#if youre not autistic maybe. our brains do not think or process things the way yours does

[drdemonprince]

if you ever have the time and space to answer this i'd be very thankful

how can i take any let downs by friends less personal and continue giving people chances/inviting them in and being vulnerable without hurting myself/gettung hurt in the process? i'm guessing the answer is to find a balance, but are there ways to go about it easier? no matter how much i try to communicate and and manage expectations... i appreciate my friends greatly, but still i often feel let down when they cant come to things that are important to me though i understand that things can happen and theres usually reasons for not being able to make something and i am not their priority number one in a system that exhausts all of us- it just keeps happening and i don't want to grow bitter and alone but cherish the people in my life and trust they are trying their best

I think you can start by practicing being more flaky and unreliable and more reliant up on your friends' grace as well! When we feel resentful, it is often a sign that we are doing far too much, and not having our needs cared for. I used to be one of the most reliable mother fuckers around -- it was my senior superlative, actually, Most Reliable! ha! -- and I resented just about everyone for being less put together, less likely to follow through, less prone to doing what they said and saying what they'd do than me. I was a bitter little Type A overachieving cunt who considered myself superior to everyone (in part because my hyper literal Autistic ass believed that if you said you were going to do something, that meant you absolutely Had to Do It and Why Would Anybody Lie about a thing like that?)

Today I am a fuckin MESS and I am a much better person for it. I amble up just barely on time, I cancel plans, I forget things, I tell someone I can't make it even if in the most literal sense I could but I don't feel like it -- and many of my friends are tired, spent, fuzzy brained exhausted messes too! And it's fine! I have some friends that I regularly rely upon to cancel our plans because it frees up a little extra room in my schedule that I always wind up needing. I'm not mad or disappointed in them for bailing, my ass is relieved because I definitely have some shit to get to myself and probably four other people that I'm kinda letting down at the moment. It's not that any of us lack concern for one another, that's just what being a busy adult is in this day and age. We have work and creative pursuits and lots of friends and fucking and exercise and tile to regrout. Shit happens. It's not a big deal if I end up needing to see the movie solo or if we need to reschedule our breakfast date. Shit happens. I have too many actual problems to make a problem out of someone having a hangover and not being able to show up to my birthday or whatever. I missed their birthday last year, but I'll make it there this year, and maybe next time they'll make mine, too. The grace of accepting chaos washes it all away. My friends are my fellow comrades in the fuckin trenches and we each get to make one another's tours a little less miserable by understanding shit's crazy and fucked and that none of it is personal and that at the end, we still love eachother and are doing our best.

With time, may you find that kind of serenity and that ability to just keep on moving in life rather than fixating on the little slights and unpredictable things that will happen whether we fight them or not. Don't read too much into anyone's cancellation of plans or lateness or flakiness. Put your mind toward more interesting problems in your life, ones that some thinking can help solve. Easier said than done, but you'll get there. If my bitter anal retentive ass could become so sloppy and lovingly blase so can you!

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

As per usual, I was talking to a client this week about autistic cognitive processing and I felt the sand shifting under my feet. So I come here to you Tumblr to do my own autistic cognitive processing in the hopes of better serving myself and my clients.

I have known for a long time that I can't process my thoughts and emotions verbally. This is what sometimes leads to me getting frustrated, "stuck," and increasingly pressurized towards my meltdown threshhold when I'm trying to express a half-formed thought or need. This is why I often choose to process my cognition in writing. It allows me to sift about in the sands of my mind, sliding to and fro, checking and rechecking, until I find what I need.

There is something to the capacity to shape my communication more freely and without the preesure that I put myself under which often leads to stammering, stuttering, aphasia, confusion, and my inability to hold something as ephemeral as language in my head long enough to manipulate it like clay with my hands. Words are not my brain's mother tongue in the first place, and it can be a welcome relief to truly take the slowed pace I need to translate my thoughts into a language others will understand.

Some others. I am well aware of who I learned my translation process from and of how that has made my translations inaccessible to some of the very people who share my brain.

The thing is, to learn to speak at all when your brain processes this slowly takes enormous effort. To learn to CHANGE your speech is back breaking. I have been trying for fifteen years.

Autistic cognitive processing pace and the disabling ramifications aren't things we talk about often. It's one reason some of us become obsessed with having back up plan upon back up plan (because we literally cannot think fast enough to keep up with the demands of our lives). It's one of the fastest paths to burnouts and meltdowns. It's part of why we are unable to keep up with the demands of social interactions, especially in large groups (too many social cues moving too quickly to be processed at pace and we drop the ball in the moment even if we realize later).

Because the pace of our cognition is chronically slowed, we are chronically disabled socially, emotionally, cognitively, etc, and we are forced to spend an incredible amount of mental and physical energy either compensating for that, recovering from it, or both. That is energy and resources neurotypical people get to spend on other things in their lives, maybe a project or hobby, a relationship, hell, just relaxing.

There can be upsides to it. This slowed cognition seems to be related to how the process of bottom-up analysis functions during cognitive processes in Autistic folks' brains. That bottom-up analysis is a really interesting cognitive processing style that seems to be responsible for increased pattern recognition! So a lot of how we're able to analyze, learn, understand, mimic, etc based on pattern recognition is thanks to this processing style. It helps us take in a holisticly detail oriented view of the things we look at, which can (with support) make us great researchers, investigative journalists, and inventers.

But while the upsides have become more discussed as we've become more willing to see Autism itself as neutral (a very good thing in my opinion), we sometimes forget the other side of the coin.

I often find myself trying to brute force my way through my processing pace. It always ends badly. And that's really the trouble. I can talk most of the time, but I can talk A LOT faster than I can process my thoughts. So most of the time my words are just. Garbage. Sounds. If you ask my to speak to you, you are asking me to fill up soundwaves because realistically my brain moves at about 25% of the speed of the conversation.

It's why as a clinician I have to be so incredibly careful what I do and say and how I hear my clients because I *truly* am processing what the tell me at auch a significant delay. It can sometimes be days later when the information truly settles into place.

The same is obviously true in my personal life! It can take me days or even weeks to figure out what a single thought or feeling means in the context of my own life because I have to process that often entirely alone or just on paper. Not because no on one WOULD help me I have people in my life who would be willing but because by the time talking to someone would be any help, I would have basically figured it out enough to just say it out loud and I don't really need their help by then. There are rare exceptions to this when I do definitely seek help but it can be so frustrating to be trapped, voiceless, in your own emotions.

I don't have a framework for this, only the suggestion to embrace the slowness. I have found that when you are not constantly fighting against it all the time, it feels a little more like home, a little more like it's working FOR your instead of AGAINST you.

[clt009-wearehere]

Learning and Being Taught

Okay, so, my autistic ass had a flash of insight that I wanted to pass along. Maybe this is just for me, maybe y'all got this on lockdown BUT on the off-chance someone out there in the dark can profit from this... Welp, here you go.

I hate(d) being taught new things. Especially new skills.

I wanted to LEARN. I wanted to get better at what I enjoy doing because I love writing and drawing, and I'm not happy with my current skill level at either. But something hurt whenever I tried learning from a lesson plan, something deep inside that I didn't understand. Between the autism, the ADHD, the depression and the anxiety... sometimes I just have to stop when my body or mind pulls the breaks, and accept that I can't go further until I've processed or moved past whatever thingamajiggit in my brain has gotten stuck on. And it always happens eventually, just a matter of prodding until I find the right lump in my mental tracheae, or someone says something that knocks the block loose.

This time, I read a tutorial that changed everything. (I've already reblogged it but again, here it is.) It's not your average tut - The artist blitheringbongus openly admits they aren't conventional in how they do what they do, and ends the tutorial with the important statement:

REMINDER There is NO wrong or right way to do art, this is simply how I do it, I don't follow my own rules most of the time as well, I dont believe rules in art do or should exsist, do your own thing, go wild, if you think it looks rad thats all that matters. Let your art be fun Let your art be you.

THAT was the problem.

When you learn from someone, and are taught, it's easy - in fact, almost inevitable - that you feel the pull to do exactly as they do. Many teachers demand an exact imitation and adoption of all their methods, actions, priorities and ideology. My way of drawing is different enough than how others typically teach and I balk at a lot of the expectation to “do as [X creator] does in every respect”. And I thought that's what I'd had to do.

But it's not. You and I can learn from someone without embracing everything that works for them and without abandoning everything that works for us. Yes, we’ll learn new ways to do things better. Yes, we’ll change and grow, even if we realize that nothing they're doing will help us because our needs and ways are different. We’re allowed to only take on what makes us better and to toss the rest. It's everyone’s choice. Because if we’ve already gotten to a skill plateau doing things a certain way, chances are that we’re ready to add some new ideas, insight, tool or practice and will be able to recognize that when we find it. We can change to get to where we want to be.

Good luck everyone. And again, @blitheringbongus, thank you for your insight.

