#I'm just constantly freaking out and all of my symptoms that I was doing so well at coping with are coming back

[tittyinfinity]

My neurodivergencies and mental illnesses overlap so much that you could diagnose me with about anything at this point

[cosmiicfairy]

🗑

[a-dumb-sarcastic-bisexual]

Nimona headcanons I wrote instead of sleeping

Sometimes the boys forget that Nimona isn’t human 

Like they’re used to the shifting into animals aspect of Nimona because she does it as often as she breathes

But sometimes she’ll do some really creepy shit like make her arms longer to reach something when she’s too lazy to get up

One time they shifted just their neck to be like an owl so they could turn their head 180 degrees instead of just turning around cause that was “too boring” 

Or he’ll mimic people’s voices without realizing it 

Sometimes he’ll tell a story and suddenly he’s using Bal’s voice 

The first time she did this Bal searched the whole house cause he was convinced that Todd has snuck in

Or she’ll grow an extra arm to hold more shit and they take a moment to realize “oh yeah we adopted a little weirdo” 

They get used to it after a while and the arguments surrounding it are always funny because both the boys will complain and say “I don’t sound like that” and they have to be told “No love you do you really do” 

You know those videos of babies reacting to their parents shaving their facial hair or putting on glasses 

That’s Nimona's reaction every single time the boys change their appearance even the smallest bit they cant shave or wear their reading glasses because if they do he freaks out 

Talking some “help me Nemesis I heard bosses voice but I can’t find him” while Bal was standing right in front of them 

It was the first time he shaved his face in years and he’s never doing it again 

Mostly cause Ambrosius kept telling him he looked like a teenager and it was freaking him out 

I feel like Bal and Ambrosius are those kinds of people who will tell people about the little injuries but neglect the big ones 

Like Bal mentioned that he thinks he sprained his ankle during the fight at the institute but he won’t mention that he’s pretty sure he got a concussion 

(BECAUSE THIS MAN HEAD-BUTTED TWO PEOPLE WHEN HE HAS A METAL ARM) 

(I’m bout to wrap this man in bubble wrap and give him a helmet because wtf) 

Ambrosius will complain the whole day about the fact that he has a paper cut

But will completely neglect to inform his doctors “Oh yeah I can’t move my left arm higher than my waist without pain and I can’t see that well out of my left eye or hear that well out of my left ear do you think that’ll be a problem?” 

It isn’t until Nimona makes an off handed comment about how this super weird that the laser did basically nothing to him that he told both of them

They literally dragged him to the ER because “Who thinks those symptoms are normal Nemesis what is wrong in that pretty little head of yours!!” 

When Bal tells Nimona she’s being a bit of a hypocrite (cause who refers to an arrow as a splinter?) she turns to him and says “I know you’re not saying something Mr. Human battering ram” 

It took literally everything in Ambrosius not to break down laughing

After that she forces them to have frequent checkups with the doctor because these dorks wouldn’t go otherwise

Honestly I'm fully convinced that some people in the kingdom don't know who Nimona is and are constantly confused why they let this little weirdo follow them around 

And finally the curiosity will eat away at them and they’ll finally ask 

Sometimes the boys will give some “normal” answers like “Oh that’s Nimona” and they won’t elaborate at all

Sometimes they’ll give funnier answers like “Oh that’s a raccoon we found in the garage who turned into a person one day” “I don’t know they just showed up in our living room” and their personal best “You see her too?” 

And their favorite that they only started using a couple of years down the line “Oh that’s our kid”

[chicken-fifi]

Stray Kids Reaction | You Have a Heart Condition

Pairing: Stray Kids Members x Reader

Requested by @curiousgworge : hey! uhm, i know this request may sound weird, but i just had a procedure done and found out that i'm gonna need a peacemaker. im kinda freaked out and in a lot of pain right now, so how do you think the stray kids guys would be with a parter that has heart conditions? faints out of nowhere and gets real tired over almost nothing cause their heart just can't keep up. sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, but im kinda nervous and feel like this could calm me down? anyway, thankyou for coming to my TED talk 🤍

Genre: angst (?)/fluff (?)

A/n: i know i said it in my response but i wanted to say it here too, but i wish you the best in your procedure and a very speedy recovery. i genuinely hope that the pacemaker does help you for the better and that your nerves are eased a bit. please take care of yourself and your health. note for readers that this is not going to be medically accurate.

Tunes: You're forced to let go of your comfort character, but you can’t | Playlist | by Martine Malfoy

Bang Chan:

I envision Chris as being very protective of you in general

So if you have a heart condition he does nag a bit when you do things that he knows are going to tire you out or cause problems for you

Yes he’s busy, but ask him to do the hard things to spare you from the trouble and possible complications

He reads up on your condition and asks questions to get as familiar as he can with with it so he’s aware of the symptoms and signs he should be worried about

He also does his best to find activities that you can enjoy that can also help keep your heart healthy without tiring you out and joins you in doing them

“Please ask me to do this next time.”

Lee Know:

Minho gets worried and frets over you constantly

He tries not to let it show, but it does

He goes out of him way to do things for you when he notices that you’re doing something much more taxing than normal and plays it off as he was just just about to do the same thing anyways so why not

He does his best to be a good caretaker but also not cross a line that makes you uncomfortable

“Oh, this? I was going to do the same thing anyways so I’ll just do it.”

Changbin:

Also a bit of a nagger and frets over you

However Changbin does these things in a more silent manner

Like he’ll do them before you even think to avoid even the possibility of you doing something taxing

He also reminds you constantly to call him for anything

No matter how small

“Text me, call me. If you need anything done. Anything. Just call me and I’ll do it.”

Hyunjin:

Hyunjin is in a constant state of worry when he isn’t with you

He knows a fair amount about your condition from what you’ve told him and what he’s read from credible sources on the web

He also knows you can be stubborn and force yourself to do things rather than taking it easy and allowing yourself to be vulnerable

Which he understands, to go from being so independent to not being able to have level of independence is a hard transition

“Just let me help you out okay? I know you can do it, but please let me.”

