#I’ve got another ask after this but I won’t get to it right away cuz I gotta go eat

[ohmigoshiloveu]

Viv and Vex with a kittay perhaps (drawing prompts thing)

Void’s okay, Arthur kills them 👍 Realistically speaking the twins should never be left alone with a cat

[jazzthatonewriterchick]

Most Wanted (Mafia Boss!Toji x Spy!Self-Insert!Reader 18+ One Shot) [COMMISSION FILL]

"I’m gonna make sure you remember tonight and what happens when you fuck with a guy like me."

*IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: THIS WORK CONTAINS R*PE & NONCON SEXUAL ACTS. PLEASE MIND THE TAGS AND READ LIGHTLY.

Pairing: Toji Fushigiro x Self-Insert!Reader (Enemies to Lovers)

Synopsis: You’re a highly skilled hitwoman. You’ve been doing this for years–getting paid to take hits on the wealthy and corrupt at your agency’s order. You figure taking a hit on the renowned Tokyo mafia boss Toji Fushigiro won’t be any different. However, things take a terrifying turn for you, and your skills are put to the test when you go undercover as a dancer at his favorite club and give him a private dance. But instead of killing you, Toji takes it upon himself to punish you and show you what happens when you fuck with him.

Warnings: Smutty Smut, 18+; Porn with Plot; Physical Fighting; Gun Play; Knife Play; Noncon/R*pe; Forced Deepthroat; Mutual Oral; Forced Orgasm; Lap Dancing/Pole Dancing; Doggystyle; Spit Play; Degradation + Praise; Rough Sex; Choking; Hair Pulling; Unprotected PIV Sex; Creampie; Some Aftercare

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters mentioned in this fic. However, as this is my writing, I do not give permission for my work to be reposted on any other sites that are not from my own accounts. Thank you!

Writer’s Note: Here you go lovely!! @curiouscutie143 I hope you & everyone other toji lovers enjoy this. I had so much fun writing this & I tried to make it as nasty as I could lol. I may write another mafia!toji thing in the future just cuz this shit was soooo fun. Enjoy! -Jazz

*********

“Peaches, you’re needed in the backrooms.” 

You resist the urge to smile as you turn around from your seat at the bar, sipping on some water after your dance and sweet-talking a middle-aged bank broker into his pockets. It’s important to keep up the facade.

“Comin’,” you tell your coworker and turn to the broker who looks ready to dive into your cleavage. 

“Sorry, but I’ve gotta run,” you sigh, acting apologetic. He frowns at you, making the wrinkles and lines in his face more evident. “But this shouldn’t take too long. Find me afterward?”

The broker puts his hand on yours, accidentally using the hand his gold marriage band sits on. “You’ve got it, baby,” he purrs. “I’ve got some dollars just waitin’ on ya.” 

He gives you a wink before polishing off his whiskey and walking away from the bar, leaving you to breathe and collect your thoughts. You turn to the bottle girl, waving her down. “One shot of Patron, please!” you yell above the music blaring from the overhead speakers. She nods, scurrying to fetch you a much-needed shot. It will be the first alcoholic drink you’ve had since your shift started. 

You suddenly hear a buzz from your right ear and instantly put your hand up against it under your hair. “V,” a gruff voice says into your earpiece. “Come in, V. It’s been 20 minutes since we last talked. Did you get him yet?” 

You scan the upscale strip club pulsing with purple and red strobe lights and booming with activity: businessmen and regular-degular customers tossing money at the dancers on stage who spin around poles and do splits in their thongs and heels.

“Target was sighted five minutes earlier, sir,” you whisper into the earpiece given to you by your agency. “He is currently in the backrooms waiting for me. He came alone. He made eye contact with me ten minutes ago, so he may be asking for me.” 

More like you made eye contact with him and had been since he walked in. He is impossible to miss with how tall and buff he is. His black V-neck tee stuck to his pectorals and abs while his jeans hung low on his hips.

You had expected he’d be flashier with his wealth by wearing obvious designer clothing, but you figured that he had to keep a low profile as well. Beneath the V-neck that hung from his neck, you could see the tattoos that roped over his chest just like his arms. The healed scar at the corner of his smirk as his green eyes scanned the place over told you that this was, indeed, your target. 

He stood between two bodyguards in suits half his size, giving off an intimidating aura, especially with the guns at their hips. But you’d expect nothing less from Toji Fushigiro, Tokyo’s most notorious mafia boss. 

He is powerful. He is wealthy. He is known throughout Tokyo and Japan for being the head of Tokyo’s infamous mafia gang, the spot being passed down by his father. He is also a criminal. White-collar crime, organized crime, drug trafficking––you name it, Toji does it. 

He is also known for his scare tactics on those who owe him a debt. He’s held man over bridges, threatening to drop them in the murky waters below. He’s pistol-whipped. He’s choked. He’s stomped. He’s jumped guys in alleyways and left them for dead. He is a man of his word. If he tells you he’ll fuck you up if you don’t give him his money in a certain amount of time, he’ll do it. 

He is the number one man current on your hitlist…and your agency’s. They knew it was a good idea to employ you, their top hitwoman, to Toji’s favorite club to take him out for good. Though he didn’t show up when you started at the club a couple of weeks ago, you knew it was only a matter of time until he showed up. 

And now, he is. As soon as he was in the club, everyone’s eyes were on him. Dancers scurried to the pole and backstage to change into their best outfits to milk him out of his pockets. Bartenders and bottle girls quickly wiped down counters and took care of customers as quickly as possible so they could tend to him. Your manager barreled toward him with complimentary champagne and a spot in the VIP section. 

As Toji walked with your manager, your eyes met across the room. They met again while he sat in the VIP section when he should’ve been watching a dancer twirl around the pole in front of him. Both times were fleeting, but they affected you completely. His green eyes, like mirrors to a forest, sent chills down your spine and made your stomach flip. His gaze was intense. Intimate. His eyes made it hard to relax or act like a normal dancer working her shift at the club. 

He seemed to know what he was doing to you or he was sizing you up because he would simply smirk and sip on his whiskey on the rocks and puff on his cigar, his soft lips forming Os and blowing the smoke into the strobe-lit air. You can understand why so many women fell for him, but you aren’t one of them. The tiny gun strapped to your hip proves it. 

Your real boss sighs in relief. “Excellent work,” he praises. “Unfortunately, we can’t see what you’re doing from over at headquarters and we’re still working on connecting the audio to hear what’s happening around you, so just fill us in on what you do next until then. All you have to do now is walk back there and complete the mission as we discussed.” 

You toss an arm over the bar, stretching your coffin-shaped nails along the polished bar. “Of course,” you reply with a smirk. “Don’t I always?”

The bartender returns with your shot and you down it at once, relishing the burn and the way it loosened you right up. “I’ll keep you informed,” you say. “Just stay near the phone.” 

“Be careful,” your boss says before the line cuts. You check your makeup in the bar before you get up from the bar and strut over to your beautiful, blonde coworker in her red lingerie and heels. “Hey, Yuki,” you greet her. 

She smiles at you and guides you to the backrooms where the wealthier customers usually take the girls to get a dance…or something more. Sexual exchanges aren’t allowed, but the manager never complains if they bring in more money. You and Yuki peer down the hallway to the double doors of a private room where Toji’s bodyguards stand. 

“Why the guards?” you ask, pretending to be confused. “Is the President here or somethin’?” Yuki turns you to face her, her eyes wide. “Even bigger,” she replies. “He’s the hot guy with the scar who comes in here often. He’s a mafia boss, apparently. Super hot, but very powerful. The bossman gave him his pick of any girl he wanted and he picked you.” 

You do your best to hide your smirk. You knew you had him. “Me?” you ask breathlessly. “Why me?” Yuki shrugs, just as clueless. “Don’t know, but I was sent out to fetch you. He’s willin’ to pay double the amount of a regular lapdance, but he didn’t say if he wanted it topless, naked or not.” She gives you a worried look, furrowing her blonde brows. “You sure you up for it, hon?” she asks. “I know you’ve taken high rollers before, but he ain’t even a high roller! He’s beyond that!” 

To sell it even more, you bite your lip, acting nervous but intrigued. “I can do it,” you reply. “Just hold my hand when you walk me in there.” Yuki obliges and squeezes your hand as you begin to walk toward the guards, heels clicking across the floor. 

“Target is in sight,” you whisper into your earpiece, turning away from Yuki and putting your mouth in your arm to muffle your voice. “I’m walkin’ to the backrooms now where he’s located.” 

“Excellent, V!” your boss says. “Just do it as we discussed. Don’t falter, don’t yield, and don’t lose focus.” The three rules of being a spy. You never forgot them. Finally, you come to the guards and Yuki smiles up at them. “I’m here with Peaches,” Yuki announces. “The girl Mr. Fushigiro asked for.” 

You plaster a bright, charming smile on your face. It must work because the guards budge and step out of the way for you. One of them opens the door for you and Yuki, holding it. “Step in,” he orders. You thank him and scurry inside the dimly lit room with an included mini-bar, a single stripper pole, and leather lounging couches. Toji currently sits in one of them, legs spread and eyes hooded as he puffs on a blunt and sips on his drink. 

His green eyes pierce into your very soul when he eyes you in the doorway. “Here she is, sir,” Yuki says. “Just as you requested. And she’s just as pretty as I told you she is.” She moves your hair out of your face, exposing your pretty false flashes, Fenty Beauty gloss, and accentuated features to the boss. 

Toji hums, liking what he sees. “Yes, she is,” he agrees. “Tell your boss thanks. He can expect some good business out of me once the night is through.” Yuki nods and gives your arm a squeeze. “Good luck,” she whispers before heading off. The doors close and you are left alone with your hit. 

Neither one of you moves toward the other, staying posted to your spots. Toji takes a puff on his blunt and lights taps it above the ashtray next to him. “Y’know, you’re mighty pretty up close,” he purrs. “I’ve been wonderin’ what you’d look like up close instead of across the room.” 

You finally look at him, noticing how big he is even sitting down. “So you’ve been watchin’ me tonight?” you ask. He nods, his eyes trailing down your form. “I knew I hadn’t seen ya before,” he continues. “I come here often and I would’ve remembered seein’ a face and a rack like that.” 

You scoff, rolling your eyes. “Charmer, aren’t you?” you sarcastically question. 

He smirks at your wittiness. He likes that bite in a woman. “When I wanna be, but you’ll have to forgive me; the liquor makes me bolder than I already am.” His tongue jets out to lick his lips. “But you’ve gotta give a guy credit for bein’ honest and that lil’ outfit don’t leave much to the imagination.” 

You go to wrap your arms around yourself but then stop. You need to sell this and if you’re forced to stand here in a mini dress that barely covers your ass or titties with heels that could crush a bitch in front of your hit who also happens with me enticingly sexy, then so be it. Toji’s gaze softens somewhat, noticing your discomfort. “You are very beautiful, Peaches,” he genuinely says. “Is it okay if I use your name?” 

“Thank you, Mr. Fushigiro,” you softly reply. “And no, it’s fine. It’s what I’m known as around here anyway. I started here five weeks ago.” He nods, sipping on his whiskey. “Call me Toji.” 

“Toji,” you parrot, slowly striding towards the pole in the middle of the room, an overhead speaker playing soft R&B overhead. “You’re quite the man. The entire club seems to be in a frenzy over you.” 

His smirk widens, proud and cocky. “They always are,” he chuckles. “Don’t know why. This place gets plenty of people bigger than me all the time, especially international celebs. I heard Drake was here not too long ago.” You give a dry “mm-hmm” as you grasp the pole. Toji takes that answer another way. “What, you don’t like Drake?” he snorts. 

“He’s okay,” you reply, short and impatient. “So what are you here for? To talk or to watch me dance?” You wrap a hand around the pole and pop your hip out, waiting for him to give you an order. 

“Depends.” He sits up, leaning forward to get a better look at you. “What are you willin’ to do tonight for me? ‘Cause we can just sit here and talk. I wouldn’t mind hearin’ that pretty voice all night.” His green eyes gleam with mirth and a small hint of lust.

“Definitely a charmer,” you chuckle. “That’s fine if you’re willin’ to pay, though we don’t have a rate for conversation.” 

He laughs at this, the sound deep and raspy yet pleasant to the ear. He takes another puff on his blunt before he lowers it down onto the ashtray. “Then let’s cut to the chase,” he sniggers. “It’s $500 for a 10-minute dance, right? I want 20 minutes, so that would make…”

He begins to count on his fingers but then stops. “A lot,” he chuckles. “I’ll probably ask for you to strip though. Are you okay with that, Peaches?” 

You feel something flip inside of you at the mention of all of that money and how passive he is about it. Any girl working here would do whatever he wanted for 20 minutes! “I’m a stripper,” you reply passively. “What else am I gonna do?” 

Toji tsks, grimacing at you. “Damn, what kinda attitude is that?” he laughs. “A beauty like you should be more adamant about showin’ off her body. Can I offer you a drink to get you in the mood?” He nods at the mini bar overflowing with bottles of tequila, vodka, and liquor.

“I don’t drink on the job,” you reply. “Music helps.” You suddenly hear a buzz in your ear and then your boss’ gruff voice: “Give me the rundown, V,” he demands. 

You want another drink?” you ask. You nod at Toji’s empty glass and he agrees, so you walk over to the bar. To him, you’re seemingly looking for a bottle of whiskey, bent down to look through the racks. “With the target now,” you whisper. “Just waiting for the right time to attack. Give me a second.” 

Once the line goes dead, you walk back over to Toji and pour him a bottle. As you bend down, you give him an ample view of your titties much to his enjoyment. As you do, you slip the gun out of your dress and place it under the couch where only you can find it. Once done, you leave the bottle with him, and step back, hands on your hips. He sits back against the couch, preparing for the show. “Whenever you’re ready, darlin’,” he purrs, his eyes filled with obvious lust and attraction. 

With a slow song playing above and the lights dipping into an almost ominous red shade, you begin to move to the beat. You roll your hips, swaying them side to side and front to back, almost as if you’re grinding on Toji despite him being several feet away from you. You let the music take control of you as you grasp the pole and begin to grind against it, dipping low to wind your ass in his face. 

You do a few tricks on the pole for him–jumping and spinning around it, your thighs wrapped tight around the metal pole; squatting and lifting up your dress to bounce your ass, etc.–before you turn to look at him over your shoulder, flipping your hair. Toji’s eyes are hooded and lustful, all from the weed, the whiskey, and the effect you’re having on him. Despite the situation, it feels good to have an attractive man ogle at your plump frame. 

“Take off the dress,” he demands, a slight growl in his voice. You don’t turn to face him, instead still facing the wall as you carefully unzip the back of your dress. The thin piece of clothing falls off of your body, revealing all of your rolls, curves, and the matching glittery bra and thong set. 

“Shit!” Toji hisses, ogling at your asscheeks in your glittery thong. “Your back don’t hurt carryin’ that around?” 

You finally turn around and find him leaning forward, his hands clenching his thighs. “You don’t look like you’re ready,” you giggle, winding your hips and toying with your titties in their cups. “Did you talk too much big game, Toji?”

The boss looks like he can’t even speak, his scarred lips parted as he stares you down. “Goddamn,” he hisses. “How some horny fuck didn’t propose to you and steal you out of here yet is beyond me.” 

You give a light, tittering laugh, smiling down at him. “Well, if someone did that, I wouldn’t be here with you.” He looks happy with that response. You then twist around and bend over for him, giving him a full view of your full, round, perfect ass. “Can you handle it, baby?” you purr. “Can you handle me?” 

You quickly pop up and turn around, finding him shifting in his seat and gritting his jaw. “I should be askin’ you that,” he growls. “Come the fuck here.” Deciding not to tease him any longer, you strut over to him, feeling sexy and irresistible. It’s strange that the same man you were sent to kill is doing this to you. 

His eyes have grown several shades darker, reminding you of the deepest, darkest parts of a jungle. “Dance for me,” he demands. “Not on the pole; on me.” He opens his legs wider for you and pats his lap, his bottom lip caught between his teeth. Though clients often get handsy when dancers give them lapdances here, you decide that it’s best to do as he says. 

Plus, you’d be lying if you said that you aren’t curious to feel him for yourself. So you place your hands on his thick, muscular highs and begin to roll your body before squatting down, popping up between his legs. You reach up to drag your palms and long nails down his chest, feeling up his abs and toned stomach. He allows it, staring down at you with a look that would make a nun blush. 

You then stand up between his legs before turning around and lowering yourself down into his lap. “Shit,” he whispers, watching the way you work your ass along his lap and the jean-clad bulge that has begun to make an appearance. You twerk and bounce on top of him before he takes a drag of his blunt, blowing the air away from you. “You ever shotgun before?” he asks, his lips close to your ear now. 

Your body grows hot from him being so close, the attraction ironically magnetic. Slowly, you shake your head and Toji chuckles, adoring your mix of cute and sexy. “C’mere.” You lean back and tilt your head up while he takes another puff of his blunt. He holds the marijuana smoke before puckering his lips up and leaning down as if to kiss you. Slowly, the smoke travels from his lips to yours in an indirect kiss that leaves you breathless and your head dizzy. 

You can’t deny it: you’re wet. Your pussy has never been this wet for any man before…and he’s the enemy! Toji seems to feel it too judging by the hard-on you can feel pressing into your thigh. You shift onto his knee and begin grinding your ass back, doing your best to not grind your pussy against his thigh. 

“So you got a name other than that stripper shit?” he randomly asks you. You are immediately taken out of your lustful haze, remembering why you’re here. “I don’t remember us talkin’ about personal shit,” you dryly reply. “I don’t give my real name out to men I don’t know.” 

Then, for the first time tonight, Toji touches you. His big hand lowers onto your thigh and squeezes. You don’t try to move it but you are alarmed. “Oh, but you do know me, darlin’,” he replies, digging his fingers into your flesh. “And I know you, V.” 

At the mention of your real name, you freeze. The world freezes with you, everything seeming to cease their existence including the music that continues to play overhead. But you don’t hear it. All you can hear is your own blood pumping loudly in your eardrums. Toji releases you and you quickly jump off of him, turning toward him. 

He just sits there staring at you, a humorous smirk playing on his lips. The smile is no longer attractive to you anymore. Suddenly, you feel disoriented. You feel like you may vomit or drop to the floor in your heels. Your earpiece buzzes to life again in your ear. “V!” your boss calls. “We just got the audio working again. What’s happening?” He sounds panicked, just as much as you are. 

Toji bares his pearly whites at you as he calmly reaches for his whiskey. “Ah, now them wheels are turnin’ in that pretty little head,” he chuckles. “You know, you dance almost as good as you lie. I can see why you were put here to go undercover.” He takes a sip and licks the remnants away from his top lip, still staring you down. 

“Ain’t that right?” he asks and it feels like a snake has just silvered up your back and sunk its teeth in you, paralyzing you. 

“Y/N, he knows!” your boss hisses. “Stand down! Don’t do anything stupid!” He continues to yell and scream at you about aborting the mission and telling you that someone will be there soon, but you can’t quite hear him. It’s like you’re underwater and he’s standing above ground, his voice muffled and murky. 

For a few seconds that seem like a lifetime, you and Toji stare each other down, waiting for the other to make the first move. Your body kicks into fight or flight, the freeze stage having already been awakened. Inisctively, you shift into fight mode. Quickly, you take the bottle of whiskey and bring it down towards Toji’s head, but he catches your wrist like it’s nothing. 

You grunt, wincing at the pain of his grip. “Oh, you wanna play, huh?” he cackles. “Goin’ against your boss’ little rules just to take me out? How cute.”

With a wail of effort, you swing your other hand at his head but he catches that too. Counting on this, you bring your leg up and kick him hard in the groin. He immediately releases you and lurches forward, holding his junk, giving you a chance to grab your gun from under the couch.

“Don’t move,” you growl, cocking the gun at him. “You move and I’ll shoot.” 

Toji, red in the face and panting, glares up at you. “Please,” he scoffs. “You act like you’re the first bitch that’s put a gun to my head.” Before you can blink, he is swinging the bottle at you. You duck which is a mistake because Toji uses that opening to tackle you to the ground. You struggle and growl, turning into an animal as he wrestles with you for your gun. 

He ends up winning, flipping you over and pinning you down to the floor with his body. “Get off!” you scream, still wriggling around. “Get off me!” Click. The barrel of your gun presses to your temple. “If you don’t shut up, I’ll make you regret it,” he growls. 

His fingers move your hair back away from your ear and pry the earpiece out of your ear. He snarls at it as if it’s nothing but a bug. “God, they made these things so much smaller now.” He stands up, keeping the gun on you, and stomps on the earpiece, breaking it. “Whoops!” he mockingly says. “They should still be able to find ya though. I don’t plan on movin’ ya to another location…if you don’t piss me off.” 

The gun clicks again. “Turn around slowly,” he demands. Despite your reluctance to do so, you slowly turn around and face him, lying on your back with your own shit pointed at you as Toji stands above you. “How did you know?” you whisper. 

He smirks, appearing like the Devil in your eyes. “It wasn’t hard, darlin’,” he chuckles. “Dancers don’t eye me up the way you were. You looked like you were out for blood, not dollars. Not to mention the gun I saw at your hip.” You flush, cursing yourself. You should’ve been smarter. Of course, he would know. He spends his days having people hunt him down. 

His smirk fades, his expression darkening. “Who sent you?” he demands. “And don’t lie. You don’t wanna know what I do with liars.” The gun cocks, his finger trained on the trigger. You glare at him, hating his guts even more than you had before you met him. So you weakly confess. He guffaws, shaking his head in disbelief. “Damn, those guys? They’ve been after me for years!” 

“You’re a criminal,” you hiss despite the gun in your face. “You only got this far because of you dippin’ your hands in crime and gettin’ blood on your fists. I’m here to stop you.”

Toji’s brows raise in shock though he’s intrigued by your stubbornness. He squats down in front of you, still pointing the gun at your head. “And how are you gonna do that, huh, little girl?” he asks. 

Not even thinking, you hollow your lips and wallop a glob of spit in Toji’s handsome face before quickly turning over and scrambling to the door. However, Toji is just as fast and has his big, tatted arms wrapped around you, squeezing you tight. You can’t elbow him anywhere because your arms are stuck in his, leaving you to kick and wriggle.

“Oooh, I love a feisty bitch,” he chuckles. “Makes it a lot more fun to break ‘em.” 

He begins to walk with you over to a nearby wall and slams you against it, knocking the air out of your lungs. You find yourself pressed against the wall and him who is equally as hard and unmoving as the solid wall against your front.

He shoves the side of your face into the wall while he pins your arms behind your back, causing your muscles to explode with pain at being stretched back too far. “Get off!” you cry. “O-Ow, that hurts!” 

Toji tugs on your arms again, emitting a weak whine of pain from you. “That’s what you get for fuckin’ with me,” he growls. “Now what should I do with you? Kill you? Leave your agency to find you here?” The gun once again presses against your temple, cold and unrelenting. 

You squeeze your eyes shut, tears pushing back the ducks. You can’t beat this. You can’t fight this. “Do it,” you sob. “Just do it!” You go limp against him, waiting to feel that bullet penetrating your skull and for the void to come to collect you…but instead, Toji takes the gun away from you, leaving an indent on your temple. “No,” he says. “I’ve got a better idea.” 

You open your eyes, confused but also scared. What else is he planning to do with you? Before you can answer, you hear the undeniable sounds of his zipper coming down and the clinking of his metal belt buckle. Your body instant seizes, fear flooding your insides.

“I’m gonna make sure you remember tonight and what happens when you fuck with a guy like me. Tonight, babydoll, you’re mine. You don’t have a choice. You’re mine and I’m gonna show you what that means.” 

With his belt finally in his hands, he trains the gun on you. “Put your hands against the wall and stick that ass out,” he demands, his voice void of all emotion. “Do it now.” Outnumbered and out of tricks, you do as he says, trembling as you do so. 

“Bad girls like you need to be punished,” he says before the belt comes down hard onto your right asscheek. WHACK! The sharp sound of the leather hitting the soft, jiggly flesh of your ass penetrates the air. It feels like fire has licked your skin and your knees buckle at the pain. “Ow!” you cry out. 

Toji cackles at your agony, finding enjoyment and cuteness in it. “What, that hurt?” he laughs. “You don’t like the pain? I’m sure a girl like you has taken plenty of worse things before.” He raises his arm and whips the same cheek twice.

WHACK! WHACK! You flinch at each sharp hit, each one becoming more painful than the last. “Hurts, don’t it?” he snickers. “Don’t you regret pullin’ that shit with me now, babydoll, hm?” 

He then proceeds to whip your left cheek, not allowing you any time to recover or breathe. 

WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! You bite your lip so hard that you nearly draw blood, the burning of your backside too much to bear. “S-Stop!” you whine. “Please stop!” 

Toji’s big hands wrap around your mouth, covering it. “Don’t speak,” he whispers into your ear, his breath the scent of whiskey and mint. “You don’t get to speak. Just take it.” You have no choice but to do so as he wails on your ass again and again, the leather cracking like fire against your jiggly ass. “God, that recoil,” he groans. “I’m gonna enjoy my time with you, baby doll.” 

You don’t answer, too busy holding back tears that have begun to push at your eye sockets. Toji finally stops and tosses his head back to laugh. “Are you cryin’?” he laughs in disbelief. “Damn, and all from some spankings? And here I thought you were this tough bitch.” 

You burn with resentment and humiliation, but all of that is pushed aside when he forces you to stand up straight and tugs your arms behind your back. You begin to panic but don’t say anything as he tightens his belt around your wrists and locks the belt buckle around them. “Turn around,” he finally says. 

Despite your tiny sobs, you do so and face him. His eyes are hooded and dark with obvious lust for you. He uses one big hand to force you onto your knees, right in front of his open fly and hard cock that you can see pressing against his designer briefs. “I’ll give you somethin’ to cry about,” he growls. He points the gun at your face, specifically at your lips. “Open your mouth and suck on it.” 

His expression, dark and chilling you to the bone, makes you feel as if you don’t have a choice..and not the loaded gun pressing to your lips. Swallowing hard, you shakily open your mouth and he slides the pistol in. The metal feels cold and hard in your mouth, making you cringe. “That’s it,” Toji chuckles. “Take that shit, baby. C’mon, don’t you wanna please me?” 

Slowly, you begin to suck, hollowing your lips out against the gun. Though you tremble and shake, you squeeze your eyes shut and try to imagine the gun as a hard, warm, throbbing cock instead. Toji moans as if you’re sucking on him, watching your tongue swirl along the barrel and your head bob. 

“Fuck, baby doll,” he groans. “You’ve got such a mouth on ya.” He slides it in further, the metal scraping against your teeth, until he reaches your throat. You gag and try to pull away, but Toji grips the back of your head.

“Uh-uh, mama,” he snickers. “You don’t get to get outta this. C’mon, just open your throat and breathe through your nose. You can do it.” He continues to push and pull, the gun sliding in and out of your mouth, while you struggle to breathe. You can feel sweat pool under your pits and between your cleavage all from your fear. Toji’s finger isn’t on the trigger anymore, but it doesn’t matter. He could change that in a second. 

So you suck and you slurp and you bob your head up and down like a good little slut, staring him into his eyes while spit drips from your lips. Finally satisfied, Toji pulls the gun out of your lips now coated in your saliva. “You fuckin’ slut,” he pants. “Now I need to try ya out for myself.” 

He pockets the gun and, with one hand, pulls down his briefs. His big, long, throbbing, veiny, perfect-looking dick springs to life. It damn near hits you in the face, making you gasp. “Sorry, mama,” he chuckles. “He just likes you.”

He wraps a hand around his 12-inch dick, pumping it lewdly in your face. “So you finna stare at it or suck it?” he deadpans, but he doesn’t wait for you to answer or recover. 

“W-Wait,” you stammer.

That’s all you get to say before his cock is pushing between your lips and into your mouth. He releases a moan when he first slides into your mouth, his eyes fluttering shut at the feeling of your wet mouth, soft lips, and tongue wrapping around him. Meanwhile, you’re struggling to take him. His girthy dick stretches out your jaw and your throat as he pushes himself in deep. 

“C’mon, babydoll,” he chuckles. “That can’t be all you can take of me.” He continues to push, filling your tongue and nostrils with the scent and taste of him. The walls of your throat have no choice but to accommodate his size though it burns and you gag as he begins to slowly yet roughly thrust into your mouth. “Maybe this will help ya out,” he says. Suddenly, he retrieves a pocket knife from his pocket and flicks it open. 

Fear flares into your stomach, making you want to jump away, but his large hand keeps you locked down on his cock. He presses the knife to your throat, chuckling as he does. “Careful now,” he warns. “You lean too close and that pretty neck might get sliced. I just wanna encourage you to do a good job.” He grips your hair and wrenches it up to look at him. “And you will do a good job for me, won’t you?” he asks. 

His tone makes it so you can’t refuse, so you say yes and allow him to force your head back down onto his cock before pulling it back. He does that for a while––pushing and pulling your head down onto his dick like you’re his toy while he uses your sloppy, wet mouth like it’s a fleshlight. “Fuck!” he shouts to the ceiling. “This fuckin’ mouth is heaven, baby. I hope your pussy is just as tight as your tight ass throat.” 

You gargle and mumble on his cock, causing pleasurable vibrations to travel throughout his body and his heavy balls that drip with your saliva. He continues to fuck your face and ruin your makeup, marveling at how beautiful you look choking on his cock. “Look at you, you little slut,” he dreamily sighs. “Makeup all fucked up. Hair ruined. You’re just a little mess for me, aren’t ya?” 

He slides his cock out of your throat and you take a grateful gulp of air, strands of your hair stuck to your wet lips and chin. He takes the knife and slides it along your chin, smirking down at you. “Now it’s my turn to taste you,” he murmurs. Before you can protest, he is picking you up, tossing you over his shoulder, and placing you on your stomach with your arms still tied behind you. 

“Please!” you sob, beginning to cry again. Toji straddles your ass, one hand massaging the globes of fat in your thong while the other holds his knife. “Please what, baby?” he mockingly coos. “I ain’t even touch you yet.” You then feel the cool metal of the knife dragging up your spine, sending shivers down your spine. “Time to get your sexy ass out of these fuckin’ clothes,” he growls. 

You flinch when you feel the knife drag up to your left shoulder where it cuts the bra strap. He does the same to your left one before positioning you onto your knees with your wrists slung over the couch arm. Your tits are now exposed, hanging like ripe, juicy fruit beneath you. Then off comes your thong with two swipes of the knife cutting through the thin straps. You sob helplessly as the cool air touches your sodden, wet pussy. 

“Damn, baby!” Toji cackles. “Are you wet from all this? You naughty little girl.” His middle and forefingers gently probe your entrance and slide up and down your slit, dragging unwanted moans out of you. “I’m gonna have some fun with you,” he chuckles. “Make sure you never forget about me.” 

He then bends you over the couch and proceeds to put his hot, wet, experienced mouth on your pussy while the knife stays pressed against your thigh. You whine at the feeling of his soft lips and tongue swirling along your clit and every sensitive part of you, opening your pussy up to more of him. He drowns in your pussy, pushing his face into it as far as he can and letting his tongue do all of the talking. 

You can’t stop the moans and gasps that escape you. The pleasure is just too much and too good! What a shame that a man who is so good at eating kitty is the same man you were sent here to kill. “Toji,” you moan, using his name for the first time ever. “Please…please!” 

Toji’s one hand massages and smacks your ass, becoming aoslutely obessed with it. “What do you need, babydoll?” he coos against your clit. “You need somethin’?” You nod helplessly though you have no clue what you need at this point. “Tell me you’re mine then,” he growls. “Say it and fuckin’ mean it. Say you’re my good little slut.” 

You keep your lips clamped tight, not wanting to swallow your pride or give up that tiny part of you that hates him still. SPANK! Your ass stings from his assault on your ass, his hand no doubt leaving a handprint. “Say it!” he bellows. 

At the blinding pain, pleasure, and delirium, you break. “I’m yours!” you sob. “I’m your good girl! Your good little slut! I’m everything you want me to be!”

Toji, pleased, presses soothing kisses to your burning asscheek. “Good girl,” he praises. “See how easy that was? Now you get your reward.” Suddenly, you feel his thick cock smack against your pussy once, twice, three times and then he is sliding home inside of you. 

Your mouth goes slack and your eyes grow wide as he begins to rocks his hips into, allowing you to get used to him. He is big. You can feel him stretching out every part of your cunt as he sinks deeper into your velvety, wet walls. “Fuck,” he sighs, one hand clutching your hip. “Not bad, babydoll. Your pussy is definitely the best one I’ve fucked…so far.” 

He begins to fuck you harder, faster, railing you as if this will be his last time doing so. Your moans and huffs of breath become louder and more intense the harder and deeper his cock plunges inside of you. “W-Wait!” you gasp. “Slow down! I can’t…can’t!”

Toji chuckles, watching your ass bounce against his pelvis as he fucks you. “Sorry, honey,” he says, not sounding sorry at all. “I couldn’t help it. You just sound so cute.” 

Your thighs clench and your body writhes as he rails you, unable to take this deep dicking into the couch. You try to move away but the knife suddenly sliding against your throat stops you. “Uh-uh, babydoll,” he growls. “Don’t run from me. I wouldn’t try it if I were you.” He then pops his knee up, his foot up on the couch, and reaches a part inside of you that makes you feel unimaginable pleasure. 

“Just take me like a good girl, okay?” he whispers. “You can do that for me if you wanna live.” You don’t have a choice in the matter, mostly because of the hold he has on your arms, pulling you back as drives himself forward again and again. The sound of your moans, his grunts, and the lewd plap, plap, plap as his balls swing against your overly-sensitive clit and his hips slam into your ass fill the air, drowned out by the music playing outside. 

“Who would’ve thought,” Toji pants into your ear. “C.O.D.E.’s good little spy gettin’ her brains fucked out on a mission, huh? I bet they’d love to see this.” His free hand releases your arms and yanks on a handful of your hair. “I bet they’d love to see you full of me,” he growls. “Full of this dick and my cum.”

He presses the knife deeper into your throat, just enough for you to feel the sharp, jagged edge of the blade. “You wanna cum for me, baby?” he asks. “You gonna be a good slut and take all my cum too?” 

“Please!” you whimper, losing your mind and all of your pride. “Please just make me cum! I’ll do whatever you want, Toji!” He takes the knife from your throat and replaces it with his hand, choking you as he fucks you stupid. “Then do it,” he demands. “Fuckin’ cum on this cock while I fill you up. Cum with me now!” 

“Ah, ah, fuck, I-I’m gonna cum!” you deliriously sob as he continues to pound into you. “I’m gonna…gonna–!”

You don’t get a chance to finish because your pussy has finally reached its limit and explodes all over him, your walls squeezing around him and your clit shuddering. You reaching your peak triggers Toji and he grips your throat and ass as he comes to a still, his entire body tensing. “Fuck!” he bellows, cumming deep, deep, deep inside of you. 

You gasp as you feel a rush of warm liquid flood into your pussy while you gush all over his cock, dripping down his balls. He fills you to the brim, giving you so much that it has no choice but to trickle down your thighs. He doesn’t immediately pull out though––he continues to fuck you, albeit slowly and sloppily, before giving your tit one feeble squeeze and finally pulling out of you. 

You weakly moan at the feeling of being empty yet used, your pussy twitching and aching. “Mmm, now look at that,” he sighs dreamily, staring at your cum-soaked cunt. “Now that’s a properly fucked pussy if I do say so myself.” He takes a handful of your chin, squeezing your cheeks together, and presses a kiss to your forehead. “Not bad, babydoll.” 

You don’t respond, too weak and too tired to do so. You’re too tired to even feel any amount of disgust for him and shame in yourself for failing the mission and enjoying the sex. “Let’s get this off of you,” Toji says, his hands unbuckling the belt from your wrists. “I’m gon’ need it for myself, anyway.” He releases your wrists and lets you lay on the couch, panting and coated in sweat. 