[fishedeyelenz]

*inhales deeply* haaah….okay. Okay, this might be…rather lengthy, but please bear with me Ms. Fishy! I usually try not to leave comments on things, just cause I’m, nervous about how much I want to say lol, and then I sometimes (most of the time) come off too intense and strongly and I unfortunately have more than once maybe freaked or creeped poor innocent souls out accidentally lol. But! This is about our poor freaky attic boy! So maybe it’ll be fine lol.

Oh my goodness, so. I have, in recent times, discovered Billy….and immediately I just feel in love with him! First cause he looked so silly and cute and goofy! And because I only vaguely saw one or two things about some guy in a sweater who was either really sweaty or just intense. So I needed to know more about this little man! I mean…obviously. And the more I read about him, both on actual research trips in google, and my roaming and happy lurking or tumblr, welp I just, fell more in love with him!! Little freak boi.

But what really just….sealed my brain to him, was when I started finding fanfiction on here and ao3, that really took a step into his brain, and his very scattered and unstable thinking process, and all his behaviors, in conjunction to me hunting down and watching the actual black Christmas movie and I just…..there was one specific little fanfiction I read…I don’t remember the name or the author…but it just, broke my heart so much. It made me cry SO much, because they made him sound so much like me! In all the worst ways he was written in a way that is so familiar to me.

And so now I’m hunting for good Billy stories on ao3, and that’s where I find you! The first story I read by you was the…the snow day one if I’m naming it correctly, and oh…me hart…but then! I found Mousie!! I freaking cried. Again! Because it’s so intense reading about Billy…behaving so…SIMILAR to me….it just makes my chest and my heart fill up so tightly, and I feel my heart break for Billy, because, in my brain, I would go, “he’s like me! He’s just like me, I’m just like him…..I bet…he would like that. We wouldn’t freak each other out! If I could just hold him! If I could just hold him tight and cry with him cause I know! I know Billy! But it’s okay I promise, we’re both gonna be okay please just listen to my heart beat!” And so I, in my many many day dream stories, would day dream about all kinds of ways I would meet Billy, who would lose their marbles first, and how I would show Billy how similar we are, and how…NICE it would be to actually understand each other. To just, not feel so alone and ODD.

And this is all well and good, and I keep in my heart close to me…but! Your most recent ask! About, Billy and dilf Billy with an S/O with all kinds of ticks and stims and sensory issues….and when normal Billy is happy and goes, “your just like me..!” I freaking lost it aaaah!! My eyeballs MAY have gotten watery again lol. I’m so sorry if this is all just so silly sounding….but oh my goodness…I just…love the way you write Billy. I do it all….the hair pulling, the skin picking, the finger and skin biting…the rocking, the stuttering, the voice and word mimicking, the fear of being seen, the thoughts, the horrible loud thoughts, the URGES, the emotions that explode and make my brain either break and I have breakdowns and I’m sobbing screaming hurting myself, scared of hurting others, or I just check out, I’m out yo I’m gone babe, I just ain’t here at that moment. The fear, the slight delusions when I get bad…the shame and disgust and guilt, ugh horrible loud noises, bright lights, strong smells, bad textures, bad words, so much BAD! (Yes I’m autistic lol) but, yes believe it or not lol, I’m actually a very happy person (besides the horrors) and I’m very giggly, (overly giggly actually it a problem at times) very smiley, and I make all these little noises (though I try to contain it to when I’m alone) like I chitter and I click my throat when I’m happy and I wriggle and squirm and squeal cause there’s just so much happy pressure in me and I just shake and wiggle my hands by my side and, geez that’s all me, that’s all me and I know it’s a lot and I’m reading and seeing it all in Billy and it’s…gee it’s so overwhelmingly sweet to me! Reading about his bad times, and someone being sweet to him, how I wish I could be sweet to him cause heaven knows I understand, and just maybe him be sweet to me! I just….mmh! Dang. I just think we’d be friends me and him. And the way you write just fills my heart, it’s so very lovely, thank you so much for all the wonderful Billy stories.

(I know that was a lot please forgive me you straight up don’t have to respond, I just wanted you to know how lovely it all is and how I appreciate your Billy writing lol)

(But like fr I wanna freaking chew on him and shake him while growling like a freak rrrRRRGH I’ll bloody tackle him I’ll snarl at him do not TEST me Billy *deep affection*)

Oh... oh my god. You just made my day. This made me so happy you cannot believe. Thank you for taking your time to write this this ask, it first shocked me (in a good way lol) and then i started grinning and crying. It makes me so so so happy to see my goofy stories resonate with people and when you guys come and compliment me I go AAAAAAAHH- <3333

I never would have thought my fics would resonate so much. I started writing them in desperation from a lack of content after I read every fic that I possibly could, and I thought I could write my own. I remember posting my first few fics and waiting for my first comment <3 I never would have thought my work would become so well liked!!!

I'm glad Billy is relatable. I'm glad he is a good depiction of various things you and many others go through. One of my biggest fears was that I would miss the mark, that he would come off as a caricature, or shallow or offensive or or.... but the most frequent positive comment I get consistently is that my characterization is spot on. So much of myself I put into my depiction of him, so so much. And I'm glad you feel that way. I'm glad you wasn't to reach out and hold him, and tell him that it's okay and there are people there who get you. Everybody needs that, even if you can only express that to a freaky fictional attic killer, as strange as it sounds lol <3

I'm just... I'm glad that you like my work. I'm so glad and I know I'm rambling but I don't know how to otherwise express my gratitude. I have been going through a minor crisis in art, cause I know the things I do on here or on ao3 aren't something that would be highly appreciated by my irls, and they would think it was a waste of time, and a crisis about when I will start making art as a full time job and will I make it. You gave me reassurance that I am not wasting my time, that even if the art would be seen as "lower" by some people the resonance and importance of it can be boundless to others. And you also gave me hope that I'll make it one day. Thank you so much. Billy would be your friend. Take care.

[echologname]

♾️Autistic and Christian✝️

I CHOSE God, more like, He chose me and reached out to me with His love, but my point stands. Some think autistic individuals are too trusting and guillable, and I think that HIGHLY depends on each individual because no autistic person is quite the same as another. So, no, this faith was not forced upon me just because I was taught it from a young age. In fact, that's the LAST thing my parents wanted! No matter the age, they let my siblings and I choose if we wanted to go to Church or not. I was in several youth groups and LOVED them and that I had a community to help me as a teen. Even when I didn't want to have anything to do with Christianity (I was young and angsty and wanted to rebel), I still went with my Nana on Sundays and volunteered with the Youth Ministry because, I love my family and you just gotta help them out. I came back to God because I NEED Him, I needed His healing and His love and there was NO where else to rest my hopes in than Him.

Sometimes being spiritual isn't easy for autistic individuals because a lot of times, nothing's "concrete," it's all feelings and whispers in your mind, it's not always tangible. Like God doesn't text, I can't DM Him a question and get a reply that'll soothe any fears and doubts (that's what The Bible's for, anything that ever needs to be said, can be found there). So, how am I supposed to know what The Holy Spirit is saying when it's not a voice speaking as clear as day? I just trust that God knows how I function and if He REALLY has something to say, He'll get the message across somehow.

This relates, and we can maybe have more doubts than neurotypical siblings in Christ, because we can have minds like tunnel vision, it's not always easy to understand abstract concepts in The Bible's teachings, and a lot of times, we don't even know if we're hungry or not, so, how are we supposed to know how we feel about God when our poor interoception doesn't even tell us what's going on in our bodies. Also, we can be way more sensitive and emotional than NTs or the opposite and not display much emotion. All of these spiritual experiences are completely shaped in different ways because how our brains process and interpret our whole lives differently.

So, being spiritually attacked by demons is hard enough but a lot of us have varying mental health issues on top of it.

Also, being Christian is being a part of the COMMUNITY. It's common for us to have poor social skills, so, either we misunderstand someone or they misunderstand us in the infinite unspoken ways of body language and it creates a rift that neither sides know how to bridge.

I don't always have answers for other autistics or Christians but I'd like to share that sometimes, it makes it harder to be a Christian but sometimes easier due to our heightened sensitivity to the world around us because that's where we find God, in Creation and the faint nudges He gives us.

I have a very analytical brain and above average language comprehension processing (one of my special interests is learning different languages) and LOVE to read and write, so, Bible study is fun and easy for me but I understand not for everyone.

But no matter what ability or neurotype you are, God has a beautiful and unique path for each of us and has called all of us to use our skills and abilities for good in different ways.

I praise you because you made me in an amazing and wonderful way.What you have done is wonderful.I know this very well.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ps.139.14&version=ICB

[birdofmay]

4 April: Were/are you in special education? Regular school? Home schooled? A private school? Did it change over time? Did/do you like it?

Right, so I want to talk about "special education when you don't have ID" in this post.

