#IM CRYING I SWEAR IT WASNT INTENTIONAL

[darabeatha]

WHY ARE U ALL DISSING MY MAN JASON LIKE THIS!!! (deserved)

[albedosarmpit]

Lawachurl X Albedo

(logged back onto my Albedo account and was reminded of his hair and couldn't help myself, that picture isnt mine btw i just found it online but yeah also in this thingy you totally got cucked by a Lawachurl that wasnt my intention im so sorry)

Warnings: Monsterfucking, Size Difference, Hairpulling, gang of hillichurls watch,

Albedo told you he would be back before sundown just in time to eat your cooking but he was afraid midway through his journey he realized he wouldn't be able to make it. Albedo had saw something happen between the Hillichurls that he couldn't just walk away from or else he wouldn't be able to sleep soundly

The Hillichurls were yelling, swinging their own gear at each other whilst one Lawachurl laughed looking down at them. his eyes keeping watch of the surroundings until he saw the bush Albedo was using to observe them, Albedos heart stopped as he made eye contact with it, he hated the fact that the fear caused him to form a tent in his pants, the Lawachurl merely kept watching while Albedo slowly walked forwards the Hillichurls quickly jumping up and collecting their weapons, pointing them at the Blonde.

The Lawachurl swung one of its heavy arms letting out a yell causing the Hilichurls to back down as Albedo continued to walk til he was infront of the Lawachurl, he couldn't believe what he was doing what the sight of the Lawachurls hardening cock caught his attention, he had never seen one this big before. Albedo walked towards it, scared for his life as he began to gently stand on the Lawachurls laid out leg, Desperately waiting for the beast to make all of the tough decisions for him.

The Hilichurls dropped their weapons and watched as the Lawachurl moved his hand and grabbed Albedo being as gently as he possibly could. The Hillichurls were waiting for the blood to pour out but were all met with a different view, The Lawachurl put Albedo down right resting where the soft patch of pubes were, Albedo wanted to throw up at the smell but choked it down, instead he moved to the giant cock and was forced to wrap his arms around it, the Lawachurl's cock already dropping hot precum down its shaft, staining Albedos jacket.

Albedo couldn't help himself and once the Lawachurl let go of his body he instinctively started to push against it, his own cock stlil locked in the prison of his pants begging for freedom as precum was clearly shown staining his own pants. The Lawachurl began to laugh as he put a finger on the back of Albedos head, right where he tied his hair together, his nail digging into where it was done up and instantly ripping it up in a fast quick motion, some strands of his hair fell down but Albedo couldn't care, the pain made things better, the pain made him rub against the Lawachurls cock even more, begging and moaning for more right infront of the Hillichurls, their bodies responding and wanting to join but clearly were too afraid, somehow more afraid of the Lawachurls strength than Albedo even though Albedo was crying from the pain

(I DONT WANT TO FUCK THE LAWACHURLS I JUST LIKE TALKING ABOUT MONSTER COCKS AND ALBEDO OKAY?? sorry if i talked too much about the Lawachurls though- other than that i am thinking of writing some smut of TOMIE BECAUSE YEAH- im suprised there isnt enough smut of her though, esp with all the monsterfucking thing, if i do it will be male reader though!! sorry that i've only writen straight stuff recently will get gay soon i swear!! also NSFW alphabets since those are cool and yeah jaicjsoivjsocoij)

[cajunfoxnight]

Heya! Long time follower of askoctoberfox here. You would know me from ask-terrakion and askomni, if those names are familiar, and here! Anyway, here goes.

I've been here since 2011 so hopefully I can offer some perspective that may help. I've ran a few blogs in that time and yes, in the past it was more active before The Ban, but things here are there, and picking up again I think. I'm getting a lot of attention on my blog as it is, probably close to or near the same as it's peak for the more exciting posts.

I know you're not a Pokemon blog, but your blog is absolutely beloved by the Pokemon ask blog community in particular. Every October I know so many people, including myself, welcome October's return every year.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't take care of yourself, though. I'd advise you to do the story art and such throughout the year, if manageable, to post on October to help with ask flow, so you can continue that interaction.

I know people flocked to twitter after The Ban but I also know it's not that great there either. I don't think there's a specific site or platform that works like Tumblr does. It's hard. But, if you're worried about audience interaction, know this: You're very loved here. :)

Whatever you decide, know I support your choice 110%. :)

~Skins

I swear im not going to cry. Im not.. gonna cry. IM NOT GONNA CRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY TAT Hello! Yes I do remember you! I would really love to say thank you so much for your note and reaching out to me (I hope I can reply to everyone who did!) as well as your thoughts on October and her blog. I admit that I didnt think it was.. quite that vastly spread?? But, hey, color me surprised! Wow, has it really been that long?? Since 2011?? Wow I have lost all track of times these days, haha! But yes, youre right in that this offers a real nice perspective, which is something I badly needed. I no intention of her blog going anywhere, but I guess I wasnt all too sure if people were here much these days. Last year I felt like I was seeing quite a drop in notes/interaction from the previous years- and while it was still a good bit (and I was thankful for each one!) I was starting to wonder if people had moved on. Twitter is another place I am quite active outside of here, but I hear you when you mention about how crazy it is and getting your content seen is so hit or miss. Its funny in a way, youd think that running a blog for one month of the year that Id have plenty of time, but the problem is that I do commissions outside of October and that eats up a lot of my everything (I do enjoy it ) So personal work often has to be put to the side, that and my time management skills are bad |D as noted by how this year has gone |D. The nice thing about October's story is that The Plot thankfully is something thats not pressed for time, but I just have to get those certain pieces in place before I can move onto That. Even outside of the story, the thing I have loved the most when it came to making this blog, has been getting the chance to interact with others and spread my love for Halloween all over the internet with all of you!

There has been a lot to think on this year, and having that chance to just vent out those feelings, and getting the feedback that I have, has already done wonders for me. Whatever it is that I decide to do, I just want everyone to know that no matter what, I will not leave the story of October untold. Even if I may not get to tell it the way I want to, I dont want to leave people wondering what happens. Id still like to be able to draw it out, but.. well, time will tell, wont it? Thank you again! 🦊🕯️

[nighterclown]

Write out the flustoration write it out write it out

So I have a bit of a problem if you could call it that its like--it is a problem but I just ughhh

So the thing is I have my two really cool really fun friends that I love and cherish more than anything and anyone, honestly I would kill for these two but aside from that, I have some mildly concerning abandonment issues, that also goes with posessiveness over people that are important to me and a fairly annoying infiriority complex. From these thing I can most of the time look aside from and just have this small sting in my chest but not think about it and it goes away,, but thist time--- OHH this time it hits like a train,,

Thing is that I have this roommate/classmate for over 2 years now and, we are not compatible as roommates who see eachother 24 7 so we had our fair share of fights which resulted in shouting and swearing and hurting eachother,,, and in the past shoolyear Ive had it pretty rough and (even tho we talked about it and realised it was just kind of a misunderstanding) she hurt me a lot and made me close up around her. Im not mad at her im simply scared and unable to act my normal self around her cuz even tho she really wasnt she still was my abuser and made my condition last year a lot worse

So yes this person has always been really friendly and apealing and extroverted to most of our piers and that is fine we have our seperate friendgroups which gives me ease, I mean gave me ease until not so long ago she decided to talk to my friends more and more often, until its kind of bacame a thing that she hanging out with my two friends (spesificly one of them) outside of school which makes me feel really fucking shit my blood boila every time I see them hang out or talk with eachother and my heart leaps with the fear of feeling alone and abandoned. It makes me wanna cry, it makes me question my friends' intentions and feelings toward me, I fear my status in the our small closed trio dropping, I know im really annoying, whiny, not as smart as the others, not as funny and not as pretty as my roommate, and I just think these ppl can find anyone better than me

So I explained to this to one of my two friends (bc of course I have to go out of my way and whine about annoying shit, expose myself as someone who questios thier loyalty for me and once again cry and whine about it like a pathetic little spoiled brat) and of course she tried to reassure me that its okay its nothing like that and even tho they dont know what our other friend is thinking, but probably also that, that yes she is fun to be around and all but they wouldnt like to get to know them more personal, since shes not the kind of person they would befriend, which means a lot to one side of me, but the majority in my mind still rejects all that my friend said, I always felt infirior to all of my friends and my roommates in 84% of the things making me unable to cope with this.

Not to mention I also feel also about telling this to one of my friends (and fear telling it to the other) since I its non of my fucking business who are they talking to and befriending with, and its very wrong of me to have so much hate and fear inside of me for this but i just cant get myself together, and I dont know what will I do

Ill probably end up explaining this to my other friend too since its going to be just the three of us this thuesday afternoon and weekend, cuz maybe if I heard my other friend tell me the same (I dont know what to expect from him, this is something I dont think he can fully understand bc of his low empathy and avoidently attached mindset)

So yeah I wish this woudl all go away and leave me be since its also making my amgerissues resufice and I wont see my psichologist for a fucking month now and summer is fasr aproaching and I dont wanna throw up bc of all the feelings when one of them Will tell me that they met up with my roommate over the summerbreak

so yeah

Good to have a rant page with noone in here

[cascadiiing]

So I watched up to season 3 of aot and picked up from there on the manga and read it all yesterday and

What

I'm so lost

Why did it turn into that

I love pretty much everything up to the time skip. Or maybe everything up to when they find out theres other people. I have elected to ignore that anything past season 3 is canon

[cynettic]

Stay with Me pt.3

Summary - You manage to escape from Scaramouche, if only for a moment before you realize there’s no escape. It only takes until you’re sitting back in your regular spot that you know what you need to do.

Pairings - Kitsune!Reader x Yan!Scaramouche

Warnings - Suggestive content, mentions of death, swearing, slight gore / blood 

A/N - Its really hard to make this depressing while I’m vibing to Rasputin. Like no joke- I have it on one of the 1 hour playlists :D

Here you’ll find -  pt.1 and pt.2

He’d left a key.

Scaramouche didnt make mistakes, not while he had you captive in the vicinity of his bedroom. He didnt have room for mistakes, not when you were watching his every movement while he was in your line of sight. 

Sure, he mightve killed a person or two in front of you, but those were necessary mistakes. There was a sign on the door, it specified not to enter. You’d understand that, right?

Thats what he thought at least, lulling himself into belief after belief that you’d be there waiting for him every time. That you’d welcome him with open arms, even if there were chains ensnaring your wrists. That you’d accept your fate at his hands and submit yourself to him.

The Balladeer was a fool.

He’d kept you there for too long, and while you searched for an easy way to escape, time sent your head spinning. Into a spiral that begged only for the wind against your face, back laying on dirt with the familiar chirping up birds waking you up in the morning.

