#I’m looking at medic and spy and sniper while saying this

[ozzyeelz]

Me, heavily typing at my computer, while crying: “how to draw charac- *sniff* characters better *hic* 5 easy steps *sobs* wikihow *wailing*”

[cheemscakecat]

Fun/Interesting details in Expiration Date

Heavy knows that Pauling is calling them, and lets Scout be the one to answer. Also, road safety because he’s not distracted driving.

Medic is so hyped about tumor bread.

Hoovy smelling the sandwich and deciding it’s safe to eat [or that it doesn’t matter at this point].

Pyro standing like that. He don’t know what’s going on, but he’ll still be polite. Also, Sniper just chillin in the back with a poker face the whole time.

Medic smiles at Soldier as they walk past. Engineer’s got that Conhager death-cheating focus at the moment.

Spy’s eyes widen angrily when he realizes it’s Scout at the door and then he smirks like; “Oh hi! Twelve hours was enough time for you to get bored of my absence, then?”, not expecting a sincere apology [maybe one orchestrated by the other teammates, but not Scout].

There was some vitriol behind that “***”, look at his nose. He does not want Scout to gloat, try to prank him again, or give a fake apology. And that’s valid, since the team dying is something Scout should have taken seriously, and the last wishes handled with respect. He crossed a line that Spy doesn’t take lightly.

Dad, I threwed up. But in all seriousness, that’s the “My family is dysfunctional, and I don’t know how to be emotionally honest with people” posture.

See my bucket scene analysis for more on these two.

He didn’t say “You’re terrible with girls” in a snide or smug tone, he said it with like actual parental concern. “Scout, no you have three days! Do you want to die rejected or die before you can enjoy being together? No. Don’t do this to yourself.”

Look at that cup, he did not need a refill. This fake smirk and disinterest is Spy’s way of checking how serious Scout is about this last wish and taking his advice. And when he goes “This never leaves this room” Spy perks up.

Medic was taking a sample of bread tumor puss [or injecting it with something].

They have a whole entire wrestling ring, how did I never notice that?

This is one of those multiple choice questions where you can choose more than one answer and have it be right. But the chicken in combination with the other options looses you points, and just taking the chicken is like the token wrong answer.

Spy sighs when he realizes Scout chose just the chicken. Like chile, I gave you multiple options and you still went with your go-to that doesn’t work!

This room has a gym floor, which implies Spy took a bunch of fancy stuff from one of his rooms just for this date training. Also shoutout to the other teammates for helping with this.

Okay, so most of these decorations came from Pyro, who Scout is terrified of. Archimedes came from Medic, who Scout also doesn’t want to make angry, and the grass cutouts are potentially part of the base camouflage. But that disco ball? That belongs to Scout, he just doesn't want anyone to know he’s real into that. [The team would not judge, but his brothers would, so.]

Man when he gets his heart broken, I hope he finds the right girl for him. He deserves better than Pauling always making excuses to turn him down instead of telling him like it is.

Foreshadowing Solly being romantical towards Zhanna. Look at this content man.

Spy holding his knife like this. There’s no reason for it to be a threat, so he’s just genuinely in the habit of doing this while listening. Or while nervous, which also makes sense.

[sardonic-the-writer]

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐌𝐞𝐫𝐜𝐬 𝐃𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐋𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐀𝐜𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐖𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐈𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐝𝐞

↳ includes: scout, engineer, heavy, medic, sniper, and spy (i forgot demo i'm so sorry)

↳ warnings: bad translations, slight mentions of world war two and malpractice

↳ song: with a little help from my friends—joe cocker

masterlist | commissions | carrd

𝐒𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐭

• He would be so smug about it

• Puffing his chest out and everything

• His friends in the past- and even family members -have teased him for mispronouncing words or speaking too fast, and it’s made him a bit self conscious about the way he talks. But after hearing that you find it endearing, its a giant ego boost for him

• “Yeah dat’s right! Who’s awesome? I’m awesome!” Scout smiles as he flexes his arms in your face, subjecting you to what he likes to call a surprise gun show. You pretend to hate it as you shove his arm away, but chuckle all the same

• He’s already gloated before that he already knew his accent was the best. Boston is the greatest place in the world after all! But hearing it from you really just sent him over the moon

• Makes a point to talk to you a lot more now; as if he didn’t already

• “Yo! Hey did you see that kill out there? I totally messed dat Spy up! One wrong step and pow! He’s dead meat!”

• “I saw Scout. I was covering your flank while you did it, remember?”

• “Yeah yeah, but I just thought you’d like ta hear about it again.”

𝐄𝐧𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐫

• Didn’t consider himself to have an accent until you pointed him out

• Sure, he says the occasional y’all and ain’t, but not enough to qualify as a whole different way of speaking

• It wasn’t until he dropped a hammer on his foot and cursed that he understood what you’d meant

• “What in the sam hill! Sweet hell!” He’d exclaimed, startled. Once the throbbing in his leg had subsided, Engineer replayed his words in his head, making a slight o with his mouth as he realized you were probably right. To some extent at least

• He was a born and raised Texas boy, so it makes sense that the culture rubbed off

• Doesn’t understand at first that you find it nice. Maybe he thought you pointed it out just because you could? He’s a bit distracted when it comes to anything but machinery, so he misses context sometimes

𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐲

• Surprised that someone like you who can speak English fluently finds his mannerisms attractive

• Gets frustrated sometimes when he can’t remember certain words in English. Heavy is a very smart man, so it aggravates him when he looks illiterate in front of his team

• That’s why hearing that you like his mother tongue caught him by surprise

• “But you don’t know any Russian?” He’d rumbled out as a question. When you shook your head no, still sporting a smile, his eyebrows furrowed further

• “Nah. But I like hearing it when it comes from you. It sounds more natural. Like you’re more comfortable than normal, you know?”

• You’re technically right. When Heavy slips into Russian, often whilst talking to Sasha or simply forgetting that not everyone on the team know how to speak it, he is more comfortable in his words. They flow better, and he’s flattered that you’ve noticed

• One hundred percent offers to teach you Russian in his spare time. He finds it slightly adorable how you stumble over words in your broken translations, but always manages to softly correct you

• He’s a really good teacher

𝐌𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐜

• Positively thrilled that you like his voice

• When you tell him for the first time, he goes into shock for a moment before breaking out into the biggest smile you’ve seen. Somehow its a perfect balance between excited and malicious

• “Do you hear zhat Archemedies? Mein freund here enjoys my accent!” He cooes at his bird, chuckling in a way that would make anyone’s insides squirm

• Once you look past Medic’s initially devious reaction, it’s very clear he enjoys knowing this

• If anything, the ex-doctor would have thought that you’d enjoy the more stereotypically romantic sounding languages. Spanish, Latin, etc

• German has always been considered harsh or scary sounding, and it turned a lot of people away from hiring him after the events of World War Two, which he understood. Still, Medic finds himself absolutely tickled that you are drawn to his accent

• Finds himself slipping more and more into German while doing checkups on you now. When he catches himself, he translates most of what’s he’s said back to you. But sometimes he’ll simply forget, and it leaves you wondering if he’s offered you a glass of water or the opportunity to swap your bladder out

• You sincerely hoped it was the former

𝐒𝐧𝐢𝐩𝐞𝐫

• Oh my god you killed him

• Sniper is very reserved. Living in his camper, hunting his own game for dinner instead of joining the others, literally pissing in jars, etc etc

• Being a man of few words comes part and parcel with that; which normally works out just find because Scout talks enough for ten people

• Hasn’t said much to you before. He mostly communicates in head nods or slight tilts of his coffee mug in your direction. Maybe a few ‘good mornin’s’ tossed around, but nothing more than that

• “You know, you should talk more.” You’d said to him one day while pouring a fresh pot of tea you had just boiled into your own mug. He preferred black coffee himself, but whatever floats your boat

• “You voice.” You elaborated after a sip. You must have noticed his confused look as you carried on. “It’s nice. Can’t imagine that you don’t have gals throwing themselves at you all the time because of it.”

• Suddenly very grateful he wasn’t drinking any of his brew at the time, because what you said surely would have made him choked

• He, in fact, had had a few ladies approach him in town before saying something along the same lines. Even a few fellas. But nothing made him blanch this strongly like you had

• Excuses himself as he walks out of the room suddenly, tilting his hat down to cover his face no one can see the furious red tint forming

• Sniper leaves you in the communal kitchen. Holding a steaming cup of liquid and looking very confused

𝐒𝐩𝐲

• Already knew before you told him

• To anyone else, it would have been passible as just curiosity. But Spy’s job is to know things, and it is an undeniable fact that you found his voice attractive

• Doesn’t utilize this weapon often. You are not a weak willed person swayed by just a few words, so when he needs something he pulls out all the stops

• Of course, that doesn’t stop him from being impressed when you eventually admit your little not-so-secret-secret to him. And of your own free will. He didn’t have to pry it out of you, which was a feat on its own

• Much like Heavy, he extends the offer of teaching you how to learn his language. Now that he no longer has this knowledge as a bargaining chip, he might as well seize the opportunity to teach you a proper language

• Considers using electroshock therapy to condition you faster, but nixes it pretty quick

• Again, like Heavy, he finds it cute how horrible you are at French. More amused than anything, but he can appreciate the way you practice verbs in your free time even when he isn’t leaning over your shoulder

• That you know of, that is

• Praises you often in french, letting excited phrases slip when you nail a particularly hard set of words

• “Merveilleux ! Tu t’améliores beaucoup, ma petite. Encore une fois.”

• While you don’t understand the full extent to his words, you smile and continue on, eventually realizing what he had said later in a fit of embarrassment

[mrsvalentinefucker1]

Support class dick hc, kinks + How they fuck

Cw: knives, rough sex, blood

Sniper

•Dick: I’d say about 6, 6 1/2 inches if I’m being generous here. Definitely not thin, it’s got some girth to it that’s for sure. He never ever clean shaves he thinks it looks weird (he’s not wrong) so he’ll definitely just trim up a little or maybe not at all. Wild man moment. Plus, he kinda loves the scruffy look he has going on. I know everyone says he’s uncircumcised and i definitely agree with that. Tip is not red but definitely a deep pink, it’s cute. Two visible veins, one on the top of his shaft and one underneath it. So he’s very very sensitive.

