#I’m so tired of hiding this

[lovingempress]

I am 25 and I’ve finally decided to forgive myself for becoming a NEET when I was a teenager. I’ve come to a few realizations (or well, remembered them)

Backstory- When I was 13, my sperm donor pulled me from public schooling. I had missed so much school that we had to go to family court. Mind, this was in our hometown, and my father was a lawyer who specialized in family court, so you could imagine how that went. He spun a pretty tale, and I kept my mouth shut even as he lied straight to the judge’s face. Even as he blamed it all on me. Typical day of my life, really.

From that point on, I was “homeschooled”, except… not really. That’s just what I told people, because I was scared and ashamed (because it was obviously my own fault for not having an education). That was our “secret,” and I had better keep it unless I wanted to be responsible for getting CPS on our asses.

Because, it’s obviously the teenager’s fault that she didn’t sign herself up for school. (Except she tried- I tried. My father refused. I found programs, I begged him to sign me up for something, anything. Distance classes, online schooling, homeschooling- hell, even tutoring! He refused. It was “my job” to do it. He said he would “sign the papers” if I handed them to him, but how was I supposed to navigate the ever tangled web of lies he already spun without getting myself and my brothers in trouble? Who was I to ask without causing CPS to appear?) In hindsight, by the time I had actually found the programs (15 yr) and he told me to just get my GED instead- the reason he refused was because it was too close to home and too easy for the lie to be exposed. If he had signed me up, they would have easily seen that he never actually had me homeschooled, and he would have gotten in trouble with the law.

My reputation at home and within my family was ruined, you know. I lost contact with all of my friends. All I did was sleep, panic at my failing life, and read. What did everyone around me see when they saw me? She was obviously desperate to stay away from socializing with her friends and getting an education. She’s a dirty layabout. She’s just ditching school because she doesn’t want to go. It’s not like she missed school because she was in so much pain that she physically couldn’t get out of bed (except she was). It’s not like she was sent to specialists and bounced from doctor to doctor before finally being told that she was just going to have to grow out of it and just deal with the pain (sincerely fuck you for telling a kid that debilitating pain was normal “because you’re a girl” and to just push through it). She’s fine. She’s not mentally disabled like the rest of her family, so she doesn’t need any help. She’s fine. She’s normal. (He sexually harassed my therapist into discontinuing our care just when I thought things were gonna get better) She’s a smart independent woman (She’s barely a teenager). She’s so pretty she could be a model! (The only thing she has of worth is her looks) She’s just being lazy, a typical uncooperative teenage girl. (She’s depressed and in agony). Everyone’s trying their best and she refused, this was the best we could do, honest! She’s fine. She’s fine. She’s just being dramatic! She’s not fine.

The judgment I faced from so many family members... “When are you going back to school?” They would ask me again and again. And, I would have to keep the lie and say I was being homeschooled, but they knew I wasn’t. They just accepted it and kept pushing me to go back to school. Me, like I was the problem here. I bit my tongue and lied, lied, lied. I let them believe that I refused to go to school. I made excuses, every time, because if I didn’t then it would be my fault for breaking up the family, for ruining my brothers’ life. Did I want them to get sexually abused?! If I made a fuss then we would lose our home and our food and starve to death (like he didn’t regularly withhold food anyways). I didn’t want to cause drama, so I kept my mouth shut and didn’t say anything; I took the blame, I placated, and I lied. And, it hurts so much. I ruined my reputation, and for what?

By the time I finally went to high school, I was 17. I had to sign myself up for a school over half an hour away before I was able to finally go to school, and the “plan” was for me to pass the placement tests and get my GED. My entire teenage years I was self-learning off of Khan Academy, all on my own. I had no structure, no homework beyond what I tried to assign myself. No lesson plan besides the ones I tried to make for myself. I tried off and on to keep up with my education, and somehow, it didn’t feel new. After all, when did my parents ever help me with homework? I’ve always been “independent,” a “strong self-directed learner.”

I failed the placement tests they gave me, you know. Do you know how embarrassing it is, to have the person who set you up to fail talk you up to your prospective teachers in a specialized school? I was an adult learner in high school, and I graduated the same year as my younger brother. Of course, he skipped over half his entire senior year because he was “bored” and “didn’t want to go”, but he’s autistic so it was “okay.” (It’s not like I wouldn’t have killed for the support and help he got, how unbothered he got to be around family as they congratulated him).

But you know what.