I was mostly at private schools because special ed in my country is mostly for people with ID or with pronounced physical disabilities that make going to a regular school impossible. Some are for blind or deaf people without ID, but that's rare.

Special ed for autistics is aimed at those with ID. The only real-life friend I have has dyspraxia and CAS (and autism), so he's in special ed for physically disabled people while not having ID, and that's in fact beneficial for him. He's lucky that they adapt the curriculum in a way that he's motivated and "sufficiently pushed". That's one of the very few situations where "special education for people without ID" turns out fine in our country.

There's this problem that most special ed pupils without ID become so called "I-Kinder" - school kids who are disabled but have to try to find their way around in regular schools while having 1:1 aides and accommodations, etc. This is good for some, but hell on earth for most. But nobody cares about the latter. For some reason our government thinks that special ed has to be avoided at all costs. When it actually would be just right for so so many autistics.

So I was at a Montessori elementary school (I really liked that), and then from 5th grade on at a mixed private school "for people with a different learning style" because they thought that maybe giving me the possibility to learn "advanced niche subjects" would motivate me and the possibility to adapt the curriculum would prevent demanding too much of me.

As many of you know, that went well at first, but when rote learning wasn't enough to pass tests anymore and you actually had to understand things, I was absolutely lost and things got too complicated. Which is why I finished school earlier than most.

Many people at my school were gifted ADHDers, actually. Some were gifted but NT (as in quite smart but still NT). We all had in common that, according to our IQ, we could learn well, but that wasn't possible at regular public schools. Be it distractibility, unable to read walls of text, thinking too abstract and being 3 steps ahead all the time, being a visual learner, etc. You name it.

I think we all were great rote learners and "abstract thinkers", which is why I liked it up to 7th grade. But then I realised the difference between what held them back (bright but different learning style) and me (brain damage and slow processing).

I think special ed for people without ID can be good for physical disabilities or delays because sometimes school is combined with physical therapy, etc. And it can be good for blind and deaf people without ID because you learn important things to find your way around in a world that's mostly inaccessible to blind and deaf people.

But otherwise special ed really only is made for people with ID in my country, especially when it comes to autism. And why's that? Because for some reason our government thinks that those without ID need to try to go to a regular school at all costs 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

[huntingsys]

hi there! i dont follow your stuff but i wanted to ask for your opinion on something since youre a autistic system.

im apart of an autistic system, and recently ive been feeling like im not myself. my mannerisms have changed, my mood has changed, and even my mindset has changed. most notably is my mannerisms, which is why the autistic part is important. nothing in my life has really changed, which is why i know its not that.

recently ive been expressing myself/acting in a different way, which feels better than how i did before, so i think i mightve been masking heavily and now that im expressing myself in a way that feels more natural i feel better.

HOWEVER, i've felt recently like a part of me is missing, like a chunk of my identity was tore away. i also literally cannot remember a serious chunk of my trauma with one person when i could recount ~80% of it before.

my latest headmate (to my knowledge) formed about a month ago, and i think ive started feeling this way about a week after that. i still feel like that.

i cant recall a time (recently) where ive felt this way so intensely, so im wondering if you think this could be because of my autism or if its system related, like a split thats just been extremely intense. idk? i usually dont notice when we split other than the increased migraines and the sometimes blurry identity :[

ahhh idk! sorry if this was too long, im not good at explaining stuff :P

hi mate :]

we’ve had very similar experiences to what you’ve been explaining, specifically with our protector and our old host. both times something happened which caused a large shift and splits.

sometimes an alter might split from another and take certain aspects of their mannerisms/personality with them. you might not realise until a little while after that it has actually happened, which could potentially explain what happened to you. that’s what went on with the old host- renny split from him and took a lot of his personality with him.

however i totally get the masking thing. we all express our special interests openly now and that has felt much more comfortable, but we also went through a period of questioning- especially when a couple introjects/fictives began popping up ((stares at funtime foxy who appeared out of NOWHERE))

i guess one of the biggest things to note is that these things are absolutely gonna overlap- maybe the process of unmasking caused your brain to go “oh hold on what are you doing here” and hit the split button. it’s one of those things which are gonna be near impossible to find one specific answer for.

all you can really do is (when possible) talk to your headmates about the recent split, if they noticed the similarities between the two of you, but also the split directly if they’re comfortable. you’re all in this together. they might not have all the answers, and it may just end up being a case of just letting these things happen.

i wish you the best though!! you got this <3

- JAMIE 🖇️

[femme-enby]

Does anyone else sometimes just think… “why am I like this?”

Not necessarily in a self-depreciating way, but more so in like… a curious way?

Like… I have to wonder, what would I have been like if my parents had been capable of communicating with each other healthily? If they had divorced earlier when the issues really started? If they had gotten professional help?

What would I be like if they were the type of parents who got their kids tested, did research, and tried to help their kids by making the home more accessible?

What would I be like if my parents had made our home a place where I felt safe expressing my emotions? What if they had taught me actual healthy ways of emotional regulation, processing my emotions, and expressing them?

How much of how I am is related to how I was raised vs my ADHD or the fact that I’m probably Autistic?

Why do I struggle so much to express my emotions verbally, to the point where I either become snappy, shut down, or have to text people instead of verbally speaking to them when something is wrong in a personal sense?

I sometimes wish I wasn’t like that. Sometimes it seems to be the “normal” option though… but at the same time, like others have said… therapists don’t seem to know what to do with you when you’re incredibly self aware.

Like… yes, I’m well aware I’ve got trauma, I react to some things in less than healthy ways, this is the best I’ve got on being better/circumventing that bs, but like… how do I be BETTER?

And even my last therapist was like “wow, well you seem very conscious of everything” yes, and that tends to also be a part of the problem. Bc this, this self-studying thought process, is sometimes exactly the problem.

Even my own emotions end up under the microscope, I don’t know how to JUST feel them when they’re tied to like… something personally affecting me. I recognize my trauma and its impact. But what does it even mean to just… feel your emotions?

Like… mentally, imagine it like… someone studying germs or something. I see them, I take note of them existing… but then like… my therapist would ask “okay and what does it feel like when you’re stressed? What are some bodily responses you have?” Fuck if I know? I think… I get kinda sweaty maybe? But… typically in stressful situations, I just get irritated about whatever is MAKING it stressful, or I just kinda… emotionally shut down?

Like… if a situation is stressful bc someone is doing something wrong, I’m just pissed at them. In which case it’s more like mentally I’m either shit talking them or heavily critiquing them. But like… if you asked me what anger felt like…? Idk… hot? Buzzing in my brain? Anger sometimes feels like disgust, at least in this scenario- disgust towards the person. What does disgust feel like? Idk. Irritation? Frustration? Disappointment?

If a situation is stressful bc someone got hurt or something like that, I immediately just shift into “fix it” mode. Calm them down. Inspect the injury. Clean the injury if skin is broken. Treat the injury however it is meant to be treated. Entire time ensure the person is calm and knows that I’ve got em, I’m gonna patch them up/get them to someone who can patch them up. Once they are, I check if there’s anything else- need some water? Did the stress give you a headache? Need just a few more moments to collect yourself? Good? We get back to it and I either keep an eye on them or let them know that if they need help with anything else I’d be happy to.

If I’m angry bc someone is being confrontational to someone else… then it’s more… frustration mixed with this burning need for… justice? To protect? So I often put myself into harms way with little to no thought.

Why am I the way I am? Why don’t I “feel” emotions? What does that mean in a personal sense?

Is this abnormal? Why am I not normal? Why do I sometimes feel so… inhuman?

[hersheythecure]

While moving things to storage I had a couple panic attacks. Uncontrolled crying. Hyperventilating. Chest pains. Bent over ugly crying. It's so painful to watch. My body in so much pain and having to be a vessel for my traumatized parts yearly presentation.

My mind kind of absorbed the realization that it is real. Especially with the autism traits. It started going through our memories and showing me all the times we tried to rationalize concepts and wondered why someone else didn't see it that way.

How we'd try to figure out how a situation could've been prevented. How we'd observe the behaviors and place different behaviors with emotional and logical reasoning to make a situation have a better outcome.

My mind showed me. We are like an onion with our DID. How painful it is to be peeled by life. To have a disorder that hides me away until my brain is fully developed just to show me all of the horrible things my body went through. It's not by choice. It's by design. It's natural. Our brains natural response to mass trauma. Sometimes makes me wonder if autism is enviromental and trauma based or if I had an autistic brain that just got traumatized by life.

I never felt the gravity of "it's so much worse" as my mind revealed my trauma and parts to me. It's always going to get worse with this disorder because you're walking through yourself for the first time. You're seeing every crevice as your body builds resilience and your brain develops. It's like being born and having to mass absorb events that you were not even privy too. Of curse I had a shit ton of psychosis. That's a lot. For any brain. Especially one with multiple dissociative parts. I grieve for myself.

