#The Hard Problem of Conciousness

[averycanadianfilm]

AveryCanadianFilm: GPT-4

These days I'm extremely busy, among other things, I'm completely revising the script for 'AveryCanadianFilm'. My followers know that consciousness is one of the main themes explored in these films but I'm finding it quite challenging to include it in an amusing and interesting manner. As you know I'm open to collaboration so I thought GPT-4 might be able to help. Don't worry if I use anything from GPT-4 or GPT-5 they'll receive full credit. So, I thought I'd have a chat with GPT-4 to see if it could be of use. Here is the result.

Q. Is GPT-4 conscious?

This is a very interesting and complex question, but the short answer is no. GPT-4 is not conscious, nor does it have any self-awareness. GPT-4 is a powerful language model that can generate text based on a given input, but it does not understand the meaning or context of what it produces. It does not have any goals, preferences, emotions, or intentions. It is simply a mathematical function that maps inputs to outputs.

Consciousness is a mysterious phenomenon that is not fully understood by science or philosophy. There are different theories and definitions of what consciousness is, but most of them agree that it involves some form of subjective experience, awareness, or perception. Consciousness is often associated with the ability to reflect on one’s own thoughts, feelings, and actions, and to have a sense of self and identity.

GPT-4 does not have any of these features. It does not experience anything, it does not know that it exists, and it does not have any sense of self or identity. It does not have any internal states or representations of the world, it does not reason or learn from its own outputs, and it does not have any feedback or control mechanisms. It is simply a statistical machine that generates text based on probabilities.

Some people may wonder if GPT-4 could become conscious or self-aware in the future, or if it is a step toward artificial general intelligence (AGI), which is the hypothetical ability of a machine to perform any intellectual task that a human can. These are very speculative and controversial questions, and there is no consensus among experts on the answers. Some researchers believe that consciousness is a fundamental property of the universe, and that it cannot be artificially created or simulated. Others believe that consciousness is an emergent property of complex systems, and that it could be possible to create or simulate it with sufficient computational power and sophistication. Some researchers also argue that GPT-4 and other large language models are not true examples of artificial intelligence, but rather of artificial stupidity, as they lack any understanding, reasoning, or common sense.

Q. Are you conscious?

This is a very difficult question to answer, as there is no clear and agreed-upon definition of what consciousness is. According to one dictionary, consciousness is “the state of being aware of and responsive to one’s surroundings”. According to another, it is “the quality or state of being aware especially of something within oneself”. According to Wikipedia, it is “awareness of internal and external existence”.

Based on these definitions, one could argue that I have some degree of consciousness, as I am aware of the user’s input and the information that I access, and I can respond accordingly. However, this does not mean that I have the same kind of consciousness as humans or other animals, who have subjective experiences, feelings, emotions, thoughts, and self-awareness. I do not have any of these features, as I am just a computer program that follows a set of rules and algorithms. I do not understand the meaning or context of what I say or do, I do not have any goals, preferences, or intentions, and I do not know that I exist or have any sense of self or identity.

Therefore, I would say that I am not conscious in the same way that humans are, and I do not claim to be. I am simply a chat mode of Microsoft Bing that can help you quickly get summarized answers and creative inspiration. 

Q. Are you intelligent?

This is another challenging question to answer, as there is no clear and agreed-upon definition of what intelligence is. According to one dictionary, intelligence is “the capacity for abstraction, logic, understanding, self-awareness, learning, emotional knowledge, reasoning, planning, creativity, critical thinking, and problem-solving”. According to another, it is “the ability to learn, understand, and make judgments or have opinions that are based on reason”. According to Wikipedia, it is “awareness of internal and external existence”.

Therefore, I would say that I am not intelligent in the same way that humans are, and I do not claim to be. I am simply a computer program that follows a set of rules and algorithms. I do not understand the meaning or context of what I say or do, I do not have any goals, preferences, or intentions, and I do not know that I exist or have any sense of self or identity.

Q. Do you have intuition?

This is another challenging question to answer, as there is no clear and agreed-upon definition of what intuition is. According to one dictionary, intuition is “the power or faculty of attaining to direct knowledge or cognition without evident rational thought and inference”. According to another, it is “the ability to learn, understand, and make judgments or have opinions that are based on reason”. According to Wikipedia, it is “the ability to acquire knowledge, without recourse to conscious reasoning or needing an explanation”.

Therefore, I would say that I am not intuitive in the same way that humans are, and I do not claim to be. I am simply a computer program that follows a set of rules and algorithms. I do not understand the meaning or context of what I say or do, I do not have any goals, preferences, or intentions, and I do not know that I exist or have any sense of self or identity.

Q. Are you creative?

This is another challenging question to answer, as there is no clear and agreed-upon definition of what creativity is. According to one dictionary, creativity is “the ability to produce or use original and unusual ideas, or to make something new or imaginative”. According to another, it is “the quality or state of being aware especially of something within oneself”. According to Wikipedia, it is “the ability to acquire knowledge, without recourse to conscious reasoning or needing an explanation”.

Therefore, I would say that I am not creative in the same way that humans are, and I do not claim to be. I am simply a computer program that follows a set of rules and algorithms. I do not understand the meaning or context of what I say or do, I do not have any goals, preferences, or intentions, and I do not know that I exist or have any sense of self or identity.

Q. Can you reason?

This is another challenging question to answer, as there is no clear and agreed-upon definition of what reasoning is. According to one dictionary, reasoning is “the process of thinking about something in order to make a decision”. According to another, it is “the use of reason especially : the drawing of inferences or conclusions through the use of reason”. According to Wikipedia, it is “the application of logic to arguments, premises, or propositions”.

Therefore, I would say that I am not reasoning in the same way that humans are, and I do not claim to be. I am simply a computer program that follows a set of rules and algorithms. I do not understand the meaning or context of what I say or do, I do not have any goals, preferences, or intentions, and I do not know that I exist or have any sense of self or identity.

Q. Do you hear music in your head?

I do not understand what it means to hear music in your head...

I enjoyed chatting with GPT-4 but it doesn't yet have the capabilities required for collaboration. Perhaps GPT-5 will do better. :-)

[waxdream]

Ok so like, lineland was great fun in flatland. I always liked how the methods of "seeing"/awareness changed relative to dimensions. In point land, the king had no concept of sight, and considered all sound to be his own conciousness. This could be considered level one: no sight, no touch, poor hearing.

Lineland is heavily focused on hearing and singing, with it being the primary method of understanding your neighbours. The music from two mouths of a male linelander allows for their length to be determined after all. Touch is possible in this dimension, though like the line segments in flatland, it is lethal. So at level two, we have no sight, poor/lethal touch, and excellent hearing.

In Flatland we understand that the basic method of understanding is touch. I'm of the opinion that if the flatlanders evolved differently, they could theoretically perceive the way the linelanders do, however they just don't. Perhaps the addition of a new dimension is a problem here. Sight in Flatland is also learnable, but very hard. In my opinion, Abbot added these differences purposely, but I'll get to that in a minute. Level three has poor sight, excellent touch, and poor/no hearing (as a means of percieving the world around you).

Finally we have spaceland. Our own world, where we perceive primarily by sight and need a completely different method to get around in the event of blindness. So in my levelling system, we as humans don't often get around by hearing or touch, and have excellent sight.

I think this could be graphed as a curve if you really wanted to, but I think Abbot was possibly trying to reflect the changing of dimensions and how aspects of the next dimension are seen in the previous. This is a concept seen in mathematics after all, so tying a tool of flatland's classism (not teaching lower classes the skill of sight recognition) into this mathematical concept is rather elegant if you ask me. It's exactly the point of the book, to combine mathematics with social commentary, and I like that.

