#Milie Small

[vinylespassion]

Milie Small, chanteuse jamaïcaine, a acquis une renommée mondiale grâce à son tube « My Boy Lollipop » en 1964. Ce titre fut l'un des premiers succès internationaux de la musique ska et reste l'un des singles les plus vendus de cette ère, avec plus de six millions d'exemplaires vendus à travers le monde. La chanson a aidé à introduire la musique jamaïcaine au grand public international.

[divinegrump]

*What I tell people:*

Queer

*What it maybe sort of means:*

Agender, genderqueer, ace spec, pan-alterous, t4t leaning (very much), potentially poly but would that work in practice/is that something I can do w Trauma???

[marbled-polecat]

@indira-korr said that I need more 'kama shenanigans' well, I tried and it became wholesome! XD

Echo and Fives absolutely keep their gear immaculate so these were freshly cleaned and needed help 'air dying'. XD Their adopted siblings are more than willing to 'help'!

Link to AO3 HERE

[very-uncorrect]

僕らは夢を見る

大切な誰かと

小指を結んで

離さないように

ゆびきりげんまん

唱えた

There's just something about the way these lyrics are sung that makes them so goddamn pretty and I can't get over it

[thelamebat]

what kinda tiny ass bees and wasps have you seen

[redheadspark]

Here (Part Three and Final Part)

Summary - Azriel's mate pulls through, but Azriel sets a new target on the one who almost took his mate.

Warnings - Angst with a hint of fluff mixed in

A/N - Part of the Ocean Eyes Series. Here is the last part of this small three-part series, by popular demand. I hope you like it!

Part One

Part Two

Azriel felt himself flying out of the guest room, thankfully moving his son safely to the side of the bed to let him sleep. But you were in his mind, hearing your voice calling out to him so gently and yet strained simultaneously. He was beyond fast, going across the hallway in a mili-second and bursting into your room. He stood still at the doorway, seeing the blue tint of the room thanks to the moonlight and how you were squirming a bit in your position on the bed. Almost as if you were waking up from an unpleasant dream. You squinted, your nose twitching a bit as you took in a sharp inhale. 

Azriel…what happened…

"Honey, hey," Azriel said in such a rush and trembled as he made his way over to him, pushing the chair to the side abruptly to be kneeling and in front of your face. He reached up to touch your cheek, his palm against your cheek lovingly as you took in another breath that sounded a bit uncomfortable. Finally, he saw you open your eyes right at him and he finally smiled, tears in his eyes as your gorgeous blue eyes were looking back at his hazel ones. Azriel only said three words, there words that were simple but moved your heart:

"There's my girl,"

All the worry he had, the fears of you dying in front of him and leaving him this world, they no longer existed. You were there, safe and alive, watching him with weary but comforting eyes. Azriel felt like he could breathe again, finally taking in a long breath since it felt like he was holding it in for so long. The last several hours were filled with worry, despair, rage, and devastation at the notion of Azriel watching you slip away from him. He was already thinking over every scenario that could happen to him, but now he simply wished to fall to his knees in both happiness and exhaustion from being on edge for far too long. 

"Az?" You finally voice, your voice so raw and yet still gentle. Azriel beamed, tears down his face from hearing your voice finally. How he missed your voice, the warmth it brought like the sun rays on a summer day. Hearing it in the bond was one thing, but to finally hear It with his ears, made the tension that he carried fly away and out the window.

He took out a long breath, attempting to remain composed in front of you as you were searching his eyes, but it was all too much for him. He hid his face for a brief moment into his arm, the last thing he wanted to do was to show his tears to do since you were the one who was hurting and near death. Although you were still in the same pain and drowsy, you were concerned seeing your mate in such a way in front of you, 

"Azriel, what.." You were about to ask, not understanding what was going on, but Azriel inhaled sharply and looked back at you. You saw the pain in his eyes, pain that was mixed relief and grief as he scanned your eyes.

"I'm just fucking glad you're okay," He hummed, his voice sounding so broken but also ecstatic at the same time. He leaned forward, kissing your cheeks and forehead over and over while his hands cradled your face and stayed so close to you.  You heard it and saw it, how he was so worried and now relived that you were there and breathing.

"Cauldron, don't you dare scare me like that again," he said against your hair as he cradled your face in his palms, you feeling some of his tears hit your cheeks and nose. You carefully reached up to touch his wrists, holding him there like an anchor as you were letting him kiss you all over and touch you. 

The last thing you remembered was trying to fly into the sky, masked men chasing after you and attempting to ambush you, and then the searing pain that blossomed throughout your entire body. The scream from your lips was almost animalistic as your vision went cold and you fell from the sky, limp and cold.

But now you were there, warm in a bed and Azriel in front of you with fresh tears.

"Where am I?" You asked, looking around at the room you were in. Azriel moving the hair from your eyes and rubbing your arms soothingly.

"River House," Azriel explained, "Cassian found you out cold and brought you here. You've been asleep for a good 9 hours, baby,"

You attempted to sit up a bit, in hopes to maybe gather your bearings, but you froze and gasped out in pain. The entirety of your back had a spasm from the shocking pain and you whimper. Your wings felt so stiff and painful, especially your left wing, almost like it was on fire as Azriel wrapped you in his arms and helped you go back to your side.

"Your wings are still healing, rest for me," He urged you as you sighed and took in a few long breaths, "Madja got most of the poison out from your wing but there's still some left,"

It made you look at him in shock from the news that there's poison in your wing. No wonder you were feeling insane pain, to the point that moving your wing would be almost like torture so to speak. You recalled that searing white pain when you were flying up in the sky, the pain was large enough to have you lose your breath and then pass out cold, paralyzing you within seconds. 

You shot an alarmed look at Azriel, "Where's Alec? Is he safe? Is he—" You were about to ramble several questions all at once about your son, who was now in your mind at the forefront of your worries. 

"He's okay, sweetheart. Alec's safe and okay. Look, he's asleep right across the hall, see?" Azriel said to you, you looking out the door that was left abruptly open. Even from your spot on the bed, you could see Alec, tucked away in bed amongst the messy sheet and snoring away with his head on the pillow.  Watching your son shift in his sleep, his black hair was that was growing out a bit too long against the dark blue satin pillows, you smiled at the view. There was your son, safe and sound, sleeping as if nothing was going to harm him. 

Just the way you both wanted.

"He's worried about his momma, just like I am," Azriel explained, his voice solemn as you looked from your sleeping son to your mate, watching him scan your body up and down with his wide eyes. Although you knew his worry was valid from what happened to you, you also wanted to bring Azriel would have the current headspace he was in, which was dark and almost sickening. So you moved your own hands up to cup his cheeks and face, feeling how flushed he was along his skin and almost clammy. 

You leaned up and kissed him, his lips were soothing to you since it felt like years since you kissed him last. Azriel instantly caved and melted into your touch as he cupped your jaw with one hand and the other moving down along your waist to tuck you in close without harming your damaged wings. You both needed this kiss, not in a lustful manner but in such a way like lovers who have been separated for some time. It felt like it, you missing his warmth and his soothing touch for however long you were unconscious and slipping in and out of reality. It felt like you were in some deep sleep that had no dreams or nightmares, but almost like you were walking in the form of direction. 

Kissing Azriel was your direction, your guided path, and it felt like you were found again.

You barely pulled away from him, breathing in the scent that only Azriel would carry while you were still caressing his face with your fingers and watching him with love in your eyes, "I'm right here, Azriel. I'm right here and breathing and I'm not going anywhere,"

"You better not," He hummed, almost in a light joke but the emotion was still there in his voice, "You're not allowed to leave me In this world,"

"Never," You vowed, that single word rang in the air between you two in the small room. You still had plenty of questions about what happened, from what you remembered last and what occurred in between. Did Azriel know what happened to you? Did the others know and find out through him? 

Who was it that did this to you?

Perhaps your husband and mate knew you were thinking deeply, from the look on your face made him stare at you lovingly," You don't need to worry about it, my love,"

Of course, you were going to worry, waking up in a foreign bed and insane pain from almost being poisoned to death. Youknew you were in no unmarked territory or area that you shouldn't be in.  In actuality, you knew the woods for centuries and were familiar with the layout. So you weren't lost, nor were you in a nasty situation. Which only left…

"Who was it?" You croaked out, Azriel's eyes going a bit big from the sudden question from you. But you were alert and watching him intently, to which he was shocked by what you meant. 

Azriel shook his head, "No, no. Don't worry about it right now, okay?"

"Az—" You were about to argue, but he interrupted you.

"That's for me to deal with, not you," he stated to you, you searching his eyes and seeing something a pinch darker. Hetook in a long inhale, "I'm going to take care of it, I need to. Someone tried to take you from me, and I can't let that go,"

He sounded so broken in that moment with what he said to you, the protective side of Azriel was visible over his eyes and in how he was even kneeling next to the bed. Stiff, on alert, and almost mechanical.  This side of Azriel was more prone to inflict fears onto others, to bring even the strongest of men to their knees. You have only seen it a few times in all the life you had with him, and it felt like you were seeing it all over again.

"Stay with me, tonight. Stay Azriel, please," you pleaded with him, thinking having him with you would be the safer option than for him to go out on a rampage. Even with the several questions ringing in your mind, somehow you were willing to just be with your mate. You are also trying to distract him from doing something he would regret in the end, and Azriel reluctantly takes the bait. He sighed, inhaling deeply and then nodding.

"Okay," He hummed, the anger that was threatening to overcome him was now diminishing and evaporating into the air. Maybe he sensed your worry over him, the panic that he may do something that would make him be filled with regret. Carefully, but with swift movement that seemed so fluid, he scooped you in his arms. You clung to him, feeling a bit of the pain as he kissed your forehead and knelt on the bed. He gently got you back on the bed, though he was now on his back and having your head tucked into his neck.  Your arms around him, being able to use his body now instead of a body pillow that you were attached to for several hours, and breathing in his musky and yet gentle scent.

Azriel cradled you close in his arms, finding that love again as your body was against his, your hair against his cheek and nose, and feeling your heartbeat against his own.  This was his center again, the fact that you were awake and there with Azriel made him feel safe all over again. The last 9 hours were hell, torture upon himself since he had no way to help you or make you wake up for him. But not anymore, and the happiness he thought he lost was slowly coming again in wave after wave.

"I love you," You hummed, your energy was dropping as sleep was about to overcome you. Azriel held you a pinchtighter as you felt his fingers in your long hair.

"I love you more than the stars in all of Prythian," He vowed against your head, you feeling his fingers move along your hair and his lips along your forehead, "I got you right here, get some sleep,"

While you were holding him gently and falling back asleep, a smile was now etched on your lips with the sense of security in your mind that your husband and mate were both holding and protecting you, Azriel was already thinking of what he was going to do with your attacker and whoever else was behind this. Even while you were alive and well, he still had the protective streak about him and that side that was locked away. 

It's been some time since he let his Spymaster side come out full throttle, maybe it was time for it to happen again. 

