#I'm trying not to overwhelm myself by making TOO many life changes at once but my executives are really functioning for some reason

[malhare-archive]

I've avoided driving as much as possible the past four years because I'm like "no I can't I'm afraid of driving" but I've driven myself to and from work the last few days with literally zero anxiety ???¿¿¿

[vpgoldenrod]

Aziraphale's Haunted Look: On Being Forcibly Outed and Exiled From The Garden

While we're all talking about Aziraphale's reaction to the kiss, I'm surprised by those who thought Aziraphale looked disgusted because that's not an emotion I'd seen in him at all. There's sadness, and confusion, and anger, but I couldn't remember seeing disgust. When I watched the scene again I realized there's something else going on that really struck a chord with me. It's an uncomfortably familiar look.

He feels exposed. And I know what it feels like to be exposed in such a violent and intimate way.

Stay with me, I promise this is relevant to my analysis.

I didn't know what being transgender meant when I was a kid. Being raised in a fundamentalist Christian house meant that I wasn't exposed to those ideas, so I lived my life feeling like something was always just kind of broken. It was like I was looking right through the problem at other things, trying to alleviate symptoms without understanding why they existed in the first place. I eventually met other trans people, who gently nudged me in the direction of my truth. I even became aware that I had experienced some minor dysphoria. Every time I came close to acknowledging the truth however, my eyes would once again begin to glaze over the problem. I always managed to subconsciously shove it back into a little box and move on with my life. It was like I accidentally “did a big miracle” and hid this truth from myself so well that I continually forgot it was there.

Til one day I had an encounter that changed everything.

We're friends now but oddly enough, it was only meant to be a fling. I won't go into too many details because it's not just my story, but it was a lovely time that culminated with us meeting and doing what adults do. The person I was with, a cis man, silently clocked me the minute we were face to face. For reasons I now understand, without warning and in the middle of our shared intimate experience, he decided to talk dirty to me as if I were a gay man.

No one had ever spoken to me like that before. It had never occurred to me to ask anyone to do that, or that anyone would want to. I was in an intimate space and filled with the typical emotions and endorphins one has during sex, but it was a fling. I had walls up. So for the first time in my life, in this incredibly vulnerable position, someone grabbed me by my lapels and forced me to face a deep truth about myself that I'd spent decades silently dancing around. It was a blunt, irrefutable truth and it hit like a sucker punch to the solar plexus. He saw me when I was very much not trying to be seen, and there's few things more terrifying than that.

Even now, years later, I have such a hard time putting into words the overwhelming emotions I felt that night. There were so many, and yet somehow I can see every single one of the emotions I felt in Aziraphale's face when Crowley lets him go. My heart breaks all over again seeing how exposed he felt. He can barely make eye contact until he stumbles onto the one emotion that gives him his agency back: anger.

Gabriel shows up to the bookshop completely naked. When a bewildered Aziraphale points it out Gabriel says, “Who told you I was naked?”

But that's not how the story goes.

God looks for Adam in the garden, but he hides from her. He eventually tells God, “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid myself.”

Then God asks Adam, “Who told you you were naked?” And of course Adam knows he is naked because he ate the apple.

I've made jokes about Crowley being the apple that bit Aziraphale, but I forgot the bit that happens afterwards. He is aware of his own nakedness. He is exposed. To God, to Crowley, and to himself. As a result he is exiled from the safety of his Eden. Man, if this isn't the perfect analogy for being forcibly outed I don't know what is.

This show is so gay you guys.

[mostly-tame]

A year ago I flew into Michigan to get *my* dog. As soon as I got in the car we clicked. I was prepared to earn his love and trust, but right away we loved each other. Since then our bond has only deepened and strengthened. My love and adoration and admiration for him has only grown.

We've both come a long ways since we met; and I'm incredibly proud of both of us for what we've accomplished. He's my first dog of my own and I couldn't have picked a better first dog for me. He's precisely who and what I needed, and I honestly find him to be a rather easy dog. I greatly enjoy working with him, he's incredibly smart and eager, and once he knows what I want from him he takes only a few repetitions to get it down. I want to try Rally and Agility with him, and we've already begun some parkour type training. We of course hike and walk often, and have done a bit of canicross, and I want to do so much more of that, as well as weight pull, bikejor, and some more packing (I still have his pack, just haven't used it much lately).

Of course I also still greatly want to hunt with him. He's shown great interest in squirrel, raccoon, and rabbit, as well as skunk and opossums lmao, and I greatly regret that the last hunting season was spent slowly escaping a toxic relationship and not hunting with him. I'd like to try him on bear as well, he certainly finds larger game incredibly enticing, but that probably won't happen this season.

It's somewhat strange now, all of my coworkers and friends know me for constantly talking about and showing them photos of Torch, and not Kit. I never really expected to out live her by long, and I wouldn't have if I hadn't gotten Torch when I did. Any other dog, from any other litter, pairing, breeder, I would have backed out of before I got them when I lost Kit. But I love his parents dearly, and his breeder is truly one of my best friends, and i could already feel that he was right for me; so the photos I'd seen of him and videos and photos I got of him before I flew to him kept me afloat while I got through the most lonely few months of my life.

Every day I'm grateful to call him mine, to curl up with him at the end of the day, to walk him, to train with him, to hike with him, to play with him, to bury my face in his thick ruff. He's my sunshine dog, through and through. He makes me smile even when I'm the saddest and relax even when I'm the most stressed. There's no better way to soften my sadness than to curl up with him, softly wagging his tail at first as I pet him, until he tries to entice me into play. There's no better way to work through the things that stress and overwhelm me than to walk, run, or hike with him, working out the excess energy, grounding myself in the world and my being, and thinking things through. I am the happiest when I'm doing things with him.

I was prepared for a dog who would make me earn his love, trust, and respect, a dog who would be a bit of a challenge to train, a dog who wouldn't be very cuddly or affectionate, a dog who would push me more. Overall a dog who would make me work for and earn things more. Getting a teenage laika didn't sound like my brightest idea on paper. But I was ready and eager for the experience and work. But honestly? We fell into place incredibly easily and work amazingly together. He's bizarrely cuddly and clingy and while I don't need my future laiki to be as sticky as him, I love him dearly for it. He's precisely what I needed.

While I'm not generally spiritual nor do I generally put much stock in the idea of fate and destiny; I have no other way to describe how it feels to have him. Who he is and his timing are too perfect. He came to me precisely when I needed him the most. He keeps the shadows at bay. He's the light at the end of a long tunnel for me.

He's been mine for a whole year, and I wouldn't change him or trade him for the world. He's my pride and joy, and I look forward to many more years spent with him. @losech I know you know how much I love him, how much I needed him. I still have to say it again and again and again. I can never thank you enough for trusting me with him.

This art was done by one of my friends several months ago and still makes me tear up to even think about. You can find my friend at fairywren.art on insta!

[psychoticallytrans]

I am an angry person. It's not in a reasonable, rational, or understandable way. Regardless of the presence or absence of cause, I have been angry for as long as I can remember. Sometimes it's seething, like boiling water. Sometimes it's a quiet, burning glow, like embers. But my anger is always there, and it serves as the beating heart of who I am.

This frightens a lot of people, particularly those who have been hurt by angry people. Hearing that someone has anger as an integral part of them is, to some people, tantamount to hearing that this person is going to hurt you. It also confuses people who have met me. I'm consistently considered to be one of the gentlest, most caring people in a group. Children and small animals consider me a safe person.

Anger and gentleness are seen as opposites, traits that are incompatible with each other. Anger is seen as something that makes you hard and sharp, loud and fierce. But most of the time, my anger is what makes me gentle.

Anger, for me, isn't an aimless, formless force most of the time. When my anger is at a healthy level, it is a source that I draw on to have the strength and fuel to be kind. It's a deep well, and I tap it frequently. There's a comic I've seen around, more than once, that your anger is the part of you that loves you. For me, my anger is also the part of me that loves others.

My anger hasn't always been this way. It used to be harder to control, because I was a child with an unusual, overflowing amount of anger, and no idea what to do with it. The way I was told to deal with it was always to make it less, to put it away, to extinguish it.

I tried so, so hard to make this happen. Trying to extinguish my anger was like trying to fight a wildfire singlehandedly. It left me burnt, tired, and hollow, because a part of me was gone. When I didn't have it, I was cold and empty. Worse, it meant that when it flared back to life, I didn't know how to manage it. I scared a lot of people, including myself.