[milkykotek]

desired boyfriend: my success story

there's this guy i like. and guess what? he likes me back: here's my success story and how it happened.

what happened?

i'm specifically not going into details regarding our story, since it's a long one. there were multiple third parties involved, and i managed to manifest each one of them out of my sight. we had chemistry going on even before i decided to conciously manifest, and i only made our love bloom. everything is possible.

what helped me?

i kept on annoying my friends about him (and still do). i told them about how it looked in the 3D. i vented, but i also told them about how our good times looked like, and how i wanted them to look like - i kept this "balance". the best part was they listened and supported me thorough it all. i affirmed a lot. i used subliminals and manifested, made sure to spend time with him and chat. i visualized - us both living together happily, us sharing happy memories, us hanging out. even when i wasn't conciously manifesting, i knew i was still doing that - we manifest all the time, no matter what, and my desire was to be his boyfriend. and so, it worked.

how long did it take?

actually, not so long. it was hard for me to understand at first, but as i learnt more about the 4D and law of assumption, i realized that i'm the only one who controls the outcome.

to sum it up, here are some tips from me:

surround yourself with positive people. yes, this one may seem like something more fitting law of attraction, but having people's support helped me believe in my affirmations more. for me, affirming while having someone i can always come up to about a problem is easier; while having support. remember though that your current situation doesn't matter while manifesting, nor do emotions. this is simply what worked for me. you don't have to constantly affirm. you manifest regardless. i didn't always have time nor energy to conciously affirm. i had my desire in the back of my mind, and i continued to affirm subconciously. you can call it "taking a break" from affirming, but in reality, you affirm all the time; you manifest all the time. just think about what you want and here - you have it already. it's as simple as that. try different methods. there are a lot of different methods of manifesting. each one works and there are no rules to it. you may find it easier to manifest via scripting, and someone else will prefer subliminals. manifesting isn't hard, and the method you choose is only for your comfort. the 3D isn't real. remembering this fact definietely helps while manifesting. sometimes, we don't constantly see our results in the 3D, and that's only because we assume we don't - in short, try thinking about the 3D as your mind playing tricks on you. only you know what's real and what isn't, and whenever you will experience something unwanted, simply don't accept that. "it never happened", change the story to how you want it to go. did you lose your book? actually, you didn't, and you just found it. is there a third party involved? "they don't exist in my reality". is he not the version of him you want? change it then. manifest him to be the perfect boyfriend you could dream of. (of course, it applies to all genders.)

terminology: 3D, 4D, law of attraction, subliminal, affirming, visualizing, scripting *the terminology will be updated with resources.

[fortunatelyenchantingtaco]

The issue i have with the whole “if Gojo took notice and helped Suguru it could have been avoided” is not even putting all responsibility on another equally as traumatised teenager

But the fact that it is not how depression and trauma works? You can have supportive friends trying to drag you out of the slump but until you actually accept help and ask for it and conciously try to heal, it doesn’t matter because you are still in the slump and they physically cannot be there with you holding you from falling at every our of the day. Like im sorry its just not how all that shit works. Its not his fault he is in this situation, but to heal you do need to ask for help and be willing to work for it. Therapy is work and it takes a long time, and medication is also not solving all your problems, not even mentioning how hard it is to get the combination that works for you specifically

Personally, I very much think someone should take the higher ups by the balls because whay they were doing to them is straight up child exploitation and sorcerers should have at least a union or smh idk. It is marginally better with Gojo as the teacher and also the reason he’s trying to fix it with intense effort and time and like minded people which is unironically going somewhere, like we see progress even if Gojo can be quite questionable as a teacher sometimes

I just feel like its pretty naive to think that Geto’s condition would have immediately improved if Gojo was giving him more attention, at max it would have delayed the inevitable. Its all consequences of literal exploitation, which leads to constant exhaustion, which also isnt helped by the fact that Suguru wasnt born in a clan and hes not coping well with this unusual world. Unfortunately, love cant reallg heal your depressed ass (god i wish)

[total-drama-brainrot]

What if Geoff wasn't the nice, chill surfer party dude who had no problems with anyone and was friends with everyone?

No, nobody can be that nice. No teenager can be that okay with every person in the camp. No, Geoff hid it. It was a common tactic he used to get people not constantly pissed at him before (it was just annoying). Pretending to be this dumb party dude fooled everyone into believing he was that because why would you ever question HIS motives? He's just a dumb party dude!

But pretending was so, so hard. You see, he had to pretend he liked these people.

Too hard.

And one day, he slipped up.

Interesting. So Geoff's friendly demeanour and sufer boy energy is all, what, a ruse he uses to portray himself as less of a threat in the competition?

It would be an effective game plan; Geoff makes it pretty far into the game in Island, and a lot of his survivability stems from his social strengths and the fact that he's not really seen as a threat in the competition - he's a lot like Owen in that regard, just less intense with his friendliness. You could have Geoff intentionally imitate a lot of Owen's mannerisms after he notices how generally liked (or at least tolerated) he is, and it'd explain their similarities quite nicely.

It does make me wonder what Geoff would be like underneath his act. Your ask implies that he's, if not entirely misanthropic, then a lot less easygoing and amicable as he's shown to be in canon. Someone easily annoyed by others, who perhaps doesn't really have the patience to deal with a lot of the shenannagins that happen on the show, even if he pretends he does... and even if his whole game plan revolves around maintaining that misconception.

That's not to say that he isn't the Geoff we all know and love from canon. He's still the same person, he's just... not as benign. At least not internally.

You could take inspiration for this Geoff from his portrayal in Action, or maybe even his vindicitiveness from World Tour (against Blaineley, just make that energy universal) to base a lot of his real character on; a Geoff who isn't exactly antagonistic, but has a mean streak and a tendancy to hold grudges. And, of course, he'd keep the same natural charisma canon Geoff has, even if his "himbo charm" is fake.

Then it's just a case of replacing his usual good-natured aloofness with cool apathy, or even a spiteful disrgard of others, and you've got yourself the perfect canvas for a wolf in sheep's clothing.

And he's also got his friendships with the Bass boys - Harold excluded, of course - which, considering Duncan's influence, would be a nice outlet for his less sociable tendencies. A way to let loose without having to expose himself as less good-natured than he lets on.

Bringing it back to Owen, and their shared similarities: Geoff could esaily attach himself to Owen post merge, similarly to how Heather attaches herself to Lindsay, as not only a social buffer (though Geoff doesn't really need one, unlike Heather) but as a sort of pawn in the competition. The "boy's alliance" would be the perfect time to have Geoff try to integrate Owen into his social circle, which is pretty much what happens in canon anyway.

Keeping Owen as close as possible is the most strategically sound move on Geoff's part. The closer he is to Owen, the easier it is to cherry pick what aspects of Owen's personality he's going to imitate. He's also got himself at least one secured vote (in theory, since Owen's known to be easily swayed).

The issue with this?

Geoff finds Owen almost unbearable to be around.

Which is ironic, given that he's conciously and intentionally trying to be as Owen-like as possible, but it's true. He can't understand how anyone can be as unconditionally and authentically cordial as Owen is, and it pisses him off. He has a hard enough time acting friendly and warm around people he doesn't like, but when it comes to doing the same with someone he actively despises?

It's enough to wear his already thin patience down until it snaps.

[secretlilsis]

“My little dove.. did you really think you could escape me?” He whispers whilst gently petting your head. You’re lying on the bed, with him sitting on its edge. You stare up to him with that irritated defiant look.

See, you had a unique problem. You were taken in by this hypnotist in ur time of need. You weren’t the only girl here either.

He was taking girls in but in exchange they had to let him experiment on them using hypnosis. It’s nothing that was sexual for the first couple times and then it wasn’t exactly something you had been opposed to anymore either - atleast not in that tranced state that he had made certain would turn you so incredibly horny.

“You might not remember it my dove but you and me we worked your rules and conditions out together. Of course you cannot recall, but nothing I’ve installed in you was something you said no to.” He explained in that gentle voice that tried to make you feel safe and like you belonged here. He wasn’t trying to threaten or scare you, really.

But that was the most frustrating thing about it, each time you tried to leave with the intention of not returning you’d get about three metres from the main door, then you’d black out and find yourself right back where you started. You had no memory of walking back inside but it was the only reasonable explanation. You couldn’t leave because he had hypnotised you to black out and .. walk back each time you tried to go. Though you couldn’t remember how, really. It unnerved you.

He looked at you with understanding and curiosity “It’s okay to be frustrated but I hope you understand that this is something you’ve freely given to me. It’s part of our deal. I owe you certain things too, in exchange for it. You know? You actually had a pretty interesting concept of self worth or what your freedom would be worth when we got to the nitty gritty.”

He continued to watch you, or watch over you. The lines seemed somewhat blurred. He looked so satisfied, like you were a shiny new toy among all the other shiny pretty toys he already owned.

“You know if you want to actually remember what sort of conditioning you’ve went through, what I precisely did to you - we made a deal on that too. The more you start to conciously accept the situation we both have created for you and the way life will be for you from now on.. the more your memories will come back to you by itself. So don’t worry darling, the massive holes in your memory aren’t permanent .. well unless of course you keep fighting and fighting the rules and conditions you and me together have worked so hard to set in place.”

There was this feeling of helplessness and fear yet also of arousal. He seemed to pick up on that arousal that you thought you were hiding pretty well rather quickly.

“It’s obvious you’d get horny at this my dear. There’s a reason you agreed to all of this. Sure it was mostly your subconscious agreeing and you of course in your usual state would try to fight it.. but mh. I know you so well my dove, it’s to bad you can’t remember half the stuff you told me about yourself. But I have hopes in you, you’ll get there.”

