#I'm. okay. I keep the playlist around because like. yeah I forget that a thing happened to me that changed me forever

[anothermonikan]

I get so hyped when Twin Size Mattress comes on the 8th grade / year 9 playlist it's unreasonable. Girl that is your entire 8th grade experience in a song we are not hype about that. what

[sage-is-in-fact-very-tired]

might've cooked too hard on this. it sure is. so many worbs. [18,320 words, to be exact.]

but, i commit to my bit, and I will continue to do so because i'm a *loser* - so, welcome to the “sage looked at the c!sherb playlist and went far more bonkers than probably necessary” post. because uh. nothing i say ever stays a bit very long-

—

[Section One - Man. Icarus Morningstar is such a character. The most character of all time.]

-> [Icarus]

-> In my mind, this is 2 to 3 people talking to/about Icarus. The first section, up until the instrumental in the middle, being Centross. Just the whole idea of drinking, it feels very much Centross about them. (“Living beyond your years” is very reset coded - not Centross talking about them, but the rest of that section definitely feels like Centross.) The second section, up until “you put up your defenses when you leave”, is very much Fable talking about them. Just the whole idea of them falling - he would've been the one to see that - and the whole idea of him being scared of that happening again and again and *again.* The last section, following that, could be argued it's either Centross or Rae. How they both know that Icarus puts up this front, this armor, when they talk to people, when they walk around, and only really *really* drop that when they're alone or when Centross or Rae is around. (Well. There's an argument that they *don't* drop their walls completely around Centross or Rae, but this is playlist analysis, not character analysis-)

(Also the whole reset idea of Icarus dying over and over again, forgetting over and over again - falling over and over again.)

-> [Redesign Your Logo]

-> This is very much about the whole change from *just* yellow's and golds, to the yellow and purple color scheme they end up with due to the eye. It's very Midas to Icarus coded, basically. Because as a kid, they were mostly dressed up in yellows, but as time went on, and as the eye happened, and as the resets started, that *changed.* they shifted into wearing purples more often, mixing them with yellow - for all intents and purposes, redesigning the logo they had previously had. Also the whole idea of the trident changing from the trident to the Quixis symbol - cause. Yeah that's kinda Icarus’ logo. (The argument could also be made about how they become nicer with the eye and the following resets - their logo, their typical-ness of being a snarky asshole shifts into being something kind and caring and compassionate. It's Redesigned, and it's at least *partially* Midas’ doing.)

-> [Any Day Now]

-> Icarus about the wack. How they want it to stop, *think* it will stop, soon. It'll stop ‘any day now’ - it can't keep going forever, can it? (Also the pain Icarus is constantly going through - the bad, the horrible and the terrible and the suffering - it'll stop eventually, right? It can't keep going on forever - it'll stop any day now as long as they can *make it* there, make it to the point they're good and happy and it can stop. They just have to keep going and it’ll *stop.*)

-> [&]

-> Icarus’ hypocrisy. How they do things, harm, yell at, everything like that, to others - while doing the same things they're berating others for themself. How they'll do one thing, and call it fine, while criticizing that *exact* same thing. Also could be seen in a light of Fable talking about Icarus’ actions and friendships and things of that sort.

-> [Comb Attack]

-> Okay this one is. Mmm. Okay. Most of the words in here are very glitchy, very cut off from each other - something about the resets cutting off Icarus? Cutting their words off, cutting their actions off, cutting their memories off, *glitching* them.

-> [Hungover in the City of Dust]

-> Icarus’ Isolation. How their friends are constantly leaving them alone and isolated, and how they're constantly pushing people away, and how they're left running around in circles trying to catch up, trying to save themself, figure out what's wrong, figure out how to *fix it.*

-> [Mr. Backwards]

-> Icarus’ more backwards way of thinking. How they'll tell you what they *want* How they're hurting, but they're not going to tell you. How they're trying so desperately to not let people see that, seem so backward to others.

-> [Never Meant to Know]

-> Just the whole idea that there is so much about this world that Icarus cannot and should not be privy to until the correct time - how they live their life rather peacefully up to that point, not knowing, never knowing. The whole idea of the resets - and how really, truly, Icarus wasn’t supposed to know about *any* of this, how they were supposed to be *dead* and they’re not, they were genuinely *never* meant to know.

-> [Out of the Box]

-> Resets. The whole idea that Icarus has died again and again - and that whole like. Abrupt manner of the resets. How they can be doing something one moment and the next they're outside, surrounded by grass and surprised.

-> [Digital Silence]

-> Icarus siding with Fable, and really, Icarus’ actions in general - How they have to do this, regardless of what others say, and regardless of how it makes them *feel* - they *need* to do what they're doing right now; it's all a means to an end and they *need to* do it - because if they don't, things could go very wrong and very different. (Different in a bad way, of course.)

-> [Alien Blues]

-> Just kind of describing Icarus’ whole life - the pain, the bad, the terrible. The whole idea Icarus plays everything off as a joke - they *don't* let people see what really happens, and the snark and asshole attitude people give them because of that. Also maybe the whole idea of the way the things snark them sometimes after bad things, when they're repeating history in a bad way. (Also also also “I'd do anything for you, Mrs. Highness” something about how they’d do anything for Fable, *anything* - even if it meant killing their family, if it meant that he might love them; if it meant they’d be good and they’d have succeeded in something - succeeded instead of *failing.*)

-> [Under My Skin]

-> Just. Everything with being not entirely yourself. Everything about being yourself on the outside, but having someone else simmering right under your skin, telling you things, making you do things. The entire idea that Icarus isn't entirely all *themself.*

-> [Able]

-> That whole idea of Icarus not wanting to be alone in their own mind sometimes, on top of wanting to just be *fine* - on time of trying to so desperately *convince* themself that they're all entirely and completely fine. Saying it out loud so it properly sets into their mind, so it properly comes to fruition.

-> [Mirror Man]

-> That need to be *seen* by someone - anyone. That need to be heard and seen and known by someone - and the knowledge that if they don't, Icarus will make it worse for not only themself, but *everyone* else - make them live Icarus’ nightmare.

-> [Brass Goggles]

-> A) Copper duo; B) That whole idea, almost, that Icarus likes to shove down their feelings. They like to pretend the Icarus that has bad, upset emotions doesn't exist - at least, when in front of people. That whole idea that they try to present themself as someone who doesn't break down in front of others, they try not to cry and they try so desperately to keep this facade up and teach themself more as time goes on how to do so.

-> [Bleed Magic]

-> In my mind, this is very Midas talking to Icarus. Just that whole idea of Midas knowing what Icarus is like; that whole idea that Icarus is *lonely*, that no one believes them just because of how much they *lied*, and is, somehow, bleeding magic out. Literally, in the direct form of Sherbert's eye (Which was, in a way, *killing* Sherbert - not necessarily the bleeding eye, just simply the fact they didn’t become Quixis when they needed to), as well as the whole concept that due to the fact they didn't become Quixis when they should've, Midas has spent far far too much time and energy and *magic* on them. Icarus literally draining them, bleeding them, leaving them with such little control.

-> [Gold]

-> This being about how everything they touch changes no matter what they do, how they try so hard to keep if from changing - but the wack is random, Midas’ can't control it, and so it *changes,* it changes gold and bright. Everything they touch changes to gold, huh?

-> [Gold]

-> Just, I guess, that whole idea that no matter how many people leave them, or get killed around them, or anything like that, they'll come back. The idea that those people can't break like that, because Icarus has always seen them like a rock that *can't* break.

-> [creature]

-> That whole idea of how Icarus *is* Creation's child. They are creation, in a way. They push His ideals, however subconsciously, into people. He is leading their way, and will be, and this is a good thing. And Icarus pushes and pushes this idea - showing both the good parts of themself, not quite the good parts of Creation, as well as the bad more twisted parts, parts almost completely Fable's fault due to them almost being *His* ideals. (“I am creation, both haunted and holy.”) Also almost that whole idea of the resets, their body re-created and re-created over and over and *over* again. They *are* the embodiment of Creation's powers - a person remade through Him, made in His image, made to be the person *He* wants them to be. Haunted, in the idea they might as well be a ghost, and Holy simply because Fable deems them as such - deems them His favorite.

-> [Path to Isolation]

-> A) Oh my gods this song is so fucking coded what the fuck; B) The whole idea of how loss, be it of someone, or *something* - leads them down this path. Leads Icarus so often down this path of immense anger, leads them down the path of the side of the enemy. That whole idea of everything breaking, be it through their own means or someone else's. That whole idea that going down this path so often means that they're so incredibly alone, and means they can't *recognize* themself - they don't know who they've become in all this pain and hell and *bad*, they can't find it. They just keep falling apart and they don't even know when or where to begin to pick up the pieces.

-> [Bet On It]

-> Just that whole idea that Icarus wants to do the right thing, so desperately. Despite all their doubts, their disbelief, their questions about this world, they want to do the right thing - they *will* do the right thing. They need to. They've put all their effort into doing the right thing - it'd all fall apart if they didn't continue to do that.

[Section Two - Broters. also family <3]

-> [Problems]

-> Am I aware this is on the playlist because of Charles? Yes. Am I going to say this is brothers coded anyway? *absolutely.* Because it is brothers coded - something about Icarus seeing themself as bad and someone who can't be saved, while they view their brother in a significantly better light, and see him as the good one and the one who's gonna save them.

-> [Two Birds]

-> *Separation* - This is very much Icarus and Rae drifting away from each other. Icarus drifting away and leaving and hiding, while Rae continues time and time and *time* again to help them and save them and drag them back *home.*

-> [Family Line]

-> Something just about repeating history, and something about following after your parents, and something about how they'll try to change and change themself so much so they don't mirror their parents, and something about how they have to live with everything their parents have done.

-> [Call Them Brothers]

-> Separation!! Again!! The brothers are apart from each other, separated rather permanently through the resets, and, from Icarus’ point of view, they probably *can't* fix it. They can't mend themselves back together like they used to, they're broken.

-> [Brother]

-> Something about how despite being broken, despite all the separation and time lost that hangs between them, they still rely on each other. They'll still help each other no matter the cost, because, in the end, they're still brothers - they still love each other and they still *care.*

-> [Rule #4 - Fish in a Birdcage]

-> Icarus being trapped and isolated, be it through their own doings or their father's or *anyone's*, and how Rae will always be there to sooth them, help them, care for them, *love them.* He cares so desperately, and he'll do his best to take care of them, and Icarus *believes it* - that he loves them.

-> [Icarus]

-> This one feels *mostly* Rae talking to Icarus - Seeing just how far they've flown, and just how far they're willing to fall. That realization of what Icarus has become after all of this, and trying so very hard to drag Icarus back down in any way he can. The last part is Icarus to Rae, however. That try to get him to stop - that “you can't save me, Rae.” That acknowledgment, no matter when in the timeline, that Rae can't save Icarus. (Icarus has to be the one to save themself.)

-> [The Family Jewels]

-> Just that whole idea of cycles - that whole idea of just fucked their whole family is. That whole idea that this cycle of pain and suffering will continue until *they* (Icarus) stops it. Their almost snark to Rae, that idea that they only share *one* last name - Morningstar - and not both. Also that whole idea of Icarus being the favorite - that Fable conditioned them to be the “better” one, conditioned them to be like *this.* (Also just the whole idea of “jewels” - royalty. That idea, almost, of Icarus welcoming Rae to this life. This life of trying too hard, so very hard to be perfect - to be the best, to be royalty, because they have to be. And, arguably, that realization that Rae never had to live that life. That realization Rae never *had* to be the perfect one - Rae got to. Live normally, pretty much. Whereas Icarus grew up young having to be a prince and be as perfect as they could.))

-> [Sparkbird]

-> The whole idea of Icarus noticing little things, pointing them out, needing Rae to notice them. The whole idea that Icarus grew up far *far* too quickly, and Rae is almost their outlet of that - they want so desperately to make up for a) all the time they lost with the resets, and b) all the times Icarus was just an asshole to him.

-> [When the Day Met the Night]

-> Did Sherb say this was Fable, Enderian, and Isla? Yes. Am I going to say it’s brothers coded anyway? Also yes. Just the whole idea of how Rae is always there for Icarus, and how they make each other better when they’re together, and how yes, they often have their bad moments between each other, but in the end, there’s always good - in the end they always manage to find a way to have the sun shine brightly upon them, how in the end they still love and care to deeply about each other.

-> [Icarus]

-> Rae to Icarus. That whole idea that Rae can so easily see through Icarus’ front - so easily see what they're trying to hide. The idea that Rae can so easily see the danger Icarus so often leads themself to, and so often tries to deter them away from that. The whole thing of Rae so often giving Icarus an *out* - asking them questions, leading them in the right direction. (Or, at the very least, trying his hardest to do so.)

-> [I've Got You]

-> Considering this is a Zenni song, and one made for Fable specifically, it doesn't *really* need an explanation - However, just like. The whole idea that despite everything, despite all the brothers have been through and all their arguing and all their bad and terrible, Icarus and Rae still care about each other. Icarus will still keep Rae safe no matter what happens, because that's what older brothers *do*, that's what *family* does.

[Section Three - Season one, am I right or am I right-]

-> [Fine]

-> Just that whole idea at the beginning of season 1 that everything was actually *okay.* It was fine, it was okay, they were all *okay.* Nothing bad had happened yet (at least, not that they could remember), and it was all going well - and the idea that it was going to *continue* to go well. To them, nothing bad was going to happen, because why would it? It's all gone well up to this point - why would it start now?

-> [My Eyes]

-> This is very early corruption - the first part being Icarus, that slow realization of what they're falling into - bad and anger and hopelessness (almost?), and that whole idea that they're getting *worse.* The second part is Momboo - almost trying to comfort herself and Icarus, convince herself and Icarus of what they (Icarus) *really* wants - that they don't want to be bad, truly. (Regardless of their actions, and what Momboo and Co see so clearly in front of them.)

-> [If I Killed Someone for You]

-> Icarus to Momboo in early corruption. The idea of their true sense of self - or at least, the sense of self they had before - is slowly rotting away as corruption takes hold. Slowly killing the good person they were, slowly killing them, and leaving only the bad, ugly, and bloodied pieces of them. Would she still care about them, still hold their hands, if they weren't the same person she had fallen in love with?

-> Could also be viewed as Icarus to Momboo in late corruption, more towards the end, after killing Haley. How there's physically blood and gore on their hands, and would she still hold their hands knowing that that covered their hands like that.

-> [Laplace's Angel (Hurt People? Hurt People!)]

-> Corruption. Basically Icarus to *everyone* - That snark of “am I *really* that bad?” because they know, if necessary, they can be so *so* much worse. That acknowledgment that if anyone else was in their shoes, they'd probably drop to the same lows they had - the same bad, terrible and horrible actions. (Well - they *think.* They come to know later that probably wouldn't be the case, but it's almost what they end up believing up until, really, Breaking Bonds.) Just that whole idea of their mentality during corruption - how bad they can be, and how much worse they could be, and how much someone else in their same shoes would be just as bad.

-> [Ways to Be Wicked]

-> Very Ominous Bane. Just that whole idea of there being so many ways they can just be *evil.* The whole idea of trying to convince people to join their side, to join their cause, to change the story, to be *bad.*

-> [Heathens]

-> Sherb said this is very Easton talking to Athena about Ominous Bane/Icarus, Centross, and kinda sorta Seven, and I very much agree with that. Just the whole idea of a *warning* - of how messy and chaotic and bad Ominous Bane can be. The whole idea of everything they've been through before this, be it if they remember it or not, and how it affects them still to this day. The whole concept of someone trying to warn Athena of what they're getting into, *tell them* what everyone here is like.

-> [I WANNA BE YOUR SLAVE]

-> Just that whole idea of wanting to be seen as good by Enderian - almost? That whole idea of *wanting* to be her puppet, and wanting her to tell them what to do. (And that whole idea of after it, wanting to be redeemed.)

-> [Twisted]

-> Hot take - Icarus taunting people. Icarus trying to get Ominous Bane with them to help taunt people - *specifically* Athena. Just that whole idea of trying to get them to believe that, a, they're not a hero, they're not going to be - and b, this world as it is, isn't worth saving. They need to mess with it, blow stuff up, kill people, *something* to make it worth it.

-> [Ramalama (Bang Bang)]

-> Just the whole idea of Icarus and Co going around and blowing shit up. Just the snark and annoyance and bullshit they say during it, and the stuff they tell people while they're blowing stuff up - the whole *loudness* and bangs of the explosions - all of it.

-> [Secret]

-> Icarus asking Athena to keep all of this - Ominous Bane, *everything* about corruption - a secret. That loosely veiled threat of what would happen if Athena told *anyone* - what would happen to *them* if they dare spill that to others. The fact that Icarus so desperately wanted to keep corruption, keep their actions, keep Ominous Bane and Athena's involvement in it, a *secret.* (And how, in the end, they can't. Because in the end, Athena *tells* - and Athena gets hurt because of that, but they also get *saved* because of it.)

-> [Hawk in the Night]

-> Icarus to Athena - That whole idea of Athena doing good and being what Icarus wants her to be for them and Ominous Bane. That whole idea that Athena should fight against their friends, stop trying to call out to them for help, stop trying anything - and being proud when Athena would finally end up doing that, cutting ties.

-> Hot take, not in the correct spot in the playlist for this, but also Fable talking to Icarus - be it before or after the cathedral. That whole idea of Fable *wanting* Icarus to isolate themself from their friends and brother, and being pleased when they did that; as well as the whole idea of fighting your friends and family and siding with the “bad guys” and not, well, your family. (Or well, Your family family. The people who really love you. The people who’d care if you’d die. The people who want you to be there and you to be around them.)

-> [Sharks]

-> Just that whole idea of Icarus and Ominous Bane almost taunting Athena while he’s with them. The whole idea that everyone knows, that Athena thinks they can be better than everyone else (when in reality they’re just the same), and the whole idea that one day Athena will see that all she’s doing is swimming with sharks that want her gone and dead and hurt the same as everyone else.

-> Another hot take, Rae to Icarus around A Brother’s Final Stand. That whole idea that one day Icarus will realize their mistakes and missteps and wrong doings and how *Fable* is wrong, and they’ll truly realize how in too deep they are, and just how deep they’ve gone to swim with the sharks.

-> [Lies]

-> Just that whole idea of *all* the lies Icarus tells during season 1. To others, to get people on their side; to Ominous Bane to make themself look better; to *themself* to hide away they're *cracking.*

-> [We Both Reached for the Gun]

-> That whole idea of being a puppet to someone else. That whole idea of someone standing behind you, trying to control your actions and words and *everything* about you. That whole idea of corruption, being a puppet to yourself - in a weird sort of way. And that whole idea that during corruption and Ominous Bane, Centross tried so desperately to make Icarus do what *he* wanted.

-> [Wolf in Sheep's Clothing]

-> Just the whole idea of corruption. All that anger and upset and *mad* - targeted at *everyone.* Arguably, Icarus to Centross. Just that anger at how he gets to Enderian, that anger he gets to do whatever *he* wants, and they're delegated to. whatever this is. All of the arguing that happens between them - it's very season 1 prison duo.

-> [Play With Fire]

-> This is Centross and Enderian, yes; *Arguably* them almost taunting Icarus. The whole idea of them getting to do all of this, and do it *together* - while Icarus hasn't even gotten to *talk* to Enderian.

-> [Can't Stand the Rain]

-> Just that whole idea of literally not being able to stand the rain - how it's constant, how it means this just keeps going and going and *going* and they're not really getting any further than before. (Also like that whole idea of love - how there's truly no such thing as it, as long as this keeps going; as long as they’re corrupted.)

-> [Bust Your Kneecaps (Johnny Don't Leave Me)]

-> Three Strikes Three Strikes Three Strikes. This is so *incredibly* three strikes coded. Just that whole idea of Icarus taunting Athena, chasing after them and everyone else, threatening them. The way that Icarus was fully willing to hunt and kill all of them - fully willing to *go there* and hurt them like that.

-> [6up 5oh Copout (Pro / Con)]

-> This is so very prison coded. Just that whole anger at the fact they were even *put there* - the idea that people would dare misuse their trust like that to trap them. The anger of being alone and trapped and the fact no one was even *considering* letting them out. That need and what to be *out* because they were perfectly fucking *fine* - they didn't need to be trapped like this, why did they even *think* Icarus needed to be trapped like this?

-> [Murders]

-> Getting put in the prison. The idea that they go looking for something, they’re promised something and they work incredibly hard to get to that point - but in the end the prison ruins that for them. In the end, all their efforts were really worth nothing. All their efforts to see the end of this weren’t worth anything because look at where they are now. Look at where this has gotten them - trapped in a prison, panicked and alone and *hurt.*

-> [Nothing Left To Lose]

-> Loose Ends Loose Ends Loose Ends. This is so very incredibly Loose Ends coded. Just that whole idea of Icarus’ to put Centross into the prison - and their attempt at that. Then Centross almost immediately trying to put *them* back into the cell. The following argument and then Centross flying off, Icarus and Rae following. And then the whole idea of Icarus trying so *desperately* to keep him from blowing up their house - and failing because Centross just doesn't give a shit. Centross doesn't have any attachments to them anymore, they've served their purpose (his words), and he doe\snt need to keep them or their house or their anything around any longer - and so he goes through with blowing it up. He leaves Icarus alone there to pick up whatever they can.

-> [As the World Caves In]

-> The season 1 finale - just that whole idea of Centross blowing up the tree, the world literally caving in as Fable rips away yet another page. The way everyone gets ready, gathers around for the funeral of a woman none of them *really* knew, ready to mourn, but not knowing the events that would follow; they get ready for a funeral - only it’s not *only* Haley’s, but also their own. Sure they’ll come back, but the world will still cave in, and the person that sat in those seats will be long gone by the time they do.

-> Arguably also could be the season 2 reset - that whole idea of getting ready and dressing up and *armoring* up to fight Perix/The Warden and getting to that point, putting her soul into the portal frame; only to find Midas had switched Fable and Haley and it was all for nothing, and. Oh. Now the world is caving in - it’s falling apart.

-> [What if Tomorrow Comes]

-> I guess really that whole idea of hoping that Centross blowing up the tree isn't really, truly, the end of this all. That hope that tomorrow will come regardless because this can’t be the end. But also almost that doubt and unknown of if it really would come - that idea that, to them, it really seemed like they were *going* to die with no way of coming back. (And that whole idea of being proven very wrong as they wake up a few weeks later in a reset world, and slowly work to get their memories back as time goes on. That realization that tomorrow *will* come because it came once, it came tens of times before, so it’ll come again and again until they figure all of this out and stop it.)

[Section Four - Season two, why are at least a half of these about putting centross in the prison. *sherb*]

-> [New Life]

-> Just that whole idea of how since no one remembers at the beginning of the Sculk reset, they all - Icarus especially - have an opportunity to, at least until they remember properly, start anew. Icarus doesn’t remember, and for a while no one really remembers them, so they have an opportunity to have a new life; to rebuild things long since broken and make them better. Icarus doesn't have to worry about everything they did in the past if no one can remember it, meaning they get a free past to - at least, for a while, and for all intents and purposes - start a new life on a clean slate.

-> [People I Don't Like]

-> Very much Centross at the beginning of season 2 - to everyone really; though considering this *is* the Icarus playlist, it's arguably to Icarus. Just that whole idea that Centross *knows* them and everything they did and all the feelings he holds about them - and the whole idea that Icarus just. Doesn't. That whole thing of Centross trying to make himself seem good in everyone's eyes, save face and all of that - especially to Icarus. (Especially considering Icarus has/had *very* strong feelings about everything Centross did and told them and. All of that. Not that they remembered all of that at the beginning of the reset, but. Concept.)

-> [Turn The Lights Off]

-> The whole vibe at the beginning of season 2 that people shouldn't go to the end - or at least go to the end *alone* - because look at where that got people last time. Don’t go to the end because you could end up corrupted just like *they* did, and they don’t want that to happen again.

-> Part of me would also say, maybe not within this season, but also season 3 - with the end, that this could also be used in reference to the Worldport and how it’s decaying and how that’s where Quixis is and everything that happens every time Icarus goes in there.

-> You could also maybe make the argument that it’s about Purgatory and Fable - Don’t go with him, don’t go in there and subject yourself to that because you could become more of a monster than a man - more of a loyal soldier than yourself, more of a guard dog than a person. Don’t go down that hole, turn those lights off, because who knows what will happen. (Don’t side with him because you’ll become the monster you’ve always feared becoming - you’ll become the person you’ve never wanted to become.)

-> [The Devil You Know]

-> That whole idea of Icarus not remembering - but also *wanting* not to remember. Icarus has seen the way people react to them, they don't want to remember that person. Sure, right now they're not the *most* amazing person, but they can tell that they were so so much worse before - and they don't want to remember that. It's better to *just* remember the devil they are now, the person they've become, than the person - devil - they were before.

-> [What Did I Do?]

-> Very much season 2 Icarus runaway arc. Just that whole lead up if it - that idea of them wondering what they've done for months and months, and their proposal of an *arena*, and the fallout, the way they ran. That whole idea of them not knowing what they did, what they were, who they were; that whole idea of them wondering what they *did* to be looked at like *that* - what they did to be talked to like that and threatened, what they did to make their family (the only semblance of stability they had even during season 2) so *afraid* of them. (And almost the idea that they were afraid of that - afraid and scared of being viewed in such a way; that idea that this is an active fear that they have.)

-> [It's Not the Same Anymore]

-> Very much Icarus remembering - but less that immediate “*oh fuck yeah I remember!*” and more that “oh. fuck. I *remember.*” Just that whole idea of now that they remember, nothing back home, nothing within town, is going to be the same. None of it will have the same connotations to it, and none of their relationships with people will be the same - because now Icarus *knows* and now they're going to be far, *far* more cautious with their words and actions. It's not the same - and oh how they remember just how fucking *miserable* they were. Additionally, that kind of whole idea of how they should be happy, they should be happy now that they've remembered everything - they *know* now; but really, in the long term, remembering everything just makes it so so much harder to navigate *everything.* (The vibe the end of the song really gives is after all of the Prison Arc Part 2, Icarus trying to make up and make their relationships and friendships and *everything* better - fix them up and pick up broken pieces.)

-> [Could've Been Me]

-> Remembering but we're happy this time! Don't think about all of the consequences and bad feelings and *everything* that comes with remembering you're a horrible person - only focus on the fact you remembered and can now go home and definitely totally be incredibly happy with your family again! All jokes aside, that's very much the vibe this song has. Just that whole idea of Icarus being incredibly happy that they've remembered everything - that they can go *home* finally, they don't have to stay out in the middle of nowhere alone because they're terrified of hurting people. Also that whole idea of everything they want to do now that they remember and know where the line is - know what they can say that won't tow too far over a line and/or trigger someone.

-> [Brutus]

-> Oh to be Icarus Morningstar upon opening their door, post remembering, and seeing David Centross Mistvale. Just that whole anger and upset Icarus holds for Centross after they remember. That anger at what he did, at what he didn't do, at what he said and told them, the anger at what he *left them with* - and the anger that *he* got to talk to Enderian. He got to hear her and listen to her and know her, and Icarus didn't. He was her favorite, and *gods* how that made Icarus so very angry. And the whole idea of how that anger carries over - how Icarus so desperately wanted what Centross had, and didn't get it, and now that they remember they want to *make* it known just how angry they are. (And that whole idea and action of putting him in the prison.)

-> [Absinthe]

-> Very similar to Brutus - that just *anger* at Centross for all of this. That anger at everything he did and everything he said and everything about the endstone reset. And also that way they *don't* believe that front he's put him since the beginning of the reset - don't believe the “good guy” front he's tried to keep up since appearing this reset.

-> [The Main Character]

-> The whole idea that they can do this - do what they're doing to Centross, and *keep doing it* because there are worse people than them out there - there are so so much worse people than them out there, so they can do this, because, well, they’re better; they’re not bad bad like a lot of people. The idea that this is okay because of everything else.

-> [You're Not Welcome]

-> Just all of that angry Icarus holds for Centross bubbling over - this *is* the act of putting him in the prison. That need to make it known he's *not* welcome - the idea they try to convince both themself and him of that no one would care if he just disappeared. And, well. Welcome to the first of like four more detailed line by line analysis cause i'm a loser.

“Don't you know you're not welcome ‘round here?” Just that whole idea of Icarus being willing to lock him away because they fully believe, what to believe, want *him* to believe that he's not welcome - he's not welcome and therefore that makes their following actions “okay.”

“I think you should go ‘fore you cause some drama.” Almost that idea that he needs to leave - he shouldn't be here. That whole idea that he should leave before *they* do something. That whole idea that if he stays, regardless of if he does something, they’re going to *hurt him.*

“Don't you know I'm the one you should fear?” They *want* him to be afraid of them - want him fear them so they *finally* have that upper hand on him. (Want him to be afraid of them like they were afraid of him after they got out of the prison - want him to know that fear, want them to be able to get their revenge.)

“Talk to me if you've got a problem.” That whole idea that Icarus wants to be the one to deal with him - that whole thing of no one else dealing with Centross the way *Icarus* thinks he should be dealt with.

“I can't believe you used to truly scare me.” Because he *did* genuinely scare them - after they were uncorrupted they were genuinely and truly scared of him. However, like this, with the offer that Icarus can stab him, with the way he just lets himself get put into the prison, he's really not that scary. They can't believe he used to genuinely scare them when he's just. almost pitiful like this - in the prison.

“You were like a ghost story told to keep me weary. But I never listened, no, I slept good ‘til morning.” Arguably *he* was the one telling them the ‘ghost stories’ - the warnings he'd tell them, the arguments they'd get into. The way Icarus never heeded them, only pushing further and further until they tipped him (or themself) over the edge. The way Icarus would just sleep it off - because that's what they always did.

“And when our paths finally crossed, I didn't heed the warning.” Similar to that last line - Icarus didn't heed any warning. Icarus just kept pushing and pushing and pushing, arguing with Centross over and over and *over* again.

“Then push, push, push, push. Yeah, you pushed me to the edge.” Haley. Arguably, Centross was part of the reason Icarus killed her in the first place. That need to prove themself not only to Enderian, but also to Centross. That need to prove they weren't useless (weren't a *failure*), that they could be of use to Ominous Bane and weren't just *there* - that they could *do something.*

“I used to dread the thought of falling quickly” Something something resets something something. While they don't remember them or know about them at this point in time, just that whole idea of falling like that. Also, arguably, that whole idea of falling into an ideal and thought process - that idea they don't like to do that quickly, they don't like falling down a thought rabbit hole without thinking and considering it properly first. (Even though they do that so incredibly often.)

“But now I just wish that you'd send me off that ledge - So I can finally fucking take you with me” But also that whole idea that if it meant Centross was going down with them? if them falling down a thought rabbit hole, if them falling and doing something terrible, meant Centross would go down with them? If him pushing them to that point meant they'd go down *together* - two birds, one stone and all - and no one could be hurt by him again? Oh Icarus would gladly fall down. They'd gladly let themself if it meant they could kill or hurt or do *something* to him that meant they were going down together.

-> [Blood // Water]

-> Just that whole idea of Icarus being so very angry at Centross for all of this. That whole idea of there literally being blood in the water - he tried to kill all of them, and he *did* kill hundreds more. That whole idea that Icarus doesn't plan on letting him go *any* time soon - they want him so desperately to know just how what he did made them feel. (Also “you poisoned me just for another dollar in your pocket” that whole idea that he let Icarus dig themself into this hole, he argued and argued and *argued* and pushed and poisoned their mind with thoughts and words that *stuck.*)

-> [Lonely]

-> They hate each other, yes. However, What if they held hands about it? Maybe even kissed about it. Just like. That whole idea of of how during the season 2 prison arc they were really each other's *only* company. They were alone, but alone together. Yeah they hated each other - but they still *had* each other. That whole idea Icarus was *alone* - but they still had someone, regardless of how much they hated each other. (Also “Hey love, Have mercy on me, and keep me company” is very Centross to Icarus. Just that idea of wanting mercy, wanting Icarus to *stop* hurting him - but also still wanting that company because they were *alone.*)

-> [GONER]

-> They definitely still hate each other - like absolutely still hate each other. Like they are arguing and fighting and snapping at each other every fucking opportunity they get the longer Centross is in the prison - especially more towards the end, Centross is being just as snippy and antagonistic towards Icarus as they're being to him. That whole idea of Centross snipping at them - that idea of “at least he fights back when he's imprisoned.” However, arguably, they also probably kissed about it. They hate each other - but like, sometimes you have to acknowledge the other person is definitely a little kiss-able. (“You look so damn appetizing” like. *like.* so many of these lines imply they at the very *very* least kissed about it.)

-> [Forgive Me Chester]

-> Very end of season 2/the season 2 reset. Really that whole idea of seeing the 3 people you've spent your life chasing after all at once, all in the same room, all together. That idea of fighting the Warden, that whole idea of trying to get Fable out, that whole idea of trying to finally chase the bad away - chase the resets and the Warden and the anger and the bad and *all of it.*

-> Verse one is very much talking about Haley; Verse two is about Centross (prison duo the beloved); Verse three is about Rae, something about broters and their relationship being good for that bit at the end there.

-> [Rock in a God's Shoe]

-> Just that general demeanor of late season 2 - trying to figure out if Fable getting out would *actually* help (even if Icarus really really wants him back), and that whole idea of trying to figure out if he will actually be on their side or not. That worry after everything that happened with Perix that maybe he isn't. Also that idea of Fable not giving that much information, and them all trying their absolute *hardest* to figure out how to get him out. (Also that bit at the end is Icarus to Midas coded, especially with the glitchy voice, and in this essay I will-)

-> [Moonsickness]

-> Very much the season 2 reset. The annoyance at Fable, that annoyance and *anger* at Quixis. That very demeanor they have toward Quixis at the end - being done with them and being annoyed at them; them seeing themself as a failure because of *course* they fucked up the thing that was supposed to help them. They can't do anything right ever - they fuck up *everything* they touch. Also, hot take, Midas talking to Icarus and Fable (and almost the grove in general? but I feel like *mostly* Fable). and, well, I have thoughts about some of these lines, so take this silly more specific analysis. (Not *every* line, just some I picked. Because if i picked all the lines we’d be here forever.)

“Everybody knows this place is dying, as am I.” Something about Midas dying as the Worldport does - decaying and falling with their realm. Something about the season 2 reset showing the world *literally* dying, falling apart, crumbling and everyone *knowing* it.

“I might not get another chance.” Midas switching Haley and Fable - they *knew* they probably weren't going to get another chance to try and stop Fable like that. As well as the whole idea of the grove only having one chance to open the portal - they, Icarus especially as the one who *put* Perix's soul in the frame, fully thought this was their *only* opportunity to get Fable out. Obviously this is proven wrong in season 3 - but they didn't *know that.*

“I am such a fuckup, if you only knew that I am such a fuck up.” Something about Icarus seeing themself as a failure - a fuckup. They couldn't even get their father out correctly, why can't everyone just see how much of a failure they are? Why can't everyone see how much they ruin everything they touch? (And, arguably, Midas as well. That whole idea of them failing in their duties to bring Icarus when they were supposed to, leading to so so *so* many worlds decaying.)

“And I am the worst mistake that God has ever made.” Sort of that same idea as the last one - that idea of Icarus seeing themself as a failure. Only this time it's more related to their Dad than themself. He made them, they're *his* child - therefore, if they see themself *that* badly, they're the worst mistake he's ever made. They're a terrible fucking person and they're a *failure.*

“But I make lemons out of lemonade.” Wack wack wack wack. This line is so very about the wack. Something about changing things from one thing to another in a way that *shouldn't be possible.*

“In your guts you know it's all destroyed.” Okay, Midas to Fable. Something about Fable knowing that this world is dying - something about how Fable would *know* the outcome of doing all of this. He would know that Rae would figure it out one day, the cause of the resets, and it wouldn't go *well* - that his relationship with one or both of his sons would be destroyed. (Also, mayhaps, Midas to Icarus - that whole idea that the world is destroyed and their chance at getting Fable out (at least this time) is *also* destroyed.)