I graduated with a 4.0 in high school. Sure I graduated late, but I graduated, even when everyone else wrote me off. With honors even. Except for that one specialized math class, I got As in all my college courses; I’ve been in honor society my entire adult schooling. I passed my TEAS with an above average grade. I’m in nursing school now, in a program so small there are people who’ve tried for literal years to get into.

So, sincerely, FUCK YOU DAD YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT. I’m done being your scapegoat for shit I didn’t do

[giulzart]

Violet in the future on Orion’s route:

[pinkspiraling]

new depressive episode just dropped

[sentientsky]

“Day after tomorrow,” Phoebe Bridgers

save me phoebe bridgers save me

[shelly-vision]

what if welcome home is like a story about the queer erasure of the time and the show was canned because most of if not all the characters were queer and the current state is like the results of their world being taken from them

[thewolveswolf]

here’s a quick recap of the last few days, bc idk whether to laugh or cry

cw & tw for mentions of narcissistic abuse, domestic abuse & mental health

took my cat to the vet bc her anxiety & overgrooming is still out of control

got home from the vet and she suddenly won’t put weight on her front right leg

take cat back to the vet, no obvious injury but painkillers are prescribed

4 days later mikasa has not improved, most likely a third vet trip tomorrow (also meaning i will have spent over $400 in less than a week on vet appts. worth it 1000% obviously. still a massive financial ouch tho)

while all that is happening, i find out the parent i have no contact with has:

started badmouthing me & my mum to parents of my high school friends (???? narcissists truly know no boundaries sksks)

HANDWRITTEN a letter to my nana (in ENGLAND!!! we live in AUSTRALIA!!!) stating he finds it “very odd” my mum no longer has any contact with him and he “doesn’t understand why” (uhhh maybe cos u threatened to kill her when she left u bro? and also every bit of abuse u levelled at us for the 30+ years before that? just a thought homeslice)

allegedly removed me from his will (inheriting some of ur genetics is enough for me dude, no sweat no sweat)

at the SAME TIME (bc god knows the universe has zero chill) my mother announces her boyf of 6 months is moving in (tbf he is lovely but jfc can everyone just slow down???)

both my siblings mental health are (understandably) collapsing

my anhedonia is now so bad i need to either increase my meds or come off them. pray 4 me either way

i ordered pizza last night and it was TERRIBLE. i’ve never had terrible pizza before, didn’t even know it was possible. fuck u dominos

this is five days worth of happenings. FIVE. DAYS.

anyway if anyone needs me, please look for the person-shaped lump hiding under some sort of blanket

[mooseonahunt]

Hide - RKS

Hide your love, don’t let it slip away

[jewishbarbies]

Tumblr:

literally everyone:

[snazum]

Little ster edit I made… Cause there needs to be more in the world :>

special thanks to like the 5-10 people on this website who upload ster clips. This is dedicated to y’all <3

Audio: noir.audioss on tiktok

Song: Like Me - Chase Icon

[sourstiless]

like i genuinely think the world will heal when people stop pretending that not shipping zutara is about morality

[motherfuckingbrad]

never understood why people think the 4th season of community is the worst when geography of global conflict is literally in season 3

[kaeyaphile]

operation do not cry at my irl bestie’s wedding: FAILED

[greetings-inferiors]

So I’m doing my playthrough of persona 5 royal, because I hadn’t done the royal content, and it was coming to midnight as I shot yaldabaoth in the face, I was like “cool I can start the third semester when I wake up tomorrow…” and then akechi showed up and it was genuinely the most intensely hype stretch of events, I was losing my mind, next thing I know it’s 3AM. I can tell this is going to be very good.

[snnnailmail]

Missing my fish so bad idc abt the degree anymore I want to go home

[skyward-floored]

I went into hyrule warriors knowing I wouldn’t be able to get everything because you can’t get the wiiu dlc anymore but the sheer amount of stuff you can’t do because of it is making me more and more mad

[code31-onthedancefloor]

Surely, with their stage-3 psychic Inframaterialist connection, Steban should be able to feel secondhand the red-hot flashes of murderous rage that ulixes experience, right? Passing by something whether physically or in conversation and all of a sudden all steban can feel from where ulixes is sitting is an infernal ocean threatening to drown both ulixes and whatever provoked him. Steban recognises that these moments happen from his helplessness; his stunted emotional capabilities; the way a certain phrase or household object will set him wide-eyed for an aggressor who he no longer shares a house with.