Han:

Jisung picked up on everything really quickly

From the worrying rate at which you would get tired doing little things to the day you fainted

He’s the first person to call you on everything that you shouldn’t be doing when you’re supposed to be resting

It may be annoying and frustrating, but it comes from a well meaning place

He’s honestly just doesn’t know how to express that because for a hot minute he really thought he was going to lose you

“You’re supposed to be resting right now. It’s not good for your heart so soon after everything.”

Felix:

Another worrywart

Felix tries to read up and understand the condition from what your doctors tell him after your initial hospitalization

And he takes all of their suggestions to heart on what you should and shouldn’t do

He’s constantly on your heels just making sure you’re okay and it can get annoying here too

So he does try to back off but he continues to watch on and intervene when he notices things are going awry

“I’ll help you. You do this and I’ll do that, how does that sound?”

Seungmin:

Seungmin voices everything

Concerns, worries, fears, and questions

And listens to everything you have to say to about your condition

He supports your need and want to be independent

But also steps in when he notices that he needs to or when you not necessarily want to say or admit to needing some help

“I’ve got you. Don’t worry about it.”

I.N:

Jeongin is another who worries and it shows

His worry stems purely from the fact that there’s nothing he can to stop the illness

He can help avoid problems and do things for you that could lead to some serious health issues

But ultimately, there’s not much that he has any control over

And that terrifies him for you

But he does his best to support and be there for you

Taking all of your worries and carrying them with you as best as he can

“You’re not doing this alone. I’ll be here. Every single step of the way. I promise.”

[perfidious-prophet]

The fucking things they dont tell you when you fucking start Testosterone.

Yeah, everybody knows about the deeper voice and the dreaded asshair, but these were my unfunny little surprises after 3 months on T. Reminder that shit will always vary from person to person because we're not all clones of each other, whatever.

1. Bottom growth fucking hurts. Sometimes I don't want to wear pants. I knew it would happen, didn't know it'd be so uncomfortable. And it starts fast. Like first dose fast.

2. The irritability goes fucking CRAZY it's like I'm constantly PMSing. I get why dudes punch walls. Oh my god. I know how to keep my anger wraps, but holy shit.

3. On the topic of PMSing. I had temporary worsening of menstrual cramps. Jesus fuck. I was having pain before menstruation started for days, and sometimes just randomly. I hope it doesn't flare up, but it seems to be calming down now. I think my body is freaking out over weird hormone levels.

4. Vocal fatigue. Talking hurts. I expected voice cracks, obviously, but why the fuck does this shit hurt? I don't even want to talk that much anymore. My voice just gives out. It's still deepening, so a win is a win, I guess.

5. Apathy, emptiness, anhedonia, and numbness. My motivation has tanked. I don't fucking care anymore. I just want people to leave me alone so I can take a nap. I already had mental issues before starting T, and I don't think T gave this to me, but it's definitely changed how I feel my mental illnesses. I have to like relearn how to cope and shit. I don't recommend starting hormones if you're an emotionally unstable dumbass like myself. This is literally second puberty, mood swings and teen angst included. I am a volatile, angry little man.

6. Anxiety. Like I said, teen angst. My panic attacks now include intense nausea, which is New and Uncool. Dunno why that happened. But I'm just nervous. There's nothing to be nervous about. I consistently feel like I've forgotten to do homework. I am not even in school anymore. Rad!

7. Psychosis? I had my first intense psychotic break at 14. It lasted 6 months, give or take. I've had shorter episodes on and off since then. My symptoms are stress based. The emotional strain is, naturally, pushing me towards the edge again. I am sure I will explode brilliantly and violently within the weeks to come.

8. Male loneliness is real dudes. Have friends.

9. It's harder to mask. I've been periodically going mute again. I'd never really stopped, but it's more frequent now.

Anyway that's my rant I think.

I'm not telling you not to do hormones. I'm not your dad. But it's not fucking easy. Anyway I have no intention of stopping. I am thuggin that shit out. I had a really really tough time during first puberty, and I suspect I'm going to have issues the second time around.

I am happy with the changes I am experiencing physically. I still feel confident and sure of my identity as a trans man. I am just not very happy about losing control over my mental state again. We'll see how it goes. If I'm lucky, I'll get medicated. I can't afford a therapist right now.

Good luck out there, whoever you are.

[bugs1nmybrain]

L Lawliet x Bipolar! Reader Headcanons

I know I said Aizawa would get the next fic and he will, I've just been unmotivated lately because of my depressive episode and homework is kicking my ass. That fic is in my drafts right now and will be completed soon. For now, here's this.

I hardly find any content with characters and mentally ill readers, especially with characters who are considered emotionally strong, like L and Aizawa. I needed this and I hope it helps somebody else, too.

Warnings: Sfw, mentally ill reader, bipolar disorder (I'm type 1 so this may relate better to type 1 people, though I hope it can resonate with type 2 people as well), mania, depression, psychotic symptoms (hallucinations and delusions), medication, protective L, L monitors you via cameras and tracking devices, L calls reader "love" (if you couldn't tell I'm a sucker for pet names), I used personal experiences when explaining reader's psychosis; it's interchangeable to whatever your unique delusions/hallucinations are.

Honestly, your diagnosis doesn't intimate L. While he hasn't exactly engrossed himself in mental health research, he's very knowledgeable in psychology

Your symptoms don't surprise him or make him uncomfortable, and he's actually well receptive of them.

Though admittedly he finds himself a little lost when you're in a manic episode. He's not freaked out, but getting a word out of edgewise with you is challenging. He follows along as best as he can.

Insomnia is something he's well acquainted with himself, so if you can't manage to sleep for a few days he'll be at your side. He'll definitely try to encourage you to take a sleep aid, but if you're stubborn he'll concede and just hang around to monitor you.

He's actually protective when you're in a heavy episode. Sure, he trusts that you have autonomy over yourself, but he also needs to make sure you're safe. So he'll track your whereabouts when you're gone and will sneak cameras into your residence so he can check up on you.

Even if you're good about keeping track of your medication, he'll occasionally make sure you have. Simple reminders like, "Have you taken your medication today, love?" If you're not with him in person he'll text you.

