#I’m a valid amount of worried rn | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mogai-headcanons · 5 years ago

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faq - please read!

requests are: closed!

here’s the current inbox!

q: is this blog fake? are you a troll? is this satire? do you actually believe mogai is valid/real? a: no, no, no, and yes!

q: what do you use to make your edits? a: gimp on desktop!

q: how often does the queue post? a: 1 time daily! i usually try to have it set higher (3-4 times daily), but i’m juggling college, a job, and health problems rn, so i’m filling requests a bit slower.

q: when will requests reopen? a: i can never really 100% guarantee a date for this question, sorry! i get a different amount of requests that take various amounts of effort every time i open requests, and of course my own schedule and energy have to be taken into account, so i can’t guess super accurately when requests will reopen unless i’m very close to emptying the inbox.

q: are you alright with requests from [insert source]? a: if it’s not on this list, the answer is more than likely yes! please check that link (and maybe search for the source on my blog, since i may have done requests for it in the past) before asking this question. a2: if you’re concerned because of a specific reason (content within the source, something the creator did, etc) it would be helpful if you included that in your ask! i only deny sources if i’m uncomfortable interacting with them for some reason.

q: are you alright with requests involving [insert identity]? a: same as above - if it’s not on this list, the answer is more than likely yes! you can also search the term on my blog to see if i’ve posted requests with it before.

q: how many characters can i send in one request? how many terms? a: as many as you want! i’ve currently managed to fit 95 characters into one post and 245 flags into one icon, and though i do like a challenge, i’d prefer that no individual icon in a request have more than 200ish flags! that’s a somewhat flexible number, but it’ll depend on my energy level. a2: for characters, i can only fit 30 images into one image set (including my banner), so requests with more than 14 characters will have the icons combined (here’s an example).

q: how do you fit so many flags into your icons? a: here’s a basic flag splicing tutorial - it just takes a bit of math to get all the flags even!! a2: you can watch my edit-making process here! it’s only a recording of the main gimp screen, not any of the menus i’m using, but it may still be helpful to watch for anyone curious.

q: i forgot something for my request/can i add [insert extra details] to or change [insert detail] of a request i sent in? a: send me another ask and i’ll happily add it, no matter if i’ve already finished your request or not! and don’t worry, this doesn’t inconvenience me and it doesn’t make me upset, i’m happy knowing that you’ll be happy with your request!

q: why is [insert source] on the do not request list? a: more than likely, something about the source (or its fans or creator) has made me too uncomfortable to interact with it.

q: did you receive [insert request]? a: try to wait at least a week or so before asking this! i’m cool with answering it, but i don’t always queue requests super quickly, so you may just not have seen it because i'm busier than usual. a2: if i say that i didn’t get your request, you can send it in again no matter if requests are open or not! i don’t want to make someone wait till the next time the inbox is open just because tumblr glitched and didn’t send their ask.

q: when will my request be posted? a: at some point! the queue isn’t set at a super high number so that if i hit a period where i’m very busy, i don’t have to feel anxious about the queue running out. that means that it could take a while to see your requests, but i promise, you will see them!

q: what does [insert term] mean? a: i’m happy to answer asks like this, and i’ll likely either copy over the definition or link you to a post with the definition in it!

q: are crossover/system member/oc requests allowed? a: yes! and if you’re sending a request involving ocs, you can send images of them through submissions/messages or link me to anywhere you’ve posted them.

q: [insert headcanon] that you posted goes against a canon identity! a: thank you for letting me know, really! i don’t want to post things that erase already existing representation. i may ask for sources just to verify if i can’t find some on my own.

q: [insert headcanon] goes against [insert thing in your rules]! a: again, thank you for letting me know! i don’t always know the sources i get requests for, so i don’t know things like characters’ ages and tend to assume that people won’t send in things that go against the rules, so i don’t always check.

q: can you tag [insert thing]? a: yes! i’ll try my hardest to remember!

q: can i use one of your edits for [insert thing]? a: heck yeah!! i’d prefer if you credited me somewhere if you do though.

q: can you use [insert version of a flag] for [insert identity] in my request? a: yep, just make sure to either include it in the ask or send another ask afterwards specify which flag you’d like!

q: can i submit art for you to use for [source without canon art]? a: yes! i’m happy to use your own art or art from an artist who is alright with their work being used with credit. a2: this also applies to the adventure zone (since i only don’t do requests for it due to problematic canon art), aus (such as homestuck bloodswaps, etc), and similar situations!

q: [insert nice thing] a: i love you dearly and your ask will sit in my inbox forever along with all the other incredibly sweet asks i’ve received over the course of this blog. i apologize for not answering kind asks, i just really like being able to scroll to the bottom of the inbox and see all the love there!

q: [insert argument against one of my opinions] a: i’ll more than likely block you, since a) this is not a discourse blog and b) i’ve heard your argument before and have said my piece and/or done my research on both sides, but if i’m in the right mood or you’re egregiously uneducated on the topic, i’ll answer it.

q: [insert rude/mocking thing about me, my blog, and/or mogai] a: asks like this accomplish nothing and don’t bother me. again, you’re either getting blocked or i’ll just make fun of you/be rude to you back.

#dexter.txt #faq

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arhvste · 5 years ago

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TSUKISHIMA KEI - INSUFFERABLE AND IMPOSSIBLE

requested by jaceyandme on wattpad

summary - after spending more time with a classmate, tsukishima finds himself caring more than what he’d like leading to you both reaching your limits - angst

warnings - cursing

an - i might do a part 2 i really wanna. this is also kinda rushed i’m kinda under time pressure rn so i might improve later or go into more depth in a later part

Your usual routine in the morning would be to get ready, meet your boyfriend outside your house, walk to school together (Wednesdays and Fridays Yamaguchi would join the two of you), change your shoes at your lockers and finally say your short goodbyes as you both departed to your separate classes. That was how things usually ran.

Not for the past two weeks however.

Tsukishima was a man of routine. He liked things to be in order and found satisfaction in things fitting in place, the fact that the usual routine the pair of you shared had been broken recently did not sit well with him and he knew exactly who was the ultimate cause of it.

Hara Itsuki.

His teeth would grit whenever he heard that name, a discreet but stewing anger would boil inside him and it didn’t help that sometimes you were oblivious to the middle blockers change in demeanor.

In your defense though you sometimes found Tsukishima hard to read. He was a sarcastic piece of shit with a tongue too sharp for his own good. It wasn’t rare for your boyfriend to take a hit at people out of nowhere. Tsukishima wasn’t the type to openly express genuine emotions either so it would’ve been hard to pick out his particular distaste towards Hara.

Hara Itsuki was a boy in your class who had recently come to ask for your assistance in literature. You, being the kind and helpful girl you were raised to be, agreed to help him after school while your boyfriend would be at practise.

You hadn’t intended to spend time with your classmate outside of the one hour after school you tutored him in, but the more you spoke with the boy, the more you found you had in common and found him easy to confide in.

At first Tsukishima didn’t care about your new friendship with your classmate, he wasn’t insecure or bothered by it and it’s not like he had any valid point to argue against it at first, but those one hour tutor sessions became 2 hour meet ups after school and a few lunchtimes a week you would be missing from your regular spot at your usual table as you would be eating elsewhere with your new friend.

This began to raise concern with Tsukishima but his pride wouldn’t allow him to confront you just yet at least.

It wasn’t until 4 weeks into your sudden new bond with Hara, Tsukishima felt himself edge towards the end of his relatively thin patience. The two of you rarely spoke due to Tsukishima’s everlasting bad mood and when you did speak, all you’d talk about is how great this Hara Itsuki was and quite frankly, the middle blocker would rather rip his own ears off than listen to what you’d have to say about this boy.

Yamaguchi would sometimes bring up your absence of late but it would always end in Tsukishima telling him to “Shut up.” and the boy would comply.

It wasn’t just Yamaguchi who noticed the effect your absence had on your boyfriend. The rest of the volleyball team noticed the tall middle blocker had become more hostile and cold towards everyone. Rarely talking to anyone and snapping at them when he did. Kageyama and Hinata made mental notes to keep out of his way for the time being and hold back on the provocative comments and snide remarks.

“Tsukishima, are you -uh, well you know -”

“Spit it out already.” The middle blocker spat.

“Are you missing Y/N?”

Everyone in the gym went silent. Tanaka took a step back from Tsukishima once he saw the look in his eye from his question.

“What sort of question is that? I couldn’t care less about the girl and who she's hoeing about with.”

The team stood wide eyed not sure on how to respond to such hostility.

Sugawara took it upon himself to attempt to diffuse the heavy tension in the air.

