#Remus is an evil genius

[hearts4dorlene]

Sirius: And how are you little baby brother Reggie?

Regulus: You're so embarrassing literally stop

James: You literally sign yourself as R.A.B, you have no right to talk about embarrassing

Sirius: How do you know how he signs?

Remus: Definitely not because they send each other love letters every other day

Regulus: Well! I think I better be off now

Sirius: Wait wait WAIT-

[prosepoetryanddrama]

Sirius Black Faces the Woes of a High School Crush (part 4 - Finale)

If you had told Sirius Black that he would be getting, Lily Evans, of all people, to be his wing-woman to entrap her best friend, he would have probably believed you, because when did he ever have a normal day?

“Remember,” Lily said, “Don’t you dare tell Remus that I helped.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, “I don’t understand why this needs to be secret, Evans?”

“Because,” Lily hissed, “Remus doesn’t like it when I interfere with his love life.” Sirius sparkled down his flame of jealousy as he thought of Remus's love life.

“But,” Lily continued, “you’re obviously lacking the grit to just ask him, so,” she spread her arms out wide, “here we are.”

Sirius had no response to that, so he simply made a noncommittal noise, turning his nose up at her.

The two of them had concocted a plan to finally get Sirius and Remus alone. Despite Sirius's suspicion at Lily deciding to help him, and later a slight hope, Lily would not tell him anything about how Remus felt about him, although the fact she was trying to bring them together, send a slight, wonderful excitement in his chest. 

Well, actually more like a humongous, destroying tsunami of feeling, but that was not rather here nor there.

The plan of genius that the two teenagers had concocted was as following.

They would have to lure Remus out, who, if left to his own devices, would stay in his shell forever. Lily, Remus’s best friend and therefore, Sirius had to grudgingly admit, the person who knew him best, thought instead of carefully, slowly, secretly wooing Remus, Remus instead needed a push in Sirius’s direction.

Sirius wasn’t too sure why Lily was helping him in the first place but decided to take just take it for what it was. Perhaps, it was out of a notion to help her friend find love.

The plan itself was truly.. not that good. It was rather hideous, as his mother would say. The fact that she was Sirius’s inner voice was something he decididly did not ponder. 

The plan once again involved Peter Pettrigrew, who at this point, Sirius was beginning to think of as something of a henchman. 

Tomorrow, after school, Peter would, again only agreeing by Sirius emptying his pockets, rush over to whatever corner Remus had sequestered himself into, nose deep in a book, and tell him that there was an issue with some unnamed prom preparation issue. 

Remus, forever the golden boy prefect, would rush up confused and follow Peter faithfully. Peter would lead Remus back to that haunted closet, and well, push him in, then proceed to lock the door. Only Sirius, would be waiting on the inside. 

Sirius too, would pretend to be just as confused as Remus, proclaiming that he too had been lured inside by Pettrigrew. They would bang on the door, yelling for help, but by this time, everyone would have left, leaving it dead silent. Here, Sirius had instructed Peter to let out an evil cackle for dramatic effect. 

Remus would then slump back defeated in the dark closet, resigning himself to a night stuck, like a helpless damsel. After comforting Remus with a few dozen gentle embraces, and perhaps even laying his head on Remus’s mess of golden locks, Sirius would proclaim that he knew, through his knowledge of doors as a very manly man, how to get it open with a bit of tinkering. 

Sirius would then, pretend obviously, he hadn’t done manual labour once in his life, to mess around with the lock. Here, Pettigrew, waiting faithfully and quietly, would unlock the door, and scram. Sirius would yell triumphantly that he, through his prowess and genius mind, had gotten the door unlocked, and saved Remus from a hungry, cold, night stuck in a closet.

Remus would jump up in glee, proclaiming Sirius to be his hero. Sirius would then, this time alone, take Remus to the cafe across the scream, protesting that Remus would be starving and needed a bite and a tea. 

Here, would be the right moment, once Remus was fed and warm, drowning in those large wool sweaters. Sirius would gently grab Remus’s hand from where they were squished together in a booth, and tell him how wonderful and lovely he was, and of course, ask him to the prom. After Sirius’s rescue of him and tender help, there was no way Remus would say no. 

These events would obviously, instantly make Remus say yes to Sirius, who presented himself as heroic, dependable, and kind.

If necessary, Sirius was sure, with a bit more cash, could convince Peter to allow himself to be beat up by Sirius for his evil plan, which of course, Peter would make up some diabolical reason when questioned.

With an opening, Sirius would spend the weeks up to prom, now gently wooing Remus, carrying his books for him, brushing his hands against his, and finally, making him that Chamomile tea. By the time prom came around, Remus too, would be madly in love with Sirius. 

It was perfect and absolutely nothing would go wrong.

In their seventeen year old minds at least.

____

“This is the stupidest thing I’ve literally ever heard,” James snorted. 

They were sprayed out on the floor of James bedroom, James absentmindedly throwing a ball up and catching it again and again, Sirius simply staring at the ceiling and pining. 

Sirius huffed, pushing a dark lock of hair out of his face, “Don’t be crass. It’s going to work.” 

“Yeah, maybe, “ James relented, clearly not believing his words. He continued, “I just, I dunno, I don’t understand why you don’t literally just go up to him and tell him you like him? Don’t get me wrong, it pains me to pay you a compliment, but you’re Sirius Black. You’re-“ he cut off, and readjusted his glasses, “You’re pretty great.”

“Remus is pretty great too,” Sirius simply responded in return. 

“I-, I just really want him to say yes, “ Sirius admitted quietly in the silent room, after a moment of pause. “I really like him James, like truly.”

He coughed, uncomfortable with the display of emotions,  the stoic Walburga Black once again, his inner voice.

“Like seriously?” James parroted at him.

“Like seriously,” Sirius responded with a roll of his eyes, but there was a small smiling threatening to break.

James rose himself up on his elbows and turned his head to look at Sirius. There was something soft in James’s , his best friend, his brother’s, gaze. He reached out his hand and flopped the lock of hair back over Sirius’s eyes.

“Well, it’s still stupid, but I hope it works Black, you deserve to be happy.”

He continued, “If not for you, then for me. I can’t listen to you mope a moment longer.”

The moment broken, Sirius growled, and tackled James in a flash of an eye.

As James cackled, Sirius thought to himself, “It will work.”

________

The next day, Sirius impatiently shook his leg, blowing out a breath, as he sat on the floor of the dimly lit closet, waiting for step one. It already felt like it had been too long since the end of the day bell had rung. Had Remus left before Peter had accosted him? Realistically, Sirius knew that Remus almost always stayed after school to read or study, but nerves left him feeling bereft. 

Sirius would pummel Peter’s face in if he messed this up.

He glanced at the corner where the banner, now hung up on Hogwarts main gates, normally lay folded neatly. He snorted, ripping up a banner? How plebeian that was of him. It wasn’t his fault that every time he thought of boy that was Remus Lupin, a few brain cells danced away.

Sirius stilled as he heard footsteps in the distance. Peter’s squeaky voice rang out in the silent hall, getting louder, “Yeah! Just right over here Remus. I’ll show you.” 

The footsteps stopped in front of the door and Sirius froze, even though they couldn't see him. 

Remus’s voice rang out, “What’s the problem? Did something break again?”

“Uh ya, something like that,” Peter’s voice cracked.

“Uh-“ Remus replied, before there was a crash. 

The door tumbled open, and Peter grabbed Remus’s arm, which today was clad in a maroon cardigan, and pushed him harshly into the doorframe. Remus stumbled slightly before, as Sirius watched in horror, regained his balance. 

He turned his head towards Peter, amber eyes flashing, “What the hell man!” 

Peter responded by once again shoving at Remus’s shoulder, whimpering slightly when Remus didn’t shift. It seemed that Remus was hiding some strength under the lithe shoulders and knit.

Peter put his hands in front of his face when Remus took an angry stomp in his direction, “Please no! Don’t beat me up. I didn’t get paid enough for this!” 

Remus paused, head turning, in a rather precious way, in confusion. “Huh? What the hell, Peter! What do you mean, paid?”

Peter removed his hands from his face, and the rat, the dirty, traitorous rat, pointed at Sirius, who Remus had not yet noticed, and yelled, “Paid! He paid me to do this! To lock you inside.”

“Getting me to tear the banner was one thing, but this is too much!” With that final statement, Peter turned tail and fled. 

Remus, ever so slowly, walked forward, so he stood in the doorframe, blocking out the light of the hallway behind him, making him look like an angel with a halo. 

Sirius coughed uncomfortably. “I can explain.”

Remus let out a laugh, from pure confusion more than anything else. “You paid! You paid to have me locked in a closet?!”

His eyes were frustrated and angry, “and the banner. You ripped the banner!? That took work to fix. What the fuck Black?” 

“Technically,” Sirius interrupted, still laying on the floor, weirdly calm for some reason as his brain spinned on how to fix this “Peter ripped the banner.”

“What the hell?” Remus simply repeated before huffing, “actually don’t answer that. I honestly don’t want to know.”

He turned away, stomping in the other direction.

This woke Sirius up from whatever trance he was in and he jumped up, scrambling after Remus. 

