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wh33zy · 3 years

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My Read on Terrorist: the Black Sheep of Junjou Romantica

Tonight, I wanted to do an analysis of the most controversial couple to enter Nakamura’s arena and to make waves in the BL world. I will be analyzing them both separately and then together. Through the scrutiny of all fans alike, they have prevailed and have become one of the healthiest as well as charming couples that Nakamura has created to date. This is all despite the fucked up situation that they’re in.

So, why were/are they vehemently hated? The main reason I found was because of their seventeen year age gap. As a refresher: Miyagi starts the story at the age of 34 and Shinobu starts at 17, months away from turning 18. Miyagi was more recently divorced from Shinobu’s older sister, Risako, who are both the children of the dean at Mitsuhashi University where Miyagi works as a tenured professor. Upon hearing about Miyagi’s divorce, Shinobu flew back to Japan from studying abroad in Australia in order to pursue him. Through Miyagi trying to get Shinobu to fall out of love with him as well as trying to help get him into college, Miyagi ends up catching feelings for Shinobu. This is where their relationship starts.

Takatsuki Shinobu: He isn’t a terribly complex character, but one of the most interesting yet. He still remains quite mysterious, as he won’t share any details about himself unless someone asks, so for likes/dislikes as well as hobbies, I think he has a lot of potential to be even more interesting as the chapters go on. But, we do know that he is incredibly book smart from the way he excels in all of his studies/studied abroad/is bilingual and socially smart with the way he seems to make a lot of friends pretty easily.

His emotions run incredibly deep, and each one he feels hits him incredibly hard where he can’t help but express it outwardly. He has a pretty aggressive way of doing it too. This is evident by the way he’ll throw a punch if he’s mad (not a serious one) or tackle Miyagi in a hug when he’s really happy. He’s an open book who’ll let you know what he thinks without any fear, no matter who you are. Not only does this make him the peak of direct and straightforward, but this can make him rather intimidating and come even more aggressive than he already does.

He’s a tough guy, doesn’t look it, but he is. He’s a little rough around the edges. I am of the opinion that he was sent to Australia to be tamed but only came back tougher. The Texas of Britain only made him even stronger and this is evident by the way he cowers when he’s fourteen when he’s confronted by three grown men. If adult Shinobu were in the situation, those three men would have their souls snatched. What this paragraph is saying is that Shinobu is the type of person who when thrown to the wolves, he comes back leading the pack.

He’s also the most ambitious and determined in terms of getting what he wants out of life. If he wants it, Shinobu will try his damnedest to get it with no hesitation. He’s either all in or not at all. At the same time, however, he won’t waste his own time/energy. If it isn’t meant to be, he will completely change course to move on.

I think this is what separates him from almost all of Nakamura’s characters; when he found out about Miyagi still having feelings for his sensei, he wasn’t willing to wait around. While he did love Miyagi with all he had, he took it upon himself to look out for his own best interests and move on. I think he realizes that love, more specifically with Miyagi, is an amazing luxury and a dream but not a necessity in his life. Shinobu wanted to be someone’s number one and someone to be ride or die for him as well, since he would be the same, so he only accepted Miyagi when became that someone.

At the same time, Shinobu didn’t force nor want Miyagi to forget about his sensei because he understood that she was an important part of his life. While it does seem like he was acting in desperation, this is why I don’t think it was. Shinobu wanted Miyagi before his sister married him so when the divorce happened, he took his chance to pursue Miyagi, and was ready to back out (more than once!) when it didn’t seem like it would work.

Here’s the thing that makes him more mortal: he’s kind of insecure. While he does have confidence in his abilities to do anything, he actually worries about what people think of him. He wants to be well-liked, he wants to be someone who people think is great. He also worries a lot about how Miyagi sees him, if he’s too immature and young for him. However, he turns these things into self-improvement instead of wallowing. He constantly works on improving cooking and being more social, smiling more, etc.

At the end of the day, Shinobu has a lot of self respect, a drive to improve, and is very considerate towards others (although it’s not obvious, he is!) and I found him to be pretty mature for someone just entering adulthood. All of the reasons above are why he is one of my favorites and why I find him a force to be reckoned with.

Miyagi Yoh: He’s a pretty simple guy: Graduated high school, went to college, found his career, got married (then divorced), is a history buff, and an avid reader. He has pretty traditional leaning values and views and can be a jokester at times. There really isn’t a lot to Miyagi, but I personally don’t think there needs to be. He’s actually the more laid back one in the relationship, although he has his moments where he can be uptight and more reserved.

He’s a more gentle person and definitely cares about being professional, about the proper ways to go about things. Although he is ambitious when it comes to the important stuff, he can sometimes be quite wishy-washy and unsure of himself. His confidence in his own abilities isn’t terribly high, but he does try his best. He does tend to go with the flow sometimes and struggles with handling difficult situations.

He also has his insecurities that are quite similar to Shinobu: his age and if he good enough. In the manga, you see these come up a lot, since he worries about these things pretty often. It’s why he gets so bothered by Shinobu smiling and getting along with girls his age. He can’t help but worry that maybe Shinobu might want that “normal” life and leave him for it.

Which brings me to his main problem: anxiety. A lot of Miyagi’s acting out or on impulse stem from harboring a lot of anxiety. He tends to worry a lot about the future, if he’s doing enough, if he’s good enough, Shinobu’s feelings, Shinobu’s well-being, Shinobu’s future, and being left behind again. When he spirals into anxiety for one of these reasons, he tends to shut down and close himself off or act on impulse.

While it does seem like he has a much better handle on controlling, hiding, and understanding his feelings/emotions, he really fucking doesn’t. What he really does with his feelings is not express them or acknowledge them and hold them in until they explode. I think this stems from the fact that he’s supposed to be the ‘calm and collected adult’, and having to hide his feelings for his sensei when he was with Risako. Now, let’s talk about his sensei for a moment: the sensei I’m referring to is the first women he fell in love with when he was in high school where they had a similar age gap to him and Shinobu now. Sensei was terminally ill and Miyagi helped with some of her care and was also there at the time of her passing. He never seemed to get over her for the next seventeen or so years after that. Miyagi squashed down his grief, so he never really coped or got through it.

It and the divorce also left him with some abandonment issues which is another explanation why he was so upset when he found out Shinobu was planning to leave and went after him even though it collided with him not wanted to acknowledge his feelings. This also explains his jealousy when he sees Shinobu acting cheerfully with others; he’s afraid of being left behind again.

So, I can confidently say that Miyagi doesn’t like dealing with his emotions and maybe doesn’t know how to. He’s also not confident in how he should go about them. This is especially prominent in the way that he’s not sure when/if he should be affectionate with Shinobu. He worries about the timing of it, what if Shinobu isn’t in the mood, if he should bother Shinobu with it in the first place, etc. This caused him to not really take any initiative in their relationship for a while until he realized it (with Shinobu’s help of course) and worked on it to improve.

The Relationship: So, ironically, although they have the most problematic and drama inducing set up, they are the healthiest couple yet. They are healthier than the main couple on the cover (I have yet to see Romantica be as open with each other as they are but Romantica is on their way)! Of course, they’re not at Mistake level...yet.

Whatever problems in their relationship, insecurities, inner most feelings, and needs are discussed. They are both big on communication, and have been irritated when one of them isn’t talking. They also don’t hide their feelings or issues from each other, so their level of understanding one another’s points of view is pretty high. If there’s something wrong, they talk it out and it’s solved by the end of the chapter. Showing affection also is not a big deal in the sense that no one is too embarrassed or too desperate. They can hug and kiss casually without it being a big thing. They never have to wonder if they’re wanted by each other and they make it obvious that they care. They also make an effort to spend time with each other and plan dates. They also are interested and invested in each other’s lives/interests. They are just plain sweet on one another.

Terrorist is what the title suggests: Pure Romance.

But all of this is ignored, these two barely given a chance by a lot of fans because of their age gap. Because an almost middle aged man is dating his ex-wife’s younger brother which is the ultimate betrayal by a sibling and an ex. Which, I understand! I totally don’t blame someone for being uncomfortable with this sort of thing and it turning them off! But, don’t hate on them and then in the same breath uplift Egoist/Minimum or Nostalgia when they WISH they could be half as functional and sweet as Terrorist is.

And that is the darjeeling!

#junjou romantica #junjou terrorist #miyagi yoh #takatsuki shinobu

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dracothedeatheatingcupcake-ao3 · 3 years

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TPWP One Shot: The Problem with Apologies

Hey guys!!!

So! Yesterday, someone commented on how Mondo had never really apologized to Taka about anything, and I realized that... yeah, I never did have him do that, did I? I always intended on it, but it never fit with the story and the more that time went on, the less sense Mondo apologizing would make sense. I always assumed that Mondo did apologize at some point, though, but I know y’all can’t know that unless I write it.

So! I did!

This is a little mini one shot that fits in between chapter 11 and chapter 12. Which, for reference, is right after their first sleep over after they became friends, but before the pool game between Mondo and Sakura, the chapter that we learn about Taka’s first “friend.”

I will eventually be adding this to AO3 and FF . net, but it’s going to go into it’s own story, something made for these little mini one shots and things like that, if I ever have anymore. If not, it will just be by itself. I don’t want to actually add it to TPWP, since it would mess up the chapter numbers, which I use for my own reference as to when things happened. Plus, I’m... not entirely sure how well it fits in that location??? It’s been a while since I read/edited those chapters, and while I think it fits, I’m not entirely sure. So, leaving it as a bonus thing makes most sense to me. I’m posting this here now, though, since it’s done and since some people have been wanting it. :-) Think of it as a reward for following my Tumblr, ha.

It’s about 4K words, so pretty short for my standards, but I kinda like it. :-) I hope it’s a good apology from Mondo for how he acted in the first 10 chapters, before they became friends.

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The Problem with Apologies

Taka sits beside Mondo on the couch, working side by side on their homework. Ever since they became kyoudai (!!) a few days ago, he and Mondo have been doing things like this a lot. Working on homework, studying together, things like that. It’s honestly been a lot easier to tutor Mondo now that they’re friends (and now that the biker is using his glasses, which he’s been fairly good at doing. When they’re alone, at least), which relieves Taka greatly. Part of him had honestly been concerned that things would go back to how they were before, even with their newfound brotherhood, but so far… so far that’s not been the case. Thank goodness…

It’s also been kind of… nice. You know? To have someone beside him to study with, enjoying the quiet with them, helping them when they need it. And Mondo definitely needs it, there’s quite a lot he doesn’t know in relation to, well… everything. But he’s been trying his hardest to listen to Taka when he speaks, to not get frustrated and yell, doing all he can to accept Taka’s help. And in return, Taka has been doing his best to realize when Mondo has had enough and stop before he reaches that point, and it’s all just been… good. Nice. Really, really nice…

Currently, they are both working on their algebra homework, a subject that Mondo is actually pretty good at now that he can see the numbers without struggle. He still needs help figuring out how to do some of the problems, but once Taka explains it, he usually understands and can do the rest of the similar problems without issue. It honestly makes Taka feel so proud of his kyoudai, his heart fluttering with the feeling.

Minutes pass as the pair work, Taka going back to check his completed answers once he finishes the page they were assigned. No words are uttered as they work quietly together, the atmosphere amiable and light. Mondo is relaxed beside him, and everything is just… good. So very, very good…

Of course this peace had to be broken eventually. It always does…

It’s right as Taka has finished going over his work for a third time (you can never be too careful!!) that Mondo finally puts down his pencil, leaning back on the couch. Taka— assuming this means that Mondo is done— turns to face his new kyoudai, smile bright on his lips. The smile dims when he sees the troubled expression on Mondo’s face, the biker looking at the ground with a frown, seeming very unhappy about something. So unhappy that even Taka can notice it, which is saying something considering how bad he normally is at reading facial expressions. It concerns Taka greatly, not wanting his new friend to be upset about anything, really.

As such, Taka carefully does his best to ask the biker what— exactly— is wrong, hoping that he’s not offending the teen.

“K-kyoudai? Are you… alright? You seem… perturbed…” Taka asks softly, nerves filling him at the thought that he said something wrong, and that Mondo is going to yell at him for bothering him. Yes, they’re kyoudai now, but… b-but that doesn’t mean that Mondo won’t get annoyed by him, that he won’t get angry like he has before, that he… h-he won’t yell and storm out and say he doesn’t want to be kyoudai anymore, and… a-and…

“Huh? Oh, uh… n-nah, I’m good, man. Just, uh… thinkin’ ‘bout shit, ya know?” Mondo mutters after a moment, breaking Taka from his thoughts. Taka looks back at Mondo and sees the biker looking at him, though his eyebrows are still furrowed, and his lips are still turned down. Hm… that doesn’t seem good… “The fuck does that word even mean, though? Per… whatever ya fuckin’ said. Swear yer makin’ up half a’ these words, shit.”

Unbidden, Taka finds himself smiling softly, some amusement filling him at the now typical question, even despite the concern he still feels. Mondo always is confused by the terminology that Taka uses… at least the teen feels comfortable enough around him to ask about it! It’s… something.

“Ah! My apologies! Perturbed means upset or unsettled, kyoudai! And I… I apologize for my assumption that something was wrong! I’m… not very good at reading facial expressions, I will admit…”

Taka’s cheeks blush red at his unintended confession, his eyes falling to the ground with his shame. He’s been trying his best to be a good friend to Mondo, but there’s so much he doesn’t know and it’s times like this that that becomes apparent. He… he wishes he knew more about being around other people… he wishes he could be a good friend to Mondo… he… h-he…

Taka startles when he feels gentle fingers touch his cheek, his eyes wide as his lifts his face to look at the teen before him, heart clenching at the sad, somewhat guilty look he finds there. Oh… oh dear, that wasn’t what he wanted… not at all…

“Hey, Taka, it… it’s good, bro. Not a fuckin’ problem. An’, uh… shit. Guess ya could say I’m fuckin’, uh… perturbed, or whatever… j-just, uh. Ya know. Thinkin’ ‘bout shit.”

Taka can see Mondo fidget on the couch beside him, the biker taking his hand back now that Taka is facing him, and he… he wishes he could help his kyoudai with whatever is bothering him… if it’s bugging him this much, it must be serious and he… he wants to help. If he can…

“A-ah, I… I see. Um… would you… like to talk about it? Y-you do not have to if you do not wish! Please do not feel pressured! Just… I- I am here… if you’d like to talk…”

Taka does his best not to fidget as Mondo stares at him following his offer, his cheeks bright red and burning hot. He feels like such an idiot for offering such a thing, of course Mondo doesn’t need his help, Taka is terrible at social matters, terrible at being comforting, terrible at… at everything relating friendship, really, g-god…

“Oh, uh… s-shit man, I uh… I don’t wanna bother you with this shit, ain’t yer problem… t-though, uh… shit. Shit, I… I guess it kinda does involve you, so maybe… uh… fuck.”

Taka watches as Mondo continues to fidget in his seat, his face pinched and tight, the biker clearly uncomfortable but Taka has no idea how to help. Or what Mondo means when he says that it… it involves him… hm…

Feeling very uncertain, Taka does his best to shove away his anxiety and smiles shakily at Mondo, hoping that what he’s about to say will help, not make this worse…

“Ah, I… I see. Well, just know that I am here for you, kyoudai, and if there is anything you wish to talk about, I am more than willing to participate! We are friends, and friends help one another! R… right?”

The sad, sympathetic look Mondo gives him for that comment makes him feel weird inside, his stomach squirming at the look. It’s not the first time Mondo has looked at him like that, especially after he makes reference to the fact that he never really had friends growing up and thus doesn’t really know how friendship works, and he… he doesn’t like it much. Hm… oh dear…

“Yeah… yeah, friends do help each other, kyoudai. I just… I don’t wanna bring up shit that doesn’t matter, ya know? But I can’t help but think that maybe it does, an’ I just… f-fuck, man. I dunno. Don’t even know why I’m thinkin’ ‘bout this shit now. Just… shit. God fuckin’ dammit…”

Taka’s heart clenches further at the grimace Mondo has on his face, and Taka really has no idea what to do. Should he… try and comfort? Reassure? Say nothing and let Mondo handle it on his own? He… he doesn’t know, he truly doesn’t, and he doesn’t want to mess up and ruin things between the two of them, certainly not now that they finally worked everything out and things are good and… a-and…

“Shit. Okay, look, I… I was thinkin’ ‘bout these last few days, right? How… how this shit is nice. Doin’ fuckin’ schoolwork beside ya, not needin’ ta talk ta fill the silence or shit. It… it’s fuckin’ nice, ya know? Ta me at least. An’ I, uh… I was thinkin’ ‘bout how I’m glad we’re kyoudai now. Shit, Taka… words can’t describe how happy I am that we… we’re fuckin’ kyoudai,” Mondo admits, looking kind of embarrassed, but mostly genuine. Taka is confused, though. That… that doesn’t sound bad… right? So why… w-why does Mondo feel perturbed?

Taka doesn’t get a chance to ask before Mondo is continuing, the biker sighing and shifting awkwardly on the couch, looking decidedly uncomfortable, though on he goes…

“But… shit. I couldn’t help but think ‘bout the shit I did ta ya. B’fore we became kyoudai. An’ how I… how I fuckin’ treated ya. The shit I did. The shit I said. An’ I… I fuckin’… shit…”

Mondo trails off, the unhappy, uncomfortable look growing worse. It makes Taka’s heart clench, and he’s reaching out to gently touch Mondo’s hand before he can tell himself not to. He feels his heart skip a beat when Mondo’s lavender eyes immediately meet his, the emotion swirling in their depths too much for him. But he can’t say nothing, can’t let Mondo be upset about something like this, so he pushes the emotion within him down and does his best to smile reassuringly. If such a thing is even possible for him to do…

“Ah, kyoudai! You needn’t worry about things like that! I… I’ve forgiven you for everything that happened before we became friends, you know that! We… we are good, my kyoudai! You needn’t worry about what happened before! It’s in the past and it doesn’t bother me, kyoudai! It… it truly doesn’t.”

