Happy Thanksgiving y’all! Like @analoguedreamer said - I’m grateful for the community here - plus of course about a billion other things. Whether you’re celebrating today or not, I hope this post finds you joyful 🦃 “Open up the windows, let the light in” … // #lostmaples #outdoors #nature #hiking #camping #texas #autumn #november #thanksgiving #gratitude #letthelightin #film #instantfilm #dianainstantsquare #texasgirlphotography https://www.instagram.com/p/ClWft3quqYD/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
Just some pretty scenes from my commute yesterday. Got caught in the rain in town and had a pretty wet adventure back up the mountain. Second picture happened right when the rain stopped and I couldn’t help but stop along with it to enjoy a bit of heaven after riding through hell. ・・・ #growninhaiti #rainbows #unicorns #haiti #ayiti #letthelightin #commute #islandlife #mountainlife #liverhelifeyoulove #lovethelifeyoulive https://www.instagram.com/p/CMUdve9FqBK/?igshid=156d6u25b49w2
I’d like to be at this kitchen sink, looking out over those potted herbs are they? My kitchen at Lorinna had a plate rack. Not as big as this one however but it was close to the sink, which meant I could wash, dry and put away without having to move. I also had beautiful wooden parquetry bench tops which I loved.
The little book alcove is just my style. Books, a few paintings, a single flower in that vase, a shelf to hold objet and warmth.
And that room at the top! It’s full of light and space, comfort and possibilities. The outside doesn’t just seem to come inside, it is inside! There’s somewhere to sit and relax, there are plenty of books and it looks to me like a room that’s well loved and much used. If it was mine it would be more cluttered ha!
(via An Eclectic Shopfront-Turned-Sharehouse in Collingwood)
this morning I was in my childhood bedroom getting ready for the day, and as I was looking for something to wear, I was reminded of the recent turmoil I have been through in removing myself from a toxic relationship of four years. we got evicted from our first apartment together last year, so I am now lying on the safety net my parents put out for me the night I called them crying to announce my latest defeat.
I have been living with them for four months now - something I would not have predicted during that phone call as their 24-year-old daughter. in fact, I’m typing this on their desktop because my laptop did not survive the violent existence that was my lover and I living together.
being back in this suburb of a town barely large enough to be called a city much less out of choice than I would prefer is a daily reminder of the corners my ex constantly drove me into. I let him push me around and manipulate me because I believed things between us could get better again if I listened to him and obeyed.
however, it started slowly sinking in that the mental abuse was more intentional than I wanted to accept. my momma had tried to gently suggest he was keeping me on edge to induce panic attacks that got increasingly worse, as this gave him a defined reason to be angry with me. my emotional outbursts were always a huge issue between us, and at times I felt punished for them. but of course the thought of this was crushing, and I pushed the idea back out of my mind and tried my best to reinforce the alternative possibility: he was just stressed in a different environment than he was accustomed to and not doing well under the pressure. he was still with me; why would he stay just to hurt me more?
my walk-in closet now looks like whoever organized it used an abstract painting as the model for the desired aesthetic. this is because I allowed my ex to reorder any facet of my living space he wished. I paid every bill at our place, covered all the living expenses for us and our pets, and he stayed home for over a year without working while I never got a chance to decorate and set up our things the way that would help me. I’m not sure exactly how it helped him to constantly change everything I ever put in place, but this was just a predicted part of coming home to him after a while. to avoid further disappointment and pain, I just assumed anything I was looking forward to having when I got there would already be gone. and it almost always was.
I got dressed today, but not without bursting into tears from the overwhelming thought that I don’t know where a lot of my clothes and belongings are. my natural response was to give up and go back to bed for the rest of the day, but somehow I resisted this idea. he moved things around on so many occasions in the few months he had free reign over my bedroom and boxes of things in my parents’ garage from our apartment. basically none of it makes sense to my organizational style now and it will take a lot of time and energy to make up for his destructive, chaotic patterns to restore sanity in my own environment.
this past weekend, I admitted to a friend and my older cousin how my ex mistreated me, and learned I have loved ones who can relate all too well to what I had been going through. I truly believed all the miles and miles of shit storm I drove through were created solely by my shortcomings and insufficiency as a partner. but now that he is gone, I’m still here affected by the scars he left. I faced absolute misery as I lied in bed the entire first week he was gone (this time) and grieved the loss of our love. even taking into account the cold waves of devastation I struggle to stay afloat in, I have been a brighter, smilier, kylie-er version of myself for almost two weeks now in the absence of his presence.
today I’m purposefully beginning the documentation of my experiences and thoughts so it will be more difficult to convince myself I will ever actually be okay in a relationship with him. I do this in hopes that I will continue to treat myself decently as a person on this planet, and maybe even be okay long-term someday.
if you have read this, you should know it is okay to take a step back and be proud of yourself just for making it out alive - even if you have nothing else to look upon positively about yourself or what you have done. it may not feel true in your mind, but you have the power to give yourself another chance to make your life better, safer, happier. there is light beyond the darkness. you just must go there, and leave everything else behind.
this song is currently on repeeeeat 💜 y’all should definitely check out her album because it came out today and I’ve been listening to her music for five years soooo I can say that IT. IS. GOOD! 🙌🏻 • • • • • #letthelightin #francescabattistelli #ownit #handlettering #lettering #calligraphy #ipadlettering #emlettering https://www.instagram.com/p/BpapEY6g04n/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1nfxn5lkyelxc