So, what changed?

I read books about people who used their anger as fuel to do good. People whose anger didn't overwhelm them, who embraced their anger as a part of them and used it to do amazing things. People whose anger didn't make the people they loved fear them. People who were angry, down to the deepest core of their being, and were still as good, important, and helpful as those who weren't.

Many of the people I read my anger into were characters that other people didn't see as angry. They were "passionate" or "cynical" or "protective". Their anger was reframed in a way that made it more acceptable to view positively. Still, I saw how those feelings burned in them. Sometimes low and warm, sometimes hot and fierce. Always within their control.

I found things to be angry about, things I cared about enough to dedicate a part of myself to them, and poured my anger into them. My anger came back to me, and I didn't try to kill it anymore. I made it mine. I made it me.

My anger and I cannot be separated, and still have me be the same person. It would be like trying to separate me from my sorrow, my joy, my love. I would, and have, hurt myself badly trying to do so.

Does this mean that anger should be left unmanaged? No more than grief should be, or joy, or love. Sometimes an emotion is too strong to be healthy, and you need to rein it in. Sometimes, it's not appropriate for the setting, and you need to refrain from expressing it on the spot. Anger is not uniquely evil or less your own than any other emotion. Attempting to eliminate it is damaging.

If you are going to take anything away from this post, I would like you to consider your own anger.

How would you be different without your anger? How would your life be different as a result? How would other people's view of you change?

[thewakingcloak]

The State of Things Present

this post was available for patrons a week early! please consider supporting me over on patreon!

I kept trying to make this post fancier and better and more engaging, and then I realized I was doing that thing where I make myself too overwhelmed to actually finish and post it. The other thing was I kept gunning for a once-a-week posting, and uh… yeah that's not sustainable. So here we go!

The Ghost of Spacefarer Present appears before you He whispers, very quietly, yet in a voice that resonates: "Time to resurrect the Spacefarer"

Ok so the spacefarer (me??) was very tired, but he's awake now and doing things!

Life status

We moved! My wife and kids and I packed up and headed some miles south of our previous house. It was a risk for sure. We didn't know how things would pan out. We really needed to get away from our old environment, our old town, our old house. We loved that house, and we'd said so to each other many times even as we were halfheartedly searching for a new one. But at some point that house had become too burdened with bad memories and traumas, not to mention that after the pandemic, we had no more real roots there. Everyone had moved away, the communities we were involved with had disbanded or changed. And anyway, my wife would be starting a new teaching job down south.

We were fortunate enough to find a new house we loved, and fortunate enough to be in a position where we could actually make the move. I'm aware this is a privilege, given the economy and the market, and so I can only express my thankfulness and consider it a blessing, especially as we healed through our grief.

I have an improved office now! This is where I work on my day job (software/web dev) and my unday job (Studio Spacefarer). With my genetics stacked against me, but also with my desire to be able to keep up with my kids and be there for my family, I collected a standing desk, a walking pad treadmill thing, and an ergonomic keyboard. I'm walking or at least standing most of the day now, which has made a surprising difference already.

I was gonna post a wider view of the office, but my 3yo son ran up while I was taking pictures and started "working" (mashing the keypad), so this is automatically the better pic. Them's the rules.

Anyway, in short, we made it, and it hasn't been a smooth ride the entire time, but it has been well worth it. I've been able to get back into gamedev, which has been a huge boon to my mental health too.

Speaking of… (ghostly drumroll)

Game status!

The good stuff. Here's where I'm at presently with Episode III!

The game is completable from start to end (definitely NOT feature complete)

Jumping, swimming, and dashing all work like a charm and are super fun

Three enemy types have been added, including custom A* pathfinding for the sea monster

Two new collection mechanics (one is heart containers, the other will be a small surprise)

Depth sorting and fake-3D, as mentioned previously, which lets me do lots of fun effects

Day/night are now on a new system, and cave darkness is now a thing (I tried to implement this in PD2 but couldn't figure it out)

Palette swapping for night and lighting effects now uses GameMaker's built in layer effects

Much of the game is now decorated

Updated the game's palette to be more pleasing

Better borderless windowed mode, frame toggling, etc. (I'd made a post about a third party plugin I used to do this previously, but not long after that, GameMaker added an official setting to be toggleable at runtime, so I switched to that… much easier lol)

New audio library which has been a MASSIVE boon (Juju's Vinyl)

New flexible debug/inspector mode which allows me to change values on the fly more easily

State machine rewrite using structs instead of data structures--extremely flexible and less  error-prone (in fact the data structures here were the #1 cause of crashes in Episodes I and II)

Save system rewrite, also using structs instead of data structures (thus fixing the #2 cause of crashes in the first two episodes)

Adjusted the way walls get displayed in interiors--will make a post on this later

Lots and lots and lots and lots of bug fixes

Post end status!

I'm not exactly sure how to wrap this up lol, but y'all can be encouraging me, if you have the emotional space to do so! There's still a lot left to do on PD3, and it can be very daunting at times.

Next post up will be looking forward to the future of Studio Spacefarer. I'm very excited about this! Keep an eye out!

[grapejuicegay]

Get to know me tag! :)

I was tagged by @telomeke here and @dribs-and-drabbles here.

do you make your bed?

I try to! On days that I'm too busy to make it in the morning I do so about half an hour before I'm getting to bed. I don't like the feeling of getting back into an unmade bed - it feels like a completely unproductive day and that just throws me off

what's your favourite number?

I don't really have a favourite but I love multiples of 7, they make my brain go brrr

what is your job?

Photography! It's something I always wanted to do as a child but gave up on as an unrealistic dream before eventually sort of stumbling into it. Happy accidents and all that.

if you could go back to school, would you?

Hah! No chance. I burnt myself out pretty badly through undergrad by taking on far too much - there were just so many things that I found interesting - and I'd much rather not repeat that experience.

can you parallel park?

I can't drive. I keep meaning to learn but the way people drive freaks me out a little too much. I've also been struggling with a bout of motion sickness recently and that doesn't help my comfort in cars. Someday though! Hopefully!

a job you had that would surprise people?

I worked on editing and post production on a documentary for National Geographic once

do you think aliens are real?

In what form, I'm not sure. But some forms of life that exist outside of our planet? Absolutely. My other answer, channeling the 12 years I've spent on this hellsite: doooweeeewoooooo

can you drive a manual car?

If/when I do finally learn to drive I'm going to make it a point to learn manual too. Idk, feels like an important skill to have

what's your guilty pleasure?

I make it a point not too feel guilty or embarrassed about my interests. If I started doing that far too many things I like would qualify and I just cannot live like that

tattoos?

I wish :( I have a bunch of small tattoos I've always wanted but I have a medical condition because of which I can't get any.

favourite colour?

It changes every so often but I'm particularly biased towards shades of teal right now.

favourite type of music?

I love rock of the general/alt/post/punk variety. Recently I've been listening to a goth-folk band called Charming Disaster and have been a little bit obsessed with their album Our Lady of Radium and especially Radium Girls

do you like puzzles?

Love love love puzzles of any kind. I just like having lil things for my brain to do.

any phobias?

I have a little bit of a phobia of falling off of high places which unfortunately comes from a close call during a hike where I slipped off a steep rock and almost into a sweeping rapids (luckily I ended up slipping sideways into a little pool in a gap between said rock and another big one... took a while to pull my short ass out of there but at least I wasn't being swept away!)

favourite childhood sport?

I was a sporty child, tried my hand at just about most sports. My go to was basketball for a while (though I don't play anymore) but now I'm more inclined to go for a swim or a bout of kickboxing, sometimes badminton. Funny story: over the course of a year I got hit in the nose with 4 different kinds of balls (not that kind!). My nose is fine but I was paranoid around sports grounds for a while after that 😂

do you talk to yourself?

All the time! It honestly helps me keep track of a lot of things, especially when I'm overwhelmed but it's a little funny when my everyday running commentary comes out in front of people. It gets me a lot of strange looks, especially when I ask everyday objects what they think they're doing

what movies do you adore?

Depends on the day you ask. I tried answering this 5 different times but each time I came up with 5 different movies to list out. I really could not pick for this one

coffee or tea?

Coffee! Far, far too much of it!

first thing you wanted to be growing up?

