aida-sparks · 11 months ago
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Buddie video from Eddie's POV
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nologiconlystyles · 2 years ago
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My favourite Tumblr friend @sun-lt tagged me to do this and I'm finally getting around to it now that my Work Week From Hell is over.
rule: tag 10 people you want to get to know better
relationship status: extremely married. Like, we commute together, work together, he still drops a kiss on my forehead every time he leaves a room even after almost a decade and a half together kinda married. He's unfathomably gentle with me, all care and kind hands and anticipating my needs, and it's... honestly kind of my favourite thing about life.
favourite color: I usually endlessly pontificate over this question but recently someone fixed me with a look and pointed out that it's definitely and obviously blue, sooo we're going with that now.
song stuck in my head rn: Honestly, the Night We Met by Lord Huron? I listened to it a lot when I was writing my fic and I've been revisiting that story lately, so it's been looping softly in my head for awhile. (Insert shameless fic plug here)
last song I listened to: Light Outside, by Wakey! Wakey! I'm always going to have a soft spot for music that came outta watching One Tree Hill.
And I
Will try
To get you up
Cause it's beautiful outside
And we'll fall
But we'll try
We'll do our best
And I'll love you all the while
Because you saved my life once
three favourite foods: Uh. Sushi? And like, anything salty. I don't have a hankering for sweet things, but I'll salt myself into dehydration easily. Pasta?? I dunno, I'm weird about food sometimes.
last thing I googled: "Lewis Capaldi Harry Styles kiss" shfgdksf because I was showing the video to a coworker for reasons
dream trip: going to see my best friend in like, two and a half weeks, so rn that's the only trip I've got on my mind.
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riversofmars · 2 years ago
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Chapter 19: Flashback
Escapism is a wonderful thing. Whether it‘s through stories or simply a break from the day-to-day. Having time away from the things that weigh you down is freeing, restorative and just what‘s needed every now and then. That‘s exactly what our excursion to Africa felt like to me. I had been getting so bogged down in the oppressive reality of being stranded in 2020, haunted by past demons rearing their heads and caught between my feelings for Helen and the obligation I felt to Tania. Being away changed all that and gave Helen and I the opportunity to work things out. Finally, I was seeing things clearly, freed of an emotional burden that I had been buckling under and I got the sense that Helen felt better for it too. The honeymoon phase, as you might call it, would not last for very long. We were due to make our return to London and with it, to reality.
“Wakey-wakey, rise and shine!”
We woke to River’s sing-song voice. I groaned. Sleeping sitting up in a car was far from comfortable. My neck ached and my left arm had fallen asleep and yet, I couldn’t help a small smile when I realised why. Helen stirred on my shoulder, her head nudging against mine as she sat up slowly and released the tight hold that she’d had on my arm. It was hard to tell whether her cheeks were rosy from sleep or if she’d blushed, still somewhat insecure about being in my personal space, but either way, she was a lovely sight to wake up to.
“Sleep okay?” I questioned softly and shook out my tingling limb, hoping she wouldn’t take offense at the gesture.
“Yeah, I suppose…” She answered and sounded quite drowsy still. Her blonde hair was tussled, the bun halfway undone in her sleep, and she yawned. I don’t think I can quite describe all the emotions I felt: the deep adoration the endearing image evoked in me, the surprising contentment and comfort of waking up next to her, and the longing to lean over and kiss her good morning. I settled for allowing her to come around in her own time as she blinked against the lights that were illuminating the inside of the car. Outside, it remained pitch black. Perhaps we hadn’t slept for quite as long as I thought. I looked around as well and it seemed the Doctor and River had swapped places as the Professor was in the passenger seat now, looking around with a knowing smile but silent.
“Where are we?” I asked to avoid any comment that she might have been saving until we were fully awake.
“Little air base we came across. We‘ve been driving for a while but should have a few hours of cover of night left. The Doctor is just having a look if there are any usable planes, if so, we might be able to make the hop across to the British Isles tonight,” she answered pleasantly. “Maybe you should see what she’s come up with? I imagine she’s expecting you to fly it.”
“Yeah, I guess I’d better,” I nodded and cast a quick glance around to Helen. She gave me a soft smile and nod of agreement. It wasn’t that I needed her permission of course, but I knew it meant leaving her with River. That wasn’t a problem as such, their friendship was certainly closer than between River and me, but I expected Helen might become subject to probing questions from the professor, which I wasn’t sure she would appreciate just yet. The fact that Helen didn’t seem to care was reassuring. Perhaps she wasn’t quite as insecure in her feelings as I feared. “See you in a minute,” I reached for her hand and gave her a reassuring squeeze before getting out of the car.
The night-time air was pleasantly cool as it hit my face and blew away the remnants of sleep. I felt surprisingly well-rested. My dreams had turned more mellow, recalling events that weren’t entirely unpleasant and I knew Helen’s immediate proximity had a lot to do with it. I smiled to myself, allowing for a brief moment of joy, as I looked around to see where the Doctor had gotten off to.
Airbase was a generous term for what I found. With only the light of the moon to guide me, I found my way in between two large hangers alongside a short airstrip. Touchdown and refueling, that was all I could imagine had taken place here, but I spotted one of the hangars having been opened - with a sonic screwdriver I imagined - and a figure was moving in the shadows, skirting a small plane.
“That’ll be cosy,“ I commented as I stepped into the hangar. The Doctor looked up, her face illuminated by the shine of her sonic screwdriver, and she grinned:
“And much better suited to flying under the radar as it were,“ she observed and gave the hatch a buzz. Results were instantaneous as the plane‘s security features were no match for her implement of choice: the hatch creaked open and lowered to the ground. Without hesitation, she climbed inside and I followed. It wasn‘t a bad find. The small military plane was made for five people, a pilot and four additional seats behind, two to either side. It would serve us nicely.
“Fuel?” I prompted the Doctor who dropped into the pilot seat and set about checking the state of the vessel. I leaned onto the back of the pilot seat, looking on, familiarising myself with the controls already. They weren‘t much different from the passenger plane we had used on the way here, which made things easy.
“Full tank by the looks of it,“ the Doctor answered, evidently pleased. “Luck is certainly-”
“On our side, yes, makes sense,“ I completed her sentence as it was an observation we had made far too many times by now. It did get me thinking about the potency of the quantum crystalliser and its limitations. A small part of me wondered if its presence had influenced the way in which Helen and I had been able to make sense of our feelings; if under different circumstances, we would have continued the painful back and forth that I feared would have broken me in the end.
“Doesn’t mean we can get complacent,“ the Doctor interrupted my musings. “There is a lot that can go wrong at every turn. It’s not a guarantee,“ she warned sternly and jumped to her feet.
“You don’t have to tell me,” I hummed, casting a glance at my bandaged forearms that rested on the headrest of the pilot‘s seat. I straightened up as well. “But yeah, this seems perfect, I can definitely fly it.”
“Wonderful,“ the Doctor grinned and offered up the seat to me. “I’ll get the others, you start her up.“ She skipped past me towards the hatch.
“Sure thing,” I agreed and dropped into the pilot seat, testing the yoke in my hands.  
“Liv?” The Doctor spoke and I turned in my seat to look around, curious as to why she was delaying.
“Yeah?” I responded and found her looking at me with a smile that reminded me an awful lot of the Doctor we usually travelled with. There was a softness about her expression, a sense of boundless optimism and joy.
“I’m happy for you,“ she said simply and not unlike a proud parent. While perhaps slightly bewildering, it wasn‘t unpleasant as she seemed so utterly sincere. “Truly. It’s been a long time coming.” She gave me a smile and since I am me, I couldn‘t simply accept her warm words gracefully. I gave a snotty response that made me feel less self-conscious:
“You know, if it was that obvious you could have said something, saved us the time and-” I argued but the Doctor just chuckled and interrupted:
“Would you have listened?”
“Well-” It was a fair point. I didn‘t like taking the Doctor‘s advice at the best of times - certainly not without a lot of complaining. If they had offered their advice on matters of the heart, matters where I wouldn‘t have taken kindly to them interfering, it would have resulted in nothing but a lot of sniping and sarcasm. The Doctor had a point.
“Nobody can convince you of the things you’re not ready to hear,” she elaborated knowingly. “Helen needed this time. And maybe you did too.”
“Maybe…” I conceded, and the Doctor ducked out of the hatch, leaving me to the controls and my thoughts.
---
“This is snug,“ River commented and while I didn‘t turn to see what was going on in the passenger seats behind me, I could imagine her taking full advantage of sitting so close to her wife.
“It is rather,“ Helen agreed, sounding amused.
“You won’t hear me complaining about being stuck in a tight space with three gorgeous women,” the professor carried on her teasing and the familiar wave of jealousy I felt way back when River and Helen had been keeping secrets behind my back resurfaced.
“River!” I shot her a stern glance of warning over my shoulder. I couldn‘t leave the controls, or rather, I wouldn‘t. Not after what happened last time. Even as I allowed the autopilot to steer, I scanned the dark sky with keen eyes. So far there were no Daleks in sight and we had been flying for a few hours.  
“I’m just saying, the fun we could have,“ River replied innocently and flashed me a bright, playful smile.
“As nice as it is to see you again, that’s not an image I need in my head,“ I retorted as dryly as I could manage,though I was glad for the interruption of the tense atmosphere. The Doctor had taken to fiddling with the crystalliser, Helen seemed somewhat lost in her thoughts, and River was clearly bored.
“I, on the other hand-” she hummed mischievously.
“River!” I snapped again, taking great offence at the notion that over over-active imagination might involve my girlfriend. The term was unfamiliar still. It thrilled and unnerved me in equal measures. It just didn‘t sit quite right with me, strangely. Tania had been my girlfriend... but for Helen, the term seemed so... weak. It didn‘t do justice to describe how I felt for her. I cast her a quick glance and caught her looking at me. Where before, one - or both - of us would have turned away, pretended to be doing something else, I smiled at her and she mirrored me. I was pleased that she didn‘t seem bothered by River‘s constant innuendo, she simply leaned back in her chair shaking her head at our friend, bemused.
“Looks like we’re entering British air space,“ the Doctor interjected to change the topic of conversation.
“No fun…” River huffed in response.
As we approached London, I felt the weight of reality slowly setting in and my thoughts turned to the concerns Helen had uttered. Being off on an adventure with the future Doctor had been a strange break in the day to day, we had hit pause on where we had been, and the closer we got to London, the more real things became. The honeymoon, wonderful as it had been, had been short-lived. I considered asking the Doctor to take over for a minute, just so I could be close to Helen for the little time we had left before our return. Perhaps I could steal a few more kisses in the twilight of the back of the plane…
Every now and then I thought I could feel Helen’s eyes on me and wondered if she was thinking the same thing.
“Is that London?” The Doctor asked when the lights of a big city came into view on the horizon. She had taken to pacing the small plane, pushing past River and Helen‘s knees to their constant annoyance. She came to stand behind me, peering out of the windscreen with the sky slowly greying as dawn was breaking.
“Of course it is, can you think of any other big sprawling cities that we might be heading towards in this part of the-” I quipped, as usual jumping at the chance to poke fun, but the Doctor didn‘t let me finish. She grabbed my shoulders in a bid to silence me.
“Liv, Liv!” She shushed me and drew my attention back to the city we were approaching, gesturing towards the lights. Time Lords had superior eyesight so it took me a moment to realise what she was referring to but then, I saw it too. What I had presumed were the bright lights of London, were in fact skyscrapers that stood in flames.
“Oh my God…” I breathed and the horror must have been more than obvious in my voice.
