#a mother with two kids can love and prioritise them equally

[dollopheadsandclotpoles]

Due to that post I made re: why it's hard for aros/aces to imagine a future for themselves because society tells you a romantic partner will always take priority, a lot of people (aros/aces and allos alike) are sharing stories about how they have been discarded by their close friends and it's breaking my heart. But allos and aspecs coming in and sharing how they have the same amount of love for their partners and their best friends/siblings is healing it.

Still, there are people in the tags saying that aros/aces can "never offer their partners the kind of intimacy they need" and so they shouldn't be "surprised" when they feel closer to partners than their friends. You guys are missing the point.

The point is that we should NOT be ranking our relationships. People aren't there to be ranked on a scale of "This person is my number one and this person comes after that." The point is that you need multiple people in your life. One person cannot - and should not - be responsible for giving you everything you need. Different people will give you different things that you need in life and you should value all of them.

The idea that a romantic partner will give you every single thing you need in life is a toxic idea in itself and puts undue pressure on said partner and the relationship as a whole. A best friend won't give you everything either. You NEED multiple people in your life and they will all give you a part of what you need, but there is no one perfect person out there who perfectly gives you exactly what you want. We need multiple people and they should all be valued by you. Love is not limited.

[jasonpng]

[ jeon jungkook. / male. / he/his. ] i heard han jaesung is going into business with their friends, but the twenty-five year old can’t go wrong with nine other people helping, right? they’re a former sous chef, but will be a chef at joliet bed & breakfast! their insensitive yet dependable personality is pretty fitting for that, i guess. the sight of them gives me the vibe of midnight drive-ins, humming to yourself as you work, a breeze ruffling through a clothesline and that one clip of a deflated dancing pikachu getting hauled off stage, and seeing that running across the sand is pretty sweet.

fabric softener, that one clip of a deflating dancing pikachu getting hauled off-stage, curling up in freshly warmed sheets, sizzling plates, the slow drag of a bow over a violin, bus rides with your head leaned against the window, earphones at full blast, midnight drive-ins, humming to yourself as you work, singing when you think you're alone, the beach at sunrise, a breeze ruffling through a clothesline

hi i’m miki and i’m excited 2 b here!!! this is m’boy jason (or jae, or jaesung) and he’s fairly new SO!!!! smash that like and i’ll come to u for plotting!

the stats

full name: jaesung “jason” han nicknames: jae, jayjay, jason, son, han solo age: 25 birthday: december 12 languages: english, korean, minimal japanese education: institute of culinary education graduate occupation: chef at joliet bed and breakfast, part-time food blogger hobbies: violin, eating, sleeping, collecting rock records, sketching mbti: entp blood type: b+ zodiac: sagittarius hogwarts house: gryffindor alignment: chaotic ANNOYING! sexuality: bisexual drinking, smoking, drugs: yes, yes, only marijuana faceclaim: jeon jungkook likes: rock music, classical music, herbal tea, garlic bread, any food in general, freshly washed sheets, dogs, astronomy, raccoons, coin laundries, anything vintage, horror films and documentaries, fiction books, wildlife, his motorcycle anubis (a super sexy harley davidson…he’s got that bad boy aesthetic going on but he is FAR from being one), his lil hamster bonnie dislikes: birds, horror films, anything scary, bitchy customers, stale coffee, fizzy drinks, people who are rude to service staff, cats (the film), spiders, korea’s educational system, the loch ness monster, soy milk

the biography

—o1. jason grew up in a modern korean household in maryland; his parents are more open-minded than the traditional korean family, so there’s really no dramatic backstory to write. he’s the eldest of three siblings, and they’re pretty much a tight-knit family. while he was encompassed by a totally western environment, his family never failed to remind them of their roots; they would travel to korea every summer to visit his grandparents in seoul.

—o2.  as a child, jason’s favourite past-time was watching his parents cook. his father is a renowned celebrity chef of a five-star restaurant in la, and his mother was the owner of a quaint bakery in ocean city. soon enough, his father was teaching him the basics of cooking. he was a natural, and by high school, he was on his way into becoming a chef like his father. the path to his dream career had been an easy one; his parents were well-known, and through family connections, jason earned himself a spot in one of the best culinary schools in the world: the institute of culinary education.  

—o3. wherever jason went, he was overshadowed by the family name. he loved his parents, he really did, but being the son of joowon han came with a privilege, of sorts. a privilege that he hated. people were convinced that jason only managed to get in ICE was because of his family background. he’d often hear whispers from peers; he was often criticised for depending on his parents—which was true, in a sense. jason didn’t have to worry about anything. while his fellow classmates were worrying over their career paths, he had a sous chef position waiting for him at his father’s restaurant right after graduation.

—o4. being the youngest sous chef in a five-star restaurant was difficult. twenty-one year olds weren’t taken seriously in the kitchen. especially not the head chef’s son, who was fresh out of culinary school and looked so out of place, with his dark leather jacket and ripped jeans. jason struggled the first few months; while  the people were cordial around his father, he had to endure passive-aggressive comments about his privilege behind the scenes. jason wanted to make a name for himself; he didn’t want to be reduced to a celebrity chef’s son who just got lucky. so he worked—he worked and worked and worked until the jealous muttering stopped and he gained the respect of his subordinates.

—o5. after three years into working with his father, the enthusiasm ebbed and jason felt nothing but dissatisfaction. he didn’t want this—he didn’t want to be clinging on to his father for support his entire life. fearing that his passion for cooking will wither if he kept on working at the restaurant, he quit and moved back to maryland, getting a place for himself and eager to learn to stand on his own two feet.

in-depth

—a natural-born leader: working as a sous chef enabled jason to have a great command of handling a team. at first, he had been meek, but through determination and his sheer drive to prove the negative people in his life wrong, he was able to cultivate himself into a good leader. in the kitchen, jason is totally in his element, oozing with confidence and assertiveness.

—the dependable one: jason is organised and he’s the type of person who you can rely on for help. he prioritises his friends and family over anything else. need someone to drive you home? jason’s the guy for you. suffering from a bad hangover? he’s got the perfect hangover shake. you lost your house keys and need a place to stay? jason’s got an extra room in his apartment ready. jason is always making sure his friends are well cared for. and probably also giving them lectures whenever they make questionable choices.

—this bitch is impulsive: as much as jason has his shit together, jason can be impulsive—you might catch him splurging on the new yeezy shoes, or planning a spontaneous, overpriced trip to the bahamas. he likes having fun, and sometimes, that energy gets him into tricky situations. he really likes spending money, and unfortunately, his parents never taught him the important value of thriftiness.

—sometimes he can be harsh: jason had been pampered all throughout his life, and sometimes he disregards other people’s feelings because he is simply oblivious—brutal honesty is a double-edged sword. it takes a lot to piss him off, because he’s rather good at handling his emotions, but when you successfully do, it’s not a pretty sight. he tends to say things he doesn’t mean in the heat of the moment. in addition, jason tends to hold grudges; if someone has done him wrong, you bet your ass he’ll never look at you the same way ever again.

+: energetic, headstrong, intuitive, protective

-: argumentative, insensitive, over-analytical, rash

miscellaneous

— drives around town with his bike! he has a car but it’s parked in his childhood home… he doesn’t really use it that much unless he needs to go out of the state or something

— has a white lil pet hamster named bonnie...she is his CHILD!!!!!! — he has a food blog that he constantly updates for fun; his following is steadily going up... amazin....

— has always been an artsy kid... if he didn’t like cooking so much he would’ve pursued a career in art — always seems to be snacking on something? raw carrots in particular...... — he is also a gym rat! he eats a damn lot, so he’s gotta burn those calories, right? he usually jogs early in the morning and goes to the gym after work — he’s played the violin ever since he was a child! he wants to learn how to play the guitar but he keeps on procrastinating

the wanted connections (if any of these interest you, hit me up! some are more detailed than others but all of them are open to modifications tbh, we can develop them however we want :) feel free to  choose multiple plots..,.,. go crazy)

— vibe check. - sometimes, he forgets to take care of himself and this person!!!! is his mom friend, the terry to his jake peralta, the person he can count on when he’s crossfaded in the middle of nowhere at 3 in the morning. (ivy)

— bff. - the ride or die. the one person jason would literally murder for. he loves them and  considers them as his family. they are 100% with each other and? both are probably equally chaotic sfjldsdjfhsdlk (minnie)

— the squad. - i really love the idea of jason having three close friends! i can see them going on spontaneous trips and doing really, really dumb shit in general dsjfls (1/3) — the roommate. - PLS! he needs a roommate...imagine the domesticity i’m WEAK (minki)

— buzzfeed unsolved. - jason believes in the supernatural. this person doesn’t. jason spends a lot  of his free time trying to convince this person that ghosts are, in fact, real, often taking them to ‘haunted’ places and attempting to summon spirits through his ouija board. (minnie)

— i’m baby. - basically, jason dotes on this person like a mama bird. he cooks them meals, drives them to places and always keeps an eye out for them. — the confidant. - the person he could say he truly trusts the most; while jason is generally sociable, he finds it hard to open up to people, preferring to be the confidant than to confide in his friends. they’re the first person he runs to when he’s upset or stressed. (sienna)

— friends. - open to multiple of all types (fellow foodie, gym buddies, unlikely, one-sided, frenemies, neighbors, etc.)

