#Not even passing to the point ppl think your cis

[fantastic-mr-corvid]

Realised in this post it might have seemed weird to say Muro was miserable being a man even if it was closer to his genderqueer identity than being a woman. But that's bc trying to pass to be accepted by cis people is fucking miserable 👍

Even Cecio, who is a trans man and very happy to be seen as a man and gets a kick out of being seen as a cis man feels shit about his need to pass for his own safety and how it restricts him. He has to act in a certain way, he can't be in community with trans people, he can't date or have sex because if people found out he was trans then everything could come falling down. He's so good at being manipulative and being who people want him to be because he's spent every second since he transitioned trying to be exactly what people want him to be.

Both of them spend so much time acting how people expect men to act in an attempt to keep themselves safer that they have to hide their trans identity, cut off and hide that part of them.

Its why it's important to me that Rametta doesn't hide that shes trans, doesn't hide such an integral part of her identity, and says she will be seen as a woman because she says she is, not by proving it to other people by her actions and 'earning' the right to call herself one.

[thyfleshc0nsumed]

I think I have a weird positionality within gay spaces cuz I am extremely transmasc passing, like ppl have gone months without realizing that I'm not in fact transmasc, and like when I meet transmasc ppl, like especially transmasc dykes, they very much greet me as one of them in ways i definitely dont see them doing to my sisters.

This feels especially true for like transmascs who are very much attached to their lesbianism (which I have no qualms with inherently), because I think a lot of the gender I perform in these spaces is very lesbian, even though I have no particular attachment to lesbianism as any sort of ism. I get invited to these spaces that are treated as definitively 'lesbian,' and despite the variety of lesbian and bisexual cis women, nonbinary people, and transmascs, dolls are usually either entirely absent, or in very small numbers, especially in relation to the number in the area that outwardly should have a place in the space.

I really don't think it's malicious or conscious, and I don't think in most of the instances I have experienced that being perceived as a TS woman would have led to outright hostility, I just think people are so used to excluding TS women like high schoolers excluding the one weird kid in class. It's usually not going to be name calling and harassment, most of the time it's gonna be treating them poorly but with plausible deniability, make them feel like they're talking to a wall, make them feel just unwelcome enough that it's them who makes the choice to walk away. Cuz if it was their choice, well, you don't have to confront the fact that you excluded them.

So then dolls find and make their own spaces. Cuz we need somewhere to be, we need some kind of community. I feel more gay community at a local hardcore show than I feel at lesbian mud wrestling. Cuz even though most of the crowd is gonna be cishet, I'll see way more sisters there than at any lesbian event. And community isn't just "demographic," it's a network of people whose names and faces you know. And it's hard to get to know people when they make your sisters feel unwelcome.

Idk I dont really have a point here, it's mostly just some noticing I've been doing, and it just bums me out. Blah

[transfemme-shelterdog]

Not hate mail! Genuine discussion on "transmasc privilege"

This whole discourse on transmasc privilege reminds me of discourse around bi ppl. Like, if you pass then yeah, you're not gonna face discrimination as a woman. (Like how if you're bi but in a straight passing relationship you're not gonna face direct homophobia). But not every transman/masc can or wants to pass, so at that point we're still at threat of being harmed by the system, and our masculinity is questioned. Not to mention new threats POC trans men face, Healthcare stigma, t being a tracked substance, threats of corrective rape from both sides, misinformation about what t does to your body, etc.

Its also hard talking about this within the queer community & even with my cis guy friend. Everyone thinks we have it easier, & I'm not trying to say that we're the poster child of transphobia. But like, I had to move states bc of transphobic laws. People knew I was trans, being a man in most peoples eye's wasn't going to protect me. I didn't start passing until I was on t for 2 years! I NEVER passed pre t, turns out unless you're a bean pole with naturally masculine features & tall its REALLY HARD to pass.

Source: bi & transmasc guy here

Sorry for the long rant. It feels like a juggling act of being an ally & feminist while also trying to raise awareness of your communities struggles.

It 100% is passing privilege. Even then, you could be the most passing trans guy ever, and if the wrong partner ends up in bed with you, or you get sexually assaulted and the predator finds you've got a vagina instead of a dick (if you haven't had phallo), then all that privilege goes out the window, and I can guarantee, word will get out and then you're fucked. You're outed, people will know, and your privilege is gone.