“Remus! No, wait please!”

Despite the boy’s fast pace, Sirius, honed from years on the field, caught up with him easily. He placed a hand on Remus’s arm to still him and Remus flicked him off. 

Sirius looked down at him, just slightly, imploringly and softened his voice from the panicked yell, “Please Remus. I know how this looks but, please, let me explain. Just give me five minutes.”

Remus huffed, blowing out a breath, before nodding stiffly. He pressed his back to the hallway wall and slid down. 

“You better have a hell of an explanation, Black.”

Sirius followed suit, slumping down beside Remus, their shoulders, Sirius’s broader, pressing against each other. 

He looked down at his lap and clasped his hands together wondering just exactly how many brain cells had been lost. The sheer enormity and oddness of what he had just done hit him. 

“Well?” Remus’s voice came from beside him. 

Sirius grit his teeth as began his explanation. He figured honesty was the best policy at this point.

“I like you Remus, a lot,” he spoke into the empty hallway, “like a lot. That's why I joined student council in the first place, because I wanted an excuse to be with you, to be around you, to talk to you….to perhaps have you also wish to talk to me. This was a-“ he snorted, "plan to get you to-" he felt the blush working its way up his neck. “perhaps like me too.”

“How exactly?” Remus’s was no longer angry but just plain confused, but when Sirius looked over at him, he found that a slight flush had taken over his cheeks as well.

“I was gonna be your knight in whatever, I was going to rescue you from-“

“From the evil closet?” Remus hummed. He pulled out his phone from the pocket of his uniform, “Why would I not just call someone to help?”

“Yeah I hadn't really thought of that. I promise I’m actually smart. Normally at least, I’m top of the class.”

“But you did think of getting me forcefully pushed into a closet,” a tinge of something like amusement had entered Remus’s voice.

 Sirius groaned loudly, “Sorry about that. I really, I really weirdly, thought it would actually work”

“Maybe if we were in a rom-com?” Remus offered.

Any reservations Sirius had were gone. There was really nothing he could do to make the situation any worse. He drew on his confidence from the few times he had seen Remus staring at him in the past or giving him a smile. “I wanted to ask you to prom, that’s why I did this. That feels pretty rom-com to me”

He felt Remus’s gaze on his face, hot and heavy and inquiring, but Sirius didn’t budge.

Without looking over, he moved his hand from his lap and tenderly grabbed Remus’s wrist. When he didn’t resist, Sirius lightly pulled it into his lap. He finally looked over, and found Remus’s eyes, swimming with confusion, amusement and something else, something deeper, still on his face.

“Why didn’t you just ask me straight up?” Remus said softly. 

Sirius fixed his gaze on Remus’s plump lips, and sighed, “because I was scared you would say no.”

Remus, his hand still in Sirius’s lap, moved it so his fingers gently interlocked with Sirius’s. Sirius felt his heart patter in his chest.

Sirius looked back up at Remus’s eyes and found that, once again, his eyes were focused somewhere below his eyes. 

“I’m still not over how insane this was, but...what if I said yes?” Remus said softly, and Sirius felt like he couldn’t breathe. 

“Then I’d be the luckiest person to ever walk this planet,” he breathed out. 

Remus leaned forward slightly, his hair brushing Sirius’s forehead. Sirius felt in a trance as Remus glanced at him through sparking eyes and thick lashes. 

Remus moved closer, and so did Sirius. When their lips met, Sirius felt a roaring in his head. He, through endless self control, pulled back after a few seconds. 

He looked at Remus, heart in his throat. “I assume that’s a yes.” 

Remus giggled, and Sirius took that as an invitation to finally, finally, lean down and kiss that mole on his neck.

___

A few weeks later as Sirius, in his finest suit, swayed gently on the confetti covered gymnasium, turned dance floor, with Remus in his arms, his head on Sirius’s shoulder, he truly did feel like the luckiest person to ever walk the earth. 

___

And it's done! This was quite fun to write. If anyone is interested in another part of just fluff or scenes from their relationship or prom, leave a comment letting me know!

@dumbass-gryffindor1960

[deerislable]

hello! it's me again. your fic with remus is absolutely magical. i have another request 💫

what about muggleborn reader and one of the marauders studying together in a library and some spells are hard for reader to cast, so they get sad and start to think something like "maybe people are right. maybe muggleborns are really not made for magic" and the boy tries to cheer them up?? ( i wanted to request it with remus again, because i absolutely adore him, but you can choose yourself who it's going to be xD )

Hi Love! Thankyou! and thankyou for the request again <3

Remus is also my favourite so i just had to write about him! plus hes such a sweetheart how could i not! :)

Warnings: None? Maybe self deprecating words/thoughts?

A sound of annoyance slipped past your lips as the wave of your wand and mutter of a spell left you devoid of a result. You had been waving your wand and trying to cast the Orchideous spell for the past hour or so, it being a part of your assignment for tomorrow; to learn and perfect a random spell and what was more random than being able to conjure a bouquet of flowers? You thought it would be easy, but clearly it was turning out to be deceptively difficult. While you struggled not so silently in the almost vacant library, Remus was sitting at a desk casually reading. Though he never once complained about your constant unsuccessful attempts of the spell, you swore you saw his eyes flick to you more than once, but Remus was too nice to actually interfere and tell you how it's done. You knew that he knew how to do the spell but you were too stubborn to ask for help and Remus knew this, plus, he wanted you to figure it out for yourself.

“Maybe say it with more.. Meaning” Remus spoke up for the first time in a while and you immediately turned and shot him an evil glare, he quickly put his attention back to his book, not wanting to get on your bad side when you were so clearly frustrated “don't tell me how to do it, Remus.. Ill figure it out” you seethed with obstinate determination, having no thoughts of surrendering to the difficulty. Even if it was tough.

You went on like this for twenty more minutes, or maybe longer, moving between sitting and standing to see if comfortability played a factor in being able to summon the flowers. As you grew more and more irritated with the spell, the more distressed and irked you got, and that didn't help with executing the spell, as it seemed as though the magic wasn’t cooperating with your annoyed mood. You groaned again, running a hand through your hair angrily and with the silence that followed you were able to hear Remus shut his book; you ignored him. “If it helps, i know James definitely hasn’t even tried to find a spell to do yet” Remus tried to lift the dull atmosphere, leaning against the bookshelf, but you still didn’t look at him “No. It doesnt help. Because even if he attempted to do one he’d probably get it first try” an exasperated sigh huffed past your lips and you swallowed thickly. “Love-” Remus started, though you didn’t let him finish.

“Maybe- maybe it's because I'm a muggleborn- maybe muggleborns are not proper witches and wizards” you scowled, tossing your wand somewhere else, not wanting to look at the thing, nor Remus for that matter, not when you felt so vulnerable. “Hey, hey” Remus started, quickly coming over and grabbing your elbow, turning you towards him “don't say that. Your magic has nothing to do with being a muggleborn- if anything, it means you’re more powerful.. Since you didn’t need your parents to have magic for you to have it..” you looked up at him, eyes slightly teary, the situation seemed to be overwhelming you and now you were at your breaking point. Even if Remus annoyed you with how much of a genius he was, you were glad he stayed with you “Your magic is in here” Remus brought his hand to your chest, against your heart and you dipped your gaze shyly “but-” you started and Remus shook his head, redirecting your gaze by tilting your chin up “No buts, dove.. Spells are hard.. And it doesn't make you any less of a witch if you struggle with one of them..” 

You couldn’t help but smile at him a little, even as a stray tear ran down your cheek, Remus was quick to catch it with his thumb, wiping it away and cupping your face “C’mon, i’ll help you, yeah? How does that sound?” he smiled back at you and you nodded, ignoring any thoughts from before about needing to do the spell on your own,  “Good” he mumbled, going over to grab your wand that you threw and handing it back to you, taking it reluctantly.

“Now- wave your wand like this” Remus demonstrated with his own and you copied, “Atta girl, you already have the hang of it” he praised and your cheeks warmed from such a simple phrase. 

[lexithwrites]

usually im all for the 'sirius tries to kill james after he finds out about him and his brother' trope but lowkey,,,how cute would it be if sirius was all for it? constantly shoving james towards regulus when they're in a room, or making fun of reggie for having a crush on his best friend but also telling him every single thing that james loves to help him out for presents and dates, or sirius asking them all to meet up just to cancel last minute so its just the two of them and then giggling to remus like he's an evil genius by setting the two of them up

[t1oui]

pranksters: a microfic about how the marauders met the rosier twins :)

James Potter doesn’t really care what house he ends up in. His Dad was in Gryffindor, yes, but his Mum was in Slytherin. 

“Never judge someone for their house,” his Mum was always telling him. “Judge them for their character.”

On the train, James meets three boys named Sirius, Remus, and Peter. He already knows Sirius — or knows of him, at least. Sirius is a member of the Black family, and everybody knows them.

“What houses do you all want to be in?” Peter, a small, roundish boy with sandy blonde hair and pale blue eyes asks. “I like the sounds of Hufflepuff and Gryffindor.”

“Don’t care,” Remus shrugs. He’s a lanky guy with brown hair and scars all over his face. James knows it’s rude to point them out, so he doesn’t, but he really wants to tell Remus how cool they are. He bets Remus already knows. It’s the only thing keeping him quiet. 

