#SO IM TRYING TO DO SOMETHING THIS TIME AROUND BUT ITS SO . FUCKING HARD
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hi sweetheart🫶
can I request bff!mark + dry humping while watching movies
mdi ! afab reader ! (i love this hehehe)
you and mark always have sleepovers, watching movie playing games listing to music. your families were super close and the both of you grew up together, but since your parents were out of town for the weekend you invited mark over
“so we are rewatching Spiderman right?” mark asks half as a joke but you know he’s serious.
“we watched that like a couple weeks ago” you sigh to yourself as you were in the kitchen making popcorn, you love the movies but you you’ve had enough.
“listen how about for a change we watch a girlie movie” you say with a smile on your face.
“fine, but next movie i call being a spider man movie” mark says rolling his eyes.
the thing is girlie (romcoms/ romance) movies always get you a little horny… they are always so cute and always about finding the one you will love, even if its them going though hardships or trying something new- the main character will always at the end of the story find love and 99.9% of the time have sex at the end.
you guys finished the movie you were watching and didnt really say much about it. watching romance movies with mark is nothing new but- watching romance movies with mark alone in your house is definitely new.
“that was cute” you say braking the silence.
“yeah it was funny- anways next movie?” mark says our of awkwardness and adjusting himself next to you.
you got back up to make more popcorn as he started the movie. you sat the food down on the table in front of the couch and since you were slightly bent over. in that same motion you leaned back to sit back down on the couch. but when you sat back it was not soft and fluffly.
“y/n” mark yelped
“oh god mark im so sorry” you said in a panic as you tried to get up but he wrapped your arm around ur waist making you sit right on top of him.
“y/n, could you say like this for a second” he said into your back.
“o-oh um yeah” you responded.
you sat there for a good couple of minutes watching the beginning of spider-man till you moved trying to get up again but that single movement make mark moan.
you couldn’t believe it, it shocked you down your spine and made you really aware of what you were sitting on.
“y/n please don’t move, im sorry” he says, you could tell he felt so apologetic.
“should i help?” you said quietly.
“what?” he responds quickly “no… no no no absolutely not”
“what if i wanted to” you said.
“i jus- f-fuck” he moans, you didnt care, you yourself were in a mood too and after feeling how hard he was you couldn’t help but move.
you started off slow, you didn’t want to overwhelm him or make him cum fast since you wanted to enjoy this too. “m-mark” you moaned out as you made little movements on top of him.
“y/n…” mark said, he moved your hair so that he had access to kiss the nape of your neck as you sat on top of him like a chair.
you move your lower body in slow circle movements to get him started. you knew this was going to be a bumpy ride so you place your hands on both of marks thighs to hold yourself up as you work yourself on him.
“you are doing so good y/n” he moans, he uses the hand that was wrapped around your stomach so snake it up into your shirt. he finds one of your tits and try’s to work on it while your moving on him. as he using his other hand to hold you down so he can meet you through the layers of thin clothing.
“a-ah” you push your ass down on him much as you could trying to fit yourself onto him like putting on a pair of tight shoes. you throw ur head forward in pleasure and to put all your strength in your legs.
“f-fuck y/n, your so f-fucking hot” mark shutters as he still chases after your back to leave hot kisses all over it. you change your rhythm to back and forth motions, you could feel him trying to meet your change.
you never really thought you would be doing this with mark, you had some feelings for him in the past but never let it get the best of you. seeing your best friend as a boy, a man was something really hard for you till today.
“f-fuck m-mark your so big” you say, feeling the length of him though clothing was making you wish that the layer wasnt there.
“y/n- i’m gonna cum” he grunted as he places both his hands on your hips so he could control your movements
“m-me to mark” you yelped trying to move as much as you could on top of him.
“f-fuck” he moaned loudly right into your ear as he spilled out in his pants. and you following right behind him.
he wraps his arms around your stomach pulling you in just to sit on top of him as you both come down for your high in  silence.
“so, what was that…” mark finally says, still holding on to you.
“i dont know but it was good, like really good, lik-“ you said but got cut off by mark.