•How he fucks: Rough. He likes to be fucked hard and to fuck hard. His favorite position to see you in is definitely mating press or doggy style (with a knife to your throat) he loves to see your face contort with pleasure and fear. He’s very vocal i mean haven’t you heard his voice lines. Come on. He loves telling you how great of a fuck toy you can be when you aren’t being a cunt or a teasing slut. He doesn’t have a favorite place to cum really.. Whenever he gets his rocks off is where it stays so.

•Kinks

Praise: definitely, but backhanded praise “look at you, good little slut.” Stuff like that you know?

Predator vs prey play: I know this is so basic but oh my goodness he LOVE LOVE LOVEEEESSS to chase you down and just fuck your brains out if your skull. Like I said, he likes it rough. (Me next)

Knife play: Ofc this is one of them. That mf is a literal animal. He just likes the power trip tbh. Having your life in his very hands, though he’d never do anything to ever hurt it.. it’s hot to watch your fearful eyes and if you enjoy it just as much as he does, you’re in for a ride of dirty talk and rough hard sex.

Public sex: touching you while in public. Something about it. Maybe it’s bc he likes to tease and see how long you can last without gripping his arm while shaking and begging to cum or maybe it’s because nobody around you can (probably) tell how good he’s pleasing you, and how they’ll never get a chance to touch a wonderful lady like you the way he does. Who knows

BREEDING: Though he is scared to have kids and will take every procedure to make sure you won’t get pregnant, he still loves to just cum inside of you all day, everyday. (Same sniper.)

Stepping: he probably likes to be stepped on. He’ll buy you beautiful, expensive heels just so you can step on him or press against his hard cock. (Meow.)

Spy

•Dick: solid 5 1/2, it’s not too thin but not exactly thick.. it stretches you very very nicely that is for sure. He trims it constantly. He is never out of order, he takes too much pride in himself to let it grow out like that wretched bushman. Uncircumcised, his dick skin is like.. oddly soft and velvety. One small vein on the side of his cock, it’s nice. Tip, I’d say, is a light cute pink.

•How he fucks: He either makes love for a long time or he plows you hard. Usually both. He rides the fine line very well. While he goes at it soft and caring, he teases you a lot. Vibrators, toys, his finger, his mouth. He just likes to tease you a lot.. but once he slips in, its game over for him. He can’t help it. He has to fuck you like an animal in heat.

•Kinks

Lingerie for sure. He loves to either buy them for you to give you his card to buy yourself some and then surprise him with it! (Will probably write a fic based off this)

Spanking or brat taming: He will absolutely wreck your ass if you talk back to flirt with ANYONE. He will spank you so hard you’ll become a babbling mess.

Body worship: Giving or receiving, he loves to tease you by kissing down your gorgeous body and leave small bites all over you. Nipping, kissing, nipping, kissing. You know. Backhanded kisses

Medic

•Dick: He’s German and from my experience, they’re packing serious heat. 7 inches hard. Argue with the wall because I will not listen. Tummy bulge will happen so be prepared. Much like spy he keeps himself in check, trims every couple of days. Circumcised, dark pink with a red hue tip. It’s sensitive as hell. No visible veins until he gets to fucking, then they all start popping out. Thick. Hard stretch that’s for sure.

•How he fucks: They all fuck hard but him.. dear lord. Pray and buckle up because he will bruise your cervix. He pounds. He doesn’t even fuck, HE SLAMS. bed? broken, operating table? broken, desk? Broken twice. He loves to just fuck you into a mindless mess. That’s all

•Kinks

Roleplay: He loves to roleplay anything really. Nurse and doctor, doctor and patient, boss and intern, things like that.

Knife play: scalpels are going to be pressed against your skin.. which leads me to my next kink hc

Blood kink: Licks the blood off of your wounds or the small cuts he marks your body with. If you have a period, best believe he will be begging to fuck you on it

“Meine Liebe! It feels so much better when you’re on your period, it also relieves cramps too!”

[miintsprigz]

Hi again!! Was wonderin if ya could do some hcs of Scout, Pyro, Sniper, Engi, and Medic with a reader who loves to give and show them drawings they made, but gets pretty nervous when they watch them draw? If this isn't exactly yer cuppa tea or you just genuinely do not know how to write this, feel free to just ignore this request:]

Hope you have an excellent day/night/evening/afternoon/noon!!>:DD

Ah, I think I recognize you there! Good to hear from you again. I’ll give it a shot!

GN! Shy Artist Reader x Mercs

Characters: Scout, Pyro, Sniper, Engineer, Medic (TF2)

Warnings: None

Scout ⚾️

• The two of you tend to draw while you hang out, just chatting in the meantime.

• He absolutely adored your work, and loved watching you make it.

• But when you pulled your sketchbook to your chest quick, he seemed confused.

• “Hey! You good?” “Yeah, I uh…I just feel weird when you’re watching me draw.” “Huh? You don’t gotta feel embarrassed, doll!”

• “…You know when you tried to pull off a jump while Spy and Demo were watching the other day…” At this reminder, Scout gave you a teasing scowl—not genuinely mad, just embarrassed remembering that.

• “Ah geez—yeah, if they hadn’t spooked me by starin’ at me like a buncha creeps—oh.” “You get it now?”

• He got…a little confused. “Am I makin’ it worse? Aw man, I’m sorry—” “No, no! I just—that awkwardness? Yeah.” “Ohhh, I think I gotcha…”

•Scout, uh, scooted over on the bed a little and eventually sat back down with his back against yours. “There. This’ll fix it!” Both of you erupted into laughter.

•In all seriousness though, he respected your wishes. He keeps everything you make for him in his room, aside from a small doodle or two that he carries on him to work at all times…awww.

Pyro 🔥

•You and Pyro lay sprawled on the floor, with a can of colored pencils and a box of crayons respectively.

•They’re actually quite good when it comes to color, pairing different hues together. It’s hard to tell exactly what they’re drawing, but sometimes you can faintly make it out.

•You suddenly felt eyes very intently locked onto you and jerked your head up.

• “Hm??”, came through the mask, muffled. “Uh…could you um…”

•They did that curious little head tilt, tenderly reaching for your hand. If you needed to tell them something, they wanted to make sure they heard it!

• “I feel nervous when you watch me draw. I know it’s silly, but—” “Ah!” Genuine surprise from the masked figure. They’d had no idea.

•Immediately, there were muffled apologies from under the mask, quickly hugging you. “Hey hey, it’s okay! I’m not mad. I just figured I should tell you. You’re okay, Py.”

• “Mmph?” “Yes, dear. I promise.” Giggling a little now, they pulled their free hand over the eyeholes of the mask like a visor, blocking you from view. You chuckled along with them.

•Later on, as the two of you shared drawings, you made out a familiar visage—that of you, with a couple bright red hearts drawn nearby. “Hehe, I love you too.”

Sniper 🏹

• Mick didn’t often watch you draw, honestly. The two of you tended to do your own thing in the same space, talking occasionally. Even that was enough.

• Once you caught him watching on what was kind of an off day though. You kind of just stared back up at him.

• Sniper cocked an eyebrow. “Why’d ya stop?” Biting the inside of your cheek, you looked off to the side.

• You felt the bed next to you sink down a little as he moved closer. “Hey. Ya got somethin’ ya wanna say?” His voice was softer, more cautious. “…cuz ya know, I’d like to hear that.”

• Shuffling a bit to get more comfortable next to him, you sighed. “I don’t know how to explain it, but…I feel weird when people watch me draw.” “Yeah?”

• You nodded. “Kinda see what ya mean, I guess. Ya think they’ll judge the work-in-progress?” You silently agreed.

• A slight smile brightened his features. “Well, dunno if it helps, but I know a lil better, love.” His shoulder brushed against yours as you moved a bit closer.

• “I love everythin’ you make. And I know that you know what yer doin. But…if you’re more comfortable with me not lookin’, I get that too. That’s fine.”

• He went to move away, but you quickly clasped his shoulder softly, indicating that he could stay. “Maybe, I could try to keep going?” A laugh broke through as you admitted, “Besides, I like sitting next to you.”

• Humming contently, the Aussie planted the briefest of kisses on the top of your head. “Arright, darlin. You just lemme know.”

• As you kept working on that page, you did notice when he was watching, and it wasn’t easy, but after that he would have periods of staring off into space instead.

• There was a conciseness to it. He’d taken what you’d said to heart. Still, though, he seemed happy…and you were, too.

Engineer 🔧

• Dell had gathered quite a collection of your art by now, kept it on the wall of his workshop. He showed it off proudly to anyone who happened to enter, even if visitors tended to be few and far between.

• One night, you kept him company as he worked overtime on a new design for a model. While he worked, you did too.

• After a while though, you could tell someone was looking at you. As your gaze lifted, you caught him sneaking a peek from his desk, right next to the table where you sat.

• “Aw, did I break yer focus there? Sorry, honey.” “No no, it’s okay, Engie…I could put it away for now anyway, if you want something—”

• “No problem, (Y/N)! You can keep right on with that if ya like.” A somewhat sheepish smile came to your face.

“Hey, Engie…can you keep a secret?”

• “Mmm?” “…I get sorta nervous when people watch me draw.” A knowing sort of smile slowly crossed the Texan’s face, sliding his goggles up to rest on his forehead for a moment.

• “You wanna know a secret?”

“Hmm?”

A nostalgic sort of thoughtfulness crept into his voice. “I used ta be the same way.”

• “Really?” You never pictured the mellow, easygoing Engineer to ever be self-conscious in that way.

“Yup.”

• “People would ask me all sorts a’ questions while they watched me build. ‘How ya gonna make that work?’ ‘What’s that do?’ ‘Why’d ya put that there?’ Drove me crazy. Part of the reason I got a shop, I s’pose.”

• He held a spare nut and bolt, twisting them together and apart as he talked, somewhat absentmindedly. Eyes wandering a bit, but always making their way back to you.

• “But here’s somethin’ I think you oughta hear, although I’d never try ta make ya change. Your work is yours, darlin’. Yours and yours alone. Ya make such beautiful things. I’m not askin’ myself what you’re doin’ when I watch, cuz I already know.”

• He put the fidget aside and reached for your hand with a sweet smile. “Why do you like to watch me work?”

• You could feel your face redden just a bit, and grinned at the floor for a moment. He chuckled at this, in a lighthearted way though. “Cuz it’s really cool how you make everything work, and how smart you are with your designs.”