“Hey, If Tsukishima-san says he’s fine then we should just take his word for it and let it be.”

“But he’s obviously not fine. His blocking has been off and he’s not as observant on the court like he usually is. Quite frankly it’s annoying he can’t get it together, if we were playing in real matches right now we’d be thrashed within the first set because he can’t get a grip.”

All eyes turned to Kageyama. In truth, Kageyama had only said what was on his and potentially most of the team’s mind. The genius setter held a glare towards his teammate as he awaited a reply for his blunt comment.

“Sorry not all of us are fucking geniuses with no emotion. I don’t want to hear anything from you when your middle school teammates didn’t even want to play with you because of how selfish and obsessed you were. If Y/N wants to be a whore that’s fine I’ll deal with it myself, but I don't need any of you nosy imbeciles invading into my personal life!”

Tsukishima’s patience had finally snapped and nobody dared speak a word.

“I think we should call it a night. This isn’t a good atmosphere to be training in and I think we all need to clear our heads.” Daichi spoke up as both Asahi and Sugawara nodded.

The gym was cleared in silence and the team began to slowly disperse out the gym.

“Hang on a minute Tsukishima. I think we should have a quick chat.”

Tsukishima mentally cursed but approached Daichi anyway. Who was he to deny his captain and upperclassman’s request.

The two were the only ones left in the gym and Daichi patted the bench next to the court as they sat down.

“Listen, I know you’re going through a rough patch with your girlfriend right now and I’m by no means trying to invade or involve myself into your personal life but, from what we witnessed tonight it’s clear to me that it seems to be affecting the teams dynamic and that is my concern.”

Tsukishima couldn’t quite find the right words to respond to Daichi. It’s not like he could pull out a snarky remark about how he didn’t care about his girlfriends actions because deep down he knew he did in fact care and apparently more so than what he led himself on to believe.

“I’m not telling you what to do. Only you can decide how to handle the situation but I advise talking to L/N about how you’re really feeling. I know you’re not the most expressive person, but I also know that you do have a genuine concern for others whether you show it blatantly or not. Talk to her so you can both figure this out. I’m not just saying this for the best interest I have for our team but rather my best interest in you. Regardless if you want it, myself and all the others are concerned for you and want you to feel like you can rely on us.”

“Yeah. I’ll have a chat with her tonight.” The middle blocker stared at the ground as he began to rise from the seat. “I’ll have a think about everything.”

Daichi gave the first year a soft smile and patted his back.

“Good. Nobody’s mad at you, we’re just worried. Even Kageyama.”

To this Tsukishima snorted. “Whatever you say.”

“The kid’s blunt but he does care about you in his own way.”

After Daichi finished locking the gym up, both players said their respective goodbyes and went their separate ways.

Tsukishima made his way home but was stopped by the sight of you and Hara talking and laughing outside the school gates. Just from having that pep talk from Daichi was enough to encourage him to finally confront you. Not because he cared but for the greater good of the team, well that’s what he told himself anyway.

“Oh hi Kei...”

You nervously smiled at your boyfriend's irked expression.

“Oh so you do remember my name?” he sharply hissed at you.

Tsukishima had initially intended to have a civil conversation between the two of you, but seeing that bastard Hara standing there with a smug expression fuelled his hostility towards the whole situation.

“W-what? Of course I remember your name! You’re my boyfriend!” You replied as you fidgeted under his intense stare.

“Oh am I? Because from the way I see it, this loser over here seems to be your boyfriend rather than me.”

“What are you talking about?!”

“Don’t play clueless with me Y/N! If you wanted a side hoe you could’ve just said so and we wouldn’t have wasted time!”

“Side hoe?”

“Yes side hoe! And if you’re degrading me to second best to that thing -” Tsukishima pointed to where the now uncomfortable Hara stood . “- then I don’t want any association with you!”

“You’re insufferable!”

“And you’re impossible!”

Tears began to pool in your eyes as your anger began to flare.

“You know why I spend so much time with Hara-san? I’ll tell you why. He isn’t rude, obnoxious or judgemental. He is always considerate and never brings people down with snide comments and unnecessary insults. I love you Tsukishima, I really do, but right now you’re showing a perfect example of what I’m talking about.”

“If you really loved me we wouldn’t be having this argument. If you really loved me my team wouldn’t have to point out my lack of focus recently. If you really loved me you would’ve just told me the things about me that bother you so much. But none of that has played out has it? So tell me Y/N, do you really love me or am I just a test subject for you to use and compare to other people before you decide to settle down?”

You were in shock. You knew you were spending an increased amount of time with Hara but you didn’t know how big the effect was on Tsukishima.

“Uh, I’m gonna go.” Hara said suddenly as he began to turn to walk away.

“No you’re not. While Y/N is busy thinking about whether she really loves me or if that was just shit pouring out of her mouth, you’re going to tell me what exactly was running through your head approaching a girl who obviously is in a relationship.”

“For literature, I needed help.”

“And you got it. So why are you still hanging around her like some lost puppy?”

You finally had enough. Snapping your gaze up to Tsukishima you gave him a deadly glare.

“Will you shut up? Questioning my love for you like I’m some sort of slut who tests the water with every boy. I have never ever once complained about any girls approaching you to confess their love for you. I’ve never once stepped out of line. I’ve always supported you Kei.”

“Dont ‘Kei’ me L/N. You have no right to complain about the confessions I get because I turned each and every one of them down and for you. I know I was genuine to you but it was clearly not reciprocated. You’ve wasted enough of my time I’m fucking done. Messing up my performance in volleyball and making me look stupid, I’m done with you L/N, go have fun comparing Hara to other boys when you’re done trying him out.”

And with that Tsukishima turned around and stormed off out the gates.

You stood there speechless. You knew Tsukishima could be cold and make uncalled for remarks but this hurt. Him denying your feelings and calling you out to be like some sort of whore.

Hara wrapped his arm around you and pulled you into his chest.

“Hey it’s gonna be okay. You deserve better than that four eyed loser anyway Y/N.”

You didn’t particularly want to be comforted by Hara right now. In fact you wanted to be away from the boy who had contributed in homewrecking your first real relationship whether that was his intention or not but, you also didn’t have the physical or mental strength to push him away just yet. You needed someone and Hara just happened to be there.”

Sniffling into his chest you nodded slightly as you wondered if Tsukishima was upset or if this whole break up had no effect on him. You thought the latter as your anger towards him grew.

“He probably doesn’t give a shit anyways. It’s not like he can’t have a replacement for me by now anyways. He probably does have a girl waiting on the side for him as we speak.” You snarled as Hara pulled you closer to him.

“Probably, what a man whore. He doesn’t deserve you Y/N.”

You walked home with Hara that night trying to take your mind off of what had happened. The thought of Tsukishima not being bothered or phased by the break up lingered at the back of your head though.

What you were unaware of was that Tsukishima had immediately let his tears fall as soon as he reached the safety of his own room, and rather than watching dinosaur documentaries or studying, he spent the whole night in his room silently sobbing and wishing he could turn back time. He had loved you in his own way and would’ve worked on improving his snarkiness for the sake of you if only you had brought it up to him. But you didn’t and for that, Tsukishima stayed up all night tear stained wondering if you had ever really loved him the way he loved you.

part 2

#haikyuu!!#haikyuu #tsukishima kei #tsukishima x reader #tsukishima x you #oneshot #fanfic

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aleximustd13 · 4 years ago

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I'm a fucking wreck rn I haven't been sleeping for a week and I'm getting some rest from the bullshit factory that is my brain only now, but I just wanted to say that last year for me has been saved by tumblr and all the friends I made along the way.

Before you go below the cut, a special thanks goes to the Bee Movie Anon, who, rightfully, I can't tag so I have to say it here in the hope that they'll see it. Your hunger for chaos made me feel a lot of emotions, and I'd have never in any time or space thought that the Bee Movie would be such a prominent part of my life as it is now thanks (read it with a note of sarcasm) to you. Thank you for providing us an infinite amount of both entertainment and suffering, hell, some of the friends I made were because of YOU. I'm still not sure what was your drive to go and start this absurd crusade for the bee movie in the 80s metal fandom, but I don't know, I don't think bee so, I'm not gonna question your ways.

