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m00nsbaby · 8 months

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Why won't you love me?

Steven x F!Reader.

Tags & warnings. Mentions of Marc x reader, unrequited love, angst.

Word count. 2.3

Summary.

You say you can't wait and need to make a change, You told me it's so hard to be lonely. Why won't you love me? We're together, all alone tonight, So helpless from the other side, So why won't you love me? Can you tell me why, my love? Can you tell me why?

Steven really can't remember the last time he was happy.

Truly happy.

Last week, he felt joyful when he finally got a book he had been searching for a long time. This week, he watched a documentary about world history that made him smile, but he never went beyond fleeting moments of mild joy.

He knew well that joy and happiness were immensely different things.

And the thing was, Steven Grant not only carried the weight of a life filled with gaps or being Marc's protective cushion for any trauma he had to face; the universe thought it would be funny to add unrequited love to the mix.

"Hey." His stomach fluttered when you looked at him. Under his breath, he played with his sleeves that were longer than his arms.

You smiled back at him.

"Steven." You were resting on his couch after spending the night with Marc. You were wearing his t-shirt, and the neckline was so loose that he could see the marks on your neck.

His stomach churned.

"I don't know why… I thought Marc…" He stammered. "I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"Because Marc isn't here."

You laughed, but the furrowed brow in your expression revealed your confusion. Steven was used to people looking at him like that.

As if no one could understand him.

"Steven." The way your name rolled off your tongue stole his breath. "Don't apologize; it's your body too. If anything, forgive me for invading your space."

"I like having you here."

And you didn't say more; you just kept smiling and turned your attention back to the TV.

It wasn't that you didn't have affection for Steven; it was impossible not to love him, but you were aware of his feelings. You knew that if you made a wrong move, he would take it the wrong way. You would never forgive yourself for giving him false hope.

Nevertheless, he thought all night about how you let him sit next to you on the couch to eat his cereal, even allowing your feet to touch his leg.

The bond strengthened gradually, with small gestures that unfortunately never went beyond Steven's eye.

When Marc started to be in charge more often, Steven asked you in an extremely intimate way to take care of Gus now that he found it easier to lose track of time.

"You're the best." His cheeks were flushed when he handed you the chocolates with a name in a language you didn't even recognize.

"Steven, you don't have to thank me." You laughed as your arms wrapped around him for a few seconds. A friendly hug, such an immediate response that receiving a gift and thanking with a big hug seemed like muscle memory to you. "It's nothing."

Not to mention the times you organized his apartment, and more importantly, his books.

The way you cared for him and welcomed him every time your paths crossed always made him feel… important, special. Appreciated, perhaps was the word he was looking for.

Spending time with him was for you like spending time with your boyfriend's younger brother, although your time with Marc was sacred, so your encounters with Steven were very limited.

"Sorry," was the first thing he whispered as he blinked to adjust to the lighting of the place.

You and Marc had taken a nap on the carpet in your room, and your body felt numb, a switch with Steven had probably been triggered by a bad dream. His heart nearly stopped when he felt your fingers intertwined with his.

"Don't apologize, Steven," you repeated for the thousandth time, your eyes still half-closed as you stretched.

You assumed that both of you would go back to sleep when the silence lingered, but it was interrupted a few minutes later by the boy clearing his throat.

"I'm not sleepy."

And you laughed.

"Do you want to play Jenga?"

And in less than 10 minutes, both of you were sitting on the carpet, face to face with the wooden pieces in between.

"Truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Have you ever been drunk?" Yes, you had spent the same 10 minutes asking Steven how many of Marc's experiences he had lived firsthand.

There weren't many, to be honest.

"Never." And he pulled out his piece. "Truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Do you… Do you see yourself with Marc in the future?"

The question made you smile, partly out of tenderness, partly because the idea certainly caught your attention.

"Of course I do, sweetheart." Ouch.

And you pulled out your piece.

"Truth or dare?"

"Dare."

"Take a shot. Whatever you want." And it was that small action that triggered a horrible butterfly effect for Steven.

The night went well; you could safely say that you played for at least two hours because even though Steven hadn't consumed alcohol, Marc's body was more than accustomed to the delightful burn of the liquid running down his throat.

You continued until both were giggling and flushed from the warmth provided by the whiskey.

"Truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Have you kissed anyone before?"

Steven momentarily thought he hadn't heard you correctly.

"Huh?" His heart had done a 360° flip. "No, never."

And maybe it was the alcohol, but you felt disgustingly sorry for him. It wasn't fair that he was living his life this way, through someone else.

He looked at you, expectantly, as if the idea had caused one of those cartoonish lightbulbs to appear and light over your head.

You moved a bit closer to him, and he did the same, his body pushing the Jenga tower until it undid hours of work. Both of you stared at it for a few seconds before returning to what you were doing.

He was the first to close his eyes on instinct, and when he was just millimeters away, you took a moment to analyze his features.

It was fascinating how Steven and Marc looked so different even though they shared the same body. Steven's features appeared relaxed, without Marc's tense jaw or furrowed brow. Your fingers caressed his cheek, and like a puppy seeking affection, he leaned his head into your touch.

One more nudge, and you kissed his lips. Slow, soft, careful to let him set his own pace. The pace of someone who didn't know how to kiss back.

His hand, like muscle memory, went to your neck, his thumb tracing your jawline slowly, and all you could think was that no one had ever been so gentle with you. It was the slight pressure on your neck that made you react and pull away.

You did your best to forget it, but Steven thought about it every night that came after that.

Of course, after that, your relationship changed for the worse, and your encounters became even more limited by your choice.

"I saw it on my way here from work." Steven was offering you a beautiful yellow flower, one of those that seem to be taken from a magazine.

You half-smiled, taking the flower and examining it more closely.

"Thank you, Steven." There was no hug, and there probably wasn't a genuine smile.

You didn't exchange words with him for the rest of the day, but he watched from the headspace as you returned to Marc's arms when he took charge again.

That smile that was never directed at him, and that warm touch he would never feel while in control of the body.

Marc felt a lump in his throat, wondering why he suddenly felt so sentimental, without even imagining that Steven's broken heart was starting to overflow everywhere in a way that he no longer had control over.

Steven never liked being looked at with pity. That's what Marc's expression on the other side of the mirror screamed.

"I can't do anything about it, buddy."

Perhaps the most painful part of accepting his feelings for you was having to deal with the idea that Marc explained to him that it wouldn't bother him at all if he were involved in the relationship, but the problem was that you weren't interested at all.

"I don't understand." His voice choked, and Marc could only feel that pressure in his chest when you don't know how to help someone you care about. "I don't like being alone, Marc."

He finally sobbed, lowering his head and letting the tears freely run down his face.

"You're not alone, Steven."

"You know what I mean." And he did, but it was a topic he didn't even know how to address. It hurt him, but he couldn't force you to reciprocate.

In fact, he didn't even feel comfortable playing the friend who speaks well of you to matchmake. There was no way he wanted to get involved in that way.

"I love her." He whispered, his chest undergoing small contractions from the force of his tears. "I love her, Marc."

"I know." That was all he could say.

And although Marc didn't know how to comfort him, the worst part was when he was alone.

There was nothing that terrified Steven more than being alone, which is curious because most of his memories are of him being alone, except for his weekly calls to his mother.

His fingers brushed against your side of the bed as he wondered if someday he would have the privilege of being the one to wrap his arms around you to sleep. If someday he could feel your warmth closer to him than usual.

Tears never took long to come when he imagined himself in Marc's place.

This time he let them flow without protest, and all he could think was that his body was too emotionally drained to sob, scream, or do anything other than cry and hug his pillow, begging for this nightmare to end.

Would he ever have something that made him happy? Could he ever taste what emotional peace is like?

Although that distant future mattered little to him as his body curled up on the bed, exerting force on his pillow until his arms hurt. His love for you was killing him.

Or maybe, he had invested so much emotionally in you that he didn't realize he wasn't dependent on you. That if he wasn't happy like this, then something as trivial as having you wouldn't give him what he was searching for.

Life always dealt him bad hands; he had realized that a long time ago. But right now, on a Wednesday night, it only confirmed his theory of terrible luck.

Your legs were up on the couch, and the only thing illuminating the dark apartment was the TV light over both of you.

As it turned out, Marc had fallen asleep with his head in your lap. Your right hand had your fingers intertwined with his over his chest; you could comfortably feel it rise and fall with his breathing. Your left hand had been hidden in his curls for quite a while now.

Steven woke up, but he didn't open his eyes when he became aware of the situation, even though it hurt his heart.

Your fingers were so delicate that they gave him shivers, and without letting go of you, he slowly turned so that he was facing the TV. You took it as an insignificant movement; Marc always did it while he slept.

"I love you," you whispered when you felt him relax again. You placed a kiss on his shoulder and returned your attention to the screen.

Steven could only think that he didn't want the night to end. He wanted to stay there for life if that were possible.

In his throat burned the thought that it would be Marc who would wake up in that same position in a few hours, and he was terrified that this might be the most he could get from you, and he was sure that it would happen.

You didn't feel Steven's tears on you; you were too focused on the TV to think about anything other than maybe Marc was relaxed enough to drool on you.

"Can we talk?"

"I'd prefer that we didn't, Steven."

He swallowed hard, and you continued to pour your cup of coffee without looking at him.

"Please, just…"

The cup slammed onto the kitchen counter, and he jumped in surprise when you finally raised your gaze to him.

"No, Steven. There's nothing to talk about." You couldn't bear to listen to him; you had been avoiding it for a long time to avoid dealing with this.

The idea of having to finish breaking his heart made you feel like vomiting, but slowly you were starting to feel cornered by the situation.

"Don't do it, please." Your voice broke when you saw tears fill his eyes. He was trembling, and you didn't know if it was because of the multitude of emotions he had pent up inside him or if he was starting to fear your increasingly agitated reactions.

You didn't want to hurt him, but you had a limit that was slowly breaking.

"I'm not interested, Steven." He remained silent, looking at you with a pout that was probably impossible to resist. "I never was."

Maybe this was what he needed to open his eyes, to understand that you were doing this for his own good.

"I l-love you, I really do." He stammered. He had a whole list of things he wanted to say to you, but his brain simply refused to express itself confidently when he noticed how angry you seemed.

Your eyes were filled with tears now too.

"You don't, Steven." You had to take a breath to keep from shouting. "You don't even know me; we haven't even spent a full day together. Do you understand that?"

He nodded slowly. The slow movement finally allowed tears to flow freely down his face.

"I love Marc."

After those words, both Steven and you stopped hearing each other. You both muttered meaningless things while you hurried to the bedroom to get dressed, with Steven walking behind you trying to convince you.

Not having space for yourself was suffocating you, and you rushed out of the apartment, with the image of Steven, sweet, sweet Steven, crying as if he had suffered the worst loss of his life, etched in your mind.

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tricoloured-cat · 9 months

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what better way to procrastinate than to write random stuff

reviewing the works that the abilities were based on

Part 1: Armed Detective Agency

I just realized that I've finally read all the works attributed to the abilities of the author's BSD counterparts, at least for the ADA. I plan to do this for all organizations in the BSD universe so I can direct my reading and actually finish something HAHA

DISCLAIMER: I am not an expert on literature, let alone Japanese literature, and my short reviews are solely my opinion as a casual reader. These are all for fun so please don't take these so seriously!

Nakajima Atsushi Ability: Beast Beneath the Moonlight Original Work: Moon Over the Mountain

This short story has the vibes of a folktale but with existential dread sprinkled throughout. The prose is calm but the agony still reverberates. I liked this more than I though I would, perhaps because of how clean it felt. Honestly this would be one of the OG works I'd recommend to a BSD fan who wants to try classic Japanese literature.

Dazai Osamu Ability/Original Work: No Longer Human

This is probably the one novel/work most BSD fans would pick up first - and for a good reason. The themes are pretty universal albeit heavy, the tone of the narrator throughout the entire novel is gripping, the translation by Donald Keene is very readable, and it's just in the most general sense a summary of Dazai-sensei's own life. The last point must be taken with a grain of salt, however, as he's a master liar - something you'll find out if you dig more into his life and other works. If you'd like to see depression in book form, this is for you.

Kunikida Doppo Ability: Doppo Poet Original Work: Doppo Collection (probably)

Here's a case of "I can't really find the original work so I'll be reviewing something else instead"

Reviewing: Those Unforgettable People

I chose to talk about this one since it's the one found in the Penguin Anthology. It's an interesting mix of forms: technically, it's a short story. However, the elements of poetry and even of the essay are present - mostly the latter, tbh. Of course the whole "ideal" thing is such a Kunikida-sensei thing that it appears it almost every story he wrote, yet somehow in this one you'll have to squint a little bit more to see it. The point of this story-essay-poem thing is at the very end (the first half is quite dragging imo) is what gives it a little oomph, but honestly I much prefer his other works (specifically Old Gen and Death).

Tanizaki Jun'ichirou Ability/Original Work: Sasameyuki

You like a slow burn? You like pain? Familial drama? Maybe you'll like this. Maybe you won't. It's a mammoth of a book that feels like a series of extremely detailed telenovela episodes - not that it's necessarily a bad thing. I enjoyed it despite the length because the way it ends, although hardly strong at all, ties the themes and messages of the novel cleanly into a single scene.

Miyazawa Kenji Ability/Original Work: Be Not Defeated by the Rain

It's a poem every Japanese elementary student would know. The message and style is so simple yet beautiful (I read Sulz's translation). It's joyful and so sunny... until I read the background on it. I cried over his work. Again. (Night on the Galactic Railroad PLS) Man I just love this author so much. But I'm not really a poem person to begin with, so take this review with a grain of salt HAHA

Yosano Akiko Ability/Original Work: Thou Shalt Not Die

The only complete translation I could find is written in painfully archaic English, so I won't comment on the style HAHA. But I do think the original was just as pointed in its words and message; its anti-war sentiments and middle finger to the Japanese emperor and military (at the time) so characteristically Yosano-sensei. It's sad she'd support WW2 later on - come on sensei WHY

Personally, however, I prefer her shorter poems, specifically the ones from River of Stars. But I'm not really a poem person to begin with, so take this review with a grain of salt HAHA

Izumi Kyouka Ability: Demon Snow Original Work: Demon Pond

It's been a while since I've read a play, and perhaps that's why I had a hard time getting through the first half - either that or it was quite lackluster as most of the actual story happens in the second half. Its influences from folktales and traditional Japanese theater (i.e. kabuki and noh) are very apparent - I wish I could have seen it instead of read it because of that. I think this is the first work of Kyouka's that I actually liked (I've read some of his short stories and one of his other plays) so I'll definitely recommend this one if you want to start with this author. There's also a movie adaptation of it that I haven't watched yet (but I do plan to). I think it could be much better than just reading it as is because of the visuals and mood setting, but a review on that soon. Maybe.

Fukuzawa Yukichi Ability: All Men Are Created Equal Original Work: An Encouragement of Learning (Sec. 1-2)

I couldn't be bothered to read the whole thing, but the essence of the ability only comes from the first two sections (which I'll be reviewing).

It's an essay that imo serves as a good introduction to Fukuzawa's philosophy. His views and arguments are built primarily on morality with logic acting mostly as a way to expound on his points. It's interesting, nothing really new for a contemporary reader, but at least it gives a nice background on the changing environment during the early years of Meiji-era Japan. Of course there are personal biases here (specifically the one with China - one of the greatest criticisms against Fukuzawa, even though he was supposedly progressive for his time) but imo that reflects some views of many Japanese at the time - not that they're right, of course.

But what about our special non-gifted boi?

I guess let's look at what one of the episodes was based on instead lol

Edogawa Ranpo Episode: The Murder on D. Street (S01E05) Original Work: The Case on D. Hill

I will tell you now: they have almost NO similarities whatsoever. Doesn't mean it's bad tho...

