#My body’s poetic like that

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

MDZS Disco Elysium AU part 2 - Psyche Skills

Part 1 - Part 3

[euryvices]

sometimes i wish we were intangible just so i could love you like i mean to

[finalgirlsamwinchester]

I sat in this hole for thousands of years, thinking of nothing but redemption, of reclaiming my good name. I thought of nobody, no cause, other than my own...The only thing that matters in the end is the mission -- protecting those who would not and cannot protect themselves --the humans. None of us is bigger than that -

[sunonwaxyleaves]

I am sooo sorry to the community but Barty will always be Mickey and Evan will always be Ian from Shameless…TO ME!!!!!

[dazais-guardian-angel]

I'm finding it difficult to reconcile the fact that what I've always wanted and envisioned for Nikolai and his relationship with Fyodor based on fanworks and the very very little canon information we've had to go off of so far, will very likely be very different from what we actually get.

While I understand the appeal of Fyodor taking over Nikolai's body via his blood ability, and the inherent, romantic, ironic tragedy of that — for Nikolai, the person who yearned for freedom, to meet an end by having his soul eternally trapped in the body of the person he loved the most, while Fyodor lives on in his body, never truly knowing how much he was adored by him — I would just hate the idea of that happening now? It just feels far, far too soon for Nikolai to be dead, for his character to no longer have a role or a purpose; his mind and behavior is so utterly fascinating in all its bizarre contradictions, there's so much more to explore and discover with him, he's one of BSD's most complex characters, or at least he's set up to be, and I really hope Asagiri wouldn't throw him away this soon without doing anything more with him.

I never really thought that Nikolai would be the one to end Fyodor for good, way down the line (that can only ever be Dazai's job, to me, since he's his foil), but I always imagined he'd at least have some kind of role in attempting to kill him, since that's his ultimate wish. I imagined that it would be ugly, frenzied, unhinged, desperate, Nikolai finally being forced to acknowledge the horrible truth that's always been buried within his subconscious but he's never wanted to accept: that going against all human reason and killing someone he cares so deeply for will not, in fact, simply make those feelings go away, and will instead make them unable to ignore in his despair. The realization that he'll always be chained to human emotions, to love, no matter how much he thinks he can be free of them. And then, the ensuing breakdown from that. Yes, it's extremely fanficky lmao, but that kind of drama makes sense to me for him and them. It's interesting.

There was also the angst angle of Fyodor being immortal, and Nikolai's agenda perhaps stemming from wanting to save him from that, and being able to finally free him from it in the same way he himself wants to be freed. Killing being the ultimate expression of love, not too dissimilar to Mushitarou killing Yokomizo, both putting on an act of being hateful/vengeful/hostile towards the other in order to cope with the fact that deep down they can't bear the thought of them being gone.

But then we got Fyodor's "death" here, and Nikolai's reaction to it was so unbelievably underwhelming and calm that it made me question everything I thought I knew about Asagiri's writing skills him, and what the story is going for with him. And combined with this revelation now that Fyodor is (unsurprisingly!) immortal, but specifically in the way that he can be killed but supposedly resurrects endlessly (which I really like in of itself, don't get me wrong)... it makes me question what exactly Nikolai knows, or will know, and it somewhat destroys the potential angst we could get with them in the end, or at least drastically changes it.

If Nikolai already knows Fyodor can't be killed, that means we'll never get a moment where he tries to kill him and then has to face the fact that he did the deed and it didn't make him feel freed, and he instantly regrets it. It also means we'd never get a moment where he tries to kill him and then discovers he can't truly die, and the ensuing insanity that would occur from that. It also makes me even question the legitimacy of his reaction to Fyodor's "death" here... was it so damn apathetic and lukewarm because he already knows it wasn't permanent? I mean, I'd like an explanation for it feeling so ooc, it would make me feel better about that, but I can't deny that it would be disappointing to have yet another part of this arc that was just an act and not genuine feelings....

Now, that isn't to say that it's impossible to do anything interesting with Nikolai already knowing the truth. He could be wishing to try to attain free will through the illogical pursuit of an impossible task: in this case, killing Fyodor. There's a beautiful, tragic paradox in him wishing to attempt something to gain his freedom that he and we know is impossible, especially if subconsciously he takes solace in the fact that he'd be able to kill Fyodor without actually losing him for good. If Nikolai doesn't already know, assuming he's not dead he's likely going to find out the truth soon when he next sees Fyodor alive and kicking — I can't imagine a way he wouldn't find out. In that case, we wouldn't get the aforementioned scenario where he tries to kill him and discovers it's futile, which is the most juicy to me I won't lie, but I am still fascinated by the idea of how Nikolai will respond just seeing him suddenly alive again and having to process this after having just mourned him. It's interesting to imagine how he might respond to and treat Fyodor after at last knowing how it truly felt to lose him, and realizing how much he didn't want that, and then suddenly having him back. It might cause him to finally understand that his desire for freedom is unobtainable, and cause him to spiral, and fundamentally change their relationship going forward. An eventual tragic end for him such as Fyodor taking over his body would not feel out of place to me in that case, perhaps, but still not until we've had more time to see Nikolai reflect and see his possible change in perspectives.

