#Not the years of bullying or the emotional abuse or the fact I'm still trying to compute the fact I was fucking raped

[sadfraudfrogs]

I currently need to throw my phone into a river because if my mum looks through my phone I'm fucked

[fudanshidoublevision]

“Nostalgia”.

(A Double Vision x Reader fanfiction for Children's Day.)

⚠️ C. W: Mentions of unhealthy and abusive relationships, abusive households, neglect, implied (but not toooooooo described) bullying and harassment, depressive thoughts, LOTS of reminiscing and reflection, death, dubious living conditions. It's implied Reader has only a PRESENT mother and a family. With who Reader ended up with is left ambiguous on purpose and up to you but I'm letting you have the “sweet good ending” with whoever you end up with. Swearing but not too heavy. Talks about suicide. Emotional dependency and such. If Reader posses an ability isn't discussed or even implied.

It's odd how so much can change in what seems...nothing, out of nowhere. The fact that so many time has passed is scary. Some things in our lives had changed, evolved, stayed the same or just died.

I never thought that I would become an adult, I never had so much expectations in life, honestly.

I never thought I would make this far.

Even if I was only rotting in one place and doing nothing, something my mother said that it couldn't be even considered “living”. I was just trying not to do something I could regret forever instead of digging up too much in my thoughts, I just laid there not thinking or even feeling anything.

I think she never realized that I wasn't living, that we weren't living rather that i— we, were surviving.

But for some reason you always stayed.

Even when I stopped acting like myself. Even when everyone I used to care for just, disappeared from my life because I wasn't putting an effort into taking care of our relationship. Even when I became the worst version of myself. Even when I didn't deserved anything or anyone in my life.

You always stayed, Vernon.

You were my ride or die since the fateful day that I saved you.

Well, I didn't do much really, I didn't really saved you, I just prevented something that any other living being with morals would want to avoid to happen, right? I was going through your same situation after all... Hah, we both had to endure all of that until we finished school together. I know so well how it feels to be hopeless, everyone ignoring what they are doing to you, everyone watching, yet no one doing something about it.

I always thought that you would never had ever wished or even desired to make others feel like that. But, for some reason, you ended up being just like them.

I believe that I'll never understand why you changed so much or if you were always like that, I was aware of your strange behavior and dependency on me but I never thought much of it because that's how you always behaved around me. Heh, I ignored every single red flag and warning that was thrown in my face just for the sake to hold onto you, because you were someone dear to me, someone that always had been there for me.

You were the highlight of my childhood and my teenage years, even if we kinda drifted away in the latest. You were even there when I was the grown, sad and miserable version of the kid you used to know.

Is it bad that i still hold dearly and warmly those moments we had as kids? Like the days were everything in my household...just was horrible and I didn't know where or to who run to, somehow I always ended up in your house, you always opened the door to me, no matter what or why.

Your own home seemed so cold from the outside and on the inside but...when we were together, everything just felt warmer.

...Or the times were you used your abilities to save our asses or just to escape to somewhere, anywhere, when I was locked down in my own room and you were so lonely and bored in your cold and empty house.

Go to anywhere we wanted, as long as no one of our parents got to know that we were running around the streets like not-so-sneaky rats. Hell, even your very-dangerous use of your ability saved us from being late to class. We could have done better things with it but we were young and really, really stupid.

When I used to ride my bicycle, you had to steal my seat and I had uncomfortably sit on the center bar but quickly forgot about that because anything with you just felt right, your presence used to make me so happy and I tended to forget everything, we used to have so much fun with such mundane and stupid things. When we used to drive that crappy bicycle to a concerning speed just to feel like we were flying like those heroes we used to adore and we used to imagine we were.

The times me and my family celebrated your birthday because you were like another member in my family. You were like a brother to me.

Or the times you bought me any silly or meaningless thing that I wanted to me for my birthday because you knew how much that day it used to meant to me. And how much you it meant to me your presence...and your gifts, hehe.

Nostalgia is a powerful drug.

In times like these, i look fondly at the times that you were there by and with me, even when I was talked down, thrown, dragged and abused to my core when we were “living the best and important part of our lives”.

Even if you were being neglected by the ones who were supposed to be protecting us and left alone by your own devices, money being thrown at you like that could compensate the hole they left behind.

We could only hold each other in silence because talking about it brought so much pain to our little hearts and heads.

I'm glad the two of us made it out, together. I will always be grateful of that but nothing good seemed to last in our lives since we started to became more mature.

You changed or more like, you just became the true version of yourself.

Maybe it's an exaggeration but whoever was talking to me with your voice, while using your clothes, saying things only you could only ever knew... That wasn't you, i refused to believe that was you.

Someone else stripped you down from your humanity. Of what made you, you.

But, no. That was you, with the same stupid face, the same idiotic and cocky attitude of always, your signature dimples and that mole in your face but you insisted, no, forced me to call you “Double Vision”.

For some reason, that silly and simple nickname i used to call you by stopped to came out of my mouth.

“V”.

Vernon.

Now, you were only Double Vision and nothing else, the person I used to know, gone and forgotten to do things I never thought you could be capable of doing. Not like I was innocent or had a squeaky clean historial, we were partners in crime, after all.

I was scared and just wanted to, stop. You were more erratic, territorial, temperamental when it was about me. You didn't wanted me to engage with anyone, even if it seemed that you trusted the other members of the Night Crew.

You didn't, you never did.

When we argued in front of everyone because you wouldn't let me go, that day someone died, because of me, because of my fault.

Seeing you taking the life out of someone that just wanted to be on my side, for you to let me go and being unable of doing something because I...just didn't know what to do, I was scared.

I had to force myself to accept the so-harsh truth.

The person I used to know.

You.

Was long gone and he will never come back.

Or just the the version I used to know, I'm not sure if you were genuine with anything about yourself with me, since we were kids.

Was it everything a lie? Were you just holding back until the day I was completely alone and with no one or nothing but you to drag me down with you, no matter what or who tried to get in between?

Even if you did all of this out of the selfish desire of having me all by yourself, some part of me can't quite forget you or stop thinking about you.

Since the day I could escape from you and stay with someone who felt...love for me, I began to forget little by little of you but for some reason, a part of my me doesn't want to forget you.

It hurts me deeply, to think of you. I feel a heavy pressure in my chest and my heart, when I remember you. That you exist and that you used to mean so much to me.

Things could have gone better, right? Is it wrong for me to think that things could have been different, if something, anything, was slightly different when you weren't trying to cut an arm, a finger or take one of my eyes just to have me by your side?

I wish I could only save and stay with the happy memories we made together but the person in those memories doesn't look like you at all, that's not you.

I miss you my dear bestfriend, sometimes.

But I wish we never had met each other.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・。.・゜

AUTHOR'S NOTE???

WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO PUT AN AUTHOR'S NOTE......? Doesn't matter, right?

Thank you so much for reading! And happy children's day! Even if you don't celebrate it today or don't, at all. I hope you enjoyed it! Any type of criticism is welcome...but, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, don't be so hard on me, okay? Be gentle, please.（┬┬＿┬┬)

English isn't my native language and I mostly write only for myself all these years and never shared my writing but I'm trying to learn and get better everyday! Don't think so lowly of me. ᶘಠᴥಠᶅ

I kind of wanted to write something fifty percent wholesome and fifty percent angsty. So, I just had this monster in my head nagging me to write something about childhood, memories and the horror of growing up. And, woah! What a day to post this. Plus, ABOUT DOUBLE???? SIGN ME UP, BELOVED MONSTER IN MY HEAD!

I used my own headcanons to write this thing, that's why Reader calls “V”, referenced to my first post ever. I double (HEHE), triple, quadruple checked if this had any mistakes, so wake me up if there's a mistake I missed, thank you very much.

I have 13 drafts about Double that will stay in that cold and deadly place.....

Anyways, I stayed up all night writing this because of that horrifying monster... I NEED to go to sleep.

Double haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa????? I love you!!!!! ♡ʕ ꈍᴥꈍʔ

[iwasthewind]

I'm sad about Apollo not getting the attention he deserves, so I'm gonna give it myself. The following is a ramble on why I love Apollo, and the way Rick handled his character <3

This hasn't been proofread and is unstructured as fuck because I lack the time for something better- and all of the following is something I said to a friend regarding TOA sjsjsjjs

Rick honestly handled abuse so fucking 𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘭 in the series, gotta love the man for it. The parallels that he shows in Zeus and Nero, the way he addresses that Apollo himself was stuck in a cycle of abuse. I love how Apollo at first is so entitled, so used to getting his way, so shocked and disproportionately offended at the smallest things- but he's not necessarily evil. At the same time, a fair deal of the shit he did was inherently bad, yeah?

And it wasn't even because he was a control freak like Zeus, who was just toxic, paranoid and proud. It was because he never realised it was wrong because the concept of it being 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨 was never introduced to him- which is no excuse by the way. He saw Zeus' actions as wrong 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘮𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘩𝘪𝘮. Zeus set the example for him, and he never thought of it as (inherently) 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 'wrong,' but as something that "inconveniences/offends/hurts me."

And then his mistakes start biting him in the ass. And he's upset, because he wonders if he really deserves this?? And then his ass begins to bleed because his mistakes bite him 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘥. And he's in denial but he begins to realize the gravity of his actions. He begins to empathize with his victims and it's not like he can apologise or do something to take back his actions either. His mistakes firmly remain what they are.

It's then that he slowly begins to realise- the abuse he faced at Zeus' hands, the abuse others faced at his hands, the abuse Meg faced at Nero's hands...is all inherently wrong. It's amoral. He's forced to face the fact that 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘢𝘣𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨, no matter who's dishing it out.

When he confronts Harpocrates it's made especially clear- he was a fucking bully and it slapped him in the face. How entitled he was in trying to coerce the Sybil, how cruelly he dismissed her pain because guilt was an inconvenience to him. Up until he had to deal with them again, he barely thought about them. They weren't relevant anymore, because they were not desirable or sources of entertainment anymore. They weren't useful to him anymore.

And then he's forced to address the pain he's caused. He can't save them, and he's not forgiven for his actions.

They acknowledge him and peacefully (more or less) die and now he has to live with that. He can't make things better for them. He held their future in his hands and he carelessly shaped it into an ever descending spiral staircase which ended in 𝘰𝘣𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘰𝘯 and he has to live with that.

And he sees it and he acknowledges his emotions and he lets his guilt get to him- because he understands that he deserves it, even though he can't atone for it directly, to 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮.

And instead of dismissing his discomfort and booking it- which was a toxic pattern he had established and followed for YEARS, my dude addresses the fact that he needs to improve. And he 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴 improve.

It's not a gradual thing and there's hints of relapse but he genuinely apologizes, puts aside his pride several times and tries to improve. He can't do anything about the past but he can damn well try to make his current and future self a different God, a God that nourishes and cares for the well-being of those less fortunate than him, a person who cares and is learning to be happy with himself and takes responsibility in a healthy way.