You wanted to go outside.

And when push comes to shove, you had to risk a little more to make it happen. Lure him into bed with kisses while your hands unbuttoned his vest. But what he believed to be alluring contacts was just your way of finding the keys hidden in the back pocket of his shorts.

It wasnt hard to find the one to your cuffs while he was asleep, cuddled in your chest with both arms around your waist as if to get you to stay put. You took the key, hiding them back in his clothing and hoping he didnt notice.

He didnt say anything the next day.

You werent going to wait any longer.

“Oh for fucks sake, why won't the goddamn door open?”

The room was left in tatters behind you, a little gift for Scaramouche once he got back. Turns out a pair of chains can smash up a lot of things, and rage can be used as a great source of strength when contained for such a long time.

But you’d done more than throw the blankets around, cut up the drawers and smash open the windows. Because your fists had bled red when you punched through the glass, puncturing your skin. Your knuckles were an ugly red, bruising already.

Ah, Scaramouche deserved a much better gift.

Gruesome as it was, you rubbed your knuckles against the pale walls. Till the blood stopped coming, till there was a nice little message for the boy which you held so dearly to your heart.

‘Balladeer.’

The first time you’d found out about him being a harbinger he’d told you not to call him by that name. You weren’t someone he associated with by work, you were a treasure to him. That’s why you continued to call him as he pleased, although the temptation always arose.

You were no longer his.

Shoving the door with your hand again, palm fiddling with the handle and groaning when it hardly budged. “Stupid,” you grumbled when the knob began to loosen. Backing up, you charged with your shoulder to the door, full force as the momentum broke the hinges. The door fell down with you along with it.

It was expected, you’d been stuck in the room for a long time, and thats considering you’d sat on the ground for decades. Your body was slight numb, muscles sore and unused for so long. 

“You a-arent supposed to leave your room!”

A young man stood in the hallway along with a woman who looked relatively the same age. The two were wearing uniforms, flinching when you stood up from the debris and off the door. “Excuse me?” You asked, voice unnecessarily icy and stern. But you couldnt care less, you were going to get out of this house, damn anyone who stood in your way.

They both continued to shake when you walked towards them, staggering from side to side. The woman stepped up in front of the man, presenting a brave face. “If you leave the mansion, the harbinger will kill us all!”

“Well then I expect you should be on your way then. Actually…” you gestured to the maze of hallways. “You can lead the way.”

“What…?”

Your hand went limp to your side, an exasperated looking momentarily crossing your face before you sighed. “Im not staying trapped in that room, I’m sorry if that ruins your life, but frankly you're not the one stuck in there are you?” You took an extra step just to intimidate them, eyes wide to make the appearance of crazy. “It would be a great help if you showed me where he hid my vision too.”

“We can show you to the door…” The man began, “But the whereabouts of your vision are unknown, he wouldnt tell us something like that.”

A gift bestowed from the gods, a piece to help me thrive with my ambitions and pursue my goals.

Gone.

You really wished you’d taken to clawing out Scaramouche’s face instead, but you’d take what you got. Right now your main priority was getting out of this place, even if it meant leaving a piece of you behind.

“Door.” Your voice was raspy and there was a terrible feeling that crawled up to your throat, but you didnt have time to be emotional. “Show me where the door is… please.”

The conflict in their eyes dissipates by the time they lead you along, mumbling words between themselves. You didnt bother to try eavesdropping, you were so, so tired. You wanted to go home.

Anywhere. Anywhere but here.

It took a few minutes until you were standing in front of a grand door, almost twice the size of you and just as wide. You then began to notice the decorational plants and furniture that filled the empty space, there wasn't an inch of dust. Even though you could tell none of it was used.

“Hurry,” the man warned when you paused. “I dont know when our master is coming back, but if its soon, we’ll all be screwed.”

You couldnt feel your head as you numbly nodded, hand clenching the knob and flinging the set of doors open. “Thank you,” you merely mumbled, taking your first step out of the house in what felt like forever.

The days after that were a blur, the area around Scaramouche’s house were nothing but void. Empty and filled with forests and vast plains. You knew he didnt like people or socializing in general, but to this extent?

Your only option was to run.

Let your feet take you somewhere, anywhere. It was a constant pattern of running and taking breaks, leaning on a tree and gasping in a few breaths before you were again scurrying through the forest. 

And yet you felt better than you’d felt in past months that you’d been stuck with Scaramouche.

Food became any boar you came across, the claws you’d spent so long hiding with Scaramouche coming to unleash a wrath beyond your comprehension. Till the animal was cut to shreds and no meat was left even to eat. You’d slaughtered it, without intention to eat or benefit for it, you’d killed it just to kill.

“I’m sorry,” you’d sobbed into the ground where you’d buried the harmless animal. Forehead pressed into the dirt as you pleaded for forgiveness to whatever archons would accept it. You couldn't even remember what archons you were supposed to pray to. “Forgive me- forgive me…”

But eventually you found your way around to somewhere you knew. Territory of Inazuma where you could find your way back, back home.

Where was home?

You’d been on the run from the vision hunt decree, abandoning your post for the Kitsune Saiguu for such a thing. Even now that you could return without a vision and as no threat under the decree…

You’d sacrificed everything for your vision.

Where were you to go now…?

Rain patted down, the trees providing only a slight cover as stray drops fell into your matted dirty hair. You didnt mind, it hid the tears that slid down your lifeless face, feet taking you into the far meadows of your hometown. Till you plopped down underneath a tree, knees curled to your chest and arms hugging them close. You were crying.

You were home.

____________________

“Awh,” a ginger haired murmured, elbow resting on the cool wood of the tabletop. “Is little Mouchie sad? I heard your kitty cat escaped~”

A death wish, even fatui that idly minded themselves around the bar knew it. Sipping cold drinks and swirling their cups, the soft chatter was nothing but a distraction from the main course of events. That being the smaller Harbinger who sat sulking in his seat, hunched over with a drink in hand. He’d drank far more than what was on the counter, but everytime he finished a glass, he’d smash it on the ground, watching the fragile glass shatter into pieces.

“I dont have a cat,'' was his only response, tone daring Childe to pursue further. To give him a reason to start throwing the glass in his face instead.

And Childe was an idiot when it came to challenging someone.

“No cat?” The rest of the drink in the taller harbinger’s glass was gone when he threw his head back. “Hmmm, I cant think of what else could’ve had you so enraptured in returning home then~!”

Scaramouche didnt respond, uneven bangs shadowing the bags under his eyes. “Stronger,” he said instead, elbow on the counter and hand outstretched for something. When there was no movement from the man managing the wine, the harbinger looked up. “I need something stronger to drink,” he repeated, voice seething.

“Of c-course!”

The glass was nestled in Scaramouche’s palm in no time, fingers curling around the circular form to down it in seconds. The drink merely slid down his throat in one movement, alcohol burning his senses. It didn’t matter, he was numbed by the growing rage inside of him.

Finally, he turned to the ginger haired boy, eyes hazily dancing along the counter till it reached his fingertips. Up his hand and along his arm, till Scaramouche was staring right into Childe’s eyes. “They escaped,” he admitted softly. “But it’s alright, because I sent something that’ll bring them back.”

Childe paused, raising his drink up away from his lips to pose a question. Hesitation danced along his features before he brought the glass back, he’d rather not provoke the shorter male any further. Wasn’t like he could interfere anyway.

____________________

“That… that…” 

It was preposterous, having returned to that same spot for a day or two and heading back to the hometown you’d once lived in. The one Scaramouche had lived in. There shouldn’t have been an issue, you were solely gathering supplies for the sake of it, ambition driving you to travel far far away.

Out of Inazuma.

It was your new beginning, convincing yourself that you didn't need a vision. Finding some sort of purpose before Scaramouche shattered the vision and your life along with it. You’d seen how people had reacted when it had been ingrained in the statue, neutralized and broken. They lost hope, purpose and aspirations for anything new.

It’s not like the Raiden Shogun took my vision.

But you’d taken that fact for granted, expecting some sort of new start without Scaramouche. A victory, getting away from him just for a split second and getting out of Inazuma altogether, you’d never see him again.

Until you got his message.

“How the hell…” You crushed the note until it was just crumbled paper in your hand, slowly leaning on the stone wall. “Piece of shit… what kind of person even…” 

Not only did he manage to find you, but without making his presence known, he’d tugged at your one weakness with an ease that had you down on your knees.

You threw the paper to the ground, deliberate as you stared past the alleyway. Pensive as you considered your options. Damn, what options did you even have? You’d been an idiot to underestimate Scaramouche, he wasn’t a child, you knew that… but archons he seemed like one when he was with you. Shown you a vulnerability he wanted only you to see. But maybe that had been part of his plan all along, until all you believed was his soft demeanor.

He may act like a child, but he’s a harbinger.

You stared down at the crumbled piece of paper in disgust.

Not only that, but he has no regard for human life.

Either way, you’d lived decades more than him. You could face him, you would present yourself to him just as he expected you to. Even when everything in you rejected the idea, sobbed at the thought of returning to that house, those chains. Being locked up and confined only for the purpose of coddling a small boy, a selfish boy, a cruel boy. 

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

You’d figure out a way, and this time you wouldn’t rule out the option of his death.

———————

Oh darling Y/n, how have you been?

I hope this letter reaches you rather soon, we both have much to discuss, no? About me, about you, and much more. You see, I’ve taken up quite a distaste to your little friends. Stone statues in Inazuma as small as Kitsunes truly hold no purpose, what will they do, come back to life? Haha, I should think not. I’ve already arranged to have them demolished, who knows what kind of material they might possess. Ah, and of course I’d show you the finishing product, unless you’re willing to come and have a chat with me once more? Under the Sakura tree like we used to, you’ve waited years, I believe you can wait for me?

I hope this letter reaches you in best interests. I’m always looking out for you after all.

Sincerely, your Balladeer

——————

It was raining.

Beautiful weather as you lay sitting there, feet crossed and tucked in the same you’d often do. After all, there was no need to fear the vision hunt decree or the Raiden Shogun. Let them come, let them take care of you before Scaramouche did.

You werent cold, not when the cold drops dampened your clothing, slipping down the length of your spine and drenching your face. Despite having lived in a luxury residency for such a long time, this was where you were most comfortable, enduring whatever the weather had for you, taking it with a smile. Because you were waiting…

The Kitsune Saiguu was a distant memory.

You were waiting for Scaramouche, the young boy that often bound into the field in lengthy strides, childlike wonder in his eyes. The one who’d cried when the other kids pushed him away, the one that just wanted to be praised. You’d held him in your arms, and now, even knowing the results, you wouldnt have done differently.