Taka can feel his throat get thick and his heart clench again when Mondo gives him a sad look, his smile forlorn and twisted. Oh… oh no, Taka doesn’t want that, he… he…

“But I… shit, man. I never fuckin’ apologized fer any a’ it… did I? The shit I did. How can ya fuckin’ fergive me if I ain’t done shit ta earn it? Ya… yer too fergivin’, man… s-shit…”

Something about the words hurts Taka inside, his heart clenching painfully at the softly spoken statement. He gives Mondo a slightly desperate, pleading look, wishing he knew what to say to make Mondo stop looking at him like that. Like he… he’s unhappy with him, g-god…

“I- I… t-that doesn’t matter, kyoudai! If you- you apologized or not! You have shown me through deed that you regret what you did and I… I know that things are different now and that we are- are friends now. And that… M-Mondo, that… that means more to me than words can say, truly… and I… I don’t need an apology, Mondo… kyoudai… i-it’s truly okay…”

The sad look in Mondo’s eyes gets worse, then, the biker letting out a soft, unhappy sounding sigh. It makes Taka’s eyes water, his breath shuddering in his chest, wondering what he did wrong, why- why Mondo is still unhappy, he- he forgave him, didn’t he? I-isn’t that what Mondo wanted? To be forgiven? Does he want something else from him? God, if Taka knew what he wanted, he’d give it, he swears he would, he just… he doesn’t want to lose Mondo, not so soon, he can’t… he can’t…

Taka startles when he feels a warm hand grasp his own, their fingers twining naturally. It makes Taka’s heart race for a different reason, his cheeks flushed from more than just embarrassment now…

“Shit, Taka… fuck, bro. Ya shouldn’t hafta settle fer second rate shit just ‘cuz… I dunno. Ya think ya gotta. Ya don’t fuckin’ deserve ta be treated like shit… ya… ya do know that, right? That the shit I did ta ya was fuckin’ shitty an’ ya… ya didn’t fuckin’ deserve it? Taka…”

Taka squirms at the things Mondo is saying, feeling very uncomfortable right now. Part of him wants to pull away from the biker, to stop this conversation from happening, not wanting to talk about this, but… but he… god. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t want to offend Mondo, either, and he just feels so conflicted… hm…

“I… I know that, I… I just… I’ve forgiven you. I- I… I don’t know what else you want me to say, Mondo… k-kyoudai… I… I’m sorry…”

Mondo sighs again, the sound carrying more emotion than Taka can decipher, and it makes him feel awful. God… if only he were just better at this sort of thing, then maybe… maybe Mondo wouldn’t be upset, and they could go back to working quietly together without worrying about- about what happened in the past, about useless apologies and… and things like that. He just… he wants to focus on the future, not the past, he… he wants…

“Taka… fuck,” Mondo mutters softly, sounding so very sad. It guts Taka and he hates it and he just… he wants… but then Mondo is shifting closer. Their hands are still twined, but now he is pressed closer to Mondo, can feel his overwhelming warmth, and it’s so much, too much, and Taka doesn’t know what to think, and he just… h-he just…

“Taka. Kyoudai. I ain’t mad at ya… okay? None a’ this shit is yer fault, man. I don’t expect shit from ya, ‘cuz y’ain’t done nothin’ wrong. It… it’s me who’s fucked up here. I’m the one who did all that shit ta ya. Who acted like a fuckin’ jackass an’ hurt ya. Y’ain’t done nothin’ an’ it ain’t you who’s gotta apologize. This ain’t yer fault. Okay? It ain’t.”

Taka can feel his eyes water more, his insides hurting at the soft, gentle words. Mondo… he… he isn’t mad, he… he’s…

“An’ I… I am sorry. Ya know. ‘Bout the shit I did. Know that sayin’ it ain’t enough, know I gotta prove myself ta ya an’ fuckin’ make up fer my fucked-up bullshit these past couple a’ months. But I… I’m so fuckin’ sorry I did that shit ta ya. That I acted like a jackass an’ hurt ya so fuckin’ bad. That I… I made ya cry so many goddam times. An’… an’ that I called ya that word. That fuckin’ slur. Ain’t shit I can say ta excuse that shit, any a’ it, so I’m not even gonna bother tryin’, but I… god, I’m so fuckin’ sorry, Kiyo… I really fuckin’ am…”

Taka can feel the first tears start to fall then, his insides roiling so unpleasantly at the apology he didn’t expect, and… and didn’t really want. He… god, he didn’t want to think about all of this, didn’t want to think about the things Mondo did to him, the pain he went through at the hands of his now beloved kyoudai, he… he doesn’t…

“A-an’ now I’m makin’ ya cry again… f-fuck, I’m so fuckin’… I’m so sorry, Taka, I… I’m so fuckin’ sorry… didn’t mean ta make ya cry… hate seein’ ya cry, I… Kiyo…”

Taka shakes his head, frantic and fast, and he looks Mondo deep in the eyes. The pain he finds there hurts him badly, and he can’t help how he shifts even closer to the biker, wanting to- to be closer, to… to get comfort, to provide comfort, he- he doesn’t know, he… he doesn’t…

“M-Mondo… k-kyoudai… i-it’s okay! I… I told you, I forgive you, it… it’s okay… a-and it’s not your fault I’m crying, I promise! M-Mondo, I… I’m sorry…”

Mondo lets out a soft, unhappy noise then, and before Taka can feel afraid that he messed up more, that Mondo is unhappy with him again, he… he feels…

He feels Mondo pull him close… the biker’s arms around him, warm and secure, pulling his head to a warm, broad chest. Taka doesn’t know what to think as this occurs, doesn’t know what is expected of him, but he can feel some of the pressure inside of him fade as he allows himself to go easily into Mondo’s arms, the steady thumping of his kyoudai’s heartbeat more soothing than words can say.

“Kyoudai… shit, man. Y’ain’t gotta apologize fer that shit, okay? I don’t need ya ta apologize fer that kinda shit. Y’ain’t always gotta apologize. My fucked-up bullshit ain’t yer problem, man. Neither is my fuckin’ guilt. I hurt you, Kiyo. I should feel some guilt fer that shit, even if ya do fergive me. Yer too fuckin’ fergivin’, man. I… shit…”

Taka says nothing as he buries his face in Mondo’s chest, his breathing more ragged than it likely should be. He can feel Mondo’s hands rub soothing circles on his back, and it makes him simultaneously feel better and worse. Silence descends around them after that, the only sound Taka’s soft sniffling and Mondo’s quiet breathing. It’s… it’s oddly peaceful…

Before long, Taka feels okay enough to pull his face back from the nest he’d made on Mondo’s chest, though he doesn’t remove himself from Mondo’s arms, not… not wanting to leave the warm embrace just yet… and while part of him wants to ignore the conversation they just had and continue on without ever talking about this stuff again, he… he doesn’t want Mondo to think he’s upset with him, or that he doesn’t actually forgive him, or… or anything like that…

“I… I understand, kyoudai, I just… y-you’re the first person to apologize to me, y-you know. For how you… how you treated me… but it- i-it’s unnecessary, kyoudai… you’ve proven through deed that you regret what you did, which is already more than what anyone else has ever done, so you… y-you don’t have to say it… I- I… I don’t want you to say it, I…”

Taka can feel the burning look Mondo is giving him, though he can’t bear to look Mondo head on to see the look himself. He can’t… h-he can’t…

“Ya deserve ta be apologized ta, Taka. Ya deserve ta have people acknowledge the shit they did ta ya. Ya… ya shouldn’t hafta blindly fergive people who can’t even be bothered ta say that shit, I… Taka…”

Taka bites his lip, shrugging stiffly, unsure how to explain what he means. God, is it hard…

“I… I know that, kyoudai. But… I- I don’t know. I- I don’t… I don’t like… h-hm. C-can we please stop talking about this? W-we still have some more homework to finish, I know you’ve not done our physics assignment… and I wanted to go over it to make sure I did it properly… M-Mondo… p-please…”

Taka can feel the burning look intensify, can feel his stomach squirming in response, and he wants so bad for this conversation to be over with already, to not have to keep talking about this, to just… j-just be done with this already, please… he’s forgiven Mondo, he has, he doesn’t know why the biker refuses to accept this, he… what more can he give, he doesn’t know, he just… just…

“I… shit. Fuck. I… yeah. Okay, Taka. If ya wanna move on an’ do our fuckin’ homework… okay,” Mondo mumbles, his tone clearly unhappy, but Taka can’t fix that. He… he doesn’t know how to fix that…

Instead, Taka nods stiffly and moves to grab his book bag that he keeps all his textbooks in, hating himself for his inability to be what Mondo needs him to be. He feels some regret at being forced to leave his kyoudai’s embrace to grab the book, but maybe… maybe it’s for the better…

An uneasy silence fills the room as the pair grabs their stuff and prepares to work on the assignment their teacher gave them. Taka had already finished the work a while ago (like he’d already finished the algebra work, though he’d pretended he hadn’t for Mondo’s sake), but it’s always good to practice! Practice… practice makes perfect…

However… before Taka can start talking about the assignment and explaining to Mondo roughly how it works (even though he’s not one hundred percent sure himself, he’s not the best at physics after all), Mondo… Mondo speaks again… oh, god…

“Hey. Taka. Know ya… ya wanna move the fuck on, an’ I’ll respect that shit, okay? I get that my apology made ya uncomfortable, an’… shit. If ya don’t like it, I won’t do it again, promise. But, Taka… know that I mean it when I say ya don’t deserve ta go through that shit. Okay? An’… an’ while I won’t try an’ do this kinda shit again, don’t wanna make ya upset… know that when I fuck up? I am sorry. An’ I… I will do everythin’ I fuckin’ can ta show ya how sorry I am. ‘Through deed,’ as ya put it. I may be a fuckin’ criminal biker, but I know when I fuck up. An’ I… I won’t make ya uncomfortable, Kiyo, but I ain’t gonna do nothin’ when I fuck up. So… I’ll just hafta show ya how sorry I am. I guess.”

The comment hurts Taka as badly as all the others, knowing he doesn’t deserve it, but he doesn’t say that. He just nods stiffly, eyes firmly on his textbook, waiting for Mondo to open his to the right page. Which— after a tense moment— Mondo does, the biker sighing softly again.

After that, Taka begins talking about the assignment, voice a little too shaky, but he does his best to explain everything the best he can. As time goes on, it gets easier to talk, Mondo chiming in here and there with his own comments on the work. It takes a while, almost half an hour, but by the time they finish the work, things between them are easy again. Taka’s smile is real, and Mondo’s eyes no longer hold the heaviness that Taka couldn’t help but notice. And that… that’s good. It’s… it’s good. Taka determines to forget this ever happened, not wanting to dwell on negative things that don’t matter.

However…

However, as he and Mondo are cleaning up, Taka having a meeting with his local Morals Committee that he’s been working on in his spare time… he feels the urge to say something. Not anything big, but just… something.

“Hey… Mondo?” Taka asks softly, fiddling with the bag strap he has hanging across his chest, eyes on the ground even though he knows how weak it makes him. He can feel Mondo’s curious gaze upon him, and it almost makes him lose his nerve entirely. God…

“Yeah? What’s up, kyoudai? Somethin’ the matter?”

Taka bites his lip, shrugging uncomfortably, not knowing how to say what he wants to say, but knowing he wants to say something. What a conundrum…

“N-no, nothing like that. I just… well. I wanted to thank you. For… for what you said earlier. I know I may not have seemed the most appreciative, but I… I did appreciate your words. Your… y-your apology. It’s just… I don’t need that, kyoudai. I really don’t. Having your friendship is enough for me. I promise you that it is, my dearest kyoudai. I promise.”

A pregnant silence fills the room this time, Mondo’s eyes heavy upon his person, and it makes Taka feel very uncomfortable, though he does his best not to fidget. He still can’t meet Mondo’s eyes, and he… he hopes that’s okay…

“Shit… yeah, I, uh… I get what ya mean. I… shit. I’ve never liked getting apologies either, ya know. Daiya, he… he’d apologize sometimes fer shit that wasn’t really his fault, or even shit that was, but I… I… shit. Never much liked it. So, I… I get it. But that don’t mean I don’t feel it, okay, Kiyo? Sorry fer hurtin’ ya. An’ if I ever hurt ya again, real bad, then I… I can’t promise I won’t try an’ apologize then. But unless that shit is big, I… I’ll try not ta do it. Okay? ‘Less ya tell me otherwise. That… that’s all I can offer, heh…”

Taka finds some hidden strength in him to look his kyoudai in the eye, a small half smile on his lips at Mondo’s words. While it may not make sense, he… he’s honestly glad Mondo promised that. He understands the importance of apologies and he thinks it’s good to apologize to people you’ve hurt. But he just… for himself, he… he doesn’t need that. He doesn’t really even want that. He just wants to move on and forget it ever happened, really.

“I… t-thank you, kyoudai. Thank you.”

After that, he and Mondo exit the room, the biker lifting a hand to wave goodbye as Taka heads to the location that his Morals Committee meets. So far, it’s only him, a couple reserve students, and one staff member, but that’s okay! Taka has started Morals Committees with less people before, and they clearly did well enough that it got him here, didn’t they? So, he’s not bothered by it. All he needs is time, effort, and dedication!

