#My therapist told me to stop looking at the news for my mental health and I don't feel I get that luxury due to you know

[rikamae]

I understand now. I understand all of it.

All those times politicians claimed something was "too complicated" "not that simple" "we don't have the money" it's all lies to keep us complacent.

They did it about the situation is Israel. "It's too complicated" everyone said. It didn't look complicated when I did my own research, away from those shitty think pieces talking down to me. Israel was a state built off the blood of Palestinians, and they simply do not want you to think about it. Because there is oil in the middle east and Israel is our only "Ally"

Wow, so complicated! The complicated part being that our media is tricking us into thinking this is so complex so they can be evil in plain sight: yes, so complicated of a situation!!

And today I wake up to find that the House of Representatives (the lowest level of US government) has passed a bill offering 14 billion to Israel! It will go to the Senate to vote. Wow, billion with a B huh? I got a question for you.

Where the fuck did we get enough money to fund genocide? Where the hell was all this money when it comes to supporting the Americans you politicians claim to be representing? Where was this money for free college, universal Healthcare, covid precautions, the climate crisis??

"It's just too complicated! You'll make us do cuts on other programs! You'll make us raise taxes!! Think of the taxes!!!"

Then where did this money come from? Oh, the IRS, the fucking company that handles our taxes??? Yeah????? That was an option? Why wasn't it an option before but it is now? Were they over funded and we just didn't notice until now? Or are you taking advantage of the situation to cut funding to another service you hate?? The point being: if they really want something, they can find the fucking money. They haven't because they don't want to.

It's never been complicated. It's their job to move money around. It's their fucking job to raise our taxes and provide for us, but the only people they truly represent are the ones filling their pockets with lobby money. They could have done this long ago, given us what we've been demanding, but they coddled us and said it was too complicated and our baby brains couldn't handle it. And God forbid you be a woman!! That means you're double unable to understand!

Enough. Fucking enough. Every year congress votes to increase their wages and refuses to raise our minimum wage. Every year they take advantage of their medical insurance and benefits they get for "representing" us when nearly every adult I know is left to suffer with their conditions: untreated sicknesses, chronic conditions, the depression that looms over us because we live in the most wealthy country in the world but we can't make ends meet and our government is more concern with funding armies that feeding and housing us

Politics was never complicated. They just told us it was. To shut us up. To make us feel young and idealistic and stupid. And we fell for it. And now evil is moving through the wills of our leaders IN OUR FUCKING NAMES to support a genocide in the middle east. Their only crime was being born on that land. Their only crime is being Arab. That's not a fucking crime.

Our system isn't complicated. It's working as intended. Keep the people blind and claim that it's too hard, leave all the details to them. But we are smarter than they are. We are informed. The world is connected like never before and I refuse to let their propaganda ever reach me again.

Hold them accountable. Know their names. Write it in the history books. Let their legacy be known to the end of times.

Be loud about your anger. Go to protests. Write your reps to tell them your vote is on the line. And for God's sake vote in the damned elections!

THE IDEA THAT YOUR VOTE DOESN'T MATTER IS PROPOGANDA. THEY WANT YOU TO FEEL USELESS. THEY WANT YOU TO GIVE UP SO THEY STAY IN POWER.

They want you to think it's complicated. It never has been. Be loud. Vote. Use your right to protest. Use your right to free speech. Use your right to petition. Next Tuesday is election day. Make it fucking count.

[themoonsbeloved]

I still need help

Its now the 8th of January and despite being told by my friend who spoke with her boss 3 weeks ago during their meeting that he was to hire me in the beginning of January and would reach out to me, he hasn't. I'm hoping somehow, eventually, when this man finally bothers to, he will contact me for a job offer since he reassured me back in november that he still intends to hire me. But since I have no idea when that will be, that means I'm left hanging completely.

long story short I am mentally ill and disabled who was dismissed from my last and only job that I struggled 2 years to get, only to be fired in 2 months in June because of my chronic fatigue and abusive managers. I rely a lot on my henna but bookings are not consistent enough to make regular income, and majority of the money ends up going to contributing to house bills for my family.

My therapy picks up again this week, very honestly been the only thing keeping me from harming myself at this point with how painful life has been and I want to be able to continue getting it low cost (£25 per session), my therapist is so amazing and we recently came to the understanding that I have complex-PTSD, and plan to look into it more this year. I'm too mentally ill to try and look for jobs right now and am basically doing 3 jobs already (one being joint caring duties with family members for my grandparents since I live with them, which I'm not paid for obviously) with inconsistent money coming in/sessional work that I will be paid for once completed further into the year.

I have so many other costs that are coming in the near future, like paying for more medication, and for more lazer hair removal sessions for my severe hirsutism, which usually is around £300 if I'm lucky to catch offers. This is another I thing I mentally can't afford to stop doing, struggling with severe hirsutism and the trauma of it all my life means its important I can feel and live somewhat comfortably in my body. Lazer hair isn't permanent and I'm looking into electrolysis, but again, I don't have that money yet and would prefer to not leave a huge gap where I don't do lazer and the mental torture of watching my body hair grow back. I also haven't gotten my eyes checked in over 3 years, and know I will need a change in perscription and need new glasses. I hate nothing more than what its come to. I'm just exhausted and burnt out from the constant anxiety and depressive episodes, I'm barely eating or sleeping, I'm sick of everything and everyone and I just wish god would give me a break.

With all of the above in mind I'm aiming for about £600. This is all basically to help me just function and continue getting the things that help me not succumb to my mental health issues. If anything, my birthday's coming up in feb so I would appreciate it if folks gave some money if they have the means to. Anything is fine at this point.

Thank you so much

https://paypal.me/iffiia?country.x=GB&locale.x=en_GB

£0/£600

[embrosegraves]

𝕎𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕎𝕚𝕝𝕝 𝔹𝕖, 𝕎𝕚𝕝𝕝 𝔹𝕖

(request) Max Verstappen x ftm!Driver!Reader (he/they) I named the child Peter :P

Warnings: pregnancy, talks of mental health, crying. Let me know if I missed any <3

Max could tell that there was something bothering you. He prided himself on being able to tell when his loving partner was stressed because that meant that he could help you. Throughout the whole day Max found himself struggling to think of what could possibly be the reason for your stress. It was possible that it was because being both a parent and an F1 Driver was a difficult thing to do. But you had assured Max months ago that you loved being both. 

Could it be because your son, Peter, was at the beginning of the ‘Terrible Twos’? It was possible but wasn’t the most likely. By the time you were both back in your hotel room, Peter sleeping peacefully on the middle of the hotel bed, Max was almost as stressed as you were. 

“Schat?” Max called to you. You had spent the last 30 minutes in the bathroom and he was getting more worried every second. 

You walked out of the bathroom, still in shock about the news you found out this morning. How were you going to tell Max? It was hard enough the first time around. You look at Max as you walk towards him. 

“What’s up Lovie?” 

“I should be asking you that, Y/n/n.” He took your hands in his and gently sat you both on the couch at the end of the bed. “You’ve been stressed about something all day and for the life of me I can not figure it out.”