Honestly, because he's so analytical, sometimes he can't help but feel intrigued by your episodes. He knows that every person with bipolar disorder is different, and so paying attention to how your condition affects you, in particular, is interesting to him.

Depressive episodes are harder for him than manic ones, surprisingly. He wants to keep you engaged and present, but when you're stubbornly depressed it's hard for him to know what to do. He gets creative, often asking you to join him for sweets or go shopping. Anything to get you moving.

When you lie in bed all day, that arches him the most. As someone whose brain is always on the go, he's sure that you doing absolutely nothing but sulk has to be painful. Sometimes he'll come and lie beside you for a while and try to conversate with you.

As strong and collected as L is, he's no stranger to depression and hyperactivity either. Maybe he's not bipolar, but he can relate to constantly being on the go. His depression only really comes about when he feels hopeless about an investigation. He understands being unmotivated when it seems like nothing is going your way.

Seeing you cry is when he becomes the most complacent. This is tricky for him, he's not used to such a strong emotional response. He doesn't really know what to do or how to make you feel better. He wants to cure it and even just tell you to not cry, but unfortunately, it's not as simple as that. He knows that.

The only thing he can really do is hold you, or just be in your presence if that makes you more comfortable. But admittedly, he is very uncomfortable when the waterworks come out. L isn't inept at reassuring support, but being emotionally intelligent isn't his expertise.

He'll offer you some sweets to make you feel better. He's trying.

L's very in tune with your early warning signs. He's usually the first one to predict if an episode is approaching. He's studied your behavior so well that even the slightest sign of symptoms is apparent to him. He'll conduct some proactive measures to help if he can, though he doesn't want to seem like your psychiatrist or anything. If you use substances, he'll encourage you to go easy with them. He'll also encourage a better sleep routine (funny, coming from him).

One thing about L that makes him an excellent support, is that he's not scared of your symptoms. He realizes that medication is only a management strategy for bipolar disorder, not a cure. He's not going to lecture you on upping your dose or make you ashamed of your symptoms. It doesn't have to be a bad thing if you can manage it. He's a busy guy, so there's only so much he can do, but he'll help.

His main strategy is distraction, and his other is communication. If you need to talk about your symptoms, or even just ramble while you're manic, he'll listen (mostly. Your manic rants can be overwhelming sometimes).

When you're getting especially excitable he'll try to ground you with an activity; chess, maybe. Something that requires your brain to slow down and become more methodical. For your depression, his go-to for you is physical activity, like tennis. The endorphins help cope with depression and can give you some rewarding feelings.

Psychosis is one that he wasn't prepared for. He knew it could be a symptom of bipolar disorder but wasn't aware of the intensity. So when you came to him nervously asking who was watching all the cameras and if he had sent international government organizations to kidnap you, he was confused.

Then you started telling him about how you were the only person who has ever existed and everybody else was an extension of yourself, and he started getting it.

Delusions are tricky for him because ultimately he can't change your mind, but he does want to make sure that he can ground you as much as he can.

The cameras are an issue. He puts them everywhere, but because they are a huge source of anxiety for you when you're in psychosis, he has to figure out a way to monitor you but also not make you feel like you're in danger. He may even lie to you about there being no cameras but has actually put them in places you wouldn't expect them to be in. It's for your safety, he tells himself. If you're insistent that there are cameras everywhere even after his lying, he'll try to at least have you understand that the only one watching them is him and it's because he loves you and wants to make sure you're ok. That's the truth.

Hallucinations, he gets. He's even had them himself when he goes many many days without sleeping (also remember episode 25. And before y'all tell me that he lied about the "bells", I don't care and I could write a post about it but that's not what this post is for). He's quick to notice you turning your head behind you, or when he's talking to you and you'll be looking beside his head. He'll ask questions about it.

His busy schedule can make this hard for him to balance, but trust that you are not a burden. He wouldn't still be here if you were. He loves you and just wants you to be safe.

[another-whump-sideblog]

Jane's Pets Chapter 92: Powerful

TWs in the tags

Previous

Masterlist

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At first, you and Kitty thought Jane was forgetting to drug Kitty, but it quickly became obvious it's very intentional. It's been three days since their last dose and they are definitely feeling the effects.

Jane takes them down into the basement every day. She sees how bad they're doing, she sees the withdrawal. She knows, and she's doing this on purpose. And Kitty is overjoyed.

They tried to hide how happy they were at first, worried that if they showed how much they preferred withdrawal to being drugged Jane would go back to drugging them regularly. But even when they slipped up, she didn't seem to care. Kitty thinks she's waiting for it to get bad enough that they beg for the drug, and that she'll be waiting a long time.

"I mean, withdrawal only gets worse for so long, right? And if this had a risk of killing me, or at least a higher risk than the other stuff Jane does, she wouldn't do it, cause that would be too painless of a way to die. So I have until she realizes that I'm not going to beg for it, which can be quite a while if I play my cards right, maybe exaggerate how bad it is… she probably wouldn't fall for that, especially now that I've said it out loud, but still!"

They're the happiest you've seen them in a long time. Since before you left with Barron, Diya, and Ray, actually…

Unfortunately, that doesn't mean they're doing well. It just shows how absolutely miserable they were while being drugged that this is preferable.

You don't think Kitty has been still once in these past few days, at least ever since the last remnants of the drug left their system. They are constantly shaking, constantly moving, mumbling to themself whenever they're not talking to you. They've been assigned two buckets by you and Puppy, one to carry around for when they throw up and one for when that one is being cleaned. If either of you touches Kitty at all they completely flip out, screaming about how no one respects them, no one cares about what they want and everyone just touches them for their own selfish gratification, caring more about appearing to be comforting than what they actually want-

And despite it all, they insist that this is better than being drugged. That they hope the withdrawal lasts a long time so they get longer to be themself.

You can't help but agree. They have more moments of misery, but more moments of joy too. You would like to help them slowly wean off the drug, to not have to deal with these symptoms while still coming back to themself, but that's not an option. Out of two very shitty options, this one is ever so slightly better.