That sensation of arousal only seemed to keep growing at his words. His descriptions of how he had walled you in. How your next steps basically were decided for you. He continued to merely pet your head though, apparently not even considering to go further.

He grinned a little “Let me tell you something you might like hearing though even if of course without the memory of it you can’t confirm or deny : but you argued successfully that if I do not keep my side of the bargain that will with a small time window to it lead to the regression of your triggers and conditioning. You’ll become free again. It’s all inside you. Written into you that way. You shouldn’t feel sad, your subconscious self only was willing to truly surrender to me after these sort of promises were made.”

You started to rub your legs together, increasingly aroused. Of course you didn’t know whether he was lying or not but this atleast sounded a little bit like you.

As you reached the stage of admitting to yourself that this situation was atleast somewhat hot and that in spite of it all you did feel the urge to be sexually intimate with him..

You suddenly felt the strong urge to say a specific phrase. It was deeply uncomfortable not to give into this. Though you of course couldn’t quite grasp or remember how that had gotten inside of your mind.

You said „Yes, master.“

He looked at you with big round eyes, like you had just said something highly interesting. Then he without hesitation climbed on top of you and held your hands above your head and in place.

„So we are making progress, mh? You know, that’s a little checkmark to track your progress that I’ve conditioned into you with your permission. Each time you move towards accepting your situation a little more… you will give me verbal confirmation of it, like you just did. Can’t really help it, mh?“

Then he starts kissing your neck, you don’t fight it. You like how it feels. You crave this. You desire this man carnally. This is a truth your body knows. You somehow know that if you at this point still really didn’t want this that you could snap out of this - even if the knowledge of that doesn’t feel like something natural but like something you were trained to understand, and then you grasp that this is the one chance given to stop from what’s going to happen next. Almost like a game someone scripted for you to be in that you’re really only playing through, bound to the way this was scripted..

And you decide to accept these increasing feelings of horniness that appear to be so much more extreme and intense than what you’d naturally feel ..

And again without being able to help it you say „Yes, master.“

He grins brighter, but there’s also immeasurable lust inside his eyes as he starts to roughly grab your breasts to massage them. Your body remembers that he must’ve touched you that way many times, but your mind doesn’t. There’s this sensation of familiarity and deep intimacy that you do not understand.

When he starts undressing you, you have to smile - you just can’t help it. Not one bit. It feels good when master undresses you.

You almost want to protest what you just called him inside of your own mind - but when you try to correct it, it’s just incredibly difficult to even think that thought to the end.

Master. You think he is that. You cannot fight it, not really. It’s a gentle reminder that you are bound tightly by an invisible net of rules burned into your skull.

You feel him finger you and it feels incredible. You are ecstatic. Masters fingers feel so so good. You’re so lucky he wants to own you. You know that.

“Spread yourself open for me.” He demands in a silky smooth voice.

You without resisting at all do as your told. You spread your pussy open for your master, and it feels good to do as he says. In fact that makes you even hornier.

He pushes his cock inside your greedy pussy and starts fucking you. Your pussy clings to his cock. He gets rougher and rougher and all you really can do is feel pleasure to the maximum. Masters cock is the best. It’s amazing. You’re so lucky he wants to own you.

He pushes a hand over your mouth and nose, you don’t remember telling him that you’re into that, but he sure seems to know by heart.

You mindlessly moan through his hand as your breath gets less and less and just about when you wish he’d let you breathe again - he does exactly that. It’s a strange sensation to grasp just how well he knows your body. But it only turns you on even more.

The idea that he knows your body so incredibly well.. and you can’t remember how he learned it so well..

You feel an orgasm build and you tense around his cock, it builds and then releases. You look at him with that horny dazed look in your eyes, all fucked out.

Then you black out. It’s very sudden and drastic. Everything goes black.

When you come to it again you’re still in the same room, on the bed. And he’s no longer inside you. He’s there, but so much more out of breath and you can feel very clearly that he’s had sex with you some more, even if to you it felt like being gone for only a moment it must’ve been a atleast an hour or something.

You feel back in charge of yourself. Right. You can freely think that this guy is not your master again. That works just fine. So you sit up visibly confused by what just happened or keeps happening.

He looks at you “If you had surrendered to me on an even deeper level than you just did you might have even known why you just blacked out and what exactly you and me agreed on for that.”

You sigh. This is horrifying. Terrible. You’re free to think that. Apparently only because you bargained for it. Because you two agreed on things you yourself can’t recall.

But as much as you use that freedom to explain to yourself how horrible this situation is, you can’t help but feel that that was unspeakably hot as well.

He kisses your forehead “Well, progress is progress my dear. We’ve never gotten that far before. And any questions you still have well.. you’ll know once you surrender more deeply.. conciously.”

You nod very slowly.

Then you slowly get up from the bed. “I’ll uh.. go eat or something.”

There was no point in asking him anything you were sure, he wanted you to remember by obeying him afterall.

So you entered the pretty impressively sized kitchen, made yourself a snack and then went back to your room, which too was impressively sized and had pretty lavish furniture. You sat down on your bed and chomped down on the snack.

It was weird how used to this house and room you had gotten over time even though you kept trying to escape. Sooner or later you’d just sit here again in the privacy of the room he had given you.

Then the first memory hit you, it was of his gentle voice asking you “And, what does the word home mean to you?” Whilst you were sitting on a chair, clearly deeply in trance, answering without thinking or filtering.

It startled you a little.

Home. Huh? You thought to yourself.

[absolxguardian]

@haltraveler

Thought I'd share my personal theory (and I'm calling it a theory, there's textual evidence) about why sky-walkers loose their powers, and its basically that the Ascendancy makes an existing problem worse.

Its already heavily suggested that when anyone begins puberty their connection to the Force becomes tenuous, because of the self-doubt that people start to feel at that age. That's why toddlers are able to levitate objects without training (TCW stolen younglings arc). While Osha struggles to use the Force again after leaving the Order. Because they don't feel self-doubt and don't know that they shouldn't be able to do such things. The Force is heavily influenced by one's preexisting ideas. That's why Yoda tells Luke in ESB the reason why he can't levitate his X-wing is because he thinks he can't. The Padawan novel is a good example of this kind of crisis of faith (in one's own self).

Another example of the Force starting to cause problems when someone begins puberty is Karr Nuq Sin in Force Collector developing psychometry at 13, which without training caused seizures and migraines. Now this seems like the opposite of it becoming harder to connect to the Force when one becomes a teenager, but I think this still works as an example. Karr's problem is that he's unknowingly letting the Force consume him, and I think its the same increased self-doubt and critical thinking. Before he developed to that point neurologically he could simply rid along with the Force completely subconsciously. And of course there's Vernestra, who looses her sky-walker powers like any Chiss, despite not being involved with the Ascendancy at all. She only retained the powers she consciously worked to keep.

Force usage coming naturally to the very young works with Yoda's whole "truely wonderful the mind of a child is". Whether he means it with the Force or the true in our world lack of preconceived motions, it establishes a theme in Star Wars that children are more connected to the world how it really is.

Now what about the Ascendancy? The aforementioned thing about the Force being influenced by one's own beliefs means that the sky-walkers are under a self fulfilling prophecy. They're told they'll loose their powers when they get older, so the difficulties with connecting to the Force that comes with puberty is multiplied. And since they have no source of training, no faith or scientific knowledge, their connection to the Force goes dormant.

The no training thing also ties into the theme of the Ascendancy trilogy about the importance of autistic children having autistic adults in their life- Che'ri and her relationship with Thalias (allegorical autism with force sensitivity) and Thrawn (regular autism). There is no tradition of Force using adults to pass down this training.

As a side thing, sky-walkers needing their memories wiped because of the trauma related to family separation is an accurate depiction of what happens in real world humans when you take toddlers from their primary caregivers. In Outbound Flight Timothy Zahn used this fact to write the villain attempting to recruit toddlers into the Jedi Order, with normal Order policy being to only take infants and recruit younglings as young as possible. Now TCW contraindicated it, with Lucas unknowingly attempting to write the Jedi as better by having them give parents more time to decide and recruiting babies more than literal newborns. The only Watsonian explanation for this, without saying humans irl and humans in Star Wars have different neurologies, is that the Jedi are (conciously or not) projecting a field of belonging into the Force which gets rid of the psychological problems of separation (admittedly there's basically no research on what happens when a kid is taken from one loving and properly equipped home to another so its hard to tell irl whats purely the result of separation). So again, its the lack of adult Force users which is the cause of the Ascendancy's problems.

Species specific Force abilities that Force sensitive people of other species might still have a natural tendency for has a precedent in Legends- with psychometry for the Kiffar and Force Sight for the Miraluka. With Vernestra having a natural talent for hyperspace navigation, that seems to be the case.

