#I wish I could just like live in the car for the day
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Sink or Swim (NSFW)
AN: Joe girlies I have returned!
Synopsis: After the devastating loss to the Commanders, you knew that a bad mood would be evident with your boyfriend. So his idea of forgetting what happened at least for a few hours has to do with giving you his undivided attention
Requested by @a-moment-captured 💕
DO NOT ENGAGE IF UNDERAGE
Please Do Not Repost My Content Anywhere
There was a look of disbelief on your face as you watched the scene unfold in front of you and saw that the game was almost over when the two minute warning was indicated. The first two weeks in the season obviously had your boyfriend Joe upset and for good reason. But to see the high hopes that he had going into week three just get shot down hurt to watch.
On the sidelines you could see his helmet being thrown as he eventually sat down and the expression on his face was one that you couldn't quite read.
Pulling out your phone, you sent him a quick text knowing that he would read it when he got back to the locker room.
You- Still so proud of you bubs. You played amazing tonight and don't let anyone tell you otherwise 💕
Sighing to yourself, you stood up and began to make your exit out of the stadium to start making your way back to Joe’s condo. It was discussed earlier in the day when you had talked to Joe that you would come over right after the game in anticipation of celebrating with him, but now you weren't so sure if he would even want to be in the mood to have anyone around him right now. After he lost a game, he would understandably get into a mood but you had a feeling that tonight would be a lot worse and more than likely because of who he is, he would be blaming himself.
Climbing into your jeep, you had the radio on a low volume as you pulled out of the stadium parking lot and onto the highway. Joe didn't live very far from the stadium which you were thankful for and leaving before the game was over allowed you to beat some of the traffic that you knew would quickly come after.
Arriving in less than twenty minutes, you turned your car off before grabbing your bag and making your way inside. Your shoes got slipped off at the door as you made your way into the kitchen to find something to snack on since the mozzarella sticks you had at the game were only going to last you but so long.
Glancing at the clock, you noticed it wasn't too late to order a pizza seeing as Joe probably needed some comfort food. You opened up your DoorDash app and quickly ordered it while you waited for Joe to get there. Another 45 minutes had passed with the pizza being kept warm in the oven and you sitting on the couch re-watching Scandal when you heard his key in the door. Once it was opened, it was quickly slammed shut making you jump and the sound was quickly followed by him throwing his bag on the floor at his feet and hearing him sigh.
Still in your jersey from the game that had your boyfriend's name on the back of it, you got up to greet him by the door. His expression was still unreadable when you stood in front of him and slowly tried to take his hands into yours, but he moved away at the last second.
“Bubs….”
Joe didn’t even bother to respond to you as his eyes were closed and he was leaning back against the door.
“What do you need me to do?” You softly asked as you kissed the side of his mouth, trying to get an answer out of him.
When he finally opened his eyes and glanced down at you, his eyes had softened but only slightly as he saw the love of his life in front of him.
“Get upstairs and strip.”
“Mm, gladly. Your wish is my command.”
Nodding your head towards him, he then turned you around to face the stairs as you slowly walked over towards them. Your foot was on the first step when you heard his voice once more.
“You have two minutes to do what I told you, so I suggest you get a move on before I put you there myself.”
Hearing this made a river form in between your thighs and you loved how dominant he could get when the two of you were by yourselves. That happened to be the only good thing that would come out of him losing a game. If this is what he needed to help him get through it, the last thing that you were ever going to do was complain.
Reaching the last step, you still heard him moving around downstairs before you swung the door open to his bedroom which had been left ajar before he left for the game earlier.
Your clothes were then taken off slowly one by one in the hopes of Joe walking in and seeing you. Your shoes had already been thrown off at the door downstairs, the next thing to come off was your jeans that hugged your curves that he loved so much. Next was his jersey and the shirt that you were wearing underneath it in case you got cold. You had started to take off your bra next when you suddenly felt him behind you making you jump. You hadn’t heard him come in as he wrapped his arms around you before leaning down to whisper in your ear.
“I thought I told you to strip? So, why are you still wearing clothes? You like disobeying me?” He asked you before placing a soft kiss on your shoulder.
“No, I was….”
“I don’t want to hear excuses. Do as you’re told the first time so I don’t have to punish you. Now get the rest of those clothes off.” He told you as a light smack was felt across your ass.
You nodded your head and your bra as well as your black thong were quickly removed from your body and discarded onto the floor all while Joe was standing behind you watching you intensely. Once you were finished, he leaned down to your ear once more before he reached around to put two of his fingers up to your mouth that you slowly started to suck on before reaching down and rubbing small circles along your clit making you gasp.
“Mmm, look how wet my baby is. This all for me?” You nodded your head to answer his question because you knew that words were going to fail to come out of your mouth.