It's such a simple conclusion to draw, but a lot of people don't think further than "you become a man, people will treat you that way".

[pawberri]

It doesn't seem intentional but Ngl the boyhood/girlhood post is difficult to understand what point you're making. Could you elaborate on what you're trying to say with it?

girlhood = the experience of being a girl

boyhood = the experience of being a boy

I would rather redefine these words to include all experiences of closeted trans girls and boys than say that said groups experienced the opposite gender childhood. Boyhood can include being treated as a girl etc if you Are a boy. Girlhood can include being treated like a boy if you are a girl. Nonbinary children experience a unique childhood regardless of if they are told they are a boy or girl. Tbh I think very few trans people have totally and completely cis passing childhoods anyway, so their unique experiences should be treated as a continuum of their experience with their true gender. This makes more sense to me from a theory perspective and in framing my experience being othered for signs of transness before I knew what being trans even was

I reject the idea that people are the opposite gender as children then "become" trans later in life because it just isnt backed up by anything science wise and implies that transness can be caught like a social contagion or smth. Even if transness was a contagion somehow it would still be valid, but it isn't so there's no point forming theory around that idea. You are born trans and your life is a process of finding out your internal identity. I used to think of my cis self as a separate, equally valid self that represented me moving from one phase of life to another, but its become clear to me with time how unhappy I was and how untrue it was that I was ever a woman in any form. Similarly, I reject ppl saying that they totally definitely actually identified as a woman, it just so happens that when they totally actually were a woman it was an awful nasty identity no one wants and weaponizing it against trans girls who are trying to be positive. (it was happening to isuggestforcefem)

[gaycrashbandicoot]

there is a subreddit (on reddit lol) called r/ftmpassing and trans guys post pictures on it to see if they pass* and people on there are very brutally honest about the pictures. which is like obviously fine bcs there's no point asking ppl if u pass if ur worried about not passing and they don't tell you the truth. HOWEVER I know for certain some ppl who post on there think they pass or are expecting to be validated and then they are upset they are told they aren't passing and told exactly why and it isn't necessarily something they can change.

like passing is such a changable thing depending on the culture you live in and also your body moves differently in real life than in pictures like I've met trans guys who passed in pictures but didn't pass in real life or vice versa like someone seeing the way u move and speak definitely effects how you pass and I know the people in the comments are working with what they have but I think it's a very American centric view of passing first of all like if u pass in America you won't necessarily pass everywhere and vice versa. and also given that they don't have the full information about ur mannerisms and your body in motion they are very brutal with their comments.

like me personally I pass as a cis man 100% of the time even pre T I passed 50 - 60% of the time and I'm not even genetically gifted, I live near an open minded area which helps and also pre t the main ppl who misgendered me were old ladies. and now I know I pass I'm never misgendered or having my gender questioned in public spaces like i used to and I even pass to trans people who often don't believe me when I tell them I'm trans and I've genuinely been asked over and over again if I'm joking or actually trans by trans people I meet and told I pass really well. but I reckon if I put a picture on that subreddit I would be told I don't pass because I don't look how you expect a passing trans man to look also I think I pass more irl than in pictures bcs I have masculine mannerisms which helps.

idk I just understand the point of the sub but I hope the ppl recieving the comments know that it is very subjective and they don't necessarily have to change the things they are told to bcs they might pass! and ppl on reddit are not the arbiter of ur passing capabilities.

*(and I'm actually not criticising this as a concept I know there is discourse about passing in the trans community but I think that "passing isn't everyone's goal of transitioning and it's absolutely fine if trans ppl can't or don't want to pass" and "passing can lead to safety and comfort and is some ppls trans goal so it's okay to want that" are two statements that can coexist)

[our-queer-experience]

This is more advice than a story, but I want to ask a genuine question bc I straight up got banned from a form for asking this: what is the point of declaring yourself trans if you put no effort into looking like the gender you claim to identify with? I’m ftm and I see a lot of ppl on the internet in pigtails and high heels showing off their chests and curves claiming to identity as men and then getting offended when someone thinks they’re a woman because well… they look like one. Obviously there are questions about safety, financial problems, etc. and I don’t want to dunk on anyone for that, but for myself I’ve spent literal years and hundreds if not thousands of dollars on things like binders, tape, and voice lessons and it doesn’t sit right with me that someone who has not put in 1/1000th of that effort can plop in and claim to be exactly the same as me and demand that they’re just a man as I am.

