#If we are being completely real the sentence is probably about the Doctor discovering they can find people hot now

[capybaraonabicycle]

Doctor: Huh, is that who I am now?

Donna: It was never that far from the surface, mate.

Doctor: frowns Yes, it was! You know I used to be a woman. And that made people... assume all sorts of stuff. And - and pretending to be Graham's wife for five minutes was bad enough but - Byron? That was torture. Does the man ever stop talking?

Donna: Takes one to know one

Doctor: Oi! I just mean, there were all these men people assumed I would be into and I - and I just - I just wanted -

Donna: I know, darling.

Doctor: softly I just wanted Yaz.

Donna: I know. - There was one man, though, remember?

Doctor: No, there wasn't! I don't fancy the Master!

Donna: ...

Doctor: Okay, fine. But the Master isn't a man. He's like me! Flexible - uh - timelord gender and stuff.

Donna: Sure.

Doctor: So, anyway, I have always been primarily into wom-

Donna: What about Jack Harkness?

Doctor: - Jack doesn't count, everyone fancies Jack.

Donna: ...fair enough.

[sacredsorceress]

Secrets (Four) || Bucky Barnes

pairing: bucky barnes x reader

summary: when you wake up in the avengers compound after being saved by bucky, sam and nat, you discover that something’s changed.

a/n: thank you for all your feedback!! reblogs and replies are super appreciated!

word count: 2.7k

warnings: arguing, swearing, angst

Prologue, One, Two, Three

masterlist || request || taglist

Opening your eyes, blinking to clear your vision, you were immediately met with ice coating the ceiling above you despite feeling as though you were locked in a sauna.

“What the-”

Sitting up in your bed, you tried to piece together where you were, why you were here and what had just happened, but all you could see was the concrete room you were sat in with nothing but a bright light shining above you and frost coating every inch of the room.

Suddenly the events of the day all came back to you- the men in your house, being kidnapped, being locked in a container to freeze to death... the truth about your husband.

Bucky.

The last thing you remembered were his eyes meeting yours on the other side of the glass.

Despite years of marriage and precious memories, all that flooded your brain were the images of the Winter Soldier- masked and ready to kill. All you could hear were the screams of his victims and those who fled at the sight of him. 

All you could feel was fear.

“You’re awake.” You heard an unfamiliar voice declare.

Snapping your attention towards the door of the room you hadn’t even noticed was there, you recognized the very familiar red-headed Avenger standing in the doorway.

“Wait, you’re.... are you-” You stumbled over your words. “Where am I?”

Carefully stepping into the room, closing the door behind her, Natasha slowly made her way over to your bed.

“You’re at the Avengers Compound.” She informed you. “Do you remember anything?”

You thought then that she might have been glad to learn that you had retained your memory, but you sure wished you hadn’t.

“More than I’d like to.” You said.

Shooting you a sad smile, her gloved hands pulled up the chair next to your bed, seating herself beside you. As she did you finally took in her appearance, noting the large jacket she was wearing, the hood over her head and thick gloves on her hands, meanwhile you felt as though you were soaking in your own sweat.

“God, how are you wearing that?” You asked, pointing at her jacket. “It’s so hot in here.”

Chuckling, she leaned back in her chair.

“Well when you’re ninety degrees, I guess an ice rink would feel a little warm.”

Furrowing your eyebrows, you sat up straighter in your bed.

“Ninety degrees?” You asked. “Shouldn’t I be dead by now?”

“That’s what we all thought.”

Squeezing your eyes shut, you remembered the feeling of the frost hitting your skin when you were enclosed in the container, the sounds of the cold air rushing out of its walls. You were trapped, feeling the biting cold in a way you never had before. So cold that when the frost began to form over the glass, your husband’s eyes meeting yours, all you could feel was the cooling sense of exhaustion wash over you as you closed your eyes and fell into a deep slumber.

“How long have I been out?” You asked.

Just as Natasha was opening her mouth, you heard a voice coming from the other side of the room.

“Two days.”

Your eyes snapping open, you turned your attention immediately to the man in the doorway. When you saw your husband standing in the threshold, you felt your heart begin to race in your chest as you scrambled back against the bed frame.

“You.” You said, swallowing, the word venomous in your mouth.

Hearing the word slip out of your mouth almost as though it were a cruse, Bucky’s eyes widened and he began to feel his heart beat against his chest.

He knew then that the consequence of the secret he had been keeping for years was now staring him back in the face.

“Y/n-” He eased, taking another step forward.

Grabbing the pillow from behind your back, you tossed it at him.

“You lied to me!” You shouted. “You fucking lied to me all these years. I- it’s sick!”

Letting the pillow hit his chest, he began to feel sick.

He had known deep down that someday his past would come back to haunt him. Even deeper down he knew that someday you would discover the truth, but he had hoped to be gone by then, leaving you to hate him once he could no longer feel your wrath. He had shoved down the idea of the look on your face when you found out for years, but now as he stood there, his own nightmares playing out before him, he just wished he had told the truth sooner.

The consequence of losing you and never having you was better than knowing your love and having it tainted with hatred by his own hand.

“Doll,” He said your pet name, his shoulders slouching.

“No!” You shouted, pushing yourself off of the bed. “You don’t get to call me that anymore! God, did ever even feel bad about lying to your own wife?”

He did.

He felt awful every time he made up some lie about his past. He felt awful every time he told you he had no family, no friends. He even felt awful every morning when he lied to you about where he was going off to work every day.

It had been eating away at him for years.

He had told himself that it was for the best, but he realized now that he didn’t do it for you, but entirely for himself. He had been so incredibly selfish and you were now paying for his crimes.

“Of course I did.” Bucky said so low, it was nearly a whisper. “Of course I felt bad, Y/n.”

Before you could reply, you heard another knock on the door, it cracking open slightly.

“Oh thank God.” Natasha said from her seat when she saw Bruce and Sam.

Dropping your hands to your sides, you turned away from your husband, instead focussing your attention on the two Avengers now entering the icy space.

Before anyone could speak, however, the man you recognized as Captain America made his way over to you, reaching his gloved hand out for you to shake.

“It’s nice to meet you, Y/n.” He said, giving you a soft smile. “I’m Sam. I wish we could’ve met under better circumstances, but...”

Glaring at Bucky, you shook Sam’s hand.

“Sam.” You said. “It’s so nice to finally meet you too.”

Your eyes still on your husband, the three others in the room glanced between one another before Bruce cleared his throat.

“Y- you’re probably wondering about the ice in the room,” Bruce said

“You could say that.”

“Well, while you were out for the past couple of days we had some of the best doctors we know examine you,” Bruce explained. “I understand that this may be... difficult... to understand, but this- this ice- it’s-”

“It’s coming out of you.” Sam said finally, finishing Bruce’s sentence for him.

Quirking your eyebrows at the three members of the group of Avengers, you thought for a second before shaking your head, laughing.

“You’re joking, right?” You asked. “You have to be kidding.”

This couldn’t be real. There was no possible way you actually had ice coming out of your body. This wasn’t you. This wasn’t real.

Standing up from her seat, Natasha crossed her arms.

“When you were in cryo, you were in temperatures nobody comes back from.” She said, seriously. “You should be dead right now. No one knows why you’re still here.”

Lifting your hands from your sides to stare at your palms, you attempted to digest the information the three of them had just fed you.

You were alive when every logical answer said you shouldn't have been. You had abilities that no other living person did.

You were supposed to be at home, spending the weekend with your children. You were supposed to wait for your completely honest husband to walk in the doors of your home and kiss him hello.

But now you were standing there, being told that you had changed- transformed. You were different than you were before. You didn’t feel warm and fuzzy, but cold and distraught.

Feeling the anger course through your veins, tears meeting your eyes, you stared at your palms and in a flash, frost burst forth from the center of your hand.

Jumping back, you rapidly closed your hands into a fist, feeling your heart thumping against your chest.

“I understand that this is hard to take in-” Banner attempted.

“I’m... I’m a monster.” You said, staring up at them with wide eyes. “I have ice coming out of my hands!”

Gazing at you from the other side of the room, watching the fear in your eyes behind the tears begging to break free, Bucky felt incredibly guilty.

He had known what you were going through because he had gone through the same himself. He had woken up only to discover that he had become a super  soldier with a metal arm- that he was no longer Bucky Barnes- but someone else- someone different.

He would have never wished the experience on his worst enemy, never mind the woman he cared for most in the world, but you were experiencing it nonetheless. You were in it because of him.

He had told himself that he was trying to protect you, but in the end he had forced you into a life you had never asked for.

He felt his heart shatter in his chest watching you fall apart before everyone.

All he wished was for him to be able to go over to you, to hold you in his arms despite the cold bite of ice that was sure to frost over him as soon as his skin met yours, but he knew he couldn’t. He knew you didn’t want him to.

“Y/n that’s not true.” Sam said. “I know it might feel that way, but you’re still you and Bruce is going to figure out a way for you to control it. I know it seems bad, but you’re going to be okay. You’re a part of our family now. We’ll figure it out, alright?”

Wrapping your arms around yourself, you nodded.

“Okay.”

As much as you were in shock, you trusted the three individuals in front of you. They hadn’t given you a reason not to- they had risked their lives to save you and even now when you felt they owed you nothing, they were working their best to help you.

“I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.” You said. “Really. I think I just need some space right now.”

“I understand.” Sam nodded. “If you need anything, we’ll be right outside.”

Without a word the others followed him as he left the room and you slowly made your way over to your bed, sitting on the edge of it, placing your head in your hands.

“I’m so sorry, Y/n.”

Shaking your head you pulled your face out of your hands.

“What part of ‘I need space’ don’t you understand, Buck?” You asked.

You heard his footsteps slowly cross over the room to you.

“I need to say something-”

Of course he did.

“Oh that’s rich, James!” You scoffed. “Funny how now you have something to say. Funny how you didn’t say anything when we started dating, or got married, or God- had children together.”

“Y/n-”

“It’s just so insane to me how you could go all this time without saying anything.” You continued. “How could you even look yourself in the mirror-”

“Fuck, Y/n, just listen to me!” He shouted, standing in front of your spot on the bed. “I fucked up really bad- I know that. I know I shouldn’t have done it, but can’t you see why I did it? I was so afraid you’d be ashamed of me because of what I am and I thought I was protecting you-”

Feeling the ice beginning to shoot out of your palm, you pushed yourself off of the bed, pointing your finger into your husband’s chest.

“I’m ashamed to have a liar as a husband.” You said, knowing just how much the words stung for him, but you felt nothing but ice flowing through you at the moment in the heat of rage. “How could you think this was protecting us? How could you think keeping the truth from me was protecting our kids? You not only put me in danger but my kids, Buck.”

“They’re my kids too, Y/n.” Bucky said.

“Are they?” You asked. “Because I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

You watched as he stepped back, his back hitting the icy wall behind him. He had known you were angry, he even knew that he deserved every harsh word you were throwing at him, but to hear you dismiss him so entirely- to almost denounce him from your life- made him feel a pain that even his worst days in Hydra or in recovery could never rival.

“I- I mean I don't even know who I am anymore, Buck.” You said throwing your arms in the air. “I mean look at this. Look at this room! Nobody can even touch my hand without gloves or without bundling up like they’re going to the fucking North Pole!”

Backing away from him, you held your face in your hands once again.

“I don’t even recognize myself and I’m all alone.” You said, lowering your voice. “I- I can’t even hug my kids- I can’t see my kids. It’s so hot in this room to me but everything just feels so cold and empty. I just wish you didn’t fucking lie to me because it would be so much easier to not hate you the way I do right now. Looking at you makes me want to scream but, God, I feel so alone.”

Beginning to feel a sob catch in your throat, your head still in your hands and the tears turning to ice when they met your palms, you felt the cool touch of Bucky’s vibranium hand meet your arm. 

Shrugging him off, you shook your head.

“As much as I fucking hate you right now, you can’t touch me, James.” You said. “I’ll just hurt you.”

He knew that. He knew the biting sting of your ice against his skin. He had spent the past two days sitting by your unconscious side and no matter how many times the others told him to keep his gloves on at all times, your touch mattered more. They brought more warmth than any glove could- no matter how cold your hands were.

Seeing you breakdown in front of him, despite all of the harsh words you had thrown at him, he was sure he felt his heart break in his chest. You didn’t deserve this pain. You didn’t deserve this suffering. You didn’t deserve to be alone.

Resting his vibranium hand on your arm once again, the frost slowly creeping up his arm, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Wrapping both of his arms around you, he pulled you into his embrace. Rather than shrugging him off and pulling away, you wrapped your arms tightly around his torso, digging your face into his bundled up chest, sobbing.

Feeling a chill run throughout his body at your touch, he rest his chin on the top of your head, running his frozen vibranium arm up and down your back.

Although he knew that all was not forgiven, and that things would not be the same or even okay for a long time- if at all- all that mattered to him in that moment was that you weren’t alone. No matter the ice that overtook his body when you were in his embrace, the warmth that you brought him would never grow cold.

Going into cyro ten thousand times would be worth just one second of your peace and he would do whatever it took for you to forgive him for his mistakes that you now bore the consequences of.

[scripttorture]

You likely don't follow Dream Smp but there was just a reveal that one person (Character A) is torturing another (Character B, former villain, now in prison) for info on necromancy while the warden of the prison gave CA the equipment to do it and is ignoring CB's screams for help. And half the fandom is trying to justify it with "oh, CB deserves it for threatening to kill a child, killing (1/2)

another child (who he then revived, not justifying /that/ though) and manipulating/abusing the latter." Not only that, but so many people are telling off anyone who pointing out how messed up it is (and don't worry, the story itself so far is showing that it's messed up and won't work) with "it's just fiction, get over it." Like I am legit concerned over how many people are claiming it's cathartic and the character deserves it for their actions. Rant over I guess (2/2) (Dream smp anon) And I forgot to add that this character was /already/ being tortured; he has been in complete solitary confinement for upwards of 2 months and is being starved) and was actively self-harming and destroying items in his cell in a bid to get the warden to come replace them (looking for social interactions, even if it was negative) and people STILL thought that wasn't "enough of a punishment"

-

I have no idea what this show? Comic? Piece of media is but I’m happy to give my opinion on the general situation and use of violence in fiction*.

 But I’m not here to take sides in fandom wars and the aim of this blog is not to tell people they can’t write about violence or abuse. It’s to make people think about how it’s used in stories and hopefully create something that’s more realistic and respectful to real survivors.

 At the end of the day the reason I’m interested in fiction is because it effects our perception of real survivors. When so much of our popular media is unrealistic in ways that demean survivors that has an effect. I want to remind people that while the violent acts we write about are fiction, similar acts are happening to real people today.

 Torture survivors are real. They’re human and they deserve respect.

 Here’s the thing Anon, the people you’re mad at are real too. And the characters that sparked this are not.

 There’s nothing wrong with having a strong emotional respond to fiction. There’s nothing wrong with getting frustrated with how pigheaded or outright bigoted fandom can be. But it is worth questioning whether responding to this kind of thing is worth it.

 Arguments over fictional characters can become extremely heated and result in real world harm. And so long as you’re engaging with stuff in a purely fictional context… well I think the chances of being dismissed, belittled etc are significantly higher. (Note however that being dismissed and belittled still happens when you’re dealing with torture in the real world.)

 This is not fair. That does not change other people’s responses or the cultural climate.

 I will be blunt; if you are writing and reading in English the majority of fans you deal with will be Western and white. I have personally found this intersection very likely to treat violence as something purely fictional. I have found them unlikely to consider torture as a reality unless they are prompted to.

 And from my side of things that prompting is often like dropping an anvil on someone’s foot during the conversation.

 Believe me I get it. It is infuriating to see real, deadly torture techniques interpreted as harmless. It is hurtful seeing torture victims blamed for their own suffering. This happens on the news as often as it does in fandom so the fact these feelings are being set off by something fictional doesn’t make a lot of difference. Because these arguments are used in the real world against real people.

 Seeing torture apologia touted as this weeks hot take is something you are allowed to be mad about. I’d be a hypocrite if I said otherwise.

 But educating other people is hard work and you are talking about a piece of media aimed at children. You are probably talking to children. If you’re a teenager yourself it might be hard to hear it put like that.

 It’s still true.

 If you really want to have these conversations in your fandom then you need to centre the reality. Underestimating or dismissing the damage solitary confinement and starvation do to people is serious because it props up real world systems of abuse. Because it justifies ‘tough’ sentences to level of isolation that leave people mutilated by their own hand, or unable to function in society. Or dead. Because it leads to doctors ‘prescribing’ diets used in death camps.

 Here’s the thing, talking about that reality to children is a fraught process. Especially when they’re children who don’t have any experience of seeing this stuff. And unless you’re their parent or teacher educating them is not your job.

 Sending them down an internet rabbit hole that leads to photos of real injuries, real torture, real mass graves… I think that has the potential to go very badly.

 Enjoying something and then discovering that the fandom is toxic is unpleasant. But my impression is that’s the problem here: the fandom interactions are leaving you feeling like shit.

 Disengage.

 You do not need the fandom to enjoy uh… whatever Dream smp is. You do not need their permission and if the fandom is a negative space for you, you are allowed to leave.

 If some of these people are your friends then by all means try to privately explain why their words hurt you and use this blog as a resource. But ask yourself how much you want to be friends first because that is a long painful process that might not work.

 Torture apologia is everywhere and fixing it is going to take decades.

 Accept that you can not control other people’s actions. Accept that some people will always be assholes.

 If seeing torture apologia hurts you then… you probably need to find a piece of media without torture to enjoy. Because apologia is so present that I think that’s the only way to completely avoid coming across it in fandom.

 Once again I understand. I’ve volunteered to be bombarded with this stuff every day. It is upsetting. It is also embedded our global culture and the popular media exported to every single nation on the planet.

 Constantly being confronted with it and stewing in that anger and hurt is unhealthy.

 Step back. Do something else for a while. Take a look at this post I made last week. You might find some of the advice on dealing with these feelings helpful.

 You can not make people care. Hopefully most of the people you’re talking to will grow and learn and become more compassionate people. But you can’t force that process.

 And you don’t have to deal with their bullshit while they’re still growing.

 Shouting at other people isn’t always helpful and it isn’t activism. If you want to do something constructive there are a lot of organisations that would gladly accept your money and your time.

 Here’s a couple that seem relevant:

Just Detention

Solitary Watch

The World Food Programme

Amnesty International

 I hope that helps. :)

Available on Wordpress.

Disclaimer

*I asked a friend to explain what Dream Smp is and I’ll be honest I still don’t understand it. But hey I got an idea of the target audience which helps. Please don’t explain Minecraft to me any more let me rest.

[twinklysmiles]

Not a Word of This to Anyone! (Or: A Ticklish Spa Day)   Part 1: Pedicure

A Star Trek Tickle Fic

Fandom: Star Trek TOS / AOS Characters: Leonard Bones McCoy, James T. Kirk (McKirk at a stretch), Nyota Uhura, Christine Chapel  Warnings: Tickling  Word Count: 2,488

Summary: Kirk and McCoy get roped into joining Chapel and Uhura on a spa day, which turns out to be a rather ticklish experience. They seriously regret their decision as they helplessly suffer through a pedicure and a full body massage.

Inspired by this gif:  (although I can actually picture AOS Kirk and McCoy even better in this one)

“So, what are you up to today, girls?” Kirk asked Uhura and Chapel over breakfast in the luxurious hotel most of his crew had booked into for shore leave on this amazing recreation planet’s gorgeous “Earth Island”, a resort specifically designed to cater to human tastes and needs. They had certainly earned some real R&R after what they’d been through recently.

“Oh, we’re treating ourselves to a long overdue spa day, aren’t we?” Uhura beamed, glancing at Chapel and sighing contentedly. “Want to join us?”

“Where’s Spock?” McCoy cut in quickly, hoping to distract Kirk before he started to seriously consider Uhura’s suggestion. “Is he skipping breakfast today? I haven’t seen him yet.”

Knowing Jim, the doctor was afraid that the captain might actually take Uhura up on her offer, and he really didn’t want to have a spa day. The thought of having his body touched and prodded for a whole day made him uneasy. He was … sensitive.

“Spock, Scotty and Pavel already left for a conference on warp engineering or whatever,” Uhura replied, rolling her eyes at the idea of wasting precious shore leave time on something like that.

To McCoy’s regret, however, Chapel took up the spa day subject again.

“So, what’s your answer, Captain? Doctor? Are you coming with us? Treat yourselves to some pampering, too?”

“I don’t think that’s for us,” McCoy muttered, casting Kirk a glance that clearly said, ‘Don’t even think about it!’ Which, of course, only served to pique the captain’s interest even more.

“Don’t be a spoilsport, Bones!” he exclaimed, giving McCoy his broadest grin. “I think that’s a splendid idea! We should definitely try it!”

“Oh, come on, Doctor,” Chapel chimed in. “You, of all people, seriously need to relax!”

“And I will,” McCoy insisted, “just not at a spa!”

“You’re not turning into a macho man, are you, Leonard?” Uhura teased, and the doctor knew that she had him. He just couldn't let her get away with an accusation like this.

“All right,” he grudgingly agreed, “maybe for a couple of hours. What are you starting with?”

“A pedicure,” Chapel smiled. “They’re so relaxing!”

“A pedicure?” McCoy gulped, sounding almost as horror-stricken as he felt. “How on earth can that be relaxing? I couldn't handle a pedicure, I’m far too…”

He broke off midsentence, catching himself just in time before giving away too much.

‘Ticklish!’ Chapel thought gleefully, silently completing the sentence.

That was why she’d suggested the pedicure in the first place. As a nurse, she knew a lot of intimate details about the crew members of the Enterprise, like people’s various tickle spots, for example, most of which were inevitably brought to light during physical exams. If a crew member was ticklish, Chapel probably knew it. And where, too. And she absolutely loved to exploit that knowledge a little, although no one would suspect.

McCoy, for example, was more than a little ticklish on the soles of his feet, as she’d found out when he’d sprained his ankle a while ago. Especially on his heels and the balls of his feet, which practically screamed for a little pedicure fun.

Chapel also knew that Kirk was seriously ticklish. He was incredibly sensitive on his belly. To the extent that she had to pin him down, his fingers desperately digging into her arms, whenever Dr. McCoy had to check his abdomen. She had no idea about the sensitivity of his feet, though. But she’d certainly like to find out.

“Well, let’s go!” Kirk threw his napkin on the table and got up. “Time’s a wastin’! There’s only so much shore leave left!”

McCoy shook his head at his friend’s enthusiasm, debating whether it was still possible for him to chicken out. But when he looked at the women’s challenging faces, he knew there was no way they’d ever let him live it down if he did. How he was supposed to live through a pedicure, however, he wasn’t so sure, either.

‘Dammit, I’ll somehow survive it,’ he thought, trying to convince himself.  After all, a lot of people got pedicures, and a lot of people were ticklish. Especially on their feet. Although maybe not as acutely as he was. He suppressed a shudder.

Besides, just like physicians, pedicurists were bound to be trained in how not to tickle, weren’t they? As a doctor, and being excruciatingly ticklish himself, he was always careful to make his touch as little ticklish as possible, always very attentive to any tell-tale reactions, and trying not to tickle his patients more than necessary.

‘Not so, Christine’, he thought wryly. Over the years, working with her, he’d almost got the impression that she actually enjoyed tickling patients, and rather liked to exploit tickle spots when she found them. He’d even wanted to talk to her about it several times, but found the issue too embarrassing. Too close to home. So, he’d contented himself with trying to keep her away from the more ticklish patients, at least the ones he knew of. Like Jim or Chekov.

oOoOoOoOoOo

Uhura and Chapel enjoyed themselves immensely, watching their friends having their pedicures. Like a lot of men, Jim and Leonard were clearly not used to having their feet touched, both of them quite obviously finding the procedure terribly ticklish, although dealing with it very differently.

While Kirk was just giggling away unashamedly, enjoying a good laugh and warning his pedicurist that he couldn't be held responsible for his reflexes and possible resulting injuries, if it tickled too much, as well as telling her that he didn’t think he could last all the way to the end, McCoy desperately tried to hide his growing distress, clearly deeply embarrassed about his ticklishness.

But Chapel guessed that his feet were way more ticklish than Kirk’s, and was pretty sure that he’d soon lose the fight. His lips pressed tightly together, his expression almost comically rigid, tears starting to spill from his eyes, he was a picture of ticklish agony.