"High Lord Beron informed me that Eris went rogue,"

Azriel rubbed his face in his hand, both in frustration and with the anger festering under his skin as he was sitting across from Rhysand in his office. Cassian was chatting with you in the room where you are recovering, Nesta and little Rose accompanying him as they were giving you some company.  Alec too was with you, not once leaving your side when he woke up and found you awake in your bed and happy to see him. Azriel knew then that he needed to talk to Rhysand and Cassian about the meeting they had with High Lord Beron the night before while he was with you. Though he was furious that they both conducted with him present, he also knew why: he would have torn the room to pieces in anger beyond reason.

"We showed him the arrow, and he recognized it from Eris's security and their stash of arrows. Not to mention the poison that the arrow was drenched in. He found out Eris left Autumn Court an hour before the attack happened, and hasn't returned since," Rhysand explained to Azriel, seeing how his shadows were fuming from near this news. Cassian side-eyed Azriel, feeling the tension himself as he cleared his throat. 

"Beron doesn't condone what he did, and he claims that it's not a representation of Autumn Court," He said halfheartedly.

"Cassian," Rhysand said in a warning tone, but Cassian simply glared back at him.

"I'm not gonna sugar coat it, Rhys. I don't buy what Beron said: it came from his Court and that makes me suspicious of him," Cassian explained in a shrug.

"I agree, but I also need to take into account that Beron would not place his own Court in the line of fire. He hasn't since the war, why would he do that now?" Rhysand countered back, Cassian huffed silently as he leaned back in his chair. Rhysand focused back on Azriel, who was still quiet throughout the exchange and looking down at his scarred hand that clutched the arm of his chair. Rhysand could talk to him through his bond with him, he's done it in the past. But something about this moment, seeing his Spymaster and his brother, trying to hold it together, he didn't want to pry his mind. It felt too emotional for him, too raw even, to even tap into his mind.

"Beron has soldiers looking for him, and he had made it his personal mission to search for Eris. We also have permission to find him with our men since this happened in our Court," Rhysand explained to Azriel, motioning his head over to Cassian, "Cassian volunteered Illyrians to comb the sky and the woodlands as we speak. If he is found in our territory, we can punish him as we see fit."

Once again, Azriel said nothing, to which both Rhysand and Cassian gave him uneasy looks since the calm demeanor that Azriel was giving off was unsettling. Neither one of them seen him so calm, so collected almost, especially considering his mate nearly died hours before. 

"I've already warned the other High Lords in case he does hide out in the other Courts, though I did not close the details and what precisely happened. All of them agreed to notify us if he does show up in their territories, and if he is found—"

"He's mine," Azriel finally spoke, his voice low and raw. Both Cassian and Rhysand shot a look at him, seeing him slowly uncurling his fingers from the arm of the chair. Marks were seen in the wood from his nails, to which his palm was facing up and he made a small fist.

"Azriel, you need to focus on your mate and your son, not Eris," Rhysand gently reminded him, but Azriel shook his head once.

"He's mine," He repeated, his eyes not swaying from looking at his scarred hand. Cassian was looking at him in concern now as Azriel was sitting so still, not blinking once.

"Az," Cassian was about to chime in, but Azriel jumped up abruptly for the chair with such force the chair fell back behind him and bounced off the floor.  The fury in his stance, the heated stare that illuminated his hazel eyes, even his shadows were radiating off his body as he glared at Rhsyand in front of him.

"HE WENT AFTER MY WIFE!" He bellowed, his voice booming off the walls with such a force that it was almost deafening.  Both the High Lord of Night Court and the Illyrian Army Commander were silent, almost afraid themselves as Azriel was still glaring at Rhysand.

"My…fucking…wife. He wanted her dead….and he went after Alec when he was a babe. I'm done with him and with this," Azriel growled, his scarred hands clenched so tight Rhysand saw the veins pop out in contrast to his scars, "I am done letting him sliding through my fingers. I watched my own wife nearly die in my arms Rhys, enough is enough. Don't you fucking dare tell me you wouldn't feel the same if it was Feyre who was nearly killed,”

Azriel was heated, he might have crossed a line mentioning his High Lady, but he was agitated and no longer wished to be composed. Rhysand felt the pain, and deep down he was right: Rhysand would feel the same if Feyre was the one who was hurt. He would have reprimanded Azriel for mentioning Feyre, but he wasn't going to. Not when Azriel was right. Azriel looked over at Cassian.

"Or you with Nesta," he said, Cassian inwardly growled from the thought of Nesta being in that position. 

"I want his head on a spike," Azriel stated as he looked back at his High Lord, "He needs to pay from these past years breathing fear down my family's back for his amusement.  I need to know, here and now, that he is mine when he is caught. DoI have your word?"

He was asking Rhsyand, both as his High Lord and also as his brother and friend. He could go against Rhysand if he needed to, his mind was simply on ending Eris and eliminating the threat against his family.  No matter what it took, the length and the commitment, he would. But this was one last ditch effort for Azriel to get his High Lord's permission, the last inch of sanity he had.

Rhsyand, giving him a solemn look knowing that Azriel was driven in this, took in a long inhale.

"You have my word," He replied, sealing Eris's hate.

The End.

Tagging - @valeridarkness @impossibelle @acourtofbatboydreams @prettylittlewrites @fxckmiup @sizzlingstarlightsky @iluvyewman-blog @masbt1218 @a-courtof-azriel @homeslices @zanzie @topaz125 @saltedcoffeescotch @he6rtshaker @tenshis-cake @pruvii

[mimixmunson]

I have a habbit of messing up peoples names, ive called my mom my brothers name. Sometimes ill start with someone elses name and correct myself like sara-mily or i get it early so its just the first letter like saying ch-steve

I was just thinking about bestfriends eddie x reader where reader accidentally calls eddie daddy because theyre so similar. She goes to say a d name but catches herself and says eddie. She was talking fast and didnt even catch herself saying it until eddies like "did you just call me daddy?"

Accidentally calling Eddie ‘Daddy’. Eddie Munson x female reader. Blurb. Fluff.

I hope this is okay, I’m sick at the moment so it’s kinda self indulgent but I tried to personalise it a bit for you!

The night was like any other of yours and Eddie’s movie nights. Bags of candy spilled out on the floor, blankets swallowing you both up and a blunt being passed between you. Today was tiring, work couldn’t be more stressful and of course you were understaffed. Eddie came to pick you up at closing time, he already had your cup of tea in his cup-holder. It was the small things you appreciated the most from your best friend.

You had your head on his chest, because Eddie said “it will help your migraine I promise.” You wanted to believe him but the smirk on his face just showed he wanted to look after you. Eddie held his palm to your forehead, “you’re burning up a little, I’ll get you some medicine. Wait right here.” He ushers himself out from the blankets and into the kitchen. Rooting through the cupboards as you pause the movie, he reappears holding a bottle and a medicine spoon. Pouring the contents onto the spoon, “open up darling” he smirks as he feeds you.

You wince at the taste of the bitter medicine, swiftly taking a swig of your soda to wash away the taste. Wiping your mouth you whisper, “thank you d-daddy” “e-Eddie I meant Eddie!!” Your face flushes immediately, wanting the ground to swallow you up as you blurt out your sentence. Your brain was on auto pilot and Eddie and Daddy sounded far too similar for your mouth to comprehend whilst you’re suffering so bad with your migraine.

“What was that? Did you just call me daddy?” Eddie smirks, teasing you as he pulls your hands away from your blushing face.

“I- no! The words got scrambled in my head m’sorry I’m so embarrassed, I’m sorry.” You pull away from Eddie’s touch, bringing your knees to your chest and resting your head on them. Terrified that you’ve ruined your friendship, how could Eddie not see you differently after calling him that? A word so not-inherently bad but turned kinky and shameful, he could assume you’re into that. Not that it would be a bad thing to be kinky, you just weren’t.

“Hey hey hey.” Eddie pulls at your arms, “just look at me.” His voice is like velvet, so comforting but you’re shaking. Wishing you could be ignorant and never face this issue. “Come on princess, just want to see you smile.” You can almost hear the smirk in his voice.

You stick to your guns, refusing to move and face him. “You leave me no choice then, I didn’t want to do this sweetheart. But you asked for this..” Eddie coos into your ear before teasing his fingers over your neck, ghosting over your skin and down to your sides. He pokes and prods your ribs, flailing back into Eddie’s chest, trying to swat at his hands to put an end to his ticklish assault.

“Okay! Okay!” You plead, holding on to Eddie’s wrists and looking deep into his eyes. He stills his hands, holding yours and dropping them into his lap. “I didn’t mean to say it Eddie, honestly.” Your voice stuttering as you whimpered. “It’s not a big deal. Seriously, I understand. You do that a lot with words, I’ve seen it. You’re okay. It’s okay. We’re okay.” A mischievous smile spreads over his face when he sees you let go of the breath you’ve been holding for the entire moment. Sighing, you let yourself smile, feeling safe knowing that Eddie doesn’t judge you.

“There’s that smile. Gotta hear that laugh too, you know, for daddy?” He teases before jumping on top of you and tickling you again.

[milesmoralesweetgirl]

𝑺𝑻𝑨𝑹𝑮𝑰𝑹𝑳.

𝑴𝑰𝑳𝑬𝑺 𝑴𝑶𝑹𝑨𝑳𝑬𝑺 𝑿 𝑺𝑯𝒀! 𝑭𝑬𝑴! 𝑹𝑬𝑨𝑫𝑬𝑹 𝑯𝑪’𝑺.

𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔: ooc miles, pet names.

when you and miles first 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘦𝘥 eachother is when you both got A+ on the science final.

he approached you congratulating you, he was star-struck, he thought he never seen a prettier girl than you

he noticed everything, your nervous smile, the way your cheek’s turned slightly red, and the little sigh before congratulating him back.

he thought about you alot, but was also scared of doing anything to hurt you since he still remains to be spiderman.

whenever he could he talked to you at school, talking to you about music, he knew it all, your nervous stares, your cute smiles.

he was sure that you are the one for him.

when he asked you on a date, he was relieved that you said yes, but was also in awe of your reaction, 𝘨𝘰𝘴𝘩 you are so cute.

your date went pretty smooth, the new fair in town was fun, he won a teddy bear for you and you went to almost every ride, holding your hand at every single one.

𝑫𝑨𝑻𝑰𝑵𝑮:

when you officially started dating, he went slow with you since he didn’t want to overwhelm you.

at school he always had his arm around you, and when no one was watching he’d give you a kiss on the cheek and then smirk about your reaction.

you always called him Mili, it stuck with you and even tho he doesn’t want to admit it, he loved it when your voice got small because you are tierd, muttering “good night mili.“ before you fell asleep on him.

he usually calls you baby, but at some point he started using “pretty girl.“

the first time he called you that was when he was comforting you about getting a B on your math exam, he thought B was a very good grade, but you didn’t, and it got you really emotional

he held you, playing with your hair and muttering soft praises, you were already feeling giddy about the comfort, but you straight up melted when you heard him mutter “oh, pretty girl.“

he was usually sleeping over on the weekend’s, you’d always be confused why he wasn’t there in the morning but he’d always leave a note saying something cheesy.