— flings, hookups, fwbs. - open to multiple. (can be messy, can be casual)

— exes. - jason has lived in ocean city all his life, so anything is possible! they could’ve been at the same high school, maybe they broke up because jason moved to new york and the relationship fizzled out, they could be on good terms or bad terms………GIVE ‘EM TO ME (sienna; exes on good terms with a tiny bit of unresolved feelings)

— the pianist. - this is a lil specific, but basically i imagine jason having participated in music competitions and performed in galas, and this person is their partner!! their other half!!! the nodame to his chiaki!!!! if ur muse can play the piano pls hmu this is just a really cute relationship that i cant stop thinkin about bc jason is a violin nerd (ivy)

— romance. - i’m a hoe for spicy plots! i don’t really want to give out anything specific, but some suggestions aaaare: opposites, exes w/ feelings, one-sided love, skinny love, a love-hate relationship….. 

feel free to go through my wanted connections tag for inspiration!

[tuiyla]

Marvel’s Runaways casual review/ rant

Okay, so I watched both seasons of Marvel’s Runaways in like four days. Originally I was only going to write one post on it and that was mostly going to be about Deanoru but then I got carried away talking about the show overall so here we go. I’m still going to dedicate a separate post to Nico and Karolina because Gay™, that’s why.

I liked it is the short opinion. The longer version is that it’s very frustrating at times because it could be so much better. The pacing, while all over the place and very slow for some is an issue, but personally I don’t mind it all that much. Yes, it was weird that they only became actual runaways at the very end of season 1 and then season 2 was basically two seasons in one, but that’s not the main problem. It’s very frustrating how the tone can jump around and how there’s scenes missing from almost every single episode. What I mean by that is that there are crucial scenes that we should get in-between the life-altering moments that the characters go through, mostly a few lines of dialogue here and there, but we rarely ever get those. Some of it is related to Deanoru so I’ll elaborate more on that later but in general, it makes some otherwise heavy elements of the show hard to take seriously.

Darius’s murder is both treated as an atrocity and yet we never truly see Tamar grieve. Jonah almost making Janet sacrifice herself for Victor is brushed aside like it wasn’t a fucked up moment. Tina and Robert get back together and the fact that he cheated on her and supposedly didn’t love her anymore rarely ever comes up again. Karolina’s attempted rape is a similar situation. (I thought more about this and okay, I suppose this was given enough gravitas.) So many awful things happen that I get it, it’s hard to keep track and portray the emotional significance of all of them. But if you can’t, maybe you should reconsider writing all of these in and thinking about what kind of tone you’re going for. It’s especially annoying when it comes to character dynamics, like Molly never actually saying it out loud that she forgave Nico for the Topher thing. Just gonna forget that, huh? It’s not entirely unrealistic because Molly is barely 15 and Nico is one of the few people she can call family so they were bound to get over it relatively quickly, I just missed the acknowledgment. Two lines, that’s it.

Runaways is often a few lines away from being a much better show. Just give me the characters acknowledging trauma, or how they were fighting a minute ago, or anything that would keep it more consistent. It’s not Riverdale level bad but it does take away from my enjoyment a little bit. Like, remember when Darius kidnapped Alex? And not only did Geoffrey had a really weird scene there where he prioritised the shot Andre (so he can be killed for Jonah) over Alex's safety, but then Alex became BFFs with Darius. At least Chase pointed out said kidnapping but then nothing else was said about it. Okay, so you’re just gonna move past that, sure.

Some of the ridiculousness is acceptable because it is fundamentally a teen drama and a superhero show, so suspension of disbelief is necessary. But that only takes you so far and is mostly afforded to the supernatural stuff. I can roll with Karolina being an alien who glows and flies but she never really told Chase that she wasn’t interested and that annoyed me. Not that I wanted them to be a thing but they spent a substantial amount of time together in the first two-thirds of season 1 and then... nothing. Even if it was clear for us as an audience that she’s gay and Chase is falling for Gert, the two never had that “oh okay, I see now, you’re not into me, that’s cool” “thanks for understanding” moment. Two lines.

Much of this comes down to how little time the show has because of its enormous main cast. I get that, truly, and I’m not saying all character interactions leave something to be desired. I think the Gert-Molly relationship is near perfect, they almost always talk through their issues and their love for each other is clear even when there’s a conflict going on. There are other examples as well and overall, this is a fine show. Don’t get me wrong here, I didn’t binge it in a few days so I can show up late to the party and tell everyone in the fandom that the show they love is trash. It’s not. The concept is really good and from what I can tell they’ve made some necessary changes to the comics. The cast is also good for the most part, with some cringy moments but some very strong ones as well.

The teen drama part of it is interesting and handled well when they focus on it properly. I like that both Gertchase and Deanoru get more or less equal screentime and focus and the dynamic of the Runaways is something I love to watch. Reminds me of how Brooklyn Nine-Nine is so good because each episode they do different combinations of characters and all the relationships get a chance to develop. Runaways has a very different structure so doing the same would be impossible but I still appreciate the quiet moments between more unlikely pairs or trios. More of that if there’s a season 3, which there’d better be because I’m invested now.

So yeah, I know went off a bit with how frustrating it is when the show is inconsistent with its tone and characters and how just a few more lines or scenes could solve that, but I did enjoy Runaways. Okay, so I mostly enjoyed Deanoru, but other aspects as well. I think Chase being stuck in this cycle of abuse is heartbreaking but makes for a powerful storyline and I hope he’ll get a break eventually. Gert, while too much of a parody of an SJW initially has really grown on me and her need for meds was handled well, I would say. Her jealousy of Karolina when it came to Chase was understandable but not very cool and I would have liked more bonding moments between the two. Molly has some super weird moments but the way she keeps the group together and is allowed to be a kid and enjoy herself every once in a while is heartwarming to watch.

Alex, well, I’m gonna be honest here, is my least favourite. I don’t hate characters and I don’t hate him, but I’m sure finding it difficult to like him in any capacity. His vendetta, while justified in some ways, made him selfish and inconsiderate towards the rest of the group. Even in season 1, he had moments when I went “seriously? who the hell does he think he is”. His DW and nerd references ain’t winning me over. Plus he seems to just not care about most people, especially Karolina? Damn son, I kind of hope that remaining Gibborim is inside you so you can justify some of your actions. But I don’t hate him, I promise, I just hope I can grow to like him later on.

The parents are weird because they’re set out to be the villains and there’s this moral ambiguity around them at any given point, which is fascinating at times. I think Leslie is probably the best portrayal in that there’s a nuance to what she’s done and why. In some ways, she’s the worst of them all and in others, she can be “excused” - but then again, can she? I think it’s an interesting question for the show to answer if it proves itself capable enough to do so. I also like Tina in that I’m curious where her relationship with Nico will go. Okay, so now I just mentioned the mothers of the two characters I like the most, great for my bias. True though.

Part of me is also glad that Jonah survived because he needs more scenes with Karolina. I need it to be established deeper that in a sick way he does love her but also she needs to realize how cruel he is. Then he can die (again) and she can grow from it. The Yorkeses are by far the most puzzling ones because they’re quirky and kind of nice so their appalling actions are brushed aside more so than with the other parents. In general, this is what I find interesting and what I want the show to acknowledge and explore: all the parents have done awful things but not all of them are equally “evil”. Dale shouldn’t be on the same level as Leslie or even Catherine. Can we also get that in season 3?

Alright, that’s it for now. I really should do this after every show I watch. I had quite a lot of thoughts while and after watching this series and though I mostly just wanted to write about Deanoru, I’m glad I got it all out. And I genuinely do need that season 3 so you’d better prove your worth, Hulu.

[booksandwords]

Smoky Mountain Dreams by Leta Blake

Read Time: 3 Days Rating: 5/5

The quote: Vulnerability is a gift, baby. A gift not many are brave enough to give. — Gran /Violet Ryder

Warnings: homophobia, discussions of life and death.