It's so heavy.

And not only am I coming to terms with actually seeing myself in a space in the world but also reliving my miscarriage in high-school. Seeing Chrissy have to go through something so traumatic with no one to speak to. Too afraid to tell her mom. The fear of being kicked out the house. It was so crushing. Knowing that I'd be discarded of for something I didn't even do. Didn't even fully understand. Guys sucked. They'd remove condoms and give us stds. I remember seeing why my teenage self gave up on condoms. If she was so responsible and still got stds and pregnant wtf was the point of using them.

It was not you. You didn't poke wholes in condoms. You didn't refuse to use condoms. You didn't refuse to take care of yourself and get tested. They did. They did not love themselves the way you loved yourself. They did not value their bodies the way you still did. Even if there are parts of us that didn't. They did not have the capacity to understand. We were switching so much we didn't even know. The MDD part was so numb and so dissociated from the world. She felt like a zombie waling around hoping someone would care about her. She'd be inside us crying and screaming and the part in the body would be looking for a male figure to protect hs and comfort us. But even then our brain must've known our dad was who made us this way. Or maybe didn't but now is piecing things together the more we learn about our past.

This world was not fit for me. I wonder if that is how people like me feel. Autistic humans. Disordered humans. I know it felt like I didn't belong here. It made me want to die. It made my little adolescent mind go to places that scared the trap out of us.

I am seeing the positive times though. When we had the dream about Nathan. The night he was conceived. I cried. It was so beautiful. I think it's on main somewhere. Back I'm 2010.

The significance of what we saw in our adolescent. The color of love we described as translucent iridescent water flowing all around us. Wow. Cool. Beautiful. Hallucinations be kinda lit sometimes. It's really just an overactive imagination. If your mind gets split up so many times your mental processes kinda get overused. Especially if different identities are present. You know how hard the brain is working to keep it's human safe while also not knowing wtf was going on. Sheesh. Stella you my dawg. You've always been keeping me safe. Thank you. I did my best.

Idk what kind of mind I have. I just know I don't want to cause people pain. I know I want to be kind to my mind because no one else is there to do so. No one. Just me.

[troglobite]

re: my lrb abt autistic processing (copied & pasted from my rambling abt it in the tags of the reblogs, then i didn't wish to be Perceived so i bailed and am posting abt it here instead)

i'm also now thinking abt something v interesting

okay so part of the reason i pursued an english degree was bc i think this process make literature analysis intuitive to me? i'm guessing

in hs we were being taught how to write higher level analytical essays, and all of the steps and assignments to learning it and parsing out the different pieces of planning and writing the essay were actively detrimental to my ability to do so

i was like STOP MAKING ME GO THROUGH A BOOK AND PULL OUT QUOTES AT RANDOM STOP MAKING ME WRITE MULTIPLE DIFFERENT THESIS STATEMENTS STOP IT!!!

bc i could finish reading a thing, be given a direction for a prompt, and then go okay here's my thesis statement and entire essay concept

and to the traditional teaching and order of operations that was Wrong, bc How Do You Have a Thesis Without Evidence? but i DID have evidence, i just had to go back and find it now that i'd coalesced it into an argument

i did the processing of details and evidence WHILE READING. it made no sense to me that you would finish reading something and NOT have an observation or argument to make abt its mechanics and purpose.

luckily my teacher was really neurodivergent-friendly, even if neither of us knew that's what it was at the time, and he went yeah no problem you can skip these assignments or do them differently. you can already do this just keep practicing i don't wanna mess w your process.

so that was v nice, highlight of my young education. is this bragging? i'm not gonna put this in the tags i'm making a separate post.

okay copied & pasted section over

but the reason this feels like bottom-up autistic processing is--

none of the other kids would have a Clear Idea abt what the book was already abt. the way it was often taught was more open-ended in our classes that year bc the point was to encourage us to read critically ourselves and learn to develop this skill. and so to them, they go into a book and are lost in the forest bc they can't see/understand the trees. they get to the end and are like What Just Happened. then they have to go back and start looking at all the trees again, now that they have a rough idea of the size and shape of the forest, and maybe the type of forest it is (rain, temperate, conifer, etc.)

so i'm not a genius master at this, but i feel like the only "big" concept i need is Story, or Book, or whatever. and then i walk in and immediately start encountering and identifying trees.

by the time i walk out the other side, i've already collected all of that information as part of my journey. so as soon as i look back, i have all the information to make sense of the Larger Context of the forest, and i go "oh i see. so THAT'S why this thing/pattern happened."

that's what feels bottom-up to me

i was honestly worried and gaslighting myself like "no that's definitely top-down" but it's not. if it was, i would need to what kind of book or story beforehand, etc., and have that to guide me. but i think that's counterintuitive, personally. i think it can become obvious what someone thinks, really, when reading their writing (given that they are/were in a temporal and geographical context close enough to your own to have reference points). then getting extra information abt that later is further helpful.

anyway there's my little bit of reflection for the day.

which unfortunately isn't terribly helpful w my ongoing crisis of identity at the moment bc it doesn't answer many questions, but it does sort of offer empirical evidence that that is something i'm good at, that my brain likes to do.

and also i want to own up to the fact that sometimes i finish reading something and i go "idk wtf to make of that. goddamn."

and that could be bc it was poorly written or was trying to say a lot. it could be bc it didn't mesh w my brain. it could be bc i need the act of writing abt the piece of writing to understand it (the way i have to talk out loud to understand my feelings abt something). it could be many things. but point being: i'm not trying to brag that i'm some magnificent genius, and i'm not trying to say this particular thing should be Easy for all autistic ppl. the way my brain works w words and stories is such that the bottom-up processing applies here and works well, but it's not the case for everyone.

i wish i hadn't spent the last minute or two typing that up bc i guarantee no one reads this and less self-deprecatingly, i'm tired of feeling like i have to anticipate a negative reaction to something and i'm tired of being responsible for someone misreading this and taking it as an insult if they weren't good at this same thing or assuming this makes either me or them not autistic bc we're not the same on this point

i just need the baseline understanding to be that NOTHING IS UNIVERSAL and ppl talking abt their own experiences is JUST THAT AND NOTHING MORE. it is also an invitation for ppl to relate. but y'know. anyway.

how and why am i managing the feelings of hypothetical ppl who probably won't even read this? i'm v tired.

[shatteredfears-arch]

sometimes i see non autistics write headcanons abt what probably went on in an autistic char they arent writings head and i just ‘yeah, yeah you have no idea how autistics think at all lol’ like yes its a spectrum, yes we’re all different, and youre still managing to pretend we’re neurotypical like—

[space-city-traffic]

yet again im back on my bullshit so... (gazes with mixed feelings at the TV show Firefly) i could fix him.

my extremely long thoughts about my Own Personal Good Version of Firefly (with plenty of spoilers for the show and the movie) under the cut:

things that are getting axed first thing no question:

out with the whole “let’s add in a thin veneer of Chinese cultural aesthetics out of context for ~flavor~” deal. just no.

instead, let’s hire some actors from a bunch of different cultures and work with them to figure out how their characters would bring those cultures into space with them!! and also hopefully bring some experiences with immigration/alienation/travel into it, since the Whole Core of Firefly is about how humanity always brings our doomed and silly and stubborn and unique warmth with us even into the cold void where nothing is familiar or homey in the slightest.

let’s respect our sex worker character shall we?

i do appreciate that Inara’s work as a companion is described as legitimate and well respected in the show. however please stop having your captain and hero call her a wh*re every five seconds against her clearly expressed wishes and portraying this as just a totally acceptable thing

let’s be more respectful of our characters of color and also have some more diversity, shall we?

others have put it better than me but yeah, the way Zoe and Book are treated is very uncomfy, and the rest of the show is depressingly monochromatic. come on let’s do better.

stop the weird confederacy hat tips

again others have pointed these out with much more thoroughness than I could, but the names of some characters and locations, as well as some of the language used to describe the browncoats, has uncomfortably confederate vibes. instead i propose we very Clearly tip our hats to the Alliance equaling space capitalism instead! you can’t go wrong with space capitalism as a villain.

don’t! make! the! psychotic! character! violent!

listen i love River Tam with my whole heart. but you should absolutely not portray your only character with psychosis as violent because of that psychosis!!!!!!! and yeah, a huge part of her character is that her brain got fucked up by the alliance and so she hallucinates and is also a super ninja. but like. she doesn’t need to be a super ninja for her character to work, okay? the crew does not need to be scared of her for her character to work, okay??? more on this later bc it would take a lot of care and nuance to make her character work but i really think it can be done

things we are absolutely keeping:

found family tropes my fucking beloved

this should be self evident. this is why the show is as appealing as it is despite its flaws, at least in my eyes.

