#ROOM was 'if i cannot literally buy myself a room of my own right now i will purchase this book about it'

[bigcats-birds-and-books]

Replenishing the Nonfiction Stack; or, We're Calling the Book Buying Ban a Wash, Officially.

I am not, apparently, immune to coupons for niche nonfiction that's directly up my alley (octopus minds and RUSSIAN OWLS, hello??? Thanks, bookshop!).

I thought perhaps the BURGLAR'S GUIDE would also be covered under said coupon, since it was publisher-specific (alas: it was Not, but we might as well bundle for shipping purposes). And then while I was shopping IRL for gifties I found a copy of ROOM, which has been on my list for...ever? So! Hopefully these will hold me over on the nonfiction front for a minute!

[bbrissonn]

𝐛𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐚 𝐡𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐬𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐥𝐞𝐝 𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥 - 𝐣𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐡𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐞𝐬

in which you lay alone in your bed at night wondering where your relationship with the young star went wrong

disclaimer: english is not my first language and this is not proofread so please excuse any errors and if any words are missing add them in your head :) also this is a work of fiction, this doesn’t reflect how these boys act in real life, and it isn’t how i imagine them acting 

HUGH DISCLAIMER: this fic doesnt have a clear ending. i literally have no motivation to continue this, but i cannot find it in myself to start my next work for this album until this one is out. so yeah, sorry about that :)

warnings: angst, swearing , not proofread  

pairing: jack hughes x reader

wc: 2.6k (including lyrics)

guts masterlist

Cat got my tongue

And I don’t think I get along with anyone

Blood runnin’ cold

I’m on the outside of the greatest inside joke

And I hate all my clothes

Feels like my skin doesn’t fit right over my bones

So I guess I should go

The party’s done, and I’m no fun, I know, I know

I know, I know

Ever since you had moved to New York in early 2022, it felt like it had been living a lie. Like this life you were living wasn’t yours, like you had just stolen it from someone. Growing up, you had always been homeschooled, meaning your social life was slime to none. So, it was safe to say that when you chose to move to New York for a job your mom’s friend had offered you, you were scared. 

You only had two real friends, who you barely ever saw because of their busy scheduled with school before, and even more now since you three were all over the country doing your own things. Luckily for you, there was a girl only 2-3 years older than you at your job, meaning you had someone to talk to if you felt the need. After a month of two, the two of you became friends, growing ever closer when you realized you lived in apartment blocks next to each other. 

Which is how you found yourself at a bar on a saturday night in October of that year. Mailey had convinced you to come with her, claiming the two of you needed to decompress from your busy week at work. You rolled your eyes at first, but agreed none the less. Ever since this summer, you found yourself starting to go out more, joining Mailey and her friends every once in a while. Only this time was so much different than the others. 

There was a big group of maybe 20ish guys, age ranging from young adults to full grown men, taking up most of the place. The two of you were confused, seeing as this bar barely ever had people coming in, and it was mainly the same people coming here every week. So, a group of random guys neither of them had seen around before certainly peeked your interest. 

“What do you think they’re doing here?” You asked as the two of you sat down at your usual spot. The group occupying the opposite side of the room. 

“Don’t know. But they’re not buying that cheap booze.” Mailey mumbled, her eyes focused on the insane amount of liquor at the couple of tables they were occupying. The two of you eventually started forgetting about them, talking about random things that happened throughout the week. 

“Not to freak you out, but there’s a guy that keeps looking at you. A cute guy.” The girl across from you said after about an hour of the two of you being there. You furred your brows slightly at her words, before turning your head in their direction. That’s when you met his eyes for the first time. He had a slight grin on his face as he stared into your eyes, nodding along to whatever the guy next to him was saying. You sent him a small smile, waving slightly, which he answered with a nod. 

“More like hot guy.” You mumbled, looking back over at your best friend. You had had a couple of flings here and there, but nothing ever serious, and you were never used to getting boys’ attention on a night out. 

“He’s going to the bar. Go talk to him.” Mailey announced, making you turn your head to look at him. At the same time, he looked over at your table, sending you a small wink when your eyes met. 

“Rich coming from someone who always says girls don’t chase, they attract.” You teased, making her roll her eyes. You eventually decided to go up to him later that night, talking for a bit before exchanging numbers. Jack, you learned his name was, didn’t seem to want to get into talking about his group of friend too much, so you kept all your questions to yourself. 

Over the next couple of weeks, the two of you got to know each other. Your friendship slowly formed and the two of you grew closer each other. But, clearly Jack was still holding back on some stuff. He still refused to open up about his friends and what he does as a living exactly. You told yourself that he’d tell you when he was ready, but you were getting a little impatient, which is why you pretty much forced the answer out of him when you went over to his apartment one day. 

“When are you gonna tell me?” You asked, pausing the show the two of you were watching. Your words made him look over at you, a confused expression on his face as his eyes met yours. 

“What do you mean?” 

“When are you gonna tell me truth, Jack. If that’s even your name.” You sassed, making the boy next to you let out a deep sigh as he threw his head back. 

“D’you wanna see my birth certificate?” He answered coldly, making you scoff. “What I do doesn’t matter, Y/N, so just drop it.” 

“If it doesn’t matter than why won’t you tell me, Jack? You know pretty much everything about me and my life, and barely know anything from yours. God, you won’t even tell me the names of your brothers!” 

“Why do you care so much?” 

“Because I like you, Jack! And… and I though you liked me back, but clearly I was wrong.” You admitted, standing up from your spot on the couch as you started packing up your things. “Just forget it.” You mumbled as you started making your way to the door. You were stopped right as you were about to grab onto the doornob. 

“Y/N, wait!” He said, grabbing your wrist and turning you around before you could leave. “I like you too, Y/N, and I’m sorry I haven’t been honest with you, but I didn’t want what I do in life to influence how you see me. I’ve had way too many people use me and I didn’t want that to happen again because I really like you.” 

“Jack, I made it clear hundreds of that time that I what you do in life wouldn’t change the way I see you, but you kept hiding from me. It makes me feel like you don’t trust me.” You explained with a scoff. The boy in front of you sighed before cupping your face in his head, his forehead leaning against yours. 

“I know, I know, I should’ve told you a long time ago. But what we have, it’s really special to me, and it’s so good. I didn’t want to ruin it.” 

“You’d have to be a serial killer for me to change my mind about how I feel, Jack.” 

“Stay. Please. I’ll tell you everything, I promise, just don’t leave me, please.” He begged, his thumbs rubbing small circles under your eyes. You swallowed harshly before slightly nodding your head yes. Jack then brough the two of you back to his couch, and he stuck to his promise. He started going on and on about his life, starting with the fact that he played hockey for the Devils. Then he moved on to telling you pretty much every single memory he had about the sport, a wide grin plastered on his face. 

In exchange, you opened up to him about some of the insecurities you had because you were homeschooled, including having to attened big parties and being surrounded by large crowds. Jack had promised that was something he would never put your through, but you quickly learned that his promise meant nothing to him. 

I broke a glass, I tripped and fell

I told secrets I shouldn’t tell

I stumbled over all my words

I made it weird, I made it worse

Each time I step outside, it’s social suicide

It’s social suicide, wanna curl up and die

It’s social suicide

It had now been three months since Jack asked you out. You had met his brother Luke when the boy came to visit, talked to his parents through face time a while ago, but you had yet to met his friends. You tried hard not to let it bother you, but it did. He didn’t want you attending his games either, claiming he didn’t want people to hate on you because you were his girlfriend. You couldn’t help but overthink the fact that maybe it was just because you were his girlfriend.

You had seen pictures of the other players wives and girlfriends, and you looked nothing like them. They all seemed so outgoing and the life of the party. Not to mention all of the models Jack followed, all of them being the exact opposite of you. You had questioned him about it one night, he just scoffed and said you were being petty and pathetic asking him a question like that. 

“J?” You called out. His arms were wrapped around your waist, your back pressed against his chest. 

“Mm?”

“When am I gonna meet your friends?” You asked quietly, making the boy sigh harshly against the back of your neck. 

“Got to sleep, Y/N.” He mumbled. 

“Could you at least answer me?” 

“I don’t know, okay? Your weird fear of crowds or whatever makes it impossible for you to meet them all at the same time, and I’m not gonna go through the burden of setting up little dates with my teammates just so you can meet them. Can I sleep now, mother?” He answered harshly as his arms left your frame and he turned around, his back to yours. You felt tears prikle in your eyes at his words. 

“I can handle it.” Your voice was low, not trusting your voice not to crack if you talked any louder. Jack let yet another sigh at your words. 

“We’re getting together after the game tomorrow, come if you want.” 

“To your game?” You asked hopeful. You were growing tired of just watching him play through your TV screen, when he was close to your home. 

“No. After.” And just like that, all your hope was crushed. 

“What should I wear?” 

“I don’t know, and I don’t care.” He grumbled, getting out of bed making your head snap towards him as he approached the door. 

“Where are you going?” 

“Guest room. I need peace and you keep talking.” Was the last thing he said before leaving the room. When you woke up the next morning, he was gone, no text no notes, nothing. He didn’t come back for his pregame nap either, which scared you a little. But all your nerves went away when his face appeared on your Instagram feed, a bright smile on his face as the picture the Devils posted illuminated your screen. 

All of your texts to Jack had gone unanswered, as well as your calls. Thankfully, you knew where the team would be heading after the game, it was a local bar near the rink they went to almost every time after a game. You had gotten there a lot later than everyone, spending thirty minutes in your car deciding whether or not Jack would still want you there. You figured there was only one way to find out so in you went. 

The place was crowded, the music loud as the bartenders prepared multiple drinks. Realistically, there wasn’t that many people here, just the team and a couple other regulars, it was just a really small room. It took you a couple of minutes to spot Jack, who was sitting at a table with a couple of his friends and lots of girls. You tried to look as confident as possible as you made your way over to him. Some of his friends and their partners started at you, wondering what someone like you was doing here. 

“Jack?” You called out as you stood behind him. His arm was resting on the chair of a pretty blond girl next to him. You couldn’t quite describe the look in his eyes when his head turned to face you, but the words he was about to say completely crushed you. 

“Do I know you?” He questioned, and you could feel your heart shatter inside of you. You tried your best to keep a brave face on, but you were dying on the inside. 

“J, come one, this isn’t funny. I’ve been texting and calling all day, you were gone when I woke up this morning.” You mumbled, taking a step closer to him. The girl on his right could read you perfectly, and she realized that you two were a couple. When it clicked in her mind, she sent the boy a judging look before standing from her seat and walking back to her friends. 

Jack got up right after her, gripping your wrist and dragging you outside the bar. “What’re you doing here?” He asked harshly once the two of you stood outside alone. 

“No! What are you doing, Jack?”

“I’m enjoying a night with my buddys!” 

“Yeah, the friends you said I could meet. Tonight!”

“When did I say that?” His words were harsh and rude, making your heart shatter even more. You truly did not understand why he always acted this way towards you lately, but you were growing tired of it. 

“Last night! You said I could come if I wanted to, and I want to be here, so here I am. And here you are, with your arm around another girl!” You said, your tone matching his. You were tired of letting him walk over you all the time. 

“I said that so you would shut up and leave me alone. God, you’re always just complaining about everything and anything. It’s like nothing’s ever enough for you, you always need more–” 

“Oh, nothing’s enough for me? What about you, huh? Am I not enough for you?” 

“There you go, making it about you like always.” 

“Because this is about me, Jack! I am your girlfriend of three months, and I don’t know any of your friends! It’s like you’re ashamed to be with me. Do your friends even know about me?” You asked. There were tears in the back of your eyes threatening to spill, but you blinked them away. You had cried enough over him for the last couple of weeks. The boy in front of you stayed silent at your question, making you scoff. 

“Of course they don’t know, just like your brother’s weren’t suppose to know, or your parents. You don’t want anyone to know that your girlfriend is me.” You spoke with your voice low. This exact though had been in the back of your mind for a long time, but saying it out loud made it feel so much more real. 