With that… anything is possible.

~~~~~

(In case anyone is confused, Taka’s problem with apologies is that they embarrass him. He doesn’t think he deserves to be apologized to, nor has he ever been apologized to before by anyone, so having Mondo apologize makes him very uncomfortable. I have a similar problem, though I’m not that bad with it, ha. I also put it to kind of explain why Mondo doesn’t apologize that much later in the story. Maybe it’s a bit of a cop out, but eh. It’s something, and I hope y’all like it.)

#Danganronpa #Kiyotaka Ishimaru #Mondo Owada #Kiyotaka Ishimaru POV #Danganronpa fanfiction #My fanfic #TPWP #TPWP mini

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dessarious · 4 years

Text

Guilt and Consequences Pt3

Okay, so I am still working on my other stories I just haven’t been able to get much down. I’m working a crap ton of overtime at the moment and I’m just fried when I get home. I’d say hopefully I’ll be more productive on the weekends but right now I’m working Saturdays and and Sundays are becoming catch up on sleep days. So sorry for the delays, but I’ll try to get back into a headspace where I don’t just want to pass out whenever I’m not at work. Oh and I think I got everyone tagged who asked but let me know if I didn’t or you want to be added.

AO3 Beginning Previous Next

The silence stretched on and Lila could only sit there. She knew the others were likely staring at her. Wondering what she’d done to make her mother react like that. She just wished she had an answer for them. Even before everything with the schools they’d never been close. Her mother pretty much only talked to her to tell her what she needed to improve. As the atmosphere became more and more uncomfortable Lila finally broke the silence.

“So… would you consider that a yes or a no?” More silence before M. Dupain cleared his throat.

“Marinette why don’t you go with Lila to pack an overnight bag? We’ll get dinner and some treats started. Is there anything you can’t eat or something you’d like to have?” It took her a moment to realize that last part was aimed at her. When she managed to look up his expression matched the gentle tone of his voice and she just got even more confused.

“No sir. I’m not picky.” Her mother rarely made it home to eat with her and even then it was always take out. She’d gotten used to left overs or eating whatever random things were in the house.

“Make sure to pack all your medications as well.” Madam Cheng’s voice sounded a little strange but when Lila managed to look up at her she wasn’t glaring and she didn’t look annoyed. She was definitely more stiff than she’d been before though.

“It’s okay if you don’t want me here anymore. I get it. Even offering is more than most people would have done in your situation.” She still had no idea why they did either. After everything that had happened to their daughter because of her they should be throwing her out, at the very least. The woman’s expression turned to one of motherly concern and it honestly made her more nervous. She couldn’t remember the last time someone had aimed that kind of look at her.

“You’re welcome here, anytime you need somewhere to go, as long as you stop all this lying. There are better ways to deal with your problems.” Lila could only hang her head and mumble another apology. While she agreed that the lying in this situation wasn’t a good idea, it normally didn’t backfire like this and she had tried other things first. Maybe it was different for other people. She heard the woman let out a frustrated sigh. “You two go on, we’ve got to finish closing up the bakery before we start on dinner.” She let Marinette pull her out of her seat and down the stairs. She was still too busy trying to understand what was happening to even consider arguing.

“Did your mom really put you on medication just to keep you in school?” She glanced at Marinette. There was no accusation in the question. More like she just couldn’t understand how someone could do something like that.

“Yes but I don’t take it. Well, except one of the anxiety meds every once in a while when I can’t sleep. As she said on the phone, she thinks I should be responsible for myself so she just assumes I’m actually taking them.” She hadn’t understood at first why her mother would work so hard to get the meds and then not bother to monitor their use. She’d come to the conclusion it was so that when the school finally called about her ‘behavioral’ issues she would have a paper trail to be able to sell them on the fact that Lila was just sick and needed special accommodations. That or she really didn’t think Lila would disobey her on this.

When they got to the apartment building Lila wasn’t really paying attention. She heard something that sounded like a cough but kept walking towards the elevator until Marinette tugged on her sleeve. When she looked over at the other girl Marinette motioned to the side and Lila saw three rather annoyed looking staff members.

“Guests have to be signed in.” She blinked at the woman who spoke, not really processing the words.

“I’m sorry, what?” The woman just rolled her eyes.

“This is a high security building Mlle. Rossi. All guests have to be signed in.” Oh, right. She vaguely remembered something about that from when they’d first moved in. She just had never actually brought someone home before.

“Sorry, I forgot. Umm… how exactly do I do that?” The woman just looked exasperated now, but the man behind the desk offered a smile and motioned them over. There was a clipboard on the desk and he handed her a pen.

“You just need to put your name, apartment number, and your guests name.” He pointed to each column in turn . She filled them out as he asked and handed the pen back. “Thank you Mlle. Rossi, have a nice day.”

“Thank you, you as well.” She could still see the disapproving look on the woman’s face as they continued to the elevator and couldn’t help but wonder how she still had a job if this was how she normally treated tennants. Personally she couldn’t remember any of the staff and didn’t really interact with them. Generally once she was in the building it was a habit to keep her head down and get to her room as quickly as possible. She’d found that the less interaction she had with people the fewer things her mother had to lecture her about. Her social interactions were always lacking in some way and she could never be certain what her mother would latch onto.

When they entered the apartment Lila noticed Marinette frowning as she looked around. She couldn’t really blame her after seeing her house. The apartment was clean bordering on sterile due to the service her mother had come in daily. There weren’t any personal touches either. No pictures, no nicknacks, nothing that said people actually lived here. She didn’t really think about it. It had been this way as long as she could remember.

“Your place is nice…” Lila actually grinned as she watched Marinette try to come up with something good to say about it. “Lot’s of natural light.” Lila let out a snort of amusement. The girl was the essence of cheerful and that was all she could come up with. It was a bit sad really.

“My room’s this way.” When they entered Marinette perked up immediately. Lila could only assume it was due to all the pictures on the walls since it was the only real difference between here and the rest of the house.

“Wow, these are amazing! Do you collect them?”

“They’re not that good. Just pictures I’ve taken to remember where I’ve been.” She liked taking pictures, especially of nature. She found it soothing and having something to look back on made her feel a little less disconnected. Marinette was staring at her in what looked like awe.

“You took all these?” Lila just nodded. “These are amazing! I’ve seen professional photographers whose work doesn’t look this good.” Even knowing Marinette was just being nice, Lila couldn’t help but bask in the complement for a moment. But only for a moment.

“So what exactly should I be packing? I’ve never done the whole sleepover thing before.” Suddenly Marinette was looking at her like she’d kicked a puppy and she couldn’t figure out why.

“You’ve never had a sleepover? Ever?” Lila just shook her head. Wasn’t that what she’d just said? “Oh my gosh! We have so much to make up for. Obscene amounts of junk food and games and movies and makeovers and ghost stories and-” She just kept going. Lila had no idea what she was rambling about and it didn’t answer her question at all. Marinette finally paused to take a breath and she was able to break in.

“Okay, but what should I actually pack?” Marinette paused to think it over. The expression on her face seemed far too serious for such a common question.

“Your most comfy pajamas, whatever you want to wear tomorrow, and a toothbrush. I’ll take care of everything else.” Well that sounded slightly ominous. Regardless, she packed what she was told along with all her medications. Dumping those in the bag got a strange look from Marinette, but she wasn’t certain why. Maybe it was just how many there were. In less than ten minutes they were back out on the street, headed towards the bakery.

“Lila!”

“Shit.” She said the word under her breath as she looked behind her. Of course it would be Alya. They’d been on the street less than five minutes, only her luck could be that bad. She tried to use her body to block Marinette but she wasn’t quick enough. Alya’s expresion turned sour as she tried to reach around Lila.

“I thought we made it clear that we wouldn’t tolerate you bullying Lila anymore!” Lila grabbed the girls wrist before she could grab or slap Marinette. That stunned her enough to let Marinette get some space.

“You touch her again I’ll break the offending appendage.” Lila didn’t recognize her own voice in that deep threatening tone, but Alya just rolled her eyes.

“This is why we didn’t tell you what we were doing. You’re too nice and let people like her get away with anything.” She wanted so badly to just slap some sense into the girl but honestly she didn’t think it would work.

“I’m not nice, and you’ll find out exactly how not nice if you don’t stop harassing Marinette.”

“But if we don’t do something she’ll just keep bullying you!” Lila could only sigh. How many times was she going to have to have this conversation.

“Marinette is not now, nor has she ever bullied me. Which I already told you.” Alya let out a patient sigh, like she was explaining something simple to a small child. Yeah, someone was going to get hit before this conversation was over.

“She’s constantly calling you a liar and trying to turn everyone against you. Why would she do that?” Yep, the kindergarten teacher tone was definitely a good way to piss her off. Lila, of course, defaulted to sarcasm.

“Oh gee, I don’t know maybe because I was lying?” Alya looked like she was about to argue but Lila just kept going. “If you had bothered to look up literally anything I said you would know that.”

“An absence of proof is not proof of absence.” It took a minute for the words to penetrate as Lila was just getting even more annoyed by Alya’s self righteous tone but when they did she had to stop herself from lunging at her.

“Are you saying that you looked up my claims, found absolutely no proof and still took my word over Marinette’s?” Her voice was soft, more because her throat felt like it was closed in rage than anything else.

“There wasn’t any proof that you were lying either.” Alya’s smug tone finally snapped something inside her.

“Have you lost your damn mind?! Jagged stone has said in multiple interviews that he doesn’t even like cats. And in what universe would my mother’s PR team not have it in the news that I do charity work? She’s a public figure Alya, anything that can make her look good would have press releases for days. That in and of itself proves that I was lying.” The girl seemed to ponder this for a moment before she sent a glare to Marinette.

“What did you threaten her with to make her agree with you?” Knowing that she’d been right about who Alya would blame for this was a small consolation.

“Lila you need to calm down.” Marinette’s voice was soft, soothing even but she was in no mood to pay attention.

“I will not calm down! This wanna be reporter couldn’t find the truth if she fell into a river of it. You should consider a career in fiction by the way since anyone with journalistic integrity will simply laugh you out the door.” Alya was still glaring at Marinette, like all this was her fault. What was wrong with people? Marinette actually grabbed her arms and forced Lila to face her.

“Please. You really need to calm down. Just breathe with me okay? You don’t want to get Akumatized again.” Those words acted like ice water. Yes, this was beyond stupid, but it wasn’t worth that. She calmed her breathing as Marinette asked but made sure to keep a line of sight on Alya as well. There was no telling what someone like her would do at this point.

“We should head back to your house, your parents will start to worry.” She had no idea if that was true or not but she hoped it would get Alya to back off. Pretty much everyone agreed that Marinette’s parents were great people, but they were also scared shitless at the thought of pissing them off. After their talk earlier she understood why. It did the trick too. Alya mumbled something about finding out what kind of dirt Marinette had on her so Lila could stop pretending she’d been lying as she left at a brisk walk. She’d read about willful ignorance but she’d never expected to encounter it to this degree. She was starting to hope it did have something to do with Hawkmoth, but considering some of the things people were willing to believe she wasn’t very optimistic.

AO3 Beginning Previous Next

Ko-Fi

Tag List

@readeracctagmepls @aestheticnpoetic @akana-sama @schrodingers25 @runestarchild @paradoxal-occurance @heaven428 @animegirlweeb @deepestobservationwombat @iggy-of-fans @yin-390 @thehufflepuffranger-blog @trippingovermyfeet @misslenamooney

#miraculous ladybug #marinette dupen chang #lila rossi #lila redemption #ooc #salt

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physicistdyke · 4 years

Text

Transed his own Gender

Dr. Harold P. Coomer is trans, he's worked his whole academic career to make his body just how he wanted it. Now, at age 46, he finally has an opportunity with his work at Black Mesa to get bottom surgery. But his colleague and friend Dr Bubby, who doesn’t know anything about gender besides the strict hetero-normative and patriarchal culture of STEM, objects to the new and risky procedure while questioning Coomers desires to put his own safety at risk all for a silly gen-dar.

rb >> likes!

Link to ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25611880

or read under cut

It was both viciously empowering and crumbled him to the core. He had a power over his own body, rare for the here and now in this space and time. Harold had felt this way many times before, an advantage that should be a right. He could relieve his own suffering, but at what cost? The lingering thoughts would stick with him, latching on like a parasite, a cancer. A hand on his shoulder brought him back into his body, a body he’s worked so hard for. He turned back to see his colleague, stoic in expression. Dr Bubby was not good at expressing emotions in a conventional manner, but other characteristics helped to convey what his face could not. Right now the pressure he was applying with his hand on Coomer’s shoulder mixed with how he avoided eye contact told Coomer that Bubby was afraid. Bubby was afraid for Coomer. “Are you sure you want to go through with this?” Bubby started. Coomer was about to reply, but Bubby’s own racing mind cut him off. “It’s a very experimental procedure you know, I was reading over the cybernetics reports-“ “Please Bubby,” Coomer turned and looked up at him straight on, he saw worry in his friend’s eyes, “I am fully aware of what I’m doing, I have done just as much research as you.” He said these words with confidence. He didn’t want to hurt his friends feelings more, but sometimes Bubby’s ego got the best of him. Bubby took a step back from the other man, as if the eye contact burned him. Harold was one of the few people Bubby could look in the eyes without that feeling, but now it felt like the island of experience between them was distant. He averted his gaze back to a corner of the room, reconsidering his own words and constructing a sentence most logical for the situation. “I just don’t understand your desire to keep going forward with this, you’re already well respected enough.” *** ____________________________________

This would be Coomer’s first procedure since he had met Bubby. The most recent before that was the operation on his chest, he had snagged that opportunity while working on his post doctorate. That was an experimental procedure at the time too, but Coomer’s endless tap of kindness and intelligence had been able to convince his friends in the medical department and their higher ups that this was an ethically sound decision. Even though Coomer himself never wished to study human anatomy, much preferring engineering and physics to biology, the circumstances of his life pushed him to learn more then he wanted to know. This study began the second he got to college, an unaware and afraid young man, he used his own body as test subject. Mixing concoctions that transformed his body and mind. By the time he was applying for his masters, he was a new man. All the insecurity and anxiousness of his younger years behind him, he now shone like the star he was. From there he made incremental and bolder steps in the process of his transition; first with the top surgery as mentioned before, and now, at the age of 46, he was arranging what would hopefully be his final procedure. Black Mesa did a lot of things, and apparently mechanical prosthetics was now one of them. The new cybernetics department had already made wondrous strides in terms of arms and legs, restoring ability to those in their ranks that needed it. These semi-mechanical, semi-flesh prosthetics fascinated Dr. Coomer to no end. About 8 months ago he had started wandering into the department more often. Finding himself asking passing questions to colleagues, asking questions from a genuine place in the heart. Dr. Coomer was open to talk about his experiences as a trans man, but a majority of his peers were always too uncomfortable to ask. They saw it as an oddity within a good man, he saw it as something that helped make him the good man he was today. The gap in that understanding stung Coomer sometimes, and the feeling of isolation sometimes crept up on him. But his smile and the passion for his studies often helped to bring him away from that space. It was about 2 months ago when he picked out a particular team within the cybernetics department, and started to have more serious conversations with them. From a scientific perspective, everyone involved was enthralled by the prospect. Combine that with Coomer's consistent fascination, confidence, and consent, they were fast approaching a place where action could be taken. _____________________________________

Bubby had noticed his friend's increased absence from their own department. Missing from collaboration meetings, not in his office or nearest break room for their usual chit chat. Coomer was an unlikely but much appreciated friend to Bubby. They had met about 10 years prior, when Bubby was nearly done the process of being titled 'a successful prototype'. Coomer was an unexpected ray of sunshine in Bubby's life. Showing him a kindness and understanding Bubby never had the luxury to live with. Being regarded as a test subject and experiment your whole life does that to you. ____________________________________

Bubby didn't know what being trans meant when Coomer first brought it up with him. Bubby, in reality, didn't even know what gender meant. He had a vague grasp on the fact that gender existed. The knowledge tubes his creators attached to him all those years ago mostly skipped out on all topics of liberal arts, humanity, sociology, etc, except for the most minimum required for him to be a somewhat functioning social life form. But what Dr Bubby lacked in those nuanced interactions and social rules, he well made up for in his ability to observe and form logical conclusions (according to his own account). He was aware of the fact that some people were referred to differently. Out of Black Mesas staff, a small minority were referred to as ‘she’. This group had a tendency to dress different from the rest of the staff, occasionally donning skirts and dresses, and varying from person to person on pigment applied to the face. Bubby viewed these people as his equal (or more so equally below him as the rest of his male co-workers, as he was still an egotistical jerk), but he couldn’t help but notice the trends surrounding this group. Bubby heard the back handed remarks, the passing jokes, the tone of superiority made by some of his male colleagues about the fairer sex. He saw the anxiety in his female colleagues when this attitude approached them. He noted the equal distribution of men to women in the ranks of visiting grad students and post docs, yet the stark lack of women in actual professional roles at Black Mesa. He saw the complacency in nearly all of his male colleagues regarding the generally accepted treatment words the ‘fairer sex’. Nearly all his male colleagues. Coomer and Bubby had been working together for a few years, and a friendship (or the closest thing to that someone could get to with Bubby) had started to really solidify. They were on lunch together, discussing the published panels from a recent convention on nuclear physics. Bubby was particularly fascinated in some newly publish findings on strange Beta decay experiments. He excitedly postulated the possibilities the results could mean for the future of the strong nuclear force. Dr Coomer was as supportive and thoughtful towards his friend as ever, but something else seemed to be occupying his thoughts. “Did you read over the notes from the panel on gender issues in STEM?” Dr. Coomer eventually interrupted when his lingering thoughts became too present. This caught Bubby off guard, but he quickly caught up with his colleagues present state of mind, “I didn’t because I saw it as trivial. I mean, it was a convention on nuclear physics, why waste time with trivial matters of progressing social etiquette?” Coomer furrowed his brow and Bubby realized he had perhaps chosen the wrong words, “Well Professor, if you had spent the time to read, you’d realize it was barely focusing on Progressing social etiquette at all. The man they chose to lead the panel was as backwards thinking about women’s role in science as the Pythagoreans were about irrational numbers.” Bubby shuffled in his chair with slight discomfort, he was never put up to the task of discussing matters like this, “Ah, yes. Well that is a shame. Pretty fucked up too… But I’m sure women will find a way to still contribute valuable findings.” “It’s difficult enough already, I’m sick of this two steps forwards one step back mentality.” Coomer was submerged in his own thoughts, barely acknowledging Bubby’s weak response. “Things have barely changed since my undergrad days. I’m lucky I managed to survive the few years I did in academia being perceived as a woman.” Bubby processed this as neatly and quickly as he could. Gender could be changed. ____________________________________