“Max-” You went to reply but Max was in his own world asking you more questions. 

“Is your period bothering you? I know you told me that you still get them. Are the cramps worse than usual? Do you need some medicine? I can go get some if you need-”

“Max.” This time your voice was more firm, something that Max caught onto instantly. It was only slightly different to the voice you used when Peter was misbehaving and you needed to get his attention. “Max it’s not- it’s not my period.” 

“Oh. Well, that’s good? Right?”

You sighed before turning to fully face Max on the couch. You gripped his hands tighter before you spoke. You knew you had to tell him.

“The problem is that it’s not my period. I was supposed to start on my period around three days ago, but I didn’t. I only just noticed last night before bed. I thought that maybe it was just an irregular period, but then I thought about how my cycle was before we found out about Peter. I took a test this morning and- and-” 

You couldn’t continue. Thankfully Max was smart enough to know what you were trying to tell him. Before Peter was born, you and Max had decided that you would be a One and Done family. It made sense at the time, what with you constantly fighting the thoughts in your head saying that maybe you were faking your identity. You had never wanted to go through that ever again. Yet here you were, telling him that you were pregnant with another baby Verstappen. 

Upon realising that he hadn’t said anything yet, Max bundled you into his arms and held you tight. It was exactly the reassurance you needed before you started to cry. Shushing you gently, Max started to softly stroke your hair. 

“We will figure this out Y/n. I promise you that.” Max was never a person that showed his emotions often, but he couldn’t help the tears that began gathering in his eyes. “We will survive this. When we get back home, I’ll schedule an appointment for you. Just in case this is a false positive.”

“What if it’s not?” You croaked out, voice hoarse from crying. 

Max didn’t once stop stroking your hair as he spoke. “If it’s not a false positive then I will help you get through this. I can call the therapist we used for Peter’s pregnancy and we can start going again. I don’t ever want you to feel uncomfortable so if this is something you find out you don’t want, I will find a way to fix it.” 

Your sniffles had died down by now, but Max had no intention of letting you go from his arms. You had told him years ago that you always felt safest when in his arms and Max would rather die than let you feel unsafe when you were vulnerable. 

“Max…” 

“Yes, Liefde?” 

“The pregnancy test wasn’t the only thing I was thinking about today…” 

“What else was worrying you?” Max asked, confused. He hadn’t thought that your visible stress from the day had been because of two different things. Looking back now, it should have been obvious that there was more than one thing on your mind. 

You hesitated to tell him. This thought that had been occupying a large portion of your mind lately was arguably harder to speak out loud than telling him that you were pregnant was. 

“You don’t have to worry about how I’ll react. I promise you that nothing you say will upset me.” Sometimes you hated how Max knew the exact thing to tell you in every situation. 

“I think I’m going to retire soon.”

“Okay.” 

You raised your head sharply, almost hitting the bottom of Max’s chin in the process. 

“Okay?” 

Max nodded and looked you directly in your eyes for a second before moving the hair away from your forehead and gazing at the rest of your face. 

“If you feel like you need to retire, then you retire. I’ll support our family and I will make sure that none of us could ever want for anything.” 

Your eyes started to water. You placed your hands on either side of his face and pulled him into a deep kiss. Max’s eyes fluttered closed as you pulled him in. Breaking apart for some air, Max rested your foreheads together. 

It was quiet for a while before he broke the silence. 

“I will always look after you. I never want you to feel like you are at war with yourself. You will always be my handsome boy, Mijn Liefde. I will always be here to help you. I will take care of us. I promise you that.”

I hope you enjoyed <3 honestly this was so much fun to plan out and the write like I don't think I've ever enjoyed writing something this much i loved doing this

[gold-snek-hoe]

Hello and welcome to Opinions from an Internet Nobody. Today's essay:

"Ger therapy" is the new "You need Jesus": One Weirdo's Navigation through Cultural Shame

This is a supposedly well-meaning sentiment that is often weaponized against people who are behaving outside of perceived cultural norms. It's a favorite of homophobes who see queerness/transness as a mental illness, but I've been seeing it used to demonize kink (which historically is often linked to queerness), and more generally any "weird" behavior that makes people uncomfortable.

For example, otherkin, systems (especially those with fictives), and people who take fictional characters as partners. Y'know, "weirdos" who "can't separate reality from fiction." And, sure, sometimes there can be a problem with that distinction, but I know as well as you that most internet strangers saying "get therapy" don't actually give a shit about the mental health of those they target. It's code for "your behavior makes me uncomfortable, stop it."

Same sentiment as "you need Jesus."

This has actually taken me a long time to figure out. I've been in therapy for my entire adult life, working through various traumas, severe depression, anxiety, all that. Those were the biggest problems as they negatively impacted, and often endangered, my life. It was only after my hospitalization in 2020, where I was finally put on much needed medication, that I could start to grow into myself.

I changed my name. I top surgery. I came out as polyamorous. I finally got my official autism diagnosis. Now I'm fuckin' married! But... there are still things I'm working through in therapy. Mainly, shame over my "weirder" behaviors. My current therapist has been a huge blessing in helping me accept the things I was too ashamed to admit.

Now, I feel comfortable enough to share.

I'm otherkin. Always have been. My connection to my humanity is tenuous, and I'm sure that's connected to my autism. When mad, I feel phantom horns sprouting from my forehead. I have a tail that swishes back and forth at the base of my spine. In my soul, I am monstrous, and years of therapy has not erased that.

I feel like I'm only half in the physical world most of the time. This doesn't hinder my real-world success (I graduated college Summa Cum Laude, have an IMDB page, and am on my third book), but informs the way I look at the world. There's a whole other universe in my head that hums along with me in my day-to-day. That's part of why I'm so skilled as a writer. To ask me to divorce from that is to tell me to stop existing. Sorry, it's how I've always operated.

Lastly, and this is the one I'm really anxious about, I have a fictional husband. Now, looking at my blog, you might say "yeah, no shit," but I don't just ship myself with him. I mean I practice pop-culture Witchcraft, and the Goblin King is my patron. I mean I have a Labyrinth-themed tarot deck that I talk to him with. I mean I held a ritual to spiritually marry him. Basically, I Snape-wived myself.

And guess what? My therapist isn't concerned. It's not hurting my ability to live my life. I have other interests, hobbies, and goals outside of him, which he actively encourages in all our tarot sessions! I wouldn't be doing this if he didn't support me. My IRL spouse is usually there for whatever magical shit I'm doing, and supports me! Some of my closest friends know, and the only complaint I've gotten is "this guy seems important to you, I wish you told me sooner." Hell, my MOTHER knows and supports me, which is huge, because our relationship was pretty damaged after I came out as trans.

If you have a problem with the way I live my life, when literally nobody else does, take a good long look at why. You don't give a fuck about my mental health. You just don't like that I'm weird.

Tl;dr: My mental health is better than it's ever been since embracing the weird, so leave me and my imaginary husband Marak Sixfinger alone.