“Things were better before you knew–” 

“They were better for you! You lied to me for weeks, and you’re still lying. All you do is lie, Jack. I can’t believe I waisted so much time and energy on you. You never wanted this relationship, did you? You just wanted someone to fuck whenever you needed, someone to be there for you. You didn’t care who it was, you neved cared about me. You’re pathetic, seriously.” You mumbled before pushing past the hockey player and walking to your car. 

You were done with Jack Hughes.

[good7luck]

personal, real life

negative, depressing (giving me a headache, at least)

mention of illness, hospital, passing away, etc

asking for your opinion(s)

(more under the cut)

.

This is very personal all of a sudden,

but I'd really appreciate your thoughts on this OTL

I know I cannot provide every single info and the full context, but I did my available best for now.

Summary exists at the end!

.

My mother (full housewife) has been ill and currently hospitalized since a while ago (as a part of her medical treatment, not some unexpected emergency), which would last for a month or so.

My father (full worker) has been pretty kind to her overall and helped her with everything needed.

But...he has had a problem with her housework ways, mainly with piles of stuff (which is sure a lot tbh). Recently, he has tried to randomly "organize" things (unbox, see, re/move etc) at home multiple times, which annoyed and stressed her very much everytime.

Now that she's in the hospital and not coming back anytime soon, it seems he decided to take it as a "chance" to re-organize all the stuff piled he didn't like in the house. Even if he's obviously not young in 40s or such, not so healthy, and still needs to go to work almost everyday.

The thing is...he's even going to dispose of her old religion-related books (Buddhism), including mostly given as presents when she was doing some volunteer works at some religious place(s) years ago (maybe some were purchased, idk). It's not that she read them often, but she has saved them there for years for a reason. And yet, today he already took many of them out of the shelf and put them in boxes to remove later (maybe in 2 days). Of course, he did NOT get any permission from her and did NOT tell her any of this at all.

In fact, I, too, have had a problem with a lot of the boxes and things she has purchased but often abandoned for years, even if I understand it's cheaper to buy things a lot on sale at once. I do feel very irritated when I newly find a bunch of food which expired 2021 or such.

Still...I wouldn't carelessly touch her religion-related books or such?? Especially when she's suffering from the illness right now, and the religion has been one of her rare comforts (even long, long before the illness), and the books are basically her private, not his?? I'm not even so religious myself, but this looks quite rude and abusive??

Unfortunately, he sincerely thinks he's ~finally~ doing the "right" job that should've been done long ago, and realistically it's plain impossible to persuade him. He would never listen, much less change his mind because of me (or even her, perhaps).

All I can possibly do is probably to hide her books. But it's quite a lot for my room; he's checking almost all the spots in the house, and no guarantee he wouldn't enter my room. I'm not sure if it would even work tbh, as he seems sooo determined about throwing away "unnecessary" things, and he might notice some are missing idk.

Honestly, I'd like to let her know about what's going on to her books, so that she's at least aware and can make her own choice. But...she's literally sick and very weakened, she had better not get stressed. She's going to take some serious treatment soon, which might or might not succeed. Strictly speaking...the possibility of her passing away in the hospital is not zero. It's surely not a good idea to add more problems there.

Before she got hospitalized, I did tell her that he might dig up the whole house, and she said he wouldn't cuz he should be too busy with his work (especially when she cannot do the housework for him). I was more joking, and she sure didn't take it seriously, but now my concern came true, much worse than I ever imagined.

I'm pretty sure she'd get super angry, no matter WHEN she gets to learn about this. Or, would she actually be able to take it better if she hears about this after coming back home? Cuz it's all "ended" then, after all?

I just...don't understand why he had to make things (even more) complicated and worse. Seriously, it's even not like she's very likely to pass away soon. He didn't mean this for sure, but more than often he doesn't realize how insensitive and impolite his action can be. Her religion books were not so many and so not a real problem, in the first place...

Summary:

My mother (housewife) is currently hospitalized due to her serious illness. My father (worker) is going to dump many of her old religion books (Buddhism) in 2 days, which were already half-boxed today. I could try hiding them in my room at best, which might not succeed. And/or I could contact her and inform her of what happened, which would give her a chance but definitely stress her a lot.

...I feel I'm probably being ridiculous and immature here, but I'm genuinely so stressed about this now, especially when I have my own real life problems to take care of as well OTL Maybe I just wanted to vent idk ^^;; I cannot guarantee I'd strictly follow the poll result or comments, but I'd like to know what other people would do. I appreciate your attentions!

.

(sorry this post cannot be reblogged and can be deleted in the future. this post is also not meant for screenshot or such spreading for obvious reasons. thanks for understanding...!)

[feiandart]

Posting 'em here again just to boost a bit my motivation today. I made 'em back in december, one of the first drawing I have ever made for myself only.

Will talk 'bout myself and my past from here, can skip it if you don't want my oversharing shit.

So. I used to work as a commission artist for years (5-6 if I'm not wrong), drew bit of anything you could think of and mainly sticked to NSFW art for most of my, uh, let me call that "carreer" even if it's probably the wrong term to use for it. Well, it paid my bills and rent for years, so we may stick to it anyway.

Thing is, I stopped drawing when I was eighteen. People, family first, always told me talent in art was all, practice would never have made it better and I should have kept it as a hobby rather than something to do as a job. Apart from my closest friends, no one encouraged me to practice and study and put real effort on it. I went to an art-based highschool (only because I couldn't focus on studying any subject, and art school is considered one in which you don't actually study at all here, so my parents thought it better to put me there as I wanted "so you can still graduate"), but I couldn't go ahead with art studies in professional comic schools, academies or any artistic department in university. No support on that front. Something like "be Caravaggio or be nobody" mindset was stuck into my head and I started actually believing that it was true. And since I was, and am not, Caravaggio, then what was the point? So I dropped the pencil and just forgot how to draw a fuckin' line for literal years.

Then I turned 22. I moved to another city for my studies. After completing 'em, my parents said me to come back home and I said no. They stopped paying anything for me since that moment, so I had to make things works on my own. Hopefully my rent was really low, so I could afford it with minimum effort, but had to buy groceries with coupons (not a common thing in Italy) and eat a lot less to make 'em last as much as possible. I found a job in a call-center, I cleaned houses and handed flyiers to people. And that's when I found out I cannot really be in social context for too long.

In the end I burned out, left all jobs and was stuck in bed for a month. I was barely 24, without a job, holding tight the little bit of freedom I ever got. I felt helpless and hopeless. I don't remember if my bestfriend or my housemate, but one of 'em said me to come back at drawing and givin' it a shot. What harm could that do afterall, could have been pocket money for a bit if it couldn't stick to something better.

I started from pencil. Then went to digital in a couple months. I practiced, started quite immediately taking commissions and honest to God I don't have the slightest clue of how someone whould spend money on some shit I drew without basic anathomy knowledge and after that much time without drawing. Still have no idea. So I drew. I made some quick animations, never did much there thought. Grew a little fanbase, went on with it for years. I even moved with my bestfriend, living with her alone for two years, got a cat I love that it's my actually support companion right now.

I felt happy for a bit, I believe. Imposter syndrome is always watching me afterall, that never stopped. It's just like there's another person in the room with me all day, whispering me I should do more 'cause I don't deserve any attention. Ugh.

However. I went on with that until 2023. I had to come back to my parent's house in 2022 and got stuck in here since then. Nightmare years. Still a nightmare period, but I'm managing. Thing is, past year I burned out so much I completed all my left commissions in a rush and actually dropped my tablet for months. I used it as a third screen, took away the pen and the glove and swore I would never ever be back at drawing again. Will not go into details of what triggered that burnout, but you got the point, I didn't want to draw again in my life at that time.

This is pretty much when Good Omens entered the room. It was late September, I saw a lot of videos on tiktok and since I watched S1 years ago, I decided to give it a shot to S2 too. It was an istant hyperfocus. Watched all over for weeks, both in italian, in english, in english with italian subs and english with english subs. Never done anything like that in my life before. By the end of October I came back at writing. So I started to arrange things for Up&Down, my first fic after uhm, like 15 years or so. And it felt so good! I went through 42 days of deep writing, posting a chapter a day just for myself. 'cause I wanted to write something I liked for the sole purpose of liking it. And it felt so liberating!

Then I thought: will this apply to drawing too, maybe?

Answer is YES. It did. I was inspired from the fandom, from MrGhostRat's art and Gleafer's, and started drawing again. I dug into english fanfictions, fandom artists I love, and the list just gets longer day by day. I started writing Sugar, and with it I started drawing illustrations for it.

I went from the image to the left to the one to the right in two months. Guys, I'll repeat it: TWO MONTHS. I never had such a quick improvement in years, practicing every fuckin' day, drawing my hands out of my bloody body. I drew for 5-6 years and never got to improve this much. I did now. And you know why?

'cause I started drawing for myself. I'm doing something I love. And I'm getting better at it.

And you know what? I'm quite angry now. 'cause if I didn't stop years ago, who knows where I could have been now. If I didn't listen to people saying me "be Caravaggio or be nobody", I could have done so much more by now. Maybe I could have been able to draw fuckin' furnitures by now. Maybe I would have started being able to draw the same face two times in a row years ago insted of now.

Maybe I could have been the comic artist I wanted to be. Maybe not the best in the world, but I don't fuckin' care of being the best one, I want to be one I'm proud of. I didn't get the chance 'cause out there is full of people without a dream who's only purpose in life is destroying other people hopes.

And you know what? I'm done with that. I'm done with people saying me I'm not a gifted child. I'm done with people coming at me saying I cannot do shit I love 'cause they have reason to make me do something different. People thinks to know what's good for me but I'm fuckin' 30 and I think I know it pretty well already, thank you very much.

I'm managing how to get hold of my choices and things I love now that I'm an adult, but dear Lord I keep on thinking of my young self and I want to hug that poor thing so much I can't explain. I'd love to say her everything's going to be hard, but good in some way. That things are difficult, but they will change. That people are shit, but she should be strong and fight back. 'cause I did it too late and I regret now, but she deserved better.

You deserves better. And I'm talking to anyone who's reading this. I don't know if you went all the way 'til here, but if you did: don't make my same mistakes. You know better than me. Don't let people spoil the things you love, don't give 'em power to destroy your will and put you in a closet for the time being. You don't deserve that.

Don't miss your chance 'cause people doesn't want to see you happy to be yourself. Don't do that. They don't deserve that power over you.

Love yourself more than I loved myself. I'm starting just now and it's hell. You can do better, I promise.

