#Oh and stacey is the first drawing

[acroagoraphobe]

The guys fighting are Aaron and Gage (Aaron hates raiders with a passion)

(Yes I have my own design for a post-institute Deacon)

[emily-mooon]

I have a Nordegrim AU idea! (again)

It’s hard to explain but Neil has seven evil ex arcade rivals that Stacey has to beat up in order to be able to go on arcade dates with him.

[idontplaytrack]

Hello, I've been reading your fics since I found them recently and I love your writing sm!! I've been wanting to request some smut for AJ Campos, maybe with a strap, possibly during that track race where instead of Paige, AJ is rooming with reader instead at the hotel

Watch You Sleep

AJ Campos x fem!reader

Warnings: MDNI, smut. Oral, fingering, toy use, pet names. Coarse language, drinking

In which reader’s had a lack of sleep lately and when finally alone with her in a room at an away meet, AJ gets creative

“Are you nervous?” AJ asks you quietly, a hand on your thigh.

“Coach says I’d better perform better today otherwise we can say goodbye to placing. How’d Paige get better than me?” You were looking out the window while the bus was driving to the destination.

“Excuse me?” She turned around, startling you.

“I was just saying how you’ve become better than I am at track. Maybe I should quit.”

“What? Ay, no, no, no.” Dylan chimed in, “You love track.”

“Things change, Dylan.” You exhaled harshly.

“Oh.” Paige’s face fell.

“Yeah, oh.” You snapped, “I haven’t been able to sleep in over a week. I cannot wait for this to be over. I’ve got other things to worry about.”

“Like what?”

“Are we not in the same classes, Evans? We have two essays due in two weeks.”

You wished Paige wasn’t sitting so close by…just a couple days ago, she asked AJ out right in front of you.

AJ looked at you, concerned. “Okay, you guys.” AJ shooed them away, “Return to your own conversation.”

For the rest of the drive, you laid your head on AJ’s shoulder while eating the bag of gummy bears that you brought along. And all throughout the ride, you kept feeling eyes on you. And not from AJ- Paige. You looked away, staring out the window now.

“Girl, what the fuck are you doing? Stop being creepy.” Dylan huffed.

Once at the hotel, all the students started pairing up with their roommates according to Coach Murray’s list and went to their rooms. And you? You were supposed to be with Gabi but AJ asked to swap. “Thanks, Gabs.”

“No worries.” Gabi smiled.

AJ quickly takes you into the room, shutting and locking the door behind yourselves, “Are we going to the party?”

“Yes.” AJ decided, “They would definitely play a drinking game and it would be a great way to make it clear to Paige that I’m not interested,”

“Isn’t it random? Like, don’t they just draw phones out of a pile or something?”

“I was thinking more like we…get tipsy and just kiss in front of her.” AJ chuckles. You snorted, “Please. Knowing how fucking gutsy she is, she might actually shove me to the ground. Then, she’d kiss you.”

“There’ll be witnesses.” AJ points out.

“Yeah, a bunch of drunk teens staying up past lights out is real reliable.” You laughed.

“Then we should just…post something? Announce we’re together?” AJ stifles a laugh.

You shrug, “I dunno.”

“We don’t have to go to that party, you know?” She says, “I would honestly much rather just spend some time alone with you.”

“Oh, yeah? And do what?” You ask. “Never mind, we’ll go to their ‘party’ first. You’re right- it’s the perfect place to let her know. There are other students around- so if she pulls any crazy shit? Witnesses.”

After unpacking, you and AJ decided to head out for dinner at the diner down the block. “God, I’m so tired. Why is she everywhere?”

“Tired, tired or because-” AJ says, but you cut her off.

“Both.” You deadpan. “Let’s go somewhere else.”

“Okay.” She shrugged, the two of you went further down the block to a pizza place. But not before Paige saw you and AJ leaving- the girl did not look happy.

————

Later that night, you and AJ were in Stacey’s room to party with the rest of the team. “Oh, good. You guys are here!” Stacey gasped, “Come in, come in.”

The kicked the night right off with ‘seven minutes in the hotel bathroom’. The rounds went by rapidly and you weren’t even just a little bit hopeful that you and AJ’s phones would get drawn out of the pillow case for a round together. “y/n, you’re up.” Dylan showed your phone to the group. You looked at him then at Paige who was beside him. “Aaaand, AJ, this is your phone, right? Oh, yup. That’s y/n’s face right there. You’re up- chop chop.” The group started chattering about how surprised they were that AJ had been seeing someone all this time. Contented, you grabbed AJ’s hand, stood up and got shoved into the bathroom by Dylan and Stacey. “Timer starts once the door closes!” Dylan exclaimed.

“Did you see that look on her face?” AJ laughs, grabbing your face to kiss you.

You nod, “Oh, we’re doing that here?” You broke away from the kiss briefly.

“Of course- we’re gonna really give them a show.” AJ grins.

“Oh, hell no.” You gasped, “I am not going to purposely-” And just like that, your train of thought was gone as she kisses you even deeper, her lips trailing down your jaw and to your neck which easily draws out a moan. AJ chuckles, her breath tickles your neck making you squirm.

“To be fair she’s been purposely being a little bitch to you.” AJ raised a brow, “I doubt she couldn’t tell we have something going on at least.”

“Oh, just shut up and kiss me.” You exhaled, your hands began roaming her back, but she lifts you up to sit on the countertop. Without even taking your shorts off, she pushes the fabric of it, and your underwear aside, “Do you feel ready?”

“What?” You asked, confused for a second, “Yeah. Sure.”

AJ dips a finger into your folds, gliding it up and down, proving your point, “Of course you are.” Pushing it easily into your entrance, she quickly gains a momentum, not wanting to waste a single second of this quote-unquote ‘mandated’ make-out time. She grins, licking her lips as she watches your face contort, “Baby, you’re acting like I don’t eat you out every other night.” That smirk on AJ’s face made you feel you didn’t know what to do with yourself, then you were feeling a strangled yelp in your throat.

“Now you get shy?” She caresses your cheek with her free hand, her fingers ram into you to force a moan out of your mouth. Successfully.

“Fuck!” You whispered-shouted into her ear, “Fuck you. Oh, God.”

“Feisty.” She bit down on your neck, and you whimpered. AJ removes her fingers from you and started to kiss your face again.

“Time’s up! Get outta there.” Stacey knocks.

“You wanna go back?” AJ asks, tucking some hair behind your ear.

“Definitely.” You gave her one last kiss before straightening yourself up quickly then swung the door open.

“We’re gonna- go.” AJ stood behind you, a hand on your shoulder. “Message received. Good night- maybe you can finally get some sleep, y/n.” Dylan commented, earning a smack from his girlfriend. “Well, it’s true- she’s barely been sleeping lately.” Dylan reasoned.

“Good night, guys.” Stacey waved.

————

“Give me a minute- I just gotta get some from my bag.” She tells you while you plopped down on the bed. “Okay.” You responded while lying down. “They’re right- you haven’t been getting any good sleep recently.” AJ spoke up. “Yeah, well? I’ve been too stressed about performing well at the meet tomorrow.”

“It’s at 2pm- so we have plenty of time to get you some sleep.” She says, “Also- this might help.”

“What- oh, jesus fucking christ. How did you get that damn thing- okay, you know what? I’m not even gonna ask.” You eyes widened in shock when you turned onto your side and saw AJ putting on that harness.

“Thought you might need more to actually tire you out. And you’d probably wake up refreshed if you get some uninterrupted sleep- so you could actually perform better than Paige does.” She shrugs nonchalantly- as if she wasn’t going to impale you in the matter of minutes. “Think you can help yourself onto it?”

Her question snaps you out of your trance, “Okay.”

She chuckles, “If you say so.” AJ then laid down, waiting for you to straddle her. “Face me, okay?” You didn’t say anything else but just followed her order, legs bracketing either side of her as you knelt and positioned yourself to ease that shaft inside. AJ reflexively grabs your hips, giving you the support. “You okay, baby?” She watches you closely to make sure you weren’t in pain. You’d gotten yourself about halfway in, but you decided to get a rhythm going in order to make the rest of it easier.

“Baby?” She asks again.

“I’m okay, AJ.” You confirmed, biting your lower lip as you got used to the stretch. Watching her bare body, as she does yours, you felt yourself slipping further in by the minute. And with her words of encouragement, and a little push, you took the whole length. It was now poking you in the g-spot every time you came back down, making the moans fly out from your mouth every time.

“So pretty.” Her hands trailed upwards, kneading your breasts after unclipping your bra and tossing it aside, “You’re so pretty, my girl. Come on, give me a kiss, baby.” You leaned down, crashing her lips onto yours, content to be like this for awhile. She instinctively cups your cheeks with both hands, stroking them with her thumb. The kisses progress got heated, aiding in your little task of riding the strap. She was loving watching you and seeing your tits move along with your actions. That grin on her face? She was more than satisfied with your ability to take it. She pushes you off of her, you whine not liking the sudden emptiness. “Lay down, baby.” She pushes you down gently, her hands massaging your thighs. You complied, soon feeling her teasing you with the tip of the shaft. You squirmed, unable to keep your mouth shut. So she does- AJ crawled up to attack you with kisses, trailing down from your face all the way to your core. But of course, the lower she went, the louder you became. “You know I love hearing you, baby. Don’t hold back.” She says, her breath fanning against the juncture between your legs. “The walls are so thin.” You grumbled, “Do you not hear that?”

“So what? This whole level’s our team.” AJ shrugs, “Oh, my God- is that coach-”

“Don’t put that image in my head.” You interjected, laughing, “AJ, please.” Your hands grabbed her hair, pushing her closer to you.

“M’kay.” She grins, her tongue begins to circle your clit slowly. It made you seethe, trying to swallow the whine that was threatening to fall from your lips. “I want to hear you, babe. It’s alright.” She coos, barely breaking away long enough to speak.

You back arched more and more by the minute, and naturally, the faster she flicked her tongue, the more of a mess you were. And finally, the coil in your core started tightening, taking the place of the fluttering sensation. AJ asks if you were close, and you hadn’t even said a thing since many minutes ago- but instead your endless, whines, whimpers and moans have filled the room making AJ more eager to push you over the edge.

You could definitely feel yourself getting closer to the high, your hands clutching at the sheets beneath you. “My God. I’m so close.” You told her in a strained voice. She licks your clit one time before pulling away, much to your annoyance. “I got you, honey.” AJ grins, licking her lips to taste you, “Keep your legs open, we’re nowhere near done.”

You whined needily, feeling the ache and pulsing of your apex becoming increasingly unbearable by the second as she deprived you of the contact and stimulation- to the point where you were about to burst into tears because it was becoming too much to bear. As AJ pushes into you, she held her forearm under both your knees to keep your legs in place. And every single time she pounded into you, a sharp moan attacked her eardrums, sending shocks down her spine. “Keep going, keep going…fuck!” Your breath hitches as she retracts and pushes into you the hardest she’s had that night. Her pace became merciless as you felt the wetness dripping down you, the obscene sound from between your legs made you dizzy as did the pleasure from her fucking you with the strap. Her forearm moves away, she tells you to keep your legs in place. And, she looks right into your eyes as she continues to impale you repeatedly while profanities and high-pitched moans spewed from your mouth in an unending string. “Ah- ah! Fuck.” You cursed. AJ grins, watching you with pride as you looked back at her with hooded eyes that soon rolled to the back of your head. AJ kept going and going, watching your face at first. Then your body started trembling so she reflexively slowed down. “Oh, my God.” You cried, “Holy shit, oh my God. AJ, fuck. That feels so good, babe. Oh-”She was now holding onto one leg as she went at a languish pace to help you ride through your high. The pleasure slowly turned into a slight ache as overstimulation took over. You told her to stop and she pulls out, admiring the aftermath in the process.

She removes the harness and abandoned it. You hear it fall to the floor with a thud before she crawls into bed with you. “Hi, baby.” She cups your cheek, kissing you on the nose, “Do you feel okay?” You nodded silently, laying your head on her chest as her embrace tightens. “I wasn’t too rough, was I?” AJ asks.

“I’m a little sore, but it’ll be okay.” You admit.

AJ nods, “Think you can sleep?” She runs a hand through your hair, pressing yet another kiss onto your face.

“Mhm.” You snuggled closer, allowing her heartbeat and her warmth to lull you to sleep.

“Good night, my love.” AJ exhales softly, watching your sleepy figure in her arms, “Sweet dreams.”

[x-aefx]

Back to you - Ellie Williams

Pairing: Ellie Williams x female reader

Modern au!

Summary: college!ellie au. Having once been close friends, Ellie and you begin to talk again while new feelings bloom and old ones return.

Part one

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

“Fuck!” You whisper yelled as you stared at your clock on your messy desk, internally wishing the hour would go back two hours so you wouldn’t be late for your first class since spring break.

Throwing an envious glance at your roommate, Lily, who didn’t have class until the afternoon, you climbed out of bed still half asleep. Walking to your dresser you pulled out the first thing your cold hands touched, your ‘Queen’ band t-shirt and black cuffed jeans. Brushing your hair quickly and spraying perfume you had no memory of buying, you awkwardly put on your shoes whilst trying to maintain balance in your standing position. Turning to your desk you grabbed the textbooks stacked on top of each other and your bag that was on the ground. You stole a quick glance in the mirror and said a mental ‘thank goodness’ for your somewhat decent appearance.

Grabbing the tin of mints on the edge of the desk you made your way out of the dorm and across the campus to your class.

Any other day and you would’ve taken your time seeing as you were already going to be late, but you wanted to get a good seat in class. Sure there was technically nothing stopping you from taking somebody else’s seat tomorrow when you would hopefully arrive on time, but you didn’t want to be that person.

Trying to hide your disappointment and annoyance as you walked into the class seeing you were probably the last to arrive, you looked to where your usual seat at the back beside the classroom wall was, now occupied by a girl who had the brightest blue eyes and straightest hair you had ever seen sat laughing loudly to her friend who looked nearly the same.

‘my fault for being late’ you thought bitterly to yourself.

Your eyes scanned the classroom for an empty seat. Finding one in the middle row you made your way towards it. Dropping your books on the desk and your bag on the floor you sat down. Not a moment later you felt someone kicking the back of your chair.

“what the fuc-“

“language’”

“seriously Dina?”

“someone's in a mood”

“Shut it Jesse”

“Hey!”

“You’re going to the party this Friday aren’t you? The one for Stacey’s birthday?” Dina asked smiling enthusiastically, seemingly not paying attention to Jesse’s angry mumbling about how rude people were.

“I can’t promise anything Dina” you sighed. “I could really use some time for myself”

“You had plenty time for yourself over spring break!” Dina pointed out.

“Yeah and I miss it already”

Jesse snorted at the comment earning a hit to the arm from Dina.

“Ow! Christ woman I’m fragile!”

“Oh I know” Dina rolled her dark eyes, “what about you Ellie? Your going right?”

You turned to the side slightly surprised having not noticed Ellie sat beside you. Hair tied in a half up- half down style, the sleeve of her blue flannel rolled up her forearms revealing her tattoo, legs stretched out to their full length under the table, Ellie Williams screamed confidence. Her attention focused entirely on what she was drawing in her sketchbook, Ellie didn’t notice her friend mention her name.

You doubted she even noticed you sat beside her if it weren’t for Jesse nudging her arm with his leg causing her pen to trail a messy line on the page

“hey what the fuck!”

“language! Honestly you two have the most foul mouths” Dina’s eyes glanced in your direction before looking back at Ellie. That’s when Ellie’s green eyes met yours. It was a quick glance but it was enough for you to look into those familiar green eyes.

“what’s up” Ellie ignored Dina’s comment. She placed her pencil on her desk and turned her body to face Dina and Jesse who sat behind her.

“will you be at the party on Friday?” Dina wasted no time in asking her friend.

“Eh-well, I was just planning on staying in.” Ellie looked at Dina with a guilty smile.

“Ellie!” Dina pleaded pouting her lips to really persuade the girl.

“Dina-“

“it will be so much fun I promise! And Y/N is going and everything!”

“wait no-Dina I never actually-!”

“please Ellie! You’ll have a good night, I swear!” Dina made her best puppy dog eyes. Ellie found herself accepting the invitation before she could really comprehend what she was doing. She never fell for Dina’s pleading looks yet she said yes.

Dina made a triumphant noise, her smile wide as she thought about the upcoming party she and her closest friends will be attending. Jesse smiled at his girlfriend, shaking his head with a chuckle at her antics.

Turning back around in your chair you opened your textbook to the page written on the whiteboard by your professor who was only now arriving. You never had a hard time concentrating in class, yet today you did. You couldn’t make your eyes move from word to word instead staring blankly at the white page.

“Ethan hasn’t quit staring at you since you walked in. It’s quite annoying.” A voice muttered.

Your head snapped to the side making eye contact with Ellie. Her brows furrowed as if in deep thought.

If you looked over to the other side of the classroom you would of noticed the captain of the basketball team, Ethan Gilbert, making heart eyes at you. But you didn’t break the eye contact between you and Ellie.

You didn’t think she had noticed you. Sure you and Ellie were close once, at the very start of college. You considered her your best friend but you two became distant with each other over time for reasons you were unsure of. Ever since then you presumed Ellie Williams had erased you from her life, that was how it felt for you anyway. To hear her say something to you at all was a change after all this time.

“What can I say Williams? I’m a total catch.” You shrugged your shoulders sending her a wink.

Ellie only scoffed before turning back to her drawing, a beautiful farmhouse you recognized as her home from the picture you had seen in her dorm. You noticed her smiling but said nothing.

[ashecampos]

Riding it out

Aj Campos x sick reader

Reader x Chantal (twins)

Warnings : migraines, nausea, anxiety, basic illness stuff, fluff, my terrible spelling

Summary : reader is sick and her girlfriend aj comes to comfort her, little does aj know reader hasn’t been looking after herself, even going as far as dragging herself into school.

—————

You hated being sick, the word hate would be a massive understatement for how much being sick made you feel. Your parents are out of town attending to the company they own. Leaving you and your twin sister Chantal to fend for yourself.

Another fit of coughs racks your body, your lungs burn with this being the fifth coughing fit already with it only being 8 am, you had another half an hour before school started and you where dreading it. Throwing on one of your girlfriends hoodies and a pair of grey sweatpants you cough again, grabbing some water and your sneakers. Before you knew it you were at school, slowly walking to your home room class.

—

I put my head down on the desk, praying no one notices how bad I’ve gotten in the past 24 hours, the last thing I need is to be sent home and miss out on work, or even worse track. The teacher starts taking the attendance and I notice there is a few people off, probably experiencing the same symptoms I have right now. I am startled out of my thoughts when my phone vibrates in my pocket, lifting my head up I grab the phone to see who was texting me, seeing it’s the group chat,, I ignore it, not ready to face my friends at this moment in time. I know exactly how they will all react once they see the state im in.

——

Fast and curious

(Thursday 8:50am)

*missed call from Stacey Clark*

Timotee🪽: girl why are you calling us right now, why aren’t you in school?

Dillpickle🥴: wait my wife is off today??

Staceye😇: YES im off because SOMEONE gave me the flu…any guesses @y/n/n ???

Dillpickle🥴: oh baby why didn’t you tell me, I’ll ditch and come over in an hour

Gabrii🌺: guys im in home room with y/n now, she doesn’t look too good, what do I do?

Paige🎨: wait why is she in if she’s ill? Also get well soon Stacey 💕

Talía(Chantal): shes ‘riding it out’ her words not mine

Ayjay (aj): wait y/N’s sick? Since when? And why is this the first im hearing of it?

Talía : shit, she told us to not tell you, sorry aj

——-

You are hit with a wave of nausea as you slowly bring your head up off of the desk to look at the teacher who is calling your name, you look over at him and you don’t hear any of the words coming out of his mouth. His normally angered face turns into a one of pity. He shrugs the question off and points to Gabi, signalling for what I assume is for her to take me out of the classroom for some air. Not even a second later a hand is on my lower back, guiding me to the door of the classroom. I look up to see Gabi on the phone to someone while we walk at an incredibly slow pace to a water fountain. She points to the floor and tells me to sit. I slide down the wall, my legs failing on me, making me fall faster. The loud ringing of the break bell hits my ears and the halls are flooded with students. The noise deathening. I close my eyes a little tighter and hold my hands over my ears before they are swiftly took away, I look at the culprit, it obviously being gabi but this time I look at her she has both of our bags in her arms as she holds out a hand for me to take. “Cmon ángel let’s go find ur girl” she says nodding her head towards the door. I take her hand and we start to walk towards our groups hangout spot on the field. I immediately look for AJ, seeing the girl in one of my hoodies and a pair of black jeans with her signature white converse. Her head shoots up as soon as the doors of the school shut behind me and Gabi. She gives me a look of sympathy as I walk to the group. Chantal is the first to greet me “hey sis, feeling any better?” She asks with a worried tone, I simply nod not to draw too much attention to myself “we got sent out of homeroom..so no she is not okay” Gabi says for me, making Aj give me a disapproving look. “Baby cmon im taking you home” the shorter girl says while taking my bag off of me, I groan while looking at her, tears forming in my eyes. “Just one more class and if I don’t feel any better we can go okay?” I plead hoping I’ll feel a little better in an hour or so. “No ángel, we are going now, our next class is gym and im not going to let you be sent to hospital because your too stubborn to admit your too sick” she scolds me, I look over at Gabi and Chantal as if they would help, they are trying to help but im being too stubborn to see they are only doing this in hopes that it’ll make me feel a little better. I hear the doors of the school open again and turn to see Dillon and Tim walking towards us. This is around the same time my body is graced with yet another coughing fit, followed by nausea. I run to the nearest trash can and throw up the contents of my stomach into the can. Someone is thankfully there and is already holding my hair back as I do this. A hand runs down my back, I look back and see a ‘told you so’ look from my girlfriend who now has her car keys in her hand. “dale vamos ángel” (‘let’s go angel’) a very concerned Dillon says as he brushes my hair out of my face while helping me stand up and get back to the group of my concerned friends.

Aj grabs my backpack off of the floor where Gabi placed it, then she walks over and grabs my hand, pulling me along with her to the carpark, the rest of the group saying their goodbyes to me in a mixture of “get well soon” and “we will come round later with soup” between the lot of them.

Once in her car Aj turns to me, giving me a stern look before holding out her hand “give me your vape” she states without a beat. I stare at her blankly before looking at my bag. She shrugs and reaches over, her hand swiftly disappearing into my hoodies pocket and pulling out my vape, she then waves it in front of my face “none of this while your sick” she mocks before putting the small pen into her own hoodie pocket.

We end up driving for around ten minutes before I realise we aren’t going in the direction of my house anymore “uh aj?” I say quietly,, voice breaking due to a lack of energy “don’t worry we are going to make a little pitstop then we are going home” she says with that goddam little smirk she always sports, her little dimples gracing her tanned face. We end up stopping at a gas station where she runs inside to pay the cashier for the gas but she ends up coming out with tons of snacks and a crate of Gatorade. I laugh a little as she dumps it all into my lap before she continues to drive back to my neighbourhood. Once at my house she helps me carry all the snacks into the house and getting us settled in my room. Once she has me in my bed and covered in a few blankets, she quickly runs around the room setting everything up, turning my LED lights on, closing my curtains and turning on my tv before jumping into the bed with me. I laugh at how much she knows about my room which in turn brings me to another coughing fit. She rubs my back and hands me a bottle of Gatorade she managed to open in the midst of my fit. I take it from her and take a few sips of the drink, i thank her which earns a shake of her head. “How about we watch a movie huh?”

[peonypaint]

toku doodle requests dump! i didnt get to every request i had but thank you if you sent any in!

full id under the cut

[ ID: six digital sketch drawings of kamen rider and super sentai. the first drawing shows godai and eiji from kamen rider ooo and kamen rider kuuga at the top of the page. they are both smiling and shaking hands. above them is text that reads "wanderin' riders." godais shirt has a flannel print and the kuuga symbol on his undershirt. below this is kaito from zenkaiger jumping with one arm around eiji and the other lifted above his head. he is smiling while eiji looks confused, with text above them that reads, "full power friendship!" and "eh??" in the corner of the drawing stacey and ankh are shown with ice cream, looking at kaito and eiji with neutral expressions. the second drawing is of philip from kamen rider w in several poses. on the top left philip holds up his hands and looks off to the side , saying, "oh!" with a lightbulb drawn by his head. in the top right philip is holding his book up near his face and reading, looking focused. below this philip stands with his arms spread and a neutral expression as book text surrounds him. the third drawing is of momoi from donbrothers. he is drawn wearing a crop top with a peach pattern that says "peachy" on it. he is wearing his delivery ballcap and has one arm raised to touch the brim of the hat while he holds a package in his other arm. he is sweating and looking off to the side, his delivery jacket is tied around his waist and hair can be seen on his stomach. behind him is a pink square background. the fourth drawing is of sonoi and momoi. their profiles are drawn in a blue moon, sonoi stands in front of momoi and looks down with a tear falling on his cheek. momois facial features are scratched out. there are pale blue clouds crossing the moon and bordering the bottom of the drawing. the fifth drawing is of tendou and kagami from kamen rider kabuto as cats. tendou is drawn as a gray fluffy cat and kagami is drawn as a black and white cat. tendou and kagami both wear shirts, kagamis is a suit. on the left of the drawing tendou and kagami sit with the text "tenya-dou and kaga-mew above them." tendou has a sly look on his face and kagami looks tired. in the middle tendou is shown walking with the sun above him and text that reads "the cat who walks the path of heaven". on the right tendou is lifting his paw with his eyes closed and saying "grandmeow always said," while kagami is drawn smaller behind him, he looks worn out as he says, "stop." the sixth drawing shows punkjack from kamen rider geats. he is drawn against a purple semicircle with orange, white, and purple stars against the circle. he has raised one arm in a cheer and the other arm pulled near his chest. /END ID]

[senshi-9]

Tag Game

Thank you for tagging me, @touchoffleece! This was a pleasant surprise!