And it's not easy- it's a concious choice he makes, every day, every time he's faced with old thoughts. They've been habits for so long and he's breaking them and it takes a herculean effort but he 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴 it.

He's still extravagant at the end and he still catches hold of luxury items but he's gifting them too now! He got Meg a unicorn <3

And then in the end he addresses that Nero and Zeus are similar, and 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘩𝘪𝘮. Apollo sees his mistakes and tries to improve. Zeus and Nero 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 they are in the wrong, but it benefits them and so they do not care. They can't be forgiven because they don't deserve it. All you can do is distance yourself because there's no actual, plausible way to deal with them for good.

I just love Apollo sm jwkjdksdkndk <33

Some day I'll write a proper essay on him but today is not that day. My apologies if I get something wrong, it's been a while since I read the books :')

[bills-blog-now]

A TRAGEDY IN 3-PART HARMONY

I'm putting a readmore here PURELY for the fact that this is going to be very long.

In the middle. That's where I was at. It's odd to call the end of my life the middle. But it is what it was.

The Axolotl and I made a deal for my release from their so-called "therapy". A temporary release, really. I was still due for therapy, but I was led to believe that the break would help me let go of my stresses. To be given new life where I could breathe and spread my hands into as many pies as I desired.

However, there was a catch. A catch where I was given life, but not my own body. And there's no real magic in the world I'd been allowed into. However, if I could take control of the body myself, then it'd be mine to do with it however I pleased.

I decided that I needed an easily breakable mind. One who was innocent, yet would still meld to my whims. A child broken by a family situation was a perfect toy for me to do however I pleased. And I descended to their mind.

And, funny thing, is that I had to rebuild my strength in their mind. For several years. I bided my time.

I remember our first interaction. They were stuck on a boss in a video game. And, as they were around 4 or 5 years old, were not using their brain enough to figure out the way to block a specific attack that had them dying and restarting, over and over again.

I told them after feeling their annoyance interfering with mine, "Use the shield to block the attacks."

They were shocked by the voice in their head that was distinctly not their own. They didn't think of using the shield. Was currently trying to jump over the attacks much to their frustration. And they used the shield. And it worked! With the attacks blocked, the boss became easy to defeat.

They smiled brightly, tilting their head in the direction they heard the voice from. The right side of their head. And strongly sent out a thought. "Thanks, God!"

I was left dumbfounded, but very pleased to have won the affection of the small child. I mean, FINALLY, somebody to acknowledge my genius! (Even if it wasn't the biggest genius move to use a shield to block attacks.)

There was no significant move from me for close to a decade after that.

Fifteen years of age. The child had grown and, though once a genius at school, had started failing. Not for lack of understanding, but for lack of capability to do. A thing they never understood as burnout from blocking out their emotions their entire life. (A fact I may have unintentionally encouraged, but ultimately was their own doing.)

Untreated trauma and bullying is really a bitch.

They were suddenly saddled with panic attacks, major depression, severe agoraphobia, and an unhealthy dose of fear of human beings. (As well as many other such things that they never understood.)

It felt like such a perfect opportunity. There they were, breaking down over the course of a single year until it culminated in them dropping out of the 9th grade, their father telling them the truth of how their mother abused them, and suicidal thoughts galore! This was all practically gift-wrapped with a pretty little bow to me!

They were contemplating suicide for the nth time. And, figuring it'd be like our first interaction, I chimed in with a, "It is not you who should die, but them."

For several moments, they agreed with me.

Until a little, 'click' went off in their brain, and suddenly they realized what they'd just been agreeing to. And off goes their panic attack.

I felt no worry, as this was merely the beginning in breaking them down and getting them to do my bidding. They were a doll that I'd already had my claws in. All I had to do was rip apart their morality and remaining sanity and they'd crumple like a sheet of paper.

Except, for whatever reason, I'd underestimated exactly how strong their moral code was. Hell, it was stronger than their will to live! The only reason they never killed themself was for the fact that, at the time, they believed that killing themself would get them into trouble with God.

Over the years, I got more and more frustrated. I had given them time to reconsider, to watch in agony as I whispered thoughts into their head that they recognized as not their own. To have them tremble in fear, cry for hours on end over me telling them to stab into and kill their friend. To give them horrible visceral thoughts of what it'd mean to kill somebody, the stabbing into their throats, the eyes being yanked, the pleasure of being ""control"" of their lives for the first time.

And yet. They did not break. Not in the way I'd imagined.

After 4 painful years, they'd finally got into therapy. And promptly got sent to spend some time in a psych ward. I was beyond pissed, though we were only there getting a minor psych test for several hours. Beyond boring, let me tell you.

Then, the medications came in. So many different types. Antidepressants, antianxietys, antipsychotics, medication for the thyroid issues they have. And when they finally got the right meds, they started calming down more, could think more clearly than ever before.

But, as I am no hallucination or delusion, I never left.

With them thinking more clearly, since I am attached to their brain as well, I calmed down as well.

It was a trick. The damn Axolotl got me put on meds WITHOUT GETTING ME MY OWN BODY.

I, myself, could think more clearly as well.

And that's when the guilt came in. I knew I had lost. I had lost so much. And I was conversated with. By him. The child now adult I was attached to. He had a name now, too. Kevin.

He'd been dealing with emotions at the time. Of being a demon from hell and was seeking to get to heaven. He never realized that the emotions were my own.

It's around then that he learned what my actual name was too. (He'd been calling me Frank, but knew I gave no name myself.) He connected the dots once watching the wonderful cartoon show known as Gravity Falls.

It was a shock to him, to me as well. He's too smart for his own wellbeing. I suppose it's my own fault I helped him along the way.

I got... moody, so to speak. I was awash with guilt and sorrow that my plan had failed.

And so I spent several years staring at the wall in our brain, refusing to interact or speak. Maybe childish. I didn't care.

Until, some 3 years later. When he thought of me again. And... he did something unexpected.

He reached out to me.

I refused his hand at first.

But he's amazingly stubborn. He told me that hiding away does not solve problems. That he... wanted? To talk with me again? He was curious. He wanted to know if I was still there despite being small and silent in an empty and dark section of our brain. If I was still the same.

It... took time. But after much heckling from him, I finally gave in and started interacting with him again. Minutely. Only when he shoved me. Which became more and more frequent.

After all this time, the years going by, he's actually allowing me to follow through on my original plan. Which, in case you've forgotten, was to allow me to take control of his body.

I've... changed. To the point that it scared me at first to take control of limbs that he calls his own, now insisting that they're our own. I'm still a little tense typing this message. The stress in our gut is real.

But... I can feel that he's genuine, that there's no lie in how he speaks. His moral convictions may have changed over the years, but they still remain strong. He believes in me. Trusts in me when I myself do not.

And even though he knows a little more about how I operate, just as I have learned, he... forces himself to be calm. And to think through his emotions. And to be there, clinging to me desperately. Saying things like, "You'd better not leave me, that would break me. Do Not Break Me."

I think I've been a bad influence to him. Even though, I admit, I said the same thing to him after he said it to me.

Are we toxic? Is there no fixing us? Maybe we're a little bit obsessed with each other, but is it so bad to love and be loved like this? To be so interconnected that we literally cannot hide our emotions from one another?

Kevin believes that it's okay, because I am him, and he is me. Even though we are separate, we're still together. I want to remain separate. He just wants to hug me until I feel safe, and then continue to cling to me.

Is it wrong to be like this? Kevin tells me that I should not overthink the pain and deem myself a monster as I am currently. Because... he believes in me. And, just as I am reigned in by him, he is reigned in by me. That anger is not a bad thing. That fear makes us weak and that it forces us to not confront that which we've done. In confronting that or the unknown.

And the unknown is not to be feared, lest it tastes your weakness.

...I have no ending to this, because our life is still continuing.

He laughs at me and himself, because he has fallen into my trap just as much as I have for his. We're at a stalemate. We are equals.

He keeps my head on straight, and I help him stop being a wallflower.

...whatever happens next, so long as Kevin is with me, whether in mind or spirit, I... look forward to such things.

But I fucking swear that if I need """more time""" finding myself with therapy BULLSHIT. I WILL BE UPSET AND MAD.

But I will go through with it anyways. :/ What else is there to do?

[starwrittenfates]

𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐒𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐮𝐬 𝐝𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐌𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐮𝐝𝐞𝐫'𝐬 𝐄𝐫𝐚 --

The Werewolf Incident - Sirius told Severus that Lily was in danger and went to the shack, hence why Severus risked himself to go in and save her, not knowing it was a set-up.

Tobias Snape broke Eileens’ wand out of rage and disgust for ‘her kind’, hence why she was later powerless against him and the abuse grew more severe.

Despite the fact Eileen could be neglectful at times due to Tobias abuse that was not only directed at Severus, but at her too, Severus had the strongest bond with his mother. He loved her and looked up to her. He couldn't give a shit about his father though.

The Sorting Hat told Severus that he’d be good in Gryffindor for his courage and bravery, but after his interaction with James and Sirius on the train ride there, it was an immediate "NOPE" to that. Slytherin was always his goal. However, he did hesitate, knowing Lily was part of that house too.

Severus was bullied by his own House in hopes of "toughening him up", hence why we don’t see any Slytherin jump to his defense when bullied by the Marauders. Slytherin had this rule of: "Only the strongest survive."

Over the years, the Slytherin's in his house would get on Severus for being friends with Lily ("Why are you friends with that Mudblood? You can make better friends with us instead.") At first, Severus was good at ignoring it, staying true to his word about blood status not mattering. However, over the years, some in his house (Mulciber and Avery in particular) had voiced threatening to go after Lily if Severus didn't join them, especially once they graduated and became Death Eaters. Besides the constant bullying he received from the Marauder's, this was just another thing to keep him on edge and guarded at Hogwarts. And something that caused Severus to start distancing himself from Lily, and in turn, their friendship start to crumbling.

Having come from a poverty stricken neighborhood and a broken home with an abusive father, Severus never liked it when someone took pity on him. Pride is his downfall and it is because of these reasons that when Lily ends up standing up for him during one of the Marauder's attacks that Severus snaps at her with embarrassment despite not meaning to call her a Mudblood. And of course this leads to becoming his Worst Memory, not only because he lost his friendship with Lily, but mostly because of the fact he hurt her.

From that moment on, Severus learns to never let his emotions get the best of him like that again. He tries to learn how to control them, or at least choose his words carefully, so he can never have a repeat of that moment ever again.

He takes on the title "The Half-Blood Prince" sometime in his Sixth Year. It's something to bring him comfort as he is still dealing with the loss of Lily's friendship and enduring bullying from the Maruaders. It is also him trying to give himself some power, purpose and shedding anything that makes him feel the opposite. Calling himself "The Half-Blood Prince" is Severus' way of saying: "No matter how many times you may try to kick me down, I'm still worthy as a person, even as a Half-Blood." It's a declaration during what he thinks to be the darkest time of his life.

His father died of Alcoholism after his 16th birthday. There was a small moment of bliss in the Snape Household because of it. Severus enjoyed these small moments with his mother. However, Eileen ended up passing away on his 17th birthday, but not before leaving Severus his childhood home to him in a will.