I don't know what I expected but it wasn't this. This hits emotionally hard. Having a character in a vegetative state and that debate is not easy. It will ask you to think about your own stance on right to die, dignity and love. My personal stance on this is hard and fast due to personal experience but I know not everyone has thought about it. Smoky Mountain Dreams is a book that prides itself on representing love in all its forms. We get to see romantic, unrequited, platonic, love of God and importantly familial. Familial actually feels more like the focus of Part II of the book. Part I feels like it focuses on the romantic relationship between Jesse and Christopher. There is of course blending. I liked the parts, the way it was broken up, the split is in a natural position. It doesn't impede the flow.

The main characters are all really likeable and distinct. From the little I've read so far, it is fair to say Leta Blake writes complexity and human characters well. No one is what they initially appear. Their motives are usually made plain and they are usually on some level relatable or at least understandable. Bat shit crazy preachers excepted. That said I think she might also have cleverly written an unreliable narrator into Smoky Mountain Dreams, at least in one aspect of his life. I will avoid spoilers for that. I'm going to go through the main characters but all the characters are distinct and easy to identify. Nova and Tim and so endearing. Joe is a fave is Christopher's family. I definitely think there was more to Lee.

Christopher Ryder is just sweet. His upbringing in a fundamental Christian household has hurt him given him massive self-confidence issues. He's a failed musician but happily working at Smoky Mountain Dreams a theme park. On some level, I relate to him. His familial abuse shines in later chapters. It just hurt.  He is grans fave grandchild. He's really close to his gran, not so much the rest of his family. His relationship with family changes as the book goes on. Jesse is the only person who sees him, really sees him.

Jesse Birch is rich like loaded for a life rich but works as a boutique jeweller. He's a father of two struggling to deal with an accident that left his wife, Marcy, in a vegetative state. He wants to honour her wishes but doesn't have medical power of attorney. Christopher is the first person he's gotten close to the 5 years since the accident. He's a fan of Chris' music and performances at Smoky Mountain Dreams. Jesse's coding is fascinating to me. He is a bisexual man because that is the label given to him, as with real people your label is yours to decide. But his coding could make him a bisexual demiromantic maybe. It would tie his romantic attraction to his emotions (but it's complicated). There is something truly appealing about a character living in a town where everyone knows his business where he never has to explain his family (wife or parents). Only to have to try and articulate it to a love interest. Marcy in particular is complicated.

Jesse's kids are 12-year-old Brigid and 9-year-old Will. Will is just a happy open child. Chris is accepted easily by Will after a fun moment. Brigid is not. While Will was 4 when Marcy had her accident, Brigid was 7. She is holding onto her mother, her dreams of her family as it was. Brigid has so much growth as a character, a lot of the plot revolves around her and what it will take for her to accept Chris being with Jesse. But as Jesse sees Chris, Chris sees Brigid. It is worth saying that while she is 12 she is slightly emotionally stunted due to her mother's accident.

A  dump of good things

“Are you…so, you’re gay? And living a lie?” “No, no. Of course not. If you’re not honest, then you’re not anything in this world, son. Learn that lesson now and you won’t be sorry. I’m bisexual. And monogamous.” — This was a joy to see. An older parental figure guiding and educating a

“Thank fucking God. There’s nothing worse than getting this far only to find out I don’t get to bottom. Let’s go.” — Christopher has no fucking filter and I love him for it.

"I’d be embarrassed but I don’t think I know how anymore. Not when it comes to him and his dick.” — All I could think when I read this line was oh god James is Zeus Jr. kinda reinforced when we got around to meeting the prick. Joe has the best reactions to this family, I mean really. Nopeing on out of there would likely be my reaction too.

The whole conversation is rhyming couplets made me smile. I was just so unexpected and must have taken some work to create.

This is insanely sex-positive. From Jesse's hookups across Europe to dirty talk and top/bottom and their conversation limitations to safe sex. There are no pressures to go beyond what is comfortable. I quite like Jesse he is a top plain and simple. It's not tied to not wanting pain or dominance and he can express himself as to why. But seeing a top who is just a top without being dominant feels slightly unusual these days.

It’s not adultery to me. My wife died five years ago. I had to move on.” “Okay, but legally, you’re still married.” “Yes.” — I think this broke my heart a little. Contextually I think it's one of the most interesting lines. Jesse knows some things intellectually but not emotionally.

Paper Cranes are a massive theme in this book. If you know the story of Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes you will have some idea of what is coming

For those interested here is the audio of The Rose by Bette Midler which is oddly important to the story in a way. (via Spotify)

This is one of those books that has a lovely ending. It ends in a way that is definitely happy for now rather than happily ever after. It suits the tone of the book. Of equal importance to Chris and Jesse's happiness is Will and Brigid's given Chris and his position on Jesse prioritising his kids first. Everything comes back to family and acceptance. It did make me a little emotional which is what I wanted from it. There are some heartbreaking moments, some hot and heavy ones and some beautiful characters. It isn't always an easy read but it is well worth it. I like how Leta Blake writes, I like her character creation and her plots. I recommend trying if you are looking for some emotional romance to read. I can see why people who read her do, she's much along the same lines as Riley Hart and Kiera Andrews writing humans and something closer to realism.

2nd quote: “From my stepfather. From my mom. I mean, they didn’t hurt me. Physically. But you know how it can be in the South.” “They’re conservative Christians?” “That’s a polite way to put it. Given their beliefs, I tend to call them motherfucking lunatics.” — Christopher Ryder & Jesse Birch

[beelsiebub]

2.06.2020

I have to get this out because it’s sitting inside of me like a rotting organ.

What the fuck is going on with me and him. I don’t understand what’s going on. Ever since this pandemic, and the lockdown, I went through a huge heartbreak having left him, it was the saddest I’d felt about leaving someone since leaving my friends at National Youth Theatre in 2016. I think he never really understood how much he meant to me, or he did, but he didn’t ever acknowledge it, and he just let me continue caring about him so much but never reciprocating. I guess that’s my fault to an extent for not emotionally removing myself sooner. He was more to me than a friend. He knew that, he acted like that, he enabled that. I was not the only one contributing to this friendship. I never wanted to be his girlfriend. I never did, ever since I found out he didn’t brush his fucking teeth. Who the fuck wants to make out with someone who doesn’t brush their teeth? He was a shit friend to me, always letting me down, always being flaky, never committing to his word. That’s just basic friendship etiquette, right? He was always convinced in his head that I was in love with him, despite me telling him, on HUNDREDS of fucking occasions, that that was not the case, and in fact couldn’t be further from the truth. Because he had this idea in his head, everything I did as a FRIEND, he took as meaning more than that. How could he not see the emotional strain and dilemma that this put me under? Why the fuck should I always have to worry about being myself around someone, for their benefit? That makes literally no fucking sense to me. And now, he’s telling me to see it from “his perspective”. What the fuck? What am I meant to be seeing? Am I meant to be sympathising with you? Poor boy with not enough emotional intelligence to acknowledge a good friend – and I WAS a good friend. I was TOO good to him. – instead to have the arrogance that he felt he was so desirable that the only explanation for my kindness was that I loved him. Fuck off! And now to ask me to see things from his perspective?  Calling me ‘vindictive’? Telling me I’M being ‘out of order’? It’s laughable really. Why the fuck would I listen to someone who never ever prioritises anything but his own ego? The arrogance of a man who demands answers from me about his own vain assumptions during a time of global turmoil, hatred, violence and ignorance; as if his insecurities are at the forefront of my mind. It’s truly laughable.