“What is it, Liv?“ Helen sounded immediately concerned and I heard belts being unbuckled as I didn‘t answer, stunned into silence. I clawed my hands into the yoke, knuckles turning white, as I fought the memories of Nixyce VII back. This was not the time or place, I had to keep a level head. I knew what it meant to see a city burn and dread took me over like a gust of cold wind that made me shudder and cease up. Moments later, River was behind me too, whispering curses under her breath as she took in the destruction we were approaching. Helen was there as well, to my right hand-side and she audibly gasped at the sight of her hometown. I released my tight hold on the steering, with one hand at least, and quickly reached for hers. I couldn’t bring myself to form words but I squeezed her hand and knew she understood.
“What happened?“ Helen broke the silence at last, her voice trembling, and I held on to her tightly.   
“Something must have prompted this,“ River observed darkly and my thougths jumped to our friends that were somewhere down there. The Doctor, Kate, Osgood, Tania, Martha, Yaz, Ryan, Graham...
“I’m taking us straight down!“ I announced, unwilling to waste time on indecision. Our friends needed our help. They might be injured or worse... I eased the yoke down. “I’ll find a place to land, a park or-” The plane was small. I knew I could practically land it anywhere and in the ruins below, it would hardly make a difference if I caused some havoc of my own. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. My brain simply refused to compute it.
“Is that wise? What if the Daleks-” River sought to protest but the Doctor was quick to agree:
“No, no, she’s right, we can’t waste any time.” Her voice was uncharacteristically calm, utterly devoid of the bubbliness and joy I had come to associate with her. It only drove home the seriousness of the situation. “People need our help. Our friends will need our help.” She confirmed what we all already feared.
“It‘ll be alright,“ I told Helen, averting my eyes from our approach for a moment, just long enough to pull her hand to my lips and press a kiss on top of it. I didn‘t know how else to give her comfort, not when I was struggling with my own demons.
“How? How could it possibly be alright?“ She whispered in response and I didn‘t have an answer.
“Buckle up, Helen,“ River took the initiative and ushered Helen back to her seat. I released her hand unwillingly but knew it was far safer.
“Hold on tight,” I told them as we approached central London and I aimed for Hyde Park.
---
The one saving grace was that there were no Daleks as yet. I didn't know why and where they had retreated at the time but I wasn't about to question it as we touched down in Hyde Park. It was a rough landing but I managed to avoid knocking into trees and there were far greater concerns than our comfort.
"Everybody okay?" I questioned when we had come to a halt and the engines fell silent. I looked around to find my friends already on their feet.
"Stay behind me," River advised sternly, readying her blaster. I could hardly argue with that. We were about to walk into a war zone with the rest of us unarmed.
"First aid kit, not much but it's something," the Doctor threw a small parcel towards me as I got out of the pilot seat. She must have found it under one of the seats. She followed River who was opening the hatch, and I met Helen in the middle of the plane, waiting right behind our friends.
"This is not how it was meant to go..." She said softly and I knew what she meant. The timeline had just taken an unexpected turn for the worse, one that had never been mentioned in the notes River had provided us with. From here on in, everything was new, the only advantage we had left was River herself and given the concerned expression on the professor's face, that was not a guarantee.
“Good God…” Helen mumbled as we climbed out of the small plane. There was a lot of smoke and the air was cold despite the fires that were flickering and dancing in sharp winter winds.
“Where is everyone?” River questioned, looking around. The park was empty of humans and Daleks alike. A few trees had been singed, a couple continued to smoulder, and I realised they weren't fresh flames. They were dying down.
 “Guess the attack happened a while back…” the Doctor observed the same thing as we ventured further away from our plane. Even as we arrived on the main road beside the park, there was not a living soul in sight. There were, however, bodies. Helen clasped her hand to her mouth and I carried out the grim task of checking for vital signs, knowing full well I wouldn't find any. Anyone who had been able to had fled and barricaded themselves away, and while I couldn't see any Daleks anywhere, I knew we would do well to do the same.
“We need to find the others, get out of the open. If the Daleks are around, they would have seen us landing and will come to investigate," the Doctor instructed.
"Let's get a move on!" River urged us along, towards the underground station at Hyde Park Corner and I realised why: there were Daleks at the far end of the street, shooting towards us. They must have indeed witnessed our landing.
---
It was a mad dash to the underground. River was down the stairs first and her arms flung out to slow our advance!
"Careful!" She yelled, nearly tripping over the rubble that obscured the steps. Destruction had rained from above: half of the entrance to the underground station had collapsed.
"Keep going, it's our best option. We just need to get into the tunnels," the Doctor was bringing up the rear, urging us to keep going as bolts of energy shot over our heads with the Daleks growing closer.
"Euston isn't far. Four or five stops," Helen confirmed and River sought a way forward, keeping a close eye on the stability of the ceiling as we pushed on. We clambered over bits of wall and metal railing that had come loose.
"If the tunnel hasn't collapsed," I observed grimly, dreading what we would find as we advanced further. We were hard-pressed for other options but the thought that we might be heading for a dead-end occurred. "What happened here?"
"Something really, really bad. We won't find out until we find the others," the Doctor put the matter off. The 'what had happened' was obvious enough, the 'why' was the more pressing question.
Luck was, as ever of late, on our side. The underpass at the bottom of the stairs was mostly unharmed, seemingly made of sturdy stuff. The Doctor guided our way with her sonic screwdriver, the only light source underground. Inside the station, schedule boards and overhead lights had crashed to the ground, a wall to the left had collapsed, but for the time being, the ceilling appeared to be holding and the escalators were unobscured. The one thing that was an awful lot to deal with was that there were more bodies: not many but enough. People that had sought to flee into the underground much like us and appeared to have been shot down in front of the ticket barriers that had hindered their flight.
"HALT. DO NOT MOVE OR YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED," the Daleks screeched, moving along the underpass behind us, blue blasts of energy shooting down the tunnel, illuminating our surroundings in garish hues. Their metal voices echoed through the chamber and startled us out of our petrified horror.  
"Keep going!" River shouted over the sound of energy weapons fire and readied her blaster once more.
"River, what are you doing?" Helen exclaimed, mortified as the professor retraced our steps.
"If I can make the underpass collapse-" She answered, aiming her weapon up.
"What makes you think it'll just be the underpass?!" I shouted, realising her intentions. "We might get buried alive!"
"Not with luck on our side!" She gave a daredevil grin and beside us, the Doctor blasted the ticket barriers with her screwdriver.
"Keep going you two!" She told us sternly as River took a first shot at a Dalek that had made it within range. She didn't seem to want to risk collapsing the roof until we had made it further into the station. The Doctor tossed me her sonic, our only source of light, then reached into her coat and retrieved the Quantum Crystalliser. “Take it with you, just in case.” She pressed it into my hand and I didn’t want to take it. It was as if she was allowing for the possibility of them not making it but I knew I couldn’t argue. 
"Come on, Helen." I pushed the Crystalliser into my pocket, then grabbed Helen’s hand. We didn't have a moment to lose on indecision. Neither River nor the Doctor could be reasoned with once they had made up their minds so it wasn't wise to try and delay. We had to trust them and I did. Keeping Helen safe became my priority, as it always had been if we're being perfectly honest. As the Doctor joined River, I pulled Helen with me.
"Liv-" She tried to protest but I didn't relent. The escalators weren't far. I clasped the sonic as firmly as Helen's hand, lighting our way as best as I could. The escalators at Hype Park Corner were incredibly steep and we hurried down as fast as we dared.
We were halfway down when the explosion rocked the underground station, the sound of collapsing stone echoed down the tunnels and I lost my balance, my footing and the sonic screwdriver.
And the world was plunged into complete darkness.
---
The lights went off expectantly as I was elbow deep in the engine array. Bright illumination to pitch black. It did what it surely had been intended to do: disorient, unsettle and hinder any progress we had made in the test so far. You would have thought I was used to it by then, after weeks of various tests measuring out aptitudes and problem solving skills, but some obstacles were impossible to prepare for. I wouldn't have expected my reaction to be as strong as it was but those things were far beyond my control.
"Shit!" I gasped as I touched my wrench to a live wire. Not enough to seriously harm me, but enough to give me a painful jolt.
"Liv?" Dal’s voice sounded across the intercom. It was a joint test, all four of us had different tasks and I realised I was falling short and letting my team down by stalling.
"Yes, I'm here, I'm nearly done," I shot back, trying to get back on track with the repairs to the power connections.
"Just keep going, you can do this blind if you need to," he encouraged calmly as a good captain ought to, but sadly I wasn't quite the model crewman. My journey - still unknown to my teammates - had left many marks and bruises, some of which I hadn't really been aware of until that moment.
"I am doing it blind!" I snapped, airing my frustration with myself. As I felt my way forward to the next step, my hands were shaking.
The darkness was all encompassing and I felt an unfamiliar sense of panic slowly creeping up my back. Cold sweat gathered on my forehead and the muscles of my chest cramped up, squeezing my lungs, unwilling to do the work they were designed for. It wasn't the task itself that was to blame. Dal was right, I could do this blind! I'm a good technician and I had the designs and schematics of the Orpheus down flat, we all did. We needed to. All sorts of circumstances could befall us on the way to the end of the universe, we all had to be capable of seeing to our ship. Emergencies like a sudden loss of power, drifting through space, unable to carry on with our journey. Perhaps the engines had exploded and-
"You can do this, Liv."
I squeezed my eyes shut, fighting the rising panic as a flash of memory forced itself upon me. Memories of working my way through computer systems and data highways, memories of an explosion and the power failing, memories of floating in suffocating darkness, awaiting death.
"Nearly there."
I tried to concentrate, mapping out steps in my mind's eye and letting my fingers do the rest. My heart was going at a frantic pace. As I recoupled the connectors, I counted along to the beats, hoping it would help slow my pulse but it didn't. I was just short of going into arrhythmia, I could sense it. Maybe this was it: full metabolic collapse. I knew it would happen eventually and could at any time. The beginnings of a panic attack might be just the thing to kick it off. I waited for the thundering in my ears to fall silent, for things to end, if they had to, paranoid about every skip of my heart, every sharp pain, every-
I continued working as if on autopilot, hoping it would distract me from my looming demise but it didn’t. While I wasn't dead yet, I might as well keep going.
The last set of link-ups connected and with it, the lights turned back on. It was almost as disorienting as the plunge into darkness had been. Applause sounded at another task completed and slowly, the panic that had been squeezing my chest dispersed and allowed me to breathe more freely again.
I stepped away from the engine array and dropped the wrench unceremoniously into a nearby tool box. My head was spinning and I considered the irony if after everything, I simply collapsed now. My heart began to slow but not because it gave out, I was able to relax.
"Are you alright, Med-tech Chenka?" One of the staffers inquired as they set up the room for the next practice run.
"Yes. Quite. Just need a moment..." I tried to sound reassuring, as I pressed my hand to my aching chest.
"Do you have a problem with tight spaces?" The staffer frowned, trying to make sense of my state of being. "Or with pressure? You have to be absolutely reliable. Do you have an issue with the dark?"
"No and surely, it doesn't matter," I interrupted, trying my best to sound calm and collected when in reality, my mind was still aboard the isotope carrier, fighting back the darkness. "We completed the task, right?"
"So you did," he couldn't argue with that. We were interrupted by the door to the practice suit sliding open and revealing Dal Broke.
"Well done, Liv," he praised with a kind smile and I barely managed one in return. My body was still shaking from the unpleasant experience. He seemed to notice as much as he turned to the staffer to carry on: "We've been at this for hours, how about a break?"