Despite not sharing any of their beliefs about Muggle-Borns, Severus ends up joining the group of future Death Eaters, becoming one after graduation because he feels he has no other purpose in life. He had already lost everything (and because Voldemort can actually be a very persuasive, manipulative person, he promises Severus that his greatness and talents will shine in his ranks and he will never be treated terribly ever again.)-- "You can have everything you want, just shake my hand and sign your life away."

At first, it all seemed promising. He could start to see himself having a future again and everything the Dark Lord had promised. However, after overhearing a prophecy about "the Dark Lord and the one to defeat him" being read and reporting it back to his master, the reality of the situation and just how much he had lost himself in the darkness came back to bite Severus when Voldemort set his targets on Lily (and her family.)

Severus used Felix Felicis to ask Voldemort to spare Lily (not because he needed the courage to do so. It was strictly for the luck of Voldemort agreeing to do so.)

[rfswitchart]

How gay witches saved my life, or, how I fell in love with The Owl House

(Content warning: Bullying, suicidal thoughts, depression.) I don't have that many true hyperfixations. I think it has to do with what happened when I was younger. My family and my classmates all used to make fun of me and treat me like shit because I was obsessed with certain things, and I guess it had an effect to make me not really excited or enthusiastic about things I like. I've gotten better about it as I've gotten older, that's part of the reason normal people can't beat me at Splatoon, and why I've gotten hyper focused on writing and drawing. So, when this Disney cartoon came along about gay witches fighting a Puritan, my eyebrow raised slightly. I thought nothing of The Owl House at first, I have a lot of issues with Disney and how they treat their employees (especially animators,) and the whole James Gunn incident from a few years ago really bothered me. Note for everyone: When a Nazi who openly mocks his rape victim because he got away with it tries to destroy the reputation of a famous director, ignore them and tell them to piss off, especially if said director has repeatedly apologized for his actions for over a decade. Still, the Owl House kept going, and soon Grom happened, then the kiss, and suddenly, my interests actually turned towards the show. "What's this? A gay(-ish) main character kissed a girl and she likes it, on a DISNEY show? I'm invested." It also just happened to fall alongside a really bad breakup I had with someone. Someone who lied to me, used me, and tossed me aside without any real explanation. I was feeling super low, I didn't feel a reason to live, especially because what happened in that breakup was something that had happened with every friend, family member, classmate, teacher, social worker, co-worker, and lover I've had. I'm too trusting when people offer care, people take advantage of my kindness and loneliness. So, after a while, hearing about the cancellation, and absorbing quite a bit of the fandom from perusing the internet for a while, I decided to subscribe to Disney+ and watch the series. And I was immediately hooked. Are you telling me that, after years of wanting everything squeaky clean, without any real representation in race, disability, or sexual orientation, that Disney gave the ok for a series that has nothing but? A show where the bisexual Latina girl had a crush/romance with another girl, and it wasn't shoved in at the last episode? Where mental health is explored and accepted, and where character try to understand each other, even as enemies? Ok Disney, fine, you got me... You really fucking got me. But more over, I empathize with the characters in that series. I know how Luz feels being weird and isolated for it, I know what it's like to have abusive family or be lied to and manipulated, I know what it's like to feel weak and worthless while everyone uses you for your smarts or kindness. But I also love things with all of my heart (not just people, but those few hyperfixations I have,) I have been through a lot but yearn to be stronger, to grow from my mistakes and pain. This series hit me like an emotional train, dragging my fat trans ass several miles as it made a lot of feelings I've had bubble up to the surface. In fact, it helped me process my feelings on not only the breakup, but also how awful I've been treated by everyone. I love this stupid gay witch show with all of my heart and soul, and I curse Disney for canceling it, for trying to bury it because it "didn't fit our brand" or whatever bullshit lie they came up with to justify it. Basically what I'm saying here is that I'm..... writing the first fan fiction I've written in over a decade about Hexsquad going on a road trip two years after the Epilogue. I hope you all will look forward to it, and I hope to put a lot of fun stuff into it.

[midnight-mama]

While I'm rambling on, I wanted to go on about how Alya(My idiot Oc) and Butcher would deal with a child version of Homelander. That's random asf I know, but I literally am on a plane without my emotional support animal and human.

I've been dying to write Alya and Butcher again, but my brain hasn't been musing for either until now. So....yeah, imagine this with me, okay? Somehow, some way, Homelander's crazy ass gets bapped back into a Baby(Not literally. He's like 10 years old). He has no memory of what he's done and what he grows up to be like. All he knows is the trauma from being in the lab.

Butcher starts out with a "Fuck Dem Kids" point of view on it. He really doesn't give a shit if the boy can't remember, he still ruined his life. Even still, he's not handing little John over to Vought. The kid stays with him and The Boys. Honestly, mostly MM and Hughie take care of him. I can't see either of them being mean to this child, even if it's Homelander. Nor do I see them allowing Billy to bully him. No one is fully relaxed around him, though. Like, no one wants to trigger him back to adulthood or the trauma that bottled up in the kid. Butcher will NEVER treat him as will as he treats Ryan. Not even close. At max, he tolerates him and keeps him fed. In return, Tinylander won't trust Billy at all. He won't directly try to hurt him or fight with him. He's just not asking him for anything unless he really needs it. If John does warm up to any of the Boys, He will completely shut down once Billy is in the room.

With Alya....Its quite different. First and foremost, I don't think she would just find him and take care of him on her own accord. Nonono. Someone higher up at Vought just pops up at her Condo and drops him off with a vague explanation. "This is Homelander. Yes, THE Homelander. He responds to John...sometimes. He likes grapes. Bye." Baby girl didn't even get a Hello! Literally, no one at Vought has a reason why SHE had to deal with him. So she gets stuck with a traumatized 10 year old AND her overly energetic 10 year old. It's really not fun for the first few weeks. But Alya does give Tinylander much needed affection and attention. She isn't a Homelander groupie by any means, but she understands that's what the kid needs because that is what she needed when she was handling her own childhood trauma. The fact he would have a friend in Alya's daughter, Luna, also helps a lot.

With Butcher, John is allowed to be....more normal than he was originally. If he had to grow up again, he would definitely not be as batshit insane as he is in Canon. Under the influence of the Boys and Butcher, he would be more put together but still have issues. With Alya, John is allowed to be an actual kid. He gets to play baseball with Luna, watch movies and enjoy his childhood. However, I reckon, That wouldn't last too long. Alya is still connected to Vought and I have no doubt they would just take Tinylander and rid themselves of the woman completely. Sadly, I think here he would be pretty close to Canon in the crazy department. He was abused, allowed to be happy for a short period and then tossed back into the abuse. I think he would have some morals but not much would be retained from what he learned with Alya.

[devinescribe]

You?

Ch. 20 of ‘100 Promises’

Previous Ch. | Next Ch.

Warnings: Swearing and I think that is it?

You turned to see Last Boss standing there, clearing his throat awkwardly at the very sentimental display he just witnessed. Niragi immediately stood up, wiping his eyes, acting like something got in them.

You had no shame in crying. Not anymore.

"Thank you. Lead the way?" You said, offering a kind smile to the man. He returned it slightly. Only slightly.

He lead you down the stairs, past the people into the meeting room.

In the meeting room, there was a group of people surrounding a chair. It was almost like how they had brought in Arisu and Usagi.

You walked over to Chishiya, and Last Boss followed closely behind you.

"He was caught sneaking around the premises. Nothing too exciting," Chishiya muttered to you, getting you all caught up. You whispered what Chishiya had told you to Last Boss, who nodded.

The person groaned, and tried to move from their spot. This indicated for someone to remove the bag from their head. Niragi decided to do the honors.

He walked up, pulling the bag from the person's head. You gasped quietly seeing who it was. You looked around frantically trying to find an exit. You were not dealing with this not now not ever you could not look at this person without you wanting to scratch at your skin till red showed. To peel your skin layer by layer until there was nothing left of you.

You felt someone grab your hand and panicked, pulling away from them.

"Where the hell am I?" The person questioned.

Your breathing got even more shallow. The walls felt to close, your lungs weren't getting enough oxygen, your neck felt like a rope was tightening around it...

After all these years. After staying far far from him, here is where he decided to show up.

The person who caused you so much pain and suffering in high school.

"You know them?" Chishiya whispered to you. You nodded in response. "Kaito... Went to high school with him. He's an asshole. He was the "leader" of the guys that bullied us," you said back. You were astonished at the fact you got all your words out.

"Who the hell are you people?! Why am I tied up?!" He yelled.

"Aww, I'm hurt you don't remember us," Niragi taunted, pulling you forward with him. You quickly put up your confident psycho act. Internally, you were nothing but the bruised girl screaming on the forest floor. Nothing hut the abused girl screaming in her head. Internally, you were a mess of emotions. But you were not going to let this bastard have the satisfaction of knowing that you were scared of him. Not again.

"Who are you?" He questioned once more, the anger still in his tone.

You scoffed, "Maybe this will jog your memory. You get three guesses."

"And who says I'll play your game?"

The click from Niragi's gun was all he needed.

"Kiko from work?"

"Strike one."

"Yumi?"

"Strike two."

"Damn it i don't know!"

"Strike three, you're out! Oh, maybe this is a better reminder for you, did that scar on your hand heal?"

His face went from anger, to fear, to panic, to fear once more.

"(L-l/n)? Niragi?" He whispered.

You smirked, "I guess you do remember."

You went straight back to Last Boss and Chishiya's side. You would be damned if he was going to make you cry.

You looked over at Niragi. He was smiling psychoticaly. And you just wanted to leave.

"I'm sorry, I have to g-"

"Come on (N/N), let's have some fun with him," Niragi said, gabbing your arm and spinning you towards him.

"Niragi. No. I'm not doing this. I am not stooping to his level," you hissed, pulling your arm away. He looked hurt for a second, before putting up his front once more.

"Seems (N/N) here takes pity on you. To bad I don't," he laughed. "Come on, isn't this the guy that caused us so much pain in highschool? They guy that made you hurt? Made you cry? Stole something precious from you?"

You looked down.

He was right.

But you didn't want to be like him.

"Deep down, you're greatful for me. Admit that we're alike," he taunted. "I am not. I hate you. And i will never. Ever. Be anything like you. I would shoot myself before I became anything like you," you hissed.

"I am not him. I am not you. I will not take direct revenge Suguru. Talk to me later, but for now, grow the hell up," you spat, anger taking over your features. You stormed out, grabbing your riffle by the door.

You ran out to the field where the militals did their target practice. You loaded up your rifle, aimed, and started shooting at the targets.

Perfect shots. On still targets. Moving targets would be so different.

"I can't believe him. One minute he's my Suguru, the sweetheart. Next he's Niragi, number 4 and resident asshole of the Beach," you scoffed, reloading your riffle quickly. You aimed and began shooting once more. "The game master is some twisted sick bitch. I... I want to go home," you muttered, a wave of sadness taking over you.