There was something different about our friendship. I’m not a fucking idiot, I know the difference between friendship and more. Whatever we had, it was more. I didn’t want it to be. He constantly states that he didn’t want it to be, yet when we’d get drunk on a night out and he’d say lame shit like “there’s no one to make out with. Why don’t you make out with me then?” Or “I can see us together right now… but it’s pointless.” Like… why on EARTH is he accusing ME of being the confused one? How could I have been LESS interested? I never initiated anything, I never encouraged anything. Those words came straight from his mouth, unprovoked. I’m not saying I never had feelings to some extent for him. I cared about him a great deal, I won’t deny that. But he completely took advantage of my friendship and my kindness, and now that I’m being MEAN to him, (as in, I’m standing my ground and setting boundaries for myself) he is absolutely throwing a fit. As a woman, arguing with a man is a complicated thing, because it is built into their vocabulary to manipulate women. Even if they don’t see it, they never acknowledge women as equals. That is why it so quickly turns to manipulation when a woman stands her ground and treats a man the way he has treated her. When a woman finally respects herself, men absolutely throw a fit because we become unavailable. Men want us to always be available to them. I think that is his fucking problem – he always wanted me to be available to him, but he didn’t actually know how to deal with me as a person. That’s literally fine. But I am NOT going to change myself to become more digestible. I am not going to stop being who I am to accommodate men. I don’t mean that I won’t grow and learn how to be a better person, but I think that growing and learning how to be a better person is by respecting yourself, and only taking so much of another person’s bullshit. Especially men. Men do not deserve the patience women give them. Men do not deserve anything women give them. Men do not deserve women. Not all men, but most men. I’m absolutely sick of living life worrying about pleasing men, being appealing to men, my entire existence in this society is designed for men and I literally can’t be arsed. I hate that when I was arguing with him he would twist my words or my actions and make me sound like I was being a ‘bad guy’ as if we’re 9 telling one another off to our parents. I know I am a good person. He knows exactly what he is doing by manipulating my words and action to paint me out as a bad person, and I have no sympathy for him. It’s fucking pathetic. I put up with SO much for our friendship, so many silent internal battles, so much dog-shit behaviour I overlooked and forgave; and now that I’ve decided to move on because I’ve acknowledged I deserve better – I’m am monster. He was an absolute shit friend. All my friends were telling me so, the entire time I knew him. All the time. They’d tell me he wasn’t worth it, he was a dickhead, he was ignorant – I gave him the benefit of the doubt every single time because I was afraid to argue and to be seen as ‘undesirable’. Of course I wanted him to desire me, women are programmed to want men to desire them because we are shown and told that that is the only thing that gives us worth. That does not mean that I actually fancied him. I fucking didn’t and I’m sick of having to keep justifying myself like a kid on the school playground. By constantly arguing with him, constantly apologising or being kind and explaining myself to him, he never learned, he just kept repeating his damaging behaviour. Some people have ignorance ingrained so deeply within them that they cannot and perhaps will not ever see it. One thing I have learned is that IT IS NOT MY FUCKING JOB TO MOTHER MEN. You can be brought up by two mums and have a sister and still be a sexist prick. You can still say that you think hair on women is cool and still be a sexist prick. The entitlement of men is so extreme that they never feel like they actually are to blame. You can admit to being ‘a bit shit sometimes’ but still be an ignorant, sexist, entitled prick. Just because you admit to one thing it does not eradicate your sexism, It does not eradicate your entitlement and your ignorance. Fuck off telling me that I need to see it from ‘your perspective’ – the entire fucking WORLD is from a man’s perspective.

I am so fucking ANGRY that I always encounter men and boys like this. It is so fucking infuriating and I do not give a shit if men see me as ‘mean’. Yes, I fucking am mean. Oh, I’m so sorry, does that make me less desirable to you? What a fucking shame. What a true fucking shame that I don’t give a single fuck about your opinion on who a woman should be. You have no fucking say in it, quite frankly. Men pretend to be feminists because it makes them more desirable to US, then as soon as their ‘superiority’ is threatened, they’re entitled arrogance shines through like a bus hitting a car. It’s hilarious how quickly the tables turn as soon as you argue as an equal.

[ashafriesen]

8 Ways You Can Balance Your Role As A Mompreneur

8 Ways You Can Balance Your Role As A Mompreneur

Starting a new business while you are raising small kids is quite a task. Both the responsibilities are equally demanding. While as a mompreneur you need to be consistent with your business operations, catering to your children’s needs are also important. All of this could be quite overwhelming and can adversely hamper not only your work but also affect your health.

Whether you are earning from home or have separate office premises – the initial years of your business will be full of challenges. On top of it, if you are a doting mom, it’s going to be a rollercoaster journey.

Being an entrepreneur and a mom is not easy, but it definitely is not impossible. You can successfully run a business and also raise kids with a little bit of discipline and planning. Here are a few tips that will help you have the best of both the worlds.

1.     Prepare yourself and your family

Yes, your kids are a priority, but so is your business. And therefore, it’s important that your family has realistic expectations from you. Speak to your family about your work and dreams. The better clarity they have about your business, the more support you are likely to get. Also, you might feel that your child is too small to understand your work, but surprisingly kids are not only smart to understand it but will also lend a helping hand when needed. Not sure? Go try it.

  Set your goals – personal and professional

Goal setting is an important exercise and saves you from a lot of hassle and anxiety. A study by psychologist Gail Matthews showed that people who write down their goals were 33% more successful.

Setting realistic goals will give you the peace of mind that is crucial for a mompreneur. Be it finalising your website or planning your child’s birthday party – when you have a directional clarity, life becomes easy. Set goals that take into consideration your aspirations and challenges.

  Shilpa D’Souza, Co founder www.yogitoday.com and Vice President, Duff & Phelps

    I always wished I had the foresight to start a new venture when I was younger with lesser responsibilities! With a baby being a home Boss is hard, adding another level of responsibility is taking the madness to the next level! So how do you handle it? You not only become an entrepreneur but also a “hustle”. Your day goes like clock work and then you learn to prioritise. You appreciate your own time and what you do with it! There is no place for negativity or self pity! You get down and dirty! The best part of it was you are welcomed by this huge community of mompreneurs that are collaborative and share their journey with you. You know you are not alone!

Get help without guilt- Mompreneur Suffer a Lot from This

Be it hiring a full-time domestic help, or asking your in-laws to pitch in; if you need help, ask for it without any guilt. Raising kids and building a business is no joke and the more support you get, better is the possibility of your success. Just because what others think and say, you can’t let go of your dreams. Reach out to the mom next to you, or ask your husband to babysit for some time. You can even look for a good day care facility so that you can work without any distractions for a couple of hours.

Pradnya Sonawane is 

      I am a mom to a single son, which means I have to play the multiple roles as his friend, his sibling and his caretaker. As a freelancer my work allowed me to take out time for my personal fitness regime also. One day I realized I am only living for my son and husband and not living my dreams. And then the journey started. Sometimes it used to be multi tasking,  once I remember taking care of him when he was hospitalized, that day I worked from the hospital room . I have always believed in balancing work and home and this multitasking , made me a strong and I loved the process of learning. Today, I can manage to see my clients at my clinic, manage my role as a corporate wellness expert, run my own youtube channel and also be a  faculty in Mithibai College as a health and fitness expert .

  Set your timetable right

We all falter here once in a while, but that’s OK. However, setting a timetable could be of great help. A good timetable will help you divide your time well for all the priorities.

Yes, sometimes you can’t meet all the expectations – but you can always improvise upon those things. It’s recommended that you analyse your performance once a week against the timetable. This will give a better clarity on stuff that needs change. 

Get an office space but don’t underestimate yourself if you work from home

Shouldn’t this be the first point? We all understand how crucial it is and yet conveniently ignore it. There is a reason that employers insist on working from office premises. As much as it seems feasible and easy to work from home, working amidst all domestic chaos severely hampers productivity.

Sure, you might not have a separate office as an entrepreneur, especially if you are just starting your business. But that shouldn’t stop you from moving out of the house. Go to the nearest coffee shop, or a library to work for a couple of hours without any distractions.

If at all, you can’t go out and have to work from home, then set up a dedicated space as home office. Don’t worry, this need not be an elaborate arrangement. You can just pick a corner or a room and make it look professional and neat. And yes, instruct all other members in the house to not disturb you while you are at work. That’s important.

Assign dedicated time for your children

This will save you a lot of confusion. When you know that those two hours in the evening are purely between you and your child, both of you will look forward to it. You will give your best to finish tasks at hand so that you won’t compromise on your time with your little one.

Even children take it very positively. Since they are assured that mommy is going to give them undivided attention after work, they will feel more secure – and will cling on to you less during your work hours.

  Sulaksha Shetty is the founder director of Lead Earth Foundation and founder and mentor for Tiffins and Thots.

    Journey from Corp mom to social entrepreneur was equally tough for my family especially kids. You can imagine budgets coming down, from 1 long vacation to a short holidays to no vacation! However perhaps the things most difficult for kids to digest is weekends are usually dedicated to my social enterprise and NGO! Fortunate that I have taken this plunge at the right time since kids (son 16 and daughter 13) now value act of kindness and service to money and luxuries. The biggest benefit I see as mother and entrepreneur is the fact that kids have learnt value of risk taking, managing resources and now helping me in my venture… be it designing collateral, brainstorming on business plans, giving tips on social media

It’s fine to sometimes go slow

As a mother and a businessperson, it is very likely that some days would be real hard. When such times arrive, go slow, take it easy and stay away from self-doubts. Just remember that you are doing the best you can. As said by Bill Murray, the famous American actor, “The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything: the better you are with your loved ones, the better you are with your enemies, the better you are at your job, the better you are with yourself.”

