#SWOLLEN TO BURSTING UNTIL I AM DISAPPEARING ON PURPOSE

[slitherpunk]

games i liked in 2023 (And Other)

I like games ! You know that ?! and I played a lot 2023! and I liked a lot :). They aren't in any specific order, it's just a little highlight of games that stood out to me this year. I've attempted to write a few thoughts on each so I hope take a look. I wrote playtimes for some also but that is very subjective.

-Ones that actually came out 2023-

Lunacid https://store.steampowered.com/app/1745510/Lunacid/ I think I mentioned enjoying this in 2022 but it officially released so I can say it was one of my favorite games in 2023 :3! I like to feel around this game's walls for secrets. I like the npcs that are full of hope and whimsy despite the bleakness of its world. Chill and occasionally spooky first person dungeon crawling around moody caverns and ruins varying from underground forests to vampire castles and blood lake. (Blood lake!!!! Lake of blood!!! Big creature there.) Lots of fun weapons and spells to find, I like the one that lets you turn blood into coffins.

~20 hours

Orbo's Odyssey https://feverdreamjohnny.itch.io/orbos-odyssey If you played the massively popular demo for "Peeb Adventures" by feverdreamjohnny then you know that Johnny makes some fun and funny games and this is certainly one of them. speedy and satisfying platforming! funny dracula moments! short and sweet.

~2 hours

A Walk in the Woods https://mooncaller.itch.io/a-walk-in-the-woods Quaint little GBStudio game :) Made by some friends of mine for a jam :) It's cute I like it. There's minigames where you catch bugs and birdwatch.

~30 minutes long

Undertale Yellow https://gamejolt.com/games/UndertaleYellow/136925 I've only completed the pacifist run and checked out a neutral run so far. as the title somewhat implies, this is a prequel to Undertale where you play as the fallen human who had the yellow colored soul. This Undertale fangame has a lot of charm!!! A lot of battles really feel like they could have been in the original, with quite a bit of extra flair in some circumstances.

~10 hours

vs really cool bird https://bobacupcake.itch.io/vs-really-cool-bird you know that really cool bird that rob bobacupcake made well you can fight it in undertale and it's really fun. yeah two undertale fangames. . . wat of it …

~30 minutes

Misericorde: Volume One https://xeecee.itch.io/misericorde I wont lie the main draw for me into this was cute anime nuns I sure didn't know a whole lot else about it when I dug into it. But it's (the first part of) a VN murder mystery! And I enjoyed it a whole lot. All the characters are memorable and I really enjoy how all of them have differentiating designs. The protagonist is so failgirl. She sucks so much and I love her. I'm very intrigued by the mechanics of the game's world, it clues you in near the beginning to expect something a bit supernatural/fantastical, which gives you (and later the protagonist) a curiosity about what's real and what isn't. The music is all very impressive too, with the ost reaching past 100 tracks varying through post-rock, folk, drum & bass, and others. (Remembering when the track "Scandal" played and my friends and I took a moment to be like- okay hang on this track pwns.) Big fan of its haunting locals and how the aesthetic of the game fits them well. Also the humor is a lot of fun, and I love all the moments getting to know the different characters. Very excited to see the eventual continuation of this.

~12 hours

Absolutely Perfect Specimen https://chambersoft.itch.io/absolutely-perfect-specimen It seems like a lot of people are craving toxic horror yuri lately. Here's a recommendation. It's a VN about the android maid "Pan" and the mad scientist girl who created her. Horrifying & gut wrenching & largely about having other people define you. The art and music is haunting & poignant and matches the ever increasing feeling of dread throughout. It's yuri with the chunks. Peak robotgirl horror for those who can stomach it.

~90 minutes

Wordhopper https://kokoscript.itch.io/wordhopper Very quaint word search type puzzle game for ms dos! I think its style is very slick and that's pretty impressive to see. Chill game with nice vibes and eyecandy visuals. also it was so cool to have played this and then ended up seeing the dev's booth at Vintage Computer Festival Midwest. I was like omg woah I just played this.

~bunny

Bossgame https://lilyv.itch.io/bossgame This game is yuriful as f*ck. Delightful humor and fun character dynamics! A simple-to-understand-difficult-to-master boss rush battle system that makes you satisfied to get it right, and enticing to get just a little farther if you get it wrong. There's a lot of detail and charm to this game's menus and dialogues and win screens, I remember noticing that once you beat a boss there would be some marquee text that would pass by with some prose on it. I love how it balances its silly moments with its heartfelt moments and its high octane moments. I like the character development and revelations had throughout the plot. & I like how good the protagonists are for each other :) It's very sweet. It's hype as hell. if you want some boss rush action paired well with that sweet sweet girl's love, you *will* play this game.

~5 hours

Elly's Adventure https://bikwins.itch.io/ellys-adventure Very cute and witchy!! You are the little witch girl "Elly" on an adventure to get your toys back!! Feels like a pretty authentic gameboy type experience, it takes a lot of design cues from Kirby's adventure and the like. I am a big fan of how playful it feels.

~1 hour

Nour https://store.steampowered.com/app/1141050/Nour_Play_with_Your_Food/ This was a treat for me, but I understand that not everybody is going to get it. It's a game where you play with food(and food accessories). And that's it. It knows what it was going for. I think a lot of people were expecting something else for some reason. It's a cute little toy game and I felt satisfied with my time with it.