"We are due to break up for lunch, yes," the young man confirmed. "Testing will resume in an hour." The ISI were running a tight schedule and gruelling as it was at times, it was also nice to be back in a routine. So we nodded in confirmation and the captain led me out of the room.
"Are you alright, Liv?" He asked, as we made our way down the corridor, at the end of which Vi and Bron were waiting for us.
"Yeah just... wasn't prepared for the lights to go out..." I hummed, not exactly eager to share any more than that, particularly when we were about to rejoin our colleagues. I had managed to build something of a relationship of mutual respect and appreciation with Dal over the past few weeks. The same wasn't quite true for the other two.
"I can sense there is a story there," Dal observed and I shook my head, almost instantaneously.
"Nothing worth telling..." I assured him and it was obvious that he didn't believe me.
"Hm..." He gave me a quick sideways glance. "Does it have something to do with why you're here?" He pushed on. "You haven't spoken much about that."
"And I'd rather not," I countered as Vi and Bron joined us.
"I think it would help if you did. Not only to build our relationships but also to-" the captain carried on and I interrupted him, pre-empting the curious glances from the other two.
"I'm sure ISI have a psych on staff that will help me work through my trauma in due course."
"You do keep your cards close to your chest, don't you? I'll figure you out eventually," Dal gave a good-natured laugh as we made for the dining hall.
"Excuse me everyone?" It was one of the lead scientists that approached our table once we had settled for lunch.
"Not a moment's peace and quiet..." I mumbled into my salad and Dal gave me a bemused smile. The scientist however remained unfazed:
"I am pleased to announce that all test results thus far have been exemplary. Your abilities compliment each other and you have developed into a well-working unit. We will be moving forward with all of you once all the formalities are out of the way. Our focus will shift from assessment to preparation."
"Excellent," Dal beamed and Vi and Bron seemed pleased as well. As for me? It wasn't entirely surprising, after all the time they had invested in us already and given the fact that we had become an excellent team. Either way, it was a relief. I was about to join in with the raising of glasses in celebration when the scientist focused on me.
"Records indicate that you still haven't completed your physical, med-tech Chenka?" It was an accusation hidden in a question and it pushed my body back towards panic. I did my best not to let on.
"Oh uhh yeah... just haven't had the time," I tried to put him off. I had yet to find a way around the whole thing. If I had a proper physical, my condition would immediately be revealed and that would be the end of the whole experience.
"It's just a formality, a last but necessary thing to be ticked off the list. You'll be excused from the afternoon activities to take it. We want to move forward as quickly as possible so if for whatever reason your health is compromised, we would need time to find a replacement."
"Right, yes of course," I tried my best to remain calm. I had to find a solution and quickly.
"This afternoon please!" He prompted, making clear that there would be no more delays.
---
Helen's arms were around me in an instant and we braced against the handrail of the escalator. It was pitch-black, we wouldn't have seen death hurtling towards us if the tunnels collapsed in their entirety but at the time, I took solace in knowing if that was to be, I would die in Helen's arms. We waited for the tremors to subside or death to find us - whichever happened first - as we cowered together, hands digging into shoulders and arms, holding onto each other as much as we were holding our breaths.
"Are you okay?" Helen whispered at last and I nodded, doing my best not to let the darkness unnerve me.
"Yes, I think so, but the sonic... must have tumbled down the steps..." I reported mournfully though the far more important thing was that we were alive.
"We may yet find it," I could tell Helen was trying to sound optimistic but her voice came out flat, echoing through the darkness.
"Just hold on to my hand," I told her, attempting to muster optimism of my own and pushed away the thought that River and the Doctor might well have been buried in the collapse. "How did we lose the sonic when we have that blood lucky charm..." I huffed and Helen gave a chuckle:
"If in any other iteration of this, we would have fallen to our deaths, I suppose that is the least unfortunate outcome..." I could feel her reluctance as we slowly made our way down the stairs, feeling our way forward in the dark. "River and the Doctor-" She said at last, explaining her holding back.
"-will be fine, they will catch up, we have to keep going," I tried to sound as sure as I possibly could and ignore the nagging doubts.
"Liv... I really don't like the dark..." Helen squeezed my hand as if to make sure I was really there.
"Neither do I," I conceded. "Always been a bit of a weakness..."
It was a long way down still.
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embrassemoi · 3 years ago
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Surrounded by the Moon and Stars ✷ 18
Pairings: Sirius B, Remus L, [F]Reader   CW: mentions of abuse, throwing up, depression, horrible coping mechanisms, implied sexual references   A/N: Read CW for this chap.
【 Masterlist: Previous Chapter | Next Chapter 】
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Chapter 18: Love Isn’t a Magic Potion
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February 14th, 1976
There wasn’t quite another person like James Potter who knew what unrequited love felt like.
After years of harbouring feelings for Lily, making a fool of himself, his failed attempts of trying to impress her; she never seemed to take interest. Lily always sent him disgusted looks, never passing up the opportunity to call him a dirty arrogant toe-rag.
And sure, it phased him sometimes; her words cutting deep, but despite it all, James still believed in the fairytales, the sparks, the magic of true love, finding your soulmate — your better half. His parents were his main inspiration for love. Years — decades they’d been together and still, the love they held for one another, so fierce and unstoppable, it even shocked James at times.
A long time ago, when he truly understood the concept of love, he made a promise that he wouldn’t settle for anything but for the fairytales, the sparks, the magic of true love, finding his soulmate — his better half.
He wanted all of it. The good days, the bad days, the glitter and sparkles, the cheesy one-liners; long walks on the beach, nursing them back to health after they caught the flu, watching the sunsets, dancing in the rain — even the stupid petty arguments. He wanted all of it.
No matter how long it took to find them, he would; after all, everyone had their person.
Maybe that’s why he chased after Lily for so long — hoping for that romantic love — the love that’s made for movie screens — the type of love that conquered all. But he wouldn’t continue to beat on a dead horse, especially if Lily didn’t want that.
He wouldn’t force her and certainly, he wouldn’t harass her.
But, James would consider himself lucky, he found his friends — they were already his platonic soulmates and he’d go to the ends of the earth for each of them. His parents, the Marauders, Marlene, now Whiskers; he was always surrounded by only the purest amount of love.
He was never a person to cover up his emotions — hardly, that is. He wore his heart proudly on his sleeve, never once letting others dictate his life and the way that he loved. He laid himself bare, open, and there was a beauty to it that words couldn’t describe.
Love truly conquered all, whether it be romantic or platonic.
But to the women that fell in love with Sirius Black, well — there wasn’t quite another group of people like them who knew what unrequited love felt like — not even James ‘Oi, Evans!’ Potter could compare. 
Love is shit.
Love is cruel.
Love is unfair.
Sirius would go on date after date. One fleeting look and soon enough, he had women at his feet, falling for his devilish charm that captivated them in seconds.
They swooned over his chiselled jaw and thick glossy hair; eyes so mysterious with profound, moonlit mirth. The epicanthic folds highlighted his sharp and pointed look that they swore cut through them, searching through the deepest part of their souls.
He was a part or used to be a part of the oldest and most noble Pureblood families in the country. He was rich, of high status, French, could speak five languages and a mischievous bad boy straight out of your classic Muggle film.
Falling in love with Sirius Black was an easy task, so simple and it could happen in a blink of an eye. The realization would come either fast or slow depending on the poor lovesick git who let themselves fall.
But getting Sirius Black to return that affection was an impossible task.
He was raised as a gentleman and would play the part before becoming bored. They were all fillers, the people he dated.
He would admit it, he’s a bit of a dick.
He never fell in love with anyone he’s dated so far — never got past the fancying stage and even then, it was never strong. It never made him feel those butterflies that James described them as. His heart never jumped, never sped up fast, he never felt his skin heat nor did their laugh ever put him into a trance — nothing like what he described them to be like. If anything, he’d always break it off with the girls he found himself getting too comfortable with; always severing it before it became too much.
Although, it technically never was his fault that they fell in love. Most of his admirers like to daydream from afar, or they’d make a promise at the beginning — no strings attached.
Well for them, it did. It almost always ended with strings attached with Sirius holding a pair of shiny scissors at the end of fried thread.
He did not believe in the fairytales, the sparks, the magic of true love, finding your soulmate — your better half.
But that doesn't mean he didn’t want it.
But, above all, Sirius Black considered himself to be a realist. Unlike James, he couldn't — he wouldn’t let himself believe in that shit anymore. Love is disappointing and it does nothing but hurt you, nothing but a filler he used to distract himself with, no matter who it was. Love did not fix his fuck ups nor himself.
All of the adoring admirers, the ones that lined up for him, they would all leave if they caught a glimpse of the worst parts of him. The ugly, nasty parts. He used rage as a means of defence, he pushed the people he loves away, he was moody, dramatic and above all, reckless.
All they wanted was to take, use him for his body — they wouldn’t love him if they knew him. The real him: the ugly side along with the beautiful one he wore. The side that wasn’t always adventurous, daring, bold, brave… happy, go-getting.
Nobody would stay for the ugly part of him.
In that regard, Sirius was unloveable. Completely, utterly unloveable.
Currently, the uglier, caged part of Sirius re-emerged as he writhed around in his bed. Eyes moved rapidly behind eyelids, squinted in pain as he squirmed around, clutching the bed sheets tightly. His head flopped from side to side as he was unable to wake; stuck in a nightmare.
“You mudblood lover —” “Don’t call them that!” “Babies, Regulus, babies!” “It’s killing me to stay.” “CRUCI —”
Sirius woke with a jolt, choking on a strangled scream that clawed at his throat. His mind seemed to be encased in a wordless static, muting him to the noise around him as he felt the rapid, hard thumps against his chest. Distantly, he could feel his body raking in waves as the sticky, cold feeling of his sweat dripped from his temple and down the side of his face. It made his hair stick to his forehead uncomfortably yet somehow, despite the sweating and the overwhelming feeling of heat, he felt ice cold.
He swallowed thickly, sniffingly away the stinging growing behind his eyelids but failed as a few stray tears had already settled on his cheeks. Sirius looked around frantically, meeting the familiar red and gold bed sheets that were now pushed off of him as he sat upright in his bed. Red velvet drapes hung around the sides, pulled together as slivers of bright light sliced through them. It made him squint and focus on the surroundings.
Soon enough, it felt like a weight lifted off his chest, marked in unspoken forgiveness once realizing where he was.
You’re safe, his inner voice spoke firmly, It was just a dream. A dream.
“Wakey, wakey Padfoot!”
He had just enough time to wipe the freshly fallen tears away before James ripped back his curtains, jumping into his bed. He drew a deep sigh, avoiding James’ eyes and trained them to look outside.
Upon the grass and mountains, snow sprinkled on much like sugar over a cake. The distant chirping of birds could be heard singing their usual song, or more like an alarm clock, as they soared high in the sky without a worry in the world.
If only Sirius could be a bird, what a simple life he would lead.
“Fuck you,” groaned Remus, “He might be awake, but I’m not.” His eyes clenched in annoyance, throwing his blanket over his head.
“Well aren’t you lovely? Isn’t he, Sirius?”
“The loveliest,” he managed to grit out, throat groggy and dry.
“Shut up!”
“Okay, calm down big bad wolf.”
“Well,” he mocks James, his voice going an octave higher, “This big bad wolf can maul you.”
James beamed brightly, the ever morning person he was, unaffected by Moony’s response. Instead, he padded his way over to him, shaking him before Remus flipped the covers off his body, tackling him into his bed.