Three Ships:

-Sulemio (Mobile Suit Gundam: The Witch From Mercury) - Gosh, this was one of those that took me by surprise. I was already interested about the 'new mainline Gundam series with its first female protagonist!'. The whole 'Witch from Mercury' title also sounded so cool. And after watching the prologue which left me in tears, I was already sold. Come first episode, I was absolutely not expecting the Utena inspirations, and my jaw dropped at that end with Miorine calling Suletta her groom. Seeing how their relationship changed from beginning to end was wonderful, and I love how much they complement each other. -Kumirei (Sound! Euphonium) - This one I know is a bit prickly nowadays, but I was keeping up with the anime as it aired, and it was something I wasn't expecting at all out of Eupho. The trailers and promo images had me going, "Okay, so KyoAni's doing K-On but with concert band. This'll be a cute slice of life to keep up with!" Wrong. I found Kumiko to be such a relatable protagonist with the whole being kind of scarred from pursuing something she enjoyed and growing to come off as nonchalant about it (playing the euphonium and then with what happened in middle school, wanting to distance herself from it), and then when given that spark (in the form of Reina), she grows to find the drive to genuinely want to stick with her craft and improve. That scene where Kumiko runs to the bridge repeating "umaku naritai" was so powerful, I felt. I loved the dynamic between her and Reina, and while I understand a lot of frustrations people felt with season 2, I do enjoy re-watching the series seeing how they grow and influence one another. Special shout-out to the other Eupho ships, AsuKao and NozoMizo (have you SEEN Liz to Aoi Tori??? One of my all-time favorite movies) -Widowtracer (Overwatch) - This gets a mention because while I was always a fan of things, I never really participated in fandom until getting into this niche part of the Overwatch fandom. While my excitement for OW2 died after all that had happened, I'm happy to have made some close friends during what I felt was the height of all the OW excitement, and it was through there that I got a similar drive to Kumiko (mentioned in the above ship) in that I got back into drawing and wanted to seriously improve.

First Ship Ever: oh gosh, I think it was back in high school? Haruhi and Mori from Ouran High School Host Club.

Last Song: Black Classical Music ft. Venna & Charlie Stacey by Yussef Dayes. From Yussef's latest album. If you're into jazz, definitely give this album a listen.

Last Movie: Joyland.

Currently Reading: Dancing at the Edge of the World: Thoughts on Words, Women, Places. It's a collection of talks, essays, and more from my favorite author, Ursula K. LeGuin. I always enjoy her talks and essays, and while not my favorite collection, it's still a good read (highly recommend The Wave in the Mind: Talks and Essays on the Writer, the Reader, and the Imagination - that would be my favorite collection of her talks and essays)

Currently Playing: Baldur's Gate 3

Currently Watching: For the currently-airing season of anime, Sousou no Frieren (been reading the manga, so this was my most-hyped for the fall season of anime!) and Overtake!. Also waiting on Apothecary Diaries to start airing. Had recently wrapped up Undead Girl Murder Farce from last season, and that was such a fun series.

Currently Consuming: trying out this mango mead from B. Nektar

Currently Craving: a burger from my hometown

People I want to know better but don't have to participate: I'm a bit shy to tag some people, so I will refrain

[toonjazzy]

Jean is absolutely confused by Stacey half the time but he just goes “Oh my god that’s so hot…” to everything

STACEY WILL DO SOMETHING THAT’S NOT EVEN ALL THAT AND HE’LL FUCKING STARE AT HER ALL MESMERIZED.

Stacey: *Eats a pizza all messily*

Jean: :0

Stacey: ……Jean, I can hear your thoughts right now O///O

Jean: >////<

Or like…

Stacey: *Talking about their first date* All we did was run off to Overlook Tower and draw all over the walls and gaze at the stars and talk about basic biology and race each other all over Picnic Road. I’m starting to feel like I didn’t plan anything special like he always does…

Jean talking about it: BEST FIRST DATE EVER!!!!!! I’M SO IN LOVEEEE!!!! I’M IN LOVE, I DON’T CARE WHO HEARS IT!!!! 🥰

[jodilin65]

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 31, 1995 Switched the EC from vent to cool. Tom just went to the racetrack. His parents won’t be there cuz his dad’s really sick, but David will more than likely be there.

This weekend has been going great. Just fantastic. Yesterday after we screwed, I was thinking, yup, that woman was right. I’ll never have a child if that means making him happy. That’s still OK with me, but still too bad in a way. I still do firmly believe this, but I’ve learned something new about Tom that was hard for me to not only learn but to do when we slept in separate rooms. He’s definitely not kidding when he told me that the best time for him to screw is when he first gets up. That way his body’s relaxed, yet revived. We screwed again this morning and if I said that he was faking being as close as he was, I’d definitely be lying. That was certainly no act on his part. I don’t know how I can tell, but I just can.

If only things can stay this good! Oh, I hope they do! I’m gonna do everything in my power to see that they do. Not only is the sex improving little by little, just when I didn’t think it was going to and the frequency of it is going up, but there’s something else that’s improved. He says he has me to thank for it.

I also called my mother who says she’s gotten to the point where she doesn’t think about smoking. I don’t know if that’s the truth, but I’m still so envious, cuz whether or not she thinks of it or not, she wouldn’t lie about it being just about a month that she hasn’t smoked. God, I wish I could do that!

Yesterday we checked AOL to see if there was an updated list of Norah’s movies. There was no additional information about her and we couldn’t find where to send any letters.

This morning Tom and I filmed me fingerspelling the alphabet for him to learn it.

Oh, I forgot to write about what he said he has me to thank for. Well, you know I’ve said that he says he’s gonna do all kinds of things that he just never gets around to doing or does them much much later than he said he would. Not lately. He’s really been making a move on things. He did some serious back room work and he cleared off my drawing table. I also didn’t think he was gonna get around to the fingerspelling so soon. He says that the reason why he has me to thank for it is cuz of the idea I had to try the Slim-Fast stuff. He’s been on it and he says it really makes him feel so much more motivated and energetic. Well, I’m glad he got the idea and I hope it continues to work for him.

Later…

I just watched Little House on the Prairie and before that, I made some fried chicken wings.

I know there’s something else we did yesterday that I’m forgetting to write about, but I can’t think of what it is.

Both my forearms are sore today from trimming the bushes that are right behind the clothesline. I don’t mind hanging clothes out and all and it gives me more to do. However, the bushes were overgrown and in the way before. Especially when I’d hang out sheets. Tom trimmed the bushes out front.

I don’t know if this is what I was forgetting to mention, but we discussed having a tag sale in 2 or 3 weeks. We’d sell mainly old ancient computer stuff. Plus, my old microwave.

Later…

Andy just said that it was definitely still over with Pam, although he’d have liked to have been able to work it out. Well, that happens, even though that’s life and there’s only so much he can do about it. I didn’t want the shit that happened to happen with Donna, Rosemarie, Ellie, that butch and Stacey over at the Vista Ventana, but shit happens. When people do shit to you, there’s only so much you can do on your part. The rest has to be up to them, cuz it takes two to be friends as well as lovers. I’m just very grateful that Tom and I can work out our differences and I know I won’t always feel bad about him not wanting a child. It may not appear to be so from what I’ve written, but it’s already beginning to get easier to deal with. I feel that I’m blessed enough and that most people will never have all I have. I may wish I could quit smoking, have a child and whatever else at times, but you win some and you lose some. Tom was right when he said all you can do is just try.

Later…

The trick-or-treaters are out there now. The sun’s just about completely set. We turned the front light off and locked the screen door. So, if anyone’s dumb enough to ring the bell or knock we’ll just ignore it.

Tom’s working on his computer next to me right now. He didn’t win at the tracks but had fun.

His dad’s in the hospital with pneumonia and will probably be there for a few days.

I just took a bath. Earlier Tom trimmed half an inch off my hair and in two months I’ll have him do that again.

In a couple of hours, I’ll be recording a couple of movies.

Andy said he was worried about his roommate Michelle. I guess she’s been very depressed. She’s mega fat and owes just over a grand in bills. However, her expenses are barely $300 a month, her father sends her $300 a month to help her out and she’s got a full-time job, so why she’s so miserable beats Andy. I just told him that it could be any number of things. Maybe she’s struggling with coming out. Andy says that in his heart of hearts, he feels she’s gay and how many 20-year-old virgins are there in today’s world?

He also had a dream that really impressed him since he’s always been rather wimpy. Well, in the dream, he, Michelle, and his friend Adam from Massachusetts who’s soon to be moving to San Diego in real life were walking down a street at night in his dream. They ended up going through a bad neighborhood infested with gangs, only they didn’t know it. A group of about 8 or 10 people came walking up to him and there were 2 leaders. A guy and a blond chick who looked like Madonna’s type. Michelle told them not to start shit with them cuz Andy would kick their asses. Well, Andy fought the chick and the guy and won. Michelle and Adam were thrilled saying they knew Andy could do it and Andy was shocked, but proud of himself as well as grateful.

They have this really good new gum flavor, cotton candy.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 30, 1995 Yesterday was a good day and today’s been good so far, too.

I still feel runny and itchy a bit, but I know it’s normal to have some itch. Even Tom gets itchy every now and then and puts hydrocortisone cream on. I guess it’s that time of the month when I’m supposed to run.

Anyway, I’ve been constipated yesterday and today, so my stomach’s been showing and feeling that.

I spoke to Kim who left a message last night. She said she’s doing OK, but she ended up having to have more surgery than originally planned and she did have to stay in the hospital for a few days. The doctor says she can still have kids, but I just don’t see it. She said if the problem comes back, she’ll have to have a hysterectomy and that could be in two weeks, or several years or never. She said she doesn’t think she’ll have any problems for several years and after she has kids, then she’ll probably have to get a hysterectomy.

She also said she finally told her mother about the babysitter that molested her when she was 6 or 7. Her mother was very supportive, so that’s good. She could’ve been in denial and tried to tell Kim that it never could’ve or did happen at all. She said she had a feeling since it happened that something did happen, but she couldn’t remember what or who or how till right before she met me when she was 21. I was the first one she told. I guess repressed memory is for real after all. I was wondering about that idea. She also says that she has a feeling that something happened with a distant family member when she was 11, but can’t remember right now. She feels that she’ll be able to remember it in time.

Anyway, she’s just taking it easy. She’s to be out of work for 3 weeks and is cranking out tons of letters.

She and Doug are still doing well and she says she knows she’ll end up marrying him. They haven’t set a date yet.

Tom and I did some work on the back room earlier. He did some work in the little room and I sorted the file box.

Like I said, he went down on me yesterday, then later we screwed. He proved to me all the more that screwing was never intended to be just for him or for us. It was supposed to be for him cuz I had been taken care of and I said he could go at his own pace, I still enjoy it and it was his turn. Sure enough, I had a hard time getting him hard with my hand, then when I got him hard enough and he went in there he wasn’t into it at all. He wasn’t in there very long at all. He insisted that it’s just that he “likes variety.” Sometimes he likes it short, sometimes he likes it long. Yeah, right. How much do you want to bet that if I was so horny and was gonna take care of myself while he was in there, there’d have been no problem getting him hard if it was for me? Then right after I’d cum he’d pull out. I never thought I’d meet anyone more scared than I am to have a kid.

That’s all for now. I think I’ll break for a cigarette, then I’ll write more later.

Later…

Tom finally got my drawing table cleared off so I washed that down and set it up nicely.

I just made pork chops and baked potatoes and now I’m waiting for the mail.

Earlier we changed Piggy’s cage and yesterday we agreed that today we’d do some research on Norah and see how I can find out about her and maybe even send a letter. I don’t know if he’s still gonna be up to that, though. If I do send a letter, that’ll be the first letter I’ve sent a celebrity in years. I sent Linda two letters years ago when I was in my teens but I never heard from her. I did hear from Kim Basinger and Nicolette Larson, though. Those are the only people I ever sent letters to. Why I sent anything to Kim Basinger beats me. I was never attracted to her and I never was a fan of her movies. I wasn’t attracted to Nicolette either, although I have one album of hers that I always loved, and I loved the long hair she used to have. She was one of those singers who was here today and gone tomorrow.

I never sent anything to Gloria and I never would. She’s too big of a star and I’d never hear anything from her. Stars that big don’t even hear about their fan letters, let alone read them. I’ll bet that the only time they hear about them is if there’s something different, weird or threatening about them.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 29, 1995 I got up about an hour ago and Tom was still up. He’s been up for 24 hours. He said it’s good for him to break up the monotony and do that every now and then. The thing I envy about the guy is that he can throw himself back on track for work or whatever he needs to whenever he wants to. I wish I could do that. This would throw my whole schedule off for God knows how long if I had to maintain his schedule.

Anyway, there’s not much to report at this time. Just that Andy’s having a hard time with Pam who he’s been friends with for around two years. He was friends with her and her husband. He met them at his old complex over in Glendale and they still live there. Apparently, after having a good honest friendship with Pam and John, Pam scammed Andy by giving him shitty pot. She supposedly swapped bags and he ended up out $5 and with shitty weed. So, he told her that the money wasn’t the principal of the point, it was her intentionally lying to him.

He’s the opposite of me. When I’m pissed or upset with someone, I like to get it off my chest ASAP and confront the source, or else it’ll eat and eat at me. He likes to wait at least 48 hours so he can cool down and not say mean, hurtful things. So, he wrote his feelings to her in a letter without any threats, saying he knew what she did, it was wrong, but that they hoped they could work it out after such a good friendship. Well, she didn’t want to work it out. She left about 10 threatening messages on his machine and even went to his boss at work with a copy of the letter trying to get him fired for doing drugs. His boss, though, said that whatever Andy does out of work is his business and that he’s not gonna be fired.

Andy also said, thanks, but he won’t be needing that check.

Later…

Tom went to take a 4-hour nap which will be over within an hour.

Yesterday he said that if he was a smoker like I was who had tried to quit several times and didn’t succeed, it’d make him more determined to quit. I wish I had that attitude, but instead, it makes me want to give up more. I asked him if that meant that he was all the more determined to have a kid and he said yes. Yeah, right!

Meanwhile, I just did a big load of laundry which is now out on the line to dry. After I wake Tom up I’ll do the sheets and hang those out, too.

I finished typing the letter I had begun to my parents 3 days ago and I also did one for Kim, Bob and Tammy.

After Tom gets up he’s gonna go to the store and pick up some groceries. Will we have sex? That’s doubtful.

Their clocks went back in the east so they’re now 2 hours ahead instead of 3.

Later…

Tom just showed me something really cool that you can do with the CDs you play. Not only can I play them in random order, but I can select the tracks I want. That way I won’t be surprised by the shitty songs.

I tried to go as long as I could without smoking. I only went for 4 hours. Wowee, huh? Tom said that at least I tried. Anyway, the day’s been going OK. Tom even went down on me and we’ll probably screw later.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 28, 1995 I should’ve fucking known better! Why the fuck did I have to go and tell Tom? Why? I ruined everything. I thought maybe, just maybe he’d understand. Instead, I did a really horrible thing, I broke our agreement which is off, he says, and also that there is no “us” right now even though we both gave our word that we would be married for life, not to mention all the other mean and untrue things he said.

I made the phone call cuz I felt like I was gonna freak and maybe do something stupid. All I wanted was someone to talk to and to calm down. I didn’t want to call him at work or involve Andy, Tammy or anyone else that we know. All I wanted was someone’s opinion, yet he says I’m lying to myself over the reasons why I called and he can’t trust me and I’ve lost a big part of him.

Over a phone call? Over a stupid phone call that I really wish to hell I never made, we have to throw it all away? The agreement and God knows what else? I know he’s doing this to punish me.

He said part of our agreement was to not talk to anyone till April of ‘97 if we had no luck on our own. I knew that but I didn’t know that meant not talking to someone at a medical info line. I didn’t set up a doctor’s appointment. He tells me that he doesn’t get his way, yet if I step out of line, it’s over and he has to dwell on it for days. Can’t he say to himself, “She didn’t mean to hurt me, made an honest mistake that she says she won’t make again, but we can just move on?”

He tells me to move forward after a bad day or thing has occurred and not to throw things away if I’ve made a mistake, but yet we can’t continue with our agreement. We have to come up with a whole new agreement which is so stupid and unnecessary. Knowing him he’ll make it April of ‘98 to punish me, even though he insists he wouldn’t punish me, doesn’t want to blame anyone, etc. Well, I sure feel blamed. Right now I feel like everything’s my fault and I fucked up this marriage even though I’d never try to. Can you imagine if I were to deliberately try to fuck up this marriage? I wouldn’t have to try hard at all now, would I?

What hurtful untrue things did he say? Well, according to him he makes 90% of his meals which is really more like 40% - 50%. And he says that I do for me and he does for us. Then why do I constantly ask if he needs anything or would like me to do anything? Why do I cook for him? Why do I do the grocery list? Why do I clean the house? The house that he also lives in. Why did I do the signing stuff? Why did I do a lot of things that I could go on and on with? Who does he think he’s kidding?

Not surprisingly at all (probably cuz this woman was right) he said this woman I spoke to was a quack for telling me what she thought of the situation without knowing all the facts. I told him she did say that she’s no expert in the matter, doesn’t know all there is to know about us and can only offer her theories about the matter. He said the reason why he was afraid of my going to a counselor is cuz he’s afraid they’ll want to drug me up and that’ll shatter my life after I’ve made so much progress. But this makes no sense! Why would they want to drug me up?

He says I believe authority figures. Well, let me set the record straight - if there’s anyone I don’t trust it is authority figures, and if a doctor suggested meds to me, I’d just walk out of their office. Not go off the deep end.

It’s not that I ever wanted to see a counselor and thought that that would necessarily be the answer to our problems cuz I believe that only we can work this out and that if we can’t, a therapist isn’t gonna do it. A medical doctor would do it. One that can get his sperm into me somehow, but trust me on this one, never before have I felt this turned off by this man in almost every way you can imagine. I don’t want to have sex with him, I don’t want to be a singer, I don’t want to have a kid. I don’t want to do anything but stay just the way I am. I may as well have his attitude and say hey, I made a mistake singing yesterday, so fuck it. I’ll just throw it away. I don’t want to do anything with him right now and I really think I’ll be feeling that way for a long time. I don’t even want to sit in the same room with the guy right now. According to him, I’m mean, selfish, unloving and on and on. Well, I have no desire to get close to or do anything with someone that says this. How dare he say I lie to myself while he lies to my face with such comments like “I do for me and he does for us.”

Never before have I been so determined to keep my mouth shut when the tiniest thing is bothering me. It’s worth exploding over by keeping it bottled up. I’ll never call no medical info line, I’ll never call no crisis center and I’ll certainly never talk to him. I really feel like he’s treating me like I killed someone. I may as well have done just that!

Meanwhile, he says that nothing he feels has changed with him. That’s funny that he could say that after saying our agreement’s off. That really makes me feel that he just may be telling the truth about wanting a kid. What it really tells me is that he’s told me the truth and has confessed to me that my doubts about him were true.

I just hope he goes out today and stays far the hell away from me. Even if he woke up and told me he jumped the gun and that we should move forward and forget what was an honest mistake on my part - no way! And personally? I don’t feel that phone call was a mistake. I feel it was a mistake to tell him about it. That’s for damn sure. Meanwhile, I had a right to seek information and opinions. I didn’t publish my fears, doubts and questions in a newspaper. I called a medical nurse.

Later…

I just listened to music for a little bit, but my stomach’s really bothering me. I can’t seem to #2 right now, even though I feel like I need to.

He just got up, I don’t feel like talking and am still pretty tired. I think I’ll go lie down.

Later…

Mr. Can’t Do No Wrong is up now. Now here’s a classic example of doing for oneself, but not for both of us. He told me a few days ago that he was gonna go on the Slim-Fast diet today. He did. It’s funny, though, how he can stick to that. That’s more important than our agreement.

This morning he asked if he could get me anything and if I wasn’t going to talk to him. I just told him that there was nothing to say. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to talk about anything.

Later…

Tom just left to go do that electrical work for Evelyn. He told me that he canceled his work tomorrow with Eldon, but didn’t mention the 5th. All he mentioned was having to call him back. He tried this morning, but couldn’t get ahold of him.

Anyway, we did end up talking some more cuz I know that’s what he wanted. I’ll still always end up regretting it and wishing I’d kept my mouth shut.

He still sees me as selfish, spoiled and that what I did yesterday was wrong and breaking our agreement. I see it as trying to help us and what’s wrong with a couple trying to get help sooner than later? I wasn’t making an appointment to see a doctor. Yes, he insists that what I did was as good as doing that cuz I was trying to help us sooner. What’s wrong with trying to help us sooner to ensure that all the more we wouldn’t have to go to a doctor? I can’t help the way I feel about it and he said I have a right to feel the way I feel about it. Yet, in the next breath, he said the problem was that I still believed that what I did was OK. I swear I’ll never do another thing to try to help us. He still insists that he wants a kid, that we could’ve had one by now and that we will, but I really think this is his way of letting me know that I was right about suspecting that he didn’t want one and to him, this is a way out of it.

There’s always no opportunity for him. There’s always an excuse for him. This is what I get for praying? Yesterday after I spoke to the woman, I was still crying and I finally got up the nerve to pray after the OJ verdict for God to help us. Instead, the situation only gets worse. He says I blame God for a lot of shit and don’t take responsibility for my own actions. But I do believe God plays a part in a lot of the things in our lives, and I do take responsibility for my own actions. I never blamed anyone for the prank phone calls I’ve made whether or not the person I was calling shit on me or if they were total strangers. I picked up that phone all by myself and I never denied that or stuff I’ve chosen to do by myself whether they were right or wrong.

He says that neither of us should put time frames on stuff and that that’s wrong. Then why is it OK to put the September of ‘96 timeframe on when I’d have a CD out? What’s the difference?

It gets more bizarre. He told me he didn’t like our April of ‘97 agreement. Then why did he make it? I’m so sick of him denying things he says or him going back on his word. He said it was a compromise and that he felt it was the only thing we could do to get what we want. To get what we want, he can just cum, you know. That’d help, but can you understand how I no longer want a child with him? I told him I’d still have one if he ever decides he really wants that and is willing to put his actions where his mouth is, cuz I want to make him happy and the only way he seems to be happy, is if I do what he wants. I thank God that he’ll never cum no matter what I do or don’t say, I will not have a child with this man and I will not step foot into a doctor’s office even if he were to get down on his knees and beg me. We have enough to fight about as it is. There’s no way I’ll involve a child in it or live with the fears I’ll have about it if we did have a child. I refuse to give this man a child. He can have anything else he wants from me, but no child! I refuse to do anything to help us or discuss it, cuz it’ll only start fights.

He says I take fits cuz I can’t get what I want. He’s the one standing in the way of what I want. He took and ruined my dreams of having a child. I can’t see anything changing my mind about it now. Not at this point. He can play this game and lie to me all he wants about it. He tells me that my doubts and paranoias about him are all in my head. Are they? He could’ve fooled me. He has the nerve to say that my refusing to have a child is taking his desire to have a child away while I’ve told him that that’s what I want and he says he wants it too, then he doesn’t deliver. I feel that I’ve done all I can do to help us both and there’s nothing more I can do. I can’t make him cum or force him to give us a child.

He says he thought our sex life was getting better. He could’ve fooled me on that one, too.

I do want to follow through with the singing and the business but am afraid he’ll back out of it. I just can’t buy one thing he says to me. Not about the business, not about the singing, or the back room, or the bee machine, or the cigarette machine, and certainly not the kid. He just has too many goddamn mother-fucking excuses!

From now on, I’m just gonna keep my mouth shut, forget about my dreams and just go along with whatever he does. I’m tired of him never doing what he says he’s gonna do. I’m tired of him denying things I know he did say. I’m tired of him going back on his word and contradicting me. He swears this isn’t my fault, yet he may as well come out and tell me that everything is my fault. Sometimes I think that I’m nothing but a fuck-up and I’m the one that’s ruining this marriage, other times I think it’s him. Well, it’s getting more and more obvious that he’s been full of shit about the things he said he or we were gonna do. I’m completely powerless. He has all the power and control.

Later…

I just got done watching the bulk of a movie, then I’ll be taping another one. The liar will be home around noon. I think I’ll go work on 99 now.

Later…

Tom came home a couple of hours ago and said that since he’s had a chance to calm down he’d really like to continue on with making the marriage work as well as our dreams. I agree that I’d like the marriage to work, I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I feel that the dreams are in his hands and up to him.

Anyway, we’re both feeling a bit better and now I’ll go do some more work on 99 till he returns from picking up what he’s picking up for himself at Arby’s and for me at KFC.

It’s funny, though, cuz just the other day I wanted to type but couldn’t think of anything to really say. I guess that’s all changed between today and yesterday. One more thing before I go. I asked Tom why it’s OK to have a time frame set for the CD which is September of ‘97, not ‘96. I made a mistake on the year. He said that it’s OK to put time frames on certain things and other things it’s not good to do that cuz it puts pressure on him. Everyone’s different as to what is a good thing to put a time frame on and what isn’t. I’ll just go along with what he wants time frames on and what he doesn’t, cuz I feel that that’s pretty much the only way it can be. He also told me what the difference between a goal and a deadline was in his opinion.

I still say that the bottom line is that I feel that in order to stay with this man that I love for the rest of my life, that does mean never having a kid. I’m not saying he’s not worth it, I’m just saying I’ll always feel he was full of shit about having a kid till the day I die.

He also insisted that I refuse to be proven wrong as far as how I say we can’t ever have a kid for whatever reason or reasons. I think he’s using that as an excuse to cover for his never intending to cum. Among other excuses, too.

Later…

Tom just showed me a couple of really cool things on the computer. He showed me how to get back one keystroke or one click of the mouse that you deleted. I wish I had known that today when I accidentally hit the enter key on one of the page numbers. It caused the computer to crash when I did that, but luckily I didn’t save it that way and after I re-booted my stuff came up just the way it was supposed to be. Before it was mixed up.

Also, I was wrong in saying that Tom never touches those magazine articles I typed up for him. He says he doesn’t use them a lot but he does here and there and he did today to show me how to index some stuff and how the hidden text thing works.

It’s so cool how you can hide stuff within a document. For example, if I’m typing a story, I can leave notes to myself and mark them hidden. Then if I want to check my notes, I can display any hidden text.

Right now he’s working on the TV descrambler.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 27, 1995 Boy, did I get the surprise of my life last night. Tom really did wake me up. We didn’t screw, though, and all he did was touch me, but I really thought he was joking. He said that this was a start. He said he had been afraid that if he woke me up I’d get mad. But I only would if he did it constantly or when I was tired and he knows this.

He saved a message from Eldon that I think he only saved hoping I’d hear it. He already has his number written down, so why else would he save it but for what I’m about to write about? Eldon had to cancel their get-together this Sunday and make it next Sunday which is the 5th. He thinks that I’m mid-cycle on the 5th, and I’ve been saying that I think something’s trying to get in our way (besides himself for not cumming). So, I think this is his way of rubbing it in and teasing me with the subject. There are two reasons why I think he won’t cum at the times of the month that it’s very unlikely to conceive. One is cuz there’s still a very slight chance. Two is cuz then it’d look more obvious that he was trying to avoid my getting pregnant.