“None of us belong, Everything I do is wrong.” Something about everyone being pulled into the resets from different time periods, being shifted and tugged and placed into the present but not quite *belonging* there. Something about how Icarus tries their very hardest to be *good* - but so much of what they do ends up being wrong on so many levels. (But it's all they know.) Something about how Midas tries their very best to fix and fix and *fix* and they can't really - it almost always ends up *wrong.*

“And in your blood you know what's right.” Midas to Icarus - that whole idea that Icarus has Fable's blood running through their veins, that they believe that he is *right.* Even if in the moment they don't know him well, don't remember him well, they still subconsciously think what they're doing that mirrors Fable's own actions is *right.*

Could also be Midas to Fable? That might be a slippery slope to climb and explain though.

“And in your bones you know what's wrong.” Midas to Icarus - something about Icarus so often knowing, but not *acknowledging*, that what they're doing is wrong. Icarus *knows* it's wrong, deep in their bones, they really really do. (But rarely do they acknowledge that.)

Could *also* be Midas to Fable for similar reasons.

“And in your throat you know you're lying to kids” Midas to Fable - While they're not *literally* kids and children still, they are *his* kids - and he's lying to them. Fable is lying to his kids and he *knows* it, not that he'll acknowledge that ever.

“And you know nobody belongs in this hell.” Midas to Fable - Something about Fable *knowing* none of them belong in this hell of resets and everything; that he should probably just let life run its course, let it go as it *should* - but he doesn't. And he's dooming them to this hell none of them belong in. (And he knows they don't.)

“I am God's worst Mistake” Just. Icarus. Once again just that whole idea that they just think of themself as a *failure* - especially after the portal glitches. They can't keep doing this - at some point they're just. A mistake. (Arguably, could also be seen directed more at Quixis as well - the way Quixis made them like this with the eye and all.)

“And you seem happy on the knife's edge, but I just lick the blade.” Midas to Fable - That idea that Fable kind of hovers on the knife's edge, but never tips over it. He tows a line, about to tetter over. The way Midas will *gladly* tip over that line - lick the blade, on this case - they'll go down, tetter over that edge, but they sure as fuck won't do it quietly or unnoticeable.

“And I'm the worst mistake your God has ever made.” Arguably, Midas to Icarus. Fable is the reason they couldn't get to Icarus - Fable is the reason they're *like this.* And, *arguably,* Fable is kind of sort of Icarus’ God. Also just that whole idea that Fable is the reason for *so much* between Midas and Fable. And now Midas is *angry.* Mistake in this case isn't a bad thing - mistake in this case is more “Midas is about to make their anger *very* much Fable's problem - and it's his fault.”

“Invisible hand savior, fucking up your definitions even though it's life or death.” Midas to Fable - Fable is, in this case, the invisible hand. He saves Icarus every *single* reset - he *is* the savior, and he's fucking up definitions *every* time he does it. Even though it's life or death, even though Icarus absolutely *should* die, they should be dead, they're not. He's literally fucking up definitions everytime he rips a page out or edits or does *anything* to As It Is.

“Don't you think it matters when we wish our friends the best.” Midas to Fable - again. Something about Fable wishing Rae and Co good luck on figuring out what the resets were being caused by - when *he* was the one causing them. It *should* matter that he wished them luck, but it really doesn't considering he *knew.*

“Because of all this bullshit I'm not anything at all.” Midas in general really - something about how they're just trying to fix everything now, but they're not really a person anymore. They're alone and they're almost a god and they're *angry.*

“There's nothing to believe in and there won't be ‘till we fall” Okay this line goes *far* deeper into the finale and things than it should. This is Midas talking to Fable but for once they're not being an *asshole* - they're lumping themself in with him. Something about Fable dying at the end of Fable, and Midas passing their torch (metaphorically falling/dying), and the way it leaves room for new gods - new gods people will actually *like* and believe in and won't cause harm and and and. Something about Midas knowing that until both of them are gone, no one is going to properly believe for a *while.*

“I can't get the numbers right - I can't fucking count because not one goddamn thing is in it's place.” Midas to Icarus *or* Vice versa (Icarus to Midas). Something about the wack changing and altering so so *so* much neither of them are really them anymore. Nothing is like it should be, and it hasn't been for a while. The Worldport is decaying, soon Midas will be too. Icarus isn't themself - they haven't been in a *while.* The eye isn't theirs (not that they *know* that), all of the purple isn't theirs, some of their members *aren't theirs.* Nothing is in it's place and that's *really* fucking shit up.

“You fuckers know it's all built on lies” Midas to *both* Icarus and Fable. Just that whole idea of how Fable manipulates and abuses in the way he does; twisting words and fabricating truths, lies laid with the grounds of a truth, but built on things objectively very false. And in Icarus’ case - their entire life and personality is a lie. They act so very differently alone than they do around others, it's all a front. Everything they've built to this point, and *so much* of what they'll build as season 3 starts is built on lies and half truths. (And that whole idea that Midas is *angry* at them.)

“But the beast refuses to die, and so I guess well neither can I.” This line *arguably* also leans very heavily into finale territory - mostly with things we know after the fact though. Just that whole idea that Fable can't die, he refuses to - as long as he's immortal he *can't.* And if Fable is alive, and actively keeping Midas from Icarus - then Midas can't pass the torch, Midas can't *die.* Something about how Midas fully thought they were going to die upon passing the torch to Icarus. If Fable refuses to die, meaning they can't reach Icarus, then Midas *can't* die. (Because what happens then? The Worldport is left without an overseer and wack gets hundreds of times worse? *No* that can't happen. So they power through it to let Icarus see the end.)

[Section Five - You died. Deal with the consequences, Icarus. (Season 3)]

-> [Is There Anybody Here?]

-> The season 3 break my beloved honestly. That's this song in a very very loose nutshell. The season 3 break - both their time in the Worldport as well as their time here. Just that whole idea of trying to find Quixis - and then trying to find *something* that they know and can hold onto. That idea of looking for something, anything, anyone that can help them because they *don't know where they are.* That idea that they're trying to find their way back home, and are struggling because they don't know how.

-> [Maybe Man]

-> Very much that whole mentality Icarus has early season 3. That idea that they *don't* know how they are, not anymore. They're just kind of. Floating. Also that whole idea of trying to figure out who the fuck they even want to be in the first place. They don't really have a direction - they just want to be *something.* (Something that will please people, make them smile whenever Icarus passes by because they're doing *good.*)

-> [Chasing You]

-> That whole idea of how Icarus has spent the past *year* trying to bring Haley back, trying to figure out how to see her and fix their mistake - and that whole idea that now that she's back, now that Midas brought her back, Icarus doesn't know what to do. Icarus doesn't know how to act around her, what they can and cannot and should and should not say/voice, what is too far over a line and what isn't. They're really just left floating not knowing what in the *world* they should do about it.

-> [The Garden]

-> The whole idea of Icarus getting so done with and so incredibly over Quixis and the wack and the changes and *us.* The whole idea of wanting to dig them up and out and remove them completely, no matter the consequence, no matter where it would get them in the end. The whole idea of how Midas knows their name - and we have to figure it out - and the way they don’t, and the way, more often than not, we as chat snark at them and are very passive aggressive sometimes, rather than being helpful - and how they don’t like that.

-> [New Eyes]

-> Two samples Two samples Two samples. Just, Icarus about the eyes in general. The finding put that the purple eye's blood *isn't theirs*, and the following realization that if the blood isn't theirs, then the eye itself isn't theirs either. That want and that need for people - Midas - to stop changing them, to give them *their* eye back - so they can see with new ones; so they can see with the eyes that were always *supposed* to be theirs. (Also just the general idea of needing to see things through a new lens, see things better, because they're suffering and hurting and *no one* seems to see it, and how one day that fact might kill them. (And well, it does, doesn't it?))

-> Sage and their ability to be so normal got this one on the playlist. We win these.

-> [The Tornado]

-> So very Unlocked - this *is* the Unlocked song. That whole idea of them being used to the wack, being almost surprised as it just *kept getting worse*, *the wings,* the running to the bunker and the *yelling* at Midas, Fable finding them, and - arguably - the aftermath of the wings and those few streams following Unlocked where they were just trying to heal and fix and *clean* up the path they had made. (Okay yes Quixis ascension, yes, but we’re not at that part in the playlist yet - so.) And, well. Some more detailed line analysis because I’m a loser.

“It was just startin' to drizzle as I walked out the door, But I've delivered papers in the rain like that before.” Just that whole idea that the wack being weird - being worse, changing their house more than normal, changing *them* and their clothes more than normal - was okay, in their mind. What’s the worst that can happen? It’s done this before, and everything was fine for both them and others - why worry about it this time?

“3:30 in the morning, I was happy as a lark.” That idea that Icarus was so very happy to get Fable out. They were so happy and excited, because this was what they had been working to for months and years and *resets* and they had finally been able to do it. They might’ve been a little worried, but they were mostly *happy.*

“The wind was pickin' up and howlin' louder all the time.” The redstone beginning as they were all standing in front of the now open portal - the way they weren’t expecting it, the way it just kept picking up and getting *worse* no matter what they did to stop it.

“The sky churned like a cauldron and the distant thunder roared, And I knew that I was in for quite a storm.” The redstone picking up, but also the fact Fable hadn’t come out yet - and they had been waiting and waiting for the others to get him for *minutes* now and it was beginning to worry everyone outside of the portal; that idea that they *knew* something might be up - with Fable or the wack.

“A little rain never hurt no one, so I kept pressin' on.” Up to this point, the wack hadn’t hurt *anyone* - well, with the exception of Icarus themself. Sure it had hurt and changed and wacked animals and blocks and all that - but never Icarus’ friends and family. It hurt them time and time again - but they were fine after all of it (for the most part - with the exception of the many breakdowns and *the eye*), why should they worry about others getting hurt? It had never *severely* hurt them like that; so they kept going and standing there and letting it get worse upon that assumption that it *wouldn’t do that.*

“And I tried to tell myself it's always darkest before the dawn.” Just that way they were so desperately trying to convince themself that it was all okay - that the group in Purgatory *will* bring Fable out and it’ll be okay. The wack will be fine and it’ll stop and it’s just a small little bad thing before they get Fable back - that desperate way they try to convince themself it’ll be okay.

“Lightning struck an oak tree as I leapt off my bike.” The way the redstone, the *bad* just keeps getting worse and worse as time goes on. Regardless of what they do it gets worse and they can’t seem to *stop it.*

“The sirens started wailing, but there was no good place to hide.” That whole idea that Icarus really, really, *really* wanted to run - they wanted their dad and they wanted the wack to *stop* because it just kept getting worse and they really, really wanted to just run. But they knew they column’t because running would make things so so much worse - so they don’t run, they just stand there and let it keep getting *worse.*

“I knew without a doubt there was a twister touchin' down.” That idea that they *knew* it was only going to get worse and worse the longer they stood there, without a doubt, but there wasn’t anything they could *do about it* - they just had to power through whatever happens, like they always do.

“The little bit of courage I had left was almost gone.” Something about how at the beginning of Unlocked they were mostly okay - that had *some* bits of courage - but the longer no one came out of the portal and the longer all the redstone did was get bigger, and the longer they just *stood there* the more that courage just. faded.

“And then the nightmare started, it got deafeningly loud.” Momboo. The redstone getting bigger and the wack *hurting her* (hurting someone other than Icarus, for once) and the way they almost *immediately* panicked and ran (or, at least tried to) off. And then like the following moments of running and running and trying to fly and then their wings *shattering.*

“Every fiber in me screamed out, but I couldn't make a sound.” Something about how they screamed as their wings broke, but about how their panic after the fact was so very quiet. They weren't screaming - they were just hurt and in pain and weren't going well but were trying so desperately to keep it under wraps. They refused to let themself break at *any* point during the run to the bunker, refused to let themself fall apart like that. They wouldn't - they *couldn't.*

“It sounded like a freight train was draggin' me to hell.” Something about the particular way the the wings sounded when they shattered - so *loud* and overwhelming as they crystalized and as Icarus *fell.* Even louder as they shattered against their own weight and Icarus’ back. They dragged Icarus *down.* (Metaphorically dragging Icarus to hell, I suppose.)

“And this was my prayer, "Save me from this terrible nightmare"” *Icarus yelling at Midas.* This line is os Icarus yelling at Midas, both on their way and inside of the bunker. They just wanted Quixis to *stop*, to know why they just kept *doing all of this* to Icarus and their friends. -They just wanted Quixis to stop, and they just wanted someone to be there for them and save them because *gods* they hurt so very badly.

“That was when I saw my family with my eyes shut real tight.” Fable showing up at the bottom of the bunker - they literally see their family. Also something about how they just wanted this to stop - their eyes shut and the denial of the past delays creeping back up on them.

“Would they know how much I loved them if this was how I died?” *Would they?* How many times does Icarus tell their family they love them? (How many times do people tell *them* that?) Would their family know just how much Icarus loved and cared about them if Icarus died - if they died like *this* with no one around?

“No, I vowed I'd not be murdered by a monster in the sky that night.” If you think about it - this injury could’ve killed them. It didn’t - and they definitely didn't want them to - but it *could’ve.* But they wanted to so desperately survive and live and *not* let Midas’ actions get the better of them - they vowed it wouldn’t happen.

“But if I went home to heaven, at least that's where I'd belong.” Midas’ would’ve pulled them before they died (just like they did in the finale) if the injury *did* kill them - they would’ve been where they belong because they were meant to become Quixis *decades* ago; that, the worldport, Quixis, was supposed to be their home for years yet it *wasn’t* - it's where they belong but, at this moment, they’re not there.

“There was nothin' but destruction and wreckage in that town.” The mess the path and wack made; the redstone in front of the portal; *the tree.* (Their wings.) It was all a mess and destroyed and, for at least some of that - there was no fixing it. It was just destroyed and they just had to deal with that.

“And that was how I learned to live when you can run, but you can't hide.” They could run from hurting Momboo, and they could run from the wack, and they could run from their wings breaking - but they can’t *hide from it.* They have to deal with the consequences of their actions, they can’t hide from it. They have to see the tree - see their mistakes, see their bad - nearly everyday. They can run from it, sure, but they can’t *hide.*

“How to feel trapped in a tunnel but come out the other side.” They’re trapped and grounded and alone (somewhat - Fable is doing his whole “isolate his kid so they lose attachments” thing) but they come out of it, eventually. They get their wings back, they can fly again - they may have felt trapped for a time but they *made it out.*

“'Cause with all the stormy weather in the world, you learn to take life one storm at a time.” Pulling out the character analysis card - Icarus gets very focused on *one* (big) thing very easily. Their wings, they wanted to fix those - spent weeks trying to get better; Enderian talking to Rae - they were so incredibly stuck on that until they made up; And, the more obvious one from season 3 - Centross. It was a 5 month long storm - but it’s all they focused on. They take their life, especially during season 3, one big problem and thing at a time - focus on *it* and nothing else. (Because focusing on other things means acknowledging just how much you’re hurting, and they can’t do that.) And I mean, it gets Icarus through. They make it to the end going like that. It’s not healthy - but they *make it.*

“I keep hangin' on.” No matter what happens, no matter how close to death they get and no matter how much death would probably be kinder at a point, Icarus is still there. They keep hanging on - keep living and keep just, going through the motions.

-> [Birds]

-> Just that whole idea of how after Unlocked (and arguably also *during* Unlocked) Icarus just wanted to *relax.* They were done and hurting and upset and they just really, really wanted to sit, alone, with the flock. They just want to be calm and relax and not have to think about any of what just happened.

-> [Look Who's Inside Again]

-> Unlocked. Probably Midas to Icarus? Or just someone outside looking in at Icarus in the moment after their wings break. This song specifically being more about Icarus’ desperation to get to their bunker - and their feelings while inside of it. How this is just like the prison - putting themself into a box, a prison, a *room*, to keep people safe. To keep them from hurting people. They're back here again - trapped in a box with no way of getting out until someone comes to get them, yelling at the person who (for all intents and purposes) put them there. They're back here again, *inside* again.

-> The whole idea of Fable, after he gets out, beginning to isolate and cage Icarus - with the guise of keeping them safe. He’s removing them from their friends and family and leaving *him* as the only person Icarus can safely - at least in their mind - rely on.

-> I have further words about Fable and Icarus in regards to this song, and that’s really tying into the “again” aspect of this. Viewing this through the lens that this is Fable isolating Icarus, and the visions of a child shown throughout this song, then it’s not terribly hard to come to the idea that this probably isn’t the first time Fable did this - isolate and cage and manipulate - Icarus. That whole idea that his manipulation and abuse has been going on for much longer than we see on screen - this isn’t a new thing. He did this before and he’s doing it again and Icarus just has to deal with that. (Even if they don’t *know* he did this when they were a child. They don’t remember any of that aspect of themself.)

-> [Let Me Make You Proud]

-> That whole idea that yes, Icarus has failed and made mistakes and disappointed Fable - probably time and time and *time* again - but that they really, really, *really* want to make it up to him. They want to make him proud because they feel so much like a failure after everything that keeps happening - they want to make all their mistakes and missteps up to him. They want to make it up to him and they keep trying and trying and *trying* to do that. (And, arguably, failing at it rather often.)

-> [the fruits]

-> The whole idea of how Icarus wants so desperately to help Fable and all he’s doing, but the idea of how Fable can’t see that they’re not entirely them - can’t see just how much they can keep falling and repeating history and just how badly they’re doing. The whole idea that they can’t help him - they can be the person he wants them to be and the person he’s trying to make them into because they’re not entirely themself in the whole sense of them; they can’t be that if they’re not entirely themself - they can’t help him like he wants them to, and how they spiral because of that.

-> [Loser Baby]

-> Centross and Icarus. Kind of to each other. This song is. So *incredibly* drinking stream coded. Just. That realization of just how similar the two of them are, just how much they have in common, just how much they're both going through the same shitty situation. That realization that they can *rely* on eachother. The realization of how they're so so *incredibly* similar - especially in regards to Enderian and Fable - and how they're both losers, they're both having a bad bad time, but they can do it together. (Which, arguably, they’ve known for a while - but it becomes a lot clearer in the drinking stream; especially with Icarus calling Centross their best friend.)

-> [Down the River]

-> *Breaking Bonds* - This song is very Athena to Icarus. The whole idea that Icarus likes to run and hide and leave the past and everything they’ve done behind and not acknowledge it whatsoever - How they can’t do that; How even if Icarus wants to forget and leave and run, others aren’t going to do that for them - Others are still going to remember all of this and all they’ve done, and what happens to them, the grove, once Icarus leaves and decides to ignore it. What happens then? What happens to all those people you’ve hurt?

-> [Hero]

-> Centross’ death. That way Icarus just spends that immediate moment after him fading just trying to convince themself it's *okay.* They're okay and he's okay and he'll be *back* and it's okay. Them just trying to convince themself it's alright and trying so so desperately to comfort themself in this hell. Arguably, also almost their anger at Fable for killing their best friend - that immediate sharp anger and bared teeth (“I'm the hero of the story, don't need to be saved.” Just that whole idea that Centross saved them - but he shouldn't have had to. They were the *hero* of this story, no one should have to save them - and no one should have to *die* doing that if they even tried. Icarus’ whole thing is trying to save themself, figure out ways they can fix it *themself.* No one should have to die because Icarus couldn’t do that. They’re a prince, they’re supposed to be alone. People shouldn’t have to die because they weren’t.)

-> [Can't Catch Me Now]

-> Centross almost like. Taunting Fable and trying to comfort Icarus. How he's always going to be there for Icarus, he's always watching over them, even if he can't tell them and show them that physically, he is *there.* But also almost taunting Fable in regards to the fact that Fable can't catch him now; Fable will not find him no matter what he tries and attempts, he will see Centross everywhere, be reminded of him just like Icarus is, and he *will not* find him - and won't be able to bring him back.

-> [Do What You Gotta Do]

-> This that short bit after Fable kills Centross where Icarus just *yells* at Fable. That snark, that anger that Fable *did that* - and Fable's argument that he “did what he had to”, and that was *necessary*; Fable did this (killed Centross) because he had too, Icarus should hear him out. Just that whole conversation between Icarus and Fable after he kills Centross, and that whole falling out between the two of them, and that whole slow manipulation from Fable's end as the conversation continued. (Also Fable's whole “being a god” thing-)

-> [The Cave]

-> Centross to Icarus after the cathedral. How he *will* be there for them, no matter what, but also how he has other duties to attend to - but also also how he can't stick around due to the fact that Fable is currently killing every God in his sight, taking every power for himself. How Centross *wants* Icarus to know he's there for them, but also how he can't physically be there. He'll try his *hardest* to keep them alive - try his hardest to keep them going until the end.

-> [Paid in Exposure]

-> Very much Coworkers - just that whole idea of doing only what they're told and becoming, a, a coworker, and b, one of the bad guys - or the people on the stereotypically “bad” side.

-> [Natural]

-> *Also* Coworkers. That whole idea that for them to be on this side of this war they have to be assholes - they have to be cold and sharp and not care, and the whole idea that they're *good at it.* The idea that all three of them are good at that - they're almost naturals at it. They don't have to practice because they can settle into that role far, far too easily. (Also “Rather be the hunter than the prey” is incredibly Coworkers - because they all know that Fable is hunting gods and hunting people down, and they'd rather be beside him as he does that than cowering beneath his sword.)

-> [Burning Pile]

-> Just like the whole idea of wanting to put all your problems in a big pile and just light them up and on fire - kill them, get rid of them, ignore them. That whole idea of wanting to get rid of all your current problems, all the shitty stuff you’ve gone through, get rid of it all and never properly look back - you’ve burnt it, it’s gone, you don’t have to think about it anymore. (Or, that’s the dream at least. Not really what ends up happening in the end.)

-> [Can't Go Back]

-> Just that whole idea that Icarus should forgive themself - how most of this isn't really *their* fault, and how they should be learning to forgive themself for that - not blame themself for stuff that isn't their fault. (Also the whole idea that none of this is *fair* - it's not fair to them and nor fair for Fable and not fair to *anyone* in the grove.)

-> This definitely feels like Violet trying his absolute hardest to comfort Icarus the best he can even though he can’t physically be there with them in the moment (and he won’t be able to be for a while. (And even when he was able to be there for him, at the end, it wasn’t for very long.)

-> [Try To Change]

-> How Icarus just keeps trying to change, change and change and change, they're trying so incredibly hard, and it just keeps failing. The whole idea that they can’t find it in themself to change - there's safety in it, they’ve always been like this, why wouldn’t they just keep going and being like this. Why would they try - there is *no* point to it. They’re safe like this, Dad likes them like this, why would they change into something he wouldn’t?

-> [Let Us All Down]

-> Just that whole idea of how the Grove feels about Icarus working with Fable. Arguably, they all thought Icarus could be good - they gave Icarus so so *so* many chances, they didn't think that they'd go this route. They didn't think they'd be involved in Centross’ death like this and this didn't think and and and. (Also, arguably, Icarus spiraling. Just *thinking* about what people would say, what people would think, what they would *feel*, how they would react.)

-> Arguably kinda sorta maybe Two Shall Break/Two Shall Mourn for the priorly explained reasons.

-> [Lima Bean Man]

-> Icarus about Momboo. Icarus so *desperately* wants Momboo to not be dead, so desperately wants to be able to bring her back. Not necessarily telling themself she *isn't* dead, but that she *can't* be - because that means they killed another person, that means they did it *again.*

-> [Shots]

-> Icarus to. Everyone basically. They're so so *sorry* - they're breaking down crying near everyday by this point, and they just keep *killing people.* (“why do I kill everything that I love?”) and they're so so *sorry.* But also that they need everyone to know they're *in too deep* - People aren't going to be able to save them now, not through normal means. It's not going to happen - they need to let Icarus drift away because if they *don't*? More people will only get hurt.

-> While I won’t elaborate on this statement, as it speaks for itself, your friendly reminder that Icarus did not truly hate their father when they killed him - Icarus still held some sort of semblance of love for him, even at the end, even after everything, even as they stabbed that trident into his chest as he revealed he was never going to bring Centross back.

-> [Prodigal]

-> That whole idea that where Icarus is right now is all their own fault. They caused it, it's their fault, and there's nothing they can really do about it. They're alone, they've dug themself a hole and fallen down it (because that's all they do, really) and they can't get out - and it's their fault. It's all their fault - it always *is* their fault.

-> [Solitary Confinement]

-> They're alone! After Momboo, and after their conversation with Athena, they're *alone* - Confined. And they're. Okay with it, almost. They wanted to push people away, wanted to be alone, because it makes all of this so so much easier. But they *really* wish they didn't have to do it. Didn't have to push people away like that, didn't *have* to do this to everyone and themself. They do it, yes, because in the end it will benefit them to do so, but they really really don't like doing it - they're spiraling. (And really, they have been for months.)

-> a “devious read” by yours truly according to the sherbertquake56

-> [No Longer You]

-> Okay. Now. What I'm about to say *might* sound like. horribly wrong because everyone kind of looks at this and goes “oh the prophet is Haley” and to that I say. Nope. No, the prophet is Midas. This song is *Midas* talking to Icarus about their future - regardless of how this goes. Because Midas would know what would happen after they “Draw their final breath” so to speak - Midas would know. Haley wouldn't. Also, because I'm a little loser, and the fact this song *really* lends itself to this, line by line analysis.

“I see a song of past romance” Perhaps talking about Momboo? This line could be very ambiguous. Cause you could also argue Wet Birds, but I'm not sure that really *fits.* (If you wanted to go the Prison Duo route, you probably could as well.)

“I see the sacrifice of man.” This line being about Centross - Sacrificing himself to save both Icarus, as well as the rest of his family.

“I see portrayals of betrayal,” This line being about Jamie - Betraying the family they *had* for the family they *want.*

“And a brother's final stand.” This is. Just the ‘A Brother's Final Stand’ stream. Rae trying so so *so* hard to save his brother, and failing because they *just* don't *want* (don't think they need, don't think they deserve) help.

“I see you on the brink of death.” Icarus after they kill Fable. Or, really, Icarus throughout the last week-ish; throughout that they're on the brink of death, they're *dying.* (They have been for almost 5 months - but after he dies Icarus is left so much worse off because Fable isn’t around and alive to keep Quixis’ powers at bay.)

“I see you draw your final breath.” Them *jumping* - Them thinking they were going to die. Them being fully fully accepting of it.

“I see a man who gets to make it home alive.” Midas pulling Icarus into the Worldport, *alive* - telling them that they'll be able to go back home eventually.

“But it's no longer you…” But the person Icarus would become after all that time in the Worldport, after leaving it, would be starkly different to the person that entered it - that it wouldn't really be Icarus anymore. It'd be Icarus, of course, but they'd know and have been changed that they wouldn't be the Icarus they *were.*

Just. It really encompasses those last few months of Icarus’ life before becoming Quixis - those last few months of pain and desperation and *bad.*

-> [Monster]

-> The whole idea of how Icarus *will* be the monster if they have to. They'll kill and slaughter and murder and *be* the monster if it means they'll all make to end - if it means they'll get to bring everyone back, *fix* everything.

-> [No Children]

-> This is very much Icarus’ mentality at the end - about Fable and about Rae and about *everyone.* That idea that they don't want to be saved anymore, not like this. That idea that if they have to go down - they're going to take Fable with them. That idea that they just want Rae and *everyone* to give up on them - and, arguably, that idea that if *they* die, they want Fable to come down with them. Uh. Well here's another set of far more detailed line analysis <3 Not the last one either <3

“I hope that our few remaining friends give up on trying to save us.” That whole idea that Icarus doesn’t want to be saved - not like this. They don’t want to and they don't think they’re deserving of it - they fully hope that Rae gives up on trying to save them.

“I hope we come up with a fail-safe plot to piss off the dumb few that forgave us.” While they didn’t *know* it’d be fail-safe, Jamie. Because by this point there were *very* few people still trying to save and help them - and really, to their knowledge, it was *just* Rae - and to them? To those people *that* was the tipping point. For that last week they were left completely alone because they had *finally* pissed off the people trying to save them.

“I hope the fences we mended fall down beneath their own weight.” Very similarly to that previous line, during Family Reunion - arguably - Rae and Icarus had *kind of* mended their relationship. Icarus didn’t like that - Icarus really hoped that he’d just let it go. They really hoped that the weight of everything would mean their relationship, whatever Rae thought was left of it - at least, would just crumble. That Icarus wouldn’t have to hold on to him and their family anymore because holding onto it means there is *complications* and attachments and they really can't have that - not now.

“And I hope we hang on past the last exit. I hope it's already too late.” That whole idea that Icarus was in too deep - Icarus was going to hold on and stay attached to Fable until the very, very, *very* end. That whole idea that Icarus very much thought, very much hoped, that they were too far gone and it was far, *far* too late to turn back now. (Also that whole idea that

“In my life, I hope I lie. And tell everyone you were a good wife.” Okay, a, that whole idea that Icarus lies about *nearly* everything - they lie about so, so, *so* much that it’s really all they do and hope to do. B, that idea that they so desperately want to see their father as a good person - so desperately want *everyone else* to think he’s a good person; to the point that they *will* lie about it, they hope to, they hope they get the opportunity to lie about it.

“And I hope you die. I hope we both die.” *If he dies they don’t have to do this anymore.* Just that whole idea that if he dies they do not, really and truly, have to continue to do any of this. They can fully and completely leave it behind and *gods* how they really, really want to do that. Also, arguably, that whole idea that they don’t think they’re worth saving, and that whole idea that they think they fuck everything up and ruin it regardless of how much they’re trying. If they both die between now and the end, then when this is all over no one will have to get hurt anymore - their family will be *safe* and sound and they won’t have to stress about themself *or* their family *or* what their father is doing.

“I hope I cut myself shaving tomorrow. I hope it bleeds all day long.” That idea that icarus thinks they’re deserving of all the hurt and pain and sorrow sent their way. All this pain and suffering and the way it’s constant - they fully, *fully* think they’re deserving of it; they fully hope it keeps happening solely to prove that point. (This is not the time or place to go on a rant - but I would like to bring up how, after Centross dies, whenever Icarus gets really injured - unless it's dire dire - they refuse to use potions on themself. And even when it *is* dire they’re almost hesitant about it.)

“Our friends say it's darkest before the sun rises; we're pretty sure they're all wrong.” Rae thinking he can save Icarus, save them despite everything they’ve done and despite all they’ve been through - and Icarus thinking, *knowing*, he can’t. Regardless of what he says, Icarus knows they’re in too deep and knows that means Rae can’t save them or get through to them very easily.

“I hope the worst isn't over.” Ties back to the line before last - that idea that Icarus thinks they deserve all the pain and suffering they’re going through. It’s their fault, they deserve it, maybe they don’t really like it very much by they do understand where its coming from and they can agree with it because deep down they *know* what they’re doing is so very very wrong.

“I am drowning. There is no sign of land.” They’re falling and falling deeper into this little pit they’ve dug themself and they can’t find a hand hold to even start trying to climb themself out. They are lost and *alone* with no one there to help and they *know it.*

“You are coming down with me, hand in unlovable hand.” That idea that if Icarus goes down - they’ll take, to try to take, Fable with them. That idea that both themself and Fable are seemingly unlovable - at least in Icarus’ eyes - and the two of them would go down hand in hand; it’ll be one of their faults and they’d drag the other down with them (Also, arguably, Icarus and Midas as well - if Icarus goes down they want to drag Midas down with them; if Midas goes down they’ll inevitably *have* to drag Icarus down with them. The two of them are so intertwined that if one goes down they’ll drag the other whether they want to or not.)

-> [Mr. Author]

-> How Icarus really just wants this to all *stop* and finish up - how it's been going on for so long and they don't know how much longer they can keep going like this. How they want to talk to the person who wrote their story like this - talk to the person that keeps *letting them do this*, want to talk to the author ruining their life.

-> [Icarus]

-> Something about Fable realizing, however small, that his actions are hurting Icarus. How Icarus is hurting and dying, and how he can't *fix it* - he's not going to be able to fix it, fix *them*, make them what he wants them to be. He can't save them in the way he wants to - they're *going* to die and gods he won't be able to stop it. Specifically right at the end, Fable's death by his own son's hands.

-> [The Bad Guy]

-> That whole idea that all Icarus wanted to do, really and truly, was *fix* everything - but that's not how it went. They went to bad places to fix things, they became the bad guy. They didn't want to be, of course - not again, not after last time - but that's what *happened.* They became the bad guy, and they're finally finally realizing it. (Only, it's really too late, because they're dying now.)

-> [In My Blood]

-> Just that whole idea that this is how Icarus is always going to be, how this is how Icarus is and there's no changing it - how it's in their blood to do this, to *be like* this - how there's no stopping it, no turning back.

-> [Daniel In The Den]

-> Really just that whole idea of Icarus killing Fable, and the following way they attempt to move on. That way Fable was killed by “the ones you think you love” - Icarus, yes, but really everyone contributed. (And, arguably, almost that bit of anger Icarus harbors toward Fable at the end - that idea he wasn't ever going to fix this; that all this pain and suffering was for *nothing.*)

[Section Six - They're. Kind of God now. Question mark. Maybe. I dunno, Icarixis is. Yeah. They're a guy. That's for sure.]

-> [Ruin]

-> They have a conversation. This is simply Midas and Icarus having a back and forth conversation about mistakes and Quixis and *all of it.* It’s very hard to summarize - so uh. Hi line by line analysis, welcome back-

(ICARUS)

“I will bring you ruin in everything I do.” Something about how no matter what Icraus does and no matter how hard they try - they ruin things. Their family, their house, their friends house, their *life.* They bring the people in their life - including Midas, and including themself - ruin and pain no matter what they do.

“It’s never my intention, but it happens all the same.” Icarus rarely means to hurt their family and friends like that - it’s rarely their intention but it *happens.* They can’t stop it happening, be it because of the wack or because they’re trying to *fix something* or or or. They never mean to hurt people - they don’t *like* hurting people - but it just keeps happening and happening and *happening.*

“It starts with love and comfort, becomes a strength of will.” Arguably, talking about their time in the three resets they remember. It started good and okay and alright and it just slowly became their goal to just *survive* - it became a strength of will to just keep going after every little thing that just kept *happening;* After all the death and harm and suffering they’d experience they had to fight to keep going.

“But all that strength made rubble of the towers we built.” Icarus keeping going like they did broke *so much.* The Worldport, Midas, Themself, *The overworld.* It all fell apart, was all unstable, because of *them* - all of that kept falling apart into rubble because of *them.* (And, arguably, also partially because of Midas.)

“Cause brick by brick, you built us and I’d fill in the cracks.” Midas helped build this world, this *life* for Icarus. They built it brick by brick - keeping Icarus from being Quixis so young gave them *this* - a family, a life, safety. Midas built it, and Icarus made it *theirs.*

“Nothing quite prepares you for when they don’t come back.” Icarus wasn't prepared for when Centross didn't come back - when it wasn't just a fluke. They weren't prepared for being *alone* and by themself for that long and they weren't prepared for him just being. Dead.

“I wish I’d done things different, I wish that I’d been brave.” Something about wishing they'd home about getting Centross back differently - not killing people, not doing any of that. Something about wanting to be braver - be braver to leave Him and side with their brother and the rest of their family and not side with the person who killed Centross and who killed so many people. Something about *wanting that.*

“I wish I’d known these stones were something I could save.” Arguably, something about wishing to have known that they could have saved Midas so much earlier - could've taken up their role *months* (*years*) ago and saved Midas so much pain and bad and suffering.

(MIDAS)

“Our mortar was your laughter.” Something about the funnier aspects of Midas changing things - it kept them together. At least for a little bit. It kept everything okay and alright - the silly-ness of it all. (Obviously that didn’t stick very long.)

“And you hurled curses at the land.” Icarus yelling and ranting and being so *angry* at Midas. That anger that Icarus just let boil simmering over whenever something bad or upsetting or just *annoying* happened.

“We didn’t talk, we made universes - out of bitten lips and broken hands.” Something about how Icarus and MIdas never talked talked - sure they had the book and their comms but they never really properly *talked.* Something about how despite that, they built things through their pain and hurt. They built friendships and lives and all of that - even without talking.

