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orderoftheavengers · 5 years

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Infinity Wand

Summary: I recognize that "Endgame" is now a movie. But given that it's a stupid-ass one, I'm electing to re-write it.

Ashes to Ashes, a new Dark Lord

The Avengers' final school year ends on a low note, with Thanos turning half of the world's population to ash with a flick of his Infinity Wand. Not only are half of all living things now gone, but Thanos has evened out the number of Muggles, Wizards and non-Human Beings in the universe, leading to the loss of almost the entire Muggle population.

Thanos now rules the planet with his Infinity Wand. Muggles were exposed to the magical world overnight, in the most horrifying way possible. Imagine preparing for a zombie apocalypse our whole life, only to suddenly instead see half your family crumble to ash, followed by a grape giant declaring himself your new Dark Lord.

All wizard schools are taken over by Thanos's minions, with a not-quite-dead Professor Squidward named the new Headmaster of Hogwarts. All the surviving students and Avengers must pretend to obey the slimy new Headmaster, and plan their continued fights in secret.

No Trust, Liar

Tony Stark and Nebula are left stranded in the ruins of Salazar Slytherin's palace, with no transportation. (Milano, the dragon that the Guardians of the Realm's house sits on the back of, was disintegrated by Thanos.) The two Slytherins develop a strong bond, and adopt each other. Tony teaches Nebula the Muggle sport of paper football, and Nebula drapes blankets over Tony after he's passed out. Just before they die of starvation and exposure, an unusually powerful vampire appears out of nowhere, hauls them each up in one arm, and flies them back to Hogwarts.

A tearful reunion follows in the Avengers' tower. Tony then lets out two years worth of rage at Steve Rogers, before collapsing to the floor and being taken to the Hospital Wing, where Bruce has to give him a literal sedative. That's when

Pepper lashes out at Steve for lying to Tony about his parents, and everything during the drunken Quidditch brawl. Rhodey tries to pacify her; as a military student himself, he guessed early on the real reason for Steve's lie, hence why he was so forgiving when they reunited during the Infinity War.

Steve then goes to the Hospital Wing, where Tony is still seemingly out cold. Steve finally pours out a real apology, warts and all, no excuses, with real emotion and tears. Mad-Eye Fury ordered Nat and Steve to stay quiet about Tony's parents, because Nick, like Stephanigus Strange , deduced that Tony was one of the world's most important defences against Thanos, and didn't want Earth's best defender getting sidetracked and killed on a quest for revenge. Steve never let Fury's orders stop him from doing what he wanted, and he admits now that the only thing stopping him from telling Tony was that he was a coward and he was selfish. He was afraid of Tony going after Bucky, or simply refusing to loan Steve his resources to look for him. He didn't write Tony a real apology after the "Civil War" because Steve has spent the last seven years shielding himself with corny cliches and heroic trappings. Tony wakes up while Steve is starting to cry, and states plainly that he doesn't think he'll ever be capable of forgiving him.

His rage returning, Tony adds, "Nice of you to finally give a real apology after two years though. Only took all your favorite friends dying." Rolling over he repeats, "No trust. Liar."

Last Hope, Crushed

For a brief moment, the Avengers think they had a chance to undo the Dusting Curse.

"Get Time Turners from the Ministry of Magic!" Nat says. "Use them to get our own set of Infinity Stones, fight Thanos, and bring everyone back!"

Since Hermione Granger was among the Dusted, she can't loan them her own Time Turner. But the Order of the Avengers, and their new allies, are able to break into the now Thanos-controlled Ministry....only to find that Thanos has destroyed all of the Time Turners, to prevent exactly what they were trying to do. Conveniently, everyone who knew how to make a Time Turner has been Dusted. And on top of that, he's also Dusted the Avengers' and Guardians' resident telepaths ("completely random" my ass).

Bruce screams at the purple bastard, "Why the hell didn't you just use the Time Turners, or the Time Stone, or all the stones, to make more resources, instead of killing trillions?!" just before Nat drags him out the window by the tail during their escape.

Worst Summer Ever

This following summer break is the worst the Order of the Avengers have ever had.

When the Dusting spell was cast, Clint Barton is at the family cottage with his younger brothers and sisters. His oldest sister is preparing a picnic, while Clint teaches his youngest sister an arrow spell. Having accepted his expulsion from Hogwarts following the UnCivil Quidditch Brawl, Clint is taking the rest of the school year off, and considering his job options. Then, suddenly, all of his younger siblings are ash. This breaks the Hufflepuff, who promised their parents before they died that he'd protect his little brothers and sisters. Clint drops his Hawkeye moniker and becomes Ronin the Barbarian. Outraged by the injustice of the Dusting Spell, Clint hunts down evil people, wizard and Muggle alike, with the Sword of Helga Hufflepuff.

Bruce Banner undergoes the most obvious change. After weeks of being unable to come out, the Wolf finally returns full force, after seeing half his friends Dusted. It takes Thor, Carol and Nebula to subdue the Wolf. Since both Wanda and Mantis are now dust, only traditional magical science can help the giant green werewolf. Tony teams up with Princess Shrui--who was not dusted--to help solve Bruce's dilemma. With the help of all his friends, Bruce slowly makes peace with "the furry guy," as both are now in 100% agreement in their fury and devastation. Bruce then undergoes a new transformation, becoming a humanoid, rationally-thinking werewolf. He takes on the name "Professor Wolf," and gains some new fangirls amongst the surviving Muggle population (mainly the Muggles who frequent DeviantArt and Fur Affinity).

For Tony and Pepper, there is a tiny grain of happiness, encompassed by more fear, when Pepper discovers she is pregnant. They plan to name the child after her eccentric, possibly-magical uncle Morgan. Tony gets them a cottage by a lake, near Bill and Fleur's place, walled off with protective spells. But everyone still lives in terror of Thanos. Tony's Slytherin will is temporarily snuffed out, save his determination to keep Pepper and the baby safe.

Steve Rogers, who during the Infinity War proved to have recovered from his out-of-character antics during the drunken Quidditch Civil War, is devastated by all the loss, especially Bucky crumbling to dust right before him. Steve often looks at his compass, inside of which he has stuck Peggy Carter's wizard card, not because he is abruptly obsessing over an old flame, but because he's wondering what someone he admired would be telling him to do now. He decides to start leading therapy groups, like Sam did. Steve occasionally goes on tangents about his own comparatively minor troubles, but this is a quirk the world has simply come to accept from the Gryffindor.

Thor is arguably in the worst position. His entire family has died one by one, plus the wise family owl Heimdall, and the mountain region of Asgard has been destroyed, along with three forths of the Asgardian population (first half were slaughtered by Thanos's army, and then half of the surviving half were Dusted). Since Hogsmede now has some extra space, the surviving Asgardians are able to get a new neighborhood there. Thor spends most of his time in his apartment above the Three Broomsticks, playing Muggle video games with his friends, and spiraling into alcoholism and overeating.

Natasha Romanoff locks herself up in the Ravenclaw tower and becomes a workaholic, obsessively monitoring the surviving populations around the world, and organizing remaining vigilantes still fighting to protect the innocent from Thanos. The only thing she does for herself is Metamorph her hair into a cool ombre sunset motif.

Carol Danvers isn't around much. "There are a lot of intelligent species in the magic world, and most of them don't have an Order of the Avengers." She keeps in touch with Natasha via the Floo Network, though. But Mad-Eye Fury didn't contact Carol for nothing. What makes her so special? Her connections. Nick knew Carol had a whole Realm of species to protect, and promised to only bother her with (living) humans if something that directly and immediately threatened all populations came up. Carol is now flying around the planet, rallying Vampires and other Beings in the effort to defy Thanos. She also gets a rather boss haircut.

Nebula plots her revenge on Thanos, while also checking on Tony and Pepper. When the time comes, Nebula is even in the delivery room.

Scott Lang is still trapped in the Spirit Realm, and thought to be among the Dusted....

The Ant-Nimagus Returns!

At the end of his last adventure, Scott Lang entered the Spirit Realm to collect ectoplasm (basically ghost-sh!t) to help his new ghostly friend, Ava Starr. Unfortunately the entire Pym/Van Dyne family was dusted, along with Ava, and Scott was left stranded in Limbo for the entire summer....

Then, just as the leaves were beginning to change, one of the Weasley family rats (Scabbers XIV) chews away at the magic veil Scott vanished behind, and finally opened up a portal wide enough for Scott to escape. Scott is confused and horrified when he stumbles onto the street and finds trees covered in Missing posters, accompanied by Ordinances signed by "the Dark Lord Thanos." And Muggle news sources talking about magic?!