~food

Hi-Fi Rush https://store.steampowered.com/app/1817230/HiFi_RUSH/ Do I have to say this game is super fun? It's a big one everybody probably already knows it. This game's dopey humor made me laugh a lot and I'm not afraid to admit it.

~12 hours

WHISKEY.ST2007S https://bonicle.itch.io/whiskey-st2007nes One of the last games I played in the year because it released super last minute. Does anybody else get a rush when running a shopping cart down the parking lot? This emulates that feeling. Short game where you collect whisky stones in the whisky stone dimension because you forgot to go christmas shopping until the very last minute. it rules. It's very short you can go play it right now & get a highscore.

~5 minutes

re:curse https://devpalmer.itch.io/re-curse Discovered this one near the very end of the year also. Fun little rpg maker horror/humor game about a weird scientist lady, her butch, and an evil clown computer virus that figured out how to warp reality. I got a kick out of it. and also enjoyed digging through the game's files, which was actively encouraged by the dev, which I thought was very fun.

~90 minutes

-Didn't technically get to until 2024 but released last year-

SWOLLEN TO BURSTING UNTIL I AM DISAPPEARING ON PURPOSE https://1207.itch.io/swollen-to-bursting-until-i-am-disappearing-on-purpose People love to dunk on a lot of indie rpgs for being "quirky Earthbound inspired and about depression" or whatever. Earthbound's great. If people can nail the kind of humor and absurdity it likes to pull off while also balancing difficult topics I think that deserves a high mark. SWOLLEN TO BURSTING was fun. Bizarre and charming places to explore & distressing secrets to find. I like how it blends meander-around-the-town gameplay with Yume Nikki sort of exploration and effects. Also I'm a big fan of the music. I like how it has the lofi sound which matches the early 3d look of the game.

~6 hours

HalOPE https://starbage.itch.io/halope Another for the fans of sweet little rpg maker games that have a lot of heart. HalOPE is about an incomplete little angel wondering through worlds. Each has a theme, usually to do with an emotion or feeling, and they do well at evoking that feeling as well as its antithesis. a lot of the music is very homey and charming at moments and unnerving at others, sometimes lonely, all doing well in their corresponding chapters to further the feeling of its specified theme. There are so many delightful characters and designs in this & I found myself feeling really attached to their tiny little stories. The narrative at the core of it all hit me. If I may be vulnerable, I cried a whole lot at various moments in this game. It was really cathartic. I feel very excited for people to experience this game.

~5 hours

-Favs I finally got around to that didn't come out 2023-

An Outcry https://quinnk.itch.io/an-outcry Kind of sad it took me so long to get to this one, but glad it meant I got to play the "definitive" updated version of it. Apartment wandering RPG maker horror. Bum smokes from your neighbors and use them to save the game. I wish I could unwrap a lot more of what I like about this game than I can without spoiling too much. But if I could, I'd probably go on for too long. Let me attempt to be succinct & not giving too much away. You can tell pretty early on that An Outcry is about taking action when necessary & not turning a blind eye. What it explores about player vs protagonist agency is very fascinating to me as well, and I enjoyed learning about the inspirations for why the game's narrative works the way it does. The character Anne is such a sweetie and I love her a whole lot. This game has a very tangible feeling, this apartment complex is dirty and crumby, it smells of smoke, and there's a surrounding desperation you can feel.

~5 hours

Pigments https://punkcake.itch.io/pigments Honestly I had gotten this game in a bundle and while I was playing it I hadn't looked at the name and I just kept calling it FRUIT. On call with my friends I'd be like "hey im gonna play more FRUIT". I straight up didn't read the title screen. But it's called Pigments. You play as a fruit and you try to paint the whole floor and not get sliced by buzzsaws. Fun little arcade type game.

~fruit

Bridge, October 3rd https://lowpolis.itch.io/bridge-october-3rd Very short vignette. I like it. It's what it says it is. I'm not going to overexplain.

~like a minute

-Other Games I Want To Mention-

Pseudoregalia https://store.steampowered.com/app/2365810/Pseudoregalia/ I think a lot of people might have already known this one but I felt like it was a pretty fun 3d platformer. There were a few issues I had with it (boss fight at the beginning was frustrating, and I got lost a lot [but it looks like there's been a map patch by now, so, perhaps for some that is a fix]). I enjoyed it but sure felt weird that the only accessibility option was to give the protagonist pants. What kind of joke is that?

~5 hours

Mushroom Musume https://mortallymoonstruckgames.itch.io/mushroom-musume (Disclaimer, this game is still early access, but I saw a lot of people talking about it last year. SO I will mention here?) Haven't played much of this yet, but I have enjoyed what I played so far!! As of writing I've gone through 6 playthroughs, I feel like I've hardly scratched the surface and I've been so impressed by its depth. It's very charming, you never know what sorts of fairytale shenanigans are going to happen, and it's very cool to see how your different stats will affect things. It very much plays out like a roguelike vn. Which is not the sort of thing you may expect to make much sense but it pulls this off well. Also all the mushroom girls are very cute and I love them very much. I hope the sad goopy one who had bugs in her skin rests in peace.