[asterchats]

(this is a word dump about being neurodiverse and disabled but also traumatised enough to be able to mask sometimes, and medical people's reactions to it, you're good to skip this if you wanna, i'm fine just complaining, love u)

also the fact that my adhd is so unconventional for what it is. i did really, like, REALLY, well in school. i can usually rely on adrenaline (anxiety) and hyperindependence through trauma to help push me through 3/7 days a week, which isn't bad, and the after-effects only come in from exhaustion of masking all day (although bump it up to four and i do get. suicidal kdslfjlksj). i can keep clean spaces if anyone else might possibly ever see them but cannot keep clean spaces that are private/my own. and also i forget everything i try to do for myself, never buy what i went to the store for in the first place, constantly forget that friends exist, hyperfocus accidentally, i am able to do things ONLY because of deadlines

all of the hallmarks of "your disorder is ONLY a disorder if it's stopping you from achieving things in your day to day life" are things that i don't meet because i have about 20929348 systems in place which I've developed over the years to force myself to meet deadlines and not forget things Including a great deal of childhood "you're not good enough/independent enough" trauma resulting in hyperindependence. and then unmasking at home is Exhausting and i haven't eaten or peed all day or had anything to drink and I haven't spoken to any friends and have no energy to speak to any friends and i have to go lie in a dark room for two hours and i have chronic pain i haven't noticed all day and i'm too exhausted to even cook and i semi-regularly end up not eating at all on the days i work and my friend tells me something and I !!!!!!!! have no idea what they said two seconds afterwards!!!!!! sometimes i literally forget what i am saying right in the middle of saying it like 3 words into a 10 word sentence!!!!!!!!

something something pathologising neurospice and prioritising predominantly medical views of it (i.e. rejecting self-diagnosis - although I do have a diagnosis from a nd-specialising psych) completely ignores that neurodivergence! should not be! diagnosed! by its deficits!!!!!!!!! you can't just LOOK at someone and say "hey you're, like, surviving in this society so we're not going to Label You As X" like being offered access to 'x' is a Fate Worse Than Death. like anyone who is neurodiverse is not allowed to have figured out a way to survive when in fact figuring out a way to survive is something we've been doing our entire lives.

also!!!!! my systems i've put in place are literally the systems explicitly taught to people who have adhd to make their lives easier!!!!!! i just didn't have a diagnosis before i started figuring out how to make my life easier for myself. so like what? i don't count now because i didn't pay someone with a medical degree to "coach" me?

and as much as this is a critique of the medical model of disability it's also a critique of the way the disability community goes "well EVERYONE..." like it is everyone. it is not. hate being alienated from people who Get It because they get it but they don't get the way it applies to me. i am privileged to be able to work 3 days a week consistently for 3+ years at this point, i also sometimes starve idk. idk idk. i have an entire internal phenomenological experience to write about but i am not sure i have anything interesting to say in the disability context that hasn't already been said.

part of being neuro-affirming is knowing that everybody is different. and not everybody can be looked at from the outside through a Deficit Model because they're very good at hiding it. and in fact affirmation starts with knowing those strengths are there and have been there all along

[suppuration]

experiencing that "adhd urge to tackle cleaning my bedroom in one whirlwind effort" phenomenon this week

a majority of that effort has been the result of an epiphany that i was getting in "clothing hoarder" territory, with how much i own vs how much i wear. my partner and i split the bedroom 50/50 and i do not exaggerate that a third of my side was packed solid with clothes

it was bad enough that while going through stuff, a solid fourth of it was stuff i had completely forgotten i have, and another fourth of it was stuff i liked enough to buy multiples of so i had a backup when the first one got too worn out (some things, the item was either so cheap and/or i was so in love with them that i had as many as six extra)

i was tired of never having space to even use my side of the room to do more than sleep and use my laptop. of owning a ton of clothes i didn't even necessarily like enough to wear, and a ton more clothes that don't even fit. of owning more crap than i can handle owning

so i formed a rudimentary plan and ran headlong into it. it's been messy, but it's made it lower stress to not have too much structure to my approach beyond a simple "finish one step to completion before moving onto the next." (i would put "simple" in air quotes, but punctuating that would've been awkward. anybody with executive dysfunction can relate to the difficulty of forming and adhering to a granular itinerary)

most of this is rambling, but it might be helpful idk. so far it's looked something like this:

pulling everything out and sorting by like items. putting all duplicates in one bin, and making decisive cuts on which extras i actually need to keep. taking a cursory walk through my definite "yes" pile to see what coords i can make with them

it's made it much gentler for me to have a "yes" bin, a "no definitely not" bin, and a bin for "still thinking about it." (and a fourth bin, but that's the trash can, LOL.) not having to think about it in a black and white "decision now" mentality lets me focus on being brutally honest about whether i love each thing, and whether it's past its prime. yeah i have the skills and tools to repair many types of garment damage, but do i love the item enough to spend the time and effort?

i think the hardest thing has been trying every single thing on to make sure it still fits, and fits in a way i like. it's cruelly hot here. there are some winter things i can barely stand to touch right now, let alone put on my body. i have promised myself that i will revisit the off-season bin when it's on-season... but i did suffer through the fall clothes since that's a majority of my clothing, and it's my favs

having that "maybe" bin has also given me the ability to distance myself from the items and marinate. i looked through my maybes one day later, and found making a concrete yes/no was much easier. like the off-season bin, i have promised myself that i will revisit the "maybes" in six months to see if my feelings on them have changed

which, i cannot emphasize enough. clearly label every bin and bag while you're pruning--and date it!!! that way you'll know the last time you went through that particular bin. i didn't have any lingering receipts or anything to go by, but i know that some of these stored clothes have gone untouched for literally a decade. be kind to yourself and never let yourself say "etc, stuff, or misc" either. if you do that, you will have to open it to know what's in it, every single time. if it's a mixture of things--like scarves, belts, ties--write each thing on it. i also don't recommend a blanket "accessories" label on any "yes" bins for the same reason

it's taken me three days to get this far, and i'm just past halfway going through things i think, but i think i've gotten my clothing possessions down by 30-50% with my first pass over everything

once i have all my definite "no"s culled, i am going to make a second pass over everything in my "yes"es to see if they're all still definitely "yes"es. same with the "maybes." i know i can shrink it all down further, but i need to trim the fat before i can work with the meat, to sound like a butcher for a minute

it's been exhausting and very time consuming, but it's also long overdue and i have multiple spoon-adjacent energy restrictions working against me. sometimes the best self-care you can give yourself is getting rid of what you don't need anymore, so you can appreciate and focus on what you do need and love

(yeah, part of it is me looking for stuff that's in good enough condition to see if i can get a resale shop to take it, money is getting that tight... but god i am drowning in belongings and i cannot stand it anymore nefeysfnstksfnstksfnstksfnstnm)

[just-rogi]

I just had a follow up with my dr after my blood work came back and she told me I need to get down to 135-140 lbs. 130 ideally. My BP is phenomenal my lipids and cholesterol too but I should cut out everything that isn’t water, and eat smaller portions and run more- god I get a drinkie once in a while as a treat but now I’m losing that too. Man I want to scream… its literally not fair bc everyone else can eat whatever they fucking want and be skinny, I’m literally 100% vegan eating exclusively rice lentils beans and LOTS of green vegetables. Like that’s fuckjng it Im not a French fry and Oreo vegan (tho that’s fine too it’s just not my regular diet). I eat intuitively and that means I usually never finish my meal or clean my plate so I don’t over eat. My ‘special girl treat’ is fucking fresh fruit. I TREAT myself by buying like cherries… I don’t drink soda (if I do it’s a v rare Diet Coke), I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t drink juice, I drink unsweetened iced green tea and honey or coconut water… I don’t even eat three meals a fucking day- I get like one or two bc I don’t get hungry until 4:00pm!! I don’t even eat desert super regularly because there just isn’t a lot of vegan options that taste good!!! I don’t own a car so I literally have to walk everywhere and would walk to work every day- rain or shine- 30 minutes there and back!! It’s not fucking fair. I’m tired. I’m angry. What the FUCK man I don’t know what to do! My dr doubled down during my follow up that I NEED to lose weight but I don’t know what more I can do!! Why do I have to eat less of my already super limited diet but my roommate can come home from work eat three hotdogs and Mac and cheese and wine and be healthy!! It feels like I’m fighting a fucking uphill battle constantly!! Like fuckjng hell!! I don’t know what to fucking do??? Like I literally don’t know what more I can cut out! It’s just not fucking fair I’m doing everything right! I’m also literally a size small in all my clothes!! I don’t know where I’d even lose 25 lbs from!! It’s just such fucking bullshit that I can be so goddamn on top of my fucking health and go to the doctor and get told I’m obese but other 21 year olds are eating pizza and drinking and are fine fuck me this sucks everything Sucks and I can’t even cry in my room with a tub of icecream about it bc I’m a fuckjng vegan!!! FUCK!! Like I’m NOT going back to counting calories I cannot do that again I won’t let myself- I’m mentally healthy FINALLY not throwing that away- but I literally don’t fucking Know how much less I can eat!! I hate it! I hate it so much!!! Why can’t I be mentally healthy and physically healthy at the same time! Why the duck is it that the second I recover from years of unhealthy restriction I’m told to lose weight!! Why can’t I do anything in moderation Jesus fuck it’s not fuckjng fair!!! Man!! Weight doesn’t matter and it’s not an indication of morality but I’ve fought SO hard to be healthy and eat a balanced diet WHY CANT I WIN ONE FUCKJNG THING!! Why do I have to be either obese or literally starving myself god fuck I was DONE with goal weights and calorie counting but for the second appointment in a row I was told I’m obese now and NEED to lose weight and will have a follow up in three months. There’s just no winning. I just want to eat my stupid rice and vegetables and beans and drink my stupid green tea and water and mind my business and be 130 lbs but that’s too fucking much to ask for I fuckjng guess FUCK great fuckjng time to start the fucking 1989 era again Jesus Christ man I’m just so frustrated especially when I see my roomates laughing and having fun big meals- one of my male roomates eats bacon Mac and cheese or half a meat pizza and that’s dinner and he’s fine! And I try so hard not to be jealous of people who can put anything in their bodies and be the bmi their doctor told them to be but GOD it’s SO hard to NOT feel shame and frustration after my appointments when I’m told point blank that I’m obese and need to drop 25 lbs I’m just fucking tired man

[invincible-selfxmade-punk]

24 working days until the last day of school. It cannot come too soon.

Some kid stuck a mousetrap in my file cabinet today.

That wasn't even enough to get the principal or assistant principal to come down and check it out. No one ever followed up to allow me to file charges on the kid that was trying to asphyxiate us all by spraying aerosol in a closed classroom over and over again.

I asked the principal to get him out of my class and I was ignored.

My co-teacher is candidate for a PhD and yet she teaches 5th grade.

Talking to her is like talking to a brick wall.

I have taught there for 5 years I know the type of kids that we have and I know how their parents are.

She comes from a prep school where they never get discipline problems because those type of kids aren't allowed to attend.

I like to do my own lessons, I like to do the research myself and usually when I am under pressure to get them done, I come up with my most creative ideas.

She doesn't create anything on her own.

She buys it all in advance from Teachers Pay Teachers.

The previous principal I had for 5 years drilled into our heads that Teachers Pay Teachers was for stupid and lazy people. We were absolutely forbidden from ever using lessons from there.

So I learned to make my own which I was very good at. But I haven't been able to use any of my lessons this year because I am having to be in lockstep with the other teacher and she only uses TPT.

I have been condescended to until I am condescended into submission.

Everything I have suggested has been ignored.

Even though most of what I have suggested is what the curriculum director has asked for.

Somehow I ended up with an extra free period. And instead of actually giving me time to do anything I was told I needed to "go learn how to be a teacher from her." What I saw was her giving High School level notes to barely literate 4th graders some of which did not even know English. No visuals, no photos, no videos, no music, no movement, just 45 minutes of copying notes.

This goes against every single professional development I have ever had in the last 8 years.

But she is candidate for a PhD and the best friend of the principal so nothing is done.

Add to this teaching the covid generation and I honestly think I would probably have better luck teaching felons in prison. I definitely would have felt safer.

Add to this Greg Abbott cracking down on what we can and cannot teach. As it is now they are telling us absolutely do not teach anything extra other than what we are telling you to teach. If it says Identify Martin Luther King's accomplishments then don't go into him being assassinated just talk about what he did. This constrains me even more but I am hoping that if I am alone and unobserved in my room with the door shut I can impart any extra knowledge I feel like I need to without being harassed.

However who knows how long that is going to last. I do know I have already been threatened with being thrown in jail if I teach something that has been pulled out of the curriculum.

So at some point I am going in for my final teaching evaluation of the year.

And I don't know what I'm going to do. If I were to share what my true feelings are I would probably be fired. But at the same time I don't know how much longer I can swallow my ego and let them run right over me for the sake of having a job.

If I wasn't so old and broke down I would tell them to all go f themselves and just leave. But I can't do that because there are very few jobs that I can do at this point in my life and living where I am I'm even more limited. But the Mousetrap thing.... that did not make me happy at all.

This year has it been even worse than covid and I didn't think anything could be worse than that.