Rushing to his ex's house, Scott is both relieved and frightened to be greeted by his now teenage daughter.

After the tearful reunion, Scott asks, "How many years was I gone Cassie? It felt like three hours."

"It was three months Dad," Casseopia Lang replies. "I had another fay growth spurt in that time."

(Cassie Lang is part nymph, and ages more quickly than her peers.)

"Wow, we're like, almost the same age now. This is awkward."

"Mom and Jim are dust."

"And depressing."

Scott finds his way to Steve and Nat, who are flabbergasted but overjoyed to find him alive. Scott is crushed to learn that all three of his crime-buddies are now piles of ash in the Slytherin common-room. Scott arranges the three piles into neat circles, into which he draws crude emote faces to represent how he best remembers each of them.

Scott is able to bring something to the table that even Carol Danvers lacks; knowledge of the Spirit Realm, which exists outside the Spacetime Continuum, and thus can be used for Time Travel. In fact, it turns out that this Realm was regularly used by the Ministry in the Manufacturing of Time Turners...

Lab Gang Learning about this new hope, Tony is at first apprehensive. By now, more months have passed, and Pepper has given birth to a baby girl. Tony doesn't want to lose Morgan or Pepper, or endanger more lives, in an attempt to defy Thanos. But a glance at a wizard-photo of him goofing off with his little Ravenclaw has him change his mind. Tony flies back to the Avengers' tower at Hogwarts, and tells Steve he's done letting resentment eat away at him, and presents Steve with a new shield. Since Steve has already given a full, satisfying, heartfelt apology and explanation, that the audience saw every detail of and didn't have to head-canon up for themselves, Tony's forgiveness makes perfect sense and has the exact emotional impact its writers intend for it to (breaks keyboard while typing). Now, the smartest wizards have to figure out how to use the Spirit Realm for time travel. Deep in Snape's old Potions dungeon, Tony, Bruce, Rocket, and Shuri--who was not Dusted!--all get together to brainstorm. The four geniuses exchange ingenuity and banter, and it is brilliant. Rocket, a niffler, is enamored with Tony’s chest amulet, and steals it, causing some health problems for Tony. This angers Professor Wolf, who chases the niffler/raccoon hybrid around the lab until he catches him and makes him into a violent chew toy. Shuri snags Rocket from the Wolf, and the amulet from Rocket. Struck with inspiration, the Wakandan princess makes some adjustments to the amulet, to Tony’s embarrassment and begrudging awe. This leads to a “eureka!” moment for the four of them, in regards to the Time Travel problem, and they finally get it solved. Meanwhile, Nat, using her metemorphmagus spy skills, finally tracks Clint Barton down in Japan, where he is slaying evil Vampires with the Sword of Hufflepuff (an opal-encrusted katana). He apparently also used the sword to try cutting his hair, hence his disastrous new do. Nat tells Clint they may have a way to bring his family back, and possibly even fix his hair. With this new glimmer of hope, Clint returns to Hogwarts.

Time Heist! Tony and Scott first attempt to use their combined Slythrin cunning to stal the Mind Stone from the Avengers' first battle with Loki, but succeed only in amusing shenanigans and observing Amreica's ass. Figuring it may be better to combine opposite skills, Tony and Steve then decide to try a Slytherin/Gryffindor team-up, and they go further back to the 1970s. There, they find help from the Maurauders, who are more than happy to break some rules and help with a heist, even for two guys they don't know. Steve sees Peggy, carrying on with her life, and watches her with a mixture of sad longing, and happiness that she's moved on. Tony meanwhile meets his father Howard, and discusses parenthood with him. Howard goes on about how "unqualified" he feels, and how he'd do anything for his coming baby, and Tony is reminded once more how full of sh*t his father always was. But since the bastard died an admittedly horrible death, Tony hugs and thanks him anyway, before yeeting off with the Stone. Steve starts to apologize once again, but Tony cuts him off. Tony's cunning and Steve's daring result in a success, and they return to the present time with the Mind Stone. Thor and Rocket travel to Asgard's past, to get the Reality Stone. Thor reunites with his mother, and sees he's still worthy of his hammer/broom, which he brings back with him to the present. Before he leaves, Queen Frigga tells him, "It's time to start being who you are, rather than who you're 'supposed' to be." "Are you telling me to step down from my throne?" "...step down? After your first five years were less than ideal? You're barely 1500 years old, my son. What I'm saying is, you could take a bit of time off to find yourself. A decade or two of vacation, having adventures with your rabbit friend, maybe. And you can even stay fat for a few centuries if you want. But why in the world would I be suggesting that you should throw away all you've fought for, just because of how things turned out over the last half-decade?" "I'm sorry Mother...living with Midgardians must've gone to my head. Though, I always was rather impulsive anyway." Rhodey and Nebula meanwhile travel to the Forbidden Forest, where Star Lord is about to steal the Power Stone from a heavily guarded cave. Rhodey and Nebula get along well, both now being close friends of Tony's, and both having been magically modified against their wills. (Rhodey, still a merman, must rely on his silver broom for transportation above water.) The pair interrupts Quill's opening dance number with Petrificus Totalus, and snag the Stone. Past-Thanos learns what they're up to, and almost follows them back to the present time, but Nebula kills her evil past self and past-Thanos, gaining some much-needed catharsis for herself. Past Gamora, however, stows away aboard Nebula's broom, as she and Rhodey fly back through the Spirit Realm to the present. Bruce gets the Time Stone from fellow a Ravenclaw, the Ancient One. Not battle or trickery is needed for this one; just honest, Ravencalw-to-Ravenclaw reasoning. When Bruce tells her about Strange sacrificing the Time Stone to save Tony, she realizes what this must mean, and hands the Stone over to Bruce. "But you must promise to return it, and restore the timeline." "I swear, my Lady, there is no one amongst the Order of the Avengers who would ever even consider messing up the Timeline for any reason, no matter how tempted they are." Nat and Clint go back in time to the palace of Salazar Slythrin, where Red Skull explains the trade for the Time Stone. Hufflepuff Clint naturally wants to be the one to die; he's already lost his family, he can't bear to lose his best friend as well. And he feels he deserves death, for the violent way he handled the loss of his family. But Nat, ever the pragmatic Ravenclaw, remembers that this death may not be permanent; and if god forbid it is, Clint's family will need him, and the world will need as many stable families like Clint's as possible, to rebuild. And she has a lot more red on her ledger to die for than he does. So she sacrifices herself. This apparent loss crushes the Avengers. The stereotype that Ravenclaws are just cold intellectual machines is BS; Nat was introspective and witty, and at the center of the heart of thee Order. And she never got to have a family. They sit in front of the Hogwarts lake, taking in her death.