~mushroom

Knuckle Sandwich https://andybrophy.itch.io/knuckle-sandwich -_- Hm. Where do I start with this one. I was pretty excited for this one since the demo and kickstarter in 2018. I felt like the demo was a hell of a hook that got me curious & horrified. As time went on, it seemed to be shaping up into something really cool. turn based combat with action commands and wario-ware-type microgames?? with a banging soundtrack?? like, count me in!! Then it released and well, the gameplay, art, music all delivered. It was very fun and engaging in those aspects. But the story… oh it just devolves into disappointing nonsensical randomness. The whole hook at the beginning seemed to be completely thrown away for the wild goose chase plot that ensues, leaving you to wonder if it was ever going to be relevant again. It felt like it had no idea what it was trying to say or do. It disappointed me that a game that has so much good in so much else about it gets brought down so much for me by this plot.

~12 hours

Rhythm Doctor https://store.steampowered.com/app/774181/Rhythm_Doctor/ (Putting this one in mentions because it is early access.) I really enjoyed the act 5 release. When I first saw this game, I kind of shrugged it off, thinking "that base mechanic doesn't seem like it will last". I thought it was basically just that one ghost shooting game from Rhythm Heaven which I Hate. Well let's just say I am now seeking penitence for my previous transgressions. It's really fun. There's a lot more to it that I didn't know when I first took a look. Also, consistently amazed by people's custom levels, I had no idea that its level editor allows people to do so much in it, I look at some levels and think "This editor seems as complex as an industry standard video editor". I'm looking forward to what they're planning next, very curious how they could possibly one-up the last update.

~rhythm

El Paso Elsewhere https://strangescaffold.itch.io/el-paso-elsewhere This was really fun & funny so far but unfortunately I had been encountering an issue with a certain level where the game would crash. I reported the issue, got a response, and there has been an update since then so I think there's a possibility that it got fixed but I have not tried yet. I would like to return to this sometime but having to relearn controls midway through is always daunting to me.

~?

-Things that looked good but didn't get around to-

Cosmic Wheel Sisterhood https://store.steampowered.com/app/1340480/The_Cosmic_Wheel_Sisterhood/ Still don't know a whole lot about this. But there are witches, and I like witches.

Casette Beasts https://store.steampowered.com/app/1321440/Cassette_Beasts/ I haven't felt thrilled about Pokémon lately. I know a lot of people seemed to really enjoy this little monster-collecting-rpg. The style is appealing to me as a die-hard gen 5 fan. I started playing it but haven't set aside the dedicated time for it yet, but I'm excited to dig in more when I do.

Little Goody Two Shoes https://store.steampowered.com/app/1812370/Little_Goody_Two_Shoes/ Started watching a friend play this, and I'm certainly curious.. Some sort of horror fairytale but also there's yuri? Yum. Enjoyed the style and animation in the nightmare segments that I saw.

Venba https://store.steampowered.com/app/1491670/Venba/ I've picked this up a while ago but still haven't gotten around to it, but I'm eager to, I've heard nothing but good things.

Goodbye Volcano High https://store.steampowered.com/app/1310330/Goodbye_Volcano_High/ I think there are gay dinosaurs in a band and it's going to be the apocalypse? I have also heard nothing but good things about this.

-Things I watched friends play-

Signalis https://store.steampowered.com/app/1262350/SIGNALIS/ This was a pretty big one. You probably already know it, right? Watched a friend play this and I missed various parts but I understood a solid bit of it. hey. robotgirls are always getting put in these fucked up situations. have you noticed this? one time i got really high and cried about it. it isn't fair

Bomb Rush Cyberfunk https://store.steampowered.com/app/1353230/Bomb_Rush_Cyberfunk/ This one was also probably big enough you don't need me to sing its praises. but it looked really neat. swag.

-Various Thoughts-

Lately I've been thinking more about design and narrative. I feel like I haven't been doing as much analysis as I should be when it comes to games. I want to dissect more what games are saying and figure out meaning. Also attempt to see how the mechanics aid in that. I feel like most of my own work is pretty abstract & random. I simply make what I like. While that's fun and all, I still want to improve in a lot of ways, especially in having more of a theme or message. Figuring out how other games accomplish this is obviously a good step toward this.

If you saw games here that interest you I highly urge you to take a look, many are pretty short, and I pretty explicitly wanted to highlight some smaller titles. If you know me you know I like to uplift small games. (Save for the occasional big game, but that's rare these days) I think it's healthy for you to play and support independently developed & published works. I don't want to ramble too much this time about why that's important, but I hope that you might have found something you may enjoy here and if not then I encourage you to find small stuff that you would like. And I would like to encourage everybody to share their findings as well! Little games need our help to be seen and talked about! They don't have the budgets the big ones do for advertising, and advertising on your own is a whole ton of work. If you like something, spread the word! I'm sure the developers would very much appreciate that.

[quinnkdev]

hey. you should play "swollen to bursting until i am disappearing on purpose".

rare for a game to make me want to make fanart. rare for a game to have such similar inspirations to something i made and to take then in such a different direction. very captivating and affecting.

[mochela]

[ophanimkei]

i want to lay my head in your lap

[eggmixercortex]

SWOLLEN TO BURSTING UNTIL I AM DISAPPEARING ON PURPOSE - DECEMBER 7TH

[1207cbc]

our horror RPG "SWOLLEN TO BURSTING UNTIL I AM DISAPPEARING ON PURPOSE" is out now for free on steam!

please share and check the game out!

[starbage]

hi ! i was wondering what games/media inspire your projects, and are there any games that you would recommend playing if i am highly interested in your works and works like it ?

Hi anon. This is a thoughtful question. I forgot to answer it for a few days, sorry lol.