Okay ngl I was pretty disappointed HAHA. It's the same type of disappointment I had with Poe's Murders on the Rue Morgue (which was ironically referenced in the story) but it at least had some sense to it. I blame myself for not seeing it coming tho, given that this story is very typical of Edogawa-sensei. If you do plan to read it, however, be warned that there are implicit (?) themes that may be uncomfortable for some readers (this warning applies to most of Edogawa-sensei's work not made specifically for children HAHA).

#bsd #japanese literature #dazai osamu #nakajima atsushi #kunikida doppo #edogawa ranpo #yosano akiko #miyazawa kenji #fukuzawa yukichi #tanizaki junichirou #izumi kyouka

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pink-fleure · 26 days

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My take on Harumi part 1

Let's start with her name. Jade is not really canon, but Harumi is a japanese name meaning "spring beauty". The picture she has with her parents on some fesitival was taken in spring as the blossoming cherry petals are falling around. Spring is associated with her younger persona. Then she never uses her name again in her evil schemes, she goes by The Quiet One, Kabuki Mask, Crystal King's Messenger showing that she distances herself from who she was as a child, cause she's dead. The person that trusted ninja so much and was so joyful and hopeful is dead (or so she thinks).

We have young Harumi (or a minifigure that looks like her) in that one Nya's vision/dream, but there's a lot of focus on her specifically, so i like to headcanon it as canon and assume that before they moved to the city, her dad was working at the rice fields and then got a better job in Ninjago City. Maybe the village she attacked with Garmadon was her first home... It's nice that it's Nya because in her diary (the book called Garmadon Rulez), Harumi wrote that it's a shame that she won't have her as one of the Sons of Garmadon so she still kind of liked her i guess and she wrote (if i well remember) that Nya didn't really do anything to her but she's a ninja so she have to be destroyed (something like that idk)

Harumi idolises Ninja. She wants to be like them when she grow up. She trusts them. She feels safe. Maybe it's because she saw Nya in action. As a Samurai but still. First time she has the figures it's after that so who knows... (the idea of the ninja existed long time before they appeared, so that's why she's able to have the figures, while they're not that known)

Then the Devourer attacks and her parents die. She's 9 years old for me here. She's a child. Kids are much more guillable. First thing she hears is that the ninja didn't help, and that Garmadon is a true hero. That's what she believes from now on. And also she wrote that she saw Lloyd in action and he was a helpless child, destroying the way she viewed the ninja before. They are some unskilled kids for her now.

Kids are also more prone to be jealous (we see it with Jordana too), especially if they are sure that they can do something better, the world just underestimates them.

Harumi doesn't think of Lloyd as worthy of the Green Ninja title as well as Garmadon's child/heir.

And here he is flying around the city on a dragon, greeted by his crowd of fans. Here he is having new shiny family. Everything that she had and wanted to have is now his. He lives her dream even tho he was the one who failed and who released the snakes (she get to know about this later). The world is unfair. The world function in the wrong way. He took these things from her.

Harumi also doesn't feel safe. Her parents that believed in good are gone. So they were wrong. The good isn't enough for it to be peace. Her hero is considered "bad" and then he becomes good. As we read he visites the palace to beg for forgivness. Harumi throws her Garmadon merch away. She's furious, but she's also scared. She's a child and there's nobody left to truly protect her.

Emperor and empress, they talk about her more like a heir to the throne than like an actual child. I think they did care for her to some extent, but they grew up in the palace, their perception of parenting and marriage was different. And she feels it, she wrote that she knows that they don't love her which is so heart-breaking when you remember how young she is. They also could've adopted her for their reputation. You know, Harumi felt used. Her tragedy was used for them to be told that they are so great, since they decided to give home for the child that just lost everything in previous attack. They care for their people so much.

They also wanted to arrange her marriage, they wanted to control everything about her. And she had to listen. They isolated her. She couldn't leave the palace. Her whole live was in their hands. She couldn't bond with anyone her age, she was probably recieving a different education than her peers, she was a princess after all. And they neglected her need for attention and affection. And all that she should do was sitting still and looking pretty. They even made her change her hair color, so she could look more like them, which might've made her feel even more unwanted as a person she already was. Her lack of control over any aspect of her life, including her not feeling safe, cause her hero is gone, makes her crave it desperately.

The royals were also on ninjas side. The good side. Which made her hate them even more. The world blocked her. She was stuck in her quiet despair. And nobody listened. Nobody cared. Nobody told her that what she's thinking is wrong so she only went deeper and deeper into her delusion.

And the world was cheereing for people that did this to her. She wanted revenge.

She also saw Garmadon as her father figure. She felt more worthy than Lloyd to call him father. She was a child of course she yearned for a parental figure. She needed someone to protect her. He was perfect to play that role. His evil version. Cause she believed the good is too weak. She got unhealthy attached to her version of him, leading to her obsession. Later she wants to control him too, she'd rather like him as a toll in her hands than an actual person. She feels safer this way. She believes that Ninjago needs a strong leader, that will keep it in order.

Hutchins gave her the diary, for her to write it all down, he also was the one whom she learned the spider lullaby from. That also inspired her plan later. But he's still listening to the royals, and then he is very close to discovering her plan, so she decides that they should murder him too.

After Garm has his redemption arc she decides that there is no longer any hope for her, so she tries to live the way, her new parents want her to. Until one day she hears the mask speaking to her in Garmadon's voice. She needs to learn more, so she reads a lot and even visites Mistake, asking her to tell her the story of the Oni and the Dragon, lying that it's for school project.

When she finds out that Lloyds the one that released the serpentine, of course she's even more pissed of, but she does not mention it while they were fighting in the cave as one of her motives.

Maybe him doing something "evil" was actually something she considered powerful, not to ruin her perception of "good" and "evil", and she's more furious at the fact that he couldn't control it later, what shows his "weakness".

Harumi sneaks out of the palace, wanting to taste freedom by ordering garlic noodles, that were forbidden for her as they were causing a bad breath. That would be a scandal for the princess.

Harumi also claimed before that she likes cats and ice cream. (She's defo a cat person, just look at her). She also likes Lloyd golden suit more, when he was in green, she once called him a frog. Mocking practiacally everything that he does, showing how much she actually despise him. The way she speaks of him is truly concerning.

She is also interested in the current events that the ninja are taking part in. It may be just her obsessing over them (in the bad way), but it also shows her interest in the way the city functions. That makes me wonder if emperor and empress wanted to also use her to get back the political impact that the royals lost overtime.

She creates Sons of Garmadon. The people she works with are only strengthening her believes. Even tho she is closer with some members, she has to remain a strong leader in their eyes, so there is no way that she would open up to anybody about how her past experiences truly affected her. She only dwells in her hatred towards the ninja, the royals and the way the world works. She is slowly going insane day by day.

She does want peace and for the city to be safe, and to "return it to it's former glory", but she isn't able to see that actually, the only person she wants to make feel alright again is herself. This is showed more in crystalized. She just needs something to delue herself into thinking that she's doing the right thing, to be able to achive her goals at any cost. Even if it's innocents lives. After all everyone that is not with her is against her. And only her ways are rightful. She will be slowly blocking her conscience and empathy. But it's still there and it will appear again when she'll actually experience the consequences of her own actions.

#harumi jade #ninjago harumi #ninjago #lord garmadon #garmadon ninjago #royal family ninjago #hutchins ninjago

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rollforjackass · 9 months

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like on a couple levels, in terms of the metatron having bad intentions, the coffee theory has something to it. BUT NOT BECAUSE AZIRAPHALE'S BEEN POISONED/MAGICALLY MANIPULATED/REPLACED, OKAY. here's the breakdown of the major points imo:

aziraphale doesn't drink coffee, why would the metatron bring him coffee & why would he drink it?

because the metatron doesn't fucking care what aziraphale wants or likes. it's just that simple. he came to the bookshop to make an offer, and to get that offer accepted. he brought the coffee to prove that he means well, that his intentions are good, and that aziraphale is worth a gesture of generosity from the voice of the almighty. he wants aziraphale to feel appreciated, but he doesn't give a shit enough to bring something aziraphale would actually like, and he didn't stop badgering until aziraphale accepted it in a way that could not be taken back, i.e. drinking it. if aziraphale has taken a sip, then he's already accepted that he will hear the metatron out. it's pure lip service and manipulation.

2. the time jump between aziraphale very clearly saying "i don't want to go back to heaven" and "tell your friend the good news". why would the metatron be so sure he changed his mind in that time?

my theory is that the metatron's proposal to reinstate crowley as an angel was double-sided, and we only saw the first half of the proposal. my theory is that the offer was actually "we can bring crowley back as an angel with you, or we'll have to scrub him from the book of life completely so we don't risk you pulling a gabriel." i mean, it makes sense, right? heaven just lost their number one guy to his attachment to a demon he's spent 6000 years arguing with, why chance it a second time? the metatron wants aziraphale to accept that offer because heaven is in shambles, and he knows it won't be accepted if things are left as they currently are on earth, with aziraphale able to simply say "nah" and come back home anytime. an ultimatum like that is the only way to fly.

it's also a no-loss scenario, because you can bank on aziraphale, as someone who cares about crowley and who wouldn't ever want to threaten him into doing something he doesn't want to do, only wanting to tell crowley the first part. he wasn't there for the hellfire, remember? he might not even think it's a genuine threat, not worth repeating, especially if he's confident that crowley would choose to go with him rather than be separated. my theory is that aziraphale was trying to protect crowley by going balls-to-the-wall company man, and that his "i need you" was especially motivated by terror at the thought of losing him, terror that became more and more real as he started to lose confidence in his ability to convince crowley to be an angel again. (as a lot of folks who grew up in very manipulative households could tell you, me included, you can teach yourself to dismiss the severity of a threat from someone you believe loves you while also emotionally reacting to it.)

3. that smile in the elevator during the credits was NOT an aziraphale smile like ANY of the smiles we've seen from him before. not painfully polite, not genuinely joyful, in fact it was downright sinister.

i think that if we go with the theory that the metatron threatened crowley to get aziraphale to agree to come back, aziraphale won't let that shit stand. especially seeing how badly crowley reacted to the idea of becoming an angel again? to aziraphale going back? especially after that kiss?

if he's going up there to make heaven worthy of crowley, to make things better, then that means doing something about the people like uriel who relish the thought of turning innocent people into pillars of salt. the people like michael who hypocritically consort with demons and place their position on the corporate ladder above all else. the people like the metatron, who have access to the book of life and full willingness to use it. i think that's a smile that means aziraphale is about to start a war of his own, and make everything up to crowley as best he can by ensuring that crowley will never have to fear for his own existence again.

(of course, whether that's what crowley would want is something we already know the answer to. crowley wants aziraphale. danger and all.)

#obviously this is all throwing shit at the wall and seeing what sticks #and i LOVE how creative some folks have been (the CYANIDE THEORY w/ the doses of almond being changed is fucking BRILLIANT)#but i do think this is a bad choice born of an existence of manipulation and good intentions #and i do think it would make sense for aziraphale to be holding back the fact that heaven is Threatening crowley #if he's gonna try to convince crowley to Come Back to the place threatening him #(even if it also means crowley can't see that aziraphale's reasons are all because he loves crowley too)#anyway we have like 3 years so all theories are valid and i'm enjoying reading every single one of them #sobbing into my mug of cocoa as i am #good omens spoilers #go2 spoilers #coffee theory #good omens speculation #good omens #aziraphale

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fandomfrenzy625 · 1 year

Text

Christmas special

this story and others can be found on my books “the tokoyamiverse” on wattpad but I was so proud of this chapter I wanted to share it :)

(yes the main star is tokoyami)

Tokoyami gazed outside where white flakes fell from the sky and down onto where green grass was now smothered with the reflective and fluffy pieces of the cold sky

although the Christmas break was meant to be a festive time he never was one to get into the mood

don't get him wrong he enjoyed spending time with his classmates and little Eri celebrating the joyful time

eating gingerbread cookies, dressing up the tree, throwing snowballs (which Darkshadow may or may not have gotten too into with the bakusquads hair still being filled with snow)

yes he has had a fun time, even with the cold getting worse and worse, he and asui making themselves home in shoji's hammock of hands when it got too cold

unfortunately, everything good had come to an end when they were told to leave to spend time with family

Tokoyami had asked if they were allowed to stay on the behalf of Dark shadows curiosity but Aizawa said since all teachers and staff were going home they wouldn't due to security

so it was back to...

Tokoyami waved everyone off as they made their way home, allowing each hug as it came his way, once being swung around in a bone-crushing hug by both Denki and Mina, they enjoyed embarrassing him, yet he couldn't help but laugh at their antics

once he bid his farewells he picked up his bags and began walking

slowly making his way into the forest where a desolate little cabin laid

it was his and his grandfathers, "away from all the ruckus" he used to say when he was brought to live with him

he had so many fond memories of his grandfather, he had taught him discipline and kindness, showing him as they took care of all the animals and taught him how to read and write

but now, his criminal parents were his only family

his grandfather was 97 when he passed, he was 10

his grandfather said not to bother with a funeral, to only be burned and his ashes to be planted in the soil of their favourite tree where they spent many hours reading stories

it was a lot for a 10-year-old, but an old friend of theirs before he died agreed to help the raven with that final wish

he also told him to never tell anyone of his passing, except for the old friend who also had promised to never tell fumikage of anyone, as he knew had only had a few last days left in the world

as cruel as it sounded the grandfather did it with good intentions, not wanting the little raven to be taken back to his parents or anyone else, having a horrible experience with orphanages and "fake families" as he called him exploring him simply for money,

he wouldn't have that for his grandson he used to declare

and so with the knowledge, he had gained and with darkshadow, they learned to live independently

gathering only essentials but heating and electricity was never to be used, fearing he would be caught without parental supervision and taken back

water being caught from the wells but the food he needed to go to the supermarket

and that's where he saw it

the advert for U.A highschool

he knew there were heroes, every kid knew, but to become one he never really knew the details of

but in his mind heroes didn't get taken away, they save people and were free!

darkshadow wouldn't stop pestering me since

and then, well, you know the rest

and yet after all of that

he found himself back in this cabin where the only thing that remained was dead memories

"Well, merry Christmas" Darkshadow grumbled jealously

"oh hush, we need to get food and hang the blankets before it gets too dark" Tokoyami grumbled as he dumped his bags

they would collect their money from the bank the only parental love he was given by his parents

he remembered one night in weakness he went to try and see them, and they wanted absolutely nothing to do with them, not out of protectiveness to keep tokoyami away from prison life, but just because they never wanted him

he never did try again

so he grabbed the money and went on his way without a second thought

2 weeks, and then they could leave once more, if they were lucky the snow wouldn't fall too heavy and the extra blankets he brought would keep him warmer-

the door was open

Tokoyami halted and the dark shadow growled

they never left the door unlocked, and they knew wildlife could never make the door gap that wide

"Intruders" Darkshadow continued to growl

"be on the guard" Tokoyami ordered, could just be a homeless person who found the cabin when they left, he had to fend off back before going to U.A, but that had been only a couple

so with a shakey breath with darkshadow covering his body he stepped in to see what had gotten in

but what he saw was something he never saw coming

there standing in the living room was his homeroom teacher and mentor

"Mr Aizawa, Hawks" Tokoyami greeted hesitantly, the shock still leaving his body

"Tokoyami" Aizawa greeted with his usual tone

the silence between the two parties was deafening

"What are you two doing here?" Tokoyami continued with unease, wondering if it was too late to run

"I'd ask the same but I fear I already know the answer" Aizawa stated as he looked around the cabin

"kid, be honest with us when I ask this" Hawks said softly as he began walking to the raven, placing his hands on the raven's shoulders as he saw him try to back away