You try to ignore the obvious: there's no light at the end of this tunnel. When the withdrawal symptoms get better, they'll be put back on the drug and back to freaking out about if they're even a person instead of freaking out over being touched. But that's okay. You'll be taking a sledgehammer to the walls of this metaphorical tunnel soon enough.

You're thinking about it all the time. If you could get some kind of weapon inside of her body, something that could destroy her over and over again so that even with instant healing she can't hurt anybody, and she wouldn't be able to teleport it out…

But you don't have anything like that. And to cast a spell that continues forever would have a high cost, you're sure. You'd be willing to pay almost any price, but you think you should explore your other options first. Preparing a spell like that would take a long time, and you want to get out of here as soon as possible.

You need to know why she's immortal. Maybe you could convince Jane to tell you? She did say that if you think you can figure out a way to kill her that she hasn't already tried, you should tell her…

Jane is powerful, but so are you, and it's only a matter of time before you find a way to get rid of her. Next time she's around, you'll ask her. What's the worse that could happen? 

~~

Puppy is near sick with worry about Kitty. They're only getting worse. Before, she could stomach it, even though it was awful, because Kitty was themself and choosing not to beg for the drug. She thinks she would choose differently, but that's okay. Kitty's allowed to be different, and if this is what they prefer she'll do her best to keep them safe while it's happening.

Except they just had a seizure and that's fucking dangerous and Master might actually kill them this time, what the hell is she thinking??

When the fever first started Puppy was worried, but still willing to respect their wishes. But they just keep getting more and more confused, and then they had a seizure, and that's not okay, she can't let this keep happening!

She briefly considers taking off her muzzle and collar just to tell Ja- Master that this isn't okay, that she can't let Kitty kill themself because they're having this battle of wills, but then she thinks of the last time she spoke without permission to save Kitty's life, of burning hot barbed wire all over her body, and she just… can't. Master said if she spoke without permission again, she would never see Kitty again. And speaking without permission is the whole reason she's muzzled and not even allowed to hum anymore. No, she can't do that. 

So what can she do? Kitty is going to die without this drug. She can't let that happen, even if it would end their suffering, because she's too selfish. She can't let them die.

Bunny is terrified too. They'd agreed to have Puppy watch Kitty tonight since she doesn't have permission to sleep, with Bunny sleeping on the floor by Kitty's bed in case Puppy needed any help. And fuck, if he hadn't been there, if she hadn't been able to shake him awake to see what was happening, no one else would know about the seizure. She wouldn't be able to tell anyone. 

"She's not taking them into the basement today." Bunny says, his eyes dark. As if he has any control over that. He's so angry lately, responding to scary things with threats and promises he has no chance of keeping. It's going to get him in trouble. Anger is only a liability here. But she has bigger things than that to worry about right now.

She needs Kitty to beg for the medicine. That's the only way Master will give it to them, and therefore the only way for them to survive. She grabs their face, forcing them to look at her, and then mimes taking a pill.

They stare at her blankly, rubbing their face where she grabbed them.

"I think Puppy wants you to start taking the pills again." Bunny says softly. Puppy nods in confirmation, pleading with her eyes. Please, I can't watch you die. I can't lose you.

"No!"

Without thinking, Puppy strikes them across the face. Bunny and Kitty stare at her in shocked horror.

It doesn't matter. They can hate her, it doesn't matter, so long as Kitty's alive. She mimes taking a pill again.

"'m sorry." Kitty mumbles. "Didn't know- didn't know she told you to make me. If I'd known I wouldn't have…" I wouldn't have made you have to hit me.

Bunny reaches out and takes her hand. "Right, you wouldn't have done that if you didn't have to. We understand."

Puppy forces down a twinge of guilt. That's useless here. She did the right thing, because now Kitty is going to beg for the pills and survive and that's all that matters. That's all that matters.

She continues to take care of Kitty until sunlight starts to come through the window and Master comes to take them downstairs.

"Please… please give me my medicine."

"Hm?"

Tears run down Kitty's cheeks. "Please, I want the withdrawal to end, I want you to drug me again, please."

Master grins. "Well of course! All you had to do was ask."

She comes to Kitty's side and gives them the pill. Puppy is so relieved she could cry.

"Now, we still have our project to work on-"

"Jane." Oh no. Bunny's going to do something stupid. "Can I talk to you in private for a moment?"

Master raises her eyebrows. "For a moment."

She walks out of the room instead of teleporting, and Bunny follows her.

They walk far enough away that she can't eavesdrop through the door, and she doesn't want to leave Kitty alone, so she doesn't know what Bunny and Master are talking about. Probably Bunny's insistence that Kitty won't go in the basement today.

Kitty has buried their face in their pillow, crying softly as they wait for the drug to kick in. Puppy has more trouble forcing the guilt down, this time.

She did what she had to do. She did…

It felt good. Horrible, but good too. She felt… powerful.

This is a dangerous habit to start. She hates herself so much it threatens to consume her, and she can't push it down no matter how hard she tries. She did what she had to. She didn't do because she thought it would feel good, she did it to keep Kitty alive. She did what she had to.

She grabs a pillow from Kitty's bed and joins them, trying to keep her crying quiet enough that it won't set off the collar.

A/N: Let me know if I should tag anything else, or if you want to be added to or removed from the tag list! Five more chapters before the start of season 4 :)

Tag list: @eatyourdamnpears @whump-in-the-closet @scp-1296 @thecosmicmap @quins-whump-stuff

@fuckcapitalismasshole

[exhausted-walking-disaster]

I am always on the fence on whether or not I actually experience psychosis or not. It's way too easy for me to be like, no I don't because I don't think I do and I'm likely overreacting but all it takes is some visual hallucinations and paranoia for me to question it all again.

I have been formally diagnosed schizoaffective before but I have been through the mental health system at various organizations over the years and in more recent years I try to explain and at the same time deny my symptoms when describing them to providers. Honestly they believe me and I no longer get diagnosed that way but I have no way of knowing if it's because I go to extreme lengths to avoid talking in detail about it or if I actually don't have schizoaffective. I did get an SMI determination in the past specifically because of suicidality and hallucinations I experienced but how do I know that the hallucinations count or are truly psychosis? I blame something neurological or wrong with my eyes when I vehemently deny having experienced hallucinations but it gets harder to believe as I have had them since I was 6 years old. I even went to the hospital for the hallucinations then yet I can't bring myself to admit I experience them at all.