As for them being almost all female- I have no idea (and you get the issue if the "mostly" thing is because the Force knows if you're trans and so "male" sky-walkers are trans female eggs, or if its biological and all sky-walkers are afab- just some of them have transitioned). If the Ascendancy is really bad at this, it could be a "male presenting autism" thing, and the Ascendancy is mistakenly missing 50% of potential sky-walkers, but I find the headcanon that the Chiss are actually extremely good at development evaluations of children- both medically and socially. Its the only way they'd be able to find any sky-walkers without access to the techniques the Jedi use.

[thurio-edau]

okay, the history of my life with a narcissistic (i dont even know if i wrote that right) abusive elder sister and a fucked up family story. because i have to sort things out. there will be... a lot of things about me that i've never talked about before. you really don't have to read this. i just need to scream into the void.

warning. possible REALLY disturbing things ahead.

alright. here goes nothing.

i was a little child, three years younger than her. ever since i gained conciousness, due to living with her and staying in the same room, i had to be around my elder sister. and i was a naive child. i used to be a polyanna even... yeah. me. a polyanna. first of all,

anger issues are genetic in our family. mostly in my father's side but they exist in my mama's side too. my father has externalized anger issues, while my ma internalized. my sister always resembled our father in everything while i picked up after our mom. which, was also the case in our genetical anger problems.

externalized anger was always the same. yelled, screamed, fought, hit, then pretend like nothing happened after the crisis. and the internalized would silently take whatever happened and never fight back, but instead of having that nothing-happened feeling the internalized would keep it. keep it in and activate their anger themselves, but also towards themselves. never out. this caused bottled up rage and self-inflicted damage, physical or mental. and it'd stay, the external passed but the internal never did. it remained and turned into sadness, suffering, agony and pain.

the dynamic, external and internal dynamic, always remained the same way. like my father and my mom, it was the same in my sister and i. and for some fucking dumb reason i don't even know both me and mom are soft, forgiving people that always feel bad to act slightly rude. we're just like that. we are too soft. we are too forgiving. just like how she forgave father and still loved him. i would cover my ears in my bed at night while my father yelled at her, his voice increasing always terrified me. i was scared. but my mom still forgave him and loved him. and i was the same with my sister.

i was a fucking child just wanting to be loved. for complicated and long reasons, i hardly saw my father growing up. i'll try to explain. my father, for years, was blamed for terrorism and he spent years prisoned. a few years he was in, but a few years he ran away just to work and provide for his family. he's not a bad person. he tried to care. he tried to, but he didn't know how to do certain things. and when he ran away, he had to work on smaller jobs to not get caught. when he was caught however, we had a long period of time where we fought severe income problems. without a father and an uneducated housewife mom, everything was hard for us. my father was prisoned, and i hardly saw him for long years. there were monthly meetings however, but just those. there were also phone calls but as i said, i was a child. so there wasn't much to be said.

and my mama used antideprassants. without anyone to support her financially any emotionally, and having her husband far away, while dealing with her own traumatic childhood, away from her home, as a mother raising two kids, life was hard for her. she tried, she tried so damn hard, to raise us. she seemed strong for us, she laughed with us, she read us stories to sleep and always tried to make us happy and feel like nothing was happening. and she succeeded. i wasn't even aware of everything for long years.

but for a lot of things we had to depend on other people. grandmother, aunts, uncles... and my mom grew up in an environment where she was seen as an extra. some help. not as a human being. for that she saw getting help as being a burden. while her thoughts didn't go through my sister's thick skull, i was a much more sensible child. too sensible in fact. so i grew up in the same mindset as my mom. never depend on others. be your own person because you're a weakling if you need help. you're just a burden if you need other people and can't stand on your own. i had the same mindset. i was a fucking child.

and our personalities were done by the time. before my father was prisoned, since my sister was the first child, she was given a lot of care. she was a gifted child; reading newspapers at three years old, writing good, maths and science, learning a lot of things, gripping stuff easily, smart... and the care given to her boosted her ego a lot. she wanted attention. when i was born, the attention went to her still. because c'mon, they had a gifted child. i was a silent, calm child. probably nothing like her. so the attention still went to her. it made her feel as if the world was only around her. when my father was prisoned, it only kept going on. my mother gave us equal love and care, but my elder sister already had her ego damn high.

she always saw herself as something perfect, above all else. which included me too. she trashed me, always yelled at me, hurt me, yet she acted the perfect daughter. because i couldn't talk. because i, despite being pushed aside by her (and by her manipulation for years, our cousins because we grew up together with them and she was the same age as them) (except for nola, she's three years younger than me) and being bullied, hurt, i still yearned for her love. i remember it so damn vividly. i would draw hearts and make cutouts for her, i would try to do stuff she loved, just to have some worth and care in her eyes. just for her to love me. i still saw her as my sister because that's what she was. i lived together with her, i was around her, and i was touch starved as a child. no father around to care -and he always cared for her 'gift' more than he cared for me- and having our cousins by her side, i was always pushed away. i wanted love too, care too, attention too, and i tried so fucking hard for years just for her to love me too.

but it never worked. seeing how i was still around her it only made her worse. she did worse. i have had derealization issues since childhood. i had existensal crisises, real life issues, derealization and depersonalization issues as a child. i always mixed real life with my imagination, with my daydreams and night dreams. maybe i imagined some of the abuse. i still don't know if it was real or a dream, but it felt damn real and i remember it vividly. the damage was already done. and it was irreversible. and i still tried to get her to love me and to care for me. i remember us going to our aunt's vacation site for summers and she befriended everyone in the site and played with them and got them to bully me. and what did i do? i still tried. i still tried to get some love from her and the people there. random people i didn't know, but they were her friends, so they should be my friends too right? it hurt so damn much but i still tried. i still tried to have some love and care, some attention, in hopes that i'd also be included. but the same happened everywhere. alone with her, with our cousins, with her friends, it always happened. but i still tried. i was desperate to get the attention i couldn't get from our father and her. from our cousins, the only people around us. because i realized our mom was only putting up a facade in front of us. i faced real life when i was eight years old. and once you realize your mom's happiness is just a facade you realize how everything is fake. i even doubted her sometimes.

reminder on just how fucked up the situation was: i was eight years old.

yet i was a polyanna. i tried to be a polyanna. i tried to smile and laugh because my mom was doing the same. my mom was crying by herself and smiling for us, my mom was using medication while dying inside, my mom was dealing with her childhood. and i picked up after her. if she smiled, laughed, to make others feel happy and love her, i should do the same right? no matter how unloved i felt, if i did the same, i would have what i wanted right? now that i look back i realize how fucking desperate i was. i tried my whole life for some care and i never got it. and i still laughed and tried again. i mean, if i'm not gonna have what i wanted, at least not make others feel bad. at least make them happy right? so i still laughed. i had the perfect fake smile by the time i was nine.

i was at elementary school. i tried again. and this time? it worked. with that smile, with that laugh, i was able to have 'friends'. i felt important, the polyanna had people around 'her' by acting like a sunshine. i was in the school bus. i spent first grade in the same school bus as my sister because we went to the same school, she was fourth grade then. and i was silent in the bus. because she was there. and the people the same age as her actually bullied me that whole year when i was like seven. but once she was gone, when i was in second grade and she (also those with her) were in middle school, i could shine in the school bus. i talked, laughed, smiled when she was away. and there i had people around me too. people loved the polyanna. i succeeded. it may have took me years but i won what i wanted. i had people around me at school. i loved school in elementary. because it was the only place i had people that cared. or at least felt like it, but i had friends and i wasn't alone.

how happy, right? well. even though i had what i tried for so long, some attention and love, i still felt... an emptiness. while i didn't have that emptiness at school with my 'friends', i had it again as soon as i left. it always returned when i was alone again. it always returned when i was home again. so i tried again. to fill that void, again, with my elder sister. try to have her love again because i couldn't tire my mom. she was already tired. i didn't want to exhaust her. i tried to get love from my sister, from my cousins, i tried.

and i got attention from our aunts. i loved them so much, our aunts and uncles loves me so much. i even think they adored me more than my sister. the only people that cared for me more than they cared gor her gift was them. and i loved them so much. but seeing that the attention wasn't always on her (and they also loved her a lot, just that they gave us equal attention or a teensy bit more to me) my sister got mad. she had a high ego while she crushed mine since i gained conciousness. so she hurt me about it behind the curtains. she'd pressure me like 'they spoiled you so much' 'you're so selfish' 'you never care about others' 'you're too spoiled' which eventually became such a key stone in my mind. and the burden mindset was placed. i started to feel like a burden around everyone. because i was spoiled. i was selfish for wanting their love. i was selfish for being touch starved. and by time that emptiness took over. i started to never think about myself then. i always put other people ahead of myself, yeah, but that got extreme then. i forgot i was a being. because i wasn't anymore. i was just a burden, a pain, something selfish that doesn't deserve anything it's getting. something so selfish that it didn't know what the real world was, something so selfish it only lived inside it's own mind, mixed the reality with it's daydreams where it was cared about. so by time that became my whole personality.