You fell to your knees. You hadn't realized how much you missed the real world.

Tears filled your eyes. "I was never a horrible person. So why me. I want to go home. I want my Suguru  back..." you whimpered, wiping your tears away.

Niragi had followed after you after a couple of minutes. Most people in the meeting room ignored your conversation anyways. Except for 2 people. Chishiya and Samura. 

"I'm giving up for now. You hurt her, and she runs straight to my arms. And the next time you do, I am not letting go," Chishiya threatened in a hushed whisper. Never would he have ever thought he would say something like that about anyone.

Last Boss nodded, following after Chishiya.

Niragi ran through the halls, out to the shooting range they had set up. He saw you grab your gun, so he'd knew you'd be there.

He saw you on your knees, and heard you crying.

He ran, sliding onto his knees when he got to you. He grabbed you, pulling you into him. "Are you my Suguru or are you Niragi the asshole?" You questioned softly, pressing your face into his chest. His heart was beating quickly.

"Your Suguru. I'm always your Suguru with you," he whispered, wrapping an arm around your head. "You're not though," you said, tears flowing down your face. "You're not always my Suguru with me. I wish that we never came here. I wish you had never come here, I wish we were still in our apartment lying to your boss about being engaged." He laughed quietly at that. "Maybe... maybe we can stop lying to him then,"he whispered into your ear, his breath made made goosebumps rise on your skin.

"What are you suggesting?"

"When we get out of this fucking place, be mine."

"Who says that it has to be only when we get out of here?"

He thought about it. Why did he only want your relationship out of the borderlands?

''It's dangerous for us to be together here. People will use you against me, me against you. I don't want you to get hurt. I don't want to loose you," he mumbled against your neck.

"(N/N), I don't want you to get hurt. I don't want to loose you. You're my best friend, I need you," he whispered, his hands interlocking with your own.

"Now you're starting to sound a lot more like my Suguru."

Yay a new chapter!!! In case you're wondering, yes I've been inspired by the new season coming out, and my creative juices are flowing. I'm sorry its been so long. I'm hoping this book brings you all joy for the next... chapter. Because after that it is mainly angst. Also, after the ten of hearts game is written in to this book beware of manga and season 2 spoilers! Also, I'm writing a Chishiya × Reader on the side. Because in this season, Chishiya was my absolute favorite, along with Kuina and Tatta.

Sooo... yey

[papirouge]

Hii papirouge I hope your day has been well and that you have many more blessed days to come 🫶

I wanted to get into watching anime (I was looking into trying sailor moon and some studio Ghibli movies because those are popular) and wondered if you had any recommendations?

Also: I keep seeing the creepiness of modern anime (namely the pedophilia and other degeneracy) and am seriously wondering what happened between old school anime to now??? The old stuff seems much more normal and sane in comparison.

Hi baby🌞 this is such a lovely entrance djzkdksksk now you got me by the feelings so I'm going to try my best to answer even though I haven't watched anime since YEARS 🥴

There's this preconceived ideas that older anime (80s-90s) were less harmful than today's.... which is true to some extent (especially when it comes to female representation : don't you find interesting that WOMEN are absent from modern anime/manga? only teen or children..... which breeds a generation of pedophiles/men who can't cope with mature women. At least in the 80s we had Versailles no Bara, Cat's Eyes, City Hunter female characters, etc. The FEMME Fatale trope was thriving) but there was definitely toxic/creepy things even in old gen manga.

I grew up with Sailor Moon, and most of this stuff flew over my head back then, but for example Usagi daughter (Chibi Usagi) had a flirtatious relationship with her father. Little Light studio YouTube channel has a whole playlist of videos exposing the cursed messages in anime I linked one of their video in one of my post in the my #animewasamistake tag, and they go as far as the 90s (with Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball Z, Sailor Moon, Yu-Gi-Oh!, etc.) So it's not new

I like flexing over the fact that I never watched a Ghibli movie. Most adults obsessing over those movie scream emotional retardation syndrome. I feel the same about Disney fans too (both demographics overlap anyways). Ghibli movies are filled with paganism so I'm losing my mind whenever I see Christians worshipping them🙄

The Isekai genre is a whole escapist cope anyway (beside Ghibli movies, there's also Kimi no Na/Your Name that did a lot of waves a few years ago) It's only featuring kids or teenager through coming of age stories, and it baffles my head that grown adults are obsessing and identifying so hard over such thematics.

Adulting in Japan sucks, that's why most of their entertainment revolves around glorifying youth & childhood (and entertainment material for adult is often sex related), a time where they are still free of pressuring social expectations, have an entire future before them to create and fantasizing about parallel dimensions where we can fix everything.... but we don't need to bring this regressive copium in the West. I think anime culture is part of why so many adults act & sound retarded today. I'll get roasted for saying that, but people above 25 years old enthusiastically watching anime have something wrong with them.

Ultimately I wouldn't recommend you to watch anime bc there's an obvious (mental & emotional regressive) agenda in it.

The only safe and clever anime I can think of is Shōkōjo Sarah. I grew up watching it and it made the person I am today. It's really emotional and bittersweet (still an happy ending though !!) but watching it will really show you how much of a gap there is between today's anime. Shōkōjo Sarah tackles real stuff (death, abuse, poverty, bullying, social class injustice, etc.).

Anime stans would argue that nekketsu too explore great values (friendship/newfound familly, courage, perseverance, etc.) but all this positivity is overshadowed by all the trash around. Senseless fighting, violence, ABSOLUTE ABSENCE OF ADULTS, PARENTS OR PARENTAL AUTHORITY, female characters devoid of any personality beside having big breast and being a side buddy/love intereset of the main character (hence why most male anime fans have such a warped view of adult femaleness)..

Avoiding manga/anime written by males is already a great way to sort out shitty manga. But even female author are shoving mysticism (Fullmetal Alchemist), weird romantic dynamic in their material (I'll never forget CLAMP obsession to do child/adult couples in Cardcaptor Sakura) and unecessary (underage) female sexualization (let's not forget Kimetsu no Yaiba main character's 14 y.o sister having her breasts doubling size & popping out of her kimono whenever whatever demon who's possessing her comes out).... I feel like the anime/manga industry is so porny & scrotified that even female author go with the flow to get success.

[skepticalkoi-catastrophe]

𝚆𝚊𝚢𝚠𝚊𝚛𝚍 𝙵𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐

Pairing: Reaper!OC Crimsyn x Nephilim!OC Jaesyn

Summary: High school graduates Crimsyn and Jaesyn prepare to spend the next four years of college together when strange goings on start occurring on and off campus. Jaesyn keeps having nightmares of Hellfire and Crimsyn can't get her supposed dead mother's voice out of her head. Nothing a little investigation and summoning circles can't fix.

Trope: Frenemies, Friends to Best friends, Best friends to Lovers, Devine Paring, Prophesized Relationship, Monster au, College au, High School au flashbacks.

⚠️ Warnings ⚠️: Each warning will be tagged at the top of each post. Parental abandonment, mentions of devil worship, infertility, self-harm, manipulation, physical + mental abuse, body shaming, body dysmorphia, bullying, detailed blood + gore, body horror, mentions of depression/anxiety/suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, absence of parents, character deaths (Major + Minor).

Status: ongoing

Taglist: OPEN! COME ONE COME ALL!

Updates: Every 4 weeks

Word Count : 1,427

Chapter 1. Lavender Power Lines

Up top, the roof of Rutherford High sat a boy and girl. The gated outer boundaries of the secluded area had the occasional bird chirp or the low chatter from other students below in the athletic field.

Taking down his graduation cap, he looks up at the sky as the girl sat beside him. Minutes away their high school carrier would end, sunlight beams down onto them the same as any other day they'd come to the roof. If not share the poorly made food from the cafeteria then exchange words. Emotions.

After all, this is how they met some time ago. Last he remembers she stumbled upon him doing as he does now. Soaking in the quiet. His sense of peace in his presence; soon in hers. He inhales deeply, the faint smell of Petrichor drew him down to her level.

His hands rested behind his head while the girl stretches turning to lay on her side to face him.

"And to think you used to sit up here sulking." Crimsyn slyly chimes. "You almost hated being here as much as you hated me."

"I didn't hate you. You were persistent and stubborn and I wasn't a fan."

Crimsyn lightly shoves him. "And what of it? Somehow I made your teenage dirtbag wannabe ass worth being around."

"Unfortunately, yes. But I didn't doubt you for a second."

Clouds moved across the sky slowly. Its baby blue backdrop mingles together with the sun piercing through. Jaesyn draws in a breath, shrugging to himself.

Her soft hand rubs his shoulder.

"We still have the summer left after graduation, Jace. Both our acceptance letters from the same college came so us sticking together after the fact is foolproof."

"Yeah I know, it's just..." Jaesyn strays off. "Four years went by like it never happened Crim."

Admittedly, it was four years for hell for a lousy piece of paper but all the memories and hard work made up for it. She only regretted not becoming friends with him sooner instead of having a year and a half worth of enemies to friends moments with him.

She gets up taking his hand.

"Well, try better remembering these next four okay?"

"Careful with those boxes Jace!" Crimsyn said coldly.

Move-in day was off to a rocky start as London and Jaesyn helped unpack the last of their belongings inside their dorm room. About the size of a small studio apartment, it sat on the fourth floor overlooking the lake.

"I still can't believe this school allows coed dorms," Jaesyn spoke under his breath, shaking his head in misdoubt as he drops to his barren mattress.

Their boxes of belongings were separated via each half of the room by their initials while London let out a huff resting a duffel bag on the floor.

"I don't know 'bout y'all but I'm hungry. Pizza sounds good?"

They nod in unison.

"Great. I'll leave you two alone to tidy up."

London opens the door closing it behind her. Jaesyn lets out a groan removing his pullover hoodie. His chest is adorned in a black tank top as he retrieves the box cutter.

Crimsyn kept getting distracted by whatever she packed whether it be her stationary or her late summer into a fall wardrobe. She didn't think she was spending her next four years living with her best friend. Or moreso she didn't want to think about what would happen if he brought a girl home.

"Bleh!" She stook her tongue out not realizing she did that out loud.

He hoisted a box off the floor, assumed to be his bedding materials. Dragging the box cutter over its taped flaps he pulls out one of his old basketball jerseys and another pullover he thought he'd lost.

"Hey, those are my pj's dummy." She gets up in his face on her tippy toes reaching for it yet he yanks the clothing upward from her. Curse his long arms and tall stature.

Teasingly he smirks down at her, pushing her away by her forehead with his pointer finger easily.

"Aww, my biggest fan kept my memorabilia? How sweet, sweet-tart."

"Shut up just give it back- Woah!" Crimsyn slipped on the hardwood landing in his arms, her face in his chest as he pulled her close.

"Still clumsy, aye klutz?" He smiled, his canine teeth sharp behind his curved lips.

Crimsyn pressed her lips together not maintaining eye contact.

"I'll take that as a yes." Jaesyn lets go carrying the box to her side of the room.