"Are you homeless?" Hawks asked

Tokoyami couldn't help but roll his eyes, he knew what it looked like, but it was more complicated like that, his situation just being pushed into a simple and single category didn't sit well in his stomach

"no this is my home" Tokoyami answered as he swatted the hero's hands of

"ok, but where are your parents" Aizawa interjected

Now that was what caused tokoyami's heart to jolt, knowing any answer was going to lead to more questions about his "home life"

so he decided to simply tell the truth

"they're in prison, I used to live with my grandfather before he died, I was 10 and I've been living here since" Tokoyami announced, unable to keep his emotions from building, dark shadow would have been growing if Aizawa wasn't keeping an eye on him

he spouted all this information because he just wanted this investigation to be over with, he hated being reminded of his past, but what was the point in keeping it secret anymore, he was officially caught

and now it was up to the heroes he both admired and at this very moment, feared

"all right, grab your stuff, we're leaving" Aizawa announced before seeing the fearful look in his student's eyes

"you're not in trouble and you're not going to be expelled, but we want to find you a more suitable place for you to live, we don't want you freezing in this weather, no matter how long you've been living as this" Aizawa finished with a calmer and reassuring tone, hoping that they wanted what was best for the raven

Tokoyami merely nodded as Hawks lead him out with a kind hand on his shoulder and Aizawa was the one to take his bags

"Please, we don't want to go into a home, our grandfather-" Darkshadow began to cry before being patted by his host and telling him to be quiet, even if the two heroes defiantly heard it

"Can I ask, how did you find me?" the raven asked to try and distract them from his quirks outburst

"I've been suspicious of your homelife for a while now, why they never came to parents' evenings and the signature to be living at the dorms looked a bit too familiar, I alerted hawks who after talking with you was also suspicious" Aizawa answered as they were being lead to a little black car

Tokoyami nodded as he entered the car, they said he wasn't in trouble but he felt like a fugitive being taken in

"where are we going?" Tokoyami asked as he continued to pet his host's head to calm both of them down

"We're going to Aizawa's, the guy has a spare room, which is more than me sleeping on my company sofa" Hawks answered, using humour to cover his real worries, it was much too close to his home situation and for his little chick to go through anything like that just broke his heart

he wanted to ask the raven a question but he needed to get things ready first

Tokoyami merely nodded once more

"kid, you're not in trouble ok, we just want to keep you safe" Hawks tried to persuade, he knew tokoyami tended to get in his head

"you two are mad with me" Tokoyami mumbled, feeling like he was a little kid who had just smashed a window of their home and their mum ready to scold them for a lifetime

"we're not mad tokoyami, we are upset you didn't say anything sooner but we understand in cases we understand it can be difficult to trust others with personal life" Aizawa assured with understanding

"But we do trust you" Darkshadow whispered with a whimper

Hawks merely pulled the kid into a side hug, deciding they didn't want to push the raven anymore

the ride continued in silence until they finished at their destination

Tokoyami hesitantly grabbed his bags as he was led inside, hawks still at his side, continuing to provide comfort which dark shadow doted on as she left their head on hawks

when they entered they were greeted by the warmth of an indoor fireplace and the smell of gingerbread, along with a familiar and positive figure

"Hey guys, don't mind I just need to finish these off" President Mic commented happily as he continued to string something in a bowel before quickly going back into the kitchen

when tokoyami looked at his homeroom teacher, Aizawa was giving him a nod meaning that the loud cockatoo already knew what they were planning

so instead they went into the living room until he was ready which luckily wasn't for long

"all right, ready now" President Mic agreed as he sat down

"Right, so first tokoyami, we've talked and if you're ok with it we wish for you to spend the Christmas break with us until we find you a proper home that you will be comfortable with"

Tokoyami didn't know how to respond

"that's too generous of you I can't-" Tokoyami began to panic with emotion before the voice of a little girl from the corridor

"Tokoyami's staying for Christmas?" Eri whispered with excitement

the little head of a silver-haired girl was seen looking in with curiosity

"sweetie, I asked you to give us a second" Mic sighed

"I'm sorry" Eri apologised

regardless Aizawa still allowed her to walk in, allowing her to sit on his lap

"but are you?" Eri asked Tokoyami with a look of hopefulness

the raven was still unsure, hating to be a burden, especially with it being so close to Christmas, Eri's first proper Christmas

but observing the encouraging smiles from the heroes and Eri and even the voice of dark shadow he sighed

"I would be honoured to be allowed to spend Christmas with you" Tokoyami bowed as he gave his answer

"glad to hear it, now Eri can you help Mic with those cookies while we help Tokoyami get his stuff sorted," Aizawa asked Eri who nodded just as excitedly

the three figures watched the two leave with a fond smile before making their way to the spare room giving him a quick tour of the house before telling him to make himself comfortable

the best that he could at least with what he brought

all he did bring was blankets and clothes and the food he had recently bought, not that any could be heated

(no wonder he was so skinny when he first came) Aizawa couldn't help as he put the food to the side, the raven agreed he was ok with them putting it in the cupboards

hawks promised to bring the pictures around the home from the cabin, everything else that was in the cabin had already been brought to the room in the dorms, and hawks agreed to bring some important stuff like his laptop

"Hawks" Tokoyami announced as he finished hanging up his clothes

"yeah, little chick?" Hawks answered, tokoyami had given up on the winged hero in calling him that, he just wouldn't

"When you go to the cabin, would you just take picture of a tree, it's the third one behind, it's just important" tokoyami requested bashfully, to which the winged hero nodded

"course kid, oh speaking of I gotta get going, or else Rudolph's nose starts glowing bright red" Hawks laughed as it was clear he was commenting about endeavour who was banned from the Christmas festivities

"bye," Aizawa said with no emotion

"don't sound too sad, I'll be back soon," Hawks said sarcastically

"cya kid, keep talking k" Hawks finished saying bye, making sure to get a yes from the raven before exiting from the window

Tokoyami stared out of the window before a voice from downstairs alerted them

"tea time!" Mic shouted

Tokoyami and Aizawa subconsciously looked at one another before making themselves downstairs

tokoyami did his best to make himself useful by asking if they wished him to put the cutlery down and plates but was quickly ushered to the table and for them to handle the rest, keeping Eri company as she drew

"what are you drawing eri?" Tokoyami asked, not wanting to feel awkward

"a Christmas tree" Eri announced as she showed off her drawing

"pretty" Darkshadow complimented

"thank you, would you like to draw?" Eri offered

Tokoyami shook his head but Darkshadow happily agreed as they grabbed a sheet of paper and a crayon

"maybe wait until after tea, it's being dished up"

"aww, fine" Darkshadow groaned

Eri laughed as she patted the quirk's head, quickly getting rid of their bad mood as the teachers came back with food on plates

gathering the scattered paper and colours away the group sat down to eat

it was ramen with chicken broth, dumplings, green onions, an egg and chicken

Tokoyami took a moment to stare, it looked breathtakingly delicious, but he always had problems eating ramen due to his beak

Aizawa must have seen his unease as he quickly put two and two together

"would you like a spoon, we also have straws" Aizawa offered

"I would appreciate that, yes please" Tokoyami agreed gratefully

"oh shoot, sorry, forgot about the whole beak thing" Mic stated with an awkward laugh as he rushed to the cupboards, finding a spoon for his ramen and even bringing a straw for his water, it may have been a curly straw but tokoyami would much rather that then dribble in front of his hosts

"thank you, sir" Tokoyami thanked as he received the offerings

the rest of the dinner was surrounded by a comfortable aura

Mic and Eri talked about what she had been up to today and told Aizawa and tokoyami who decided to simply listen, they were not really in a talkative mood, and darkshadow sometimes commented on the conversation

leaving tokoyami to also get lost in his head, unable to believe what he was in the middle of, as a little kid he's wished for a normal family life like this, and yet he couldn't let himself enjoy it

he knew it was temporary, everything always was, after these two weeks they won't have to be as compassionate as they were taking him in and he'll find himself alone once again, at least he had darkshadow, perhaps it was the universe's small mercy for all that he experienced

"tokoyami?" a voice called his name

Tokoyami was brought back to reality once more by the sound of his teacher

"you doing all right there kiddo, you haven't touched much of your food," Mic asked with concern

"worry not sir, lost in thought, I apologise" Tokoyami whispered meekly as he stared at the ramen, it looked tasty but thinking about eating was making him stressed

"you don't have to finish it all if you're full" Eri assured, remembering what Aizawa and Mic told her when she first came to their home

Tokoyami nodded, he had gotten better at eating since he got to U.A, Shoji sato, koda and Asui made sure of that, but he still had a way to go

"we'll save it for when you're hungry tomorrow, but tonight if you do get hungry we have plenty of snacks in the cupboard" Mic assured as he and Aizawa began to put the plates to the side to wash

Tokoyami once more offered to help and this time Mic agreed, sensing that the raven wanted to "earn" his stay, not that the teacher would do such a thing, but he believed that it might make him feel better

tokoyami was just given the role to wash the plates and Aizawa dried and put them in the right area, so tokoyami could also see where everything went

afterwards, they needed to get Eri to bed and themselves but told tokoyami that he could watch some tv quietly downstairs if he wasn't tired

Tokoyami appreciated the thought but after a day like he said he'd just go to bed

he got his usual plain black pj's on and till everyone had finished with the bathroom, he didn't like brushing his teeth publicly with how his beak and teeth made it harder than needed

after all of that, the lights were turned off ready for bed

all except for the ravens

one because he didn't wish darkshadow to go rampant in his teacher's home, he'd hate himself to make any damage with how hospitable they were being to him, in the cabin he didn't mind if darkshadow became rampant, at least he'd know he wasn't alone, that's why he intentionally forgot his nightlight to calm the beast

but also because despite everything today threw at him, he wasn't tired

he was anxious and nervous and scared

he was so lost, they had no idea of what his teachers were planning and where he would end up

he hated feeling out of control

so in a hazy mind, he decided to bring that control back

looking to the window and outside he began to think

(no one would know, no one was awake and no one would see us leave)

Darkshadow gave out a whine of displeasure but he couldn't think straight, he just didn't want to end up somewhere, where they would be-

Tokoyami didn't finish the thought as he decided

going to the window he opened it fully, telling darkshadow to use a black fallen angel to give flight in the night

only for a little voice to stop them in their tracks

"Tokoyami"

looking behind them was little Eri, once more peaking in with a worried look

"oh, Eri, what are you doing awake?" Tokoyami questioned as darkshadow instantly unwrapped around his host and pay attention to the little horned girl

"I was thirsty and I thought you'd be cus, you like the dark and the night is dark"Eri mumbled as she looked down to the two glasses filled with water, one once more with a curly straw

tokoyami couldn't help but chuckle at that logic as he rested back on the bed

"you've got a very impressive deducible and kind mind" Tokoyami complimented, earning Eri to laugh as he took the glass carefully, she always said Tokoyami had a funny way of talking, like midoriya but slower and the words were even longer

"are you going to fly?" Eri asked as she remember seeing what the raven was doing as she entered

"That was the plan" Tokoyami sighed as he was about to close the window, the anxiety filling his body had begun to lower, but the feeling of fear still lingered, perhaps on the second time he wouldn't be caught so easily he thought only for Eri to climb on his bed

"Could you please take me with you?" Eri asked with an excited smile and gleaming eyes

"you wish to be one with the wind," Tokoyami asked with confusion

luckily Eri was slowly understanding what tokoyami was saying

"yes please, it looks like fun and Deku always says how cool it is to see you fly and always mumbles when he sees you fly" Eri confirmed with an explanation

Tokoyami smiled, Eri was slowly getting out of her shell and being more expressive and interested, but he was confused with the midoriya part, why would someone as great as he is in awe as someone like him

Tokoyami shook his head, he wasn't going to go down that path with little eri in the room

"very well, but get your coat and gloves and warmest shoes, don't wish you to catch a cold so close to Christmas" Tokoyami agreed to earn a giggle as she nodded and walked out to grab her outfit

leaving tokoyami to think once more

perhaps he was foolish to think like that, he had just instructed Eri to be better prepared when he was ready to fly off in simply his nightwear, and thinking further he'd have to go back to U.A to fulfil his dream, his teacher would pick him out, and even if he did decide to run away from U.A, there would be an army of heroes on his tail, he just saw how easy it was for Aizawa and hawks to track him to his home, what was going to stop them from doing it again

they did care if they went to see him in the meer assumption that his homelife wasn't to their standard

it made tokoyami want to cry, why did he have to be such a nuisance to everyone around him, why did they care for someone that not even their parents wanted, he wasn't special he was

"tokoyami can you please help zip my coat," Eri's voice asked as she re-entered the room

he was so distracted he didn't even notice, not the best choice for a hero

regardless he still smiled at the ray of sunshine and did as she asked

"Where are your warm winter things?" Eri asked with concern for the raven

warm things were expensive, even in U.A he had to be careful of what to buy, especially after spending huge amounts to even go to U.A, everything "expensive" in his room like the sword was a family heirloom, and even if he could make some money of it he wouldn't, he wouldn't be able to forgive himself

"ah yes one-moment" tokoyami excused himself as he found the only fluffy thing he had, his coat

"what about your gloves and scarf?" Eri questioned almost like a scolding mother

"my feathers keep my head warm and with gloves I need to make sure I can hold you properly when we're flying" Tokoyami answered honestly, thanking his bird genetics for again that one small mercy

Eri nodded but jogged off to another room

Tokoyami was a little worried, with all the noise being made he was sure Aizawa or Mic would pick up on it

was this even a good idea, bringing their daughter out in the middle of the night for a random midnight flight

oh god he didn't get their permission

he was going to be thrown to the nearest home as soon as possible

darkshadow watched his host with deep concern, the anxiety levels kept rising and falling and he was sure this rate he was going to go into a panic attack

the quirk was doing its best to stop exploiting fumikages vulnerability for power but the rise in emotion was making it more difficult, she tried getting the raven's attention each time and telling him it was going to be ok, but it seemed like he couldn't hear them

Eri came back in with a scarf in hand

and either to complete obliviousness or strategic thinking put the scarf in the raven's hands to bring him back to reality

which once more to dark shadows relief had worked

"dad says it's too dangerous to leave without a scarf, and I don't want you to get sick so close to Christmas" Eri explained as she used the raven's words against him

"well said" tokoyami laughed lowly as he patted the girl's head affectionately before tying the scarf around him

"ok, we'll start low and work ourselves higher, but anytime you feel like you want to go down or a little lower just tell me ok" Tokoyami instructed as he wanted to ensure Eri's safety and wellbeing

Eri nodded affirmatively as she allowed herself to be picked up by the raven and dark shadow, hands and claws holding her closely and supportively

stepping out the window tokoyami gained their position keeping a sturdy ground until it was time to take off

...