And I got in trouble because my lesson plans did not match my co-teachers and I will admit I did miss one of the standards was which was the wrong number. But little nitpicky things like I had put all day long there was going to be a STAAR test next Tuesday and in each of the seven or eight blocks we have to fill out I simply put STAAR test because if we leave one of them blank we get in trouble. Well she only put STAAR test in four of her blanks and in the others she put N/A.

So I got in trouble because I did not put N/A in the same length she did. I really wanted to be extra and say if she misspelled a word am I going to have to go back and misspell the same word so that will match?

[harmonaesthetic]

i know this is such a strange question to ask and im actually sorry im asking this because of how stupid and useless this question is but i dont know who to ask. i havent changed my room like paint it or get new furniture for it since i was 6 , i live with a disabled mother who can only stand/walk for like 20 minutes and i couldnt do it by myself so ive never been able to change my room. i have the option to change it now and i have a large budget to do this. im going to paint my bathroom and my bedroom and buy a new bed, decor, desk all that stuff but i dont know if i should do my room to look very similar to violet’s or just do a very basic “modern” room ( obviously i couldnt do it exactly like violets considering her room decor is from more than a decade ago ). i really couldnt change it after i make this choice id have to repaint, buy all new furniture etc and i cannot make up my mind it is literally tearing me up as i cant even answer where i want to eat for dinner 😭. with a room like violets i would have my absolute dream room but my friends would make fun of me, it would be slightly more expensive and im so worried ill change my mind like what if i dont base my whole personality on violet anymore?? and with the plain room i wouldnt love it and it would be very boring but i wouldnt get made fun of and i would be able to add more in it ( tv, vanity etc) i just dont know what to do because thats a lot of money to spend to want to change it in a year or two no matter what style room i choose . im so sorry for asking this ridiculously stupid question!

This isn't a stupid question whatsoever and there is no need to apologize! You definitely came to the right place because I love design and being economical.

First of all, if your friends belittle you for your tastes they are lousy friends. When they do that shut them down. Tell them to stop because it makes you feel bad or simply give them the silent treatment. The latter I usually use and it works.

Secondly, you need to remember you don't have to get everything at once. It is like building any collection; it takes time and patience.

I think Violet's bedroom paint color is neutral and can go with just about anything. I wouldn't go with a darker paint color because your environment affects your mood. It will be like a cave. While white or grey works well I think it is overdone and resembles a hotel lobby.

In order not to break the bank with capturing Violet's aesthetic, you need to look in the right places. A large amount of her furniture was found in antique thrift stores. Find thrift stores or markets near you. They will be significantly cheaper than Etsy or Poshmark. You can also try out Ebay, Poshmark, or Facebook Marketplace. Make sure the seller is well rated, though.

But I have to address something important; you mention basing your whole personality on Violet, I discourage that because you will lose your own identity in the process. Additionally Violet herself would promote staying true to yourself and not changing for anyone.

Now I have a few questions because I really want to help you:

how big is your room and do you know the dimensions?

would you like me to post pictures of Violet esque bedrooms?

would you also like me to post links to stuff (dupes and exact furniture)?

[blurglesmurfklaine]

ok ok I love drag me headfirst (fearless) so I've picked from there. and i adore this scene with you know REVELATIONS and such. sorry that this was probably a little while ago to think about.

“Dance with me?” Blaine asks, grin bright and beaming. 

Hell, Blaine could ask him to jump off a bridge, and as long as Blaine’s hand was in his, he’d do it. Kurt can’t stop the corner of his mouth from twitching, and then Blaine is full on grinning, reeling him in and tugging him close.

You lift my feet off the ground, spin me aroundYou make me crazier, crazierFeels like I'm falling and IAm lost in your eyes, you make me crazier, crazier, crazier

Every passing second, it’s getting more and more difficult for Kurt to ignore the pounding in his chest, or the buzzing, almost shakiness in his arms as he wraps them up around Blaine’s neck.

“Can I kiss you again?”

“Huh?” Kurt says, voice a little out of breath and dazed.

“I feel like Taylor has some songs about kissing at parties. You know, full experience, and all.”

Kurt finds himself nodding, although he certainly can’t think of any off the top of his head. Truth be told, he can’t think at all when Blaine is pressed up against him like this.

His eyes dart to Blaine’s lips and then his eyes, scouring his face for any sense of hesitance but find none. Then, Blaine pulls them together, and Kurt’s mind goes blank, all he can think about is the gentle push and pull of his best friend’s mouth on his.

The moment Blaine pulls away and slowly opens his eyes is the moment Kurt realizes something he can never tell: he’s hopelessly in love with Blaine.

“Shit,” Kurt whispers.

Blaine knits his eyebrows together. “What?”

Kurt just shakes his head and pulls Blaine in, until their lips are touching once more. Blaine moves a hand to the back of Kurt’s neck and pulls him closer, as if they aren’t close enough already, as if he can’t get enough of Kurt, breathing him in. 

AHHHHHH THANK YOU! I actually loved writing Drag Me Headfirst because it might be THE most self indulgent thing i have EVER created ajshahshs

The DVD Commentary:

I knew I wanted to use “Crazier” even though it’s not technically on the fearless album because it IS a waltz which gives it that “sway”-y feel to it and I was like “oh yeah they can SLOWDANCE TO THIS”

God they are so stupid. They are just. Absolute fucking idiots and I know I’m the one who wrote them that way but at what cost???? Blaine is literally smiling like an IDIOT, finding an excuse to dance with you, and asking to kiss you and you’re just like “damn I wish he liked me” what kind of fuckery????? Honestly though I can’t even say anything because I’m the same way—I cannot take a hint for SHIT and I think a lot of people can’t either so I was like. Let’s lean into that. See what it looks like from an outside perspective. Ladies: we’re idiots your honor

THE “Oh.” MOMENT—in a friends to lovers AU, I am a HUUUUGE slut for that italicized Oh. moment!! bc like they’ve been besties forever so what makes it FINALLY click? I think it’s always gotta be something really stupidly fucking obvious (a kiss in this case) or something really subtle (like in HS when Tao buys Elle’s drink after she transfers).

But then oh no we’re not done fellas because as anyone who has ever had a crush on anyone ever can tell you—ITS THE PITS. The mortifying ordeal of being known and all that jazz! So I like to lean into that mortification and a thing I really enjoy writing is when a character is like “Omg I love them. FUCK.” because like yes I love love and I think it’s fantastic but the scariest thing about realizing you have something precious is realizing you could LOSE it so that’s where Kurt’s “Shit.” comes from lmao

And then my favorite moment in this scene is actually right after that when Kurt shakes his head because AS I was writing it I literally made myself cry with laughter at my own stupid jokes because I said: “NOW WE DONT HAVE TIME TO UNPACK ALL OF THAT” aloud to an empty room which is Normal Behavior of course.

I just really enjoy the progression of “Wow Blaine is such a good friend for kissing me. Oh, fuck, I’m in love. Nevermind, we’re going to ignore this.” I think in the moment it comes off as romantic and maybe even a little bit angsty, but honestly the whole thing is based off the humor and ridiculousness of it all which I guess you can’t have one without the other!

Thanks so much for sending this in jas!! It was so much fun! :D 💞💞

[squeet-smooch]

Tak. Mitten is making me write this version of this note.

I have been feeling incredibly unwell about a lot lately, and over time it has not improved much if at all. I cannot tell what's real, and i don't know if i can even believe what I'm experiencing is a trauma response or a valid observation of my environment.

I just want you to know how much i appreciate everything you've done for me and my system. You've genuinely brought me to such a beautiful, safe, and exciting new environment that i do believe is going to hold incredible opportunities and provide plenty of room to heal.

Unfortunately i am sick, there was never a time where i wasn't. I do not know how to accept kindness or ask for help or even how to verbalize what's going on. I know any message i send is going to leave out major information and i tend to hyperfoxus on the wrong stuff.

But to the best of my ability i do want to talk about and express it, and heal. I want to have a back and forth where we can both be honest and feel better together after, regardless of initial discomfort. Things always feel better after hard talks.

Getting directly into it, i genuinely hold the belief that you're tired of me, regretting everything we've had or agreed to, and do not want me around anymore. I firmly feel like you want nothing to do with me, and have withdrawn mostly purposefully and wish to be more away from me.

I believe I've done nothing but hurt you again and again since we met, and that I'm not the person you thought i was when you spoke about wanting to marry a while back. You did say you wanted to move slow after my February visit, and I'm more than thrilled to gently move forward in an easy, soft relationship where both of us are unsure and loving.

I am getting more and more scared though, that i am right. That now that I'm here, you realize somehow I'm not right for you, and that you would rather break it off or have me take a lot of space from you. I've pulled back significantly, not because i don't want you, or to be close with you, but because i believe it's what is going to help you. I miss you intensively, but the thought of approaching you with it makes me feel like I'm pushing you, like I'm being awful. I feel like i am encroaching on all, every single one of your boundaries and proving to be a terrible roommate, just as i feared before moving.

I worry about tossing and turning every night, keeping you both awake, so i come to the bed very late after I've exhausted myself so i know i won't move so much, or after I'm sure you guys must be in deeper sleep. Or i don't come in at all. Because i am not accustomed to sleeping with anyone, certainly not since kaleb and even further back to when i was very small, where i was ridiculed for essentially sleep fighting.

I cannot rest. Although it is all i have time to do anymore. I feel as if I'm losing resource after resource, and I'm terrified yet i cannot ask to fix it.

The pool is closed, probably will be til next year. My heart breaks over it but what kind of immature person would i be if i didn't cope? I've been out of deodorant for a while now, and i would be okay just to borrow Tailgate's that he said i could use, that he left here, until i could buy my own, but it's low too. I'm low on shampoo, and also conditioner but obviously that one is not near as important as soap and i have replacements for that if i really need it. I lost my ID, which i desperately need for literally everything. I lost use of my sunflower debit card because of a simple mistake that was very avoidable. Things like this keep happening and i am extremely triggered by it all the time.

I feel constantly triggered like that. Like somehow I'm still not safe, like nothing i own is safe and no matter how hard i try i cannot protect my things or the people i love.

I also truly believe that any mention of any of my issues is not only irrelevant, but inappropriate. Regardless of what it is or reason for sharing, and while i did say something triggering over message and you did use a gentle tone indicator, it feels to me like proof of a bigger issue.

Too much of what makes me, me is something that triggers you terribly. My identity itself is just something that doesn't line up with your lifestyle and i don't know how to find compromise, i do not know how to keep both of us safe. I want to make you happy and i am sick to my stomach thinking that i cannot. Despite anything.

I don't even know if you'll see these words, i don't know if we'll be able to talk, or when. I don't know if i have the strength to tell you anything. I have been trying to get a chance to talk for weeks now and things just get harder.

I want us to be close again. I don't want to come off as jealous or needy but i want to be physical and affectionate and cuddle, hold hands, kiss, anything at all again. I feel like I've already lost you and everything wrong right now is all my fault. But again, i can't even tell if it's real. It feels entirely real to me. I cannot see past my own nose and the pain that burns my organs out, but it very well could be the cortisol my body has come to rely on. The trauma response that kept me around for 22 years. Everything is too big and i cannot carry it, I've always carried it alone and had to make it through. I know im not supposed to believe that's how it is now, but i still do. I don't know how to see recovery anymore, and I'm scared you're going to see me as anti-recovery and toxic if i give in. I never just give up on my healing, that's a code of honor I've pledged with Mitten time and time again, and we dont betray each other. But i do feel stagnant, and that I'm backpedaling into some really dark territory. I don't want to backpedal, i don't want to possibly relapse into my darker mindsets and coping mechanisms, but i cannot turn it off. I cannot ease it and nothing has been helping.

Words of reassurance from everyone around, all the time, including you a lot, but i don't feel like you guys actually believe in me. And you're waiting to be proven right about quiet thoughts you carry.