“Do you guys think I should cut my hair?” James managed to get out as he gasped. Remus sprawled out on top of him, pinning him in place as he was being crushed from his weight. “I want to make sure I look good for today.”
“You’re always in need of a trim,” Peter called out.
“You look fine,” Remus added, “Besides, you and scissors are not a good move right now.”
Meanwhile, Sirius’ stomach felt hollow, worry ate at his very being before he felt something rise within his throat. Quickly, swinging his legs over the edge, Sirius made his way to the loo in a rush while James and Remus were both distracted.
Peter was there, rifling through the cabinets with his toothbrush dangling from his lips. “Morning,” he said, not quite looking over to him, “Do we have any more toothpaste? I keep telling Prongs not to use so much…”
“Get out,” he managed to say before shoving Peter out of the door, closing it shut. He barely managed to cast a silencing charm before opening the lid of the toilet seat, throwing up. For the most part, Sirius gagged on air before finally attempting to collect himself, preventing hyperventilation.
Foolishly, even up until that dreaded night, Sirius had an ounce of hope. For what exactly, he wasn’t sure. Perhaps it was hope that Regulus might have turned out different, or maybe it was hope that he’d finally be accepted, even though he knew that would never be the case — never with parents like Walburga or Orion.
But every time he dared to dream, to hope, he was always quickly reminded why it hurt. Hope was dangerous, a false sense of reality — a taste of what people dreamt and chase for but could never quite grasp.
It was more addicting than any kind of alcohol he drank — or the girls — or pranks.
Eventually, he got up from the floor, jumped in the shower and followed his morning routine before wrapping a towel around himself and stepped out.
Sirius was drying his hair before catching a glimpse of himself in the large mirror in front of the sink.
Sirius had never been insecure about the way he looked. A part of him, the arrogant and narcissistic part of him knew that he looked good and he’d flaunt it. But there were times like today, where he’d look at himself, but feel as if he’s looking at a familiar face that wasn’t his — a monster reflected back.
He wondered if this is what Moony felt like.
For a moment, Sirius let his face rest, allowing the helpless, loitering fear and guilt he felt engrave its way onto the smooth surface of his skin.
The eyes looking back at him today were his father’s, his hair reminded him too much of Regulus, his high cheekbones reminded him of Walburga and the tired, slightly crazed look reminded him of Bellatrix.
A member of the Black family, that's what people saw when they first looked at Sirius, the heir of the most noble and ancient house of Black.
Sirius Orion Black.
Orion Black… Even his name made him want to cry out in rage. Another reminder.
Pushing back his wet hair, he studied the faded scar that disappeared into his hairline.
It was more apparent than ever that Sirius had scars.
But unlike James, whose scars were from happy memories of the Quidditch pitch, or Peter, whose only scars were from chopping chocolate for a fancy baking recipe — and lastly, Remus, whose scars were visible, laid out for everyone to see, Sirius’ scars were invisible.
He wore them day in and day out without anyone ever knowing.
With a blink, he drowned out his thoughts immediately; his dreams, his past, his thoughts were for another time.
He sucked in a breath, clicking the door open.
Remus was the only other person still in the dorm. He stood in front of the mirror, buttoning up his white school shirt before ducking down and grabbed his bag, shoving in books, his wand and any other loose pages of parchment that he assumed was for his little study group.
“Where’s Wormy and James?” He asked, not liking the way his voice sounded wobbly and hoarse. His eyes no longer peered up at his chap, instead looking around the room. Anywhere but his face.
Thankfully, Moony didn’t seem to notice, preoccupied with the now overflowing pile of Valentine gifts and cards on his bedside. He grew frustrated with them with every passing second as they littered his space.
“Accio bin!”
The black bin from across the room flew into Remus’ hand, quickly shoving the letters in but soon a guilty look flashed across his face.
Remus had always been too considerate about their feelings, perhaps Sirius should take a page from his book.
Sirius had a pile accumulating on the carpet beside his trunk; it seemed like more and more people every year were confessing their feelings, but this time, Remus seemed to be getting a lot more along with the rest of the Marauders. But he smiled, happy to know that Remus had been getting some action. He fucking needed it.
“Er — sorry, Pete’s off to Wood’s room to borrow their toothpaste and James —” Remus cut himself off, bringing a hand to the sides of his temples as he moved them in circular motions. “I’m pretty sure Prongs went to find Y/N. Something about finishing a sign or a song for today —”
Sirius bit back a laugh, “A song?”
“I guess he’s fucking Paul McCartney now.”
Remus passed him, disappeared into the loo, giving enough time for Sirius to get dressed.
It was his third dream that week about that night and it was wearing down on him emotionally. He was losing sleep, he wasn’t eating, he was reclining from the Marauders, he was so prone to anger; lashing out, yelling… he didn’t like how he was acting — it reminded him too much of Orion.
And the thought made him sick to his stomach. He didn’t want to be a monster.
Lost in his depressing thoughts, Remus re-entered the room. But instead of walking up to his bed, Remus halted, looking directly at him before he crossed the room, putting a protective, encouraging hand onto his shoulder. A serious and calculated look crossed his face.
“Do you need anything?” He spoke in a hushed voice, as if he were to speak any louder, the walls might hear.
Sirius felt unexpected annoyance brewing in his chest. Bloody fucking Lupin, of course he knew — using his heightened senses to sniff out his distress.
Unlike Sirius, who hid his emotions, who covered and buried even a sign of weakness, who searched for answers high and low, Remus was so blunt — clear cut with his emotions. He knew just what to say, knew what was happening before others did even if they hadn’t even spoken yet.
He wished his thought process was as clear-cut as Moony’s.
“What do you mean? I’m fine,” he said, faking nonchalance. Jokingly, he prodded Remus’ cheek with his finger, “Turning into Moomy, again?”
His friend did not smile, concern still latched on.
“You know I’m always here for —” Before he could say anything more, Sirius hastily grabbed his bag, slinging over his shoulder, bolting out of the room.
Hiding — running away from his problems — that’s what Sirius was an expert on. And like that, he switched off that part — the ugly, unloveable part of his brain for the day.
When Sirius reached the Great Hall, he wasn’t surprised when a dozen owls bombarded him with letters and chocolates. It brought a sly smile to his lips
What? He did say he was arrogant.
“Looking grand, Black,” Marlene teased as she observed the overflowing amount of cards already in his arms. She ruffled his hair as he was forced to take the seat next to L/N. Marlene turned to chat with Dorcas, who finally was back on her feet and kicking it.
“It’s not even eight and your bag is filled?!” Peter exclaimed, baffled.
A part of Sirius didn’t feel annoyed as he sat beside her. Maybe it was because his main stressor, the Black family, was out of the picture and he’d been desperately trying to control his lash outs, but Sirius was stumped. Since the break, especially after the ‘Muggle’ incident, he found himself tolerating her presence.
Just a bit.
He understood why James, Remus, Lily, Marlene; why everyone took a liking to her.
But he had an inkling as to why.
Although, his mixed feelings towards her were not helping in the slightest as he dealt with the string of recent events in his life.
She was the one that spoke first, which surprised him.
“Ugh —” Y/N fiddled with the hem of her robes, “Kettleburn wants us to switch the Puffeskin between us. I was thinking since we’re in the same house, we could keep it in one of our dorms. I was thinking about keeping it in yours.”
“Why not yours?”
“They liked to hatch in warm places. Your dorm has a fireplace, right? I remember James telling me you had one… And it would make it easier since women can go into the boy’s dorms.”
For some reason, he couldn’t stop himself — he just couldn’t. “I bet you’re trying to get off quick.”                
The accusations did not sit right with her.
For someone like Sirius, someone who dealt with the worst shit imaginable; someone who'd been beaten down, both metaphorically and literally — someone who by the textbook was supposed to curl in on himself — keep to himself, be small, avoid drama, don’t cause arguments — Sirius did anything but that. Everything he did, he made sure to cause a reaction.
“No —”
“Are we about to argue because you want to win, or is it because you want to learn?.”
“You’re so arrogant. I don’t need you for grades. Your brain probably grew twice in size when I turned you into a dog.”
“Didn’t ask.”
“Then why are you replying?”
Sirius rolled his eyes, “Very creative.”
“Do you ever just shut up?” She snaps. Her face inched closer to his.
Unbeknownst to her, for a second, a second that he’d never admit, Sirius' brain falters. They hadn’t been this close to each other since that day after Kettleburn had assigned their group project. He catches the smell of faint floral — tulips, he thinks. Or maybe vanilla? Books? Tea? He couldn’t place it.
But his heart did a funny thing. It never does a funny thing like that and it concerns him. He wasn’t sick, was he?
Silence lingers.
L/N scoffed, “Well finally, it looks like you have.”
Although, she seems completely unphased by their closeness.
“Huh, you really do shut up.”
He snorts, his brain finally working again. “You nag an awful lot.”
“Well, you —”
“Whiskers. You’re a woman, how do I look?” James asked. He came bouncing up to them across the hall from the entrance. He twirls a little, showing off his outfit. In one hand, he held a sign and a bunch of roses. “Would you fancy me?”
“Dropping hints, are we, Potter?” She smirks playfully, “Anyway, I know you nicked that from Sirius.”
Sirius looked over to him, his head nodding up and down but was surprised that she noticed the difference, “She’s right, that is mine. Maybe that’s why you look so good.” He meant for the remark to come off as a joke, but cringed as the words spewed from his mouth. He sounded like a complete arse. 
James ignores him, “I have everything planned.” Then, he holds up a sign, all in baby pink with hearts dancing across the page as a huge message declaring his affection for Emmeline was written in bold fonts. I looked fairly cheesy, but that was James for you. A romantic at heart.
“Well,” he starts, clearly happy, “Do you like it?! I’ve also got a song written!”
“Remember the last time you wrote someone a —”
Y/N kicked him, hard, under the table, which caused Sirius to look at her sharply before his face turned annoyed again. She hadn’t even glanced his way yet. She continued to calm James down, giving him a pep talk while Sirius would jump in with encouraging words.
“Of course we love it — is it for Lily or —”
James shakes his head and they both knew who he was referring to.
“— Then Emmeline will love it even more! Get the girl, Bambi!”
James smiled triumphantly, sticking his fist out for a fist bump before running off happily towards the Ravenclaw table.
“Y’know,” Y/N starts, talking to Sirius as they both watch as James gets up on the table, preparing to serenade Emmeline in front of the entire Great Hall with a guitar that vaguely looks like Remus’. “You can choose not to be a dick.”
Surprisingly, he laughed, small, but there. And then, he finds himself responding to her comments, “I beg to differ.”
“Then beg.”
Sirius’ eyes widened, feeling his mouth go dry. He bit the inside of his cheek, eyes fluttering shut a couple times. It didn’t help that she smirked at his reaction and it made Sirius feel funny. An odd swoop piddled at the base of his stomach.
“I’ll take that into consideration for later,” he settled on.
Remus and Lily waltzed into the room, both holding small cards of their own. L/N and Sirius shuffled over as much as they could to fit in with both Remus and Lily. 
A part of Sirius’ routine had started incorporating Lily doing his hair. Most often, she did pretty braids or buns — but of course, not without James pouting to him later. He only hoped that with Emmeline’s new presence, James would stop.
“Ooo la-la!” Y/N mocked, swiping one of the cards from Lily and Remus. “You two are popular.” She turned to face Lily.
“It’s n-nothing, really, “Lily stuttered, her head ducking down. But her eyes seemed to look up at her, seemingly in hope of some recognition.