“y/n please stop or im gonna actually want to fuck you” mark says resting his head on your back.
you twist your arm around in a awkward manner to reach his head, “if it means less clothes next time then i wouldnt mind”
and with that the two just laugh a little, clean up and try to at least finish the movie without any sexual glances at each other.
an: hiii i hit 127 followers so i thought i would respond to some requests as much as i could ^_^
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I'm sorry for the OC brain rot on main....
(the lines are from a post about "tag yourself: awkward/unflirty Sims edition" and honestly? all my OCs are awkward/unflirty so ... yeah...)
#my characters#they (my OCs in general) are not mine if they don't pine and fail at romance#and the fact one of the options WAS actually ask an inappropriate question??? deacon coded if there was ever something deacon coded#i have so many stupid ideas for ymber having the worst comments that he THINKS would be flattering in his head and then he hears it out lou#and is like oh no that was awful im going to be abandoned for that and i deserve it oh wow dang that was so bad#both of them are trying so hard to be supportive and learn about the other and somehow its working?#no one else knows HOW it works but ok buddy#like i saw a mug in a coffee shop that i DESPERATELY want to draw in the modern au i have#with Oh handing it to Ymber saying AH HA found a mug I can gift Deacon the next time you fuck up with talking to him#and then doesn't buy it but is thinking about it and then later that day Ymber says something v blunt and non flattering#and Oh just ARE YOU KIDDING ME I DONT HAVE DEACONS GIFT BC YOU SAID YOUD TRY HARDER AT THIS#the mug in question said#congrats on your breakup we hated him#and there were sparkles around breakup#and it was so funny to me i just .... thinking about how much Oh would love to give it to deacon as a sorry my friend is so bad at this#i really wanna draw more of the sims fail options with the others in the plot but hey i can post it on my side blog and spare you all here#i was thinking about a fanart idea earlier this morning and completely forgot it by the time i sat down to draw#gomen gomen i was gonna try to not do ocs on main but.... alas....
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the panic this document enduces in me when look at how much i need to edit is unreal...
#this is an older document that. has gotten spruced up now#but its still such a fucking mess#but im trying to go thru and revise the things that have changed since i last touched this#and its. a lot. BUT!!!#I've been inspired to do it because i think id like to share the full timeline at some point with you guys#sad thing this is only the top part of the timeline it keeps going and going#ive fiddled with maybe an 8th of it and tha workloads only gonna increase as i shift things around and find old plot holes#but i wanna try so hard to actually finish fixing this for real x_x#the spacing in this timeline is smth that I'll never be able to make sense of#its chronological to each point along the line#but some of these events are either hours or days or even weeks between each other and like#i never put down ant indication of exactly how much time passes between each point#thats something else i have to fix ough....#brambleramble
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The way that the sun hits leaves and clouds. I feel like I could watch the colors change forever. If I could slow down for that long.
#i keep forgetting a have a deck now. i can go outside and sit there#im doing that now. sitting in the corner of a deck full of empty chairs. staring up at a big pine tree where the sun is striking it gold#at the top. i like how thr light hits the needles. if the sky was black it would look like its on fire#theres a tree outside my bedroom window too. in the morning. after the sunrises it catches thr light and refelcts the most perfect shade#of green. the kind of green that flutters translucent like youre looking up from the bottom of a pool. the light the light its all about#the sun. everything everything is about the sun. when i start my project I'll be focused on understanding how organisms catch the light bc#its so incredible and complicated it would make my chest swell to bursting if there wasnt an empty bleeding wound in my gut. a#metaphorical wound of course. i dunno. its just difficult bc right now my mood is inflated by hormones. not even that much i think I'm#just at what shoulf be a normal level of happiness so i can be slow for a minute. but just a minute bc i kno it won't last long#sorry i cant shut the fuck up when im like this but i dunno i just feel like i havr to document these ephemeral moments before they're gone#its just difficult when you kno the world is so full of beautiful things but 95% of the time your eyes are too clouded to see it#everyone tells me i work too much but i feel like im just staring off into space being miserable 60% of the time. ive just done so much#damage over the past few years im coming into a new lab as damaged goods. ive got an albatross around my