Bruce roars, and tosses a bench into the lake. The kids sitting on the bench, Teddy Lupin and Victoire Weasley, barely react, as they too were close with Nat and are mourning her. Even the Giant Squid is too sad to be bothered by the littering of his lake. "We'll bring her back," Steve says sternly, as tears stream down his face. "It can't be undone," Clint chokes. "Sure it can't," Tony says clenching his jaw. "Just like Time Travel and bringing back the Dusted is impossible. When this is over, we won't need the Stone anymore, and we'll still have Time Travel." The Un-Dusting Tony builds a new Infinity Wand for the Avengers' set of Stones. Naturally, he designs the wand with the same red motif as his own--but this isn't just Tony's diva ego flashing again. He has always seen it has his own duty to defeat Thanos. His mind is temporarily changed when he attempts to use the Infinity Wand, and nearly passes out just from holding it with all the stones. Only Professor Wolf is strong enough to wield it with relative ease, and even he howls with pain as he flicks it. Thanos (the real, current Thanos, who is not dead) senses at once that a new Infinity Wand has been created and used, and attacks Hogwarts. The Avengers prepare to face him themselves, Bruce still weilding the Infinity Wand in his furry green paw, when suddenly portals open up around the school. Stephanigus Strange is back, along with all of the Dusted! Steve Rogers is frozen as he watches Sam and Bucky fly towards him on their brooms, coming from the left and right respectively. Bucky stares at Steve with scolding eyes, and says, "I told you not to do anything stupid," before barreling into him with a hug. Meanwhile, an adorkable little Ravenclaw in a spider-themed cloak swings up to Tony, and begins babbling about how wild it is to be back from the dusted, only to be interrupted by a tight hug. "Oh, this is nice!" As Tony crushes his surrogate baby brother, his eyes meet Bucky's, who is stilll crushing Steve. It's a silent, wet-eyed, exchange of forgiveness between the two of them. Then Tony notices Professor Squidward raising his wand behind Bucky and Steve. In one slick movement, Tony shoves Peter behind him, whips out his own wand, and blasts Squidward into a thousand gory pices of sushi. Bucky returns the favor a moment later, blasting a Thanos-minion that was coming up on Tony and Peter, before leaping over and finishing the villain off with some loud vampiric slurping. Bruce searches desperately for Natasha, and can't find her. He has a sickening feeling she wasn't revived. Vision and Gamora aren't seen either.... But all of the other the Guardians of the Realm are back. King T'Challa leaps through a portal, roaring and changing into his panther form in mid-jump. Wanda Maximoff soars out of the Wakanda portal, no broom or wand, running purely on her own scarlet magic. A pixie buzzes over to Scott, and Hope Van Dyne reverts to her usual size. A white ghostly blur gradually solidifies into Ava Starr, emerging through a slightly irritated Stephen Strange. Valkyrie flies in on her Pegasus, accompanied by all of the Asgardians, including Thor's new eccentric friends from "Ragnarok." From the next portal comes Nicademus Fury and Maria Underhill, ready to kick ass, and not about to miss out on this epic showdown battle, because that would just be jackalope-sh*t. From the next portal comes Lady Sif, Sharyn Carter, Christine Everhart, Bill Foster, and Galaga Guy. From the next, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron, Hagrid, and all of the main heroes from their generation (all having been Dusted). Portals open from wizarding schools around the world--Ilvermorny, Durmstrang, Beaubaxtons, Mahoutokoro, and Xavier's School for Gifted Wizards. From the final portal emereges Eddie Brock/Venom, Deadpool, and DarkWing Duck. And now the most epic battle in wizard history begins. Battle for Hogwarts The red Infinity Wand is tossed between the strongest Avengers during the battle, each of whom gets a turn using it against Thanos's original model. Bruce and the Wolf fight Thanos once more, now together, and wielding the red Infinity Wand. Professor Wolf is struggling to simply turn Thanos and his minions to dust, but it's one Infinity Wand up against another. As the two Infinity Wands blast against each other, a light begins to glow in the middle of the two spells. Bruce suddenly hears a familiar voice, half in his head. "Bruce, give someone else a turn." Natasha--or a ghostly version of her--is emerging from the middle of the two Infinity Wands' spells. "Priori Incantatem!" shouts Shuri, from her blue-and-silver panther broom. "Or something like it! Two sets of Infinity Stones blasting against each other, their past spells are regurgitating!" The moment of shock distracts Bruce long enough for Thanos to blast him to the ground. The grape bastard is about to pick up the other Infinity Wand, but spirit-Nat delivers a kick to his face. It's not a huge amount of damage--she only has the typical strength of a very angry poltergeist--but it buys enough time for Spidey to swing by and snag up the wand with his web. The little Ravenclaw trembles with the Infinity Wand in his hand; he's stronger than the average wizard, but maybe not quite strong enough to wield an Infinity Wand without harming himself. Thanos and his minions close in on him, and Thanos raises his own Infinity Wand towards Peter. The two Infinity Wands clash against each other once more, and another ghost emerges--Gamora. "I won't let you hurt another orphan!" ghost-Gamora screams, flying at her "father's" putrid head with her green fists raised. Below, past-Gamora watches in awe, as the revenge she's alwasy dreamed of starts to come true before her eyes. Seemingly all of the witches in the battle fly over and form a motherly wall between Thanos and Spidey, with ghost-Gamora and Nat in the lead. Valkyrie flies over on her Pegasus, and Ava Star comes running out of a Hogwarts castle wall. Pepper Potts is also there, with a new shinny purple broom and wand. Wanda Maxmoff and Jean Gray exchange a glance, silently admiring each other's red magic motifs, while Storm brings in some extra lightning for Thor. While the two Infinity ghosts of Nat and Gamora wrestle Thanos, Carol Danvers leaps over and snags the red Infinity Wand from Peter, just before the poor kid collapses. Thanos throws the two spirits off of him, and blasts at Carol. Now it's Captain Marvel's turn to have an Infinity duel with the Dark Lord. Thanos head-butts Carol, which does nothing to the vampire. An armada of dragons closes in, and Carol blasts them all with the Infinity Wand. She tries to turn Thanos and his minions to dust, but he stops her with his own Wand. Once again, two Infinity Wands clash. Carol's holding it against Thanos good, but one of the grape f**ker's minions delivers a cheap blast to her back, sending Carol spinning into the air, and the red Infinity Wand into Thanos's outstretched hand. The purple Dark Lord now wields both Infinity Wands. Worthy Thor raises Mjolnir, now in hammer form (it can switch between hammer and broom), in one hand, and Stormbreaker in the other, hoping his two weapons might be at least a momentary match for the two Infinity Wands. Unfortunately, Thanos instantly blasts Mjolnir out of Thor's hand, though Thor manages to keep a hold of the ax. A corny Mexican tune suddenly honks through the battlefield. Ant-Man's three friends are back, and they've made a quick heist on the way to the courtyard. They're flying in on their magical musical carpet. "Hey Scotty," Luis bellows, "Sorry we're late. Here, this thing's like a magical-sword vending machine or something, right?" And he tosses down the Sorting Hat. Scott, currently a giant ant, fails to catch the hat in his whale-sized pincers. But Janet Van Dyne flies by and grabs the Sorting Hat. Her daughter, in miniature-pixy form, soars into the Hat. Hope comes out, full-sized, wielding a Japanese-styled Katnana, with an elegant bronze handle shaped like an eagle, encrusted with sapphires: the Sword of Ravenclaw. Janet tosses the Hat down to Sam Wilson, yelling, "Pass it around!" Sam pulls out the Sword of Hufflepuff. "Isn't this yours?" he asks Clint, who refuses it. "I got my arrows." Clint says, blasting his arrow spells from his wand like a machine gun. Sam gives a curt nod. The young animagus then takes his Falcon form, clutching the sword in his talons, and tossing the Sorting Hat to Nebula. The blue chimera draws the silver, serpentine Sword of Slytherin--once her sister Gamora's personal weapon. Rhodey swoops by on his broom, slapping the Hat into the air with his merman-tail, and in midair, drawing the Sword of Gryffindor. There is one last weapon to be picked up. Mjolnir is lifted from the ground, with a clash of thunder. Steve Rogers is finally worthy to lift Mjolnir, now that he has finally owned all of his past faults and grown out of previous shallow idea of heroism, in a well-done arc that the audience saw in detail and didn't have to head-canon up for themselves (smashes computer and tosses it out the window). Everyone is now armed with some uniquely badass weapon, gathered behind the Cap. Holding the hammer and shield, Steve finally bellows, "Avengers, assemble!" Scott Lang is now in his largest Ant-Nimagus form, putting Them! to shame, tossing Thanos's minions aside like action figures. Assisting him is the Giant Squid. Hope speeds through the field with Ravenclaw's Katana like a samurai Tinkerbell, sending heads flying. Ava Starr runs through a string of Thanos's minions, ripping out their hearts as she does, making a bloody set of dominoes. She tries doing the same to Thanos, but his Infinity Wand makes it impossible for her to go through his body. Scott has also learned that the "going up Thanos's ass" trick won't work, since it turns out that Titans have no assholes. So he continues to kick ass as a giant ant. Pepper and Tony fight side by side on their badass Iron-brooms with the badass Iron-wands. Groot does his vine-of-death thing. Venom eats bad guys, while in the shape of a sexy woman. Bucky and Rocket are being closed in by a circle of Thanos's minions. So Bucky lets Rocket remove his metal arm. Bucky fights the foes in front of him with his human fist, wand, and vampire teeth, while Rocket rides the enchanted armor-arm like a broom, steering it towards villains that it strangles, punches, or pokes the eyeballs out of. (Bucky can control his arm even when it isn't attached to him.) Wanda Maximoff flies over (no broom required) to help Steve and Thor. The latter two hold off the blast from the red Infinity Wand, Cap using his shield and Mjolnir, and Thor using Stormbreaker and his other bare hand. Wanda Maximoff hisses at Thanos, "You took everything from me!" and with her bare hands, contains the original gold Infinity Wand with her scarlet magic. She puts all her effort into destroying it, with the image of Vision strong in her mind (har, har). She manages to make Thanos's Mind Stone crack, just a tad, and out of the crack flies the ghost of her lover. Tears well up in Wanda's eyes, but she doesn't let go. The ghosts of Gamora, Natasha and Vision join Wanda, each taking a hold of the wand and crushing as hard as their ghostly hands can manage. Finally, Thanos's Infinity Wand is destroyed in an explosion of light, that knocks everyone in a hundred mile radius to the ground. Inevitable There is one Infininty Wand left now. It is sitting in the middle of the courtyard. Thanos and Tony both make a dive for it. As they struggle over the wand, Thanos sneers, "I will destroy this universe down to the last molecule, and create a new one in its place." "They'll never accept you!" Tony snaps. "They'll never know." Tony's face says it all. After everything he's experienced, that is indeed a loaded phrase for Tony to hear. Thanos throws Tony off, knocking him into the castle wall. "I am inevitable!" he says raising his wand....only to realize he has no wand. Tony, bruised and bloodied, pushes himself up, and holds up the red Infinity Wand. "And I...am...Iron Man." No incantations are required for this killing curse; just pure unstoppable will. Thanos's fat purple jaw drops as his minions crumble to dust around him. The Titan's own will and power being abnormally strong, he resists the Dusting for a few moments of struggle. But then, both Gamoras--the ghost that emerged from the Infinity Wands, and the physical version from the past--leap at their "father" from opposite directions, the latter now wielding the Sword of Slytheirn. Past-Gamora stabs Thanos through the heart, and says just loud enough for him to hear, "For my real parents." Before he dies, Thanos sees himself in a field, facing a young Gamora, the child he orphaned and kidnapped all those years ago. "You love nothing," the green child says locking eyes with him. "And so you have nothing. You are nothing." She, the field, and Thanos's entire universe disintegrate, as the Titan crumbles into a pile of ash. You Promised When the dust settles, there is only one Gamora. The Infinity-Ghost has merged with the past body. She shakily rises to her feet, tears falling down her green face. "Gamora!" Peter Quill, who hasn't had a chance to speak to her yet, tears across the field to her. For a moment, it looks like they're about to kiss. Gamora chokes, "Peter..." and then knees him in the balls. She finishes with a hiss, "You promised!" Clutching his shattered bludgers, Quill retorts in a strained voice, "Hypocrite!" He is referring to the fact that Gamora couldn't sacrifice her sister to keep the Stone from Thanos. Gamora makes an admitting face, helps him up, and now they kiss. ...Mr. Stark? "We won!" Peter Parker shakes a barely conscious Tony, who is slumped against the castle wall. Half of Tony's face is burned, and the blue light from his chest amulet is flickering. "Sir! Can you hear me?" Everyone is crowded around Antonius Stark. It's unbelievable that an ordinary human wizard, with no extra powers, was able to wield the Infinity Wand at all, much less still be even a little bit alive after doing so. Tony's willpower is abnormally strong, even for a Slytherin. There was a reason he had Thanos's "respect." Pepper knows Tony literally will not rest, in any sense of the word, until he knows everyone is safe. "Tony, we're all gonna be fine." Pepper says keeling beside him. "You can rest now." The light goes out. Not our Steve! Tony is rushed to Wakanda. He has been declared "dead," but magical medicine is improving every day. Meanwhile, someone needs to return the remaining Infinity Stones to their proper time periods, to keep the timeline in tact. Since Steve Rogers is the only Avenger bland enough not to draw any attention to himself even if he tried, he is the perfect candidate. "Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone," Steve says to Bucky. "How can I," Bucky repeats, "You're taking all the stupid with you." Steve strides through the veil into the Spirit Realm, to begin his Time Travel.... ...and he doesn't come back when he's supposed to. "I don't know what happened!" Professor Wolf says in dismay. "He just missed his jump..." Sam notices someone on a nearby bench, and breathes to himself, "Oh, hell no...."