He was just a boy.

Just a boy when he joined the fatui, looking for praise that he was given. He created chaos and bellowed orders with a cruelty that was highly looked upon. Told that he was doing well, so he continued to do so.

He’s just a boy.

You wished you’d held him in your arms, if not only for a tad longer. Shield him away from the wrongness of the world, if only for one last time.

Banishing away your hatred for him was hard.

But you found it under the tree, rain soon dimming down to a clouded cold breeze that swept through the meadow. You’d hated him while stuck in the mansion, but you could now see it from a larger point of view. What he did was wrong of course, but you could remember him so vividly now. His small form giggling, tiny arms around your neck. 

“Play with me!”

Was it your fault?

For not holding him tighter? For trying to rectify his bad doings and teach him what was wrong and right? Maybe if your grip was firmer, if you’d spoken to him about the warmth he’d given you that day when playing cards...

“Lazy ass.”

Burying down that pile of worry and insecurities, you took a deep breath in to relax. The edge of your lip perked up, only slightly. “Still terrible with your social skills arent you?”

Slowly securing a dry space under the three with you, Scaramouche sat down. His features were the same ones you’d grown accustomed to at his mansion. Rich clothes, sharp eyes, and the baby face that refused to go away. His movements were soft as he pulled out a deck of cards. The two of you didnt speak as he distributed them between you both. It was tense… no, it felt too much like the warmth form long ago to be tense. You only wished the situation to be different.

“I love you.”

But you could only offer a bitter smile to his words. “I love my vision,” you replied. “I love the Kitsune Saiguu, and I love my friends.”

His touch was gentle when his fingers came to gently cradle your cheek. Holding your face dearly as he peered into your eyes, his were soft. Different from the cruelty he held within, the hatred that burned and destruction that seeked to explode.

You saw a little boy.

Your hand came to press his hand further against your cheek, till you slid his palm to your lips. He appeared so calm when you pressed the first kiss, lips tracing the lines along his palm with all the care in the world.

But you needed to change your view, see him as the man he now was. As the man he had become.

“I love you,” he repeated, and you let go of his hand. It fell limp by his side, cards all but forgotten. There was a much more pressing matter at hand, because you truly needed to see him as he was.

It was necessary if you planned to kill him.

[unlikelyempathpruneauthor]

Tour without You

Summary: fans saw the video of cal singing ghost of you and people think you two broke up.

a/n: SO YALL KNOW WHICH VIDEO I'M TALKING ABOUT RIGHT? Idk if he was actually crying, but a part of me tells me he was, but idk who knows, but i hope he was okay and is doing okay now.

You were currently home watching duke at yours and cal’s place. You couldn't go on tour with cal because of work, so being alone was a norm you had grown into. Whenever you didn't go on tour you and cal would spend time calling one another whenever a show was over, so he could see you and if you needed to comfort him for anything. He hated when he had to leave you alone, but you would reassure him you had someone that was a part of him. Duke would usually stay with the dog sitter, but when you stayed back home you watched duke. You two would have some quality time together as usual so the small pup can use his energy throughout the day.

For Cal though today, just wasn't his day. Their bus tour had taken a re-route, they got to the venue late, he couldn't focus during rehearsal since it was cut short, from them arriving late. Usually when stress came he was able to handle it well, but you usually were there to comfort him right there and then, which also added to his stress as well, not being able to be with you in moments like these. Fans in the audience and online had seen his expression and worried for him, especially when singing Ghost of you. He hated that his stress would reflect how he acts during shows, but today was really bad for him. Cal doesn't really notice when fans are recording, but a video had gone viral during the concert within minutes and fans skepulating about you and cal. You had no idea of this hence you not being near your phone all day and having a nice day out with duke. Your phone had been blasting all night and once you got home with duke you checked it once seeing all the notifications on all of your socials.You were slightly confused as to why there were so many so you checked it out.

@5SOSUPDATES: is it possible cal and y/n broke up? Could be because they haven been posting with one another. Also today’s performance he seemed sad, especially during Ghost of you.

“What the hell?” you said as the puppy barked at you as you continued to look for something that gave you some sort of idea that was going on. Then MTV also made a topic off of it.

SPECULATING BREAK UP RUMOURS: POPSTAR CALUM HOOD AND GIRLFRIEND Y/N L/N POSSIBLY BROKE UP BEFORE A SHOW DURING TOUR

You were quick to find the resources they were using to claim these speculations and there was a video of cal singing ghost of you, at first it was all good, he was singing good, you saw no sad emotions, but when it got to him harmonizing, with the ghost of you, that's when his expression changed. At first you thought that it was just the way he was singing. But you looked over and yeah you were convinced he was crying.

You tried to first go over anything you might have said to make him upset, but there was nothing, you texted when you could and he seemed fine the night before, so you didn't know what was wrong. Unless he lied to you, which he would do when he was away from you. He didn't want to bother you, but you always told him to talk to you when he was feeling down and not himself. You were always going to be there to talk to him always. Just then you got a call from mali, you were quick to answer as she probably has seen these as well.

“Mali, hey.” you said as she spoke, “hey super weried, but have you been on your socials and possibly MTV?” she asked as you sighed, “yes i have.” you said as she contuned, “okay, is it ture?? Did you two break up? Omg did cal do something because i swear-” she said as you giggled and cut her off, “no we didn't, well at least i think so, but uh, no i called him before this show and he seemed fine, but you know how he is, he doesn't tell the full truth until you get it out of him.” you said as she hummed, “thats true, well are you talking to him tonight?” she asked as you hummed back, “yeah i should be getting a call in about an hour, i dont think he has checked his phone yet, so i'll call you first thing alright?” you said as she hummed and you two said your goodbyes. As your phone was still blowing up, more and more rumours were being made, but you didn't expect to be getting attacked.

5SOSWILDFLOWER: Yall, there are some photos of y/n with another guy before cal had gone to tour, guess cal has a reason.

|

Caly/n_stan: i don't think she would cheat though, they've been together for years.

|

Lukehemmingsstan: i mean yeah but people change especially when dating a celeb, and it wouldn't be the first time a 5sos member would be cheated on.

|

@mikeycliff5sos: i mean you can tell she was just in it for the money and the fame, she never spoke about her job.

You were at first confused as to what pictures you were talking about, but then you clearly remember you were with the dog sitter, who happens to be a guy. He was one of Cal's best friends and he always took care of duke when you were away. You were there before cal had gone to tour, to tell him personally that you were staying with duke, since you knew him and it would be nice to catch up on duke’s behavior. Of course the fans didn't know that, but that didn't mean they should attack you. You were kinda stressed about this situation, especially with the things being said, fans even started to question your real intentions with cal and wondered if you were just after cal for his money and fame questioning your line of work as well, which wasnt public because you line of work was importnatn, you were a visual editor at entertainment company and well you kept it private and you didn't want any problems.

On cal’s side of things, he hadnt checked his phone at all wanting to handle one side of stress at a time. After teh show he realxed before calling you, making sure he looked good and fine. But once he lifted his phone he had seen so many notifications, at first he thought it was about the show from tonight but when he clicked he saw everything that was being said about you and him that you two had broken up and the means things being said about you. He was quick to call you as you answered quickly hoping he was okay.

“Hey” you both said quite rapidly, “sorry you go first.” cal said as you sighed and spoke, “are you okay? But i want to know the full truth cal, you know you can talk to me.” you said as he rubebd his head and wished he had spoken to you before anything, he knew if he talked to you hten these rumours wouldnt be made. “Fuck love, im sorry, we had to reroute the show for tonight we got there late, and rehearsal was rushed and, today i didn't do my best to hide my stressed emotions, i tried, but i couldnt, all i wnated to do was talk to you before the show, but i wasnt able to,” he said as his voice was cracking and you felt bad for him, you knew he handled stress well, but you knew today was one of those days, “bub its okay, just talk to me about this kind of stress to help you when you can, no matter what time it may be. I know im not htere, but remeber im a phone call away, always. No matter waht okay, you call me when youre feeling like this.” you said as he smiled a little missing you so much more than he should be able to.

“Youre too good for me you know that? Im sorry for waht the fans are saying, i'll straighten it out babe, they shouldnt be saying this stuff about you,” he said as you giggled, “its fine, it hurt at first, but i mean this all happend beucase i was out with dukes dogsitter,” you said as he laughed a little, “gosh the fans are really out of hand, i love you so much, youre there for me more than many times i could even count, you know youre it for me,” he said as you blushed hearing his words, he would tell you this all the time. It was true, you were it for him and he was it for you. “And youre it for me too, and i'll happily be there for you, always you know that.” you said as he smiled and jsut couldnt wait to get home to you. After talking for about 2 hours, you said your goodbyes and you had gone with the rest of your day as cal had straighten out with the fans about his citation.

He posted a picture on his story of you and captioned it:

To clear out the rumours from today, me and y/n are happily together. y/n has not and has never cheated on me, for those who know she is everything to me and i will do anything to not lose her. There is no anger towards this situation jsut please, be careful with what you say on the interent, even if y/n and i dont post about us everyday its not htat wer are not together, we like to live in the present with one another since i go away for tour. Usually shes here with me, but sadly she isnt. So again please just be aware with what you are posting, we are human and things that were said towards her will hurt anyone.