No matter how hard he tried, the doctor couldn't hide what a harrowing ordeal this was for him. His spasming body treacherously betraying how the pedicurist’s ticklish touches were killing him. And she hadn’t even started on the serious scraping and scratching part, or used her super-weapon, the rotating pumice stone, yet.

Gripping the armrests of his chair so hard, his knuckles went completely white, McCoy did his best to keep a straight face and not show how unbearably it tickled. But the pedicurist, of course, immediately noticed his predicament and, exchanging a mischievous glance with her colleague working on Kirk’s feet, made her touches extra ticklish until the doctor finally burst out laughing and just couldn't stop again.

By the time the two pedicurists were done with their respective ‘victims’ first foot, the two Starfleet officers were a ticklish mess. Even Kirk’s laughter seemed forced now, and poor McCoy had nearly fallen off his chair several times, what with all his writhing and bucking.

And while the captain had issued a continuous, if incoherent stream of half-hearted pleas for mercy, which he’d seemed to get more serious about when his pedicurist had started to work his soles over with her spinning pumice stone, the doctor had been helpless to get a single word out from the moment he’d first erupted with laughter.

McCoy had been bouncing up and down in his seat like mad, shaking his head from side to side, holding on to the armrests for dear life, and visibly just hanging on by a thread, trying to somehow get through this excruciatingly ticklish ordeal.

Chapel couldn't tear her eyes away, mesmerised by how incredibly ticklish the doctor’s feet really were, and even Uhura was clearly enjoying the show.

Kirk regained his breath shortly after his pedicurist had finished his first foot, but it took McCoy almost a minute to calm down and stop giggling.

oOoOoOoOoOo

“Enough,” the doctor finally gasped, “one foot is enough for life.”

“Oh, don’t be an infant!” Chapel and Uhura said almost at the same time, then looked at each other and burst out laughing while McCoy gave them his best scowl.

“I’ve had more ticklish patients, believe me,” his pedicurist said, grinning widely, and McCoy blushed furiously, hating to have his embarrassing ticklishness so bluntly addressed. Then she cheekily added, “At least I didn’t have to strap you down!”, the mere idea almost giving the doctor a heart attack. “But usually,” she continued with a reassuring smile that could or could not have been sincere, “once you’ve made it through your first foot, the second one isn’t so bad anymore. Your feet just need some time to get used to the sensation.”

McCoy was just about to politely decline, much rather enduring Uhura’s and Chapel’s eternal teasing than going through such atrocious tickling again, when Kirk challenged him, “Come on, Bones, you’re tougher than that! If I can take it, so can you. Besides, we haven’t laughed nearly enough lately. And you always say “laughter is the best medicine”, don’t you?”

“I never say that,” the doctor grumbled, but when he saw three pairs of eyes wickedly smirking at him, he put his second foot back up on the footrest with a sigh. So, his friends had discovered his greatest, most shameful weakness. He’d show them that he could take this like a man.

Only he couldn't. Not even for a second. He regretted his foolish decision the moment the pedicurist put her first tickle tool to use on his sensitive sole, causing him to instantly double over and dissolve into uncontrollable laughter once more.

The sensation was so unbearably ticklish, he couldn't even beg her to stop again, the air being forced out of his lungs as he helplessly fell into silent laughter. It most certainly didn’t tickle any less than it had on the other foot. In fact, it seemed to tickle even worse. Pure, unadulterated tickle hell.

Just the pedicurist’s grip on his toes, as she trimmed and filed his nails, was insanely ticklish, but the torture multiplied, when she started scraping his calloused heels, and again, when she set to work on the horrendously sensitive balls of his feet. He wriggled around in his chair, covering his face with his hands and laughing harder than he could ever remember.

McCoy vaguely noticed Kirk howling with laughter next to him, too, but his considerations whether or not Jim’s other foot also seemed to be more ticklish, were cruelly cut short when his pedicurist turned on this diabolical pumice device, clearly invented by the devil himself with the sole purpose to tickle him to death.

Suffering through the longest, and certainly most humiliating minutes of his life, he didn’t even care what a ridiculous and sorry sight he must be anymore. All he cared about was for this horrendously ticklish nightmare to finally be over.

One might almost think the pedicurist was prolonging his ordeal on purpose, but then again, she might just be doing her job, without any intention to torture him. After all, his feet had always been unspeakably ticklish. Definitely his second most ticklish spot.

oOoOoOoOoOo

Watching the men writhe and wriggle, doubled up with laughter over a simple pedicure, was greatly entertaining for Uhura and Chapel. And when Uhura asked her friend in a whisper, “Do you think they’re tickling them deliberately?” the nurse just nodded with a huge grin on her face.

They certainly were. Not only were they still going strong, while the women’s feet were long finished, but even though Chapel knew that McCoy’s feet were horribly ticklish, and had anticipated the spinning pumice stones to seriously torment him, this was way more intense than your average pedicure.

She almost pitied Kirk and the doctor. Almost. It was just too much fun to see the strong and proud men being tickled out of their minds. For a tickle fiend like Chapel, this was almost too good to be true. But Uhura didn’t seem to mind too much, either, Christine thought wryly. But then, of course, it was “only tickling”, right?

When the men’s ordeal was finally over, and they slowly recovered, wiping the tears off their faces, McCoy taking considerably longer to regain his breath and his composure than Kirk, Chapel couldn't help feeling a little disappointed that the fun was over again already. Therefore, the pedicurists’ unexpected next words totally made her day.

“You poor guys!” McCoy’s pedicurist sweetly smiled at both men, the sympathy on her face appearing almost genuine. “You really have it bad, don’t you? To make up for all the suffering you’ve just gone through, we’d like to offer you a full body massage at half-price, if you’re interested.”

Kirk and McCoy immediately declined, clearly just wanting to get the hell out of this torture chamber, hopping off their chairs as soon as their tormentors released their feet, and hastily putting on their socks and shoes. But when one of the pedicurists grinned and gave Chapel and Uhura a mischievous wink, the two women instantly got the message and started talking their friends into accepting the offer.

“This is one of the most famous spas in the whole galaxy!” Uhura gushed. “You’re so lucky!”

“She’s right, Doctor! Captain?” Chapel agreed. “They’re always fully booked. People pay good money to even get a spot, and you’re being offered one right away. And at a 50% discount, too! You’d be crazy not to take it!”

oOoOoOoOoOo

“Thanks, but no, thanks,” McCoy croaked, his voice still hoarse from shrieking with laughter, a panicked look creeping onto his face, as he recognised all the signs of Kirk actually contemplating the offer.

“Well, I could certainly use a good, relaxing massage now,” the captain smiled at his pretty pedicurist. “Come on, Bones! You’ve been pretty tense, too, lately!”

Of course, Jim would fall for a lovely face and a suggestive smile, the doctor thought angrily. And maybe he should. Just because McCoy was too damn ticklish, why shouldn’t his friend enjoy a good massage?

“I’ll pass,” he said, trying to sound amiably despite his feet still tingling and twitching irritatingly. “You just go ahead, and I’ll find something else to do today.”

“Oh, come on, Bones, give it a chance!” the captain all but whined, “Just one little massage, and then we’ll do whatever you want for the rest of the day.”

McCoy heaved a sigh. Who could resist Jim’s puppy dog eyes? And when Chapel smirked at him and suggested, “You could always ask for your feet to be excluded!” it became a matter of pride. This was ridiculous. Surely, he could get a massage without being tickled half to death!

And practically already feeling the soothing effects of strong hands kneading the muscles in his tight neck and back, he grudgingly nodded and followed Kirk and the two pedicurists across the beautifully kept lawn of the resort to the massage parlour.

Part 2: Full Body Massage

Disclaimer: Sadly, I own nothing of Star Trek

[wordsfromthesol]

Pretend to be Friends

Author: @wordsfromthesol Taglist: @anousiemay @malfoys-demigod @pricetagofficial​ @zphilophobiaz Pairing: Jason Todd x Reader Summary: Red Hood took an interest in a the new vigilante in town…you. Warnings: Injuries, language Word Count: 2.0k A/N: Still in Mobile and haven’t had much time to write, so this is one I finished before work went crazy. 

"So, you must be new." You heard the voice echo behind you. Letting out an exasperated sigh, you turned around to face the vigilante. It was only a matter of time before one of the big ones discovered who you were.

"Not really. No." The response was short and bitter.

"Ouch, alright. Well, I'm Red Hood."

"I know." The words left a bite in the air as you leapt off the building.

The next three nights your vision was plagued by that irksome red helmet. How he figured out where you were still puzzled you, but if he was going to stick around you might as well talk to him. "ALRIGHT!" You screamed across the alley way towards the building you saw him lurking on. "I give in!" Though his face was covered, you knew he was smirking underneath the mask as he sauntered towards you.

"So, Eclipse, is it?" Red Hood named you as he approached.

"I guess I shouldn't be surprised." You scoffed at the vigilante name you had chosen. "So, why have I had a tail these past few nights?" Though you rarely used the confrontational approach in real life, once you put on the mask you gained a newfound confidence. And tonight, you were putting that to use.

"Oh…I just…well you didn't seem to have anyone. And this job is dangerous." Though that was partially true, there was also something about you that intrigued Jason…though he couldn't put his finger on what exactly it was.

"Well I don't see any Red Hood minions around either."

"Yeah, but I have friends." He pointed to his helmet, "if I need them." You didn't bother with a response, instead choosing to look out over the city below. You knew there were other vigilantes, but it hadn't registered that they may actually know each other. "Just let me give you my number. In case --"

Before Red Hood could finish the sentence, you interjected. "I think I can handle it. Thanks." And with that, you were gone again.

**

The next few nights you didn't see the familiar red helmet looming in the distance…maybe you actually did scare him off. Though just as the thought crossed your mind, the vigilante collapsed on the roof's edge next to you.

"Quiet night, huh?"

"Yeah. All I had was a purse snatcher."

"Dang. Was really hoping to get some punches in." Red Hood almost seemed disheartened that crime was low for the night. You almost didn't ask, but the non-vigilante side won out this time.

"And why the need to punch someone?"

Even through the helmet, you heard the hero let out a big sigh. "Just family issues. My older brother is driving me crazy. And then the old man comes in…let's just say I didn't stick around to be further berated."

"Oh we've got family issues, do we?" You questioned, raising an eyebrow at how much Hood seemed to be opening up to you.

"Ha! My family is one big issue."

"Do they…uh…" The question didn't need finishing.

"Unfortunately. Yours?"

"Oh…uh." You were unprepared for the rebound question. No one ever seems to actually take an interest in your life. "No. They don't. I don't have many though and none of them live close."

"I don't blame them. Gotham is one big clusterfuck after another."

"Yeah." The two of you sat in silence for almost an hour before finally parting ways.

**

After that night it wasn't unusual for Red Hood to join you on patrols or stake outs. Finally, after a few months and a close call, you took him up on his offer.

"Alright Hood, you win." You commented as you approached his perch on the roof ledge.

"Well I always like to win…but what exactly did I win?"

"I'll take your number. For emergencies."

"What happened?" You could hear the apprehension in his voice.

"Nothing!" You spat out the word, not realizing the question had barely left his lips. He stood there, staring at you in silence. You were determined not to break, but then he took his helmet off. The domino mask underneath wasn't enough to cover up his concerned expression. "It was nothing, I promise. Just a close call. I didn't even realize how close until after the fight was over. And I saw a bullet hole in the brick, inches from my chest. So I just thought…well you're right. This is a dangerous job and I should have someone to call if I need backup." Content with your explanation, Red Hood stretched out his hand, gesturing for your phone.

**

Red Hood started showing up on almost every patrol. Though he seemed content to let you do the fighting, he was always there waiting on the rooftop afterwards. You began to think it almost pointless to have his emergency number, when was always a block away, waiting for you to join him. That was until you had to use it. It had almost been a year since you met Red Hood when the fateful night came.

You had been chasing down a new drug ring starting up in town. Following the dealer into the alleyway, you were met with two burly men armed with 9mm pistols.

"Is this your definition of an ambush?" You scoffed at the turnout as you barreled towards the two. Though just as the two landed against the asphalt, you heard a crack as a force pulled your leg from under you. Turning around, you saw another man holding a baseball bat. You took a sharp inhale and ran at the new assailant. As he fell to the floor, you heard more voices and footsteps. Angry voices. Putting as much force as possible on the uninjured leg, you hopped over to the nearby fire escape ladder. Jumping up, you slowly crawled up to the landing and pushed yourself against the wall. You pulled out your phone and texted "911" to Red Hood as you hoped the reinforcements didn't find your hiding place.

Almost as soon as the new goons saw their co-conspirators laying on the asphalt, they left. You only had to wait a few more minutes before you heard the familiar sound of Red Hood's motorcycle. A sigh of relief flooded your body as you hopped back over to the fire escape ladder.

"Eclipse?!" You heard Red Hood's exasperated cry through the alleyway.

"I'm here!" Before you could continue or explain, Red Hood interjected.

"What the fuck! You send a 911 text and then don't answer your damn phone! I thought you were dead or bleeding out or some shit!" Red Hood couldn’t seem to stop the spew of words leaving his mouth. Your feet…or rather foot, finally hit the ground. You winced from the pain shooting up your leg as you leaned against the cold metal. Hood immediately noticed your expression change. "What's wrong?" He realized this should have probably been his first question, after all this is the first time you had ever asked for his help.

"My leg." You nodded towards one of the assailants on the ground. "That asshole blindsided me with a bat." You watched the anger surge through him as he came to your side, you were almost glad the culprit was unconscious. Who knows what Hood would have done to him.

After one look at the damage done, Red Hood made another call. Apparently he did have other vigilante friends. "Red Robin, I'm going to need the car. And get the doc ready."  

"Really, it's fine. I'm sure I can take care of it." You tried to weasel your way out of, well not only meeting more vigilantes, but also owing Red Hood a favor.

"Yeah…right." He glared at you, as you clutched the fire escape. "Totally in hand." Before you could protest, he was picking you up and carrying you to the edge of the alleyway. A car abruptly came to a stop in front of you and another hero stepped out.

"So you're the one Hood's always sneaking off to hang out with." A devilish smirk lined the dark haired boy's face.

"Can it replacement. Motorcycle's over there." Red Hood pointed a block south. As Red Robin began his walk, Hood screamed after him, "AND IF I SEE ONE SCRATCH ON IT!"

**

You pulled up to an unfamiliar place, but Red Hood already proved his connections in Gotham…so you supposed you had to trust him. Not that you had much of a choice at this point. There was no hope you were moving on this leg anytime soon.

"So, whose this doctor then?"

"Someone we trust. When the patch ups are too much for us to handle ourselves." He said it as if what happened was normal, no big deal. You couldn't get anymore questions out before you were met with a pretty blonde doctor and a wheelchair.

"Do I want to know?" She questioned as she wheeled you into the building and straight to the x-ray room.

"Just an asshole with a baseball bat and some luck." You tried not to look down at the damage it had caused. It seemed like hours went by as your injured leg was manipulated in ways it definitely shouldn't have been. Finally, you were wheeled back to a room. Much to your surprise, Red Hood was waiting patiently for you.

"Well?" He blurted out the question before you and the doctor could even get in the room.

She let out a deep sigh, "Well it's not great. A section of her fibula is shattered and she has a compound fracture in her tibia."

"So surgery?" Your voice went solemn.

"Unfortunately. Fairly routine though. Plates and a rod will reconnect your fibula, and we'll put some pins to realign the tibia."

"Great. So does that happen here…or…?" You still weren't sure how you were going to get through all of this without anyone noticing or revealing who you were.

"Here and now. We…" the doctor turned her head and glared at Red Hood, still lingering in the room, "will leave you to put on a gown. You can keep your mask on."

**

You assumed hours had passed, but it only seemed a few seconds to you. As your eyes fluttered open, you first noticed the new bandaging around your leg and then your eyes drifted to the man sitting in the corner of the room. "Why are you looking at me like that." You weren't even sure how your mind formed a complete sentence.

"Doll, I'm not looking at you like anything. Stop being paranoid."

"You don't have to pretend to be my friend or anything." The words were falling out of your mouth before you could stop them. Why would you even say that?

"Well, I'm not pretending. You know me better than anyone." At this point Jason was pretty sure that the combination of pain medicine and the anesthetic was causing the bizarre line of questioning. You had to have known that you were friends, right?

"Please, I don’t even know who you really are."

"And that is why you know me best. No preconceived notions."

"Oh so you're important then?" You chuckled before adding, "or just a dick."

"That's my brother." Red Hood laughed at the pun you didn't understand, before looking over and seeing the confused sad look gracing your features. "Look, I don't even know if you'll remember this…" He slowly pulled off the domino mask hiding his face. "But my name is Jason, Jason Todd."

A faint smile graced your lips as you followed his lead, "Y/N, Y/N  Y/L/N." The two of you broke out in laughter at the drama of it all before hastily putting the masks back on as you heard footsteps headed your way.

[accessibleproductions]

This is my letter to @taylorswift and I hope she can see it. I’m disabled with a brittle bone disorder & epilepsy, I’ve been through so much and just her reading it would mean the world. I need all my Taylor Swift friends to help me get this out there! I made a Tumblr just to get this done and to join in on the fun! I'm sorry for all the run on sentences and grammatical errors you're about to read, I'm typing this quickly and from the heart. I'm really a much better writer than this will suggest. My name is Sean & I am a probably one of the biggest fans of Taylor and I pray that my letter comes across as genuine as I mean it. To start I'll tell you a bit about me, which number one thing is to know, I am severely disabled. I was born with something called Osteogenesis imperfecta or simply OI, OI is a brittle bone disease that is usually passed on genetically but can sometimes be spontaneous mutation and in my case, my biological father had it as well. I had my first fracture when I was two weeks old and to date have had well over 200 of them. All throughout growing up I was in and out of hospitals, three major surgeries to put titanium rods through a few bones, I was in a double blind drug study and was diagnosed with asthma, sleep apnea, scoliosis and more along the way. It was rough but to be honest, I became very used to the medical side of things, it was my personal life that wore me down. When I was a child I was bullied severely and it never has truly stopped. I was beaten up, threatened, picked on and since an early age, I developed depression, by the time I was 10 I had already attempted suicide. I had no real outlet for my pain, I couldn't go out and "play" so I sat, festering in the horrible thoughts my mind kept producing, it really was a scary time, looking back. Around the age of 12, I started getting into music. Unlike most of the people who view music as a fun past time, I saw it as an escape from reality where I could feel a sense of normalcy, to live in another world and then bring back some peace of mind to figure out the problems in my own life. In music I wasn't in a wheelchair, no one hated me, I could do anything. Music was and is one of the only things that make life worth living, driving me to be creative and actually allowing myself to get better hand-eye coordination, amongst other physical things.I remember as I got older listening to Taylor's first record, I really dove into headfirst - it came at a time where my personal life was crumbling even more, I had graduated high school, couldn't find work and was realizing that the bullying aspect of my childhood wasn't going away but merely adapting to the outside world in the form of pure bigotry. I played that album all of the time to escape when I discovered it I was actually, again, contemplating suicide, I started it up and immediately remembered what creativity could do. Since then I've been a die hard fan and I have found myself really surviving from the inspiration she gives me. She not only stands for what her music says, but also never shies away from defending all who need it. Now what I am about to say is what happened to me in the last two years, it was very scary and I'm lucky to be alive. In March of 2017, I suffered two grand mal seizures without any prior history of epilepsy. I went into complete respiratory and cardiac arrest, was transported to the hospital and awoke with no knowledge of who or where I was. The emergency room doctors didn’t believe it to be a seizure and twelve hours later, I had another that was stronger than the first. These seizures, mixed with my brittle bone disorder, caused four broken bones with two so severe I required emergency reconstructive surgery. The second seizure also put me into cardiac and respiratory arrest where I was without any brain activity for two minutes. I was on life support for two weeks and now after the surgery, I’ve lost most functionality in my left hand due to extensive nerve damage. I’ve already spent my life in a wheelchair and now most of what little I could do on my own has been stripped from me.  I spent six months in a reclining wheelchair unable to move, lost my job and apartment and sold off everything I have to try and pay off the tens of thousands in hospital bills. I had no insurance when it all began and when I was approved for Medicaid, they wouldn't cover all of the past costs, neither did they cover completely any of the new ones. I had nothing left of myself and depression had come back tenfold. I felt worthless and a drain on my family, no longer able to really do anything for myself. Now eventually I did regain some independence, getting back in my wheelchair and being mobile, but still unable to work, make a living or do half of what I used to. It seemed like things were finally on the upswing. February 5th, 2018, I went back into the hospital after having a petite gran mal seizure caused by influenza A. I was admitted with a severely high carbon dioxide level and was put on an oxygen mask. That night, at 2:04 A.M., I again went in complete cardiac and respiratory arrest. My family got pulled away and they were told I had no pulse, the nurse wasn't hopeful, and the doctors thought it finally was over. Miraculously I was revived after 4 minutes being lifeless on the hospital bed. I woke up two days later with a breathing tube down my throat like before, I had multiple bone fractures and was kept sedated and under heavy pain medication. Doctors worked hard to figure what if anything could bring me back to normal, not even knowing if I'd even be able to speak again. By another miracle, I came off the ventilator with full cognitive function, all that remained were the bone fractures and fear of more seizure activity. I now have thousands in debt and can't work, I'm trying every day to make it better and I can say without her work she does to keep me inspired, I would not be here anymore. I'm living off of my GoFundMe which is here bit.ly/seanshealth . I can no longer really play guitar, which I did for ten years...with the extensive nerve damage, the layout of the neck for me just doesn't work. I create in any way possible because it's so important to me, it's something people don't understand is so important to me, but it really is. That's why I wanted to reach out to you and thank you. Taylor, for the work she does. The world can be beyond cruel, so many people don't care at all for the wellbeing of others and finding your place in the mess is a challenge, she gives me that focus and inspiration to be okay no matter what. I would not be alive without her work and that's a fact. Most people would find that pathetic but inspiration is an inspiration. Due to the epilepsy diagnosis, I know I can never live out my dream of seeing her live, the lights are no longer anything that I can handle. On top of that because I can't work and my massive debts, I don't own any of her music/items as I can't afford them, nor do I think I'll ever be able to live out my biggest dream of meeting Taylor. It's a sad truth that I've had to come to terms with but I thought passing along this letter may be my one shot to get my message across and maybe make some friends in the process. I suppose all in all I am just saying thank you to her for everything, for making me believe in myself, for making the world a better place with her work. I know firsthand of the darkness this world can cast but it's how we react and how we treat others that can define us. I know so many people share my sentiments and I hopefully speak for everyone when I say thank you to her for saving lives, for being who she is and I hope to realize my only dream one day of shaking her hand but most importantly, just knowing she may have heard my story is great enough... I hope everyone knows the impact everything you do can have on one person. I will continue to fight on.

[medeafive]

Blood and Stone - 24

Masterpost

"There you go," Bobbi remarks, pulling the needle from Natasha's arm. "It should get better now. Your friend should watch over you, just in case."

"You don't need him down there anymore?" Natasha asks, watching her stick a little band aid on.

"Tony's down there, in the armor suit," Bobbi replies. "Who knows when that guy will wake up. If he does at all. Don't tell Sharon I said that."

"You think he won't?" Natasha questions, sinking onto her pillow.

Bobbi sighs, brushing her hair to the other side. "I don't know. Physical healing is one thing but his brain… the longer he doesn't wake up, the likelier it becomes he'll just stay in a vegetative state forever."

“Forever?” Natasha repeats. “Oh. I thought he was… better.”

“I just have no idea,” Bobbi returns, packing up the medical kit. “Really. And I need to go to bed now before I collapse. Just wait and see, I can’t give you more than that.”

James is waiting just outside, nose wrinkled. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah, should be okay,” Bobbi replies, brushing past him. “Look after her. I’m going the fuck to bed now.”

He looks after her with some confusion, then peeks in. She smiles at him, still tired. “Close the door?”

He does, slowly. “I don’t like it when you smell of vampire.”

She snorts. “Tough shit. Come here.”

He smirks, sitting down at her bedside. “Guess that’s why there are so many lone vampires. Avoid the stink.”

She rolls her eyes, turning on her side. “Wish there were more, they’re easier to kill. You think Steve’s going to wake up?”

“I don’t know,” he replies, running his left metal hand over her hip. “Why are you asking me?”

“You seem…” She struggles for words. “Emotionally involved.”

“Do I,” he remarks with amusement. “I don’t know. I have a feeling he’s going to be fine. Don’t ask me why, though.”

She sighs, burying her face in her forearm. “Mhm. Maybe.”