• “Yep. That’s why I like watchin’ you work. Own the process, (Y/N). It’s all yours. You know exactly what you’re doin.”

• “Thanks, Dell.” “Of course, honey. Of course.” From that moment onward, it seemed like he tried not to watch for too long, but when he did, you remembered his words. And it didn’t feel quite as nerve-wracking then.

Medic 💉

• Medic absolutely loved to watch you draw. It was fascinating to him. Seeing how giddy he got, it took you a while to work up the guts to tell him.

• “Is something wrong, Liebe? You’ve been stopped for a while now.”

“Yeah, uh…Medic, I wanna tell you something, but it’s weird.”

“Oh?”

• “I uh…I feel kinda…nervous, I guess? When people watch me draw.”

“…might I ask why?” He seems genuinely perplexed by this. “I think it’s fascinating.”

• Yeah, yeah he would. You weren’t sure how to explain this to him—you knew for sure that he didn’t mind when people watched him at work, he operated on fully conscious people!

• You sighed softly, unsure of how to make this make sense to him. A hand rested on your shoulder for a moment. “(Y/N), I can see this means a lot to you. And as much as I love watching you at work…I love you even more. So I’ll stop doing that.”

A smile crept up on you, glancing back up at him.

“I appreciate it a lot, love. Sorry I can’t put it into words.”

“No need to be sorry! But…I do have one request.”

“Yeah?”

• A sheepish sort of smile came to the doctor’s face. “I can…still see the finished product, right? And maybe, instead of me watching, you could tell me how you put everything together?”

“Of course! No problem.”

“Ah, wunderbar!”

I’ve been very tired lately so I’m sorry this took me so long, and that it’s sorta short/repetitive. I appreciate your patience!

[queerfortress2]

Can we get sniper hc for a reader who has adhd and atoms a lot (for some reason I’m fixated on Australia rn so he just comes with it ig)

im gonna assume that says stims???

AFTER NOTE: TUMBLR DELETED THE WHOLE THIJG I HAD TO REWRITE AND IM SO TIRED- mod medic

ADHD!READER X SNIPER

AUTISM + ADHD DUO OMG WHO SAID THATTTT

i dont think he minds as long as you dont jumpscare him while hes in his little scope world. tunnel vision is a real thing, you know. he really cannot pay attention to you when hes paying attention to his job, and you running in loudly or hopping, or repeating a phrase out of nowhere might startle him into believing youre a spy.

outside the field i think he finds it endearing, he doesnt like much talking, so you doing all the talking actually helps him. hes quite a good listener when he isnt stressed out of his mind, and I PERSONALLY THINK he has his own little stims related to his gun. tapping the scope, flicking at the magazine, the works.

will not admit it though good luck trying

he also doesnt mind you having some stereophones, as long as he can hear what youre listening too. he finds the tiniest noises more irritating than the louder ones, mostly because in his job he needs to watch out for the littlest of movements, and the quietest of sounds. what hes looking for is only slightly above the ambience of the room. so he finds anything in that specific range to be offputting.

if you share a special interest i think it’s honestly doomed. one moment you’re talking in his sniper nest and another you are now in the new mexican nature looking to spot certain species of wild snake. he just enjoys certain topics more than others is all. (denials)

[rubin-therubix-loverofblorbos]

TF2 INCORRECT QUOTES: ULTIMATE EDITION

Medic: I hate taking off my glasses, because without them, my vision goes from Full HD all the way down to buffering at 240p and I just can't handle that.

Sniper: Are you good? Spy: In what sense? Sniper: Generally. Spy: Oh, definitely not.

Scout: You think that’s cringe? Moms around the world wait 9 months just to end up naming their kid Dell. Engineer: Hey, fuck you.

Soldier: The waiter at Olive Garden has been grating my cheese for 6 hours now, waiting for me to say when. Customers are screaming. Three people have died. Soldier: I will not yield.

Engineer: Still not over how yesterday when my flight landed, our pilot said we arrived 50 minutes early because they took some "shortcuts". Engineer: Excuse me, we were in the sky, what do you mean???

Spy: Okay, who's turn is it to give the pep talk? Medic: It's Soldier's turn. Soldier: Don't die. Medic, wiping a tear away: Truly inspirational.

Scout: We need more help. Maybe I should call my friends. Pyro, Muffled: … Your what? Scout: My friends. Engineer: Are they saying “friends”? Heavy: I think they're being sarcastic. Soldier: No, no, no, this is delirium, they've cracked from being awake all night. Hey, Scout! All of your friends are in this room.

Heavy: If I say I love you, will you say it back? Medic: Yes. Heavy: I love you. Medic: It back. Later Scout: Why is Heavy crying face-down on the floor?

Demoman: What happened to Soldier? Engineer: They died. Demoman: They what? Engineer: They died, but they’re okay. Demoman: …Can you please clarify? Soldier: Clarification is for the weak.

Engineer: Medic, Heavy, I love y’all and all, but can I ask what in the hell are you doing? Medic, trying to stabilize a tower of folding chairs that Heavy is sitting atop: Oh nothing much. Heavy: I love you too :)

Engineer: Caffeine no longer keeps me awake while I work, so instead I have Medic periodically send me texts saying ‘we need to talk.’ Engineer: It gives me the right amount of adrenaline and fear I need to keep going.

Medic: tapping fingers on table Soldier: taps fingers back furiously Sniper: …What’s going on? Scout: Morse code. They’re talking. Medic: -.-- ..- .-. / - …. . / -.-. ..- - . … - Soldier: slams hands on table YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

Soldier, to Demoman: Why is Scout not talking? Demoman: I'm playing the silent game with them. Soldier: Well, then you just lost. Demoman: I lost two hours ago. I gave them ear plugs and told them to close their eyes. It was the only way I could think of to get them to shut up.

Spy: casually taking four stairs at a time Sniper, falling behind, taking two stairs at a time: Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fu-

Engineer: Here are two pictures. One of them is your bedroom, and the other is a garbage dumpster. Can you tell which is which? Scout: Scout: This one is the dumpster. Engineer: They’re both your bedroom.

Engineer: Stop setting things on fire because you're curious about what will happen. What will happen is fire. Medic: But what if something else happens just this one time. -Pyro giggling in the background-

Demoman: I’m having salad for dinner! Engineer: Demoman: Well, fruit salad. Demoman: Actually, it’s mostly grapes. Engineer: Demoman: Okay, it’s all grapes. Demoman: Fermented grapes. Engineer: Demoman: Engineer: Demoman: It’s wine. Demoman: I’m having wine for dinner.

Medic: Truth or dare? Soldier: Truth! Medic: Do you- Engineer: I dare you to kiss me. Soldier: kisses Engineer Medic, to Heavy: They said “truth”, right?

Scout: When I get murdered, can you make sure I become an unsolved case? Sniper: wHat? Scout: I want to be on Buzzfeed Unsolved. Sniper: Can we go back to the part when you said "when I get murdered"?

Heavy: Where’s Soldier? Spy: Around. Heavy: Around? Heavy: You don’t have any idea, do you? Soldier, dropping down from above: Did you know there’s a space above the ceiling?

Soldier: Do you think I’m ugly? Engineer: It’s not about looks, Soldier. What’s valuable is on the inside… Soldier: Engineer… Engineer: For example, someone's heart. Soldier: Aw… Stop it- Engineer: It could be purchased for more than a million dollars, you know. Soldier: Seriously, stop.

Demoman: In alcohol’s defense, I’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

Sniper: How many children do you have? Spy: Biologically, legally, or emotionally? Because there is a difference.

Demoman: What are your adjectives? Spy: …You mean my pronouns? Demoman: No, I know what your pronouns are! What are your adjectives? Spy: …I dunno. What are yours? Demoman: Noisy and chaotic! Spy: I’ve never had something go from making no sense to making complete sense so quickly.

Heavy: Unpopular opinion, not all dogs are good boys. Soldier: Blocked. Heavy: Sometimes, they’re good girls! Soldier: UNBLOCKED!

Soldier: I’ve been here in jail so long I think I’ve lost my mind. Soldier: The days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months. Soldier: How long have I been in here now? Almost a year? Medic: This is Monopoly.

Spy: Goddamn it, the printer broke while printing out Sniper's birthday invitations. Soldier: Well, what are they supposed to say? Spy: "Sniper's birthday". Soldier: So, what do they say instead? Spy: "Sniper’s bi". Soldier: Soldier: Works out either way.

Demoman, clearly drunk: Spy, hit me another drink… wooOO HOOoo… Spy: I think you need a therapist and not a bottle. Demoman: I think yooOOoou need to shuUT YOUR MOUTH! Medic: Spy isn’t answering my messages. Sniper: Allow me. Medic: I tried 6 times, what makes you thi- Spy: replying to message Hello.

Soldier: I think it’s time I get my life in order. Engineer, narrating: But they did not get their life in order. In fact, they got drunk last night and befriended a raccoon. Scout: Sniper! This soup is flaccid! Sniper: LITERALLY WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS MEAN?! Medic, on a random band name generator: Oooo! They Might Be Depressed Horses! That about sums up my friend group. Scout: Helpful grammar tip: “farther” is for physical distance, “further” is for metaphorical distance, and “father” is for emotional distance! Demoman: My favorite part about Megamind is that he literally grew up on Earth around humans but is still confused about human culture and etiquette. Zhanna: So did I. He's not special. Engineer: Guys where did Scout go? Medic: They got arrested. Engineer: How the hell- Scout: *bursts in through the window* The cops are after me, I thought it would be fun to steal crackers and throw them at people. Miss Pauling: Soldier, we tried things your way. Soldier: No, we didn't. Miss Pauling: I did it in my head and it didn't work.

Demoman: I like your top, Sniper! Spy: I have a name, you know. Sniper: Sighs Why. Why are you like this? Demoman: How do you tell someone that you wanna have sex with them in a polite way? Sniper: Excuse me Lovely. Would you give me the honor of indulging in sexual activities with you? Miss Pauling: What the fuck is wrong with you two? Heavy: Is the Grinch his name, ethnicity, or job? Scout: It's a slur. Scout: *in a jail cell* What about my Miranda rights!? You’re supposed to say I have ‘the right to remain silent’”! NOBODY SAID I HAD THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT! Engineer: *in the cell next to them* You have the right to remain silent, what you lack is the capacity. Pyro, Muffled: Do you know the ABCs of first aid? Sniper: A. Bone. Coming out of the skin is very bad. Engineer: Engineer? Yeah, I'm enginEERING MY FUCKIN' LIMIT! Soldier: Heavy has no idea I’m high. Heavy: You’re high? Soldier: Oh, I’m sorry. Soldier, leaning over to Medic: Heavy has no idea I’m high.