[eternallyhyucks]

sweet as molasses | mark lee

pairing: college bf! mark x college gf! reader

word count: 1.06k

genre/warnings: angst, swearing

summary: in which you confront mark for not treating you the way you want to be treated in your relationship

—note: listen to molasses by alec bailey while reading (if you want, of course)

𖤐 ྀ

you sat on the floor of your apartment with your head in your arms and tears streaking down your face.

he did it again. he left you alone again. he promised he wouldnt, but it was really you who was at fault right? you were the one who believed him again. you thought maybe he changed, that maybe he would keep his promise this time. but as usual, he didnt and now you were back to sitting on the cold tiles of your apartment’s floor crying until you physically couldnt anymore.

you stared into the darkness of your kitchen and decided that it was time to end it. you couldnt do this anymore. he would continue to hurt you and you knew that this was not how you wanted to be treated.

you heard mark walk inside and take off his shoes as you silently stood in the kitchen you had previously shared so many happy memories with him in. he came up behind you and wrapped his arms around your waist, kissing your cheek. “hi baby, sorry im late, but im here now! thats all that matters right” he said smiling

you almost melted into him like you always did, but you fought through and peeled his arms off of you, turning to face him. “mark i cant do this anymore” you say quickly

he furrowed his brows, confused. “what do you mean? im sorry im late, but i didnt mean to be” he said taking one of your hands and drawing circles on your palm

pulling your hand away, you say, “no mark, you either never show up when you promise, or you’re late. it’s one thing if it happens occasionally, but it’s constantly happening. you’re always lifting my hopes up just to break it later. you always make up these elaborate excuses and i always let them slide because i CARE about you, mark. i dont know if you do this on purpose because im not worth your time or just cause you’re some insanely popular kid, but im not here for it anymore, mark. im over it.”

sighing, mark looks you in the eyes and says “i know y/n. i know im terrible. im really bad at this. i know i am. i know i make you these promises and break them later with stupid excuses, but when i make you promises, i always make them with the intention of fulfilling them, y/n, i do”

“then why do you always break them” you say quietly, now staring at the floor

“because ive never done this. i dont know how to do this properly. and i DO care about you! i really, genuinely do. i just dont know what to do with my feelings, this is all so new to me. just please, please dont leave me y/n”

“mark i cant stay with you anymore. i understand that you arent doing this on purpose and it’s nice to know that now, but i dont want to be in a relationship like this if it continues to be the the way it’s been”

“please y/n, give me another chance, ill change, i swear i will” mark pleads

with tears falling down your cheeks you do your best to keep your voice from cracking and speak up once more. “im sorry. maybe now isnt the time for us. if we’re meant to be together, we will be. now isnt our time, mark”

“no. no, no, no. we can make it our time, i refuse to end it like this.” he said shaking his head

“and i refuse to keep going like we have been, mark. im so tired of crying every single fucking day after waiting for you to maybe show up. do you know how many times ive looked like a fucking fool waiting for you at restaurants ??? people looked at me with those stupid sorry eyes and all i could do was smile at them and act like everything was okay when it wasnt. it isnt fucking okay mark. im sorry that you arent good at this. i hope that you can fix the stuff you’ve done wrong with me with any other girl you’re with, but please just promise me that you arent with anyone until you do, because i dont want anyone to feel the things i have felt”

“im starting to feel like you didnt really care about me y/n. you seem to really hate me for being such a shitty boyfriend.”

“i could never hate you, mark. you were the first boy i had a real relationship with. you brought me so much happiness, but it just got lost somewhere along the way?”

“lost? y/n it got locked in some box that had no key” he scoffed

“hey dont say that! you’ll find that key one day and then you’ll be able to make someone else the happiest girl on the planet. someone who deserves it.”

“but what if i only want to make you the happiest girl on the planet? then what?” he said quietly

taken aback, you paused.

“then wait” you paused again. “but you dont have to, mark. there are billions of girls out there who could treat you better AND who you could treat better. just take some time for yourself before any of that, yeah?”

“yeah ..” he said sighing

you stood up a little taller and began making your way out of the apartment, but before you could take another step forward mark called out for you again.

“baby”

you stop walking. “mark you cant call me that anymore ..”

“i know, but i wanted to one last time”

laughing you walk to the door and open it

“friends?”

“friends.”

and just like that, you ended it with the love of your life.

©eternallyhyucks

TAGLIST!

@overthemoonbae , @yejicrossing , @baekswoons , @igsana , @renjunn1es

—send an ask if you would like to be a part of my taglist!!

[millenialfanfictionaddiction]

Golden Nights: Part 13

Warnings: mentions of assaults, victim blaming (not intentional), bystander trauma, mention of rape kit, mention of sedation, so much crying, swearing, soft yet pissed of Bakugo

⚠️THIS FIC IS 18+⚠️

Word count: 1522

"Taya, hey are you ok?" Kirishima asks as Taya stares with a blank expression on her face.

"No, no im not ok" she starts to sob. Kirishima grabs her as hugs her.

"Can you tell us what you saw Taya" the officer leans down sitting across from Taya in a chair. Taya looks up as Kirishima rubs her back.

"Y/N... she... Y/N she was assulted by that man!" Taya shouts as she starts to cry. "Omg I- I've never seen someone so scared in my entire life! I froze. He had his hands down her underwear! Omg Red" she started to cry into Kirishima's arms. Kirishima hugged her and rubbed her back.

"Taya you saved Y/N" he said.

"No no I didn't! He had a grip on her. He was squeezing her arm so tightly and she was crying. I knew she was trying to get away but that man, that fucking disgusting roach touched her Red oh my god" Taya cried.

Kirishima looked at the officer and nodded. The officer left and Kirishima tried to calm Taya down. Reirei and Mai were all sitting at the tables at the main floor. Tony was pouring glasses of water for everyone as the bartender locked up the liquor cabinets.

"Taya, sweetheart do you think you can tell me what fully happened?" Kirishima said softly as Taya began to take deep breaths.

"I was getting dressed after my set. I heard the music stop from Y/Ns set, Reirei and I were waiting for her. It never takes more than 3 minutes to get off stage. We can almost time it. We never divert from the stage to the dressing rooms" Taya breathed deeply as she slowed her shaking voice "it was 5 minutes past and Y/N hadn't come in. Reirei was changing so I decided to look out in the hallway to see if Y/N was there. I opened the door and thats when I say them" Taya started to cry again.

Kirishima rubbed her back as she settled. "He- he had one hand on Y/Ns upper arm and I could see his hand snaking below her panties. His face was in her neck and she was so scared! I could see the tears! Oh my god Red, she would never do anything to hurt Dynamight ever he has to believe her" Taya screamed as she started to cry again.

Kirishima looked at her in shock "Taya, Katsuki knows Y/N did nothing wrong! None of you did anything wrong. He assulted her and you stopped it."

Taya continued to cry.

My God what have these girls been through Kirishima thought to himself.

His thoughts drifted back to you and Katsuki.

Kasuki just held you as tight as he could. You cried softly into his chest as he rubbed your back.

What had happened?

Whatever happened he wasn't there to protect you and it scared him. He felt so vulnerable.

The back door slams open as Gigi returns with a police office "fucker got away again!" GiGi screams punching a hole right thought the dressing room door. He was furious.

He started walking up to you "Y/N babes I'm so-" Gigi starts to say he leans down to you.

You grip katsuki tighter as he growls "DONT FUCKING TOUCH HER!"

Gigi moves away.

He's devastated. He failed you again. Katsuki didn't mean to yell at him. He was furious. But he wasnt worried about other people's feelings right now, you were his concern. Soon the paramedics made their way to you. Your death grip on Katsuki not wavering as they ask to check you over. You were too scared. You didn't want anyone to touch you. You felt sick and dirty. Every spot that pervert touched burned on your skin.

"Dynamight.." one of the paramedics spoke. Katsuki's head snapped in their direction. He was pissed. His crimson eyes burned with hatred.

"Katsu, you need to let her get checked out" kirishima said softly from behind paramedics.

"We need to take her to hospital, she needs a ra-"

"DONT FUCKING SAY IT" Katsuki shouts. Growling at the paramedic who put his hands up in defense.

"Kat-"

"I fucking know! Jesus christ" Katsuki lifts you up and holds you close "nobody fucking touch her unless you want me to blow your whole ass up" he shouts!

Katsuki carries you to the ambulance and climbs in. You softly weep in his arms, avoid his stares. "It's ok baby, I'm here. Im going with you. I won't ever leave you ever again" Katsuki kissed your forehead as you relaxed.

Kirishima signed as he rubbed the back of his head. He helped Tony close the club down, suggesting they stay closed for a few days. Tony agreed and hugged Taya and Reirei goodnight. Kirishima drove both girls home as Taya cried. Taya wanted to go to the hospital and be with you.

"Katsu is with her. Trust me she's the safest human in the entire world. Katsu will blow up anyone or anything that comes within 20 feet if her" Kirishima chuckles.

Taya smiles softly as she hugs kirishima, kissing his cheek. "Thank you for everything red" Taya smiled.

"Eijiro" Kirishima said "Please call me Eijiro. My friends call me Ei."

Taya smiled and turned to walk into her house "Thank you Ei" she said closing the door.

Kirishima walked back to his car heading to the hospital. He was pissed. The anger was settling in. Who could do such a thing? Not only hurt you physically but make Taya feel like it was her fault? Ei scowled as he peeled out of his parking spot heading to the hospital.

Kirishima arrives at the hospital, running through the emergency doors. He speaks with the receptionist who tells him to have a seat. He sits for what feels like hours before a doctor comes to get him. "You can head to room 1088 Red Riot" he smiles as Kirishima nods. He quietly makes his way to your room and knocks. He can hear Katsuki silently tell him to enter. He walks on and sees you sleep on the bed as Katsuki sways by the window staring at you.

He's furious and Kirishima can tell.

Katsuki is never this quiet. The silence is deadly. For the first time, Kirishima can see your face. It's red and your eyes are swollen from crying. You have marks on your neck and you upper right arm is completely black and blue. You can see what he thinks are hand marks imprinted on your arm. It makes him sick. You have an IV hooked up to you and you look so peaceful.

"They gave her a sedative"

Kirishima whips his head to katsuki. "What" Kirishimas breath hitches.

"They gave her a sedative so they could do the rape kit" Katsuki rubs his hand over his face. He's pissed. His jaw is taught and veins are bulging from his neck.

"I'm so sorry man, I-" Kirishima speaks as Bakugo puts his hand up.

"What happened?" Bakugo looks at him. Kirishima swollows.

"Kat-" Kirishima starts to say. Bakugo runs up to him grabbing him by his collar "I asked you What. In. The. Fuck. Happened?" Bakugo was ready to kill. Kirishima had never seen this side of him before. Kirishima nodded to Bakugo to head to the hall way. Kirishima told Katsuki what Taya had told him. Katsuki didn't say anything. He just stared at the floor.

"Taya said she didn't recognize the man. None of them did. They think he might be the same guy that tripped her last week.." Kirishima went off. He finished telling Katsuki about your ordeal.

Katsuki looked up to Kirishima with tears in his eyes. "I'm going to kill him" Katsuki said as he scream "IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL HIM" Katsuki feel to the ground sobbing as Kirishima ran to console him. "This isn't your fault dude this is no one's fault! They are going to catch the fucker who did this to her and he will pay" Kirishima rubs Katsuki's back. Katsuki stands up thanking Kirishima.

"Hey man, umm Taya said something that was a little concerning and I wanted you to know" Kirishima said as Katsuki looked at him.

"Taya is worried you'll leave Y/N. I dont know what's going on but Taya was so afraid you'd see her differently" Kirishima said softly. Bakugous breath hitched.

How could he ever blame you? He loved you. He would do anything to protect you. You were perfect and some fucker ruined that!

"I love her Ei" Bakugo said softly as Kirishima snapped his head to him.

