#a show being diverse doesn’t absolve it or wrong doing | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

supercantaloupe · 4 years

Text

okay yeah actually, i’ll bite. i’ve got some of my own thoughts about the unsleeping city and cultural representation and i’m gonna make a post about them now, i guess. i’ll put it under a cut though because this post is gonna be long.

i wanna start by saying i love dimension 20 and i really really enjoy the unsleeping city. i look forward to watching new episodes every week, and getting hooked on d20 as a whole last summer really helped pull me out of a pandemic depression, and i’m grateful to have this cool show to be excited about and interested in and to have met so many cool people to talk about it with.

that being said, however, i think there is a risk run in representing any group of people/their culture when you have the kind of setting that tuc has. by which i mean, tuc is set in a real world with real people and real human cultures in it. unlike fantasy high or a crown of candy where everything is made up (even if rooted in real-world cultures), tuc is explicitly rooted in reality, and all of its diversity -- both the ups and downs that go with it. and especially set in new york of all places, one of the most densely, diversely populated cities on earth. the cast is 7 people; it’s great that those 7 people come from a variety of backgrounds and identities and all bring their own unique perspectives to the table, and it’s great that those people and the entire crew are generally conscious of themselves and desire to tell stories/represent perspectives ethically. but you simply cannot authentically represent every culture or every perspective in the world (or even just in a city) when your cast is 7 people. it’s an impossible task. this is inherent to the setting, and acknowledged by the cast, and by brennan especially, who has been on record saying how one of the exciting aspects of doing a campaign set in nyc is its diversity, the fact that no two new yorkers have the same perspective of new york. i think that’s a good thing -- but it does have its challenges too, clearly.

i’m not going to go into detail on the question of whether or not tuc’s presentation of asian and asian american culture is appropriative/offensive or not. first of all, i don’t feel like it’s 100% fair to judge the show completely yet, since it’s a prerecorded season and currently airing midseason, so i don’t yet know how things wrap up. secondly, i’m not asian or asian american. i can have my own opinions on that content in the show, but i think it’s worth more to hear actual asian and asian american voices on this specific aspect of the show. having an asian american cast member doesn’t automatically absolve the show of any criticisms with regard to asian american cultural representation/appropriation, whether those criticisms are made by dozens of viewers or only a handful of them. regardless, i don’t think it’s my place as someone who is not asian to speak with any authority on that issue, and i know for a fact that there are asian american viewers sharing their own opinions. their thoughts in this instance hold more water than mine, i think.

what i will comment on in more depth, though, is a personal frustration with tuc. i’m jewish; i’ve never really been shy about that fact on my page here. i’m not from new york, but i visit a few times a year (or i did before covid anyway, lol), and i have some family from nyc. nyc, to me, is a jewish city. and for good reason, since it’s home to one of the largest jewish populations of the country, and even the world, and aspects of jewish culture (including culinary, like bagels and pastrami, and linguistic, like the common use of yiddish words and phrases in english colloquial speech) are prevalent and celebrated among jews and goyim alike. when i think of nyc, i think of a jewish city; that’s not everybody’s new york, but that’s my new york, and thats plenty of other people’s new york too. so i do find myself slightly disappointed or frustrated in tuc for its, in my opinion, rather stark lack of jewish representation.

now, i’m not saying that one of the PCs should have been jewish, full stop. i love to headcanon iga as jewish even though canon does not support that interpretation, and i’m fine with that. she’s not my character. it’s possible that simply no one thought of playing a jewish character, i dunno. but also, and i can’t be sure about this, i’m willing to bet that none of the players really wanted to play a jewish character because they didn’t want to play a character of a marginalized culture they dont belong to in the interest of avoiding stereotyping or offensive representation/cultural appropriation. (i don’t know if any of the cast members are jewish, but i’m assuming not.) and the concern there is certainly appreciated; there’s not a ton of mainstream jewish rep out there, and often what we get is either “unlikeable overly conservative hassidic jew” or “jokes about their bar mitzvah/one-off joke about hanukkah and then their jewishness is never mentioned ever again,” which sucks. it would be really cool to see some more good casual jewish rep in a well-rounded, three-dimensional character in the main cast of a show! even if there are a couple of stumbles along the way -- nobody is perfect and no two jews have the same level of knowledge, dedication, and adherence to their culture.

but at the same time, i look at characters like iga and i really do long for a jewish character to be there. siobhan isn’t polish, yet she’s playing a characters whose identity as a polish immigrant to new york is very central to her story and arc. and part of me wonders why we can’t have the same for a jewish character. if not a PC, then why not an NPC? again, i’m jewish, and i am not native, but in my opinion i think the inclusion of jj is wonderful -- i think there are even fewer native main characters in mainstream media than there are jewish ones, and it’s great to see a native character who is both in touch with their culture as well as not being defined solely by their native-ness. to what extent does it count as ‘appropriative’ because brennan is a white dude? i dunno, but i’m like 99% sure they talked to sensitivity consultants to make sure the representation was as ethical as they could get it, and anyway, i can’t personally see and glaring missteps so far. but again, i’m not native, and if there are native viewers with their own opinions on jj, i’d be really interested in hearing them.

but getting back to the relative lack of jewish representation. it just...disappoints me that jewishness in new york is hardly ever even really mentioned? again, i know we’re only just over halfway through season 2, but also, we had a whole first season too. and it’s definitely not all bad. for example: willy! gd, i love willy so much. him being a golem of williamsburg makes me really really happy -- a jewish mythological creature animated from clay/mud (in this case bricks) to protect a jewish community (like that of williamsburg, a center for many of nyc’s jews) from threat. golem have so often been taken out of their original context and turned into evil monsters in fantasy settings, especially including dnd. (even within other seasons of d20! crush in fh being referred to as a “pavement golem” always rubbed me the wrong way, and i had hoped they’d learned better after tuc but in acoc they refer to another monster as a “corn golem” which just disappointed me all over again.) so the fact that tuc gets golems right makes my jewish heart very happy.

and yet...he doesn’t show up that much? sure, in s1, he’s very helpful when he does, but in s2 so far he shows up once and really does not say or do much of anything. he speaks with a lot more yiddish-influenced language than other characters, but if you didn’t know those words were specifically yiddish/jewish, you might not be able to otherwise clock the fact that willy is jewish. and while willy is a jewish mythological creature who is jewish in canon, he isn’t human. there are no other direct references to judaism, jewish characters, or jewish culture in the unsleeping city beyond him.

there are, in fact, two other canon jewish characters in tuc. but...here’s where i feel the most frustration, i think. the two canon jewish humans in tuc are stephen sondheim and robert moses. both of whom are real actual people, so it’s not like we can just pick and choose what their cultural backgrounds are. as much as i love stephen sondheim, i think there are inherent issues with including real world people as characters in a fictional setting, especially if they are from living/recent memory (sondheim is literally still alive), but anyway, sondheim and moses are both actual jewish people. from watching tuc alone you probably would not be able to guess that sondheim is jewish -- nothing from his character except name suggests it, and i wouldn’t even fault you for not thinking ‘sondheim’ is a jewish-sounding surname (and i dislike the idea/attitude/belief that you can tell who is or isn’t jewish by the sound of their name). and yeah, i’m not going to sit here and be like “brennan should have made sondheim more visibly jewish in canon!” because, like, he’s a real human being and it’s fucking weird to portray him in a way that isn’t as close to how he publicly presents himself, which is not in fact very identifiably jewish? i don’t know, this is what i mean by it’s inherently weird and arguably problematic to portray real living people as characters in a fictional setting, but i digress. sondheim’s jewish, even if you wouldn’t know it; not exactly a representation win.

and then there’s bob moses. you might be able to guess that he’s jewish from canon, actually. there’s the name, of course. but more insidious to me are the specifics of his villainy. greedy and powerhungry, a moneyman, a lich whose power is stored in a phylactery...it does kind of all add up to a Yikes from me. (in the stock market fight there’s a one-off line asking if he has green skin; it’s never really directly acknowledged or answered, but it made me really uncomfortable to hear at first and it’s stuck with me since viewing for the first time.) the issue for me here is that the most obviously jewish human character is the season’s bbeg, and his villainy is rooted in very antisemitic tropes and stereotypes.

i know this isn’t all brennan’s fault -- robert moses was a real ass person and he was in fact jewish, a powerhungry and greedy moneyman, a big giant racist asshole, etc. i’m not saying that jewish characters can’t be evil, and i’m not saying brennan should have tried to be like “this is my NPC robert christian he’s just like bob moses but instead he’s a goy so it’s okay” because...that would be fuckin weird bro. and bob moses was a real person who was jewish and really did do some heinous shit with his municipal power. i’m not necessarily saying brennan should have picked/created a different character to be the villain. i’m not even saying that he shouldn’t have made bob moses a lich (although, again, it doesn’t 100% sit right with me). but my point here is that bob moses is one of a grand total of three canon jewish characters in tuc, of which only two humans, of whom he is the one you’d most easily guess would be jewish and is the most influenced by antisemitic stereotypes/tropes. had there been more jewish representation in the show at all, even just some neutral jewish NPCs, this would not be as much of a problem as it is to me. but halfway through season 2, so far, this is literally all we get. and that bums me out.

listen, i really like tuc. i love d20. but the fact that it is set in a real world place with real world people does inherently raise challenges when it comes to ethical cultural representation. especially when the medium of the show is a game whose creatures, lore, and mechanics have been historically rooted in some questionable racial/cultural views. and dnd is making progress to correct some of those misguided views of older sourcebooks by updating them to more equitably reflect real world racial/cultural sensitivities; that’s a good thing! but these seasons, of course, were recorded before that. the game itself has some questionable cultural stuff baked into it, and that is (almost necessarily) going to be brought to the table in a campaign set in a real-world place filled with real-world people of diverse real-world cultures. the cast can have sensitivity consultants and empathy and the best intentions in the world, and they’ll still fuck up from time to time, that’s okay. your mileage may vary on whether or not it’s still worth sticking around with the show (or the fandom) through that. for me, it does not yet outweigh all the things i like about the show, and i’m gonna continue watching it. but it’s still very worth acknowledging that the cast is 7 people who cannot possibly hope to authentically or gracefully represent every culture in nyc. it’s an unfortunate limitation of the medium. yet it’s also still worthwhile to acknowledge and discuss the cultural representation as it is in the show -- both the goods and the bads, the ethically solid and the questionably appropriative -- and even to hold the creators accountable. (decently, though. i’m definitely not advocating anybody cyberbully brennan on twitter or whatever.) the show and its representation is far from perfect, but i also don’t think it ever could be. still, though, it could always be better, and there’s a worthwhile discussion to be had in the wheres, hows, and whys of that.

#sasha reviews #sasha speaks #the unsleeping city #unsleeping city #long post #dimension 20 #gd i stayed up way too late to write this #tuc #the unsleeping city chapter 2 #the unsleeping city 2 #tuc2 #antisemitism

155 notes · View notes

comfy-whumpee · 4 years

Text

Whumping Safely 101

Many people in this community have mental health problems, face various types of discrimination, and have complicated relationships with some parts or types of whump. In particular, I aim this at people who care about the experience of survivors and others with triggers – partially because I am an abuse survivor who often flirts with triggering content as part of my love of whump.

Keeping your blog safe is difficult, takes effort, and is never a perfect process. But as the community grows and grows, it’s really important that we hold ourselves to a high standard. I would argue that this is a responsibility of all content creators, but especially those of us in the messy playground of whump.

I’ve got three sections in here: content warnings, writing with care, and community interaction. I’ve tried to make it navigable. It’s about 1.8k words. Shorter than a lot of drabbles! I welcome good-faith criticism on this topic and further questions on my own views.

Content Warnings

The biggest responsibility, in my opinion, is empowering your reader to make their own decision on whether they want to expose themselves to your writing. This also happens to be by far the easiest way to help people whump safely.

What to warn

This is a big and ever-changing topic. Some things you should warn for as a rule of thumb are anything NSFW, pet whump and box boy whump, drugs and alcohol, medical and hospital content, graphic gore, intimate partner violence, and animal harm. It can be tricky to draw the line of what counts – what needs a warning? If you’re in doubt, just warn it anyway. It doesn’t hurt.

If someone requests a trigger be warned for, even if it’s something that feels obscure or tame, show compassion and agree to the request. This is someone who cares enough about being able to read your writing that they wrote in! They want to be able to read it and enjoy it. You’re being complimented.

Otherwise, look at what other blogs tag for. You’ll see some variation in styles and levels of detail, but it’s a good way to gauge what people think is warn-worthy, when we’re often writing stuff that would already be R-rated in mainstream media.

The easiest way to make sure people don’t see your triggering content is to use a cut. Tumblr is not a very functional website and likes to delete cuts, but a cursory check of your posted content will usually tell you whether it’s worked. With asks, cuts are very spotty, so don’t be afraid to post an ask response separately with a screengrab of the original question. People often then respond to the ask itself with a link to the post, especially if it’s a whole drabble. Tumblr is weird and bad so just do your best.

Content notices

I.e., a quick summary before the drabble, usually in bold, to state what will be coming. I like to distinguish between using content notes (CN) and trigger warnings (TW) to indicate severity. Others might use the old phrase ‘dead dove do not eat’ to indicate this is a heavy piece, and often you will see qualifiers like ‘intense’, ‘mild’, ‘mention’, ‘referenced’ (i.e. it is discussed but not actively happening), and ‘implied’ (as the opposite of ‘explicit’). I’ve also seen a couple of people use ‘vibes’, which is a really nice way of demonstrating that it’s there, but not the focus. A quick paragraph like this, or just a line, lets people make a quick risk assessment on their reading.

This is also important if you’re sending in asks or requests to people. If you want to ask about something triggering, send an inquiry first about whether the blog is okay to hear it.

Tagging

Tagging is a chore, but it’s your primary way of warning people about your content. The main benefit of tagging is that you can be as detailed as you want, because can be tagging for content in general, not just triggers.

In a best case scenario, you’d tag the kind of whump you’re doing, tag triggers, tag characters, and even your ‘verses, because tagging is your index for your blog. If you tag reliably, you help your future self and your readers find stuff, and you also make your blog really dang safe. People who have unusual triggers can blacklist tags, and will pick up on your content tags to help them.

Don’t just tag your own writing. Tag your reblogs, tag your prompts, tag your asks. Yes, edit your asks to add the tags. Tag your images and gifs. Tag your images as images and your gifs as gifs.

If you aren’t up for detailed tagging for whatever reason, just tag for triggering content, and add stuff to that list if you’re asked to. My usual technique is to make a mental note of tags while I’m formatting and editing before posting.

Be aware that your first five tags will be used in search results. If you’re using tags that are associated with kink too, such as ‘shibari’, you might want to rethink your tag order if you don’t want interaction from those blogs. Also think about what tags might come up in non-whump contexts, such as ‘collar’ or ‘PTSD’. Some tactics for getting around this I’ve seen are adding ‘whump’ after the content or writing the tags in past tense (i.e., ‘collared’).

It is also a good idea to watch out for when you might be reblogging something whumpy that is intended as kink / porn / fetish, especially in images. Tagging these as spicy / nsfw / kink is a sensible move.

Writing with Care

Okay, now for the harder stuff.

I mean here to lay out some guidelines for how to write in a way that helps your reader build good faith. This is a much more nuanced topic, and it’s different for everyone. There will always be differing opinions on what should and shouldn’t be written about, what a good depiction of a sensitive topic is, and how to discuss that topic. I tried to strip this back into absolute basics that I hope we can all agree on.

Maybe your whump involves abuse. Maybe it’s gaslighting. Maybe it’s severe mental health problems, or addiction, or slavery, or you write about or analogise real-world issues. Whump deals with the dark stuff, and that’s a big part of its appeal. But don’t ever forget you’re writing the dark stuff.

(Try to) Know what you’re doing

Some of us play fast and loose with plots, medical accuracy, worldbuilding, and other things that get in the way of the pain we crave. This is all well and good, but when we start using whump that speaks true to people’s lived experiences, we shouldn’t be careless with it. I’m particularly talking about things that get represented poorly in mainstream media, such as abusive relationships, issues around marginalisation, mental illness and disability.

Be critical of media that you’ve consumed. Think about how its depicted things that you want to depict in turn. Look for opinions on fictional representations of those issues. Be aware that you might be more ignorant of things than you realise.

Look at how others are writing these issues, particularly if they’re writing from a perspective different to yours. If you haven’t personally experienced what you’re writing about, e.g., if you don’t have PTSD and you want to depict a character who does, seek out stuff written from or with experience. Listen to the experts.

If you’re looking for stuff about representation specifically, I recommend this collection of posts about ‘Braving Diversity’ cultivated by Writing With Colour, who are in themselves a fantastic resource for this topic, and have recommendations for other blogs that deal with intersecting issues.