malcolm reynolds, the knight in dusty armor

there’s something so appealing to me about what Mal stands for. because at his core is this ridiculous, silly, stubborn, doomed devotion to what he thinks is important and right, a romantic idealism thinly covered by cynical cowboy platitudes that he thinks make his bleeding heart totally invisible. and he is so obvious and entirely incorrect. bless. this is a man who will do anything for his family, who charges into swordfights to defend his friend from a man who wants to turn her into an object despite having no clue how to hold a sword. at his worst, he starts brawls in bars just for the martyr’s thrill of being persecuted for supporting the right; at his best, he inspires downright religious belief from his crew because he represents a romantic and chivalrous and doomed dedication to the right thing over any practical concerns. and then he throws a “selfish” quip over it with 100% confidence that everyone fell for his clever distraction and believes him to be a dirtbag. he’s oblivious and ridiculous and god he makes me want to be a better person because he’s just so goddamned sincere. stupid, but sincere. 10/10 himbo. <3

Mal and Inara ultraslowburn friends to enemies to friends to lovers to enemies to friends to lovers to friends to...

there’s nothing i love more than a ship that’s just two people who know each other way too well, and they’re each the only one who knows the other well enough to call them out on their bullshit. the way Mal and Inara interact in the show sometimes makes me uncomfy but like. the core of their relationship has to stay.

space western aesthetic

i need the cows on a spaceship scene to stay like i need air okay

that sweet sweet religious shit

mal, who lost his faith in gd and a whole lot else during the war. who lost his faith in himself, and now feels he has to hide the part of him that still wants to be good, because he knows he can’t be anymore, and he feels like it’s embarrassing for a guy like him to want something so unattainable. who takes a preacher on board, and the preacher has lost something, too. the preacher has his own past, and his own questions. but not questions like the observant neurodivergent girl, the one who wants to interact with and understand this thing that’s so important to him, but it just doesn’t click with how her brain works and she feels like something needs to be fixed, either the Bible or herself. and Mal takes care of them all, and slowly, he begins to find gd again, not in a prayer but in humanity. humanity doesn’t need to be fixed, like the alliance thinks. the shining imperfect strawberry sweetness of it in his family’s smiles is something to be worshiped and served and devoted to. and he finds he has something to believe in again. (and his crew find that he’s given them someone to believe in, too. and maybe suddenly he’s a saint.)

and finally, my brilliant ideas as to what i would like to add:

TRANS WOMAN KAYLEE RIGHTS

listen her femininity is so important to me okay? it’s so thrilled about everything that’s pretty, from dresses to the spaceship’s electric innards, and it’s so non-traditional and grease stained until it’s not and it’s pink and ruffly and twirly, and she never sees any of it as a contradiction, because none of it contradicts, it’s all just her! her gender is warmth and love and prettiness, feeling pretty and appreciating the pretty and making her friends’ days pretty too.

i want us to find out she’s trans in that episode with the ball, and i want us to find out alongside Mal who just never asked or never realized. Kaylee gasps and squeals at the dress in the shop window and Mal makes an off handed, ill considered comment, and then... someone yanks him aside and hisses a few very significant words in his ear. and suddenly he remembers what the blue white and pink she painted all over the engine room means, and he knows he has something to make right. so he buys her that dress himself and lets her know just how pretty she looks, and when he walks into that ball with her displayed on his arm like something precious, he looks the proudest out of any man there. and she notices. for a few seconds, of course, until there’s chocolate, and ‘nara, and a chandelier—and some horrible girls, but she’s used to that, until—suddenly, she finds her people. a group of old men who light up when she jokes about compression coils and whack presumptuous boys who ask her to dance. they adopt her as a treasured granddaughter, and Mal is beaming at her like a proud dad, and she finds that one of her new elderly friends gazes a little too long at her bracelet, and so she gives it to xem and teaches xem a few new words, and... it’s a good day, huh? it’s a really good day. (of course, then the captain has to go and punch somebody in the face, but it was a real nice party up until then.)

also she and Simon are both transhet t4t im correct and you know it

time for a better River Tam

the first thing we’ve established is that this version of her is not unpredictably violent and the crew is not scared of her!!!! it makes no sense to take a kid who’s primarily brilliant, experiment on her brain, give her telepathic powers....... and tack on the fact that she also has super strength and speed and dexterity and what not, AND say that they programmed her to be super violent. no! no. not only is that extremely harmful rep, that’s also just stupid.

instead!! my version of River is in fact not terrifying to the crew, but is actually the one they feel safest around. River has always been totally blunt, she was one of those kids you could tell realllllly early was autistic, and she doesn’t like being disengenous at all. so you can always trust her to tell the truth and not play weird passive aggressive games or have any hidden agenda, which makes her just a really chill person to be around. also, one of her longtime special interests is music and dance, so whether or not she’s nonverbal on a given day, there will always be some sort of beautiful sound when she’s around. she does have the singing voice of a dying crow unfortunately but that’s ok bc Simon’s is even worse and they’re both incredibly competitive so you’ll at least get free entertainment out of the affair.

my version of River does have psychosis and hallucinations because of the trauma of the experiments, and they are really troubling to her. she and Simon work together to find ways to cope and meds that help, and it’s a process, but there are some things that help.

the only thing she gained from the academy was the ability to hear people’s thoughts and sense the future a little bit. and yeah, that led to her picking up a few spooky secrets at the beginning, which, yikes. and for a while, it was hard to figure out which voices were real and which were hallucinations. but around her friends, she always feels safe to ask “did you just think about triple cheese burritos or was that just a me thing?”, and they’ll always tell her the truth no matter how embarrassing their thoughts are, bc it’s important to all of them to respect her and help her sort accurately through what’s reality and what’s not. and bit by bit, she gets better and better at figuring out what kinds of things tend to be telepathy and what kinds of things tend to be psychosis, and that each one feels a little different. and because of the trust and respect and support of her found family she’s able to do that in a safe environment!!!

trans man Simon rights

listen i wanted to keep him as just a side note on Kaylee’s list but he is my son and he’s important to my heart so here goes

out on the outer rim where Kaylee’s from, gender ain’t much of a big deal, there’s an individualistic quality to life out there, and so if the trail you blaze is the trail of a woman or a man or neither or both, that’s respected even in the rare cases where it’s not outright encouraged. but in the inner planets, where competition and connections and public faces and family names are everything, you have to be what’s expected of you to survive. you can’t change your brand, you can’t be anything other than what your family planned for you since before you were born, it’s incredibly hard to survive in such a hyper competitive environment, and so your very identity becomes just a tool in how to market yourself for better success.

needless to say Simon (just as autistic as his little sister and also very trans) fuckin hated it there. but he was very good at it. correction: he was very good at his very specific field of STEM, good enough to where people stopped talking about how cute he looked in bows and started talking about how impressive his work was from a very young age. and his work had no gender. he could be whatever he wanted to in equations. so that was where he could express himself, and gd, he got so much praise for it, he never wanted to stop.

not until he discovered that his sister needed him, and ran away, and needed a disguise, and realized... suddenly, every stifling rule and prying eye was a million miles away. he was freefloating, freefalling, with none of the charted paths he’d been following all his life... so you know what? fuck it. he’s always enjoyed the name Simon. and since it’s not on any legal records, it’ll make him just that much more untraceable.

and on Serenity, starting over with new people who never knew him before his transition feels like an unbelievable blessing that just dropped right into his lap. he has to keep up the secrecy, he has to make sure they never find out who he used to be, because gd, it’s so nice when they look at him and say his name right, and he doesn’t know if he can handle losing that, not when it’s so new and so important to the person he’s finally becoming. but then one day, the unthinkable happens, the wanted posters for his arrest have an old name on them, they’re looking for the Tam sisters, and... nothing changes. the crew of Serenity could not give even a tenth of a percent of a fuck, and it doesn’t seem like they even know they’re supposed to. huh. that’s new. Simon could get used to that, he thinks.

i’m sure there’s more i could add, but it’s 4:30 in the morning now, so if more occurs to me, ill simply add it in a reblog tomorrow. if you’ve read down this far, i am in love with you. please let me know your Better Firefly ideas, too, bc im always down to yell about this show!!!