@arnold-layne being the first in line, you kept me sane somehow in the first phases of quarantine and dedicated a lot your time to talk with me and helped me enormously with creativity. If it wasn't for you, that Cyberpunk Comic That Is Kinda Inspired By The Crüe and Shout At The Devil would've been already down the drain. I would've given up probably, because I didn't know how to exted the concept and have an actual plot. A dream that I've been having for literal years wouldn't even have such cool characters with a rich storyline if it wasn't for you. I know I kinda left it after a month or so of intense brainstorming with you, I was literally drained at that point both physically and mentally, but oh boy I haven't forgot about the characters that WE created. How could I after all? Russ being the wreck of a tormented junkie protagonist that he is, Dylan the happy-go-lucky fuck up that seems to do nothing right but with the best intentions, Frankie the runaway sassy and wary androgynous teenager whose gender is a mystery even to themselves, and the epitome of the found family trope, ex gov agent part Japanese, part Russian, part cyborg Vik, whose story isn't still clear yet but we'll give him a very good one, eventually.

You gave me the curiosity to read fanfiction again after literally NINE YEARS of being distant from that part of the fandom and honestly I don't regret it one bit. In fact, I discovered literally my favorite writer in fanfiction. That is you, Arnold. I don't care how frequently you write, I don't care if sometimes you can't do your best. I'll always be there waiting for the next chapter and I'll always think that your art is sublime. I'll have to admit, I don't read your works as often as I should. But it's because I love them so much that I want to always save for later. It's like a drug, or a delicious cake that you want it to last as long as possible so you can enjoy it for much longer (I should be reading your fic more often either way tho like, at least so I can make more art for it. I'll make sure to change that this year and give you the recognition you deserve 🖤).

Everytime I make art, everytime I make a post, I always wait for your name to pop in my notifs. And fuck if I'm happy when I see it, and I rush to read your tags and it always makes my day. Like seriously, you mean so much to me and I admire how you can still be any amount of sane with all you're going through. You're strong as hell, keep going. 🖤

@i-dont-like-rice dude, how can I explain it. You're my best bud here. You're my chaotic sibling from another mother. The other braindead I share the single braincell I have with. The Nikki to my Tommy. Or the Tommy to my Nikki, I'm still not sure which of us is which (I guess I'm Nikki and you're Tommy? lmao it's ironic how even them are an italian and a balkanian) but you get the point. Every interaction we have, I laugh my ass off till my whole body hurts every time. I think I worried my mother and annoyed my sister at least a couple times for bursting out laughing for five minutes straight out of the blue, especially if it was late at night, and all the times, I swear it was because of you. You are as chaotic as you are kind, and it's always so disarming to see you worry or take care of others when you are definitely in a worse situation. Please, be more selfish, goddammit. For your own sake. And be more confident of your art. Draw shit and post it. Who cares if it's not perfect and you hate it and you don't want anybody to see it, it's tumblr, nobody will ever reblog it or give you the well deserved recognition anyway! So it's worth a try isn't it?

@no-stone-no-bone seriously, I'm so glad I met you. You're like the third element of chaos that holds me and Andi together. All three of us are literally unstoppable. You're extremely sweet too and I wish you the best, and DON'T HIDE SHIT IN THE TAGS GODDAMMIT 😂

@white-lightning-625 @viiinceneil I know we really haven't talked much, and we met through unfortunate times, but I'm so glad that something good came out of the chaos and drama, which is being able to talk to you and getting to know you both better. And the fics. My god, the fics. Frankie, I already told you this but MY GOD. I still find it incredible that I've read a fic about a band I didn't even know what they looked or sounded like and I was HOOKED from start to finish. And Katie, I should definitely read more of your works because I love what you've got going on. You're both very sweet and talented with a very distinct, beautiful way of writing and I can't wait to sink my teeth into the pulp of your work, because I know that by now I only scratched the surface.

@awrestlinggirlwholoves80sbands Bruh, conoscere una fan su tumblr the parla la MIA STESSA LINGUA (e che ha pure il mio stesso vero nome lmao cosa sta succedendo)??? Che concetto innovativo!!! Le nostre conversazioni sono sempre disgiunte, ma non importa, adoro ogni nostra interazione. Sei seriamente una delle persone più dolci e gentili che abbia mai conosciuto. La tua creatività stimola sempre la mia. Le tue moodboard sono sempre 👌👌👌 e ogni volta trovo sempre qualcosa che sì, ci avevo pensato, ma mai nel modo in cui lo poni tu, e di solito sono una persona che resta vicina alle proprie idee, ma tu riesci a farmi alterare prospettiva, e trovo questo meccanismo mentale molto affascinante. Ti ricordi lo swapped instruments AU, con Tommy come cantante, no? Giuro che è un concetto a cui penso ancora dopo mesi. Spero di avere la capacità mentale per tradurre quell'idea in arte il prima possibile, perché cazzo, lo adoro troppo

@tattooed-lies thank you for providing the fandom the best gifs in the fucking platform and thank you for giving us the vinikki content that everyone, even if they're not aware, deserves and needs. Thank you for being the only Vince stan that I know. Thank you for being the sweetest person alive 💖

@nbtommylee honestly, I wish I was cool like you. Your sense of humor is impeccable, much like your critical thinking. I have never read something from you that wasn't a valid point. You don't talk shit and that's extremely sexy of you, y'know? And having a "gender dysphoria buddy" to be jealous of our Rockstar Gender Of Choice with is always fun to have, so that's definitely a plus. Can't wait to see (and read!) more of your art, I just love your style so much and you deserve to be Known

@metalmelkor @emometalhead @polka-dot-duff I'm always so happy to see you in my notifs and y'all are oh so very sweet and cool, we haven't talked much but I love every interaction we have, sorry for having the social skills of a stale piece of white bread 🖤

A special thanks goes to @awesomgrlgr8job bc you're literally one of my very first mutuals since I made the decision to make this dumpster fire of a blog and holy shit it's crazy to think about that. I don't even know if we ever interacted that much but it's always such a joy to see you around, ily and I hope you're doing well and thanks for putting up with my clownery for so long 💖

Like seriously, thank you all. I don't even know where I would be without you. Here's to another year of chaos, but only of the good kind 💖

#witchy.txt #I didn't think I would've rambled so much ahshdhjfjf I'm so sorry you have to go through all that #there are a lot of people I could've mentioned but we never really talked so I wouldn't have much to say #but believe me when I tell you that I love seeing you on my dash and in my notifs #I really mean that #and I hope y'all are doing well bc ily 💖

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electracraft · 4 years ago

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Thanks for recommending Casey Aonso's shipping video, I feel like everyone involved in fandom culture should take a step back once in a while to evaluate our behavior as fans. I see some posts sometimes and I have to take a step back to remind myself we're talking about real people, because holy shit, the amount of reaching and projecting in shipping is so overwhelmingly obvious sometimes, especially with younger and newer fans. But that video reminded me how terrified I am for d+g,,, I love their dynamics, especially how non-toxic they are with e/o, but the fandom is getting HUGE and I can't help but fear they'll reach a breaking point in the future, we've seen it happen before and I would hate if their friendship got fucked over due to harassment from fans, like srs, dream replied to that one tiktoker on twitter and everyone was losing their shit on the tl, and don't get me started on the shit people post on tiktok. I know they've been friends for years and you can't really treat these situations equally, but the fans are all the same jfjfjfj Idk I'm just afraid the type of fandom culture and reputation dnf is building rn will come back to bite them in the ass in the future lol D:

Sorry for bringing negativity to your blog, it's just that the video really got me thinking, but you can ignore this if you want hehe love ur blog :*

hi, don’t worry i’m always down to have a discussion, and this is kind of a topic that i brought up myself, so i’m happy to talk about it :)

i love casey aonso and i liked her video, but she focused on the toxic aspects that come from shipping when the people involved are actively against it because it impacts their lives negatively. and it is completely understandable. but she didn’t talk about anything similar to dnf, a situation in which the content creators are very open about their consent to shipping, which in my opinion makes a very big difference.

having concerns is valid, and i agree that we should always step back from the fandom to avoid creating an echo chamber that can bring to crossing a line.

but we shouldn’t forget that dream and george have been friends for years before doing youtube and streaming together. they are obviously very close and i don’t see this changing any time soon. so i really wouldn’t worry about their friendship (also because frankly it’s none of our concern to speculate about this kind of stuff, if it becomes too much of a problem they will address it), but really more about the fandom and the direction it’s taking.

here on tumblr it’s very peaceful, but i assume it’s not the same on other platforms. and while dream and george’s friendship isn’t at risk at all in my opinion, we basically know for a fact that if one of them were to get a girlfriend she would not have a great time. maia flirted with george on twitter once and for more than a month probably all her twitter replies were about george and dream, and she also got hate for this. this is obviously only a small but very annoying part of the fandom, but the thing is that it’s not an issue that you can easily solve. especially in a fandom that is this big and that grows this fast. content creators can address it if it becomes unbearable, but as fans there’s no much that we can do about it other than avoiding engaging with it.

and i don’t even wanna know what it’s like on tiktok... but as i already said my opinion is that it’s not our place to be concerned for dream and george’s friendship or boundaries, as they can set them themselves and have known each other long enough to do this. what we can be concerned for is the fandom spaces that we are in and how we engage with them, because it is easy to overstep and create an environment that even if it’s not against the content creators boundaries, can become still toxic for other reasons (ex when “shipping” borders the line of fetishization, when the parasocial relationships are taken too far etc)

sorry for the long rant, i don’t know if this makes sense but i will excuse myself by saying that english isn’t my first language lol

#ask #anon #long post #discourse #negativity #i am tagging for blacklist but this isn’t /neg #also i'm going to sleep now so if you send other asks i will answer tomorrow sorry #to sum up #we should remain critical of the fandom but not project our concerns on d and g

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ghosttotheparty · 4 years ago

Text

while the world ends around us (make believe with me)

5. We let the freckles on our faces make a million stars AO3

When Jens’s phone buzzed late last night, he ignored it, simply glancing at the brightening screen before looking away, back at the video game he was engrossed in. Lotte and his mom were both in bed, probably snoring, but he couldn’t fall asleep, hard as he tried.