I'm irresponsible. I'm mean. I'm selfish and needy and ignorant. I'm careless. I make everything about myself regardless of anything. I feel like no one truly respects me or ever could. And i just don't know what to do or think or say.

I've written again and again to try to verbalize things, I've tried to gently start conversations or ask if i could help in some way, how to improve whats so unwell right now, but nothing is coming out correctly and it just feels worse than it has this whole time.

I'm very sorry for every way I've possibly hurt you, and I'm sorry if what I've said is ever unwarranted or wrong. I love you with my whole heart and i hope that things can improve soon, and quickly. You deserve better than this. (And Mitten insists that i do too but i can't help but struggle to believe that)

[bloodgutsanchocolatecake]

I'm having an anxiety attack rn and I think it's about my relationship with my ex and that he's not completely out of my life. Just the way things have gone down the past few weeks. He's drinking again, and hiding it. Him failing to bring me up for my own speech during the wedding, let alone just mentioning that I existed at all to this couple I set up. Completely erased me from the narrative and I don't buy that he was too high. I'm mad he got too high at the wedding but we're not in a relationship so I can't get mad at him for making his own choices. It just hurt my feelings even though all the people that matter know the truth. Finding another girls underwear in his room and the elaborate story that made it not his fault that followed, his failure to check up on me and make sure I was OK knowing the underwear would be obviously triggering. It's all so strange to me, it doesn't sit right. I'm mad hypervigilant now. I'm not sure if I'm being told the truth or not but the night after, catching him in a lie followed by him confessing his feelings and that we should be together etc etc and that going not well because I don't reciprocate those feelings. I just feel love bombed and manipulated in hindsight. Can you be manipulated if you don't fall for it in the first place? Idk. But after hours of trying to get him to restructure our boundaries so he doesn't feel led on and him literally outright refusing while calling me an asshole for engaging within our current boundaries we had set? We've had so many conversations where I reiterated my lack of desire to be in a relationship and how important my individuality is to me having a healthy relationship. I just snapped out of my high/haze last week and am hit full force again with how much I don't want to be with him and how I know in my heart we have no future that I want. That I'll never know who he really is because our trust is so broken beyond redemption. I'm traumatized beyond redemption (in the context of this relationship at bare minimum) that even if he changed my trauma responses cannot. The paranoia would never go away, the flight/fight/freeze way of living constantly. Even now, with me really not caring or being bothered by the idea of him with someone else and just mildly bothered about the whole charade and the way he can't be honest. It's just so familiar it's like my receptors to it are completely numb and it fails to elicit the heartbroken response of the past. But the response I am having is not worth it... and I wouldn't have it if it weren't for the triggers. How much happier I am the more independent I get and my confidence is slowly returning and I'm really starting to like myself. I think I need to get the last of my affairs in order and cut him loose completely. We've been so codependent that it's a little scary. But it's right. It's the right thing to do. I want freedom more than anything. I have to do the last of my grieving and move on from bargaining to acceptance. It's time. It's time to reconcile with reality. I'll be ok, and I'll be loved again.

[diyaries]

my dorm life + honest feelings / thoughts 🍃

as young people, we have always romanticized living on our own, having our very own apartment/house or anything you can call your own home. this is also a dream come true for most people, especially when you grew up in a toxic household. thinking that getting to live on your own will solve all our problems and finally escape an unhealthy environment. I genuinely think that was where I’m wrong.

It is true that you will finally escape your hellish toxic household. in most cases, you’ll even have a better relationship with your parent(s) when you’re not living under the same roof anymore. there is a whole new different adventure out there ~ you’ll finally get to grow as a young adult, explore yourself, and learn to budget your shit. but finally having my own dorm definitely didn’t solve all my problems.

all i can say is, i definitely miss my old house. even if it was toxic, atleast someone was still preparing food for me. i am a person who is always prone to sickness and in fact, as i’m writing this, i currently have a flu and a sore throat. i had to buy my own medicine and food at night at alfamart. well, it was only a few streets away, but walking is hard for a sick person. i had to prepare my own food, wipe my own body with a cold towel. it’s hard- when all you have is yourself.

i even forget about my meals, i literally lose track of time. sometimes, i’m so mentally unstable from being homesick that i get too unmotivated to even prepare something for myself. i developed unhealthy habits, i mean no one is monitoring me anymore (sounds shitty but this is my personal thought). i struggle so much with my mental health that most of the time, my physical health is deteriorating too.

and since you’re budgeting and most dorms don’t even allow cooking at your place (luckily, mine did allow it), you can only buy frozen foods :( i miss homemade ulams and meals so much. there are karenderyas nearby, but the food made by your mama and lola hit different, right?

i can’t even take walks outside, as i have developed anxiety with the recent increasing rate of crimes in the country, i cannot go outside without my pepper spray, whistle, and i look around my surroundings every 5 seconds even. or is this just the daily life of being a person who has a vagina (LOL).

doing groceries on your own can get exhausting too, especially with social anxiety and how heavy your grocery’s gonna be and it’s a reeeaaaaallllyyyy long ride on the way home. how the hell are you gonna carry shit all on your own. plus the expenses here in my new place is hella expensive compared to my hometown. and i also remember getting lost at the mall on the way to the school supplies store because i am not good with directions (TT ^ TT). (although the pic only contains my junk foods, i don’t eat them anymore as i’m trying to be healthy. but other parts of groceries i’m talking about is the things you buy in palengke (frozen foods, stocks, etc).

it was only fun as a kid, you can just point this, there and that. but now, you have to be wise with what you spend your money with and make sure you’re damn healthy! this takes a lot of sacrifice.

but this is always an opportunity for something new ~ something bigger ~ maybe i’m just like this because i’m only starting to adjust. it’s weird, it is so difficult that even though my household was toxic, i started missing them. but there is a buddhist saying “let them into your heart but not into your living room”. words to live by indeed! in this world, you have to be strong and wise. you must live through ~

this is how i’ve been feeling, but i cannot deny the fun of it. there is more freedom to be myself, you can dance alone and blast music (but not too loud) in your dorm, there’s no more of a distraction when you’re doing your plates and activities, and learning to be independent is just rewarding! i’m grateful i get to experience this despite the struggles. you can also get out anytime and anywhere you want ~ nothing is stopping you!

i want people to know that cats are calm and sweet here, i could tell that this place is friendly to animals :3 it’s also clean too! i barely see people litte.

And i know it’s gonna get better, this is only just the beginning. it’s okay to feel this way at first cause it is something new. i promise i had been trying to fix these habits and be healthier cause my body deserves it. i deserve it. also that now i met amazing people in this new place, they are a lot of help too. they really inspire you to get better. like i said, it’s a whole new adventure out there. and i’ll keep striving for a better dorm laifu.

i’ll keep you updated with my dorm experience! thank you 💕

i want to note that this tumblr is a public account, so i don’t mention any specific place or what university i go to.

[urimaginespimp]

Untouchable (This Love pt 8)

Bucky x reader (elemental witch)

Set during TFATWS mainly episodes 4-5

Note: Little references on You All Over Me

Previous Part: Happiness

--------

“I’m letting you go, Bucky.”

It felt like he watched a part of himself die as soon as those words left your lips. How could he have been so late to realize that he’s in love with you? And in the worst possible time ever; When you finally look like you’re in peace and ready to open yourself once more to the world.

“I’d really like to be friends with you again someday. Maybe as you’ve said before, I will thank you.” You genuinely smiled at him and he almost wanted to yell at you to take it back. To say that you still want to be together.

But that would be so cruel of him. So he merely returned a smile, hoping that it came off genuine.

“You go alert Sam. I’m gonna try my best to stall Ayo and the other women. Though I doubt I could buy you more than a few seconds once the eighth hour rolls around.” you grinned and turned to go find where the Dora Milaje were waiting.

--------

Eight hours have passed and you were now taking the Dora Milaje to where Sam, Bucky, and Zemo would be.

Only when you were outside the door, you could hear an unfamiliar man’s voice almost threatening Sam into a fight.

“He’d die before he thinks he can hurt a friend to the throne.” Ayo commented, and before you knew it, one of them have thrown their spear before the man who you now can assume as discount Captain America could even raise a fist to Sam.

You walked in beside Ayo and based on Bucky’s expression, their business with Zemo wasn’t even close to done yet.

“Even if he is a means to your end, time’s up.” Ayo declared out loud in the room. “Release him to us now.”

“Hi. John Walker. Captain America.” The man interrupted. You bit your lip to stop yourself from laughing. This didn’t go unnoticed by Bucky however, who was mentally kicking himself because now was not the time to be reminded that he knows how those felt against his. The little taste of heaven he got.

“You were like a little sister to Steve Rogers, right?” He turned his attention to you with a cheery voice. “Happy to finally meet your new big brother?” He jested.

“Sorry. That positions been long taken over ever since the potty mouth racoon started exchanging memes with me.” you retort with a shrug, which made Sam cough to hide his chuckles, and Zemo to look at you as if that was the craziest thing he’s ever heard.

“Well, let’s uh, put down the pointy sticks and we can walk this through, huh?” Walker tried to gain control over the room’s atmosphere.

“Hey, John. Take it easy.” Sam butted in. “You might wanna fight Bucky before you tangle with the Dora Milaje. Or even worse, Y/N.”

“Yeah, I think I can take some water or rocks being thrown at me.” He smirked at you, making the side of your lip twitch.

“Careful, Walker, I’m almost twitching to blend that bloodstream of yours. I can control you like a puppet and I wouldn’t even have to move an inch from where I’m standing.” You smiled at him almost eerily, and Bucky was sporting a proud look on his face.

But of course, you weren’t gonna do it. You’ve long vowed to put puppeting the living off the table unless it was a life and death situation.

Walker gulped before turning once again to Ayo. “The Dora Milaje don’t have jurisdiction here.”

“The Dora Milaje have jurisdiction wherever the Dora Milaje find themselves to be.” You could almost see steam coming out of Ayo’s ears as she spoke. She could also feel that something didn’t feel right with this man.

Looking at his companion, you could see that unlike Walker, he was getting nervous.

“Look, I think we got off on the wrong foot.” Walker played it off, before he layed his hand on Ayo.

Then all hell broke loose.

--------

Ayo literally disarmed Bucky. Both of you shared the same shocked expression.

Walker was catching his breath after they handed his ass to him, and was failing miserably to remove the spear that held the shield up on the table.

Ayo opened the doors to where Zemo had last gone into, only to find it empty.

One of the women took the spear off effortlessly and picked up the shield as Walker was now on the ground looking defeated.

“He is gone. Leave it.” Ayo told her.

Picking his Vibranium arm off the ground, Bucky was still trying to wrap his head around what just happened.

“Did you know they could do that?” Sam asked, just getting up from the floor.

“Guessing from his reaction, no.” You commented as he attached it back and tested it. “Are you alright?” you approached him. His arm worked just fine. Relief flooded him.

“Yeah. How about you? You still got cuts and bruises from Madripoor.” He reaches out and holds a side of your jaw to turn your head as if to assess the minor damages on your face, causing your breath to hitch.

This was the first time he got to touch you again after all the distancing and avoiding you’ve been doing before. He smiled at you sweetly, making you confused. Sam was also giving Bucky a questioning look.

“I think I’m gonna help them look for Zemo. You guys gonna be alright?” you stepped back away from him and turned to Sam, and he nodded before giving you a hug and told you to be safe.

You gave Bucky a smile before leaving to catch up with the Dora Milaje. As soon as you were out of earshot, Sam turned to him with a smug expression.

“Have something to share, Bucky?” He asked playfully, already having a hunch why Bucky was acting all weird.

“Sam, I’m in love with her.” He replied, still staring at the direction where you just exited.

“Yeah, I figured.” he snorted in reply. It was about damn time.

“But just when it hit me, she then says she’s letting me go. Now I’m the one caught up in her.”

“Well that’s some angsty shit right there, man. Let’s grab something to eat first and talk about how your cyborg brain finally named the feelings you’ve had all this time.” Sam pats his shoulder before muttering that he was gonna need food for this discussion.