“good morning, pretty! :) Knock, knock! Who’s there? Frank :0 Frank who? Frank you for being perfect ;) (bad joke, sorry.)“

five months into your relationship he thought it was time to tell you the truth, he was so nervous.

you were drawing and you heard knocking on your window, you turned around seeing it was Miles.

when you opened the window he explained everything, he thought you would break up with him but instead, you hugged him, nuzzling your head on his chest

“you’re so cool, Miles.“ HE MELTED.

he knew pink was your favorite color, so he painted the spiderman mask pink and gave it to you so no one sees your face when he went to his little late night journey’s.

[third-arch]

So, I got Law's perfume.

I did one spray on my drawing pad glove and thought I'd say everything that comes to mind.

I also go nose blind really easily, so I'm posting this so I'll never forget :))!!

I chose to not use the image below and just go with it.

Here's what I was supposed to smell.

My disorganized rambling interpretation of what I smelled.

Overall, Law just smells really nice. He just smells like a guy haha. There's no better way of putting it. It smells like a fresh wooded area with eucalyptus and subtle hints of rosemary. The lemon gives it a more natural and sunshine and morning dew feeling to it. It gives it this slight edge and almost tanginess.

Clean, professional, doctor/'s office, fresh, plants, morning dew, rosemary, some mint.

It doesn't irritate my nose. It makes me feel calm. Just relaxed and happy. There's nothing in particular that makes it pop or makes me feel like waaa >////<, it's just relaxing, soothing, mature. There's a gentleness that follows, too. Like if someone was smiling softly at you or gazing softly, or like a small gentle breeze. Or even patting your head.

No sweetness nor bitterness, just gentleness and softness.

It's nice, like a slight intensity of these mature ingredients and a gentle after feeling.

The best way I'd describe it is like if someone just came out of the shower and was getting ready for the day.

Incense, like a really nice and natural incense. Even like a cologne or something.

There's no sweetness or sugary scent to it. He just smells very natural.

The first thing that I thought of is just Law's back. Like he's wearing nice clothes.

Not like the smell of fresh clothes, but just like nature and plants, specifically eucalyptus. Followed by a soft rain or drizzle. The ground still dark and slightly damp.

Sort of but not really, like if someone had spent the day working with plants at their desk, with a mortar and pestle or just working with plants indoors, and collecting them outdoors.

I think of sunshine peeking through the canopies of trees,

If I had to give it a song, it would be a Hozier song or Daylight by David Kushner. The after smell is Lavender Haze by Taylor Swift, or a more acoustic version of the song and Unidentified Flavourful Object by Mili.

This song, too,

Vivaldi Variation (Arr. for Piano from Concerto for Strings in G Minor, RV 156)

Or maybe like a piano playlist, like something by oliviaalee. Sort of but not really dark academia. (Lemon what are you talking about)

It even smells a tad like very subtly like the ocean. Just like a fresh watery, natural breeze.

I can now smell the lavender and the lemon a bit better.

A bit like fresh lavender.

I feel relaxed when smelling it. It's very mature, attractive, professional, and clean.

A quiet morning. Going on a nice evening date with your boyfriend/partner, who dressed up nice. Like a nice, black suit.

Here are some visuals of what I imagined when smelling it. Literally Daylight-David Kushner MV.

(Insert photo of law shirtless getting out of the shower/bed or wearing a suit or the back of his neck.)

Here’s a transcript of my live reaction to smelling the perfume!!

Overall, just reading this all again makes the smell familiar again :))

In the end, Law just smells like a guy, just fresh and natural.

I hope this helps some writers out there!!

[bonnymori]

(1/2) From pasta guy, to boyfriend

A/N: i'm almost at episode 1030, finally the others are showing up more like Kid, Killer and Law; can't find any new Killer fics so decided my next work should be one

WC: 2,3k

Contents/Warnings: n/a, very light fic, modern!au ig, fluff, slice of life, gn!reader, trying out new format

Synopsis: Your cravings have led you to a small local restaurant, and surprisingly, bring you to a new romantic interest.

Noodles, spaghetti, pasta.

Sometimes they are all over your tiktok's for you page, or your youtube's feed shorts. That's how you end up awake at noon, looking closely at your phone as someone makes pasta from scratch in video. One can't help it, the process is so interesting although you've watched the same thing countless times: throw in a few eggs, flour, milk and salt in a bowl, mixing that soon gives you a puffy dough, from there the process gets overcomplicated– you just know the ingredients are the same every time.

You blame them for making you so hungry, and robbing you of your sleep.

That's also how you end up in front of a small luncherie, after spending too much time craving those delicious dishes, that you actually gave in and decided to go for it.

The front of the building looks so welcoming, a mix of pastel green and beige makes for a nice touch of painting, accompanied by the large window panes that give a view of the inside. Under your feet at the entrance is a doormat that says "benvenuto!" and upon your head, at the front of the shop is written "àite milis" as in the name of the place. Honestly you have no idea of both of their meanings, but you keep the words to yourself to translate them later.

Your entry isn't as peaceful as when you arrived, though, when the door is pushed outwards in the same time as you try to push it in to enter- whoever is inside was stronger, though, as you barely dodge it when it comes swinging your way with force, as if you hadn't even tried to push it.

"Agh!" You can't help but quip as you step back, avoiding being squashed between the door and the wall.

A surprised grunt comes from the doorframe, where a tall guy with a mask stands frozen, probably shocked with what just almost happened. You can't quite see his eyes from under those blond bangs, but he is surely looking at you wide eyed from the rise of his shoulders.

"Oh my, I'm very very sorry, I didn't see you behind the door."

The guy approaches, inspecting your face for any bruises – mainly because you are still spooked and planted to your feet. His warm hand lands on your shoulder, and you can't help but notice his whole arm looks crazy toned, and your face is lined perfectly with his chest since he's crazy tall too.

You don't let those thoughts cloud for long, taking a step back to look at him properly. "Sorry! Didn't see you coming out too, I got distracted by the place, haha."

"I- …" His head tilts slightly at your saying, and you notice how long his blond hair really is, as it weaves behind him when he turns, a few strands falling upon his shoulders by the movement. "Is that so? Why do you say that?"

"Well the colors are nice! What can I say, it's my first time here." You keep yourself from explaining your reasons during every exchange between strangers, but that only gives him more fuel to continue talking.

He nods, something in his posture changes from lax to a more attentive way– actually, he sorta looks… joyful. "I see, come inside then." His hand leaves your shoulder and waves you in, walking back inside with a skip on his step, so he is happy, why?

"It looks even better on the inside."

You can hear him call as you enter behind him, truthfully, you agree. The floor is boarded (but painted white) and the tables are also made with wood material, the brown matches well with the colors on the wall, white and blue that comes in stripes. The counter is the same color as the tables, it counts with a few comfortable looking stools. How cute, the tablecloths are black with white polka dots! Everything looks delicate and under measure, you can tell the owner has put his passion on every detail.

"So, liked it?"

The silence is broken by the mysterious blonde, you maintain a normal face but inside it gave you a big sudden scare.

"Yes! I think the place looks very delicate." You say what you really thought, to you it would be the best way of describing.

He nods more than once and rubs his hands together like a fly, it's hard to guess but from the movement under his mask, he might have smiled at your compliment, who can guess it.

Why are we talking about this anyway?

"Well…" he starts, as if able to listen to your thoughts, turning his body entirely in your direction and gathering himself in a very professional stance, "You are actually my first customer, so I'd like to accompany the experience with you, if you'd let me."

First customer.

"You're the boss!?" Your jaw drops, only slightly so as to not make yourself a complete fool in front of this handsome guy.

He nods, "It's been two days since I first opened the shop, without getting any new people in, so I'm extremely glad you have chosen this establishment. I'm sorry for the, cough, harsh welcoming." His body does all the talking as he speaks, making gestures and looking at the door, apologizing for the scare. He expresses himself very well for someone who's got almost his whole face covered.

…You can't help but giggle at his big introduction, although serious, he's just a silly guy.

"It's alright, can I get your name since you want to accompany me?" You said, following by the introduction of your name to him.

The man nods. "You can call me Killer."

Killer, huh, what?

You nod, not discarding the chance that it might be just his nickname, and make your way to a table near the window. You don't miss how Killer himself hands you the menu – at your curious stare, he answers that he doesn't have staff yet, it's him and him only, for now.

The menu… is a total road map. There's at least ten different types of noodles including lasagna pasta, each has different kinds of prepping and sauces to include. It's like ordering pizza but in italian… wait, pizza is also italian, right? Historically, nobody knows for certain, but… Anyway, you ultimately decide to order a plate from the popular section – not that the other options aren't good! But for today, keep it simple – that are basically those viral dishes that everybody knows from social media, as in a part of the menu that offers simpler options to choose from.

Today's dish will be… fettuccine alfredo! It should be good for starters.

Killer seems to jolt when you finally look his way again, like he wasn't staring at you all along. "I take you have decided what you are having?"

"Yes! Can I have a fettuccine alfredo, please?" You smile at him, such a polite guy.

He nods at the request, doing a small shoulder gesture you've seen him do before, signaling he's 'happy and ready'. Killer leaves to the back, soon you can hear the sounds of pans and pots being retrieved, as well as the smell of mouth watering food begins to waft through the place.

It's so good to smell, and not just watch it through a screen! You think to yourself, looking around and noting the small details all over his luncherie, finding especially interesting the small metal trinket on the counter, is it handmade?

Time goes like seconds, it's actually a really small pause before Killer comes out of the kitchen with a blue plate in hands, his long legs moving swiftly until he's beside your table and placing the dish in front of you. He lingers a little about even after delivering the order, fixing the folds on the tablecloth and thanking you again for coming to his restaurant.

He's really cute, you think, watching him head back to the counter, the way Killer fiddles about with his hands shows that he's maybe a little anxious, I would be nervous too with my first client.

You look down and damn, the dish looks amazing. The fettuccine normally has a whiter aspect thanks to the sauce, that becomes even more vibrant and appetizing in contrast to the blue colored plate. I hope I don't sound like a food critic, you think to yourself while swirling the first string of thick pasta on your fork, watching as it swirls smoothly with help of the white creamy sauce, it's making your mouth water.

Without thinking, you stuffed it in your mouth with no regrets, immediately melting at the way it explodes in your mouth. Yumm… I will definitely bring leftovers home.

It looks like I won't get any new customers besides Y/N, Killer muses to himself as he leans on the window. Sigh, he's a bit disappointed, but it's the reality of many newly established businesses. It doesn't stop the deep bubbling feeling that comes from his chest, knowing he should be starting on the dishes if he wants to close as soon as possible, since his mood has dampened again.

Right, I can't yet, I have someone over today, as if in cue with his thoughts, his head turns from the window to the person in the middle of his shop, who is humming delightfully as they eat the portion of fettuccine.

It puts him in sort of a daze, his cheeks spotting the faintest of blush, the sight of someone feeling so content while eating the result of his studies and hardwork, that's all I wanted. Killer is glad for his blonde bangs that hide the fact he can't bring himself to divert his eyes away, so touched by his work being appreciated. If the guys saw me acting this way, I wouldn't hear the end of it. After what seems ages, he shakes his head at the thought, slumping even more against the wall as all the exhaustion of setting up a business settles down on his shoulders.