***“What do you mean by respect, Professor?” Dr. Coomer asked, cooling his own emotions. “You know what I mean, you’re already perceived as a man! You’re no longer are seen as a woman and you’re no longer discriminated against. I admire that you’ve figured out a way to jump the backwards system but-“ he was cut off by Coomer. “Bubby,” Coomer looked at his friend, trying to fathom what the hell had gone wrong in that ‘perfect’ brain of his. He finally gathered his thoughts, “I’m not, trans- because I wanted to be respected. I’m trans because I just am.” Bubby ruminated on his colleagues response, “Well fine, if not for the respect then it’s simply conformity! It makes complete sense Harold, science can be a real dog eat dog world. Anything that makes you separate from the norm is just a weight to be lifted.” “What the actual hell are you talking about professor” a tone of anger and disappointment filled Coomer’s voice, “This is some really problematic thinking you know.” Bubby gave a huff and deepened his gaze to the corner of the room, he mulled over his thoughts and tried to choose his words carefully. As much as he hated to admit it, he really knew very little about gender, but his drive to maintain the upper hand kept him from admitting that. He decided drawing from personal experience was the most logical argument to make, “I mean, that’s why I’m a man. I guess I just always assumed it was the same for you.” Coomer’s look of annoyance turned to one of intrigue, it was rare for Bubby to share his more personal thoughts and feelings. Coomer took this opportunity to prod his colleague, “Is that so Dr Bubby?”, he knew how to get Bubby in a more comfortable mindset, “Then tell me, do you feel like a man?”. “What the fuck is that suppose to mean?” Bubby sneered, “I don’t feel like a man, I just present like one. What the hell does feeling have to do with gender?” Coomer chuckled a little, realizing his friend wasn’t a complete bigot, just an idiot. “I say Dr. Bubby, it looks like your creators really didn’t connect any gender tubes to that brain of yours. Did they tell you the you were a man?” Bubby was feeling increasingly exposed and embarrassed but kept his composure. “Those bastards didn’t tell me anything! At least not directly. I popped out of the tube and they just started calling me ‘he’ and I just rolled with it. I thought that happened to everyone! Until I met you,” Bubby finally returned his gaze to Coomer. Slight tones of confusion, fear, and anger made up his expression, “I could tell that it sucked to be a woman, regardless of their extra freedom of expression with clothes and things like that. So it made sense to me that you changed your presentation to avoid the ridicule.” Coomer enjoyed pressing Bubby’s ‘think deeply about something other than science’ button, but refrained and decided to give some explanation. “Bubby, that really isn’t how gender works in the slightest! I mean for some people they’re content with what ever gender they were assigned at birth, but even then they have some sort of emotional attachment or sense of that gender. And for others, like me, they feel a stronger connection to some other gender and they make what ever adjustments feels right for them. With everyone it can be pretty fluid throughout their lifetimes, but it’s all very personal. What gender do you feel Bubby?” “I don’t feel like any fucking gender! I feel like a scientist, can’t I just be that?” Bubby tapped his foot and rolled the hem of his lab coat between his fingers. He was glad he was talking about this with Harold, but it still felt awkward as hell. “Of course you can Dr. Bubby!” Coomer beamed at his colleagues honesty, “Though I don’t think you could be considered trans though, you were assigned Scientist at Birth™.” Cooper laughed at his own joke, which in turn made Bubby relax and smile a bit himself. Coomer placed a hand on Bubby’s sholder, “Ah, but in all seriousness. It’s completely valid to not be a man or a woman. There are plenty of people like that! And it’s also ok to not have any gender at all! You can feel and express yourself however you want to Bubby, and at least I’ll be here to fully support you. I hope you’re willing to do the same for me.” Bubby looked to the side in a sheepish but calmer way, “Well, of course Harold. I guess I didn’t fully understand how much this meant to you. I’m, um, sorry for speaking over you about this.” A sorry from Bubby was a rare commodity. “It’s alright. You were worried about my well being and I’m grateful for that! You were miss informed and kind of stupid, but I’m glad you were willing to open up and have an honest conversation with me.” Bubby smiled and his gaze was finally able to align with Coomer’s again, the feeling of safety retuned and his anxieties took a back seat. “Well, if it’s alright with you, I’d love to help you and the cybernetics department in your research and development. Learn more about the cutting edge of gender confirming surgery and whatnot.” Coomer beamed at the support, “Ah! I’d be happy to include you in Project Black Mesa Super Shlong 3000! I can grab some of the blueprints we’ve been working on right now!” Coomer left Bubby’s office in an excited hurry and would return shortly. In that time Bubby reflected on the conversation. Not needing to be a man or a woman? Not needing any gender at all? That sounded really nice to Bubby. He still had a lot to learn about life outside of Black Mesa and the apparently fluid rules of gender, but he was glad he Coomer there to fill in the gaps.

#hlvrai #half life vr but the ai is self aware #coomer #dr coomer #bubby #dr bubby #bubby hlvrai #coomer hlvrai #this is a lil silly #Tried not to make it too angsty but also it has a lot of serious talk about gender identity #two fics in one year?#This is a new record #boomer #They're not explicitly dating but I gave their relationship the qualities of a real relationship so #Also don't dead brain come at me thinking I feel how bubby feels about gender #he's literally framed as wrong in his ideas but is shown compassion and capability to grow #like we all are

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coleyholts · 3 years

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The ER and the Operation

First off-Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. For obvious reasons, this post took a lot of time to put into words that were relatable.

Trigger Warning: Infant Injury. This is by far the worst part of the entire ordeal. I want the reader to know that none of this is exaggerated whatsoever, and it may be difficult to read. What happened in the ER and trauma center that day has truly changed me.

The glass doors parted in front of me to reveal a line of people waiting to get checked in. This was the first time I cried. They all quickly waved me up ahead of them once they saw that I had an obviously unconscious, super pale, vomit covered infant in my arms.

The helplessness set in when I was required to sign in like everyone else. It’s not like I expect special treatment, but my baby was dying and no one seemed to understand the urgency of the EMERGENCY. There were no nurses coming out to receive a trauma patient. There was no alarm. I stood there, alone, with my rapidly worsening baby, sobbing and screaming for help while dripping in her breakfast and lunch. At this point, she would wake up and pass out again in a vicious cycle. Over and over, I watched her light dim for what felt like an eternity. After what I would rationally estimate to be about seven minutes (48,369,526 years to a scared parent), they finally called us back.

Everyone was taking their time. I wondered if they thought I was being dramatic. Were they rolling their eyes and blaming my emotion on “New Parent Syndrome?” They were. I felt it.

It wasn’t until they FINALLY decided to run vitals that they discovered what I was trying to stress since I had entered the hospital. My daughter had something way more serious going on than any of us expected. We walked (very briskly) down the hall to get a better look at what was actually happening in her head. The tech and nurse cloaked me in protective gear so that I could stay with her. I gently stroked her toes (also known as de peets) as she woke up, cried in pain, and fell back into her trauma-induced sleep while they got all of the imagery they needed.

We were brought back to our room and had a brief moment alone. I held her so tight while I kissed her face and alternated holding her feet and hands. They were so cold. A nurse rushed up to our door, looked at me and said, “make sure to keep her as upright as possible.”

That’s when I knew there was a bleed in my baby’s head.

A team of nurses came in and told me that they were going to start an IV, which actually made me feel relieved to know she would be feeling better soon. This is when Daniel arrived, and being that he is the epitome of girl dad attitude, he understandably doesn’t like to watch her get stuck. He stuck his head in the room and immediately backed out when they tried to start the line. Unfortunately, we found out very quickly that she had no blood in her limbs whatsoever.

They stuck her over and over again just to find air bubbles, which means they were unable to administer any intravenous medication to replace fluids, relieve pain, stop her from fading in and out of consciousness, or do anything to prevent the blood pooling in Natasha’s skull. They decided that her condition was serious enough that she needed a line no matter what it took, which I agreed, which meant that they were going to use a legitimate power tool to drill into her shins to run a line into her bones. I consented and sobbed, knowing the pain my baby had already endured that day was going to be the start of much more, if she survived.

While this was going down, Daniel was right outside the door, unaware of the issues we were running into, he heard a nurse at the nurses’ station ordering a helicopter for an infant, and that the “family wasn’t aware yet.” My husband is a strong, supportive man that is a fixer. If he cannot fix a problem, he expresses himself with (verbal) anger. He comes into the room and says very abruptly to the nurse, “You’re flying her out?! Why?!” to which the male nurse responded, “because there's something seriously wrong and it needs to be fixed.” I saw him escalating with anxiety so I assured him that they were just having a little trouble getting the line in and he returned to the hallway to start the wait for the doctor who was going to tell us what the hell was actually happening to our baby.

When she arrived, the doctor came in with Daniel. She told us that Natasha had fractured her skull, and along with potential brain damage and hemorrhage, we were also concerned about blood loss, as her supply was pooling in her head. The only way to save her life was to get her to INOVA Children’s Hospital for an emergency surgery, on a helicopter that I was not allowed to accompany her on.

Alone with my baby and the nurses, I was so upset. My sweet girl was in so much pain. I made eye contact with a nurse and while sobbing, begged her to please administer anything whatsoever to ease the headache and all of the needle sticks-not to mention the drill. For the first time, someone heard me. She RAN into the hall and managed to bring back Versed, which can be administered nasally to relax muscles and calm the patient. I am given the same drug when I get my back injections, so I was relieved. It also prevents the patient from remembering everything, when administered in proper dosage. It helped Natasha’s discomfort immediately. They gave her the numbing shots in her legs, and while she was dozing and truly unaware of my presence, I stepped into the hallway.

This was the first time since the CT scan that she wasn’t in my arms. This time was different. We knew the severity of the injury and she was being cared for by the entire trauma team of 7+ people. I took one step out of the room, one step to the left, and planted my butt on the wall and hands on my knees for stability while I hung my head in complete disbelief. How could this happen? I opened my eyes and saw my clothing, dripping in her vomit. I can still smell the banana berry baby food she ate without hesitation two hours earlier. I screamed and sobbed as my muscles locked up in my legs and chest, then I felt someone put their hands on me.

I was literally picked up and supported while I shakily stood, completely losing my mind over the guilt and hatred I felt for myself. The drilling began and I let out a sound I didn’t know I could make, while I was held tighter than I’d ever been. I pulled back, just for a second, to look into the eyes of my soulmate and all I could say was, “I’m so sorry.” Daniel pulled me back in, kissed my face, wiped my tears (which really didn’t do anything considering they just kept coming, but the gesture was so kind), and proceeded to tell me that it wasn’t my fault, and that he loves me and he loves that I am his daughter’s mother. In that moment, his anger subsided and he moved to a different headspace. That small exchange is burned into my heart forever and I have never been so incredibly thankful to be his wife.

They helicopter team arrived and they were still unable to get a steady line going. According to their transport regulations, a patient transported by air has to be hooked up to an IV as well as intubated. Time was ticking and my baby was visibly fading. While still in the hallway, we were met by some medical coordinator who was trying to arrange a ride for us while she was in the air. I don’t know how he was able, but after insisting over and over, they let us go. They finally put an IV in my baby’s forehead; there was no other way. They were discreet and covered it but I know what an IV mark looks like after the fact. They could not get her intubated and save her so that (very brave) helicopter team took a huge risk that ultimately got her to INOVA by deciding to take her anyway. WE kissed her goodbye while sobbing and told her how much we loved her. The thought of her dying in flight weighed on us heavily, so we took off as soon as they wheeled her out.

The ride there was crazy. I had no thoughts and all the thoughts going through my head. My heart was nauseous. I set a quick group text to my immediate family. We saw the helicopter fly over us and it was a sigh of relief-knowing we were FLYING down the highway but she would be there faster.

We pulled up to the ER/Trauma Center. I got out and ran in. All I could get out was “Natasha” until they asked my relation and I somehow got out, “my baby...” They valeted the car so Daniel could be with us. They were rushing to get her into surgery. They brought us into the trauma room (families usually aren’t permitted there but there was no time) and pulled up some waiver and permission forms. They briefly explained the surgery, we signed, then it was GO TIME.

We stepped out of the room as the table with my baby strapped to it-full of wires and tubes-flew out of the trauma room. The anesthesiologist made brief eye contact with me, halted the team, and said, “Let her kiss her baby.” He knew she could easily not make it through this surgery. Daniel kissed her and loved her for a few seconds and backed away with teary eyes. I laid my forehead against her cheek. I sobbed and screamed. I kissed her over and over as my tears soaked us. I told her I was so so sorry and that I loved her so much. I wished it was me.

They took her away then. The team saw my raw sorrow. I got a very quick but kind pat on the back and they took off.

We were met by a social worker who brought us to a private room where we could chat and have some water. Of course, we were asked all the suspected child abuse questions, but they got the idea pretty quickly that this was a freak accident.

After the interview, we were brought to a huge waiting room that must have been filled with 100+ seats. We found a spot and the social worker left us. We sat for a moment, touching hands. They we both had to cry, then stand, then pace... The wait took forever, even more so not knowing if she was even going to live.

My brother, Jason works out that way and asked us if we needed anything right at that moment. I was wearing a paper shirt provided by a nurse, so we gave him a small list and he stopped by. He and Daniel stepped out for some fresh air while I sat breathing deeply and trying not to worry myself into another panic episode. Then, an actual angel emerged from the hospital doors.

Dr. Leon Moores, a pediatric neurosurgeon at Pediatric Specialists of Virginia performed the emergency surgery. I called for Daniel as Dr. Moores hugged me so tightly. I didn’t know if this was a good or bad hug yet.

Daniel and Jason walked (ran) back in and sat with us to hear the outcome. He told us that he was able to remove a blood clot the size of his fist from Natsha’s skull and that her vitals were wonderful. So she had 100% survived the surgery. Next was about brain damage, and by some miracle, her brain remained unharmed. Dr. Moores saved my baby.

While they were getting her settled into the PICU, Jason took us to Target to get some clothes and snacks. We had no idea how long this journey was going to be. We got back to the hospital, gave gigantic hugs, and went up to see our baby as she woke up.

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legendoftheghost · 4 years

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NSFW Headcanon: Jin Sakai

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

Jin believes practicing aftercare will naturally develop closer, more intimate bonds with his partner. After sex, he is particularly vulnerable; they’re naked, they have (hopefully) just had an orgasm, and one of the most intrinsic need for him is that need to ensure that positive state of mind continues. Everyone feels good when he knows his partner cares for him, and what better way to show it than tending to his partner when they both are in a vulnerable post-sex state of mind? Jin is especially susceptible to the post-coital blues, and even when he is seemingly highly independent, somewhat repressed and distanced with expressing emotions, I think this will be the perfect time for him to take a plunge and attempt to cuddle and engage in deeper conversations.

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

His entirety? Despite his fears of failure and flaws on his body, Jin Sakai is a man comfortable in his skin. From the crown of his head to the end of his toe, Jin Sakai has a body of a seasoned warrior; as a disciplined samurai, he had learned not only martial arts, but swordsmanship, horse riding, hunting, how to survive in the wilderness with bare essentials, and he literally has zero ounce of excessive fat on his body.

He’s not the strongest, biggest warrior, a powerhouse who can dominate and overwhelm enemies with brute strength, but he’s compact, sculpted with enough muscle definition, and corded with lean strength that only comes from meticulous care. Younger Jin used to hate the scar that would continue to bleed and bruise due to excessive bullying, but now that he is the Ghost, he thinks it only gives him character. After all, scars build character. And out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars, and Jin Sakai is a prime example of one.

Jin isn’t very particular when it comes to his partner’s favorite body part, but if his partner has anything that contrasts Jin’s own, he would obsess over that and touch him/her over and over. It could be the sensuous curve of the woman’s narrow waistand widening hips, the budding swell of her breasts and slender neck, or another man’s expansive chest and strong arms and legs embracing and cradling him.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

He doesn’t like the mess, and would prefer if he came inside his partner, but the one thing he finds it extremely appealing is coming on his partner’s stomach.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Jin loves talking about sex with partners, friends, whoever. To him, sex in essentiality is a fascinating subject that's different for each individual yet common to people all (in some way), and he finds it endlessly depressing that it's a taboo subject.everybody (for the most part) needs sex and wants to have sex, so Jin believes that people should be able to talk about it openly, and he will sass and awkwardly joke and humor with insinuations of sex in normal conversations.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

He snuck into Clan Sakai and Shimura’s personal archive / library and would sneak in some erotic illustrations of the time in curiosity. Despite the general lack of experience and focusing on his strenuous trainings, he would have fulfilled some curiosity of sexual exploration through masturbation and through secretive excursions with Ryuzo.

F = Favorite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

His preferred positions are; The Victory position, Doggy Style, Shoulder Hold, Lifted Missionary, and Lotus

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

Appearing too serious is Jin Sakai’s greatest flaw; being too serious which is Jin’s principal trait doesn't seem like such a bad thing, but it could create some issues regarding sexual explorations.

Social anxiety.

Perfectionism.

Social awkwardness.

Fight or Flight responses to most things (Can't laugh inconveniences off or smoothly escape conflicts because of over seriousness, which is likely to do the opposite, in other words escalate minor conflicts to big ones).

Overthinking and not living in the moment.

Not having fun due to exaggerated thinking about the consequences.

Jin may be a sassmaster and likes to throw in some dry humor in between, but that’s his coping mechanism to lesson and ease his insecurity and stress that stems from even the sexual act itself, but in the act, he’s deadpan serious.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

Judging by the full thatch of his beard, I’d like to think that he’s pretty thick and ample down there as well, peppered with hair below his belly button, and a nice, sizable thatch of his pubic hair.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

Jin does crave intimacy during sex, and this is something which becomes very important to him. Jin is at his most vulnerable, candor, raw, and open, and if it’s not a casual sex only to fulfill the needs to get off than anything else, Jin still needs and wants to build some sort of friendship or connection beforehand. Their sexual performance is then more about action than it is about emotions and deeper layers of intimacy, and with more deeply-connected intimacy, he would rather focus on both the physical and mental connection, which could make it much difficult to come with him. Regardless, he is tender, and will attempt to initiate; especially stroking his partner’s back, the side of his/her face, raking through his/her hair, etc.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

Jin likes the stop-squeeze technique, which is a form of ejaculatory control. It allows him to near the point of climax and then back off suddenly by holding the tip of the penis until the sensation subsides. He likes to do this multiple times to make his orgasm much more intense. While it could be a tedious or time-consuming practice, he likes that explosiveness and exquisite high he gets from it.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Shibari (kinbaku), aka rope sex: Contrasts are central to Shibari: intricate geometric patterns with the natural curves of the body, rough rope against soft skin and vulnerability side by side with strength. The practice can also lead to a trance-like experience for the tied partner and a rush of adrenalin for the artist, or rigger.

Erotic Asphyxiation (breath play): This type of sexual activity involves intentionally cutting off the air supply for you or your partner with choking, suffocating, and other acts. People who are into breath play say it can heighten sexual arousal and make orgasms more intense.

Dirty Talk: Jin can have a little trouble getting out of his own mind. However, in this case, it’s less about being able to connect to the body than it is a fear of letting go. A little dirty talk goes a long way in making him forget his fears and let loose.

L = Location (Favorite places to do the do)

Taking in consideration of his fugitive life, it would be somewhere relatively hidden and private. Especially in nature; against the tree trunk, near the lake or an ocean when the weather accompanies Jin’s mood, and empty, abandoned houses.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