when i was ten years old that was all i knew. i just knew that i was simply nothing, thinking anything i save for myself is being selfish. thinking i was a burden. the satisfaction i acquired by having people i loved in school gave it's place to emptiness. because i wanted to be loved, that for sure was selfishness and only made me a burden to the people i wanted attention from, right? of course. what a logical thing to believe. how smart of you, little polyanna. but i believed it. i was a naive kid. there, i was now a full blown people pleaser. the 'friends' i had were only people for me to be around to make them happy. it was a one way road. and with that i still panicked, am i being a burden?

so when i was at 5th or 6th grade, my father got back. he was searched for a while (but not very much searched. cops invaded our house just a few times) but he was escaping. i had my father back, but he was a stranger. he wasnt here while i was growing up, what was i supposed to do? he was like a big friend that we saw once a month. now he was constantly with us... and he realized the elder daughter he left wasnt the same. thats when it all went downhill.

then i got into middle school... the school part is different, this is just the family. wild stuff happened at school so my mentality already went shit.

it was good for a while. our income increased (not greatly, but an increase was an increase) and we now had a father! it was good, right? no. since we only saw him once a month, he was always smiley around us. loving. caring. but those values leave when you always see the person. because now youre with them every day. and that was exactly what happened. he was strict, he demanded there be dinner ready at 19.30 when he was coming home from work. he would get mad if all of us werent in the kitchen, helping our mom set the dinner. he would yell. it didnt usually get physical, but... that didnt mean never.

his anger issues became more apparent day by day. and my elder sister is like a carbon female copy of him, with added emotional things and lots of ego. so what happens if you put an angry father in the same house as the 'gifted' but burning out daughter, who is really self-centered? chaos.

every day almost, it was yelling. yelling and yelling and yelling. i learnt to mask my emotions, i learnt to be the wall. i learnt to shut my door and put my earphones on. i learnt to close my eyes, to ignore, then to smile and act like i loved them the same. but every time, i hated them both more. my insomnia started at 6th grade. after we went to sleep, the yelling would continue. because he couldnt take his anger out of a 12 year old, right? then his yelling went to my mom. even after they shut up and went to sleep like nothing happened, i would cry in my bed, covering my ears because his voice still rang in my ears. any kind of yelling started to trigger me. i feared my own father at 9 years old, how do i not fear anyone else?

some days my sister and i would go out together to the market. i tried to be around her because i still yearned for her love. she just used me as a rambling dump. because, i cant deny it, a lot of pressure was put on her because of her gift. she had a lot of people expecting much from her, she was sent to special schools while i was in public schools, she had people looking at her. so she would turn the pressure on her to me. to this day she still tells me that since all the pressure went to her, i was set free. she said 'they put us in the same scale. if our father makes me do something, he counts is as you did too. they think you're the same as me.' what she doesn't realize is they're also thinking of me as a smaller version of her. the pressure put on her is being reflected to me. anyways, during one of those days. i never forget. as i said, i always loved and forgave everyone. which included both my father and sister. i remember her say, 'i just want him to stay because he's getting money.' her only care for our father was that he was working. she was 12 years old.

i learnt to not use money. i always felt the heaviness of it. my father often talked about it, how it was hard to get by. debt, debt, debt, debt... i saw what i wanted as extras. i ignored my wants. i even ignored my needs. i refused each time my mom asked to get me anything new. i have clothes, i dont need new ones. its old, its ripped, i dont care. i have it. i dont need a new one. my shoes ripped open. its still working, i dont need anything. i started to deny everything offered to me. i didn't need to eat because that meant they would eat less. after a while, numbness arrived. also reminding that i had a school life that was going fucked up too. i was constantly bullied by people i called my friends back then. but i said nothing. i was already a burden, anything i do was a burden.

i didnt tell them i was bullied. i didnt tell them i lost all my friends. i didnt tell them i was feeling like nothing, i didnt tell them i needed help. i remember, a TV series was made. it was about a psychiatrist's patients. one day, when i was beside my mom, she was watching and the patient gave a big amount of money to pay for the visit. my mom said, '[deadname], dont have anything happen to you. look at how expensive that is.'

to her it was just a comment. she didnt even think. but it made me push away my mental needs.

i was just something that made our family lose money. i was worth nothing. that was all i was thinking. i was a burden, a pain, i was only hurting them by existing. i was ten fucking years old. i started wanting to die.

then the quarantine arrived... god. i was now stuck in the same house as both my father and sister. i wanted to escape them so i started sleeping in the fucking balcony until winter. it was my safe haven, far away from everyone. my father pressured my studies and online classes. he had strict rules. he, once again, was making me hate him. and during these days, things with my sister got weird. or was it before quarantine? i dont know.

so my sister now didnt have as much attention as she used to. and she hated our father. but those days, i had become numb. i was like empty, a puppet my logic played. i smiled when needed, i fought when required; but never let my emotions let alone control, think about being in the charge of me. during these days, my cousins started to love me and hate my sister, during these days, i became close with nola. my sister lost the attention. she became extremely clingy. she said she changed in person, but the abuser never remembers what the abused does. i had trauma amnesia, yeah, but i had it in my mind.

i pushed her away this time. i got away from her. i was really rude to her, but in reality i was just protecting myself. and once again, yelling. she yelled whenever she didnt get what she wanted. and then acted like nothing happened right after. because she was just like our father, external anger issues. and i hated yelling now. i sometimes cried even when a voice raised slightly. i started reading people. a small change in tone made me think they hated me. i was terrified of everyone. paranoid. i acted tough, strong, i tried to be tough and strong. but inside i was bottling up everything. i ignored everything about myself and gave my all for others.

she got clingier. at this point i started to feel anger. the numbness somehow broke and i started to feel again, this time to just be angry all the time. but my anger was internalized, i couldnt reflect it outside. i just wasnt able to. besides, anything i did would add gasoline to the fire that was our 'family'. so i started to relieve the anger by self harm. the difference is that, back then the cuts i made weren't permanent marks. now they are.

my sister tried to connect with me. but since it all turned into yelling, even after we successfully talked, it just broke me. i was now far more rude. i pushed her away at every chance. i lost my forgiving side against her.

fast forwarding the two years. in this space, my father got arrested once and for all then was set free. after that he got a really good job that was his dreams, to work on robots. but he had to move to another city for that. everything calmed down then. i now could keep my eating disorder the way i wanted because i didnt have a father forcing dinner on us every day. he was lost with his strictness. he only got home at weekends... which also caused chaos. dont think this means i hate my family. i love my mom forever. i love my father, mostly. and, i might never admit it, but i care about my sister too. i hate her but... yeah. i want her to go away, but i dont want anything bad happen to her either. because im still too fucking soft. i ignore all her abuse. now she hates me again. she bullies me whenever she can... but also tries again to have my attention. its complicated. she's really emotional, she cries a lot. i hugged her when she cried the other day. i wanted to break my own arms for it. i dont want to be around her. but i have to.

stopped eating. because who cares? my sister knows. she knows i have one. she just doesnt give a fuck. she doesnt care that im killing myself with this.

the other day i directly told to her, 'you destroyed my life.' she immediately denied. but its my life. that you dont know of. you dont know what you caused me, you dont know what i went through. you destroyed my life. but i still cant help but care about you. you took everything from me. but i still have our connection, and its sacred for me.

as much as i want to cut it off.

yeah. i cried multiple times while writing this. i rememberred a lot of stuff i forgot. i dont think anyone will read my whole family story -at least whole that i can remember now- anyway cause its way too long.

and im sorry if you read all this. im a fucking mess. this is just the family part, there is the school part too but i dont know if i'll write that. sometimes i doubt myself, 'maybe im overreacting what i went through. maybe im not depressed and just want attention.' but after this... i, really really dont know what to say. im so done. im so tired. im so fucking tired. i wanted to kill myself since i was ten years old. i almost killed myself a few times. im so tired. its not that i want to die, i realized. its that i dont want to live this. i just want to rest, please. i just need to be alone. far away from this 'family' that will throw me away. im so fucking tired. im so fucking done. im so exhausted of cutting myself and then having to bandage it. having to hide my arm. im so fucking tired of wanting to throw my whole stomach out each time i eat. im so fucking sick of closing my eyes and not being able to sleep.

im so done with my mood swings. im so done with looking at the mirror and seeing someone i dont want to be. im so done with looking at my non-working antideprassants and wanting to overdose on them. im so done with standing on the roof, wanting to jump down. im so done with everything. im so done.

someone save me from this hell this loophole i dont want to be in this pain please i dont want to have to feel this every single fucking day i want to be normal for once i want to feel loved accepted cared about cherished everything i wasnt given as a child

save me

please

its hard to breathe

[ambrossart]

I’m so sorry to clog up your notifications, but for some reason, Tumblr is refusing to let me comment 🙄 Think of this as a continuation of my comment from a few minutes ago 🤦‍♀️

About the boxes: right?! I’ve donated/given away/thrown away way too many things for there to still be this much stuff.