The old wizard sitting on the bench is hunched and wrinkled, and has a long old-wizard beard tied with an American flag styled bow.

“S-Steve?” Sam stammers. “WTF?”

The old wizard smiles. “I decided to try that 'life' thing Tony was always telling me about. So I stayed in my old timeline and got married to the woman of my dreams.” "Peggy?" Sam exclaimed. "She had her own full life after you! She had a husband and kids! I think her husband was a one-legged veteran! You're telling me you stole a one-legged vet's wife and erased their kids, so you could have a woman you kissed once 70 years ago?" "Maybe the one-legged vet wasn't ever her husband." Old-Steve retorts. "Maybe it was me, all along!"

Bucky interjects, “I don’t suppose in all those years you were with Peggy, you found any time to save me from being Hydra’s puppet, or being forced to kill all those people, like Howard and his wife?”

“Erm…" Old-Steve shifts on the bench.

“Speaking of Tony,” Bruce Banner growls, “Were you able to use this opportunity of time travel to bring him, Natasha, Vision, and all our other fallen comrades back?”

“I mustn't alter the timeline, fellas.” Old-Steve replies.

“Hey wait a sec,” Sam says, “You spent 70 years letting your wife clock into the Order of the SHIELD knowing the whole time she was working for Hydra and not even knowing it?”

“Temporal Prime Directive,” Old-Steve grunts.

Bruce, clenching his green furry fists, asks, “So did you ever bob your niece on your knee? You know, the one you snogged?”

“Adam and Eve were brother and sister.” Steve defends simply.

Bucky exclaims, "You couldn't use this time-travel to save anybody from any of the horrible things you witnessed over 70 years, but you were fine erasing Peggy and Daniel's kids?!"

"See," Old-Steve held up a hand to explain. “When we travel back in time, it makes a new timeline. So you don’t know for a fact that any of those awful implications are even true at all. I might have saved all of you in that other timeline I created, and stopped Bucky from becoming the Winter Soldier, and Tony from becoming an orphan--" "And abandoned me for a better version of me?" Bucky finishes.

Before Steve can reply, Bruce demands, “If it’s another timeline then how’d you get back to this one? That cop out doesn't work at all Steve!”

A familiar voice interrupts, "Seriously you guys? You really think that thing could ever be me?”

The real Steve Rogers–still the same age as he was when he went to return the stones–enters the field, his face crestfallen. “How could any of you believe that this bastardization with my face is the real Steve Rogers, even for half a second?”

Sam mutters, “Well it wouldn’t be the first time you were wildly out of character….” "WE WERE ALL DRUNK DURING THE CIVIL WAR QUIDDITCH MATCH!" (real) Steve exclaims. "Can't I ever live that down?" The false-Steve says, "No, but you can live with Peggy, in the past. The opportunity is still there, Rogers." Another familiar, snarkier, voice cuts in: "Hold on, I've got the remote." Tony Stark comes up behind Steve, half his face scarred with burns, and one of his robe sleeves flying emptily. In his remaining hand, his red Iron-wand is pointed at the impostor. "RIDDICULOUS!"

The old-Steve transforms into a younger Steve, dancing around the field wearing only a whipped cream bra and briefs.

Here's What Really Happened “A boggart!” a dazed Bruce realizes, watching the false "Steve" do a slow strip tease. “But it’s usually the moon for me…”

“Mine’s the Winter Soldier,” Bucky muses.

Sam finishes, “And mine’s a copy of the ‘Star Wars’ Christmas Special." "But all three of you were standing so close together," Natasha Romanoff--very much alive--enters behind Tony and Steve, arms folded. "So it had to take a form that would horrify you all at once." Bruce breaks out of his daze, and barrels into Tony and Nat with a giant furry green hug. "Nat! Tony!...how?" "Same as Gamora," Nat says, returning the hug. "I came out when the two Infinity Wands clashed. Steve made one tiny change in the timeline when returning the stones, to bring me a body. I have memories of falling to my death, even feeling my body hit the ground. But I also remember Steve popping out of a portal just before I fell to my death, and watching him have a badass duel with Red Skull. It's like waking up from a dream and not knowing what to believe." Tony pointed at her. "Don't go stealing lines from underrated movies like 'Frequency!'" turning to Bruce he explains, "I guess when I slaughtered Thanos's minions, I accidentally turned my amulet into a horcrux. I'm down one arm, but Shuri was able to pump some new life into my body with some donated vampire blood from Bucky and Carol, and as long as I keep this thing on, I'll mostly stay in one piece. But I can also take it off and turn into Tony the Unfriendly Ghost. It's pretty sweet, in an existentially horrifying way." "Don't lie Tones," Nat elbows him. "You'd never miss a chance to be the epitome of both angst and scientific advancement."

"Then...everyone's back?" Sam asks. "Not everyone," Wanda replies heavily, entering the field. Next to her is Princess Shuri. "The Mind Stone from Tony's Infinity Wand had to be returned to its original time period," Suri begins. "The Mind Stone from ours is destroyed, with the rest of Thanos's Infinity Wand. I tried to save him, I was sure he could live without the stone...." "It was always highly experimental," Wanda finishes. After some grieving, the Order of the Avengers all go out to the Three Broomsticks for a bittersweet dinner and round of drinks.