“Don’t be so modest!”
“A-hem!” James’ bostal voice. His foot wobbled on the edge of the table that made them all nervous if he were to fall. He finally concluded his song. Lily looked over and smiled, glad to know that James had finally chosen a different target to annoy.
“Fuckin’ barmy,” Remus muttered out, a hand going to cover his mouth in suspense. His hand travelled down to his chin-stroking his jaw.
“Emmeline, thou beauty —”
“Oh my god,” groaned Remus again, sinking in his seat from the second embarrassment but smiling nevertheless.  
However, Marlene whopped loudly, a large grin on her face.
Lily looked over to the scene, her eyes finding their way back to L/N, Peter paled slightly at the scene, Marlene was howling in laughter along with Sirius.
But much like himself, L/N found herself laughing with them too.
Her laughter rang out, and Sirius found himself drawn to the noise. But what was worse, was that he wanted to hear it again.
And even though he knew that other women and even men were staring at him right now, ready to give him all their affection and attention, Sirius found himself unable to look away from her.
He felt his palms getting sweaty, his heart beat harder, he wanted to sit closer to her and a smile tugged at his lips but he forced it down.
Fuck.
It was almost as the realization hit him there like a thousand tidal waves.
His heart jumped, it sped up fast, he felt his skin heat and her laugh put him into a trance — everything like what James described it to feel like.
If it was what he thought it was, Sirius wasn’t quite pleased with his newfound knowledge. He already had too much shit to deal with and certainly, someone like her was not worth it.
As the thought arose, there was something else that pulled him from these thoughts; it was the very shit that Sirius was dealing with, coming to haunt him again.
Regulus entered the Great Hall and Sirius had the urge to run to the nearest bin again. He hadn’t seen him since that night.
Within seconds, Regulus sensed his gaze and their eyes locked.
He wasn’t proud of Regulus, if anything, Sirius resented him — hated him and his entire body spiked in anger as he stared at him. He chose his path. But he couldn’t help but feel immense, dreadful guilt.
He could’ve done more, been there for him more, talked to him more. There were so many possibilities, so many outcomes and Sirius managed to end up with one of the worst paths imaginable.
He both wanted to scoop him up in his arms, cry — hold onto him tight like how they used to years ago, but the other part also wanted to take a Beater’s bat and swing a Bludger at his head.
His head shook slightly, just enough for Regulus to get the hint.
There was a hard, hopeless expression on Regulus’ face as he seemed to take a sharp inhale, his shoulders slumping within every passing second.
They were from two separate worlds, more evident than ever now. They weren’t brothers, not really.
Two of the brightest stars were torn apart forevermore.
Once the bell rang, Sirius sprang out of his seat and walked down the halls. He dodged owls, letters, chocolates and even a few love potions. There was a familiar void that punched its way through Sirius’ chest.
It was too early for firewhiskey, he couldn’t get knackered, he couldn’t talk to James, not when he was this happy and getting a pack of smokes from Remus — he’d bloody know within seconds what was wrong and call a Marauder's meeting or sort out some intervention for his sanity. Besides, he needed to apologize to Peter for how he acted that morning.
So the next best thing; snogging — a quick shag.
The next girl that tossed a flirtatious wink his way, he immediately approached. She was pale, had brown hair, soft skin and he vaguely recognized her but couldn’t quite place it. They flirted, Sirius would suggest it, she smiled, nodding her head and giving out a breathless sigh as Sirius dove for her lips, walking into the nearest broom closet.
Things were fast, almost a blur. She reached down, fumbling with his buckle before it clanked to the floor; he unbuttoned her top, hoisting her up and pushing them against a wall. She let out soft whimpers and he groaned into her neck.
The sensation, the building pleasure had left as soon as it came, leaving him feeling empty once more. He peeled off the girl, checking if she was alright like every other time. He didn’t know her name, forgetting it, and smiled awkwardly as she dressed.
He watched her leave the broom closet, the door clicking softly behind her. He could hear the faint scuffle of her shoes as she skipped down the hall excitedly. She had gotten what she wanted, a piece of Sirius; the Sirius that he put out — the pretty, nicely packaged Sirius.
Bent down, sinking to the floor, rocking on the balls of his feet, arms wrapped tightly around his legs and his head resting on his knees; emotions pooled through Sirius, attacking his frail heart.
Sirius laughs; it was dry, sad, pathetic, defeated. It was hard enough to hide with smiles, pranks, the random girls, sex, but those happy hormones that he craved, it was never, ever enough.
He couldn't go on like this, he had to fix something because something else was bound to break.
His laughing became strained as the walls of his throat began to close, eyes filling with tears. But now, finally alone, he let them cascade freely as his quiet sobs echoed in the dusty closest.
Love isn’t a magic potion.
━━━━━━━━━༻✩༺━━━━━━━━━
【I hope it was clear in this chapter that in no way am I trying to romanticize Sirius's trauma】
110 notes · View notes
ursie · 3 years ago
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Obligatory pjo for the fandom playlist ask game
Brown Eyes by Lady Gaga - Selina (and Charlie)
Fortunate Son by CCR - controversially gonna say Luke here and not Percy
Front Porch by Joy Williams - Hestia (also gives me Sally and Nico vibes ngl)
I'm just a kid by Simple Plan - PERCY
Million Years Ago by Adele - Nico
Fast Car by Tracy Chapman - THEE Sally song
Feeling Sorry by Paramore - Thalia
Light Outside by Wakey!Wakey! - Annabeth
Girl Crush by Little Big Town - Drew
She by Dodie - Pipes
Give me a fandom, and I will put my playlist on shuffle.
The first ten songs that come up, I will match with characters of the that fandom.
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killingsboys · 3 years ago
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hi jamie!!!!!! how about the ⛅ emoji
hi w!!! 💛
light outside by wakey!wakey!
caution by the killers
fearless (taylor's version) by taylor swift
glory - live from capital studios by bastille
pretty places by aly and aj
karma by sarah kinsley
itchin' on a photograph by grouplove
send me an emoji and i'll put together a 5-10 song playlist!
4 notes · View notes
ambrial-blog · 3 years ago
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Blitzo winces, his head throbbing painfully, eyes sore and sensitive to light. He groans, his mouth as dry as cotton.  
Where was he?. 
What happened?
The last thing he could remember was Stolas’s face hidden behind a menu: bits and pieces of that night flooded back to him as he awoke strapped to a table. 
The Boss imp cries out in pain, feeling his bones contort, shrinking he struggles in his restraints: which had specs of blood, blotted everywhere. his limbs were both sore as his head lulled listlessly to the side.  
He was inside a tin, rusted out old trailer hidden in the back of Asmodeus’s grand house of lust. His cries were muffled by a strap of leather bound to his mouth. 
The scarlet devil whimpers, but it is no use. No one can hear him cry. With tears in his eyes, he looks around: he was attached to a makeshift lab. There was an IV drip that lead up and into his arm. His eyes wide and fearful, he searches the room. 
Fizzorolli’s grinning face pops up in his line of view. 
“Wakey, Wakey BlitzO,” 
“Bad dreams?” Fizzorolli said while adjusting the drip. 
-
“Here, let me get that. After all, were family” Too bad about your sister should’ve fucked her when I had the chance. 
“But then again, she wasn’t you,” Fizzorolli told him. But I’m going to give you another chance the jester spoke. this time you’ll be happy with what you are. No memories of your past life as a boss imp will exist.
“No-one, will find a sad little BlitzO. You can smile at last,” 
Blitzo held back the tears collecting at the corners of his eyes.
“Your body is already regressing.. soon your mind will follow,” the jester told the Harlequin. 
An image of Barbie-Wire plummeting to her death burns through his mind as Blitzo closes his eyes. He could still hear her piercing scream echoing through his head as she called out for her little brother. 
The sudden gasps filling the big top, and Mammon standing up in the bleachers with a worried look on his face, his eyes locking on the surviving sibling. Fizzorolli had planned it all out. 
He’d finally be sharing the limelight with his obsession. But this time would be different, the jester told himself as he pours some water into Blitzo’s mouth. I’ll groom you BlitzO. Mammon will have no choice but to take you back to Loo-Loo-land, where he will work you until you can no longer move. 
“I can’t have you. Stashed here, it would be too obvious your little critters would try to find you. But when they catch onto what I’m planning for you, my Harlequin, it will be too late,” He cackles.  
-
 Each day Blitzo would ask if anyone was looking for him, his hopes growing dim as each day Fizzorolli would lie to him. 
“Who would love you, you can’t even tell a joke right” the jester cracks a grin. But that will all change  
Blitzo hated to admit it, but his memories were fading. He couldn’t remember what he had said five minutes ago. When Fizz went away for the night, he’d take out his phone and look through some pictures, but he couldn’t recognize half of them. He stared for almost an hour into Moxie’s face before a name came to mind. 
He cried. 
-
Then one day, he asks if the jester if they were friends, and why would the clown put him through this amount of torture? Did he hate him? Had he wronged the clown?. 
How long had he known Fizzorolli?. 
Blitzo cries out, feeling his bones crack and contort as Fizzorolli checks on his vitals. It was already demeaning the way Fizz had put a catheter inside him.
Fizz was giving him a sponge bath. “We’ve always been friends. Don’t you remember Blitzo sneaking out to get some popcorn and snacks, watching wacky and zany cartoons on the projector outside the big top? The way your sister used to snitch on us when she caught us necking” “
“Snitches get stitches”, he sang-songed into Blitzo’s ear.  
“Barbie never liked me. She always thought I was a bad influence, so you see BlitzO, that’s why she had to go-”
Blitzo shook his head. Where did she go?
what was Fizz talking about?.
“you see Blitzo, you were lost to us years ago, you and your sister ran away from Loo-Loo-land leaving me behind,”
“I forgave you because she dragged you away from me. She’s always hated me!” snarls Fizzorolli. 
“What did you do?- fizz!” Blitzo cries. 
“I did what I had to, to ensure that you stayed, but you never did- you always wanted something bigger and better. You thought you were special BlitzO, the truth is you aren’t.” 
“None of us are,” Fizzorolli continues. Barbie filled your head with fairytales, but your mother dies, leaving Mammon to take care of two orphans” spat Fizzorolli.
Blitzo could’ve sworn he saw green fire flashing in Fizz’s eyes as he recoils from the jester. 
“you are going through some changes. Don’t be scared BlitzO, it’s for the best you want to be my friend right, to stay together forever. I can make that happen,” Fizzorolli told him. 
There were days, horrid days of clarity when Blitzo could recall everything, remember everyone: his daughter, his employees and Stolas.. pain sears through his chest as Stolas’s face flashes through his head. 
“Striker was right,” he thought. “He was using me. He would’ve found me by now if he cared.. but here I am alone with a demented clown. now he was regretting not taking the offer the cowboy had given him. The wrangler had given him a way out on a silver platter and the boss imp had spat at him. 
But he wasn’t thinking clearly nowadays. and as soon as he was finished with the de-aging process, no one would recognize him. The Boss imp was dead, long live on the Harlequin.  
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-
“Lookee here, what a masterpiece you’ve turned out to be” Blitzo couldn’t believe it at first Fizzorolli was unbuckling a few straps as he angled a long mirror so that the scarlet devil could look into the mirror. 
A porcelain face with a heart-shaped crest and black eyes peers back: he’s mute, he realizes as he tries to scream in frustration. The effects of the serum are not permeant but this is BlitzO. 