“Practically my whole bloodline’s in Slytherin,” Sirius says. “But practically my whole bloodline is evil, so I guess that makes sense.”

James makes a face. “Slytherins aren’t evil,” he says. “My Mum was one. She’s very nice.”

Sirius thinks about this for a moment before he nods and shrugs and says he just doesn’t think he’d do very well in Slytherin is all. They drop the subject there.

As it turns out, all four of them are Gryffindors. James finds his friend, Mary — also a Gryffindor — and sees that she’s made a few friends of her own. 

“There were some others, too,” she tells him. “Evan and Pandora Rosier. Twins. They got sorted into Slytherin.” She nods to them across the Hall. They’re around the same height with dark skin and blonde hair, though the girl’s is more white-blonde than honey blonde like the boy’s. Two of her new friends, though, are Gryffindors named Lily and Marlene.

Marlene has choppy black hair and dark eyes and lots of freckles and a loud voice. She also has a big grin. James can relate. 

Lily, though. She’s got straight red hair and bright, bright green eyes and millions of orange freckles and she might just be the prettiest girl James has ever seen. He decides right away that he loves her. 

“No way,” Lily says the first (and last) time he asks her out. “First of all, we’re eleven. Who dates at eleven? Second of all” — she holds up two fingers — “I like girls. Sounds like you’re out of luck.”

Except he’s not. Because then, they become the best of friends. 

Marlene is the only one of the group who not only shares James’s love of quidditch, but also his skill for it. Even though the school brooms are terrible, she and James ride them around the pitch whenever they can. Sometimes Mary and Sirius come to cheer them on, leaving Lily, Remus, and Peter sitting off to the side with a pile of textbooks and bored looks on their faces. Even if they’re alone, they still manage to have a good time. 

The first time James gets a good look at the Rosier twins is after curfew. 

See, he, Sirius, Peter, and Remus turn out to be quite good at pranks. They started small, just a way to cheer Remus up since he gets ill so often. But it turns out Remus is also sort of a genius when it comes to pranks, so tonight, they’re heading for the Restricted Section of the library. Remus swears he has a plan to get them in.

They don’t expect anyone other than the grumpy caretaker, Filch, to be walking around, so when they hear footsteps, they dive into an alcove and pull James’s Invisibility Cloak over them. It’s quite large, and they’re quite small, but there’s still four of them, and Remus’s elbow is in James’s gut, and Sirius has managed to get his hair in all of their mouths. Needless to say, it’s quite uncomfortable. And it’s also completely unnecessary. 

The Rosier twins turn the corner, Evan holding a Lumos up in front of them. 

“That’s not Filch,” Sirius says, accidentally saying it loud enough for the twins to hear them. Remus elbows him in the ribs, Sirius yelps, and Peter hastily throws the Cloak off of them before Evan and Pandora can run away. 

“Sorry,” Peter says. “We thought you were a teacher.”

“Right,” Evan says. He narrows his eyes at them. Both he and Pandora have amber-colored eyes that’re almost gold in the moonlight. It’s a bit unsettling. “Where are you all going?”

They all glance at Remus, who thinks for a moment before nodding to James.

“Library,” James says. He figures he got chosen to speak since, generally, he and Peter are the most friendly looking. “We’re trying to get into the Restricted Section.”

Evan’s eyes widen, and Pandora’s face lights up. “Us too!” she says, and she hops over and extends a hand to help James and Remus up. Grudgingly, Evan helps Peter and Sirius. 

“Let’s go together,” Pandora says, still sounding overly excited. “The more the merrier!”

Evan does not appear to agree, and neither does Remus, but neither of them argue with the logic, especially when James takes Pandora’s arm and agrees, “Six is far better than four and two.”

He and Pandora lead the group, and James spends the whole walk thinking of his two new friends. There’s no doubt about it: this is gonna be a great year. 

[sommerregenjuniluft]

~Old Dogs <3

for @krethes, @plecotusauritus, @kaaaaaaarf

The year is 2013, it’s October and Remus is one cranky old man. (He’s 53.)

It’s icy cold in the mornings already, as it tends to be in the south-western English countryside and especially at this time of the year.

Their bed is toasty warm and loaded with feathery pillows to support Remus’ stiff and creaky body as good as possible but his husband is a restless little ball of ideas and insane genius and he’s also an insatiable little brat so that’s why-

“Moons,” whispered on a breathy little snicker, much too boyish for a man in his mid fifties and the mattress dips beneath his weight. Carefully straddling Remus where he’s laying on his stomach, face smushed into two pillows and fuzzy blanket pulled up to his chin and Sirius leaning down, eloping him with his body. There’s long curls tickling Remus’ nostril and he smells of outside air and the thick sherpa collar lumberjack he wears out in his tinkering shed. Which is really more of a good-sized barn, at this point.

He grunts, a vague grumbling noise and Sirius snickers again and then there’s warm lips on Remus’ stubbled, bony cheek which is much too lovely for the early hour and can only mean that his husband wants something.

Remus balls his fist more tightly in the soft material of the blanket.

Sirius, of course, quick as ever, notices and gives another rumbling laugh. Something that vibrates through his chest, past his ribs and seeps into Remus’ spine in an instant.

Warmth pooling in the middle of his chest that works better than any radiator or heating charm in the world. And that’s dangerous because Remus melts a bit then. Turns a little gooey and blurry around the edges. He doesn’t get butterflies anymore, in that cliché sense, after the amount of years, but he gets this.

This ball of everything warm and light in his chest that’s so strong it presses against the inside of his sternum and makes Remus feel close to bursting some days. With how bone deep happy he is.

And Sirius giggles, shakes the bed a bit, because he’s evil and he knows and also knows that he’s got Remus all wrapped around his finger like that, like he’s old chewing gum, stretched thin and no backbone and that it won’t take much more.

But his husband is also fucking lovely and the best man Remus knows and so Sirius kisses his cheek again.

Stubble catching on beard and it’s raspy and it makes Remus’ lips twitch into a smile, eyes still closed and then it’s a little sing-song of, “Mooo-nyy,” and teeth nipping at Remus ear lobe.

And Remus has learned over the last decade to indulge his dramatic side a bit, now that the present sorrows of his life consist of having forgotten milk at the store again and their radishes not taking fruit in their own garden behind the house, so he draws his eyebrows together and grumbles. Wiggles the slightest bit under Sirius’ comfortable weight as if attempting to throw him off, to make his husband leave him alone and to his slumbers.

Sirius laughs above him, sees right through him, of course, as Remus knew he would. His husband laughs and it’s boyish and childish and with the rasp of 54 year old because Sirius adores him, and Remus loves him.

And then Sirius sucks in a breath and stretches closer, humid breath puffing against the shell of Remus’ ear and it’s a soft melody of, “You, you-you are,” and Remus groans before his husband is even done.

Squints his eyes open and glares over his shoulder to come face to face with Sirius singing around a playfully tantalizing smile, expression coy and nearly ruined by how hard he’s trying not to laugh.

Rosy lips framed by dark, coarse hair and his silver eyes crinkling. Laugh lines, permanently etched into his skin and it’s the most handsome thing about Sirius in his fifties. Or maybe it’s the single white streak in his hair, and Remus doesn’t even want to start listing things because that’ll turn into a long morning.

Instead he presses his lips together and gives Sirius a look, who has now moved onto a little shoulder shimmy, jostling Remus and continuing to parrot the princess of pop, “You, you-you are,” sharp eyes flying wide open and fixing Remus, lopsided smirk and glinting canines, “Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer,” abruptly sitting back on his haunches and bursting out the air drums.

The single laugh tumbles out of Remus’ involuntarily but Sirius winks, pleased with himself and extracts himself to continue dancing around in their bedroom as Remus slowly sits up.

He wiggles his toes and cracks his back, stretches his arms to the ceiling and groans a bit. Still hears Sirius chirping the lyrics from where he’s disappeared into their en-suite bathroom, heavy shoes tipping and tapping away—he’s left his dirty boots on.

That alone is almost enough for Remus to spring up out of bed (read: stand up slowly but walk briskly) to snatch his husband up and show him what he thinks of Sirius trudging dirt into their bedroom.

But before Remus can even make the decision Sirius comes back into the room with Remus’ toothbrush in hand, a dollop of toothpaste on it.

Drapes himself against the doorframe dramatically, the back of one hand at his forehead, “You- you got me going,” throwing his hips out and pressing off the wall, stalking closer, “You- you’re oh so charming,” biting his lip for enunciation.

Remus rolls his eyes with a smile and then there’s a grip on his jaw, Sirius plopping down on the mattress next to him, seductive expression turning faux disapproving, “You- But I can’t do it.”

Shoving the toothbrush into Remus’ mouth and whirling up and away. Remus starts brushing dutifully, and Sirius turns around himself two times before taking a stance, fixing Remus with his stare again, and spitting venomously, “Womanizer.”

Sirius dances through the rest of the refrain and Remus watches unperturbed until he almost drops some of the toothpaste onto the sheets. Sucks the foam back up and tilts his neck back, going to stand up.