Your makeup and hair are ruined. Your underwear is in tatters. You feel used and fucked-out. You can only stare at Toji as he quickly gets dressed and straightens out his clothes, his cock still covered in you. “I’m sorry, baby, but I’ve gotta go before your people get here.” He gives you an apologetic smile. “But gimme a call since I’m sure you can find that out. Maybe we can do this again.” 

He then moves to the extra bathroom behind the couch and retrieves a robe which he covers you with. “See?” he chuckles. “I ain’t that big of an asshole.” He presses a kiss to your lips before bending down to pick up your thong. “Thanks for this,” he says, dangling it in front of you. “And the dance. I’ll cherish both forever.” 

You don’t say anything, even as you watch him leave, taking your thong and your dignity with you.

Then you are alone. At some point, you find the strength to stand up and wobble to the bathroom where you take a hot shower, washing the scent of sex and cum off of you. When you return, dressed in your robe, the door busts in, and your boss and fellow spies enter the room, guns drawn and masks on their faces. 

“V!” your boss shouts, instantly dropping his weapon and running to you. His eyes widen at your state, looking for any bruises or scars. There are none…that are physical, anyway. “V, what happened?” he asks. 

And as the events of tonight come flooding back to you at full speed, you muster up the most believable lie you can, clutching your robe closed: 

“He overpowered me.” 

[dreams-and-drabbles]

hiiii can i get more Al Haitham x reader content cuz I've been looking around and i cant find any -///-

right now i cant stop imagining him taking care of the reader when she got sick omg;-;

Tysm for the askkkkk!!! Hehe! I hope this is to your liking!!! <33

Alhaitham knows everything when it comes to getting sick, so fortunately you’re in luck. He prides himself on having knowledge in various things, or maybe he just likes knowing things(?) Either way, he knows exactly what you have, and what to do for it.

He noticed you were sick before you did. You were confused for several days, when he strongly suggested you drink water, or said you should sit down. Around a week or so later when the sickness really hit you, you finally figured out why he’d suggested you rest.

You stared at Alhaitham, slightly exasperated. He was sitting down on the edge of your bed, his legs crossed neatly over the other. Typical to his nature, he had his nose stuck in an incredibly thick book. One, that to your surprise was about homemade medicine and herbal remedies.

“Why don’t you ever say anything straightforward, I’m genuinely curious?”

You ask, your voice coming out in a thick rasp.

Alhaitham closed his book, before glancing at you with an elegantly raised brow.

“When someone is told something is wrong, usually their first response is to try and deny it. I’ve offered several straightforward solutions before, but people like to needlessly complicate things.”

You stare blankly at Alhaitham for a moment, before nodding. That was fair, you supposed…

Part of you wondered if he ever answered things simply, you felt as though he could say a single word and make it sound overly complex.

Still, your head hurt— Your throat was sore, and the last thing you wanted to do was think too in depth.

Your thoughts were fortunately broken when a cool sensation made its way to your head.

Alhaitham had pressed a cold rag against your forehead and you wondered when exactly he’d had the time to get up and grab it.

“You should stop. It’ll make it harder to rest.” He said, his tone cool.

You opened your mouth to respond, but started wheezing. Alhaitham left your side, heading to your kitchen. He returned a few moments later, and you barely managed to process what was going on, before he was helping you sit up. He held a bowl in his hand, full of warm lentil soup.

You grabbed for the bowl with shaky fingers, but he gracefully swapped hands.

“You plan to eat with your hands shaking like that?” He said, holding the bowl away from you.

You furrowed your brows, ready to protest, but as if he’d expected it, Alhaitham spoke again.

“Arguing expends energy, as well… If you address your illness the right way, it won’t last nearly as long.”

You let out a raspy sigh, begrudgingly allowing Alhaitham to help you eat the soup. After a few minutes, you end up dozing off.

When you wake the next morning, you’re shocked to find Alhaitham presenting you with yet another bowl of soup.

“I trust you can feed yourself this time. By evening you’ll be over the worst of it.”

True to his word, by dinner your fever had broken. To your surprise Alhaitham was still present. When you asked him why, he shrugged.

“There’s a recovery period, I’m taking precautions.”

You smiled at this, knowing this was his way of coming up with a reason to stick around a bit longer.

Alhaitham raised a brow, his lips quirking up into a smirk. “Don’t go needlessly complicating things…”

You returned the smirk with a smile of your own, “I thought people liked doing that?”

Alhaitham’s lips twitched, “I suppose they do.”

[columbiastapshoes]

more general headcanons. take them in addition to my other ones.

my last headcanon post got a decent amount of attention so i thought i’d do it again :3 my brain is like. a factory that is constantly producing headcanons from machines it’s how i function

anyways most of these r about magenta because i’ve just been in a very magenta mood recently she’s so silly (i’m going feral why is she so PRETTY)

- brad played with dolls as a kid but his parents took them away when he got “too old” for it to be some cute quirk because a Man has to play with Trucks like a Man anyways he did play with Trucks like a Man but he never forgot how to do their hair so even now he can french braid the shit out of people’s hair, especially magentas hair because the dolls he had also had big poofy hair like hers so he’s used to that. however columbia is typically magentas french braiding person so when she saw her gf getting her hair braided by another man she was like “HOW DARE YOU WE ARE OVER” (as a joke obviously don’t fret)

- magenta can do the splits. idk. i just get that vibe and i’m right about everything soooooo /j

- columbia cannot maintain eye contact and magenta STARES and forgets to blink or look away so every time they talk it’s just

“👁️👁️”

“STOP”

- this is such a specific scenario but if they are shopping and come across a pillow they want to buy they give it the columbia test. what is the columbia test you might ask? they just get columbia to scream all of her pain and trauma into the pillow, and if the sound is muffled enough it is deemed worthy to purchase

- magenta just. brings random animals into the castle. and i’m not talking about “aww she like adopts cats a lot :3” no this bitch has brought in Raccoons from the Backyard and riff raff who is a paranoid ass mf is like “THAT THING HAS RABIES” and magentas like “LISTEN. HER NAME IS BEELZEBUB AND YOU WILL TREAT HER WITH RESPECT”

- why are all of these about magenta help

- speaking of magenta :3 she is a huge wes anderson fan and she and columbia watched isle of dogs together for a lil movie date and columbia sobbed during most of it 👍 she liked it though

-can we all agree that frank just. knows how to vogue. like bro came out of the womb knowing how to do that shit and it stuck with him for the rest of his life

-so i spent a really long time being stumped on how i think columbia would dress. like i have everyone else’s style figured out but i just couldn’t figure out hers for some reason,,,,, until i went down a rabbit hole and discovered cyndi lauper. i mean obviously i had listened to girls just wanna have fun and time after time but i has never actually seen this absolute icon. anyways i discovered her and her style during theater class one day and from then on i knew that columbia dresses like cyndi lauper, columbia listens to cyndi lauper, COLUMBIA IS CYNDI LAUPER

-ok so canonically i dont think this would happen but in my own version of rocky horror that exists in my brain magenta and brad are bffs. like yk those videos u see of “unlikely animal friendships” that is literally just them. it’s like goth gf x Some Guy™️ (x used platonically)

-brad is a die hard swiftie. i won’t elaborate.

-magenta loves loves LOVES abba

-sometimes i forget columbia isn’t canonically a theater kid. cuz like. she just Is a theater kid yk that’s who she is

- she would love grease

i will probably make another one of these posts when my list becomes longer again ‼️‼️

p.s i have. two rocky horror aus. would anyone like me to post about them. because i can. i am so normal about . aus

[jodilin65]

FRIDAY, JANUARY 31, 1997 I don’t have too much to say now. I’m just hanging out doing the usual. Tom said it’s OK for me to cry, but what will help him is to see that I don’t blow up in a bad way (feel like dying), but I don’t know. I’m doing well so far and my rag is 8 or 9 days away. So, we’ll see how I am emotionally, which is fine so far. My boobs are barely sore and the pre-cramps have yet to start. I’m sure they will, though, in another 4-5 days.

A part of me believes he’ll cum more often, but it’ll take quite a while. Another part of me doesn’t feel he’ll cum more often. It’s hard to believe he will, but since that’s what I said about him ever cumming, we’ll see. Pregnancy is still just such a fantasy and just one big dream. If it weren’t meant to be just a dream in the first place, it would’ve happened by now and not been just a dream as long as it has been.

Those damn little birds! I made the mistake of putting seeds into their bird feeders and now they won’t buzz off. I quit feeding them, but they still try stealing my bird’s seeds.

Later…

Now I weigh 106. And all for eating just a little more today than I did yesterday. I still wouldn’t be surprised if 106 was the new faithful number. Meanwhile, I’ve usually weighed 104 for the last several months. I haven’t even weighed 100 or lower for about 8 months and it seems like the possibility of returning to 100 or lower is getting slimmer and slimmer. Well, there have been times when I’ve lost weight without even trying. Maybe that’ll happen again, but I don’t see it. Plus, I am now in my 30s.

I’ve been taking Benadryl at night to help keep my schedule as steady as possible till after next Thursday. Just 6 more days do I have to try and hope I don’t wake up before 2 PM. I got up at 9 AM today.

I wonder if next door will return for the weekend. I hope not, cuz I know neither of them works on weekends and if they’re there, that ups the potential for parties. They’ve never partied on a weekday or weeknight if I’m remembering correctly. Still, if they’re gonna always be like they’ve been since last October, then I hope they’re here as long as we are. This seems unrealistic, though, and too good to be true.

I wonder why God’s been so good to me lately as far as other people’s noise goes. Cuz I’m sterile? I doubt it. I’ve been sterile all my life and God’s never been the least bit sorry about it, either. He knew exactly what he was doing and why the day he set me up to be exposed to DES.

Anyway, as much as I wish those two dogs would get shot or disappear, that’s all you really hear around here these days.

The trailer across the street hasn’t been here for a while, so they’ll return any time now and we’ll see what they do.

Gizzy’s asleep now on his wheel.

I think I felt the first light pangs of pre-cramps. I tried to sense out what my next period will be like and I did get a vision. It’ll be light. Lighter than it should be and lighter than most women’s periods, but I don’t know how light. I definitely won’t spot, though, and it won’t be heavy. I still probably won’t even need a big pad. Just liners. It used to be that I’d need big pads for a day or two.

I’m pretty sure Rugg will tell me the water is just life and age, but I sure hope to hell I’m okay and that this will be a one-time visit.

Sandy and Jen’s birthdays are on the 4th and 5th. I’ll call there on the 4th. I hope they’re all doing okay.

Later…

I suppose right now you could say I’m bored shitless. Maybe I ought to go read my library book.

Just thought I’d jot down a few lines till my popcorn is done. The microwave is just a few feet away from my work table.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 30, 1997 It looks like there’s still no one next door. For the last 2-3 days, I don’t think even just she’s been there, cuz I haven’t seen any lights on at night. I love it, though, and once again, I hope it’s this way in the summer, too. And, that it stays that way till we move. I know that’s asking a wee bit too much, though, cuz there’s bound to be a few more turnovers by the time we move.

So far, my talking daily about my wanting a kid and knowing I can never have one, is not helping him get off more often. It’s only been a few days, though, so hopefully soon enough it’ll work and not be one of those things he just thinks will work.

The weather was gorgeous today. In the upper 70s. It’s to be that way for a few days. I called Tammy to rub it in a bit. I washed a load of my clothes, hung them out to dry, and made spaghetti. I also did some proofreading. I spoke with Andy yesterday and got my email today from Marla. I guess Kim will call or write again soon.

Am I ever gonna hear from Anna and Harry? I wonder. She’s gonna be busy now what with taxes coming up.

As for Paula, who knows where she is? I still doubt the ditz has any clue as to how to get a hold of me. I’m sure she lost anything that had my address or number written on it. Or the kid destroyed it.

I guess that either at the end of this week or the beginning of next, I’ll get the package my parents are sending.

I’ve had the spat that me and my folks had a while back on my mind every once in a while, and I came to my final decision about that. I told them in a letter I began to them that I can’t stop them from exaggerating, lying or discussing our business with others, but I also can’t have a one-sided relationship with them. You don’t tell adults what to do and I don’t do shows for anyone, I do me. I’m me and that’s it. I told them that from now on, we’re all gonna say what we’ve got to or want to say and that it’s up to each other how we’ll deal with it. I did tell them, however, that I do have a degree of love and respect for them, therefore, I will make an effort to watch what I say and use my best judgment, but only cuz that’s what I want to do. Not cuz they ordered me to do so. No one tells me how to be, what to say, or what to do, and if they’ve got a problem with that, tough shit!!! This is how it’s gonna be from now on. They have to meet me halfway or it’s no way at all.

It’s a shame, though, that at this age they haven’t changed much. I have seen them change in some ways, but it’s a shame that they’re so selfish, insensitive, inconsiderate, and not very understanding. Like I said, I don’t know what drives them for sure, be it low self-esteem, low tolerance, jealousy, etc.

I do know that Mom didn’t like any kind of attention directed towards me over anything I could do or anything I knew, cuz then she’d feel like she was lacking the attention. She was also one for being the center of attention. I used to be like that somewhat myself when I was younger, due to the attention I lacked and she used to get on my case about it. It wasn’t too often that I tried to make myself the center of attention, and it wasn’t too often she’d get on my case about it, but looking back, I can see that she did that cuz she was seeing a little bit of her in me and that probably scared her.

In certain ways, she hated it when we kids were like her, cuz it was an embarrassing reminder to her of how she was/is, but in other ways, she wanted us to be just like her or lower than her.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 29, 1997 OK, time to come clean. Yes, all the shit I’ve said about no longer wanting a kid is bullshit. I thought it’d help me. Especially in light of what happened with Larry, but I’m only kidding myself by saying I don’t want a child. I may have my fears, doubts, and worries about a child, know I’d be forever fat and tired, but there isn’t anything I want more, other than to be with Tom forever. I had tried to convince myself, though, that I didn’t want a kid, cuz I still don’t see how that’s possible and allowable by God, but Tom was right; you can’t convince yourself of something you don’t believe.

Tom and I had a talk last night that I think really may help us both. We made a deal with each other as far as what to do on our part to help us both. My part is to not deny I want a kid and to talk about it as much as I need to, so as not to end up bottling it up till I get so angry, frustrated, and upset that I feel like I just want to drop dead. He said if I do this, it’ll help him cum more often. I warned him, though, that if I spoke about it as often as it was on my mind, that could easily be a daily thing. He said it’s no problem. It’s no problem if I talk about it and even if we disagree, but when I blow up from holding it in, that creates problems. This way I won’t appear so negative and get all emotional, cuz it does take up less of our time to talk about it in a stable mood, than for him to calm me down out of a fit about it.

I always had the feeling that this year would either be full of nightmares (one of them including a doctor confirming my sterility), or it would turn out to be the great year I felt it’d be. If it does turn out great, I hope that it’ll include us finding out I’m pregnant.

Also, this may sound funny, but I always believed that if a kid were meant to be, I’d be around 32 years old and the first year that did pop into my head was 1997. Of course, I don’t have to remind you what Robin says about it. She wholeheartedly agrees with Tom. Tom said that at the end of February, which will be right before my appointment, he’d like us to get a home pregnancy test. He says this way we’ll know if I stand anywhere different than I ever have before. He said he doesn’t mean to make me angry, of course, and he’s not saying it’ll be positive for sure, but we can at least experiment with it, get to know it and how it works and its accuracy rates, etc. Rugg will at least know we’re trying, too, cuz she’s no doubt gonna ask me about possible pregnancy just like the nurse did when I go in there griping about water.

So, how do I feel about the pregnancy test? I have mixed emotions, naturally. My heart hopes it’s positive ASAP and we both want a child really bad, but my head and logic tell me that I’m just fantasizing and dreaming and that it isn’t meant to be. Like I said, though, it’s OK to dream. That’s what dreams are for. Nonetheless, I still hope he’s right about my being OK, but my mind does go back to that dream, though. Could it be a premonition? Or was it just a dream? Oh, I hope it was just a dream, but something’s nagging me in my gut as if to say, Beware! Keep out of Never Never Land. This is a dream of reality.

Yeah, well, unless a doctor does confirm my worst fears and unless Rugg tells me I need my parts stripped, I’ll remain in Never Never Land. Hell, I’ve been most of my life, anyway. It’s just that God delivering us the final blow to our dreams and snatching all hope away and finalizing it in some way seems just his style. It’s just like something he’d do to me. He’s always had a problem when it came to the things I wanted most and with my choice of occupations.

God, just give us a break, will you? Lighten up. Be fair for once!

Anyway, I just know deep down that this will be the year I either conceive or my belief becomes more evident than ever before. I’d just want to die if I turned out to be as right as I’ve always been so far. There’d just be no use in sticking around on this earth and I’d feel like I denied and took away so much from Tom. I am not gonna continue to live my life according to God’s standards and his rules and his way. I am not gonna be what he wants me to be and live my life for him. I’m going to live my life for Tom and I and not settle. If I were a settler, I would be a housekeeper for sure and I’d still be with people like Brenda.

I thought about Larry’s dying and looked at it in a new light. OK, what happened was tragic and they’ll all have to live with it forever, but they did have 16 wonderful years with him. I wonder, if they had to do it all again and knew they could have just 16 years with him, would they? Or would they not have had him? Maybe knowing they had those 16 wonderful years with him helps them to deal with their loss of him. And their belief (especially Sandy’s) that he’s now in a better place, which I hope is true. In other words, I realize that I can’t keep worrying about the what-ifs. If God’s gonna kill any child we could have whether it was unborn or born, he’s gonna do it then. Meanwhile, I guess it’s silly to worry about that possibility. Nothing in this world’s guaranteed. Nothing but my love for my husband.

Evie’s gonna have her baby any minute now. Now I know she told me she and David didn’t want or plan their kids, but I’m so glad they’re having children. I hear they’re a bit goofy, but it’s just so nice to see parents like them. It’s quite refreshing after knowing that 80% of today’s parents are either doped up or killing people if they’re not beating, molesting, or cutting down their kids left and right. I mean, there’s no comparing guinea pigs and rabbits to kids, but my animals piss me off at times and get on my nerves. I yell at them or remove what they’re using to drive me nuts for a while, but I couldn’t imagine beating the holy shit out of even them or cutting them down, if they could understand more words than no, get down, come here, their names, and also, my kissing them and the sound of the refrigerator or plastic.

Well, I just hope all works out. We plan to have more fun and I plan to keep talking and he plans to have that method help him fire more. I just hope my worst fears never get confirmed by either time or a doctor’s word. Even if I feared that all my life, nothing in my past, present, or future could make me more depressed than having that nightmare be realized like never before, other than if anything happened to Tom. My life would be a hell of a lot more “over” than it could ever be with a child.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 28, 1997 Tom brought home good news about his mom yesterday. She did not have a stroke or anything serious. Just a bad arthritis attack, but she’ll be fine. At least, I hope she will be.

Tom gets more surprising by the minute. I really thought sex would be out of the question yesterday, due to his mother and his not getting as much sleep, but we screwed and got their cages cleaned. It’s still very hard to believe, though, that Tom will surprise me with cumming more than twice a week. Time will tell, but if he did, that’d probably take him years to do. It took him years to even cum in the first place.

Got a letter from Kim yesterday and she sure did tell me something weird. That her boyfriend’s girlfriend was on the pill, not trying to get pregnant, and just found out she was 5 months pregnant. OK, she obviously forgot her pill at one point, God does give babies to those who don’t try to conceive/want to conceive, but she just found out at 5 months? Didn’t she have any symptoms? Didn’t she gain weight, feel movements, puke, or miss enough periods?

I may no longer want a kid after what happened with Larry and with God’s way of having this world be so filled with violence and injustice, but still, does God ever give kids to those who want, plan, and try for them?

Kim also enclosed a Bob letter. It was a very short note saying how he’s oh so devastated that she and I dumped him. Also, my dumping him was very hard on him, but a piece of cake compared to her dumping him. Yeah, I believe that one. Then he goes on and on crying and praying for death. Sorry, Bob. You’re an asshole, a geek, a pervert, and a stupid loser. Therefore, you’re going to live a very long life. God will see to that. God loves you dearly.

Gizzy looked so cute the other day when he held a piece of popcorn (which was bigger than his head) in his tiny hands and ate it.

Later…

Tom’s in bed now, so I’ll just mention a few things, and then go read my book. I didn’t like the second book of Dean Koontz’s, so now I’m reading the last one I’ve got.

Next door never did come in last night. It still appears that they don’t have a pattern as to when they’re there and when they’re not there. I just hope they continue to not be around here and there.

If there is one good thing that 1997 has brought, it’s more sex. At least for now, it’s been that way.

I told Tom that I’d rather be bored than have bad things going on and I’d rather be dead than have my old life back or be without him, but this water/metabolism crap still makes me wonder. I called and asked Dr. R’s nurse if she had any suggestions. She said no and that I’d better see Gloria Rugg and see if it’s connected to my period. She too, seems to think there may be a connection. She mentioned something about hormones but doesn’t know for sure, saying Gloria’s the one who’s up with that. She first said, “You’re not pregnant obviously.” Obviously not, but I still wonder what the hell it could be. I think I may have read or heard that DES can affect hormones and that’s another reason why we can’t conceive or why we miscarry, as well as due to the tissue being all inflamed, but I don’t know for sure. I just hope that Gloria can help me and that this isn’t gonna turn into multiple appointments. I hope it’s just a case of me needing a water pill to set my system straight. I’ll die if I need surgery or if something serious has gone wrong. That’d be just the thing God would do to me, too, to really punish me and piss me off. I’ve been under the knife enough.

Of course, I have mixed emotions about possibly needing a hysterectomy. I mean, I’m already sterile, don’t want a child anymore, so I can live just fine without my parts and it’d be nice to not have periods, but then I have to go through the hassles of surgery, recovery and meds. Anyway, the appointment will be on March 5th. I just hope to hell it’s just one appointment and that everything’s OK and that this problem is solvable. Why do I have the feeling that that’s asking for too much? I still wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if I had to have 3 appointments and that I have all this water just because. I still don’t know if God’s ready to have my parts stripped out of me or if he ever will. That way he can still put me under a spot attack if he wants to.

I still think it’s Tom’s cum. It’s ironic that this all began as soon as he started cumming. I think my body just doesn’t take well to it and rejects it. It’s just like how some people can take and tolerate certain drugs, well, his cum fouled up my whole system.

Another thing that has this water really annoying me is how I have to wake up to pee every goddamn night. Sometimes even more than once.

My only logical guess as to what it could be is the same - age, metabolism, and God. I still worry and wonder about it, although it seems logical that nothing serious is wrong. I’d have to have more symptoms and problems if something was wrong than just water retention.

I’ve been thinking about that dream again. Could it be a sign of something bad to come? Is it not only telling me I need not worry about ever being in Larry and Sandy’s shoes but that there is a significant problem?

Later…

Took two dumps, only ate one granola bar and some popcorn along with a Slim-Fast shake, water, and coffee, and guess what? I still weigh 104. Aaarrrggghhh!

MONDAY, JANUARY 27, 1997 Just as I said it would, the phone did ring with that expected call. Tom just brought Mom to the doctor’s, cuz her leg and hip are troubling her. I hope she’s gonna be OK. Our families have had enough shit.

And I thought this year was gonna be great?! Who the hell was I kidding? My good vibe is gone, too, and if this whole year doesn’t suck, then I hope it’s a carbon copy of 1992. Then in 5 months, things would be great. Or at least better.

Mary and Dave caught Stinky, but I still don’t know if we’re getting him. We’ll see.

We had a visitor yesterday for a minute. I opened the screen door so that the birds could get the seeds that were wedged in the doorway. I held the screen door open with their bucket, but their bucket’s rather light now, cuz they don’t have much seed feed left. So, they were cleaning up the doorway and came in just a few inches into the carpet, when the bucket let go and the door bopped one of them in the back room. He stood in the middle of the room for a few seconds, glanced around curiously, then flew out, as I held the screen door open and motioned and told him to get out. Thank God these birds know me quite well, or else the bird would’ve panicked and bounced off of these walls and ceilings like crazy.

I guess next door did come in sometime last night. I heard a voice, I think, but I definitely heard them leave at 6:45 this morning. There was no music, but once again I heard about 3 doors slam shut, so he either put stuff in the car or they all left.

Last night I had quite a dream. I know this wasn’t just any old dream, either. It’s got to have meant something. Somehow, I just know it did. Well, in the dream, I guess I went to see a doctor. Don’t know why, though, but two male doctors were talking to each other. It was obvious that it was about me and that it wasn’t good. So, then it seemed that their nurse drove me home and I begged her to tell me what they were talking about. She first made me promise that I wouldn’t tell the doctors she told me anything and to act like I was to hear it first from them. Then she told me, I was right, I truly am sterile and nothing can be done about it. My reaction wasn’t that I was sad or angry. Not even shocked. I just basically had an I-knew-it attitude for a few seconds, and then I woke up.

I think that this was a dream sent by God and that it’s his way of letting me know I need not worry. He will take care of me and it’s not like he has to always make sure he’s available to protect me when Tom and I have sex. This is a preset thing that God took care of before I was born, so I’m wasting my time worrying. I do, though, at times, cuz that’s just my nature. That, along with the other reasons I mentioned.

Anyway, now that we’re in the storm again, I just have to sit back, and hope we can get through this and that it isn’t that bad or serious till the temporary eye of the storm rolls around again. I have a feeling, though, that this isn’t it. There’s more to this storm. The eye isn’t close yet.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 26, 1997 Got up a couple of hours ago and now I’m just relaxing. There’s not much to do now. I did get my email from Marla. All’s well with her.

I’m making fish sticks right now in the deep fryer. I have to wait for the thing to heat up. Then, they’ll cook up in just a few minutes.

I guess next door never returned yesterday. I peeked a little while ago. There’s no car there.

Tom said that the ceremony was nice.

When he first came home, he surprised me. It was the first time he just came home and initiated sex, without winding down first, cuz he hates to drive. The part that didn’t surprise me was that he didn’t get hard enough to get in there. So, even if I weren’t sterile, yesterday’s minimal shot couldn’t do shit. He still says he could get off two days in a row. Well, I haven’t seen that yet. What’s he waiting for? We’ll see what happens today if we have sex, but my guess is that he won’t get off again till the beginning of February. Nonetheless, it was a pleasant surprise that I didn’t expect and I hope today will be another pleasant day.

It’s relaxing, but tense at the same time, as I wait in the eye of the storm. The phone’s gonna ring any minute now and someone will be hurt, sick, or dead. It’s scary. All I can do, though, is wait. Wait till the next bout of trouble comes. When something breaks that either takes lots of money to fix or lots of time to fix if it isn’t something wrong with a person.

There is a possibility that we may be getting a hamster. Mary and Dave are getting dwarf hamsters and they’re smaller than Gizzy. That’s small! So, they want a special cage for them and to give one of their 3 hamsters away, but the one they wanted to give away, escaped. So, Tom said Mary said it’s my fault. He heard them mentioning this, and then he ran away. Well, I hope they find him (Stinky), cuz if they do, I’ll gladly take him and then Gizzy can have a roommate, too.

I called my parents yesterday and besides pictures, she’s also mailing a wooden rabbit that Larry carved in his grandfather’s cellar a few weeks ago. The pictures are of the two Larrys and Jen from when they were down in Florida about a month ago. I asked if they had any of Sandy. Ma said she’d look.

So, I let my folks know we’re fine, Bunny’s now 6 pounds, and we finally caught Gizzy.

Tom has a serious hearing problem. He asked me, “Who carved a rabbit in an attic?”

Now I wish I didn’t destroy the pictures of Larry and his family I had back when all that shit went down in ‘86, but I have no regrets about ditching Jenny C’s pictures.

Later…

This is just too damn weird. After I fell asleep, I got up twice for a long pee. Meanwhile, I shit twice, haven’t eaten that much at all and now I’m 105. What the fuck is going on?! This is so fucking frustrating. I’ve got to see a doctor soon.

Later…

Yup, God did it again. Who got hurt? Well, Tom pulled a back muscle while trying to access the leak problem. He’s OK, though, and he could even have sex. This is where God’s good side came out - I knew that DES or not, God would be with me and make sure he didn’t get off and he didn’t. Especially since he just did yesterday.

I am a worrywart. So sometimes I do worry. In spite of the DES and God’s plan to make sure I never have a child, I sometimes worry. What if God did slip up? What if, due to his busy schedule, he forgot to protect me? Well, I suppose he’d just kill it, but I’d hope he’d do that long before I even had a chance to suspect I was pregnant if he screwed up for some reason. I still believe that God does and can make mistakes and that he is not always fair. So, even though I do really know deep down I’m immune to pregnancy, so to speak, I still fear he’ll be unfair to me and make the mistake of letting me conceive. He has been plenty unfair to me in the past, but that was different. I guess you can’t really compare getting pregnant with the shit he let my folks do to me, the places he let me into, the people he’s sent my way, etc.

Anyway, I’m glad I’ve come to be content with the idea of a kid being just a thought and an on-and-off dream. That’s what dreams are for. Dreams are what make us human and if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that it’s OK to think, wonder, and dream. I don’t know that I’d go so far as to call it a dream anymore, any more than I would with the singing, but you understand.

I don’t always know if I should worry or remind myself that there’s no way I’ll ever conceive, so don’t worry. Guess I’ll always do a little of both.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 25, 1997 We had fun a little while ago. I had a nice big strong orgasm. I told God that I knew he was on my side about me not having a kid, so please don’t let him cum. Well, he did, but it was a very small amount, and realistically, I know I’m safe. His heart was racing and he said he didn’t get his money’s worth, so he asked for a half-hour break. I knew he was spent, though, and when a half-hour was up, he had fallen asleep, but that’s OK. He’s right on schedule, though. It’s been exactly two weeks since he’s cum.

The Jeep’s next door now. They better not carry on with their old shit today. The last thing I want to do is go back to being all stressed out at bedtime, wondering if they’ll wake me up. Well, if I’m remembering correctly, they haven’t woken me up since August and if they do, I will take care of it.

Yesterday was a beautiful day. It hit 72º and the warmer weather sort of stirs my nerves about the freeloaders. They’re hot weather people and as we get closer to March and April, I fear those obnoxious ball games will start up, along with some parties. Also, from March to October, he may be there daily. I still don’t know if his constant absence is a seasonal work thing or them not getting along.

Later…

Tom’s mom just called. She wanted to know how I was doing. I told her I was doing better and that I used the little booklet she gave me to copy in my songs. I also thanked her for the offer to fly me to New England.

She mentioned something about a sewing room being put in their honor (hers and dad's), cuz they helped make/give clothes to needy children. I knew about this, cuz Tom had told me. There’s to be a ceremony today. Why didn’t Tom mention going to it today? She said not to wake him up if he was asleep and he still was asleep. She said to ask him, though, if he gets up if he’ll call Evelyn and see if she wants to go.

Should I wake him up or not? Maybe I will if he isn’t up by 10:00.

Tom read my songs. He said he likes some and some he doesn’t like. He said that overall, he feels they’re too negative, but of course, I see them as very realistic and how I truly feel.

Also, Andy says that Fran’s still harassing Donna’s old grandmother every handful of months in Springfield. Still? He really doesn’t get it or take no for an answer, huh? Still the same old Fran. Fran, who is full of delusions, as we all know, believes Donna loves him and that she needs him. I always knew Fran was a desperate sucker, but I never thought, until I learned the hard way with that bogus Sabrina character, that he’d badger someone long distance. If I’d known he’d try to get to Donna, as far away as she is, I’d never have given out the number. I don’t know, though, if it was me or Andy who gave it out, but Donna really irks me when according to Andy, she said it was his problem. Wrong. It’s Fran’s problem. I told him to tell Donna, I’m sorry she’s upset, I’m sorry her grandmother’s upset and all freaked out, but if it’s such a bother to her grandmother, why doesn’t she either have the phone company trace it or change her number? I mean, Andy gave her all the suggestions that we could think of, so if they don’t want to take our advice, or do something to help themselves, that’s not our problem.

I called information to see if I could get Fran’s number to give it to them to call him, but as I figured, he’s unlisted. Then I tried Fahey. They’re the foster parents that Fran’s still in touch with and where he has his mail sent every few months when he moves, but they too, are unlisted. This is probably due to wanting to avoid and not have to deal with all those who’d call complaining about Fran.

Then again, if Donna or Andy (cuz I sure as hell wouldn’t do it and I’ll never care to) was to write to them or call them, that’d just egg Fran on even more. Fran doesn’t take no for an answer and doesn’t give up, but the more you react, the more he’ll harass someone. Also, if you complain about someone (especially an adult) to their parents or someone they know, that’ll make things worse (I should know!).

Once again, I can’t believe he’s only called me once since I last told him to fuck off for good, and according to my journals, that was in December of 1994. You’d think that for every call he made to the grandmother, he’d make 10 to me. He has to have lost my number and can’t remember my married name. Thank God, though, but this has definitely got to be the only reason he hasn’t called me in two years. What luck I’ve had, though. He must’ve moved at least 6 times over the last few years, so how he can remember the woman’s number and not the last name amazes me. Yup, I know he lost my number and can’t remember my last name, cuz if he could remember that, he’d call everyone listed in Phoenix with my last name.

Well, at least that lady’s got one thing on her side and that’s that Fran only has a phone for a few months here and there. As soon as he rings his bill up, calling 900#s, he’ll be without a phone for a while. I just hope that if he does call here, and if one of us does answer, it’s not Tom. He just doesn’t know that you don’t always have to be polite to everyone in the world. Therefore, he’ll be too kind and not just hang up immediately on him, which could very likely encourage him to call more. If he has my number and remembers my name, the only thing I can think of stopping him from calling is his belief (a true one, too) that I’ll just hang right up on him or his fear of the cops contacting him. I think the cops did talk to him when the Sabrina bullshit went down.

Later…

I just wish I knew what was the best thing to do. Part of me says not to wake Tom up, cuz he didn’t mention the ceremony. The other part thinks that maybe he forgot and really does want to go. I’m not sure.

It’s still hard to believe that Larry’s dead. I’m not going through the emotions I’m going through about it, anymore, even though my feelings and beliefs about it will never change, but at this point, it’s like it didn’t happen. It’s like it was all just a bad dream. It’s so hard to believe. Tom’s mom said maybe his life would’ve been horrible. Well, we’ll never know now, but I don’t see how it could’ve been. I wish I could know for sure that for some bizarre reason, yes, his life would’ve been horrible. That way, it’d be a bit easier knowing he’s dead.

Well, they still haven’t left next door, but they are going to come and go at least once. I’ve never known them to be home all day and not go out at least once. There were times last summer when he’d come and go several times a day. He’d leave 3 times, so that was 6 times a day I had to listen to his shit.

They must’ve come in quietly last night, cuz Tom didn’t mention anything about them this morning when I got up.

Guess I’ll go do some reading now.

Later…

I did wake Tom up at 10 AM and we’re both glad I did, cuz he did want to go and he’s there now.

Next door left and I didn’t even know it. I had last seen the Jeep at just after 10:30, then when I looked within the next hour, it was gone. Cool. Now, I just have to hope they don’t come storming in, but we’ll see.

I’m still thinking of making an appointment to see if I can get this water off me. I really believe it’s a case of both water and a metabolism that’s quit on me. I don’t even lose weight in my sleep anymore like I used to. At the beginning of the day, I used to weigh about 2-4 lbs. less than I did at the end of my day.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 24, 1997 Got up at 1 AM and the night sure has been off to a weird start. I felt absolutely freezing, so I turned up the heat and drank some coffee, figuring that’d warm me up. When I was still freezing and when the thermostat read 80º, I took my temperature out of curiosity. It read 97.5. Then I was still cold, so I bundled up in my waterbed for a while, got up, and still felt cold. Not quite as cold as before, but still cold. I took my temperature again, figuring it’d still be the same, but this time, it said 98.8. So, either I’m screwed up or the thermometer is, cuz I shouldn’t be cold due to the heat blaring in here. I also shouldn’t be above normal, either, cuz I’m not sick or infected.

I decided I’d change my wallpaper and screensaver weekly, instead of biweekly. I don’t have the patience to go biweekly.