Letting his eyes astray to that one table yet again, he can't help but think they're cute, his hard shell has lessened thanks to the excitement of receiving the first person to give a chance to his work, sure, but Killer can't help but watch them in a different glow from the way he would see other people.

And they like my food, that's a good sign- oh, they're looking at me, he jolts when he's suddenly caught staring, his hands twitching by the sudden spook– and now, they're… beckoning me closer?

Killer can't help but straighten up, fixing himself before strolling with newfound confidence to their table and sitting down across from them.

"It was delicious!" You told him with a big smile, patting the pudge on your stomach formed by his delicious, warming meal. "A pretty big portion too, are you sure the price is up to it?"

"Yes." His deep baritone almost filled the room, almost sending a shudder down your back. "It shouldn't be any higher, that would just scare off more people that it has."

He wasn't negative about it, just realistic. And also a tad nervous, not wanting to say anything awkward.

"I think it was great, actually, I promised- like- to bring leftovers for dinner to my family, do you make meals for takeout?"

Killer is at service, sure, but you still felt a little bad for asking this late, since it's probably rounding closing hours.

"Of course, I'd be delighted to." He responded quicker than you thought, more than happy to attend more work, it really shows he loves cooking, "So, how many portions would you want for takeout?"

"Three! I was thinking of bringing different dishes, you know? Another fettuccine so they can try it too, but I wanted to bring this one too, and…!"

Unnoticed by the both of you, soon, a discussion of what would be the best to bring back to your family started with the chef man, he knew how to add in his view on the subject but without suggesting in a way he wanted you to buy more, but like hey that's really good, it could go even better with this topping. Or I like that one, I think it's a really good choice. Killer was glad the conversation flowed so easily, himself also not noticing the fact a whole hour passed and they hadn't stopped talking, he felt like he wanted to get to know you better more and more through each minute, finding himself in a daze again, his brain filled by the thoughts of you entirely.

What brought him back to reality, though, was glancing down from your eyes – it was really hard – only to see the empty plate and silverware still on the table.

"Oh damn, I didn't see the time fly." A quick glance at the clock on the wall told him it was very late. He sat up, exasperatedly.

Still enough to make your family dinner, with how determined he looked.

Killer didn't even protest when you followed him inside the kitchen, the conversation flowing once again casually, he smiled at the way you found another of Kidd's trinkets, like the one – he persisted to gift Killer as decoration – at the counter.

He'd be sure to make them extra good just for you.

"Thank you so much for everything, Killer." You felt bad for keeping him so long, watching as the key chime when locking the door, disappearing along with his big hand inside his pants pocket.

"No such, I am, in fact, delighted for you."

For a moment, his sapphire blue irises stared into yours, drowning in the pools of color- both of you.

His hand on your shoulder was warm.

Fuschia lipstick marked your hand when his lips parted from your skin, smiling at you.

"I'd like to see you again."

At the end of the night, Killer's frustration had vanished - now that he's got your number.

[ninja-muse]

2024 Release TBR

🏳️‍🌈 - queer MC     🇨🇦 - Canadian author    ⭐️ - BIPOC MC 📘 - have an ARC bold - newly added

The Secret History of Bigfoot - John O'Connor (travel/history) - February 6

Ending the Pursuit - Michael Paramo (sociology) - February 8

Remedial Magic - Melissa Marr (fantasy/romance) 🏳️‍🌈📘 - February 20

Tomorrow’s Children - Daniel Polansky (post-apocalypse) - February 27

The Baker and the Bard - Fern Haught (YA cozy fantasy) 🏳️‍🌈- March 5

The Tower - Flora Carr (historical fiction) 📘 - March 5

Parasol Against the Axe - Helen Oyeyemi (literary fiction) ⭐️📘- March 5

Those Beyond the Wall - Micaiah Johnson (science fiction) ⭐️📘 - March 12

The Floating Hotel - Grace Curtis (cozy science fiction) 🏳️‍🌈 - March 19

The Angel of Indian Lake - Stephen Graham Jones (horror) ⭐️ 📘- March 26

This Skin Was Once Mine and Other Disturbances - Eric LaRocca (horror) 📘- April 2

Catchpenny - Charlie Huston (science fiction) 📘- April 9

My Love in Stitches Vol. 1 - Emily Gossman (urban fantasy/graphic novel) 🏳️‍🌈🇨🇦 - April 15

Dear Wendy - Ann Zhao (YA contemporary) 🏳️‍🌈 - April 16

The Tomb of the Mili Mongga - Samuel Turvey (memoir) - April 16

The Proper Thing and Other Stories - Seanan McGuire (fantasy) - May 1

The Library Thief - Kuchenga Shenjé (historical fiction) ⭐️ - May 7

Plain Jane and the Mermaid - Vera Brosgol (YA fantasy) - May 7

Every Time We Say Goodbye - Natalie Jenner (historical fiction) 🇨🇦 - May 14

How to Become the Dark Lord and Die Trying - Django Wexler (fantasy) - May 21

A Gentleman From Japan - Kevin Lockley (history) ⭐️ - May 21

Dreadful - Caitlin Rozakis (fantasy) - May 28

Tidal Creatures - Seanan McGuire (contemporary fantasy) - June 4

Running Close to the Wind - Alexandra Rowland (fantasy) 🏳️‍🌈 - June 11

Echo of Worlds - M.R. Carey (science fiction) - June 25

Navola - Paolo Bacigalupi (fantasy) 📘- July 9

Bury Your Gays - Chuck Tingle (horror) 🏳️‍🌈 - July 9

The Black Bird of Chernobyl - Ann McMan (romance) 🏳️‍🌈 📘 - July 19

Goodnight Tokyo - Atsuhiro Yoshida (fiction) ⭐️📘 - July 19

Peking Duck and Cover - Vivien Chien (cozy mystery) ⭐️ - July 23

Chaos at the Lazy Bones Bookshop - Emmeline Duncan (cozy mystery) - July 23

Last Seen Online - Lauren James (YA mystery) 🏳️‍🌈 - August 1

The Pairing - Casey McQuiston (romance) 🏳️‍🌈 - August 6

A Sorceress Comes to Call - T. Kingfisher (fantasy) - August 20

Voyage of the Damned - Frances White (fantasy) 🏳️‍🌈 - August 20

Radiant Sky - Alan Smale (science fiction) - August 27

The Salmon Shanties - Harold Rhenisch (poetry) - September 10🇨🇦 📘

Casket Case - Lauren Evans (paranormal romance) - September 10 📘

Buried Deep and Other Stories - Naomi Novik (fantasy/short stories) - September 17

The Village Library Demon-Hunting Society - C.M. Waggoner (fantasy) - September 20

Villain - Natalie Zina Walschots (superhero fiction) 🇨🇦🏳️‍🌈 - October 1

The City in Glass - Nghi Vo (fantasy) - October 1

Swordcrossed - Freya Marske (fantasy) 🏳️‍🌈 - October 8

My Kind of Trouble - L.A. Schwartz (romance) - October 8

Shoestring Theory - Mariana Costa (fantasy) 🏳️‍🌈 - October 8

Sorcery and Small Magics - Maiga Doocy (cozy fantasy) 🏳️‍🌈 - October 15

The Scholar and the Last Faerie Door - H.G. Parry (fantasy) - October 22

Usurpation - Sue Burke (science fiction) - October 29

The Improvisers - Nicole Glover (historical fantasy) - November 5 ⭐️

October Daye #19 - Seanan Mcguire (urban fantasy) - date unknown moved to 2025

[theastrical]

What if… (genshin men edition)

What if genshin men become one of the job roles in our society?

diluc, kaeya, ayato. (pt 2: childe, zhongli, neuvillete soon!!)

notes: i have no idea of what i’ve just written

What if diluc becomes a coffee shop barista?

he becomes a coffee shop barista because he doesn’t want to continue his father’s business in wine and alcohol, it’s not because of his rebellion, it’s because his father also discourage him to not choose it if it’s intolerable for him, since crepus (his father) know how intolerable diluc is to alcohol. Hence why, a coffee shop barista is so much better for diluc!

this man would judge his customer choices in either drinks or pastry. Overanalysing it? No. Just being a judgmental prick? Yes.

is good at remembering the regulars’s orders, which means he would never mess your order if you always come to his cafe, well he considered somebody to be a regular if they visit his cafe for around 9 days and in a specific time.

he would write his customer’s name with a smile or even a small doodle if they made him happy and delighted!! if they made him pissed, he wouldn’t even write their name down, bro would use the customer’s number in line to call them.

uses somebody else’s name for his nametag since he doesn’t like strangers to know his actual name. he changes his nametag overtime so he got people confuse over time. And at april fools, he uses his own name…

If people gave him a penny or even just a candy on the box of the tip, he would actually smile at them, or even gave them more mili-litres of their actual drinks (instead of just ice), or in some rare cases, he even give them double sauce, just to appreciate them more.

stray cats come near the coffee shop to get free food from diluc. He name that all with the things around his coffee shop, for example, the white cat is milk, the black cat is arabica, the grey cat is charcoal, and the callico one is unprocessed beans.

would go on a break for 20 minutes just to eat while petting the stray cats around the shop.

what if kaeya becomes a jazz singer?

he becomes a jazz singer out of the intention to get some money since he’s broke as hell from being a dental student. It become a side hustle for him, since the money that came along within can feed him actual food instead of instant ramen.

diluc usually asked him to perform just so he can get some “additional fee” from kaeya, the additional fee itself is the customers, ever since kaeya sing at the small podium on his cafe, some customers kept on coming back.

despite him performing on a small cafe or even his university dorm secretly, he has a small fanclub that he doesn’t even know existed??

has a deep-soothing voice, quite rusty, intriguing and attracts you to fall deeper into his music. He sings old love songs, that’s why he attracts young lovers to come and enjoy his live music session (he has no partner, that’s why he sings quite desperately instead of lovingly)

sometimes he gets flower from the listeners or even a treat, a coffee or a pastry to eat back to home.

he studies 3 days in advance just so he can perform and get money. His grades are beyond average and quite high, he’s a smart man indeed.

some of his professors knew about his side hustle and invite him as a singer for their party, he gets paid 2x higher than any other cafe.

let his friends arrange his playlist, he sings any of the songs they put on their playlist with the criteria that it doesn’t sound vulgar since he doesn’t wanna have his reputation all ruined, he still wants the money. </3

What if ayato becomes a formula one driver?

becomes internet favorites due to his fans compilation and edits about him. Some of the titles are “AYATO BEING THE OLDER BROTHER FOR HIS TEAM” or “AYATO BEING AYATO”.

has a huge fandom, like huge HUGE. his fans are insane mostly, they bought his merch like it was nothing even though it cost them their house.