Eri gazed in wonderment as the wind licked her face and they became airborne

"woooooahhh" Eri gasped as tokoyami gained a steady speed and into the streets and very soon the town

the lights twinkling past, sparkling golds, emerald greens, ruby reds, icy whites and electric blues all dazzling in her eyes

"Are you ok Eri?" Tokoyami asked with concern

"this is amazing" Eri exclaimed with joy

"wish to go higher?" he asked

"yes please" Eri agreed

thank god for hawks flying permit to go as high as he wished when joining the agency

and so they went higher and higher, each time Eri getting more and more excited as she could make out what the lights were trying to make a pattern

tokoyami loved hearing Eri's gasps of excitement, with how many years without making a noise of such joy made it more worthwhile when she did

but she wouldn't be so joyful if she got too tired to enjoy it as he saw the clock become midnight

"all right Eri, I believe it's time to get back" Tokoyami stated as he began to swirl back to where they came from

when no answer came tokoyami became worried

"Eri?" tokoyami questioned as quickly flew back down to the surface

"is she ok?" Darkshadow asked with concern

tokoyami observed, only to see a little smile followed by tiny snores

"she's good, must have fallen asleep" Tokoyami whispered as relief filled his body

"We should be too" Darkshadow murmured as he felt feel tired and thus themselves

"agreed, luckily I remember there's a shop todoroki took us to once that was close

"yeah the 6th in the culdesac, number 25" Darkshadow reminded

thanks to their hero training and bird genetics he'd grown to have a well-developed memory

and so tokoyami with Eri's hand was brought back to the sky and back to the house, flying low so as not to disturb Eri's blissful sleep

Memory had proven right as they entered the window once more, stepping carefully and quietly since it was 1 in the morning, walking into Eri's room which was filled with whites and reds, a table of drawings and hairclips covering the surface and a plush little bed where tokoyami placed the sleeping one, quickly removing the shoes and winter wear so she didn't get uncomfortable or overheated in the night, covering the kitty styled PJ's with kitty covered bedding

"good night little goddess" Tokoyami whispered fondly as he left the child to rest and closed the door slightly so she still had some comforting light

satisfied tokoyami crept back to the spare room and kicked off his shoes and coat, covering his bedding with his favourite blanket and did his best to block out the light, a reminder to himself to ask if he could get his nightlight from school, perhaps text hawks, he didn't know when he was going so it would be best to remind him

he allowed these notes to fill his mind as he fell into a deep sleep, darkshadow wrapping around him like a cat upon his chest

...

"breakfast!" the loud Mic screamed as he woke the raven to a startle

he had to take a moment to remember where he was before remembering the events of yesterday

"you ok fumi?" Darkshadow asked as his worry continued to increase for her host

"I'm all right" Tokoyami sighed as he rubbed his feathers

only to remember he forgot something very important

"dammit!" tokoyami groaned, placing his head back into his pillow

"we forgot feather gel, didn't we" darkshadow chuckled, his form not being affected by the loss of hair glue

"must still be in my bathroom in the dorms" Tokoyami groaned again as looked to his flip phone to see his reflection

he looked like he had just been dragged through a bush and back his feathers were that dishevelled, it usually didn't get this bad but for some apparent reason it decided it didn't want to play ball today

"bbbbreakfast!" Mic began to remix louder

"so loud" Tokoyami grumbled but got out of bed, deciding on his cargo pants and a hoodie, pulling up his hood, deciding he'd ask Aizawa if he could get some from the shops

walking down he was greeted by the odd stares of the family, looking at him curiously

"so much black it puts you to shame babe" Mic laughed before being elbowed by his husband

"you feeling ok" Eri asked as he sat at the table

"yes I'm fine, sorry, my feathers are being unruly is all" Tokoyami assured

"ah hair trouble, don't worry I got ya" Mic stated as he reached into his jacket and pulled out a jar of hell jell

"Always keep a spare" Mic announced proudly as he finished his bowel, scooping eris so they could do hers

leaving Aizawa and tokoyami to eat theirs, they had given the raven some of Eri's coco puffs, a good choice as they had never met a person who didn't like the cereal

leaving them in silence before Aizawa informed the raven of some key information

"Eri enjoyed the midnight flight" Aizawa stated before taking a bite of his cereal

leading to tokoyami almost chocking on his food

he knew

of course, he bloody well knew, he was Aizawa afterall

"she did?" Tokoyami asked as he did his best to stop shaking in his seat

"yes, said she saw many snow-filled hills with snowmen and angels, she especially loved the lights and the snow," Aizawa told as he continued eating his shreddies

Tokoyami was expecting to be scolded to heaven high, to pack his bags right there and now

he didn't however expect what happened next

"she's been having trouble with getting asleep, Mic says because she's excited about Christmas, which is one reason" Aizawa began to explain as he dropped his spoon to look at tokoyami directly

"but the other reason is that she still experiences nightmares from her time with the Shie Hassaikai...when I heard her last night I knew that she had another, I expected her to come to our room, but she went to you"

Tokoyami blinked with confusion but allowed Aizawa to continue

"you worked hard to get her to trust you, especially with the...resemblance...and it clearly shows with how she went to you for protection, even if you didn't know why she truly went to you, it's clear she sees you of someone that can provide comfort and did so by taking the mind of her past, and for that, I have to thank you on that" Aizawa said as he was glad Eri was able to find more and more people to let in who were trustworthy and kind, he knew his student and was glad his judgement wasn't wrong

"but next time write a note" Aizawa finished with a tired groan

"shall do sir" Tokoyami nodded sheepishly, yeah he kinda forgot about that, his mind wasn't with it

but saying that, something didn't add up

"but what about the glasses, the water? she said she was up because she thought I was awake and thirsty" Tokoyami questioned

"Eri likes to make excuses as to why she wishes to come to someone, she doesn't like to be reminded of her past" Aizawa explained

Tokoyami nodded, understanding that reasoning

"Now, hawks will be here shortly with the rest of your stuff, he also wants to take you out" Aizawa stated as he finished his bowel

tokoyami wasn't too far behind just a few more scoops

"where to?" tokoyami questioned

"Not sure, he didn't leave a note" Aizawa finished as he walked out with a playful smirk

Tokoyami chuckled, he guess he had that coming, at least he knew Aizawa wasn't mad at him, it was slightly odd seeing his teacher not being so tired and cold as he usually is but all his class knew he had a secret soft side for them, tokoyami did have to admit he saw it a little more, mainly cus he wasn't too much of a "problem child"

regardless he finished his bowel, cleaned it and hurried off to his room to get ready for the hawk's arrival and to fix his feathers

...

a knock on his window alerted the raven of the familiar face that was his mentor

"There's a door you know" tokoyami murmured as he lifted the window and allowed the hero to enter

"eh, can't be bothered with smiles downstairs, sides, it's faster this way" hawks reasoned with a shrug

tokoyami didn't get a chance to argue as a bag was brought into the room

and tokoyami was pleased with what was given, and even more so

all the pictures, including the one of his favourite tree, we're here, his laptop and charger and pleased to see hawks had gotten his feather gel, his nightlight and even dark Shadow's favourite plushy, he had almost forgotten that

"thank you hawks" Tokoyami thanked with relief as he held the picture close, darkshadow squeaking his plushy happily

"no prob fledgling, now let's get going, you're well with flying through the window I assume" Hawks quickly said as he gave the raven a knowing look

"you heard" tokoyami groaned sheepishly

"I saw, need to work on your observation, not just down bellow kiddo" Hawks continued to tease before jumping out of the window

Tokoyami shook his head as he followed him, knowing hawks wasn't going to let him forget that soon

the two flew to where hawks were leading them

"what are we doing here," tokoyami asked as the Christmas markets came into view

"Well, I thought we'd celebrate some Christmas stuff together" Hawks answered with his signature smile

"why?" Tokoyami questioned, wondering why his mentor was suddenly being so...he wasn't sure what hawks were being

"thought it be fun, all the sidekicks are gone for the Christmas and it was only little crimes that happened around this time, think the villains agree to give it a break at Christmas" Hawks couldn't help but laugh

tokoyami didn't think it funny but decided to go along with it anyway

"fine, where to then," Tokoyami asked as they landed, just before hawks ruffled his feathers

"First we sort that attitude out, it's good being a serious hero but as a mentor, my goal is to get you to let loose, especially around the season apparently" hawks chuckled as he watched the little chick grumble and fix his feathers for the second time today

"and on that note, we're getting chocolate covered-" Hawks began to declare

"apples" darkshadow and tokoyami interjected excitedly

"...well I was gonna say marshmallows and strawberries but we can get those too" hawks agreed with a grin, happy seeing it was already working

their first stop was the chocolate-covered goodies which hawks happily paid for

tokoyami was told let to simply leave it all to "mama bird"

another nickname which tokoyami had failed to stop hawks from using

so instead they carried on with their day

going into the grottos and looking at the trinkets, something the two birds had to agree was always a spectacle to see

getting hotdogs and fried chicken as they watched a pantomime take place "Aladdin" the two taking a deep interest

tokoyami pulled hawks aside as he decided to embarrass him as he tried to get them to get a gift with the cue of toddlers

and to tap it all off was when they had finished their cotton candy

"oh I went on these once" tokoyami stated as he pointed to the teacup ride and put the sticks in the bin

"you wanna get on," Hawks asked, surprised by the raven's reaction to the teacup ride

"Maybe not, Iida wasn't too pleased after going on with me, too fast he said" tokoyami murmured, quick to deny himself of fun

not that hawks would have any of that

"Really? jet engines for legs said you were too fast? oh, now we gotta go on!" Hawks stated excitedly as he grabbed the raven's wrist, gently pulling him into the cue

but when they saw it was hawks they allowed him to go straight on with fan girls trying to get some pictures in

but hawks was too focused on his little fledgling having a fun time to bother, his wings blocking out those who tried to get in with them

after all, Christmas time was for fam-

the bells rang saying the ride was ready

"ok little bird, show me what you got" Hawks encouraged as they began to move

and hawks was once more impressed

the raven was so focused and the speed was top-tier good stuff, to others he guessed it would be nauseating, but for him it was perfect

but he didn't want his protege taking up all the fun

"Great work little chick, but how's about we both give it a shot and see if we catch flight

"What?" Tokoyami questioned with susceptibility

"hell yeah!" darkshadow yelled as they also placed her claws on the wheel

and so the three spun the wheel around

and much to tokoyami's horror and hawks and dark shadows' delight they did end up going so fast it flew off their hinges

sending them to the other side of the ride

"you....idiot!" tokoyami was the first to break the silence

at first, hawks was worried he took it too far before the sound of growing laughter turned to ones of mirth, causing the winged hero to burst out chuckles of his own

of course, hawks paid for the damage but it was all worth it to hear tokoyami's laugh, it made him even prouder to know he caused it

"Now that is what I call Christmas fun" hawks exclaimed as the two left the ride, right after hawks signed it for the ride worker so he didn't have to pay full price

"agreed" tokoyami nodded as he finally got his laughter under control

"Now I promised Aizawa we'd be back before tea, anything you wanna do before we head out?" Hawks asked

"Can I go into that shop?" tokoyami asked

"yeah sure kiddo," hawks said as he was about to step in before a claw stopped him

"Without you" tokoyami ordered

"ohhh, wanna get me a Christmas gift?" Hawks smirked leaning his weight against the raven before being shoved off

"Eri actually, I don't want you spoiling it for her" tokoyami concluded

"tokoyami, I'm the second hero, you think I would know how to keep a surprise," Hawks said with a fake hurt

"you'd think so" tokoyami smirked as he walked inside and closed the door

(little jerk) hawks laughed to himself as he did as asked

tokoyami quickly came back out with a black bag protected by a little dark shadow

"all right ready to fly," hawks asked

"yes" tokoyami assured

"race-" hawks began but a flash of darkness set of

tokoyami knew what the hawks were going to say, he did tend to do it

hawks were quick to catch flight and in the race

tokoyami knew he wasn't going to win, but he would have fun trying he had so much fun today,

he loved spending time with hawks, since their relationship strengthened after the rocky start he had come to respect and look up to the winged hero, trusting him with his entire soul, and would do all he could to help him

this was very evident when it came to their encounter with Dabi

Hawks admitted he was very worried about the raven's self-sacrificing and kept a close eye on his little intern, perhaps creating more of a stronger relationship than hawks had ever imagined having or even thought possible to having

he didn't deserve tokoyami in all honesty, he was too good, too loyal, too pure, no one deserved him, but he didn't mean that literally

the rage he felt for tokoyami's parents was unbarable, he hated how he was dealt with a bad hand

and yet he stayed such a good kid, after everything, he wasn't cruel or bitter

hawks in honesty were in awe of the little raven and wanted to see him grow to become a strong and justice-filled man

and hawks wanted to do all he could to help

tokoyami was so close, although he was confused as to why hawks hadn't caught him yet

was he taking it easy on him because of Christmas or something

if so then he wouldn't allow it

tokoyami turned around to see hawks staring into nothingness

getting distracted? not wise

hawks were quickly brought out of his thoughts as he felt an impact crash onto the back of his wings pulling him down

a pair of arms he saw had wrapped around his neck gently

"and you're caught, better luck next time hero" the voice of darkshadow crackled as it was a reminder of the first time hawks found tokoyami distracted

hawks chuckled as he learnt his lesson

tokoyami had thought he won only for his body to feel like it was tipping upside down

hawks had turned around midair and unhooked the raven's arms

before the raven could catch his fall with darkshadow something else caught him, keeping him upside down as hawks turned back upright

"need to go harder if you think that's gonna catch a villian little chick" Hawks laughed as he watched the raven squirm in his grip

"I'll keep that in mind" tokoyami laughed as he was turned right back around but still held against the winged hero's chest, just like how their first flight went, but perhaps with a bit more care than how he simply carried him like a sack of potatoes back then

they got to the house where hawks wasted no time in plopping the teenager onto the bed

"you jerk" tokoyami laughed as he got up, doing his best to calm himself

"Nah, I'm the best" Hawks chuffed earning a roll of the eyes

"anyways, I've got to get back to patrol, and no I don't need your help" Hawks began before cutting himself off, knowing what the raven was going to say, evident by the sheepish look he was granted

"I've got some paperwork to do but I'll be here on Christmas" Hawks assured although he wasn't very much looking forward to that paperwork

"When is that again?" tokoyami asked

"Christmas eves today so tomorrow" Hawks answered, slightly disappointed to see that hadn't caused some excitement in the bird, but more confusion, he looked like he didn't realise how fast it had come, but back on track, with what he'd been told, Christmas would be just another day to survive, if not a painful memory

"Hawks, I enjoyed today, but I don't want you worrying about me, you should be spending Christmas with family and friends" Tokoyami urged with concern

this earnt hawks to ruffle tokoyami's feathers, but this time more softly and slowly

"Trust me, kid, spending time with you is the closest family I'm gonna get" Hawks reassured with a low laugh

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about" Hawks began only for the voice of Eri call from downstairs

"Tokoyami! are you there?"