neck in thr form of data i#collected so self destructively that the idea of having anything to do with its publication makes me hate myself. everytime someone tells#me good job on collecting so so so much data it feels like they're congratulating me for breaking something within myself. like i slit my#wrists and bled out on a lab bench and theyre saying good job and theyre excited for me and i have to grin and bear it and pretend im#excited too. but im not bc ive burned everything inside me to ash. so when im elevated enough to be distracted by the clouds and trees it#feels like healing. like seeing angels. beautiful ephemeral beams of light. i wish i could slow down enough to watch them. but now thr sun#is hitting the horizon and the sky is going gradually dark and i should go inside. bc i have many things to do in the morning. so that's#what ill do. and ill try to get more thsn 6hrs of sleep but its hard when your body is vibrating over with energy#but at least i dont feel tired in the morning. something in my head must be on fire#unrelated#hm i should maybe add a tw to this#tw self injury#but its the kind thst makes u good at ur Job. its the kind ppl reward. so they don't understand when u say its destroying ur life#but im trying to get better. i say as i gear up for an insane semester lol but i do mean it
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watching space station videos for fic research and this astronaut is explaining how they sleep and that they dont really lie down because it always feels like shes still standing up anyway. she says "i dont have any sensation in my head that tells me im upside down so it doesnt matter"
i think thats what time sense is like. this thing in your brain that makes you able to orient yourself like in relation to, like, gravity? humans float in time like astronauts float in the space station. theyve got nothing in their brain telling them whats up and down.
and i dont know physics but like gravity distorts time along with space right? thats what they told me in world enough and time right? magic space hole, dont call the lift, cybermen problem
anyway i think thats what it's like. just like feeling gravitys effects on time? and then when it disappears or gets broken, which i hc happens with the master a bit after the timelords take away the drums and then relatively soon after that they regenerate very close to a black hole TWICE. TWICE AT ONCE. i think those things together mustve really fucked with their time sense i dont think the master can orient themself very well anymore, cant tell whats up and down anymore, just always floating
#theyre showing oUT THE WINDOW TO EARTH NOW AND SEEING THE VOID OF SPACE AROUND THE EARTH IS FREAKING ME OUT HOLY SHIT#THERES NOTHING THERE#ITS JUST NIGHT#anyway i think about the masters time sense a lot#bc i think when they HAVE it. like all their life. it's already fucked#i think the drums fuck it up#or like thats a manifestation of its fucked upness#anyway i wrote that whole vault fic abt it so you know but like#i think when they have their time sense it's sort of like. a stripped screw?#or like. something that doesnt stop when it should#im trying to think how you could say that with the gravity analogy but im not sure#but i think when they have it it's like that. like kinda in overdrive? and then when they loseit#or most of it. it must be such an adjustment#like first time is so insistent and relentless and constant that it Hurts and then all of a sudden it's so hard to feel#you feel like youre floating all the time#first youre dizzy one way for all of your life and then youre finally used to it and they take it away so now youre dizzy ANOTHER way#the master on earth in their first years after regenerating not only manually transing their gender but also#trying to adjust to this new disability#and then finding hte doctor and not only are they now sudddenly this super special person in your eyes#but also they seem to be doing FINE#you got fucked up like three times over in your attempt to be friends with them and they just MOVED ON
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ah, the ever-more-frequent Urge To Explode My Brain from unending migraines. a migraine that just lasts the day already sucks so bad. whole day is gone in a blur of pain and misery, right ? a migraine that lasts multiple days is sort of like if hell was real and you were in it. time has no meaning, only pain, etc.
months of migraines... with no break or end or effective treatment and also you still have to work and behave like a normal person because you cannot lie in bed for months not paying rent. well id describe it you but ive fucking lost the plot. its gone on so long and its so bad that when the migraine ISN'T at its peaking on the pain scale and making me feel like if i was hit by a truck that would be an improvement, i start to feel like my head is a vestigial organ that has been removed. cant access sensation in my head and it feels literally disconnected from my body. meanwhile the pain is still there (along with the brain fog, vertigo, nausea, etc) but it feels like its happening to somebody else.