An astronaut. It took me far too long to give up on that pipe dream. But around the time I gave up on that I was getting interested in photography as something to pursue. I was bullied out of it for a few years sadly but hey, I ended up here eventually!

I'm coming to this way too late so I'm not really sure who hasn't done this yet. I'm just going to tag @casualavocados @celestial-sapphicss @jemmo

And like both Tel and Lin mentioned, I've been far too busy to be on tumblr too much recently (most of 2024) and so a lot of stuff I've been tagged in has slipped through the cracks. Most of it is in my drafts somewhere and sometimes it just feels too late to bring it back. I still love all of you though and I'm sorry!

[that-wizard-oki]

How did you start doing jobs for kingsisle?? I'm trying to break into the industry as an artist, and I have no clue how to approach potential employers, even just for commissions 😭😭

Hey! So I actually work full time with KingsIsle as a character animator- my job year round is to make pets, mounts, mobs, npc's move :D

How I got started here is kind of a wild story. I had been wanting to reach out to KI about possibly interning with them post-graduation- I had a few people I semi knew at the company, and knew I'd have a good portfolio piece to show them from my senior thesis project. However, three days before graduation, a friend from KI msg'ed me that KI was doing summer internships, and asked if I was interested. I spent the next 3 days building my portfolio website/resume & sent it to my friend. A month and two interviews later, they accepted me! Once my internship was drawing to and end, they were able to offer me a full time position.

My #1 piece of advice for folks trying to break into the industry: MAKE CONNECTIONS. NETWORK. Obviously having dedication and building your artistic skills (whether that's character design, animation, story boarding, etc) is a huge part of it- like you can make as many connections as you want, but if you don't have a decent set of skills/a portfolio to back you up, then you might be out of luck there. But I cannot understate the importance of networking.

So, how do you make connections/network? My advice:

-I know everyone can't afford it, but going to an art school/college is a decent way to make connections- not just with teacher's who have worked in the industry themselves, but also with your future artists. Heck, I've been seeing younger artists like myself start their own studios. You can defo still make connections w/o college, but I just wanted to note that.

-Interact with artists/folks in the industry online. comment on their posts, ask them genuine questions. Most folks are happy to answer questions or give portfolio advice.

-Mentorships are a great thing- also something i see offered on twitter a lot. Some studio's like dreamworks have "internship" like programs where people who have recently graduation or are looking for a career change can apply to and learn from. I'd follow companies you're interested in via linkedin, or visit their websites to see if they offer things like this

-Also!! Participate in anijams, gamejams, art swaps, zines- these are all great ways to connect with fellow artists online. My college has an animation club that does anijams twice a year- which is a GREAT thing to put on your resume- it shows collaboration, dedication- things you need to be open to when working in the industry.

-I'd also say that trying to narrow down what you're really passionate about doing (for me, 3d animation just fit my heart the best) and learn more about it. Watch youtube videos, follow tutorials. Practice your anatomy, do gesture drawings from life, draw as many hands and feet as you can, lol. All things to help strengthen your skills! Consistency is key!!

I know that's a lot of info, so I just want to reiterate something: I've been at KI for about a year and a half now, and I am still just as passionate about this game as I was beforehand. That passion is one of my greatest assets. WANTING to do what I do for work makes working a lot easier, and produces a better product. If you have a passion, a drive to do something, you can do the damn thing. Making connections/being consistent as an artists can feel wildly overwhelming. But it doesn't have to be. You're worthy of sharing your art and ideas with the world, and people want to hear them. Baby steps! Start small. Heck talking to me already gets your started with networking :D

Hope that wasn't too rambly/answered some of your questions anon. Feel free to inbox or dm me if you wanna chat more- goes for anyone reading this :)

[perplexedflower]

Last Floor To My Heart

Fandom: Supernatural RPF.

Category: F/M.

Relationship: Richard Speight Jr. x Female Reader.

Type: One shot.

Words: 4,855.