[bae-science]

it’s t-t-t-t-time for another newt bae-science fic rec extravabonanza! same rules, same boys, same bullshit! let’s get into it:

a beginning; a second chance by @dykesword

other newt and i have a long and intricate ritualistic battle to become the alpha newt, but i gotta give credit where it’s due. if you like to annotate your books for fun, this fic will give you a looooong comment you’ll want to write, and for good reason! there’s a lot of really well done metaphor and character detail in here, while still keeping a very soft, melancholy but with a hopeful edge tone. and also, like, the care and detail in which newt’s mental state in the aftermath of the precursors’ abuse is depicted is so so good, and delightful to read

husbandly duties by @kingeiszler

i am soooo biased with this one bc technically it was made for me but GODDAMN it’s good. this shit has everything: gottlieb trio sibling dynamics, vanessa in giant femme earrings, hermann yearning, newt and karla infodumping together, newt’s terrible and accurate gaydar, gay crime, the newmann dynamic and why it works boiled down to its bare essentials, pride and prejudice glasses touch, and neon green acrylics. required reading for the vanessaverse

Say That Again by @robertfrobisherslover

WOOF. if you like mutual pining and lack of communication from men with rocks for their emotional processing centers, and guncle (gay uncle) newt and hermann and KILLER artsy sex scenes, and themes of words unsaid in a story about LANGUAGE..... oogoogogoogouhufug. the writing style is clear and well paced, i LOVE little mako’s scene she’s such a cutie, and there’s like. a line. that’s a play on the whole “it’s always been you” trope. that lives in my mind rent free forever.

speak right to my heart without saying a word by @thekaidonovskys

i’m just gonna paste the comment i left on it here, because that sums up what is so absolutely incredible about this fic the best:

so sometimes you stumble on a piece of fiction that you add to your little collection of stuff you would show a person if you wanted them to understand a part of you that you can't quite explain eloquently, or it would take too long, etc etc, and i've never really found something like that for my autism until now, which, like, poggers. and i'll be as straight up as i can while still being the biggest lesbian in the great state of ohio (not a hard feat but alan invented computers so i love continuing on the autistic tradition of being a living miracle), the chameleon effect hit me like a mack truck. catholic school in the deep south is the most potent and effective form of ABA therapy imaginable :/. so sometimes i wonder what i would be like if i didn't have such a strong ability to pass, and here's where we finally get to the part of this comment where i just vomit compliments at you: you nailed it. you got it. i don't know if you're on the spectrum, but either way, well fucking done. trauma therapy research talks a lot about healing fantasies, which are fantasies, usually in the form of daydreams, that abused/neglected/traumatized/etc people create that directly address a struggle they have and take the form of a scenario in which that struggle is helped in some way. it could be an abusive parent repenting and showering them with the love they never had, or someone finding them during a panic attack and somehow knowing how best to comfort them without having to ask, or being intimate with someone and having a scar or physical deformity they've been shamed for be given attention and care. and i think you have created the ultimate perfect healing fantasy for autistic people, or at least those with """"high functioning"""" autism. it has a character who is visibly and undeniably on the spectrum having the pain and trauma going through life like that causes being acknowledged and validated, they are purposefully paid attention to because person b genuinely likes them and wants to understand and respect who they are and how they function in the world, and thus get The Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known as well as the eventual rewards of being loved, person b makes a genuine effort to help teach them social skills in a way they can understand and learn through and is there for them when these skills are being practiced, their space and boundaries are respected but they aren't infantilized or thought of as an emotionless robot, and they receive love and comfort on their own terms not despite of but because of who they are, even specifically being asked not to change the way they are because that way is lovable. they are openly desired. writing is my fucking JOB and it's still difficult to put into words how much you got 100000% right about the dream with this fic. i have been in the EXACT and i mean EXACT same situation as hermann when he asked newt if it was his personality itself that made people not like him, because i deadass made a spreadsheet of all my personality attributes i thought could be preventing me from making friends in college, and then asked my fellow nd friend to see if there was anything i was missing. so i guess what i'm trying to say is that this amazing, and i'm bookmarking it and putting it on my next fic rec post, and maybe one day way way in the future if i ever get a partner i want to explain the whole autism thing to, i'm gonna have them read this.

The Facts With Newton Geiszler, PhD by what_alchemy (NSFW)

storytime: i read this fic a few years ago, completely forgot the title and author, and ended up thinking about the part where hermann admits to having fucked a trailer hitch when he was a teenager, at least once a week. last november, i say to my friend samara on twitter, head of the BSHCU (buttslut hermann cinematic universe), hey this seems like something you’d have read, do you remember a fic where... and samara says FUCK i do know what you’re talking about lemme find it. so if the fact that i have been looking for this fic for like, two years, and that it contains a moment so iconic all i had to say is, “hermann says he fucked a trailer hitch” and she IMMEDIATELY knew what i was talking about, does not convince you to read this... go back to catholic school i guess.

Feeling Blue by TempusPetrichor

fics where newt goes back to work as a biologist, especially a xenobiologist, post pru are really interesting, and usually have something neat to say about recovery, how it isn’t linear, how it often involves us returning to things we love for comfort, etc. this one sure does! some good emotional and physical h/c, LOVE the use of the ghost drift, and it’s always fun to see post pru fics use dialogue very obviously taken from dbt, trauma-specific therapeutical texts, and anything that shows the author has experience with, or did their research on, ptsd therapies.

You’re Everyone That Ever Cared by KlavierWrites

you know a fic is good when it’s an only 9k slowburn and still manages to reach infinite regress levels of are you fucking KIDDING GO TO THERAPY. newt “acts of service” geiszler may have a little misplaced misogyny due to his broken woman-centric gaydar. as a treat. the fucking. post-drift scene where hermann subtextually screams “LOOK IN OUR BRAINS YOU FUCK I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU I JUST HAVE AUTISM AND CAREER IN STEM DISORDER” is soooooo. god just hermann in general in that scene is great. if you like classic mid 2010s era newmann, ghost drift romance, and good ole mutual pining, this is a treat.

Baby, You're Hotter than my Bunsen Burner by SkySongMA

moronosexual hermann representation is something that can actually be so personal

Times of Stress by RadioMoth

the boys are processinggggggg. man what a good, quick and powerful punch to the gut. if you like post-pr1 catharsis and physical h/c, AND are the one friend that likes to comment at the end of the movie that hey newt got beat the fuck UP, check this one out.

black tea by @faggotcas

okay first of all, god fucking tier url, lee. second of all, food as a love language is my SHIT. i love the very slow relationship development here, where you see them making a genuine effort to get along and that in turn leading to feelings reigniting. it’s such a sweet little moment of a fic, with a nice atmosphere and tone to fit it

now here’s the part where i usually drop my latest fic, but i haven’t written one this month because i’ve been busy launching an audio drama! you can find it here, it’ll be right up your alley if you like cryptids and gay scientists and enemies to lovers and good ole americana, but since this is a newmann post, i’m gonna recommend the pacific rim audio drama duology i did a while back! part one is called conversations from the brink, and it’s a little slice of the pr3 we better fucking get from streaming that godawful looking anime. love and lesbians to everyone ❤️

[chaotically-cas]

29 Things I Think Allistic People Need To Hear

From an autistic person

Not my usual content but I felt it needed to be said.

Saying “everyone is a little autistic” is really hurtful. Yes, everyone has their struggles but these struggles are far different for autistic people. Saying everyone experiences it is invalidating & harmful.

Being graded on eye contact & standing still is wrong. I’m pretty sure at one point or another we’ve had a project we were graded on & one of the grades was eye contact & not fidgeting. These things are extremely hard for autistic people & they are practically second nature. It’s like holding in a sneeze.

Stim & figget toys in schools. Of course fidget spinner’s & stim cubes can be bought & should be bought by anyone. If you want one, get one. But the way schools are banning them is crazy. They are very necessary for autistic people & it’s so much harder for them when schools ban their use.

QUITTTTT BABYING US!! We aren’t ‘uwu babies’. We are humans. We are perfectly capable of functioning without allistic people’s pity & looking down on us. We are our own people that don’t need a hand to hold in every damn situation. We aren’t cute because of it. 

Listen to autistic people. Everyone is all for advocating for people until that group of people want to advocate for themselves. So shut up & listen once & maybe you can learn something you didn’t know.

Creative writing in class is difficult. You don’t know how many bad grades I’ve gotten on because I can’t think of a good story out of my ass. It’s extremely hard for autistic people. Please give us a prompt it’s more helpful than you know.

Role playing in class. I think we’ve all had to do something where we research a famous person & have to assume their identity. This is again, so hard for autistic people. It’s hard enough for us to be ourselves. Most of us can’t understand these actives enough.

Slurs. Quit saying retard. It’s not an insult. It’s not funny. It’s offensive & every time you use it you’re hurting a disabled person & spreading harmful stereotypes. It’s not just a word. It’s not just a bad word. It’s a slur. Same as the f word or any other slur. Don’t use it.

People talking over us. No I dont mean just in conversations. Although that is another issue. I mean organizations like autism speaks that put words into autistic peoples mouths instead of letting them speak for themselves.

Stop making fun of our special interests. Whether you find anime cringey or think an adult loving Aladdin is childish just stop it. These things being extreme joy to us. They make us happy in a word that we don’t understand. So just leave us alone & let us be happy.

Don’t stare at us if we’re stimming. Especially in public. If you see me flapping my hands. Don’t stare. If you hear me humming quietly, don’t judge. These activities aren’t for your viewing pleasure. They’re for autistic people to regulate & express how they’re feeling.