“You said, “I love you less than when it all began.”” When it first started Icraus didn’t think anything of it - wanted to know what was up with it but also wasn’t really *worried.* Icarus, at the beginning, almost thought it slightly funny. They didn’t really care what it did. But as time went on and as Midas lost more and more control and as the wack got worse and worse and as it broke more and more - the less and less Icarus liked it. It lost its novelty once it started hurting people.

“And I said fewer cause I make jokes to show how broken I really am.” Something about Midas communicating very *directly* with the wack and their comm and things as the end came closer and closer - they stopped with the messing around and the jokes and the silly changes they used to do, and they just became serious calls for help on both ends. (And beyond the direct communication - the *interfering* with things that could get Icraus hurt or killed.) Gone are the jokes and the small silly laughable changes, replaced with calls for help and calls for *something* because Midas was dying and so was the Worldport. And something about how the direct communication was a lot more spread apart in comparison to Midas’ jokes.

“And in the wreck of all we burnt, stands our piano like a wound.” Something about how in the wreck of everything Midas has done, and everything Icarus has done - The two of them still stand tall, *alive.* And something about how so does the Worldport - despite all the decay and all the things it's been through, it's still alive and it's still going and it's still holding all the worlds and it's slowly getting fixed and and and.

“I’ll play our song to see if it’s in tune.” Arguably, something about letting Icarus see to the end of their story. Letting the song play rather than stopping it far far too early - letting Icarus live and learn and seeing if they’ll make the correct choice; seeing if the song is in tune.

“And I promise to be patient.” Something about how Midas kept *going* - no matter what happened and no matter how much it seemed like Icarus was too far gone and no matter how much it seemed like Icarus wasn’t going to make the right choice, Midas persisted. They were so patient with them - waiting and waiting and *waiting* until Icarus *did it.*

“And you promise to be kind.” Something something Icarus never really wanted to hurt their family - they just wanted their best friend back something something Midas telling them that they’ll be - *knowing they will be* - a good Quixis something something to be Quixis you need to be kind and considerate and things like that something something

“”We can rest,” you say, “in the pieces of what’s left or what we’ve found.”” Guys we don’t know where Midas is, but we do know they’re *somewhere.* Something about Icarus taking up the mantle of Quixis means Midas *finally* gets a break. Midas finally gets to rest and relax after so long of not being able to and having to constantly be doing something wand watching someone - Midas can just *rest.* (Wherever that may be, we have yet to find out.)

“I wish I’d done things different, oh, I wish I’d made it right” Something about how even if Midas doesn’t regret what they did - doesn’t regret leaving Icarus to live their life, doesn’t regret keeping them from being Quixis - part of them probably wishes they had done it differently. Something about wishing so many people didn’t have to die, or their worlds decay, or or or. Something about wishing they had made it right earlier - so they didn’t have to go through nearly as much pain. (So they didn’t have to go through feeling their body decay and *rot* from the inside out.) Something about wishing that, but not regretting - not truly - how you did it in the first place.

“But we’ll burn a hundred theaters, If it means we get the wallpaper right” Something about how Midas would let the Worldport fall apart, let worlds die, let *themself* die, if it meant Icarus got to see the end of their story - if it meant Icarus got to live the whole of their life that had been written out. They’d let it all die, let so much decay and fall apart until it was even decaying *them,* if it meant Icarus didn’t have to Quixis so young (they were younger than midas), if it meant Icarus got to say goodbye.

“Nothing quite prepared me for when that piano sang again.” While we don’t know exactly what Midas has been up to fo the past 2 months since the finale - I feel like finally getting a break and *centuries* and finally passing on your title and finally being *yourself* (or, mostly yourself) again wouldn’t be something you'd prepare yourself for in years of being alone - something about not being prepared to be able to rest and be yourself again after so long of *not* being able to do those things.

“Tomorrow I’ll do things different.” Maybe a bit more Icarus than it is Midas (Mostly because there’s not much more different Midas can do, not now, not after so much time has passed) - something about knowing what happens when you wait to bring a Quixis and something about vowing to *not* do that and put all of the Sherbs through that for a second time. Something about vowing to be different than the person you look so much alike. (Something about vowing to be different than Fable.)

“Tomorrow I’ll be brave.” This one is Midas - something about finally being brave enough to pass on the title of Quixis to Icarus, finally being able to let it go - give it up. (Even if it was just the end of Icarus’ story - even if it was the only logical time to pull them and pass it on - it was still brave. They had waited *so long.*)

-> [Icarus & Apollo]

-> Something about Midas living vicariously through Icarus. Something about Icarus showing Midas *so much* about life and their world and everything. Something about in turn Midas showing Icarus how to be Quixis, how to do this job *correctly* and not fuck it up like they did. Just that whole idea of ascension.

-> [505]

-> I guess Midas after Icarus ascends. That idea of going back home and not really knowing what awaits you. You have an idea, a concept of what might, and you're fully *prepared* for it. That idea of them *knowing* they have to leave after Icarus takes their place - or something like that.

-> [Show Yourself]

-> Icarus to Midas - How they just want to know what in the *world* Midas wants with them, and wants to do with them. Why Midas is following them, why they're changing the stuff they are, the decay, the eye - just wanting to *know*, but also very promptly ignoring Midas more often than not.

-> [Who You Are]

-> They're supposed to be Quixis!!! This is exactly who and where they're supposed to be!! This song really feels very Midas talking to Icarus - Telling them all of this as encouragement that they're going to do good, and that this is exactly where they're supposed to be, regardless.

-> [The Last Goodbye]

-> Saving the multiverse with another version of you. This is very Midas and Icarus coded - How Midas was willing to go down hand in hand with Icarus if it meant the multiverse surviving; also how Icarus was completely willing to take up the mantle of Quixis, even if it meant the people back home couldn't remember them.

-> Something about how they both think they're gonna die, Icarus and Midas - something about it.

-> [still feel.]

-> Dying over and over again, being reset over and over and *over* again, and yet. They still feel alive. Fable pulled them from the grave more times than they can count, and they still feel *alive* despite all that's happened.

-> Quixis is where they're supposed to be, Despite *jumping* they're still here, and they're still alive, and they're still *living.*

-> [Back To Black]

-> Oh so very wet birds. Something about them genuinely only saying goodbye with words - they didn't hug, didn't touch, no. Only words. Something about Ven going back to when he got pulled out, going back to Fable and all of the consequences that come with it. That whole idea Icarus isn't going to go back like that - they're going to go back to the present day and they're *going* to remember him.

-> [Spring and a Storm]

-> This one feels just very general epilogue/post finale times to me. Just everyone off doing their own thing, having fun and being happy. Reminiscing about the past *sure*, but having fun and being good all the same. (If you wanna look at it through an Icarus *specific* lens, for some added angst - Icarus watching their family and friends grow and be happy and gain things they couldn't gain before, while they're in the Worldport. Watching their family grow and get to be truly truly happy while they work on cleaning up Midas’ unintentional mess.)

-> [Ghost Song]

-> Just the whole idea of how after becoming Quixis, Icarus isn't reality seen or *known* anymore - And how they so desperately want to be. How they so desperately want to be seen and known and lived, but they can't - not for a while. How at this point they're just a ghost - changing and lurking, an entity everyone knows the name of, but not knows properly. Also almost that whole idea that they spend so much of their time watching over the Grove while their in the Worldport; changing and altering the small things so people, even if they won’t know until Icarus comes back, know they’re *there.*

-> [Introduction to the Snow]

-> Just that whole idea of now that Icarus is Quixis, they're alone. The Worldport is *empty* - no one is physically there with them, they're alone. They can't talk to anyone, no matter how much they so desperately want to. Also how this is *exactly* where they're meant to be.

-> [Today Today]

-> Just very ‘end of season 3’ coded - how upset Icarus, how much they were just *crying*, and they couldn't seem to stop regardless of how hard they tried. Also that whole idea of time going so so much slower in the Worldport, how ‘today' to Icarus must feel so so much different now. Also just that whole idea of being stuck between places, having everything to do because of everything up with the Worldport. That whole idea of so much happening in all the worlds they’re watching - there's so much to see and watch and understand and and and.

[Section Seven - Group songs, but an asterisk is attached to the first 4 because I write those pre stream and pre playlist re-organize- (sherbert please why did you do that right before stream-)]

-> [Machine]

-> The doubting of Fable's ideals, the realization of maybe they (Icarus) aren't doing the right thing by doing this, and how they don't *really* want to be a part of this anymore - how they don't want to be a part of Fable's machine, don't want to be a tool in his tool box, a means to an end.

-> The Idea that none of the people here, any of the members of the grove throughout the seasons, *want* to be a part of any of this - what to be here, want to do this, want to see any of this. The idea they don't want anymore resets - don't want anymore people to go through this, don't want to be a part of this revolving machine Fable has built for them.

-> [Suburbia Overture / Greetings from Mary Bell Township! / (Vampire) Culture / Love Me, Normally]

-> Just that whole idea of how Icarus is just *angry* at Fable - How they're beginning to doubt him, and his ideals, and how they're just angry at the concept that he won't bring people back - that this was all for *nothing.* Also just them being so incredibly angry at *everyone.*

-> This is also very just season 1. Just the anger at Enderian and Ominous Bane and. All of season 1 and its hardships.

-> [Enemy]

-> Something about how, especially at the end, *everyone* wanted Icarus dead, gone, or both. They didn't want to be friends with Icarus, they'd been given too many chances, and no one was willing to save them anymore. How everyone wants to be, *is*, Icarus’ enemy by the end.

-> Just. The idea of everyone, at some point, being each other's enemy. At some point everyone has been on opposite sides with someone else in the grove - and that meant everyone else was going to side with *one* of them.

-> [The Search]

-> Just Icarus’ mentality right at the end, trying to find something, *anything,* that'd save or fix them, regardless of what. Searching for something they won't find, looking for something they can't see. Also their whole mentality towards Fable - anger and annoyance and *mad* - how in the end they end up killing like he almost killed them.

-> The whole idea of everyone like. Looking for something they can't find, can't get back, can't *see* - and the idea that over time they all slowly grow angry toward Fable and the resets and everything that's taken *anything* from them.

-> [Misery Fell]

-> I feel like you could argue this is either the very end of season 3 coded, or just the grove coded in general. Something about how they're constantly going through terrible terrible things - constantly having misery fall upon them.

-> [When You're an Adams]

-> How living in the grove is often a while experience - How you need to be prepared for anything, really, because you never know what's gonna happen next; never know what Gods are going to get involved or whatever people are going to go on a harming spree or or or.

-> [Ready As I'll Ever Be]

-> Either Perix fight coded, Or the Faction preparing to fight Fable. Something about getting ready for this big battle and fight, while the other side does exactly the same as that.

-> [We Don't Talk About Bruno]

-> I feel like you could argue either Enderian or Fable? The grove singing about them - respectively. Enderian mostly after season one, while the singing about Fable more now. How they probably don't really want to talk about much of that, no matter how far into the future it gets.

[smoooothoperator]

untouchable

03: Let It Snow

Lando Norris x OC (Violet Sinclair)

same group friend, unrequited love, acquittances to lovers, ski trip, love triangle

Words: 2.6k

Warnings: drama starts now!!! lando being a simp (sorry not sorry), italics are flashbacks

a/n: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! even if it's not happy for me because I'm sick lol. I hope everyone is okay and had an amazing end of the year with all your loved ones and I wish everyone has an upcoming great year too!

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Life has taught me that you can't control someone's loyalty. No matter how good you are to them, it doesn't mean they'll treat you the same. No matter how much they mean to you, it doesn't mean they'll value you the same. Sometimes the people you love the most, turn out to be the people you can trust the least.

But no matter what happens, I would always defend them, even when they don't deserve it. No matter if both of them hurt me, not being aware of my own feelings or ignoring them, I would always be by their side.

That's what friends do, right? That's what a loyal friend does.

So here I am, ignoring the noises they make upstairs, ignoring the stabs of my heart and keeping a straight face while Max, Pietra and Lando complain about them.

“At least they went to their room” I mumbled under my breath, swallowing  the pain behind every word I said.

I felt Lando's pitiful eyes on me, but I decided to ignore him and keep taking things out of the bags.

“We should go out and explore” Pietra said. “The lady from the ski shop said that near this house there's a path with nice views”

“Yeah, that's a good idea” Lando said.

“Okay, let me go tell Harry and Eloise” I sighed, but heard them sigh in disapproval. “What?”

“Come on, ignore them” Lando said. “They clearly don't want to be with us. If they did, they would be here instead of fucking like rabbits upstairs”

I smiled, just because they way he said it was funny. But I just felt a little stab again. They don't want to be with us? They don't want to be with me? Of course they don't. Of course Harry doesn't want to be with me, he has his Eloise. What am I compared with her?

“Come on” Lando smiled. 

I nodded slowly, walking upstairs and taking a deep breath when I walked in front of the door of their room, fighting the urge to knock and stopping them just to feel satisfied, and went to my room. I smiled when I recognized the smell of caramel.

I wonder who did it, who sprayed an air freshener inside of this room.

With a little smile I grabbed warm clothes and put them on, wrapping the scarf around my neck and putting the gloves on my hands. After putting the warm coat on me, I walked out and tried to ignore their voices inside the room, mumbling and panting words.

“I'm ready” I said, swallowing the lump inside my throat and watching Pietra and Max hold their hands before walking out of the house.

Lando looked at me and held the door open for me, making me nod and walk out in front of him, flinching softly when I heard how he slammed the door closed, making the snow of the porch fall right in front of me.

“Why did you do that?” I frowned, looking back at him

“To let them know we left” he said, raising his shoulders, indifferent. “So they can do whatever they want”

I swallowed thickly and nodded, walking in front of him and following the couple in front of us.

It was Eloise who asked me to come to the trip. She was the one that insisted, saying that we could have fun together. But it seems that the one she's having fun with is with her boyfriend, something she does everyday.

Lando and I walked in silence, not uncomfortable or comfortable. It was a silence filled with the crunch of the snow under our shoes, with the sniffles because of the cold weather, with Pietra’s giggles and Max’s chuckles. Both of us are used to this silence between us, standing or sitting next to the other and not sharing a word.

Maybe he doesn't trust me? We barely talk, it's not like Eloise, who sometimes goes to his races because she's Harry's plus one. But still, his presence gives me comfort.

“Tomorrow is your birthday” he said, and I just nodded. “What do you want to do?”

What do I want to do? Have Harry's attention, maybe. Not receiving his grunts or watching him roll his eyes. I would even like to go back in time where we were friends and he talked to me like a friend…

“I don't know” I sighed, shaking my head side to side. “Usually I spend my birthday with my parents”

“And why didn't you go? Why coming here?”

“They went on a trip too” I said, laughing with a bit of sadness in my voice. “For their wedding anniversary. So yeah, my birthday and Christmas without them”

“Hey, but you are here with us” he said, making me look at him, at how he smiled. 

“Yeah…”

“It will be fun, I promise” he nodded. “We planned a lot of things for this week, you will be alright”

I smiled and nodded, hiding half of my face with the scarf and breathing the scent of it. Hiding my disappointment because my parents forgot that this week was my birthday.

“What do you mean you want us to cancel the trip?” 

“I mean… I end the classes that week, and I wanted to spend time with you…” I sighed, playing with the lace of my hoodie.

“We planned this trip months ago. And you know it's because of our 25th wedding anniversary, Violet!” she exclaimed, making me look down at my lap and pull away the phone from my ear.

“Yeah, but…”

“God, stop being selfish”

She called me selfish, because I wanted to be with my family for my birthday and Christmas. 

Maybe it's true and I'm selfish. Is it because I want things that I don't deserve?

Hearing her giggles while towing snowballs is like hearing the most beautiful melody ever composed. And knowing that the one that made her giggle is me because I threw her a snowball, makes me happy.

People might think that I'm like a stalker, but all I am is a coward. 

A coward that can't confess his own feelings, a coward that can't take a step forward and open the eyes of the woman he loves.

“How did you know about Velaris?” I heard her ask me, with a big smile on her lips.

Oh, Velaris. That fictional city of those books she's reading. 

“Ah, my sister is reading the same books as you” I said. Liar. Coward.

“No way! Really? Then you should have brought her here too” she chuckled. “I'm sure she would have loved it”

“Yeah…” I nodded.

I heard her sigh happily, taking deep breaths and admiring the landscape, watching how the cold made her cheeks and the tip of her nose be red.

“This is the best birthday gift someone could give me” I heard her whisper.

And I only needed that to be happy.

The four of us continued walking until I heard Violet's phone notification. I saw her stop walking so I just stopped some steps in front of her, waiting for her. But when I saw her clench her jaw and take a deep breath, I sighed.

“Everything's okay?” I asked her, and she looked up at me with a forced smile.

“Eloise is asking where are we” she sighed. “They are hungry, I guess…”

“They are old enough to cook themselves whatever they want” I said, and I surprised myself of how rude I sounded. 

“Y-yeah, but…” she sighed. “Maybe we should go back to the house? So we can have lunch all together? A-and I'm tired because of the flight, too…”

“Okay” I sighed, looking around and finding Max and Pietra, whistling with my fingers to get their attention.

When they came back frowning I just smiled at them weakly. Max asked with his eyes what was going on, and he only needed to look at Violet to understand.

“I'll cook lunch” she said. 

“That's nice, thank you!” Pietra smiled, walking towards her and linking their arms together.

The two of them walked in front of us, talking about something Max and I couldn't hear well.

And it was the perfect moment for Max to look at me and do the question:

“It's her, right?” he asked. “Violet. The reason of everything you've done”

I looked at him with a sad smile, and somehow let the mask of indifference fall in front of him, showing him my sad smile of someone that has to see how the woman I love wants to be with someone else.

“Of course she is” I sighed. 

“Since when?” he frowned.

“Since the moment she came late to that dinner because she was lost and accidentally stormed inside my neighbor's house” I smiled weakly.

I still think about that day. I still remember the worry on Eloise's face when she couldn't stop looking at her watch because her friend was being late, and she never was late. I still remember how Harry brushed it off, saying that nobody's perfect and that it's impossible that someone always arrives on time, that maybe she spent too much time getting ready or doing other things. 

But what I remember the best is how she opened the front door and how all of us looked at her relieved, how the blush of embarrassment painted her cheeks and how she smiled nervously at everyone while she apologized for being late. 

The moment she sat on the floor in front of me, placing the homemade cookies on the table, was the moment I felt Cupid's arrow stabbing my chest.

“Why don't you tell her?” he frowned.

“I'll try. I'll try to tell her this week, she deserves to know…” 

The walk back to the house was quiet, between Max and I, and the moment Violet opened the front door of the house, I immediately got annoyed.

“Where were you?” Harry asked.

But no, he wasn't looking at us, no. He was looking at Violet, wanting answers of where she was.

“Dude” Max frowned when he felt how tense I was the moment I heard him ask that.

“We went outside for a walk” Violet said, looking away. “You were too busy to notice that we left, or even that I went with Lando to pick up Max and Pietra”

I tried to choke a laugh, biting the inside of my cheek and hiding my smile with my hand. But Max noticed it. Harry looked at us and frowned, rolling his eyes and walking upstairs again.

“Asshole” I whispered and Max chuckled.

Harry is our friend, yeah. But that doesn't mean that lately I've been hating him. I've been hating how he treats Violet, how he controls her and gives her hope but then he throws her away later. Even if he's dating Eloise, he always finds a way of giving her hopes.

Violet started making lunch and she immediately was surrounded by Harry, looking at what she was doing. But the worst of it was Violet's smile, feeling him close to her.

And it made my blood boil, watching how she looked at him and did what he said. 

I wish she did that with me whenever I talk to her.

Later that day we went to the first activity we planned, going on a snowmobile through the same path we walked through hours before. And I was so excited because I knew that she was going to be sitting behind me.

“Are you ready?” I asked her when I saw her walking towards me.

“You said you already drove this thing before, right?” she said, adjusting her helmet and coat. 

“Come on, you will be with the best driver of the group, you are safe” I laughed, holding a hand out to help her sit behind me.

When she held my hand I swear I felt tinglings, her hand was of the perfect size for my hand even if she had gloves. And when she saw behind me, with her chest on my back, I could die there. She placed her hands on my sides, awkwardly, holding the material of my coat.

“Wrap your arms around me, Violet” I said, holding one of her hands and placing it on my abdomen, making her move closer to me and, this time, holding me tighter.

I felt eyes on my nape, maybe Harry's eyes. But I didn't care. I absolutely don't care anymore.

“You like Violet”

It wasn't a question. An affirmation. He only needed a week to see that, to see the way I look at her after I met her for the first time.

“What if I do?” I frowned, ignoring the way he was looking at me. The disapproval. The jealousy. The possessiveness in his eyes.

“Don't. I won't approve that. She's my friend. Mine, not yours. Who would want to be with a man that is barely home, hm? Or that is involved in many dating rumors?”

That's what made me not move forward. His jealousy, the pain in my chest with every word.

But I decided that it was time to do whatever I wanted. It was time to act the way I want with her, to be myself and not an idiot that doesn't celebrate every triumph she has or talk to her and hold her.

“It's going to be okay” I said, looking back at her. “This is safe, I promise”

“Okay, I trust you” she said, sitting comfortably.

I smiled. She trusts me. 

I started the engine, and all of us started to explore the place, looking around us and taking pictures. 

I felt her resting her head on my back, her arms still wrapped around me tightly but more relaxed.

“Can I ask you something?” I heard her.

“Of course” I nodded.

“Why are you always so cold with me?” she sighed, readjusting herself and getting closer. “You are close to Pietra, even to Eloise. But with me… it's only short answers and awkward glances between us”

Oh, Violet… If you knew. If you knew how much I want to hold you every second of the day you wouldn't ask this.

“You wouldn't understand” I said instead.

“Then make me understand. Make me understand why you are distant with me, why we only text or talk for important things” she said. “I want to be your friend, Lando…”

That even hurt more than not being able to have her.

Something changed in the way Lando acted around me after this afternoon.

He was talkative with me, he searched for my gaze after saying something, like trying to find a confident look. 

He even volunteered himself to help me make dinner, grabbing all the things from the fridge and helping me take them to the living room, sitting in front of me afterwards. Somehow, I felt his eyes on me, watching my movements, scanning me and trying to read my mind.

And I should feel uncomfortable. It should made me feel observed, intimidated. But all the times I caught his gaze, I smiled at him and received a smile back.

But because of that, he didn't talk to me since we came back to the house. 

Harry ignored me during dinner, not looking at me or commenting on anything I said. He didn't even say good night when he and Eloise got up to go to bed, leaving me with a pain in my chest and many questions about what I did wrong.

“Let him be” I heard Max sigh. 

“But…” I sighed, watching how he walked upstairs with Eloise following him.

“You should assume that this week he will ignore all of us” he continued, making me swallow thickly.

“Ah…”

I sighed, looking at my phone. The clock says that it was already my birthday. And I started to wonder… will I be ignored too?

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Harley D. Dixon 30

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📖Chapter List.

Hours later, the rays of sunlight shrink back behind the barred windows, making way for night.

"Let's do the dishes, kids," Lori says to me and Carl after dinner has ended, swinging her leg over the bench.

As everybody disperses from the tables and starts heading back to their cells, I grab my dirty bowl. "Okay, Lori."

"Yes, Mom."

The soapy water in the wash bucket sloshes around my wrists as I scrub the grease outta the plastic bowl, shaking the droplets from it and throwing it in the clean pile. This ain't how I would'a spent my free time if I had the choice, but it ain't so bad.

Thoughts of Dad cross my mind as I grab another bowl and plunge it beneath the suds, thumbing the gunk out. He's the one that caught dinner for us tonight while he was out on his impromptu walk. A fat possum and an even fatter rabbit, courtesy of Mouse. He would'a had to leave the prison to find them animals, which is not where he said he was gonna go, but we ain't bothering him about it. It's best not to, when it comes to my Dad. It only ever ends up making things worse, and I'd say things is worse enough already. He'll come around.

Standing elbow to elbow with me, Lori stops her light humming as Herschel approaches our makeshift kitchen.

He's about to add his bowl to the pile when Lori flicks some water at him.

"I don't think so, Mister Greene." She warns him, ever the mother hen. "The time for that has come and gone. Kitchen is closed."

Chuckling, the old man placates, "Yes, Ma'am. I can see who runs this operation. Don't worry, I'll wash it."

"I'm only kidding," She relaxes, tryna take the bowl from him, but he just rolls up his sleeves. "We can do it."

"No, no. I insist, darlin'." He smiles. "I'm used to a little elbow grease."

She relents, "If you say so."

"I wasn't kidding," Carl jokes, giggling a little when both Lori and I flick the water at him this time. "What? I wasn't."

"Silly boy," His Momma weakly scolds. "Don't get distracted."

As we work together in silence, Herschel seems to forget that he only had one bowl to clean, or maybe he just really likes washing dishes. I try to keep up, but I can't stop my eyes from drifting to Lori's belly every now and then, as if it's a zit I'm supposed to pretend I don't notice. I guess I'm just worried. I heard some women die when they give birth, either from pushing the baby out or not being able to.

"Hey, Mom?" Carl lilts after a few minutes, pulling me outta my own head. "Can I go with everyone else tomorrow?"

His Momma quirks a brow. "Everyone else?"

"Yeah," He continues like it's nothing, like he's talking about the weather. "To find the cafeteria and the infirmary."

It had to happen at some point. It feels like asking the adults if we can get in on one of their crusades has become a daily ritual for us. What Carl's talking about sounds a lot more exciting than washing dishes, which is what we're supposed to want to help with. You can't really die doing this, unless you're the world's biggest idiot, but they can't baby-proof everything. We need to grow up at some point.

Not wanting to be left out of the action, I add, "I wanna go, too, Lori. Can we?"

"Um," She scoffs as she glances knowingly at Herschel, instantly squashing all my hopes. "I don't think so."

Carl's face scrunches up in annoyance. "Wh—? Are you serious?"

"As a heart attack."

"Harley. Carl," Herschel patiently asks, "Just how many times do you plan on setting yourself up for the same answer?"

"Maybe later," I put on my best adult-voice, because he's right. I do know the answer. "Not right now, kids. Blah, blah."

"I understand where you're both coming from," He says, "But when we set a boundary, it's usually for a very good reason."

My Uncle Merle used to make me apologise to him three times whenever I went in his room, and I never saw much reason in that.

Whatever. I ask, "But, when is later?"

"When you're grown," Lori answers.

What? When we're grown? That's forever away!

"Well, what was the point of Dad teaching us to shoot, then?" Carl throws his hands up. "And Daryl teaching us knife skills?"

"Carl, it's—"

"To defend yourselves," My Dad's voice suddenly rumbles off the concrete walls around us, and I swear the room shrinks a little. The light from the electric lamp illuminates his brooding face as he stalks closer, squinting at me and Carl. "Y'all think it's fun?"

"N-No," Carl argues, making sure to look my Dad in the eye. "We just wanna help you guys, Daryl."

"Yeah, Dad," I agree. "He ain't lyin'."

"Yeah? And what kinda help is a thirteen-year-old and a nine-year-old gonna be to us when shit hits the fan, huh?"

"Shit hit the fan at Thanton Memorial," Carl smugs. "Needed her help then, didn't you?"

"If I have to hear about that goddamn hospital one more time—," Dad grumbles to himself, rubbing his forehead as he takes a seat. Dragging his hand down his cheek, he levels us with the same glare, one that almost turns the water cold. "That was different."

Feeling like I'm missing out on some big secret, I ask him, "How?"

They needed my help — Lori and the baby needed my help — and I was eight years old back then and I still did it.

"Well, you was there, wasn't ya?" He jokes flatly. "There weren't no other choice. We were on our last leg."

"S'that really it?"

"Please don't gimme bullshit, girl. You really think I'd'a sent'chu in there if there was another way? Ya think Rick would'a?"

"Listen, honey, I've thanked you countless times," Lori puts her hand on my shoulder. "Rick and Carl? They have, too. That was a very brave thing you did for us, but it doesn't mean that we should be throwing you into every dangerous situation because of it."

I shrug her off. "I'on wanna be thanked. I'on care about that! I'm— I— I can be helpful!"

"No," Dad impatiently explains, gratin' on my last nerve, just like I'm gratin' on his. "Ya can't."

"Daryl," Herschel warns.

He ignores him. "You wanna help? Sure. Done. Help me skin dinner tomorrow, but don't ask me about stuff like this."

"I can help with stuff like this." I know I can. He knows I can. Everybody knows I can. "Carl, too. We'll listen real good."

"Why don't'chu just listen now?"

"'Cause it ain't fair."

What if somebody needs my help again, and I ain't there? What if somebody dies, and I could'a done something to stop it, even if it was just something simple, like spotting a walker before anybody else did, or lending them one of my bullets when they run out?

He chuckles, not amused in the slightest. "It ain't fair yer Daddy don't want'chu to die?"

"What? I ain't gonna di—," I force out a sigh, so harsh; some of the pearly bubbles below me disappear. "I just wanna help."

"Nowadays," Lori says gently, "Those are the same things. Okay?"

I feel like I could disappear with a simple huff of air, too. "No, it ain't. We're all still here."

Not all of us, Nobody says.

I know it's not safe out there. Not many places left are, but I hate having a knife, and a gun, and two hands and a brain, and not being able to do nothin' with any of them. I don't wanna wait for danger to find me until I can fight back. Why can't I land the first punch?

I wanna be out there. I wanna be where it's most important, killing them that wanna kill us. Not just doing dishes.

"Are we really gonna go over this again?" My Dad says tiredly, looking straight at me. "Really, baby?"

I don't get what he means. "What?"

"Think."

He can't be talking about the hospital. Does he mean—? I think he means the farm. Yeah. He's got the same look on his face as he did when he found out I snuck into the shed last year, not caring that Jim might'a hurt me, or tried to kill me. I think I wanted it. It was after Shane and Sophia died, and everything felt pointless, like somehow even the smallest blade of grass was plotting against us.

Is he really asking me this right now? It ain't like that again. I don't wanna die. I just wanna help!

Even if those are the same things nowadays, I'on care.

That's a better reason to die, anyway — Because of them I still got, instead of them I already lost. That's exactly how Morales died, fending off a hoard of walkers from our camp, and how Merle and Shane died, protecting me. Everybody wants to be a hero.

Realizing what he's tryna play at, I throw the wet bowl down. "Are you pullin' my fuckin' leg right now?"

"Language," Lori hisses as it rolls across the floor.

"Fuck you," I snarl. She couldn't stop me even if she tried. "I ain't done nothin' wrong. Goodnight!"

As I jump down from the bench and storm toward the cell hall, Carl gets one last word in with the adults before turning away and running after me. I ignore a concerned glance from Maggie and Glenn, heading straight into our cell and climbing into my bunk.

"This is stupid," I complain to nobody, crossing my arms over my chest. "Treatin' us like we'on know how to fight."

Carl flops down on his mattress. "I know!"

I gotta calm down. Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes and feel the air fill my lungs, then let it all out again. Some of my anger escapes with it, leaving me to slump against the wall, glaring at my Dad through the wall and hoping he can feel it on his skin.

"Just 'cause I'm nine," I say, the edge to my voice suddenly gone, "Don't mean I'm useless."

I promised Carl this place would work out — I'm holding myself to that, but I can't do it like this.

"Hey. You're not useless," The boy argues, frowning at me like I've just cursed his entire family. "You help me all the time."

Sure. "With what?"

"I don't know... You shared those beans with me this morning?"

It's hard not to roll my eyes. I was thinking more along the lines of — Well, actually, I don't know what I was hoping to hear.

"Thanks," I say, anyway. "You help me, too."

"Good."

"Knock, knock?"

When I glance up at the doorway, I see Herschel approaching us, and just the sight of him calms me down a little.

"Cooled off, yet?" He asks, seeming to find us a little amusing, for whatever reason.

"Kinda," I say.

"You two have always been a pair of hot heads, haven't you?" He smiles. "My, you've got fire in your hearts, that's for sure."

"Kinda," I say again, even though the better answer would be, Absolutely.

I brace myself for Herschel to break out into a pep talk of sorts. You should listen to your father, or something like that. You kids don't know how good you've got it. I ain't sure I wanna hear it right now, but I ain't mean enough to tell him to go away.

"We all have a role," Is all he says instead, like it should mean something to us, and walks away.

But it doesn't, so I pull the covers over myself and stuff my hearing aids under the pillow.

'Goodnight,' Carl signs from down below as I get comfortable.

'Goodnight.'

Closing my eyes, I try and focus on how lucky I am to be sleeping in a bed for the first time in half a year, before I'm drifting off.

"You won't be needing that," Rick says the next morning, taking the helmet from his son's hands.

Pouting, the boy lets him.

"Don't worry, Grimes." My Dad sneaks a glance at me. "They already got that run-down last night."

Sure did, I think. I can't wait for the scolding he's gonna give me once they make it back.

As they continue to get organised, Maggie tightens the straps of her Dad's thick vest, helping him fit into it. He don't look like any SWAT officer I ever imagined, with his thin, white hair pulled back into a ponytail, the softness in his gaze as he watches his eldest daughter. All I have to do is remember the night the herd came down on the farm and he was right there with us in the fray, shotgun cocked.

I know he can handle himself, but I don't think I'm the only one that would rather he be relaxing somewhere.

If he's allowed to go, why ain't me and Carl?

It's best not think about it too hard, otherwise I might just start up another argument right here and now.

Rick tosses the helmet aside into a nearby pile of trash. "Great. Let's go."

Maggie secures the last strap, smiling weakly up at her Dad and patting his chest. "There ya go, Daddy."

"Thank you, sweetheart."

The group wordlessly file out of the cell hall together, Carl stepping up to the gate and closing it behind them.

"Come on," Carol says once they're out of sight, "Let's do something while we wait."

Carl shrugs. "Like what?"

"I think this place could use a clean," She suggests, looking around at all the gross shit on the floor. "Don't you?"

He cringes. "I used to get paid pocket money for stuff like this, you know."

Without waiting for an answer, the woman just titters and walks off in the direction of the maintenance cupboard, grabbing some broomsticks and dust pans out of it and handing them to us, a dreadfully chipper look on her face. "We're far past pocket money, sweetie."

"If bosses don't pay they workers," I tell her, feeling a little smart, "I heard they go to prison."

"I'm already there," She reminds me.

Remembering all the cells and bars around us, I go, "Oh."

"So dramatic, the pair of you." She chirps, full of energy. "Come on. No time like the present."

"What's that mean?" Carl asks as she chooses an area to start sweeping.

"It means, 'Get your little butts over here before I start swinging this thing around'!"

"Yes, ma'am!"

Beth and Lori join us after a few minutes, grabbing some more broomsticks and getting to work sweeping the debris.

"Hey, Harley?"

After half the cellblock has been cleaned, I look up from the end of my broomstick. "Yeah?"

Lori points at the bin. "Take this outside, please?"

"Sure thing." I prop the broomstick up against the wall and walk over to her, lifting the plastic bag outta the bin.

Carol glances over her shoulder at me. "Just put it in that dumpster out there."

"I got it."

Tying the handles into a knot, the same way I'd tie my laces, I carry the bag outta the call hall and down the dark corridor, elbowing the door open. Sunlight peels over the metal, blinding me as I step outside and hop down the concrete steps.

As I pass the fence, the walkers on the other side take turns groaning at me like I'm a celebrity.

Blowing a wet raspberry at them, I throw the bag into the dumpster.

It lands with a soft rustle.

As I make my way back to the prison, I try to take comfort in the fact that Rick, my Dad, and everybody else that went into the Sharpsburg hospital managed to clear it out without getting hurt or bitten, but that doesn't mean it's gonna be the same inside the prison.

Pushing past the door and letting it creak shut behind me, my footsteps echo around me as I walk.

Anything could happen in there, and Carl and I are doing Spring cleaning in the cellblock, safe and sound. It ain't fair.

I can't believe you'd bring that up again, I argue to my Dad in my head, because I always seem to do that after the fact, when it don't even count, I don't care what Lori says. It ain't like that anymore. I don't wanna die. You think you know everything?

I'm your father, I imagine he'd tell me, You think that counts for nothin'?

"I'on care if you're the King of England," I mutter to myself as I turn into the cell block. "I just wanna help."

I'm lingering there on the concrete platform without even realizing it, lost in thought, staring at nothing.

SLAM.

I flinch.

