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takerfoxx · 4 years

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In response to JK Rowling and Joss Whedon, my (former) idols

I really didn’t want to have to do this.

So in addition to…=gestures vaguely=…all of that, the last few months have been kind of sucky when it comes to learning some really unpleasant things about artists that I looked up to, admired, and was in fact inspired by. I’ve already spoken about the Speaking Out movement revealing a lot of ugly behavior from various wrestlers, some of which I was big fans of, and then later we got Chris Jericho being a full-on MAGA. Yeah, that all sucked. But those were just performers whose work I enjoyed watching. The one that really hurt were writers who I deeply admired, whose stories I love, and who I was heavily influenced by.

The first, of course, was finding out that JK Rowling, the author of perhaps the single biggest YA fantasy series of all time Harry Potter, is a TERF. This really sucked for a number of reasons. Firstly, I really like Harry Potter! I mean, I’m not a super fan or anything. I came into it when things were kind of dying down, like the whole book series had already been released and there were only a few movies left, but I still really enjoyed it, have all the books and movies and a fair amount of merchandise swag, including a nifty wand I got at Universal Studios. Shit, I got two replicas of the Sword of Griffyindor, thanks to them screwing up my order in my favor and sending me a duplicate! They’re on my wall right across from me as I type this!

But in addition to writing a book series I really liked, JK Rowling was supposed to be one the good guys. She’s been vocally progressive, often openly comes down on British right-wing nonsense, has supported various persecuted minorities, and is on record as being one of the few self-made billionaires to actually stop being a billionaire for a time because she donated so much money to charity. And while we mock it now, her revealing Dumbledore as gay was a huge deal at the time. Plus, she cultivated this reputation as Auntie Jo, that cool, supportive aunt we all wanted.

But for a while her stock has been dropping. Her preference for confirming “representation” via tweets instead of explicitly putting it in the text of her stories has raised the question of queer-baiting, especially with a whole-ass movie with a young Dumbledore and Grindelwald to make their relationship explicit but failing to do so. The whole Nagini thing from the latest Fantastic Beasts movie was pretty gross. And re-examination of various problematic elements from the original novels has rubbed a lot of people the wrong way. Now, none of these really looked to be intentionally malicious, of course. Just about everyone’s early work will have problematic elements; that’s just how people work. And the later stuff smacked more of ignorance than anything. But after all this time, it’s like, c’mon. You should know better by now.

But the biggie came when her transphobic views finally came to light. Now, this one had been brewing for a while, due to some questionable likes and statements on her twitter. But then she decided to just go public and published what essentially amounts to a TERF manifesto, one with a very “love the sinner, hate the sin” condescending attitude and had a real persecution complex air to it.

Now, I’m not going to go into detail about what the manifesto was about, what the circumstances surrounding it were, or how wrong it was. It’s already been raked over the coals, dissected, answered, and debunked in detail by people far more qualified than me, so odds are, you��re already well aware of its contents and the subsequent rebuttals. But the gist of it comes down to her basically believing that transwomen are actually cis men claiming to be trans so as to infiltrate and invade female-only spaces.

Yeah.

Okay, that’s gross, but…why? Why is someone so noted for being progressive and wanting to foster an inclusive environment making this the hill of exclusion that she wants to die on?

Well, that’s where things get tricky. She mentions that prior to Harry Potter, her first marriage was highly physically and sexually abusive, and when she escaped from that, she had no place to go, leading her to be homeless for a time.

Oh.

Well, that makes sense. Someone goes through a highly traumatic experience with a member of the opposite sex, has no support structure when she escapes it, is left to fend for herself, only to suddenly get rocketed into fame, fortune, and influence, which in turn leads to a Never Again mentality. She was hurt, no one was there to help her, and now she’s afraid of men invading women-only spaces to victimize others like she was victimized. So…literally transphobic. Literally a Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminist.

Guys, this is so fucked up. Like, how do you even approach something like this? She’s a victim in every sense of the word, so of course she’s going to have physiological damage and a warped view of things. I mean, if I found out that a close friend of mine went through the same thing and had the same prejudices, I would be nothing but sympathetic! I mean, I’d still do what I can to convince her to overcome those prejudices, but I’d still show sympathy and support for what she went through.

Abuse warps people. There’s a reason why so many abusers are abuse survivors themselves. It makes you terrified of being hurt again and often causes people to adopt toxic behaviors, beliefs, and reactions to protect themselves. I’ve already talked about it at length while discussing She-Ra and its own handling of the cycle of abuse, which included franks discussions of Catra’s horrible behavior, why she was the way she was, while never losing sympathy for her and rooting for her to overcome it. So if JK Rowling is an abuse survivor, is it really right to come down on her for having warped views because of that abuse?

But that’s the problem. See, she isn’t your troubled friend that you’re trying to help. She isn’t your cousin Leslie who’s a really sweet person but unfortunately adopted some bad ideals due to trauma suffered. She JK freakin’ ROWLING, one of the most famous, wealthy, and influential women in the world. She has a platform of millions, if not billions, which means her voice lends credibility to her bigoted beliefs. Alt-righters and other TERFs have already swooped upon this for giving validation to their awful beliefs, which puts trans people even more at risk. And as horrible as Rowling’s experiences might have been, the trans community is often the victim of far worse, and they don’t have a mountain of money and an army of defenders to protect them like she does. I’ve said it time and time again: just because you’re a victim, that doesn’t give you the right to victimize others! And bringing things back to Catra, as much as I loved her redemption in the final season, she was still a TERRIBLE PERSON for a huge chunk of the show, one that needed to be stood up to and stopped.

So yeah. That’s the messiness that is JK Rowling.

Now, let’s talk about the one that really hurts. Let’s talk about Joss Whedon.

I’ve made no secret of what a huge Whedon fan I am. Unlike Rowling, I was a HUUUUUGE superfan. Seeing Serenity for the first time in theaters was akin to a religious awakening to me as a storyteller, making it one of my top three movies of all time. Firefly is my favorite show ever. And I adored Buffy, Angel, and Dollhouse as well. I love Cabin in the Woods and The Avengers. The very first fanfic I ever wrote was a Firefly fanfic that disappeared along with my old laptop. I know his style isn’t for everyone, but I cannot understate how much of a personal inspiration he is to me as a writer.

And like Rowling, Joss was supposed to be one of the good guys! Buffy was monumental in pushing the needle when it came to female empowerment. Will and Tara were groundbreaking as a gay couple. He’s been outspoken for years about his feminist views and beliefs and was seen as one of the most prominent and influential feminist voices in Hollywood!

And then things started to go bad.

One day he was on top of the world, the mastermind behind the first two Avenger movies. And the next, it seemed like he was in freefall. It’s hard to really pinpoint exactly when the change took place. Some would say him being brought in as a last-minute substitute for Zack Snyder to take over on Justice League after Snyder had to leave due to family tragedy, and the subsequent awful critical reception to that film tarnishing his image, even if those were very unique circumstances that couldn’t really be blamed on him. Others might point to Age of Ultron’s less than stellar reception, as well as criticism of some questionable jokes and certain creative decisions regarding the character of Black Widow, which then led to a more critical examination of how Whedon continues to write female characters, as while his work might have been revolutionary in the 90’s, his failure to evolve with the times had meant that many of his portrayals are now woefully outdated and problematic, with his vision for a Batgirl movie getting hit with a lot of backlash as a result.

Again, I’m not going to go into too much detail, as this is all public knowledge and can be easily looked up, but overall it seemed that Whedon entered into a period where he was getting criticized more than he was celebrated, and his image of a guaranteed hit maker was now in doubt.

But all of this wasn’t the big problem. All creators go through rises and slumps, and everyone hits points where they get hit with a barrage of criticism; that’s just part of being a public creative figure, especially a progressive one. And had nothing happened after, it would have probably faded, got forgotten, and Whedon would have moved onto the next project with no fuss.

But as it turned out, it wasn’t just a minor slump in his career. Instead, it was the priming of the pump.

In 2016, Whedon divorced his wife of sixteen years, Kai Cole, and in an open letter, Kai Cole accused him of being a serial cheater, who would have affairs with a great many women, from co-workers, to actresses, to friends, to even his fans. And in addition to raising questions of him possibly abusing his position as showrunner to elicit sex from those working on his projects, there also is the ugly question of how could someone who speaks so highly of women then go and backstab the person who was supposed to be the most important woman in his life, as well as lying to her and denying her the autonomy of deciding whether or not she even wanted to continue to have a relationship with him?

Furthermore, Whedon himself has not explicitly denied these accusations, and comments made by him seem only to confirm them.

Now if you’ll recall, I reacted publicly to this news, and despite my admiration of Whedon’s work, I came down on Kai Cole’s side, and stated that while things like marriage issues and infidelity were no one’s business but that of the couple’s, it did raise a lot of uncomfortable questions about how Whedon treated the women in his life and he really needed to get his shit in order.

But hey, a messy private life and a guy falling into temptation isn’t that big of a deal, right? Plenty of creators also go through multiple marriages and have problems staying faithful and still continue making great art. We’re all human, it’s a stressful job, and this shit just happens, right? Sure, it’s gross and a shitty thing to do, but ain’t no business of ours, right?

In late 2020, actor Ray Fisher, who played the role of Cyborg in Justice League, openly accused Joss Whedon of fostering a hostile work environment, claiming that the director’s behavior was abusive and unprofessional, and that Whedon in turn was protected by DC executives.

DC and Warner Bros. came down against Fisher, claiming they had done an internal investigation that turned up no evidence of wrongdoing (yeah, sure they did), and soon Fisher was out as Cyborg, apparently for rocking the boat.

But then Charisma Carpenter, noted for her important role as Cordelia Chase in both Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, then spoke up, claiming to be inspired by Fisher in doing so. She described Whedon did indeed foster a hostile work environment on his projects, that his often acted in a toxic manner, from asking incredibly invasive and inappropriate questions regarding her pregnancy to insulting her on set. She said that she made excuses for him for years, but after undergoing a lot of therapy and reading what Ray Fisher had to say, she felt compelled to speak out.

And this just open the floodgates. Other actors and actresses also came forward, some with stories of their own, others to offer support. Even Buffy herself, Sarah Michelle Gellar, confirmed Carpenter’s stories and said that she no longer wanted to be associated with Whedon. Michelle Trachtenberg, who played the character of Dawn, stated that she also experienced toxic treatment from Whedon despite her being a minor at the time, and says that the set had a rule that Whedon wasn’t allowed to be alone with her again, which really raises some sickening questions of what happened the first time. Even male stars have spoken out, from words of support and apologies for not speaking up earlier from Anthony Stewart Head and David Boreanaz, to an earlier interview with James Marsters, in which he described being terrified of Whedon, mainly due to an instance when Whedon was frustrated with the popularity of Marsters’s character of Spike messing with his plans and physically and verbally taking it out on the actor. There have been many corroborating stories of Whedon being casually cruel on set, on seemingly taking delight in making his fellow show writers cry, and even the man himself admitting to enjoying fostering a hostile work environment during his director commentary of the Avengers. We’ve joked about Whedon’s supposed sadism for years, but that was in regards to how he treated the characters in his stories, not the people helping him make them!

So yeah. That’s the problem with Joss Whedon.

So, do I think that Joss Whedon is somehow some kind of sociopath who lied about his feminist principles and deliberately put on a progressive façade specifically to get into a position of power so he could torment people? No, of course not. I think he was sincere about his beliefs, and I do think he didn’t realize the wrongness of his behavior. But that’s kind of the problem. See, it’s one thing to have kind of a trollishness to your nature, a sort of sadistic side. No one can help that. But when someone with that quality gets put into a position of power in which they are protected by both the higher-ups and their legions of fans, they are allowed to mistreat and continue to mistreat people. And by never suffering any consequences, that sort of toxic behavior becomes internalized, becomes a habit, becomes their moda operandi. And when you’re constantly getting praised as a creative genius and a wonderful feminist voice, any self-criticism just gets wiped away, and you think yourself above reproach, leading to what Joss Whedon became and went on being.

And you know what scares me the most about this particular issue? It’s not that I am a fan of his stories. It’s that I can so easily see myself turning out the same way.

Look, I’ll be upfront about it: I’m kind of a sadist myself. You’ve seen it in my stories, you’ve seen me gloating after a particularly dark plot twist makes my readers freak out. That sort of stuff is fun to me. There’s a reason why I have a much easier time in the dark and violent scenes, because I’m channeling something ugly within me. We all have a dark side, and this is mine.

But UNLIKE Whedon, that doesn’t carry over to how I treat people in real life (unless Monopoly or Mario Party are involved, then it’s fair game). Maybe it’s because I wasn’t given the sort of power and praise he did so early, and I was always taught to be considerate of other people’s feelings, but if I ever find out that I hurt another person or went too fair, I feel TERRIBLE, and it just throws me off all day until I apologize. Even if I don’t notice right away that what I said or did wasn’t cool (autistic, remember?), when it’s pointed out to me and I have some time to think on it, yeah, the guilt is on and I make a point to apologize to whoever I’ve hurt. I’ve even made a point to apologize to members of my family for inconsiderate stuff I said years ago as a little punk kid because it wouldn’t stop bugging me.

So maybe Whedon got too big, too fast. Maybe putting people on these sorts of pedestals, especially progressive ones, is ultimately a bad thing.

So where does this leave us? How are we to treat JK Rowling and Joss Whedon, one who developed a lot of transphobia due to abuse suffered while the other became a toxic individual due to unchecked control and a lack of consequences? Can we still enjoy their stories despite them now being colored by their creators’ falls from grace? Can we separate the art from the artist, or do we have to do a clean split?

Honestly, I feel that has to come down to the individual. I can’t remove the influence Rowling and Whedon have had on me as a storyteller, and I still highly respect both of their talents despite taking major issue with their problems as people. And I’m not going go throw away all of my Harry Potter or Firefly stuff. Because that’s my stuff. It has value to me, it doesn’t represent the issues with their creators, and a lot of it was gifts from people who are dear to me. Though I do think it’ll be a long time before I return to either of their work, as I just don’t have the stomach for it now.

But I will be avoiding any projects they have in the future. I don’t want to put money in their pockets that might go on to support their toxic beliefs or behavior. And as for royalties for their past work that would also support the cast and crew of the Harry Potter films or those who worked on Whedon’s shows who do not deserve to lose money because we don’t want any of that money going to the creators? Er, that question is a little above my paygrade. I don’t know. You’ll have to all decide for yourselves. As for me, I still have a lot of thinking to do.