I don't know, I'm just rambling at this point lmao. I know very well that so much of my expectations and desires for Nikolai and Fyolai are built up from fan content over the years just because there's been nothing else to work with, and that it's unfair to judge what Asagiri decides to do with him/them based on preconceived notions. Whatever he does could still be interesting in the end, even if it's not what I initially wanted or expected, and being open to being surprised is always a good thing. At the end of the day we still know barely anything about Nikolai, so it's not completely fair for me to judge something as ooc for a character we still know so little about.

But... it's because we know so little about him and have gotten so little of him, that at the very least, I'm gonna be really upset if he does die here from being possessed by Fyodor like people are worrying about. I really don't think he will, because I'm pretty confident the helicopter pilot is the one Fyodor swapped with/resurrected in the body of as per soup's theory, and again I'm not saying it wouldn't be fitting eventually... but I really don't want it to happen now. :/ I just think Nikolai still has so much potential as a character and so much more we need to see of him before his likely inevitable and tragic demise (however it happens), so whatever Asagiri decides to do with him I just really, really hope we don't lose him so prematurely; it would honestly be such a tremendous waste imo.

[nominalnebula]

Hi I've come to be a nuisance again because this idea has been tormenting me all day

Having Christopher Pike meet a woman while stuck in another universe, someone that he was falling for, someone who sacrificed their life for him to make it home

Him feeling this loss, but doing his best not to wallow as the ship and crew move on, pulling himself together to meet the new cadet joining the Enterprise

Only for this new cadet to be this universe's version of the woman that he lost

okay first off, the VIOLENCE of this

how fuckin dare

secondly, I'm losing my mind over the idea of this, over the possibilities??? and the angst, oh boy, the angst potential -

because he sees this cadet appear on the transporter pad, sees the woman he knew from another universe and for a moment everything just sort of stutters - his heart stops, he can feel the blood from his face draining and the ground has just shifted beneath him - and then he blinks, and this cadet, this stranger wearing the face of someone who could have been so dear to him, is looking nervously between him and Una, the smile on her face flickering, dropping because Christopher's just standing there, frozen in shock. And he shakes himself, smiles, extends a hand and welcomes the cadet on board, before passing her off to Una as quickly as possible without being truly, overtly rude.

And then he tries to avoid her, at the very least, without making it overly obvious. Because of all things, of all things the universe to throw at him - facing his own mortality for the time crystal, facing the consequences of his warning the cadets about the accident - Christopher never would have expected to see another version of the woman who caught him so off guard. But then again, after all the things he's seen, everything he's been through - why wouldn't their paths cross again? A one in a billion chance of being sent to an alternate universe, so what are the odds he'd run into another version of someone who was dear to him, could have been everything to him.

A fixed point in space, anchoring together.

But she doesn't know him. All she knows are the stories she's heard, of the Enterprise, of her crew, of her captain - stories that left her with stars in her eyes and a burning determination to earn her place aboard. When she finally does, it's everything and nothing like she imagined. The crew is amazing, the work is interesting and the ship, my god, the ship is everything she could have dreamed of. But the captain...well. He's friendly enough, but he's standoffish in a way that surprised her, more than a little. After everything she'd heard, all the stories she'd been told, the reports she had read, she thought she would have been welcomed a little more warmly, maybe even been invited to one if those famed dinners she'd heard about.

But Captain Pike's distant with her. Cool, even, which was startling to say the least, especially when she considered how he interacted with the rest of the crew, especially his bridge crew. So for her to be on the receiving end of that polite but distant attention - it hurts. More than she thinks it should, but there's an echo to the hurt she doesn't understand. She pushes through, because he's not displeased with her, and she earned her place aboard the Enterprise, goddammit. She won't let some jumped up flyboy's displeasure over her presence get in the way of the one posting that will make or break her career.

A fixed point. Two stars, anchoring each other, repelling apart - would it be total destruction or the creation of something new?

[yugiohz]

Shigaraki laughing wholeheartedly is so so beautiful to me it always reminds of whatever Bakhtin said about carnivalesque laughter and how it destroys conventional word hierarchies and creates new ones I think both the grotesque and destructive aspect fit shigaraki oddly well

[skunkes]

[mumrikberry]

Today, I woke up for ballet class and went to get dressed. My boyfriend made me a cup of green tea with one spoonful of honey, the hard honey, in my lilac mug with the blue spoon, the smallest one. He passed me the black tote bag before we went out. On the way there, he pointed out that one of the clouds "looked like a columbine" - he is not interested in clouds, or in columbines, or in plants at all. He laughed when he saw I was wearing the purple socks with green dinosaurs on them, "because those are the ones you wore when we first hung out" he said.