Listen to others

Missteps are inevitable. Nobody is perfect. If constructive criticism is offered, that’s also a compliment to your writing. Someone read your work and thought about it, and thought you’d care about improving it. They’re offering themselves as a resource for helping you see your work in a new light.

Criticism is hard and sometimes hurtful, but even if we don’t think it’s accurate, there’s often a grain of truth in it. If someone tells you that your writing is harmful, think about why they’ve said that, not whether or not they’re correct. This is an opinion! Opinions are subjective! But what drove someone to send that in?

You don’t have to respond to all your criticism and definitely don’t respond straight away. Being respectful to those who are trying to help you means taking the time to consider it properly. Sometimes, they don’t need a response. Others, you might want to learn more about what they think before deciding. You might have already discussed the topic, in which case, you might just want to reblog your previous posts.

If it’s sent in bad faith or is outright hateful, you’re well within your rights to just delete it and move on. You might get the same criticism over and over again, and that’s exhausting, and you don’t have to retrace your steps for everyone.

But if it’s new, even if it puts your hackles up, you can always stop and wonder why someone felt that strongly about your work.

Take a step back

One of my better-known characters is a pet whumper who conditioned his victim to adore and depend on him. It’s not always easy to represent how deeply messed up that is within the text – though I think that’s part of the challenge – but in meta-commentary, I am always describing him as a creeptastic bastard lacking compassion and self-reflection. I hope to always give the reader the confidence that I know just how wrong it is.

This is a really simple thing you can do just to give readers good faith in you. Show that you know what you’re writing is dark and messed up. Show your understanding for the issues you’re handling and that they’re complicated. It might seem self-evident, but when you’re writing the really dark stuff, or unhealthy relationships, or institutionalised whump, you can inadvertently create the impression that you just think it’s fun. The fact that it’s fiction does not automatically absolve you. Show that you care about doing it right.

Community Interaction

I’m going to keep this one short and sweet because I will almost entirely be preaching to the choir here.

Be polite to others. Imagine saying what you’re saying to their face.

Don’t send anon hate. Just don’t. If you can send criticism off anon, do so.

Nobody is obligated to interact with you.

Nobody is obligated to monitor their own reader base.

If someone says do not interact, do not interact.

If someone says do not interact, why they’ve said that is none of your business.

You don’t need to spread the word about someone’s bad politics.

Ask yourself if your input is needed, or if what you’ve said has already been said.

You don’t have to take a side.

Take care of yourself. Take breaks. Remind yourself that whump is a small part of the world.

That’s all from me, folks. Stay safe.

#discourse...adjacent?#whump community #whump etiquette

465 notes · View notes

kelvintimeline · 4 years

Note

idk if u watched the entire thing yet if u didn't feel free to stop reading here i don't want to spoil you!!!! but if u did, idk if it was only me but bucky's entire white guilt arc was rly tasteless imo esp considering recent events & the fact they literally had him shoot an asian person & then make up for it by not even admitting it?? idk it just left a bad taste in my mouth when i saw it

First off, I do wanna say... what’s happening here isn’t White Guilt. I’m not saying that to absolve Bucky/Bucky’s writing but rather to preserve the terms actual meaning. Like I get what you’re going for but... that’s not what Bucky is going through.

That said... yeah... they are going about this racistly.

The showrunners have talked, a LOT, about how this show is going to “tackle” the issue of racism and so far it feels like it’s trying to tackle and not tackle it and rn, with Bucky’s story, it’s like “Through helping Hydra, a white nazi org, a lot of the peripheral victims weigh heavily on Bucky’s conscience and this ONE person who is gonna symbolize his many, many victims is gonna be a person of color. Watch how Bucky easily slips in to this culture to make amends except he’s not ready yet.”

I did say in my response to the review last night is “This is just the first episode, which exists SOLELY to set the stage for topics that will be dealt with in the rest of the season.” That is to say, of course nothing is resolved yet. That’s not how seasons of television work. It’s like being upset a character hasn’t gotten over their flaws in chapter one of a book.

This is Marvel, so chances are this WON’T be resolved in a way that doesn’t feel racist. I have a strong feel these characters won’t come up much again, dropped for a Bucky/Sharon romance (which would make him bailing on that girl extra distasteful, writing wise) and a “Making amends via apologies won’t fix Bucky, only kicking ass will fix Bucky!” plotline.

So, what I’m trying to say is, yeah, it’s not good. It COULD POTENTIALLY be used for something decent (though even if they continued with this plotline with this particular group, it then feels like “These people of color exist solely for Bucky’s absolution,” which is bad even if “Yeah, they’re dropped completely after this” is worse) but going by Marvel’s track record... yeah it’s not good.

Somehow, yet again, Marvel has proven that even in attempting to be “Diverse,” they don’t actually understand that like... there are racist ways to include people of color. Like if they exist solely as vehicles for a white characters character arc, that’s racist.

This isn’t as bad as “Hawkeye becomes a serial killer and happens to only go after people of color” level bad but like... it’s not great.

Nor was the inclusion of “Unique” like why the fuck did we have to show Bucky breaking up an argument between a black and Asian man? What did that scene accomplish? Why was that scene included at all? Why show a black man tryiing to... use another person’s garbage bin? What does that have to do with the plot?

Are we meant ot assume Unique is gonna come up again as like a spy or something or like... is that a truly a one off scene to show us... something about Bucky resolving conflict?

It’s fucking weird that outside of Hydra, Bucky is surrounded by people of color except for his Professional Therapist Who Knows Best for Him and isn’t being framed as incompetent, which she is.

Like... I’ve realized I’ve already stepped outside of my lane but like this shit is so apparent it’s hard to not comment on.

Considering the rumors of Eli Bradley (a young black boy who effectively becomes Young Captain America only for it to be revealed he was just stealing drugs to seem like a super soldier (despite being a descendant of the OG black captain america) and he’s kind of just... written out of the comics) being introduced in the show and knowing his relationship in the comics centers more around Bucky/Steve than Sam... I’m wary of that element too.

Like his comics origin is rocky to begin with (I love him, don’t get me wrong, I am criticizing Marevl, not Eli)... and being introduced to this sloppy Pro-Military, Weird Bucky as a Potential White Saviour In Need of A Wise Person of Color to Guide/Absolve Him just makes everything more sus.

FATWS I do not trust you.

#falcon and the winter soldier #fatws #faws #spoilers #fatws spoilers #racism cw

6 notes · View notes

beatrice-otter · 4 years

Text

This started out as a reblog of this excellent reblog chain about racism and antisemitism in both Star Trek canon and fandom, but as a white gentile fan I didn’t want to intrude or take over. And I firmly believe that if you really love something, you should love it with open eyes, seeing its faults as well as its strengths.

The thing is, Star Trek is progressive ... but it’s a very white type of progressive resting-on-our-laurels type progressivism. Sure, TOS was very progressive for a TV show of its day, but ... that ain’t saying much, and the writers and directors and showrunners were all white men and it shows. So yes, it pushed boundaries by having Sulu and Uhura, and the first scripted interracial kiss, but that was the 60s. TNG/DS9/VOY/ENT ... uh. Still very heavily white and male. Still progressive, but nowhere near as progressive comparatively as TOS, nowhere near as groundbreaking. I mean, I’m glad they listened to Avery Brooks about how his character should be designed and written! When they made a show with a female captain, they should have at least done the same, and preferably had women in creative leadership roles (as DS9 should have had black people in creative leadership roles). (I mean, all media should have diverse creative leadership for a lot of reasons, but when you have a character of color or a white woman as lead, it’s even more important that the creative team not be a bastion of white cisheteropatriarchy.) DS9 was less racist and sexist than TNG or Voyager (but made up for it by being hella antisemitic, hello Ferengi) but the thing is, these are not exactly the Shining Beacons Of Progressiveness we white fans like to think of them as. Were they better than a lot of shows out there? Sure! Did they grapple with a lot of issues most other shows didn’t? Yup. But again, that ain’t saying much. (I haven’t watched Disco or Picard, so I can’t speak to those.)

As to fandom, just liking Star Trek doesn’t automatically make you somehow less racist. There’s this undercurrent among white Trekkers that “Star Trek is progressive, I am progressive, therefore all participation in the fandom is inherently progressive, therefore I don’t have to worry about racial issues in either my fanworks or my interactions with other fans.” It’s not that Trek fandom is the only fandom where white people want to assume that not actively hating black people is all you need to qualify as “not racist,” it’s that in Trek fandom we can use the perceived progressiveness of the show as additional armor against acknowledging the actual issues.

I’m white, but I remember how terribly the AOS fandom has treated both the character of Uhura (who DARED to break up the Kirk/Spock white male slash juggernaut) and fans of color. The argument was that it was homophobic to put Spock in a relationship with a woman. And that it was a betrayal of feminism for Uhura to have a romantic relationship. (A black woman getting to have a fulfilling romantic relationship is a step forward, not a step back. Nyota Uhura is not a white girl.) That whole discussion--which included fans of color getting attacked even in dedicated Spock/Uhura spaces, and ended up with the main Spock/Uhura LJ community doing a lot of educational pieces about racism and misogynoir and privilege and how not to be a dick--was back in 2009. Over a decade ago. And we are still having the same damned discussions and treating fans of color the same damned way. It’s exhausting for me as a white person; I can’t imagine what it’s like for fans of color. And the thing is, the reason we are still having the same. discussions. over. and. over. is that the majority of white fans do not learn. We don’t. We need to.

None of these issues are new.

Star Trek has usually been at least a tiny bit more progressive than the society around it. That doesn’t mean that the show is perfect, and it definitely doesn’t mean the fandom is. We can and should do better. If we are truly committed to the ideals of Star Trek, that shining world of the future where prejudice of all kinds is greatly reduced and people usually choose to do the right thing and act with justice and compassion for all ... that should be reflected both in how we treat one another, and in what stories we choose to write. And it isn’t.

Listening to fans of color and educating ourselves on anti-racism is a good first step, and then putting what we learn into action and working to treat fans of color better is a good second step, but there are a lot of other posts about those sorts of resources. I’d like to talk about fannish output, what we create.

You know how people say “oh, well, the reason fandom focuses on white men is because they’re a higher percentage of screentime, therefore they’re the ones most likely to be interesting.” Let’s look at DS9, shall we? A show with a black man in the leading role. As of June 30, there are 6725 fics tagged DS9 on AO3. Benjamin Sisko (you know, the LEADING MAN), is tagged in only 961 of them. If you look at how many fics each character is tagged in, he is the sixth person on the list.

But wait! you say, that doesn’t tell the complete story, because sometimes people only tag the pairings, not the individual characters, and therefore they don’t show up in the character tags! So let’s look at that. The top relationship is Bashir/Garak, with 2797 fics (almost HALF of all the stories in the fandom). You know what the second most popular relationship is? Platonic Bashir&Garak, with 372 fics! You know what the #7 relationship in DS9 is? Garak/Parmak. Parmak is a character from a book series who never appeared in the TV show. Sisko, the leading man of the show, doesn’t even APPEAR in the list of top ten relationships in the fandom! Julian Bashir is there four times, Garak three. (Jadzia/Worf is #6)

But wait! you say, the canonical pairings for Sisko were mostly recurring roles not main characters, and he didn’t really flirt with anyone he wasn’t canonically linked with, so maybe he does better when you go with only fics tagged “gen” i.e. not focused on romantic and/or sexual relationships. (I mean, I think it’s a stretch because Janeway gets paired with Tom Paris a lot, and she doesn’t flirt with him in canon, and she rarely gets paired with Tuvok despite how often they touch hands which for a Vulcan is ... wow. But for the sake of argument we’ll say that Sisko not flirting much with anyone besides his canon partners is the reason he’s not shipped much.) And sure, when you limit it to fics tagged “gen” he appears in the top ten list of characters! In fourth place, with 396 out of 1876 fics. (#1 is Bashir, with 822 fics. #2 is Garak, with 652 fics.)

And, like, I get that Bashir and Garak are certainly very slashtastic, the actors were going for that flirty vibe in earlier seasons until they were ordered not to. But it’s still ... pretty obvious that popularity of both shipping and gen fics is heavily influenced by racism and colorism.

I’m not trying to police fandoms or shipping or anything like that. I’m just saying that “but this is who resonates with me/this is who I like/this is who inspires me” doesn’t absolve us from looking at the reasons why some characters are more interesting to us than others. (It’s racism. We’ve all lived our entire lives in a world shaped by racism and colorism, and it’s shaped our gut reactions and our preferences even when we consciously believe racism is wrong.)

And you know what? You can influence your feelings. You can train your gut to be less racist. When you watch a show, pay conscious attention to the black characters. Take a few minutes after watching an episode to think up a piece of meta or a plot bunny or something for each character of color who appears in that episode. If you do this consistently over a period of time you will train your brain and your gut to be more interested in characters of color. Also, when you’re deciding what to write, actively choose to favor plot bunnies featuring characters of color. It’s not that you shouldn’t write white/lightskinned characters and ships, but that we should all be making a conscious effort to up the percentage of characters of color we write about. (And also, you know, do at least the bare minimum of work to not write racist or antisemitic tropes. @writingwithcolor has many useful resources.) That’s not the only anti-racism work we need to do to make fandom less racist, not by a long shot. But it is important work nonetheless.

And, above all, don’t be a dick to fans of color who point out what SHOULD BE obvious to everyone.

#fandom #racism

20 notes · View notes

kendrixtermina · 4 years

Text

Sigh. Chibnall.

Jodie Whittaker and demographic realism

So I want to make clear that I have no problems whatsoever with Jodie Whittaker’s performance - the character seamlessly kept walking across the screen, she has great energy, love the steampunk goggles.

Honestly I’ve always believed that giving existing characters a demographic change is not really as revolutionary or helpful as ppl think; New characters and stories (esp. told by writers of those samedemographics) solve the problem much better. Keeping specificity is often better than losing it, and the character still has a background (from an “advanced” civilization that used to do dirty deeds and is still kind of uppity attitudes, a character who’s decided to be against that attitude but still needs to be knocked own from the occasional uppity moment; It makes sense for them to look like a british dude, and they have the freedom to go wherever problems like sexism and racism don’t exist so... ), and will be linked to its origin. But at worst something that will look dated in a few years like the 80s outfits, the show’s done dated and crowdpleasing before; There’s no hard reason not to do it and I expected no quality dip.

It certainly worked as as attention grab, the premiere drew a lot of attention but that only lasted as long as it took for the reviews to go sour. But one of the main good things its proponents said could come of it was to help the lack of female anti heroes. So far she really didn’t get to anti hero much; It’s not Whittaker, it’s the scripts.

I want to make this clear: Varied demograpics are good;

This is why I kind of hate the term “diversity” is one of those vague euphemisms if you mean “demographic representation”, “social equity” or “demographic realism” just say that.

In a way this is a good thing, it used to be only the best boldest writers who could get away, noadays it has become acceptable to have varied casts. And that’s how it should be artshouldn’t have to have to pass some arbitrary quality standard to simply reflect reality. But as the rebootverse and star trek discovery should’ve proved realistic demographics can’t replace good writing. Sometimes lack of realistic demographis is associated with bad writing because both come from play-it-safe more-of-the-same consummerism focussed sameyness, often someone who goes against the formulas has a solid vision which makes them good, and focussing on ignored topics and perspectives can yield new ideas (consider stuff like Wonder Woman, Get Out, Black Panther... which were just good, novel movies) but you could have a super interesting memorable story where everyone is a medieval european monk, but the characters are differentiated by personality, attitude, beliefs, or something where the cast ticks all sort of all demographic boxes but the characters are 1D and the story trite and predictable

On the one hand you get those gamergate adjacent fanboys who make “diversity” and “good writing” out to be enimical opposites and then you have the purists/antis who treat any critique of writing to be founded in having something against realistic demographics. You need both!

Series 11

There were good things about it: An attempt at leastto do more of your classic thought provoking space operas or going back to the shows’ pulp fiction roots, covering some historic periods/topics other than the classic historical fiction tropes (they got a pakistani writer, had Yaz and Ryan discuss social topics among themselves etc.), the emotional story centered around this family coping with a loss, having Ryan sort of be the “main” companion and the one the rest of the team is protective of

But overall the reason I didn’t rush to watch s12 as soon as it came out is that it was a bit... bland. The team interacted mostly with each other; The Doctor had more charge with one shot characters like King James or the Solitract than she really did with the companions. Graham was such a missed opportunity. Remember how everyone loved the dynamic with Wilfred? No attempt to strike a bond over how they’re the older party members, or the professional xenophile trying to nudge the bilbo baggins like reluctant hero? We’re told the Doctor really likes Yaz, and I believe it cause she always liked people like that, but are we shown?

For all that Moffat and RTD were very different writers with different strenghts and weaknesses, both were very character-driven writers, and that was really missing here a bit.