i get this feeling, anon. it’s really difficult to put all your effort into being the perfect trans person and watch other people not have to work the same way you did. it’s a sucky feeling. i felt that way for a while, and i still get frustrated when my hyperfem trans friends act like we have the same experience: same identity, sure, but not the same experience. but neither of us is more trans than the other.

here’s why: first of all, if a cis man can wear heals, makeup, have long hair, do all those things and still be a man, so can any ftm. one of my friends like this sees himself as like being in drag when he wear dresses and makeup and push-up bras.

second of all, being transgender is about your internal identity. i am a man in my head, you are a man in your head, and so is that hyperfem trans man. you and i are taking steps to become more and more male, binding and voice training and i want to go on t/get a double mastectomy and phalloplasty in the future. but even if you and i were to disregard all that, lets say we were forced to wear dresses and makeup and ext. we are still just as much of a trans man as we were before, despite our appearance. being transgender is not the point of passing- what does a woman look like? just a feminine person with tits? why should we enforce gender conformity and passing as a rule rather than celebrating different walks of live?

this also reminds me of a lot of arguments against trans women done by cis women- “i’ve suffered for being a woman! i’ve worked so hard to live like this and through my oppression, what makes this trans woman able to lay claim on that experience?” disregarding that it isn’t any easier for the trans woman and it isn’t any easier for the fem trans man. not only is that fem trans man an enemy of cis society, they can’t find solace with our community.

i get it. i wish, a lot, that it was easier to find trans men with our experience to connect with. but im not going to take that out on feminine trans men.

[yaoi-hate-machine]

transgender vent sesh re: misgendering from family. i would very much appreciate thoughts/solidarity/advice from any non-cis moots

so i have a good relationship w my bio dad, i love him a lot and i try to see him fairly regularly. he’s been very supportive of my transition. but the past several times i’ve seen him, he’s misgendered me, and at first i just brushed it off. but tonight it made me start crying and i feel like it affects me a lot more than i’d like to admit.

i can tell that he just doesn’t think about it. and i know it’s largely bc i’m his kid—both of my other parents are also always misgendering me. but also i feel like this is kind of a shit excuse? like my uncle (his brother) and aunt who i’ve been staying with for the past month have been using my pronouns flawlessly and they’ve also both known me my entire life. And they’re both older than any of my parents, too, so the boomer + memory loss excuses don’t track.

ig i don’t need to determine Why this happens. i’m mainly posting abt this bc it just hit me how much it fucks me up emotionally. and then there’s this part of me that goes “Evan you’re being a baby about this. Him using a word to refer to you doesn’t mean anything abt your gender or presentation. It’s not a big deal, you should just be thankful that you have a supportive parent.” and i am Very thankful. and also it just feels like getting stabbed every time it happens and then the knife gets twisted around for hours afterwards as i think about and process it in the back of my mind.

i think it also just made me emotional tonight bc it made me realize that no amount of medical transition or “passing” will make some people gender you correctly? like i have a deep ass voice and facial hair and i specifically chose more masc glasses frames and i wear a binder every time i see him. and it just doesn’t matter. i could go back on T despite wanting to stop just so that i’d pass better and it still wouldn’t matter. i could get top surgery and it still wouldn’t matter. it’s partially a positive bc it’s like. do whatever tf you want, transition based on Your wants and needs. but it’s also depressing and frustrating bc it’s like What’s the fucking point? even though i get gendered in public as a guy 90% of the time and i’ve been out for like 7 years, All of my parents still misgender me. and they’re all “supportive.” it’s hard not to feel like they are intentionally not seeing me.

other relevant thoughts:

he, like my mom, has cancer and i’m kind of terrified of the thought of him never truly seeing me for who i am before he dies/never having a truly genuine relationship w him

it makes me So fucking frustrated with cis ppl. like i get that it can be difficult to use different pronouns and/or a different name for someone you’ve known forever. it requires Effort. you have to Think about it and actively change the way you think about that person. cis ppl will be like “ough i’m So sorry it’s just so hard!!!” and not have put in an ounce of fucking effort. my brother in christ you have not done any of the hard part, you just don’t like being wrong and called out for misgendering/deadnaming. cis ppl will straight up be like “ok i hear you saying that being misgendered/deadnamed is hard. but have you thought abt how hard it is for Me to be called out for misgendering/deadnaming you?”