When he receives gifts from fans, he just took it with him without trying to give it back to them out of worry for being a poison or a bomb.

sings while driving so he doesn’t lose his focus to his temper, making sure everything stays in balance between his thought and his skill currently.

does a livestream on his personal social media account, gossiping about his work. “They made me do these trends that are way too old, like even my ancestor knew how to do this trend without using the reference!”. “What is the trend you asked? It’s macarena…” he sighs “why am i even doing this guys…i’m a driver…”

Post foods and his family life instead of posting about F1 in his social media account, he only posted f1 if he has an achievements and he would archive it again when he has something to show to the world about his family.

His life is quite humble yet private, even his own team doesn’t know much about his daily life. It seems that despite sharing some moments of his family outside in the social platforms, his privacy still has been maintained perfectly.

After winning a race, he drinks a family signature sake instead of those champagne, he hates champagne, that’s why he specifically ask his team to prepare him a sake if he wins a race.

[the-broken-truth]

Yandere Moxxie & Millie x male wolf reader [Helluva Boss]

Broken Truth (Reads the ask): A Yandere Milie and Moxxie with a Wolf Reader? Something simple. I'm not sure if it will be romantic or platonic but we shall see what path the story takes. Alright, let the words weave together.

As Millie and Moxxie were heading back from their shift at I.M.P., they spotted a moving van parked in front of their apartment building. They couldn't tell if someone was moving in or moving out. Their curiosity was soon satisfied when they saw a wolf demon, towering and lean, carrying a flat-screen TV out of the van. Though Moxxie felt uneasy in the presence of the creature, Millie urged her husband to approach the wolf. The wolf halted his movements and observed the two imps as they drew closer.

"Hey! I'm Millie and this is Moxxie!" Millie said as she gestured to her husband, who looked wide-eyed at the towering figure before lifting his hand and slowly having to him as a greeting. "We saw you moving into our building. What's your name?" Millie asked with a smile, causing the wolf demon to smile back at the imps.

"Hello, my name is [Reader] - I just moved in today. Is there something I can help you two with?" [Reader] asked with a smile and a raised eyebrow.

"No, we just got off work and saw you moving in and we wanted to say hello. Mind if we help you move in, 6 arms are better than 2." Millie said as she looked a the small boxes in the moving van.

"Only if you want to, I don't like burdening people with my work." The Wolf Demon gestured with his tail, indicating the lightest boxes, and instructed Millie and Moxxie to pick them up. The two imps complied and, together with [Reader], they proceeded to transfer his belongings to his new apartment, which happened to be next to theirs. Afterward, they were invited in for some drinks and casual conversation. [Reader] revealed that he was the youngest son of a Wolf Demon Pack, born to the Alpha's brother, and therefore the Alpha's nephew. When asked why he decided to move away from home, [Reader] explained that he was the runt of the litter and had always been neglected by his parents, unlike his older siblings. Driven by the desire to pursue his own path, he left the pack and started anew. Although he had enough money to cover his rent for the next five months, he needed a job. Millie's eyes lit up at the prospect of helping him out.

"You should come to work with us! We work for I.M.P. and Blitz was telling us that he needed some more hands around the office."As she took hold of [Reader's] hands and drew them close to her heart, Millie could see the lost look in his eyes. Determined to assist him in finding his way, she offered to introduce him to her boss, a proposal that [Reader] accepted with a smile and a nod. Several hours later, Moxxie and Millie returned home and fell into a peaceful slumber.

The next day, [Reader] met Moxxie and Millie outside of the apartment building and the 3 of them walked to the I.M.P. Building where Blitzo and Luna were waiting for them.

"Where the hell have you two...been?! Who the hell is that beefcake?!" Blitzo said as he pointed at the wolf demon standing behind Millie and Moxxie. Seeing [Reader] uncomfortable, Moxxie placed his hand on the back of [Reader's] hand like a comforting father to a nervous child.

"Sir, this is [Reader] - a Wolf Demon that moved into our apartments last night. He was telling us that he needed a job and Millie told him about the opening you have at I.M.P. Give him a chance." Looking at [Reader] with a gentle gaze, Moxxie made the wolf smile. However, their moment was interrupted when a grey hellhound suddenly pushed Moxxie away by the face, causing the imp to fall to the ground. It was Luna, the daughter of Blitzo.

"Why hang out with these shrimps?" Luna asked him but [Reader] moved past her and helped Moxxie to his feet, "Hey, I'm talking to you." Luna said as she looked at [Reader] to help Moxxie to his feet before turning to face her with a scowl on his face.

"These 'Shrimps' helped me when I have no one. I owe them for helping me move and helping me find a job...if Mr. Blitz will hire m." [Reader] said as he looked towards Blitz, who thought about it for a while before nodding.

"Alright, kid, I'll give you a chance. Let's see what you can do - ever killed anyone before ?" Blitzo asked. [Reader] smiled a large toothy grin before they told him to come inside and tell him all about it.

As time passed, [Reader] found a comfortable role as one of Blitzo's Hunters in I.M.P. Known as the 'Shadow Hunter', he excelled in stealth and possessed a sniper rifle. Their team's reputation grew as they successfully completed missions. When not fulfilling contracts, [Reader] spent time with Millie and Moxxie, who tended to dote on him. Despite Luna's occasional attempts to connect with him, the imps would whisk him away whenever she tried to talk about non-work related topics.

"Don't go near her, son, she'll be a horrible influence on you." Moxxie would say - for some reason calling [Reader] his son and Millie would do the same or just nod to what Moxxie was saying & [Reader] cared for Moxie and his wife so he listened to them. They would do a lot of things for him that normal friends wouldn't do.

They would pack him lunches even though he could cook for himself.

They would come over to his place and care for him if he was sick.

They would brush his fur to make him look more 'appropriate' as Moxxie would say

Millie was extremely maternal when it came to him, [Reader] wasn't able to make more friends because Millie was always around and told him to stay away from the sluts; as Millie would call them.

During the evening, Moxxie and Millie expressed their concern to [Reader] about the dangers of his job at I.M.P. due to a previous injury sustained on a mission. They urged him to consider leaving to avoid further harm. However, [Reader] explained that he needed to keep working to pay his bills. Despite their advice to listen to his parents, [Reader] clarified that they were not his parents and abruptly exited the apartment. Moxxie and Millie, armed with their guns, exchanged a smirk.

'Not yet.' They thought.

[chrysalizzm]

c!ponk - [and it really does hurt when you love someone]

richard siken, a primer for the small weird loves / lovejoy, it’s golden hour somewhere / cryptofhoney, where the high wires drop (where the fat crows fly) / halsey, 1121 / paul simon, orchard on fire / mili, a turtle’s heart / chrysalizzm, little death / bibi, jotto / the paris review, survival as a creative force: an interview with ocean vuong / julie, flutter / frank bidart, the ghost / halsey, i am not a woman, i’m a god / a softer world, hindsight is bullshit

transcript and links attached here.

[dramavixen]

For those who aren’t quite over An Ancient Love Song – the story from Lu Yuan’s perspective

Hello all! This will be a translation of two videos by Bilibili creator 小城问路家 that I found to be exquisite character analyses. I considered subtitling them, but I don’t want to rip the videos from his platform and I think they still work effectively in essay form. If you understand Chinese/have a Bilibili account, I highly recommend giving these videos some support:

Part 1 | Part 2

Below begins the full translation. FYI, I’ll be editing content where necessary to make this read better. I also recommend having a snack and some water at the ready because this is going to be quite lengthy.

Viewers are all aware that this drama is presented from Shen Buyan’s perspective. From his point of view, the instances in which he travels back are separated by a very short period of time. Between some leaps, there isn’t any separation at all. What that means is that his and Lu Yuan’s situations are drastically different.

When it comes to Lu Yuan, there are large periods of “empty” time in between Shen Buyan’s time leaps. Three years, five years, ten years, and then the rest of her life. Likely, the production team became aware of this problem and created a special episode that retells the story from elderly Lu Yuan’s perspective. But perhaps due to financial and time length restrictions, this special episode more so uses material from the full drama and plays it in reverse while incorporating elderly Lu Yuan’s narration in key moments.

What viewers should understand is that that episode is told from elderly Lu Yuan’s perspective, who has access to an omniscient point of view. She already knows about this entire story.

Meanwhile, what I think really appeals to us as viewers about this story are those long periods of waiting. During those three, five, ten years that Lu Yuan spends waiting, her understanding of the story isn’t actually complete. We can’t use an omniscient perspective to understand Lu Yuan. She only experiences small bits at a time, and she also refuses Shen Buyan’s attempts to reveal more details to her. When I rewatched the show from Lu Yuan’s perspective and ignored omniscient knowledge, I discovered all the little details that the director and writers slipped into the show.

Jing Ping Year 30: Lu Yuan, 18 years old

Let’s start from when Shen Buyan traveled to when Lu Yuan was 18 years old. At this time, Shen Buyan is carrying the regret of not fulfilling his promise to stay with her. He has come back in a very frail condition and encounters Lu Yuan. Then the following exchange occurs between Lu Yuan and Shen Buyan—remember this scene, as it will become relevant later:

LY: You recognize me? What is the matter? Why are you crying? SBY: Someone’s waiting for me. But I went the wrong way.

18-year-old Lu Yuan sings the following lines of poetry as she returns home. These lines also appear in prior parts of the plot:

At first, when we set out, The willows were fresh and green; Now, when we shall be returning, The snow will be falling in clouds.

Translation from the Chinese Text Initiative of the University of Virginia

This poem comes from the Classic of Poetry's "Caiwei," which tells the story of a soldier who is enlisted into battle at a faraway border. In the endlessly long years of war, he expresses longing for his family. These lines discreetly touch on the drama's three main themes: the cruelty of war, longing for your beloved, and prolonged periods of waiting.

Shen Buyan first decides to keep his distance from Lu Yuan. But when he discovers that she's being mistreated, he still reveals himself to pass knowledge on to Lu Yuan.

Some of his teachings are more obvious foreshadowing, like hiding secret codes in music or when he teaches her things about the nations that are beyond the time period's understanding—even though it isn't explicitly said, we can still guess that in addition to geography, he teaches her all about economic and military matters. Hence, he gives her what she will need to become the mother of the emperor who will unify the nine nations.

Aside from that, the first lesson that he teaches her is to "understand larger truths from smaller signs." When we first watch, we might see this teaching is foreshadowing for when Lu Yuan later takes down the husbandry official—it's through this lesson that she discovers the official is secretly selling military horses to Beilie.

But I think the lesson is mainly a prelude for the rest of the drama. When people talk about this show, they all say that Lu Yuan is a wise and intelligent female lead. I think that everything started with this lesson of "understanding larger truths from smaller signs," because it explains how later—be it with Shen Buyan's time travel or her battles with Li Yong—she's able to understand everything. This includes how, through very small details, she will deduce the truth of the reversed timelines. It's a huge reason why Lu Yuan is able to become the person she is at the very end.

After Shen Buyan finishes teaching her and she defeats the official, Shen Buyan decides to end things and leave. However, Lu Yuan bravely expresses herself and manages to obtain for them a period of time in which the two of them are happily together. But with the start of war, Li Yong sees potential in Lu Yuan and recruits her as a spy to go to Beilie. She says goodbye to Shen Buyan, and ends this first time leap.

