you have to go to work so you can pay for your doctor, who is not taking your insurance right now, and if you say i can't afford the doctor's you are told - get a better job. it is very sad that you are unwell, yes, but maybe you should have thought about that before not having a better job.
(where is the better job? who is giving out these better jobs? you are sick, you are hurting - how the hell are you supposed to be well enough for this better job?)
but you go to the doctor because you had the nerve to be hurt or sick or whatever else. and they tell you that it is because you have anxiety. you try your best. you are a self-advocate. you've done the reading (which sometimes pisses them off worse, honestly). you say it is actually adding to my anxiety, it is effecting my quality of life. so they say that you are fat. they say that all young people have this happen to them, isn't it a medical marvel! they say that you should eat more vegetables. they say that you probably just need to lose a little more weight, and that you are faking it for attention.
(what attention could this doctor possibly give? what validation? that's their fucking job, isn't it?)
there is always a hypochondriac, right. someone always tells you about a hypochondriac. or someone who is unnecessarily aggressive during the worst days of their life. or someone looking "for a quick fix". or some idiot who wasn't educated about how to properly care for themselves who just abandons their treatment. and again, the hypochondriac, the overly-cautious hysteric. these people don't deserve to be treated like humans (right), and since you might be one of these people, you also don't get treated like a human. because those people can really fuck with the system, you now have to pay for it. and besides. you're actually probably faking it.
(more often than not, you find a 2:1 ratio of these stories. for every "hypochondriac", there are 2 people who knew something was wrong, and yet nobody could fucking find it. the story often ends with pointless suffering. the story often ends with and now it's too late, and it's going to kill me.)
you are actually just making excuses. someone else got that procedure or that diagnosis and he's fine, you should be fine too. someone else said they watched a documentary about other inspirational people with your exact same condition, maybe you should be inspirational, too. you're just too morbid. your pain and your experience is probably just not statistically concerning. it is all self-reported anyway, and you're just being a baby.
(once, while sitting down in the middle of making coffee, you had the sudden, horrible thought - i could kill myself to make the pain stop. you had to call your best friend after that. had to pet your dog. had to cry about it in the shower. you won't, but that moment - god, fuck. the pain just goes on and on.)
you know someone who went in for routine surgery and said i still feel everything. they told her to just relax. it took her kicking and screaming before they figured out she wasn't lying - the anesthetic drip hadn't been working. you know someone who went in for severe migraines who was told drink water and lose weight. you know someone who was actively bleeding out and throwing up in the ER and was told you're just having a bad period.
in the ER there are always these little posters saying things like "don't wait! get checked today!" and you think about how often you do wait. how often the days spool out. you once waited a full week before seeing the doctor for what you thought was a sprained wrist. it had actually been broken - they had to rebreak it to set it.
but you go into the doctor. the problem you're having is immediate. the person behind the counter frowns and says we're not taking your insurance. you will be paying for this out-of-pocket.
they send you home with tylenol and a little health packet about weight loss or anxiety or attention deficit. on the front it has your birthday and diagnosis. you think about crying, and the words swim. it might as well say go fuck yourself. it might as well say you're a fucking idiot. it might as well say light your money on fire and lie down in it. and the entire fucking time - the problem persists.
it's okay. it's okay, it's just another thing, you think. it's just another thing i have to learn to live with.
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It’s just sad that the existence of Black people will always be deemed “controversial,” and pandering. Like, we can’t ever just simply exist anywhere without being harassed and ridiculed for being alive and included. There always has to be some big conversation about why are we even part of a thing in the first place and the “but what about the ACCURACY-“ crowd screaming at the top of their lungs for air.
And so many Black people are tired. Most of us have become desensitized to such vile because we literally have to in order to survive and move on.
The whole recent bullshit with Yasuke has actually been going on for quite a while now actually. At least on and off. Whenever he’s brought up, the comment section on any post and website regarding his existence and stature as a samurai is usually heavily debated and ridiculed. This is just another occurrence of this.
Francesca Amewudah-Rivers, the actress who plays Juliet in the UK play, only got harassed because of of course, being a Black woman, and because of her White co-star, Tom Holland, being part of the production. No one wouldn’t have even known about the play if it weren’t for him playing Romeo. He’s never publicly came out to use his voice and defend her despite most of the people harassing her being his fans and just white people in general. Nbs and unfortunately, Black men and pick-me’s have been also joining in on the harassment because the hatred of Black women is so potent. And the harassment of Halle Bailey for playing The Little Mermaid…….. Like mosquitoes to a fucking lamp. People will jump at any opportunity to publicly shame Black women for literally no reason. It’s fucking disgusting and we can’t really count on anyone to really defend us outside of other Black women and the lgbt community most of the time. It’s so fucked up, bro.
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Of all the theories as to how Carmilla and her daughters found eachother in Hell (adoption, reuniting after they died, one or all three being Hellborn, ect;), I think my personal favorite is the one where Carmilla was either pregnant when she died or later gave birth to a child she miscarried when she was alive.
But whether or not that’s true, one of my favorite crack theories/headcanons about Carmilla being pregnant in Hell is how absolutely weird the other Overlords would be about it- because let’s be real, they would absolutely be weird about it. Maybe supportive and weird, but weird.
Zestial, nervously following Carmilla around: My darling. My own heart. I beg of thou, please, for just a moment.
Carmilla, still stubbornly walking around in her ridiculously sharp shoes: I’M FINE.
Zestial, who’s been trying to get her to sit down or at least change her shoes for over an hour: 0,_0
Rosie, crouched at her side with a glass of something red and questionable: I’m telling you, honey, just try this. It’ll cure that morning sickness in a jiffy.
Carmilla, curled up on her bathroom floor: …it disturbs me that I’m nauseous enough to actually be considering this.
Zestial comes to her rescue and shoos Rosie out to go make her some (GINGER) tea before Carmilla can do something she’ll regret.
Alastor, gazing suspiciously: Why on earth is your abdomen moving like that? Is something trying to break out?
Carmilla, too exhausted to deal with this: That movement is my baby kicking, Alastor.
Alastor: Pardon? You mean to tell me that one can see that on the outside? Eugh.
Carmilla, glaring at him: You are so lucky you’re not worth getting up for.
- Rosie insists on throwing her a baby shower. Vox and Alastor get kicked out for fighting and are forced to put together the IKEA furniture for the nursery as punishment.
- I seriously doubt this lot can build and work an ultrasound machine, so something like this is likely.
Carmilla, slowly coming to after giving birth: Mmmh…?
Rosie, happily bouncing one baby in her arms: Oh good, she’s up! Congratulations, sweetie. You have two beautiful daughters 🥰
Carmilla: ….
Zestial, who���s gently cradling the other: Carmilla…? Is something the matter?
Carmilla: …there’s really two of them. I thought I was hallucinating.
BONUS:
Fun fact- some scientists say cats have sensitive enough hearing that they can hear babies’ heartbeats within their mother’s bodies.
Husk, staring at Carmilla:
Carmilla, who’s still processing that she’s pregnant and hasn’t begun telling anyone else: …is something wrong?
Husk, ears bristling slightly: h o w m a n y h e a r t s d o y o u h a v e ?
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