Some ppl said they didn’t give Yaz enough screentime or personality - but the thing is, they did try. They just failed. They let her make little remarks here and there about her homelife, they just never really assembled into a whole beyond buzzwords and inspirational platitudes and the Standard Companion Traits. I didn’t get a read on what she’s about or who she’s like until the pakisan episode where she unlike Barbara, Donna etc. immediately accepted that the past can’t be changed. Ah, I finally thought, she’s a very responsible dutiful person.

Everything lacks edges and defining moments.

So far, I didn’t sweat it. I though, ok, not everything can be the high-concept character driven spec fic epic type of story that is my personal favorite. Every time there was some addition to the mythos in any way someone cried ruined forever. When the time lords first appeared. When the time war was introduced.

The classics too were lower on the character driven ness; Still good pulp fiction content. (imho the character concepts themselves were often pretty good, just not used to the fullest and some of the actresses were treated crappy backstage)

I thought “okey, it wouldn’t be good to break with the tradition of making the sussequent incarnations contrasting”

I did think that there was much liberty with the additions which the others did do only towards the end when it feltmore earned, but, the addition of say, sisters, isn’t too disruptive

Series 12 and the Timeless Child Nonsense

The frustrating thing about this is that it COULD have been good.

The Master teaming up with the cybermen to try and take over Gallifrey is precisely the sort of story the classics would’ve done.

“Your society is founded on a shady secret and exploitation of the innocent” is a good plot twist especially in these times. The Master finding that secret and using it to his advantage - also very him.

Imagine what it could have been like if it had been approached from the perspective of someone who, for all that they were a rebel, still sort of profited from being part of that society, someone who wants to take responsibility for that past and would maybe have to make some tough choice to let the exploitation victim go because it’s right even if it has cosequences for themselves and their civilization.

but then you ruin that by immediately taking the protagonist out of that society. They and they alone are the victim.

like this plot could have been good except for the twist that the Doctor and the timeless child are the same.

Not connecting it to existing lore about the earlier war game days, everything with Omega and Rassilon, that bit about the Time Lord becoming what they were through exposure to the untempered schism... that might be forgiven. Even if it does stretch the suspension of disbelief that every single piece of sci fi scanning equipment in the show didn’t pick anything up; Not to mention that it destroys the stake on every heroic sacrifice or death prophecy plot, every time a companion or oneshot character took the bullet, the whole “out of regens” plot...

This is not me being mad about things being added or changed, but this being done in such a way that undermines the philosophy, the whole flavor...

Yes, the MC is mysterious, the 7th Doctor arcs did a lot with this etc. but doesn’t spelling something out this clear not deplete rather than add to that? It#s a definite answer even if the final origin isn’t clear.

But they’re so much else.

The trickster hero accomplishing great deeds with planning, guile, improvisation and duct tape, the implicit value that ressourcefulness trumps raw power.

The rebel, different because they chose to be or made themselves to be such through their adventures, sticking to their own values in a close-minded society - who embodies & encourages thinking for yourself in every situation and universal plot, who battles enemies like the Daleks and Cybermen that represent comformity

Yeah they have many names yeah they take out gods... but all this was the result of their actions & path in pursuit of knowledge, and also, as Moffat once stated, the funny part is that behind all the fearsome reputation is wit and duct tape.

The fish in a small pond who started out a misfit, failed their tardis driving exam... etc. and often made a point that they didn’t want immortality or endless godlike power. That’s meaningless if they had it to begin with.

The explorer who wanted to see more than their corner of the world.

The ANTI HERO that’s made alltogether too tragic here, too absolved from their uppity civilization

All that is wiped away if they were this special creature to begin with.

Where WAS the philosophy, rly? The big humanist speeches that made me love the show.

Going Forward

So I think - I HOPE - that this in particular will be treated like the “half human” thing from the TV movie or the now josses additional origin stories from the audios, or be handwaved under the “you cant get it wrong cause everything is in flux” carpet

It’s the Master effing with her to pay her back for the half broken chameleon arch thing.

It’s possible the Child actually existed, long dead or trapped somewhere - again, dirty mystery at the bottom of a stck-up society is a good twist. but this shouldn’t be more than another maybe in the multiple choice past not a definite answer.

Also, i hate this line of thought but I can’t stave it off: Why is is now that the MC looks female that we get this vulnerable, passively victimized tomato surprise rather than something with an ugly but definite choice in it.

I will probably ignore it - parts of me resents this cause “your civilization is based on a lie” could be such a good plot twist (then again the existing twists to that end from the classics and End of Time do enough rly) but if i have to choose between that and the basic meaning of the character....

#Doctor Who #timeless child #chris chibnall

7 notes · View notes

stickykeys633 · 4 years

Link

Changing thing up a bit @capricornsicle, that other post was becoming unwieldy.

You think you’re on a crusade to expose fandom racism and bias in Teen Wolf, but in doing so, because TW is such a specific beast, you make assumptions and add unnecessary hyperbole to your arguments.

You’ve assumed and ran with the idea that I’m white (many do, which is strange since my icon is a black woman) and you’ve treated me a certain way because of it. But then in the same breath you’ll say there’s inherent bias against Scott McCall, a character that many people saw as white played by an actor who is white passing.

There’s also this underlying statement that any majority of people see Scott as Latinx and automatically make it a negative thing which again, isn’t true, specifically not in Teen Wolf.

I’ve found the antis like to take black racism experiences and try to fit Scott into that category, but even a small thing like colorism makes it so it’s not equitable.

that’s a general statement about fans and critics alike holding characters of color up to a higher standard than white characters. It’s not everyone, it’s certainly not an attack on anyone, but it happens a lot, across various fandoms. White characters are much more often forgiven for the things they do than characters of color who do the same things.

This doesn’t happen with the frequency you think and in the Teen Wolf fandom when it does happen it is rarely if ever in regards to Scott. Other, more evident characters of color yes.. And the wild examples that the antis present are never equitable. Even when presented with context, they often have to padd it and stretch it to make it seem like some infraction has been done. What it does is seek to absolve Scott of ANY wrong doing, when really there is fault laid at both parties.

I’ll provide a couple of examples in the moment, but the bottom like is that Stiles/Derek/Peter stans acknowledge their faults and many times love them because of it. On the show Scott was never given the chance to acknowledge his faults, the show refused to admit that he needed to grow and be redeemed of anything. This was a misstep because he became unpalatable, not as a perfect icon, but as someone whose actions didn’t hold relevant consequences.

The Donovan Incident

Now, I disagree with some key points, but overall I think this is the most important part:

They fought, like teenagers do, especially teenagers who have gone through that kind of trauma, and then, in 5x13, they’re talking outside a gas station, and they talk and get over it,

If everyone could agree that this happened, this would be a much better place. But antis will not chalk up the experience for the contrived nonsense it was and become so enraged when people blame Scott that they can’t let it be and suddenly we’re all racists.

Which, using racism as a tool to sooth butthurt is not okay and we see it time and time again. They take every seedling and think, “how can I add racism to this so I get my way?” which is pathetic, but also sullies the impact of real racism on the show.

During this time Tracey was murdered, Mason was non-existent, they killed Noah and Lucas sent Kira to the desert and left her there. But being mad at Scott for intentionally misunderstanding Stiles is what’s racist? This is why antis and SDP Stans constantly bump heads. Everyone has been in a friend group where some new interloper comes in and riles things up. Usually trying to steal someone’s man, but you know there are certain things you do when that happens and Scott made ALL the wrong moves. He knew Stiles didn’t trust Theo and openly disliked him, it should have been an immediate red flag when Theo started in with Stiles violently killing someone in cold blood. Additionally, I would have LOVED if the show made the connection to Scott still being traumatized by Nogi, but again, the show made it seem like Scott was JUST FINE! and again, a disservice was made to his character.

The point is that a not insignificant number of fans label Scott as a constant bad friend, as someone who’s always a bad influence on Stiles, and that’s really not the case.

People who label him as a constant bad friend use this as ONE example of it. I actually questioned their friendship after Motel California. I remember there were a couple of beats that made it clear they weren’t sandbox buddies, and probably met in the community little league (was it little league or soccer that they met Theo? I forget?). There have been several instances of them not being as close as they claimed.

If Stiles can be forgiven for throwing lacrosse balls at Scott (which really fucking hurt, speaking from experience) and keying some random loner kids’ car to get him beat up because Lydia kissed him

Just a side note, Stiles was havign his fun, yes, but Scott was completely complicit in these scenes and knew 100% what was going on. Stiles was helping Scott by testing his tolerance and helping him control his heartbeat and yes they did it in bonehead teenage boy ways, but there was nothing malicious or racially motivated about it. Talk about holding characters to different levels. You’ve all made the white characters irredeemable supremacists when nothing in the canon alludes to this.

a few antis forgive Stiles but condemn Scott. And that’s because of racial bias that makes those particular antis hold Scott to much higher standards than his white friends, which is a nice way of saying it’s racism.

Which again, is wrong in that you have absolutely no way of quantifying this for every viewer. There’s no such thing as special Scott centric racism. If someone is racist, they’re going to show it against anyone not white on the show, and that’s simply a) not the case and b) impossible to determine from the asks of one anon and some misinterpreted fic.

Liking Scott isn’t pro-POC, no, but it is tied to racial issues in Hollywood, popular media, and fandom. Scott being Latinx (despite the fact it never comes up, he’s played by a Latinx actor and is undoubtedly TV’s favorite “ambiguously brown”) makes him connected to racial issues.

But it doesn’t, because Teen Wolf was specifically created as a world without color so coding Scott as race-neutral meant that audiences had the choice to view him that way and many did. I mean, look at the show, he has two white Italian actors playing his parents, his last name is McCall and his mother’s maiden name was Delgado which could mean anything. Jeff had a habit of casting white women with Latinx last names they got from a gracious step-father, it’s not a leap to say this was true of Melissa. This is why I refuse to give the show any representation points. Diversity sure, they’re there, but they’re not well represented and again, this neither starts nor ends with Scott McCall.

Liking Scott is something that a lot of viewers of color end up doing

Again, not entirely true. Liking Boyd? Yes. Deaton, Morrell, Kira? Yes. Scott? Sure... the response to Scott from Latinx fans was varied in interesting ways. Some went up hard for him and while I don’t acknowledge the show’s version of Scott, I write him as half Mexican in every fic. There are some who, like you, were so excited to see someone like themselves and that’s beautiful and awesome. There were also some that started excited but then were like “oh, he’s playing a white boy” which people like to forget was VERY much a thing. There was no reason to think Scott was white and in fact when Jeff received the Alma award, it was for casting Posey and not necessarily having a Latinx character. In the beginning of Teen Wolf he was actually asked if Scott was white (the phrase they used was “All American” which...), And there were still others who hated Scott instantly and thought he was wack and did NOT see themselves in him.

So even within the Latinx community alone there were several opinions. Now spread that out to hundreds of thousands and then millions of viewers. So when you say “Liking Scott is something a lot of VOC end up doing” you’re creating a value based judgement on the idea of liking YOUR version of Scott McCall.

Which isn’t fair and isn’t correct.

YOU ended up liking Scott because YOU appreciated the interpretation. No one can take that away from you. But when you cast this net of racism, you’re gonna end up with a lot of things that don’t fit the term and a lot of people mad that they’re caught in your web of racial bias.

if it’s the burden of POC to fight for representation tooth and nail, then that’s the fight I’ll be fighting.

Part of it is that sometimes I worry that if I don’t post about them, if I don’t post gifs of them and talk about them and make them be part of the teen wolf tag on this site, no one else is going to.

We talked about this with your first post. Generally I’m sympathetic, but I do take issue with your methods. Yes, I’ve seen those gif tax posts and I love the concept, but... tax is something you pay in the exchange for something that you want. I don’t see POC characters as tax and I get it’s just a clever way to name what you’re doing, but I think it makes it so negative when celebrating the POC characters should be an enjoyable and inclusive thing.

If you feel alone, it’s because you haven’t reached out to anyone. I know a lot of creators who make content for characters of color, The problem is that when you accuse people of focusing on white characters in a show FULL of white characters and cover them with a blanket of systemic bias, you’re alienating a lot of people who don’t want the drama.

Someone just released some ao3 stats of POC characters in Sterek fics verses TW fics as a whole and Kira was sadly underrepresented, showing up in just under 45% of fics. My answer to that isn’t to scream at Stereks about how racist they are against Asians. Instead, I wanna have a Kira appreciation event, but until I can, I make sure to write Kira into my fics because I love her. I repost gifsets with her in them, I comment and seek out people who create for her and support them and if you approach some creators, the’re happy to be amenable. I’ve left comments on fics asking for a certain character and sometimes they rightfully say no, but sometimes it’s not a problem and the change is awesome.

I feel like the bulk of antis have an idea in their mind and don’t give anyone else a freaking chance. And then, when anything negative is said about Scott, they go awf like SEE!!?!> RACISM!!!!!! when it’s honestly not the case. The anon doesn’t represent even the minority of the majority of stereks. Tumblr doesn’t, ao3 doesn’t, twitter doesn’t. That’s why it’s so much less stressful to find out ways to insert diversity and representation rather than browbeating others to do it out of shame.

There’s this perceived bias that worms it’s way in that simply doesn’t exist at the levels you think it does. Because not only are you assuming that people dislike the characters of color because of their color, but also that they harbor negative feelings.

But, as we’ve learned from K-pop fans, it seems white people are much more willing to enjoy and put out East Asian representation than representation of people darker than them

Kira was undoubtedly brought in to bring a more Asian audience, but again, racism isn’t a pick and choose kind of thing. People who hated Kira and love Scott do not see Scott as Latinx. And Kira has more posts by a small margin mostly because she was there and she had a family and large ties to the plot. Not because kids loves k-pop (which wasn’t even that big during her run).

And THIS:

Boyd is stereotyped as the big, buff Black guy who’s aggressive and athletic (but almost never seen as the brains of the group, despite his intelligence,xxx and comes from a poor background and answers to an assertive white man without question

Boyd was specifically not stereotypes as aggressive and athletic, and in all fanfic is usually the one who reasons and is most level headed. He came from a poor background, but so did Isaac, and he questioned Derek and Scott. This is what I mean, while I agree that it’s your interpretation, you can’t say it’s a universal interpretation and then judge others because of it.

The only time I care is when people specifically dislike Scott because of perceived affronts to Stiles and/or Derek, and I say “perceived” because I refer specifically to ones those specific anons and antis take completely out of context, blow out of proportion, or just make up.

Lol, again, your perception, because I can give you several canon based reasons to be upset with Scott, but of course you’ll find a way, no matter how tangential to twist it, because he’s your fave and canon is a mess. This is the freaking point. Let people have their stories. It’s not hurting you if you also add in yours.

I do not believe it is possible for a 16-year-old to consent to a romantic and/or sexual relationship with a 24/25-year-old, but this post isn’t about that

Please don’t believe that you’re the first person to try this argument because you’re not and also Derek was at most 23 when Stiles was 17 (and to make it more interesting he was 19 in the original unaired pilot, but they aged him up so Kate wouldn’t be full on statutory rape, good times!)

https://stickylovessterek.tumblr.com/post/151831687742/sterek-is-not-pedophilia

Now you might not like it, and that’s totally fine and valid. But age has no basis in their relationship. I’m more interested in power dynamics, which is why I didn’t like Aria/Fitz on PLL or Marrish (which I could have been on board for, but this show is trash).

with perhaps me as Stiles, you as Scott, and the anon playing Theo during his villain phase circa season 5, trying to turn two people against each other over a larger ethics debate

Well, no, clearly I’m the Stiles since I’m right (i kid, I kid), but honestly, you’re the one putting the anon in this. I’ve been ignoring their hyperbole and we’ve been telling the antis to pick and choose and be discerning with their posts. That has nothing to do with me. If we’re Scott and Stiles then it’s one of us talking and the other not listening and doing theings they’re own way and the fact that both of us have different ideas as to which is which is really part of the fun.

But it’s not racism.

#reblog #uggh #I was trying to make these shorter #I have an actual book to work on!#discourse #anon

6 notes · View notes

niuttuc · 5 years

Text

Fourthcoming Interviews #1

(Context: The Fourthcoming is the Dimir newspaper local to the Fourth district for which my fanwalker, Anedia Kosel, works. After her file on the War of the Spark, she got another weekly column writing about planeswalkers and other planes. As she keeps her status as a planeswalker herself secret, they’re written with the help of “reliable planeswalker sources” that also help her check facts that she “couldn’t” verify herself. One of the parts of her column is, each week, an interview of a planeswalker, anonymous or not, that I might put up here. The first one I’ll publish here is an interview of a planeswalker that preferred to have their identity omitted from the interview itself, but is @land-ofthebooty‘s Medea. If you want your own fanwalker to be featured in one such interview, you can always contact me via tumblr or discord.)

Where are you from? How would you describe your home world? My home is called Theros. And hmmm...I would call it divine, something from a storybook. It is a place of gods, monsters, and heroes. Where the boundaries between the waking world and sleeping world are but a thin line.