Anyway, he told me to wake him up at 5 which is in 10 minutes. Then he’ll bang himself hard till he conks out or gets a cramp or whatever the chosen excuse will be for this morning. He can’t go down on me till at least after work. The last of the crotch cream is still making its way out.

I hope Kim’s doing OK. She’s probably on her way out of the hospital at this time since it’s 8:00 there. I can’t see her able to drive herself home from her mother’s, though. She said this operation would have more pain involved than the last and the last time she said she couldn’t move from her mother’s place for a couple of days.

Well, it’s nice to know that instead of going out to the mall with a phony, controlling backstabber (Jenny), then back to a cold, snowy dive as I was on this day 8 years ago, I can have sex and enjoy doing the things I do in a house where it’s safe and the weather’s gorgeous. It’s not gonna be gorgeous, though, for a few more hours.

Karson hasn’t called after those two times she called, so that’s good.

Today I’m gonna vacuum and do the bathroom, but right now it’s time to get off and get him hard!

Later…

Well, I did just what I said I was gonna do. I got him hard, but I didn’t get off. He was just so hard that I couldn’t reach enough of my clit. He was hard instantly. Of course, he isn’t gonna cum with the way he goes about screwing. He speeds up a bit then right as he’s about to go over the edge he stops for about 30 seconds and does this over and over. We screwed on his hard bed which I wasn’t sure if I could ever do, but we both like it better on the waterbed. Then he went to the bathroom which is where he probably got his relief.

He said swapping Andy a check for cash would be no problem if he needs it. Andy says he doubts he’ll need it, but will let me know by Sunday. He’ll have to have it post-dated for the 6th if he does and his appointment is on the 30th. He’s gonna get his gums scaled and they want the first half up front which is $140.

I probably won’t be having my teeth done till next year and I hope to hell they hold out till then. So far, so good and that upper right wisdom tooth hasn’t been bothering me.

I just asked Tom if he wanted me to make his second sandwich and he insisted he’ll make it. I wonder why? Probably so he cannot close the breadboard all the way. He knows that gets on my nerves. I like cabinets, drawers, etc., shut tight. It looks better that way. But, like I’ve said before, he likes for me to tidy up after him.

I might start another story today. I don’t know. I have to be in the right mood and frame of mind for that.

I called AOL but had no messages from Alex.

Andy said that Michelle said that that’s very normal to have to wait this long for Gloria’s fan club stuff. She’s waited 2-4 years for different fan clubs herself and hasn’t always gotten everything they were supposed to send her. It’s been over a year now if I remember correctly. I’m just curious to see what they’re gonna send. Maybe I’ll know in another year.

Before I go listen to music, what was Tom’s excuse this morning? Just that he had to hurry up and get his day started. It’s just now 6:00 and he doesn’t have to leave till 7:30. This game of his is getting really old. Sometimes I just want to come out and say, “No sex if you’re not gonna do it right.” This is really getting to be quite insulting as used to it as I am and as much as I know that this is how it’ll always be.

Later…

Tom shut the breadboard, so I guess he just wanted to move around more to wake himself up more and that’s why he made his sandwich. Anyway, he’s in the shower now.

I mentioned how we’ll have Saturday and Monday together, and he said yes, we will, and all the time in between. I thought he was then gonna come out and say that he wasn’t doing Eldon’s computer work till the 5th, but he didn’t. I guess he must’ve talked to Eldon and they kept it for this Sunday.

At this time 8 years ago Jenny came over to make us that toast and coffee. I can remember the feeling too, of how I felt so groggy from all the medication I was on. I was on a high dose of Navane still at that time.

I’m calling the weather line now to see what they have to say. The current temperature is 54º. It’s to be in the upper 80s for the next two days, they say.

Time to go feed the birds as I’m sure they’re waiting upon the electrical lines for their birdseed.

Later…

Same routine. They were up on the lines and as soon as I came back in after putting their food out, they dove for it. About 60 birds are going at it out there.

Later…

All the food is gone and so are the birds. However, they hang out there on and off all day looking for seeds that have fallen to the ground from trees.

I am so very, very upset now. Perhaps I’m more upset and confused than I ever have been before. I’m so overwhelmed with things to write about now, that I’m not sure where to begin. I’ll begin at the beginning, I guess, and try to remember everything I want to say. They say that if something’s too good to be true, it probably isn’t. Well, now I fear that my husband who’s what most women dream of may be lying all the more about not wanting a kid.

First of all, why did he tell me that therapy sessions cost hundreds of dollars unless you’re on medication? I called and asked them and they said it’s a $10 co-payment just like regular doctor’s visits.

Anyway, I called and ask a nurse again to see if I’d get a different nurse and to see what their theory was about our sex life. It was a different nurse, alright, and I certainly didn’t want to hear what she had to say about it, but I had to hear it at the same time.

Now I just don’t know who to believe anymore. My husband or this professional who says she’s been through it herself.

Let me tell you what she told me she went through first. She said she was with a guy who she thought would never lie to her and who was great all around. He said he wanted a kid just like she did. Not only couldn’t he get off, but he couldn’t get hard, either. Finally, he let go once, she got pregnant and he split.

Now how do you suppose this is supposed to make me feel, even though this might not happen to all of us? It happens to most women and she too, never thought he’d leave any more than I think Tom would leave if I were pregnant.

She told me all her theories about it which are just what I’ve wondered about. When I asked her if I could be right since I’ve had this nagging feeling about him not wanting a child, she said that they say those gut instincts are usually correct.

She said that he could knowingly not want a child, but is saying he does cuz he knows it’s what I want.

When I think back on it I remember how he told me up front he really was doubtful of wanting a child. Then the more he could see that I wanted one, he began to go along with it.

Maybe he’s tried and is trying in his own subtle little ways to tell me he doesn’t want one cuz he doesn’t have the heart to tell me bluntly, even though he swears he would and that’s what I would need and want him to do.

But when I think back on comments he’s made like, “What are you gonna do? Go out and cheat on me?” after I said I was gonna do all I could do to get us that child we say we want. And, “All that’s standing in the way of going back east is money.” Like he knows I won’t be pregnant. And when I’ve confronted him with such comments he either insists I misunderstood him or doesn’t remember saying whatever.

She also said that there could be other factors he’s thinking like, would I be a good father? Can we afford it?

I know he doesn’t like anything to get in the way of our time together.

She also said he could have a subconscious fear or stress about it that even he isn’t aware of.

I told her that I’m trying my best to not pressure him about it and she said she felt that while she could understand that, at the same time that shouldn’t interfere with a guy functioning sexually unless they do have a fear that they either know or don’t know about.

What she says makes sense, but I just don’t know who to believe. I want to believe my husband, but it’s getting harder to do.

She too, can’t understand how he can be happy with our sex life the way it is and believes he’s probably relieving himself in the bathroom or wherever.

She told me, “I don’t know him, I can’t see into his eyes or hear his voice or know everything about you two, but I don’t think this will go away on its own, although I hope I’m wrong.”

When I told her about our agreement for April of ‘97 she asked how can he know that everything will be OK by then? I told her he said he wouldn’t bet his life on anything but feels that things are getting better and that anytime from now till then, we should be able to have a kid ourselves with no problems. She said she thought that due to it being more than likely to not go away on its own that we should see a counselor, or even just me by myself if he won’t go. She thinks that that can very well help us to enable ourselves to have a kid on our own even better.

She told me she didn’t think the problem was me and asked me if I thought the problem was me. I told her sometimes I think that, but mostly I think it’s his fear that’s the problem.

I believe that therapy could help us both too, and that if it didn’t it couldn’t hurt, but I’m so afraid to bring it up to him. I really don’t think a kid is worth his taking the time out to go to a therapist and I really think it’s more important to spare his embarrassment, rather than to get help having a kid. At least that’s what I think he feels. How can I let him know that I just want to do all I can to help us? How can I let him know that I just want to do all I can to help us get the things we want? How can I let him know this without him feeling I’m trying to attack him or fight with him? How do I tell him it’s OK to see a therapist and do the things that I suggest will help us as well as the things he suggests will help us? How do I tell him he doesn’t have to be ashamed or embarrassed to talk to a professional who just wants to help us too, if that’s how he truly feels?

She said that if I don’t do anything about it and it doesn’t get better, then I’ll never have a child and I’ll be giving up something that I want to make him happy. But I want to make him happy. I don’t want to force him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. I’d rather spend my life with him with no kid, than with someone else with a kid, but how do we find a way to compromise?

We both say we want a kid and that now’s a good time, so why don’t we start doing whatever it’ll take now? Why must we wait? Why can’t we go to a therapist to achieve one of two things: either him being able to admit he doesn’t want one or us taking action towards having a kid if it’s what we both want?

Why must we wait or stall and why do I have a feeling that in April of ‘97 if things do stay the same as I fear, yet believe they will that he’ll do all he can to stall or avoid the doctors?

How do I know he isn’t truly playing with my head on just this issue and having a blast doing it? How do I know that something bad or hurtful didn’t happen in his past? What if he had a kid with someone else? He does seem to know an awful lot about kids. Can he really learn all this just by what others say? I suppose he can, but I just want to know who to believe! Can anyone help us? Please, God, I don’t want to go on like this, but I don’t want to lose my husband either.

What do I do?

He said if I took the injection he’d feel spited, yet I feel spited by this. I just need to know the truth, no matter what it is. I need to know he’ll do all he can do to help us and I want to do all I can do to help us.

I want to believe in him and trust him with this as I do with everything else he tells me.

And by the way, this nurse says the opposite of that injection. She says some women have very heavy and irregular periods with it. Forget it.

I just don’t know what to do. I know that if I hold it in, it’ll keep the peace between us, but it may not ever help us to not deal with it and face it and get help with it. Especially if he has a fear he won’t confess to and all the more especially if he’s got something going on psychologically that he’s unaware of. I just want to help him. I just want to help us. How can I let him lovingly know this? I don’t want to hurt, change or fight with him. I just want this problem resolved. Not in a year and a half or 2 or 5 or 10, but now. We’ve lived like this long enough and I would want it resolved even if we both admitted to never wanting a child, cuz I love my husband and I care about us both enough to want us to have a normal and happy life in and out of bed.

I still can’t think of the best thing to do. A part of me wants to just try to forget it and never bring it up again. Not even if he doesn’t bring up going to see a doctor when April of ‘97 comes. The other part of me wants to say to him, “Hey, look. I love you and this is why I’m doing this. I just want to help us and I’m sorry if that gets you upset in any way or if you think I’m trying to pick on you.”

Sometimes I feel like we both don’t believe each other.

There is another thing that I didn’t mention that could possibly be going through Tom’s head whether he knows it or not that he could fear. I really doubt he’s worried he’d be a good father. I know he’d be a good father and I asked him if he thought he would be and he said yes. Perhaps he fears that I’d be a bad mother, but doesn’t want to admit that to me. Or maybe it’s nagging at his subconscious.

Anyway, I feel trapped with this just like I do with the cigarettes. I have different ideas that go through my head to try to achieve my goals or help us achieve something we want, only to fail at whatever I try or to be unable to do what ideas I have.

Why is it that my life has been full of one long-term issue after another to have to deal with? Why do I always have to be facing situations that are unusual or that just have me feeling so helpless? I feel like I’ve got a million different choices I could make and I just don’t know where to turn.

Tom said he wants to do more of what he wants and that he feels controlled. Well, I feel like I should be doing more of what he wants, to hell with my needs, wants and desires and I feel controlled, too. I feel like I have to sacrifice something I want very much to make him happy. If that’s what I must do, I can and will do it, but I’d need to know this. I’m tired of wondering, guessing and being suspicious. I don’t want my head played with. I don’t want to be hurt and I certainly don’t want to hurt Tom or play with his head.

In a way I wish I never called this woman cuz I fear so much that she could be right. I hope she’s not, but I can’t help what my gut’s been telling me and my gut’s been pretty accurate when it comes to the more serious or personal issues that this is what makes it all the scarier.

Should I forget all about it, assume Tom doesn’t want a kid by what his actions have shown and insist we use rubbers?

Or should I insist that we do all we can do to help us ASAP? Even if it does mean both of us or one of us (believe me I prefer it to a team thing, though) going to someone and spilling it out to them? Like I said before, if it doesn’t help us, how can it hurt us? I guess that the worst that could happen is that one or both of us don’t like or agree with what the counselor could say. Or we could both like and agree with what they could say, but it doesn’t help us at all. Would seeing a counselor really help to ensure that we could have a child on our own without going to see a doctor?

I’m so afraid to bring this up with Tom. To him, his weekend will be ruined if I do. Why does he have to see it that way, though? I thought that it’s natural for two people who want the same thing to discuss stuff like this and talk about doing whatever it took and talk about the things they like or are interested in all they want. I mention the singing to him constantly and it doesn’t bother him. We’ve discussed all kinds of things that the two of us could do to try to make the business take off as well as to get me known as the singer I’ve always wanted to be and it’s never seemed to upset him in any way. I swear I could talk about the singing triple the amount of time I talk about the kid and it wouldn’t upset him. If I ask him if there’s something he could please do to help with the singing, he does it. He puts his actions where his mouth is. What’s the difference? He knows they both mean a lot to me. He’s always told me that my being happy is very important to him and I want so very much to believe that.

Should I ask him to try praying with me? I just hope that some kind of help comes to resolve this real soon cuz I’m stuck!!

Later…

At this point and for the rest of the day, I’m just taking it easy. I cried in between typing the pages about the shit that’s going on so I do feel a bit better even though the problem won’t go away. I guess there’s no real point in talking to Tom. I can’t get him to budge on this subject and it makes me ask myself, do I really want a child for a whole different reason? Do I want to make this guy do something he very, very very obviously doesn’t want to do? No. Do I want to have a child and have him say how much he’s looking forward to it just to leave me? No. People are full of surprises and it’s a chance I’d rather not take, regardless of how slim it may be, so there’s no point in talking to him or my doing anything so we can have a baby.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 26, 1995 Speaking of Sarah herself, I got a letter from her yesterday. A 4-page letter. She said she’ll write more soon enough. It was good to hear from her. She says she’s still hitting it off with this guy Tim and that my artwork was great. She also says she’s gonna be sending me a picture of her soon. I just typed her a 2½-page letter which I’ll mail out today.

Also, I got to talk to Kim a half-hour ago who’s leaving for Boston at 9:30 her time and is supposed to be under for surgery at 1 PM her time. The operation’s supposed to last an hour to an hour and a half. She’s to leave the hospital tomorrow morning. She says this one’s supposed to be more painful. That sucks. The last one was painful enough from what she described to me.

Karson called Andy too, but he’s gonna ignore her too.

Later…

I just got done listening to music and in half an hour I’ll be waking Tom up if he isn’t up before that.

That’s all that’s going on at the moment, so I’ll go and work some more on 99.

Later…

I just got Tom up and he’s now eating the spag I made yesterday.

He’s insisting that it’s not cold in here, but yes, it is. He fired up the back room wall heater.

He said he was bummed that he had to go do some electrical work for Evelyn this Saturday cuz that’s supposed to be our day. He says he doesn’t like anything getting in the way of our time. That’s part of God’s plan, I reminded him, and that tells me that I was right on one of the many reasons I thought he could have for not wanting a kid. That kid would certainly get in the way of our time. Believe me, though, I don’t like that idea, either. I asked him why he didn’t say no, and he said it’s cuz we need the money even though it’s only gonna be about $10 and it’ll only take an hour.

I asked him again if he’s sure he doesn’t want me to work this winter. Money will be tight till the end of the year and he said no cuz we’ve got plans to sell programs and get me singing. Let’s hope so. I do not want a child this broke and I told him so. He says it’ll only be for a few months and that a kid takes 9 months to arrive, but you know where I stand with that. I know love is more important, but I still want us to be able to support it properly.

Oh, my God, I do not believe it. Tom just said that I should try not to be up when he gets home. Then after I’ve slept a few hours and he’s eaten and digested his food, he’ll wake me up for fun. That’d be cool, then all I have to do is hope I get to bed soon after so my schedule is not fouled up for the weekend.

I’ll have to tell Tom since his waking me up for it is new, that I may not act too into it, but I will be and that’s a perfect time for sex to be “just for him.” Also, with a few minutes of getting a back rub afterward, I may fall back asleep better, then I’ll spoil him this weekend.

Later…

I just let Tom know what I just said in the paragraph up above and he said, “I’m not saying what I will or won’t do. I just want to spend some time with you and please don’t make it into something I don’t want to do.”

I forgot. That’s right. He likes spontaneity. Well, there won’t be sex then, since I mentioned it. That’s OK. I enjoy it more when I’m awake.

I’m making a TV dinner now since I’m 104 pounds. I realized I had two choices. To either starve or to give up. Right now I’m giving up, but I’ll tell you what Tom had to say about it later.

Later…

I just ate the TV dinner and after I finish the cigarette I’m smoking, I’m gonna go listen to music.

Tom reminded me of how my weight fluctuated when I first lost all that weight 10 years ago and says that’s normal.

Kim just left for Boston and she’ll get there right before 11 AM. She’s driving her car with her mother who’ll drive her car back to South Deerfield. Then, her aunt, who has to go through Boston anyway, will bring her to her mom’s house in South Deerfield tomorrow. Then Kim will take her car from her mom’s place back to her apartment which is only a mile away. I hope she’ll be well enough to drive even a mile.

Bob’s gonna be going nuts cuz she told him not to write to her till she returns and he hears from her just like the last time. I know she doesn’t want her mother or her grandmother to know she’s associated with Bob due to getting hit with questions, but according to her, it’s her neighbor who picks up her mail. Remember, though, it’s a small town where everyone knows everyone else’s business, so that’s probably why.

I just listened to music and now Tom’s in the shower. He’ll be taking off for work in just under an hour. Then, I’ll probably start some singing, but right now I’ll go feed the birds. Actually, I’m gonna take a shower as soon as he leaves, cuz I’m a grub and I need to shave and wash my hair.

Later…

I thought to myself as I just opened the door, are the birds there yet? Sure enough, they were all waiting on the electrical lines, so I just ran out and fed them. It’s freezing! It will be for the next few hours. Wow! There are nearly 20 pigeons out there as well as about 40 little birds. There are more pigeons and little birds that I saw waiting up on the lines. They must have several places where they sit and watch for when I come out. It’s amazing how they seem to know my schedule. They’re always out there, no matter what time of day I go out there for the first time unless it’s at night. It’s cool to see the pigeons stand on the wall that divides the pool and the Jacuzzi while they get drinks.

I was gonna print out calendars for 1996, but I’ll wait till we get closer to the end of the year and see how many regular calendars we get, so I don’t bother with making extra copies that’ll just be wasted.

Later…

Got a phone call from a lady at the credit union about the mortgage payment. She says the October 8th payment is past due. I left Tom a home memo so he can take care of it and I’m sure he will. I also let him know that I tried to make an appointment to see Dr. Rugg on November 9th which is a Thursday, but she doesn’t work on Thursdays, so I was told to call back on November 3rd and that I could make an appointment for the 10th. Let’s hope so. I need to get it over with and it’s not that often that Tom will have a weekday off.

Lastly, I let him know of Andy’s request. He said that more than likely he won’t need this but he needs to give the dentist a post-dated check for $140. He wants to know if we could write the check out and he’ll give us the cash for it. I told him there should be no problem if he needs us to do that and will mention it to Tom.

Andy and I chatted about different things. I read him Sarah’s letter and he told me about a dream he had. He said he knew it was him looking into the future. He said he saw a guy that was about 24-25 years old wearing a black button-down shirt with a pocket in the front. He couldn’t tell much else about him, but he said that something was telling him that this was Mr. Right. It said to look for this guy when he’s at the bar which he goes to on Tuesday nights and to approach this guy cuz the guy is interested but is too shy. Well, he went to the bar last Tuesday night, but he didn’t see anyone like that. Just a guy with that type of shirt that was dark gray, but he said that this guy was not at all interested. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

So, Karson’s left me two messages and him 4. He said that once a month or so we can call her and rank on her and tape it. Meanwhile, she can call us all she wants in between cuz we won’t talk to her. Maybe. I reminded Andy, though, that we’ll just have to enjoy the conversations, though, till I get a new dual tape deck (if I can get one that I can edit on) cuz mine’s dead.

I just weighed in at 102, so maybe I was full of water. I swear I’ve peed 4 times in the last hour and a half.

I also talked to Tammy and got some great news from her, finally. There’s this elderly woman with cancer and her daughter hired her to care for this woman Monday - Friday From 9 AM - 3 PM for $9 an hour under the table. That’s great and the kids are at the perfect age where she can do that. She said with her luck, though, the woman will die. This is great for her, though. She’s been cursed long enough.

I got the dishes done, but don’t feel like doing the bathroom or the vacuuming, so I’ll make sure I jump on it tomorrow.

I started the CD and it went from track 10 to track 7. It’s so neat.

Well, I guess I’ll go start letters to my family. I feel like I’m forgetting to mention something, but I can’t think of it. Oh well.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 25, 1995 The American Lung Association sent these Christmas seals kids designed. There’s one for all 50 states, including the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico. Idaho’s the best and it won, too. So, I’ll use them as date separators, but not in Journal 100.

I just pulled out my first journal and like I’ve said before - what a shitty writer I was. I checked to see if I wrote the time down that I began writing, but I never mentioned much about time till 3 days later. I probably began between 11 AM-noon judging by how long Jenny was probably there who I said came over at 9:30, then to get to the mall, etc.

I never even mentioned who Jenny, Kevin, Nellie and Mattie were for God knows how long. Yes, it just might be a good idea to “recap” my life. I believe that at some point in South Deerfield, I did write about people I’ve known in more detail. I went back and explained how, where, and when I met a certain person. How long I knew them, and if they were good or bad.

Wow. This is the longest period I’ve had all year. I’m not flowing heavily, but I’m not just spotting, either. Hopefully, it’ll bring some of the bloating down. The weird thing about my stomach, though, is that as bloated as it is it’s hard. It must be gas.

Anyway, I’m gonna take a nice hot relaxing bath. Tom turned up the water temp yesterday morning before he went to work.

Later…

OK, now I feel better and the water was perfect.

Guess who left a message at 4:00 yesterday afternoon and at midnight? None other than Karson herself. I left Andy a message letting him know that it’s his right to be friends with her, but not to call me with her on the line. Also, if she calls and I answer, I’ll just hang up and I’ll have Tom do the same as well. She’s got a new number that’s obviously local, but I’m not sure if it’s still in Mesa or where the hell it is. I don’t know what her situation is or why she took so long to call us. I’m sure she called Andy, too.

I can’t believe Fran’s only called once in this last year, but what about the occasional hang-ups we get? Could they be Fran or Nervous? I wouldn’t be too surprised if they were.

Later…

Yes! I’m down to 100 lbs. Thank God for giving me the ability to lose weight. Just maybe I could lose the 30-50 lbs. I’d need to if the ½% chance happens that we do have a kid. That’s more like a 0% chance, but it’s nice to know that even in this day and age I can do it. I asked Tom if he thought I could lose a lot of weight if I had to even though I’m 30 and not 19 and he said yes. And I don’t need to and didn’t starve, either.

Remember how I said Tom has all kinds of reasons for not wanting a kid now? All kinds of big and little reasons? He probably wants me to be able to wear and enjoy the jeans I got at the end of last winter. So do I. I even asked him last summer if I’d be able to fit into them this winter and he said yes. Now, just how would he know that? Gee, I really wonder! He’s the type who’ll always find reasons to wait on the kid. It’s an easy thing to do, though, so I understand.

If he’s not up by 5:00 I’ll wake him up.

Knowing he won’t hit me for sex this morning is fine, as this is the time I’m the least horny. Plus, he likes to go down on me more than to screw and even if my period was completely over, that crotch cream won’t be too tasty. I only have two more days to go on that.

Oh, my God! Journal 100 is only 3½ pages away. It’s so hard to believe. It’s amazing how I went to the Enfield Mall that day with only a few dollars to my name. A few dollars I should’ve saved for food, but I bought my first journal instead. From there I just never looked back. I just couldn’t stop writing. According to my journal chart, the age I was where I wrote the most was 28. I wrote the least from September 17, 1989 - October 30, 1990.

I just got the computer going and I brought up 100 which has been thoroughly tested. All the margins look fine. I’ll probably change fonts every 4 pages seeing how I counted 186 pages and there are 45 fonts I’ll be using. I’ll also probably print out sections at a time, but I won’t put them into the spiral till I’m all done.

Later…

Tom’s eating now and is psyched for the suspenseful countdown to journal 100 as I am!

I told him I weigh 100 and asked him if I looked better. He said no, but that I still always look good.

When I called my parents yesterday, Dad answered and I began saying I was Special Agent S and that I know he was on America’s Most Wanted. He laughed at that. I told him what Larry said when we spoke last week.

Tomorrow Kim will be having surgery in Boston, the poor girl. I know she’ll be there overnight, but I forgot if she said she’d arrive there tonight or tomorrow morning. I assume she’d go there tomorrow morning and leave the next morning with her mother.

No mail from Alex on AOL this morning, but am I ever gonna get anything from Gloria’s fan club?! I wish I had their address which was dumb of me not to save so I could write to them and tell them to forget it and send the money back.

Well, now it’s time to say goodbye to the double digits! My God, I can’t believe I got here! I actually made it to journal 100!!!!!!!!!

Later…

Well, here I am! I’m actually in journal 100! Tom says he thinks that when I’m 36 or 37 I’ll hit journal 200. We’ll see. After I finish this journal and after I print it out, I’ll probably zing back to a regular page setup just like all my other typed versions of my journals. Boy, this is so much faster and easier. It kind of makes me want to do all my journals this way. I love the computer’s little digital clock down below, too. It’s easier to deal with, rather than the big wall clock that I’ve got in the music room. I’m practically saving my stuff by sentences instead of paragraphs since I’m not copying this out of a journal. I’d hate to have worded a long paragraph perfectly only to have the computer crash on me right as I go to save it.

This weekend Tom’s gonna fire up the wall heater out here in the back room. For now, I’ve got the little portable heater out here and it’s not very effective. In a couple of weeks or so, since we’ll probably have a warm spell, according to Tom, we’ll fire up the living room one. The back room gets the coldest cuz it’s the biggest and it’s an end room. The music room is the smallest, for example, and it’s in between the back room and the master bedroom.