  Give yourself all the love and care you need

You need this right? Unless you love yourself, you won’t be able to do justice with your kids or your role as a mompreneur. To deliver your best, you should be happy and confident. Ditch that guilt and embrace yourself. After all, you have made it this far and you’ll do better.

Motherhood is empowering and should not be an excuse for not reaching out to your dreams. As an empowered woman, you should nurture your business aspirations as much as you embrace motherhood. It will be tough and sometimes chaotic – but you’ll sail through. Because you are capable, much more than you think of.

Here are a few tips for budding momepreneurs.

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[jeremystrele]

The Meaning Of Motherhood, With Actress Madeleine Madden + Curator Hetti Perkins

The Meaning Of Motherhood, With Actress Madeleine Madden + Curator Hetti Perkins

Conversations

Hetti Perkins and her daughter Madeleine Madden. Photo – Alisha Gore.

Actress Maddy is on the cusp of her Hollywood breakthrough, staring in the forthcoming film, Dora and the Lost City of Gold. Photo – Alisha Gore.

Hetti Perkins is an Eastern Arrernte and Kalkadoon woman. Photo – Alisha Gore.

Maddy is Hetti’s youngest daughter. She has two older sisters Lillie and Thea as well as a brother Tyson. Photo – Alisha Gore.

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I know you as Mum, a big group of people know you as Aunty. But who do other people know you as?

Hetti Perkins: I’m also kind of known as Mum to people I actually didn’t give birth to, which is lovely. That for me is something very special because it’s not so much a biological relationship but more of an emotional relationship. And aside from my very close extended family, I think I am best known for working in Aboriginal art and in an activist role. I feel that I’ve always tried to represent the voice of artists on a national stage if the opportunity was presented.

I remember when I was nervous about getting up to do a talk one time and my Dad, Charlie Perkins, said to me, ‘It’s not about you. If you get the chance to speak for your people… get up  and you do it, and you do a good job!’ In some ways that is quite intimidating, but it’s also liberating because it isn’t about you, it’s about the work you can do for your people. That is the way I was raised.

The Art And Soul documentary series on ABC TV , the show I co-curated for the Venice Biennale in 1997 and Papunya Tula: Genesis and Genius, which was also exhibited at the Art Gallery of NSW in 2000… I’d like for people to see that those projects are part of a bigger strategy for the promotion of our peoples’ interest, collectively.

Madeleine Madden: I love that advice that Pop gave you and that you have passed on to us.

It kind of takes the fear out of it, it empowers you. And, you know, it’s what makes it all worth it – not some personal ambition or dream, it’s like the dream of the community.

In the public eye, Pop is seen as a fighter and really passionate and outspoken. But some people might know him best for his for his soccer career as well as his civil rights activism [achieving justice for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people, including leading the Freedom Rides through NSW and becoming the first Aboriginal person to lead a federal department].

What was it like being in the spotlight when you were young, and how did that influence you?

Hetti: Myself and my younger brother and sister were very fortunate in some ways. We had a very strong mother, Eileen, who is still with us and will probably outlive us all! She supported Dad 100%, enabling him to do what he had to do and what he wanted to do.

When we were in Alice Springs  and I was in primary school, the kids knew who my dad was and what he did, and they weren’t very complimentary about it – they would call him a shit-stirrer and things like that. That’s pretty confronting when you’re in the third grade. When we went to Canberra to live for a long time, the racism took a different form: it wasn’t sort of as personal and about Dad, but it was more schoolyard taunts about being a blackfella.

It’s interesting because if, say, I wore glasses I’d have been called ‘four-eyes’ or if I was a bit chubby it’d have been ‘fatty’ or whatever. But racism is different, it’s such an insidious thing. They try to make you feel that you are genetically a lower form of life.

Being black is something intrinsic to you and certainly, it was to me. Even though my mother is not Aboriginal, we grew up and still do feel 100% blackfella. I loved being a part of the Aboriginal Tent Embassy, and being with Dad, going to all the demonstrations, having people over and hearing them talk. What I remember most about it, is that some of the toughest activists were so gentle and kind to me, and extremely funny.

Growing up, there was a sense of unity, of collective action, and if there was in-fighting, people sorted their stuff out behind the scenes. I guess that has sort of changed, now, there are a lot more platforms for people to have their opinions, informed or otherwise, and share them widely. Back in the day, if you pardon my cliche, people earned the right to have an opinion and make a statement, because they had done the hard yards. They got off their arses, they were going to the demonstrations and meetings, doing things rather than sitting at home in front of a keyboard, spraying out about whatever was going on.

Maddy: Nowadays you feel like you are standing on the shoulders of giants, because back then people literally put their lives on the line, and risked their personal safety so that others could have opportunities.

A lot of people have wanted to know about the man Pop was, but I also think of Nanny Perks standing with him. It would have been very difficult for her marrying an Aboriginal man in the 1960s, as a white woman in this country.

Hetti: I remember talking to Mum about that. I said, you know, ‘A black, poor, young fella with uncertain prospects.. and you married him anyway’. She was, still is, deeply in love with Dad, and I think theirs is a great love story! They are two very well oiled parts of a synchronised unit.

Often Dad was under pressure, I see that now he could be volatile and angry, but he was always loving. We felt that we were the things that mattered most in his life. He simultaneously had a fire in his belly, a burning sense of injustice, and he just couldn’t swallow it. I think almost dying at quite a young age, with his kidneys and the transplant and especially the experiences he had as a child, he felt that he was given this chance and he wasn’t going to waste it, he was going to devote every energy to it. But as I said, he had Mum. And it wasn’t like ‘There’s Dad and he goes to work and we don’t really know what he does, just that he’s never here’. We actually knew that he was sacrificing time to do the work that he needed to do for our mob. We were ok with that because we also felt that we were part of that fight.

When you were young we all lived together with your Pop and Nanny, and you were exposed to a life where the politics and the personal were the same thing. At 13, you were the first teenager in Australia to deliver an address to the nation, which really sort of set you on a trajectory. From playing a cat in the preschool play or Dora the Explorer’s bestie in the forthcoming Paramount blockbuster, for me observing, your acting and activism has always seemed like a natural path.

Photo – Alisha Gore.

Photo – Alisha Gore.

Photo – Alisha Gore.

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Do you feel like acting and activism was a natural path for you?

Maddy: I think so, I mean it would be weird if I wasn’t political in the house that I grew up in. We were always encouraged to have an opinion and stand up for what we believed in, we always had a seat at the table and were involved in the dialogue the adults were having. I think it was a blessing to have experienced that and the voice that this instilled in us, from such a young age.

I have heard actors of colour that have said, ‘I’m not really a political person’. And I’m generally shocked about that because I am like, ‘How can you not be?’ I get that some people are all don’t-talk-about-religion-and-politics-at-the-table, but we can’t just keep our heads buried in the sand. If you have a platform you need to use it. Obviously many people face difficulties in their lives, and we should normalise talking about that. And that also means talking about politics. It shouldn’t just be left up to the 1% to make decisions for us. I am going to keep speaking up for as long as I can.

Hetti: You’ve had a very strong sense of injustice from a very young age and that need to correct any injustice you may see around you.

It’s interesting in my work too, with artists, a few have said, ‘I’m not an Aboriginal artist, I’m an artist’. And I’ve always found that quite confusing. Over the years I have unpacked the idea, and I think to say something like that infers that there is something lesser in being an Aboriginal artist. But to be connected to your own identity and express it doesn’t reduce your opportunities. For example, It doesn’t mean you can’t play the role of a non-Aboriginal person.

Maddy: I think there is still this fear, from the past when people got typecast or stereotyped, of being called a ‘black artist’. People are worried they are getting boxed in… but, well, break the box. I can understand how you just want to be treated like an equal like anyone else, but unfortunately, that’s not the world we live in. I think you need to just be a front runner and do the damn thing you want to!

Hetti: As you were growing up, I was working at the Art Gallery Of NSW (my children literally had free rein on the gallery, thanks to some very friendly childcare policies during my 13 years!).

Do you think being brought up in a home where work and life merged together has influenced the choices you’ve made?

Maddy: I think the way you intertwined the two has definitely trickled down into our lives. Yet you have always prioritised family first over work and I know that my siblings and I definitely do the same. The Gallery really was a second home. It was such an incredible place for children to exist in – among people that were just so passionate about art, life, love and natural beauty!

I tap into all of that with my acting a lot – all that we were immersed in.

Hetti: Artists would come into our home and stay with us – people like Mike Rakowitz,  Christian Thompson, and Tony Albert. There have been a lot of amazing creatives in your lives and it’s always been remarkable to me how you have all just gone with the flow. You know, ‘Move over, make some space on the lounge’… Or ‘Now they want a turn at Guitar Hero!’