What do you mean by that? Do people fall asleep easily? Dreams and beliefs have quite an influence on the physical world, to put it simply without going into too many details. It is a special quality to my home that I have never seen anywhere else yet.

Should they be a planeswalker themself, what would be one tip you would give to someone visiting Theros for the first time? I think the best thing is to not anger the gods… And not announce your presence too loudly. Theros has a harsh relationship with planeswalkers.

Care to tell us more about that? A few of the gods know about planeswalkers and are not too welcoming of them. [The interviewee mimed a throat being slit] They are powerful and easily displeased.

And why would they not like them? Is there anything our readers should know? Some planeswalkers cause a lot of trouble, and Theros has experienced a few in the last decade. I'm sure after a few centuries things might calm down.

I think after what happened in the Tenth, most of our readers can relate to that. How much of your time do you spend on Ravnica? I might stay for just a few days, while other times I've been here for years at a time. It depends on if any business requires me off-plane. The longest I've stayed is a little over ten years, and the shortest is ten minutes.

Ten minutes? What happened, you arrived in the middle of a rakdos party? Well, unless that'd be something you would enjoy. Honestly, it was my own fault. I had left in a hurry heading to Ravnica to see a friend… But I realized I had forgotten the gift I had planned to give them. I had to go back home to fetch it.

Haha, well, being a planeswalker doesn't absolve you from day to day life troubles! It is very true!

Would you say you're spending more time on Ravnica than other planes? Yes, I would say I do. I take a bit of time on other planes, but Ravnica is like a second home to me. I enjoy it quite a lot.

So why here rather than stay at home? Is it because of those gods disliking planeswalkers on Theros? Oh no. It’s nothing like that. I find it to be a wonderful experience...living a normal mundane life. On Ravnica, no one bats an eye or pays mind to me or what I'm doing. It’s freeing.

A mundane life? Are you someone of great importance back home? I wouldn't say great importance. I'd rather say I have a lot of responsibilities that I must tend to. My name or deeds are not well known, so nothing like that.

So you're avoiding your responsibilities by living in another world? I'd like to tell our readers that despite them being anonymous, our guest today is NOT our former Living Guildpact, Jace Beleren. [Laugh] It is true. I am not a young male human planeswalker with a fancy for the color blue.

Aren't you worried that you have those responsibilities for a reason, and that by living here there could be problems because of your absence? I would get more sleep if I did slack my responsibilities, but sadly no. I always finish in a timely matter what has been asked of me. I take pride in honoring my promises. It’s not quite that I am running from them. I just enjoy the feeling of no expectations and having a space separate from them. If that makes sense?

That’s for our readers to decide. So you have a life here. Friends, maybe even family. How many of them know of your other life? No. None of my associates are aware of my planeswalking. I prefer to be private about that.

What made you pick Ravnica specifically? I'm sure there were other worlds where you could have been anonymous on. Ravnica sort of grew on me. I've passed through many times, and found myself enjoying it every time I came. That's when I ended up getting an apartment, since I was passing through more often.

Anything specific about our city? The diversity. So much in such a concentrated space. I have never seen a world structured like this. The guilds are quite unique. Also... I enjoy the fictional books.

You're not the first one to remark on our world's uniqueness in this column. It's apparently the only city around and I, and many of our readers, still have a hard time imagining what else there could be. Would you care to show us what Theros looks like? If one ever has the chance to visit Theros, the Seasonal Nexus of Setessa is quite the sight to see.

(Art by Adam Paquette)

And now thousands of Ravnicans will get the chance to experience a fragment of it. There is so much out there. So many great unknowns to discover. I hope the people Ravnica ponder on this mystery.

They're certainly gonna have more to talk about! Is there another world beside Ravnica you particularly like? I would say a place called Lorwyn is another place of interest. I also find that I appreciate a plane called Valla as well. I think I have a preference for strange places. [Laughs]

Strange? How so? Would you put Ravnica in this category? Perhaps strange is the wrong word. Extraordinary maybe? Lorwyn has no humans, which is something that you don't see very often. And Valla? I... [The interviewee hesitated and stopped to think.] I actually don't know how to explain it. It is almost like trying to explain a color that you cannot see. It is difficult to describe.

Maybe we can have someone familiar with Valla as well in a future interview. How long have you been a planeswalker for? Yes, that is probably for the best. At this point? I would say I have been walking the planes for 30 years. Still quite young comparatively to others.

How did it start? It started with an ordeal, and blossomed from that revelation. I won't say more. I still have my secrets. NDR: In case newer readers don’t know, most planeswalkers discovered they were one through a great trauma, which is why we prefer to not push them further on the subject

What's something you learned about planeswalkers you didn't expect, or that our readers might not know? I would say that not all planeswalkers “walk” the same way. It seems when we travel to and from a place, it appears differently for different planeswalkers. I have seen some that fade away, others might teleport in a flash, while others might glow brightly before disappearing.

Do you want to share what happens to you? I am wrapped in a blanket of nyx (NDR: Nyx describes a sort of glimmering night sky) and fall into the blackened grasp of the blind eternities. If I had to describe it in a poetic way.

And in a more approachable way, how does it feel? Like you are falling, or flying. It is akin to both.

Last question... A planeswalker was responsible for the disaster only a few weeks back, and all to get back at other planeswalkers. Many here feel like planeswalkers are responsible and dangerous. What would you want to say to those people? The Multiverse... life is full of so many uncertainties. So many things that can cause pain and suffering, so many things that can do wrong. What happened to Ravnica is horrific and a tragedy. However, a truth was learned. And all the people of Ravnica have grown in a way that would have never been possible before. I see a united Ravnica, and one that has stepped forward like no other plane I've seen before. You have all uncovered and experienced a great mystery of existence itself. The people of Ravnica, you are strong, and you have so much life in you. You fought alongside each other, with those that came from other worlds. You all banded together to protect what is most precious. And that is truly beautiful.

So I ask of you, do not fear the unknown. Do not fear the unforeseen. Do not fear what you do not understand. Planeswalking is a force not of good or evil, but simply of what you make of it. Make it into something special, and use it to continue growing as a plane and as a people.

Thank you for answering my questions today, that will be enough for this week. And thank you for listening!

#Fourthcoming #4thcoming #mtg #fanwalker #fanwalker interviews #anedia #Medea

7 notes · View notes

plunder-heaven-and-devour-god · 6 years

Text

Tropes!

My brother and I are discussing how to put out tropey indulgent media out there while still making original content that is aware of its environment.

We were looking at tropes and stupidities that we never get tired of in movies/books/games and why we still kind of want them in our content. For example, I can’t get enough of Enemies to Lovers and the bro loves the Jerk with a Heart of Gold Trope. How do you incorporate that into new original ways to stories that still feature a socially conscious voice?

You cannot slap on traits of that trope and expect it to work. You cannot frame the shortcomings of the trope as ideal and you cannot gloss over the ramifications of the trope. Discard what is harmful, take what you love, and run with it.

EDUCATE YOURSELF, really though, figure out the shortcomings of this trope. Where does it fail? Where does it succeed? I know that my Enemies to Lovers falls through A LOT! How many times do you find they’re battling each other and clearly the writers weren’t aware of the rules of said trope and they end up being ultimately flat and abusive? The Byronic Hero being the other one people get wrong A LOT. How do you tread that line with elements that can easily run into abusive and violent (or fucking stupid for that matter)? Same for the Jerk with a Heart of Gold trope, which done properly is great. How many of us have fallen prey to any character who cracks wise and makes bad decisions but ultimately loves and cares? If done badly it treads into dismissive/belittling/abusive

To give examples of two shortcomings and two successes with these tropes I’ll offer up:

Byronic Hero:

Good: Mr Rochester

Bad: Literally any bad YA love interest

“Byronic heroes are charismatic characters with strong passions and ideals, but who are nonetheless deeply flawed individuals who may act in ways which are socially reprehensible because he's definitely contrary to his mainstream society. A Byronic hero is on his own side and has his own set of beliefs which he will not bow nor change for anyone. A Byronic hero is a character whose internal conflicts are heavily romanticized and who himself ponders and wrestles with his struggles and beliefs. Some are portrayed with a suggestion of dark crimes or tragedies in their past.” THE LITERAL BYRONIC HERO TROPE PAGE

I feel like that biblical paragraph sums up the Byronic Hero. Where lets say Rochester and Frankenstein or their modern equivalents never have their behaviour or actions framed as good, we still find ourselves engaging with them. It’s indulgent in its admission. It has to be your bag, and it’s that you have to be here for. You have to like engaging with a character that has done bad things but still has enough emotional relatability that instills fascination.

What is not fascinating/enjoying/attractive is watching bad YA that frames these bad qualities as ideal or go as far as to fetishize them. For instance, the possessive boyfriend angle ‘cause it’s hot is one of my PET PEEVES. YOU WILL ALWAYS GET MORE TRACTION WITH FRAMING THEM AS BAD THAN HAVING THEM DO CREEPY SHIT AND BANKING ON US EMOTIONALLY ENGAGING WITH THEM POSITIVELY. (Looking at you Tiger’s Curse)

You have to be aware where the trope works and where it doesn’t. The authors of bad YA have the intent to make them conflicted/tragic/flawed but don’t really want to examine what made those byronic heroes enjoyable. Instead they take surface attributes and slap them on. Byronic Hero is hiding a wife in the attic (BAD and framed as such)! Bad YA Love Interest is demeaning and patronizing to flirt (BAD and framed as good!) Challenges God and Nature and is NOW A FATHER (Not So Great Frankenstein and not framed as such) . Bad YA Love Interest is physically possessive because that is what this demographic finds sexy (BAd and framed as Good)

Here is an alternative! YA Love interest does bad shit and its not framed as anything good! The protag can react with more autonomy than :Oh that’s hot and my reader’s will think so too! The protag can be dismissive, angry, or shitty right back! No one is absolved! But you can still engage with them on a more nuanced level. You can suddenly make connections with the Byronic Hero because you understand their fear or their conflict, rather have it be a lazy flashback to explain why your bad YA Love Interest is being shitty.

How to be indulgent: Make your awful characters awful and frame them as such! IF you’re able to create a subtle character that warrants the trope then clearly they have what it takes to be engaging!

The Jerk with a Heart of Gold trope:

Good: Iron Man (I know people with debate this but we like him in this house so go with it)

Bad: Any sitcom husband ever

“A person you would expect to be a big Jerkass has some redeeming qualities behind their tough demeanor. Occasionally, they'll try to make it a Hidden Heart of Gold.” - The Jerk with a Heart of Gold TV Tropes Page.

Awareness is a big factor in incorporating this trope into new ideas and new content because I don’t think this one is ever going away. It obviously manifests in different capacities and genres. But I chose the above examples because they’re familiar, and can be played for drama and laughs.

Tony Stark is a good iteration Jerk with a Heart of Gold because his actions aren’t framed as harmless or irrelevant. He is a hot mess, he says it himself. He makes bad decision after bad decision and endangers himself and others in the process. Why does he still have a heart of gold? He still gets the “save the cat moment” and he is given time to show his conflict and reasoning as relatable. He creates Ultron, sides with the UN in Civil War (I still see a lot of his motivation as valid which to each their own when it comes to that movie). He does so out of guilt and the desperate need to hold himself accountable. Being the only person on the avengers who fights by ways of inventions he has understood the consequences of bringing this technology in the world and stepping up an arms race. And yet he continues to fight. To an audience we see his shortcomings as an individual. And yet we feel for him. He is framed with a more subtle dialogue, he is flawed, he tries to be heroic, but he has no clue what he’s doing, and continues anyways.

I bring Sitcom Husband up because so often show writers will create Sitcom Husband with harmful and toxic male coded traits in mind. They are:

Callous, lazy, clueless, domineering, stupid, always wrong, uglier than their partner, enforce toxic gendered norms, homophobic, transphobic, and/or racist?

You are not framing your Sitcom Husband’s actions as shitty and bad and worthy of changing. They are being framed as commonplace, expected, and normal. These are not just “jerk” things to do, they are emblematic of larger social issues that many sitcom writers shouldn’t be allowed to tackle. There is the opportunity to have characters that evolve and change but they aren’t allowed because they represent you, the male viewer, and you are shitty and unable of changing. And to all the other genders out there: this is your lot and life, this is how people will treat you.

Flawed Superhero sides with the UN (Not Ideal but Framed with Good intentions). Sitcom Husband cant remember anything relevant about children’s lives (NOT GREAT but framed as commonplace instead emblematic of a larger issue).

To give an example of Sitcom dads who don’t hit this bad note: Bob from Bob’s Burgers is great, he’s tired of his family’s Shenanigans, but loves them and would do anything for them. An example of Jerk with a Heart of Gold that doesn’t have his shitty actions framed as okay but is still likeable (sounds a bit Byronic Heroish but he’s not trust me).

The Lens:

Gender

The Byronic Hero and the Jerkass with a Heart of Gold are very gender laden tropes as well. The moment you apply these tropes to people who are not cis men, they transform in meaning, and not to mention, there are BARELY ANY OF THEM. Just trying to find villains who are just cis women with proper writing is a task in 2018. These terms get applied to men and their definitions are validated by their interaction with heroines or other men.

The failed Byronic Hero is aimed at “female audiences”. It’s a tangled snare of a male content creators guessing at what “women” want and women who have fetishized and internalized the failures of this trope. All come to the conclusion that “chicks dig bad boys”. Not to be that person, but it also vastly misunderstands the appeal that Byronic Heroes have for all genders. It is extremely difficult to create new content that pays homage to this trope without hitting the pitfalls of most media.

The failed Jerk with a Heart of Goal is aimed at a gender dichotomous audience. It’s a snub of content creators of what they think, you, man or woman, are. The faults are framed as inevitable manifestations of gender and yet still excusable because these jerk related tendencies are just part of being man or a woman, and not a vast social system that favours few and marginalizes many. This extends to race and sexuality as well. Your jerkishness is thanks to your identity, and therefore, unchangeable.

Race

From a race perspective? They’re all white. We are at a point in Western Media, at the very least, where diversity is becoming an increasing demand. But with media content creators still being part of an out of touch racial group, it’s difficult to see any character, let alone anyone with the discussed tropes represented. We are at the point where your diversity, if a larger role, is going to be portrayed as perfect. This is a major issue I take with creating poc, and woc characters, not to mention characters of different gender and sexual identities. There aren’t enough diverse content creators to get us past this block of creators making them perfect because they don’t know how to make a human character who is also of color.

This makes the Jerkass with a Heart of Gold impossible to tackle. We are starting to see more fleshed out characters nowadays. It is still a fairly recent sensation to HAVE A SELECTION to chose from.

I would love it if Byronic Heroes and Jerks With A Heart of Gold came in color. We are meant to watch white guys do bad shit and engage with the conflict of their character. And as a mixed race women it is definitely a weird place to sit when one does enjoy tropes like that. IT’s even more unsettling when we can’t extend that empathetic engagement to men of color, or woc, or god forbid, trans people. (let everyone have a byronic hero honestly)

And in a world of hate crimes and deplorable race relations, what is the relevancy of this trope? What is the relevancy of this trope in a visual mass media already saturated with badly written YA Love Interest or Not So Deep Byronic Heroes?

I’m not an expert, but as a consumer of books/tv/movies/etc I don’t think fiction is the root of all mankind’s evil and I don’t think fading this trope out of visual mass media is going to get rid of it. I, personally, think we need more content creators of color, of different gender identities, and different sexualities reinterpreting Jerk Ass with a Heart of Gold and the Byronic Hero.

Gender Binary and Sexuality

I chose these two tropes because they’re traditionally VERY gender related. And I mention this to clarify that the market is aimed at a gender binary: straight girl or straight boy. Gays, Bis, Non Binary, Gender fluid, or trans folk, for example, are left out of the equation of: what do they want to see in media?

I do know that for as long as evil has existed there has always been a very clear coding as to what the villain’s sexuality might be. It’s clearly deplorable how literally the only representation a huge marginalized community get will be in the form of a morally or sexually debauched villain. Which is why I will never forgive LeFou being made gay (you couldn’t have picked any other character from your 600000 other features Disney?).

Also as a Cis woman, I don’t feel like I can do an accurate run down of how indulgent tropes fail or succeed with a LGBT lens. I have a base idea of WHAT NOT TO DO but I would rather see other people talk about it!

So PLEASE! Add to this discussion! I would love to hear about which tropes you love but where media fails you and in what capacity! Or where they’ve gone right!

But as someone who loves their tropey enemies-to-lovers and villains I will keep returning to them in my media consumption and I be subject to paying them homage when the time is appropriate!

That being said! I had no clue this would get so long.