In this first leap, I think two details that should be noted are:

Lu Yuan remembers every little thing that Shen Buyan tells her. Specifically, she remembers every little thing from their time together. After a pair of lovers separate and think about each other afterward, aside from looking at physical belongings (like the jade or the konghou), they're likely to spend more time remembering all their tiny interactions with each other. So every detail throughout this first leap is something that Lu Yuan can recall clearly. This is very important to remember for later, when we observe how she changes.

In the three years during which Lu Yuan searches for Shen Buyan, she makes use of the chancellor's connections and resources. In the drama, she says that after completing her mission, she continuously searched for him. During her search for him, she follows Li Yong to Jiangdu. As Li Yong's intelligence director, the information available must be incredibly thorough and it also covers intelligence about all nations. You can assume that she used that intelligence to look for him through an exchange that comes later:

Where have you been all these years? I searched for you for so long. They all said they could not find someone like you. They did not know of you.

We can largely assume that the results of her searches tell her that no such person as "Shen Buyan" ever existed. So in these three years, Lu Yuan must be suspecting whether or not "Shen Buyan" was a real person or who he actually was.

What must Lu Yuan feel as she searches for him? I think we can mainly interpret that at this point, Lu Yuan views him as her first love. If, in this kind of relationship, Shen Buyan never turns up again, we can presume that Lu Yuan would house it away in her heart forever as her first love before moving on to live the rest of her life.

This can be deduced because when Lu Yuan is 18, the difference between this time and her later years is that she doesn't know that Shen Buyan will come back. Plainly, there are no such promises between them. The only thing that exists is the period of time that they spend together. She asks Shen Buyan to wait for her, but when she comes back, she finds that Shen Buyan didn't wait. She wouldn't think that Shen Buyan "disappeared," she would think that he "left." He left without promising to return.

Then, in the following three years, he doesn't contact her at all. So mainly, Lu Yuan would think, He left. Has he forgotten me?

Based on this, you can guess why in her older years, she recalls meeting him again at 21 like this:

Three years later—on the day of the Shangsi Festival—when I thought that everything was simply a beautiful dream from my youth, he suddenly appeared before me once more.

When we think about her in those three years, she must be missing Shen Buyan. But she also wonders whether Shen Buyan has forgotten all about her. If Shen Buyan hadn't returned, she would have preserved him in her memory forever, but she also would have started a new life.

--

Yuanqi Year 1: Lu Yuan, 21 years old

While it's fairly easy to understand Lu Yuan's perspective from when she's 18, it gets much more complicated in the second time leap. Let's first summarize how it goes:

Right when Shen Buyan arrives, he intends to kill Li Yong. After Lu Yuan stops him, the two of them enter into some disagreements. Ultimately, Shen Buyan gives up on his plans before going with Lu Yuan to their home in Nanmeng Lake. They spend some peaceful and happy times together, with Shen Buyan respecting her decisions.

Then he returns with her to persuade the young Emperor against his movements north, and they later witness Li Yong's betrayal and his role in incapacitating the Emperor. Throughout this time, Lu Yuan discovers instances in which Shen Buyan doesn't remember certain things that occurred in their relationship. Afterward, Lu Yuan decides to move to the palace. Shen Buyan fully intends on following her there.

The scene of the rainy night in which he disappears from the carriage is widely recognized as an intensely sad one, but I have a different perspective on it.

First, let's look at the overall progression of this second time leap. We know that Lu Yuan has discovered the existence of the reversed timelines. When she realizes that Shen Buyan doesn't remember the fruit tree or the jade, she'll then think about the words that Shen Buyan spoke in his sleep before and put everything together. That's when she realizes that they're trapped in reversed timelines.

I do think that she only understands it at surface-level and hasn't yet thought about it in more depth. Like how realization dawns on us as we watch the last episode, she more so only recognizes the foundation of things.

My second thought is based on the first. In the rainy scene of the carriage, why do we all find it to be a very sad scene? One part of it is that Shen Buyan promises to stay with her, but can't follow through. He suddenly disappears without explanation. The second point is that Lu Yuan doesn't know exactly what has become of Shen Buyan, even if she knows that he's disappeared. That she's in pain and turmoil, but she doesn't know how he feels.

We can guess that Lu Yuan overturns these doubts at a later point: when she's in the rain looking for him, she ultimately has to get up on her own and take the carriage herself to the palace. After this, five years pass.

In these five years, she knows much more than she did in the previous three. She knows for sure that Shen Buyan is from the future. She knows with certainty that he had no choice in disappearing. So over the next five years, she will eventually deduce that how they parted from one another when she was 21 was also how they met when she was 18.

She'll think, Why was it that back when I was 18, Shen Buyan was in such awful condition? It was like he had been through hell and back. He was completely frail and kept calling her name.

At 18, she couldn't understand why. But after five years, locked in the palace, after spending every night thinking about it, she will eventually figure it out: While I searched for him in the rain, he had not wanted to leave. And when he returned by the river, he was in the same condition that I had been in—no, even worse.

So the reasons for which we deem the rainy scene will be resolved as she thinks everything over. She will realize that he felt just as awful as she did in that moment, and that perhaps he searched for her even more desperately than she did for him. I think after realizing this, Lu Yuan smiled truly, from the bottom of her heart.

In actuality, the director also borrows 18-year-old Lu Yuan in their first meeting to tell Shen Buyan what 21-year-old Lu Yuan wants to say:

Look at the state you are in. I think that she definitely would not blame you!

My third thought is that over these five years and through her understanding of the reversed timelines, taking into account details from the two times that they met, she will be able to conclude that their very first meeting did not happen in this time leap. Since she didn't recognize Shen Buyan when she was 18, then when Shen Buyan first meets her in the future, he won't recognize her either. Thus, while their relationship is bound to begin at some point in between, it can't be when she's 21. That's because when they first reunite during this time leap, the two of them are clearly already in love with one another—even though Shen Buyan doesn't know about events from when she's 18, he still loves her already in this second time leap.

With this, you can tell why Lu Yuan will ultimately stick to this decision:

Shen Buyan. If there truly will be a next time, I would rather we not recognize one another.

It's easy to interpret this as her being hurt severely by his departure, but I think the deeper meaning is that when she puts together the puzzle of her meeting Shen Buyan at 18 and 21, this is a decision that will protect Shen Buyan. She's thinking about how to change his fate. Just as Shen Buyan once did to her when she was 18, she wants to leave him, pretend that she doesn't know him so they can avoid their entire relationship from beginning at all. She knows that as soon as it does, they'll end up hurting each other.

This drama is quite symmetrical. Shen Buyan leaving Lu Yuan to protect her and Lu Yuan's decision to do the same after five years' worth of consideration are parallel:

LY: Since you clearly do not wish to leave, why can you not stay? SBY: For efforts that will not lead to any results, what is the point in forcing them?

SBY: Lady Lu! What do I need to do for you to believe me? LY: Do not follow me. If you continue, I will no longer remain so polite.

Without me, she seems to be happier.

I am afraid the more that I care about him, the more I should not reunite with him.

So over these five years, she has concluded that Shen Buyan never forgot her, but instead he had no choice but to leave when she was 18 due to the reversed timelines. So every doubt she had over the last five and previous three years has been resolved.

When we think about those first three years, she waited for nothing since there was nothing promised. But in these five years, she has something to look forward to. Unlike before, she now knows for sure that she and Shen Buyan will meet again. But unlike the next leap where she knows that it will take 10 years for Shen Buyan to return, in these five years, she doesn't know how long it will take for him to come back. Shen Buyan doesn't tell her—not this time, nor when she was 18.

However, based on experience, she can guess that since their first and second meetings both took place during the Shangsi Festival, then the next time they meet will also be on the day of the Shangsi Festival. You can imagine that in these five years, during every Shangsi Festival, Lu Yuan is hoping to see him again. Maybe she walks on the street or goes to places they've been before to wait for him. But he doesn't appear until Yuanqi Year 5.

In these five years, Lu Yuan's thought process must be incredibly complicated. She has a lot of time to think about things like, How did we meet before? Why did you appear in my life? Why did we grow so attached to each other?"

At the same time, she's in a lot of pain, as she'll recall later at 26:

Each time, I harbored expectations. Yet they were shattered every time. But still, I held a little hope.

She knows very clearly that the two of them cannot be together and that they're destined to come to an end, but she can't help it. She can't control her feelings. Or, she has no way of leaving her feelings behind.

I think that these five years are much harder for Lu Yuan to endure than the previous three. Whereas in those first three years she viewed Shen Buyan as a typical romance partner, within these five years, the most painful part is having to part ways.

When two people begin growing closer, being together is part of it, but leaving one another might be the bigger part. So when they've already experienced parting from one another, the experience of a happy reunion will brand this love of theirs into Lu Yuan's life. She'll feel more and more that fate is toying with them, that it's ensuring that the two of them will never be together. That sense of fate will push her to miss him even more intensely and await their next meeting with even more anticipation.

But alongside this expectation, she may return to Nanmeng Lake and see the wish Shen Buyan made to change her fate. At this point she'll think, I want to change your fate too. Maybe I cannot change whether or not you return, but I can change whether or not you fall in love with me. By not letting you fall in love with me, by pretending to be a stranger, I can lessen your pain.

Now when you think about their interactions when she's 26 and pretends not to recognize him, you'll discover that it's actually a very sad arc.

--

Yuanqi Year 5: Lu Yuan, 26 years old

When Lu Yuan is 26, the progression of the plot is that by the time Shen Buyan arrives, Lu Yuan has already decided to ignore him. But as chance would have it, Shen Buyan saves the Emperor and follows them into the palace. Li Yong begins the battle at Huofeng Fort. Shen Buyan wants to go to battle with Lu Yuan to change Lu Shi's fate. They'll assume that they've successfully prevented Lu Shi from dying, and then they'll go to Nanmeng Lake. That is when they discover Lu Shi's fate hasn't changed at all, and Lu Yuan uses the Phoenix Tablet to take the position of Empress. Together, Lu Yuan and Shen Buyan confront the enemy outside of city walls—then Lu Yuan and Yi Hua are captured to the palace. The time leap ends when Shen Buyan takes the arrowhead from Yi Hua to assassinate Li Yong.

Let's take note of some details in this third time leap. First is that Shen Buyan makes a promise to stay. At this point, Lu Yuan doesn't say anything. Take note of her expression:

SBY: I've decided. No matter how difficult it is, I will stay here and face everything with you, together.

Based on what Lu Yuan is aware of at this point, she previously heard Shen Buyan say something similar during that rainy night in the carriage. Right after he did so, he immediately disappeared—this became a very painful memory.

But now that she's hearing it again, she doesn't say anything that would point that out. You can tell why based on something she says later:

SBY: Since I have told you so much, you should tell me too. In our past, what exactly did we go through? LY: I cannot tell you that. Otherwise, once you meet the me of the past, everything you do will be too purposeful. It will not reflect your true feelings.