Maddy: Yeah! And I think artists take a real leap of faith, really go out on a limb and risk it all. A lot of those people overcame really hard challenges and made art out of them. We have always just been surrounded by brave, wonderful, kind people and that is the best childhood that anyone could ask for. I think that’s why you are such a great mother because you mother people of all walks of life… and now we have ‘siblings’ from everywhere!

Hetti: Yes we are very fortunate. You had a wonderful childhood, and I’m glad you did because I think that it is such a formative time and it is often too short. These days, I don’t think kids get enough time to go outside and climb a tree, walk the dog, or just sit down and do nothing. There is a lot of focus on homework and goals and tasks. But having the time to hang around and be in each other’s company in an unstructured way is something that’s really important.

Photo – Alisha Gore.

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What’s the best piece of parenting advice you’ve been given?

Hetti: Even when I was a child myself, I was one of those kids that loved looking after the littlies! I feel like I did get some good advice – everything from always keep the baby’s feet warm to don’t use nappy wipes… practical things – but I guess, in some ways, I always felt innately maternal.

When I was growing up I felt very strongly about what kind of life I wanted for my children. I really wanted my kids to grow up in Sydney (where I moved to for university), to experience the multiculturalism, the plurality – the best of Australian society… The excitement and creativity of a city like that with all its beautiful natural attributes, a very strong Aboriginal community, and a fabulous LGBTQI community.

But I’ve also very strongly felt that parents actually need to earn the love and respect of their children. It’s not something you should take for granted. I don’t believe in any sort of physical punishment or anything like that; I think it’s much better to try to get kids on the same page and to achieve a balance. You know, happiness is really the most important thing.

Maddy: Yeah exactly, I think you lead by example and that’s the best way: showing by doing and putting in the hard work… like the extremely hard work of raising four kids by yourself! Kids make mistakes, everyone makes mistakes, but I think the important thing is to hold yourself accountable. Do you take responsibility for that behaviour? Do you grow from it and learn from it, and go ‘Ok I’m not doing that again’? I think that’s a really nice aspect of how you have raised us to behave.

Hetti: I think some kids, when they really muck up or go off-the-rails, are hurting themselves but also punishing people as a way of hitting back. It’s an interesting one.

Your father, Lee, passed away when you were six, which seems at odds with saying you had a great childhood. But you’ve always had loving family around you.

What do you think you’ve learned from your childhood?

Maddy: I think it was definitely a very tough year for us because Pop passed away and then Dad soon after. But I think from those moments, that were obviously very hard, we now know how to deal with grief well. When you have Earth-shattering, soul-destroying, ‘How do I get back from this?‘ moments, you remember you’ve always got each other. I am so blessed to have that reassurance that our family can all band together and keep going.

It’s also a reminder of how you stepped up, which was huge: you were the mum, the dad, the best friend and everything. I think it’s a massive testament to you as a person, and to our Grandparents on both sides.

I remember how Nanny Lil (Dad’s mum) said, ‘You just have to keep going, lots of upsetting things have happened in our lives and in our collective past’, (referring to growing up as a black woman, and the really tough things she faced). She added, ‘Grow from it, get strong from it. Life goes on and so should we’. Now I feel that anything life kind of throws at us, we will be able to get through it.

Hetti : I think it’s important to have that security because it gives you confidence. I also think of your grandmother Lily and how she relates to her grandchildren. She has taught me a lot. She’s one of those people that really laughs with you, and that’s a beautiful thing too. You say I stepped up, but I did so because I was supported to step up, and we all knew we had to keep going.

In many ways, the world is quite different from the one that I grew up in. To me, you are someone who is very social-media savvy, articulate, and seem to enjoy the opportunities that being online gives you, especially to engage with others.

What are your thoughts on the pros and cons of the social media world?

Maddy: I love that quote by RuPaul, who has been a massive idol and inspiration for us. She says ‘Unless them bitches payin’ your bills, pay them bitches no mind.’ and I think that is the best approach to have with the haters. The negativity is always going to be there and sometimes social media makes people think it’s ok to behave in certain ways when it’s not. Online bullying is awful, a kind of a silent killer.

But I love the opportunities social media gives me, and by that I mean the art, the cute videos and funny memes – that’s what I get out of it! I took a break from social media (Instagram and Facebook) for three months and it was really good for my mental health. I felt less anxious, I was on my phone less, I was only caring about people who I actually care about. Then I got back on it and I just did a big cull on what I was seeing. Social media can be fantastic for raising awareness for good causes, getting people power going, and building momentum for movements. I’m really grateful for that too.

Hetti : Yes, when it’s used for good, not evil, it’s brilliant. There is a risk, but you know what, in every generation, there is always something that people are rolling their eyes about or freaking about. It used to be about watching too much TV!

Maddy: We have all grown up to be very connected to the outdoors and involved in the community.  I volunteer with Seed Mob, an indigenous climate action group, and we’re all genuinely concerned because we can see the impacts now. A lot of women around the world are going on birth strikes because they don’t want to raise children in a world that’s essentially dying, as world ‘leaders’ stand idle.

Hetti : I can understand that. I think it is responsible parenting to think about what our children will inherit, whether in their local community, or the wider world. Do I want to bring a child up in an apocalyptic world? This threat to our beautiful creatures, plants, rivers.. the list goes on. And it’s because of one thing and that’s us: humans. The decisions that are being made from the Adani Coal Mine to the fracking in the Northern Territory to Oil prospecting in the Great Australian Bight make me feel extremely anxious and also furious. It’s all about the short-term and votes – no taking responsibility, making quick decisions to get the quick bucks and support, pulling the wool over the eyes of the community, and branding anyone who is a dissenting voice as Lefty-latte sippers!

Maddy: or calling them green-collared criminals! Even saying that to kids, who go on the school strikes, when their parents have said, ‘No you go out there, we support you to fight for your future’. And that’s a privilege you have given to us; always supporting us to go out there stand up for what is right, for our future, and people who can’t stand up for themselves.

What does Mother’s Day mean to you?

Hetti: There is a very conventional sense of what ‘Mother’s Day’ is. Obviously, we celebrate it – because we’ll take any kind of excuse to give presents and get together. Doesn’t matter what the cause is, we’re there!

Maddy: [laughs] Yeah, I love Mother’s Day, it should be Mother’s Day all day, every day, 365! It’s a moment where we can all just really celebrate the people in our lives, whether they are our biological mothers or people who have inspired us or anyone who has given us love or guided us. It’s a wonderful day to say thank you and make those people feel lovely and special… and have cake! We all love having a celebration at our house.

It’s nice how you always raised us to be affectionate and loving in that way, because it feels like that door is never closed, you know. I think It’s really important to show children that you love them, have an active interest in what they are doing, and that they have done a good job. This comes back to that leading by example; I think that is the best thing a parent can do!

Hetti: Beautiful… Well, that seems like a good spot to conclude this wonderful discussion – maybe one day we’ll look back on this one as another of our highlights!

[renfys]

LGBTQ Families Day

Today is LGBTQ Families Day. A Day to celebrate families in all their forms, from same-sex parents to trans kids. I believe LGBTQ families are the future. We are the biggest growing group of adopters and more and more LGBTQ people become parents every day. Whether it’s through adoption, sperm or egg donation or becoming step-parents.

We’re Not All Mums and Dads

I am an afab non-binary/genderfluid bisexual. I’m not the birth parent but I am no less my son’s parent. As a non-binary person, I am comfortable with any and all pronouns, I don’t actually have a preference but I do call myself my son’s mum. I’m not his dad, I am his mum.

There are a couple of reasons for this. One is my own complicated relationship with my dad. I’ve spent most of my adult life desperately trying not to be him so becoming ‘dad’ feels like a step backwards in that regards. Another is that it aligns with my sex and as a person in a same-sex relationship I think it’símportant to stand up for my rights to be the mum. To make having two mums or two dads normal and this is my way of doing.

But not all parents are mums or dads, and that’s actually true for a lot of families around the countries.

My son doesn’t call me mummy. On occasion, he will but he actually calls me Bow. I don’t know where it came from but it’s settled and he’s happy with it and that’s what’s important to me. I’ve gone from podge mummy to bow at home too and I don’t mind. Whatever the parents are called, as long as everyone is happy that’s what’s ímportant.

That’s what should be respected.

Use whatever words fit, whatever labels fit, and make sure people respect those labels.

We’re Not Perfect Either

Pick your battle – no trousers today…

We fight, we fail, we fumble. LGBTQ families are no different to any other family. We love greatly, inclusively, but we have fears like every other parent.