Regardless though, if I or anyone else is still able to enjoy their work, then it’s important to not divorce what these people said or did from the art they created, even if it makes enjoying that art less fun. It’s important to be critical about what we enjoy, to acknowledge the bad aspects along with the good, and open up discussion of those elements, because that’s what mature adults are supposed to do.

And as for JK Rowling and Joss Whedon, whose stories I love, whose talent I admire, and whose past good work I’ll happily acknowledge, I do hope they both experience some sort of realization and enter into a period of self-examination that leads to them getting help for their issues, for Rowling to get help in coming to terms with her trauma and realizing that she’s wrong about the trans community and a full apology, and for Whedon to also come to terms with his toxic behavior and how he treats people, for him to make no excuse for what he did and sincerely apologize to those he hurt and work on bettering himself, as well as them both examining some of the more problematic tropes still present in their works. Because despite everything, I do feel that they can still be a creative force of good, and it would be a shame if they let themselves self-destruct.

But if not, then if it comes down to choosing between Rowling and the protecting the trans community, if it comes down between choosing between letting Whedon continue to make shows and protecting actors and writers from his abusive behavior, then I know who I’m siding with, and it ain’t the two individuals this whole essay is about. No story, no matter how good, no matter how creative, is worth letting sacrificing vulnerable people in order for it to be made.

#jk rowling #joss whedon #harry potter #Buffy The Vampire Slayer #angel #firefly #justice league #ray fisher #charisma carpenter #kai cole #transphobia tw #abuse tw #toxicity tw #TERF tw #rant #TERFs don't interact I do not want to talk to you #same for abuse apologists

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insightanonynous · 3 years

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self-made manhood etc

i was thinking on the bus, about a thing said to me earlier when talking about my identity. when stating i am a trans man but not in the way a cis man would be a man, so in a non-binary way my friend remarked “i see that a lot with non-white trans people” and it made me think.

i will never experience white or white-cis manhood. that will never be my experience. i must experience almost a self-made manhood bc i will never have what my cis counterparts have. to be non-white and a gay man regardless of gender is already non-conformist, it is already something that is its own manhood. men are not a monolith but these particular experiences make manhood so intersectional. manhood is not one thing but white manhood is the norm such as non-white manhood is exclusionary of queer men. but this is not the case with white manhood. white gay men, even trans white gay men, are welcome in white manhood. queer non-white men must make our our manhood. maybe this has something to do with how we leave our womanhood.

i am aware as a man of mixed-race my experience is a unique and more privileged (in its own intersectional way) one but never-the-less it is not a white experience. white womanhood never accepted me with open arms, it was never a haven but a malicious pit that never welcomed me, i have never been a white woman. to have considered myself a white woman would have been to be constantly rejected and belittled and to cut myself into a standard i was not born to fit and i would never fit. i had no white womanhood to leave behind.

i think when leaving white womanhood behind white trans men leave a lot of toxicity, a lot of maliciousness and T.E.R.F feminism. its a hard push away from this, a sting of rejection but mostly they are accepted by white manhood. or at least white/mainstream queerness.

non-white womanhood is very different. in traditional spaces it is a high standard but that is not what i will be talking about. i am talking about the non-white womanhood that is an act of activism in itself, existing in that space is a radical action, intentionally or not. and it feels bold and it feels comforting. it is a pull not a push. so leaving this womanhood felt almost like a betrayal. i was existing as something almost radical and now i have to find space to exist in still a radical way but to leave that womanhood behind. there is a different type of TERFism in that space. it is the pull to keep your womanhood despite not being a woman, to stay connected to that womanhood despite the discomfort and the dysphoria and its a harder disconnect. its harder to leave.

non-white queer men have a far more intersectional experience than white trans men. white men are a monolith in so many respects and there will never be space for others. my transness is affected by my other identities and white trans people will never understand what its like to let go any form of non-white womanhood. i am non-binary in the way that i am non-white.

a side-conclusion may also be that white TERFism is far more dangerous than non-white TERFism will ever be because it is inherently exclusion based than inclusion based.

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werevulvi · 4 years

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This is a very long, ranty post that's only lightly edited. It's about me deciding to basically leave radfem, so I wanted to be thorough about explaining how and why. And this is mainly because my blog ended up existing in a radblr bubble, deemed as hostile by other ideologies/groups of people, and I need to break out of that bubble, because I feel trapped in it. I'm not sure how, as I may have to start over with a new blog entirely, but I'd hope to avoid that if at all possible (my blog is my baby.) So I'm thinking that making this kinda post is a good start in trying to change how my blog vibes and what kinda blogs I can interact with in a non-debate kinda sense. Basically, damage control.

A while ago, I made some post about how I wanted to move away from the worst rudefem stuff of radfem, for the sake of my mental health. Well, I've now hit a point of wanting to take further steps away from radfem, pretty much altogether. The main reason for this is that there's still too much focus on ragging on trans women, and trans people in general. It's suffocating me, because I'm not all that detrans and I'm not anti-male. I miss connecting with other trans people, and I miss being part of that community. Truth is I've become really fucking hateful towards my own kind and I've been in denial of it. This has been carving a hole in my heart that my radfem views have carved even deeper, and it has led me to become a quite lost soul.

Do I hate trans women? No, but I clearly act as if I do, and I don't feel comfortable with my own actions and thoughts towards/about them anymore. Are some of them cumbrains fetishising my oppression (misogyny) and/or predators? Yes, undoubtedly. But I am not a collectivist and I can't view all trans women like that. Nor does it sit right with me to treat them all as potential predators. I care about trans women in general, ultimately because I am trans too and their struggles reflect my own. I cannot shit on them without shitting on myself. But it's not just about me. I feel empathy for them, and I want to extend kindness and care towards them. I cannot with any goodness in my heart view them as men. Males, yes, but not men. More on that diffentiation later in this post.

I do not want to politisise their gender identities as women, because I don't want my own gender politisised, regardless if that is man, woman, or otherwise. (More on that later too.) I don't want to trap them in the category of "man" because I do not want to be trapped in the category of "woman" as if our transitions and gender incongruence meant nothing at all. Do our transitions change bio sex? No, and I'm not arguing that. I'm saying transition changes SOMETHING and that that something matters. And in a lot of contexts, it even matters more than bio sex.

But isn't that just an emotional argument, like boohoo, my/their feefees? YES, it's an emotional argument. But you know what: I believe that feelings matter, about as equally much as facts and logic matters. An argument being emotional does not make it necessarily useless or invalid. Grave robbery and necrophilia is illegal due to purely emotional arguments. Perhaps think about if that's useless.

I care about trans women's feelings and comfort, not just their rights, and I care about men's feelings and comfort too, because I do not think individual males' oppression being patriarchy's fault even remotely means that "men cause their own problems" because one male suffering at the hands of other men (patriarchy) is NOT his own fault. And him reaching out to women for help when other men fail him AGAIN shouldn't be hard to understand. Of course it's optional to help him or not then, but I feel like it is truly heartless not to, unless he is some kinda raging misogynist. I see that kinda vibe a lot in radfem circles and it honestly churns my stomach. That kinda man-hating is to me absolutely repugnant. You do you, but I will not support it.

Why do I care about males? Because they're human. They're the same species as me, and I care about them as one human to another. Because I don't believe there's any difference between males and females beyond the physical biology stuff. Socialisation varies from person to person. I've always been a person of principles, so I can't sit around and say I only care about fellow females and all females, because no one choses to be born female - and then in the same breath hate males for essentially having been born male, which they also did not choose. If I had been born male, I'd probably hate radfem, and that says something. It's very fucking lopsided, and barely even to my favour.

And I've been asking myself that a lot lately: Is radfem even to my (a bio female's) favour - or is it only the the favour of some kinda statistic average of a general female who doesn't even exist? I dunno, but it's an important question to ask.

This is getting ranty already, but hey I'm trying.

Trans women and males aside, radfem often has a kinda negative view of trans men (and any variety of dysphoric females) that I've always felt iffy about, but first thought I had been mistaken about. It seemed for a long while that radfem is totally supportive of transmascs/dysphoric females, but..... upon closer look, it appears a little bit rotten, sorry to say. Because lately I've come to realise maybe I was kinda right from the start that radfem really is not as supportive of transmascs/dysphoric females as it claims to be. This is probably not intentionally unsupportive, I'm aware, but some of the things that really stand out to me like sore thumbs:

1.) The idea that if gender abolishion happened, no one would be dysphoric or wish to transition medically, is frankly incredibly unfounded. Do you have ANY evidence for that dysphoria is ENTIRELY social, because I've yet to see any reliable study on this. As far as I'm concerned this is just a theory based on essentially the exclusion method that all the biology-based theories are incomplete. So this strong assertion that a genderless society would have no trans people (with sex dysphoria only) gives me this unsettling vibe that radfem is not at all supportive of transition, but would prooobably prefer it if no one was trans - even in a world where gender is abolished and transitioned females are masculine women who just like looking like males, and transitioned males are feminine men who just like looking like females, and I dunno dysphoric nonbinary people would just be men and women who transition in a variety of atypical ways.

Which was always what I envisioned. That no one would be FORCED to be feminine or masculine or anything, because of their sex - NOT that trans people would be forced or expected to accept their physical sex characteristics. Because I don't know about you, but I've personally never based my sex dysphoria on that it's too hard to live as a masculine woman, and I've met tons of other trans people who feel the same way about that. It's a myth about dysphoric trans people, and I think perpetuating it does more harm than good.

Feminism, gender abolishion, etc, probably can't cure anyone's sex dysphoria. And even just striving towards that is a little iffy. How about leave it up to the dysphorics if we wanna be cured? Because I bet most radfems would not wanna enforce a cure for autism if that became a thing, or strive towards curing the world of autism. So why do it with sex/gender dysphoria? Point is I'm just noticing these uncomfortable, kinda hidden anti-trans sentiments behind the gender abolishion idea. I'm FOR gender abolishion, but only if transition would still be available in such a future. But I'm sensing that's not what radfem is actually about, and I've been properly fucking fooled. If so... fuck you for that.

2.) Some of you operate on the false assumption that trans people never pass as the opposite sex. This level of intellectual dishonesty is skewing radfem certain arguments really badly, and makes them appear poorly thought-out at best, and impossible to implement in real life at worst.

3.) The idea that sex segregated spaces can be upheld in a world where some people pass as the opposite sex, is frankly ludicrous to me, if you think of how it would actually pan out in practice. If women's spaces became only ever available for bio women, and males spaces only available for bio men, I'd be banned from both, due to my own transition. (And why the flying fuck would I promote that? I'm not insane.) Because there is no way I can prove that my sex is female, most people do not even believe that my sex is female when I tell them, and I already get tossed out from women's spaces due to that I just look like a man.

People's failure to believe I'm THAT passable irl, is about as frustrating as people's failure to believe I'm actually female, and both those people's arguments on where I "should" go is entirely useless garbage. This doesn't only affect me, but a lot of trans people out there in the world. And then I'm probably more accommodating to this kinda drama, than what most trans people would even be willing to pretend to put up with. I am your faithful lapdog, yet I still get my teeth kicked in for being annoying. To which I have to ask myself: is this kinda martyrdom really worth it? Other trans people often see me as self-hating for being a radfem, and I'm sadly starting to see why.

And to then claim I could just use gender neutral spaces is frankly robbing me of MY female rights. To treat me as a threat to other women is very uncalled for, and yes... misogynistic. And to assume that male-passing females would be welcome in women's spaces in such a world is frankly laughable. Masculine women who have not even touched a vial of testosterone in their lives already have trouble being allowed in women only spaces that have harder rules on "no trans women allowed." This is anti-trans in a way which I cannot support.

If I am to be barred from women's spaces (which I am) because I look like a man, then I WILL use men's spaces. Because I refuse to be dehumanised and stuffed into a "trans toilet/locker room" for other people's convenience. The majority's comfort does NOT get to override my personal comfort. Especially considering men (in general) are not actually uncomfortable with my presense in their spaces, because I look like I belong there. So there is not even any damn argument to be made against me using male only space. This is not because of me wanting some kinda validation for how much of a "man" I "identify" as or whatever. This is about me not wanting to be dehumanised for my medical condition or for how I choose to treat it. Because yes, barring me from both men's and women's spaces does feel a lot like considering me sub-human, because my physical body is frightening, unsettling, gross, or otherwise inconvenient for "normal" men and women to be subjected to. Fuck that noise. I am just as much human and I deserve the same level of basic respect, and that should not be asking for too much. I will not sink below that bar. That's like telling a disabled person that they "have to" use the disabled space because their amputation (or whatever is their ailment) freaks people out, even if they're capable of using the regular men's/women's space despite their condition. So, I'd say barring trans people from both men's and women's spaces is actually rather ableist.

So how do I think that issue should be solved then? Honestly I do not have a solution. So I'd say skip the sex segregation of stuff like bathrooms and locker rooms completely (but keep it for stuff like sports and rape relief shelters) and let trans people themselves figure out which space suits them best, and only intervene in cases when they make a really poor judgement. The only other option would be allowing ALL females in women's spaces (yes, including fully passing trans men) and vice versa all males into men's spaces, but I'm extremely worried about how exactly passing trans people would be expected to go about proving they're going to the right spaces. So I'd say don't do shit until we have found a better (actually better) solution.

Because I can't sit here and say that trans women should never use the women's locker rooms, while I go showering butt naked in the men's locker room. That would be a very hypocritical double standard. Yes, I think passable and/or post-op trans women can and should be allowed to use women only spaces. Based on that I think passable and/or post-op trans men can and should be allowed to use men only spaces, but I do not think that is a perfect or ideal solution.

3.) There's just in general a lot of negativity towards medical transition and how trans people look; our desires, hopes, goals and our dysphoria. This feeds my self-hatred like fuck. Yeah I'd consider myself a rather strong person in general, but I'm not made of concrete, and I think radfem and gender critical thought has broken me down a lot, which took me a while to notice. I don't even know if the real reason I'm calling myself a woman nowadays is because my dream of being a man in ANY sorta sense (be it fantasy or reality) has become completely crushed. Yet I'm unable to truly be okay with being a woman.

Yes, I truly love my pussy, I'm fine with my reproductive ability (producing ova, chance at pregnancy) and in general I like that I started off on a female ground. I love that I have small hands and feet, and a relatively small frame. I really like my height, that I'm not very tall, but do tower most other females. So there's a lot I like about being bio female, and it's mostly things I can't change about my physique anyway. As for my curves, I seem to sometimes like it and sometimes not. I'm also okay with having cellulites and stretch marks. But what I'm NOT fine with about being female is being driven by estrogen, my body's natural gravitation and persistense towards re-feminising itself as soon as I went off of testosterone, having breasts, having less muscle mass than males, having a higher voice, having little to no body/facial hair, etc. I am not fine with being recognised as a woman, or having most female secondary sex characteristics, or lacking male secondary sex characteristics.