“Just sleep,” James encourages. “Take care of yourself. I’m much more emotionally involved there.”

Sap. She rolls her eyes and drops back on her back. “I sure hope so.”

 She wakes up after what feels like a very long time. She sleeps so much these days, nothing but sleeping and eating and hoping it is over soon. James is sitting in the chair in the corner, eyes closed. He looks positively dead, not even a heaving chest, no small movement. She shudders slightly. Maybe a statue. Something inhuman.

Beautiful, though.

Well, her feelings are a mess. She feels lonely even though she's not, hungry no matter how much she eats, always exhausted regardless of sleep. And she's going through it alone, everyone else watching from the sidelines, at best giving advice, but that doesn't change the fundamental fact that this is something happening to her, inside of her. Her against the world that's not so slowly eating her up.

God, she's probably just hungry, the drain pushing her towards melancholy. Who knows how long she slept. She needs to focus and keep it together, commiserating is not going to help. She stares at James' sleeping figure and still can't help the feeling that she lost something. "James?"

His eyes twitch behind closed lids, somehow quite scary. She holds her breath. That seems to be what alerts him, flashing white eyes. She crawls under the blanket, hiding. "Could you get me something to eat? I don't want to get up."

He blinks slowly, fingers with the murderous claws twitching. She really doesn't want to get up, she's weak and fragile and stretched to her physical limits. But if he doesn't react to her words, she's helpless. All she can do is plead with him and hope for the best. The silence feels endless. "What do you want?" he asks slowly.

"Anything," she replies quickly, quietly. "Really."

He can't handle anything, she can see it clearly on his face. She's just waiting for him to snap. "I can't do that."

She knew it. But that doesn't mean she can do anything about it. "Please."

He groans, rubbing his face with both hands. The ugly grey claws scrape lightly over his white skin. "I haven't eaten in fifty years. I couldn't tell breakfast from dinner."

"Just try," she pleads. "I can't- Please."

He drops his hands and looks at her and- she can see the break between them, the pity on his face, and- he just can't do it, he's going to drop her and she's going to be all alone with this, this pressure, this parasite-

"Okay," he says slowly. "I'll try."

She nods and clings to the blanket as he gets up and slips out.

 He gets her cereal with milk as well as dry toast, and it's not that bad but she just can't shake the feeling. She eats quietly in her bed and he's watching her, increasingly unnerved, the tension is running between them faster and faster. He snaps first, forcefully unclasping his hands. "Are you sure it's okay?"

"Yes," she forces out, not looking up. "It's okay."

He gets up, wanders around, drags on his collar. Like he's walking right on her nerves. She doesn't dare breathe too loud. He sits down on the bed, staring ahead at the wall. Her hand shakes as the spoon scrapes against the cereal bowl. He notices. “Are you okay?”

“Yes,” she repeats. “Just hungry.”

He feels differently. She couldn’t nail it down, couldn’t put her finger on it, but something about him is different and it fills her with a profound sense of loss. So profound she can’t keep her hand from shaking. Or maybe that’s actual exhaustion. She can’t tell what’s in her head and what’s her body anymore. “Sure I shouldn’t get the doctor?” he questions.

She shakes her head, biting her tongue. No need to make a drama out of it. They’ve all got other stuff on their plate. She’s not going to take up their attention again if it means someone else dies like Steve. The anxiety gives way to a quiet resolve and she reaches forward instinctively, grabbing his marbled hand in a vice-like grip. “James.”

He looks at her without understanding. His skin is as cold and hard as stone. She tries digging her fingertips in and barely succeeds. A shudder runs down her spine, together with cold satisfaction at being proven right. “Your hand is cold.”

He looks down at it, eyes narrowing, not confused like discovering something but almost angry like being caught. His skin is not warming up, not giving in, not adapting to her. So she was right, he’s going to drop her, he can’t do this-

There’s a knock at the door, even though she didn’t hear the stairs, and she has called to come in before thinking about it, giving James a hard look before ripping her hand back. The door opens slowly, Pepper peeking in. “Hey. Am I interrupting?”

“Not at all,” Natasha replies with complete composure. James is still staring at his hand. “Could you do me a favor?”

Pepper shifts inside. “Sure. Do you need something to eat?”

“Thanks, already got that,” Natasha states. “Could you just touch James’ hand real quick?”

Pepper eyes him. James looks up with alarm. “Oh. Uh, why?”

“Just do it, please,” Natasha insists. “Won’t take long.”

Pepper steps forward hesitantly. “Is that really-” James starts.

“James,” Natasha interrupts. “Please.”

His fangs dig into his lower lip as he reluctantly extends the right hand, staring down at the bowl in her lap instead of at Pepper, holding his breath. Natasha nods encouragingly at Pepper who inhales deeply, staring at the grey horn claws as her fingers slowly wrap around his palm. The shudder going down her shoulders is visible. “And?” Natasha prompts.

“I don’t know, it’s cold- oh.” Pepper goes silent. James’ shoulders rise slightly.

“What?” Natasha prods.

“I don’t know, his- his skin just gave in?” Pepper says. “Like it softened and- but you know that.”

James is still not looking at either of them. “Thank you,” Natasha replies. “Could you get me a coffee, please? That would be great.”

Pepper draws her hand back quickly, retreating towards the door. “Oh, yeah, sure. I’ll be right back.”

James winces slightly as the door falls shut. “Well,” Natasha remarks with some gusto, ripping the dry toast apart, not caring about the crumbs getting everywhere. “Guess that answers that.”

“Answers what,” James hisses. “Can we not do this?”

“Oh, I’m just supposed to let this go?” she snaps back. “Like everything’s the same and nothing’s happened?”

“Nothing happened,” he returns. “I didn’t have any control over it when it was you, and you knew that, and now I have no control over it when it is her-”

“So you’re just not attracted to me anymore?” she interrupts. “Is that it? And you don’t want to admit it because you promised to be different but you aren’t-”

“I don’t know!” he shouts. “I just don’t fucking know. Just- I don’t know.”

“Don’t give me that,” she returns. “Like this is some small thing, like I’m overreacting-”

“You don’t even smell like yourself anymore.”

That knocks the breath out of her. “Oh.”

“I told you I couldn’t do this,” he says. “I didn’t want to- I’m really trying-”

“So Pepper smells better, is that it?” she interrupts. “Do you want to fuck her or eat her? Just so I know.”

“Can we not-” He groans, rubbing over his face. “Nat. Please. Don’t make me do this.”

“Make you do what?” she questions. “Tell me the truth? Leave me like you’ve wanted, like some stupid cliché, like I should have known-”

“I’m not going to leave,” he interrupts. “This is hard, really hard, and- you’ve changed, and you can’t expect that not to change- I don’t know what you want from me but you can’t expect me to- I’m fucking trying but I don’t have control over-”

“Can you just finish one fucking sentence,” she hisses. “Just fucking tell me. Tell me that you’re more attracted to literally everyone other than me, that you just don’t want to leave me out of pity, because you don’t want to admit-”

“I don’t even remember her name,” he returns.

“It’s not about her!” she explodes. “You’re more into every other warm-blooded woman than me-”

“You smell like you’re turning,” he interrupts. “You smell exactly like a fledgling and now you’re mad because I don’t like that- what do you even care, you wanted the baby, you wanted to do what that takes, and now all you’re doing is getting paranoid that I might leave- what do you care about what I think about your smell? I thought you were doing that for yourself-”

“Oh yeah,” she remarks. “Now it’s all me, right? My fault that we slipped into this mess- but great that you admit you don’t like any of this, you didn’t want any part of this- I guess now that you don’t want to suck me dry anymore, you don’t want to sleep with me either-”

“What the fuck does that matter right now,” he cuts her off. “Yeah, sure, if only I’d be more into your disgusting vampire smell, that would fix everything, that would keep you from dying-”

“Disgusting vampire smell?” she repeats. “Well, that’s rich, coming from you-”

There’s a loud knock on the door and it opens without further warning. Pepper peeks in. “Hey. Sorry. Just- thought you’d want to know.”

“What?” Natasha asks, somewhat embarrassed.

“Steve woke up.”

 She makes it down the stairs somehow, out of spite. Steve’s still sitting on the bed, though the straps seem to be ripped. He looks awfully strong and utterly confused. Tony is still in the full metal suit but with the mask up. James moves into her line of sight immediately. “What’s going on?”

“Yeah, looks like he doesn’t remember absolutely anything,” Tony says. “Complete amnesia. At least that’s what he says.”

“Nothing?” James repeats. “Does he even know who he is?”

Natasha weasels around James to catch a look. “Remember me? Massively pregnant?”

Steve blinks at her slowly, clutching his giant hands. “...no? Sorry.”

“Let’s just get him a shirt that fits,” Tony remarks. “And… I don’t know.”

“Was he aggressive?” Pepper whispers. “Is it safe to be-”

“Pep, he can hear you,” Tony replies. “But yeah, I think he’s just really confused. You know, with the whole amnesia thing.”

“Just because of Nat,” Pepper insists. “You know, I think she should-”

Sharon comes rushing in, pushing her way through until she can see- “Oh my God, I thought you’d never wake up.”

Steve looks uncomfortable. “Sharon, he might not remember you,” Tony warns. “He hasn’t remembered anyone so far.”

Sharon’s eyes widen. “You- you don’t remember me?”

Steve blushes. “I- Should I?”

“You have no idea who I am?” Sharon questions incredulously.

Steve lowers his head slightly. “I’m sorry. Uh, did we- were we-”

Sharon blushes the most furious red Natasha’s ever seen. “No! No. Why would you- Oh my God.”

“Okay, I think we should get out,” Pepper announces. “Right now. You guys deal with this. Come, Natasha. Sharon.”

As always, determined initiative works and Pepper drags them outside, shutting the door behind them. Sharon sinks against the wall, breathing into her hands. “Oh my God. Did he- did he really just hit on me?”

“He’s just confused,” Pepper replies. “Natasha, are you okay?”

“Yeah, sure,” Natasha says. “Why?”

“I heard you screaming at your friend and-” Pepper sighs. “Are you okay? Is there anything I can do? The hand thing, I didn’t mean to-”

“Oh, it’s alright,” Natasha interrupts. “It’s not your fault. Don’t worry about it.”

Pepper chews on her bottom lip. “If there’s anything- you can tell me anything. We can work it out. You’re not alone.”

“It’s alright, really,” Natasha repeats. “Doesn’t matter now.”

Sharon drops her hands, sighing. "Sorry. Something I should know?"

Boy, does she not want to talk about it. "No, forget it. Not a big deal."

"I can't believe he would- he was with my grandma!" Sharon insists. "I mean, he probably doesn't remember that either but- urgh. That was weird."

"I don't think he meant it," Pepper assuages. "Just, if you were, I mean had, that would be really bad not to remember."

"Can we go somewhere where I can eat something?" Natasha asks. "I don't think I should stop."

 "Sam's still on patrol," Sharon mutters, carding her hair to one side and then the other. "Jesus Christ. I can't do this again-"

"Just let Tony handle it," Pepper suggests. "Doesn't really matter if Steve can't remember anything anyways. And Tony can totally be gentle if he wants to."

"Thanks for that information," Natasha mutters into her banana.

Sharon groans. "Jesus Christ. Why does everything have to be so complicated?"

"Tell me about it," Natasha replies. "And so fucking hard, too."

Fury comes down the stairs. "Oh, Romanoff. I was looking for you."

"Steve woke up," Pepper tells him. "But with amnesia."

"Later." He grabs a chair and turns it around. "You can't stay here if the city's about to be invaded by hordes of vampires. That's not safe."

"Yeah, cool," Natasha returns, at the end of her patience. "Is anywhere safe?"

"I made a few calls and there's a house outside the city," Fury explains. "We can get the necessary medical equipment there, and then we can get you and Morse there quietly in the daylight. That's safer than sitting around here."

"What about her friend?" Pepper asks.

"He stays here," Natasha returns. "Or what? There's gonna be black cloaks here soon and you don't want him?"

"He shouldn't stay here either," Fury says. "There's a chance he'll be turned against us and it's too much of a risk."

"Are you insane?" Sharon asks back. "Are we supposed to face the black cloaks alone?"

Fury raises an eyebrow. "At least the front line is clear."

"Nothing is clear," Sharon shoots back. "We gave Nat a heck of a lot of vampire blood, and then we gave Steve even more and- what are we even doing here? What is this? You seriously wanna tell me we're doing this to help people?"

"We're helping Natasha," Pepper replies. "Yes, it's going to have bad consequences for this city and probably for us but that's nobody's fault. And we can't really change it either."

"You should use him," Natasha insists. "Unless Schmidt shows up himself, it should be safe. And I don't think he will."

"This is getting insane," Sharon remarks. "I mean, what else would you have him do? Run away? Hide?"

"But he told Rumlow that he'd follow Natasha out of the city," Pepper reminds them. "So it's not good for him to be seen around town."

"Have him check entries into the city," Natasha suggests. "Then he can warn you before black cloaks show up. Like it or not, if you remove him from the equation, we all die."

Sharon rubs her eyes. "There's no way to evacuate the city. Just, none. So we better make sure this doesn't end badly for us."

"We can't tell him where you're going," Fury states. "We can't tell him anything that Schmidt could get out of him. I'd bet my eyepatch that if there's such a thing as a live half-vampire child, Schmidt will want it."

She's never even thought about that. "How do you want to get him to forget that?" Sharon asks. "Wanna pump him full of vampire blood like Steve?"

"He's already full of vampire blood," Pepper reminds her.

"I mean, we could fake your death," Fury ponders. "Or a miscarriage."

"Are you all fucking insane," Natasha returns. "Sure, that's going to end well."

Sharon sighs, leaning back. "Sorry. I'm in a complete tizzy."

[redstarwriting]

Dimension Hopper

Avengers x Reader

Request: “Hi!! I was wondering if I could request an imagine about a reader from our universe going to the marvel universe?? And she's super smart and strong but like, a little younger than Peter (15). I'm still not over Endgame so can she be confused when everything is normal and the Tony thing didn't happen, and the avengers are confused about why she is so happy about tony, idk just FLUFF PLEASE😊💖“

Word Count: 1,858

Genre: Fluff, Platonic

Warnings: Endgame spoilers, swearing, run on sentences

A/N: Not gonna lie, I got carried away on this one. I might make a part two to it to show just how close the reader gets with the rest of the Avengers in this specific story, and to show that she’s a strong ass girl as well. I already have ideas for it, and I really enjoyed writing this one. I hope y’all enjoy it as well! I’m working on all the other requests I have right now, so if you sent one in I’ll get to it as soon as I can!

───────────────────────────────────

Saying you felt like your heart was ripped out of your chest was an understatement. You’d just seen Endgame, and while you loved it and honestly had an out of body experience during it, Tony died. No more Iron Man in the MCU. Needless to say, you cried your eyes out. Even though he was a fictional character, he was your role model. You, like him, were very interested in engineering and science and things like that. In fact, you understood a lot of what Tony could do, and you’re only fourteen years old. You keep the fact that you can understand all the complicated engineering things that Tony talks about a secret, of course, considering the technology to actually pull off what he can do doesn’t actually exist in this world. You were working on that though. When you weren’t doing your schoolwork or reading comics or watching Marvel movies, you were out in your garage, working to become this world’s Tony Stark.

Needless to say, as soon as your parents park, you hurry to start working on your projects. You’ve already seen Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, and the entire concept of it interested you. Different dimensions, the multiverse, it all was something that seemed to be calling out to you. So, needless to say, you were trying to find a way to travel to other dimensions, only safely. You don’t want to find out what that glitchy thing that happens in Spider-Verse actually feels like. You’re just grateful that your dad happens to own a weapons company, much like another super genius in the universe that you would like to travel to. That’s what allows you to develop and invent all the time. It’s quite convenient, actually. Nevertheless, you’re lost in your work, distracting yourself from your sadness about Tony Stark, and you don’t even realize how much time has passed. It’s a Saturday, and you saw the movie at a one o’clock showing, so you got out of it at around four o’clock, meaning you started working at around five since you went and ate dinner with your parents. Now, it is four in the morning. And you are tired. It’s not the first time you pass out at your crafting table, and it certainly won’t be the last.

Now, you’ve gotten pretty far on the designing and creating of the fancy touch technology that Tony uses in the movies, and you’ve been using it more and more. Laptops and touch screen phones are a thing of the past for you, but you haven’t shared anything you’ve discovered with the world yet. Why, you ask? You’re fourteen. Chances are no one would believe you and they’d probably just say your dad was the one who actually did it, and you’re not about to let the things you designed get credited to someone else, even if he helped create you. With the technology you’ve created though, you can do things that are way beyond thought of on this Earth. And that leads back to the task you have at hand. Dimension hopping. Although you’ve fallen asleep, diagnostics for the machine that will be used to help dimension hop are being run through over and over again. You finished the basics of it, now you just need to find the exact way it will actually work. Lucky for you, a successful way is found. You’re just sleeping when it is. Crazily enough, the program downloaded itself into your watch, and you must have moved around and hit something in your sleep, because you hopped a dimension. The only downside? You were asleep when it happened. So, imagine your shock when you wake up, and everything around you is abandoned. Your machinery and equipment are nowhere to be found. You glance down at your wrist, pulling up information on what the hell is going on from your watch that you designed. “April 28, 2019… but what happened to my lab…?” you mutter, confusion and utter devastation flooding your mind. You think for a second and realize something. What if you’re in a different dimension? You frantically begin typing, trying to figure out what’s happening. Before you can even begin to look at the search results, though, the ceiling behind you gets blasted through. You turn, seeing none other than Iron Man, Tony Stark himself, looking at you. “A kid? You’re the one who caused a surge of energy?” you hear him say, and you just stare at him. “Y-You’re-“

“Rogers, it’s just a kid. She’s not about to harm anyone. She’s not even armed with anything and she literally just woke up… no, believe me Barton, I know what falling asleep while inventing looks like. She’s got it written all over her face. And hair. Yeah, of course you can come in, I already told you she’s harmless.”

Tony steps out of his Iron Suit, looking directly at you, and you literally just stare at him with your mouth wide open. “What’s your name kid?”

“You’re real?! And alive!” you blurt out and Tony just stares at you. “Wha-” You cut Tony off by crushing him in a hug. “Woah! Okay, okay, hey,” he decides to let it happen, but he is pretty confused. Before the embrace is over, Steve Rogers, accompanied by Bruce Banner, Natasha Romanoff, and Clint Barton all walk through the door. Through the gigantic hole Tony had previously made in the ceiling flies Thor. You immediately pull back from Tony, and nearly start crying. “Nat’s alive too! Oh my god this is amazing!” You start freaking out, and now they’re all looking at you with a weird expression. “Okay, what’s going on?” Steve asks, approaching you. “You’re not old!”

“No, he’s old, he just looks young,” Tony says, and Steve gives him a look. You laugh, shaking your head. “No I know he’s like 101 years old, but he still looks like 25! He isn’t an old man on the outside!”

“What the hell is going on here, Stark?” Clint asks. “Yes, I am also wondering who this child is and why she is stating that we are all alive when it is obvious that we are all alive,” Thor says. “That’s what I’m trying to figure out,” Tony tells him. “Okay, yeah I can imagine how this is weird but oh my god you guys don’t understand. I watched you guys die and now you’re here and I’m here and you’re all okay and you’re all together again and I’m just so happy you guys are amazing, Tony you’re my literal idol I want to be just like you and I’m so excited I finally get to meet you and I know I’m repeating myself and if this was typed out it would be a huge run on sentence and-”

“Wait, slow down, you watched us die?” Tony interrupts you, concern written all over his face. “Yes! And to be completely honest I have no idea how all of you are alive and I’m totally confused about it... does Thanos exist? Are you guys searching for the infinity stones? ‘Cause if not, you should totally do that before Thanos-”

“How do you know about the stones? And Thanos- who are you?” Tony asks, in obvious disbelief. “Oh, yeah! I forgot that part, my name is (Y/N), I’m fourteen years old, and I already told you I love you, but I love you. Like a lot. Like you inspired me to become an engineer... but seriously, how are you guys alive?”

“Well, we did fight Thanos in Wakanda, but he never got the chance to snap his fingers. Thor cut his head clean off with Stormbreaker and Doctor Strange used the time stone to bring Vision back and Cap and I decided to set aside our differences and start working together again. After a risk that big, it would be better for all of us to work together than be separated but that’s enough about that, you’re fourteen and you’re already an engineer?”

“Oh my god, that’s crazy! Everything I though I knew was a lie what the heck, this is insane! And you’re back together?! This is so great. I’m so happy I designed this watch so I could jump from my dimension to this dimension-”

“Your dimension to this dimension?”

“Yes, my dimension to your dimension.”

“You’re from a different dimension?”

“Yeah! Isn’t that cool! And so far, no glitches and my organs feel fine so I’d like to say this was a success, the only problem is I don’t entirely know how I got here,” you think out-loud, pulling up the hologram like technology that exists in this world already from your watch, beginning to type some things out. “So you invented that watch?” Tony asks, walking over to you to see what you were typing. “Uh-huh… it only took around two and a half months to design the watch itself and integrate the dimensional navigation software, but the technology used in it took me about six months to develop.” You can feel Tony’s eyes on you, but you just keep typing away. “How long did you say you were going to stay here?” you hear Bruce ask, and you shrug. “I didn’t say, but to be honest it looks like I’m stuck here because fun fact, this was somehow activated while I was asleep. I have no idea how to get back to my dimension, so…” you look at Tony, “Do you have a place I could stay until I figure it out?”

“Uh, yeah I do. I kind of want to talk to you about some things. I’ve noticed you don’t have an A.I. I could help you out with that, you’d be amazed at how much simpler it makes things,” Tony says, and your eyes widen. “Really?! I can have my own JARVIS?!”

“Hell yeah you can. Now with this watch, do you think that-“

“I hate to interrupt your science party, but are we just ignoring how she knows so much about us?” Natasha asks. “Oh! The dimension I’m from is hero-less. You guys exist in movies, I’ve seen every major battle you guys have had. Including one that won’t even happen because your timeline is different from the timeline that was created in my dimension,” you explain, not diverting your attention from your watch. “I have them all if you’d want to watch them. The actors look just like you guys, it’s pretty dope,” you inform and they all stare at you in disbelief. “You know, (Y/N), I think we’re gonna be good friends,” Tony tells you, and you smile. If you thought it was crazy that you discovered dimensional traveling, it’s even crazier that you just met not only your idol, but your future best friend. With the things he taught you, you went back to your dimension and released all of your tech, advancing the boring old Earth you knew. You constantly travelled between your dimension and the Avengers’ dimension, and because of Tony you always had a place to stay. You also may have brought Peter Parker to prom. Crazy how that works.

[neighborhoodmoonchild]

Love Heals All (Hoseok x Elf!Reader)

Genre: Supernatural Au, Fluff, Angst

Warnings: Explicit language, mentions of hospitals and injuries, P.O.V. switching, I think that’s it

Word Count: 6K

Work. That’s what took up 99% of your time most days and 100% others. Not that you minded, you loved healing others. The thrill of helping someone was addicting and it made you feel good knowing you were making a difference, helping people get better. 

It was your calling, after all, your purpose. Even though you couldn’t understand the why, you certainly loved the how. Since you were little, you’d had a knack for fixing broken things. You’d play doctor with your barbies, then when you discovered your gift you’d moved on to the injured birds that would hit your windows sometimes. 

Your parents knew, of course, that this was something you had to keep to yourself. ‘They don’t understand,’ they’d say, ‘they’ll take advantage of you.’ 

As a little girl, you didn’t understand what they could possibly mean. You were doing something good, right? How could people not understand that?

As you got older, you realized what they had meant. What you could do, no one else could. Something like that made people jealous; made people scared. When all you wanted to do was heal, you knew you’d have to do it their way to avoid repercussions. 

And you played by their rules for a long time. Learned CPR and first aid as soon as you could, took training courses, even enrolled in a nursing program after high school (and graduated with honors). 

No matter how many people you helped, you couldn’t help the gnawing guilt that you could do more. So, so, so much more. 

Then a craze of ‘witch doctors,’ ‘magic medicine,’ and home remedies ran rampant through the city, and you saw an opportunity to put your gift to good use. 

Under the guise of ‘healing auras’ and ‘crystal healing,’ you were finally able to help your way, without fear of inciting panic. 

At least until people started getting suspicious, and suddenly your only choice was to leave home and start over somewhere new. Somewhere no one would know anything about you. 