I talked to Tammy yesterday. She wasn’t too thrilled with Mom and Dad because they just took off for Florida without even telling her. She said she was worried for two days, not knowing if something was wrong. That was rude of them.

So, after helping Lisa with her Spanish homework, I called down to FL. It was about 4 PM ET. Gene answered, Teresa’s husband. He said he’d let them know I called and then I asked him if he knew which daughter this was. Then he said, “Well, this isn’t Tammy.” See? We don’t have the same voice, as Tom insists we do.

Later, while we were asleep, they left a message earlier at 8:30 their time. Actually, they left Tom the message, as if I didn’t exist, except for when she said she’d talk to us “guys” some other time. It was a weird message. At first, it sounded like Dad hung up the other phone. Then mom says, “Hi Tom, this is your mother-in-law,” etc. Then, in the end, I could’ve sworn Dad yelled out either, “Hi Tom,” or “Bye Tom.”

Tom made a peculiar comment yesterday. It was peculiar, even though he’s said this before and it usually ends up not meaning much. He said I better be in shape to screw this weekend. What went through his mind when he said that? A tease? Something good? Something negative? He knows I’m around mid-cycle now, so what’s he trying to do in his mind? Does he think he’s gonna tease me by implying there’ll be lots of sex when there won’t be? Or does he still have his absurd belief that I can conceive and think that that’s just what he’s gonna make happen, no ifs, ands or buts? Well, we’ll just have to wait and see what he does, but it shouldn’t be too long from now, till I can tell if he knows more of what I’m thinking and feeling than what I may say.

Personally? Even though I have not a damn thing to fear or worry about, and even though I love to have fun, I hope he doesn’t get off Saturday or Sunday. Knowing I’m safe and will be taken care of, regardless of what Tom does this weekend or any other time, is enough for me.

I’m not trying to find a “proper path/destiny” at this time, like it or not, I realize that I am on the right path at this moment. If I weren’t, God wouldn’t have me here, doing what I’m doing. So, if he wants me to change courses and be a housekeeper or do some kind of job, he’ll lead me to it. Just as he did with the dancing, with Tom, among other things. I’m right where I’m supposed to be and it can’t not be OK with God, or else I wouldn’t be here. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that you can’t make a path for yourself, choose a fate or make a fate happen, or avoid a fate or a path. This is what I mean when I say not all choices are up to us. People don’t make careers, for example. They do and they don’t. Gloria didn’t make herself get into the music business. God set that up. Then she took it from there and worked her way up to where she is now from the starting point that God initially put her at.

I finished copying my songs into the journal Ma gave me. Tom says he wants to read them. I’ve made some changes/revisions.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 23, 1997 Marla sent me another message. We sure can relate to one another in lots of ways. We just don’t agree on how much we make our own choices. She thinks we make our own choices about everything. I think we make our own choices about some things.

She told me that she had been stressing out, trying to get pregnant to no avail. Then, when she made the appointment to see a doctor, she was pregnant. She said she thinks that seeing a doctor took the stress off her, and allowed her to relax so she could conceive. Yeah, well, now that I’m much more relaxed than ever, as far as that goes, that doesn’t mean God’s gonna stop doing what’s right and I don’t want him to stop doing what’s right. I no longer care to have the responsibilities, the burdens, the what-ifs, the fears, the doubts, concerning a child, be any more than just a thought. I’m not going to have a child, a child I can’t handle in the first place, only to see it become a victim of this world and God, while there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it, but stand by and watch helplessly.

We may screw this morning and I hope to hell he empties himself out, cuz we’re approaching that dangerous time. If he gets it all out this morning, it’ll be safe, cuz it’ll be too soon. Then, there’ll be no way he can shoot off again, as soon as 2-3 days, when I’ll be in that time frame. He needs 2-4 weeks before he can do it again. Deep down, I know that I still have nothing to worry about. I know God will take care of me. If there is any good in God, it’s that he knows to make sure I don’t conceive, whether I’m ovulating or not. He knows what’s right for me. He knows what’s best for me. In some cases, anyway, and this is surely one of them. So, even though, I’ve let my guard down, and don’t feel so desperate to conceive, I’ll still be safe and taken care of. Fate must remain fate, no matter how we feel, think, or believe. And no matter what we say or do.

I rescheduled Nielsen for February 6th, and I’m gonna tell you one thing for sure, and that’s that if I can’t make this appointment - fuck it. I shall take that as a sign telling me I don’t need to go and I don’t have any problems with the ear. I think I keep it clean enough, too.

I can’t believe this mouse. How can he keep running and running on his wheel? I mean, it’s like he’s a machine and not alive. How can his heart, lungs, and muscles take it?

I called Larry yesterday just to say hello and see how they were doing. He says he’s gonna try to return to work. I told him not to push it. It seems too soon for him to be going back to work. I hope he’s talking about this as much as he needs to and isn’t planning on drowning his sorrows in work. I wonder if he’ll drown his sorrows in something worse than work. Something like booze. I hope not.

Andy left a message saying that his mother saw it on the news and read about it in the paper and he said she gave her condolences to me. That’s nice. She asked Andy if my folks came up for the funeral. Amazingly, she didn’t know Larry was in touch with us again or even if I knew about this.

I’m sure even that asshole Michelle L knows all about it. I’m sure lots of people remembered the last name when they heard it. Not just cuz they may know Larry, but cuz of their run-ins and past dealings with me. I’m sure Jenny C knew about it, somehow, within hours of the accident (remember, though, I don’t consider it just an “accident” but a curse). I know Massachusetts and its surrounding states are small and that the cities and towns are small compared to cities like Phoenix, New York City, and L.A. But how do people always seem to know what’s going on with people? People they haven’t seen or heard from for years and who they’re not connected with in any way? When I got in trouble in Deerfield, it was in the Greenfield paper, the nearest biggest city. Well, it must’ve been in the Springfield papers too, although I didn’t think it would’ve been. Larry and Jen C knew all about that when that shit went down and even that bitch Joyce in the Carabetta office knew. As far as I knew and still know, no one that ever knew or that knows me knows Joyce. Yet, when I called and harassed her, she not only recognized my voice which she hadn’t heard in years, she knew about the trouble in S Deerfield. So, my guess is that she, Jenny, and Larry read it from the Springfield paper, not heard it by word of mouth. Shit, if I got a traffic ticket out here, I’ll bet my family in MA, CT, and FL would know, along with people like Jenny C, aunts, uncles, even distant cousins, and Joyce!

I still wouldn’t be the least bit surprised, if my parents had used their money and persuasiveness to get someone I was associated with (like Nervous, for example) to report to my parents all my happenings. I wouldn’t put it past them. That’s something they would do. Hell, for all I know, they could be getting reports from Tom, either by mail, phone or even Tammy’s computer. He still could’ve really held back his cumming up till last July, due to my folk’s mouths, and believe me, it wouldn’t have taken much. I doubt this or that he’d be reading my journals, he says he’s too busy to read them, and I think they’d bore him, but who knows for sure? Well, I decided long ago, that I’ve still got to keep going and do what I have to do, and not worry about people’s or life’s possibilities. I worry enough about other people and if I worry too much, I’ll never be me and live for me.

Later…

Oh, fuck! My temp’s up. This must be what Marla meant when she said it rises quickly at that time. It was below normal yesterday but now it’s above normal.

My fears are jumping back and forth. One minute I tell myself that God gives babies to those who don’t want them or that are too fucked up for them, but he didn’t do that to me 10 years ago, so why worry? Right? He’ll keep taking care of me and doing what’s right and not change fate, right? I’m not gonna tell Tom how I truly feel (unless he reads it for himself), cuz that’d only start a cycle of ridiculous problems and events. First of all, I know he can live with or without a child, but I don’t want him getting all upset, taking it personally or putting a guilt trip on me by denying me sex. I still enjoy our fun. Also, he may want to put one of our bodies through the unnecessary, pain, hassles and side effects of some kind of birth control, when we don’t even need it. Between God and the DES, I’m sure that if anything forms, it’ll be taken away before even a few weeks.

I’m sorry, but just like with the singing, I’d rather sit and dream/wonder about a child and what it all would’ve been like. I’m not gonna take on something I can’t handle, get sick and maybe lose my husband, too. I’m also not gonna have him and the kid go somewhere, then find cops at my door telling me they were killed by some crazed drunk driver or something. There will be no child and if I’ve reached my destiny and this is it - fine. I’ll take this over the past in a heartbeat.

Later…

We just screwed and as usual, he didn’t get off. God really is looking out for me.

Well, I’d write more, but I’m all written out.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 22, 1997 Just sent and got a message from Marla. She agreed that not many people would give a mouse a second chance, so she’s nicknamed him “cat,” since he’s on his second life.

She still says she hopes someday I’ll break out of the God-lets-me, God-gives-me, God-hurts-me mode, and understand that we make our own choices, but hey, I can’t help my feelings/beliefs. I still think not all choices are ours and that some of us have more control over our lives than others. I can choose what I eat, what I wear, what music I listen to, but for example, Tom and I didn’t choose to find each other. Therefore, I believe we were fated to meet. That meeting was God’s choice. Then it was our choice whether or not to do something about that meeting. Not all choices can we expand on, though. If God sterilized me, this doesn’t mean I’d have the choice of unsterilizing me, if I wanted to and believed that that was a wise idea.

She worries that I don’t look at the good in life, but believe me, I do. It’s just hard to focus on at times when things get that rough. She worries about my ability to handle things and my having someone to talk to. I don’t have a choice but to handle things and I’ve got Tom, Andy, her, and a few others to talk to.

She thanked me for the nice compliments from her “new little sister.” This is cuz I told her she was like a big sister to me, just like Andy’s like a brother, and how I appreciate her listening to me and her responses. Her posts are full of intelligence and understanding, with a good balance of a sense of humor. Especially when she said, “I got my period. God must be punishing me. (ONLY KIDDING!!!)”

I had to laugh my ass off when she said that one should be in shape during pregnancy for an easier delivery. How the hell can you be in shape during pregnancy? That’s the best way to get as out of shape as possible, cuz it does make you fat and you need that fat to provide extra nutrition for the baby. Most women still can’t lose weight after delivery, either, cuz that’s different than losing weight for other reasons, what with the way the ligaments and other things get so stretched out.

Why do she and Tom still think I’m gonna have a kid? You know how my feelings are on that subject now, and come on! It’s 1997. We’ve been together since 1993. If I wasn’t sterile, how would I conceive with my crazy schedule and with a man who’s cumming 1-3 times a month, and who needs 5 hours of free time with nothing going on, which is a very rare occasion? That’s how I know it isn’t meant to be, whether or not I want it. It’d have to be pure fate for me to conceive. God would have to have made sure that in the days of his not cumming, one made it up there and stood up there if he really wanted that for us and that’s just what he’d have done. Or made sure we hit it right between now and last July, so if we have hit it right, God’s making sure he knocks it out of me. Well, once again, after seeing Larry and Sandy go through what they’re going through, he can knock it out of me all he wants. I don’t ever want to have to go through that, and I know we would’ve had fate been different, cuz like I said, extraordinary, unusual and all that shit loves me and my family.

Marla also said it was a good feeling to be there for me and she’s glad our chats help. She says she’s amazed we’ve come this far. Me too. I’d have thought she’d have always hated me or not cared either way. She never hated me. She hates my mother, but I understand. I hate her most of the time, too.

Due to the age difference, just like with Larry and even Tammy, she wasn’t around too much. I don’t even remember her babysitting me.

Gizzy’s still adjusting well. He’s scampering away on his wheel right now. He’s still not too thrilled when I stick my hand in the cage and am gonna wait a little longer for that. He may never want to be picked up, other than in a box or that round clear ball. Mice never like people, just the things they get from them. They’re too stupid to love people like guinea pigs and rabbits can and do. When I stick my hands in the cage, he scurries around in a wild frenzy. I did let him run around in his ball the other day and he enjoyed that very much.

I talked to Tammy yesterday. They’re putting off Lisa’s birthday party till the weekend. She says the funeral went very nicely and that Ma’s taking Larry to the doctor. I hope he’ll be OK. I guess my folks are leaving this weekend. Don’t know for sure. I hope I get that article and pictures soon enough.

I told my parents of Tom’s mom’s very generous offer to fly me there if need be. They said they’d have done the same, too, if need be.

I finished the book Intensity, which was filled with just that. I’ve got two more Koontz books to read and will be starting the second one shortly.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 21, 1997 Will Andy ever stop calling me every day? I mean, I appreciate his concern for me, he is like family to me, but how many times can I tell him that I’m feeling much better now and that I really prefer chatting on the phone every few days? Every day is just too much. I’m either too busy or just don’t feel like spending 1-3 hours on the phone.

He offered to take me to Denny’s earlier. He said he couldn’t afford to treat me, but his offer was nice, even though I didn’t feel like going and we didn’t have much extra cash ourselves.

Like I told him, I’ve been feeling much better over the last few days, although my beliefs and feelings about God and this world haven’t changed and they never will. I’ve definitely gone from shock to sadness to anger to rage to numbness. It’s all so hard to believe still.

Yesterday, Larry, Sandy, and Jen should’ve gotten their flowers. We sent them right to their house.

Yesterday was also the funeral and now that he’s in the ground, I hope that the rest of their lives is nothing but peace and happiness. Tom says it was an extraordinary incident, but the extraordinary has a way of touching me and my family like you wouldn’t believe. It’s like the whole family always has been and always will be cursed and unusual.

I’m going to get a hold of Lisa as soon as I can since I didn’t get to wish her a happy birthday.

I’ll also type up a letter to Kim, who should be back from Florida now, and tell her what’s happened, as well as about Gizzy.

Speaking of Gizzy, Tom got him some food that’s especially for mice, and a little pink water bottle in a holder I’ve never seen before. It’s one you put inside glass tanks. He also got him a nesting pad to claw and gnaw on and a pretty pink wheel, that’s about 6” wide. This mouse absolutely loves it! He’s been going and going non-stop. He spends 90% of his time on it.

As I mentioned, I had put my journals into plain old boring, easy-to-read fonts, cuz they’re more complete and easier to deal with. However, in my grouped journals, I changed them to different colors: blue, magenta, cyan, red, dark blue, dark green, dark red, black, and purple. That way, when I’m skimming through them, I’ll know when I’m changing journals, as the colors change. I didn’t change their single-file colors.

According to Tom, at 2 PM, while I was asleep, the freeloader based in. He said it was reasonable for being during the daytime, but if it had been at night, I might say it’d be too loud. Well, I might say that if they’re up to their old shit again, I’ll be putting an abrupt halt to it. What’s weird about it, though, is that if it was really them he heard, they had to have left again quietly, cuz there’s no car there now.

Anyway, as I’ve said a million times, sex is when he wants it. Fine, but what about last night? We had several hours of being up at the same time. So, I asked him so I could understand him and point out the fact that there are plenty of opportunities that he doesn’t take. So, he explained to me that it wasn’t cuz of me, but that he felt uncomfortable in light of the death. I understand and I told him so. That’s where we’re a bit different, but neither of us would or could change the other. When the shit hits the fan, I like to do stuff I enjoy to keep me distracted and balance out happiness/enjoyment and just keep on living. He, on the other hand, puts aside the things he enjoys till he feels better.

He also knows how I feel about fate and that it’d be silly of me to try to make things happen or not make things happen when fate is fate. In other words, I won’t worry about trying to avoid sex at certain times. I have nothing to worry about, but maybe spot attacks. I doubt it, though, cuz if that were the case, why hasn’t it happened again? I think my body’s back to the way it normally is and how it was before he began cumming.

Tom did say he wanted to have fun in the morning. Fine with me. Once again, it’s so nice not to have to drop down on my knees and beg God to please keep me safe. He’ll take care of me. He’ll make sure no babies are conceived. And once again, it’s amazing seeing how Larry’s “extraordinary” situation has helped. To know we’ll never have to have a chance to go through that does wonders for me. It’s weird how one person’s tragedy can be another’s ticket to making something much easier for them to live with. It almost makes me feel guilty. Well, it’s not that this event has made my child desire go away, but it sure as hell has made it easier than hell to know I’ll never have one.

While I hope to hell no bad things happen (what a joke, huh?), I find myself also hoping no good things happen, either, cuz that’d make me feel guilty, too. Pretend I could get pregnant. And I did. Imagine how Larry and the rest of my family would feel? They’d no doubt be like, how dare you! How dare you suck up the joy of this new life when your brother and his family just lost someone. Tom disagrees with this, though, saying they’d want good things to happen. Well, it’s true that other people have a right to live, and life must go on.

Later…

I can’t believe I forgot to write about my talk with Larry. He called last night. They’re back home now. Naturally, he sounded tired and out of it, but wasn’t crying or blaming himself to me. I let him know I love him and am thinking of him and his family and am so very sorry this happened.

To my surprise but pleasure, he even said it was 3º at that moment as if to say he could use my laugh to cheer him up. I tried to give him the laugh he loves so much and believe me, he needs all the help and cheering up he can get right now, but it was quite half-assed. I tried, though, for his sake. I’m sure he understands that in light of the situation, it wasn’t easy for me.

I also spoke to Sandy who said to just pray for him and that she hopes he’s in a better place. She said she wanted him to be remembered and how he really had a zest for life.

Lastly, I spoke to Jen and that’s it.

They all sound like they’re hanging in there and doing better. As best as anyone can do under the circumstances. The funeral will be at about 8:30 today and Dad should be on his way there now. He should arrive at Bradley Airport just after the funeral. Then sometime over the weekend, I believe, Dad and Mom will drive back home and Teresa will fly home if she hasn’t done so already.

Today’s Lisa’s birthday. What a bum way for a 14-year-old to have to spend her birthday; at her cousin’s funeral.

MONDAY, JANUARY 20, 1997 Tom’s mom gave me a small, paperback journal with about 60 pages in it. She got it from the Diabetes Association, and she doesn’t need it, cuz she already has something to keep track of her diabetes.

After thinking about it, I decided I’d use this journal for the 29 songs I currently have. That includes the one I just wrote, a song called He Was Only Sixteen.

I spoke to my mother yesterday She told me that she drove straight to E. Longmeadow. That night, she was to stay at Boo and Max’s house, but in the midst of the -10º, she said it was, the boiler conked out. So the neighbors did their best to fix it to no avail. Therefore, she ended up in a motel in Enfield, CT. She didn’t check in till 2:45 AM. I don’t know why she didn’t stay at Larry’s house. Maybe she felt she’d be in the way there.

She wanted to stress to me that I was not being left out. I told her I understood that perfectly well, that I know she’s pretty busy, and that we’re not always here or available to answer the phone.

This is pretty much all she told me, but here’s something good. Remember the picture frame she sent? It matches two of the journals she sent with the stamps on them. She had told me to leave that frame empty, saying that there was a reason for it. Well, she’s gonna be sending pictures of Larry. I believe the pictures will be of the whole family and I hope so. She also says she’s sending the newspaper article on this tragedy. So, one of my wishes will be granted. I can’t see Larry, but I can now have a picture.

Thank God the pigs didn’t take a cruel turn by bringing Larry up on charges. We all know he’s an excellent driver and there’s no way this could’ve been his fault, or that he’d have been drinking or on drugs. He wouldn’t risk his son’s life, nor his own ass and business.

Andy’s been a wonderful support, as well as Tom. Always concerned about me and willing and wanting to hear anything I’ve had to say. Even Marla left me quite a post saying she felt for me and his family. However, she told me not to blame anyone/anything, just like Tom did, and said it was just an “accident.” Well, I disagree, but that’s OK.

I’m starting to feel somewhat better, although this is something that no one ever fully gets over and becomes “OK” with. Tom had told me that if we “pretend” I’m right about the sterility, that if I just accept how I feel, and don’t try to change my feelings, I’ll be able to live with it a whole lot easier. This doesn’t make much sense to me and I don’t agree with this. I think that the only thing that can help me live with it is looking at the negs of having a child and keeping in mind the fact that God kills young, innocent children with great potential and lives.

Like I said, I may take a child if that kind of fantasy and miracle happened, but no more will I ever take any measures to fight/obtain this impossibility. Anyone else may say it would be best to avoid this from happening, and this is easy for me to tell myself, but I know I need not worry. God has taken care of it. So, there’s no sense in avoiding sex during the right times, but I’d prefer to. It’s like with guns; even if you know it’s not loaded, you still shouldn’t point it at anyone. Well, in the past, I’d have pointed that gun. Now, I see no sense in even doing that. That’s just going against God, asking for more trouble, and all I can see is us losing any such miracle.

It’s both depressing and scary. The depressing part is when things are stagnant and empty and boringly still. The scary part is when the shit hits the fan. Who will die next? What will break next? Who will be hurt next? Who will get sick next? If it’s not a case of nothing going on and feeling like the world’s come to a complete standstill, someone’s in trouble of some kind. Or something is.

Now, onto better things.

Yesterday, Tom cleaned the bathroom sink too, with stuff that normally gags me out. He did a great job and it’s sparkling white.

He also made a dice game similar to the one I downloaded and had for a very brief time. Some games you download only operate for a short time unless you pay for them.

Lastly, he also found a few more pieces of info on Norah on AOL. She’s a vegetarian, she was in an episode of a series called The Hitchhiker last August, she’s read a book on tape, and there are some nude pictures of her. We can’t get these pictures just yet, though, cuz they’re in pay areas. He says, though, we can find them elsewhere for free. He also found info that I’d already stumbled across.

BOA was kind enough to give him tomorrow off cuz of the death, even though we’re not going back east and they know it’s back east. He’ll still be paid, too.

Now, here’s the best news, since this horrible thing started. And believe me, this excitement sure is a pleasant break from all the shock, sadness, anger and numbness I’ve felt these last few days.

Last night I was in the kitchen when I heard something rattling around the oven. Yup, it was Gizzy, who first came to our house two weeks ago. As I was opening the grill to see if I could see him, he darted out, ran behind the refrigerator, then scuttled behind the washer. So I set up the trap that Mary gave us.

The trap is a narrow tube that’s about 6” long. It’s in a slight V-shape. You put cheese in the back of it and set the door open, which is like a tent. It goes straight out, like a carport, with legs that go straight down. The end where the cheese is, is elevated. Then, once the mouse goes in, and goes to the back of it, the front lifts up, the door shuts and the legs that held the door up, slip under the tube and catch shut. This way, they’re trapped, but still alive.

After we trapped him, which to my amazement, didn’t take long at all, we put him into the bomb tank. This aquarium’s walls are about a foot and a half tall, but boy can he jump! He can make it just about to the top and he sure is a fast one. Small rodents love to climb and jump.

The phone’s ringing now. It’s got to be Andy at this hour and I wish he wouldn’t call me every night. I’m just not the phoneaholic I used to be, and I told him that.

Anyway, we found a small box for Gizzy to use as a burrow since they love that. I put a little bit of lettuce, carrots, pellets, paper, and even birdseed in. I even put a cap from a jar in with water and the ball they run around in. He’s eaten and even got some drinks. He does a lot of climbing around, on his box, on the ball and he climbs around the screen I put on top, too. His tiny toes go right through the screen, so he can enjoy a good climb, belly up, and get good exercise, but he can’t chew his way through it.

His tail is longer than his body. The mice I had were a bit bigger, too. Including the tail, he’s about 4 or 5 inches and will probably grow another inch. He’s a cute little one and he’s a grayish brown.

Tom and I researched the lifespan and it varies from 18 months to 2 years.

He’s quickly going from a terrified wild mouse to a calmer, braver pet. I still haven’t picked him up yet. I want to give him more time to get used to me, though I doubt he’ll ever let me handle him. I did have him running around in the ball, which he loved, and we’re gonna get him a wheel to run on when we can. That, he’ll really love, as do the smaller rodents. When he was in his box, I poured him out into the ball, put the lid on it, and let him run around in the kitchen. He’s still so small, and with him just being by himself, he can’t run around on the carpet so easily. At first, he was constantly jumping, and I told myself that I’d let him go if he didn’t settle in but now he’s much braver. He doesn’t always scamper into his box when I loom up over the cage. There have been times when he’s been out and about and I’ve put my hand against the cage, tapped it, and he just stood and stared at me, rather than tried to run.

I have quite the array of rodents now - a rabbit, a guinea pig, and a mouse, although a rabbit isn't technically a rodent.

I’m trying to work on 3 different things.

To keep in mind that while our marriage may be a full-time thing, our sex lives will always be a part-time thing. Part of marrying Tom meant marrying someone with a lower drive than myself, even though he denies this. Also, what with the way the shit continually hits the fan, we don’t have a choice. Also, sex is only when he wants it. That’s how it’s always been and always will be. He definitely prefers to be the one to do the initiating.

To turn inward and to talk less. I still feel some of the stuff I have to say is upsetting to him and that he can’t understand certain things I say and feel too well.

To only ask something of him once, then to just let him do or not do something about it.

His pickup-after-me and his reposition-things-after-me are just too much of an obsession with him to get him to break it. All I ask is that he says he doesn’t want to do something I may ask of him. Not say he will or that he���ll try if he really doesn’t want to. At least he’s gotten better. He’s way neater and organized, compared to when we first met. I don’t know how long the back room will stay as neat as it is, though. We’ll see. I don’t really understand this obsession of his. Maybe it’s just cuz he’s a man and men do like to be taken care of, picked up after, neatened up after, pampered, and served by women. I just wish he’d want to be served in bed more often. Especially during the times I’m hornier, which is pretty much every other couple of weeks. Once again, though, better not to aim that gun, even though it’s unloaded.

Well, here’s what I think, even though Tom has a way of pulling surprises at times. I’d say that he won’t want sex during those likelier times. He saw how much easier my last PMS was compared to my usual PMS ordeals, what with my not having to worry about God being up to his old tricks and having to be made to deal with some weird period or whatever. I think he’s going to remember this and want to give me a break, so to speak, for a while. I think he also still knows my fears and doubts about what a child could bring, and that losing Larry is so fresh in my mind. We don’t need to lose someone else, whether they’re unborn, a child, or an adult, and I hope it’ll be a long time before another person we love goes. I doubt that, but it won’t be our unborn or born child. So, with him knowing these fears and thoughts play on my mind, he shouldn’t touch me around the end of this week and the beginning of next. If he does, he should be nervous about the idea of cumming. No, it’s not like I want one of us to get fixed, cuz that’d be silly, putting sterility over sterility. That’s like giving a perm to a person with curly hair. If he touches me at those times, no, I won’t fight him, cuz I don’t want to upset him or have him take it personally and I still know there’s nothing to worry about.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 18, 1997 Now that sorrow and depression have turned to sheer, utter rage. I could probably beat the shit out of just about anybody right now. No matter how big they were, I could toss them around like they were a rag doll. And I mean with my bare hands, too. I want to take someone like O. J. Simpson, who doesn’t deserve to live, and with my bare hands, I want to slowly torture him till I finish him off.

I wish God would appear to me in human form, so he could tell me why he did this, among all the other BS he does, and let me have him face to face, but the murdering wimp could and would never do such a thing.

We all know that, unlike the rest of my body, my hands are very weak. They’ve got the strength of an 8-year-old. Yet when I squeezed Tom’s hand to show him how furious I was, I hurt his hand. For this, I feel so very very bad. I did this to a great guy who deserves to live more than most of the human population. He said it’s OK, he understands but I feel terribly guilty and mad at myself. I had no idea I could or would do this and harm him in any way.

I’m so mad right now that when I heard a car door outside, I was hoping it was next door and that they’d blast their music and give me the slightest reason and excuse to pounce on them like a bobcat. Well, there was no music, and what with these houses being so close, it may not have been them. It could’ve been across the street. There still is no car over there and as far as I know, there hasn’t been for just over a week.

I wish everyone who’d ever done me wrong was here right now. My uncles, people like Donna A, Barb D, and Barb I. There’s more, too, and I can think of at least 20 people. Boy, would I have a field day with them, and boy, would they be shocked beyond belief. I’d slam their heads into the wall, kick them, punch them, throw them.

Tom said I’m running away from this whole mess. I am? Since when is admitting how you feel and discussing it running away from it? Then he said that this isn’t the way to feel. It’s not? Last I knew, there was no wrong emotion. Some sicko with a fancy for children, well, that’s wrong. Some God or devil killing a 16-year-old with a bright future and who could’ve done or had anything is wrong.

Well, even though Tom and I don’t see eye to eye about Larry dying, he’s been a wonderful support and for that, I am ever so grateful. He knows I need to get it out and deal with it my way. Not what others think may be the best way. I need to go on with my life. On with my hobbies and yes, on with sex. No one’s stupid here. We all know I’d take a child, despite the happiness, surprise, fears, and doubts it’d bring, but I know not to expect that.

I also told my dad that if he needed anyone to bitch to about this ordeal, to please call me.

There’s something else that burns me up about this. If we had had a child who was killed, my parents never would’ve come out here. Not by ground, not by air. To us, if we were even communicating, they’d just say that these things happen. To themselves, they’d say it’s all for the better, both for the kid’s sake and for mine.

I’m also very sad that I still don’t have any pictures of either Larry, Sandy or Jen. Even sadder that I never got to see him. My folks have seen him a few times, Tammy’s seen him once, but I haven’t seen him since he was about 7 years old.

As far as when to call and talk to Larry and the others, Tammy suggested I try calling their house in Feeding Hills tomorrow. Maybe they’ll be back sometime tomorrow. I was worried that they’d think I didn’t care, but Tammy and others gave Larry and the rest my condolences and they know my heart goes out to them.

Later…

Naturally, I’ve let Andy know about this miserable situation. I’ve also left Marla messages.

And I thought 1997 was to be great? Who the fuck was I kidding?! It was nothing but pure old-fashioned wishful thinking. This year will be either worse or no better than any other year. Especially the last few.

What the fuck is going on out there right now? It sounds like a horde of people are slamming car doors right now.

Anyway, where was my fucking 6th sense when I needed it? Why didn’t I have any vibes? I was totally caught off guard, without warning. When Tammy called, I knew something was wrong. It was in her voice. I thought it was gonna have to do with Bill, though. Something within her household only. In the quietude of the wee hours of the 16th, there was no omen. No sense. No feeling. The air did not smell of despair. There was no feeling of any doom.

I’ve been smoking so much. Smoke permeates this whole house, but I couldn’t care less. I just keep puffing away. I feel I don’t care whether I live or die.

Speaking of death, I wonder who will be next? Is God gonna rotate back and forth between Tom’s family and mine? Is he gonna kill us off one by one? Why did this have to happen? Why did he have to die? Why is God so full of murderous hate? Only those who are also murderous and hateful, who live like God, with no guilt, remorse, conscience, fear or limits, get respected by God. They get long, healthy lives. They can have anything they want.

Why?!?!

FRIDAY, JANUARY 17, 1997 I have some very tragic news. First, though, I’ll go in order of events so I don’t get sidetracked and sound confusing.

Once again, no one’s been next door. Not him, anyway, but there are lights on over there at night. He was only there last Friday. It’s now Friday again; beware of the freeloaders. However, his constant absence has really taken the edge off of me. Especially when I go to bed.

I haven’t heard that little mutt across the way, either, but due to my schedule, it’s too soon to tell whether or not they gave a shit and did something about it.

Andy was over last night from about 10 PM to 3 AM. I did a couple of loads of laundry for him. First, he sat and chatted with Tom and me. He brought some candy and a necklace for me that he didn’t want.

After Tom left for work, he went on AOL to research Stevie. Watching him, with no real computer experience, was quite amusing. He had to hold the mouse with his right hand and use his left hand to click the left button. He was so shaky. At one point he asked me where the R on the keyboard was. I never noticed it was chipped and looked like a P before. I never look when I type. Overall, he did pretty well. He didn’t need me to bail him out of jams he’d get into too much. He was quite fascinated by the computer and how I could see when Marla came online, so I could zap her an instant message. At one point, while I was typing to her, he goes, “Oh my God! Look how fast you can type. You’re like a bionic typist.”

I told him that if he did straightforward typing for years and typed up over 100 journals, he’d be typing really fast, too.

Marla mentioned something about a virus on her work computer, and of course, I know nothing of those such things, so I told her that Tom would be off Friday and Saturday night and to call him then.

After Andy was done with the computer, we sat at the kitchen table with coffee and talked.

The next day, Tom and I went to the library in the evening. I returned the Laura books. I just couldn’t get into them. I got 3 more Dean Koontz books.

Now for my shitty

Later…

I was interrupted last night when Tammy called to give me the final news of this horrible tragedy that’s just happened. I’ll just get right to the point. Then I’ll take it from there.

During the early morning hours of the 16th, God killed my nephew Larry. He and Big Larry were driving on I-91 in Longmeadow, when Big Larry, who had been sick for a couple of months with the same lung problems I had back there went into a coughing fit, blacked out, and lost control of the truck, which rolled off the side of the road.

Big Larry was thrown from the truck and only received minor head injuries. He had to have some stitches but is OK. Little Larry was crushed in the cabin of the truck, I believe, and received massive internal injuries, as well as to the head. His pelvis was crushed. They tried to operate, and they removed his spleen. However, if he had lived, he’d have been a vegetable. He lost consciousness right away and never regained consciousness. He died less than 24 hours after the accident.

Big Larry was discharged from the hospital and last I knew he was at his in-law’s place in East Longmeadow with Sandy and Jennifer.

My sister, who has been my main informant through all of this, was also at the hospital and in East Longmeadow.

Yesterday, my mother’s friend Teresa drove Mom up to E. Longmeadow and they just arrived a few hours ago. Dad will be flying in on Monday.

The funeral will be held on Monday, and Dad will just miss it, cuz that’s the quickest he can get tickets and an open flight. This long holiday weekend has the flights really booked up. Teresa’s husband will be staying at their place with the dogs and he’s got someone to tend to the store. They’ll be having a Christian burial and Dad gave me the address of the funeral home, so we can send flowers there. I guess he’ll be buried in E. Longmeadow.

Anyway, if I’ve got this straight (and none of us may ever know for sure), big Larry never lost consciousness when the accident occurred. He had to have remained somewhat with it, cuz he called Florida to tell Mom and Dad what had happened. Then he was admitted.

Later…

Tammy just called. At this point, mom’s staying at Boo and Max’s house in Longmeadow, even though they’re in Florida. Tammy will be at her own house in CT, but for the next several days she’ll be driving into MA. From what I gather, Larry, Sandy and Jenny are still in E. Longmeadow.

Under the circumstances, she and Sandy embraced and got along fine. This is the first time they’ve seen each other in about 10 years. Maybe more. It seems like it always takes someone’s dying to unite family members.

Jenny’s been hysterical, afraid of losing others, which is perfectly understandable.

Larry’s been inconsolable, according to Tammy, which is also very understandable. He keeps blaming himself, saying, “I murdered my son.” We all know that this isn’t true, though, and that if there was anything Larry could’ve done to avoid this tragedy, he would’ve in a heartbeat.

I guess I was wrong when I said little Larry never knew what hit them. I guess that right after the accident, when he knew they were in serious trouble, he had said, “I love you, Daddy.” Then he went into a coma. This happened at 3 AM on the 16th, then he died at 2 AM on the 17th. Why he was out at that hour on a school night, beats me, but from what I hear, that was a common thing.

This is pretty much all I know at this time. Tom and I will be sending flowers to the funeral home on Monday.

Tom’s mom made the most generous and sweetest offer, which was to give us the money to fly there. Tom couldn’t, though, cuz people are using the next couple of weeks for vacation and he couldn’t get the time off from work. Only if it had been parents, grandparents, siblings or his children.

I asked both Dad and Tammy if they felt I was needed and if it was proper for me to fly in, but they said no. There’s nothing I can do. There’s nothing anyone can do. All we can do is hope that in time, whether or not Larry stops blaming himself, and I hope he does, Larry will be able to move on. I believe he will be able to and I have faith in his strength too. Sandy and Jenny need him and he needs them.

I don’t know what will become of the trucking co. I don’t know if Larry will ever want to see a truck again, drive a truck again, or if he’ll continue on with the business, knowing that that’s what Larry would have wanted.