This does make me feel like although I'm actually fine with simply being bio female, I'm only fine with it on the condition that I get to look/sound/appear as close to male as medically possible. And does that make me a man in the bio male sorta sense? No, obviously not, but I'm starting to ask myself: Why the FUCK does it matter so goddamn much?! I am sick and tired of being a political pawn no matter where I go. I just wanna live my life.

And radfem discourse (as well as TRA discourse) is so goddamn far from real life it's honestly pathetic and destructive. Most people really don't give a fuck if I'm male or female, or if I have a dick or pussy. It's only really relevant for my doctors and my sex partners. But outside of those very specific contexts, I do like being open about my bio sex, because it just makes it easier to be open about my life, and I feel like that's a good reason to be open about it. However, being open about it solely because some people on the internet think people's bio sex is absolutely crucial info (outside of the context of sex/dating and docs) does not feel good.

I shouldn't feel pressured to be so open about myself, just to not feel guilty for how I choose to treat my dysphoria. I should not have to feel this guilty.

I think my opinions on gender are actually unhealthy for me. I understand more and more that people's opinions on gender are largely just based on their own personal experiences with whatever trans people they've stumbled across. There is no objective facts on what gender is and what it is not. If it's an internal identity or just social roles and clothing. If it's somewhat biological or entirely socially constructed. I feel like I've been arguing bullshit semantics that don't even hold water. I'm not saying that bio sex is changable or a spectrum or completely unimportant, or anything like that. When I say gender I don't mean biological sex.

I'm not saying that I'm not biogically female. I'm saying that just because I'm a female, doesn't mean I cannot also be a man - under, not another, but just slightly looser definition of man which is still connected to physical maleness - in contexts where it simply does not, and should not, matter if I do not fit someone else's definition of what a man or woman is. Because maybe semantics are killing discourse more than it's killing real life issues like human rights. Just saying.

But I dunno what I want with my gender or my label. But I think my realisation that I need to scrap my views and values in regards to gender altogether, and rebuild them from scratch... might actually quite likely change my sense of my gendered self (again.) Because you know what? My gender identity seems very highly influenced by my opinions of gender as a whole, and not just by my dysphoria. If I go by just my dysphoria, I think I would consider myself a trans man, which is why I guess I never truly stopped considering that... but my opinions on gender as a whole (women's rights, female liberation, gender abolishion, trans stuff, bio sex, etc) intervene and conflict with that, and makes me wanna be both a woman and a trans man at the same time, which I can't. So I end up being pulled in two opposing directions.

It's just that up until recently my opinions on gender used to matter more to me than tending to my dysphoria. And now I've come to a point where I don't think I wanna have that sorta prioritisation anymore, because it's having real bad effect on my mental health.

And I need to get very real with myself and ask myself if this really is the life I want. Upon knowing that I'm not actually comfortable with my own opinions, and their affects on my mental health is not actually worth advocating for female liberation, which I already know by now. Then my next step is to take a step back and try to consume less media from any and all sides of the discourse, and listen to my intuition again. Hear myself out. This might take a while, and in the meantime I'm just gonna have to say that my stance on feminism, trans stuff, women's rights, etc, is "under construction."

And as for my goddamn gender label... I'm half okay with pretty much anything right now. Transmasc, woman, ftm, trans man, dysphoric female, masculine/gnc/male-passing woman, etc, is all fine. It's not really about how other people label me anyway. How I label myself is the only thing that truly matters to me in that regard. That it's with self-respect, love and care... and not for political reasons.

I think that's just the thing. That I need to stop doing shit I'm not comfortable with just for political reasons.

With that said, I also wanna briefly touch upon other aspects of radfem that I find myself either no longer agreeing with, or just no longer caring about.

The sex work industry: I know it's bad. But I no longer care and I still might wanna become a sex worker one day. At least I wanna try it. Because no I don't want for sex to be personal, private or hidden. I feel like that's just not how I wanna express my sexuality. And sex is the ONLY of my passions I can in any way imagine turning into a job. Because it's the only one of my passions I never get tired of, and also never truly get obsessed with either. Sorry if the sex industry hurt you personally, but I kinda fail to see how that's my problem, or my responsibility, or how it would seal my fate. I don't wanna live my life after other people's problems, and I cannot learn from other people's mistakes (for those who chose it but still got burned.)

Watching porn, engaging in bdsm, etc: After having tried for a couple of years to heal my broken sexuality and to enjoy vanilla sex, I'm frankly giving up. Some say I'd have to go celibate and work really hard on my trauma for it to have effect, which... honestly I'd rather eat a bullet than do that. I saw a sexologist once last summer and oooooh BOY did that go badly! She basically told me I'm just kinky and need to work on accepting myself. That hurt a lot, and made me give up extra hard on psychiatry again (like it was the last drop again) but it made me realise that there just isn't any help for me out there. And that I'm also not willing to do anything drastic to change it on my own.

That what I want is to have a sex life that I enjoy. So... I'll go back to what simply works for me: bdsm sex. That's not entirely without some reluctance and hesitation, and I do plan on going about it in safer ways than I previously did. Like for example only doing it with people I trust and know well, use safety words, etc, as a bare minimum. I'm learning everything I can about safer bdsm practices, well before actually diving into it. But thing is that I like such extreme "kinks" that it's never gonna be entirely safe, and.... I guess I can't be fucked to care anymore, and I'm tired of even just hearing about the preachings of how bad hardcore bdsm is. Like yeah, I know it's bad, now shut up now and leave me the fuck alone to live/ruin my own damn life.

And as for porn: I never quite quit it, just reduced it by a lot. Again, not denying the harms about it, just not caring enough to change my habits.

Conclusions and wrapping it up: Basically, I've always been a Trauma Queen and I just wanna be myself again. I don't think my former views (more egalitarian/equality based rather than female liberation, and neither individualist nor collectivist) were bad or wrong, but rather that how I implemented them into my life and disregarded danger which was bad. Bio sex matters, but I think gender matters too, and the world is what it is. I have to accept that if I'm gonna have the slightest chance of living a happy life. I can't force myself to live according to feminist ideals for the sake of women in general, when those ideals smother my flame.

I cannot claim that either of the things radfem stand against are all inherently bad. I cannot claim that transitioning shouldn't be a thing, even in a perfect world, because I wanna bring my testosterone with me everywhere I go. I cannot claim that there's any "one road fits all" to happiness for all people, or all women. I cannot be a hypocrite who only values female lives when male lives are at core equally valuable. That has nothing to do with pandering to men. All it means is that I want a world where men and women can live in peace together, and if that's not possible, then at least I wanna live my own life in peace with myself, making whichever decisions I see fit for myself, and surround myself with both men and women who are respectful and decent people. I do not want to try to force my life to fit an ultimately flawed ideology. And all ideologies are flawed.

I'm flawed. We all are, and that is okay. Yes, I wanna strive towards happiness and some health and safety, but not ultimate health or 100% secure safety. Health and safety should not come at the expense of fun and happiness, if at all possible. Because I still need some amount of danger to find enjoyment in things, and I think having fun and getting bitter lessons is more important, than being healthy and safe. I've always thought that. It might just even be a core value of mine, and it does conflict with radfem values. What matters to me in life is in conflict with radfem values. I need to learn moderation and to balance fun with health, happiness with safety, and transitioning with reality. But what I do not need is to wingclip myself because of what matters to other people.

Radfem has taught me a lot of good stuff, it has made me aware of a lot of shit I didn't wanna know, but now it's time to move on and leave it behind me.

Please note that I do not mean to demonise radfem as inherently bad, fearmongering, transphobic, etc. It still has a lot of good points that I agree with. And I may still likely reblog and interact with radfem posts that I do feel are good and/or interesting. I just don't wanna lock myself to radfem as an ideology anymore. I do not think radfem is the ultimate truth, and I do not think there even is ANY ultimate truth to such things as gender.

I'm saying that I declare myself no longer a radical feminist because I am no longer dedicated to the cause as a whole. Not that it's suddenly all bad.

I wanna spread my wings and just be my problematic, true self... this sex-crazed, kinky tranny who deep down loves being a transitioned female, but also don't want for any female to suffer oppression simply because of how they were born, but also sees trans women as "women enough", values male lives and their opinions, etc! Whatever else I might think and feel which I haven't figured out yet. Instead of a forcing myself to become a perfect pawn for completely sex-based feminism.

I may adopt some of my old TRA views back, as well as some of my old libfem views. I will not limit myself to only one school of thought, ANY one school of thought. Please remember that if you're thinking I'm gonna go back to be a TRA libfem entirely, because that is NOT the case. What I'm breaking out of is the tribalism and extremism of radfem: the radical part of feminism. Because ultimately, that radical part of feminism, what I've been describing (perhaps poorly) throughout this post, is what's become suffocating for me.

I need to find myself again, beyond EVERY ideology that's telling me how I should think, feel and live my life. I've had enough of that shit. I need to think and feel freely, and live my life for myself.

Thank you all for your patience with me.

#radfem #leaving radfem #some criticism but i do not hate you #re-evaluating myself and my values #not directed at anyone specific #not like id remember who said what anyway lol #this became more of a vent than i had anticipated #excruciatingly long post

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himbo-the-clown · 4 years

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I know you didnt write the post and while I agree that Anne Frank shouldnt have been talked in the way she is now, how can saying “Gay people were just as much victims as Jews” be antisemitic? LGBT people were rounded up and placed in concentration camps as well. For example, look up the meaning for the pink triangle, it was reserved ranking for gay men in these camps. Even when gay/trans people were liberated, they were placed in jail soon after because it was illegal in those times.

I’m going to try so very very hard to come at this response in a calm way under the assumption that you are trying to learn and aren’t intentionally being rude. It’s a very touchy subject for me given how often Jewish experiences with oppression are erased, so I’m sorry if anything I say comes off as angry or rude. I’m mad at the culture that taught you this misinformation, not at you for asking about it.

I have a few basic points to respond to this with, but first I need you to know that the perspective I’m coming at this from is as a queer Jew with a degree in Gender and Sexuality Studies. I’m gay, I’m Jewish, and I can tell you with 100% certainty that goyische gay people are not allowed to claim the holocaust the way Jewish people are.

1. During the Holocaust

Queer people were killed in the holocaust. They were sent to camps. They were arrested. However... the scale of deaths is incomparable. Here are some of the rough numbers we have for victims of the holocaust:

5,000,000 - 6,000,000 Jews

130,000 - 500,000 Romani

270,000 disabled people

80,000 - 200,000 Freemasons

5,000 - 15,000 gay people

Do you know who the Freemasons are? They’re a fratenal organisation. They’re a fraternity. They were killed because the Nazis claimed they were part of “the Jewish Conspiracy”. Many more Freemasons were killed than gay people, so where’s all your hype for including Freemasons in holocaust history and letting Freemasons claim victimhood in the holocaust? Or, perhaps, do you understand that 15,000 is a very different number than 6,000,000 or 500,000?

2. Intergenerational Trauma

Intergenerational trauma was specifically coined in response to Jewish trauma after the holocaust. Goyische gay people just don’t have that trauma. I have nightmares about digging my own grave, being forced into gas chambers, hiding in attics. The holocaust traumatised me. It’s traumatised my family, my friends, my community. Goyische gay people just don’t fucking have that. If you want a fraction of a glimpse of what that trauma is like, I wrote a poem about it on my writing blog. The holocaust is deeply ingrained in us in a way it just isn’t for goyische gays.

Jews have family we know people personally who were affected by it. Whose grandparents were refugees, whose families died, who were torn apart by it. This is our family history. We are all, in some way or another, related to a survivor or a victim. This isn’t some hypothetical history, this follows us. It defines us.

3. The Present Effects

Here’s the thing that rubbed me the wrong way about your message. The assumption that I don’t know holocaust history. That I don’t know about the pink triangle or any other part of the holocaust. Because you’re coming from a point of immense privilege as a goy. Do you know how young I was when I started learning about the holocaust? So young I don’t even remember it. I’ve known about it for my whole memorable life. As a Jew I’ve had to learn about it inside out, because it’s an ingrained part of my culture and my people now, as sad as that is. We don’t have the privilege of not knowing about the holocaust, of not learning about every single detail of the horrors committed then. Antisemitism has been around for as long as Jews have and if we don’t learn about it all, we’re not safe from the next time goyim decide to try genociding us again. And they always try again.

While Christian kids are off learning about how Santa comes to bring presents to good little children, Jewish kids are taught about how grandma and grandpa had to leave all their things behind and run through the woods of Poland for weeks only to get caught by the Nazis and made to work. And how they were the lucky ones because they lived. We have to learn about Great Aunt Golda starving to death in Gross-Rosen, about Great Uncle Joseph’s body being burned in Bergen-Belsen. Long before most queer people even know what gay means, we’re learning about our families dying. Can you see how that’s different? Can you see how differently it affects us?

The first time I realised being Jewish wasn’t the norm was when a kid told me the holocaust was our punishment for killing Jesus. I was in kindergarten. My first experience of a goy was being told my family deserved to die in the holocaust. I’ve been called Anne Frank, I’ve had people joke about gassing me, I’ve had people try to carve swastikas into me with a knife. And all of that happened long before I even knew what a gay person was let alone that I am one. Jewish and goyische gay experiences of the holocaust are not the same, not even close.

So yes, a gay goy saying that gay people were just as much victims as my people were is antisemitic. Because it shows a fundamental misunderstanding of the Jewish experience of the holocaust, an unwillingness to learn about Jewish oppression, and a complete and utter disregard for the Jewish people and our struggles. Because if you’d spent even a fraction of the time it took you to learn about gay oppression during the holocaust to look into Jewish oppression anywhere and at any time, you would already know that it’s not the same and you wouldn’t have had to put a Jewish person through the emotional labour of having to explain Jewish trauma to you.

Also, minimizing the harm to Jews and Romani people in the holocaust is explicitly an alt-right tactic that goes hand in hand with holocaust denial, so when you try to put us on par with people who were significantly less affected by it than we were, just know that those are the people you’re keeping company with. I don’t think that’s what you’re trying to do, but just be careful because that’s where this line of thinking heads.