Summary: In a single night, [Y/N]'s life takes a turn for the worse; that is, until she goes seeking comfort in the arms of the only man who can make it all better.

~~~~~~~~~~

Everything happened so fast.

Restlessly sitting on the living room couch, my crossed legs could not stop fidgeting as I waited for Mark to come home. A few minutes earlier, he had called me to say he was on his way home, and that he had something important to tell me when he would be back. When I had asked him why he could not simply tell me over the phone, he had answered it was too significant not to be discussed face-to-face. I had not argued any further, but deep down I knew damn well it was not like him to say a thing such as that.

Mark and I had been dating for almost two years, and this time we had spent together had been good to us. We had met on the set of Supernatural, and back then, it was clear to everyone that we hit it off right away; I was introduced to the plot as an endgame character, so I made my debut near the last seasons of the show. However, I had still been given the opportunity to play alongside Mark, even if only for a few times. And although I was instantly charmed by his Lucifer, I got to know him personally over time and consequently fell for him beyond his character.

It had taken us a while to officially get together, but once we did, we never let go of each other. And we both believed things would grow and evolve between the two of us, shifting our relationship into something more and more serious as time would go on. At least, that is what I believed in until I started noticing a change in Mark's behavior, a change in the way he would talk to me, and act around me. I had always brushed that feeling aside, convincing myself it was only a misinterpretation, a fabrication of my own paranoid mind. But with one simple phone call, all my suspicions had come flowing back up to the surface, and it was becoming hard to ignore them.

As I was getting deeply lost in thought, I suddenly heard the front door open and turned around, only to see Mark enter the living room in somewhat of a rush.

"Hey." He promptly let out without even looking at me.

"Hey..." I awkwardly said back.

I was searching for his eyes, but it was clear to me he was trying to avoid making eye contact with me.

"So... you wanted to tell me something?"

My stomach felt like a tangled bag of knots, hurting my guts, which had a bad feeling about what was about to take place.

"Yeah, we need to talk."

This sentence alone made me gulp and look down at my feet.

"Listen, [Y/N]..." Mark started with faint remorse. "I'm sorry... It truly pains me to say it, as much as it will pain you to hear it, but... we should break up."

I blankly stared at him, in a complete state of shock.

"But-"

"No." He cut me off with a sigh. "It's for the best, trust me."

What? Why? How? Have I done something wrong? Have you met another woman? Do you not love me anymore?

Questions began piling up in my mind, so many questions I wanted to ask him. But I was rendered unable to speak.

"I'm sorry." He said once more, still looking away from me.

His apologies were not fully sincere, I could feel it, I knew him well enough to feel it. But still, I was not able to talk back. All I could do was cry. And so I did: I cried miserably on this couch, feeling sorry for myself, wondering how pathetic Mark must have found me. As my thoughts started to overwhelm me, I finally managed to stand up and walked to our bedroom without a word. I grabbed my suitcase and my duffle bag and put them both on the bed; I rapidly gathered my things, which I had scattered across the room, and stuffed them all back inside my luggage. There was not much to collect, just the essentials: clothes, a book, and my computer. But I refused to leave in this house the only few things I had brought with me. I knew I was no longer wanted here; I knew I had to get out of there.

I quickly changed my clothes and put on a t-shirt, a pair of jeans, a jacket, and shoes. I zipped and closed both my suitcase and bag, before leaving the room with them in hand. As I walked to the front door, I came back into the living room, and Mark stood up as he saw me, ready to go, my hand on the knob.

"[Y/N]-"

"No, don't say anything." I said while crying, interrupting him. "That's what you wanted, for me to go away. So that's what I'm doing."

And with that, I opened the door and stepped outside, after which I closed it right back behind me. Standing in front of the house, I let my luggage fall on the ground beside me and grabbed my head with my hands as I cried more tears.

How did this happen? And why?

I regained my composure and wiped away my tears, before picking up my suitcase and my bag. I took a few steps away from the house and looked around: I had nowhere to go. Mark's house was not very far away from the city center, so I decided to take a night walk. I had always loved walking down the streets at night. But not in this particular state of mind. Not while emotionally devastated.

After a few minutes of aimless strolling, I entered the heart of the city and started seeing all types of people walking up and down the streets, going in and out of restaurants, shopping, and simply minding their own business. As an extroverted person, it had never bothered me much to be around masses of people, and at that very moment, it even allowed me to lose myself among them: I could have cried, nobody would have noticed.

I still had no idea what to do or where to go, wandering alone in the crowded streets. But as I turned my head to the right, my eyes fell on an imposing hotel, illuminated by gorgeous lit-up fountains and surrounded by various types of floral decorations. And that was when I remembered.

Richard. That's the hotel Richard's staying in.

Similarly to Mark, I had met Richard while working on Supernatural; and similarly to Mark, Richard and I had become close friends in only a matter of weeks. After the show had ended, we stayed in touch, and over time, we started to hang out more and more. We eventually began working on common projects together, though they were all silly and for our own amusement. But it led us to have somewhat of a reputation as a duo, to the point of being cast as the two main protagonists in a brand-new TV show. We obviously both accepted, and this new shared adventure had brought us yet even closer to each other.

It had now been some time since we had started working together on the series, and it had taken us to Los Angeles, where we had to shoot for about a week. The production crew had decided to put both of us up in a hotel, but I had told them not to book me a room since I knew Mark resided in town and that I could spend the nights over at his place. Production had accepted my request and ended up booking a single room for Richard, although they had told me it went against regular policy.

Standing in front of the hotel, I looked back on how I had thanked the crew for making an exception. But as I now felt lonely and abandoned, I wished I had not said anything and just accepted the hotel room from the get-go. With my suitcase in my left hand and my duffle bag over my right shoulder, I walked up to the entrance of the hotel and stopped in front of the security guarding the doors. Since I had no room registered to my name, I had not been granted access to the hotel, but Richard had given me an extra entry pass, in case I would need or want to see him in his hotel room.

I presented the pass to the guard and was let inside; walking in, I was instantly blinded by the bright lights emanating from the chandeliers mounted on the ceiling, which contrasted sharply with the darkness outside. For a second, I thought about giving Richard a call, to let him know I was on my way to his room; but given how emotionally weakened I was, I felt I would not be able to speak over the phone, so decided against it. I made my way to the elevator and tried to remember on which floor his room was as I stepped inside; after having searched deep enough in my memory, I pressed the button to the third floor and went up with the elevator. Once on the third floor, the elevator doors opened and I took a step into the bright red hallway.

I slowly walked up to his room and stopped at the door, my luggage in hand, my vision blurry, and my mind blown away. I leaned forward and knocked twice on his door with a shaky hand.

"Who is it?" I heard Richard's voice ask from far away.

"Richard... It's me..." I tried to speak loud and clear.

"... [Y/N]?" He asked with surprise, recognizing my voice. "Hang on."

Inside the room, I could hear fast and loud footsteps, and in a matter of seconds, the door opened widely: I was faced with Richard, staring into my eyes, visibly worried. The door had only just opened that I immediately fell into his arms, my body going limp.

"Woah- Hey, hey." He let out as he caught me by the shoulders. "[Y/N], what's wrong?"

A simple look into his eyes was enough to make him understand I was unable to speak, so he took from my hands the suitcase and bag I was carrying and put them both inside, by the door.

"C'mon, come inside." He said gently as he held me by the arms.

Once inside, he closed the door behind us and made me walk to the couch, before helping me sit down next to him. When he understood I could not stop crying, he put a delicate hand over my knee, which made me look up and into his shining eyes.

"Can you talk?" He started softly. "Do you want to talk? I'm not forcing you if you don't want to or don't feel like it."

Despite how pathetic and pitiful I was feeling mentally, my face still managed to shape my lips into a smile that I sent his way, alongside a nod. Richard and I had been really good friends ever since we had first met, for what seemed to me like forever, and he had always been so caring towards me. Every time I needed someone's presence, he was that someone. That someone who I knew would always be there for me.

I stared back at him and was pained to see how sad he was to see me in such a state.

"It's Mark..." I tried to say, a tear stuck in my throat. "... We broke up."

Richard stared at me in a way I could not describe: he seemed sad, shocked, and for some reason, angry.

"... What?" He finally said after a few seconds of silence.

"He told me it's what's best for us..."

He grabbed his forehead with a sigh, visibly pensive, before turning to me swiftly. He leaned closer to me and hugged me tight, wrapping me in his embrace to try and help me calm down. I felt at peace in his arms. I had always felt comfortable in Richard's arms. But never before had I craved his touch so badly. I grabbed tight onto his back as I allowed myself to cry more tears on his shoulder, my head resting against the crook of his neck. Mark's words had rendered a part of my soul cold and empty, but Richard's warmth was the only remedy I needed to fix it.

He passed a hand on my back, rubbing it back and forth, in hopes of stopping my tears from flowing.

"Shh, shh..." He lulled me softly.

His soothing shushing resonating through my mind, I lost myself in his embrace and kept holding him close, making him understand I did not want him to let go. We remained in each other's arms for a few silent minutes, until he pulled away gently and grabbed my shoulders with care: he looked at me straight in the eyes once more, and when I gazed inside his, it was as if an electrical shock was traveling through my entire body.

"Are you feeling any better?" He asked me with a faint smile.

"I don't know..." I answered honestly while shaking my head slowly.

Richard tucked a strand of hair behind my ear while slightly tilting his head to the side.