I sure had mixed emotions about flying there. I want nothing more right now than to see my family and put my arms around my big brother and his family, but once again, there’s nothing I or anyone can do. You also know how I feel about the idea of going back to New England. All those bad memories. That whole stinking place with many more curses than I could ever endure out here, just waiting to chew me up and spit me out. That climate, so cold or humid.

This whole ordeal sure has brought a slew of emotions going through my mind. The grief over losing Larry. The grief for what the hell that family must be feeling and going through. My rage towards God and his shitty, mean, cruel and unfair ways. My anger and hatred for God and his ways with this world in general, have only increased, while my anger and hatred for how he’s dealt with me have decreased. As sad, as crazy, as infuriating, and as unfair as this ordeal is, it has made my sterility easier to accept than ever before. Knowing that we’ll never have to go through this kind of grief, can only make the way I am and fate easier to deal with. For if God had allowed me to become pregnant, he’d only have killed it for sure, sometime between when I was carrying it and when it was still just a child. This is all on top of how I don’t deserve it and couldn’t handle it and would’ve been a terrible mother, whose marriage would’ve been ruined or terribly strained.

How dare God kill my nephew, though! That kid was Larry’s whole life. Why did God have to kill this young boy who had the sky as his limit and potential? He could’ve had anything he wanted, been anything he wanted. Meanwhile, he’s left me alive and brought me back from the brink of death a few times. Me. Me, who has no life and no future. Me, who’s lived her life, reached her peak, can’t go no further. Me, who has no destiny or purpose. It’s just so sick. It’s just so unfair. He was only 16.

I suppose everyone else must be feeling how I’ve been feeling. That this is just a nightmare they’re gonna all wake up from. This is one of those things you hear about happening to other people’s families. Not ours. From 3000 miles away, I can feel their tears. Feel their grief and their loss and their shock. I can hear their cries.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 15, 1997 I know I haven’t written much. Here’s a brief rundown of things that have been going on. I’ll expand on them some other time.

We went to the library where I got some books on the life of Laura Ingalls and a Dean Koontz book.

I also checked AOL for web pages on Charlie’s Angels and more.

Andy will be over tonight at 10:00 to do his laundry and to research AOL for Stevie stuff.

Anyway, I’m now on the Slim-Fast diet plan. A shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, and a reasonable dinner. I can have up to 3 reasonable snacks too, but I’m gonna try to avoid those.

Thinking I was having more of a period and more water coming off of me, turned out to be wishful thinking. Yes, I had somewhat more of a period than I did last month, but this water retention is just absolutely ridiculous. Not to mention the fact that my metabolism has seemed to have retired. For a couple of days, I weighed more after most of my period had gone through than I did prior to ragging. I’m still left with a huge water belly and even my tits never lost all their soreness like they usually do. So, if I have no luck with this plan I’m on, then yes, it’s time to see a doctor to see if there’s a reason for all this and if there’s anything I can do. I have a feeling, though, that this is one of the classic examples of something I have no control over. I think this is just another one of those things that God controls and not me, where he does what he sees fit with my body, and to hell with what I think, feel, or want.

I’m still trying to change my way of thinking and believing and trying to look for signs that say God’s just looking out for me, not trying to punish/hurt me. For example, back when I used to think the responsibility of a child would be good for me and seemed like something I should have/do, I never looked at it differently. Now, I see that that’s not the case. I may be an undeserving person still but take Evie, for example, who’s gonna have her baby any time now. Now that’s someone who deserves a baby and who can handle it and who really can benefit from the responsibility a child brings. She doesn’t have bad lungs, she can keep a schedule and she can work consistently. I see now, that a child wouldn’t have helped stabilize me, it would’ve killed me for sure. For I do not only not deserve it; I could never handle it and I believe more so now than ever that yes, God’s just protecting me and our marriage. He wasn’t denying me something good; he was denying me something dangerous. I can’t and won’t speak for others, but for me, he’ll do whatever he can to make sure I don’t get dished out something I can’t deal with. Even if I do have to deal with something for a while that nearly kills me and drives me out of my mind as the NHA did.

I still do fear God and am angry with him over how he deals with the world in general, but I’m not as angry with him for the way he’s dealt with me. I just hope that this “I don’t care” attitude, which I’ve been slowly evolving into, continues. It’s what I wanted for a long time and it’s easier this way. The more I couldn’t care less about what happens or doesn’t happen to me or my life, the less I feel angry or hurt when something does or doesn’t happen. I just want to be as dreamless and as goalless and as carefree as possible. To hell with ever going to a doctor, no matter how I feel. That would be going against God in a big way and asking for trouble. That’s also something that’s wrong and that I don’t deserve, as well as a hopeless thing to do.

At least I can trust God to continue to take care of me. If I’m not as sterile as I believe I am, he’ll make sure we never hit it right. Then my life can go on being easier and safer if you catch my drift. Meanwhile, there’s no point in trying to change Tom of his beliefs or to try to convince him of anything. His beliefs are of no apparent harm to us. Also, as time goes on, and he sees we’re still childless year after year, I can’t see how that would hurt or anger him in any way. He’s never been the sore loser that I had been and that I’m trying to never be again. If he can’t get something he wants, he deals with it and accepts it with such amazing strength and moves on without a problem.

I called Larry’s house and he wasn’t there. This is why I began trying to reach him a few days ago. I called him at work. The other Larry answered, saying he was in a meeting. He said Tammy called too, 10 minutes ago. I told him not to worry, since we already spoke and since I know he got my card.

Like I started to say earlier, I checked out AOL for Charlie’s Angels info. I printed out a few pictures and put them into Journal 125. In case I didn’t mention this before - Charlie’s Angels was a huge hit series in the 70s. It ran from 1976-1981. I didn’t care for the angels that replaced the original 3, but I liked Farrah Fawcett and Jaclyn Smith. However, I really, really liked Kate Jackson. It was a series about 3 sexy detectives and she was definitely the best.

I also was able to find a picture of Norah, too. These pictures printed out shitty, but it was fun playing detective and seeing what I could find, anyway.

I just tried going onto AOL to see if I got any mail from Marla and it said it was temporarily down, to please try again in 15 minutes. That’s what they said 15 minutes ago.

We went to the library Monday morning and it looks like I may have a second favorite author. Dean Koontz. I may have read one other book of his that was turned into a movie, but I’m not sure. Anyway, in two days, I read a 305-page book of his and it was great. Better than even some of John Saul’s books. The ending was a bit abrupt, though. It kind of left me hanging, wondering what was to happen. Usually, there’s some kind of epilogue, giving you some kind of idea of what may happen in the future.

Tom cleaned the tub, which I noticed when I went to take a shower. It looks beautiful and now I’m sure I can keep up on it from here on out. What did he use on it, though, that didn’t have any harsh fumes, which would’ve woken me up for sure?

MONDAY, JANUARY 13, 1997 I absolutely don’t fucking believe this! The back room is leaking like hell! I thought this was supposed to be old news. Now I’m wondering if he ever really knew what he was doing when he worked on the roof, or if he was just showing off. I know how smart Tom is, so what happened? Well, I’m sure it had nothing to do with him.

Tom left me a message saying he’s very sorry this has happened, he’s sorry he was wrong about what he had thought was the source of the leak. He also says he understands I think we’re cursed and that it’s compensation for the good things that have happened, but to please not be so negative and have an I-told-you-so kind of attitude. He says this problem needs to be solved and he may have to tear down a section of the ceiling to locate where the leak is originating.

It’s originating from God. But why? I thought God and I were on better terms since I changed my way of thinking and my attitude about having a kid. I learned to see the good of not having a child. I learned to see that all along he was only protecting me and looking out for me, so why? Why must he harass us? Why can’t he just leave us alone? Why does it have to be one thing after another? How could God be so mean after all the hard work Tom put into doing the roof? What does he want from us? He knows we can’t do anything he doesn’t want us doing and that includes hitting it right and me ending up pregnant. I even agreed to help miss it and to go along with God and do right by him, so what did we do now? Is that what I get for agreeing to go along with fate, accept it, and live with it? Is this not only compensation due to us getting Tom into a better shift with more money but is it cuz Tom believes differently than me? Is it cuz he refuses to see things the way I see them and to go along with God? Isn’t one of us going along with God enough? Either way, we can’t fight God and win, so what the hell’s going on?! Why does God hate us so much and want to continually pick at us? We just want to get on with our lives and I, at least, agreed to not fight God and I know that I must live life according to God’s wishes and standards.

I hate God. I really really do. He is nothing but an evil motherfucker. Something up there is, anyway.

Well, at least one thing went my way. I was thinking last night how it was a hell of a first for me not to need any Ibuprofen and to have such a super light period and only need liners. A few days ago, Tom had said that I still may spot, even if we don’t do anything. Well, I don’t know if he was joking or serious, but he was almost right. I was in between spots and a light period. I decided last night that if I didn’t have a full flow, I’d make an appointment for a PAP and to see if I could find out why my periods were so light and why I am retaining all this water. You see, God is going to have to at least try to meet me halfway occasionally and I decided that if I must have all my periods, which is fine, then I want them to be normal. Not these half-assed things that keep me a water balloon and I really think the water’s connected to the light periods. However, I woke up with a full flow and needed an Ibuprofen, so that’s good. Some of the water’s come off, too. Not as much as I’d like, but it’s better than nothing.

Later…

Tom just got up and is eating now. I made a deal with him and told him that if I promised not to bitch about the roof, will he at least consider my theory and belief? He said he’s not saying that I’m wrong or right or that he’s wrong or right, but that whether it’s a curse or not, it needs to be fixed. Yeah, it does, but if it’s a curse, can we ever drive it away so we have fewer problems and fewer things to fix?

Also, I still believe it’s too scary for Tom to consider the possibility that I may be right about the curse, God’s intentions for us, and my sterility. He just doesn’t want to believe this, but in time, he’ll have no choice. Still, though, he may deny it was a curse or cuz of God and say it was just cuz things turned out that way.

Yesterday, I was curious to check out the history of Little House on the Prairie and the whole story behind Laura Ingalls and her family. There was tons of information. It was like - wow! I even printed out a list of all the 204 episodes, which contained a brief write-up about them. See? That’s how many episodes each series would do back then. Not just 10-20 of them.

I’m also gonna check and see what kind of sites they’ve got on Charlie’s Angels.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 12, 1997 Well, I sure do have some interesting things to update on, as some of my birds spy on me from the window above me.

First of all, Tom finally cleaned the back room yesterday. That makes about 6 times, between the two of us. It looks great and I made him promise not to trash it yet again, but we’ll see.

We screwed yesterday and we both got off.

He agreed that the reason I had such an easy PMS was due to not having to worry about spot attacks or any other weird occurrences, even if they didn’t necessarily mean something was wrong. Once again, each period gets lighter and I retain more water. This one’s so very light and I haven’t even needed any Ibuprofen yet, this time around. I think I’ll soon be making a PAP appointment, not for an exam and to ask about conceiving, but for an exam and to ask why each one gets lighter and why I’m so watery before, during, and after my periods and see what they suggest.

Yesterday was a fun and productive day between sex, Chinese food, and getting the back room done.

Upon Tom and I discussing our families, I realized a sad, but true fact. If I died, what would my parents do? Flip a coin to decide who gets to go to my funeral and who gets to stay back to tend to the store and their dogs?

Speaking of coins, Ma gave us, as well as Mary and David, some old coins that Dad had collected. They’re not worth much, but they will be someday. I don’t know if we’re gonna keep them or what? That’s up to Tom.

It’s still been very quiet next door. I did notice the Jeep had finally returned at around 3 PM last Friday, but I haven’t heard any music. I don’t think the Jeep has been there at all since yesterday. The way they’ve been is a total dream come true, even if most of my wishes granted aren’t the ones I desperately wanted most.

We spoke to Tammy yesterday cuz she left us a message. Her computer CD-ROM went out, so it’s being fixed and she’ll be without it for a few weeks. Yuck! She also had a question for Tom about a friend’s computer.

I asked her what she’d been up to and her response was, “I’ve been fucking plowing!”

Ha! Ha! She says they got 6” of snow.

Then, I figured I’d better start trying to get a hold of Larry to wish him a happy birthday, but he was out, as usual. I spoke to Jenny and Sandy. Sandy said he was in PA picking up a couple of new trucks. At first, I was thoroughly confused and asked if he cut himself in half and drove the trucks back that way. Then Sandy informed me that he took a couple of drivers down with him.

I told Sandy I called for two reasons. One was to start trying to reach Larry to wish him a happy birthday and the other was to rub in the nicer weather here. She was like, “Shut up! From now on don’t call me till May.”

I told her, though, that we’ve had some chilly days, too. It’s really a dull and dismal day out there now. She wouldn’t tell me the temperature there, but she did say it was under 30°. They didn’t get the kind of snow Tammy got.

I told Sandy about the mouse we had had in here and I thought she’d be all freaked out about it, but she says she’s a major animal rights activist.

She burst out laughing when I told her all about how I botched up the pie I had tried making when I was sick. She says Larry still talks about the pie he dropped all over their living room floor.

Anyway, I think I’ve remembered everything Sandy and I discussed.

Later…

I got in touch with Larry. I told him I had been pretty confused at first, about how he was getting the trucks back from PA. He said he went down himself, drove one truck 10 miles, then ran back and got the other, but got sick of that cuz it was -20°. Naturally, that was my cue to burst out laughing.

I told him about the pie incident too, and then he was impersonating Tammy (all her medical problems).

He’s been sick for a month and a half. He says he had to take antibiotics and that he may have had bronchitis or walking pneumonia.

I spoke to Andy yesterday, too, following a pretty confusing and funny incident. He asked me to tape his outgoing message, so I did. Then he called to ask if I put it on his machine, too. No, I told him, but he played his messages and it was there, too. Then I realized what had happened. After I taped his outgoing message, I thought I had hung up before his machine could record anything, but as I went to play back his message to make sure it came out OK, it got picked up on his machine.

I just realized something. I think I forgot to mention that the last time Andy was here with Michelle, they brought a couple of things. Michelle had a rolled-up funny note she wrote with a few orange lollipops taped to it. The note was a bore, though, cuz the paper was all crinkled up, making it harder to read and her handwriting wasn’t that great.

Also, Andy brought over a coat from Laura. It’s a nice colorful coat that’s good for this time of year. Especially at night and in the mornings.

Later on, I’ll get into the Laura Ingalls site I checked out on AOL.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 10, 1997 It’s so cute watching Bunny play with Piggy. They still like to clean each other, too. Piggy doesn’t like it, though, when Bunny tramples him. Piggy has calmed down quite a bit due to his age, whereas Bunny, who’s just a baby, even though he’s gotten so big and weighs about 4 pounds, is quite playful.

This is so weird (yet I love it), but there’s still no one next door. Where are they? Well, I hope they stay away, but I also hope they don’t move, seeing how quiet they’ve been over the last few months. A part of me wonders if they did split, but why would they do that and leave their stuff here? Maybe they got in trouble or something, but I haven’t seen or heard anyone else coming to check on the house, so who knows? They could simply both be on vacation and be visiting someone. I picture these people to be originally from someplace like Chicago or L.A. Something tells me more like Chicago.

Right on time. Here go those fucking dogs. Obviously, they hear the people in the house get up at this time (which seems like the time to get up with a house full of little kids and a daycare business to run), then they go off cuz they want to be fed.

I think I figured out why this has been the easiest PMS, as far as the emotional part goes, in quite a while. It’s cuz between the last period and this one, he didn’t get off. So now I don’t have to worry about a possible spot attack or some other kind of weird incident playing on my mind. It’s probably mostly a subconscious thing, but there’s nothing that can be in the back of my mind to worry me this month. Before, I’d just never quite know what I was in for. I could only be sure of not getting pregnant, but as for any other weird happenings, abnormal or not, I just never knew.

I never thought I’d say this, but a part of me wishes he’d just go back to not cumming. Sometimes we get something we’ve wanted, then wish we could go right back to the way it was before. No, I don’t wish to go back to MA or back to being alone, but his not cumming really takes a load of stress and worry off me. Maybe he has gone back to not cumming. We screwed again yesterday and he didn’t get off. We did it on his bed and he didn’t have the energy to do it on his bed, cuz it’s harder. On the waterbed, the water helps him to move back and forth a lot easier. It takes half the work off of him. Meanwhile, a 39-year-old trying to bump it in and out on a very hard bed, that’s pure hell on him.

No dorky "tail" on my ass. As you know, I’ve had this very small piece of hair that was just slightly past the crack of my ass. Meanwhile, the rest of it was about 3” shorter and it looked pretty stupid. It was so uneven, so I took 2” of that long piece off and now it looks much more even. Still uneven, but not nearly as uneven as it was before. I’m not gonna say anything to Tom, cuz I want to see if he notices it. It’ll take a month or two for it to return to where it was, but at least it’ll look healthier and even. It seems like my sides haven’t been growing much, but hopefully it only seemed that way due to that clump of hair being a few inches longer. Hopefully, once the very back that I just trimmed returns to where it was, I’ll notice that the sides will be even with it, too. If God forbid, the back returns to where it was and the sides stay where they are - fine. I’m not gonna hack the tail again.

Anyway, my hair is in much healthier condition than it was for a few years there. Those end treatments really have made a difference.

Maybe someone is next door after all. I just peeked out the window and cuz there’s barely any sunlight yet, I can see a light on over there. Maybe she’s been there, but not him. Then why haven’t I heard her come and go? Why haven’t I heard a car pull up to get her and drop her off? Boy, she’s gotta really have someone willing and able to deal with picking her up and dropping her off, what with the fact that she’s got no car. Imagine living in a house with no car. She could walk to a bus stop, but that’d be a real pain for her to haul her kid along and you’re talking about a 10-minute walk. Then she’d have to bus it to wherever she leaves the kid all day, then to her place of work.

Could the light just have been left on, if they’re both gone, for security? I don’t think so, cuz I would’ve seen the light from the back room, so I’d say she’s been there and he hasn’t been there. Guess he’s either in trouble, working elsewhere, or just not getting along with her.

Now here’s some really cool computer news. Well, those Gloria pictures, as well as one of Norah’s, have been set up so I can use them as either wallpaper or a screen saver. It is so awesome! I have two picked out now. I used to have these pictures, as a matter of fact. I junked one of them like a fool when I first came here and the other ended up being dumped courtesy of my mother.

Well, the birds ran out of seeds yesterday and Tom picked them up some more this morning, so since they’re up now, I’ll go feed them.

Hello There,

I don’t know your name, but my name is Susan and I’m a nearby neighbor.

First of all, I’d like to say I’m sorry for your loss and I hope you’re getting along OK.

I’d like to ask a favor, though, if I may, about the dog tied up to the trailer. Well, don’t get me wrong, I love animals, but is there any way you could please lessen the barking? Some of those in my household are working nights and need to sleep in the days. I hope you understand how it is.

Take care and hope you had a nice holiday season.

Sincerely, Susan Reynolds

That you just read, is the note I stuck in the mailbox of the house with that trailer dog, which has started up again.

The “I’m sorry for your loss” part of it is due to him losing his mother. Gloria, that woman behind us, who came to see us when we had our tag sale, said that that’s what the case is, anyway.

This dog’s bark is so totally obnoxious and they are so cruel, too. Once again, how can they hear themselves think? I thought I heard voices, as I approached their mailbox slot, but once again, how can they talk to each other over that shrill of a bark? Geez! Anyway, I know it won’t do a damn bit of good, but I just had to do something and feel like I tried. The good thing about it is that if they don’t give a shit about the dog or my complaint, and I don’t expect them to, that trailer and that dog are in perfect easy access. It’s right on the street. So, if they want to sleep at night in peace, and I know they sleep in that trailer, they better think about it. Also, anyone can just walk right up to the dog and snatch it (I wish they would) or do something to it. Well, maybe the fact that the trailer and the dog aren’t in an enclosed area and anyone can get to them without being seen, or without them being able to do anything about it in time, will help get something done about the little pipsqueak of a dog, but I know better. I’m gonna have to do something myself.

Maybe the reason why they don’t have the dog in the yard is cuz there’s already a dog there and maybe they’d attack each other. That leaves shutting it up in the trailer or taking it into the house and all hell would break loose if someone in Arizona actually had to bring their dog into their house. That’s a no-no out here.

If I knew it wouldn’t bite me and that if I could release it from its leash, it’d run away, that’d be great, but I ain’t getting near that dog. Not without a gun and I don’t have one. I don’t want to hurt the dog, I just want them to shut it up. If it takes threats to the dog and the trailer and maybe an egg or two to the trailer itself, then I just may have to do that, but I hope not and I don’t want to. If I were seen doing anything, who knows what they might try doing to our house. Well, we do live in a world where most people don’t care about their pets and where more than most don’t give a shit about their neighbors. I’d say that there were only about 3% of the neighbors I’ve ever had who cared and wanted to get along without bothering anyone, as well as not being bothered by anyone.

I’m just about 99% sure they didn’t see me deliver them their note. All their front windows have tin foil in them and I don’t think their open side windows matter, cuz it’d just look like I was walking from or to anywhere in that area. Besides, I think they were absorbed in themselves and chatting to really think twice about seeing me walking down the street. From their front sidewalk, though, they couldn’t have seen me. Only on the street. Well, if they figure out who I am, then they do, but I suppose I’d prefer to be unknown.

Also, I think I did hear a car door shortly after 7:00 from next door. Then when I checked again, I don’t think I saw any lights, so someone is picking up her and the kid.

Later…

Yeah! The trailer just left. Now all I have to listen to for now is those other two dogs and there’s nothing that can be done about them. All I can do is hope they die, or someone else kills them, or that the owners realize how cruel they’ve been to their dogs, as well as how rude they’ve been to their neighbors, but that’ll never happen.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 9, 1997 Well, I don’t have much to say at this time. Just that there still hasn’t been anyone next door that I can see of, so that’s just great.

I also haven’t heard anything from that trailer.

I cleaned the hell out of this place today since it really needed it. It just wasn’t something I was able to do for a while cuz of how we were sick.

I also made Tom up a list of all the Gloria pictures I want to have as screen savers and wallpaper on my desktop.

I started adding whatever I could think of to our list, which we’re soon gonna revise, of all the stuff we’d like to buy and do.

Tom had gotten a jar of nuts (he hates nuts) from work during the holiday season. It was a pretty triangular glass jar, too, so I put my different colored beads in them in order and it looks really neat, with all the pretty layers of colors.

Well, I guess that’s it unless you want to count Robin telling me that 1997 will be the best year of my life. I think that 1992, 1993 and 1994 were the best, even though they had their problems, too. She says, though, that 1997 will have fewer problems, I have no idea what I’m in for and it’s to be way more exciting and better than I could ever imagine. She says there are about 3 or 4 events that’ll be happening that won’t be any kind of settlement, either. She says I’ll be totally thrilled about them.

Oh, please! I mean, we’re both feeling better overall and happier about having more money and time together, but how much more can happen? What could possibly happen that’ll make this year so wonderful? Will we win the lottery? I don’t expect it to be a bad year, but how great can it get? I’ve lived my life and have basically done the things I wanted to do that were possible for me to do, so what more could I expect or ask for? I don’t expect to be off the cigarettes and on a normal schedule. We won’t be moving this year. Once again, we’ll just have to wait and see, but I really think it’s a little late for any kind of serious or grand changes. Well, if it’s an actionless year, I’ll take that over a chaotic year.

I conquered a fear of mine and did something earlier that I had never done before. I did laundry in the dark. I still shined a flashlight around, though, to make sure there were no spiders that I could see. I got all the sheets and blankets washed, now that we’re better, and I dusted, vacuumed, and cleaned the bathroom. Tomorrow I’ll do the kitchen appliances.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 8, 1997 Tom and I went to Osco Drug at 2 AM. It sure felt weird being out with him at that hour. It’s been a long time since we were out that late.

Anyway, I picked up b-day cards for Lisa, Larry, Sandy, Jen and Andy.

I got the fans on now cuz the dogs are gonna start their shit any second now. Also, that huge motorhome is here now like they are half the time, so I expect that squeaking thing’s gonna bark, too.

Come to think of it, why haven’t I heard that dog? They’ve been here at least every 2-3 weeks for a few days, but I don’t think I’ve heard that dog for a while. They just got that dog, though, within the last 6 months or so, so why would they not have it? Maybe it drove them crazy, too.

No freeloaders next door. In fact, I’m not even sure if she and the kids have been there since Sunday. If I’ve got this right, they’re usually there Wednesday - Sunday. At least to sleep, anyway.

We screwed earlier and he didn’t get off. Guess he either didn’t miss sex very much or I was out of practice and not up to my usual standards.

Very faint, but noticeable pre-cramps have set in. I hope this each-period-since-last-July-being-lighter streak ends. If this period’s lighter than my last one, it’ll barely be a period at all. Then I can really be backed up with water.

Yes, I think I will mark my charts with those 3 things: the dates of my rag, when I’m mid-cycle, and when he gets off. I’m only mid-cycle and ragging once a month, but what with the way he rarely cums, it won’t be a hassle to keep track of.

My cold is just about gone now!

TUESDAY, JANUARY 7, 1997 I still feel like I did yesterday and I’d say that yesterday and today have been the worst of the cold. My lungs and throat have been fine, but my nose has been really freaked out. My whole head, actually, has been stuffy and it feels like my head is so heavy and I’ve got that feeling where it feels like my whole head is swimming. My ear is clogged up and sounds are so much softer, yet louder sounding. I even had to maximize the bass on my stereo in order to be able to stand it and you know I hate bass.

When I first got up I sneezed my way through waking up and showering, but since then my nose has settled down. I used that nasal spray and put a new nasal strip on. At least the air quality isn’t as bad. We haven’t heard of any pollution advisories being in effect, and I think there may have been some wind and rain, so that’ll clean the air up.

Neither of us has seen Gizzy since that time we both saw him book from the living room towards the bedrooms, but I’d think he was still here and alive.

I’ve had the aquarium on its side with 5 pellets in it and there are still 5 pellets in it, so he hasn’t been eating those. The reason why I put them there is that I was hoping he’d go for the pellets, then I could tip the cage right side up and trap him. Then, I’d either keep him in an old birdcage I saw out in the storeroom that’s off of the patio or let him go. I think that there are big enough cracks in the back door for him to get out. Those huge spiders have gotten in that way and he’s about the same size. He’s just a baby mouse that’s about an inch or two long. However, he may be too stupid to try getting out that way. He did try it a couple of times the first night I saw him, but then when I went to open the door and left it that way for a while, he didn’t leave, so we’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

Tom has been wonderful at helping me through this cold. It sure beats being all alone like I used to be back east, dealing with colds that were way worse than this, and having no one who gave a shit or who could deal with it.

I’ll be getting Tom up at 1:30, cuz he’ll be going in at 4 AM.

Later…

Tom got up a few times cuz his belly was acting up. I know he’s not intimidated by work, responsibility or people and that he gets along with people very well, but I wonder if it could be a case of new job jitters? He said it’s possible since he’s only human. Now that takes a hell of a guy to be able to admit that. Like I said, there’s a bad kind of macho and a good kind of macho.

At least he could succeed in just about every job possible, whereas I’m warier of people cuz I don’t like or trust them, think they may play with my head, and don’t get along with most people. That’s cuz I’m either too different or they always have some kind of problem with me. They think I’m a defensive bitch, but that’s OK. It’s true, for the most part. You could say it’s mutual. What was I - somewhere in my early 20s when I basically thumbed my nose at the general population, deciding I was too good for most people?

He did his list for April. I highly doubt it, but since I knew there was at least a slim chance he could’ve peeked at mine, I held the envelope up to the light and I saw: You are pregnant or…

Let me guess, after the “or” comes “are about to be.”

That’s cheating, in a sense. He’s so determined to be right in some kind of way about that, that that’s probably why he stuck that in there, but that makes no sense and doesn’t count. I mean, you’re either pregnant or you’re not pregnant. There’s no “on your way to being pregnant.” Maybe if you have a date with Invitro or something, but other than that, you either are or aren’t. Anyway, as far as he’s been concerned, since early ‘94, I’ve either been pregnant or on my way to being pregnant.

I think I also saw “I love you.”

How sweet. At least he knew when he wrote that, that he had to be right on at least one of the things he wrote, huh?

Later…

To continue on with the list I mentioned earlier. I did mine a few days ago, folded it up and put it in an envelope. Then, I told him to do his and put it in the envelope (without looking at mine) and seal it up and I’d put it in the file box.

A tiny bit of me suspects he could’ve checked out mine, cuz of the way he told me not to peek and open the envelope. Sometimes it can be human nature to tell a person not to do something they’re not supposed to do, that you’re not supposed to do, either, but that you may have done. I think that once I see his list in April, I’ll be able to tell if he checked mine out or not. It depends on how opposite from mine his list is. He has a way of being quite an opposite doer/sayer for the most part. It depends on what it’s about. If I say we should kill those wearing green shirts, he’s not gonna agree with me, but if I say something about somebody seeming mellow, for example, he’ll probably say he thought they were high-strung.

As I was going through my journal groups and adding their years, the different fonts finally got on my nerves and I made them all into a basic and simple font. From here on out, though, I can use weird fonts, cuz then I can see, as I type along, which fonts are complete and which aren’t. I have a pretty good idea of which ones are more complete, but if I’ve used the degree sign for say, number 77, I may forget that the degree sign’s there, and change it to a font that doesn’t have that. So, I may use some harder-to-read fonts, but for the most part, it’d be easier if I used those that weren’t too fancy. I can save those for letters.

I forgot to mention that I tried calling Paula a couple of days ago and her phone’s disconnected. I guess she did move, but why hasn’t it been turned on at her new place? It looks like she owed some money on it and lost her phone. She’s a lot like Fran was. She has a phone on and off. Since she hasn’t called me, I’d say there’s a good chance she lost my number. A ditz like that could easily lose someone’s number. Especially when they’re moving. As for her writing to me? If she’s got the address, she probably is too stupid to do so and doesn’t have the time. I don’t know how well she can read in the first place. She may not be very literate. I’d say she did get the letter, cuz it was never returned to me, but she may have lost that, too, and can’t remember my last name or his first name to look us up in the Phoenix directory. I tried to get a number on that friend of hers on Liberty Street she mentioned, but there’s no listing. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see, but if I can’t talk to her again or for a long time, at least I got to chat with her a few times after not being able to for 6 years.

Later…

If only those damn dogs would disappear. You hear them on and off all day in the winter and on and off all night in the summer. Why hasn’t someone done something about it? I can’t believe no one has. I know I’m not the only one who can’t stand to listen to them. They probably tried calling someone and got the same run around I did and didn’t want to bother with the hassles and with not being able to be anonymous about it. Well, at least they can’t wake me up and I can use music or fans to deal with them.

God’s been really good to me as far as next door goes. He’s not home every day, but when he has been, I haven’t heard any music. My guess, at this time, although Tom says there doesn’t have to be a reason, is that he did blow his speakers and doesn’t have the money for new ones now. I hope it’s not just a seasonal thing, as far as him not being there as much. I still wouldn’t be surprised if they came alive again once or twice a month from around April to September, but maybe it’s not just his work that’s keeping him away more often. Maybe they’re not getting along.

Anyway, my nerves have really really eased up as far as their shit goes and now I can even go to bed without fearing or wondering if I’ll be able to sleep. I can’t believe, though, that they only woke me up a few times since they arrived last March. Yes, they’ve been the best ones to be next door since I’ve been here and if they stay like this, I hope they never move. It’s when they calm down and shut up, though, that they do move, but I hope not. If they go back to ever playing their music at a volume that can be heard 5 blocks away, well, then that’ll be a whole different story. I also hope there are hardly ever any loud 6-hour parties, too.

Bunny has a game he plays with me. Most of the time I walk by the end of the cage when I either come from the kitchen or go into it, he runs to the end of the cage for his nose to be patted. It’s so cute.

Kim called earlier and she didn’t even recognize my voice. I told her I had a cold and that while I could breathe, my nose was still stuffy. I’m only hearing at half a volume still, too. She says she’s dumped Bob, but we’ll see. She says she’s not gonna tell him something like she’s moved to Florida, then have me write and say I heard she was killed. She says she wrote to him just over a month ago and that’ll be it. She says that if I tell him she was killed, he’ll kill himself. I doubt that. We thought he’d kill himself or be killed in jail and he’s still alive.

He sent her 10 stamps. That’s really pushy. I mean, he really is trying to get her into writing to him, huh? At least she gets free stamps out of it.

Kim still feels he’s innocent, but I don’t. Not with his mouth. I know that most guys that talk sex all the time are sluts, but he did say he had a kid and I know there’s no such thing as a childless child molester.

Kim also says she thinks she’s got a cold coming on, too. That sucks. She will be going on her annual Florida trip, though, to see her brother and her grandmother.

I’ve been wondering more and more about Paula losing her son and almost losing her other son. What really could’ve happened? She says it was her sister that called DYS on her. Well, seeing how much the court really favors biology over the child’s best interest, I’d say something big had to have gone down. She says someone suspected he (Robert) was being molested and that she doesn’t know if this happened for sure or who could’ve done so if it did, but I think I know what really happened. I know Paula’s violent streak. I’ve seen her constantly yell at that kid and even slap him really good a few times and I think she beat up on him and the sister (as well as others, probably), saw bruises on him. She was constantly telling Justin during our phone conversations that she was gonna punch him in the mouth if he hit her or didn’t settle down. I hate to say this, but here’s the making of a couple of classic lunatics. I mean, those boys are definitely gonna be so very likely to grow up violent and hating women.

I haven’t had any pre-cramps yet, but they should be well on their way. Hopefully, I won’t be a basket case soon, though, but I’d still say I’ve been feeling much better mentally on an overall basis.

MONDAY, JANUARY 6, 1997 Well, here’s the third day of this cold. Once again, it’s still a fairly easy cold and I’m still able to be up and doing the usual, but yesterday was a bitch. I couldn’t sleep due to my nose running like hell and that was making me depressed and frustrated and I was really wired out.

Then Tom started mentioning nasal sprays and I just laughed cuz those have never worked worth shit for me. Anyway, they have new ones now and I’m glad he let me let him talk me into getting a nasal spray, cuz it really helped a lot so I could finally get to sleep.

I forgot to mention before that his ma gave me a really cute calendar. It’s got drawings of cats and dogs and she thought I might want to try to draw some of them. We’ll see, but lately I haven’t felt like doing much of anything, since colds really drain you. I’ve basically just been at the computer, writing and listening to music. Today, though, I am gonna try my best to get as much of this place cleaned as I can. If I dust, vacuum and air this place out, it should help.

Tom and I both saw the mouse, which I call Gizzy. He was in the living room and then he ran for the bedrooms, but I haven’t seen him since. He hasn’t eaten any of the pellets, so how is he surviving? I’m amazed he hasn’t starved yet.

Well, I just can’t think of anything else to say at this time, so maybe I’ll go do some drawing, work on copying in Andy’s journal stuff or continue putting the years in by each of the entry dates on the computer version journals.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 5, 1997 Still no getting online and I probably won’t be able to for a while yet. It’s Saturday night, so there’s a lot of traffic. I have AOL brought up and on my title bar, so I can keep trying here and there.

Andy says he wants to come over sometime to look around for stuff on Stevie on the web.

Oh, great. I mean, I don’t mind him coming over and I’d like for him to visit more often, but I hope this doesn’t become a regular thing. I also hope he’s not constantly asking me, look up this, look up that, cuz then if I can’t find something, I’ve got to bug Tom and I think he has enough shit going on.

Tom says he feels better physically and is psyched about his schedule and feels that’ll really improve our lives. Well, we’ll see. The question is if it does improve our lives - for how long? How long can he go without being sick? Without being tired a lot of the time or having some kind of injury?

He mentioned missing sex and wants that whenever we can find the time for it, but I don’t know. I still don’t like the idea of a part-time sex life, but perhaps it’s better than nothing and I should just take it. Yes, it can cause problems between us, and who knows if I’ll spot again and have to deal with that shit, but it’ll make him happy, so that’s something to think about. Also, I have been adapting to sex in waves over the last year or so, and sex in waves is what this relationship has always been about and always will be about. Well, I told him I agree to have sex here and there, cuz I know it’s what he wants and that it’ll make him happy.