“Lets play pretend shall we, my little lost Harlequin”  
.Lord Mammon is coming for your debut. I can’t wait to show him the improvements I made. “So what do you say, that we give him a performance that will get him salivating for more?”
Blitzo gaped back into the full-length mirror, a silent scream mirroring his face.
“What-what did you do to me!” The Boss imp screams in his head. 
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thesightstoshowyou · 4 years ago
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Okok Pennywise fluff? If you can. Just a cute little thing with pennywise. If you need an idea maybe Pennywise seeing s/o dancing in their room on a rainy night then he decides to join in? And then cuddles after ?( ^ω^ ) hope you are doing well and this isn’t too much to ask.
I am doing very well! Thank you so much for the ask. You are very sweet, anon. I gotta be honest with you, though. I struggled with this ask! With the way I write him, I have difficulty seeing Pennywise in fluffy situations. But, I’m always up for a challenge. I’ve come up with a compromise that I hope suits us both. I’m calling it “creepy cute.” Enjoy :)
For familiarity, I’m sticking with the same reader from my other Pennywise fics on my Masterlist.
Warnings: Horror elements, nothing too crazy
             A movie plays on the television, one whose title you cannot recall. A heartfelt scene between generic man and woman characters reflects off your glassy eyes. Absently, you scratch the scabbed over bite marks on your shoulder.
             Your eyelids droop. You hover on the precipice of sleep, the movie’s soundtrack now a distant drone in the back of your mind. The muted colors on the screen begin to morph, growing bright and loud. A clown wearing red and white face paint dances around a neon stage, giggling and kicking red balloons that fall from an unseen ceiling.
             Your eyelids flutter. Pennywise points to the side of the screen and grins wide with too many teeth.
             Wakey, wakey. There’s someone at the door.
             BANG BANG BANG
             You jerk awake, sitting bolt upright. Disoriented, you look wildly around the room. The television is off—hadn’t it just been on—and the living room is quiet and mostly dark, only illuminated by the light from the kitchen. Rain pummels the windows and wind howls through the trees outside, lightning and thunder cracking overhead.
             You take a shuddering breath and realize you must have been dreaming of the clown again. They happen so often anymore, the dreams. You think you should be used to them by now.
             Dragging a hand down your face, you stand and head to the kitchen. You peek in the fridge and open cupboards, your body anxious to move and relieve your jitters. You decide to make a snack. Maybe food will calm you down.
             You choose a playlist on your phone, hoping some music will fill the uncomfortable silence broken only by the pitter patter of rain on the roof and the rumble of thunder. You push the tab on the toaster, mindlessly swaying to the music crooning quietly from the speaker.
             You sing along, tapping your fingers on the counter in time with the beat. You pause, falling still. Unease settles heavy in your gut.
             Your skin crawls. You tense. There’s something behind you, right behind you, breathing down your neck, hot, metallic breath that reeks of death—
             You whirl around, eyes wide and heart hammering. The kitchen is empty, save for yourself. You draw in a shuddering breath, gripping the counter in an effort to steady yourself.
             He’s here, somewhere, toying with you. You’ve long since abandoned the hope that these little occurrences are all in your head. The reality is far more frightening. Something hunts you.
             You shriek when the toast pops out of the toaster. Gripping your chest, you smile sardonically and shake your head. Fuck, you’re gonna have a heart attack—
             Suddenly, the lights go out with a click. You’re plunged into darkness. Your music slows unnaturally, tone deepening, a low growl replacing the lyrics and rising to a deafening roar.  
             You slap the screen and pause the song, your breath coming in rapid gasps. You sprint to the light switch, flicking it off and on to no effect. Trembling from head to toe, you wait for the laugh, the bite, the long, gloved fingers closing around your throat, the next trick.
             Nothing. The rain and wind still rattle the windows. Lightening briefly illuminates the kitchen and thunder booms. Nothing.
             Then—
             BANG BANG BANG BANG
             You yelp, clapping a hand over your mouth. Someone is pounding on the door, just like in your dream. Maybe it hadn’t been a dream after all….
             Slowly, timidly, you make your way down the hall toward the front door. You stifle a whimper as you round the corner to the entryway.
             BANG BANG BANG
             The door rattles with the force of the blows, the frame splintering, wood chips skittering across the floor. A scream tears from your throat and you jump back, tensing and wanting nothing more than to flee.
             Do you run? No, you’ve done that before. You can’t escape him. Then, do you open the door?
             You wait. And wait. Silence. Lightening flashes, thunder rumbles. Silence.
             Where did he go?
             You turn and run straight into a solid chest. Bells jingle. A white glove wraps around your throat, cutting off your next panicked shriek.
             “Rude, rude, girl to leave poor Pennywise out in the rain.” You meet his glowing yellow gaze, drool dripping from his full, bloody lips to splatter onto the floor between you.
           You don’t fight. There’s no point anymore, no escaping him. There was only ever one outcome. This doesn’t mean you are any less afraid, however. You’re shaking so badly your teeth are nearly chattering in your mouth. You wonder what fresh horror he has in store for you tonight.
             Pennywise tips his head to the side, leaning over you, observing you. He hums thoughtfully. The hand around your throat moves to your jaw and he gives your head a playful little shake.
             “Little thing.” Odd. It almost sounds affectionate, the way he says it, instead of condescending as it does normally. He leans low, burying his nose in your hair and inhaling deeply, “Want to know how your fear tastes? Sweet, honeyed, sticky, sticky girl. Addictive.” The last word is purred against your cheek.
             With a giggle he takes your hand, spinning you in a circle before pulling you back against his chest. His other hand wraps around your waist and he sways back and forth, just as you had in the kitchen. He takes a huge step, long, gangly leg reaching into the hallway, towing you with him as he goes. He’s swaying still, waltzing down the hall toward your bedroom. Frantically, you think this is, without a doubt, the most bizarre thing that has ever happened to you.
             As he swings you around, he hums a tune that sounds vaguely familiar but, at the same time, impossible to place. You struggle to keep up with his long strides, stumbling along awkwardly as he half drags, half swings you down the hall. He pauses at the doorway to your room to kick it open, laughing when it bounces off the wall.
             Once inside your room, Pennywise scoops you up and tosses you onto your bed as though you weigh nothing. You bounce, nearly rolling off the other side completely. Before you have a chance to right yourself, he’s gripping your calves, pulling you toward him.
             You expect him to tear off your clothes, but he surprises you once again by bundling you up in his arms and curling up on the bed. The way he holds you, tucked neatly under his chin, drowns your face in the ruffles of his costume and you must crane your neck to avoid suffocation. This close you can smell everything, the rotting carrion scent of his breath, the musty smell of his costume, the metallic tang of blood still lingering on his lips from who knows what.
            You can’t see his face from where you’re smashed against his chest so there’s no way to tell what he’s thinking; if he’s leering at you with all those teeth on display. What is he planning? The suspense is going to make your heart burst.
            “Wiggly thing. Hold. Still,” he commands, crushing you harder against his chest and burying his face into the top of your head. Immediately, you still, your panicked breaths making the dingy ruffles billow. What is happening?
             Is he…is he cuddling you?
             You were wrong before. This is the most bizarre thing that has ever happened to you.
            “Poor pet. Too many thoughts. Human minds are always so frenzied, a thousand wretched insects fluttering, buzzing….” As he muses, he pets your hair, twisting the strands between his spidery fingers. He playfully tugs a strand before resting his hand on the back of your neck.
             Minutes pass where you stare, wide eyed, at the ceiling. Pennywise hasn’t moved, aside from the steady rise and fall of his chest. You’re so confused, anxious thoughts reaching, reaching for an explanation.
             You jerk when a low rumble starts up in his chest. At first you think it’s a growl, but when it continues, an incessant, deep, rolling sound that vibrates in your own chest, you realize it’s something else. You gape.
             He’s…purring. Purring, like a cat!
             You give up. The more you try to understand this unusual situation, the more curious it gets. There’s nothing you can do about it anyway. You’re trapped here in his arms until Pennywise decides he’s had enough.
             The clown titters quietly above you. He must realize he’s won. You sigh and will your tense body to relax.
             Eventually you do relax. Your frantic heart rate slows, your gasping breaths even out. The gentle drone emanating from his chest is oddly soothing and soon your eyes droop. The heat from his body lulls you into a cozy, semi-conscious state. Slowly, hesitantly, you slip into slumber.
             In the morning, he’s gone, the mussed bedsheets the only hint he was ever there at all. 
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lokis-astvinur · 4 years ago
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Confession.
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DRABBLE: Loki x Reader.
· Words count:  611.
·Warning: violence.
Loki sighed tiredly you always were on time except for today. Why? He didn't know but his nerves were killing him slowly. He checked his watch, a gift of Tonys', and groaned. You were two hours late. "Reindeer, how it is going?" Tony asked over FRIDAY.
"Stark," Loki hissed. "My apologies," Tony chuckled, "Loki," he said, slowly. "She is not here," Loki replied, tiredly. "What do you mean?" Tony asked, confused, "She's always on time." "Not today," Loki groaned. "Weird," Tony admitted. "Very unlike her," Loki murmured. Loki's mind flew over the last couple of days you have been in the compound. You were always at ease, ready to fight then and there, so unlike you. He thought about you throwing a lamp over Sam's head when he scared you just two days earlier. His mind worked hard and fast, he needed answers. "Dammit," Loki snarled, "STARK, MEET ME AT HER PLACE," he disappeared inside a portal. Tony didn't understand what was going on but decided to follow Loki where he said. He suited up and went to your place. The views shocked him, your place was a mess, your stuff was all over the place. Windows broken, glass shattered everywhere, chandeliers knocked over, even clothes were around the room. He heard Loki calling your name from another room and he followed, he found Loki looking in your private bathroom, not a single trace of you. "What happened here?" Tony questioned. "They got her," Loki replied, exasperated. "Wow, wow," Tony said, "Who?" "I don't know!" Loki snarled. Tony glared at him and Loki sighed, "Someone has been chasing her, she mentioned something about our private chauffers," Loki growled, "I should've investigated," "Whatever happened it is not your fault, Loki," Tony tried to calm him, "You care about her and you are always at ease," "We need to find her," Loki whispered, he gulped. "We will," Tony assured him.
You groaned opening your eyes, the bright light coming from outside blinded you. Your arms heavy behind your back, you groaned louder when you felt the handcuffs rub your wrist. "Wakey, wakey," the man chuckled. You coughed and glared deadly at him. He walked out of the room into somewhere else, you noticed he had set your legs free and you stretched. You couldn't remember how long you have been there but it felt like centuries. You wondered if anyone has noticed your disappearance. "Now, when I said I liked you singing that mundane song I never thought you will perform it," Loki smiled in front of you. "Loki!" you cried out of joy. "Ssh pet," Loki freed you with a flicker of his fingers, "Go outside, Stark is waiting for you," he kissed your hair and pointed the way, you nodded rubbing the tears away. "Glad you are up," the man said, walking in. "Likewise," Loki spat. He kicked the man in the chest, grabbed him by the neck and punched him on the face, you gagged at the image and went to meet Stark.
"How do you feel?" Tony asked, offering you a glass of water. "If you switch it for whiskey I wouldn't mind," you replied. "On it," Tony winked. "Stark, make it two," Loki sat next to you. "Not how I planned your confession to be," Tony offered the glasses, "But I am glad to have you both here," "I can believe you have a crush on me," You giggled, hiding your face behind a cushion. "My goal is marriage," Loki smirked. "Damn," Tony said, "That's quick, reindeer," he joked, "Told you to go slow." Loki denied laughing making both you and Tony laugh. This was just the beginning.