[furcoat]

I had the final stage of my phallo on September 19 and have been healing pretty well and loving the new equipment, but suddenly this past three weeks I’ve had horrible regret every day. Literally every day, and it doesn’t go away. It’s getting to the point I’m almost having dysphoria over having a dick. I miss how it used to be and I can’t even figure out why, this is all I wanted for years and years. I admire you and your journey so much, please do you have any tips to help me get to where you’re at? I wanna feel like myself again 😣

can you pinpoint where the regret is coming from? bcz i think that's a good place to start. and if you can't, maybe therapy with someone who is educated or of trans experience could help you get there.

at least for me, all the waiting and wishing (not only for phallo, also my life goals i put on hold to achieve it) can make you pretty obsessive about how good it will be in the after. how it will look this specific way, how that will make you feel, how it will solve your issues w your body or self confidence. and so if that doesn't align with your reality of recovery, then i feel that can lead to depression for a lot of ppl.

i was really scared preop of my body not looking 'cis enough' to heal my dysphoria, or feeling 'unfinished' between stages. i felt a lot of relief when i woke up and i didn't feel that way at all. it's my body and i feel incredibly grateful and peaceful to be inside it. and that is all that matters. fear of my dick not passing as cis was something i was hung up on for a long time early in my transition. because we are told that passing is synonymous with being sexy or worthy or lovable or "being our gender". re:disclosure, passing is safety. being able to let go of "looking cis" or "Real" as my desire for my surgical outcome was the best thing that ever happened to me.

immediately post op the physical relief was there too, like the weight of it is Correct and attached to me and the same temperature as my body and Alive. and i can feel it and the sensations that brought me dysphoria from my natal genitals are gone. maybe you can try reconnecting to the things abt ur body that brought you relief in earlier stages? try to remember the discomfort you had pre op and why you needed surgery to feel ok.

there's also other factors to address: surgery did not fix my eating disorder. it did not fix my obsessive relationship with my body , but it did help. my mental health is better now, but there's still other things i need to work on and change in my life. these things all need to be addressed to truly feel at peace with urself. i think you have to pinpoint where those feelings are coming from and unpack that to really get to the bottom of it

[voidimp]

i think one of the weirdest things for me about being trans is like. u know theres this like. expectation of afab trans people to Look a certain way, at least early on in transition, right. the whole like... "feminine" body shape, no facial hair, little body hair (compared to like, "average" amab ppl anyway). like you know what im talking about. & it always kind of fucked me up bc honestly that was kind of The Goal for me, but it was also a goal that was. never possible. bc i was past that point from the start. i already had a more masculine shape. i already had facial hair. seeing all these guides of like, how to pass better, & none of it applied to me bc everything assumed you were already starting out as a Normal Average Woman™. hoping that maybe, possibly going on e might give me a more feminine shape, even though i already had estrogen in my system. never looking into whether or not it would work because i knew i wouldnt be able to do it anyway. knowing that insurance would never cover any kind of hair removal bc they only consider it gender affirming if youre amab & transfem. and like i know that starting point isnt even universal Anyway. but theres just something that fucks me up about like. almost feeling trans Backwards. not feeling cis even when i was (for lack of a better description). feeling like i had a "head start" that i didnt want. its just... a weird experience. idk.

[just-an-enby-lemon]

I feel really shit rn because I'm super against saying people are using their disorders as a free pass to be an asshole and I don't think this is the case. But at the same time a friend of mine keeps using her RSD (as a result of her ADHD) as an excuse for being shitty to me.

She just expects that I for instance know that certain things trigger her (but only when said in specifics ways and by specific people) based on her facial expressions. Or that I can catch everytime someone is ironic to her even if she pretends they weren't being ironic. So I can stand up and protect her from those people (most that are our friends and she constantly calls friends). And everytime I don't do that she keeps calling me a shitty friend. So I tell her that I can't do it. That because of the way my autism acts I literally can't read facial expressions or that I didn't noticed it was sarcasm or that since she herself keeps talking about how she has small feet and jokes about it I did not think someone making a similar joke would upset her. But she just says "yeah, sure" and that she isn't mad. And than vague posts about her shitty friends that don't protect her. And now even when I notice she is upset and ask what made her upset and how can I help she says "you wouldn't understand anyway" and vague posts about her awfull friends that don't get her.