I feel like everything I ever consumed probably amalgamates into one big glob of ideas in my brain so that question is hard to answer, but for the most part I play random indies I find on itch.io... I feel like I don't watch/read enough things, and when I do it tends to be me catching up on (usually cult classic, but i will watch anything that catches my eye) anime/manga I missed way too late (see: me watching lain for the first time recently). shimeji simulation, yokohama shopping log, and alien9 are some mangas that have wormed their ways into my heart this year too. Life experiences also tie into my works a lot obviously. It's all really dependent on the specific project.

as far as actual recommendations go... I have a few.

you can't go wrong with the rpgmaker tag on itch.io. A few personal favs that are freeware include Red Trees, Paletta, Starbot, Temmie Chang's games, Astrid & the Witch, re:curse, Grimm's Hollow, the list could go on forever really. Swollen To Bursting Until I Am Disappearing on Purpose is also a great one, but might not be very "like" the stuff I make. I dunno. Anodyne, and basically anything by Analgesic Productions inspires me a lot. But that was the first game of theirs I played and it greatly inspired the game im working on now. Moon Remix RPG is another inspiration for my current game, mostly with the item system. The world feels so surprisingly alive, I like it very much.

Super Lesbian Animal RPG is one of my favorite games ever for obvious reasons. It's a bit of a different vibe from the other stuff here since it's like, actually a 20-hours-or-so rpg, but I think anyone who likes my work will probably enjoy it too. It also just looks so damn good. I want to be that good at pixel art someday.

Basically all of these are topdown 2d games, oops... I promise I play other things. But this answer is already kinda long so I guess I'll leave it there :p

[cryptic-eccentric]

I'm thinking about writing up a guide for SWOLLEN TO BURSTING UNTIL I DISAPPEAR ON PURPOSE (see the pinned post on @/1207cbc for download). I've yet to beat it quite yet but I've made it decently far in over the course of 4 hours and a handful of partial playthroughs.

There isn't much online about it yet so I thought a crappy haphazard guide/walkthrough would be helpful.

I'm considering just setting up a google doc and updating it sporadically until I have it finished or something idk. I just took my melatonin.

I am very much enjoying it so for though. If you like Yume Nikki i'd suggest trying it out, do mind the content warnings though.

[mara-ganger]

Ever played Deepwell or Swollen to Bursting Until I Am Disappearing on Purpose?

no for deepwell but absolutely for swollen to bursting until i am disappearing on purpose. love that game like nothing else

[fuzzafterhours]

SWOLLEN TO BURSTING UNTIL I AM DISAPPEARING ON PURPOSE

Played on February 2nd 2024 https://1207.itch.io/swollen-to-bursting-until-i-am-disappearing-on-purpose I played this mostly blind and it hit me like nothing ever has. I wholeheartedly recommend it. never has a piece of media seen the pain I've gone through on quite that deep of a level. it feels pointless to talk about the gameplay. the music and visuals are immaculate and raw. (very much anticipating that soundtrack release.) i will just say if you like yume nikki and petscop and feeling things about yourself give this a shot. art is fucking cool.

[quinnkdev]

Just wanted to say, I'm looking forward to when you write about why you stopped using RPG Maker 2003! It sounds like a very interesting read to me, as I myself eventually want to write about why I keep crawling back to it, ha! (It's mostly how it comes with the most out of the box compared to later RPGMs, whose scripting capabilities are useless if one doesn't feel up to learning the code... at that point I may as well start coding from scratch, which is exactly the path you seem to have taken, fittingly enough! It's not satisfying to try and master an RPG engine when know I can't do anything remotely cool with it without learning something completely different.. I boil it down to 'you can't make Yume Nikki with newer RPGM default tools', but I definitely want to expand more on the thought) I haven't had the time or energy to try any of your games yet, but I'm p sure we used to be in a Discord server together, and looking over periodically and seeing how much progress you've made has been really cool, so I'm excited to get around to trying them! Someday I too want to learn a proper coding language and move away from RPG Maker, but until then it gets the job done for me (especially with the recent Maniacs Patch mod that greatly expands what it can do).

Wishing you luck on your current project in the meantime!!

hey, i had this lying around in my inbox for entirely too long - and for that i apologise, i wasnt really sure who you were until i followed a context-cue from your blog to your art-stuff just now. good to have heard from you again, and no hard feelings :,)

rm2k3 is decidedly a development space that makes sense. hell, on the side, i am currently making a small game in it again with a friend (no ETA yet). something nice about a path of less resistence towards something neat youve been thinking about.

the maniacs patch is definitely something i took note of out of the corner of my eye (and in watching riggy2k3's streams on occasion), but having released two games in the engine on steam, i kind of dont think that i can take it on board as the future of my commercial game efforts.

as much as it hurts to admit, i cant think of game development as my fun art anymore - i have to sell the things i make in it now, and rm2k3 games arent very well equipped for that. they dont interlock well with steam, meaning you can't give players achievements or even let them take screenshots through the platform (something a lot of them are VERY unhappy about). that, and tons of QOL problems (one time, somebody refunded a game of mine because it was "too small, hard to see" - rather than realising there was a way to fullscreen it).

regarding yume nikki likes in newer rpg maker versions - i mean, id say "swollen to bursting until i am disappearing on purpose" by december 7th does an admirable job of being one made in rpg maker mv! but of course that one uses tons of plug-ins.

bottom line: programming isnt desperately needed if you primarily like making games for the fun of it (and seeing that you predominantly make fanworks, id wager thats your main objective! good! :] ). if you need to earn a living (like... me :( ) then you may have to bite the bullet.