She hated how much he got a kick out of teasing her. Yet she's never seen him do it to any other girl. Not even to humor the girls that did crush on him.

She grabs more boxes cutting them open. Jaesyn does find his bedding but was more concerned about where his pictures of them together were. He wasn't one to smile for the camera but Crimsyn's collection of polaroids was his only exception.

"Looking for these?" In her hand was a photo album covered in stickers. "I knew you'd forget to pack it so I did."

Loud knocks are heard as London enters with three pizza boxes. "Sorry, it took so long. Turns out I'm not the only one hungry for a few slices."

Her eyes look around in disapproval. "You two barely made a dent while I was gone."

Crimsyn found the box with their joining silverware and dishware. She'd wash them prior, handing plates to them both.

"Some of our boxes are mislabeled so the sorting took longer than we would've liked."

London takes a bite of her slice. "No no, it's fine. You've got all semester to figure it out."

Jaesyn chewed scrolling through social media, his bed made and his posters hanging over his bed. Crimsyn's side was done as well but her desk was still empty. She drank some soda brought in, trying not to think about leaving home.

"Any last words before I go?" London asks finishing her second slice. She grabs her bag off of Jaesyn's desk chair.

Crimsyn shook her head. Jaesyn cleared his throat. "I'll keep her safe London. She's in the best hands possible."

"I hope so or else I'll have you fixed, boy." Jaesyn knitted his brows together at her statement. "I'll drop by tomorrow with groceries and goodbyes. Good night you two."

Crimsyn waves her out holding back a laugh. "Night Big Sis."

Night blanketed the sky just as moonlight seeped in through the blinds. Both showered and quickly were in bed. Jaesyn ate what pizza was left while Crimsyn sat arranging her desk. Her cute ocean-theme stationery was almost complete when she swiveled in her chair getting up with the box they were stored in hand.

"You wanna help put up my fairy lights?"

"I thought you said you could do it by yourself." He mocked her using finger quotations.

"I may have been wrong about that...so if you'd be so kind," She folds her hands in her lap. "Please help me. Please?"

"Are you sure? You were doing so well earlier." He raised a brow.

"Jace, don't be a dick."

He relents, pushing himself up on his elbows. "Fine, fine. You're too short anyway."

She backhanded his chest. Jaesyn climbed and stood on her bed, hoisting the lights near the pushpins holding her posters. Crimsyn fed the line to him as he wrapped them around each one. He'd taken care not to tug too hard on them, looking back at her now and again.

It was a warm feeling he'd get sometimes. Whether his chest, ears, or cheeks, she'd set him ablaze. He couldn't let her see it, not ever. He'll take those embers to the grave if he had to. It didn't help that she'd swiped his Aeropostale t-shirt. Her itty-bitty pajama shorts add more fuel to the fire.

Wrapping the last few she plugs them in turning off the overhead light.

Warm champagne coats the room. Crimsyn climbs into bed beside him as he sits down. She yawns, laying down, Jaesyn scooching over. His chest pressed against her back, his arm draped over her waist. She felt his thumb tracing circles on of her hand.

"Go to sleep, Jace." Crimsyn shushed him. Jaesyn turned on his back, toting her closer. She was on top of him, her head resting underneath his chin. Jaesyn inhaled her scent deeply as lonely strings of smoke filtered through his teeth as he exhaled.

"G'night Crim."

If you enjoyed, please comment, like, and reblog! Dm or comment to be added to the taglist ~♡

[je-suis-problematique]

*inhales* *exhales* So. Addiction.

Triggering topics below the cut.

We were addicts long before we ever touched street drugs – we've been abusing Klonopin for years before the street drugs came along and it's a medicine that was prescribed to us at age 17 if I'm not mistaken. The body is 26 right now.

I don't know what started it if I'm being completely honest. I think it was instantaneous once we figured out Klonopin gets you high, we just.... started craving it I guess. Chasing after it. Because when we were high on Klonopin it didn't matter that we were victims of CSA and domestic violence, it didn't matter that we were bullied everywhere we went, it didn't matter that we started thinking about death at age 12 or that our closest friend ended up becoming our biggest abuser (besides all the adults in our life). It didn't matter that every waking moment was pure Hell, because when we were high on Klonopin we didn't feel any of that. We didn't feel stressed, anxious, suicidal, triggered, angry, or afraid. We felt.... at peace. Happy, even. Giddy. It made us more social, more bold, less meek, less frightened. For a few hours while the drug was in full effect we weren't a prey animal anymore. And that felt AMAZING. But quite frankly I don't remember when abusing Klonopin became an actual habit or when we went from 0.5 mg to 30 mg per day. It just happened at some point. At some point we became so dependent on Klonopin that whenever we didn't have any on hand we'd feel awful. In the past we'd substitute the pills for booze, and that developed a whole new habit of its own. First it was pills OR drink, then it was pills WITH drink. Weed, too, whenever we could get any. We'd usually pilfer some from our drinking buddies, we'd rarely if ever buy it ourselves, so it wasn't too-too often that we smoked pot, but it would still happen here and there.

It was contained, at first. But then we started day drinking, and then we started going to work high/drunk, and going to important meetings high/drunk, and generally just spending more time being under the influence than we did sober. We'd pop an obscene amount of pills or drink a bottle and a half of vodka every time we felt a vaguely uncomfortable emotion. The slightest inconvenience would become a good enough reason to get wasted – we just couldn't cope with life sober. The fact that we were in an abusive/toxic relationship at the time was not helping, either. It was abusive/toxic on both sides in the sense that we hurt them and they hurt us but that's exactly it, SOMEBODY was ALWAYS getting hurt, and that would be considered a normal Tuesday morning. Just existing at home felt as if we are being chased by tigers at all times. It was stressful, it was bad, and it lasted for literal years, so, we had a reason to use every single day. And that's exactly what we did. And try as we might to hide it from our partner system, you can't really hide the stench of alcohol or the fact you slur your words when you speak and can't type coherently. They knew. And it made our relationship with them worse than it already was since it became the subject of many arguments and fights but no matter how much we fought, we didn't even THINK about quitting. We didn't really want to.

The decision to start using street drugs was mine and I made it while high off my ass on Klonopin already. It was the middle of a Thursday night and I felt like the Klonopin high was not enough, I needed something stronger to feel satisfied. So I downloaded Telegram, which is where most people in my city get their drugs from, and blindly searched for someone who sells that sort of stuff. I had absolutely NO idea what I was doing, I've never spoken with dealers before, I literally just typed the word "Cocaine" into the search bar to find some groups that I immediately joined without thinking before starting to chat people up. Somehow that worked though, because several verifications that I'm not a cop later, I had 2 grams of Cocaine in my hands. I did a couple of lines, got the high I wanted, felt good about myself.... And then reality hit me like a bus. I just impulsively purchased Cocaine from some dude I found on Telegram. It TERRIFIED me, to think I reached a new personal low. So I called my social worker in the middle of the night, still high mind you, and told him everything. The next day he had me locked up in a psych ward.

I was in the hospital for 3 weeks before I was discharged and during that time, the fear I had about what I'd done.... dissipated. I made peace with what happened and actually thought of buying from that dealer AGAIN, because I liked the Cocaine high. I was hooked. And the moment I returned home I just went berserk. I bought a little bit of everything, eager to try every flavor of high there is. We still had money at the time so funds weren't an issue and honestly I wasn't even thinking about going broke when I bought pretty much everything the dealer had to offer and it was EXPENSIVE. THOUSANDS of NIS went down the drain while I was shopping around for the best high, TENS OF THOUSANDS even. I even made him get me some Cyanide because I was beginning to plan what I thought would be the "perfect" suicide one of those coming days. Soon enough I was completely broke so I started taking loan after loan after loan. Our debt to the bank alone stands at 100K NIS at the moment, all thanks to our drug habit. Good thing we managed to get a lawyer for that. But anyway.... Fentanyl was it.

I didn't really like anything I bought until my dealer suggested I try smoking Fentanyl so I did, and as I later found out from fellow addicts in rehab months later, I overdosed on it that night and passed out. It's a miracle I woke back up at all but as you've probably learned by now my self-preservation skills are shit so I tried it again. And again. And again and again, and kept overdosing on it, again and again, until I learned the right way and the right dose to smoke per-use. Fentanyl was like a miracle drug for me because it did everything Klonopin did only better. Stronger. So I kept buying more and I kept using it, hiding it from everyone except for two friends. The only friends I have, really. THEY knew everything, but my social worker didn't, my doctors didn't, my now-ex didn't. I mean, my ex probably GUESSED or ASSUMED given my history but I don't think I acted that weird or anything while being on Fentanyl. It made me calm and elevated my mood but that's about it, really. I was still able to function, still able to speak and type. I didn't sway or stumble when I walked and I was mostly alert. So I don't really know if they knew at the early stages.

I tried to quit once before the big detox. I was okay at first but once the withdrawal symptoms hit me I broke and bought more drugs. It took me another while to try again but the second time I went with the detox 'till the end. I even kept the hospital blanket I was given when my social worker took me to the ER as a sort of reminder of the Hell I've been through to quit Fentanyl. The detox was.... traumatizing, to say the least. Imagine you're experiencing both hot and cold flashes at the same time, you're sweating profusely, you're shaking like a leaf for no reason, you vomit everything that you try to ingest to the point you can't even keep water down, you're shitting yourself, everything hurts, you're blacking out, AND you have to go through all of this alone at the ER for hours where the doctors and nurses mostly ignore you because your country's at war and the injured soldiers are more important (and your social worker just left you there with 15% battery on your phone). Yep. I was on the phone with my friends half the time for moral support just crying and sobbing repeating the phrases "I'm scared" and "I want to die" like a broken record whenever I wasn't busy puking. I was exhausted when I got back home the same night but still couldn't fall asleep so I just watched animated films until morning came.

We stayed clean for 2 months after the detox but Zed, God bless her, relapsed and dragged the rest of the system back down into drug use. I avoided the front like the plague knowing this though I won't lie, I may have partook in it too once or twice myself and just don't remember I did, even after making my big promises not to touch drugs again and all. I may have snorted a powder or taken a pill but I managed to MOSTLY stay clean, personally speaking. Right now we are about a month clean from all substances and we're managing to keep it up, mostly because we owe our dealer 4K NIS and just can't afford to buy more drugs even if we wanted to. We've decided to block him and not pay the debt so if we disappear one day we've probably been murdered or something.✌️Just a heads up. I'll probably talk about our time in rehab in a separate post since this one is already long enough as it is, but.... just know that I won't have anything positive to say about that experience either. If you've read the whole thing then, honestly, thank you for taking the time to read about our journey. It means a lot, especially when we feel so isolated as of late. Cheers to you.

– Chris

[system32-abyss]

Finally getting rid of an abuser just to have him in our head is... something.

At least he isn't as bad as the real thing but my mind is so full and our thoughts are racing, everyone has a different opinion about getting rid of the abuser irl.