“Get on the bed and you better not make a sound unless I fucking tell you to. Face down, ass up.”
Walking over to the bed once Joe moved his fingers away from your core, you slowly got on the bed with the help of him since the bed was so high and crawled to the top of it as you rested your head down on your arms with your ass sticking high up in the air on display for him.
You could hear Joe behind you doing away with his clothes and in a matter of seconds you felt him crawl onto the bed and roughly grab a hold of your hips before slowly entering you and bottoming out as he threw his head back in pleasure.
“Fuck, you feel so good.”
It took everything in you not to let out a gasp and simply put your hand over your mouth as you felt him move out of you before he slammed back in.
His movements were intense and sloppy of course with him letting out his frustrations as you were doing your best to keep quiet. The more he pounded into you, the harder it was becoming and knew that being quiet would only last but so long.
You could feel yourself getting closer to reaching your peak and you soon felt Joe reach underneath of you to massage your clit as he continued to pound into you. This sent you over the edge and you couldn’t help but to let out a small moan but immediately put your hand back over your mouth. But the damage was already done and you tug knew that you would soon be in for it.
“Oooh fuck.”
Hearing this, Joe immediately flipped you over and a hand immediately went around your neck with him squeezing it.
“Did I tell you to fucking speak? I don’t think I did.”
You remained quiet as he let go of your neck as he trailed kisses along it and down your chest with him placing one of your nipples into his mouth as he was rolling the other one between his fingers. It was taking everything in you to stay quiet as your back arched up off of the mattress. His fingers moved on from playing with your nipple to insert two of them into you as he continued to suck on the other one.
Joe noticed that you were squirming and he took it as a sign that you were close and probably frustrated because he told you not to say anything.
“You close baby? I can tell.”
To answer him, you nodded your head as he added another finger making you gasp. His fingers were pumping in and out of you when he decided to replace his fingers with his tongue knowing that it was a matter of seconds before you would come undone in front of him.
“Shiiit!” You couldn’t help but to let out as your hands were directly to his hair to pull him closer to you.
At this point, your legs were wrapped around his neck as he began to suck on your clit making them shake the harder that he did.
“Baby…. I’m….” You started to say, but without warning a gush of liquid was now covering Joe’s face as he was still sucking on your clit making you squirm.
“That’s my good girl. Give me another one, baby. I know you can.”
You immediately shook your head no, but it was clear that Joe didn’t care since he went right back to sucking on your clit. After you squirted all over his face once more, he quickly crawled back up your body as he inserted himself into you.
His movements were more sloppy than before indicating that he was close as he put your legs onto his shoulders as you began to rub your clit.
You had reached your peak for the third time when you felt Joe slide out of you. Knowing what that meant, you immediately sat up and took him in your mouth as you tasted his cum hitting the back of your throat.
“That’s my pretty girl. You better swallow it and not waste a drop.”
Joe had now put your hair in a makeshift ponytail to get it out of the way since he remembered you one time promptly yelling at him when his cum had gotten in your hair after you had gotten it done just hours before.
Once you swallowed everything that didn’t leak out the side of your mouth, you promptly opened it to show Joe who then leaned down to place several kisses on your lips. Once you had laid back, Joe quickly followed suit with him laying on you as you held him tightly to your chest. It was quiet for a few minutes as both of you were trying to even your breathing when he finally spoke.
“We should have won.”
“I know.”
“And even though it wasn’t my fucking fault, I’m going to get the blame for it.”
“I know.”
“We’re 0 and 3 now and I don’t know what to fucking do.”
“The only thing you can do is to go out there and do your best. You played absolutely amazing tonight so this isn’t on you in the slightest even though people will put it on you anyway. I am still so proud of you and I’m always going to be proud of you.” You told him as you placed a kiss on top of his head.
“Proud of a loser boyfriend who can’t win an NFL game?”
“Joseph… talk about yourself like that again. I dare you. Just because you have a few setbacks doesn’t mean that it’s going to be like this forever. I will let you rant all you want tonight, but tomorrow I’m not having it. You are literally the highest paid quarterback in the NFL and you need to fucking act like it.”
“I... guess you’re right.”
“I know I'm right. It's only been three weeks. There's still time to turn this around for the better and I promise to be here through all of it. But did I perform my duties as your girlfriend to help you let your frustrations out?” You asked and he immediately smirked.
“You did more than help me through it, but I definitely didn't say that we were done.” He told you as he picked his head up off of your chest to look at you.
“Wait, what?”
“Switch places with me so you can ride me.”