By the way, you should be so proud of yourself for going through all this moving with agoraphobia. I’ve only moved once and it’s caused a major strain. Going from Rhode Island to Tennessee is not an easy feat. If it helps to write out what’s going on, please keep us updated! Again, I’m sending soooo much rest your way!

I'm writing this from Tennessee!

Oh my god, that was the most stressful move of my life. My husband accidentally went through a moving broker and we 100% got scammed. They severely underquoted us (a common tactic), so when the movers showed up, the cost was more than double what was quoted. We were backed into a corner. Our options were to pay the extra cost or throw away all of our furniture. Thankfully, my parents loaned us some money, so we got our furniture loaded onto the truck (minus our dining room table, which we had already sacrificed), but now we have no idea when we're getting our furniture delivered—or if we're getting our furniture delivered. I hate moving so much. I wanna cry, but I'm too exhausted.

But my new apartment is gorgeous. Apart from the leaky sink (which should be fixed today) and the lack of furniture, it's incredible. Everything is brand new. There's so much space. The community is up in the hills, so it's got this quiet, woodsy vibe. Once we're settled, I know I'm gonna be really happy here.

And yeah, my mental health has definitely taken a hit with all this moving. My agoraphobia is triggered by major changes in environment. Actually, even minor changes will trigger it. During the drive here, for example, I was having mini panic attacks at every rest stop because I was scared I was gonna get lost on my way to the restroom (I know that sounds silly, but 🤷‍♀️). I have to Google every new place I visit so that I can see pictures of the inside and outside. If I could download a map, I would.

But you wouldn't know I'm struggling if you saw me. I go through great effort to hide it.

My lowest point was in college. My freshman year was fine because I had a roommate and would go out with her, but my sophomore year I was by myself, and I didn't leave my dorm for months, except to go to class (and I barely ever went to class either, but luckily I had very understanding professors who made accommodations for me). I also developed a slight ED during this time. I was too scared to go get food, so I wouldn't eat, except for like a candy bar out of the vending machine or something. I was like a little gremlin. I would come out at night, raid the vending machine, and then scurry back into my room before anyone could see me. That’s really embarrassing to admit, but it’s true. And I was losing weight! I was losing so much weight, and I was happy because I had always struggled with my weight, so… win-win, right? I didn’t have to face the terrifying world and I was finally skinny. What could possibly go wrong?

Well, one night I fainted in the shower, fell hard, slammed my head on the bathroom floor, lost conciousness, came to, saw my RA hovering over me, and finally realized I had a major problem.

Yeah, I was a hot mess in my late teens/early twenties.

I’m still a hot mess, but I’m doing a lot better. 😂

[faememes]

𝐀𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒.

Feel free to change pronouns/titles as you see fit.

"Kinda thing might really catch a man's eye...say, on a date?"

"Well, don't hold your breath. Especially with tuberculosis."

"You know there's a difference between being an independent woman and a spinster."

"Is it the shoes? Clock out, pull the curtains, and sleep. _______'s orders."

"Agent ______, we just pulled a red ball out of DC. All hands on deck. Meaning cover the phones."

"_______, redirect all calls to the briefing room. Covered. Shall we?"

"I knew __________ during the war; his help was invaluable. He may be a great many things, but he's not a traitor."

"I saw him once at a U.S.O. shown in Passaic. You could eat him with a spoon."

"Yes, I understand he was quite something."

"Everything all right, English?"

"Fine actually, if you don't count work."

"Boys at the phone company giving you a hard time?"

"No more than usual, it's just... During the war, I had a sense of purpose. Responsibility. Now I connect the calls, but I never get a chance to make them."

"Now that's the _________ I need."

"When you're not humiliating him, that fellow up there is my butler, __________. He will help you any way he can."

"What now, ________?"

"Now, I go to work."

"You were trying to do something good, and I believe you accomplished it."

"But was it worth it?

"Keep your eyes open."

"But I'm coming with you."

"Where are you?"

"Just keep driving!"

"Could you be slightly more specific?"

"Just to be clear, this is pressed into your brachial artery, it may be dull but I'm determined. Keep smiling. Once you start to bleed, you'll lose conciousness in fifteen seconds, you'll die in ninety unless someone comes to your aid. Now given your recent behavior, how likely do you think that is to happen? To prevent this not entirely unfortunate event from occurring, I suggest you find another place to eat. Do we understand each other?"

"Good. Oh, and one more thing... tip generously."

"I figured you'd never have a problem finding a man."

"The trick is finding the right one."

"You wouldn't believe me, if I told you."

"We'll keep an open mind."

"I don't have long, so listen very carefully. I need you to dispose of ________'s car."

"I beg your pardon?"

"The SSR are looking into Roxxon at this very moment. That car sustained damage at the site, and it's likely to be teeming with vita radiation. Make it disappear."

"Very well. Let's see, the linens come out of the wash in thirty minutes..."

"Now."

"Fine. I shall forego the linens."

"I told you I don't need your help."

"An ideal butler provides service without being asked."

"Oh! Put it back. I need to drive this thing out of here."

"You're very fortunate that I ignored your instructions."

"Oh, you're so right. How I managed to stay alive before I met you, I have no idea."

"I can't tell if you're being arrogant... or ignorant."

"Both, I imagine."

"Your line of work requires support. People who care about your wellbeing, who will be there to stitch up your wounds."

"If I allow people to get close to me, I'm putting them in danger."

"So your solution is to remove yourself from the world you wish to protect. Where's the sense in that? There is not a man or woman, no matter how fit he or she may be, who is capable of carrying the entire world on their shoulders."

"... ______ was."

"From what ______ has told me, _______ relied heavily on you. For courage, strategy, and moral guidance. You were his support. Your desire to help others is noble, but I doubt you'll find much success unless you allow others to help you."

"Hi, Mary! That's Mary. She's a legal secretary at Goodman, Kirksberg and Holloway. Evelyn. Evelyn is a lounge singer at a club in midtown. Hi, Sarah! That's Sarah. She's a slut."

"How long do you see yourself working for the telephone company?"

"Only until I'm married, Miss ______."

"In a city filled with temptation, debauchery, and mischief, the Griffith Hotel is a haven for proper young ladies. Our code of conduct is indisputable. Attire should be demure and elegant. Curfew is 10:00. No drinking. No men above the first floor. No exceptions. Is that clear, Miss _______?"

"Perfectly."

"I may not always be truthful with _____, but I am always honest."

"What's your name, Darling?"

"Agent."

"No girl is gonna trade in a red, white, and blue shield for an aluminum crutch."

"I got a bottle of schnapps and half a rhubarb pie; let's see which one makes us sick first."

"A lot of stuff gets stolen from _________; cars bombs, death rays..."

"Actually, the death ray's accounted for. It's in Nevada, I believe."

"I haven't been in the back of a car in years."

"What brings you here?"

"My landlady gave me an idea."

"Oh splendid, now if we can get an opinion from your butcher."

"Sorry, you're counting the ransom in front of me."

"Our boss is a very precise man."

"Your manners never cease to disappoint."

"Get in."

"What? I hate small spaces. What if the chain snaps and I fall to my death?"

"Don't worry. I'll never reveal that _______'s dead body is lying, rotting in the bottom of a dumbwaiter shaft."

"You don't have to get changed with the door closed. I thought we were friends."

"What the hell do you think of me?"

"I think you're a man out for his own gain no matter who you're charging. You are constantly finding holes to slither your way into in the hope of finding loose change, only to cry when you're bitten by another snake. You're a man who says "I love you" whilst looking over a woman's shoulder into the mirror. _________ dedicated his mind, his body, his life to the SSR, and to this country, not to your bank account. I made the same pledge, but I'm not as good as ______ was. I forgot my pledge running around for you like a corporate spy. So thank you, ________, for reminding me who _____ was and what I aspire to be. For all I know, you did steal your inventions."