#judaism #jewish #shoah #the holocaust #antisemitism #Anonymous #sorry this anger isn't specifically supposed to be directed at anon #it's just a very touchy subject that hurts a lot of Jewish people #and I've had this argument with too many gay goyim who were antisemitic #feel free to reblog this #דיברתי

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janamelie · 5 years

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LGBT+ Characters

What This Isn’t

A claim of “proof” of the sexuality and / or gender identity of any of these characters. We don’t need that or anything else to “justify” shipping.

What This Is

A reference post to collate instances in canon which could indicate LGBT+ characters. In the case of regulars, I won’t include every instance as it would simply take too long.

Rimmer

As I was saying… :p

Honestly, Rimmer is so obviously LGBT+ to me that I don’t know where to start. How about his reaction to Ace in “Dimension Jump”?

RIMMER: "Commander Rimmer!" I ask you. "Ace!" Barf city. I bet you anything he wears women's underwear. They're all the same, this type, you know, Hurly-burly, rough-n-tumble macho marines in public, and behind closed doors he'll be parading up and down in taffeta ballgowns, drinking mint juleps, whipping the houseboy.

KRYTEN: Sir, he's you! It's just that your lives diverged at a certain point in time.

RIMMER: Yes, I went into the gents and he went the other way.

KRYTEN: I assume, sir, you are making fatuous references to his sexuality. If I may point out, if --

Or how about Low Rimmer? Surely Rob and Doug could have got their point across a little less graphically?

Or if you prefer something less rapey, this passage from “IWCD”. Unlike the show, Rob and Doug had more time and leeway to explore the characters and this is what they chose to include for Rimmer:

“Rimmer began to regret his outburst. He didn’t like to see his other self upset, and he even contemplated briefly going up to him and giving him a manly embrace. But in a brief moment of homosexual panic, he thought his double might get the wrong idea. Not that he would, of course, because he was him and he knew for a fact he wasn’t that way sexually tilted; so obviously his double wasn’t and obviously his double would know that he wasn’t either, and it was simply a manly embrace meant in a sort of mano a mano kind of way…Perhaps he was tired…Two or three days in bed and he’d be his old self again…Who cared if his copy saw it as a sign of weakness? He’d suggest it anyway.” Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers, Grant/Naylor, pg 233.

And this from the end of the “Better Than Life” novel, when Holly - whose IQ has been restored - comes up with a way to bring Lister back from the dead (no, not as a hologram):

“Rimmer stood in the hatchway and his face yielded to a grin, which in turn gave way to laughter. Not his normal hollow braying empty laughter, this was an altogether different noise. This was a noise his vocal cords had never been called on to make before.

It was the laughter of joy.”

Better Than Life, Grant/Naylor, pg 218.

I know some fans read Rimmer as asexual and you can certainly make an argument for that, most obviously in “Marooned” where he describes his younger self as not “particularly highly sexed”. Of course, that wouldn’t preclude him also being homoromantic or biromantic.

Lister

No-one’s denying Lister’s obvious attraction to and affection for women, but that doesn’t mean that he can’t be bisexual or pansexual. In fact, his “I’m not gay!” protestations in “Duct Soup” is a fairly common way for people attracted to more than one gender to describe themselves if they don’t feel comfortable using labels. Given that he was talking to Chloe!Kochanski to whom he’s attracted, it makes sense that he’d prevaricate like this.

And then of course, in the very next episode “Blue”, he dreams about kissing Rimmer. It’s not only the fact of this, it’s the subsequent scene drawing a direct comparison between him missing Rimmer and Kochanski missing her Dave - her boyfriend. And despite the ending of this episode, when Lister actually meets Rimmer again, he’s delighted. Until he realises it’s not HIS Rimmer and even so, he gets used to nano-Rimmer and they eventually become quite chummy.

Not forgetting the chemistry between him and Ace, of course.

Kryten

I know he's a mechanoid, but no-one has any problem reading his relationship with Mechanoid - and later Blob - Camille as romantic and Camille literally says herself that both she and her husband Hector are actually androgynous, which makes Kryten - at the very least - panromantic.

And that’s before we get to his very obvious love for Lister which he states himself in “Back In The Red”.

Holly

Holly was actually conceived as a female character and became male due to Norman Lovett’s original casting. Sources: “Stasis Leaked” by Smegazine writer Jane Killick and “The Unofficial Red Dwarf Programme Guide” by Smegazine writers Chris Howarth and Steve Lyons.

With Hattie’s replacement casting and later Norman’s return, Rob and Doug may not have intended to create a trans or genderfluid character, but that’s what they ended up doing.

Holly is also bisexual - male Holly was attracted to Hilly and female Holly to Ace.

George McIntyre

It was actually Rob and Doug’s audio commentary on the pilot version of “The End” on “The Bodysnatcher Collection” which alerted me to this possibility. I know it’s a stretch but I’m including it precisely because I’m indifferent to George as a character and it makes no difference to me whether someone believes this one or not.

During George’s speech at his “Welcome back” party, he says “I don’t want you to think of me as someone who’s dead, more as someone who’s no longer a threat to your marriages - I think Joe knows what I’m talking about!”

We see a man and a woman laughing and the woman playfully pokes the man in the arm. He stops laughing and looks a bit sheepish.

Rob and Doug comment confusedly to the effect of “Shouldn’t it be the other way round? This is one of the things we had no control over at this stage.”

Come on, Rob and Doug. Not only does this scene appear intact in the final televised version of “The End”, you also included extra background on George in “Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers”, showing the events leading up to his death. Unlike the hologram he replaces, Frank Saunders, there is no mention of George having a wife or indeed any partner, so as far I’m concerned, we shippers can read whatever we choose into this scene. We would regardless, but the way canon leaves it is particularly open-ended.

Deb Lister and Arlene Rimmer (“Parallel Universe”)

See previous entries. If their male counterparts are LGBT+ then so are they, plus I always got that vibe from the performances anyway.

Camille

Yes, everyone uses female pronouns for her as that’s how she presents to the crew, but she says herself: “We’re androgynous, but I suppose you could call [Hector] my husband.”

Noel Coward Waxdroid (“Meltdown”)

Mr Coward was gay in real life and his fictional incarnation here greets Rimmer with “Delighted to meet you, dear boy!” I rest my case.

Nirvanah Crane

And arguably the entire crew of the Holoship according to her speech: “It's a ship regulation that we all have sexual congress at least twice a day. It's a health rule … Here it is considered the height of bad manners to refuse an offer of sexual coupling … We are holograms. There is no risk of disease or pregnancy. That is why in our society we only believe in sex -- constant, guilt-free sex.”

Does that sound as though they’re fussy about the genders of their partners? It certainly doesn’t to me. So:

Captain Hercule Platini

Commander Randy Navarro

Commander Natalina Pushkin

Commander Binks

Sam Murray

From the Series V DVD booklet:

“Briefly revived in “Holoship”, it came as a surprise that Sam was male. In the original pilot script - and Series 1′s deleted funeral scene - deceased crew member “Sam Murray” is said to be dating “Rick Thesen”. Possibly Red Dwarf’s first gay couple?”

Cop (“Back To Reality”)

I’m sure it wasn’t written as such and maybe he didn’t intend to, but the way Lenny Von Dohlen plays his character’s reaction to the Voter Colonel just pings my gaydar.

Frank Todhunter (“The End”)

I know the conversation in “Duct Soup” (which also includes a reference to a gay crew member nicknamed “Bent Bob” *cringe*) where Kochanski tells Lister that the Todhunter in her dimension was gay is played off as something she made up to take Lister’s mind off his claustrophobia, but she never actually says as much. There’s nothing to say that at least part of what she was saying wasn’t true.

Ackerman (Series VIII)

In the Series VIII DVD documentary, actor Graham McTavish says he was playing Ackerman as someone who enjoys sex with women “or at a pinch, men dressed as women”. So onto this list he goes.

Big Meat (“Only The Good”)

I don’t blame you if you’ve blocked this one out as I find the scene almost unwatchable, but he’s the big prisoner who takes to the idea of being Cat’s “bitch” unexpectedly quickly.

Katerina Bartikovsky (“Back To Earth”)

Credit to @clueingforbeggs for noticing that in “Pete Part 1” Ackerman claims to have been “having jiggy-jiggy with the Science Officer’s wife” and connecting that with Katerina being a Science Officer. There’s nothing to say that the Joy Squid didn’t conjure up the image of an actual crew member.

But maybe the ship has more than one Science Officer? Well, the way it’s said makes it sound as though there is only one but in “Holoship” Kryten gives Rimmer a mind patch from two officers, one of whom is Science Officer Buchan. There is no mention of Buchan’s gender so who’s to say they aren’t also female?

Begg Chief (“Entangled”)

“We prefer the ship of green. And the sexy light man with the lady legs so long and luscious!”

Chancellor Wednesday (“The Beginning”)

Actor Alex Hardy says in Series X DVD doc “We’re Smegged” that he was playing the relationship between his character and Dominator Zlurth with a homoerotic undercurrent and you can see it subtly in his performance.

Dolphy (“Cured”)

All I’ll say about this one is that if Messalina had behaved towards Lister as Dolphy does in this episode, nobody would have doubted that she was into him.

Ziggy (“Timewave”)

Proof that LGBT+ characters in this show work a lot better when Doug isn’t intentionally writing them as such. Sorry.

Feel free to add any examples I may have missed.

@lord-valery-mimes @aziraphale-lesbian @notalwaysweak @feline-ranger @downonthepharm-red-dwarf @hologrammette @rosecathy @cazflibs

#red dwarf #red dwarf slash

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stevenuniversallyreviews · 5 years

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Episode 121: Rocknaldo

“I don't love that. I don't accept that.”

Ronaldo Fryman has always been annoying.

From his first speaking role in Cat Fingers, and his first starring role in Keep Beach City Weird, this has been obvious. He’s selfish and insensitive, dominating every conversation he’s a part of and refusing to respect viewpoints that differ from his. He works well in small doses, where his grating nature can be properly diluted, so it’s understandable that an entire episode of Ronaldo at peak Ronaldo is not a widely beloved entry in the Steven Universe canon. But even though I can’t stand watching Rocknaldo, I actually, uh, kind of love it.

That’s a hard “uh, kind of” though. It’s tough to separate my emotions about this one, because I respect such an incredible portrayal of toxic fandom, but I hate toxic fandom so much that I don’t enjoy spending time with it, even as parody. This isn’t an episode I’m ever in the mood for, but it’s just so good at what it’s doing that I can’t stay mad at it.

Ronaldo’s propaganda is first played for laughs, with Steven’s bewilderment at what he’s reading (“They’re adding mind-controlling minerals to our water suppl—they hate men?”) and the vaudevillian back and forth of Ronaldo’s Rock People talking points and Steven’s quick and absolute dismissals. Ronaldo’s embarrassment is a bit of a surprise considering he’s never seemed capable of such a sensation, and his willingness to admit he’s wrong seems like a good sign, but oh boy does that attitude not last.

The mindset that led Ronaldo to make his bad faith arguments in pamphlet form (which he calls Ronalphlets because heaven forbid we get the idea that it’s not about him) persists, and it’s so much worse in conversation than as printed media. It’s not enough that he impedes on Steven’s personal space, but he checks off multiple key items on the Pathetic Internet Troll I Find Useless List (or “PITIFUL” if we’re using proper jargon). He’s casually sexist. He negs Steven into accepting his intrusions. He gatekeeps the concept of being a “true” Crystal Gem, which is lousy in a bubble but so much worse in practice because he’s doing it to an actual Crystal Gem. He gaslights by stating his incorrect views as obvious facts, complete with his own lingo, to make Steven question his own validity. And perhaps worst of all, he takes advantage of Steven’s empathetic nature to pretend that a tolerant person must accept abuse.

On the one hand, Ronaldo’s extreme behavior can be chalked up to severe sleep loss; that’s certainly the angle the episode goes for. But on the other, his toxicity begins well before he decides to stop sleeping, and as someone whose record for consecutive waking hours is an inadvisable thirty-six, fatigue will make you cranky, but it won’t make you more conniving. In cartoon world it’s a clean device to up Ronaldo’s awfulness in a way we can walk back from, but ugh he’s still a trashfire. Zach Callison always deserves kudos, and Rocknaldo is no exception, but Zachary Steel wins out here for capturing such a loathsome version of his character.

A key ingredient for Rocknaldo is timing. Steven just had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, and this is our first glimpse at how it’s changed him, so what better way to test our all-loving hero than to pit him against a black hole of selfishness? He’s grown a lot since Keep Beach City Weird in a way Ronaldo hasn’t, and while his instinct is still kindness, now there’s a welcome dose of teen moodiness mixed in.

It takes a while for Steven to realize it’s a grift, but beyond this slowness being a necessity for the conflict of the episode to work, it makes sense for where he’s at this point in the show. Again, kindness is an instinct for this kid, and even when Ronaldo starts getting infuriating, we’ve seen Steven be patient with him before. He’s also got that martyr complex revved up: this isn’t the first or last time he’s been willing to suffer to make someone else comfortable. He knows how much it sucks to be called the wrong name by now, so he’s the only person who consistently calls Ronaldo “Bloodstone.” And considering Rose Quartz wasn’t what he thought, he now feels that he must double his efforts to be his best self to compensate.

Also important is Steven’s willingness to defend his friends from the start, calling the term “Rock People” offensive and defending the Gems’ decision to leave Ronaldo behind on a dangerous mission. He can take Ronaldo’s lousiness all day, but finally snaps when Connie’s worthiness is insulted. It’s sweet that he sticks up for people, but it’s a bummer that he probably would’ve put up with Ronaldo even longer if the only one suffering was himself. Steven would do anything for his friends, but he’s not doing much for Steven.

This is why Ronaldo is the ideal antagonist for an episode coming off Steven’s space adventure. Steven’s selflessness contrasts perfectly with Ronaldo’s selfishness, but instead of a story about selflessness being good and selfishness being bad, we see how selflessness isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Yes, it’s good to care about others, but it’s also important to have boundaries and enough self-respect to defend yourself; this isn’t even the first time we’ve gotten this message, but it bears repeating. There’s are limits to tolerance that trolls will always exploit (“White Nationalists aren’t welcome here? So much for the ‘Tolerant Left!’”), and on a show about empathy we need for Steven (and the audience) to see that empathy doesn’t mean being a doormat.

Steven’s patience fuels the episode, but the wheels are greased by the Amethyst and Pearl’s disdain. It’s a minor part of Rocknaldo, but I’m not sure I could survive how grating Ronaldo is without some backup from the Gems.