The things I see are relatively tame most of the time yet I feel so much fear at others when I feel like it's too much and a sign of something I wish to pretend doesn't happen to me. It's like I sometimes want to experience them to confirm a schizospec disorder and sometimes I feel like I'm lying to everybody and they know that I am full of shit when I say I have schizoaffective since I feel like I don't actually have visual/auditory hallucinations and it just just be some other thing causing what I'm experiencing since it seems so hard to distinguish most of the time.

IDK, I used to skip sleeping for days to interact with the visual hallucinations instead and have seen things such as burning buildings that freaked me out or convinced myself aliens and ghosts(which I could see) were there to take me back from this world since I died so long ago and am constantly on the run from them to try to keep them from taking me back. This is a recurring theme that I some back to every few months yet I still can't bring myself to feel schizoaffective was a correct diagnosis and I have no way of telling if I actually experienced those symptoms or am faking it all somehow.

I can't look at the blinds in my room without setting off a ton of visual hallucinations so bad I start to not be able to see anything else yet it still feels like what if it's my eyes? What if it's a symptom of some neurological thing? I don't have psychosis and it's wishful thinking to say I do because secretly I'm trying to be special right? Save me from my brain slipping out of my head but that's just a migraine right? Issues with Wi-Fi means the government is trying to send FBI agents to take me away and they are just waiting to come in and arrest me right?I am seeing things that are not there about 75% of the time yet I know they aren't there really so I am faking it all right?

I can't even make sense of my thoughts as I type this but I don't think I have schizoaffective it's all a lie because I don't experience psychosis I only have Depression and ADHD diagnosis because I'm a huge liar and the doctors don't fight me on that because they know it's the truth. G-d it's so confusing and I don't think I'll ever fully understand or come to whatever the true answer is to this problem.

[craycraybluejay]

That last anon was uhhhhh very weird and mean to you. It's kinda funny how they use the word "symptoms"... Ah yes, symptoms. The one thing about illness that is completely under control of the ill. Their arguments were pretty garbage. Like saying that a cancer patient is economically abusive for requiring a lot of money for treatment.

Very weird of them, kinda think they were venting some trauma inappropriately and holding you responsible for some fucking reason.

-🦫

the funny thing is i too have trauma and yet don't attack random internet strangers over it lmao

but yeah it was so fucking out of nowhere. I *think* I can guess which post of mine ticked them off but the post was literally agreeing with them. With the fact that Cluster B Disorders are literally classified and diagnosed by unstable, toxic, and often abusive interpersonal patterns of behaviour. Same way any mental disorder is diagnosed; by a PATTERN OF BEHAVIOUR. And apparently they took that to mean that I think ADHD or something has the same symptoms as for example NPD even though I said literally the opposite. There is a reason we have these classifications and I know ALL TOO WELL what that anon was talking about regarding their trauma. But like. I'm not their therapist yk? It did actually tug at my heartstrings a bit because I do have a soft spot for rage fits out of misplaced Fear and whatnot about people not believing what happened to you and why. But like. Still deeply inappropriate. I'm not even mad at the anon really and I don't want to make fun of them either. I just hope they can get the help and support they need and maybe stay away from triggering themselves online before they're ready to calmly and accurately interpret posts and conversations about trauma-related topics.

In fact I myself stay far the fuck away from certain trauma triggers online even though I know I have a lot of light to shed on how it happens because it just isn't good for me. I will truly and legitimately block someone with even a blog colour theme that brings things back or a post even mentioning something that reminds me of what happened. Anon needs to take steps to heal with a private and stable support network and avoid triggers no matter how tempted they are to seek them out, because I know what that's like and it is actually very common with ptsd and c-ptsd. A lot of times people will consciously or subconsciously seek out triggers trying to find some sort of closure or vent their feelings; but all that giving into that urge does most of the time is make it harder to heal.

Mental illness symptoms being controllable is... a complicated subject. You CAN control them actually, at least some of them. For example I'm on the schizo spectrum. I cannot prevent hallucinations when they happen but I can have a plan of action so I don't freak anyone out or hurt anyone. Someone with NPD may have some kind of Ego Moment where they feel the need to assert that they are superior when they feel inferior but knowing about their disorder can actively decide not to do something potentially hurtful in the heat of the moment. Just like with physical illness, symptoms are manageable. Lots of physical ailments you cannot cure, but you can manage symptoms. Like the flu. You can't just. Unget the flu or "cure" it. Most of the time it passes on its own as long as you stay healthy. But what can you do? Treat and prevent symptoms. You can control symptoms and it is, unfortunately, your responsibility unless you are under someone else's care to control your own symptoms. If you are constantly ill and there is no cure, you must seek medicine if you want to feel better. If you have a mental illness and you find yourself struggling with yourself or others, you must seek support and figure out how to control and minimize the symptoms if you want to feel better. No one is obligated to be healthy but at the same time, you are responsible for your health no matter how unfair it is. Even if someone else injures you, they can pay settlement for hospital bills but YOU have to be the one to take meds and get treated. Same with mental illness. Mental illness literally cannot be your fault; it is usually genetic or from trauma. Guess what? It's still unfortunately your Responsibility to manage. A lot of people get stuck on where to place blame and expect the responsibility to go where they put the blame. But blame can go anywhere or nowhere and you will still be responsible for fixing what is wrong. The fact that I anger easy is not my FAULT. But it IS my responsibility to find safe and healthy ways to deal with that anger. Just because I'm not the one who made me angry does not give me the right to hit someone or start screaming my head off. Anyone who places too much weight on blame and treats symptoms as inevitable and unchangeable is liable to neglecting their responsibility to care for themselves.