#whoops #this #really #wasnt supposed to take so long this evening #its been something I've been thinking about for a long time #what makes an orginal project and what makes one pastiche #or even worse derivative and completely missing the point #where do we fall into those pitfalls and how #tropes #media critique?#freestyle media critique?#MY EYES #ARE BURRRRNING #why did i do this #do i miss writing essays?#apprently so?#i woke up in a cold sweat #thinking oh god i forgot the read more

3 notes · View notes

criticalalexandrite · 7 years

Text

SU sucks at writing Grey Morality

For a show that’s so obsessed with grey morality they have a poor understanding of how it works. Let me explain. Grey morality has nothing to do with gauging how good or evil someone is. It has do with establishing and addressing actually potentially debatable questionable morals, that’s it. That means in such a story a good guy can have questionable morals pointed out by an unbiased too. In fact they absolutely should so long is this isn’t being used to debate whether or not abuse is evil because that misses the point. And the other issue is the show writes characters with questionable morals is the writing bias. You can’t make a show about characters with questionable morals and favor some characters over others. That defeats the whole purpose of the concept. All the characters would have to be judged equally for their grey morale. And the other issue is the show has a preschool level understanding of grey morality. You know, well rounded grey morality which the show advertises itself with Literally in every ep that redeems a morally grey character it’s reduced to pity parties, a bunch of crying and erasure of future tension in character arc conclusions. What I mean is when these characters cry over being called out for their moral ambiguity, the show’s narrative never questions them again. Despite the fact that...morally grey characters are supposed to be constantly questioned. Oh yeah and the other issue is that when the show goes into morally grey arcs it becomes...disconcertingly clear how their understanding of that is skewed. And what I mean by that is they call the wrong things morally grey. If a character that’s not as favored by the crew wants to stand up to their abusers/antagonists, they’re painted as evil for those “problematic morally grey views.” But when a favored character does it they’re called good and perfect no matter what. Let me give examples. Bismuth, Garnet, Amethyst, Jasper, the Ruby Squad, CG Ruby and Sugilite are all painted as evil for expressing morally grey views. Never mind the fact the show said there are no villains. But I guess that changes when their least favorites are involved. Then there’s Pearl. Lapis, Peridot, Blue Diamond and Steven who are always painted as perfect victims no matter what awful things they do. Although I’ll admit Rose Quartz is an...interesting case. She could’ve been close to becoming an actually morally grey character, considering her past. But then the show starts messing up in season two and three with its writing bias again. Rose starts showing in season two that she’s really manipulative but she’s not judged for manipulating people for her own petty gain. She’s portrayed as misunderstood and “trying her best.” Which would’ve been tolerable if the show followed up on showing it as morally grey. Nah though, of course they can’t do that. Because when it comes to her world views on killing, she’s 100% flawless for being a pacifist. Which apparently absolves her of being manipulative frequently to the crewniverse. Yes, that’s right. The morally grey show is trying to act like being a pacifist is inarguably the right path. Never mind the fact that pacifism succeeding relies on snubbing the abuse/assault victims that can’t be passive due to the state of their life. You know, even though the whole morally grey thing would apply to pacifists too? The show doesn’t even have the naunce to at least address that since Rebecca herself is a pacifist hippy. So, that means Rose right and Bismuth evil. Even though all Bismuth wanted to do was shatter the Diamonds and the willing abuse apologists in the Homeworld system. So much for pacifism being the absolute morally ethical choice here. Then she’s revealed to be the one who killed Pink Diamond. Oh hey looks like the show’s trying to be morally grey again right? WRONG! Instead because the Diamonds are now “the real heroic victims all along” post-Steven Bomb 5, this makes Rose the villain now. Yes. Rose is the villain...for supposedly killing her abuser out of self defense. *cue screaming* Oh and then, come next Steven Bomb that wasn’t true after all! That was just a conspiracy started by Yellow Diamond! One of the Diamonds is the real evil again! Making that whole turnabout arc absolutely pointless. (And also the Diamonds are revealed to be abusers but gotta ignore that so we can pity Blue Diamond still as the pinnacle of pacifism.) Especially since no morally grey examination happens in any of that. You know, the show that says there’s no such thing as a villain in the series. And also insists everyone is morally grey? Oh and you know that’s another issue with Steven Bomb 5. It tries to paint abusers as morally grey. ABUSERS. If you honest to God think that abusers are inherently morally grey then you’re dangerously naive. But I’ll semi- give the fans the benefit of the doubt in that regard. Because the crewniverse seems to believe this too and are the ones preaching this as moral purity. It’s even self-admittedly apart of Rebecca’s peaceful fantasy world for even abusers to be redeemed. You can look that up yourself on her interview about season 5′s pitch. I can’t believe it still has to be said that abusers shouldn’t be given morally grey arcs. But that’s this terrible world full of people with horrible comprehension skills for you. It really feels like the crewniverse went with making their whole cast morally grey as an excuse to not change the status quo permanently. The status quo which is fundamentally flawed because it excuses abusers and manipulators. In crewniverse’s eyes morally grey changes definition. Based on which character they’re focusing on is the most aesthetically pleasing to them personally. And don’t get me wrong. This doesn’t meant I hate morally grey characters by default. I’d personally love to see a show with all grey morality characters! The problem is SU fails at it horribly due its noticeable borderline fascist writing bias. I can’t bring myself to give it an A for effort when it seems very clear the show isn’t going to try harder to make an actually diverse morally grey show.

#SU critical #SU discourse #grey morality #writing problems #crewniverse problems

90 notes · View notes

septembersung · 7 years

Text

I used to be so offended, so angry, when Protestants told me, “Catholics aren’t Christian!” (Especially since I’m related to a good many of the kinds of people who say that.) But I’m starting to have a great deal of sympathy for their motivation to say that.

No, not because I’ve suddenly lost the faith. Quite the contrary. Sure, some of that can come from a place of real bigotry - hatred of Catholics - but some of it comes from real love of the faith. Because here’s the thing: At least that accusation takes the Christian identity seriously.

Yes, the people who accuse Catholics of being idolators and not-actually-Christians-at-all, and who say you-can’t-possibly-be-saved-if-you’re-Catholic, are incredibly, fundamentally, hilariously (if by hilarity we include tear-jerking infuriation) 100% wrong. And yet! Consider:

Can one be a Christian without knowing Christ?

In my conversations with people of diverse backgrounds this month in the course of #500reasons, I’ve been surprised by just how many people are completely indifferent to the question Christian truth. It doesn’t bother them that everyone who reads the Bible walks away with a different interpretation of what “the Gospel” is, that there are irreconcilable differences between denominations. I admit to being fundamentally baffled by that response. I cannot see it as anything other than the coils of indifferentism and relativism clutching the heart of Christians and squeezing the life out of them.

Most Protestant positions admit no “degrees” of salvation because, whether they recognize it or not, they reject the reality of sanctification - that human beings are actually purified and made holy, not merely “declared” righteous by God. For most Protestants, the question is as simple as “Are you saved?” because, for most of them, “salvation” is a one time, black and white, yes or no issue hinging on assent, with wide and striking differences among Protestant theologies about what does or should happen after one assents. (Which is wild, really, given the total denial of free will that kicked off the Reformation, that Luther called the “central issue” and Calvin carried to its logical, extreme, conclusion - but I digress.) Now add that to the proliferation of denominations and individuals, all disagreeing with each other on what the Bible says, what is the right way to worship, what is “allowed” and what is not. Yet each of these denominations and individuals has (presumably) “accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and savior.”

Can this discord be the will of God? Can this contradiction among Christians be the Scriptural, apostolic view of the Church? Can the God of truth encompass falsehood? Can the God of reason command self-contradiction? Can the God of self-revelation, who became incarnate in Jesus Christ that we may see His face, be head of a ‘church’ where agnosticism - the inability to be certain of the truth - reigns? Should the one Body of Christ be divided against itself?

To borrow St. Paul’s exclamation: God forbid!

Consider John 17; Philippians 2:1-2; 1 Corinthians 1:10; 3:1-15; 12:12-13; Matthew 12:25-28.

And yet the vast majority of Protestants, even if they are of a persuasion or denomination which will say that there are right and wrong answers, will also defend this mass of contradictions and inconsistency as being “the church” or “the right/only way” (as opposed to the visible hierarchy and doctrinal unity of the Catholic Church,) and what’s more, even “good,” “acceptable to Christ.”

This is a contradiction in terms. This view of salvation and this accepting of the existence of orthodoxy and orthopraxy contradiction among Christians does not square with the Christ who tells us, “I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through me” (John 14:6).

There are degrees of participation in Christianity because one may grasp one truth but not the others that are connected to it, or believe a half-truth. Thus, one is not fully Christian unless one knows, accepts, believes, and practices the full Truth. This is why, for Catholics, “being Christian” involves strong catechesis as a life-long, ongoing process that accompanies the reception of the sacraments and the forming of the soul in virtue. It is precisely because the person of Christ is one and cannot be divided, because he himself is truth, that we cannot and must not accept contradiction and error as, or in the name of, the Gospel. He does not give us that option.

Yes, of course, we always, always, throw ourselves on the mercy of God when we pray for the salvation of sinners - which, as Catholics, we know includes ourselves. Nothing is settled about salvation until death. But Christ Himself has excluded the possibility of merely ‘hoping for the best’ - we must seek the truth for ourselves and strive to bring it to others. We must work to “know” the truth - the person of Christ - as fully and deeply as possible.

Biblically, “knowing” something goes way beyond just having it in our heads: knowing is mind and body, thought and action, a union of intimacy. The Christian faith is a faith of Truth; hence the great commission to preach and to evangelize.

In Vatican II’s dogmatic constitution on the Church, Lumen Gentium, we read:

“The Church recognizes that in many ways she is linked with those who, being baptized, are honored with the name of Christian, though they do not profess the faith in its entirety or do not preserve unity of communion with the successor of Peter. (14*) For there are many who honor Sacred Scripture, taking it as a norm of belief and a pattern of life, and who show a sincere zeal. They lovingly believe in God the Father Almighty and in Christ, the Son of God and Saviour. (15*) They are consecrated by baptism, in which they are united with Christ.“ (No. 15.)

There are two aspects of being a Christian, of having and knowing the truth, recognized here: in a real and objective sense, anyone who has received valid baptism is a Christian, regardless of their beliefs, because baptism is an objective act of God which effects a real change in a person’s soul. The reality and efficacy of baptism, widely attested to in Scripture, is a primary truth because it is the grace of God himself: it is a truth Who possesses us.

The second order of truths begin in knowledge about Christ and the faith he preaches, truths which, in their aspect as statements of fact, we grasp with our intellect and reject or accept with our will. The truths themselves are objective, but here the subjective, the individual, understanding and reception of that truth is the primary working factor. This is where we need evangelization, catechesis, lectio divina, the study of theology, and mystical devotions.

If we, Catholics, really and truly believe that we know Christ, that he can only and definitively be found, complete and whole, in the Catholic faith because this is the church and the doctrine that he founded, then how can we sit by and watch others pursue half-truths, error, and falsehood? How can we not want to reach out and proclaim the Truth?

If Protestants take seriously that we must “accept Christ” to be saved, then how can they not want to know the actual truth of him and his preaching, and to bring the fullness of that truth to others? Yes, there are many Protestants who do follow that belief through with evangelization - and even some of the evangelizers, among swaths of others, who defend the contradictory state of the competing denominations!

If we do not have the truth about Christ, then we really do not know Christ, because Christ is truth.

We can and should always hope and pray for God’s mercy on those who do not know, who refuse to accept, or who have rejected the Truth, including those who have partial truths - right about one thing, wrong about another. But that does not absolve us of the grave responsibility to preach that Truth and bring it to as many people as possible.

“If you continue in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free” (John 8:31-32).

#500 reasons and counting #my catholic thoughts

13 notes · View notes

motorcyclegirlfriends · 7 years

Note

it's about the pattern. not JJ's pattern, all shows and f/f ships. we've seen actors/producers do this many times. everyone thinks they're special and should be judged on their life of goodness. no. an action can be judged against the systemic pattern too. "not the story we're telling, just friends, i don't see it, won't happen, family show"-- this constitutes a visible pattern. the pattern is homophobic, i don't care what your feefees were at the time. also "ignorance of the law..."

Late ass reply, and I honestly hate to bring the topic up, but here we go:

“Family show” is different, actually homophobic. Has the secret meaning of “seeing gay people living their lives is harmful to children”. (This is what I mean by an innately homophobic phrase)

“Not the story we’re telling” is shady to me, because it feels like “we’re not being activists, we’re telling normal stories” which is offensive, but it might just actually be their way of saying “we’re not gonna go that direction” ? Depends on if my vibes about it are right.

“They’re only friends” is just alerting us to whether or not they’re gonna get together.

This isn’t a package deal. Saying one of these things doesn’t mean you mean or think the others, regardless of what other people have said in the past.

And the way they emphatically said it wasn’t, “you’re crazy for thinking it’s a possibility!”

It seemed more like, “everyone is going crazy for this thing that’s not actually gonna happen.” Like a half put-on exasperation. Exasperation that we have no reason to believe exists because the ship is gay.

(The common theory is that Jeremy’s reaction had to do with the fandom’s intensity. It’s both eclipsing of the canon content that they’re actually working on on purpose, and has been historically aggressive. Personally, I think Melissa was just kinda going with it for humor.)

And just in case anyone was wondering: these writers deciding not to make both of their leads wlw just isn’t homophobic.

There is indeed a pattern of not having representation in the media, not including diversity in shows over and over and over again, when writers who aren’t a minority should still be able to relate to these people enough to tell stories that include them. They should be able to see themselves in these people.

If they can’t, that hints at a larger issue within them...

But shipping is different.

Someone can’t force themselves to ship something different than their orientation. A straight writer wouldn’t feel pleasure in writing a gay relationship any more than a gay writer would feel pleasure in writing a straight relationship.

Any more than a gay person would feel pleasure in watching a straight relationship.

Expecting a straight person to change their lead- who is often their favorite character and who they most relate to- so that they start dating someone of the same sex, when they themselves aren’t of that orientation and can’t feel the emotion of the relationship, is expecting too much.

If that decision were made, it would be specifically for the benefit of the fans, for the cause, and maybe because they’re logically interested in the prospect. But they would not feel it in a romantic, emotional way. Not the way we do.

And writers write things they want to see more than they write for other people to see it.

If you’ve written fanfiction, you know that you don’t want to write for a ship you don’t ship. You might do it from time to time, in small doses for people who request something about them, but your main focus is the ship that you do like. (Side note: imagine your frustration if the ship you do like to write about is massively less popular than the one you don’t.)

This might be why most lgbt+ characters are side characters. Because the writers can’t relate to them in that way, and they want the most important character to also be their favorite character.

They can’t project themselves onto the characters and feel like they’re experiencing the romance.

And if the story is romance-focused, then it is especially unlikely that they’d have the main character be gay. Not unless there is some degree of fluidity in their sexuality.

The solution is to have writers who can relate.

Lgbt+ writers.

When writers see that the fans like something a lot, they take a second look at it, and if they agree, they might change the story.

But straight writers will never agree about gay chemistry, because they can’t feel it.

And so we need more wlw/mlm/etc. writers out there, so that when we show a writer that this other ship has chemistry, they’ll be able to feel it and then possibly turn the story in that direction, instead of only advancing the gay ships that they had designated from the beginning.

This is where Supergirl has gone wrong, in (what it looks like) pushing Ali Adler, lesbian writer, off the show. That’s what we should be raging about.

That a writer who might have seen the chemistry is gone.

Not that these writers don’t personally see the chemistry of a specific ship.

Also, you can’t say “let’s compare it to the rest of society” and then leave out the fact that they have an actual canon lesbian ship.

That’s the full picture.

And not just because they have some positive track record that absolves them, but because it means that this isn’t “give us a gay character!” to which they respond with “~We don’t want to tell that story~.”

(Or show us that, in never having a gay character or only having one for five minutes)

This is, “Make this specific character gay!”

And then they respond with, “No, actually, we plan to keep that one straight.”

So if this is the reason that what they said is homophobic, then you’re also mad at the actors for just knowing what the writers are doing.

If I had gotten a lot of asks sent to me saying “Lena and Kara might actually end up being canonically together!” I might have responded in the same way.

“They’re not gonna get together, they’re (canonically) only friends.”

Now, I’d have more tact than Jeremy, because I know people’s real feelings are involved in this, but even if I were blunt about it, it wouldn’t make me homophobic.

And your “ignorance of the law” argument just doesn’t apply to the fandom’s “feefees”.

Because that’s what's happening.

It’s not that the cast was ignorant that what they were saying was homophobic (because it wasn’t), it’s that they were ignorant that lgbt+ fans’ feelings would be hurt because they hold the ship close to their heart.

It’s like if someone called the rainbow flag ugly, not realizing that people are very emotionally attached to it’s image.

It’s kind of like, “They should probably know that people might feel that way...” but calling the flag ugly isn’t actually homophobic.

Now, if they think it’s ugly because it reminds them of gay people, that’s homophobic.

If they called it ugly to purposefully hurt gay people, that’s homophobic.

But we can’t know that that’s what they’re thinking from just that statement alone, just like we can’t know what Jeremy and Melissa were thinking from just their statements.

