#It almost deleted everything and I was about to put in my white flag and call it a week or two

[css1992]

Guilty Pleasure

[Porn AU]

Summary: Peter and Beck used to be a power couple in the porn industry, but after Beck dumps him, Peter is forced to start over. With no money, no family and nowhere to go, he doesn’t have much choice other than to keep doing porn, so he joins Just4Fans to get back on his feet and then one day he gets a very generous tip from someone under the username of YKWIM.

Warnings: 18+, explicit, references to past non-con/rape (not between main pairing, not explicit), daddy kink, Peter in lingerie, references to gaslighting and abusive relationship (not between main pairing, not explicit). The warnings are for the story as whole, not for this chapter specifically. I’ll add more in the future, if needed.

Read on AO3

Part I / Part II / Part III / Part IV / Part V / Part VI / Part VII / Part VIII / Part IX / Part X /  Part XI / Epilogue

-x-

“He can’t do this!” Ned slammed his hands down on the counter between them, as Peter took a swig of the cheap wine he bought with the last ten bucks he had in his wallet. “He isn’t even in all of the videos, at least half of the money is rightfully yours!” He kept going, stating the obvious, but Peter just sighed and shrugged.

“I’m not disagreeing with you, Ned, I’m just relaying what he told me: he’s not gonna give me anything. It’s his channel, his equipment, the money from the subscriptions goes straight to his bank account, so it’s his. It’s all his. His words, by the way.” He took another swig of wine straight from the bottle. He had been drinking from a small glass Ned offered him – he wasn’t a pirate – but it soon proved to be too small to quench his pain, so. Yeah. Pirate style it was.

“You have to sue his ass, Peter, he can’t get away with this,” MJ intervened. She was sitting next to him on a stool by the kitchen counter, so he turned to look at her with a deep frown on his face.

“Did you not hear me saying I just spent my last ten dollars on this bottle of wine? I have, like, twenty four cents left in my pocket. And that’s it. I can’t hire a lawyer, I can’t even feed myself right now!” He raised his voice a little, but quickly got himself back under control and apologized. His friends were not to blame for his predicament – they did try to warn him Beck was bad news, he didn’t want to listen. “And you know what? I don’t give a fuck. He can choke on all of it if he wants, the videos, the money, the subscribers, I don’t fucking care.” It wasn’t true, of course. Well, partially. He really didn’t care about the money, videos, subscribers, etc, but he cared about Beck. He would have given everything else up if it meant he could keep him.

Which was stupid of him, of course. But he certainly wasn’t winning any awards for being a great decision maker.

“It’s still not fair. I mean, I knew that guy was sleazy, but you’d think he’d have the decency to at least give you something, you know? You’ve been together for three years, he’s been making money off your ass for almost as long. How could he just fucking kick you out and not give you a single dime? After all the money you’ve made for him? It’s fucking sick, that guy is fucking psychopath if you ask me.” MJ’s face was turning red from anger, which made Peter smile a little. It felt good to know he was loved by someone, even if he hadn’t been the best friend to them for the past few years.

The thought made him close his eyes for a second, guilt creeping over him. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d called either of them – maybe on Ned’s birthday, almost two months earlier. They used to be inseparable, the three of them; the three musketeers, as corny and lame as it sounded. For years, those two were the only family he knew, but when Beck came into his life, everything changed.

Stupid fucking Beck.

Peter used to think of him as his own personal super-hero – it did feel like he had come to save him, after all. They met when he was seventeen, he had been living in foster homes for almost seven years by then, after Ben and May passed away. At the time, he was with his fifth family, and there were so many children in that house, so many of them came and went, that their foster parents didn’t really keep tabs most of the time. It was easy to sneak out, and Peter did, often.

He met Beck on one of his night walks – and their first meeting should have raised all kinds of red flags, but for whatever reason, it didn’t. Beck slowed the car next to him, rolled down the window and asked how much Peter charged for a blowjob. Just like that. The teen gasped at first, but when he looked around for a moment, he realized he wasn’t in the most family friendly neighborhood. There were, in fact, some men and women around him who definitely looked like they were there for that, but Peter was in sweats, for crying out loud, and he definitely looked his age – or even younger than that.

His wide eyes must have given him away, because the older man quickly apologized and showed him a charming, white smile. He made up some excuse about mistaking him for someone else and the boy said it was ok. He was going to keep walking when Beck asked what his name was. Then how old he was. Then where he was going, where he ha come from.

Looking back, Peter knew he should have run. He should have left, because there was no excuse for an adult man like him to keep asking a teenager so many questions right after he basically offered him money to suck his dick. But that Peter, that 17-year-old boy, was still a bit too naive. To have such a handsome man showing interest in him – his kind, blue eyes smiling at him, warm and safe – was inebriating. He actually looked at him. And cared. At least Peter thought he did at the time. And he was so lonely back then, even that little bit of attention meant the world to him.

He should have run, but he stayed. Should have run, but got in his car. Should have run, but ended up giving him a clumsy hand job in the backseat, after just a few sweet promises whispered in his eager ears. Beck was so good with words, he could have convinced Peter to jump off a bridge that very same night if he wanted.  

They exchanged phone numbers. For weeks, they texted and called each other, until they could  meet again. By then, he was smitten. At twenty, he could see how innocent he had been, how trusting and open he was with a complete stranger. A 32 year-old stranger, at that. Ned and MJ, his only friends from school, warned him that it wasn’t okay. That it was weird for a man his age to be interested in a teenage boy, but Peter said they were wrong. He said he wasn’t just a regular kid, he had been through stuff they could only imagine. He was mature and experienced, and Beck could see that, which was why he liked him.

Looking back now, it was embarrassing how wrong he was. Beck was an illusionist. Sad thing was everyone could see the trapdoor but him.

“So what are you gonna do now?” MJ asked, fishing another bottle of wine from under the counter and placing it in front of Peter, who almost cried in gratitude.

“You mean besides crying myself to sleep for the next few months?” He wasn’t really joking. The only reason he wasn’t crying right at that moment was because he had spent almost three hours bawling his eyes out on a park bench close to their – well, Beck’s – apartment, hoping against hope that Beck would reconsider and come after him. When it became clear it wasn’t going to happen, he headed to the only place he knew he could find refuge – even if he didn’t deserve it.

“Yeah, besides that, obviously.” She opened the wine bottle and before he could take it and drink straight from it, she poured three glasses and Peter sighed, defeated.

“I have no idea.” He answered, only slightly surprised that he actually meant it. He had absolutely no clue what to do. For three years, he hadn’t had to worry about money – or anything, really. Beck took care of everything and he just assumed it would always be like that. That he would always have him by his side to take care of him.

He rubbed his eyes, taking a deep breath.

“Are you going to keep doing porn?” Ned asked, a worried expression on his face. Peter remembered he hated the idea when Beck first suggested it, as soon as he turned eighteen.

People are gonna lose it, Beck said. A pretty little twink and a hot daddy? We’re going to be a hit.

And they were. Their first videos blew up quickly, people were either disgusted by the thought of them together – because of the age gap – or completely enthralled. The haters helped them get more views, and Peter soon learned that there really was no such thing as bad publicity. Beck promoted their videos on twitter, where they accumulated thousands of followers. Peter remembered that, back then, many people sent him worried messages, saying he was too young, that Beck was a predator, that he was taking advantage of him.

In retrospect, they might have been right, after all.

He wasn’t too sure about doing porn when they first started, he knew once they released the first video, there was no going back, there was no way they could ever take it down – the internet was forever. Nothing was ever truly deleted. He wanted to be a dad someday, what if his children ever saw those videos in the future? What would have Ben and May thought? What about his parents?

None of this matters, honey, Beck assured him. These kids don’t even exist yet, don’t worry about them. And your relatives, well… They’re gone, sweetie. You can’t really disappoint them anymore.

So Peter did it. And he was terrified at first, he felt so exposed, people all over the world could see him in his most vulnerable moments, all of him, in every position Beck managed to put him in, in any outfit he thought the public might like, in any setting he thought might bring in more viewers, more subscribers, more money.

Soon, just the two of them weren’t enough. Their viewers wanted to see Peter with other people – other daddies –  and Beck saw another opportunity to increase his profit. Peter was strongly against the idea at first, it felt too much like prostitution, which was where he wanted to draw the line, but, again, Beck sweet-talked him into it.

It’s nothing like prostitution, honey, he said. I’ll be there the whole time, I’ll be the one filming and directing, I’ll be the one paying the other actors, all the profits are ours. How is that anything like prostitution? It’s just like what we’ve been doing so far.

So not only there were a bunch of videos of him and Beck out there in the world, there were also lots of videos of him with other men, some of whom were old enough to be his actual dad. There was even one video in particular that he was specially embarrassed by – and sadly enough, that was the most viewed one so far. It was fucking humiliating.

At some point, Peter should have realized it became all about money for Beck – and maybe it had been like that all along, he just hadn’t noticed before. Over the last few months of their relationship, they never had sex just for fun, just for the hell of it. There were always cameras, and lights, and roles to play. Beck never said he loved him anymore. Barely touched him. Barely kissed him. He should have seen it coming. He had been too blind, or just… Didn’t want to see what was happening right before his eyes. He ignored all the signs. The voice in the back of his head telling him something was off.

But anyway, porn. Could he still do it?

“I don’t know,” he answered, finally. He looked at his best friends and sighed with a shrug. “To be honest, it was never something I enjoyed, and I don’t know if I could ever do it without him somehow involved, you know? I did it with him because I felt… Safe? I don’t want to get involved in the actual porn industry, I’ve heard some pretty fucked up stories.” Peter had heard horror stories about other boys in the industry, and even though his own story was no fairy tale, there was nothing so bad that it couldn’t get worse.

“How about Just4Fans?” MJ asked and both Peter and Ned turned to look at her in shock. “What? You guys were pretty popular, right? You won awards and shit, so there must be at least a few hundred people out there who would pay money to see some dirty pictures of you, maybe some short videos. That way you won’t need to go into professional porn and you wouldn’t need a partner, but you could still make decent money. And fast.”

Well, it actually made sense. It wasn’t like there weren’t hundreds of videos of him being fucked raw all over the internet, anyway. A few dirty pictures couldn’t hurt. And besides, it didn’t need to be forever, just until he figured something out.

“That’s… actually not a bad idea,” he conceded, drinking the last of the wine in his glass. MJ sympathetically filled it up again and he mumbled his thanks.

“What do you think he will do now?” Ned asked carefully, and Peter shrugged for what felt like the hundredth time. There was so much he didn’t know.

“Probably keep shooting videos with his new boy-toy.” He managed to say it with a steady voice, but his eyes burned. He still couldn’t believe how… replaceable Beck thought he was.

When he noticed them interacting online a few months earlier, before the boy was even eighteen, Peter was alarmed, but when he confronted the older man about it, he said he was crazy and seeing things, picking up fights for no reason. He always twisted things in a way that, somehow, Peter was the one apologizing to him in the end.

Months later, just weeks after the kid turned eighteen, there he was – homeless, penniless and lost – meanwhile the other guy was probably getting comfortable in his bed. If Peter didn’t hate the kid, he would pity him. In a few years, he would probably meet the same fate.

“Do you think he would take the videos down if you asked?” Ned asked, and Peter scoffed.

“Yeah, right, those videos will still make him a lot of money monthly, he’d never delete them.” And Peter would have to live with the fact that he would always be just one google search away from complete humiliation and exposure. If he ever tried to get a serious job, those videos would stand in the way. If he ever managed to meet somebody decent and good, those videos would be a testament to what sort of person he was in the past. Fuck, some of them were really fucked up.

“So… Should we create fake twitter accounts to trash talk his short dick or what?” MJ was already grabbing her phone and Peter laughed halfheartedly, shaking his head.

“He’s not worth it. Karma will take care of him, I’m sure.” He drank the last of his wine and whimpered sadly. “So… Can I crash with you guys for a few days? I promise I’m not gonna overstay my welcome! I’ll be out of your hair as soon as the Just4Fans thing works out.”

“Of course you can, nerd, stay as long as you need. We’ve got your back, c’mon.” MJ got up from her stool and gestured for him to do the same. “Do you mind taking the couch?” She asked as she headed to her bedroom in the tiny apartment.

“Not at all,” he answered with a sigh of relief, then went to grab his suitcase by the door. Three years together and that was all he had to show for it. A single suitcase with a few changes of clothes, after being kicked out of the house on a cold February night. His eyes burned but he took a deep breath, blinking them rapidly to avoid the tears.  

“Then make yourself at home. Our casa es su casa.” MJ placed a pillow on the couch and handed him a thick, warm blanket.

“We’ll figure something out, okay?” Ned clasped him on the shoulder with a gentle smile on his face.

“Okay.” He sighed, feeling like a weight had been lifted off his crushed chest.

He waited for his friends to go into their respective rooms, waited to hear their quiet snores, before he allowed the tears to run freely down his face, replaying everything Beck said to him when he kicked him out.

Before he knew it, he was a sobbing a little, so he buried his face in the pillow to muffle the noise, as he tried to convince himself that things were going to be okay, that he was going to be okay. But at that moment, that was hard to believe.

[grxceblqckthxrn]

TDA characters as types of tiktokers

y’all KNOW i’m bored when i’m doing this shit lmao 

i’ll get around to doing the other TSC characters eventually TDA was just the first to come to mind also if you’re not actively on tiktok some of what i say might not make sense ahaha

also i named some tiktokers who yall can use for reference for some of them and from what i’ve seen they’re all fairly unproblematic so you should check them out!!

EMMA CARSTAIRS

okay so she’s DEFINITELY super popular and she uses her platform for good

she’s really funny and a lot of her audios go viral posts videos of her dancing saying that she cant dance but she’s actually really good at it

6M followers and growing fast 

 hypes up her boyfriend’s account ALL the time

calls out misogynistic/racist tiktokers through duets and KEEPS THEIR TAG IN THE CAPTION  

 she is not afraid of starting drama lmao

occasionally hops on POV and transition trends but its usually satire 

emma can’t act for shit lmao 

super active on tiktok and has a spam account

people are always asking her to drop the skin care routine but she doesn’t have one?? 

*pushes Zara down* “and no one’s gonna help her?? WOW some world we live in”

JULIAN BLACKTHORN

there’s no way he doesnt  have an art account lmao

a lot of his paintings go viral but 90% of his comments are 14 year old girls thirsting over him

yall know that pottery guy on tiktok?? the cute one?? (i searched up his account just for this post he’s @/daxnewman769) that’s the best way to describe him

literally all the famous tiktokers commission him

probably has like 4M followers lmao

will occasionally make about how respecting women doesn’t make you a “simp”

doesn’t get into tiktok drama tho

posts candid videos of emma and all his jealous 14 year old fans get so pressed but he shuts down anyone who says anything bad about her

sometimes does painting or drawing tutorials and he’s really good at teaching stuff lmao

CRISTINA ROSALES

omg okay so like yall know those really pretty girls on tiktok who are literal models and are always dropping tips on how to frame your face for pictures and best clothes and poses and whatever  ( @/ameliezilber is the first person that came to mind as an example)

thats her

alot of her content is just for the aesthetic

BLING EFFECT

GRWM’s all the time

10 step skin care routine 

GOOD VIBES

has a pretty decent following?? like at least 2 million

has a spam but it’s exactly the same as her main lol

also calls out problematic tiktokers but not by name

her entire account is full of body positivity and does a bunch of stuff on loving yourself

sometimes does POVs and all the comments are like “@ netflix hire her rn”

sometimes posts crack videos with emma and cute vids with mark and kieran

MARK BLACKTHORN

does a lot of reaction videos and duets

a lot of his videos go viral but he doesn’t have a huge following like maybe 800k

 everyone still knows him

gets at least twenty “are you wearing only one contact” comment about his eyes every post

he’s really funny without even realizing it 

sometimes goes inactive for weeks at a time and just forgets that tiktok exists lmao

shows off kieran and cristina ALL THE MF TIME AND EVERYONE IS SO JEALOUS LIKE HOW ARE ALL OF THEM HOT

KIERAN 

doesnt have a tiktok lmao sorry

but shows up so much on mark’s and cristina’s that a lot of people know who he is

DIANA WRAYBURN

unironically does POVs but is actually good at them??

lots of videos talking about the struggles of minorities like LGBTQ+ and POC and women

posts a lot of those vidoes that are like “what to do if you ever get kidnapped” “red flags in relationships” “most powerful parts of the body” etc

probably has like 500k followers 

at the end of the day she doesn’t really use tiktok that much tho ahaha

LIVVY BLACKTHORN:

does a little bit of everything??

posts dance videos sometimes 

omg her transitions are SO good

everyone is in love with her and she has to remind them that she’s a minor (i’m just a kid plays aggressively in the background)

posts videos that are just vibes?? like her skating at night, dancing in traffic with dru/her friends, walking through the city at night etc

lots of lip syncing videos to whatever sounds are popular and all her comments are like “i wish i looked like this” “guess im not eating today” and she gets so upset :((

she wants everyone to know that they’re perfect the way they are!!

also posts POVs sometimes and she’s not that bad at them ahaha 

probably has like 1 million followers 

doesn’t even need a spam just posts everything on her main 

shouts out her sibilings accounts all the time

overall just great energy

TY BLACKTHORN

never posts his face on his main but he does on his spam

yall know those accounts that post fun facts or psychology facts?? his is like that except he talks to explain them and everyone finds his voice SO calming 

he posts a lot of content of animals and everyone is in AWE with how good he is with them

his username is probably theanimalwhisperer or something djkfskjd

every single time he posts Kit on his account all the comments are like “OOH ICU” and “SHIP” and “ASK HIM OUT ALREADY”

he gives 0 shits about popularity on tiktok he’s just posting for fun because he likes teaching people about his interests

so he has like maybe 500k followers

lots of philosophical questions that has everyone questioning their existence

ugh i love him

KIT HERONDALE

be honest this is what y’all were waiting for 

yall know those unproblematic ppl that everyone refers to as the “king(s) of tiktok”???

yeah thats him

SO FUNNY

LIKE HIS CONTENT IS GENUINELY HILARIOUS

lots of sarcasm and satire

think @/adamkindacool  ?? (one of my favourite tiktokers lmao)

does reaction videos for those “pov: im the annoying hot cheeto girl sitting next to you in math class” videos

dark humor (not like rude humor but actual dark humor)

like “i put the baby in the oven and the pizza in the bed” type of jokes back when those were a thing

has like 4M followers but almost every single one of his posts go viral so he’s gaining fast

lots of pranks

starts a bunch of trends

any video he posts of Mina goes viral

sometimes he posts some really weird stuff that has everyone laughing so hard irl (@/benoftheweek)

he NEVER thirst traps but still gets a lot of those weird sexual fairy comments on his posts (iykyk)

TO BE CLEAR I MEAN THE FAIRY EMOJI ONES NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM BEING FAE 

reacts to the comments with a video of him just staring at the screen with the “oh to see without my eyes” or “im just sixteen” audio going on in the background which only encourages them to make more weird comments

anyways everyone loves him

any of his povs are pure jokes meant to make fun of pov’ers

posts maybe one serious tiktok every 5 months that talks about being respectful and using your platform for good

“i miss old tiktok”

posts a lot of random videos of Ty where, again, all the comments are shipping them except even more so on his account because everyone can see his heart eyes for Ty

collabs with Dru a lot and does a bunch of duets of her videos

everyone loves him bye

DRU BLACKTHORN

SO many memes

she deletes any hate in her comments bc she honestly doesnt care to respond to them and doesn’t need that kind of negativity in her life

but one time she got a “the f in women stands for funny” comment and she WENT OFF

does really dark povs sometimes that are really interesting

CLOWN MAKEUP + SCARY CLOWN TIKTOKS ( think @/avani ‘s clown make up posts

REALLY good at makeup and sometimes gets julian to do scary makeup on her for tiktoks and povs (like those ones with stitches over the mouth or skin peeling off)

huge ally!! posts a lot about minorities struggles and white privilege, and acknowledges hers

does movie reviews and stuff sometimes

“types of” videos

pulls a lot of pranks on her sibilings with livvy and sometimes with Kit

lots of body positivity + self love

calls out back-handed compliments

also has a lot of content like Livvy’s of just vibing in LA

julian and emma and mark go off at anyone who sexualize her in the comments

probably has like 650k followers

posts a couple of times a week

BONUS: 

JAIME ROSALES

lots of skateboarding videos idk he just gives me that vibe

doesn’t post that often but is super popular

like maybe 1.5M followers

really passionate about systematic racism

HATES all those privileged white boys using the “this is america” audio to pretend they’re oppressed ( this is a may 2020 thing so it probably wont make sense to anyone who sees this after lmao)

POSTS A LOT OF THIRST TRAPS LMAO 

also posts lots of videos that’s just him yelling about stuff but they’re really entertaining to watch ( like that guy sebastian @/sauceyogranny)

everyone thinks he’s super hot he always shows up in those “hottest boys on tiktok” videos except sometimes he’s just the token POC boy and it makes him mad :( 