[mochela]

her hands

[hellsite-yano]

Ever played Swollen to Bursting Until I Am Disappearing On Purpose? (Boy, that’s a mouthful!)

I played this two days ago actually and didn't really enjoy it much.

[visd3stele]

The beauty and his beast - wolfstar fic

summary: two different nights, years passed, some things changes, but some never do

TW: nightmares, PTSD, trauma, non depictive child abuse, themes of suicidal thoughts

A/N: I loved writing this, but I am so nervous about it. What do you think?

requests ; masterlist

fanart credit picture down below: @lunopal

Ragged voices licked his ears. Three different ones overlapped in a cacophony of hissed whispers and dooming laughs. From where he stood in the middle of his cell, Sirius could see a silhouette standing in the open door. Open, because there was no way he could escape. Three Dementors floated in a circle around him, so fast he could barely tell them apart. Black smoke, a burning smell and shadows whirled under low hoods, bringing him to his knees.

The man in the door curled his lips in a terrible grin. The Dementors were his and with each mind they broke, with each soul they ate, the wizard gained a sense of pride and morbid joy.

Sirius knew it. He knew the man, back in his school years - how far they seemed now! But Sirius also knew he was delusional. The Dementors bow to no one. They have no law, no caretaker, no master. Only their purpose.

Continuing to swirl around his frail body, sinked in to a third of what it used to be, bony edges poking out through dirty thin layers of clothing, the Dementors closed in on Sirius. Flashes of memories flew before the Animagus' eyes. James' empty ones, still open in a silent plea for his sacrifice to be enough to save his family, his brown hair dipped in his own blood, body angled in an unnatural position with his hand stretched forward above his head as if reaching for his best friend. Lily's tears, yet to dry and evaporates, stained her too pale face, the red of her hair sprayed around too lively; no blood pools formed around her lifeless body, laid on its belly as it fell onward, as if leaping away from her son, so the baby won't have to see it. And finally Harry, his godson, crying in his crib, a brown-red crust shaped like a lightning forming on his forehead; his green, small eyes, swollen, puffy and trimmed with red followed his godfather as the man turned his back on him and ran outside.

Sirius cursed loudly, beginning to shackle the chains trapping him in place in case he tried to escape the daily visit of the Prison Warrant and his guards. But the now twenty five years old has stopped trying to run a long time ago. What good would it be? There was nothing - no one - waiting from him out in the world. No, Sirius trashing around the cold, dirty dais, snapping the metal biting in his wrists, bruising his effervescent skin and almost cracking his bones as well was his attempt to run from his own mind. If he could just wipe the haunting memories away with a shook of his head, a twist of his back or punching and kicking the thick walls.

Fragments of thoughts he wasn't sure belonged to him invaded his mind. "Your fault. Traitor. Another Black." And, worst of all, one pained howl, a desperate scream in the night. Sirius wasn't sure if he heard it, or the dark creatures around toyed with him, but Remus' wild, feral yell of pure hurt reverberated inside the bars of his mind. The young wizard shut his eyes closed tightly, hoping to brush away the sound, the voices. Failing to do so, he released a scream of his own, only a hint of Padfoot, the big, black dog, his alter ego, printed in it.

The thirty four years old man yanked up. The bed sheets were soaked in his sweat, the blanket throwed on the floor. Sirius passed a shacking hand over his face, feeling the hot air leaving his mouth in short breaths, than big inhales with no exhale, the burning of tears on his warm red cheeks and the running nose. His lips felt sewed together all of a sudden, as chill after chill entered his body, cooling off his face too quickly.

It was just a nightmare, he knew. He escaped Azkaban, has been a free man from over a week already. But Sirius Black couldn't let the twelve years in prison go. The things he saw there, what the Dementors showed him day after day, carved their way in his brain, refusing to leave. Yes, he may have been wrong: his family and living friend welcomed him back. Harry was warming up to hid godfather, Nymphadora Tonks was eager to know her uncle, Andromeda even reached out, sending letter after letter and Remus - well, Remus hugged him tight and apologized for believing that filthy rat's lies. The werewolf spent his days, from first ray of sunshine until the last drop of sunlight. But the nights he went home. The nights when ghosts came to play, wounds teared open and pain leaked like blood from Sirius' heart, Remus was gone.

He tried to remember a time they didn't share a bed - before Azkaban, of course. Not in a sexual way, though it came to that in the late years of Hogwarts too. But simply for the comfort they each found in the other. It started in the second year, Sirius recalled.

Four twelve years old boys in a room seemed like a receipt for disaster. In a way, it was. After finding out their friend's secret, James, Sirius and Peter decided to sneak in the herbology cabinet, get Mandrake leaves and become Animagus. Seeing as they got away with it, the four created their enchanted map and become the Marauders, messers Prongs, Padfoot, Moony and Wormtail, waltzing their merry way through Hogwarts.

Not everything was merry and joyful, though. And despite their reputation, the wizards could be grave and serious when need be. Like one night, when Sirius woke them all up with his cries. The grey eyed boy stood on top of his bed covers, knees drawn to his chest, hands tangled in his shoulder length hair. He leaned back and forth, trembling. Front teeth bit in his lower lip to prevent him from making more noises as silent tears rolled down his face.