[schizosupport]

This feels a little like taking a shot in the dark and I don't feel very coherent as I write this, so I'm very sorry if it's messy

I have just mildly calmed down from what I've regularly called "paranoid episodes", except this one had me full-on hallucinating and it ended with me terrified for my life

I am not diagnosed with any kind of psychotic disorder and I have never truly questioned my paranoid behavior, as I've always behaved like this and thought it was just some random quirk of mine to...

*squints eyes*

Be terrified someone's constantly out to get me; believe there's an intruder in the house often; think that someone's constantly watching me; hear police sirens in the distance and immediately think they're coming for me. Among other things.

This has always disrupted my life mildly (particularly socially, as my friends and coworkers don't appreciate my distinct need of privacy and vigilance. I can't judge them for that) but never has it turned into me hallucinating someone's in bed with me when I'm trying to sleep, waiting for me to move so they can kill me. I don't think I've ever experienced such vivid fear before. I could hear and feel them breathe and holding me. Rationally I knew no one was there, that the pressure I felt was simply the covers, but I could not shake the terror and unshakable belief that I was going to die if I moved.

I am currently in the process of changing therapists and that's going to take ages and unfortunately my friends are...fairly judgemental about my paranoia and often make jokes about it that I've told them before severely freak me out. Interestingly, one of them is a diagnosed schizophrenic. Shame I don't trust him enough to ask for advice of any kind. So I'm here instead, confused, dazed and scared.

Hi there anon,

I'm so sorry to hear about the experience you had the other night, I've had very similar experiences, and it's terrifying.

It sounds like you have a long-lasting pattern of paranoia, but that the level of disconnect from reality that you experienced the other night, was something new and that it's really shaken you up. That's very understandable, it's the type of thing that is scary in and of itself, as well as from a meta perspective, bc it's like.. what does it mean? Will it happen again? Etc. The fear of the fear kicks in as well.

I'm sorry to hear that your friends treat your paranoia as a joke, and haven't been willing to respect your boundaries surrounding it :( You deserve to be taken seriously and accommodated in your difficulties like everyone else - it doesn't matter whether you have a diagnosis or not, paranoia is no laughing matter (unless the person themself is comfortable making jokes about it).

Your schizophrenic friend may or may not have been able to help, considering his attitude to your paranoia it could be that he's not the type to experience constant low-key symptoms but rather to have full-blown episodes interspersed with relative normalcy, and in that case he might not really know how to help someone in your position.

Since you are in the process of changing therapists, do you have any way to influence what kind of therapist you are getting going forward? If yes, it might be nice to look for someone who knows something about paranoid ideation and psychotic-style issues as well. A lot of people with a paranoid disposition (people who diagnostically speaking might fit the bill of paranoid or schizoptypal pd for example) will occasionally have more intense episodes of paranoia like what you described happened the other night. The likelihood is higher when you are stressed or otherwise out of balance. It doesn't have to be an indication that there's an escalation happening in your state, so I would try to quell the fear of the fear the best you can, as it only adds to the overall stress.

In any case I'm sending you all my best!!

[twstfournights]

Good News, At Last

It's been a little while since our last update, and this is one vital towards development and my health rolled into one. As for just game news, due to me being cleared by my doctor to resume daily life (with some additives) I can say that game development is no longer in a choke-hold! I can work as much as I want, provided I still see the sun and walk and drink plenty of water. Before I had to really set it on the back-burner, focusing on my health to ensure I wasn't damaging my heart with constant fainting episodes, but now that we know I'm in no danger, I can faint as much as I like, haha. With that in mind, before this, I've managed to solidify the entire prologue, and had made some drafts of the script, but now I can really flesh out that script. Mayhap dip into that sweet sweet coding, and last of all, get out those two CGs you'll be seeing in the demo. What's that? Just two? Well, it's more like one, and then another that has oh... let's see... almost 20 variations? Yes, I like punishing myself. If you want more details on my health itself, my diagnosis, and what's been going on for the last month and more, it's below the cut! Thanks for following development for the game for all this time.

So. The healths. I'm so good at that. Well after wearing a heart monitor for a while, more visits to the hospital. A very frustrating period where my doctor just kept forgetting to submit referrals, I got recommended to ENT in case it was an inner-ear issue, and the ENT doctor was a godsend, as he finally gave us a diagnosis to chase: POTs. If you don't know, POTs is a semi-rare syndrome that's mostly defined by there not being enough blood returning to the heart after someone stands up.

Now this led us on one helluva goose chase, as I had to wait three months to see a cardiologist. At first it was just two, but on the actual day of my appointment, they called me to cancel, and scheduled me another month out. The entire time my symptoms were getting worse, scarily worse. It was an incredibly stressful time, because if it didn't turn out to be POTs, it looked as if my life was in serious danger. I caused my father a lot of grief during this time, as watching me constantly pass out wasn't very conductive for his heart either.

Now I finally saw the cardiologist yesterday and it turns out it's.... not POTs? But it's something incredibly similar, and has a similar problem of my heart not getting enough blood when I stand. The difference is that I experience much more dizziness/vertigo rather than my heart racing super fast. My heart tends to jump to 100bpm and more when I stand, but for POTs apparently it goes even higher, scary stuff!

So what do I have? It's called Vasovagal Syncope, and its separated from POTs since my reaction is technically my body overreacting, and thus not pumping blood correctly. So.... I'm now a fragile Victorian maiden fainting over the slightest distress and must go to the seaside for six months to recover- Haha sorry, I must crack jokes.