"be down in a sec" Tokoyami yelled back

but as he turned he was shocked to discover the winged hero was gone

"That was weird, even for him," Darkshadow said with confusion

tokoyami nodded in agreement

unknown to them hawks was flying back to his agency

(I'll tell him later) hawks repeated with certainty, he just needed to find the right words

...

tokoyami walked down to where Eri was decorating the rest of the house, the tree may be done but they didn't want Eri to run out of Christmas activities

"oh Eri had the ramen for her lunch since you were out, hope that's all right" Mic was quick to say when he saw him

"That's fine, sorry I didn't have the rest of it when it was first made" Tokoyami apologised but Mic didn't mind

"Think nothing of it, if you can't eat, don't force yourself" Mic assured as he was given his bowl of soba to quickly have for tea, a small portion which tokoyami was grateful for as he was able to finish it

"tokoyami, want to help with the decorating" Eri offered happily as she saw he was finally finished with his tea

"I'm good Eri" Tokoyami stated as he placed the bowel in the dishwasher, after all, it wasn't his house, he couldn't think he could take such a privilege

"Please," Eri asked once more, flashing those adorable red puppy dog eyes, making tokoyami sweat under the pressure

"yeah, you're staying for Christmas, meaning you're part of helping out now" Mic joked as he placed a Santa hat upon the ravens head

(my feathers can't take a break) Tokoyami laughed to himself as shoved the hat just above his eyes

he was surprised by how big the hat was, they usually couldn't hide his head due to his pointed feathers

he was also surprised to see it had the same design that Aizawa had given him back when U.A was celebrating

speaking of his teacher he was currently sleeping in his signature yellow sleeping bag, but also wearing a Christmas hat to complete the look

but his eyes drifted away when a golden snowflake sticker was placed in his hand and told to put it anywhere in the hallway, darkshadow got herself some stickers so she could place them higher

Eri laughed as tokoyami and Mic scolded the quirk for putting them on the ceiling who simply laughed

"Are you excited for Santa eri?" Darkshadow asked as they finished decorating

it looked amazing with the baubles, and twinkling fairy lights dazzling the corridor

Eri nodded excitedly

"daddy and dad said we need to put down a cookie and milk to appease the big red demon" Eri announced

Tokoyami held in a snort, if that wasn't his influence then he was unsure of what was

"Eri, we told you he isn't a demon" Aizawa sighed as he announced he was awake, but still resting his eyes

"Indeed, you are believing in Krampus" tokoyami subconsciously told,

"who's Krampus?" Eri pondered innocently

"I'll tell you when you're older," Tokoyami said as he felt the disapproving stares of his teachers

"yeah, but for now we need to get ready for him" Mic stated as he beckoned the kids into the kitchen

"We need to decorate these cookies and pick one out for Santa" Mic explained as he gave them multiple colours of icing

Tokoyami felt like a kid in primary again, decorating the cookies that he would bring back to his grandfather where they would sit by the fireplace and he would tell stories as he happily ate in wonderment

"you ok tokoyami?" Mic asked as he saw the raven's eyes begin to water

"yes, sorry, just remembering fond memories," tokoyami said as he wiped the tears away

"no need to be sorry kid, would you like to share those memories," Mic asked kindly

tokoyami was a very well-reserved person, right now, he just wanted to remember the man who helped him and loved him till his dying breath

telling them of the tradition he had with cookies, cutting down the trees, building snowmen and the stories, so many stories he was told

and mic, eri and Aizawa listened attentively, giving the raven their full attention, which may or may not have encouraged the bitter-sweet tears rolling down his face

Aizawa placed a reassuring hand on the raven as he finished his retelling

"well your grandfather sounds like a good honest man and raised one himself" Aizawa declared proudly, eri and Mic nodding in agreement

"thank you, sir" Tokoyami cried as Aizawa brought the raven into a hug, knowing that he needed it, Eri joined in as she hugged the raven's leg and was acknowledged by a caring hand resting on her head

when the teenager regained his breath they went to finish the cookies, Eri picking a star-designed one as the rest were ready to be eaten, 1 tonight and the rest for tomorrow as too much sugar meant they would be too tired for the big day

"oh and a carrot for the reindeer!" dark shadow exclaimed as he got it from the fridge, which no one objected too

"all right, everything's all ready for Santa which means you need to get into bed" Aizawa stated as he tiredly got back up from the couch

"can't I see him, dad," Eri asked sadly

"that's unfortunately not the rule kiddo," Mic said as he watch Aizawa hold the girl's hand

"wait, can tokoyami tell me a story before I go to bed," Eri asked Aizawa who proceeded to look at the raven waiting for an answer

"of course, if that is what you wish" Tokoyami smiled affirmatively

"I'll call him in when it's time" Aizawa assured as they walked out of the living room

"psst" the voice of mic whispered to bring the raven's attention to him

"hey kid" mic continued to whisper, pulling him into a side hug and crouching down to his level

"yes?" Tokoyami asked with confusion

"you need wrapping paper?" Mic asked with the strange tone

"you sound like your about to sell us drugs in a dark alley" Darkshadow commented with an annoyed glace

"doesn't answer the question, ya dig," Mic asked as he wasn't stopping this little tangent

"fine yes please" Tokoyami huffed

"coolio, but, you're not from the-" Mic was about to continue before tokoyami gave him the most dead-eyed look he'd seen and he was married to Eraserhead of all people

"Sir" Tokoyami glared dangerously, finding this charade weird and annoying

"all right all right, jeez, if looks could kill" Mic laughed as he threw a tube of gold and red paper a box of labels and sellotape at the raven which darkshadow caught with ease

"the scissors are in the top draws on the left" Mic finished as ran excitedly off, most likely to get the presents

so with a shrug tokoyami grabbed his supplies and got to work

...

after a good few minutes of cutting and sticking he had 5 ready to go presents that he placed under the tree

he didn't care that he wasn't going to get anything, they had been so nice to him that he would have felt guilty if he hadn't

"Tokoyami" Aizawa called as it was clear Eri was waiting on her story

not wanting to keep her waiting he grabbed his water and walked upstairs where Aizawa said to have a good sleep before walking downstairs, clearly to do the act of Santa

tokoyami placed his water quickly in the bedroom and into eris's room where she was hugging a kitten plushy

tokoyami sat at the edge of the bed and thought of a story

then he remembered one he was told a lot as a kid and one he could rehearse word for word

"ok eri, ready" tokoyami asked

"yes, but don't you need a book?" Eri asked with confusion

"fear not, the brain holds more stories than any book" Tokoyami concluded as eri giggled once more at his wording

"Once upon a time, there were two poor brothers who did not get along

but one day something changed their lives forever

a god with golden rings surrounding their head and a flowing white robe came into the world and met with the two

the two were astonished but bowed in greetings

when looking up they saw the god was offering two gifts

one hand held a flower

the other is a crown

the older brother chose the crown which lead to an unfathomable amount of wealth, it's only condition was to use this wealth to help the poor and needy

the younger brother chose the flower leading to a life of unconditional love and healing, the only condition was to share it unconditionally and to spread the kindness

both brothers agreed to which the god began to leave, saying one day they would come back to see if they kept to their word

50 years passed and the god returned

only to be disappointed to see the older brother used his money for selfish gain, giving his fortune to only those who could give him something in return and keeping it to himself

the god came to the older brother who looked with no fear

he paid an army to protect him if the god were ever to return

but as many darts, arrows, cannons and swords tried to piece the god figure it merely phased through

the army shook in their boots, but the god phased by them, they were under the influence of greed and the god took patience in understanding it was not their fault but the provider, the brother

"you fight, because of guilt, consequences are to be met" the god stated to the fearful brother

the brother begged and pleaded for the god to show mercy

to which the god tapped the brother's chest

the god said that unless his younger brother's gift of unconditional love would forgive him he would become charcoal, to convey the darkness of his soul

and so the older brother left his palace hurriedly to where his brother was to be

only to be met with the villagers saying the younger brother had used his gift well until his dying breath

the power of healing took a lot from the brother in effort but he did not mind

when on his death bed he asked for his blood to be drained and to be sprinkled into a field of flowers, providing healing abilities to all that ate them

the older brother was brought to tears, how he could have been so selfish as his younger brother had been so selfless

crying as his charcoal covered his chest

this was his reward for his actions

only to be interrupted by a little girl

he wished for you to have this" the child said as she handed the older brother a heart-shaped flower

eating the flower the darkness surrounding his heart disappeared

looking to the sky in gratitude declared he would use this second chance for good

using his wealth as truly intended

and when he died his only request was to die next to his brother within the cavern they once shared as children, hoping that in the next life he could make amends and be a better older brother

the last this the brother saw was the god as they placed the crown upon his head and a bunch of his younger brother's flowers in his statued hands

after years the cavern was left and protected by the villagers and the descendants in remembrance of this story

the flowers however did not last, but legends say that the only place they grew was within the younger brothers' palms"

Eri looked in sleepy awe at what she was told

Tokoyami's grandfather did always link stories to morals, to always choose love over wealth but to be kind and forgiving

traits he'd hope to pass on to his grandson

and what tokoyami could hope eri would continue

"That was sad but happy" Eri admitted

"I guess the ending was bittersweet, sorry, perhaps it was not the best one to sleep to" Tokoyami apologised as he thought perhaps for Christmas eve it wasn't the most cheery and she was still quite young

"no I liked it, that heroes can help make people better people and the god sounds very patient" Eri explained

"indeed little one, sleep tight," Tokoyami said as he was glad eri got what he had hoped to tell, and so he began to leave so she could sleep

"tokoyami" Eri called before the raven left

"yes?" Tokoyami asked

"Can you sing something, I like your singing voice?" Eri asked as she snuggled into her bedding

"you've heard me sing?" Tokoyami asked curiously as he walked back to the bed

"you were outside reading a book and singing a song, um, two birds on a wire?" Eri explained

tokoyami's feathers poofed in embarrassment, he mustn't have realised

"well ok, but you'll need to sleep soon" Tokoyami said as he began to lie down on the bed next to Eri who happily hugged him, he was tired and honestly sang better when lying down

"what do you want me to sing?" Tokoyami asked

"I don't mind" Eri admitted as she began to close his eyes

so tokoyami thought about what songs he could remember

he wasn't going to start screaming heavy death music at a 6-year-old so other than apple-bottom jeans which Mina made him rehearse to tears there was one more he remembered at this very moment

and so he began to sing silent night

his deep voice, smooth as caramel helped to keep the melody calm and light

singing themselves to sleep as darkshadow returned to his respected sleeping spot

the three being found in blissful sleep and a picture taken by two proud-looking parents

...

"Tokoyami!" the screaming excited voice of Eri awoke the raven with a start

jumping on the bed and moving the raven himself as he blinked awake in a haze, wondering what on earth was happening

"Santa's been!" Eri quickly explained as she began pulling both tokoyami's and dark shadows wrists downstairs

Tokoyami merely allowed this as they hurried down the stairs in which Santa had truly had been

carrot and cookie eaten with crumbs as proof and a half-drank glass of milk, footprints of snow covering the floor and of course

the presents

Aizawa was there holding a cup of coffee in hand as Mic readied Christmas breakfast

"morning and merry Christmas kids" Mic announced happily which Aizawa nodded as enthusiastically as he could

"good morning" Tokoyami and Eri bowed

"After we eat breakfast we can open presents" Aizawa stated as he saw the excited gleam in his daughter's eyes

"which is ready to be eaten so dig in" Mic stated as he finished putting the food on golden plates, a Christmas privilege, along with glasses that had candy cane-designed straws with them

5 of them are to be told

tokoyami was about to question before a figure came flying in

"Merry Christmas all" the voice of hawks welcomed

"hawks" eri, tokoyami and darkshadow in unison questioned with surprise

"I said I'd be here for Christmas" hawks reminded as he sat himself down

that was true, but tokoyami didn't believe he would this early, not that tokoyami was complaining, he was happy to know he wasn't just coming and leaving

so without complaint, there was a new addition to this widely happened Christmas family

finishing breakfast and like a cat, with a laser pointer Eri ran to the living room

the rest are not too far behind

the first gifts were of course from "Santa" as eri received plushies, drawing and writing books as well as some puzzle games and playsets which also held the name of her dads, which made eri give plenty of hugs

then came the more personal presents

"the ones in red and gold are from fumi" Darkshadow called as Eri found a different the coloured present with her name on it

with a nod from Aizawa, she opened the present carefully

revealing a big thick book with pictures of ancient and mystical beasts covering the front

"I believed you'd have some interest and this book will explain what the ancient beasts are along with their tales" Tokoyami explained as eri held the book close

"I love it, thank you tokoyami" Eri thanked as she rushed to hug the raven

"you can call me fumikage if you wish" tokoyami offered as he believed they had grown close enough to be on first names by now

"thank you fumikage!" Eri repeated as she was happy to be so close

the adults smiled as they moved from the couch and towards the tree where it was revealed to have a second sack of presents

only this time, it was for tokoyami

"Sirs I-" Tokoyami began to refuse before they cut him off

"These are from Eri, eraser and me, we want you to have them" Mic stated as they knew what the raven was going to say

"thank you but I couldn't possibly, you've already done so much" Tokoyami tried humbly only for hawks to squeeze his shoulder, providing comfort and allowing Aizawa to say his words

"kid, for once just relax and let yourself be treated, no strings attached, we want to do this just because we want you to have a nice Christmas" Aizawa confirmed

Tokoyami looked around as he watched the encouraging faces awaiting him to enjoy the gifts in front of him

maybe for once, he could let himself be spoilt

so tokoyami reached in for one present and began to open

all the gifts were fully appreciated and beautiful

a new fluffy coat with matching gloves and scarf, a purple sword that glowed purple, courtesy of a gift Eri picked out along with a silver necklace with a ruby designed like an apple, purple and black coloured skull candles, a black notebook and fluffy black snake plushie for darkshadow

"thank you, I'll cherish them all" Tokoyami declared tearfully before quickly running to get the last of the gifts and handing them out to the rest of the teachers

The mic was given a small crystal orb that when someone singed electricity bounced against the walls

Aizawa was given lavender-scented candles that didn't stain clothes or in aizawas yellow sleeping bag

and finally for hawks

he was given a picture frame that had a raven on the left side engraved, a hawk engraved on the right and a fire engraved on the bottom middle

combining all of hawks' favourite things together

hawks looked at this gift in awe

"I'm sorry it isn't much but I hope you like them" tokoyami bowed in the hopes

"it's perfect" hawks whispered as he held the frame like the most delicate feather in existence

"agreed, thank you tokoyami" Aizawa added as he planned to use the candles as much as he could in class

"I'm glad you like them," tokoyami said as he watched hawks place the frame carefully on the table, glad he didn't have to worry about being so worried about money for once and was able to spend it to provide joy to others

"but don't think I forgot kid, it's just my gifts back at my flat" hawks began

"you have a flat?" darkshadow questioned sceptically as they were being patted by Eri, who was very much stuck in her book

"yeah, decided to get one, thought it be better to separate work and my job life" Hawks chuckled

"that's fair, are we going today?" Tokoyami shrugged before asking

"yeah, when you're ready to take off," Hawks said, although he did seem to be getting nervous

"We don't have any plans left till dinner for Christmas lunch so you two get going" Aizawa advised, giving hawks a stare that only the two knew meant

and so the two were off once more

...

tokoyami was glad that Hawks was finally taking care of himself

how many times he'd get back from patrol and see his mentor practically asleep as he wrote on the computer

tokoyami hoped this would help him to separate home from work if all his stuff was the food was in a different place

but it would be still as lonely

tokoyami hadn't forgotten how his mentor said he was the closest thing he had to family

they were two birds of a feather in that sense, tokoyami couldn't help but chuckle bitterly

to be dealt with such familiarly bad cards

these two weeks had been the best, but he couldn't expect Aizawa or Mic to do anymore, they already had Eri who was dealt with even worse cards to provide for, it would be selfish to expect them to take him in, even awkward as eraser was his teacher, after all, so no, even if they did offer he wasn't sure he could accept or would accept

but if-

the raven's thoughts were interrupted when two sets of hands covered his eyes

which in the air made the raven panic

"relax chic, just don't wanna ruin the surprise" hawks reassured as he lead the raven to land

tokoyami trusted his mentor

had grown to care for him like a weird older brother or uncle figure, maybe a father? he wasn't sure, after all, he never had any

but even with one of his senses covered, he couldn't help but trust him

"ok kid, open your eyes" hawks whispered as he lifted his hands

it took the ravens eyes to adjust but when they did he still couldn't believe what he was seeing

they were on the top of an apartment, where twinkling golden lights covered the railings, pronouncing the arrival of a strong and very familiar tree, no leaves and covered in glistening white snow

"what is this?" Tokoyami questioned as he looked in disbelief

"you said the trees are important to you and I don't want to say but there was word of a construction crew going to try and make more houses, I didn't-" Hawks began to explain shakily

only to feel a sudden impact at his side

the raven hugging him tightly as he began to cry

"oh buddy" hawks muttered as he held the raven close

"I'm sorry buddy, I didn't mean" hawks began to apologise, he honestly didn't want this to upset the raven

"no, I just, I love it, thank you, it means a lot" Tokoyami interrupted as he expressed that they were not tears of sadness but of joy

"Anything for you kid" Hawks promised

then gathering his courage he did what he wanted to do after all these days of sticking his head in the sand, he was ready

"speaking of" Hawks began

"yes?" Tokoyami asked

"I've been kinda nervous asking you this but I was just wondering" Hawks continued shakily, trying to stay calm

"yes?" darkshadow asked this time

"Well, um, the truth is I meant what I said when I said you're the closest thing to a family, one I've never had and, well, I see you as my chick, I've always said this, but, I do mean it kid...so...um, if you want to, would like to live with me? here and be a sort of family, together" Hawks offered, shaking with sobs

a moment of silence filled the void before a big smile came upon the raven's beak

"yes! yes, I would love that!" Tokoyami exclaimed as tears of happiness

and so the two hugged each other, crashing to the floor on the knees, too weak to stand anymore

"oh thank god" Hawks cried as he held the raven closer

snow swirling the two as they cried and laughed with the promise of a better life for the two

as a newfound family

...