[itskattkm]

New York New Rules Pt. 3

Warnings: Violence, Trauma, Fluff, maybe Smut, mental health, blood

Summary: Y/N meets the survivors of the last events in Woodsborrow and gets on Ghostface's list. But there is also a darkness in Y/N wich path is she going to choose

Female Y/N x Tara Carpenter

Sorry for bad writing. I'm using a translator and hope you guys can enjoy it. Also, this is going to be a long story

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

My body began to vibrate, or rather my head when I leaned it against the window of the taxi. So let's start reflecting on the day as it went so far.

Missed therapy hour because my therapist was brutally murdered. Check.

Shit... it would take me months until I find a new one.

What happened next? I closed my eyes and played the pictures in my head through like a movie.

Been accused for murder? Check.

Have been exposed and embarrassed In front of your girl crush and her sister? Check.

Surprising meeting with Kirby? Check.

Pursued by paparazzis and "interviewed" by Gale weathers? Check.

Witness to Tara punching Gale Weathers? Check.

Was I slightly turned on by it? Double Check.

"Y/N you're good?" A soft voice brought me back. I opened my eyes and had to blink slightly because of the unexpected brightness around me. I nodded silently and looked for the eyes of the taxi driver in the rear-view mirror. I put my hand on the passenger seat and pulled slightly forward, which is why Tara who sat between me and Sam pushed herself closer to Sam to give me the place I needed. "Hey you can let me out at Pompeii Pizza" he nodded to me but now Sam bent down in front "Y/N you can't go now you have to come with us" there was that shy me I knew so good. I probably would have done anything she said, but right now? Now I felt numb. Not present. And I didn't care.

No matter what happened yesterday. No matter what happened today. I just had to go home and hide in my room. It was one thing to become suspicious for several murders but to be exposed in front of almost complete strangers and to be claimed as a crazy woman with mental problems? And on top of that in front of your crush. That was too much for me.

Although Detective Bailey had exposed me to the two and they knew now more about me than I would have liked to let them know, I asked myself the question

Why do you want me to come with you?

"Why?" I asked confused

"Apart from the fact that you are a suspect, we have to talk to the others about it. Mindy wants us all to meet at the Blackmoore," she said and her eyes darkened. Although they didn't seem particularly inviting at the moment, I recognized something soothing in them.

"So you believe what Bailey said?" I asked and did not seem as strong as I had hoped. My voice was getting quieter and quieter. Maybe we didn't know each other so well, and I was just a friend of Mindy but did they really believe that I was behind it?

"Where were you during the bodega attack?" Said Tara cautions.

Confused, my gaze met hers. No, I wasn't confused. I was hurt. Her look was cold. Anger could be seen in her dark eyes, but the way she pulled her eyebrows together told me that there was something else, but what?

"Pompeii Pizza" said the driver and stopped.

Exhausted, I took a look and sighed. I shook my head when I opened the door of the taxi and got out.

"Y/N!"

I ignored it. Did Tara really think I was behind it? I didn't like the way she looked at me. As if I were a monster... the cars on the street were getting louder and louder for me. The measurements of people who were on the streets. Confused, I looked at the floor as I slowly went to the pizzeria.

And there they were at once. A few minutes before, I felt numb and now. Now there were too many feelings. I tried to arrange it in my head like a riddle. But I couldn't see anything. Too many letters. No words. I clenched my hands into fists to feel something I could describe. Then there was this sting. A continuous stitch. I had pressed my nails firmly into my palms so tightly that my knuckles turned white. Now I asked myself. What does that feel like?

After resensood.

Pressure a pressure that did not want to disappear.

And then the letters in my head came together and the word pain appeared before my eyes.

"Y/N wait!" I was grabbed by my shoulder and expected to be abruptly turned over. However, I was surprised and that of Sam. She sighed and slowly stood in front of me, so that I was forced to look at her. I was forced not to go any further.

"I was also a patient at Dr. Stone"

With widened eyes, I looked at her and a short smile escaped her lips when she agreed to my expression with a nodding head. "Believe me when I tell you that I can imagine how you feel. But you also have to understand-"

She looked over my shoulder to see Tara. However, I did not follow her gaze. As Tara had looked at me earlier... I never wanted to see these eyes again. That look in them. It made me feel so vulnerable and anxious. I already had it so hard to keep in touch with the people around me, but I tried to stand by. And with Tara, well it won't be difficult for me to ignore her in the near future.

At least that's what I thought

"After what we've been through, it's difficult for us with new people... and how fucked that sounds, but that's what Bailey said are very violent coincidences Y/N and if we should trust you... then you have to prove it to us"

Now I felt a different feeling.

Incomprehension

"Why should I do that?"

Surprised, Sam looked at me and straightened up. She probably didn't expect this answer.

"Sam, I am not part of your group. I'm just a friend of Mindy's"

I looked at the pizzeria and looked into the eyes of my own reflection Why do I looked so sad?

"As much as I wish it would be different, but even for Mindy I am just an acquaintance from the courses we have in common. And we both know Mindy, she is also very careful when it comes to new people. After she told me about Ghostface because it was a short topic in our course and not because she told me as a friend, I knew, okay. This friendship is nothing more than an an acquaintance, so why should I care Sam?" My legs were moving. I lightly bumped Sam on her shoulder to go past her but she grabbed me tightly by my arm and moved us so that I had to meet her eyes and my back faced the pizzeria.

"Because you care," she said bright. Confused, I looked at her. Her look was gentler than before and there was this glow.

"You may feel alone. And maybe you are... but you care. No matter how bad you are feeling. How the people around you are doing... you are someone who can feel how others are doing. And as much as you sometimes have to struggle with the darkness... you still care. Even if it hurts"

Why did it feel like a description of herself?

Were we both more similar than knew? I mean, we both went to the same therapist, maybe there was something to it. But what was Sam's problem? Also aggression? Mindy had never told me in detail what happened to all of them back then. She just said that the stab movies are based on true events and the murders of last year? Well she and her friends were involved.

Of course, I had watched all the stab films afterwards, but I couldn't imagine what must have happened to them.

"Go home. Take your time. But I hope that you come to the Blackmoore and try to find an answer for all this, together with us. You don't want to be a suspect, do you? So why not find out who is really behind it?"

She gave me a slight smile and left. Even after the taxi drove away, I was still starring on the same spot. Where did I get in there?

Damn Samantha Carpenter...

These feelings which you and your sister leave me behind are too much for me.