DIEGO ROSALES

HIS ACCOUNT IS SO PRACTICAL LMAO

lots of tips 

“what to do if you’re trapped in the desert” “what to do if you’re kidnapped and stuck in the trunk”

doesnt reply to comments EVER unless it’s to clarify a point he made in the video or answer a question

has like 200k

okay thats it lmao im done bye this took me like an hour to make

i’ll get to all the other characters from the other series’ eventually 

also if yall are wondering abt the lack of f*ckbois in this post they’re coming dw

TMI CHARACTERS AS TYPES OF TIKTOKERS

TID CHARACTERS AS TYPES OF TIKTOKERS 

TLH CHARACTERS AS TYPES OF TIKTOKERS

[omisbreakfast]

i rank every summer outfits from a3! because??

because i can. also fuck you.

the first version of this was deleted by tumblr in my drafts and now i have to re write it entirely and i fucking hate it here... anyways.

i’m biased as fuck

sorry it’s a long post

harugumi :

itaru : yeah no actually it’s pretty fine. ngl itaru is kinda hot when he dress correctly so there’s that. also, he’s often in pink. it suits him, but i don’t like it. still.... cute. but it’s also itaru so not too much praises. 9/10

citron : why.......... the shoes.... what the fuck are those shoes.... where did you even find them..... do you wanna fight or something.... this fills me with rage... you’ve disappointed me, citron... also hate the shirt. 3/10

tsuzuru : casual, soft, classic boy... nothing much to say here. but WHY THE FUCKING HAT??? IT RUINS EVERYTHING...... at least wear it correctly PLEASE. YOU DUMABSS. and the shoes would have been better in another color. i just,,,,, why tsuzuru, why the hat... 4/10

sakuya : i can’t bring myself to say bad things about sakuya. (also the fact that i don’t remember what i wrote before the first version of this post got deleted in my drafts pisses me off) but like,,, he’s cute. i mean it’s a classic outfit. tho the choice of the shirt is questionable as fuck. also HES SO TINY BABY. 6/10

masumi : yeah no actually i like it. i really like the shirt for some reason, it suits him. BUT BUT BUT the pants looks weird as hell LMAO?? like... it makes him looks like a crotch less ken doll??? it’s,,, really weird. also the shoes are.... hmmm.... overall good balance but there’s some weird stuffs going on. 7/10

chikage : garbage boy stink man. fucking looks like a rich white boy coming home from tennis and i fucking hate it here ™ if i’m objective about this it’s actually NOT bad but it loses several points for the sole reason that it’s fucking chikage and i won’t take shit for it. 6/10

natsugumi :

kazunari : why. why do you do this. why. why. how am i supposed to ever learn how to love when you backstab me like this, kaz ? what do we do now ? i trusted you and you betrayed me. i can never find love ever again............ yeah ok. pls let’s skip to the next one.... 2/10 (and two points is because it’s kaz and i just can’t bring myself to truly hate him.)

yuki : it’s not bad but i hate this dress. like. his outfits are usually ok but this? no. YOU LOOK LIKE A GOOD CHRISTIAN BOY, DAMN IT YUKI. are YOU GOING TO CHURCH TO PRAISE THE LORD TODAY TOO? also the colour of it... no. 4/10

tenma : congrats you rich boy you finally have a decent outfit ! though i don’t understand the concept of your zip being infront but ok. bet his stans like it smh. also i like the color of his jacket. very nice. 8/10

muku : baby i love u so much but u look like the pinterest girls who take aesthetic pictures in flowers fields and are smiling like the sun @ the camera.......... which is not per se but it’s a whole vibe. also stop wearing orange. it doesn’t go with your hair well........ ilu cutie. 8/10

misumi : my sweet boy. why are you wearing an hoodie with a jacket. why. it’s summer you idiot. you’ll get overheated. stop. but overall he looks very nice. idk i just think he’s neat......... i. i love u @ misumi. 9/10 (don’t look at me)

kumon : he... he looks like.... a j-j-j*ck..... which he is............... i just........... oh my god. i love kumon but he IS a jock i JUST ???? LALFKGKK. also his fucking shoes makes me lose my mind because this is so fucking bullshit ???? so ugly it hurts my eyes.... he’s lucky he’s a good boy. 4/10

akigumi :

juza : nah he hot as hell in this pass on it. if you’re asking yourself why he looks so good, here’s your answer : his arms. his arms are great. i can excuse his sandales this time cuz IT IS summer but yeah. yeah no he’s cute and- yeah. ok. yeah. hm hm. 9.5/10

taichi : so the thing with taichi is that his style is NOT bad per se but like. he’s a skater boy. so my standards are already very low for him,,,, like no offence i love taichi so much but,,,, that’s how it be.... his shirts are usually so big he looks like a GOD DAMN FLAG i can’t with this. and i don’t like how baggy his pants are but yeah,,,, it’s just a whole look.... anyways................ 6/10

omi : in which yosei boys decided to fucking test my patience by putting on classic, good looking clothes and decided to absolutely ruin my entire hopes and dreams (if i’m being dramatic ? no i am not.) AND their WHOLE outfits adding an useless stupid fucking hat thay doesnt seems even to be worn properly. omi, tsuzuru, you’ll pay for this. 7/10

sakyo : (i’m tired as heck and i almost forgot about sakyo when he’s right in the middle) actually i like this. it’s color coordinated and i think that’s very nice. but i wish his pants would have been a little bit longer. yeah no that’s it for real. also idk what’s about this outfit but he really shows how skinny he really is LMAOOO. shithead sakyo. 8/10

azami : the thing about azami is that usually his upper half is pretty well dressed, or whatever, but when we look at his pants/shoes its where everything goes to shit. Like ???? what the fuck man you could have done so much better if you didn’t decide to put this gigantic pants who looks like you’re gonna fly with it or fucking whatever (i don’t need to make sense i’m TIRED) also his shoes bothers me. can’t believe he’s fucking 15 like shut up. 6/10

banri : ...... *inhales* FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUU. fuck you and your ugly ass little hat and your zombie like haircut i. fucking despise you. if he were standing right infront of me, no he wouldn’t be because he would deck him so hard. YOU HAVE THE MONEY TO BUY CLOTHES AND THE TIME TO TRY AND MAKE IT LOOK GOOD ?? SO WHY???? what’s going on in your ugly ass little head bitch. THANK YOU god he isn’t wearing any animal prints in this, thats one thing. imagine this awful outfit with the ugly shoes and stUPID FUCKING HAT that i hate, with a leopard print shirt.... yeah cursed. i know. sorry banri stans i cant hear you over the sound of your man fishing with joe and bertrand on a sunday morning at 6am. 3/10

fuyugumi :

tasuku : ... idk man. he’s just there. why is... his shoes... so flashy........ bruh...... also he looks like a very straight man and idk how to feel about this. we know u gay bitch. 7/10

hisoka : except for the fucking weird ass pants it’s actually ok. he looks.... very comfy. 10/10 would CUDDLE...... pls hisoka.... i’m tired... fluffy boy..... ugh..... i don’t have much to say about this ok he just.... spare some cuddles. 7/10

actually i like it. well. there’s two things that bothers me. GREEN. DOESN’T. SUIT. HIM. PERIOD. if u think otherwise i’m sorry. it’s just awful with his purple hair (or whatever color it is) imo. and the second..... the square should have been a triangle. i won’t take no’s. 8.5/10

tsumugi : ngl tsumugi gives me little lost boy looking for his mommy vibes. at first i thought it was his outfits but no, it’s just his face. and this ? doesn’t make it better. idk how to explain but how he wears his shirt makes it look like he’s floating and it’s kinda cute in a... special way. he’s just a very sweet boy. 7/10

azuma : i can’t bring myself to even say bad things about azuma... it’s physical. i just can’t. i have a theory his power is that strong and therefore i cannot critizice this beauty. he just. is. ya know........ sigh...... 9/10

guy : if he dresses like this, that’s.... that’s not your man, ladies. that’s your loving, hardworking and dedicated husband who just went to pick some flowers in the prairies next to your little farm in the middle of the nowhere but who’s still paradise on earth cuz it’s the two of you and you couldn’t ask for anything more. deadass. fucking peasants. 4/10

[little-red-toyota]

Final good bye to the fandom

TW//Trauma, triggers, nsfw, sexual themes, rape, domestic abuse e.g.

This is gonna be a long ass post…

It has taken me a while to get emotionally strong enough to do this, as I will have to think back at some traumatic events from my past to address some of these things. That's why I waited until I got home from vacation with my family, as it will seriously affect my mood and mental health, and I want to be near my doctor and therapist, just in case.

And also, I know that the majority of those reading this will invalidate me and tell me I am making things up to clear my name. So, I literally have to torment myself to write a blog post people will just brush off as bogus anyway. But I will do it now that I am in safe surroundings. Then it will be off my chest, and I can finally move on. If people will continue stirring up the past, it will be their problem, not mine.

I think I should write one last blog post where I address everything. I have left the TTTE-fandom, but I will write that one as my final goodbye to the fandom. I just have to find out everything I've been accused of so I can properly address them all in order. I might leave out details of my life that is too hard for me to open up about. I know most of you will just invalidate me anyway.

1. The Stepney fic and glorifying rape.

2. My mafia-AU.

3. The Darin incident.

4. Being a pedophile. (Where do they get this from anyway??)

5. Running the NSFW-blog.

6. Drawing penises/boobs on trains. Drawing age-regression art.

Is there more?

Ah... yes! Faking my own suicide, of course!

7. "Faking" being suicidal.

8. Having the audacity to survive and go on living.

9. "Making up" my past trauma to justify writing fics to cope with it.

10. Being a nazi for being interested in WW2 history and for being Norwegian and having so-called nazi-letters in my last name (actual letters of the Norwegian alphabet).

11. Putting a white-supremacist flag (the actual flag of Norway) on my porch on family birthdays and our national day.

12. Being a danger to my daughter.

Anything else that needs to be addressed? What else am I being accused of? Send me a dm and I will add it to the post.

 Okay, I will bump the Stepney fic down a bit as it is the most traumatic thing for me to address, I will save that one for last.

2 and 3. The dark au/mafia au where I gave some TTTE characters some rather dark and unpleasant character traits, and the whole incident with Darin and the pedo-Salty was addressed in this blog post written by my husband last year, so I am not opening that can of worms again: https://little-red-toyota.tumblr.com/post/623743183795470336/in-light-of-recent-events

Even the thing about Toby cheating on Henrietta is addressed there.

As for the au, I never fully explored it as I started losing interest in TTTE around the same time. I found other things to enjoy and TTTE faded into the background and the au was dropped before I even wrote any stories, apart from the one about Toby and Henrietta.

Some people claim, like this lovely individual, that most of the characters were rapists and pedos. No, not most. Only one of each. And I did not write more than one story about rape and suicide. Where does this person even get that from? Someone who told someone who had heard from someone who might have heard….?

Don't spread rumors unless you are sure that they are true.

Anyway, it's all addressed in that blog post in that link. I don't see how this mafia au is any worse than other dark post-apocalyptic or violent aus. It mostly was about the diesel mafia and their illegal businesses, not about sex, even if it did occur now and then. I find the substance abuse in it to be more problematic tbh…  

 4. Being a pedophile.

I don't even know how to defend myself against this one, as I don't even know why people think I am pedophile. They only throw the accusation out with no backing evidence, so I have no idea where it comes from or what it is that makes people think I am one.

Apart from one claim that I had faved "porn" alongside "strangers'" baby photos on DA. I addressed that earlier though. As DeviantArt doesn't sort what you click "like" on, it all ends up in the same folder unless you actively go through it and sort it into categories, which I don't bother most of the time. It also doesn't say WHEN it was added to your faves. So, I can have faved an artistic nude on Saturday, and then faved my friend's family photo on Thursday. It's not like I actively search for porn, get all steamed up and then look at pictures of children. WTF.

The few children I have faved are not from complete strangers, but long-term friends of mine. Yes, it is possible to have friends on the same website. I have actually met a lot of my RL friends through DeviantArt. I posted photos of my daughter when she was a baby, they would fave it and congratulate me. So, I did the same when they had a baby. As simple as that. Nothing weird or perverted about it. Due to people doxxing me last year however, I deleted the photos of me, my husband and my daughter from DeviantArt, so it's no longer there.

Porn isn't allowed on DeviantArt anyway. The nudes there are so-called artistic nudes, and for the most part I use them as pose-references when I draw as it is easier to draw a pose using a nude base and then dress them up once you got the pose right.

"The very naked" centaurs I have faved. Well, I like the mythological creature Centaur. And as far as I know… they do not wear clothes, so how are they NOT nude? Look it up, it's a horse body with a human torso instead of horse head. I don't see them as sexual, but what do I know? Maybe YOU do?

I have no sexual interest in children whatsoever.

 5. Running the NSFW-blog on Tumblr and Twitter.

Yes. I was one of six people modding that blog. ONE of six, so I refuse to take the full blame here.

MerciResolution has openly admitted to being the founder, and she recruited me and some others to modify as the confession load became too heavy for one person to handle alone.

The original blog on Tumblr worked as follows: People would anonymously send a confession to our askbox, we would add a picture (sometimes photoshopped) to the text and post it on the blog. Always tagged as NSFW and with proper trigger warnings if necessary! The blog itself was also marked as explicit, so it didn't appear in searches and such.

For us, this blog was nothing but a joke. We did it for shits and giggles. If anyone took it seriously and thought we got off to the stuff that was posted, we apologize for that, but to us it was just for laughs. And we DID laugh a lot, you guys should have seen the weird shit people sent us sometimes!

We had fun and we never thought anyone would take it seriously, so we never thought of writing "joke" in the description or anything. It never occurred to us that it could be anything but a joke.

We also made a Twitter account for it, also locked for minors. But it was quickly hacked, and someone changed the password so we could no longer access it. We made another account and forgot about the old one…

After a while, the original mods started losing interest and the blog (both on Tumblr and Twitter) became less active. That's when a person I had known for years, and wrongfully trusted, came forward and wanted to take over ownership. So, the ownership was handed over to Russalita/Charlie.

That turned out to be huge mistake!

Me and the other mods had more or less forgotten that the blogs existed, when suddenly someone started bashing me and getting up in my arms over it. I got seriously confused as I hadn't been active on it in almost a year. But as it turned out, Russalita had removed the mature filters and made the accounts open for all the see. Even minors.

And as people knew I was one of the mods, they fired their guns at me. I can see why though, so I'm not pointing any fingers here.

I tried contacting her by phone, asking her to lock the accounts again, but she gave me a less than polite response, hung up and then blocked my number…

So, I decided to try to shut the blogs down on my own, trying the old passwords. It worked on the Tumblr-account, and I managed to password protect it, for some reason it couldn't be fully deleted. But the Twitter account had gotten its password changed by Russalita. I was however able to get a new password by logging into the e-mail we had used to create it. I deleted the Twitter blog fully. It can't be re-activated even if we wanted to. It's gone.

But it turns out the old, hacked one is still up and now open for everyone. And this one poses a huge problem as we have no way of getting into it to delete it. Only thing we have been able to do so far is reporting it and hope it will be removed by Twitter. So I only have one thing to say about it: report it.

I am no longer running any NSFW TTTE blog anywhere, nor do I have interest in doing so. So, if you come across one, claiming to be me or any of the other mods, it is false.

 6. Drawing penises/boobs on trains. Drawing age-regression art.

People seem to believe I have drawn genitals on trains. I have never done such. Any art on the NSFW-blog with genitalia on the trains were sent in by confessors and was not drawn by me. Most of them seems to have been drawn by someone who goes by the name "The Lance".

I HAVE drawn things for the NSFW blog, but there were no genitalia in those drawings. I drew Frank of Arlesdale looking grossed out by (I don't know what the part is named in English, but it is connected to the brakes of the engine) that stick-like thing on his bufferbeam being wet from whatever the confessor did to him. I drew an over-exaggerated comical pic of a horrified Peter Sam getting his face licked by his driver, who had an enormous tongue. I also did a couple of manips. Mostly maniping engine faces on humans, like the one where Gordon's face is on a less than fit guy flailing his shirt around, and the Arlesdale smallies' faces on a movie poster from Magic Mike. One with Mr.Conductor in a giant bun while Pinchy is applying ketchup on him, for a confession about eating him, I think?  I've done some more, but I forgot what it was, I only know I loved making them comical rather than erotic, as I saw the blog as a joke overall.

I HAVE also drawn aheago faces on engines because it looks hilarious. Though I have only drawn them on my OCs and the NRS engines, not TTTE characters.

Point is I have never drawn genitalia on trains. Ever. And I likely never will. It's not THAT much fun drawing NSFW stuff.

I see from this screenshot that a certain MK-Instrumentalist claim that all my personal art is age-regression art and infantilism…

Whose art have you been looking at? Because it's definitely not mine. I have drawn a couple of baby/chibi diesels… But claiming that all of my 700 or so artworks are depicting infantilism and age-regression stuff? I suggest people go have a look for themselves. I haven't drawn that. That MK-guy has been desperately trying to cancel me for ages for reasons only himself know. I don't even know the guy, and he doesn't know me, yet he wants to see me beheaded. Go figure.

I was for a long time bothered by some age-regressor on Tumblr who just wouldn't leave me alone with their weird asks, who tried to force themselves on me and some other artists here. They claim age-regression isn't a fetish, but the shit they sent to my askbox certainly looked like a fetish to me.

I don't want anything to do with that stuff. It weirds me out.

And no. I have never drawn pedophilia or rape art either. This guy can't even make up his mind on which one to accuse me of.

 7 and 8. Faking suicide and having the audacity to survive and go on living.

As many know, after the intense shitstorm against me last summer, thanks to Darin, I attempted suicide. I didn't succeed as my husband came home early. I was gone for a few days but returned when a young boy reached out to me for help as he was being groomed and didn't know who else to turn to.

Recently I saw a screenshot where someone claimed me to have faked suicide, and that I just came back after a few days when everything had died down.

Wow.

I am truly sorry I survived.

I don't remember much from those days to be honest, but as the load became too heavy and the bullying too intense, piling up on 30 years of old trauma… I decided to end it. I must warn you guys who might get triggered now; there are detailed descriptions of a suicide attempt. Proceed with caution. People told me I was a bad mother among other things, having had those same thoughts myself (according to my husband, I am a good mom) and people just confirming them, I thought that my daughter would be better off growing up without me. I could have chosen a more effective suicide method, but I was afraid my daughter would be the first to find me, so I wanted it to be clean and look like I was just sleeping. That way it could be explained as natural causes.

So, I decided to overdose on pills. I downed all pills I could find in the house that had a warning triangle on it (strong pain meds etc.) and then went to my computer to delete my online existence, especially the personal data.

As a former paramedic, I should have known better. Because after half an hour, my body started reacting. But not the way I had hoped and wanted. I started retching and almost vomiting. That's when my husband came home from work and found me. He immediately saw the empty packages and knowing my past suicidal tendencies, he reacted instinctively. He put his fingers down my throat and had me puke everything up, then he called an ambulance and had me admitted to the hospital.

I don't remember anything from the days I spent there. But I have been told they emptied my stomach and gave me lots of fluids. I was then assigned a psychiatrist which I am still seeing today.

I was gone for those days because I was in hospital, not because I was pulling some kind of trick and pretending to have ended myself.

So… I am sorry I "faked" my suicide.

I'm sorry my husband saved me. I am sorry the medics and doctors succeeded in saving my life.

I am sorry I survived and proceeded to live on. If I ever make another attempt, I promise to do better.

Why are you guys so persistent in trying to push people to suicide anyway? Do you get a kick out of it? Why do people have to be pushed to that point before you care?

What did we tell our daughter? Simply that I got sick and had to go to the hospital. She took that well.

I've seen a lot of people wonder why I am still around. Why shouldn't I? Does my daughter deserve to lose her mother over some online crap she doesn't even know about? I owe her to live and watch her grow up, to help her with her homework and whatever else a parent needs to do. I also owe my husband to stay by his side, like I promised him the day we got married. Even if I do not wish to live.

I'm sorry I survived, guys. Really, I am.

 9. "Making up" my past trauma to justify writing fics to cope with it. And 1. The Stepney fic and glorifying rape.

 First… why would anyone make up trauma? It's not like it's a competition to have the worst life, is it?

Sadly, I don't have to make up anything. My life HAS been rocky up until the birth of my daughter. I have been through so much trauma I couldn't even fathom it myself before my therapist listed it all up to me. Until then, I had just been casually talking to her about it, like I would talk about the weather. I didn't cry or get in touch with my emotions even once while telling everything, because I was taught from an early age to never complain, to suck it up and go on. So, no matter what people did to me, I would just smile and go on, even if it killed me inside. I did not want to show any sign of weakness, because then they would attack me. A habit I developed through years of being bullied in school. Never show feelings, just pretend nothing could hurt you, then they would eventually grow tired of it and stop.

Except they never did. They kept going through all my years at school. To such an extent, my boyfriend didn't dare to show himself hanging out with me out of fear of being bullied himself… And as we grew older, he would start cheating on me too. And I kept smiling…

My next boyfriend was a bit older than me, and while that didn't bother me, as we were both well over legal age, it bothered him. We only lasted one year before he bailed out and ditched me out of the blue via an sms.