"I love her and I failed her" Katsuki looked up to the clock.

Kirishima put his head down. He had never see Katsuki like this. He didn't realize the affect you had on him. Bakugo signed as he went back into your room. He pulled a chair up besides your bed and held your hand laying his head on your bed.

"I Love you Y/N" Katsuki sobbed into your hand as Kirishima watched from the door. His heart breaking for his best friend.

[pinkseas]

bads frustration with the vines being cleaned up, “so disappointing, its all in preparation” god you can HEAR it and how upset he is im so. im so. im Not sane

the red banquet advertising LMAO was nervous but  i feel better now. 

no but the way bbh is still borderline fond of quackity even while corrupt. the way he shows little to no mercy to ANYONE he used to care about, towards his own friends, especially those going against the egg, and comparatively he’s so much easier on quackity, trying so hard to make him understand, really trying not to hurt him. god

remembering what the basement used to look like is SO jarring. one of my first ever streams i remember seeing it virtually untouched, i think one statue mightve been red ??? and NOTHING else. its so. its So.

i know the whole thing with nether blocks being used is mostly because of how well the colors all work and the lava but MAN does it make me think. especially considering my favorite nether worldbuilding has to do with the nether itself being one massive sentient being netherrack flesh walls etc etc idk !!!!! makes me Think. love it so bad

they built it all so nicely starts crying. “i wonder if we have enough seats for everyone” i know they literally murder bitches but STARTS CRYING

egg please dont speak backwards when i dont have access to what youre really saying Thank You

bads frustration the way he cows with whatever its saying “I know! i know. you dont have to say it anymore” WHAT IS IT SAYING IM SOOOO. im so.

i still swear the shroomlights around it make it look like petals unfurling

“eggactly according to plan” i hate it here. god it really is still them. like i know thats mostly cc bbh but im Choosing to interpret it as the characters still being themselves even with the eggs influence. Man.

“theyre gonna have no other choice but to love it!” hmmm. 

bad exasperation with skeppy. crying in a different way now

officially pausing my quiet bloodvines playlist in the background to really hear this god help me

“i wanna be next to the egg” NO inflection, completely monotone. everyone was affected differently but for the most part they kept their personalities and emotions- skeppy is just. almost gone. no emotion, no care, nothing but wanting the egg. it makes me SO curious about how the egg works and what it does i swear

“we both know theres nothing wrong with the egg and the eggs great and all” the way bad is literally only here for skeppy i am GOING to cry. i cant even remember what extent is or isnt canon i just know in my mind bad broke free of its influence, is probably far more resistant to it now, and is still there because his best friend loves the egg and he wants his best friend back. god.

still caring for and being worried about skeppy but at this point its so far in and hes starting to get more frustrated/give up hope

“lets go for a walk” literally just wanting to spend time with him GOD. how is there another 20 minutes im gonna Die

skeppy being so far gone and just. not giving a damn. its so jarring but also ive only seen skeppy like this? my 2nd or 3rd stream was BBH and puffy trying to get skeppy back to himself after he’d first been corrupted, the one where they had that little underground house and the big skeppy face in the wall and bad was upset because skeppy wasnt his best friend anymore. but i think i vaguely recall him at least pretending to be a bit more emotional or cheerful, in a cynical sort of way ?? and now its. total carelessness and apathy.

“all of this, all of this is for him, and its so frustrating. i know that egg is not evil and everything and everyone is just misunderstanding it” GENUINELY cant tell if this is genuine or just him convincing himself. like obviously the egg is awful but we never learned its actual intentions. obviously the banquet was mostly death but i really, really have to wonder. there are SO many things 

“i dont like how much time he spends by it now, he literally just hangs out by it” implying the slow build of him hanging around the egg itself more and more and how its making him worse. obviously being physically close to the egg is REALLY bad and corrupts you much faster but i have to wonder if part of it is also skeppy becoming more corrupt the more the others serve the egg ??? idk idk idk thats NOT a full thought

SKEPPY ABLE TO REPAIR IT i did not know that. holy shit

the skeppy “do you wanna take a picture? i mean you keep looking at me” its cruel but god. he’s really still in there too its not full apathy hes not fully gone just wildly fucking corrupt. GOD.

bad sounds So Sad he cares so much more about skeppy than the egg holy shit. step aside c!clingyduo 

skeppy being VERY aware of the egg and area and what has and hasnt been touched.... so in tune with it.... i love it here

NOT THE OLD STATUES BAD PLEASE. “yeah. i look good.” SKEPPY.......... ohhhh my god and bad saying it looked better before. fuck. Fuck. 

i have a weird thought/hc about the egg running off of wishes or willpower of those corrupt or something and skeppy wanting his friends to be safe and abandon him so the egg can die vs bad just wanting skeppy and it working horribly. skeppy being more and more cold and corrupt as hes trying to drive bad to abandon him, bad pushing closer JUST wanting his friend, both fueling the egg up until bad finally gives up, decides its not worth it, and inadvertently frees them both. and it REALLY doesnt have much ground in canon but this is fueling it just a little bit. skeppy REALLY doesnt want bad talking to him.

 bad not giving a damn or even flinching or moving anytime he gets burned

BAD SHIFTING AND BEING SO EXCITED WHEN SKEPPY MIGHT TAKE THE WALK EVEN THOUGH ITS JUST TO GET LEFT ALONE. NAURRRRRRRRR. JUMPING UP AND DOWN AS SKEPPY ACTUALLY MOVES. FUCK.

bad literally praising the egg vs telling it to shush when he just wants to be around skeppy GODDDDD

okay skeppy interrupting the egg made me assume he couldnt hear it but that solidifies it i think. he couldve been doing the threatening “who are you talkign to” as in who are you daring to shut up but i genuinely think he cant hear it, it doesnt seem like he was being more threatening until he realized bad WAS talking about the egg

skeppy also not giving a damn about the burning in spite of having No armor and definitely taking damage, “i like how it feels” ohhhh my god. bads tired, quiet “of course you do” FUCK ME

skeppy getting all dramatic about the dance and bad shutting him down LMAO

bad REALLY trying to get skeppy to spend less time around the egg, “do you think thats like, good for you?” its all for skeppy everything is for skeppy fr. 

TELLING THE EGG TO SHUT UP AGAIN. 

“okay done come back” no hesitation, bad still arguing every time because hes still fighting for him in any way he can

“It’s not about power, it’s not about control, I’m your FRIEND Skeppy” “I mean, you can think that” holy SHIT. cant tel if skeppys voice sounded more apathetic or more sad. it almost sounded sad but i might be imagining things 

“What, that egg, that egg is gonna be your FRIEND?” GODDDDDDDDDD

“The egg is more than life itself, dont you understand? dont you feel it? no, you wouldnt understand” eyes WIDE open

“youd rather hang out on this egg than on me??” giggling thank you bbh for the slip up i once again feel better now

“Skeppy, tell me im your friend right now” the way theyre arguing i have NO clue whats in skeppys head right now but bad being so furious and fed up and desperate, EVERYTHING hes done with this egg has been for skeppy, every bit of it for their friendship, and now skeppy is saying every bit of that effort and everything hes done has been for nothing because they arent even friends.

 the talk of sacrifice ohhhhh my god. oh my god. oh my God. this whole conversation is so. holy shit.

“i just dont want you next to THAT” the way hes willing to spend so much time with/around the egg but even now doesnt want skeppy near it. fuck.

THE SELFISH TALK... STEP ASIDE C!CLINGYDUO

the way selfish prob hits so hard because in his mind he PROBABLY hates this is hurting so many people making so many sacrifices ALL for skeppy and their friendship, not at all for him, ohhhh my god. theyre both right and theyre both a little wrong and i hate it im soooo

“IT’S JUST A STUPID EGG SKEPPY” he literally does not like the egg he literally hates the egg he doesnt care for it every single thing has been for skeppy hes not FULLY under his influence he does it for skeppy. THE FUCKING HORROR IN HIS VOICE AS HE GASPED AND SKEPPY DIED IM SO. IM SO. IM SO.

the “what happened, what did i do” the way THAT in itself was so influenced by the egg, maybe consciously maybe not but definitely by the MONTHS of serving bad did all for skeppy im so. im so. im sooooo. 

i cannot for the LIFE of me tell what is going on in that ending 

“please actually answer me. bad?” holy shit.hjoly shit. holy shit., 

[starfleetakaashi]

g’day, queen ☺️☺️ im procrastinating rn so i would like to request a cute lil headcannon of the shiratorizawa team’s manager being dense and the little sister of kuroo, bokuto or oikawa (whichever) who teaches her a bad (or just plain rude if you don’t do swearing) word. then she goes to practice the next day and says the bad word in the right context, and everyone is like O-O ‘wtfwtfwtwf’

ANOOONNN THIS IS SO CUTE!!!!! i chose oikawa bc i just wanna write for him :3 hope u enjoyed thisssss💞💞💞💞💞

shiratorizawa reacting to oikawa’s innocent lil sister saying a bad word:

the shiratorizawa vbc wasnt just a club to you; they were a club full of ur big brothers despite already having one at home

toshi always bothered u about how ur brother shouldve come to shiratorizawa and ur like “trust me toshi-san u dont wanna deal with big bro kawa’s bs”

ANYWAYS!!! u were in ur room doing hw in advanced bc shiratorizawa had a match in a couple of days which meant u, as the manager of the vbc, were going to get very busy

u can hear ur loud ass overdramatic older brother and his childhood bestfriend walk through the front doors

oikawa being all teasingly and giggles while u can hear the murder intent in iwa’s voice and ur just like... will he finally snap???

welp iwa did snap but he knew u were home bc of ur shoes at the front door so he didnt curse

“shut up trashykawa”

too bad ur brother is an idiot and didnt notice u were home

“quit being a lil bitch iwa-chan”

.... silence on iwa’s end while oikawa looks at him like :3

and ur like 👁👄👁 oh?

for some reason it made sense

usually iwa nor oikawa cuss around u since they know u can be a lil dense and when oukawa found out u were home after a beating from iwa he started crying

“NOOOOO [NAME]-CHAN DISREGARD EVERYTHJGN I SAID PLEASE” hes so annoying

anyway!!!! next day after school ur in the gym talking to the coach when tendo approaches u and starts annoying u like he usually does

tbh u werent really in the mood since u kiiiindaaaa failed ur quiz and overall had a bad day so u snapped

usually tendo is used to u snapping at him since he tends to choose the wrong moments but this time... luv he is SHOCKED

and so is the rest of the team

“tendo quit being a bitch and shut up already”

WTF IS GOING ON??????? YOU CUSSED

TOSHI IS SHOCKED TENDO IS ABOUT TO PASS OUT GOSHIKI HAS HIS HAND IVER HIS MOUTH AND SEMI IS JUST LIKE......😀

absolute and utter chaos for a whole hour yall almost didnt practice but the coach had enough so he yelled at all of u

and theeennnnn oikawa came to pick u up bc ur mom yelled at him to since it was getting a lil late

“[name]-chan!!!!!!!” he rushes to hug his little sis but is stopped by toshi “ahhh waka-chan?”