Epilogue: Tony Stark has finally found the perfect job for him, as the Defense Against the Dark Arts Teachers of Hogwarts. Tony was born for the job, on its two most important grounds: Iron Man is obviously the epitome of "defense against the dark arts;" and since being a D.A.D.A. teacher always means suffering some horrible fate at the end of the semester, this too is Tony's life in a nutshell. No teacher before has been willing to return for another semester, after ending their first one memory-wiped, disintegrated, locked in a chest, or soul-sucked by a Dementor. But for Tony, such things are the story of his life. He always has the summer to recuperate. He also has a new magical red-and-gold armor-arm, so that keeps him pretty entertained. More important though, he has Morgan and Pepper. "I love you 3000." Steve Rogers decides to indeed "try that life thing Tony's always talking about," but without ****ing the timeline. He returns to his home country, and coaches Quadpod (the explosive American version of Quidditch), at Ilvermorny School of Magic. Either Sam or Bucky will carry on his moniker as Captain America, and his embarrassing portrait in the Gryffindor Quidditch pit will carry on his inspirational speeches and moral lectures. Thor plans to find a proper new home for his people. Joining the Guardians of the Realm, he is on the lookout for any unclaimed mountain range or forest that can be called New Asgard. In the meantime, he has left Valkyrie in his stead, back at their burrow in Hogsmede. Nat is teaching Transfiguration, and Clint, Magical Archery. And "Professor Wolf" is in the dungeons, teaching Potions. Bruce can alternate between any of his three forms at will, and actually tends to teach in his boring, adorkable human form (with only the green tail). After curing Bucky's mind-control, almost saving Vision's life, and curing Everett Ross's near-fatal wounds in hours, Shuri finally has managed to fix Rhodey's legs. He has spent the last month going through the very long list of "asses that need kicking" that he's been accumulating since his accident. Wanda and Bucky are growing close, though Ava might make it a love triangle. Or she might simply be the couple's "little sister." Tony and Shuri are constantly competing to give Bucky a better new arm every month, and Bucky is... (cough)...stockpiling arms. (Dodges tomatoes.) Bucky, Tony and Nebula regularly have magical metal arm-wrestling contests. Bucky, Tony and Wanda are also all extremely protective of each other, after their guilt complexes regarding one another. Carol Danvers continues to patrol the non-Human societies of the planet, and is now dating Valkyrie. And Peter Parker is preparing for a trip abroad, and graduation. He's scared of adulthood, of no longer being dependent on Aunt May or Mr. Stark, but he will take it in stride. Notes: Willikers! Holy mustache! This was a trip. To honestly justify each characters' Sorting, I have to stick to their main defining moments in canon. I basically decided to keep the most iconic scenes of "Endgame," while giving it a better plot and climax. And ending. By god, the ending. By god, Steve Rogers. Many people online peg Steve for a Slytherin, and by the last scene of "Endgame," he seems every bit like a Rowling-esque, self-serving Slytherin bastard. I have only two arguments for still sorting him into Gryffindor. (1) the Sorting Hat never said Slytherins were selfish; just ambitious, cunning, and power-hungry. Steve's selfish actions in "Endgame" could just as easily be the result of a Gryffindor's impulsive stupidity and self importance. (2) Steve can be literally any House you want, because Steve has no consistent character at all. Not in the MCU. For this project, I chose to sort Steve going by the traits the films indented for us to see in him, and used as many mental gymnastics as I could manage to rationalize those traits with his actions in canon. I am nowhere near done with this series. I still have all of the supporting cast of "Black Panther" among other things. In the meantime, see the blog for more MCU characters at Hogwarts.

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justafangirlwithideas · 6 years

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This is a fic I wrote as part of a collab with @ribbitsplace . I then also pulled in @thepurplewarlock , because I’ve never worked with her before, and I also really needed someone to help motivate me to write this. Thank you so much for helping Becca!! The timeline doesn’t really matter, but I guess you can imagine it takes place some time after Mark returns, but before LoS. So I hope you all enjoy some cute Julian and Mark!

Julian was not a very optimistic person, so when Mark got sick, his first thoughts were rather cynical. However, Julian's life had taught him to find pleasure in the smallest things, so at least he could enjoy the simple blessing that of all the times Mark could have gotten sick it was this rather uneventful week.

Of course, it didn't remain uneventful for long, although it was a different kind of chaotic Jules was used to. It was the kind of chaotic that reminded him of the scene in the first Harry Potter movie when it rained Hogwarts letters. Not that he had seen that movie, of course. He was a shadowhunter; they weren't even supposed to be aware of pop culture. But as he saw The List turn up seemingly everywhere, he was reminded more and more of that one scene in Harry Potter.

The List was a phenomenon started by the two youngest Blackthorn sisters when Mark returned from Faerie. Essentially, it was a list of all the big things in pop culture that Mark had missed in his five years away. The original copy of The List hung by Mark’s door, a pen hanging by it so anyone could add to it. There was also a digital copy though, that he often saw Livvy update on her phone. It was printed out versions of this digital copy that had seemed to turn up everywhere Julian was these past few days, since Mark had become ill.

So here he stood, outside Mark's door, the laptop Livvy had given him for his birthday in his hand. He was scanning The List, but he already knew his starting point. If he was going to do this, he might as well get as much fun as possible out of it himself. He would enjoy this, and Livvy’s face when she heard would be even better.

He threw open the door and felt his features morph into the easy expression he put up around the younger ones. Yet he couldn't hide the worry that flickered across his face when he saw Mark, pale skin almost translucent, sweating in his bed.

“Guess what? We're making a start on The List! Up first, the MCU. And you get to watch the best one first, lucky you,” he grinned.

Julian settled himself next to his brother on the bed, careful not to disturb him too much. When their arms brushed, Julian felt Mark burn, and suppressed the uneasy shiver that went through them. It was just the flu. Understandable, since Mark had spent so long in such a different environment.

“Alright, Mark, you are about to experience the wonder that is Iron Man. Enjoy!” He pulled the laptop towards him, set the movie up, and hit play.

Mark was completely entranced by the movie, and Julian couldn't quite tell whether he was surprised or not. He thought the...old Mark would have been into the technology and the fight scenes, but the Mark that had returned from Faerie did not quite get along with anything too modern. He seemed to grow fond of Tony throughout the movie though, and had admitted to being in awe of Pepper.

Whatever the reason was, Julian was pleased. Another Blackthorn on his side in this endless discussion of “who's the best avenger?”. Never mind that Mark hadn't quite seen the other avengers yet.

Jules pulled the computer towards himself and started setting up the next movie. He smiled to himself as he saw what it was. Mark had only just missed this movie as well. It had provided a momentary distraction for the Blackthorns after the Dark War.

“Another movie?” Mark said when he saw the High School Musical: Senior Year poster appear on screen.

“You do realise there six movies in the MCU that I could have made you watch, right? Because that's what the list says: watch all MCU movies. It also says you have to take Livvy and Dru to Iron Man 3 next year, but that's not the point. Honestly, you should be happy we only watched the first Iron Man.”

At that moment Livvy ran past Mark's open door, but she stopped dead in her tracks when she heard the conversation going on inside. “What? You only showed him Iron Man?” Livvy sounded incredulous. “And then you'd try to tell us Iron Man is his favourite avenger, right? Because he doesn't know any others.”

Jules was torn between defending himself and… well, not lying. Because he had kind of been thinking that.

“I did like Tony Stark. He reminds me a little of you, Jules. And Emma, because he's all,” Mark made some vague hand movement that looked like it cost him all of his energy, “funny and sarcastic.” The rest of his words came out slurred, a sure sign of the effort it cost him in his state.

Mock rage barely concealed Julian’s smile. “Are you saying I'm not funny?”

Mark grumbled in return, which really could have meant anything. A laugh escaped Julian and he let his hands come through Mark’s sweaty curls as if he were Tavvy. Looking up, he saw Livvy still leaning against the door frame, smiling softly. When he caught her eye she came over and pressed a kiss to Mark's head.

“Another movie sounds like a great idea. A good way to rest a while. I recommend the first Cap movie,” she grinned.

“Sorry, no can't do. I promised Dru I'd take Tavvy off her hands for a while, so we're watching the third High School Musical. It's on the list as well so you can't argue.” Livvy laughed but didn’t argue as she disappeared out the door.

“Dru's not watching with us?” Marks eyes were big, as if suddenly surprised. “But these are her movies!”

And all of a sudden, Julian was transported to the past. To simpler times, when Mark was the older brother. When Julian’s only job was to annoy Mark and tease Emma. He saw Mark in front of the TV, a young Dru bouncing on his knee as they watched High School Musical. In the memory Julian could see Mark mouthing along to the words and he could practically hear Dru's blabbering. They had all watched those movies a million times with Dru. Mark was right, these were her movies.