The other three boys thought Sirius saw a mean spirit, the haunted glassy look in his eyes only proving their theory further. But no danger threatened in the shadows of their room. No monster lurked in the darkness.

James was the first to get up and surf his way to the pure blood. Remus followed closely behind while Peter watched everything from the safety of his bed. Sirius' episode truly spooked him.

"Padfoot, mate, what's wrong?"

"Nothing. 'm sorry. Go back to sleep."

James and Remus changed worried looks at the sourness of Sirius' voice. Their friend would usually be the epitome of confidence, yet now he seemed to desperately try to shrink and disappear. But it was late and they were tired, so the boys decided with a swift nod that they'd pick up the subject in the morning and climbed back under their covers.

Remus jolted awake. Two out of his three best friends were sound asleep. Sirius still stared at the wall in front of him, breathing jerky. Due to his fine, superior hearing, the werewolf discerned the Black boy's muffled whimpers, sounds that kept him from sleeping.

"Sirius, why are you so afraid?" Remus whispered.

" 'm not afraid, Moony. Sleep."

"Can't. Werewolf remember? I hear you trying to not cry. You can cry, you know."

"I know." Sirius said in a tone that clearly showed he doesn't. With a sigh, Remus threw away his blanket, slipped his feet in his shoes and trailed his legs over the dorm's brick daises until he reached his friend's bed. The brown haired boy signed Sirius to scoop over, which he did, to both wizards surprise.

Later, when talking about that night, Padfoot admitted he was too tired, too shocked and too lost in his mind to think and only acted on auto pilot.

Remus brought the blankets to cover them both, still seated as they were. "Do you need a hug?" Sirius hesitated before answering, but eventually he nodded twice, a quick movement as if the boy was ashamed to admit it and wanted to pass unnoticed.

But Remus smiled softly and wrapped his hands around him. Sirius clinged onto his friend. The warmth of the gesture, the cozy closeness of a settled, stable body, a person that cared deeply about him and only him as a being, set the restrained tears free. Remus held Sirius until his body stilled and he could feel no more tears soaking his pajamas.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Sirius swallowed, but the words demanded to be spoken. "Yes."

"Alright. I'm gonna ask you questions and you can answer with yes or no. It's your choice if you want to elaborate. Sounds good?"

"Yes." Sirius said and for a moment his usual, ironic self showed up.

"Was it a nightmare?"

"Yes."

"About your family?"

With a shudder, the grey eyed boy forced out another "yes."

"Your brother?"

"No."

"Your parents, then. Did they - did they do something to you?"

"Yes." Remus' arms tighten around him and he clunged harder to his friend as well. In the safety of the Gryffindor dorm, shared with his most trusted peers, comforted by the scarred boy he became an Animagus for, Sirius stumbled over his thoughts. The dream weighted heavy on his mind, but he didn't know how to let free of those horrible images that haunted him. Not images, memories. Sirius feared that if he said anything they'll become real. Not that they weren't, but they happened in the past. Talking about them, invoking them, would feel like living through them again.

And yet, part of him wanted to talk. He needed someone to know. Sirius couldn't be sure why. Maybe to hear that it was nothing, that it was ok and he shouldn't be such a weak ship. Or maybe to hear it was normal and he wasn't alone. That is how parents love and his didn't hate him after all. Or just to show someone how broken he were, hoping to be picked un and patched.

So, speaking slowly, but evenly, Sirius retailed his nightmare to Remus. In his sleep, the twelve years old boy was hanging some muggle posters in his room: bands, promo for concerts, normal things a boy his age would own. He smiled broadly, music turned on quite loud, muggle music, when his parents bursts in. Walburga and Orion both yell, but Sirius can’t understand what they’re saying. It’s pretty clear they are very upset with him, though. And the reason couldn’t be more obvious. 

“Sirius Orion Black!” his mother shrieked. “Ungrateful, worthless child! You are a stain on the family’s name.”

“You should be ashamed of you. As much as I am for being your father. Well, say something. Look how upset you made your mother!”

“Sorry,” he’d try to say, but his voice would break, too small to be heard by the angry adults. Which only worsened their state. Sirius watched frozen in terror as Walburga took her wand. Only his head seemed to be able to move, and he was shacking it vigorously, wiping his cheeks with it. The young wizard tasted tears on his tongue as he repeated the same words over and over again “no, please, ‘m sorry!” It did nothing to help. 

Remus stayed in his bed that night.

°•▪︎~▪︎•°

The moon shone mockingly on the window. Last night has been a full moon and Prongs, Padfoot and Wormtail failed to properly contain Moony. It happened quite a lot in their first days as Animagus. As normal, they got better over the years, the four boys falling in rhythm like an oiled machine. By the time they reached excellency, though, mistakes happened. James, Peter and Sirius thought less of it, but Remus took it badly. 

As he laid in the dark, blanket drawn to cover his head as he hugged his knees on the side, the young werewolf tried to remember what happened last night. What if he killed someone? What if he will next time the boys won’t be able to restrain him? Is it worth living like this, a danger to himself and the ones around? What if he hurts his friends? 

“I can hear your mind working from over here y’know?”

Remus straighten up in shock. “Padfoot?”

“Well, it’s not the Fat Lady. What’s on your mind?”

Remus shrugged, but Sirius wouldn’t stop pestering him until he poured his deepest fears and doubts. 