--------

You had an inkling that Zemo was heading to Sokovia. And it seemed that Bucky had the same though as he caught up on you and the Dora Milaje on your way there.

The moment you saw him, the dried blood on his face raised your concerns, and he was trying to hide the fact that he was enjoying your attention when you insisted on patching him up, and you were oblivious to the Dora Milaje’s teasing glances thrown his way, and even when one of them mouthed the word simps to him.

He made a mental note to look up what that means later.

I thought you’d be here sooner.” Zemo spoke as he got nearer. “Don’t worry, I’ve decided I’m not going to kill you.”

“Imagine my relief.” Bucky replied, clicking the gun on his side.

“The girl has been radicalized beyond salvation. I warned Sam, but he didn’t listen to me. He’s as stubborn as Steve Rogers before him. But you... they literally programmed you to kill. James, do what needs to be done. Karli has people everywhere, and there’s only one way to make sure she cannot continue her mission.” Zemo rationalized.

“I appreciate the advice. But we’re gonna do it our own way.”

Zemo chuckled softly. “Yeah. I was afraid you would say that.”

Raising the gun to his head, there was no once of fear in Zemo’s eyes, rather it looked like he was ready to be reunited with his family. This was further shown when he actually nodded at Bucky.

Only that nothing happened as he pulled the trigger. Instead, he raised his left fist, and as he opened it, the bullets fell off, clanking on the ground.

Just then, three of the Dora Milajes marched up behind him, ready to take him away this time.

“Ladies...” he acknowledged them before turning back to him. “I took the liberty of crossing my name in your book. I hold no grudges for what you thought you had to do.” Bucky nodded, appreciating the gesture.

“Parting words of advice...” Zemo spoke again, this time lower as he knew you might be somewhere nearer and might hear what he’s about to say next.

“Like every other dollar in our pockets, you can’t change where it’s been, James. Much the same goes for you. But Y/N... She loves you nonetheless. And if my eyes don’t deceive me, I’d say you feel the same but she’s doesn’t know that.” he smiles at him

“I’d only realized it myself recently.” He confesses, only then realizing that the three women were listening and now had their brows raised in surprise.

“Don’t be too late.” Zemo grinned in satisfaction of his confession.

“I’m gonna work on that, thank you.” He returned the smile.

“Goodbye, James.”

As you saw them lead Zemo to the ship, you took that as your cue to finally approach them. You’d witness the entire thing, except that it was all inaudible from where you’ve been standing.

“It would be prudent to make yourself scare in Wakanda for the time being, White Wolf.” You heard Ayo advise him as you were finally in earshot’s way.

“Fair enough.” he replies in understanding.

Ayo nodded at you as you came closer to where they were, and she shot you a teasing wink, confusing you while Bucky cleared his throat in embarrassment.

“We’ll wait for you in the ship.” she told you.

“I didn’t know you could be so theatrical, Bucky.” You grinned teasingly at him.

“Had to give you a little inkling to what was happening since you were so far away.” He gave you a boyish smile.

“You’re gonna pick those up later, right?” you gestured at the bullets still on the ground.

“Yeah, just after all of you are gone. Don’t wanna ruin the magic of that scene.” He replied scratching the back of his head, making you laugh.

"You’re going back to Wakanda with them?” Because if you are, then the universe was definitely punishing him since he can’t really go there right now as he pleases.

“Yeah, I’m long overdue for a visit.” You answered. “Don’t worry, I’ll explain everything to them. You’d be in their good graces again in no time.” you assured.

As you spoke, the sun was just starting to set behind you, creating a golden outline of you. The sight was making his heart pound. To him you were burning brighter than the sun.

Yep, the universe is definitely fucking me. He thought to himself.

And as you stepped closer, he felt like he was coming undone when you hesitantly pulled him in for a small hug.

“Take care of yourself, James.” you whispered.

James. She called me James. Heat was rising up in him.

Breaking off from the hug, you were blushing. “It’s alright if I call you that too, right? I mean I know I said that’s what I called 1940s you when we were testing the time portal, but it’s still you, you know, and-”

“You can call me whatever you want, sweetheart.” He cut off your rambling, smiling at you. “Just not Barnes again.” He added.

“Why?”

“Well, you were mad at me the whole time you did so.”

“Okay, dipshit.”

“Y/N.” he feigned offense.

You laughed at his expense. “I’ll let either one of you know if I’m back in New Asgard.”

“We’ll have a lot of catching up to do by then.” He smiled, and you turned to head to the ship where unbeknownst to you, the women and Zemo have been watching the two of you interacting.

“Hey Y/N?” Bucky called out to you at the last second.

“Yeah?”

He was contemplating whether he’d just tell you right then and there about his feelings. It was starting to eat him up, but then he shook it off, knowing that he and Sam still had a mission to finish first.

“I... I may have another favor to ask Wakanda.”

--------

When he got to Sam’s hometown, he saw that there was a community of people helping repair a boat. It reminded him of his time working with in the docs.

He’s now offered his services to help Sam repair their family boat. He’s also met his sister Sara, nad he was surprised that when he made an attempt to be charming, it actually kind of worked.

They were now enjoying a drink together after a day’s worth of fixing.

“Talked to Y/N, yet?” Sam asked him, taking a swing of the bottle.

“She’s a lot more friendly to me now which is both a good and bad sign for me. But I haven’t told her yet. Not really a good time.” he answered in dep thought.

“You know before we got ourselves tangled into this mess, like way before Walker happened and you decided to show up, we were in constant communication.” Sam shared.

“Yeah?” he failed to hide the jealousy in his voice, causing Sam to crack up.

“Don’t get your metal panties in a twist, man. We were mostly talking about you." he clarified. “She knew you didn’t want to see her - which I beg to differ by the way – but she was somehow hoping you would at least be talking to me.”

“I’m sorry for ignoring your calls and text.” He says to Sam, which the man assured him was fine. “There were instances at night where I couldn’t sleep and my thoughts would be plagued with her. That I wish I hadn’t been so rash with making the decision to be alone and leave her the way I did.” this was the first time he talked about it to someone. His own therapist didn’t know a thing about it.

“Let me ask you something. Where do you want to stand in her life after all of this is over?” Sam knew this wasn’t what co-workers would be talking about but he knew that this was for the good of you both.

“I want to spend the rest of my years making it up to her. To let her know that while it took me long to realize it, we were actually always in the same page.” He found himself replying with no hesitation. Sam was satisfied with this answer.

“And how are you gonna convince her to give you a chance?”

He shrugged. He didn’t know just yet.

“Tell you what. The younger people around here know their stuff when it comes to matters of the heart. I’ll have them make a manuscript you could read, or a video tutorial.” He chuckles. He had no idea Sam was being serious.

“Well...” Bucky got up and clinked their bottles together. “Gotta catch my flight tomorrow. Get a hotel for the night. Crash, you know?”

“You’re just gonna set me up like that, huh?” Sam grinned, shaking his head.

“Well I don’t wanna make it weird for your family.” He shrugged.

“Just stay here. The people in this town are the most welcoming people in the world. They don’t care if you wear small T-shirts, or if you have six toes, or if your mom’s your aunt, or that I work with a reformed cyborg that’s in love with a witch that’s practically an avatar, who apparently single-handedly secured her adoptive father’s kingdom’s economy-” Bucky chuckled at Sam’s ramblings.

“Okay, I get it. I mean, you know, the people are nice.” he concedes.

“But don’t displace your feelings for Y/n by flirting with my sister.” Sam pointed at him. “Cause if you do, I’ll have Carlos cut you up, feed half of you to the fish, and send the other half to New Asgard so they could to feed you to their fish.”

“Okay.”

--------

He was gazing up at the stars, feeling the soft grass underneath his lying figure. The comfort and peace it gave him was almost nostalgic.

“How is it possible that this place also has the best set of stars for us to look at?”  A voice spoke next to him. Turning his head to where it came from, his heart fluttered as he welcomed the sight of you lying next to him, looking up the sky with such wander in your eyes.

He recognizes this scenario. He had just woken up once again from a nightmare, and couldn’t fall back asleep despite your presence. So, you proposed you’d both get some fresh air and just lay out on the field while the rest of Wakanda was fast asleep.

At first he was hesitant, not wanting to keep you up any longer, but you insisted that you haven’t been able to sleep a wink before he woke up from his nightmare. That’s how he groggily got up and took the hand you offered up to him as you lead him out of your shared hut, and into the wide field before you.

“Ayo said you’re having progress.” you turned your head to look at him. This time, he was the one stuck looking up the sky. He merely let out a small grunt as a response.

“I’m proud of you, Buck.” He could almost hear the smile from your tone. The genuineness of it all made the side of his lip twitch.

Getting up halfway to face him, you were supporting yourself up with your elbow. “We could celebrate if you want.” you suggested.

“I’m not even fully recovered yet.” he replied.

“So? Every milestone to recovery should be celebrated.” you shrugged. “C’mon old man, it doesn’t have to be grand. Any piece of treat you have in mind?”

“I’ve been meaning to try sushi.” He muttered shyly.

“Consider it done.” you beamed at him, laying back down.

There it was again. The tingly feeling he had in his stomach, which only ever occurred every time you were near. Maybe this was the feeling of gratitude. You’ve never been less than nice to him.

Yeah, that explains it. He thinks to himself.

“Why are you so fine with spending your days here anyway? Don’t you have someone waiting on you out of Wakanda? Steve said you’re more social than him.” He found himself asking.

Still looking up, you were sporting a gentle smile on your face. “I spent a great deal reading up classic romance novels when I was just learning the Midgardian ways. And I’m still in love with the whole chivalry, slow-burn romance thing. Imagine my disappointment when the first civilian man I found inherently cute outright asked me if he could have some in the bathroom.” you pursed your lips, making Bucky crack a soft laugh.

“My ma would’ve had my head if I ever said that to a lady.” he replied smiling, his eye crinkling at the thought. “...is that why you said you find me incredibly attractive?” he found himself asking, surprising both of you.

Even underneath the stars, he could see the heat rising up your cheeks. “Oh, you remember that?” you chuckled awkwardly.

“It’s not every day a girl would say that to the world’s deadliest assassin whose just been accused of a bombing incident.”  he was mentally kicking himself for even opening up the topic.

“It’s Steve’s fault. He wouldn’t shut up about how charming and a gentleman you are. And it didn’t help that you’re annoyingly handsome.”

He shifted in his position. “Bet you’re disappointed now.” he said in a low voice.

“Not really.” you argued. “If anything, you’ve added the words hot and strong to the list.” you teased, poking him on the arm. He shook his head at how casual you were being.

“Sooner or later Buck, it won’t be just me crushing on you. Maybe you’d even find yourself falling for a civilian.” There was a hint of sadness behind your smiling eyes. Everybody in the kingdom knew of her allegedly having a crush on you, curtesy of Steve’s blabbering mouth, but this was the first time she actually admitted it.

He didn’t say it, but the thought of what you just said didn’t appeal to him. It felt almost wrong to imagine himself casually being open and carefree with someone else.

Carefree. This was what your conversation now felt like. You managed to somehow make him talk, far from his usual quiet and grunting self during daytime.

He opened his mouth trying to think if a reply when you cut him off.

“Don’t respond to that. You’ve already managed to make my drowsy self, confess having a crush on you.” he turned his head to look your way again, only to find that you now had your eyes closed, a small smile playing on your lips.

Letting you finally get some sleep; he turned his attention back to the sky.

And it's like the million little stars above him were spelling out your name.

Just then he wakes up from the dream, as the little whispers by the doorway caught his attention. Sam’s nephews were playing with the shield.

“Hey!” he raised his hand to greet them while still lying down on the couch.

“Put it back.” one of them said to the other. “Hurry, hurry.” and they both took off.

Alone once more, his thought went back to the dream of a memory he had with you.

He found himself smiling.