The next guy… was the one who scarred me for life. Both physically and mentally. A charmer at first of course, until I was trapped. He was unemployed, so he moved in with me, and I paid for everything from food to phone bills. All while he was dating several women behind my back, calling various pay-phone services and in general acted like a manwhore. As I worked as an electrician (also being subject to massive bullying and sexual harassment at work), he would be jealous of all my co-workers and if I ever came home late or worked overtime, he accused me of cheating and was extremely violent about it. He would also isolate me from my friends and family, making me think I couldn't get any other than him. If any of my male friends (almost all my friends are male…) came over, he would give me such hell afterwards, it was easier just to tell them it was a bad time to visit. And after a while, they stopped asking. This guy also demanded sex. Every single day. If I refused, he would punish me, mostly by flogging me with lampcords, belts or whatever else he had at hand. My back is a criss cross map of old, faded scars even now nearly 20 years later. I would have shown you a photo, but I am so self-concious about my body after all the bullying, I hardly even show my face in photos. Maybe one day… but I certainly need more therapy before being able to show naked skin to strangers, even if it's just my back. So I had non-consensual sex with him more often than consensual. It has taken me hours in therapy to even take the word in my mouth and call it by its proper name: rape. I was raped, almost every single day for little over a year, before I found the strength to break out of the relationship and finally throw him out of my house. It all ended when I found some revealing texts on his cellphone, which he was extremely protective of… Texts that revealed that he had engaged in a relationship with a 12 year old girl, and it had been going on for a while. Not only was he cheating on me, but he was a pedophile too. Needless to say, I didn't even let him pack his stuff before I fetched my shotgun and chased him out of the house. I don't know where I got the courage and strength from… but I was furious.

I thought I had gotten rid of him, but no. He started stalking me in public. Hiding behind shelves when I was shopping, his car following mine everywhere I went. I received weird letters in the mail with cut-out letters from newspapers, glued together. On top of all, his creepy, old uncle called me with some rather disgusting suggestions and tried to come on to me really hard. I had to change my phone number, and after coming home to my house and finding out someone had entered my home using a key, only to empty the drawer of my night table, I also had to change the locks of my doors as he had clearly copied the key.

He didn't stop until I got the police involved.

So, when I finally met the guy who would become my husband (or rather, we found out we were made for each other, we had known each other since we were 11 years old), I had major trust issues towards men especially and it took him endless patience and love to break me out of that shell.

But the trauma doesn't stop… or start there.

In the year 2000, on January 4th, I would experience something that made me unable to even look at a train for over 10 years. The Åsta accident (google it). I was a volunteer in the Norwegian Red Cross then, and a paramedic in training. Back then, you were allowed to start training the year you would turn 16. So, I was still 15 when I witnessed the most traumatic event of my life. The day started out calm, we were stocking up the ambulance after delivering a patient to the hospital when we got a call with the code "500", which means "catastrophe". Normally when we get that code it is a rehearsal… so we drove towards the coordinates with the thoughts that this was just an exercise, nothing real… we didn't prepare ourselves mentally… And we ended up in the closest thing to hell I have ever been… The sight of the burning trains, the smells, the sounds, the screaming… I still wake up by nightmares to this day. Though the moment that haunts me the most is when the screaming stopped… because we all knew why… I don't want to go into details, but 19 people died that day. But we also saved 67 people. I try to hold on to that thought. The age limit for starting paramedic training was raised after this, as I wasn't the only one who was too young for an accident of that scale. Today it is 18. A memorial stone has been placed on the site, but I still haven't been able to bring myself to visit it, even if we drive past the site every year on our way to visit family further north in the country. I needed hours of therapy to even be able to ride a train after this. To have gotten to the point where I now volunteer at a heritage railway and is in training to become a driver, is a HUGE step for me. My next goal is to visit the site of the accident.

On to next trauma… A previous employer, a rather large electric company in Norway, whom I worked for 8 years. The first five years were great, we were a close-knit bunch of electricians, and we had a great relationship with the bosses and higher-ups. Our labor union was strong.

It all started changing in 2009 when we got new leaders… and those decided to get rid of everyone who were a member of the union. One by one, they started harassing workers in various ways, trying to get them to quit. In Norway, they need a legal reason to fire you, it's not enough to not like someone. There has to be a good reason to fire someone e.g. theft, neglecting work… Since they didn't have any reasons to fire us, they started making our work lives gradually harder and harder until we would break and find another job. Sadly, one of my co-workers couldn't stand the pressure… He bid us all farewell as normal one Friday and hung himself the following day.. But as I was a girl in a male-dominated profession, I had been taught at an early stage to ignore anything that would hurt me emotionally, just arch my neck and plow through. I kept doing that, despite starting to feel more and more mental and physical pains… even my co-workers pointed out how I was being mistreated before I acknowledged it myself. I tried to tell my boss, but he reacted by treating me worse. So, I went to his boss… and that's when things went to hell. Instead of doing his job and listen, he started harassing me too. He deemed my over-weight a problem, and he started demanding I gave him detailed lists of what I ate and how much I worked out… Completely illegal of course, but by this point I was broken down to the point I thought I was useless and couldn't get another job… so I accepted. He started accusing me of lying about my exercise, so I started training at the gym in the basement at work instead. One day, while I was there, he locked the doors and turned the lights off. There were no windows, no cellphone reception and hardly anyone walking by in that part of the building… I sat there in the pitch dark for 3 hours before I was let back out. I still get badly triggered by narrow, dark rooms and rooms with no windows. To such an extent, I jumped out of a small window on the second floor of a gym when I was in boot camp. I was allowed to train downstairs in the bigger gym with windows on all walls after that incident…

The harassment at work went on for years until I finally snapped, ended up at the hospital and got into therapy for the first time. I don't want to go into depth about what more happened, I just can't… I can't bring myself to write it all. Luckily, I had gotten more education while working, so when I graduated, another company called and gave me an offer I just couldn't refuse. So, I quit my job and never looked back, even if the traumas I suffered there still haunts me to this day.

Sadly, even after switching jobs, now getting a safe job with sane leaders… I started to relax, and that's when all my past trauma came washing over me. And one day, on while driving to work, I had my first serious panic attack. It started as this feeling I used to have at the old company; getting sick to my stomach and having the sense of someone being out to get me… then it developed to breathing problems… and I had to pull the car over. I broke into tears, struggling to breathe, stumbling out of the car to read the logo on its side just to reassure my body and brain that I worked for a different company now and there was no reason for panic. I called my boss and let him know, because he also was a "refugee" from that other company, so he knew what me and several others had gone through. He managed to talk me down enough for me to come to the office to talk to him. That helped.

I got back into therapy. A better therapist this time. But sadly, it got apparent that I could no longer work as an electrician as there was too many triggers. I was diagnosed with PTSD, severe depression, and social anxiety. I'm still working on these and get better slowly.

I have been in therapy for a long time now, and it was my therapist that suggested I wrote fics to cope and "write it out". I tried to make up my own characters for this, but never felt any connection. I was by this time in the TTTE fandom and had met people with similar trauma and pasts like myself, and I started roleplaying with some of them. Me and a girl from UK then agreed to try to rp/co-write a fic to cope with our trauma. We both found it easier to write about pre-established characters we had a connection to, even if it was an au that made it barely recognizable from the original source material. Only the names and some minor things were similar.

That fic was Stepney's Virginity Gets Lost.

Do we regret writing it? No. It helped us write out our traumas and helped us overcome some mental obstacles in out therapy process. Our therapists cheering us on, because we finally managed to break through the hard shell surrounding us. We both cried for the first time in years while writing it, some of it through roleplay, because some parts were extremely graphic and brutal and very mentally exhausting. We had to take long breaks between each writing session, so the fic wasn't written in just a weekend. But we got a lot of darkness out of our minds by writing all this. And we were definitely NOT aroused by it, like this pervert here claims.

It's when you dare to touch and feel the difficult and dark emotions, you can finally move along in the grieving process.

Should it have been posted online?

In retrospect, no. But at the time, we thought it might help other trauma victims, as we also found reading about other people's experiences and fictions touching painful subjects helpful to ourselves. So, we posted it, never expecting it to cause such a controversy 3 years later. In fact, we had more or less forgotten about it until it came back to bit us in the ass. Or rather, bite ME in the ass, as I am getting the full blame alone.

Also, despite what people claim, it was not posted openly for children to read. It was tagged properly and hidden behind mature content walls. If a minor chooses to break that wall, that's not the author's fault. It's the same as watching a movie with an age restriction way above your age, not the filmmaker's fault.

I think MerciResolution puts it nicely here:

"If your problem lies with you KNOWINGLY entering adult spaces when you’re a minor, ignoring all mature warnings that are literally SCREAMING at you “hey, this is what you’re getting into. Are you sure you want to proceed?”

That’s ENTIRELY on you. YOU are the fucking problem.

We’re marking mature things as best as we properly can. If you decide to ignore them, that’s your own damn fault. We’re not your fucking babysitters."

Also, I never posted the story on Wattpad, so if anyone has done that, it's not me. I posted the story on Fanfiction.net, DeviantArt and AO3, that's all. If it's posted anywhere else, it's not done by me.

I had honestly moved on from it when people pulled me back into it.

Other people who have done questionable shit in that fandom are easily forgiven because "they have moved on" or "changed". Yet, nobody believes I can move on or change…?

I had moved on; my interests had changed. But people won't let me, so here I am… Having to defend some crap I did years ago. A fic I no longer have any interest in.

I'm not even interested in TTTE anymore. I have moved on with my own book project now and I would like to focus on that.

So, deleting my TTTE content, whether it was the SFW or NSFW stuff, didn't cost me a penny. It actually felt like a relief. The only downside with it is that people now can't read it and make up their own opinion about it, but will solely believe in what others say, and those things are often seriously bent out of shape and blown out of proportions to such an extent it's barely recognizable.

If people claim that Arry and Bert rape Stepney in the fic, they have never seen it or read it. That's not what happens. That's just an assumption made by looking at the title and knowing there is a rape/torture scene in it. But I'm not gonna tell who the victim is or who performed it, because this is the only way I am able to tell who has actually read the fic or not, who is just trying to spread bullshit and who is actually telling the truth. The person in that screenshot, has no idea what he's talking about.

Does SVGL romanticize rape and abuse?

No, not in the least. It's described as the horrible, heinous acts it is and is in no way meant to be cute or romantic and definitely NOT something anyone should get off to. If anyone finds it sexy, that's their problem, not the authors'. If anything, SVGL might romanticize suicide, because one of the characters isn't able to cope with his trauma and chooses to end their life. Which is something I considered doing myself when I was in the darkest pit of depression. So, I apologize for maybe romanticizing suicide. The following chapters describe how friends and family handle the loss and grief.

It also describes a toxic relationship, where one of the parts struggles to get out of it. They eventually manage to break free, but it is not easy. This can easily be translated to my previously mentioned relationship, as it was my way of writing out my experience about how hard it is to break out of a relation when your partner has broken you down to the point where you no longer believe in yourself and your self-worth.

The last chapters start to gradually become brighter, as both our lives started getting better too. But we never really wrote the end because we both lost interest in writing TTTE content by that time and just left it hanging.

I'm not the only one who has written NSFW TTTE fanfics out there. But it seems like violence and murder is more acceptable than sexual things? I do wonder how brutally mutilating children's show characters are more tolerable than sexually abusing them. Neither should be okay.

Some content creators hide behind "it was a joke". I have been told that such topics that SVGL touches upon shouldn't be joked about… so I didn't do that, and yet it was wrong? So how should such topics be treated? Be hidden like it's a shame, like in the old days when rape victims were told to suck things up and keep it to themselves? When those subject to abuse didn't dare to speak up because people would judge them?

I think it is important to talk about these subjects and why they are so problematic. Victims shouldn't have to hide their trauma; they should be allowed to talk openly about it without fearing judgement.

Some of you claim that writing isn't a good way to cope… You're trying to dictate how trauma victims deal with their trauma, and that's a dangerous path to walk down. Nobody handles trauma the same way. You might have your thoughts on how you would react, but you'll never know until trauma hits you… and you might not react the way you had expected or planned. Trauma messes with your head and you won't be able to think clearly. It makes you do thinks you normally wouldn't have done and can make you act out of character. So, do not judge people without having been in the same situation yourself. Ever.

Someone wrote that I have "more problems that just a rape".

Read that again.

Just a rape.

This person does not know how damaging a rape can be. And if you made it this far in this post, you know I didn't only go through one, but several. Not just by my ex, but also being ambushed while I was walking home from a party, and later; a co-worker forcing himself onto me at a building site. I can't go into depth about them all, I just can't.

Just a rape…

"Just" the feeling of not being in control of your own body and your own decisions. "Just" being robbed off your dignity and self-worth. "Just" having someone intrude into your private zone, tear your clothes off and claim your body against your will. "Just" feeling how your life force leave you as you realize that fighting against it won't help you, and you silently give up and just lay down waiting for it all to be over. "Just" spending hours in the shower, scrubbing your skin until you bleed because you can't wash the filth away and you keep feeling dirty no matter how much you clean yourself. "Just" waking up at night, after having relived the scene again in a nightmare. "Just" looking over your shoulder wherever you walk because you heard something or thought you saw something or simply because someone is walking behind you. "Just" the fact that you'll never feel comfortable walking alone at night again or have someone walk behind you. "Just" never being able to relax because your body constantly think you're in grave danger. "Just" a rape…

That's such a neck-beard thing to say. Someone who clearly think of other people's bodies as property or things. Not taking into consideration that we are living, breathing individuals with feelings. And that having another person violate us isn't something we like or that we'll easily get over. We want to choose who we give ourselves to, nobody should be forced. We didn't ask to be raped. We didn't want it. We didn't like it.

Rape is trauma.

Yes, we should have chosen other characters for the story, but we did what we did, and it cannot be undone now. So, if the only thing I will be remembered for in the fandom is that ONE fic, instead of all my other content, that's what it will be. That's what people chose to. I'm moving on.

10. Being a nazi for being interested in WW2 history and for being Norwegian and having so-called nazi-letters in my last name (actual letters of the Norwegian alphabet).

*sigh*

This is something that could only happen in America, isn't it?

Some people don't bother educating themselves. The "nazi-letters" you guys are talking about is actually part of the Norwegian alphabet and has nothing to do with Nazism or white-supremacy to do at all. The Norwegian alphabet has 29 letters, the three extra is æ,ø,å or in capital letters: Æ,Ø,Å.

We can't help it if some morons over in the US abuse these letters as symbol of their twisted mindset.

Yes, my name contains one of those letters. It is my name… and I didn't choose it. It is a common Norwegian name.

As for me being a Nazi?

Those who knows me knows that I am as far from a Nazi as one can get. I despise Nazism with all my heart.

But the reason some people choose to believe so… was that some guy who has no hobbies or life went through every single fave I've made on DeviantArt since I joined the site in 2006, which is well over 20000 faves. And he found a few Nazi-characters from a web series I was following about ten years ago. I am very interested in history and especially WW2-history, so I found that particular web-series interesting and faved some artwork related to it. What this guy failed to notice is that I also faved the Allied characters… That's ALL there is to that story.

I has also faved a pic someone made of Joseph Goebbels (I think it was?) as a Pixar Car. That's not because I have any nazi-sympathies, but I simply found the concept of turning historical persons, both good and bad, into Cars as an interesting project. I would have faved any other historical Carsified person as well.

As for me being a Norwegian and have a natural pale complexion, that's not something I can help. That's nothing I choose. And it doesn't make me racist or Nazi. Period.

11. Putting a white-supremacist flag (the actual flag of Norway) on my porch on family birthdays and our national day.

Again. Get educated.

This flag… is the actual flag of my country. The Kingdom of Norway.

There is nothing Nazi about it. It is not a symbol of white-supremacy. IT IS THE FLAG OF NORWAY.

During WW2 it was even illegal, so people would paint it everywhere in a protest against the Nazi-occpation and the SS. We even decorated our Christmas trees with it, and that is a tradition that has followed us into the modern day.

Again, if some idiots in the US choose to use it as a symbol for their disgusting logic, it is not Norway or the Norwegians' fault.

12. Being a danger to my daughter.

I need people to elaborate here.

What exactly do you think I do to my daughter? What is the cause of your concern here?

The fact that I have made NSFW content? How is that harmful to her as long as I keep it away from her? You DO realize that even authors, pornstars and moviemakers have children and that they can be good parents, right?

Do you think I read pornographic content for her as bedtime stories? Or show her porn instead of kids TV? How sick are you guys, really…?

Some people even wanted CPS to take my child away from me… Have a look at these screenshots…

You want a happy, healthy, innocent child to be taken away from a stable, safe home with loving parents just because you don't like the content the mother made? You want her to be placed in foster care, where there is no guarantee that she will have a happy upbringing rather than have her stay with her parents who love her and care for her, for reasons she'll never understand and wasn't even aware of?

"Think of the children!" a lot of you say when it comes to my content. May I ask why this doesn't apply to my daughter?

Why do some of you go as far as to wishing her dead or wanting her to be removed from the home she feels safe and loved in? How is that thinking of the children?

As for the douchebag in that screenshot. You claim that if your mother did something like that you would want nothing to do with her… I have a question: Do you know EVERYTHING your mother do? Does she include you in each aspect of her life? Even her sexual life? No?

How do you know she doesn't do thing you don't approve of when you're not around? She could be a rabid pornmag reader for all you know. But stuff like that is something adults hide from their kids. So, you wouldn't know, unless you go snooping around in her business.

Everyone is entitled to privacy. What I and my husband do when our kid is not around is our business, not hers, and certainly not yours.

Porn and parenting are to be kept separate from each other. Period.

And we do.

There is absolutely no reason to be worried about my daughter. She is a happy, healthy child in a safe, stable home with family that loves her and cares for her. Not just me and my husband, but also grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.

If you want to remove her from that over a stupid fanfic behind a mature content wall, you're the deranged person, not me.

 This is all I have to say about all this and my time in the TTTE fandom. I have left by my own, free will. Yes, I am aware that many people don't want me there. That's fine. I don't want to be there.

I am a bit disappointed in those people who just blindly unfollowed me and unfriended me without any questions asked, just followed the leader. Big users tend to dictate who and what is worth following in that fandom. They will even protect real predators, but I'm not going to open that can of worms now. I'm done with the fandom.

Some of those people, I have been talking to regularly, even supported when they faced hardships in the fandom themselves. But when I got in trouble, they ditched me without a word…

If anything, this whole ordeal showed me who to trust and not, and who were true to their word when it came to how deep our friendship was. True friends at least give you the chance to explain before they drop you. I hold no ill feelings to those who did, at least they asked me before judging.

And those who still stayed with me, are the ones who truly know me and who I really am.

Some of the worst libels posted about me might be reported to the police, but I haven't made up my mind yet. I am not mentally strong at the moment, so I don't know if I have the strength to legally follow it all up. I will ask the cops at work for advice on the matter.

All I ask for now is some peace.

You don't have to like me. You don't have to follow me. You don't have to like my content. Feel free to invalidate me, I know a lot of you will.

But please, stop bullying me and my family.

Please stop sending me horrid messages and death threats.

Please stop doxxing me and calling me.

Please leave my family alone. If you don't care about me, at least care about them.

Please just ignore me. I have already left the fandom, there is no reason to keep hunting me.

I just want to move on and go on with my life and the content I am currently working on. After years in therapy, my life has gotten better, and I want to move on.

Please let me.

[katzirra]

Waiting for the place to give me my file list from my hand drive recovery. Made an omelet with asparagus and bacon, and gave the boys a tiny bit for being good this morning and letting me sleep in past 8:06...

Hannibal woke me up with very loudly aggressively loving face rubs which is new, and has been demanding attention all morning by soft paw grabbing and holding my hand while cooking, also new. Usually he's very independent and wants nothing to do with us.

Still concerned with his audible breathing when he's SLIGHTLY distressed, for a cat with obvious anxiety, and when he's picked up or sitting/laying weird. It's very noticeable, and I'm wondering if it has to do with his nasal bridge being a tad flat.

Trying to manifest a good mood. I'm having a big existential crisis about being alive.

Which, I'll just throw that under a cut and pair it with an apology. 🤙✨

I feel like I have no purpose or meaning. Having a lot of those "why bother/what's the point" moments about a lot of things which...the depth of those feelings isn't just apathetic like most people experience? For me it's very much a red flag, so that's been fun. Usually it's doing something as simple as doing something nice for myself, thinking why bother, and having to ARGUE with myself why it matters. Like...having to validate EVERYTHING I do these days is exhausting. Honestly, it's been a low simmer scary JUST KEEP SWIMMING the last few months. But everything I feel is too much to talk to anyone about, and it doesn't HELP me to. It's me. It's my brain. It's scary and I don't like looking the beast directly in the face when people want me to open up. My demon, my problem, trust me when I say I'm trying and that I'm sincere when I say sorry I'm not all here or present.