“dont teach [name] such vulgar words”

oikawa almost died bc that meant u cussed and hes just like 😓😓😓😓i ruined my baby sis innocence

u just stare at the two of them like 👁👄👁

“u shouldve come to shiratorizawa oikawa. maybe then u wouldnt have done such a mistake”

someone shut toshi up🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

[heyitssmiller]

Sorry my ask made you feel this way it totally wasnt the intention! We all know its your story to write and i swear we’re so grateful youre doing it in the first place. What i meant by the ask is that its sad reading about a character’s death/them losing their memory but i didnt intend for it to sound as if im making you write something you dont feel like writing just to please us, its your story to end however you feel like, im still gonna read it and enjoy it so much even if itll make me cry❤️

It’s ok! It’s really more of setting boundaries for myself than anything else. I’m the type of person who wants to make everyone happy and sometimes that just doesn’t happen, you know?

I’m thrilled that so many people are invested in this story!! It makes my day!

[blabkfdskdhfkjs]

omggg imma tell u abt my crush. so i had a crush on one of my closest friends but im not tjat type of person so i tried to not think abt that for a while then (+ they were using words like dude bro which is friendzoning me. yea anyways) uhh one day i cooped with random person on genshin and i tweeted something like i fell in love and they deactivated their account i texted them thru instagram to ask if they r ok hjcjshxk they sent me a long ass message saying they had a crush on me for 7 months or more and i learned that i gave them so many pain in that time i was shocked ofc and i affected by it anyway um a week later i found their rant acc they didn’t want to be friends with me anymore bcs thwy alteady got hurt a lot blah blah so i deactivated my accounts to help them But apparently their intention wasnt that lmao A lie ofc but lets not talk abt that now! oh and i confessed them thru diacord QHICH WAS VERY Hard for me because its really not tjat easy for me to express my feelings i swear i waa crying while i was texting those messages lol and they said who said i’d be dating you??? LMAOOOOO I WAS LIKE WHAT ..... then why did you confess your feelings to me HKFHJJJS????? hskcbskxah jfsjhdsj god i still feel so dumb over this BUT THERES MORE they got torqued off and sbed me from everywhere lmaoooooooo lmaoo hfksjdjjdwhjdwh i still cant believe this tbh like what in the world happened ???? oh they specifically stated that i wasn’t guilty of anything but i just found their ‘new’ twt accoujt and they tweeted so many hateful things like ur not worth it, you are a coward and many things that hurt me bcs they know me and my insecurities very well but still chose to hurt me in that way blaah blah blah kdsbxkaj its a funny story sorry i talked too much but i just think that its so funny 😁 i cried for 2 weeks straight but now i just cant feel bad abt that i need to point and laugh at this point !!!!!! myea

HELLO? This is wild what the fuck

[shadowturtlesstuff]

again but better thoughts while reading

@polandbananas20

 so my spelling is terrible in this but you know i was more focused on the book than how to spell. 

Chapter 1) good intro and good starting tone. The lady next to her sucks. Good small establishment of shane.

chapter2)shane characterisation is still consistent. I like her two new roommates (will be best friends) . My guess is the boy in the kitchen will be pilot. Family means but not intentional. Has no confidence. I was right about the boy

Chapter 3) intro of pilot properly. He's good. I love the inner monologue of shane. Trying to keep eye contact, the surprise of having a normal conversation. It sets her character well. Intro to her blog which i would love to actually read (i hope there's at least one entry we can read) pilot is a musician but not. Business major. What crap. 

Chapter 4) i really feel like shane, she is just typical fangirl/ dork and i love it. Its weird being english and reading about the things that shock them like pasta in bags.i understand the watermelon.we do get to read ‘shanes writing’ but its her personal jornal not her blog.

Chapter 5) fun chapter. Intro to rome. Love the idea that shane is heavy handed and violent. Short, not alot happened other than small character establishment.

Chapter 6)intro to creative writing class which i want/need in my life.more beatles. Woman on plane works at starbucks, will she make more appearances? 

Chapter 7) the drama???or at least wht will be the drama. Pilot has a gf, called amy (wish it was me) (wait no, bc i know that plot doesnt actually like amy anymore bc he obviously likes shane. So i take it back. I want to be shane, i mean i basically am like her but oh well.)

Chapter 8) parents. Overprotective, think they know best. Urgh. guarantee one of shanes new friends fight back to her parents to support her life choices, that do not include doctor.

Chapter 9)gets an internship at travel mag company. Thats it…..

Chapter 10)rome. Looses purse. Pilot to the anxiety riddled rescue by telling his own life story about his wallet to help calm her nerves.distracts her. Basially he would do anything for shane already.re count of rome trip from her jornal again which is a good touch to further the plot. This is making me want to read dan brown (ish) all of two books i own of him

Chapter 11) the postcards are a nice touch that i hope someone reads???? Travel buddies..just saying.chad..hmmm,im like shane,well see if he is good enough for babe. Her GODDAM stupdi mean cousins being mean on her facebook, and babe seeing (best friend moment) about pilot and the whole teasing about having a boyfriend.

Chapter 12) he didnt see (but i think he did but istn sayin anything) paris i shappening. Babe is bff confirmed and i want her as my friend 

Chapter 13)angry birds addiction starts. Level three, weak, shoulder touching it romance confirmed.awwww pilot 100% waited to sleep so he could see shane safe in bed

Chapter 14) pilot with a french accent, enough  said. The flirtinggggg.  The plane woman  is back??in paris with them????

Chapter 15)pilots choices of the back in time thing are both wit shane. Its so obvious and i love it. Pilot as a fake fangirl about the eiffel tower. More flirting,kind of. Oh god chad no.he did it. Goddammit.nooo he wull run babe and shanes friendship and maybe her and pilot. ‘Assbucket’ indeed. Her an pilot are fine and i really believe her and babe will be because when she nearly gets robbed babe giver her a sympathetic smile. Not much to go on but i have hope.

Chapter 16)okay so, fav chapter, she finally spills her guts that she has anxiety basically, that she is premed with strict parents and this is scary whilst pilots lies in bed with her to relax her bc he heard her crying. He only ecoureges her slightly before going back to his bed and sleeping. My heart, i swear, soon the roles reverse and pilot will say why he is in london and all that.

Chapter 17)babe and shane bffs confired. Chad is the worst confirmed. Of course it wasnt  break up call. Of course she wants to vist. Of course pilot is to cowardly to break up and just accepts them going to paris together. Of freaking course.

Chapter 18) do not get over pilot, it wont work. Rugby guy nooooo!im team pilot how dare you kiss shane! Wow, city of glass mention. I want to make a list of every bookmentioned.

Chapter 19) pilot is not himself (obviouls) shane is worried. She is still lying to her parents an feeling bad about. Rugby guy is thankfully a no go. Pilot finds out about the kiss and guy and is clearly silently jealous. 

Chapter 20)aww shane! Im sorry pilot sucks currently. And a stupid guys trip with flat four. No. and devil chairs. 

Chapter 21)1)love the book talk.  The loneliness is kicking in, pilot man up for gods sake

Chapter 22)this red-head plain weirdo is back and going through her list like some sort of mentore. Omg!!! No. amy is here, i dont hatte her but can she not. Also, her dad…. No! (this is the stand up moment i was on about, i hope)

Chapter 23) i do not like her dad. At all. Nooo shane...no. they found out. And acted like assholes.

Chapter 24) n1!ahhhh no! Amy has her notebook. The end is nigh.im going to cry i feel like shane. 

Chapter 25) the family dinner-family outing. Niether of them manuped and shane is depressed

Chapter 26)back in america. Still hasn’t told pilot but you know it is a slow burn

Chapter 27) I, wait? Marry, some guy? Like no. I know it’s been what six years but no. I refuse.i don’t like this so called Melvin. It’s okay she doesn’t want to marry him. She goes to see pilot and finally mans up and tells him and asks if she made it and and pilot finally man’s up and tells her no she didn’t. They get stuck in an elevator

Chapter 28) the elevators doing something. Shane wants to re do London cuz she hates life

Chapter 1?) they are both back in London? Both having the same what ever is happening? 

  Chapter 2) omg. Plane lady took them back to staRt over and pilots mad about it (obv)

Chapter 3)so… they got mad but started over and I’m excited. 100%they won’t press the restart button. I’m calling it now. Cuz pilot knows he now has a chance to do the what if’s/

Chapter 4) they keep there distance but we all know it won’t last

Chapter 5) tipsy Shane? Shawarma

Chapter 6) babe thinksthere is something going on with them( again)

Chapter7)the story about fake pilot, and the kiss. Ahhhhhhg

Chapter 8)they found the button. Shane doesn’t want to go back. I do t want them to go back. They don’t go back thank god

Chapter 9) da Vinci code flirting somehow.. Shane tells him it won’t happen u less he breaks up with last Amy.

 Chapter 10) he will break up with Amy and laris is gonna happen. 

Chapter 11) so Shane is happy again, pilot broke up with amy. Shane tried to make peace with the devil chair.

Chapter 11) they are so adorable. Aswwwwewhwhehruysnwjw

 Chapter 12) Uwuwnfhueia we get more Shane and pilot flirting, 

Chapter 13) the opposite game is adorable. I like that they get to be themselves together without the awkwardness. The start of the move game. Thats my fav. 

Chapter 14) they still have the angry birds obssesion but unlike me and supercard they know when to stop.the dance ‘move’ ahh i love. The line ‘but you do.’ just shows how much they know each other and how pilot would do anything to make her smile. And the lost move (not really a move but totally a move.) once again proves their love. Also we had that plot moment where he talks about why h chose to go to london. I adore shanes rant (?) about the things she loves. And then pilot doing the same thing. Shane vs chair is my life, like i battle chairs too. 

Chapter 15) what is tfios? Ooohhh. Fault in our stars. (i googled it)i probably shouldve known by the whole always part. The dance move came back to bite pilot in the ass and now they are dancing together. Ew chad. Yes shane! That is what chad deserves. 

Chapter 16) they get intimate and gigly and happy and aaaawwwhww

Chapter 17) im glad shane still rememebers to be friends with babe and not forget her in her lovestick state currently.