Taglist
@a-moment-captured
@hoodharlow
@nattinatalia
@wickedfun9
@dandelionwrites8
@keiva1000
#joe burrow#joe burrow fanfiction#joe burrow x black reader#joe burrow x reader#joe burrow smut#joe burrow imagine#joe burrow fluff
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WIP Wednesday
tagged by @welcometololaland, @heartstringsduet, @strandnreyes @whatsintheboxmh - thank you!
Sorry I've been MIA the last week or so - work was insane, and then there was a friend's multi-day wedding thing going on (A+ wedding, would let her plan all future weddings I go to). Also, please bear in mind I have not actually had a chance to see the episode yet, because see above about A+ wedding related shenanigans.
But ....
He’s late to Elian’s birthday. He didn’t mean to be. He never means to be late these days.
“I just need to stop by the station," he said this morning as they were getting ready. He'd caught the way TK’s lips tightened, but all he’d said was. “I’ll come with you."
“No, baby, you’ll just have to sit in the car. That’s no fun.”
TK eyebrows had gone sky high.” I’m not allowed in the station anymore?”
“That’s not what I mean.“
TK’s muttered, “are you sure?” is just soft enough that he ignores it.
And now he’s late, the one thing he wanted to check turned into five things and then a conversation with Campbell and a lead to check on. It wasn’t wasted time. But by the time he makes it back out to his car there are two messages from TK on his phone — a few months ago he thinks there would have been more, and he’s not sure when TK decided to stop trying so hard to get him to come home. There are messages from his mother and sister too. He ignores them and sends TK a text / on my way /. Doesn’t get a response, which makes sense — he’s at Elian's party, probably helping Ana, or letting the kids use him like a personal jungle gym.
The party is still going strong when he pulls up to Ana’s house, but the look she gives him when he walks in is unimpressed. His mother looks worried, and all TK says is, “You made good time, light traffic?”
“Yes. “ Smiles at Elian who has appeared at TK's elbow, “Happy birthday!”
The eyebrow Ana gives him promises a longer conversation, and he’d be grateful that Luisa couldn’t make it out from LA, but he’s sure Ana will fill her in on all the ways he’s failing to live up to their father’s standard. Their father had never missed a birthday, or play, or recital. He doesn’t understand how. Wishes he could ask.
He can tell TK's pissed when they leave from the set of his shoulders, isn’t sure if it’s better or worse that they’d come in separate cars and can’t drive home together. Manages to catch him before TK gets in his car. “Hey, I’m sorry. I lost track of time.“
“I figured.”
“I’ll make it up to Elian. He probably didn’t even notice I was late there were so many people here.”
“He’s 8,” TK says flatly. “He absolutely noticed that his favorite uncle didn’t make it in time for cake and presents.”
Carlos winces, but tries for the joke anyway. “Pretty sure you claimed favorite tio a while ago.” Regrets it the second he says it.
tagging @freneticfloetry, @carlos-in-glasses, @reyesstrand, and @lemonlyman-dotcom
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Vaping so much that I’m hot boxing the van in honor of not fucking wanting to go inside
#there are days where I want to be alone and in my room is simply not enough#today is a day where if I could live in a soundproof sensory deprivation tank thing I would#like I want to just simple float in exact body temp water and not hear anything and have it be silent#I need it#anyways. pmsing Father’s Day dad nine month death anniversary same day#tomorrow will be hell. today is hell junior and the last thing I want to do rn is go inside and see my mom or my brother I don’t want to#talk I don’t want to listen I don’t want to have fucking sir funkadelic the third (yeah. full name.) yelling at me for attention when I want#to just be buried alive for like 72 hours and then come back and be fine again like I don’t want to interact with anyone but the people on#my phone I don’t want to do anything I am just like emotionally and physically exhausted and I can’t fucking take this shit today#I wish I could just like live in the car for the day#I’ve been sitting in the for twenty minutes since I got home but I just don’t want to go inside#I’m miserable but vibing and def have to go inside at some point bc I’m now too high to drive around
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I have a big google doc thing where I keep track of media and stuff (putting everything in loosely ranked categories), which is mostly just for my own reference so I know what tv shows I've already seen before, etc. and I never really look back through it, typically just a quick "okay, watched two movie in the past 8 months, need to quickly slap them somewhere in the lists. okay. done. save document. exit". But today I was actually reading through some of the old notes and there are like... MULTIPLE places where my comment is basically "It would have been good if it were about elves" or "I wish there was a fantasy show made in this same style" or "It's well made, but I just keep thinking about how I would like it more if everyone was an elf or was in old 1700s costumes" or etc like...... lol.... Most biased media ranking system on earth blatantly made by someone with an extremely hyperspecific range of narrow interests. It'd be like if a food reviewer only had 5 foods they actually liked, so they'd just go to a pizza place and be like "eh, the pizza was okay, but I just think it would be better if it was cereal instead. :/ ...2 out of 10"