Garnet may lead a slow clap at Steven’s rousing speech on the nature of acceptance, but Amethyst is happy to crack jokes at Ronaldo’s self-seriousness, down to that perfect impression near the end of the episode. Meanwhile, Pearl openly hates the guy. We don’t even get Sassy Pearl (perhaps the greatest Pearl of all), she’s just bluntly dismissive as a refreshing antidote to Steven’s hospitality. She doesn’t bother to remember his ridiculous new name because she refuses to humor the notion that he’s a Gem, and it totally works for me; misnaming is played for drama when Steven is concerned, as befits the trans allegory that comes to a head in Change Your Mind, but Ronaldo is a human belittling Steven’s identity by pretending he shares it, so “Bloodstone” isn’t worth getting right to her (it helps that “Fryrocko” is also a delightful thing to call somebody). This jokey take on names works in the moment, but more importantly primes us for a more serious take in our last scene.

The final conversation, after a rare time jump, does salvage Ronaldo somewhat. He apologizes and admits he was acting like a jerk, and remains dedicated to helping the Crystal Gems in his own weird way. But the root of his problem isn’t gonna up and go away, and that root, again, is selfishness. He doesn’t fit in because he would rather the world adjust to meet his whims than take a single step towards self-improvement, so he chooses to see himself as “the ultimate outsider.” I guess it’s nice to find a positive spin on qualities you’re not great at, but it reeks of self-importance in a way that’s true to the character but is still frustrating to watch. Ronaldo is very good at being who he is, but I just don’t have much patience for intentionally annoying characters.

Still, we get that lovely moment of Steven talking about his name; it’s not a big revelation that folks only call him Rose Quartz when they’re mad at him, but verbalizing it shows that he’s aware of the pattern. The issue of his name will pop up more and more, becoming a cornerstone of both the Season 4 and Season 5 finales, so it’s nice to discuss it in a calm moment so we can keep Steven’s opinion in the back of our minds when things get messy. Ronaldo, to his credit, asks permission before sharing this story on his pamphlet, and evokes fellow emotionally-challenged antagonist Zuko in his attempt at solidarity. (Fun fact: in no other way is Ronaldo similar to Zuko.)

Moving from Zuko to Zuke: I don’t know where Rocknaldo’s production lined up on the timeline of the Steven Universe fandom's worst elements harassing Jesse Zuke, but I hope Zuke got some level of catharsis in portraying such “fans” in this pathetic manner. Speaking as a guy with a blog, calling Ronaldo “just a guy with a blog” is perfect putdown for a loser that makes himself feel big by pretending to know how to run a ship better than the captain. Imagine if I spent every post saying how much better of a storyteller I am than this crew. Ugh.

Fandoms can do great things, but man are they pros at doing horrible things. During the week that I wrote this review, a 15-year-old Super Smash Bros player got yelled off the internet for beating an established player in an incredible fashion, because while the community adores a young upstart, they can’t stand when that upstart is a girl. And no, I’m not saying the entire fandom did it, just as the entire Steven Universe fandom didn’t target one of the show’s best boarders (note that this article was written when Zuke still went by Lauren), but there are more than enough Ronaldos in every community, and it’s up to people who comprehend the basic tenets of empathy provided by a show they claim to love to stand up to such bullies.

If you don’t like Rocknaldo, that’s just fine. Because you shouldn’t like how Ronaldo acts in it. Liking something doesn’t give you the right to harass people, so do your part in shutting that nonsense down.

I’ve never been to this…how do you say…school?

Just give us an episode with Peridot, Yellow Pearl, Peedee, and Ronaldo trapped in a room already.

We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

I hate watching this episode, but that doesn’t mean I hate the episode. It does its job very well, which is worthy of admiration even if I’m probably never going to watch it again now that this review is done.

Top Twenty

Steven and the Stevens

Hit the Diamond

Mirror Gem

Lion 3: Straight to Video

Alone Together

Last One Out of Beach City

The Return

Jailbreak

The Answer

Mindful Education

Sworn to the Sword

Rose’s Scabbard

Earthlings

Mr. Greg

Coach Steven

Giant Woman

Beach City Drift

Winter Forecast

Bismuth

Steven’s Dream

Love ‘em

Laser Light Cannon

Bubble Buddies

Tiger Millionaire

Lion 2: The Movie

Rose’s Room

An Indirect Kiss

Ocean Gem

Space Race

Garnet’s Universe

Warp Tour

The Test

Future Vision

On the Run

Maximum Capacity

Marble Madness

Political Power

Full Disclosure

Joy Ride

Keeping It Together

We Need to Talk

Chille Tid

Cry for Help

Keystone Motel

Catch and Release

When It Rains

Back to the Barn

Steven’s Birthday

It Could’ve Been Great

Message Received

Log Date 7 15 2

Same Old World

The New Lars

Monster Reunion

Alone at Sea

Crack the Whip

Beta

Back to the Moon

Kindergarten Kid

Buddy’s Book

Gem Harvest

Three Gems and a Baby

That Will Be All

The New Crystal Gems

Storm in the Room

Like ‘em

Gem Glow

Frybo

Arcade Mania

So Many Birthdays

Lars and the Cool Kids

Onion Trade

Steven the Sword Fighter

Beach Party

Monster Buddies

Keep Beach City Weird

Watermelon Steven

The Message

Open Book

Story for Steven

Shirt Club

Love Letters

Reformed

Rising Tides, Crashing Tides

Onion Friend

Historical Friction

Friend Ship

Nightmare Hospital

Too Far

Barn Mates

Steven Floats

Drop Beat Dad

Too Short to Ride

Restaurant Wars

Kiki’s Pizza Delivery Service

Greg the Babysitter

Gem Hunt

Steven vs. Amethyst

Bubbled

Adventures in Light Distortion

Gem Heist

The Zoo

Rocknaldo

Enh

Cheeseburger Backpack

Together Breakfast

Cat Fingers

Serious Steven

Steven’s Lion

Joking Victim

Secret Team

Say Uncle

Super Watermelon Island

Gem Drill

Know Your Fusion

Future Boy Zoltron

No Thanks!

6. Horror Club 5. Fusion Cuisine 4. House Guest 3. Onion Gang 2. Sadie’s Song 1. Island Adventure

#rocknaldo #steven universe #su #steven universally #review

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theywontlistenunlessyoutry-blog · 5 years

Text

Y’all Ain’t Woke (and Neither Am I)

Okay so, I’m not sure how to start this because I know that this is a subject that requires tact. Lots of tact. Tact that a lot of people on this website don’t have, but whatever. That’s not the point of this, not all of it anyway.

The point here is.

Y’all ain’t woke.

Every day I come on this website and I see nothing but mudslinging. Some of it is well deserved and some of it is not. That is again, not the point here. The point here is hypocrisy.

There’s a lot of it. From a lot of people. It’s part of the reason why I’m not giving any specifics onto my identity (I made this blog specifically for this and I may never use it again honestly), because the people on this website will find some way to invalidate me for it. I’m not saying this as a person of a specific identity. No gender. No sexuality. No race. Though I acknowledge that the person I am behind this screen will influence my writings no matter what, I will also try to acknowledge my specific bias’ as a type away at this on my tiny ass phone screen in a valiant attempt to get my opinion out into a great sea of voices.

I am here to acknowledge something that a lot of people on this website don’t seem to have.

Common human decency and understanding.

Now you may argue, “hey aren’t you making some pretty broad assumptions?!” and, “isn’t saying something like that rude?!” Except perhaps with more explicit language. It is the internet. I will not judge you for using the fuck word. I will however judge you for using other words if you so choose to use them, and I’m sure some of you will. But back to the point.

Every day I come onto this site and I see hate spewed from every corner. Not from everyone, no, but from many. Some of this hate is valid and rational, as sometimes the world hurts you and you need a place to vent. A place to be yourself where no one knows who you really are behind the screen (except the FBI, but they don’t count). It is a comfort in a world that is out to deride you. Oppress you. Kill you, even.

Yes, the internet is a comfort.

Yet, so many people can not grasp that on the internet you are not alone.

On the internet you are connected to millions of people, all with vastly different life experiences. Different morals and values. Different world views. Many treat the internet like some alien dimension when in reality the internet is the closest reflection to the human subconscious that we have ever known.

And that is frightening.

There are hate groups at every corner, unchallenged by the rules of an uncaring and prejudiced algorithm made and maintained by people who could give less than two shits about you.

There are cults, out to snare vulnerable minds.

There are stalkers, rapist, abusers, law enforcement, corporations.

There are people out there and they are out to get you, and that is frightening. We are a frightened race for we cannot even trust the very people who had sworn to protect us in some way. Parents, teachers, cops. All have harmed you in some way, intentionally or unintentionally.

We live in a world built upon the backs of oppressed and enslaved people. Not just in America but all across the world, in every government system, in many forms, is a sickness. The sickness is wealth. The sickness it apathy. Perhaps the sickness is even privilege.

Ah yes, privilege.

It is a word that people on this site use to hide. Yes, even me.

We use privilege to invalidate, just as we try and invalidate the existence of privilege.

No, I am not just talking about the existence of white privilege, which most certainly exists though some may doubt it.

To all those who deny, let me tell you this.

One, privilege does not make you a bad person.

Two, almost everyone has privilege.

Yes, you heard me right, almost everyone has privilege.

Despite what some will have you believe, White Privilege is not the only privilege that exists.

Straight Privilege.

Cis Privilege.

Wealth Privilege.

Able Bodied Privilege.

Religious Privilege.

Education Privilege.

Hell, the privilege to even be able to access the internet in the first place.

All of these privileges exist and you have at least one of them. Having a privilege does not mean you’re a bad person, because no one asks to be handed these privileges at birth.

Many people do not even realize they have privilege, because that is how the system is formed. It is formed in such a way that those that have turn their backs on those that have not. That they ignore the plights of others because they do not see that they exist. That they lack empathy for those that are different and therefore turn on them because that is what society taught you to do.

We are all guilty of this.

No, it does not matter if you are Black or Asian, or Indigenous, or White, or any other race or ethnicity. Just as it does not matter if you lack a limb, or if your brain does not process information in the way that is considered standard, or if your body works without trouble.

Everyone has a bias against someone and it shows, yes, even on this website which supposedly teaches tolerance.

Let me assure you it does not.

I come onto here and all I see is hate.

Now, let me preface this with saying that you do not have to love those who have hurt you. Those who took their ignorance a step to far and left a mark on you that you feel will never heal. Those that leave a thousand little scratch marks on your soul every day until you can’t stand it anymore. Those that took your act of pent up suffering as an overreaction and needless anger and never once considered the source.

You do not have to love those that hurt you.

You just need to understand.

People on this website will take one look at you and invalidate your experience because you are white, or a cis man, or straight. Just as the outside world will take one look at you and invalidate your experience because you are black, or a trans woman, or gay, or any other marginalized community.

We do this and call it progressiveness. We do this and call it rebelling against our oppressors. We do this and assume we have the moral high ground because we love one kind of person while scorning the other.

We scorn our fellow humans, people who suffer just as we do in our own lives, if perhaps in different ways, because of the benefits a cruel society born on bloodshed dictated we have at birth.

This is not a movement towards the future, but a movement towards vengeance.

A movement that turns those who could be allies into monsters because they cannot understand the exact suffering you have gone through.

But that is unfair and close-minded.

No one can understand the exact life you have lived, not even those who fall into the same categories as you. No straight white able-bodied cis man’s story is the same, just as no gay black disabled trans woman’s story is the same.

But we can empathize.

We can empathize, should empathize, hold out hope that someone will empathize with our suffering.

I see wishes for empathy. I see people calling out for it. I see people perfectly capable of it.

Yet I see no empathy.

But, perhaps that is a generalization.

Not all people are like that.

Not all people.

Hmm.

Now doesn’t that sound familiar.

You hear it all the time don’t you.

“Not All Men!” or “Not All White People!”

It is a loud cry. It grates on you, because for years the kind of person who says this has been the same person who saw all women as sexualized meat sacks. Who saw Black people as thugs. Who saw Muslims as terrorists. Who saw Latin@ people as gangsters.

Or did they.

You see, here on this very website we look to the people who say these things as lesser. Incels, entitled White folx, White Feminists(not to be confused with White people who are feminists, of course). Yes, we use these words to deride people who have oppressed us, who have invalidated and hurts us over the years. Perhaps it is understandable in some cases (or always in the case of Nazis and White Supremacists), but that is not the point.

We say these things and then console ourselves with knowing that it is not oppression, for these people have been the oppressors for years. Our vitriolic words hold no power over them because of the institution which has deemed us lesser.

“It can’t be racism, the person who said it was Black!”

“It can’t be ableism, they’re in a wheelchair!”

“It can’t be biphobia, she’s a lesbian!”

But it is, and always has been.

You see, despite all the powers that we lack from the government, we all have one power which can be used to hurt others.

Our words.

Words are the gateway to belief, to rhetoric, to ideologies.

You may not believe that someone is hearing you because of your place in society, but I assure you that people are listening. That people are internalizing the things you have said in some way or another. Even if that person is just you.

Every time someone says “I Hate Men,” or “I Hate Straight People,” or “I Hate White People,” it is internalized and it hurts someone. Perhaps yourself, perhaps some lost soul looking for someone to hate, perhaps someone who falls under that wide umbrella and lacks self-esteem.

You may not have meant all of that specific demographic but someone will take it that way. You can clarify all you want, but the way you say things has power. Just as the way you ignore things does.

Intentionally or unintentionally, we are hardwired to internalize propaganda. That is why so many POC, or LGBT+, or disabled people get pushed out of inclusive spaces, spoken over. We have been hardwired to believe their words are less important by a society we are all suffering under, and everyday we must work to rewire ourselves to disbelieve that rhetoric.

Everyone must work for it.

Even me.

Even you.

Do not believe that you cannot be racist just because you are not White. You grew up in a society that valued whiteness over colour. That valued pale beauty over the deeper shades and tones that are just as beautiful.

Do not believe that you cannot be ableist just because you are in a wheelchair. Society has taught you to not value yourself or others who lack parts of their bodies or have their brain work a different way.

Do not believe that you cannot be sexist because you are a woman. One only needs to look at those called TERFs and Radfems to see the rampant transphobia that plagues them.

Do not believe that you cannot be prejudiced against someone else just because someone else is prejudiced against you.

Suffering is part of the human experience.

It simply manifests in different ways.

So many on here want a better, brighter future, and yet cannot envision one that does not come at the cost of someone else’s comfort and safety.

That is not progressiveness.

That is prejudice.

That is hate.

In order to have a better future, we must not pull someone else down to pull ourselves up. That future it not better it is oppression in a different form, it is vengeance for your hurts.