He also says he still wants a kid and that it won’t take a toll on us, etc. We can handle it, he says. Well, here’s where he’s got a problem cuz I can’t give him a child whether I wanted to or not.

He says he’s gonna do up his list for April 1st and that he’s gonna be right on every one this time. Sorry hun, but there’s not a chance in hell of that happening. I know for a fact that I’ll be right on every single one I wrote down. The only one I could possibly be wrong on, but I highly doubt it, is the improved financial situation and that’s cuz every time you get more money, something comes up or breaks, and that money you got goes to that. He says there’ll be extra money for fun stuff and if one of us needs new shoes or something, we won’t have to wait on it. I hope this is true and I think it just may be. As for the other 5 things I saw, though, there’s no way I’ll be on a normal schedule, not smoking, pregnant, or get up the guts to see a doctor when I’m right about not being pregnant, or that he’ll be cumming more than 3 times a month. That’s just totally impossible. There might be a month occasionally where he gets off 4-5 times, but that’s it. All else I said is inevitable and etched in stone, but that’s good, except for the smoking and the schedule.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 4, 1997 Believe it or not, I have a cold now (it feels so weird to be able to say, “Believe it or not!”). So, I’ll write as much as I can. I’ll be pausing here and there to see if I can get onto AOL. I tried to log in a few times and it was busy. I have stuff I’m gonna look up for Tom, as well as stuff for myself.

It was yesterday that I first began feeling a little off. It’s part of the plan, though, and God knows it. He still doesn’t want us to have much time together, no matter how we think or feel. Next, Tom will be sick all over again, and there’ll be one thing after another. The only good thing about it is, is that we’ll have more time to deal with one thing after another going wrong, due to how he’ll have more free time cuz of his new schedule.

I revised my list for what I see happening from now till April 1st to the following:

I’ll still have a crazy schedule.

I’ll still be smoking.

Our financial situation has improved and will continue to.

You’ll still only cum 1-3 times a mos.

I won’t be pregnant.

I won’t go to a doctor (too chicken to).

Later…

Still no getting through to AOL. Speaking of AOL, I have some pretty cool news about that. Well, Andy and Michelle came over last night, so that was the first time I met Michelle (she’s between plain and cute, but she’s pretty heavy). The computer was on, so she went to look up some actress at a site I never thought to look in. So, I then did that with Gloria, Linda and Norah. I didn’t find any new info on Norah, but I found an awesome web page on Gloria that had all kinds of beautiful pictures. There were 6 photo galleries, so I downloaded about 24 out of the 30 or so pics and printed them out in different sizes. I have some in my journals and some bigger ones in a photo album. I put them in those protective sleeves, as I did with some of my drawings. I also checked out Linda’s web page and that was pretty nice too, but the pictures weren’t nearly as nice as Gloria’s. Tom says he thinks that that’s not Gloria’s only web page. Yeah, I believe that. Unfortunately, they don’t group things together very well and since everything’s so scattered, you just have to hope you can find all of whatever you’re looking for.

My parents called last night. Ma’s right when she said everyone was sick. It seems like the whole country’s sick. Larry gave one of his drivers Christmas off, so he did a delivery to Miami and stopped at their place with the kids along the way. He’s still sick and the kids are, too. At first I asked myself why the kids would go if they were sick, but the answer is probably so they could spend time with Larry. Larry’s so busy so much of the time that he’s hardly ever home. Larry and Sandy are both very devoted to their kids, but Larry’s also a workaholic and probably doesn’t want to spend too much time around Sandy.

Anyway, as I was talking to my folks along with Tom, I saw something on my leg and said, “Oh shit.” I thought it was a baby bee and kept trying to kill it by swatting at it, but it just seemed to come back to life and resurrect itself every time it looked like it was dead. Ma was laughing, no doubt cuz it was me and not her who had to deal with that. She hates bugs, too. Anyway, the thing turned out to be a rather humongous ant.

My parents also said the bingo marathon sucked. They said it was too long, the food sucked and they didn’t win. They wish they’d gone to a party they were invited to, instead. So, that makes 4 people whose New Year’s Eve sucked.

We had an interesting houseguest yesterday that I noticed after he went to bed. We’ve got a mouse hanging around here. I saw it dart by a few different times last night. It’s such a cute little thing, too! Then I didn’t see it for several hours before going to bed, which I did at around 7 AM. I haven’t seen it today yet, either, so maybe it found its way back out.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 3, 1997 Just worked out for the second day in a row.

Earlier, I typed up letters to Larry, Kim and Anne and Harry. I sent one out to my parents yesterday.

Now that Tom’s getting better, what’s the new crisis? He accidentally forgot to write in an ATM withdrawal he made, so now we’ll be tight till the 15th. At least we won’t be for months.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 2, 1997 Geez! What a great start to the New Year. The waterbed heater went on the fritz, but he fixed it. Now the page-down key is getting stuck on me.

I wonder if ‘97 will be like ‘92? The first half of ‘92 sucked, then it got great.

No action next door yesterday, so that’s just fine.

I had money dreams last night, and as I said, money’s one of the predominant vibes I have for ‘97.

I still wonder why God let Tom cum on my birthday when my feelings about having a child were different? Could it be cuz I called that meeting line and he still favors bad things mostly? I don’t know about that, cuz I really didn’t do anything bad. Just played with people’s heads and he didn’t really reward me for waking up Springfield for all those years, either. He took away my sleep for doing that, so no, he definitely doesn’t reward me for doing wrong. Most others, yes, but not me.

I also got curious, despite the fact that I don’t want a child anymore, and I researched some stuff. You ovulate the exact same number of days (14) before your period, regardless of when your period is. From what I could see, he didn’t get off when I would end up ragging 14 days later. Just that first time he did. I get it. God’s looking out for me by keeping his appetite/cumming low and making sure we always miss it, rather than put me through the hassles of a problem occurring where I’d need surgery. That’s cool, but it’d still be nice to not have to deal with periods. I figure I have about 300 more periods to go before they stop, so, my question is this. Will God always make sure we miss it? I mean, I know and trust that he’ll always protect us and keep us from hitting it right, but it’s scary at times. I mean God is such a busy person, so what if he forgets? I guess that’s silly of me. He’s supposed to be able to do anything.

I thought about telling Tom I no longer wanted a child and all the reasons why, but what’s the point? I realized that there was no need to explain something to him that wasn’t a threat in the first place. If I didn’t trust and know God was making sure that a child wouldn’t happen, then I’d have to tell him and then we’d have to figure out what the best method of birth control was for us.

Remember how last summer we both made a list of stuff we did or didn’t see happening over a 3-month period of time? Well, we’re doing that again, and here’s my list of predictions for April 1st, as well as a condensed breakdown of the predictions:

I’ll still have a crazy schedule.

I’ll still be smoking.

Our financial situation will have improved and will continue to improve.

I’m not sure if I’ll be working or if we’ll have lost weight.

You’ll still be cumming only about 1-3 times a mos.

I still won’t be able to conceive and we will both become OK with this as we realize that it’d be both unfair to us and to a kid for us to have one with the way our lives are full of one thing after another. I will have chickened out of seeing a doctor, out of fear of what God would do to us for rebelling against him. Due to both our desire for a child petering out, you will not encourage me to see a doctor and tell me not to be so superstitious. We will also realize the toll a child would take on us and our lives and when we remember my ear, my asthma, your colds, and so much more, it’ll smother our desire for a child all the more, so we’ll both not want this taking a toll on our lives, time and health or income. Cuz a child is so very much not meant to be - we are blessed by God with the fact that we’ll never need to deal with the hassles and side effects of any kind of birth control.

I will still have a crazy schedule.

I will still be smoking.

We will be better off financially.

We will continue to be better off financially.

You’ll still cum 1-3 times a mos.

I won’t be pregnant.

I won’t go to a doctor.

I’ll be OK with not having a child.

You’ll be OK with not having a child.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 1, 1997 Phoenix, AZ Age 31

Well, 1997 came in in a rather shitty way, thanks to Mr. Melodramatic, who just has to take out how he feels on me. Hey, I’m sorry he’s so sick all the time and tired and aching, etc. But it’s not my fault he feels as he does and there’s no need or excuse for him to take it out on me.

Less than a minute before the ball was to drop, the tape ended. I was gonna restart the recorder but said nah. Then, just as it was getting real close to dropping and just as “the window” was starting to open, he had to reach across me, distracting my view of the TV and the premonitions I may have seen, to hit it recording. So I told him, no, it was fine as it was. Then he jumps up and back into his chair, rubs his hands against his head furiously, and it was just such a childish, emotional thing. I mean, can’t he listen?

So, I got all pissed off and right after the ball dropped, I left the room. A few minutes later, he comes in turning it into an attack on me, telling me I’m yelling at him every day, he’s put up with me for years, and my asthma and ear, I was blaming him for being sick, etc. He did say he was sorry he didn’t listen and that he had no idea what was happening.

I told him I was sorry he’s sick and I understood that he didn’t know I was starting to have flashes of future visions, but that I’m sick of his taking his colds out on me. Also, I never blamed him for being sick, but that’s his way of lashing back at me. He can’t just say he’s sorry. He has to blame me for some bogus thing, carry on so dramatically, and try putting a guilt trip on me, all cuz I got mad at him cuz he wouldn’t listen.

Yeah, well, I can tell you this. I get more and more psyched that God blessed me and loved me enough to give me this built-in birth control system. He couldn’t handle a kid any more than I could. He’s too tired, he’s too sick and he won’t have to put up with any more shit than I can help. If he thinks the ear and asthma are too much to deal with, how did he ever expect to deal with me being pregnant and having a kid? I think he’s just getting too old to deal with certain things and his body obviously has a low tolerance for some things, as well as a higher one.

Anyway, I still have that good feeling about ‘97, but it’s not too strong. I’ve had years start off shitty (like with 1992) to get better as it got farther along, but truthfully, I see nothing changing this year. I think everything will be the same as it has been lately, with the exception of his shift change, more money, and some new things here and there. I certainly can’t see myself working, and I know there’ll be no kid, but thank God!!!!!

I’m sorry I spent so much time being angry at God. Yes, I still think there’s too much unfairness in this world that God should control or help or whatever, but the more time goes by, the more I see he was only protecting me and doing me a favor. And Tom, too. And what makes me all the luckier, is that I didn’t have to have an unwanted child first, and then have to deal with the hassles and side effects of some kind of protection. There are enough other women out there who like me, do not desire a child, think they won’t get pregnant, and then end up with a child they never wanted only to get on some kind of protection when it is too late. Then, unlike me, they have to live through their childbearing years with the hassles and side effects that come with that.

Also, when the New Year rang in, I went out back and could hear firecrackers and people cheering.

Someone had Christmas lights wrapped around their palm tree a little ways down and it looked really pretty.

So, I hope that ‘97 brings enough peace, health, and happiness to this household. After all we’ve been through, it’s time for that.

Later…

I talked to Andy for a while. For more than a while, actually, since he keeps going on and on about Quinn and Laura. I don’t mind listening to him, though, at all.

While he’s definitely changed for the better over the last few years, there are still hints of the old Andy there. I guess we all have traits that are set for life within us. What I mean by this is that he went on and on bitching about how he and Laura had a fight like he used to bitch to Brenda and a million other people about our fights. He still confronted the source first, though, and told Laura how he felt, so that’s good. A lot of the time, he wouldn’t even come to me first in the past. I’d find out from someone else that he had a bone to pick with me. I would tell him to be careful whom he told what to. Not cuz I’d give a shit what they thought, but cuz of what they could do to me with the knowledge. People can use certain things they know about you against you. For example, if a neighbor knows you don’t like heavy metal music, and gets pissed at you, wouldn’t they be likely to blast heavy music then? If you’re interested in meeting someone and they know someone who knows about your not-too-cool background, well, then…

I think I know just what Tom’s cum smells like. I thought that if I ever got the chance to smell it, it’d smell like bleach, but it’s a weird odor I can’t even begin to describe. I remember back when he had his own room and how it’d stink in there, so I finally asked to wash his sheets. The sheets he said he washed regularly that I believe were really on the bed for many months before they were washed. After he came, though, I think I remember the room smelling like that. So, I just did his sheets, which were put on his bed last Saturday, cuz I noticed that smell and now it’s gone. So he can have fun while he’s sick, huh? I guess it’s easier for him to do himself, rather than go through the motions of screwing me at his age and with being sick.

As much as there are a million things I love about Tom, he still has a few traits that really piss me off. He told me he has no regrets about dealing with my ear and other stuff, even if it was tiring on him, but he felt that I couldn’t deal with his being sick. Yes, it’s true. I do admit I’ve been a lousy wife and nurse and I haven’t done shit to make him better. All I’ve done is suggest cold stuff, seeing a doctor, and I’ve made him some hot chocolate. I made kugel (spelling?) for the first time last night, too, which came out good. He had some, too.

I did tell Tom, though, don’t come to me, as he did a couple of nights ago, and tell me what a wonderful wife I’ve been and how great a job I’ve done at taking care of him and helping him through his colds when we both know it’s bullshit. I don’t like the casual lies. An example of that is his pickup-after-me obsession. I walked up to their cage and found their water bowl in the middle of it and not at the end and out of their way. So I asked him if he knew about it and he said he saw the water was empty, filled it, and then put it back in the same dent in the sawdust made by the bowl. Now, unless Bunny moved it, that is quite an obvious and casual lie and Tom knows that all a person has to do is just deny something they’re accused or asked about and what else can one do? Just not believe them.

I can’t even ask him for little things like to please not get crumbs on his chair in the living room. They end up on his chest and he stands up and then they fall off here, there, and everywhere. And I can’t even ask him to stop getting crumbs on the keyboard and mouse pad, cuz that’s such a big deal, too. He can’t even do that and what pisses me off even more is that he says he tries his best. Well, I’m sorry, but he’s much too intelligent to not be able to do this. And then I’m even more pissed off at the fact that he can’t just come out and tell the truth and tell me he doesn’t want to do what I asked of him. I hate it when someone says they’ll do something they don’t want to do, rather than just tell me they don’t want to do it. We all have our quirks and obsessions, so why he has to deny/hide this, beats me.

I feel pretty bad for Andy. Guess that new dealer didn’t work out, so now he’s still running to Quinn for weed. He’s still having a hard time getting over him. I told him that we all go through different phases in our lives and I think he knows that dreams are for the dreamer and that reality is for the living.

At least I can say that as far as my life goes, I’ve never felt better in a long time. It’s so nice to be “dreamless” for a change. I can handle things I think about a lot or imagine a lot or think I might like to do or that may be nice, but it is such a relief not to have to be burdened and tortured with a constant desire that’s impossible to act on and make real, 24/7. The anger, the depression, the frustration, was just too damn much. I thought it’d never let me go and out of its vice-like grip for a while there. I must’ve done something right along the way that God really agreed with, for him to let me off the hook and get out of doing my so-called womanly duty.

Anyway, Tom agreed to call a doctor if he gets sick again, and until and if I see differently, I know that after he’s better for a few days, he’s just gonna get sick all over again. He’s exposed to a lot of sick people at work and Ryan was sick at Christmas. How rude of him. He knew he was sick, yet he had to stand over Tom at the computer and breathe all over him. I still can’t believe I haven’t been sick yet, but God help me if I do get sick, cuz guess who may very well be paying me back?! He says he doesn’t lash out at those who lash out at him or give them what he got from them, but I never believed that for the most part, either. Once again, though, all he has to do is deny that. That way there’s no having to deal with my reaction and then he can keep on denying whatever, too.

He’s watching TV now and I’ve just been staying the hell away from him. I don’t want any bullshit now.

I can see, though, more and more what a shitty mother I’d have made if God wasn’t looking out for me. I’d be terrible at taking care of it if it were well, let alone sick. I wouldn’t even know what to do with the thing.

Later…

Everyone’s sick! Tom’s mom is sick, too. He says he thinks he had a cold and then got hit with the flu. That happens, but after this, what will he be hit with? I know God may have a lot of love for us and things to bless us with, but all must be balanced out, and he does like to give us one thing after another to have to deal with.

He just offered to play a few card games which he won all of. So that was nice and now he’s in bed.

I feel like I’m forgetting to write about something else I had in mind, but can’t remember it at this time.

[nessie31]

Why is it that the best days can also be some of the hardest emotionally?

I guess because we know they won’t be like this forever. And I know that sounds so depressing and morbid, but when you start seeing the writing on the walls it’s hard to erase it away.

I’m going to say the thing I shouldn’t say. The thing I’ve been avoiding voicing out loud or putting into writing. Because if I don’t say it, I’m going to fucking explode.

I love C.

They aren’t mine and I know I shouldn’t, but I do. I think I always have. I know I did back then and I was too scared to admit it. Scared of what it would mean. Scared of being turned down. Scared of messing up things for both of us.

But God, if I knew then what I know now, things could have been so different.

I don’t regret things; I hate regretting things. Cuz there’s no point. Regrets don’t change anything. They can’t fix what’s been done.

But God do I regret that. I think we both do.

Why is it so damn hard to get things right?

I know they say everything is clear in hindsight. But it feels like I’ve been doing nothing but making very permanent decisions and getting them wrong at every fucking turn.

Don’t get me wrong, I like my life. I am contented.

I’m sure if I go back through these posts I will find another one, or more than one that have these tones and thoughts. But after shit with T yesterday and the conversation between C and I after today, it’s got these thoughts all messed up in my head.

So much of this I’m editing to protect the corrupted, so it’s hard to really get out exactly what I want to say and what I feel.

I wonder if they’ll ever read this. If I’ll ever be brave enough to share it. Probably not. Not without desperation. But either way I don’t think I could do that to them.

What purpose would it have? It won’t change the way things are. The only thing it can do is cause hurt if they feel the same and uncomfortability if they don’t.

I doubt they’d read it anyway….

Okay, moving away from dark thoughts because that gets me nowhere. Focus on today was good. Like, really good.

I didn’t realize how well C listens and pays attention to what I want and like and ask for. I figure most of our conversations were just fun, meaningless except to play.

I learned today how wrong I was.

C listens, and takes in everything. Just waiting for the perfect time to use it or show it.

God today was good.

I wonder if I can get them to do it again this week.

I’m gonna finish this before I get all mushy school girl.

[lifewithsyfe]

Lifting the Veil

Not quite sure how to put this into words, but someone else needs to know what I know. This story can save people and I won’t feel right until it’s consumed by as many as possible. I can’t express how many times I’ve tried to get this out. I almost even gave up on it, but God wouldn’t let me. So, let me make another attempt at it - this is how I escaped the devil:

-

It was a Friday night, April 5th, 2019. 

I’m at El Rey on U street NW DC, having a few crispy beers by myself. Just got off work, taking it easy...

-

Then, I end up running into and old “friend” I used to hangout with. Known him for about 7 years at the time: (Dave) - tall, black, dreads, above average build.

-

After a couple of drinks, he asks if I want to hangout at one of his friends house. Said we can smoke there and that she has a lot of drugs. 

So I accepted cuz I was originally going to let the night unravel on it’s own and it didn’t sound like such a bad idea at the time.

-

It was a habitual routine I developed during my heartache…

I’d go out alone, run into a group of people I knew, bar hop ‘til we ended up at an after hours spot (or someone’s place) and shamelessly sleep my next day away.

-

So we get to the front of his friend’s building and she’s like a 60 something-year-old lady: 

(Robin) - fat, white, short, blue hair, top row gold grill and “ride or die bitch” tattooed on the back of her neck (amongst a couple others, but that one stood out most because it was in my face while she was unlocking her apartment door).

-

At first, I thought it was a descriptive-type of tattoo. Like, she was saying that that’s what she was.

But in retrospect, it was almost like it was something she saying to me...you’ll see what I mean later, if you don’t get it now.

-

Oblivious to what was about to happen next, I continued to walk through that door...

Something felt off, but I just figured it would be something low-level weird. 

I’m always seeing signs that show somebody dabbles in magic or gives a head nod to the prince of darkness (such as a pentagram or something), but I figured “if I’m not actively practicing divinity or doing weird rituals, it won’t personally affect me…if I don’t create a ceremonial invitation, then I’ll be okay.”

-

Now, I’ve already had a good amount of spiritual experiences at this point (good and bad), but for some reason I just didn’t think anything like this would happen…at least not to me. 

-

I thought I had it all figured out, because I thought I’d seen it all - or at least enough. 

I should’ve known though…I was just so emotionally numb at the time, I was doing anything to feel anything.

I mean aesthetically speaking, in a worldly sense, she looked like she’d have a few good stories or something. Needless to say by now, but I ignored the red flags in hopes of escaping my pain. 

-

So, moving forward...

We walk into her apartment, sit on the couch, watch skate videos and start breaking some weed down.

After a few minutes of small talk, they offer me some acid in a vile. Emphasizing how it was very high grade stuff, but I didn’t need much convincing anyway. I was growing bored and undergoing an overwhelming amount of emotional damage.  

-

Now, I was very into psychedelics and considered myself extremely experienced in that realm. 

But just because I did it a lot, didn’t mean I was. You couldn’t tell me otherwise though.

It was usually my go-to for when I needed that unrivaled escape from reality. 

So yeah, I took the witch’s brew, still thinking it was something I considered fun.

-

Once it started to kick in, I could feel her beginning to stare at me from the end of the room with a big grin on her face.

She then suggested that I take my jacket off because I was going to end up getting really hot, then cackled like it was the funniest thing in the world to say.

-

It was something she said a couple of times too. At first I didn’t know exactly what she meant, I just thought she was a basket case repeating herself. But she was implying that I was going to end up in Hell…you’ll see what I mean.

-

A few moments go by and they both suggest we move the party to the rooftop because her place was limiting and we could see more from up there anyway. 

Plus, she wanted to blow bubbles (possibly a way to distract me from their underlying plot)…and I figured “tripping indoors is boring anyway, why not?”

-

Now because I took my jacket off and left it in her apartment, I began shivering after a while. 

I didn’t expect for it to be that windy, I only wanted a nice little breeze.

So she says she’ll get me a something cozy to put on and that she had to go in for more soap anyway. She comes back and asks to put this fur coat on me. It was nice, so I let her. It had an invigorating energy attached to it, I can't lie. I felt like a million bucks.

-

So I’m comfortable now and she gives me a a little rooftop tour, showing me the visible landmarks from each corner.

Mentioning for me to not to be afraid of my true potential and that I can obtain everything I want. 

I was feeling pretty good about those words, until I thought to myself “that sounds familiar…what if she isn’t speaking in general?” - but I just chalked it up to her being an old hippy. 

-

She then grabs my arm and tells me to look at this red wall, as we walk to the other side of the building. I figured it’d be something visually enticing she was trying to share, but this was going to be her first attempt at hypnosis. There were lights spaced out by every three steps we took, so it would go red-black-red-black-red-black... 

-

Then she asked if it felt like my soul was being massaged - encouraging me to ride it out...essentially, trying to get me to put my guard down, saying “this is where dreams become reality.” 

Then, I began seeing holographic outlines of people in the wall. The traces reminded me somewhat of a glowing snail trail.

-

Right after, I saw myself turn into a block of deformed flesh and almost being slid into the wall if I stared any longer. 

But like I woke up in one of those falling dreams, I snapped out of it with my heart racing.

-

Then with a laugh attached, she exclaims “damn, almost!” 

And that’s when I stopped letting myself be completely naive. The veil was clearly being lifted before me and I needed to be alert. It’s just, I had this slight muffle surrounding my common sense for some reason. Surely it must've been a spell she cast.

-

Now I knew hallucinogens were considered sorcery in the Bible, but I figured one more time couldn't hurt. It’s not like I wasn’t still smoking and drinking. 

It’s just crazy, because it was after learning about the what the fallen angels taught us in the Book of Enoch, is when I decided to trip again. I blatantly chose to play with fire and defy God that night. 

-

See, these hypnotic spells are telepathic contracts. Once the manipulator is installing a vision, it’s at the last second where it becomes your choice to see what happens next.  

It nudges at your curiosity, feeling like it’s a part of the trip you’re supposed to let happen.

But every time I almost did, my heart wouldn't allow it and I’d snap out of it again.

-

Every time she would make another attempt, I could feel my soul almost getting tugged at, with a malicious presence surrounding me. 

The goosebumps I got from this thing, felt like it was ready to defile me in every way possible.

-

In disbelief that what I thought might be happening, wasn’t - I tell myself “let me not cause a ruckus for no reason, I am trippin’ after all. Think of something positive.”

But now my eyes are shifting everywhere, because I keep getting a glimpse of whatever’s approaching. 

Even with that many peculiarities, something kept me in denial.

-

Still though, she tries another set-up and tells me to look at how high up we are, as she gestured for me to look down from the rail. As if I didn’t already know, but I go because I also didn’t want to be rude. I wasn't sure if everything happening was all in my head or not at the time, so I remained as cool as I could.

-

I grab the rail and look over…

(Dave) says “don’t let go,” giving me this wide-eyed look with a smile and said “you feel it, don’t you?”

Then just like that, my heart jumped and my mind began getting flashes of demonic symbols and images like subliminal messages. I even saw random equations in the air, like measurements and ratios of whichever object I laid my eyes on.

-

My vision was about to go black, exactly like the circle closing at the end of a cartoon…until I snapped out of it yet again and backed up with my head on a swivel, angrily questioning them. 

That’s when I caught (Dave) behind me, quickly hiding his hands. 

-

Now I’m on survival mode and it feels like I can’t even make a step without risking my soul, literally. Each step mattered. 

It's at this point that I can feel that I’m being made a fool out of, but of course they gaslight me and try to calm me down.

I still didn’t want to believe I was in this kind of mess, but I’d be a fool to let all of that slide so easily. I couldn't keep lying to myself, as bad as I wanted to.

-

So with caution, I’m trying to plan my escape - playing dumb, but my body is getting heavier by the second too.

She then lifts her speaker and says “listen to these different frequencies, it can change your mood.”

I really wasn’t trying to, because I needed to leave and I didn’t trust her at all now. Especially not with anything sound related.

Then out of nowhere, I hear a distorted garble come out of the speaker and hit my ear.

-

I  asked “what the fuck!?”

Then (Dave) was responds with “oh, you heard that...?”

I looked away and acted oblivious not knowing how I'm going to get out of this, because I felt that if they knew I could hear that, they’d bring out the big guns.

-

(Dave) laughed, saying to Robin “wait, he still don’t know what this is yet?”

Unintentionally, or intentionally letting me know what it was. 

So I tried to leave and they started laughing because the door needed a key fob in order to get to the elevators. They kept suggesting I have a seat, trying so hard to keep me there.

-

(Dave) said “you already ‘bouta do it, it’s better this way anyway.”

Then he was like “look at my hands, this shit trippy, right?”

Followed by him creating an infinity symbol with his waving hands. 

Now this infinity symbol was made of light and floating in mid-air in front of him after he did it. I even looked at it from the side to confirm that it was real.

Right after that, he did the Baphomet pose, flipping his hands and head perfectly in a stiff dance.

Which then caused me to see it’s true form in my minds eye, with a heavy vibration. Another attempt at making me slip, as I try to keep my reality gripped.

-

Once I can see them again, it’s like time stood still and only I could move. 

I’d look around and they’d be frozen. 

At this time, I can hear them having two simultaneous conversations. 

Although, all I caught was (Dave) say “he can’t hear us in this plane.”

-

Then as he slowly got up, it like I was tuning through a radio, I hear a screeching static clear up. The sound then becomes like an electronic bleating and bellowing from a goat, in-sync, surrounding him.

-

This was the moment I became a part of their their collective conscious conversation - essentially telepathy.

Then they began letting me know who they were. Saying that they were angels, that they were around before us and that I can be like them.

-

The whole time they were talking to me, they were trying to weaken and hypnotize me with hand signs - trying to convince me to let go. Thing is, when they did try to convince me, they’d always talk around the subject at hand...but once you know what the subject is, the situation becomes clear. 

-

A lot of people might think they’d get physical and get out of there. I just don’t think they’d understand how it is fighting sleep paralysis, awake. 

I also knew that one false move would take me to the ‘sunken place.’

-

I knew I couldn’t just stand there though. But right before I grab the door to get to the elevator, (Dave) says “okay, you gon’ be waiting on that elevator forever; this is a REAL trip…c’mon, I thought you liked this shit, right?” 

Mockingly he asked “yeah, I guess you gon’ think twice about taking LSD again huh?”

-

I was thinking in my head “fuck, did I really just lose my soul? Is this how it happens to people? Is this where it all ends for me?”

I thought that was it, so I was about to give in and accept the offer - see what benefits I could get, if any. I figured living a worldly lifestyle would be better than dying immediately.

-

Then from there, every time we almost sealed the deal, I would feel a hungry fire approach me from behind. Almost like a burning lick.

The one time I decided to look for where it was coming from, I got a vision with an glowing orange blur in it - slowly materializing, until I could make something out of it. Then with the bit that I saw, I knew it was me being swallowed by fire and not dying. 

-

Immediately after, almost as if I had touched the flames themselves, I yelled in confusion “What? No! Yeshua Hamashiach is my Lord and Savior!”

To which (Dave) nonchalantly responds “okay, you do that...that [N-word] died a long time ago.” 

I sharply look at him with disgust and continued my prayer.

Mentioning to God that He promised He would never abandon His children if they encountered evil and that if there was a way for Him to save me, to do it.

-

Dave says that I’m blowing his trip and leaves to the gas station.

I could’ve left then and there, but I still didn’t want to be alone in an elevator with him. There's no telling what he has under his sleeve or how I might react in while in there.

-

So as I’m praying, I begin to feel the dark hold they had on my heart loosen up. It was like my heart was pumping physical light throughout my body, then all around it. I could feel the forcefield - the LORD had arrived and I could move my body freely. No more fear in taking the wrong step.

-

So on (Dave’s) way back, (Robin) announces it and says let’s go downstairs and get him. That’s when I hear (Dave) say - not yell, “open up” from all the way downstairs and I was amazed...I asked myself “wait, can he still hear me?” 

With him responding “DUH! Damn, you some shit!” and continued on his way. Then it all came to me, I'm sure hidden witches and warlocks communicate like this whenever they encounter one another. Whether it be at parties, art shows or even churches...a fleeting thought, but a concrete one nonetheless.

-

So back to us going to get (Dave) - if I was to leave, this was going to be my chance.

In the elevator she tries enchanting me again, but I rebuked every attempt. She seemed so confident with a huge smile, as if she already won the battle. 

But I’m trying to maintain focus the best that I can, so I don’t slip - which made this elevator ride unnecessarily more intense than it needed to be.   

-

Once the elevator door finally opens, I see (Dave’s) silhouette behind a thick glass rail, carrying an ominous slouch. 

Walking towards me, he notices that I’ve calmed down. I guess he expected me to be spazzing out, screaming about devils and spirits...I already knew how that would make me look though. So when he sees my face, he smiles and asks “oh, you’re good now?”

I guess he assumed the process was complete...

-

Instead, I replied “yeah, I’m not with this goofy shit y'all got goin' on”

So as I’m walking towards the exit, he yells “that’s not the way out!”

To where I respond “fuck y’all!”

-

You would’ve thought I opened the door before touching it, the way I left out so fast. 

As that door closed, I did a little jog to get across the street. 

But a few seconds later, I feel this tingle in the back of my brain (specifically the medulla oblongata), as though it had neck hairs that stood up. 

I look over my shoulder and noticed he decided to follow me…of course. Shortly after I noticed him - with that bull-like slouch, he started to run. 

-

Now I was a little ahead of him, so I didn’t start running yet. I had to make sure I knew where I was going before exerting my energy.

Every time I moved my head, I could feel the tingle coming from his direction like a compass always pointing North. 

So there was no losing him, at least not easily - but I am fast.

-

I couldn’t call a ride because my phone was dead and I couldn’t go to anyone’s house at the time, because it was around 5am.

As (Dave) got closer, I felt my vision going black and my body getting heavy again. A lot stronger this time…time to kick it into high gear.

-

Once it clicks into my head that the easiest place to catch a taxi in such a heated moment would be in Adams Morgan, an opportunity presented itself.

-

Ahead of me was a crosswalk and the orange hand was counting down it’s last seconds. Everything I ever learned told me I wasn’t going to make it, but I wasn’t going to stop running either.

-

So when my foot lands off the sidewalk, is when the cars to my left and right begin to move. 

That’s when everything moved in-slow-motion…and a burst of energy launched me across the street. I saw that moment like a painting in my mind. Sweat with streetlight reflections, my hair slightly messy, clothes moving with the wind, chain dancing and molecular debris falling from my shoes. 

-

That moment bought me time because the cars acted as a barrier as soon as I made it, so he was stuck across the street for a little bit. But he didn't give up. This is when I start hearing scribbly garbles rolling and jumping off of buildings and into my ear “you acting like a lil bitch - come back!”

Perfectly delivered as if he was next to me…I look behind me and it’s like he hasn’t broke a sweat. Completely focused, but still plenty of distance.

-

From the gas station diagonal to the 9:30 Club (where Robin lives), to the McDonald’s in Adam’s Morgan...

My body wanted to give out most of the way, but soul wouldn’t allow it.

I just had to keep running until I found a taxi - which I did. I was going to live to tell the tale; I had to.

-

That’s when Dave caught up, yelling “you look like a unk right now!” 

Because 4 taxis stopped for me coming from each direction in that intersection.

To where I respond “I don’t give a fuck, I made it out and you mad as shit!” 

I get in the car and tell the taxi driver to head towards Maryland. I’ll give him the address on the highway.

-

Finally, after surviving a living nightmare, I made it home. 

I went to my room, played some worship music, got on my knees and wrung myself out of tears to the Lord.

-

Unable to sleep because I knew they could contact me in my dreams.

So I didn’t rest until the drug wore off, which was on the next day in the afternoon…

I even felt that burn on my back as if it was sunburn for the next couple of weeks after.

-

I’m so grateful to still be alive and myself, because I’m 100% positive I’d be in Hell (with something else in my vessel) if I didn’t call on God that night.

It was like I was tiptoeing on a needlepoint to keep my soul.

-

Since then, I've been learning a lot more to keep myself more spiritually fortified and spreading my experience in hopes of leading others into a life of light into the hands of the Lord. I hope this story can do something positive for whoever comes across it, so feel free to share to those you love. God bless you.

[atticuswritesstuff]

Chrollo with a smarty pants/genius darling who acts out or tries to escape just because they’re bored/understimulated?

Author's note: I actually really fucking love this prompt so I am SUPER excited for this one. I too get very bored/understimulated often. Sorry, I got to it late cuz I just got back from a Montana trip!

Yandere!Chrollo x Bored!Reader

Summary: Chrollo's darling becomes bored being locked up all the time, decides to take yet another unsupervised trip out of the mansion.

Warnings: Anal/Assplay, overstimulation, punishment, spanking, mentions of blood, mentions of murder, yandere themes, BDSM themes, degradation

Character Description: afab, she/her use that's it

Word count: 4.5k

Attempt number seven. Seven times you had slipped through his fingers since the beginning of the year alone, each time becoming more and more elaborate.

Chrollo scoffed, storming through the woods, scanner in hand. It was beeping softly, indicating you weren't far.

It wasn't like you made any attempt to escape discreetly, jamming a fork into the neck of one of Chrollo's guards, puncturing his jugular before you made your way through the garden to the edge of the forest. As Chrollo watched a recording of it from the cameras, he was shocked at how nonchalantly you stabbed him before calmly walking off. If you had intended to run far, you weren't moving very fast.

The tracker started beeping a little faster now. He was getting closer.

The early April air was nipping at his cheeks, he couldn't fathom how you were out here in your pajamas, barefoot at that. Chrollo was more worried about you than just finding you. While your previous attempts had been clever, methodical, and downright genius, this time was very different to him. As far as he knew, you'd never killed anyone, and now you had decided to not only kill someone but patiently wait for him to be unfocused before sneaking upon him. You planned this.

