#Therapy be hitting me HARD

[mothersquishy]

A Letter To The Past

When I was asked what I’d say to my younger myself I was caught off guard

So many emotions bubbled up, out of my eyes, puddle of tears collecting on my lap

How do I tell such a young, hopeful, child that it didn’t get better?

That she just learned how to handle it instead?

How am I supposed to tell her that her found family will dissipate causing a deep hollowing pain in her heart, never filling but never growing, always there?

That her first love was never capable of loving her back?

That she hurt her best friend so deeply he had to cut her out of his life?

That her kind heart was used against her, ripping away her innocents on prom night?

That she stayed silent, hearing of another girl attacked by the same man?

How do you expect me to tell her that her next love, the one she saw such a bright future with

The one she built a family with

That she’ll shatter the very heart she swore to love for all eternity?

How do I hug a child that’s so broken and brittle that just touching her will cause her to crumble to dust?

How am I supposed to comfort a child that is so far gone in misery and pain and heartache

That she couldn’t possibly return to person she used to be

Because that person never existed?

How do I hold her tight against my chest, crying and screaming lies that did get better when it didn’t?

That there was no way we could repent for the wrongs we’ve done to others?

How am I to tell her

That she will forever be dreaming of her grief

Woken up night after night

Tears pooling in her ears?

That she is so utterly demolished that she had no choice but to pick up all of what’s left of her

The sharp points that dig cuts deep into her hands

And forge a cage around her heart that hurts everyone who goes near?

That her tears will turn to rage

The hate will fester, becoming one with her soul?

That she’ll become a demon in order to protect herself?

That even after all the years of abuse, depression, hurt, and heartache

She’ll still keep the door open to her heart

Like a foolish child?

That the very hope she so stubbornly holds on to

Is the very thing that causes her the most wounds?

I couldn’t

I wouldn’t

I look at her, tears slipping out of her eyes at the sight of scars all over my body

Caused by her very hands

I kneel down, leveled with the small hurting child

And open my arms to her

I tell her that her childhood best friend is still in her life, antics still there

That her and mother will become close finally

That her broken family is trying so desperately to fix themselves

That she’ll have the most wonderful kids, hearts so pure, hearts so full of love

That she changed the lives of people, saving them when their fingers were on the trigger

I hold her, tears spilling out my wounded soul and tell her

That her heart is so big, so caring, it hurts to look at

That she is so very worthy of love, someone you can’t help falling in love with

That all the pain and hurt she carries deep in her chest will lessen with time

And that it’ll all be worth it in the end

That she’ll open her heart so wide, taking the secrets of strangers

Wiping away tears from the very ones who caused her harm

Understanding that they too, caged their hearts in thorns

That she’ll suffer, and scream, and cry, and beg for an end she doesn’t want

Because she is alive

Because she has felt everything time and time again

And to live is to feel-

Feel so deeply it rips you apart

Like a flower in bloom

I’ll wipe away her tears

Help her pick up the pieces

And bask in the warmth of our hopes and dreams

Because she is me

And I am her

And our hearts are one.

[vi-visected]

my therapist: how are you feeling in the wake of your (autism spectrum disorder) diagnosis?

me: well it makes sense doesn’t it? i was the one who requested testing. like on some level i kind of figured.

my therapist: yes, i’m personally glad we pursued it because it helps me better understand parts of your behavior and how to accommodate you. but how do you feel about it? you said before that you were in heavy denial about the possibility when you were younger.

me: well yeah, i had a preconceived idea of what autism was that i know now wasn’t true. but at the time it was distressing and i didn’t want to think about it too hard.

my therapist: how was it different then? what was your idea of autism then?

me: it was, you know, severe developmental delay. i never thought i had developed abnormally at all, so to try and match up the severity i associated with autism and the way i viewed myself, i just couldn’t.

my therapist: but you did.

me: sorry?

my therapist: you did develop abnormally. both socially and academically.

me: socially yes, but i had no problems with academics. i always especially excelled at reading comprehension, more so than anyone else in my grade. i started lagging in high school but i think that was a lot of burnout and depression and ptsd, probably. i was incredibly smart. hell, i spoke in full sentences earlier than most of my peers.

my therapist: violette, that’s still abnormal development.

me: …huh?

my therapist: developing abnormally fast is still developing abnormally.

me:

me: oh.

[deoidesign]

.

[adaines-furious-feast]

Just thinking about how Madam Loathing looking after all the Wayward Interests is the manifestation of when you look back at your past self and cringe because "why were you so into magic, that's so embarrassing, everyone found you so annoying you frigging idiot".