(This is where examples of their past “allyship” come into play. It’s not “Melissa was on glee so she can’t be homophobic.” It’s “Hey, because of their track record, we have no reason to think there was anything secretly nefarious behind what they said. They just didn’t realize how seriously wlw take their non-canon ships.”)

And yet people have been automatically projecting homophobia onto what they said.

They’re placing mockery of gay fans or feelings of disdain for two women being together onto the event when it just isn’t there.

If anything, I think if Jeremy and Melissa were actually uncomfortable with Supercorp, they’d have been exponentially more careful with their words.

#supergirl #supercorp #melissa benoist #jeremy jordan #sdcc superfail #Anonymous #the format for this is kind of a mess

49 notes · View notes

nothingman · 6 years

Link

Yesterday, it was reported that comedian Aziz Ansari has returned to standup with a routine that pretty much called out hyper “woke” culture that he was totally a part of until the release of the Babe.net article where he was accused of some sexual misconduct. This conduct was, for the most part, defended by people as not being “that bad” and a normal “bad date” experience.

Sunday night, Louis C.K returned to the Comedy Cellar to perform new material from notes and was given a warm response from audiences. After the last controversy at Comedy Cellar, this new policy was put on the door according to the Times: “We never know who is going to pop in. If an unannounced appearance is not your cup of tea, you are free to leave (unobtrusively please) no questions asked, your check on the house.”

In both of their new acts, they do not address their attendant controversies, and Aziz Ansari apparently calls out the culture, not the actions. Dustin Rowles at Pajiba attended one of Ansari’s three sold-out shows in Maine. Rowles did not spoil the set but does say in his piece that:

Ansari spends much of the show attacking the kind of culture that put him in his current predicament. Admittedly, some of it was very funny, especially when he speaks about white people trying to out-woke each other, but he also draws false equivalencies — at least in their hostile temperaments — between racist Trump supporters and militant progressives, the kind of people who complain about microaggressions and who are hostile to those who don’t use the appropriate woke terminology (binary, cisgender, etc.). While he obviously doesn’t come out and say so specifically, Ansari paints himself — and our larger overall culture, “the 80 percent of us in the middle” — as victims caught between two extremes.

As pointed out in the piece, Ansari was a part of that super woke movement with his TV show Master of None, that despite criticisms for its treatment of women of color, was much beloved for being diverse, thoughtful, and season two was overall a super-solid season with “Thanksgiving” written by Lena Waithe winning an Emmy for comedy writing and Waithe becoming the first black woman to do.

Louis C.K., before the rumors came out about him, was known as a progressive person and the fact that he seemed to support progressive issues and women in comedy was held up as why there was no way he could have done the things he was accused of. Then when it was revealed he did do those things, it was treated as “not that bad.” Now places like the Comedy Cellar are allowing their businesses to make disclaimers around him because they know the draw is worth it.

Comedy and progressivism is a hard dance because there are a lot of “progressive” comedians who simply don’t want to evolve because they see all the pushback against them as people being too sensitive. These folks support anti-racist ideology until it becomes inconvenient or complicated, like in conversations about cultural appropriation where everyone will start yelling “oh so I can’t eat Chinese food anymore?” when talking about wearing certain traditional garb. The same way everyone is anti-Capitalist until their coffee is made wrong by an underpaid and overworked barista.

Asking people to be more culturally sensitive and aware is always treated as an assault on the first amendment instead of a realization that progressive politics are constantly changing. Woodrow Wilson is considered a progressive era president, even though to take a look back at his own racist ideology, no one would still consider him a progressive today. The jokes that were made about LGBTQ people have aged so poorly that even “progressive” shows like Will & Grace can be cringy at times looking back. It doesn’t erase what was done and what was good about them overall and at the time, but we need to be able to say “things have changed.”

People also need to change. I had a conversation with a former co-worker of mine about the recent issues about forgiveness and I continue to see it this way: if you really have changed and want to change as BoJack Horseman says you have to stop doing bad things, get help and acknowledge what you did rather than just waiting for some divine absolvement.

If you are innocent, you should defend yourself, but also take time to think about how you ended up in that situation. Also, realizing that sometimes the people you have hurt, even without realizing it, won’t forgive you. It takes being able to look inside yourself and wanting to fix things or at least see what led you there. It takes effort, not dropping out of the public eye for a little while to wait for the furor to die down before your comeback appearances.

When I get negative feedback, here there are times I have to sit and really ask what I could have done better or what I missed rather than just ignoring all of it. It may have been naive of me, but I had thought that if any comedian was going to come back and be a little bit more thoughtful about this situation, it would have been Aziz Ansari. Yet he, like many, decided it was easier to blame everyone else but himself and the male-dominated culture that made him act that way. A culture he would have gladly called out a year ago.

(via Pajiba , image: K.C. Bailey/Netflix)

Want more stories like this? Become a subscriber and support the site!

—The Mary Sue has a strict comment policy that forbids, but is not limited to, personal insults toward anyone, hate speech, and trolling.—

via The Mary Sue

#IFTTT #Feedly #Nothingman uses feedly

0 notes

allgreatproductreviews · 8 years

Text

New Post has been published on All Great Product Reviews

New Post has been published on http://allgreatproductreviews.com/your-plan-isnt-the-plan/

Your Plan Isn’t The Plan

Say goodbye to emotional unavailability & hello to loving relationships.

Many of us grapple with the fear that if something doesn’t happen in the time frame that we want it to, that something bad will happen or that we won’t get it at all. We fear missing out. We terror that we misread the timetable given that the closing chance saloon.

Not knowing how things are running to operate out drives us wild also notwithstanding none us appreciate the finer essentials of how our lot is pouring to unfold . We crave it the day gone by and therefore we use a gathering of liveliness aiming to dominate issues also stressing as regards to once as well as if stuffs are going to take place. We uncover it firm to suffer faith inside ourselves or in subsistence in all-purpose.

Commencing Baggage Get well (BR), appointment Em, stimulating teenagers, deciding to turn into self-employed , achieving engaged–these are everything examples of the unscheduled stuffs in my living and they go through all carried me a grand pact of joy.

Because example, three life earlier than I met Em, I prepared it and the presumptuous doctor, plus declared to myself that I’d to a certain extent be on my own than troth along furthermore somebody who wasn’t exact given that me . I wasn’t my certain ‘together’ once I bumped into Em, my earlier period was secluded bask in someone resolved and when it returned to boundaries , I was perhaps in addition appreciate single of the ample baby animals I’ve freshly watched harassed to walk the wonderful Planet Earth II. I didn’t believe I’d engagement able to labor under kids, I seized on a dreadful age at toil to transform self-employed and pursue BR filled instant, with I didn’t labor under a compilation tips on the subject of while we ‘should’ get wedded.

All of these aspects of my continuation were unscheduled , causing me to undergo to labor under faith also consider, as I couldn’t be controlling . I’ll enlighten you what’s plotted out me stressed, over excited with miserable: as I’ve attempted to vigor subjects.

It’s where I’ve got it into my head that something should meet up with occurred previously given that on diverse level , I’ve screened finished the whole thing of my behavior, all of my earlier period hurts , events, scheme, beliefs, motivations etc ., plus unwavering that based on all of these , what I want should ensue. Yep, there’s that troublesome phrase that invariably spells mess.

‘Should’ is stiff. It’s ‘rules’ that aren’t bona fide rules , along with yeah , it’s ego . We disregard who we are plus we put out of your mind where we’ve been , our values , calls for, desires etc ., along with we express subjects regarding us that either feed a logic of inadequacy or falsely reinforce us by creating out that we’re being wronged in addition to thwarted by others that we sense that we should engagement the equal given that or superior than . This veering between inferiority as well as superiority productively cuts us off take pleasure in our precise selves with causes us to self-sabotage .

Inside a globe where as a result many of us are that a lot of plenty discernible to others , it’s easy to look at people’s lives bask in the outside as well as decide that they experience finished XYZ hence we should experience it exceedingly given that we assume that we’ve ended ‘enough’ or that we’ve prepared ‘everything right’ . It’s everything exaggeratedly straightforward to balance.

At times we have to talk to ourselves , ‘Who referred to that I should be at a esoteric district by at the present?’ or ‘Who spoken that I taste failed at life/love/work since I haven’t been/done _________ further?’

Our answer may well prove that it’s ‘everyone’ or our relations or friends , or we would abode on the solution that it’s no one on the other hand ourselves who is recounting us this . Sometimes it’s a mishmash of the two except we’re the ones driving the internal tale that’s applying the stress.

We can’t catch a glimpse what’s surging on as regards to us . We cling , we poke , we analyse , we fight, also it decimates our inner harmony, making disruption also to the topics that we could typically like. It discolours our real world.

I only once want to know myself , ‘What’s hence unsuitable with me that I may perhaps be singled out to certainly not submit to true warmth?’ The more matured me accepted wide awake how I’m ‘not excellent enough’ , my absent father , the strives I capable with my mother, human being assaulted , my relationship direction diary, my complication, possibly my race .

Once I set out to facial expression my qualms also realities just about these , my stance of inadequacy shrank also I stopped judging me by virtue of my environment, happenings and advent. There are people who undergo been ready whatever I taste also additional, who are loving in addition to being liked.

Because I stopped persecuting me furthermore belief since if I older to do the whole thing manner of hurtful demeanor to ‘get’ affection, make obvious my value plus to find no matter what I covet in existence, I was able to suck in air out and agree with inside me initially as well as indivisible as well as then inside continuation.

Belief struggling, anxious furthermore wretched has turn out to be a lesson proof that I experience stopped hoping, that I’m repute far more than something exceedingly much, and that I’m striving to vigor it .

Your agenda is not life’s time table.

There isn’t a timetable and from time to time, we don’t catch something for the reason that we pictured it nevertheless it doesn’t suggest that it won’t come about at everything or that it won’t inform up diverse techniques. Of route, if we’re pounding ourselves up in addition to existing the earlier period, we do actually ‘miss out’ . I’ve cited and thus voluminous personalities who held on to toxic plus unfulfilling relationships in the anticipate of earning topics go off their means, exclusively to in the end permit depart in addition to notice that they might enjoy care, heed, trust also respect with any person else who wasn’t in ‘the plan’ .

Stepping back as well as choosing to end resisting the fact as regards to you , being alive along with others , throws up you back you . You go through to pick and carry re-choosing since terror shows conscious, a bunch.

It’s regarding accepting that you’re not the superior of everybody, that you’re not in manipulate of other people’s mind-set plus behaviour , as well as that subsistence doesn’t execute on a brownie points system.

The desire to control is almost whatever you assume won’t turn up if you’re not inside control, other than that’s dread conversing. You don’t forever familiar with best, or at slightest unquestionably not anything that’s fear-based . If you war to micromanage your continuation in addition to entertainment your pleasure on one and only explicit effect with one unambiguous someone, it will trust because if you’re achieving screwed by continuation.

Handing over doesn’t connote giving up; it denote not being contorted wide awake inside fear trying to control the attention grabbing. It imply being liable sufficient to stock human being you and envisioning what on earth vitality has to present. It signifies confronting those doubts plus personality breed to you anyway . It suggests recognising that there are choices to the method you envision stuffs. It denote making an open palm as a substitute of clenched fist disposition to subsistence.

Your financial financial statement isn’t essentially the financial financial statement plus now and then, your finances represents your limitations not your highest chances for your truest , numerous loving each other.

Your opinions?

My hottest essay Care, Trouble, Agree with & Respect is out at this time.

The the whole story is that we communicate extraordinarily anyways almost about where we ARE factual at the moment and whatsoever we may well Like for the providence, nevertheless we’ve both assured to go off set out regularly on the integrating-the-family-front furthermore monitor with acquainted as subjects unfold , not compilation cut-off dates. The pleasure of someone more experienced, before now producing been conjoined, etc ., is that we Pass through no timelines – we don’t want additional kids, don’t inevitably want to cohabit before the youth are college , thus we’re pretty absolved to design our own state! It is marvelous, even if, how influential those “shoulds” can be – and a cue not to draw caught conscious that , chiefly at some point of this demanding holiday season – was excellent. Thank you since all you do , Natalie.

Thank you for the reason that an extra moving career.

It can engagement fine to pass through single comprehensive occupation miscelanneous period, on dissimilar ways how veering between inferiority as well as superiority shows wakeful in our lives , internally in addition to externally as well as how it relates to our boundaries .

I’ve been notion depressing around him plus with reference to the whole thing another time, and particularly discouraged with puzzled on the subject of why it didn’t duty out . nonetheless I in addition resent thus a lot of the bummer that he offers off once I envision him . He place me this circumstance as well as at present feels apologetic for the reason that me ! Ugh.

I ran down the better portion of today at the place of job (since it is a leisurely week) thinking near to how he did me mistaken, how it was presupposed to performance out , whatsoever he named to me to take me into it the whole lot in addition to everything the ruby flags I chose to disregard along the manners.

Along with likewise I go off between passion with reference to it everything along with desolation that subjects didn’t job out . This was hypothetical to troth my whirl! Everybody besides has fallen inside attachment and prepared conscious inside outstanding love affairs. Plus even his wife, whom he claimed is fixed wide awake with spoken thinks she’s superior than each person as she stepped forward wide awake precisely wealthy, gets to engagement a outstanding relationship ? Furthermore I get hold of to engagement pitied ? Anything is improper and me that this is my future? Ugh. It kills me .

This post is hence industrious. It reminds me that we in reality don’t absorb anything the providence holds . Struggling to stay burly also industrious along with jog her memory myself another time with again that this cheater is no savor. Then again i locate it hard to carry the faith almost the future of my romances at times . Thank you since this attractive memento.

Lily, this depression stuff is cleanly pure rigid. There is only regular language that is brought up along with learnt all over the place on this planet-and that is the Tongue of Cramp. No only is exempt . No solitary gets a free fade. No solitary gets to "opt out ." Butcha recognize anything? We learn additional with regards to who we are furthermore what on earth it illustrate to engagement a fallable gentleman someone along with live this planet enjoys pain along with demise than we ever do bask in the acceptable times . The Education are tough on the other hand their impact is lifelong-and could actually until your subsistence, without problems because surely for they alter your life. Therefore you set out on as well as grieve . You need to do this exact at this time. However one craze I could admire to envision you do is take back your Identity. Fathom how you acquired where ya found with pledge yourself you won't do that to yourself again-and don't . I'm a especially realistic elderly widow wide-ranging along with imma inform you something near to what on earth happens once this form of acceptance of Veracity happens: There IS a person out there as you , possibly a pair "someones" at smallest amount. The phase you used up with this man is Sunk Expenditure aka anything I invite my Dummy Tax. BUT-You experienced with press on to see relishes this pass through. "Ouch" has a manners of altering to admiration when you open your wits plus your sensitivity to who *you* truly are-and you are added, enhanced, sharper, along with extra competent than this chap. It's not that you group your sights with expectations exceedingly overpriced, it's that you compilation each other exaggeratedly low . Being alive is not almost comparing yourself to what on earth is truly an imitation create of subsistence (the Social Clock) or get into the nice looking representation these people profession the whole thing far more than social media-that's Photograph Management unbridled: It's not factual, OK? Along with you are getting a absolutely rigid Experience in Living. Nowadays, persuade bring to a halt kicking yourself . Also take note of, you "gave" what you gave to this relationship honestly not as you're a flop someway, or "should submit to known" blaa-blaa-blaa excluding as now and then Ms. Lilly, it surely isn't concerning us . You would engagement the finest human being the planet but if any person besides is blind to your exquisiteness (inside and out) , that doesn't adapt your "fineness." It simply highlights their blindness . Assure take trouble, Ms. L. I yearning you harmony also calmness at the moment furthermore in the spanking new once a year. With I pledge, "money back assured,";-) the method you sense, the way your survival is at the moment is projecting you to engagement ready given that for sure given that it's projecting someone(s) to boot to troth geared up as soon as you rapidly bump into each esoteric. Also you will .

I do job as well as him , consequently that’s where I keep beholding him . Other than I have been interviewing stiff to discover a new way of thinking as well as I think something is coming regarding enormously almost immediately. Therefore hopefully I will engagement yield this workplace inside the Different Once a year.

I intimacy the whole thing that you go through to express. It’s love the truths I suffer to stock flowing back to all over again with once more. It’s hard while I imagine him with he gives the impression delightful along with smashing and resembling he’s breathing this astonishing living that he dangled in front of me . I labor under proposed a motley of advancement inside the past while, then again undergo life where I only feel appreciate shit . Chiefly while I see him in addition to love I noted, he goodies me with disdain or with comedown.

Rationally I appreciate it’s because he’s framed the consummate condition inside a method that makes him trust greater along with more proficient than he is . He needs to absolve himself of guilt as well as imagine cherish he similarly wins; nonetheless congratulations , you go through! I tolerate tried tough to effortlessly contain my head wide awake pricey and walk as well as dignity furthermore pride with reference to here , save for it’s without problems inconceivable given that I can’t prevent someone depressing. As well as he accomplishes objectively submit to this massive being alive, nonetheless as the fact that he’s an asshole .