I'm, like torn between wanting to message my friend first to talk about shit, but I'm also refusing because I was hurt and the comment about shit being too much to read just resonates in my brain yelling "you're not worth their time and effort, you dumb bitch!" because my brain has a FIELD day with that shit. Its.... Kicking a dead horse, repeating myself anyway probably. It hasn't seemed to stick after the last year of me apologizing monthly because I'm just a shit friend who is too busy working and trying to not kill myself. Suicide ideation is a thing, and it SUCKS when it's as invasive as it is for intruding thoughts. But I'll keep apologizing because I feel guilty for not being good enough. Present enough. Engaging enough. Because maybe that time it'll stick??

They'll probably be better off without me making them feel bad because I don't put in enough effort I guess? Which also just hurts because I know online I'm standoffish these days, so I put the extra effort into being a good host I thought and I hoped that mattered. I just feel like no matter what I'm doomed to disappoint them? So I don't mean they'd be better off in a dismissive way, it's a legit...way I think. Like I'm obviously causing distress, and yelling at me won't fix it because it makes me recoil emotionally. So maybe I'm just a bad friend in reality and it is what it is. I'm sorry so many people have fucked me up about inter personal relationships?? I don't know what to do this time because that stupid fight cut me very deep in core values in myself.

It...Fucked me up. And whether that's important to them or not, or whether it has an repercussive weight, whatever. We've both been hurt by people, and been there as much as we'd let eachother. I've tried to be crazy supportive in the last bout of shit they went through. Because I love a bitch, and they matter immensely to me, and I know I suffered alone through a LOT of things like that and know it sucks. I offered my home, attention and time any time I could give it.. Being told i don't give as much as them set weird on my heart in light of that. It hurt.

Idk...And maybe I'm just some dramatic bitch or whatever I guess. Doesn't matter. I matter, my feelings matter. I'm mentally ill and I fucking bust my ass to deal with it, AND be a loving and supportive fixture in people's lives. I suck, sure. But I'm ALWAYS there for people.

I mention I'm depressed or angry at life, sure, but the layers of distress aren't...on display? It's my shit to deal with, if I bring it up, it's for benefit of people knowing why I'm withdrawn usually. I don't talk about myself much anymore because everything is too much and I just start venting. And people don't care that deeply about how fucked up my head is. Or I over share too much. Or yeah, it's a lot to read and I start babbling because the cork is off and I HURT inside just being alive anymore. I don't feel like I'm living my life for me these days. I don't feel alive. I feel stagnant. I'm biding time for SOMETHING to happen??

Yet I'm constantly apologizing to people for not being able to do basic shit, that I'm upfront about being difficult for some dumb reason. I'm always having to explain myself to people. I am in this bubble so often of feeling like I was made wrong, a mistake, missing something important.

Or that I'm a bad person. I'm too open, too closed, withdrawn, outgoing - I can never seem to get the ratio right. And its the kind of discussion I feel leans into self pity and attention grabbing but it's...something I internally struggle with every week and keep to myself.

Oh Kat, get a psychiatrist - I dont know that it would help, honestly. I know 90% of my thoughts and fears are irrational, and pointless. But I know they have valid backing in trauma that I have mostly dealt with, and am unlearning. But I also know I see through people, can identify those markers, and understand outcomes way too easy and that ALSO makes people mad. So. What the fuck is a shrink gonna do for me? My depression is a background white noise to this stuff, and it's honestly just bullshit I deal with. I'm not keen on medication, I'm sure it would help quiet my brain, but I've been dealing with this shit almost 20 years now, ita just the added drama and bullshit from people that exacerbates the emotional brain rash, for lack of a better phrasing. My issues are all behavioral and some depression and anxiety in the mix that I manage.

For all I'm told people understand ahit wrong with me, it sure is something I repeatedly get bitched at over, honestly. And I partially get it, I also find it frustrating. But I've been battling depression since I was 12/13 and learning to stop thinking certain things only since 21, and that's the harder part. I'm not the person people think I am, I wish I was anymore. That bitch died in 2011/2012. That fissure in my foundation fucked me UP. The shaking I had one or two years ago, didn't help.

To be transparently honest the whole shitstorm two weeks ago really hit some raw nerves I'm trying to deal with, and not doing well. Because the more times that nerve is hit the more I don't feel like a valuable person and that I'm wasting people's time. But the reason I'm yelled at is that I am a valuable person, and they want more of my time in a way?? I don't know what people want from me.

Waves hand dismissively - they're being sweethearts by the back door for now.

I'm in a weird place emotionally and mentally. I don't feel alive. I don't feel real. I don't feel valid or... I don't know. Nothing I say or so actually matters in my own life or experiences. I can be an amazing person with communication and intention but it doesn't matter if the other person doesn't care, it's like arguing online.

You can have a valid discussion and someone can just say "you're a fucking moron, I'm not listening to this" and you can't do anything.

I just wasted two hours organizing my thoughts qnd emotions into a post that I'll delete in a week. What a great use of my time. I'm juat exhausted.

I turn 31 tomorrow and is rather be dead lmao. I'm so tired of the weight of being alive and aware of the world and people around me. About being considerate and kind to everyone and it's never god damn enough. I bleed myself dry emotionally for everyone and run my mental battery into the ground qnd it's never enough. It's never going to BE enough. I don't want mental.break downs and emotional roller-coasters. I want friends that understand I'm scatterbrained and severely damaged and abused and I'm TRYING. I'm sorry it's never good enough.

I'm so fucking tired these days. I just want to disappear. I want to have an actual breakdown and cry

I haven't actually cried in years. I.... Mm. I feel like.im a shell. I'm so tired. I'm trying AO hard to be a good person and functional and I'm just constantly having more dished and I'm just...what is my purpose qnd point these days. I can't even make people happy.

Tomorrow I'll turn 31. It'll be like any other day. 👍✨

[pencilwritesshiz47]

An Apology in the Form of an Adventure

MGR Chapter Five

[Previous] [Next] [Masterpost]

TW: Arguing

Dame Lauren Baker stared at her screen, not listening as the broadcaster kept on talking. All she could think about were those words.

"Xan Ruz is no more."

What did that even mean? How could a country be “no more”? All she knew was that there was no way that could be a good thing. And her best friend was stuck there.

She wanted to panic. But she couldn't panic. Not in front of... her. She stared at the girl who had crashed on top of her only minutes ago. She was the reason Goldie was in this situation. She was the one who left her. She...

Lauren took a deep breath. Maybe Goldie was ok. She swiped out of the broadcast screen, and opened her phone app, quickly hitting Goldie's contact.

She put her phone up to her ear, her heart racing.

Briiiing.

Briiiing.

Briiiing.

Briiiing.

Briiiing.

"Heeeeey!"

Lauren gasped. "Goldie! Goldie, are—are you alright? I—"

"You've reached Goldie Potter, and I'm not at the phone right now, sorry 'bout that. Anywaaaays, I'll call ya back when I can! Byeeeeeeeeee—"

She hung up. She tried to convince herself that Goldie's phone was just dead, but her mind kept jumping to other thoughts...

"I'm sorry."

Lauren looked over at the girl, her words breaking off her internal ranting.

"You should be."

The girl sighed and looked at her feet. "I know. I screwed up. I should have brought her with me. But you have to understand, I really tried! Everything was so crazy, and I just— I-I'm just so sorry."

And then, in that moment, Lauren had a choice. Forgive her, or not.

Almost subconsciously, she chose "not". The raging part of her took over, sending the rational part back. She started yelling again, but she wasn't even sure what she was saying until she found herself ranting about the girl helping them rescue Goldie.

She looked at the girl, her face full of fear. The girl shakily took a piece of paper and a pen out of her pocket, scribbled something on it, and handed it to her, mumbling, "My contact information." Then she walked off.

Lauren just stood there. She wasn't sure what to think, or what to feel. She looked at the paper in her hands. It was pink, with little flowers around the edges. Written on it in some of the fanciest writing she'd ever seen, were the words, "Lady Elisabeth Melly," and then an address and a phone number. She shoved it into her pocket but she didn't leave. She just stood there.

She wasn't sure how long it had been since the girl—Lady Elisabeth—had left, but when she heard footsteps the sky was a shade of purple so dark it ought to be black.

"Hey," a gentle called out. "It's late."

"She's still in Xan Ruz," Lauren responded, almost robotically.

"What?"

"Goldie. She's still in Xan Ruz. A-and I called her, and she didn't answer. And I think someone's going to help us find her in three days if she doesn't come back but I don't even know—"

The person had come around to her by now, and she just sank into their arms, soon realizing that it was her friend, Marigold. She looked up at her, her eyes filled with tears. "M, I don't know what to do and I'm-I'm scared."

"Let's go home," she whispered, and slowly, they stared to walk back to the JKA.

✧✧✧

"You double-checked the checklist, right? We do have everything?" The knight asked.

"For the last time, yes." The healer said, a bit exasperated although she still had a small smile on her face.

"Are you sure you're not lying to me?"

"Would I lie to you about a checklist?"

Lauren sighed. "I sure hope not."

Three days had passed since her encounter with the noblewoman. And since Goldie hadn't returned, they were heading out for Xan Ruz.

Unfortunately, the JKA leader Dame Alice, wasn't completely thrilled with a sector leader and a healer to go wandering off on an international rescue adventure, so the two had to sneak out.

"Ok, now when did Di say she'd be closing the portal?" Lauren asked, not wanting to be late.

"Uh, I think it was the 23rd hour? And it's the 22nd hour right now, so we're good." Marigold replied.

Lauren nodded, and peaked out her bedroom door. Thankfully, there was no one there, and she motioned to Marigold to follow her.

They tip-toed through from one end of the hallway to the other, stopping when they reached door 3. The brunette knocked on the door softly, and the blue-haired girl answered, yawning slightly. "Thank the gods you're here, this portal is a bit harder to keep open then I thought."

Lauren knit her brows. "But isn't the location pretty close to here?"

Di sighed. "Yeah, it does seem to be, but for some reason it's just... tiring. That could be from the strain leftover from opening that Xan Ruz portal, but something is still off..."

Lauren frowned. "Well, we'll look into that when we get back. But thank you for opening this."

Di smiled. "No prob boss," and the two stepped through the portal.

✧✧✧

"We're outside the palace," the sprite remarked, staring at the building looming just yards away from them.

Lauren stared at it. It was quite huge, with many towers and high walls. The dark gray brick and numerous Calinas flags gave it a sense of majesty and elegance, but in the dark it felt frightening as well.

But Lauren wasn't paying attention to it, instead, she was trying to find the river where, according to Marigold, Lady Elisabeth had arranged a boat to be placed.

It took her a second, but she quickly found the brown wooden rowboat. It was modest, but it would work. She quickly dragged Marigold over to it, and climbed in.

She took a moment to take it all in—the feeling of the rough wood beneath her, the smell of the cool night air, and the gentle sounds of the river flowing. But it didn't last long—she had other things to attend to.

She opened her phone, as there wasn't enough light for her to see her watch. In bright white letters behind her lockscreen (A selfie of her, Goldie, and Marigold taken just a few months after she joined the JKA) was the time—22:19. She sighed. They had made it on time.

Marigold went over to the side of the boat, and quickly climbed in, splashing both of them. Lauren giggled, leaned over to the side of the boat, and cupped up some water in her hands. Then, quick as an arrow, she threw it at Marigold's back. The sprite turned around, her face in an expression of mock anger. She gasped, and took a bit of water in her hands, gently spraying Lauren with it.

They went on like this for a few minutes, although Marigold was far more wet than Lauren. When they were finally finished with their splash-fest, Lauren checked her phone's time again, frowning.

"What's wrong?" Marigold asked, concern lacing her voice.

Lauren showed the healer her phone, the time reading 22:24—Elisabeth was four minutes late.

"Oh," Marigold said, frowning slightly. "Don't worry, she'll be here soon."

Lauren sighed, but nodded. Not knowing what else to do, she looked up at the stars, smiling.

The stars had always fascinated Lauren. They were dots of mystery lining the sky, and she loved to find constellations and see if she could guess where the moons that weren't visible this time of month were.

At about 22:29, Marigold went out to see if she could spot Elisabeth, and it took another two minutes until she finally showed up.

Lauren rolled her sapphire-colored eyes. "You're late."

Elisabeth scowled. "For your information, it wasn't exactly easy getting out of the meeting. Although I doubt you'd understand that, as I assume that you got out without any trouble."

Lauren huffed. "Well, you know what happens when you assume, because it was actually quite a bit of a challenge getting out."

Elisabeth said nothing, and simply climbed into the boat.

Lauren looked up at Marigold, who seemed to be staring across the river. "M." No response. "M!" The sprite stayed silent. "M!!" That seemed to shock her out of whatever funk she was in, as she quickly climbed into the boat once again.

"You good?" Lauren asked.

"Yeah. I was just... thinking."

"Ok..." Lauren said. She quickly pulled out her sword, and cut the rope attaching them to the shore, and they started moving.

"We're coming for you, Goldie," she murmured as the current sailed them away. 

Eyyy finally got the chapter out!! yayyy!!

Anyways, please let me know:

If you want to be added or removed from the taglist

If I’ve made any spelling mistakes

If I’ve made any grammar errors

Your general feedback

Your questions

If I should add any other trigger warnings.

also, please remember, reblogs are free, and if you don’t like it you can always delete the post later. it’d be a big help for my account, and thank you

Taglist: @xonar-verse

@dorkdukess

@dirty-racoon

[finewalls]

#showyourprocess

From planning to posting, share your process for making creative content!

To continue supporting content makers, this tag game is meant to show the entire process of making creative content: this can be for any creation.

RULES - When your work is tagged, show the process of its creation from planning to posting, then tag up to 5 people with a specific link to one of their creative works you’d like to see the process of. Use the tag #showyourprocess so we can find yours.

I am lowkey late but I finally have proper time to do this fun thing! Thank you  @tomthenetherlands for tagging me (check her process here). I was asked to explain my process of making this lyric animation so here we go

[disclaimer: I’ve deleted everything but the final product from my computer so I’ll mostly explain with text only]

1. PLANNING: Okay first I got this request on my ask box bc I was lowkey doing a series, so I knew the style I was gonna go with: simplistic animation. That’s pretty much all the plan was fhgsdjkfhksda

2. BASEWORK: Now first thing I did is choose the best lyrics for the edit and started searching for videos best fit to use as the base for the edit. Immediately knew to use a clip from the movie 1917 because of the burning city scene, for the first lyric. Then a clip from walls as I wanted to insert Louis into it and went through some true blood ship videos to find a good one of two guys kissing dfhgsdjfsk and for the last one I originally wanted a wedding scene but the one I tried to use was way too difficult to work with it so I used another part from the same video as base. Now that I got my videos I open up photoshop and get working

3. PHOTOSHOP: Starting with GIF number 1

Just like with every GIF I import the video and choose the frames I want yada yada. Now first before I start the ‘animation’ process I sharpen the GIF once and then I over colour the whole thing. Like over saturated and massive contrast so it’s easier to work with. Also in this case made everything super warm like yellow and orange all over. Then comes the fun part! I started painting each frame making sure it’s not too flashy and clear enough so you recognise what’s happening. Since this was the first of the edit I chose a simple colour palette I could use in the other GIFs as well. Ones I was happy with the frames I resize the canvas to 600x400px and compressed the GIF once and then open it again, added the lyrics on top and standard GIF making again. 

GIF number 2! This one took me about 3 times until I got it right. I did so much recolouring I almost gave up hdgjkaslga

But just like the first one, colouring, sharping etc. and then again one frame at a time painting the scene and making sure you see human shapes. As you can still see the right side of the gif is a mess bc why did't I just paint it all black idk. But with this I recoloured it again after painting bc I wasn’t happy with the shades, and then again and again bc fun. But yeah, resize, compress, add text, tha-da

GIF number 3, my fave

Okay with this one I cheated a little to get it done quickly. So otherwise same as the others, but instead of going frame by frame to paint, I just put all the frames through a filter at once to get the result. Which is why it’s the smoothest of them all too tbh. But just had to fix the colours with colouring tools but rest is standard GIF making.

GIF number 4, the one that I hated the most

Now see like I said, i had a different idea for this at first, but bc it didn’t work I decided to try this part of the same video (a married couple walking with their wedding party) First I turned everything black and white bc I figured this will be like minimalist (and easier to work with). Now I wanted to get rid of the other people so i basically painted all black and then went frame by frame getting the two people walking. Had to add the shadow of them as it looked painfully stickfigure-y without it djsakdgdfsh. Once I was happy with the animation I slapped on a pride flag bc I wanted it gay u know.. But to match with the rest of the GIFs I multiplied it and warmed up the colours a bit. Then again, compress, add text, standard.

ADDING IT TOGETHER READY FOR POSTING: Then I made sure all the edits match or like look nice together and the text was in the same level and such nice things and made sure I got them all in right size (in these I did 600x400px normally I go with 530px width) then it’s time to open tumblr.com

POSTING: Like with other edits I did for this ‘’series’’ I chose more lyrics from the song and added them as caption along with who requested it and saying do request more (still taking in requests btw even tho i didn’t get into the animation school)

I used the HTML to get the colours I used in the edit into the caption as well (used this when I first learned how to do that) 

now with tags I like to be talkative

I have the standard blogs I tag and bc it was Louis’ lyrics I tagged dt and I always use ‘[insert initials] edit’ for everything for my own navigation. And then I obviously make my own comments, which in this one are 100% accurate and I stand by them. I peaked here. 

ALL DONE: then I sit back and wait for the notes to roll in :) hjfgsdjkf

That is all thank you for reading if you did! I would like to see the process from

@curlyhairedprince for these motherfucking edits

@ltpolari for this edit bc colouring icon

@thesemptysounds for this incredible edit bc it’s my favorite thing ever and now on my wall forever thank you

@queersue for this edit (and many others posts alike) bc colouring legend

and finally @tomlinsun​ for this lil drawing which is also on my wall bc i love it so much!!

As always feel free to not reveal your process:

Thank you for coming to my ted talk I’ll see ya later.

[furvios]

Always Here For You

Pairing: Leviathan X MC

Summary: Leviathan gets a call from MC, it sounded urgent. The demon who has a pact with the human gets summoned immediately in the human world. But it wasn't as it seemed. Its been over a year since your return to the human world. You've gotten a part time job, have an apartment of your own, and.. a boyfriend. You've talked about your significant other to the brothers a handful of times so they're well aware of who he is and how special he means to you. Leviathan though, Avatar of Envy, has held grudges against him but chooses to be quiet about it for the sake of your happiness.

Leviathan sat inside his room playing games as usual. He leaned left and right as he played a racing game, bumping into cars and making them crash and spin upside down. "And... FINISHED!" He yelled with the biggest smile on his face. Belphegor sighed, "you're over exaggerating again." He said as he shook his head, putting the controller in his hands down.

"Pfft, you're just jealous that I keep winning." Leviathan proceeded to do his signature victory dance, even though he was terrible at dancing. Belphegor's phone dings, he takes it out of his pocket and checks the notification.

"Huh, seems like MC is enjoying themselves once again." Belphegor smiled at his phone. Leviathan hears your name and automatically makes his way to his younger brother's phone to see what you were up to.

"Why do you have Instagram? Isn't it forbidden here?" Leviathan asked. Belphegor rolled his eyes before letting out a small laugh, "do you really think I ever followed what was forbidden and what was not?" Leviathan just nodded and proceeded to look at his phone.

It was an Instagram story. You took a photo of a man sitting across you in a cafe with the puppy eye emoji and hearts. 2 minutes ago.

"You have turned on notification for MC?" He asked. Belphegor nodded with a raised brow, "it's really the only time I hear from them apart from messages and occasional calls, but that hasn't happened in a while since she does have-" Leviathan cuts his brother off with a sigh, dropping himself on the couch beside him.

"MC has been calling to you the most though. Everyone is jealous. Especially Mammon." He said. Leviathan shook his head, "at least you all knew about their boyfriend. MC hasn't told me about it until a month passed of them telling you guys."

"Because MC knows for a fact that you'd kill any person that involved themselves in their life that's not us or you." Leviathan stayed silent, trying to think of a way to debunk Belphegor's words but ended up failing. He noticed the expression in his older brother's face and just patted his back, "MC knows you. A little too well if you ask me."

"They haven't even messaged me in almost 2 weeks. Barely responds to me chats too. You know how sad it is to grind on games when I'm playing all alone and no one to talk to?"

"That's when you're wrong. You've used to love doing that. All that. You used to treasure being alone, playing alone, grinding on games alone, even talking to yourself, but ever since MC came into picture you've wanted nothing but someone to play with. That includes me right now."

"That's not true." Belphegor rolled his eyes, "don't pull a Mammon on me. I know you too, don't forget that. What did you think about when MC told you about their new boyfriend?"

"Wait there was an old one?" Leviathan raised his brows and looked at his brother. "Tell me."

The 3rd oldest just sighed, folding his arms and looked away like some sulking child that didn't get what they want. "I.. wanted him to die."

"Did you tell MC that?" He slowly shook his head in denial, "of course not. That would crush them and I don't want that. I don't want to hurt or see them hurt in any way. If that guy pulls anything.." Belphegor looked down and saw that Leviathan's fists were clenched tightly to the point his knuckles were turning slightly purple.