In order to have a better future you must separate those that have hurt you from the system that perpetuates their hate.

You do not have to forgive them.

You do not have to stop being angry or scared.

But you must look past them.

We cannot generalize your suffering and place them on the shoulders of other people. Just as we cannot speak over those suffering an experience that you have not, and then turn around and believe it does not exist. We must acknowledge and accept each other’s existence, but deny and dismantle hateful rhetoric and no matter who it is leveled towards.

We claim the future is together, and yet invalidate those that we perceive as having suffered less when in reality they have likely suffered in a different form.

We cannot dismantle the system that divides us apart, we cannot go alone and afraid of those who do not look or think or act like us. We must go together. If we do not then we will only be torn apart by those that wish to oppress us.

We must look inside ourselves and confront the monster that has grown inside of us. The monster of hate and division that causes us to look at our fellow human and deem them lesser for things out of our control.

We must overcome the bias that society has taught us.

We must be angry, but not at those who have not harmed you, but at the system which has poised our privileges at each other’s throats.

We must go forth but with awareness and acceptance of each other’s existence and suffering.

No one is alone on this planet.

No one is alone on this website.

Someone will hear you, but will what they hear help?

Or will it divide us further?

Only the future will tell, and I hope that future is a bright one.

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vrcomputart · 6 years

Text

12.11.18

ASMR RESEARCH FOR GROUP PROJECT

Now You’ve Got the Shiveries: Affect, Intimacy, and the ASMR Whisper Community by Joceline Andersen 11/11/14

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/1527476414556184

ASMR - intention, affect

- This paper “examine[s] how ASMR videos create pleasure through a distant intimacy that relies on the heteronormative gender roles of care and the aural impression of the whisper for its implementation and how their shared space on YouTube further defines that intimacy as public and communal”

- The ASMR community creates and exchanges videos designed to trigger tingles through screens, denying its nonnormative intimate nature and “the transgressiveness of their digital pleasure”

- Relaxing head tingles helps with stress and insomnia, inducing comfort and bliss

- “In the case of ASMR, affect and emotion exist hand in hand, tethered by intentionality, memory, and nostalgia. In this paper, I will explore the connotations of intimacy and care that create the affective ASMR experience to examine the ASMR community on YouTube as sharing in a public and therefore nonnormative experience of distant intimacy that reflects, if reluctantly, the potential of digital communities to make us feel”

- Aural triggers eg whispering, rustling paper, tapping are physiologically charged - an affective experience (Massumi)

- “the intention of care has a role in the way that these experiences manifest an affective experience with a content of pleasure.” Some videos role-play everyday tasks, including sounds we may find annoying in our day-to-day lives, but the intention the viewer brings in (to relax) and the assumed intention of the creator (to help others relax) changes the experience to that of care

- Founder of ASMR research called it “a more polite term for ‘orgasm’. Tenuous links between sensation and science – it is claimed to be an autonomous response, but is ultimately fringe science similar to binaural beat listeners, which brings us back to the point about intentionality. Perhaps it is more of a placebo, and more about the community formed?

Community and Youtube

- ASMR is a public phenomemon, as it spread across all social media and not just niche sites: “The ASMR community is aligned not only by their quest for affective experience but by their desire to share it through online media…”

- Youtube is a big part of the community’s formation - “youtube is the most public home of asmr”, “an archive and a site of creative exchange”

The voice

- Usually delivered by female creators. Role-played performance rather than cold instructions.

- Voice is important – videos often only show certain body parts (hands, mouth). Focus directed to actions and gesures. Close-ups jar familiar conventions of how a person is framed on a screen. Meditative attention on body parts, sometimes to the point of abstraction.

- Sound over video: binaural recording is getting more popular; “increasingly sophisticated audioscapes while the video quality remains poor. The video component is secondary to the experience and exists primarily because of the affordances of YouTube”

- Whisper as powerful in a hypersonic world. The whisper requires a closeness between speaker and listener for communication. Connotations to intimate relationships like mother and child (or conversations you have at sleepovers with friends). “The whisper recreates intimacy without the need for physical presence”

- Whisper demands more attention, so the listener is more intent on sounds, and considering most people use headphones, the effect of whispers in one’s ear are more intense. Private and intimate exchange despite it being public.

- Quality of voice as carrier of meaning, rather than the words themselves.

- The whisperer is ‘hyper-present’, creating an intimacy, a presence made possible thru binaural mics and immersive headphone sound. Affect involves impressions, impression implies contact. Movement creates emotional content. 2 bodies are connected, are able to impress upon another.

Impression and non-normative intimacy

- Impression created thru affect at a distance is crucially aural. Body casts its impression thru voice. Voice implies flesh body. Listening as act of touch (sound waves). Thus impressions are created through the voice and video (though video is not as affective as we’ve discussed above)

- Affective impression at a distance – distant intimacy. Close personal attention is a trigger that suggests physical proximity, but is remotely evoked through video. And distant not only spacially but temporally too – you can watch a video a year later after it was released.

Distant intimacy can be useful for people who maybe experience social anxiety or cannot physically experience intimacy. Maybe it’s good cause it’s controlled (you choose when to watch, can pause if needed). And from the other side, you make one video and can touch many. Like an artwork, an encounter, a ‘disruptive’ force in a way.

Also interesting considering the emphasis placed on romantic, sexual relationships as the main, most valid source of intimacy and care. What about friendships and other platonic relationships? And what about a collective sense of care i.e. you don’t need to know someone personally to care about them

- Distant intimacy – experienced as a group in absence of normal definitions of physical proximity make it “nonstandard intimacy”

- Intimate experiences in heteronormative culture are limited to couples in private. So you can’t experience pleasure with strangers, especially sexual pleasure. ASMR falls into a zone where “the spillage of eroticism into everyday social life seems transgressive in a way that provokes normal aversion”

- ASMR pleasure ranges from relaxation to eroticism. A lot of creators claim it is non-sexual. The affective charge of ASMR emerges w/o standard ‘closeness’ (not in romantic couple context, not physically close in proximity) – so it is reluctantly placed in nonstandard intimacy.

- Even though it is non-normative, creators still rely on normative scenarios of intimacy to provide emotional content behind the affective charge. Intimate care is provided by females. There is often a child-mother relationship being built between viewer and creator. Even when men make these videos, they participate in tasks gendered as female.

But female creators are choosing to do this – some empowerment? Do they get paid?

Summary: digital and physical

- Tho enabled thru tech, ASMR still relies on attention to the body and its sensations. Exists thru video streaming platforms, low tech, is sensual thru reclaiming care paradigms of personal attention, touch and meditation thru distant intimacy. In sci-fi, digital pleasure enabled thru computers – films that imagine pleasure as a drug that hooks the brain to a computer, “a cyborg high”. Asmr stands between – addiction is not only pleasure but intimacy, relationship is not only distant but anonymous.

- Ideal cyborg – uses computer to reinstate the body in shared experiences, rather than leaving out the body purely for mental digital experience. ASMR follows this dictum to the letter, uniting a group of people who use the archive provided by the Internet to focus intensely on a sensation triggered by the impression of a body transmitted through the ear in a nonnormative public experience of pleasure and distant intimacy.

- Asmr relies on the intimacy and care. Relaxation carried through emotional content, not just the sounds. Asmr uses tech to create new access to pleasure. “the ASMR community allows us to examine what intimacy will look like as we are increasingly linked to each other through the Internet rather than in person.”

- Distant intimacy breaks with heteronormative culture, releasing a digital-enabled intimacy that is a queer intimacy. While ASMR videos as shared on YouTube draw on real-world paradigms of care, the attachments that ASMRers have to videos beyond their sensory power helps us as media scholars to envision a future where these queer experiences of computer-enabled intimacy are as emotionally compelling as those of maternal care, personal touch, or sex. Whatever the affect created, it is clear that distant intimacy carries emotional value, and that these sensations can be released, by strangers and acquaintances, remotely through digital networks.

There are more noteworthy things to discuss, but I’ll end the notes here as there is already more than enough to digest.

Ideas

Create art that lies between ASMR, oddly satisfying videos (another topic I researched that felt close to ASMR), trance/visionary art aesthetic, music video, and modern witchcraft – providing vids that can be of service, as a form of queer care (nonstandard intimacy). Because for me, behind art, is a desire to relieve suffering through providing pleasure, a desire to care for the world and its creatures, to disrupt the status quo.

Maybe create a device or a platform/software to share the videos in their own context?

#theory

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aspergersissues · 7 years

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Stephen Hawking is one of my heroes, and I don’t use that word lightly. He and I are both disabled scientists. He’s been my inspiration to work hard to try and get to the point where I can be remembered for my contributions to knowledge and not my disabilities. Sadly, my academic life collapsed around me because of horrific people who decided I didn’t deserve a shot specifically because I’m disabled. I have trouble with words when it comes to things like this. I found a post on Facebook by someone named Celeste Adams and I wanted to share their words here. I think they sum it all up so nicely. The only part I feel needs clarity is that Hawking was British and got healthcare through the NIH, not insurance. He actually published many articles praising universal health care and arguing its importance. Anyway, here’s Celeste’s comments: “In light of the death of Stephen Hawking I, as a disabled person, would like to say a few words regarding this event, disability, and the way non-disabled people are reacting to this news: Professor Stephen Hawking was an upper class physically disabled white male who was one of the most important and renowned scientists of our time. His work changed the way everyone thought about the world and what is beyond and the legacy he left behind will probably go unmatched. Since his passing last night I’ve seen a lot of headlines regarding his death that have gone something like, “Despite his disability, Stephen Hawking accomplished…” or posts where people have said things such as “If Stephen Hawking was able to do it, then you have no excuse to not try!”. There has even been “artwork” circulating of a drawing of his wheelchair in the foreground and, in the background, imagery of the cosmos with a standing, upright, abled version of Hawking’s silhouette in its midst. Now while the respect for Hawking’s work seems to be universal, the respect the majority of you have for him as a disabled person is nonexistent, and headlines and posts like these prove it. As the late disability rights activist Stella Young talked about in her TED Talk “I’m Not Your Inspiration, Thank You Very Much”, the world has been sold a lie that for disabled people the barrier in our lives, the tragedy of being disabled, is our disabilities themselves, and as a result we get praised and rewarded by non-disabled people simply for existing and waking up each morning. This is what she refers to as “Inspiration Porn”, where disabled people are objectified and used as tools so non-disabled people can think to themselves, “Well, at least I don’t have it that bad,” and, “If that person can do it, then maybe I should try a little harder” and as a result feel better about themselves. But the rhetoric that our lives are tragedies and barriers that we have to overcome really is nothing but a dangerous ableist lie. The only “barriers” we face are the social and economic ones that are created, enforced, and preserved, by non-disabled people like YOU. This includes hate crimes, denying us access to healthcare, putting us into poverty when we actually can access healthcare, denying us our right to education, denying us jobs that we are fully qualified for, *legally* paying us less than the minimum wage when we do get a job, designing environments that are inaccessible so we can’t leave our homes or even find a home to begin with, taking our children away from us, killing us off or sterilizing us when we are children, incarcerating and institutionalizing us, and CHOOSING to not report any of this in the media or teach our histories in schools. There’s so much more than what’s in that list that each and every one of us has to deal with, but one of the most harmful things of all is this lie that WE are the problem. That our IDENTITIES as disabled people is the real barrier we have to face. Not ableism. Not your willful ignorance. Not your hate or your biases or judgements or constant global debates on whether people like me should be allowed to live or die. But it’s always easier to blame the disabled person, right? So what does this have to do with Hawking? A few things. First of all, recognize what you are doing when you separate Hawking and his work from his disability. He actually said once that he probably wouldn’t have been able to do the work he had done if it *wasn’t* for being disabled. Whether you like it or not, Hawking changed the world and he changed the world while being disabled. Recognize the ableism and the objectification you enforce when you say and post things about all the he accomplished “despite” being disabled. None of his work was done in spite of his disability, it was WITH his disability, and no matter how hard you all try you can’t change that, and you shouldn’t want to. Which brings me to my next point… I started this bit of writing off by describing Hawking as an “upper class physically disabled white male” and I did this very intentionally. Because of his class status Hawking was able to get access to and afford the proper medical treatment he needed. He was able to have in-home care, skilled doctors, and all the technological and assistive devices he needed such as a wheelchair and speech synthesizer. Now if he had been poor or even middle class, not even half of his care would’ve been possible. (For context, the market price of my own personal wheelchair is $50,000. Yes that’s four zeros. And mine is pretty standard. This is why insurance is so important.) Additionally, no matter what you class status is, when you bring intersections such as race and gender identity into the equation, life as a disabled person becomes even more difficult because you have a whole other set of biases and forms of discrimination set up against you. There’s a reason that the only famous disabled person most people can name is Stephen Hawking, and that’s almost entirely because he was a rich white man. Now this isn’t me entirely trying to argue that Hawking is only famous because he could afford to be and didn’t have to deal with any other type of discrimination aside from ableism. He was a true genius and that is undeniable. My point here is rather that look at what happens when disabled people have access to basic resources. Look at what happens when we’re not killed off or sterilized as kids. Look at what happens when we have access to healthcare and we can afford it. Look at what happens when we’re allowed to get an eduction. Look at what happens when we can get a job. Look at what happens when our books are published and people listen to us. Look at what happens when we are supported and valued by society. Look at what happens when we’re given the tools and the opportunities to be able to reach for the god dammed stars and people pay attention. If the disabled community can give you Stephen Hawking, one of the most important people to ever live, who else is out there? What other geniuses and incredible talents can we offer if given the chance? And what if those chances extended beyond disabled white men? What if we made sure that disabled people of color, and women, and queer, and trans, and poor folks could get the same opportunities and care and tools and resources as well? What if instead of shaming disability and intersectionality we embraced and supported it? And all you have to do is accept us. All you have to do is be an ally, educate yourselves on disability history and culture and rights, fight with us, help us, listen to us, and support us. All you have to do is stop blaming us for who we are and start embracing who we are. So I leave you with this photo of Stephen Hawking taken by Annie Leibovitz. Leibovitz noticed that in many photos of Hawking the photographers had tried to keep as much of his wheelchair out of the photo as possible. Thankfully she recognized the harm in this and the importance of embracing his disability, so here he is, wheelchair and all. Rest in peace Professor Hawking. May you be the first of many crips we get to celebrate in our lifetimes.”