(1 year later)

"Eri, your cousin and uncle are here" the voice of Aizawa called as he saw two familiar faces appear in the window

"fumi!" Eri yelled as she ran to where the door opened revealing the two birds all bundled up in their winter gear, the raven refusing to wear any other coat than the one before

"hello Eri, how are you this merry eve?" tokoyami asked as he picked the little girl up as she began to tell him all the gifts she had gotten, leading him to her pile

"Hi hawks, how ya doing" Mic greeted as he watched the kids walk into the living room

"we're doing good, just got back from the todoroki's, endeavours been allowed back but as long as we came so I could annoy him, but nice to see toko talk with that shoto kid, two sides of the same coin" hawks joked as he put his coat on the bannister

just thinking about their family situation made him shudder, at least with tokoyami there wasn't too much

he went into a courtroom, asking to adopt the raven and by the end of 2 weeks last year he was officially his kid, the money from his family was cut off so tokoyami never had to have any contact with them ever again, and they were over the moon

"well I hope you didn't stock up on food while you were there" Aizawa grumbled as he began to place the plates and Christmas crackers

"he had a bucket of chicken" dark shadows voice peaked concerning the conversation

"I'm not raising a grass!" Hawks said with a sing-song tone

"Well I hope you're wearing your loose pants cus tea is finished" Mic stated as dinner was set

filled to the brim with pigs in blankets, mash, gravy, carrots, parsnips, stuffing and all the goodies, although no sprouts as everyone refused to eat them much to Aizawa's annoyance, even at Christmas he couldn't escape being a dad to problematic children, and that included the number 2 hero and his husband

regardless everyone sat down and began to dig in

"Can I have some more parsnips please?" Tokoyami asked as it was clear his appetite was much better

even hawks who were now in the mindset of a parent realised living on KFC wasn't the healthiest decision and also asked for extra carrots

in between the meal they began to pull their crackers, filled with horribly punny jokes, little toys like bouncy balls and hopping frogs and of course the Christmas hats

"Merry Christmas fumikage" Hawks with a red crown whispered as he placed a purple coloured crown on his child's head

"Merry Christmas Keigo" tokoyami whispered back as he pushed the hat up properly

"who's ready for CAKE!" Mic screamed as he pulled out a triple chocolate cheesecake

"Mic let their food rest first" Aizawa scolded as the rest laughed at the blond's antics

the laughter filled the room as the two birds matched the very picture that was placed in the bronze picture frame given the very first Christmas they had together, hands around shoulders and hugging each other close, eyes closed and mouths opened echoing the laughter of mirth for many more years to come

#tokoyami #fumikage tokoyami #hawks #hawks mha #bnha dark shadow #bnha tokoyami #mha tokoyami #my hero academia #president mic #mha eri #bnha eri #my hero acadamia christmas #christmas special #wattpad #mha fanfiction

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kabillieu · 2 years

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I had a baby on June 30th at just past midnight. I told very few people I was pregnant because it was difficult being pregnant again--not physically, I had a very easy pregnancy in that regard, but emotionally. I didn’t even talk about my pregnancy to people I saw in person. I just...pretended like I wasn’t pregnant? I did what I had to do to protect my mental health. It was borderline antisocial of me, but whatever.

After a very easy, by-the-books, typical pregnancy with no complications other than my age, I had a wild and traumatic delivery that culminated in an emergency c-section because my uterus ruptured. It was very, very dramatic, and baby and I both almost died, but because we were already in a big hospital with a surgeon who just happened to be there that night and a NICU, we got immediate life-saving care. I was told by my doctor and the surgeon who did the c-section that had I been at home or even in a smaller, more rural hospital we would have both died. I don’t know what to say or think about that. Mostly I’ve been trying not to think about it because we didn’t die. I’m recovering well, albeit without my uterus or Fallopian tubes, and my baby is alive and doing as well as possible given he had to be resuscitated and no one was sure how long he’d been without oxygen or what the damage, if any, would be. We spent 18 days in the NICU, and it was rough, but all his scans, lab work, MRI, ultrasounds, echocardiogram, etc. came back normal. I wasn’t able to see him for the first 8 hours of his life, and I wasn’t able to hold him until he was four days old because the doctors cooled his entire body for three days to try to mitigate any potential damage that might have occurred. We’ve been told he will likely have no long term effects from being born so traumatically. For something so scary and disastrous, we couldn’t have asked for better results.

I’m still pretty stunned by everything. I’m very, very grateful to be home. I’m trying to reckon with the fact that I had a hysterectomy? Feeding him is a complete circus because we do a combination of breast, bottle, and pumping every time he eats. I have a good, maybe almost-sufficient milk supply, but he has to learn how to breastfeed efficiently, and until then I’m pumping constantly and it is a chore.

He is a very, very sweet baby. Very different from my eldest who was born a hellion and then matured into a joyful baby around 4-5 months-old. We bought a very expensive smart bassinet called a Snoo in anticipation of having another baby who doesn’t sleep, but so far this one does. And honestly the Snoo is still worth it anyway.

I’ve got a lot to process and no time to do so. Three years ago if you had told me what 2020-22 had in store for me I would have first laughed and then been absolutely horrified. I’m not sure how I got here, but I love this baby. I’m so glad we both survived his birth and are okay. I don’t understand the twists and turns my life has taken the last few years, but I do know that I chose him, and I’m glad he’s here.

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rainsmediaradio · 5 months

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Joyce Meyer Devotional For Today 22nd November 2023 – Be Thankful—Always.

TOPIC: Be Thankful—Always. SCRIPTURE: — 1 Thessalonians 5:18 (AMPC) Thank in everything , for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus .

JOYCE MEYER MESSAGE FOR TODAY 22ND NOVEMBER 2023.

Someone once told me there are more exhortations in the Bible to praise God than there are of any other kind. I don’t know if that’s true, but it ought to be. When our minds flow with thanksgiving and praise, we develop immunity to the devil’s infectious ways. If we complain or grumble, the opposite is true. The more we complain, the worse life gets, the more victorious the devil becomes, and the more defeated we feel. If we are going to live in victory, praise has to be one of our major weapons. A wise pastor once told me, “Praise fills the heaven and the earth with God’s presence and drives away the darkness. So if you want to live in the sunshine, praise the Lord.” When good things happen to us, most of us turn to praise. It’s easy to lift our hands and our voices when God answers our prayers and delivers us from problems. But it’s not always as easy when things go wrong. What do we do when we’re sick or lose our jobs or people talk against us? How do we fill our minds with joyful thanksgiving in those situations? If we read the verse above and add Philippians 4:4: Rejoice in the Lord always ; again I say, Rejoice! we have options. The negative option is to take the attitude of Job’s wife, who was so shaken up by the loss of her children and their possessions that she cried out, Do you still hold fast your blameless uprightness? Renounce God and die! (Job 2:9). Job answered with great wisdom: You speak as one of the impious and foolish women would speak. What? Shall we accept good at the hand of God and shall we not accept misfortune and what is of a bad nature? (v. 10). Job understood that a righteous life doesn’t mean that everything always runs smoothly and that only blessings will ever fall on top of blessings. We have two positive options open to us, and most of us can practice the first, but not all of us can accept the second. The first is to praise God in spite of what’s going on in our lives. Or another way to say that is in the midst of our troubles and hardships, we can rejoice over the things that are not wrong in our lives. It may take effort, but if we can turn our eyes away from the immediate problems, we can see that everything in life isn’t bad. We also can rejoice because God has faithfully taken us through the turmoil of the past, and we can rejoice and know that He’ll do the same thing again. The second option is to ask, “God, what can I learn from this? What do You want to teach me through this so that I may be closer to You and rejoice more fully in Your goodness?” That’s not an easy question, and the answers are often even harder. Sometimes we only grasp the important lessons in our lives when we fall flat on our faces. It’s as if we’re running as fast as we can and God trips us. The psalmist says: Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now Your word do I keep (Psalm 119:67 AMPC). It’s not that God is out to hurt us, but God loves us enough to stop us, to give us the opportunity to change our ways, and to follow Him. Throughout my many years in ministry, I’ve heard stories from people who had wonderful jobs or great ministries or made a great deal of money—and then their lives fell apart. One man—someone who had once been a millionaire—came to our meetings after he had spent three years in prison. The first words that came out of his mouth were, “I’m glad I was convicted and sent to prison. I had run from God for a long time. The Lord finally got my attention when someone gave me a copy of Joyce Meyer’s book Healing the Brokenhearted.” Not everyone can rejoice and give thanks for their suffering, but we can all give thanks in the midst of it. Joyce Meyer’s Daily Devotion Prayer Starter 22/11/2023. God, I’m thankful for Your love and Your presence. Forgive me for grumbling when things go wrong and remind me of how many things go right in my life. Enable me to rejoice in You always, amen. Read the full article

#JoyceMeyer

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barelyintact · 6 months

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I’m so heavy with grief today

Not because of anything recent

But because of everything

I haven’t felt like this in a while

Overwhelmed with sadness

From thinking of those I’ve loved and lost

To seething regret for things I’ve done, what I’ve almost become

And for realizing that I don’t want to spend another second feeling the way I’ve felt recently

Unimportant and small

As if in almost any room I could disappear and no one would notice

And that has gotten so big

I want to look at my life and clearly see what I should have done differently

Use it as a lesson and turn that page

Or close the book

And write a new one

Every step I’ve taken has felt so joyful

Or so dark

Or so lonely

In a room full of people I have never felt so lonely

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visionsmusings · 1 year

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This is a snippet from the first chapter on my WIP, what i hope to be a future book on shelves at your local library. A historical fiction about Aaron Burr, and how he found the width of the world.

The Pride Before the Fall

“Every day I see many people walk through the doors of these classrooms and as I watch them walk out, I feel proud knowing that we have helped to improve at least one person's life. I remember the day I saw you first walk through those doors. I will admit I was worried. I knew you were a bright young lad, and you surely are your father’s son.” With that last statement the reverend sat back down and clasped his hands together as if he were in prayer or deep thought.

“Of course you have proven yourself a smart, dedicated, and ambitious lad. I like to think that you have set an example for many in the time that you have been here with us.”

Aaron felt a sudden surge of pride, loving the idea that he had made an impression on the Reverend and others. He wanted to be seen.

“Aaron, I am curious. What is it you hope to get out of life?”

With that one question Aaron felt himself come tumbling down from the pedestal he thought he was being placed on. As the words permeated the air Aaron sat still taken aback by the question. The exact sentiment he was hoping to get guidance and counsel on was being thrown back at him.

Last night as Aaron laid his head down on his pillow he thought one last time about the future and what it could possibly have in store for him. He thought more on the idea of continuing his studies of theology. Surely it was not a mere coincidence that he should be studying to become a minister at the same time that everyone seems to be flocking towards the lords light.

No, this was not a mere coincidence but a sign, maybe even from his late father and mother. They wanted him to go through with this plan.

“Well sir, I have been thinking on working towards becoming a minister.”

The reverend gave a slight smile as if he had expected that answer.

“Aaron, tell me. Why do you want to stay in the ministry?”

Aaron again sat still, his mouth gaping open as if words were pouring out, yet all that was heard was silence. He thought for a minute, and as the silence grew it became obvious that the reverend had gotten his answer. He didn’t know, because his heart wasn’t truly there.

“There is no doubt that whatever you choose you will be great at. You have a great ethic, when I first turned you away and told you that you weren’t yet ready you pushed yourself harder than any young lad I have seen to date. I know that whatever you choose you will give your all to. However, you need to choose what will make you happy. I have noticed that you haven’t yet applied anywhere to further your education. I know that money is not a problem, so I sense it is a problem of head and heart?” The reverend asked, yet he posed the question as if he was telling this to Aaron, not really asking for confirmation.

“The ministry is a wonderful choice,” he continued as he leaned back in his chair, “It does in fact it seems to be a popular choice at the moment.”

“Yes sir, well there is a revival upon us. Many have strengthened their love in our great lord. With that many joining the flocks there is a need for more shepherds!”

With a chuckle the reverend looked back to Aaron. “No, we don’t need many more shepherds. This wave will not last, it is merely a new season upon us,” His joyful and playful tone soon turned to a sudden seriousness, “There is much unrest in the streets towards our King. Everyone needs hope, and this is where they all happen to be finding it in this moment. Some will stay but many, once they get their fill of peace will simply calm down and return to nothing more than their Sunday prayers. When that happens churches will find their pews suddenly a bit emptier and then many will lose confidence in their ability to preach. We will have many taverns filled with those newly wandering souls. “

“I wouldn’t be just another one of those wondering souls. It is what my father would want me to do.” Aaron said with a sudden fight in him, “You said yourself that I am my father’s son!”

“Yes, you both have a quality of stubbornness unrivaled by many. In that regard there is no question of which tree you fall from.”

Aaron sat confused. Here he was trying to convince himself that he had made up his mind. Last night he thought he was done with this anxiety. He told himself that the stage before pews is where he would get the recognition he knew he deserved. He woke up thinking that today the reverend would solidify his ideas and tell him that he was in fact on the right course, set for long lasting success and praise from all.

Instead the reverend sat in front of Aaron telling him the exact opposite. So, it would seem Aaron was back at square one.

He should have went with Matthias last night.

“If I may be honest...” Aaron started, suddenly quiet. He felt like a small child who just got caught in a fanciful lie.

“I would expect nothing less than complete honesty from you Aaron. “

“I don’t know what I want. All I know is that I want to make people proud.” Aaron was looking at the floor unable to meet the eyes of the great man before him.

“Aaron, you need to make yourself proud. If you don’t do that, no one else will ever give you the satisfaction you are looking elsewhere for. You need to look within.”

Aaron slowly lifted his head and looked at the reverend who was now looking at him with the soft eyes of a caring father.

“It won’t be easy. You must also cast away the idea that you can’t make mistakes. We are human and therefore we make mistakes every day. Be softer with yourself. I will pray to god for your guidance.”

As those last words left him he stood up, and walked towards the door, stopping only to pat Aaron on the shoulder as a sign of endearment. He opened the door and Aaron knew this talk was over. He stood and walked to the Reverend and after shaking his hand Aaron walked out into the bright sun with nothing more than a mind filled with many jumbled thoughts.

#hamilton #aaron burr #writerscorner #writers and poets #future novel #historical fiction

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headcannonballs · 3 years

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I know the hobbit movies make a big deal about how angsty teen Legolas is and completely screwed his relationship with his dad Thranduil. But whenever I read the Lord of the Rings I cannot help but think: my goodness, but Thranduil must have really spoiled Legolas rotten.

We first meet Legolas at the Council of Elrond. He is dressed simply and for light travel, and does not choose to wear his title as a Prince, instead identifying himself as a messenger from Thranduil, his king. Indeed he often chooses to call Thranduil his king rather than his father, which many have taken as a sign that relations between the two are strained.

However, I propose the direct opposite - that his many mentions of Thranduil as his Elven-Lord demonstrates not only his love for Thranduil, but also his respect and admiration of what a great king his father is for his people.

Consider this: whenever he mentions Thranduil or Mirkwood it is always with warmth and a subtle longing. He doesn't ever speak of his home in anything other than good terms, even if it has been marred and fallen into becoming Mirkwood (as opposed to Greenwood the Great).

