subvida

[lovingempress]

I am 25 and I’ve finally decided to forgive myself for becoming a NEET when I was a teenager. I’ve come to a few realizations (or well, remembered them)

Backstory- When I was 13, my sperm donor pulled me from public schooling. I had missed so much school that we had to go to family court. Mind, this was in our hometown, and my father was a lawyer who specialized in family court, so you could imagine how that went. He spun a pretty tale, and I kept my mouth shut even as he lied straight to the judge’s face. Even as he blamed it all on me. Typical day of my life, really.

From that point on, I was “homeschooled”, except… not really. That’s just what I told people, because I was scared and ashamed (because it was obviously my own fault for not having an education). That was our “secret,” and I had better keep it unless I wanted to be responsible for getting CPS on our asses.

Because, it’s obviously the teenager’s fault that she didn’t sign herself up for school. (Except she tried- I tried. My father refused. I found programs, I begged him to sign me up for something, anything. Distance classes, online schooling, homeschooling- hell, even tutoring! He refused. It was “my job” to do it. He said he would “sign the papers” if I handed them to him, but how was I supposed to navigate the ever tangled web of lies he already spun without getting myself and my brothers in trouble? Who was I to ask without causing CPS to appear?) In hindsight, by the time I had actually found the programs (15 yr) and he told me to just get my GED instead- the reason he refused was because it was too close to home and too easy for the lie to be exposed. If he had signed me up, they would have easily seen that he never actually had me homeschooled, and he would have gotten in trouble with the law.

My reputation at home and within my family was ruined, you know. I lost contact with all of my friends. All I did was sleep, panic at my failing life, and read. What did everyone around me see when they saw me? She was obviously desperate to stay away from socializing with her friends and getting an education. She’s a dirty layabout. She’s just ditching school because she doesn’t want to go. It’s not like she missed school because she was in so much pain that she physically couldn’t get out of bed (except she was). It’s not like she was sent to specialists and bounced from doctor to doctor before finally being told that she was just going to have to grow out of it and just deal with the pain (sincerely fuck you for telling a kid that debilitating pain was normal “because you’re a girl” and to just push through it). She’s fine. She’s not mentally disabled like the rest of her family, so she doesn’t need any help. She’s fine. She’s normal. (He sexually harassed my therapist into discontinuing our care just when I thought things were gonna get better) She’s a smart independent woman (She’s barely a teenager). She’s so pretty she could be a model! (The only thing she has of worth is her looks) She’s just being lazy, a typical uncooperative teenage girl. (She’s depressed and in agony). Everyone’s trying their best and she refused, this was the best we could do, honest! She’s fine. She’s fine. She’s just being dramatic! She’s not fine.

The judgment I faced from so many family members... “When are you going back to school?” They would ask me again and again. And, I would have to keep the lie and say I was being homeschooled, but they knew I wasn’t. They just accepted it and kept pushing me to go back to school. Me, like I was the problem here. I bit my tongue and lied, lied, lied. I let them believe that I refused to go to school. I made excuses, every time, because if I didn’t then it would be my fault for breaking up the family, for ruining my brothers’ life. Did I want them to get sexually abused?! If I made a fuss then we would lose our home and our food and starve to death (like he didn’t regularly withhold food anyways). I didn’t want to cause drama, so I kept my mouth shut and didn’t say anything; I took the blame, I placated, and I lied. And, it hurts so much. I ruined my reputation, and for what?

By the time I finally went to high school, I was 17. I had to sign myself up for a school over half an hour away before I was able to finally go to school, and the “plan” was for me to pass the placement tests and get my GED. My entire teenage years I was self-learning off of Khan Academy, all on my own. I had no structure, no homework beyond what I tried to assign myself. No lesson plan besides the ones I tried to make for myself. I tried off and on to keep up with my education, and somehow, it didn’t feel new. After all, when did my parents ever help me with homework? I’ve always been “independent,” a “strong self-directed learner.”

I failed the placement tests they gave me, you know. Do you know how embarrassing it is, to have the person who set you up to fail talk you up to your prospective teachers in a specialized school? I was an adult learner in high school, and I graduated the same year as my younger brother. Of course, he skipped over half his entire senior year because he was “bored” and “didn’t want to go”, but he’s autistic so it was “okay.” (It’s not like I wouldn’t have killed for the support and help he got, how unbothered he got to be around family as they congratulated him).

But you know what.

I graduated with a 4.0 in high school. Sure I graduated late, but I graduated, even when everyone else wrote me off. With honors even. Except for that one specialized math class, I got As in all my college courses; I’ve been in honor society my entire adult schooling. I passed my TEAS with an above average grade. I’m in nursing school now, in a program so small there are people who’ve tried for literal years to get into.

So, sincerely, FUCK YOU DAD YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT. I’m done being your scapegoat for shit I didn’t do

[neveroceanblvd]

he might be the love of my life

[hamoodmood]

[medleyofanangel]

[bambi2008]

this performance is all i think about

[heroin-angels-blog]

Girls want someone to be gentle with them and treat them with love and care but want the roughest sex in the world with them, (i am girls).

[nymph3ttie]

I want to be loved by an older man, not lusted over.

[goryhorroor]

“there are several reasons why the horror genre declined – in both quality and popularity – at the tail end of the 1930s & into the 40s. firstly, the narrative conventions became so well established that they appeared formulaic and predictable, especially when the same-old same-old monsters were put into rotation time and time again. then, political strife curtailed a lot of european filmmaking. thirdly, movies with supernatural, violent, science fiction or fantasy elements became a target for literal-minded censors, who were concerned that the masses might believe or, still worse, imitate the horrors they witnessed on the silver screen.”

[manny-jacinto]

EDWARD CULLEN + red flags 🚩

[honeysucklelips]

i need weed

[dolliexii]

[amber-laughs]

men: i never cheated on you please believe me!

ned stark: i cheated on you please believe that! i cheated on you so hard look here’s proof of my adultery doesn’t he look just like me? that’s definitely my love child tell everyone you know

[sleepymccoy]

The bloke who plays Hob in Sandman was in Vera or Midsomer Murders the other night and I choose to believe that that's just Hob babey. Got himself a nice brewery. Got himself brutally murdered. Had to play dead cos living past multiple stab wounds is sus. Change name, carry on

[heroin-angels-blog]

Me and him (it's good imagining sometimes)

[nashvillethotchicken]

I stand with Louis no matter what. If either lestat or armand did that shit to me and people talked about me the way they talk about louis on here and on twitter you're gonna see me in history books

[sadclowncentral]

where is that post that is like at a certain level of serving cunt misgendering becomes funny because i had to attend a funeral in my conservative hometown and the urge not to wink and do finger guns at every old person who looked at my mother puzzled as she answered the question "and who is this young man?" with "that's my daughter" through clenched teeth was immeasurably hard to supress