Then, Shen Buyan tries to assassinate Li Yong and disappears again. We know that Lu Yuan will endure 10 years of waiting.

But in these 10 years, she has something to wait for. Shen Buyan very, very clearly tells her that they'll meet again on the day of the Shangsi Festival. And within these 10 years, she will put together the events of what has happened during this leap and the previous two.

First, she'll understand why when she was 21, Shen Buyan tried to kill Li Yong immediately after arriving in the timeline. That was because right before he disappeared when she was 26, he tried to assassinate Li Yong in Lu Yuan and Yi Hua's stead. Li Yong held them as prisoners, planned Lu Shi's death, and caused the Emperor to become mentally disabled, so the first thing Shen Buyan desperately needed to do back when Lu Yuan was 21 was kill Li Yong.

Lu Yuan will remember that at the time, she rebuked him for it. That was possibly their one and only argument, but now she understands why he acted as he did. And she'll think, How ridiculous of me, that I stopped him. That I did not believe him.

Even though while she was 21, she found out why Shen Buyan wanted to kill Li Yong when she witnessed what Li Yong did to the Emperor, she didn't yet know why killing Li Yong was the very first thing Shen Buyan wanted to do. Now she does.

The second thing of note is that through this leap, she now knows how they came to love each other—more accurately, how Shen Buyan fell in love with her. She knows that the next time they meet will be a time when Shen Buyan isn't in love with her. That's because when they first meet in this leap, Shen Buyan calls her "Your Majesty." At that point, their relationship was more so him reporting his knowledge to an Empress, so there was no love to speak of.

Lu Yuan learns that the reason Shen Buyan falls in love with her during this time leap is that while Shen Buyan intended on going to take Lu Shi's place in Liuli Valley, Lu Yuan ends up taking Shen Buyan's place. That is the start of his feelings for her.

During this time leap, there's an interesting parallel that can be drawn: Lu Yuan is doing to Shen Buyan what Shen Buyan did to her when she was 18; that is, trying to end things between them. But ultimately, neither of them succeed. What provides the parallel for their shared failure are two hug scenes:

1. 26-year-old Lu Yuan obviously loves Shen Buyan very deeply, but she pretends to be distant and pretends to not know him. She keeps this up until the incident in Liuli Valley, where they come to the conclusion that they can change fate.

2. Compare the above to when Lu Yuan was 18 and Shen Buyan very clearly loved her, but still pretended that there was nothing between them and tried to leave. It was only when Lu Yuan told him that even if she had only 10 days left to live, she would still want to be with the person she loved that they reconcile with another hug.

There's something additional here that will let us see the actors and directors' attention to detail. Throughout Lu Yuan's life from when she was 18 to when she's 26, there are a total of four hug scenes:

18-years-old: Shen Buyan is full of sorrow and wants to leave. Though he embraces her, Lu Yuan is still crying:

21-years-old: There are two hugs, during both of which Lu Yuan is happy, but still visibly concerned that Shen Buyan will leave again:

26-years-old: They embrace one another and Lu Yuan believes that they have changed fate, meaning that Shen Buyan can truly stay with her. This is the only hug in which Lu Yuan is completely happy:

Let's now take a look at Lu Yuan's life between the ages of 26 and 36. Before disappearing, Shen Buyan tells her to "keep living."

I think this line has a very deep meaning. In a short period of time, Lu Yuan has witnessed the deaths of her little brother and her lover. They both die in her arms.

LY: I have already lost Lu Shi. I cannot lose you too.

For the sake of the country, she marries someone she doesn't love, yet she still becomes the hateful "Demon Empress" in everyone's eyes. If it weren't for Shen Buyan's words and his 10-year promise, if it weren't for Shen Buyan telling her to keep living, if it weren't for the thought that Shen Buyan's sacrifice won her the opportunity to end the war...it's greatly possible that Lu Yuan couldn't have lived on.

We can also feel exactly how difficult it is for Lu Yuan in these ten years. Even though she has no longer has the military support of her brother, she slowly grows while tolerating it all. She gradually forces Li Yong from a position of great power to fleeing to Beilie with the city defense map. In these ten years, she also puts her soul into raising and teaching Chu Tongchang. She must pass down all the knowledge she gained from Shen Buyan to Chu Tongchang—after all, this child is the direction and hope that Shen Buyan brought to her in this latest time leap.

In these ten years, she also walks without hesitation toward her destiny. She now understands everything about the story of her and Shen Buyan. When she thinks about all their short encounters, she will remember that even though Shen Buyan does not have memories of the times they spent together, he still has feelings for her while respecting her decisions. From the very beginning, he has been someone who will sacrifice himself to protect her—even when he didn't have feelings for her.

To Lu Yuan, someone who maintains such a pure heart at every moment and who is constantly trying to change her fate will inevitably move her over and over again. All of these beautiful yet painful memories support her lonely self and become her motivation to keep moving forward in the palace.

So although these ten years are long, Lu Yuan waits and prepares amidst her sorrow for the Shangsi Festival that she and Shen Buyan promised to each other.

Knowing that he would arrive in ten years gave me endless hope in those long days.

--

Yuanqi Year 15: Lu Yuan, 36 years old

36-year-old Lu Yuan meets Shen Buyan, who views her as a stranger. For answers to three of his questions, she exchanges three favors: changing his clothes, having a meal, and roaming about the festival. After a brief reunion, Lu Yuan uses the information that Shen Buyan gave her ten years prior to corner Li Yong. She blocks an arrow for Shen Buyan and ends this time leap. Out of all the time leaps, this is the shortest one, but the amount of emotion in it is the deepest and most enduring.

Let's look at these three favors. When we watch the show, we think that these are things Lu Yuan is completing based on what she always wanted to do with Shen Buyan during the Shangsi Festival. Of course, this is the first level of meaning.

We know that within the last ten years, based on the information that Shen Buyan provided her when she was 26 and his attitude toward her, she will conclude that this next meeting of theirs will be very short. Then she'll think back to the time when she didn't recognize Shen Buyan and how he treated her back then.

Lu Yuan knows that she won't have the same amount of time as he did. When Shen Buyan met her for the last time, he left behind knowledge, the konghou, and the jade. Through these, he gave her things to reminisce over during her future days of sorrow. So, she also wants to leave something for Shen Buyan.

She thinks about how in the days that she spent getting older, the one thing she kept wondering was whether Shen Buyan still loved her. Hence, she wants to find some way to tell the future Shen Buyan that in these ten years, she was constantly thinking about him.

Of course, an overly direct confession to someone who doesn't know you will only scare them. She must think of alternatives. I believe that in the three favors, aside from fulfilling her own wishes, they also contain all the things that Lu Yuan wants to tell Shen Buyan.

1. Changing clothes: These clothes are ones that Lu Yuan made for Shen Buyan when she was 18, but she was never able to give them to him. When she was 21 and they went back to Nanmeng Lake, the director took care to give a close-up of Lu Yuan packing up these same clothes.

Top: 18-year-old Lu Yuan sewing the clothes - Bottom: 21-year-old Lu Yuan packing them up

She brought them to Nanmeng Lake, so why is it that she still didn't manage to give them to him? When we think of the possibilities, we have to consider that making clothes by hand in ancient times was typically done with the intention of giving them to lovers or husbands. You can think of this as a method that women could use to more directly confess to someone within a conservative society. Lu Yuan has also always been someone to whom such rituals are important, as displayed by this scene from when she was 18:

LY: I finally have the opportunity to tell you. You still owe me one last lesson. I hope that after that lesson is complete, we can find a place with just the two of us so I can tell you.

When she was 21, even though they were together, Lu Yuan was preoccupied with how to convince the Emperor against war. Not to mention, she also thought that Shen Buyan wouldn't be leaving again. What she wanted was to give him the clothes properly, after they managed to persuade the Emperor. But we all know what happened.

I don't think that the gifting of clothes is a simple gesture. In the Classic of Poetry that she and Shen Buyan use as a code book, there's a poem called "Zhengfeng Ziyi." It talks about the feelings of a wife as she makes clothes for her husband, representing the way that women in ancient times expressed love. By finally giving Shen Buyan these clothes, Lu Yuan believes that later—when Shen Buyan will go over the Classic of Poetry with her 18-year-old self—he will then understand the silent confession of her 36-year-old self.

And when we look at her pained expression in this scene, we can imagine that from the moment she finished the clothes, she has pictured personally giving them to Shen Buyan and seeing him wear them an infinite amount of times.

SBY: How did she know my height and measurements?

2. Having a meal: We know that Lu Yuan made the food, but what I want to focus on is how the act of having a meal represents Lu Yuan's attachment to Nanmeng Lake.

Nanmeng Lake was a part of every prior story of theirs. The beginning of their story took place at Nanmeng Lake. She also requests to Chu Tongchang that she be buried there. So she really hoped that she and Shen Buyan could go back there together.

But she knows that their reunion will be very short, and she also has to remain in Jiangdu to counter Li Yong. Knowing that they can't go back, she could instead make food from Nanmeng Lake.

In the past, it was always Shen Buyan and Yi Hua who would grill fish for her. I think that over the last ten years, Lu Yuan practiced cooking this meal repeatedly. Because she knows that once Shen Buyan goes to the past, he will understand what she wanted to tell him through this meal: "Although I am in the palace, my favorite food is still that simple food from Nanmeng Lake. Although I gave up our love over and over again for the sake of my country, all I really want from the bottom of my heart is to go home with you. I wanted to do as you asked when I was 21, and settle down with you at Nanmeng Lake."

SBY: Are you willing to leave Jinghua House and Jingdu to settle down at Nanmeng Lake and stay with one another?

3. Roaming the Shangsi Festival: 21-year-old Lu Yuan's dream was to spend Shangsi Festival on the streets with Shen Buyan. 36-year-old Lu Yuan takes a willow branch to drive calamities away from Shen Buyan.

In this scene, Lu Yuan hasn't actually told him everything about this tradition. To complete her explanation, the director and writers borrow the voice of an old town crier in every successive time leap:

I wish that all of Dasheng's people may drive away calamity from themselves, and welcome the return of their beloved!

Yes, Lu Yuan only tells Shen Buyan half of the tradition. What she leaves out is also the answer to his last question:

LY: My regret is not being able to spend the Shangsi Festival with someone. SBY: Who? LY: Is that your third question? You will find out next time.

The answer is: "May you avoid calamities. I have welcomed the return of my beloved."

I think these favors form the best method that Lu Yuan can come up with that both wouldn't disturb Shen Buyan and also express all of the longing and love she has felt in these ten years.

With this, the time leaps forming the main story are effectively over. To Lu Yuan, these four encounters with Shen Buyan encapsulate all the love in her life. Each encounter was shorter than the last, and each time she had to wait longer. I think she doesn't regret meeting Shen Buyan, but she grieves that she keeps waiting longer and longer and loves him deeper and deeper, yet their periods of reunion are shorter and shorter. She laments that they never went back to Nanmeng Lake and that they couldn't say a proper farewell.