I’m still not sure whether or not I’ll start another story. Probably one of these days soon enough. I’m not sure what it’ll be about.

Anyway, today I’ll probably do some singing and maybe clean the bathroom. I’ll try to force myself to do some dusting and vacuuming, too.

I may try to get ahold of Kim today so I can ask her when she’s taking off for the hospital and what time she’ll be operated on and when she’ll be leaving the hospital.

Wait till I tell Andy that I’m now on 100. I’m sure he’ll be quite pleased to hear that. I’ll also let my parents, Tammy, Kim, Bob and Alex know, too.

I’m debating on whether or not I should discuss different parts of my life more thoroughly in this journal. Of course, I’d interrupt it with current events. Let's see…where would I begin? If this were my very first journal, I’d start off with: My name is Jodi Lin S and I am 29 years old. I was born on December 4, 1965. Then I’d go on to say some of the things I like as well as dislike. I certainly wouldn’t start off the way I did in my first book. I’d also put the time and the year. All I put in was the day and date. Later I added the year.

I wish I could think of more to type about right now, but I really can’t at the moment, so I think I’ll go listen to music for a while. Then I’ll be back later to gab about whatever comes to mind.

Later…

Tom’s getting ready to leave for work. Right now he’s taking a dump, then he’s gotta comb his hair.

I just fed the pigeons and all the other birds we get here. They’re sure a funny sight to watch. Every time I go out there for the first time that day, at whatever time I do, they’re waiting on the electrical lines. Then I feed them and they devour it up in no time. They’re like Piggy. Tom just saw how the pigeons were climbing over each other to get at the food just now.

Today I’m gonna dust, then tomorrow I’ll do the bathroom, then on Friday, I’ll do the vacuuming. That way I space it out.

Tom just left for work and now I think I’ll go do some singing.

Later…

I did some singing and I dusted the place. I don’t know what I’m gonna do right now. Maybe I’ll watch TV. The only thing on now is talk shows, though, and I don’t care to listen to pregnant 14-year-olds. I don’t feel like cleaning the bathroom or vacuuming either so I think I’ll go start cooking Tom some spag.

I’m pissed, by the way. I’m back to 102 pounds.

Later…

OK, I’ve got the spag cooking.

I can’t believe how cold it’s gotten so fast. It doesn’t warm up till the sun comes up. No more pool for sure this year!

I hope this Saturday and next Monday are fun for Tom and I. He reminded me this morning that those will be our days and he’ll be off those days. No doing what we need to do on those days, only what we want. I’d like to think that he’ll cum, but that wouldn’t be doing what he wants.

Sunday he’ll be working on Eldon’s computer for about 6 hours. Eldon’s giving him a VCR which we’ll use in the bedroom in place of the one that’s there cuz the one that’s there is shittier.

Let me go check the spag and stir it.

Holy fucking shit, no! How the fuck can I be 103? What the fuck did I do? I didn’t eat hardly shit. I ain’t eating till before bed. I have to eat before bed cuz I can’t fall asleep with a stomach growling with hunger. I’m pissed, though. Real fucking pissed!

Let me go stir the spag for the second time.

Now the scale says 102. This scale sure does fluctuate. Tom reminded me that that’s what scales do. Yeah, I know, but I wish they didn’t do that.

Well, I’m gonna go check out just what the topic of discussion is on the talk shows.

Later…

I just broke down and had some spag, but I’m sure that if I only have a milkshake and a granola bar before bed I’ll be OK.

The two talk show subjects were hooker moms and violent teens. No thanks.

It’s still a bummer, I guess, that I can’t sense Robin as I used to. Also, I’ll never be able to get Tom to do any real research as to how to find information about her, but I told you so.

He shocked me by saying how he was eager to do more back room work. We’ll see.

It’d be nice to have the use of my drawing table back. I just wish I could draw well enough to really enjoy using it. It’d be nice to go from doing a really good drawing every 20 drawings I do to every 10 drawings I do. I do admit, though, to not practicing nearly enough to get much better.

I left Andy a message and let him know that I hit journal 100. I also tried calling Kim but got her machine. I didn’t leave a message, though.

Did I mention finishing my medley? Next, I’ll do stuff of Gloria’s and Linda’s. I kind of want to fill both sides of the tape. That way there’s stuff I can listen to at any point in the tape if I want to listen to it. Something like that will also be good for when the new kids and dogs arrive next door. Especially if I want any peace in that room. You can hear the most from that room cuz it’s the closest room to them that hasn’t got the soundproofing stuff in it and you can hear out front towards their driveway just fine if they’re playing basketball. I noticed something weird about the basketball hoop. The thing looks like it’s been turned. I don’t know who would turn it and why, but the angle of it does seem different.

Later…

It’s getting to the point where it’s the same temperature outside as it is inside. It’s warmer in direct sunlight. Anyway, in another couple of hours, I’ll vent this place with the EC to bring in warmer air. It’s chilly in here. I mean, I have my socks on.

More talk shows are coming on, so I’ll go see what they’re all about.

Later…

It’s 8º warmer outside than it is in here, but when I ran the EC it didn’t warm it up at all.

I just did some more singing and I watched some more TV. Right now, I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I’m having one of those days where for the most part I’m bored. There are things I could do but I just don’t feel like doing them, so I’ll just be lazy for today.

What will I get in the mail today? Anything exciting? I hope to hear from Sarah sometime soon. It’s been a while and it’s her turn to write.

Well, I may as well go type up more of 99 now.

Later…

This is so cool. A new thing came with Windows 95 for the CD player. You can play CDs in either the order of the songs that are on the CD or in random order. I’m playing an old Gloria CD and first it played track 1, then track 7.

I was just working on 99 and it’s so cool how if I’ve got something I want to mention, I can just pull this journal up over it. All I have to do is click the file menu, then close this and journal 99 will be there where I left it.

Someone just called but I dropped the phone and disconnected them. It’s too early for Andy to be up, so it may have been a wrong number, some sales idiot or wacky Karson.

Now what track is it gonna play? I don’t hear anything right now. What happened?

I just restarted it in random order. The thing also has continuous play as well as the first 10 seconds of each song. Who would want to hear only the first 10 seconds of each song? It’s cool, anyway. At the bottom of the screen are little bars that list when you’ve got activated. The CD player is listed as well as the volume control. Tom plays the TV as loud as I do, but you have to have bionic ears to hear the music he plays.

Anyway, all you have to do is click on the bar of the item you want to do something with, then you can either put it back down there out of the way of what you’re doing or close it.

It just got done playing track 5 and now it’s playing track 8. It’s a neat surprise. I never know which song of hers on this CD will play next.

Why the hell am I so hungry today? I feel like I just want to gorge, but if I don’t do what I’m doing I won’t be able to eat all I want and not worry about it like I’ve been able to do these last 10 years. I probably still do have absolutely nothing to worry about, but I’m not gonna take that chance.

Now it’s playing track 4 which is ending, so, what will it play next? Track 10.

OK, now I’m really fucking mad! How the fuck can I weigh 104?! What the fuck am I doing wrong? Fuck it! I’m just gonna go pig out, then I’ll starve myself for sure. It seems that no matter if I exercise or what the fuck I eat I’m just not meant to have a flat tummy. I mean, I know it’s in my stomach. I could feel it just suddenly bloat out. What the fuck’s making it do that? I’m not constipated. I don’t feel gassy. My period is just about over. I’m not pregnant, so why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Here’s track 9 now. Anyway, I’ll be back later after I pig out. Fuck my weight!

Later…

I just turned the EC on again to see if it’ll warm this place up. It’s definitely warmer outside.

Now it’s playing track 2.

Anyway, I think I’m done typing for the day and I’m gonna have some coffee and wind down. In another hour or two, I’ll be crashing. I still have plenty of time to make my schedule in a way that I can be up all day this Saturday. I’ll be letting Tom know when I’m mid-cycle every month. I want to see how long certain patterns go on. Of course, though, I’ll fib by a day or two.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 24, 1995 I’ll have to ask Tom to turn up the thermostat on the water tank. I can’t get the water for baths or showers hot enough since it’s cooled down.

When I went out yesterday morning to feed the birds as the sun was coming up, it was freezing.

Andy sure has a big crowd at his place. I just called and right away he said he couldn’t talk, but thanked me for calling. So, I left him a message. At least he’s in a good mood and will probably call at some point during the night.

I’ve decided to use the remaining 12 pages in 91 to chart my asthma. Remember how I said I was using the peak flow meter? Well, Tom made a graphics chart so we can do it on the computer, too. I’m supposed to be at 415. I mean, that’s the best for a female my size, but I’m usually around 350.

Got mail from Kim today. A quick letter from her with 6 Bob letters. Nothing new or funny from Bob. Gonna go see if I got any email from Alex and maybe watch some TV. I should polish my nails, too.

Later…

I haven’t finished the medley yet, but I probably will during the night. I’m starting with a variety of artists, then I’ll do Gloria and Linda’s stuff.

Wow! Only 26 pages away from journal 100.

Jesus Christ! Remember how I had my upper or lower (I can’t remember which) wisdom tooth pop up or down for a day or two? Now my upper one is popping outward to the front right in the gum line.

I guess I don’t have to wake Tom up at 5:00, seeing that he just got up.

I still haven’t fired up the computer yet, so I think I’ll go do that.

Later…

I did some typing and some singing and worked some more on the medley.

Yup, the M’s moved out of state. Information only had one Dean M just outside Phoenix, but it was non-published. It could still be them, though, cuz if they’re hiding from anything or anyone, they may want a non-published number. If they moved to Idaho, he may be staying back with a friend or relative till the house sells. Tom says it’s not necessary to stay back till it sells, but who knows just what those weirdoes do?

Andy called this morning doing what he does best – discussing his problems with others. He had a fight with Pam. She supposedly scammed him by selling him shitty weed.

Still hanging in at 102. Of course, it’s best to lose weight slowly, so by mid-November I’d like to be 100. Perhaps 98 by my birthday.

Out of all the times it’s been easier to deal with never having a kid, this has been the best. I’ll probably always write about it and year after year I’ll probably always write about Tom’s not cumming and how he always says he will cum soon, then make excuses for why he didn’t, but at least I don’t feel like I’m gonna freak out, get all emotional and burst into tears. I guess I’ve just learned from past experiences not to fight what is or isn’t in the cards for me and to just accept whatever can and cannot be. Fighting for the ideal woman all those years which wasn’t meant to be and I knew wasn’t meant to be sure was exhausting. I don’t miss those exhausting, upsetting, and frustrating fights. It’s too soon to say how I’ll feel about fighting it out in a doctor’s office in ‘97, though.

Anyway, I’m a bit bored right now. I don’t really feel like doing any of the things I could do, like dust or vacuum. I’m not awake enough for that.

Also, speaking of fighting, I still can’t get up the nerve to pray to God cuz I’m not sure if it’s worth it with some of the shit that goes on in this world. The worst He can do is make sure we really never get any of the things we want, but what if He gets mad and makes shit go wrong? For example, Tom says that in God’s eyes, our having a child is morally correct. But how can He? If He really thought this, Tom wouldn’t be the way he is and we’d have one. I believe God considers it a definite no-no for me/us and in being persistent for one, I’m afraid of something happening. I feel like I’m asking for something that God’s shown me to be a very obvious no-no, not meant for me at all. Is it really bad or harmful to pray for something God won’t ever allow you to have? What do I do? Should I dare even take a chance?

I wish I could feel Robin more. I wish we could communicate more about more things.

How can I at least ensure myself that I’ll deal with it better and better with time and that I won’t return to constantly being hysterical about never having a kid? How can I get my husband to admit to his games and his never wanting a child? How can I ever get and keep a normal sleeping schedule? How can I ever quit smoking forever? My life could’ve been perfect if it weren’t for these things. Wouldn’t my life be perfect now if it weren’t for these 4 issues as well as the singing? Or would I have other problems instead to deal with? Would I just wish I could do or have other things instead? I wonder. At least it’s better than all the problems I used to have and there are a lot of people out there with a hell of a lot more and worse problems than I’ve got. Believe me, I know I really truly am very blessed. I understand that no one gets all they want. I know that’s not realistic, practical, possible or logical for anyone to get every single thing they want.

Later…

Oh, my God! I absolutely don’t believe it! My mother quit smoking 3 weeks ago. I would’ve bet my life that she’d never quit. She was as sure that she could never quit as I am that I can’t. I asked her if it really is swapping one misery for another and she said she thinks of smoking a lot, but it won’t be forever. She said she got really sick, had to go to the hospital, and then she gave the doctor her cigarettes and that was it. She went out and got a needlepoint kit to keep her hands busy.

I said we all have our weaknesses and strengths and that right now my weakness was not being able to quit smoking. Who knows, I told her, me and others thought I couldn’t do other things I’ve done, so maybe someday, and her answer was - that’s right. Anyway, I’m really happy for her.

Dad was bummed about how America’s Funniest Videos only played the tape for 10 seconds when he had 9 minutes of it and he thought the winners weren’t funny. I agree, but life isn’t fair. It’s sort of like the way the lottery works. You win if you already have money. You don’t win if you don’t have money.

I talked with Tammy too, who says all’s well.

Later…

I’m only gonna jot down a few things, then it’s off to bed cuz I’m beat.

I don’t understand. I’ve had a full period which still hasn’t completely stopped, I’m not constipated, I’ve hardly eaten, yet I’m still quite bloated.

I was sitting outside and it was so peacefully quiet. It’s great not to want to go out there, but worry that their dogs or kids will ruin the peace. Now I can concentrate on writing out there, doing word search puzzles, etc. I know, though, that it won’t last forever and that the noise will be back. I’m so lucky that no one’s moved in yet. I really thought that house would sell right away. For every quiet and peaceful day that goes by, I fear that all the more I will be severely compensated. If only I knew Robin wasn’t a hoax and that her spirit was real for sure and that she was right when she told me I have nothing to worry about. It would take some stress and worry off of me. Meanwhile, there’s no need for me to worry till the kids and dogs get there. Then I’ll deal with it. For now, I’ll just enjoy the peace till it’s shattered. I should’ve saved on the computer the letter I sent the M’s. I would have if I’d known they were gonna move since I’m gonna need it eventually.

For a while there it looked like I may hit 100 on the 8th anniversary of these journals, or writing I mean, but I guess I could hit 100 as soon as tomorrow.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 23, 1995 Shit, I just realized that by the time Halloween comes, I’ll probably be asleep when the damn trick-or-treaters are out. Even if we turn the lights off, someone may still be dumb enough to ring the bell or pound on the door. The doorbell wouldn’t wake me up but knocking probably will. Maybe I’ll throw the couch cushions into the music room, along with the fan, and crash there. The music room isn’t at the front of the house. Although, then again, I do believe I can recall sleeping fine through Halloween of ‘93 with the fan. We’ll just wait and see.

I’m really having a fuller period, so that’s good. I’m still hanging in at 102 pounds.

Later…

Tom’s sorting some electronic parts till the pork chops I’m making are done. I’m not eating any, though. I’ve had a TV dinner, some fried shrimp, a few mini blueberry muffins, and a granola bar. I’ll eat another granola bar before bed.

For a few minutes, Tom played his game last night. I played along too, as I don’t mind every now and then. I told him last night that getting down to 175 pounds didn’t seem to be something that was him. So he said he was gonna prove me wrong about that and the kid.

Uh-huh. Right.

It’s been quite a while since I’ve sensed Robin. I’ve even tried to reach her but to no avail. What was the purpose of what happened with Robin last July? Will I ever sense her as strongly again?

I rearranged my binders earlier and I have decided there’s no need for me to keep printing out the journals I type up. All I wanted was backup copies in a fireproof form. There’s no use in me using up so many ribbons and pieces of paper and binders which will take up so much space as time goes on. So, as of now, I’ve got 5 binders full of journals, 1 of letters and 1 of stories and 1 of a variety of things. Stuff like the edits, my songs, etc. Basically, all I’ll use binders for from here on out will be for letters.

I wonder if my planner has a hidden purpose for my writing journals. Could there truly be some unknown purpose? If I died right now, the only person who I could see reading them would be Andy. Tom would be busy or put it off forever. If we had had a kid and I died of old age, it probably wouldn’t be interested after living with me for about 18 years. Plus, if the kid was like most people it wouldn’t be interested in reading someone’s journals. I think most people would rather read regular story/education books.

Since we got a few more fonts a few months ago, I decided to go through them and make a list of the ones I like for Journal 100.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 22, 1995 Today was a good day, even though I slept late. Tom had fun at the tracks today but didn’t win. He says his mom would really like for me to go sometime and that she and I would probably take the shuttle bus they have and go to a swap meet.

Tom and I started to play around with Andy’s 4-track and I even heard myself sing backward.

Andy was telling me how he’s only gonna get 6 free therapy sessions, then will have to pay for it. He’s only gonna take the 6 free ones. I know therapy can help, but he’s in a similar boat that I was in. A therapist can’t give him money and the man of his dreams. At least he’s in Arizona, has a nice roommate, a car, and can hold a job and schedule. I agree with Tom that he’s survived through worse shit and things will get better. I hope they do, anyhow, cuz he deserves it.

So far I’ve been 102 lbs all day today. Last night was weird, though. I fluctuated from 102-104. I weighed 104, ate a bowl of cereal cuz I was so damn hungry and then I weighed 102. Tom weighed 208, then ate bacon and Hamburger Helper then he weighed 212.

Today I sure flowed heavily, but I needed to since my last 3 periods were so light.

I told Tom I’d be flowing heavily for sure today so he thinks I’ll be mid-cycle on 11/5, but I really will be on 11/3.

In my letter to Bob, I asked him to make sure he let me know when he gets those puzzles and Robin’s story (Reunited Love). In his letter to me which he dated 10/17, he said he was “looking forward to getting the puzzles and my story.” Not, “I got your puzzles and story.” He should have gotten it by the 17th if I’m remembering correctly when I sent it so I hope to hell he gets it. I hope I didn’t put too little of stamps on it (I put no return address label on it) and I hope no guards stole it.

Later…

I’m almost done making the best medley I’ve ever made.

We just screwed on the couch. We both like the bed better, though. I couldn’t cum cuz I couldn’t reach enough of my clit due to the angle.

I took down 4 puzzles that I had hanging by nails and thumbtacks and put them back up with that two-sided sticky stuff. I have 8 more to redo but have to wait till we can get more of that stuff.

It’s a good thing I don’t care to constantly change wall decorations cuz once they go up, they’re not coming back down. Who knows how you remove this stuff?

Things have been OK with us which is nice. Last night he said again how things are ready to roll. He always says that and always will. At least things are fine the way they are right now. I think the only thing Tom should do is accept the fact that we are gonna need to go to a doctor to have a kid in ‘97 as long as he’s unwilling to cum. He denies this. He’s either in denial or knows he never plans on going through with going to a doctor in ‘97 and I sure as hell hope that isn’t the case. Not unless I decide for whatever reason that I don’t want one. What I think will happen in the long run (or between now and ‘97) is that he’ll either confess to never intending to have a child or he’ll cover it by saying he’s decided it’s not what he wants. This is what I really truly believe will happen. He’s not gonna very well stall it without giving me a reason after 4/1997. He’s got to come up with and tell me something.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 20, 1995 Larry called Wednesday night, as I said before. I only spoke to him cuz Sandy, Larry and Jennifer were asleep. He loved the envelope I last sent him and he said he saved it. The one with the tiny colorful lines on the front and the: Oh no, Tammy called! On the back with changeable markers inside of musical notes. I just sent him another letter with flowers on the front and fish on the back. I also wrote, “This letter sent at 87º,” and then I drew a snowman with a long flowing scarf, sort of like a banner and on it, I wrote, “Are you ready for the snow?!” He said it was only 38º at the time we were talking.

He bought a trucking business. There are 10 trucks for starters that will be delivering all kinds of things nationwide. He won’t be driving, though, but may possibly have to come to Phoenix on a business trip. He’ll be in Florida this weekend on business and will be seeing Mom and Dad.

I’m shocked, but he said that if he is invited to Lisa’s bat mitzvah, he will go. Sandy probably won’t go.

I got a kick out of how he said he saw Dad on America’s Most Wanted. Now why didn’t I think of that one?

He also asked: Why do blondes have long tampon strings? The answer is: So that the crabs can go bungee jumping.

He and Tom said hello to each other, too. I think that’s basically all we chatted about, but if I remember more, I’ll write it in.

Later…

Tom asked me if I’d try going with no cigarettes for as long as I can on the 30th. I wish I could get him to cum regularly in exchange for it. In fact, he may find it a perfect opportunity and take advantage of that situation to cum once. Cuz then I’ll have to go 24 hours with no cigarettes, then he can go back to never cumming. Nah - he’s too stubborn to cum and very against that baby. Especially with us trying to go back east in May and money being kind of tight.

He better not lie about cumming, though, before the 15th. Maybe he’ll cum by my hand. That way I can see it and it can’t get me pregnant. I’ve given up on trying so many different things to make him cum. I’ve also given up on trying to discourage it too, cuz usually when you try to encourage/discourage him one way, he goes the other way and has admitted this.

I’ll just wait and see if I can get him in to see a doctor in 17 months. This deal, though, really has helped to give me peace of mind and to make me less anxious, stressed out and trapped. All that could happen is that he could refuse to see a doctor when the time comes or stall it.

Later…

OK, I’m now in between spotting and fully flowing, so I guess it’s enough to consider myself at mid-cycle on the 3rd of November. However, I’ll let Tom know it fully began on the 22nd, which it wasn’t supposed to till then anyway. This is the 3rd month in a row of getting my period early. At least I had no bad emotional PMSing. I did mention having a little more than spotting and he suggested I not mark it till the 22nd, so he’ll believe I’m mid-cycle on Nov. 5th. I wonder how it works. I think that even though I’m only a little beyond spotting that it still does count as the start of my period. Anyway, I marked it in 83 as beginning today, but we’ll see how he acts on both the 3rd and the 5th of Nov.

We screwed earlier since he can’t go down on me for a while cuz of the crotch cream. First we tried doggie style which didn’t work, as it never has with me. So, we screwed in our regular position, and as always, he stopped when I came. He really acted like he felt left out, but personally, I think it was all an act. Don’t get me wrong. He chooses to be left out, but he brought up wishing he could be taken care of and how he doesn’t always have to stop just when I cum. Then why did he? I believe he’s only saying this cuz I’ve mentioned how sex is only for me. Sometimes he feeds off of what I say. However, I’ve gotten used to our sex being the way it is, as I’ve come to accept that it is the way it is and that it’ll never change. Especially what with knowing we can go to a doctor for a kid in ‘97. I’d have preferred to get the kid the old-fashioned way, but this is how it’ll be unless there’s something irreversibly wrong with me, or if he comes out and tells me he really doesn’t want a kid and that he’s sorry he led me on and let it get this far, or if he puts his actions where his mouth is and he cums.

Dr. Rausch reminded me that it’s important to get a negative pap with my being DES-exposed. That, I feel may either never happen or may take forever to achieve, but when I call to make an appointment with Dr. Rugg I’ll mention being mid-cycle to Tom on the 5th and that I’ll try to get as close to that as I can.

Later…

Yes, I officially have a normal period going here. Good. It’ll make me feel better. I could use a normal heavier period for a change.

I am so very accurately psychic when it comes to periods and Tom’s cumming. I know I’ll win our bet. I know I’ll get periods in November and December. Part of it is logic too, Tom’s actions, and the way God works.

Last Wednesday, Law & Order was a new episode, so I guess they had a problem of some kind with the previous show.

Later…

Shit! My body’s acting like it did 10 years ago when I’d barely eat and gain weight or stay the same. Up till recently I could gorge and stay the same weight. All day yesterday I was 104 and here’s what I ate: one TV dinner, 1½ Slim-Fast milkshakes, one granola bar, popcorn and coffee.

When I got up today I was 103 till an hour ago and all I had today was: 2 pork chops, a baked potato, half a Slim-Fast shake, a yogurt, a granola bar and coffee (sour cream & margarine with my baked potato).

So why the hell am I back to 104 when I’m not constipated and am ragging?! I must do what I did 10 years ago and starve for 3 days to shock my system, and speed up my metabolism, then hopefully I won’t have to worry even though I’m nearly 30 and not 19.

Later…

I just did a little test on the computer. Earlier I was copying and pasting my songs into the file that’ll be Journal 100, but it wouldn’t let me print them out without popping up a message to me saying there was an error in that application. This made me fear I wouldn’t be able to type a page in jour100 and print it out, but luckily I had no problem. I typed up a page, printed it out, then threw it in an NPN envelope.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 19, 1995 Three more days till my period. Great. Then I can get some of this water off of me and my tits won’t be so sore. In a way, I wish my periods weren’t so light. I know that’d call for more cramps, but it may help my tits to be less sore and it may help me be less watery. Plus, there’s always Ibuprofen for the cramps.

I know Tom really wants to go back east this May. I can tell it means a lot to him, therefore, all the more reason why I know he’ll never cum. It means a lot to me too, and if I were pregnant now, then who knows how many more years it’d be before we went to see them.

Also, money’s tight now. We’re far from starving and he says we can afford a kid, but I’m not so sure.

I believe he wants a kid (or at least I want to believe he does), but I believe much, much more so, that he’s having fun playing this game and will play it till ‘97. Then, he’ll no doubt stall on making a doctor’s appointment which will probably stop me from wanting to go to a doctor, then it’ll be over.

I’m still having an easier time dealing with not having a kid ever, due to our agreement as silly as I know that is. I’ll never be able to get this guy in to see a doctor with me. No, I’m not gonna bring up the injection to the doctor tomorrow. I’ll just let Tom play his game. It’ll only be for 17½ more months.

I told him, though, that on 11/15, he’s gonna have to face the fact that he can’t win our bet and I’m not giving him another month, cuz he’ll ask for another month until the day he dies.

Damn! I’ve been having a bad lung day and night. It had been fine for the last 2-3 days. Maybe it’s the oil paintings. I swear that shit will never dry. I also finished the fish mural and sprayed clear spray paint over that.

Later…

I’m in the bedroom now and this room still smells of paint.

Tom’s going to the racetrack with his folks on Saturday to try to further his luck, and he wanted to show them our paintings. However, I’m not so sure they’ll be dry even by then.