The door crashes into the wall.

Maggie's hair whips around as she cries out, "He's losin' too much blood!"

"Open the gate!" Rick shouts.

"Help us!"

Did she just say, Losing blood?

I run up to the railing, grab it, look at the whole thing unfold below. Did I walk into the wrong building? The group flood into the dinner hall without any warning at all, screaming, Help us, The gate, Open the gate, because somebody's hurt. I already know it. There's the sound of metal clattering against the floor — Wheels — Those are the wheels of a cart being pushed through the crowd, and the body laying on top of it — White hair, black vest — that's Herschel. And that's just the thing. He's a limp body, leaking blood onto the floor.

My skin goes ice-cold at the sight, like I've been dunked in a lake, and that's how I know I'm not dreaming.

Another group of people stroll into the cellblock after them — All strangers, dressed in blue jumpsuits.

Who the Hell are they?

"Help us!"

Carl opens the gate for them. I push myself off and go running after them, ignoring the strangers. They don't matter.

Carol drops her broomstick. "Oh, my God!"

"Daddy!" Beth shrieks. "Daddy, no!"

"Is that—?!"

"Is he dead?" I shout. Everyone's pressed tightly around the cart. All I see are elbows and sweating bodies and lots of blood. I can't get in. I want to see Herschel. My voice don't even sound like my own, echoing in the tall ceiling with all the others. "Is he dead?!"

"Baby, get back," My Dad warns, "Get back!"

"Is he dead?!"

"No! Get back!"

"In that cell!"

"Turn! Turn it!" Glenn shouts, making a sharp turn into an empty cell with the cart, narrowly avoiding a crash. "Come on!"

I'm on their heels like flies on shit, no matter what Dad says. I'm not in the habit of listening much lately, anyway. Slipping past the doorway, I push my way to the front, and it's instant, they way I wish I hadn't. Herschel's face is blanched, wet and pale like a under-boiled egg, and his pantleg is empty from the knee down. That's impossible, I think, but it don't change what I'm seeing.

His leg. His leg, it's— It's gone?

"Get him on the bed," Rick fusses, Carol stealing a rag from the bedside and wrapping it around the butchered stump.

"Did you cut it off?" Lori frantically asks.

Cut it off?! Why would she ask that?

"Yeah."

Oh, God. I ain't never heard of anybody gettin' they limbs cut off, except maybe a pig or a deer, but they ain't alive when it happens. That's— That's just wrong. That's all types of wrong. We need our legs. Rick cut it off? Can people live without a leg?

As Beth reaches for Herschel, I panic, "Dad?"

"He got bit," He explains, before he heads outta the cell with his crossbow drawn. I think of the strangers, but only for a second.

"Ready?" Rick braces his hands under Herschel's body. "One, two three! Lift!"

I hug Beth's arm as they haul her Daddy onto the bed, shouting at each other to grab towels, blankets, rags, anything. Her skin is slippery with his blood, red and warm and terrible, but I don't let go and neither does she. Herschel got bit. It had to be somebody.

The blood just keeps pouring and pouring, soaking into the mattress until it can't hold any more.

I watch it pool into a fat bead like an expensive ink, spill, and splatter onto the floor.

Please, no, I think, Herschel can't die. What about the soybeans? We have to grow the soybeans.

"He's gonna die," Beth's moaning. "He's gonna die."

"No, no, no, sweetie," Lori soothes her, hugging the girl's head to her chest like a Momma would. "He's gonna be okay."

Rick asks Carol, "You think you can stabilize him?"

"I need to keep his leg elevated. Get some pillows!"

"He's already bled through the sheets," Maggie shudders.

"We can burn the wound to clot the blood," Glenn thinks aloud, and he's not bluffing, not at all. "I can start a fire."

"Please don't do this," Beth begs.

Carol takes some more rags from Carl, stuffing them on top of all the others. They only stay white for a moment. "No. The shock would kill him. It’s not gonna stop the arteries from bleeding. We need to keep it dressed and let it heal on its own."

"Did you manage to find the infirmary?" Lori asks them. "Whatever's in there, he's gonna need it."

"No." Rick rakes a hand through his greasy hair. "We hardly made it to the cafeteria as it was."

A voice booms from around the corner.

"I go where I damn well please!"

"Who are they?"

"Other survivors. Prisoners," Rick explains, taking a step backward outta the cell. "It's alright. Stay put. Glenn?"

The man looks up from all the blood on the floor, grimy streaks down his face, like tear tracks through dirt.

"Do not leave his side." He insists. "If he dies, you need to be there for that."

You understand what I'm saying?, Are the words that hang in the air.

Glenn's taken aback for a moment, because Rick means that he might have to murder Herschel, but then he nods.

"I got it," He promises, tender.

"I can bring T in here if—"

"I got it."

Slowly, Rick nods, glancing between us all.

The smell of blood only becomes stronger when he leaves. I didn't even know we had this much of it. How's it all fit?

"It's okay," Lori says again. Beth pulls away from me and curls into the woman's side, hugging her waist. "Shh, honey."

I stand there, my hands sticky with nothing to hold onto.

It all happened so fast. It always does.

One minute, I was sweeping the floor and worrying about stupid things like arguments, and the next, Herschel is just a body, losing too much blood. I wish I could do more, but it sounds like we've done all we can for him with what we've got right now. Maybe a better thing to wish for would be for him to get his leg back, or for me to have been able to do something to stop this. Was it possible?

It's selfish to think that they didn't try their best to keep him safe, that somehow, I could do better, but it's worse to think that this happened for no good reason at all beside bad luck. I can fight walkers, but I can't fight bad luck. I don't think anybody can.

When Glenn takes my wrist in his hand, I flinch, meeting his soft gaze. He's blurry. I think I've started to cry.

Gently, he asks me, "Are you okay?"

"N-No." I glance at the old man's face again. It looks like he's sleeping, like it doesn't hurt. "He's— He's not well."

"No," He agrees. "But we're—. I'm gonna take care of him."

"Please don't kill him," I ask him nicely, as if good manners are what's stopping him. "I— I don't think I want you to kill him."

"I know. It's gonna be okay," He pulls me in for a hug, repeating the same thing to Maggie over my head. "It's gonna be okay."

Wrapping my arms around him, I hold on tight and only let one tear slip from my waterline before I squeeze my eyes closed.

The soybeans. All I can think of are the fucking soybeans.

As he pulls away, I wipe my arm across my face.

"Sorry."

Dixons don't cry, my family always said — among other things.

I'on want anybody to think I've given up on Herschel. That's not it at all.

"It's okay to cry," Glenn's reassuring me, but I'm already pushing past Maggie and turning outta the cell.

The commotion coming from the dinner hall is a good distraction. I let it lure me over to the gate as I force myself to suck up the tears, sniffling away the last of my sadness. I grip onto the metal bars and peep around the wall, tryna make sense of what's going on.

"How many of you in there?" A scary-looking man I've never met asks Rick. Shit. He's pointin' a revolver at him.

Our leader doesn't flinch. "Too many for you to handle."

The prisoners stare him down, face to face with Rick's cool demeanour and the bowman behind him, glaring down his sights.

People. Those are people.

We ain't seen anybody else for months, and I imagine they ain't seen any, either.

I don't have to know much about these guys to tell they ain't no friends of ours. The shortest man curls his fingers into fists at his sides, shifting on his feet like an antsy chihuahua ready to pounce. He ain't look like all that much compared to the monster of a man behind him, who's as tall as a fridge, and just as stocky. I bet he got put in here for cracking someone's head open like a coconut just because they looked at him funny. Then there's a lamer-looking pair. A man that looks a bit like the small one, and a blonde with a country-moustache.

The scary man with the curly hair, who I think is their leader, stands at the front of their small group.

"You guys rob a bank or somethin'?" He asks superstitiously, adjusting his grip on the gun. "Why don't you take him to a hospital?"

Dad and Rick share a cutting glance with each other without even moving their heads, one that says a million words.

A bank?

A hospital?

What's that clown talking about?

We ain't robbed no damn bank.

I remember on the first day of all this, everybody in our hometown flocked to the supermarket as if there was a sale on, and while they was stealing cash outta the registers, Dad and Merle was stealing food. Nobody wants money. Not like they used to.

Rick turns looks back at the prisoners. "How long have you been locked in that cafeteria?"

The scary man shrugs, a twitchy movement. "Goin' on a year."

"A riot broke out," The big man adds. "Never seen anything like it."

"Attica on speed, man," The white one agrees in an accent like mine and Dad's.

"Ever heard about dudes goin' cannibal? Dying, coming back to life? Crazy."

"One guard looked out for us. Locked us up in the cafeteria. Told us to sit tight, and threw me this piece," The leader explains, gesturing with his gun and taking a pause before he admits, sounding almost embarrassed about it, "Said he’d be right back."

"That was two-hundred-ninety-two days ago," His friend says.

The blonde helpfully adds, "Ninety-four, according to my—"

"Shut up!"

Closing his mouth, he pouts sadly at his feet.

"We were thinking that the army or the national guard should be showing up any day now."

It begins to add up. This is awkward. These men have no idea what lays beyond the walls of this prison, do they? I can see it on their faces, that they think a phone would still work if they were to pick one up, that half the population of America ain't dead, and that neither are their families, or whoever else they left behind. I almost feel bad for them, like when I'm looking at an animal I'm about to shoot.

They couldn't guess the shit we been through if they tried. Things we seen, they prolly ain't even had nightmares of. In my life before, I never dreamt of no walking corpse with its guts hangin' out, no girl stumbling out from a barn, no lady being eaten alive.

"There is no army," Rick tell them, his voice flat, uncaring. He would know. We all would.

Not sounding so scary anymore, their leader stammers, "What do you mean?"

"There's no government," He continues. Their faces fall and fall and fall with each admission. "No hospitals. No police."

I guess it does sound kinda scary when ya say it out loud.

"It's all gone."

After a beat of silence, the blonde one asks, "Are you for real, Mister?"

"Serious."

"What about my Moms?" The big man despairs, frowning at the floor.

Your Moms is dead, Is what I'd tell him. All the Mommas are. Except for Lori.

"My kids. My old lady. Yo," The man beside him steps forward. If he wasn't wearing a prison uniform, he could be any old Joe at a bus stop or a gas station, asking for the kindness of a stranger. "You got a phone or something, so we can call our families?"

"You just don't get it, do ya?" My Dad rasps.

"No phones," Rick doubles down. "No computers. Far as we can tell, whole world's ended. Every last bit of it. It's gone."

There's something a bit sad about watching it dawn on them.

Dad lowers his crossbow.

These people are having the worst day of their lives, and that's saying a lot, considerin' they was locked in a cafeteria for a year.

"Ain't no way," The leader breathes.

Rick shrugs. "See for yourselves."

They hesitate. I wouldn't wanna see it, either. It's a lot better in here, where the sun is dim but the blood is old.

"Okay," He eventually lowers his weapon, too. "Show us."

As the prisoners are herded into the corridor, I let my hands slip from the gate, wondering what's gonna happen to 'em. They can't stay with us. That's for sure. The last person we let stay with us ended up with his neck broke, swinging from the end of a noose.

Looking away, I head in the direction of the bathrooms so I can wash up before my skin is stained forever.

"If we get him through this," Carol's saying as I stop by Herschel's cell. "We'll—"

"When we get him through this," Lori corrects.

"We'll need crutches."

"Right now, we could use some antibiotics." She grabs another rag. "Pain killers. Some sterile gauze. We need that infirmary."

"If there’s one, we’ll find it," Carol reassures her as she joins her on the floor. "You gotta be worried sick about delivering the baby."

She fixes Carol with a plain look and squares her shoulders, making herself look as strong as she can.

"Look at me," She says, her pretty face covered in sweat and muck. "I look worried?"

A little.

Carol considers her for a moment. "I think you look disgusting."

Soft laughter fills the cell.

"So do you," She says, before focusing her attention back on the old man. "We'll get through this."

The faucet squeaks as I turn it off.

The rust-colored water swirls and dribbles down the sides of the dirty porcelain, snaking into the plug hole. I've had a lotta different people's and animal's blood on me in my short time alive, but it's never felt quite this awful when I've washed it off afterwards.

Flexing my clean fingers a few times, I look up through my lashes, staring into the cracked mirror on the wall.

My face is a color-by-numbers, shattered into a million little pieces all stuck together, glinting under the florescent lights.

Even like this, I can make out the stump of my ear peeking out from under my hair. I always can. It's hard to believe what Carl said last night about me not being useless, when that's exactly how I feel right now. Maybe Dad was right — I'm no hero. Just nine.

Stepping outta the bathroom and into the corridor, I almost jump outta my skin at the sound of a voice.

"There you are."

Whipping around, I feel myself relax when I realize it's just Carl. "Oh. What is it?"

He wastes no time asking me, "You heard them talking before, right?"

"Who?"

"Carol and my Mom," He explains, keeping his voice low. Uh, oh. He's cooking something up. "About the infirmary."

Yeah, I heard. "They said we need crutches and ant- anto- antob—?"

"Antibiotics." He agrees helpfully. "Yeah. I was thinking you and me could go and get them together."

"What?"

"It's okay if you don't wanna come, but you know I'd keep you safe," He says reassuringly, glancing over his shoulder to make sure nobody's there. "The others are all waiting for Rick and your Dad to do it, but they're too busy and we're running out of time."

Wanting to help when the adults were gonna be right there beside us was one thing, but going alone?

It seems the silence has spoken for me, because he feels the need to add, "I know where it is. There's a map."

Part of me wants to push past Carl and tattle to Glenn about all of this. It would be the right thing to do, and I'm sure it's what my Dad would want, but the other part of me, the one that feels small and puny but is actually the biggest part of me, wants to tell Carl to count me in. We would be helping Herschel by bringing back those supplies. Helping everyone. Ain't that everything I been wanting?

"Are you sure you know where it is?" I caution, 'cause I know I'm gonna say yes to him. "Like, exactly where?"

There's a reason we're thinking about doing this in the first place. Those corridors ain't the safest place to wonder around in.

He nods. "We go straight, right, left, left, right, and it'll be on our left."

That means absolutely nothing to me, but I believe him. "You know we're gonna get in big trouble."

"Yeah. But I'd rather get in trouble than sit here and do nothing," He shrugs. "Like I said, I won't be mad if you wanna stay."

He makes a good point. "I'm in."

"Awesome." The boy nods back down the corridor. "We need to go grab some stuff first."

I follow him into the cell hall and wait outside one of the rooms we're using as storage as he ducks through the doorway, stealing an empty bag and a flashlight from underneath the bottom bunk, before he reappears at my side again. "Good to go."

Hauling the bag over his shoulder, he leads me to the exit door and pushes on the metal bar.

Darkness stretches out on the other side.

We glance at each other.

Like Carol said — No time like the present.

With one last look at the back of Glenn's head, I step into the corridor just as he starts to turn around.

The door closes behind us.

I strain to make out his silhouette as he beats the head of the flashlight into his hand. Smack, smack. The floor and the walls suddenly blink into existence, the cone of light barely reaching into the depths of the corridor as it groans at us in warning.

"Stay behind me," He whispers bravely, before walking ahead of me and drawing his gun. "Let's go."

"I think Glenn saw us," I warn him, making sure not to lag behind. "He turned around."

"Don't worry. We'll be quick."

He pounces around the corner, training his gun's sights on something a few feet taller than him.

The empty, THUNK, of his silencer sounds out as I step up to his side.

A walker's legs fold in half, collapsing to the floor.

Letting out a sigh, he lowers his gun as the blood begins to spill out of its head. "That was some good aim, huh?"

"Good job, but keep goin', please," I complain, giving his back a bit of a shove.

"Sorry," He whispers as he steps over the body. "I just haven't practiced in a while."

We round the next corner, scaring off a couple cockroaches and sending them scampering under a metal door. I'm glad Carl remembers which route to take. It's impossible for me to know where I'm really going without the sun to use as a compass. All these dirty walls are starting to look the same to me, and I can't remember whether the turn we just took was a left, or a right, or something else entirely.

"We're not lost, are we?" I ask him as we make another turn, noticing a spray-painted arrow on the wall.

"We're not lost," Carl answers boredly. "It's just up here."

"Okay. You ain't painted these arrows, did you?" I wonder, even though I know that makes no sense.

"What? No—."

Without any warning, I bump into his back.

The corridor is blocked by a bunch of walkers. Oh. Shit. That's too many to take on. They turn their heads to check us out like owls in the dark as they stand there without much purpose, knocking shoulders with each other. The closest one takes a step toward us, with its knee hanging out from a rip in its jumpsuit, as Carl spots a door to our right, pointing at it and hissing something like, In there.

Pushing it open and slipping inside, Carl quickly shuts it behind us before any of the walkers can get in.

"Well, we can't go that way," He sighs as he pulls away, already looking for another way out.

"What happened to your good aim just now?" I tease as they start pawing against the door.

"Shut up." His eyes light up when he spots something. "There!"

He runs up to a set of double doors blocked by a fallen cabinet and grabs onto one of the handles, grunting as he pulls on it.

"Here. Let me help," I offer, pressing my shoulder against the cabinet.

We push and pull until the first door is no longer blocked, and—

"Harley, watch out!"

The door slams into my side. I'm almost knocked off balance as something stumbles through and grabs me by the arm. I shriek, looking up into the back of a walker's throat. Fuck. I try to wrestle free of it, reaching for the hilt of Merle's knife on my thigh.

As soon as I wrap my fingers around it, the walker is suddenly rammed into the door, as if hit by a car. 

THUD!

I stumble backwards, dropping the knife to the floor.

Glenn pulls his blade free from the walker's ear.

The body slides down the door, leaving behind a long smear of blood, before collapsing onto the floor.

My heart pounds as I catch my breath.

Holy shit!

When I look up at Glenn, he's already frowning angrily at us. "What the Hell are you guys doing?"

"We—," I ain't quite sure what to say. I knew he saw us. "We were just—"

"It's no big deal," Carl tries to convince him. "I kept us safe. I killed a walker!"

Glenn gestures to the body. "Well, you didn't kill this one, Carl. What would've happened if I wasn't here?"

We don't need to say it. I would've ended up like Herschel.

Sensing that I really messed up this time, that I can't just argue my way outta this or angrily throw something across the room and walk away from it, I say nothing. This is all too similar to the day Carl and I snuck into the woods and came back only to get berated by our parents for doing something so completely stupid, that we might have even gotten ourselves hurt, or bitten, or maybe even killed.

"You know what? It doesn't really matter," Glenn sighs impatiently, shaking his head at us like we're a couple of gross stains on the bottom of his boot, before he picks my knife up off the floor. "You're here to get to the infirmary, right? That's what the bag is for?"

"We're really close," Carl nods as he hands the knife back to me. "It's just around the cor—"

"Yeah, I know where it is," He cuts him off. "Listen, we're here now, okay? We're gonna go there together and then we have to get back to the cell block. I had to leave Maggie in charge of Herschel to come after you guys. You know what that means, right?"

"Well... We didn't think you would," I explain meekly, even though I know he's right. It doesn't really matter.

"You're lucky I did," He retorts, and he's right again.

Whatever scolding we was gonna get for back-chatting last night just got a whole lot worse. God damn it.

"We're wasting time." He holds the door open for us. "Come on. Let's make this quick."

Stepping into the corridor, I mutter, "Sorry, Glenn."

His expression doesn't change. "Save that for your Dad."

Why do bad ideas always seem good at first?

End notes.

I hope you enjoyed reading!

Carl and Harley are just two dumb kids with too much passion. If I was looking after them, I think I'd have to put each of them in one of those backpacks with the leashes on them 😭

And Herschel ☹️

Let me know what you thought of this chapter! See you in the next one! 🤠

@poetoflawed

[insanelyadd]

If the song fits it fits, regardless of possible embarrassment. Anyway, lets hear what songs you put together, and what your reasons are!

Oh ho ho, you just gave me a chance to talk about music, hee hee hoo hoo.

Okay so I'll start with the playlist I made for the Collector, as a heads up note about all of these playlists, I am far from done, so while they're all short right now, I will be getting around to adding more.

Through Glass by Stone Sour -

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass Don't know how much time has passed All I know is that it feels like forever When no one ever tells you that forever feels like home Sitting all alone inside your head How do you feel? That is the question But I forget you don't expect an easy answer When something like a soul becomes initialized And folded up like paper dolls and little notes You can't expect a bit of hope So while you're outside looking in Describing what you see Remember what you're staring at is me (...) How much is real? So much to question An epidemic of the mannequins Contaminating everything We thought came from the heart It never did right from the start Just listen to the noises (Null and void instead of voices) Before you tell yourself It's just a different scene Remember it's just different from what you've seen (...) And it's the stars The stars that shine for you And it's the stars The stars that lie to you, yeah-ah And it's the stars The stars that shine for you And it's the stars The stars that lie to you, yeah-ah

I cannot stress enough that these are the actual lyrics and I did not move them around or anything, all I did was remove the repeating verses/choruses. This song came out in 2006. An absolute shoe-in to be used in AMVs for this little guy except it's a rock song from 2006 and not an indie-pop song from the last five years and it's also not popular.

I was doing my usual thing like a week or two ago where I go through a bunch of songs I heard on the radio when I was in elementary school and as I was relistening to this song I felt like I had lost my mind. I remember relating to this song a lot when I was little kid because the song is about being lonely, and I think the Collector would relate to it too. More kids should listen to rock music from the 2000s because I am deluded* and think a lot of it is good. Music critics tremble before me when they try to say nu metal is bad and I just say "Nah".

(*Yes I do have psychosis and have delusions for realsies, I can use this word)

After this it's all under the cut because this post will end up being long because I fucking love talking about lyrics and the fun little picture shows my brain makes when I hear a song that fits a character. if you don't feel like reading the Archivists playlist discussion be happy knowing I summed all of them up in one picture:

No Lullaby by Siames -

What's the meaning when you have a broken home, home, home? Where's the love when you were left on your own? So alone

The most relevant lyrics in the song are the chorus because the verses on this song are super abstract, like more than their other songs that I've heard. Final lines of the song are the above lines but instead of "so alone" it says "Who says you're on your own?" which feels like how their arc concludes in the show.

All the Best by Siames -

Let's play pretend now Don't be afraid, no Stop being worried this could be the way We are what we made up Ready for a new start Follow your dreams no other way will be that great And I'll keep searching for all the best Picture yourself in a rocket and believe you can be anything you want The meaning of our actions feeds the power of attraction, let it flow Just let it flow It's right under our noses Going through our minds With passion and devotion (with passion and devotion) Your light can be our sun

I feel the lyrics here are pretty self-explanatory. Since the band is Argentinian I'm going to forgive any wonkyness in the lyrics.

Steal My Sunshine by LEN -

Genuinely the lyrics for this song are very abstract but apparently it was written when the brother and sister of the group were having a fight. Though I think the lines "And of course you can't become if you only say what you would have done, So I missed a million miles of fun" are pretty good. Also it sort of just sounds like a song he would like.

Island In The Sun by Wheezer -

On an island in the sun We'll be playing and having fun And it makes me feel so fine I can't control my brain We'll run away together We'll spend some time forever We'll never feel bad anymore

Escapism, sun motif, easy pick for the Collector. Plus the song itself has this sort of fun, laid back up-beatness to it.

Kids by MGMT -

You were a child, crawling on your knees toward it Making momma so proud But your voice is too loud We like to watch you laughing You pick the insects off plants No time to think of consequences Control yourself Take only what you need from it A family of trees wanting To be haunted (...) The memories fade like looking through a fogged mirror Decision to decisions are made and not bought But I thought this wouldn't hurt a lot, I guess not

I made a whole AMV for the Collector and King set to this song, it's a perfect fit, if I were to post all the relevant lyrics I would probably end up posting the whole song. Actually fuck it I'll post them anyways for everyone who's never heard this song.

Fine by Lemon Demon - (the sped up version)

Light is on the way, we'll be having a fun time It's such a lovely day, we should pocket the sunshine And never give it back, even if there's a heat wave We're stalling on the track, it will just be a close shave I know (I know) That in a snap, all the birds will sing I know (I know) I'm full of crap, but still Everything works out nice in the end The sun will marry the moon It'll be fine Why don't we sit back, mellow again And have a nice afternoon? It'll be fine

I feel like this is a fun song for them. Once again sun and moon imagery in the song, outwardly cheerful and bouncy in that way, but menacing at the same time.

GRRRLS by Aviva - (specifically the version that's a Collector animatic)

I can't explain it better than the video explains itself, so here's a link

Best of You by Foo Fighters -

I've got another confession to make I'm your fool Everyone's got their chains to break Holding you Were you born to resist or be abused? Is someone getting the best, the best, the best The best of you?

I think it fits thematically with the Collector breaking free from the cycle of abuse he was subjected to.

When I'm Gone by 3 Doors Down -

So hold me when I'm here, right me when I'm wrong Hold me when I'm scared and love me when I'm gone Everything I am and everything in me Wants to be the one you wanted me to be I'll never let you down even if I could I'd give up everything if only for your good So hold me when I'm here, right me when I'm wrong You can hold me when I'm scared, you won't always be there So love me when I'm gone Love me when I'm gone But when your education x-ray cannot see under my skin I won't tell you a damn thing that I could not tell my friends Been roaming through this darkness, I'm alive but I'm alone And part of me is fighting this but part of me is gone

Most annoying thing on the face of the earth when you're making playlists for child characters or siblings with terrible relationships is probably that every goddamn song you find where the lyrics are vague enough to be interpreted as a familial relationship and not romantic was probably still originally written to be romantic *strangles amatonormativity with my bare fucking hands for an hour straight*

So anyways in this context the song is about the Collector trying to reconcile their feelings about their family being shitty with their want to connect and love people and be comforted by the familiar.

Now for the playlists for the Archivists. I encourage you to look at the scroll bar on your screen. I will not judge you for looking at it and deciding you've read enough, especially since my Archivists (anyone's Archivists really) are totally made up and are basically OCs inhabiting a hole left by canon. I still have fun with them tho.

Penumbra first because she has the shortest playlist (Sorry Penny it's hard to find songs about being stressed by raising your younger siblings and being emotionally and mentally drained by stress)

Help! by The Beatles -

So much younger than today (I never need) I never needed anybody's help in any way (Now) but now these days are gone (these days are gone) I'm not so self assured (And now I find) now I find I've changed my mind And opened up the doors (...) In oh so many ways (My independ-) my independence seems to vanish in the haze (But) but every now and then (now and then) I feel so insecure

Once again on closer inspection of the lyrics I think this is AGAIN about romance. I choose to ignore it. I Do Not See It. I'm taking the implications out back and shooting them. Mainly I chose this song because it was kind of funny for everyone's playlists to be songs from the last 30 years mostly and Penny is out here like "I relate to this Beatles song which is a literal cry for help" someone save this woman (nonbinary).

Stressed Out by twenty one pilots -

Sometimes a certain smell will take me back to when I was young How come I'm never able to identify where it's coming from? I'd make a candle out of it if I ever found it Try to sell it, never sell out of it, I'd probably only sell one

*putting on a very serious face* She's stressed, she yearns for the nostalgia of when she wasn't responsible for so many things. The part about making money means nothing because I don't think Collectors participate in any economy because it's implied they don't need to eat and they could probably just magic up whatever they want/need.

Dog Days Are Over by Florence and the Machine -

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers Leave all your love and your longing behind You can't carry it with you if you want to survive And I never wanted anything from you Except everything you had and what was left after that too, oh Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that

She wants to stop being so stressed out all the time but I think if she suddenly stopped experiencing it she would probably explode. Girl needs a therapist so badly. And a vacation. I like this song because when I looked up the meaning it was like "Bad days will end and things will get better one day" and the lyrics describe the incoming happiness as graphically fatal and terrifying in its approach like being hit by a fucking train in the first two lines of the song.

D.A.N.C.E. by Justice -

No need to analyze the lyrics here, I think she would just genuinely like this song and dance to it, though I think part of it is that there's a little bit of desperation in the way it's sung, like "please dance you have to dance or you will die" which is probably how she would feel if she was given time to relax like "oh wow this has never happened before, am I supposed to be afraid?"

Next I'll do Crescent because why not. "Birth" order, sure. Also Crescent's songs should be fairly easy to explain

The Pretender by Foo Fighters -

Keep you in the dark You know they all pretend Keep you in the dark And so it all began Send in your skeletons Sing as their bones go marching in again They need you buried deep The secrets that you keep are ever ready Are you ready? (...) What if I say I'm not like the others? What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays? You're the pretender What if I say I will never surrender? I'm the voice inside your head You refuse to hear I'm the face that you have to face Mirroring your stare I'm what's left, I'm what's right I'm the enemy I'm the hand that'll take you down Bring you to your knees So, who are you? Yeah, who are you? Yeah, who are you? Yeah, who are you? Keep you in the dark You know they all pretend

I mean. She's a liar, a pretender, she's keeping a secret (having their parent taken away) from her siblings. He's an evil bastard. This explanation will be the standard response to most songs in this playlist but maybe from different angles.

Dangerous by Big Data ft Joywave -

Nobody's listening when we're alone Nobody's listening, there's nobody listening, No one can hear us when we're alone No one can hear us, no, no one can hear us And I've gotta get out of here Sink down, into the dark Keep on running I've gotta get out of here (Keep on running) Sink down, into the dark You understand, they got a plan for us I bet you didn't know that I was dangerous It must be fate, I found a place for us I bet you didn't know someone could love you this much

A little bit uncharacteristically paranoid for Crescent tbh, but the song is fucking awesome and even though the most fitting part of the song is only one line "I bet you didn't know that I was dangerous" it is sung in this sort of taunting way that really has enough threatening intent to be perfect for him.

Miss Murder by AFI -

With just a look, they shook And heavens bowed before him Simply a look can break your heart The stars that pierce the sky He left them all behind We're left to wonder why He left us all behind

After reading the lyrics I have a suspicion they aren't what 10 year old me interpreted them to be about. That's alright. I can imagine the verses are about all the times Crescent has made cults to worship her (I have a HC that Collectors primarily do this as a means of acquiring samples from all the planets they visit because it's easier to convince the most advanced life on the planet that you are a god who demands tribute and getting them to mobilize for you VS going around finding all the animals and plants and whatever else yourself).

I Can't Decide by Scissor Sisters -

I've got to hand it to you You've played by all the same rules It takes the truth to fool me And now you've made me angry I can't decide Whether you should live or die Oh, you'll probably go to heaven Please don't hang your head and cry No wonder why My heart feels dead inside It's cold and hard and petrified Lock the doors and close the blinds We're going for a ride

Did I tell you guys??? Did I mention??? Crescent likes to kill people???? Most interesting part of this choice is how the truth will fool him, which is true. If she believes something that isn't true about you and makes the wrong assumptions based on that it's better for you in the long run, though continued exposure to her increases the chances that he'll eventually realize he made the wrong guess and then he'll get Very Mad about it.

Breezeblocks by alt-J -

No lyrical analysis because yeah they don't really fit but I like the song for the vibe, mainly the ending, though that sort of repetitive mania isn't really in line with how I characterize Crescent. I personally love it, this song triggers my mania sometimes and it's great.

Lone Digger by Caravan Palace -

Another one where it's less about how I write the character and more about what I think she'd like to listen or dance to. I think she would enjoy the frantic energy of the song.

You're Gonna Go Far Kid by Offspring -

Show me how to lie, you're getting better all the time And turning all against the one is an art that's hard to teach Another clever word sets off an unsuspecting herd And as you step back into line, a mob jumps to their feet (...) With a thousand lies and a good disguise Hit 'em right between the eyes Hit 'em right between the eyes When you walk away, nothing more to say See the lightning in your eyes See 'em running for their lives Slowly out of line, and drifting closer in your sight So play it out, I'm wide awake, it's a scene about me There's something in your way and now someone is gonna pay And if you can't get what you want, well, it's all because of me

I feel like the picture here is clear, liar, manipulative, doesn't show her true face so she's always in disguise (metaphorically), the implication of murder/fighting. *slaps the hood of this song* This baby can fit so many of Crescent's worst qualities in it.

I Get It by CheVelle -

So you say you're ignored, as it is Well, give us your sad, sad trip You're right, I get it It all makes sense, you're the perfect person So bright, so wrong Let's all live in your imaginary life Assumed it's whether We're right, or wrong We're doomed and there's plenty for all How dare you catch me counting? How dare you call at all? How dare you call this suffering? How dare you call at all?

Crescent's inner monologue if either of the Twins voice their concerns about anything. Someone needs to hit him with a car.

Annihilation by A Perfect Circle -

It's your choice, your choice, your choice, your choice, Peace or annihilation

This song I think is originally about the American military industrial complex and nuclear war. So anyways for my dumb little OC's playlist this is basically the choice they give the people of the planets they visit if they start to get hostile. "Hey, I know things are tense but have you considered that I will boil your oceans and burn your world to ash if you don't choose to be nice?" Obviously it's also another instance of the song only really having one or two lines that strongly fit the vibe but you see the vision?

You're Going Down by Sick Puppies -

Define your meaning of war To me, it's what we do when we're bored I feel the heat comin' off of the blacktop And it makes me want it more Because I'm hyped up, out of control If it's a fight, I'm ready to go I wouldn't put my money on the other guy If you know what I know that I know (...) This is hardly worth fighting for But it's the little petty shit that I can't ignore When my fist hits your face and your face hits the floor It'll be a long time comin' Bet you got the message now 'Cause I was never goin' Yeah, you're the one that's going down

Oh hey one thing I haven't said about Crescent yet is she sometimes beats the shit out of her siblings (mainly Solari who instigates it on purpose even though she knows she'll lose because it's worth it to them to get under his skin). Well when I say "beats the shit out of them" I mean it more like Crescent can get a single good solid hit in and it knocks Solari down and the fight is over. Solari has never actually been mad enough to push their luck into a full-on brawl with Crescent. If Solari actually, for real, wants to fight him then she duels him with magic instead because it's an even match-up.

Next up I'll do Solari

She also has You're Going Down, but intended from the opposite perspective, while Crescent is the singer, Solari is the listener.

The Red by CheVelle -

The red Well, it filters through So lay down The threat is real When his sight Goes red again Seeing red again Seeing red again

You might be wondering, is this another song from Solari's perspective about Crescent? No. Solari gets so mad she basically loses all control of herself, hence the destruction of property she does. If they ever got actually mad enough to actually fight Crescent for real with their hands, she would be a very dirty fighter. She sees Crescent on her missions visiting the worlds of mortals. She's watched him fight for thousands of years. Crescent has never seen Solari fight with their hands. She might not be as physically strong as he is but she would be able to have the advantage of Crescent not knowing what to expect. Plus if Satellite is there and something has made their twin THAT mad then they would join in too.

Headstrong by Trapt -

Conclusions manifest Your first impressions got to be your very best I see you're full of shit and that's alright That's how you play, I guess you get through every night Well, now that's over I see your fantasy You wanna make it a reality paved in gold See inside, inside of our heads, yeah Well, now that's over I see your motives inside Decisions to hide Back off, I'll take you on Headstrong to take on any one I know that you are wrong Headstrong, we're headstrong

Solari's mind when they're about to start shit with Crescent again. Unrelated I saw the band was marked red on my screen earlier and I was like "???" for a half second before remembering the lead singer is a dipshit loser who whines on twitter and facebook because I guess he has nothing better to do. May the miserable cretin never chart again.

Oh No! by Marina -

I just wanna change I just wanna change I just wanna change I just wanna change I just wanna change I know exactly what I want and who I want to be I know exactly why I walk and talk like a machine I'm now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy Oh! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no, oh! One track mind, one track heart If I fail, I'll fall apart Maybe it is all a test 'Cause, I feel like I'm the worst So I always act like I'm the best

We've come to the portion of the playlist where Solari is consumed by guilt and regret. It's actually not separated like that, I'm just saying these lines speak to how she wants to change who she is as a person because she realizes she doesn't like who she currently is. Not that Penumbra or Crescent would know she's trying to get better, because Solari doesn't respect either of them and does not put in effort into improving herself for them, she's doing it for her little brother, the Collector. Even if she never gets to see them again.