[partyinthemysterymachine]

hello, everyone. this will be my first and only time i will be publicly addressing this. i am not answering questions about this, and for the first time ever, i am also disallowing anons.

first of all, i want to say that i've chosen to address this now out of my own volition. because i do not find it fair at all that i have felt that i could NOT address it at any point in order to maintain peace and harmony during, and in the wake of the event.

however, i feel that due to the nature of what happened, and the absolute damage that it has done to my mental health, that i must, in order to further my own recovery from it all, and as so no longer feel bullied into silence.

there will be no names mentioned. this is not a vaguepost. this is my formal statement for my own peace of mind and progressing on my path towards recovery.

if you know, you know; and if you don't, you don't.

so.

let's talk.

throughout this past year i have been the target of a smear campaign concerning GOOMT. it actually began late 2022, but escalated long into 2023.

what entailed was nothing short of bad faith reading and interpretation from someone whose skill in character analysis was something i'd admired. in fact, i had agreed many a time with how they'd interpreted characters and the world of Silent Hill. although my interaction with said person had historically been minimal, it had been civil, and i strived to be respectful of them.

i am unfortunately unsure of what caused this, or why it happened at all; and i do not think they know either. what i do know is that many upon many lies were told about what i write, and that it turned needlessly personal on many occasions. people were turned against me for one reason another, and i'm saddened to have seen this happen.

i stayed quiet during it all. i did what many people facing ruthless targeted harassment do, and pretended i didn't know in hopes of minimizing damage, and in hopes of responsible parties losing interest; but this did not happen. i was sent bad faith anons, i was subject to lies, and saw hypocrisy.

and i understood who they were and why they were here. they were looking for "gotcha's!" that didn't exist, digging for reasons to further vilify me.

worse, the bullying was praised. it was encouraged, and it was near-constant. a whole tag was created. the intent was to hurt and isolate me, and it did. it did hurt me, and it did make me feel isolated, and i withdrew quite a bit.

but i did not stop writing. it took longer for me to post, but i did not stop writing.

and moreover?

i REFUSE to stop writing.

i write a fanfic for a fandom i love. i am as how you see me and how i present myself. i'm enthusiastic and encouraging to others because that is genuinely how i feel. i LOVE to see others create. i LOVE to see the vast amount of interpretations, and silliness, and new OCs and pairings and OC/canon pairings, and i LOVE to see others thrive.

and i am in competition with exactly no one.

i did nothing wrong. i KNOW i did nothing wrong. i also know that those involved know that i did nothing wrong, and i did nothing to deserve the treatment i received, no matter how they try to justify it to themselves.

the behavior i faced, and how others reacted with encouragement and cheer is becoming too common and too normalized.

and it needs to stop.

i've been in therapy for the better part of my life. although i've been without a therapist since i've moved, i've finally found one to not only continue my lifelong recovery in other matters, but to help myself recover from what i faced this year.

i am extremely hurt. i know that this was the goal, and it has succeeded. if hearing this fills those involved with pride and glee, then something is wrong, because that should not elicit that reaction. i am extremely, deeply disappointed in those involved for this, and all the hypocrisy, and all the contradictions, and all the willful bad faith asks sent and posts made.

and i have done nothing wrong.

i do not hate anyone. i do not hate who started this, or even who engaged with them; and i never did.

it is okay if someone doesn't like what or how i write. in fact, i have made multiple posts about how i view my attitude towards my writing. one of the points i have made is that i encourage people who do not like what i write, to NOT read it.

there is a very old saying on fandom internet: Don't Like? Don't Read. now, this should be obvious, but the practice of hate-reading is an extremely unhealthy behavior that has, again, become unfortunately normalized in the recent handful of years.

unlearn hate-reading. you do not read to read anything you do not like. it, in many cases, can actually constitute as self-harm. and if you choose to do this, it is not the author's fault.

it is yours. and you need to take responsibility for your own actions.

there are people here who were needlessly cruel to me and who i feel do not feel a lick of remorse for what they've done. i hope some day that they can reflect with a clearer head and understand, and take some responsibility for their actions.

and i genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, with full raw sincerity, hope that they do get to heal; that they do learn and grow; that they UNlearn these toxic behaviors; are able to move away from people who exhibit them; find the courage and strength to stand up for themselves and/or others, to end the cycle; and that they understand that i do not hate them, and that i wish them full success in their future health and endeavors.

that said, i hope all involved will never forget the harm they have done. i hope they cringe. i hope it keeps them up at night, and i dearly hope they actually regret their actions, or at some point come to regret it.

i do not hate any one of them, and i won't. i never will.

and never will anyone involved ever be forgiven for it either.

most of all - and on a much lighter note - i want to say thank you to those who supported me during this time. your patience and reassurance has been a saving grace that words unfortunately cannot do justice. you are precious to me, and i love you all, and i hope that i can be just as strong and supportive to you in your times of need.

thank you too to all my readers, my followers, and my friends. i'm sorry to have been largely absent this past year, but this was the reason why. next year it will be better, not just for me, but for all of us. i promise. i love you all.

i also love me, my art, my writing as a whole, and myself. i am a tough cookie. i may have cried a lot, i may have gotten frustrated and angry, but i am human. i'm allowed to feel this way, and i will feel this way for a while as i heal, yet i refuse to be bitter; and i refuse to stop loving what i do.

because i love GOOMT. i love developing GOOMT, i love drawing for GOOMT, and i love writing GOOMT. i always will love GOOMT, no matter how many years more it takes for me to write it. so thank you to all who have read and enjoyed GOOMT, and have matched my enthusiasm for it and its future. i am so, SO blessed to have you here, and i am SO excited to spin my story.

and i am so, SO glad to be alive to be able to share my piece of this silly foggy world with you.

cheers, mates. i look forward to a new year, better health for me and all, and to what beautiful things we can create and share together.

i love you - and i promise that we will be okay.

for we are alive, and with wounds that WILL heal.

[survivalist-anon]

Log 2: Living Under a Rock

It's been a week since my drop-off at the hospital....no surprise I've been having trouble sleeping, I got some work leave from my boss at the nature reserve.....god damn I'm fucking tired.

Local folks both new to the town and old friends have been pandering for questions.

Some of the local middle schoolers kept fallowing me to my work place asking me about the metal guy. I simply told them I shot him in the eye, than he exploded.....I wasn't expecting those annoying brats to tell other kids about it. Obviously the local pastor (Mark) has been sending his goons to come to my cabin to convince me to come to church for the sake of saving my soul and all that "lovely" jazz. I told them I literally may have met the devil, shot him in the eye, exploded , and now he's dead and thus to leave me alone.

Some folks are a little more respectful and just ask me about more personal things. Got recommended a therapist who just moved to town named Miss Jenny Oakley, nice lady, smiles all the time and has an impressive 3 PhDs in psychology and mental health medication. She's been helping me get through the whole thing and believes I'll be able to make a speedy recovery. She trusts my resolve and that's good in my book.

....now "Newly appointed Deputy" Jeff (my ex-boyfriend) apparently thinks he can just give me the presidential treatment. He keeps following my car EVERYWHERE. I feel like nuisance now this has happened, people keep staring at me when Jeff just follows me at this point. You'd think after our falling out he'd have the self respect to be a little less...creepy about it. He's stopped by my cabin to keep checking up on me....I wonder if he thinks it's going to be like in the movies where estranged lovers get back together if something happens....jokes on him... I do not need a guy who has tried to convince me to move to Ohio and insult my family's cultural background to boot. Asshole.

Anyways, I've been hanging out at this new coffee shop that's just opened up...it's cozy, sells actual homemade pastries and the coffee is pretty good. Finally, a nice third place. I've noticed more people around my age go there too .... however I've noticed one group constantly eyeing me from across the shop every time I go...they call themselves the "Marine Spotters"...I have no fucking idea what that intels, one of them came up to my table, had the audacity to sit down in front of me like he knew me.....