Right that moment, Dru materialised in the doorframe, Tavvy beside her. She was clearly about to run off when Mark asked her to stay. Julian saw the conflict on her face: the horror movie she was going to watch versus a sick Mark and High School Musical, which Jules knew she still has a soft spot for. Eventually she joined her three brothers on the bed.

They barely all fit on the bed and Mark’s skin was uncomfortably hot against his own while on his other side Tavvy couldn’t seem to sit still. Yet the four of them seemed to be transformed to a happier place while sitting there. A place where Mark wasn’t sick, Helen was closer, demons didn’t exist… Tavvy tried to sing along though he barely knew the lyrics, and Julian definitely didn’t miss Dru mouthing all the words to the songs. He knew a smile was plastered on his own face, though whether because of the movie or his family, he couldn’t quite tell.

Once the movie had finished and Julian had sent Tavvy and Dru off to get themselves some lunch, Jules made a point out of giving Mark a dose of all the flu medicine he’d gotten together. He still looked rough, but he seemed better than he had done that morning and his skin burned a little less. Mark had made a half-hearted attempt to argue he felt good enough to return to daily business, but one raised eyebrow from Jules had sent him back to bed. Julian scoffed; Mark could barely stand. Besides, there were still some things on The List he wanted to work through. Checking his sisters’ list to see what he still needed to introduce to his brother, he smiled slightly on seeing that the next thing on his list was silly bandz.

Thankfully he’d bought a few packs for Tavvy recently, who’d become fascinated with them since they had become suddenly popular. Not wanting to give them all to his youngest sibling at once, he’d put some aside, which turned out to be an even better decision than he had originally realised once he thought of how excited Mark would be opening a new pack. Excusing himself to go grab a few, he quickly returned to Mark with a collection of different packs.

Mark glanced over to Jules as he stepped back into the room. “So what is the next thing our sisters have decided I need to catch up on?” he asked smiling, before breaking into a fit of coughs. Jules patted him on the back carefully, waiting until the coughing had resided before throwing a packet at him. Mark picked a packet up, confusion clear on his face.

“They’re called silly bandz,” Jules explained. Of course, that didn’t really do anything to ease Mark’s confusion, which, despite himself, made Jules smile slightly. “Open the packet,” was all he said.

Mark did as told, and dropped the contents into his hand. The assortment of brightly coloured, differently shaped bands seemed to do little to impress Mark though, and Julian had to suppress a grin as Mark picked one up and inspected it closely. It was very obvious that Mark didn’t seem all that impressed, so Jules decided to play the sibling card. “Before you pass judgement, you ought to know that your youngest brother is obsessed with them, and two of your sisters wanted to make sure you experienced them.”

That seemed to do it for Mark, and he picked out a few green and red ones to put on his wrist, before asking “Then why are you not wearing any, brother?”

Jules couldn’t help but kick himself for thinking he had gotten away with it. So far Tavvy hadn’t asked, which Julian was thankful for. He knew that if he ever put one on, he wouldn’t be able to take it off until Tavvy got over his silly bandz phase, both because he would ask Jules where the bands had disappeared to and because Jules knew he wouldn’t have the heart to take them off in the first place. He sighed and held his own packet up, as if to say “mine are here”. Mark raised an eyebrow at Jules, making it very clear that he would not let the matter drop until he’d put his own coloured bands on his own wrist. Yes, his siblings could be a little strange or persistent or weird or even annoying, but Jules wouldn’t change them for the world.

“Do we have any more on The List for today, or were these band things the last of what Livvy and Dru wanted me to catch up on?” Mark asked, satisfied with the fact Jules was now also wearing the colourful monstrosities on his wrist.

“No, there is one more thing...” Jules said half reluctantly, torn between laughing and sighing. “They….they want you to listen to Justin Bieber.”

Mark caught on to his brother’s hesitation. “Is that such a bad thing?” asked Mark and Julian grimly nodded.

“Wait till you hear it day in day out when Livvy is in one of her moods. Or even better, when Emma plays it non-stop. But I'll let you make up your own mind,” Jules said before pulling his phone out and going onto YouTube.

He got through three songs before Mark had decided he agreed with his brother and asked Jules to stop the music, much to Jules’ delight. “I think I am too used to faerie music,” Mark admitted before coughing again. Jules knew of faerie music and what it could do to someone, and if Mark seemed to prefer that over Bieber, then that had to mean something.

“Livvy and Dru are both quite taken by him. And for some reason so is Emma, and the rest of the world. Thank the angel no-one this house is a super fan, but Dru has shown me videos.” Jules said, and Mark somehow seemed to look even more unwell.

“Once I am better we must rescue them before their brains turn to mush,” Mark said and Jules couldn't quite tell if he was joking, being dramatic or being dead serious. Either way, he thought it might be the best thing he’d heard all day. “I’d like that, Mark,” was all he said, but he was grinning.

Having gone through everything on The List that he had meant to, Jules decided to let Mark sleep. Despite Mark’s protests, he was still ill and needed to get better soon. Not that Julian would mind another day like this. Especially the movies had brought back memories of his family, happy and at ease, and best of all he was creating more of those memories.

A quick check on Mark ten minutes later showed Jules that his older brother was fast asleep. He’d enjoyed spending time with Mark, but it was more than that as well. He had needed a day like this, enjoying himself. He thanked Mark for giving it to him in his head, and quietly sent out a quick thanks to Livvy and Dru as well for the crazy List. He made a silent promise to both himself and Mark that he’d try and make more of an effort to spend more time with him, not as Shadowhunters but as brothers.

#hope you enjoyed #its longer than expected #tda #the dark artifices #mark blackthorn #julian blackthorn #tsc #my writing #collab

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3one3 · 7 years

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The Sequel - 814

Fish Store

André Schürrle, Juan Mata, other Chelsea/BVB players, and random awesome OC’s (okay they’re less random now but they’re still pretty awesome)

original epic tale

all chapters of The Sequel

“Hi hello good afternoon! No you don’t have to call me back.”

“I can if it’s important.”

“This is fine. I just called because I was chopping food and speakerphone is easier than texting. I’ve already eaten the food now. Can I come to the beach next week?”

“When next week?”

“The middle. Or the end.”

“That doesn’t really narrow it down.”

“TWT or FSS but I have to leave in the morning on S. Are you going there or do you have other plans? Schü is with DFB and I want a mini break before WCF.”

“I have to do a thing in Berlin in Tue. I was going to spend a few days there instead of the beach but I can do both.”

“Is anyone going to Berlin with you?”

“Toni, but that can change. Would you like to meet me there and be my translator around town? :) Or do you need the beach?”

“I need *you*. Location not important.”

“Are you ok?”

“Mhm I just know I’m gonna miss you by then and I’ll want to see you before I go to the WCF.”

“Meet me in Berlin Tue evening and we can be tourists for 2 days.”

“K!” About 12 seconds after she sighed with relief and put her phone down, Christina heard André announce his presence in her cozy viewing lounge.

“Anybody home?” he called from by the door, which was in a de facto little hallway made by the glass on one side and the dividing wall for the “cafe” on the other. His girl held her hand up so he could see her. Zoe found the most squishy, rider-swallowing sofa in the entire world to put right up by the windows, which were floor to ceiling in the middle of the room so that one could sink into said couch and still be able to see what was happening in the indoor ring. Christina was laying on it though, and the arms were very tall, so no one could see her there without getting closer. She had a brand new burgundy, monogrammed throw pillow for her head and shoulders, and two very sleepy Toy Fox Terriers in their little coats for her lap. André leaned over the back of the black leather couch to kiss her hello. “Were you napping?” he questioned. No one was riding in the ring below.

“No, I was sulking.” His wife turned her lower lip over and moved her hand from Spencer’s head so that he could pet him too. “Dirk is hurt. Not very hurt. Just a little hurt. Temporarily hurt. But hurt enough that I can’t take him to Omaha.”