“You won’t”

“How do you know this?”

“You won’t, Moony,” Sirius said more firmly this time.

“Alright.” Remus clearly didn’t believe him and his worries still troubled him as he turned to lay back down. He heard footsteps, then felt the mattress shifting as another body climbed over his bed covers. “I know because I am Sirius Black and you are my friend.” Less than an hour later, both boys were sound asleep.

Sirius slept in his bed that night.

°•▪︎~▪︎•°

It became a tradition. At first, they'd wait until one of them woke frozen in pain and panic, then they'd stay together and talk silently until they could sleep again. Later, Sirius and Remus would wait until James and Peter were out to decide who's bed to sleep in, knowing one of them - or both - ought to need the comfort.

The man kept trembling. His sobs caught in hiccups, leaving him out of breath. He did it. He left Harry for revenge. He practically made the choice for James and Lily, selecting Peter as secret keeper. His brother died and instead of mourning him, Sirius rejoiced bitterly in his cell - until he found out how he betrayed the Dark Lord.

He was just another Black. An evil presence in the world, despite his efforts. Gryffindor or Slytherin, it mattered not when his genes crafted him. Sirius tried so hard to be good, brave, loyal and the only thing he managed was to disappoint everyone. He was a nuisance and a burden and the a stain on the world. It'd be better if his sorry, useless existence would be wiped off the surface of the Earth.

Such thoughts clouded Sirius' mind when a light knock pulled him out of his head. "May I come in, Padfoot?"

The man almost broke at the nickname. Only one single person now would know to call him that. The weight of the realization hit him and another wave of tears carried the air from his lungs.

Receiving no answer, Remus kicked the door open, worry written all over him. The werewolf was panting and sweating from running, eyes wide close to terror. "Padfoot!" Seeing his oldest friend's state, he rushed to his side and hesitated only a moment before drawing him in for a hug.

"Nightmare?"

"Yes."

"Azkaban?"

"Yes."

"Dementors?"

"Yes. They-" Sirius gulped, shame tightening up in his throat. He was a thirty four man, for Godric's sake! And yet he cries like a baby. But the path he and Remus trailed off to, simple questions, any type of answer, so familiar and soothing he couldn't stop. "They tortured me. Showing me their - James and Lily's - death over and over. I left Harry, Moony. I stepped inside the house, saw that beautiful, brave child, suffering and I took off after bloody Pettigrew!" Before Remus could say a thing, Sirius continued, teeth so barred that words barely spitted out. "I heard you screaming too. I don't think that was real, but it sounded so broken, Moony. Twelve years, over twenty four full moons alone. 'm so sorry. It's all my fault."

Remus inhaled sharply, pulling Sirius even closer to him. He rubbed circles on his back, leaning to whisper in his ear "It was not, Padfoot. I should have trusted you more, star. If anything, it's my fault for spending so much time alone. So much, in fact, that it seems I neglected you, our agreement."

“It was my fault.” Sirius insisted.

“No,” and not letting him time to argue, Remus added “I know so, Sirius, because I am Remus Lupin and you are my... friend.”

Sirius pulled away only to find a reluctant smile playing on Remus' face. His body reacted before his mind could process its moving. He moved on the right side of the bed, still avoiding the other wizard's eyes. "Why are you here, Remus?"

"I couldn't sleep either. Thought to check on you as well. And good thing I did. You looked..." The professor didn't know how to finish that sentenced. Hollow. Empty. Dead. Scaringly close to death, in fact.

"Merlin! Thank you, Moony. You don't look bad yourself."

Remus chuckled. "Are you feeling any better?"

"No. You?"

"No."

Both men laughed. A bitter sweet sound passing through silence, taking with it any sign of discomfort that existed.

"I'm glad you came."

"Me too."

[itsmoonpeaches]

The Ocean Meets the Sky

Chapter 5: Stitches

Please note: Every prompt for this Kataang Week connects into an over-arching story.

Prompt: Healing

Story summary: After his battle with Fire Lord Ozai, something lingers within Aang's spirit. Katara is the one that pulls the seams back together. No matter what, Aang and Katara find each other.

Chapter summary: Aang’s vision swam. He was Kun, then he was Kureno, then Samaya, then finally himself again. One moment he was Yangchen, then Kuruk, Kyoshi, and Roku. The next, he fell into his body like a stone sinking to the depths of the sea.

-

Or, Aang tries to escape.

TW: implied/referenced suicide

Written for @kataang-week

Read on ao3 or ffn.

---

In a hazy, far-off lifetime that Aang could not quite recall, he was once a boy named Kun. A boy the people called a little too lanky, a little too tall, especially for his age. He had a mop of brown hair and a sprinkle of freckles splattered across his tanned nose. His eyes were a bright forest green that turned hazel with just the right amount of sunlight.

He was playful, sociable, a teenager through and through. He liked to make jokes about the way old men babbled about everything and nothing, and how the iguana parrots that the sailors insisted on taking with them on voyages in the fishing village he lived in squawked nonsensical things. He had a best friend who he deeply cared for that would laugh with him and play pranks on passerby on the docks, a best friend that understood his awful jokes.

“You’ll never become a respectable fisherman with that attitude, Kun,” his friend would scold him. “You gotta remember that the iguana parrots are the key to success!”

Kun would laugh and pat his friend on the back. “Who says I want to be a respectable fisherman? I want to be a pirate! I want one of my two front teeth to be made of solid gold!”