Chapter 18) her postcard….the questions that haunt her so much. Sort of accepting them herself too. She finally got to do wrecking ball, they miss internship , oh no…. Start if a downall?? 

Chapter 19) shane and pilot have fallen HARD

Chapter 20) the article is off the table. Amy is there. What the hell. No. omg pilot no, you moron. THEY BROKE UP!!! Which is fair, a break is needed. They both get back on track and then try and find a balance. Hopefully. Oh her laptop….shit...the feels when all your work is just gone. Tries to reset bc she is so depressed bc she thinks she failed again. 

Chapter 21) she cant go back (thankfully) a bookstore is always a good haven to go to when your breaking down.

Chapter 22)the redemtion (?) time to try and fix everything and get back on track.the determination and the readiness to try and make everything better for herswelf, herself, and no one else is good. She makes friends with the people in her office and works harder than befire, try to get herself out of her comfort zone and experience things

Chapter 23) the confrontation with her parents. Oh god. I hope this goes well. Its going as well as it can go. Im happy shane is sticking up for her dream so she can be happy, uugh the whole dad speech of ‘i do everything for you, i know best because im older,’ i hate it. Ooohh she is making up with leo, talking ot him this time. Im happy. Leo is gay. Cool. i hate how he got broken up with becuase of his stupid family, it sucks. ‘There is no normal.’ perfect words. 

Chapter 24) her thing is in the thing!!!( also good job me with words.) her article got published (there we go)this is where she learns she can be with pilot and be successful because tracy is with a famous author and they make it work with harder schedules. Trys to talk to her parents. This time she will make there relationship work.

Chapter 25)urgh ‘you live under my roof,on my dime…’ blah blah blah. We hate controlling parents that dont see that overprotecting and controlling their childs life does more damage than good. Babe suggest self discovery trip. Babe is a grat friends. 

Chapter 26)the button thing will work…’im mad at pilot. Or am i mad at me.’ she cracked the code. She loathed herself because of her fear of failing, but because this time she worked on herself to make herself happy she no longer hates herself. Yet she still feels the same (ish) feeling that even though she worked harder and got further that she has no summer job when she gets back to the states, her parents still wont allow her choice of work.PILOTS BACK!!!!!!! She was about to press the button and he swooped in with his music.

Chapter 27) he still follows her blog and got help from babe. His speech, finished with lamppost. Where can i get a pilot?he uploaded their song. Working through the divorce thing again but it will be better because he has shane to talk to about it. Ahhh she got a job!!! Happy ending!!! My heart!!!eeeee…

epilogoue) she becomes a successful author. Her parents have accepted her and support her. Pilots a musician. He takes her to the weird plane lady and they gobe the locket back, then he makes the ultimate move. With pictures of where they fell in love he uses the beatles russain doll things to hide a ring and when she finds it she obviously says yes. And that its unfair cuz she cant top that move. 

sooo...thats it.

i really enjoyed this book. i cannot wait for her next book. this post is longwinded i apologize but oh well? again i will link my website and review as soon as its done. so far in about five hours all i have is a paragraph so it may not be as soon as i want it to be

[starkendgame]

okay so i saw endgame twice last weekend

there’s spoilers ahead y’all so i suggest scrolling on by if u haven’t watched

anyways

here are my thoughts and they’re all over the place so

- first hawkeye scene was already so sad also do i sense a kate bishop??

- tony teaching nebula how to play paper flick football was the so cute i love their dynamic

- also seeing how caring nebula was during that time oh man i am soft

- okay but how did carol just happen to come across tony and nebula’s ship???? like there’s a whole universe,,, and she just found it??

- “i lost the kid” had me ready to cry so fast

- rocket responding to being called a build-a-bear with “maybe i am” snsksjkd

- tony’s snap at cap was so valid and i think he needed to let all that out and cap really needed to hear that

- also i like that they gave him credit for his warning that the world needed a suit of armor because it shows some dummies that he created ultron with good intentions

- support group cap is a good concept and also kinda sad bc we know sam was also a support group leader

- this is an unpopular opinion and people will definitely disagree with me but carols new haircut was not doing things for her

- nat crying over clint made me big sad especially the second time around

- honestly i really liked nat in this movie more than others, her character really shows some depth

- i swear i’m going to get 3000 tattooed on me somewhere that shit HURTED

- on that note morgan stark is the most adorable little girl i’ve ever seen and dad!tony deserved to be a concept for more than 5 years (or 5 minutes from an audience point of view)

- like if you didn’t hear “define lunch or be desintagrated” and immediately melt ur a liar

- scott running around the vanished memorial in panic is :(

- okay cassie looks way to old for just a 5 year time jump im sorry someone had to say it

- hulk/banner is so fucking weird it’s so uncomfortable but also it didn’t bother me to the extent where i wanted it changed bc it was pretty funny

- also him giving scott tacos had me rolling

- thor bod is okay and i think shitting on him for it is mean we all acknowledged that he’d been through a lot after infinity war

- “shit”

- tony inventing time travel super casually? iconic.

- tony also creating a gauntlet in a hot second even though thanos had to fatty go to nidavellir and use some special ass metal to get his? even more iconic.

- all the domestic scenes where the avengers just sit around trying to figure out where to make their jumps and nat with her little notepad and bruce going “shut the front door” all of it was so good

- alright here’s the tea the thor we know and love would not just ignore loki when he went back in time he’d have exactly the same reaction as when his mother showed up

- their whole relationship that was built in ragnarok just fucking died and i refuse to accept that

- also seeing loki made me very happy and very sad i miss that dramatic little bitch

- also i love frigga

- america’s ass

- literally imagine checking out ur own ass and being like “damn,,” while ur friends also do the same

- “i can do this all day” “yeah i know” was solid fucking comedy even he’s tired of it

- “hail hydra” was also so good that bitch really took full advantage of being from the future he was so proud of himself

- i feel like nebula perhaps could have warned nat and clint about vormir but idk

- nat is so fucking important and deserved better, no memorial? no funeral? really?

- honestly and this is a problematic opinion but i wish it was clint and not nat because marvel wasnt doing enough with his character anyways and nat was such an integral part of the team in so many ways and it’s kind of terrible that i think this bc clint has a family but nat was honestly the heart of the team

- but she did so good and i’m proud of her she really died a hero’s death and she needs recognition

- the broken shield like how it was in tony’s vision is rough

- cap lifting mjolnir??????? Wack

- shuri yesssss i really hope she has a bigger role later in the avengers but im upset tony didn’t get to meet her he would’ve loved her :(

- the scene when everyone came back and it was just everyone in one place was such an experience like man the goosebumps

- also seeing peter for the first time back made my heart swell i love that boy

- tony and pepper iron couple is everything i needed thank you

- tony and petey reunion <3

- but also i felt like peters lines during their reunion were a just the slightest bit odd but that’s just the script not toms acting

- scott looking at hope when she calls steve “cap”

- the fact that cap called peter “queens” is really cute and overlooked also pepper calling him “kid” like tony does

- the girl team up WHEW chile can i tell u i was smiling so big that shit had me SHOOK at first but then it occurred to me how unlikely it is that they would all end up in the same spot and that was completely there just to make fans have the exact reaction we’re all having and so they could score brownie points i’m sorry i had to say it

- okoye is hands down the most badass woman out there no powers no armor no shield no suit no fancy tech she’s just out there kicking ass with her spear and i appreciate her

- also this might be dumb but if carol is the strongest of all of them, why couldn’t she use the gauntlet and perhaps survive

- also it’s just stupid that they acted that carol was going to be such a big part of the movie but she was there for maybe 2 hot seconds

- seeing that crusty purple small dick grape finally get dusted was all kinds of satisfying

- “we won mr stark” “i’m sorry tony” and “you can rest now” fucking destroyed me thanks

- i’m going to fucking miss tony so much i’ve cried so much

- he’s literally been my favorite superhero for 11 years Fuck

- proof that tony stark has a heart also destroyed me bitch i am GRIEVING

- who’s gonna make the abnoxious sarcastic witty comments now Bitch the mcu lost so much with the death of tony stark

- also i really hope they show peter having some issues after all this i think it’s only realistic there’s a lot of trauma he went through

- harleyyyyyyy :)

- cheeseburgers :(

- also speaking of harley can he pick up the genius invention slack in the future i think that’d be so good

- queen brunnhilde <3 ur gonna do great

- where’s gamora?? also her timeline has got to be super fucked up now

- is thor gonna be in guardians 3??

- also it’s a bit upsetting that even with the snap that brought everyone back, half thor’s people are still dead bc they died before the snap

- ned and petey reunion <3

- caps ending has me a little conflicted because yes it’s nice that he got his happy life and everything but i am gonna be one of those people who thinks it’s a bit out of character

- also if i’m being honest, tony and caps endings should’ve been switched i feel like, tony really needed to be able to have his happy ending and stop blaming himself and living with that guilt i think he deserved that closure and also having that character on standby for future movies seems super useful to push some plots forward?

- and with cap his whole thing was that he really wasn’t supposed to live past that plane crash and i felt like if his character was gonna go out it would be the way that tonys did bc i mean the man stood up in front of a whole freakin army before he knew help was coming

- that aside i think bucky should’ve gotten the shield, mostly because i think that’s only fair but also sam already has falcon, but all bucky has is the winter soldier and that has all types of bad shit attached to it so idk i think to make him captain would’ve been better

- i do think bucky knew what cap was gonna do he literally said “i’m gonna miss you” before he left even though he was supposed to have been back in 5 seconds his time and he didn’t look freaked out at all when he didn’t also he told sam to go ahead and talk to steve that bitch Knew

- also the sun didn’t fucking shine and i’m pissed they completely fucking desreguarded his entire monologue in that scene

- if tony and nat don’t get big ass memorial statues im going to sue

- also i hope peter and morgan have a cute sibling relationship please it’s what we need

- the sound of the first iron man suit being built at the end really got me and it was only 2 seconds of Sound

- but i wish we got an actual end credit scene like scenes with tony and morgan or something that teases far from home or some homage to the A6 idk it was underwhelming to not have a scene

- also i can’t watch any marvel movies now without being REALLY sad so there’s that i’m a little bit of a disaster

- i think overall this movie overlooked a lot of development that went on before hand and in that sense i think it lost a lot, but in terms of how the story went down i think it was good there was just a few things i wish they added (thor and loki ahem ahem) and honestly the movie should’ve been longer w an interlude but it was good + worth the watch i’m just a huge emotional wreck

- (also a side note: i’ve seen some people questioning why others are so upset over these fictional characters and it’s because yes we have attachments to the characters but also the actors, and after the characters die the actors won’t be in any more of these movies and we won’t see any more of their content or interaction with the rest of the cast and that shit is sad we’re gonna miss them so there are some tears)

[abthepoet]

All my friends are dead.