Bother by Stone Sour -

Wish I was too dead to cry My self-affliction fades Stones to throw at my creator Masochists to which I cater You don't need to bother I don't need to be I'll keep slipping farther But once I hold on I won't let go 'til it bleeds Wish I was too dead to care If indeed I cared at all Never had a voice to protest So you fed me shit to digest I wish I had a reason My flaws are open season For this, I gave up trying One good turn deserves my dying

I did mention they are being eaten alive by guilt and regrets right? This is for when Solari is having a bad time in her head.

Riot by Three Days Grace -

If you feel so empty So used up, so let down If you feel so angry So ripped off, so stepped on You're not the only one refusing to back down You're not the only one, so get up Let's start a riot A riot Let's start a riot

Solari is ready and back to being angry. They totally would incite a riot if they felt like they had a good enough reason to start one.

Fine Again by Seether -

And I am aware now Of how everything's gonna be fine One day, too late, I'm in Hell I am prepared now Seems everyone's gonna be fine One day, too late, just as well I feel a dream in me expire And there's no one left to blame it on I hear you label me a liar 'Cause I can't seem to get this through

Just kidding it's Solari Emo Hours again. The only line in the song that doesn't really apply are the lines about staying sober because I HC that there isn't really any chemical that has any effect on Collectors like that. Anyways this is Solari being like "Wow the two older siblings were able to just go back to pretending everything is fine after getting rid of our baby sibling what the fuck."

These next three songs Solari shares with Satellite so I'll talk about why I chose them for both.

Send the Pain Below by CheVelle -

I liked having hurt So send the pain below Where I need it You used to beg me to take care of things And smile at the thought of me failing But long before having hurt I'd send the pain below I'd send the pain below Much like suffocating Much like suffocating (...) You used to run me away all while laughing Then cry about the fact 'til I returned But long before having hurt I'd send the pain below I'd send the pain below

This is a bit messy but whenever the lines say "You did this" that's a perspective shift for the line from the twins' perspective to The Collector. Basically another song about the twins regretting being shitheads to their baby brother.

Breaking The Habit by Linkin Park -

Memories consume Like opening the wound I'm picking me apart again You all assume I'm safe here in my room Unless I try to start again I don't want to be the one The battles always choose 'Cause inside I realize That I'm the one confused I don't know what's worth fighting for Or why I have to scream I don't know why I instigate And say what I don't mean I don't know how I got this way I know it's not alright So, I'm breaking the habit I'm breaking the habit tonight

I'm going to assume some of this song is about some type of addiction. I'm disregarding that. Anyways the part about behavioral issues and not knowing why you act the way you do does align with the twins, and I mentioned it previously with Solari, about her trying to get better for the Collector, if he ever returns, but the same applies to Satellite. Though Satellite is at least attempting to practice this with Penumbra and Crescent. It's kind of difficult because they're so afraid of both of them, and Crescent avoids talking to them whenever he's actually around.

Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men -

I don't like walking around this old and empty house So hold my hand, I'll walk with you my dear The stairs creak as you sleep It's keeping me awake It's the house telling you to close your eyes And some days I can't even dress myself It's killing me to see you this way 'Cause though the truth may vary This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore There's an old voice in my head That's holding me back Well, tell her that I miss our little talks Soon it will be over and buried with our past We used to play outside when we were young And full of life and full of love Some days I don't know if I am wrong or right Your mind is playing tricks on you, my dear 'Cause though the truth may vary This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore Don't listen to a word I say (Hey) The screams all sound the same (Hey) And though the truth may vary This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore You're gone, gone, gone away I watched you disappear All that's left is a ghost of you Now we're torn, torn, torn apart There's nothing we can do Just let me go, we'll meet again soon Now wait, wait, wait for me, please hang around I'll see you when I fall asleep

Yeah it's basically the full song. Once again the lyrics were vague and I had to dig around to find out it was written with romance in mind but I am sending my fucking mind beams out and blowing that up. Anyways tell me this couldn't be about Satellite and Solari's guilt for how they treated their little sibling and the last verse here where they "watched you disappear" is about when the Collector was imprisoned, and the torn apart bit is how they feel about their family. I might not identify as asexual anymore (further testing necessary I'll get back to you all on this if it turns out to be true) but I am still going to be fucking grabbing songwriters in my mouth and violently shaking them. Please can you just write complex interesting relationships into songs without being "OH YEAH IT'S ROMANCE" man there's other types of love. Please. I am on my fucking hands and knees.

*double checks playlist* Oh shit Fine Again by Seether is also on Satellite's playlist. Same explanation applies. Don't feel like moving shit around and adding accommodations in the existing text, I've been working on this for four hours because I have severe ADHD and I am dogshit at prioritizing anything.

If you get this far comment on the post about my brave stance that if a candle smells good enough I would eat it. It hasn't happened yet but my toasted coconut s'more candle tempts me every fucking time I smell it.

Anyways now it's Just Satellite

Unwell by Matchbox Twenty -

Hold on, feelin' like I'm headed for a breakdown And I don't know why But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell I know, right now you can't tell But stay a while and maybe then you'll see A different side of me I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired I know, right now you don't care But soon enough you're gonna think of me And how I used to be, me

Fun fact I actually listen to this song when I feel like I might be about to have a bout of existential terror or some other flavor of mental breakdown and singing along to it calms me down. Obviously, Satellite would be able to relate about feeling gripped by a nebulous madness that Changes You when it hits. I actually have an idea for what I might have unintentionally gave them. Like. This is buried deep enough no one will hit it.

Anyways like a few days after I wrote my fucking long ass post about the Archivists and Collector's relationships and related HC and shit I began wondering. "Am I Autistic??" Asked a friend who is autistic and has ADHD at the same time (like what I would have if the answer to this wonder is yes) and she gave me some things to read about it and I was like "oh my fucking god this is literally all me." and then, because I'm some type of menace freak and I reread my posts that I like frequently, I reread my post about the Archivists and shit and I was like "Ah fuck are they all autistic??? I knew I couldn't write neurotypical people because I have literally never been one but seriously??????"

Point is: I might be autistic. Mentioning it here and now because it seems like getting an actual diagnosis is going to be a huge fucking pain in the ass and won't happen for months. And I might have made the Archivists all autistic or probably other slivers of my various other mental illnesses because I am physically incapable writing a neurotypical person. Circling around to what started this tangent: Satellite absolutely has autistic meltdowns. I don't know if ADHD people get meltdowns like how I imagine Satellite gets them, but they are modeled after My Own experiences with having meltdowns. So anyways back to music analysis in relation to my dumbass little OCs.

Bound For The Floor by Local H -

Born to be down I've learned all my lessons before now Born to be down I think you'll get used to it And you just don't get it, you keep it copacetic And you learn to accept it, you know you're so pathetic (...) Born to be down I think that I've said this before now Born to be down What good is confidence?

I've actually always related this song to mental illness, ever since I was a kid, I always associated the song with the struggles of growing up neurodivergent and how it beats you down and you learn to accept it and live with it.

Words As Weapons by Seether -

All I really want is something beautiful to say Keep me locked up in your broken mind I keep searchin', never been able to find a Light behind your dead eyes Not anything at all You keep living in your own lie, ever-deceitful and ever-unfaithful Keep me guessin', keep me terrified Take everything from my world (...) Keep me dumb, keep me paralyzed Why try swimming? I'm drowning in fables You're not that saint that you externalize You're not anything at all It's oh-so playful when you demonize To spit out the hateful, you're willing and able Words are weapons I'd be terrified You're nothing in my world

Now a song for how Satellite feels about Crescent. Once again, about a person who lies and projects a self that isn't true to who they really are, and the singer is terrified of them, which fits because that's how Satellite feels about their older brother. Crescent is physically strong and gifted with weapons but her best weapon is her charisma and charm and how she uses it to manipulate people.

Keep Talking by Pink Floyd -

There's a silence surrounding me I can't seem to think straight I sit in the corner And no one can bother me I think I should speak now (why won't you talk to me?) I can't seem to speak now (you never talk to me) My words won't come out right (what are you thinking?) I feel like I'm drowning (what are you feeling?) I'm feeling weak now (why won't you talk to me?) But I can't show my weakness (you never talk to me) I sometimes wonder (what are you thinking?) Where do we go from here (what are you feeling?) I feel like I'm drowning (You never talk to me) you know I can't breathe now (What are you thinking?) We're going nowhere (What are you feeling?) We're going nowhere (Why won't you talk to me?) (You never talk to me) (What are you thinking?) (Where do we go from here?)

Now I saved this one for last even though it was literally the first song I ever started associating with Satellite because I think it really fits them. I think this is what it's like from their perspective when they have a meltdown. I don't really know how else to describe it so I guess I'll break this down line by line because sunk cost fallacy at this point why not.

"There's a silence surrounding me" in my own experience with meltdowns, which is what Satellite's are based off of, I find that all the blood rushes to my ears and I sort of lose the ability to recognize sound?

"I can't seem to think straight" probably self-explanatory but in my experience I stop having coherent thought and kind of only think in impulses.

"I sit in the corner, and no one can bother me," though this wasn't always the case (like when you're a child experiencing this you don't really understand what is even happening, and you develop this later in like when it's more like "ah this shit again") you will typically try to remove yourself from the situation that is causing you the distress that makes you have a meltdown in the first place.

"I think I should speak now, I can't seem to speak now, My words won't come out right" this could either be interpreted as a meltdown where you just shut down and stop talking or a meltdown where you fucking scream, I tended to have ones where I would just scream, but that might be because when I get the other way I end up crying silently instead so I might have filed those moments away as just normal "I am sad" moments?

"I feel like I'm drowning" meltdowns can be overwhelming, and when I'm overwhelmed I tend to stop my feet and flail my arms and sort of contort myself because?? I don't know. It feels like I'm trying to escape my own body honestly. Drowning in myself.

"I'm feeling weak now, but I can't show my weakness" this shit is fucking humiliating to have happen in public and around other people man, it sucks ass.

So anyways that is my ridiculously long ass post about music and my little bastards (and baby, the Collector is only baby) that I spent FIVE HOURS writing. I am going to go wash my hands because Bad Texture, drink some water, and then get floor time which is time where I lie face down on my floor and pretend to be a dead body.

[beechersnope]

What are your favorite smut tropes?

Share a favorite passage from one of your smut fics. 

Do you have music/playlists that have inspired your writing? Share some smutty song recs. 

14. all of them lol. no but actually some underrated ones i really like: public masturbation, improvised sex toys, emotionless sex, sexual dysfunction, & objectification.

19. from good battle:

“More,” she prompts. “Yeah, like that.”

Max presses the tip of George’s tongue with her thumb, giving it a gentle stroke that tickles, making him want to curl the appendage back inside the safety of his open mouth. But right now, he daren’t do a single thing she hasn’t explicitly asked for.

“Thith hurths,” George informs her. It does, a little, but it’s more uncomfortable than painful, really.

“Don’t be a baby,” Max chides. “Keep your tongue out until I come, okay?”

It’s a good thing George’s tongue isn’t anywhere near the back of his throat, because what Max does next would have made him swallow it. His eyes widen as she grips the headboard with both hands, using her thigh and core muscles to sink down gently over George’s face until just her clit is resting against the flat of his tongue. She tastes salty and bitter, probably from marinating in her own sweat during the sprint—and that probably should have grossed George out a little, but instead he just feels the wet spot on the front of his trousers rapidly spreading.

Max rocks forward, carefully, precisely, never letting any part of her body other than her clit make contact with any part of George other than his tongue. He can’t do anything but lie there and wait for her to finish. She must know he’s desperate to feel her thighs clenching down around his jaw, to sink his tongue into the hot, wet heat of her pussy, to be so overwhelmed by the smell and taste and feel of her that he forgets every errant thought rattling around in his brain for a minute—but she seems determined not to give him the satisfaction.

Max’s sensitivity is both a blessing and a curse. In this case, it’s a blessing for her: all she needs is the soft friction of George’s tongue against her clit as she moves back and forth, her breathing growing more ragged with each passing second.

For George, who knows now that this is all he’s going to get from her (until they leave Baku, at least), it’s tantamount to torture.

“Fuck,” Max moans. Her thighs are shaking so violently that George prays she collapses onto him, just so he can feel something. But he knows that Max is always perfectly under control, that she won’t waver, won’t slip up, even when she finally comes.

Her clit is swollen against him now, firm enough to feel like a bead rolling against the middle of his tongue, and like with her finger, it tickles. His tongue and jaw are starting to ache so badly that his hands start shaking, but Max isn’t the only one who knows how to exercise self-discipline.

The moans emanating from Max’s throat as she uses him start to ratchet up in volume and pitch, and she lets out a strangled, hoarse sound as she finally pulls away, affording George a front row seat of her soaking wet pussy pulsing around nothing as she comes.

10. i actually don't have go-to playlists for smut or anything but i think i most often use stuff like tool/puscifer/apc for inspiration if i'm getting it from music bc the way mjk uses specific sex acts or sexually coded language as a metaphor for broader topics is really interesting to me! stinkfist is a good example of this & i have written a fic based on that song before in another fandom.

the sexiest song on my current monthly playlist is the hand that feeds by NIN.

but also i think any song can be sexy if you try hard enough!

[vanderwoodlings]

that depth of feeling: a rufly playlist (x)

Tracklist (and commentary) under the cut:

1. “Uptown Girl,” Billy Joel. It’s Their Song TM

1. “Uptown Girl,” Billy Joel. It’s Their Song TM

2. “18,” Anarbor. …but I feel like this might capture Rufus’s actual early feelings a little bit better. And I know it's just a phase, you're not in love with me/You wanna piss off your parents, baby/Piss off your parents, that's alright with me

3. “Dear Maria, Count Me In,” All Time Low. Something about the way that Rufus’s songwriting and Lily’s photography had these intertwined stories going on of the adventure they were going on together. There's a story at the bottom of this bottle and I'm the pen

4. “Crimson and Clover,” Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. Ah, now I don't hardly know her/But I think I can love her

5. “I Think I Love You,” The Partridge Family. This just has big Rufus energy imo. Disaster man

6. “Guitar String / Wedding Ring,” Carly Rae Jepsen. But if you cut a piece of guitar string/I would wear it like it's a wedding ring/Wrapped around my finger, you know what I mean?

7. “Past Lives,” Kesha. But I, I keep on falling/For you/Time after time. Okay yeah there’s the obvious but I like the way the song is actually meant to be interpreted for them—I mean, like “that depth of feeling, our unbelievably powerful bond”

8. “Long Way Home,” Jukebox the Ghost. One day, further down the road/With full-grown children of your own/If I pass by you on a busy street/Will you remember me?

9. “Do You Love Me Still?” The Kooks. Baby, do you love me still?/‘Cause I miss you/I miss you/Baby/I miss you. I mean, we don’t really get a lot of answers about the adults’ pasts, but we are told that Rufus and Lily were on-and-off even before things gave their final going sideways, so I think how extended I made this section is valid

10. “The Summer,” Josh Pyke. We should be living like we lived that summer/I wanna live like we live in the summer/So if I could bottle up the sea breeze I would take it over to your house/And pour it loose through your garden.

11. “Here With Me,” The Killers. This was the song that started this—y’all, I don’t even, like… ship this. But this kicked something on in my brain and so here we are

12. “Time Passages,” Al Stewart. A girl comes towards you, you once used to know/You reach out your hand, but you're all alone in these/Time passages/I know you're in there, you're just out of sight

13. “White Flag,” Dido. And when we meet/Which I'm sure we will/All that was there/Will be there still/I'll let it pass/And hold my tongue.

14. “You’ve Haunted Me All My Life,” Death Cab for Cutie. You are the mistress I can't make a wife/And you've haunted me all my life

15. “Over You,” Ingrid Michaelson, A Great Big World. Maybe if I tell myself enough/Maybe if I do/I'll get over you. There’s an element of conversation, of ambiguity, to a lot of these broken up ones, but like. Lily x repression is one of gg’s true otps

16. “Walls - Circus,” Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. Rufus when his ex walks back into his life and Oh Fuck. And if I never do nothing/I'll get you back some day/‘Cause you got a heart so big/It could crush this town/And I can't hold out forever/Even walls fall down

17. “Taking Pictures of You,” The Kooks. Lily’s photography and that moment when she has to shut the interviewer because her photography was so intertwined with her love for Rufus but she’s in denial about still being in love with him is Top Ten Moments I Found Them Compelling

18. “The Rescue,” American Hi-Fi. I wish I could fly, I know I can save us somehow/You thought you were safe and sound but you need a hero now/You gotta believe even with broken wings. Something something Bart Bass (derogatory)

19. “How to Rest,” The Crane Wives. Lily when her ex walks back into her life and Oh Fuck. Those of us who vow never to love again, to love again/Are making liars out of honest men/It's not something that you put to bed/Hang your head and just forget/No, love don't know how to rest

20. “Hold My Hand,” New Found Glory. Getting closer now…

21. “Be My Escape,” Relient K. If I wanna make a Jesus song about romantic love that’s my business

22. “Like The First Time,” Peter, Paul, and Mary. Like the first time, only better/We're a song that must be sung together!/Like the first time, only this time/Could it be forever?

23. “Anywhere,” Passenger. Darling, just look beside you/Oh, I'll go with you anywhere

24. “Uptight (Everything’s Alright),” Stevie Wonder. She says no one is better than I, I know I'm just an average guy/No football hero or smooth Don Juan/Got empty pockets, you see I'm a poor man's son. TFW you study the wrong opera

25. “Everlong,” Foo Fighters.

26. “I Belong in Your Arms,” Chairlift. Swear to God, double knot/What would you do if I stole you tonight? (Ah ah)/Why waste time? (Ah ah) hmmm half-planned wedding moments

27. “Love You Like That,” Dagny. You know how they say you got the real thing/When nothin' else matters/I love you like that

28. “Skies the Limit,” Fleetwood Mac. And when we do, I'll think about you/How can we fail?

29. “All Your Life,” The Band Perry. Well, I don't want the whole world/The sun, the moon, and all their light/I just want to be the only girl/You love all your life

30. “Things Are Right With You,” Cloud Nothings. You give up what you know/Can't explain where to go/And you move in a world that moves on its own/Feel right feel right feel right/Feel lighter

[catboy-jaebeom]

week seven of #got7revival: the moment that made you an ahgase

this question is incredibly hard to answer, because I don't think it was one single moment, it was a couple that made me think "okay, yeah, maybe I'm in this deeper than I thought" and then didn't turn back around, lol, because I didn't feel I really wanted to. so, here's a few moments during the last one year and eight month since I got into kpop and GOT7.

late-March 2021

I am looking for faceclaims for my original characters and Pinterest offers me the famous pictures of Jaebeom and that shoot on the rooftop with his anti-eyebrow piercing and the nose ring, and I am gone. my friend A shows me another one of them and kinda looks up GOT7 out curiosity and sends me some of their songs; I spend the next few hours — and days — on a deep dive into the rabbit hole, and the rest is history.

July 2021

A sends me the bodyshop ad Youngjae did for that white musk perfume. I'm out with friends at the time and in the inner city, shopping district. about twenty minutes later I've bought the shower gel of that line. I tell another kpop friend ( a veteran army and atiny ) that I think now that I've actually bought a product simply because one of my kpop boys has promoted it ( and of course because I actually love the smell ) there is no going back for me. she laughs but agrees.

late summer 2021

curious about Jinyoung's acting efforts, A and I watch He Is Psychometric and love it, and then start with The Devil's Judge ( which I have yet to finish, yes, I know, gods, where has the past year gone to wjkddk ). I also watch Yaksha on release date in April the following year.

mostly winter 2021

Mark releases a couple songs and I remember writing a whole Text on how My Life has moved me. ( tho I've never sent it to him or anything, but man, My Life. )

April 2022

for my ahgase anniversary I create a fan twt account, and my first tweet is something along the lines of "now that we might be getting a comeback soon, I might as well." mind you, that was before they ever confirmed anything, but that was definitely one of the moments where I realized that, yes, I'm definitely in this for the long run now.

May 5th 2022

the Yugyeom concert in Berlin!! my very first kpop concert ever, and my gods was it good. I won't forget meeting so many kind ahgase who immediately adopted me when realizing how baby I was in terms of being an ahgase. and I definitely won't forget Yugyeom performing and dancing and speaking English ;; it was a great day.

May 21st – May 23rd 2022

comeback weekend !!!! I talked about that already in my Fave Era post, but the fun we had not only on that weekend but also in the weeks leading up to it with all the concept pictures and the teaser for the album tracks and the MV, and then when we edited all those hardhats onto our icons and all. what a good time that was, wow. also when JayB managed to transfer the rights for GOT7 and all the music and all that, I remember I was so incredibly proud of him, of them, and of me in a way because I had clearly picked the right group to stan.

September-ish 2022

since I kept talking about GOT7 and other kpop groups to one of my mutuals on here, he asked to listen to them, whether I could send him some MV or song to listen to, one that I recommend. ever since, I keep throwing him new videos and have made playlists and share exciting news with him, and I feel if you're at the point where you can casually and calmly recommend their music to someone else and it feels great to see them like your group, you've definitely earned your place, right?

Honourable Mentions

somewhen in April last year I was watching one of those things you didn't notice in ____ videos, and finally realized that Mark is in fact the oldest and not the maknae. yes, he fooled another one. that was also the moment I realised I finally knew all of their names and could attach them to faces so that was nice.

when I listened to the mindset clips Jaebeom had made, and felt so very comforted and understood. him sharing all of that is something very precious to me, I feel honoured he did that and that we are able to hear it. I think he's helping so many people with it.

that afternoon a few months ago when I went through yt and watched a lot of X reacts to GOT7 for the first time videos, and let me tell you how much fun it was to, like, see them fall in love, vibe with the songs, and point out certain members like I had a year prior. also the amounts of time people already knew Jackson but nobody else kadkkfkdd.

anyway, thank you @def-jaes for hosting this GOT7 revival this was so so so much fun! especially to see everyone come together and create !! we should do that more often <3

[kaiser1ns]

𝗺𝗶𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗲𝗹 𝗸𝗮𝗶𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝘅 𝗳𝗲𝗺!𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱𝗲𝗿

PLAYLIST ⏭ NEXT TRACK

NOW PLAYING "FRIENDS" BY BTS

╹synopsis :: hope still exists even if it makes you forget for your problems just for a while.

╹content :: MAP OF THE SOUL PT. 1, 0.6k words, fluff + angst, BASED ON KAISER BACKSTORY

╹notes :: i love him sm it hurts, wrote this after i saw his backstory spoilers :( making this a series , don't worry i will pay for your therapy.

╹taglist :: @chaosinanutshell @rinitoshisgirl @thebluelockroyals

There he was again at the children's playground alone sitting on the ground, playing with the ball as he threw it at the graffiti wall making it bounce back. It was the same old story to be outside, away from his father and the smell of alcohol, even for a few hours — he just wanted the freedom and peace that every child deserved.

It was very hard, to be constantly accused and beaten for the smallest thing, because his mother that he resembles so much is no longer with his father, but instead now is a famous actress who lives in luxury and glory, and his father has become an alcoholic, an abuser — a monster.

Sighing, the boy threw the ball harder, and it went behind him, his gaze still blank, despair overpowering hope in every part of his facial features: eyes, smile, voice. He is just a kid, just a mere kid who wanted nothing but to have a normal life and family, to have a loving and caring father and to have a mother who is present in his... But sometimes dreams don't come true and we have to get used to the fact that we won't have everything we want. Lost in thought, lost in his own world without a care, he didn't feel someone tapping him on the shoulder until it started annoying him.

It was pure reflex to turn around and cross his hands infront of his face. Reflex that did nothing but to save him from the upcoming question, "Hey, is that ball yours?"

Huh? The young boy turned his head up, his heart skipping a beat as he saw a girl around his age holding the soccer ball in her hands. A genuine smile adorned her childish face, and just as he was tense, he relaxed a bit, though his guard remained up. "Yeah, it's mine," he replied, his voice cautious yet not unfriendly.

"Can I play with you?" the girl asked eagerly, her c/e eyes sparkling with excitement. He hesitated for a moment, unused to such normal interaction . "Um, sure, I guess," he replied, still keeping his distance.

The girl bounded over and sat down beside him, bouncing the ball in her hands. "I'm Y/N, by the way. What's your name?"

"Michael," he answered quietly, glancing at her briefly before returning his gaze to the ground. Y/N didn't seem to mind his reserved demeanor. "Cool! Do you go to school, Michael?"

Michael tensed slightly at the question, his grip on the ball tightening involuntarily. "No, I don't," he murmured, feeling a pang of sadness at the reminder of his isolation, "So do you like football?"

"Yeah, I do... Kind of," she hummed at his answer, the ball Michael bounced lightly on the ground made a noise in the quiet area they were sitting in "Do you want to see who can make more kicks? The loser has to do everything the winner wants!"

Standing up as she gave him a hand so he could get up too. It was very strange to him that such a thing was happening, suddenly everything was just so calm and fun. It was fun having to play with someone, it was fun having someone to talk to, it was fun finally experiencing his childhood.

Michael hesitated for a moment, considering the offer. He wasn't used to playing with others, let alone making bets. But there was something about this mysterious girl and her energy that made him loosen up. "Okay, deal," he finally agreed, a smile appeared on Y/N's face.

As they played, Michael found himself becoming more relaxed, the weight of his worries lifted from his shoulders. Their match was 'intense', each of them showing off their best moves and tricks. But in the end, it was Michael who emerged victorious, narrowly beating Y/N by a single point.

She gasped in awe, her eyes wide with admiration as she looked at Michael. "You are so good at this! One day you will be a worldwide super star like Noel Noa or Ronaldo!" she exclaimed, a grin spreading across her face. Michael shrugge trying to play off his accomplishment. "Eh, it wasn't that hard," he mumbled, but deep down, he couldn't help but feel a sense of validation at Y/N's praise.

As they sat together on the swings, catching their breath after the game, Michael found himself studying Y/N's face. There was something about her innocence, her pure-heartedness, that made him feel...calm. For the first time in a long while, he felt like he could just be himself, without any pretense or fear.

Before long, the sun began to dip below the horizon, casting long shadows across the playground. She checked her mobile phone and sighed. "I've gotta go home. But here," she said, rummaging in her bag and pulling out a small bag of candy, "your promised reward." He blinked in surprise as she handed him the candy, a warmth spreading through his chest and rosy blush appearing on his cheeks. Right, the reward he forgot about it, but either way he couldn't ask her to bail him out of troubles. "Thanks," he managed to say, watching as she waved goodbye and went on her way.

Maybe, just maybe, not everyone in this world was like his father and the drunken men around him — maybe there was hope after all and maybe angels did exists having themselves hidden among the many devils, coming to us when we least expect it.

©2024 kaiser1ns do not copy, repost or modify my work.

[reyev]

To save everyone on discord from my endless song ramblings. I have decided to make the annotated playlist post here. Under the cut is every song on my Juno/Nureyev/Jupeter playlist with explanations and lyric excerpts that really Get me about them. Bon appetit and whatnot.

If you want to listen to the playlist and/or steal the songs you can find it on Spotify and Apple Music.

Also shoutout to everyone in the Penumbra Creator Collective discord. Yes most of these are songs I stole from other people and/or playlists. I don't listen to music ♡

(There is a heavy Nureyev bias in here. I'm a Nureyev girlie. Who knew.)

I'm Good, I'm Gone - Lykke Li Nureyev who runs away from him fucking problems. Juno who ALSO run away from him fucking problems! They love to run away from everything.

And if you say I'm not okay with miles to go If you say there ain't no way that I could know If you say I aim too high from down below Well say it now 'cause when I'm gone You'll be calling, but I won't be at the phone And I'm hanging around 'til it's all done You can't keep me back once I had some No wasting time to get it right And you will see what I'm about

Love Don't Die - The Fray Nureyev u-haul swag is real. And then in season 3 when they are so clearly…sooo happy together. Like they would die for each other even if they don't stay for each other. They are in love ♡

If I know one thing that's true It ain't what you say, it's what you do And you don't say much, yeah, that's true But I listen when you do No matter where we go Or even if we don't And even if they try They'll never take my body from your side Love don't die

Kiss With A Fist - Florence + the Machine This is very much fitting with the crime boss Roses AU. But also in general Juno and Nureyev bond through a lot of suffering. And also also Juno "active desire to do me harm" Steel.

Blood sticks, sweat drips Break the lock if it don't fit A kick in the teeth is good for some A kiss with a fist is better than none

Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend - Julie London Heist song!!!! And also Man in Glass Nureyev.

Men grow cold As girls grow old And we all lose our charms in the end But square-cut or pear-shaped These rocks don't loose their shape Diamonds are a girl's best friend

Fucking Boyfriend - the bird and the bee I think it fits them. TBH to be honest. Especially Murderous Mask and Man in Glass.

There is something wrong and there is something right When you can take me by the hands and I will close my eyes When you laid down with me you took the other side When you laid down with me you never slept that night Are you working up to something, but you give me almost nothing Keep me helpless up to something on my knees

Runaways - All Time Low The fantasy of running away together! Nureyev says let's run away and forget everything and they consider it for a little bit, tbh!!!

So let's run away They will have to find another heart to break Why don't we just run away? Never turn around, no matter what they say We'll find our way When the sun goes down on this town There'll be no one left but us

W.A.M.S. - Fall Out Boy Juno self-hate and loves to ignore things with sex.

Hurry, hurry You put my head in such a flurry, flurry Reflect, reflect on what makes you so special Oh, what makes you so special? I'm gonna leave you Oh, I'm gonna teach you How we're all alone How we're all alone, oh, oh

Never Love an Anchor - The Crane Wives Juno cutting Nureyev loose because he thinks he's the anchor and Nureyev is the ship.

There are times where I still wonder about you You are someone I have loved but never known And you'll never see the reasons I had For keeping my claws away when they were close enough to hurt you

Come With Me - Chxrlotte Final resting place. Especially Nureyev's POV.

They won't find us, you and I Can watch the stars fall from the sky The world ends eventually, so come with me

Complicated - Avril Lavigne Juno and Nureyev both seeing what each other are hiding and so frustrated by it. Especially Juno watching Nureyev wear a mask around their family.

Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated? I see the way you're Actin' like you're somebody else, gets me frustrated Life's like this, you And you fall, and you crawl, and you break And you take what you get and you turn it into Honesty and promise me, I'm never gonna find you fake it No, no, no

Cherry Thrill - Movements "Who knows what kind of trouble we could cause?"

Ooh, am I the only one? I think it might be fun Drop everything and run Ooh, you look so fit to kill World explodes and I'm with you still Hypnotized in your cherry thrill I'm feeling lucky, I'm feeling charmed You pick the roles, I'll play the part One robs the bank, one drives the car And we run the job like a work of art

Fair - The Amazing Devil Hopelessly and uselessly in love.

"It's not fair, it's not fair how much I love you It's not fair 'cause you make me ache, you bastard" And they'll say "Oh how, oh how unreasonable How unreasonably in love I am with everything you do I'll spend my days so close to you 'cause if I'm stood here Then I'm stood here And I'll stand here I'll stand here with you"

Neptune - Sleeping At Last Nureyev is allergic to the truth but can't help being a hopeless romantic!!!!

I'm only honest when it rains If I time it right, the thunder breaks When I open my mouth I wanna tell you, but I don't know how I'm only honest when it rains An open book with a torn out page And my ink's run out I wanna love you, but I don't know how

It's Always Sunny With You - {Parentheses} Nureyev learning how to love in the present instead of just the past. He loves Juno!!!

You caught me when I was falling down Picked me up when I was on the ground You were warm when everything was cold On you, I have been sold I thought I was drowning once, but then You made my life happy once again I thought I was lost but now I'm found It's you I wanna be around

Black Sheep - Metric Nureyev loves to self-flagellate by going back even when it hurts. And also he is literally the black sheep of the crew.

I'll send you my love on a wire Lift you up, every time Everyone, ooh Pulls away, ooh It's a mechanical bull, the number one You'll take a ride from anyone Everyone wants a ride Pulls away, ooh, from you

Bug Like an Angel - Mitski Nureyev making promises he can't keep! Because he loves Juno but he also is dedicated to his debts (literal and metaphorical).

Hey, what's the matter? Lookin' like your sticker Is stuck on a floor somewhere Did you go and make promises you can't keep? Well, when ya break them, they break you right back Amateur mistake, you can take it from me

Where Do You Run - The Score Nureyev and Juno both wanting to be wanted!! So badly!!!!

The bridges I have crossed since you've been next to me You showed me there's a life worth fighting for, yeah Now the tables turned and you're the one in need Just let me in I'll help you win this war, oh

Devil's Backbone - The Civil Wars Nureyev sees himself as broken but guess what!!! Juno loves you anyway bitch.

O Lord, O Lord, what have I done? I’ve fallen in love with a man on the run O Lord, O Lord, I’m begging you, please Don’t take that sinner from me Oh, don’t take that sinner from me

Love of My Life - Queen Nureyev learning what love really feels like with Juno and well. That's his other half now.

(Please bring it back, back) Bring it back, bring it back Don't take it away from me Because you don't know What it means to me (means to me) You will remember when this is blown over And everything's all by the way When I grow older I will be there at your side To remind you How I still love you (I still love you)

Suck the Blood From My Wound - Ezra Furman Magic healing in various AUs. But also the symbolism of angel Nureyev.

Blood on my angel's lips blends in with his makeup He's off the premises before his brain's had time to wake up Peeling off bandages to unfold his wings The doctors said they'd have to stay on for another three weeks Fuck it baby, let 'em bruise, let 'em break But please, let 'em bleed I let you walk as long as fear will allow I've never loved you more than I love you now And then we're back on the road before the sun's even up We're making time, we're making progress But progress towards what?

Hero - Faouzia Nureyev thinking that if he can be Juno's hero, Juno will be his savior. And he does, but not how either of them expect.

If I was your hero, would you be mine? I know this ain't a fairytale, this is real life But if I were to save you, would you do the same? And catch me if I'm fallin', fallin', fallin', fallin'?

Never There - CAKE Nureyev resenting Juno leaving him. Of course.

On the phone long, long distance Always through such strong resistance And first you say you're too busy I wonder if you even miss me

Only the Lonely Survive - Marianas Trench Nureyev running back to a "reality" without Juno. He's survived by being no one for years! He knows they're on limited time.

But I know A love like this will end in tragedy You know Every kiss suspending gravity Burns us both to love this close We lose ourselves And I know we won't get out alive But only the lonely survive

UNBELIEVABLE - Ethan Gander If Nureyev ever stops running away he'll fall to pieces, so he will keep running until he falls away.

The things I've done to run away Are unforgivable This debt I'm unable to pay Is unbelievable Oh so weary, no rest And still got miles ahead I've created a mess with my own bare hands

When Somebody Needs You [Song] - Will Wood Reuniting on the Carte Blanche and they just…wow they're okay? Actually? And then they both get to be needed by someone who's here.

Then you looked in my eyes and said "How dare you love me when you should despise me? You should be scared of me" It seems that that's what it means When somebody needs you

Promises - Beach Bunny Nureyev pissed at Juno but still wanting to be thought of. Because he's that bitch.

Part of me still wants you, part of me wants to fall asleep When we're all alone in your bedroom, you came like a reoccurring dream Part of me still hates you, how could you love someone and leave? When you're all alone in your bedroom, do you ever think of me?

You're a Cad - the bird and the bee Nureyev is so obsessed with Juno it makes him look stupid. Especially gap between end of FRP and CB. Also this is reverse AU Nureyev fr.

Still I tug at your line, I'm a fish on your hook You're rash and you're hasty, you're reckless with my heart Still I wait by the phone, I will never get smart I should be better, but I'm worse

A Night Like This - Caro Emerald The fantasy of being together, of running away, of being a pair. Murderous Mask, Train From Nowhere, and Final Resting Place vibes.

I have never dreamed it Have you ever dreamed a night like this? I cannot believe it I may never see a night like this When everything you think is incomplete Starts happening when you are cheek to cheek Could you ever dream it? I have never dreamed Dreamed a night like this

Tomcat Disposables - Will Wood The Pests and Nureyev dreaming of more.

And so I stumble back to bed Something's not quite right. Guess I'll just go rest my head Now as I lay me down to sleep I expect no dreams, and no sweet goodbye to me Flatline in the morning light. I held on so tight for so long It's just not right, let a sigh out as I close my eyes Was that all there was to this? What's for the best?

Liar - The Arcadian Wild Nureyev thinking there's nothing waiting underneath all his aliases and lies. Is there even a person there?

I am the host of this hostility I’m the master magician that makes you believe I’m real, I’m not fake, but in reality I’m a lying man My life’s become this grand game of deception My mind’s ignored all my heart’s good intentions We all feel this tension We all have our own illusions

Broken Boy - Cage the Elephant Nureyev!!!! Nureyev the Brahman child. Trying to grow past it but he's always going to be Peter Nureyev the Brahman child.

I was born on the wrong side of the train tracks I was raised with a strap across my back Lay me on my side or hold me up to the light, yeah I was burned by the cold kiss of a vampire I was bit by the whisper of a soft liar Any good friend of yours is a good friend of mine Broken boy, how does it feel? Broken boy, how does it feel? How does it feel? Tell me why I'm forced to live in this skin Tell me why I’m forced to live in this skin I'm an alien, I'm just an alien, oh Tell me why I was born to live in this skin Tell me how I’m supposed to be forgiven With my hand in the hive and the sun in my eyes, yeah

Chapter 6 Many Mistakes (feat. Jaye Prime) - Jax Anderson Both Juno and Nureyev have always caused problems for one another and thinking it over, even as they commit to their mistakes.

Late night thinkin 'bout many mistakes I never meant to hurt you Late night problems come and I can't escape I never meant to hurt you Late night wishin' I'd run away I never meant to hurt you Late night problems come and I can't escape I never meant to hurt you

Scene One - James Dean & Audrey Hepburn - Sleeping With Sirens Season 1 Nureyev, Season 5 Juno, Season 3 them together.

How the hell did you ever pick me? Honestly, cause I could sing you a song But I don't think words can express your beauty It's singing to me How the hell did we end up like this? You bring out the beast in me I fell in love from the moment we kissed Since then we've been history They say that love is forever Your forever is all that I need Please stay as long as you need Can't promise that things won't be broken But I swear that I will never leave Please stay forever with me

The Moon Will Sing - The Crane Wives Regrets and desires.

All those empty rooms We could have been anywhere, anywhere else Instead I made a bed with apathy My heart knew the weight Ten years worth of dust and neglect We made our peace with weariness And let it be

Extrasolar - Baths Juno's moral core, Nureyev's dedication to a promise he's made. Broken by who they are and also literally running off world!

Get offworld, get extrasolar Boot the motor, we've got time to waste (In every blot of space) Our goodwill is gonna kill us But come what may, we're on our way (Intrepid and unphased)

Into the Storm - BANNERS Nureyev who will always chase after Juno!!!!

So violently Held captive by your gravity Hold your breath and wait for me Where the wind may blow Through light and dark And fantasies that fall apart Know you're always in my heart Anywhere you go

First Love / Late Spring - Mitski Nureyev who had to learn to be mature so young, and now he's emotionally stunted!

And I was so young when I behaved twenty-five Yet now, I find I've grown into a tall child And I don't wanna go home yet Let me walk to the top of the big night sky

Francis Forever - Mitski Nureyev who has to prove himself to anyone whose approval he's ever valued. Mag, Juno, Vespa, Buddy!!

I don't need the world to see That I've been the best I can be, but I don't think I could stand to be Where you don't see me

Starlight - Muse They're in love, your honor.

Far away This ship has taken me far away Far away from the memories Of the people who care if I live or die Starlight I will be chasing a starlight Until the end of my life I don't know if it's worth it anymore Hold you in my arms I just wanted to hold You in my arms My life You electrify my life Let's conspire to ignite All the souls that would die just to feel alive I'll never let you go If you promise not to fade away Never fade away

Mercury - Sleeping At Last Nureyev thinking that Juno is the most precious thing. Even more than Slip or even more than his name!! They're in love.

I know the further I go The harder I try, only keeps my eyes closed And somehow I've fallen in love With this middle ground at the cost of my soul Yet I know, if I stepped aside Released the controls, you would open my eyes That somehow, all of this mess Is just my attempt to know the worth of my life

Pretty Little Things - The Crane Wives I don't think I need to argue this. It's so.

I cut straight to the heart I don't believe the pretty little things that you say I've heard a lot of little pretty things Don't buy me flowers It pains me to watch pretty little things wilt away Pretty little things wilt away Pretty little things wilt away

Hey Brother - Avicii Benten and Juno!! Bentenbentenbenten. (Also Steliana and Nureyev if you're a deep V lore follower.)

What if I'm far from home? Oh brother, I will hear you call What if I lose it all? Oh sister, I will help you out Oh, if the sky comes falling down For you, there's nothing in this world I wouldn't do

Twin Skeleton's (Hotel In NYC) - Fall Out Boy Both Juno and Nureyev trying to fill the emptiness of their past.

Keep making trouble 'til you find what you love I need a new partner in crime and you, you shrug that There's a room in a hotel in New York City That shares our fate and deserves our pity I don't want to remember it all The promises I made if you just hold on Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

Ruin - The Amazing Devil They ruin one another in the best fucking way. And being left alone? Remembering their time together.

Because brick by brick you built us And I'd fill in the cracks Nothing quite prepares you for When they don't come back I wish I'd done things different I wish that I'd been brave I wish I'd known these stones were something I could save

Metaphor - The Crane Wives Nureyev who thinks he's only a liar and is better at loving dead people than alive people.

I keep my closet free of skeletons 'Cause I'm much better at digging graves But I always dig up bones in your sympathy I can't trust a single thing you say

Brother - Kodaline Benten and Juno and what could've been with them. Ride or die. (Also Steliana and Nureyev. Don't @ me.)

We're living different lives Heaven only knows If we'll make it back with all our fingers and our toes Five years, twenty years, come back It will always be the same, oh-oh, oh-oh If I was dying on my knees You would be the one to rescue me And if you were drowned at sea I'd give you my lungs so you could breathe

A Message - Coldplay S1/S5 parallel feels.

Your heavy heart Is made of stone And it's so hard to see you clearly You don't have to be on your own You don't have to be on your own And I'm not gonna take it back And I'm not gonna say I don't mean that You're the target that I'm aiming at Can I get that message home?

Fool & The Thief - THE HARA Nureyev thinks he's a fool! He's stealing things, he's stealing time, he's foolish for loving.

The smile don't mean I'm fine It's just my disguise Laugh through gritted teeth Good at faking that I'm fine The mirror that I speak to Has a thousand eyes I get all the attention but they don't know the truth Imposter in my heavy head tells me what to do This 2am anxiety Pumps a hole straight through my chest

Honey and Glass - Peyton Cardoza How Nureyev sees Juno. They're in love your honor.

And she's dancing in the rain with her clothes on Drenched to the bone, never knows when she´s all gone But she's the life of the party and deep down I know That nobody flinches when she takes off her clothes And I wonder what's it like to be one of those girls To sit in the sun, and look at the world and never think "Wow, am I enough"

Becoming the Lastnames - Will Wood Domesticity arc. Espeeeecially in my belief that Nureyev dreams of it. Also Juno allowing himself to want it?

I'm not sure yet myself, but I learned from a good father Yeah, I mean, sure, they messed me up, but I think that's just the gig And maybe it's just some hormones that kick in in your late twenties But I have laid a lot of women, and now I'd like to just lay down And marriage always scared me, but I'd like to have a last love And love can last a pretty good long while, yeah, I've seen it around But if we grow old together, will you talk to my headstone? That is, assuming that I die first (which is fair) and assuming I don't leave Close enough to forever, I guess, to prove what I hope I mean, otherwise, how am I to believe?

Shiver - Mike Waters Nureyev who was willing to give away everything for Juno and Juno still left him. He probably thinks about that a lot in the next year.

But I don’t need excuses And I don’t need your love And I’m a little dumb And I’m a little stupid for speaking from my heart And I’m a little numb 'cause I could hear your footsteps When you left last night

Foolish Believer - Broadside Nureyev who thinks he's not whole but that Juno can somehow fill that for him. He needs to do the work later. Get your character development arc bro.

I can't shake the feeling All the world is just a stage And everybody's acting Hoping that the crowd will numb the pain So here goes another line from a fading light I need your love 'cause I've sold all mine Don't walk away

[ange1s]

cherry emoji - mark lee

synopsis: in which mark asks to see your boobs, and the idea you had of your relationship is thrown up in the air.

wc: 3.6k

genre: this is so fluffy it hurts, some angst but nothing crazy

tw: suggestive themes (boobs), swearing

playlist: pluto projector by rex orange county, ivy by frank ocean, tapestry by bruno major

a/n: guess whos back ,, back again ,,, ange1s back ,,, tell a friend,,,, also this is unedited so i'm sorry if theres a mistake :')

my anon asks are open !! feel free to ask me anything or request something <3

“i have a weird question.” mark says timidly. you’re sat on the floor, your back against his bed playing a rhythm game on your phone. he is sat at his desk, parallel to his bed, but with the rolling chair swivelled around to face you straight ahead. you don’t look up.

“hmm.” you hum, focused on the game.

mark swallows. “can i see your boobs?”

you drop your phone into your lap, forgetting about the game. you look up at him, straight into his eyes, and you giggle.

“wait, what?”

mark avoids your eyes almost fearfully, as if you were a detective questioning him for a crime. “can i see your boobs?” softer, this time.

you let out a shallow laugh. “don’t you watch porn? there are boobs there.”

mark blushes. “no! i mean, yes i do, but not real boobs.”

you cross your arms under your boobs on purpose, just to push them up a little higher to drive him nuts. mark sits back in his chair in frustration.

“so you think women aren’t real? that all boobs in porn are fake? jeez mark i thought you cared about women-“

“no! that’s not what i meant!” he says, exasperated. he continues to avoid eye contact with you. “of course i don’t think-“

you laugh again, keeling over. “relax mark, i know you don’t think all women are plastic.”

“look, there’s nothing wrong with being plastic, women can do whatever they-“ mark speaks quickly and nervously as if he were on trial.

“shut up minhyung,” you cut him off with a softer, more serious tone. “why do you want to see my boobs? you’re famous and cute. you could instantly find boobs wherever you go.”

he chuckles. “the word boob is so funny.”

“not the point, minhyung!”

he leans back over, the embarrassment slowly washing away. “stop calling me minhyung!”

“never, minhyung!” you retort without even thinking. you stand up to sit on his bed, now at eye level with him. “now, explain.”

“i… i dunno. i’ve just never seen boobs before. like, in person.”

you look directly at him, brain not even thinking anymore. words just fly out of your mouth with ease. “were you breastfed?”

“y/n!” he exclaims out of frustration. the embarrassment fizzles back in. he throws his head to the back of his chair and covers his eyes with his palm dramatically. he runs his hand down his face, tugging on the soft skin as it travels down. as his hand makes it back down to his lap, you giggle a little louder. “my mom’s boobs don’t fucking count. god, you made me think of my mom’s boobs. what the fuck?”

“sorry,” you manage in between giggles. “sorry, this is so funny.”

“this is impossible. i knew i shouldn’t have asked you.” mark pulls himself out of the chair and heads for the door, but you’re just as fast as him.

“now wait…” you grab his wrist to keep him from leaving. a wave of guilt washes over you. “i was just kidding.”

“were you? you didn’t sound like you were.” he says, his face still turned away from yours.

he sounds strangely hurt. “mark, are you okay?”

mark turns to face you and he looks defeated. he slumps down on the floor next to you, his knees up near his chest and his head in his hands.

“mark…”

“they were making fun of me.”

“who?”

“my friends! they were making fun of me. god, i sound like such an idiot now, whining about my friends like this, oh my god. i sound like a child.”

you rest your elbow on his shoulder giving your hand access to run through his soft, black hair. “you don’t sound like a child. you’re allowed to get upset.”

you take note at how the air shifted in the room. how quickly you focused and listened. you’re only like this around mark. with him, conversations can shift in an instant to anything. you understand each other on a deep, personal level. it’s something you don’t think you’ll ever have with another person for your entire life. maybe your soulmate. honestly? you can only dream to have this sort of connection with your soulmate, a connection so alive and so full of trust. is it even possible to have this with someone else? the fact that mark can make you think about how much he trusts you during a conversation about boobs is something only mark can make you feel. no one else. just him.

has it always been just him?

“it’s so stupid though. one minute lucas is bugging me about the fact that i’m a virgin and i’ve never seen boobs before and the next minute i’m on the floor of my bedroom with you, still not having seen any boobs mind you, nearly crying. damn. this is the lowest point i will ever reach.”

you push his hands away from his face and place your hands on his cheeks instead. “mark, please don’t cry. i hate it when you cry.”

the last time you saw mark cry was a month ago after watching a disney movie. seeing him cry just makes you cry, and since you were already crying, you just cried harder. seeing you cry makes him cry too, so he cried harder as well. the two of you just cried together until your heads hurt, to which you both took tylenols and tried to dance it off.

“i’m pathetic. insecure and pathetic.”

this is when you realize that there is more depth to his feelings than you thought.

“look, mark, i’ll show you my boobs. i trust you. i’m honestly surprised you haven’t seen them accidentally yet since i’ve known you for so long.” you chuckled, trying to lighten the mood. didn‘t work. “but i get the feeling that there’s more to this then just boobs.”

mark never really vented to you like this before. despite how close you are, he still kept things from you growing up, as a teenage boy does. you never took offense to this, as you kept plenty from him too. he never quite talked about his insecurities, his fears. he didn’t want to burden you with them. mark, so sweet and thoughtful. maybe too much for his own good. he needs to learn to share things.

he's starting to, though.

it takes him a while to speak, avoiding your eyes entirely. he speaks lowly, as if he was scared to tell the world what he was about to say.

“it’s just… everything about this sucks. everything. i’m kinda scared to tell you things, which can make us drift apart because we lose trust. then again, if i do tell you things, i’m scared it’ll freak you out and i’ll lose you. those are both bad endings. then, i’m scared to put myself out into the world. like, lucas is telling me to just find someone. go out, ask for a number, have a good time, live like someone in their 20s should be living. i can’t really do it though. every time i try, i choke. lucas once tried to set me up, you remember that, right?”

“yeah, that was the girl who stood you up.”

“yeah. it’s awful. every time i try it fails. i’ve been trying to get to the bottom of why it fails every single time but i just couldn’t. but then, i realized.” he shifts and faces you causing your hands to fall off his face and into your lap. “when i came home after being stood up, i wasn’t sad. i forgot the moment i left the restaurant. i texted lucas that the date didn’t happen and just shut my phone off and went to your place. i wasn’t sad because i knew i had you. i knew that you were going to make me feel better and that made it all go away.” he pauses. “you know? sometimes i get worried that i put too much on you. you’re my happiness, my relaxation, my joy. i worry sometimes that you’ll suffocate because i take so much from being with you. i keep this in the back of my head all the time because i just don’t want you to go. ever.”

holy shit.

“mark…”

“let me finish. i talked about this with lucas, and he told me that i can let myself be selfish sometimes. he said that i can want this that… that i can want you. i can think about you and how you make me happy and i can want that happiness yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and the day after. shit, i care about you more than anything. my heart swells and my stomach gets all these annoying little butterflies when i think of you. it’s fucking crazy. and now, today, here i am. you know, lucas, jaemin and i were talking about girls and boobs and fuck i don’t know, jaemin said that i just had to get that intimacy with someone. and it just fucking clicked. the only person i want to be intimate with is you and i’m thinking now that maybe i was stupid for asking to see your boobs. which is so stupid, i could’ve just asked to kiss you or share a bed with you or i don’t know. i’m really sorry if that was gross of me. i just wasn’t thinking. it’s so damn hard to think straight when it comes to you. i just really want to be closer to you, however that might be.”

your heart races at a speed that doctors would deem impossible. you don’t know what to think or where to look. you feel like you’re going to explode. though, if you explode, he’ll probably explode too. that wouldn’t be good.

mark looks down. he fills with regret. he doesn’t think he should've said that. maybe you'll hate him now. maybe you’ve never felt this way about him before.

you inhale slowly, trying to convince your lungs that breathing is normal and not something that can just stop when hearing speeches like this.

what is the proper thing to say? mark i love you? but do you love him? everything is so confusing right now. of course you love him, but you never considered love in this way. can i kiss you? too forward? but he wants intimacy, and you want it too. i feel the same way? boring. you can do better. mark, and his way with words. so beautiful. how do you compete? mark, you’re beautiful. mark is so beautiful. you try so hard to compose the words. maybe too hard. maybe it’s okay to go with option 3.

now, they just flow out. “mark… i think i feel the same way you do. i don’t know it’s just- i’ve always felt some sort of way toward you. something is so special about you. i spent years trying to decipher it, thinking it was just something platonic or brotherly or i dunno. i just never considered… this. i don’t even know what to call this. but it feels right. you’ve always felt right.”

he has. and he always will. he looks at you so lovingly, his enamoured gaze stuck on you. you can’t look up at him, but he watches you.

you continue. “fuck, i don’t know what to say. i’m so… god.” you run your fingers through your hair, as if to comb your brain in search for the right words. “i think you’re so beautiful. everything about you. and i’m so fucking grateful to have someone as amazing as you in my life. i don’t know what i did to deserve someone like you, and i feel like i really don’t deserve you. but it feels right. to be with you. to be alone with you. it’s just right.”

you let a little tear trickle down your cheek. you know if you look up at him, you’ll probably cry harder. you know this well, yet you look up.

“i don’t know what i did to deserve you either.” mark sighs. it’s his turn to wipe your tears now.

“so… what is this? what… are we?” you ask, melting into his hand, which somehow feels softer on your face.

“i don’t know. we can be whatever you want us to be.”

you playfully punch his shoulder, his hands sliding off your cheeks. “come on, you know i hate it when you say that.”

he gets defensive. “and you know i hate it when you hit me! you have a strong hand, yanno? shit!”

you laugh at him, clearing the last unwanted tear off your cheek with the pad of your thumb. “what can i say? gained strength from all those pillow fights over the years.”

“yeah, pillow fights i won.”

“shut up! you know i won the one at jeno’s party!”

mark laughs aloud. your favourite sound. “yeah, because everyone was drunk and you were still on your second drink. it was a very unevenly matched fight!”

“i still won!” you cross your arms and sit up straight as if you assert dominance over the conversation. who are you kidding? it’s all a joke anyways.

you crack after a moment and both of you erupt in a fit of giggles. his head falls into the crook of your neck, and it feels right. it’s almost as if your skin buzzed. you don’t know why, he’s done this many times before. but now, it’s different. the air has shifted again, so quickly. only with mark.

when he comes off of your neck, you stand up. you walk up to the door of his room, and lock it.

“y/n, what-“

you sit on his bed. “can’t have someone walk in while you’re ogling at my boobs, right? i know you and you’d never be able to live that down.”

mark is quick to stand up in defence. “what? no, we don’t have to do that anymore. i said my piece and im over the boob thing and-“

“shut up mark. you know you want to. and i kinda wanna show you too.”

he sits down on the bed across from you without another word but before either of you can move, he speaks again. “wait, kinda? please don’t feel obligated. only do this if you’re-“

“minhyung, please! i want to, ok? i really appreciate how you’re taking care of me but it’s fine. i trust you, and you trust me, right?”

he swallows hard. “right.”

“okay, perfect.” you pull your shirt off over your head, leaving you in your bra. if this was with any other boy, you’d be self conscious about literally everything: the bra you chose, the shape of your body, the hair in the places you let grow out. with mark, none of it matters now. he’s seen you in bathing suits before, this isn’t much different. and knowing how much he cares for you anyways, you know his head is clouded with praise and nothing less. his brain is working so fast right now, he probably won’t even register any imperfections.

“can i take your bra off?” mark sputters out as if he were holding onto the words for hours. “or wait, fuck-“

“yes, you can.”

he is almost shocked at your answer, and it shows. mark’s hands move slowly, his skin slightly cold as he grazes your skin. he leans in unbelievably close to wrap his arms around you to reach your back. he feels your breath on his chin, and your beautiful eyes look so sweet as you look up at him. when he finds the clasp, he kisses your nose as he pulls away, your bra coming back with him. you straighten your arms so the straps fall right off, showing your boobs.

mark is shocked. flabbergasted, even. his jaw almost drops in a shameless, teenaged boy way.

“dang. they’re so cute.”

you scoff. “cute? first boobs of your life and all you have to say is cute?”

“well what else can i say? i am not very well versed in the vast vocabulary that exists to describe your boobs.” he chuckles. “jeez, why is the word boob so fucking funny?”

you can’t help but smile timidly alongside him. that is what mark does, he makes you feel safe no matter what the situation. mark is always worried about you, worried if you are feeling comfortable and if you are okay with what is going on. he never wants things to be tense when you are around, because he hates to see you upset.

right now, you are the opposite of upset.

“y/n,” he brings your attention back to him. you hum in response. “can i touch?”

you freeze for a moment, and nod timidly. mark scoots a little bit closer, and reaches out with his right hand to gently cup your left breast. his hand is warm, and your skin needs a second to adjust to his temperature. he squeezes the flesh in the absolute slightest way, and quickly brings his hand back. he laughs almost exasperated.

“oh my god, it’s squishy? boobs are squishy?! why did that never register in my head?” he laughs loudly, as if he had just discovered something monumental.

“you’re just finding out now? oh my god mark, that’s common knowledge!”

mark looks down, his cheeks red from laughing. “dang, i’m so touch starved that i never knew until now that boobs are squishy. insanity.”

“the more you bring it up, the sadder it gets.” you reply.

he looks up at you with scrunched eyebrows. “don’t be mean. can i touch again?”

“yes, you can.”

mark cups your left boob with his right hand again, this time running his thumb softly over the supple skin. he doesn’t know what his limits are yet. can he go further? can he touch other parts of your boobs? can he touch other parts of your body? he is scared of going too fast and scaring you. mark is doing his very best today to be as careful as possible, as this is probably, remarkably, the best day of his life so far.

he pushes his index finger into your boob gently to poke it, and you laugh softly. at this point, you are just looking down at mark’s hand on your body. honestly, the fact that he isn’t doing anything is almost relaxing.

you look at how slowly his finger moves, like your skin is made up of the most delicate material in the world. he holds you with such care, such control. it is a feeling you want to feel again, and again, and again.

mark inhales slowly. he wants to go further. he wants more. he doesn’t know how you feel yet, but he will wait for you every step of the way.

but just as he opens his mouth, he hears a thud on his door. “mark hyung, we’re home! is y/n here? come eat with us!”

you both jump, as jaemin’s loud voice destroys the entire atmosphere. mark turns a cute shade of pink almost immediately, and takes his hand off of your skin. you are surprised at first, but lose all tension as you watch mark’s reaction. the poor boy is so embarrassed, but even more upset at how shortly your time was cut off. you laugh as he grabs your bra and tries to put it back on you. unfortunately, he cannot figure out how to close the back shut.

“i’m here! we’ll be there in a sec.” you shout, sparing mark from saying something stupid. you clip your bra straps together, and pull your shirt back on.

mark looks upset. “i’m so sorry they cut us off. they were supposed to be out all day, fuck. i’m sorry-”

“mark, baby, it’s okay. you didn’t know. besides, this isn’t ending here.”

mark looks up at you. “baby?”

“oh gosh, i don’t know where that came from. i’m sorry.”

“no no, its cute. i like it. baby. it just…”

“makes sense?”

he nods. “yeah. this makes sense. it really does.”

mark’s heart pounds in his chest as he takes your hands in his. today, they feel softer, warmer. he inhales sharply once again, hoping this time jaemin doesn’t break his door down, or something of the sort.

his thumb does the thing again, rubbing your skin gently. “y/n, i don’t want to be friends anymore. i think we are more than friends.”

you smile. “i do too. this makes sense.”

mark feels like he is going to explode. that would be bad though, because if he exploded, you would too. that wouldn’t be good for anyone.

“so i guess you’re my girlfriend now.”

you giggle softly. “that sounds so much better than best friend.”

“dang, it kinda does, doesn’t it?”

you let go of his hands and climb off his bed. he follows instantly after you do. right before you go to unlock the door, mark takes your hand once again, and turns you to face him.

you heart races as you lock eyes with him. you cannot believe everything that happened today. how your best friend, who you’d known for your whole life, confessed everything he felt for you, and poked your boobs mere minutes after. and that’s okay, because that’s mark. your mark.

“do we have to go down? i really want to see your boobs again.”

you lean over and place a kiss on his cheek, which causes him to lose his train of thought completely. “you’ll see them again soon, i promise. but if we don’t go down, jaemin will come upstairs and try opening your door. you know him, he’ll freak out when he sees that it’s locked. we’d get found out before we even have a chance to start.”

mark sighs. “fine. no more boobs today. guess i’ll just have to suffer without your boobs in my hands. shit, how am i going to survive?”

you unlock the door, and twist the handle. “well baby, i guess you’ll have to figure it out.”

[watchyourbluesturngolden]

the shrooms cafe

part 1- watermelon tea with strawberry boba

hello everyone 🥺 this is the first series i've ever done so i'm a little nervous but i'm so excited because I really like this story!!!

this is the first part, and I have literally no idea how long it will be because I don't have a solid plan/outline yet! so feel free to send little concepts or things you would like to see included 🥺 i can't guarantee they will be added but i'll definitely try my best :)

shrooms cafe masterlist

my masterlist

warnings: none

word count: 2k

"Stella, we have to leave in 10 minutes!" You called up the stairs. "Come down so you can eat breakfast!" "Yeah Stella, hurry up!" Seraphina yelled from her spot at the dining table. She was finishing up her fruit loops with a grin on her face. "You're going to make us late!" As the youngest, she often liked to bother her sisters. She was only five, just starting kindergarten, but she was already a master at getting under their skin.

"Sera, don't antagonize your sister, please," you reminded her. "She's not going to make us late." Sophie rolled her eyes. "Seraphina, you're so immature." Despite only being 11, Sophie was clearly the mother hen. You sometimes joked that the girls didn't even need you; Sophie would take on the role of their mother with no problem. "Besides, you were the one who made us late yesterday." "It's not my fault I couldn't find my purple socks. What was I supposed to do?" "Maybe wear different socks?" Sophie suggested smugly. "You know I need my purple socks, otherwise I can't write my words!" Sophie rolled her eyes again. "You don't need a certain color socks to write." "Yes I do!" You smiled to yourself, turning back to the fridge as the two bickered. You pulled out the ingredients you would need to make their lunches, then reached up on your tiptoes to get their lunch bags from the top of fridge. "Okay girls, what kind of sandwiches do you want today?" "Peanut butter and jelly!" Seraphina said excitedly. "Why did I even ask?" You smiled. "And Sophie?" "Turkey please, but I can make it myself," She said, sliding off her chair and bringing the breakfast dishes to the sink. "Thank you, love," you said, leaning over to kiss the top of her head. "You are such a big help in the mornings, I don't know what I would do without you." "You would have a real handful dealing with those two," She said matter-of-factly. "That I would," you laughed, handing her a butter knife. "Stella!" you called again. The 8 year old came running down the stairs, carrying her backpack and another bag. "Did you forget I have dance today?" "I did not forget," you reassured her. She liked to plan things, and got worried quickly if she wasn't kept in the loop. "I'll pick you up at the door by the playground, does that work?" "Actually, I was wondering if I could walk today? A bunch of my friends do, and I feel kind of weird having my mom drop me off." "That should be fine," You nodded. "But stay with the group, don't go off by yourself." "I won't," she groaned, rolling her eyes. "You're so overprotective." "Oh yes, I'm so sorry for trying to keep you safe," you laughed. "Now what do you want for lunch?" Once everything was ready, the four of you made your way out to the car. Stella climbed into the back, and Sophie helped Seraphina get buckled. Even though the three of them bickered a lot (as sisters often do) it wasn't hard to see how much they loved each other. "Everybody buckled?" You asked, looking behind you. When you heard a chorus of confirmation, you started your playlist and smiled when the opening notes of Adore You filtered through the speakers. It was easily one of your favorite songs, and the girls liked it just as much as you did. It wasn't a long drive to the cafe; it took about 15 minutes if traffic was good. The girls' school bus stopped about a block away, so they walked there together every morning. Then after school, they would come back to the shop and read books or finish homework until it was time to close up and go home. You parked in the lot behind the shop, helping the girls out of the car and making sure they had all their things. Seraphina held out her hand, and Stella grabbed it to help her jump over a puddle on the sidewalk. Sophie gasped excitedly. "I think that was the biggest jump you've ever done!" The girls promptly launched into a discussion about who could jump farther as you unlocked the door. As soon as it was open, they made their way over to the mushrooms to find some books for the day. Their voices filled the shop as they chatted about school and the cute boy Stella liked and the kitten they had seen outside their house the other day. You went about your morning duties, flipping on the lights and starting up the coffee machine. You also turned on the oven, preparing to bake the muffins. (They were frozen- who has the time to bake them fresh? Certainly not a mother of 3.) Once the kitchen was ready, you went over to the radio and tuned it to a familiar station, the soft

music adding some pleasant background noise. "Okay girls, it's time to get to the bus stop," you said, leaning over the counter to speak to them. "Don't forget, I'm walking to dance," Stella said, pointing at you as she walked to the door. "I won't forget," you said, pointing back at her. "Have a good day!" "Bye mom," Seraphina waved her small hand at you. "Bye honey, bye Sophia," You smiled, blowing a kiss to the three of them. "See you later!" Once the three of them were gone, you went around to the shelves and straightened up, getting ready for your first customers.

-----

After the lunch rush had dwindled down and the shop was nearly empty again, you were getting ready to go on your lunch break. You had just leaned down to grab a sandwich from the deli case when the bell above the door jingled, alerting you that a new customer had come in. You straightened up, your eyes going wide when you realized who it was, but you quickly fixed your face and smiled. "Welcome to the Shrooms Cafe!" "Hello," the man smiled back, speaking in a deep British accent. "I saw your sign for boba tea, and I've been looking everywhere to find some. You're the third shop I've been to today, so I'm really hoping you're not sold out like everywhere else," he grinned, coming closer to the counter. "No, we're not out! What kind did you want?" You asked. "Um... probably should have thought about that before I came in," he laughed nervously, looking at the menu above your head. "Oh, don't worry about it, we're not busy right now," you said reassuringly. “Take all the time you need.” He smiled gratefully, stepping off to the side while he read the menu. Meanwhile, you fidgeted with towels and wiped off the work surfaces and tried to pretend you weren’t staring at him. Who could blame you, really? Harry Styles had just walked into your coffee shop. Who wouldn’t stare? “I think…” he spoke again, breaking you out of your trance. “I’ll do the watermelon tea, with strawberry boba, please.” You nodded, laughing lightly. He quirked one eyebrow, smiling along with you. “What’s funny?” “Oh, no, it’s just… of course you would order the one with watermelon.” “Oh,” he smiled, and you thought you detected a hint of a blush on his cheeks. “I guess I do have a bit of a reputation with fruit, don’t I?” “Just a little,” you grinned. “One watermelon tea with strawberry boba, coming right up.” After ringing up the order, you quickly got to work. Instead of his real name, you wrote “watermelon man” on the sticker on the cup. Hopefully he would appreciate your little joke. “Here you are,” you smiled. “I hope it’s good, seeing as you worked so hard to find some.” “I’m sure it’ll be amazing,” he laughed, grabbing a straw from beside the cash register. You also noticed he had dropped a generous tip into the jar, probably while you had been busy making the drink. “Have a nice day,” you smiled. “You as well,” he said with a small wave before he made his way out the door, sipping his drink as he went. You sighed, shaking your head with a small grin as you grabbed the sandwich from earlier and went to a table for your lunch break.

-----

“Hi mom!” Sophie yelled, holding open the door for Seraphina. “Hi girls!” You called from the back corner of the shop. “I’m by the mushrooms!” The girls quickly found you, Seraphia hugging you and Sophie situating herself on one of the short stools. “How was your day?” You asked. “Good! I gave my report on monarch butterflies and guess what Mrs. Wilson said?” Sophie asked, leaning forward. “What did she say?” “She said it was the best report she had heard all day. She waited until the other kids left so they wouldn’t feel bad, but still,” she said proudly. “Oh wow! I’m so proud of you,” you said, moving over to hug her. “What did I tell you? You can do anything you put your mind to,” you smiled. “Including writing the best report in the whole class, hmm?” She nodded happily before turning away from you to pull a book off the shelf closest to her. “Which one are you starting now?” You asked, leaning over her shoulder to see the book she had. “Anne of Green Gables,” she said. “Oh, I loved those books when I was your age,” you smiled. “I think you’ll really like them.”

She nodded, already immersed in the book. You turned back to Seraphina, who was pulling her folder out of her backpack. “And how was your day, miss Seraphina?” “It was so good, look!” She handed you a paper with two gold stars at the top. “My teacher gave me two gold stars. She said my writing was very good!"

"All that practicing we did must have worked, then!" you said, beaming as you looked at her letters. They were still wobbly, but a huge improvement over how they had been at the beginning of the school year.

She nodded. "And then I colored this picture for you!” She handed you another page. This one had a drawing of you holding hands with her, Sophie, and Stella. The three of you had big smiles and lots of adorable little details. Stella had her hair in a bun and was wearing ballet shoes. Sophie was holding a book in her free hand. Seraphina had drawn herself wearing a shirt with a cat (her favorite animal) on it, and she was wearing her purple socks. Lastly, there was you, holding a cup of coffee and wearing a shirt with a big red heart on it. “Since you like coffee so much,” she explained. “It's beautiful,” you smiled, hugging her. “We’ll hang it on the fridge when we get home, okay?” “Okay,” she agreed. “Why don’t you find a book and read with Sophie for a little bit? We have just over an hour, then we have to go get Stella from dance.” She nodded, handing you the papers and her backpack before running over to the shelves. She grabbed a picture book, settling into the red cushion in the tree and beginning to flip through the pages.

----- “Alright girls, it’s time to pick up Stella,” you said as you wiped off the counter one last time. You had already turned off all the machines and packed up everything else for the day. You flipped the lights off on the way out, smiling a bit when you saw the hand painted sign for boba tea in the window. Harry came into your mind again, with his easy smile, his kind words, and his blushing laugh. You really hoped you would see him again, even though you knew you probably wouldn't. Your shop wasn't very big or well known. How likely was it for him to come to the same little shop in the middle of London again? Still, it didn’t hurt to hope. Maybe he would decide to try the other flavors and stop in again. Your smile spread even further when you started your playlist and Lights Up was the first song to come on. Apparently, it was going to be hard to forget about him.

[smoooothoperator]

untouchable

17: Chanson Triste

Lando Norris x OC (Violet Sinclair)

same group friend, unrequited love, acquittances to lovers, ski trip, love triangle, life as lovers

Warnings: death, cemetery, angst

a/n: I'm back!!!! God, you guys have no idea how much I missed Violet and Lando, I was so excited while writing this chapter. I hope everyone is doing amazing, having good days. I came from a really really needed break and from a trip I was so excited to make, and with a lot of ideas for this story. But here you have some bad news... I can see the end of this story! Is not close yet, some things have to happen, but that means too that THE chapter is coming :)

Masterlist

Official Playlist

previous chapter | next chapter

If you want to be tagged don't forget to message me!

Every way of feedback is very welcomed

I knew I was going to be in the mouth of everyone. Dating him, a well known driver in Europe that drives for the second most famous team of the world, would mean that my social media would be full of notifications, of people sending requests of following, of attempts of messages. I knew that once we landed back in London, people would recognize us and follow us. 

But I have to love the present. I have to keep being who I am, I can't show a weakness because they would be attacking it immediately. If I want to be with Lando, I have to fight against the odds to make them see that I don't care what people say about me.

“I don't want to leave tomorrow…” I sighed, laying on the bed and looking through the window, observing the pyramids.

“Me neither” I heard him sigh, laying on his side and kissing my arm. “Maybe we can stay some more days…”

“You know we can't” I sighed looking at him, smiling weakly. “My worry is growing and I need to see Eloise. I'm really worried, she's not answering my texts or calls…”

“Did you call her parents too?” he smiled weakly, rubbing my back softly. 

“They decline my calls…” I whisper, sadly. “I just… What if she's really mad at me because I chose to stay with you instead of talking with her? I mean, I did explain to her why I did that, what happened… But she didn't answer, just left me on read”

“It will be okay, love” Lando sighed, kissing my shoulder. “You want me to go with you? So we can talk with her and explain to her…”

“I don't know, I think I want to do it alone” I smiled weakly. “We have to talk, many things have happened since last time I saw her and I just want to have some time alone with her”

“I understand” he nodded, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me to his chest. 

“You are the best” I smiled, kissing his lips softly, cupping his jaw with my hand. “You know, I think we broke the internet some days ago”

“Oh, yeah. I know” he laughed, making me smile when I felt his chest move with his laugh. “My manager texted me saying that people just went crazy, kinda”

“I just… I don't want to be like those girlfriends that are models and influencers” I said. “I mean, they are perfect. Every time I talked with some of them I felt like an outlander, kinda. They just dressed with important brands like Gucci, Dior, Tommy Hilfiger… and the most expensive clothing I have is a dress I bought for a gala in the museum, and it's nothing compared to what they wore”

“I know you are not like them, Violet” he said, kissing my head. “And that's what I love about you. You are natural, careless. You are like a breath of fresh air for me, really. You keep my feet in the ground”

“That's cute” I smile looking up at him. “I just… I guess I want to be worth it? Yesterday I read some of the comments of the posts and they kept repeating that finally there's a girlfriend that is not famous. Like, I'm normal, I guess. Not an influencer, not an athlete, not a model”

“And that's perfect, really” he smiled. 

“But that made them think that I want you for your money” I smiled weakly. “I mean, if they say that, I can just take a screenshot of my bank account and show the money I have. But that's not what I was saying…”

“I just imagined you posting on Instagram that screenshot with a caption like… I'm not poor, I have a job. Go mind your own business” he interrupted me laughing, making me laugh too. 

“You and I both know that I'm capable of doing that” I laugh. “But what I was saying! Why are they so determined to say that every girlfriend is with their partner just because of money and fame? Why can't they think that it is because of something else, like love?”

“Because… I don't know” he sighed, brushing my hair with his fingers. “I guess they want drama, gossip. They think that a love story is not dramatic or important for a driver. They just want to make and believe their own narrative and take things out of context”

“That kinda sucks” I whisper.

“It does, yeah…” he sighed. “But I don't care about what they think. I only care that after every race I'll have someone waiting for me. I made many mistakes before, like letting them get in my mind and make me push away people that cared for me. I won't make the same mistake again, I will fight for us”

“I love you, Lando” I smiled, hugging him tight. 

“Tomorrow I will take you to a place before we leave” he said. “So I want you to take that white dress you bought the other day at the market”

“Are you going to propose?” I laughed. “Isn't that a little soon? I don't know, wait for next year maybe. We have been dating for a week!”

“No, silly!” he laughed. “But I'll keep that in mind”

“Idiot” I laughed softly.

He just held me, both of us watching the pyramids before falling asleep in each other's arms.

The next morning, after I woke up I grabbed my phone, checking if I had any answer from Eloise. But like the last few days, I didn't have messages from her.

“I'm sure she's fine, Violet” I heard Landon whisper, kissing my shoulder. 

“It's just… I feel something is wrong. We never have been this long without talking. I just want her to send me whatever…” I whispered.

I heard Lando sigh and wrapping his arms around me tightly, making me take a deep breath and close my eyes, getting comfortable in his arms.

The next morning he woke me up, peppering soft kisses all over my shoulders and neck, rubbing his hand over my back in soft circles. His smile was the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes, making me answer him the same way.

“Good morning, beautiful” he whispered, making me chuckle softly and hide my face on his bare chest, pressing a soft kiss on his skin. “Ready to do one last visit?”

“Mhm” I nodded, wrapping my arm around him. 

We just got up and while the room service came with our breakfast, we put out clothes back in the suitcases, making sure they were ready and sent to the reception so we don't have to come back before leaving. 

I looked at the white dress, smiling. I have no idea what he wants to do, where are we going now. But somehow I was excited about it, I was excited because I saw him excited about being in this place. I'm excited because he was so interested in things I like. He looked at me with a smile while he nodded, paying attention to everything I explained to him. And it made me fall even more for him, if that was possible.

“You ready?” he smiled, watching how I tied my hair on a braid after hanging my bag on my shoulder. “Let's go”

I laugh softly, walking out with him and going to the main door of the hotel. A van was waiting for us, ready to take us to the place he planned to go. He held my hand all the time, rubbing soft circles on my knuckles.

“Where are we going?” I asked him, resting my head on his shoulder.

“You'll see” he whispered. “Just be patient, we are close”

I laugh softly and nod, looking out of the window and enjoying the land that surrounded us. After a few minutes, the car stopped.

“Let's go” he smiled, opening the door and getting out of the car before me.

I smiled at him, holding his hand as he helped me get out of the van. I looked around surprised, recognizing this place.

“No you didn't” I laughed softly.

“Oh yeah” he smirked, hiding my hand tightly and walking with me. “You know what this temple means?”

“It's Hathor’s temple” I nodded, looking around and smiling. “Egyptian goddess of the sky, music, joy, dance and love”

“And you told me that she was associated with Isis, right?” he said, wrapping his arm around me. “The goddess of the loyalty and the maternal love”

“Mhm” I nodded.

“Well, I want to make a promise, in front of her” he said, holding my hand and stopping right in front of one of the many statues of the goddess.

“Lando” I laughed softly, watching how he grabbed something from the pocket of his jeans, making me swallow the lump and laugh nervously. 

“I want to promise you that I will treat you how you deserve to be treated. I promise that I will never hurt you or touch you when you don't want to. I promise that I will never make you cry. I promise that I will be only thinking about you, when I wake up, during the day and at night. I promise to cherish you and make you happy and fight whoever dares to make you feel sad”

“Lando…” I smiled softly, feeling my eyes getting wet when I saw him open his hand, showing me a silver ring with two small rocks placed next to the other.

“This is my promise. I'll give you this ring to seal my promise of loving you forever. You owe my heart since the day I first saw you” he said while he put the ring on my ring finger. “This ring has our birthstones, together. Because I really think that we were born to be together, that you are my soulmate, Violet. And now that I found you I will never let you go. I won't leave you”

His words sank in my heart, filling my chest with a warm flame he only knows how to turn on. His touch is delicate, how he holds my hand while I admire the beautiful ring with both stones, topaz and and tanzanite, together.

“Idiot, you are going to make me cry and you just promised me that you won't make me do it” I laughed softly, wiping the little tears of joy that were running down my cheeks. 

“Come here” he laughed, wrapping his arms around me, holding me close to him, heart by heart.

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mclaren it was so nice having you during the testings and the launch with us!

violetsinclair you won't get rid of me easily 

Driving through the road that takes me to my childhood village was bittersweet. The first year I was away for my studies I was excited to come back and finally be on my childhood bed with my family again, but as years went by, that feeling started to disappear and it turned more into an obligation rather than something I used to do for pleasure.

Once my life was in order after coming back from the trip with Lando and both of us got used to living around the other, I took some days off from work and forced myself to grab my car and drive home. 

The past few days I tried to call Eloise again, as well as her family. But again, none of them answered. She only has her parents, her family is not as big as mine with grandparents that are still alive, uncles and aunts and cousins. That's why she always loved to spend time at my house during holidays, because she had more people around besides her parents.

As I drove past the signal that indicated the main entry of the village, I saw a few flowers on the ground, as well as marks of rubber of the tires that lead to the side of the road. And watching that made me feel shivers running down my spine.

When I parked my car in front of my house I looked at the house next to it, to her house. The light of her room is turned off, even the curtains are closed. Her car is not parked next to the garage.

If she's not here, then where?

I sigh, walking towards the main door of her house and pressing the doorbell, sighing when I noticed the lights were turned off.

“Hello? Eloise, I want to talk!”

Seconds later the door opened, and my smile dropped when I found her mother looking at me. I was surprised to find her wearing dark clothes, always used to see her wearing bright and neutral colors. Her gaze is not even the same, and the smile she always drew when I came to their house is no longer there.

“What are you doing here?” she frowned, her voice sounding rougher than I expected. “You are not welcomed here anymore”

“What? But… Jane, I want to talk with Eloise… I-”

“Leave this house now! You already did enough. How dare you come back here after everything you did to her? Are you insane?!”

“But… I just…”

“I don't want to see you” she groaned, closing the door on my face.

What did just happen?

I frowned, trying to call again, but I was  answered with silence. I sighed, giving up and walked to my house, opening the door and closing it behind me.

“Lottie, is that you?”

I smiled weakly and sighed when I recognized the voice of my grandma, so I walked towards the living room. She was there, on her chair next to the fireplace and whatever she was knitting. The moment she saw me I could see her face light up, smiling softly and leaving both needles on her lap and opening her arms, inviting me to a hug.

“I'm home, nana” I whispered, kneeling to be at her height and hugging her. “Did Eloise come by? It's been a while since I talked with her…”

“Oh, little Lottie…” she whispered. “You came late, my girl”

“Late? Why?” I frowned, pulling away from the hug and looking at her. 

“She's no longer here” she smiled weakly.

“What? Then where? She lives here”

Eloise's dream since she was little was to be the owner of the restaurant we always visited when we were little. Everytime we got out of school, we went to that place to have a chocolate milkshake while we did our homework. It was our place, sitting on the fourth table that is next to the door, facing the window and with views to the park. 

In that restaurant, during summer, she worked there to make money. She was a waitress, a cashier, and she cleaned the place. But what she loved the most was the moments she worked in the kitchen. She discovered her passion for cooking in the stoves of that restaurant and it helped her decide that she wanted to be a professional chef.

When we moved to London, we lived together during the first years of our studies. She went to the cooking academy while I went to the university. And when she finished her years of formation, she started working on restaurants until she gained a name, a reputation.

Her dream was always going back to our village and make that restaurant a place tourists would go to experience the gastronomy of our country. She always wanted to be a reference in the kitchen.

“Maybe she's in the restaurant” I frowned, getting up and looking around. 

Maybe that's why her car is not parked. Because she stayed longer in the restaurant, as usual.

“No, Violet”

I took a deep breath when I heard my cousin's voice behind me. Maya, the oldest one, already married and with a kid. 

“Come on, will someone tell me what is going on? Why did Jane say that I'm no longer welcomed? I'm so lost! Where is Eloise?”

“Let me take you somewhere” she smiled weakly, grabbing the keys of her car.

I frown and look at my grandma, watching how she nodded with a sad smile on her lips. Somehow, what is happening it's not good, I could tell because of the shivers that were running all over my body.

I followed Maya, getting inside her car and watching out of the window, hoping she would take me to the restaurant where I thought Eloise would be working. But when she turned to the left, going to the road that goes to the church and next to it to the cemetery, I heart skipped a beat. 

No, right? This can't be happening.

“Where are we going?” I frowned, feeling how my hands started to get sweaty, feeling how my heart was beating in my throat making me feel nauseous.

Maya didn't say anything, she only looked at me with a sad smile while she parked the car. She got out and waited for me to follow her, something that took me around a minute. But she waited for me, she stood in front of the car with her hands inside of the pockets of her black coat.

“Come on” she sighed, biting her lip and walking.

Every step I made sounded louder in my ears and it increased the anxiety I was feeling. That anxiety started to become panic and fear. 

“Here” Maya sighed, standing in front of a gravestone.

I didn't want to read what it said. I didn't want to know who was buried there. It was recent, the smell of flowers was still recent and I could see that the marble was still shining.

“No” I mumbled, feeling how I was choking with a scream. “No, no. It can't be. No. You are joking, right? This is a cruel joke. Eloise is working in the restaurant and she just wanted to play around, making me pay for something I don't even know I've done. Please, Maya…”

“I’m sorry” she mumbled. “It happened some weeks ago… But Harry came and said that you two stopped being friends and something about you betraying her”

“No!” I exclaimed, looking at her and letting my tears fall. “None of that! Why would I betray her? Just because I chose myself first? Harry is the problem! He manipulated me so many times!”

“May I remind you that you couldn't stop saying that you loved him?” she said, and somehow that made me flinch. “That he saved you from being raped? That he was always next to you and that you felt so bad and jealous because you wanted to be in Eloise's shoes?”

“That was before I knew the truth…”

“So what? Now that you are having a love story worthy of a fairy tale with that driver you think that you can forget about your family and friends?!”

I closed my eyes, breathing deeply. Maybe she's right… Maybe I was too focused on Lando and I stopped caring for my family… No. Lando has nothing to do with this. He showed me how it is to be loved, he showed me how it is to be loved by a family.

“I tried” I whisper. “I tried to call her, to talk to her. Lando told them to leave the trip because of things that happened between him and Harry. And Eloise wasn't the best friend during those days either. But I never stopped texting her and calling her. She was the one that ghosted me…”

“Look, I'm sorry, okay?” she sighed. “Eloise was a good girl, she didn't deserve this ending”

I swallowed thickly and looked at the flowers. I smiled sadly. There are roses on it, her favorite flower. 

“Can you leave me alone?” I whisper.

I heard her walk away without saying anything, and when I felt I was alone, I let out a sob. 

How on Earth could this happen? When? Why? Why her? Why did no one tell me? My own family forgot to tell me that my childhood best friend is dead. Those tyre’s marked at the entry of the village and the flowers… It happened that way? 

I felt incredibly nauseous and the need to throw up was real, making me run to a tree and bow, emptying my stomach. I tried to breathe, but the tears and the burn on my throat made it impossible.

“Just… why?” I cried, looking back at the grave. “Why? It's not fair! I didn't betray you. Did you feel like that? I chose myself first, for the first time, Eloise. I chose love first… Why did you never answer my calls and texts? It wasn't my fault Harry blackmailed Lando, it wasn't my fault at all… And still you believed him. If there was one who was betrayed, that was me”

I wanted to blame her. But… Is she the one to blame? She loved Harry, she followed him. Of course she did. I would do the same. 

“It's not fair at all, Eli” I mumble. “What am I supposed to do now? I just… God. Who am I supposed to talk with about my problems? About my life? Life is unfair, why the hell did you have to leave this way? Who am I going to tell that Lando and I are dating? That he promised me he's going to marry me? Who am I going to ask to be my maid of honor? What the hell am I supposed to do without you, Eloise?”

It hurts so bad. It hurt realizing that she's not here anymore. It hurt so bad realizing that she won't be next to me anymore, that she won't make her dreams come true.

“I'm nothing without you…”

It hurts. But what hurts the most is that for the first time I experienced what is it to lose someone you love, someone that was important for you. 

“I just… I'll miss you, Eli, so much. I already do”

I took a deep breath and just let the tears fall while I fixed the flowers on her grave, tracing with my fingers the letters of it.

“In loving memory of Eloise Taylor. Born on the 23 of October of 1999” I whisper, feeling a knot on my throat as I traced the next words of it. “Dead… The 27 of December of 2023”

-

I felt empty, so empty.

When I returned to London,instead of going back home, I went somewhere else.

The park where Eloise and I went to spend our afternoons together was close to the first apartment I ever lived in, with her. It was on the other side of London, in a small neighborhood. I sat on a bench, right next to a streetlight, and hugged myself. 

I didn't notice how long I stayed there until I looked at my phone, reading the notifications of messages and missed calls.

Lando🧡: how are things going? Did you talk with her?

Lando🧡: text me once you are coming back home, okay? I'll make something for dinner

Lando🧡: Babe?

Lando🧡: is everything okay? I'm worried

Lando🧡: Baby, please answer. Where are you? It's late and it's getting dark

Lando🧡 missed calls (3)

I took a deep breath and smiled weakly, pressing the call button and placing the phone on my phone.

“Violet? Thank God!”

“Lando…”

“Where are you? Are you still in your village? You are staying with Eloise? Did you talk?”

“Lando, she…”

“God, I was so worried” he sighed, relieved.

“She's dead”

“What? What did you say?”

“Eloise” I mumble, sniffling softly. “Eloise is dead… she's no longer here. She… she died”

Silence. He was quiet. I could hear his breathing, how it got stuck on his throat. 

“Where are you”

“I… I need to be alone” I whisper.

“Violet please…”

I closed my eyes tightly and took a deep breath, telling him the address of where I am. He didn't end the call, he stayed on it, making me hear everything he did, how he walked out of the apartment, how he went to his car and turned the engine on. 

“There you are” he sighed, ending the call and sitting next to me.

I felt his arms wrapping me and pulling me to his chest, holding me tight.

“How did it happen?” he mumbled, brushing my hair with his fingers.

“She… she crashed” I whisper. “She was going home and the road was frozen…”

“Oh…” 

“What am I going to do without her?” I whisper “I… I feel like someone took something away from me, a part of my heart. A-and she left thinking that I betrayed her… she left and no one told me because Harry said…”

“Harry knew?” Lando frowned. “And he didn't tell you?”

“N-no…” I mumble, looking up at him. “He told her parents that we argued… That's why they didn't call me”

Lando took a deep breath and kissed my forehead. He held my hand and kissed it.  

“This just made me realize how scared I am to lose you” I said looking at him.

“You won't lose me” he said, cupping my cheek and resting his forehead against mine, closing his eyes. “You won't lose me, ever. I made a promise, remember? I promised that I will never let you go, that I will never leave you”

“What am I supposed to do, Lando?” I whisper. “I lost Eloise because of a car… How am I supposed to feel knowing that you work in one? I just…”

“You will never lose me” he repeated, squeezing my hand. “I'll make sure of that. I'll start every race and finish it to be next to you. You are my checkered flag. I'll race as much as I have to just to get out of the car and hold you”

“Just… never leave me” I whisper. “Never, okay?”

“Never” he nodded. “You have my heart, I can't live without it. Just keep it safe with you and everything will be alright”

taglist

@elisysd @racinggirl @ninifee1802 @kakorrhaphiphobia @landoyesrizz @lorarri @bellwhysomean @leptitlu @aphroditeisamilf @brekkers-whore @copper-boom @sideboobrry11 @alltoomaples @f1madison @elijahslover @silkenthusiasts @chonkybonky @summerslike11 @randomgirlnumber-13 @is-just-a @whentheautumnleavesfall @malynn @mycenterfold @barackosteaa @izzy-marvel @ssprayberrythings @ophcelia

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Amoreena | Chapter Nine

chapter nine

main summary: Heaven is a real place and it's located exactly 14.6 miles away from the FBI, Quantico Headquarters. Off behind a small park, under a fantastical willow tree surrounded by wildflowers, in every colour young minds can imagine.

Don't forget, heaven also comes with angels.

Chapter Warnings: date night!! this is very fluffy, very emotional and extremely horny. edgar allan poe is rolling in his grave at what they did in his enchanted garden

exhibitionism, public sex (no ones there tho), drug mentions at the end (let me know if I should tag anything else!!!!)

word count: 5.4k

from the beginning <3

He spent all of Thursday afternoon with Penelope in Richmond, setting up for his date that night.

Stringing lights on the trees, mowing the grass and trimming the flowers back, the staff ensuring that the museum was in pristine condition for them tonight, it was perfect. The cats were brushed, there were rose petals the fountain and the most beautiful picnic set up in the garden.

Penelope packed their dinner for them, keeping it in the museum fridge for when they finally arrived, it was the only thing Spencer needed to remember.

Y/N: just got home, about to get ready! Can’t wait to see you at 6 ♥︎

Spencer smiled at his phone, about to text her back when Penelope laid a hand on his back, “change into your suit and head back to her, traffic might be bad?”

“Thank you, for everything. You’ve always been my best friend, more of big sister actually,” Spencer pressed his lips together tightly as to not get emotional. “You’re wonderful Penelope, thank you.”

“Awe!” She swooned, wrapping him up in a big hug. “I will always love you, Spencer, you deserve all of this and so, so much more, now go before I cry.”

He laughed, pulling back, hand lingering on her shoulder as he walked into the museum. They let him change in the backroom, it felt incredibly strange to be putting on a suit inside Edgar Allan Poe's house to go pick up his wife. Not too long ago he dreamed about bringing a girlfriend here someday, life was moving too quickly, he needed a breather.

He kept his suit jacket folded and on the passenger seat as he drove home, where he lived with his family. Even just thinking that as he paid attention to the road made him smile. The wind hitting his face, his hair blowing in the breeze, he felt free at last.

He was where he was supposed to be, all roads lead to here.

Travelling up her driveway with a smile on his face as the dust followed him to her doorstep. She was waiting in a red dress on the porch, Amoreena and her nanny eating pizza on the steps as they waited for him.

Stepping out of his car, he straightened his tie and pulled his pants up more, looking at his wife like she was a star plucked from the sky, landing in this Virginia field for him.

She stood then, her satin dress flowing and exposing a leg as she walked down the steps to him, “Is this what you wanted?” She twirled in front of him to show it all off, her hair getting stuck in her lipstick and making her laugh.

“I love you,” is all he can say as she leaning in with a wide grin, surpassing the smile to kiss him gently, using her thumb to get all the lipstick off his bottom lip and chin.

“Love you too, cutie,” she winked, taking his hand and turning back towards Amoreena, “listen to Nanny, remember we love you and we will see you no earlier than 7:30 tomorrow, okay?”

“Yes ma’am!” She saluted, mouth full of pizza.

“And what are the new rules about coming into our bed in the morning?”

“Knock first, wait till you respond, don’t come in unless you say it’s okay,” Amoreena replied, sticking her tongue out at her as she remembered it all.

“Smartie pants,” Y/N smiled at her, “come give us a hug, don’t get pizza on my dress, please.”

Amoreena wiped her sleeve over her mouth before running into her mother's open arms, they shared goodbye kisses before it was Spencer’s turn. She held him so tight it felt wonderful, “goodnight Lovey, I’ll see you tomorrow morning, have the best sleep ever for me?”

“I’ll see you in dreamland,” she replied, kissing his cheek gently before she pulled back.

“Have fun!” Nanny called from the porch as Amoreena skipped back to her.

“We will,” Spencer replied, taking Y/N’s hand and leading her to the passenger side, he opened her door and helped her inside, insuring her dress was inside before closing the door.

Jogging back to his door, he got in and put on his seatbelt. He threw the car in reverse and turned around by the barn, heading down the driveway, not saying a single thing as Y/N stared at him.

“You’re really not going to tell me anything?” She shook her head, licking her lip before biting it as she huffed.

“We’re going to Richmond, Virginia, to read,” he gave her one hint.

“Hmm,” she smiled, “I’m sure you won't tell me the title, so Mr. I can remember every book ever, what’s a random line in it?”

“You’re smart,” he teased her, “but for the brilliant green of the huge leaves that spread from their summits in long, tremulous lines, dallying with the Zephyrs—”

“We’re going to the Edgar Allan Poe Museum!” She cut him off with a cheer.

He slows down on the barren dirt road, mouth wide open as she got it right, he turns to her as they come to a complete stop, “how the heck did you get that?”

“Yes!” she laughed, tossing her head back as she clapped and kicked her feet a little, so proud of herself, “I’m a librarian, Spencer! Did you think I wouldn’t know Eleonora?”

“That’s the most random sentence in the whole poem?” Spencer was shocked, she recalled it faster than he thought he would be able to if she read a line to him.

“My brother’s first motorcycle was a Zephyr,” she smiled at him, raising her eyebrows. “My brain is kinda like a filing cabinet, if you give me a word I can remember everything I’ve ever heard with that word included.”

He started to drive again, shaking his head as he paid attention to the road but still astounded by how amazing she is. “Amoreena gets that from you then, she could have both our eidetic memories together, that would be very interesting to see.”

“Eidetic memory?” She questioned.

“It’s what most people call photographic memory,” Spencer explained. “You can remember everything you hear which is why you and Amoreena are able to recall songs, books and movie facts so fast, while I can read back to you anything I’ve read without having to see it again, it’s forever in my mind.”

“So we’re both geniuses, cool,” Y/N smiled at him again, “sorry I ruined your surprise.”

“You just know where we’re going,” he reminded her, laying his hand on hers, interlocking their fingers as he drove.

They had an hour alone before the real date started.

So she showed him all of her favourite songs, including some of Amoreena’s playlists so he could get familiar with them before their trip to Rhode Island. Her voice was impeccable, she knew all the words and harmonies, often opting to cove background voices he wouldn’t have even known were there if it wasn’t for her.

She loved music in a way that intrigued him, she enjoyed music with a story. Much like the reason she loved books so much, she enjoyed picturing the happy places in her mind that the songs were able to take her to, they filled her with glee and hope as she sang to her heart's content. Taking short breaks to explain the meanings of songs, to recite the best lyrics and why the songs are close to her heart.

“Do you want to hear the song that reminds me the most of you?” She asked between songs, pausing so that nothing else would start.

“Sure,” he blushed, nervous for what it could be and how she imagined him in her mind, hoping he could live up to it.

“I'm perfectly fine I live on my own, I made up on my mind, I'm better off bein' alone. We met a few weeks ago, now you try on callin' me, baby, like tryin' on clothes,”

She stares at him with a beautiful smile as she waits to see his reaction to the opening, finally singing when the beat drops, dancing softly in her seat as she belted the words out to him.

“So prove to me I'm your American Queen, and you move to me like I'm a Motown beat, and we rule the kingdom inside my room,” She brushed her hand across his jaw, teasing him as the words flow from her lips to his ears, she loves him and he can feel it with every syllable.

“And all at once, you are the one I have been waiting for, King of my heart, body and soul, ooh whoa! And all at once, you are all I want, I'll never let you go King of my heart, body and soul, ooh whoa,” she sings so softly, with a purpose, turning it down a little so that he can talk to her.

“I love you,” he reminded her, “so much it hurts sometimes.”

“It’s like your heartstrings are tugging on each other, right?” She agreed, “like they want to jump out of our chests and run to each other.”

He nodded with a soft smile, reaching for her hand again holding it as he brought it to his mouth for a kiss, “queen of my heart.”

“Hmmm,” she thought over his words, “I’m pretty content with being princess still, Lady Amoreena is in line for the thrown, it’s part of her namesake after all.”

“Does the kingdom have a name?”

“You know the Elton John song Goodbye Yellow Brick Road?” She waited for his nod, “my grandma called it Ozellous so it’s like wizard of Oz but I added the 'ellous' because people always said they were jealous of our farm.”

He’s trying his best to keep his eyes on the road when all he want’s to do is look at her smile, to see her pupil change as she recalls the loving memory, it’s his favourite thing to do. Better than any movie or play, seeing her face was better than looking at the most expensive art piece. He was so in love with all of her.

“Were you like Amoreena as a kid?”

“Oh yeah,” she laughed, “bullied hardcore for it too, kids always told me to shut up cause I’d add facts to conversations I wasn’t a part of.”

“I would have loved to listen,” Spencer replied softly, knowing the feeling all too well.

They were only a few minutes away now, turning into the small town and passing quaint little homes and cottages. “Amoreena would love this drive, these are some interesting townspeople homes for her imagination, we should come back sometime this summer.”

His heart was going to actually explode, she was everything he never knew he needed.

“I’d love that,” he added as they pulled into the museum. “I’m a museum member and I’m a patron, so sometimes I donate rare pieces I find, they love me here.”

Her mouth opened to speak, but her eyes got caught on the twinkling lights in the distance, mesmerized by everything. Old cobblestone streets, brick buildings and wooden gates, it was straight out of the 1800s and absolutely fantastical.

“And it’s all ours for the night,” he put the car in park and turned to her, “wait here?”

She nodded, speechless as she continued to look out the window at everything. Spencer got out of the car, opening the back seat to grab and put on his jacket, straighten out his suit before opening her door and extending a hand to help her out.

“Princess,” he extended his arm for her to tuck her own under, he closed her door and escorted her through the gate and towards the garden.

The sun was just starting to set, 7 pm in early June being the most beautiful time of year in rural Virginia, the sky was a perfect purple as he leads her through the stone arches towards the picnic.

Her eyes sparkled with all the lights, wide and pupils blown as she took it all in. It was a fairytale, she was in a princess dress, he was the king of her heart and this was just the beginning of happily ever after.

“Spencer, whatever your middle name is, Reid,” she gasped, swatting his arm lightly with a smile growing on her face.

“It’s Walter,” he smiled right back.

He let go of her hand then and walked over to a table, turning on the record player and dropping the needle in the right spot. He did his research into some Taylor Swift songs, finding one that reminded him the most of Y/N and how much he loved her.

“May I have this dance?” He asks as she notices the all too familiar guitar strumming.

He reaches a hand out for her, pulling her in as she takes it, “I was so so lost before I found you in the park,” he explains the first verse, barely a whisper beside her ear as they start to sway.

There I was again tonight forcing laughter, faking smiles Same old tired, lonely place Walls of insincerity Shifting eyes and vacancy, vanished when I saw your face

“All I can say is it was enchanting to meet you,” he whispers once more, feeling the goosebumps bursting on her bare arms.

He spun her around, extending both their arms as she twirled out and then back into his embrace again with a giggle. She swayed back and forth, dancing with him like the night they got married in her field.

Your eyes whispered "have we met?" Across the room your silhouette starts to make it's way to me The playful conversation starts Counter all your quick remarks, like passing notes in secrecy

“And it was enchanting to meet you, All I can say is I was enchanted to meet you,” he sings them this time, spinning her out again as the chorus hits, her eyes widening as she began to smile wider than he’s ever seen before.

They sang the words together as they danced, smiling and laughing as they moved around the cobblestone. Finding a rhythm so perfect, so them, it was silly and not on beat in the slightest, mostly spinning, it was a spinning song if the album cover was any indication.

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home I'll spend forever wondering if you knew I was enchanted to meet you!

“The lingering question kept me up, Two a.m., who do you love? I wonder till I'm wide awake! Now I'm pacing back and forth, wishing you were at my door, I'd open up and you would say, hey! It was enchanting to meet you, all I know is I was enchanted to meet you,” Y/N’s voice softer than ever as she sang her anxieties into his ear, remembering the day at the museum where she wondered if she could have him all to herself.

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home I'll spend forever wondering if you knew This night is flawless, don't you let it go I'm wonderstruck, dancing around all alone I'll spend forever wondering if you knew I was enchanted to meet you

Spinning around in circles she leaves his grasp, dress circling in the wind and he watches her. She takes both his hands and spins around with him in a tight circle before pulling back in, their chests bumping as they laughed, happier than he’s ever been in his entire life, and she’s made him pretty happy in the last few weeks.

The girl of his dreams, dancing around him with a smile like she was making her own music video. This was a dream of hers he didn’t know, making it come true as it became a dream of his own.

He places his hands on her cheeks as he stares into her eyes, “this is me praying that this was the very first page, not where the storyline ends. My thoughts will echo your name until I see you again. These are the words I held back, as I was leaving too soon, I was enchanted to meet you,” he whisper’s the words, barely singing, more talking.

“Please don't be in love with someone else. Please don't have somebody waiting on you. Please don't be in love with someone else. Please don't have somebody waiting on you,” she sings right back to him, staring into his eyes as they stand still in the garden.

She pulls him into a kiss, breathing in deeply through her nose as they hold each other’s cheeks, unable to get closer as they kissed. Pulling away with a loud smooch sound, smiling before taking her hands in his, once more.

Spinning her around again as the beat drops once more, her smile more beautiful than the first time he saw it. He was so madly in love, he firmly believed he was in heaven.

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home I'll spend forever wondering if you knew!!

This night is flawless, don't you let it go I'm wonderstruck, dancing around all alone I'll spend forever wondering if you knew I was enchanted to meet you!

Please don't be in love with someone else Please don't have somebody waiting on you

“Now go stand in the corner and think about what you did,” Taylor Swift's voice cuts into the beautiful moment as her songs change and the mood drastically changes.

Y/N bursts out in laughter, jumping lightly as she enjoyed the song, head-banging along as she danced by herself until Spencer turned the music off once again, “you’re so cute.”

“Thank you,” she bowed, “this is cute!”

“There’s a picnic basket in the fridge inside, and some wine if you think that’s a good idea?” Pointing towards the main house, she followed him towards the door.

“Oh, hello?” Her voice changed as she noticed the two black cats on the window, letting Spencer head inside for the basket as she talked to them.

“That’s Edgar and Pluto, the groundskeeper found them in the shed in 2012,” Spencer explains as he comes back out, basket in hand but she’s too busy with the cats to notice.

Petting both their faces, they stretch into her reach and bask in the feeling of her nails on their skin, Spencer would agree it felt nice. He loved the feeling of her hands in his hair, he must have been a cat in his last life.

“Amoreena wants her own indoor cat,” Y/N smiled wide at him, “she always wanted to call him Hercules like the Elton John song, almost like she knew you were her dad all along.”

She took his free hand then, following him towards the blanket in the grass, “how?”

“There’s a line in the song about Greek gods, but it says Hercules on her side and Diana in her eyes, and she does have your mom's eyes, right down to the colour of her iris,” Y/N looked at him like he was everything to her.

Spencer couldn’t speak, he just set the basket on the ground and ushered her to sit down beside him. She held the skirt of her dress up so she could sit crisscross applesauce on the blanket, draping her dress over her legs so she didn’t show anything off just yet.

“Every time I look at you I understand all her quirks and her facial expressions,” she added like she was trying to make him cry, “I’ve been looking at her for almost 8 years now, wondering who you were and now I know, and you’re so much better than I ever imagined.”

“Would you have looked for me when she turned 18?” Is all he can ask through his sniffles, trying to hold it together for her.

She nodded, “I was going to tell her soon anyway, she asks a lot of questions I’m not sure if you noticed.” Her giggle was priceless, “she had lots of questions when the goats were born this year and that meant her asking more about making human babies and I just said a special man helped me make my dreams come true, and she thought it was Rumpelstiltskin.”

Spencer couldn’t fight the laugh that erupted from him, leaning forward as he chuckled, making her laugh too. “Does she even know the whole story?”

“She’s only seen the 4th Shrek movie with him, she has no idea that he also takes the babies,” Y/N placed her hand on his knee gently, “If I get pregnant again, I’m going to tell her about how it all works as simply as possible, I want her to feel included in this and she’ll be less jealous if she sees this as a learning opportunity.”

“That’s a good idea,” he agreed, “I still can't believe she almost punched Michael for hugging me.”

“Oh, I can,” Y/N laughed again, “she was being bullied last year by an older kid and I said if someone upsets you or hurts you, sometimes it’s not that bad to hurt them back. Make them know you’re not weak and you care about yourself, and she gave a kid a black eye for tugging on her braid.”

Spencer couldn’t stop smiling, “that’s my girl.”

Y/N opened the picnic basket then, taking everything out with a smile as Spencer stared at her, thinking a million different thoughts about future kids, how Amoreena would grow up, seeing her as a big sister to hopefully many.

They both leaned forward and kissed softly, smiling as they pulled back, “so you like charcuterie?”

She laughed, “Amoreena called it shark coochie once, I can’t not think of that now.”

“How many kids do you want?”

“Have you ever read cheaper by the dozen?” She teased him. “As many as I can have, I have the funds thanks to my job and the farm and not having to pay a mortgage, I was going to have another baby next year anyway, I had an appointment and everything scheduled, I even tried to get them to contact Amoreena’s father for another sample but they said they couldn’t ask you outright for me.”

“They asked me if I wanted to give another sample when I asked if I could know my kids,” Spencer remembered the words exactly, “she said ‘You have four offspring so far, none of the other samples used have produced a child, the women were all IVF as well so it wasn’t your swimmer's fault if you wanted to donate again.’”

“I don’t want to know the truth, are you okay if we let her decide if she wants to find out at 18?” Y/N asked softly, “I’m content thinking you’re her father, I don’t want to know if it’s some other tall who-lookin’ genius, okay?”

“That’s perfect actually,” Spencer agreed, “and on the kids front, you don’t mind me being in my 70s when they all start going to University?”

“My dad is 68 with no signs of stopping, and he’s still fantastic with his grandkids,” Y/N always had a fact to combat his anxiety. “You have a lot of life left in you, I’ll take good care of you so that they have the best dad ever for as long as possible.”

Spencer was so in love with his family he felt like he was floating, laughing and smiling all meal long as they shared facts back and forth about their lives. Getting to know each other more and more as the seconds passed, he imagined it would be like this forever. She was like a bottomless pit of information, facts, stories and secrets. He loved every single one she shared with him.