It was almost midnight when he finally took off the headset and shut off the tv, rubbing his sore ears and blinking in the dim light of the hallway seeping into the living room after staring at the bright, fluorescent screen for so long. As he moved down the hallway, it was like the music and booms and crashes of the game were echoing, rattling around in his skull, clashing with the deafening silence as he cracked Lotte’s door open and gazed at her for a second, his phone, notification forgotten, in the pocket of his sweatpants.

He’d left his light off when he threw himself onto the bed, the door shut gently behind him. The windows were cracked open, the pale yellow curtains parted to let light from street lamps leak into the room, the quiet city just out of reach as he stepped between the window and his bed to grab his earbuds from the floor.

He fell onto the bed, causing a quiet thump and he buried himself under his blanket, hiding from the soft breeze sneaking into the room. He finally pulled his phone out, struggling for a second before managing to plug in his earbuds, and he opened his phone, flinching as it shone too brightly in the dark. His eyes caught on a notification as the phone opened too quickly for him to read it beyond a phone number he didn’t recognise. He let out a quiet “Oh,” as he swiped on the screen until his messages were open, remembering suddenly, his heart picking up its pace until he could hear it.

l: hey this is lucas :)

Jens smiled, hurriedly sending a hey whats up?? before adding the number as a contact, as lucas :). (He’d used a smiley face in the initial email, so maybe it was a Lucas thing.) Before he could leave the app to open his music, Lucas had texted back.

l: not much just staring at the ceiling

Jens had laughed lightly, rolling over so he was on his belly, propping himself up on his elbows with his phone in front of him.

j: oh same

He paused before typing again.

j: sooooo how are you liking antwerp

He watched as a bubble appears, and then disappears, and then appears again.

l: im sure if i went out into the city and actually did stuff i’d like it more

Jens had chuckled, tilted his head understandingly.

j: very valid

j: it’s not the same rn bc of covid but there are still some cool places to see

He watched the bubble again.

l: i haven’t really left my apartment since i got here :( but i do want to go places l: my friends are pressuring me to be adventurous

j: when it’s safe for people to meet up i can show you around

j: we can go on some adventures

After hitting send he paused, biting his lip, wondering if it was too… forward, straight-up, blunt. If it was too early, too soon for a let’s hang out invitation. But then Lucas responded with his little :)and it was fine.

Jens started getting sleepy as they chatted, as Lucas told him about Utrecht and about what he did with his friends.

l: we used to get fries a lot l: too often maybe

l: no such thing j: so we’re getting fries when we meet up it’s decided

l: a man after my own heart

j: stomach

l: oh yea

He wakes up to shifting on his bed, and his eyes open, just a bit. It’s still a little dim out, too early for him to be worried about missing a class, too early for him to be worried about sleeping through an alarm.

It’s the first time he’s woken up in the morning without earbuds tangled around him. He sees them when he opens his eyes, a fuzzy, white, tangled mess on the edge of his bed like he placed them there (maybe he did), and a part of him says huh, seeming to forget that it’s actually possible to fall asleep without his head full of noise.

He glances down, still too tired to really move, and sees Lotte crawling up his bed, a little blurry. He moves his arm so she can climb under it, and realises his fingers are resting on top of his phone, also dangerously close to the edge of the bed. He pulls it closer and slides it up to a safe place before lifting his arm up more, feeling Lotte’s small hands pull at his bicep until it’s in the air, and she flops down next to him, narrowly missing his face. He scoffs and pulls her close, resting his chin on her head.

When he wakes up again it’s brighter, and there’s a jolt in his chest before he reaches up, around Lotte (the arm she’s laying on it filled with static but he’s careful not to move her), and snatches his phone, bringing it close enough to his face to read the time. There are only a few minutes before his alarm is going to go off.

“Lotte,” he whispers, and she just nuzzles her face into Jens’s chest. “Hey.”

She groans quietly and furrows her brows, a hand coming up and curling under her chin softly.

“Lotte, I have a class soon.”

“I don’t wanna go,” she mumbles, moving closer, and he sighs, running a hand over her hair.

“Will you stay quiet while I’m in class?” he asks after a second.

“Mm-hmm.” She nods, moving closer, but Jens sits up, pushing her away, and she ends up with her head on his leg, seemingly undisturbed as Jens bends around her to pick up his laptop and set it in front of himself. She’s snoring softly by the time the video call is open, by the time Jens’s glasses are on his face, by the time the teacher’s droning voice is talking about the homework Jens did last class, still with a few minutes before class actually starts. (Chemistry. Jens suspects Mr Claes is just about as done with virtual learning as the rest of them. Classes are quick, just attendance and instruction. The minimal amount of learning Jens does in this class is through the assignments: YouTube videos and Google Forms. Modern education.)

Jens ends up running his hand over Lotte’s hair, waiting until Mr Claes dismisses them with too much time left over like usual so he can go and make breakfast.

As Mr Claes is talking to Mathijs (“Why didn’t you do last week’s assignment?” Jens winces in sympathy for him.), Jens’s phone buzzes, back on his bed where he had put it before Lotte crawled in and he leans back, pulling it close and looking at the notification, a text from Lucas :).

i: i have dupont first l: any advice

Jens opens the messages, skimming the ones from last night, that took up too much of the night, that are probably the reason Jens’s eyes are struggling to stay open this morning more than usual, and types a response, lifting his hand from Lotte’s head to do so.

j: never had him :/

Lucas responds soon after a second.

l: ugh l: disappointing

Jens scoffs, glancing up as Claes starts discussing the day’s assignment.

j: my apologies j: good luck

He sighs, leaning back as he waits for a response.

“So,” Claes is saying, his voice echoey. “It’s the same as last class, just make sure to turn it in before three today.” None of the other students have their cameras on, and Claes stares blankly, waiting for a response, reminding Jens of Dora the Explorer. After a second, he gives up and says, “Okay, guys, I guess I’ll see you Tuesday.” A pause. “Or I’ll talk to you next Tuesday, I guess. Email me if you have questions.”

Jens’s phone buzzes in his lap but he ignores it long enough to lean forward and unmute himself to say, “Bye, Mr Claes.”

He shuts his laptop quietly when he leaves the meeting, setting the assignment on a to-do shelf in his brain, and lifts his phone to read the text.

l: ok he’s just telling personal anecdotes about his cats i think he’s bored l: but i am too so what’s up

Jens smiles again, pushing his glasses up his nose and pushing his laptop away.

j: my sister is asleep on my leg and my teacher just dismissed us j: so i’m going to make breakfast or something

Jens yawns after hitting send, arching his back as he stretches and hearing it crack softly, taking care to not move his leg and bother Lotte, who’s still sleeping peacefully. One of her hands is under her chin, her fingers pressed between her face and Jens’s leg, making her cheek squish, and Jens gently brushes her hair back.

l: wait that’s so cute how old is she l: also what are you making can i have some l: also dupont just dismissed us, do you want to call bc i don’t have anything to do

Jens grins, quickly reaching up to push his glasses again (they fall when he looks down at his phone; tightening them has been on his to-do list for a while), and responding.

j: she’s eight j: eggs probably come on down j: yes i’ll call you in a minute

“Lotte,” he says softly, clicking off his phone and tossing it away. He touches the top of her head, rustling her hair gently, and she lets out a disgruntled groan, turning her face into Jens’s leg. He laughs, rustling her hair again.