It doesn't help that she makes ME feel bad everytime I have to talk to her about trans stuff she got wrong (because she is the director of the gender studies league at our college now) to the point I didn't even talked to her about things like me as a transmasc finding it kindda offensive that she as a cis woman proudly said she wanted to portray a transman in our therapy simulation and didn't because it would be an even harder pacient. Nor the fact she constatly commits the same microagression against one of my best friends (and her best friends as well) since said friend said A LOT OF TIMES that while she marjoritarially uses fem pronouns and is afab she is nonbinary (and sometimes has preference for other pronouns) and feels unconfortable when people call her a woman a thing said friend keeps "forgetting" so she can make the call that all the directors of the gender studies group are woman.

Like most of the times we talk about serious stuff I end up apologizing even in conversations that outside of the moment of the conversation I don't think I was wrong. And her arguments are mostly based on her disabilities. Even though besides my sensory issues with loud noises (and not always) and my stims the only other time she aknowledge my autism was to send a passive agressive coment about how she forgot I have "rigid thinking" because of it. (And she also demonizes my friend who has BPD and BPD ppl on general).

And I made all this post to rant and am still feeling bad an like a shitty friend because yeah sure she did all that but she didn't mean to and she has issues and I'm just being petty (I mean I'm angry at silly things like she passive agressivaly comenting to my friends that our project had took more work even tho I did most of it and the rest was done by the other ppl in the group and not her and this is such a silly nitpick) and ableist (she has cronicle issues and is sick a lot so it makes sense she can't always meet deadlines and she has a lot of trauma so ofc she wants us to protect her from being triggered) and maybe if she was the one remembering things she would show all the times I was a shitty friend.

I just feel so tired of failing to help her. And a bit angry over feeling like she has a lot of expectations for me but never reciprocates (specially when she throws the things she does to you in your face if you don't respond to them the way she wants a thing that actually makes sense because yeah it sucks to do a lot for someone and they don't appreaciate it but I didn't ask for any of that).

[lesbiansanemi]

the projection of your internalized transphobia is literally radiating off of you. leave trans men alone holy fuck we can't even speak about our oppression without someone who isn't even a transfem yelling about how we're taking the spotlight or something. while many transfems actually pitch in and are glad that we talk about things that never get talked about in the trans community bc yes it is mostly passing binary white trans women who get the spotlight 99% of the time lmao. like not only are u speaking over trans men ur also speaking over trans women who benefit from these conversations. idek why i'm writing this tbh im just holding onto some small hope that maybe you'll listen but i really hope you just grow out of this separation type mentality abt other trans ppl. no ONE type of trans person should get the 'spotlight' literally everyone's trauma and ways of talking about our oppression deserve attention equally bc erasure is not cool or sexy. im sorry that it seems like u have trauma or something from ppl who happened to be trans men (im guessing transmeds?? but those literally affect trans men too lol) but literally what makes you think that making an over generalization that all trans men are violent misogynists or something is not transphobic??? like ur not owning the evil trans men ur literally just vilely transphobic. like i genuinely hope you realize that someday or something. for the record this isn't supposed to be hate, i just wish you guys would see how terrible you treat trans men, like ur literally pointing out someone's marginalized identity on why u hate them. idk man just... we are supposed to be allies not enemies. please just find it in yourself to see that. if you wouldn't make that overarching statement about other trans people/marginalized groups, then genuinely why is it okay to do to trans men? just think about that. have a good day.

1. You are putting words in my mouth I did not fucking say, and 2. You are ignoring the ones I did

I never said binary trans men couldn’t talk about the issues they face. I never once said that anywhere. I never once said I hated trans men. I never once said being a trans man made someone a “violent” misogynist

What I DID say was that the community of trans men had issues with misogyny (internalized or other) but that any time someone pointed that out, they were accused of being transphobic (exactly what you are doing right fucking now)

Criticizing a community for an issue within it is not “hating” them and it’s certainly not hateful or transphobic. You are the one reacting in such an extreme way to someone criticizing an aspect of your community. If I see misogyny (internal or otherwise) from trans women or genderfluid or non-binary ppl or or or I’m also going to point it out. I’m not “hating you” for your identity. I never said “hate” anywhere. You are blowing a valid criticism of your community way out of proportion to paint me as nothing but transphobic so you don’t have to consider your own biases

A lot of trans men ARE misogynistic (some internalized, some not). A lot of trans men ARE transmisogynistic. A lot of trans men (ESPECIALLY gay trans men) are lesbophobic