During an episode of Little House on the Prairie yesterday afternoon, a commercial came on to order videos of the show. So, I called their 800# and they didn’t ask for a credit card and told me they’d send a bill later. So, hopefully in 3-4 weeks, it’ll get here.

Tom may do computer work for Eldon this Sunday since I’ll be asleep for most of the day.

Anyway, Andy was over, as I said earlier. Tom and I were experimenting with the 4-track he lent us when Larry called.

Andy liked the paintings, the fish art, and he really thought the giant cat was way cool. I showed him journals he hasn’t seen, as well as Dad and another video. He too, got a kick out of people’s clothes and hairstyles from nearly 30 years ago.

We sat outside on the bench swing and talked while Piggy was down by our feet eating grass.

I also helped him find some notes and chords to a song he wrote using the keyboard and the guitar.

He says he can see that I’ve gained weight. Well, believe me, I intend to do something about it. Being fat is part of being a mom for the most part, but I’m never gonna be a mom, so I have no reason or excuse to weigh 104 pounds. At 104 I look 120. At 100 I look 115 and at 95 I look 110, so I guess I’d like to get down somewhere between 95-100.

Tom says periods are a way of cleaning a woman’s body and that minor infections are usually flushed out by periods. Either way, I want it gone and I don’t want to be infected constantly like I used to be. Especially during times I was sexually active. I may have a husband with a low sex drive, but I still hope I’m not paying for and being compensated by the few times we manage to get together here and there. When I asked Tom if God was getting me due to wanting a kid, he said he wouldn’t get me over something natural and morally correct. Well, if it’s so natural and morally correct, why won’t he let Tom let himself cum and let me have one?

Anyway, I gave Andy back the pink lace shirt to give to Pam. Also, about 12 NPN envelopes for him to mail.

Only 60 pages left, then I can begin typing the coyote one. Can’t believe I’m 60 pages away from journal 100!

I’ll write up on my chat with Larry some other time. I’m a little tight-lunged right now and I just want to go relax.

Later…

The doctor’s appointment went OK today. He told me to take an extra 6 hits a day of the Azmacort if I’m having trouble. Last night I sure was tight and wheezy. He also recommended stuff for downstairs, so I got over-the-counter stuff. I also had a flu shot in one arm and a pneumonia shot in the other.

They weighed me at 105 pounds, even though I’ve shit and only had one granola bar and one TV dinner. So, I got 6 Slim-Fast shakes and am on a diet till I get between 95-100. I don’t understand my gaining weight when none of my habits have changed and I can’t be pregnant. Even Andy noticed although he says I still look OK and I still look solid. Could it be related to stopping the Theo? Maybe it’s just age. They say around 30 is when a woman begins to fall apart (unless she’s had a kid before then). Infections down there can bloat a woman, so hopefully after I use the cream and get my period, I won’t be such a balloon.

I’m coughing up shit now, so that means that I’ll probably be sneezing tomorrow.

An EC was put on next door. Tom says there’s no way it’ll cool the whole house cuz it looked small.

Tom agrees with me that there’s no chance the place will be empty for a year. The weather’s been very warm for this time of year. In the 90s, rather than the 80s, so once it cools down another 10º - 15º, I’m sure the kids and dogs will move in then. It’s still October, though. An unlucky month in some cases around here. October’s when the M’s moved in and when the music crowd gave their concerts 2-4 times a week for nearly 6 months.

I found a better way to put up my puzzles, rather than to tack or nail them up. There’s this clear gel-like stuff that’s sticky on both sides. When I use this, it sags less. I may take down about 12 of them and put them back up using this stuff. If we ever do move and they get ruined - fine. I’ll just start a new collection.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 18, 1995 I’m pissed. I have another infection downstairs and Tom has sores in his mouth. Another thing to get in the way of our sex life. Also, I feel so punished. What did I do to get another infection so soon? How can I stop them from coming so frequently? Is this my punishment for having sex whenever we do, and wanting more sex when obviously something doesn’t want us having more sex? Is this my punishment for wanting a child?

Till today Tom’s been saying he didn’t think I had an infection, but I just knew it before it flared up. My woman’s instinct really is accurate, so I know I’m gonna be right about us needing to see someone in ‘97, even though he says we aren’t gonna need to. Luckily, though, I have an appointment with Dr. Rausch tomorrow so hopefully, he can take care of it. Hopefully, he won’t have to give me an exam. Eventually, he or Dr. Rugg will probably want to do an exam, though.

Andy came over today. He brought his 4-track recorder to lend us to create whatever with.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 17, 1995 Tom just got home and will be watching TV for 2-3 hours.

I didn’t finish writing about the oil painting stuff cuz I got lazy. Tom and I did our first painting together of a mountain with a lake and pine trees. They weren’t the best, but they came out pretty good for beginners. I hate pine trees, but they sure are fun and easy to do. The same with grass. I thought grass was painted by spending weeks going over every little detail. Not so, though. All you do is tap the brush onto it. It’s easier than drawing grass, cuz then you have to stroke out each individual blade.

The second picture I did was a winter scene. Again, I hate those, but they’re easier to do. There are only two things about this one I don’t like. The snow has too much blue in it cuz the Turpenoid is dirty and I couldn’t clean the blue off the brush well enough, then load it with just the white. Also, the tree I did, in the end, looks like a tree a first-grader would do. In the first picture, my background trees didn’t come out too well.

My third picture was of 3 pine trees that I did on a very small piece of stretched canvas, (stretched over a wooden frame) smaller than this book.

I’ll be back to write about Kim and Andy after a cig.

Later…

Kim sent me a letter on pretty paper with musical notes. It had a matching envelope. She enclosed Bob’s letter, the one she read to me which he happily took advantage of her sharing her “sexual” fantasies, and wrote all about his. Also, she enclosed 11 stamps. That was really nice of her.

I may have forgotten to mention this, but she’ll be sending a video someone shot of her skating at a roller-skating rink with Doug in Vernon, CT that I can keep. I’ll be looking forward to that. Eventually, I’ll send Kim and Alex a video of stuff we’ve already recorded in and around the house, as well as Dad and me at age 4 at Passover.

Later…

Andy called today with some interesting news. Yesterday he was at an intersection when the light turned green. He didn’t go, though, and two cars from the left and the right came flying out of nowhere. They didn’t even slow down when their light was yellow. Wow. I asked him why he didn’t go and said, “I don’t know. I guess I was just very aware cuz of the dream.”

Something sure was looking out for him saying it wasn’t his time. I told him to make sure he told me if he ever has a dream with me and Tom in it. Wouldn’t that be a trip if he had a dream I was pregnant? I know it wouldn’t mean anything, but it would be funny.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 16, 1995 Tom’s home now and is eating and watching TV to clear his mind from the stressful drive home.

I am happy to say, though, that Tom finally mowed and did the sink.

I do have a lot to write about, so I better keep going so I don’t get backed up.

We saw Dad last night on America’s Funniest Videos. He was only on for about 10 seconds, but it was cool. Andy didn’t get to see it, so I’ll show him our copy when I see him. Eventually, I’ll mail Kim a tape of stuff we’ve already taped, along with Dad. Anyway, the bird went into my father’s mouth up to its neck and was chirping.

Later…

I asked Tom why he didn’t hit me for sex when we returned on Sunday. He said his leg was hurting all day. I believe him, but I still say there’s an outer source of some kind out to make sure sex is infrequent as well as the same as it’s always been.

Earlier, though, he walked on the treadmill for about 20 minutes to try loosening the stiff muscle. Then he went down on me before bed.

Sunday we went to the art store and here’s what we got:

A small tabletop easel

8 tubes of oil paint - Van Dyke Brown, Alizarin Crimson, Phalo Blue, Titanium White, bright red and yellow & green.

A putty knife (it’s not really shaped like a putty knife, though)

Liquid white (basecoat)

Turpenoid (you can’t clean these brushes with soap & water)

A 1” brush, 2” brush, a fan tip brush and a liner

2 big canvases, 2 medium canvases and 3 small canvas boards

It all came to $96.85.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 14, 1995 Yesterday I talked with Kim and Andy.

Kim sent me a letter with about 4 letters she got from Bob which were boring. No classic lines like the bunk bed incident. She read me Bob’s letter she got in response to the fantasy letter she wrote to him. She’s finally playing with his head. Bob totally fell for it and is on cloud 9. He asked her to tell him more fantasies and asked her sexual questions.

I don’t know if I wrote about the letter I’ll be sending him, but I’m going to be telling him that someone refusing to give me their name and tell me how they got my name and number called me. They say they have a relative who’s an inmate there who’s gonna bust his way into Bob’s pants.

Anyway, Tom went down on me last night and was in a fine mood when I got up. He even mentioned doing the yard and asked me if I could clear out the sink so he can bleach it, so we’ll see. He’s at the racetrack now with his parents. Before he left we both screwed and had oral sex. I won the bet as I knew I would.

Now, if we have sex regularly enough with no fights, I’ll fool him again and say I got my period a day or two sooner to see if I’m avoided mid-cycle. I don’t understand why he’d need to avoid me, though, since he won’t cum.

Last night before going down on me, he was in long enough to take care of himself, but not before sex today. He did go in right after to shower, so he probably got it out of his system then.

Last night I got to thinking. I said to myself, OK, the baby desires have been easier to deal with since our agreement, but it’s my brain! Therefore, I should be the one to control its thoughts and desires. I really wish I didn’t want to be a singer or have a kid, even in the smallest way. My life would then be so much easier and sex wouldn’t be frustrating. Don’t get me wrong, though, it’s still rather humiliating for him not to cum at least every other time to show me he’s pleased by me besides just saying he is.

I know I’ve painted a horrible picture of Tom over the last several journals, but believe me, other than his sex/baby games he’s a wonderful person. If he weren’t, I wouldn’t be here and the security and things he provides me with that I need or want wouldn’t matter.

Later…

Another dream has come true. I always wanted a typed journal. I mean with a cover and of this size, not the typed versions of my journals on full sheets of paper in binders. I keep calling the coyote journal a wolf, but it is a coyote. Anyway, that’s the spiral one I just got. Tom and I tried to set the margins properly, but he was on his way out. On his way out, though, he said, “You’re a smart girl. So, you figure it out, then you can teach me.”

I was like, “Me? Teach you something about the computer?” Well, I am proud to say that I did figure it out on a piece of paper I cut to the same size the pages are in that book. Then, I detached a piece that I typed up and put back in the book. It looks oh-so professional. As if I bought the book that way, and I can’t wait to show him.

Later…

Tom was quite impressed with the typed page I did in the coyote book. I’m gonna make a change, though. Instead of doing the remainder of the journals my parents sent next, I’m gonna type the coyote next, do the fish book, then the other two my parents sent (the dog & angel).

Tom says he should have our sex bet extended another month. I told him he’ll always need another month. He said things are starting to get so much better, though, that he feels it’ll be no problem. He’ll always say that, too.

I do feel, though, that things will be better between us and that’s what we both want. There’s really nothing left to fight about anyway. He knows how I feel and I know how he feels.

The day’s gotten even better since I last wrote. Tom won $300 at the racetrack! He filmed a few races, too. He didn’t film his parents or himself cuz he wanted to wait till I was there. I made a deal with him that I’d go with him once a year when the weather cools down.

Tomorrow we’re gonna go shopping for art supplies. He said he doesn’t want to get anything cuz the only thing he wants is too expensive.

Also, we got a letter today from a big company that distributes all kinds of software and shareware. What they say they may do is put the PrintBIG program on a disk with other programs. We won’t get any money for it, but we’ll get a free copy of this disk and more exposure. They’ll let us know after we sign an OK form.

I saw two paint shows this morning that I have saved on tape. The first one was of a woman using acrylic paints and painting roses and Santa. It really didn’t look too hard.

I really loved the second show even better. The guy’s name is Bob Ross who’s done this show for 11 years. He uses oil paints and in a half-hour, he painted this ugly, yet amazing and beautifully done winter scene.

I want to try oil painting so badly. We need to buy paints, brushes, poster boards, a palette, and an easel tomorrow.

Someone was next door earlier, but it was probably the Realtor and maybe a kid of his. Earlier there was cardboard up over all of the windows which is weird. Now the blinds are back up, but they’re shut.

Here we go again. I’ve got to compete with that damn TV while he insists there was no opportunity. He said his leg was stiff all day and that may be true, but God! I swear this guy has got the aches and pains of an 80-year-old. From what I remember, his leg didn’t get stiff till well after we returned from shopping and he could’ve initiated sex before that.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 13, 1995 Got up at 8 AM, but am already getting tired.

Dad left a message. They didn’t make the top 3 but they’ll be on America’s Funniest Home Videos this Sunday.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 12, 1995 I don’t believe it, but then again I do. The week before last they aired the first new Law & Order show with the new pig. Last week it wasn’t on due to some special. This week’s TV guide said the second new show would be on, but no. They had to put on an old show instead.

Tom and I are doing better, but there are still a few things that bug me and confuse me. What else is new, huh? It seems the more I ask him to do little things, the less he does them. I asked him nicely at a time when he wasn’t busy if he could please bleach the kitchen sink since bleach bothers me. He said he would, but I know him. I know him. He hasn’t done it and he never will as long as I mention it. Maybe he likes to be asked the same thing a few times around. Maybe he just doesn’t care. The bulk of his words just don’t go with his actions.

Last night I asked to make two compromises with him. 1. For him to clean the back room if my parents ever came out, and I’d smoke outside unless it was storming. 2. For him to not trash the house if we ever move, and I’ll never smoke inside no matter how the weather is. Shortly after he got home and worked on the back room until he went to bed. See? It’s either work or sex with the guy. He can’t mix the two. I also felt like he was punishing me. Cuz I asked about the back room, he wouldn’t have sex with me. Yet he says he feels spited and punished? I feel that enough of the time.

Last night I woke him up cuz I was angry and confused over some of our conversations. He cleared up what I misunderstood, but was pissed. I agree I should’ve spoken up earlier, but I’m almost sure he’d have been pissed then, too. It’s like it’s getting harder for me to talk to him without him getting emotional. Our argument didn’t last long and things were fine shortly after. He was watching TV, then came in to turn his alarm off. Some of his behavior is still asinine and unnecessary. The reason why he turned off his alarm was cuz he had no intention of going back to bed which was so stupid and neither of us was still upset. I feel he did it to be more tired, so it would be all the more obvious that we were not having sex. All he needs to do, though, is just not initiate it. He does that a lot of the time anyway and is quite capable and good at it. I told him that if we didn’t have sex over the next few days, I’d try not to accuse him of punishing me. His answer was for me to try to remember that. See? That tells me that yes, he’s already made up his mind that we won’t have sex for several days and he won’t even wait and see if he’s caught up on his sleep to perhaps have it after work tomorrow. We’re back to the same old shit of occasional sex over shit that’s done and over with. And he says to move forward after a bad day and that the next day is a new day? He oughta practice what he preaches.

He says he’s not “evil” and that he’s not trying to deliberately dupe me in any way, but could even someone who hasn’t had my past experiences not be so pessimistic, defensive and paranoid?

Why me? I ask this again and again. Why do I always have to have some weird, strange, different or abnormal situation to deal with? Can’t things just be normal? Can’t Tom just be like other guys? I once thought I could never have even the smallest dick inside me, but 3 months later after trying, I got over it. Why can’t he get over his fear of cumming? Why can’t he get over this so-called block, whatever it is? True that he doesn’t say he can’t like I did, but I don’t see him try like I did.

I just can’t help but believe by his actions that everything he says is a joke and that he really wants none of the things he says he does. Not the kid, not the music, not the business. He says the Robin case isn’t over but I know it is. What about the business he says he wants so badly? If he wants it so bad, then why hasn’t he shown me anything to do yet?

And he isn’t trying to make me wait on things?

I shouldn’t have read my story onto a tape. First of all, he’s not gonna listen to it. Secondly, I should give him right back what he gives me. I should’ve never done it or waited for several months. I should’ve made it a joke like the bee and cigarette machine and so very much more.

Will he ever film me signing all those signs I typed up? No. I will never ever do any more big projects for him unless I want to do it. I don’t care how selfish that sounds, either.

Remember all those computer magazine articles I typed up over a year ago? He’s never touched them.

Later…

I haven’t prayed, so why the desire to have a kid is easier to deal with, beats me. Maybe it’s cuz of our agreement, but I like and need it to be easier. I have a very strong feeling, though, that if I said nothing until the end of April of ‘97, he won’t bring it up till I do. I also have a very strong feeling that if I truly decide by April of ‘97 that we shouldn’t bother, he won’t utter more than a quick “OK.” He won’t be urging me to change my mind. He won’t put up one second’s worth of a fight if I do say that. He won’t shed one tear or say, “Too bad.” If I truly decide to forget about it, it’ll only be due to his actions which shows he doesn’t want it. I can’t and won’t force him to be a father.

During a moment of frustration about a month ago, I said I didn’t want a kid and his answer cracked me up. He said, “I’m not gonna make you have a kid, so tell me if you don’t really want one so I can see to it that we don’t.”

Oh, but I think he’s done a fine job of seeing that we don’t since our very first screw. Like we have anything to worry about?

Two days ago, we finally had oral sex. He was in the bathroom for about 15 minutes before going down on me. Long enough to relieve himself, and he never wanted to screw.

Later…

I just left Andy a message telling him of our agreement and how Tom feels we won’t need to see a doctor, but I do unless one or both of us decide to forget it. I asked him to let me know if he feels we won’t need a doctor, we will need a doctor and go to one, or we will need a doctor, but not go to one.

Yesterday they put new carpet down next door, but I haven’t seen anyone there today. Just a guy leave at 8:00 this morning. They left there with 5 little kids and waited till now to recarpet? Especially with the way kids destroy things? Tom says they’re really having trouble selling the house so they’re doing stuff to improve it.

I forgot to mention that there’s a gorgeous, modern 2-bedroom house for only about 50 grand next to Tom’s parent’s house that’s been for sale for a year. Oh, how I’d love for the house next door to be for sale that long! I still have a feeling it’ll sell by the time it gets cool enough for kids to be out 24/7. Right when I go to do the block wall their kids and dogs will be raising hell in the backyard. Or maybe the kids will be out front. It seems that kids play in the front of their houses more so out here. The longer it’s vacant, the better, but as each day passes that it’s vacant, I fear harsher compensation.

For over a year I haven’t heard the dog across the street. But very occasionally (less than next door’s dogs were on their quietest days) I hear it. Coincidence? Nah - God’s gotta do something.

Tom says they may have gotten a rare and great deal on a bigger house if the M’s stayed here and that’s why they split. Yeah, she’s probably pregnant with the 7th kid by now. I still feel they may have been up to something. It’s one thing to have such a large family that you can’t afford to go anywhere other than to church on Sundays, but they obviously never even went to parks or places that were free.

Later…

Better one of us than none of us, but it seems to me I’m the one that comes up with ideas to help us. Would we be sleeping in the same room if I hadn’t thought to put the beds side by side? I doubt it. Would we ever go to a doctor if I hadn’t thought of that? Almost certainly not.

My smoking habits are still the same, but my schedule flipped back to days pretty fast this time. For the last 3-5 mornings, probably more, I’ve been getting up between 6-8 AM.

Tom’s home now so I’ll write more later. I’ll have plenty of time to since we won’t be screwing around.

Later…

Tom went to bed a half-hour ago, but that’s good so he’ll have 12 hours to catch up on his sleep. He might even wake up before 5 AM.

We discussed loading all my journals into one big file so the computer can make the journal index I had started.

Later…

How fucking frustrating! Why can’t I just be one of those who draws what she sees? I wish I could be like Nancy H and Tara T were yet I can very seldom do a decent enough drawing.

Now I’m gonna write about a discussion I had with Andy yesterday. He’s told me that he’s had experiences with déjà vu during his dream state, but very rarely of danger. He says it usually involves everyday stuff, but this dream was different. He had it a week ago, and I have no bad vibes, so that’s good. In his dream, he saw two cars plow into him at an intersection. He’s pretty sure he didn’t survive it and it appeared to him that it was painless and that his soul was released. He saw all this in his dream from an aerial view.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 10, 1995 Now I can finally try to begin to catch up on all that’s been going on. I really need to make myself write during my tough times when my thoughts are fresh in my head. I’ll try now to go through each day and explain what happened and how I felt and why I felt the way I did.

I had a case of mild diarrhea. My stomach felt like a Theodur belly cuz I was nerved up and hadn’t had too much sleep.

One of the biggest factors that made me upset during different parts of the long weekend (yesterday was Columbus Day) was how much I felt Tom was punishing and teasing me with the issue of sex, and how I felt that the TV was more important than me. I told him if he’s teasing me with sex I’ll tease him right back. I asked him why he couldn’t watch TV for a while, then take 45 minutes or so out to have sex or at least just cuddle before moving on to do computer work.

So he went on to explain certain things about himself so that I could better understand him and he told me that what I do with that information is up to me. After all this time, he finally comes out and tells me that my taking the phone off the hook before sex turns him off cuz it’s another thing that’s too planned.

Everything turns him off, though, trust me. He said it’s not fun for him to have things be in planned steps. Like turning off the ringer, turning the fan on, etc. He not only wants sex to be spontaneous, but he wants all that revolves around it not to be so planned either. He also wants to not know where our cuddling will lead to. Meaning, he doesn’t want to know that it’ll always necessarily lead to sex.

I told him I do understand this but that there’s still always something turning him off, there’s always an excuse and I don’t feel he’s putting that much effort into upping the frequency of sex, yet he sits there and tells me he loves to have sex with me cuz he loves me and is attracted to me. I feel that he’s had plenty of opportunities to initiate sex at different times throughout the weekend. After he comes home from work, eats, unwinds and digests, why can’t he initiate it then? Why does he have to watch TV and do computer work? TV and computer work is fine, but if he really wanted to, he could squeeze time for us in between this.

I do have some very good and amazing news that’ll shock you as much as it shocked me. News that really gives me more peace of mind and has me feeling less at a dead-end and up against a wall. Well, I got him to agree that if I’m not pregnant by April of ‘97 we’d go to a doctor Now this may sound good, but I’m sure there’s a catch knowing him and how he loves to procrastinate. He was gonna mow the lawn Saturday. Yeah, right. At least he planted the daisy seeds. Anyway, knowing him, who knows how long he’ll stall on making the doctor’s appointment when we do get to April of ‘97? Also, who knows if a doctor can really help us? What are they gonna do? Stick a needle in his balls, draw his cum out and shove it up me? Nonetheless, this agreement has me feeling much better. All I have to do is make sure he sticks to it. He promised to and I’m gonna make sure he does keep this promise. Then again, I may feel in April of ‘97 that I’m pushing the guy to do something he really doesn’t want to do, even though he says differently, and let him off the hook. Maybe I’d feel too guilty to make him keep this promise. Not to mention how mad, depressed and led on I may feel, too. Or maybe the best thing that could happen will happen and neither of us will want a kid at all. Still, this has made it easier to deal with. I told him that the only thing that had me wondering was the fact that he chose 18 months. That seems like a long wait for someone that says they want a kid. He told me that April of ‘97 seems so long to me cuz I feel it’ll get to the point where we’ll have to go to a doctor, whereas he doesn’t feel we will have to see a doctor I know it’ll come to that point and by the time I can get him to make the appointment, get in to see a doctor, and hopefully get something done about it, we’re talking two years or more.

Then he goes on to say that I get my way with almost everything which isn’t true, otherwise we’d have a kid, we’d be in business full-fledged, I’d be a singer and all the things we said we were gonna do would be done including the back room which I know he never really had any intention of doing since day one, regardless of what he says. Maybe cuz he feels this way is another reason for him to deliberately stall on things we say we want or I say I want, along with forcing me to be patient and unspoiled. He tells me that I imagine these things about him, but up till now, it’s still hard for me to believe that I could have such a wild and active imagination due to his actions. What else would anyone think?

If he plans to cum at any point, at this time I’d say he’d start doing so at the beginning of ‘97.

The longer we go without sex, though, the easier it is in my mind to just keep it that way. I didn’t truly want to give up on our sex lives, but like I told him, if it’s just gonna cause fights and be the same old shit that’s not too frequent but filled with excuses and turn-offs, then I don’t want any part of it. He says we’ve got to break the cycle of how we screw, then we fight, then we screw, then we fight. Well, maybe if he’d make more time for it, not have so many excuses and turn-offs and weird quirks about it and show me he really appreciates what I do to him by cumming every now and then and put some effort into trying for a kid, we won’t fight as much. This does seem to be the only thing we do fight about, after all. That and his procrastinating and being a slob. I know he doesn’t appreciate some of the ways I talk too, but I’m not perfect either. I just hope we can both work on these issues together and make them better once and for all.

If we have sex before I’m mid-cycle next month, I’ll have to do my little test again. I’ll tell him I got my period a day before I really do and see if he avoids me or only does oral sex to me 14 days after I say I started my period. I know it wouldn’t matter even if we screwed when I was really at that 14-day marker since he won’t cum, but I want to see how much longer this already lengthy pattern continues.

Yesterday we got along much better and got out of here. We went to his parent’s house. First we went to get frames for two oil paintings done by some relatives of theirs who live in Michigan. They were beautiful and I’d really like to be able to do this. Tom and Ma said they didn’t see why I couldn’t with my ability to draw and Tom said that there’s a show that shows them do an oil painting of the same size of 12 x 16 in half an hour. I’m surprised that all it takes is half an hour. I thought it’d take weeks. I’d like to do scenery including palm trees, and cactuses, then eventually something like ballerinas, teddy bears and flowers. So, after Tom got them into their frames, he went out to help his dad work on one of their cars.

While they did that, me and ma hung one of the pictures since one’s going to someone else, and I glued a chain onto a stained glass hanging she had.

She gave me a thick foam-like thing to slip my pen into. This way, when my right index fingernail grows out, it won’t dig into my thumb.

She also showed me the kitchen seat cover she made. Their kitchen chairs are just like ours and I’ve been wanting to make coverings for them since they’re old and beat up. She told me there’s a place called Sass that has really cheap material and some of the elastic I’d need for the seat part so it fits snugly over the seat part.

Lastly, she had a big wide ugly oil painting of an ocean scene that had been on her living room wall since I’ve known them and she gave that to me to use to try painting on. You can paint over the old paint.

So, after we were there for a little over an hour, Tom dropped me off at home, then went back to his parent’s to work on the car for a few hours.