#Which.. I mean... I am allowed to be biased because literally it's just for my own personal reference (or occasionall#y to send to friends or something if we're discussing the topic) so like.. nowhere am I saying 'I am the god of perfect taste and these#rankings are objectively the absolute truth and everyone should have my same opinion' or anything#BUT still.. it's funny to me sometimes#'Succession would be 100x better if it had the same cast/character quirks and shaky camera style and#acting choices/weird dialogue and general concept etc. EXCEPT it takes place within an elven noble family or something#managing the family business and everyone is in fantasy costumes now'' like.....okay...... but it's NOT that way..soo... thats not the show#''I like the acting style/general tone of Fleabag but i don't care for any of the characters or any of the subject matter and I wish it was#set in the 1800s and had vampires and was about magic instead'' okay..... again... you are making up an entirely new show in that case lol#OR my other beloved typical complaint ''The concept is good but theres too much plot and action and not enough people just sitting#around doing nothing and exposition dumping world and character lore'' ''this needs more goofy sideplots and filler episodes''#''this Drama was too dramatic I think it should be more lighthearted & people need to sit around doing nothing just being weird more often'#''the Action Movie was ok except for the action scenes - which I skipped through all of- but I liked the costumes and worldbuilding'' etc.#ERM sorry your plot has too much plot. also elves have to be included somehow. bye#BUT SERIOUSLY!!!!!! I literally genuinely believe that any show I like (or even dislike) could ALWAYS be improved greatly by#putting people in fantasy or historical costume/setting/etc... why the FUNK would I want to see bland jeans and cars and cell phones#when I could see elaborate velvet cloaks and fantastical landscapes and interior design and innovative takes on historical or#magical technology or etc. etc. etc. I LIVE in the modern day. I see it all the time!!! BORING! stinky!! boo!!!#ANYWAY... another social divide for me.. People love to bond by discussing media. which is hard when I'm like#'I literally will not watch something at all unless it fits into one of these 10 extremely specific categories which are all i care about i#the entire world''.. I say this and yet I still dislike most fantasy or historical things I've watched lol. ok TWO main criteria then!!#it must 1. be in a different world or time period. 2. be goofy silly. Nothing ever has BOTH. It's always overly serious boring drama action#fantasy/history stuff OR it's comedic lighthearted but with modern day characters... WHY.. anguish and woe and so on..#ANYWAY jhjnk... at least I can make that divide. Some people seem to project their own personal preferences and get really emotionally#defensive if you say you didn't like something - as if the fact that they DO like it is some Objective Truth or something rather than just#opinion/preference based. I can still easily say ''this is well made/well written/acted/good in a technical sense/has a lot of#points of appeal that most people would be drawn to/etc'' and admit that it's a GOOD show probably. I just PERSONALLY think its#bad because my tastes are very narrow. Some things ARE actually made badly but. things are not bad INHERENTLY just bc they dont suit ME lol#Better to recognize/accept whats odd about you and be peacefully aware of it than just being mad at everyone all the time for not fully#agreeing with you even when you're the one with the Weird opinion in that case lol.. I am right though :3 but.. lol... still. i get it
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Bought one of my lil nephew giannis shoes for his birthday bcs he loves giannis and these are some of the ugliest fucking things I have ever laid my eyes on in my life. anyways it's his bday today so i gave them to him. but they are so ugly. he loves them