He pads over to the bathroom, Sirius hot on his trail.

Fingers slipped under Remus’ sleep shirt and squeezing reprimandingly, “You- you say I’m crazy.”

Remus bends down to spit some of the toothpaste into the sink, letting Sirius rove his calloused fingers up his scarred back. “You- I got your crazy,” snapping his teeth and digging his blunt nails into Remus’ shoulder blades and Remus smiles around the minty foam.

“You-” Sirius’ chin hooked over Remus’ shoulder, “You’re nothing but a,” growling into his ear, “Womanizer.”

“Daddy-O,” Remus turns, fast, and plants a big, foamy smooch on Sirius’ half open mouth.

They erupt into a bit of a tousle then, but eventually a few more minty but distinctly less foamy kisses are shared where Remus is leaning against the sink with Sirius standing between his legs, fingers playing with the little curls at Remus’ nape.

Sirius grins up at him when Remus hums the refrain again under his breath, Cheshire cat, pleased as a Kneazle, “Gets you every time.”

Remus rolls his eyes, knocks their skulls together, “It’s a classic.”

“It’s only been 5 years!”

“Mark my words though,” Remus raises and eyebrow and now it’s Sirius rolling his eyes.

He looks criminally gorgeous doing it so Remus kisses him again.

Pulls him closer around the waist and lets a hand slip down to grab at his ass. There’s no urgency behind it, just the desire to feel, to have him atomically under his palms and to hold him close.

A press of warm lips and then Sirius groans happily when Remus nudges at his seam with the tip of his tongue. It’s languid and slow and it has Remus’ chest close go bursting again when they separate with a wet little smacking noise.

Remus licks at the saliva on his lips and nudges their noses together, “So tell me why I was rudely awoken in the early hours of the day and with toothpaste instead of coffee no less.”

Sirius’ eyebrows fly up and his body goes back to rigid and energized, strung tight with creativity and Remus would mourn the way his pliant body had slotted against his own if he didn’t love the way Sirius’ face lights up to much. “Oh, I need some picture frames!”

“Mm,” Remus makes, levels him with another look, “And that wouldn’t have waited another hour or two?”

Sirius shakes his head, grinning, “No can do, Mister Moons.”

“Of course.”

And then Sirius leans close again, eyes lidded and something stirs in Remus gut the tiniest bit. And Sirius voice matches the look so Remus almost doesn’t catch what he says then.

But he does, because what comes out of his lovely husband’s mouth is equally as alluring as the promise of sex, “Y’know that antique shop that’s right next to the old lady’s stand that sells those hot chocolate rum mulled wine creations you’re so crazy about?”

Remus does know that one and he’s already halfway out the bathroom, boney fingers clasped with Sirius ones before he’s done speaking, a merry rumble of laughter spilling from his husband that’s the best kind of music to Remus’ ears as he gets tugged along.

[valentinetypewriter]

The Lion And The Snake - Chapter One

Summary: the Black siblings and the Marauders hate each other, and nothing and no one will ever change that, well at least that's what they think

Main Masterlist // marauders era masterlist

Notes: I'm changing the Yule ball to be an annual thing and not a triwizard tournament thing. Also I'm not entirely fluent in French so I'll be using google translate, so I apologise if anything is incorrect. And lastly I'm adding in just a random oc that will become more important later on - let me know your guys thoughts on this fic in the comments

Warnings: bullying, fighting, mean Marauders, slytherin Sirius, badly translated French

Word count: 1,944

The problem with Gryffindors in general was that if you weren't in their house they didn't seem to think you were worth their time, they were all so self assured and confident in a sort of 'I'm better than everyone else' sort of way, and even the Slytherins got along with the other two houses better than Gryffindor. The worst of them though was the infamous Marauders, a trio of rowdy (and incredibly annoying) Gryffindors. James Potter, Peter Pettigrew and Remus Lupin, everyone in school knew of them, even the ones who couldn't care less, though it was for all the worst reasons. The three were always pulling off cruel and idiotic pranks on other students, their preferred targets being pureblood slytherins. They were nothing more than over the top bullies who had no sense of boundaries, even within their own house.

Though the Marauders, and most gryffindors, often thought the problem was with Slytherin. They were after all the evil house, nothing more than obsessive purebloods who would marry a cousin before even thinking of marrying a half-blood, well that's what they thought of them anyway. Their favourite targets were a set of twins in 5th year, a year younger than them and quiet too, not many friends to talk to about being bullied either. Their targets were none other than Regulus Arcturus Black and Y/n Vulpecula Black, who tended to stick to themselves, which meant that the only friends they had were the friends of their older brother. Though Sirius nor his friends had any problem with the two kids hanging around them, especially if it meant they wouldn't be targeted by older Gryffindor students.

Unfortunately today was not a lucky day for the twins, as they were on their way to their Divination classroom a loud and obnoxious voice rang out from the end of the hallway "well if it isn't my favourite little twins" the two sped up before even looking behind them, the only thing they didn't account for was the much taller and intimidating boy who was waiting around the corner at the other end for them to approach. "What's the rush" large hands rested on their shoulders, the two stayed quiet glaring up at the boy. "Oh thanks for catching these two moony!" The short blond haired boy said with too much joy for someone so terrible. Regulus was the first to speak up "what the hell do you three want" his voice was harsh and clearly irritated "well little spitfire is that anyway to talk to upperclassmen, and to think we were going to be nice to you today" James slung his arms around them, squeezing himself uncomfortably close in-between the two kids "yeah sure, we totally believe that" the young boy bit back, shoving James's arm off himself. "You know what lads, I think we should teach these little punks how to respect their elders" Remus said, shoving the twins back around the corner. "You know moony I was thinking the exact same thing" Peter piped in, opening a closet door behind him. Of course James quickly caught on "wormtail, moony you two are genius" the brunette quickly shoved the two into the closet before casting a locking spell they wouldn't be learning until next year. The young girl was quick to bash on the door "let us out you dicks!" The tall scarred boy moved closer to the door "oh sorry little vixen, you two had your chance, we have to teach you some manners that your parents clearly aren't" she could hear the three boys laugh with each other before their voices faded out as they walked off. The young girl let off one last kick to the door before looking towards her brother "how are we supposed to get out?" She sounded defeated. Regulus was quick to move around the room, shoving things away to make space on a shelf. He grabbed a piece of parchment and his quill from his bag, he quickly wrote onto the paper before casting an enchantment on it and slid it under the door "I sent a letter to Sirius and I added a small map that'd lead him to us".

The twins sat down together, talking mindlessly about classes before ending up on the topic of who'd they take to the Yule ball "I don't think I'll actually go this time" the girls brother looked up at her "but Y/n you didn't go last year either" she just shrugged "I just don't have anyone to ask, and no one asked me last year, I doubt it'd be different" the boys shook his head "Evan seems to have taken a shine to you, I think he might ask you" Y/n let out a dry laugh "I highly doubt that Reggie, I'm sure he'd ask Barty before me" the boy was cut off before he could respond by the door slamming open. Outside stood their older brother, slightly out of breath and his curly hair a mess "are you two alright, they didn't hurt you did they, je vais les tuer" the two shook their heads "no we're fine Siri" y/n said, walking past her older brother to exit the closet "right well I'll get you two to class safely". The walk to their classroom was quick and Sirius was even quicker to try and walk off before being stopped by Regulus "oh and Sirius, try to not beat anyone up this time" he had a wolfish grin on his face that screamed trouble "I promise I won't personally lay a hand on them".

Divinations went by quickly, as did most of Y/n's classes, and lunch quickly came around. She was walking from charms class, one she happened to not share with her brother, to the great hall. On her way there she saw a few students running around her, all heading towards the courtyard, yelling about some kind of fight. At first Y/n thought it was just another duel between two students, that was until she got closer and heard the violent sounds of skin hitting skin. She pushed through the crowd hoping her worried thoughts wouldn't be true, unfortunately they were very true. Fighting in the middle of the courtyard stood none other than the Marauders fighting with Sirius and his Friends, Barty, Evan and another pureblood slytherin girl he was close with, Sabrina Sallow. Well it was more Sirius watching his friends beat up the Marauders then anything, he stood there, leant up against a tree with a bright grin on his face "you know I would give nothing more then to bash your heads in for what you three did, unfortunately though I made a promise not to lay a hand on any of you". Y/n could at least give him that, the thing about Sirius is that he always kept his word, he also always found a way around the things he'd promise. The fight was pretty brutal to Y/n, the fights she was used to were sanctioned duels, not something so muggle like. She had seen them all do horrible stuff that'd bruise or scar, they scratched and punched and pulled on hair, Y/n was even sure she had seen Barty bite Peter on the hand. It carried on for a bit longer until the terrifying voice of Professor McGonagall rang throughout the courtyard "what on earth are you all doing!" The six fighting students all pulled themselves up, a bit of shoving here and there "my office now, all seven of you" none of them made even a sound of disagreement as they trudged off to her office. As they walked off, Sirius saw Y/n in the sea of students, giving her a thumbs up before continuing on. "The rest of you clear out, I'm sure you all have much better things to do" once she left the students were quick to disperse, now there was no longer anything entertaining going on, a few lingered to continue their lunch outside. Y/n though went off to find her twin, to tell him about what she just witnessed.