When he came back, we went to a bookstore. I got a really cute fish one with prisms on it and then a hard-covered one with a spiral side. I studied it carefully and it looks like I can definitely detach the papers, print them out, then put them back on the spiral part with no problems.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 6, 1995 Tom’s doing what he does 80% of the time he’s home - watching TV. I told him there’s nothing wrong with doing something he enjoys, but he complains he doesn’t have enough free time to get things done. I told him he should do stuff while he watches TV. He can play the TV on the computer while working on whatever in the back room.

He says he wants to get back into having sex again, but it seems the TV’s more important. I think he’s getting me back for not wanting sex with him for a while. I really was having fun teasing him with it and giving him a taste of his medicine for making me feel teased with you know what for so long. Also, as fun as sex can be for me, it always hurt me emotionally.

We made a couple of decisions yesterday. I fully intend to live up to what I agreed to, but he better live up to his end and not make me a naïve, foolish sucker in the end! What he agreed to is that we can see a doctor in about a year if I still can’t get pregnant. After a year, he better not keep stalling. If it’s ever not what he wants I’d rather be hurt by him telling me that than be hurt by him leading me on.

I realized, though, after we made this deal that I could have given him a reason to keep holding off for another year. If he really does want one, but planned all along to wait, he could be saying to himself, “What a perfect opportunity to wait another year and I’ll cum right before it’s time to go to the doctor cuz there’s no need for me to see a doctor when I could cum all along.”

If he really doesn’t ever want one, I hope he’ll be pressured into telling me soon enough cuz he can’t keep making excuses for why he doesn’t cum for too many years. I just hope I don’t get hurt by this one in the end, although it makes me feel so much better that he’s agreed to this and more hopeful. I still say that if our unfair God does grant us a child it’ll be years from now.

I wish I could take that injection till he cums. Tom said it’s my body so it’s up to me, but that it’d make it harder for him to cum cuz he’d be upset over not having a family. Then once he came and I stopped the injection he said he’d feel pressured to make a baby. I asked him why he didn’t feel pressured now about making a baby and he says he’s getting over it. Yeah, it really shows! I think the real reason he prefers me not to get the injection is so he can tease me with the issues of cumming and a baby. If I had the injection, all he could tease me with would be the cumming issue.

Andy and I were right after all on a couple of predictions we made. About a week ago I told Tammy that I had a bad vibe concerning Bill, but nothing too serious. Sure enough, she told me yesterday that Bill has a bad cold.

A couple of days ago Andy said he sensed some form of mail that’d make me happier than usual, but he didn’t know what. He said maybe a 20-page letter from Sarah or Gloria’s intro kit. I asked Tammy if she’s sending me any mail and she said next week probably. Great! I hope it’s a video of them and in and out of their house. According to her, a lot has changed with the house.

Gloria just released a new album on September 26th. God, she’s fast! I don’t get how she’s so fast with a husband and two kids. She’s faster than Linda who never had a family. It’s called Abrienda Puertas which means opening doors. I hope it doesn’t suck like Mi Tierra did and like Linda’s last album.

Tom and I just had a wonderful chat, but I’ll get to it later.

It’s fucking freezing out! Practically overnight. It’s amazing how it went from scorching hot to so very, very chilly just like that.

With my luck, the day I begin painting the block wall will be the day the kids and dogs move in next door.

I’m in a generous mood, so if our sex bet is still on, I’ll extend it another month till November 15th. He’s gonna lose!

Later…

It’s so peacefully quiet out. If the M’s were still here and if I’d never spoken up, the kids’ screams would be heard on and off all day from inside their house with their windows open. Then, from about 3 PM-6 PM, they’d be right outside here going crazy. It’s warmed up pretty fast out there, but summer is surely gone.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 4, 1995 I am absolutely furious right now. That mother-fucking OJ Simpson got off! I knew it though. It just goes to show you once again how if you’re a male and if you have money, you’re above the law. It also goes to show how men can beat their wives for years, then murder them and get away with it. To me, this fucking jury is no better than this known and proven murderer. I have been an admitted sexist all my life, but now I don’t think there’s a bigger sexist than me. If he had been a female or if it had been a broke female or male, they would be found guilty for sure. Maybe not even a broke male, though.

I hope and pray more than anything that someone does the right thing and kills him. What the fuck was going through God’s mind? How can He let this happen? How could God allow him kids that he’s gonna get back? I will never pray again. Never! This fucking murderer can have 4 kids and I can’t! I hope he dies! Death is what he deserves! What a slap in the face for women and a sign to the rich saying: Go ahead. Kill whoever you want cuz you can buy your way out of it. Especially if you’re a male.

What also burns me up is that people like me who want to do the right thing can’t kill him cuz then we go to jail too, and no middle-class, childless female would get off. Just like rapist Mike Tyson who just made a million dollars! Do I have to kill or hurt people to have a child and more money? Is that what it would take? I’ll bet that if I went out and killed someone, I’d be pregnant.

I’m just so sick of this crazy, sick, fucked up, unfair world! Even my sister was furious. Why the fuck were 10 jury members black? Why couldn’t there be 4 whites, 4 blacks, 4 Asian, and 4 Hispanics?

I told Tammy how furious I was cuz this two-time murderer gets to have his kids and we can’t have one. Tammy said to adopt. Tom would never go for that and I have a record, I said. Then she said that prank phone calls weren’t shit when they can let a murderer have his kids. True. But I’m a female and we’re middle-class and not rich.

I’ve tried for the last several years not to be prejudiced, but now I’m right back to how I felt at age 21 or so. Most of them are no good losers who simply want to commit crimes, but not the time.

All the more I know now not to bother praying to God. This is the final straw and I’ve lost all faith. I knew I’d never have a kid, but now I really, really know and I fully intend to ask Dr. Rausch about the injection. Tom will have to find a new game to play with me.

Meanwhile, I hope OJ dies!!!!!

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 3, 1995 I haven’t been writing nearly as much as I’d like to, but now I’m gonna catch up.

First, though, I got a letter from Kim today, as well as one from Bob. Kim also sent me a letter she got from Bob that was so funny. Not funny by him cuz he wrote the same old shit. What was funny is how Kim added her own words to it. Her comments in Bob’s letter were pretty funny and I’ll be sending Andy the letter eventually so he can post it in his laundry room.

Speaking of Andy, he should be calling me back at any moment.

Later…

A couple of days ago Andy called me telling me he had stress and anxiety like never before. The bulk of it is due to his life. He’s broke and is very lonely. He said he felt like he wanted to take some kind of medication for it. I told him that it’s his life and it’s his body, but I reminded him why I don’t approve of shit like that. To me, shrinks are no better than street drug dealers. Also, you get physically and psychologically addicted to the shit and while you’re taking it the problems are still there. Not to mention all the side effects that go with it. It’s hard, but I’d rather try to find anything I could to make a tough time easier to deal with.

So, I told him to call the crisis center if he really feels like he’s gonna freak. I got him laughing at one point when I said, “Just don’t tell him you see snow outside or that you’ve got your Superman outfit on and are gonna jump off of the high school roof.”

I also told him that he can find places where he can see a therapist for free due to him not making hardly any money. I think he qualifies for Access. I know it’s not the best medical plan in the world, but it’s better than nothing. So, he’s got an appointment to see a therapist for free in Mesa and he’s gonna apply for Access. He wants to see a doctor to see if he’s got something wrong with him or if what he’s feeling is all stress-related.

Tom and I are doing OK. I still feel my life would be pretty near perfect if Tom could cum and we could have a kid. Better yet, it’d be pretty near perfect if he could cum and I didn’t want a kid.

I doubt it, but could Tom be gay? It seems very unlikely and he knows that I’m the last person who’d freak out on him if he told me so if it were true. I just don’t know what to do anymore. If I try I get no results, if I don’t try I get no results, and I really believe that if I said nothing about it, he’d still be up to his same old tricks 5 years from now. And then at that time he still wouldn’t want to see a doctor about it. I never thought I’d want to see someone about it since I’ve always been superstitious and against stuff like that. I don’t always believe in changing the way God’s made us (if He really does exist).

He told me the other day that he does tell me the truth and that’s if he’s said anything that hasn’t come true, it wasn’t intentional. He said that he’s not out to get me, he doesn’t have a plan as to when to cum, he does want a kid, he doesn’t want to change or make me into something, and he’s not holding back.

I want more than anything to believe this, but what am I supposed to think? Then again, maybe it’d be scarier to think that there could be a very slight chance that he does have a real mental block. Cuz usually, if you’ve had a problem like that for as long as he, then it won’t go away without someone else’s help. If this were God forbid the case and if he ever did get over his embarrassment and decided to seek professional help, God only knows how many years he’d let pass before he did this.

I told him the other day to think about how he said that our insurance pays for stuff like this cuz it plays on couples’ minds psychologically and it’s playing on my mind. And that his being in denial is hurting me and making me feel like my dreams are being taken away if all’s really OK with me. But he said he knows in his mind that things will change. How many more months is he going to keep saying that?! He may be kidding himself, but he’s not kidding me. He says that he’s constantly true to himself as well as to me, but I’ll tell you one thing, I’m getting closer and closer to asking about that injection!

He also said that it’s not that our sex before we began sleeping together didn’t count. He said it was always great, he just didn’t know it’d be this great and says the difference between the two makes the sex we had before sleeping together seem like nothing. I can believe and accept that one, but I still feel the same way I’ve always felt about it. I wrote in these journals how it wouldn’t change him before we did sleep together, and I was right.

Also, shortly after I got up on Sunday, I said I had a proposition for him and suggested that we agree on a timeframe of seeing that things won’t change and then we go to a doctor. Not only did he not agree to a date which would’ve been something like 3-5 years anyway, but he was upset about it and didn’t talk to me for nearly an hour. He said it ruined his day and his opportunity to initiate sex with me.

How does and should a simple question ruin someone’s day and chance to initiate sex with someone? To me, it’s just another one of his stupid excuses. Does he think I’m stupid? Well, I’m not. Talk about a kid turns him off sexually. Now what would that tell someone? Wouldn’t it tell that person that this is someone that does not want a kid if it’s got to turn off their appetite for sex?

MONDAY, OCTOBER 2, 1995 Today was between fair and good (now yesterday). I’ve got several things to write about Andy and Tom.

First of all, I taped a movie out in the living room while Tom taped another one for me in the bedroom. It’s done recording. However, hitting the eject button seems useless in getting the tape out. I’ll have to ask Tom how it works.

We went out earlier and I got 4 puzzles. None by the company who had that puzzle offer cuz they had either ugly ones or ones I already have. They’re all dogs, kittens and teddy bears. Two of them are 12x36.

When Tom went to bed, he and I forgot to have him leave me more cigarettes, so I “psyched” them out. I felt they were by the small room in the back room. They were.

A couple of days ago I spoke to Andy who was home from work. He never calls out of work cuz he can’t entertain himself with things to do, as I can. Right away when he called me, I could tell he was miserable. He said he’s never been under such stress and anxiety before which was doing a number on him physically, too. Nerves will do it. I should know. So, later on I’ll write how I helped him which made me feel very good since I was once in his shoes and know what he’s going through!

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 1, 1995 Got a postcard from Alex yesterday. Of course his handwriting was barely legible. Tom even had trouble reading it. He sounded like Bob at one point when he said, “I still believe I’m here!” He forgot the “can’t.” I don’t know whose letters are funnier - Bob’s or Alex’s.

[ohlookanothercartoontofallinto]

Oh my GOSH I’m FINALLY DONE! I loved doing them but like DANG!  ANYWAYS  @socksandbuttons I mean a total stranger that I have never met before requested either Moon Princess 11 or Maddie, I did not see the Or so you get both DEAL WITH IT! 

Anonymous requested redesigns of my Knd Next Gen kids, since their is like 18 of them I could only do 3. First is  Luna (Stacey & Chad’s Daughter)  Second  Maria (Ace the kid & Numbuh 10′s Daughter)  Third Samson (Sonia & Lee’s Son) His design didn’t change that much because its hard to beat perfection lol. 

@mythosmaiden asked for some adult villains as awkward teenagers....apparently I don’t know how to draw awkward. HOWEVER, I drew Benedict or Father whichever, Mega Mom, and Destructo Dad. I like to think they knew each other in high school and just stuck together. 

@sixgumgang ask for Runt, and @kidsnextdoorsoopersecretpage asked for Cassidy (And yes I knew who you were referring to I was the one who gave her that name in March 2020, thou I do know a lot of the fandom call her something different.) I decided I have them fighting because I don’t get to draw that enough. 

And last but not least Anonymous asked for 11 and 100 with their Pokemon, which both so happen to be Eevee’s 

Thank you all who sent in request this was a lot of fun and it gave me a lot of good practice to I thank you for that! Until next time! 

[holidaywishes]

I don't get you...

  Requested: 👍

  Summary/Request: Can I request just some like filthy smut with Fred? Maybe sugar daddy Freddie? But like there’s actual feelings involved and maybe the reader flirts with Auston and it makes him jealous then he tells them he loves them then fucks the living daylights out of them...or something along those lines

  Warning: smut as per request, some angst, a little bit of fluff

  Author’s Note: So, anon, I'm not sure this is exactly what you wanted. I went through a lot as I was writing this, so that's part of the reason why it took forever to get this out. But yeah, it started out as something short and filthy and then moved to something exceptionally long and fluffy and I nearly forgot that I was supposed to be writing smut. Also, I'm really in a ✨summer vibes✨ kind of mood lately and I really want to go to the beach but because I can’t until the borders open, I guess I’ll write about it. Hope this can give everyone a bit of a reprieve from everything for a little bit! Stay Golden, loves! <3

  masterlist

  the other masterlist

xx

Freddie’s P.O.V

  You never expected her to agree to the arrangement, you didn’t think she was the type, but you weren’t looking for a relationship at the time. She told you she’d never had a sugar daddy before but she was happy to try it out

  “I’ve met people who’ve done it and they seem to be really happy,” she said

  “Well, yeah, I would think they would be,” you joked, “a little bit of money for a little bit of pleasure...”

  “That makes it sound like prostitution” she giggled and you nodded

  “It’s not, I didn’t mean it like that...”

  “I mean, it’s not far off, I suppose”

  “But you’re okay with it?”

  “I’m okay with it, but I’m curious,” she asked, “if you’re willing to spend money on me and fly me places and do literally everything a partner does... why not actually be partners?”

  “I just think we’re better off doing this”

  “I know,” she added, “but why?”

  “My life... is a lot for a relationship. I don’t want to put anyone in a position where the fans or the media can tear them down”

  “But you like me enough to do all the same stuff?”

  “Yeah, just... as a secret” you admitted shyly

  “Alright” she finally said, leaning in to plant a kiss on your cheek before your hands latched onto her sides to pull her closer and station her on your lap. “I have to go...” she whined and you groaned in response

“But you don’t” you laughed

“I have to do a presentation tomorrow that I have to work on”

“Skip it,” you mumbled, “you know that you don’t have to work”

“I still like to work”

“Just stay a little bit longer” you urged, kissing her neck and squeezing her hips tighter

“Freddie...” she moaned before you picked her up and carried her to your bedroom, dropping her onto the big mattress. She giggled as she bit her lip, waiting for you to lay your body against hers, “come here.”

xx

  The arrangement was simple. He wanted a warm body just not a relationship. You were in debt up to your eyeballs but you still had very, very expensive tastes and Freddie was all too eager to get you whatever you wanted. There was never any real talk about never developing feelings or what would happen if either of you eventually did but his lips fit so perfectly with yours and your bodies knew instinctively what to do for each other and the way his fingertips grazed the sensitive skin on the sides of your neck made your vision blurry and you weren’t sure how long you could keep this... simple. You were able to work enough that you were chipping away at your debt while Freddie indulged in your materialistic cravings. His gifts were relatively tame so far. Some jewellery, a few designer handbags, some very expensive lingerie, a pair of vintage Chanel stilettos that you almost never wore and when you asked why he didn’t get you Louboutin’s, he smirked and said ‘that’s what every other guy gets his girl. You deserve better than that.’ He really did know just how to say the right thing to make you feel important to him without fully taking that next step but when he started to offer bigger gifts, things started to feel different

  “You can’t buy me a car!”

  “Why not?”

  “I barely drive!”

  “Okay, what about a house?”

  “I’m sorry what?”

  “A house. I mean, not like a mansion but an apartment or like a cottage. By the lake...”

  “That’s too much” you scoffed, fluttering around your kitchen putting away dishes and wiping off the counter before your roommate could complain that the house was a mess

 “You shouldn’t have roommates. Not if you’re with me” he replied and you furrowed your brow before leaning on the cold granite of the counter

  “But I’m not with you...” you corrected, “not like that. How am I supposed to explain to people how I suddenly have enough money to have a cottage by the lake when I’m still paying off student loans and credit card debts?”

  “Tell them it was a super great deal!”

  “Because they’ll definitely believe that” you sighed, walking over to him and pecking his cheek before he followed you to the couch

  “Then say it was a gift”

  “From who? Who would gift something like that to someone? Am I supposed to tell people that you’re my sugar daddy now?” you teased

  “You could say you won the lottery,” he suggested but you ignored it, instead turning toward the TV and switching it on, “I mean that happens right?”

  “Freddie... it’s sweet but it’s way too much” you repeated softly and he dropped it

  “Come hang out with me this summer. I have a place right on the water, it’s beautiful there”

  “Where?” you asked curiously

  “Muskoka”

  “You wanna take me to Muskoka?”

  “It’s romantic there,” he added, creeping over to kiss your shoulder before his body hovered over yours and his lips slowly connected with yours, “and it’s private, too. We don’t have to worry about people interrupting us”

  “People don’t interrupt us he--”

  “(Y/N)!” your roommate yelled, interrupting your moment with Freddie and completely destroying your words even before she came down the stairs, Freddie putting as much space in between the two of you as to not give anything away. “Hey, where is.. oh sorry, I didn’t realize we had company”

  “Stacey, this is Freddie,” you smiled awkwardly, hoping your face wasn’t too flushed, “Freddie, this is my roommate, Stacey.”

  “Nice to meet you” Freddie greeted politely

  “Yeah, you too” Stacey replied, almost suspiciously and you scoffed

  “So what were you looking for?”

  “Huh?” she was clearly lost in thought now, “oh right! That big bag of sunscreen, where did it go? I thought it was in the closet in the bathroom but I didn’t see it. Did you move it?”

  “I did,” you admitted, smiling as you stood up, walking to the bathroom upstairs to show her, “it was just taking up so much space so I took them out of the bag and put them under the sink separately”

  “Ahh, okay. Thanks”

  “No problem,” you said, turning to walk downstairs

  “Wait!” she exclaimed, stopping you, “who is that?”

  “Freddie?”

  “Yeah, I mean... are you two dating? Why have I never met him before?” she rambled before her eyes went wide and panic rushed through your chest, “is this a first date?” you exhaled in relief, laughing in response

  “No, it’s not a date. First or otherwise. He’s just a friend, I met him at a work party last year”

  “Oh, right...” you could tell she didn’t believe you but you weren’t going to try to argue, fearing if you did that you might let the truth slip. She finally let you head back downstairs but before you reached the bottom, your phone chimed

  “Had to go” Freddie’s text read and you sighed before dropping your head

  “You didn’t have to...” you replied

  “I did but the offer still stands. You, me, the lake, Muskoka. Come”

  “I’ll think about it.”

xx

Freddie’s P.O.V

  After weeks of constant begging, (Y/N) agreed to go to the cottage with you over the summer and it was perfect. You almost never left the bedroom and when you did, it was to take a drive into the city to get a few groceries and then you’d lock yourself back in the house, drawing the curtains to block out the light. After that, she asked to go back the next summer and you were more than happy to oblige

  “You liked it huh?” you teased as the two of you lay in bed

  “I had a lot of fun,” she smirked, lifting your hand up so she could trace her finger along your palm mindlessly, “pretending like the world didn’t exist”

  “You sure you don’t want me to just.. get you your own?”

  “No,” she scoffed, “I like yours. As yours, don’t think about giving it to me”

  “Fine” you laughed at her figuring you out before you could even get your suggestion out.

  “Fine” she mocked, rolling over to kiss your cheek and lay on your chest, tracing her fingers across your skin

  “God you’re beautiful” you exhaled as you brushed her hair away from her face

  “YO ‘ZILLA!” you heard Auston yell as he crashed through your front door

  “Shit!” you panicked

  “What is he doing here?” she asked in a hushed voice

  “I don’t know, I thought he was gonna be playing golf all afternoon”

  “FREDDIE?” Auston yelled again

  “Just get dressed, I’ll go talk to him”

  “Okay” she laughed

  “Yo, Tony, what are you doing here?”

  “Hey!” He exclaimed, “I came to hang out with you... am I bothering you?”

  “No of course not. I just thought you’d be at the course for most of the day...”

  “Yeah.. it wasn’t all that exciting today. What have you—”

  “So I think that Shelley was right!” (Y/N) yelled as she came down the stairs, interrupting Auston with some lie that you couldn’t even follow. “I think we did do an event down the street,” you smirked, watching her eye-line go past you and to Auston, “oh, hi...”

  “Hi...” he hesitated

  “I’m (Y/N)”

  “Auston. It’s nice to meet you” he greeted and you watched as the two of them stared at each other

  “Matts, (Y/N) is a friend of a friend and she wanted to see a vantage point... from upstairs”

  “Not a vantage point. See, I work at an event planning company, I’m an intern but I help with a lot of events and one of them was an MLSE fundraiser and, Shelley, my friend that’s also Freddie’s friend,” she rambled and you had to stop yourself from laughing, “she said that Fred’s apartment was nearby but I didn’t believe it...”

  “Right,” he smirked, “well, now you know right?”

  “Right,” she smiled brightly, “but hey. I should go, I have stuff but thanks, Fred, for letting me look. It was nice to meet you, Auston.”

  “Yeah.. nice to meet you, too. Maybe I’ll see you again?”

  “Now now,” you intervened, “no flirting”

  “Bye Freddie” she chuckled before walking out the door.

  “She’s cute,” Auston said to you and you could sense that he was trying to get more information, “young for you though huh?”

  “We’re not dating” you tried

  “So she really was just here to scope out the view?” he teased

  “I guess so” you tried, making your way to the kitchen to grab a glass of water

  “You wouldn’t mind, then, if I asked her out?” he asked, forcing you to sigh at his incessant attempts not to drop the subject

  “No, go for it...”

  “I will” he smirked and that was the end of the conversation. You found out a few days later that he had actually asked (Y/N) out for dinner but she told him she had to think about it

  “What am I supposed to say, Freddie?” she asked, following you around your apartment, her annoyance apparent as she waited for an answer

  “You should say yes” you replied

  “Is that what you want?”

  “I mean you said it yourself, we’re not together. We’re not dating, we just sleep together every once in a while and I buy you stuff. I don’t care who you date...”

  “It’s not tha..” she stammered, shaking her head hastily, “it’s a little more complicated than just me dating someone else. This isn’t just some guy you’ve never met before who wants to take me out on a date. This is your teammate, your friend. He has a key to your apartment. You watch his dog... so it’s not as simple as what you think it is”

  “I’m fine with it. We’ll still do what we do, if you want, and Auston doesn’t have to find out” you added, sitting down at the kitchen island, fidgeting with your water bottle

  “And what if he does?”

  “He won’t”

  “You really want me to say yes?”

  “If you say no, he’s going to think something is going on with us,” you admitted, “if you say yes, he won’t. Simple”

  “That’s all this is?” she sneered, “I’m surprised you haven’t told him already. It’s not something that you’re ashamed of. Unless... are you ashamed of me?”

  “No” you replied. She sat down slowly in the seat across from you and dropped her head to her hands before exhaling

  “Fine,” you groaned, “I’ll say yes.”

xx

  It was the last thing you really wanted to do but Freddie seemed intent on you going on a date with Auston. It wasn’t awful but it didn’t feel right but the two of you stayed in touch, which created its own issues between you and Freddie, just like you knew it would. After nearly a year, you had grown a lot closer with Freddie’s teammates than you thought you would and you were starting to feel like part of the group, whether or not that was a good thing remained to be seen. It did allow you to spend time with Freddie outside of the bedroom but it led to questions about why you never carried a wallet or offered to pay for meals

  “I’m all for chivalry,” Morgan chuckled, taking a sip of his drink as the server took everyone’s plates away, “but you can clearly afford to foot the bill every here and there. I’ve seen all these fancy things before, I’ve bought a few of ‘em for Tessa, so...”

  “This stuff...” you stalled, gesturing to your purse and your clothes, “they’re all gifts”

  “Some friends who get you those gifts” Auston laughed

  “Who said they’re from friends? What about family?”

  “Or a boyfriend?” he teased, your eyes darting to Freddie quickly to gauge his reaction; nothing, completely stoic

  “No boyfriend. I’m not much for the ‘shower me with gifts’ kind of relationship” this comment earned a round of scoffs from the boys in front of you and you just rolled your eyes in return. Freddie offered you a ride home which you took gladly because you wanted to see where his head was at

  “So...” you started before Freddie huffed

  “The guys are coming out to the lake next week. You’re welcome to come but it won’t be like last year”

  “Are you mad at me?” you asked, turning your body to face him

  “No, why would I be mad?” he chided, keeping his eyes on the road

  “I don’t know,” you replied, turning back to face the road yourself, “but I’m glad you’re not mad. I love the lake so I’m happy to go, even if it won’t be like last year...”

  “Great” he sighed

  “Perfect” you replied, pursing your lips as the rest of the drive was spent in silence. He drove into the underground parking lot, turning off the ignition before looking at you

  “They really like you” he said and you furrowed your brow

  “Yeah... I’m likeable” you joked

  “It’s good,” he said, “but maybe after the lake, you should keep your distance”

  “What?” you scoffed as Freddie opened the door and made his way to open your door, leaning his hands against the side of the car and caging you in lightly

  “Or we need to end this arrangement”

  “So, it’s an ultimatum? You or them?” he nodded, sliding his arm under your legs to pick you up and carry you upstairs. It was a strange request but you could barely concentrate on your thoughts with the way his hands began roaming your body once he set you down. After the week had passed, and you managed to patch up things with Freddie, you were on your way back to the place where you had come to know as if it were your own. You wondered how different things would feel there, with ‘the boys’ being there, and if Freddie would keep his distance from you or if the tension would be too much to bear.

xx

Auston’s P.O.V

  You spent most of your time in the water, or watching (Y/N), while everyone else seemed to find other things to occupy their time. You couldn’t believe that (Y/N) hadn’t pursued more of a relationship with you, especially when you thought the date went really well; you decided to make it your mission to get her to fall in love with you or find out if there was something else going on.