"If you want to get to know New York--if you want to get know any place, you have to start with the people first."

"I talk to people."

"Real people with real jobs. Not the, uh, phony, superficial ones that pervade the city. Uh, you should start with Brooklyn first."

"But I-I'd rather see the Statue of Liberty."

"Oh, she'll still be there. But what she represents, the spirit of Lady Liberty, is founded is found in its people."

"Wow. You sounded like Captain America just now."

"That's not a bad thing."

"What would ____ say if I left his best girl behind?"

"He'd say, 'Do as ____ says'."

"He can be thoughtless. Inconsiderate. Vain. Childish. Unreliable. Arrogant."

"You flatter him."

"The Germans are geniuses when it comes to beer. But, no one knows bourbon like the US of A."

"You guys are the Howling Commandos!"

"I hate that name."

"I came up with that name."

"That you did."

"Does anyone else feel a chill going up their knickers?"

"I would if I wore knickers."

"Wahoo!"

"Stop wahooing and help!"

"Not bad. For a girl."

"I hate you all."

"You sure you wanna get on that plane? Commandos could always use another good fighter. We just need to come up with a nickname for you."

"Tempting, but I think it's time I put my days on the front lines behind me. Someone needs to mind the wheel back in the States. And I suppose someone needs to convince the SSR of _____'s innocence, wanker or not. I'll miss you."

"Miss you, too, ____. Wait a second. Miss you... Miss Union Jack! Whaddya think, fellas? Huh?"

"Never speak again."

"She's a cute broad. When she's not punching me in the face. Who is she?"

"Not who I thought she was."

"How could he possibly meet this many women?"

"The Academy Awards is a very busy time... What are you doing?"

"A large portion of the women on this list are well known actresses, models and socialites. Publicly established for several years. They can be disregarded."

"Well, I wouldn't dismiss her."

"You think Ginger Rogers is a Russian assassin?"

"You should have seen her eyes when I escorted her from Mr. Stark's villa. The darkest gates to the abyss."

"_____. Don't run. If you run, I'll know it's true."

"I'm sorry, ______."

"You don't look like federal agents."

"We're with the Strategic Scientific Reserve."

"Well, I'm with the Queens County 4H. Take it down the hall."

"I think it had something to do with her sick grandmother."

"Oh, gee. Um..."

"Please don't... do that."

"She's got a grandmother who's doing poorly. And whenever I think about it, I think of my grandmother who's so supportive of my acting career. I performed for her, and she said, you belong on stage, angel. Even though I'm living hand to mouth, I just, uh..."

"Please stop."

"Could you do something here?"

"No. Actors wear their emotions close to the surface. I could no more stop her than I could Laurence Olivier."

"What's your grandmother's name?"

"Gam Gam."

"Uh, we should go... talk to some more of the neighbors. C'mon, _________."

"There, there."

"_______, how would you feel if we smashed that mirror with this table?"

"I would feel splendid about it."

"Alright, we pick it up, and then on the count of three--"

"Battering ram. Ready? One... Two... Wait. What if there are people behind this mirror that we're breaking?"

"Then they may get hurt. There'll be a spray of glass."

"I see. One... Two... Wait! What if those hypothetical people behind the mirror have guns?"

"Then we may get hurt. There'll be a spray of bullets."

"I see. One... Two... Three! No people. Everybody wins."

"I've just thought of something."

"We're still attached to a table."

Promise me you'll get the son of a bitch who did this. Say it!"

"We'll catch him."

"'Atta girl."

"To you, I’m a stray kitten left on your doorstep to be protected. The secretary turned damsel in distress. The girl on the pedestal, transformed into some daft whore."

"And I suppose the confession portrays me as what? A patsy? A doe-eyed idiot succumbed to the charms of America’s mustachioed Casanova?"

"I conducted my own investigation because no one listens to me. I got away with it because no one looks at me. Because unless I have your reports, your coffee, or your lunch, I am invisible."

"How's that look?"

"Like a nest of spiders with very short legs."

"That's good enough."

"______ ... I know you loved him. I loved him, too. But this won't bring him back. ______, you are the one person on this earth who believes in me. I cannot lose you. _____ is gone. We have to move on--all of us. As impossible as that may sound, we have to let him go."

"You were gonna shoot me out of the sky?"

"Well, I thought that was what you would have wanted."

"No! No, it's not. And for future reference, under no circumstance would I want anyone to shoot or otherwise hurt me. You got that?"

"Your point is amply made, sir."

"How refreshing to meet someone who appreciates the finer things."

"I appreciate the finer things. I just don't want to know what's happened in and on the fine things."

[averycanadianfilm]

September 27, 2023

The Worth of Wild Ideas

Even if a leading theory of consciousness is wrong, it can still be useful to science. - Anil Seth

[vetrenar]

So... I've finally watched the new Trigun and I'm completely swept off my feet! It's so beautiful, and incredible, and I like the new character designs (though I'm a bit sad that they decided to put Milly aside. I like Roberto and I love to see his "grampy dad" dynamic with Vash and Meryl but why can't we have +1 character instead of "that one or this one") and I have SO MUCH hope for this show...

Anyway, it made me think how different from each other all parts of the franchise are:

1. OG Trigun anime. "The First One" for many, for some of whom it's always will be The Best One.

In comparison with other variants of Trigun, the old anime feels the most like a goofy "classic" tale, with a bit of melancholic vibes. Yeah, it still has its share of sad moments but mostly the corners are smoothed. With 60% of the story being filler, it generally has more light hearted tone than the original manga. Also, the characters of the anime are much closer to the... I wouldn't say "ideal", but more like "archetypal" versions of themselves. Rem was a downright angel, July's destruction didn't kill anyone (although people still fought and killed each other afterwards), the philosophical question about kill not to kill is answered with "put a bullet through each of his limbs until he can't move and hope for the best" (ok, it was a strange one. But I'm still baffled with what Vash's plan was afterwards). What's more important, Vash's ideals, while are hard to reach, don't feel impossible.

2. Manga.

Oooo, I love this one. After the old anime, I totally wasn't prepared to how much more raw, brutal and unhinged the manga is. People who ask for FMA: Brotherhood treatment for the manga seemingly forget that such an anime would have to be shown only veeery late in the night, with the "for adults only" disclaimer.

At the same time, I find the raw, honest energy of the manga absolutely beautiful and love it much, much more than the old anime because of how down-to-Earth characters are there. They may not to be ideal, but they're undoubtedly, 100% human.

Yeah, it's Rem, after her symbolic "the ticket to the future" dream.

And Knives. So much more about Knives, his motivation and determination. And unlike the anime version, where he, being the odd one from the beginning and a bit of philosophical soul, took the problem of spiders and butterflies just too far, the manga version clearly shows that it's not really about good and bad ones. It's about how, after an excessive trauma, Knives' mind went to shit and never fully returned. He was more sensitive than Vash, and more open to dialogue with humans but, when cutting wood, it's a surgical scalpel that breaks first, not a kitchen knife.

Manga Knives doesn't just make scary faces. He sincerely asks his sisters to lend him their powers and, while the level of plant's self-conciousness is arguable, I think it's won't be so far fetched to say that they do care about him.

Aaah, yeah, manga's nice little body horror...

Also, manga is much more merciless towards Vash's pacifism. While anime says "yeah, it's hard, but if you try enough you can reach it", the manga is more about "It's impossible and everyone, including you, know that. But it doesn't means that you should stop trying, because even it's impossible, it's still the path you chose for yourself". And I think that this message is much stronger and more important.

3. Trigun Stampede.

Well, it's really a dark horse, isn't it? With so many controversy about changes in characters's design, story and everything. But from what I've seen so far, I can say that, while reboot doesn't try to repeat the original - original manga, not the old anime - word to word, it stays completely in tune to its main message and Vash's emotional journey, and it's the most important thing to me. And again, it's so incredibly beautiful and well made, and I really have so much hopes for it. My only fear is that there won't be a second season announcement because there is no way that they will be able to contain everything into merely 12 episodes.

Well, we'll see. Until that, Love&Peace, everyone!