Leaving that part of your life behind hurt and this wound was something not even you could heal. You’d given up your gift to go back to normal, well, as normal as you could possibly be. You took the night shift at a local hospital, started looking into medical school, and even attended some weekly dance classes to stay healthy. 

You never thought these classes would dig up old bones, but of course the past can never stay easily buried away like that. 

—

You’d mentioned earlier to Hoseok that you thought Euna should get her ankle checked out before returning to class. Of course, he let her decide, and of course she insisted she was fine. You never really talked to Euna before that day, but something inside you knew she wasn’t ok. 

And a quarter of the way through the routine, your suspicions are proved right when Euna falls to the ground with a yelp, hands flying to her ankle as everyone stops and gathers around her. 

Suddenly, Hoseok is in a panic, everyone is trying to see what’s going on, and you’re pushing your way calmly through the crowd, instructing them to leave and give her some space. 

Lowering yourself down to her level, you move her hands away from her ankle and assess the damage. You can tell it’s not a fracture, no broken bones, just a ligament tear. Painful but manageable. 

You turn your head towards Hoseok, who’s eyes keep flicking quickly from her ankle to you and back again. 

You sigh and help Euna move her leg out from under herself so it’s stretched towards you. Better access means an easier fix. 

“Should I call someone, is it bad?” Hoseok tries to hide his panic, even though he’s incredibly bad at it. He’s seen his dancers injured before, but it never fails to scare him every time. After all, their like his family. 

“She’ll be fine, just a mild ligament tear,” You say, hoping to ease some of his worries, and he just stares at you like a deer in headlights. 

“You can tell that just by looking?” He asks, and you mentally kick yourself. Shaking it off, you nod.

“I’m a nurse, it’s kind of my job to know injuries.” Quick, albeit shaky, save. All of your worry he might not buy it washes away when he rests his hand on your back. 

“Alright, so what do we do?” 

You send him for your bag and while he’s occupied, you rub your hand gently over the spot of the tear. Euna is laying down with her eyes shut so you don’t have to worry about her seeing anything.

You feel the slight warm sensation and tingle at your fingertips, her skin beneath casting a slight glow as your fingers move, and suddenly, you’re done. 

You made sure not to do too good of a job, couldn’t make it suspicious, but enough to where it wouldn’t get worse and her pain would subside. Now, it could heal the rest of the way properly with the right wrap and rest, and you could feel better knowing you helped. 

You turn to see Hoseok behind you, your bag in hand, and he seems to stare at you a second too long before he’s handing you your things and offering to get Euna an ice pack. 

Hoseok had always been a bit awkward, so nothing seemed out of the ordinary. You take the medical wrap from your bag and bandage up her foot, making sure to tell her all about the proper care for her ankle.

You also make sure to recommend going to get it properly checked and to not push herself too hard next time. 

After all that commotion, Hoseok figures it’s time to wrap class up. Looking at the clock, it was close enough to quitting time, he figured, and everyone looked thoroughly too exhausted to question it anyways. 

He wouldn’t share with the class, however, that something he saw tonight made him question his mental state, and figured he probably just needs a good night’s sleep to forget about it. 

Everyone packs their things up, and as you shove your stuff into your bag and hike it over your shoulder, you feel a hand touch your arm.

“Hey, walking home tonight?” Hobi asks, even though he knows the answer; it’s the same every week. You smile, giving him a quick nod as you follow him towards the front door. 

Turning quick to lock up, he spins back around to look at you, “Mind if I walk you home then?” 

You both start walking, casual conversation about classes and the hospital flowing freely between the two of you. It was just like every other Thursday night, he’d offer to walk you home because a. It was late, b. You shouldn’t walk alone, and c. He lived a block away from you anyways.  

You two quickly fell into sync with each other, the walks home going from awkward silence to loud laughs and teasing. Hoseok was easy to talk to and you liked having someone like that around. 

Hoseok liked how bright and easygoing you were. He felt you both had that in common, among other things he learned the longer you hung out. 

After moving, you had a hard time making friends, so finding Hoseok’s dance class add in a newspaper an elderly patient had you read to her one morning was a blessing in disguise. 

Despite being completely inept when it came to making friends, the atmosphere in Hobi’s class was so inviting, warm, and friendly, even you found it hard not to feel comfortable. Everyone was so welcoming and kind, you felt like you’d been there your whole life. 

Community and family was something you needed, and it’s what Hobi provided.

Before you knew it, you were standing at the steps of your apartment building, ascending a few before you hear Hoseok’s steps stop. Turning around to ask him what was wrong, his back is facing you, as if he had frozen where he stood.

You peek your head forward a bit, questioning look on your face, “Hobi, you okay?”

Hobi turns around slowly, the image of your hand and Euna’s leg and light burned into his retinas and he just can’t help himself. He has to ask, for his sanity’s sake.

Out of habit, his hand finds the back of his neck, and he’s not sure if he should make eye contact with you or stare off into space so his eyes just kind of find your feet and stay there awkwardly.

“Um, about earlier, when you were looking at Euna’s leg...” The more times he goes over what he is going to say, the crazier it sounds and at this point he wishes he’d never brought it up.

“Yeah, what about it?” You probe, not at all catching on to where he was going. In your mind, Hoseok was completely oblivious, considering he is with a lot of things. Turns out, he pays more attention than you thought.

“Well, there was this...light, I guess, when you touched her leg,” his arms are flailing a bit and he can no longer concentrate on the ground, his eyes darting around like he was looking for the explanation in the night air, “That wasn’t...real was it, I’m probably just hallucinating or something...” 

His sentence trails off and when he finally dares to look you in the eyes, he is hit with an instant wave of cold. In a mere matter of seconds, you’d barricaded yourself from him, putting up a harsh front to push him away. 

It was all happening again. You were dumb enough to think this time would be different. You were stupid enough to let your guard down and you just couldn’t help yourself. Everything slipped away from you once again, and it was all your fault. You’d jeopardized your future here over something as ridiculous as a fucking ligament. 

Now it made sense why Hoseok had been so weird before, it wasn’t his normal awkwardness, it was his ‘I think I saw something I shouldn’t have’ awkwardness. 

Taking the time to process everything in your mind, you could tell by the look in his eyes he wasn’t convinced by his words and he wouldn’t be with yours either. 

The only option left was to cut ties.

“You’re probably just tired Hoseok. You should get some rest.” You don’t even bother saying goodbye, worried that he’d hear the underlying finality in it and try to change your mind. You quickly head up the rest of the steps and barricade yourself in the building. 

Hoseok just stands there, watching you as you almost run from him, and he can’t help but feel like an asshole for some reason. It should’ve been a harmless question about his mental state, but it ended up being so much more. 

When he finally broke from his stare, he continued his walk home, wondering how he’d fix things next Thursday. 

I don’t think a week’s going to be enough time to find a way to fix this.

—

You were just going in for your shift when your phone buzzed. You knew to just ignore it, he’d get the hint after the first hour. 

You enter the locker room to put your bag away and head out to get the report from the day shift nurse. Your phone is still in your pocket, just in case, but you're focused on your rooms, which ones need linens stocked and what not. 

After 30 minutes of just coasting around, checking your patients and helping out a few coworkers, your phone buzzes in your pocket again. You sigh to yourself, making sure to put on a straight face when another nurse walks by, then quickly pull out your phone.

Hoseok

        -Hey

        -Are you not coming to class today?

Shutting your phone off and shoving back into your pocket, you go back to work. A few hours went by, and by 2 a.m. you’ve had three new patients brought in all with varying injuries, but none too serious. 

Once you finally find a break to sit down and chart, you make the mistake of turning your phone back on just to check your schedule, when you notice six new messages from Hoseok. 

Hoseok

        -I’ll take the silence as a no...

        -Are you okay?

        -Is it about what I said the other night?

        -I was just being stupid and paranoid, I’m sorry if I said the wrong thing, will              you please answer me?

       -Y/N, could you please just let me know you’re alright?

       -That’s it...

“The hell does that mean?” You voice your confusion of the last text out loud, warranting a few looks from other nearby nurses actually doing their work. Throwing your phone onto the counter, you stretch your arms and finish up your charts.

As if to clear up your confusion, a few seconds later, Hoseok waltz right into the E.R. slowing his pace only to survey the place until he locks eyes on your form behind the desk, to which he marches right up and stares down at you, almost like he was trying to intimidate you. 

When you look up from your work, Hoseok is the last person you expected to see standing a foot away from you. You can’t hide from him now. 

“The least you could’ve done was answer me and let me know you weren’t dead somewhere.” 

His tone wavers on angry, but he’s still too bubbly to let it sound heavy, but the intent is still there. He’s not really angry, per say, more so hurt that you wouldn’t just let him know you were working. He understands missing class for your job, but to ghost him was just plain rude. 

You look back down at your screen, saving what you’d done, and rise to talk to him. You didn’t like when he stared down on you like you were a child in trouble. 

“You can’t just show up here Hoseok, this is an emergency room not a convention.” Hoseok chooses to ignore your comment, instead waiting for his rightfully deserved apology. Was it bad that he cared about you? I mean, he cares about all of his dancers, and wants to make sure they are okay, since when is that a crime?

“Next time, just let me know you have to work. It’s not that big of a deal.” He’s exasperated at your attitude, especially since he doesn’t understand where it’s coming from. He made one dumb comment and you were taking it out on him, that just doesn’t seem fair. 

You walk around him to grab another chart, crossing the room to a supplies cart. Hoseok follows you, getting dirty looks from the others on the floor, but you just wave them off.

“There won’t be a next time. I’m quitting.”

You turn around to see a confused look on his face, “You’re quitting the night shift?”

Rolling your eyes, you can feel yourself getting more agitated by the second. Not only was he grilling you for no reason, he was breaking hospital protocol, and that could get you fired. 

You spin around, putting one hand up to his chest to push him back towards the exit.

“No, I’m quitting the classes. I’ve got too much to do here. Now get out.” He tries to turn and object, but once you get to the front door, the security officer gives him a strange look and decides it’d be better to just leave it alone.

If you wanted to quit classes and act like a child to him, fine, Hoseok no longer cared. 

That’s what he told himself at least. Why get hung up on one dancer, it’s not like you could be that special anyways. Sure, he’d miss your laugh during freestyle, or the concerned face you made when you tended to everyone’s injuries, even the minor ones. 

Hate to say it, but he’d actually grown quite attached to you, especially since you were the only one he’d share late night chats about anything with when he walked you home. 

Whatever happened that night, you’d changed, and he didn’t like the new you. You weren’t the Y/N he admired, you were somebody else. 

On his way home, he was more passed that he’d left the comfort of the dance studio and his work to check on you at 2 in the goddamn morning. He could’ve been home in bed by then if he hadn’t worked himself up so much during practice. 

He’d would never forgive you for the lost hours of sleep he’d never catch back up on. 

—

Sometimes you thought the universe did this on purpose. You’d had a few weeks of blissful, trouble free work, no Hoseok interruptions, when one night, surprise-surprise, he walks in with a familiar face limping beside him. 

You let another nurse take the lead on this, irritated at the loss of your Hoseok-free streak you were on. Although, seeing him again after not for so long, it caused a warm tickle in your chest that you couldn’t explain. 

Maybe you did miss the company class and Hoseok provided, but you couldn’t risk exposure. After almost exposing yourself and your family from the last incident, you swore to yourself you wouldn’t go through that again. After all, you could only go so far before everything catches up to you. 

Apparently you could only stay so far away from Hoseok before he catches up to you as well.

You spy from one of your patients’ room, filing out another chart while simultaneously stealing glances at Hoseok. He can tell you’re staring at him, but he’s got bigger things to worry about right now. 

Some of the dancers wanted to incorporate more stunts into their routines. Kai had tried to do a back handspring into a back tuck and landed on his ankle wrong, twisting it in a way it definitely wasn’t intended to. 

After dealing with a few of the others almost vomiting at the sight, Hoseok rushed Kai to the E.R. in his car, not even thinking about you being there. 

It wasn’t till he basically carried the poor guy in with him, spotting you from a distance did he remember you had just started your shift. 

‘Of course,’ he thinks to himself, ‘now she’ll think I’m here on purpose.’

Instead of immaturely ignoring you like he wants to, he briefly looks over and nods in your direction. It wasn’t polite nor rude, just a gesture to acknowledge your existence, hoping even that little thing wouldn’t piss you off for some reason. 

You weren’t sure if it’d be right to try and talk to him. You’d been so abrupt and cold to him the last time, you knew he wouldn’t want to hear anything you had to say. Did you have anything you could say to him that would make the situation any better? Not really.

You both end up avoiding each other until Kai is wrapped up and ready to go, so Hoseok escorts him to his car and leaves you with a simple wave. 

You stare off, watching his car pull out of the parking lot and disappear down the dark streets. 

Cutting ties was proving to be more difficult than you thought it would be. 

—

Clocking out, grabbing your bag from your locker and heading out of the E.R., you can barely keep your eyes open. Last night’s shift was particularly draining, and you couldn’t wait to get back to your apartment, peel your scrubs off and replace them with fuzzy pajamas and get some well deserved sleep. 

The universe, go figure, has other plans for you though, apparent when your phone starts going off, Hoseok’s name on the screen.

He never called you when you were friends, so why the hell would he call you now?

Picking it up, the confusion in your voice is present when you say, “Hello?” 

There is heavy breathing at the end, and then a tiny voice, definitely not Hoseok’s, answers you, “Hello? Is this Y/N?” 

The way the little voice pronounces your name instantly melts the tension that built up in your body. You crack a smile, stopping your walk to put a hand on your hip.

“It is, and who might this be?” You can’t help but let out a soft giggle as another voice says something to the child on the phone but the child just makes a noise at them.

“This is Soobi, Mr. Jung got hurt in class and he needs your help.” There is no panic in her voice, so you don’t immediately jump to the worst case scenario. You figure that it was probably him in the background telling her to hang up the phone. 

“Soobi, can you please give Mr. Jung his phone so I can talk to him?” You hear the loud patter of little feet and then a loud sigh.

“Y/N, it’s nothing, I told her not to take my phone and definitely not to call you.” He didn’t mean for it to sound harsh, but he just didn’t want to bother you and he was trying not to let the pain in his hand influence the tone of his voice. You weren’t talking to him and he wasn’t talking to you, so he shouldn’t come to you when something minor happens. 

“Are you at the studio?” There’s a pause.

“Yeah, I took over the youth classes this week.” 

“I’ll be there in 10.” You hang up before he can object. 

You pick up the pace and make it to the studio in 8 minutes on the dot, instantly spotting Hoseok on one of the benches in the hallway, towel wrapped around his hand, a few little bodies gathered around him. 

When he sees you, he tries not to get excited, but he’d been really missing your presence the past couple of days and knowing you were here to help him made his heart beat pick up a bit. 

You approached him carefully, the children all parting to make way for you, staring at your scrubs and first aid bag. 

Before he knows it, you’re knelt down in front of him, taking his hand in yours as you peel away the towel to assess the damage. 

Along his palm close to his thumb is three inch cut leading down to his wrist. It doesn’t look super deep, but deep enough to warrant stitches. You were glad you’d brought your first aid bag with you everywhere, you’d have enough supplies to sew it right up.

While you check him for any other injuries, he can’t help but marvel at how pretty you look when you’re focused like this. 

Wait, did he just call you pretty? 

1. He’s supposed to be mad at you for abandoning him.

2. He’s never been attracted to a member, well ex-member in your case, before

The dam was already breached, though, and now that’s all he could think about as you start getting your supplies out and asking him what happened.

He didn’t even realize he’d zoned out just staring at you until you snapped your fingers in front of his face to wake him up. 

“What?,” was all he could manage before the sound of little giggles causes a redness to creep up his neck. You just shake your head with a playful smirk.

“I said, ‘How the heck did you manage this while babysitting?’” 

One of the children scoff, marching up to you to inform you that they are not babies and they do not need to be sat on. All you can do is laugh and apologize, turning back to Hobi who,  again, is just staring at you like you suddenly sprouted two heads or something. 

“I, uh, was helping another room change a light bulb when I lost my balance and shattered it in my hand.” Saying it out loud made him feel even dumber than he did when it actually happened. 

You wanted to tease him for it, but you could see the embarrassment on his face, and figured he’d been through enough for one morning. 

“Well, you’re lucky I brought my kit with me, you’re gonna need a couple stitches, but it shouldn’t take long.” 

He hears the words stitches and retracts his hand back, cringing. Hoseok wasn’t really afraid of needles, but now that he’s coming face to face with one, he thinks he should recant that. 

You can feel him tense, knowing that the tenser he gets, the more painful it would be. Without even thinking or realizing, you glide your fingers over his hand, holding it gently, almost caressing it. Hoseok can feel the pain subsiding, even as you clean the wound and he can see the needle going through his skin. 

He doesn’t want to look away when he sees a familiar glow extend from your fingertips to his skin, but if he looks at the needle one more time he swears he’ll puke. 

Luckily, the children had all been whisked away by another instructor so you and Hoseok could have some room. 

It takes maybe a few seconds before you’re all done, tying the thread and placing gauze over the area. 

You gently wrap around his wrist and hand a few times, securing it, and putting all your used equipment in a bio-hazard bag to dispose of later. 

“There, all better.” You say, tapping his knee gently as he looks over his wrap. 

Smiling, he stands up, offering his other hand out to you to help you up. When you’re on your feet, your hand lingers in Hoseok’s for a moment, before you pull away. 

“Next time, be more careful, okay?” You dust your scrubs off, heft your bag over your shoulder, and turn to leave, when he stops you. 

He rests his hand on your shoulder, not really knowing what else to do. He wants to hug you, but it’s not the right time or place for that and he’s not really sure where you stand with him. 

Instead, he says, “Thank you,” and gives your shoulder a light squeeze. Hoseok turns back down the hallway, heading towards another room, while you watch him until he closes the door. 

Walking home, you still feel his fingers on your shoulder, the warmth of his hand in yours. 

Maybe you don’t have to cut off Hoseok completely. 

—

After Hoseok’s little accident, he’d come to the conclusion that the only way to get your attention was to appeal to your healer’s side. 

This surmounted to him calling you every day with questions about his injury. 

‘Can I get it wet?,’ ‘Is it supposed to itch?,’ ‘I think it looks infected, what does an infection look like?” 

Needless to say, after the second day, you were officially annoyed with him. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know if your stitches are infected, so why the hell was he you with every little paranoia of his?

Hoseok’s answer is simple: to force you to talk to him. 

Now, Hoseok didn’t like annoying you, well, not too much, and he didn’t like having you think he was a complete idiot, but he didn’t know any other way to get to you. 

You kicked him out of the E.R., you stopped coming to class, and you refused to let him into your building when he showed up. 

So, he resorted to incessant phone calls. Not his best plan, but the best one he’s got right now. 

You were cleaning up your apartment, taking advantage of having the whole day off, when your phone starts to ring again and you have half a mind to ignore it. 

The guilt eats away at you by the third ring, though, and you answer with a loud sigh to let Hobi know he was getting on your nerves. 

“That’s no way to answer the phone when a patient is calling.” You can picture the smug grin on his face, fist curling tight, the urge to reach right through the phone and ring his neck simmering in your veins. 

“Hoseok, I swear to God, if you call me one more time with some stupid question, I’m going to get a restraining order.” 

There a dramatic fake gasp on the other end of the line, your eyes rolling on instinct. 

“Well good thing I’m not calling with a question this time then.” 

“What do you want then?” There’s a long pause, one you’re assuming is on purpose for effect. 

“I’m calling to propose a deal.” You can’t say you’re not intrigued. What kind of deal could Hoseok possibly be proposing to you, and what the hell would you have to do.

“Alright, shoot.” 

“I will stop calling you with dumb questions if you agree to come back to class.” A laugh escapes your lips before you can cover your mouth, but Hobi just ignores it, waiting for your answer.

“Or, I could just block your number.” 

“Then I’d have to resort to coming to your apartment.” 

“I’d call the cops.”

“I could always show up to the hospital and threaten to sue when you deny me care?” 

You shake your head even though he can’t see. 

“Alright, alright, enough with crazy threats, why do you want me to come back to class so bad anyways?” 

He’s silent because he’s not sure if he should make a joke or tell the truth. You were finally listening to him, really listening, and he didn’t want to mess it up. 

“You’re the best pop and locker I know.” Ugh, that was so stupid, but you’re laughing so maybe it wasn’t a total loss.

“Alright, now what’s the real reason?” 

He’s nervous now, but he thinks of something that he knows you can’t pass up.

“The group misses you, you’re family after all.” 

He knew exactly what buttons to push, and the loneliness button was the hardest hitting one. You missed them too, so much. You’d never laughed, played, and goofed around that much in your life. That studio was the one place you felt at home. 

“I don’t know Hobi, I’m pretty busy with work...” you trail off, and Hoseok has to keep his cool even though you finally addressed him by his nickname after dropping the full name bomb on him every time you’ve talked to him since your falling out. 

“Please.” He sounded almost desperate, but that’s what he was feeling right now. Hoseok didn’t know why, but he needed you to come back. He wanted everything to go back to normal. He wanted you to come back to him. 

After mulling it over in your head, you decide that dance class would be better than annoying phone calls. This would also give you a chance to look after Hobi so he would stop hurting himself. 

“Fine, I’ll come back.” Hoseok drops the phone in his moment of excitement, scrambling to pick it up off the floor.

“Great, I'll see you tomorrow then.” 

“See you tomorrow, Hobi.” 

—

“Hobi, I literally saw you do that on purpose.” 

This was the third time this week he ‘accidentally’ tripped over his own two feet and got hurt. This man has been dancing for years, there was no way he’d trip over his feet that easily. 

He was usually so graceful and calculated, but lately he was reckless and all over the place.

Hobi wouldn’t admit it, but he liked when you babied him, so he may or may not have been acting less careful lately. It was never anything serious, just minor bumps and scrapes, but he just loved when you’d hold his hand and get him an ice pack, or clean a scrap and cover it with a cute little band-aid that were supposed to be for the kids. 

His favorite thing was the warm tingle he got when you touched him as you tended to him, the soft glow on your fingertips leaving him in awe every time, even though he had to pretend he never saw it. 

You were catching on, though, and finally caught him in the act. You knew he was doing it on purpose, and now you knew why. He was curious about your gift.

Class wrapped up, and you are about to grab your things and head out when you hear the click of a lock. 

You turn to see Hobi standing at the door, keys in his hands. 

“What are you doing?” You ask, slowly approaching him.

He just stares at you, unsure of how to bring up the fact that he knows there is something different about you, something not human.

You’re tired from class and not ready to deal with the third degree from Hobi on why your hands glow sometimes, so you roll your eyes and reach for his keys. He quickly pulls away, holding them high above both of your heads.

“Using your height against me, how rude.” You jump, trying to grab them from his hands, but even with your most powerful lunge, you can’t reach them. Hoseok’s trying not to enjoy this too much, but it’s impossible with how cute you look, hopping like a little bunny. 

It gets old quick, so you stand there, arms crossed, “What do you want?” 

“Are we not friends Y/N?” You look at him confused.

“Of course were friends Hobi, now let’s go.” 

“Then why don’t you trust me?”

You knew this would come up again, especially after the increase in his curiosity about it. You had patched things up with a Hobi, returning back to your normal dynamic rather quickly, but you still felt like you weren’t ready to share that part of you with him, let alone anyone. 

“I do trust you, Hobi.”

“Then why won’t you tell me about your hands?” There it was, all laid out in the open. Either you could confront it head on, or bury your head in the sand.

“Hobi, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m tired, can we just go home?” You reach for the door handle, but Hobi grabs your hand first. It’s not a tight grip, more like a comforting, soothing one. 

He doesn’t know how else to show you he cares about you.

“You can tell me, anything, I promise.” When you look in his eyes, you know that he’s telling the truth. You want to trust him, confide in him, assure him that you care about him too, but you can’t find the words. 

You turn your head away, facing the door, and dropping his hand, “Can we just go, please, Hoseok.”

And just like that he dropped it and unlocked the door. All it took was the slight fear that you were building that wall again and he backed off. He wasn’t going to push you away again. 

The walk home is silent, neither of you knowing where to go from there. You make your way up to the front door of your apartment building and turn back to Hoseok.

“I really do trust you Hobi.” 

He looks over his shoulder at you, managing a smile even though he feels a bit emptier inside, “Goodnight Y/N.”

You manage to return your own pathetic smile, “Goodnight Hobi.”

—

After waiting around in the studio with the rest of the crew for 30 minutes, you decide to try and ring him again. Holding the phone to your ear, you pray that he answers this time, but instead get the tone for his voicemail.