  "So..." you grunted, taking a seat next to (Y/N), "how are you liking the cottage?"

  "It's beautiful out here" she answered with a smile

  "Isn't it though?" you said

  "Are you mocking me?" she laughed

 "I would never"

  "You're still mad that I didn't want to date you, aren't you?" she asked, taking you a bit by surprise and you weren't really sure how honest you should be

  "Why didn't you want to date me?" you said curiously, "I mean the date that we went on was good, wasn't it?"

  "It was fine, yeah," she replied, unimpressed as she seemed to remember the date in her mind, "I just have a bit of a complicated situation going and I didn't feel like adding more to that. But, I'm sorry, that wasn't fair to you"

  "Oh," you really were hoping that she would've made some joke about it all instead of... actually telling you the truth, but here you were. "Thank you..." you hesitated before chuckling, "I'm over it anyway. Let's just enjoy the summer, okay?"

  "Yeah" she grinned. As the night drew on, Freddie got the barbeque ready while setting out snacks as Mo, Mitch and Cogs grabbed a seat around the fire.

  “HEY! YOU TWO, COME HANG OUT BY THE FIRE!” Fred yelled to you and (Y/N) as the two of you stayed on the dock

  "I wanna go in the water!" she yelled

  "YEAH ME TOO!" you chuckled in return, seeing Freddie's distaste from where you stood before (Y/N) slipped by you and ran into the lake

  "HOLY SHIT IT'S COLD!" she screamed, her body already shivering from just a few inches of water crashing against the bare skin of her legs

  "What did you expect?" you scoffed, wading the water as you neared her, lowering your body so the water covered your chest

  "I don't know.." she hesitated, trying her best to maintain the composure of her voice before her shivers took over, "I just didn't expect it to be that cold..."

  "Well now you know" you smirked, catching her stare just as your body reached her space, letting your frame hover over hers as the two of you stood in the cold water; the waves splashing against your hips and trying their best to drag both of you into the current.

  "Right" she whispered, unable to tear her eyes from yours

  "Right" you returned, squatting down in front of her, your lips grazing her chest while your gaze stayed trained on her. You could feel her breathing build in her chest as your fingers traced her skin before you picked her up and she squealed

  "STOP!" she laughed as you threw her over your shoulder

  "What? I'm not doing anything!" you joked. She started to squirm in your grasp before eventually straightening her body which, luckily for you, meant that your face met her chest; you felt her hands rest gently on her shoulders as you shamelessly stared at her breasts before looking back up at her

  "Don't do it" she breathed

  "Do what?" you replied quietly

  "I know what you're thinking" she said and you smirked

  "No, no I don't think you do"

  "Don't do it Auston..." she repeated

  "You need to get used to the temperature," you replied, a grin growing on your face, "and the best way to do that is just to do it..."

  "You throw me in and I'll take you down with me" she threatened but you weren't going to listen. You stopped only for a second when you heard Freddie call to the two of you and you turned around to see him on the shore. You grinned before turning back, throwing (Y/N) in the water before feeling the tug on the back of your neck; both of you crashing into the water. When you finally came to the surface, you splashed water at her which she reciprocated before looking over at Freddie, "we should probably head in."

xx

Freddie's P.O.V

  You watched as the two of them held onto each other in the water, not able to discern their emotions from the distance you were at, but you didn’t like it. You called them in one more time before Auston tossed (Y/N) into the water and they began splashing water at each other. She looked back at you before wiping the water from her eyes and saying something to Auston, the two of them making their way back to shore.

  “Hey,” Auston said breathlessly as he walked past you

  “Finally had enough of the water huh?” you teased to which Auston just smirked, looking back at (Y/N) then back at you

  “Hi” (Y/N) said when she got close to you but your irritation from what you’d witnessed caused you to all but ignore her as you turned to walk back to the fire. The six of you sat around the fire, drinking, laughing and telling stories while you felt (Y/N)’s eyes on you, begging you to look at her without having to say the words

  “Well,” she sighed when you kept your eyes away from hers, “I’m exhausted from all that fun in the water. I’ll see you all in the morning” she laughed, Morgan and Andrew standing up to showcase their chivalry

  “Have a good sleep” Andrew smiled as (Y/N) made her way back inside. You weren’t sure how long you should wait to talk to her but you knew it couldn’t be too much longer

  “I’m gonna get some sleep as well” you said, finishing your drink as you stood up

  “Oh yeah, sure...” Cogs teased and you rolled your eyes at the tone

  “Goodnight. Please don’t destroy the deck” you said, making your way inside and turning down the hall toward (Y/N)’s room, letting yourself in

  “Hey!” she exclaimed, irritated that you didn’t knock, “what are you doing?”

  “I came to talk to you”

  “Oh really? You’ve sure done a great job of ignoring me all night. What do you have to say now?”

  “You can’t act like that,” you said under your breath, referring to how she was with Auston

  “Act like what?!” she argued, raising her voice as she stepped toward you

  “Like that!” you repeated, gesturing to the lake, trying your best to keep your voice low. “Throwing yourself all over Auston like that. Half naked and soaking wet no less”

  “Oh my god,” she scoffed, “you’re jealous”

  “Jealous?” you huffed at the suggestion

  “Yes. I have no idea why you would be but it sounds an awful lot like jealousy how you’re talking to me right now” she urged, anger covering her face

  “What if I was jealous?”

  “Why would you be jealous?”

  “BECAUSE I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU!”

  “What?” she whispered, stumbling back

  “I love you,” you said calmly, vulnerably, as you studied her expression

  “You don’t love me, you’re not in love with me” she argued, shaking her head in disbelief

  “I do!”

  “YOU DON’T!” she yelled, “YOU— I— ugh” she groaned

  “What?”

  “I don’t get you,” she sighed, “one second you say you don’t want a relationship and you want to be my ‘sugar daddy’ then the next you say you’re in love with me? Which is it?”

  “Both”

  “Both?” you could feel the disgust in her words but it almost made you laugh

  “Yeah, both,” you countered, “I didn’t set out to fall in love and get into a relationship, especially when I met you,” you noticed her mouth drop, realizing you had to backtrack. “I wanted to protect you from my life but I liked being around you. And the sex was amazing”

  “So all you wanted was sex”

  “Maybe that’s where it started,” you admitted, “but somewhere along the way I fell in love with you and I realized I would still be paying for everything either way but this way I’d get you all to myself”

  “Oh so now it’s about possession?” she growled and you rolled your eyes

  “I’m not trying to possess you,” you groaned, “I just wanna be with you because I love you. I have no idea why because you’re impossible to deal with and you test me every god damn second like I’m still in school but I can’t help it” you bit your bottom lip as you thought about tearing off her clothes, taking a step closer to where she stood. “I see you and you make everything... different. My heart races and I blush and I sweat and I just want to be around you. All the time. It’s infuriating. But I love you and I think I have since the beginning” she stood silently in front of you before you boxed her in with your arms, letting her eyes linger up your chest until they found yours, placing your hands on her hips to bring her even closer to you

  “Show me,” she said softly, watching your lips. You let your fingers slide up her body until they reached her neck, cupping her face as you kissed her softly. Her body moving closer to yours, forcing your feet to move backward until you felt the bed behind you, stopping only for a minute to pick her up

  “I love you” you repeated and, as if something possessed her, she bit her lip and pushed you onto the mattress

  “I want you to fuck me”

  “You’re n—”

  “Fuck. Me” she interrupted, moving across your body to straddle your lap. You honestly thought she’d say it back and it was throwing you off that she wasn’t. “What’s wrong?” she groaned when she finally realized that you weren’t exactly following through

  “I can’t do this” you sighed, pushing her off of you to walk across the room, dropping your head in your hand

  “What?” she scoffed

  “I...”

  “Should I go ask Auston? I bet he’d be more than happy to fuck me” she teased, smirking when she saw the glare on your face. You promptly made your way back to her, harshly grabbing her hips and turning her around where she stood; moving your hands up her body to clear her hair from her neck to bite at the sensitive skin between her neck and her shoulder. You felt her hips push back into yours and you grinned at her sudden neediness

  "Is this what you want?" you whispered

  "I told you. I want you to fuck me" she breathed, placing her hand on yours to guide it onto her breast and she leaned against your chest, continuing to back her ass against your growing erection. You pushed your hands into the waistband of her shorts and underwear, tearing them off her body, kissing up her legs and removing her shirt before forcing her to lean against the bed, keeping her back straight. “Freddie...” she whimpered when you stepped back, making sure not to touch her just yet

  “Shh,” you hushed before pushing your shorts off to expose your hardened cock. You ran your finger down her spine until you felt her shiver underneath your touch, holding yourself in your free hand before you began running the tip along her folds; letting her moan fill the room before you pushed yourself into her entrance. "Shhh," you repeated as her sounds started to get louder, "you don't want everyone to hear, do you?" she let out another moan before she nodded her head, looking at you over her shoulder and smirking as she watched you fuck her. She rocked back into you, sending vibrations through your body and encouraging you to dig your nails into her hips, fucking her harder. You moaned lowly as your pleasure began to increase, slapping her ass to give her the playful punishment you thought she deserved for teasing you earlier

  "Fuck" she shouted breathlessly, earning a growl from you as you tried to fuck her into silence. You weren't surprised when her panting filled the room and she brought her body up so she could lean against your chest. "Fuck" she repeated, quieter this time, as your fingers lingered to her core, pressing on her sensitive bud as your thrusts became stutters and grunts continuously left your lips. You came, messily, inside her but kept your fingers moving against her clit as you took yourself out of her, kneeling down in time to find your juices leaking down her leg; snaking your head between her legs to lick up the liquid teasingly. "You need to cum, don't you?" you baited, your finger poking inside and curving to find her g-spot while you gently swept the tip of your tongue across her clit

  "Fuck, yes," she panted, "faster baby. Make me cum" you smirked at her pleas. You quickened your ministrations until her legs shook and she was unable to stand, falling to her knees while a sigh exited her mouth. Her hand lazily rested on your chest as she attempted to compose herself and you could only chuckle

  "Oh we're not done yet"

  "What?" she gulped, eyebrows raising in surprise

  "Oh no no no no," you laughed, "you wanted me to fuck you. I'm gonna fuck you senseless. Until you can't speak without feeling me inside you. Until you see my face with every breath you take. Until you feel the heat from my body against yours just by walking across the room. Until you need to beg for mercy at any given second because I'm still making you cum."

  "T--" she hesitated, pushing herself up as best she could while still not being able to use her legs, "that sounds good to me"

  "You sure you can handle it?" you asked

  "From you?" she replied, raising her hand to stroke your cheek, "any day. All-day"

  "I do love you" you admitted once more, hoping she'd say it back but helping her up gently so you could continue to fuck her, as you promised you would

  "I love you, too" she confessed and you kissed her quickly, lifting her up and carrying her to the bed. It was at that moment, when you saw her smiling underneath you, that you didn't care if the guys heard the two of you. She was yours and you were hers. You had her and she had you. Nothing could ruin that.

[seawolvesanddragons]

AWAE 25 Days of Christmas Day 5: “Secret”

The Avonlea schoolhouse was all abuzz as Ms. Stacey explained to them the “Christmas Exchange” assignment she had for them. The idea, as she explained to them, was to anonymously do something special for their selected person in the last week before the Christmas Holiday. It was up to the students what they wished to do, but Professor Stacy was very clear that any presents or surprises should be entirely original and homemade. On the last day, they would reveal who they had. 

“I hope this gives many of you the opportunity to see your peers in a new light, and find out what makes them happy,” Ms. Stacey said. 

Moody raised his hand first. “Do we get to pick who our person is?” 

“No. You’re drawing them at random,” Ms. Stacey picked up a wooden bowl off of her desk, and tilted it to show them the several slips of paper inside. “The lower grades will go first, and then I’ll put the older student’s names in.” 

“Can we switch who we have?” Josie asked. 

“No, Josie, you may not.” 

Paul L was the next one to raise his hand. “When you say homemade-”

“I mean homemade,” Ms. Stacey repeated, a twinkle in her eye. “Look at this as an opportunity to stretch your creativity.” 

This statement was met with a scattering of groans, but Anne grinned broadly. She could think of a dozen things she could do to make a homemade gift for her secret special person. She jumped from idea to idea as Ms. Stacey went through the selection process with the younger students. 

She could bake a pie, or a tart, or arrange a nice Christmas decoration for their desk. Sewing was probably out, as Anne wouldn’t have the time (or possibly the skill) to make anything truly special for them. She wondered if she would be lucky enough to draw Diana or Ruby’s name, and write a special story for them. 

When the time came, Anne directed all of her positive energy into the bowl, urging the universe to answer her plea and give her Diana or Ruby, perhaps Moody or Jane, as her secret person. 

Her fingers finally closed on one slip and she drew it out, flattening it out under her hand to sneak a peek. 

Her heart skipped at the name written on the paper. How on earth would she be able to make this person’s a special surprise? It was a near impossible task! Unfathomable! 

Ms. Stacey had already moved on to Diana, who fished her hand around before finally picking a slip. Anne tried to guess who her bosom friend selected based on her expression, but Diana’s face remained absolutely neutral. 

Ms. Stacey dismissed them shortly after, and Diana and Anne began their familiar walk back, shivering slightly from the cold. 

“Who do you have?” Diana asked as soon as they were out of earshot of any of their classmates. 

“Diana!” Anne laughed a little at her friend’s eagerness. “We’re not supposed to say until the last day. It could ruin the surprise.” 

“But we could help each other,” Diana said. “We could come up with some ideas for us to do for our secret people.” 

“I’m not telling you Diana,” Anne shook her head ruefully. “You can find out next week with everyone else.” 

“Is it me?” Diana said, suddenly shrewd. “Is that why you won’t tell me?” 

“Maybe,” Anne answered, trying not to give anything away. 

Diana studied her face. “It’s not me,” she decided. “You’d be far more gleeful. And it’s not Ruby, because I have her-” 

“Diana!”

“You’ll have to help me deliver the surprise, by the way, or she’ll catch on that it’s me,” Diana said. “Is it Tillie? Moody?” 

“I’m not saying,” Anne insisted, moving faster along the path to the fork that separated their ways home. 

“Is it Josie? Oh, Charlie?” 

“Goodbye Diana!” Anne called over her shoulder as she hurried away from her friend’s interrogation. 

“I’ll figure it out,” Diana warned her teasingly, shouting at her retreating back. 

Anne shuddered, both from the cold and her friend’s parting jibe. She had no doubt that Diana would eventually figure it out, if only through process of elimination. Diana would no doubt have plenty to say when she did. But Anne wanted a few days to keep this information to herself. Something in her reveled in keeping her person secret, as if it were some type of sacred, intimate bond. 

Unbidden, her fingers rubbed against the parchment tucked away in her coat pocket, tracing the lettering on it. 

There, in Ms Stacey’s immaculate handwriting, was the name Gilbert Blythe. 

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

summertime sadness .5.

work day

Sequel to kiss me in the d-a-r-k

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 (masterlist under construction)

Warnings: dub con sex (fingering)

This is dark!(dad)Steve and dark(professor!)Bucky explicit. 18+ only. I know they aren’t super dark, but like questionable so I’m keeping those tags just to be safe.

Summary: Loki adds to your workload.

Note: Right, here we go, here we go, here go again. Girls, what's my weakness? Men! Sorry, minor detour there but are we ready for the darkness? Y'all hold onto your panties. Thanks everyone for their support and I love you all! 💋

<3 Let me know what you think in a reblog, reply, or like. I’m loving the feedback from y'all and the enthusiasm! Also as always, memes accepted.

💋💋💋

You didn’t sleep much. Every time you closed your eyes, the scene flashed behind your eyelids. Loki standing over you, the image on his phone, his hand on your chin. And then you thought of Bucky. It was hard not to; your phone buzzed all night as you ignored his messages. Steve’s too. It had finally caught up to you and it felt worse than you could imagine. A man you admired thought you nothing more than a floozy. Well, maybe you were.

Saturday shone through your window and you rolled over. You were exhausted; mentally, emotionally. Your hours were spent reprimanding yourself. Going over all your mistakes; every single choice that had led to such disaster. You sat up and rubbed your eyes. You moved slowly, your body cramped from the tension.

The grind of your coffee machine filled the apartment as you sat at your desk. A mark of your guilt. A gift from one illicit lover; another having defiled you a top it. A year ago, to think of all that had transpired, you would’ve been appalled. You were. You’d sold your integrity for fleeting pleasures. You felt cheated. By yourself more than any.

You filled a mug and grabbed your phone from beside your bed. You hadn’t looked at it since you laid down the night before. Missed calls, unanswered texts, unread emails. You answered Bucky first, a simple ‘I wasn’t feeling well. Sorry.’ Besides, he had plans with Tanya, or was busy dodging her.

You texted the same to Steve and his response was swift. Your phone vibrated as his ID flashed across the screen and you answered the call after several rings. You were weak, breathless.

“Hey,” You said quietly and sipped your coffee.

“Hey, you okay?” He asked.

“Fine,” You lied poorly. “Work’s kept me busy and… I guess it’s gotten ahead of me.”

“Oh,” He uttered. “Any plans today?”

“Rest,” You shrugged and sat back in your chair. “After I sort through all my work emails and catch up.”

“Bucky?” He asked.

“I… I’m tired.” You grumbled. “I… need a break.”

“I’m sure work would understand if you took a day to yourself.” Steve said.

“No, no, I can’t do that,” You said suddenly. “I wasn’t talking about work.”

“What do you--”

“You shouldn’t be calling me. You should call Kylie. See how she’s doing.” You interrupted. “And Bucky should worry about his students. About marking and whatever. And I need to think about myself and my job.” You stood and paced around the small space of your apartment. “I’m sorry but… you said it yourself. It’s okay to be selfish, so I’m going to be selfish and think about my future because fucking old men isn’t going to get me anywhere.”

You hung up before he could respond. And then your heart sank. Why had you said that? It all had spilled from you so quickly. You cringed and your phone began to buzz again. It was Steve. You let out a shaky breath and dismissed the call. You set your phone to do not disturb’ and tossed it on your bed. Maybe your words were rash but it didn’t make them any less true.

💋

Monday. You walked into Adder Press with a pit in your stomach. You were jittery from more than your morning coffee. You gripped the strap of your bag tightly as you passed Stacey. Everything around you seemed distant, obscured by the haze that fell over you. You sat at your desk, numb, and began to set out your stuff as you always did. In a desperate attempt to make it all feel normal again.

As you waited for your computer to boot, you felt a subtly weight on the back of your chair. You looked up at Loki as he gripped the chair and smirked down at you. You blanched and your pen slipped from your hand. He bent to grab it before you could and as he rose, he dragged the lid against your leg. He held it out and you snatched it from him.

“Morning meeting in five,” He said as he stood before you. “Then I wanted to go over layout with you. A useful lesson if you ever hope to be anything more than a freelancer. You have to have a good eye… for detail.”

You gulped and nodded. “Yes, okay, yeah.” You set the pen down on your desk. “Five minutes.”

He winked and left you there to stew in your shame. You glanced around but no one else seemed to notice your tense interaction. They were all too concerned with their own schedules, their own presence at the meeting. Really, who cared much about the summer intern?

You were antsy as you walked into the conference room. You hid between Vanessa, a political pundit, and Jory, who covered local business stories. Loki sat near the head of the table as the marketing head went over the final prints of the Pride issue. You folded your hands before you but couldn’t concentrate. 

Your eyes wandered from the powerpoint and you found the editor-in-chief peering over at you. Another sinister grin sent a chill through you. You looked back to the screen and prayed for the day to go quickly. Your heart felt as if it would explode.

When you broke out, you dragged your feet and were the last out of the room. You lingered at your desk as you grabbed your notebook and pen. Loki’s office beckoned to you ominously. He stood in the doorway watching you; waiting for you. You neared him as his lips curled.

He shut the door and you jumped at the click. He brushed past you before he rounded his desk. He pulled a chair with him and placed it beside his. He waved you over. You took a breath and crossed to him. As you sat, he pinched your ass and you pressed your lips together to keep from yelping.

His hand settled on your thigh as his other moved his mouse. He opened a page from last month’s issue and kept his eyes on the screen as he kneaded your leg. “We’ll go over composition. How to draw the reader’s eye and using layout to enhance your words.”

You nodded stiffly and shakily opened your notebook. He kept his hand on your thigh as you place the book on his desk and uncapped your pen. He circled the title with his cursor, entirely unfazed by your discomfort. His fingers slipped closer to your pelvis.

“Titles are easy but you’ll want to position them according to article type as well. Is it an editorial? Review? Reflective?” He continued. “Now, most editors would leave this to marketing and such but… I try to be hands on with every aspect of my business. My seal is on every page, ever word, that goes out.”

You scribbled down a jumble of words as his hand slid between your thighs and he squeezed. You flinched and he let out a soft chuckle under his breath. You kept your wide eyes on the monitor and he carried on his lesson. His hand never quite reaching its target. He was teasing you. Asserting the new power he held over you.

When he finished his spiel, he drew away and turned his chair to face you. His legs were far apart and you tried not to look at the obvious bulge in his pants. You kept your head down as you slipped your notebook down onto your lap. 

“I’ve got an important lunch date tomorrow,” He said. “I should like you to accompany me, darling.”

You peeked up at him. “Okay.”

“Sceptre Press is looking to expand its mediums. The director of Celestial has agreed to discuss a partnership.” He said coolly.

“Oh?” You breathed. “They… do podcasts?”

“Mostly,” He confirmed. “But, my dear, do wear something nice. A skirt.”

You crossed your legs. Your straight-cut pants felt thin enough. “Alright.”

“No panties.” He licked his lips. “Our little secret… well, another one, yeah?”

“Okay.” You said. You bit down and your pen rolled out of your grasp once more. 

His eyes followed the pen and flicked back to you. “Well, go on,” He mused. “Very… clumsy today.”

You bent to retrieve your pen and he caught the back of your head. He held you there and rolled his chair closer so that his lap was only inches from your face. He snickered as you tried to pull away but quickly gave up. His other hand stretched over his crotch and he grasped his erection through the thin fabric of his trousers.

“I could make you do it right now,” He slithered. “Hmm?”

“Yes,” You uttered. 

“I’m tempted,” He rubbed himself and shifted his hand as he pushed you closer. “Kiss it.” You closed your eyes and kissed his bulge. He shivered and let you go. You sat up, dizzy, and he grinned at you. “Not yet.” He preened. “But I do have to take care of this…” He ran his hand across his lap again. “So if you would excuse me. I am certain you have work to catch up on.”

You stood and back away slowly. “Yes, sir.” You turned as you rounded the desk.

“Sir? I like that,” He called from behind you as you neared the door. “Oh, darling, one more thing.”

You spun back to him and shielded your chest with your notebook. “Yes?”

“I’ll need some inspiration so before you sit down, go to the lav and take a nice photo for me.” He made a show of unzipping his pants behind his desk. “I bet you’re wearing a sweet little white bra, aren’t you? Maybe a precious pink number?”

Your throat tightened as you stared back at him. “Okay.” You forced out. “Is that all?”

“For now,” He shooed you away with a wave of his fingers. “As you will.”

💋

You had few skirts to choose from. You settled on a lavender one that ended just above your knees. With it, you wore a blouse with a Peter Pan collar and a grey blazer with three-quarter length sleeves. It wasn’t as enticing as any other outfit you owned; which was not at all. Perhaps that would work in your favour.

When you arrived at the bistro, Loki waved you ahead of him as you followed the hostess to your booth. You slid across the bench first and he was close behind. He took out his phone and checked it before he set it face down on the table. He asked for water and nothing else.

Your leg shook under the table nervously. He grabbed your thigh to still you. The waitress returned and he thanked her, his hand still on your leg. When she departed, his fingers slowly gathered your skirt. You reached to pull it back and he tssked.

“Our associate has informed me she’s running late.” He grinned. “About twenty minutes or so.” You squirmed as his hand slipped beneath your hem. “I think we can fill our time accordingly.”

“L--Mr. Laufeyson,” You gasped. “Someone might see.”

“They’d have to be watching us very closely,” He leaned against you as his fingers crawled along the top of your thigh. “Now,” He shoved his hand between your legs roughly. “Let’s have some fun, darling.”

You parted your legs reluctantly and he tickled along your cunt. You grabbed the edge of the table and your eyes searched frantically. The other diners were occupied with their own meals, their own company. You felt as invisible as you had back at the office. He rubbed you slowly. He lifted his glass with his other hand as he continued.

“After our meeting, I think we’ll head back to the office and call a conference. We’ll need ideas for prospective podcasts,” He swirled his fingertips and you let out a long breath between your teeth. “Of course, if this all goes to plan.”

You whimpered as you felt yourself getting wet. His fingers glided easily along your folds as he spread your arousal. You planted your elbow on the table and held your chin as you bit your lip. Mortified, you tried to hide your face.

“Uh uh,” He grabbed your wrist and shoved it down as his fingers dipped inside you. “Look at me.”

You leaned back against the booth as you looked over at him. He smirked as he moved his fingers steadily in and out of you. He pressed his palm to your clit and the sensation made your legs shake again.

“Is this what you like? Sneaking around?” He taunted. “Is this what he does, hmm? Or maybe he bends you over his desk?”

“Mr. Lauf--” You swallowed down a moan and clapped your hand over your mouth.

“I can see it in your eyes. I can feel it,” He sped up and your thighs squeezed his hand. “Are you going to cum? Here in front of everyone? In the middle of this restaurant?”

Your eyes rounded and you grabbed his shoulder pleadingly. You couldn’t speak, afraid you would cry out instead.

“You like being a naughty little girl, don’t you?” He curled his fingers and you heard a subtle squelch as your walls twitched around him. 

You bared your teeth and latched onto his arm. You rocked your hips without thinking as you came. You let out a shuddery breath and he slid his fingers out of your cunt, sure to drag them along your folds. He untangled his arm from your grasp and you fell back against the seat and pushed down your skirt.

He raised his hand and ran his wet fingers over your lips. He pressed against your mouth until you opened it. He stared into your eyes as he made you suck your own cum off his knuckles. He withdrew them and used a napkin to wipe away your saliva.

“It is a pity, however, that this lunch should set you behind, darling,” He crossed his legs and drank from his water again. “You will have to stay late tonight… to catch up.”

“Yes, sir,” You ceded.

He smirked and looked around. A moment of silence before he perked up and stood. He buttoned his jacket so it hid his bulge and greeted the tall woman who approached you. He shook her hand with the same one he’d just had between your legs. You stood in kind. Your legs felt weak.