#disabled #disability #disability rights #stephen hawking #steven hawking #science #scientist #ableism #discrimination #als

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aion-rsa · 4 years

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Star Trek: Discovery’s Adira & Gray and The Need For New Kinds of Origin Stories

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

This Star Trek: Discovery article contains MAJOR spoilers for Season 3, Episode 4.

Note: I highly encourage you to read Riley Silverman’s “Star Trek: Discovery’s Trans Representation is Both Heartbreaking and Groundbreaking” over at SyfyWire. As a trans woman (not to mention a brilliant pop culture critic), Silverman has a perspective on this representation that I, as a cis woman, do not and has beautifully written about her complex reaction to Discovery‘s latest episodes.

If you pay attention to Star Trek news, then you probably saw and got got hyped about the pre-Season 3 announcement that Discovery would be introducing two trans characters: non-binary character Adira (played by Blu del Barrio) and trans character Gray (played by Ian Anderson). In “People of Earth,” we met Adira, the human host of a Trill symbiont who cannot remember anything of their past. In “Forget Me Not,” Adira traveled to the Trill homeworld and was able to unlock the memories of not only their past self, but the memories of every previous host of the Trill symbiont known as Tal. Those hosts included Gray, Adira’s boyfriend, who we quickly learn was killed when the generation ship both Adira and Gray grew up on was hit by what appeared to be asteroid. While the final act of the episode shows that Adira can still see and interact with Gray for some as-of-yet unexplained reason, we still had to watch Gray die in Adira’s arms. This was our introduction to his character, and is now the traumatic backstory that both Adira and Gray share.

Star Trek: Discovery is making some wonderful strides when it comes to inclusive storytelling. It is so very cool to have Adira and Gray as part of the Season 3 cast for this show, which has always intentionally worked to be an inclusive representation of our own world. Both Adira and Grey are introduced as complex characters whose gender identities are only part of their stories. Adira is an engineering (and art) genius who gets snarky with Michael and is incredibly brave. Gray, who we have spent less time with, is warm and loving; he plays the cello beautifully and knows how to make Adira laugh. Both characters are played by actors who share their gender identities, and whose input has been taken into account in shaping the characters’ journeys. This is why it is frustrating to see these two young trans characters strapped with such a traumatic origin story, one that leaves one of them dead and the other forced to face the loss of their loved one.

Pop culture loves a traumatic origin story. From Disney to Game of Thrones, it’s honestly difficult to find a mainstream narrative that doesn’t include some kind of gruesome past. If Jane Austen either couldn’t imagine or simply just didn’t care what a conversation between only dudes might look like, then much of our white male-driven mainstream pop culture seems unable to imagine or care about what a backstory without violence might look like. When the backstory in question is centering a white cishet man, a traumatic origin story may be trite but it’s not usually traumatizing. But when a traumatic origin story centers a trans character, for example, it hits different—not only because trans representation on TV is still so rare, but because so much of what does exist is told through a lens of violence and trauma that can be triggering for those who share the identity and a dangerously narrow representation of the diverse trans experience for those who don’t.

As popular culture strives for greater inclusivity (and positive change happens much faster in front of the camera than it does behind it), there is a representation lag time: an era of storytelling in which we have more diverse characters included in central aspects of our stories, but they are placed in narrative structures developed by, for, and around the white cishet male experience and perspective. While, to some, this might seem like perfect diversity—to represent queer characters, for example, in just the same as you would represent straight characters—it is not. To better understand this, let’s use the language of equality vs. equity.”Equality” is treating everyone the same, whereas “equity” is giving everyone what they need to be successful. If the goal here is more inclusivity (which I genuinely think it is for Star Trek: Discovery), then that means recognizing that characters with marginalized identities are starting out with a disadvantage in a storytelling culture that skews so heavily towards the white cishet perspective, and has for a very long time. That means thinking before placing trans and queer characters in the same narrative structures that were built for white cishet men, and brainstorming what interesting, respectful, and inclusive kinds of beginnings, middles, and ends could look like for diverse marginalized characters.

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

There’s presumably much more story to tell when it comes to Adira, Gray, and their relationship, and there is presumably narrative room to see these groundbreaking characters defined both separately and together by many other kinds of experiences. When these new characters were first announced, Star Trek: Discovery showrunner Michelle Paradise (a queer woman!) made it clear that the writing team (“Forget Me Not” was written by Alan McElroy, Chris Silvestri, and Anthony Maranville) would be working with Nick Adams at GLAAD, as well as actors del Barrio and Anderson “to create the extraordinary characters of Adira and Gray, and bring their stories to life with empathy, understanding, empowerment and joy.” It’s amazing to see not one, but two trans characters as central parts of the Star Trek story, even if there are going to be some stumbles along the way. There’s more story to come for Adira and Gray, and I am excited to see it.

The post Star Trek: Discovery’s Adira & Gray and The Need For New Kinds of Origin Stories appeared first on Den of Geek.

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#aion-rsa #Den of Geek

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theclaravoyant · 7 years

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For an Anon who requested (paraphrased):

Trans masculine Simmons, FitzSimmons & fluff.

FitzSimmons! Wow I feel like I hardly write those two these days. It’s nice to stretch the ol’ wings again. Brief context: Fitz is a post op trans man, Simmons is... happily Jemma-ing along, business as usual, for now.

Though the initial prompt uses masculine pronouns I’ve transitioned Simmons to neutral pronouns instead, as it felt more suitable for various reasons that I’m happy to explain separately. I hope the prompter (and everyone else of course) enjoys nonetheless!

Fluff (& a bit of hurt/comfort sentiment bc I’m a sap).

Rated T for some sexual/nsfw references & TW: mild dysphoria

Read on AO3 (~2200wd)

the more things change

Jemma stood in front of the mirror, and studied herself. She didn’t often do this, not since her younger days of body image issues had faded behind her, but lately, something felt off. Was she losing weight? Was she bloating? Had she only just noticed how short her legs looked when she stood flat, having grown accustomed to wearing boots and heels in her new administrative position? No, no, and no, it didn’t seem to be any of these things. Yet, her body felt wrong. Was she getting sick again, maybe dissociating? It didn’t feel quite like that, either. It was a mysterious strangeness, an out-of-place-ness, that had been hanging around her like a poltergeist the last few days – few weeks, maybe? – but, she recalled as she thought on it now, it only happened when she looked at or touched her own body.

She hummed, pensive and mildly concerned at this revelation, and Fitz looked up from his reading.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, a small frown furrowing his brow.

“Nothing,” Jemma assured him, but she turned in front of the mirror, examining her breasts and hips. Perhaps her proportions were different for some reason? They didn’t seem so, and her clothes fit as well as they ever had. She put a hand on her belly. It was a little bloated, but she’d recently eaten and it was nearing the end of the day. That was to be expected. She hummed again.

“You feeling okay?” Fitz checked. Jemma turned to face him.

“Do I look okay?”

“Beautiful, always,” he swore, and Jemma blushed a little, but rolled her eyes.

“I mean, do I look different?” she restated. “Something feels – weird, I don’t know. I don’t feel myself.”

“You look yourself,” Fitz promised. “Healthy and glowing as always. And I’m not just saying that. You know you look after yourself.”

Jemma shrugged, and sat down on the side of the bed, unsatisfied. Fitz cast his reading aside and massaged her shoulders gently.

“It’s probably nothing to worry about,” he assured her. “You’re probably just exhausted.”

“Maybe.”

“Come to bed, then,” Fitz beckoned. “An early night will be good for the both of us.”

With no better ideas, Jemma dragged herself back to their chest of drawers, and pulled out one of Fitz’s old Academy shirts to sleep in. Unfortunately, her body had other plans, and though Fitz turned off the lights and fell asleep soon enough, Jemma lay awake and stared at the ceiling for some time afterward. Her restless mind raised possibility after possibility. It was probably something she’d eaten, or a stressor that she’d forgotten about, but she couldn’t help but wonder – could it be hormonal? She wasn’t pregnant, was she? Not unless her IUD was defective, which was unlikely – but! There, nearby in her mind, was another thought that might be useful. She’d had this feeling at the beginning of a few periods, before.

“Oh, great,” she grumbled to herself, rolling onto her side in irritation. Just PMS and it had kept her up half the night. Half a night more than it deserved. Maybe she’d have to see about adjusting her contraception – but that, she thought with relief, could wait until the morning.

After that night, the issue was… well not dropped exactly, but, for a time, successfully ignored. Jemma intentionally avoided spending time in front of the mirror and adjusted her hormones and that seemed to do the trick. Only, she also went back to flats and tennis shoes, and she wore a singlet under her blouses even when it was quite warm, and she started signing her documents Dr. J. – instead of Jemma – Simmons, PhD. To the untrained eye, these were unconnected tweaks; minor and independent lifestyle changes in the name of health, comfort, and professional aesthetic. To Fitz’s very-much-trained eye, however, they were emblematic of a deeper change in Jemma; one that even she might struggle to access.

As any good scientist would, and as Jemma would expect and would, no doubt, find comforting should his theory prove correct (or at least, interesting if not), Fitz compiled several months of evidence. He grew ever more sure of his intuitive conclusion, and began to complement it with updated and accredited research and personal accounts. It began to build a picture, and while it was only one picture – only one potential explanation for Jemma’s feelings – he began to feel such a strong passion for it that he had to remind himself how likely it was that he could be wrong. The goal was to help Jemma feel like herself, Fitz repeated, and this just seemed the best way, at this point, to do that.

Only once he was prepared both to be right, and to be wrong, did Fitz bring the subject up with Jemma. It was a night not unlike the one that had started him thinking, except that the mirror was half-hidden and covered up these days, out of use, and it was Jemma in bed reading as Fitz uncovered it.

“Jemma?” Fitz requested. “Come over here.”

“Why?” Jemma got up, but eyed the mirror uncertainly.

“I want to try something. Put this on.”

“Are those – Speedos?”

“No.”

Jemma narrowed her eyes. She couldn’t see where this was going. Was it a prank, perhaps? But there was something in Fitz’s eyes that made her trust him, and pull on the underwear she’d never seen before in her life. Fitz passed her another garment. A white button-up shirt. Not tailor-cut, but too small for any of the guys on base, that she had seen anyway. Fitz watched intently for her reaction as she buttoned it up and pulled it flat, but aside from mild confusion and mild satisfaction, she wasn’t sure what he wanted out of her. He followed the shirt with her own pants and belt, and finished off by presenting Jemma with one of his own ties. He did it up for her because – well, he seemed to know where he was going with all this, and Jemma didn’t. But when he stepped away, out from between her and the mirror, she blinked in astonishment.

“I look different,” she said, and her voice was not tainted with melancholy this time, but flavoured with a spark of hope; of excitement.

“Still yourself,” Fitz offered. “If you feel okay.”

“I do! But I don’t – I mean, I don’t understand,” Jemma said, confused. “You didn’t change anything, I already basically dress like this, why –“

She met his eyes, and the depth of his suggestion that she had somehow missed before began to sink in.

“I changed the cut of the shirt,” Fitz explained. “That changes the shape of your body, which might be why it’s more comfortable to look at your reflection now. And, just a point of interest, that belt you’ve been wearing for years is a man’s belt, too.”

“Men’s belts are just better,” Jemma pointed out. “But the shirt, I - I’m not sure I get it. Change the shape of my body? Why?”

Fitz had been hoping the physical sensations of the new outfit would do a lot more of the explaining for him, but since that apparently was not to be, he took a deep breath and let it spill.

“You remember that night, about three months or so ago, you said your body felt different and wrong and you weren’t sure why? That’s called dysphoria, and it’s a common sign of – well, of being… transgender. Other common things you’ve been doing are, wearing men’s clothes - although admittedly that’s a weak one, wearing a singlet - which can mean a desire to bind your chest or even get rid of your breasts - and showing preference for a neutral rather than gendered name and pronouns.”

“A what-now?”

“It’s hard to notice because people don’t often talk about you in third person when you’re present, but think about it. Like, for example, just off the top of my head: you hate being called Miss or Jemma. You’ve always preferred Doctor, Agent, or Simmons. You even introduce yourself to your friends by your last, gender-neutral name.”

“So do you!”

“That’s a point to me, though.”

Jemma pouted, her logic thwarted.

“I like it when you call me Jemma,” she retorted.

“Yes, because it’s your name. You also don’t have a screaming desire to have a penis, as far as I’ve noticed, but – look, just think about it, okay? Obviously, I can’t tell you what’s in your head, but I’ve got a pretty unique lens to view this stuff through and I thought it was worth a mention.”

“Is that why you stuffed my pants with – what is this, socks?” Jemma stuffed a hand down her pants and tossed them away. “I’m happy with my – my lower half just how it is, thank you. And isn’t the penis, you know, sort of the point? Not that I think you’re right. I’m just curious.”

Fitz snorted. Not that I think you’re right was always a good sign, if not a dead giveaway, and after all their years together he still wasn’t sure whether Jemma even noticed that she said it.

“No, the penis isn’t part of it for a lot of people. Some people don’t even bind their chests, or even want to. Or they do some days and not others. Bodies and genders are weird and complex. You know that.”

“I do.” Jemma sighed, and studied her reflection again. There was a long moment of surprisingly heavy silence, and Fitz almost offered to leave the room from the sheer weight of it, except that Jemma reached out for him.

“Actually,” she said. “Do you think – could we try that binding thing after all?”

With this new knowledge, experimental though it was, Simmons roamed through her life in a new way. Reading Fitz’s notes, and remembering and discovering new feelings and new inconsistencies along the way, she became they, as the landscape of gender shifted before them. Through slips in conversation, Jemma turned back into Simmons, for the most part, and the little J. became a friendly reminder of this discovery of self. They researched gender, and gender dysphoria, and found a whole slew of anxiety symptoms that coincided with gender dysphoria and could have hidden it for so long. They were especially relieved to find that many of these symptoms abated beyond what they’d thought possible, the more they settled into themselves.

For his part, Fitz was ceaselessly supportive. He rolled with Jemma’s feminine days, Simmons’ masculine ones, and the ones in between as best he could. He brought ties and unpinched shirts, and a man’s watch that he thought wouldn’t be too ridiculously huge on Simmons’ relatively small arm. This, he presented to them for their birthday, along with a proper binder that was safe and supportive. He helped them put it on and together they both stood in front of the mirror once more.

“It’s beautiful, Fitz, thank you,” Simmons said, admiring their figure. The singlet-like binder itself didn’t look anything special, but it felt like a hug, and when they put a shirt on over it – even one of their more feminine blouses – there was something about it that felt right. They smiled, and turned to lean up on their toes and kiss Fitz.

Pulling away, though, their smile dropped a little. Fitz caught their hands, frowning with concern.