"You just wanna protect MC. I get it, we all do." Leviathan shook his head, "it's not just that.. it's also because.." his face was getting red a little bit, ashamed of what he was going to say. Belphegor snickered, "you want to be her boyfriend." He pointed.

Leviathan immediately stood up, "no, no, no, no, no. Impossible. No, nope, nopitty, nope. You're wrong." Belphegor rolled his eyes and was about to add something but was being pushed out by the Avatar of Envy. "Bye, it's time for you to go." He said as he pushed his younger brother out his room.

"But-" he slammed the door shut and rested his forehead against it. His knuckles clenched and his head looking down, he heaved a breath, "I just want MC to date someone that makes them happy. Someone they deserve.."

"They're special."

-

It was already about to be 4am and Leviathan still can't sleep. He can't blame his horrible sleeping schedule, he's not used to sleeping this early. He buried his head in a pillow and groaned loudly, trying to sleep his thoughts away.

"Maybe I should send a message. No, I can't and I won't. They have a boyfriend now and I can't go between that. MC's life is not to be controlled by me, yes. That's right." He thought to himself.

His phone rings and he gets startled by it. "What does Belphie want now." He sighed and reached for his phone. His eyes widened, body shaking when he saw your name on his notification.

MC - hey umm can we talk? I have a question to ask.. (sent 10 secs ago)

In a heartbeat, the demon responds immediately.

"Sure, but you haven't messaged me in 2 weeks!!!!" He looked at the message and deleted it.

Levi - what do you need?

Without any response, the otaku started glowing. "What the-" everything flashed the color white and next thing he knew he wasn't on his bed anymore. He was at a different place.

"What the fuck?!?!" He exclaimed. Confused, Leviathan looked around and that place didn't seem near familiar to him. He looked around the room he was in, examining the room. "Levi?" A voice called.

Leviathan knew that voice. He immediately went to where the voice was coming from and saw you on a bed with tears running down your eyes. He immediately ran to you, hands on your shoulders. "MC???? WHAT HAPPENED? WHO HURT YOU? WHERE ARE THEY??" His eyes were visibly glowing orange with rage, glaring.

"Levi.. I-" you choked on your words and started to sob. The boy wasn't experienced with these type of things but he watched enough shows to know what to do. "MC.. you can tell me anything, you know that." His hands still on your shoulders, he moves the other one on your cheek and wiped your tears off.

You looked back at him and that seemed to wake him up. He removes his hands from you as his face gets red. Leviathan suddenly keeps his distance, "right.. I forgot." He cleared his throat and looked away.

"That won't happen again, I'm sorry." He apologized but avoided looking at you. "Levi, it's fine-" he cuts you off, "it's not. You have a boyfriend. And if someone were to do that to my significant other I'd.." he stopped himself and just sat down on the corner of your bed.

"You mean... ex-boyfriend.." you said weakily. His eyes widened completely, jaw dropped. "He's the one that hurt you???? Oh boy I'm going to enjoy this-" you grab onto his arm when he was about to get up. "I just need you with me right now.."

Leviathan looked at your hand that was restraining him from doing anything to your boyfriend. Then he looked at you and looked into your eyes, it hurt him to see you this way. He sits back down but this time closer to you.

"What did he do?" He asked. You were seated cross legged, wiping your tears off with the box of tissues on your bed side table.

"We've been dating for around 6 months. He's perfect or at least I thought he was.. maybe this is what the relationship we had really was. It was all in my head and I was too fucking blind to see any of the red flags."

Leviathan was still confused, but he continued to listen. "I trusted him so so much. But later found out he's been seeing other girls behind my back. Even when he started dating."

"MC, I-" you suddenly grab him by his collar and pushed him back and forth, "I WANT HIM GONE, LEVI. THAT'S WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO." You yelled your lungs out. Leviathan was taken aback. He has never seen you this broken.

"DO YOU HEAR ME, LEVIATHAN? I WANT YOU TO MAKE HIM DISAPPEAR. HIM GONE. ANYTHING. I WANT HIM GONE." You kept pulling and pushing Leviathan. His heart ached seeing you like this. He grabbed onto your hands and held them, "MC, I can't do that."

"Levi, please. I can't do this anymore. Was I not good enough for him?" You let go of him as tears rolled down your face once again. "I can't anymore. I can't.. live anymore."

Leviathan pulled you into a tight hug, "don't say that you idiot. He's not good enough for you. No one is. Please don't think so negatively." He said and stroked the back of your head lightly, comforting you.

"He deserves way more than that. I'll protect you, okay? If he hurts or if anyone hurts you again, I'll make sure they get what they deserve." You both let go of each other.

"Thank you so much, Levi. Sorry for involving you with my mess." You wiped the tears off of your eyes and sniffled. "Any time. I'll always be here for you."

"Hey Levi," he raised a brow and looked at you. "What did you mean when you said.. you said that no one deserves me."

"I- uh.." he looked at you and you had this look on your face that he could never say no or lie to.

"MC, you're very special. Unlike all these normies, disgusting normies, you're.. different. You're kind, caring, very thoughtful, and just.. a great person." His face reddened even more when you didn't say anything.

"Was that too much? I'm sorry I should probably-" he was about to stand up and leave but you grabbed his wrist and pulled him towards you, kissing him on his lips.

"MC.." you too were embarrassed, "I just thought.. I would do that." You gave him a smile, trying to hide your red cheeks as well. Leviathan cupped your cheek and pulled you closer to him, kissing you.

Note: was too lazy to check for typos if there are any I am so sorry

[carbootsoul]

some of my favorite sdv mods for @airshipvalentine​! thank you for giving me an excuse to make this i love modding. it’s just like fanfiction- someone doing something for free to enhance someone’s experience of a game or story and i LOVE that. i’m making this a post because sending links through an ask sounds like a Bad Choice. anyway!! you use these with smapi- step by step explanation of how to install it here (the guide is for windows but they have links to the guides for mac and stuff). you also need content patcher for... uhh all of these i think. content patcher just replaces the images for specific games which makes it so that you don’t have to risk breaking your game or anything. i’m going to put this under a cut because even tho i don’t think it’ll get too long i don’t want to risk clogging up ppls dashes.

-lumberjack/lesbo/butch leah: obsessed with this mod. genuinely my favorite thing and YES it’s because i’m gnc and have a huge thing for butch artists. but also look at how cute she is :) it also makes [SPOILERS FOR LEAH’S PLOT LINE] the boyfriend she mentions later in the game a girlfriend, which was a touch i appreciated. and also flannels.

-maru with twists: by the same modder who made the butch leah mod. i... love maru a lot and i think she deserves a button up. that’s all i really have to say.

-chubby haley, emily edit and fat abiagil: all by the same modder! i never really interact with any of them.. abigail sometimes because i like her and also i always want to become friends with her and sam and sebastian. but like these portraits are so CUTE??? look at them. incredible. i am.... gay.

-sambastian mod: they GAY. as u can tell i chose almost all my mods on the basis on my queerness. this one is rly sweet and i haven’t gotten through more than a few events but i think what it basically does is take the romantic events between the farmer and either sam or sebastian and just kinda.. sub them in. i really like it honestly!! i just want queer rep in this game. all the characters r like... schrodinger gays. 

-diverse stardew valley!!: this mod is the SHIT it’s incredible. i’m not playing with it right now because i accidentally deleted it and haven’t gotten to re-configuring it yet but oh my god!! it basically just makes it so there’s less “everyone is white” in the game and i’m obsessed with their sebastian with the purple hair? and vincent? and native marnie is so pretty!! and they have disabled willy and kent and i just love it. butch leah and maru with twists are also part of this mod- it’s a collab between a bunch of modders so they have options for each character. ALSO all the characters have seasonal outfits and all the bachelor/ettes have custom wedding outfits and i... leah’s suit...

-dialogue expansion: i honestly never play without this because their dialogue does get boring after a few weeks.. it’s a classic mod.

-lookup anything: very helpful but it does feel a little like cheating. but also i’m going to just look stuff up on the wiki. this just saves some time.

-happy birthday: lets you have a birthday too!! i think this is really cute and i want presents..

-finally a few that just make some things cuter: terracotta garden pots, nady’s beehouses, cluttered calendar, spouse rooms redone, glass milk bottles, less ugly pigs because I LOVE PIGS but i don’t love the ones in game. also pride flags! they replace the night market paintings so it takes a looong time to get the right one but i still think it deserves a mention. also also eemie’s bees lets u have bees buzzing around your beehouse!! and they’re ADORABLE.

haha sorry this is a Lot i just love making posts like these because i feel very strongly about like.. everything i do especially stuff like this. i like making things my own and if that means redoing the game until everything is exactly how i want it then i’ll do that. some of the links might go to the wrong mods because i’m bad at actually cutting and paste the right things but you can probably just search them up in nexus mods!! xoxo

[cubeswhump]

Defy Fate; Reanimate, part 3: The Quietest Sound

I felt really uncomfortable and lonely while writing this.

Tagging @brutal-nemesis @more-miserables

Warning for blood, brief surgery, narration that reminds me a lot of depression moods.

"Good morning, Deary," Lorelai whispered, petting along his coarse dreadlocks. No movement, no change in his steady breathing.

"Can you hear me, Dearil?"

Empty bedpan. Administer vitamins.

"When you wake up, I'll be here. We're gonna be okay."

She returned when she was dressed in her scrubs, hair tied back. She stroked the back of right his hand with her thumb, the other in a sling. She carefully avoided the row of staples to kiss his forehead. She switched on the baby monitor before she left.

Do ICU nurses get this lonely when they tend to comatose patients? Brushing his teeth, washing him with a sponge, doing anything -- he was completely unresponsive.

Everybody talked and they never stopped. Viktor's replacement was unbearably chatty. Her supervisor complained about his absense. Classmates wanted to compare notes.

Class went terribly. She hardly paid attention to the lecture and kept going over the pathetic answer she'd written down: Patient has sciatic neuritis.

That was so obvious, surely the instructor wanted her to elaborate. Causes. Treatments. Lifestyle changes.

She was such a fucking failure. She wanted to just sit on her car with her head in her hands, but she had to check her messages.

Her nextdoor neighbor was holding onto a package. Perfect, the G-tube. Now Dearil could eat properly. Did she have time to pick it up. Go home, and insert it? No way, she had work in an hour and a half, and to drive to the beach house and back was two hours.

Baby monitor was silent as ever, just the beeping that told her he was alive.

A private message from Magickal_Shells asking aboyt her progress. Ugh, why did she make that post in the first place? She was considering deleting her account, but paused.

She sent aessage back: Prove you're not a fed.

She picked up the package and thanked Mrs. Jeffreys. "I've been staying wuth my boyfriend, he's going on and on about getting a house together."

The old woman rolled her eyes, laughing. "Men always want to go too fast. You be careful with that one."

Lorelai checked her phone as she got back in the car. Another message from Magickal_Shells. A picture of a driver's license with a tiny UK flag, no information blurred. Was this girl serious?

Lorelai was momentarily intrigued by how subtle and plain the card was compared to her flashy United States one, but she turned her attention to the details. Why was the information numbered?

Morgan, Shelley Patricia.

18.1.20XX. January 18, or 18 of January. Nineteen years old.

Lincolnshire, England.

Organ donor.

Lorelai plugged the name into a background check website. She didn't check the cost before entering her bank account details to pay.

Sparkly clean record. Popular in green witch communities. Student at some low-ranking university. Currently worked as a cashier at Aldi's and volunteered at a homeless shelter.

Lorelai never trusted a goodie-two-shoes.

She sent a quick message: Skype call on Saturday?

The response was a happy emoji. Lorelai sighed.

What time works for you? she asked, already regretting this.

I can chat after work. 2PM?

Lorelai checked the time conversion and cringed. She was not talking to some overly enthusiastic stranger first thing in the morning.

They worked out a better time, 12 PM Eastern standard, 5PM British standard.

Another message from Shelley: I can't wait XX

Lorelai cringed and exited the forum.

Work came at last. She was almost relieved to work among the bodies with Chatty Cathy (or was her name Amy?), but she stopped at the entrance to the morgue, her breath catching.

On the door was the biggest black moth she had ever seen. Or was that a butterfly? She took out her phone but before she could pull the camera up, it flew at her face. She swallowed a scre as she batted at the stupid insect.

A black butterfly means death, change, or misfortune. Rarely has positive connotations. A black moth is said to be the soul of a loved one saying goodbye.

She checked the baby monitor right there in the hallway, and the steady beeping allowed her to breathe.

She didn't have time to stand there any longer abd look up visual differences between butterflies and moths. Either way, right now she really hated lepidoptera.

A couple hours with Chatty Whatever. An hour drive home lengthened by traffic.

It was so cold by the water as Lorelai got out of her car. She was glad she'd bundled Dearil up nice and warm before she left.

"Deary, I'm hone," she called, shutting the door softly behind her. No response, never a response.

She pureed fruits, vegetables, and protein powder with the food processor under the counter. Dearil would hate if she put any meat in there. She set the sludge aside and went to tend to Dearil. Change bedpan, change into clean gloves, ice and benzocaine a few inches left of the sutured Y-incision.

It felt so wrong slicing into him now that his skin was warm and his chest rose and fell, but he needed to eat. Blood poured around the newest incision. Dearil took a sharp breath and Lorelai gasped.

She wanted to be gentle, but she alsp wanted this over with as soon as possible. It was harder to dorce the bulbous end of the G-tube into the incision than she expected, and she stood for a full minute after watching him for signs of shock.

She was being ridiculous. It would take more than an inch-long incision and a bit of plastic in his stomach to kill him after everything.

She filled the feeding bag eith the vegetable puree and hung it from the hook she'd installed on the wall.

"There," she murmured after what felt like the longest silence. "You must be hungry."

She paused, looking him over. The bandaging holding his jaw shut, the discolored pstches of skin held with threading and staples, the eyes taped shut, a white arm in a sling, the IV in one hand, and now a G-tube.

But he was still Dearil, and one day he'd thank her. Just not today.

[amarauder]

Chapter Three - Percy Jackson x Reader

| percy’s adventure to the top of the world 

- 

a/n; sorry about this chapter being so late! The entire book is basically published on my wattpad account if you want to check that out. Thank you so much for the feedback though! I am pleasantly suprised! 

- 

It just hits noon on Sunday when Percy gets the text.

It's still the same exact name that she entered in sophomore year, still a plaintive "Y/N L/N" with the tiny description under it that's originally used for company names written as Chemistry Class. Percy narrows his eyes and checks the number in his contacts just to make sure Luke hasn't changed his name to mess with him, and eventually accepts the fact that Y/N's texted him, for whatever reason.

" Hi," it says. That's it.

Percy pushes his phone aside and keeps up his attempts at finishing his essay. English 4 is supposed to be easy, he complains mentally. At this rate, he won't graduate.

Despite his extremely studious research (in which he was both reading Wikipedia articles and playing Solitaire, that is), he still has no clue why Mark Twain was so important as far as literature goes. He does, however, come to the conclusion that he'll never be good at Solitaire.

Percy selects a sentence from the Wikipedia article and pastes it directly into his essay. He modifies it, putting the end of the sentence at the beginning, and exchanges the words "light and humorous" to say "light-hearted." A true genius, he is.

Before he can decide where to go from there, Percy glances over to his phone, biting down on his bottom lip. It's not that he doesn't want to talk to Y/N—since Friday, he's kind of wanted to talk to her non-stop—but he didn't expect her to text first. It admittedly throws him off.

What would Mark Twain do? Percy thinks idly, staring at the guy's name where it sits, bolded, at the top of his paper. For one, Mark Twain wasn't ever introduced to cellphones, so he probably wouldn't even know how to reply to the text, even if he wanted to. And, for two, Mark Twain doesn't really seem like the kind of man who would talk to the girl he likes over text. Percy gets the vibe that he's a really old-fashioned, straightforward type of guy.

Leaning back in his desk chair to stretch, Percy groans. Thinking about Mark Twain probably won't get him through this one.

He replies with a "Hey there," momentarily panicking at how flirtatious it sounds. He tries to cover it up with a "Y/N, right?"

It apparently works, since she sends back a "Yeah, it is. I didn't know if you had my number anymore."

"Wouldn't have deleted it," Percy types immediately. He's hovering over the blue button, considering going with something else—less heartfelt, maybe—to respond with, but instead he accidentally hits send. Wonderful. Out of curiosity, he scrolls up past the texts they're exchanging now and reads through the ones they sent before. He hardly remembers the near two-year old conversations, mostly homework questions or him wondering if there's a test the next day, but there's a few that are just... nice, for lack of a better word. Caring little how are yous from him and some remember to bring your book to classes from her. Percy wishes he could remember why he didn't try to get in touch with her that summer, and now he feels sorry that he didn't—after all, he could have been someone to talk to when she was going through a mess with her parents.

He wants to apologize for it, suddenly, but he figures Y/N would either shrug it off or tell him ten times over that it isn't his fault. He doesn't bother.

"That's comforting." Percy blinks at Y/N's reply, but she doesn't give him a chance to reply before another text comes through. "Are you busy?"

He smiles a little at his phone. Sure, he totally has this essay due tomorrow that'll take him a few hours at the very least, but Y/N's far more interesting and appealing than Mark Twain's influence on literature. not at all, he sends.

"I could use a little help with economics, if you're up for it..."

Economics is by far Percy's easiest class this year, but he doubts he's better at it than Y/N. He doesn't mention that.

"Sure," he replies. "but you're gonna have to tell me everything you know about Mark Twain."

She sends two question marks back, but tacks on a Deal a second later.

"where at?" Percy asks, holding his phone about an inch away from his face. It's likely that he's one of the more pathetic people in this world.

"Yours? I can't say that my house is the most welcoming of places for guests," Y/N says, and Percy frowns a little at that. He doesn't waste any time before sending her his address and telling her to come over whenever she feels like it. He doesn't really say it, but it's an invitation for any day—not just a Sunday where they both have homework to get done.

She gives him an estimated arrival time anyways, so Percy spends his remaining moments wisely by hopping in the shower and letting his mom know that he's having a friend over. She's cooped up in her small little cranny of an office, feet tucked beneath her as she types away on her laptop, glasses perched on the tip of her nose and a cooled cup of tea at her elbow. "Of course, that's fine Percy. You can have Luke over whenever, you know. No need to keep asking."

"It's—" Percy hesitates, leaning his temple on the door frame he's leaning against. "Um, not Luke this time."

That gets his mother's attention. She turns to him with a pleased smile. "Oh, what a surprise! I haven't seen Nico in ages, I should put some cookies in."

Percy chuckles, pushing his still-damp hair out of his eyes. "Not Nico, either. It's Y/N—remember, my chem partner? Came over once for our research paper?"

Sally gives him a maternal grin, lifting her eyebrows. "Oh, I always liked her." She redirects her gaze to her computer. "I had a feeling I wasn't the only one, either."

"Mom," Percy warns.

She holds her hands up, a clear white flag. "I'm not suggesting anything. Just your dear old Mom over here, typing up a novel."

"It'll be the best one yet," Percy says, since he knows Mom thrives under encouragement. "I have a feeling. It'll be the one."

"You think?" Sally asks, and she sounds excited, like she agrees. Percy nods with a grin. "Oh, that would be so great, I—" The doorbell dings throughout their home, and his mom's mouth snaps shut. "That would be for you, I'm guessing. Let me know if you need anything, sweetie."

"Thanks, Mom," Percy says, but he makes sure to shut her office door, partially to preserve his privacy, but mostly because he knows his mom needs isolation when she's in writing mode. He gets the door.

Y/N's dressed casually, which is something Percy hadn't even considered; he tossed on track pants out of habit. "Hey," he greets, after a sure but still moment of silence. "Come on in."

"Hi. Thanks."

Percy shrugs mutely, closing the door behind her. He can definitely, one hundred per cent, handle Y/N's presence for a few hours, especially after a good night of sleep and a day spent lazing around. "Thirsty?"

"Water would be great," she answers, and it's a little awkward for a few seconds while Percy leads them into the kitchen, rummaging through the cabinets for a cup. He usually drinks out of the old, stained plastic ones, but he thinks Y/N probably deserves better as a guest. Eventually, he spots a light blue glass from a dining set they had two houses ago. He pulls it down. "How's your weekend been? Well, since the fair, anyways."

Percy clears his throat, like it'll clear the weird tension in the air, too. "'S been nice. Wish the fair was here for longer, to be honest."

"There's always next year," she says optimistically. He passes off the glass of water, and as she takes it from him, Percy realizes that he didn't bother to ask if she wanted ice. He almost feels rude for a second, but Y/N takes a grateful sip and sends him a little smile, so he guesses that he did alright. "Anyways, economics."

"Right, economics." Percy shakes himself. He should focus on the actual intention of Y/N's visit, not whether or not she'll get huffy about a few ice cubes. "What chapter are you guys on?"

"We have the same teacher, I'm pretty sure—Mr. Manassa?" Percy nods. "My class just started the chapter on supply."

Percy mentally sighs in relief. Supply is something he understands, so he won't look like an idiot. He uses his right thumb to rub at the palm of his left hand, grimacing when he realizes his hands are clammy. "Yeah, same. We can—in the living room, if you want?"