Y/n was quick to find her brother, sitting in their usual spot under a large tree in a normally empty courtyard. The girl quickened her pace slightly at the sight of him, when she reached him she practically threw herself onto the bench "you will not believe what just happened" Regulus looked up from the book he was writing in "oh, did you find James snogging a boy again?" The girl rolled her eyes at her brother "no not this time, it was actually to do with Sirius" he closed his book, placing it back into his bag "was he the one snogging a boy" Y/n hit him on the arm slightly "will you stop talking about boys snogging each other, no I saw Sirius in a fight, a physical one, well sort of, it's was his friends actually, they were fighting those stupid Marauders and he was watching" his eyes grew wide "he did what, did he get hurt!" Y/n shook her head, smiling at her twins worry for their older brother "no he didn't get hurt, they all got into trouble though, with professor McGonagall" Regulus sighed "of course they did, I'm sure they will all be stuck in detention for months" he stood up pulling his book bag over his shoulder "do you want to go find Sirius and the others, we can either congratulate them for their stupid bravery…" he paused for a few seconds mulling over his options "or we could go reprimand them for getting in trouble" Y/n beamed up at the now standing boy "you know what, that sounds wonderful Reggie". She wrapped her hand around his arm, quickly pulling him in the direction of the Slytherin common room, hoping that Sirius would be there.

The twins arrived at the common room, their heads darting around the students inside before landing on the group they were hoping to find. They all sat by the large fireplace, and despite just getting in trouble they all held prideful looks on their faces as they talked about how many hits they got in. The two approached the group, sitting down on one of the open couches. "You know you're all unbelievably stupid right?". The four teens looked over at the younger students "yeah but we won though didn't we lads" barty said slightly shaking Evan who was sitting next to him, Sabrina and Evan were quick to agree. Sirius though just looked over at his siblings smiling "I couldn't just let them get away with what they did" they both smiled at him "We appreciate that Siri but you can't keep getting in trouble for us" it was obvious to both his siblings that Regulus was worried about Sirius, even if he would never admit that. "Well you look like you need to rest, that adrenalin will wear off soon and you three will be in a whole lot of pain". Barty, who was always over dramatic, threw himself over the twins "tell me doctor, will I live to see another day" his Scottish accent thick in his fake tone of sadness. Y/n lent down to make eye contact with the lanky teen "not if you keep biting people, you feral boy" he laughed as the girl shoved him off. "She's right though you lot should head to the medical wing, I'll make sure they get to class alright" Barty stayed laying on the sofa until Sabrina and Evan dragged him off

[hp-fanfic-archive]

Remus/Sirius Humor Masterlist | Works With Less Than 5k Words [1/2]

find the full masterlist directory here

last updated: 08/14/24 | links last checked: 08/14/24

13 paper boats floating in the sea (+2 that reached you) by justprompts [T, 4k]

It's like this. Sirius loves Remus. Remus loves Sirius. Lily thinks Remus and Sirius should date. (She also thinks James Potter is quite fit.) Meanwhile, James thinks that Sirius and Lily are snogging behind greenhouse three. (podfic available)

*A Proposal by Bob_The_Other_Zombie [G, 2k]

Sirius has a love problem and asks James for advice. What happens when you add in pregnant Lily, pantsless Peter, candles, one pot of nearly-boiled water, snogging, Remus’ favorite record, multiple unknown kitchen devices, and a very bad pun? One very confused werewolf, is what!

A Short Summary of Things That Are James Potter's Fault by xylodemon [T, 2k]

In which the mistletoe is hexed, Remus would rather not spend the night in a broom cupboard, and several things are James Potter's fault. (podfic available) | (chinese translation available)

A Sirius Case of Jealousy by WolfstarPups90 [T, 1k]

Remus has a new job and Sirius has a bit of a jealousy issue.

*All Dogs Go to Remus' Flat, Apparently by iamsiriusblackserious [G, 1k]

“Now, before you murder me and distribute my body parts across Britain, you should know that he followed me home and none of this is my fault,” Sirius says. “Your defense is that a strange dog followed you home and so you had no choice but to let him into our flat?” “Well, when you say it like that, it just sounds irresponsible!” “Brilliant, that’s exactly what I was going for.” or Remus comes home to find a strange dog sitting on his couch and he's Not Happy.

And a Peacock in a Glass Tree by Tpants [E, 4k]

Remus probably shouldn't have thrown Sirius out of bed. Lily helps Sirius out. Sirius learns to carol.

*baby in boots by pixelated [M, 1k]

“My… my boots—” Sirius stutters stupidly. “Can’t leave without ‘em,” Remus replies with a wink, calm as can be.

Boys by oliverdalstonbrowning [G, 2k]

Remus is reminded of the truth and Sirius plays Space Oddity.

Dadfoot & Moomum by jlpierre [T, 4k]

A four year old Harry Potter, in the care of his guardians Sirius and Remus, experiences a series of Halloween activities to distract the adults from their grief.

Dancing Lessons by remuslives23 [M, 1k]

How Remus became an incredible dancer.

*Daring, Brave, and Genius by elle_stone [G, 1k]

It’s been a month since they’ve seen each other, all four Marauders—daring, brave, genius—and prone to dreaming up ridiculous plans and then jumping into them without thinking any of the details through.

*Ever After by busaikko [T, 3k]

Non-magic AU. Once upon a time, an astrophysicist was wooed by the gay Scheherazade. . . (podfic available)

Eyebrows by BeesKnees [T, 2k]

In which James seduces Remus (sort of), and Sirius blames the whole bloody mess on James (mostly).

Fluffball by orphan_account [T, 2k]

Stolen toasts, arses, cages big enough to hold all of Narnia, unorthodox methods of confession and thirteen bunnies that are only twenty-one percent evil. Sirius Black tries to tell Remus he loves him but it was one hell of a long process.

Friends, Lovers, and Various Permutations Thereof by Tillikins [T, 2k]

Celebrating the end of NEWTs! Sirius asks Remus to room with him after school.

*Going As Planned by lionturtles [G, 2k]

Camping, drinking, awkward kissing.

Have a BEARY Happy Valentine's Day by Amuly [T, 1k]

Valentine's Day during MWPP's 4th year happens to fall the day after a full moon. But it's Remus and Sirius' first Valentine's Day as a couple, so Sirius is determined to make it memorable.

Hey There Little Red Riding Hood by WolfstarPups90 [E, 4k]

The marauders throw an annual Halloween party in Gryffindor Tower. When Lily and Mary tell them about the muggle tradition of dressing up in costume, Sirius gets an idea…Remus pretends not to be amused.

ice cream and swimming pools by beespiesandplaid [Not Rated, 2k]

James wears some obscene swimming shorts and Remus and Sirius quietly fall in love.

In The Middle by Blossomwitch [Not Rated, 3k]

James is the natural confidant of both Remus and Sirius. When they both swear him to secrecy on the same topic, James is stuck watching his friends pine for each other without being able to say a word to bring them together. A lesser man might shrink from the challenge of finding a way to break his promise without breaking his promise, but not James Potter!

Letters by beespiesandplaid [Not Rated, 3k]

The summer is long and boring, so Sirius starts writing to Remus.

Meeting The Guardians by jlpierre [T, 3k, Harry/Draco]

Will Draco meeting the 'Dad's', Sirius and Remus, go down well for Harry?

Midnight Conversation #1 by Thistlerose [T, 1k]

A few days before winter hols begin, Sirius gives Remus a unique going away present.

*mixed signals by dalembertio [T, 1k]

“Wait,” Remus says, looking at James through narrowed eyes. “What, exactly, did Lily tell you?” “That you fancy Sirius.” James pauses. “Wasn’t that what we were talking about?”

Mutual(s) Pining by hue & reachthetree [T, 3k]

Sirius finds inspiration and lots of whale puns.

*denotes personal favorites

[halfblood-princes-crown]

I don't think Dumbledore ever expected the kid who hated him more than anything in the world that he sacrificed to the Dark Side in order to keep the blind trust of his "Champions" to be the only person he would trust the most on his last years alive (because i believe that if justice had been done that day Severus wouldn't have spiraled as fucking hard as he did, in his mind there was no Light side, only two Dark Lords and that's a whole ass rant for another day )

I believe that he may have realized that he made a mistake letting him fall through the cracks to keep the Marauders when the latter crashed and burned as soon as they got out of School (as many peaked in highschool kids do). I think that he might had wanted to use them as " Symbols" of trust, inclusion, camaraderie and friendship to set an example of hope and courage to the rest and keep the morale up (i mean in theory it does sounds nice : A Pureblood from an evil family who chose different, a werewolf who fights for justice, another Pureblood who rejects old norms and fights for others, and your everyday person showing that everyone can make a change ; but that's another whole different rant and this one is long enough)

And while doing that he might have overlooked too hard their negative attributes and let himself be swept (like everyone else irl) for the idea of a selfless group of friends who belongs to the Light and fought for good and the less fortunate

I also believe that when the Incident happened he was forced to open his eyes a little, he got a reminder that Sirius still was a Black, that Remus was still a Werewolf that not everything would go as smoothly as he had hoped. Nonetheless he was faced by a choice.