“I’m going to make breakfast, but you have to get off me first.” She doesn’t move. “Do you wanna eat?”

Her eyes open and she glares at him groggily.

“You can stay here if you want, I just have to get up.”

“But you’re so comfy,” she says, nuzzling her face into his leg again.

“Well so are pillows and that’s what they’re actually for.”

“Ugh.”

She finally moves, rolling off of his leg and squirming around like a fish until she finds the pillows, and she clutches the end of the blanket and she buries her face in them.

“I’ll wake you up later.”

“Don’t,” she grumbles into the pillow, and he almost doesn’t hear her.

Before leaving, he reaches over her, snatching his earbuds and pressing a chaste kiss to her head.

As he makes his way to the kitchen, he struggles to plug the earbuds into his phone, lifting it closer to his face to see and bumping into the doorframe of the kitchen, wincing as his shoulder hits a sharp corner.

He calls Lucas, hesitating for only a second to take a deep breath, as he opens the pan cabinet.

“Hey,” he says when Lucas picks up.

“You said you’re making eggs?” Lucas says, sans greeting, and Jens startles, snorting and trying to stifle a cackle as he flips the pan in his hand and turns on the stove. His voice is different than it was during class, over the video call. It sounds... closer. Softer, even though he’s speaking with his chest more so than he did when he was in class.

“Yes? What’s your problem with eggs?”

“I don’t have a problem, it’s just fucking gross.”

The laugh breaks through loudly as he sets the pan on the stove, leaning over the counter to grab the non-stick spray.

“This is not a conversation I was expecting to have today— Are you vegan?”

“No, I’m not vegan. Why, what’s your problem with vegans?”

“I don’t have a problem with vegans.” He spins on his heel to go to the fridge and pulls three eggs out of the carton, leaving two. He makes a mental note to get eggs next time he takes Lotte grocery shopping.

“Just like I don’t have a problem with eggs.”

“Listen… I respect veganism.” He cracks an egg.

“Did you… Just tell me to shut up so I could hear you crack an egg?”

“I…” Jens looks at the eggshells in his hand. “That was not on purpose.”

“The amount of disrespect.”

“I just said I respect vegans!”

“And I just said I’m not vegan!”

“Oh my god…”

Jens laughs as he drops the eggshells in the bin, turning back to twist the knob on the stove to turn down the heat.

“Anyway,” Lucas says lightly. “How are you today?”

Jens scoffs, grabbing a plate from the counter as the egg cooks.

“Fine? I’ve been awake for approximately ten minutes, so we’re going pretty good. You?”

“I’m dead inside, thanks for asking—” Jens interrupts him with a laugh— “But this class doesn’t seem too hard, so that’s nice.”

“Cool, which class is it?”

“Biology.”

“Oh, gross. I just had chemistry.”

“Biology is better than chemistry.”

“Incorrect,” Jens says after scoffing.

“Actually, I’m always correct.”

“I think your brain is broken.”

Lucas lets out a quiet laugh.

“Just a little bit.”

Jens laughs, carefully shimmying the spatula under the egg to flip it.

“What have you been up to other than classes?” He asks after a second, and there’s a slight pause before Lucas answers.

“Just hanging out in my room, I guess. I haven’t done much.”

“You said you’re an artist, right?”

“Uh— Yeah,” Lucas says, sounding hesitant.

“What kind of art do you do?”

“Visual,” he says. “Mostly portraits in pencil or pen, but I really like watercolour.”

“How come you don’t have art or anything on your wall?” Jens asks as he drops the cooked egg on a plate and sprays the pan again. “One of my friends is an artist and his wall is covered.”

Lucas sighs.

“I would, but I’m not allowed to put anything up.”

“Like your landlord won’t let you put pins or anything?”

“No, like my dad won’t even let me use tape, it’s ridiculous.”

Jens makes a face even though Lucas can’t see him.

“That’s stupid,” he says, cracking the other two eggs and mixing them together when one of the yolks breaks.

“He is stupid,” Lucas grumbles, and his voice has changed. It’s lower, less playful than when he picked up.

“How come you live with him?” Jens asks, something in him recognizing the result of divorced parents. Lucas doesn’t answer, though, and Jens regrets asking as he hears Lucas let out a quiet sigh.

“We can talk about something else,” he says gently.

“Thanks,” Lucas says softly.

“So you only do portraits?” Jens asks, changing his tone so it’s more conversational.

“Usually, yeah.” There’s a clicking sound on Lucas’s end, sounding like the mouse of a laptop. “Every once in a while I’ll draw something else, but it’s typically faces.”

“Do you do people from real life?” Jens asks curiously. “Or do you do like… I don��t know.”

“Both,” Lucas says. “I use references and I like drawing my friends with pictures they send me, but sometimes I just… draw whatever comes to mind. Random faces and stuff.”

“I wish I could do something like that,” Jens sighs. “My sister is the artist of the family.”

“I already love your sister.” “Everyone loves my sister.”

“What do you do?” Lucas asks, and Jens shrugs, mixing the eggs around a little with the spatula.

“Not much. Before covid I went skating with my friends, I went to parties and stuff. Now I just play video games and play guitar on occasion.”

“You play guitar?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re an artist.”

Jens scoffs, laughing lightly, but Lucas insists, “You are! Music is an art and you make music. Artist.”

“If you say so.”

“I told you I’m always right,” Lucas sighs. “Ah, shit.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Dupont actually assigned homework.”

“He’s a teacher, Lucas, that’s what they do.”

Lucas sighs again, sounding forlorn.

“Yeah, but I was hoping he’d be easy.”

“It’s biology.”

Lucas groans loudly, and Jens winces, laughing.

“Go do your homework,” he says when Lucas stops. “I’m gonna wake up my sister to eat. Are you still coming by for breakfast?”

“If I’m ever going to your place it’s not gonna be for eggs. It’ll be to hang out with your sister, because she’s probably cooler than you”

“...Wow.”

“Did that hurt your feelings?”

“Little bit.”

“Good. Build some character.”

Jens lets out a laugh that sounds a little much like a giggle for his liking, and his face burns as he turns to pull the fridge open.

“Go do your homework,” he says as he pulls the orange juice out. (Lotte’s favourite. She would drink it like water if Jens let her.)

“I don’t wanna….” Lucas whines.

“My hands are full, you have to be the one to hang up,” Jens says, lifting a plate and trying carefully not to drop the juice.

“Are you already tired of me?” Lucas asks, and Jens can hear him stifling a laugh.

“I’ve known you for less than twenty-four hours.”

“And yet…” Lucas sighs forlornly. “I’ll let you go, I guess.”

“Text me later.”

“Will do. Bye-bye-e-e.”

Jens sets the other plate on the table just as Lucas hangs up, and he stops, his eyes stuck on the table in front of him. Lucas’s voice is still rattling in his head, a stark difference from the sudden silence of the flat. He sounded like he could be in the same room, right next to Jens, teasing him and laughing with him like they’ve known each other for years. Jens briefly wonders if this is how Robbe felt when he met Sander, but he shakes his head, dismissing the thought.

---

Jens twists his back, popping it, and winces in the bright sunlight streaming through his window that falls on his face.

“And I want you all to get some fresh air today too,” Ms Peeters is saying. Her hair is tied up today. Jens has never seen her with her hair tied up. He’s reminded that she does have ears, even though they’re typically covered by her curls. “Take a walk or open a window. It’s nice out today.” “My window is stuck closed,” someone says after a second, the bubble with his initial in it moving as he speaks. Ms Peeters opens her mouth to say something before another student, Liam, interrupts, “Smash it.”

“No, I don’t recommend that,” Ms Peeters says, and Jens hears Liam’s snicker echoing in his speakers. Liam makes similar comments in class.

Jens laughs, glancing down to the little box with Lucas’s face in it and feeling a little rush at Lucas’s grin.

“Okay, anyway,” Ms Peeters says, and it takes a second for Jens to look back at her. “Matthew, don’t do that please. And if you do, I had nothing to do with it, I don’t want a phonecall from your parents. Anyway, you all remember what I said about a project, right?”

Almost every student throws their head back, rolling their eyes, and Jens sighs deeply, mentally adding the unexplained work to his to-do list.

“Well, you’ll be happy, because you can really do whatever you want.”

“Does that mean I can do nothing?” Liam asks, and Jens wonders if he leaves his microphone on just so he can cut in easily.

“Liam, I will fail you,” she dismissed him. “That means you can do an essay, a powerpoint, a poster, whatever. If we were still in person, I’d want you and your partner to present it to the rest of the class, but I won’t make you do that.