The good news is that my heart is in literally zero danger, it's taken the slightest teeniest damage since it's been so long and I've only gotten worse, and it's taxing to work overtime when my body is freaking out and now pumping blood right. But beyond that, I'm fine! The only danger I have is if I take a nasty fall when I pass out, but I've been managing that as best as I can. Even getting a shower chair, since showers greatly exacerbate my symptoms. My doctor has said I need to basically strengthen my body against it's overreactions, so I've been recommended to do things that would cause me to pass out, but in small doses to re-acclimate myself and all. Which means... I can work on my VN that makes me way too happy and pass out from sheer joy, yippee!! Wahoo!! Wahee!! The only consequences are my head banging on my desk, which, I have gotten a pillow for! Thanks for all of your concern and well wishes, it meant the world to me, and I hope to bring this VN to y'all as soon as I possibly can, along with all the wonderful friends helping me make it! And all the friends I've made who support it! (Blows kisses to Ciel and Aster, mwah mwah~) Let me know if y'all want anything so I can give more updates outside of this blog! I'm open to creating a discord server and the like, as long as reception is big enough, I have lots I want to share about the upcoming demo, but want to pace info released on this blog. Give me your thoughts!! Know I love you all~

[rottika]

"autistic people cant/dont like to form close relationships" is just straight up wrong. we struggle with it due to not understanding social norms and having trouble with empathy, but that doesnt mean its impossible, much less that we dont want to. its not contradictory and claiming it is is a big misunderstanding of autism.

in fact, dare i say autism actually worsens the symptoms of BPD? because, since you dont understand social cues, its even harder to know if youre being abandoned or not, and you grow up learning that everyone else has some sort of psychological understanding that you just dont, so youre just constantly wondering if theyre not telling you something.

not only is imagined abandonment much more of a concern, but real abandonment is, too, given most people are much more likely to be turned off by autistic people, due to either not understanding, or straight up being uncomfortable with the way we interact. of course, this is much less likely when your FP is autistic themself, especially if theyre particularly similar to you.

among other things like rejection sensitive dysphoria combining with fear of imagined abandonment, autism is not only not mutually exclusive with BPD, but can make a whole new level of problems when combined. sincerely, someone diagnosed with autism who is on psychiatric treatment for severely impacting BPD symptoms (but whose psychiatrist doesnt like diagnosing in general so bah)

Thank you for this ask! Strong agree!

I struggle a lot with forming close relationships (mostly because of lack of understanding of social cues and general social anxiety), but that doesn't mean I'm incapable or wholly uninterested in them. I have purposely distanced myself from human connection since COVID happened and it's been simultaneously relieving but also excruciating. I simultaneously desire close connections and intimacy, but I'm bad at forming them and (when I DO have them), I'm constantly worried that people will leave me.

It's hard for me to read facial expressions and body language and I tend to assume everyone secretly hates me and wants to leave me all the damn time. It's part of the reason why I was so fucking bad at taking compliments from people seriously and why being a public figure has been so difficult. I am always paranoid that everyone's just lying when they say nice things.

There's this cold, crippling satisfaction that I currently have about not having any irl connections at all (outside of my family). I don't have to panic about being left behind all the time, don't have to struggle through social interactions blindly while worrying they have something to say that they aren't saying, don't have to people-please, won't accidentally hurt people by being aggressive or impulsive. But it's also just very destitute in a sense, yk?

The combination of simultaneously hating people and being an introverted freak (convinced that everyone's out to get me in some type of way) while also wanting/needing people at the same time is a uniquely shitty experience!

Though I'm alone irl, I've had the same FP for like,,, multiple years now and that's been a relief to have him and also another close friend in my online life. They've made my life overall better. So, shout out to those homies. :]

[mistahjs-jester]

Some of us can't help hyperverbalism, oversharing, emotional dysregulation, rambling, etc... And that's valid. Some of us are neurodivergent and have no one that understands that. Some of us are misdiagnosed or were never diagnosed. Some of us live every day beating ourselves up about it and it sucks. It sucks so much to feel we can't communicate "normally" as a neurotypical does... It really does. And we keep apologize for being ourselves and it hurts so much. I can't even begin to describe how much self hatred I have for my symptoms. I can't... It makes me sad and it makes me overestimulated so badly that I want to hold my ears, close my eyes, rock and hear no noise, not have the lights on me (because that's too much sometimes) and I've been so overwhelmed today by having to do loads of communication with so many people at once that my mistakes are haunting me- aka social cues i may have missed, expressing "too much emotion" at once, not enough eye contact.... Asking questions about things that were probably already answered because "overstimulated", having a panic attack because social situations can be "too much" .... I'm honestly tired of my own brain right now and am constantly trying to "improve myself" to fit "normal" but I'm NOT "NORMAL"... I'm neurodivergent.... My brain processes things a certain way. Still, I feel the guilt. I feel the pain. I experience the shame. It's depressing and I'm trying to incorporate self love more into my daily agenda. I want structure and long for things to be told to me about what will happen so I don't freak out but I can't make myself have a structured environment because it's too much. It's tiring. I'm tired. I'm so freaking tired... I'm trying... Why isn't that enough? When every day I'm trying to be what others say I'm "supposed" to be.... I either shut down or have moments where it all screams at me inside and sometimes I can't even verbalize when it happens. Sometimes it's too much to process just like my racing thoughts... and that's hard. I don't talk about it all the time. I actually keep a lot to myself but this is... A lot and I just want to be able to know I'm not alone. I want someone to understand that I'm not trying to make them uncomfortable, annoyed or otherwise to make them "feel sorry for me" because I'm allowed to not be okay with the symptoms of what I'm going through... Sorry not sorry

[icarus-suraki]

@bending-sickle no, we are not. (re: this post)

A huge part of my therapy over the years has been religious anxiety and religious trauma caused by not being part of an extreme or fundamentalist church or anything but just by existing in this culture infused with extreme eschatological beliefs.

I've had people come up to me at the reference desk and spontaneously explain that the discovery of exoplanets is a sign of the apocalypse.

I've had classmates say that they can't wait to die so they can be with Jesus, or that they're envious of someone who died because that person is with Jesus now, or that they're excited about the Rapture and the Apocalypse, or that 9/11 was clearly a sign that the Rapture was coming. Another popular one was "Are you Rapture Ready?"

I got woken up at something like 2am by my college roommate who burst in to collect her Bible and her concordance so she could prove to someone that the Fundamentalist eschatology was undeniably true and here was where it said so in the Bible.

News articles about the second Iraq war would send me into a spiral of anxiety because someone said it was a sign of the End times, streetcorner preachers would freak me out, overhearing people would freak me out, even going to my family's progressive and left-leaning Episcopalian church (just miles removed from the Left Behind crowd) was hard.