Chrollo walked a couple more meters, finding the tracker was leading him to the nearby lake. When he came to the forest's edge, he could see you sitting at the edge of the dock, staring up at the moon.

You heard him approaching as soon as he broke through the treeline, it took him a bit longer to retrieve you than expected, although you attributed that to him thinking you were going to try and run far. A couple miles from the house wasn't necessarily far for a commoner, but this was farther than you'd ever been allowed.

Chrollo's heavy footsteps walked the length of the dock, stopping right behind you. He knew you would come quietly, after the first few times, you'd stopped escaping to try and get away, instead, you found the chase to be much more thrilling.

"Time to go, darling," He hummed nonchalantly.

"Five more minutes," You replied, swishing your feet through the near-freezing water, "The moon is so pretty tonight, wouldn't you agree?"

Chrollo gazed down at you, you were surprisingly clean considering you'd just stabbed someone. Not a single drop of blood on you anywhere. The only thing shielding you from the cold being a thin cami and a shamefully short pair of shorts.

Chrollo always admired your body, but the pajamas were a nice touch. They were a recent purchase, baby blue fabric with white lace trim, god how he wanted to tear the set off you.

"I didn't think you'd have it in you to take a man's life, darling," Chrollo stated.

"I didn't either," You chuckled, "But it's done now."

"Why not just sneak away?" He replied, sitting on the dock next to you, "He was unfocused, you could've done it easily if this was where you intended to go all along."

"You're right, I didn't have to kill him," You sighed, bringing one of your feet onto the dock, "I just wanted to see if I could. You left an anatomy book on your desk, I found the major arteries of the body to be very interesting."

"Now that I think about it," You continued, "Maybe I should've run farther, seeing you so desperately trying to find me is rather amusing."

“You enjoy being chased like a rabbit?” Chrollo mused.

“Believe it or not the thrill is more exciting than anything you’ve ever gifted to me,” You scoffed, “At least running gave me something to do that required thought. Something you seem to forget to provide.”

Poking at Chrollo’s care tactics wasn’t smart, but you didn’t know how else to get through to him that your current environment was extremely understimulating, and that you needed more. You could tell he was growing upset, but he wouldn’t dare show it outside of the house.

You pulled your knee to your chest, resting your cheek against it, "Do I have to go back?"

"Of course you do, darling," Chrollo replied, a warm hand rubbing up and down your back, "Why wouldn't you?"

You scoffed, "Probably because being a prisoner of marble and glass is dreadfully boring."

Chrollo's hand stopped, "You think the life I've worked so hard to build is boring?"

"Yup," You replied flatly, "Honestly I thought you kidnapping me would be a lot more fun, but it's even more boring than my old life."

Chrollo was becoming angrier with each word that came out of your mouth.

"Don't get me wrong, I know how hard you try, but my god I don't know how you stand it. You're sweet and all, but you're gonna bore me to death sooner or later, escaping actually gives me something to do," You hummed, pulling your other foot out of the water, "Anyways, we can go back now, this chase was more boring than I expected."

You rose from your place, turning to walk back to your cage. It took Chrollo a minute to get up and follow you, partially from the shock of your completely arrogant and nonchalant demeanor. The person you had become over the past two years almost reminded him of a certain magician he once knew.

Chrollo eyed you as your hips swayed, every muscle in your leg flexing and relaxing as you walked. It was something he adored about you, before he took you, you were one of your tribe's best, strongest dancers. The way you swayed and glided while you did the most basic of tasks was alluring to him. Now, he just watched you sit around and observe everything.

The view from walking behind you wasn't necessarily bad, though. Your pajama shorts gave him a nice view of your ass as you walked.

Sauntering through the woods, you could no longer hide how cold you were, the incessant shivering and blue tint to your skin proved that fact. Your feet even more so from being in the water.

You knew Chrollo was upset with what you'd said, you could tell immediately, but keeping the truth from him wasn't an option anymore. You had started to care for him some time ago. You really appreciated him, but god if he didn't allow you to do something you were going to lose your mind.

When you could just barely make out the edges of the garden approaching, you stopped mid-path, "Chrollo?"

He caught up to you in an instant, "Yes, darling?"

"I don't want to go back if I have to live like this," You felt tears well up in your eyes, "Please."

His hands found your hips, "Live like what? Talk to me darling, how can I make it better?"

"I don't want to just sit around and wait for you to come back. I'm tired of you being at my beck and call. O-Or just fucking sitting around waiting for you to come back," You felt a solemn tear roll down your cheek, "It's so fucking boring. Please just take me with you or give me something I can do for you or-"

"Darling," He cut you off with a firm hand over your mouth, the other still settled on your hip. He shushed you softly, lessening the pressure on your mouth, "Don't panic, I'm listening. I promise I'm hearing you, just speak slowly alright?"

You nodded, he took his hand off your mouth slowly, "Keep going, what can I do to help you?"

You thought about it, more tears spilling down your cheeks, "Take me with you. Don't leave me by myself anymore. I just want to be useful."

Scooping you up bridal style as he headed towards the garden, "I understand. Even in your old life, you were always helping others, weren't you?"

You nodded, wrapping your arms around his neck and tucking your head into him. Closing your eyes, you breathed in his scent, trying to commit it to memory.

Chrollo's feet hit the marble floors of the hallway that led into the house, you could feel his warmth returning as he carried you inside.

"While I understand your frustrations, you did try to escape my love," He started, bringing you into your shared bedroom, "And that requires a punishment."

You winced, shaking your head against him, "Please, not again! I'm really sorry Sir I can do better-"

"No," He shushed you, setting you on the foot of the bed, "I have the solution to your problem, but only if you take your punishment, alright?"

You nodded slightly, your tear-stained cheeks slightly puffy and red from the cold.

"Alright," He purred, his hands rubbing up and down your shoulders, "I'll try to make this at least somewhat pleasant for you, ok?"

You nodded once again, finding comfort in the fact that he was at least going to please you.

"Lay back for me," He stated, pushing you back by your shoulders, "I'll be right back."

You stared up at the ceiling in anticipation, the last punishment was hard enough, but you couldn't pass up the opportunity to finally get out of the house. Chrollo had returned from the closet, setting something on the bench at the foot of the bed. He took off his shirt before crawling over you.

"You know what your punishment is, right?" He asked, a face cupping your cheek.

You nodded, "Yes, Sir."

"Good girl," He whispered, leaning down to give you the softest of kisses, just barely ghosting over your lips as he pulled the knife out of his back pocket.

Pressing it to your throat, you froze, knowing it had already begun.

"Just focus on me, darling," Chrollo whispered against your lips, "I won't cut you."

He kissed you once more, harder this time as he slowly dragged the knife down your neck. It was a 50/50 chance he would intentionally cut you, even if he said he wouldn't. It was the only thing he'd ever lied to you about, knowing that made your heart race.

His tongue invaded your mouth as he slid the knife down your chest, coming back up to cut your bralette off in between your breasts. You didn't even register the pain from him grazing you with the knife until it started throbbing.

You looked down, seeing a thin line of blood-forming directly in between your breasts.

"Whoops," he chuckled, gazing down at the same mark you were. He sat up, straddling your hips and now pinning you to the bed by your throat. Your bare chest tempted him to carve his name into your breasts, then you'd really know who you belonged to. Chrollo briefly cut the straps of your bralette, allowing the flimsy fabric to fall away, revealing your breasts to him.

Setting the knife aside, Chrollo dragged his nails down your chest, briefly squeezing your waist before leaning down to press open-mouthed kisses all over your neck. He trailed downwards, backing off the bed as he kissed your waist, your breasts, swirling his tongue around each of your nipples lightly before backing off entirely.

"Turn over," Chrollo demanded.

"No." You said timidly, propping yourself up on your elbows.

"I'm sorry?" Chrollo replied smugly, "Wanna repeat that, darling?"

"I said n-no," You said, now even quieter than before.

"No? You don't want to be punished?" He asked, his hands rubbing up and down your thighs teasingly.

You shook your head to confirm that you indeed did not want to be punished in the way he was thinking.

"Even after killing my guard and escaping? You sure you don't want to be punished?" He asked again, his condescending tone making you whimper as you shook your head again.

Chrollo sighed, "Very well."

What? He's serious?

Untying the bandana from his forehead, he was quick to grab your hands and tie them together, placing them above your head, "I'll please you since I know that's what you really want."

Your heart jumped in your chest, somehow excited at the fact that you had gotten out of it.

Chrollo wasted no time cutting your shorts off, leaving you completely naked and exposed to him. He brought your legs up to the edge of the bed, bending them close to your chest, "Stay like this for a moment, ok?"

You gave him brief 'mhm' before he left, crossing the room to his chest of drawers. You heard him open it, the soft sound of things being moved around before he quickly came back. Craning your neck up to see what had been retrieved, you were quickly thwarted by Chrollo who pushed your head back down.

"Patience," He sighed, "Be a good girl now, hm?"

You grumbled, but let him hold you down. You knew this routine all too well, reminiscing about the fond memories of your legs pulling against the rope he was now starting to tie around your ankles. He took the time to tie up each leg, making sure they would not be able to come out of the bent position he'd placed them in.

"So pretty," Chrollo cooed, rubbing his hands up and down your waist, "Alright darling, eyes closed."

You shut your eyes as he brought a blindfold to your eyes, the soft silk being tied around the back of your head.

"There, now that you can't fight me," He started, using brute force to flip you over so you were bent over the edge of the bed, knees on the bench, "We can begin your punishment."

"That's not fair Si-"

A sharp smack was delivered to your ass, "Hush."

You went quiet, whimpering into the plush comforter.

"You"

Smack.

"Broke"

Smack.

"My"

Smack.

"Rules"

Each word was punctuated by a harsh spanking to one of your ass cheeks. You were only four in and it already stung.

"I'm sorry!" You cried, trying to wriggle away from Chrollo, "Please Sir!"

"Mm, please what darling? Please punish you?" He hummed, rubbing your bottom with smooth circles.

"Nuh!" You whined, your voice becoming whinier under the threat of fully submitting.

"I told you I would please you, but only if you took your punishment like a good girl," Chrollo hummed, leaving a kiss on each cheek, "Do you really expect me to please you when you're not going to comply darling?"

You whined, wiggling a bit more.

"What do good girls say, darling?" Chrollo asked, softly rubbing your arched back.

"P-please," You huffed.

"Please what, love?" He replied, quietly undoing the bottle of lube he had brought to the bed.

"Please punish me," You whispered, "Sir."

"That's my good girl," He hummed.

Chrollo squirted a bit of lube onto his first two fingers, letting it warm a bit before bringing them to your ass. Mewling as Chrollo started rubbing your puckered hole, he wasted no time plunging a digit into your ass.

"Fuck!" You cried out, feeling him slipping in and out up to his first knuckle. You shook against the rope.

"Aww, if I didn't know any better I'd say you were starting to enjoy this." He teased, pushing his finger up to his second knuckle, "You're taking me so well, I can only imagine how well you're going to do later."

You gave him a long, drawn-out moan in response. He wanted you to beg, either for more or for him to stop, either way, he wanted you to be a mess.

The discomfort started to fade as he pushed his two fingers fully into you. Now, you could feel your arousal dripping as he steadily finger-fucked your ass, trying to stretch you out best he could with just two fingers.

"Already taking my fingers so well," Chrollo cooed, picking up the pace, "I think you're ready to be punished, don't you?"

You shook your head, knowing what would come next.

"Oh come now, don't be like that darling." He replied, slowly pulling his fingers from your tight hole.

You whined at the loss of contact, while it wasn't quite the pleasure you wanted, it was starting to feel good. You waited patiently as Chrollo left the bed, finding the necessary tools needed in his bedside drawer before coming back to the bench.

In one hand, he held a set of purple anal beads that gradually got bigger, in the other, a vibrating wand he fully intended on using on you. While the vibrator wasn't ever used during a punishment, Chrollo saw it to be a mercy for your honesty, therefore, he would keep his word, making his punishment at least somewhat pleasurable for you.

"Tonight's going to be a bit different, love," Chrollo started, setting the vibrator on the bench, he began covering the anal beads in a generous amount of lube, "I need you to trust me, ok?"

You didn't know what he meant by different, you assumed more painful, but knew that there would be no pleasure without pain, "I trust you."

"Good," He hummed, rubbing the first ball against your lubed hole, "You ready?"

Your faint 'mhm' had Chrollo pushing the first ball in, earning a whimper from you. It wasn't much bigger than Chrollo's finger, but you could still feel it. Mere seconds later, he was pushing the second ball in, the equivalent to a little more than two of his fingers.

You were quietly whimpering and mewling into the comforter, hoping he wouldn't hear how much you were enjoying the slow stretch.

"I need your hands," Chrollo announced, pulling you firmly upward by your shoulders, "Put them here."

He shoved your arms down toward your pussy before pushing you back down on your chest. Before, your hands had been resting on the comforter above your head. Now, they were firmly squished between your thighs. You felt Chrollo press something round into your hands before tying your wrists up. Mid-tie, he readjusted the foreign object to rest against your clit.

The vibrator.

You began to squirm a little bit, knowing that this is what he meant by tonight being a little different. You waited patiently as he tied the ropes tight, making sure you wouldn't be able to move it away, then he turned it on.

"Ah...oh fuck," You moaned, the vibrator already working to make you come undone, "Sir.."

Your moans were becoming more sultry, needier, you began panting as your legs worked up to a steady shake, he knew he would break you tonight at this rate.

"See? I told you I would please you," Chrollo hummed, pushing the next ball in, you cried out even louder, "You have permission to cum whenever you'd like."

Knowing this was going to make it a lot harder, he wanted you to submit, to break, "D..Da-Ah!"

You were stuttering as the next ball was pushed in, your asshole stretching around it.

"What was that? I don't think I heard you, princess," Chrollo teased.

"Daddy!" You wailed, giving into the submission he so desperately wanted. Your pussy began fluttering around nothing as the vibrator sent deep shock waves through your pussy, "Please!"

"Please what, princess?" He smiled, palming your ass cheeks.

"Please punish me!" You moaned, needing more stimulation, "I'm sorry I tried to escape! I've been a bad girl!"

The sight of you writhing under him was pathetic, you were truly becoming a mess and he hadn't even really touched you. Seeing how hard you were trembling, Chrollo took pity on you. Watching your pretty pussy clench and release, needing some form of stimulation, he decided to at least grant you this mercy.

Plunging two fingers into your dripping hole, he crooked his fingers, quickly finding your g-spot, "Is this what my darling needs?"

"Yes! Oh, fu-fuck please daddy!" You moaned, fucking yourself on his fingers, "Gonna cum!"

"You have permission princess, it's ok," Chrollo reaffirmed, working his fingers inside you.

It only took seconds, the knot that had been building inside you finally burst, causing you to clench around his fingers. The vibrator held firm against your clit after, the pleasure becoming painful. You started to cry through the blindfold.

Chrollo licked the mess off his fingers before slowly starting to pull the anal beads out one by one. You whined and whimpered as he did so, the action only causing you to clench to avoid feeling empty. It did nothing, Chrollo continued to pull the remaining few beads out, your asshole gaping slightly

"Mm, you're doing so well baby," Chrollo sighed, pulling his own pants down. Pumping his cock a few times before rubbing the crown of it up and down your slick.

"Daddy! D-Don't do that!" You whined, trying to pull away from his ministrations.

"What? This?" Chrollo asked innocently, repeating the action.

You lost it, cumming on the spot as the tip ghosted over your pussy, your shame covered your face in a heavy blush. It barely took anything for you to cum with the stupid vibrator continuing to buzz against your clit at the highest setting.

"S-Sorry daddy.." you slurred, still trembling as you felt your mind go blank.

"Aww, is my baby that much of a cock drunk little slut?" Chrollo teased, pressing the tip of his painfully erect cock into your ass, "I know you are, my pretty little darling wanted to be punished this whole time, huh?"

You heard him, but could barely form enough of a sentence to answer.

Chrollo pushed into you slowly, relishing in the tightness of your ass, your gummy walls fluttering around him as you were overstimulated. The feeling of being full had your tongue lolling out of your mouth.

Once fully seated inside you, Chrollo slowly dragged his nails along your back before palming your ass. Pulling your ass cheeks apart with his thumbs, he gave a few long, slow thrusts, watching the way you clenched around his cock.

"Fuck," Chrollo moaned, "I almost don't even want to punish you with the way this tight little ass wraps around my cock."

You could only moan in response, trembling as he continued his tortuously slow pace.

"How many spankings do you think you'll receive from tonight's actions, princess?" Chrollo halted, only halfway inside as his hands trailed upwards along your outer thighs, "I think forty is a good number? What say you, love?"

"Nuh-uh!" You cried, wiggling against his touch as one of his hands left your skin, "Thirty!"

Chrollo chuckled at your offer, "I was originally going to settle for twenty-five, but thirty works for me, darling."

With a crushing force, Chrollo's hand came down.

Smack!

"Count, or I'll start over," Chrollo demanded.

"O-One," You whispered.

His other hand rose while the other soothed the spot he had just spanked.

Smack!

"Two!"

Smack!

"Three," Chrollo's hands were relentless, switching cheeks each time he smacked you in order to give your poor skin a break. He was merciful enough to rub the spot he had spanked before doing it again.

It took minutes to work your way up to the end, you came twice throughout the process as the vibrator held firm against your clit.

Smack!

"Twenty-eight!"

Smack!

"Twenty-nine!"

Smack!

"Th-Thirty!" You were sobbing, shaking uncontrollably under the weight of Chrollo's punishment.

"There we go, all done," Chrollo cooed, softly rubbing your cherry-red ass as he set another slow pace, "You did so well for me, darling."

A warmth grew in your chest, you really did enjoy being praised by Chrollo, even if it was after a punishment with his dick in your ass. He enjoyed it too, loving the way you clenched around his cock each time he spanked you, it took a lot of focus to not cum mid punishment.

You were writhing the pressure in your core already starting to build again, your trembling never stopped, even throughout your punishment. Chrollo kept up his word to please you, but god at what cost?

"I want you to cum for me again, angel," Chrollo hummed, his hands finding your waist as he began picking up the pace, "I want to absolutely ruin you."

"No no no! Daddy, I can't!" You sobbed, knowing you would be doing more than just cumming if this kept up.

"Oh? Is my princess trying to hide the pretty mess I know she can make?" Chrollo asked, knowing what you were implying.

Grabbing the knife, he cut the ropes from your legs. He rolled your limp form over onto your back, yanking the blindfold off so he could watch as you helped overstimulate yourself. With one arm by your head to support himself, he guided his cock back into your ass, resuming the brutal pace he set.

You held Chrollo's gaze as he went absolutely feral, drilling your ass while holding one of your legs up over his shoulder. You could barely conceal your tears at this point, broken moans showing him just how bad you needed a break, but he was intent on making you squirt before he stopped.

"I know you need this," Chrollo purred, pressing his forehead to yours, "Just give in to my love, your body wants this."

You started to shake harder, legs trembling even more aggressively, he was pushing you to the edge.

"Fuck! Da...Daddy," You groaned, knowing you were only seconds away, "Kiss me, p-please."

Pulling you into his lips as you came, your screams and cries muffled against Chrollo's lips as you drenched his cock and thighs with your cum. You barely registered the feeling of his cock throbbing as he filled your ass with cum. It took several seconds for your orgasm to stop before you were finally able to collapse back onto the bed.

Chrollo was quick to shut the vibrator off as he pulled out, knowing your body had enough. He admired the way his cum began slowly trickling out of your ass while he untied your hands.

"You did so well, darling," Chrollo praised, leaving soft kisses on the inside of your calf, "So so good."

His kisses trailed upwards, his lips softly tickling your thighs as he caressed them. He continued upward with his continued praise and love, making sure each part of you had received some form of physical attention before kissing you passionately.

You were still panting, your heart thrumming in your ears as he brushed your hair away from your face. At least he held true to his word.

With your hands now free, you pulled him in for another kiss, wanting to stay enveloped in his warmth forever.

"So, my little brat," He started, interlacing his fingers with yours, "Was this enough of a cure for your boredom?"

You giggled, giving him a weak smile, "It was, but as I recall, you mentioned what sounded like a more long-term solution to this problem."

"Ah, that," Chrollo sighed, rolling over next to you. You turned on your side the best you could as he gazed up at the ceiling, "I was thinking you could officially become a spider."

Your breath hitched in your throat, "You mean like part of the phantom-troupe?"

"Yes," He replied curtly, "You'd be with me all day every day, same rules apply, but it would give you a chance to use that intelligence of yours."

You grinned, thinking it over, "Sure, why not?"

[because-of-a-friend]

Enemies to Lovers!Jeonghan

MASTERLIST

One day I will come up with titles for my works lol. 

Hi Hannah!!!! Thanks for requesting! I loved doing this one! I went ahead and went with Jeonghan cuz I feel like he fits this trope best! Sorry you had to wait so long, this particular fic got deleted like... three times so it was a struggle lol. I hope it’s what you were looking for!

I hope this is a good one, I’m realizing I get real insecure about my writing anytime I’m not doing a bulletpoint or reaction fic, so I don’t feel great about this time. Also I only started recently putting actual detail into my kiss scenes and idk how I’m doing with those???? Like do they seem ok??? Also I feel like I make it so obvious that I am such a sucker for SVT having cute nicknames for siblings, friends, partners, etc in fics lol. Anyways...

Also, I really said: Jeonghan... but in different types of lighting

Remember I don’t own the gif! Link to OP is right there if you want to go give the creator some love!!!

Word Count: 5.2k

Warnings: Mentions eating, reader is using female pronouns (I will keep things gn unless you request differently), I think that’s it, pls let me know if I missed any

You’re not sure exactly how it happened. It was probably just an instance of getting off on the wrong foot, that led to more awkward interactions, giving both of you the wrong impression of each other. You knew this, you could rationalize it all. You were well aware that all it would take was one “I think we might have the wrong idea of each other” conversation and it would all be over. You could easily fix it all, but…

But his stupid smug face. The sarcastic jokes. The never-ending pranks that were not as funny as he thought they were. His ridiculous arrogance. His overall unapologetic nature towards all of it.

You couldn’t help but hate Yoon Jeonghan.

*****

“I don’t know, Wonnie…” you say uneasily over the phone. In previous years, you’d go over to the dorm without hesitation. You loved spending time with your brother and many of the other boys. But ever since you had officially met and begun interacting with Jeonghan…

“C’mon, [Y/N]! I bought that new game you were talking about! We can play it together on my gaming system!” Wonwoo began to persuade. You knew you’d give in; you always did. Your brother was far too sweet a person and far too comforting a presence to reject. The question was how long did you want to argue with him about going to the dorm.

You sighed, accepting defeat early to save time, “I’ll head over there in a bit.”

Wonwoo gives a small cry of victory, “Ok, I’ll have Gyu make extra ramen.” Wonwoo abruptly hangs up the phone right after, leaving you in silence to groan in regret of your decision.

You immediately straighten yourself out, though, trying to put yourself in a mindset of determination. What were you thinking? Just because you and that asshole didn’t get along meant you couldn’t go see your own twin brother without feeling uncomfortable? Screw that! If he wanted to keep the peace then he was going to have to start watching where he stepped around you. 

*****

You knocked loud and clear on the door of their dorm, knowing that with thirteen people living inside, it was usually too noisy for them to hear someone signal their arrival. To your relief, Seungcheol opened the door just moments after you knocked and greeted you with a warm smile followed by a hand sneaking into your hair to ruffle it, “Hey there, kiddo! How’s it hanging?”

“Just fine,” you tilt your head down slightly in his direction as you pass him to enter the dorm. “How are things here?” As soon as you ask, your ears are met with the noise of someone dropping something in the kitchen, followed by Seungkwan crying in alarm.

“Same as always, I supposed,” Seungcheol sighs, but his smile doesn’t fade. “I think Mingyu and Wonwoo are already in the computer room, if you want to go ahead and see them!”

“Ok, thanks Cheol!” you call as you both rush off in different directions, him towards the kitchen and you towards the small room that would provide you solace from the possibility of having to see Yoon Jeonghan.

You were determined not to let things go how they usually did: you with your mouth clamped shut as Jeonghan spoke whatever teasing words he had saved up for you, and the most you can do to fight back is by rolling your eyes and finding any way to get away from him.

This time, you would still avoid contact with him, but if it happened, you’d speak your mind and not care what he thought, since that’s how he treated you.

But there was no sign of him or anyone else as you walked to the computer room. You could hear Mingyu and Wonwoo yelling and cheering at the game long before you opened the door. It was pitch black inside, the piercing light of the screen making you squint your eyes.

The two men inside both turn immediately to check who offended their dark space with the soft, yellow light from the hallway.

“Oh [Y/N], you came!” Mingyu beams up at you. You nod, matching his bright expression.

“How’s the game?” you ask simply, looking up to your brother.

“We like it so far,” Wonwoo’s smile is wide, he always gets excited about new games, whether they’re good or not. He leans over to grab a can of some sort of energy drink before gulping it down. “We left some ramen for you over there on the table. Eat first, then I’ll let you have a turn.”

You roll your eyes, though Wonwoo was only mere minutes older than you, he found those moments to be enough leverage to order you around and act like you should be dependent on his care. There were times when he even referred to himself as “oppa” to you and insisted that you do the same.

Most of the time you let it slide, especially when you weren’t in the mood to argue. However, there were times when you’d pull out the “We’re the same age,” “Even if you’re older, I’m smarter,” or “Don’t boss me around when I’m more mature than you” cards at the drop of a hat.

“Can you at least turn on the LEDs while I eat?” you ask, tip-toeing in the darkness towards the table at the back end of the room. You hear a click before a soft blue glow fills the room, finally giving you a clear view of your path. You pull the bowl of ramen towards you as you sit and resist the urge to comment on how little they left you. The dorm was filled with food anyways, you could find more later if you got hungry again.

Wonwoo and Mingyu begin to eagerly tell you what they like about the game as you eat. You listen happily, feeling safe in the presence of your brother and friend.

Then of course…

“Hey you two, Cheol wanted me to remind you that we have to get up early tomorrow,” you can’t help the sour expression that comes over your face as Jeonghan enters the room to speak to Wonwoo and Mingyu. “Oh, hey there cutie, I didn’t know you were here!” His smirk makes you sick.

“Don’t call me that,” you say bitterly into the nearly empty bowl.

Wonwoo looks nervously between you and his bandmate, well aware of the dislike you have for him. He’s grateful that you’ve always kept it so civil, but still feels bothered by the unrest between you.

Jeonghan lets out a little giggle in response, and Wonwoo feels a tug in the pit of his stomach, he wishes Jeonghan wouldn’t be so hard on you sometimes. He knows his hyung doesn’t mean anything by it, but you…

You feel your heart sink as Jeonghan steps fully into the room, striding to sit across from you at the table. You can only stare in wonder at his audacity as he slides the bowl towards himself and finishes off the ramen in one bite.

“I was eating that,” you try to keep your tone measured, attempting to keep within the balance of standing up for yourself but not starting any drama that would affect the boys.

“Go make more if you’re hungry, then,” Jeonghan says casually, making your anger positively flare.

You don’t even give your brother the chance to mediate, jumping up from your place and leaving the room, wanting to be anywhere but around that prick.

*****

“You’re leaving already?” Mingyu pouts at you.

“Gyu, I’ve been here for hours,” you laugh, stretching out your fingers as they start to prick from pain of slamming into a keyboard for so long. You had returned to the computer room but only after Jeonghan left. Part of you had wished you had done more to confront him; another part was glad you didn’t start a fight and put Wonwoo in an awkward position. “Besides all of you, as well as me have to get up early tomorrow, it’s already late. I need to get back home.”

“You can stay here,” Wonwoo was quick to offer.

You shook your head at him, “Then I’ll just have to get up even earlier, I’ll go back to my place.” Wonwoo nods almost reluctantly, standing to walk you out.

All of you run into Joshua on your way to the front door, he turns out to be the only one smart enough to ask how you got there.

“Oh, I took the bus,” you say slowly, knowing this is about to cause issues.

“Well, the last one would have already stopped running by now,” Mingyu says looking at the time on his phone.

“I’ll give you a ride,” Josh offers immediately.

You bring your hands up to shake them back and forth, “No, no, I can find a way home, you all need to go to bed.”

“[Y/N],” Wonwoo speaks up immediately in that stern voice you hate but also can’t help but listen to, “let Josh take you home. It’s either that or you stay here, I won’t have you walking around alone at night.” Wonwoo waits a moment to gauge your expression. He finally nods affirmatively, before speaking directly to Joshua, “Take her home, please.”

Joshua nods before walking off to grab his keys. You and Wonwoo send Mingyu off to bed. Once you’re alone, your brother pulls you in for a tight hug. “Do you want me to say something to him?” he asks lowly.

You shake your head, “I don’t want to cause any problems with you guys.” You sit in silence for a moment. “Come and stay over with me sometime, I miss our sleepovers.”

Joshua comes back and Wonwoo pulls away, “Thanks, hyung. Please get her home safe.” For the second time that night, your hair gets ruffled before your brother disappears to go off to bed.

The ride home with Joshua is comfortable. He speaks kindly to you and makes you smile.

You begin to wonder how amongst all these angels, there exists a person like Yoon Jeonghan.

*****

Wonwoo used the new game as leverage to guilt you into coming over quite often in the following weeks. You hadn’t realized how much you had limited your time at the dorm until you started going consistently once more. It was nice being able to spend time with the boys again. You hated that Jeonghan had become such an unbearable presence that it affected your relationship with the rest of your friends.

But ever since you had started to stand your ground and talk back, he had finally begun to avoid you. You supposed it was only fun for him when you sat there and took it.

It didn’t stop the two of you from bickering when you saw each other, but now both of you preferred to avoid each other instead of Jeonghan seeking you out to tease you.

The following weeks of visiting were fairly comfortable. Whenever Jeonghan wasn’t around, you got to spend plenty of time with the other boys and your brother. Plus, the new video game was even better than expected.

Jeonghan’s presence slowly became uncomfortable in a different way.

Instead of being smug and overbearing, he became strangely quiet around you. His facial expressions became more serious as he sent genuine glares your way before letting out bitter remarks and going on his way.

It made you even angrier.

Who the hell was he to torture you all this time and then act like a kicked puppy when you finally fought back???

Your anger and his bitterness slowly escalated the tension between you two. Although they were happening less frequently, the arguments between you became more serious and almost hurtful.

Whatever, you told yourself, he could do as he pleased, you wouldn’t let it affect you anymore.

*****

You stared down at your phone screen. Why? Why did it have to be here, while you were at the dorm?

The call was only five minutes. They didn’t even do it in person. Of course, they had warned that because of hard times, there’d be lay-offs soon. But they couldn’t even do it in person? And all you got was a simple “Sorry, come collect your things on Monday”??? You were a hard worker, passionate about the job, more efficient than most of your coworkers and this is how they treated you???

A part of you could’ve guessed, many of the employees your age had gotten in because of nepotism. But you didn’t want to believe that they’d just brush off all your years of hard work just to avoid stepping on the toes of higher-ups who had relative connections hired at the company.

You squatted against the wall of the hallway, still too in shock to move.

So, you simply sat in silence, for what seemed like forever.

“You good?” you had never felt worse than the exact moment his voice reached your ears.

“Go away,” you said sternly, knowing you’d be crying soon.

“Geez, forgive me for asking,” Jeonghan responds before turning to walk away. He stops abruptly after you sniffle. “So, you’re not ok?”

“No offense, Jeonghan,” you say hating the way your voice is shaking, “but you are the last person I want to speak to right now.”

There’s a heavy silence for a long moment. You silently pray that he’ll just leave. “Do you want me to get your brother?” he asks lightly.

You shake your head, “No, I don’t want to ruin the mood. I’m going to go home, just tell him I had a stomach ache.” You push yourself up and begin to walk briskly towards the door.

To your surprise, Jeonghan reaches out to stop you. You stare at his hand wrapped around your arm and wonder if you’ve ever even allowed him to touch you before. “It’s already late, let me give you a ride.”

You pull his hand off of you, “No, thanks.” You grab your coat and start to dig around in your purse to make sure you have all of your belongings.

“[Y/N],” Jeonghan’s voice rings clear in your head despite your brain feeling fuzzy. You don’t want to look at him. Who is this person that’s showing concern and speaking kindly? You don’t like it. It feels fake. It feels like a predator playing with a wounded prey. You’re just waiting for him to laugh or make a remark or do anything to make you feel worse than you already do.

But Jeonghan simply grabs the keys laying on the front table, grabs your arm once more, and leads you out to the car.

*****

The ride is suffocatingly silent. You wished he’d at least turn on some music to cover up the sound of your crying, but you remained in the quiet. You rolled down your window and stuck your head out, letting the warm night air and sound of wind comfort you. Since you were turned away from him completely, you didn’t see Jeonghan glancing over at you throughout the drive.

You couldn’t have left that car faster when you finally pulled up to your apartment.

To your dismay, Jeonghan also gets out, apparently intent on walking you up.

“You don’t have to-” you start but abruptly stop when he gives you a look telling you an emotion you don’t quite understand.

Jeonghan finally speaks when you’re riding the elevator up to your floor, “I don’t really mean it, you know.”

“Mean what?” you say weakly, starting to feel the exhaustion from crying so much.

“When I talk to you like that… I mean when I’m… rude,” he trails off, running a hand through his hair. “Usually it’s just teasing, but obviously I went too far with you. And I didn’t realize it until you started showing how upsetting it was for you. I should’ve known before that, though.”

“You seemed ruder after I started talking back,” you say, confused.  

“I was just being petty and defensive. I kept telling myself things like: It’s her fault, isn’t it? She should have made it more clear from the beginning that it was upsetting her. How was I supposed to know? But that was just me being immature, I should’ve just talked to you.”

“Is that an… apology, Yoon Jeonghan?” you ask, letting yourself be a little smug.

For the first time, you get a genuine smile out of him, “Maybe.”

There’s more silence for a second.

“It’s a two-way road, though,” you say finally.

“What do you mean?” he asks.

“I mean, I could have also come and talked to you instead of letting things escalate,” you say. “I played some part in all of this… unpleasantness. You can’t entirely blame yourself.”

Jeonghan smiles again, reaching out to ruffle your hair the way Seungcheol always did. Then he takes a dramatic deep breath and rolls his shoulders, “There! That feels better, doesn’t it? We can finally be friends!”

You roll your eyes in a playful manner, but you feel it too, a weight has been lifted.

*****

Wonwoo showed up at your door in the middle of the night that night. You took one look at his frantic face and groaned, “I told Jeonghan I would tell you myself.”

“You should have told me immediately!” your brother pouts as he passes you to walk into your apartment.

“I didn’t want to worry you so late, especially when all of you were having a good time. I was going to tell you tomorrow,” you close the door behind him. You watch as he turns on the TV and starts picking through your pantry. “Hmmm, yes it seems quite clear that you came here out of concern for me,” you can’t help but use a sarcastic tone.

Wonwoo sends a glare your way as he grabs snacks and settles on the couch. You sit next to him, grabbing your fair share of the food. You try to keep your attention on the show, but the feeling of Wonwoo staring straight at you is distracting.

“I’m fine, you don’t have to worry,” you sigh.

“Really? Because Jeonghan described you as an emotional wreck,” your brother scoffs.

“I was just shocked and upset. I’ll be ok. I have a good resume, I can find a new job,” you insist.

“I keep telling you, you don’t have to work-”

“I don’t care how much you make,” you interrupt. “I’m not going to depend on you. It’ll just make trouble for both of us.”

“Will you at least let me help out if there’s any problems before you find a new job?” Wonwoo kicks at your leg.

“Like I would even tell you if I was having trouble,” you return his kick.

“You just can’t help but be difficult,” your brother complains quietly.

You let the sound of the show take over the room for a few minutes. “I do have good news,” you finally speak up, wanting to give your brother some peace of mind about something. “Me and Jeonghan made up. We figured it out.”

Wonwoo bolts upright with a grin on his face, “Really??? It’s really all good now?”