#im kind of impressed that i can at this point carry a normal conversation (as good as i ever can. which is bad but irrelevant)#while being in agony and having been in agony for as long as i can remember#usually also with something dislocated just for some extra fun#because what i actually feel like doing 100% of the time is lighting myself on fire and/or screaming forever until i die#however thats the kind of shit that puts you in the psych ward again#so i am. smiling and making small talk while migraine auras wash out my vision and i try not to visibly dry heave#its really really really fucking bad. all the time so fucking bad.#i need to message my neurologist but likelihood of me doing that is low#because 1) the stuff she's put me on has so far done nothing but add intolerable side effects to the hell that i am already existing in#and 2) its fucking hard to do anything. even the bare minimum im not doing. so extra shit is just. not happening#i want to scream.#i am gonna. go for a walk and smoke a cigarette instead and then get really high because at least then i dont really care#the auras are making it really hard to see though. theyre like bleach all over my vision. just this wash of white#hhh.#chronic illness#chronic migraine#and its like. when my knee also gives out and it feels like theres metal in there slicing everything up with each tiny movement#or any of the other one million goddamn things broken in my body#i end up so overwhelmed by pain that i just want to lay on the floor and cry#at which point everyone around me gets mad that im not being productive and im costing them money and im not good enough#like ok kill me then. cheaper for you happier for me. just get a heavy object and go to town i would thank you for it#but i cant even say that because openly expressing suicidality just makes people angrier#im rapidly running out of fucks to give but also i will do anything to avoid returning to the psych ward#literally anything. morals out the window. i dont give a shit.#so its a catch-22.#vent
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Why can't I be satisfied with everything? It needs to be perfect to me and I can't accept anything otherwise :(
#mine#oh boy here we go. guy last post was about has been pretty cool and i got flustered around him a few times#but i feel bad bc. i need m o r e he isnt insane enough he isnt making me go absolutely crazy i want to be satisfied but im NOT im sorry#like its quite honestly the most attention acceptance etc ive gotten but its not ENOUGH he doesnt die whenever i send a selfie#im never satisfied WHY i have unrealistic expectations !!!! i hate my brain killing and violence and death etc#i get crushes on guys who want nothing to do with me but then when one actually wants me its not enough? what is wrong with me#thrill of the chase? i cant accept being loved? what is it brain. christ almighty. im not doing anything like deliberately yandere related#anymore im just being generally incomprehensibly mentally ill 🙄 still trying to find a therapist but idk how on earth ill explain that#ill update this post tomorrow with more insanity but for now i am the sleepy tired#// ok its now 3 days later i dont feel like making another post. i think i was just having a mental illness moment as always#because he does make me insane. hashtag girl. im trying to be the smartest and calculated i have ever been with a relationship in my life#like im thinkin about it so hard bro. the future n shit. how would this relationship go. im so scared ill do something wrong its preventing#me from doing things RIGHT. im sad becaude i flipped out today over even imagining him being upset with me a little#so i was really embarrassed and it put me in a weird mood for the rest of the night but he reassured me he doesnt hate me or want me to die#every one aaalways says theyre different. i can only hope this one is telling the truth. i dont know what ill do if he isnt.#well i need to stop whining about fictional scenarios and focus on the good stuff in reality. i get along with him very well and he#is very niceys to me :3 he doesnt think im fucking insane or stupid for overreacting. i feel very comfortable gossiping and talking w him#every long time blog viewer of mine reading this like ah shit here we go again#but thats what im here for. i guess. just have to keep doing this shit until something good finally happens to me romantically hngh#i feel so strange because i have wanted and yearned for a relationship but now that i actually could have one im like WAIT#I DIDNT THINK ID GET THIS FAR 💀💀💀 bruh. and he doesnt even think im stupid hes respectful to me he checks in on me all the time#like perhaps the only person to ever actually almost match my energy in a romantic sense. there was [redacted] i guess but he didnt love me#he listens to me talk about my problems he doesnt think i complain or overreact too much. all the ridiculous cringe shit i do#he doesnt mind it. its nice to be able to be myself. and im really proud of myself for not rushing into a relationship right away
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#man im really tired of having feelings for him. i should really just keep my distance and go back to dating apps#i long for the connection we have and hate having to build up something brand new#but im really tired of feeling butt hurt everytime he sleeps with our roommate#like yeah we broke up over a year ago. and still casually do shuff. its just hard for me to turn off that side of my brain#i just want to feel loved and be held by someone without having to build the foundation all over again#ive been depressed the past few days because of it. i act irrationally and cant control my feelings#overall its better if i just let them fuck around and i try to find someone new. only problem is im anxious and not a good conversationalist#plus i hate messaging people over phone. too much anxiety abt what im saying and if the other person enjoys me or not#anyways it sucks seeing the subtle evidence that they went at it while i was away. i have no right to be upset but i cant help but think of#him as more than a friend. i cant and shouldnt but we had dated 6 years previously. its a bit difficult to turn that switch off now#dammit i guess tonight im gonna sleep alone again and try not to cry. whatever gotta get over myself and move on. have to stop only thinking#of my self and being so damn possessive all the time#ash rambles#fuck i feel worse now after typing all that out yippee..