After an hour, everyone decides to go home, but you book it to Hobi’s place. After knocking on the door for 5 minutes straight, and elderly woman opens the door and lets you in.

“Do you know what apartment number Jung Hoseok lives in?” You ask, slightly out of breath from the run to his place. 

“Up the stairs, first door on the left.” She smiles, and you take the steps two at a time until you make it to the second floor. You locate his door and knock three times, waiting for an answer. 

You get nothing, and start to panic. 

‘What if he fell and knocked himself unconscious?,’ ‘What if he’s having an allergic reaction and slowly suffocating?’ 

The fear quickly takes over, causing you fist to bang repeatedly on the door, frantic. 

“Hobi? Hobi! Open up, are you okay?!?” The loud thump and the shuffling of feet cause you to pause your ministrations. 

Suddenly, the door slowly creaks open, revealing a pale and sickly look Hobi wrapped in a blanket, a tissue tucked into his hood.

You just stare at him, taking in everything. He looked like death.

“Hey, you shouldn’t be here-cough-I don’t want you to get sick.” 

You roll your eyes and let yourself in, helping him hobble his way back to his best on the couch. There are tissue and open medicine everywhere, and don’t even get you started on the smell. 

Maybe something actually did die in here.

“Hobi, I’m around sick people all the time, I’ll be fine.”

You hold his arms, lowering him back onto the couch, watching sympathetically as he cuddles back into the piles of blankets, a sneeze escaping as he does so.

You kneel down in front of him, a smile overtaking your lips, and in Hobi’s illness induced fever dream, he swears you look like an angel.

He tries to smile, but starts coughing, but you get the gist. 

“Why didn’t you just tell me you were sick? We were all worried about you.”

You place your hand on his forehead, cringing at how hot his skin is. He’s burning up and you didn’t know how long he’s had a fever.

“I didn’t want to worry anyone.” 

“Well, obviously that didn’t work, I ran here like a madman thinking you’d died or something.” 

He laughs weakly, “See? Not so fun being ghosted, is it?” You fight the urge to smack his shoulder, considering he’s so weak.

Instead, you take his hands in yours, rubbing his thumbs with yours. 

“I’m sorry, let’s just agree to talk to each other, honestly, from now on.”

“It’s a deal.” 

You smile, focusing all your energy into your hands. Hobi stares at you, unsure what to say next, when he notices the light coming from your entwined hands. He watches in disbelief as the light flows from your fingertips to his skin, leaving a trail of warmth that flows through his veins. 

He starts to feel less nauseous and dizzy, his chest less congested and his nose no longer runny.

He lifts his eyes back up to yours, catching you staring at him, as if to check on him. 

“You were right, about me not trusting you before, but I do now, fully trust you.” 

Hoseok feels like he could do anything right now, and what he wants to do most is kiss you, right here, right now. 

Then he remembers he’s still sick technically, and your surrounded by used tissues and sweat soaked blankets and decides he doesn’t want your first kiss to be in this mess.

You giggle, seeing him go through all of those emotions as he mulls it over in his head. He’s worse at hiding things when he’s sick.

You just lean forward, pressing your lips to his forehead.

He can’t help but close his eyes, the cool sensation of your lips on his warm forehead releasing all the rigidity in his body and dissipating it in the surrounding air. 

“How about when I’m better, I take you on an official date?” He’d insist the red on his cheeks was from the illness.

Yours, though, was definitely a blush.

“I’d like that.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

      Here it is, Hobi’s story in all its angsty and fluffy glory. Sorry this one is going up a bit late, this one took me a while to finish. Honestly wanted to go into more detail on some things but I didn’t want to make it too long. Hope you guys will enjoy it nonetheless. This story made my heart hurt a little bit, not gonna lie, I really like this one. Now we just have Jimin, Tae, and Kookie left💜 Stay Spooky!

-Moonie🌙

[blackcatanna]

Okita's Route Part 2: Still on Kyoto Winds because I didn't realise that I'd ramble so much

Predictably, I'm enjoying Okita's route a lot more than Kazama's. Also, I'm skipping a lot less than when I played Kazama and Iba's routes, which makes a lot of sense because Okita is actually in the Shinsengumi and, therefore, gets a lot of screen time. So far, he acts like an asshole but this isn't backed up by his actions. Apart from the casual child cruelty X_X

Chapter, uh, 3? I think...

I feel like Hijikata sticking up for Sanan is just making things worse X_X . Saying that he's not useless because he's a swordsman is just plain wrong. It makes it seem like he's just saying it out of pity. I'm sure that Sanan has plenty to contribute, besides slicing people up.

"Sanan is quite the beloved member here, isn't he? It's nice to see such a tight-knit group." -_- Itou is such a master of shade. Gently implying that they only keep Sanan around because of their relationship. You evil bitch X_X

"Ugh, who brought those bastards into the Shinsengumi?" RIGHT?! Glad to see that Okita's not blindly following Kondou's lead here.

"He is easily deceived by silver tongues, those who appear virtuous... but are real scumbags." As the great Roisin Conaty once said: "Charming is just lube for evil." However, this is kind of backing up what those asshole kids were saying earlier about Kondou being an idiot X_X

SNOOP SNOOP 👀

AH! OKITA CAUGHT ME TALKING TO MYSELF! AGAIN X_X

"Trying to run away behind our backs." -_- You know that's not true.

"Heh, I'm just messing with you." No shit. "I mean, unless you were escaping, then I'll slit your throat." -_- You just couldn't resist the opportunity to throw out another casual death threat, could you?

Is he worried about my safety? I KNOW YOU'RE TRYING TO BE FLIPPANT BUT I SEE THROUGH YOU.

"Good girl." -_-

"It sounded like something out of a fairy tale." Oooooooooh hooooooneeeey... Have you not been paying attention?!

Welp, Okita told me to scream so... AAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Oh, apparently, not that... OKITAAAAA! Bet he loved that.

"Aaaaaaaaaaagh!" Everyone, please stop screaming.

Ngl, Sanan looks good with white hair.

Apparently, Okita likes hearing me screaming his name... Good to know...

"Don't worry your little head. It would be my pleasure to help you die." O_O ... Isn't that a little hasty!?!

"You're not serious, are you?" HONEY X_X

"It's really annoying, you know. You think you're part of the Shinsengumi?" </3 Ouch X_X You're the ones who took me prisoner, y'know? However, Chizuru does often act like she's the only one who cares about the Shinsengumi members, which must be annoying af.

"We only keep you alive because you're useful. You are NOT one of us." Uh... Thanks for calling me useful? But is that seriously your attitude? Anyone who's not useful to you should just die? -_-

"His words shattered my already breaking heart." Aw! </3 Poor Chizuru bae!

"Seriously... You can really be a pain, you know that?" RIGHT. BACK. AT. YOU.

"It'd be easier to just kill you," Broken record much?

"Had their last thoughts as men been hope they might survive the madness? It sounded horrible..." YUUUP.

"Sano! Make something up!" Definite DnD vibes again! When you make the low charisma character roll deception X_X

"You're a miserable actor. Keep your mouth shut." I'm sure that this exchange won't seem suspect at all X_X

"Oh, Sanan... Who cares what you are? You're alive!" Bless Kondou's pure and simple heart :')

"Yukimura, you go back to your room. I know you didn't sleep much." Why am I the only person in this game who requires sleep? -_- Just a trend I've noticed...

"*Cough* *Cough*" O_O OKITA, ARE YOU OKAY!??? O_O

"You owe us a lil' booze! Or maybe even, heh, a little... company?" WHERE'S OKITA'S MURDEROUS INSTINCT WHEN YOU NEED IT!?!?

"Suddenly I felt a hand on my arm." BWOOOOOOAAAARP!!! PHYSICAL CONTACT ALARM!!!

"Calm down, kid." ... NO. I HAVEN'T BEEN TOUCHED IN MONTHS.

"Hey hey hey! Looks like she's got the hots for you, Souji!" Oh Heisuke X_X

"No matter what, I won't buy Ishida Medical Powder." XD Got to admire Okita for staying true to his convictions :')

"I'm using the hell out of you" O_o Calm down, Hijikata X_X

Guess I'm going to have to put stalking Okita on hold for now...

Harada and Shiranui should just kiss already.

""Huh? Chizuru?" Okita looked up from cleaning his sword as I entered the hall." OH, HE WAS POLISHING HIS SWORD, EH? ;P YES, I AM TWELVE. Tbf, his face really does look like he's been caught in the act...

"Oh shut up, will you? It's all your fault. The medicine you gave me totally doesn't w..." >:( I'm hoping that the reason that sentence trails off is because I give him a verbal smack down!!

"*Cough* *Cough*" O_O WELL, I GUESS NOW I CAN'T CALL HIM A CUNT!

BLOOD O_O

"It's nothing." ... BOI!!

This game is totally a forcing-stubborn-men-to-rest simulator X_X

"I'd been given instructions to stay away" from the physical examinations but ho's gotta ho', amirite?!

"Oh my... So you WANT to see those savages? What peculiar taste..." Itou, don't call me out like this. Although, I still feel like we should respect their privacy X_X

"Oh! Oh..." ALRIGHT, YOU THIRSTY BITCH, CALM DOWN.

*Camera zooms in on Nagakura's tiddies* -_-

"Your body's fine, Shin." - Heisuke.

"Don't you wanna order a slice of this beef cake? I got two meaty servings on a plate, right here." Aaaaaagh! X_X My eeeeyyyeees.... Can't... un-read... sentence... please... fetch.... brain... bleach...

"A medical exam is for finding problems, not showing off. Now move." PREACH, SAITO!!!

"I feel like it's rude to intrude..." AND YET HERE WE ARE X_X

"It grants immortality" ??? Except for the part where you turn to ash???

"You're forcing your body in ways the eyes can't see." LISTEN TO THE DOCTOR, GUYS!!!

Everyone's just... RIPPING Takeda to shreds XD

"I'm scared shitless, believe me." :'( Poor Okita

No smart comments here... this is just really sad :'(

He's seen me? It's been nice knowing y'all...

Finally, Chizuru calls out Okita for threatening to kill her so much.

"Desist, you hooligans!" Sen is such a Queen! I want a Sen route!

Chizuru and Sen standing up to these arseholes is giving me LIFE! :') PREACH, GIRLS, PREACH!!!

"What were you going to do if they hurt you gravely?" Regenerate, biatch! >:)

"C'mon, was she that pretty?" UM, YES. But I think that she gives off too much of a domme vibe to be Okita's type :P

Chizuru is getting VERY distracted by Okita's hair. You know those scenes in movies where the woman takes down her hair and it's all slow motion and super sexy? This series has a lot of that. Plus when they get their Western makeovers :')

"That's funny... You don't LOOK like an especially nosy, hand-wringing version of my mother." XD I mean, -_- That totally wasn't hilarious.

"I grabbed his towel and began to scrub his head." ... We totally are his mother X_X

"I feel like I remember a time when you were nice and quiet..." NOT ANYMORE, BITCH! AND NOW, I'M ARMED WITH A TOWEL >:)

"You're really good with your hands." O_o ... What?

"You tied your hair up so quickly..." Why don't you show me what else you can do with them? ;)

Now he wants to know what I think of his hair? :/

OMG, HE'S TRYING TO COPY KONDOU'S HAIR XD I HAVE NO WORDS (for once)

Oh, you're surprised that I kept my promise? I'll have you know that I am an honourable woman, good sir! >:/

But Chizuru's claiming to only have done it out of fear of being sliced and diced? :/Uh, sure?

Chapter 4:

"They're small potatoes." This game has some excellent phrases in it X_X

Itou wanting to change the Shinsengumi uniform because it's not "fashionable" enough is the kind of genius that I'd expect from this game's most relatable character :') Although, I personally think that the blue uniforms are pretty <3

Awe, Chizuru thinks that Okita's joking about killing Itou :')

Kaoru just VERY BLATANTLY giving away that he was involved in the notice board incident X_X

:O I'm slightly jealous to discover that Okita's casual death threats aren't just reserved for me!

I get the sense that Okita knows that Kaoru's a boy but I'm sure that it wouldn't stop him if Kaoru was really a girl. Hooray for gender equality!

"I felt embarrassed for even doubting her for a second," O_e SERIOUSLY??!??

We're just going to let him go now!?!

Now Okita's having a coughing fit D: It was so stupid to run off and make him come after us :(

"What if she had accomplices nearby" GOOD. POINT. Chizuru would be so easy to lure into a trap X_X

"Without me around, you're just a useless kid." But I have a great personality! So, together, we almost make one complete, functioning adult :)

"Stop being so timid." I wish that I had that power :'(

"You can rely on us when you need to." Aweee! ^_^

"even compared to the weakest Shinsengumi foot soldier, I was pathetic." HEY. STOP THAT. WHAT DID I SAY? GREAT. PERSONALITY.

"Did you need something?" "Blood." O_O AH. Well, at least he doesn't beat about the bush! O_O

"What the hell? That's a little cold of you, having that pass for a good-bye, isn't it?" YEAH! :'( MIKI IS RIGHT! </3 :(

"Saburo. Watch your mouth." I'm sure that Miki is sad when Itou dies but 90% of their interactions are Itou telling Miki to shut up. X_X

"Is... Is that okay?" NO. IT IS NOT OKAY. SAITO AND HEISUKE ARE LEAVING, ALONG WITH LITTLE PIECES OF MY HEART. D'X

"would that mean I could never see them again?" *sobs*

"We're going to keep relations amicable between our two organisations." AHAHAHAHAHA HA.

"Okita...?" "... Hm? Damn." Uh, nice to see you, too?

"Next time we run into 'em, we'll probably have to kill each other." O_O Don't be so flippant, you ass :'(

"Swords don't think" damn, I didn't realise that you were sword-kin. Everyone thinks and has feelings. I'm sure that no power could convince Okita to kill Kondou.

"Takeda also left" and not one single fuck was given. :')

Just going to ignore Okita making fun of my "bed head" -_-

"I've come to take you" orly? ;)

"Look, lady, you're not part of the Shinsengumi, so I'd appreciate it if you could keep your nose out of our business." So, now that it's convenient for you, I'm part of the Shinsengumi? -_- I still haven't forgotten what you said before, asshole >:( Remember? HEART = BROKEN.

Sen knows that I'm a SLUT ^_^

"I can't tell if you have guts, or if you've got rocks for brains..." It must be the latter if I'm staying because of you XP

*Terrible decision immediately has lethal consequences*

LEMME GO! >:(

See Kazama post for my COLOURFUL feelings on this cunt >:(

Kondou can be so badass when he wants to be :')

Why... Hello there ;)

"Gotta admit, I didn't figure you for this type of girl." Then you haven't been paying attention ;P

Oh yeah: BWWWWWAAAAAAAARRRRP!!! PHYSICAL CONTACT ALARM!!! And then some X_X

"Didn't think I'd be getting pushed down into bed tonight, least of all by you." Oh yeah? Who else did you have in mind? Kondou? -_-

"Oh no! No no no!" Chizuru, we know you're thirsty and it's okay! Embrace the thot within! :')

"Tell me... How is it? On top of me. Does it feel good?" PLEASE SAY YES, PLEASE SAY YES, PLEASE SAY YES!

"I hadn't realised I was still on top of him." Uh-huh. Sure. And what a terrible shame that was.

"If I go out, Kondou will get mad at me." And then no more bum fun :( (me@me: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!??! me: XD Sorry)

"Okita's eyes shone with admiration for Kondou." X_X The fanfiction writes itself...

Just to be clear, I think it's pretty gross to ship people with their guardians, even if they're both adults at the time, because that's called GROOMING.

"He isn't going to need the Water of Life. I'll make sure of that." ... How, Hijikata?! He's literally DYING of tuberculosis!

And now he's not eating :'(

"I just don't want to. Is that really a problem?" Yes, because you'll starve to death.

"Hm, you are a doctor's daughter... Maybe you just can't leave a sick guy alone?" Or maybe I just don't want YOU to die, ass >:'(

I WILL MAKE YOU WHATEVER YOU WANT, JUST EAT IT!!! Ooooooh! He's blushing :O

He doesn't like bitter stuff but wants me to put grated radish in his porridge? O_o Well, I'm glad that he's cooperating :D

"I'm only going to eat it if it's delicious." Well, if you don't like it, I'll try again! :D

"Don't think I've given up or something." Okay D': <3

EAT THE FOOD, OKITA >:D

"It makes me feel good..." Hooray ^_^

"Could you keep me company for a while?" :O Okey! :)

"What would I talk about?" HELLO DARKNESS MY OLD FRIEND...

"He wasn't afraid to die," um, weren't you eavesdropping on his conversation with the doctor? -_-

"I want to help... But I'm getting weaker every day." Of course you do :'( This is more heartbreaking than him saying that you're not part of the Shinsengumi and just annoying DX

Maybe tell him that everybody likes having him around and that the Shinsengumi is where he belongs? Or, we could just leave him to wallow in misery... I guess that works, too X_X

"I couldn't see someone like Okita succumbing to a mere disease." ... Why, exactly? Is he supposed to fight it off with his sword or persuade it to fuck off with the force of his personality?

"He'll be fine. Right...?" NOOOPE.

SAITO 😍 I mean, uh, whatever... Totally not bothered at all...

WAIT, HOLD ON: SPY-TO. Yes, thank you. I am a genius :3

Finally murdering Itou for realskies! :')

I get that Hijikata and everyone are trying to look out for Okita but he's terminally ill. Keeping him out of the action is only going to keep him miserable until his inevitable demise. :'(

"Saito'll be here for a few days, so you'll have someone to play with." -_- Bit patronising, Hijikata X_X

Kazama being his usual, charming self X_X

Let's go find Okita and... Tell him to go back to bed? Okay...

What the fuck!?!! Kaoru!?!!

Do we ever get a decent explanation for why Kaoru was sent to live with some abusive fucks?

Kaoru... Why are you so short? I bet you were malnourished X_X

Okita's just watching this unfold, chomping on imaginary popcorn...

"Do you just plan to use her, like Kazama does?" O_o... I fucking hope not, because that would be INCEST!!!

"... No," OH, THANK GOD.

"What would you have done if I'd said yes?" Ugh, you said no already! Can we please move this conversation in a less incestuous direction X_X

"... No. You're free to take her." OKITA!!! HE'S MY BROTHER X_X Not that I'm expecting you to leap to my defense but this conversation is WEIRD as FUCK.

:O The Ochimizu! Is Kaoru trying to help Okita?! Misguidedly, but still.

"But... if their plan is to simply use my dear sister as some sort of demonic broodmare... I can't allow that to happen." ... Kaoru... :'O That's... Actually really sweet XO This is the first time that someone who claims to be part of my family has actually looked out for me :')

Oh, so Kaoru wants to use Okita to protect me from Kazama! I have a feeling that he's going to be disappointed if he thinks that Okita will do what he tells him to but I appreciate the gesture :')

"Please don't do anything that would hurt Kondou so, Okita." Ugh, even as he lies dying, he's supposed to be worrying about upsetting other people? >:(

"Okita the Fury; Okita the beast." X_X Bit harsh but okay.

"He had traded away his soul." Um, since when? XD

"Happy now, Kaoru Naguno?" "Yes I am." ... Fair.

"... For falling into my trap." Wait, what?!? O_O

"I'm happy I got to make my sister suffer." Kaoru, why? D': WE COULD HAVE HAD IT AAAAAAAAAAAAAA-AAA-AAALLL!!! DX

I'm glad that Kaoru did away with the Nagumo fuckers >:( But still, why take it out on me?!

Even dressed as a boy, Kaoru still looks prettier than Chizuru...

*Sigh* looks like I'm being choked, as usual X_X

I feel like Kaoru could easily have given Okita something much worse than the Ochimizu if he REALLY wanted to make me suffer.

"I'd run out of things to say." X_X Again?!

"This was my decision and I don't regret it." That is good to know :)

"You shouldn't get involved with a guy like me." Oh, here we go X_X

"That came out of nowhere," Too right!

"No" uh, does that mean "no, I won't get involved with you" or "no, I won't do as you say"???

Uh, is he crying?! "Hey! You can't just act like you're sick when you want something!" XD What the actual fuck is happening right now???

"I'm dead" ... Uh... Really? Because... You seem very much alive...

"I don't think Kondou wants you around just because he wants you to do things for him." FINALLY, some sense!

Aaaand, apparently, it's earned me The Unblinking Stare of Doom >:(

"Do you mind not trying to speak for Kondou." Do you mind not assuming that he's so much of an asshole that he'd kick you out just because you're inactive during the day?! >:(

"It's not like you're capable of knowing exactly how Kondou truly feels." YES, YUKIMURA!!! GET HIM!! >:D

"Do you think Kondou would still need me... Even if I can't hold a sword anymore?" YES.

"You're right." I know :3

"I'm just jealous of you, Okita, that you have someone like Kondou by your side." Yeah. >:'( Fuck you, Kaoru, fuck you, Kodo :'(

"Oh yeah, huh... I totally forgot." Ffs, Okita XD

"They just happened to be there when you were born, you know?" Yeah! >:( And they can all go to hell!

"Somehow, my chin had acquired something of an arrogant tilt" yaaaas! You live your best life, girl! Let go of the haters, cut out the negativity! Stick it to 'em!

Chapter 5:

"How dangerous could foreign weapons be?" Oh, my sweet, Summer Sanan X_X

"Why are you going on night rounds with us?" ... Wait, what?! Why am I going on night rounds?

AS IF putting myself in danger is going to help Okita in any way X_X

DAMN, KONDOU... Nice, uh, blood you're accessorising with, there. O_O MEDIC!!!

"Lucky for us, they're idiots." Hooraaaay!

Okita's not going to be happy when he sees this...

Speak of the devil...

HIJIKATA, STOP BEATING ABOUT THE BUSH.

"I thought for a moment that Okita was going to grab Hijikata and shake him." :O :D Please yes!

Okita is suuuuuper keen to blame Hijikata for this -_-

"If he dies, it's your ass in the fire, Hijikata." Another excellent image but this pointless conversation has gone on for too long X_X

"I will find you, no matter where you may be, and I will kill you." O_O OKITA!! I THOUGHT THAT YOU SAID YOU WERE CALM!!! Bloody hell X_X

Oh no... What has Okita done now X_X

Killing spree, mad science, aggressive interrogation, Hijikata murder? The possibilities are endless with this stabby boi.

Where exactly am I running to? "I had finally found him." HOW?! With the power of love?! O_o

Looks like "Killing spree" it is X_X

"I'm about to murder you." Ffs Souji X_X

"I'm just doing my job." OH YEAH?!? THEN WHY DID YOU FEEL THE NEED TO GO BEHIND EVERYONE'S BACKS, HUH?!

"What's wrong with me doing what I'm doing?" Yeah, what's wrong with sadistically slaughtering a bunch of virtually defenceless men as they attempt to retreat?! -_-

"I just killed people, no matter who it was, as long as it was what Kondou wanted." *Sigh* Kondou's not going to be around for ever, you know? X_X Maybe TRY think about why your doing what you're doing. Maybe learn from Kondou's example?

"Do not ever act out and worry the chief like that again." XD You tell him, Saito!

"Idiots." XD Hijikata

"I didn't wake up until evening had arrived." Oh look, it's me :)

OH, FUCK. That looked like a Kaoru silhouette :O

Why do they keep saying that Kaoru "tricked" Okita into drinking the Water of Life?! Kaoru offered it and Okita drank it. No trickery here!

"They wanted to avenge Itou. You remember him? The man you deceived and murdered?" XD Can't argue with that :')

"shoot the weaker target first." UGH. Why do I always get SHOT!?!

"Call me what you want." Oh, I intend to 3:)

Omg, I didn't get shot! :O BECAUSE OKITA USED HIMSELF AS A HUMAN SHIELD O_O ... BUT WHY?!??

NO, DON'T CHECK UP ON ME! WE NEED TO MOVE BEFORE WE GET SHOT AT AGAIN!!!

Oh no! O_O Doesn't look like he'll be moving any time soon O_O

"Okita! Okitaaaaa!" O_O

"It kills me to see you hurt, just as much as it kills you to see Kondou hurt!" O: <3 :'(

"What an idiot.. " No, Kaoru! You're the idiot! Because you will never be happy while you continue down this sadistic, evil path, wasting your own life trying to destroy someone else's and refusing to let go of your spiteful jealousy >:( At least Okita's risking his life for something good.