It’s always been my stance that whatever makes me different, makes us different is down to personality, not gender or sexuality. Same goes for families. My parenting style is different to that of my neighbours, my sisters, my own mother, but that is down to personality more than anything else. Though I suspect my parenting style won’t be that much different from my own mums.

The method of having children is different but once we have them everything is the same. From the basic physical stuff to the emotional development. We’re families just get any cis-het family. We consist of single parents, two-parent families, adopted children, blended families and divorced families.

We’re down the school gates and trying to remember everything on the shopping list and posting pictures on facebook for the grandparents.

And our kids are cis, het, LGBTQ too and trying to navigate through school and friends and video games the same as the neighbour’s kids. Well, not my kid, he’s not even two. Mostly he’s navigating cats and bananas.

LGBTQ Families Aren’t About Biology

My mum and my son.

My mother always told me you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family and that’s not true. You can’t choose who you’re related to but you can choose your family.

RuPaul preaches this a lot on Drag Race and it’s part of the reason LGBTQ so often gravitate to one another. We create our own families because we so often don’t fit in the ones we were raised in. And still, too often, LGBTQ are ostracised and disowned by the people who are supposed to love them unconditionally.

That’s why LGBTQ families are made up of all sorts of people who become momas, and papas, uncles and aunts. We adopt those terms, take them from the people that hurt us and give them to people who deserve them. We often create our own families from the LGBTQ people around us.

I’ve been lucky, I definitely don’t fit in with my family in a lot of ways but I’ve always been accepted and loved by them. And I’m far from the only LGBTQ person in my family. I have created my own Queer Little Family but I am in no way cut off from my family. It’s just that I do feel a little different to some of my extended family.

It’s more my personality than sexuality.

My mum often told me the “You can choose your friends and not your family,” phrase when we’d had a rough time dealing with our dad, or she had struggled to deal with her brothers and sisters. What she didn’t realise is that in moving 142 miles away from her family, prioritising her relationship and her children over her family, and choosing friends who loved her and nurtured her was choosing a family. A family she created.

For anyone struggling with their family right now, there are people out there who love you and will be your family. You will find them eventually.

Links

Mombian 

Family Equality Council

The Importance of Family Support When LGBTQ Youth Come Out

Be Part Of Pride Month On QLF

The post LGBTQ Families Day appeared first on Queer Little Family.

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[jmmgroup-blog]

The rug was pulled out from under my family

It could happen to anyone, male or female – but chances are it’ll happen to a woman. I choose to write these women’s accounts in first person, because I’d like you to connect that bit more. For us to take a step away from who is “right”, why things unravelled and take stock of the real, daily consequences – where one person bears the brunt of the fallout manyfold. Here are two such stories – I’m sure you know similar ones in your circles:

≥≥≥

My husband had an affair with his university sweetheart. I found out when I was having treatment for breast cancer. The message that I happened across threw me – and destroyed – well, everything.

He had messaged her saying he couldn’t leave me now, not while I was having chemo.

I couldn’t tell anyone. I didn’t know it at the time, but worse was to come; he is the general manager of my father’s company. I own some shares. This means that he is privy to my fin­ancial situation in a way that makes me vulnerable.

I didn’t work. I brought up our four children instead – no maid or home-help employed. Our youngest is a teenager. Poor thing. I had to break it to him that our family home was being sold, and that we – he and I, the others are at university – would be moving soonest.

And here’s the worst of it: my husband has taken on the fin­ancial responsibilities of his once again sweetheart and her brood. Her children are roughly the same age as mine. He doesn’t contribute towards our broken family and our children’s upkeep. Mine? You must be kidding. I now have a part-time job in a fashion store. The money isn’t enough. And here’s the clincher: he is still my husband – legally – because he won’t agree to a settlement. Why? Because he’s going after my shares in the company. This is my future livelihood – I have no savings, no pension and hope that dividends will see me through a few years. The shares would then go to my children. Our children. But not if their father somehow gets them taken away from me.

≥≥≥

I was the family’s main earner. I travel with my work and my then husband was happy to step in and be the primary parent – not just when I was away. He is a teacher – so was available after school – which was perfect for our family life. I suppose traditionalists saw it as a role swap. For us it made sense because I brought in significantly more money, and we were one team, headed in the same direction – but not together, it turned out.

My husband walked out on us. It happened the year my father died. I was grappling with grief. I loved my father deeply, but couldn’t sink into my feelings because I had to keep going, keep working, bringing the money in, but I couldn’t shake it off either. My husband decided he didn’t want to support me through my depression. And left. I too have moved on – in tatters, slowly gaining my sense of self. Taking stock, it grates that I have had to pay my former husband to get a div­orce. Because I earn more than him, he was awarded a sizeable chunk of money – enough to buy a house for himself – in cash. It needed to be adequate enough for the children to stay in – meaning it was pricey. This has set me back. I don’t have that sort of money. So I now have to work even harder, I am in more debt, plus I have sole responsibility for my children during the week – and every other weekend. If it wasn’t for my mother being able to step in and stay with them when I travel for work, I dread to think what our life would be like.

≥≥≥

These women are lucky. They have a support system and can make ends meet – either by earning the money themselves, or with family help. Millions don’t. They don’t have the chance of a dignified life. Why? Because they care about their children and don’t want to be a ghost-parent. Or because they don’t have qualifications that’ll get them a job that pays enough – their “enough” includes the cost of life, and the cost of an outsider to look after the children while they work. It “should” include the cost of putting money aside for older age too. But let’s get real – of course that’s not going to happen. It’s impossible. For many, many millions.

There are no stats available for whether child maintenance, or former spousal support, is being paid out in the UAE. Assuming from figures avail­able elsewhere, and from stories abundantly available, it appears not.

In the United Kingdom £3.5 billion (Dh15.6bn) remains outstanding from child maintenance payment arrears. That’s just what we know about because the related government agency is involved – the real figure is a lot more. I worked out that US$23.6bn is owed in the United States.

Wednesday marked International Women’s Day. I am a feminist. For me it’s about equality. Equal chance to have a decent life. Can you figure out how these women – and the millions in similar situations – have any chance of this? Didn’t think so.

Sometimes a parent can’t afford payments, but often they prioritise other things – like eating out, buying stuff, even going on holiday – over doing what’s right. Not only by their children, but by their former partner too.

The long and short of it is that this stinks.

Please can we rise above individual agendas, negative feelings, and simply do the right thing by whoever is the primary carer. Be they mum or dad.

Nima Abu Wardeh describes herself using three words: Person. Parent. Pupil. Each day she works out which one gets priority, sharing her journey on finding-nima.com

Source: The National

The rug was pulled out from under my family was originally published on JMM Group of Companies

[martinfzimmerman]

The rug was pulled out from under my family

It could happen to anyone, male or female - but chances are it'll happen to a woman. I choose to write these women's accounts in first person, because I'd like you to connect that bit more. For us to take a step away from who is "right", why things unravelled and take stock of the real, daily consequences - where one person bears the brunt of the fallout manyfold. Here are two such stories - I'm sure you know similar ones in your circles:

≥≥≥

My husband had an affair with his university sweetheart. I found out when I was having treatment for breast cancer. The message that I happened across threw me - and destroyed - well, everything.

He had messaged her saying he couldn't leave me now, not while I was having chemo.

I couldn't tell anyone. I didn't know it at the time, but worse was to come; he is the general manager of my father's company. I own some shares. This means that he is privy to my fin­ancial situation in a way that makes me vulnerable.

I didn't work. I brought up our four children instead - no maid or home-help employed. Our youngest is a teenager. Poor thing. I had to break it to him that our family home was being sold, and that we - he and I, the others are at university - would be moving soonest.

And here's the worst of it: my husband has taken on the fin­ancial responsibilities of his once again sweetheart and her brood. Her children are roughly the same age as mine. He doesn't contribute towards our broken family and our children's upkeep. Mine? You must be kidding. I now have a part-time job in a fashion store. The money isn't enough. And here's the clincher: he is still my husband - legally - because he won't agree to a settlement. Why? Because he's going after my shares in the company. This is my future livelihood - I have no savings, no pension and hope that dividends will see me through a few years. The shares would then go to my children. Our children. But not if their father somehow gets them taken away from me.

≥≥≥

I was the family's main earner. I travel with my work and my then husband was happy to step in and be the primary parent - not just when I was away. He is a teacher - so was available after school - which was perfect for our family life. I suppose traditionalists saw it as a role swap. For us it made sense because I brought in significantly more money, and we were one team, headed in the same direction - but not together, it turned out.