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having a whats the point of it day
#.txt#ill be fine im just struggling and need to vent#but man whats the point. i cant keep things clean. i cant get my shit together. i can barely even try and be healthy#i hate almost every emotion i have because i dont feel like im ever expressing it right or feeling it right#and im probably not bc awtism#im so tired again all the time#every couple of months i get like this and im like ill be better we can get things together#and i do one thing and then let it all build up again#i want to be better but i barely have the energy to be good#i get upset and angry at myself so easy and i want to hit myself but thats bad#i feel like im faking it all anyways and its not that hard. that im just being a baby#so its fucking stupid to feel like this anyways#but if i cant get around it then whats the god damn point!!!#my day off and im spending it trying not to cry in bed#i was gonna get up and go to the park but whats the point. im just gonna go back to sleep like i always do#and waste my life#and somehow still be tired after and make everything bad#whatever maybe when i stop crying ill clean something and pretend it makes me feel better#upsetting andrew with this lol. love being the worst <3
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does your mood ever just get completely ruined remembering every embarrassing thing youve ever said
#the amount of times ive made shit attempts at fitting in at work through the mutual teasing everyone does but like#going in way too hard and making everyone uncomfortable#i love when i do that#or when i say something really fucking stupid that makes me laugh but everyone just kinda looks around in silence#also another favorite of mine 💔 FUCK MAN#i know people joke abt being awkward and stuff but THIS AINT QUIRKY#THIS IS EMBARRASSING . AND JUST PLAIN AWFUL#like one time i was messing around and my boss was making jokes abt how hes my favorite or something#and said something abt getting a hug from me (not as creepy as im describing#i really just dont remember specifics)#and i deadass said 'i have never wanted to hug you a day in my life' AND EVERYONE WENT 😶 and i walked away BFJFJG#MF LITERALLY FOLLOWED ME INTO THE BREAK ROOM TO BE LIKE 'hey we're cool right'#LIKE BRO I DIDNT EVEN PICK UP ON HOW AWKWARD IT MADE EVERYONE FEEL UNTIL AFTER I WAS LIKE...YEAH DUDE I WAS TOTALLY JUST KIDDING....#*painful realization of how unfunny it was to say that*#WHICH HONESTLY. unfair bc i can name a coworker specifically thats mean as shit on purpose as a joke and has made fun of me multiple times#LIKE HE SAYS HARSHER SHIT AND ITS LANDED IDK HOW THE FUCKER DOES IT 💔#maybe i should just not try and joke like that#its just so bad idk how to relate to people or. be natural and just hang out#how tf do people just DO THAT.#anyway sorry for the huge rant i just needed to get it out of my system bc holy fuck man 😭 ITS SO BADDD#bug.txt
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#this is just a little vent/update on some stupid shit going on on here regarding someone i won’t name#but i need to talk about it and vent bc im so frustrated at this whole thing#so i cut a friend off recently.. told them in a *very* heated message how i felt about all the terrible shit they'd said and done recently#and demanded they do not try to contact me anymore and blocked them immediately after#no surprise 5mins later i got two anons from them in my inbox trying to start a fight however i blocked the IP after those two#i even went so far as to disable my webpage for a few days to try and deter them both from sending anons and from stalking my page#and i shouldnt have had to unblock them to tell them for the second time to leave me alone and to stop trying to start things with me#because the last time we argued it was six weeks of emotional damage that i am still really messed up from#after all this it was radio silence - or so i thought#because i've received word now twice that this person has been saying untrue things to friends of friends#trying to start drama and rumours all because i cut them off and they didn't get that fight and that last word they so desperately need ?#i just…why? why why why? why does everything have to become a drama? this is why narcissists scare me..