"What would help you feel better? What do you want, right now?"

My eyes were still interlocked with his, but my mind went elsewhere.

What do I want?

I asked myself the same question he had just asked me, but was somehow unable to come up with a definitive answer: instead of giving him a verbal response, I stared into his whiskey-colored eyes as I grabbed one of his hands with both of mine. His gorgeous face lit up with a stunning smile I had had the chance to see so many times before, but never had enough of.

"Well, in any case, I do know what you'd need right now." He started, backing away from me a little. "What do you say I make you a cup of tea, and go fetch you a blanket or two?"

I giggled softly at his offer and the sound of my own laughter made me realize I was starting to feel better.

"I say I'd very much appreciate it." I replied with a warm smile.

"Alright, I'll get on it right away then." He smiled back. "The tea might take a while to get ready, so don't hesitate to walk around and stretch your legs a bit."

"Good idea." I said as I stood up from the couch at the same time as him.

While Richard left the room, I took a look around, and only then did I realize his hotel room was not even a single room, but a suite. I spotted three other rooms, in addition to the living area: a bedroom, a kitchen, and a bathroom. I made my way to the bathroom while taking in everything around me.

"Damn, Rich..." I said out loud, addressing him even though he was not in the room with me. "They gave you a full-on suite."

"I know, right?" I heard him chuckle from another room.

I stepped inside the bathroom and passed a hand over the wall as I scoffed lightly.

"I can't believe I'm missing out on all of this." I murmured to myself somewhat disappointedly.

Walking deeper into the bathroom, I approached the sink and stopped in front of the mirror above it.

Jesus Christ...

"... I look like shit." I finished my thought aloud.

I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples with a sigh.

"And to think Richard had to see me like that..."

Opening my eyes back up, I looked more closely at my eyes and the ruined mascara around them.

I'll remove my makeup and clean my face a little, hopefully that'll make me look less miserable.

I made my way back to the front door and picked up my suitcase and my duffle bag: I carried them over to the living area, and set them both down on the floor next to the couch, before unzipping the suitcase, which contained a makeup bag. As I was about to leave the room, my makeup bag in hand, I noticed a blanket and a couple of pillows on the couch, which had not been there before. I smiled and headed back to the bathroom, but stopped by the kitchen this time; leaning a shoulder against the wall behind me, I observed Richard meticulously preparing my tea, softly humming a tune to himself, and felt my cheeks get hotter and hotter the longer I stared at him.

Before he got the chance to turn around and spot me, I kept on walking and entered the bathroom once more. I set my pouch down and opened it to take my makeup remover out, and started cleaning my face. After I had removed all traces of makeup from my face, I splashed some cold water on it, after which I dabbed on my skin with a fresh towel hanging beside the sink. With my face now cleaned and dried up, I took another look at myself in the mirror.

"Well... it's considerably better." I told myself with a sigh.

I put my makeup remover back into my makeup bag and exited the bathroom, and once I was in the living room again, I placed my bag back inside my suitcase. With that done and out of the way, I sat down on the couch once more and let my body relax at the contact of the soft blanket and pillows: just as I was getting comfortable, Richard entered the room, a warm smile on his face and a cup in hand.

"Tea's ready." He said as he walked up to me.

He sat down next to me and held out the mug before my hands.

"Here. Careful, it's hot."

"Thanks."

We exchanged smiles as I grabbed the mug from his hands, but our eyes left each other and my cheeks reddened when my fingers went brushing against his, his skin feeling hotter to the touch than the tea itself. I kept the cup in my hands for a while without actually drinking from it, taking in the heat from the ceramic, and feeling it spread throughout my body. As I took the first sip, I looked back at Richard.

"It's delicious." I told him with a sincere smile.

"It's the one I always make you when you're feeling down, but I perfected it by adding a few drops of honey and milk this time." He said with a sense of pride.

"Well, I love this new specialty of yours." I chuckled gently. "And I hope I'll get to taste it again in the future."

"I'll make you as much as you want. Even when you're not feeling down."

Perhaps it was the sip I had just swallowed, or the syrupy-sweet tone of his voice, but when I heard Richard's words, I felt my throat heat up and spread this heat across my face. Holding tight the mug in my hands, I dared look up and into his honey-colored eyes, sweeter than the honey in my tea. But once I had started staring into them, it was impossible for me to look away; stickier than nectar, they kept me unable to move or fight my way out of them, forcing me to lose myself deeper in them.

And if it had not been for him breaking our stare and looking away, I would have remained stuck into his gaze for all eternity.

"Alright, finish your tea up." He told me as he cleared his throat. "You've gotta rest a little, now."

I blinked a couple of times, pulling myself out of my reveries, and did as I was told. As I took the last sip from my mug, he grabbed the blanket he had brought over and carefully laid it over me, before taking the now-empty cup from my hands.

"If you can, try and take a nap. I know it's still early for sleep, but you've been through a lot tonight, you need to rest. Even just for a short while."

He stood up from the couch, the mug in hand, and turned to me.

"If you need me, or anything, I'll be in my bedroom, all right?"

"All right." I nodded.

As I watched him begin to leave the room, a voice inside of me reached out to him.

"Rich, wait." I suddenly said.

He stopped walking and turned around, only to meet my smiling face.

"Thank you, for everything."

A loving smile took shape on his face at the same time his cheeks got riddled with blush. Turning back around, he flipped the light switch off and headed for his bedroom, leaving me alone in the living room. I lay down across the couch, finding warmth in the cozy blanket covering my body, and closed my eyes with a yawn. As if he was still on the couch with me, I could smell Richard's cologne surrounding me, wrapping me in a feeling of reassurance. Everything around me felt so snug, so homelike, that I fell asleep right away.

When I opened my eyes again, I felt somewhat disoriented, but also revitalized. I reached out for my right jacket pocket and pulled my phone out to look at the time, and saw my good rest had lasted over half an hour. I stretched my arms and legs before slowly rising into a sitting position, and pushed the blanket aside. I rubbed my eyes while yawning then decided to take my phone out once again, this time to check if I had any potential notifications; but before I could even unlock my phone, I was distracted by Richard's voice, conversing with another, awfully familiar one, breaking the silence reigning throughout the entire suite.

I quietly stood up from the couch and as I slowly stepped toward his bedroom, the two voices got louder, deeper, and angrier. Not wanting to interrupt and make my presence known, I stopped around a corner of the wall and observed from afar.

"What's the deal with [Y/N]?" I saw Richard angrily ask the phone he was holding up to his ear.

"What happened between her and I is none of your goddamn business." I recognized Mark's voice on the other side of the line. "Besides, why are you even concerned about that? You should be happy, now she's all yours."

"I have the right to know. And I don't want her to be 'all mine'. She's not a plaything, Mark. You've treated her like a toy for so long, and now you've broken it."

"You think I take pride in what I've done? No, but it was for the best."

Before Richard could add anything else, Mark abruptly hung up on him, putting a forced end to their conversation.

"Bastard..." He murmured to himself as he glared at the phone.

Quietly standing still, I watched him sit down on the edge of his bed, before setting his phone aside and burying his face in his hands; hesitantly, I took a few steps forward and gently knocked on his wide-open bedroom door, revealing myself.

"Rich..." I said in a low voice.

The second he heard the sound of my voice, he looked up and met my eyes, before standing up quickly.

"[Y/N]-" He exclaimed as he walked toward me. "How long have you been up? Are you feeling any better?"

"I am, that nap felt really good." I answered him with a forced smile.

He smiled back at me, but we both knew that neither of our grins was heartfelt: mine slowly vanished as I stared into his eyes intensely.

"Listen, Rich..." I started awkwardly. "I... I heard you talk with Mark over the phone..."

His smile faded away and he instinctively avoided looking into my eyes as he backed off slightly; but I could not bring myself to divert my sight from him, and with the both of us staying silent, I could feel the uneasiness settle between us.

"Do you mind... explaining to me what Mark meant when he said what he said about you?" I shyly spoke up.

Richard exhaled heavily as he grabbed the back of his neck with one hand.

"[Y/N], I..."

He tried to speak, but I could read in him the struggle he was going through to find the right words to use: he did not finish his sentence and instead left it hanging, letting silence take over once more.

"You should be happy, now she's all yours."

This one sentence kept resonating in my head, and the more I was hearing it, the more I was beginning to accept it.

"I know what Mark meant, Rich." I said gently as I took a confident step forward. "But I want to hear it from you."

He finally looked up at me, and before he even said a word, I could read the love in his eyes, and I could feel it spread over to mine.

"I love you, [Y/N]." Richard confessed with a deep breath. "I always have. Since the first time we met, since the very moment I saw you, I've always felt this way about you. And, when you and Mark got together, I promised myself I'd keep my feelings hidden and away. The last thing I wanted was to ruin your relationship by interfering... Mark eventually figured it out a couple of weeks ago."

Listening to him pour his heart out to me, I could feel each and every single one of his words was truly sincere.

"[Y/N]... I'm so sorry to burden you with all this... You shouldn't have to sit through my rambling, after what you've just gone through with Mark-"

"No." I suddenly interrupted him.

His eyes opened wider in surprise, and the gleam visible inside of them was a sign he would have begun shedding a tear if I had not stopped him from talking further. I felt my cheeks flush as I took a step in his direction.

"I... I love you too." I shamefully admitted. "Like you, I always have. Something inside of me triggered when I first talked to you. But... I've always been unsure of my feelings for you, unsure of their true nature... It's always been in and out for me. Then, Mark came pretty early on, so I think my brain just... unconsciously pushed these feelings aside. But they've always been there. They never left."

Staring into his sparkling eyes, I felt the atmosphere surrounding us becoming heavier than ever.