Zhanna: Is letting someone win at chess sapiosexual bottoming? Spy: Can everyone in this godforsaken group please learn the skill called "Think Before You Speak"? Heavy: Ya know... it might be. Engineer: The smell of Home Depot is cathartic... Fairies live in the lights and chandeliers section, gnomes live in the outdoor gardening department... Spy: Stop romanticizing Home Depot. Engineer: Pixies live in the paint aisle. Fuck you. Engineer: Oh, fiddlesticks. Sniper: Look, I understand this is a tense situation, but let's watch the fucking language. Engineer: Why is it that I always lose things as soon as I need them? Sniper: Actually, it's not that you lose things when you need them. You lose them a while before. It's just that you LOOK for things when you need them. Engineer: Okay yeah thanks Sniper, that's great but WHERE'S THE FUCKING FIRST AID KIT? Applebee's Waiter: What would you like to order? Pyro: I'll take the apple. Applebee's Waiter: We don't actually sell apples. Pyro, visibly frightened: Okay then... I'll have the bees... Medic: Make her pussy wet, not her eyes. Spy: Make his dick hard, not his life. Scout: Break her bed, not her heart. Pyro, Muffled: Play with her boobs, not her feelings. Sniper: Get on his dick, not his nerves. Soldier: Always salt your pasta while boiling it.

Scout: Which country has the most birds? Scout: Portu-geese! Engineer: That's a language. Scout: Portu-gull? Engineer: Good recovery. Medic: I think you mean good re-dovery. Spy: TURKEY. HOW DID WE MISS TURKEY? Zhanna: Okay, if we can't do it by sheer force, we'll do it my way. Spy: But your way is sheer force! Scout: Pokemon is trying to slowly convince us Pikachu was always fluffy and I for one accept this future. Heavy: Did you think the mouse was just smooth and had yellow skin like a little simpsons demon?? Scout: Scout: Maybe. Demoman: What are you drinking? Engineer: Vodka. Demoman: Straight? Engineer: No, gay. Why? Soldier: *Kicks the door open, looking panicked* Engineer: What did you do?! Soldier: NOBODY DIED! UNFORTUNATELY! Engineer: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

Pyro, trying to comfort Sniper: What's the problem? Anxiety? Low self-esteem? Obsessive thoughts of random arson? I've been there. Sniper: But MuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuum... Medic: Can someone translate this? I don't know Australian. Scout: I'll do my best. Ahem. AY YO MA. Scout: Yum, thanks! Kidnapper: *puts more tape over their mouth* I said stop eating it. Medic, barging in: Syphilis! Engineer: Medic: Engineer: Pardon? Zhanna: I have no respect for this Santa character. Don’t sneak in through the chimney and undermine my authority by bringing my family presents. Walk in through the front door and fight me like a man. Engineer: You can't wake up if you never got to sleep. Sniper: Scout, remember when you said you weren’t going to interfere with my love life? Scout: No, that doesn’t sound like me at all. Engineer: I have a problem. Soldier: Kill it. Engineer: Can you chill for like, two seconds?

Zhanna: Are you okay? Heavy, crying: Yeah, it was just the onions. Zhanna: Picks up an onion What the fuck did you say to my brother? Sniper: Our relationship is strictly professional. Spy, sitting on Sniper’s lap: Absolutely. Only on business. Pyro: Do you ever think? Because I do not. Soldier: Screw lactose intolerance! I will consume as much dairy as I want! Soldier 2 hours later, crying on the floor: WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH?! Heavy, to Engineer: If Scout doesn't say "I'm King of the world" within an hour on that boat, I will give you my next pay check. Scout, within 5 minutes of getting on the boat: I'M KING OF THE WORLD!!! Zhanna: You know, I used to play back in my gory days. Demoman: You mean glory days? Zhanna: Ah, that too. Medic: Heavy, do you love me? Heavy: Of course I do! Medic: Would you still love me if I did something bad? Heavy: Well, of course I… would… Medic: I mean something really, really— Heavy: Medic, what did you do?

Engineer: Come on, Spy. Nobody actually believes that Soldier is in love with me. Spy, to The Squad: Raise your hand if you think that Soldier is helplessly in love with Engineer. Everyone raises their hand Engineer: Soldier, put your hand down. Pyro, Muffled: Dude, we can get mythical animals! Maybe I’ll get a penguin! Medic: Penguins are real. Pyro, Muffled: That’s the spirit, Medic! They’re real to me too! Miss Pauling: double checking supplies in the boat Compass. CB radio. Sunscreen. Pyro, Muffled: Hot dog costumes! Miss Pauling: I’m sorry, what? Pyro, Muffled: You know, in case we get lost at sea, and one of us, probably Soldier, goes mad with hunger, we’ll put these on. Soldier hates hot dogs, so they probably won’t eat us. Miss Pauling: Are you saying that Soldier would rather eat us than hot dogs? Soldier: I do hate hot dogs. Demoman: So, how long have you and Engineer been together? Soldier: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Engineer and I are not together. No. No. Demoman: Really? Sixteen ‘nos’? Really? Scout: I bet you can’t make a sentence without the letter “A”! Engineer: You thought you just did something there, didn’t you? Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but numerous sentences could be constructed without employing the first letter of the English lexicon. Demoman: Fuck you. Heavy: Uh, Engineer? Demoman is in the pool and I don't think they're waterproof. Engineer: What? Zhanna: I think they meant, Demoman is drowning. Engineer: WHAT?! Meanwhile Demoman: is drowning Miss Pauling: OH MY GOD, DEMOMAN! KEEP SWIMMING! Demoman: I can't swim, dumbass— sinks Miss Pauling: DEMOMAN!

Sniper: is hugging Engineer Zhanna: Hey! It's my turn to hug Engineer! Zhanna: grabs Engineer Demoman: kicking down the door What do you mean, "yOuR tUrN"? We agreed now is my time slot! Sniper: No, It's still my turn! Engineer: suffocating Guys, I love you, but just because I'm the smallest doesn't mean you can be huggin' me constantly! Zhanna: But we need the moral support! Sniper: And you're small! Which is cute! Demoman: If I don't hug you right now I think the depression will kick in and my body will stop functioning. Engineer: close to tears Well- I, I guess. Miss Pauling: Well, you know what they say: Can’t bake a pie without losing a dozen men! Pyro: No problemo! Pyro, internally: But it was all problemo. Miss Pauling: Are you sure this is safe? Soldier: Safer than Flintstone vitamin gummies in a bottle. Soldier: Keep twisting, junior! All you’re gonna get is clicks. Scout: I'd roast you, but my mom says I can't burn trash. Scout: slow-mo walks out of the room

AND ON THAT NOTE, YOU'VE {somehow} REACHED THE END OF THIS ATROCITY!

[bingusmode]

Tunnel of Love

Blue Pyro x Female Reader

AN: your class name is Vet short for Veterinarian

Pyro had a problem, he had a massive choice to make, a choice that would change everything.

He had sat Spy down and held up two identical flame resiatant suits. As if he was asking which one Spy thought looked better.

Sniper looked on, taking a sip of his coffee.

“I don’t get it, they look the exact same”

Heavy shurgged, turning a page in his novel

“To you, but maybe is different for Pyro”

Spy took a drag of his cigarette, looking at the suits with a critical eye. He gestured to the right one

“I personally prefer the two inch inseam with the cleaner hemlines”

Pyro nodded before rushing back to his quarters, eager to take Spys advice.

Sniper handed him a cup of black coffee.

“Was there actually a difference?”

“Of course not, every suit he has is identical, but he wouldn’t leave me alone unless I told him something”

“Odd bloke that one,”

Pyro had always been odd, but the past few weeks, it was really taken up a notch. He had slowly started taking some of the mercs personal hygiene items.

A razor from Demoman, a comb from Sniper, Cologne from Spy, the list went on. While it was strange, the team didn’t think much of it.

Spy handed Sniper a spare cigarette,

“I am all for our firebig friend improving his apperance, whatever that might be”

“What's the use of improving it if we don’t see it?”

Heavy shrugged

“Self confidence?”

But Pyro had a reason, and it was located on the Red Team.

Vet was holding up a pretty good fight, getting to the injured Medic couldn’t. She tossed a med pack at Engineer before going to check on Demoman, carefully avoiding sentries and open sniper spots where she could. She ran into the tunnels, switching on her flashlight.

“Demo?”

She had seen him run in, chasing someone into the tunnels. As Vet went further, she could smell something absolutely foreboding. Smoke.

Vet clicked off her flashlight and immediately turned to get out of the tunnels as quickly as she could.

A thick, gloved hand stopped her from doing so. She didn’t want to look, she really didn’t, she didn’t want to look into the black eye holes of the Blue Pyros mask.

She stood still, waiting for the unbearable heat that came from his flamethrower, but it never came. Vet slowly turned to face him, still waiting for the final blow.

It never came, Pyro cocked his head to the side as if to ask her what was wrong.

“...hi?”

His demenor changed, suddenly elated that she was talking to him. Pyro started to gently pull further into the tunnels, Vet went along. If this is what kept her from burning to death, then she would take it.

As they got deeper, she could see the small, flickering light of candles. Pyro led her to an open area, a blanket laid down on the ground and candles providing light in their dark surroundings. Vet could spot the man-sized lump wrapped in a tarp and shoved to the farthest wall. She knew it was Demo, it was an awful sight but at least he was covered.

Pyro had her sit down on the blanket, holding both hands out to tell her to stay put. Vet did as she was told, fear making a home in the pit of her chest. He came trotting back with a basket filled with MannCo sponsored goods. Vet was stunned, it was filled with jams, dried fruit, and even small chocolate bars. These goods only came once in a blue moon, it would have taken him months to collect all these. Pyro shoved the basket in Vets arms and sat down across from her, gauging her reaction.

“You- you got me these?”

Pyro nodded eagerly and clapped his hands.