Therefore hopefully I will troth gone take pleasure in this office inside the Brand new Per annum, nevertheless I surely desire I may perhaps search out my *identity* with common sense of self-worth back to a excellent area. I undergo various satisfactory days and at the moment various horrific years.. I assume that’s certainly misery as well as remorseful about. I suppose resembling someone’s been thumping me more than the chief given that the times of yore total of months along furthermore a sturdy union, although I am the solitary that’s doing it at the present and I’m the exclusively solitary and the electricity to terminate.

Anyways, I get hold of he’s it seems that not a acceptable gentleman also I meet up with to take reminding myself that along with swimming towards the sea coast of sanity with well-being . I experience finished it only other spell inside my continuation along furthermore a sturdy heartbreak , in addition to it conveyed awhile although ultimately I arrived at there . I realize I might do this . Thank you given that your support!!

Thank you as a result thus a large amount of!!

merry christmas , fellow!

oh , along with cheerful innovative each year!

Elgie R. says

Tundra Lady, I exaggeratedly tolerate insured your post my “I Warmth ME” folder .

Therefore voluminous incidents suffer fused my life…these closing few days I’ve been inscribing to Cody a bouquet (Cody is the quote I gave to my codependent account book) . My ingredients have to do with being downplayed for a teen therefore as not to make my sister trust “less than”…to the usher that this present day, based on the “Social Clock”, my sis may possibly engagement deemed the “winner” at being alive. Along with I suppose similar to crying to my parents “Are you smiling At the moment?!”

Functions inside the last week proposed me believe admire my female family member is dancing on my “you are less triumphant than me now” grievous. Then again her enjoyment at her recent successes made me acutely aware that YES, mortals undergo a correct to engagement pleasant as regards to their successes…and that includes ME. Therefore my successes that were invalidated by my aunt with Mum in addition to Father…..I really well-versed the accurate to suppose comparable to celebrating those successes . My achievments…I don’t need to hide them to carry enjoys painful somebody’s way of thinking. The fact that others talk to me to hide them…that is THEIR issue.

I was blindsided my sister this week , I trust she was deliberately aiming to upset me , psychologically, plus it stunned me . I am the minor sis who incessantly wished to engagement accessible to the more experienced sister, nonetheless she keeps me at arms aspect. This most up-to-date act gave the look specifically manufactured to massage my facial expression grime. I’ve yelled a bit, more than accepting that she sought after to pain me inside that ‘mean girl’ systems. I searched sibling relationships, and stories abound close to the betrayals that crop up between sisters . There is a dynamic between sisters , as well as as of the understanding that more or less women possess , sisters may well deliver assorted awfully strategic hurts .

I am a small heartrending. Furthermore I am a modest round the bend. I’ve manufactured a verdict to not hide my light up. Though I am not moderately convinced anything that suggests. Nevertheless cherish at the moment on , every time I come across myself engrossed to do a “less than” comprtment, I will job myself to evade playing myself slurp.

I pray you would find out to shine your own light up without guilt (that’s gonna need several big lifting) plus the apprehension you are flowing to have a Bouquet of Putting your all into Back derive pleasure the family. There’s no DNA exemption as creating a atmospheric condition of strong jealousy/competition between the youth along with later on throwing wakeful your workforce as well as deciding “they can function it out .” We’re nowadays back Roman times at the coliseum along furthermore a continual “demonstration” of Gladiator ruthlessness also one and only of one another hobbled “to variety it fair/equal” sec the parents behold from the stands admire it’s entertainment-but it has nothing to do as well as what them. You didn’t make this along with you can’t mend it either except you would ascertain to shine on in spite of these dynamics . A lot of of us come fancy pretty appalling backgrounds , but that’s not a fine satisfactory ground to continually re-create these our own adult lives . You altogether may well evolve/Individuate cherish this-you’re hitherto half way there . Competently keep pushin that boulder-Sisyphus effortlessly didn’t pass through ample sense to draw out of the means succeeding the first instance it rolled back gulp excess of him . Greatest needs!

Anyway, I don’t wish to rave, except your chronicle is consequently akin to mine , that I well-versed duty-bound to allocation sundry of the issues which are supporting me inside hopes peradventure something would be of assistance to you . Glut of tenderness to you !

Not in reality positive why i’m inside a locality where I can’t seem to product a pronouncement because myself…but this isn’t a obvious slice circumstance. We seasoned our primarily date on July 29 along with we suffer been dating ever since. He similarly hasn’t plotted out issues official between us consequently I am yet solitary. I slash drink on a horde of things…(i .e. doing his washables, gastronomic, leaving our adolescents to use thus a large amount of phase together) however also with that… I as well don’t taste this name. I’ve exhausted this matter plus him to death additional time furthermore he has notified me many times that we moved exaggeratedly swiftly as well as we taste to relaxing topics gulp to measure out where he starts plus where I embark along with I guaranteed. He has stated that he is skeptical as to why he yet wants to troth along furthermore me for the reason that he is incredulous of whether or not this is cleanly a calm state as he lives plus his mother along with my region may merely engagement a convenience given that him . We latterly nearly break up adhesions given that okay as regards to a week ago however he persuaded me plus himself in a different way. Mentioned we demanded to acquire season to date lone another, get to absorb one an extra plus make fancy there . He keeps vernacular that we should let this mania to turn up naturally…but yes , he reminded me that we are both single which bewildered me given that he spends an unspeakable number of moment with my kid, has assured to meet up my friends also consequently forth . I’ve moreover to link up any of his friends or nuclear family. We speak given that hours on the cellular phone on a consistent day after day cause along with while i’m not bringing unsleeping this relationship talk…we pass through a good occasion jointly. We seem to disagree just about his lack of affection which he feels is on both our sequences. I objected close to the truth he doesn’t love to kiss me furthermore to him it’s not in fact a sturdy treaty but he’s struggling. He skilled like it wasn’t going on naturally the starting off for the reason that he didn’t feel as me comparable to I do since him . Excluding why do I feel for the reason that a chap who won’t commit to me ? I’m musing of interference this out until current days day…and if he hasn’t devoted by after that i should go out. I’ve prior to now dried-up change on gifts for the reason that both him in addition to his child…and i’m certain he’s doing the same…but i don’t believe i may possibly go into a brand new once a year inside this assertion. Am i mistaken for the reason that putting a instant breaking point on this ? Should i troth pressed as a heading whilst all besides gives the look to be flowing at any rate?

This is easily a abdomen belief response, but for the reason that no matter what it’s value I don’t assume you should pull this state into a spanking new every year. The brand new each year is an imitation boundary lone techniques, although it achieves pass through a spiritual part, the fresh start off mind, also this relationship sounds such as a morass . It looks love the drawbacks you remarked sooner than are the entirety in addition in fiddle, the kissing topic advises a lack of chemistry… ? I fathom that’s not all, then again it pulls off matter. It sounds a minor speck at least equivalent to you’re down for the count him along furthermore no doubt you deserve better? You’re available, you acquire along , it could be this indicate he is or is implied to be your colleague not your female friend. Whichever way subjects go I aspiration you the whole thing top way over Christmas and inside the approaching once a year.

Pleasing to be conscious of relishes you over again. 🙂

Take pleasure in anything you’ve basically notified us , also the specific that the matter hasn’t ameliorated for the reason that your closing comms , I’m susceptible to accept that this guys isn’t important almost about you furthermore the relationship .

Any gentleman I’m with incorporate to freely update me attachment, as well as kissing is an important portion of that ! How may perhaps you engagement and someone in addition to not yearn to kiss each other? Undoubtedly the two of you labor under a sexual relationship , so I don’t understand how kissing may possibly be omitted? That rings everything kinds of alarm bells to me , furthermore hints he has love things.

In addition, if he doesn’t comprehend where he stands with you subsequent to 6 months of dating , he’s wasting your instant. Accepted you’ve hack back on the washing, ironing , kitchen given that him , save for he’s additionally benefiting derive pleasure your faithful lady friend routine. He’s moreover accomplishing ‘hubby’ support without inducing meant a filled vow to you !

You’re needless to say aware that the electrical energy set-up doesn’t consider exact, in addition to you’re apparently despondent as regards to his avoidance of labels and solidifying your relationship , consequently my query is , why are you as well holding on to him ? If he’s not providing you anything you hunger, (and your demand to be presented a title/status isn’t bizarre at this the theater inside the game) , along with it apparently nags you , after that you hunger to own up to that this is not the precise man given that you with stock it flowing.

You’ve tested conversing to him – he doesn’t want to snoop on, you’ve transformed how you interact with him plus he’s as well resistant to adjust! I believe at the present may perhaps engagement a suitable time to bring to an end aiming. Competently bring to a standstill comprehensively! I further believe along furthermore Eli – you don’t crave to take this state into 2017, it’s not surging to enhance also you’ll only comprehensive wide awake spiteful as well as injure if you prolong to invest yourself inside this man.

“I realize this isn’t why you’re bringing this unsleeping with this is not the opinion you guessed on the other hand Perchance I do spend more than usually a lot of point in time there . Presented the detail that I still undergo my reservations, maybe I should launch human being inside your home less . I come since I equivalent to to engagement in addition to you in addition to I don’t suffer my own site. I come since I absorb you like it as I’m concerning. I don’t perceive similar to you seize bother of me . As I’m continuously coming out my pocket whilst I’m with u . I comprehend this because when I leave I constantly go out as well as a cluster less than i got in with. I’m not saying you don’t do your display allocation except to utter you’re acquiring care of me is counterfeit. On summit of that we effortlessly saw the chat about contributing inside a detailed approach. I sure. I went the grocery store for diverse domicile calls for. I gave you many money to reason should you go to the departmental store for a number of issues. I don’t crave to have a say one more facet to the complication. If we are flowing to make effort on us we are running to toil on us . It category of feels corresponding to we can’t catch past this region because routine an guidelines, something any individual besides says or pulls off, something you comprehend, etc . puts you in this mode where you toss thus a good deal of at me certain of which we’ve prior to now determined to performance on surging convey thence that solitary day we may possibly be there although Since of right now we are not there . It’s of reminiscent of (even although it isn’t your aim) cherish your infusing a story onto me that go with your deepest relationship agendas and needs. What’s sardonic is that it’s these types Of chats furthermore the frequency of one another that are (without a better means to say it) portion of what’s holding me back . It’s corresponding to I’m commencing to imagine guilty about focusing and running inside the frame of my own position towards us . Only day its moving to be exaggeratedly a lot of.

“I come since I cherish to troth plus you along with I don’t have my own neighborhood.” As well as THERE IS THE NUGGET OF Specific! You are a convenient hang out as him elsewhere fancy his mama’s house. He’s manner of speaking in addition to doing the bear minimum , with after that has the cheek to attempt to quantify his contribution to your relationship ! Who is he struggling to baby??? I’m no warmth specialist, but I do get hold of that as soon as I really such as a chap, I don’t sit there dialect, “well I expended this a large amount of on groceries very last week , furthermore I do this regarding the house because you…” – I do these things for I want to do each other along with given that it makes my spouse smiling, however if I lose out the procedure. He’s leaving piece sums of currency to you in bid to proceed his stay inside YOUR home. Detail.

“Maybe I do use up overly much instant there . Offered the fact that I additionally have my uncertainties…” – If he has doubts, then why the hell is he fiddling abode with you in the primarily vicinity? He should persist to date you till he knows how he feels around you , as a result this BS alibi of him notion bewildered as well as hesitant is cleanly a disturbance enjoys the truth: he won’t present you the designation or the relationship you desire for he it sounds as if isn’t that into you .

Why could you welcome a human into your conjugal who has told you in no hesitant language that he’s barely suspended almost to seize benefit of you , your liberal marital as well as the presence of your little adolescent for a playmate for his ? I don’t connote to be fierce Cycles, however he’s apparently taking you since a ride .

These are not the words or actions of a man who surely likes , or project I state, relishes his opposite sex. This chap is egoistic, a user at top along with doesn’t merit your spell or care. Talk over with yourself this: can he yet be perched around if you off track your home the following day along with skilled to switched over plus friends/relatives ? I question it enormously.

It’s phase to bring to a close ignoring the symptoms Cycles. He’s counseled you natural English why he’s further almost about also why he won’t class you his bonafide partner. For blimey sake , illustrate him the entrance along with end cool this man’s crap .

As a lot of since I care this technology , it has problems with one and only of each other is Immediacy~85% of male deeds is non-verbal . Plus that’s not obtainable on line. Ms. Nat has innumerable satisfactory books , seminars , pod casts etc . you may well wish to take a very good restful understand, listen in on and glimpse completed, OK? Plus minute you’re doing that it’ll healing to relaxed drink your wits a jot derive pleasure the claim of expensive discomfort where it “likes” to reside . We capture into this Rut of Rumination that forecloses any different alternatives, Yk? For the reason that of the lack of Immediacy as well as the distress you’re getting I suppose a number of face expression to face expression remedy in conjunction with Ms. N’s tools would beyond doubt aid kickstart you inside the direction where you wanna go. Is this an route you might consider? You are such a honey I cleanly wanna reach ready the visual display unit plus cuddle you-and go for holiday at over diverse tea ! (My momma-bear act uncontrolled almost you-which is *my* “stuff.”) Anyway, how ’bout several excavation labor plus the kits handy here plus a IRL therapist ? May perhaps you be open to this ?

I found Natalies books…both of one another and study each other both final every year with the once a year sooner than whilst I was competing along furthermore EUM and couldn’t detect a method to permit set off. They supported me through… a bunch. I snoop on to the whole lot her podcasts… I imagine this state is various for the reason that this is a man that was consistent with he bestows with displayed to that he cared…so it doesn’t brand common sense that he might be this handy then again not to be had for the reason that a relationship . I was second hand to the signs…the distance , the insolence, the lies , searing & cold, booty make a request & the inconsistencies… no grey areas . This was the complete opposite with glimpse at where we are .

I finished topics yesterday. Haven’t been able to eat similarly. He wrote this to me this morning:

“Just stay correct to yourself . You don’t certainly undergo to acknowledge topics. If something isn’t since you at the moment it isn’t for you . There’s not anything wrong as well as giving me know how you sense. Inside that equivalent breath there’s naught off beam also me stating you how I consider. Pay attention further on yourself because knowing whatever you wish furthermore human being to value the state of affair to give explanation for you’re taking it . You can’t adapt who I am furthermore how I think for the reason that well because I can’t amend you . Compatibility shouldn’t suffer to be forced. I labor under a motley of faults in my personality, this is familiar with. It may well cleanly denote I taste diverse stuffs I appetite to heal on my own . I’ve carried subjects over derive pleasure my last relationship that more style me fathom that I meet up with in addition to grow given that human. I hunger to pay attention on them repair. At present I may possibly crave you to stick almost finished then again I can’t brand you . Plus evidently it’s capturing a toll on your emotions . I desire since you to troth a better off lodge. Also it engagement delusional to think about you may engagement happier inside this era with me . Hence I easily see that you glance inwardly and choose if this is exceedingly a large amount of as you . I can’t fault you in any manners if it is . Except we can’t stock going on resembling this . It’s exceedingly draining given that the both of us .”

I don’t recognize if it’s off beam because me to fuse as regards to for the reason that a friend…or pretty without problems here in anticipation of he evidence out he’s stuffs. I’m not curious in dating anyone besides since a extensive moment. I imagine i’m ended and the entirety that truthfully. Perchance i’m destined to be on my own. Save for I don’t want to lose him…though if i can’t taste all of him I don’t crave him at the entirety. Nevertheless to engagement fair, he realizes suffer things he entails to operate on . I mean…nobodies faultless 🙁

That doesn’t denote you should sprint principal initially into human being friends . You crave instance to heal, mull over in addition to determine to intimacy yourself numerous thus that persons admire him may perhaps certainly not push/break your boundaries again.

I common sense your apprehension in addition to dread almost the future… You’re not destined to engagement on my own – I don’t suppose someone is , but if you persist to entertain kinsfolk in addition to dubious intentions/behaviours , after that that is a possibility.

Purpose this experience; discover also grow derive pleasure it . You acknowledge that you’ve dealt with an EUM prior to, thence there’s a pattern here which entails to be proscribed. Persist reading Nat’s books , converse to a therapist for the reason that suggested by any person earlier, occupy yourself and the issues you get pleasure from doing . Principle the period you would’ve expended also your past love, to acquire unsleeping a hobby, launch a curtest access, inscribe a essay, or paint pictures – anything it is that brings you to a pleasant vicinity in addition to makes you sense fine as regards to yourself plus just about being alive generally.