I literally went to my family's priest to ask for a "professional" opinion. I had a panic attack in her office because I was so afraid of all of this stuff and whether I was going to be suffering horrors or if I was going to hell. Politicians were saying things. My friends were saying things. My classmates were saying things. I was surrounded by these images of horror and war and being told to get saved get saved GET SAVED, HURRY UP AND GET SAVED, but someone you (I, anyone) was never good enough somehow? Unless you were? I have no idea. It made no sense and yet I was fixated on it.

I first heard about "the world will end in the year 2000" when I was something like 8 or 9 years old and I would literally pray every night that that wouldn't happen. I prayed constantly, which was really more of an OCD symptom than anything.

Every so often, some whackadoo would declare that the world would end on XYZ date and I would panic (and try to keep it a secret as much as I could, not that I was all that skilled at that yet) until that day came and went. Or I'd have a breakdown and cry about it to my mom. I had no idea how she could just brush these things off.

And, yes, I unintentionally believed every ostensible "prophecy" about the end of the world. There's some Catholic "prophecy" about how many popes there will be before the Apocalypse and I'm still hung up on that. The phrase "end of the world" was an OCD no-go. The word "revelation" would set me off. I had to take religion classes in college and that was agony. Some of my OCD therapy was related to religious anxiety. I'm not completely over it either. It's still in me. I still feel this weird spike of panic when I hear from someone who says they're no longer a Christian--it's a purely obsessive thought or an intrusive thought. I'm still hung up on all of this.

There have been so many times that I've wondered if it's worth trying to do anything since the world is going to end soon. Why bother? Why go to school? But ending your own life means you'll go to hell, so don't do that. Just keep suffering. Keep suffering. And maybe, if you're good enough and have Gotten Saved the right way, you'll go to Heaven and be happy someday.

At my absolute worst, I was working in a bookstore and I was afraid of having to walk through the Christianity/religion section because I might see the title of a book that would trigger a full-on panic attack and multi-day anxiety attack while I had to keep working in this shitty retail job.

And this shit is still inside me. I can't seem to purge it out of me.

No. We are Not Okay.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi, looking for advice, reassurance, and positive words. TW for vague mentions of medical stuff, symptoms, and meds (nothing specific).

I have very bad health anxiety. The symptom or illness I obsess over changes, I'll go through phases where I think I have one thing, then another. Lately a huge trigger for me has been seeing people talk about how certain medications I take for physical and mental health are "bad" and I start freaking out even though they're either prescribed to me or they are over the counter meds my doctor approved of, and I don't abuse anything I take.

I went for a while without having a doctor because of an insurance issue I was having, and now that I do have a doctor, it's possible that I can talk about different treatment options or see if I can get referred to a therapist again since a lot of my conditions are triggered or worsened by stress. But I'm not scheduled to see him again for a long time and in the meantime, I constantly get stuck in "catastrophe loops" where I'm thinking things like, "I ruined my life by accepting these meds, I should've never taken them, I've made my life worse" even though that's a huge exaggeration.

I would also like to add that it's been hard for me to integrate lifestyle changes that would potentially help with my health conditions. For example, I know exercise helps, everyone says that, and it gives me a sense of accomplishment when I complete exercise goals, but because of my mental health I will struggle to go on walks, and then sitting indoors all day makes me overly vigilant of physical symptoms, and it's just this annoying cycle where mental and physical health symptoms feed off each other. I also have a very hard time sticking to habits like meditation even though meditation benefits me a lot too and also makes me feel accomplished when I'm able to stick to it. Also, I have gone through times when self-care has been really hard for me thanks to factors like university, work, family issues, and other things making my life unstable.

Lately, I am going through an unstable past few days full of high stress because of family stuff, even though I felt like I was doing better this month, and not having as many physical symptoms until recently. So now that I've been getting physical symptoms again and taking the meds that address the symptoms, I sort of view it as a setback (even after going for the beginning of the month without experiencing the symptoms or taking meds, and felt like I'd been making some progress in regards to coping).

Like I said before, I can't stop thinking that I've ruined everything or that I'm wrecking my health and other extremely catastrophic thoughts. It gets so bad to the point where I'll genuinely spend all day fixated on these thoughts, I give myself anxiety attacks that last for hours, I struggle with sleeping at night every night, I panic that people around me will shame me for taking meds, and I feel kind of sad that I can't be someone "normal" without these health conditions. Plus, I put a lot of blame on myself due to what I said before about mental health making physical health worse, and vice versa. It's a nightmare, it feels like hell, it's just horrible and I feel hopeless. No one around me understands what I'm going through and I just really need some help with breaking out of this loop. Like I said, I am planning on maybe working on this with a doctor but it will be a while until I can see him again, plus I want some suggestions for stuff I can do on my own too. Can you give me some coping advice and reassurance? Thank you.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been dealing with. It sounds incredibly exhausting to constantly worry about your health, and feel like no one takes your concerns nearly as seriously as you feel they should. It sounds like there are multiple facets that contribute to your distressing thoughts.

Some people who experience health anxiety to this degree may be dealing with Health OCD, which can look like a vicious cycle of thoughts concerning your health, seeking medical treatment, and leaving unsatisfied. People who experience this may ask themselves questions like, "What if I am ill but no one can figure it out because there isn’t a name for it?" or "How do I know that I am not developing an illness that has not been detected?" Compulsions can look like getting multiple opinions both professional and not, excessively checking your body, or catastrophizing google results. While this is not a diagnosis of any kind, if this is something that resonates with you, it might be worth discussing with a professional who can accurately assess whether or not this applies to you.

As someone with OCD and intrusive thoughts, something that helps me is to try and reframe my thoughts. So if I get a thought that worries about my health or safety in some way, I remind myself that, while dysfunctional, this is a way that my brain is looking out for me and wants to make sure I am healthy and/or safe, and then I continue with whatever I was doing. This can be easier said than done and takes practice. Self care can also be incredibly useful, whether that's treating yourself or doing something you enjoy.

Ultimately, if you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can work with you to explore these concerns and come up with some healthy coping strategies tailored to your needs and experiences.

Life itself is a risk and to ruminate about risks is to miss life. If anyone has any additional comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun