#I've been 10 different people in the 2 months I've been gone

[koschei-the-ginger]

HI !

I'm back

Who's that guy in my dp though?

[denial-permanente]

You often mentioned that to start off Etsy/ Amazon etc offer cheap Chinese copies of devices which are good to get an idea of what fits.

My thought has always gone to the health risk that there is in buying anything that comes from China and is cheap. Do you have any advice on how to avoid stuff made of harmful plastics/covered in toxic chemicals?

🔏 Okay, buckle in, we're going for a ride.

Very few people in our consumer society know how anything is made. I'm not joking. Even the simplest items most of us buy are mass produced. When I was growing up, most kids had been to "the factory in town" on a class trip to see things produced. I have seen dozens of different kinds of things being made, from baked goods, to bottled soft drinks, to wine, and of course, to manufactured goods (consumer and industrial products). Now, nobody sees these anymore, and no body gets to have any underlying k edge of how things are made, or how good, ie, quality products differ from crappy consumer items. Hell, most schools no longer have regular shop class anymore (I'm told it's a liability 🙄).

All that is a lead up to this: most consumer driven products (like plastic chastity cages) coming from China are cheap because a) they did not have to so k any mo ey I to development costs, and b) the products are cheap enough so that most people don't care if it breaks, and c) most people can't tell the difference between an okay product and a high end one. A $10 crappy product might have sharp edges and burrs, while an okay $30 product won't. But few people will notice or care about the difference between the $30 cage and the $130 or even the $300 cage.

Now, that said, I am wearing a Chinese made A272 cage that I bought about seven or eight years ago, and have been wearing steadily (and now permanently) since. Did I get lucky? Maybe. I've bought other Chinese stainless steel cages just to test them out, and most were junk. And even this particular cage came with a crappy knockoff Burg Wachter ME/2 barrel lock. I ended up buying a few more, better quality locks as backups.

Okay, I got that off my chest. 😅

Here's the problem with buying those cheap Chinese cages: you can't tell what you're getting. The Cobra knockoffs have been reported to have color dye that irritates some people. The locks will probably need to be replaced with decent ones. The molds will probably leave the cages with sharp edges that could irritate sensitive skin. And don't even get me started on the quality of the plastic. Many years ago I bought a cage that was advertised as stainless steel. The cage was, but the rings were cheap metal with chrome plating. That would have been a major reaction for a lot of other guys.

So while I do suggest that some people experiment with the cheap cages in order to get a feel for what works, I also follow that up with suggesting that when they figure out what works, to use that information to help pick out a quality cage. A few months in and out of a crappy cage will probably not poison you; the harmful chemicals in those plastics are fairly well bound up.

And until Consumer Reports starts reviewing them, then about the best you can hope for is reading the various discussion groups to glean whatever information you can.

[ominous-feychild]

✦ Writer Questionnaire 2 ✦

Thanks for the tag, @the-golden-comet! (And @the-letterbox-archives tagging me when I was almost done here, haha)

Heads-up! Long post!

How long have you had your writing Tumblr/Writeblr? A fast and loose estimate is fine!

Two months ago to the date actually??? Or, at least, that's when I first uploaded a story here. My first actual Writeblr post was me hopping in on an open tag on the 6th of June, haha. I thought it was just a month, but looks like the summer's gone by in a flash! 😭

What led you to create it?

So, I'm a writer on Tapas! I'd been attempting to social network on other social medias (twitter and bluesky) but wasn't getting anywhere, didn't like the general formats, and uh... I'm sure I don't have to explain why I don't want to touch Twitter with a 10-foot-pole anymore. Let's just say, if you haven't seen, it's just as bad as (if not worse than) everyone says. Anyhow, I'd seen lots of Tumblr short stories on other platforms and started investigating what it's like here. Didn't know what "Writeblr" was or that it even existed, but eventually stumbled into the field after posting my short story. Thanks, @darkandstormydolls! ❤️

What’s your favorite thing about the Writeblr community?

How supportive everyone is??? Like omg you guys are so sweet, idk how to take it. Also I love seeing how much passion everyone else has for their writing, haha.

What’s one thing you’d like your mutuals to know about you?

Uhhhh, I think I'm pretty open about the things I'd like people to know about me, haha. I never mean to offend, so if I accidentally say something wrong, please tell me! I'm autistic and very dumb.

Is there anything you’d like to see more of on your dash?

I'm ngl I keep meaning to build out my followed tags for my fandoms, haha. The only fandoms I really see things for are TMAGP (10/10, TMA is my obsession. I am obsessed. It is one of my Special Interests and I love it with all my heart) and House of the Dragon??? Except I'm not even a fan of HotD??? So that's kinda annoying, haha. (Aka, my fandom stuff, but that's on me.)

WIP it Good

Which Works-in-Progress (WIPs) or writing projects are you noodling about, lately?

Rising From the Ashes, tragically. (Because it's one of the LAST things I should be working on right now, haha.) Otherwise, I'm of course always obsessed with the Arcane Rifts. Then I force myself to be obsessed with Sun and Shadow, though it's slowly growing on me, haha.

How long have you been working on them?

Haha, so I've historically jumped around a lot in working on different things, so these are approximate guesstimations!

Rising From the Ashes has likely had 3 or 4 years put into it/the characters. If you include the Calamity Crew (which overlaps with it in the timeline and originally ended up merging with the cast of RFtA), I'd say definitely 4 years!

The Arcane Rifts has had 5 years put into it.

Sun and Shadow is very new; I'd say it probably only has about 4 months of work in it? It's part of why I'm less interested in it, haha. Less I've put into it and less I'm attached to.

Do you remember what inspired them/what got you started?

Oh... oh dear. How could you ask me this??? 😭😭😭

Rising From the Ashes has existed since, I think, 2016. It started (tragically) as an RP starter on Google+. I wish I was kidding.

To those unaware of how it worked in that space (and likely similar ones to this day), you'd post a starter and people would join in with their own characters. 99% of the time, they'd drop out before long. However, I'd work out details of the characters in the process and carry that info over into the worldbuilding. I eventually stopped RPing with the masses and settled down with a single "partner" who I'll call Kris.

She's the one who stole my docs.

The Arcane Rifts technically originated as another RP starter? It never got attention, though, and instead my ideas for it simply carried over into the worldbuilding in general.

One of the characters of the original starter was important in the worldbuilding. It was not a character you see in the early books of tAR, though, so don't bother trying to figure it out. But, since he was so important, his origins were also important.

The Arcane Rifts started in 2019, as I wanted to make a story building out said character's origins. It was originally going to be a duology, the first book being Gene's backstory and the second being how Gene and The Other Guy's lives intertwined. (No, they were not gay for each other! 😂) It's since changed a lot, and focuses basically exclusively on Gene, haha. The last book in the series will probably be focused on the other character, though!

Sun and Shadow started for a romance novel competition on Tapas which has since ended. I didn't get to finish it in time for a lot of reasons, but I primarily cite stress and exhaustion from working full time at a physically-intensive job. It grew shockingly quickly and I had some fans donate to me related to it, so I'm kinda forced to work on it, haha. Dw--I like it! It's just harder to work on for a number of reasons, haha.

How much time, in your best estimation, do you spend thinking about them?

Tragic, the questions you're asking me--

It depends, haha. I'm autistic and hyperfixate a lot. Also, for one, that's a suuuuuper vague question??? Like what do you mean "how much time"--how much time within the day? How often in general? Idk, man, haha.

I think about the Arcane Rifts a LOT!

I've put an incredible amount of time and effort into it, and I'm in love with 90% of the characters there. Even the background characters have had a lot of work put into them, getting relatively fleshed-out backstories to make their motives understandable (even if not agreeable!), and I love them all so much, haha.

Except Katerina. She's a bitch.

I also think about Rising From the Ashes a good amount, and it's invaded my brain again lately, haha.

I took a step away from RFtA and basically all of my other stories late 2021 when Kris (my ex-writing partner) and I had a falling out. It was incredibly difficult for me emotionally to look at anything I worked with her on, and obviously RFtA was a huge one (actually, tAR was the only thing of my early works she had nothing to do with). Since early this year, I've finally been able to work on it again and it's been incredibly fun removing her stuff, actually!

I think all that is a good part of why I keep randomly getting obsessed with it again, haha. It's like looking at old friends (the characters, not Kris) and being all "omg??? I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN FOREVER??? PLEASE TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU'VE BEEN UP TO!!!" except it's removing Kris's stuff, haha.

I think about Sun and Shadow a lot more than you might expect with how much I talk about not preferring it, haha. I love the characters! Crow and, actually, Valyarus especially. They're both super interesting characters, and I'll randomly find my brain working out scenes between characters interacting with them.

(The problem with SaS is that, as a book, it's incredibly different from my usual works. It's a small cast of Frey/Crow and technically Daleira, while most of my stories focus on larger casts. It makes for a VERY different experience, and so it's a lot harder to work on)

When someone asks the dreaded, “What do you write about,” question, what do you usually say?

Actually, I've got a ready answer for this one! Until SaS, I was dedicating my time to the Arcane Rifts and had prepared the answer:

Percy Jackson meets Lord of the Rings in a steampunk fantasy world full of ✨mysteries waiting to be uncovered✨

(I'd say the "mysteries waiting to be uncovered" part ironically/accidentally mockingly most of the time, whoops, haha. I always feel awkward advertising my works.)

It was awkward when people would get actually interested in it from there and ask more questions, haha.

To clarify: that's my tagline for the Arcane Rifts! The story has gods and demigods messing with mortals, using them as their playthings and being REALLY immature babies because they don't really face consequences for their actions like PJ. Then, it's a lot more "grounded yet fantastical" like LotR, where magic is kinda infused with reality and yet you still have issues like starving to death and whatnot.

Let’s Rotate Blorbos

Name any characters you created.  Side characters, protagonists, antagonists, characters who’ve never been written, the first original abomination you ever pulled from your ass; whomever you’d like!

UHHHH THERE'S A LOT TO LIST???

Try this for a taste! These are just the guys I've gotten colors for!

Freya, Crow, Daleira, Valyarus, Grimnir, Soren, Gene, Tazin, Mislav, Adilzhan, Ludmila, Rada, Caspar, Nikolai, Gennadi, Oska, Rieka, Liesel, Carmin, Nora, Sammy, Kieva, Caron, Varik, Elazi, Riaan, Roman, and Tiberius! (Though Tib is getting a name change sooner or later)

Who’s the most unhinged?

Unhinged in which way? There's a lot of options there, haha.

I'm going to give honorary mentions to Valyarus, Gene in the later books, Tazin, Rieka, Gennadi, and Tiberius ! (Why does it not surprise me that most unhinged characters are from tAR? 🤣 Also I swear it's a coincidence most of the unhinged characters are red.)

(... Probably.)

In general, I'd say that, incredibly ironically, the Existence of Order is the most unhinged of all my characters. She's just incredible at hiding it.

(Tbf half of the Existentials probably belong on the "unhinged" list anyway but eh. They still don't compare to Order!)

Who comes the most naturally for you to write?

I'm going to give this as a tie between Gene and Sammy!

Gene has my 'tisms and just about all of my trauma, so we have a lot in common, whoops, haha. Also there's a... very specific detail about his character that makes him easier to write in general. It's just a major spoiler. 👀

Similarly and actually identically to Gene in some ways, while Sammy has a lot in common with me, he's also incredibly perceptive! (Although we don't share that fact.)

Due to the way I write, their analytical natures allow for them to spit straight facts about the worldbuilding and the people around them rather than beating around the bush, haha. Both are highly investigative, try to learn and understand everything around them, and notice small details other characters wouldn't! It makes it much easier for me to write, because uh... well here's an example of what my outlines look like.

Long story short: I include a lot of detail which I then transfer into the POV's character narration, cutting out details which they wouldn't notice or think about, haha. In Sammy's case (which that scene has Sammy as the narrator/POV character), very little information gets cut out because he's so perceptive!

(Here, as a treat--have another example!)

(In this scene, Nikolai is the narrator. Even the outline gets "filtered" to mirror the characters' way of thinking--like it's Nikolai himself seeing Caspar as "doll-like". The crossed-out stuff is details I most likely won't mention, but noted for myself, haha. I do the same thing if/when including details about the motives and thoughts of non-narrator characters.)

Do you ever cringe at them?

Gene and Sammy?

A B S O L U T E L Y .

Gene is a wreck in basically every way and desperately needs help (that he won't get until he meets Dimitry). As much as I love him, there's a lot of moments where you just can't help but wince and be all "shit, did you REALLY have to do/say that?"

Sammy on the other hand? He's a terrified, control freak manipulator who panics the moment he feels like he's losing control of a situation. It can be painful to watch, even if simultaneously fascinating.

How much control do you feel you have over your characters?  AKA, do they ever “write themselves,” refuse to cooperate, or do things you didn’t expect? To what degree? Are some less cooperative than others?

I explicitly go out of my way to add backstory to and develop each and every one of my characters until they "write themselves", haha.

I want my characters to feel like real people, so I do my absolute best to make them as real as possible. (That's part of why tAR is so massive...)

Special shoutout to Dimitry here, btw. Dude COMPLETELY screwed over the planned and intended from the earliest days path of the Arcane Rifts. I've mentioned before that Gene is villain-coded, yeah? Want to know why?

Because he was MEANT to be one! Then Dimitry had to come along, be the sweetest, nicest fucking person around to Gene while he was going through the worst part of his life, and keep Gene from slipping off the deep end!

MITRY, YOU PIECE OF--

Do you enjoy people asking questions about your characters? And do you have a preferred means of receiving said questions? For example, as Asks, as replies, as reblogs, as tag notes, as comments on AO3, etc.

I absolutely love, love, love!!! people asking questions about my characters!!! 🥰

I would absolutely prefer them as Asks sent to me, and especially would prefer if separate subjects/questions were sent in separate Asks! Like, say you were going to ask me about Gene and Dimitry. I'd rather two separate Asks, one asking for whatever you wanted to know about Gene and another for whatever you wanted to know about Dimitry, haha. However, if you wanted to ask a single question about both, that obviously is fine as a single Ask!

On writeblr engagement

What makes you want to follow another Writeblr account? Do you follow ‘em as you see ‘em, or take time scoping out the blog to make sure you align with its content? Do you follow based on WIPs, or vibes?

I definitely scope out before I follow, yes.

I choose based primarily on the personality of the person behind the blog, but the WIPs/vibes can also have an influence on my decision, haha. I'd rather follow people with kind/supportive personalities, and I'll eventually start liking their stories even if they're not initially my thing!

What makes you decide against following?

Bigotry. Moment I see it, I'm on the lookout for even the slightest hint of more and, if I see it, I'm OUT!

(That includes things like: homophobia, transphobia, TERFs, ableism, racism, xenophobia, etc.)

Also, while I include angst in my stories, the people who are big on "I have nothing but bad stuff in my writing and I'm proud" are, uh... not on my "follow" list. While they can write what they want and enjoy it, grimdark is not my thing. Angst is best in moderation and I very purposely control the amount of it in my life.

(Also Kris's--my ex writing partner's--obsession with "grimdark-ness" is a good part of why I'm so ecstatic to remove her stuff from my writing. Yes, I've tried it. For years. I hated it. Please and thank you. Also note that I proudly call myself an evil writer, so it's not like I don't love angst, it's just--moderation. Seriously.)

Do you interact with non-mutuals often?

Yes! I think a good 50-30% of my interactions are with non-moots, haha. I go out of my way to try to support my moots, but I'll definitely share support with anything that catches my attention, no matter who it's from!

To be fair, though, I think a majority of non-moots I interact with are on my mental "probably going to follow soon" list. I can be slow to make decisions, haha. It doesn't help that I try being active with my moots, so I'm trying to avoid growing that list too quickly!

Do your mutuals’ characters occupy space in your noodle?

Haha, depends what you mean by that? My brain is definitely too full of my own characters to have any space for anyone else's, but I definitely do think of others' characters at times! There's plenty of y'alls characters I really like, haha.

Just... omg, my hyperfixated AuDHD brain refuses to focus on anything except for the Hyperfixation of the Moment™.

This was a huge one! Hopefully I'm not screaming into the void with this one, or you guys enjoy finding out more about me and my WIPs.

If you're curious about the reason this is labeled Writer Questionnaire 2... well guess what!

Tagging (gently! This is a lot, haha): @honeybewrites @yourpenpaldee @paeliae-occasionally @mysticstarlightduck @illarian-rambling @.darkandstormydolls (tagged you earlier in the post haha) + open tags!

Divider from @cafekitsune!

[st-eve-barnes]

I feel like I haven't been very active on here lately so just a little update for those who noticed.

The last weeks of August a young fandom friend of ours passed away (lost her battle with cancer). Then a client of mine who I've worked for for over 10 years died in the same week (he was 90, a life well lived but it still happened quickly and rather unexpectedly) and last week a close friend lost his father to cancer as well.

There's been so much death around and it's made me very anxious. It also made me want to focus on life more and the people around me, because it can all be gone so soon.

I'm trying to get back into fandom and find the distraction there that I know I could use right now but it's not doing much for me lately. Even before this the calm in the hotd fandom and negative vibe after season 2 made me pull back a lot, I wish things were different. I'd love to be writing right now, to have something creative to focus on but I just don't have the energy or the inspiration.

I'm not giving up entirely though. Maybe I need some new fandoms to get me excited again.

A good thing is my favorite months of the year have started, so that is something that always makes me feel better and more energetic and something I will try to focus on and share on here (so expect a lot of autumn/Halloween posts I guess😊)

[ckret2]

3rd times the charm (writing this i lost what i wrote 2 times already) questions/related for/to goldilocks bill 

1 is mabel adhd and or some neurodivergent cuz of hw/grade thoughts/feeling /comments made/referenced and was this me being delusional/implied and will only be implied in the story/foreshadow something or just 

2 can bill hid his cycle long term and who restocks mables pads cuz if its her what does she think of a huge chunk going missing and if not how long and with mable in ca and melody maybe moving out what would he do what are his thoughts on having to ask for menstrual products like asking would be humiliating on a scale of 1 to 10 who would he ask most to least likely what beliefs/knowledge/feeling do the other characters have on periods 

3 would he have any thoughts/preference on different menstrual products like pads/tampons/cups/other items i don't know or it the theme/art the only difference 

4 sorry if this is gross (S&P would never approve) but would bill if he had period blood at the time gone for round 3 of battle of hygiene used the period blood like his stink and the sink incident as bargaining/negotiations chips for something cuz i hate how messy period blood is in my experience and just experience with so many peoiple being so repulsed by it (would he possibly think its funny like blood haha and the blood clots like slipe)

5 why did he get one so soon like his body is 2 weeks old ( i think i'm bad with time(time is and illusion anyway)) but anxiety, depression, sudden weight loss/gain, being under/over weight, extreme exercise, and poor nutrition are some of the relevant things that can make you miss your period and bills got oodles of poor nutrition depression anxiety and maybe (going on only sooses comment so far) sudden weight loss (for me just eating 2 to 1 meals (1 school lunch the other fast food) a day for a long time meant i didn't get a period for like 6 months) but is it the fact it's so new and axolotl set to easy thats he got one (also i don't mean to be rude i have no knowledge of what you do/dont know about periods and stuff)

6 for the kryptos gang Maybe when the accident happens bill rips holes in the dimension of accident and only they are lucky/unlucky enough to fall and get translated though not knowing it was bill and not in bills view/doesn't know/thinks that killed them? And end up stranded in an extremely unknown place worried about the shit going down in the dimension and latter get rumors it was destroyed and they grieve But that way bill is  alone in the aftermath and people spread no survivors present and these shapes are standed  he meets/collects them that way he can promise them something better would them not knowing erase or amplify the guilt or would them know bill did it make more sense sorry if this is bad i know that i don't articulate myself well disclaimer i have not read the book of bill (im :,( broke rn).i have seen some of the website but would this work with cannon and your story i also don't know how the dimension stuff would go would they up or down a dimension maybe the axolotl translated them cuz reason idk or bill accidently did it when the holes ripped open

god that's a lot of text to lose twice I'm so sorry lmao

1. Yes, I write Mabel as ADHD. I don't know if it will ever be directly stated in the fic, primarily because I doubt she's gonna get a diagnosis; but I'm drawing on the experiences of family, friends, & myself to write her.

2. Mabel thinks "hmmm... I used those a lot faster than I expected... but I've been using these less than a year, maybe I just don't have a good sense of how fast I use them yet."

Bill wouldn't consider asking for them any more or less humiliating than having to ask his captors for food access, shower access, or sunlight access. He has no taboos or shame associated with bleeding out of a hole for most of a week, being ashamed of that is a human cultural thing; but he is consistently humiliated by needing to ask his captors to please let him have the basic resources he needs for his stupid body maintenance.

But remember he just got a room with a fridge and permission from Soos to stick whatever he wants on the household grocery list. He doesn't need to specifically ask his captors for period supplies. He can just... put it on the grocery list. Now it's Soos's problem. Maybe Abuelita's, I feel like she might prefer to do the shopping if it's not too strenuous for her yet.

3. Tampons can kill you so Bill thinks humans are pretty dumb to use them. He doesn't much care beyond that. He's used exactly one product.

4. I can't think of a reason he wouldn't but I'm not interested in exploring weaponized hygiene more than I already have.

5. He's been in his body over five weeks. He got the one period he's had so far almost 4 weeks in, giving him a cycle only slightly longer than average. (Even if he HAD gotten one two weeks in—how do you know his body wasn't just created already halfway through a cycle?) He's had a shit month but he started off in good enough health for it not to immediately matter and the shittiest most physically & mentally grueling part of the month (the eclipse + execution) came after he'd bled.

6. begs a lot of questions—"how" "why them" "where were they" "why didn't Bill find out sooner" "why DID he find out". Doesn't feel airtight enough to me. Plus, I already know EXACTLY how Bill's dimension is destroyed, and random rips in the dimension aren't part of it.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I posted my art from a zine early?

I (23nb) joined a zine for a semi obscure 2000s manga/anime as a page artist with two of my friends. I enjoy this media but I don't really consider myself in the fandom, I only joined because one of my aforementioned friends is a huge fan of it and the other friend is also a casual enjoyer and we thought it would be fun if we all did a zine together.

However.

Most zines have a timeline of around 9-10 months from beginning to publishing but this one's been in production for almost 2 years. I've been in a few zines and this one has the worst organization I've ever seen in any project. The timeline on the discord only covered the first 5 months and had no estimate for how long the production would be, but a year and a half for publishing is pretty unheard of. The only check-in for progress that I remember didn't even require sending in your piece, you just had to say if you were finished or not and only a handful of the 30ish people on the discord responded lmao. Both of my friends ghosted at this point and the Singular mod (there might be two mods. I can't really tell) didn't dm them to see if they still wanted to participate or anything. Since there is only one person doing everything me and a few others have asked if they need any help and every time the mod(s) say that they're fine. every month or two someone will ask how the production is going and the mod will answer, and then another month goes by and the cycle repeats. I think the zine has finally gone into its “preorder interest check” stage (so not the actual preorder) but judging by how long everything takes i estimate that it'll be another 2 months at least before it actually goes into preorder. Its also never been clear if this is a free zine or if the sales will be donated to charity or distributed among the contributors. Since there's Allegedly going to be a physical copy it's gotta at least use the sales money to pay for production and shipping costs, but I have no idea if I'll be compensated with a physical copy or any money, especially if I do the thing that I might be TA for.

So here's my actual question. WIBTA if I posted the art I made for the zine before the mod says it's ok to do so? A big part of zine etiquette is that you do not post the final piece until the zine is finished, and the repercussions for someone who does range from a mod dming them to take it down or being kicked out of the zine entirely or in the absolute worst case, called out and blacklisted in the fandom and zine circles (I don't think anything that serious will happen to me but I have anxiety so I'm always imagining the worst thing) Most of the people on Tumblr in this fandom are kind of annoying fandom mom millennial types so I don't really want to deal with any possible backlash from them lol. If I just posted my art on Instagram idk if any of them would see it, but they Definitely would if I posted on Tumblr since the zine originated on there and it's such a small tag. I'm also so frustrated with the experience I kind of want to write something cunty in the description about how it's a zine piece for a zine that probably will never come out but I know that's just being petty and would probably invite drama. Also since I drew this thing a year and a half ago it's a little busted looking so I might redraw parts of it, so posting it would still be kinda shitty but it would technically be a different piece from the original one I submitted to the zine.

What are these acronyms?

[sjsmith56]

More Than a Client - A Private Man, Chapter 3

Summary: Tracey admits that she has become emotionally involved with Bucky. Before she’s free to date him there is a two month cooling off period with no contact. While she is gone, an incident occurs.

Length: 4.3 K

Characters, Bucky, Rebecca, Tracey, Amina, Marie.

Warnings: Some angst from Bucky. Intervention in a crime.

Author notes: I’ve tried to show a “normal” sibling relationship between Bucky and Rebecca. She likes to tease him but she loves him dearly. He loves her just as much but doesn’t quite know how to respond to her teasing. Shukran lika – Arabic for thank you [from Google Translate].

<<Chapter 2

☕️ 🍪 🍕

On Tuesday Amina showed up at 1:30 to watch Rebecca, bringing some ingredients with her to do some more baking for them.  When Bucky offered to pay her for her efforts she put her hand out in opposition.

"No, Mr. Bucky," she stated.  "I bake because I like you and Mrs. Rebecca.  You are friends and it is my pleasure to bake for my friends."

"But you do so much already," he said.  "We were strangers 10 days ago."

"In my religion there is a saying," she replied.  "If you help someone, Allah helps you.  Someday my family will need help and I am ensuring that I will receive it."

"You're very kind," replied Bucky.  "Shukran lika."

"You're very welcome.  Now go to your meeting.  Say hello to Miss Tracey Harris."  He looked surprised at her.  "You think none of us noticed the looks between you?  She is a good woman and needs a good man.  You can be good for each other.  Go, don't be late."

Shaking his head Bucky left for the coffee shop, located a few blocks away.  He arrived first and ordered himself a regular coffee.  Nursing it, he waited patiently.  When Tracey arrived he stood up and pulled a chair out for her.

"What would you like?" he asked.  "My treat."

"Um, a caffè latte, please," she said.  "I wouldn't mind a snack.  I didn't get lunch today.  Just a muffin, perhaps."

Bucky nodded and ordered her coffee and a carrot muffin.  He waited for the coffee and brought it the table.  Sitting across from her he sipped his drink.

"Foggy Nelson came yesterday," he said.  "Rebecca really likes him.  He suggested a different way to make sure I get the house, joint tenancy with survivorship ... something like that.  It means my name goes on the deed and if anything happens to Rebecca then I'm her immediate survivor.  She is still doing a will for her personal possessions.  He's also going to look into my back pay claim.  I won't hold my breath on that."

"He is very passionate about his job," said Tracey.  "He and his partner have helped a lot of people who have lost faith in the system.  If he can get your back pay settled you could switch to day shift and live a more normal life.  That's your goal isn't it?  A normal life with your sister?"

"I guess," replied Bucky, trying not to stare too much.  "I haven't really had a normal life since the 40s.  Not sure I remember how to live one.  Although I guess if I switched to day shift I could start dating, if I met someone who would go out with me.  I tried the dating apps but ...."

He stopped, embarrassed at telling her what type of woman swiped right on his profile in the dating apps.  She smiled sympathetically.

"I can understand what you're going through," she said, "more than you think.  I've been divorced for four years and I think I've had maybe four dates in all that time.  Two of them wanted me to go home with them right away and were angry that they spent money on me and I didn't put out."  Bucky frowned at that admission.  "One was angry over his own divorce and spent the entire date complaining about women who were out to emasculate men."

She stopped and took a drink of her coffee.  "And the fourth one?" asked Bucky, gently.

She took another drink of her coffee before speaking.  "Was charming and sociable.  Then I woke up alone in a cheap motel and didn't remember how I got there .... You can guess the rest."

Bucky seethed inside, that someone would do such a thing.  He knew of guys who had done similar things before the war and had taken justice into his own hands a few times.  He swallowed his anger and looked at Tracey.

"I'm sorry," he said.  "It didn't happen often in my day but even once was too much.  It must have put you off of dating completely."

"It did," she admitted, then she sipped her coffee and looked at her cup.  "Then I met a kind, quiet, private man who faced his own challenges.  He asked me out and I had to turn him down because he was technically a client but as of yesterday he's not anymore."

She kept looking at her coffee for a moment then raised her eyes to his surprised look.  "Me?  You're talking about me?"

"I talked to my supervisor," she said.  "Told her I stayed the night at your house to watch your sister while you worked the night shift, and that I gave you both a ride to the newcomer centre for a social event on the weekend, then organized a Sunday meeting with the volunteers at your house.  She agreed that I've become emotionally involved with you and Rebecca.  Another nurse will take her on as a client."

"You're not in trouble, are you?" he asked, his face and voice full of concern.  "I never wanted you to get into trouble."

"No, it's a hazard of the profession," replied Tracey, with a slight smile.  "I reported it right away like I was supposed to.  After a cooling off period I'll be free to go out with you, if you're willing to wait a bit."

Bucky felt a warmth inside that he hadn't felt for a long time, not since the war when he thought he fell in love with an army secretary.  He never had the chance to find out about her because he fell from the train a week later.  Tracey's cheeks were coloured pink and she looked anxious, as if she had put herself out on a limb and was afraid to climb back to the safety of the tree trunk.

"How long is the cooling off period?" he asked, trying to keep his voice calm.

"Two months," she replied.  "No contact with each other.  The new nurse has been fully briefed on the situation and agrees that Rebecca needs to be at home with you.  The volunteers are doing a great job and if you get the funding to hire someone they can apply for the job and actually get paid for it."

Bucky took a big breath and sat back for a moment.  He never expected that Tracey would take the step of transferring Rebecca's case to someone else.  She still wasn't looking at him and he realized that he hadn't really said he would be there for her.

"I came here with the intention of asking you to give up Rebecca as a client," he admitted.  "I like you, a lot.  You're a kind woman and you've been very understanding with me.  I'll wait as long as it takes for your cooling off period.  You're worth it to me.  I just hope I'm worth it to you."

She smiled shyly and it was like a fountain began flowing inside of him at the sight of her lovely smile, that she was gifting to him.  They both took a drink of their coffees and Tracey finished her muffin.  When it was time to go Bucky walked her to her car, waiting patiently as she unlocked the door and opened it.  He looked intently at her, unable to take his eyes off of her lips.  Suddenly she put her hand on his cheek and he leaned down kissing her gently.  They each smiled self consciously then he stepped back while she got behind the wheel.  As she pulled away he watched until he couldn't see her car anymore.  Both of them had the same soft look on their faces.

When he walked in the door of the house both Amina and Rebecca noticed Bucky didn't have his normal stoic face on.  Instead he had what Amina thought was a hopeful face, as if he had seen something that made him feel good about his life.

"How did the coffee date go?" asked Rebecca.

"It wasn't a date," said Bucky, sounding positive.  "It was a meeting with your former nurse.  I say former because you'll have a new nurse starting Friday.  I forgot to ask for her name."

"What about Miss Tracey?" asked Amina, taking a tray of cookies out of the oven.  

"She asked to be removed as Rebecca's nurse," he said, stopping so that he was in between the kitchen and the living room, visible to both women.  "Apparently, if she is emotionally involved with a client it's not ethical for her to stay on as their nurse.  She'll be able to visit as a friend in two months."

"Two months is a long time," noted Rebecca.

"I'll manage," said Bucky.  "Amina, I need to take a nap.  Are you going to be here for a while?"

"For about another hour," she said, looking at the clock on the wall.  "Sweet dreams."

Rebecca snorted as Amina giggled.  Bucky’s face coloured up a bit but nothing was going to affect the good feeling he had since he kissed Tracey.  Kicking his shoes off, he laid on top of the bed.  The window was open and he could hear bird song outside.  Focussing on that he fell into an easy sleep quickly.

There's a song playing as he and Tracey are standing close to each other.  He's heard it on the radio before but he doesn't know the title or who sings it.  The lyrics include references to Rudolph Valentino and Greta Garbo but what he really likes is that he's in a suit, Tracey is in a dress and they begin dancing to this song.  They're in a garden, with fairy lights all around, and the moon is making everything glow in its silvery light.  The song ends with him falling in love with her and what is even better, her falling in love with him.  As the dream fades to darkness Bucky kisses Tracey passionately.

Bucky opened his eyes and sat up.  That song was in his head.  He could hear it but except for Valentino, Garbo and falling in love he couldn't discern the rest of the lyrics.  He got up and noticed Rebecca was asleep on her bed.  For a minute he watched her chest rise and fall as she rested, then he closed the door.  A note was on the kitchen counter.

I helped Mrs. Rebecca go to bed at 3:30 pm and left shortly after.  I'm happy for you and Miss Tracey.  She is worth waiting for.  I will see you Thursday for my regular shift.

Amina Nyok

He smiled then opened the fridge and took out the chicken breasts he defrosted.  He also took out mushrooms, baby spinach and three cloves of garlic.  He sliced the mushrooms, crushed the garlic and put them both in the frying pan with some olive oil, then added the baby spinach and some thyme.  While that cooked he sliced pockets in the chicken and seasoned them with salt and pepper.  He stuffed the mushroom filling in the pockets, added some mozzarella and sealed the pockets with toothpicks.  Adding some more butter to the frying pan he added the chicken breasts and browned them then transferred them to a baking dish.  For a moment he thought he heard something and he checked on Rebecca.

"Are you awake?" he asked quietly.

"Just," she said sleepily.  "You must have heard me stretching."

He chuckled and came to the side of the bed.  "Do you want to get up?" he asked.  "I can get you up now or continue to make supper and get you up later."

"Now is good," she said.  "Bathroom first."

He helped her sit up and transferred her into the bathroom.  As he lifted her up with one arm he helped her remove her pants and the diaper then lowered her onto the raised toilet seat.

"You good?" he asked.

She nodded and he went back to the kitchen to get the next set of ingredients out for the rice.  When she was done Rebecca called him for help then he carried her into the living room and placed her on the arm chair.  Turning on the TV he put it on the news and returned to the kitchen to continue making dinner.  Half an hour later it was all ready and he served her meal then went back for his.  They watched the news then Bucky watched Jeopardy with Rebecca, trying to guess the answers with her.  During a commercial break she looked at her brother.

"You usually read during these shows," she said.  "What's got you in a good mood?"

"I guess I feel good about Tracey," he said after a moment.  

"I'm glad for you," replied Rebecca.  "I just hope her replacement is as nice as she was."

"It'll be alright," said Bucky.

The commercial ended and they continued to watch Jeopardy.  By the time Kalyna came for her shift Rebecca was all ready for bed and Bucky read her another bed time story, this time a chapter from Tuesdays With Morrie.  He kissed her goodnight, said goodnight to Kalyna and ran to the docks.  The following morning Foggy was back with all the documents and they signed everything.

On Friday morning Bucky made sure the house was clean and he had coffee ready.  Amina had baked again, lovely almond cookies that he had a hard time not eating.  When the doorbell rang at 9:30 he went to the door, looked through the cutout window and saw an older woman waiting.  Her eyes grew big when she saw him.

"My goodness, it really is you," she said, then she offered her hand.  "Marie Peters.  I'm the public health nurse assigned to your sister, Rebecca Proctor.  You must be Bucky Barnes."

"I am," he said.  "Come in, please."

He introduced her to his sister and offered a coffee, bringing a small plate of the cookies which she smiled at.  She got right to business, checking Rebecca's blood pressure, pulse, heart, lungs, strength, and asking her several questions about her mental state.  When she was finished she sat back and looked at the two of them.

"Well, Tracey wasn't kidding," she said to Rebecca.  "You're lucky to have a brother who takes such good care of you.  The volunteers who look after her overnight must be good people.  As far as I can tell you're in excellent health.  As for you, Mr. Barnes ... well, most of us were wondering why Tracey would pull herself off this case but I get it now.  You're a handsome man for someone so old."

Bucky's face reddened and Rebecca smiled at this nurse.  "Even the volunteers could see there were sparks between them," she said.  "Tracey is a lovely lady.  How is she doing with her new cases?"

Marie looked at them blankly.  "She didn't tell you?" she asked.  "Tracey is on leave.  She's taken two months off to do some volunteer work in Central America."  Marie noticed Bucky's face.  "Oh dear, it looks like I let the cat out of the bag.  Look, don't see anything nefarious in this.  It was something that came up and she probably took it so that she wasn't tempted to make contact with you during the cooling off period.  If you care about her you'll accept that she'll be back in two months and you'll both be free to see each other."

Bucky nodded but both women could see the disappointment on his face.  When Marie left Bucky plopped himself down on the sofa and looked at Rebecca.

"Why would she leave and not tell me?" he asked.  "I can accept she would remove herself from temptation but to not even say goodbye?  What am I supposed to think?"

"Have faith in her Bucky," said Rebecca soothingly.  "It will be alright."

As happy as Bucky had been the previous few days once he heard Tracey was out of the country he seemed depressed to everyone who cared about him.  During the week the volunteers brought special baking to cheer him up.  While he was polite to them it was obvious their efforts were not enough to help him feel better.  After Marie's next visit the following Friday even she commented on his demeanour when he abruptly excused himself to go to the store while she was there.

"You'll have to excuse him," said Rebecca.  "Tracey really connected with him.  He's not happy she didn't say goodbye before leaving."

"I emailed her," replied Marie, lowering her voice even though they were the only ones there.  "She feels terrible about it, thinks she might have offended him."

Both women shook their heads over the couple.  Bucky returned shortly before Marie left, carrying a couple of bags of groceries in one hand and mail in the other.  He went straight to the kitchen to put things away then stood at the counter looking at the envelopes.  One of them caught his attention and he looked at it with his jaw set firmly.  Looking up as Marie said her goodbyes he waited until she left before he came into the living room and sat near Rebecca with the envelope.

"It's from Tracey," he said.  "Postmarked Belize."

"You going to read it?" asked Rebecca.

He glanced at her and opened the envelope, unfolded the letter and began reading it.  Rebecca watched as his face became more relaxed and soft.  Then he looked at his sister.

"She's sorry.  She wanted to tell me but was afraid of my reaction, that I would think she was abandoning me.  She did it so that she wasn't tempted to show up at the door."

"Does that make you feel better?" asked Rebecca.  

He flushed and nodded.  "I thought she changed her mind about me.  You know ... my issues were too much for her."

"Bucky, come here," ordered his sister.  He got up and kneeled before her as she took his hand.  "You are a good man.  You're kind, understanding, and you feel things deeply.  What you went through affected you.  Even I can see that.  What's important is that you keep on trying.  She obviously cares if she sent you this letter.  Even if you don't hear from her until she returns believe that she thinks about you.  Because you're worth it."

She placed her hand on his face and kissed his forehead.  He nodded his head in acknowledgement and hugged her.  Her words comforted him and he was glad to hear them.  Just at that moment his phone rang and he pulled it out of his pocket.

"It's Sam," he said, as he touched the Accept button and put it to his ear.  "Hey, how's it going?"

"So, did you talk to that nurse?" asked Sam's voice on speaker.  

Bucky blushed, forgetting he had it on speaker.  Rebecca grinned at him and sat back.  

"Yeah, we talked," said Bucky.  "She already asked to be released from Rebecca's case.  There's a two month cooling off period where we can't communicate so she's gone to Belize to do some volunteer nursing work there."

"That will go by fast," said Sam.  "Listen, I have some lobbying to do in Washington next week.  You up to having me sleep on your couch for next weekend?  Figured it was time to connect with my friend and his sister.  How you doing, Rebecca?  Did he leave the phone on speaker?"

"Yes, he did Sam," laughed Rebecca.  "You're more than welcome to spend the weekend.  Maybe you and I can go out for a night on the town.  Hit up a blues club or something."

"I like your style," said Sam.  "You're a lot more fun than your brother."

"I like the blues," said Bucky weakly.  "Rebecca's usually in bed by 9:30.  Those places don't even get going until then."  Rebecca punched him on the arm and Bucky recoiled, rubbing the spot where she hit.  "Thanks, Sam.  My sister just assaulted me."

Sam chuckled.  "You're the one calling your younger sister old.  I'll see you next weekend."

"Hey Sam," said Rebecca.  "Bring the suit.  Perhaps you can make an appearance at the agency that's been helping us out.  They're great people and I know they would love to have a visit from Captain America."

"I was bringing the suit and I think that's a great idea," replied Sam.  "See you both.”

Bucky put his phone back in his pocket and stood up.  "How do you feel about pizza for dinner?" he asked.  "It's been a while."

"Loaded but no onions," said Rebecca with a smile.

"You got it," he replied, and searched his phone for the nearest pizza place, ordering two large loaded pizzas, no onions.  "You want a beer with that?  I could run out quickly and get some before they deliver."

"Sure," she answered.  "Leave me some money in case they come early."

He pulled out enough cash for her and headed out to get some cold beer, a two block run.  Quickly grabbing a six pack he brought it up to the cash register, noticing the cashier's face was red with some tear tracks.  She didn't make eye contact with him and he could feel his senses go on full alert.  Calming himself he listened for her heartbeat realizing it was pounding away.  What was more, there was another heartbeat, from under the counter in front of her.

"Hey, do you have any of those, what do you call them, coolers?" he asked, then he pointed below the counter and gave her a thumbs down.  "I looked but I couldn't find what I wanted.  Do you think you have more in back?"

She nodded and moved to help him when he saw the tip of a sawed off shotgun coming up from below.  Quicker than anyone could react Bucky grabbed the muzzle, yanking it up and out of the robber's hands, pulling him up with it.  The man grabbed the girl while holding a knife in his other hand but Bucky cocked the shotgun and placed it against the man's neck, using his left hand so he didn't get his fingerprints on it.

"I can fire this before you take your next breath," said Bucky.  "Put the knife on the counter and let her go." The man did as he was told and Bucky looked at the woman.  "You okay?  Go ahead and call the police.  He's not going anywhere."

She phoned the police then came around to Bucky.  He put his arm around her shoulder as she began to cry.  Keeping his eye on the robber Bucky tried to calm her.

"You'll be okay," he said.  "I've dealt with assholes like this before.  They're cowards."

"Thank you," she said, as her sobs subsided.  "I thought he would kill me.  Three other people came in and said nothing.  Just bought their stuff and left."

"Well, I'm not them, am I," stated Bucky.  They could hear the sirens get closer.  "Police are almost here."  He looked at the guy.  "Get down on the floor and put your hands behind your head.  Do it, before my trigger finger twitches.”

The man did as he was told and Bucky put the gun on the counter beside the knife.  When the police arrived he pointed to the man on the ground.  Quickly he told them his name and what he did.

"Listen, I've left my sister alone at the house," he said.  "She's in a wheelchair and isn't supposed to be on her own for too long.  Can you come and take my statement there?  She's probably wondering where I am as I was only supposed to be here a few minutes."

Bucky showed them his driver's licence to confirm his address and the officer said he could go.  The girl hugged him then gave him his six pack in thanks.  He ran back home and found the pizza delivery guy sitting in the living room with Rebecca, chatting.

"Here he is," she said.  "What took you so long?  I didn't have enough money.  I need another eight dollars"

"Sorry," said Bucky, pulling out a ten dollar bill and handing it to the man.  "Would you believe the store was being robbed?  Poor kid at the till was terrified.  The police are coming here to take my statement."

The man looked at the ten dollars and pushed it back to Bucky.  "Keep it.  If you stopped a robbery I can cover the rest of bill."

"No, I couldn't ask that of you," said Bucky.  "Pay it forward.  I'm good."

The man nodded and left.  Bucky took the pizzas into the kitchen, getting some plates out.  He put two pieces on a plate for Rebecca and brought it out with a beer.  Then he put four pieces on his plate and opened a beer for himself.  Just as he sat down the doorbell rang and he opened it to the policeman who came to take his statement.  As Rebecca sat and beamed at her brother he told the officer what happened.  After Bucky signed off on his statement the officer stood up and offered Bucky his hand.

"I heard of you when you were the Winter Soldier," he said.  "I was on duty when you and Captain America took on those Flag Smashers.  You did good that night.  You did good today.  It's been an honour to meet you Mr. Barnes.  You're a good man."

Nodding at Rebecca the officer left and she ate her second piece of pizza, proud that her brother was Bucky Barnes.

Chapter 4>>

Series Masterlist

Please support the author by reblogging.

[theoneofwhomisblue]

Maybe following 3,000 people isn't great

Because I fucking hate scrolling through this fucking site now

I'm not even joking, I fucking hate this shit

This site sucks ass

Also if this post has less than 10 notes in 3 hours I'm deleting it

I know this is completely my fault. I also don't give a fuck

I'm too tired to curate my page to be decent for me

I'm so fucking tired

This site sucks ass

Reddit sucks ass

Tumblr sucks ass

The Internet fucking sucks

Google is constantly bitching at me to pay for more space in my account cause I habitually download every Tumblr and reddit image resulting in 13 gigabytes of bullshit

I fucking hate this

Anyway

I'll find better stuff to post tomorrow

Or not

I don't know

I'm so fucking tired

Kill myself

What the fuck do I do with my time now? Is there another site or app worth my time?

Tumblr's ass, I'll still use it but it's dogshit

I'm too tired to even do reddit anymore

Twitter is fucking disgusting and gets worse by the day because of dipshit mcmusk

And that's all that comes to mind

YouTube is constant background noise, but the algorithm there is fucked up too

I hate every video thats recommended to me

I'm not doing fucking tiktok

I don't care about my standards anywhere else, but no fucking tiktok

What else is there now?

Oh yeah, I can't comment on webtoon because I accidentally said fuck in a comment, so all the fun community stuff there is gone now too

All the webtoons suck ass anyway

The only fucking app that hasn't disappointed me is cookie clicker

Been playing it for like 400 days

I make continual progress

I just check in every two days to pop the wrinklers

Then after a month or two on a run I check in after a week

Until my legacy points start to plateau, then I reset

And get all the upgrades I can afford

Buy 5 grandmas, then 90 more, then as many more as I can afford that'd a multiple of 100

I do the same on everything else

Except the fractile engines, which I buy as many as possible, no matter the multiple

And buy all the items

Then at that point I start the research facilities, then start one, and check back in 30 minutes until I've researched them all

Then I top off the fractile engines and leave for a day

Then check every day, popping the wrinklers until a week in, then every 2 days. Then after a few months once every week

Then I do it all again

And spend all the legacy points on the upgrades I can afford

It's rewarding you know

Consistent anyway

Unlike reddit and Tumblr and Twitter and YouTube and everything else, it doesn't fuck me over on the algorithm whatever the fuck

Reddits decent for the porn, that's all

You know, I used to use a lot of sites for porn

Dozens and dozens of sites bookmarked

Then at some point I started to only use r34 reddit nhentai, and occasionally the good ol hub

I didn't use to have accounts, I'd depend on my memory for different images and accounts and artists and comics and shit

Then I made accounts on r34 phub reddit e6 gelb nhentai and half a dozen others

And started saving things

It used to be a fun game to try to remember

Now it's gone

But I'm too tired to continue that anyway

Anyway, same shit everything else as with the porn at this point

No variety

Nothing fun

It's all annoying bullshit

With the Advent of machine learning chat bot whatever the fucks, there's a little bit new

But aside from that, it's just the same thing every day

I'm so fucking tired of living like this duxe

The fucking internet used to mean something

Now it's just the boring status quo bullshit

And I know that it's because of me

But still

It fucking sucks

I don't want to do this shit

And I spend like 10 hours a day on the Internet too

More than ever

But I'm not happy

Barely entertained

But it kills time

If I need information, porn, music, videos, whatever elze

Entertainment

I get it

But I'm not happy about it

It's shitty

I feel like shit

Like, my life outside the internet is decent. But the Internet consumes so much of it, and I don't even like it anymore

I don't know if there's a fix

Or if I should just stop being so online and shit

I'm too tired to do anything anyway

I don't know

I take pride in what I achieve for some reason

But as soon as I get the imaginary goal point, I don't give a shit

Over a year I got a shit ton of reddit karma on a new accoutn

A specific number, that I won't say to keep myself from seeming like I'm trying to brag

But once I got it, I no longer cared to comment or post

Over 2 or 3 months, I don't remember, whenever 196 shut down, I got a relative shit ton of followers

Again, a specific number, but I won't say

I'll keep that number secret, cause I can

But once I got this imaginary amount that I thought I'd never reach, I didn't care anymore

I still posted as much as I did before

But I got no joy out of it

I just post, wait a few hours, then check to see how many notes

If it's an amount equal to what I think is average for the amount of followers I have, I feel kinda good, then post again

But that's it

I don't scroll anymore, except occasionally on my followers profiles when I accidentally click on them while looking through my new notes

And I enjoy that

But other than those fleeting moments, and the small satisfaction I get from high note counts I don't care

I don't care for Tumblr or anything else on this shit

I don't know man, is this how other people do stuff on the Internet?

I don't think so, people always have strong emotions on the Internet

I emulate my internet behavior to match, which makes me think that maybe more people do the same as me

But I have no evidence

I don't know, I'm too fucking tired of this shit

I just got an apathy about the Internet at this point

Apps, sites, everything

I just don't care

But I'm always on it

It makes no sense

I should probably proofread this post as I go

This is just a stream of consciousness at this point

I won't check it as I go

Maybe I'll make this a thing

Just typing my unfiltered thoughts for like 30 minutes then posting

Depends on the notes I get

If the notes are bad I'll just delete it and forget about it

Who knows

I guess I keep trying to do that

I'll do something new on Tumblr like this

And think "oh, maybe this'll be a new thing I do" then it dies

At first it was my consistent posting of reddit shit for like a year ago

Then I stopped posting that consistently

Then it was random screenshots of mine

I even made a tag for that one

Then it died

I keep thinking of myself as someone important because of my follower count

Which doesn't make sense as it's not even a lot

But still

I don't know

My delusions of microcelebrity status are the only thing keeping me on this site/app at this point

If I didn't have that, and the fuel for the delusion that is notes I'd be gone

I did already fuck my recommended tab

And following tab

And tag tab

It's already all bullshit

I guess I can keep my narcissism about my status in this site because of the top post by notes tab on a blog

I just click into someones

And 9 times out of ten, they don't have top note counts even comparable to time

Which fuels the delusion

It's the same thing I'd do on reddit

"oh this person only has [x] karma, when they've been on reddit for 3 years. And I have triple that, and I've had this account for 6 months. I'm better"

Shit like this is what makes the internet garbage

I don't let it bleed into the theme of my posts and comments tho

I let it make me feel superior than everyone else

But if I made that obvious in any post it'd be for naught

For that reason I'm considering not posting this anymore

Whatever, this post is already super long rambling bullshit

If it gets good notes a single anecdote in it won't matter

And if it doesn't get good notes I'll delete it

Then there's no harm

I just thought of that reasoning now to keep doing this post

Cause I got sunk cost fallacy on this at this point

It was a vent thing at the start

Now it's just me trying to think mildly interesting shit to add

I guess I can use that other reasoning to post anything

If it goes bad, delete it, and no one would have saw it, and no one will, so I matters naught

And if it goes good, who gives a shit

Nothing I post would be bad, maybe cringe, maybe rambling bullshit, as this js

But not bad, so it'd be fine

I lost my train of thought

I think I was gonna say something else about what I'm posting, and how it would be fine

That's gone now

Poof, into the abyss that is lost thoughts

This does kill time tho

It's been like 40 minutes since I started this

This is basically what I do in my mind if I just let my mind run, uninterrupted

But here it's written down, with line breaks, and exact words rather than a mix of words and images and concepts

So it's more digestible

I suppose it's not completely true to say this is my pure train of thought, not just because of the exclusion of images and concepts

But also because I'm listening to music

Just enough to mild my mind so to speak

My mind is always going man, and if I don't have something to dampen it

Like music, or weird fidgety things I do with my hands (I don't know the word), or exact things to focus on, I think way too much

And spiral and shit in stress

But then my thoughts are too frantic and fast to write down before they disappear, so in a way this is as pure a log of thoughts as anything could be

You can tell the theme of how I sound now, vs at the beginning

If you don't want to scroll up you can just look at the tags

I typed them near the beginning

And haven't added to them

Nor deleted them

So you can just look slightly down to see the notes

It's not even the right topic anymore. It's still on reddit

And Tumblr and internet shit

Oh yeah, speaking of

I've just said my Tumblr scrolling is bad without specifying

But to specify now, it's like scrolling through Twitter

Weird serious discourses

Arguments

Peculiar topics

Shit like that

You know, not the Tumblr I had before

And if I don't like scrolling through Twitter, why would I be here? And that's the bind I'm in now

I only stick around anymore because of the notes, as I said

I'm back to using punctuation occasionally

Not too much, but at least some commas

No periods though, they seem too intense for a stream of consciousness thinf

Question marks too, but that's about all

Oh yeah, stuff I was talking about before

Webtoon

I shit talked webtoon

It's not too bad

I just fucking hate slice of life shit, dumb "funny" shit, and worst of all romance

I fucking hate romance webtoons

I can't stomach them

And webtoon is constantly shoving exactly those down your throat

And when my tolerance is low to begin with, and I enter webtoon, and it throws a fucking popup in my face for a dogshit new romance thing, I damn near snap my phone in half

But it's not too bad

I just read the fantasy/action/thriller/horror/drama (ones without romance shit) ones

But I can't navigate the canvas section decent at all

By design obviously, canvas doesn't make webtoon money, the originals do

But I'm too tired to work against them

So I only read originals

But at least they post regularly

I read around 70 webtoons now

Which is to say, I read the new episodes of them when they come out

With such a large selection, I have like 4 webtoons minimum updating every day at 7:00 pm

8:00 when there's time change

But 7:00 most of the timr

It notifies you at 7:30 but they update at 7:00

Except for the goblin one, which updates at like 7:20 for some reason

And the daily pass ones, those update at 8:00 for some reason

But they notify you directly at 8:00 for those if I remember correctly

Even still

I remember roughly which days are best

Tuesdays have the most, like 15 updated at once

And ones I really like too

Fridays have a handful, and the one daily pass that I read as they come out week by week

Saturdays have like 4 I really care about, then like 5 I think are mediocre, but they kill time so Saturdays are good

Mondays are ok, but that's about it

Wednesdays are kinda ass, but they're decent

Thursdays used to be amazing, but after like 3 I really care about went on hiatus, Thursdays don't matter anymore

But having like 60 (because 5-10 are on hiatus at a time) new episodes a week, divied up across the week pretty well

Is nice

Now, I did accidentally say fuck in a comment, because there was a guy shipping children and saying sexual stuff about it, then there was a reply on it from another guy defending it. So I got mad, and typed a paragraph saying why that was fucked up

But I said fuck

So I can't comment anymore

I don't know, webtoons ok tho

I was just pissed off earlier

What else was there

Oh yeah reddit

I've actually been temp banned from Reddit (like my entire account) twice for using up too much server space on bullshit

There's this thing where you type u/profanitycounter [self] and it tells you how many times youve said certain swears in like the past 500 comments

So, for a joke, twice I've copy pasted "cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum...", The max amount of times you can in one comment (a few thousand, I can't remember), then do that in a comment chain with myself for like 150 comments in a row

And it takes me several hours, but it's funnt

But it resulted in a temp ban for 2 days

Then like 4 months later, a temp ban for a week

Cause I used too much space, or bandwidth or whatever the fuck doing that

Also I got banned from r/Barry for saying the last season was ass

And I got banned from r/notinteresting for a reason I don't fucking know

But aside from that, my accounts clean

With a shit ton of karma too

Oh yeah, I use the same username (or a derivative of it) for every porn site account I make.

If you can find it out somehow I'll give you the passwords to the accounts

I doubt anyone could, it's a different username than I use for anything else

But there's hints

If anyone cares I'll even give you a few more hints directly in a DM if you ask

Though I will be vague as fuck

Been doing this for over an hour now

I wasn't paying enough attention to when I started

I'm pretty sure I heard someone say that Tumblr has no character cap

Let's hope so

I'm too tired to continue this shit

I guess this ends it

Let me know if y'all want more bullshit like this

I, personally, always like an unfiltered look at someone mind

But that's me personally

Maybe my mind is bland and uninteresting

Who knows

I'll stick with what I said at the beginning tho

Less than 10 notes in 3 hours and this post going bye bye

I got a headache from this shit

I thought way more than I usually do

Now that I'm more chill, I don't hate tumblr

I fucked it up for me

But y'all are good

Tumblr's good

[posttexasstressdisorder]

Tapering down...

It's no secret on here that I'm a depressed old fuck who's barely surviving. I've been taking two antidepressants for the last few years, Sertraline (Zoloft) and Mirtazipine (Remeron).

I love the Mirtazipine because it helps me fall asleep at night and STAY asleep. Insomnia was one of my main symptoms...for years on end I never strung together more than an hour and a half of sleep at a time. If I take the Mirts right as I'm hittin' the bed, I fall asleep within 20 mins. Those I have no problem with.

Talked to the doc about 6 months ago about tapering down off the max Zoloft dose (150mg/day) and finally getting off them totally. Why? They never really seemed to DO anything. There may have been a slight sense of relief after awhile, but I never really FELT any kind of effect, and no real benefit, other than the possible "I'm taking meds now so I must be getting better" thing you have to tell yourself before they "kick in".

So, I tapered down to just 100mg for a couple months and then took the 50mg's until they were gone. Been completely off them for a few weeks now. Haven't really felt much different, nothing really negative, other than possibly feeling "hopeless" once in a while, which, frankly, anybody in my position WOULD feel.

My reason for writing this out? I never really considered that they might be masking some of my emotional range. After the big news of the day yesterday, after a few hours of sensing the giddiness in the ether, I just started crying. I know that's a perfectly fine reaction to have when something that's been horrible gets RESOLVED, at least on a certain level. It's a release of tension.

But there was more to it. Posted some videos, and listening to all the music, it just made me weep all that much more. And this was genuine grief...grief at the loss of what all those songs represented to me, to my own Personal Mythological Framework, as it were.

And yet, deep down I knew that it wasn't just the loss of The '60s Protest movement, or specifically 1967, The Summer of Love and what IT represents to me.

I think enough of the sertraline has flushed from my system now that my emotional body is releasing pent-up grief. I've written about my two Gemini loves, born a day apart, died nine years apart. That birthday anniversary has always been difficult to get through, but last night's flow of tears finally wound its way to that core pain.

I'm one of those people who has to know WHY.

Once the WHY is satisfied, the letting go can happen.

My last therapist was essentially a Buddhist witch, and I always struggled with what she said about the death(s), but it hit home on a deeper level last night. Her words? Essentially that we have to eventually get enough distance from it and see the "Rightness" of it.

That's a seemingly callous idea, but it's really not.

If someone dies, think of their lives and the trajectory they were on, and the trajectory the world has taken since their death. Eventually there will be a sense of "yes, that somehow HAD to happen for THIS to happen"...a sense of "rightness" in that definition is strange to feel, once you get to it. You may never GET to it...it may always be "THE GREAT WRONG" in your life.

Gemini 1 (my sweetie, my soulmate) died July 15, 2012; Gemini 2 (my bro the soldier) died four days after the January 6th attack, on January 10, 2021. I'm still surrounded by the detritus of both their lives, in my sweetie's case, I have every piece of art she made between Junior College and the day she died. In the case of my Bro, it's all the computer parts and tools and family camping stuff that hasn't seen the light of day in over 20 years.

I know that I've hung onto much of it out of desperation, out of duty and loyalty to their memory, their lives...but it is currently holding me back, and I can feel that. I have to find the stomach to go down to the garage and just start taking pictures of all the tech and camping stuff and being realistically ruthless about what I actually CAN and CAN'T use and hit CL and eBay with whatever might bring a buck.

Up until last night, the idea of that was just too overwhelming. I think last night's emotional release had an effect. Not sure just how any of it is going to happen, but I have to face all that crap down there and get rid of 90%, leaving only Char's artwork and a few tools i can use, and then finding a cheaper storage solution for what's left.

Especially since the evil landlords jacked the rent on the garage up another fucking $25 as of this coming month.

And back to that "Rightness" thing. I finally thought about that in terms of what has happened in the world since they both respectively left. I am certain my sweetie would not believe the shit that has gone on in the last 12 years. I'm pretty sure my bro's poor broken body would not have made it through the ensuing years, especially after that last bizarre injury.

It's a strange thing to see that from the distance of time. And last night's catharsis was certainly tied to it, but I'm sensing there was a component tied to the tapering off the sertraline. No more emotional masking, possibly there will be more peace of mind going forward, I can never be sure, as I pick up just about everything energetically. (Why I have to go "SHIELDS UP, SCOTTY!" while I'm out and about, and self-isolate so much of the time.)

We do have so much to grieve. It never really ends. You have to feel it ALL. You have to release it. You have to see the "rightness" of it when you look at the world in its entirety. The sertraline's masking of the intense sadness finally being gone facilitated the bulk of it, I'm pretty sure.

[bunchashapes]

any music recs?

i could have made this very short or entirely too long. i opted for the latter:

HAVE YOU LOOKED FOR SOME NEW MUSIC TO LISTEN TO? LOOK NO FURTHER, FOR HERE IS

I know. There's a lot of music out there. Well have no fear, because I've selected, organized AND categorized a fine number of music selections, just for you! I tried to keep it to just stuff you probably haven't heard of before, but I make no promises. Hopefully you'll find at least one new thing you can take with you into 2023.

MAKE YOUR SELECTION:

1 - MIKE, I'M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO GROOVE TO. SOMETHING I CAN GET DOWN AND VIBE WITH OR PERHAPS LISTEN TO WHILE I WORK:

Sounds good! Let's start with a few of those:

Vulfpeck - Okay you may already know about Vulfpeck. Sorry. If you HAVEN'T, they're a wonderful group of dudes from Michigan that are all insanely talented. They have a wide-range of styles they cover and pretty much every member has gone on to do other solo stuff, which may also suit your interests. They also have a spin-off band called The Fearless Flyers that I'll cover a little further down.

Jacob Mann (As well as his Big Band) - Jacob's solo stuff has a nice laid-back feel to it, while his big band stuff is slightly more bombastic, but all of it is fun and groovy. Great example of a musician effectively switching between different toolsets, whether its a whole group of talented musicians at his disposal or just a bunch of nice Roland presets.

EMEFE - They haven't been very active lately but EMEFE is an incredible ensemble with plenty of amazing music for you to listen to. Their live album from 2017 makes me wish i could go back in time and watch it live.

Louis Cole - Louis Cole's also pretty popular, but maybe you haven't heard of him! Originally hailing from Knower, he's collaborated with a ton of musicians (including Vulfpeck AND Jacob Mann Big Band, mentioned above) as well as produced an impressive array of solo music. I can't understate how much I love this guy.

Thundercat - Know who else he's collaborated with? Thundercat. Have you listened to Thundercat? You should really do yourself a favor and listen to Thundercat.

Sammy Rae and The Friends - Only learned about Sammy Rae very recently but The Feeling (linked) was an earworm that lodged itself in my brain for months. Infectiously positive vibes, a great ensemble and really brilliant singing.

Silk Sonic - Okay they played at the Grammys so it definitely doesn't count as a deep cut but listen to Silk Sonic anyway okay? Okay.

2- MIKE I NEED SOMETHING THAT WHIPS ASS. SOMETHING TO COMPLETELY KNOCK MY SOCKS OFF.

Can do. Your metric of kickass may vary but at least one of these should work for you:

King Gizzard and The Wizard Lizard - King Gizz has put out such an unbelievable volume of music that it's hard to just recommend ONE thing from them. I've linked Nonagon Infinity, a great little album with the fun gimmick of seamlessly looping front to back. They really haven't put out a single bad album, so just go wild.

Royal Blood - Royal blood's bassist plays through an octave pedal, giving their stuff this fuckin' beefy sound that's well-rounded enough you'd never guess the band is just a bassist and a dummer. Their style has gotten poppier lately but it's still all worth listening to.

Tricot - Tricot's been around for around 10 years now and their stuff has only gotten better over time. I feel like Math Rock is kind of an obtuse genre for most people but their recent stuff is absolutely worth checking out even if that's not your usual sort of thing. Makkuro (真っ黒) is my favorite album of theirs by far.

Thank You Scientist - Stranger Heads Prevail is probably one of my favorite prog albums ever and you'll probably like it too. Insanely good ensemble (the amazing triple threat of sax/trumpet/violin is such an integral part of their sound) and really fun vocals.

Nova Collective - Another incredible prog group. As far as I know they've only put out one album but it whips ass.

Ask My Bull - These guys popped out of the woodwork a few years ago and I've been obsessed with them ever since, I can't wait to see what they do next. If you're a horn-loving freak like me you absolutely need to listen to them.

Fearless Flyers - The previously aforementioned Vulfpeck spin-off band, guest starring Mark Lettieri of Snarky Puppy and the incredible Nate Smith on drums. Their album Tailwinds is easily one of my favorite albums ever, the addition of a sax trio takes their stuff from incredible to legendary.

Daikaiju - Kaiju-themed surf rock. That's really all that needs saying.

3 - MIKE I NEED SOMETHING THAT'LL MAKE ME SAY "DAMN THAT'S COOL"

Well you're in luck! A wide range of things fit the bill:

Snarky Puppy - A powerhouse jazz/funk/rock ensemble full of insanely talented musicians. Just give this song a listen, you won't regret it.

The Dear Hunter - Dear Hunter (not Deerhunter. Different band) has remained my favorite band since high school. The band has a number of different projects, A collection of EPs for each color of the rainbow, a 5-part rock opera/narrative concept album (with a 6th part that may be a movie??) and other more straightforward albums that still cover a broad range of genres and styles. I think they're great and hopefully you will too.

Hiromi Uehara - Hiromi's probably my favorite pianist ever. Just watch that video. She's ridiculous. She also plays in an incredible trio and guest stars on my favorite Tokyo Ska Paradise Orchestra song! Preposterously talented and insanely fun to watch. I love her.

The Bad Plus - Speaking of great trios, you can't go wrong with The Bad Plus! Really vibrant arrangements and generally incredible musicianship throughout their work.

Esperanza Spalding - Obscenely talented bassist AND singer AND songwriter. As someone who sings and plays bass (not at the same time, of course) watching her do effortlessly do both at the same time is mesmerizing. I love her.

Chon - Chon's also pretty big now but I want you to imagine you're me at a Dear Hunter (see above) concert back in 2015 and one of the opening bands walks onstage and you're like "well okay what's these guys' deal" and then they start playing these fucking insane picking solos in perfect unison. I literally couldn't believe what I was seeing. I wish everyone could experience Chon through those eyes.

4 - MIKE THOSE ARE COOL AND ALL BUT WHAT I'M REALLY LOOKING FOR IS SOME MUSIC TO GET BUNDLED UP AND GO TO SLEEP TO

You need ambient? I got your ambient right here.

Hiroshi Yoshimura - I was first exposed to the wide, wide world of Japanese ambient music back in college and in all my years since then, few things have been able to beat Yoshimura's atmospheric soundscapes. If you need music to shut your brain off (and who doesn't, from time to time), look no further.

Chihei Hatakeyama - Another Japanese ambient powerhouse, Hatakeyama's got a huge discography of music and all of it will knock your lights out (very pleasantly).

Green-House - Very much inspired by Japanese ambient, Green-house is described as "music for plants". I only wish there was more of it.

Joep Beving - Not exactly an ambient artist but a masterful practitioner of minimal, atmospheric piano. His style is understated but filled with emotion, a great mix of more classical elements with a modern cinematic flair. Great to work to!

5- MIKE EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT JAPANESE CITY POP, JAZZ FUSION AND EARLY ELECTRONIC MUSIC BUT I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START. GET ME ON THE GROUND FLOOR HERE

You got it boss:

Yellow Magic Orchestra - You've probably heard of these guys by now. I've only known about them for 6-ish years after they had a moderate burst of fame here but I think it wouldn't be an exaggeration to say these guys were one of the principle pieces of genetic memory that coalesced into the DNA of modern electronic music. All three of the principle members, Ryuichi Sakamoto, Haruomi Hosono and Yukihiro Takahashi (rest in peace) have all had really prolific solo careers in a ton of styles of music that are all worth your time.

T Square - An absolute titan of Japanese jazz fusion, their album Adventures is a veritable Rosetta Stone of video game music, directly inspiring a good number of video game songs including the dang mario brothers theme! Their stuff is an absolute joy to listen to.

Tatsuro Yamashita - Yamashita is often called the king of city pop and is (according to wikipedia) credited for pioneering Japanese "soft rock". Having grown up on the pacific coast, there's some ineffable truth in his schmaltzy surf music that touches me deep in my soul. You may not have the same experiences as I do, but I hope listening to him will allow you to tap into that divine spark and enjoy it for yourself.

Masayoshi Takanaka - Perhaps not quite as famous as Yamashita, Takanaka is a brilliant guitarist and musician known for that same schmaltzy pacific rock (just look at that damn guitar. I love him) as well as a number of other styles of rock and jazz fusion. He's got a huge discography and it's all incredible.

Casiopea - I would be remiss if I didn't mention Casiopea. I'm not an expert in Japanese music obviously, but I think it'd be fair to say they and T-Square are the two titans holding the glory of late 70's-early 80's jazz fusion like Atlas shouldering the world. Do yourself a favor and listen to Mint Jams.

Himiko Kikuchi - Truthfully I don't know much of Kikuchi's discography other than Flying Beagle (linked) but she absolutely killed it. Do yourself a favor and listen to that too.

6 - WELL MIKE THAT'S ALL WELL AND GOOD BUT WHAT IF I WANT SOMETHING WEIRD THAT DOESN'T FIT IN ANY OF THOSE CATEGORIES

I'm always happy to recommend unconventional stuff. Here's a few albums that I love to close us out:

Tom Waits - Alice - First of all, you should listen to Tom Waits. I know you know him as the Funny Voice Guy but he's had such an incredible musical career that starts great and only gets more and more amazing over time. Anyway, in the 90's, Tom and his wife (and writing partner since the 80's) Kathleen Brennan were scoring weird experimental musicals in Germany, namely The Black Rider (also worth listening to) and Alice. The musical is a strange extrapolation of Alice in Wonderland, namely inspired by Charles Dodgson's (Lewis Carroll) relationship with Alice Liddell, generally accepted as the real-life inspiration for Alice. Though the actual specifics of their relationship are uncertain, the age discrepancy and Charles' general fixation with Alice leads many to assume....the worst about their relationship, an interpretation the musical runs with. The actual musical is hard to find evidence of (there's some documentary footage from the 90's and I've found the script) but Tom rearranged his music for the show and released it in 2002, which in my eyes is the definitive version of the music. The album is unbelievably melancholic, heart-wrenching, at times deeply uncomfortable, and absolutely filled with beauty. Lost in the Harbor is maybe one of my favorite songs of all time. If ANY of this sounds even slightly interesting to you, I implore you to check it out. It also has Colin Stetson on saxophone and clarinet, which segues quite nicely to the next album.....

Colin Stetson - New History Warfare Vol. 2 - You may have actually heard Colin's music before, he's scored films like Hereditary, Color Out Of Space and the newest Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie. New History Warfare is one of his experimental solo projects, most characterized by Stetson recording basically everything in a huge room filled with microphones, creating this incredible impression of scale. It's filled with some of the craziest shit I've ever heard someone do on a saxophone; long, galloping phrases with no pauses for air thanks to circular breathing, mixing in the sound of the valves opening and closing, and an incredible unnatural-sounding delay all achieved with live recording. The Righteous Wrath of An Honorable Man is one of the coolest things I've ever heard in my life (you've probably already heard it before) but the whole album is absolutely captivating.

Caroline Shaw - Partita for 8 Voices - Caroline Shaw is an amazing musician, singer and composer. All of her stuff is really beautiful and worth listening to, but few things stand out as much as this composition, written for and performed by a cappella group Roomful of Teeth (which is probably the sickest possible name for a choral group). I feel like a cappella music has a woefully bland perception among most people (thanks in no small part to Pitch Perfect); all lavish arrangements of pop music with absolutely no soul. If this is what you think all a cappella music is, I urge you to listen to this album. It's a masterful blend of speech, song and energy, filled with a vibrancy and passion I have a difficult time putting into words. You really just have to listen to it.

[aerodumb]

Wade/Nancy is an artist who's been surrounded by negative opinions. She currently works under the username Grisgrisdoll, but she's widely known as the name that haunts her past, Kastoway.

I've seen many, many accusations being thrown online against this artist, but I noticed that for many people spreading them this knowledge is secondhand. I found her Deviantart account some time after she changed her username to Kastoway in the beginning of 2014 due to my hyperfixation on creepypastas at the time. I never actually followed her, but I visited her account every now and then, so if I missed something important, it was because of that and I will be glad if you tell me. In this post, I'll list the incidents in chronological order *with evidence* and then give my own opinion at the end.

One thing to know about Wade is that she has had many different names and usernames throughout her life. In addition, she is comfortable with people using either "she", "he" or "they" to refer to her. I'll be alternating the pronouns and using both her names.

He was 13 when she created Ticci Toby [1]. He posted her first drawing of him on the 19th of November 2012 on DeviantArt [2] and Toby's origin story one year later on the 23rd of May 2013 [3]. Wade changed the personality of Toby to make him less upbeat, more tragic and more scary. One of the first instances where he showed discomfort with how people portrayed Toby that I remember was in a publication she posted on the last day of 2013 [4]. This situation ended up with a small redesign of Toby on 5th of February 2014 [5].

She took a short break from DeviantArt around July [6]. It was this year when her creepypasta blew up out of proportion. Previously, she had expressed her desire for Toby to only be shipped with another creepypasta character called Clockwork. However, many people didn't like Clockwork and didn't respect this wish, leading her to further getting tired of the creepypasta community. By october of the same year, her Deviantart bio said: "Most people know me as the creator of the creepypasta story "Ticci-Toby"-- which yes I am, but I prefer not to be constantly called out for it nor only recognized or appreciated for it. I do not contribute to the creepypasta fandom anymore so please don't ask me about it. Thank you" [7].

One issue that is frequently overlooked when discussing Wade's actions is her problem with impersonators, as she stated on a status in November [8].

On 14th of December 2014 he made a post trying to solve all the turmoil that had formed because of shipping [9]. He stated that he had asked people not to ship Toby with anyone but Clockwork because that was what he was comfortable with, but he realized that decision was pointless and didn't care at this point. The situation had gone out of control and there were people bashing creators who shipped Toby with others or with their own characters. He apologized to the hurt and asked people to stop the white knighting. In addition, he recognized "I wasn't prepared for my character to become popular on the internet. I really wasn't. I never thought it would happen and I'm still not good at dealing with it. In fact I suck at it, it's true". He was 15 at the moment.

In 2015, they got into Marvel, even having a tumblr blog where she drew Deadpool replying the asks of her followers. At the end of their bio, it could be read: "I will not reply to notes or comments regarding Ticci-Toby or anything Creepypasta related, sorry." [10]. This message was deleted months later, so their profile didn't mention Toby or creepypasta anymore. They kept the folder for her creepypasta drawings in their gallery tagged as "old".

In April 2016, he had to warn the general public that Toby wasn't real and that he was his creator [11]. People had been spreading misinformation, saying that Toby was real or was based on a real person. Wade feared that something like the tragedy of Wisconsin could happen again, it was a serious concern.

In May, Nancy made a post saying that people could still ask her about Toby [12], but later in June that year, she decided to step off the internet with the purpose of trying to improve her life, archiving the majority of her work [13]. Later in 2017, she updated her bio to let people know about her new instagram account where she mostly posts original art. It was at this point when I stopped checking her content completely, as this account, called bonejars at the beginning, was private for a while. She hasn't been very active on DeviantArt apart from the times she announced her podcast.

On the porch: Episode 2, 16 April 2020, started a wave of negativity against them. I didn't watch it at the time and it is now private so I can't say much about it, but they did some clarifications on her instagram stories later. Many users took screenshots of them and they can still be read [14]. In them, Nancy says that they came to terms many years ago with the ships, that they left the fandom because all of the drama made them miserable and that they'd wish Toby to no longer be associated with the creepypasta fandom. Despite this, they don't want people to stop doing what makes them happy, they said they're ok with headcanons and people reinterpreting the character, that they like the fanart as long as people don't profit from it. They said "I know what escapism is like and using fiction to cope with life. I would never wanna take that away from anybody". Later, they had to make further clarifications because people accused them of wanting to take Toby away from the fandom.

On 25 abril 2021, Nancy posted a new redesign of Toby on his Instagram account [15]. This version of him was significantly different from the last one. The character is older, wears different clothes and looks more realistic due to Nancy's art style development. With this design, he looks like a character from a slasher.

Many people weren't pleased with the redesign due to thinking the reason for it was to invalidate the previous one. Consequently, they brought to the surface controversies from the past. Nancy was accused of having supported two controversial figures in the creepypasta community: Laughing Jack's creator Steve Aikins (Snuffbomb) and Sally Williams' creator Shilo (la_mishi_mish).

Steve presumably harassed his ex-girlfriend and talked indecently with several young girls back in 2014 [16]. I haven't found evidence of Wade supporting him and I can't remember exactly what she said. If someone has screenshots of it, I would be grateful.

Shilo used to draw NSFW art of Sally [17]. This character is canonically 8, so she usually aged her up in this kind of content. However, she posted a compilation of sketches depicting Sally and Jeff the Killer having sex in 2015, stating it was ok for them to have intercouse because they were both 13. Shilo was 22 at the time. Several sources indicate that she stopped drawing mature content due to social pressure. Nancy and Shilo follow each other on instagram to this day.

There haven't been more references to Toby on Nancy's part since then.

◇ Ok people, get the pitchforks because now I'm gonna give my opinion!

So, what can we accuse Wade of? Of being an idiot and a hypocrite when he was a teenager, of having bad companies and managing fame poorly. I don't think we can blame them for anything else and feel that a big part of the hate they receive is undeserved.

I think she was a hypocrite because she got angry with an interpretation of Toby that she had at the beginning. What's more, Toby's story uses an interpretation of Slenderman that was invented by the fandom, proxies are not canon. It's like a fanfic of a series inspired by just a couple of photos.

Still following Shilo is yikes. However, we don't really know if they're still close and I'm personally gonna give her the benefit of the doubt. Defending Steve was a bad move, but, as some people have pointed out before, he was a teen when that happened, way younger than Steve and she could have been convinced to think he was innocent. Shilo is older too.

Being that young, she wasn't prepared for facing the bad sides of fame. Ignoring stuff, going radio silent and then saying things in the heat of the moment didn't help her a bit, but it was all that occurred to her at the time. She's tried to explain things in more detail in recent years just to go back to saying as little as possible because at this point, people get angry for whatever she says.

People say they're homophobic. Their instagram account refutes it.

People say he was mean and insulted the fandom. I remember reading a couple of statuses on DA that I thought were insensitive, but that was a long time ago. People grow and he's changed his mind a lot as you can read in his instagram stories. If you say these things referring to the post where he told people Toby wasn't real, I'm sorry, but I think he had all the right to be harsh. People said Slenderman was real, it ended up in a tragedy and now the same things were being said about Toby. Can you imagine how it's to feel you're responsible for someone's death? He was trying to protect people.

People say she went after artists that portrayed Toby in a different way than hers, yet every time she's said something that ended up hurting people, she took responsibility and apologized for it. I don't believe this person could go and directly hurt someone. Remember what I said before about her issues with impersonators and people white knighting? That could be what's happening. Even now she has problems with people pretending they know her, so be careful!

People say they have abandoned the character many times. It's true they've said they didn't want to talk about Toby on four different occasions, but I don't think they did it with that intention. Why did they redesign him then? The design we all know is inevitably tied to the creepypasta community and they want to move on from it, that's why they didn't want to talk about him. Now they made a version of the character that isn't tied to that world, so we have two Tobies, one for them and one for us. I think that's cool!

Many don't like that they can't use the old version to earn money, but I want them to understand that this is a really particular situation. Usually, people making commissions of characters that aren't theirs isn't a problem when the creator is getting money on their own (unless you're Disney, Disney has no chill). This isn't Wade's case, she has never been monetary compensated for creating or drawing Toby and she has the right of choosing not to allow the commercial use of her characters. "Give for free what you were given for free" is a rule that makes sense in this case.

I don't expect anyone to stop disliking Wade, you're free to feel whatever you want, but at least I hope that this post helps people to see that all of this is more dimensional than just "kastoway is evil". At the end of the day, she's just a dude that fucked up many times and I think her experiences can help us to not commit the same errors.

◇ Here you have all the evidence

[1] Wade's age (look at the replies)

[2] First art of Toby

[3] Toby's Origin on Kastoway's DA

[4] Post where Wade complains about the difference between fanon and canon Toby

[5] Updated Toby design

[6] Wade's DA on hiatus

[7] Wade saying he doesn't want to be known just for creating Toby

[8] Wade complaining about impersonators

[9, 11] Nancy clarifying the issues with shipping and people saying Toby was real (look at section "Kastoway and his creation")

[10] Nancy saying he won't reply asks about Toby

[12] Nancy apologizing and saying ask about Toby are welcomed

[13] Nancy announcing her departure

[14] Nancy's deleted instagram stories

[15] Toby's new design

[16] About Laughing Jack's creator

[17] About Sally's Creator

[20dollarlolita]

Did you know that sometimes, you do something totally normal in the tumblr editor, something that you could accidentally do very easily, and it decides to eat your entire post? It just deleted over an hour of work? Did you know that it does that?

Isn't that swell?

THE RANDOM LOLITA 30 DAY CHALLENGE, DAY 10: 10 THINGS YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT IN LOLITA.

We're doing a challenge from 2011 and we're doing it very slowly. We're actually doing it even slower, because we wrote half of this post, hit ctrl+z, and tumblr just fucking deleted it with no way to get it back. Glorious. 10/10, fucking hate it.

This challenge number was a little weird for me. I've been doing lolita since 2011, and the answers that I would have given in 2011 are probably very different than the ones I'm giving in 2023. Having that framing makes me feel very nostalgic.

Let's get into it. If tumblr eats this again, I will be throwing the entire website out the door.

Number 1) A comfortable petticoat that stays the right shape, and that I don't have to worry about crushing.

Back in my early days, one of the first things that I bought for lolita fashion was a real petticoat. One of the most critical elements of a lolita fashion look is the shape, and having a foundation that gave me the right shape helped things that I was making look a lot more like real lolita.

(Early 2012)

My first ever petticoat, which is under the red dress, was made out of muslin and some walmart tulle. I believe it used this tutorial. While that dress wasn't ever going to look really lolita super well, the petticoat issue sure isn't helping.

These days I have a Wunderwelt petticoat that I got in 2016, and it's so very enjoyable to have a petticoat where the only concern is that it might be too big for a dress. I love how little work it takes to add the proper shape to a coord.

Number 2) Definitely lolita shoes.

When I wear lolita out and about, I've noticed that one of the things that changes stranger's reactions is the shoes. If I've got some distinctly lolita shoes, like RHS, people tend to ask if it's a fashion. If I'm wearing lolitable shoes that could also work in a non-lolita outfit, I get asked what costume I'm wearing.

(Late 2013)

Baby lolita me had a pair of black Mary Jane pumps from Target, and those were my lolita shoes for several months. In my first ever Bodyline order, I got some brown tea parties, and about a year later I bought these pink RHS and white flats.

And that was it. That was what I owned for lolita shoes from 2013 to 2016. Coords were black, brown, pink, white, or else I wore shoes that didn't match. Occasionally I'd go crazy and get some short boots into the mix, but this was my lolita shoe collection.

I have at least four tutorials in this blog about how to fix shoes, because I don't let my shoes die until they're absolutely dead and gone. Those brown tea parties are now painted gold and have been turned into very dangerous roller skates. I had to take a five-ish mile offroad hike in the white ones, which destroyed the bottoms as well as permanently staining the ribbon frill brown. These are, to this day, the only lolita shoes that I've ever thrown away. The other two pairs of shoes I still have.

My closet doesn't look like a BTSSB show room because I have to keep the rubbermaid tub of skulls somewhere, and the closet seems the best place.

In the seven years since I started buying lolita shoes again, I've collected several pairs. A lot of these pairs were in the $5-$30 price range, and none of them have been disposed of. This is just seven years of collecting shoes.

Number 3) Little details that are fast to add to a coord.

So, TJ Maxx sells these little clip on ribbon bows in their baby department, and they're my new favorite fast and easy accessory. They can go in your hair. They can go on your dress. They can go on your shoes. It's wonderful.

I've said a whole lot that making a lolita coord is about adding all the details that you think you should add, and then adding 3-5 more details. It's very easy to underestimate how detailed a handmade lolita piece should be.

Something that I didn't fully appreciate until recently, at least not to the extent that I currently appreciate it, is how much your overall coordinate can benefit from the same thing. If you CAN throw on some little extra bows and bracelets, it generally looks better if you do that.

I have very small wrists (both wrists together cannot hold a 4-week old kitten) and jingling loose bracelets often drive me nuts. I finally found out that stretch bracelets meant for kids will fit on my wrists, won't jinglejangle, and also won't pinch. As a bonus, they're like $1 for a 2-pack, so I went a little bit nuts stocking up on them.

I've got a couple of tutorials on making your own cheap, small details that you can just plop onto as many coords as you'd like.

Number 4) Sewing machine.

(Feb 2011)

My first lolita dress was handmade. Making my own garments and accessories has always been an important part of this fashion for me. I don't have as much to say about this, because it's just so constantly present in everything that I do.

I've learned about lolita fashion by sewing it, and I've learned about sewing by sewing lolita fashion.

(October 2010)

I made my first lolita dress on a pretty basic sewing machine (the precursor to the Janome 3160QDC). I've since sideways-graded to a really basic 80's Singer. Despite having a very fancy embroidery machine, I don't sew on it. My last service said I've done 5 hours of sewing and 170 hours of embroidery on that machine. I know what I need, and I have what I need.

Number 5) Five Below's $5 bike shorts

They're $5. They come in every color.

Your tights falling down? Bike shorts. Your bloomers pretty annoying to wash and so you want to keep them off your skin to avoid having to wash our sweat stains? Your car a little bit funky and you might need to lie down on the ground to change your tire? Bike shorts. Little old lady in a wheelchair might pick up your skirt to see if you're wearing pantaloons? and you're not wearing pantaloons? You're never going to be more glad that you have bike shorts.

When I was new to lolita and like 12 years stupider than I now am, I had smaller petticoats, and always figured that high-coverage tights and standard underoos were modesty enough, with bloomers being necessary for coords with socks. Get a fuller petticoat, and you stop feeling like that. Bike shorts at Target were like $15 a pair, because they're designed to be comfortable to wear when you're riding a bike. I'm not riding a bike. I'm walking through walmart to buy some milk. I'm not going fast because I have 5" of fake wood glued to the bottom of my foot. I don't need your comfort features. I need $5 bike shorts.

These have pockets in them so that you can stash emergency money or a fortune you got from Panda Express in 2020 that says, "Be ready to take an important journey soon," on it.

Yes, the pantaloons thing happened to me, and I actually was wearing bloomers. Yes, the woman pushing the tiny old lady in the wheelchair clearly had never been more embarrassed in her life.

Number 6) Men's undershirts.

Call it a singlet, call it an a-shirt, please don't call it a wifebeater. These things are made of a ribbed knit that stretches to accommodate boobs and curves very well. They're meant to be washed the heck out of. I can't throw my dresses into the washing machine on the crazy hard cycle and throw them in a hot dryer and figure whatever happens happens, but these things are THREE. DOLLARS. EACH. A whole lot of not perfect things can be forgiven when the under shirt is $3.

The neck doesn't work on OPs or some blouses, but they're also three dollars each, so I wear them any time I can. Women's undershirts are $12-18 EACH so I can't just buy 30 of them. If you want some bonus armpit protections, men's t-shirt undershirts are only like $5 each.

Number 7) Oxiclean.

A lot of lolita fashion is about our super fancy, super detailed prints. These are prints that look lovely when you're up close to them, so it's important to not have dingy and dirty and faded prints, especially when you paid good money for that printing. All hail Oxiclean.

I went to go take a picture of the jumbo boxes of oxiclean that I buy, but it looks like someone threw the box on the ground and then went to lie in her bed like nothing bad happened. (She wasn't hurt and I cleaned it up so she couldn't get it on her paws and lick it).

Also yes, my cat has her own little personal heater. It turns off if it's tipped over, so she will turn it off whenever she gets too hot.

Number 8) Parasols.

First of all, it turns out that finding offbrand parasols for lolita is a super cool challenge. They're not very common, so when you do find one, it feels like a big accomplishment.

I love parasols for a lot of reasons. I was going to get coffee with a friend, and someone was acting kind of strangely outside the shop. I liked that I had something in my hands to potentially use to keep that person away from me if they decided to approach me way too quickly. My doctor and I thought for a while that I had a condition where if I went in the sun, my skin attacked my internal organs, so I started carrying umbrellas for that. It's very sunny where I live. Before I lived here, I lived where it was very rainy, and having a nice couple of ruffled RainStoppers was good to have on hand.

(May 2011 | Sept 2013) I've actually collected parasols for longer than I've really been into lolita. Pic on the left was pre-lolita times. I absolutely loved that parasol and took it everywhere that I could. Pic on the right is the earliest picture I could find of my white RainStoppers that I got at Target, which I still have somewhere in my car. Mostly that pic is there because of my cats. Also the pictures just felt like a nice weird little bit of symmetry.

Anyway, when someone's taking a pic of you without asking, you can block it with your parasol. My relationship with parasols in lolita is complicated, because I feel like I shouldn't need to have a weapon with me, but here we are.

Number 9) All the info that baby me chronicled. Everything I've learned and everything that I didn't used to know. I have so much fun looking at my old cringe coords and all of the things I did that I know are wrong now. I really miss the way I fearlessly tried things out and the rate at which I churned out new pieces. There's some pieces that I don't have anymore and I miss those things. I used to have some old school AP socks that I have no clue where they are. Seeing the way I used to have my bedroom set up so that I'd still have space to sew. Looking at the dates on pictures and thinking about what I was doing back then. Most of these pictures are from back when cell phone cameras were awful, and I've had to edit all of them to get better exposure before putting them up. There's memories I have of us all carrying around digital cameras to save things, because cell phones just weren't there yet (also some of us didn't have pix messaging plans and had to pay 25 cents per picture to get them to our computers). I looked at the bottom of my pink RHS the other day and the tread's all the way worn off. That's so interesting to me, that I've worn pink-shoe lolita enough that I completely wore the tread off.

Jan 1, 2014 "Sometimes the best thing ever is to walk into Starbucks and watch a five year old’s eyes go as wide as they can, point at you, and say loudly “Mom, is that a real person?” Sometimes the best part is watching the mom go BEET red."

I remember that event so specifically. It was one of the first times I'd actually worn the head-eating bow in public. It took me several years to warm up to the head-eaters. I remember exactly what the mom and the kid looked like, but also until I read this post, I'd completely forgotten about this whole incident.

Number 10)

This blog, and the people who read it, interact with it, comment on it.

I really cannot explain how amazing this community is to me. I think the first time I saw someone link someone else a tutorial I made was just a couple of years ago. It was so exciting. Every time i meet someone who is afraid to get into lolita fashion due to the expense, and I'm able to tell them that there's a whole COMMUNITY of people who want to do lolita for less, it's amazing. I started this blog because I felt like I could make myself some accessories for not a lot of money, and I just needed the motivation to do it. But now it's so much better than that. I'm still making things for me. I make things I want and things that I'll use and things that I can make. But I'm also making them for other people, who also need the same kind of help. I teach myself new things so that I can answer questions I've been asked. Every time I have to research an answer for someone, that person has helped me grow.

It's just amazing. Thank you.

[eyesofshinigami]

20 questions for writers

I was tagged by the amazing @just-my-latest-hyperfixation and @devondespresso. Thank you lovelies!!

20 questions for writers

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

77 fics from various fandoms. I've had AO3 for a hot minute and it's gone on the same fandom journey I've been on, lol.

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

596,417 at present.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

At the moment, just Steddie. But I suspect that I'll churn out an Arcane fic or two when S2 inevitably drops because I'm a simp for Vi and Caitlin, okay?

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

*coughs loudly* Okay, well. They're all old One Direction fics, so I'm going to do the top one from each of my top 5 fandoms:

Right Side of the Wrong Bed (One Direction)

All the Ability to Love I Have (The Witcher)

Don't Be Surprised If I Love You (For All That You Are) (Stranger Things)

Locking Up the Sun (Captain America/Marvel)

Pull Me Out (From Inside) (Arcane)

5. Do you respond to comments?

I try really, really hard to, but I typically forget about it until months later and then I go on a comment-reply spree. So, if you send a comment, I read it and treasure it and you'll probably get an answer six months later.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don't have any, actually. I'm not really big on writing angst on the whole because I don't feel like I'm really good at it? So I shy away from it. I have a couple of angsty fics I've written, but they always have a happy ending.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Honestly? All of my fics have happy and hopeful endings! I don't know if I can pick just one that stands out.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not really? I've had one or two comments where people questioned creative choices I made, but that's about it. I don't think my writing is popular enough to attract people who have Opinions About Everything. I'm sure it'll happen one of these days.

I think the closest are some comments I got on a One Direction daddykink fic I wrote, right when that blew up in the fandom. One person wrote one fic and of course the trope went wild, and as always, people have things they feel like they need to say. I miss the days of "don't like, don't read" of yore, yanno?

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Smut is actually the easiest thing for me to write. I write all kinds, but mostly of the gay/lesbian variety, lol. Currently I'm on an A/B/O kick, so there's that.

10. Do you write crossovers?

Not typically. I've only written one, where it was Steve and Bucky and it was a Snowpiercer fusion that I wrote for an exchange many a moon ago. It was fun, but I don't have very many fandom interests that overlap well enough.

I also have about 22k written of a Cap!Steve and Winter Solider!Eddie AU that I cooked up, but it's more of a fusion than an outright crossover.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Probably. I've never gone looking, but I know that Wattpad is a lawless land, so.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yeah, a couple. I'm really picky/choosy about it though. It's gotta be on AO3 where I can see it linked or I say no, tbh.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I have! It's not been a recent thing, but I wrote a couple of fics with friends when I was in the One Direction fandom. It's a lot of fun, especially when your writing styles blend together well. I enjoyed it a lot.

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

That's really hard to say, actually. I typically go balls-to-the-wall when I get into a fandom, and I'm a die-hard OTPer. I find one and I stick with it. The only exception to that has been the Witcher fandom, because Jaskier and the Wolves were just really fun fandom bicycles to put in many different combinations. I'm only human.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you will?

I'd like to think that I will finish all my WIPs but alas. Some are just going to sit and rot in my Googledocs. A Stranger Things one I'd love to finish is the Cap!Steve and Winter Soldier!Eddie one I mentioned earlier.

The one I feel the worst about is the Catskier threequel that I promised ages ago. I open the document and stare longingly into it, but the words just won't work. Maybe one day.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I've been told I write good smut? And sometimes I'm funny?

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I have Wordy Bitch Disease like nobody's business. Call me Charles Dickens because sometimes I write fifteen words when it only needed three. Also? I'm awful at writing long fic. I want to be one of those people but I know what I'm about. The most I can manage is about 30-40k and that's that.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Probably not, honestly. Or if I did, I would have a good reason and would try to find a native speaker to help me translate it.

I did it once upon a time for a fic where the main character was a priest and the chapter titles were in Latin, but that's the closest I've come.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Published on a site? Saiyuki. Which is still one of my all-time favorite series for forever. It was my first real fandom experience, back in the Ye Olde Days of Livejournal and Fanfic.net.

But written, even if nobody could see? Probably for Gundam Wing or Sailor Moon. I have notebooks where eleven year old me was writing self-insert fanfic because what else are you going to do when you want to be cooler than you are, right?

20. Favorite fic you've written?

Probably Right Side of the Wrong Bed, my most popular fic on AO3. Not because it's popular, but because I loved the concept, had so much fun with it, and had so many people tell me how they still go back and read that fic for comfort. It was funny and fun to write and I just had a great time with it. It sticks out for me.

A closer runner-up is Show Me, Don't Tell Me How it's Going to Be, which was a very vulnerable fic for me to write. It was an A/B/O fic where I projected some of my own sexual dysfunctions onto Jaskier, and the response to it was incredible. Some of the messages I got made me cry, tbh.

Okay, so now that I'm like... fifty million years late walking in with Starbucks, I'll do some no pressure tags: @ataliagold, @pearynice, @ghostinthelibrarywrites, @thefreakandthehair, and anyone else who wants to do it, just tag me so I can read your answers!

[bohnsky]

I am not happy at all. No I am but also I'm not. I did not wake up at 6:30 in the morning on a sunday just to watch my favorites dnf and listen to Ralf Schumacher rant about my love Checo (at least he knows that Checo fans dislike him). Only the McLaren double podium makes this race okay (not really but I'm happy for them) and Ferrari didn't fuck up which is good.

So anyway here are my favorite drivers 4,5 months into liking f1:

Because he was in the paddock this weekend, I have to include Seb again. My one and only. I love him, he deserves the world, protect him at all cost. When he said it hurts to watch instead of driving himself because Suzuka is his favorite track. Emotional damage.

But he seemed so happy to be back in the paddock and to teach the grid about bees. He's so passionate, it's beautiful. And we got Sewis content.

1. Alex Albon

This (hopefully) won't change as long as I put Seb in a different category (the Seb category).

Just today I saw a comment saying that you simply can't hate Alex and that he is the least disliked driver and I love that. He deserves all the love.

My heart broke when he retired. I am not okay with how things turned out here. Everyone said they love Suzuka, why is it so mean to me?

2. Sergio Perez

I hate to admit that I almost put him on third this week because I wasn't as obsessed with him as I was during the last few weeks, but omg did I get mad when Ralf Schumacher started ranting about him, which made me rethink that decision. I love Checo my precious. This whole race was a disaster for him (and me) and yes some of it was his fault, I realize that, but I refuse to think about it. Just as I refuse to think about his seat. And I refuse to talk about it with anyone who doesn't agree with me. (I don't mind people who don't agree with me, I just don't want to hear it, not when it comes to Checo my love)

I just hope he is okay mentally and can enjoy the celebrations with the team.

Also I usually drink a red bull for every race but I didn't want one at 7 in the morning, so that race must have been the punishment for me not drinking my racely red bull.

3. Charles Leclerc

My man, again on 4th must suck. So close to the podium. But honestly I'm just happy that Ferrari didn't actively try to fuck up his race again.

4. Lewis Hamilton

Sewis content yay :D

Lewis always seems so happy when he's with Seb and that makes me happy. These two are my f1 comfort ship, they never fail to make me smile.

But also unecessary Merc bitch fight, I hope they are civil about it off track.

5. Lance Stroll

This time I had to put Lance here. I just adore him and it literally breaks my heart that he has such a bad season. To me he seems like he always stays true to himself even with all the bullshit he constantly gets and I love that for him. And even if I want more Lance content I love that he stays away from media as much as he does.

He was doing really well this race and I thought this could be a good one for once, for my little Lancy shaped heart, but no. Everything went wrong today just kill me already.

Honerable mentions:

Lando. I'm so happy about the McLaren double podium and that Lando has so many podiums lately. Also I've been watching a lot of Quadrant lately and I'm totally digging it.

Oscar. Obviously, I'm so happy for him. He is an amazing driver and a precious little baby. Go McLaren!

Valtteri. He's really gone through it today. I like him a lot, he might even be in the top 10 and I just want him to be happy. This race was not it. Also it took me ages to learn how to spell Valtteri. I always wrote Vallteri or Valterri. But now I know.

Max. Congrats my guy. I was thinking, I'm a little sad that I joined f1 during his peak. I wish I could've watched him grow and become the driver he is now. Also his fucking hair. Please I just want to touch it.

Hulknussen. I just want to talk about them because it seems like no one else does. To me they are peak enemies to friends (to lovers). But I don't like Haas the team. The drivers are great.

The Alpha Tauris. Listen, I am not okay with the whole seat situation in Alpha Tauri or even all of Red Bull. I love that Yuki and Danny get to drive next season, but what about Liam? He is literally outperforming Yuki. He should get a permanent seat. Why aren't they giving it to Liam? What are they planning? Please don't scare me and my Checo heart. Why can't everyone get a seat? Why did I get into a sport where there are only 20 fucking seats? Why does everyone have to be so lovable?

George. I was thinking about George getting Alex this his seat and I am thankful. That's why George is here on this list today.

The 2nd William seat. Is not a driver but it stresses me out. I don't think that Logan will get it again. I want Mick to get it. Please give me your opinions. Who will get the 2nd Williams seat next season?

[ottiliere]

I love crawling out of the depths, opening up tumblr, and seeing your art. I love it.

it is quite interesting how social media can fall to the wayside, and people on the internet can just disappear forever if they really wanted to! I admit I struggle to keep up with "public accounts", they are uniquely stressful and I solute your hibernating tenacity. always lovely to see you resurface regardless, thank you very much for the lovely compliment...

I will say in case any of my dear followers were wondering where i've gone for the past month and a half, for weeks i've been pondering how to even broach the enormity of the topic that is: I made the mistake of thinking about my most favorite character for more than 2 minutes in one sitting. I intentionally go out of my way to avoid this and have many strategies to evade this occurring because every time I do enter a sort of hermetically sealed mental chamber where it's just me and him and his life and I begin to ignore all points of previously established social contact and also my health indefinitely. It's difficult to convey the emotional experience of this or its psychic magnitude. and it's hard to say "guys i really love this character!" because that's just words. you can't see it. the 10 years of obsessively thinking about some guy so intensely on&off cyclically until you've made 20 different worlds he's living in... how does one convey the depth of these without artistically depicting them as you see them to be...? i am trying to figure it out. currently planning a longform comic for my favorite and several smaller comics for others, but logically an individual can understand this takes a while... he and I have had multiple rendezvous over the past decade and I wish I had more "historical" art to show but for many of these years I have been a bit too physically disabled to draw, the past several weeks have been spent attempting to recreate his ideal form as he exists in my head. he is starting to come around!

I typed up three separate disquisitions last month to try and explain my feelings on him and none of them felt like the proper vessel to communicate this concept. which is likely for the best. the obvious answer is "just draw him". fine with this being the case, difficult when I have so many drawing ideas I'm now sitting on 100+ works in progress and they just keep accumulating since my brain generates these like an old laptop you leave in the corner of your room to mine bitcoin. in a way I'm content with this being a very "personal" experience thus far, shared with me and those in my inner social circle (really cannot emphasize to my readers enough how fandom can poison your constitution without self-checked moderation). however... I yearn to meet others who are as passionately involved with him as I am, because I think we could coalesce our ideas, and passion, into something beautiful...

^dio brando

[toasted-leaf]

My experience taking meds

So, I've started taking antidepressants for the first time a couple weeks ago. And it has been an interesting experience.

The first change I noticed was a subtle one. Before, whenever I wasn't experiencing emotions or in a depressive/anxious episode, the way I'd feel in my most neutral state was "numb". I felt like I was inside my own body experiencing the world with a certain distance from my eyes, like I was living but through a screen. After I started taking the medicine I began to feel a little more "awake", like I'm truly experiencing things first hand now. It left me questioning "so that's how everyone else lives?" and it has been something fascinating to think about.

When I read or hear about other people's experiences taking antidepressants, their positive descriptions are usually extremely positive, like something shifted in their mind and they finally feel at peace with themselves, like they finally have the energy and motivation to actually do stuff. For me, it feels a bit bittersweet. I'm still in the first few weeks of the treatment so my body is still adapting, probably next month me and my psychiatrist will see if we need to change either the dose or the medication to have better results.

For the past 24 years (my entire life), melancholy was my default emotion, to the point where, at times it didn't felt completely negative, but more like a very close friendship. The first actual book I've read as a kid was the "A Series of Unafortunate Events" at the age 10 and, even though the story if full of disgraces and not a single happy moment, it felt weirdly comforting to me. My whole life I've been using dissociation and fantasizing about stories and different worlds in order to cope with reality. As a consequence, very rarely I felt bored because if for any reason I had nothing to do, I could just switch to being inside of my own head and continue the fantastical narratives I've been creating and farming for myself.

I was always a bit detached from the world. Whenever I had a pausing moment, whether in class, in between interactions (or even during them!), during car rides, at home... you name it; I was always half living the moment and half inside my own mind.

However now that I'm feeling fully awake at all times, I've found myself bored way more often. It started to feel unnatural to shift inside my imagination during the day (and night). I wouldn't exactly say my creativity is gone, I still have ideas and am able to put them into paper, but completely shutting myself into them and getting the same intense feeling of being engolfed, being swallowed and fully experiecing those narratives inside my head is much weaker now. Is that how people usually live?

It feels weird. Now I think I understand why people seek out social interactions so much. Cause if that's how they experience the world, then they get bored a lot more often than I initially thought. They too seek emotions and narratives for themselves, but in a very different way than I used to. For the longest time I could have those by simply shutting myself into my own thoughts. It's much harder to get them this way right now, but I'm still seeking it.

It's been around 2 months since I wrote this, I decided to post it because I stumbled the doc in my computer and thought it would be something interesting to share if there's anyone out there going through the same thing (and for me to have it saved somewhere to go back and read it in the future). I'm more adapted into the medicine now that it has been a while taking it and my experience with it has been mostly positive!