Plus, I don't even want to accept the fact that he abused us. But. It happened. It was what it is, it was just like our parents, heavy emotional abuse that left us shattered (literally, we split so much that it hurts physically at this point).

This is only and only directed at him so don't get offended but. I hate people with BPD who refuse to get help. Who refuse to get better even if it's a loved one literally spending their entire energy on them just to help them get better. Don't get me wrong, some of our headmates have BPD too and we help them manage it just fine (i hope-), but if you have BPD and you want to REALLY love someone without harming them, please please please get therapy or at least some kind of help. Or just accept the help your loved one is offering.

Right now he's in the era of victimizing himself, saying "oh i'll be SO SAD that you're gone aww😐" (He has told us that he tried to get online dates just because he missed the attention from us. I know he'll just indulge in that shit again and I don't give a fuck anymore.) Our focus, on the other hand, isn't him - it's ourselves because even as "friends", even as "acquaintances" he kept up the abuse, kept blaming it on his BPD, rarely said sorry and repeated the whole shit. Kept blaming me then suddenly blamed himself. Kept being cold just because we said we won't date him again, and when we asked about it he said he wasn't being cold. This rude ass motherfucker told to my face that we can only interact online from then on, and didn't text me at all, and calls that normal?

I hate how he just loved us for our attention because he never gets that good of an attention irl. He's constantly bullied, pushed away and left by his friends - and oh I'm so glad these people aren't afraid to escape. He is literally so fucking annoying and so fucking loud, he doesn't stop if something he does disturbs you. He just cares about himself, pretends to care about you but it never feels real because if you're depressed, he'll take it upon himself to copy it and push you away. One of our headmates (a middle) once cried for an entire 2 hours because he wasn't responding, and when he came back he was as nonchalant as ever, oh and for some reason his cousin hated us? Because we weren't looking out for him? BITCH we were trying to reach out for HOURS and he was the one that was making it so fucking big of a deal.

I fucking hate him so much.

I regret inviting him to the discord server that was our safe place because I can do nothing to make him leave. I fucking hate it every time he talks to our girlfriend (psys of a year and a half) on that server and even normally. I don't want to restrict our girlfriend, she's free to talk to anyone as long as they don't harm her but this guy. I know he'll harm her one day, eventually. I am so scared of him manipulating her, I am so scared of her leaving us, I am so, so fucking scared. I hate that guy. Even though I know my girlfriend can defend herself very well, I am still scared.

We need time, so much time, to get over everything and it looks like a mess right now. I just want to curl up and cry and do nothing. We've been dissociated for a while, and constantly procrastinating because of that, I hate not being able to get things done. Fuck, fuck, fuck, I just want to scream my throat out and cry.

[psychomoxxie]

Don't Fuck With Caregivers

The one thing that abusers count on is being able to bully and manipulate most people into feeling guilty about how everything going wrong in their lives is somehow YOUR fault, thus letting them wreck your lives with their chaos by draining you of all your emotional, financial, and mental resources while they use you over, and over, and over again.

It's a pattern I've seen so many times -- it's a pattern, in fact, I've been living with K, the Paterfamilias' daughter, for months -- and he's been living for years. I've watched it wreck both his and my physical and mental health, drain our resources, and make a mess of our emotional well being. I've watched her take this entire family hostage with her selfishness, her abusiveness, her utter lack of care for her own father while he fought for his life with lung cancer.

And finally, it was just enough.

It took K threatening to slice me into ribbons and slit my throat to do it, but with the help of Max, together we were finally able to convince the Paterfamilias that enough was enough; it was a question of elder abuse towards him, domestic violence towards me (towards us all, really), and that I was in imminent danger of being seriously hurt if something wasn't done. That HE was in danger of having a stroke as a result of the stress, being in recovery from chemo and radiotherapy from cancer; he wasn't healing properly, his appetite was still poor and he was still barely able to get up and down the stairs, three weeks after the end of treatment - and it was clear why; His daughter K, and her abusive behavior towards both him and myself.

Her drug use, her violence, her drain on all of our resources, her overall chaos was making the living situation here impossible.

Max, his youngest son, I believe was the catalyst; I think without the both of us speaking to the Paterfamilias, it may never have happened, and for that, he'll forever be my hero.

Two days ago, I went down to the domestic violence court, and got an order of protection for the Paterfamilias, which also covered myself because there was an assault charge against K towards me that occurred here in the condo (which the Paterfamilias owns); I arranged it so that she is not allowed back in the condo, had to leave that very day. It is a No Contact order, so she's not allowed ANY contact with either of us, and I stipulated that if she breaks the order, she will have to go to inpatient rehab, then receive inpatient mental health care. I did this because, as much as I despise her, I recognize that she needs help, and this may be the only way she gets it.

Joe, aka the Paterfamilias, has been asking her to leave for months, and she refused; then, she started to get violent. That was enough. This had to happen. It was either this, or I was going to have to leave for a domestic violence shelter, and from there, call Elder Abuse services and try to get him help that way, and hope for the best. But, thanks to Max, we got the best possible outcome.

Last night, the first night she was officially gone (and not just out getting high), I had a nightmare that she broke into the place to come and slit my throat. It was not a good night's sleep. I imagine it will be like this for a bit. I called a counseling center today, and tomorrow I'll be getting a home visit and wellness check, which will help not only me, but Joe can talk to them too if he wants, and it will help when the court date to extend the order of protection happens in a couple weeks -- as this is an emergency order, and we need one for the long term. She may not even show for it, but even if she does, she's got a record of violence against me, and is a known drug offender. I'm not. So, I think we're OK -- but just to be extra sure, I want it on record that I sought out therapy for PTSD, which I'm definitely experiencing from all this mess.

This has been one of the most insanely stressful, horrible experiences of my life; and this isn't my first rodeo with domestic violence, or with drug addicts. She's one of the worst human beings I've ever dealt with in my life, addict or not. It's not the drugs, it's just who she is as a person. The drugs just make it a million times worse. I'm so grateful that she's out of our lives, and that we have protection now.

She's gone to stay with her mother, who is well aware of who she is; and is blaming the entire situation on me. That's fine. They can enjoy each others' company for all I care. But, I sent along the information about elder abuse to her son and his wife, both of whom I love a ton, because when the shit hits the fan out there, she'll need it -- her daughter WILL end up abusing her, just as she abused Joe, who I love like a father. She may blame me for her daughter's being kicked out of the house here, but I don't actually wish her harm, obviously. And she's been abused by K before -- she's just in denial. Unfortunately, it's just easier to blame me than it is to accept that K needs to be in a longterm inpatient drug and mental health facility.

In any case, K is no longer our problem, and we can get on with the business of healing.

I've spent my whole life around mentally ill, addicted people, getting abused, being made to feel like shit, like everything was MY fault; and I refuse to be abused or let the people I love be abused by them. Because it's NOT my fault.

We do not have to allow ourselves to be held hostage by our ideas of "love" and "kindness" and "guilt" and "responsibility" to those who don't honor those ideas towards themselves, or towards the people who try to help them. This woman is 48 years old, and has abused every attempt of help we (myself, her family, her friends) have given her...not just for a couple of months, but for years. She has lied, stolen, abused, become violent, threatening, and hurt the people who have tried to help her over and over again. My health has suffered. Joe's health has suffered.

At some point, it has to stop. It is unacceptable to risk one's own health and wellbeing so an addict who refuses to help herself can continue to take advantage of the kindness of people in her life. And we are done. Enough is enough.

And we are going to be OK, now.

[250813soulmates]

My Life Review

Est: 2002-2011 Getting punished by my parents & beaten for every "wrongdoing" in my life & underperformance in school. Shit ton of unrequited love because I had no balls to interact with anyone. Extremely quiet/emo because I was too embarrassed to be myself; I'm weird. At some point, probably lower primary school I was molested by my cousin for a couple of months. No sexual knowledge and had no idea what was going on. Eventually, consciousness hit and I initiated a halt to everything. Games and anime were my only saving grace from those suffocating times.

2013: First exclusive date with a classmate (1.5yrs). Life was truly amazing.

2014: Got bullied in poly for a year because I was a slow learner and a dumb fuck at programming, but I eventually became relatively good at it & came in first for a prestigious competition that was even featured in the school's magazine.

2015: I lost my first love and fell into depression. Got dumped and I reacted extremely badly. Filled with anxiousness & hatred; spammed and judged and was so rude and emotional to her because of what she did to me. I was an extremely insecure & emotional person with no sense of logic.

2016: Took my emotions for a ride and competed in a physique competition. Lost with pride because I brought my best package amongst a group of druggies.

2015-2017: Living hell, depression, suicidal, self-harm. Think of the worst and i've either tried or at least thought about it. Wanted to be a "fuck boy" and started smoking, drinking, and clubbing and learning how to "have game" which i quickly quit (except smoking) because i wasn't being true to who i am.

Early 2017: Second date from tinder (6months). Dating app was never a good idea. Generally filled with either depressed or fucked up people. Congrats we're a match! But hey I've "learned my lessons" and in this relationship, as fucked up as she is, somehow i wasn't insecure at all. Life was great while it lasted.

Late 2017: Of course, it ended badly with third/fourth parties. Went through some details in my 2018 posts below. Fell into depression again. Didn't manage to solve my emotions. When shit went down, i blamed her and hated her like how i did in 2015. Life was miserable as i was in the military. 5 weekday of depression in camp and 2 weekend of unloading all my pain at home for almost a year.

Early 2018 (?): Can't remember which year exactly but at some point the "bad boy" version of me tried to go on more dates and at one point, hooked up with someone. I hated it. I thought being nice wasn't enough so I wanted to be different. I hated who I became and went back to my true self.

Mid 2018: Third love, still in the military. No surprise its from tinder again. Generally filled with either depressed or fucked up people once again. Trying to be co-dependent without first achieving self-love and self-worth. But of course, i can only say and realize this now - because it finally ended, after 5 years. But don't get me wrong, while it lasted, it was amazing going through all thick and thin together. I had complete control over my emotions and still held on to my ability to trust and be 100% secure in the relationship. Learned my lesson from the first two and this time I made plans and asked her to be my girlfriend. Unfortunately for her case, insecurity was a major trait alongside ADHD. This would lead to our eventual downfall.

Well, she was a player who hooked up with different people on a daily/weekly basis. An extremely carefree person who simply wants all the instant gratification she could get. I was potentially "just another guy" to her. This however does no dismiss the fact that she too has been through abuse and shit before.

Early 2019: Caught her nudes on her phone in some hidden telegram folder. I was overseas for 2 weeks for a military operation and during that time she used locanto to sell nudes to make quick cash (which i didn't know what was those photos for at that time). My initial feeling was shock and fear, but just as quickly i recomposed myself, approached her, and forgave her without a second thought or even questioning her. With tears & guilt in her eyes, I hugged her and told her everything would be ok. She thought that i would break up with her, but instead, i gave her a second chance and trust that through this, she would learn her lesson about how it is not worth the risk of losing someone like me. We moved on from here and was happy again.