"So..........you saw one?", the unshaven neck beard asked.

".......you know you could have asked to sit down and I would have said yes but fine go off Gabe Newell.", I'm not usually this hostile but things have gotten tense for while....I wouldn't blame anyone for being upset at me for it either.

"heheh very funny, anyway, my name is Benedict Grabowski. I'm the local expert in these "big metal men "....I see based on your description you've seen a "Black Legion" marine. A level 3 on the danger scale and are quite rare in these parts.", he adjusts his glasses. "The fact you even survived a harrowing encounter with one is without a doubt a life achievement and a free ticket admission to our organization!", handing me a business card with some edgy cartoon spaceman, it had his phone number, email address and an actual address...it was the abandoned mineral mine not too far from the animal reserve I work at....

"I hope your membership will prove to be of great use to us.", concluding with a smug look on his jolly face.

I sat there ready to throw this guy from window I was seated next to....but I'm certain the shop owners wouldn't be too pleased.

".....why the .org?"

He acted confused, "I beg your pardon?".

"...the .org....on your email address....you don't work for the Tillamook station do you? I told them I don't know shit.", took a frustrated sip of my coffee.

He laid back, "well...I...what one would call....a "white hat hacker"....my services in online server hacking, government surveillance and hehe...not to brag...a national code cracking champion of the Tokyo Code Breaker competition. I actually am...not a huge fan of our corporate federal overlords and I only desire for their inevitable downfall through me tanking their stocks."...

I literally was sitting across to a felon....

"so ..with your epic survival skills, my tech mastery and my collaborators", he points to his original table of collected individuals; a heavyset goth girl, the kid of one of the local beef farmers and one creepy guy I remember being the weird kid in highschool.

"Hi Steven.", I wave to him.

"Hi Lorey!", he waves and gives his creepy grin that in through literally means nothing to me. He does it for a cheap bit that I'm certain Jeff already knows and is dieing to catch him for something.

By this point Benedict was actually shocked I knew Steven. "What?! I thought you just moved here!"

I chuckled a little, "I use to live here, I know the area rather well but it's changed a bit since I was last here back in 2003. Also....what the shit is this all about?". I point to the business card.

His shocked expression transforms back into that stupid 'big shot cool guy' look. "Well, we spot those big metal men. Turns out....these anomalous entities are actually appearing throughout the whole planet. All of them of variety and....motives....". He looks around, takes out a folder of the ever lovable 'blurry photographic evidence' one would expect looking for cryptids. "Behold. Humanoids who walk amongst us!".

Im staring at the photos, one struck me to my core ....the big black and bronze one I saw being blown to chunks...the one that killed Grandpa.

"ah...I see...so it was that one.", leaning towards me closer....I can smell the fucking butter from his croissant he ate at his table. "If you need us...call us....", he decided to leave a second card....ok....."anyway, surprised?"

I was a lot more than surprised....I must have been living under a rock...."yeah....I am."

After that I decided to go home. On the ride back, I couldn't help but wonder if Benedict was telling the truth... about them being everywhere...that's a scary thought in all honesty.

I get out my car and took one long glance at my Grandpa's cabin. His only inheritance to my mom. When I said the funeral was a mess, it was an absolute garbage fire because on the same day we had his will reading. His most valuable possession in his will was this cabin, and boy was my aunt pissed she didn't get the property. At least Mom had the last laugh, anyway....as I was remembering that day....I noticed something that sent shivers up and down my spine.

A blood trail....it looked like it came from the forest behind the property, up the steps and on to my doormat. I get out of the car, cautiously, for I all know whom ever left this bloody mess is close by.

It was a huge leather sack, sealed tight with...a red wax in the opening. It was leaking a lot, I was hesitant to open it, but the blood smelt familiar. "....it can't be....", I tore off the hard wax, the gamey stink of deer was permeating throughout the porch. Opening the sack, I saw what could be weeks worth of meat. I was stunned! All nicely cut and cleaned ...I tried lifting the sack without getting some blood on me...failed...and brought it to the cellar freezer. As I placed the meat in the freezer, I saw there was a note on the bag I hadn't noticed....it was a handwritten note for certain....but I had no idea what was written on it. Again, Nordic ruins were present...but it was mixed with another language...I took medieval history a short while back and had the privilege of almost learning how to read medieval texts....it was close to it...and yet... completely unreadable for me.

I set the note on a table and save it for later.

Everything has been so strange lately.

The hours pass, and I finally decided to do some digging....this has to be some...real life ARG or something....it's either a dedicated group of cosplayers....or... something is really out there...it's so uncanny....

End of log 2

@kit-williams

[lnights]

@10yearsofblindchannel

Crew, friends, and family day! Word count 925, Joel&Samy.

TW mentions of past mental health crisis, briefly alluded to suicidal thoughts.

Joel looked at the time, they were all meeting at the studio to load up for tour, but he had a little while before he really had to be there. They always got the big stuff on first and that took a while...

So he just needed to wait for his ride.

It didn't take long until the familiar black sedan pulled up to the curb, metal music blasting through the window as it slid down.

"Taxi service for one dramatic blonde?" A laughing voice called.

Joel rolled his eyes and flipped him off, throwing his bags in the trunk before getting into the passenger seat, turning to look at the blue haired singer.

"Good morning sunshine!" Samy said as he pulled away from the curb.

"You're way too excited for this early in the morning." Joel grumbled.

"I'm ready for the tour man!" Samy told him, "aren't you excited?"

"Of course I am!" Joel rolled his eyes, "but I still need coffee first."

Samy chuckled but promised to stop at a cafe, drumming his tattooed fingers on the steering wheel in beat to the song playing on the radio.

"I really can't wait to tour all over with you guys," Samy told him, "it's going to be a blast."

"It is," Joel agreed, "i can't believe we're finally doing a big headline tour like this out of Finland."

"I can, I've been watching your stuff just go up the charts." Samy told him.

"Your stuff is going to too." Joel told him eagerly, he had been hanging out with Johnny and Samy a couple weeks ago and they had let him listen to Lost Society's upcoming album and it was awesome, even if he could hear all the pain Samy had been suffering through.

He knew a little of it, he had just started working with Johnny when he first met Samy and he had seen how he had been drinking too much, going down a bad way…

But a couple years ago he had gone sober and stayed sober; he always seemed happy. But there had been a few times even Joel had seen the cracks in his happy mask, getting more and more frequent, little things he had said here and there to indicate just how much he was hiding.

But he didn't realize how bad it was until he heard from Johnny that Samy had checked himself into the hospital. He had visited his friend as soon as Samy was ready to see people and he had gotten the whole story that night.

So Joel could admit Suffocating made him cry, knowing Samy had written that to be his last song ever; he had a couple extra sessions with his own therapist afterwards, processing everything as he had always thought he and Samy were a lot alike and he felt so guilty for missing the signs he needed help.

"Are you going to be good?" Joel asked quietly, "singing a couple of your new songs?"