Jin is almost always turned on, and has higher than normal sex drive. He’s one of those who craves intimacy and wants to share himself with someone special, even though it doesn’t mean that he wouldn’t participate in any given opportunities when they are presented. It can feel like a chore and not really something he wants to waste their time or energy on if they cannot converse well to begin with. There must be underlying honesty and genuinity in order for Jin to at least partake in a casual sex.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Cockiness – specifically unwarranted arrogance accompanied by a smug attitude. Lack of a sense of humor – unless they’re the one dishing it out. Flaking – because flakes are some of the most unappealing individuals to build any type of relationship with. Being goalless and content with life — having zero aspirations for the future. Liars – but not even about significant stuff. Just unnecessary lies, made up stories and exaggerations when a fib is pointless. Vulgar language finding its way into every, single, sentence spoken. Baseless cattiness, malicious comments and disdain toward others. Humiliation and degradation. BDSM for BDSM’s sake without exploration, caution, and mutual respect.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

He’s much more inclined to receive than give. While Jin lacks the scope of experiences, he is skilled with his tongue, very attentive, considerate, and careful to observe his partner’s reaction. Because he is a perfectionist, he will attempt his absolute best to pleasure his partner and send him/her over the edge. He expects the same when he’s on the receiving end.

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

The act in itself is viewed essentially as a series of steps to his and his partner’s mutual satisfaction. It entirely depends on their shared needs. As a dominant top, Jin is likely to be a very passionate lover, focused on the connection he gains from this experience. He does appreciate and sees how much closer sex can bring him to someone he loves, and would rather be patient waiting for the right person to share this with, because for him to reach this step, it would have taken a lot of trial and error. He definitely likes things to built up towards the climax, exploring different positions to find their needs satisfied.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

Jin actually prefers quickie, because it offers a much-needed opportunity to relieve stress, strengthen a relationship, and get off at a time when intimacy, connection, and, well, time, are luxuries (especially with him on the run). Prefers mutual masturbations, than penetrative sex.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

Jin is likely to be a very passionate lover, focused on the connection he gains from this experience. He sees how much closer sex can bring him to someone he loves, and would rather be patient waiting for the right person to share this with. If he’s in a long-term relationship, he will be more than willing to experiment and take risks. It all depends on their shared interest, and Jin would be open to try everything at least once.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

From his strenuous training as not only as a samurai, but as the Ghost on the run, Jin has extremely high stamina and will be able to go on for more than a few rounds if his partner is up for it.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

Occasionally will use Geisha balls / beaded necklaces for added pleasure, mostly one another in reciprocated masturbations.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

He isn’t very good at teasing, unless it’s with words. He is rather straightforward with his actions, because he doesn’t like to deceive with his affectionate, tender touches.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

On the quiet side, and for most of the lovemaking, he will make soft, gentle moans that turn into animalistic grunt when he’s on the verge of orgasm.

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

Perhaps one of the simplest, yet most potent sexual fantasies Jin has is just having his partner direct the sex script for the night. Whether it's a full-on dominant or simply a partner who knows what he or she wants and how to get it, he finds the thrill of a confident and sexual partner to be very appealing.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

He is uncircumcised, his shaft is curved slightly upward, with veins that snake along the underside. His member is longer than average (around 13cm when erect) and has considerable girth (9 centimeters when erect).

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

Jin has rather active sex drive. It’s not a particularly powerful sex drive, for he could always resort to, and might prefer his own imaginations. His inner minds are rather rich place, and he doesn’t always feel like outwardly expressing this side of himself.

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

All depends on Jin’s condition on that day; judging on the Ghost’s life (on the run, essentially a fugitive ronin), and a slew of traumas and PTSD trailing his back, Jin Sakai suffers from insomnia. While he has high stamina and could go for more than a couple of rounds when he’s in a particularly frisky mood, but one intense round could have him knocked out exhausted. He’s a kind of a guy that sneaks in sleep whenever and however it comes, so he would let himself fade away for an hour or two, before he’s coaxed to awake.

#▬▬ι═══════ﺤ || the storm of clan sakai (headcanon)#(nsfw)#jin sakai #ghost of tsushima #(compiled into one large post)

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brightershadows · 3 years

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Euphorically Honest-- Euphoria, Teenagers, and the Realities in Hardship

OVERVIEW

Euphoria is brutally honest about the hardships of life. Focusing on the stories of a group of teenagers in modern-day California, it navigates through issues of drug addiction, sexuality, masculinity and femininity, violence, and depression. It can be tragic and liberating. But it is honest. Created by Sam Levinson, a screenwriter for Assassination Nation and The Wizard of Lies, the story reflects on his own experience with drug addiction as a teenager, as well as having a loose basis in an Israeli show of the same name (Stack, 2019). The story follows a group of young people of varying genders, ethnicities, classes, and sexualities, including the drug-addicted narrator Rue, new-to-the-suburbs Jules, Cassie, beautiful but easily manipulated, her kind and easy-going sister Lexi, Kat, who embraces her body type as she gains confidence through sex, Nate, a manipulative and dominating male with control issues, and his girlfriend, Maddy, who battles her self-identity and her reliance on Nate (Levinson, 2019). Euphoria can be seen as overly graphic, or critiqued as too sexual, but its mature nature allows it to unearth the ugly truths about life, living, and loving, and the beauty behind the hardships too.

EPISODE TWO REVIEW

In “Stuntin Like My Daddy,” Nate discovers his father’s sex tape collection at a very young age, videos of his father having sex with several people. This is where Nate’s disdain male sexual anatomy stems from. Nate quickly becomes infatuated with Maddy. Whether disturbing or romantic, he fantasizes about hurting or killing the person who dares harms her. A series of flashbacks from Rue’s summer shows her consuming various drugs and getting high, fighting with her mom, waking up in the hospital, and singing in the car with her mom and sister, highlighting what she has gone through as well as her relationship with her family. On several occasions, Rue relapses. Reluctantly and unable to say no, she takes a dose of fentanyl. Unaware of the consequences, Jules is called to take care of Rue. Their friendship further develops. Kat learns that an explicit video of her has been posted to a porn website. When the video’s view count continues to grow, Kat is intrigued and signs for a web cam streaming account. Obsessed with Maddy, Nate begins stalking Tyler, Maddy’s most recent hookup. Maddy, still wanting to get back together with Nate, tells him that she was blacked out and did not mean to do what she did. This causes Nate to believe that Tyler had raped Maddy. Furious, Nate breaks into Tyler’s apartment and beats him half to death. At the end of the episode, we learn that the guy Jules has been texting is named Tyler but it actually turns out to be Nate.

Nate Jacobs is the typical football jock, yet he exhibits anger, aggression, and sociopathic behavior. Rue Bennett struggles with her own psyche as she suffers from ADHD, bipolar, general anxiety, BPD (borderline personality disorder), and drug addiction. Jules Vaughan is unapologetically herself, although she seems to seek attention, approval, and sexual relationships from men who are undeserving of her. Maddy Perez is the popular cheerleader who knows she is attractive and she goes after what she wants. She stands up to everybody else except Nate. Kat Hernandez may seem like a side character, the fat best friend, at first, but she finds her confidence grows as an individual. Fez/Fezco is Rue’s main drug dealer. Although he supplies her, he also cares for Rue and does want her to get mixed up with a worst crowd.

Although there are people of color in the show, there could always be more representation of race. Rue and her sister, Gia, are mixed, with a Black mom and a white dad. Maddy is Latina as both of her parents are Latino. Kat Hernandez is also of Latin descent but we do not see much of her parents or family. Every other (main) character in this episode is white, this includes Nate, Jules, and Tyler. This show, and episode, is not particularly making any waves or strides with their representation of race. And with the representation of race that they do have, there is no portrayal of racial identity, culture, or heritage. Jules definitely stands out as she is a transgender woman. She is currently taking hormones and her father and closest friends accept her for who she is. Jules goes on to have sexual encounters with older men as well budding romances with boys her age. Nate is a stark contrast to Jules, with him being set in his heteronormative, gender binary ways. Most, if not all of the characters identify with the gender that they present. The males, Nate and Fez identity as male. The females, Rue, Kat, Jules, and Maddy identify as female. The main characters mainly fall into one of the two binary genders. All of the romantic or sexual relationship aspects in episode 2 revolve around a male and a female, such as Nate and Maddy, or Maddy and Tyler, or even Jules and her mysterious texter (a man). To my knowledge, there is no presence of a non-binary or agender character. Jules, a transgender woman, challenges Nate’s notion of the strict gender binary system.

Euphoria definitely relies on stereotypes because the writers of this show intend on having the characters break said stereotypes. Kat is initially insecure and self-conscious. After she has sex for the first time and the video of the act gets leaked, she redefines herself. Her sexuality blossoms throughout this show as she also begins to have casual sex which normalizing women having and enjoying sex. Kat becomes comfortable with herself by wearing clothes that are considered more edgy, outfits that she would have never worn before. Kat’s character breaks the sexuality stereotype because the media hardly ever sees a plus-sized woman be expressed in a sexually positive light, even though it may not have started out that way. Nate’s character is embodiment of the toxic, cis-gendered white masculinity. He describes the perfect girl as dressing more feminine, acting like a “proper lady,” and overall more “girly” as opposed to “tomboy.” Because he is so uncomfortable with the male sexual anatomy, and even disturbed by how comfortable others are, he may have some issues regarding internal homophobia. Nate does not really defy this stereotype, his character is the epitome of this stereotype. Maddy, a cisgender, heterosexual female, understands the delicate nature of the gender constructed society. She has prioritized Nate and his needs sexually by watching porn in order to mimic what the porn actress does so that she can please Nate. Her sexuality is rarely mentioned, it only rises in conjunction with other boys. Jules’ character as a transgender person challenges the conventional gender roles and constructs. Jules is very comfortable with herself and her sexuality and is proud of who she is.The concept of a non-binary gender system perplexes many people. With the current administration, transgender rights are not protected. In fact, transgender people are continued to be discriminated against. The Trump administration has played a major role in “withdrawing regulatory protections for transgender children in schools, fought recognition of transgender people under federal employment laws, banned transgender people from serving in the military, rolled back protections for transgender people in prisons, and threatened to cut off funding to schools that let transgender girls participate in sports” (Thoreson). Although Jules is able to be who she want to be and live the life that she wants, this may not be the case for many transgender people in the real world outside of the show.

Today people are often quick to criminalize or shun drug users and addicts. They are quick to judge and want the most severe punishment to be given. But medical professionals know that addiction is a very serious disease, one that requires “treatment, compassion, and support” (Siegel). Euphoria attempts to destigmatize and humanize addiction. The legal system should not be punishing people who have abused drugs by putting them into a jail cell where they are isolated from society, instead these people need real help through rehab and various treatments. Due to the fact that Rue had several relapses once she completed her rehab program, one may say that these programs do not work; however there is no singular timeline to get better. It may take weeks, months, or years, and the journey is difficult. But society cannot give up. Social and political reforms concerning drug use/abuse and addiction is very much needed.

EPISODE THREE REVIEW

In ' Made You Look,' Nate meets Jules on a gay dating app disguised as Shyguy118. Although Nate doesn't identify as gay, Jules reveals being transexual and quickly falls in love with Shyguy118, oblivious to his true identity as a classmate at the same school. Maddy becomes skeptical of Nate and searches through his phone and, in shock, learns of Nate's involvement with a gay dating app and nude sending with Jules. Jules's heightened obsession over the mysterious Shyguy118 leads Jules to agree to meet Nate for the first time in person near a lake at night. While all of this unfolds, Rue, who is Jules's supportive best friend, at first, entertains Jules's fantasies by helping Jules send pornographic images to Nate. However, tension arises when Rue exposes her worries for her best friend and undeniable attraction for her as more than just friends. Unfortunately, Jules did not reciprocate the kiss they shared. This sent Rue spiraling into a frenzy and falling back into the addictive habit of taking pills and getting high, undoing Rue's 60-day clean streak. Embarrassed, Rue runs straight back to Fezco, her drug dealer, in hopes to illegally obtain more drugs to numb the humiliation she felt. Fortunately, Fezco doesn't give in to Rue and shuts the door on her, leaving Rue to look toward Ali, an omniscient man she met at a therapy gathering for drug users to seek guidance.

Kat, a Tumblr fanfiction queen, masks herself while exploring her curiosity for explicit content and webcam streaming. She exposes herself to lingerie and twerking on her account; she agrees to perform a private camera meet with a man who falls in love with Kat's powerful and sexual dominatrix persona. Originally insecure with her weight, Kat eventually learns to embrace her curves and dives into a new and unusual world of femdom. This episode also introduces Cassie. She displays as a bold, open-minded party girl that isn't phased by frat party endeavors. McKay, Cassie's crush, invites her to his frat-hazing event, and they both fall deeply in love with each other, foreshadowing potential problems to come from concupiscence for one another.

This episode involves various races but is primarily white-dominant. Cassie is blonde and white, represented as audacious and open-minded. Maddy is a cis-gender Latina and, in this episode, victimized by Nate, a white playboy who cheats on Maddy. Rue and her sister are a mix from a black mom and a white dad. Despite various races represented, this episode minimally illustrates heritage background and racial and cultural distinctiveness. There are very minimal cultural representations and race diversity besides the racially represented individuals such as Rue, Maddy, Kat, Ali, and Fezco. Although the film is predominantly white race influenced, there is still a general race narration awareness displayed in the show.

Sexuality representation is a flourishing topic within each episode in Euphoria. Arguably one of the most influential characters in this episode, Rue, a lesbian half black teenager, finds herself falling in love with her openly transgender best friend. This tricky love triangle is demonstrated between Rue caring for Jules while she cares for Nate. Jules is head over heels for her classmate, Nate, who hasn't announced is gay but is chatting with Jules on a gay dating site. Moreover, Nate's girlfriend in this episode, Maddy, is only now beginning to question if Nate is straight like he demands he is.This episode centers around redirecting the audience's view of how a character's sexuality is initially perceived to how each character's sexuality is either nonchanging or questioned and altered due to more self-awareness. For example, Jules, from the beginning, identified as transgender and unchanging while Rue begins to question her sexuality and feelings for her friend after kissing her. Male, female, and non-binary characters speak and act quite differently in Euphoria. Male actors such as Nate, Ali, and Fezco are very much dominant and slightly manipulative in this episode. Nate is a controlling and manipulative character fueled by curiosity and confusion. Ali is a mysterious, omniscient figure who sees past Rue's addiction. Lastly, Fezco shuts Rue out when she almost dies from the drugs he gave her. The females include Maddy, Rue, Jules, Kat, and Cassie. Non-binary characters were not present in this episode; however, Nate being on a gay dating site and taking an interest in Jules knowing her being transgender urges the question of what Nate's sexuality may be.

Cassie, in this episode, played an essential role in breaking gender profiling stereotypes. When Cassie was at the weekend frat-hazing party with McKay, she stood up to the guys at the party and took a shot of water with a live goldfish in it without hesitation, while McKay was hesitant and wanted to reject the challenge. Cassie taking that shot was significant because she didn't abide by her gender role limitations. Instead, she proved that she could equally compete alongside the frat boys at the party.

Illegal drug use for underage teenagers is very much a political issue. The creator of Euphoria, Sam Levinson, opens up about his struggles with addiction growing up. He talks about how his personal history of drug use as a teenager animated Rue's similar struggles in Euphoria. It's essential to recognize that Rue was not using drugs because of peer pressure but because she was struggling with "obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), attention deficit disorder (ADD), general anxiety disorder, and even bipolar disorder" (Health, 2020). Many teens go undiagnosed with disorders like these and spend their teenage years fighting addiction and going to rehab centers, sometimes more than once in hopes of ending the addiction. There are other situations where undiagnosed individuals who don't fall victim to drug addiction still live a life of struggle with their mental illness. Euphoria sheds light on addiction and mental health and de-stigmatizes mental illness, a topic that should be further normalized and empathized with.

EPISODE SEVEN REVIEW

“The Trials and Tribulations of Trying to Pee While Depressed” tackles a lot of issues. In many ways, this episode is openly candid about the hardships of life and the modern influences of distraction and avoidance. The candor of this episode is heartbreaking, revelating, and so, so real. The episode before the season finale follows multiple characters, including Jules, a trans woman battling confusion about her relationship with her best friend and her changing life; Cassie, a beautiful blonde teenager facing an unplanned pregnancy; and Rue, a drug addicted teenager battling a major low in her depression (Levinson 2019). This episode follows many differing plots that do not intersect in its time; however, at the root of the 59 minutes is the juxtaposition of two teenagers, the structures of family, and the deconstruction of femininity.

As a whole, this show is unapologetically divergent from the stereotypes of society. It does not hesitate to tackle hard issues, easily addresses controversial issues regarding race, sexuality, and gender, without negating their seriousness. It makes normal the darkness we all battle in our private lives, especially in this episode. In it, characters from all walks of life get a say in the plot. Not only is the narrator and main character a gay Black women in love with her best friend, we also follow the story of Jules, a trans women, and hear from Cassie, a straight cisgender blonde girl who falls victim to the confines of the patriarchy, allowing herself to be sexualized and invalidated as a possession by the men in her life (Johnson, 2014). My only criticisms regarding this episode’s diversity is that there is little male influence or perspective on the storyline, and further, that there is little diversity outside of “black and white.” That is to say, while there are many Black characters given voice to this episode (and, by default many white characters as well), there is little representation of other ethnicities. We do not hear, for example, from the perspective of an Asian-American. That, to some extent, is an area that can be improved as the show continues.

Earlier I mentioned the juxtaposition at the core of this episode, and I want to dive a little deeper into that. Cassie and Rue are, in many regards, polar opposites. Rue is Black, gay, struggles with drug addiction and is a social outcast. Cassie, in comparison, is blonde and blue eyed, gorgeous, and popular. Rue is an older sister; Cassie is the younger in her family. But this juxtaposition highlights the conditions of the patriarchy that define familial dynamics, such as sisterhood and motherhood, both amplifying and deconstructing those norms. For example, at the end of the episode, Rue and Cassie both go to their moms, the caretakers, for help when they reach rock bottom. Those mothers show up, and they do their job: care. However, at the same time, these mothers have taken up the role of being the breadwinner for the family as well, defying the stereotype of reliance on the male for prosperity and survival. Rue’s mom, however, is portrayed as more successful and put-together than Cassie’s mother, whom we see to be an alcoholic and basically a hot mess. This is contrary to racial stereotypes that typically portray the black community as one falling apart and the white suburban mom as picture-perfect. The gender and racial norms that society and time have produced throughout our history in America are blurred as these two realities are expressed in this show (Scott, 1986).

This episode also attacks femininity. Speaking with her friends from the city, Jules, says, “In my head, it’s like if I can conquer men, I can conquer femininity” (Levinson, 2019). This conquering, or, as Jules later says, obliteration of femininity is addressed throughout the episode. Cassie, conforming to societal expectations, allows herself to be objectified and sexualized by all the men in her life, using that perception of beauty to define her over the course of her life. Rue, on the other hand, does not conform to femininity at all, as we see in the way she dresses, and even the persona of the masculine “detective” she took on in a manic state. These three approaches to femininity contrast each other, as each one represents a different sector of diversity: race, sexuality, and gender identity.