“100%,” you say, unable to stop yourself from pinching your brother’s cheeks, finding his excited expression cute.

“Let’s celebrate soon then! We can have a big gaming party with all of the boys!” You agree to your brother’s proposal. You feel content in this moment, knowing you’ll wake up in the morning in an uncomfortable position, immediately kick at his legs and tell him to get his stinky feet away from you.

*****

Your time at the dorm increases with the weight of you and Jeonghan’s rivalry being gone. You’re enjoying getting to know him as a friend instead of constantly walking on eggshells around him. Going to visit the boys is once again a happy and comfortable experience.

You hadn’t realized how much Jeonghan had affected you until you two had worked things out. The world felt light again and you could breathe, no longer in constant worry of possibly ruining things between your brother and his bandmates.

You hoped things would remain without complications for a long time.

*****

“Seungkwan, you should come with us!” you begged. “The carnival only comes once a year; you can’t miss it!”

“But it’s so crowded and there are screaming kids everywhere,” Seungkwan complains.

“Oh, whatever,” Soonyoung interjects. “You love it every time we go.”

Seungkwan gives Soonyoung a look that has you laughing through your mouthful of ramen. “Oh, shoot,” you say feeling liquid start to dribble down your chin. “Can I get a napkin?”

“Here’s one,” you hear Jeonghan’s voice as he enters the room. You reach out to grab the napkin as Seungkwan and Soonyoung continue bickering. But instead of handing it to you, Jeonghan extends his hand not holding the napkin towards you. His fingers come to lightly touch your chin and turn you towards him. Jeonghan wipes your face with the napkin himself, taking the time to make sure it’s really all clean. “All better,” he smiles at you, running his thumb across your chin to check its cleanliness one last time.

As Jeonghan walks away, you turn to see if Seungkwan or Soonyoung saw what had happened. They were still arguing, though. The boys showing you physical touch or affection wasn’t really all that uncommon. But for some reason, the way Jeonghan had grabbed your chin just now… Why was your heart beating so hard?

*****

You couldn’t stop yourself from dragging Wonwoo all over the carnival. It was nice to get out in this environment, the lights, the laughter, the food, the games, the rides. You wanted to do everything, but not before you looked at all there was and took in the spectacle.

You could hear all the boys laughing excitedly behind you, you knew they’d want to try everything as well. You shook your head at Seungkwan’s bright expression, you couldn’t wait to play the ‘I told you so’ card later.

The night was a blur. All of you ran from games to rides to snacks and then all over again.

You couldn’t help but stop completely in your tracks as you passed a booth with a giant stuffie of your favorite animal as a prize. Your fascination with the plushie doesn’t go unnoticed.

“You want me to win it for you?” Jeonghan’s voice is suddenly speaking right into your ear. You jump after realizing he was right behind you. You grip your cotton candy a bit tighter and shyly nod. The way Jeonghan grins at you fills you with warmth.

You watch him walk over to the booth. His light hair and pink shirt were illuminated by the soft glow of the surrounding lights. Jeonghan takes his wallet out and hands some bills to the vendor. You step up closer to stand next to him as he plays the game. He laughs as he chats back and forth with the vendor. You watch in awe as Jeonghan clears the game, no problem.

“Anything from the top shelf!” the vendor exclaims happily.

“That one please,” Jeonghan points right at the stuffie you had been staring at.

“It’ll be a wonderful memory for your girlfriend,” the vendor smiles as he hands the prize directly to you.

“Oh, I’m-”

“Of course!” Jeonghan interrupts you almost instantly, wrapping an arm around your shoulders and starting to pull you away from the game. “We’ll cherish it for a long time! Thanks for the game!” The vendor waves kindly as you two walk away. After a moment, Jeonghan pulls his arm off of you, “Sorry, sometimes it’s just easier to agree than explain, you know?” You nod in agreement. “Wait a second,” he stops you by putting his hands on your shoulders and standing in front of you. Before you can ask what’s wrong, his hand comes up towards your face as it had earlier that day. He quickly swipes his thumb across your lips before pulling to back to show you remnants of your cotton candy. “Do you always eat this messily?” he grins and then, to your surprise, puts his thumb in his mouth to clean it off.

You stand there, frozen, unable to really comprehend what just happened as Jeonghan walks away towards the other boys.

“For the second time today?” Soonyoung is suddenly standing next to you.

“So you did see what happened earlier!” you exclaimed, hitting his arm lightly. “It was weird, right?!”

“Can’t tell yet,” Soonyoung replies cocking his head to the side and putting his hands in his pocket. “Sometimes Jeonghan is just sort of naturally flirtatious. But I’m not sure about you. I figured since you two didn’t get along at first, it’d take him awhile to warm up to you at that level. He seemed to get comfortable with you quite quickly.” Soonyoung turns and shrugs at you after his words.

“You’re no help at all,” you say emotionlessly. There’s a pause before both you and Soonyoung slowly look at each other and laugh at your quip.

You decide to brush off your new concerns about Jeonghan and enjoy this night with the boys. The vendor was right, it was a good memory, and you’re sure it’d last you for your whole lifetime.

*****

You hate yourself a bit for it, but you once again seem to be avoiding Jeonghan. He had made you so nervous that day, and the way your heart pounded… You didn’t want to get sucked into having a silly crush on him if he wasn’t actually trying to flirt with you.

No, from now on, interactions with Jeonghan would be friendly but short and appropriate.

You were stupid to think he wouldn’t notice.

It wasn’t long before there came a night when Jeonghan insisted that he be the one to give you a ride home. You couldn’t help the way your nerves spiked at his determination to be the one to take you. You knew he most likely wanted to talk to you about your sudden distance from him.

The ride itself was nice, Jeonghan rolled the windows down for you, remembering that you enjoyed the warm night air of summer. You talked comfortably with one another. Jeonghan was always able to make you smile so easily.

You couldn’t stop yourself from staring at him. He was just wearing a t-shirt and sweats but… His blonde hair being illuminated in the moonlight as he ran his hands through it and his bright smile as he laughed...

He really was beautiful.

Once again, Jeonghan came with you to walk you to your door. And once again, he finally spoke up in the elevator, “You’ve been avoiding me, sweetheart.” Your heart drops to your stomach at the nickname. “Is everything ok? Did I do something to make you mad again?”

You quickly shake your head and pull your hands up to shake them as well, “No! Not at all!”

“You sure?” he insists.

“Yoon Jeonghan, you really don’t think I’d tell you if you did?” you say.

He giggles, “Yeah, that’s true. You’d let me know the moment I messed up, wouldn’t you?” The elevator dings and opens up to your floor. You and Jeonghan step out together. “Is everything else ok, then? You don’t start avoiding people for no reason.”

You nod as casually as possible, “Everything is great.” Your tone isn’t convincing and Jeonghan nudges you. “I guess, I just got… nervous? I mean one moment we were like enemies and then the next we were suddenly really… close, and-”

“I made you uncomfortable?” Jeonghan’s voice is slightly panicked.

“No, you did nothing wrong! It’s all on me, I just got caught up in my emotions and-” you stop abruptly when you realize what you were about to do.

Jeonghan nods quietly as if to say he understands, but what it is he understands, you’re not sure. “Is it ok for us to remain close, or do you want me to back off?”

“I don’t want any more distance between us, but…” you trail off.

“But, what?” he prompts you again.

“I don’t want to get the wrong idea about anything…” you say, finally reaching your door.

Jeonghan watches as you slowly unlock your door and push it open, “You haven’t gotten the wrong idea about anything.” He avoids eye contact when you look up at him.

You’re shocked by his forwardness. But once he voices his thoughts out loud, you once again feel the feeling of a weight being lifted.

Jeonghan gestures for you to step inside, catching your arm once you fully pass him. He pulls you back to him, close enough for him to lean in and leave a quick kiss on your cheek, “Night, babe, I’ll see you later.”

You stand there, completely still, staring at your door that had shut closed in front of you. You can feel heat rise from the tip of your toes all the way up to your ears. You finally let yourself fall into a squatting position, covering your face with your hands, and letting out a squeal.

*****

Jeonghan invites you to meet up outside of the dorm. It’s a cute little coffee shop at a quiet part of the city. You’re already sitting when he walks in. Maybe one day, you won’t be completely caught off guard by his beauty… but today is not that day.

His whole person is bathed in the glow of the early morning light as he approaches you, the softest, most genuine smile gracing his face.

“No, don’t get up,” he says when you try to leave your chair, “I need to go off and order anyways.” Jeonghan leans down to kiss your forehead firmly. “I just wanted to come say hi first,” he whispers, holding your face close to his.

Your first date sets a wonderful precedent to the rest of your relationship. Jeonghan gets your heart racing with flirty comments and sweet touches. But he also makes you feel calm and content, easily keeping a smile on your face. You just feel… good throughout it all.

You insist on walking him back to the dorm, since they had schedules that day.

“So, we’ll be doing this again?” Jeonghan asks hopefully, as you reach the front door.

“Definitely,” you nod enthusiastically up at him, wondering how you had ever managed to despise the man that made you feel so whole and happy.

Jeonghan looks utterly happy and a tiny bit nervous as he stares down at you. His hand reaches up to brush back your hair before settling firmly against your face. Jeonghan looks at you so fondly as he leans in. His lips connect to yours… so softly… so sweetly. You can feel his nose nudge against your face to push it into a preferred position. He pulls back slightly after every little kiss to let out laughter so sweet, it sounds like it should be coming from the mouth of an angel. But he’s never far away for long, reconnecting to you quickly every time. You let him take the lead, allowing his lips to take care of yours, giving them the sweetest kind of attention. He pulls back for a moment longer to nuzzle his nose against yours, an action that has you gripping his shirt to keep him close. His hands keep themselves entertained by running across your face or through your hair.

He’s going back in to kiss you once again when he front door of the dorm opens, leaving you caught in the act. Wonwoo stares at you two for a long moment before making a single comment that causes you and Jeonghan to laugh.

“You know, when I said I wanted you two to have a better relationship, this isn’t exactly what I meant.”

[tendouluvr]

aizawa calling you clingy - gn reader

- [attempt at] angst to fluff

- warnings: being called clingy, aizawa gets annoyed with reader and berates them, one use of the word ‘shit’

- wc: 1.9k

a/n: this wasnt......as sad as i wanted... i cant tell if im just not so good at writing angst or immune to it T_T

once again, not edited!

#! aizawa!!!! eee

#! hes a levelheaded man so arguments are rare

#! u both trust one another so theres no reason to have doubts in ur relationship

#! being his s/o, he tells u things thats not so easy to tell others over time, and you’re patient enough to let him take however much time he needs to let u in

#! however, years of keeping to himself most of the time doesnt just disappear even if you’re his s/o

#! so aizawa does have this tendency to close off and distance himself from u bc of his stress and insecurities

walking through the spacious halls of ua, you were headed towards your lovely boyfriend. aizawas been pretty busy lately with teaching his class, making sure no one is being left behind progress wise, doing his job as a pro-hero, and then spending his free time training with shinsou.

you knew showing up at school unexpectedly was something aizawa found irky, that’s why you made sure to tell him the night before that you would be coming during lunch time to bring him some yummy homemade food.

humming softly to yourself, you finally reached the door opening to class 1-A and walked in. the classroom was empty, but there at the front was no one other than mr. aizawa shouta. you quickly greeted him with a smile and he turned to look at you.

“what are you doing here?” he slowly asked with a look of confusion.

“i brought you some food! did you eat yet? i hope not, i made-,” you quickly stopped talking once you noticed the look he was giving you.

“why are you here? i already told you, you shouldnt be showing up without letting me know first. our relationship is quiet, if the students see they’ll get noisy and ask questions, i’ll get bombarded by my colleagues, and it’ll put you in danger if words get out. did anyone see you coming here? can you listen to me for once instead of continuing to always be near me? you’re so damn clingy and need to start thinking about the consequences your action will bring. i already ate, just go home before anything happens.”

your jaw dropped a little after hearing what he just said to you. did he not remember what you told him last night?

worst of all, you couldnt believe he just called you clingy. you just wanted to do something nice for him by making his favorite food hoping that it’ll relieve some of the stress thats been building up, but he just thought of you as clingy.

fine, if clingy is what you are then you’ll stop bothering him. you quickly whispered an apology, not sure if he could hear or not, and began making your way back home as fast as possible. the food you made for him was still tightly grasped in your hand.

due to the new dormitories, aizawa stays at ua majority of the time. he comes home to your shared apartment whenever he can to spend time with you. unfortunately, those time aren’t usually much because as soon as he’s free, he’s quick to do something else.

once you’ve made it home, you packed the food away and put it in the fridge. you felt your phone buzzing repeatedly, already guessing who it could possibly be, you took it out to see it was your boyfriend.

shou <3: im sorry

shou <3: honey, im so sorry. pls text me back when u can

shou <3: i know what i said hurted u, but i promise u i dont mean it. pls just call me or text me so we can talk about this

shou <3: i have to go back now. but i love u. so much.

staring at your screen, you contemplated texting him back.

letting out a sigh, you decided not to.

putting your phone to the side, you walked to the bedroom and changed out of your clothes into the comfy pjs you were wearing right before you left.

seeing that there was nothing for you to do other than wallow in your insecurities and let out a few tears, you got into bed and made yourself comfortable for an afternoon nap.

aizawa on the other hand was at school and distracted. his own words kept replaying over and over in his head and all he wants to do is smack himself a few times (after comforting u ofc).

his students could tell he was in a badder mood than usual so they collectively agreed to not worsen it (one particular student does not care. can u guess?). aizawa just wanted the day to pass so he can apologize to you directly and make it up with some cuddling.

despite being distracted with planning his apology and thinking about you, he was still teaching as he should and constantly telling his students to be quiet because he’s intimidating like that.

a few hours passed, the students are back in their dorms and some of the teachers are still in school finishing up some work. the hallways were empty and silent, and the weather outside was nice and calm - not too sunny with just the right amount of wind.

however, if you were to peek your head inside of class 1-A at the moment, the environment is an exact 180. aizawa is quickly trying to grade the remaining stack of papers he has on his desk so he can leave as soon as he can. there’s papers everywhere, he’s not so sure where the answer key went off to but to hell with the answer key. he just needs to go home.

his hair is messily tied up and his lips have probably been gnawed off by now. as soon as school ended, he got out his phone to see if you replied and sadly you didn’t. he doesn’t blame you though, considering all of the shit he said to you earlier. 

finally writing down the fat score in red pen onto the final paper, he gathers everything and put to the side of his desk and packed up his stuff. his stuff being his yellow sleeping bag and that’s it.

he went to his room first to clean himself up a bit, and then grabbed a taxi to go to your shared apartment. arriving at the front door, he takes out his copy of the key and entered.

first thing he noticed while entering and taking off his shoes was that the apartment was dark and quiet. he made his way to the kitchen first and turned on its lights to check the fridge. in the fridge laid the food you made for him earlier today. he took it out to start heating it up in the microwave then he walks away from the food and to your bedroom.

quietly opening the door, he poked his head in to see you laying on your side with your back facing the door. he assumed you were asleep and gently closed the door to not wake you up. he made his way over to the bed and sat on the edge of it. 

you, feeling the bed dip, slowly opened your eyes to be greeted with the sight of your boyfriend gingerly brushing his fingertips across your cheekbones. he notices that you’re awake and looks up to meet your eyes.

making eye contact with him, you quietly grunted and brought the blanket up to cover your face while turning your entire body to the other side to ignore him. aizawa sighed and brought his hand down to rest on your waist as he begins talking.

“yn... i know you’re.. mad at me for the things i said to you earlier, but i’m truly sorry. i know saying i didn’t mean it isn’t good enough for you to forgive me, but i want you to know i’m really really sorry. i’ve been so busy for the past few days, my head is all over the place, seeing you at school just got me overthinking and worried that i ended up saying things about you that’s not true at all. i love you so much, hun. you’re the best thing to happen to me. you don’t have to forgive me now, i understand if you want some space.”

it was silent for some time after he finished his apology. the echoing silence was slowly making aizawa worried that you’ll leave him, but he won’t tell you that. thinking that you wanted space, he lifted his shaky hand off of your waist and moved to get off of the bed when you suddenly grabbed onto his hand to keep him there.

“i...i told you the day before that i was going to be visiting you during lunch time. did you not remember? or even hear me tell you?”

aizawa situated himself back down onto the bed before replying. “if i’m being honest, i don’t really remember much of that day at all. my brain was occupied with work and rest, so i was practically drained by the end of the night. i’m sorry i took it out on you, it’s my fault for overworking when i know you’ve been trying to help.”

letting out a soft sigh, you turned your body back towards him. still holding onto his hand, you carefully slotted your fingers in between his and pulled him down to lay with you. he immediately found comfort in this and placed his head into your neck. you could feel his facial hair against your skin making you let out a quiet giggle.

“i love you. i know you have a habit to overwork since that’s all you did before we dated, but please shou, take care of yourself. im not talking physically, cuz you’re already so damn fine, but mentally. i hate seeing you bury yourself in work and training that it even makes me tired just watching you.”

he grumbled something against your neck - his usual reaction to you complimenting him - and held onto you tighter while putting light kisses on your collarbone.

“i know. i will. please bear with me, i know i’m a pain but i’ll always try to be my best for you. i’m never letting you go, love you too much for that.”

“hmm? who said i’m going? you’re stuck with me forever just so you know,” you laughed and patted his head before rising from the bed.

“i heard you heating up the food earlier. get up and come eat,” you tugged aizawa to get him off the bed.

he grumbled once again because he was being forced to leave the warm comfort of your shared bed, but followed you out anyway holding onto your hand.

“wait. you heard me entering? so you were pretending to sleep when i got here?! not funny, babe. not funny. -also don’t take sleep for granted. i did and look where that got me. stop laughing!”

bonus:

it was the next day and aizawa just finished passing out the grades he rushed grading yesterday. even though it was rushed, he was confident that there wasn’t any mistakes-

“aizawa sensei, you marked this question wrong when it’s right. this one too. and this other one on the last page. are you trying to fail me?!” denki dramatically wailed as he showed aizawa his papers.

guess he did make mistakes after all.

[pepper-up-potion]

One page, one kiss (Sirius black x Gn!reader)

Summary: Reader wants to read but Sirius isn’t much of a reader. Maybe kisses can create a good compromise.

Warnings: sooooo things didn’t go as planned and now there’s a steamy kiss, some hand on thigh action and a little hinting at the possibility of other things. That being said I feel like it’s pretty PG13 and sfw so it’s up to you if you want to read it or not. Other than that there aren’t any, everything else is fluff.

Word count: 1119

A/n: So I had a whole outline and everything planned out and then this “steamy” kiss (but it’s not acc steamy, like I don’t want you to get your hopes up) and all sort of came out of nowhere. Sorry about that folks! The kiss per page is a thing that my boyfriend created to motivate me to read cuz I’m not much of a reader (though I really am trying to read more). I feel like there’s always more important things to do than read but once I start I actually really like it. I sort of saw Sirius like me in that sense.

“So what do you want to do today?” Asks Sirius, walking towards you. You lift a finger to tell Sirius to wait as you finish reading your sentence. You then place that finger on the word on your page, saving your place and look up at him.

“Read.” You state simply from the couch.

There’s a stutter in his step. “All day?” He asks, a pure look of shock on his face.

“All day.” You affirm with a small proud smile. Sirius plops on the couch next to you with a heavy sigh.

“What am I to do?” He huffs, throwing his arms in the air and pouting. You smile to yourself, there’s nothing cuter than a pouting Sirius Black. You slide over to him and turn to face him. You push a strand of his hair behind his ear.

“You could read too, you know.” There’s no judgment in your recommendation. Your voice is soft and patient. You know Sirius doesn’t like to read much but you try to encourage him to do things, much like he does for you.

Sirius being Sirius, is dramatic enough to fall onto your lap and cover his eyes, as if trying to hide from the idea of reading. You roll your eyes but you have nothing but adoration for Sirius.

“Aw c’mon Sirius, give it a try.” You nudge him with your elbow. He peaks between his fingers hesitantly. You tickle his chin gently and flash an enticing smile. Sirius doesn’t move, apparently not ticklish. You try to pull his hands away from his eyes instead. He finally gives in and let’s you gently pull them down to his chest. You hold his hands in place, rubbing circles on the back of them.

You lean down for a short kiss on the lips. Sirius hums and chases your lips as you pull away and sit back up. He pouts again, giving you puppy dog eyes for another kiss.

That’s when you get a wicked idea. You push a finger to Sirius’ lips and smile. “I’ve got an idea.”

Sirius tilts his head, waiting for you to elaborate. “We make a deal. For every page read, you get a kiss.” You propose.

Sirius thinks about it. You know he’s trying to find a loophole. A way he can get kisses without having to crack open a book. You patiently run your hand through his hair, knowing he’ll eventually cave.

“Fine.” He sighs. You try to hide your smile. It’s a delicate victory. He could change his mind anytime. You pick up your wand from the couch armrest and summon Sirius’ book. It takes a while, he probably buried it deep under a pile of clothes.

Sirius settles next to you, opening his book with a sigh. You give him a teasing hum before opening your own book and starting to read.

You flip your page once you’ve finished reading the last sentence and quickly start the new page, engrossed in your story.

“Kiss.” You jump a little, forgetting Sirius was even next to you. You give him a confused look before you remember your deal. You smile softly, gladly accepting a kiss from your boyfriend.

You lean forward and plant a short and sweet kiss to Sirius’ lips. When you pull back, Sirius gives you a triumphant look, happy with his little victory.

The same situation happens again after every page you or Sirius finishes. Soon enough Sirius finishes his first chapter and sits up.

“You know, I worked pretty hard to get to the end of this chapter.” He pauses.

You nod slowly, “yes, and I’m very proud of you for that.” There’s a hint of hesitation in your voice. You know your boyfriend too well to know this is just him recognizing his accomplishment.

“I think it’s only fair I get 15 kisses for finishing the chapter.” He gives you an innocent look but you can see his mischievous smile on the corner of his lips.

You lift your eyebrows and gape at Sirius. You quickly compose yourself and smile. “Is that right?” You taunt.

Sirius nods seriously. He stares into your eyes and doesn’t budge. You try to fight it, your competitive side not wanting to face but eventually you roll your eyes, accepting defeat.

“We’ll I suppose I won’t turn down the opportunity for a few more kisses.” You say with a sarcastic sigh. In seconds Sirius is hovering close to your face. You wrap your arms around his neck and pull him in.

The first couple of kisses are just little pecs on the lips but soon your kisses evolve into open mouthed ones. Sirius brings his hand up to your face and cups your cheek. He places his second hand behind your head and guides you down on the couch so you’re lying down. He props one arm on either side of your head and slips his tongue past your lips. You grab the back of his head and pull him even closer, deepening the kiss.

Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen. You count in your head.

You push on Sirius’ chest and he groans. “That’s fifteen. Back to your book mister.” You say cheekily.

Sirius steps off of you and grabs his book. You sit up and settle back on the couch with your book. Suddenly there’s a warm hand curled around your thigh. He never looks away from his book but there’s a gentle squeeze when you look at him with wide eyes. Maybe reading isn’t the only thing you’ll be doing today after all.

Turns out you were severally wrong. As Sirius goes from page to page and chapter to chapter, the kisses become rushed and almost undesired. You realize Sirius is so hooked in his book that he would rather read than kiss. Eventually he even stops kissing you altogether.

While you do miss the cute little kiss routine, you are happier to see Sirius being so engrossed into his story. It also gives you the chance to read without interruption. Eventually Sirius lays his head in your lap with his book held up above his head. You play with his hair and focus on your own book, sometimes looking down to watch him zoom through his book.

Hours fly past, the both of you lost in your books. You first spot it out of the corner or your eye. Sirius turns another page and you realize he is at the last one of his book. There’s a sudden pride that swells in your chest. Comparing the morning where he was whining about having to read and him now finishing his book.

He suddenly snaps his book shut, breaking the relaxing silence in the room. He sits up and turns to look at you. You open your mouth to comment on how happy you are that he completed a book but he speaks first.

“You owe me 510 kisses.” His face is dead serious. He sits with his book closed on his lap and waits. When you don’t move, feeling quite stunned, he puckers his lips a little and gives you puppy dog eyes.

There’s the Sirius you know. Always finding loopholes in every situation.

[genshin-impact-fics]

Streamer!Genshin Reacting to Character!(Y/N) Dying in Game

!Warning!: Major character deaths & angst

Characters: Diluc, Venti, Childe, & Zhongli

Diluc:

It was a race to get inside one of the bases of the Abyss Order to put a stop to whatever plans they were in the process of executing that could potentially put many lives in danger. Diluc was rather calm while playing though it would be a lie to say that it wasn’t a bit annoying that the route to the domain was timed

It was once inside the domain did things pick up fast as it seemed to be a fighting wave system which after beating the first two rooms there was a short scene where in the end Lisa and Amber stayed behind to hold off the incoming enemies so the rest of the group could go further. It seemed like forever doing some of the puzzles to unlock the doors to reach the next fight

In that fourth room after the defeat of hilichurls and abyss mages did suddenly a short cut scene appear to show the appearance of an Abyss Lector. As remembering how much he hated fighting this guy in the spiral abyss he already knew what he was in for; however that was until your character stepped forward with your weapon ready. Diluc was actually sad to have to leave you behind as he was hoping that you’d be one of the characters that went with him to the very end

“I think I’ve watched enough shows and movies to know what this could be leading up to.” He’d comment to his viewers as he finally reached the destination where the Abyss Herald was. Finishing the fight triggered another cutscene as the traveler’s sibling appeared and was making their small speech, asking if the lives of the “friends” the traveler made were worth losing

Diluc is watching with a straight face as he kinda expected this but the who was what he wasn’t sure about and truthfully the only one he’d be truly heartbroken about is your death, but they wouldn’t kill you now of all times right? Wrong; soon the cutscene finally came across where they had left you and you were leaning against the wall extremely injured with your weapon laying beside you. Diluc is frowning cuz he has to watch you die now

Listening to your final words as you spoke to no one Diluc would sulk in his chair a little. In the last moment before your eyes closed, if you mentioned something about not getting to tell his character your true feelings it is visible that Diluc looks like he wants to cry(but he doesn't). Once the screen showed the mission complete he’d grab the plush he had of your character and hold it looking at his camera. “Of all the characters I thought were going to die, I wasn’t ready for it to be (y/n).” At that point he’d probably call it a day from there but he’d still talk to his viewers as he probably would watch the tribute videos that fans had already made

Venti:

Everything was in chaos as it looked like archon war 2 was going to be taking place, but this time it was a war between the Abyss Order and the Archons. He was heading to Mondstadt to help and to check on you. Dvalin was flying around sending attacks at the abyss members. “Ah traveler there you are!” The sound of your voice as you landed before him; as weird as it was to see you in your archon robes was odd but you looked so good! After a short conversation you had gone flying off and it was time to get back to fighting

Things were looking good as it seemed like they were winning against the abyss order though it wasn’t over yet. It was until up in the air did a cutscene starting showing you and the traveler’s sibling fighting going at it. Venti is so captivated by how serious and cool you look fighting, but it all changed when the sibling landed a blow that caused you to fall from the sky ending up falling into the Whispering Woods

Venti couldn’t run fast enough to get to the woods to check up on you but when he did the first thing he saw was the sibling standing before you. He’s already sad and yelling at the sibling for hurting you though it seemed that now he was there the sibling went and disappeared revealing the real condition you were in. “No, no, no! This better not mean (y/n)’s dying.” He’d say in denial as he’s already starting to cry a little

“A-Ah Windblume h-haha… Sorry you have to see me like this.” Even in a moment like this you gave him such a cheesy grin until you seemed to grimace in pain. “Unfortunately it seems like… This is it for me. As long as the winds blow I will always be with you, so please watch over Mondstadt for me.” Your words were making Venti cry as it was like back in your story quest but only ten times worse. And to think it was already painful as it was your next words that did him in. “Maybe in another life we will find each other again and maybe then we can be together.”

Watching you start to glow until you turned into partials of light till nothing of you was left, Venti is devastated. The chat is crying with him as he’s saying how awful it was that his sibling had killed the love of his life! His viewers are going to send him fanart and fics to look at that was an alternative that you lived in the game

Childe:

It was a big fight with the confrontation of the Fatui Harbingers, facing off against one of the other stronger members that blocked the path to proceed to seeing the Tsaritsa. The boss’ first stage was fine; however during the second stage it seemed after losing a certain amount of health the damage that Childe was dealing significantly decreased.

It was when the cutscene started that Childe was already dreading the foul legacy form he’d be facing this time. You suddenly came out of nowhere and already in your foul legacy form yourself Childe is going crazy over how cool you look; he’s also swooning at the fact that you’ve come to his rescue. The fighting progressed until you landed a successful hit that weakened the other harbinger; however, at that same time the other harbinger managed to hit you with a powerful attack

Childe is screaming at the sight of your mask breaking while you fell to the ground. He’s so glad that his character is running over to check on you instead of the fight picking right up, but he’s already feeling the feels hit him hard cuz he hates seeing you hurt. Seeing you back to normal, the damage you sustained was really bad; then the worst thought came to his mind. “This-This better not be what I think it is,” he’s saying not looking away from the screen listening to you weakly talk

“Haha don’t give me that look sweetie, I couldn’t just let this be where your journey ends.” Hearing those words and the nickname you used for his character was sad. “To think we’d be able to travel together more, but hey… Promise you won’t stop fighting and could you look after my siblings for me.” Childe is literally crying now that the reality of the situation is clear. If he gets a choice of dialog to choose from he is going to pick the choice that says that he pinky promises

If your character smiled at the choice he wanted to smile but he’s also just sad, you were dying in his character's arms. If you had given a small love confession in the little bit of life that was in you, he’s going to ugly sob and once the fight was starting again he needs to pause by going into his bag

Immediately he goes getting his big plush of you and coming back to hug it and cleaning his tears with his sleeve before looking at the camera. “I wasn’t ready for this, my baby!” He was not expecting to be losing you; he figured that some characters would possibly die but you were the last character he thought would be killed off in the game. There’s Fs in the chat all around and the crying emote; it’s sad boi hours in this chili’s. He doesn't wanna do the fight but also he gotta avenge you so this last stage fight was for you. Afterwards he’s gonna go look at fanart and video edits

Zhongli:

After helping some of the other nations and their archon’s fend off the abyss order it was time he headed to Liyue to find you. Of course as usual it wasn’t going to be as easy as running around the harbor until he got word from Xiao that you were in Cuijue Slope. So he headed over to help you before anything seriously bad could happen to you

Getting to the open area there you were fighting against the sibling as you were even in your archon robes. Going in and interrupting the fight his sibling clearly looked annoyed and proceeded to try to get him to side with them which of course he didn’t. A Herald appeared to allow the sibling to get away which the fight with the Herald commenced

Just when Zhongli finished up the fight thinking he had won it strangely went to a cutscene as his character and you started to talk; however it was when the fallen Herald came out of nowhere about to attack his character but must to his surprise you shielded him not only taking the hit, but also using your elemental burst to finish off the enemy. Zhongli is frowning at how badly you were hurt as he already has a bad feeling this wasn’t going to end good; the traveler was helping you sit up after having fallen over

“I’m glad to see that you aren’t hurt my friend.” You said as you certainly have seen better days. “Sadly I believe my time has come… Do not be sad dear friend, I have lived many many years… As knowing you has been life changing. Though rocks change from erosion, know that no time will change how I felt about you.” Your words broke his heart as you had such a soft expression on your face as your body began to glow and before he knew it you turned into particles of light and disappeared. He probably wouldn’t cry at most maybe a tear but he is clearly upset about your passing in game and would take a break to talk to his viewers and maybe look at the fanart that surprisingly had been put out already

[your-daily-biaswrecking]

hii :)

could you do a drabble where the reader and yoongi were in an arranged marriage for a while. She thought that Yoongi cheated on her so she asked for a divorce. Yoongi as a cold husband pleaseee !! So Yoongi gives her a rough + angry sex ?? to prove he's not cheating? hehehhe

love all your writings btw, you have so much ideas to be posting lots in a day !!! :)

thank youu !

damn this turned out bigger than normal cuz-- plot... and i didn't want to write a pt2 so i'm just putting it under the cut and let's just still pretend it's a "drabble"

You didn’t remember much from that night. Just some general feelings, like how annoyed and lonely you were. How you needed your husband but he wasn’t there. When you woke up the next morning, head throbbing from your hangover, Yoongi was missing from your shared bed. And even though you didn’t want to assume things, when you noticed multiple hickeys on his neck later that day, you had no choice but to think of the only logical conclusion: your husband was cheating on you.

It hurt. Sure, your marriage had been arranged, so perhaps he didn’t really want to be with you. But somewhere in the process of it all, you had fallen for him. He was always serious and keeping his guard up around you, but there were moments that you thought deep down he was actually a nice guy. And that he cared for you. I guess you were wrong. Who would ever do such a thing to someone they care about even the slightest?

At first, you thought you could put it past you. This was more of a contract than a marriage anyway, from the beginning. But it hurt you every time you saw him, every time he did a tiny, little nice thing for you, like cooking you breakfast or texting you to let you know he would be home late. As if you two were actually a couple. It hurt you so much you needed to put an end to it.

“I want a divorce.” You didn’t wait for the right time or something like that, just blurted it out one evening right after you had gotten done eating in mostly silence.

Yoongi was still in control over his facial expressions, yet barely. A tiny frown, a tiny widening of his eyes gave his shock away. “What? Why?”

You took a deep breath, looking away to be able to keep your composure; looking at him made your knees too weak. “I agreed on this marriage. I agreed to try and make it work even though I knew it would be hard,” you explained. “But I will not tolerate cheating. I want a divorce.”

“Cheating?” His voice was low, truly confused. “What are you talking about?”

“I know, Yoongi. You don’t need to pretend.”

“What? I never-”

“I saw the hickeys you had all over you last Sunday.” The sentence shut him up, blank face taking its place over his shocked expression and you couldn’t read him. You gulped. “Or are you gonna claim those were mosquito bites?”

And then Yoongi laughed. Sound so contrasting to his usual attitude, sending chills down your spine. It didn’t last long, however, face serious again as he stared at you intensely. “Are you serious right now?” he barked, and you were starting to feel a bit scared. He took a step towards you. “You really don’t know who gave me those hickeys?”

You frowned, taken aback by his answer. “How would I- What does it matter?”

Yoongi chuckled again, reaching you across the kitchen until he was just a breath away. Looking down at you with dark eyes. “You were so fucking wasted that night, I guess I need to refresh your memory,” he whispered. And before you could even react, he lifted you up, legs straddling his waist as you yelped, arms snaking around his shoulders awkwardly as you were trying not to fall while he carried you to your bedroom.

“Yoon-”

“See?” he said, dropping you on the bed sideways. And his body loomed over yours. “This is where you laid while you were begging me to fuck you dumb. Do you not remember?” You gasped at his words, squirming in order to escape. But his hands were on your waist, pinning you down, and suddenly you knew the feeling wasn’t unfamiliar. This had happened before. “Now what?” Yoongi growled into your ear. “You want to divorce me because you were sucking my neck and I was too weak to pull you away too fast? I did. It was so fucking hard but I pulled away and left because... I told you many times that if this was gonna happen, it should happen the right way. Not when you are black-out drunk. But you were crying and telling me how badly you wanted me. I had to jerk off alone because of how hard you got me with your begging. Was that all the alcohol talking? You didn’t even look at me the next morning.”

You had never heard him talk so much. And your face was burning as that night got clearer in your memories. As the realization that Yoongi wanted you as much as you wanted him settled in. “Yoongs, I-”

“No, shh…” He placed a finger over your lips. “You really have the audacity to think I’m cheating on you when all I’ve been doing is falling for you? Trying to turn this marriage into something actually nice? I’ve been trying to fuck you for so long, you really think I give a shit about fucking anyone else?”