"... I never knew you felt this way about me." I shook my head slowly. "But now, it just feels like it makes all the sense in the world..."

Losing some of my confidence, I looked down at my feet and sighed.

"God, I feel so stupid... I've been oblivious this whole time, I should've seen-"

"[Y/N]." He cut me off gently. "Don't blame yourself, please."

"No, I have my share of responsibility in this, Rich. If I had noticed your feelings for me right away, then... maybe... we could've-"

Before I could finish speaking, my cheeks were cupped by two strong hands, before I felt Richard's lips against mine. The contact of our skins against one another was so sudden, that I could not help but let out a soft, high-pitched moan as we kissed. It was such a passionate kiss, radiating love, yet it felt as though it was the softest I had ever received. Just as my limbs started relaxing and my lips began taking part in the action, Richard pulled away after only a few seconds, leaving a part of me frustrated and wanting more. He shook his head repeatedly as he pressed one of his hands on his forehead.

"Shit- I'm sorry, I shouldn't have, this is too soon-" He stuttered.

"No- I mean, yes-" I stammered as well. "But, to be honest... I think we both wanted it to happen."

We awkwardly stared at each other, our bodies still so close, which allowed me to see his slightly blushing cheeks and made my heart flutter.

"And, besides... even if it can't happen now doesn't mean it can't ever happen again at a later time..." I shyly added.

I lowered my gaze a little and delicately grabbed one of his hands with one of mine, before looking back up into his gorgeous eyes.

"When you asked me earlier, I didn't have an answer, but now, I know what I want."

Richard scoffed gently and smiled as he intertwined his fingers with mine.

"I'll need some time to heal from Mark, Richard. But I know I'll heal faster with you by my side."

As we held each other's hands, the warm smiles we exchanged made us both understand we were making the promise of being honest with ourselves and each other from there on.

"Then I'll never stray away from you."

[gayweedanimal]

Since I gotta be up for work in like 3 hours and can't sleep I might as well talk new years resolutions. Here's mine:

Long ass post so I'm readmore

Read every day: I've been collecting books for a while now and have a huge backlog of super interesting stuff to read. The only thing holding me back is making time to do it.

Write every day: Similarly, I have too many half baked projects/ideas that I need to actually finish. The perfectionist in me has been keeping me from finishing things for years, and for what? Fear of putting out something bad? Some of my favorite things in the world are bad. I already put out bad art all the time, and I love it. I've been struggling with this part of myself for far too long and it's time for it to die.

Organize my information better: I'm a notorious note-taker, but they're always very disjointed and arcane. So I guess that means I'm a bad note-taker. I've been using Obsidian more and more over the last few months and been building better information collection habits to use it to its full potential. Sometimes the first step is just to accept that your memory is shitty and learn to efficiently externalize things. Building off of that...

Manage my time better: I have so much shit going on at any one time it's often overwhelming. ADHD and my various neuroses certainly don't help. I've been doing various things to work on this but I need to stick to them better.

Finish Somnium: I put out a whole one (1) episode last year because I dreamt too big with my episode plans and didn't have the tools to bring them to fruition the way I wanted to - I need to push myself to actually finish more. This year's goal is manageable - 4 episodes.

Learn Japanese: I just think it's a neat language. Maybe one day I'll visit Japan; there's so much I want to see there. I know that seems like a far flung dream right now, but life happens fast.

Work out more: not much to say here, I just need to keep up this habit and push myself harder to build strength.

Get my driver's license: I've almost always lived in areas where I've just never needed to drive, but now that my sister has her's I feel like it's finally time to check this box lol.

Make more money: it's getting harder and harder to keep things afloat (as I'm sure is news to absolutely nobody) even with my pretty decent full time job. I'm assuming I won't get a raise, and also hoping I won't get laid off, but even still I need to get some sort of consistent side hustle doing web design or something similar.

God this really seems like a lot when I write them all down... I'm going to stick to them though. I probably won't kick all of these off at once just to not burn myself out, but I'm gonna do them all.

I really can't live without being able to set goals and make progress on them anymore, even if the progress is slow, even if things slide backwards or I fall off for months or years. I lived with soul crushing suicidal depression for so long and it really made it difficult to believe that my life was worth living or that it was worth investing in my skills or my future. I know a lot of people still think that way and I'm not the best at helping them, and that what worked for me doesn't work for everyone. But seasons change, wounds heal, and in the end, it's always worth it to invest your time in bettering yourself and to keep moving ahead.

Man, I don't know where the fuck I was going with all that but I'm leaving it in. Also why the hell am I writing this long ass post... I barely post here anymore. Anyway fuck it I'm gonna try to sleep AGAIN wish me luck at work in... 2 and a half hours. Happy new year ya filthy animals.

[ley-med]

Hey Ley,

You don’t know me, but I have been a follower of yours for a long time now. I just graduated with my undergraduate degree as a premed student, but I will be taking a gap year to really punch up my experience. I am in a bit of a pickle, and I was wondering if someone further along in the journey may be able to shed some light. You are more than welcome to pass on this if you do not feel equipped to give advice. In short, what should I do if I am having trouble answering why I want to go into medicine? This is admittedly a silly question, but it is something I have been in a bit of a tailspin about since graduating. Before then, I was SO steadfast about it. My undergrad major is unconventional, but it does back up a lot of anatomy and physiology concepts. Since I was a kid, I’ve yearned for this. I have never felt as satisfied as I have being challenged and pushed to learn when it came to medicine. Doubly so when it came to helping people. But when I look at how much left I have to go, and how overwhelming the system feels, I falter.  

My major exposed me to a lot of great work and folks who do amazing things for others, and as much as I loved doing it, I feel irreconcilably split. For so long I had engaged myself to medicine as my future, and it felt earth shattering to realize I could find that passion somewhere else. I still want to become a physician, but I am having a harder and harder time justifying this.

Regards, Anon

Hi Anon!

First of all, ask yourself if you might need a break. You finished a degree, you are tired, let yourself rest a bit and celebrate your accomplishments! You don't have to figure out everything immediately. Enjoy your year a bit :) And congratulations on your degree!

Now, this is a good question. It's only my personal opinion, but if you do medicine just because you've always wanted to do medicine, and can't imagine yourself being happy any other way, I'm pretty sure it would break you. Because when the inevitable hard times come, during med school, or residency, or later, you would stand feeling miserable, and think if this is my happy then what's the point of it all. And that's how miserable and depressed doctors are made...

When I decided to apply for med school, my wonderful mother asked me the same question, why medicine? Easy, I want to help people. Then she said, "okay, fair, but there are several ways to do that. I am a psychologist, I help people. A hairdresser helps people day after day. Why medicine?"

I didn't always used to, but I have an answer now, and that's because I tried to find happiness in the little things. Reading and trying to memorize a genetics textbook with bleary eyes, exhausted from the previously failed exam, while pinterest randomly shows "remember why you started" quotes in your face, really makes you think if it's worth it at all...

I freaking love the human body, science, and knowing the whys of how the body works. The fact that I also get to "play" with it, see the many ways I can affect the body's functions, makes medicine a heaven for me. And yes, I also love bringing people comfort in their darkest hours and easing their pain, and keeping them alive when their body would give up otherwise.

All that said, medicine is great, but in the end, it's a job just like any other job. I do it because I love my job, for now, but I think I would also love owningworking in a bakery, or becoming a biologist (marine biology my beloved I will never entirely give you up). Life is ever changing and that's the beauty of it, no career is set in stone.

What I'm trying to say is, keep thinking about it, and don't think big, just small aspects you enjoy to do. Then take a step away from it, and let it simmer, then think about it once again. Then take away the part where you help people, what's left? If you can, ask other graduated doctors too, how's their job, what do they like about it, so you can decide more fairly for yourself.

And if you realise you don't have any reason, apart from "this used to be my dream", you don't have to. It's not an obligation, don't push yourself into something you will not enjoy, because honestly, the work hours aren't that great...

Once you have an answer though, don't let the long road ahead of you, or the failures of the system stop you. The system is faulty, severely, but so are other systems (and with meticulous and slow work, we can also work on changing it). Med school and residency are hard and long, but every career has its learning curve, before you become an expert (and if I already admitted using Pinterest in my early medschool days, let me add, "the time will pass anyway") and let me be honest, I love residency and learning the things that matter

[hotgirlmuseboardxo]

Not the others. Skeptical but with an open mind. What is spiritual activism?

ok i like a skeptic wit an open mind, that's me a lot too! thank u for giving the chance to explain myself without condemning me lol

i'm a lil high and i just ate some waffles so i'm gonna do my best to make this make sense and if u have more questions u can lmk :)

we are all very aware of what's going on palestine and ukraine, but also places like sudan and myanmar; physical violence, death, sexual assault, the absolute worst kinds of brutality that one doesn't even want to have to think about, right?

as a spiritual person i am also deeply aware (as i'm sure some of you are too!) that everything is energy, and everything is connected. so everything happening in our 3D world is a manifestation of 5D energies. i've developed a really deep understanding of this over the past year especially; i met my twin flame irl this time last year and that set me on an expedited spiritual awakening so now soul-based energy honestly makes more sense to me than ego-based human beings so i spend a lot of time healing myself at more of a 5D level.