“Your assignment is to read a book. A classic,” she clarifies. “And to complete something, powerpoint, essay, whatever.” “Are you assigning partners?” Ella asks after a second, and Jens finds himself glancing at Lucas's box again.

“No, you guys can pick partners yourself. No more than three to a book, and you can all probably find the books online as PDFs.” She pauses, her eyes scanning her screen. “Any more questions?”

“Uhm,” Ella says, looking hesitant. “When is this due?”

Ms Peeters sighs, looking away from her computer.

“I don’t know yet. We’ll see. Probably not for a while, I know you’re all busy with your other classes and, you know, the pandemic. Don’t put it off though,” she adds. “I don’t want you to skim your book and throw something together the night before it’s due. I want to see effort.”

“Also--”

“Ella, stop asking questions,” Liam interrupts, and Jens decides that he definitely leaves his microphone on just to be able to annoy people better. He wonders if he does it in any of his other classes. Maybe not. None of Jens’s other teachers are as patient as Ms Peeters.

“Someone has to,” Ella retorts. “Are we still doing poetry?”

“Yeah, we’re going to do poetry in class and your project you’ll have to do on your own time.”

“Okay.”

“Any more questions? Comments, concerns? Debates, disputes, dilemmas?” Ms Peeters asks, her trademark end-of-class questions. “No?”

Jens shakes his head, because he knows she can see him.

“Okay, well I want you guys to enjoy today, so you’re free to go. Pick your partners and book and email me so I can keep track. Cool?”

Jens’s phone buzzes not five seconds after he leaves the meeting. (Ms Peeters always leaves last. He doesn’t know why, but he suspects it’s in case anyone wants to stay after and talk. She seems like that kind of person.) He shuts his laptop, leaning over his bed and pulling his phone up.

l: partners? I might already have a book

Jens grins, immediately typing a response.

j: yea for sure j: what book do you have?

He lays back on his pillows as he waits for a response, pushing one of them under his head until it’s comfortable.

l: the great gatsby? She never said it had to be a belgian classic

Jens scoffs, shaking his head.

j: You’re turning into Liam j: but sure whats she gonna do, make us start over?

l: I can send her an email and ask but i’m pretty sure shes gonna say sure

j: sounds good

Lucas responds with his signature smiley face, and Jens smiles at his phone before adding,

j: i should warn you that youre making a mistake picking me as your partner though j: im not a reade

After hitting send he tosses the phone across the bed, stretching his back again and looking out his window. From his room he can see the buildings across the street. The windows are all shiny, reflecting the sunlight brightly, like the sun is inside the building itself, burning everything up except the structure and glass. Jens tosses his blanket aside, stretching his legs out and sighing before spinning to sit on the edge of his bed. His eyes drift shut as he sits there, supporting himself with his hands by his legs, digging into the mattress.

It’s quiet, but he can hear Lotte’s TV show come through the walls and his door. The volume is low, per his instructions, and it’s just a gentle, inaudible hum. It makes him think of the music he’d be able to hear through the bathroom door at parties.

His phone vibrates behind him and he reaches back to get it as he stands, opening his door.

l: not to worry i like reading l: and ive read the great gatsby several times already

what are we gonna do our project on, though? Jens types, making his way down the hall, doing his best not to walk into the wall or door frame of the living room. like a powerpoint or an essay or??

l: powerpoint sounds easiest l: we can do like just a summary of it l: or analyze gatsby or something

j: whatever gets us a passing grade

l: got it

“Are you done with class?” Lotte asks, looking up at him with a cereal bowl under her face. She’s cross-legged on the floor in front of the television.

“I’m done with that class,” he says, flopping onto the sofa. “My teacher let us out early so we can enjoy the weather.”

“Are we gonna go on a walk?” she asks excitedly, spinning around on the floor, nearly spilling milk on the carpet. Jens raises an eyebrow at her.

“We can if you finish eating first. And if you get dressed,” he adds, glancing at her pink pyjamas.

She eats her cereal as quickly as she can (Jens tells her not to choke on it.) before rushing off her to her room to change. Jens doesn’t bother changing out of the sweatpants and t-shirt he slept in. While she’s gone, no doubt wrecking her room by throwing clothes everywhere, Lucas texts again.

l: I found my copy of it l: you should be able to find a pdf online but worst case scenario i read it to you over skype or something

Jens smiles.

j: yea that could work

Lucas responds with another smiley, and Jens thinks about it.

He supposes he could do something while Lucas reads it, take notes or work on the powerpoint. But part of him (most of him) wants to just listen. Lucas’s voice sounded different over the phone than it did during class. Jens wonders if it’ll sound different when it’s just the two of them.

Just the two of them.

Jens’s stomach flips over.

He grabs a granola bar before he and Lotte leave.

---

He doesn’t bother putting in the effort to finding the PDF of the Great Gatsby online after Lucas says it’s a go. (Ms Peeters is indifferent. She says she just wants them reading.)

“Hey,” Lucas says when he appears on Jens’s screen, and Jens was right. He does sound different. He also, apparently, has freckles scattered across his nose, and a mole just above his lip that Jens can’t see when Lucas is stuck in a box as small as the one in class. After a brief pause, Jens turns up the volume a little on his laptop, adjusting his headphones as he sits back.

“Hey.”

“So. Storytime?” Lucas holds up the book, smiling. It’s dim in his room, like Jens’s, the setting sun making stripes on his wall glow orange.

“Yeah,” Jens says brightly, sliding down so he’s propped up on his pillows. (A stack of three. His mom hates it, but it works for him.) “Do you want me to take notes or something?” He has a notebook and pen next to him already.

“You can if you hear anything worth noting,” Lucas says, shrugging. “I already have a ton of annotations in here, so I wouldn’t worry.”

“Okay.” Jens leaves his laptop propped up on his legs and crosses his arms over his chest, burying his chin in his elbow.

“Okay,” Lucas says, smiling as he looks at Jens. There’s a long pause before he inhales sharply, looking away and opening the book. Jens’s face feels hot. “Okay. I’m skipping the preface because it’s like w quarter of the book and kind of unnecessary.”

“Do you have notes in that section too?” Jens says, and it’s meant to be a tease, but Lucas says, “Yeah,” and Jens snorts.

“It’s a good book, you asshole,” Lucas retorts, grinning.

“Proceed,” Jens says, gesturing politely with his hand.

“Dick,” Lucas mutters, and Jens snickers as Lucas opens and flips through the book.

“Okay. Ready?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice…”

Lucas’s voice shifts slightly when he reads. It’s lower, less him and more… Nick, Jens supposes. He can’t tell if Lucas is doing it on purpose. He doesn’t think he is. He reads a little quickly, but not so quickly that Jens can’t understand him.

Lucas reads.

And reads.

Jens can tell Lucas loves the book.

He barely even looks up (which means Jens doesn’t feel embarrassed about how much he’s just staring at him (although to be fair he doesn’t have many other staring options)), completely engrossed in it, subtly shifting the octaves of his voice for the voices of Jordan and Catherine and Myrtle. Jens finds himself smiling.

The only time Lucas breaks character is to say, “This is my favourite line.”

“Tell me,” Jens says softly, almost holding his breath to hear it.

“Yet high over the city our line of yellow windows must have contributed their share of human secrecy to the casual watcher in the darkening streets, and I saw him too, looking up and wondering.” He pauses, taking a breath. “I was within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life.”

Lucas looks up, a small smile painting his face, and he looks almost proud.

“Wow,” Jens whispers. “Do you have that highlighted?”

“Underlined.”

Jens hums.

“Are you gonna fall asleep on me?”

He hums again, moving his arms out of the way and rolling his head.

“I’m sleepy but not like falling asleep, you know?”

“Mm-hmm. We can finish this chapter; it’s only two more pages.”

“How many chapters are there?” Jens asks, and he watches as Lucas flips through the book.

“Nine,” Lucas says after finding it. “And we have time, so…”

“Yeah.”

“Myrtle pulled her chair close to mine…”

When the chapter is finished, it’s dark out, and Lucas closes the book dramatically and sets it to his side with a flourish.

“To be continued,” he says.

“Spooky.”

“You’re falling asleep,” Lucas says, looking at him skeptically, cocking his head and smiling.

“...Yeah.”

“Didn’t know my reading voice was so soothing.”

“Oh, so soothing. You should do stuff for the Calm app.”

“‘Stuff.’ Very specific.”

“I just said I’m falling asleep, and you expect me to be articulate?”

“Well I never expect you to be articulate.”

“Oof…” Jens winces, looking away from the computer as Lucas says, “Hah hah.”