“I don’t know what to say,”

She really didn’t. Sure, she had noticed that Pyro never targeted her on the field, but she had assumed that she wasn’t a threat to him. So he never bothered to track her down, but this? This was a confession.

“I’m sorry, I don’t have anything for you, I didn’t know-”

Vet spotted a rip in his suit, exposing charred skin. Demoman must have done some damage before he met his end.

“But I can help with that, let me see your arm”

Pyro was all too happy to thrust his arm over to her, nearly vibrating with excitement. Vet pulled out her supplies and got to work treating the near 3rd degree burn.

“You didn’t feel this?”

Pyro shook his head, followed by a shrug.

“I guess you’ve become numb to it, handling fire like you do”

She treated him like he was glass, careful to not irritate the surrounding scarred skin.

“You should really see your Medic for this, my work won’t last you long”

He looked fascinated at the bandaging she had done, like it was the most precious gift he had ever recieved.

“I wish I could give you more but…but maybe next time?”

Vet couldn’t believe what she just said, did she really just sign herself up for this again? Had she officially lost it?

Pyros head snapped up and starting clapping again with glee.

“Okay, we can do that…without any burnt bodies though”

Pyro nodded and crossed his heart with his finger, making a promise.

At this point, Vet had been gone for awhile, she didn’t know where her team stood in the match. Pyro didn’t seem bothered, but they couldn’t stay there forever.

“Pyro, this has been fun, but we should get back. Our teams need us,”

His shoulders slumped forward but he nodded anyway. Standing up and holding his hand out to help her up. Vet took it, taking note that he was being extra gentle with her.

Pyro never let go over her hand, leading her out the tunnels with ease. When they got to the entrance, he hesitated to let her go

“It’s okay, like I told you, we can do this again,”

This seemed to put him at ease, before he let go. Pyro pressed his mask to Vets cheek before running back down the tunnels. Leaving Vet perplexed and with a basket full of goods. Her cheeks were burning red after his “kiss”. Vet wasn’t exactly sure what happened, but she would be prepared with gifts and treats for next time.

After the battle was over and each time went to recover from their wounds. Blue team watched as their Pyro looked through a book about flower meanings.

Scout look shocked

“I didn’t know he could read-“

Sniper elbowed him

“If it keeps him busy and away from fire, then shut it.”

They could talk all they wanted but Pyro didn’t care. He had a second date with the cutest girl in the world, and he hoped it would lead to many more.

[bobamilkk]

Tf2 Headcanons but I get Carried Away easily

Scout

Scarily Flexible and will casually do contortionist stretches in his room when he’s bored

He subconsciously chews on his dog tags when he thinks

Talks with his hands

Eats random shit that he should not eat-Soldier encourages him too-Medic has found a car battery in him before

Lactose intolerant

Surprising good driver-races his motorbike around the base when bored

Street racing nerd /pos

Undiagnosed adhd and will very loudly complain when his energy spikes but he’s not able to go on a run-no I’m not self projecting what are you talking about /s

Has a visible scar on his hip from the comic, wears crop tops with every intent to show it and his tattoo off

Soldier

The opposite of scout-He gets stuck doing a handstand. Tries to mimic scout anyways

He gives a war pep talk before every single meal and demands they do the pledge of allegiance before eating-even on days they don’t have missions

Partially deaf and has hearing aids from the extended exposure to his rocket launcher-his screaming doesn’t help

Him and Scout are each others lack of impulse control-Scout goes “what if” and Soldier very loudly tells him to do it and cheers him on while he does said dumb thing

Pyro

He/They :)

Easily cold and steals everyone’s blankets

Medic gave him anatomy coloring books-They only color them with pink crayons for some reason

He,,,doesn’t eat?? At all?? And he only drinks by sticking a straw through their mask

Gives people plushies when their sad-alternatively offers themself as a plush to hug if that doesn’t work

Demo

Accent gets stronger the more he drinks-after a certain point no one can understand a single word he’s saying

Cries during sad movies even when sober

Jokingly doesn’t share his alcohol with Scout while teasing him that he’s “too young”

The only one with a braincell when paired with the offense trio-he gets the main blame for whatever bullshit they pull off as a result

Heavy

One of the most common people to be on cooking duty, alongside Engie

Gentle giant around the team-will even sing Pyro lullabies when they ask for it

Will gladly go on hour long infodumps around Sasha

Often falls asleep on the couch and wakes up with all 8 of the others using him as a pillow-every single time he wakes up confused af

Engie

Never swears but can and will call you every southern insult in existence-if he DOES swear you know your FUCKED

Somehow the only one able to scare Scout into doing chores-no one knows how

Kisses his plush of whatever respective ship partner when he thinks no ones looking-Spy has a blackmail photo of guise

Calls people to the dinner table by threatening to throw their food out to the coyotes

He’s dubbed the dad friend when in reality he’s unhinged af

Medic

Birds flock to him constantly-not even just doves either-He’ll step outside once in the city and for some reason every pigeon within miles is coming to him for affection

He names every single bird he meets and can recognize them at the briefest sight mo matter how similar they all look-Archimedes is his favorite

Has a plush of every single teammate with,,,oddly disturbing stitching and pins stuck into them

Either doesn’t sleep period or sleeps on the infirmary medical tables

Rather than healing or being sewn up-the bullet wounds medic received in the comic are just-straight up 2 holes in his torso

Kept the baby baboon he forced Cheavy to birth and is raising it-It’s name is Tobias and it has a little wooden crib in the infirmary

His room/office is the most unorganized mess youve ever seen and yet he claims to reorganize it every single day because he can’t find the THING and he’s got to rearrange it so he won’t loose the THING again-looses the thing the next day

Sniper

Only sleeps in the base during holidays or events and half the time he ends up sleeping in someone else’s room after an impromptu sleepover-it’s normally Scout or Pyro-God forbid the man sleep in his own bed /j

Has a pinboard on his wall with pictures of the team as well as less wholesome pictures and notes about new mission strategies-it’s a confusing mess and no one else can understand it

His skin is more sickly grey and unhealthy after the events of the comic

Sleeps bare ass naked and spends a good hour just laying in bed debating of if he cares enough to actually get up

The worst fucking hygiene-He fucking stinks and Spy won’t let him in the base without drowning him in cologne first

Collects random trinkets and gives them to people he likes-Your nice to him? Have a random pretty rock he found. He thinks your cute? Here’s a fucking tooth he collected from a guy he killed

Spy

Absolutely disgusted by Scout’s stretchiness

He’s actually married to Scout’s mom (if you ship them) and literally everyone but Scout knows-it’s a genuine surprise Soldier or Pyro hasn’t let it slip to Scout yet

Will lecture people about chores around the base and then proceeds to vanish anytime someone tells him it’s his turn to do the most basic of tasks

Shows his affection and love to the team by flexing on them and buying expensive dinners anytime they all go out-no one appreciates it

Names his cars in French

Dies inside every time he hears Scout proudly announce that his dad is Tom Jones

If you want more of my hcs give me a character or ship or scenario and I will GLADLY go off yelling about them for ages-hell expect a part 2 to this post later either way cuz I guarantee you it’ll happen

[fatgumsurpremacy-remastered]

(5eraphim) ok so- your choice of characters and how many, but who do you think would be the scariest when their jealous?

RATTI! I have actually wondered the exact thing. I’m assuming you meant yanderes so I’m actually really excited for this.

TW: Jealousy, Guns, breif mentions tourture, blackmail.

It’s in alphabetical order, I’ll specify ranks after entry. (MLA has screwed me up.) Sorry if it wasn’t too long, feel free to ask me to expand if you’d like!

Demoman: Tavish only really gets sassy when he’s jealous. He’s more likely to give his S/O the quiet treatment when jealous. If someone were trying to make him jealous however he’d use a well placed mine to get the message across. It’s nothing scary at all unless you don’t like being ignored. 3/10

Engineer: Engie is the guy who seethes in quiet. He doesn’t let a single person know his next move, much less what he’s thinking or feeling. He’s more than willing to put a peaceful resolve on an issue if he can but he doesn’t shake grudges. He gathers information, and could decimate a man’s entire image in one strategic move. It’s safe to say that Engie is rational and won’t jump to conclusions, but it he suspects you to be trying to make him jealous he’s terrifying. 8/10

Heavy: I can’t see Heavy instigating anything, his intimidation comes from his stature and that’s really what he uses. Misha hurts quite a bit when he feels jealous but the most it will translate to is a shove or another. It’s just enough to get his point across, but it’s not violent. At least not infront of his S/O. He might not be so forgiving if they’re not around. 6/10

Medic: Medic doesn’t even realize he’s jealous until his rhythm is thrown off, so it’s a bit of an emotional curveball. Medic will act spontaneously, but when he does it’s a punishment on either end. The one who made him jealous and his S/O. His punishments can be brutal and mentally scarring, those who made him jealous never make it out in one piece. 9/10

Pyro: Pyrovison be damned this man gets livid. Pyros intentions are clear from the moment he feels that pang in his chest. It’s not a sense of entitlement with Pyro. Its the need to protect, his S/O will not be hurt but god save the poor souls who made him feel like this. His approach is anything but friendly and is more akin to a predators stalking. Out of each of the mercs with their emotions Pyro is much more feeling of his and it definitely shows. 10/10

Scout: Scouts a very loud jealous person, and this comes across as looking cocky. He’s violent to the jackass who made him jealous and pouty to his S/O for ever giving that person the time of day. He’s whiny all around and won’t leave that argument without bruises, But each time hes made up his mind to kill the dude who did this. 5/10

Sniper: Chances are that it wasn’t even close to being intentional. If Mick is jealous he hasn’t ran off with you yet. But when he’s jealous mundy is the source of constant anxiety in his victims, making their life hell. That shot sure could have been a bulb going out, but do you think a normal person would take that risk. Mick relies on his position to invoke fear into his targets, but he wouldn’t injure them till he’s made up his mind. 8/10

Soldier: Soldiers jealousy is known to everyone on the base and he will attack out of the blue. He can be standing next to the person that made him jealous and will just pull out a gun to shoot them. His unpredictability has his teammates and those in public with a brain walking on eggshells. His fearsomeness comes from delusional and erratic behavior which makes him 7/10

Spy: While spy has had a lot of practice keeping his emotions inside, he’s also very passionate. Passionate to the point of confrontation and if that doesn’t work he’ll pull you from each and every person you hold dear. Long enough to get his point across, if this doesn’t work he places suspicion upon them for your abscesses. Effectively keeping them far far from you. He’s the second to last to resort to anything physical to prove himself. 5/10

[robin374]

What about Medic, Sniper, Spy, Demo, possibly Engineer with an S/O who has a hard time with gifts. Like, they're hard to get a gift for because they like a few certain things. They appreciate the thought of the gifts but if it doesn't suit their needs, it's most likely going to be forgotten in a closet somewhere.