--------

Y/N: Thanks for all the love! We're one chapter away. I'm just waiting for the last episode (brb crying) to decided where we go from here.

@eternalharry @iheartsebandchris @lizzarooni @the-ayo-lit @tanyaherondale @eliwinchester-barnes @knowyourworth-sellyoursoul @ebxny27 @just-a-littlebit-of-everything @fadingdreamersportsmaker

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 303: And What, Pray Tell, Is a “One For All”

Previously on BnHA: The Todorokis (really just Enji) looked at their children and went “how can we screw up all four of them in uniquely different ways” and proceeded to do just that. Touya was all “just because practicing how to set myself on fire better hasn’t worked to win my dad’s affections YET doesn’t mean it will NEVER work”, because child logic. Turns out setting oneself on fire real hard isn’t so effective at winning affections, but is actually incredibly effective when it comes to burning oneself to death, so there’s that. Back in the present day, the Todorokis basked in their various misplaced (again, except for Enji) feelings of guilt, and were all “anyway but get over yourself already Enji, you still have to do something to stop this kid”, and Shouto was all “I’ll help too”, and Enji was all “(╥_╥)”, and Hawks and Jeanist were all “[surreptitiously listening in from outside the door]”, and that’s basically where we left off.

Today on BnHA: Hawks and Jeanist are all “mind if we join you on this family journey?” and proceed to stroll in uninvited with their puns and their perceptive insights. Hawks is all “so to sum everything up, we’re fucked, but at least you have us here to help you out! by the way, no clue why I’m the first person to ask this in three hundred chapters, but wtf is One For All.” We then cut to Deku, who’s still all “[(－－)]z”, and All Might, who is all “I’m just going to ignore the extremely loud racket going on right outside this room.” Which, btw, is happening on account of Bakugou, who is all “(╬◣Д◢)” as Satou, Tsuyu, and Mineta cart him away. Anyway so that’s a lot of antics, and also it looks like Hawks has gotten tired of the Todorokis refusing to put the pieces together on their own about OFA and so he is fast-tracking that shit. And meanwhile Deku is chatting it up with the Vestiges exactly like we all thought. And now we have to wait another whole week for updates on all of this. This really is not fair.

omfg lol

“our bad, we were kind of accidentally listening in on purpose.” like I said last week guys, no fuss. it’s a tradition

OMG

I am absolutely fucking floored. Hawks literally said that so casually that it’s impossible for me to rewrite it so as to be even more casual. that’s literally what I would write in the “today on bnha” section. in fact I probably will write that

(ETA: just for laughs I tried it and it really worked.)

a couple more things to point out about this panel: 

“TOP 3” omg yes. more like “top only” at this point, honestly. interested to see how that goes

Hawks’s phone is freaking the fuck out about something, calm down there

I know this is a standard Jeanist hair-fixing gesture that he does all the time, but I can’t help but form hypotheses about this being a stress reaction because Hawks’s hair is making him internally freak out. Hawks, if this man tries to get you alone with him and some hairspray and a comb, please for the love of god do not listen to him. get out of there and call the authorities

omg Shouto’s face

okay confession, I wasn’t really sold on the whole “Shouto has a schoolboy crush on Hawks” thing until exactly now, when I became 100% sold on it. that is adorable

and heck with it, gotta show Enji and Rei’s reactions here as well because lol

“omg my son who’s not my son, and he just overheard everything about me being a terrible shitty father and person overall, oh and plus my actual-son set him on fire and called him out on a national broadcast. I’m just gonna stare at him baffledly.” versus Rei, who is all “hmm, who are these people”

so Hawks is all “I got released from the hospital after one day for some reason so I made Jeanist drive me around places while we talked about life” but uh, heyyyyy, what’s Rei doing

okay, uh

SO FUCKING FORMAL OMFG. “SORRY MY KID TRIED TO BURN YOU TO DEATH, APPARENTLY HE DOES THAT” REI NO IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT

HAWKS IS ALL “I’M JUST GONNA LAUGH SINCE THAT’S MY DEFAULT RESPONSE TO BEING PROFOUNDLY UNCOMFORTABLE”

let me tell you a secret Hawks, it’s my default response too. ahahahahahahaha oh thank god Jeanist is helping her up -- AND MAKING A JEANS PUN, OF COURSE. IT’S BEEN ALMOST THIRTY SECONDS. MY MAN WAS DYING

“WTF IS ILLEGAL DENIM” he’s talking ‘bout them counterfeit jeans, Rei. Antoine Bugleboy knows

THANK YOU JEANIST!! OUT HERE ASKING THE RELEVANT QUESTIONS

damn straight. we’re not gonna sit around waiting another 300 chapters for this information on this man’s watch

now Hawks is telling Endeavor he used to watch videos of him all the time, and calling him his “childhood obsession” I can’t

OH MY SWEET STARS AND MOONS

1000% CANON. “SO CLOSE...” ARE YOU SERIOUS. YOU REALLY PUT THAT THOUGHT BUBBLE THERE AND EVERYTHING. “GOOD MORNING EVERYONE, SO JUST IN CASE YOU WEREN’T ALREADY AWARE, TODOROKI SHOUTO IS NOT ACTUALLY STRAIGHT.” HORIKOSHI KOUHEI I AM LITERALLY DUMBFOUNDED. THIS IS AMAZING

and meanwhile that look on Hawks’s face while he casually-but-not-really-casually-at-all asks this question. that phone app better be using his actual voice. I’m not sure I could take this scene in the anime at this point if it was like Alexa talking or something

that look in his eyes is basically saying that so far, based on the information he has absorbed up until this point, Hawks is prepared to view his former childhood obsession as a flawed but changed man. however I get the distinct feeling that depending on Endeavor’s answer now, he would be willing to drastically shift some of his opinions on him

(ETA: this is maybe my favorite panel in the entire chapter. the fact that his question isn’t addressed to anyone in particular, but his eyes are zeroing on on Endeavor. and the way his leaning-on-Shouto pose manages to be simultaneously nonchalant and yet ever-so-slightly protective. there’s so much going on in this one question and gesture and I’m mildly obsessed with it.)

however, Rei is all “that was me” and ONCE AGAIN WITH THE FACES IN THIS CHAPTER holy shit

Hawks definitely did not see that one coming sob. it’s so fun watching him frantically recalculate his ideas about this family every two seconds

DAMN IT HORIKOSHI I UNDERSTOOD THE PARALLELS ALREADY, YOU REALLY DIDN’T HAVE TO DO THIS

yes, Hawks, you get it. it’s not exactly the same, but it’s close enough. though unlike your shitty parents, Rei and Enji are at least trying

OKAY I SERIOUSLY CANNOT WITH ALL OF THIS

fljkdlaskfjlwkjl okay we’re doing the bullet-points breakdown here

first of all, the fact that poor little Shouto’s heart is still thumping away at this proximity and all he can think is “CLOSE” all intelligently as he stares at him with that face omg

and meanwhile Horikoshi has these STRATEGIC BANDAGES WRAPPED AROUND HIS CHEEKS TO HIDE ALL OF HIS SHOUJO BLUSHING omfg. SENPAI NOTICED YOU SWEETIE!!!

HAWKS YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY ZERO OBLIGATION TO WASTE ANOTHER SECOND OF YOUR LIFE WORRYING ABOUT THESE TWO ASSHOLES WHO NEVER SPARED YOU THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF REGARD OR CONCERN IN THEIR ENTIRE LIVES. THE NICEST THING YOUR MOM EVER DID FOR YOU WAS BUY YOU A $2 ENDEAVOR PLUSH FROM THE DISCOUNT BIN TO KEEP YOU QUIET, AND YOU WERE SO AWED BY THAT ONE ACT OF SORTA KINDA APPROXIMATE KINDNESS THAT YOU SHAPED YOUR ENTIRE WORLDVIEW AROUND IT. PLEASE LET ME PICK YOU UP IN A BIG HUG FOR JUST A SEC, YOU DESERVE THE WORLD AND YOU WERE ONE THOUSAND PERCENT JUSTIFIED IN LEAVING THEM IN THE DUST THE SECOND THAT YOU COULD

but all that said, he immediately recognizes that Shouto would also have had cause to do the same in his situation, and yet hasn’t. and so he has that much more admiration for him all of a sudden, which is just super sweet, and fully appropriate. Shouto does deserve props. I’m choosing to take this as an “it takes a lot of strength to be able to forgive, and people who choose to do that even though they’re not obligated to are really amazing" type of thing, as opposed to “people who don’t forgive other people who severely wronged them are bad.” and if I’m wrong and Hawks’s line here is meant to be seen as actual failing on his part, well then fuck that, but we’ll move on

SO NOW, DOWN TO BUSINESS!

I am so, so curious as to what kind of strategy Hawks has for this (if he even has any), so I’ll just be quiet now and read

so Hawks is summing up basically what we already knew -- that Tomura and his inner circle (curious that there’s no mention of AFO, because if Hawks doesn’t know about him, that implies almost no one does) are still on the lam with a few PLF stragglers and some High Ends; that a bunch of prisons have been “liberated” (I assume this means all of the inmates escaped, so if that’s the case then where’s Kurogiri??); that the HPSC is fucked; and that heroes are resigning all over the place, and so civilians are taking matters into their own hands

OH DAMN!?

does this mean we’ll actually see some international heroes?? I will LOSE MY DAMN SHIT omg

(ETA: apparently people who paid more attention to the first BnHA movie than I did recognized the silhouettes as belonging to some background characters from Two Heroes. so maybe they were just cameos and they’re not actually new characters who are soon to join us lol. oh well.)

anyway so Hawks agrees with the other Todorokis that Endeavor has no choice but to fight

awww

DON’T WORRY ENJI THEY’VE GOT YOUR BACK. WITH YOUR FLAMES, AND JEANIST’S PUNS, AND HAWKS’S BOYISHLY GOOD LOOKS, THE THREE OF YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU SET YOUR MINDS TO

so Enji is very pertinently asking why they’re standing by him in spite of the... [gestures vaguely to everything]

oh my lordy lord

Shouto you had better do something to combat this soon, or this man will sneak past you on my favorite character ranking after all. his face. his cheeky lil finger gun. the fact that he sums it up so fucking simply. “if someone is trying to do the right thing, I want to support them.” exactly. exactly

(ETA: and one last thing I love but forgot to mention, which is the fact that Hawks calls it a team-up despite the fact that he is clearly in charge.)

meanwhile Jeanist is all “as for me, at this point I just straight up don’t give a fuck”

I can’t handle how fucking cool this chapter is you guys

so Hawks is all “you good?” at Enji. and Enji...

if anyone needs me, I will be building myself a discourse-proof fort made entirely out of problematic characters. I don’t even care. I will go on living my life very happily in here

lol at Natsu being all “BUT DON’T THINK THIS MAKES US FRIENDS”

I’m living for this weird and no-doubt entirely unintended implication that Natsu and them all are gonna join in the fight with the rest of them. I mean, they do presumably all have very powerful ice quirks. and Natsu has medical training on top of that, and Fuyu is skilled at getting eight-year-olds to behave which could be a useful talent for dealing with Tomura hahaha I kid, but I’M JUST SAYING. who needs hero licenses anyway

OH SHIT FINALLY SOME DISCUSSION OF AN ACTUAL STRATEGY. even if it’s just a PR strategy

WHAKLHL

and now for some reason we’re flashing back to Natsu and Fuyu’s attempts to navigate through the media crowd outside the hospital

well I guess this is why I’m not the mangaka. if I were writing this I would have done something trite and predictable like using that “One for All” line as an excuse to cut to Deku!! as opposed to this entirely unrelated scene!!

seriously though why do we need to see this lol

no one in this crowd has ever heard of Alexander Dumas huh. or even the popular 2007 Disney Channel original movie, High School Musical 2

so now there’s an entire page of Hawks saying they need to know what One for All is, and Endeavor having one of those patented Todoroki WHOOSH realizations lmao look at this

just wait until this man figures out that one of the scrappy new interns he took on three months ago was actually the main character all along

SKDFIOHWIERLKSJGLWLK!!