He was only fourteen, and no one took him seriously, least of all the adults. That is, until he accidentally bended the element of fire when he tried to protect himself from a scoundrel who he had dumped a basket of day-old fish on. An elder had seen him and that was that.

His world fell apart.

“You’re the Great One, our protector,” said an elder of the village. “You cannot live with us anymore. The trivialities of the human world should never touch you. You are too precious, the reincarnation of Yuka of the Water.”

He had tried to protest. “All because I can control two elements?” he questioned. He had felt the desperation as it caught in his throat, the absolute need to be wrong. But he knew in his heart of hearts what would happen. The same way he instinctively knew how to create flame, he knew who he was.

He was not human.

As Kun, Aang was taken from his family to a grand estate atop a mountain that had been built a lifetime ago. The walls were high, the hallways winding, there was hardly a person in sight.

They came to train him, to cower and grovel to him. He stayed there, knowing what had to be done because it was the way of things.

He stayed there because he had to. It was his duty, his purpose.

And he stayed locked away in a room with slats of light that streamed through the rice paper walls and sliding doors while the people told him that they adored him. They worshipped him.

He was, beyond all else, one of the spirits.

Yet, there was one who called him by name, who snuck around the guards when dusk fell, who threw a pebble at his window every other night.

“Are you there?” a voice would call for him from below, just above a whisper, just enough so he could hear. “I’ve missed you.”

So as Kun, Aang latched onto what he had left. He kept ahold of this person, this wonderful best friend of his. But one day the elders found them.

“You are meant to let go of all worldly possessions, as your other incarnations have!” they shouted at Kun. More than berating him, they said words that stung. “To have connections is to have possessions! You must never love!”

His best friend had disappeared the next day. He was told that they had gone somewhere far away, somewhere he could not follow.

He told himself that he could not love again. He was not human, not like the rest of them.

He continued his duties with diligence, with detachment, and the world knew peace for years.

Aang’s life as Kun was weary, and he remained weary. He had mastered three elements when he had held the plain porcelain cup in his hand. The warm liquid inside glistened. He took a moment to watch the yellow powder settle to the bottom, and then he raised it to his lips.

-

Aang’s vision swam. He was Kun, then he was Kureno, then Samaya, then finally himself again. One moment he was Yangchen, then Kuruk, Kyoshi, and Roku. The next, he fell into his body like a stone sinking to the depths of the sea.

His palms were sore and swollen. There was grime underneath his fingernails. A smear of dirt slashed across one of his cheeks. Remnants of his attempts to dig himself out of the Tree of Time dusted his clothes.

He had no bending to assist him, and no amount of spiritual energy could get him past the barrier that separated him from the rest of the Spirit World.

He did not know how long he had been inside the hollow of the tree. He sat there, silent. Visions of the past continued to flit by him, but he was used to it now. The words and phrases that the images buzzed became background noise, the kind of thrum that lulled someone to sleep. Nevertheless, it was also a persistent nuisance.

Over and over, he was forced to hear and see snatches of time. In a loop, in a never-ending cycle.

“I am sorry, Aang,” Raava murmured gently from somewhere inside his head. “I am truly sorry.”

He felt a brush of energy on his shoulder, as if someone was comforting him there. Something stirred inside him. It was a tingling sensation, a rush in his ears.

“Though perhaps, light always has a friend,” Raava added, softer this time.

The visions that drifted about him stuttered, stopped, restarted. Illumination flooded the tree hollow, and he heard someone calling for him.

“Aang? Aang!” they shouted. It echoed through the space. He knew that voice. He knew it like the back of his hand, like the wood grain of his glider staff, the tufts of hair on Appa’s back.

He blinked, and he was somehow outside looking in. He was standing just outside the barrier, and he peeked inside the tree. Someone else sat there instead of him, a familiar person. A girl wearing blue.

No, no, no. Not her. Not here. It was all he thought, all he could muster.

He pounded a fist on the barrier that separated them, and the sound pealed out across the realm.

In one, clear ring, everything became dark and blank. All of a sudden, he was floating in a world of bleakness, of nothingness. A void he did not comprehend. There was a constant ebbing and flowing of energy that engulfed him. Strings of different colors that made up pieces of him, pouring out of his heart like an unravelling tapestry.

Blue strings led to his left, his right. Yellows went above him. Greens squiggled to a place he did not see, for it was too far beyond him. Black and pink, lavender and orange, they tangled and furled from the opening in his chest.

“Give him back to me!” the voice bellowed again. It was louder now, coming closer.

Out of all the strings that drifted from him, there was a single red one. It led straight from his middle and outward, into a burst of yellow and gold.

Katara, in all her beauty and grace, reached for him across the expanse on the other side. Her arm outstretched from far away. She was a dot upon a distant horizon.

She grabbed a handful of strings, and then another clump of them, yanking him forward. Her hands moved in quick succession, and the strings started to detangle from the knots in which they came.

Katara was as dazzling as purifying light. She stitched his seams back together and told him how to heal.

[1207cbc]

THE FIRST TRAILER FOR OUR GAME "SWOLLEN TO BURSTING UNTIL I AM DISAPPEARING ON PURPOSE" IS OUT NOW! PLEASE SHARE AND SUPPORT!

It's a weirdo RPG influenced by games such as Chulip, the Resident Evil series, and Yume Nikki! It will be released for free on Steam this summer! It would mean the world for you to check it out!