#it took me over a year to realize thats what they are and that id been manipulated so fucking bad.. which is nothing short of embarassing#the way this anxiety has been weighing on my chest lately and dulling my time here is something that shouldnt be happening#im so so tired of all of it.. the drama and the fights and the rumours.. i physically cannot go through this kind of thing again#idk if anyone is reading this but im sorry for being so absent and unresponsive and (often times) really negative on my blog#its just so hard to be happy and positive and excited when this potential drama is looming over me day after day ya know?#im trying to push through and be here because i genuinely WANT to be here but its so fucking exhausting sometimes im constantly paranoid#i pray things will come to a rest and nothing will explode bc mentally i cannot take it anymore and i wont be sticking around in that case#i refuse to put myself through the emotional trauma that nicole put me through again. i REFUSE. so if i suddenly deactivate this is why.#but i wont be going down alone thats for sure#c.text
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sometimes i see non autistics write headcanons abt what probably went on in an autistic char they arent writings head and i just ‘yeah, yeah you have no idea how autistics think at all lol’ like yes its a spectrum, yes we’re all different, and youre still managing to pretend we’re neurotypical like—
#out.#‘well to ever even DO that you have to—‘ no. no you dont.#if youre not autistic maybe. our brains do not think or process things the way yours does#and when a char hits so many scales that every autistic who sees them agrees theyre autistic? (aka t/ony s/tark. b/ruce w/ayne. c/assandra#c/ain. n.ewt s/camander. h u n d r e d s m o r e)#you have to understand that our brains do not process information the way yours does#autism is in fact genetic so theres a good chance that if a blood relative has it#youre also somewhere on the spectrum#but ffs stop making everything ‘it has to be xyzabcde’ no. no it doesnt.#we overthinks every minute detail. and in a lot of cases like bruce in 2022#its hard to get into the headspace of someone did something bad but they are not bad#even w ourselves half the time when i fuck up i think im worthless horribel and garbage#rejection sensitivity and being lied to are HUGE factors here#and it takes a LOT to wrap our heads around it#esp if we don’t know we’re autistic and arent there yet#like bruce in the film onviously struggles immensely with his heroistic view of his father#until he realizes thomas is a prick and then hes all bad#and alfred tries to salvage it but bruce has to come to terms with he did good things but also bad things#even w other family he has to wrap his brain around that bc trying to better himself its not gonna be instant#tony is so fucking easy to manipulate bc all you have to do is make him feel guilty abt something#and he does everything to mask and make others want to view him in a better light and fix what went wrong.#we need that deeper explanation we need more facts#and for some of us coughs bruce coughs#we struggle w seeing anything mot in black and white when we ourselves arent black and white#hipocritical maybe in some cases we at least have a bit of an excuae#all im saying is please for the love of FLUFF stop thinking of auts the way you think of neurotypicals because we ARENT#i think almost everyone im mutuals w is also autistic thankfully so thats why i dont see it ok the dash happening#but dear god man go into tags and you wanna die
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#*problems occur on a project multiple ppl r working on* my boss @ me: what do u wanna do?#me. disastrously burnt out: i couldnt not even to give a fuck abt all this. i dont care i dont care i dont care#but thats not what i say. i say ok ill talk to the ppl and see how i can drop everything to help. and that probably means driving an hour#away to the other uni which is irrationally terrifying to me to the point where it will probably destroy my whole week a prevent me from#sleeping when i already am struggling to sleep. but its fine. ill get it done and itll be fine. for this stupid fucking project i dont#care abt. ay its so weird. ive never been this angry abt things. i mean its not even really anger its more dispair and frustration but it#manifests as just wanting to