He had one (1) poor genius dark arts obsessed halfblood Severus Snape on one side who was under Malfoy's influence and whose probable only anchor to the Light side was the friendship he was steadily loosing with Lily Evans

and the Marauders.

I'm sure he realized that he couldn't do anything for Snape without loosing the Marauders. Sirius would never forgive him for not taking his side even if he was in the wrong. He would start to question him and if Sirius trust in him wavered that meant no James and no James meant no Marauders, no Marauders meant everything that he overlooked during all their years would have been in vain, everyone he allowed them to hurt would have been wronged in vain

I theorize that before the incident his plan with Severus was to try and keep him in a neutral grey area through Lily Evans (since he would never truly form part of the Light if the Light contained the Marauders) because he recognized that what a powerful asset and enemy he could be for either side and if he couldn't have him on his he at least would try to avoid Voldemort having that advantage (because come on this kid was a complete genius and i doubt things like that slipped past him, not anymore, not since Tom)

But when the Incident happened he had to choose between one of them. He weighted on one hand his Champions and in the other maybe what could be the one biggest threat in Voldemort's ranks. He was already too far in with the Marauders to back down now and he trusted that they would be able to handle him once they inevitably face each other in battle.

He knew he was dooming Severus Snape to the Dark Side, he basically took the Light away from him and in a way gave permission to the Marauders to keep tormenting him. This was the gravest thing they could have done and there was no consequence, that meant there was no limit and now they know it.

He knew Severus would never forgive him, he knew he was making a life long commitment to the Marauders now, he knew he was gaining 4 allies who would follow him blindly thinking he would always back them up (and now he had to) and one enemy who had every reason to want to destroy him, he knew he just handed Voldemort a powerful ally in a silver platter and he knew that he might regret that decision

He just didn't know how much he would regret it later though

Fuckin wow…🤯🤯🤯

You basically just put the thoughts of majority of them snapedom into words, Anon…that’s amazing

I was so mad at Dumbledore while reading this😭 like he really put 200% of his faith in four teenage bullies… pls ✋🏽

He allowed all of that to happen…out of naivety

Because he thought they were gonna be the knights of the light side…but in reality he was tormenting the one that was gonna save them all

Damn.

Thank you for this amazing rant, Anon 🙏🏽

[prince-rowan-of-the-forest]

To Make a Heaven of Hell (8/?)

----

Virgil is tasked to go collect more coffee than he can carry alone, thankfully someone comes to save him.

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Chapter warnings: None (please lmk if I'm missing something)

Notes: *rubbing my hands together like an evil genius* guess who's hereeeeeeeeeeee-

Anyway uh- sorry this took like three months? I genuinely don't know what happened - I was very busy over Christmas and then uni deadlines caught up on me - and I've been working on so many things that I'm just screaming into the void at this point. I'm glad I could finish this chapter, though!!! I love this fic so much!

----

Whatever scheme Janus and the others had gotten up to had been almost pushed out of his mind by the time it actually came to involve him. 

Almost, because he hadn’t quite been able to stop thinking about the ‘yet’ surrounding his own involvement in the plan whenever he’d had a free second. But they’d spent enough time talking back to assholes at the Hellp desk - and at a good few hours of therapy sessions with Emile that had been mostly productive - to mostly put it out of their mind. For the most part. 

Once a week had passed since Janus and Angel had headed into Hell giggling about who knows what, Virgil started wondering if he really would be involved in this plan at all. 

—-

Barely even the day after Virgil had thought that, he was introduced to the most beautiful person he’d ever seen. 

Well, introduced is a strong word. 

He noticed the guy across the lobby - stood in the entrance to the tunnel that leads down to the residential levels of Hell. Remus was with him, it looked like he was trying to coax the pretty stranger to come further into the lobby, but when Virgil met his eyes - deep pools of molten gold that almost seemed to glow and make Virgil feel like his bones were melting but somehow in a good way? - the stranger ran. Well - good to know he was apparently scary to the pretty demon. What a great confidence boost. Virgil sighed - just as Remus seemed to across the hall - and Lily gently patted his shoulder in consolidation.

“He’s shy,” She said by way of explanation, Virgil just sighed again.

—-

“Oh Virgil!” Angel practically sang from the other end of the desk a few days later, “Can you do the coffee run alone today? Ruggy’s having a bit of a crisis over here-”

Ruggy rolled her eyes - Virgil wasn’t sure she was actually having a crisis, but it wasn’t their place to judge. 

“Sure, uh - can everyone write down their orders? I probably won't remember them alone.” Virgil said, standing up, Angel giggled and handed him a piece of paper that already had all the orders written down on it in multiple different handwritings, he frowned, okay - so they had planned this. What was going on? 

“You’re all grown up now,” Lily chuckled, probably misinterpreting his frown, “You’ve got this!”

“...Grown up?” Virgil looked at her confused, as far as he was aware, he hadn’t changed since he got here.

“Wait, did you not know?” Angel gasped, standing up again.

“Virgie you’re like two inches taller than you were before,” Sharkie pointed out, glaring at him - for growing? Which he’d apparently done at some point without his own notice - but didn’t Lily say…

“You’re settling in, kid!” Bel told him, ruffling his hair with a heavy hand that made Vrgil laugh and shove him away…. Maybe those therapy sessions were helping more than they thought? “Now go get that coffee!”

—-

The coffee shop wasn’t busy when Virgil went in, which they thanked the universe for as they nervously handed over the list of eleven wildly different coffee orders, not even realising there was an extra one - and then asked for his own too. He thought belatedly that he wasn’t sure how he would carry them all back to the desk. 

He stared blankly at the three cup holders full of various drinks and two paper bags of snacks that the barista put on the counter. He once again thanks the universe that the coffee shop is fairly empty as the barista looks at him sympathetically.

“Could no-one else on the desk come down today?” She asked, “If I wasn’t halfway through my shift I’d offer to help you take them down myself…”

“That’s okay,” Virgil waved her off, moving everything to the side so that if someone else wanted to order, they could, before sighing and putting a hand on his hip, trying to figure this out.

“Hey cutie, need some help there?” Someone asked from behind him with a voice smooth as butter in a tone that had Virgil blushing - even more so at the nickname. He turned and found himself face to face - more like face to chest, whatever did this guy get from being so tall? With the extremely pretty demon who he’d seen across the lobby in Hell just a few days earlier.

“Ha-h-hi?” Virgil stammered, feeling his train of thought screech to a halt as he looked up at the demon’s face. His sparkling golden eyes seemed to look straight through Virgil’s pale foundation to his hot blushing face - almost as red as the demon’s skin. From this close he could see bright golden freckles littering his skin like tiny stars, and Virgil could see a lot of his skin too - he wore just as little clothing as Remus did. His heart-tipped tail thrashed behind him - in a way Virgil thought seemed almost nervous, but that couldn’t be right. Smiling, the stranger picked up two of the three cup holders after putting one of the bags of pastries and cakes into the satchel he carried around his waist, an action which totally didn’t draw his eyes to somewhere where they were not supposed to be drawn - he thought he might combust with how much he was blushing as he forced himself to meet the stranger’s eyes again. 

“I see I’ve rendered you speechless,” he said, grinning to show pointed fangs - unlike Remus’ full mouth of shark-like sharp teeth, but still dangerous looking in a way that didn’t scare him, “My apologies, but I simply couldn’t leave a cutie like you to struggle after I saw you in distress.”

“I- wha- you-” Virgil stumbled to start too many sentences at once, not sure what he was even trying to say. The demon chuckled, putting his hand on his hip.

“Like what you see, sweetie?” He asked, tilting his head just a little. Virgil choked and covered his face, equal parts embarrassed and flustered by the callout.

“‘M sorry,” Virgil mumbled, trying to get his words back as his face attempted to cool down a little - but a look up to see the demon was still smiling at him just brought it back tenfold.

“What are you sorry for?” There was a hint of genuine confusion in the demon’s voice despite his smile, he tilted his head.

“I was- I was staring? That’s- rude?” Virgil said, now also confused - wasn’t he offended by Virgil blatantly looking at him?

“I’m an incubus, darling, I’m used to it,” he reassured, ruffling Virgil’s hair - someone needs to explain why that feels nice because it did even though Virgil ducked and tried to bat his hand away with a squawk of surprise that made the demon laugh, “As long as you aren’t scared of me - and hey, I was flirting with you, I dug my own grave just a little, what’s your name cutie? My brother just calls you ‘emo’.”

“Wait- you’re Remus’ brother?” Virgil perked up to ask, before immediately getting flustered again as a grin split across his face.

“That’s me,” he grinned, putting down the cup holders and offering his hand for a handshake - his claw-like nails were red but tipped with gold like he’d dipped them in glittering paint, “My name’s Roman.”

“I- ah - I’m uh- Virgil…” Virgil mumbled awkwardly, tentatively taking Roman’s hand to shake only to have their hand grasped tightly and shaken with enthusiasm. Roman’s hand was so warm. 

“Virgil? What a lovely name you have,” Roman said, bringing Virgil’s hand - which he was still holding - up to his lips to kiss, making Virgil blush a brilliant crimson, “You look like a sunrise, darling.”