[blinddreams24]

I just finished God of War: Ragnarok

[mlobsters]

(continued under the cut)

billie eilish and finneas - interview with zane lowe may 21, 2024 - on fear, honesty and struggle with HIT ME HARD AND SOFT

Billie: Well, and also, not to throw you under the bus, but Finneas was like, “I don't like doing this anymore. I don't want to write music right now.” Finneas: That’s true. Billie: And this was really scary for me at the time because, as you know, I used to be like, I hate making music. Don't want to make it, don't like making it. It's frustrating. It's irritating. I love having made it. I love performing it. I love, you know, when it's good. But I really have always struggled with the process. And this was when— Finneas: You were enjoying the process suddenly. Billie: I was kind of finally enjoying the process. And Finneas was like, “I would rather be doing anything else right now.” And it was very interesting because I saw myself in that. I was like, I have felt that way, and you have always been the thing that keeps the ship moving, and now you feel that way and like, what does that mean for us and what are we going to do? Billie: Well, and also, not to throw you under the bus, but Finneas was like, “I don't like doing this anymore. I don't want to write music right now.” Finneas: That’s true. Billie: And this was really scary for me at the time because, as you know, I used to be like, I hate making music. Don't want to make it, don't like making it. It's frustrating. It's irritating. I love having made it. I love performing it. I love, you know, when it's good. But I really have always struggled with the process. And this was when— Finneas: You were enjoying the process suddenly. Billie: I was kind of finally enjoying the process. And Finneas was like, “I would rather be doing anything else right now.” And it was very interesting because I saw myself in that. I was like, I have felt that way, and you have always been the thing that keeps the ship moving, and now you feel that way and like, what does that mean for us and what are we going to do?

[hobisexually]

I have so many problems with karamo but the s8 finale… he sees an asian woman who has severe trauma surrounding her father due to (some) asian culture(s) not allowing people to properly talk to their parents about their emotions or issues with them because that could be seen as disrespectful, oui? so she hasn’t spoken to him after her mother died and that is hard, yes?

and this man chooses to surprise her in the car (after making her cry) with an unannounced FaceTime call with said father, which forces her to immediately talk about why she’s upset with him after three years of not speaking??????? without being prepared, without knowing what to say to a stubborn elderly asian man who never learned to deal with his emotions and fucked up because of it? REALLY?

the LEAST he could have done was tell her in advance so she could write it down for herself and so she could be prepared

sure they talked. sure they made a start. but at what cost. what violence did this wreak on her for no reason. jesus CHRIST THIS MAN ANGERS ME SO MUCH

[runawaymun]

.

[chainofclovers]

Being a human is literally like this weird combo of being okay and not okay that goes on forever except there is also death

[patchwork-crow-writes]

Grief Is

(Inspired by MyHouse.wad, so could potentially be a little spoiler-y. Perhaps go and experience it for yourself before reading on. Unless you don't care, in which case cool)

Grief is the phantom of a Discord ping, echoing through your head as you check again and again, hoping that this time they'll come back.

Grief is a two-headed dog that bays for your blood. Never resting, never relenting, it will not stop until it has you between its jaws.

Grief is a familiar world made strange and frightening, warping and fraying around you as you flail for something, anything, to break your neverending fall.

Grief is a robber that spirits your very breath away. Through black smoke and murky water, the very act of living becomes an unbearable ordeal.

Grief is wishing you could fall into a mirror, live another life, just for one last chance at something real.

Grief is a plane forever losing altitude, forever doomed to crash. It is at once unstoppable force, immovable object, and catastrophic impact.

Grief is a beach where time's corpse lies rotting in the sun. Caught in its snare, every instant asking what-if becomes its own eternal hell.

[sysig]

The heart grows ever fonder ♥ (Patreon)

[princelancey]

.

[confundida25]

Hades is such a grate game for us lovely People with father issues not only because you get to kill your father at the end of every suceful run but BUT your father promise that he is gonna be at the end of hell waiting for you every attemp you do and guess what?? He is there, EVERY SINGLE TIME, truly a fantasy game.

[bigender-cowboy]

Dude im thinking about my mom rn and it’s actually crazy. I broke a whole ass glass bowl and she laughed it off but my sister made brownies (I was watching her + I called mom for permission because she wasn’t home) that tasted good and I got hit????? Like?????? Wth is the logic??????

[dendrochronologies]

god i cant believe.i made my therapist cry :( i am a horrible little grief machine !!!!! I'M SORRY !!!!!

[honeysuckle-fae]

I don't think therapy is gonna work for me long term with the way the psych system is right now. What I really need is a day with Gordon Ramsay