#i am not a sneakerhead#i wish i could be . finacially i can be. but mentally i cannot#i am not a car guy either. i could. but i cant mentally#bcs the only time id get smthing pretty is to look at it. and keep it safe#and then id want to km$ for not using smthing thats intended to be used bcs i hate wasted potential#once i got these rlly nice shoes#ive worn them once when i was trying them on#and i hate myself every day for doing that but also i just cant get them dirty#BUT I HATE THAT#some ppl can do that. they get a million things and only use it once and yea i COULD but psychologically i just CANT#im friends with a lot of sneakerheads and chain wearers and while i cant mentally make myself one#i can understand why they can#like ppl always wanna excuse not helping ppl by pointing at the stuff they already have#like oh u can buy urself a chain but cant buy ur momma and u a nicer place to live#like ok so credit scores are not existent then. especially when ppl use that phrase against ppl growing into crime like#yes they are making money now but is it good clean money? no. thats not gonna go into smthing long term n hefty like a house#chains are a rlly big thing bcs sometimes some jewelers just dont ask questions. hence bmf's jeweler getting roped into their crime schemes#any business can be like that btw. like michael jacksons doctor getting paid to kill him. the difficulty lvl just changes#and also. random ppl make fun of the stuff they can see or hear right in front of them#random ppl can and will make u feel bad abt any little thing they know or see the best bcs theyre assholes like that#u wear shoes all the time everywhere. thats more and more eyes noticing how old/dirty ur shoes are#or ur cars old n busted or ur phones a fucking android like it doesnt matter. the more ppl can see. the more theyll know#the more sensitive u get abt whats actually small to u at the start but big 2 them n then it gets big 2 u#anyways yea so like. i get it. i dont do it but i can see why others do#anyways yea these shoes are so ugly lol like i dont buy merch of my favs unless the style matches mine personally#he just liked them bcs they were giannis tbh n then i pointed out they were modeled after 1 of the jerseys#which made he rlly want them a while back so i surprised him today#but yea these things are ugly lol im glad he likes them but ew LMFAO
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Car Seat Headrest, “Weightlifters” // the Mountain Goats, “Isaiah 45:23”
#I am the most stagnant person to ever live#if I were a body of water#mosquitos would flock to me like salmon to waterfalls and inland lakes and rivers#because I haven’t changed in nearly a decade#nothing changes with me#I am the bog water in the basement after the flood#untouched for years#yearning to be disturbed#unable to set myself to moving#god i’m so pretentious I wish I could just sleep for like#1322 days#wake up and have something be different#different or over#because being over would mean being different#and I’m delusional too if I think anything will ever change#I’m doing the same shit I did eight years ago#I’m feeling the same shit I felt fourteen years ago#and no matter what I tell myself#or others tell me#it never changes#because I’m so fucking deluded that I think#if everything stays the same#if I don’t do anything#things will change around me#things will become better around me#that if I keep my mouth shut#god will answer all my prayers#I’m so fucking DELUSIONAL god please just smite me with the knowledge of how everything will end. please. please. please. please. please.#Car Seat Headrest#the Mountain Goats
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🙃
#just want to apologize to anyone who has tried to reach out lately#just like I texted my friend I’ll tell you guys the same#haven’t been talking to a lot of people lately tbh#pretty sure I’ve mentioned php a few times by now#monday was my last day#and I was feeling on top of the world on Monday#I don’t remember the last time I was so genuinely happy#figured it was the med change or something#so I was feeling pretty optimistic#I’m in between programs now#and today was not the best#not as bad as some of my days#but definitely not even near the day I had on Monday#I just wish I could feel that every single day#I’m working on it but still#waiting to start ‘adult day treatment’ and case management#and I think case management will help me find a place??? I’m not sure exactly but that’s kinda what I was getting#which honestly? I know I’ve bitched about how badly I need to move#but while I was in php I realized I don’t think I’ll truly be able to heal while I’m living here… and that’s a scary thought#idk there’s a lot more deeper things that I don’t wanna talk about#but the fact I don’t have space and I don’t feel safe and comfortable here is hard….#my ‘safe’ space was my car but now that I’m trying to quit smoking my car isn’t the best place for me#I’ve been kinda getting used to my room and I’m finally trying to move a few things around#(now that I have a little energy again)#it’s just……. my arachnophobia is KILLING me here#in the past week I don’t even know how many spiders I’ve seen and killed#they haven’t been crazy and I recognize I don’t live in Australia or places where the spiders are as big as fucking cars#I came home and I was in a good mood until I saw a spider in my room 🙃🙃🙃 tried to vacuum it but not sure if I got it……..#so guess im sleeping on the couch….. again…. but can’t help think if out here is any better…#shut up rosie
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gunna be real my mother in law crossed some lines today that i dont even know how to come back from. how do i make 10k in the next 6 months to pack up and leave actually though.