Samy hummed, "I'm can guess which one you're worried about. A lot of singers excorsie their demons through song you know."

"And some it makes them think about it again and again and they can't escape it." Joel replied.

"I know, I'm ok man." Samy sighed, "you don't have to keep an eye on me or anything, I'm good. If I need it'll call my therapist, I'm still not going to be drinking… I'm excited for this."

Joel nodded, "alright, I'm excited too."

Samy grinned a little, "and besides, Taz, Mirko and Arttu will be there, they know how to pull me out of a bad mood, and you haven't lived until you've seen Taz in mother hen mode."

Joel laughed, trying to picture the drummer fussing over his bandmates. "I need to see that."

They talked the whole way to the cafe, getting coffee and pulla and sitting outside to enjoy the morning sunshine until Joel's phone started ringing; he looked at the name that flashed up on the screen-

Oh no.

Angry Tour Manager

Joel frantically gestured Samy to the car as he answered. "Good morning-"

"You have 20 minutes to get here and load your crap onto the bus." Santeri told him bluntly, "or we leave without you. And tell Samy that the Lost Society boys are saying the same."

"We're almost there," Joel promised, "it won't take us long to load up."

"Good." Santeri hung up.

Samy cackled as Joel told him the threat and made the last 10 minutes of their drive in 5, parking between an unfamiliar car and one Joel recognized as Aleksi's.

"Cutting it close Samy boy." Mirko called from one of the two parked buses.

"Hey, I've never been late to leave for tour!" Samy called back.

"Joel can't say the same!" Niko shouted.

"That was because of Porko!" Joel yelled back, running to thrown his bag on his bunk before stowing his equipment.

Within a few minutes they had gotten packed and the two bands and crews met outside the buses to talk before they departed for the first gig of the tour.

"We're really glad you guys are coming along." Joonas told them.

Arttu smiled, "we're glad too."

With the details for the day's drive discussed between their drivers and everything ready to, they all started to get settled on the buses; Samy hugging Joel tight before he got on their bus.

"I'm good," he reminded him, "you don't need to worry about me. And if that changes… I'll let you know."

Joel nodded and hugged him back before going to get on his own bus. He trusted Samy to ask for help if he needed it.

It was going to be a great tour.

[aprilsadviceaskblog]

Hi there, sorry to bother you but I wanted to ask for advice, feel free to delete if it's too triggering. So basically, I am severely mentally ill and I am about to start work as a suicide line worker, which I'm very worried about because I struggle to take care of myself and I also get extremely hopeless/nihilistic about how many terrible things happen in the world, so I know this is going to be very difficult for me; however, it is the only opportunity available to me at the moment until I get further in my education, so I have to just do it somehow. I also recently just had my first session with a new therapist, and she told me that before our next session I needed to decide if I wanted to talk about weekly stressors or if I wanted to start working through my trauma. I have PTSD + BPD and my old therapist that I saw for years said it wasn't good for me to do trauma work now and that I needed to not be suicidal constantly before it'd be safe to work on that.

But the problem is that I just, I haven't been able to stop being suicidal, I have felt that way the majority of the time I've been alive. My mental health actually got worse over the years of just talking to that therapist about my "crisis of the week" as she called them, so I know I *should* start going into my past with this new therapist.

But I'm just terrified about how I'm going to handle the stress of this job and delving into my past, like, I am just so scared of myself and what I might do when I'm under that much stress. I really struggle with just basic self-care things like eating and drinking enough water. I really do genuinely want to get better, and I know that persevering would be very good for me both financially and long-term health wise, I'm just... so scared. I guess I'm just wondering if you have any advice on how to navigate a situation like that? Thank you so much for reading and running your blogs.

I'm sorry to have left this sitting for a bit. I wanted to come up with something to say but I just haven't had anything.

The only suggestion I've come up with is my usual recommendation on dealing with urges, which could be what happens under the stress, and that's to look into urge surfing.

I'm sharing this in hopes that followers can make a suggestion?

[imperfect777]

Part 1

Hello 👋🏻 maybe you don't remember me but in December I asked you if there was no problem if I could fulfill myself even if I had a bad past or how I was in the past and that I had a lot of regret for what I did and you recommended many things to me, the truth is when I spoke With you that day I felt more relieved, it felt like a relief to finally see that doubt resolved because I had never spoken to someone about that topic. I'm very ashamed and I love my parents but I don't have enough confidence to talk to them much less with anyone else and I thank you for listening to me and also to another blogger to whom I said the same thing, well on that task you gave me no I could write what I felt because I relived everything I did and it became unpleasant and it only made my feeling and my self-concept worse so I couldn't do it, but I did cry a lot I even screamed into the pillow but I still felt pain I don't know how to explain it it's strange but I screamed but I still felt pain in my chest, that the day I even hit the pillow (poor pillow right) I felt a little better, but I still have that problem, I tried to focus on my 4d (desires, imagination, etc.) but my past continued appearing and I kept questioning if I deserved it, for example I imagined me and my sp loving each other and my head told me *who would like to be with you because of what you did? Do you think I would date a bad person like you? Do you think anyone would love you? Do you want to be loved? You would have thought that before* The list is long, plus if I imagined my desired life my head said *do you plan to live a happy life? Do you deserve it?* Anyway, even when I see some people talking about deserving it it makes my stomach turn a little, well I wanted to enter the void so I could erase my past (I have seen many success stories that changed their lives since their birth until his whole life) which I saw as a hope of being at peace but he said *ok, I will change everything as if nothing had happened, but inside me that person continues to live in my memory I will continue to see that past, which makes me continue without deserving it*

Hello hun. I remember you and our interaction luv, I’m no therapist so I can’t tell you what to do. But whatever will clear your mind and but you in a better state and mind please do so. Whatever makes you genuinely happy, Do it. If you don’t know, Try new things and find new hobbies. Bring yourself peace and happiness. Of course your desires probably play a major role in that but, I really feel like you should focus on yourself as of right now. Your mental and physical health is important. Get yourself mental health back on track and then back to the basics. SELF CONCEPT HUN. First things first, Your happiness, Your mental and physical health. Take care of yourself. Let’s get that together first. Then you can focus back on your desires. You can manifest your desires in any kind of state or condition but I think you should work on your mental health first because that’s just as important as your desires. Way more important actually. Of course I still feel as if you should let your emotions out, Cry and do whatever you have to do. Don’t bottle up your emotions, Let your emotions out and don’t look back. After that it’s dead. There’s nothing else to worry about. Let it out and do something that makes you happy right after, Continue to enjoy your day and make yourself happy. Now on to the next, You deserve everything you want and more. What you desire is meant for you, You can and will have everything you desire. You deserve peace, love, happiness, and everything else you desire and soooo much more. And you will get it. Nothing can stop you or hold you back from getting whatever it is you desire. Emotions don’t matter, Your emotions aren’t connected to your desires, Your mind is. You can feel however you feel but that doesn’t effect anything your manifesting. Just don’t let your emotions get the best of you and drive you to spiral. If you happen to do, Do that. It’s okay, Calm yourself down and breathe, And get back in the state of the wish fulfilled. This is where time comes in. Time doesn’t matter, The past or future doesn’t matter, The present is the only thing that matters. Whatever happened in the past is done and over with. It’s dead, Even if it just happened. It’s dead. Focus on the now, If you didn’t have your desires 3 seconds ago that doesn’t matter but you have them NOW! I know I know I say this a lot but please work you your self concept before diving into any of your other desires. At least for a week. Use whatever method you want and how many affirmations you need. Just please work on your self concept and prioritize your mental health and yourself because you’re important! Honestly like I said i’m no doctor or therapist but maybe you need to heal something within, Find something to help you finally let go of your past. Because it’s old. It’s literally dead. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters but the now.