"The more despair and anger you feel, the more you look like me." ... Silver linings! :)

D: Did they use silver bullets?! :O

Wait, when did Yamazaki get wounded?! :O

Bless Hijikata for letting me stay with my crush XD

Final Chapter:

Yamazaki is fine :D Hooray!

"They need men, so we need to go now..." Uh... Then why aren't you dressed? X_X

"... I want you to remain calm as I tell you this." That is... NOT AN ENCOURAGING WAY TO START A CONVERSATION O_O

D': Inoue has fallen. :'( It hurts every time DX

Aw, he looks really sad :'( and no wonder...

"as soon as we arrive, I'm gonna swing my sword at anyone and everyone." Uh... That's the spirit X_X

ONWARDS TO EDO

[timeaftertime-chriscornellfanfic]

Chapter 4 - Disappearing One

Toronto Ontario Canada, January 31 1972

Andi

"But John this is crazy... there's got to be some way to explain this,"

"Cathy, just relax. Andrea's  fine see? She's in her playpen, no harm done,"

"But I swear she wasn't there a second ago,"

The sound of my mother's voice filled with worry, echo throughout the living room as my father desperately tries to explain just where I've been for the last 8 minutes. If there was a way that I could explain with actual words, since I can't quite make out full sentences yet, I would just tell my mother that I was only just upstairs but 1 year before this current time.

Yes, I know it probably sounds crazy, and completely confusing so allow me to explain.

Ever since I can remember, which is pretty far back mind you, I've somehow been able to slip through time. I still can't quite put my finger on what actually causes me to do so but it's usually only for just a few minutes. As I got older, the length of time that I would slip increased from just a few minutes, hours to eventually days and weeks, even years.

Now I know what you're thinking... "How does one slip through time?"

It should be easy to explain the process but really, unless you've experienced it yourself it's hard to explain just exactly what happens. At first it feels like the most euphoric sensation you can think of. Like you're purely at peace with yourself, like nothing else in the world means anything anymore. Then it changes to nausea and dizziness like you just drank a 40 of Jack Daniels so fast it could make your head spin. Then, just like that, everything goes black and suddenly I'm somewhere else, naked and alone, trying to find clothes, shelter anything to protect myself.

When I was younger and I would time slip, most of the time I would just end up somewhere else in the house only it could be either 30 minutes before, or as far back as actually seeing my mother pregnant with me.

Yes I have gone back in time and met myself before. It's not a regular occurrence mind you, but It's pretty much how I taught myself to pick locks when I needed to and find the right places to hide if I so happened to end up in the middle of a sticky situation. Most of the time I was alright though. Most people, when they see a naked girl on the street, they try to help as much as they can rather than the opposite so for that I'm thankful.

Now I know most people would think "Well how the hell does that happen? What about the grandfather effect, the butterfly effect and all the other effects of nature that rule against the fact that you can go back in time?"

Well to tell you the truth, I don't know. It's not something I can explain. I can only say that I've only ever been able to travel as far back within my own life time. I can't go back and see the amazing symphonies that Beethoven wrote nor, go back as far to stop World War 2.

Meeting a your future self is something that's amazing and strange at the same time. Every time it would happen, my younger self always knew it was my older self. My older self knew not to tell my younger self about the future, but gave me useful tools like lock picking so that I could protect myself. I was very careful at not disrupting anything that could alter my future for the worse. And... like I said, it was very few and far between that I met up with myself anyways.

"Cathy, I think you're just imagining it,"

"John, I know what I saw. I set Andrea in her playpen turned around to grab her bottle and when I turned back she was gone,"

My father then walks over to me, his boots thudding against the hardwood floor. He picks me up, brushing a few curls out of my face while I smile at him and he places a kiss on my little forehead. Leaning into him, I giggle, resting my head on his shoulder, my little fingers playing with the shaggy curls of his dark golden hair that rest just at his shoulders, and that familiar smell of Aqua Velva after shave filling my nostrils with delight.

"What were you up to baby girl?"

His deep voice vibrates through my little frame and all I could manage was a giggle.

"Daaaady," I manage with my little voice and he chuckles placing another kiss on my forehead.

I think for the most part, my father was in denial of the whole thing. I know it frightened him to no end at the fact that his only daughter disappears for moments at a time, with no explanation and no reasoning and then re-appears as if nothing had ever taken place.

He sets me back down in my playpen and I continue on with playing with my little stuffies without a care in the world.

"John, I think we should take her to see Dr. Fresno... maybe he can figure out what going on,"

"Cathy, she's still so young, she's only 2 years old, I don't even know if a neurologist is going to even see anything wrong,"

"Are you kidding? John, it's been happening more frequent than you realize... but wait, you're hardly ever here with us so it makes sense why you're in such denial over it,"

Oh the inevitable arguing. They argue over everything and it always seems that my father is the one to blame. My mother always bringing up the fact that he was never home, that he was always on the road travelling with his band Steel Gates - a sort of Black Sabbath/MC5 hybrid- playing bars and clubs never bringing in any real money. I for one love my father's music. It's so real and the way he can play, I swear he was like the next Tony Iommi.

"Ok well, I gotta head out here and meet the guys at The Edge... are you meeting me later on?" My father says walking away from me and towards my mother, who just stands there with her arms crossed.

"No, I have Andrea to look after,"

"I told you, you can bring her... you know she loves it when she's around the band,"

She just stands there and glances back at me with her arms still crossed, reluctant to even say goodbye to him, even if it's just for a few hours. 

With that, he hesitates for a moment, as I laugh and giggle playing with my little furry friends, then leans in to place a kiss on my mother's temple though she still doesn't look at him. He then turns and grabs his leather jacket, slipping it on as his boots thud against the hardwood floor.

"Ok, well I'll be home later on tonight," His voice deep as he heads out the door, leaving my mother watching me as I play.

******

Toronto Ontario Canada, June 13 1976

"Ok sweetie, now place your fingers here, here and... here,"

"Like this daddy?" I ask looking at the fret board of my amber burst VOS guitar with a white pick guard, my dark little curls falling in my face.

"Uh huh, now strum,"

I scrunch up my face as I try to hold the strings down with my fingers, my father sitting across from me with his own Cherry Burst Gibson SG across his lap, reaching over and helping me place my fingers where they should be. I start to strum and the oddest sound emits from the amp but once I'm able to adjust my fingers perfectly, the beautiful distortion bellows through the amp.

"Yea... alright now put them all together... like this," My father smiles as he starts to play the three chords in succession like he showed me and I follow along with him as we play together.

I had been learning to play guitar from my father for the last few months since we discovered that music seems to calm the time slip episodes down. My mother insisted that we see Dr. Fresno to see just what exactly is causing the time slips and though my father reluctantly agreed to, he did eventually see that it was a good thing that I was seen by a neurologist.

I've been diagnosed with a neurological disorder - time displacency -not an actually medical term I know but there's never been a case quite like mine before. After some testing, Dr. Fresno discovered that it's a relation to epilepsy but is also triggered by a multitude of emotions, especially if I feel stressed or anxious. It can happen either consciously or subconsciously and when it does, a seizure will take place inside my brain at the exact moment, somehow causing a time slip. At first, the doctor did prescribe medication - the type that helps with epileptic seizures - but that was no use. I was still time slipping. Possibly even worse than before.

Nothing seemed to really work until one day I was in my father's studio  - I was 5 years old at the time -and I walked up to Cherry Burst Gibson SG, and started to play with the strings while it sat on the stand. I've always loved his Cherry Burst Gibson and when he noticed just how attached I became to that guitar, he got me one of my own for my 6th birthday - well not a Gibson but it looked exactly like one - so that I could practice with him. He was amazed at how quickly I was learning Chords and strumming for only being 6 years old.

"...ok now change... good... now D...." He smiles as he watches me keep up with him though I keep my eyes glued to my fingers making sure I was changing to the right chord properly. Then he starts to improvise on his own, playing a little solo part while I continue to strum and I look up at him and laugh.

"Wait daddy wait... I wanna do that," I giggle and he smiles at me.

"Alright sweetie go ahead..." He chuckles and I attempt to try to improvise but everything sounds completely out of tune. I scrunch my face up again and stop but my father continues to urge me on.

"I'm not really good at that," I say and he chuckles a little.

"Andrea it's alright... just keep going, you'll get it," He smiles at me. We continue to play, with him teaching me some more and after a little while I hear my mother come down the stairs.

"Andrea, your lunch is ready," She calls and I set my guitar down back on it's stand beside me.

"You coming with me daddy?" I ask.

"No sweetie, you go on ahead, I've got to work on some stuff down here," He says sweetly as he sets his guitar back down on it's stand.

"Ok... um... can I come back down when I'm done?" I ask.

"Of course you can sweetie, you know that," He chuckles and pulls me into him and starts tickling me. I begin to laugh and squeal as he laughs as well, then eventually letting me go but not before placing a kiss on the top of my head.

"I love you daddy,"

"I love you too baby," 

*****

Toronto Ontario Canada,  May 15 1985

"Damn it John, I can't do this with you anymore! I told you this is it! You need to leave!"

"Babe - "

"Don't 'Babe' me. It's done! It's over now just get the hell outta here!"

It was the middle of the night and I wake from my sleep hearing voices coming from downstairs. I push the covers off me and quietly get out of bed, rubbing my eyes to rid the sleep as my dark curls fall down around me. Once I reach the hallway, I can hear my mother screaming at my father from the front door.  As much as you think you get used to hearing your parents fight, you never really do. This time though, it was different.

"Cathy just hear me out ok? It was nothing, it meant nothing - "

"No! Don't fucking touch me! I want you outta here! Just get the fuck outta here!"

I quietly sit myself down on the top of the staircase as I listen to their fight. Even though I was still half asleep, I could feel this strange feeling deep inside my chest. I could hear my father pleading with my mother but she was not giving in. There were so many times before when they fought, that I just brushed it off, not letting it affect me. They were never terribly mean to each other, such as calling each other names or anything from what I  remember, but this time like I said, was different. My mom was just letting it all out calling him everything that you could think of and it makes me wonder just what he did to make her so angry. If he did anything at all.

The strange feeling in my chest grew as he continued to plead with her but she still wouldn't give in. Moments later I hear the front door slam and my mother quietly crying. She then appears at the bottom of the stairs and as she takes a few steps she sees me sitting at the top.

"Andrea, what... what are you doing?" She asks looking away wiping away a tear. I say nothing as she looks back up at me.

"I'm sorry you... heard all that... I didn't mean to - "

"Don't mom, just don't," I say trying to hold my tears back, though I'm not sure why I'm feeling like I need to cry in the first place.

"Andrea - "

She starts but I rise from the stairs and turn to make my way back to my room.

"Andrea honey..." She says as I hear her voice breaking while she attempts to hold back her tears.

"Don't! Just leave me alone," I say, still not recognizing my own voice, hearing myself begin to cry as I hear my mother following behind me. I've never felt like this after they've argued. I've always been able to push the feeling away. Shoving it down into the pit of my stomach and only release it when I play my guitar that my father gave me. This time it's different. I can feel my chest tighten and it feels like I can't breathe.

"Andrea - "

"Go away!" I exclaim and slam my bedroom door leaving her outside in the hallway. As much as I try to will this feeling away, I can feel it growing.

Why? What is this? Why does this hurt so much?

As I feel my heart begin to pick up pace, I close my eyes, standing in the middle of my dark bedroom surrounded with posters of Black Sabbath, Aerosmith, Ramones, and Motorhead, I start to feel euphoric, almost like an adrenaline rush, then completely at peace, then suddenly I feel dizzy and nauseous, like I'm about to vomit.

"Oh god," I exhale and suddenly there's a quick flash of light and everything goes completely black.

**************************************************************************************************

[eponymous-rose]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E32 (August 28, 2018)

Tonight’s guests are Liam O’Brien and Sam Riegel!

Announcements: 

No Talks Machina next Tuesday, but they will be back the following week to discuss episode 33 of CR. Next Tuesday, instead of Talks, they’re filming something very special for the new channel. Sam: “You are? Oh, god.” 

Handbooker Helper premieres tomorrow at 10 AM Pacific Time at youtube.com/criticalrole! The first episode focuses on dice basics. 

There’s a new charity drive for the Pablove Foundation, dedicated to research toward ending children’s cancer; they’ve already hit the first $20k benchmark, which means Sam will be DMing a game of Crash Pandas! The next goal is $50k, which will be used to establish a research grant.

@critrolestats for this episode:

Nott has successfully disguised herself 12 times since the campaign started.

Caleb’s most-cast spells (in order): Alarm, Firebolt, and Identify.

The party has spent 55 of their 81 days together on the road.

Gustav’s sentence in Trostenwald lasted 77 days. He averaged about 7 gold, 8 copper per day of work.

Is Nott freaked out after her adventure with Jester went so badly? “Nott is always freaked out to do anything, but is starting to loosen up a bit and trust that-- at least up until this last episode-- trust that her friends could get her out of most scenarios. Maybe she’ll be a little more hesitant in the future.” She might “take one of the responsible ones along, like Fjord or Caleb.” Liam: “Yeah, you should bring someone sharp and level-headed, in case you need to go to a hospital...”

Caleb loves that a fan points out the parallels between Caleb’s similarities to the protagonist in the Dark Tower books: “Caleb wants to do really specific things, and he is not done with that. They’re potentially harmful, and I think that before he started traveling with these people, the main thing was getting them to trust me, and form a working relationship, but the bigger problem now is, does their friendship become a problem? Do I want to get close to you if I know potentially that I’ve got to walk away from you at a bad moment?” There’s another element he can’t talk about yet where he took more direct inspiration from The Dark Tower. He’s not sure yet which way Caleb will end up veering, and whether there’s a point where he’ll prioritize his friends over his long-term goals. “For all characters, there’s what he tells himself is the deal, and what’s really the deal. I’m enjoying not knowing where the hell it’s going.”

“Nott doesn’t really much care about Gustav, but also does not give a shit about money. It’s a means to an end for her.” Other than providing a little security for herself and Caleb, “the other stuff is way cooler, the little buttons and stuff.” When the opportunity came to pay so much for Gustav’s release, “she was like, ‘Yeah, sure, great.’”

Sam and Nott both wanted to know more about Molly’s past. Liam wanted to know, but Caleb didn’t care. Especially since Molly emphasized not caring about his past, and they didn’t know each other too well, Caleb was satisfied to just take that at face value. Molly’s experience was also interesting as a complete opposite to Caleb’s own experience of being completely consumed by his past.

Sam and Liam talk about how they both think about the show constantly throughout the week. Liam: “And I also spend 10% of my week thinking about Vax, too.”

Gif of the Week: Caduceus learns how much money 400 gold is. There may or may not be a live voiceover version of the text.

Why does Caleb still use fire? “Caleb feels like he needs to work through it, ‘cause fire’s not going anywhere. Maybe something that will come out eventually is the reason that fire is his first and he has a real affinity for it now. The fire is natural progression. The Fireball is something that Caleb got just from leveling up, so I took that for him to be understanding what he can already do and magnifying it. It’s the strongest weapon in his arsenal. He needs to master the misery and the pain so he’s ready to deal with facing his ex-teacher someday, or other people.” On Beau being the one to bring him back each time lately: “He likes that. It’s a flawed friendship, it’s not affectionate the way Caleb and Nott is, but that’s okay. The instinct to bet big and tell her everything came from a sense of shared interest, and shared point of view. They’re still very different, but there’s a lot in common there.” A lot of the things she does has been reaffirming his choice to take a chance on her.

Nott’s aware that she’s been more and more powerful, and so she’s been drinking less in battle situations. “She’s still skittish and gets nervous about stuff, but they’ve survived and succeeded in enough fights now that she’s becoming a little more brave.” Liam asks if Nott knows how gifted she is. Sam: “She’s aware that she can do things better than other folks in the group, but she probably would not think those things are the most spectacular.” Liam talks about how Caleb and Nott are “two different kinds of gifted weirdos.” Sam: “Just like us. Except for the ‘gifted’ part.”

Caleb was impressed by Caduceus’ approach to the Ettin encounter.

Sam: “Something that I just decided about goblins: they have short lifespans, and they’re also super brutal and just attack and they’re mean and get hungry and all this stuff, so I just thought, maybe goblins are just like unrestrained id.” A lot of Nott’s character came from that thought.

It felt really strange for Nott and Caleb to be welcomed by Alfield when they arrived. Caleb’s concerned about their amplified visibility in the Empire, which isn’t sitting well with him. At least when they’re affiliated with the Gentleman and the criminal element, it keeps the visibility away. Nott’s hesitant to be in the spotlight, but has also realized that cheering means fewer thrown rocks, so that’s good.

Fanart of the Week: Jester and Caduceus strolling through town.

There’s a brief foray into autoerotic asphyxiation. As you do.

Liam, Taliesin, and Marisha have all met SideBySamuel. The mystery continues.

Caleb on the dodecahedron: “It’s a little too perfect.” It confirms what he believes---that it has to be possible to manipulate time---and drives him forward. He wonders about the source that this thing is a splinter of. He’s also wondering if the Academy’s project is one and the same. “Time travel is good. It definitely does not endanger present reality.”

“What is Talks Machina, Brian?”

Brian: “We have to put a stop to this.”

Sam: “On the surface, Nott noticed that Caleb mentioned Astrid and probably just thinks that it would be nice to have a young lady in his life.” Dani: “I called your ex-girlfriend the other day, and we’re having lunch.” Sam: “I hear she’s a doctor...” Liam: “I’m tired of coming over to these dinners, ma.” Sam: “I hear the wizard down the street got married...”

Liam on Astrid: “That would be bad stuff. Bad news. I don’t know if it’s good or bad, but it’s complicated.” Sam: “Astrid has got to be either super bad guy now, super dead, or something else we don’t know about.” Liam: “One of the many things Caleb wonders about every night before he goes to sleep, about both his friends. He doesn’t know. It’s been 16 years since he saw them last.” He’s 33 now. The fire happened when he was about 16, he was in the asylum for 11-ish years, and then he was traveling on his own for about five.

Nott worries about Caleb “about the same” in battle, but she’s definitely noticing the others stepping up, especially Beau, to watch out for and protect him. Sam points out that Liam’s strategy has been excellent lately to keep Caleb out of danger. “Nott always has an eye on Caleb, and Sam always has an eye on Caleb.” Liam: “That’s what Vax did. I would override common sense consciously because I thought it was in-character.” He still has to suppress his first instinct to have Caleb fling himself into danger for his friends.

On the surface, Caleb knows it’s not a good thing for Nott to be so affectionate toward him, but deep down, Caleb really appreciates Nott’s affection. “With Beau, there’s no affection, but he feels like he should be called an asshole and a shit, and he feels like he deserves it. It will keep him sharpened and on task.” He likes, on an unconscious level, what he gets from both of them for different reasons.

Which pet does Nott want to eat first? The weasel. Definitely. Sam ventures a theory that the pets represented the members of Vox Machina. The truth is out there, Sam.

To Caleb, it felt a bit wrong to turn his back on the Empire given everything that’s happening right now and everything that has to happen there in the future.

Talks Machina: After Dark: When It Gets Dirty (Big Dick Peanut Butter Energy)

Liam brings out both his Speak-n-Spell voice and his ~Cuddlefish~ voice. He also does a Nott impression. Sam: “You sound like Miss Piggy on acid.”

Nott’s not looking forward to the beach. Caleb’s interested in the beach in a Death in Venice kind of way. Brian ventures a guess that they’re going to discover that Caleb’s just inexplicably super ripped.

What tricks do they want to teach the pets? Liam: “Maybe ‘Die Instead Of Me’.”

Does Beau secretly have a gooey center? Sam and Liam, in unison: “Ask Keg.”

Nott feels safe with the M9 around, not because they protect her, but because they protect each other. “She’s always relied on Caleb for protection, and now I think she’s relieved more than surprised that she doesn’t have to put that burden on Caleb, or each other. That they have a support group of people that can help them and keep them out of danger.”

Nott expects Jester’s mom to be a “real sweet, fine, fancy lady.” Liam: “Caleb had good parents, and everything that Jester describes does not sound great to him.” He doesn’t say anything to her about it because he doesn’t feel like he can give advice. Dani: “My parents that I killed were awesome. As a child of great parents, that I murdered...”  He keeps asking about her childhood, and he’s fond of her, so he’s dismayed about what he hears, but he feels like he can’t say anything about it.

Liam: "My least favorite thing about Sam is how much of a fucking food snob he and his wife are. It’s unbearable, mostly because I want the food.” Sam: “The thing that I love most about Liam is that he’s a gentle love, but he’s a kind soul. He wants to help people. But he can’t because he’s too busy.” Liam: “True, true, true. What I like about Sam is he’s the living embodiment of Shakespeare’s Fools. He’s seemingly a buffoon, but if you know him well, you know that there’s no end to the depth and soul of his character. He is skating on talent and wit.”

Liam: “I don’t know how cameras work.”

[paw-patrol-kiddo]

2018 for my regressive side

Oh my gosh, we’re at the end of the year already! It went by sooooo fast!!! I’m a shook baby hee hee hee

Anyways, as some of y’all may remember, I did a post like this last year! Things have happened since then, things have changed-- and I wanna cover it all! I don’t think I’d call this the best year of my life (I say this because I’m not so sure about 2017 being the best year of my life anymore tbh), but it was still pretty dang good!!! Had its hard parts and such, bu otherwise, was a v good year!!!!

Y’all probs know the drill: I write mostly about my age regression adventures this year, with occasional bits of my Teenage Life(tm) sprinkled in here and there! I try to keep the latter to very important events, though (frankly, I think I have failed terribly at this, but do I care? At this point in my life, not really tbh), and mostly focus on regression when I can.

If you wanna do somethin like this for what this year held for your regressive side, feel free to!! I’d love if ya tagged me in it so I can read it!

Are we ready for the year review? I am and hope you are! It’s below the cut if ya wanna read it! Here we go!!!

January of course started off with my 16th birthday! It also marked five years (note: I miswrote this as either five or six in my first year review post! It’s actually been five, almost six years now) since I started liking diapies again, something that’s been a part of my life on-and-off since 2010 for sure, though I think I’ve liked them since at least 2008 according to my memories and the vibes I get from them!

“Chloe, why is this important?” You probably ask as you read that sentence.

Well, personally, I think it’s a huge part of what led me to begin age regressing! I started off liking diapies, then I started wondering about “being and acting like a baby/toddler again”, I started acting on some of the desires and urges I got as a result whenever I could, and well, it went on from there as we can see!

Towards the end of this month, I got some cool baby toys, more toddler snacks, and another pack of binkies! That was a pretty good-ish day from what I’m able to remember. c:

Oh yeah! I gots another rattle before then! She was one of the only good parts of a terrible day. I still love her so much.

This month, I also began seeing a friend irl again that I refer to here as friendo! We first met when we were 12, saw each other again twice when we were both 13, and then never met again... until back in 2017 at a Halloween event! For most of this year, we saw each other weekly, and I’m so happy to say that friendo is my best irl friend. He’s really an amazing guy. He doesn’t know it, but he’s helped me get through the rest of my depressive episode.

Yup, I said it. Remember when I said I thought the episode I had back in November last year was over and that I probably just cheated one and thus was irritable as a result? Hoo, buddy, I was so wrong... I was still depressed and had no idea and it blew up in my face. It was bad. I’m talking being hardly able to get my chores done, being able to get out of bed being a miraculous achievement, happiness being a rare feeling. 

It was so bad that my doctor told me if I kept having problems, we’d have to talk about “getting a mood stabilizer or anti-depressant on board”. 

Fortunately, it hasn’t reached that point, and things started getting gradually better when I finally admitted I was depressed and got help after things took a sharp turn for the worse briefly (my parents even let me take a few days off of my chores so I could focus on resting and recovery! They’re no strangers to depression themselves).

The only happy thing I can really note during this time involving regression is that I discovered one of the very few things that could make me feel happy that wasn’t involving my special interests: Wearing diapers. It’s kinda funny to me!  Depressed me was quick to figure out that was likely one of her best ways to cope. 

That event sucks because now whenever I start feeling sad for more than one day, well, as you can imagine I immediately begin worrying that it’s coming back for another round. Whenever I stop feeling as happy, I start observing myself more closely. The thought of it coming back actually scares me.

I know one thing for sure: If that beast comes back, I’m going to get myself medicated for it ASAP. I’d really rather not, but if it comes back, then I guess it’s safe to say that seeing as I’ve struggled with depression on-and-off since at least 2013, medication’s probably a good idea!