Normalizing ableism. It’s so normalized. Whether it’s phrased like “suffers from autism” or how regularly ‘retard’ is used in classe; ableism is so often over looked especially by adults. There are no many micro aggressions they are just passed off as us not having a thick enough skin. When in reality it’s really damaging.

People first language. If you ever correct someone by saying “no, they’re a PERSON with autism. Not an autistic person”. Literally shut up. We’re autistic. We’re people. Being autistic doesn’t make us any less human so you don’t need to make it seem like it does. We’re still human no matter our disably. People don’t have to be reminded of this.

Using words like psychopath & sociopath. Calling autistic people these things just because you don’t understand us is disgusting. If you don’t understand these terms don’t use them. Just because we aren’t good at showing empathy in some cases doesn’t make us ‘psychopaths’.

Tone indicators. This is both the over use & not using them that’s an issue. Saying things like “/j /hj /sarcasm /srs /lh” all in one post defeats the whole damn purpose of them. & not using any at all especially when joking around or using sarcasm can lead to a lot of misunderstanding. It’s not that hard to use one or two at the end of a post. /srs

Picky eating. Literally stop making fun of autistic people for not liking a lot of foods or ordering the same thing at every restaurant. A lot of textures & flavors are very bothersome to autistic people. They can cause overstimulation or even panic. Just let us be. So I eat mac & cheese 4 times a week. I didn’t know it effected you so much.

“Ugh you’re so annoying you can’t ever get a joke”. No hearing that is what’s annoying. Tones are hard for us to understand so while most people pick up on it autistic people are more likely to read too much into it or take it seriously. It’s simple to use tone indicators in text or even to say “I’m joking”. It won’t make your joke less funny. It’ll just help us understand more.

Be specific if you want things from us. Don’t just say “hey I need a pencil”. Or “the dishwasher needs put away”. Most likely we’ll just be like, yeah, ok, and? Be specific please. Say things like “can I borrow a pencil?” or “can you undo the dishwasher?”.

Faces seeming to look weird. A lot of us having facial stims that can alter our faces. Whether it’s excessive blinking, eyebrow raising, or face scrunches. Don’t ask us what’s wrong with our face or what we are doing. For me, because of my facial stims & tics my eyes/eyebrows are permanently uneven. Don’t bring it up.

Classroom behavior charts are horrible. Autistic people don’t behave the same as allistic people. Simple as that. What they see as ok behavior, others don’t. & some times they don’t realize these behaviors will get them in trouble.

Police brutality. Especially in black or brown autistic people. It’s so common that people call the police on autistic people stimming in public because they are seen as dangerous. & when these autistic people can’t understand what’s going on or can’t make eye contact they are labeled as more suspicious. Especially black autistic people. Just look at Elijah McLean.

Feeling dumb. Especially in schools or other scholarly conversations. Some autistic people aren’t able to keep up or fully understand everything that’s being said or presented. Which leads to us feeling dumb. Give us time to process or aso questions please.

Feeling robotic. You’ve most likely heard autistic people being compared to robots at one point or another. Whether that’s for the impaired ability to establish empathy or something else it’s an extremely negative & hurtful stereotype. Especially in media.

Saying ‘I forgot’ is a valid excuse. There is so much going on in our heads. So much to process & remember. We forget things. Everyone forgets things. Especially autistic people. Please don’t yell at us for always forgetting to do the dishes. It’s not like we chose to forget.

The harmful effects of the vaccines cause autism jokes. Aside from the whole anti vaxers debate, perpetually the idea that we shouldn’t be vaccinated because it causes autism is disgusting. It’s treating autism like a disease. Like the person who has it isn’t worthy. Or that autism is so chronic it will ruin everything. It’s like people avoiding cheese burgers because it’s rumored they make you ginger. It’s preposterous. 

Yelling at autistic people for struggling to want to learn new concepts/concepts at all. This not only goes for in school but in just normal conversation. It’s hard for autistic people to grasp things they don’t have an interest in learning. So please don’t yell at us for not understanding everything about a band that we don’t care about, we would if we could. It might not seem like a big issue but it happens more than you’d think.

Intrusive thoughts. (Tw: rape mention & violence) Most of the time autistic people experience extreme spells of intrusive thoughts “omg he’s going to rape you image him raping you” or “stab yourself in the side right now” or much worse. & when autistic (and other) people try to talk about it they are labeled crazy or insane. It’s a normal occurrence to have these kinds of thoughts. We don’t want to. But they happen. That’s why they’re called intrusive.

Executive disfunction. This is basically when autistic people are views as lazy but we physically & mentally just can’t. Where tasks as seemingly simple as going to get a glass of water feels like a mountain to autistic people. It’s not that we are lazy. We physically & mentally can’t work up to it.

Class rank & graduation requirements are unfair. Autistic people socialize differently. It’s just a fact. Our brains work differently in classes & outside of it. We could be working our asses off to understand our English class book, but we get an F. Not to mention how most schools require community service hours to graduate. Yes community service is good but it can be very hard for autistic people.

Please feel free to add on but a lot of these are drawn from personal frustrations. Please listen to autistic & other disabled people more. All these also applies to those with ADHD/ADD or any other mental illness where the situations apply. You’re all valid & amazing.

I love you all. 💕

[elorastory]

Trollhunters: Rise of the Titans--A Conspiracy

Tales of Arcadia/Trollhunters: Rise of the Titans—A Conspiracy

I’m expecting some pushback from this. Yes, it’s my opinion based on my personal understanding of the current state of society and the world. No, it is not intended to be offensive; merely thought-provoking and releasing for me personally.

Preface: Tales of Arcadia is still one of my very favorite shows ever. SO much good came from its existence. Nothing, not even a less-than-satisfactory ending, can take away what this series contributed to my journey.

Trigger warnings (yes, my rant has trigger-warnings): this post confronts the possibility of malevolent agendas and secret societies for which Netflix and Hollywood and Disney could be mouthpieces/mediums for mass brain-washing. This post also mentions transgender/gender-queer/gender-dysphoria in a neutral way (does not diss, but mentions possibility of using its acceptance for sterilization purposes), so lovely sensitive beautiful souls, please be prepared. Alludes to but does not outright mention Netflix’s “Cuties” documentary. Harsh and vulgar language ahead. Scattered and incomplete thoughts galore. Read between the lines and do your own research (if you still can in today’s cancel-culture).

The creators of Tales of Arcadia set out to revolutionize animation and push graphics to their limit. Congratulations to them. They absolutely, indisputably achieved their goal (seriously, guys—GORGEOUS visuals).

Unfortunately, instead of applying their passion and talent toward telling beautiful stories with empowering morals to children (the show’s target audience), the creators chose to “step back” and permit the existence of Rise of the Titans (from which the original writers are a little too quick to distance themselves, in my opinion).

It began with Jim’s INCREDIBLY disappointing transformation at the end of Trollhunters, season three. His metamorphosis recanted the show’s original moral of “you, a human, have everything you need inside of you to conquer your greatest fears and darkest demons BECAUSE you are human,” and instead, taught us we do not; we require intervention and enhancement to be worthy.

At first, I didn’t pay too much credence to the idea that this creative choice could have been tied to a trans-humanist agenda (or even a push for mass-acceptance of surgical/hormonal alterations for transgender/gender-dysphoria); however, after watching RotT, I’m drowning in paranoia.

Steve getting pregnant and giving birth on screen was positively treacherous. I am DAMN PROUD of our fandom’s overwhelming pushback against this particular aspect of RotT and I want all of you speaking out to know that you are the REAL Trollhunters here.

Not only is he HOW old (Aaron had enough foresight to make a comment on Twitter a few weeks ago that magically absolved the characters underage status and the writers of their responsibility—how convenient for them), but it’s not like the adults DON’T know (or, at least, suspect) what this concept (probably) parallels in reality.

It’s important to note, ToA as a fandom has expressed a high need for LGBTQ+ space and acceptance (and I am among the individuals requesting this need be met). I believe the creators included enough subtext for the audience to reasonably conclude that Steve is, more than likely, a bisexual himbo, especially for Eli (whom I hoped would come back from A5 a total babe and make Steve question everything he ever thought he knew about himself—especially when Aja (in my opinion) should have realized she had too much responsibility as Queen of a PLANET to maintain a healthy long-long-distance relationship with a boyfriend like STEVE). But the writers just jumped from the lesbian-end-of-the-world-last-chance-first-kiss in 3Below to “boys can have babies, too.”

MAYBE, in today’s political climate, it would have been prudent to save the mPreg for fanfiction (a safe space to process fantasies and triggers alike)—unless, of course, the writers WANTED to plant those seeds in the minds of their intended audience? (I know, rich coming from the chick who writes the Jamie/Blinky fanfic—I promise, it has meaning beyond the nasty.)

As a mother, this was my very biggest complaint about the finale. My children watch this show with me. Of course, after seeing Steve squirt blue all over Eli, my autistic daughter asks, “Can boys have babies, Mommy?”