i know that i am the universe. i know that you are the universe. i know that every single soul fighting for their lives in those war-torn countries rn is the universe, as are those trying to kill them. we are all just part of one big energetic system trying to balance itself out! so the the 5D, this is what we would call "spiritual warfare," or an overwhelming amount of negative energy trying to take over the positive. in the 3D, this really clearly explains a lot of the chaos and division and just evilness we see around us every day lol.

think about it... where are we not divided? politics, race, gender identity, intelligence levels, socioeconomic status, abortion rights, bitch don't even get me started on stan twitter lmaooo. they want us fighting and angry and fearful of everyone around us All The Time!!! it's exhausting, and it's unfortunately what most of us are taught to buy into from a young age without even questioning it, and so the cycle repeats.

i am blessed enough to be Awake and aware of what's happening on a larger scale. i get psychic Knowings about the energy around me all the time and one of the biggest i've gotten in recent years is that no matter what i do in this life, my biggest and most important contribution will always be the energy i bring to the table; that's what can have the biggest positive impact on everyone else because again, we are all the universe, we are all connected. if you've followed me a long time then you have seen me radically change my life on every single level, and i did that through taking responsibility for my vibration. i was not worried about what other people around me were doing, i just did (and still do) whatever it is that i need to do to show up in the world as my best self and serve my highest purpose (healing others and telling stories) every single day!

through doing this, i cannot tell you how many people i have impacted. i get messages every day from people telling me how i inspire them simply through showing up and being me and embodying the fullness of my beautiful fucking spirit!!! i am ALIVE and i am happy and i am blessed and i see the good in everything and i refuse to let the bad energy win by sucking me into fear and hatred and depression. THAT is spiritual activism. and the more of us that can tap into what we're really in this bitch to do, the more we'll be able to spread the positive energy and light and love and healing throughout the world.

i know how impactful and powerful and important and far-reaching my energy is. i know that the earth is rising in consciousness, and all this conflict is an attempt to hold mankind back from raising their vibration. you have to choose to see beyond the veil. do what you can for others, of course, but you will do your best work – as an activist or in any capacity – once you have made sure your cup is full first.

hope this makes sense, xo

[kitchen-light]

Heya hon….. Cheers for being so open, it’s rare to find that genuine quality on the internet of all places as it’s a closed loop for small minds despite the global storehouse of knowledge I’ve got to ask, is poetry for the poet or the audience, if it’s subjective from both angles then how do you reconcile that

Thanks for your interesting question - one for the philosophers, I think!

I think there will always be an audience for the poem, even if the poems are kept private by the writer, and that is the future you of the poet. Writing to an audience, even if it's a future self, can put a kind of pressure on the poem which changes its energy - so the poem might become more playful, more puzzle-like, more clear. I know for myself that when I'm editing a poem and ready to take it to a workshop, I sit back and think - what am I trying to do in this poem? Have I expressed the best for the poem? Is there justification, and does it fit within the rules of the poem - even if it is a nonsense poem? The force of an audience often challenges me to make the poem the best it can be, rather than just make do.

I think you might mean, here, a more uncontrollable, nebulous audience of large numbers of people you don't know and in many ways, the most helpful thing is to not let yourself be moved by absolutes - we might imagine what a poem might say or how it might move to other people, but we can't define that for them. You know yourself that other people's poems mean different things to you, and once they are out in the world, they take on a life of their own. Our imaginations, as readers, allow the poems to fly. They still belong to the original poet, but now they're also being shared. And that kind of sharing takes on many, many different variations.

This means that poems are mysterious creatures, certainly the ones I enjoy reading the most, and so they are not always going to give the same answers or the right answers. Poems change over time - what once was beautiful can become tarnished and vice versa, big ideas of history and politics are re-shaped over time, and context can change. Poems written in different languages become translations or variations. A great poet doesn't always write what you might consider great poems 100% of the time.

I think, for me at least, writing to an audience is something I'm thinking about, in a concrete way, but not when I'm writing the poem - only when I'm ready to show it to another person, during its revision stages. I remember hearing Edward Hirsch talk about this - and he wrote to one specific, imagined audience member (rather than overwhelming himself with the millions who might read).

And I think, too, that a poem is a subjective, mutable thing - that's where its power lies. But it also doesn't mean that a poem can be cruel or use language that can hurt another person. What are the consequences of writing about someone you know - even if it's someone you pass on the street? These are all important things to consider.

A poet can also write a poem that's written for a specific audience of only their friends and uses language or imagery that only makes sense to them - but then 100000 other people read the poem and enjoy it. Or poems that were commissioned by leaders to be read at important ceremonies have now been lost to time and have no audience.

Perhaps it's not necessarily about reconciling, or thinking in terms of pro or con discussions, but rather feeling and being aware a poem contains multitudes - embracing that. A poem very rarely sits still.

[charmedreincarnation]

hi!

sorry for this ask,if you're don't want to respond,you can delete it.

but,i'm sending this to you,cuz you're the realest one here.(i'm sending it multiply blogs!!)

so my problem is I can't decide,i want to enter the void state and i know it takes some practice and a days to get in.

so, what to do with my other problems,i get exhausted to find a ways to solve that.

losing weight, doing whole skincare routine, doing whole hair routine, shaving, doing hard workouts, doing face workout,being on diet, studying for hours (10+ hours), doing things to take care of your eyelashes,eyebrows,lips,feet,leg and so on.its all exhausting.

i just want to be born hairless, having a perfect hair just by washing it with some shampoo, having perfect cuticle naturally, having perfect teeth and white teeth, eating everything without worrying about your body,like having abs without workout at all and SO ON.

but,my problem i can't even do that all exhausting things, I don't even have a money loll.

so, what should i do?

be focusing on getting to the void every day or do all that shit and still be trying to enter the void state?

be focusing on getting to the void every day or do all that shit and still be trying to enter the void state?

i don't know what to do

i feel exhausted after 10 hours of studying every day, how i can take of myself?i just don't want to do all of that.(to clarify,i only study, I don't take care of myself)

i want to take of myself (do all that shit),but i don't even have time to do that.

what should i do? I don't even know how

should i get into the void state,i'm tired of looking ugly and fat :(

i'm sorry for the vent,i would be happy to any advice!

It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed by all the things you feel like you need to do to take care of yourself. It's understandable to feel that way, especially when there are so many expectations placed on us by society to look and feel a certain way.

Firstly, it's important to recognize that you don't have to do everything all at once. It's okay to prioritize what's most important to you and focus on those things first. For example, if losing weight is a goal of yours, you could start with small changes like incorporating more fruits and vegetables into your diet or going for a walk each day. This will help you both mentally and physically.You don't have to do everything perfectly from the start.

Secondly, self-care is not just about external appearance. It's also important to take care of your mental health and emotional well-being. If you're feeling exhausted after studying for 10 hours a day, maybe it's time to take a break and do something that brings you joy or relaxation, like reading a book or taking a bubble bath.

As for entering the void state, that's a personal decision that only you can make. It's okay to prioritize that if it's something that's important to you, but remember that it's not a requirement for self-care or self-improvement, nor is it required to manifest all your desires! But if it’s adding stress maybe try some other methods?

Regardless , try not to be too hard on yourself. You are worthy of your desires now as you are and even just as much even when you get them. You deserve a happiness and a joyful easy life and you’ll get it!!!

[on-a-lucky-tide]

I've been trying to put this into words since you put If These Scars Could Speak back up. First off, thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Scars is one of, if not the, fic that has stuck with me the most. I must have read it a dozen times before you took it down. It was actually a tab that I kept open on some of my harder training exercises.

(A brief aside, because I'm afraid I cannot always make words work as I intend them to. I am in no way, shape, or form trying to guilt you, or hold any animosity. You did what I assume was best for your mental health, and I respect that immensely. If anything, it was my fault for not saving myself a copy. Please don't take anything that I am saying in a negative way.)

The first time I read Scars, I was blown away. The story is amazing, the characters have so much depth, I am a sucker for your Lambert/Aiden, yes, but it was Geralt who held me captive and kept bringing me back. Because my dear - you wrote me.

From the time I began to suspect I was neurodivergent way back in secondary school, I ruthlessly suppressed it (often to my own detriment). Because I had known from an even younger age that I wanted to join the military, and now, despite being damn good at my job and not once having an issue, I would be medically discharged if I ever ended up in front of a psychologist. (Even now, it puts my heart pounding to write this, but I told myself that since you had the strength to put it back up, I would find the strength write this.) The military has yet to realize that these things exist on a spectrum, and just because there are some people who absolutely should not be allowed to serve, there are just as many who can take their divergence and make it work for them, as your Geralt does.