Man! How’s that for a ramble? Let’s move on and talk about February! My ex came back to me after he stopped talking to me in October. At first, I was so happy! I quickly began befriending him again, especially after I learned that his ex-girlfriend, whom he had just broke up with, was less-than-ideal towards him.

But then I discovered he wanted to get back with me and was actively trying to get me to. I was scared if I flat-out said “I do not want to get back with you. I want to just be friends”, he’d flip out in the bad way. Honestly, he probably would. So what did I do?

Did what I felt was best to do with the help of Mama.

Let’s just say we’re not friends anymore. :3c I still feel bad about it sometimes, but hey, I can write An Actual List of problems involving our relationship, romantic and otherwise, so I guess it’s valid to not be comfortable with being his friend anymore, especially since it’s clear he just wants me back with him, no matter how I feel. He still stares at me whenever we play baseball. It bothers me a lot. Hopefully, he’ll get over me soon.

On the more positive and regressive side of things, some cool things happened. Friendo also pretty much called me out about me being little a lot (even when I’m big!) and accepted it without realizing it. Some may say he didn’t, but I think he did and it means so much to me. Pretty sure I almost cried of joy when that happened. I think about it every now and then and love friendo a little more. He’s a keeper for sure when it comes to friends!

March was w i l d. First day into the month, I literally had one of my then-rare nonverbal episodes. I was worried that maybe I was beginning to become depressed again as I noticed I was beginning to feel more tired. As I know now, turns out it was just my autistic burnout kind of setting back in-- oh, and my anxiety beginning to reach the point where I couldn’t cope anymore. But I didn’t know this at the time.

I shrugged it off briefly-- until I had another episode while on voice-chat with friendo. And another one the next day while on a real life trip to a museum. And then another when Kim came to visit... The nonverbal episodes rapidly became a close-to-daily experience, sometimes totally daily. As I watched myself “regress” as my mom and aunt put it, I was confused and scared about what was happening to me. The confusion eased once I figured out it was burnout, but obviously the fear didn’t really.

I went off my ADHD medication I was taking at the time (Adderall) towards the end of the month. I still find it interesting that I couldn’t regress on it. I don’t quite know why! I just couldn’t.

I tried taking two other medications after, but they... didn’t quite work, at least in pleasant ways. I won’t go into detail on those!

Kiddo-wise, I got new window curtains for my room! They’re one of the first things I see every morning. It’s very nice~ One of the things that gives my room the kiddy vibe of it. Oh, and I got a Paw Patrol bowl this month, too! I love to eat Cheerios out of it~

Literally the last day of this month, guess what happened? Kim moved in! That was an awesome day~ It sucked seeing her cry, though (that part right there? A bit of a personal part that I suppose I won’t share since I’m not sure if she’d be okay with it or not)

April was a Nice Month! I finally started going to occupational therapy (I was originally going to start in May, but I got pushed forward a month) and I can say with confidence it’s helped me a lot in the time I got to go. My occupational therapist taught me a lil trick I can do before I actually try eating any foods I want to try and it’s made my life much easier. I can try all the kiddy foods I want now without feeling as anxious about it! :D Who would’ve known that I’d like peanut butter sandwiches and string cheese? I wouldn’t have! Also, the Wilbarger brush? A gift to mankind imo

What else happened this month? Let’s see here... I went on anxiety medication via suggestion of my therapist/psychologist (oh my gosh, life-changer right there friends, 10/10, I actually don’t know how I lived without it), watched my nonverbal episodes take a major decrease afterwards, and Mommy surprised me with a pack of diapies with tapes! I can definitely say I prefer diapies with tapes, but I’m not that picky. Actually, I kind of am. It depends on how old I’m regressing to. Then I’m kinda picky, heh heh

May tbh? A pretty quiet month. All I can note is that summer break started for Kai and I and we both got to actually take a full summer break without the usual math-work we have to do! (I’m dyscalculic and prone to what my mom and I call “math skill regression”, so that’s why I have to practice. Idk about Kai, but I think it’s because she seems to have some difficulties with math herself)

The day I was told about our Complete Summer Break(tm), man, I flipped! I told myself I would make this summer the littlest one ever! Did I succeed? Sadly, no. But hey, there’s always next summer! And the next one if that doesn’t work out...

June was super-duper cool! I got a new bed to replace my queen-sized one and I managed to get a complete Paw Patrol bed set for it! I love my bed so much~ It’s so cute and Literally Perfect, especially when we consider the fact that I also have a weighted blanket with Elsa and Anna from Frozen on it! (I’ve actually had it for about two years now, but it’s not shown in the photo-set in the link!) Oh, and let’s not forget the Pillow Pet I’ve used as my main pillow since I first received it back in 2010! (That’s not in the photo-set either!)

The day after I got my new bed? Baseball ended for the summer. I knew what to do the first Saturday of no baseball. Funny enough, as if she read my mind, Mama surprised me with some Paw Patrol bandages that day! They always cheer me up whenever I get a boo-boo :3c

Towards the end of this month, I celebrated this blog’s one year anniversary! I am seriously so glad I made this blog. If I hadn’t, I can’t imagine what my life would be like, where I’d still be hiding this from A LOT of people, where I likely wouldn’t have met and become friends with quite a bit of y’all, where I wouldn’t have become more comfortable with myself. I’m sure I’d be very unhappy and feeling so trapped and lonely involving this. Otherwise... I simply can’t imagine what my life would be like otherwise.

As if I observed this day without thinking, I went to the Dollar Store pretty much next to Easter Seals (where I went for occupational therapy) place and had quite the shopping trip! That was fun~

July was a pretty nice month, I suppose! Early this month marked one year since I first wore a diaper for the first time since my first childhood! I just had to observe it in a specific way (aka wearing a diaper), only the day before the actual anniversary itself. Funny enough, Kim’s cat ended up coming to live with us that day! Her name is Rogue and she's really cute! She can be really mean sometimes, though. She ended up having kittens later this month~

Another regression-related thing that happened was that while we were on vacation, I got some cool toys! I got a train with lil block things on it, three stacking cars, a pink spiky ball, and two teddy rattles! I... still need to post pictures of those, apparently. I also got a dinoroar plushie that I named Jackson! He’s one of my favorite plushies and I love him a lot. I should post a piccy of him on here sometime!

Something else that happened on vacation was that I went nonverbal the second day of being there. Everyone, including me, was chill since it was normal by then. I went to bed that night and woke up the next morning, only to find I was still nonverbal. Talk about quite a shock for everyone! (I normally stop being nonverbal once I sleep, so this was really weird for me)

I ended up spending the rest of the vacation nonverbal, which I was pretty chill with, save for some problems communicating in a hot-tub without my tablet (Kim had a hard time keeping up with what I signed). 

The day after we got home, back came my verbal skills. Five days later? If I’ve got my memory of what day correct, I heard Dad coming home from where he volunteers occasionally and suddenly got the paralyzing feeling in my throat I usually get just before I go nonverbal. In around ten minutes, I was nonverbal, but for seemingly no reason. 

Save for two or so brief breakthroughs, I spent quite a while without mouth-words. My family and therapist and I have figured out what the cause is likely since then. (It’s quite long... I actually had the explanation here, but removed it cause it was Way Too Long. If anyone’s curious, I’m okay with talking about it if anyone wants to message me n ask about it~)

August isn’t very exciting! 

Non-kiddo wise, I got my IPad to use as an AAC device! I use Proloquo2go on it if anyone’s curious. I honestly love it a lot.

Kiddo-wise, the only thing I can really note is that I... kinda started sucking my thumb again. Oops :3c Kim’s made me mostly stop though, by kind of using consequences for me if I didn’t stop and get my chew necklace I like to suck on (One big example I can think of: “Go get your necklace or we won’t cuddle anymore.”). She even had Kai take over redirecting me when she left for Texas the next month! It’s not fun, but I guess I don’t need to risk making my already severe overbite worse.

September didn’t have a lot either! The only thing I can think of noting is that I tried some Paw Patrol mac n cheese. Either the two or so brands I’ve tried weren’t that good or I just don’t like mac n cheese! Who knows? I’m probably gonna try Kidfresh’s mac n cheese if I can actually find it irl and if I don’t like it, I think we can safely conclude that I just don’t like mac n cheese.

October was a v nice month as semi-usual the past couple years! I finally got some Kidfresh food to try out. I like their super-blastin’ triple cheese pizza bites a lot! I don’t like their chicken meatballs, though. I have quite a bit of foods I wanna try from Kidfresh next and I can’t quite decide which, but I’ll probably try their cheese pizza or chicken nuggets or maybe their fish sticks next!

I also went trick-or-treating for Halloween! it was super fun, except when Kai got upset about being treated Not So Great by others (Example: People loved to give kiddos multiple pieces of candy and just give her one piece when her turn came, despite having lots of candy for everyone... Can confirm this myself) and when I used my IPad to say trick-or-treat for the first time there, I was greeted by the lady turning away from me, apparently no longer paying attention to me, and beginning to go on about “kids playing on their phones and tablets”... How’s that for hurtful? Last time I checked, Halloween was for everyone, no matter how they say trick-or-treat.

In case anyone’s wondering, I’m going trick-or-treating again next year and have no plans to stop ever cause I’m stubborn. :3c I’m just going to find a place that will be cool with people “too old to be trick-or-treating” trick-or-treating to take my trick-or-treating business-- and hey, maybe I won’t have to encounter any ableism there!

November has nothing I can note besides me getting a new pair of overalls! This was not only useful seeing as I might be getting close to outgrowing my first pair I got a few years back, but also welcome! It’s nice having overalls that are blue instead of some green country print thing all over.

December was... an adventure! I slowly began regaining my mouth words, which means that I can babble again (A lot of the sounds I make while babbling are apparently inaccessible to me when I’m nonverbal as I’ve discovered)! It’s nice being able to babble to myself again when I’m very small instead of just staying silent and occasionally giggling, squealing, and perhaps vocal stimming in the way I’m able to when I’m nonverbal.

At Walmart, while shopping for some fellow kiddo friends (y’all know who y’all are, hee hee hee~), I ended up picking up some small stuff for myself! I got another Paw Patrol plate, a set of bath toys, and a doggie and piggy rattle! I’ve posted a piccy of the plate already, but not everything else! Guess that’s some of the stuff I need to do for next year~

Christmas was great! I got lots of toys! I also got quite a bit of Paw Patrol merch! I love my new toys so much. I’m especially glad that I finally have more blocks to play with, and another Mr. Potato Head I can make super great creations with, like monsters n aliens disguised as a repairman!

Oh! I also got a Fisher-Price record player toy after wanting it for so long! I love it soooo much!! Whenever I play with it, I get so flappy n clappy n wiggly n vocal stimmy... I just have so much love for it! It’s definitely one of my favorite toys to play with right now.

I also got a 3D model of the solar system that I’m gonna build n hang up in my room sometime soon! I actually had a 3D model of the solar system in one of my kiddo room fantasies for the longest time omg. Oooh, if I can find a way to get rid of the popcorn ceiling (never put glow-in-the-dark stuff on a popcorn ceiling), I bet it would go so good with another glow-in-the-dark star set that also includes a big 3D moon and 6 meteorite stones! Y’all, my room just gets cuter and more kiddie-like as time goes on...

As we can all see, I’ve had quite the year! It’s had its good and bad parts of course, and I’d say overall, it was a pretty good year! Hmm, you know what? I should list some people who have played a role in making this year Great!

Mommy - Mama, I can’t even begin to express how thankful I am for all you’ve done for me. The past year you’ve taken me to therapy appointments, held me and bottlefed me, and helped me finally get occupational therapy after wanting to go for 3 years. You’re such a beautiful person, inside and out. You love me for who I am, and I love you for who you are right back <3

Daddy - I didn’t list you last year, but to be honest, I think I should this year! You’re trying your best and I can appreciate that. From taking me to therapy appointments, to being okay with me using bottles and sippy cups, to getting me that Paw Patrol nightlight back in May if I’m correct, you’ve done a lot for me. You’re a good dad. I need to tell you that more often. I love you Daddy.

Kai - You’re such a good sister I can’t even begin-- You’re just? so accepting of me??? and you’re such a good person???? I’m love you????? Seriously, thank you for being there for me pretty much all our lives and taking care of me whenever I needed it, especially early this year during my depressive episode. Love ya sis <3

Kim - I, umm... I love you!! You’re so sweet, gentle, and you’re so accepting of my age regression (or as you call it, “identifying as a 7-year-old”). I had lots of fun browsing the toy aisle with you that one time! I’ve miss you lots since you decided to stay in Texas back in October, but hey, at least you’ll visit us sometimes! And you’ve got a nice man I actually like to live your life with. Love ya sissy <3

Ray - You’re super cool and adorable~ (Random fun fact: I tend to think of you whenever I read- or hear- the word “Ray”) Also, I still love that mood board ya made me back in 2017. I’m never gonna get over it! Hope you’re doing alright, buddy <3

Cass - It’s been even longer since we talked! You haven’t been on Tumblr in a while it seems, actually. I hope you’re doing okay and that you’re just busy (in a good way, preferably) and that’s why you haven’t been online! You’re so cute and sweet. Whenever I can, you know what I’m gonna do? Take a picture of my bumblebee plushie and send it to you, just for you <3

Leah - Oh goodness, you’re someone else who I haven’t talked to in a while, as well as who seems to not have been as active as of late. I hope you’re doing okay! I can’t thank you enough for the times you checked on me when I wasn’t okay. You are... so sweet I literally can’t

Meena - You are literally... so cute! You’re super sweet, too! I always have lots n lots of fun whenever we video-chat n talk together! You n Iku are actually the first people whom I met on Tumblr I’ve gotten to video-chat with! Also, your cats are so pure n good I can’t. Please pet them for me if you can! (I love both you and Iku so much)

All my followers - Whether or not we’ve talked before, I love and appreciate all of my followers! According to my Totally Professional Research(tm), I have discovered a link between my followers and cuteness! I have lots of love for each and every one of y’all. Thanks for following me~

2018 has proven to be quite the adventure full of different discoveries, like that I’m very good at horse-riding, that I can spend at least an hour playing with my rattles and other baby toys if I want to, that I apparently have IBS... It’s been quite the ride!

This year has also proven to be the year of growth for me. I’m beginning to stand up for myself and my needs more often, I’ve become more proud of who I am, and each day that passes, I love myself more and continue to become less afraid to be who I truly am.

I can’t wait to see what next year will bring, and what kind of person I’ll become as time goes on. I’m sure my evolution of who I am as a person isn’t quite finished yet. Whatever I become, it’s bound to be wonderful. And most importantly, I get to enter next year with each and every one of y’all.

From my plushies, plush rattles, and I, happy, happy new year! May you learn to love yourself if you haven’t quite yet, your babas/sippies/kiddo cups always remain full of your favorite kiddo drink, and you always have lots of your favorite kiddy/baby things, whether it’s toys, diapies, binkies, or baby food n toddler snacks! 

As always, remember to stay little/tiny/small.

[iamsoneurotic]

Enter, Levi: The Final Chapter Part II

8 Months later is better than never I guess.

I had intended to write a second post about Levi’s birth (as I did with both Milo and Noli), but as it turns out, free time isn’t really a thing when you have 3 kids. Go figure. Anyway, where did I leave off… The boy was born.

The C-section left Rachael bedridden for the duration of our stay at the hospital, which is pretty typical. From what I’ve been told, it’s not so bad - the doctors load you up with pain meds and you’re out the door in a couple of days, ready to take on the world with a baby in one hand and a bottle full of pills in the other. Well, due to an allergy to Ibuprofen, Rach was denied the good drugs and had to settle for a less effective Tylenol substitute which may have been less effective than somebody flicking her in the ear to distract her from the pain in her healing wound. To make matters even worse, she was fighting a horrible cough and every hack of the lung made her feel like she was being gutted like a fish.

As sort of an icing on the crap cake, her IV slipped out of her vein at some point during the first night and caused her arm to swell and rash. Her stay was divine to say the least.

Speaking of crap cakes, guess who was on diaper duty by default! Well that’s nothing new, I’m usually on diaper duty just because my lovely wife secretly loathes me (we have a dog now, by the way. Guess who gets the honor of cleaning up his little backyard nuggets). This particular series of diaper changes, however, stands out more than the others because Levi pooped a mountain’s worth over the next few weeks. Not exaggerating. He went through every phase on the newborn poo color wheel in a matter of hours. Something was clearly afoot, I’ve been around this whole breastfeeding business for a while now and I know for a fact he was exporting more than he was taking in. Pretty sure milk doesn’t have corn in it either.

There’s a video of his first changing… I can’t even post it. It’s just that awful. I don’t even know why we would have filmed something like that in the first place.

One last poo item to discuss - there was one nurse who was a complete POS. Her shift consisted of coldly telling Rachael to suck it up and walk so they could discharge us and berating her about everything she did ranging from how she breastfed Levi to, I don’t know, the way she wore her hair that day. She was a real piece of work. Not sure if there’s a polite way to wish Ebola on somebody, but I’m all ears.

There was a bright side to Rachael being confined to her bed, it meant I got more time to hold Levi. Given the stress of his birth, I had no desire to ever put him down - thank goodness he only weighed a little over 6lbs, our lightest one yet!

I noticed while holding him that he bore a striking resemblance to Don Rickles.

Leading up to the birth, I had “joked” that I was looking forward to the time away from the kids while we stayed at the hospital. I was wrong, I missed my babies. Before we had left, Noli was really upset that we were leaving him - that image of him sitting on the steps broken hearted was burned into my brain the whole visit. Milo didn’t seem to care much, he gets away with more when daddy’s not home (Noli was yet to figure this out). So after 2 days of not showering, Rachael approved of my release so I could go home, see the boys, scrub the thin layer of Italian grease off of my flesh, and let her mom see the baby for a while.

It was a nice little visit. The boys and I wrestled, built Legos, and I showed them pictures of the baby. Noli was needier than usual and didn’t like that I had to leave again to go back to the hospital, luckily my mom stopped by to take the boys to her place so I could catch a break for a few… For the record, however, I didn’t take a break for fear that Rachael would sense my relaxation and unleash the hordes of hell upon me.

Advice for any new dads out there: NEVER enjoy yourself while your wife is in pain or holding a child. Don’t close your eyes, don’t smile, don’t sit comfortably in a chair, and if you absolutely HAVE to eat, make sure the food gives you indigestion… But not diarrhea, because woman have figured out that bathrooms are a man’s place of peace. There can be no peace.

…

I’m literally not kidding.

Long story short - she thought I was gone too long and as penance, I bought her Pei Wei and she reluctantly showed mercy.

I screwed a number of things up with this birth. First was posting Levi’s picture to Facebook before Rachael had even seen him, second was having the audacity to take a shower at our house, and the third thing happened after being discharged from the hospital. When we got home, I rushed the baby into the house so he wouldn’t get cold. Inside the house my parents were waiting with cameras to film the boys’ reaction to the new addition. Well, in my haste, I failed to wait for Rachael (who was hobbling up the sidewalk in excruciating c-section pain) - depriving her of the opportunity to see the boys’ reaction live. I’m currently serving a life sentence in the doghouse for my foolish ways.

All screw-ups aside, the evening went well. Noli, who we were most nervous about adjusting to a newborn, held the baby in his lap (with heavy amounts of assistance). It was a giant relief. Milo loved the kid at first sight, 8 months later he’s still in love with the little guy… I’m a proud dad. My parents went home, Rach attempted sleep, and late that evening I wrote  “Enter, Levi: The Final Chapter Part I”. A masterpiece in biographical storytelling.

For the next few days Rachael was stuck sleeping on the couch until her incision healed more; getting out of bed was too painful. So we spent our evenings watching the Winter Olympics while Levi slept on our chests. In the mornings my mother-in-law would treat us to fresh grapefruit & oatmeal breakfasts and I would grab us Starbucks on the way back from dropping the boys off at school. It was a really nice couple of days… I even finally buckled down and got my Texas Driver’s License! Only took me 3 years to make the effort.

We nicknamed Levi “Popeye” because he would always wink his one eye and make scrunchy faces. In retrospect, I should have thought to tape a little pipe to his pacifier. Dangit! During this time, I discovered that the sound of a crying baby isn’t as horrific sounding as it had been in the past. Milo’s cries would send me into a panic, and Noli’s would just irritate me… I find Levi’s cries on the adorable end of the spectrum. It’s probably because this will be our last kid (assuming all goes according to plan). I’m taking in the infancy more, trying to make it last and enjoy every moment. Sure, I still get frustrated - that’s what babies do to you, but I’m enjoying the ride more… I know I’ll miss it. I still wish I could pull baby Milo out of the photos on my phone and hold him.

If I’m not writing a ton about Levi in this post, it’s because the kid was just so darn chill as a newborn. He didn’t give me much more material than “Awww, how cute”... And he was definitely cute (still is - all my babies are).

While both boys were great with Levi, Noli had gotten increasingly needy. I’m not going to lie, it was downright infuriating sometimes to deal with it. I took him out one day to give him some one on one time, the plan was to buy him a ‘gift from Levi’. I told him Levi gave me money to buy him a toy (kids are so gullible!)... I should have specified how much money Levi actually gave me because $60 later we had a brand new Lego Spiderman play set which took me an hour to build and only 10 seconds for Noli to destroy. 10 glorious seconds of him leaving me alone.

The nightmare was only beginning.

Rachael’s mom had stuck around for a few weeks to help out around the house while we got acclimated to all the changes. The hope was that anything that could have gone wrong would have gone wrong while she was here and we’d have the extra hands… But Murphy’s Law is real, kids. Thanks to the joys of school, Noli came down with the flu a day or two before my mother-in-law was leaving. Just the thing you want around a newborn! And there would be no extra hands. Before we even got home from the hospital, Rach began packing her bags to stay with my folks until our house was no longer contaminated with disgusting little boy germs (Milo was beginning to run a fever as well).

Rachael and Levi staying with my parents didn’t ease my worries, however. The boys are constantly sticking their grubby little fingers all over my face (why their fingers are always moist I’ll never understand). The fingers occasionally go in my mouth because kids are weird and have no boundaries. That mouth is incapable of not being on baby Levi’s face… Because those cheeks. All I could think was that I had given my newborn baby boy the flu and it was an awful feeling. I had shown no signs of having the flu, but it takes a few days before symptoms even start, so everything was up in the air… Just like the flu running rampant in my house. It was a waiting game and I hate waiting.

So it was me, the boys and my mother-in-law, and I only had her help for about two days before she had to go back home. Thank God for moms is all I have to say. She made sure we all took everything we needed, when we needed to take it, and I’m pretty sure she kept me flu-free, because (spoiler) I never caught it and luckily neither did Rach or Levi.

Those few days, however, were difficult for an entirely non-flu-related reason… Needy Noli. By this point he had already been driving me nuts with the constant need for attention, but the flu just made it worse. Today I was looking through the texts Rachael and I were sending each other and every other message was me going out of my mind while Noli stalked me around the house. It was like one of those dreams where you’re being chased by some unknown entity and it always finds you no matter where you hide. You’d think the flu would have destroyed his sense of smell, but somehow it was heightened. There was no escape.

All he wanted was to play legos… Legos which by now were CRAWLING with flu germs. Every click those blocks made when I connected them was like the empty click of a revolver in a deadly game of Russian Roulette. Sitting in that pool of Legos (we have a LOT of Legos) was like swimming in a pool of flu-juice. I swear some of them were wet.

Then my mother-in-law flew home… and it was just me and the flu-zombies.

Thank goodness for my Dad. He took one for the team and later that evening risked his good health to save me from the inevitable misery that awaited me with those kids. The man is fearless. My memory of that week is a little hazy, but I’m 80% sure he arrived via horse. When he got to the house, he told me to get out and enjoy myself for a few while he spent time with the little petri dishes. Even Noli let me leave the house! So I grabbed my iPad and booked it to Starbucks where I spent the next 2 hours sipping Lattes, drawing, and watching videos of Levi that Rach would send me.

The week was no doubt hard - dodging sneezes, dealing with neediness and the usual parenting frustrations… But the hardest part was being away from Levi. I spent 9 months waiting for the little stinker and barely got to know him before he left me for a week. There was a constant stream of videos and photos coming from Rach, but it only made it harder. There was one evening when Rach stopped by with some food and I snuck out to see her. She had Levi in the van and I had to just stare at him from the window (as I was still unsure if I was sick or not). It was torture.