Oh for fuck’s sake, the footballer groaned inside under the influence of snap panic. The only thing that could possibly make our situation harder right now is the horse being injured. The world is going to end. This is a disaster. This is-

“Do you want a latte? Or a martini? We have the possibility of both now with the professional espresso machine and the full bar,” Christina pointed out somewhere between sarcasm and resignation. She liked her lounge. There was a nice refrigerator and freezer, a microwave, a blender, the espresso machine, a coffee maker, a full size sink, a drawer full of utensils, cabinets with coffee mugs, plates, and bowls, and even a dishwasher with which to clean all that stuff. There were two square tables for 4, and a wet bar area with a counter and 4 stools. A comfy reclining chair accompanied the couch by the windows, and then there was another sitting area at the far end of the room with two more sofas, a couple of upholstered chairs, coffee and end tables, and even a TV. The walls were burgundy with 12” crisp white adidas stripes at about eye level, and full of poster-size photos, actual posters or framed and matted advertisements and magazine features, and shelves heavy with the spoils of competition. The sheer number of trophies around the large room made Christina feel self-conscious, because all that silverware on show said “major bragging” to her. Zoe insisted on displaying everything.

“No. Are you okay?” André reached to the right to pet Lucky too, who was closer to his mom’s knees. Both dogs were shedding white hair all over her navy breeches and black knee socks, even with their coats on. The effect of Dirk’s injury on her was of much more concern to their dad than her tidiness. She looks awfully relaxed here though, he decided after taking in her state.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just bummed. I wanted him to get to go to a final on his own, without the team. He doesn’t have many chances left, probably. Do you want to sit? I’m willing to lift my legs so you can share this couch with me, but just know they’re coming right back down in your lap if you do. My knee is kiiiiiillling me.” The rider really was okay with her prized stallion’s situation. She was being honest with him, not just pretending, or trying to hide her feelings for his benefit. Also, she was too tired to be upset.

“Why aren’t you icing it?” Her partner moved his hand to the inside of her right knee, over the synthetic suede knee patch part of her breeches, and gently palpated it.

“Puppies like warm laps, not ice.”

“What’s with Dirk? How did he get hurt?”

“Bad step, probably. There’s some swelling in one of his fetlocks. He jogs sound but he didn’t feel right when I got on him. Tom is sure it’ll go down with poulticing. We gave him some horsey Tylenol and he’ll have a few days off with cold hosing and poultice and then we’ll see. I’m not worried. This is too close to feel good about taking him to the Final though, so I changed my entry already,” Christina explained while playing with the unfinished end of her long braid. She believed the couch had claimed her as its own, and was fine with that. There was no desire within her to ever get up, or move other than to pet her pets, put her hands in her track jacket pockets, or rest them on her chest. Her hair ended up there and she could play with it without having to move much. “Rio gets a chance to defend his title. I don’t know if any horse has ever won the World Cup back to back,” she added with a thoughtful and curious lilt.

“There is something you don’t know?”

“Shut up.”

“Do you still want to take Mausi to a fish store today?”

“You’re funny,” she giggled. Who says “fish store”? You go to a pet supply store, or an aquarium supply store even. Maybe in German it’s literally a fish store. She enjoyed the curious and confused look on André’s face while he tried to figure out what she thought was funny, and also how much better he looked since having taken his beard down a notch that morning after her extensive campaigning to get him to shave. He was much more handsome to her when she could see more of his face instead of a dead ginger colored animal clinging underneath it. “I don’t think Luke wants to go anywhere. I just had lunch with him a little while ago and he still seems kinda under the weather. He wasn’t very hungry, or at least not for veggies and chicken and millet. Espen said he just wants to nap and watch TV or hear stories. I have one more lesson to do and then I was gonna go hang with him.”

“When is your lesson?”

“Momentarily.”

“Do you think I should go check on him, or can I sit in the middle of the ring and try to talk to you while you try to teach?”

“I think he’s fine with Espen, babe. He’s better off, from a wellness point of view, with a paid professional than with his noob dad. I don’t really care though. You’re welcome to stay and be bored.”

André was happy to remain and be bored. He made a to-go cup of tea to bring down with him when the resident trainer put her sneakers back on and shooed the dogs down the stairs, around the corner, through the hall, and back into the barn. Footballers were allowed in the indoor, but not terriers. The one who paid for the indoor sat on a jump in there and talked to her whenever she wasn’t telling Stefanie what to do with Julian. He did that before in London sometimes. Sometimes the lesson plan dictated that Christina was going to be talking the entire time, and there was no point in him hanging out. Sometimes the exercise involved more observing and then giving comments or advice sporadically, and she was more than capable of having a conversation about something unrelated while studiously examining every stride and hand movement. Something they talked about that afternoon during the lesson was her plan to spend two nights in Berlin with Juan. That made the player less happy, but not enough to complain. He hoped she’d go to Germany’s friendly on that Wednesday since it was happening right at the Westfalenstadion. She said she probably wouldn’t have gone anyway because it was just a friendly and had “terrible game” written all over it. Whenever the team came together for just one training session before a match, it was indeed a signal that the contest wasn’t very important and probably wouldn’t turn into an all time great.

Better than hanging out during Stefanie’s lesson was hanging out as a family at home afterward. Espen was relieved from duty and the lethargic little prince of the new castle spent his evening alternating between resting on one parent and two, depending on in which way they were resting on each other. They watched a 1981 comedy starring Bill Murray, John Candy, and Harold Ramis, about some friends who join the army. Everyone got rubs. Christina got ankle and knee rubs. Lukas got back rubs. André got head rubs. No one wanted to get up to make dinner. It was supposed to be steak and sweet potato taco night. The blonde boys had to gang up on their chef to get her out bed to do the grilling and the avocado smashing, and then she had to go wake them up to do the eating. André and Christina teamed up for story time. They did a shortened, semi-modernized version of Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet, and split up the parts. The rider was better at conjuring different characters for the female roles than the player was at making up different voices and personalities for the male ones. Lukas surely didn’t understand most of what was said, regardless of the acting. He enjoyed it nevertheless, and it did put him to sleep on time.

“Are you going to read to me now?” André yawned when Christina returned to bed after transferring the child to his crib. Bed was base camp for the entire family for about 6 hours, and that was perfect. That was all he wanted on a cold and gray weekday. His girl was okay with it too, and without a literal acknowledgment to herself that a day like that was exactly what she needed for things to start feeling right in their relationship again, she was already feeling the effects of that.

“Can we watch the end of Monaco and Man City? And can I lay on you?”

“You’ve been laying on me for half the day. What makes you think you need permission now?”

“Half the day,” Christina snorted whiled crawling into the spot she wanted, between André’s legs. “My day starts a lot earlier than yours. It’s a lot longer.”

“Poor Prinzessin. Her life is soooooo exhausting.”

“You should suggest Bring Your Girl To Work Day to Tuchel, and I’ll try one of your typical days and then you can try one of mine, and we’ll see which is more tiring.”

“I would like that just because I’d get to spend a whole day with you.” He smooched the side of her head while she moved around to find a comfortable position, and it made her pause, and stop. Did I push a wrong button, he wondered, momentarily disheartened and worried that an innocent peck was no longer acceptable. Christina was pushing on both of his thighs to hold herself up, leaning back against him, intending to fold her legs up a little and then settle into the perfect comfy spot. There was no lowering back down.

“Can you flatten a little so I’m still up here?” she asked timidly.

“What do you mean?”

“When you sit up this straight and I sit in the middle then I’m far away from you.”

“You’re literally going to be laying on me...half of you is touching me...”

“No I mean from your face...” She let go of his thigh to bend her arm and hold his left cheek instead, and leaned over her shoulder to kiss the right cheek. He put an arm around her and slid down some so he wasn’t so upright, and her legs unfolded as they arrived at a sort of natural arrangement where the footballer was like a cozy lounge chair and if the rider turned her head and lifted her chin then she could have all the kisses she wanted. And that was why she didn’t want to be far away from her partner’s face. Kiss convenience suddenly mattered. He was correct to remind her that they’d been at close quarters ever since they got home that day, but that closeness didn’t involve any kissing. He caught himself each time he went to instinctively press his lips into some part of her, afraid of the reaction he’d receive. And Christina saved all of her affectionate pecks for Lukas.

“We should have put this on sooner!” His dad was surprised by the score in Monaco. Pep’s City was headed out as it stood, after a lot of back and forth in terms of goals and away goals.

“I hope y’all get Monaco in the next round if they go through. They don’t believe in defending. It’ll be fun since your team doesn’t believe in it either.”

“Hey.”

“The only way your defense could get worse is if Tuchel put you and Dembele at center half.”

“I was once a very good left back.”

“When you were like 14.”

“You were a really good pony rider when you were 14 and you still are, so...”

“I was also really good at tying my shoes and still am, so...”

“If Guardiola’s team can’t outscore them, what makes you think we can?”

“He doesn’t have a Schü,” Christina smiled, patting the arm wrapped around her and holding up one of her breasts. “Or an Auba,” she added under her breath.

“Marco might be back by then.”

“That’s good.” Sort of. For the team. Not for you.

“Mm.”