NOW IS PROBABLY A GOOD TIME TO ASK MYSELF WHY I CHOSE THIS CHARACTER WHO KEEPS DISAPPEARING FOR SIX OR TWELVE OR FORTY CHAPTERS AT A TIME TO BE MY FUCKING FAVORITE. WELCOME BACK SON PLEASE DON’T SCREAM YOURSELF TO DEATH YOU STILL HAVE A HOLE IN YOUR TORSO

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(ETA: can we just take a moment to appreciate how Bakugou even got so close to Deku’s room in the first place though. in this giant hospital with no idea of where to even go. does he have Deku Radar or something.)

YOU SIX ARE OFFICIALLY ON MY HIT LIST!! SPARE ME YOUR GOOD INTENTIONS!! MY BAKUDEKU REUNION KEEPS GETTING POSTPONED WEEK AFTER WEEK!! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE HEROES WHERE IS YOUR CONCEPT OF MERCY

(ETA: btw just to be clear, I’m not actually angry lol; it makes total sense that they don’t want this rampaging feral toddler who was still in his own coma all of fifteen minutes ago to come and start screaming at the other coma child until he tears all his stitches out. if there’s anything we Bakugou fans should be familiar with by now, it’s being patient.)

also, Tsuyu wrapping her tongue around Bakugou’s still-healing torso wound absolutely can’t be hygienic at all. also wait is that Inko??

(ETA: pretty sure it is her. she got all of one line smdh.)

Iida is all “thank god Great Explosion Murder God Dynamight pulled through, I thought for sure he was a goner back there”

for the record this is actually really sweet to see how relieved he is. he’s one of the few people who saw the original injury close up, back when he was still at the battlefield and unconscious, so I imagine it really did freak him out quite a bit

JIROUUUUUU

“sometimes I just like to stand here and tug on my imaginary suspenders, what of it”

how come you guys get to loiter around Deku’s room but Kacchan doesn’t. god fucking dammit. AND WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN

I BET KACCHAN COULD WAKE HIM UP FROM HIS COMA WITH THE POWER OF RIVAL INTENSITY!! BUT NOOOOOOOO, [is dragged away back to my fort]

OH MY GOD!?!

"this seems to be an entirely normal and above-board situation that we have just stumbled onto”

I see Jeanist comes from the Iida Tenya school of respectfully using people’s full names

Jeanist becoming one of the main characters is the best thing to ever happen to this series

EXCUSE YOU, IIDA

BUT I’M SURE HE’D MAKE AN EXCEPTION FOR KACCHAN THOUGH!! [elbowing my way back out of the fort] HAWKS, PLEASE --

DON’T GO ALL OMINIOUSLY PUTTING THE PIECES TOGETHER ALL ON YOUR OWN GODDAMMIT

“there’s absolutely no way this angry wriggling shoulder burrito kid here could answer literally all of my questions, so I’ll just ignore him”

OH MY GOD WE’RE FINALLY CUTTING BACK TO HIM BUT THE CHAPTER IS ENDING

[jumps up, throws a folding chair at Iida and the rest of the gang, and then runs]

oh my god. actually this chapter was awesome. but I’m so fucking mad at this cliffhanger though lol

at least we got a couple of answers! and some hints and teases! poor Deku looks so worn out even though he’s asleep dlwkjl my little green baby. and is it just me or is his quirk activated?? All Might’s all “I can feel it” as if it isn’t obvious just looking at him, why are you trying to be all mysterious dude

anyway! so at least we finally have confirmation and a date for those vestige antics at long last. looking forward to meeting Mister The Fourth next week so we can finally ask him “hey dude, what the fuck”

[damselofblueroses]

Bambi, Prologue

You are my Bambi, girl, I am your candy, tell me what are you waiting for?

Summary: As an archaeologist who works on the Ancient Greece, you were on the verge of excavations' session. While you have been preparing your team, you learned that your institute decided on your team has to work with another team as they wanted the outcome as a collaboration. The head of other team was your biggest rival, a scumbag in your eyes: Byun Baekhyun.

You two were supposed to work together for three months, in a Greek Island, Chios.

Could you manage to not kill Byun Baekhyun for three months?

Content: AU, heavily Greek mythology, enemies to friends.

Warnings: Well, the story contains NSFW/Smut, please minors do not continue.

Note: This story will be four or five chapters if I will not change my mind in the meantime. It is inspired by my major; however, I do not have a complete knowledge on archaeology, I am a historian. If I will make a technical mistake, please let me know. I am willing to receive any kind of feedback; you are more than welcomed to drop a message.

Prologue

The Mid of April, Sejong Institute, the Department of Archaeology

“Could you give me Bulfinch?” you asked to your teammate. “I have to check the layers of the Underworld.”

“Here you go.” Junmyeon gave the thick book to you. While you were searching for the details in your mind, Junmyeon was dealing with the plan of construction.

You have been knowing each other since the last 10 years, working together was nothing but natural as breathing for both of you. Junmyeon was older than you and supposed to be superior to you, however he decided to pursue a career not in the field, but in the library, you became the leader of the archaeological team of Sejong Institute.

“Indy,” Junmyeon called you by your nickname. You automatically lifted your head, your nickname became your Pavlovian weakness, sometimes you forgot your real name. “Be a good girl and pass me the cookie jar.”

You wholeheartedly laughed at his face expression and threw him his favourite chocolate cookie.

“Do you want a cup of coffee?” you asked, stretching your body. “My battery is literally going down; let’s grab an americano.”

“Only if you buy me a carrot cake.”

Junmyeon had a sweet tooth, as he opened the package and swallowed the cookie just without even chewing.

“Okey, big boy.” you smacked his shoulder, standing up. “You are goddamn lucky for having that fast metabolism, you know.”

“My darling girl, I work out in a fucking routine.” he grinned like a 5-year-old boy. You really loved to see his cockiness. “My body ratio is not a heavenly gift; I gain every muscle with tears and blood.”

“What kind of god can reward you, shitty dandy?” you chuckled. “You are a walking blasphemy.”

“Still better than you.” Junmyeon pulled your hair by laughing.

“You are definitely right.” you lolled your tongue out of your mouth. “Come on, move your bloody but peachy butt!”

Actually, you were shy, quiet but quick to make sharp remarks. However, Junmyeon was more than a teammate; he was the closest one to a brother for you, you have been always so relaxed when you were with him. The outcome of your friendship was the freedom of speech, you could be vocal as much as you wanted. Junmyeon was never offended by anything you would say, the same applied also to you. You were his dear sister, your families became friends because of you.

You could not imagine your life without Junmyeon.

“What do you think about the digging session?” you asked to him when you were waiting in the line. Junmyeon was trying to select his dessert, carrot cake was already forgotten.

“Well, you will be the team leader, that is sure thing.” he huffed. “Most probably they will ask you who do you want in your team, and you will not name me if you want to live.”

“You are the last one who I am going to choose when it comes to work in the trenches.” you smirked. “Who wants a cry baby in the field?”

“Oh.” Junmyeon turned you, shooting a dirty look, which only led you to bite your upper lip in order to prevent bursting into laughs. “You need a brain; those muscular tough babies cannot figure even how to use tools out.

“But they do not run away when they see a bug.” you could not help but start to laugh. “Do you r-

“Shut the fuck up.” Junmyeon covered your mouth with his hand. “You are banned to talk about that incident from now on. Ever.”

“But,” you took his hands off you, tears forming in the edges of your eyes due to the memory you remembered. Junmyeon gave you a deadly stare, but you could not help. “You were running over the hill because you came across to a spider in your trench. Didn’t you give up on becoming Indiana in our first digging session?”

“No, I preferred to protect my own dignity.” he shook his head, then he also burst into laughs. “Jesus, I hate spiders and one Indy is enough for the family.”

“At least you learned that X never marks the spot before quitting.” you murmured, then pointed what you want to him. “Blueberry muffin, Jun. It looks yummy.”

“At least you learned that rolling in the dirt is not for the people who has a class.” Junmyeon ordered two americanos, one blueberry muffin and one red velvet cake. “Jokes aside, there are some gossips. Did you hear any of them?”

“Damnit, yes.” you exhaled and pinched the bridge of your nose. “The Executive Board is thinking to build a collaboration between us and Sunkyungwan people.”

“Yeah.” Junmyeon sat down on a chair, helped you to settle yourself. “And if they do, you know who is going to be the other team leader, right?”

“Do not tell me.” you covered your ears with your hands. You knew, you already heard the possible name, however even the possibility was giving you nothing but headache. “That’s why I asked your opinion. If that bastard will be my fucking colleague for Chios, I think I will pass this session”

“Hell, over my dead body.” Junmyeon aggressively grasped his little fork. “I know how much you guys despise each other, but this is your fucking career. Do not even dare to think you can turn your back to an opportunity.”

“But, Ju-

“No.” he was firm as fuck. “If they will give you the excavation of Chios, you will be fucking happy and you will accept their fucking propose. Chios will be the icing of the cake for you, you always want to lead an excavation in the Aegean.”

“You are right.” you knew when the occasion called to not push Junmyeon’s limits. Career came first, the rest is not important was his mentality. “You are right, but I really do not draw myself working with him.”

“Ignore him. You do not have to see him every day, ditch him in the field, goddamn.” Jun chewed a mouthful bite of his cake. “I do not want you to be facing with the Board, standing for no ground. If they will manage to build the connection, Sunkyungwan will appoint Byun Baekhyun as the leader for sure.”

You did not answer his god-fucking-damn-it prediction, but even thinking about it made you want to puke.

You vividly remember Byun Baekhyun, a fucking tease, and a smartass, from your bachelor years. You were not the type of people who could easily hate someone, but you hated Byun Baekhyun since the first day you met. He was a cockhead and dandy, he was a real scumbag, always so full of himself, underestimating everyone and their abilities, thinking he was the star of the universe. To your dismay, both of you were accepted from same university for your master and you had to endure his presence till he accepted the offer of Sunkyungwan.

You never tell this to Junmyeon, hell, he would not spend even a second to kill you if he would learn this, but you turned the offer of Sunkyungwan just because of Byun Baekhyun’s acceptance.

You hated him to the bits.

And you really did not know what the heck you were going to do if Sejong’s Executive Board was going to approve the collaboration. You looked at Junmyeon, he certainly was not going to let you to turn the offer down, and this time you could not hide the fact from him.

You grunted inside of your brain.

The Beginning of May, Sunkyungwan, the Department of Archaeology

Byun Baekhyun was happy.

More than happy till now.

He just stormed into his room, trying to register the news.

You? Were you really going to be his fucking colleague for fucking three months?!

He remembered you very well, and he was %100 sure of there was no person in this universe, he despised more than you. He even could not endure to share same atmosphere with you. He always wanted to fuck your attitudes out of you since he met you.

And was he really going to see your fucking face for three months, in an island?!

It had to be a bloody joke. A bloody plot on Baekhyun.

“I said,” he screamed when he heard his door was opened. “I do not want to see anyone!”

“Even an old friend?” a kind voice asked, Baekhyun immediately turned to the door.

Junmyeon was there, smiling to him. Baekhyun was startled, he was definitely caught off guard.

“Hyung?” he murmured. “Junmyeon Hyung?”

“Yeah.” Junmyeon’s smile widened. “May I come or not?”

“JUNMYEON HYUNG!” Baekhyun forgot you for a second and threw himself onto Junmyeon. He loved Junmyeon very much, enough to forgive his close relationship with you. “Welcome!”

Junmyeon smiled and hugged to Baekhyun but averted his eyes from him.

There was a plan in Junmyeon’s mind since years, and he had the chance of making it true after the news of collaboration. He averted his eyes also from you because he did not want anyone to understand his real intentions about you and Baekhyun.

Junmyeon smiled to Baekhyun.