Euphoria is inherently political. It brings to light the reasons why the personal is political, especially in the midst of an election cycle where the rights of those who don’t conform to societal norms are under threat. This show creates an avenue for those rights and the real people behind those laws to speak and tell their own stories. Not only that, it represents mental illness and drug abuse, revealing the realities of living with these issues and bringing to light the struggles of the individual and their community through addiction and mental health crises. The show helps create empathy; empathy creates connection. And connection, more than anything else, is something we deeply need right now.

CITATIONS

Euphoria creator Sam Levinson on his controversial show: 'I hope it opens up a dialogue' [Interview by T. Stack]. (2019, June 16). Entertainment Weekly. Retrieved 2020, from https://ew.com/tv/2019/06/16/euphoria-creator-sam-levinson/.

Health, A. (2020). How HBO’s ‘Euphoria’ Depicts Teenage Drug Addiction Accurately. Retrieved 14 November 2020, from https://amhealth.com/2019/09/25/how-hbos-euphoria-depicts-teenage-drug-addiction-accurately/

Johnson, A. G. (2020). Patriarchy, the System: An It, Not a He, a Them, or an Us. In 1046495481 799935172 G. Kirk & 1046495482 799935172 M. Okazawa-Rey (Authors), Gendered Lives: Intersectional Perspectives (Seventh ed., pp. 62-70). New York, New York: Oxford University Press. (The Gender Knot: Unraveling Our Patriarchal Legacy, (2014))

Levinson, S. (Writer). (2019). Euphoria [Television series]. HBO.

Levinson, S. (Writer). (2019, June 23). Stuntin’ Like My Daddy [Television series episode] In Euphoria. HBO.

Levinson, S. (Writer). (2019, July 28). The Trials and Tribulations of Trying to Pee While Depressed [Television series episode]. In Euphoria. HBO.

Scott, J. (1986). Gender: A Useful Category of Historical Analysis. The American Historical Review. doi:10.1086/ahr/91.5.1053

Siegel, Z. (2019, August 06). Euphoria Doesn't Have a Drug Problem. Retrieved November 12, 2020, from https://www.vulture.com/2019/08/euphoria-hbo-drug-addiction-overdose.html

#euphoria #zendaya #GWSS assignment pleasedon'tjudge

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obeymematches · 4 years

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Hello! I hope you're not swarmed in all the matchup requests lol, but I have to say - they're great! I love how detailed they are and how much work and thought you put into them! It's admirable, to be honest.

But of course I came here for my own matchup lmao. I'm polyamorous so I'm okay with multiple matches (if you want to, ofc).

So, I'm an INTP, aesthetically edgy, nonbinary.... something, ig. I'm a retired weeb that became a kpop stannie and an e-girl/e-boy but I'm still very much a nerd when it comes to entertainment, like video games and stuff.

I've been told that I look intimidating ever since I was a kid and people tend to be lowkey scared of me at first - add to that the fact that I don't talk much with strangers and have a permanent murderous gaze. But once you force your way into befriending me I become a very loyal and chaotic middle school boy with a negative amount of braincells.

I used to be known as a cryptid - never took pictures, never left my room, so quiet you'd never know if I'm currently in the same room as you or not (my friends would call me irl Kuroko - yes, that even applied to when we played basketball in school). But then, one day I decided that I'm bored of being boring and turned into the loud, vulgar, hot friend (according to my friends, again) that you'd book a room with in a closed off apartment complex but then decided to get some kebabs at midnight and then had to climb over the fence once you got back because the gate man has already left for the night. That was not oddly specific at all.

I know that what I'm doing is usually dumb and dangerous and that's exactly why I do it. I'm dumb but I'm not an idiot, y'know? I also have problems with authority lmao. And while I love doing all the dumb stuff with my friends I'm extremely protective and always take the blow or make sure no one gets actually hurt. Self-sacrifice is a personality trait 😌💅✨ Also, I still have a crippling social anxiety but after mastering the art of dissociating I can go out in public!

I'm not a very affectionate person - I don't really like physical affection all that much. I'm cool with hugging, hand holding and cuddling but in moderation. I express my love towards those close to me by doing favours and helping them. You'll also know I like you and am comfortable when I stop with all the "uwu i love u ur so amazing" and start throwing (not genuine) insults around or bully you (affectionately). I'm also straight up emotionally constipated.

There's very few things in life that I take seriously and even less things that I care about in general. Because of that I can seem very apathetic and dishonest. That being said, I *do* have hobbies and interests (hyperfixations, actually), I don't have an artistic soul but I do a lot of different art (drawing, dancing, singing, rapping, makeup, fashion, etc.) - but my heart belongs to the world of linguistics.

I'm quiet pessimistic on the inside but I just implement it into the typical Gen-Z humor and ignore all my (often serious) problems. I prefer keeping a happy, funny, loud persona in front of others - I'm the distraction and mood maker!

I'd want my partner(s) to first and foremost - be my best friend(s). Someone who isn't very emotional and can solve problems with logic and in a calm manner. Someone who'll be happy with us just existing and vibing next to each other.

Also someone who'd wrestle with me. Or at least would let me throw them around a little, lol.

My faves are Levi, Belphie, Beel and Monie but I think I match with the first two better, imo.

Thank you in advance! Hope you're having a great day/night!

----

Hello!

Ahhh thank you for your kind words!!! >w

Okay so I think you are in fact a great match to each of your favourites for a different reason!

So in canon I don’t think there much info about their take on mono/poly relationships. Sure, besides Beel all of the other candidates are known to get jealous easily but like being poly is not cheating lol. I’m not sure if someone already made HCs about this but I think it would take so much time to convince Levi that theres not one, but two (or more) people who actually love him oh god. But I think the others mentioned above would be ok.

So I decided to match you with Mammon!

Okay so when it comes to aes I think you and Mammon would make a matching couple!

Mammon also plays games from time to time, so you could spend some time gaming together. He is surprisingly good at them! Obviously Levi could relate to your otaku past, but that is the past.

I think your intimidating exterior would probably give off Lucifer vibes to Mammon at first. This is not something to worry about though - Mammon has a tendency of stealing or using people (he’s not crushing on) + he also looks down on humans. (these are sometimes ignored in the fandom but it’s all canon) So sure he is definitely stronger than you, but I think he would be less likely to pick on you like that if you have a pretty but intimidating face.

He is also one of the more loyal demons, so you have a priority on the same spot!

I think he would definitely support your chaotic ideas and steal kebab with you at night. You would annoy his brothers a lot and he would get you into trouble very often! So be prepared for some lectures by Lucifer.

The fact that you self-sacrafice might end up getting you in danger but Mammon is also protective so it’s just the two of you protecting the other while doing someting silly.

Mamon definitely has many favors to ask for, so it’s nice that you don’t think of that as a turn-off! However make sure he doesn’t use you

His love language is giving gifts so in return you can expect him to get you something!

I think he likes affection but definitely not in public and he will deny wanting a hug from you with his life

Okay so the fact that you actually call out your friends when they are being unreasonable is something that comes in handy! Mammon gets bullied a lot by his brothers - sometimes there is no reason, but other times he is not innocent at all. So it would be nice if you could shape his personality a bit!

I definitely see him with a partner who cares about appearance, so you being into makeup and fashion is a good bonus! He wants to set you off on being a model after all

He is definitely outgoing so you being able to sing and dance are great additional points! He will definitely show you off at some bars so be prepared!

I don’t think he is very fond of linguistics as really the only thing that gets him going is cash. He would probably look up how to make the most out of being a linguistic and he will definitely have a conversation with you about his findings

You two could definitely hit it off as best friends first! I mean he will not confess early, being a tsundere and all.

Okay so Levi would be better at solving difficult situations logically as he is an admiral at the navy. However there is a reason why Mammon is the second strongest that gets overlooked sometimes! If an issue arises he has ideas to solve them! These are not always very great ideas and they might sound silly but most of the time they work!

Mammon is definitely the best candidate to play-fight out of the potential candidates!! I imagine him being much stronger than you and giving you a hard time but he is not a sadist at all so he will let you win at the end

#obey me #obey me!#swd obey me #obey me swd #obey me shall we date #obey me mammon #om! mammon #mammon obey me #mammon om!#obey me matchup #om mammon #submission

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mikauzoran · 4 years

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LuXY/Lukadrien/Lukadrienette: Welcome to La-La Land: Chapter One

@luxyweek

Welcome to La-La Land: Chapter One: Eye Contact

Going to the party had been Penny’s idea.

(“You need to get out more. I know you don’t like socializing, Luka, but networking is key in this field.”)

Luka hadn’t even gotten in the door, and he was already wanting to flee.

Reporters lined the walkway to the entrance, shouting his name, blinding him with the flashes of their cameras, yelling their questions over one another.

Luka did his best to smile and act like he was comfortable in this crazy environment. (He was not.) He drew heavily on techniques honed through years of meditation practice in order to stay calm and serene.

“Luka!” one of the reporters called. “Are the rumors about you and Adrien Agreste-Dupain-Cheng true?!”

Luka blinked, step faltering.

His heart sank.

The other bloodhounds caught the scent and took up the cry.

“Luka! Are you and Monsieur Agreste-Dupain-Cheng having an affair?”

“Is it true that you’ve been seeing one another for years behind his wife’s back?”

Two weeks prior, a paparazzo had seen Luka and Adrien meeting up at the Brasserie Lipp for dinner and gotten a shot of them saying goodbye. With Adrien’s arms around Luka’s neck and the looks on their faces as they smiled and laughed…the optics weren’t good.

Things died down a bit after Marinette made a statement that Luka was a very old and dear friend to the both of them and that her husband was in no way cheating on her.

Luka thought the whole thing had blown over. Apparently, he was wrong.

The light and the noise and the crush of the crowd was overwhelming.

With a mutter of, “no comment” to the ravenous newshounds, Luka picked up the pace, practically running for cover inside of Le Grand Paris.

It’s not like they’d understand if he tried to explain how he had been casually dating a married couple for several years now, so “cheating” and “affair” were not an accurate representation of the situation.

Luka being bi was something Paris could handle for the most part, even if they didn’t always like it. Luka being in a polyamorous, off-again-on-again relationship would break Paris’s brain. It was easier for them if Luka were a homewrecker.

He made his way to the ballroom where Bob Roth was hosting the get together for the dozens of stars currently signed to his record label as well as influential members of Parisian society.

After greeting the requisite people and being led around by Bob Roth to be introduced as the producer’s latest “find”, Luka retreated to the far side of the room where he could be a wallflower in peace.

Parties were definitely not his scene.

He eyed the open bar hard, considering.

Normally, Luka was careful with his alcohol consumption. Drowning problems in booze was, unfortunately, a bit of an issue at times in his family, and he was always mindful of not falling down that rabbit hole.

Tonight, however, social anxiety was definitely a thing on top of the dull ache in his chest dredged up by the paparazzi reminding him of his messy relationship with Marinette and Adrien, and Luka really felt like he needed a drink to take a bit of the edge off.

A server came by with a tray of champagne, and Luka decided that that was a good compromise. Enough to numb himself a little but nothing too extreme like downing vodka shots.

He sipped on his glass as he watched the antics of the other partygoers. Jagged had brought Fang, and Clara Rossignol looked like she was having the time of her life throwing a stick for him. (Though, she always looked like she was having the time of her life.)

Most everyone else was trying to stay out of the way as the crocodile bounded after his quarry.

As the night stretched on, one glass of champagne became three, and with two more hours to go on the party before it would be acceptable for Luka to escape, Luka was starting to think he wasn’t going to make it.

He felt uneasy, like people were watching him.

People were watching him. That was the whole point of the evening: to be seen. A handful of respectable members of the press had been let into the party, and Luka wouldn’t be surprised if there had been tens of hundreds of pictures taken either of him or with him in the background.

Still.

It made his whole body itch.

Suddenly, the “being watched” sensation was far more acute. Someone was behind him.

Luka turned to find Xavier-Yves Roth staring at Luka’s waist.

Several thoughts raced through Luka’s slightly alcohol-addled mind, but chief among them was that XY had been ogling Luka’s butt.

He knew it looked good in the leather pants he was wearing, but the fact that it was XY checking it out…that just made Luka uncomfortable. He was tempted to dig out the old, “my eyes are up here” line, but that sounded too coy.

“Can I help you?” Luka asked tersely.

“Nah. I’m good,” XY assured without sarcasm and continued to give Luka the once over. “Nice outfit.”

“Uh…thanks,” Luka replied awkwardly, beginning to squirm. “It’s a Marinette original. I’m a friend of the designer.”

XY frowned, cocking an eyebrow as he finally met Luka’s gaze. “The wife of the guy you’re sleeping with?”

Luka pursed his lips.

This conversation was going remarkably well. Back in the old days, it would have been the kind of evening that rated as a success if no one got akumatized. Luka kind of missed akumas. They were really useful for breaking up mortifying encounters such as this one.

“Allegedly,” Luka returned laconically. “Listen, I have to—”

“—Didn’t you used to have blue hair?” XY cut him off.

Luka frowned. Did XY remember who he was? The man had always struck Luka as completely oblivious to everything that did not immediately serve some use to the blonde, so Luka hadn’t expected to register in XY’s long-term memory.

“Uh…yeah.” Luka self-consciously reached up to touch his hair. He’d dyed it back to pure black a couple years ago.

XY nodded, a dopey grin on his face. “It’s super dope. I like it better this way.”

Luka guessed that that was supposed to be a compliment. “…Thanks? …I…I like what you’ve done with yours too.”

XY’s hair was still spiked up on top, but it was shorter and actually looked more like a normal person’s hair now instead of the half-meter cornstalk growing out of his head that it used to resemble.

“Your hair looks better short,” Luka added civilly.

Why was he making small talk with Xavier-Yves Roth? What dimension of hell had he stumbled into?

XY seemed to puff up in pride at Luka’s remark. “Yeah,” he preened. “It’s super sick, yeah? The tall hair thing got old. It was time for an update, you know?”

Luka nodded agreeably, waiting for an opportunity to slip away.

“So, what are you doing lately?” The small talk continued, much to Luka’s horror. “What kind of music are you making recently?”

Luka frowned as XY hit a sore spot. “Why? Looking for something to steal—sorry. I meant inspire you?”

XY’s eyebrows slowly pinched together, and his mouth formed a duck-lipped pout. “Dude. That was, like, ten years ago, and it was only the one time. I was just doing what my dad said. He’s the expert, so I figured he knew what he was talking about. I didn’t know I was doing something wrong, and I apologized and haven’t done it again,” he informed sulkily.

Suddenly, Luka felt like a very petty person. He hadn’t spoken to XY in a decade, but he’d just gone into the interaction assuming that nothing had changed, that the man was still the dumb, spoiled brat Luka had encountered when he was sixteen.

He visibly wilted, ashamed of his rash accusation. “Sorry. That was…that was really rude of me. Could we maybe start over? I’m Luka Couffaine. It’s nice to meet you.” He held out his hand, hoping to smooth things over.

Seemingly, it worked. XY’s pout instantly transformed into a wide grin, and he took Luka’s hand, shaking it enthusiastically. “XY. Your music is really ballin’. Totes dope. I’ve been following you since you were the lead guitarist in Kitty Section, and I was really excited when you went solo.”

This was the Twilight Zone. How had Luka fallen into an alternate universe where XY not only knew who he was but actually enjoyed Luka’s music? This conversation had officially become bizarre.

“Uh…Wow. You…You like my work?” Luka replied eruditely.

XY nodded, hair bobbing along. “Yeah. Typically, I don’t like that punk stuff, but—I don’t know—your music has always been different.”

“Thank you,” Luka responded, suddenly feeling off balance not just because of the alcohol he’d consumed. He genuinely didn’t know what to do with this version of XY so different from the young man he’d met once ten years before.

“You probably haven’t heard much of my stuff, have you?” XY continued with their conversation.

“I can’t say that I have,” Luka sheepishly admitted. “Maybe snatches on the radio, but I haven’t really sat down and listened to it.”

XY waved Luka’s words away. “You’d like it. It’s really good stuff nowadays. I come up with my own beats. Yeah, Dad and the mixing department clean it up before it goes out the door, but I make my own stuff. I, like, go out and listen to other people’s stuff and sit in parks and look at trees, and I get inspired. I get ideas now,” he boasted.

Luka nodded supportively, sensing that this was important to XY, though, Luka had no idea why having ideas was such an achievement.

“My dad doesn’t call me an idiot even half as much as he used to,” XY confided proudly. “I’m not an imbecile anymore.”

Luka waited for XY to explain the joke, but the punchline never came, and Luka realized with horror that XY was serious. “Your father said that to you?”

XY nodded matter-of-factly. “Yeah. I used to be really stupid, and Dad never thought my work was good, but now I have more talent since I started going out and trying to make my own ideas.”

Suddenly XY’s expression became thoughtful. “I never got to thank you.”

Luka blinked, completely lost. “For what?”

“What you said to me at the TV studio that day after you and Kitty Section performed with me. …Out in the hallway by the dressing rooms?” XY reminded, looking at Luka expectantly.

Maybe it was because it had been a stressful day with the plagiarism and the akumatization and everything, but Luka was completely blanking.

“Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sure,” he bluffed, hoping not to get found out. What the heck had he said to XY ten years ago that the guy was now thanking him for?

XY’s face lit up in a smile. “What you said really got me thinking. It made a big difference, made me want to change, so…it’s thanks to you that my music’s so dope nowadays and that my dad’s taking me seriously as a musician. So, thanks.”

Luka could feel his cheeks heating up under XY’s intense gaze. He wished he could remember what he’d said. Obviously, the moment had been far more important to XY than it had been to Luka. That made Luka feel kind of bad.

“You’re welcome,” he replied earnestly. “I’m really glad that I could help.”

XY nodded enthusiastically. “And you keep helping. I was listening to your second solo album a year or two ago, the one with all the electric violin, and I came across this interview you did when it came out where you were talking about how you drew inspiration from all kinds of musical genres, and you were talking about Classical and Romantic music. I actually looked up some of the stuff you mentioned and found a lot of stuff I liked.”

If Luka had less control over himself, his mouth would have dropped open.

The image of pop idol XY listening to anything Luka had ever mentioned in an interview (where he regularly talked about music theory and Mahler and The Beatles and Javanese gamelan music) just seemed so farfetched.

“Like that Beaux Arts guy,” XY prattled on. “I listened to his Inclined Knot Music, and I thought the beat was really sick.”

XY proceeded to hum the theme from the first movement of Mozart’s Eine Kleine Nachtmusik.

“I learned that it’s not stealing if the guy you borrow from is super dead, so I took the theme and mixed it up and turned it into my own thing, and people really liked it!” XY informed excitedly. “If you want to hear my version, it’s called ‘XY’s Got Mad Ups’.”

Luka was definitely looking that up on YouTube later that night. He couldn’t help his morbid sense of curiosity. He’d clearly created a monster in inspiring XY to look into Mozart’s music, and now he felt kind of responsible for the result.

“Yeah. I’d be really interested in giving it a listen,” Luka replied honestly.

XY perked up like a puppy who had just heard his owner get out the dog food. “Really? Killer! You know, I was also really inspired by Beat-oven. You mentioned that the Fifth Symphony was your favourite?”

Luka nodded, genuinely surprised.

“Well, I found his piano concertos—”

“—concerti—” Luka’s mind automatically corrected.

“—and the first movement of his Third Piano Concerto was absolutely trippin’. I’ve got some tracks inspired by Beat-oven pieces too that did really well, so I’m super glad you got me to look into classical music.”

“You’re welcome,” Luka repeated, unsure of what else to say. This was more like interacting with a fan than an old rival, and Luka found himself getting tripped up over and over again with every new sentence out of XY’s mouth. “I’m really glad that you got so much out of it.”

XY flashed Luka some kind of hipster hand sign. “Hey, so, I know you haven’t heard much of my work, but if you do listen to it and you think it’s good, I was thinking we should collaborate sometime.”

Luka’s eyes went wide as XY fished out a business card and a pen, writing an additional phone number on the backside, opposite his official contact information.

“Here. My personal number.”

Luka took the card and stared at it for a minute before pulling out his wallet and tucking the card inside carefully.

“I really like your chord progressions, especially your use of deceptive cadence.”

Luka’s brain wrecked and caused a ten-car pileup.

Since when did XY know what a deceptive cadence was? Maybe he’d heard Luka talk about it in an interview? Penny had had Luka do a lot of interviews to get his name out. Penny had had Luka do a lot of tweeting and blogging and Instagraming. Maybe XY kept tabs on Luka’s social media?