#i wish we could just. go straight to portugal. or wherever my husband wants us to go i guess.#im so sick of living with her. she really convinced me shed changed but that wasnt fucking true!#and now were in a situation where shes taking 450 of the 470 we make every week and saying WE are financially abusing HER#and that SHE is cutting US off at the end of our lease and leaving#and its like. so#its so#i cant even put into words how stupid that is#she is the most insufferably cruel and pointless person ive ever known and shes gunna take nearly every penny we make and then say that??#she said it on the way home from ME BUYING ALL OF OUR GROCERIES. she staid in the CAR she didnt even have to WALK AROUND#my husband gave her his ENTIRE paycheck yesterday. YESTERDAY#oh im so fucking#like what do we do when she leaves if we have 20 dollars between 2 grown adults a week. what are we supposed to do with that#theres no way we can make a down payment on anywhere or move our stuff or like. idk. fucking eat#mind you she is making 90k a year. like. i just want to tack that little bit of context on.#stupid shithead nightmare woman im so over this. im so OVER being so broke and so tired and dealing with how mean she is every single day#I WANT OUT BUT THERES NOWHERE TO GOOOOOOO
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Shout-out to everyone who survived a "fun" easter with the family
#fucking hell#it started with finding out my dad smoked in my car when I picked up my sister#who was equally dreading the day#my mum turns into the world's tensest and judgemental presence. worsened by my aunt#then hell for autistic people (of which there are multiple present)#multiple deaf people means one uninspired conversation that isn't interesting in any way.#combinations of passive aggressiveness and people not saying a thing because they can't participate. voice volumes too damn high#weirdass food situations. Very full table. so many smells.#this goes on for over an hour. wishing for literally anything but being there. soul crushing.#then you still have to sit in that room for 2.5 hours. it just goes on and on.#my autistic deaf dad physically looks like how I feel. my mum and aunt keep piling on top of him to demand his mental presence#i leave the room once (to get my phone to show pictures to my uncle) and am immediately followed upstairs by my mum#who demands I don't leave the room (What's next. following me when I need the toilet?)#me and my sister are so bored we start throwing paper planes and fake fighting.#Which amuses the bored and the deaf#but of course my mum and aunt have opinions and this is not allowed. only soul crushing boredom allowed#they complain to each other over it while aggressively doing dishes#finally it ends because my mum and aunt start insisting my dad should go to bed if he's 'that tired'. *sprinkle on some additional ableism*#still sitting through a conversation about allergies one of my sister's friends has. my mum preaching that people should take that seriously#(meanwhile i had to cook for myself for 9 years because when my allergies were really bad no one bothered to check if i could eat something)#me and my sister go sit upstairs to discover our mum has made things we care about vanish in her room#and made things appear that should not be there#I've washed the interior of my car and hope the smell will go#you think it's over after that. but woke up with the realisation that even more things have disappeared from my sister's room.#i can't remember a time when things left outside of my room didn't disappear#I don't know why we do these family gatherings at all. no one has fun on days like that.#the housing crisis isn't making these things easy. my sister is losing her place to live again as well#she'll go hiking for a month and then work on a campsite over the summer#maybe I'll go house sitting again. idk.#can't make commitments a few months in advance like that because I'll cancel everything the second Sparks announces anything important
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being at work makes me so miserable
#its not even that bad#but my anxiety is at an all time high here#im just uncomfortable#retail isnt for me i don't like talking to strangers im tired of most of my coworkers I'm just kind of waiting for this place to shut down#i don't want a job at all honestly#i wish i could just perform live music and do art commissions and sell clothes for money#but alas this economy and my depression won't allow that#nothing seems worth doing#i have no motivation and give up on something as soon as i start#i watch too much tv and get depressed i listen to too much music and get overstimulated and i never feel at peace or fulfilled anymore#and capitalism is one of the main roots of that. i just know it#we could all be so much happier. there is so much more to life than this#i want to travel#i want to spontaneously quit my job and take a cross country road trip but my car is not in road trip condition#i need to put new rear tires on before i should be driving it anymore at all#i want to be w my boyfriend cuddling & laughing & i wanna see cool things & see my favorite band in all the cities I haven't been to yet#i dont want... this#whatever this society is#working the day away not being able to be my own person 5 days a week and being too exhausted & depressed to leave home the rest of the day#i want to be able to live#i want my brain to let me function and my body to be at full health#i want to run through the woods on a cloudy crisp fall day#ive become so sensitive to temperature and numb to everything that i don't even get the same joy from being outside that i used to#also global warming lmao#ok vent over
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why the fuck do i miss pigeons