Rach on the other hand was living the good life at Hotel De’Marianelli with my mom. Pampering, baby assistance, hot meals… and a Boxer who quickly became a therapy dog. When Rach arrived at the house that first night, she was a nervous wreck. She started crying when she came in the door and Roxy (the Boxer) ran up to her, put her head on Rachael’s chest and just stared at her. She’d lick the baby’s feet constantly and anytime Levi woke up from a nap crying, Roxy would book it into the room to check on him.

Dogs are the best. Not to speak ill of the dead, but our cat would have just pee’d on the crib.

Fast forwarding ahead, the boys started feeling better, I never got sick, and seeing as my dad’s work was finished, he went back home… I seem to remember him riding off on a chariot of fire. The details are hazy.

One last thing remained… The disinfecting of the Legos.

20% of them ended up down the drain. I hope they never return.

Finally my baby came home. I refused to let him go that night… Or the next night. If I could lactate, Rach would have never gotten him back.

I make good babies. ~ M.

[flavorweight-blog]

Become A WEIGHT TRAINING EXERCISE Lion

This may be the hardest article I've ever had to write, it really is the very first time I've admitted, that I might be getting older. ROB! Yes, we are receiving older but, remember the rest of the sentence...AND BETTER! Most of us remember Mufasa! The solid, brave, protecting, heroic lion from the Lion King. Make without doubt about it Mufasa was The King!! That's right just like Elvis (showing my age group). Mufasa died fighting heroically to safeguard his satisfaction now. I'm not saying it had been age group that was his undoing. BUT who knows, if he had changed his training strategy during the last few years-trained just a little smarter......probably he wouldn't have gone his battle in the gym and had even more in the tank on game time. Could the results have been different??? Ok! back again to real life or at least my edition of it. Tammy Renee my Mufasa (boss, greatest friend, blah blah blah) provides approached me more than once about writing an article designed to help the ageing athlete. That is right, us siblings in Iron are sportsmen. My thoughts were....why would I end up being asked by her? What perform I understand about aging athletes?? I train as i have always.......I'm a global champion! Hello there!! earth to rob..you're 51 years outdated!! You are a mature athlete!!!! WOW!! It dawned on me then ..the things I i did so all night take me forever to accomplish now...BUT that is clearly a different story. We can save that for a different content. GINA - Aging sportsmen? Oh my....Can't we come up with a more correct term politically? lol Rob, haven't you noticed 40 is the new 30, 50 is the new 40? I actually injured my shoulder winning the W.A.B.D.L. Masters Bench Press Globe Championship in 2005. I competed in Bodybuilding in 2006 coming in 4th place in the W.B.F.A Team USA vs the World competition. I thought that easily actually got my conditioning right down to a research and came in shredded I could do some harm in 07. I thought then...am I a bodybuilder really? Is normally that where my interest is? My pal, occasional training partner and incredible powerlifter Phil Davi was in the fitness center working out. He talked me into seeing what I got on the bench that day time. Now I hadn't benched weighty in a long time. To say my initiatives were sloppy would be an understatement. However I did so max out in the 455lb range somewhere. For those of you at home and especially us Mufasa types....PLEASE don't get a max out from the crystal clear blue and wonder why you obtain injured. Some people are slow learners just. Phil checked out the existing world records in the alphabet soup of powerlifting agencies and discovered with some schooling, I would be right there and perhaps able to break a global record or 2 in the bench press for my generation and weight course. I actually asked my good friend, fellow article writer, fitness model, fitness competitor, amount competitor, fitness center owner, fitness expert of the entire year, one of the hottest Mothers and hottest women on the planet........drum roll.......... Gina Ostarly what she thought which was her response: "I am 99.9 % sure you ALREADY 'know" the answer...so this is just a 2nd thumbs up...I think.....I always go with my interest....whats in my heart...sounds like yours is in power lifting....always has been...As long as your 2005 injury is healed and can not hinder you...go for the record! The only reason I've not made it back to fitness .....is because my body won't allow it all...We keep getting harm...hell getting old...haha...but, I have not given up....in the suggest time I will be the very best figure competitor I could be.... From the source want Gina how may i not listen. Okay...that I understand now, I am growing older let's implement a few of our fresh found knowledge, in my own quest to set the 50 to 54 age course 220 lb pounds class bench press world record. My recuperative skills are not what they were in the past. I've had to create this concession to age group already. So over-teaching is a large issue around babyboomers. I have been guilty of the especially, In my over zealousness to earn championships, break information, play soccer or what have you I want to go obtain it and throw caution to the wind just. Well, after a torn hamstring, torn bicep, ligament harm in both ankles, sore knees and over all everyday aches and pains. Training: Okay hear we go. People talk to me on a regular basis if I reside in the fitness center or how many hours a day time do I workout?? There is a period when I would train with weights 6 days weekly and do cardio 6 or seven days a week. that was a couple of years ago. The cardio part especially, that was more for sports activities than for appearances. once I used powerlifting I think my just cardio was operating from the couch to the refrigerator. (Gina) Rob, people talk to me the same issue or make the assumption, " all day long must be educated by you, everyday." Well, my secret is CONSISTENCY, as time passes. Its not really about how much you do "this week" or "this month" Getting and residing in form is a prolonged dedication. Its doesn't imply killing yourself all night in the gym, it about creating stability and living realistically. Training 2-3 days weekly CONSISTENTLY will yield a better result in a calendar year than somebody who works out everyday for a week skips 3, functions how hard direct for 3 weeks.....drops off the true face of the planet earth for 2 months....etc....You get my point. My teaching had remained the same for several years basically. Pushes on Mon & Wed - ie.. chest, shoulders, tri's & abs Pulls on Tues & Fri - ie.. back again, bi's and obliques Legs & lower back again on Wed & Sat - Wed will be more squat oriented . Sat will be more deadlift oriented Based on what We was training designed for my weights might vary but also for the the majority of part the scheme was the same. As I stated cardio was as required. EASILY was trying to accomplish something where I needed to move actually. I would run or play basketball. EASILY was training for something where movement wasn't a concern...believe me I wouldn't move. The heaviest I've ever weighed was 277 in 2003. Breathing was a problem, my ex said during the night I snored like a rhino in high temperature. When breathing becomes a nagging problem it may be time to go back to the drawing board. That is while you are still able to draw.....My blood pressure I'm sure was sky high....never had it checked. I was the epitome of the ostrich strategy. Keep my head in the sand and what I don't know won't harm me. Training Mufasa: Ok! For us old lions...what can be done? Get yourself a physical: That's right! First factor head to your Doctor get a complete check-up and make sure that finely tuned or at least soon to be finely tuned machine is ready to go. Shed a few pounds: For the majority of us that is probably the first plan of action. Help to make it less complicated on those muscle tissues and joints (not to mention your mate) and drop a few. In case you are still fighting trim you get yourself a gold star here but I'd like a notice from your own significant other, just in case you're filled with it. Do cardio: I've dropped from an average fat of approx. 265 to now even more in the 225lb range. My heart, my joints, my blood pressure and my puppy Hank (the rhino in heat noises musta taken there toll) are thankful. Although I significantly changed my diet to get right down to 215 for the BB contest. I have since been eating a complete lot more but daily cardio sessions have kept my weight down. Not to mention again the primary muscle, my center (yes I have one) is appreciative. So for all of us Mufasa's cardio is crucial. Listen to the body: Train together with your mind, not over it. No, that can be done over head presses still. Just use common sense in your workout routines. Pass feel whether it's there and you feel like lifting a little heavier go for it. If not. listen to your body. Cool off the heavier weights for a good work out or 2. Don't pressure it! Consider shorter rest periods and go just a little lighter. There are way's of keeping your workout strength without setting world or also personal records. Go for QUALITY not Volume, and yes Rob, always pay attention to your body! Great suggestions. There are therefore many variants of you skill when exercising. Hardly ever feel like you need to "force thru it." Dealing with the big headed attitude could have you pushing for the LAST TIME! Don't overtrain: As I mentioned earlier. I was and at times am still, a habitual overtrainer. This correlates with the above directly. Listen to the body. Over teaching at this stage of the overall game, is more detrimental than when we are younger. As a young child we can get away with a little more. Today all we're gonna obtain is a severe limp and some catabolism on top of that. Seriously, this is not a joke. DO NOT OVERTRAIN. For the majority of us, three resistance training sessions weekly should fill up the bill. Use the K.We.S.S. (keep it basic stupid) in your workouts. Work each muscle mass group once a week. Nutrition: Nourishment is up to 80% of the battle. Breakfast is either the most or second most important meal of the full day. Your post workout meal is definitely it's competition. Be sure to eat protein with each meal. Start your day a good hearty breakfast. This gets the machine which is certainly you in movement. Look at the body as a furnace, you should gasoline it to maintain it burning properly. Obtain it started very first thing each morning (breakfast) and maintain fueling it every 3 hours. Look at a fire, you don't throw all of the logs on simultaneously. Throw a log in at even intervals and it will burn efficiently. Throw them all in simultaneously (supper) and it'll smother and fail. Avoid the All-American meal program. The coffee is known by you and a doughnut for breakfast, more espresso and a Hostess cake off the roach trainer for break period. Deli sandwich, coke and a handbag of chips for lunch. Then devour what ever the heck you may get your hands on for dinner not to mention our 2 Vermont buddies Ben and Jerry or Krispy Kreme (right Gina??) before bed. Post workout beverage: This along with breakfast is very important. Your post workout drink should contain a quality protein drink with some simple carbs (dextrose). More hints You need to take advantage of the window of opportunity right here 30 to 45 min. after your exercise. You body is in an emergency state right here and is preparing to make use of these crucial nutrients. Glucosamine and chondroitin: This have already been a miracle treat for me. Remember they take up to 30 day's to get into your system and don't stop acquiring them once you start to experience better......or back to painsville!!! As you can see a little modification here and there and some common sense is all that is needed!! As Gina so aptly put it " we are getting older but remember all of those other sentence..... AND BETTER"

[festiveboydanielhowells]

figuring things out (chapter 5)

Summary: Prince Daniel of Eithoia has been seeing Lord Philip in private for years, despite his marriage to Princess Isabella. Up until now, it was never an issue for the three to be together. No one anticipated for the Princess to have an urgent announcement, and now anticipated that it would impact Dan and Phil and their countries as much as it did. 

Warnings: pregnancy, smut, mentions of violence, swearing, vomiting

Tags: fluff, (horribly written) smut, royalty AU, polyamory, pregnancy

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Thirteenth of January

Steeple Palace, Kings

Phil misses Julia.

It’s the first thing he thinks when he wakes up with Dan’s arms around his waist and Isabella’s face buried in his neck. He likes being in between them, they’re both so warm and comfortable, but he needs to use the bathroom. He moves Dan’s arms from around his waist with minimal protests and moves over Isabella and out of the bed.

Isabella makes a noise that sounds vaguely like, “What are you doing?” as Phil maneuvers around her and onto his feet.

“I’m using the bathroom,” He whispers, giving her a kiss by her hair.

“Don’t be long,” She says, her words slurring, before she moves closer to Dan and tucks her head into his chest. Within seconds, her breathing has evened out and her eyes are closed peacefully in sleep.

He gives her another kiss on her hair before heading into Dan’s bathroom.

Being in his bathroom is uncomfortable—his shower has odd knobs on it, his whole bathroom feels much too big for some reason. He supposes that he always gotten a smaller room because he had a “lower” status, but now he’s staying in a King’s room, which means he’s literally at the top of the food chain.

He struggles to get the shower going, but eventually, he discovers which knob is hot water and which knob is cold water. Thankfully, it’s not too complicated, and he gets in the shower within a couple of minutes. He really doesn’t want to get out of the bathroom to grab his bag, so instead, he uses Dan’s body wash.

(He hopes it’s Dan’s body wash—there’s two bottles of similar things, and Phil doesn’t want to smell like honey suckle and lavender despite how good Isabella smells.)

Thankfully, he grabs the correct bottle of wash as he begins lathering his body in soap. It smells like mint and eucalyptus—exactly like Dan. He shampoos his hair and thinks about home—his home. He distinctly wonders how Dan will react if he asks him to bring Julia to the palace. It’s not Dan’s stingy or anything, but Phil still worries.

What if he didn’t like Julia, and so he says no? What if he tells Phil that he can’t allow her to live in the palace because she’s Intoran?

He takes a breath and turns off the water before stepping out of the shower. He refuses to use Dan or Isabella’s toothbrush—that’s disgusting, regardless of how often they kiss—and wraps a towel around his waist to grab his bag.

Isabella and Dan are awake, but they’re not out of bed. Instead, Dan has retrieved his laptop from his desk and Isabella is looking over his shoulder, occasionally pointing at things and saying, “Is that right? I think those are off,” before grabbing her phone and opening the calculator app.

Phil grabs his duffle bag and rummages through it before reaching his bag of toiletries and heading back into the bathroom to brush his teeth.

He skips washing his face, rather choosing to splash his face with cold water and apply his deodorant.

He combs his hair back until he deems it relatively good-looking, and then exits the bathroom to change clothes. When he emerges from the bathroom, Dan has a distressed look, and Isabella’s comforting him about something. “It’ll be fine,” She tells him. “It’ll be fine. This is just a bump, okay?” and Dan nods, giving her a kiss.

“What’s happened?” Phil asks, hoping he doesn’t sound too nosy.

Dan shakes his head. “Boring stuff. Economic stuff.” He mutters, and Phil’s look must persuade him to keep talking, because he does. “It’s just so stupid.” He mutters, “Jobs need to be made but instead, companies are rapidly closing to reconcile with the money loss due to needing to supply their employees with a livable wage.” He puts his head in his hands. “I don’t know what to do. Unemployment is so high and so many companies are cutting down on jobs.”

“What’s minimum wage here?” Phil asks, because sue him, he doesn’t know anything about foreign countries.

“Five-forty,” Dan mutters. “It’s definitely not livable, but it’s close because of the new housing bill and medical care bill.”

Phil shivers, “It’s twelve dollars in Intora,” He says, and then feels like shit for saying it. Dan knows that, Dan knows that his people aren’t able to live, but the big corporations were using Etithoia as a way to get cheap labor for so long and he’ll need to gradually build up to a proper minimum wage.

“Trust me, Phil,” Isabella says, “We’re aware. Our country has been the shithole dumping site of everyone else for so long. Cheap labor is so common and illegal operations too because everyone here is poor and we’re the only ones who have food, at this point.” She says.

“We could put the one idea into operation,” Dan suggests, and Phil wants to know what the ‘one idea’ is but he holds his tongue. “The one with the donations of excess food.” He says.

Phil grabs an outfit from his bag and turns around and lets the towel drop before getting ready for the day. He hears Izzy hum in agreement before saying, “The bill or the operation?”

“Either one, really.” Dan says, turning towards Izzy. “I’ve been thinking about setting the bill into publicity for a while now, but I haven’t really had the guts.”

“You should do it,” Izzy says, giving him a soft kiss on his cheek. “I received an email from the housing units—they say that they don’t have any funding for buying food or clothing. Having companies donate whatever they don’t sell under they law would be pretty helpful for most of them. The biggest needs right now are food, furniture, and clothing.” She explains.

“I got the same email,” He says, “They want to have more reasons for the upper class to support them.”

“Tax write-offs,” Izzy suggests. “Menia has them. If you donate to a shelter you get a portion of your taxes taken off depending on how much you donated that year.” Dan nods, typing down additions to the notepad he has open. “Bring that up at the meeting, yeah?” She asks, and he nods.

“Will do, love.” He opens up a tab for his email and types out a new email to his advisors.

“Advisors” is their title, but their job is to convince Dan that he’s making bad decisions. Dan tends to not listen, and he takes it upon himself to prove them wrong at every opportunity. He begins typing his email.

To: Winston Davidson, Logan Brookes, Kate Ingrid, Taylor Nelson

Cc: Isabella Howell, Emily Howell

Subject: Monday’s Meeting

 To whom it may concern,

 There is to be a royal advisory meeting held on Monday the fifteenth of January in the grand common meeting hall.

The topics to be covered:

-Bill 1197; topics of minimum wage

-Living conditions of citizens below poverty limit

-Introduction and editing of Bill 1198; topics of food, clothing, and furniture donations

-Corporate interference with daily life

 Sincerely,

Prince Daniel James Howell

 He hates the flow of the email, hates the fact that he has to write “to whom it may concern”, and hates the way he has to be just vague enough but also specific enough.

He ignores his hatred of the sentences he wrote in favor of focusing on the fact that he now has a plan for what he’s going to actually say. Every meeting he’s gone to has either been information packed or completely void of any plans, and Dan hates both.

He supposes he just hates his job, really.

Phil crawls into the bed next to Dan, and Dan attempts to give him a kiss, but Phil pushes him away. “Your breath is disgusting. It’s nine a.m., brush your teeth.” He scolds, and Dan fakes offence.

“I will have you know I was doing important business.” He says, but gets up anyways to get ready for the day. He washes himself off in the shower, brushes his teeth, and gets dressed for the day. He ends up wearing a plain shirt and a plain pair of trousers; he doesn’t have to make a presentation, so he will be wearing lounge clothing thank you very much. Dan emerges from the bathroom with soaked hair, before motioning to Isabella to go after him.

“What are you doing today?” Phil asks.

“Writing a bill. And you’re going to go to the doctor’s with Izzy.” He says, completely monotone. Phil can’t gauge whether or not he’s being serious until he looks at his tired eyes and understands. Of course he’s being serious, he has an entire country to transform. If he doesn’t do it to the best ability, other countries look down at him even though they have to hardly do anything. He sighs and flops himself onto their bed. “It’s not like I want to, but ever day without this bill going public is another day of wasted material for the housing units.”

Phil nods in understanding, and falls on top of Dan dramatically, spreading his arms out so that he’s put his full weight on top of Dan’s. He grunts, “Thanks, Phil.”

“No probably. You stress yourself out.”

“So, you’re going to be my human blanket?” Dan asks into the duvet.

“Yep.”

Dan lets out a content hum, before rolling them over and leaning against Phil. “I really do have to write this, but there’s breakfast downstairs in the kitchens. If you want some, you and Izzy can go together. She always needs to eat before she goes to the doctor’s, but—”

“But eating this early always upsets your stomach,” Phil finishes, giving him a slow kiss on the lips. When he pulls back, Dan’s smile is a little more real, and his shine a little brighter than before. “Izzy and I will grab food and head off, you stay up here and work, okay?” Dan nods, and pulls him into another slow and happy kiss before crawling up the bed and putting his laptop on his thighs.

He opens the document he was working on earlier, and hesitantly begins to type as Isabella exits the bathroom and joins Philip at breakfast.

Bill 1198

To go into effect (n/a)

Under the Daniel Howell Advisory.

180 Steeple Drive, Kings, 33478, Etithoia

 The Bill 1198 is to be a solution for the lack of food, furnishings, and clothing available to housing units around the country.

He stares at the sentence, before deleting it off of the template.

House Bill 1198 is a solution to the country-wide issue that housing units have been experiencing since their opening and endorsements. The bill will encourage citizens above the poverty line to donate to said units with compensation in the form of tax write-offs. The bill also aims to provide corporate-donated materials by creating a system where companies can donate unused food, furnishings, clothing, and items to the units in return for government-given tax write-offs.

He looks at the paragraph, which seems much more put together than the simple sentence he’d written out before, and continues to work. He wants to make the bill seem as appealing as possible—the more appealing it is, the more the citizens will accept it.

The goal of the tax write-offs (which are to be provided by in receipts by the units) is to reduce the tax that one has to pay on job income and housing. Should a citizen need to limit their debt to the government of Etithoia—whether it be taxes, student loans, or any other debt—they can provide the receipt on their taxation logs in order to receive compensation for their good deed.

In order to receive a write-off, the citizen or business representative will deliver the products (through mail or personal visiting to the donation site) and receive a letter back with the items the unit received. The unit will keep a digitalized copy of all receipts in order to provide any lost receipts to donors. The amount that the donor donates to the unit will affect the amount taken off of taxes or debts.  

Is that good? Does it flow well? He hopes it does, because he sends the document in a follow-up email to the same group of people. He chooses not to write out a formal email, the subject and the document practically explain themselves, anyways. He signs it and presses send, hoping that they read it before Monday. They hardly ever do, and then end up confused when he brings up whatever document he’d emailed them over the weekend.

He stands up, stretches his arms, and checks the time: twelve-fifteen. He knows lunch will be served soon, but his stomach is heavy with the anxiety of Monday’s meeting, and he chooses to skip out. Instead, he texts Isabella a quick, “where are you? Done with bill xx,” and goes back to mindlessly typing notes into his laptop, feeling semi-productive.

From: Izzy

We’re outside. The snow was super pretty lol

She sends him a picture of her and Phil outside, both covered in snowflakes all over. Phil’s eyes are bright and shining and he’s jumping in the background of the photo.

From: Izzy

we want 2 go out for lunch B)

To: Izzy

Where tho like that’s whats important

From: Izzy

Obviously that 1 diner at the edge of kings

U kno the 1 with the fairy lights :)

To: Izzy

Sure yea id be down

Do u want to take a car or walk

From: Izzy

Can we walk my feet hurt

Will show u pics of the ultrasound at lunch. We’ve got neeeeeeeewssss

He puts his phone down and closes his laptop screen. He puts his shoes on and joins Izzy and Phil outside, “We’ll have to tell someone where we’re going.” He tells them. “And we should probably bring, like, a guard or two.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Izzy says happily. “Drake and Josh?” She says, and Dan laughs.

“Yeah, sure, if neither are working right now.” He says.

 Phil likes the restaurant. It’s pretty, simple, and their food is good. Fairy lights are strung up around the building and the lights are dimmed so that they stand out even more. He ordered a plate of fish and chips and some ice cream and is extremely grateful that he did.

Dan and Isabella split a vegetarian pizza with mozzarella sticks, and Phil turns his nose up to it. He likes cheese on pizza, but this pizza looks too cheesy, and it has at least four cheeses on it according to the menu. The waitress said hi to Dan and Isabella as if they were old friends in university, “Oh! How are you? It’s been a while; I was starting to worry that you didn’t like our food anymore.” But both Dan and Isabella assure her that they would never stop visiting the diner.

Phil learns that Drake and Josh did not mean the television show characters and instead a burly guard with strange resemblance to musician Drake and a tall curly-haired man literally named Josh. He’s sort of disappointed, but upon watching them interact with each other, becomes very happy.

“Drake” (apparently his name is Fergreck, Phil understands why everyone calls him Drake) keeps feeding Josh food and giving him compliments. Phil didn’t know that he would ever wish two bodyguards would date, but right now, he really wants them to just admit their undying love for each other. This must be how the internet feels about Dan and Phil, he thinks.

They eat in silence, occasionally making jokes or talking about their days, but it’s a comfortable silence. Dan’s holding his hand underneath the table and every time Izzy bumps her foot playfully against his he blushes deeply.

Towards the end of the meal, as everyone is taking their last bites of food, Izzy turns to Dan. “So, the doctor found something interesting.” She says, and Phil grows stiff. He completely forgot about it before, but now he’s anxious of Dan’s reaction. “Laurie’s going to have another sibling.”

Dan looks confused, his brain catching up with the words before he squeals and wraps her into a hug. “Twins? Oh my God,” He exclaims, and Phil knows they’re attracting attention, but Dan gives them both long kisses and then begins crying and he’s never been happier. “We’re going to have two of them, holy fuck. I totally called it.”

Izzy laughs, “Yea, yea, you were right all along,” She says lovingly and giving him a quick kiss. Dan drops a kiss onto Phil’s hand and wipes his happy tears away with the other.

“I’m just so excited,” He says. “I—I just—”

Phil cuts him off with a kiss, and he smiles into Dan’s mouth. “Let’s go home, come on.” Phil says, pulling away. “Head out before we get mobbed or some shit.”

They head out, Dan slams a twenty percent tip for the waitress onto the table, and the waitress gives all of them hugs and her congratulations as they leave. Dan’s so happy, he won’t stop talking about names for the babies.

“You can keep ‘Laurie’ but I want to name the other one!” He says, and Isabella gives him a look.

“I’m going to push a screaming watermelon out of my vagina, you have no right to name either of them.” She accuses playfully, and Dan pouts.

“Laurie Anne and Jordan Isabella.” He says.

“Jordan Isabella is ugly,” Phil argues. “Isabella Jordan.”

“No, that’s too close to my name,” Isabella complains.

“What if one of them is a boy and one is a girl?” Dan asks, “Then can we name a baby Jordan?”

She rolls her eyes at his eagerness, “You’ll get your Jordan, I promise.”

He pecks her cheek and gives them both a goofy smile before leaning against Izzy’s shoulder and snuggling into the backseat of the car.