I’m saying this as a trans masc person who has tried interacting with your community and people in it a lot, and has dealt with these issues on multiple occasions in multiple ways

You are also proving my point that you don’t see afab nonbinary ppl as “””””really”””” trans in comparison to binary trans men from the way you’re talking to me. MY experiences don’t count, obviously. MY opinions on the trans community don’t matter because I’m not REALLY trans cuz I’m not a binary trans man and therefore basically cis, right? That’s what you’re implying, after all! I’m “talking over” the REAL trans people

As a trans masc person, saying “wow, this community has a lot of unchecked transmisogyny” is not speaking over transfems. Transfems have SAID this and pointed it out and you don’t fucking listen to them either

You’re right. We are supposed to be allies. But if we are to be, you need to accept that other marginalized subgroups within your community are sometimes going to point out that you have your own biases to examine, and when they do, maybe you should actually think about that and consider it rather than scream “YOU SAID SOMETHING NEGATIVE ABOUT ME THEREFORE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A RAGING BIGOT WHO FUCKING HATES ME BECAUSE OF MY IDENTITY” You can’t just accuse everyone of transphobia if they say something you don’t fucking like

And I’m not even gonna touch the “cis passing white trans women get 99% of the spotlight.” Like wow. Not even trying to hide the transmisogyny there bud huh. That is such a generalized blanket statement that is not true in ANY capacity. Also very funny of you to go on and on and on about how “spotlights” don’t and shouldn’t matter when it comes to oppression and then say that. You are just… proving my point. You want a reason to get bitchy about trans women so bad you will literally make them up

Don’t come into my inbox, do exactly what I was saying the community had a problem with, make assumptions about my so called “trauma with trans men”, accuse me of being “vilely transphobic”, and then tell me to have a good day

As I said in my original post, gay trans men be fucking normal about women for once, and don’t accuse everyone of being transphobic when they point out misogyny in your fucking community

[bigpeepee]

(Transguy here) Sorry your tags on that post saying "I would have put cis queer men higher on that list" really bothered me because and i disagree bc the post starts out talking about transmasc people who, from my personal expeirnce, are far more likely to expeirnce exclusion from queer spaces over cisgender queer men. So i think its fine that cis queer men was on the bottom of the list.

I just think when talking about ppl being shitty to men in general, the first thing talked about should be trans ppl and your "will someone please think of the cis queer men!" Tag just really got under my skin as a transguy bc ffs no one ever thinks about us and i was happy to see a post featuring transmasc issues. Like, i finally saw a transguy in a tv show yesterday and i literally cried bc we are super under-represented and an afterthought bc everyone focuses on transwomen & their problems and just for once i wish cisgender men, genderqueer or not, would just kindly let trans ppl take the forefront on the gender conversation.

Anyway, thats it, I think im gettin a little tired of genderqueer women/men mansplaining my gender to me in the IRL.

okay idk where you got all of that from my tag tbh?? you're putting words in my mouth, i didn't say anything that resembles "will someone please think about cis queer men", i just said that "cis men can be queer and therefore belong in queer spaces" is an easy way to debunk "cis men don't belong in queer spaces" because it directly contradicts the sentence itself, and therefore it was strange to me that it was only mentioned near the end of the list, and only in passing since it was just the very first part of that point.

I also never said that it should have been the first point, I just said I personally would have put it higher up. for example, I would put it before the point about people who are attracted to cis men and about excluding cis allies. and it's not even a matter of which point is more important, because they're all valid points, I just think that "don't exclude cis queer men from queer spaces" is easier to understand. but yeah I never even said it had to be before the point about transmasc people.

your struggles as a trans guy are real, trans men are underrepresented and often an afterthought and everything else you said. but you're projecting them on my tag that had nothing to do with what you're saying.

also I don't get if that last paragraph was referred to me or just people in general, because I'm neither a "genderqueer woman/man" nor I'm "mansplaining your gender to you" so idk what that part was about.