She poured herself a second small glass of wine, “you know they say that one glass of wine every once in a while is actually good for the baby?”

“It doesn’t work that fast,” he reminded her, more like he reminded himself. He didn’t want to hope in the chance it didn’t happen right away.

“I had a nightmare last night for the first time in a long time, so I think it worked,” she teased him. “I won't know till June 10th, that's when my next period would be.”

“Nightmare?” It was the only part he picked up on, worried for her and wondering why she didn’t wake him up.

She nodded softly, “I found out I was pregnant and you never came home, and I got lost in the forest looking for you and then I remembered I could wake up.”

He rests his hand on her knee, rubbing his thumb against her bare skin softly, “I’m always coming home to you.”

“I know, when I got pregnant with Amoreena I had bad dreams in the first few weeks too, mostly about giving birth to nothing and being alone all over again, the subconscious and pregnancy hormones are mean as fuck when they hang out,” she laughed away the pain, “I know none of it is real.”

“Good,” he whispered, not knowing what really to say, he wasn’t used to soothing other people yet. Most people didn’t want his facts or concernment when something happened, just a hug normally.

She took a deep breath, pushing everything away, “good news, either my anxiety disorder is back in full swing or something’s working in here,” she laid her hand over her stomach, “either way, I’d like to try again tonight?”

He laughed, “we don’t need to make a baby every time you want to have sex?”

She got onto her knees then, crawling over the blanket and sitting right in Spencer's lap with her hands on both of his cheeks, “I want all your babies.”

He held her waist, pulling her in closer to his chest, “right now?”

She nodded, moving her dress out of the way to undo his belt, “no one is here right? It’s not like anyone would know?”

“Mhmm,” he agreed, kissing her neck as she unzipped his pants, moving his underwear out of the way just enough to free his hardening cock, she stroked it right there in the middle of the garden, staring down between their bodies in awe as he came to life.

Sitting up on her knees more, the slit of her dress made it a lot easier for her to show him her underwear. She was wearing just a thong, perfect for pulling to the side as she lowered herself onto him, ever so slowly.

She fixed her dress around them, completely calm and composed as he was fully inside of her, “you’re okay with this?”

He huffed a laugh out of his nose, dropping his forehead to her shoulder so he couldn’t buck into her and ruin the moment she was making, his hands moving to her hips, guiding her back and off him slightly before back down again, making her gasp.

“I thought you wanted to read?” She teased him as she started to ride him more, moving her hips in a way that took him in and out of her at just the right angle, her hands on his shoulders as she bounced on him lightly, he couldn’t even think straight. “Go on, read to me.”

He took a second to remember the words, mind totally somewhere else and not interested in a book at all when her boobs were right in his face.

“I am come of a race noted for vigor of fancy and ardor of passion,” the first sentence slipped past his lips as she kept going, he took a moment to kiss right under her ear before continuing.

“Men have called me mad; but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence—whether much that is glorious—whether all that is profound—does not spring from disease of thought—from moods of mind exalted at the expense of the general intellect.”

“Shit,” she moaned, pushing his hand down towards her clit, “you can multitask, smartie pants.”

His thumb was on a mission then, rubbing small circles against her pleasure point, she tossed her head back with her eyes closed as she continued to ride him, “I don’t hear you reading?”

He moaned softly in her ear at the feeling, and the fact she wanted to get off to hearing him recite something from memory, it was more euphoric than he could have ever imagined.

“They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night. In their gray visions they obtain glimpses of eternity, and thrill, in ah- awakening, fuck,” he was trying his best to stay as composed as she was when he really just wanted to lay her against the blanket and fuck her into next week.

“to find that they have been upon the verge of the great secret,” Y/N whispered the end of the sentence, grinding down on him harder than before.

“In snatches, they learn something of the wisdom which is of good,” she whispered into his ear, biting his earlobe softly with a moan and he kept rubbing her clit, “you’re so good, Spencer, so so good," she paused to enjoy the moment before whispering in his ear once more, "And more of the mere knowledge which is of evil. They penetrate, however, rudderless or compass-less into the vast ocean of the "light ineffable," and again, like the adventures of the Nubian geographer, "agressi sunt mare tenebrarum, quid in eo esset exploraturi.”

Her words softer than ever and they were never going to get to the end of this poem, he'd never know how the rest of the words sound on her tongue, she pulled him into a kiss then, moaning into his mouth as they ground against each other, finding a perfect rhythm to bring them to the end.

“There, yes, fuck,” she whispered against his lips, pushing against him as she arched her back slightly, slipping away from his mouth as she did so.

He slammed into her then as he chased her lips, making her whimper one last time before she was shaking in his lap, her legs quivering as she finished on him, sending him over the edge and stilling as he came with a shudder. He held her so close, both of them breathing into each other's mouths as they came down, kissing and smiling as they stayed connected.

“We’ll name her Eleonora,” Y/N teased, pulling off him and laying back against the blanket.

He made sure her underwear was back in the right spot before covering her with her dress again and sliding himself back into his underwear.

“Amoreena and Eleonora have a good ring to it, we just need 10 more names,” he teased right back.

“Hopefully we have a little boy one day too,” she smiled as she tugged him down beside her, cuddling into her side as they stared up at the newly dark blue sky and the array of stars that decided to join them this evening.

“Even if it’s just Amoreena, I’ve never been happier in my whole life than when I’m with you,” he whispered. “Thank you.”

“For what?” She asked, purely to keep hearing his voice.

“Making me want to get up in the morning again, giving me a reason not to buy drugs for something euphoric to happen to me, showing me real love and proof that happiness is possible if you just chose to be happy,” he gave example after example.

“I thought I learned everything the world had to offer, but you’ve been showing me new little life hacks that make the world so much better, I see a future of bright colours and happiness and laughter for the first time ever, so thank you.”

She held him closer, “it’s been a pleasure falling in love with you, together, you deserve to love yourself. You’re so wonderful Spencer, it breaks my heart to know that anyone has ever made you feel the opposite.”

He couldn’t speak anymore, turning to kiss her neck and cheek so he had something to do that wasn’t crying. He loved her so incredibly deeply that he felt like he was an anchor, dropping to the bottom of her deepest ocean, without a single plan to leave.

tag list: @shemarmooresfedora @spencers-dria @spookyspence @reidsfish @manuosorioh @mochionly @samuel-de-champagne-problems @jswessie187

[marindram]

full transcription of Marin's blog from Omega Mart!

huge thanks to @b0chelly for recording a scroll-through, which i typed this out from. (and warning for Omega Mart lore/story spoilers. second half is in reblog)

Marinknows.best

Location: Seven Monolith Village

Last Login: 12/31/2019

Profile Views: 101,275

About me: I love listening to music and glitter

Friends (0)

June 26, 2018

Happy Birthday to meeeeeeeeee!

So 14 feels way different than 13. For real. I think it's because I was expecting 13 to feel different, but sometimes when you expect something it turns out the opposite ya know?

Plus, 13 is like, "I'm new to being a teenager!!"

14 is more like, "I'm becoming the person I want to be." At least that's how I want it to be. I wanted to start this blog as a record of all that.

I should ask Did you guys feel the same way when you turned 13 and 14?

But probably nobody's gonna read this because I'm just a weirdo in the weird dessert. I mean, I know my best friend Jesse is reading this (hi Jesse). Besides her, crickets.

But yeah, if you are reading this and you don't know me - I live in Seven Monolith Village, a teensy tiny town that you've only heard of if you're into aliens or homesteading. And I'm literally stuck. As in, I'm physically unable to leave. My first memories are of all the adults in my life (Charlie, my great-uncle/father-figure - Rose, my what? Roommate? Mother-figure? Pseudo-aunt? All of the above? and my mom, Cecelia. who doesn't live here) telling me that for some reason, there's something wrong with me that makes it so I can't leave a certain radius of where we live. I got older and thought that they were just exaggerating to keep me safe, but then last year I tried. And it was, let's just say not good.

Anyway. That part of my life sucks, but not everything sucks. This year is all about Marin Dram 2.0. Not new, but definitely improved.

And maybe someday, somehow somebody will read this and care about what I have to say. Somebodies, even. Until then, this is Marin Dram signing off and sending my lame contemplations into the void!

July 1, 2018

Things I Want To Do Before I Turn 20 (and some of these will never happen like are literally unable to happen but JUST LET ME DREAM

1. Kiss someone (who???)

2. Meet HTB (kiss him) (jk he would never) (plus meeting him would be enough)

3. Go to Paris

4. Go to Rome (or somewhere cooler in Italy, look up where is the best pasta???)

5. Go to Greenland (why not???)

6. Go to New York City

7. Go to LA (with a dream and my cardigan lol)

8. Go to the Grand Canyon (this isn't mine, but 9, Jesse is sitting right here and she went to the GC when we were 12 and she's like blah blah blah it's my favorite place in the world and you'll love it. I'm doing this so she'll shut up.

9. Live in a normal house with normal rooms → ideally 12 of them: living room AND TV room, kitchen, dining room, 3 bathrooms, 3 bedrooms, study/library.

-plus an upstairs downstairs

-I'm willing to compromise on the number of rooms as long as there's more than ONE for TWO PEOPLE and I got my own

-plus an upstairs/downstairs

-I'm willing to compromise on the number of rooms as long as there's more than ONE for TWO PEOPLE and I get my own room with an actual door. Very into doors.

10. Go to a mall (Jesse says there's a bunch of bonkers ones in Vegas)

11. Make friends who aren't Jesse (no offense, Jesse)

12. Get Cecelia (my "mom") to teach me about business stuff so I can open my own cool coffeeshop/bookstore someday

13. Learn to drive (ask Charlie to teach me, he's obsessed with his truck) (Jesse says she can teach me because she's Little Miss Mechanic and thinks she knows everything about cars but news flash Jesse: you're you get than me)

14. Figure out my signature style- like I want people to send me pictures of things and be like "this just screamed Marin" and for that to be true

15. Liquid eyeliner??

16. I'm stopping here because I just read over all this and want to die/cry because easily 3/4 of these are literally impossible?

17. Kill me

18. Bye

19. Lololol Charlie just came in and I was complaining about this, not being able to leave and stuff, etc and he said that I should visit new places by... reading books?? And I mean I like to read. But dude. That's the dumbest thing I've ever head.

July 30, 2018

Okay so this is what I want my life to look like:

I want a pink room. Not just pink... P I N K. Cool pink wallpaper (floral? jacquard??), pink carpet, lots of pink flowers everywhere, a four-poster bed with a pink silk canopy, lots of cool pink throw pillows. Like, so pink that

people think I'm being sarcastic! Oh, and BOOKS. Floor-to-ceiling bookcases, and some of the shelves have, like, STUFF on them that isn't books, like gifts people gave me, or things I've collected on my JOURNEYS. You know, normal stuff that people who live on normal places and do normal things have.

If I lived in in this room, it'd be in awhite three-story house at the end of a cul-de-sac (did you know "culs-de-sac" is the plural? Not "cul-de-sacs"? crazy) and I'd wear very classic girly clothes and my hair would always do what I wanted it to. It'd be one of those towns that people call small, but it's actually a city. just one with a kinda small, cozy feeling. Somewhere that gets cold enough to wear cute jackets but not so cold I have to to like, shovel my driveway. Not a non-place with like 100 people where you can't even go outside without going crazy.

August 2nd, 2018

I guess I should explain where I live, for all my avid fans out there! (lol) (hello??)

So like... I don't live on Earth. At least, not the Earth you think of when you think of EARTH. I live in some some weird off-brand version of Earth called the Forked Earth where there are aliens and magic wells of magic energy and everything is MAGIC but like the crappy kind of magic, where the sun never fully rises and some goo called "runoff" has made everything wacky and oh yeah, my mom is responsible for that and everyone here hates her!! LOL

Also, I can't leave! Like, literally can't! Rose says I'm a "special child of Source" and that's why but that LITERALLY explains tells me nothing, in fact it just raises further questions that no one can seem to answer! AHHHHHHHHHH

Anyway, the last time I tried to leave I felt. When I try to leave I feel like I'm being pulled back by something, like you know those old cartoons where someone's on stage doing something dumb and then someone offstage pulls them away with a giant shepard's crook? It felt like that, and when I opened my eyes I was back in 7 Monolith Village. UGH.

I know this sounds crazy!!!!! But believe me when I say that I am the least crazy person here. Also, """here""" is C R A Z Y. Runoff has made everything the bad kind of psychedelic and then people here actually DRINK IT! Not only do I not DRINK THE STUFF THAT HAS MADE THE WORLD INSANE, I also do not talk to aliens (or whatever Nula are) like Rose or believe crazy conspiracy theories like Charlie, so I believe that qualifies me as the most normal person in the Forked Earth, thank you for this honor, I accept this award with humility and grace!

September 4, 2018

I had the weirdest dream last night?? I was swimming in a pool full of cereal, and when I came up for air, my mom was pouring milk on my head like she was rinsing my hair. She had her hand over my face like I was a little kid and she was shielding me from soap getting in my eyes.

Anyway I have no idea what it's supposed to mean. I went to bed hungry and I need to take a shower? Lol

October 16, 2018

I was trying to hide this entry from Jesse, but JESSE IS A NOSY PERSON. She says that blogs are for readers, and if I wanted something to be private then I should "Just write in a fucking notebook and hide it under your bed like a normal person, Marin." I'm allowed to have secrets!! Anyway, I'm making her a freaking playlist, that's why I wouldn't tell her what I was writing about. but EVEN STILL! I'm allowed to have secrets!! But I have this blog because I wanna get my feelings out, I wanna see everything in my head typed out all nice in a way that doesn't make it look insane. You know? I don't know who I'm asking.) Because, it's not like I go to a normal school or have a normal life where I'm surrounded by normal people I can talk to. No one knows about me! I'm trapped in this crazy place and This blog is my only outlet to the world outside. I KNOW that's heavy but it's true! The point is: Jesse's birthday is coming up. The central consistent thing in pretty much my whole life is sharing headphones with her and listening to music. The soundtrack to my entire existence is her. I wish I had money and could buy her the best presents of all time, but I can make her the best playlist of all time. I want it to be so good it feels like magic. I want her to think I'm magic. I had another dream the other night. I don't remember much, just glitter. I must be crafting too much. Or looking at festival makeup tutorials. Or both.

November 12, 2018

WARNING- Weird thoughts ahead, lol.

I can never tell which feelings are normal, and which are me being a giant weirdo. But for as long as I can remember, I've had this feeling like every part of my body that's possible to have a ribbon tied around it, has a ribbon tied around it. It's so weird. I can't see the other end of the ribbons - how far they go. where they're attached, nothing. And sometimes it's fine, because sometimes I can hardly feel them. I can forget about them for days at a time, weeks, months if I'm lucky. But then other times I can feel them like, pulling at me. It's freaking spooky, to have something pulling at you from somewhere you can't see. I can't tell if it's pulling me toward whatever it is? Or if it's trying to warn me? Or if I'm just insane??

Does that make sense? Does anybody else feel that way? (she asks into the void)

So idk I guess this ribbons-feeling is why I'm really careful all the time. Like I'm just a careful person. Charlie tried to give me a hard time about it, and I can't be like "I don't wanna pull back in the ribbons too hard without realizing it and wreck something!" because he'd be like "WTF Marin, do we need to get you help?" But also, more and more, I want to be the opposite of careful. I want to take a pair of comically oversized scissors and cut the ribbons into so many pieces that nobody can even tell what they are any more.

I don't know why I'm such a freak, only that I am. I don't know why I can't leave 7 Monolith, only that I can't. But there must be a reason, even if I can't see it, and I feel like it makes sense that the ribbons-feeling is part of that reason, right?

There's just a lot.

January 15, 2019

Happy new year! Lol I forgot to write on the actual first day of 2019, but OH WELL!

I got this new glitter nail polish, thanks to the monthly makeup subscription box my "mom" sends me as an outlet for her abandonment guilt. It has like, every color glitter imaginable without quite reading as "rainbow" which is fine just not really what I was in the mood for and it's vaguely halographic and shifts into all these different colors depending on the light. I'm obsessed. Anyway.

I was putting on another layer because I chipped it like 20 minutes into wearing it, and all of a sudden I had this feeling like I recognized the glitter? Like I felt this thing way deep in my gut and for a minute I couldn't breathe. It's the closest thing I've felt to how books and movies make Christmas look. Like I was home, with family, cookies and cider and all that stuff. Familiar and safe. I almost didn't recognize that feeling. And it came from the nail polish. How weird is that.

I mean, I don't want to make it sound like I've had this awful Charles Dickens childhood - Rose and Charlie are the best ever and always there for me and I love them a lot. But things never feel like...home. You know?

My mom always says this cryptic stuff about how I'm "special" and I wanna strangle her because I'm not, but you try getting my mom to stop doing anything she wants to do. Rose told me once that one day, I would "lead the charge into a new era of existence and access" because I'm "of the Source" and I was like uhhhh okay?? Charlie mostly treats me pretty normal, except when I ask him questions about our family. my mom or any Dram. He knows that I want to know more about them and he's my only real entrypoint, but apparently he's like the black sheep of that whole family. He and my mom were close way back right before I was born, but now whenever she comes to visit he barely even looks at her.

So that's to say: nobody tells me anything, ever.

January 16, 2019

Okay this is so weird. I wrote that entry yesterday about glitter and then last night I dreamed about glitter. Then I woke up with purple glitter in my bed?? Like not a lot, so at first I thought it was from my nail polish, but it was just a handful of purely purple glitter that looks nothing like my nail polish. SO WEIRD!!!!!!

February 14, 2019

Rose has an old book full of "ye olde" style fairy tales, and I flipped through it for the first time in forever today.

Not so weirdly, I've always been drawn to the story of Rapunzel.

Rapunzel couldn't leave the tower, or else she'd break her neck and die.

Same.

February 19, 2019

I was reading this article the other day in one of the teen magazines my "mom" gets me a subscription to and it was all about body positivity, which is great, but it was basically just like "wear a crop top if you wannna wear a crop top! it doesn't matter what size you are! You go, girl!" And like, sure. Yes. I am all for that. But doesn't it seem like there are some steps missing in there? Like, I can physically put on a crop top and wear it outside. But how do I convince myself that everybody isn't looking at me and making fun of me in their minds? How do I unlearn the last almost-fifteen years? How do I get actually positive about my body, not just put on a crop top and fight the urge to cry all day?

It's the same thing like when my mom sends me brochures from the CEO camp she ten when she was my age (her dad started the camp for her, which is an insane thing just by itself, but she did all the work, which is even more insane) and she's like "Marin, you lack direction for your life" and I'm like, cool mom. Yeah. I can see that. What I can't see is how to get there from here.

March 2, 2019

This is what I want my life to look like, volume 2:

The walls of my room are covered in Polaroids of me and my friends. There are lots of mirrors in all kinds of shapes. hearts and moons and stars. There's a record player and a lot of vintage records by Billie Holiday and Lena Horne and Peggy Lee and Nina Simone. And Christmas lights! Everywhere! Lots of of pink and purple Christmas lights everywhere.

If I lived in this room, I'd have so many friends and be part of so many clubs. My best friend would have a collection of vintage cameras, and every place we go to that has a photo booth, we'd get photos taken. Every time I'd look at myself in one of those mirrors, I'd feel happy at what I see and never weird or sad. (Jesse hates taking pictures, so even when I actually do normal stuff with her there's no evidence. What even is a life supposed to be without evidence? That's not an actual question you need to answer Jesse, it's just a question)

Anyway, if I lived in this kind of room, my mom would probably be like, an art history professor at a liberal arts college. That's how come everything looks so cool, because I would know stuff about art. My mom and I would love to try new recipes together. We get each other new cookbooks for every special occasion, and right now we're working out way through a Moroccan one. Moroccan Mondays.

In actuality, there's a dust storm happening outside and my eyes sting.

March 9, 2019

Here's what I'm obsessed with lately.

Can. You. EVEN???

February 3, 2020

Omg I totally forgot this blog existed!!

I lost the password and instead of just resetting it I got in one of my super stubborn moods (Taurus moon lol) and just kept putting in guesses and jokes on me, it locked me out. Anyway, that's a boring story.

But my friend Ximena is really good at hacking and stuff, so she got me back in. Yeah you read that right - I have friends. Obviously a lot has happened since my last post. Ximena moved out here a couple months ago (X's family used to live here but they moved away a while ago) and she introduced me to Lora who I sorta-not-really already knew, and Jesse and I have been hanging out with them a ton. Jesse kind of more than me. Which is fine!!

Anyway I'm 15 now? If I lived somewhere normal I'd be psyched about almost being 16, because I'd get a car and have a Sweet Sixteen and eat a huge PINK cake, but I don't!

February 16, 2020

I read this fanfic the other night that was written in the second person so everything was like "you." "you're doing this" etc you know?

So... You go to a drive-in movie with Heartthrob Boy, and he spills soda on you by accident. And you take off your shirt ( you have a tank top on, don't worry) to clean it up, bit you're still all sticky and self-conscious about being sticky and HTB like... used his tongue to get it off??? AAHHHHH I'M DISGUSTING

but also I wonder if a boy will ever touch any part of me with his tongue

March 2, 2020

Hi I don't know if you heard but I have friends :)))

March 15, 2020

I think I'm so into painting my nails and doing my hair because those are things that always fit. I don't have to worry about places not carrying about a size 8, or places that carry XLs but when you read the measurements they're actually size 8s too and it's like jesus if that's an XL what am I

My "mom" was confused why I needed new pants because mine still look new, but I showed her the thigh holes and she was like "that's a weird place for a hole, how did that happen" and I realized that when your legs are a certain size, you just don't know about thigh rub and what it does to clothes. Pants could just last for years.

No matter what, I can paint my nails with a different color nail polish on every finger, and I can always do a braid crown. And I know I'm cute as hell, etc, so this is not a Marin Needs to Learn to Love Herself thing. It's just an UGH thing

April 17, 2020

So Rose does all these Source experiments on plants and flowers and stuff. Tbh, it's just one if those things I hardly even register anymore because it's just always there. She's explained to me a million times what Source is/does/means, but the way Rose explains things sometimes is just a LOT to take in and she refers to me as a "child of Source" but I kinda figure that's like "child of God" right? What else would that mean?

But anyway, it's really annoying because dried flowers are a part of my new aesthetic and I pinned a bunch of them up on my wall but I woke up this morning to a freaking jungle of very alive flowers. I freaked out. on Rose, and she Rose said she didn't do it and I was like WELL THEN WHO DID and she said that I did??

Which like. Obviously that doesn't make sense. I asked her what she meant and She just shook her head and said " It's happening. We should have known" which is some horror movie shit that she refused to elaborate on. I love to feel safe and normal!!

Or maybe it's not a horror movie at all. But maybe it's a superhero movie? Maybe there's some kind of origin story I don't know about yet, and all of this will be worth it once I figure out my powers. I wonder what my costume will look like. Lol.

April 23, 2020

Is it possible to die from longing? I know that sounds melodramatic, but I'm also kinda serious?? Because it seems like one of those things that could fester and get infected and kill you. It's like when you fall down and bang up your knee, and you need to put a band-aid on the scrape for a while, but THEN you need to air it out - but how do you know when you're supposed to do each one of those things? And if you do either one too much, your knee gets infected. What if I smother my heart with band-aids for too long and it gets infected? This isn't about anybody. I just keep having these dreams about someone I never expected to have dreams about and they're so intense that they keep leaking into my life and I wonder if I need to do something about them.

May 2, 2020

So Jesse's gotten really into metal music, and I tried to get her to play me something since, AS PREVIOUSLY ESTABLISHED, that's what we've literally ALWAYS DONE with music and each other, and she kinda looked at Ximena out of the corner of her eye and said like "I don't think it's really your thing" And it was the meanest thing anybody's ever said to me.

So later I looked up Zenion, the band she was talking about, and I listened to every single fucking song they've ever recorded turned up as loud as it could go with my own headphones that are better than hers anyway, and I loved it. And I didn't love it just because she said I wouldn't. I loved it because it was loud and weird and wild and when I listened to it it made me feel like it's not crazy when so feel stuff so hard it's like my heart's gonna vibrate out of my body. And I would have told Jesse all this and we could have shared it, but I guess she thinks just because I like HTB and glitter and stuff, I don't have the capacity for anything else.

She clearly doesn't know me at all. So much for any kind of whatever, why would she ever want to kiss someone she clearly sees as like a stupid baby.

May 7, 2020

The dreams are getting weirder and they're happening more. I'm getting scared to go to sleep. Not that the dreams are always scary (they almost never are, or not scary like in a typically scary horror movie way). I mean, I've only ever been me. I don't know what other peoples' dreams are like.

The other night in one I was jumping on a trampoline, which is something I've never done in real life. I told Rose about it when I woke up, and she said "do you even know how to jump on a trampoline?" and I said "Rose, it's not like riding a bike. You don't have to learn. You just jump." and then we got into this whole thing about how some things we just know, and jumping's one of them, and how that's so weird. Sometimes I really like talking to Rose about stuff.

May 19, 2020

So, it's prom season in the real world. If I lived somewhere normal, my prom dress would be pink with lots of tulle and silk flowers at the shoulders, and it would fit perfectly and trying in dresses would be fun and not anxiety-inducing.

But since there are only like 10 teenagers currently in 7MV, were not having a homecoming. Cool.

May 27, 2020

So, mom came to visit this weekend, and I asked her about her prom. She was Typical Cecelia at first, very "Prom is a waste of time and money, Marin. It's a night when lesser people play dress-up to engage with their aspirations of grandeur." And I was like eyeroll forever and just stopped talking. BUT THEN she actually talked to me like a human being. She was like, "I actually didn't go to my prom" and when I asked her why she said that she didn't have a date, and was very self-conscious about it. I almost passed out at her admitting that she's ever been anything less than perfect.

(gonna continue this in reblog)

[teeswrites]

the one- C.H

first of all iwant to apologize for taking too long for posting this one, but i'm dealing with a broken heart recently and just couldn't write anything... BUT now is done and finally I can share with everyone, so enjoy it :)

vibes:

few disclaimers here:

it contains smut, angst and not a fluffly end, but I think is pretty decent.

hope you like it.

the one

she still remembered the exact day he missed. the day he left her on the read and never texted again. she also remembered the day she heard from Sierra that he was back with his ex. the one which name couldn't be told. not in front of her, not without a lil crisis. Out of the blue, after a year apart, they were back. after all the things he'd said to her "tsc, lier" she said to herself, cause she talked with herself a lot. Not that she didn't have anybody to talk to, she just didn't want to talk with anyone, but him.

"you've to let gooo" her best friend, Delilah, leaned her shoulder on the doorway of her bedroom "no I don't" she was laid on her bed, staring at the ceiling, feet on the wall "see? I've learned that I've got a great taste for socks" and she had, he told it to her "well, if you prefer to stay here, staring at your pink neon socks, go ahead, but I was thinking about taking you to this club Nate is with some friends" "Nate? who's Nate?" Delilah rolled her eyes "the guy I'm dating. C'mon is been 5 months! Forget Calum and come back to real life" she walked into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed" I miss you" she caressed her hair "we all miss you". she was truly being a horrible best friend, and daughter and sister, didn't call home anymore, didn't go out with her friends, just went to college at morning and stayed the rest of the time doing her assignments, reading cliche novels and watching crap series on Netflix, because life didn't seem to have any sense anymore and Lana DelRey apparently knew it better than anyone. So she sat at the mattress and held her friend's hand "okay" Delilah looked at her face "okay?" she half smiled "okay then! get up and let's put you in a slutty dress and get over Calum" "Del" "fine, just a regular dress and bunch of tequila shots" she smiled "you're smiling! oh my god I'm so excited. I will pick you an outfit, go do your hair" "alright mom".

after a lot of hair spray and glitter, she was ready. not mentally but ready to give it a try and she could swear that she forgot Calum's existence since the minute Delilah's playlist started playing at the car "...if you wake up in your bed alone in the dark, I'm sorry, gotta leave before you love me" she hummed at Jonas Brothers song and the wind felt so cool at her face, her bf couldn't be happier "stop smiling like an idiot and tell me about that Nate" "he is great, met him at uni" "cool! which course?" "physics" "creep" "heya!" she laughed "I'm just being honest!" "behave please" I'll do my best" "good" "Del" "yeah?" "I love you. thanks for getting my back she smiled "I love you too".

already at the club she froze at the front door "you're okay?" she took a deep breath, how long she didn't go to a party? "yeah! let's fucking do it" Delilah smiled, threw an arm around her neck and the girls came into the club. a lot of young people dancing and drinking and laughing and being young and happy. she missed all that vitality.

A tall blonde guy walked towards them "hey, hey, the blonde one is Nate. keep cool" "i'm cool" he smiled "he's hot" "shut up!" she laughed "hey babe" "and have a beautiful voice" "stop!" "and a great taste for woman" he added "oww you're so sweet" she pulled his neck and kissed him "that's my best friend" "Oh, hi. i was dying to meet you" "hey, nice to meet you too" another tall guy joined them, a brunette one "hey, Nate, hey Delilah, hey... you" "hi, Pete. that's Del's best friend " they shake hands "hi" "hi. nice to meet you" "haven't I already saw you at uni?" "hum... yeah, maybe I make biology at the uni" "oh cool! i do biology too. marine biology" "no way! do you know Mr. Torrent?" "yeah! the man is a God" "hey, Nate?" "is better to let them talk by themselves unless you rather hear about planktons than snog at the bar" Nate smiled and the couple sneaked away. she didn't even notice at first and when noticed didn't care, Pete was cool and intelligent, and attractive and was flirting with her and she would have loved it if her gaze didn't cross with a dark brown one. Calum's gaze. she held her breath, just hoping he didn't recognize her, but he did and she was hundred percent sure cause he was walking towards her. In a blink of eyes her hands started to get sweaty, and she felt a knot in her throat and she felt the needing of excusing herself to Pete and run away to the first door she found, leaning her back and head on the cold bathroom tile, closing her eyes and hoping she escaped from him, but at the moment she heard the door opening, large steps, and beer mixed with nicotine smell, she knew he was there. such a stroke of bad luck! it was the first time she went out in 5 months just for trying to forget him and who is at the same club on the same night and had the same idea of looking around? yes, he.

"go away Calum!" "since when you have super powers" "I can feel your heavy ego weighing the air" "ouch" she chucked, bitter "ouch! that's how it felt when Sierra told me you and her were back" "look, I..." "don't say anything" he cutted her "but I..." she continued "Cause I like to think you done what you've done for a good reason. That you didn't tell me the truth because someone's life would be in danger if you'd telled me. I like to think you're not the asshole everyone says to me you are" "but I'm" she opened her eyes "I'm an asshole and you should be mad" silence "I've done what I've done because..." "I SAID I DON'T WANT TO HEAR!" she wanted to scream with him so badly "I HAD TO! SHE WAS MISERABLE, VERY MISERABLE!" "oh, you such a nice guy" sarcasm weighed the air instantly "SHE WAS SUICIDAL! Nia she was..." "don't you dare say her name in front of me" "very mature" she rolled her eyes "goodbye Calum" she tried to come back to the party, but he held her arm and said calmly "let's talk" "Calum..." "please" silence "I can't. I... if I do, I'll breakdown and I can't right now" “please” “what’s so important?” "I'm sorry" he said low like a whisper. she turned to him, her gaze and head down "just..." "shut up Calum she said calmly "I’m sorry.." "I SAID SHUT UP! YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT OF DOING WHAT YOU'VE DONE WITH ME OR WITH ANYBODY ELSE JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU CAN AND SIMPLY SAY YOU'RE SORRY! BECAUSE IT DOESN'T FUCKING WORKS LIKE THAT! " and broke down in tears and he couldn't help but wrap his arms around her. guilt almost giving him physical backache. she buried her face in her hands and started crying, he couldn’t do less but trying to comfort her, she was overwhelmed so she buried her full of glitter face on his chest not giving a fuck if it was going to look like a Troll had threw up all over the black fabric. "let everything out" he cooed and she did, but at some point she couldn't anymore, holding the tears back and recomposing herself. She looked at his face “still tall” she thought. His tee was sobbed with her tears, but he was still there, with his arms around her shaking body. It was night, the moonlight reflected on her face, making it looks more glowing and bright than already was “so fucking beautiful” he thought, but he wouldn’t dare to say it out loud. He blinked, she sniffed and they stared at each other’s eyes, for a few minutes before she calmy and suddenly cooed “fuck me”. It was an order. He blushed “huh, I… here?” she sniffed again, shrugged, and repeated “Yeah. Fuck me. Right here. Like, for real, ya know? Pull my panties off and make me feel sore for the week” “I know what fuck means…” he scratched his hair “so do me” more blush. He couldn’t deny something like that. He couldn’t deny anything to her. Not after everything he did. Especially when her soft, small, and warm hands were holding his jawn. Not when she had her tongue stuck on his mouth. Just as she was doing at that moment. He still had a girlfriend, but none of them seemed to care about it, all he cared was about being with her and he let her know it, he owed her, so he moved forwards until their bodies couldn't be more close "I want to think about you…" he dipped, kissing her neck on the right side "…and your breasts…" the left side "… that are making sure to show up tonight…" she closed her eyes and took a deep breath before open it again and in a soft voice ask "and what will you do about it?" "This" he cupped her face and pulled it to kiss her hard. Her hands dancing on his neck and chest, the music muffled by the bathroom door so anticlimactic, but they just didn't give a shit. He parted already feeling the alcohol in his veins, blood boiling, but she pulled him for another kiss, her tongue being so inviting, sliding in his bottom lip, almost immediately letting it pass, bodies pressed so close that she could feel something growing in his pants she giggled between the kisses, she didn’t know why but it was funny “I turned on Calum Hood after he left me for his ex” she bragged to herself, he broke her thoughts with a push,

parting briefly, forcing her to walk backwards till she hit the wall, the one he pressed her against and attacked her lips again, lifting her from the floor, hands cupping her bum, her ankles locked around his waist, hands exploring each other's bodies while he walked into the stall and locked the door, where her back was pressed against. They didn't talk, they didn't have too much to say, at least nothing that wasn't some rudeness. He broke the kiss to focus on her thighs, hands sliding up it, bunching her dress above the hips, panties threw on the floor, a finger filling her, two fingers, until a hustled moan left her lips, he looked up to met her gaze, nails buried on the flesh of his arms "fuck" he smirked to her attempt of having some friction, moving her hips. He held it strongly so she couldn't move too much and pulled down his own pants and boxer, giving what they both desperately needed. Another shit top charts pop music muffled by the bathroom's front door started to play, but their moans, hips colliding and tremors sound against the stall door because of his thrusts, were the only sound listenable by their ears. she choked with pleasure, even in a dirty and smelly club bathroom, he would drive her insane in pleasure. he smiled, rushing his movements, she twerking her hips too, helping him to find her sensitive point. When he found, bringing Heaven to her, only to her, all for her "Calum…" she squeezed his biceps and he rubbed her clit as the sound of his name leaving her lips like a melody "yes?" "I hate you" she said feeling her orgasm, throwing her head against the door, arching her back. Soon, he had his own too, showing how needy he was for her, filling her inside with part of him "you look kinda too much grateful for someone that hates me" she grinned, tartly, resting her forehead on his shoulder next, letting herself feel his heavy breath becomes one with hers.

After they both put themselves together she knew it was time for him to leave her again, at the moment his gaze crossed her earlier, she knew he still wasn’t hers, at least not concretely. "I- I can't..." he started "tell me something new” "So sorry...” he mumbled “but I have to stay by her side" some tears escaped from him and she couldn’t do differently "why?" "Is complicated" she tried to dry the tears but it wasn't working "I don't get it" "neither do I" he brushed his thumb on her face, drying a tear that rolled down "Calum..." "I should go" he gave her his back and walked towards the bathroom door, ready to open it, just about to leave her, not that he felt ready for this, but stopped "you're my one, you know that right?" With all her strengths she stopped crying only to answer him, low tone "you're my one too" he nodded in agreement and without looking at her, dried a tear on his cheek, sniffed, and left cause if he even imagined her face he would’ve stayed with her, pick her instead of Nia. And one day, maybe one day, they would be together cause if someone is your one, is your one. And nothing can separate ‘ones’ at the end.