"Fine by me," Y/N replies, and Percy swallows past the weird, sudden dryness in his throat. It's like he's never seen an attractive human before. Christ. "I started reading the chapter, but it just sounds like gibberish. I hate the way the book's written."

"Really?" Percy's actually read a bit of the chapters, since he didn't think the writing was too excruciating, but to each their own. "I don't know, I kind of like it."

"Good, then. Hopefully you can help me make sense of it." She sits on the couch beside him—not really close, but not really far either, and Percy feels himself settling in more, the jitters wearing off. He knows Y/N, is the thing, and it's not even the first time she's sat on his couch while they do school work together. She puts her backpack on the floor and digs out her green economics book, the same one Percy has stuffed underneath his bed. "Have you done the chapter work?"

"What?"

"The chapter work," Y/N repeats, and if Percy didn't know her, he probably wouldn't have noticed how amused she was at his lack of attention. "The work that's due tomorrow."

"Oh, yeah, that," Percy mumbles. Truth be told, he hasn't been doing much at all besides binge-watching old H2O (I had too) episodes on Netflix and playing games on his phone—well, that and a bit of Mark Twain research this morning. "I started it."

"I'm sure," she says, and her tone's some brand of teasing. She peers around, like she's looking for something in particular. "You can go get your backpack, you know."

"I know," Percy replies quickly, sounding a lot more annoyed than he really is. "I was getting there."

Y/N laughs. Percy stands up before he makes the mistake of staring.

He returns with his laptop tucked under his arm, Mark Twain paper still up and sharing the screen with his game of Solitaire. Y/N looks like she might have a laugh at his expense when she sees it, but instead she says, "Explain the difference between supply and quantity supplied to me, please."

And, honestly, Percy's never been in the business of rejecting polite people. He explains to her heart's content.

- 

tags; @ohmygoditsanthonyedwardstark​ and @25-and-a-half-bards

masterlist

[jwink-4life-blog]

My girlfriend posted this. Turns out I'm the asshole. lol. LMK if i am.

I am still with my girlfriend so please don't be mean to her. I did this to see if it would help me with my anxiety associated with the whole situation. Maybe it will help me move on. 

My girlfriend posted this. Turns out I'm the asshole. lol. LMK if i am.

"So my boyfriend recently decided that he was having issues trusting me for little things he would consider white lies. (i.e. things such as saying I could handle spicy food when it turned out i no longer could) so he wanted to go through my phone, which I obliged. He went in to my Snapchat account and asked who a particular person I was talking to was.

I told him the truth, that it was someone that I had met through tinder and had become friends with. This person was well aware I'm with my boyfriend and made no moves to try and flirt or insinuate he was hoping my bf and I broke up.

My bf went through the conversation and didn't see anything suspicious, his words, not mine. All there was were complaints of wanting to kms and stomach pain. However he still insisted that he couldn't trust me and has beliefs that I'm possibly cheating on him if he has no proof of such and I never did. I never met the person I was talking to IRL

Am I the Asshole?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Hey, her boyfriend here. I just thought I would fill in what is missing. At the time of her post, we had been dating since the summer of 2019 (8 months in total) but officially SO since late November (3 months). Still together!... maybe not after this. I address the extra information she added on the comments too.  

Organized in chronological order:

1. She mentions a guy, let us call him Jeff. She said that Jeff and she went to a movie together after we had gotten together; that is true. Expect she left out that when we were dating she went on a date with this guy. That was perfectly fine. At the time she was not my girlfriend. She had vented to me that the guy ditched her halfway through the date and began to cry about it. She vented how upset she was because she was looking forward to it. During the time she was venting, I listened and gave her friendly advice. I finally realized months later that I really liked this girl and wanted to be with her so I asked her to be my girlfriend and to my luck, she said yes. We discussed on the day we got together that we would not talk to ex's, flirt with other people, and get off of our dating apps. Even talk about not putting ourselves in a position where cheating could occur because of someone else making a move. However, not a month into our relationship and she goes to the movies with Jeff. On are seconded date we went to the cinema where we kissed and hugged during the movie and had sexual relations for the first time after the movie which is perfectly fine. She was single and she could do with her body as she pleased. But once she got in a relationship that should have changed. What am I supposed to think? She had dated the guy before, cried about him and were at a place where I know that they could be affectionate. She told me that she was going to the movies with him and I expressed that I was not OK with it. She still went. That was the first red flag. The reason why it was a big deal was that we had just talked about our relationship and the guidelines that we expect to follow.

2. After the time she went to the movie with "jeff" (not his real name). I started to get on tinder to look at her profile to see anything suspicious (She had lost my trust). I was looking for new changes to her bio and photos. Probably a day or two later I noticed her tinder profiles had disappeared from my matched list. I thought that maybe she had blocked me so I could not see changes. Second red flag.

3. I talked to my support system such as a friend, and family they agreed that it is something worth bringing up.

4. I confront her about everything so far.  

She explained that her father had prank called her using an automatic voice recording that called about a tinder date. She said she got scared because she didn't understand how they got her number and deleted the profile. So I asked her for her phone. She gave it to me but before she did she entered Kik and swipe the start page to the left and press some things. At the time I had no idea what was Kik so I just asked her what it was and she said it's an internet browsing app. She failed to mention that it was a messaging app too. I exited out of Kik and went in to tinder and we tried to sign in. There was no profile connected to her number so I left it as she was saying the truth.

When I brought up Jeff her excuse was that she had always gone out with guys by herself and it wasn't a problem ever. She said that I should trust her. She said it was her first relationship, so she didn't know it would have been an issue. I didn't like that excuse because we had already talked about guidelines in our relationships and she was breaking one. I explained that I don't trust Jeff (but I didn't trust her too). This is a guy that has dated another guy to watch free movies and get free food but he's not gay. He's is a shady person. She said nothing happened between them. She agreed on the conditions that would not happen again. We went on with our lives together.

5. Some time passes. We had other issues later on but like any other couple.

6. One day while I was driving she had mentioned that she was keeping in touch with people all over the world and that they were her friends. She mentioned that she use to be in love with a guy from out of the country and would have phone sex with another that lived out of state. I didn't say anything because at the time I didn't feel that she need to get rid of these friends since they were so far away. Later on, stuff happened that changed my mind.

7. Some time passes again.

8. One day when we were laying in bed together I noticed that she was deleting her Snapchat and Kik from her phone. I just made a mental note because I thought it was old. I didn't ask anything and she just told me that she needed space on her phone. It sounds valid to me. Still, though, I didn't ask. Later in the future, she told me that she had deleted them so I wouldn't think she was cheating.

9. Later on that night or the following night she was acting weird. She didn't want to have sex which is fine but she distanced herself from me. We would normally cuddle but she was on the other side of the bed. Her mannerisms were almost like covering her vagina where ever she moved (not on her period); it was behavior she never exhibited before. I joked with her to try and make her feel better and she said: "you are a bitch though!". She was defensive about my jokes. Not how she normally acts when I joke with her. That whole night was terrible, it just became a battle of who could annoy the other.

10. The next morning I could not stop getting this feeling that something was wrong. I knew I didn't have much of a reason to ask for her phone again. Still that night I talked to her. I began to doubt myself. I explain to her, how when I was a child my mother would have me call all the numbers off of my dad's phone from call history to see if my dad was cheating(He was) so I told her that I think this is the reason why I may feel she is cheating on me with no evidence. I asked if she would let me see her phone to prove my suspicions are wrong. She said yes. I smiled and didn't take her phone. I felt that was good enough for me... until after we were done eating she began to get ready to shower but before going she made eye contact with me and placed her phone in her backpack, never breaking eye contact with me; solid 20 seconds of eye contact. I just made a mental note that it was weird that she put it away so awkwardly.

11. Later on that night in bed I thought it was the best time to ask her for her phone to finally put my suspicions away. She gave me her phone. Initially, she didn't bother looking over to see where I was going on her phone. That made me feel that I had nothing to worry about. I went to her phone and didn't find a thing but then I remember she had deleted her Snapchat and Kik.

12. The next move was to go into the files of her phone where stuff is stored even when the app is deleted. I enter the Kik app file and she was sending a video of her kissing the screen and role-playing. She said it was before we were together. I check the date it's in late December after I met her family. This is when her relaxed attitude change to focusing on the screen at all times.

13. I download Kik and Snapchat. I made sure to remove the phone from her hands once she signs in to not have a suspicion of her deleting stuff.

14. I still didn't know much about Kik but later I found out that if you delete or sign out of the app all your messages will be deleted. No message was found because she had deleted the app. Just a guy's name that she said was a friend but messages in the conversation were empty.

15. Snap chat was where I found a red flag. I enter her snap chat and saw 4 guys' names. I asked her "before I go in any of these do you want to tell me anything?" she said no.

I enter the first guy chat, it was the out of state guy who she had phone sex before; he saved messages. The saved messages didn't look suspicious but it's Snapchat so there can be some that weren't saved. Weird that she talking to someone she uses to have frequent phone sex with but OK. Didn't say much about it.

The second guy, he saved messages too. He was sending her voice messages. Saved messages were not suspicious but it's Snapchat so there can be some that weren't saved. I asked her who he was since his name was not familiar. She said he found her from tinder and they been messaging since. That was a red flag for me because we discussed we would not communicate with the people we meet from tinder. She said that he never made a move on her... stuff like that; however, she then said how she was trying to meet up with the guy at Denny's once because she wanted pancakes and even though she wanted to he would not go unless she would take a friend with her because he knew she had a boyfriend. Sounds weird?? Yup! She said they never met. why would she try to meet up with him by herself? So I'm the asshole? why do all these dudes supposedly "save the whole conversation"?  

The third and fourth were guy she has been friends with and I have no problem with her hanging with the two of them together. She had mentioned these friends a long time ago so it checked out.

16. On the drive home, after I went through her phone. She must have the worst timing ever because she brought up the fact that she used to cheat when playing cards with her dad. Her dad got mad at her and would not play with her again. She would ask to play with her dad but he wouldn't let her because she would cheat. Then she told me that if her dad would have given her another chance she would have proven that she wouldn't have cheated again. Why did she say this??? no idea. Bad timing, maybe?

17. But right after that story she then became mad and quiet. She said I had broken her personal space which all she has in her life. I told her that I gave her phone back and she could go through mine whenever she wanted. She still was mad. Saying that I took her privacy away. This got me heated because I didn't say she had to stop talking to anyone after I found the suspicious activities. I blew up! I told her we will talk about it at her house! Then she started crying saying how she is sorry and so on.

18. Once at her house, I told her that anyone from a dating site that she met; people she had any sexual activities including phone sex from the past she would have to stop talking to if she wanted to be with me. I dropped her off and left angry. We took the weekend apart from each other.

19. I talked to my support system again and they said it was time to cut it off. I agreed but...

20. My dumb ass stayed with her. lol, We talked it out. She blamed her inexperience with the relationship since it was her first. Saying she didn't know better.

21. We had other issues like any other couple.

22. I was going to finally break up with her but I had to wait until the weekend because I promise to take her sibling to school for a few weeks. I waited to break up with her to keep my promise to her.

23. She caught on to me being distant and faking being happy. She confronted me about it and we decide to work on our relationship.

24. Part of the conversation involved people who thought I was overrating about past relationship troubles. Turn out she was talking about Reddit!!! Hi, Reddit! Seems allot of info got left out. SMH. I thought it was weird how everyone I went to for advice thought I made perfect sense but with her, she thought I was overreacting, insecure, and bad shit crazy.

24. I fell in love with her. Hopefully, I don't get my heart to rip out. lmao.

25. Almost forgot, the "white lies"... well, do I have to go in detail about this? Shouldn't this post speak for itself? I understand why we use white lies; we are using then to not hurt someone's feelings. "Hey, do I look ugly?" "No, you are a snack". This was not the case. I have caught her many times lying about stuff that there's no need to lie about, hold information, and change a slight thing in her story to fit her narrative. For example, "My bf went through the conversation and didn't see anything suspicious, his words, not mine". Really? Did I say that? The only thing I told her was there was not enough proof to say she didn't cheat on me. There was defiantly so suspicious activities.

Am I the asshole?

Is she the asshole?

Or am I a 100% simp?

LMK

[breg21]

Ladynoir Month: Community Service

@ladynoirjuly2019

Ao3 FFN

So, I didn't get back home later than expected and I'm like 'danggg.' but I'm home and everything is set up to resume to normal for sure tomorrow! Ugh, I can't wait to get back into the groove of everything.

Thank you so much for your patience!

School had just ended for the day and things were starting to go back to normal for the first time in over a month.

For the first time in a long time, the city felt, well like a city again, people having conversations, drivers yelling at other drivers. It was odd, but people could feel free to express all their emotions again, not just the negative ones. There was a sense of peace amongst anger, sadness, and so many other emotions that have been almost banned to have for fear of it being taken advantage of.

The walk home was nice, as Marinette and Adrien were greeted to his mother having her normal coffee and passion fruit macaroon. It turned out that being semi dead for three years leaves one with one heck of a sweet tooth.

Sadly, that joy was cut off when Marinette's earrings began chirping. Grabbing her boyfriend's, hand they rushed upstairs and transformed, finding a message had shown up on their devices.

It was from Master Fu and it was a text. "Miracle box was broken into, only one miraculous gone. Butterfly."

Horror struck both Chat and Ladybug. Master Fu had the miracle box for the week so he could reset it to something that would blend in better with Marinette's room. A sort of camouflage. Never did they think this could happen. Just who could have known, and who would even want such a thing.

They had to find out and soon.

They just couldn't do this again so soon after all they had endured.

Over the next week, the two superheroes had their work cut out for them. They had been facing Akuma after Akuma, about an average of three per day if they had their count correct.

The city was once again struck by terror and they didn't know what to do. So many of them were just getting used to the idea of feeling safe again.

That was why Ladybug was zipping to her school over an hour late, just to make it to her next class on time. When she got there she figured the locker rooms would be deserted so she popped in through the windows and let out an exhausted "Spots off."

She nearly had a moment to breathe, when she heard a large thud come from behind her.

A shiver was sent up her spine as she slowly turned around.

Alya. Off all people, it was her best friend with the entire blog dedicated to her.

"I hate you." Alya back peddled immediately. "Not like actually hate you, I just hate me for not figuring this out, I mean girl you don't even change your hair, would it kill you to try a ponytail or something. I mean, now that I see it it's the only thing I'm gonna see all night. Am I rambling, I think I'm rambling now. Oh my gosh, I'm becoming you, wait, is that another power I don't know about, are you turning me into a Ladybug clone?"

"Alya! First things first," Marinette shouted, cutting off her best friend's mile long sentence. She almost laughed, had she not been so tired. "No, I can fix, heal, and zip. Second, this stays off the blog."

At that, her best friend gave a small pout, "Come on, LB, you know how much I've wanted this, years, literally years."

Marinette then walked over to her best friend and whispered a single sentence in her ear, a sentence she hoped she would never have to use, but this was serious.

There was a look of shock on her face. "My dad told me the footage was deleted in the Akuma attack."

Marinette gave her a shifty smile in response. "I would never leak it, trust me, I would never do that to you, but let's just say those Ladybug can't restore everything, that footage though, was something they couldn't even think about. I'm scarred for life. I erased the footage myself but… I can't unsee that I mean how did you even-"

Alya lifted her hands in defeat, an obvious white flag for a truce. "Alright, I get it. I'm not handing out tips here. I won't tell, but know, I have something to tell you. You're not the only super I think I know the identity to, and don't worry it's not Adrien."

Marinette's eyes bludged at that. "What, how did you know!?"

The blogger laughed, shaking her head with a roll of her shoulders. "Girl, I drew him as Chat like three years ago, and he's dating Ladybug and I know you don't cheat. No, have you noticed how quiet it's been in the past week?"

Marinette titled her head to the side in lieu of a shrug. "Well, actually I've been knee deep in Akumas, so I've been sleeping through all my classes."

"Yeah well that's not new, what is new is the lack of drama in class. No drama means…"

Her eyes almost popped out of her eye sockets when it dawned on her. "Oh my gosh, Lila's the new Hawkmoth."

Alya brought her finger to her nose. "Bingo." Her hands went to her hips as she thought over something. "Boy, it took you three years to find out the original Hawkmoth, and now it only took a week and some days, with my help." A lopsided smirk fell onto her lips. "You're welcome."

"I have to hand it to you, you're really good at this, Alya."

She sent her best friend a sour look. "Wow, it's almost like I'm an investigative journalist or something."

"Says the girl that thought Chloe was Ladybug." The young designer sighed. "Okay smart alet, what are we gonna do then?"

Alya lost herself in a deep thought before releasing a toothy grin. "What can you do to the person who speaks only in lies? You let them think they believe you."

Marinette blinked once. "Okay, not only was that cheesy but now I'm tired and confused."

Alya pressed her hands on Marinette's shoulders. "LB, I have a plan."

"You're not gonna let that nickname go ar-"

"No. No, I am not. Also, I'd like to think I've gotten better since my Chloe days."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night, Aly's."

Chat looked to Ladybug and Rena as they stood atop the middle of the tower. "Are you sure you can handle this Alya? I mean this plan is great and all, but you really are putting a lot on yourself."

Rena took in a gulp of air, trying her best, from what Chat could tell, to sound confident, but he could still hear the uneasiness in her voice. "Yeah, I mean how hard can it be, stop the supervillain and save the day, single-handedly. Yeah," She nodded to herself. "I've got this. Just consider it a community service."

She looked down to see Lila's latest victim running mad around the square. "I've got this!" Her voice echoed as her, Chat, and Ladybug all landed on the ground in front of the creature. "What's a matter, Lila? Lying to students doesn't give you a thrill anymore, you have to resort to the whole city now?!"

The Akuma looked confused until a voice spoke for it. "You know, that outfit never really did fit you. You just don't have the figure for it like I did. But if you must know. No, I got tired of all those little brats and their little problems and before poor little Hawkmoth took a dive, he promised me I would have a place above this city and now I finally have it."

"Not if we have anything to say about it!" Ladybug shouted to the Akuma victim.

The Akuma began to shake before lunging at ladybug knocking her flat on the ground.

"Ladybug!" Chat shouted, but he just barely dodged the Akumas next attack as it swung wide, nearly taking Rena out in the process.

Lila was obviously thrilled with how everything was coming to pass, taunting them almost gleefully through the akuma. "I can't tell if you're tired from all the attacks, or if Hawkmoth took your fighting skills with him."

Chat wasn't having it. He lunged forward, only to get smacked back into the tower.

Rena looked back to see both Ladybug and Chat out cold.

Chat looked to Ladybug high above the scene. "Do you think this is gonna work?"

Ladybug let out a joyful breath. "So far it's working like a charm. I mean look at them. They're so realistic. She even got down your little Chat walk. No, she's got this. All we have to do is wait for Lila to spring the trap and then we put a stop to all this. Never thought illusions could look so real."

Chat let his legs kick freely as he tried everything not to ask what was on his mind.

"How do you know she won't tell. Don't get me wrong, I know Alya is a great person, but I also know she's well… Alya. How can we know she won't put this on the Ladyblog?"

Ladybug gave him a playful kiss on the cheek. "Simple my kitty, I know what her and Nino did in the panther cage."

There was a look of shock on his face. "Do, do I even want to-"

"No, no you definitely do not."

"But maybe just a little bit?"

"I said no! They were nothing to me, nobody has ever been! Not my father, not my so called friends, nobody! So why should I care what I do?! Nobody has ever cared enough to stay in my life so why should I care when in another year I'll just pack up and start it all over again!"

Rena had to hold back her emotions and keep to the plan. "Ah so what, did the spoiled brat move too many times, cry me a river. You've been here for thee years know and never once have you gotten that through your head. Have you ever thought the reason you had to move so much was because of you?! You can only do so much before a school doesn't take you back. No wonder your mother moved so much. I'm surprised she could find a school that would take you!"

That was it. That was the straw that broke the cames back.

The ground below them cracked open as Lila came rising up on a hoard of butterflies.

"That's enough!"

The Akuma flew out of the victim's hands and back to it's master. "This city is filled with fear regret, loss. Yet, none of them can even defeat the B-Rate superhero in front of me. No wonder Gaberial was so disappointed in them. The black butterfly flew directly into the broach giving Lila her powers causing her skin to emanate a sickly purple glow.

"For all those ridiculous costumes he gave his minions, he never even had enough imagination to try his powers on himself with his miraculous. With Ladybug and Chat out for the count, you're all that remains between me and keeping this power, keeping this control."

Lila stretched out her arms as a wave of energy burst forth, knocking Rena back against the tower right next to the unconscious Chat and Ladybug.

Rena held her gut in pain as she looked up as high as she could. "Now!"

The Ladybug and Chat laying next to her vanished as the real heroes descended from above wrapping Lila in Ladybug's indestructible yoyo as Chat ripped the broach from her dark dress, fingers curling around the object that had caused so many nightmares. "Ladybug, I give you the honor."

Chat whipped the dark miraculous at Ladybug as she pulled the string from around Lila, catching the broach with ease.