anyway, have a good day

[orpheuslament]

hi dante you don't know me at all but i just wanted to say i Really love your gender presentation and it's an inspiration to me tbh. i've been on T for over 2 years and i still don't always """pass""" not because i don't have a good grade in testosterone or w/e (??? like what was that anon implying lol) just because i love to have longer hair and wear makeup and etc. i relate very strongly to the idea of like. i'm trans but not in the sense that i ever wanted to or want to look like a cis man; for me it's more like expressing femininity from a masculine place but that's a whole other discussion lol. but it is super disheartening to like... not be able to present as a man in the way that makes you personally feel euphoric without getting misgendered even by other queer folks. it's shit that it's all "everyone should be able to express gender however they want" but often when a trans person doesn't """look like""" (or """try hard enough""" to """look like""") the gender they want to be seen as it's all well you just look like your agab how do you not "pass" how do you expect anyone to know. like. fucking Ask? Stop Assuming? The Entire Point Of The Conversations We're Having Around Gender? anyway. sorry this is long, i just wanted to let you know you're not alone here and also honestly i think you're handsome as fuck and i'd love to express my gender half as gorgeously as you do someday. i hope people leave you the fuck alone <3

this is such a sweet message & i get you 100%!!!!! its so exhausting having to decide between "passing" & looking how you wanna look cus cis people cannot comprehend the fact that gnc trans ppl exist apparently! like i feel the best + most like myself when im wearing a gay ass outfit & maybe some eyeshadow. i like it! it makes me feel pretty! & i love feeling pretty! im still very much a guy yknow? anyway yeah. thank you so much friend. we see each other

[lttleghost]

you're so right in that reblog for real ,i cannot stand how people are so open to trans headcanons until it's a transfem one :/ i'm not transfem myself, but i did have a really rough time coming to terms with my own womanhood! so taking characters i've liked my whole life and interpreting them as transfem is really nice! plus it helped me learn a lot about trans people besides my own specific type and experiences. but people can be so rude and dismissive about it just because... i dunno, harder to relate or something? it's so annoying!

IT'S INSANE TO ME!!! like it's crazy enough that people will hate a female character that shares the same traits as their male fav but for some reason I was just…. not expecting it to happen when… transing the gender of the SAME EXACT CHARACTER

another thing is you'll even see people call their favs "babygirl" and feminine terms or even sometimes "woman-coded" but nooooo they can't be transfem I guess? they're only "babygirl" as long as you can still say they're men!

I'm not transfem either and I've only got a bit of a connection to womanhood but I also really like connecting to trans people who have different experiences from me (also in direct opposition to the ideas that some idiots have about trans women "enforcing gender stereotypes" or whatever, more of the transfem community was (and still is) welcoming of my being no-med no-op, resembling my agab, and using weird pronouns than other transmascs were at the time when I first was discovering myself)

but also while there's some things I really don't care about textually supported headcanons, there's well written media where transfem headcanons just… make more sense thematically and even just in not interfering with the existing text like- I dunno how ppl expect me to interpret Hunter as transmasc when her whole thing is finding an identity outside of the MAN that she is a clone of, and then with my icon and wife Jesse Pinkman because I cannot stop myself from ranting abt her, I understand that there's a lot of things that can be interpreted as her being stealth transmasc… if you can suspend your disbelief enough that this person that has buried the person she really is from people, including herself, under this harmful façade that he's had to adopt to survive has still somehow figured out enough about himself to have already transitioned to the point of passing as cis in an environment where there's multiple individuals that would be incredibly transphobic and have known him long enough that they would know he's trans, like in a show that has a ton of themes about change and revealing true self….. why are you bending over backwards to say this character has already transitioned or has even realized she's trans? and that's not the end of transmasc Jesse being a weaker reading of her character either

like….. I don't understand the need for people to have their favs be EXACTLY exactly like them, like I understand projection and all of that and I think that's good but I think it'd be good for people to learn how to find common ground in identities that aren't the same as theirs, or even think about the differences someone might experience in an identity that is "mirror" to theirs like a very fem transmasc person like myself isn't gonna have the same experience as a very masc transfem person, and it's important to realize that or you're gonna make a lot of bullshit assumptions, but like if you can't relate to the fact that you're still both outside of what is expected of your gender and being trans then like.... that's pretty messed up

this is a pretty disjointed rant and not at all comprehensive but like..... yeah

[bathypelagicbutch]