And it isn't just to maintain pride in front of outsiders. When you contrast the way Boromir speaks of Gondor and his father the steward Denethor, to the way Legolas speaks of Mirkwood and Thranduil, it becomes clearer. Boromir is proud of his family, country and heritage and boasts of it. He claims Gondor is the main protector of Middle-earth, and that they have been fighting Mordor the hardest. But deep down he is questioning his father's rule, and is uncertain of Gondor's future.

Legolas is almost the opposite. He doesn't ever boast of his country, although Mirkwood, just like Gondor, is right at Mordor's doorstep. Instead he shares with the company personal anecdotes that show (not tell) exactly how good life is there despite the Shadow. He doesn't waver in his believe of his people's strength; indeed only he and Aragorn could face Galadriel without any fear or hesitation.

I think the reason why Legolas always mentions Thranduil as a king or lord is not because he doesn't want to acknowledge Thranduil is his father. It is that Legolas is so in awe of Thranduil and so respectful of him that whenever he is mentioned Legolas' first thought is not 'that's my dad and we're related', but instead is 'that's my king and my hero and he's so awesome'.

He doesn't consciously mention Thranduil as his father because his mind frame is not to introduce the company to Thranduil the way you would introduce your friends to your parents. He doesn't want them to think of him as just a nice uncle who is the father of a friend.

Legolas introduces Thranduil as his king because he wants the company to respect him as such, as the ruler of a great country who has done great deeds. He wants the company to see Thranduil as someone in-charge, as someone who is capable and should be given the proper courtesies accorded to him.

Some may question, in that case why doesn't Legolas call him 'my father the king'? It would highlight both Legolas' relationship to Thranduil as well as Thranduil's kingship.

I think this has to do with the circumstances as well as Legolas' humble personality. It is true that he doesn't ever make a big deal out of being prince, but at the same time this title means nothing much in the fellowship company. There is Aragorn, who would be king of Gondor. Boromir, eldest son of the ruling Steward of Gondor. Gimli, cousin of Balin who is the Lord of Moria. Gandalf, member of the Istari and councilor of many kingdoms. Peregrin, son of the Thain of Shire. Meriadoc, son of the Master of Buckland. Frodo, heir to Bilbo and a celebrity (of sorts) of the Shire.

Virtually everyone in the fellowship had a title (except Sam) and there is really no point in highlighting it among themselves when it doesn't matter. The only time where Legolas being Prince of Mirkwood would matter is when meeting other elves or when meeting allies of Mirkwood (like Dale for example). In which case in the former, Legolas being son of Thranduil is more than enough recognition for Elrond and Celeborn (as both of them were Sindar elves, and thus kin of Thranduil). And for the latter there wasn't any opportunity to do so.

Thus Legolas not mentioning the king is also his father is his way of downplaying his title as Prince, something which signifies his humility as well.

Finally, what makes me certain that Thranduil is a very caring father is Legolas' personality itself. Galadriel mentions that Legolas had always lived in joy, and this is very evident throughout the book.

In the entire journey, Legolas is shown to never despair. The only moment of fear was when he saw the Balrog (a famous elves bane) but otherwise he was also never fearful. This is despite the overwhelming circumstances the company finds themselves in. He always sees the bright side in every situation, frequently makes jokes and funny quips, and is in an overall joyful mood.

From the Hobbit, we learn that this cheerful outlook is shared by the Mirkwood elves, regardless of the growing Shadow. The only person who was affected at all was Thranduil himself, who was always wary of Mordor rising again. But he took careful pains to never affect his people, and they were always in good spirits despite the war that was happening.

I think Legolas was very well loved as a child, and always carefully sheltered. Not from the horrors and realities of war like death and destruction (because we can see he is a very capable warrior). No, he was instead sheltered from the despair and sorrow that would normally accompany death and destruction.

Legolas would see death and elves dying in battle, and Thranduil would tell him of the halls of Mandos and how death is just a path back to the Valar. He would look at the destruction of the woods and the land, and Thranduil would tell him it is like the passage of winter, but spring would come and the land would flourish again.

Legolas would have grown up knowing that even though bad things are happening, good things are still to come, and that's why he always has such hope in him and such joy. Unlike the mortal lives of Men and Dwarves, Elves are immortal and they can afford to wait for the end of the Shadow. There is no hurry, and because Mirkwood is untouched by any of the Rings, they don't need to worry about the power of the Three fading.

Legolas is happy and joyful because he is beloved, and I think that is a consequence of Thranduil's nurturing personality. It just makes much more sense when you compare him to the other characters who had lost both parents (Aragorn and Eomer), or had a stern and demanding father (Boromir and Faramir).

Legolas remains unchanged for the most part at the end of the journey because he was already in such a good place to start with. I think that is quite a comforting thought.

#Legolas #Thranduil #father son relationship #vote Thranduil for best parent #I mean anyone who grows up right next to war-torn territory #had to have learnt fighting from a young age #has their home invaded by monstrous spiders #but is still cheerful and had a joyful childhood #their parents must have been awesome #lotr elves #mirkwood

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gatheringbones · 3 years

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["After a lifetime of waiting, I am finally called to the recovery room. You are woozy and weak but smile at me when I take your hand. I remember why I am willing to nurse you through this and anything.

Over the course of the next several months we embark on a journey filled with dramatic peaks and valleys. You start testosterone treatments and your very thinking is changed, along with your body. Most profound is the change in your sexuality. You are more driven, yet more open and vulnerable. You want me like men have wanted me. Sometimes I am so frightened; it is only your love that makes sex possible.

And yet, if anything, you are more sensual to me now. On you, "more masculine" seems like "more butch." I never thought it possible that you could be more butch.

You strut more. Sometimes I find you looking at yourself in the mirror, curious and even delighted. I never saw you take such an interest in your own body before. You let me touch you more.

There is a giddy feeling to our lives. Clothes shopping, making love, just being together in this journey is funny, surreal, and filled with a strange, joyful expectation.

And there are stray moments when I stop in my tracks, suddenly realizing my own transition, how I have also changed. How I am changing even now.

On one such day I make a word for myself: transensual. And in naming myself, I feel substantial— connected. I am reminded of when I discovered the word lesbian and femme. These words name me and help create me at once. My self has reached out for these identifiers, found them, and filled them out. Now I make them unique to me. Transensual femme lesbian.

I often bless this path you have taken, for your own sake and for mine; it has propelled me into my own journey, and I have found a part of me which needed to emerge. I see people, the world, differently. I am different.

I am trans-formed.

When you came out over 30 years ago, a young butch in the Chicago bars before the lesbian-feminist movement swept you up in its passion, did you ever long for this second chance?

When you burned your last bra and wore your last dress, did you ever think your path would lead you to this future?

When you swore to yourself as a child that you would somehow find a way to put your elbow in your ear if it would change you into a boy, did you ever think your wish would come true?

You are a boy now. And you are a transgendered butch with a 50-year history. Your politics and passion, your anger and hurt, your emotional capacity and human consciousness— those can never be erased. When I move against you, when I hold you to my breast, when I take you in my mouth, I take in your whole self. You feel my soul and I respond to you, as a femme, as a lesbian, as a transensual woman.... as myself.

Tonight I wake up to see you lying next to me, your chest softly rising and falling with each breath. I hardly notice the scars, you are so beautiful. Sleep well my butch, my boy, my man. I will be here when you wake."]

Sonya Bolus, from Loving Outside Simple Lines, from Genderqueer: Voices From Beyond The Binary, edited by Joan Nestle, Clare Howell, and Riki Wilchins, Alyson Books, 2002

#sonya bolus #lesbian literature #trans literature #queer #terra preta #wasteland radio #gender stuff

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sammysvanfeet · 2 years

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Boston Calling || Chapter Two

Jake x Reader - Enemies to Lovers

Word count: 5k+

*WARNINGS*: cursing, abandonment issues, overbearing mother, mentions of death, mentions of alcohol, Oliver Reed (yes that needs it's own warning)

Chapter 3

I stared at the boy in front of me in utter disbelief, my mouth hung agape ever so slightly and I closed it quickly before he caught on to my surprise. I slowly took his hand and gave him a polite handshake before speaking.

“You look exactly like this guy in my Sound Engineering class.” He chuckled at my words before responding to me like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“I presume you’re talking about Jacob, in which case, yes, we do look very much alike, and that would be because we’re identical twins.” He finished, arms folded across his chest giving me a sly grin. He looked down towards my neck before meeting my eyes once again.

“Nice scarf.” he complimented.

I glanced at the article of clothing he commended, before slipping out a small thank you. There was this nervous energy that had accumulated in me throughout this entire interaction. Josh was so intimidating, what with his obvious charismatic nature and outgoing personality, I felt so mediocre compared to him. A feeling I wasn’t familiar with at all.

I dragged the chair away from the table before sitting on the cold seat, the wooden dowels in the backrest digging into my spine as I leaned against it. I pulled my computer out of my bag and I could hear Josh resume his typing. My goodness he was loud, he typed as though he had a personal vendetta against the keys, slapping away at the black plastic squares. He must have been writing something incredibly important, the look on his face was determined and he seemed so sure of himself. I couldn’t help but stare at his features once again, still in shock over the revelation that he and Jake are brothers, twins on account of his words.

“So are you a sound engineering major, too?” I blurted out.

He didn’t seem irritated by my interruption, instead he smirked at me.

“Philosophy and film, actually…”

“Wow! I suppose you and Jake really couldn’t be more different.” I huffed, incredulously.

“You’ve got that right, mama.” He winked. I was somewhat taken aback by his forwardness. It wasn’t a gesture that made me feel uncomfortable or like he was hitting on me, I just genuinely believe that assured demeanor was simply just a part of his disposition. Perhaps I would like this Kiszka.

“So, what do people do around here for fun? Besides skulking around the library at night?” I joked, suddenly feeling more confident around Josh.

“Well I can’t promise you a night of debauchery, but I am a regular at this little joint about 20 minutes or so off campus. They host open mic nights, karaoke, live bands… you name it. You should tag along tomorrow night, the inner performer in you will beg to be revealed!” He dramatically divulged while waving his around hands wildly, earning hushing whispers from students around us.

I smiled bigger than I had in weeks. Josh was magnetic, endearing and so over-the-top you couldn’t help but feel joyful around him. I agreed to his offer without hesitation, despite myself being a notoriously reserved person. Maybe this is just what my therapist ordered…

Josh and I exchanged phone numbers later that night, the library much quieter now and almost completely unoccupied, save for us and a few other students… one of whom had fallen asleep on her textbook. He kept cracking witty remarks about anything and everything. Not only was he humorous, but his love for philosophy and film was evident. Before long, I could barely suppress the impending yawn in my throat. When Josh noticed my drowsy state, he took that as our cue to head out. Bundling up in our winter weather wear and stashing the bricks of books into our backpacks, we silently made our way outside.

“I’ll text you the details regarding tomorrow night when I get back home, I’ll see you then Y/N.” He winked, sharing a genuine smile and walking the opposite way, in the direction I’m assuming was his apartment.

“Alright, bye Josh!” I called after him, my voice cheery. He tilted his head over his shoulder and threw a peace sign as he continued to stroll down the sidewalk.

I felt giddy, the prospect of finally not being alone was enthralling. People don’t emphasize just how exhausting the feeling of loneliness is, it eats at your thoughts and consumes your daily tasks, and more importantly, it severely fucks up your perception of human interactions.

I was unsure of myself, I’m only now learning how to pursue relationships with others without the shadow of my mother behind me. As self absorbed as it is to say, my entitlement was a difficult aspect in my life to give up. Not that I wanted to be that way, by no means was that true, it’s just hard to rid yourself of your unrealistic expectations when that’s all you’ve known. And God knows how impactful that’s been in my past friendships.

I could see my apartment building quickly approaching and made my way past the roses that lined the front garden gates and up the steps to the porch. Pulling the storm door open, I entered the poorly lit lobby of the building. The black and white tiled checkered floors were my favorite aspect of the whole place. It reminded me of my childhood home, the one we had before my dad passed away and my older sister started acting out. When I was younger we lived in an 1960’s home that had been refurbished by an old lesbian couple, and they decided it would be appropriate to leave the black and white chipping tiles that made up the kitchen floor. I remember my mother always joked about how much she hated it. She was different back then, when she had dad around. He always insisted the floors gave the home character. The pattern was so whimsical, something out of Alice in Wonderland. I stepped through the lobby, making sure to only plant my feet on the black tiles, hopping around. It was a little game I liked to play with myself, one that I’d frequently play as a child, jumping around the kitchen island while my older sister baked me cookies. It was such a futile yet fulfilling act. When I finally reached the bottom of the staircase that led to the upper apartments, I couldn’t help but feel deep sadness over the fact that my sister wasn’t here this time to bake me pastries and desserts. My boots fell heavily on the wooden steps as I made my way to my apartment door, fishing the keys to my residence out of my coat pocket before turning the lock and filing my way inside.

Thoughts of my sister suddenly devoured my sleep deprived brain. I suppose I thought about her because of Josh, in a way he reminded me a lot of her. Their shared flamboyant nature and distinct clothing choices. The vibration of a notification sent to my phone interrupted my deliberation. Walking over to my bedroom I read the message on the lock screen. Josh had texted me the address to the venue I was supposed to meet him at tomorrow night followed by a very simple ‘nice meeting you, mama’ and a ‘goodnight’. Of course, in what I was learning to be typical Josh fashion, he had to include his flair into absolutely everything and included a semicolon winky face. ‘Classic’, I thought, not a guy into the whole revitalized emoji scene.

I tossed my phone on one side of the bed before stripping myself of the day's clothes, immediately feeling a million times better as I peeled the sweaty socks off of my feet and rid myself of the unbelievably tight sweater vest that I’m convinced belonged to an infant at one point. I couldn’t help myself from digging into my closet in search of a suitable outfit for the following night. I wanted to make a good impression on Josh and his friends, I wanted them to see me as one of them. Already assuming Josh was going to wear something extravagant, I frantically went through my hangers of clothes before finding what I was looking for at the back of my wardrobe. Slightly concealed by a dejected collection of blazers, the pink slip dress was vaguely peeking out, it’s black lace trim barely visible. A rush of warmth filled my chest. This particular garment belonged to my sister. I remember her wearing it many times before, she always wore it with such conviction, and she looked gorgeous every time, undeniable happiness painting her face. In one particularly fond memory she was sneaking out of our shared bedroom as the moonlight reflected off of the silk of the dress, illuminating her. She glanced over her shoulder at me, beaming that infectious smile and said, “Our secret, right Bug?”

Wiping a stray tear that had traitorously escaped down my cheek, I held the slip over my form and pondered my reflection in the full size mirror adjacent to the closet. It was form-fitting and slinky, something I wouldn’t usually be comfortable wearing. If it wasn’t for the sentimental value it possessed, I wouldn’t even own it. I considered the addition of some tights, my heeled boots and my trusty black coat. I couldn’t forgo a matching pink silk hair bow to pull the outfit together. I hung the dress from the door of my closet and gathered the other items to complete the look. Taking a step back, I admired the garment and accessories all placed together. A small grin creeped across my cheeks, I was more than pleased with the choice of outfit. I moved forward to hold the lace detailing at the bottom of the dress, tracing the pattern with my fingers, I was going to look phenomenal.

✦✦✦

As usual, I rode the bus to class the following morning, listening to my favorite true crime podcast and people watching. The air felt different today. Maybe it was the unusually warm temperature, threatening to melt the snow and welcome Spring. Or maybe it was the fact that I was actually going to go out tonight! I barely paid any mind to Jake during the entirety of Sound Engineering, actually allowing him a chance to answer most of the questions for once.

After class was dismissed, I gathered my things and headed to the coffee shop to grab a well deserved hot beverage. Luckily only one employee was there today. He was tall with long dark hair, save for a few scattered highlights. He was incredibly handsome. He introduced himself as Danny.