Mercs with a S/O who has a hard time getting them gifts: 

I wrote all the mercs if you don't mind. (Unedited)

Medic: 

Honestly, if you don’t get him anything related to his job or his doves it will end up in the deepest cabinet of the base. 

You always try to get him something original, but it always ends up being something related to his job. 

Once you gave him a gift and Archimedes flew to your face wanting a gift too. 

“I’m your gift, Medic.”

“Of course, you are.” Let's say that you two had a fun night. 

Scout: 

It's easy to get him a gift. Just some comic book or a new baseball bat could make him happy, and more if it's from you.

However, you're a wonderful person and you want to change the gifts. So, you tried to call his mom to find out what she used to get him.

She was very happy to see that her son's partner cared that much about him. So she told you everything about him, from his childhood to the day they separated ways.

You finally got him some new running shoes, because the others were really old and on the verge of breaking. 

Demoman:

You asked BLU Soldier if he used to get Demo gifts, and if he did what exactly. 

He punched you, not because mentioning his old friend, but because you were on the battlefield and there's no time to talk there, according to him.

You thought about getting him some drinks from your hometown, but the thought of him being drunk because of that didn't convince you.

So, again, you called his mom. She told you to get him a new job. 

Finally, you decided to get him something related to his country's history. A new sword from a Scottish king, or an axe… just don't tell him that you stole them from a museum. 

Sniper: 

This one is really difficult to be honest. He’s quiet when he wants it, but he can be open with the people he feels comfortable with.

 Anything related to his job could make him happy, some new rifle scope or a hat for his walks on ceasefires… If this is before his parents died, you called them looking for advice, his dad told you to get him out there because he didn’t want a crazed gunman as a son. Then, his mother told you some stories about him when he was a kid and told that he used to make bracelets and give them to different animals that showed up around the house. 

So you made two matching bracelets. He almost cried when you gave it to him. 

“Thank you, roo.” He whispered, while putting on the bracelet. You’ve never seen him without it since then. 

Spy:

A fancy man we’ve got here. 

French people are so difficult in general istg. He’s a mysterious man, I would understand that you had a hard time getting him a gift. 

You always try to give him new wine to try out, from your hometown or the best wine that you could afford. 

However, this time you got him a new butterfly knife with your initials written on it. He was surprised that you gave him that knife, hell, he even was surprised that you thought about getting him a gift. He always gave different little gift gifts he forgot he could receive too. 

Just don’t tell him that you had to sell your liver to afford it. Medic will take care of it. 

Heavy:

THIS MAN, we all love him. 

You thought about getting him a new minigun made in Russia. However, when you saw the price you passed out. 

Zhanna told you that you could get him a bear as a pet or something similar. Even if it was a good idea, Heavy would have a bear pet but not a loving partner because you would die while taming the bear. 

So you got him three Russian books. Fyodor Dostoyevsky to be specific, you know that English can be difficult to him and that he is an intelligent man out of the battlefield, so you got him some of Dostoyevky’s books to read. He was very happy and hugged you so tightly that almost broke you back, then he kissed your cheek as an apologizing gesture. 

Soldier:

You didn’t know if you should get him something related to America or something related to rocket launchers. 

You tried to ask Merasmus for advice but he almost sent you to Hell. 

“Cupcake! Why are you covered in ash?”

You decided to give him a medal. He was the love of your life and the best Soldier you’ve ever seen, and he also took care of his racoons pretty well. 

“...and with this medal, I declare you, Soldier, the best partner and father of raccoons the army has ever had.” 

He was so excited to receive such an important medal, after the ‘ceremony’ he kissed you on the lips until you were without breathe. 

Pyro:

Anything you get them will be fabulous and amazing in their world. You’re already an angel in their eyes so even if it was a simple stick they would be very grateful. 

You didn’t know how they would see it in their eyes, maybe that gift told them arson was a bad thing. That would ruin everything. 

You opted for getting them a new plushie, a companion for their Ballooniecorn. 

They started jumping joyfully and clapping while they watched the plushies getting along (they were having a tea party and the tea was blood, but shhh, let them be). They gave you a mask kiss and a hug as a thanks. 

Engineer: 

Yeehaw

You thought about getting him new strings for his guitar, but how is he going to need new strings when he can make them? Well, no strings then. 

You were talking with him once and he spilled out the fact that he missed his life in Bee Cave. That gave you an excellent idea. 

On your next ceasefire day, you decided to take him to his hometown as a gift. He was very grateful and showed you all the places he used to visit when he was a kid and told stories about them. Then, you went to his house there and had a romantic night.

[tf2heritageposts]

the mercs and which pokémon generation would be their favorite:

scout: strikes me as either the douche who actually liked sword and shield or someone who’s new to the series and only has played pokémon go or scarlet and violet

pyro: gen 2, specifically crystal. likes the sprite work the best and tries to shiny hunt for pokémon they think look the coolest or the cutest

soldier: barely understands how video games work, but his favorite is gen 5 because it’s based off america, specifically pokémon white/black 2. he blasts through the story by overlevling his starter and braveriary he named uncle sam in all caps because he didn’t realize there was a lowercase option, then uses shock and awe as he sweeps the place with no regard for super effective moves or strategies. sun tzu would be ashamed

demoman: while there was a dlc for sword and shield for an isle based off scotland, there’s no way in sweet hell he’d actually like those games, let alone ones based in britain. he’d probably like gen 3 or 4, ruby and platinum respectively. he plays competitive very casually, and only really plays the lower tiers because he finds them more fun than the higher tiers. also they have his favorite pokémon in them

engineer: honestly, he’d probably like any of the games, but i think he’d love gen 1 specifically for it’s interesting glitches. god knows he’s the type of guy to look for ways to fuck up a game like pikasprey. he’d probably like yellow the best

heavy: uhhhhh my brain says he’d be a genwunner, but considering he has a lit degree, he’d probably like gen 5 since it has one of the best and most mature stories in the series. would choose black/white 2 but prefer white 2

medic: he’s a genwunner i’m sorry i love him but he only has the gameboy games and nothing else, on original carts too. he doesn’t have a real play style, he mostly just plays the games over and over every time he’s bored. may try speedrunning it sometimes. he has all three but he prefers blue

sniper: probably either gen 3 or gen 7, though he specifically plays the games to collect critters and not really to actually engage with the story or do competitive or whatnot. he has the national dex completed on every save file he does. plays emerald, fire red, and honestly he’d probably play sun or moon

spy: gen 6, it’s based off france come on. he plays competitive and will bully everyone else for their “bad competitive teams” because everyone else tends to just use their favorites. he also plays only OU and UBERS because he’s lame like that. he also has both games because he’s fucking rich and has two ds’ he trades to himself with

bonus:

merasmus: gen 4, but he likes the gen 2 remakes the best. when soldier isn’t pissing him off he does shiny hunts and uses magic to manipulate the odds because he’s an impatient motherfucker. plays heart gold

pauling: probably wouldn’t care about pokémon honestly, but she strikes me as the kind who’d actually like the spin-offs the best, specifically any of the mystery dungeon games, but specifically gen 4

saxton: realistically he’d probably break a game console and call it for kids, but if he did manage to like a game, he’d like the pokken games or scarlet and violet, and doesn’t care which one it is

[crabonfire]

more random tf2 headcannons :) (modern addition!)

Engineer likes Lego’s. He LOVES the fact that there’s a toy out there that empowers kids to create, he loves the Lego typewriter and is obsessed with the Lego creators sets. (Bonsai tree, sky wars mask, etc.) if you ask him about it he’ll be like “I think it’s great kids are learnin’ to build such things.” But he will never admit he actually wants the legos. Give him legos? So happy. In general, he likes puzzles. He loves games that have puzzles like Portal.

Pyro loves video games. Any game he’s up for it. I can see him as a MAJOR Kirby fan. He’d probably play Kirby games all day long if he got the chance to. Sometimes when he notices Engie working a little too much, he will drag him to their room and play Mario kart together. Sometimes he asks others, like scout!

Heavy doesn’t play many video games, but wanna know what he likes? Chess. He loves strategy and often plays with Medic, Spy, and Engineer. Snipers quite good at it, but he likes to watch instead so he can see how much each player struggle against each other. He finds it funny, yet insanely interesting.

Demoman and Soldier shop a lot. for the most random bullshit they can find. On some nights when everyone is asleep, they’ll sneak out to like a target and pick out the most random bullshit they can find. If anyone catches them while they try to sneak out, they ask them to come along. One time Scout and heavy came along and heavy ended up having a migraine over the three men wearing the most ridiculously stupid looking yet expensive clothing anyone has ever bought. He thinks it’s funny but is also questioning the amount of money they’ve spent in one night. He’s never coming with ever again.

Scout is really good at ALL the arcade games. But one thing he’s super good at? Claw machines and fucking DDR. He thinks of it as fun legwork and loves the competitive aspect of it. Trust me when I say he’s full combod all the fucking hard songs. Sometimes he’d just play to let out the stress tho. He’d play songs like Love Is Orange, A, and of course a CLASSIC fucking Butterfly (if u don’t know any of these songs I understand because barely nobody knows these, I just play a shit ton of ddr)

Medic has a twitter account where he just spams about how annoying the other mercs are at the medbay, if they’re treating him badly expect a whole thread on it. It’s private, everyone is on there and miss Pauling likes to reply and absolutely cackles at his tweets.

“These imbeciles get on my fucking nerves sometimes mein gott.” -medic

“I’m guessing you had a rough day?” -missp

“Yes. Scout screams like a final girl from a horror movie and demoman spilled his booze all over my table. If this job doesn’t kill them I will I swear.” -medic

“Wow…uh. I’m so sorry.” -missp

“No need to feel sorry, they might boss me around but I still have the pregnancy pen. If anyone gets out of line I’ll make them go through the worst pain of all, motherhood.” -medic

“OH.” -missp

“wtf” -scout

Spy is one of those competitive sports fans, but not in terms of sport, in terms of music. I can see him talking about his favorite jazz artist then go crazy that a pop artist who’s “nothing like *insert his fav artist*” is at the top of the billboard charts.