“You’re too quick for me,” Jens says, sitting up slightly and pushing his laptop away. Lucas raises an eyebrow. There’s a curl that’s fallen in his face, and for a second, Jens wishes he could push it away. “I’m gonna have to kill you. I can’t have any competition.”

“Social distancing,” Lucas says, holding up a finger. “Murder responsibly.”

“Of course. Always.”

“Okay, got to bed, Jens. You look like you’re about to pass out.”

Jens groans, shutting his eyes for a second, ignoring the strange flutter in his stomach.

“It’s only like ten.”

“Yeah, that’s bedtime by normal people standards.”

“Ugh. Fine. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

When they hang up, Jens finds himself smiling.

Again.

He lifts his eyes from his blank laptop screen after some time (he doesn’t know how long, and he can’t be bothered to look), and shakes his head.

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bangchanswolfpelt · 4 years ago

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Im so ugly and lonely i just want yeonjun to fuck me

😤 hotness is a social construct, boo! 😤 i don’t know what you look like, but i do not need to know to know that you are the ideal of beauty for somebody out there!! 😤😤😤 the only thing that’s ugly here is the society that’s invested in making you think badly of yourself!!!! 😤😤😤😤👿

that being said, your feelings are totally valid. it is too easy to feel ugly in a world with horrifically narrow and often conflicting beauty standards, and easing loneliness is much more complicated than just finding someone who wants to bang you. :[ if it helps, just know that i am right here with you, also lonely and also fantasizing about getting railed by Yeonjun. and if THAT doesn’t help, just know that more Yeonjun-fucking is on the way.💕 (@muselin's also got some good shit for you rn, too💕💕💕)

((idk if you are actually interested in serious advice from a stranger on the internet, but if you are, i have some homework for you:

i want you to think about why you are feeling ugly right now. it’s gonna suck, like poking at a bruise, but sometimes you have to prod at a hurt to figure out what’s wrong. (((i need you to be gentle with yourself, here, tho. do NOT use this as an excuse to be cruel to yourself, and do NOT do this if you think you're in a headspace where it will lead to you hurting yourself, physically or mentally. pain from pulling glass out of cut is not the same as pain from digging it in deeper.)))

do you feel ugly because you’re comparing yourself to people like idols and models and actors?

get away from looking at people who are literally being paid to be hot, because it is their actual full-time job to look good and comparing yourself to them is both unfair and unrealistic. they are devoting time and resources to looking good that no normal person has, and only have to maintain that for short periods of time.

also, maybe spend some of your kpop time looking at selfies/vlives from idols when they’re barefaced and unstyled—seeing them with flat, fried hair and no goddamn eyebrows is a really endearing and down-to-earth way of remembering that they’re just people, too, and that the photos and videos you compare yourself to are the result of hours of makeup and styling that disappear once performing/shooting/etc. is over.

do you feel ugly because you’re dissatisfied with your appearance? what about it is dissatisfying for you?

while it’s really important to try to love yourself for who/what you are, there’s also no shame in making changes to feel better.

are you unhappy with your body? maybe get up and do some gentle exercise—not because it will help you lose weight, but because being physically active is proven to help your mental health, and also thinking about how your body is capable of doing cool things like punches and kicks can make you feel more positively about it.

are you unhappy with the way your clothes look on your body? this one is a little harder, and will probably take some more long-term experimenting and also money, but think about what’s wrong with the way your clothes fit you. one small difference can make the way you feel about your appearance change drastically—a while back, i replaced all my bras with bras that actually fit and immediately felt less gross and lumpy, because with bras that fit, all the clothing that went over them fit better, too. don’t worry about fitting into what’s trendy right now, but don’t be afraid to use it as a jumping-off point to experiment; i spent over twenty years thinking that high-waisted clothes would just emphasize my squishy belly only to realize that because of the way my body is shaped, high-waisted stuff is actually really flattering on me.

do you feel like your body is something you don’t have any control over, like it’s something you feel alienated from? there’s a reason chopping/dying hair is such a post-breakup stereotype—it’s a way to assert control when you feel like you don’t have any. think about the things you can change that will make your body feel like it's more your own, think about the things you've always wanted to do. play around with cutting and dying your hair, maybe even shave it all off—hair grows back, have fun!! tattoos and piercings are more expensive and permanent, but i can tell you from experience—if they're something you really want, they're fuckin worth it. your body belongs to you and no one else, and sometimes having a visible reminder of that can help a lot.

also, this is gonna feel real dumb, but like—maybe just stand in front of a mirror and just think about how hot and fuckable you are. because i can guarantee, no matter what you look like, you are exactly as fuckable as you want to be. no matter what traits of yours society tries to make a joke of, there is always gonna be a sizable chunk of the world's population that thinks those traits are sexy as hell; the fact that i managed to spend a not-insignificant amount of time enjoying myself in the micropenis tag on AO3 is proof of that, i think.

these for sure aren’t big fixes, and i’m not even touching on stuff like body dysphoria/dysmorphia ((((would love some answers for those myself)))), but these are some the little things that have been helping me and i hope that maybe they can help you too, boo.))

#mail corner 📬

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dramaphan · 4 years ago

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Dan and Phil Stereo Show, A Live Reaction by Me, Dramaphan

•Their avatars staring blank faced at me through my tv is so scary holy shit

•We are one failed attempt in, doing great guys

•Their mouths moving at the same time because they’re literally sat next to each other is killing me jesus

•”Content warning for Dan, his mouth is filled with soil” Phil it’s an 18+ app you can say fuck

•Various verbs being used in the penis talk. Quack. Squeeze. Considering turning this off

•Dan is really emphasizing the term “Phans” he’s said it three times and I’m not comfortable

•God y’all weren’t lying about the echo

•I feel like I’m having a stroke holy shit what are they saying

•I literally could not tell you what they’re talking about right now I think Dan said something about dunking his balls in the bath

•Dan blatantly brushing off all the “I missed you” messages shut up you dickhead

•Dan what the fuck is that gremlin impersonation STOP

•”We’re having a little bit of echo” THANKS FOR NOTICING KING MY EARS ARE BLEEDING

•”hopefully that’s better” it’s worse

•Every time someone asks Dan’s opinion on a Phil look he literally just says “if you had a different personality it would work” Jesus Christ he’s like a talking doll

•Now they’re both speaking through Phil’s giant head. Fellas, you could have sat in different rooms

•Dan is really pushing this foamy bath imagery I’m going to steal his teeth

•”we’re both coming out of Phil’s mouth now” he can’t help himself he just can’t

•I talk a lot of shit about Dan but if it weren’t for him, I would never know that Phil has seen a porno with the tesco delivery man in it. Thanks Dan. Cheers for that.

•Dan thinks a 20/20 vision joke is “disgusting humour” Dan you just made several jokes in a row about getting your balls out in the bath with Phil shut up

•”lick me! Caress me!!” I’m gonna kill him I’m going to do it

•Phil literally choking up about his parents and then being like “oh well people have it worse” sir please you’re gonna make me weep

•Okay I just watched through the whole house part and I’m 🥺 no articulate thoughts just 🥺

•House features include one green wall and one desk wow the insight

•”Do you think pigeons are smart enough to have emotional bonds” has the same energy as that one video of the guys on the bunk beds that are like “do you think pigeons have feelings” “I’m gonna give you one last chance to shut the fuck up”

•Phil dove headfirst into the dog talk and then took it nowhere uh

•”I have sexy Irish Siri on my phone but you’ve chosen Australian for the house” huh??? Are they in the house rn or do they just have a fuckin Alexa or something what did that mean

•Oh we’re talking about the dog again

•”the fish” SAY HIS NAME TELL ME HOW HE IS

•OH WE TALKING GAMING CHANNEL NOW??? YOU FINALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT NOW THAT I’M OVER IT YOU FUCKERS????

•Phil really said “hey Dan communicate with your fucking audience” and Dan said “instead, I will throw a tantrum”

•So he stepped away from YouTube to do some soul searching great great cool would have been so cool to know that two years ago but hey thanks for telling us now

•The new topic is “what has Dan been doing” wow he really said alright thanks for the communication now we’re going to bully you good love that

•They spent two hours on that fucking Instagram photo and at no point did they think, hey, what if you put on anything except these tighty whities

•OH the two bathrooms thing is already currently happening I thought that was part of the new house thing but no that’s been going on and you know what that makes it even funnier

•oh we’re talking about the gaming channel past tense now alright cool thanks

•Oh so we’re still in the “we haven’t decided what we’re doing” limbo? Maybe we’ll return to it? No you won’t.