“I was thinking we could do a mix with, like, some Berber drumming and you on electric violin? I could get a really sick beat going. I’ve got some ideas, if you’re interested.” The amount of hope shining tentatively in XY’s eyes made Luka’s stomach feel funny. The guy really, really wanted to collaborate with Luka. It seriously meant that much to him. What the hell?

“Yeah. Okay,” he agreed before he could stop to think that maybe he should listen to this guy’s music first before getting XY’s hopes up. “I’ll give your stuff a listen, and maybe we can talk to your father about doing something together sometime.”

XY gave a little hop as he punched the air in his excitement. “Sweet! Aw, man. That is so tight! Yeah. Definitely call me, and we can work something out.”

Luka opened his mouth to respond that he would, but he was cut off by Bob Roth shouting from several yards away. “Xavier-Yves!”

XY winced, turning to watch his father storm towards them.

“What are you doing, you imbecile?” the producer hissed quietly, grabbing his son’s arm and tugging him away from Luka.

All Luka could do was gape.

“Didn’t I tell you to make small talk and keep circulating? I haven’t seen you talk to the mayor yet. And make sure you flirt with his daughter. She’s a fan, and their money’s important. Talk to that pop princess girl too. Make sure people get pictures of you two together,” Roth instructed. “What’s her name. Poppenella? Pimpernel? Pumpernickel? You know who I’m talking about. We’re thinking of arranging a publicity stunt making it look like you two are dating. It should help boost your ratings.”

“Okay,” XY agreed docilely, even though he looked thoroughly put out by the prospect. “In a minute, Dad. Luka and I were just talking about doing a collab. I’ll go schmooze some more after we finish.”

Bob Roth’s eyes widened, and he looked back at Luka in surprise. “Oh! I’m sorry, Luka. I thought my son was just bothering you, but if you were discussing business, that’s all right,” he laughed, voice full of false cheer. “You see, Xavier-Yves is just such a fan of yours.”

“He’s not bothering me,” Luka assured, doing his best to keep his voice calm and neutral.

He had never liked Bob Roth. He had never gotten over the man’s cruelty and cut-throat attitude. He’d only signed with Bob Roth because Jagged had gotten him the deal. Luka liked Bob Roth even less now that he’d seen firsthand how the producer treated his son.

In the back of Luka’s mind, he wondered if he had a thing for blonde boys with daddy issues because he was getting the kind of protective feelings for XY that he normally only experienced with Adrien when Gabriel Agreste needed his face punched in.

Bob Roth nodded, letting go of his grip on XY’s arm. “All right, then. I’ll leave you boys to your business.” He looked pointedly at his son. “But then back to working the floor.”

“Yeah, Dad,” XY assured, shrugging the whole event off easily and turning back to Luka as Bob Roth sauntered off. “So…you’ll really give my music a listen and think about a collab?”

“Uh…Yeah,” Luka replied a little slowly, mind still occupied with the scene he’d just witnessed. “Yeah. I’ll definitely get back to you…. Is your Dad always like that?”

XY shrugged indifferently. “Sometimes he’s better. Sometimes he’s worse. He’s a smart man. He knows what he’s doing, how the business works, what the people want. He’s just doing his job, so don’t worry about it.”

Luka wanted to ask if that was really okay, doing one’s job at the expense of one’s child’s wellbeing and self-esteem. He wondered if XY was just numb to the abusive treatment at this point, nearly thirty years in or if he saw how other people were with their parents and wanted more from his relationship with his father.

Again, Luka couldn’t help but think of Adrien. He wondered if XY had cried alone in his room growing up too…if he still cried sometimes.

Maybe Luka was projecting. Adrien and Xavier-Yves were two vastly different people.

“Are you close with your mom?” Luka tentatively inquired.

XY shook his head. “Mom and Dad got divorced when I was little. I live with Dad most of the time and really only see Mom from time to time or on holidays, so we really haven’t gotten the chance to grow too close.”

He didn’t sound sad about this. He didn’t sound like he had any feelings at all on the matter. Maybe XY was incredibly well-adjusted and good at accepting things the way they were…. Maybe he had some serious baggage he’d been stuffing down for two decades.

“Well,” XY sighed. “I’ve got to go visit with other people, but it was nice talking to you.”

“Yeah,” Luka echoed, surprised to find that he meant it. “Thanks for coming to talk to me. I’ll get back to you about a collab soon.”

“Rad!” XY cheered, turning to go, waving over his shoulder at Luka as he did.

Luka chuckled and waved back.

XY stopped and, as if making a decision, turned back around. “You know. I really am glad you stopped dying your hair. Black is a really good color for you.”

“Oh. Yeah?” Luka self-consciously reached up to touch his hair once more.

XY nodded. “Mmhm. It really brings out the blue of your eyes. You have insanely beautiful eyes, you know?”

Luka had not known this.

“They’re kind of scary at times,” XY confessed, “but really gorgeous. Your eyes give me goosebumps. Your eyes kind of got lost in all the blue, so I like how the black hair really sets off how pretty your eyes are. See you later!”

And with double finger guns, XY was off to do his father’s bidding, leaving Luka completely gobsmacked because 1) XY was such a Luka fanboy, 2) XY had definitely been flirting with Luka, and 3) …Luka kind of liked it?

Or maybe he was slightly drunk and projecting his feelings for Adrien onto another blonde guy because things with Marinette and Adrien were not at all what Luka wanted them to be lately, and it was kind of driving Luka insane. Maybe it was just the frustration getting to him.

This party had definitely taken a turn for the bizarre.

#LuXY #luxyweek2k20 #Miraculous Ladybug #Miraculous Ladybug Fanfiction #Luka Couffaine/XY Roth #Luka Couffaine #XY #Xavier-Yves Roth #Lukadrien #Lukadrienette #Mikau's Writings #Welcome to La-La Land

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erchommai-a · 4 years

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demon blood.

trigger warning: abuse mention, gross, scars, etc.

origin.

Lilith, Mother of Demons, was not an easy creature to summon, even with Valentine Morgenstern’s talents and determination. His earlier experimentation had attracted the demon’s attention. And had manipulated certain events to inspire the man to consider her blood for his experiments, hoping that through him, she may finally bear that son that she could never have.

With it came an agreement ─ an alliance that while Valentine had no plans or means to keep, he made regardless. Should his Uprising ( or any others in the future prove victorious ) it would not only be his Nephilim that should benefit but her included. And the added clause that she would get to watch over Jonathan while Valentine ensured that it could and cannot happen without his direct permission.

Contracts after all are binding intricate dances. Especially when done with the mother of all demons.

childhood.

His birth, for the most part, was normal. He only cried once, on that very night, and then never again. He never smiled. And often, had this knowing expression in his eyes as if he could comprehend the whole world around him, as if he could see the disgust written all over his mother’s eyes everytime she held him. It was the pregnancy with him that was difficult. Jocelyn suffered nightmares ; she suffered deep and unsettling exhaustion mixed with depression. An anxiety that wouldn’t leave her until that night Jonathan was born. A feeling that would only be replaced by disgust and almost fear for the first half of her first born’s life.

Jonathan for the most part was privy to these little things. Memories deeply ingrained in him but never really had full comprehension for it. More like vague nonsensical sequences, no matter how vivid the scenario is inside his head. Jocelyn crying. Green eyes looking down into his. Fingers in his hair. His fingers in her clasped hand. Valentine proudly called him his son. Stories of a grandmother and grandfather. Grand tales of a future to come.

Except for his eyes, by all appearance he looked normal. A quiet boy with advanced motor skills and seemingly quick and adaptive cognitive abilities. But he didn’t speak until he was around two and it was only one word, “Mom.” And he wouldn’t speak again until that fateful night his Father scoops him out of his bed and takes him away.

relationships.

In his youth he wasn’t as volatile or violent towards new people. He found them fascinating and could just stare at them for hours. It was for that very reason that people tend to react to him differently. This child with deep empty soulless eyes just looking up at you, trying to understand what you’re thinking, could be unnerving with his almost complete silence and obvious lack of affect. But generally it was the adults that could pick up on his almost other-worldliness.

Children paid no mind to it. Alec, among the few children of the circle, was considerably his most constant friend due to how close Jocelyn and Maryse had been then. And they often had no issue playing around with each other. So long as Alec doesn't push Jonathan when he doesn’t want to do anything or doesn’t take anything Joanthan considers to be his. Oftentimes, Jon would just sit there and play with his own toys right next to the other kids.

Quiet and contnet with his own company.

Of course, this changed as he grew older. Restricted and practically trapped in solitude, save for the company of his dismissive father ─ his idea of people was easily twisted by Valentine’s Dogma. And his lack of opportunity for actual social practice or basic social understanding forged instead into weaponry and spycraft. Because for the most part, he can be very intuitive in the nature of people. But his childhood has made him very much a cynic towards people. Or humanity as a whole. He doesn’t think anyone or anything is worth saving. He finds chaos to be more fascinating. Morality is muddled whether you lean towards good or bad.

Chaos, to him, could almost be his religion.

physical traits.

The most obvious and significant effect of the demon blood in his system was the black eyes. And by that I literally just mean black pupils. He does not do the whole black eyes thing in my canon verses. It is just deep soulless black eyes that are quite freakishly inhuman but also human. He’s a cryptid.

There’s also a general sharpness to his whole countenance that he wouldn’t have if the demon blood wasn’t there. Although it’s not really something completely noticeable, or something that ruins the aesthetic of his features, in fact it enhances his looks a lot more. Accentuating the beauty to his features that almost make it unnatural. Cause again, he’s kind of a cryptid.

The best way to picture it is how it's such a direct and obvious contrast to Jace’s beauty. Jace is golden, the sun, absolutely angelic. Jon is raw, sharp, ethereal like the night, absolutely hellish.

nature of the demon blood.

Please take note of this, cause this is such a crucial part to how I play him.

The general philosophy regarding demon blood is plain and simple, it’s a cancer to his soul. It’s not something that had any serious instantaneous effect on him so much that he is inhuman ─ or that he was born demonic or anything like that. He is different. But he isn’t entirely all demon or entirely all human because he has angel blood. He is still Nephilim.

So with it came this effect of diminishing humanity ─ the hell fire inside of him was burning it up in a waythat it wasn’t just purely dependent on how he was raised but the demon blood itself was isolating him from his human traits. The good emotions, empathy, compassion, etc. And influencing him in a way that his aggression and general affinity for violence is louder. So it just amplifies deep dark baser urges that are already within him ─ like his impulse control and fascination with violence and blood lust. They were all only heightened. And you match that with Valentine Morgenstern’s school of learning ─ it builds inside of him a clashing.

Demon versus Human.

A conflict of demon and angel fighting within himself in such a profound way that him, being the one with it, can not tell the difference of how abnormal his physical constitution is. He neither feels it, nor comprehends it. To him it’s a natural state of being. That feeling of conflict inside of him that never goes away. That unbearable loneliness. That insufferable hunger or feeling of emptiness. That absolute soul sucking encompassing black hole that is never sated, never satisfied, never content. It never goes away. It just is. It’s just him.

He has been burning ─ rotting ─ from the inside out since he was born.

With that said ─ at no point does it take away his agency ( because please stop doing that ) to the point that it’s easy to assume that he would be different without demon blood. No, it won’t. The anger in him is something he was born with. That loneliness, he was born with it. He was given as much choice as anyone ─ he could have killed his Father but he didn’t. He could have killed Jace first, without hesitation or second judgement in City of Glass, he didn’t. He didn’t have to kill Max, but he did.

One could argue that he didn’t make the choices with the best capacity or capability to make those decisions, yes, But it doesn’t take away the fact that he made those choices of his own volition. He chose to follow the path that leads to his death.

The demon blood or his demonic nature is not the sole instigator.

But he has done and will do evil things.

morality.

This is just a quick thing because I stand by the notion that he isn’t evil. Not inherently. He has done despicable, heinous, evil things. He has nearly accomplished more devious and horrible crimes. And had he won ─ he could have continued to try to raise the stakes until that deep hole inside of him was filled and satisfied.

Which cruelly would never be sated.

But his intent had never been directly for absolutely malicious intent.

He was built and cultivated towards this prospect because after his first death. It is the only clear and obvious direction for him. Because without his Father’s purpose, he has nothing. Without that legacy to latch onto ─ he has nothing. That and Family has only been the two things Valentine had allowed him to strive for. So in truth, he wouldn’t really know any better.

And if you let him loose, absolutely and purely, on his own whim and want. Things would have ended differently. He would have thrived more beautifully in chaos.

It could have still led to a war. But a fun war. For him anyway.

Quick summary, he isn’t evil for evil sake. Kind of in the same vein, Valentine isn’t inherently evil. He was a villain who thought he was doing what was right, if a little bit over-zealously and like a megalomaniac. But I guess, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. There’s a method to both their madness.

effects and abilities.

infertile. This isn’t really something he knows or directly thinks about. Children, to him, for the most part aren’t like a big deal. But no, he can’t have kids. None of his own anyway. The demon blood has taken that away. demon connection. Although his connection to Lilith is both in part because it’s her blood specifically that flows through him, it does extend quite a bit to others within the demonic hierarchy. With Lilith, it’s a very specific sort of connection. She can contact him, although with limitations, but she can make her presence very well known to him. In his childhood, she could only maintain it in short instances. Soft reassuring voices in his ears. Little visions. Little dreams. Nothing that could alert Valentine to her presence because of their contract that she is not allowed to see Jon without his permission / supervision. But this connection extends to all other demonic creatures specifically. It doesn’t only offer itself up as a sort of dowsing rod that works both ways ( he can sense them and they can sense him like he’s a beacon ). With that, also comes this understanding. He can speak in demon tongue that is also not just exclusively phonetically but emphatically or telepathically as well in the most natural sense. It was never something he had to study. demon manipulation. This is just an extension of the effects of Lilith’s blood in him. He can influence, to some degree lower tier demons. Order them around based on his blood connection to Lilith. Something that works almost similarly like light hypnotism. But is not overly powerful or overt that he can use it for very long or very often. And only works on the unintelligent breed of demons. blood magic / blood sorcery. There is, inherently, a lot of use for his blood in terms of magic and rituals. His blood being a unique combination of demon and nephilim make it a very powerful conduit or power source for dark magic. And not only that, his blood is a good supplement to other things like summoning rituals and binding rituals. Summoning circles lined with his blood has a stronger binding energy against demons and may not be exclusive to just demons. ( He has yet to find out, although theoretically can be applied to anyone that falls within the confines of summoning circles. ) It also has corrosive properties when interacting with objects heavenly by nature. Or some enchanted objects. ( e.g. deactivating the wards. ) demonic blood empowerment. Physically, this technically makes him stronger than jace to a certain degree. Partnered with his training, this makes him absolutely lethal. And both fast and stronger than the majority of shadowhunters. Along with it, is a sense of physical self reliance. The more the influence of the demon blood becomes stronger, the less he has a need for human things. It destroys him spiritually and mentally but it builds him up physically to the point that a lot of what is essential to another person may not be as essential to him. Like physical sustenance is less of a necessity to him which in turn makes him eat less, sleep less, basically do so little of the human things that most people absolutely need. ( e.g. dreaming art, little enjoyments, those sort of things. ) This is also where the advanced nature of his progress in childhood also comes in effect. It helped him adapt to the physicallity of growing up or maturity much faster than a normal child would have. pain supression / resistance. Mostly before LIlith's resurrection, pain to him was a normal affliction. He felt as much as anyone physically could. But again through Valentine Morgenstern school of how to be a monster, he was taught to make himself numb to it through training and with physical abuse, he did. Post Lilith’s resurrection, he was gifted with almost unnatural invincibility. He is more likely to feel the pain now unless it was directly imbued with heavenly fire. This also meant there was no scarring and that he could get stabbed as many times as he liked. Cutting his head off could also work though. If you were fast enough. limitations. For the most part, there are only three things that can effectively hurt / bruise him in a sense. First and foremost is Demon metal, weapons made from these are rare but can leave significant scars on his skin after. And nothing that any known magic or angelic rune had been able to remove. Electrum, can also have similar effects but not as aggravating or as long lasting as demon metal. In pain level, electrum is a lot more tolerable for him than demon metal. And the scars, no matter how deep, are not as permanent as weapons infused with demon metal. Sanctified objects or holy ground can make him feel kind of an allergic reaction. There’s definitely a different energy around them that makes him uncomfortable. Not to the point that it weakens and not even to any significant degree that it hurts him. But they do make him feel weird and kind of aggravate the hell fire in his veins so it’s almost like a fever that’s just there. Or an itch that he cannot scratch. Anything imbued with heavenly fire directly however can be excruciating to him. magic. To some degree, he has an affinity for it. He can be very talented with magic. It’s something innate and he can be very intuitive with. More so than his own father, from whom he learned nearly all the spells that are within his arsenal. However, he isn’t as in tune with it so to speak, spiritually, as he is with his weapons. It’s why even when he has the ability for most things like basic healing spells, tracking spells, etc, he still prefers to use his shadowhunter training and weapons. But he does have a working understanding of how to use and conjure magic for himself. He just doesn’t. edom magic. I thought I should separate this just to emphasize that edom was gifted to him by lilith. Edom is his and hers domain. There is nothing he or she can not build or unravel or undo or make or destroy within the confines of that universe. He is, within its world, by all means a god. It does not however mean he is omniscient or omnipotent within it. It just means every grain of sand and every single atom within the confine of said universe is his to control. wings. This is absolutely just me indulging myself because I live for the aesthetic. This comes about after the bond between him and Jace is broken in COLS. A part of Lilith’s gift. To expound on the image or her goal for her son too to be hell’s knight so to speak. An absolute bastardization of angels with his demon blood and angel blood, so voila, wings. They are dark and sharp, the wings fade from white to gray to black, right at his shoulder blades, where they connect to his skin. Blood red vains stretch from his skin to the arch of his wings. They are retractable and can be easily hidden within his skin or just through plain glamour magic. ( Cause you know, still kind of a cryptid. Just a pretty cryptid. ) Outside of some ability for flight, they don’t offer him much protection. They work more like an extra appendage. And something that stays with him in post-cohf verses although they appear more withered then and scarred. They also appear as fresh new scars, that cover over a small part of his shoulder blade as well as over the lines of scars from his whipping across his back.

#𝒉𝒐𝒘 𝒕𝒐 𝒎𝒂𝒌𝒆 𝒂 𝒎𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒓.┋study.#long post for ts #this is definitely a lot more extensive than the last one but i still feel like im forgetting something #BUT ALSO IF PEOPLE HAVE BETTER IDEA FOR terms cos i genuinely cannot think of better terms for some of his gifts right now #i'll have to read through this again tomorrow

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leturtz · 4 years

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COVID-19