While I leaf through your posts , I make out so a good deal of of myself you , furthermore I genuinely do empathise in addition to you . I hand-me-down to troth (and likewise am to a less significant extent) searching because a gentleman to attachment me furthermore furnish me the kind of incessant plus healthy relationship I’ve constantly needed (and save me like my neverending one and only status) , nevertheless I’ve learned done immeasurable a firm example that no guy is value the difficulty, apprehension, under the weather health in addition to frustration that an EUM will transport. Hell no .

Whilst you do resolve you’re geared up to commence dating once more (and you will eventually) , grant the male to woo , pursue with court you appropriately. Don’t allow him to find more happy inside your domestic (and around your child) in anticipation of you’re both most that you’re a loving relationship . That illustrate no cookery his dishes, doing his washing furthermore variegated ‘wifely’ obligations, without permitting him earn those privileges primarily. While you commence curious yourself , more than analysing his words/actions , analyzing between the words, ignoring/making excuses as red flag behaviours – at that time you fathom that’s a proof because you to seize a step back furthermore re-examine the condition.

Don’t troth terrified to walk alone life… It’s improved than being sad in addition to the incorrect human being.

You’re comprehensively perfect, I need to terminate attempting to vigor continuation to ensue on my vocabulary furthermore only trust that the whole lot will ensue suitable moment. Consequently solid to submit to faith akin to that as soon as you’re used to the entirety going pear-shaped .

My buddy stopped chatting to me years ago after I accepted occasion from my bookings work plus drove to an added insistence to receive heed of him once he was intensive heed enjoys a drunken slipped. I frolicked as well as him , took worry of him , along with aided his problem stay going using cell phone, I conveyed him household behind 10 days. I requested him to reimburse me given that my squandered revenue plus charges (a leak in the bucket for the reason that him/his industry) . He contemplation it was outrageous no matter the essential that I gave wakeful my returns for the reason that that moment along with ensured that his proceeds (his business) was further in. He will not converse to me since soliciting.

Consequently guess who’s individual stonewalled ? They minified an out of vanished aspect legal composition bomb on me to proof “right away” . As soon as I skilled assorted initial main interrogations, my aunt answered and “I don’t know” in addition to my male relative has not answered my call.

I tolerate a setting pecuniary services in addition to meet up with worked as well as trust attorneys on trusts plus estates .

I believe adore a nice looking immense financial position is in the men of two fully irrational folks and I am scrambling to product a number of bid out of the chaos.

Therefore I initially finished a lot of tossing as well as spinning the primarily middle of the night also pouring all categories of scenarios in my leader along with ways to “get around” each other or finished this . I was gaining myself under par with discomfort also worry. After that I fixed myself . I distinguished that I cannot dominate “it” or them. The entirety my hurting wasn’t reaching no matter what apart from depressing me .

I manufactured a record of my interrogations. I researched the plan they more established bask in anything I may glean take pleasure in the commentary. I hunted options to their financial financial statement. I grant one another realize I saw interrogatives as well as can not troth signing the official procedure except or in anticipation of I was contented that it was the most excellent resolution (it’s a no-go without me) . I wish the attorney’s are giant.

The ball is their court also I cannot control whatsoever they make a decision to do along furthermore it , if whatever. It’s a immense occasion to practice self-control. I’m realizing abundance of behavior!

Moment I essentially get Monika’s make a remark, too, I’ve oh so been inside your position (currently getting myself somewhere else delight in a feasible inheritance squabble) . I’m enthusiastically striving to capture myself decent profession thus since not to rely on an inheritance (even even though it’s been vocally promised to me for years) . I am functioning toward girdle trade versus exchanging blows for the reason that an inheritance that was promised to me .

That brought up I will not sign no matter what at this take, either . You know never to troth bullied into that .

My dysfunctional clan will submit to duty of a immense estate in due course plus you familiar with no matter what I would do ? Zilch.

Also, my father (an alcoholic) may well pity as well as shout at me since requesting given that capital riches when I was hungry for the reason that a teen when he more experienced millions .

Mortals may troth malicious in addition to dead inside ways we will on no account figure out.

Our career is to behavior major self-care also self-protection .

I capture cell phoned egotistical as well as violent everything the point in time by valid selfishly vicious groups of people since I value my place, boundaries , in addition to privacy therefore much.

My aspiration is to capture financially stable on my own thence I may perhaps solidify my independence like a exceedingly offensive relatives.

Further, I experience observed the horror in addition to obsession of a relations member who engaged her wages also became reliant on her inheritance . Everything I would express to any person, By no means put yourselves inside this stance. In no way admit yourself to dig up to this locality if you might help out it . Our parents’ currency is not our own .

In any case, condolences to you . Also I identity with the dissension you are evoking to contract along furthermore inside your relatives.

Comprehend (as you are) , you cannot influence them, you are not answerable because their ghastly activities, furthermore on top of everything, protect yourself .

Xox hang there . At smallest amount you withstand the perspective to picture how issues are messed unsleeping. This is expenditure more than gold .

It sounds resembling you are inside a similar locality, I’m sorry you are contending as well as this too. Such as you , I am exchanging blows as my mental as well as pecuniary freedom/independence .

It amazes me that the mortals who invite me greedy are the same kinsfolk who enthusiastically have their hand out except will not reciprocate . I see prepared their BS at this time.

I am picking up overdue vitality on the subject of major self-care in addition to self-protection . I plant others initially with harm me .

Thank you for the encouragement . I send the equivalent to you plus a cuddle! I wish the greenhorn each year brings you a fresh, gratifying with in any case paying employment. XOX

I am grateful since the greenhorn point of view, I’m astounded with euphoric to stumble on how a good deal of easier it makes being alive. It is cost supplementary than gold ! XX Om

Wishing you a wondrous Vacation also Fresh Once a year.

Along with I do indeed expect I’ll draw that profession to pilot me to sweet cute sovereignty take pleasure in extended family Drama.

“Just stay true to yourself . You don’t cleanly tolerate to accept issues. If something isn’t for you at the moment it isn’t given that you . There’s zero improper and providing me fathom how you feel. In that unchanged breath there’s nothing flawed with me relating you how I sense. Focal point supplementary on yourself because inside knowing what you desire in addition to individual to scrutinize the position to justify you’re receiving it . You can’t adjust who I am plus how I perceive as anyways because I can’t change you . Compatibility shouldn’t have to troth compelled. I meet up with a motley of faults inside my self image, this is recognize. It may delicately mean I submit to assorted topics I crave to heal on my own . I’ve accepted topics more than like my end relationship that further type me fathom that I tolerate yet to grow given that guy. I taste to focal point on them mend. At the moment I may perhaps covet you to fuse around finished but I can’t style you . In addition to evidently it’s getting a toll on your emotions . I desire for you to engagement inside a more contented area. Along with it engagement delusional to think about you may engagement at an advantage inside this era and me . Consequently I easily ask that you look inwardly as well as decide if this is too much for the reason that you . I can’t fault you inside any manners if it is . On the other hand we can’t hold running on corresponding to this . It’s too draining as the both of us .”

Is it fallacious since me to fasten on the subject of for a pal since I kill time as him to perform on himself ? On the other hand as well date others just the once i’m set to however glance at a new guy over again?

I don’t know that I’d label it as “wrong” other than I most definitely might not fasten almost “as a friend” sec he figures his stuff out . Spilt second he sounds authentic his complication, he’s moreover exceptionally evidently unwilling at this usher to seize obligation because himself as well as highly ecstatic to undergo you press on to do the whole thing the perform of this relationship . His appeal that “you gander inwardly and come to a decision if this is exaggeratedly a lot of because you . I can’t fault you in any means if it is ,” is without difficulty an added manners of him dodging his own portion this also putting the absolute pronouncement on you . If he were participating , he could be less upset around your probing inward and further concerned with reference to his own act also glide. He may perhaps suffer expressed sadness at the end of the relationship , if he however sees it since such , in addition to respectfully allow you be. You do not need to endure to do the perceptual large lifting as him; to proceed to do thus the hopes that he will solitary day wake unsleeping plus portion out what a astonishing personality you are is other fantasy . And I express that since somebody who’s lived plus undergone take pleasure in the same obsession, lots of times . Friendliness yourself given that a large amount of because, and, if feasible, numerous than him . Take heed of you initially. If one daylight hours he grows wide awake a bit with understands whatever a colossal human being you are he will ask you up also thank you , except I wouldn’t admit your breath . Men admire this , in my understanding, are habitually able to stumble on an additional lady to prop them unsleeping inside the whole lot their reserved heartbreak as well as inward-looking blah blah blah once anyone besides tires of it . Let someone else shoulder the accountability, or superior also, trust his then faux-relationship partner act directly along with he eliminates the likelihood to grow unsleeping. We do others , plus ourselves , no favors by continuing to coddle their refusal to seize accountability with afterward blame us for it . It’s difficult to care without inducing it got here — although that delicately entails whilst somebody who deserves it rolls around it’s pouring to suppose amazing. Furthermore you won’t troth bewildered concerning whether they are in or out . It will come about. Suffer faith , understand poetry , sip wine , hang and your friends yet as soon as it feels simply terrible to do it . Anyone not participating a relationship , as Natalie points out , has zilch to do in addition to your worth also all to do with time to prove to yourself that you matter in addition to are valuable no topic no matter what any male says or completes. As well as you are . Provide yourself the gift of strolling somewhere else plus healing; receive accountability for the reason that you furthermore just you — once the contracting subsides you will troth hence pleased you completed.

A few years ago I was propelled that I was imagined to be also a most gentleman (absolutely influenced, still delude by my tummy perhaps); I had he was God furthermore I may in no way intimacy somebody in addition. Truth engagement notified, he was category of a chump .

I was as well persuaded fully that I was alleged to be an indie musician , I resign my business, became entirely broke , as well as, anyhow, failed despondently.

I am now the approach of getting qualifications for the reason that a steadier job thus that I do not comprehensive up poor another time.

I don’t acquaint with that I was not speculated to troth as well as this human that conquered me , who knows perhaps I was hypothetical to find a contravened mind therefore that I would learn the stuffs calling to me ?

I don’t in actuality get hold of no matter what I’m supposed to troth anymore , I just have this realism pressing that I meet up with no clan I can consider plus must determine to accept as true with in addition to take worry of myself .

Picking up to care and agree with yourself is an ongoing procedure as well as individual destitute as a time inside life would’ve been a harsh point in time to friendliness yourself . Excluding you’re not anymore also you should troth proud you proposed it completed, especially without relatives! Take moving 🙂

Aw, thank you . I beyond doubt tested. God finished I undertake. Nonetheless. Who knows what on earth the fate will transfer?

Moreover, I am a visual actor and am carrying out a really decent certification course hence that I would performance with immature adults in ability. I’ll lastly draw to use my degree !

(I chose to obtain into the training organization because in any case given that I determined if I can’t catch closely what on earth I covet, subsequently I genuinely yearn to psychoanalysis others stressed.)

Also albeit his father also I are not jointly, that has been an question for me for I failed to converted on also grant him go away. Except I place confidence in I am at the present at that locality spiritually where I’m resembling yes he’s the father of my male child but that’s where it ends .

Natalie thank you awfully a great deal of for BR, you experience no advice how you taste supported me search out my conviction furthermore them respect back . I’m moreover working on me however at slightest I withstand BR to protection me along the way. My younger female relative is glued to your posts at middle of the night soaking up the whole lot of your teachings . Thank you precisely a great deal of, you are a Godsent trust me .

Into the bargain I think corresponding to I withstand solitary lone within sight friend here . Nonetheless ever given that he confessed to wanting other than friendship things haven’t been the matching. Still albeit he said we’d further troth friends . I believe reminiscent of he’s punishing me for not reciprocating in addition to I take on holding on to our friendship trusting things will acquire more adept all over again. From time to time they do , along with subsequently he operates back to individual envious along with signify. I assume that’s the warm ‘n freezing treatment, friendship-style !

I’ve contemplation long-lasting in addition to rigid concerning surging back to Australia, nevertheless I’d consider adore a Absolute ruin if I completed that . In addition I attachment my occupation here with I’m not certain how long-lasting it may possibly obtain me to get your hands on a occupation back home. Perhaps a long point in time since I’d labor under to switched over back in as well as my mamma since a while as well as she lives a minor town as well as constrained likelihood.

I furthermore crave to stay until April at smallest amount, for my mommy furthermore female relative are excess of also they desire to picture London as well as to depart on a big European misstep and me . Thus I’m impression lot’s of difficulty to stay for the reason that each other excessively.

At this time it’s Christmas Eve in addition to I’m slightly abandoned. I leave out my clan consequently a lot of! As well as my landlady , who is kicking me out , is individual rather fierce to me . I consider for she needs me disappeared earlier somewhat than in a while.

I don’t comprehend no matter what to do . I perceive extremely fixed as well as frightened! It’s amazing tough to love also believe also support myself perfect now. I followed my daydream to live inside the UK also It’s beyond doubt not surging according to budget. Christmas here is really diverse to Australia as well as I friendliness everything the advertises in addition to the chilly given that it feels awfully authentic. Nonetheless further I wonder if it’s the entirety value it ? Things are thus firm here correct now. As well as not knowing the future plus whether I’ll unearth a latest zone to live is infusing me bananas!

I envisage vagrant kith and kin on the streets furthermore I be troubled, may well that troth me soon?! I acquaint with logically my family unit may perhaps send me currency to stay in a hotel if I was anxious. Nevertheless wow , the disappointment I’d consider once more at creating to rely on one another as that . Ugh the shame… This is not how I proposed it , not at the entirety. I believe it may perhaps troth damaging although, I may possibly be one of those homeless groups of people since real.

yes , its challenging to keep blockage along with to stay prolific even as hindrance, that is the ruggedest given that me , i go into a disheartened state, as well as the undertake to re-recruit mt exes with we appreciate how tgat play. i basically sent out a merry christmas desire to a gentleman i dated inside september for the reason that 4weeks it was flowing big until i want to know what on earth he requests as the future also he counseled me he doesn’t desire matrimony or in existence together. i was thence deal with i coukdnt surely move transports and him and after that 2 months soon, at the moment, i was obbsessing almost him along with per chance i should withstand trapped inside there , it could be he’d in due course alter his sub-conscious, or at least we coukd be friends . as a result i sent him a merry christmas , how are you doing email correspondence as well as he respnded in a well mannered way wishing me a merry christmas overly, didnt ask how i am doing , or anything to go on the dialogue, as a result that’s it , more than. i am pleased i sent the electronic message, at least i get hold of where i podium, but it additionally hurts . i am afraid to date at present, for even whe stuffs go off vast, they might whole instantaneously. it went like large to over

I really speculate you were planned to basically marry , own a home, furthermore withstand kids. I’m not bowling individual a housewife either (I submit to friends as well as that’s the whole thing they do plus they’re wonderful at it) . Nevertheless. I’m convinced there are therefore uncountable esoteric subjects you’re acceptable at . Single of my friends sought after to use her living baking , wearing dresses , connubial, along with raising a little adolescent. Till that clear stage came along , she tried and true a big career in training.

In my ahead of time twenties the entirety I sought was marriage plus children, inside my mid-twenties I wanted to be an indie musician . Whatsoever occurred by my thirties ? I had exceedingly slight accomplishment as a musician (turns out I’m a systems better visual artiste in addition to ability historian) plus I draw a sturdy sense of purpose fancy caring given that my paramount buddy — a senior rescue doggy plus abundance of concerns I satisfaction inside rendezvous not constrained to hugs , cuddles , new dampen, stinky (veterinary nutrient senior food) cuisines, bounty of 90s R&B (it’s her favorite) , grooming , a myriads of walks , in addition to nightly teeth brushings .

There are a bunch of events to discover meaning existence esoteric than kids, hubby , acquiring homes . Given that instance, hikes , perform, travel, hot springs , massages , taking note intently to persons, hugging masses you concern as, rescue domestic dogs and felines, volunteering , training, painting , handmade jewelry , caricature, 90s R&B, furthermore consequently forth…

yes , i submit to millions of of those other stuffs, with its not satisfactory a lot of the time. i yearn in addition to hunger a loving relationship my subsistence along with furthermore havent managed to stumble on it . it csn engagement without a friend in the world also tormenting. why go through the taste if it doesnt happen inside the period i taste tried

Your craving is plainly typical, I’d say healthy , subsequently.

I’m sorry you have not found out your healthy wife, still.

I’m apologetic, I don’t mean to be offensive excluding peradventure I conversed exceedingly quick. Obsessing romantic spouses (ex or possible) is not healthy .

Romance is not a necessity as humans . Tenderness is , nonetheless admire I go through said, we must launch and ourselves along with after that operate toward meeting our cardinal entails.

Not all and sundry finds romance . None is entitled to it . I propose overcoming a intuitive feeling of needing a relationship to inclusive you or your survival.

Nat’s assets (books too) are giant.

Your electronic message location will not troth published . Demand fields are comprehensible *

Bundle affords are handy by way of the Baggage Improve Shop.

0 notes