the first time i was treated even remotely respectfully in public when i first transitioned was at 3am in a 24 hour pizza place while high out of my mind on shrooms. i was in full drag with a full face and it was the first and only time i was ever gendered correctly and respectfully in a public place while presenting femme. i pass now, and I'm thankful that i do, but the amount of effort I've had to put into making my body as acceptable as possible for people just so i don't get harassed for more reasons than being Black in places i don't belong (super white grad school lmao) is wild. i shouldn't have to make myself look like you want me to fuck you for you to respect me, and it really shouldn't be that hard for queer people to realise that that is literally what most of society, including white queers, forces us to do. there's a weird intersection with Blackness and masculinity for both Black men and women that i feel gets pointed out a lot, but i feel like the hypermasculinisation of Black women unless they present sufficiently slutty is something that only gets talked about at length for cis Black women and queer Black women in general. mainly because whenever the dolls try to bring it up the only response is immediate horniness or complete denial. it's also interesting that when i started presenting more masc i started passing, but since then the amount of horny white people who've been unable to remove the rupaulified fucktoy version of me in their brain for long enough to listen to me when i try to talk about how much it sucks being butch and trans has increased. exponentially. you all have too many issues with Black men to even notice how your racism affects every part of how you view Blackness in general.

speaking of! follow up to that earlier thing i said about not being able to be masc and trans without ppl needing to remind you that they only support you for your ability to fuck them ‐ it's worse when you're Black, and you white queens do it too. and i really don't think you realise you do! because I've talked about this with almost every person I've been with (if I've even been allowed to before being dismissed without a hint of concern) and most of them just admitted to doing this at some point in our relationship. so instead of being philosophical I'll just use a few examples from the past 3 years (because they get worse if you go earlier and also i. do not have to)

you don't get to call me sir in bed because I'm masc and you said you want to treat me like a guy in bed (you're gay please stop confusing Black masculinity for being a man and work on your issues before fucking me) and you especially don't get to use this as leverage against me whenever i discuss how racist the relationship dynamic is despite your incredibly vocal support of my activism. you don't get to use my body or the right to demand that i use your body because you have a fetish for Black men, and you aren't allowed to get upset when i point out that this is the most supportive attitude you've had towards any part of me the entire time we've been together. you don't get to take out your frustration against Black people or Black men by making me fuck you, and again you don't get to get upset when i point out how fucked up that is that you call yourself an ally and then only use that allyship to get dicked down. you don't get to assume that because I'm Black and masc i'm the most aggressive top you've ever come across and you don't get to white woman tears your way out of it by using your own transness as a pass. you aren't allowed to enjoy Black bodies if we're only a commodity to you (which you openly admit) and you similarly don't get to white woman tears your eay out of it by using your confused sexuality as a pass.

i think I've made my point so I'm gonna stop! but yeah can you all be normal about Black people thanks a million blushes sweetly

kinda uncomfortable how ppl cant celebrate black trans women unless they are superduperhyperfeminine with 19 layers of makeup + expensive surgeries/weaves/dresses and looking like theyre going to walk the red carpet every day

[chaddicus]

tag vent I decided to not include in last RB for the sake of people's notes

#kinda getting tired of ppl telling me I'm 'allowed to enjoy' feminine stuff too when I talk about leaning masc #yeah hi being nonbinary doesn't mean I can't know what I like and stick to that #tbh 'youre allowed' is starting to feel a little like 'well why don't you' like #ugh #I don't HAVE to strive for androgyny I don't HAVE to embody both masculine and feminine #motherfucker I can be nonbinary and masc stop telling me I'm '''allowed''' to like feminine stuff too #lmao #&& the thing is I'm not even that hard-leaning masc!!!! I'm kinda alty so I wear makeup sometimes and jewelry and shit!!! #I just don't particularly like to wear skirts or pastels or women's clothes!! but people act like I'm somehow!! fucking repressed or somesh #jesus I'm not 'repressing' femininity to ''''pass'''' as masc or whatever bullshit you THINK you know about me #and tbh this is predominantly coming from other trans and even nonbinary people actually #cis people tend to make assumptions abt what they see but it's other t folks who act like they know what's going on in my head abt it #your nonbinary and my nonbinary are not the same and I'm not like denying myself androgyny here I just don't want it that much #I self ID'd as transmasc for a while to try to get the point across but tbh it's not vibing so much anymore #I'm just. tired. I know. I know the color pink has no intrinsic gender. I know wearing a skirt wouldn't ~invalidate~ my gender. #but the more people insist on reiterating that any time I say they give me bad gender feelings #the more it feels like they are still trying to push me into specific gender presentation bc of my ID. just not the way they think they are