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refinedbuffoonery · 4 years ago
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Found My Family...Hungover
It’s still Nov 22 in my time zone so this isn’t late!!! @macgyverfluffchallenge​ 
*****
When Jack let himself into Mac’s house mid-Sunday morning, he didn’t expect to see his best friend, his daughter, and Bozer sprawled across the living room couch and floor, passed out after what appeared to be an alcohol-fueled night of debauchery. The sea of empty beer bottles washed over every horizontal surface in the room, and there were even some stacked in a pyramid like one of those playing card towers. 
With absolutely zero remorse, Jack loudly drawled, “I leave you alone for one night, and this is what I come home to? Now don’t tell me I need to start getting a babysitter for the three of you.” 
From her spot propped against the couch, Riley groaned, cracking her eyes open. “Why are you so loud?” 
“I’m not loud. You’re just hungover, sweetheart.” Just like when she was a snarky teenager, Riley rolled her eyes before closing them again. She was his kid alright. 
***
Jack’s ridiculously cheery voice grated on Riley’s ears. All she wanted was to go back to sleep and wake up when she was sober again, skipping the wicked hangover entirely. Considering the pounding in her skull, it’d take about a week. 
The knee slamming into the back of her head didn’t help. She cursed, opening her eyes just enough to see which of the boys assaulted her. Mac was stretched out by her feet, so it must’ve been Bozer. 
Riley couldn’t remember how Bozer got to be the sole occupant of the couch, while she and Mac got the floor. If she was being honest, she couldn’t remember much from last night at all. 
“Up and at ‘em, sleepyheads,” Jack said in a sing-song voice as he opened the blinds. Riley winced as the room got significantly brighter. 
Above her, Bozer grumbled, “That was mean.” Riley couldn’t agree more. 
***
Bozer hoped it was a prank when Jack said they were needed for an urgent mission. Otherwise Matty had gone back on her word about giving them the weekend off. Neither would be surprising. 
Throwing an arm across his eyes to block the bright morning light, Bozer rolled onto his back, sending Riley’s head rolling to the side without his knee supporting it. He muttered an apology, sinking back into the couch’s embrace. It was old as shit, but Bozer long ago made Mac swear to never replace it. The soft leather cradled tired bodies perfectly, in Bozer’s opinion. 
How he’d ended up with the couch all to himself was beyond him. Mac was a floor person, so that made sense, but Riley? She never surrendered couch space. Bozer tried to remember how she ended up on the floor, but everything after the dance competition was fuzzy. 
“Wakey-wakey,” Jack said, followed by Mac’s muffled groan. 
***
Mac awkwardly scooted away to avoid another kick to the back from Jack’s steel-toed boots. Blindly clawing the space in front of him, he grasped Riley’s calf. Right. She’d joined him on the floor at some point, too drunk to effectively persuade Bozer to make room on the couch. 
“What do you want?” he snarled at Jack. 
Jack squatted to lean unnecessarily close to Mac’s face. “Your hungover asses are supposed to be on the Phoenix jet right about now. You’d know that if all three of your phones weren’t dead on the kitchen counter.” 
Mac frowned, trying and failing to come up with a good comeback. 
Jack slapped his chest and announced, “Well, guess I’ll just have to tell Matty to fire you three.” 
“You do that,” Riley muttered. 
***
Jack stepped outside to make a call. Before the end of the first ring, an all-too-familiar stern voice said, “Dalton. Do you have my team?” 
“Hey there boss lady, you’re going to have to send someone else to Paraguay. The kids had a little too much fun last night if you know what I’m saying.” 
“I see. And where are they now?” Big trouble, if Matty’s tone was any indication. 
“They uhh...you know what? I’ll just send you a picture.” Grinning, Jack walked back inside. 
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mulletcal · 5 years ago
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light outside - a calum hood blurb.
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a/n: okay so @softbabiestan​ and i were talking about how poor cal seemed a lil down and i said maybe he posted that as a reminder to us and himself and this happened.  title is from the song light outside by wakey!wakey! that i listened to while writing. also i totally understand if no one wants to read this bc this is talking about the current situation going on in the world. but i also wanted to write something that was kind of a reminder to myself and u guys that this time isn’t for u to start the next big project, but for you to take care of yourself and those around you.  love u stay safe xoxo
word count: 1,022 words
warnings: talk of mental health, talk of covid-19
-------
At any given time, mental health is hard to keep healthy - with the turbulence of everyday, it feels like a struggle to tackle your to-do list, or see the ones you love.  This became especially difficult given the stay at home order that came into place in Los Angeles, due to the CoVid-19 pandemic.
You were grateful to be in a position you could work from home, knowing others were in a completely different situation that weren’t so lucky - and your heart hurt for those people, wishing there could be more to do other than staying home, and donating to local charities dedicated to feeding those less fortunate.
You knew you were also incredibly lucky to have someone to stay at home with.  Calum was an amazing companion, your days mostly filled with laughter, and what recipe you would attempt to butcher today.  The list of unsuccessful/gross things included: whipped coffee, making a vegetarian fried chicken sandwich from scratch, and making your own cashew milk - but there was always tomorrow.
In general, you both had been doing a good job at keeping your mental health up.  You took Duke on a walk up the street and back, trying to be mindful of each other’s space, and especially attempting to be outside as much as you could in Calum’s backyard.
Today though, you knew something was off.  Calum had been up before you woke up, and locked himself in his music room all day.  Even while you minded your space, you never hesitated to check on one another when either of you would put on the kettle for tea, but he hadn’t even been in the mood for that.
Figuring he would come to you if you needed, you made dinner for the two of you, setting his plate in the microwave with a short text to inform him.  He responded with a simple ‘Thanks xx’ .  You put on a random YouTube video on in the background, one you had seen hundreds of times before as you ate.  Duke would occasionally whine, and you thought it was because he wanted your food - but when you finished he was still whining, only content when you picked him up, cuddling him to your chest.  He must have needed some extra affection today, which was fine.
You could hear the faint, beautiful notes coming from the piano in his music room, smiling to yourself.  It could have been simply that he had an idea and needed to work on it until completion, as you knew he and the boys could never rest until an idea was from their brain onto a page (or a voice note).
The rest of your evening was spent curled in bed, casually sipping on a cup of tea as you scrolled through your phone.  You got a notification that Calum had added to his story, and your eyes lit up, expecting him to be posting a video of the music he had been playing all day.
Your expression faltered though when you saw him in the backyard, his eyes looking less than bright as he addressed his fans.  Calum was telling them to be easy on themselves, and you couldn’t help but to wonder if he was saying the words as an uplifting thing for the fans, or because he needed to hear them - or both.
It wasn’t long after that, that you heard the bedroom door creep open and his tall figure appeared.  
“Hi baby,” you said softly, your eyes turning to look at his face fully.
“Hi,” he mumbled.  Without another word, he climbed onto the bed.  Thinking he was going to come lay beside you, you went to shift over more so he had more room, but his large hands held you in place.  Calum ducked his head under your arms that had been holding your phone, burying his face in your neck.
“What’s goin’ on bubba, wanna talk about it?” Your fingers carded through his hair, listening to his breathing that was becoming more even by the minute.
“M’just havin’ a hard time lately - I can’t complain though, everyone is.” His words were muffled against your (his) hoodie, and you frowned slightly.
“Cal, just because other people are dealing with other things, hard things, doesn’t make your struggle any different- or your emotions less meaningful, you know?”
“I know.  It’s just hard when I feel like I should be being productive, but the most I’ve done in the last three days is eat and shower.” Looking up at you finally, you could see the sadness lingering in his beautiful eyes, and it made your heart hurt.
“You know you don’t owe it to anyone to be productive right now, right? All that matters right now is that we stay home, and take this time to relax or ease our minds.  This kind of thing didn’t happen so that we all stop what we’re doing outside to get tasks done around the house.” Your lips pressed against his forehead, fingers still placed in his blonde locks. 
“You’ve just been doing all the cleaning, and I hang out outside with Duke-”
“Hanging out outside with him is your job.  He doesn’t get to come visit you on tour as much as I do, so I think he’s happy to have you home for a little bit with us.  Your boy missed your cuddles today.”
As if on queue, the small dog was scratching at the post of the bed.  Calum had knocked over his doggy stairs in his haste to be in your arms, so Duke had no way to crawl into bed.
Pouting, Calum pulled back from you to pick him up and pressed a bunch of kisses to the top of his head, “I’m sorry my love, your Pops has been in a mood.  Tell me about your day.” To which Duke responds with covering Calum’s cheeks in his own kisses.
“We’re gonna be alright, yeah?” You cocked your head to the side as you looked at your boys.
Calum smiled for probably the first time that day, nodding his head, “Yeah, we’re gonna be alright.”
tag list:  @cals-wildflower​ @talkfastromance4​ @softbabiestan​ @roseycal​ @calum-uncrowned​ @boyfriend-cal​ @wildflowerirwin​ @irwindoll​ @gosh-im-short​ @atlcalm​ @thesubtweeter​ @heavenisapeach​ @ridingcthood​ @loveroflrh​ @wokeupinjapanisabop​ @softlylukes​
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poc-movie-supremacy · 4 years ago
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Family Traditions
@mousemadej
HEHEHE MERRY CHRISTMAS MAXIE I hope you like this, so much
Shane reminisces about visiting his family with Steven while they wait on the train to visit Steven’s family. They had danced and ate and sang. Old Family traditions are kept alive, and New ones are made. 
---
They were in the back of an uber heading to the airport. Steven sat beside him in the passenger seat reading from his phone. A light snow had just started and the roads were thankfully empty. Driving in the snow never made him feel easy. As they drove along silently, Shane reminisced about visiting his parent’s. 
This was the first year in a while that he was able to visit them instead of them visiting him. His parents, his brother and his wife and their daughter were spending the holiday together. Scott, his brother, and Sofia, his niece, met him and Steven at the airport. Sophia sprinted toward her uncle giggling wildly. Shane handed his one bag to Steven and bent down to pick up Sophia. He swung her around before peppering kisses onto her face. Scott gave Steven a hug before taking some of their bags. Steven watched happily as uncle and niece reacquainted themselves to each other. She was rapidly telling him some story about an incident in school. Sophia talked so quickly that Shane could only nod along. The interaction made Steven giggle. 
This alerted Sophia to Steven’s presence. “Hi Uncle Stevie! Merry Christmas! Can you believe what Eleanora did?”
Steven shook his head, trying in vain not to burst out laughing. Sophia paid it no mind, and continued telling her story. Steven took Shane’s hand and together left the airport. 
Christmas with the Madej’s was fun. It snowed the entire time they were there, making it the first white Christmas they’ve had in a while. Sophia was ecstatic and pulled whichever uncle was available into playing in the snow with her. Shane thought he could handle the snow but he was sorely mistaken. Being a California boy took a toll on him and forced him to layer up more than usual. Steven was a little smarter and layered up from the get go. Together, with Sophia, they played many games in the snow that Shane used to play as a kid. They made gay snowmen, had a snowball fight and went sledding. By the end of it, Shane was shivering. Scott gave him an earful for it, but Steven took the opportunity to curl up against him, making up for it. 
Late nights with the Madej’s were just as fun. Some nights, Sherry and her husband regaled the room of Christmas stories from old, other nights they put on a record of old Christmas and dance the night away. Shane would get up and stretch out his long legs before extending a hand to Steven. Steven would blush but accept. Shane would pull him close to do a little waltz around the living room. Lowly, ever so softly, Shane would whisper the lyrics of the songs he knew best into Steven’s ear. The crackling of the fire, the twinkle of the Christmas lights, and the glint of their wedding rings (because of the fire) provided a nice ambiance. 