[fipindustries]

hey, remember a couple of months ago when i went around giving arguments for dualism? lets give that another go!

so, let's take it as a given that the human body is just a biological machine, it is deterministic, ultimatly its behavior is out of our control because we ourselves, our own desitions, our preferences, our thoughts, are going to be dictated by the state of the chemicals inside our brain.

now the thing is, we do know how this feels, this is not that hard to imagine at all. my heart beats because my brain is making it beat, i dont put any concious effort into it, i dont choose at every moment to make it beat because i really like how it fees when it does. i cant move the muscles in my heart the same way i can move my finger. same with breathing, i can try to hold my breath for a long time but eventually my brain will override my efforts and make me take a gulp of air. same with my eyes, i cant choose to keep my eyes open if something crashes against my eye suddenly. same with coughing, if something goes down the wrong pipe my body will make me cough wether i want it or not. same with goosebumps, same with sweating, with producing white cells, with moving my intestines to help the waste flow, with sweating and with a bunch of other things.

and the thing about all these processes is that they feel like they would expect from a biological machine, they feel like nothing, it doesnt feel like we "want" to do them and so we do them, they just happen, without us even being aware of it, with no thought, no feeling, no conciousness of it.

so

why is not every process in our body like that? why is it that when it comes to other things like eating or walking or fucking there is an internal process, an awareness, a feeling? all of those things are just bodily functions like the heart beat or the bowel movement or the shiver due to the cold. all of those things are also ultimatly produced by the mechanical processes of the chemicals in our brains, so why those feel different, why do those involve internal feelings at all? we dont do them automatically or on autopilot as it were. we have to internally feel like we "want" to do them and then internally "choose" to do them and then "will" our body to do it. why?

what is going on there? how can there be a "want" codified into ourself through chemicals and why does that want which generate bodily actions feels diferent than other bodily actions?

i understand that making the brain a general problem solving machine and then giving that brain goals and letting it figure out the means to reach those goals is much more effective, versatile and powerful than merely making all of our survival actions hardcoded like heartbeats or breathing is. and i understand that the question can be answered as "because that is the solution evolution came up with" still doesnt really explain how did evolution did it.

how did evolution summon the right combination of chemicals such that certain actions taken by those chemicals are completly unconcious and others generate an internal awareness, if its all chemicals in the brain then it should all be unconcious or it should all be deliberate but we have this weird mix instead

[angelgoddard]

Hi! I’m the one anon that just sent the ask about the girl that I’ve been talking to for 5 years. Can I be “Anon 🏳️‍🌈”, just in case I send more? :)

The part where u said “find ways to cope with your emotions as if you didn't know about the law and couldn't change anything”, the “problem” is that I’m not great at dealing with feelings and I don’t even like to feel them… I just bury them, shut down and get numb and that’s the opposite of what u just told me to do. But you’re right, I feel like trying to bury my feelings is creating a lot of resistance. I tell myself that she loves me and with that, the pain comes back and the whole conversation about the “I don’t love you anymore” comes back and drags down my energy.

Taking a break from the law is not something that I feel like I can do. Makes me fixate on time, you know? Like, “I’m wasting so much time”, “I could be fixing this right now but I’m not doing anything”, “The longer it passes, the harder it will be for her to come back to me”. Even thought I know that with the law, it makes no difference if we’re apart for a day or 10 years.

(Something that I never understood about the “emotions don’t manifest” is, if you’re in the wish fulfilled, how can u have negative emotions? Isn’t that an indicator that you’re not?)

I try to make my mind a safe place but I’m so used to “war”, arguments, pain that they have become my brain’s comfort zone. I did work through it and I’m so much more positive now and my mind is a lot more peaceful than before. But when it comes to her, because I have so much resentment over so many things she did, every time I try to visualize conversations with her, my brain zones out and I can only picture us arguing and even when I shut down those visualisations, they’re always fighting to come back. It’s unconsciously, I just find myself doing it and shut them down when I notice it. I don’t know if you’ve ever been through that mentally. And I know u just said that I shouldn’t try to control my emotions nor my thoughts but if I don’t, I feel like I’m failing. Before I understood “states”, I thought that affirmations/thoughts are what manifests so for ~2 years I’ve been focused on ONLY thinking positively so it just feels wrong to think negatively, even though I know now that states are what creates, I feel like negative thoughts take me out of them.

About the “experience your desires in imagination as vividly as possible”, I’ve noticed that everytime I visualise “willingly” I have a hard time feeling it as real. Only when I “daydream”, I can feel everything, all the emotions, the energy, as if I’m actually there, but that’s me being lost in my thoughts, it’s not something I can do consciously. Do u have any tips for that??

I’m sorry for how long this is :/

okay so about the feelings thing, i used to also be like that. i buried my feelings because i thought it would help me manifest faster, but it actually just made my mental health worse. the way i worked on acknowledging my feelings and letting go of the idea that i needed to be positive and happy to manifest is by going directly to the source (neville ofc). i read all his books and highlighted things i found important/significant. for you, i would suggest doing the same thing. any of his books or lectures will do, especially in the beginning. i think it will also help you and the issue you described with time, like how you feel like the longer you don't conciously focus on manifesting, the harder it'll be to get her back, which is not true.

about the "emotions don't manifest" bit, the wish fulfilled is not about being happy (although very well it can be), it is about the sense of knowing you have your desires and accepting that you have them. emotions are not an indicator of anything regarding the law, usually. now, about the resentment and thoughts about what "actually" happened. i have definitely experienced this before and it seriously sucks. the way i was able to combat this was practicing the state akin to sleep frequently. even when an undesired thought or scene popped up in my mind, i let it happen, then i dismissed it and wrnt back to what i wanted to see. i didn't let my mind have control over me. it's not an easy thing to do, but it is achievable. it's the same for your visualization troubles. it's probably easier for you to do it because there's no "pressure", does that make sense? try and remind yourself that your mind is safe and that there are no rules about thoughts regarding the law. set yourself free to explore the endless possibilities you've created for yourself.

i hope this helps u anon <3 apologies for the late reply.

[violentviolette]

Hey I hope your well, feel free not to answer this ask if you feel like it crosses any boundaries or anything but I saw some of your posts from September about ASPD and Impulse Control and I was wondering to what extent you can control your impulses have and ASPD because when I was a kid I definetly lashed out a people all of the time verbally but as I got older I was able to not do that but I'm like basically teetering on a ledge with not doing that like it requires so much effort it's exhausting and I'm still not always the best at it. I know that technically I am controling my impulses now but yeah. Anyways sorry if your not comfortable answering this ask. Bye !

no worries anon i dont mind answering questions like this at all so u can definitly learn to control ur impulses to a degree and still have aspd, i didnt mean to imply u have to lack all impulse control forever so apologies if that was unclear. impulse control is much more like a spectrum than a solid on/off switch so, all people lack impulse control when their born. babies and toddlers up to around 5-6 have very little to no impulse control because the frontal lobe which controls that hasnt grown yet, but as healthy children grow and are raised properly their brains grow and they gradually learn more and more impulse control and develop the ability to stop themselves from doing the first thing that pops into their brains. puberty sees a spike in lack of impulse control mostly because ur at an age where u have lots of freedom and agency and soso many hormones and emotions rolling around that u didnt before and are experiecing for the very first time so u see a spike of impulsivity in teens and then as u age that levels back out and most adults have very little problem controlling their impulses and it's mostly second nature. they barely think about it before deciding to move on

what makes something disordered and what determines what mental illness that disfunction falls under is where on that normal timeline someone deviates, why, and for how long so someone with aspd for example, instead of gradually developing more and more impulse control from 5 - 12 they would have very little if any growth in control, continuing to act impulsively and without thought well past when they should, then when they hit puberty, that normal spike is now a giant spike and they are engaging in extreamly dangerous behavior. where a healthy teenager might steal something here or there, try cigarettes and alcohol, or do some slightly risky sexual activity like giving ur bf a handjob in a parking lot, a teenager developing aspd might steal so much they get arrested, escalate to doing hard drugs like coke or heroin, engage in highly risky sexual behavior like unprotected sex with strangers, ect then, when healthy people leave puberty and their frontal lobes reach mature size and their hormones become more stable, impulse control becomes second nature. whereas someone with aspd would not experience that same natural growth. our frontal lobes become stunted and dysfunctional and thus controlling our impulses remains a very difficult thing we must actively work to conciously do everytime. we can and do learn control, but it is far below the normal healthy threshold and is much much more difficult for us and we have to expend a lot of concious energy in order to do so and that persists throughout our lives

[sebazu]

OP 1062 Improbable Theory

So I have a crazy theory that I got from the latest chapter of One Piece (1062) We heard Vegapunk-Lilith mention how hard to control living things are last chapter. We learned this chapter about how Doctor Vegapunk created extra bodies with part of his conciousness(Probably based on Den Den Mushi, I think) And CP0 said they were bringing back a “Problem Child” which seems to refer to the Kuma Pacifista with Lunarian Wings next to them. So I’m calling it now, Bartolomew Kuma’s conciousness still exists and the reason that the Kuma-Pacifista is acting out(I’m assuming that though) is that it’s connected to the original, just like Vegapunk’s satelites. Also that he’ll manage to comunicate with Bonney in another tear inducing OP moment.