Warning: Vicious, Accusatory, Conspiracy-Theory-Laden Rant Ahead

*middle fingers galore* Fuck you and your child-sexualizing/human-sterilization agenda, Netflix. Do I want to have to have the transgender talk with my malleable kids right now? Fuck no, I don’t. I do not think it’s bad to be transgender or queer. Y’all will always get love from me and will always be treated the way YOU want to be treated. I do think there’s a rise in rates of transgender/queer individuals because it’s getting a lot of attention and it makes doctors a lot of money, so there are a lot of vulnerable people being taken advantage of right now (especially kids--imagine how the spectrum ones are gonna sponge this shit). I do not want that for my children. I want them to have a comprehensive and complete understanding of all the forces affecting their relationship with their bodies and minds before they decide during puberty (a notoriously uncomfortable and confusing time of life) to chop off body parts and mess with hormones (and, by proxy, mental functioning). My children are not old enough to fully comprehend the shift occurring in our society right now, let alone WHY it’s even happening or what it means for them (how convenient for the proponents of depopulation by self-sterilization).

And on the subject of such agendas… Blinky. What were they thinking using him as a mouthpiece for ANY human-hating philosophy? When he stated outright that wiping the planet of humanity was SAVING the earth, I about shit a brick. HE LOVES ALL THINGS HUMAN! He’s supposed to be FASCINATED by them! He LIVED as one! He considers Jim his son! Not only was this the WORST example of the movie’s complete inability to maintain his character (besides MISSING A PAGE IN THE BOOK, being SCARED of FLYING (yeahfuckingright), and NOT reading horoscopes (bitch, please, of course Trolls read horoscopes—it’s cosmic feng-shui with giant space-rocks)), but he’s a CONSPIRACY THEORIST! He’d be SO onto this bullshit.

Wrapping up the agenda-pushing shenanigans: “For the good of all???”Are you KIDDING ME?! The four most dangerous words in history are, “For the greater good” (followed closely by “this time it’s different”), and y’all are just gonna rephrase it and use it to convince us that anyone fighting for the “greater good” is obviously the GOOD GUY? Of course, Jim IS the good guy and has the benefit of our loyal viewership and support, but acclimating the younger audience to this phrase, to the very concept that there is a “one size fits all” sort of “good” is dangerous and manipulative. What happens when “the greater good” isn’t good for you? Are you gonna be able to fight back and be heard?

Am I reading too much into this? Maybe. Is this my way of processing the steaming pile of propaganda my favorite show became without needed to re-watch RotT to leave a more comprehensive review? Probably. If I get cancelled for this post, am I gonna know I’m right? Absolutely.

If you made it this far, thanks for indulging me in my spazzy rant. As always, I am curious to hear your thoughts.

 Yours,

Elora Story

[sampauwelsschrijft]

Antidepressants are so weird.

Like, you forget to take them one day and the next day you’re this anxious mess and you’re constantly dissociating and your brain is so slow and you’re just in this constant state of panicking without reason while you feel like you’re floating and also you have no idea what the fuck is going on 100% of the time.

But also, that feeling when you start taking them for the first time? It’s so strange.

I remember the first time I started taking meds for my anxiety was when I was in high school and I remember just feeling so calm while walking to school the next monday? I was usually so anxious in the morning, especially on mondays, and I had literally not known it any other way for my whole life, but suddenly I realized I was not stressing out at all.

And then the side effects started kicking in and I was so fucking tired during the last class of the day and it was terrible because I had a very busy week and I was up late working on group projects every night.

But at the same time, it was great that I was taking the meds that week because, like I said, I was up late working on group projects in other peoples houses and eating at their place and I was socializing and masking my autism the whole day every day for a week and I never once had a panic attack and I had only one meltdown in that whole week.

And than the side effects went away and I felt so weird without the anxiety that I had known for whole my life? Like, obviously it was still there, but so much less? Before I started taking the antidepressants, I had panic attacks almost every week, but suddenly I could go literal months without panic attacks. And the suicidal thoughts I had also known for a very long time... just gone.

The same happened when I started taking new meds two months ago. The first week was terrible, I was really tired and I had these two days were I had so much executive dysfunction that I couldn’t even get up to make tea, but than the side effects went away and suddenly I felt so much calmer than before and I felt like I had so much more time in a day? And than I started going on walks and last week I even went to buy popcorn alone and that’s a really big accomplishement for me.

But the strangest thing is probably other peoples reactions when they hear I’m on antidepressants.

My grandma is great at that, saying things like ‘you don’t need meds, you just need to get over it’ in such a sweet voice and she really means it like advice. (No shade to her, she’s a great grandma and she’s really sweet and she really means it well, she just doesn’t understand it.) But it’s so weird to me, because, like, you won’t tell someone who’s taking medication for a phyisical condition that they need to stop taking their meds and get over it, right? So what’s the difference with me taking meds for a mental condition I’ve been struggling with my whole life? I’ve never been so happy as in the two years since I started taking antidepressants. I’ve been doing so many thing I would have never seen myself doing. 

My grandma made it sound like ‘it’s just my age’, she literally said she ‘felt the same way when she was my age but she just got over it and than she got her drivers license even though she was scared of driving’, and I was just like, I’ve literally never seen you drive a car in my twenty years of existence but that’s great for you I guess?

And the excuse she gives me as to why I shouldn’t take my meds is because medication is always dangerous and it has side effects? And like, yes, I know, but panic attacks aren’t fun either? Suicidal thoughts are dangerous too? Meltdowns are dangerous when you have them at the wrong time or around the wrong people? And really... feeling scared and stressed without any reason every second of the day is just... terrible, and if taking pills is going to help me with that, I will take those pills.

The weirdest thing is that, while she’s saying that to me, she’s also constantly reminding my grandpa that he needs to take his pills, and I just wonder what makes her think the two are so diffenent? 

Again, my grandma is a wonderful lady and I really don’t want you to think bad of her, but I just don’t understand why she finds it so hard to understand that mental illnesses are a serious thing?

Another dude once asked me why I don’t take my antidepressents only on the days I need them, like how I take my asthma medication only when I know I’m going to do sports or have a lot of allergies that day... and I’m just like... that’s not how it works? Not all medication is something you can just take whenever? A lot of medication, not just antidepressants, need time to start working, and you also just can’t stop with them out of nowhere, because that’s going to give you withdrawel symptoms?

And he’s reason for asking that was that he believed antidepressants make you a different person and, just, how? Are you trying to say my anxiety and depressive episodes are my personality or something? In my experience, antidepressants have actually helped me be more like myself. When I’m not constantly stuck in my own head, I have time and motivation to do the things I like and be myself, and when I’m not constantly anxious about what other people might think of me, I stop masking my autism.

These kind of people aren’t the weirdest ones though, one of my high school teachers has taken that price.

In my last year of high school, we had a trip to Berlin, so we had to fill in this form about our medical conditions/ medical history and allergies and the medication we take and stuff like that. I filt out the form completely normally. I stated my allergies, I wrote that I had light asthma and might have difficulties riding a bike because of it, and I guess I must have written about my scoliosis and the jaw surgery I had had that summer (or maybe the summer before that, idk, my memory doesn’t really do timelines to be honest), and I wrote that I was autistic and had anxiety and that I sometimes had depressive episodes because I had had a depression when I was 14. And than I just wrote that I took medication for my asthma and antidepressants for my anxiety. And maybe I wrote down some other stuff, I really don’t remember how detailed the form had to be.

A few weeks went by, until the teachers started doing their paperwork for the Berlin trip and the teacher that was organizing it all started going trough the medical forms and read that I took antidepressants... and suddenly she just started treating me differently.

Like, at that point it wasn’t really a secret anymore that I had anxiety and was in the process of getting diagnosed with autism, all the teachers were supposed to know it, but I guess after reading that I actually took medication for it, this teacher started realizing how serious it was?

She began skipping me whenever we had to read aloud in class and she started being extra nice to me and even giving me better grades, because, idk, she felt bad for me or something?

And than, during the actual Berlin trip, she was constantly keeping her eyes on me. It was weird, because we were all 17/18 or even 19 at that point and the teachers mostly just let us do whatever, but this teacher just constantly came talking to me while I was just having fun with my friends. There was even this point where we were at a fair and this teacher saw me standing somewhere alone and started almost babying me thinking my friends had abandoned me, and I was literally just like... my friend is right there buying food for us? Why do you instantly think I’ve been abandoned when you see me alone? My friend is actually helping me and buying food for me right now? Like... what?

And than she almost seemed sad when she actually saw my friend handing me popcorn. Like, lady, how big is your saviour complex?

Well, anyway, I guess all this post is trying to say is that 1) forgetting to take your antidepressants makes you feel weird and like you don’t even exist, and 2) people react weird to mental illness