Here was a character who thrived in the military and was not a walking stereotype (and do you know, I did something similar, finding myself a small unit where I'd only have to handle a dozen or so people). This is the kind of representation I never imagined finding, and to stumble upon it…I don't have the words to adequately express what your story means to me. Thank you for the care you took with this story, for the time and heart and love you poured into it (and your portrayal of PTSD…God, how many of my own brothers I saw in them). I will never stop being grateful that you wrote this. For whatever people said to you, please know that there is at least one person out there whose life was changed absolutely for the better through your words. This is so far beyond a comfort fic - this is what I read when I need to feel like I am not alone in this. Thank you, thank you.

Non, I read the start of this ask and ran away for a bit, but then I took a deep breath and read it properly.

When I tell you I cried, I'm not being hyperbolic. I've had... let's say an interesting couple of months, and it's the small things getting me through. But this is a big thing. It's overwhelming. I am so humbled.

Thank you for letting me know. Really. The story is so precious to me. There are parts of me in every character, parts of the people I know, all woven in with the characters I love. I needed hope when I wrote that story, even with all its clunky bits, so the fact that others connect with it too? I don't have words to express how that makes me feel.

I am always baffled by people's kindness, but I am so, so grateful for it.

I hope you have family and friends that love you like Geralt's does. You deserve the biggest hug and the fluffiest dressing gown to eat chocolate in. Much love, Non.

[rawrroarart]

Hi everyone, semi-important update regarding this blog and why I don't post as often. I say semi because if you're just a casual looker of my blog, you can disregard this because nothing in my blog will change and I'll still be here.

But for the rest of you interested in reading more, I do have a lil potential treat at the end of this post, but it's a little long-winded to get to that point since I'm going to vent a little about my art. Though whether you read my ramble or not, you are free to claim the treat at the end (it's only a potential treat because it's based on if you even like it LOL). I'll be posting in the LWA tag, as I pretty much am a LWA blog, but I do apologize for clogging the place with something a bit unrelated, and this should be the last time I do it

Anyway if you're still reading let's get to it:

So obviously I've been dead in my blog and I hardly, if ever, post art. Now I guess it's normal to see something like this for blogs, as life gets in the way for most people and things just start to faze out. Circle of life or whatever. But truth to be told, I am still very much interested in drawing often, and as of late my life isn't even currently "in the way" that would prevent me from doing so. So why aren't I posting more frequently or even drawing at all if even on my own?

Drawing isn't fun.

That's really misleading, but let me clarify: I have too high of an expectation for myself, and with so many people watching, I get overwhelmed and even nauseous really about not churning out my absolute best All the Time. My situation obviously isn't unique or special or anything, and is of absolute no fault to you or anyone else following me. And I know, of course, no one is telling me to always churn out 100%, but it's the fear inside me to not disappoint even one of you, and I try to be a perfectionist and people-please all at once. Trying to draw like this isn't fun.

Aside from that, I also have huge issues regarding "spamming" people with my posts. This is a honestly stupid issue because no one is forced to follow me, and I know people are here because they want to be here, but I just can't help but feel bad when I post too frequently, especially combined with content that's subpar. Even this post alone I feel guilty about, since no one really "signed up" for a whole rant about inadequacy, but I figured it would be good for me especially for what treat I mentioned earlier.

These two issues together make up part of the whole sha-bang of my standstill. I get stressed if my content isn't up to standard and I get stressed if I post too often. So I just do nothing. And the more I do nothing the more stressed I get about having to be even better than the last time I've drawn, because it's obviously been so long that I must have improved on my own! (I haven't)

Anyway what does that bring us to? What is my attempt of a solution? Something obviously needs to happen to fix this, and I just want to have fun creating content again. So here's the "treat" that I mentioned earlier: I have a new art blog or should I say a doodle/scrap blog, and you are free to join me on my new journey.

How is this different from my current art blog, you ask? Well for one thing, it's going to be mainly for doodles, blurbs, anything I want really. The real kicker is that I also won't be tagging my posts (maybe occasionally if it's funny enough), so they shouldn't reach a bigger audience and spam the designated tags they would be in (like LWA). I can also more appropriately convince myself that, if you followed me, you especially are consenting to a bunch of posts (if I even post that much ha), and I'll also hold a soft spot for you LOL

You also don't have to follow me, as I'm sure a lot of my doodles will make their way to my art blog here, but in the form of one singular post labeled "doodle dump" or something. So no ones really "missing out" on anything. Following the new blog just gives you first access to whatevers going on with me

Note: I will still be posting art I put a lot of effort into on this blog!!

Of course this is all experimental, and it could all just go to shit, but I want to try to do something to get out of my slump. And before you ask "why can't you just draw without posting," it's because I thrive on validation also which is also why I get put in a standstill LOL. So yes please follow me if you'd like, I would be happy.

On another note, I'm also planning to purchase an ipad to actually have a better way of drawing, as my current digital art set up is really janky, laggy, and off-putting that it makes me not want to try either. But apple's art app looks so nice and seems perfect for me. I've set up my kofi to accept donations with a milestone if you wanted to lend a helping hand. It should be linked in my bio!

Anyway yea thanks for reading this far and supporting me. I'll do my best to keep producing content and improve my skills.

Tl;dr If you're here for the "treat," I have a new doodle blog but you consent to no thoughts head empty if you follow it. I'm also looking to buy an ipad sometime.

[reviewcreature]

Felix Ever After

I finished Felix Ever After by Kacen Callender 2 months ago and I still have absolutely zero clue on how I feel about it.I wasn't even planning on finishing it today. Started reading a bit while traveling and when i had to stop i was in the middle of a chapter, so i told myself i would finish at least the chapter when i'm back home. And then well, the chapter ended on a cliffhanger and then the climax started to kick in and i just couldn't stop without knowing what's going to happen. And so i ended up reading chapter after chapter and clinging to the words. One thing about the book is that it's easy to read and get sucked in. There is a lot happening all the time and Felix' inner monologue is a great guide throughout his struggles and experiences that makes it easy to follow along.

Sometimes however the sheer amount of actions and dialogues and interactions and confrontations can get overwhelming. There is so much happening, it feels like neither the characters nor the reader can really catch a break. It can both draw you in as well as overwhelm you. Which i suppose could be part of the process and intention.

One thing that has definitely changed for me in the course of reading the book were my feelings towards Felix. I found myself be annoyed at his actions and thoughts in the beginning, annoyed at his annoyance, annoyed at how he looked at and treated the people around him. This changed when I got to know him, got to experience a deeper look into his inner world. It's a bit like Ezra describes him towards the end- how caring he is once he lets someone in. That's how i saw it. Felix slowly let me in and shared his feelings, fears, thoughts with me. But there is also another big thing about why i disliked Felix: I disliked Felix because i could relate a little too much to him. He was too much like i used to be, before i started my own journey into self discovery and self love. He annoyed me because i annoyed myself. And coming to terms with that while reading was a difficult process itself. To realise i liked Felix, to realise i had to look past my own resentment towards myself and certain character traits to be able to open up to Felix and his story.

But the main part that truly has my conflicted and is the most difficult for me to wrap my head around and figure out is the duality of the story. Which is funnily enough also one of the things i like the most. For me, there are two sides of the story that are both influencing each other but also opposites from one another: hate and love. On one hand, we have all the hate and hardship and discrimination that Felix has to deal with. From his dad trying but failing to truly connect with him and accept him to microagressions from peers and unsensitive questions or assumptions to straight up transphobia with the gallery or hate messages he gets. He is constantly confronted with othering and not fitting in with others as well as visible and verbal hate. This all affects the way he sees his surroundings, the people around him and ultimately himself. He starts being affected by the hate, internalising it, accepting it. Which makes the second part much more difficult. Because on the other hand there is love and acceptance and self discovery. A journey that Felix goes on that is affected by the negative experiences and emotions in his life. Yet despite everything, he finds it. He finds love in many different forms. He finds love in his relationship with his father, he finds love in his friendship with Leah and he finds love with Ezra. He even finds closeness with Declan, despite his relationship with Declan symbolising a distant kind of love, a concept of love, a daydream disconnected from reality. But the feelings still help him on his journey into accepting real unfiltered love. And that includes love and acceptance for himself. He starts to truly see himself, represented by his self portraits. He learns to be proud, to be himself. He learns that he is worthy of respect and he starts demanding it. He learns to love himself, with all flaws and mistakes he has made. Despite the hate and conflict, he finds himself. He finds his identity, he finds his passion, he finds his peer groups and communities. In the beginning of the book Felix was riddled with anxiety and fear. He was holding himself back. And by the end of this journey he opened up- both to himself and to the world. So we get two sides of a story that are intertwined: the hate Felix experiences as a Black, queer, trans person and the love he has despite it. It's about empowerment. About taking up space as beautifully illustarted by his self portraits reclaiming the space where he was hurt. It's about writing his own story instead of watching or letting others tell it.

And lastly, I just need to add how fascinating it is for art to be such a consquent and obvious theme throughout the book. Felix' passion and talent for art are ever present- not just in his paintings but in his conversations or in the way he sees and describes the world. It adds so much to his character and storytelling.