#don't ask me i am going thru it today#ebhehbbehbhebhabh#i miss pigeons dude#oooh the poor little domesticed cuties#kate rambles from here#this is a small detail of the feeling i am feeling#like post leaving nyc is wrecking havoc on my psyche#i don't want to be in the fucking great plains#a few irls don't understand my want for city life- and i didn't know it was this bad until staying there for 4 days-#but my mom's whole family is from the city- i just feel so at home there- and everything i've inherited that way is in my blood#and i just wanna bawl my eyes out#i have been quite a bit but like ik i have a goal now- to move into the city- i've always had that goal to at least move to the city near m#but like nyc was like being somewhere i felt i wanted- it's not that i'm looking to make it big- i miss the noise the water and pigeons#around here you'll hear the occasional car go by- and crickets- i miss the city lights- i keep crying about it for so many reasons but#i just don't know how to actually express it?#because it's such an odd feeling for me to feel? because if yknow me well- i love being at home- i hate sleeping somewhere else-#taking a trip down south this last christmas- i couldn't stand the quiet- it's quieter the more south you go and i can't do this#i've always wanted to leave my small town but ?? like actually being somewhere that has felt home has been unattainable bc every#where in oh hasn't been home... and for once i felt like i could do this- and having to return here- just made me break down and cry#maybe it's the person i live with- that makes me wish to leave- but that's not the full truth- idk maybe a good nap will help#kate rambles#i have a life goal now but i wish i could do it now- i hope sooner rather than later i'll at least live in the city#i've been happily living but now i have a direction i wish to run towards- and i'm gonna chase after it#sure i miss seeing tbz i loved seeing them- but it's not even post concert depression- if that makes sense?#which it doesn't make sense- because for mx it was only pcd- but for nyc it's missing the city... and it feels awful#pls ignore this i just needed to be frustrated somewhere#ig knowing what i'm missing- i can finally work on filling that spot huh? i guess that's what i'll be doing#(also vv small point but the fact that one of the people i live with- refuses to ever visit nyc again- is so comforting to me)#pls don't send me an ask about this i just needed to ramble and i haven't caught up on my daily journal yet to do so- so this is here
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I wish I could inject pasilyo into my brain so I can have permanent happiness
#There’s this specific part of the song#It srsly alters my brain chemistry#Anyways#i hate tumblr sm#Idk like I Gen hate being on here sm#No matter what account I make no matter if I tell ppl about it whether I don’t tell ppl I just hate this place soooo much#Like if I have a following it sucks because it’s rlly lonely if I don’t it’s still lonely and then if there’s nobody at all it’s lonely#Loneliness is what got me to discord boy so like :D#The fact I am genuinely missing him sm I’m gonna krill myself 😻🙏#Also I think I hate talking to minors cause these kids be letting themselves get groomed all the time I’m so tired of seeing it#The creep in my course is being so weird to Raisa who is a minor … I can’t help but think it’s all my fault … I invited her to the pharm gc#To show her how messy it was ….#I didn’t expect her to follow and accept requests of everyone …#Anyways I just am so annoyed. Like I wish I could have one person just one where I can be confident in being their no.1 but every time I th#Think I’m maybe somewhere high up on someone’s list of important ppl I realise I overestimated my position even tho I’m rlly self conscious#And being myself down over that. Also I still hate Eid. I hate Eid sm. How do ppl genuinely enjoy Eid. Idk if I’ve ever been excited for Ei#It’s like I’m just suddenly getting more sick of ppl by the day. I Gen don’t like talking to ppl at all even tho I used to rely on talking#To others like its sustenance now it’s just such a hassle to me because I’m so sick of being unimportant to literally every single person I#Have ever known. Literally everyone except maybe dahlia idk. the only person who has never gotten mad/snapped at me o is dahlia#And knowing my luck that will soon be taken from me too. Anyways good riddance to tumblr i loathe this site and im sick of the mind games#All the time from just existing on here. Gen makes me feel ill. I’m so sick of that girl I like and sick of everyone. The only time ppl car#Is when I cause a scene. And ykw atp I loathe being showed sympathy and pity for these sorts of posts because it just feels like a big joke#Cause why couldn’t you just care when I was fine. Why do you ONLY care when I’ve had enough of your bad behaviour. How does one make someon#Like me go mad with all these things#Istg if I come back to this dumb site whether to this acc to the tora one or my other account everyone has permission to beat me up.#dora daily#Tldr;I HATE ppl and everyone ever + I’m just sick of pretending like everyone doesn’t suck cause how can ppl be so insufferable intolerable#Insane horrible in every way and ppl like them. How do they live with themselves when they’re this aggravating. Every day I hate ppl more#Because their mannerisms their everything is just so embarrassing.#Essay tags 😻😻😻
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Also I can’t figure out if my life genuinely does suck or I’m just having an existential crisis because my period starts in approximately 48 hours
#it does make me worse ngl. i wish i could just yeet my uterus#i was just starting to think about how all my days are the same and it’s boring and i’m boring#and i never see anybody or meet new people or make new friends#working from home is all well and good until it makes you want to [redacted]#and you all can say ‘just leave your house!’ as much as you want but living in a small town and having no car is not really conducive#to getting myself out there#i mean my town literally has about a dozen businesses and half of them are sad pubs. the others are like hair salon; co-op; church; butcher#2 takeaways. and yeah there’s parks but all of them are kind of dire#maybe i could start getting the bus places. going somewhere else. idk#i have been thinking about taking a trip but wherever i go i still take myself and it’s like i’m in this state of permanent malaise#too nervous to talk to anyone and too impatient to linger anywhere or enjoy anything#everything i do i rush through so i can do something else#and i think amongst it all i’m just reckoning with the fact that i’m never going to be remarkable. i mean neither is anyone else really#but i always thought i’d write a novel or become a college professor or something but i’m not smart enough and i don’t have enough words#or ideas in me. not really. i’m not a creative i’m just an imitator. always have been#and i could live with being unremarkable because we all are in the cosmic universe but i still don’t think i can live with rotting#in my hometown. but then it’s like how do i get out?