--

The remainder of Lu Yuan's life

The first shot after the time leaps is of Yuanqi Year 20, where Lu Yuan is hanging another wish tablet, on which she has wished to meet Shen Buyan one more time. The second shot is of 56-year-old Lu Yuan sitting atop the city gate, where she sees Shen Buyan in the last moment of her life before she jumps down.

A few details: in the scene where Lu Yuan is hanging the wish tablet, take note that like Yi Hua, she is in mourning clothes. Aside from the death of Lu Shi that occurred when she was 26, I think that when she was 36, she also started mourning for Shen Buyan. Because in her heart, Shen Buyan was her lover and husband.

Important to note is that at this time, we're still tracking the years by the Yuanqi calendar. "Yuanqi Year 20" means that Emperor Yuanqi hasn't died yet. In a time when the Emperor isn't dead, the Empress dressing in mourning clothes must have caused her to be on the receiving end of much negative sentiment.

The second detail is that Lu Yuan believes that fate has changed since she didn't die that night in the palace. In actuality, her fate hasn't changed at all. It's just that when Shen Buyan left, he didn't know that her death was fake, so from his understanding, he always thought that she died after being struck by the arrow. Maybe Lu Yuan considered that, but in all her years of waiting, she needed a reason to keep going.

The third detail is that after the time leap from when she was 36, she has waited for Shen Buyan for 20 years. Her biggest question in these 20 years must have been, "Does Shen Buyan still think of me?" She kept missing him, but she knows that it's probably only been a few months to Shen Buyan. Compared to the separation that death brings, the more distant separation comes with time. She doesn't know whether or not Shen Buyan will forget her in the time to come, or if he'll still miss her.

I tend to think that Lu Yuan never arrives at the answer to this question as she approaches the end of her life. A lot of people think that 56-year-old Lu Yuan remembers that she met Shen Buyan when she was 6. I don't think that this is logical, especially since she doesn't address these memories directly in her narration of the special episode. So I believe that she struggles with this question until she dies.

The fourth detail is with the old woman who sold the jade to Shen Buyan. Her life's duty is to give the jade to someone called Shen Buyan and tell him to hang a wish tablet. Her request for him to do so is also quite insistent.

When some viewers discovered that this old woman isn't Lu Yuan, they felt a bit disappointed. But if you think about the context of this woman being a descendant of the Chu family, it makes the story even more impactful.

We all know that Lu Yuan doesn't have any descendants, but Yi Hua, who she considers family, also doesn't. Only her adopted child Chu Tongchang does. We can deduce that Lu Yuan spends the rest of her life thinking of Shen Buyan and must repeatedly tell Chu Tongchang that the jade and the wish tablet request must to be passed down to his descendants. And we can see that this will become the most important duty of the entire Chu family. Otherwise, how could her requests survive so many years until modern-day?

The fifth detail is regarding elderly Lu Yuan and the konghou with the snapped string. My personal take on this is that when elderly Lu Yuan saw Shen Buyan when he traveled for the very first time, "I miss you" was what she wanted to tell him. At this point in time, Shen Buyan doesn't know anything. But once he experiences everything and sees that konghou with a snapped string being excavated, he will understand that the ancient love song Lu Yuan played that day and her breaking a string upon seeing him will have been her saying "I miss you" before she jumped.

SBY: I do not understand either. How about you tell me? LY: I...miss you.

When Lu Yuan leaps down from the city gate, aside from it being an act to take responsibility for all the nation's anger, it can also be considered a form of liberation. I think that after witnessing the deaths of Lu Shi and Shen Buyan, she had already considered dying, but two things kept her going: one being that she had to raise and teach Chu Tongchang, another being that she had to wait for Shen Buyan.

But in 56-year-old Lu Yuan's life, Chu Tongchang is already an adult who can handle himself. She's waited for Shen Buyan for 20 years, and he hasn't shown up. She can let go now. Yet her sincerity proves fruitful, because in her last moments, she sees Shen Buyan again.

In that scene of the rainy carriage night when Lu Yuan was 21, she said the following to Shen Buyan:

You and I have different duties. With our different duties, we walk in different directions.

Lu Yuan's duty is to end a tumultuous period and raise an emperor who will unify the nine nations. Shen Buyan's duty is to track history and restore Lu Yuan's good name.

Lu Yuan of the past never cared about the burden of the mark "Demon Empress." Shen Buyan of the past never cared about the Sheng nation's fate. With that, they were destined to move in opposite directions. But as time passes and they near the end of their lives, they have both slowly changed their previous perspectives and eventually end up on the same page.

Lu Yuan was always protecting Shen Buyan. Physically, but more so emotionally. Apart from when she was 18 and 21 and didn't know the truth of their situation, she constantly restrained herself starting at 26. She did so toward the lover of hers for 5 years, 10 years, even if it meant each reunion could possibly be the end of any beginnings.

Shen Buyan was also always protecting Lu Yuan. With a very average physique, he stood up for her in the middle of danger and revolt. During war, he was willing to take her brother's place in facing death. In the palace, he attempted to assassinate Li Yong to protect Lu Yuan and Yi Hua, buying Lu Yuan 10 years' worth of time to repair the nation of Sheng.

Aside from protecting her, Shen Buyan also respected her choices. Once he learned of 18-year-old Lu Yuan's wishes to depart for Beilie—even though he knew this was the last time he would see her—he respected her choice and said nothing but his last farewell. I think this is the true meaning of Shen Buyan's name (T/N: "Buyan" literally means "without speaking").

LY: See you again! Wait for me! You have to wait for me! SBY: See you again!

Now that we're at the end of the story, I want to interpret her line of "I have grievances, but no regrets."

She doesn't regret meeting Shen Buyan. It's in her persistence in leaving behind something for Shen Buyan before she dies.

She doesn't regret showing courage. In each short encounter she had with Shen Buyan, as an ordinary woman during a conservative time period, she still bravely expressed her own feelings. She didn't let any meeting of theirs simply slip by.

She doesn't regret that she spent her life lamenting a lost love. In the last episode, they describe that Lu Yuan was buried in Nanmeng Lake. Buried alongside her were the konghou and the sheet music for a love song. She spent her whole life performing and interpreting this ancient love.

She also doesn't regret giving up family, love, and her own life for the sake of her country.

As for her grievances, I believe we already know what those are.

[casualsheeteater]

The Ink Sprawled Across Your Heart (Ghost x Soap)

--

Drabble about Ghost and his tattoos. CW: None!

--

After the Chicago mission and Hassan had been neutralized by Ghost's own bullet, his own relationship with the Sergeant, Soap, bled deeper. He'd come to find the man's insistent presence his oxygen, his lifeline.

Ghost was infatuated, in every sense of the word. His eyes would linger on the man's back, as the fabric draped over his muscles, before pooling at his waist, badly tucked into his jeans with a coffee brown belt holding them up. His arms jutted out of the shirt, revealing the well-built muscle, not even attempting to hide them, as, at this point, there was no point. Unless he slapped on a hoodie. Soap profusely denying and turning down every opportunity to do so even when he needed to, complaining that he 'ran too hot'.

His gaze shifted to his own arm, his right, specifically. His own had a tattoo sleeve, whereas Soap only had a simple symbol of the 141 on his forearm. Perhaps it was time for Ghost to expand his sleeve, as it stopped, just above his elbow. Perhaps revisit a few areas.

And so, he did. Within the week, as Soap had been sent on a solo mission, he had a date set within the local tattoo shop in town.

---- Soap's POV, sometime later.

It'd been a while since he'd returned from his solo op, piled in paperwork, and practically drowning at his Mohagany desk, he needed a break. Badly.

Soap was currently vertically laid across the couch in the common area. The base had winded down, and it was silent. Which was fortunate for Soap, as a migraine wracked through his head. He'd slapped a wet rag onto his face in order to combat it, at least a bit.

"Johnny," A voice boomed from behind him.

Soap didn't even have the energy to jump, letting out a groan.

"You look like death."

Soap did chuckle at that, and he teased back, "Ironic comin' from the likes 'a you."

"Takes one to know one," He could hear the shrug in the other man's gravelly voice. Soon, the cushion next to him dipped, and a chill went down Soap's spine. Not in a bad way, no. Ghost was like a walking air conditioner. During hot days, Soap always found himself gravitating towards Ghost more than usual. If that was possible. "What's botherin' ya, Johnny?"

Soap weakly flicked his hand to the coffee table sat in front of the couch. On it, Soap had splayed several documents onto it, some clipped to a clipboard. The pen he'd tossed elsewhere, most likely on the table, if not on the floor.

The man grunted in response, before Soap heard the shift of the cushion, and then the sound of the clipboard being picked up. After a few seconds, there was a click of a pen.

He raised a corner of the soggy rag, an eyebrow raised. His eyes immediately flick to Ghost's lap. His legs were manspread, almost touching Soap's, and he was leaned back, head tilted as he read the documents. A smile curled at Soap's lips. "Go raibh maith agat." He mumbles in thanks.

Ghost doesn't bother to tell him to speak proper English. Soap figures it's because he more or less understands.

Soap lets the wet rag slap back onto his face, his arm coming back down to lay itself over his stomach as he closes his eyes once more. The scritch of the pen against paper, and Ghost's soft breaths are easily able to lure Soap into a state between conscious and unconscious. He fades in and out, at one point swearing he heard Ghost briefly conversing with a curious Gaz before being shooed away.

Eventually, Soap commits to being conscious, his head lessening the painful thrum as he tugs off the small towel. He peered over at Ghost, still busy writing away. His eyes wandered, from the paper, to Ghost, then focused in on the swirls of ink planted into the other's skin. He scoots a bit closer, wanting a better look.

His eyes roam, over the different line weights, dashing from each and every new image before pausing, staying at one spot.

In the middle of Ghost's tattoo sleeve, amidst all of the typical military symbolism, was a small soap bar. Soap's mouth parted slightly in surprise, his face going lax except for the widening of his eyes.

Ghost had gotten something for him tattooed.

He wanted, so desperately to reach out and trace it. Trace the small soap bubbles sprouting off from the bar, the shine, the shading. Soap wanted it all.

He especially wanted Ghost.

But Ghost hadn't said a word. Not since Chicago, not since that delirious time he had in Las Almas due to blood loss.

But then, why get a tattoo of, essentially, Soap?

Then, his more rational and doubtful mind stepped into the fray, quickly calming his still relatively feverish mind. He'd probably gotten in as a show of comradery. His other tattoos could just be representations of past missions, and specific things he'd seen.

That had to be it.

"Feelin' better, Johnny?"

Soap's eyes flicked to Ghost's. The other wasn't looking to him, still focused on the expanse of paper, and the droning on of words, that by now, Soap figured must just melt all-together. Least, it did for him after a while.

"Aye, much." He paused, a grin lifting once side of his face, in a half-smirk sort of way. "Drinks on me tonight?"

Ghost paused, the pen stopping it's flow, his arm overturning, showing the rest of the tattoo on his forearm. Soap's eyes quickly darted to it.

He swore his heart stopped for the second time that evening.

"Sure," Ghost graveled.

On Ghost's pulse point, in small cursive lettering was "Johnny 'Soap' Mactavish".