The way his words affected you was surely clear to him as well. Your legs tried to close, yet only resulted in caging him against your hip harder, pushing him down until you could feel his hard dick through his pants. “I- I didn’t know, I…”

Yoongi ground down on you harder, breath unsteady and hot over your lips. “Tell me now, once and for all,” he whispered while his hands started roaming over your body, not even touching you anywhere specifically yet making you gasped with every graze. Distance between you so short it was intoxicating your brain. “Tell me if you want me to stop right now, and I won’t bother you again. Otherwise, I will not stop even if you’re begging me later.” His voice was so coarse you could tell his brain was rotten with want as well. Staring at your lips, waiting for the green light to devour them, probably barely registering anything else.

“Yoongi,” you whined. “Need you… Don’t stop…”

His mouth on yours was such a relief, lips and tongue soft as they played against yours. It didn’t last long before he was groaning, backing off to pull your shirt over your head aggressively, discarding his as well, and grabbing you by the waist to push you further up the bed. His skin was hot on yours, his mouth instantly back on your neck, giving you the treatment you had given him that forgotten night. And his roaming hands found your pants to pull them down while you were distracted. One slipping in your underwear to steal a touch of your center.

“Fuck,” he choked. And then he grabbed a fistful of your hair to turn your head to look at him. “What a nice, wet pussy. And you really thought I’d wanna fuck anyone else’s?” He looked mad when he pulled your clothes completely off you, getting naked as well. Hand wrapped around his thick member, allowing you only one glance before he was over you again, tip brushing against your entrance. “Let me show you, baby,” he rasped, and you were mewling under him. “This pretty pussy is mine, this is the one I want.”

“Yoon…” Your whine was interrupted when he pushed into you, not giving you any room to get used to his dick. His lips were on yours again, hand on your hair pulling it harshly as he started thrusting into you right away. You felt euphoric, your husband finally fucking you hard after all this time of suffering the sexual tension alone. And your fingers scratched his back while moans escaped into his bruising kiss.

Yoongi gave you a few very deep thrusts, hitting your cervix and making you cry before he pulled away again. “Feel that, baby?” he groaned. “Feel how well I’m fucking you- that’ll shut you up, won’t it?” He pulled out, grabbing your hips and flipping you around with no warning. He grabbed you by the ankles to drag you closer to him, and then slapped your ass hard.

“Ah, Yoongi!” You raised your ass higher, on your knees while your face was buried in the sheets.

“That’s right, baby,” he said in a low voice. And he spanked you again. “Scream my name.” Another spank, softer than the others, while he stroked and kneaded your ass. “Scream your husband's name to let everyone know who’s fucking you so hard.” And he buried his cock deep inside you again. “Scream my name to remind yourself that you have me, baby.”

You were a panting mess. Your orgasm building inside you so wildly that you felt like you were about to combust instead of cum. And you dared sneak a hand down to rub your clit while you were moaning his name like a prayer. “Oh, Yoongi, please… Fuck, please…”

He smacked your hand away when he noticed, growling and grabbing your hair to pull it until your back was arched, mouth coming right next to your ear to whisper dangerously. “If you’re gonna cum, you’ll cum because of my cock inside you. Got it?”

You were nodding immediately. Although you were probably gonna cum because of his deep voice and harsh dirty words. “I’m gonna…”

“Good girl,” he growled, diving his teeth in the side of your neck. And it was what did it for you, shouting out while your eyes rolled to the back of your head and your vision turned black, pussy pulsing frantically around him.

“Shit,” he gasped, hips faltering. Then he let go of your hair only to grab your neck from the front, still pulling you back to have his face buried in your nape. “Gonna let me paint those pussy walls white with my cum, baby?” And you were moaning again at that, feeling like you were gonna cum again before you even came down from your previous high. Yoongi smacked your ass abruptly, making you yelp and give him the permission he needed. And he hummed, satisfied, his hips finding the rhythm he needed to finish. “My lovely wife,” he whispered sweetly even though his actions were anything but that. “Don’t worry, I’ll fuck you good all the time. Just so you know I don’t even have the fucking time to be seeing anyone else.” And then he spilled into you for the very first time.

Masterlist

[ijustwant2write]

Call Me By My Name-Pietro Maximoff x Powers!Reader

(GIF credit to @dailymarvelposts​)

Tags: @bloodorangemoonlight​ @amirahiddleston​

Requested by @husherstan​ : ‘could you write a one w pietro maximoff? idk if you know about a trend on tik tok where a gf or bf call them partners by they first name. Reader and Pietro are enemies cuz them both are always trying to be the best of t team, reader calls him by others names and when she (or gn) calls by him real name he was like "why are you calling me like that? whats wrong with you? are you feeling bad today?" (and he likes her so fucking much, a simp)’

Characters: Pietro Maximoff x Reader, Avengers team x Reader

Meanings: (Y/N)=Your name   

(Character has the power of force fields, that both generate electricity and provide protection for them/others)  

Warnings: Name calling, bullying, arguing, fluff

                                      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“For the last time, watch where you’re going Speedy Gonzales!” I snapped as Pietro almost knocked me over again.

His form whizzed around the room once more before stopping in front of me.“Maybe try keeping up next time.”

I was startled by the force he left behind as he ran off again making a show of circling the entire training room multiple times, creating a small wave of air. I groaned loudly as I went back to jogging. He was such a show off, it infuriated me. We weren’t here to compete against each other, we were supposed to be a team; but when he waltzed around the place boasting about how fast he was, it was really hard not to step up to the plate. 

Pietro was running faster than usual, trying to overlap me dozens of times, more than he would have done in a normal session. It got on my last nerve, making me stop, my powers already flowing through my arms. It would be hard to pinpoint him, so I charged up a huge ball of electricity, casting it out harshly. I just managed to catch him, laughing as he yelped out in surprise, being thrown high into the air before landing on the sparring mats. I saw him slowly get up, clearly I had caused some pain. My fun was soon ended as he ran towards me again, having to quickly put up a force field that would protect me. Pietro bounced off it, though I hadn’t put any charge in this one, so he only fell on his backside.

“Enough!” Wanda yelled out, though we still kept our guard up around each other.“Really (Y/N)? You can relax now.”

“I don’t trust him.” I replied.

She sighed.“Come on, Steve wants to talk about the mission.”

“Why? We debriefed three days ago.”

“Something to do with it being on the news.” she shrugged, walking away.

Pietro glanced back at me, looking me up and down before following his sister. However, he didn’t look at me with disgust or anything of the sort, it was almost as if he was checking me out. I tutted at myself, why on Earth would he ever look at me like that?

I wasn’t happy joining the meeting in my sweaty state.Everyone else was dressed and put together, but at least Pietro looked similar. The team was gathered around a table, looking to Steve who was stood at the front, his arms crossed over his chest. He had the look of disappointment on his face, which meant bad news for the rest of us...or whoever was in trouble. With no seats left, I copied Steve’s stance at the back of the room, rolling my eyes when Pietro stood beside me.

“Sorry to call you guys in on such short notice.” Steve started.“But I feel that we have to discuss something that’s starting to effect the team.”

He pulled up a screen showing the news. It had images and videos of our last mission. We were raiding an old factory on the edge of the city, finding a terrorist group hiding out there as they worked on their gadgets. News coverage showed the team fighting from a helicopter view, and we were all confused as to why Steve was showing us this.

“Fastest man alive,” Pietro repeated what the reporter said,“it has a nice ring to it.”

“I wouldn’t put that in your Tinder bio.” I quipped, causing a few chuckles.

Steve looked at me.“And this is why we’re here today.”

I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion.“What?”

“You and Pietro are always at each other’s throats. It’s...well frankly, it’s exhausting listening to you two arguing all the time. And it could seriously put someone in danger whilst on a mission, even you two.”

“He always starts it-”

Pietro held up a finger.“Hold on, you do too-”

“You’re just proving his point guys.” Natasha spoke over us.

“As I was saying,” Steve brought the attention back to him,“the media has also caught onto this. There’s multiple images of you two clearly arguing, or even getting in each others way during the mission. At one point, you’re both trying to save the same person, but almost miss that chance because you’re so invested in being better than the other!”

Steve was really mad, and from everyone else’s faces, they thought the same thing.

“So until all of this changes, you two are suspended from any missions.”

“What?!” we both exclaimed.

“And you may not approach any other team member for assistance with training.”

“Why are we both being punished?” I demanded to know.

“Oh, do not play the victim here Mrs Incredible!” Pietro snapped.

“Mrs Incredible is super stretchy, it’s the daughter who has the same powers as me, you idiot!”

“See? You’re further showing me that I made the right decision. I felt bad at first, but now I know that this is the right direction to go in.” Steve raised his voice.“You’re both dismissed.”

“Well, what are the rest of you doing?” Pietro dared to ask.

“We are going to go over all the planning we have done for upcoming missions. Everything has to change because of you two. Now please go.”

I held it together as I left the room, not wanting to appear like a toddler stomping away in a tantrum. It was impossible to get away from Pietro, what with him being ‘the fastest man alive’, but I was going to try. I didn’t need another argument right now, I was upset, needed to be alone. Apparently, I wasn’t going to get that.

“Leave me alone.” I warned Pietro as he followed me.

“I can’t believe this! They’ve kicked us off the team because you always have to say something-”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“And to think, they’re going to risk not having me on the team. I help them with everything, I’m a crucial part-”

“Pietro!” I shouted, spinning on my heel to face him. 

His eyes widened at that, glancing down to my clenched up fists, little electric sparks running over them, before looking me in my teary eyes. 

I sighed, relaxing my tense shoulders and hands before leaving. There was no point trying to explain. He wouldn’t understand. We would both get mad, probably fight, the team would have to break us up; I had no energy to do that. Slowly turning away, I was surprised by the silence that followed, Pietro didn’t even follow me. 

I checked the time on the lock screen of my phone, seeing that an hour had passed since I fled from Pietro. It also made me realise how dark the room had become, the sun would set in a few minutes. But I didn’t bother turning on any lights, instead leaning back again on the chair. I was sat in an empty lobby, it was a small room, facing the floor to ceiling window that showed the landscape that surrounded the headquarters. Besides just sitting here, I should have distracted myself. Perhaps put on a film, relax after training, something to take my mind off of things. Instead, I decided to sit with my thoughts.

“H-hey.” I heard Pietro quietly say from the doorway. 

Looking over my shoulder, I didn’t reply, facing the window again when he began walking towards me. He hesitantly turned on a lamp near us, sitting on the chair beside mine. Pietro also looked out of the window, clasping his hands together for a few seconds before fidgeting. I tried to ignore it, though after an hour of peace and nothingness, it became irritating quickly.

“Can you stop?” I blurted out.“Please?”

“Are you annoyed by everything I do?” he asked.

“Not...everything. I just...doesn’t matter, it’s not like you care anyway.”

“That’s not true.”

“I’m not falling for this Pietro.”

“Why are you saying my name?”

“What?”

“You never say my name. Actually, we never say each others names.”

“And why does that matter?”

“It just feels, it feels serious.”

“I mean, we’ve basically been kicked off the team, so yeah, it’s serious.”

“We’ve not been kicked off the team (Y/N).”

“We could be if we don’t get our act together.”

“It won’t go that far-”

“But it could! I can’t believe how calm you are about the whole thing.” I stood, distancing myself from him.“I’ve worked too hard for this. Imagine what would happen if word got out that I was disbanded from the Avengers because of a tiny argument, with a team member who is so narcissistic that he can’t put others before himself!”

I realised I had began ranting, stopping myself before I said anything else hurtful. But by the look of Pietro’s face, it was already too late.

“I...I’m sorry (Y/N).” he never broke eye contact.“And before you say anything, I mean it.”

“Pietro, I-”

“I can see how much this job means to you.”

“It’s my fault too. I always try to outdo you or challenge you.”

“No, don’t be humble.” he got out of his seat, standing in front of me.“It’s almost always my fault that we argue. And I hate myself for it.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I’m usually very good with the ladies.” he grinned, though it disappeared when he realised it wasn’t time to joke.“But not around you apparently. It’s probably because you’re extremely strong and sure of yourself, and I go for a different type, the polar opposite to you.”

“Pietro, I...um...”

“I was really impressed by you when we first met. It made me nervous actually.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, all I can do is run really fast.”

“But, you’ve been on much more missions than I have. Doesn’t that say something?” I hung my head.

“Are you crazy? You’re not on those missions because they don’t need you.”

My head whipped up to see his smile drop.

“I didn’t mean it like that! I meant that those missions are for Avengers like me. The ones they can use over and over without worrying about them being too tired for the next one. What I’m trying to say is, you’re too important.”

“I never thought I would say this, but Pietro, you’re an important part of the team too. I always rose to your challenges because I felt I needed to prove something to the others. I was new, then I was accepted after all my relentless training, but when you and Wanda came along, I instantly became old news. And you didn’t even go through the rigorous regimes like I did, so I just assumed you were better than me.”

“It seems we were both wrong about each other. We were going through a lot of effort to outdo the other when we could have saved that energy for...well, anything else really.”

“Yeah. I suppose so.”

Pietro held his hand out.“Truce?”

I smiled up at him as I shook it.“Truce.”

A cheeky smirk appeared as he raised an eyebrow at me.“Let’s not tell the team about this just yet. I feel like there would be a lot of ‘I told you so’.”

“It’s like you read my mind.”

“And another thing.”

I noticed he was still holding my hand, though they were lowered now, and his grip wasn’t as firm.“Yes?”

“Can we start calling each other by our actual names?”

“I mean, I assumed we would anyway.”

“Oh, good. I just...”

“You just?”

“I just like the way it sounds when you say my name.”

[jodilin65]

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 30, 1990 Boy, is having a roommate ever going to take some getting used to! 2 or 3 years ago I’d jump at the chance to have a good, decent, honest roommate such as Andy. And you know how compatible and how much alike we are. Lately, though, I’ve been wanting to spend more and more time alone. The desire for company and for going out places is vanishing like running water down a drain. The desire to have a lover and a baby is also being flushed down the toilet. At first, I was beginning to think something was wrong with me but I now think it’s just a case of my not wanting any bullshit.

As far as a lover’s concerned, like with Brenda for example, I know I’m a decent person, I don’t hate myself, but at the same time, I feel I’m not good enough for her. I don’t want to be with someone and have to be constantly asking myself, did I do or say something wrong? Also, I don’t want to have to worry about her or anyone else not understanding me. I know and understand myself and that’s enough. What others don’t know or understand won’t hurt them. All I want is casual sex here and there. Of course, that’ll be once a lifetime cuz I’m so picky and don’t go to bars and cuz there are so few feminine ones. I have my fantasies, though, which are the most fulfilling.

Later…

I fell asleep near 6:00 this morning only to wake up at 10:00, so I do need to try to sleep more.

Also, I’m psyched for New Year’s Eve tonight as I realize I’ve got 3 more years till fame and fortune and you know I’m right with my premonitions and predictions. Speaking of those, I’ve been having more and more. Bizarre ones too that kind of freaked me out a bit. One night Brenda and I were lying in bed when I just came out and said, “Someone lost money.” She said yes, a guy in CVS. I said it was a $20 bill and she said yes it was and a lady picked it up for him.

Another thing was, a few days before December I predicted we’d have a major snowstorm on December 28th. I was right.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 24, 1990 Andy will be moving in next Saturday and storing his furniture at his old house which his brother owns. Starting tomorrow, he’s going to be bringing shit over here and there.

Ma doesn’t know, so she’ll continue paying the part of the rent she pays. She’s been a major bitch to me and was incredibly rude to both Andy and me over the phone when we spoke to her about Phoenix. She really pisses me off. Especially when last year she said she’d help financially with the move to Arizona and agreed with us as far as our reasons for moving, and now she wants nothing to do with it. I bet her anger has to do with good old Miss Jennifer C and other members of this sick family which me and Andy harassed to death over the phone, but if I receive any subpoenas, I’m not going to court.

I have not smoked since yesterday, the 23rd at 2:30 AM. It’s been 28½ hours.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 9, 1990 Brenda and I went to Tammy’s today and I got the upright vacuum I’ve been wanting from Mom and Dad, and Tammy and Bill and the kids gave me a gorgeous necklace with matching earrings and another pair of earrings and some perfume.

Tammy was upset cuz she could sense something was wrong with me and at first, I wouldn’t talk to her. I explained to her how I broke up with Brenda cuz I’m so used to being alone and I felt I wasn’t stable enough for her. I told her that cuz I’m a night person and I don’t have a bigger sex drive and I’m not calm 24/7 I felt I wasn’t good enough. Tammy says every relationship I get into I run scared when a person gets too close. She also says my past has affected me badly and that I’m too negative. I told her I didn’t feel I was pushing Brenda away and that I felt I was doing her a favor. I also told her that I felt I was being practical, not negative. After being alone for 25 years it’s too hard to jump into a relationship and I no longer care to put the effort into a relationship and have to deal with trying to communicate and compromise with the person. Also, I never was overwhelmed in a good way by Brenda and I’ll never have anyone I am overwhelmed by. What good would it do me anyway, to have a person I’m overwhelmed by? All they’d do is dump me. Either that or I’ll get someone I’ll end up dumping.

Andy will be moving in within the next two weeks so we can save money and move to Phoenix.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 4, 1990 Do I get snow for my b-day? No, of course not. Instead, it’s raining cats and dogs out there.

About half an hour ago Tammy called. At 7:30 Brenda called. Oh, by the way, Brenda and I are just friends now. At 5:30, Andy called as he couldn’t sleep either. I’ve been awake now for 16 hours. I need to go to Food Fart desperately, but can’t till noon, and I don’t think I can hold out till then. I just don’t feel like going to bed, though. Oh, what the heck? I’ll sleep for a few hours. Not too many cuz I have therapy tomorrow.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 2, 1990 Well, two more days and here comes a b-day I sure as hell thought I’d never see. A quarter of a century. I get smarter and more talented and more experienced with each year, but all in all, I still feel the same as when I was 10 or 15 or 20. Despite my lungs, that is, but today I don’t feel quite so bad. Of course, it was kind of miraculous I even made it to my 18th birthday with all the shit that I went through what with jumping out the window, overdosing, and other people trying to kill me physically or mentally.

Well, although I won’t have my foot in the door with the fame and fortune till 1994, as my vibes tell me, I have a feeling that 1991 is going to be a special year for me in a different, but very good way. I’m 100% sure now about smoking, but there’s other stuff scheduled. I’m not going to be so cursed anymore. The shit that happened to my lungs wasn’t meant to be just cuz of my singing, but it was also maybe a testing period, too. I’ve done my time with survival tests, that’s for sure. No, I do not think 1991 brings a woman I’m overwhelmed by and that’s my ideal type person-wise. That was never meant to be.

[xoxo-teddybear]

Boyfriend’s Best Friend - Bakugou Katsuki

Bakugou x f!reader (ft. Kirishima)

Warnings: CRACK, Fluff, Cursing, Frisky moments

Summary: This was not how Bakugou wanted to spend his weekend. Trapped inside his best friend’s body?! Hell no. What makes it worse is that before he can tell you, you’ve already smothered Kirishima (who is in Katsuki’s body) with more than enough attention. Attention that belongs to the angry Pomeranian. And what does Kirishima think about all of this? Fuck nitroglycerin and boners.

BAKUGOU’S MASTERLIST

A/N: This shit is gonna get real confusing so KEEP UP and STAY FOCUSED

“Shit.”

After fighting off that petty thief on their way back to school, the two best friends took a look at each other after feeling a throb in their heads. But something wasn’t right. Bakugou was looking at..Bakugou and Kirishima was looking at...Kirishima???

“WHAT IS HAPPENING?!!” The red blonde headed boy asked. Kirishima made a face at his now very deep and gruff voice. He looked down and noticed his tan skin was the slightest bit paler and his clothes had changed. He turned his gaze towards the position where is best friend should be but only saw..well, himself.

“Argh, shut the hell up Shitty Hair. My head is pounding.” Bakugou said while holding onto his now red hair. He looked towards his friend to see a frantic look on his face. “Quit making me look like a bitch, Kirishima.”

“I can’t help it!! Not after what just happened!!” Kirishima said. Bakugou rolled his eyes and huffed before walking over to his friend and dragging him to a reflective window.

“We switched bodies you idiot. That damn thief must’ve hit us while we were distracted.” Bakugou took a look at his new body and cringed. Not that he thought Kirishima was ugly or anything, but he wanted to be in his own body. It just felt wrong having someone else’s dick.

“Well then we should get back to the dorms and find Mr. Aizawa. Maybe he can help.” Bakugou agreed and the boys started their journey back to the dormitory. As they walked, they took notice of a few things.

“Ugh. All these damn extras are staring at my hair.”

“My palms feel so sweaty.”

“Fuck! I keep biting my inner cheek. Stupid shark teeth.”

“Why the hell am I getting a random ass print?!”

“Nitroglycerin works like viagra Shitty Hair! Just fucking get used to it and learn how to control it!”

“I have your hair man! Does that mean you have shitty hair?”

“SHUT THE HELL UP!!”

“.....Is that..*sniff sniff*...caramel?”

“I SAID SHUT UP!”

—

“You’ll be back to normal in 2 weeks.” Aizawa bluntly said.

“2 WEEKS?!?” The boys screamed.

“Wha- HOW DO YOU KNOW?!” Bakugou screamed, trying to jump onto Aizawa with Kirishima holding him back. To anyone else, it would look like Bakugou holding Kirishima back. Oh how the tables have kinda turned.

“I know because officers have been trying to catch this thief for some time now. Even I’ve run into him on some occasions. His quirk is is called ‘Swapped.’ He takes your soul and spirit and places it in a different form...obviously. It doesn’t do much harm but it lasts for some time. Don’t worry though, you’ll be back to normal eventually.” Their teacher explained. “‘Till then, just tough it out for the next 2 weeks. Dismissed.”

The boys groaned and walked back to the common room floor. They walked in to find a few other classmates who thankfully didn’t seem too suspicious of anything. The boys went their separate ways, going to their own dorms to soothe their still aching heads.

—

Kirishima was the first to come out of his room. After contemplating whether he should take a shower or not, he chose the latter. He could survive the rest of the day without one, he’ll just worry about bathing later. Besides, he doesn’t mind smelling like a sweet treat for the next few hours and you know…not having to see and wash his best friend’s body and dick.

He walked down into the kitchen to find it empty. He was glad he wouldn’t have to explain his situation to anyone. If anyone saw Bakugou acting like the sweet bean that Kirishima is then I’m pretty sure a lot of people would have questions.

Looking around, he saw a batch of brownies left on a tray. He couldn’t help himself and went in to grab one. Unfortunately, he wasn’t aware of how chewy they were and after taking a few chomps, he realized the treat was as tough as glue. He couldn’t even open his mouth! And just to his luck, Bakugou’s girlfriend had walked in, seemingly back from her training session.

“Hi baby.” Y/N said. She went up to who she thought was her boyfriend and gave him a hug along with a peck on his cheek. “How was your day?”

Kirishima grew nervous. He didn’t know how to handle this situation. He would totally tell Y/N that it was actually him in her boyfriend’s body but the brownie sealed his mouth shut! He resorted to going with the flow and just nodding with a nervous smile. A very Bakugou smile.

“Tiring?” Y/N asked. Kirishima nodded his head. “Umm..okay. Well, same for me, but I still have enough energy for movie night, so I’ll see you in the common room. ‘Kay?”

Again, the now blonde nodded his head again. You smiled at him and went in to give him another hug. To your shock, you felt something poking you when you gave your boyfriend a hug. You looked down and noticed a pretty impressive print through his sweats and smirked. You looked up to your “boyfriend” and gave him a sly look. “You sure you’re tired Suki? Cuz your friend down here says you’re down for something else.”

Kirishima began to shake due to his nervousness now. He couldn’t help the damn boner! One, nitroglycerin is apparently 12x stronger than viagra, and two! He can’t relieve himself! Looking at and touching his best friend’s dick was wrong! And weird! Even if it was attached to him now!

What Kirishima wasn’t prepared for was you being so willing to help relieve his stiffy. On the bright side, he’d relive his hard on. On the not so bright side, he’d be fucking his best bro’s girl. Big no no. He definitely wasn’t prepared for your hand to travel down his torso and grab onto his Bakugou’s dick. “You still tired Suki?”

Kirishima couldn’t help himself. It felt too good to stop. He threw his head back and enjoyed the stimulation, even though he knew it was wrong. All he knew was that if he let this whole thing play through, he wouldn’t have to worry about walking around with a huge ass boner. A blush grew on his face as he moaned. He felt you peck at his neck a bit before stopping all your motions. The now blonde looked towards you in confusion and saw your laughter.

“Hehe, sorry Suki. Save it for later tonight, okay? I’ve gotta freshen up but I’ll see you later, Love.” You said before giving him a sweet peck and walking away. Once you were out of sight, Kirishima fanned his face to try and get rid of his blush. He then quickly ran to the fridge and chugged a few gulps of milk down to wash away the brownie.

“Fuck.” Was all that he said. Did that really just happen? Shit. Should he have let that happen? At this point he didn’t know. The man in him said HELL NO, but the nitroglycerin said otherwise. All Kirishima knew was that apparently he had a movie date to get to.

—

So now here we are, Y/N and Kirishima (in Bakugou’s body) all cuddled up on one of the common room couches during the late hours of the night, watching a movie. Kirishima thought Y/N looked really tempting in her booty shorts and tube top. The way her plush chest pressed up against his own as she watched the screen with a smile wasn’t aiding Kirishima’s mission to relieve his hard on.

Throughout the whole movie, Kirishima watched from time to time how Y/N would rub her legs together. It seemed she was growing some urges as well. Kirishima couldn’t shake his nerves..like...AT ALL.

Finally. It was almost the end of the movie. Kirishima had almost made it. All he had to do was finish the last 10 minutes and he could go..well honestly he didn’t know yet but he’ll figure it out later! Unfortunately, the universe had different plans. Kirishima watched as Y/N sat up to grab the remote and turn off the T.V. She placed the object down on the table and faced who she assumed to be her boyfriend. She wrapped her arms around his neck and went to straddle his groin.

“Uh-..Y/N?” Kirishima asked with a shaky voice as he gulped down a nerve. You smirked at him and leaned down to leave kisses all over his neck. Kirishima shook a bit and let out a shudder at your soft lips.

“Relax Suki. We won’t get caught. ‘Sides, when have you ever been afraid to fuck in public?” You said. You then went up to start off your session with a hot kiss to “Katsuki’s” lips. Kirishima had wide eyes as you took in his lips, but eventually, your sweet taste and bouncy lips made him succumb to your wishes.

He placed his hands on your waist as he kissed you back. When he opened his mouth you slid your tongue in as your hands entangled themselves in his hair. The kiss was fiery and passionate and eventually you and “Katsuki” both began to moan into the kiss. His hands traveled to your ass and gave in a firm grip which made you release a loud moan. Things were definitely heating up now.

—

When Katsuki came back to the dorms, he had already been exhausted by the entire situation. The only thing on his mind was getting some rest to ware off the headache, hours had passed and he eventually woke up in the middle of the night.

“Shit, how long have I been out?” He stretched and yawned a bit before he got up. The mirror hanging on his wall reminded him of his new body. “Oh, right. I’m in Shitty Hair’s body......gross.”

Bakugou felt his mouth become dry and so he planned to get a glass of water from the kitchen. As he walked down the halls, he couldn’t help but think about you. His precious girl. The love of his life who’s been with him since childhood and who he’s been dating since their second year in junior high. You were with him through it all and he couldn’t help but feel a little bad that he had to miss movie night.

‘Fuck, did I even tell Y/N I wouldn’t make it to movie night? Crap,’ he thought. Oh well, he’d just have to make up for it later. As he walked near the common rooms, his ears picked up a sound. And not just any sound, it was a moan. And he knew exactly who’s moan it was, for he had been the cause of those exact sounds and he’s heard them time and time again.

Bakugou ran to the common rooms to find his girlfriend and his body making out and slowly grinding on each other on the couch. He watched “his” hands travel to grope Y/N’s ass and bit his lip when he heard his girlfriend’s pleasured moans. He wasn’t gonna lie, the scene before him had turned him on, but what became a huge turnoff was the fact that Bakugou knew it wasn’t him in there and he knew exactly who was in his damn body!

“THE HELL?!” Bakugou screamed in Kirishima’s voice. He watched the two of you jump away from each other in shock and saw a look of fear flow through Kirishima’s his own eyes.

“Jeez, Kirishima. You scared us.” You said to your actual boyfriend without knowing it. Bakugou fumed at the fact that you were just making out and were probably about to fuck his best friend but he couldn’t blame you. You called him Kirishima so you must’ve not known about the switch.

“Can I talk to Bakugou real quick, L/N?” Bleh. Calling someone else by his name was weird and calling you by your family name was very uncomfortable.

“Umm..we’re kinda in the middle of something so maybe if you could jus-“

“Thanks.” He said and dragged “Bakugou” away behind a hallway corner. He pinned his body up against the wall and got in Kirishima’s face as he held the man by his collar. “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING KISSING MY GIRLFRIEND?!”

“IM SORRY! I DIDN’T MEAN TO! SHE CAME ONTO ME!” Kirishima explained while being held against the wall.

“NO SHIT SHE CAME ONTO YOU! YOU’RE IN MY BODY! YOU’RE ME! I’M HER BOYFRIEND! SHE THOUGHT YOU WERE ME SHITTY HAIR!” Bakugou screamed. Kirishima just laughed nervously as Bakugou continued to fume. After venting, Bakugou finally dropped Kirishima back on his feet and pressed the bridge of his nose with 2 fingers. “Okay. Why THE FUCK did you not tell her about the quirk?”

“Because man! .....Your quirk has built in viagra!” Kirishima said in defeat as he threw his hands in the air due to the pent up frustration. “I’ve had a fucking stiffy ever since I got put in your body! So I thought-“

“You thought you could relieve yourself with my girl?!” Bakugou asked with big, angry eyes.

“.....Yes?”

“KIRISHIMA!”

“ALRIGHT!” Kirishima sighed. “Well what now?”

“We go out there and explain to her what happened so you don’t end up fucking her!” Bakugou explained as he tried to walk back to you but Kirishima pulled him back.

“Okay but what about my fucking boner?” The pent up boy asked.

“Just rub it out!” Bakugou exclaimed.

“No way! I’m not touching your dick!” Kirishima rebelled.

“Why not? I’m clean. And big! Just saying, I got a pretty dick dude.” Bakugou said with both hands up in defense.

“BAKUGOU!”

“Yeah, fair.” The ex blonde said. The boys thought about it for a bit before something hit Kirishima like a train.

“Wait..if you’re so okay with me seeing your dick..does that mean..you took a look at mine?!” He asked while shaking Bakugou’s his shoulders.

“What?! Gross! No! I was napping all day Shitty Hair so relax! And get your damn hands offa’ me!” Bakugou said while squirming out of Kirishima’s hold.

“Alright, fine whatever! Let’s just go out and explain to L/N.” Kirishima said.

“Good!”

“Good!”

“Goooooodd!” Bakugou said more dramatically. The two boys finally made it back to you and instead of your boyfriend’s body taking a seat next to you, it remained standing. Meanwhile, “Kirishima” took the seat “Katsuki” previously had. You looked towards the red head and then to your boyfriend in a confused tilt.

“Suki? Are you gonna sit?” You asked to “Bakugou.”

“I am.” “Kirishima” replied. You looked towards the muscular boy sitting next to you with a raised brow.

“What?” You questioned.

“Listen, L/N, we got something to tell you.” The actual Kirishima said. You looked to your “boyfriend” with almost a hurt look on your face as to why he was calling you by your family name. The real Bakugou took notice of your sad voice and softened his eyes at your now upset demeanor. “I’m actually Kirishima...”

Your face grew in surprise and then silence hit the room. The boys gazed your looks for a reaction but got nothing other than pure shock. You couldn’t even say anything other than “Eh?!”

“Yeaahhhh..I’m your actual boyfriend.” The red head said. You looked to Kirishima and inspected him closer.

“Uh..Suki?” You said while zooming in of his face.

“Tch. It’s me Teddy Bear, relax,” Bakugou said while looked away with a blushed face as he pushed your face away. You grumbled at his push and took his hand off.

“Yup. That’s you.” You said, relaxing. “So...you’re Katsuki..and you’re Kirishima?”

You watched the boys nod their heads and you were settling down until another thought came to mind. “Wait..so I was-..on the couch-...I thought-...”

“Yeah, you were making out with Shitty Hair but in my body..” Bakugou said with a hand behind his neck. Your face jumped in shock once more until it was replaced with anger. You watched as Kirishima’s new face became nervous and gave a shaky chuckle.

“Kirishima...” you seethed with slanted eyes before you attempted to jump onto the new blonde. Mid-jump, Bakugou grabbed onto your waist and pulled you back onto his lap. You fought against Katsuki’s hold on you but alas he was too strong.

“Nope! No, settle, settle.” Bakugou said with an iron grip on your waist. You finally calmed down until you took notice you were sitting in BASICALLY Kirishima’s lap. Feeling uncomfortable you scooted off your boyfriend and sat next to him. Bakugou looked at you with a confused expression that demanded an explanation.

“Heh..sorry um, Suki. But I’m not sitting on you or doing...anything else that’s lovey dovey until you’re back to your own body.” You explained.

“Wha- that’s not fair! You were all over here grinding on him just a few minutes ago!” Bakugou whined and pointed at his body.

“Because I didn’t know it wasn’t you!” Bakugou just grumbled and groaned at you. Your reasoning was fair but he just wanted his girlfriend.

“Okay, whatever. Be pouty. Just- When is this quirk gonna wear off?” You asked. Bakugou continued to pout with crossed arms but luckily Kirishima answered.

“2 weeks.” He said.

“Alright then!” You said while clapping your hands and standing up, gathering Katsuki’s attention. “For the next 2 weeks or until you go back to normal, Suki, no touching, no kisses, no overly-friendly hugs, no cuddles, no lap-sitting....”

Bakugou listened to you list all the things he couldn’t do. As you went on, his jaw dropped as he realized he wouldn’t be able to do all the things he usually does to you for the next 2 weeks. The list went on and on until you finished it with one final detail. “...and finally. No sex.”

“WHAT?!” Bakugou said while standing up now. “WHY?!”

“Katsuki. I’m not fucking my boyfriend’s best friend’s body. No offense Kiri,” you said to the other boy.

“None taken!” He said with his winning smile. Just less shark-toothy. Bakugou just mumbled about until you cut him off.

“Anyways! I’m going to bed. After this long and frankly awkward day, I think we all should.” You said and the boys agreed. You all walked to your respected dorms but when Bakugou tried following you into your dorm while he was still in Kirishima’s body, you stopped him with a hand on his chest.

“Uh, sorry Suki. You’ll be sleeping in your own dorm for the next 2 weeks. No sleeping together either.” You watched as Bakugou became much more agitated as he huffed. He grumbled as he reluctantly walked all the way to his own dorm room. You giggled as you watched the now red head walk away and shut your door. You couldn’t help but laugh as you laid down on your bed but 10 minutes passed and before you could fall asleep, a knock was at your door.

“Suki, I said we can’t sleep on my bed together.” You said once you opened the door, finding Kirishima’s body holding a pillow and blanket.

“I know it’s just- *sigh* look, if I can’t cuddle with you can I at least sleep on the ground and hold your hand?” He said, looking away with an embarrassed blush. “I know you said hand-holding isn’t allowed but you won’t be seeing me since I’ll be out of your sight and on the ground.”

You smiled at how clingy he was being. It was adorable and you just had to give in. “Fine, come in.”

Katsuki perked up with a small smile and happily followed you into the room. You got comfy on the bed while he set up his little pillow and blanket. You finally dropped your hand down so he could hold onto it and his warm hand held a strong grip on your own.

So now here you were, late at night, “cuddling” with your boyfriend. In a way. You smiled as you held onto his hand and couldn’t help but giggle when you felt his lips place a sweet kiss to your knuckles. Oh well, I guess there was nothing wrong with holding hands with your boyfriend’s best friend. As long as it’s your boyfriend who’s in his best friend’s body.

You couldn’t believe this was gonna be your life for the next 2 weeks.

Tag list: @sxcker4you @aomi04