Virgil could only cough and bow their head as Roman continued, “Pretty pink cheeks and lovely purple hair, hm, oh and your eyes are such a lovely blue, like the early morning sky, how perfect.”

“Oh- shut up,” Virgil mumbled, covering their face with his other hand - the one Roman wasn’t still holding, “Are you gonna help me carry coffee or not?”

Bursting out into boisterous laughter, Roman let go of his hand and picked everything back up. Virgil quickly took the others and thanked the barista - who winked knowingly at him for some reason - and began leading the way back down towards Hell. Many people stopped to stare as they walked, most of them at Roman, who’s tail had wrapped itself around his leg almost as soon as they’d stepped out of the coffee shop. Virgil couldn’t help but notice through quick sneaky glances that Roman didn’t seem half as confident out here in the universal hallway as he had been back in the coffee shop. Virgil debated asking why for a moment, deciding not to pray until they neared the gates of hell and Roman started to hide behind them. 

“Hey Roman?” Virgil said, glancing back at him, the demon perked up - as if Virgil’s attention alone had made him feel better, “Are uh- are you good? I mean- are you okay? You look more nervous than me …”

“Hm? What? No - I’m fine, totally fine,” Roman waved him off with a smile that was much faker than the ones he’d given in the coffee shop, “Why would I not be okay?”

Raising an eyebrow, Virgil looks him over, Roman’s smile slowly drops into an apprehensive expression, “Your tail is wrapped around your leg, your hands are shaking, you’re fidgeting with your claws, you’re trying to hide behind me…”

“Okay okay,” Roman put his hands up, seeming embarrassed, “I’m- I don’t really like being in the lobby of Hell, that’s all.”

Virgil tilted his head, “What - do you know what the problem itself is? Maybe I can help?” He understood anxiety pretty well after all, he hoped he could help.

“Oh it’s really nothing - it’s just - the way some of the souls look at me? It just bothers me, sometimes.”

Virgil frowns, “But- you said that me looking at you didn’t bother you?” they asked, suddenly worried he had actually upset Roman even though he’d said he wasn’t - but Roman shook his head quickly.

“It’s not the same kind of looking,” Roman said, before hiding his face with a hand when one lady from the main like glared at them, Virgil found himself giving her a fierce look in response - what had driven such protectiveness he would probably never know - but now he understood, at least a little. 

Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, that was an issue Virgil was very familiar with - and he could imagine Roman got it a lot worse, considering the way he dressed and the kind of people they got at the desk. He hummed, “Hold on a second - I can- it might help…”

It was a balancing act as Virgil shrugged off his jacket without spilling or dropping anything, Roman watched in surprise as Virgil offered the jacket to him, “It’s uh- it always helps me, when I’m anxious, and it stops people from looking too hard.”

After a moment’s hesitation, Roman shifted the things he was holding and reached out to take the jacket. Where it was far too big on Virgil, it actually fit Roman a lot better, he even pulled the hood up as far as he could with his horns and covered his hands with the sleeves and gave Virgil a small smile.

“Thank you,” Roman said, Virgil noticed his tail slowly uncurling from around his leg to sway side-to-side as it had been back in the coffee shop, “This is- your jacket is very cozy.”

Virgil smiled, “Yeah? I’m glad,” it was strange - it had almost become a habit to let people borrow his jacket when they were more anxious than him - it seemed he was able to be more confident when someone else was less. Even without his jacket, in a sleeveless plum coloured turtleneck, he found he was able to keep his head held high as he led Roman back to the Hellp desk.

“Hey Emo!” Remus yelled as he approached, “Hey RoRo! I almost didn’t recognise you, nice hoodie.”

Virgil could’ve sworn Roman’s face got redder when he quietly pointed out that the jacket was Virgil’s.

----

General tags: @full-of-roman-angst-trash @your-local-random-dino @cutebisexualmess @glacierruler @roseianxiety @bella-bugatti-frogetti-baguetti @scalesfeathersnfur (if anyone wants to be added, let me know!)

Hell's Belles AU tags: @awitchbravestheverge @twoalpacas @goldnskyart @anxious-mess19 @doteddestroyer @yourchemicallyimbalancedromance :)

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[celestemagnoliathewriter]

#26 for any hogwarts professor 😁

Thanks for the ask, @evesaintyves!

Since 26 is a freebie question, I'll go with #8 and Severus Snape.

8. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

All right, so laying out the cards right away: I am truly very neutral about Severus Snape. I don't hate him and I don't think he's an evil bag of evil. I also don't think he's the greatest character, though he is certainly one of the most interesting ones in the series.

I would say that what I hate that the fandom does with Snape is swing too far in either direction of worship or hatred. I think hatred is where I see a lot of people land, and though I'm not Snape's biggest fan, I don't think the hatred is necessary. Dislike, yes, but outright hatred and writing him to be an evil gargoyle stuffed with tons of evil little slugs that all poop evil, is just not right to me.

It also speaks volumes to me that Snape is not conventionally attractive by any means, and while he is hyper complex, I don't see people woobifying him or making him into a soft boy like they do with Regulus or Barty Crouch Jr. Or Evan Rosier. Or any of those "Slytherin Skittles." We have a truly grey character on our hands, and the best I see from a lot of the Marauders fandom is hatred and dismissal of him, in favor of conventionally attractive boys.

Anyway.

Snape is arguably one of the most interesting characters in the entire series. He's a dick, but he's got a clever and dry sense of humor. He's a potions genius, but he's not a kind man. He's not a fuzzy or cute character, but he plays a pivotal role and he plays it well.

I have compassion for Severus. He grew up poor alongside Lily, and then he got sorted into the worst possible house for his social situation. Not only was he a half-blood, but a poor one, so he would've had to work hard to get to the point of being socially accepted. Even then, he was never truly going to fit in because of his blood status and poverty. I'm confident he had a difficult time as a young Slytherin, who was BFFs with a Muggleborn, and that was made worse by the terrorizing Marauders.

No, Snape isn't innocent, either. Remus (a VERY flawed character, we all know) said Snape gave as good as he got. But remember how unreliable of a narrator Remus is - he's going to say and do whatever it takes to save face. Snape created some truly nasty spells and presumably used them. He called Lily a Mudblood, but to put that in context, it was after James put soap in his mouth, hung him upside down, and threatened to take his pants off. Pants = underpants, so that's even worse to expose someone like that in front of a crowd.

My issue with adult Snape is that he's a gigantic shithead at the kids. On the one hand, I totally get the need to be strict in an environment like the potions lab, where one mistake could literally melt people's faces off. On the other hand, it's extremely cruel to make fun of children and bully them. I'm sure he had lots of amusement from his own quips, which are legitimately funny sometimes, but it's still such a dick move to make fun of kids.

That doesn't make him evil. It just makes him human (and petty AF). I don't write him often because I don't feel I get his voice right, but when I have written him, I try to have some compassion, as well as some critique, because while Snape is not a bucket of sunshine and rainbows, he has a critical role and without it, Harry couldn't have succeeded.

Character Ask Game

[loserboyfriendrjl]

remus lupin headcanons because i love him very dearly <3

has lots of moles and freckles that sirius likes making constellations out of

seems really quiet and like a good boy because he's always got his nose buried in a book but he's actually the mastermind behind all pranks and he's pretty much an evil genius

loves tomatoes and olives, hates celery

gets along really well with his mam, they're pretty much besties and they tell each other everything

whenever someone asks him to pronounce the longest name of a place in wales (llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch) he just cusses at them and they think that's what he said. it's become an on-running joke between the welsh students to say the same thing to everyone non-welsh asking and they never knew that the name was not what they were saying

has sharper canines than most people and so he's insecure about his smile so the first time he laughed and they flashed out sirius may or may have not fallen in love (courtesy to scar for this genius hc)

autistic

prefers weed to actual cigarettes, it helps with his pain and it gets his mind off things

rubs his hands together when he's excited

has really bad handwriting. he's the kind of person that has such ugly handwriting that only he understands. he only tries making his handwriting neater on valentine's cards, letters to important people, and stuff he sends to his mum (and the invitations to james and lily's funeral)

knows how to play the ukulele and the guitar (he was taught by hope)

his favorite bands are simon & garfunkel, t.rex, and fleetwood mac

speaking of music, his favorite song from bowie is the prettiest star (i wonder why)

hates kids, especially babies, but is really good with them. he (slowly) started loving kids when james and lily had hari (james promised him that he would be the godfather to their next kid. it never happened)

his humor consists of dad, sarcastic and self-deprecating jokes and dark humor (sirius share the last three and james is concerned by some of the jokes they make. peter thinks they're funny)

[kitchen-box]

I have officially decided to become a Severus Snape and Regulus Black shipper.

I don't know how it happened either...

So, I read this fic, I don't remember the name but I think it was on ao3 or fanfiction.net (if anyone finds it please repost this with it or leave the link in the comments)

So Snape is an asshole, but he is a smart one, a cunning one, the best of the best, the most powerful kid in that school. Fight me about it, I've been taking boxing lesson since I was 8.