Something strange is trending in my life.

All my friends die.

At the beginning of my sophmore year in college, my roommate from freshman year died tragically in a single vehicle car crash. Her name was Allison Lynam. We called her Blake. She was sassy and funny and I wish I would've taken more time to know her.

The rain was torrential the night she died. I swear I've never seen it rain that hard ever again in my life. She drove to the store along Highway 36 in Long Branch,NJ. She had off campus housing that year and had to use the highway often. The road was terribly flooded the night she died. Im told she hydroplaned, spun, and T-boned the driver side smack into an electrical pole. Her family still decorates it.

At that very same moment, in my dorm room nearby, I was watching TV when the lights suddenly flickered and dimmed. A brown out.

I had no idea but that was my friend crashing into a pole and dying. She was 19 years old.

I know this because that accident happened near the mall. That accident killed the power to nearby businesses.

I later found out that the road she died on was so badly flooded, the police intended to close it. Why they didnt get to it in time, I'll never know. Maybe that's fate.

Then there was Jessica Blain. Jessica Blain was a firecracker of a human being. She was 100% unmistakable. One of the loudest, funniest, most loyal people and friends I have ever met. She was also an incredibly gifted singer and I was lucky enough to have Chorus with her. We, along with a small group of friends, founded a new greek organization on our campus, Alpha Xi Delta. We were paired up as Twins. (you can't have Bigs & Littles when you're just starting the Family Tree). We named the family we formed Fuck Up Your Shit. Because that's what we'd do for a friend. I miss her laugh most of all. It was loud and unapologetic. She was there for me, supportive, and encouraging without me ever having to ask. The night I officially finished college we all went out to the local gay club, The Colosseum. I got wasted, of course. But Jess was the person who when I shouted 'I have to pee' on the ride home, she stopped and knocked on strangers doors and asked to let me use their bathrooms. Nobody said yes so she held my hand while I peed on a fence instead. I remember the last time we spoke. She was at a concert with a mutual friend. We hadn't spoken much since I graduated, she was still in school.

She died in her dorm room bed on Halloween as a result of asphyxiation during an epileptic seizure. She was 20 years old. The news was broken to me that very same Halloween night as I floated along in NY on a concert cruise. The World/Inferno Friendship Society decided to host Hallowmas, their annual event, on a boat this year. Nothing like being trapped on a musical boat while you grieve. I had messaged her AIM late that night to say hi. She had an away message up. I may have sent a message to a dead person. I miss her friendship more than I realize sometimes.

That brings us to James Padden. James was a warm, snuggly bear of a guy who always tried to do the right thing and let me steal his hoodies. He insantly became my best friend in a Stepbrothers-esque manner. I met James working overnights at Wawa in Leonardo, NJ. I forget how it started now, but we were standing in front of the deli and I think I tossed him a broom or he already had one. . . I cant remember now.. . . but he just took one look at me with that mischievous little twinkle that I quickly returned and we instantly began sword fighting with our brooms. Like two little boys playing pretend and having a ball. He was sweet and silly and kind. I needed a ride, and he loved to drive. Our first winter as friends, we went out doing donuts in the snow. I barely knew him, but I felt safe. We smoked a ton of weed and had so many adventures trying to procure more. One time, we got so high driving to a Dropkick Murphys concert in NY we kept going in circles, missed almost the entire show save for the last 3-5 numbers, and had a blast. I can barely remember the night, but I remember laughing hard in that car. No one could talk to me like James. We were both insecure being chubby kids and adults, but so charismatic and grandiose that I sometimes thought we were the only two who would put up with listening to each others wild ideas and ridiculous banter. We would smoke joints and take adderall and talk about everything and anything. I miss the safety and closeness I felt with him. We were always 100% platonic, but we could nap together, I could walk into his house and jump on him in bed and wake him up. Then we would cook ourselves a breakfast feast and hit the beach. He taught me to always take the back roads. I gave him advice on the ladies. He taught me about fixing cars. I helped shave his back. He called his new pick up truck, a pick'um up truck. We could wax philosophical all damn day and not get sick of each other.

It wasnt just driving he loved, it was going fast. Like so many young white men, he had tendency to be a little reckless. The universe gave him a pass only so many times.

I'll never forget when he got his motorcycle. It was the last time I saw him. It was a bright green crotch rocket. He loved lime green. I was doing yoga in the living room when I heard this obnoxious engine rev down my street. I asked myself, who the hell is making this noise?! And it was James, grinning from ear to ear with a matching helmet on his shiny new toy.

before he left I said, 'you die on that thing, I'll bring you back to life and kill you." I remember giving him this very long and intentional hug and not knowing why I felt compelled to hang on.

When he left and hopped back on the bike, I felt compelled again and took a video of him riding away from my driveway until he was entirely out of sight.

That's my very last memory of him alive. James Padden died on Thanksgiving five days after his 25th birthday. He went out for a joyride on his bike before dinner, opened up to 100mph around a curve where he couldn't see a car pulling out around the bend in time. They called a medevac, but he died on scene. I loved James dearly and I regret drifting apart after we both left Wawa and I started a new relationship. He had stuff too, but in hindsight it never seems important.

Then there's JB. I will always remember JB for his kindness and generosity. The very first time I finally worked up the nerve to go to a poetry slam, I was alone and terrified. I had no idea what to expect. JB was the very first person to turn around, introduce himself, and welcome me. He made me feel like I belonged. Years later, when I won the title of Grand Slam Champion, he immediately offered to help coach me for national competition. Except, I didn't see the messages and left them unanswered, which I deeply regret. When I started hosting my own open mic a few years after that, JB would be one of the only people to consistently come support the show both as an audience member and participant. It was at a pizza joint and he would sometimes buy me food when I had no money. He wrote beautiful poems about his two young daughters and how much they inspired him. JB always tried to make people laugh but you could tell he carried a sadness. I did not get details, but from what I have gathered he made a choice to end his life. I wish I would have gotten closer to him and appreciated him more as a friend and person. I wonder if he felt no one cared about him and I feel like I should've let him know more.

Which brings us to Crys. Crystopher Anthony Diaz was a Scorpio with a big heart and a big personality. I met him on Myspace back in the day and started Web camming. We became friends and eventually fell into this gray area of friends, together, but not. It wasn't long before I was spending days at his place, killing hours at a time downloading music, making Wawa runs, and smoking weed with his roommate at the time, Syd. You know, the whole reason I worked at Wawa was Crys suggesting it. And Wawa is the reason I met James. Crys was unlike anyone I'd ever met. He was poetic and artistic and loved animals, especially pit bulls. He loved to draw and write and had this very out loud style that favored Earth tones. He taught me about fashion and insisted on getting dressed even if it was 1am and we were just going to Wawa because you never know who you might see. We would buy new clothes at Walmart and have photo shoots. That boy drank his weight in coffee daily. If it's one thing I'll always remember him for, it's the dancing. Dancing was a passion of his and always used to talk about wanting to form a dance crew. Eventually, we ended up living together for four years. My first apartment was with him in this piece of shit duplex rented to us by a slumlord in Keansburg,NJ. My relationship with him was always defined by our Aries/Scorpio dynamic and he never let me forget it. His birthday was October 30th, mischief night. One time, after we had moved into a new place, we decided to get revenge on our old downstairs neighbor by taking a finished lobster carcass and throwing it on his lawn. . . . . . . Keansburg had a terrible stray cat problem. 😁

I have so many memories with Crystopher. Unfortunately, towards the end of our relationship things became too tumultuous. We had too much unresolved baggage and trauma to find a healthy place emotionally together. We were so financially strained for a time we hardly ate. And then when he met his new girlfriend Laura, she introduced him to her good friend, Roxy. As in Roxcicet. aka Blues. Neither of us knew what that even was at the time. But he sure learned quick. He started using them pretty frequently as time went on, and things only got more complicated. My mental health took a nose dive. By the time I moved out our relationship was trash. I basically left. At the time, I didnt have a choice. things had gotten so bad between us, the money, the using . . . we didn't act like friends anymore.

I saw him a couple times at his new place but that was years ago. Since then, he went through a lot, including homelessness and more struggles with addiction to opiates. He reached out to me and sent me a message apologizing for everything a couple years back. I never responded. I was afraid I would let him back into my life and let the all the problems back in. I didnt trust where he was at in his life. We lost touch and stopped speaking.

His ex, who used to live with us and became my friend, messaged me and told me he died a few days ago. He was 35. I'm still waiting for information, but it may have been drug related. I'm not even sure where I'm at with how I feel. I know why we stopped talking. It was the right thing to do at the time. But he didnt deserve to die so young, having spent the last god knows how many months homeless. It's fucking with me so hard because we never resolved anything. I loved this person so fucking much and we never made peace. Of everyone I've lost, he was the closest to me. I've had a lot of people die on me but none that I lived with and shared a life with. I have more memories with him than I can handle and while I know we hadn't spoken in years and why, I still wish I would've said something. Done something. Yes, i needed healthy boundaries but he needed somebody. when is being firm too firm? If we would've helped, could it have been different? But we didn't want to help at the time, you try to be tough and draw a line. Be firm. Not let yourself be taken advantage of. But is that a defense? Did that defensiveness leave a human being who's head i used to scratch until he fell asleep out in the cold to get sicker and die?

What am I supposed to learn from all this Universe? Why do you take my friends so young and so tragically? I'm only 35, I'm too young to have this much loss.

Because these are just the major players I've lost. It doesnt include my cousin Jared, who died being reckless on a motorcycle at 21 two years ago. I was 15 when he was born. I loved that baby, he used to bite my nose. But his family lived far, so I rarely saw him growing up. Last time I saw him was at my grandfather's funeral. He didn't remember me and the nose biting.

And then there's Marcos who we used to chill with. He worked delivery for our favorite chinese food place. He was a nice kid who lived with his grandparents. We would get food, smoke weed, hang out a little. Even used to buy it off him for a while. Eventually he got into the opiates too, he even wound up being good friends with Crys and being Blue buddies. But eventually Marcos died from an opiate overdose. He was in his mid twenties.

I didnt want to include Ricky because he was more of an acquaintance for me, he was more my partners childhood friend. But god damn, in the time I knew Ricky that kid was a riot. He was loud and funny and definitely marched to the beat of his own drum. Drugs took him too.

Thanks for reading all this if you've made it this far. It's taken me about two hours to type this out on my phone. but i needed to. Thanks for coming to my TedTalk