•So Phil thought Dan was gonna put his buttcheeks in a magazine and Dan was also fully willing to do that Jesus fucking Christ I’m gonna get that prediction right aren’t I

•What kind of YouTube content are you not allowed to talk about, Dan??? 🤔 Surely if it was just regular videos on your channel you could give some hints??? I’m so right about his channel plans being exclusively behind a paywall I just know it

•So Phil is working on some kind of interactive show, which I think we knew already so I’m not updating the fucking list oh my god I’m not doing it. Can’t figure out if he’s been pitching it to like, tv networks or to YouTube

•Something about them cutting each other’s hair is really making me 🥺

•”it’s not suitable for YouTube” hey Phil??? What the fuck is that supposed to mean???

•book talk time

•”you have no idea how annoying I’m gonna be in April right before this comes out” no don’t worry I’m aware

•So it’s not a memoir, and it’s not a self help book, it’s both? Maybe? Whatever I’m still not buying it

•Phil has read the book. So I assume the book is? Done? Didn’t he just the fuck start writing it how is it done

•”it’s full of juicy tea about me” oh god one fear

•So you plan to trick us into becoming happier and healthier people what the fuck is this book about

•”it can help every single person watching this” actually I’m going to become more unstable on purpose

•”our Siri stopped listening to Dan” bitch I don’t blame her

•Phil hates mushrooms and that’s valid

•whoever asked them for a tiktok knows I’m trying to predict tiktok Phil

•Dan’s absolute panic at the bdsm story is never not going to kill me

•”what, you don’t like poppers?” Oh my fucking god end my life

•”Phil is tapping my leg” why is that so funny Dan is trying to start beef and Phil is just fuckin taptaptaptaptaptaptap

•Also who’s the band I bet it’s fob

•”they’ve made water taste like farts” okay Dan really tickled my inner 12 year old with that joke he gets one funny point

Okay final thoughts: they sure can make me have Feelings when they talk about their general life plans but boy no amount of feelings can overpower the way Dan makes my fucking teeth itch. Very happy for them, very soft and mushy about this house concept, starting to learn that maybe I just don’t enjoy consuming Dan content anymore

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paradife-loft · 5 years ago

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A Smattering of More TGCF Thoughts, Having Finished Book 3

*not exhaustive, because that would be way too much; but still apparently enough rambling to need a cut for length

EVERYTHING IS METAPHYSICAL WORLDBUILDING...... I don’t even know if I have a specific place I’d want to start with this, bc it’s all just deeply fascinating trying to tease out how it all works, but. mmmm delicious crunchy worldbuilding on what heavenly officials (of each court) and ghosts even are, and how spiritual power works! what exactly ascending is, and what role “fate” plays in that, and what even is fate really? what relationship does fate have to social standing in one’s mortal life?

this is my shit. I love to know how it all works. I will poke at all the things.

BLACK. WATER. XUAN. it is probably obvious by now that I am in massive hearteyes with He Xuan?? just. the dramatic flair! the extent of being SO wronged! intense murder aesthetic! d e d i c a t i o n. power and planning and being utterly terrifying as a trap closing in when the time comes - and an absolute Weirdo antisocial half-person Mess the rest of the time! “I am going to give you all these tests as opportunities to show that you see me, the person your successes came at the very literal physical cost of, and CARE to rectify that horrible injustice. show me that you give a fuck! show me that you’re not just stuck in your pampered myopic little heavenly heads!”

I am a little disturbed by how quickly I’ve built up a whole headcanon persona and POV for He Xuan already despite. not having finished the book yet. :’D what can I say though, intense capacity for violence, plus messy depression/depersonalisation badbrains, plus unstable identity and literally subsuming other beings into yourself, plus hella fucked up relationship with food... This Is Coming For Me Where I Live rn <33

(nom nom transmisogynists make a delicious crunchy snack~)

honestly it’s kind of like, the more intense my feelings & thoughts about a character are, the harder it is for me to really ramble properly about them without more specific prompts.... oops. but just know, I have many He Xuan thoughts. hot damn.

Yin Yu and Quan Yizhen ;____; god, I just have.... a lot of feelings about the way in which Status Issues Fuck Them Up. and about how Yin Yu ends up taking all this blame not because he’s A Bad Person, but also not because he’s Framed Horribly and Is Totally Innocent? he’s just very real, and imperfect, and his personal shortcomings combine with events to create a complete and utter clusterfuck :(

CORPSE RATS CORPSE RATS :D I am enjoying literally everything that’s eaten other spirits in this book honestly. delightfully fucked up favourite “taking on traits of a thing you consume” trope :D

Mount Tong’lu especially, but also just a certain amount of the aesthetic of this book in general, is once again Reminding Me Of Dark Souls. it’s the combo “gain more power by murdering other entities and consuming their souls” / “transformational Final Level specifically called a kiln” thing, I think.

so I guess it’s canon that the Supremes are a “mentally unstable obsessives only” club??? :’D I have a lot of feelings about much-younger-ghost!Hua Cheng just kind of. spending ten years alternately nerding out over trying to learn to read a dead language, and trying to... depict his devotion and somehow express/externalise the very story of who he even is into this empty underground series of caverns? trying to pound it into his head to, like, remember who he is and make SOME part of the world witness to what’s made him, even though (and because) he can’t actually open up about any of that to any other people?

like hmm, certainly I don’t think he’s losing it during the Mount Tong’lu experience as much as, say, certain other individuals might have (*cough*), because he’s not literally taking the essences of other beings into himself, just getting a power-up - but that alone, killing so much and experiencing that kind of metaphysical change, must already be kind of disorienting and weird? especially if you’re functionally alone the whole time?? which is to say, sure, the thousand gods and all the murals might have been a little bit of a monument to Hua Cheng being batshit crazypants for a while, but given the material circumstances of 10 years of isolation/ling nerding/murder, I really cannot blame him. (I would also rather not have other people, certainly not the object of my affection & obsession, get to see those things! that is entirely relatable, not sinister!)

(obligatory “what would a centuries-old sourdough starter from Mount Tong’lu be like“ joke....)

although. that said. I continue! to be not okay! with the extent of Literal Hero Worship happening in this relationship! “if you don’t have anything else to live for, then live for me!” like ok ok it is all very well and good that you said that as a dumbass naive teenage god, and clearly don’t believe in any such thing anymore, but. Hua Cheng! has not gotten over that! he is still very much in that headspace! “oh don’t worry my ashes are in a totally safe place bc if the place where I hid them was destroyed then I would have no reason to live either ~<3″ NO. NO BAD. EXTREMELY BAD, HUA CHENG SIT DOWN RIGHT THIS INSTANT UNTIL I FIND YOU SOMEONE TO TALK YOU THROUGH THIS SHIT.

I just. mmmmmmmnnn. I really enjoy how they interact with one another most of the time! I’m also just... not cool with the level of power disparity in terms of psychological vulnerability to one another, that seems pretty fundamentally baked into the dynamic :/

(it’s funny bc this is the opposite of the panic Mu Qing & Feng Xin were having over Hualian, oops)

actually while I’m being a whole-ass Downer about ships, I will also mention that I do Not get shipping those two..... like “excessive bickering” has never appealed to me in the first place but also. FX seems to genuinely think MQ is a bad person?? and doesn’t understand what his perspective is like in general? perhaps I am simply A Bit Sensitive to people misunderstanding someone and thinking they’re a bad person bc they’re not Nice And Cheerful And Personable, but. eugh, no thank you.

miscellaneous thoughts....

Ling Wen can honestly do as many murders as she feels like, I’m not too broken up about this ultimately :////

Xie Lian’s trauma response panic mode whenever he sees White No-Face! it’s upsetting!

White No-Face is not valid specifically for the reason that I wanted the next ghost king to come out of the kiln to add something cool to the Calamities’ color scheme >:( Give Me A Purple Ghost You Dumb Motherfucker >:(

(actually in part I make fun of him because I am otherwise also terrified of him! he is creepy and horrifying! he seems like substantially less of a Person and more like a Horrible Force of Nature than the other calamities!! also HE WAS LIVING IN THEIR HOUSE *screams*)

(you may notice there is approximately no book 2 content on here and that is.... largely bc I found book 2 very upsetting and unpleasant to read, as “overwhelming futility in the face of world affairs and mass suffering” is in fact my Least favourite emotion to have evoked in fiction. or in real life for that matter. “biological phenomenon wherein foreign entities grow in or on your body” is ALSO a least favourite thing in both fiction & real life too, funnily enough! not actually to the same extent as Futility Forever, but. no thank you.)

there’s definitely more I wanted to talk about at one point or another and then forgot, so, if there’s something you want to hear about in particular, ask me questions!

#James liveblogs books #hua cheng's ghostly down with cis bus

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