[valswrld05]

ok, we need to talk.

cw??// mention of body image/body insecurity and eating disorders

I've been gone for nearly a month and I've thought about some things during my break.

I don't want to gain anymore. I like being chubby(sometimes), but I js realized that gaining weight has really messed up my mental. Ever since I was young, I was always told things like "if you gain weight, you'll become ugly" or "no one likes a fat girl". These types of things made me scared to gain weight. However, I have always been fat. No matter what age I was, I was never considered skinny.

From the age of about 8 I started to binge eat. I didn't it realize until I was about 11 when we were learning about eating disorders in health class. For about 4 more years I continued to research and take online tests to see if I had BED (binge eating disorder, im gonna just shorten it from now on). From all of this research, I had been thinking I had it. I told my mom but she didnt care. She just body shamed me and told me things like "you dont have an eating disorder, only skinny people have those" or "your just fat and lazy, stop eating so much". I felt so ashamed about my body and how I looked. All I ever wanted in life was to not be fat. So I turned to feedism.

Around 2019 was when I figured out this was a thing that people were into. I found videos on youtube and kinda just fell into a rabbithole of different sites and apps that had this community within it. I felt special in this community, because I realized that people actually like fat girls. However, there was a downside to this community. I felt as though I had to gain weight. I didnt force the weight gain because I have always gained from my BED. Online, I felt so amazing and confident with my body. But irl, I was a mess.

I was constantly having breakdowns when I stood front of mirrors, after I ate, etc. I hated gaining weight because irl society doesn't like fat people. We have always gotten mistreated in real life, in media, etc. And not to mention finding love. I've always been a hopeless romantic. And finding love as a fat girl is actually so hard. To end this off, when I turned 18 I went to a therapist, and I was diagnosed with BED. Honestly, I don't know where I'm going with this message but I'll try to sum it up quickly and in a short manner.

I am quitting gaining. By no means am I saying that I'm quitting this acc. I still want to post, I just don't like gaining. I might even try to lose a bit of weight (I'll still stay chubby though).

Another thing I want to talk about: changing my layout/name.

I've started to get more closer with my irl friends and I always get scared that they are somehow going to find me. So I decided to change my name. My new name will be 'Val (which is short for valerie)'.

my new layout will look similar to this:

(also, this is an insta acc I made to post my pics and js other lil things, follow if u want :D)

always remember me🫡🫡

I just want to thank you for reading and I would just like to say a few more things.

I absolutely love this community!! I've talked to such amazing and sweet people through feedism. So therefore, I am still into feedism (in general and sexually).

Thank you and now I'm going to sleep because I am sooo tired

[aitahrpc]

Am I the asshole?

I had a mutual whom we literally met online like a year ago, and even met in person like three four times? Things were going well, we were bonding and making good friends... That was until her final visit to my house. We had planned for her to come at a certain time so I had time to get the house cleaned and prepared for company. (Myself being a mom and wife, I didn't want the place all messy you know?)

HOWEVER, the morning she was to come, she never once answered a phone call or text message of mine... THEN SHOWED UP EXTREMELY EARLY. Normally I wouldn't let this get to me but then after chilling in my livingroom WATCHING me scramble to continue to clean my house she proceeds to ask me if I could CLEAN MY HOUSE. Flabbergahsted, I just stammered out already struggling to chase the kids she hopped up on an ass load of sugar "Oh-Uh, sure!"

The rest of her time there things kept getting weirder... (She had already been put in check once as she played FOOTSEY with me in a theater one time while we were out... The film was Morbious... She'd NEVER let my husband or myself get me things I had been planning on getting or he had planned on getting me... It got to the point that when she found out I was looking for a new laptop, the thing showed up at my fucking door....) She even asked me once if we were just friends because I wanted to write with her... Which again I didn't know how to respond to the question, because why did it matter? We were friends... Simple.

I asked her to stop this stuff and respect my boundaries... (Due to it starting to feel a bit... Personal, as we had only just became friends....) But, she only got worse. She then during her final in person stay with me proceeded to do/watch whatever she wanted on MY tv and even stopped me from talking during shows, just so she could talk through out the entire bit.

I eventually stopped allowing her to come over, and mainly hung out on discord... Though she demanded I be in VC with her ALL. DAY. LONG. And basically be her live journal/therapist about how bad her life was and how she wanted it to end, with ZERO break. (She'd even to talk to me just after harming herself, and OPENLY ADMIT IT TO ME SHE WAS. WHICH IS EXTREMELY TRIGGERING FOR ME BEING A FORMER HARMER.) At this point she wouldn't even write with me anymore. It was basically anything and everything she wanted to do at this point. Even watching shows it was what SHE wanted. Mind you, she was replying/writing with EVERYONE ELSE on here.

It got to the point that my own mental health was going down the drain, and I started to loathe myself because I was becoming bitter to her and I was intimidated due to the fact she had over a thousand followers... I felt like I was obligated to be friends with her still due to the fact she had spent so much money on me and claimed they were gifts... (I shit you not she spent like over $1,000 AGAINST MY WISHES. I TOLD HER NO AND TO STOP. I even gave her money in return... I EVEN STOPPED TELLING HER IF I WAS DOING SOMETHING THAT REQUIRED MONEY.) It ultimately killed my entire muse to write/rp and Idk if I can ever get it back now....

I've cut ties with her, but even now I still have to ask.... Am I the asshole for bailing on someone even though they spent so much money on me?

P.S Even to this day, she keeps trying to contact me.

[anhay-hootenheimer]

1 Year

Today marks the anniversary of being Diagnosed with Diabetes. I had been feeling shitty for quite some time beforehand and in retrospective, the signs were all symptoms of undiagnosed diabetes.

Theres no weaselling out of responsibility, taking the easy way out of blaming genetics or unfortunate circumstances, the diabetes was a devil of my own making. A result of imcredibly destructive and unhealthy lifestyle choices over a prolonged time.

I still remember the day My gp's asistant called and insisted on a fast appointment. It was a bit unusual, I just thought it would be another "be aware of the future impact of your choices" pep talknfro my doc. It wasnt, he flatout, no mercy smacked the diagnosis into my face. An incredibly harsh, yet effective wakeup call. Instantly Inwent home, poured all tge coke in my fridge into the toilet (bottles were opened and prepared withnfreshly squeezed lime juice, the closed ones i had i donated to a coworker) and gave away all overly unhealthy food items i had in my possession.