Don't get me wrong, he's not likable and what he did is not justified, killing people and being rasist basically. What, you thought I was talking about his bullying children. Oh, you poor flower child. I don't think he was always this bad...

A child can't be evil. He learned this behaviour from his parents (rasism from his dad, sadism (headcanon: Eileen blamed Severus for her failed relationship with Tobias and that's why she doesn't stop his abuse, towards her and Severus) from his mom), his housemates (RASISTS), and his year and school mates (how to be disgusted by people who are different from you 101)

And Regulus is a genius, he outsmarted the darkest lord of their (I headcanon Regulus as he/they, again, fight me about it) time at 18. He may not be powerful, but he's observant and very empathic (this post is full of headcanons), even if their not that people-inclined. He knows how to manipulate and they knows the darkest of the arts, even if, again, he isn't inclined towards them. He's also very good at complicated magic (healing spells and wards(they can hide anything from anyone)).

Soooooo, that being said. The fic:

Snape is trying to catch Lupin as a werewolf so he digs a spot pretty close to the castle so he can make a run for it if necessary. It's kinda small.

Regulus comes and kinda fits himself into the hole, it's very cramped now and neither of them know how to cast an expending charm.

A professor guides Remus to the Shrinking Shack and Severus is trying to listed to the steps but Regulus keep talking so he covers their mouth with his hand and presses himself into Regulus so he can hear better.

Regulus kisses Snape and they make out, the oneshot ending with Snape thinking to try again next month and going somewhere more private with Regulus.

[ladysyrabellarouex]

Thoughts on Tragic charactors.

I've been think of all the tragic fictional males from different genre's who lost their one true love.

Erik Destler. (Phantom of the Opera.) This sad fluffly little baby did nothing to the whole of the humanity who treated him like garbage, and his scarred face he was a genius who wanted his music to be know the world over and falling in love with his muse Christine Daae. she betrayed him for her rich old sweetheart Raoul hurt him in way i dont think one can be hurt.

Vampire Lord (Slaughter of the vampires) he would of had Louise forever and ever if he did not come across that idiot boy and that vampire hunter! his only mistake was not takeing his mate and leaving the mansion immediately one the sun set.

Maxamillion (Vampire in Brooklyn) He tried so hard to have his one true mate his Rita. He almost had her but she betrayed him and killed him destroying the bloodline of her vampire nature. ( Really who would choose humanity over vamperism???!)

Severus Snape ( Oh boy this is gonna be rough) First thing this FLUFFY baby did not do anything wrong!!!! He just happened to be put in the worst magic school in his universes existance! He did not deserve bullying he did not deserve being nearly murdered by the four bullies the mauraders. and most of all his beloved Lily who USED HIM! she wanted James Potter's money i dont give a damn if she loved potter they make me sick. dumbledore was a dick and a monster and evil fuck to boot. He hated Slytherin house and dont tell me he did not because he did. and he is suppose to be this great guy. he made severus take a vow to keep Remus lupin's werewolf identiy a secret and then be in debt to the fucking demon potter for what they almost killed him! and that cruel name. awful Severus Snape had a terrible life and made bad mistskes but he changed his ways. he was the last Prince of his bloodline he died a grey man. not pure good or pure evil. A true hero of Slytherin house.

[loganslowdown4]

Incorrect Quotes

January - April 2024

Balloon Volunteer

Terrible, Face-Wise (prinxiety)

Anxceit Bonding (platonic)

Truth or Dare: Logan’s Choice (loceit logince)

Shampoo

Cold Clammy Hands

Sides Play Monopoly

Patton Time Capsule

Patton’s Birthday

Sleep’s Birthday

Learning Good Manners

In-A-Cent

No Swearing

Tell Your Crush

Doing Me (Moceit)

Zero Stars (Logince Week ‘24 Day 1)

Revenge (Logince Week ‘24 Day 2)

Adventure & Romance (Logince Week ’24 Day 3

Writers Block (Logince Week ’24 Day 4)

Phone Genius (Logince Week ’24 Day 5)

Tell The Time (Logince Week ’24 Day 6)

I Was Really Proud (Logince Week ’24 Day 7)

I’m An Idiot

Amuse Douche

I’m Cute (Jan’s Birthday)

Roman’s Star (logince)

Go Outside

He Likes Mysterious Guys (logince)

What’s Your type (roceit)

Exercise

Evil Self

Old Married Couple (prinxiety)

I’m Awake

Eat Food Off Each Other (logince)

Try Not To Laugh

Twin Mystery Agency

Please A Woman

Body Hug

Greatest Strength

Language Wish

Working Late (logince)

Pink Confetti (Intrulogical)

Red Ear Lies (prinxiety)

Pet Names (dukexiety)

Buns Joke

Garbage CAN

Adorably Mad

Crushed Emotion

Puzzle Club

Eating Emotions

No Judgements (Demus)

Can’t Make Me Scream

Do you…?

Friendship Ending Move

Social Experiment (Minutes In A Year)

Whoopsie

Drug Sniffing Dog

Truth or Dare (analogical)

Fighting or Flirting (roceit)

Are You A Painting (Intrulogical)

In A Boat (Moceit)

I’m Thirsty (logince)

I’m Thirsty Comic

Life Is Hard

Sleep Ideas

After Me (moceit)

Pringles

Triple Do The Thing

Get Undressed for Science

Desperate Sluts

How Do You Sleep At Night

Good & Okay (intruality)

Pinocchio Paradox

Hero Senses

Looking for Clothes (Intrulogical)

Just A Little Attention

Bad Remus

New Book

Survey

Easy MetaKnight

Peaches

Get Me A Drink

[bitchylittlevictorianchild]

I posted 504 times in 2022

That's 251 more posts than 2021!

21 posts created (4%)

483 posts reblogged (96%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@sourcejunkdrawer

@theopalescent1

@waveypedia

@sapphosboy

@maip-macrothorax

I tagged 327 of my posts in 2022

Only 35% of my posts had no tags

#this. - 15 posts

#[head in hands] - 11 posts

#please - 6 posts

#lmao - 5 posts

#prev tags - 5 posts

#oh my god. - 4 posts

#real - 3 posts

#the witcher - 3 posts

#jesus christ - 3 posts

#what the fuck - 2 posts

Longest Tag: 135 characters

#gay people knowing what its like to silently yearn and have a crush on someone unatainable due to the fear of irreparable consequences:

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Sam and Cas are best buds. Besties, if you will. But they're the type to point at random objects (i.e. a broken pencil in the middle of the street) and go, "That's so you." Cas said, "You touch a hair on his head and you die" like he's not the one who purposefully messes up Sam's hair after he's meticulously gelled it just because it makes Dean laugh and Sam squak at him. Sam is the type to put salt in people's coffee. Every once in a while, just when he thinks he'll never have to taste liberally salted coffee ever again, Cas takes a sip from his "Sam's Favorite Assbutt" mug with a giant picture of Sam with his hair in a man-bun on it and absolutely fucking freezes. Sam thinks this is the height of comedy, he's a genius, brilliant. In return, Cas zaps him to Croatia with a note that says "You're hubris is amusing." written on the palm of his hand. Dean thinks this is hilarious. And terrifying. He asks Cas where Sam is one morning, and he says "Greece." with no emotion in his voice. Like it's totally normal. "I thought he'd enjoy the pastitios," Cas says with an evil smile.

It is 7 in the morning. It is 7 in the morning.

4 notes - Posted April 18, 2022

#4

For those wondering.

5 notes - Posted November 30, 2022

#3

"Well then that makes you think...is Wolfstar technically bestiality. Like. Remus Lupin and...Oh my God, I almost just said Teddy Roosevelt-"

"TEDDY ROOSEVELT??"

"OH MY GOD-"

"AH YES. REMUS LUPIN AND TEDDY ROOSEVELT."

"I'M SO SORRY- I'M SO SORRY-"

-Me and my cousin, after talking about Supernatural

7 notes - Posted January 2, 2022

#2

Imagine a modern geraskier au where Jaskier and Geralt own a nice little house and a lawn and all that jazz and Jaskier is overly picky about his flowers and his garden and whatnot, so he makes Geralt help him with the yard work instead of hiring someone to do it like "normal celebrities do" (as Yen said with an eye roll) which results in many paparazzi photos of the two of them just. Mowing the fucking lawn. Cutting back the shrubs. Trimming the rose bushes and fertilizing the pumpkins. It's the most bizarre thing to happen to Hollywood since Jake Gyllenhaal said he doesn't shower. One day Jaskier is sick and they have Ciri for the week and he needs to do yard work, it hasn't been done since last week god forbid, and Ciri steps up and is like "Don't worry father dear. I will help with the yard work." which then results in Jaskier posting the most vile, suburban mom photos to all of his socials of Geralt and Ciri doing yard work. Just the most sickening, yet endearing grandma behavior that is possible in a thirty year old man. He's so proud of his darling little girl and his amazing husband, he really is. He starts a livestream and he's just sobbing while watching Horrible Histories and gushing about Geralt and Ciri. Everyone is Fed Up With Him.

15 notes - Posted July 24, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Jonathan from tma season 1 be like my three kids are so dumb. End statement.

18 notes - Posted August 14, 2022

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