Today, I went into public specifically to Stop & Shop. My boyfriend needed to pick up his prescription at the pharmacy and my mother needed some things from the grocery store as well. Before going out, my boyfriend and I prepared accordingly. We put on our masks, layered our clothes, brought extra gloves, and Clorox wipes to disinfect things as we went through this process. Of course it feels like a lot to do just to go out to the grocery store, but this is a very rare time in the world. While we were at the store, there were maybe 30 people in the whole store and about a third of them were wearing some sort of PPE in response to the pandemic. We were turning down one aisle when this older man was walking passed us in the opposite direction. We weren’t expecting what had happened next. With what I know about age, this man appeared to be in his 70′s if not 80′s and did not have any mask on or gloves. For my boyfriend and I, respecting other people is always our main concern unless they have given us a reason not to. After passing us, when he was about 7 to 8 feet away, he said “Oh my god, people are ridiculous. Just ridiculous” as he shook his head in disapproval and looked back at us like we were alien to him. It was that moment that I was genuinely moved and knew I’d be writing something when I returned home. As a 25 year old in generally good health, I am not very concerned about my own health during this time. The corona virus has so far only been fatal to the elderly and those with underlying conditions. Despite realizing I am not directly at risk, certain members of my family are older, or have underlying conditions, or both. In order for those members in my family to remain safe and healthy, I must protect myself too. Younger people have proven to be carriers and beacons for this virus to thrive and spread. I of course worry about my family first, but as rare as this quality is- I actually care about the health of even the people I may not personally know. The man spoke these words because he simply needed us to hear them. He raised his voice to a suitable volume and made a spectacle in order to express how he felt. In my personal opinion, I believe this man needed to validate himself this way because he too, is scared. Regardless of my beliefs during this pandemic, and how I think it is absolutely necessary to sanitize and take precautions for our loved ones and all people, I also believe in just respecting people. If you do not wish to wash your hands and wear a mask when you go to the food store, that’s your personal choice. Everyone has a right to carry out their lives in the way they feel is necessary, but there is utterly no reason to be disrespectful to those who feel differently. I was wearing a mask not just for my family, but for that old man, and others that may fall into his bracket. There were two other women who made the same comments towards my boyfriend and I. These two women were chatting at the end of one of the aisles. One seemed to be in her 60′s while the other appeared to be in her 70′s if not 80′s. Again we heard “People are just crazy.” I’m saddened by the ignorance and I was genuinely baffled that it felt like there were two separate types of people in the store. I understand that some people believe that this is not serious and although I think those people are very wrong and inconsiderate to others, I would never go out of my way to disrespect them in public or shame them in anyway.

With that being said, this pandemic is not a joke and should not qualify as “not that bad.” I understand people die from things everyday, it’s inevitable. I also understand that the human race has come into contact with certain viruses in the past that we as a community survived. However, we were not prepared for a pandemic of this magnitude. If we have the medical supplies and the hospital beds, sure, you will be able to receive the care that you need. The precautions that the government and the medical officials are putting into place are to stop this number from growing more and more. The amount of people who are infected is doubling and will only increase the rate in which it advances. In just a small a amount of time, our country’s stock on medical supplies has been almost entirely depleted. If we do not have the medical supplies and the beds to treat those who are sick, I can promise you this virus will not be “no big deal.” Every human life has so much value and my heart goes out to all the families of the COVID- 19 patients who have died and/or who are being treated. I live in New Jersey, next to the biggest infection populated state and city in America. I personally believe that New York, at it’s current rate of infection, will become the virus epicenter at least for our continent. Even if it doesn’t, the number of infections are going up. There is a 14 day incubation period where the infected hosts do not show any symptoms. The amount of interactions that occur between people is incomprehensible. There is no physical way for the government or the medical officials to accurately keep control and data on who is infected and who is not. What they can provide is the numbers of cases that have been confirmed and information that is finite. What we can do as human beings, is make sure we do our part to lessen the number of people infected. We have the proper supplies, but when we run out of the supplies, what do you think will happen? This is not a time for panic, though I too struggle with anxiety over this issue. This is the time to just be smart and proactive. We need to be mindful of our hands and what they touch. We need to practice social distancing and understand that everything we do now is to lessen the number of those needing our medical supplies and attention. Even if you do not think you are sick, if you have left the house and been subjected to the public in the past two to three weeks, you could very well have the virus and simply just not know. Again, that doesn’t call for panic. However it does call for understanding that this is much bigger than your own knowledge or perception. We all (healthy or sick) need to cover our mouths with the inside of our elbow when we cough or sneeze, we need to wash hands and refrain from touching our faces, we need to be mindful about the people around us and listen to the medical precautions posted on TV and on the internet. We have to do this together.

#leturtz

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lettucetacoboatsix · 4 years

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Like hurt me, but make me feel safe: Non-Consent Fantasies and Shame

Anonymous asked:

Fear: my sexual fantasies. I get aroused by rape fantasies and thoughts about my physical pain. It makes me feel like a slut and I hate it.

Content warning: Those who find discussions of rape and sexual assault may find this article triggering.

Hello friend,

That sort of fear has the potential to shake you to your core. Our sexuality and sexual identity is something so intrinsically tied to the self and to privacy that when it shows us something that we fear, we begin to question our very being. It’s easy to get lost in that initial reaction of self-loathing and disgust. We can’t always control which dark corners our minds will wander to, just like we can’t always control our physical arousal response to stimuli. Those responses do not make us gross or slutty or evil. Really, all they show is that we are human and that we are alive. Especially if you are still able to tell the difference between fantasy and reality.

Sexual fantasies run the gamut because personalities and interests do. They range from outlandishly unrealistic to entirely plausible. Maybe you fantasize about a trans witch, her anthropomorphic dinosaur lover and a sentient motorcycle with a human head (yes, that’s a real thing. Seriously, the rabbit hole of self-published erotica available on the internet is a glorious exploration of the human condition). That’s totally okay! It’s probably never going to happen, but role playing can be a lot of fun.

The fantasies that you mentioned, though, are often more realistic and play on our sense of safety and control. I do want to caution how we talk about them, though. While easily recognized as a “rape” fantasy, a more accurate term would be a non-consent fantasy or a forced sex fantasy. Rape is, by definition, sexual violence—a violation of the body and mind. Your sexual fantasies, while they might include elements of saying “no” or being bound or even physical harm to your body, are your fantasies, and are therefore empowering to your sexual identity. Sexual fantasies let you explore your sexuality. They are what allow us to find self-gratification on those cold and lonely winter nights without WiFi. We get to recall our fantasies through roleplay scenarios to make our sex lives even more fulfilling. This type of fantasy plays off of our feelings of sexual shame (if we’re saying we don’t want it, it’s not our fault when it happens and we enjoy it), and, because of that, we generally do not talk about it candidly. Rather than releasing ourselves from that shame, we internalize and we are disgusted by our own thoughts.

But this type of fantasy is incredibly common. A 2017 study (and seriously… PubMed is an amazing database of references and abstracts on life sciences and biomedical topics) showed that between 31% and 57% of women have fantasies in which they are forced into sex against their will. For 9% to 17% of those women, non-consent fantasies are their go to deposit in the spank bank. Another study, showed that 62% of women had had a non-consent fantasy at some point, and 14% reported that they had such a fantasy at least once a week. The cultural narrative would tell us that men fantasize more about domination than submission, and, while research does anecdotally support this, socialization isn’t absolute, and a person of any gender can embrace that desire to let go—to be seduced against our will or to be forced to have sex. It is a completely normal fantasy to explore.

It is understandable if those statistics make you uneasy. In real-life contexts, non-consent is deeply traumatizing. It is not at all sexy to feel that we have no sense of agency or safety in our daily lives. It is an intense violation that causes high levels of mental anguish and anxiety. It seems like there is some serious cognitive dissonance that we would use violent sex and non-consent as the basis for our sexual fantasies – but so many of us do.

It’s absolutely vital to note that while non-consent fantasies are common, this does not mean that anyone secretly wants to be raped. There is a huge difference between acted out role-play, imagined scenarios, pre-negotiated scenes and real-life experiences. No one asks to be raped, no one deserves to be raped, and how common forced sex fantasies are in no way justifies unwanted sexual contact of any nature. It is impossible to know exactly what these fantasies entail, because, they are going on in someone else’s mind. If you do choose to engage in a scene of consensual non-consent, pre-negotiation is absolutely mandatory and a safe-word must always be respected. Acting on these fantasies in real life requires an intrinsic trust with one’s partner and a thorough discussion before anything actually happens.

For some, fantasies of forced sex steered away from experiences that would be close to reality. Rather than lines of consent being crossed by friends or bosses, we fantasize about high drama situations in which we are forced to have sex to survive, entering into sexual contracts rather than having our right to consent taken away from us outright. We might share the relatively common fantasy of being kidnapped and held hostage, then having one of the guards forcing us into sex to survive, or we might fantasize about thieves breaking into our house and being so overwhelmed by our presence and attractiveness that they have to have sex with us against our will. In both of these relatively common scenarios, we start out by resisting the advances. Then we begin to enjoy the sex midway through, as pain and terror give way to pleasure. It is this relinquishing of control and giving in to desire that is the turn on, rather than the very real trauma of real-life sexual violence.

For others, though, these fantasies are more true to life. It may not be about feigned struggle, but imagining consent and control being ripped away as a major turn on. Why are so many of us aroused by forced sex when we’d be horrified of it in reality? Why do we find the idea of rejecting sex then being made to do it anyway a turn on? There are a few theories.

One theory is that it is an echo of the dominant narratives shown in our media-saturated world and masculine-controlled pornography. Our culture sells sex, and that vision of sex is a masculine man being dominant and losing control around a meek, diminutive and submissive woman or multiple women or parts of women or women acting as furniture or other objects. Our fantasies of non-consent are just an extension of that narrative—an internalized misogyny. Personally, I get that this might provide the framework, but it really seems like more is going on in those fantasies.

Another theory is that fantasies of non-consensual sex can be boiled down to lingering guilt and shame around sexuality. Young people are taught to hide sexual feelings or encouraged to fit narrow gender stereotypes of the acceptable ways that sexuality can be expressed in society. This leads to feelings of deep-rooted guilt and shame in expressing one’s own sexual desire. Being forced in the fantasy allows freedom since what happens to us and what we enjoy are not our fault with that added level of narrative. It’s not us, it is a fantasy version of us that doesn’t have a choice. We can’t be ashamed if we don’t have a choice.

If it seems like I am belaboring this point, please recognize how important it is to be clear here. Just as having fantasies about being abducted by an insectoid alien queen and being penetrated by her ovipositor to become an incubator for the next generation of our future overlords doesn’t mean you want to quit your job and become an astronaut, fantasizing about non-consensual sex does not in any way mean that you want to experience sexual violence in real life. It does not make you less human. It does not make you a slut. All it does it make you aware of this particular branch of your sexual fantasies. One more time for the folks in the back: people who have fantasies of experiencing sexual violence do not want to experience real-life rape. Fantasies are not permission to do such a thing, and what people find erotic in their minds can be deeply distressing when played out in reality. Having fantasies about being raped also doesn’t make you a terrible feminist. It doesn’t mean anything about who you are as a person, other than that you’re a person, who occasionally fantasizes about non-consent.

You are also no more likely to experience non-consent fantasies if you are a survivor of sexual assault or rape – fantasies can come up for anyone, at any time in their lives – and, if you are a survivor of sexual violence, it is incredibly important to note that experiencing non-consent fantasies does not mean that their real-life experience was in any way less traumatic. While renegotiating a scene on your terms might be a very therapeutic way to process and heal from a traumatic event (whether through role reversal or putting yourself in a submissive role by choice), having a fantasy at a later date is not indicative that what happened to you was somehow less traumatic. It’s important to understand your own feelings around fantasies of forced sex. If you’re enjoying them and are free of any guilt or discomfort, you don’t need to worry – fantasies of being forced to have sex are entirely normal and very common. If these thoughts feel intrusive, out of control, or distressing, though, then they’re no longer fun sexual fantasies – they’re an issue which needs resolving. Echoes of shame and guilt can often be addressed through open communication and understanding. But with that being said, though, if in the moment of fantasizing these fantasies are causing you distress, please seek professional help in the form of an understanding therapist. Fantasy is a tool for exploration. It is nothing to be ashamed of. If you’ve established that your fantasies are just that – sexual fantasies well within your control, that you find arousing, not distressing – you should feel free to enjoy them.

It’s entirely normal to find something arousing when it is played out in the safety of your mind but upsetting in real life. It’s normal for your own mind to push the boundaries of your comfort zone, and it’s normal if being out of that comfort zone makes you uncomfortable. Don’t panic, and bring a towel. Don’t judge, and treat your mind as a safe space to explore your sexuality in whatever way tickles your fancy at a given moment. If you do want to role play, have that discussion with your partner(s) as openly and honestly as possible. A mind is a terrible thing to waste. Especially a sexy, sexy mind. So treat yourself. Let go, and enjoy.

With love, friend.

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empaths-hsp · 4 years

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Sensitive Men Are the Antidote to Toxic Masculinity

Toxic masculinity is both self-destructive and socially destructive.

“Toughen up bro.”

“Come on, be a man about it.”

“Show them you’re the man!”

Society has long taught us that manhood is acquired through dominance, strength, self-reliance, and the bottling up of emotions. But this has led to the dangerous epidemic of “toxic masculinity.”

Now, I’m not a guy. But I’ve seen it happen. And quite frankly, it needs to stop. Toxic masculinity is harmful to everyone — both men and women.

While sensitivity is still a trait largely associated with girls and women, it should be something we encourage of boys and men. Highly sensitive men are the antidote to toxic masculinity. They are a guiding light that proves men can — and should — be thoughtful, considerate, and empathetic members of society. Men who understand and embrace their emotions know that feelings do not make them weak, but strong and healthy.

How Traditional Masculinity Becomes Toxic Masculinity

The American Psychological Association recently released guidelines — for the first time, I might add — for professionals who work with boys and men. The notion of traditional masculinity, the APA argued, has become a serious problem that requires unique intervention so boys can develop into healthier men.

Traditional masculinity is essentially a social construct. It’s a way of idealizing what it means to be a man, and requiring all men to live up to that restrictive, impossible image: emotionless, strong, hard-working.

Toxic masculinity emerges when that idea of traditional masculinity goes too far. It’s a way of thinking that if a guy doesn’t act in a certain way, they aren’t men. When that happens, the already constricting nature of traditional masculinity becomes something far more dangerous — both to men and the people in their lives.

I want you to think of Gaston from Disney’s “Beauty and the Beast.” Remember him? Competitive, bulging muscles, misogynistic, violent and, definitely someone who won’t take “no” for an answer. Gaston is the epitome of toxic masculinity.

Some typical traits associated with toxic masculinity are:

Shows no emotion apart from anger

Deals with problems using violence and/or aggression

Competitive and always has to win

Can’t show any weakness and doesn’t depend on anyone

Avoids doing anything considered ‘feminine’

Sometimes, may even make inappropriate sexual or derogatory comments toward women

Truth be told, toxic masculinity is both self-destructive and socially destructive, but society keeps encouraging those same destructive behaviors from men.

Ways Society Encourages Toxic Masculinity

It’s damaging to assume there is only one way of being a man — that only leads to having an unhealthy relationship with oneself and with others. Yet, as boys become men, they tend to hear:

1. ‘’Real men don’t cry.”

Boys are often told this phrase from a young age, often by their fathers or other male members of the family. The end result? Emotional repression. This frequently leads to outbursts, whether as violence directed at others or self-harm. And that’s not to mention the damaging effects on mental health — 1 in 8 men have mental health issues, but many hesitate to reach out for help.

2. “Suck it up.”

Not being able to express one’s emotions creates an internal pressure cooker, and can result in problems like anxiety, depression, and elevated suicide rates. In fact, men are 3.5 times more likely to die by suicide than women.

3. “Stop being a wimp.”

Men experience a real fear of appearing soft and tender. These qualities are usually associated with being weak and not manly. And for a long time — even still to this day in some places — “not manly” was often associated with being gay.

While views about the LGBTQ community have rightly changed for the good, homophobic comments grounded in the idea of being sensitive make it harder for some men to express their identity, and so they end up feeling uncomfortable with who they truly are.

4. “Boys will be boys.”

Well, what a great excuse for this crappy type of behavior. The “lad culture” that encourages toxic masculinity tends to devalue women’s bodies and opinions. It creates unbalanced relationships and unhealthy approaches to sex. As a result, domestic abuse rates are at an all-time high.

Let’s be clear, it’s not just women who are victims of domestic abuse, men are too. But according to the charity Women’s Aid, “women experience higher rates of repeated victimization and are much more likely to be seriously hurt or killed” than males. The idea that problems should be dealt with using violence poses risks to women in relationships with toxic men.

Why Sensitivity is the Antidote We Need

It’s time to redefine masculinity. Sensitivity in men is very rarely encouraged, but it’s time that changed. As a man, you should be able to feel vulnerable and sensitive without feeling weak and inferior. You should be able to enjoy activities like baking and cooking without worrying that they are too girly.

And that’s where sensitive men come in.

20 percent of the male population are highly sensitive. And most other men are capable of a deep sensitivity, if they allow themselves to bring it out. Men who embrace their sensitive sides have healthier relationships with others and themselves. They take the time to listen and cultivate deeper friendships. They talk more freely about their emotions and experiences.

That is pretty damn brave if you ask me.

Here are a few ways sensitive men can help teach the world that “sensitive” means “strong.”

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4 Ways Men Can Embrace Their Sensitive Side

1. Release and express emotions.

Real. Men. Have. Feelings. There, I said it. Men feel pain, anxiety, joy, and fear just like any other human being. You shouldn’t have to bottle up your emotions when you are feeling crappy. You can cry. You can talk. You can go to therapy. If you need help, ask. You don’t have to do it all on your own.

Don’t suffer in silence. You’re doing yourself (and others) more harm than good. There are much healthier ways of expressing your feelings than violent outbursts.

2. Own your interests, even if they’re “non-traditional.”

Not every guy is into football, cars, and weight lifting. (And if you are, then that’s perfectly fine.) Some men also enjoy cooking, dancing, singing, and baking. These activities are often associated with femininity, but they shouldn’t be.

Forget about what you should like to do as a man, and own what you enjoy. Not doing what you love just because you are afraid it’s considered too girly means you risk losing part of your identity in the process.

3. Foster healthy relationships.

Treating others with respect is just basic manners, and this goes double for romantic relationships. It’s important to cultivate a healthy approach to sex. The idea that all men want sex and should be ready for it 24/7 is absurd.

You can say no when you want to. It won’t make you any less of a man. And being sexually aggressive (without the other person’s consent) is not justifiable. Women and men aren’t sex objects and you shouldn’t be treating them as so. Learn to treat them as equals. (P.S: Laughing at rape jokes is also really not cool or funny.)

4. Forget about a perfect physique.

Men feel the pressure to have that perfect muscular body, thinking that it makes them manlier. Arnold Schwarzenegger in his heyday comes to mind: “I must be the strongest, fittest, most competitive…”

More times than not, the superhero in a movie is usually broad and muscular. Images like that and others we see on a daily basis help fuel unrealistic physical ideals and body image problems. Being thinner or heavier should not make you less of a man. Can we all just embrace our differences, please and thank you?

The world has started clueing into the problem of toxic masculinity, and I hope that sensitivity can provide a way forward. You don’t have to conform to society’s ideas of being a man. Be you. There is no ‘’right’’ way to be a man. Sensitive isn’t weak — it’s strong and daring and bold. It’s manly as hell.