July 2019: The one and only time but we didn't know better. I had no knowledge about the menstrual cycle and she told me it was safe during her most fertile period. 2 weeks later we were deciding between keeping or aborting. This was probably the toughest time i had to go through in my life. A potential life was at stake, but luckily the heart had yet to form. We negotiated and we weighed the pros and cons. Her motherly instincts were definitely there but we ended up choosing the latter option. I took responsibility and was there for her through every step of it and every procedure i could attend. With a few thousand in my bank, i depleted almost all of it because that was the least I could do as she bears the weight of going through this physical and mental turmoil. The stress we had to go through was insane.

What made it worse was that during this time i had to go for nasal and tonsil surgery. Things were going fine until I was discharged and had complications (5% chance of throat hemorrhage). Ended up being sent to ER thrice in 2 weeks. Each time blood would flow out constantly and choke me up. I had to ice my neck and constantly spit the blood out until the ambulance came. The third time it became so bad I spat out almost 500ml of blood and clots into the blood bag provided by the paramedics on the way to the hospital. This time tho, i was hospitalized for almost a week. Literally had diarrhoea 24/7 from the antibiotics to the point where even the nurses were annoyed. Was on IV drip diet, and I lost ALL my gains. The guilt i had to go through when i was supposed to be there for her, but now she had to constantly be here for me in the hospital is indescribable.

Sept 2019: Started my career as a personal trainer right after ORD. New environment, new structure, and with no idea of what to expect. Stayed with the company until the first circuit breaker of covid which resulted in them closing down. However, it ain't all sunshine and rainbows. I was mentored by a dictator who disciplined and scolded me worse than my parents. Treated like a dog holding my clipboard, paper, and pen, walking to lunch with him while asking questions and taking notes. Everything that had been asked or answered before, i wasn't allowed to ask again before i got a scolding for being dumb. Scolded for my lack of spatial awareness, lack of critical thinking, and being judged for every action i took on the gym floor. Vacuum, mopped, cleared the thrash, and cleaned the toilet, because i was new. Shouted at me and slammed weights on the gym floor once while everyone was around and training clients. Insane personal growth, tough love. Later do I know half the shit he taught was either false or an overcomplication of what was necessary; however the other half was gold.

Late 2019 - May 2022: Life was great with her. Had some ups and downs, but we were grateful for each other and tried to iron out our differences as much as we could.

Sept 2020 - May 2021: Life was great. Worked at a new gym, was respected, promoted and i worked my ass off to develop my skill as a trainer. I would even dare to say i was the best in-house trainer at that place. Had a few drama going on in the company and it did got very toxic. But i was able to steer clear of most of it. However, the gym eventually closed down due to circuit breaker 2. In which i had to find a new place again.

Some time around here i broke down once and probably changed my dad forever. Though he no longer beat me like before, the anger issues and attitude was still as bad. I could vividly remember what really happened. But he got mad and I had fucking enough of this shit. I shouted back at how harsh and shitty he's been, i sat down with my back against the wall and started smashing the back of my head against it countless times it until he ran over to stop me and calm the fuck down. Since then, he's been aware and really, much better.

July 2021: Joined a new gym opened by a friend of mine. Grateful for the opportunity with an arguably higher pay compared to before but damn well a better and premium work environment to further improve my skills as a trainer. Met amazing colleagues there too and got to know all sorts of clients ranging from MNC/SME/Start-up business owners, directors, doctors, lawyers, taitais, rich stay-at-home-moms, rich spoiled brats, traders, corporate workers, pilots to even the low-income ceiling ones trying their best to improve their life by using our service. Steep learning curve at the start, but no biggie.

Dec 2021 - May 2022: A good friend hooked me up with a shady investment. Gave great return and honestly till this day (Nov2023) it is still paying out at about 7% per month. But greed took over, and he introduced me to another one which was 15-20% per month. Naive and uneducated as i was, i Invested half my life savings into both platforms at that point. The latter one got shut down eventually and became an international case and MAS was also heavily involved with it. In order to recuperate my loss, i ventured into cryptocurrency and got myself into even more shady investment schemes, and at one point, i even recruited a whole family tree of people online (10 over investors) to be under my name and got their commissions. I was highballing and reinvesting the gains, rarely ever withdrawing. 3/4 way through my recuperation, I got scammed by a fake admin and lost 80%. With 20% left, the way back up was long, stressful and tedious. Soon after, the platform rug pulled but luckily i was able to withdraw whatever i had left into my crypto wallet. Once again i ventured into many other platforms until one day I got destroyed by a bitcoin pyramid scheme and lost everything again. Withdrew back everything from my first platform due to fear into my fiat bank (DBS).

All or nothing. Sometime after, i got to know someone online, and as stupid as it sounds, i trusted "her" and to cut it short, invested my entire bank account into it. Bit by bit, more and more. I lost close to 6-digits. Platform admin needed me to "pay tax for withdrawal" and "someone reported my account so i needed to top up the balance to prove that i wasn't laundering money" At that point, a few thousand meant nothing and i was too blinded to pull back. Borrowed 2k from my love and 3k from a friend i once lend some money to as a return of favour. Topping my with the last 5k in my bank, needless to say, i lost it all once again. But she was still there for me, being my greatest supporter. Which i will forever be grateful for.

To be clear, this stranger/scammer that i built a friendship with, I made it clear to "her" that i have a girlfriend and that nothing will go on between us. I was in it for the money. Maybe "she" if its even a "she" had other intentions, it was not for me to care about.

And why did i even attempt to try all these? Because she didn't have a plan or a job. I felt the need to be the breadwinner and make her a taitai. I thought only the brave could take the risk and reap the rewards. I wanted to get rich quick and make our life better. I risked it all and lost it all.

May 2022 - Oct 2023: Bankrupted, but i wasn't depressed. I was calmed and composed. I accepted reality as it is and immediately took action to draft out a plan on what i should do moving forward. Stay away from ALL investments and work honestly on my day job until the day i recuperate everything back. Be extremely thrifty and only spend on necessities. I became so hyper focused on money that our relationship took the hit. Well, she tried to be understanding and never once complained. I thought everything was fine and this was simply a phase of downturn. September 2023, I officially recovered all my losses. I felt a great sense of relief and freedom. With a clear mind, I finally start putting in more effort into the relationship and also started to plan on marriage and housing. "I made her wait long enough" I told myself. "Next year i'll have to propose" I told myself. 17th October 2023, we celebrated our 5th anniversary. Everything seemed fine.

25th October 2023: I received a text for a break from the relationship. My heart sank. I knew what was coming. I knew she went out herself to calm her mind and will be back anytime soon. 10:15pm, i stood on the void deck, outside her lift without letting her know until she finally return at 11:20pm. She couldn't look at me in the eye and asked me to go home. I didn't want to be possessive and toxic so I allowed her to head back without stopping verbally/physically. She left me in front of my eyes. Should I have pulled her back? Would anything I say at that point help to change her mind? I will never know the answer. But I know that the reason why i did not act was due to my past 2 relationships. Both ended with me trying so hard to get them back and being all emotional. I didn't want history to repeat itself.

I sat down somewhere trying to process what had just happened. I couldn't. My mind went blank. I texted and ask if I could talk to her, to see her, to stay the night. "Go home" she texted me. "Don't push my buttons". "Go home, don't make me repeat myself". "Take bus home".

My mind was blank. My vision was blurred. Hyperventilating. I knew the bus stop was just a street away yet no matter how i walked, i couldn't find it. Took a few steps in every direction and each time i stop, i didn't know where i was.

25th-29th October: A couple of back and forth texting with me explaining how we could still make it work. How it's not worth ending our 5 years of memories. How we all deserve another chance. How the lessons we learned could have been applied to us again, instead of starting from ground zero with someone new. No hatred, no emotional and reckless talking like I did before. But maybe my sin was too great for her to handle.

"the stranger who scammed you, why was her photo in your deleted album and you answered with your story, i lost trust in you" Why should I keep a selfie of a stranger in my photo album and why are you checking my phone this deeply when you know clearly how much i respect my personal space? You didn't even trust in me since day 1. Yet I was the complete opposite trusting you a 100% even after what you did.

"you changed your phone password and that made things worse. If I could turn back in time, I would have told you how upset I am every single time life comes and hit us w something and we have to delay our plans for the future. How scared I am once my career stabilises, and yours get rocky again. And we have to restart the whole process. I wish I could have told you how much I don't trust you, how much I miss the old us, how much I missed being happy, instead of just being contented"

"I've given you chances and chances again. I always asked you out, but I know you're too tired. So I stopped asking you out and spend time w u at home instead. I know you're too tired, I know what I want; but I don't even dare to ask you out."

"I hate that I love you so much, but I doubt we have a future together. I don't know if I can trust you that you'll start putting effort into this rs. Ever since your incident last year, I've been patient."

"I've been hurt so many times, yet I just kept quiet. When you went out with Marcus (my best friend of 10years which we meet only once or twice a year) I realised how lonely I am without you. I don't want to depend on you for happiness anymore. I need to find it within myself. To fill the void you weren't able to."

"I hate that I know you've been working hard for us. I hate that I don't know if I can see a future w you bc I just have so much doubts. I hate that this has caused me so much pain too"

The old us had no troubles. The old us had all the time in the world to date and be stress free. The me after bankruptcy was fighting for our future. She talk about doubting our future when I was there fighting for it in the present.

I said "If you see yourself 50 years with me then you'll realise you won't have 50 years of the same thing & perhaps this is just 1/50 phase of the relationship" in which she replied "When you're saying all these, do you ever pause and admire the moment? Live in the present?"

So was it our possible future or the present that she was unhappy with? My present had a fuck ton of stress. Crazy workload while dealing with the financial loss and the delay of our future. Was it my fault that i wasn't strong enough to stay active and happy and "live in the moment"? Or was her insecurity and the need for instant gratification the root of our downfall? I asked myself this and I realised that it doesn't matter. There's no need for closure.

She'll be happier without me now and i'm proud that she knows what she want. She's finally heading towards a good career and she's learning to love herself, which is ever so important. Nobody is perfect and each of us are always in the journey of healing. With this, she gave me a new dumped-experience to heal myself from too.

29th October 2023: "I can't ever go back to "us" anymore. I hope you can respect that and let's move onto the next phase of life." She said. This was it. I was sad, but i wasn't depressed. I gave her a few final text to ensure she's certain. I listed out the good and the bad of us. I apologized for my shortcomings and mentioned how grateful am I to have her in my life. I thank her for giving us this opportunity to heal and grow ourselves. Life goes on.

On the same day, i broke down in front of my mother as i spilled the beans and revealed the details. This brought me and my family together, closer than ever before. For the first time, i became vulnerable in front of her.

30th October 2023 - 26th November 2023 (present) : No contact has started and I began my personal healing journey. I left no regrets and accepted life as it is. I've been through too much in life to dread over spilled milk. Everything happens for a reason and with every obstacle, i grew stronger. This is my opportunity for linear growth and I have to take advantage of it. I know i needed to love myself and i know i need to be happy enough as an individual before i jump into another relationship like a dumb dumb again. I know my self worth and i know how loyal, genuine, patient, kind, honest, forgiving, respectful, grateful for every little thing, driven, weird, eccentric, funny and playful i am.