"Time to de-evilise once and for all!" When the broach left the yoyo, Chat snatched it without a second thought, making sure to take great care of the small object.

Master Fu and Plagg were right, there would always be a new villain, but the time for Nooroo to be abused was over. He would never be used evil again.

The rest, they would figure out together.

It didn't take long after her defeat for the authorities to show up on the scene.

With Rena having to recharge Trixx, Ladybug and Chat stayed behind to talk to the police.

Ladybug had a sad look upon her face when the police showed up. "Officer, I know she's troubled, but she's just that, troubled. I don't want her to have to be locked up. There must be some reason why she is like this. Please make sure she gets the proper help."

Because in the end, Ladybug would always believe that there was some good in people.

When the sun had set and the city died down the three showed up on Master Fu's doorstep with Nooroo in tow.

With a heavy heart Master Fu opened the door and let the three in. "I see Ms. Rena has discovered who is behind the mask?"

At that, Alya gave a shy wave adding. "Knew Chat for a while actually. Not too hard with his cheekbones."

He gave a little laugh at that causing tensions to drop just a little. Before anyone could utter another word Nooroo flew out of Adrien;'s hands and into Master Fu's. "I am so sorry this has happened to you Nooroo. I think perhaps, it's time to retire the butterfly Miraculous, just for a time being. I just never thought it would come to this." He gave a single nod to the little creature asking for its consent.

Replying with a nod of his own, Nooroo flew back into the butterfly broach as Master Fu placed it in the center of the Miracle box, after a small whisper to what seemed like the box itself the room was filled with a bright light and the broach no longer present in the box.

"What just happened? Adrien asked.

Master Fu looked at the three. "Inside the box, there is a realm that only the Kwami's themselves can visit, and the little objects they take with them. Upon telling them the situation, the remaining Kwami's agreed it would be best to keep the Butterfly Miraculous in there for a time, as to let Nooroo heal, and to make sure the next time it is used is for the better and not worse."

Ladybug smiled. "Good." she nodded. "He needs his rest."

Rena called off Trixx, unclasping her necklaces, and handed it back to Master Fu. "I guess that's my cue to leave. Catch you later." She winked and slipped quietly out the door.

Ladybug felt the weight lifted from her shoulders in a matter of seconds with the fact that it was all over and moved to wrap her arms around Chat's waist, his own automatically fell to her own, and looked to the elder man. "So, my lessons start this Saturday then?"

Master Fu nodded. "Six am sharp. We have a lot to cover in a short of amount for you to become the next guardian."

She gave a low sigh. "I'll be there."

Chat snorted. "I'll make sure she gets here."

She turned her head to face her boyfriend and sent a harsh glare. "Don't gotta rub it in."

He poked her cheek. "But it's so fun."

She rolled her eyes, and loosened herself from the overgrown cat and strolled out of the shop, bidding Master Fu a goodbye and becking Chat to follow, not that she needed to do much calling for him to do that on his own accord.

He followed her anywhere, and she was never fearful that it would be anything different. She knew who they were and who they always would be. No matter the evil butterfly that may appear, or a completely new villain. They could handle anything.

They would find a way.

"So, bugaboo, I know that whole community service was just an off handed comment, but it got me thinking…"

Well, not maybe not everything. But she could deal with an overzealous kitty.

Hopefully.

[carakenobi-blog]

Stains and Stars.

•

i haven’t written anything in a hot minute let’s get back to it sisters!!

I had an account but alas it was deleted awhile back

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summary : alt. universe where the reader is an art major in a world where you can only see color through making physical contact with your soulmate. reader goes to get coffee for their supervisor and shit happens. :)

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10:52. You rolled your eyes and pushed the falling glasses further up onto the bridge of your nose, the ignorance of picky assholes making your chest bubble in annoyance. You’ve been standing in the line for twenty minutes now. Of all days in the span of your short, miserable life today had to be the day where people had to make you as late as possible. It’s not your fault, internships are an essential but you thought that the whole make this person get our coffee for us thing was just in the movies, yet here you are, standing in a line waiting for your supervisors lunch and coffee order. As far as you knew, getting a degree didn’t require you to be a food slave for someone who’s paying you with experience and now that you’re putting it into perspective you aren’t one hundred percent sure it’s worth it in the end, especially with your major. art wasn’t an easy thing to master. Only the lucky individuals who’ve found their other half get to enjoy its true colors. You, on the other hand, are only approved to create with nothing more than the full colors most people see. Only the lucky ones are able to paint with colors labeled with anything that doesn’t say black, white, or grey. You’ve done everything in your power to become as great as you can be in painting and drawing but still the fact remains that you can’t actually see what you’re creating in full. You haven’t met your soulmate yet. You don’t get to see the crimson red apples in your paintings that everyone seems to talk about, or the deep almost ocean blue sky on a sunny day. Everything was still bland and black, white, and grey. You couldn’t wait til the day you met you-

“Oh no!”

You feel a warm substance completely drench your sweater and nice jeans. The only thing you can do is stare in absolute horror as some dufus has just ran into you and spilled their coffee all over you and them.

“ Oh my god, I am so sorry, I was just in such a rush and I didn’t even see you behind me, here let me hel-“

all of a sudden you have a searing pain in your head. He touched your hand and it felt like a hot poker was going straight through your brain. You squeeze your eyes shut and grind your teeth hoping to relieve the the the sharp burn and after a few seconds it resides. You pinch the bridge of your nose and breathe a little and open your eyes.

You finally understand what they say when they say it’s worth the wait. This is color. You’re finally awake to the world. You’re seeing the deep yellow of your sweater for the first time and the deep ocean blue of the sky, and from the looks of it the boy who ran into you is having the same reaction. His eyes are more green than the emerald city’s doors and his hair is clean cut and light, almost like sand. He’s tall, his presence resounds around the room, and dare I say it, he’s cute, and then you realize the colors. This is him. This is your person. Tall, blue-eyed, and beautiful. The only thing you can think to do is kiss him, and that you do. You now know what they mean by fireworks. Sparks fly. Flags are raised. The whole nine yards. He’s yours and yours alone, and it all begins now. He breaks apart from you to look in your eyes for the first time,

“ Hi, I’m Bucky. What’s your name?”

[mackenzie-wolf]

You've got a lot to learn p.4/?

Requested by anon

Becca x Older woman (O/C)

[Warning! Contains offensive language]

This fic has developed a life of its own... Sorry to anyone still waiting on other fics. They're going to happen but... this is just happening first lol

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Becca got out of the cab and passed a few bills through the driver side window. Usually the idea of taking a cab would have put her off of even going out that night; but she had no idea what drinking with her colleagues would be like and she didn't want to have her car there as a potential poor-drunken decision.

She walked the few steps down the street and came to the door of the Double Tap, just as a few loud patrons were staggering out. Stepping back to let them pass, she caught a look at herself in the darkened window of a store. Becca smoothed down her casual but elegantly beautiful, white dress and pushed a few locks of her hair back over her shoulder. The half reflection didn't offer her much of a view on her makeup but after the time she had spent on it earlier, she wasn't too worried.

It was out of character for becca to be so nervous before meeting new people. It was something she usually excelled at. Then again, almost everything that had happened over the last few days was out of character for her. As she became sure that she looked a vision of perfection, she found herself lost inside her own thoughts.

'What the hell are you doing becca? It's not like it matters if these people like you.'

A few more steps towards the door...

'No doubt they've already made up their minds seeing as you've been practically glue to the boss the last two days...'

Her hand touched the door handle and she took in a deep breath...

'Not that it wasn't worth it.' Becca smiled to herself before pushing open the door and feeling the warm rush of air strike her face. The smell of old beer and spirits was lingering in the air along with the smell of cheep cologne and inexpensive perfume. Her eyes scanned the place that looked like a breeding ground, for both bacteria and... well, people. Why this place was decided upon for the gathering of her team was unclear. Unless they had seriously less refined taste than she did. A quick glace around the room and becca recognised no one. It was 9:15pm so she definitely wasn't too early. Her eyes scanned the bar, still nothing. Then they scanned the sign over the bar, just to make sure that she had the right place.

In a mix of frustration and concern, becca made her way to the bathroom, trying to escape the loud music, loud patrons and the lost look she obviously had upon herself, standing alone in the doorway of the bar. Once in the bathroom (that was bigger than it had looked from the outside) becca leaned against a wall with a huff. Other women were at the mirror, washing their hands or applying a touch up on their makeup. Becca paid no attention to them and instead, unlocked her phone and went straight on to her social media. She brought up Robynn's profile, trying not to dwell for too long on her picture. She took no time at all in finding her contact info; luckily her number was available. Becca took the number in to her phone and typed out a text.

-Hey, it's becca. Did you guys ditch me? 😉-

Deleted

-hii. Im here... 💕Becca-

Deleted

-hi robynn. Its becca. Where are you guys?- Sent. Delivered.

Seconds later, becca heard two sharp 'pings' come from the other side of the bathroom, by the mirrors. With a small crease in her brow, becca walked a slow few steps further in, glancing around the corner to catch the full view of the mirrored wall. In the reflection she could see a familiar face, partially obstructed by the other women stood next to her, even if they were much shorter. Becca took a tentative step toward her but stopped herself. Noticing that Robynn hadn't checked her phone yet, still to caught up in what she was doing, becca found herself staring. Robynn was styling her hair and clearly becoming frustrated at the way the brunette spikes were falling. It was cute watching her, her face was a little pink with annoyance and becca could just about make out her clothes through the thrall of women still taking up plenty of space in the room between them. Becoming a little impatient, becca started to push through the small crowd until she found herself at Robynn's back. Unsure of what to even say. Her hand reached up, as if to touch Robynn's shoulder, but recoiled back just as fast. Instead, she pulled out her phone again, making sure to not be seen in the mirror that Robynn's impressive stature was blocking her from. She brought her number back up and with a rueful smile, hit the Call button. As soon as Robynn's phone vibrated -along with the unmistakable theme tune from The Crown and The Flame that becca had to suffer through on countless nights at the house- her hand flew to pick up the phone from where it sat, just next to the sink.

"Hello..." she answered with an impatient tone.

"Turn around." Becca said. Her voice a mix of teasing and flirtation. With that, Robynn spun around on her heel. Coming face to face with becca, Robynn's face softened and a heavy breath deflated her chest.

"Becca. I wasn't sure if you'd make it!" She beamed at her, making the first awkward step toward a hug. Becca matched her step and allowed herself to fall into Robynn's embrace. As her strong arms wrapped around Becca's frame, the rest of the room, the building, the night, seemed to fall entirely away. The smell robynn was wearing was heavenly; both feminine and powerful at the same time. It matched her perfectly. As she took in the next inhale, becca was quickly reminded where they were.

"Uhmm. Could we move out of here?" She giggled. Robynn's arms relaxed around her as they both pulled away. Robynn nodded her head toward the door and the two of them left the bathroom. Pushing through the crowds was easier this time, especially with Robynn taking the lead and making short work of the people in her way.

The two of them found a table near the back of the bar and sat down across from one another. It didn't take more than a few seconds for becca to realise the lack of chairs around the table and the fact that she had heard nothing about anyone else joining them. She took a breath to centre herself before asking the question that was sitting on the edge of her lips.

"So... are the others meeting us here?"

Robynn quickly looked down, trying to hide the embarrassment on her face. She looked up and met Becca's curious gaze. "Uhmm. So, the team I'm in charge of is you and two other people. So when I said 'some of our team'..."

"You meant, just the two of us?" Becca said trying to keep a smile from creeping across her lips.

"I'm sorry, I know that was wrong of me." Robynn said flatly.

"Yes it was..." Becca said sternly, prompting Robynn to look away again. "...but, I don't mind." Robynn's head snapped up to attention and a small grin tugged at the corners of her lips. "You know you could have just said that though. That it would just be us."

"Yeah.." Robynn laughed weakly to herself. "... that was the original plan, but then I kept losing my nerve and then you got that cut... Is it ok by the way?"

Becca lifted her finger that had been rebandaged after her shower. "Its fine, thank you. Also thank you for taking care of it earlier."

"It was the least I could do" She smiled back.

"That reminds me." Becca said, quickly reaching into her small purse. She pulled put the neatly folded handkerchief, free of all stains and already dry.

'I really have to thank milly again for that'

"No way!" Robynn grinned. "This thing was a mess a few hours ago!"

"I told you I'd take care of it. Full disclosure, I actually had no idea what to do. I tried using dosh soap on it..." At that, Robynn grimaced. "...thankful I live with decent people who actually know how to take care of things. So one of them helped me."

"Wow. It must be great to lie with such good... friends." Robynn said, leaving the last word sounding like a question.

"I caught that by the way" Becca said, arching her brow at the blushing woman opposite her.

"Caught what?" It seemed unusual for robynn to sound so bashful but it matched the color on her cheeks easily.

"Yes. They're my Friends." She stated, letting her smile show through all at once.

"So... no...?"

"No, nothing even like that." Becca adjusted how she was sitting. Feeling suddenly more confident. This was a game she was use to playing and never failed to enjoy it. "And you?"

"Oh, no... not for a while..." Robynn almost recoiled in horror at her own words as they spilled out but becca gave a soft laugh before picking up her purse.

"What do you drink?" She asked as she began to stand. Robynn quickly stood first and gave becca a look that wasn't to be argued with.

"I invited you so at least the first drink has to be my responsibility."

"I won't argue with that. Apple Martini, dry. Please." Becca's voice was sounding more full with every word. Her practiced ease on dates was setting in and she finally felt less like she was going to fail at the next turn.

As robynn walked toward the bar, becca found herself staring yet again. It surprised even her how often she caught herself doing that recently. She watched as robynn leaned over the bar and flagged down the bar tender with her charming smile. Becca hardly noticed the chair beside her being pulled out or the man who made himself comfortable in her space.

"Hey there!" He said a little too loud and a little to close. Becca almost jumped at the surprise, but quickly composed herself, giving him a questioning look.

"Can I help you?" She said, clearly sounding uninterested in speaking with him.

"I guess we'll see." He chuckled sickly. "What are you, on a girls night out?"

"Something like that." Becca looked over at the bar to catch another glimpse of Robynn.

"Well you aughta be careful. Looks like your friend might bat for the other team." He said, moving an inch closer in his seat.

"What exactly is that supposed to mean?" He now had Becca's full attention.

"Just that she might be looking for more than a friend..." As disgusting as he sounded, the idea made Becca's heart beat twice as fast. "... and God knows you're too good for all that!"

"Urgh..." Becca sighed dramatically. "...Meaning?!"

"That you're too pretty to be... you know..." Before he could finish his lothesome sentence, his chair was tipped back, almost sending him crashing to the floor before being caught in a strong grip.

"Actually she's exactly pretty enough!" Robynn's voice boomed at him. Her one hand holding the man's weight in the tipped chair, the other holding both drinks on a tray, still perfectly balanced. "You're in my seat. So could you please take your hateful opinions elsewhere. Anywhere, as long as it's away from my date!" Becca blushed as the declaration was pushed from Robynn's tongue. Holding back the excitement, becca took on an icy glare, aimed at the man who was now scrambling to get up.

"I don't need this..." he hissed between his teeth. "...enjoy eachother. Dykes!"

"Keep walking unless you want your ass kicked by a dyke asshole!" Robynn turned to becca with an apologetic look on her face. "I'm really sorry about that. I hate it when people think they can just..."

"I forgive you." Becca laughed. "But I'd definitely like that drink now"

"Oh, of course." Robynn set down the tray and handed becca tell tall glass. She took her gin and tonic and put it to her lips, taking a gratified sip. The night went on and the two of them began talking more and more. About work at first, then they went deeper. Becca told robynn all about her parents divorce and having to move in with her former nemesis. How it lead to her needing the job and how she was saving up to do something good for a close friend of hers.

Robynn talked about how she was a chubby girl in school. Along with the fact that she was already out as gay and her short haircut, she was an easy target for bullies. Her dad had told her that sometimes the only way to stop a bully is by making them feel as weak as they make others feel. He had bought her some exercise equipment and it wasn't long before she got more interested in it. Body building, cardio, full workout plans were all a part of her daily routine now. Bullies stayed away from her after realising they were no match.

As the night wore on, the bar was quickly emptying. Robynn checked the time on her watch. Realising how late it had become, she tried to stifle a yawn. Becca picked up her glass and finished the last of her drink before suggesting that they leave for the night.

When they stepped outside, the cold air made Becca's head spin a little. Her feet betrayed her as she stepped forward, causing her to sway slightly. Robynn held her arm and Becca's head leaned gently on her broad, strong shoulder. They hailed a cab and robynn held the door open, ushering becca inside. Once the driver had Becca's address, the car started down the street. Warm yellow lights flashed by the window that becca was leaning against, suddenly feeling more drunk than she had done inside.

"Here..." Robynn said, pulling becca closer by her shoulders. "... you can lean against me if you want to." With a tipsy grin, becca let her head fall against Robynn's chest. Her eyes felt heavy as they went the rest of the way home. Robynn asked the cab to wait while she helped becca out of the car and walked her to her front door. Becca fiddled with her keys, unsure of what to say.

"Robynn?"

"Yeah?" She said confidently, leaning against the door frame of the large house.

"Was this really a date?" She asked almost under her breath. "You said to that guy..."

"Damn, I hope so. I don't think I'll have the nerve to ask you out for the first time, again." She laughed before meeting Becca's eyes. They were shining in the faint light coming through the window of the door. Filled with both curiosity and longing. Wordlessly, the two of them fell in to eachother, their lips connecting in a deep kiss. Robynn's hand cradled the back of Becca's head and Becca's arms wrapped around her well toned hips. It felt like the kiss lasted an eternity, until it ended. Then it felt like no time at all, like it couldn't possibly be enough.

"Do you... do you want to..?" Becca mumbled shyly as she looked up at Robynn's deep green eyes.

"Yes. I really do... but I won't." Becca's gaze fell to her feet with shame. "But that's just because we've been drinking. Maybe next time we can stay sober and see if we still want to?"

"Next time?" Becca teased. "Who said anything about a next time?"

"Oh... I just..." Robynn tried to backpedal.

"You're cute." Becca laughed before standing higher on her tiptoes to plant another kiss on Robynn's full lips. She put her key in the door and opened it an inch. "This was a great night Robynn. Thank you"

"Yeah.. I erm... my pleasure" she giggled.

"Mine too" Becca winked, then walked in to the house, taking one last look at the beautiful woman on her porch before closing the door. Her eyes closed as she leaned her back against the door, letting out a long content sigh.

"Well Well Well..." a voice spoke, making Becca's eyes shoot open. She cringed as she saw all of her housemates sitting in the living room, looking at her expectantly.

"Oh god no..." Becca grimaced, closing her eyes tight again as if it were a a beautiful dream that had just turned in to a nightmare.

"Someone owes us details!" Zack singsonged, causing the rest of them to laugh.

To be continued

@im-still-gonna-fly (I told you I'd get it done 😉)

[clarenecessities]

Queerquiggle/Cybunnypoop

Subtitle: This Again

It’s been around two years since the shit hit the proverbial fan, but seeing as the individual in question has since deleted & remade, some of you may not be aware of whom you’re interacting with.

Queerquiggle & queerneopets are the latest installments in a series of urls belonging to one person, hereafter referred to as the original url, cybunnypoop. Other former urls for his neoblog include (but are not limited to): gaygelatin, shewhoneopetswiththee, neobloq, and candypaintbrush.

I should tell you all off the bat that he’s a Trump supporter, a “recovering” transphobe, and extremely Islamophobic, so this post may contain some upsetting information. There are some instances of misogyny, antisemitism, homophobia, and racism, as well. Oh, and ableism. Honestly, pick an -ism.

None of the information in this post should be a repeat of my first post regarding the matter. Warning: this post is even longer.

As before, I’d be remiss if I didn’t lay out my bias: I don’t like him. He’s been downgraded from “nemesis” to “nuisance,” as he’s no longer harassing minors (as far as I’m aware), but we’re never going to be best buddies.

We’ve spoken several times, though never to any resolution, and with each interaction it became increasingly obvious that it was futile. I ultimately blocked him following repeated propositioning and an unwillingness to engage beyond casting any disagreement as bullying and telling the kids to go back to their safe spaces.

Cybunnypoop is now 25 years old, and he hasn’t started anything major in a while. His posts remain fairly unpopular, though whether that’s the result of the quarantine or simple bad content, I couldn’t say. You’re under no obligation to take my word for any of this. Though I’ve provided links and screenshots where I can, what you make of that evidence is up to you.

TRANSPHOBIA

As it so happens, Cybunnypoop has recently tried listening to another human being, and has been educated about trans issues in a way that ~100 people on the internet offering resources apparently couldn’t accomplish.

What this means is that Cybunnypoop is now IDing with various names (itself nothing new, pseudonyms are an old hat here), gender identities, and pronouns, depending on the platform. I’m sticking with he/him for this post, as those were the last requested on his neopets blog. His description says shey/shem but unfortunately I have no idea how current that is, and his about says “whatever”–so if I’m misgendering here, I apologize; it is not intentional.