The pair of football fans watched the remaining 10 or so minutes of the match in silence. The action on the screen was pretty intense. One goal for Manchester City would have changed everything, and nobody watching the Champions League would have bet against it after what they saw Barcelona do to PSG’s 4-goal advantage taken with them to the Nou Camp. Half of the pair wasn’t actually that into the game. She never liked the Manchester City manager, and decided from the moment André turned the match on that his team was not going to stage a comeback- that he was going out, in shame. She nodded off while her lounger watched intently. Happy place or no happy place, trademarked and capitalized or otherwise, he could still be a very nice place to rest. Christina fell asleep in that place the night before too, just rotated 45* to the right. His breathing was comforting and his smell was familiar, and nice to her nose. And the way his arm felt around her, even when he was sleeping and no matter whether it was truly holding onto her or just resting on her person, was incredibly important.

He didn’t hold her like the wife he was obligated to hold at night, or that he was entitled to hold, or that he was simply in the habit of holding. His hold on her was exactly as passive but necessary as hers on Lukas the baby zebra when she slept alone and felt stressed out, and the same as with all the other important stuffed animals that served lengthy residencies in her bed since she was a toddler. André held her like she was the thing that helped him sleep comfortably at night, without any bad dreams or having to figure out where to put his arms. Christina knew how weird it can be to have to find a good arrangement for one’s arms with nothing to holding onto, when you don’t know if you should just fold them in front of you, or tuck one under your pillow, or fold your legs up and sandwich your hands between your thighs, or stick them out straight, or what. All of those options have pitfalls, like numbness, or just a feeling of awkwardness that leads to restlessness that leads to poor sleep. She was accustomed to falling asleep with one arm tucked gently to her body and the other on her partner’s chest or stomach, or having a forearm in front of her own chest to hold onto, or a hand there to engage in some way. Even if the arm didn’t make it in between hers, it could just hang over hers and kind of lock them in so they didn’t want to move around. If the arm and the hand just rested on her hip, or her thigh when she curled up, then she could put hers on top of it and it would stay there as if docked to the other limb. Sometimes she could hold a whole person in her arms and then really not have to figure out what to do with them. Without a partner for bedtime, only a stuffed animal could provide the rider with an easy and comfortable arm solution, and only an easy and comfortable arm solution could make sleeping alone feel all right, or make sleep in general come quickly and peacefully. She felt “not alone” with André’s one arm around her during the match, and that made it easy to nod off.

Most nights, in another time, he would have felt rather inconvenienced by that. Having to keep his legs apart and being unable to straighten them out wasn’t the most comfortable position, and it was early still. Most nights, it would be annoying to get trapped there, and he would shamelessly wake his wife to get freedom to find a more comfortable arrangement, or even to go do something elsewhere, without her. Sometimes he played video games when she went to bed early. Sometimes he just watched TV in another room with the dogs. He thought about that while he watched the post-match breakdown by the pundits who were as eager as Christina to tear Guardiola apart for his team’s performance. “Most nights” hasn’t been a thing for us in over a year, he realized. You can’t have a “most nights” when you don’t have enough nights to distinguish between “most” and “some” or “a few”. It’s nice to be inconvenienced this way when the real “most nights” is wishing there was a girl around to turn your thighs into armrests and pass out on you. When did she switch from white v-necks to black, I wonder. She had one of the white ones on last night, but every other night she’s been home and I’ve been home she has black. Is that like a reflection of her mood? Is she in permanent mourning? It’s too bad I won’t be home tomorrow night. We only seem to have two nights in a row together and we have to spend the first one fighting, or having heinous life conversations. I just want to do nothing with her. Or go on a date! I thought last Sunday was going to be like an all-day date, but she barely talked to me. It was like she went on an all-day date with Mausi and her phone. I can’t believe I won’t see her for a month. Does she understand that I’m upset that I won’t see her for a month even when seeing her is more often unpleasant for me than nice? Doesn’t that count for anything?

André used his girl’s topknot to scratch a little itch on the side of his nose, and considered what to do next. The inconvenience of being made into a lounge chair for a napping beauty was actually really great for the time being. Trapped and immobilized was fine for him since it wasn’t a “most days” situation- it was a rare exception, to be savored. But he didn’t know how long he could remain still and comfortable for the object of most of his problems, and he wanted to do other things with her besides serve as furniture. He wanted to talk more, since they were able to do that. He wanted to work on the affection deficit. He wanted sex too, and not just because he physically missed it. The more Christina went off to do things with Juan, the more André felt he needed to be with her to remind her what they had together, and to reassure himself that they still had it. Part of him was very jealous of the sexual relationship his wife had with his old teammate, and he did know how unusual it is for someone to believe only a fraction of his conscious was worried about something like that. For most people, all of them would be freaking out about it. For most people, he believed, a spouse having any sexual relationship with someone else would be a huge deal. He just accepted it. He encouraged it because he thought it was good for his relationship, and good for Christina. It was getting more and more difficult for him though. Letting his girl hook up with her best friend now and then was fine when they had a vibrant, healthy, happy sex life. Despite her assurances that they weren’t sleeping together that often, the Borussia player felt as if that relationship was starting to take the place of his own sexual one with her. That kind of thinking didn’t blend well with his football struggles.

Feeling inadequate and treated like an underperformer at work- at his passion- was not best complemented by the same at home. Two of the things he missed most that night were the authentically appreciative pat on the back from his manager, and the little squeaking sound Christina made when she was maximum-level turned on. He missed contributing value on the pitch and in his sheets. He almost didn’t even miss the feeling of being free from stress and conflict anymore because it had been so long since he experienced it. It was practically forgotten. He wished for it the way one does for something he’s never known, instead. For much of his life, André missed tranquility at work and at home the way Christina missed soda and espresso whenever she tried to drop or cut back on caffeine. He’d come to want that tranquility more like the way 6 or 7-year-old Christina wished to go to The Lost Forest to meet puggles and flying pigs.

What does Prinzessin dream about these days, he wondered as he let the hand on her tummy move a little, to rub gently. Being on an Olympic podium? Riding in the jump off at the World Cup to defend her title? Or more mundane things, like a morning without crunches and side plank dips to maintain these, he considered, a finger following a contouring line down the side of her abs. Playing with penguins? I could see that. I could see her playing on an ice slide with a ton of penguins. She would wear that wool hat with the furry ball on top and it would bounce around when she laughs, which would be the whole time, probably. Her dreams aren’t usually nice though. They’re crazy, and anxiety driven I think. She’s always telling me about having to run or hide from bad guys, or being confused at the airport because she can’t get to the right gate. She hasn’t told me about any dreams in a while. I am torn between wanting her to have a nice dream right now and wanting to tickle her, the footballer thought with the beginnings of a mischievous smirk. It would probably cause World War III. “I’m so tired and you can’t even let me sleep for 5 minutes because you need attention wah wah wah”. I do need attention. What’s wrong with needing attention? Isn’t it flattering when someone wants your attention? I like it when she sits next to me and quietly pokes my arm until I acknowledge her, like a cat touching somebody with his paw and staring. I like when I’m trying to talk to Papa on the phone and she starts taking clothes off and pretending it’s not to get attention, or she walks through the room in some ridiculous underwear like it’s normal to change into a thong for bedtime. I’m quite tired too, André yawned in conclusion. I guess I can stay relatively still for her a while more. No sooner had he prepared to convince his legs to stop complaining about being stuck in their current position did the girl keeping them there begin to move.

“Love you,” Christina murmured sleepily while turning to the left and trying to pull her bare legs up close to her upper body. She wanted his chest for a cheek pillow instead of for the back of her head. Her eyes didn’t want to open, and they didn’t. André took advantage of the opportunity to straighten his legs. He was still going to be stuck in an uncomfortable position, especially since his wife had just managed to wriggle her way to trapping his crotch under her hip, and her feet were pushing flat against his inner thigh.

“What are you dreaming about, Prinzessin?” he inquired.

“Sebastian Vettel,” was the not very awake sounding response.

“Oh.”

“He’s gonna...win in...two weeks. Held.”

Little known fact, the player narrated to the imaginary audience in his head while petting hers. Chris always calls Vettel her hero in German, never “hero” in English, because she saw a VT that the BBC did with German fans for the German Grand Prix forever ago and she thought it was really emotional and a bunch of people in it called him their “held” and now each time he does something impressive, or just impressive to her, like when he’s disappointed with being second even when everyone else is thrilled with what he did, she thinks “mein held”. I hope she starts telling me things like that again. I like the inner workings of her head. I love them, actually. They’re what make her special. I’m happy that she’s having dreams about her hero though. That’s a good sign.

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