Called and made a Diabetologist appointment the next morning. hbpa 11 % Hardcore bad. I was enrolled in a course for Type 2 Diabetics, I had to attend once a week over a few months. I learned the basics and got taught a few tricks and was told that for starters, just switching out things for healthy alternatives is fine, change needs to come slow, carefully. I was probably the only one who 100% religiously followed the courses lessons and brought weekly blood sugar measurement values in.

What was the most incredibly hard to pull off change was carbs. You dont realize how carb heavy your diet is until you look to change it. I tried to keep my pure carb content at 100g daily, maximum!!! That led me to stick with a very heavy protein and low fiber diet. Naturally that took only a short time till that caused a whole row od side issues i still struggle with now (to a much lesser degree, but still).

This april things hit a dead stop and over a period of 1 month I hit the lows and highs of digestive problems too grtesque, horrifying and panful to publically disclose. It was at times so bad it drove me to a place too dark too describe. But witg perseverance, help from my friends, physicians and even coworkers I made it through that time aswell.

I stll occasionally struggle with issues and have a bad say now and again, often to the detriment of my mental state. But thats also something I am now seeing someone about.

One year later from the startbof everything, I sit in my favorite cafe and reflect. It was an insanely eventful and difficult year. A year defined by willpower, change, endurance, struggle, pain but also by health, new perspective and positivity. All in all, I think its been a rather positive change altogether. I lost more than 60 kg over this year and my hbpa is now 4.8% (really excellent for a diabetic) and even my blood pressure has stabilized by alot.

I thank my friends, family, coworkers, therapists and all physicians who stood by me during this difficult time. I sincerely could not have done it wthout all of you. As I sit here in my cafe, I lift my triple espresso (no milk foam) and have a cup for all of you and hope for a better future and more positive change in the coming times.

So take it from me: always have enough fiber in your diet and use healthy alternatives wherever possible (wholegrain pasta instead of white flour)

[liu-lang]

turns out last monday was not my last therapy session

imagine my surprise when i call the office saying, "i got a text reminder that i have an appt today, memorial day, for my next appt. just wanted to confirm if this is a mistake since i know today is a holiday. my therapist transferred me but i hadn't received a new link to the appt" and the person on the phone said they would have my therapist give me a call

i see a missed call @ 11h45 from "no caller ID" so i called the office back and they said that that was her. the next call, i pick up, the woman on the other end of the phone asks if it's me but she mispronounces my full first name badly instead of just "kris" ... which i let slide bc my name looks foreign from an anglophone perspective. bc she pronounced my name so badly and used that instead of "kris" i thought this was the new therapist but actually it was the therapist i thought i had broken up with ?

so two months of treatment.....and she doesn't know my name. i could alr feel myself wanting to cry bc i thought i never had to talk to this woman again. i took a deep breath and reoriented my thinking, soothed myself and thought "okay, maybe i can use this to clear the air" - i was honest about how every time she tries to remind me "this is the diagnosis you have and it's not going to change, it's going to follow you, this is the right diagnosis" it triggered feelings from my mum who ... upon retrospect ... exhibit signs of Munchausen by proxy with me. she thanked me for sharing this with her which was also maddening bc this was not the first time i have said this, ever since she switched my diagnosis i would remind her, my reactions are informed by this medical trauma from childhood. i asked my therapist why we had to start every session this way bc it made me feel scared, unsafe, unheard and unseen.

she went on some spiel on how assessments and diagnoses are done (you know, assessments don't only happen in mental health, they happen in primary care, in a school setting, so this is totally innocuous and par for the course) - there really wasn't a point in stopping her bc i was alr aware of the obvious so i just said i understood. i was so frustrated and wanted to be genuine with how i felt, i didn't even care if this would give her more fodder to justify the diagnosis or the optics of it, i told her "i concede, i admit defeat, i accept the diagnosis, i'm not resisting anymore. i know the diagnosis stands as is, i'm tired of going in circles, i don't want to stagnate treatment by going over this anymore"

maybe that was not the most mature or kindest or most "mentally well-adjusted" thing to say but i really just felt like a kid again stuck in a doctor's office with my mum telling me "you have to tell the doctor the truth, tell them how it really is like, how bad things are so they can help you"

i told her every session we had, i've felt at a loss and confused about what we're exactly working on and she chalked it up to me being resistant to the diagnosis which is why every session we have to start with these "gentle reminders" of how her diagnosis is correct and also bc i was the one who asked her to do a really thorough assessment so she is just doing her job.

she finally did talk to my psychiatrist and she said they both came to independent findings that i fit this diagnosis...which is contrary to what my psychiatrist told me. my psychiatrist has clarified with me though i made exhibit some traits to differing degrees, 1) the symptoms i have now are a recent development and she understands other social health determinants (like financial difficulties, worrying about the job market) were impacting my mental health 2) i don't exhibit the minimum number of traits to qualify a diagnosis

in my fatigue, i made the mistake of saying 'i understand that multiple mental health professionals are in agreement' and she corrected me by emphasising these were independent findings, not an agreement. again i was too tired to fight so i know her idea is that i think she nefariously convinced my psychiatrist to come to the same conclusion as her.

i asked her, okay if diagnosis comes from observations, like what a patient says in therapy, then if a patient just didn't mention something (either not being ready to share with the provider or literally just not thinking it was worth bringing up bc they didn't perceive it as a problem), doesn't that just as easily change the diagnosis ? the therapist is just not privy to these things and can only make an assessment based on what is apparent to them. she said, she would still know bc she would see that the treatment they were doing wasn't working. so i asked, okay then conversely, if there is a misdiagnosis then the treatment could also not work ? i can't rmbr what her response was to this ... i think she just reiterated her credentials and assured me this is correct and reminded me that i shouldn't harp on the diagnosis so much, the focus is to treat the symptoms and a variety of treatments can be used for symptoms that overlap across diff diagnosis .......which makes even less sense to me since she just said she would know if a treatment wasn't working if the diagnosis was inaccurate in the first place ??

i also had to retell my entire history of when i started seeking therapy as an adult... every time i recount these life details, i can hear her typing... but idk what she is typing bc she never rmbrs anything ? she clarified that i took a break from my previous therapist for a little over a month bc i didn't think i needed individual therapy but no ?????? i told her i definitely did !! continue individual therapist and wanted very much to and saw the necessity in it and the hiatus happened bc of insurance reasons since i sought out couples therapy over the summer of 2022 and insurance dictated i had to do all my therapy under their clinic ... so that's why i had to switch individual therapists, not abandon it all together

at the end she asked if i wanted another session. last monday, i really waffled and wasn't sure but this time i was firm that no i don't want another session, i truly see that this is a bad fit. i am trying my hardest to be as open-minded as possible, i want to get better, i want the things i'm struggling with in my life to not be so difficult, i will take the diagnosis that apparently is going to haunt me forever, i can see myself attempting to work with someone else on this. the transfer will take some time which i think is a good thing... i do think i could benefit from a break of several weeks to maybe a month...however long it will take to line me up with someone new.