I went to uni today proudly wearing my green backpack. "It's green, you love green" He said when he gave me the gift bag containing it during our beach holidays. I looked into the bathroom mirror in between classes and smiled at my dragon earrings, they look just like his necklace.

The thing is, I like my green tea with one spoonful of hard honey and I love the smallest blue spoon. I wear the black tote bag to ballet class and I love clouds and plants and columbines. I collect funny socks, and he knows the stories of them all. He knows my favourite book is Demian. His sister tells me he's taking notes while reading it. He remembers all the space facts I've told him and all the constellations I've pointed out. He says my lips taste like blackberries (I wear blackberry lip gloss, but he argues that it's because that's my name).

He knows and he listens and he remembers. And he tries. He always tries.

And god I love him.

[novuit]

I was going to say something really deep and worrying but then I realised that it sounded like something England would say and I could've drawn him saying it instead of venting like the sorry man I am lmao

[eorzeashan]

Jadus lost his flesh long ago. He can take any form he so chooses, as long as it is warped by the Dark Side; shadow oozes out of the holes in his mask, his limbs elongating, his body a crack in the void. Fear changes him, and fear makes him different than he appears both before mortal eyes and in lasting memory. Fear makes him larger than life-- there is no corner of the psyche he cannot fill, no shape too terrifying he cannot become. He is fear itself, nebulous, changing, twisted, sticky and stinking as oil, a rot in the hive. Jadus is the man who walks among us. Jadus is the thing that walks among men. Jadus is Jadus.

[sentientsky]

In the place where the foundations shiver with the weight of every ghost you’ve laid to rest beneath the floorboards / In the liminal, staticky place where you were first made monstrous (made hollow and whimpering and fickle) / In the place that tore you lengthwise and emptied you onto the front porch, you learn to swallow back the rage, hold it captive and writhing in your gut. 

You learn your way around a set of teeth.

You learn the hackles-raised, jagged-mouthedness of a home without a scrap of heat. You learn how to pull each of your canines out by the bloodied pulp, all nerve endings and the blunted edges of grief.

You learn it because what other choice do you have? What’s the alternative, when all you’ve ever known is the dull scrape of your back against the wall, of your heart tearing clear through your chest?

And god, god, god (you pray to an empty sky). God, you’re so bitter and your bones are all galvanized under your skin, and it hurts. It fucking hurts. 

And yet you’d sooner turn your own snapping jaws on yourself than risk learning what happens to animals that misbehave.

So you make yourself small, you make yourself antiseptic and supplicating and placid. You domesticate every thrashing need to escape. You walk into a family dinner with darting yellow eyes: Cerberus with three heads, each maw zip-tied shut by your own hand. You show them the soft flesh of your underbelly—you show the whites of your eyes.

You bite back the terror, you choke on the wrath. Because what else is there to do? (inspired by this post from @actual-changeling. thanks for the gut-wrench, alex </3)

[asphodelpoetry]

lopsided smile,

misplaced fat,

my right eye droops down.

uneven surface for wandering eyes to slide off of:

you have it all, little sister,

why do you choose to rub it in?

[caseyscraftycorner]

sometimes i need to remind myself: of course i am still learning how to be a person. there has been so little time, so little opportunity. and, this may be hard. i may often feel lost. but there is joy here, too. in living. in learning. in becoming.

[taxinealkaloids]

adding onto the v funny beholding discussion: everyone in jonah's time seemed to think that he was far too much of a little freak to hang out with, so of course he's like !!! when he meets gertrude & jon.

yes!! one of my favorite characteristics of the beholding4beholding character dynamics is how they are just...Legitimately Compatible. they get along!! We don't really see this so much with Elias and Gertrude in canon, simply because we don't see them interact much (except when he's killing her lmao but even then there is certainly a familiarity there, I mean "i suppose we both got a little compliant, fifty years is a long time" come ON) but we certainly see it with Elias and Jon. It's so interesting because these are all characters who are at odds with each other in the narrative! They don't trust each other, they aren't even on the same side here. They may be working together right now but everyone's expecting a betrayal eventually. but like...they enjoy hanging out together. they LIKE each other, even though logically they shouldn't, given the situation. It's about the self-recognition through the other y'know? This is particularly an element in jonelias but I think Elias and Gertrude had it to an extent as well. There's a sort of energy that's like *sigh* "unfortunately we enjoy each other's company" that I think is so fun about it.

[amiallowedtocry013]

You see, I was a debutant in another life but 🤍

Now I seem scared to go outside 🤍

If comfort is a construct 🤍

I don’t believe in good luck 🤍

Now that I know what’s what 🤍