scream and throw a fit like a toddler. and i mean its my fault. i dont have to live the way that i do. i mean#i do but in an irrational compulsive way that i cant entirely control. but like its Saturday and i sepent 6 and a half hours taking#measurements and then met with my boss for like an hour and she was showing me cool imagines and talking abt cool new collaborators at her#new school and im just sitting there trying to maintain a smile bc my brain is semi disconnected from my body and im so exhausted#ugh. my brain is so fucked rn. i dont want to drive with even lower functioning thsn usual. and i was gonna meet my friend Tuesday morning#for once. and i might have to drive back and forth multiple days. ans what's my reward if were successful? two fucking weeks of watering#and measurement taking and i might have to stand around other ppl in all that time as well. usually im off spinning in circles by myself#amd looking unapproachable. i dont want to have to b a person around the undergrads#god im so weird. its like from the outside perspective if u were looking thru the window at me u would see me using a hammer and assume im#putting something together and i am but im also hammering nails thru my hand which no one asked me to do#so then why do i have to do it? ugh. thats y its a hard thing to complain abt bc ppl r like oh it sounds like ur compulsive habbits make u#productive and successful and yea sure but they're also destroying my life. im laying on the floor doubled over in pain and ppl r like oh#look how useful u r. who gives a fuck everything feels stretched and distorted like im suffering some sort of selfimposed Devin punishment#whatever. fuck this. tomorrow ill try my hardest to relax. literally i cant remember the last time i stayed in bed until at least 7am. ugh#but i also have some bullshit i have to get done tomorrow so well see#uuuuuugh let me leave this place @ schools send me ur official offers pls i wanna plan out my life for the next 5yrs#unrelated
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yay weed
#the bin#i shoudk save my money but im not going to. this is the closest thing i have to antidepressants and actually effective pain killers so#whatever. it helps with my anxiety too. it helps with almost everything. unless im in a lot of pain and then it makes that pain way worse#if i have a more than minor headache then it makes that way worse and if something specific hurts really REALLY bad then its not good#but if not then it fixes most of my stuff. its temporary but it whaatever works :/ and the next day is usually pretty good too#its not THAT expensive. ive been getting the cheapest option around me and its not terrible. i wish i could have less but alas#i envy ppl who can do 10mgs and have it help and have a good time. i have 10mg and everything sucks#everything still hurts. my brain is still very much on. im just unable to see straight and my walking gets weird and my mouth gets dry#and nothing is enjoyable. it just sucks. 15 is ok but its not really worth it to me honestly. its kinda boring. if im soending this money#then it has to be good. better to have a much better experience than to save a little bit of money and have several less good ones#that are barely worth it anyway. hhh. my sister is being less weird abt it now at least.#i kinda fucking hate that this works so well but when i oull the 'it shuts my tourettes completely off' card ppl suddenly get very ok with#any amount i wanna have however often. its deeply insulting but also very expected. at least its convenient for me in this case#with my mom its not that insulting i guess. last time she was around mw very often my tics eere real bad and they were obviously very#unpleasant for me. but its mostly bc everything there was so stressful and overwhelming all the time and ut made it far worse#but shes actually pretty normal abt it. at leasts he is now#its rare that people are. ppl look at me like im inhuman. i try very very hard not to tic around people bc of this#the ppl im around rn dont look at me weird but ive hardly ever ticced in front of them.#getting high also helps my ocd so much which is huge. im glad when i move ill have a very not judgmental person to get it for me#at least my other older sister is very normal abt it. shes like yeha its ur body ur money ur choice. whatever man. and that s great.