“What is it, love?” he wondered.

“I was just thinking,” Simmons said. “I think it’s time to tell the others. I’m not sure how they’ll take it. What it’ll mean.”

“I think you forget that our best friend is an alien superweapon,” Fitz pointed out. “The team can probably handle a little gender shake-up. And as for what it’ll all mean – well, to me what it means is you might not be my beautiful wife, but my handsome partner instead, and that as well as being in love with such a wonderful, intelligent, kind and powerful person, I have the privilege of knowing that I helped them become more balanced, more content and better at one with themselves in the world.”

“You already should have known that long before all this, Fitz. You’ve made me happier since the day I met you.”

“I beg to differ.”

“I was talking overall net increase.”

“Okay. I’ll let you have that one. Or is it myself I’m letting have..?”

Laughing, Simmons knotted their fingers between Fitz’s and swung their arms apart in a wide circle, opening a gate through which they could lean forward and up on their toes again to kiss Fitz’s teasing smile off his face. They leaned on his chest for a while, and eventually Fitz untangled their fingers and wrapped his arms around them. They looked up at him, eyes sparkling with hope and love and Fitz thought he must be looking back with rather the same expression. Simmons smiled at him.

“I’m serious, Fitz,” they said. “You make me eternally happy. Especially these last few weeks; thanks for helping me find my feet in this mess. You’ve been incredible. So knowledgeable and supportive. Really, I can only dream to one day repay the favour.”

Fitz snorted softly, too fondly to be derisive, and Simmons knew what was coming before he said it:

“You already have.”

#fitzsimmons #fsfic #thefitzsimmonsnetwork #aosficnet2 #trans!simmons #trans!fitz #prompt me stuff #clara's fic tag #happy pride!

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tenyearsapeasant · 7 years

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40. Marriage

When a man is grown he must want a wife; when a woman is grown she must want a husband. From presidents and princesses to smugglers and country girls, most everyone follows the rule. It's hard to imagine what the future of our species would be like if we stopped getting married.

In Libeishang, marriages were often arranged by the parents.

1. Taking a wife

I saw a wedding during my first winter in Libeishang. Zhang Qingkui was twenty-one, and marrying Ju Heilan, a woman from Gaokeng. She was nineteen.

At the time, we had just passed the peak of the Cultural Revolution. There was a fervor for new customs in the villages. Ju Heilan walked into Libeishang with a set of brand new red clothes. Qingkui's family hadn't set out a lavish feast; instead they shared a modest meal with just the two families.

When Ju Heilan was in Gaokeng, she became good friends with many of the sent-down youth. After all, they were about the same age, and had worked together. Soon after her marriage, one of the male sent-down youths stopped by Libeishang on the way back from the commune. They chatted in her house until lunch, when the couple invited him to stay for lunch.

When Qingkui's mother heard of this she was furious. How could they casually invite a young man from Gaokeng over for dinner? She was suspicious of something, and inquired loudly about it all through the village. She even sent someone to Gaokeng to investigate the situation. Later she realized it was all a misunderstanding. That sent-down youth might still be oblivious to the disturbance he caused in Libeishang that year.

By the summer of 1970, when Zhang Xiantong was getting married, the old customs were beginning to come back.

Zhang Famao was a major figure in the village and was quite busy managing the festivities. He found some dirty old gongs from somewhere in the production team's storehouse and cleaned them up. He got two old men to carry them and stand by the entrances to the village and Xiantong's house.

An old bronze gong.

The man standing at the village entrance kept watch on the road from Gaokeng. The moment the bride appeared, he began to strike the gong. The sound traveled into the village, setting off a flurry of activity. The children, even more excited than usual, ran back and forth, breathlessly reporting the latest situation.

A particularly energetic round of gong-ringing was followed by the sound of firecrackers. This meant that the bride had already crossed the threshold into the village. The children, red-faced, ran back from the entrance to Xiantong's house shouting, "She's coming, she's coming!"

The bride turned the corner, and the gong holder at Xiantong's house began to strike his own gong. Famao took the cigarette out of his mouth. This was in preparation for setting off an extra-long string of firecrackers that was one thousand firecrackers long. When the bride was about ten steps from Xiantong's door, the crowd began to cheer. The firecrackers were lit, and the bride stepped over the threshold in a deafening wave of sound. She was followed by a few of Xiantong's younger relatives, who he had sent ahead to escort the bride and carry the dowry.

Zhang Xiantong was wearing a new black suit, with a black hat to match. He didn't usually smoke, but he had a cigarette tucked behind his ear, and was joyfully handing out cigarettes to his guests.

At the time, the custom of welcoming the bride with suona (trans: a traditional Chinese horn) had not yet returned. But the villagers knew that Xue Zhiming and I could play a bit of harmonica, so our duty was to substitute for the suona. We stood by the door and played some songs of the revolution when she stepped through. But the firecrackers were too loud, and I couldn't hear what I was playing at all.

The bride rested a short while before coming into the front room with the groom. Xue Zhiming and I were huffing and puffing on our harmonicas. I don't remember what song we played exactly, but it was probably something like the soaring "Sailing the Seas Depends on the Helmsman." When we finished, the ceremony officially began. Famao was the MC. He beamed as he pronounced, "In the year one thousand nine hundred and seventy of the People's Republic of China..."

The newlyweds paid their respects to the sky, the earth, their parents, and each other. Famao finished with "Bear a son who will be successful...let us deliver the bride and groom into the bridal chamber."

There were three tables set out for the feast. We seated ourselves excitedly. The first round of drinks had barely been poured when a villager shouted, "Bride, bride! Come refill the wine!" We fell silent, looking at the door. The bride did not come out.

Only after the third round of drinks and countless summonings did the bride demurely step out of the bridal chamber. She had changed out of her bridal clothes. She took the tin decanter and shyly poured wine for us. Some of the mischievous villagers intentionally withdrew their bowls at the last second. Then wine would splash onto their clothes, and they would heckle her, asking her to wash their clothes as if she were their wife. The laughter during the feast seemed to shake the shingles on the roof.

The next day, when we were working in the fields, a villager told me, "Old Xia, that thing you played at Xiantong's wedding yesterday sounded pretty good!"

Xue Zhiming and I knew that we weren't good at harmonica. In Shanghainese we'd call it "呀呀污(ya ya wu, mediocre)." The villager was probably impressed by its novelty.

A National Light brand harmonica in C.

2. Marrying away daughters

Our neighbor Zhou Enshao was contemplative in the wake of Xiantong's wedding. He said, "I can't believe the bride's father didn't ask for a bride price. Maybe it's because he's a Communist, and has no interest in it."

Curious, I asked, "What's a bride price? The man's family has to give the woman's family something?"

Old Zhou said, "Of course! Take my daughter Nianying for example. I don't know how much love and care we've put into raising her. When she leaves for another family, shouldn't we ask for a bride price? Nianying's seventeen now. I've already gotten someone to write a list of the bride price, and arranged a marriage with the Liu family of Gangkou village. As long as they finish paying the bride price, she'll get married when she turns eighteen next year.

I was skeptical. Wasn't this just another way of selling your daughter? I asked Old Zhou, "What sort of thing is on the list?"

He smiled, saying, "Six hundred yuan, a hundred and twenty pounds of pork, ten pounds of moon cakes, two new sets of khaki clothes, two new coats, two hats, and some other things that I can't remember."

He stopped and thought for a bit, and continued, "They say that 'You can't see raising a daughter as investing rice, and you can't see feeding a pig as investing feed.' Can this bride price pay for the cost of raising Nianying?" He sighed. "And now they're just going to take my daughter away."

The women in Libeishang were expected to spend their twentieth birthday in their husband's house. If she wasn't married by then, she would go hide in the mountains for a day instead of staying in her own home.

The next year, Zhou Nianying was married on time. Zhou Enshao was an outsider in Libeishang, so there wasn't much ceremony about it. His son-in-law brought a few relatives from Gangkou and escorted Nianying to her new home.

Soon after Nianying's marriage, Zhang Baimao's daughter Sanying was going to be married. Baimao was pretty well off, and had prepared a dowry far ahead of time.

The day before her marriage there was a "face revealing" ceremony. This began with Sanying sitting on a bench while her mother removed extra hairs on Sanying's face with a thread. This marked her passage into womanhood, and it was now appropriate for her to threadher own face.

On the morning of Sanying's marriage, her dowry was placed in the hall. I remembered seeing some boxes, as well as some makeup. According to tradition, the bride was not supposed to set foot in her own house on her wedding day. So she had to stay in her bed. Her family helper her wash up, get dressed, and eat breakfast in bed. Her mother sat by the bed, providing advice about what and what not to do. She talked about how to manage the relationship with her husband, and with his parents, and such. They realized it was coming time to say goodbye, and tears welled in their eyes. The daughter was the first to cry.

Just then there was some hubbub outside. Apparently the escorts from the` groom's wedding party were here. When her mother heard, she quickly dried her tears and put herself together to welcome them.

The groom's party had also brought the last of the bride price. They had put it in the hall, and a few dogs were circling it, sniffing it curiously. The wedding party was sitting around the dining table, drinking, smoking, and snacking on peanuts and pastries. The leader finished his cigarette and stood up, saying, "Let's go. There's still much to do when we get back."

The others stood up too, and carried the dowry out. Sanying's mother cried out, but quickly dried her tears. According to tradition, she began to sing the story her daughter's life. "Sanying, you life has been so hard, when you were born your mother didn't have any milk..." At this, Sanying also began to sob. Her father walked in, dressed neatly. He put new shoes on her feet, picked her up, and walked towards the village gate. Her mother followed behind, crying, "One year you fell in the pond, and I had to come save you. You were holding on to my clothes so tightly..."

Outside the village threshold there was a shiny tandem bicycle. This substituted for the traditional palanquin. The groom's party stood next to the bicycle. Sanying's father brought her over the threshold and placed her on the back seat. Her mother sang by the threshold, "Show piety towards your parents-in-law and wake up early, and be thoughtful when you're taking care of your husband..."

By now the mother's tears had dried.

Outside the threshold, one of the groomsmen who knew how to ride a bike rode off along the road. The rest picked up the dowry and jogged after them, fading into the distance.

After her marriage, the daughter was to stay for two nights with her new family before coming back for a night. This was called "the third day." Of course she was overjoyed to be back. Even though they had only been separated for two days, there was much to talk about. Sanying's old friends in Libeishang had mostly gotten married already, and swarmed her when she left her house. "How is it? Does your husband treat you well?" "Are the in-laws mean to you?" "Do they like your food?"

For Sanying's parents, her return at the end of the third day marked the conclusion of her marriage ceremony.

In my latter years in Libeishang, the traditional suona had been reinstated. During important ceremonies like marriage, the villagers would always have some on hand. The sound was loud and high pitched, and generations of people had associated it with celebration. Nobody asked me to play harmonica for these ceremonies again.

Suona, which the villagers called 哈叭, haba.

As the traditions began to come back, the bride prices became more and more elaborate. The monetary price grew to eight hundred yuan. They began to include two or three hundred pounds of pork. Khaki cloth was no longer fashionable, and that switched to polyester. Moon-cakes would start at a hundred pounds.

The groom's side would say, "How are you going to eat a hundred pounds of moon-cakes?"

The bridal side would respond, "We'll take less, but only if you give us sixty yuan."

Some people say that Chinese people are born businesspeople, natural merchants like the Arabs. Maybe this has some truth.

I once had a template for these bridal price lists. The villagers asked me to write them on red paper. I've tried looking for it since, but to no avail. I hope it's hiding in a corner somewhere, waiting to jump out at me and give me a good surprise.

3. Dating

Marriage in Libeishang was managed by the parents. After initial negotiations, the prospective partners would go through a simple dating process.

The young man would be brought by his father to the young woman's house. They would chat with her family for a bit, drinking water or wine and eating dried fruit.

When they had gotten comfortable, the woman's parents would bring her out of her room, wearing a clean set of clothes. She'd blush and look down, and sit on a bench far away from her future husband. Occasionally she'd sneak a glance at him.

The man stared at his future wife, but she would look down, making it hard to see her face. The hall was also quite dark, and the woman would be backlit, so she was almost a silhouette. What a shame.

After a short time, the woman would go back into her room, and the man and his father would take their leave. If they didn't oppose it then it counted as agreement.

After this, the two families would begin negotiations about the bride price. This involved arguing over every item on the list, and attempt to find a solution that was beneficial to all parties involved. Finally the terms were written down on paper, which was effectively a binding contract. Can you say that the villagers lack the "contract spirit" of Westerners?

Speaking of which, I've been on such a date before.

I have a cousin who worked in Jingxian prefecture, near Nanchang. She brought the wife of the director of the prefecture lumber industry's to Shanghai to see the doctor in about 1974. She stopped by my house, where my mother asked her if she could get me re-stationed to Jingxian. After all, Jingxian was closer to Shanghai, and was right on the railroad.

At the end of the year, my mother sent me a letter, asking me to go to my cousin's house in Jingxian on my way home. She said the transfer to Jingxian seemed to have progressed.

It's hard to disobey your mother. It was on the way, so I went to Jingxian. My cousin and her husband welcomed me warmly. He told me, it was hard to get me transferred to Jingxian, but it would be easy if I began to date someone here. So they had arranged a date with some vice director's daughter for me.

Oh! So this was happening. I had not prepared myself at all.

The next morning, the girl came to my cousin's house. She introduced the two of us and left.

The girl looked down, blushing, and didn't say anything. It was just like the expression on the Libeishang girls' faces. She didn't respond to any questions I asked her, so I just talked to myself. I found this boring to say the least.

After about half an hour, the date was over, and the girl left. My cousin came in and asked me how it went. I could only tell the truth, and also mentioned that I wasn't in a hurry to leave Yongfeng. I asked her to not find any more girlfriends for me. I told her that I had plenty of income in Yongfeng to live on my own. I also recounted an instance in which my aunt, who was living in Hangzhou at the time, sent me some money. After some discussion with the local postman we decided to send it back. I asked my cousin to not worry about me.

This was my only such date.

When I was in Jingxian, my cousin brought me to see the director's wife that she had brought to Shanghai. She was very friendly with my cousin. When they saw each other, she said, "Too many people have been giving us gifts recently. There are too many pastries to eat, you should take some."

My cousin repeatedly refused, at which the director's wife said, "I don't have any choice. Our chickens are eating these pastries now because otherwise they'll go bad."

When I heard this, the first thing that came to mind was the old saying, "The stench of wine and meat hangs around the Zhu family door, while the poor die of starvation on the street."

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