“Here we are, as in olden days… Happy golden days, to youuu.” Shane sang into Steven’s ear. 
Steven hummed, “This what your childhood was like? Dancing with someone to your parent’s old Christmas records?”
“Not exactly, as a child I didn’t have a pretty partner.” Shane’s voice was deep and low and he caught Steven’s eye to wink. It made the other man giggle aloud and blush deeply.
“We also used to eat the snow.” Shane added absentmindedly. 
“Eat the snow?” Steven prodded, curious.
“Yeah, I’ll show you sometime. Mom would send me and Scott out with tins to collect fresh snow. When we’d get back, she’d coat them in syrup and give us a spoon. Free food!” Shane exclaimed excitedly. 
“One day we’ll have to try it,” Steven said with a smile. 
They were only able to stay at the Madej’s for a short while before having to pack up and head over to Steven’s parents house. They devised a system where they would spend five days with the Madej’s then take a train to the Lim Family and spend another five days there before going home. 
Finding out Uncle Steven and Uncle Shane couldn’t stay for the whole holiday devastated Sophia. Shane almost, almost, changed his mind for her, but knew they had to stick to the plan. Before they left, Sophia handed the two men a couple of messiled wrapped Christmas gifts. Steven smiled at her and gave her a thank you hug. Shane shared similar sentiments making Sophia beam.
“I’m sad that you can’t be home for Christmas, so I wanted to give you these now, so you’d have it one Christmas. You can’t open it before Christmas okay?” 
Steven nodded solemnly, “We promise sweetheart. We’ll even facetime you so you can watch us open it.”
Sophia looked up at them with hopeful excitement. “Really, you promise?”
Steven smiled warmly at her and put a hand on her cheek, “We promise.” Sophia squealed excitedly and ran off to tell her mom about the new development. 
Shane smiled gratefully at Steven. “You’re a lifesaver.”
“Is getting a kid my reward?” Steven teased.
“When God gives me the ability to have kids sure. Until then we wait.”
“I can be patient, I guess,” Steven teased. He held up his pinky in a promise, “kids one day?” 
Shane finished the pinky promise, and chuckled. “Kids one day, baby, one day.” 
“Can’t wait.” 
As Steven went around the upper half of the house checking to make sure they didn’t forget anything, Shane took the bottom half. When he noticed the to-go syrup packets, Shane stuffed a few into his pockets. 
They headed off to the train to catch the next ride to Ohio. Luckily they arrived with time to spare. Steven settled in to wait for the train with a novel. Shane still felt a little restless though, and went to walk around. It was still snowing outside, enough that a decent layer of snow covered the ground. 
Opportunity struck Shane, making him smile. He walked back into the airport and found a souvenir shop that sold nice cups. Shane picked one that he knew Steven would like, a cup that had many little drawings on it. It was a fox and a cat in the woods with strawberries and blueberries around them. He thanked the clerk before heading back out. Quickly, it was cold, Shane scooped up a cup of fresh snow. He poured the packs of syrup onto the snow to create a thick layer. A pop up restaurant had some plastic spoons he could use. With his little treat ready, he headed back to his husband. 
Steven had his forearms resting on his thighs trying in vain not to fall asleep. Shane let out a soft chuckle and plopped down next to him. “Wakey wakey baby. Look what I made you.” 
Steven moved slowly, like his brain was lagging. He blinked at him, slightly confused like his brain wasn’t aware of its surroundings. The look on his face was open and trusting and tinged with love and confusion. It made Shane smile for a second, calmed by the steady love his husband had for him. Then a sense of excitement took over when he remembered the gift he had. 
“I got something for you!” Shane singsonged. He pulled out the cup of what was basically sweet sugar ice and held it out to Steven. The other very tired man perked up instantly. His eyes widened at the cup full of treats with pretty designs. His mouth dropped open into a pretty o shape while his hands carefully cradled the cup. 
“Baby…” he breathed.
Shane chuckled nervously. “Do you like it?” 
Steven nodded frantically with a slow bashful smile creeping onto his face. He took the spoon, swirled the snow and syrup before taking a bite. Shane waited ‘calmly’ for his husbands reactions. 
It didn’t disappoint. Steven made a happy noise before continuing to scarf it down. When he finally took a break he smiled happily at his boyfriend. Shane reached over and thumbed away some excess syrup on Steven’s upper lip. 
“This?” Steven gestured to the half full cup of syrup snow, “This is good. Very good. I get why you loved it as a kid. Thank you for getting me some.”
“Of course Stevie. I’m glad you liked it so much.” Steven nodded then went back to eating the treat. By the time Steven fully finished his icy treat, the train was ready to board.  They carefully packed up the cup, which Steven loved, into one of their extra bags before boarding the train. It was relatively sleek with many red velvet booth seats. They found their row and put away their bags. Shane settled in to watch a movie on his phone while Steven picked up his book from earlier. 
They sat together in silence for a while. The train conductor gave announcements before leaving the station. Once the sugar rush cleared up, Steven passed out. Shane closed his book and made sure Steven was comfortable beside him. Shane plugged in some soft Christmas music and let himself relax. 
“What are you listening to?” A groggy voice asked beside him. Steven yawned and stretched out beside him. 
“Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas.” 
Steven made grabby hands for one of Shane’s airpods. Shane gave him one of the airpods and started the song up again.
“Mmm. Nice song, Is this your favourite?” 
“I’ve never thought about favorites. ‘Is Christmas only a tree’ is a good one. My mom’s always loved ‘Your a Mean One Mr. Grinch.’ She’ll put on this green mask and get my father to dance with her.” Shane laughed at the old childhood memory. 
“My parents were a little more formal. My father used to sit at the piano and start the music. Then my mom would stop whatever she was doing to join him on the bench. Together they would sing a few Christmas songs. O’ Holy Night was a favourite of my parents.”
“It’s a nice song. Melancholic, but i don’t know… moving? If that makes sense.”
Steven nodded thoughtfully. “Yeah, you feel something while it plays.” Shane let his fingers play with Steven’s as ‘Have yourself a Merry Christmas’ comes to a close. 
“What to play next…” Shane mumbled as he looked through the different options. With disdain he scorned, “Not ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside.’ I don’t like that song.”
Steven made an unhappy sound, “I don’t like it either.” Steven tightened his grip on Shane’s fingers, “Oh look! ‘The Christmas Song’ by Nat King Cole, play that one.”
“Is that your favorite?”
“Nope, I actually like “Christmas Tree Farm” by Taylor Swift. Very upbeat and happy song, but still feeling almost vintage. My parents would always play the more Catholic Christmas Songs, and they were great, but not like upbeat, you know? So hearing this song that I definitely mistake for a slightly older one, with nostalgic family vibes that was happy was an instant win for me.” 
“It is a great song, I like the violins in the beginning. Really spices it up.” Shane took a deep breath, “I think I picked a song I really like.” 
Steven quirked an eyebrow at him. “In the spirit of upbeat songs, ‘I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas’ is a favorite one. It’s so weird but happy. I don’t know why but I’ve always liked it.”
Steven smiled at his husband. “It’s a nice song. Whenever it plays I can’t help but giggle at it. The girl singing is adorable.” 
“She needs her hippopotamus!” Shane joked, unintentionally making himself laugh softly which made Steven laugh too. 
“She needs her hippopotamus,” Steven echoed through his giggles. When they calmed down he looked around the train car. It was empty save for two waitresses talking in a booth, booths away from them and a few passengers in the single seats near the front of the car. An idea struck Steven. He disconnected the air pods, searched up ‘I want a hippopotamus’ on Youtube. 
“Another time maybe I’ll show you a family tradition. Maybe I’ll play you O Holy Night on the piano while you sing, but for now why not do one of yours… ish. Ok maybe this isn’t one of your family’s traditions, but its still nice.”
Shane looked at his husband apprehensively. Steven smiled back at him, wobbling between awkward and excited. “Stevie, what do you mean?”
Stevie stretched his hand out, “Dance with me?” Shane laughed out loud. He took Steven’s hand, played the song at a low volume and danced. It wasn’t like the half-waltz back in the cabin. This was flailing limbs, loud laughs, and soft touches. It was really pretty bad, but it was there’s, so that made it special. 
“We should do this again.” Steven told Shane as the song came to an end.
Shane looked at him, perplexed. “Dancing on a train?”
“No, visiting both our families and dancing wildly on a train. Maybe this could be our family tradition.”
“It’d be a pretty funny tradition. I love it.” The boys got back into the car seat and talked quietly about other Christmas traditions. The car ride went on smoothly. Snow hit the window as one of the workers passed out some hot chocolate. This time Shane would be the one to fall asleep during the last leg of the journey. Steven sipped on some hot coco as he watched the snow fall.. He made sure Shane was comfortable sleeping next to him. Before checking up on work, and with Ryan and their other friends, Steven fingered his wedding ring. “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night,” he joked. It was a good night indeed.
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purgatorydream · 3 years ago
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see the music video "light outside by wakey!wakey!" and tell me what you think, I’m theorizing that something related to this song could happen in the last book. this song is on the adam playlist that maggie made on the soundcloud a few years ago.
SPOILERS
I just watched the video and listened to the song, as with how the book ends, I wouldn’t rule it out at all. It’s very fitting for the events that are going to lead us into the third book.
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donnaamoss · 4 years ago
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i was tagged by the lovely @lorelaileighs @beckettshales @isakvaltzrsen @pedrettii thank youu <3
Playlist shuffle rules: Hit shuffle on your media player and write down the first 20 songs, then tag 10 people, no skipping!
waking up slow - gabrielle aplin
light outside - wakes wakey
dance to this - troye sivan ft ariana grande
the last time - taylor swift & gary lightbody
complexity - boots electric
fake empire - the national
green light - lorde
still feel like your man - john mayer
don’t blame me - taylor swift
new man - ed sheeran
perfect - ed sheeran
love you for a long time - maggie rogers
cherry wine - hozier
dance so good - wakey wakey
cut to the feeling - carley rae jepsen
oceans - seafret
flying machine - everly
would that i - hozier
rain on me - lady gaga & ariana grande
sweetener - ariana grande
i’m so late to this i’m not gonna tag anyone but if anyone wants to do it feel free 🥰
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I’m convinced that the song Light Outside by Wakey!Wakey! was written for New Dream. It reminds me so much of their relationship, the movie, and the events of season three of the series when Rapunzel was betrayed by Cass, and Eugene supported her unconditionally. Tangled fans, please listen to it and tell me that you know what I’m talking about!
Now, someone with editing skills please make a movie/series New Dream edit with this song, because I want to see it so badly. 😭
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killingsboys · 4 years ago
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i was tagged by @evermored to post 13 songs i’ve been listening to lately, thank you so much keesh!! ♡
drivers license by olivia rodrigo
‘tis the damn season by taylor swift
comme des garçons (like the boys) by rina sawayama
too many colors by twin shadow
light outside by wakey!wakey!
tongue tied by grouplove
fast in my car by paramore
can’t fight this feeling by bastille ft. london contemporary orchestra
somewhere only we know by keane
deal with it by girli
ain’t gonna die tonight by macklemore ft. eric nally
you are in love by taylor swift
easy tiger by billy raffoul
tagging @evermoores, @adamganseys, @listrbird, @dinidjarin, @mertinas and anyone else who wants to do it!! ♡
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