“HE IS MUCH MORE TALENTED THAN ANY OF THESE IDIOTIC POPSTARS. HOW THEY MAKE THESE VILE SONGS…ITS NOT ART! Nothing will compare to him, his music is like heaven to one’s ear…*rambles*”

Sniper goes to pet adoption centers to play around with the pets. He has this dog he plays with a lot, her name is Molly and he adores her.

“Your a cheeky girl aren’t cha? Your so cute…yes you are, yes you are.” He says as he’s petting Molly in his arms.

Nobody knows this except Pauling, who caught him while she was in the area. He walked in with a frown but walked out with the happiest grin shes ever seen on any man.

[robots-on-film]

A List of really good and short TF2 Fics that you should read!

hi hello! good evening everyone!, i want to share with you exactly what it says on the title!, personally all of the fics below deserve more love and today i am going to share them with you!

Note: when i mean short i either mean 1 chapter to 10 chapters long.

green: silly or light hearted stuff

red: contains either non-comedic violence or is straight up, sad

read the tags and warnings inside of the links!

Headshot

Description:

One miscalculated jump, one bullet to the knee, and one headshot.

Note: i am such a sucker for first person fics, and this one is well written and charming in my opinion! <3

Challenge

Description:

Soldier has a challenge and Scouts never one to turn down a challenge.

The Invisible Man

Description:

Everyone knows you shouldn't stand underneath tall trees during a lightning storm. Spy learns the hard way that you shouldn't stay cloaked either.

Note: i am a sucker for Spy and the image of him invisble underneath his balaclava and suit in fanart, and while this isnt quite the same it really scratches the same itch in my brain!

Pressure

Description:

Have you ever looked at the tunnels of Dustbowl and thought to yourself "Damn, those look one second away from a complete structural collapse"?

Note: I AM UNWELL ABOUT THIS FIC, it was one of the first tf2 fics i have ever read and it has been stuck in my head as my favorite interpretation of Soldier and Scout and their relationship in a serious story.

Drunken Sailors

Description:

Scout goes to the bathroom for literally five minutes and needs help getting his drunk teammates back to the base. Help often comes in surprise packages.

Note: another fic i read really early on!, its really funny and silly fic with actually good writing!. it also implanted the Scout and Medic friendship sleeper agent in me that would be awakened when i watched Emesis Blue

Hello

Description:

The BLU Scout just wants some advice on how to catch her man. She gets it, all right, but not without a few unwanted trips down memory lane.

Rained the Whole Time

Description:

The Scout thought the Engineer needed help moving some boxes, and then he'd have a favor in the bag. He was wrong. Or, how the Scout becomes a half-unwilling participant in the Sawmill Base Spring Reading Program.

Note: one of the first TF2 Fics i ever read! this one was recommended to me by a dear friend of mine, influenced my personal characterization of Scout and made me see the potential in the Scout and Engineer Son and surrogate Father dynamic

The Gospel According to Doris Day

Description:

The Sniper has locked himself away, and the Scout is determined to find out why.

Note: THE first tf2 fanfic i ever read that still haunts me to this damn day. i LOVE when fics take into account the time period TF2 takes place in and how that affects the characters, it makes me deranged!!!, this fic needs more attention

Hats Off!

Description:

Bravery is donning your trusty war helmet and fighting wars both real and imaginary with it. But taking it off? Now THAT takes courage.

I Knew I Was Wrong A While Ago. I’m Just Arguing To Spite You Now.

Description:

Scout can’t stand when it rains this hard. Boredom suffocates him, causing his life decisions to be a bit more stupid than usual.

Scout, Respond

Description:

Scout wakes up in a dark, unknown place, with rocks bearing down on him and a spotty recollection as to how he ended up there in the first place. The only thing that keeps him sane is the voice of his team in his ear, telling him to talk, to breath, and, more than anything, to stay awake.

Artist Interpretation

Description:

It's not that Scout doesn't want the other guys to know he draws. He just never bothered telling them about it, is all. So what if he sits with a sketchbook during every team meeting. So what if he watches his teammates as they go about their days, drawing them. So what if drawing them makes him feel closer to the 8 other people at the base. Scout just likes drawing.

Today Ain't Your Day, Pancakes

Description:

God's gift to humanity gets a tough break. Medic just wishes these mercs would be more honest with him.

Note: man i love this fic, while it is a sickfic/whump its still kind of, funny to me in a positive way!, idk how to describe it you should check it out

Starchild

Description:

An abstract fic taking place in between the “Blood in the Water” and “Old Wounds” comics. Sniper, gunned down and spiraling into a limbo of memories real and false, struggles to put together the pieces of truth about his parents and about himself. Because family is not the blood that runs through your veins, but the bonds that have lasted through your past and present—and across life and death.

Note: now THIS is something special!, as it is obvious i am down bad for charming formatting and this has it, as well this has such captivating prose, it just makes me go grah!!! strange noises.mp3

NEW DIRECTIVE

Description:

KEY PHRASE DETECTED: “DELL CONAGHER”. DIRECTIVE OVERWRITTEN. NEW DIRECTIVE: KILL DELL CONAGHER. ERROR. SYRINGE GUN NOT FOUND. DIRECTIVE MANUALLY OVERWRITTEN. NEW DIRECTIVE: THIS IS FRUSTRATING… DIRECTIVE MANUALLY OVERWRITTEN. NEW DIRECTIVE: STOP TELLING ME TO KILL HIM. DIRECTIVE MANUALLY OVERWRITTEN. NEW DIRECTIVE: DO NOT KILL DELL CONAGHER.

Pepper Sauce

Description:

"How—how long do rattlesnakes take to kill a guy?" I asked eventually, casual, like I didn't have no stake in the answer.

Footprints

Description:

“Keep your hands off her,” the threat was reassuringly clear in Heavy’s voice. He lowered Sasha onto the floor with great care and shot Scout an accusatory glance, somewhat skewed as he now had to squint to force the room into focus.

Notes: frankly, it took so much strength not to put all of Rayclubs writing on this list, its ABSURD how high quality their stories are.

Something New

Description:

It's been years since the gravel wars and robot wars, but now Scout has to take on the hardest job of his life: being a father.

Note: I KNOW THE TAGS MIGHT SEEM TOO MUCH BUT I ASSURE YOU THIS FIC IS THE BOMB DOT COM. if you are like me of course, idk what to say man! i love thinking about the mercs living good lives after the gravel war! and this story delivers and it does well!! its just so sweet, and funny and just, warm!

Don't Fear The Reaper

Description:

One by one, Scout watches them all die.

Note: ONLY READ THIS FIC IF YOU WANT TO BREAK YOUR HEART. THIS IS A WARNING

TREESITTER

Description:

Jeremy finds a boy who lives in a tree.

Note: And to end with my favorite au fic of all time!!! ITS CRIMINAL HOW THIS FIC HAS ONLY 52 KUDOS, I dont even know where to start man! i love to think about Scout's childhood, i love Scouts home and his family and i love Scout and Sniper friendship!! and this fic has it aaaall!!!! this is THE fic you, the reader, should check out!

[amirsirwrites]

Hey-hey! I got a request!! (Hope you’re feeling well!)

So.. Spy x Male!Reader oneshot, where the reader bottles up his emotions and hides his negative feelings. Then one day he breaks and starts crying in front of Spy..

Hey-hey, anon! I'm feeling well, thank you. I've finally finished your request, sorry for the long wait. I hope you enjoy it. :)

Spy comforts you ❤️

Requested

Spy x M!reader

------

Death and killing comes with the job of being a mercenary. Most mercs are completely fine with it. In fact, most enjoy it and make a game out of it. 

However, there are exceptions to everything and in this case, you are the exception. 

Seeing people get shot and torn apart almost every single day of your life has been taking a toll on you. 

During some of the battles, you'll freeze and stare at the dead bodies on the ground as your breathing gets heavy and uneven. You know that they'll be fine and wake up in their Respawn point a few minutes later but still.. It doesn't take the pain of seeing them die in front of your eyes away. 

One of the other mercs, more specifically your darling, Spy, often notices you doing this. He’s asked you on all occasions if everything is alright. You always wave him off and say you’re fine but until now, he’s not convinced. 

Worrying that he might make you uncomfortable, Spy doesn’t try to push any further after that question. However, he’s also noticed that it’s getting worse every single day to the point that it affects you even outside the battlefield, and because of this, he feels that he’ll need to confront you about this issue very soon.

~~~~~~

It’s another day at Gorge. BLU took a huge beating and you won with ease. You were put off the entire time as usual. Everyone was doing their own thing while Heavy and Medic packed all their equipment into the van. 

Scout and Soldier were chasing each other.

“Get back here, maggot! I’ll make you regret the day you were born!” Soldier screamed at the top of his lungs, waving his shovel around like a madman. Scout just laughed and pulled a face, pissing him off even more. 

Nearby, Demoman, Sniper and Engineer were having a friendly chat together over a couple of beers that Demo had brought along (despite Medic very clearly telling him to try and lay off the alcohol). Pyro was there as well but they were focused on playing with their favourite brand of matchsticks. 

Somewhere closeby, you were seated on the ground, knees to your chest, deep in thought. Your eyes were fixated on the blood-stained grass in front of you. It quickly made you feel sick, reminding you of the unpleasant battle earlier. You closed your eyes, trying to think of something more pleasant. 

Just then, Spy sat down beside you, wrapping an arm around your shoulder and giving you a kiss on your temple. 

“Salut, mon beau. You seem bothered. What’s wrong?” he asked you in a gentle tone. 

You looked to him, meeting his eyes. 

You really wanted to tell him what was going on but you felt so ashamed. Everyone else was fine with all the killings, why weren’t you? You don’t want to appear silly to Spy or the others so you always bottle up your negative feelings and just do your job. 

You thought that you’d get used to it eventually but you were dead wrong. It’s been eating away at you. Most nights, you struggle to fall asleep and even stay asleep due to recurring nightmares. The lack of proper sleep has given you bags under your eyes and constant headaches throughout the day. 

During mealtimes, you picked at your food and ate very little, having lost your appetite to the disturbing images that are stuck in your mind - bloody, beaten bodies with lifeless eyes. It made you feel like throwing up your guts. 

“I..” you bit your lip, turning away from Spy’s gaze, “It’s nothing, darling.”

You felt his hand on your shoulder tighten a little. 

He gently guided your face back to look at him with a hand, “You always say that. I don’t believe you, mon cœur. Please.. tell me the truth. I’m not going to judge you, I swear on my heart.”

He smiled at you encouragingly. You felt so vulnerable beneath his gaze. 

Before you had a chance to speak, Medic called out, “Time to go home, everyone. Get in the van!”

The other mercs started to head to the van from their respective places and you quickly took that chance to escape the conversation you were having with Spy, getting up and following them. 

Spy sighed as he watched you scurry away. He would have to ask you another time. 

The drive back was uncomfortable for you and Spy. The air between you two was tense. The other mercs didn’t seem to notice, chatting away as usual.

You tried to run off to your room as soon as you arrived back at base but Spy pulled you to the side. 

“Y/n, please. Just tell me what’s going on. I’m really worried about you.”

You shook your head, “I- I really need to go.” 

Then you made your escape to the safety of your room. 