I, Clare, Author of This Post, am cis. So it’s not my place to gatekeep or say whether or not he’s ““really trans””. And, as he has expressly admitted to being transphobic in the past, none of this section is really up for debate. I’m just going to provide the information, including his apologies and the redaction thereof. I don’t know that he truly understands everything he did wrong, but he’s explicitly stated he thinks transphobia is bad, so hey, maybe we can all learn something.

I’m gonna try to keep this chronological, so here we go:

A fun little addition to a post via an anonymous terf, “You are still males, you have male privilege, you KNOW NOTHING & NEEVER [sic] WILL KNOW of our goddamn struggles.“ which Cybunnypoop began with “So much agree!”

When asked about the “trans bathroom debacle,” he stated he was, “just afraid it’ll result in sacrificing handicap-accesible bathrooms.” which is only tangentially transphobic but bears addressing: Why would it ever mean that?

Cybunnypoop has something of a preoccupation with the potential negative impact equity would have upon him, and ableism is a convenient vehicle for this–lord knows this country is appalling in terms of accessibility. However, no proposed version of “trans bathroom”s leads to the dissolution of ADA-compliant spaces. Whether it’s allowing trans people to use the bathroom they identify with, or installing/redesignating gender neutral spaces, it remains an issue of improved accessibility, not diminished. A disabled trans person has as much a right to use a bathroom as an able-bodied one.

When he graduated he was questioned on his political beliefs, specifically how he could support Trump and remaining uneducated about trans issues while claiming to be an LGBT ally–and congratulated on graduating. Rather than answering the questions, or thanking them for the congrats and ignoring the rest, Cybunnypoop declared it “harassment”. This is about the standard for what he deems harassment/bullying: Anything that disagrees with him.

Reposted a quote from Dixon Diaz, the alt right guy you may remember him quoting in several citations from my last post, which read, “Liberal: a person who tells you that you’re a bigot if you’re afraid of having weird men in the ladies room, but becomes traumatized if they see “Trump 2016” written in chalk.“ [sic]

trans people bad, diversity bad, children bad & trauma fake

An ongoing problem with fetishizing trans people, dating back long before his identification as trans, and indeed, during the period in which he was a self-avowed transphobe. (Warning: link contains slur!)

This grew more pronounced as he came to understand what it means to be trans, and zeroed in on transwomen in particular. This is itself a complex issue: When is a kink flattering and when is it dehumanizing? Are immutable adjectives inappropriate to fetishize, or is it positive representation?

Again, as a cis person, it isn’t my place to say–I’m just letting y’all know what he’s said, and you can determine how you feel about it. This post isn’t a thinkpiece on my opinions.

Select quotes from The Apology:

“I was transphobic. I was resistant to that term because I felt it was a misnomer. I was more…trans-ignorant, I felt, than “transphobic.” […] I couldn’t see what I was doing because I was too busy, I felt, being attacked.”

“I had a warped view of trans people, and I was too ignorant and stubborn to acknowledge it–to see it, even.”

“[…] it’s hard not to let a jerk taint your view of a minority, especially when that jerk was your introduction to the minority.“

I’ll be honest, my problem with this apology is in how it’s structured, not in its content. It seems to convey genuine remorse, but focuses the bulk of the message on excuses, including that last point, which… isn’t relatable.

Even this I could forgive (after all, he’s new to apologies) if it had heralded a change in attitude–but nothing changed. He continued on as before, and continued to refuse discussions of other issues (which we’re getting to soon).

Which brings us to The Second Apology:

Posted some day and a half after the first, it opens with the artfully passive aggressive line, “I thought this could be over but it’s obviously going to stick around.” And it’s all downhill from there, folks!

“What do you want? What more can I say? There isn’t anything left to say. Nothing will satisfy some people.”

“I never bullied anyone like some do to me.“

“If you don’t want to believe I am different,[…] then the problem is not mine. In these cases, it is a good idea for you to stop talking about me and lying about me“

Here is a glimpse, perhaps, into what he expected. He was waiting for accolades. Commendation. He’d just apologized–and unlike earlier attempts, it was genuine! I don’t know that he anticipated forgiveness, but the outright rejection of that apology by several individuals drove him almost immediately into a bitter tirade, once again foisting the blame onto the people he had hurt or offended.

Aaaand a redaction of former apologies. Unfortunately there doesn’t seem to be a date on this one, so it may be referring to the older apologies, but its content bears addressing:

“Yeah, I apologised like a year ago […], and they refused it, so I’m done apologizing–not that I even have anything to apologise for.

“I’ll sooner die than acknowledge and apologise for their demented reconstructions of my words.“

Which, if this is about the older apologies–oops!

“I won’t deny I said some things that people found offensive, […] but they just took everything and ran apedoodie with it. It amazes me that, for all they claim to hate me, they have this obsession with everything I do and say.”

This is actually fairly emblematic of my own interactions with Cybunnypoop: Specifically, the characterization of all attention as both positive, and obsessive.

What is it about being held responsible for his actions that leads him to cry wolf? Historically, an unwillingness to debate his political beliefs. Oh, he’ll espouse Trump’s “virtues” for paragraphs and paragraphs, but anyone who criticizes him is obviously a liberal idiot who just loves to hate him, and I’ll bet they say “lame,” right? It’s these assumptions about other people that lead him so often to tilt at windmills, rather than addressing the subject at hand.

RACISM

“Obama spending $21 million to put refugees to work…why not spend that money in the inner cities to put young blacks to work… once again Obama and the Democrats have proved the black community is their who’re [sic] because we always come back to them after they screw us” a quote he posted from a Facebook page I won’t even name, because it’s literally got the N-word in it! But he’s definitely not a racist, right?

Obama being (literally) booted out of office, by a Confederate battle flag, symbol of white supremacy since the 1960s. (There’s been some suggestion it’s in the classic minstrel show style. Though he forwent the traditional depiction of red/pink lips in favor of purple, there remains the possibility that he just can’t draw caricatures).

I’m going to address this post more in the ableism section, but it’s worth noticing how often, and how readily, he uses the word c*lored unprompted. This is not the first occasion.

More lambasting of whitewashing as a concept, sarcastically proposing we paint a black person white and mutilate them to better portray Michael Jackson (whom he refers to as ‘Wacko Jacko’, an ableist and derogatory nickname) apparently under the impression that there are no other black men with vitiligo.

I think it’s important to cover this, as from Cybunnypoop’s posts suggesting we be outraged at the “yellow-washing” of Joan Watson (see my previous post) it’s clear that he has no idea what whitewashing means.

It is not literally painting POC white.

The term whitewashing is derived from cheap white paint of chalked lime, used for a long time to refer to a specific means of censorship, “to gloss over or cover up vices, crimes or scandals or to exonerate by means of a perfunctory investigation or through biased presentation of data”. Simply put, it’s revisionist history, and the methods used to maintain that illusory timeline.

It isn’t difficult to see how the term came to be applied to the representative censorship in Hollywood.

Shared a Facebook graphic, “Black people who were never slaves are fighting white people who were never Nazis over a confederate statue erected by democrats, and why, because democrats can’t stand their own history anymore and somehow it’s Trumps Fault? [sic]“

“Also, you see Blacks everywhere, but they’re still considered a minority.” (He appended some context but frankly it’s even more damning.)

The term “spirit animal” is annoying but not because it’s racist, I guess

ISLAMOPHOBIA

Cybunnypoop’s Islamophobia is tied in pretty heavily with his support of Trump, so I’ll be citing a few of those posts in this section as well.

“Ban seven countries’ worth of ideology which promotes violence against women, LGBT people, animals, and nonworshippers? Sounds good to me!”

The cognitive dissonance of a self-avowed Catholic posting this is… incredible.

“Sorry to inform you, but the terrorists who attacked New York, Boston, Orlando, our embassies, and others weren’t Hindus, Buddhists, Christians, Jews, or atheists. They were Muslims.

“It’s not Hinduism, Buddhism, Christianity, Judaism, or atheism which oppresses women, slaughters animals, kills gays, and calls for the conversion or beheading of nonbelievers. It’s Islam.

“Until the ideology evolves to be as peaceful and tolerant as it claims, it doesn’t belong in America.”

There’s a lot to unpack here. Let’s begin by refuting Trump’s claims that “the vast majority of individuals convicted of terrorism and terrorism-related offenses since 9/11 came here from outside of our country.” Plain old xenophobia, not even in the ballpark of truth. Over the past 15 years, none of the self-described Muslim terrorists committing crime have come from the countries on Trump’s ban list. Zero. The country producing the most successful attacks against the USA is the USA itself.

A basic look at the data further reveals that white supremacist, self-described Christian terrorists actually lead the rate of attack and death toll by about 2:1. Yet, bizarrely, nothing from Cybunnypoop about the ‘violence and intolerance’ of Christianity, or even white supremacy… Who saw that coming?

It speaks to Cybunnypoop’s prejudice that he would believe such a blatantly false piece of information with no investigation or critical thought whatsoever. Although, it may speak more to his unwillingness/inability to use Google. We have had some problems with that in the past. 

“Dear Liberals: [sic] You claim to protect women. You claim to protect LGBT. [sic] You claim to protect animals. You claim to protect people who don’t ascribe to the dominant faith. But you’re protecting a violently misogynistic, homophobic, intolerant ideology which still slaughters animals in the name of their god and beheads people who worship otherwise. What the *** is wrong with you?”

Man, for derailing conversations so often to complain about perfectly valid modal grammar he sure loves breaking the English language.

When asked how he could still support Trump, he replied, “Because he hasn’t actually said or done anything wrong. The only thing with which I disagree was the transgender military ban, and that has been shot down, so it’s hardly relevant.”

Particularly in conjunction with his condemnation of liberals on the basis of not like, banning Islam, this is an explicit endorsement of everything from repealing the Alternative Tax Minimum to his sexual misconduct. Everything, except the one thing that directly affects one of Cybunnypoop’s demographics, was right.

HOMOPHOBIA

“I’m not like others in the LGBT spectrum. [bolding mine]

“I hadn’t cared for gay marriage nor had I especially cared to support the cause. […] I’ll fight for the welfare of the many before I’ll fight for the wishes of the few.”

(Well, historically, no, he won’t). Even without the implication that all the gay people who want to get married are selfish, this ignores the reason behind the push for the legalization of gay marriage: The AIDS crisis. Terminally ill gay men were forcibly evicted from their homes after watching their partners die, horribly, because they couldn’t inherit the lease/property. Their partners’ remains were the custody of parents who often wouldn’t allow the survivor to attend the funeral.

Up until gay marriage was legalized on a federal level, these incidents still occurred. One Indiana woman had to pay over $300,000 in taxes upon the death of her wife, and was told by the funeral home she could not arrange for her wife’s cremation as she was an “unrelated third party,” despite having the power of attorney. This is a significant concern.

“I don’t care for "pride.” I’ve actually started to loathe the undertones of the pride movement. […] is it truly worthy of a month and a gold star? […] I think it’s losing relevancy. Can we really celebrate something that’s no longer legally unique? Can we really have pride for… wait, what is it we’re proud of, anyway? We’re legally equal now; we’re socially equal, for the most part.” [bolding mine]

I don’t know if he forgot the homophobia he’s experienced, or if it just doesn’t matter unless it happened it to him.

“The next time someone asks you why LGBT Pride marches exist or why Gay Pride Month is June tell them ‘A bisexual woman named Brenda Howard thought it should be.’“ -Tom Limoncelli

“Another thing–and the most loathsome part–about the “pride movement” concerns the very word itself. “Pride” …be proud of who you are, and be proud of not caring what others think of you. Fine. Sure. It’s fun to wildly flaunt your differences. But what’s the opposite of “pride”? “Shame.” So, if gays are to have pride, does that mean straights are to have shame?”

So why are we to be entitled to pride–why are we allowed to feel good about ourselves and they are not? […] The majority are not oppressive, and even if they wanted to be, they legally couldn’t. 

Good news guys, homophobia is dead and definitely super illegal.

“(Never mind the fact that pride is a negative, narcissistic trait and one of the Seven Deadly Sins.)” [bolding mine]

(We interrupt this post to bring you his “Antipridist Pride”)

“While it seems most of the LGB world makes their sexuality their entire identity, I leave it as just one facet of many.“ Once again, he’s not like Those Other Gays.

“ I’ll bet I pissed off a lot of gays with this post, but I don’t care, and I’m proud of not caring.“ (proceeds to describe the LGBT community as loud, angry, straight-bashing, etc. for a good paragraph or so, obviously very much caring)

That’s enough of that post, huh? Let’s move on.

“I know that a lot of the LGBT community is hypocritical–and intolerantly, angrily so. They scream about others giving them tolerance and respect while they don’t give others such basic rights.

“If there’s Black Pride, why couldn’t there be Caucasian Pride? Gay Pride, Straight Pride.“

As I broke down in my last post, Caucasian≠white, and was first misapplied by white supremacists and popularized by actual, literal Nazis. He evidently doesn’t care, and claims I “created” it. (I can assure you, I haven’t been alive since 1785).

“Is it me, or are there actually very few good gay celebrities?”

Doesn’t like the term “lesbian” because its “image is too pornified”. As I understand it this is fairly common among those who were raised in more conservative or religious families, so it’s not an issue per se; it just becomes weird in conjunction with his wanting to be called a dyke at one point (though I can’t find the post where he said that explicitly, only ones where he describes himself as such).

Said he’d expected Ted Cruz to be a “gay prostitute” because he gave off untrustworthy vibes.

MISOGYNY

As I’m sure most of you are aware, Cybunnypoop is pro-life. From certain parties, that can be motivated by misinformation rather than misogyny (though certainly the misogyny drives that misinformation). In his case? Well, actually only about 75% misogyny. The other 25% is empathizing with fetuses just until they’re born. Idk if it’s because of his parental situation or his existential dread or what, but we’re not here to psychoanalyze him; we’re here to review.

“It’s a point which I make constantly. It’s not hard to not get pregnant. You have a variety of options. There’s birth control. There’s getting your man snipped […]. And there is one absolutely fool-proof, sperm-proof way: ABSTINENCE. It’s stupidly simple, but there are self-righteous women and men out there who say–if you’ll pardon my pun–screw that. Free sex, rah rah. But if you don’t want to “risk” a baby, don’t do the do. There are plenty more things to do in life.”

Yeah, it may be “stupidly simple” for an “asexual homosexual” but other people do, in fact, get horny. “There’s birth control.” Where? You gonna pay for it? You gonna talk their “man” into getting a vasectomy? Pay for that?

I want you all to keep in mind that this is the same person who waxed poetic about his addiction to porn. And hentai. Which he downloaded in a public library, because he was just that addicted. But if someone (god forbid) “does the do,” and their birth control fails? Well, too bad. You should have been able to control your libido.

When Trump was elected he had the following to say:

“This is a time for healing.” No, this is a time for you to suck it up. You may not have wanted this result, but I and half of the country did. So, instead of bitching and moaning and trying to undo what I and half of the country have been working hard for, you need to shut the fuck up, go to school, work, or volunteer, and stop being an intolerant, selfish, hypocritical asshole.

Frankly this could go in a lot of sections but it’s using bitch pejoratively so…

Honestly there are more instances but I feel like you get the picture and this thing is already absurdly long, so we’re going to move along.

ANTI-SEMITISM

On screenshots of a neoboard discussing the origins of the ichthys symbol (the Jesus fish), Cybunnypoop added, apropos of nothing, “Hey, how about the fact that Christianity was originally illegal while Judaism was lawful, and the early Christians had to hold some Jewish mores so they wouldn’t be arrested and executed? Interesting, isn’t it…” and tagged it “two can play at that game”.

Christians weren’t being persecuted for not being Jewish; they were being persecuted for refusing to participate in state events from which the Jews were exempt via religious tradition. Christians were too new to be considered traditional, and were therefore considered in contempt of the state when they refused to, say, make a sacrifice on behalf of the Emperor. Also, we called each other brother & sister but still got married, and spoke weekly about eating a man alive, so people were kind of concerned.

Also, like, it was an explicitly socialist religion in an empire. That was never going to end well. The “mores” they had to hold were “don’t be anti-fascist” and “stop meeting in secret, we don’t know who you are and it’s freaking us out,” neither of which is explicitly Jewish and neither of which you can blame the Jews for.

Pretty minor, but in a poorly executed attempt to be inclusive, he wished everyone a happy Easter & Passover at the same time, only to be informed that Passover wouldn’t be happening for a month. So more about the assumption that Jews are lesser Christians again than any direct hostility. Perhaps better evidence of his ignorance of Jewish customs/how to hit “search” on Google.

 ABLEISM

Here there be slurs!

Alright. We’re going to begin this with a breakdown of the “lame” issue. Here’s the thing: Cybunnypoop hates it. He compares it (ceaselessly) to the r slur, which he uses liberally in his own defense.

I’m certainly not saying it isn’t a slur, or that you should use it, but to be frank, he’s wrong.

In both severity and time in which it’s been part of the English vernacular, lame is far more akin to other ableist slurs like “dumb,” “stupid,” “moron,” “idiot,”–all words which Cybunnypoop uses on the regular. The closest comparison we have to the r slur would be “cr*ppled”–which Cybunnypoop quotes on the regular.

Dumb is the closest analogue, as those middle three weren’t really popular until the American Eugenics Movement kicked in, but hey. If it bothers him so much, why say any of them?

Simply because, it only bothers him when it affects him directly and is said by his enemy.

For example, no problem whatsoever quoting Trump’s book, Cr*ppled America.

Here he calls someone ableist scum for calling him the r slur, yet here he mocks another’s offense at the term by comparing it to modern medical jargon.

Atheists and Liberals [sic] are “dumb”

“entirely okay” with the R slur

This post, which was also in the racism section, littered with fun slurs and what’s either blatant hypocrisy (see: his regular use of words like dumb/stupid) or one of the most incredible point-dodges I’ve ever seen.

Now we get into a recurring theme, with a recurring character. The problem with most of Cybunnypoop’s legitimate criticisms (e.g. lame is a slur, accessibility is bullshit) is that they’re never even googled, let alone researched, and that they come, 9 times out of 10, at the expense of another minority. Or, through sheer ignorance, one of his own.

“Trans people get [famous trans people]. Gay people get [famous gay people]. Black people get [famous black people]. Who do I get? I get Joe Swanson.”

“While everyone’s battling over how to bend backwards and make others comfortable, I’m just sitting here, cursing out the ungrateful bastards because there are places I can’t even ACCESS. […] And never mind the fact that there is no good disabled representation out there. You know who I get to look up to? Joe frickin’ Swanson. It’s so nice to be a forgotten minority. [bolding his]

Joe Swanson, for those of you who (like me) have no idea who that is, is a character on Family Guy in a wheelchair. This begs the question: Why do you need to shit on other groups and their representation to acknowledge how bad you have it?

There are dozens of famous disabled people I can name off the top of my head. Stephen Hawking, Hellen Keller, Beethoven, Lord Byron, FDR, Frida Kahlo, Sudha Chandran, John Milton–a cursory Google search reveals even more. Saying there are no famous disabled people is a shitty fucking thing to do, both because you’re erasing their accomplishments and you’re depriving other disabled people of that representation by pretending it doesn’t exist. Spreading misinformation so you can complain that everyone else is better off than you specifically is just plain cruel.

“I’m so sick and tired of society catering to race, ethnicity, sexuality, gender, but never giving a thought to people with disabilities. We don’t get a slice of the “diversity” pie.“

Catering to. … Catering to.

“Until our society can grow to acknowledge, accept, and represent the diverse world of disabilities, then we don’t have true equality and diversity.”

Like… he could have just made a post saying this. I mean, we have diversity regardless of equality, but that’s semantics. We don’t have to tear down other minorities to be heard. There’s enough “pie” for everyone.

Society: You should accept everyone regardless of sex, culture, gender, sexuality, race, class, ethnicity, economic status Person: What about disabled people? Society: Huh?

I’m not a big fan of his little infographics, primarily because he uses them exclusively as a platform to strawman himself, but this one in particular is uh, frustrating. If he’s speaking about popular society, very few people accept all the groups he listed, particularly class/economic status. If he’s speaking about our country….

Federal protected classes include: Race, color, religion/creed, national origin/ancestry, sex, age, physical or mental disability, veteran status, genetic information, citizenship. 

It’s the same story.

WHAT YOU CAN DO:

BLOCK HIM. Do not reblog his content. Stop him preemptively from reblogging yours. Do not engage with him. 

If you try to debate him, he will probably call you a bully, and you will probably get some not-so-mysterious anons. You will definitely be unable to reach a resolution. I know of at least one individual who’s attempting to “rehabilitate” him, so I guess we’ll see how that goes? I’d be genuinely delighted.

Reblog this post if you can, to spread the word.

Educate yourself about the issues addressed in this post. If you have questions, my inbox is always open.

I am not infallible, and I will also make mistakes. Please bring these to my attention immediately and they will be addressed.

This is a much less urgent situation than the previous post, as he’s (mostly) stopped harassing people, but you have a right to be aware of whom you’re interacting with. Whether you block him or befriend him or whatever is up to you, and I hope whatever choice you make is the right choice for you.