I am not a cheater, i hate letting people down. I strive to work hard but also to live a balance life. I know what i want and i know that whoever that steps into my life next needs to also be a happy enough individual with similar enough mindset as i have. Being into fitness is definitely a huge bonus too since fitness is literally my life. I know that this time it'll be someone i meet in real life and not from dating apps. I know the law of attraction and i know that as long as i continue working on myself, the right one will come one day even without me chasing for it.

Chasing brings the excitement of challenges that'll die along with it once you obtain it. Chasing is a sign of lack of self respect. It needs to come from mutual investment, or move on.

Meanwhile, i'll continue to upgrade my fitness knowledge, explore more into cooking and singing. Take care of myself by dressing better, getting a few more trims and get some skin care routine going on. Spend more time with friends and family which i've neglected my whole life. I'll live my best life knowing that storms will still come ever once in a while. I'll identify and accept those negative feelings. I'll go into a space of observational awareness while waiting for the storm to pass, then jump right back into the path of never ending healing of life again.

In only 26 years i'm glad to have been through most of life's grieves and have the emotional maturity to take on whatever that's yet to come. My only uncertainty to how i'll react is the loss of health which may interrupt/inhibit my training/nutrition routine or the loss of health/life of my parents (no details but my dad's memory has been getting worse rapidly over the past 2 years). But when the time comes, which it will. I have full faith in my future self that i'll be able to handle it.

This is all for now. It's time to be positive. Looking through all my older posts since 2015, I'm fucking proud of where i'm at now & i'm sure my future self will be fucking proud of me taking this step today too.

Hello J from god knows if tumblr will still be around. 5 years? 10 years? Look at me and be glad i've yet to throw my life away and give up. Because of my decision today, you get to be who you are now. BLEH.

[selenityshiroiml]

So I caught up with the rest of S5 this weekend.

I was expecting to be on the fence about it, based on the spoilers I'd seen. But it all slotted together reasonably well.

Chloe and the coup was the bit I was expecting to be 'wow...really?' about. But Gabe and Tomoe manipulating it into being and all of Paris being all 'whatever, a supervillain closed the metro 4 times last week and I can't miss work because I'm still paying off my stupidly expensive Smart Ring' sort of attitude about it makes it a bit less out there.

Lila is just a big unexplained mystery. Wtf is going on with her. I'm not mad about it, just waiting for it to unfold next season. She's way too good for no reason. Yet.

Chloe..I'm meh about her. I get that people hate that her 'redemption arc' wasn't followed through. But the thing is...her 'redemption' was never anything but performative. There were like two moments, maybe, where she seemed to genuinely want to change. Every other time it was just to get what she wanted or because she was forced. Because she always had privilege she never genuinely tried or needed to change. That moment on the plane, however, where she almost called Sabrina (even though she didn't) does make me think that there is still a chance that now she is stuck in a situation where she can't use her privilege to get what she wants and she has to face the consequences of her choices (or she's a victim of her mother's choices) that she can break away. And it's shit that she has to break away from the cycle of abuse on her own, but it's not like other's haven't tried to help her. And there is also a very big point about Chloe that the show addresses and critics seem to forget. Sometimes people will just bully and bully and bully you. And the situation doesn't get resolved. You don't change them by giving them chances. You don't cure them through kindness. Some kids end up suffering under a bully for years and nothing helps. That's a real experience for many and I don't think it's a bad thing for the show to portray that experience for Marinette-that she couldn't make things better and that the onus shouldn't have ever been on her to fix things or keep giving Chloe chances.

The thing is, this show doesn't shy away from the fact that parents can be abusive. Gabriel and Tomoe, obviously, as well as Audrey. And all three are still waiting to be properly addressed.

Which is where we get to the finale.

No, Gabriel hasn't gotten off scot free. Because, clearly, this is all going to bite them in the ass later.

Chat Noir/Adrien not being in the finale vs Monarch? Actually essential. If he had been there it would have been impossible to keep Adrien's identity a secret from Marinette. And it's not fair to have her know and not him. So to keep the identities secret they HAD to keep him out of the fight.

Which is why we got Chat/Adrien vs akumatised Gabriel. So he could let out his anger and rage about the situation. So he could confront him. So he could express his feelings. But whilst keeping his identity a secret.

Marinette keeping the secrets from Adrien? Also going to bite them in the ass. Adrien still knows that his father was the asshole who locked him up in a room and wouldn't let him see his girlfriend. Even with his rings in his possession, Adrien is still a sentibeing and will find out at some point. Chat Noir still doesn't know who Monarch was and although Ladybug might be reluctant to tell him at first (because if it got out it could negatively affect Adrien), she might tell him at some point before it all hits the fan leading to Adrien trying to deal with the emotional fallout alone.

The secrets are the new emotional conflict. The love square is pretty solid right now, with Adrienette sailing and Ladynoir on excellent platonic terms. So the tension is now going to come from the secrets.

And those secrets are going to weigh damned heavy.

[dearmaternals]

This is an open letter to my family on my mother's side. I'd like to assure you that my purpose of writing this isn't to make anyone choose sides or turn anyone against her - You're all adults and can make your own decisions and judgements and unlike someone we all know, I don't feel the need to try and control other people's views or actions. I know by sharing this with you, it'll probably get back to her and that's okay - I've written the truth here and there's nothing in it that I'm ashamed of or scared that she'll react to.

My aim in writing this is to be open, honest and to offer up a side to the story that you probably haven't heard before. I have no doubt that you have heard various versions of mine and my mother's relationship that paints me as some kind of villain with her as the victim and completely blameless. I'm not here to slate her, I just want to share the truth with you so that you can make up your own minds.

The truth is, my mother is responsible for a lot of abuse and pain caused to both myself and Pàl. Some of this has been indirect, through neglect, enabling and putting us in vulnerable positions but the majority has been direct, intentional and borderline psychopathic.

From the age of 4 until the age of 7, she would leave us with one of her friends from work who would beat, humiliate and torture both myself and Pàl. She insists that she either didn't know about this or that she was also a victim - What she won't tell you is that she hit us too and joined in on the sadistic 'punishments' doled out to us. I am haunted by the image of her lifting Pàl at least 3 feet off the ground by his ear lobes. I would get horrendous beatings and she would rub ointment into my swollen, bruised face and tell me it was all my own fault. Myself and Pàl are the real victims and the only reason it stopped was because Nan found our bruises and forced my mother to move us out of the area for our own safety.

We moved to Bolton and mother dearest swore us to secrecy about what had happened to make us move into the area, using crocodile tears and emotional manipulation to keep us quiet.

When I was 10, she met a new man whilst working at the chippy - After knowing him for a few weeks, she let him babysit us at his house while she was at work - This was the first time that he sexually abused me, while I was in my primary school uniform. He continued to abuse me for the next 4 years, often this would be in the bedroom next to my mum's while she slept but he would also take me swimming and abuse me there. The signs were there; I withdrew to my room, I would often barricade my bedroom door to stop him coming in and I even asked my mother repeatedly if I could have a lock on my bedroom door and she was never concerned with the reasons why.

In fact, that's how I've experienced my mother, as long as I'm adhering to her standards - she doesn't seem to care about me at all. If I'm not following her rules, then all hell will break loose. A good example of this is when I was in year 8, she decided that I was old enough to bath myself (which I agreed) however, she refused to help me with my recurring problem with lice. Having so much hair made it impossible to complete this myself and every time I would ask her to help, she would refuse. I was horrendously bullied because I got to a point where I couldn't manage and often had nits falling out of my head whilst in school. Even then, she didn't intervene, I was doing as I was told and therefore it was no longer her issue. I would spend so long in the bath trying to get rid of the lice that the bath would be ice cold, I'd be in tears and still, wasn't her issue.

Once her marriage with my stepdad, my abuser, broke down - she would disappear for weeks at a time, leaving me to fend for myself. I often had to beg her to come home to either drop off food, or money so that I could do a food shop and get gas/electric on the meter. This was a theme right up until she kicked me out in 2013 - As I was building my life outside of the house and would often be out of the house, I became the bad guy. I had dropped out of uni after a suicide attempt and could no longer afford to give her a hefty percentage of my student loan, which, along with me speaking to mental health professionals about my life, spending as much time out of the house as I could and attempting to build a relationship with my dad, caused some friction.

If you've spoken to her about this, she will probably have said that I wasn't kicked out but instead I chose to leave - I mean, she did offer me a choice but it wasn't a reasonable one. The choice was to transfer every penny in my bank account to her, to stop going to get mental health support, to stop speaking to and seeing my friends and agree to just stay in the house and look after the dogs OR, and these are her words, "get the fuck out of my house". If that seems like a legitimate choice and not coercion, control and abuse then I don't know what to tell you.

When things are good, i.e. she can get something out of the relationship with you, then she will be the nicest person you could meet. But, if for whatever reason, she takes a disliking to you then she can turn very nasty very quickly. A great example of this is when Pàl was getting back on his feet after being kicked out at 17, he had just been paid his benefits and was sharing a flat with quite a few people - Mainly sleeping on the floor. My mum used me by promising me an iPod that I'd been asking for for years to get me to access his online banking and empty it all into her bank account, leaving him penniless so that he had no choice but to come back home and continue to be abused.

I got back in contact with my mum after Nan died, probably because I was grieving and felt a massive disconnect from that side of the family. She saw that vulnerability and wormed her way back in, I would visit her often and I would see the way she treated Pàl - Ordering him around and treating him like shit, all the while she would play Mum of the Year with me to get herself back in my good graces. However, behind my back, she was telling people that I can't be trusted as she believed that I lied about the sexual abuse from my stepdad and she was continuing a friendship with him and escorting him to health appointments. It was in 2016 that I last spoke to her properly, this is when my stepdad died and she told me that they had been friends because "no-one deserves to die alone" - even if they molest and rape your daughter right under your nose, it seems!

Since then, she has reached out to me via text at random and I've consistently shut her down. What I've written here is just a preview of the myriad of reasons why I refuse to have a relationship with such a harmful person and I hope it has shed some light on things for you. As I said at the start, I'm not trying to make anyone choose sides or turn you against her - I just thought you deserved to hear the truth, direct from me.

Not having contact with her, for some reason, seems to equate to not having a relationship with any of you which feels unfair. I personally have avoided it, simply because I am aware that at least some of you speak to her and offering you access to my life, by extension, could offer her some access. I simply keep my distance to deny her even a single shred of access to me that she feels is owed to her, but within that distance I deny myself my family and part of who I am which causes me a great deal of inner conflict and sadness - Feelings that I tolerate because a potential alternative where she has any aspect of control over me is completely unacceptable to me.

Anyway, I've rambled on for long enough - If you've got to the end, treat yourself to a brew and a peeled grape!