~~~~~~

You decided to just skip dinner later on, partly because you couldn’t work up any appetite as usual and partly because you didn’t want to see Spy right now. Perhaps you’ll eventually tell him the truth of what’s going on with you, but for now, you just wanted to be alone. 

Wrapping yourself in the warm covers of your bed, you closed your eyes and drifted into an uneasy sleep. 

…

You awoke with a start around a few hours later after a particularly bad nightmare. It was one of the terrible ones - back in the battle field, surrounded by dead bodies while you drown in your own guilt and remorse. 

Clutching your shirt, you desperately tried to control your frantic breathing. Your chest and throat felt painfully tight as tears slowly ran down your face. Your hand went to the bedside table to grab your phone. 

You brought it to your face, ‘2:48 a.m.’

You dropped your phone down beside you and rubbed your face, staying like that for a few minutes. The terrible sinking feeling in your chest wouldn’t fade away though. 

Your mind drifted to the only person you knew could make you feel better - Spy. Knowing that he was most likely going to press you to tell him the truth, you hesitated going to his smoking room where you know he’ll be. 

That didn’t matter anymore though. You just wanted to be in the comfort of your boyfriend’s arms. 

Making sure to be quiet, you made your way to Spy’s smoking room. All the other mercs are asleep by this time, it’s usually just Spy who’s burning the midnight oil, reading and sipping on a glass of his favourite wine. 

When you reached his door, you slowly brought your hand up and knocked. 

Inside, Spy paused his reading and looked up towards the door. No one has ever come to his room this late and so he thought he might have imagined it for a second but he decided to call out just in case, “Who is it?”

You replied back, your voice hoarse from earlier, “Hey, it’s me..”

Spy already knew about your bad sleeping schedule so he was extra worried to find that you’re awake at this hour. He got up from his seat and rushed to the door to greet you. He pulled you into his arms the second he saw you. 

Withdrawing a bit, he cupped your face in your hands and kissed your forehead.

“Did something happen, Y/n?”

You let out a small laugh of self-pity, “Just.. a nightmare.”

Without a word, he stepped out of his room fully and closed the door behind him. He took your hand into his and led you down the hallway to his bedroom. Inside, he took off his coat and shoes and laid down on his bed, signalling for you to come over and lie beside him by patting the empty spot beside him. 

You climbed into it and sank into Spy’s open arms, sighing deeply when you felt his arms wrap around you tightly. 

You two shifted into a comfortable position - both lying on your sides, facing each other with you buried in his embrace, snuggling your face into the crook of his neck. 

He stroked your back comfortingly, allowing you to fully relax before he asked what was on his mind. 

“So, Y/n,” he paused, making sure he had your attention, “It’s time to tell the truth.”

You winced at his sentence, knowing that he was right. It’s time you told someone what was going on instead of suffering in silence. 

Whispering softly, you asked him, “Promise you won’t judge?”

Spy pressed a light kiss to your lips, “You know I won’t.”

A few more minutes of warm silence passed as you silently built up the courage to finally talk to Spy. 

“I.. I really don’t want to kill people anymore, Spy. I know I said that I was completely fine with all the bloodshed and everything during my very first mission but I-”

You had to stop to let yourself breathe. Tears started running down your face once more, accompanied by sharp and painful breaths. Spy guided your head against his chest, letting your tears soak his shirt, still holding you close.

He finished your sentence from earlier, “But you lied, didn’t you?”

You spoke again, your voice rushed and raw with emotion, “I- I can’t stand it anymore! I hate it, I hate having to kill people! I go to sleep and all I can see is their lifeless eyes and blood, I’m sick of it!”

Your chest burned with shame, terrified of what Spy was going to say to you. You thought he might think you’re being ridiculous or stupid. 

But no.

He just continued to hold you, rubbing your back soothingly and whispering sweet nothings into your ears. All the emotions you had bottled up over the past few months were flowing out now through pained sobs.

Once you had calmed down a bit, Spy spoke in a soft tone, “Don’t worry. You won’t have to anymore, okay? I’ll have a talk with Ms Pauling and the Administrator and we’ll find another way for you to help.”

You sighed in relief at his words.

You wanted to thank Spy, apologise to him for not telling him earlier, tell him you love him, but he shushed you, “Just rest, mon chéri. You can speak to me tomorrow when you have regained your energy. Je t'aime.”

Spy gave you a kiss on the head and with that, you drifted off to the most pleasant sleep you’ve had in a while, glad that everything would finally be okay.

------

'Salut, mon beau' - Hello, my handsome. (French)

'Mon cœur' - My heart (French)

'Mon chéri' - My darling (French)

'Je t'aime' - I love you (French)

[violent-optimism]

My favourite domination quotes from every TF2 Merc

Holy cow this took a while but was so fun to put together.

Because let’s be honest…the domination voice lines are one of the best things about playing TF2. You can’t tell me it’s not satisfying (or hilarious) when you hear one of these!

Scout:

To Soldier: “What’s your major malfunction, brother?”

(This is a reference to the movie Full Metal Jacket with a character that Soldier is definitely based off of)

To Medic: “Real nice effort, Deutsch-bag!”

To Pyro: “Dude, you’d get a closed casket at the ugly cemetery”

To Sniper: “You’ll never hit me! You’ll never hit my tiny head! It’s so tiny, I got a frickin’…such a tiny little head!

(If I ever hear this as Sniper I might just throw my mouse out the window lol)

To Spy: “Hehe, hey look! You shapeshifted into a dead guy!”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Soldier:

 “If God had wanted you to live, he would not have created ME!”

To Demoman: “Scotland is not a real country! You are an Englishman in a dress!”

To Pyro: “You cannot burn me, I do not have time to combust!”

To Engineer: “Go back to Calgary, you cow-herdin’ Canadian!”

(As a Canadian, this one just tickles me. Why does he think Engie is from Alberta? I’m honestly shocked that Soldier knows the name of a single Canadian city lol).

To Medic: “Ich Bin I just kicked your ass!”

(“Ich Bin” means “I am” in German, which means Soldier said “I am I just kicked your ass” LOL)

To Sniper: “You just got dominated, Bilbo Baggins!”

(I have NO clue why he says this but as a LOTR fan I fucking love it. If anyone can explain the connection that would be cool.)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gonna skip Pyro for obvious reasons, sorry Pyro! :(

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Demoman:

To Pyro: Go to hell! And tell the devil I’m coming for him next!”

(Damn that goes hard)

To Medic: “How’s that ‘doing no harm’ working out for you, then?”

To Sniper: “I hate you campers! Everyone bloody hates you!”

(Jesus Demo, what did he do to you? lol)

“They’re going to bury what’s left of you in a soup can!”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Heavy:

(No character specific lines but I still enjoy them)

“You are dead. Not big surprise.”

“Killing you is full time job now.”

“Entire team is babies!”

“I think you should fight someone much, much smaller!”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Engineer:

To Scout: “Boy, this here is just gonna keep happening and happening.”

To Soldier: “That there is just a sad display, boy.”

To Demoman: “Drunk on the battlefield ain’t no way to be, son.”

(I love how he calls everyone “boy” or “son” lol)

To another Engineer: “I’m wolverine-mean you son of a bitch.”

To Medic: “You must be a doctor, ‘cause you just saw the extent of my patience!”

(My personal fav)

To Sniper: “Down under? More like six feet down under.”

To Spy: “If ya’ll had more gadgets for killin’, you wouldn’t need so many for hidin’.”

(We love a sassy short king)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Medic:

(Also doesn’t have any character specific lines, but there are some gems)

“Would you like a second opinion? You are also ugly!”

“I do not think we brought enough body bags!”

“Aww, did the Fraulein’s have their Mittelschmerz?”

(Translation: “Did the ladies get their period cramps?” Damn Medic that is…something lol)

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Sniper:

(Maybe I’m biased but I swear he has the best lines in the game.)

“If your strategy is to build me confidence, it’s working.”  

To Soldier: “Oi, lend us your shovel so I can dig your grave!”

(Jesus Christ lol)

To Demoman: “Ace reflexes, you bomb-chuckin’ waste of good scotch!”

To Engineer: You are inventing loads of new ways to get killed by me!” (The freaking sass when he says this, it’s unparalleled)

To Medic: “Sorry, there nurse, I mistook you for an actual threat!”

(OUCH)

To another Sniper: “You’re making this so easy. I’m actually getting worse.”

To Spy: “Aww, did I get blood on your suit?”

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Spy:

“I never really was on your side.”

To Scout: “Here lies Scout, he ran fast and died a virgin.”

(Stop, stop, he’s already dead!)

To Demoman: “Here’s what I have that you don’t: a functioning liver, depth perception and a pulse!”

To Heavy: “You died as you lived…morbidly obese!” (Spy really doesn’t pull any punches lol)

To Engineer: “Did I throw a wrench into your plans?” *laughs*

To Medic: “Aww, you almost healed me to death that time!”

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Gosh this took me way longer to write than I would’ve expected so I hope somebody reads it lol

Comment below with your favourite TF2 line (or put it in the tags). I have to know!