“You came in a few days ago.” He commented. I was slightly confused as to how I didn’t remember this interaction he was referring to. Cocking my eyebrow, head tilted, I looked at him as an indicator to elaborate.

“We didn’t speak, but I just remember you walking in, my coworker, Jake, was the one who took your order.” He finished with a soft smile. I nodded and returned the same smile.

“Yeah we’re actually in the same class for sound engineering, I think we’ll be taking up an internship opportunity together.” I relayed all this information mindlessly to Danny while fishing for my wallet to pay for this new tea flavor that was brightly advertised on a wooden board by the front counter.

“Yeah, I know who you are, Jake’s told me a little about you.” he said nonchalantly as he swiped the credit card I handed him through the POS system. I blinked a few times before recomposing myself. Jake talked about me? This insatiable urge to ask about what he spoke of me was bubbling it's way out of my throat.

I chuckled a little and cooly responded, “I wouldn’t believe a word he says about me.” Throwing a wink his way for good measure.

Danny got to making my beverage before guffawing, “Ha! Trust me, of all people I know how much of a jerk Jake can be sometimes.” He hesitated, “but he has a good heart…”

“Is that so? Well in that case maybe Jake and Josh are more alike than I thought.” I pondered aloud.

“Ahh, so you have already met Josh. Lucky you.” He nudged me with his elbow.

I retrieved my tea from his hands and inhaled the steaming beverage before taking a sip. The flavors of passionfruit and hibiscus enveloped my senses.

“How is it?” He asked me, hands propping himself up on the counter.

“It’s brilliant, really, thank you.” I replied. It was true, the tea was amazing. I took another sip and a few drops of my drink slipped its way out of the lid and onto my chin.

“Careful there, you don’t want to get any on that pretty scarf of yours.” Danny said, as he handed me a napkin. I gingerly took it from his hands and wiped the liquid off of my face as I thanked him.

He was so gentle with his actions. Wiping his espresso stained hands with the rag in the pocket of his apron before tucking it back into its rightful place. Everything he did was so calculated. He was so poised. He looked up at me before speaking.

“Anything else I can do for you?” He asked. He was kindly insinuating to me that he had work to do and couldn’t dawdle with me for much longer. I shook my head no and turned to leave the establishment after thanking him once again.

The rest of the day consisted of me doing homework, working on my internship paperwork and checking in with my therapist before finally working up the nerve to return my mother’s calls. After two rings she abruptly answered.

“So you’re alive then.”

“Yes, mother. I’m sorry I didn’t call you sooner. I know I promised–”

She cut me off with a disapproving tut. “Y/N, making excuses is a terrible habit of yours and quite frankly it’s unbecoming for a woman of your status.”

“I’m sorry, mother.” I meekly replied.

“As you have already said.” She took a sip of something. I pictured her nursing a giant glass of Chardonnay at 3 o’clock in the afternoon.

“Well, one of my Professors told me about an internship at a recording studio in Albany! I am still finishing up the official application, however, he all but said the opportunity is mine if I want it.”

“Albany… New York?” I could practically hear the disapproval across the phone. “What kind of reputable music producer operates out of Albany of all places? You couldn’t find anything in Manhattan?”

“Mother, do you know how far Manhattan is from Boston? It’s almost twice as long of a drive than it is to Albany. All that time driving would take away from time studying, don’t you agree?” I was desperately hoping she would see my point.

“You know, I still don’t know why you had to transfer to that practically nanoscopic excuse of a university. Back home in Nashville you could have any opportunity you wanted, all at your fingertips.”

“That is the point. I desperately want to carry on your legacy and make you proud, but I think I will feel more of a sense of accomplishment if I do it myself. I don’t want to have to rely on the privileges being your daughter gives me. I want to work hard and earn things by my own merit.”

“Well you don’t seem to mind cashing the checks I send you every week.” She snidely responded.

I slowly inhaled, holding my breath and releasing before responding. I knew she wanted to get a rise out of me. “You know how much I appreciate your financial help. As I have said before, if you would prefer I get a job on top of my full time course load and potential internship, then that can be arranged.”

“Oh so is that what you want?” Her voice had increased by several octaves. She started yelling down the phone. “You want to be cut off?” She threatened. I felt the slow rage creeping up my neck.

“Maybe I do!” I fought back.

“You will regret ever speaking to me this way, Y/N.” And with that, the call disconnected.

✦✦✦

With one hand, I clutched the wool coat I was wearing closed across my chest. I was running late and I didn’t want to make a bad impression on Josh or his friends. The other hand held my phone with Josh’s message indicating the address I was supposed to show up at tonight. I rushed down the busy sidewalk, glancing up at the numbers on the buildings until I found the establishment. Nerves suddenly set in– whether that was lingering from the disastrous phone call with my mother or because I was about to hang out with a new group of people was yet to be determined.

I shot off a text to Josh, simply saying ‘Here! :)’, adding the emoticon knowing he would appreciate it.

I was shivering at this point, despite wearing a thick pair of tights and my favorite boots. The pink slip dress did little to warm me, but the silkiness of the fabric and memories it elicited felt like a comfort in this moment. Before I could contemplate if Josh had even seen my text, the heavy door to the building pushed open before a head popped out with a mess of curls and a big, beautiful smile.

“You made it!” His words came out louder than intended, and he slurred slightly. “This dress is amazing!” He held the soft fabric between his fingers. I noticed he was already slightly tipsy by how touchy-feely he was being, but then again, maybe that was another distinct characteristic to Josh’s exuberant persona.

“Hey, you started without me!” I teased.

“Don’t worry about it, you just need to catch up, come! Let’s get some drinks in you!” he replied, waving his hand around in a circle.

Josh led me through the crowd of people by the small of my back. It was a comforting motion, seeing as though I was essentially surrounded by strangers. We landed at the bar, where Josh gestured to the bartender and held up two fingers. Not even a minute later, two shots of clear liquid and two wedges of lime were placed in front of us.

“Bajabule! Drink up mama!” He bellowed.

I sniffed the liquid curiously, scrunching my face in distaste. “Josh, what on earth is this?”

“Tequila!” He clinked our shot glasses together before downing his in one sip. He slid the lime between his lips and sucked. It was as if he didn’t even feel the burn of the liquor.

“I don’t know about this, Josh. I don’t usually drink tequila…” The uncertainty was clearly depicted on my face.

He looked at me with the most heart melting expression, those big brown eyes like saucers as he pouted. “Just one, for me! To our newfound friendship!”

I relented, “Fine, just one!”

The liquor burned as I suppressed a gag. Josh handed me my lime wedge which didn’t do much to soothe the fire in my throat. After a few minutes, and, admittedly, another shot, my belly felt warm. A blush crept to my cheeks and a giddy smile took over my face. I was definitely a lightweight and I was starting to feel the effects.

“Are you ready to meet the whole gang?” He slung his arm over my shoulder and carefully led me to a booth at the back of this little bar. As we maneuvered our way around the throngs of tipsy college kids, I realized there was a little stage in the corner where a band had been playing. Bodies swayed to the music, everyone looked so carefree and lively.

“Y/N, this is the gang! Gang, this is Y/N!” Josh shouted over the music.

“Hi, gorgeous! I’m Sam, but my friends call me Sammy.” The tall, long haired boy stood up and offered his hand to shake. I shook his hand politely and nodded my head, offering him a wide smile in acknowledgment. He looked incredibly similar to Josh and Jake. “I’m the little brother.” He winked at me and motioned with his thumb to Josh.

Josh cleared his throat, “and this is…”

“Danny!!!” I squealed, recognizing the friendly face in front of me and hugging him tightly. The liquor was definitely getting the better of me.

“So I see you’ve already met Daniel?” Josh said, curiously.

“He makes the best hot beverages on the entire East coast!” I chuckled to myself. “At least ten times better than the ones Jake makes, anyways.” I finished, rolling my eyes in faux annoyance before the grin on my face returned.

A peachy color covered Danny’s cheeks and nose at the compliment. He opened his mouth to say something, before abruptly closing it, looking over my shoulder cautiously. I spun on my heel, maybe a little too fast and had to be steadied by a pair of arms behind me. I giggled as I went to look up and thank my saviour, but instead I was met with a murderous glare from none other than Jake.

“What is she doing here?” He spoke through gritted teeth, to everyone but me it seemed.

I cautiously slipped out of his grasp and took a seat next to Danny before fiddling with the ends of my bow behind my neck. I was wondering if anyone else clocked the malicious intent behind his voice or noticed how irritated he was by my presence.

“I met Y/N yesterday at the library, we got to talking, and I figured I’d invite her out with us.” Josh spoke, cheery as he retold the events from last night.

I looked up at Jake and gave him a very meek smile in an attempt to console his attitude and perhaps put up a nice veneer for the rest of the group at the table. He turned to me and muttered a brief ‘hey’, devoid of any emotion and the look in his eyes still evident. I said ‘hello’ in response before turning my attention to the table in front of me.

“I’m gonna go get another drink, I’ll be right back.” Jake spoke, addressing the whole group, and curtly turned towards the bar.

I couldn’t help but follow him with my eyes as he walked further away from us. He looked really good tonight, a dark blue collared long sleeve, slightly wrinkled and rolled up to his elbows, the top half buttons undone and a few scattered wooden necklaces peaking out. He donned a pair of black skinny jeans that I noticed to be his go to pair of pants, as I had seen him wear them multiple times before in class. His hair messily tied in a low bun and with a few strands fallen from his bangs tucked behind his ears. Oh and he clearly loved rings, he had a plethora of them on his hands, all a rusty silver, and one of them being a hair tie he had wrapped around his middle finger. In my slightly inebriated state I didn’t even realize how long I was staring at Jake until his twin snapped a finger in front of my face, bringing me out of my drunken daze.

“You alright, mama?” he giggled, clearly privy to my obvious distraction.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good, that tequila really was something.” I replied in hopes of excusing my behavior.

“So, you and Jake seem to be real pals huh?” Josh questioned, a small smirk painting his cheeks. He looked at me expectantly, as if he knew what I was going to say.

“Well we haven’t really gotten off to a great start, I don’t think he’s very friendly, or he just doesn’t like me much, and I’m pretty sure it’s the latter.” I replied, sighing softly and looking at the art and posters on the wall next to us.

“Yea, well you're definitely on his mind to say the least.” Josh stated slyly before reaching over and taking a sip of Sammy’s beer. He wore a shit eating grin on his face. This fucker did know something. I turned to him and stared at him incredulously. ‘What did he say?’, I thought to myself. I cocked my head before asking him the blistering question on the back burner of my brain.

“What do you mean?” I scoffed, looking at him curiously.

“Oh you know, stuff about how you’re this rich girl, with a hot shot music producer mom, he thinks you’re a nepotism baby, ranted on and on about you and your music experience. That kind of stuff.”

I couldn’t help but look taken aback at his reply. Buying myself a few seconds to formulate a response, I grabbed the beer out of Josh’s hands and took a good few gulps.

“Hey! That’s mine!” Sammy whined.

“He doesn’t know anything about me, he listened to a segment our professor gave regarding me and my mother, that was it.” I said directed to Josh, a shocked and defensive tone on my tongue. He raised his hands up and gave me an nonchalant glance.

“Hey, don’t shoot the messenger, that’s just what he said about you, and as your new friend, I’m just telling you about all the latest gossip.” He said, with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“Oh and don’t get me started on your blue scarf, he hates it with a burning passion! He talks about how it makes you look like the most pretentious girl on Earth… and how it sits so perfectly on your shoulders and frames your face.” Josh continued, but this time his words were almost a mocking tone, like he was mimicking what Jake had said about the scarf, and me apparently.

Danny was giggling now too, the beer in his hands slightly sloshing in the glass as he gently shook with laughter. He added in his own piece to the conversation. “Oh I’m pretty sure his exact words were, ‘I hate the way she wears it, she thinks she’s such a princess.” he finished.

Even Sam joined in with the jesting, he snatched his beer back and giggled, his head tilting back to meet the leather booth seat. Clearly they thought this was hilarious, all laughing at my expense.

At this moment I felt so small. “Is that what you all think?” I muttered, nervously, biting at the edge of my thumbnail.

The laughing seemed to die down. Danny choked on a sip of his beer, “wh-what?” He sputtered.

“No, Y/N. I’m sorry if you thought we were making fun of you. You’re cool. This is about Jake.” Sammy offered a consoling smile.

“He has been acting like he’s had a stick up his ass for months now.” Josh snickered before adding, “...and he’s taking all that out on you.”

“I don’t understand.” I felt even more confused by Jake’s behavior than ever. His attitude started long before I transferred here, so why did he treat me the way he did?

Before the guys could offer an explanation, Jake strolled up to the table with a drink in each hand. He was swaying slightly and his eyes were glazed over. He was obviously much more intoxicated than before.

“Alright boys, I challenge you to a game of pool. Loser buys the next round.” Jake announced in a distinctly British accent.

Danny groaned but Sam jumped up excitedly. “I’ve been waiting for Oliver Reed to show up all night!” He guffawed, looping his arm around Jake’s shoulder. “You’re on!”

The three of them made their way to an open pool table, while Josh hung behind for a second. His eyes caught mine and we shared a look that I couldn’t quite place. He had an uncharacteristically serious expression on his face, he opened his mouth before deciding to close it again, thinking better about whatever he was going to say.

“So… Oliver Reed, huh?” I snorted, attempting to lighten the mood.

“Ugh, don’t get me started on his fucking drunken alter ego.”

The boys were animatedly discussing who would play who. I could hear Sammy challenge Danny, leaving Jake sulking. The game was absolutely riveting to watch. These grown men got so childishly competitive over a game and quite frankly, it was entertaining. I was really starting to warm up to these people. As the game came to a close, with Danny reigning victorious, he finally beckoned Jake to play him next.

“Alright pretty boy, let’s see what you’ve got.” Oliver, I mean Jake, drawled.

If I thought the last game was heated, this one was something else. Tensions were high, even the other patrons were eagerly awaiting the outcome of the game. Watching Jake methodically pace the length of the table, calculating his hits before taking them, all of it was strangely alluring. He was dedicated, I would give him that. He took the last hit to the 8 ball and sunk it, earning a round of cheers from the crowd of onlookers that had gathered around. Even I found myself cheering as he won.

“Who’s next?” He challenged.

“Y/N!” Josh offered without hesitation, leading to a collective turning of heads towards our location.

“I, I– No, I can’t, I mean I–” I felt like I was choking on my words.

“Ha what, are you scared? A little fraidy cat, are you, love?” Jake taunted in the cockney accent he had been using all night.

Josh physically pushed me forward. “She is a suitable challenger!” He announced in a distinguished voice.

I was sweating, with the heat of the stares from those around me and the shitty fluorescent lights. I had to win this game. Grabbing a pool cue and rubbing the chalk on the end, I broke and questioned “stripes or solids?” innocently.

Jake faltered for a second, clearly not expecting me to participate in the challenge.

“Well?” I cocked my head to the side and batted my eyelashes, enjoying seeing him at a loss for words.

“Solids.” He gulped.

We went for three rounds before the other guys drunkenly called it. “Jake, you lost, bro!”

“You got your ass beat!” A random patron called.

“She’s a cheater… sh-she cheated, she gets everything she w-wants” Jake hiccuped, dramatically flailing his arms around, almost knocking someone’s drink from their hand.

“Okay, bud, let’s get you home.” Josh grimaced at me before beckoning his brother out of the building.

I felt untouchable, the look on Jake’s face was enough to sustain me for a lifetime. I had finally checked HIS ego; the words of a sore loser could not hurt me.

Danny sidled up next to me. I had noticed he had nursed the one beer through the night.

“Want a ride home? The Kiszka’s are going to Uber.” He graciously offered.

“That would be great, actually!”

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