“Valerie,” He purred. “Thank you for fitting us in today.”

“Us?” She looked between you. “And sorry about the delay. Traffic was… traffic.”

“My intern,” He introduced you by name, “She’s shadowing me for the day. To get an idea of the business and all its little quirks.”

You shook her hand and you sat down as she did the same. The server was quick to appear and offer you menus. You eagerly took yours, hoping to hide behind it for the rest of the meal. Especially as that familiar and irresistible tingle nestled in your core.

[toku-explained]

The Wind Swordsman's Resolve

Trigger: New Generation Tiga. So this by all appearances is a new universe with familiar elements from Tiga (and some Dyna) reimagined in various ways. Carmeara escapes from being sealed in the depths of space, she is clearly designed after Camaerra. Manaka Kengo is tending to a plant he calls R'lyeh when Yuzare appears to him, and he sees a vision of a Giant of Darkness which attacks him before he wakes up. Yuzare again based on the Tiga character. His mother, Reina, will be showing President Shizuma ancient ruins...on Mars, where their city is a small colony. After the sudden appearance of Kaiju 6 years ago, Tatsumi Seiya announces the TPU has finished development of the Battleship Nursedessei and remote control fighter GUTS Falcon and formed the defense team GUTS Select. Kengo's efforts to have plants take root on Martian soil aren't going well, he hopes it'll be better near the ruins. He manages to head there behind his mother and President Shizuma's group, Reina found the ruins 20 years ago as part of the early development team, they've discovered the ruins form an inverted pyramid, and found a giant stone sword, which was tested and found to match composition of ruins Shizuma found on earth, an Ultra Ancient civilisation from 30 million years ago. The sword mysteriously glows, as does Kengo, right before, outside the dome, Golba appears. Golba is a fusion of Golza and Melba, the first 2 Tiga kaiju. As damage spreads a mysterious barrier protects Kengo from rubble. Golba breaks in, and is recognised as a fusion by Shizuma, who uses a GUTS Sparklence and Gomora Hyper Key to drive it off, however Carmeara is now in the dome, and has found Trigger. Kengo feels useless in the aftermath when Yuzare appears again to be cryptic, before Shizuma approaches him, asking about his goal. Kengo wants to be able to plant R'lyeh on Mars and make it bloom, spreading joy to everyone, the President, offering his a GUTS Sparklence, tells him to reach out for his dreams, remembering the example of Ultraman Tiga. As Golba resumes it's attack, Kengo takes the Sparklence and rushes into the ruins. The sword reacts to him again, opening a hole to the bottom the ruins where a stone giant is. Kengo is scared, as it appears to be the Giant of Darkness from his dreams, but calms down until Carmeara attacks, him inexplicably understanding her words. Carmeara is trying to destroy Trigger in revenge, but attacks Kengo too, Yuzare appears and defends him briefly. Kengo affirms his desire to protect, and light from Trigger's Colour Timer flows into his blank Hyper Key, forming the Trigger Multi Type Key. Seeing a vision of the ancient Trigger changing, hecuses the key in the Sparklence to merge with the statue as Ultraman Trigger, Shizuma cryptically noting Ultraman exists in this world too. Trigger battles Golba and Carmeara, and is on the ropes until he has a vision of Trigger using the sword, and calls Circle Arms to him, using the Zeperion key to bring Golba down, it then shields Carmeara from a Zeperion Beam. Shizuma asks Kengo to come to earth and joins GUTS Select. On earth in the Shizuma mansion, the president's daughter and a boy watch the news, the Girl excited to see Giants of Light do exist.

Galaxy Rescue Force: On their first day, Ribut and Sora introduce themselves to Gukura Shiisa, and thanks to notes Queen Izana gave Sora we learn there are few Gukura Shiisa left, as civilisations grow the nature they exist to protect falls away, this one was found by Izana and recruited to GRF. Ribut misunderstands how well Shiisa can understand him.

Saber: Desast struggles to heal, damaging his book further, unaware Ren has seen. Northern Base make plans, hoping to stop Storious by taking Viktor's book. Kento recalls that some of his visions of the end had the Swordsmen face Storious, they decide to cross reference landmarks from those visions with Sophia sensing another like herself to find him. Ren goes to Desast and challenges him. Rintaro finds Luna, while the Shindais meet Mei, thanking her for earlier, she tries to enlist Ryoga. Desast has Ren beat. Touma finds the secret entrance to Storious' base, the Shindais join him inside. Ren manages to get an edge by using Rintaro's technique, then loses, finds his will truly and after a long battle defeats Desast for good. In Storious' Base they find Storious' Sophia, Charybdis, and books containing human souls. Storious has Charybdis eat the souls and Sophia, Xross Saber, Durandal and Savela battle, eventually turning the tide. Storious attacks and then, to everyone's shock, has Charybdis eat him as well. Charybdis crumbles to reveal Storious, now holding a new book and purporting to know all. Luna senses, and Wonder Story adds a page showing, the end Storious intends to bring about.

Zenkaiger: Stacey sneakily uses Ijirude's computer, seeing images of figures who resemble Kaito's parents. Su-san is now bug catching like a boy in summer. This is naturally the work of Kabutomushi World, who soon has the Zenkaigers under his spell. Gege suggests the illusion can be used to control slaves when not working. Stacey says various things related to Kaito at the images, eventually giving up, however, they awaken afterwards. Secchan is suddenly hit by inspiration. The World Pirates make a plan to lure out Kabutomushi World. Zix uses Abaranger to use the Wing Pentact to draw a trap for Kabutomushi World, but Barashitara, who last met Zox during the raid on Tonitendo, joins the battle. In the illusion, Kaito remembers a time he caught bugs with his parents, this leads him to remember what's going on, but he can't wake the others, so goes to join the fight. Secchan and Flint arrive with their new creation, the Zenkaiju Gear, which Kaito uses to become the Dragon Caesar influenced Super Zenkaiser and defeat Kabutomushi World. Dai Kabutomushi World takes the stage as the others arrive as giants to form ZenkaiOh. Twokai-Oh Katana lends a hand. Afterwards, Secchan explains he suddenly found new data, and was able to have Flint create the Zenkaiju Gear, she took the chance to make another for Zox.

[george-mackay-macfine]

Jealous

Request

Synopsis: Y/N has to shoot a sex scene, George isn’t happy about it. 

Word count: 2, 349

Warnings: Pure bloody filth, Porn with a plot, anal-ish content. 

“Cut,” Jordan yelled from across the sound stage, Henry instantly moved off my body and stood up, an assistant promptly brought over a gown for both Henry and me to cover ourselves as Jordan and the producers reviewed the footage to see if they’d gotten everything they needed.

“How did that feel to you?” Henry asked as he sat across from me on the sturdy bed that’d been brought in for this particular purpose. I nodded my head, tying the gown securely around my waist. “I think it’s the best take we’ve gotten.”

“I agree, I think the way you changed your entrance worked in our favour,” I looked behind him to where Jordan and the producers were scrutinising what they watched. “But, I don’t think they’re happy with it.” Henry looked over his shoulder, he sighed and turned back to me.

“At least we’re comfortable now,” I snorted out a laugh nodding my head. “I meant it, should be much easier to go down on you now.” He winked.

“Hey now, none of that,” I rolled my eyes, “But you’re right, acting like I’m blowing you should be easier now,”

“You think they’re gonna make us go again?”

“Probably not today, A lot of the crew’s already running on empty, and overtime.”

“You’re right,” Henry let out a hiss of air. “If they’re not happy with what they got, they’ll probably change tomorrow’s schedule, or tack it onto the end of filming.”

“Unless we nailed it?”

“Unless we nailed it,” Henry confirmed. “Here comes Stacey.” Henry and I watched as Stacey, the first A.D nodded as Jordan spoke into her ear, before she walked towards us. Her hands fiddled as she stepped.

“Hey you two,” She smiled shyly as she approached. “How you feelin’, it all looked great.”

“Cut the crap Stacey, are we going again or not?” Stacey’s face dropped as Henry raised an eyebrow at her.

“You are, but not today… Jordan and the producers have some notes, but I’ll email them through tonight, we’re going to reschedule tomorrow’s shooting schedule so we can do this first thing.” Henry stood clapping his hands.

“So that’s us for the day?” She nodded.

“All done,” Henry turned to look at me, nodding over his shoulder.

“Ready to go?”

“Yeah,” Henry and I walked past Jordan and the producers waving goodbye and well wishes for the rest of the night, with the promises of nailing the scene tomorrow.

“See you tomorrow?” I asked Henry as my driver approached us, “We’ll do a better job, I’m sure of it.” I rubbed Henry’s arm in farewell before I got into the car. “See you in the A.M.” I waved out the window.

-_-_-_ -_-_-

I pushed open the door to my AIR BnB house I’d rented for the duration of the shoot, unlike most of the cast, I’d opted to rent a cottage house for the four months we were on set… there's only so long the charm of hotels can last before they wear off, and since I’d rented it, it meant that George dropping in at random wasn’t a problem. Except for tonight, tonight having George there was a problem. Ever since he saw the run sheet of today’s filming schedule he’d been in a bad mood, knowing today I’d be losing my sex scene virginity with none other than his idol Henry Cavill.

“I’m home,” I called out walking towards the living room where I heard the low hum of the TV. I stopped at the doorway, watching George sit with his hands in his lap, eyes focused on the TV, mind elsewhere. “Hey, you,”

“How was it?” He didn’t look away from the TV.

“Day went fine,”

“You know that’s not what I meant.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“How about the fucking truth, Y/N.” He boomed as he stood up, turning to glare at me. “How was it huh?” He hissed. “Fucking Henry Cavill?”

“You know that’s not how it goes George.”

“Do I?” He chuckled in disgust. “Because, the last time I check any woman who had a sex scene with Henry Cavill, has ended up fucking him.”

“You expect that from me?” He didn’t speak. “Fuck you George, you arrogant fucking prick.” I spat, turning on my heel storming to the kitchen.

“No, come on now Y/N… tell me how it was,” George followed me as I poured a glass of red wine. “Did you enjoy it?”

“What's not to enjoy.” I picked up my glass. “Having thirty men around me watching as I simulate sex.”

“So you’re telling me you didn’t get turned on?” George rolled his eyes. “You’re telling me you didn’t get wet? Your pussy didn’t drip.” I set my glass on the island.

“You want to hear that?”

“Yes,”

“Fine,” I walked around the island towards him. “Henry between my thighs made my pussy drip.” I breathed. “Made me so wet his head down there, kissing the inside of my thighs.” I stopped walking in front of him. “I’ll never forget the look of Henry fucking Cavill between —,” My words were lost against George’s lips, his hands pulling my hair, holding me in place as his mouth worked ministrations against mine. The pleasure I was feeling from George pulling my hair was something completely different to what I’d felt before.

“Tell me now,” He growled pulling away, his hand pulling the tiniest bit harder against my hair. “Tell me how fucking good it was to have him between your legs.”

“It was so fucking good.” I moaned, eyes closing as his lips slipped down from my lips to my jaw. “He would make me feel so fucking good.” My hands grabbed at his t-shirt, pulling the thin fabric into my clenched fists.

“You’re going to regret that, love.” His teeth nipped at my jaw.

“Doubt it.” I gasped as his hands left my hair and ripped my shirt open.

“Turn around.” He commanded, using my shoulders to spin me, hands splayed on the island bench. “Think you’re enjoying this too much.” He bit out as he unbuttoned my jeans, pulling them down my legs. “Enjoy teasing me, driving me insane all day.” He pulled at my hips, pushing the underwear off and leaving them to hang off my ankles. “Up on the counter.” He helped me climb up, pushing me into the position he wanted me. “Look like dessert.” I heard him mutter as his fingers touched me, they played with my slit, pushing inside me for a moment before he pulled away. “Don’t want to hear a whimper.” He hissed, hand coming down on my ass. “Don’t move.” I nodded my head, my mind hyper-alert as his fingers tickled the back of my thigh. I bit down on my lip as his tongue touched me, running from the back of my knee up to my thigh before slipping between my folds, licking over my clit.

“George.” A hand came down on my ass and the tongue left me.

“Speak again, and you’ll be getting spanked for punishment.” I nodded my head, wanting, needing him to put his mouth back on me. “Should keep you here all night, let you think about how much Henry can’t make you feel like this.” I dropped my head into my arms, unable to keep my head up. I felt his tongue back on me, his hands pulling my ass apart.

George was going at it, he’d never eaten me out like this beforehand here I was pussy dripping down my legs with his head buried in between.

Heaven.

“Want this,” A growl left his lips, and before I knew what was happening his finger was running around my hole. “Never been in here, have I love?” I shook my head, wanting nothing more than to feel him inside there, where no one else has been. “You want it to don’t you?” His finger dipped in. “Don’t try and deny it, I can see it dripping down your leg.” His finger stayed inside my asshole, pushing in and out gently. I felt his breath against my legs as his finger slips out. “Looks fucking delicious.” I thought he was talking about my pussy, and the drips that leaked down my legs, he wasn’t. His tongue moved in and out of my hole, his fingers playing with my pussy. I let out a low guttural moan "Don't move. You do what I tell you to," He pulled his lips off, hand landing harshly on my arse. “Do you understand?” Spank, I nodded, unable to comprehend anything but the feeling of his tongue, working me. “Get up.” George moved away, pulling me off the bench, pushing me down. “Suck.” He pushed his cock into my mouth, holding my head, using me as his own personal fuck toy. “Fucking beautiful mouth,” He held himself inside me, deep throating him, I gaged on his cock, only causing him to moan louder and push deeper. “Think Cavill can make you feel like this?”

“No sir,” I gasped as he pulled his cock out. “Only you, sir,” George smirked, his hand going down to my throat, his eyes locking on mine as his hand gently squeezed around my throat right as he thrust his cock inside again.

“What I thought,” He squeezed again. “Fucking love it don’t you.” I nodded, moaning around his cock.

I slipped my hand down between my legs, letting it linger on my clit for a second, unable to pass up the chance to give myself pleasure. I look up at George as I slide my finger down past my lips and into my pussy, moving it in and out to match George’s thrusts.

“You want it don’t you?”

“Please…please…please….oh, oh, please, please fuck me, please, please…oh, please, I need you to fuck me, I…ohhhh…” It’s shameless, the reaction he can draw from me. I need to be fucked, and I need him to fuck me. “Want it.” George pulls me up, sitting my ass on the edge of a seat, pulling me towards him.

“Say it.”

“Please fuck me.”

“Not that,” He smirked, cock tracing over my clit.

“Never Henry,” I pleaded. “He could never.” I nearly sobbed, needing him to fill me. George smirked, as he thrust his cock inside of me. The feeling of being filled so quickly and deeply made me gasp and groan, the pleasure he caused from a single thrust nearly drove me over the edge.

“What do you want?”

“Pound me,” George smirked, hands grabbing onto my shoulder, thrusting harder than before. His rhythm and pace quickened and my breathing was hard, as I tried to control myself.

George knew he was completely in control of everything, and he was taking advantage of it. When he thrusts slowed, they became harder, when he picked his pace up, they became softer. Never did he give me complete satisfaction. It was overwhelming, my body felt like it was going to fall apart at any moment. My back arched up, and my pussy began to tighten around him.

“I need to come,” I sobbed. “Please, let me come.”

“In a minute,” George grunted. “Almost there,”

“Please, please, please.” I chanted, finger attaching itself onto my clit. The tension in my body built to a crescendo as I begged to be fucked harder.

“Come for me,” As soon as he spoke I was coming, so hard, so violently, that I’m begging him to come inside me, fill me with his own. “Fuck, baby.” He grunted, I know he could feel me clenching around him, tightly, and tighter as I continued to come hard. His hands were gripping my waist, as his thrust continues. The orgasms came again in waves, starting inside of me at my G-spot and spasming into my clit.

“Need you to come for me,” I cried, unable to continue this for much longer, the pleasure becoming too much. “Fill me,” He thrust inside of me deeper and deeper. His cock throbbed as he shot cum against the walls of my pussy. I was so sensitive that I was able to feel each squirt, against my walls. George held onto me as he spasmed thrusting at random as his orgasm finished. “Fuck,” I moaned, “That was…” George pushed my hair from my eyes, trying to push it off my sweaty forehead.

“I’d like to see Cavill do that.” I laughed against his chest.

“Cavill, could never, fuck me like that,” I whispered pulling his neck down to kiss his lips. “Never in his wildest dreams.”

-_-_-_ -_-_-

“Let’s try this again,” Jordan clapped walking over to Henry and I. “Yesterday was good, but we want more… this is the climax, we need to believe it.” He looked between the two of us. “Whatever you need to do,” He looked between the two of us. “We’ll go in two... Places.”

Henry and I walked away from Jordan going to our places. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths, remembering last night with George. 

How he felt against me, how he ruined any other rmen for me, even ones like Henry Cavill

“Action,” My eyes snapped open, watching as Henry strode towards me.

“What are you doing here?” I called in my character’s voice to him.

“Well, we got along so well last night.” He pulled at my hips, pushing the underwear off and leaving them to hang off my ankles. “And we had so much fun.” His fingers touched me, they played with my slit, pushing inside me for a moment before he pulled away. “So I figured why don’t we keep the party going.” His hand coming down on my ass. “We’re becoming such good friends.” I bit down on my lip as his tongue touched me, running from the back of my knee up to my thigh before slipping between my folds, licking over my clit.

“Friends don’t fuck each other,” Henry stopped right in front of me, my pussy was dripping, and it was taking everything in me not to clench my legs shut.

“We can,” He growled before his lips attacked mine.

[365days365movies]

February 27, 2021: Love Actually (Part 2)

In case you hadn’t noticed by now...this movie is a lot.

I won’t dwell, and I’ll get back into All Around, but just trust me...this is a bit too much. All I know is that they packed way too much in this film, which is also somehow too long? It’s a lot, yeah? OK, first part of the Recap is right here, let’s get into the second half before I lose my nerve.

Recap (2/2)

So, good news is, Rodrigo and Sarah start dancing at the party, then start to hook up at her place! But the sad news (not bad, just sad) is that it’s interrupted by calls from her brother, Michael (Michael Fitzgerald), a very mentally ill man who lives in an asylum. Their love affair is cut short, and Sarah visits him the next day, where he lashes out at her and claims the nurses are trying to kill him, before being subdued. YIKES. Fuckin’s whiplash.

A little more sadness, as Karen’s convinced that Harry’s fallen out of love with her, having seen how he interacted with the attractive Mia at the party. That’s going to cause some friction, I’m sure. This is folllowed by Mia’s flirtations the following afternoon, which are once again accepted by Harry with no words to the contrary. He also calls her as he’s out, and he appears to be giving into the flirtation, rather than denying them. And as he’s meeting Karen for shopping! Dammit, Harry.

At the store, he buys a necklace for Mia from jewelry salesman Rufus (Rowan Atkinson!). Rufus asks is Harry wants the necklace gift-wrapped, and he agrees. And Rufus...Rufus is the best gift-wrapper of all time. Seriously, the man is a fucking ARTIST. His attention to detail is astonishing, and I love him. Harry doesn’t, as it’s taking way to long. YOU CANNOT RUSH PERFECTION, HARRY! But, yeah, it’s taking too long, and Karen shows up. Harry abandons the necklace, and poor devoted Rufus.

One week until Christmas, as holiday shenanigans take place with everybody! Jamie’s learning Portuguese for Aurélia. Colin (yeah, remember him?) is headed to America, while his roommate Tony is back to work at the film set, where Judy and Jack are being stand-ins for a myriad of sex positions, and Jack asks Judy on a date, which she accepts! A very cute couple, all things considered. They go out on a date on Christmas Eve, and the two kiss on the doorstep. They are legitimately adorable.

Colin arrives at a bar in the United States, and as soon as he orders a beer, his accent IMMEDIATELY draws the attention of Stacey, Jeannie, and Carol-Anne (Ivana Miličević, January Jones, and Elisha Cuthbert). And...IT FUCKING WORKED? These girls are all immediately into him, and invite him to stay with them at their place. However, they only have a small bed, and no couch. Not to mention the fourth girl, Harriet. But he bites the bullet, and accepts the invitation. And once he gets there, the sex proceeds in shadow. I cannot believe it worked, and it’s kind of hilarious.

Meanwhile, the jig is up for Harry. He did indeed get the necklace, and Karen finds it in his pocket before Christmas, assuming that it’s for her. However, when Christmas comes, Harry gives her a Joni Mitchell CD instead, and she realizes that the necklace was for Mia. Which is...shattering. Karen’s extremely hurt by this, fucking understandably.

Christmas Eve! Billy Mack’s song, despite the odds being completely against him, has reached the number one spot on the charts. He appears to be quite happy at a party celebrating him, although his manager appear slightly less so. Wonder why. Jamie, meanwhile, heads to the airport, quite on impulse. Wonder why.

Karl bids Sarah a good night and a Merry Christmas, and she cries when she realizes that their chance of getting together again is shot. Damn. She goes to visit her brother, and I gotta say - she’s a very loving sister. And then...well, it’s the scene. The most famous scene in the movie. You know the one.

And here’s the thing about this scene: is it superficially romantic? Yeah, sure, I guess. And it’s true that Mark doesn’t actually expect anything to come from this, but...this is still an AMAZINGLY shitty thing to do to someone in a committed relationship that involves your friend. Because it could potentially sabotage their relationship. I mean, maybe she’d be tempted to kiss you in a brief moment of infidelity that initially seems romantic, but is kinda fucked up when you really think about it.

Yeah, yeah, LITERALLY JUST LIKE THAT

OK, after that terrible idea, Bill shows up by surprise at his manager Joe’s place, and notes that he could be going to a big party at this point, but Christmas is a time to spend with his family and loved ones, and that the closest thing to that is, in fact, his manager, who is in fact the love of his life. Not sure if that’s necessarily romantic, but that is still sweet. Anyway, they get drunk and watch porn together. Yup.

David, meanwhile, gets a bevy of Christmas cards, one of which comes from Natalie. She apologizes for the kiss situation, and refers to herself as “Your Natalie”. Time to get in the fuckin’ car, David. He drives down to her neighborhood, and goes from door-to-door until he finds Natalie’s place. Her and her entire family are headed to a school concert, and David offers to give her and her little brother a lift there.

On the way there, the two begin to admit their feelings for one another, and Natlie notes that the President forced herself on her, but nothing else happened. While he’s reluctant about the whole affair, she brings him into the concert backstage. As he enters, he runs into his sister Katie, who’s glad to see him, and is clearly holding back tears because of the Harry situation. Judy and Jack are also there, as well as Daniel and Sam (who’s in the concert).

The kids’ concert takes place, and its headed by a solo from Sam’s crush, Joanna (Olivia Olson), who...WAIT, OLIVIA OLSON? As in...

...Huh. Of all the members of this ensemble cast, she’s the one I least expected! But OK! As expected, she’s an excellent singer, and headlines a rendition of Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas”. Which seems mildly inappropriate for a kid’s concert, but whatever, sure. She points at various people when saying “is you” in the song, but never at Sam, who’s on the drums. Oof. Sorry, buddy.

The song ends, and the curtain drops, and...

Well, uh...shit. I ean, I’m happy for them both, but David’s officially FUCKED at this point. However, the crowd seems to receive it very well, and that’s lucky. The night ends, and everyone disbands for the night. Harry and Karen are amongst them, and Karen confronts him. She asks what would he do if he were in her position, revealing her knowledge about the necklace. And it’s...affecting, goddamn. He’s made a fool of himself and of her, and she’s struggling.

Daniel congratulates Sam about his performance, but notes that it didn’t work Still, Daniel encourages him to tell Joanna his feelings for her, and he goes to get his things first. Daniel bumps into Carol (Claudia Schiffer), and there’s a connection. Daniel and Sam go to speak with Joanna, but they’re on their way to the airport. They run to meet her there, like in a terrible romance movie. Wait - 

At the airport, Daniel and Sam are too late, but decide to make a run for it while Rufus (KING OF GIFT WRAPPERS) is holding up the attendant while looking for his boarding pass. Sam bolts, unnoticed, and Rufus walks away, giving Daniel a knowing look as he passes by, LIKE A KING. Sam bolts through the metal detectors, as the post-9/11 airport attendants RIGHTFULLY FREAK OUT ABOUT THIS WHOLE SITUATION. However, they’re once again distracted by Billy Mack on TV and he catches up to Joanna before being taken away by the fuzz. However, she gives him a kiss on the cheek, and Sam and Daniel hug. Supportive father-son relationship is sweet. 

Jamie goes to find Aurélia in Portugal, and the entire village ends up following him until getting to the restaurant were he works, and proposes to her in INSANELY broken Portuguese, which is hilarious. And she accepts...IN ENGLISH! Which is saccharine as fuck...but also sweet.

We cut to a month later, and everybody’s at the airport for the Epilogue. And we’re gonna do this...well, bit by bit.

Billy Mack and Joe: Career’s going well, and a comeback is imminent. Not in a romantic relationship, but still extremely close friends...I think.

Juliet, Peter, and Mark: Juliet and Peter are still together; Mark is still single, seemingly. They meet up with...

Jamie and Aurélia: Coming to England for the first time together, and still in love.

Daniel and Sam: Went to see Joanna at the airport, and Daniel is now dating Carol, which is nice!

Harry and Karen: Oof, icy. They definitely don’t appear to be on good terms, and we never learn why Harry’s been away, but yeah. Not looking good for their relationship, understandably.

Jack and Judy: Married! FUCK YEAH! Adorable. They run into...

Colin and Tony: Colin’s back, and he’s brought back Harriet (Shannon Elizabeth) and her sister Carla (Denise Richards), who IMMEDIATELY takes a liking to Tony and they make out at the gate. Can’t believe that Colin was right, goddamn.

David and Natalie: David’s back from a visit somewhere overseas, and he and Natalie happily reunite right in front of the press, and it’s sweet.

And we’re full-circle, as countless people at the airport reunite in loving embraces. And, I gotta say...it is sweet, but you ever been to a crowded airport around Christmastime? Dude, I’ve been to JFK around that time period, and lemme tell you, it’s less happy reunions, and more pissed-off TSA, lost luggage, stressed out EVERYBODY, and Cinnabon. That last one’s not a complaint...I just really want Cinnabon.

Mmmmmmmm...OH RIGHT, THAT’S All Around (AKA Love Actually). This has been...a lot. BUT, I’ll get into the whole thing in the Review! See you there!