My husband walked out on us. It happened the year my father died. I was grappling with grief. I loved my father deeply, but couldn't sink into my feelings because I had to keep going, keep working, bringing the money in, but I couldn't shake it off either. My husband decided he didn't want to support me through my depression. And left. I too have moved on - in tatters, slowly gaining my sense of self. Taking stock, it grates that I have had to pay my former husband to get a div­orce. Because I earn more than him, he was awarded a sizeable chunk of money - enough to buy a house for himself - in cash. It needed to be adequate enough for the children to stay in - meaning it was pricey. This has set me back. I don't have that sort of money. So I now have to work even harder, I am in more debt, plus I have sole responsibility for my children during the week - and every other weekend. If it wasn't for my mother being able to step in and stay with them when I travel for work, I dread to think what our life would be like.

≥≥≥

These women are lucky. They have a support system and can make ends meet - either by earning the money themselves, or with family help. Millions don't. They don't have the chance of a dignified life. Why? Because they care about their children and don't want to be a ghost-parent. Or because they don't have qualifications that'll get them a job that pays enough - their "enough" includes the cost of life, and the cost of an outsider to look after the children while they work. It "should" include the cost of putting money aside for older age too. But let's get real - of course that's not going to happen. It's impossible. For many, many millions.

There are no stats available for whether child maintenance, or former spousal support, is being paid out in the UAE. Assuming from figures avail­able elsewhere, and from stories abundantly available, it appears not.

In the United Kingdom £3.5 billion (Dh15.6bn) remains outstanding from child maintenance payment arrears. That's just what we know about because the related government agency is involved - the real figure is a lot more. I worked out that US$23.6bn is owed in the United States.

Wednesday marked International Women's Day. I am a feminist. For me it's about equality. Equal chance to have a decent life. Can you figure out how these women - and the millions in similar situations - have any chance of this? Didn't think so.

Sometimes a parent can't afford payments, but often they prioritise other things - like eating out, buying stuff, even going on holiday - over doing what's right. Not only by their children, but by their former partner too.

The long and short of it is that this stinks.

Please can we rise above individual agendas, negative feelings, and simply do the right thing by whoever is the primary carer. Be they mum or dad.

Nima Abu Wardeh describes herself using three words: Person. Parent. Pupil. Each day she works out which one gets priority, sharing her journey on finding-nima.com

from Personal Finance RSS feed - The National http://www.thenational.ae/business/personal-finance/the-rug-was-pulled-out-from-under-my-family

[ashafriesen]

8 Ways You Can Balance Your Role As A Mompreneur

8 Ways You Can Balance Your Role As A Mompreneur

Starting a new business while you are raising small kids is quite a task. Both the responsibilities are equally demanding. While as a mompreneur you need to be consistent with your business operations, catering to your children’s needs are also important. All of this could be quite overwhelming and can adversely hamper not only your work but also affect your health.

Whether you are earning from home or have separate office premises – the initial years of your business will be full of challenges. On top of it, if you are a doting mom, it’s going to be a rollercoaster journey.

Being an entrepreneur and a mom is not easy, but it definitely is not impossible. You can successfully run a business and also raise kids with a little bit of discipline and planning. Here are a few tips that will help you have the best of both the worlds.

1.     Prepare yourself and your family

Yes, your kids are a priority, but so is your business. And therefore, it’s important that your family has realistic expectations from you. Speak to your family about your work and dreams. The better clarity they have about your business, the more support you are likely to get. Also, you might feel that your child is too small to understand your work, but surprisingly kids are not only smart to understand it but will also lend a helping hand when needed. Not sure? Go try it.

  Set your goals – personal and professional

Goal setting is an important exercise and saves you from a lot of hassle and anxiety. A study by psychologist Gail Matthews showed that people who write down their goals were 33% more successful.

Setting realistic goals will give you the peace of mind that is crucial for a mompreneur. Be it finalising your website or planning your child’s birthday party – when you have a directional clarity, life becomes easy. Set goals that take into consideration your aspirations and challenges.

  Shilpa D’Souza, Co founder www.yogitoday.com and Vice President, Duff & Phelps

    I always wished I had the foresight to start a new venture when I was younger with lesser responsibilities! With a baby being a home Boss is hard, adding another level of responsibility is taking the madness to the next level! So how do you handle it? You not only become an entrepreneur but also a “hustle”. Your day goes like clock work and then you learn to prioritise. You appreciate your own time and what you do with it! There is no place for negativity or self pity! You get down and dirty! The best part of it was you are welcomed by this huge community of mompreneurs that are collaborative and share their journey with you. You know you are not alone!

Get help without guilt- Mompreneur Suffer a Lot from This

Be it hiring a full-time domestic help, or asking your in-laws to pitch in; if you need help, ask for it without any guilt. Raising kids and building a business is no joke and the more support you get, better is the possibility of your success. Just because what others think and say, you can’t let go of your dreams. Reach out to the mom next to you, or ask your husband to babysit for some time. You can even look for a good day care facility so that you can work without any distractions for a couple of hours.

Pradnya Sonawane is 

      I am a mom to a single son, which means I have to play the multiple roles as his friend, his sibling and his caretaker. As a freelancer my work allowed me to take out time for my personal fitness regime also. One day I realized I am only living for my son and husband and not living my dreams. And then the journey started. Sometimes it used to be multi tasking,  once I remember taking care of him when he was hospitalized, that day I worked from the hospital room . I have always believed in balancing work and home and this multitasking , made me a strong and I loved the process of learning. Today, I can manage to see my clients at my clinic, manage my role as a corporate wellness expert, run my own youtube channel and also be a  faculty in Mithibai College as a health and fitness expert .

  Set your timetable right

We all falter here once in a while, but that’s OK. However, setting a timetable could be of great help. A good timetable will help you divide your time well for all the priorities.

Yes, sometimes you can’t meet all the expectations – but you can always improvise upon those things. It’s recommended that you analyse your performance once a week against the timetable. This will give a better clarity on stuff that needs change. 

Get an office space but don’t underestimate yourself if you work from home

Shouldn’t this be the first point? We all understand how crucial it is and yet conveniently ignore it. There is a reason that employers insist on working from office premises. As much as it seems feasible and easy to work from home, working amidst all domestic chaos severely hampers productivity.

Sure, you might not have a separate office as an entrepreneur, especially if you are just starting your business. But that shouldn’t stop you from moving out of the house. Go to the nearest coffee shop, or a library to work for a couple of hours without any distractions.

If at all, you can’t go out and have to work from home, then set up a dedicated space as home office. Don’t worry, this need not be an elaborate arrangement. You can just pick a corner or a room and make it look professional and neat. And yes, instruct all other members in the house to not disturb you while you are at work. That’s important.

Assign dedicated time for your children

This will save you a lot of confusion. When you know that those two hours in the evening are purely between you and your child, both of you will look forward to it. You will give your best to finish tasks at hand so that you won’t compromise on your time with your little one.

Even children take it very positively. Since they are assured that mommy is going to give them undivided attention after work, they will feel more secure – and will cling on to you less during your work hours.

  Sulaksha Shetty is the founder director of Lead Earth Foundation and founder and mentor for Tiffins and Thots.

    Journey from Corp mom to social entrepreneur was equally tough for my family especially kids. You can imagine budgets coming down, from 1 long vacation to a short holidays to no vacation! However perhaps the things most difficult for kids to digest is weekends are usually dedicated to my social enterprise and NGO! Fortunate that I have taken this plunge at the right time since kids (son 16 and daughter 13) now value act of kindness and service to money and luxuries. The biggest benefit I see as mother and entrepreneur is the fact that kids have learnt value of risk taking, managing resources and now helping me in my venture… be it designing collateral, brainstorming on business plans, giving tips on social media

It’s fine to sometimes go slow

As a mother and a businessperson, it is very likely that some days would be real hard. When such times arrive, go slow, take it easy and stay away from self-doubts. Just remember that you are doing the best you can. As said by Bill Murray, the famous American actor, “The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything: the better you are with your loved ones, the better you are with your enemies, the better you are at your job, the better you are with yourself.”

  Give yourself all the love and care you need

You need this right? Unless you love yourself, you won’t be able to do justice with your kids or your role as a mompreneur. To deliver your best, you should be happy and confident. Ditch that guilt and embrace yourself. After all, you have made it this far and you’ll do better.

Motherhood is empowering and should not be an excuse for not reaching out to your dreams. As an empowered woman, you should nurture your business aspirations as much as you embrace motherhood. It will be tough and sometimes chaotic – but you’ll sail through. Because you are capable, much more than you think of.

Here are a few tips for budding momepreneurs.

The post 8 Ways You Can Balance Your Role As A Mompreneur appeared first on Maa of All Blogs.

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