#i signed up for an online course just to vary things a bit. just to get some enrichment in my enclosure#it’s this slow realisation that i thought i Wanted to work at home. i thought i liked the peace of it. just me and the computer screen#but no i like to work outside and then come back to my home as my sanctuary. i have to leave it sometimes to really appreciate it#but no one wants to hire me for an intellectual job because i’m not actually that smart. and my body is too broken to work in hospitality#anymore. or is it. i mean for god’s sake i can run three times a week but i don’t trust myself to be able to stand for hours#i’m thinking about throwing myself on the mercy of my old boss like hey. i fucked up. do you have any shifts for me? i’ll do weekends#i just don’t want to lose my fucking mind#maybe i’ll text her tomorrow. the worst thing she can say is no#personal
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i think i am possibly the most relaxed and content that i have been in almost a year and its so nice
not having to feel like anyone is around to be angry at me or judge me and just being able to let my guard down even if only for a couple days is so so so nice. my sister will be home from work in three hours but until then i am alone and free and i could almost cry from how okay i feel for the first time in almost a year :')
#sitting on couch upstairs for the first time since parents last were away#and the dishwasher is running so I'll have clean dishes again#and its a rly comforting noise tbh#and the cars going by on the street in the rain makes a nice noise too#and the clock ticking !!! all very good comforting noises that remind me of napping on the couch while parents were away as a kid#and just feeling like i am safe for once#and i can put on whatever i want without feeling like im about to be yelled at or judged or called names fjfkdl#i can put jerma on the big tv !!! i can watch things on a tv in general !!! its so nice#trying hard not to think abt how i wish it could always be like this bc then i WILL cry for sure fhfkfl#but damn. i understand how ppl are able to live now fjfkdl they just feel this free all the time !!! its so wonderful#im so glad i get to have this even if only for a couple days fhfkdl#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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tw child death tw harm to pregnant people
#so after 5 years of searching i found someone who was working on the car crash i was witness and did first aid at when i was pregnant#a lady who was also pregnant and about as far along as me probably further was crushed by falling debris#she was a pedestrian and a driver fainted in his car accelerated and crashed through several pedestrian spaces and then metal beams fell#i knew she lived as far as ICU but i don't know what came after that#and i kept searching for someone who could tell me whether her child pulled through#well i found someone yesterday and it's not the happy ending i kept wishing for#the baby was emergency delivered right at the ER trauma room back then like 5 minutes from the ambulance arriving and loading her#but had to be declared dead right there#and i always kind of knew this was the outcome because i remember asking at the hospital even tho obviously they weren't allowed to tell me#but when they said the good things they were allowed to they all got a thousand yard stare#so since that day i knew that her baby died and mine lived#but having confirmation from someone who was there is still. sigh.#it's good to have no hypotheticals anymore tho i think it will help me get closure#i wish her child could have lived too#she'd done nothing wrong but be at the 'wrong' spot in a pedestrian space at that time. there's no reason and no meaning.#there's no meaning to human suffering. suffering is just suffering. it's always a bad thing period.#ah man sorry to throw trauma at y'all#it's unlikely anyone here remembers. i did blog about it back then. and it was what made me change career to EMT#i guess it's good to know in a way that even if i *had* been an EMT back then there was nothing in human hands to save her baby#nobody could do it#there is patients you cannot save no matter what and it's not a failure on your part#we are all humans with the good and the bad and the strengths and the limitations#so that's my musings#it's good to finally know for sure after all this time searching but it's also hard#ah what a downer story in the morning#the man who was next to her was fine#it's so unfair and meaningless#gotta work harder on easing this unfair and meaningless suffering#child death cw#harm to pregnant people cw
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had hip surgery to get my hip to stop hurting
hip stops hurting
sits in a chair i've sat in every day for a year
hip starts hurting again
#i just want to walk why is this so goddamn difficult#cuz of course my left ankle is fucked and likely won't be fixed for god knows how long#and my right foot i can feel the muscle tearing#my back is cramping for some reason#and my shoulder and wrist are in a tizzy over wearing a backpack and walking to campus with my crutches#naturally the hip had to try something too just for funzies#im actually so fucking tired#and i cant even use a wheelchair because 1- wont fit in my car 2- i live on the second floor of an apartment with no elevators only stairs#and 3- campus is so fucking inaccessible that i'd be in even more pain#but god knows i wish i could use one#resident nut thoughts#inshallah i will get a wheelchair one of these days
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