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venting in the tags yippeee
#damien.txt#gender talk time 🤪✌️#....................................................................................#screaming crying throwing up rolling around on the ground <- said completely deadpan#uhm. as always. thinking abt gender. and questioning. my whole life. bc. i cant stop doing that#soooooo like. my big thing. abt gender. is as much as im like. he/they-ing it here and irl. its kind of... complicated?#as ive gone on ive realized more and more that i dont. really. feeling Anything towards those pronouns#neither do i she/her. or they/them.#and just generally the whole Concepts of male/female? so like. im always like hmm. whats happening here#and other completely incoherent statements djbdhdbf sorrry anyways#i keep having these moments where im like. hmm. maybe. im leaning too hard into the masc. maybe i am not. he at all.#but ive like. really full committed to the bit yknow? like esp irl. all the ppl ive introduced myself to in the last 2 years have known me#as 'he'. and as someone who wears mostly masc clothing and generally attempts to present masc#and like. i bought a skirt a while ago and i was trying it on today and i was like oh. wait.#and before u @ me i KNOW!! clothing does not equal gender!! but there was just something abt it#and recently (the past like. year lmao) ive really been contemplating like. what i actually want out of transitioning or whatever#bc like. increasingly its become more obvious how... fucking difficult that is.#and the more i think abt it the more im like. bro its not even worth it for me? tbh? also like. sometimes i look in the mirror and am like#hmm. this does not feel better than it did when i hadnt transitioned at all. yknow?#like the last 10+ years ive been existing in this state w my body where im basically just. tolerating it. ignoring it. even.#and that hasn't... changed. after t. and ik thats not like the fix-all but its got me wondering if some of it/a lot of it#is just body dysmorphia? rather than dysphoria? bc like. god knows i have that too.#and just. idk. i feel Really Really anti-gender most of the time. would in fact. not like to be conceived of at all.#but on some level im trying to think abt it practically bc if that ^ is my thoughts on gender fr. i have to decide whats worth it#and like. i miss cool clothes. god men's clothing is so fucking boring. holy fuck.#and AGAIN i KNOW gender doesnt equal clothes but also like. i am Aware to the wider world it still works like that#and truly if i rocked up to work/class in a skirt everyone would be like What The Fuck#and i kind of want to!! but im also scared of that reaction lol#AHHHH why must gender be so complicated. i want to lay on the floor#lol there was literally more but i ran out of tags LMAOO sorry everyone. gender complicated. peace ✌️
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dunmeshi mithruncore (every day I can’t get up to make myself eat at all or get up to use the bathroom or fall asleep or actually do more to help myself unless im told to or someone physically Makes me do it or I finally manage to do so for the first time very very late in the day cuz I forced myself to out of fear)
#im in hell#that thing he said about not being able to sleep without magic or meds is so real#my sleep treatments even stopped working gradually#and if I don’t take any at all im laying awake until fuckinf 7 am#it takes me like an hour of holding it in to use the fuckinf bathroom#and the thing that makes me move is being terrified of kidney failure#it’s 6 pm and I still haven’t eaten my first meal of the day. tried ripping into a protein bar I had saved for moments like this but I can’t#make myself take more than 2 bites#the amount of times these past few years I’ve practically passed out from hunger cuz I just. cannot make myself get up to eat or make myself#something. omfgggggggff#I literally am a magic practitioner and have helped myself with spell work many times in the past yet I just can’t. make myself utilize it#more. yet I have all these books and supplies to use. and I’ve studied for hours and hours and know what to do#and it’s crazy cuz when im high off the sleep treatment THEN I actually do things but I don’t wanna use that more cuz im afraid of getting#addicted uhm. yeah idk what to even do anymore#my bf helps tremendously with leading me to do things but I don’t wanna take advantage of him too much and he’s long distance#but jesus fuck im literally on adderall now but its my emotional problems that keep it from working#it’s like wtf happened#I can’t fucking do anything unless someone’s there to guide me through it or keep me engaged as I work or they push me to in some way#and it’s like wow. cuz I want independence more than anything#it’s crazy cuz I related with his old self to the T especially with the desires and competitivity problems and trying to gain things he#doesn’t even actually want just for leverage and a sense of worth and the ‘if im not on the top on everything i dont have actual worth’thing#and other stuff I can’t remember off the top of my head. and I actually had friends and was more talkative#but now it’s like#🪿#yk what I mean#there’s a shitload of other things I relate too hard with but I can’t remember rn or I won’t mention cuz too much to go into#my bf said if he were around irl he’d cook for me and help with stuff when I go thru being like this nonstop which hey nice cuz obv id help#him with anything too#I mean there’s days where im better and can Do Things but it never lasts long and it sucks I can’t ever trust myself having a job or#I had all these things I wanted to do but I just feel nothing toward it and it drives me insane like can this maybe Not happen so often
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