#or even worse derivative and completely missing the point

[pinkaditty]

HI i love your works sm ,,, and i really love the way you write it just brings out soemtnhign in me ,,, but hear me out on leo kurosagi angst where leo keeps insulting pc and pc just took it well until he said something sensitive (maybe sth ab the way she eats? or sth abt her face etc etc) and hurt pc's feelings and he didnt feel bad when pc cried , but when he saw pc going over to sho and sho giving him dirty looks he feels remorseful but he didnt want his pride to crack so he blamed pc , and then when pc started avouding him he started mocking her but in the inside it hurt him and his pride slightly , afterwards he found out he actually has genuine feelings for pc but denies it , until he found out pc is now his bff's gf WOW i NEED him humbled 🤗🤗🤗

Pavlov's Ghoul (Leo Kurosagi x Reader x Sho Haizono; Tokyo Debunker)

hey anon this existing is UR FAULT. (ilysm ty 4 the idea) and i hope u don't mind that I added my own little twist 2 it... hehe! even if u didn't expect me 2 write anything u can't drop a fresh, juicy steak of an idea like this and expect me not 2 salivate and tear it 2 shreds via writing it out.

OMG also TYYYYYYY IM SOSO GLAD U LIKE MY WRITING YIPPEE!!!!!!!!! i hope this is up 2 ur standards anon

a/n: why does this exist? blame anon and my inner need 4 a bitchy boy 2 be humbled amen! also i feel like i've completed my tokyo debunker rite of passage... ive finally written leo angst... nirvana at last.

summary: leo gets fuckin pavloved LMAO! considered calling this "ecstasy" or something bc of the pill line but ohh my god "pavlov's ghoul" hit too hard i fear.

cw: this isn't dark imo but be warned as this is just a little bit crazy, the most insane kind of yearning ive ever written maybe. implied sexual encounters, multiple sexual innuendos, and some odd behavior. MINORS DNI AS PER USUALLLLLL!

Looking for Part 2? Click here!

Sho's kind, reasonably so. Leo knows this. Sho also has an infinite store of deeply repressed anger. Leo also knows this. It's the reason he's in Vagastrom, after all. A deep, roiling anger that seems to eat at him if he doesn't have an appropriate outlet to balance his mood. That's why he's such a good cook, why he's so good at fighting, why he's got an excellent sense of balance and rides his bike smoother than anyone else he knew. He's using these things as outlets for his anger. It's not Leo's fault that the occasional outing to trick and deceive another sexually repressed rich old man for money is something else Sho seems to derive stress relief from. And it's not Leo's fault that Sho continues to stick around with him after those jobs are done. It's never been a problem for either of them, as far as he can tell. At least, there were no problems until Little Miss Inspector showed up.

Suddenly, Sho didn't want to lie anymore. Suddenly, Sho wanted to go as far as to address you with the proper honorifics, ask for your help with setting up his food truck, and even generally spend time with you outside of that. And for what? Some trembling, scared, pathetic girl that knew nothing of the world of anomalies prior to her curse? Some girl doomed to "die" in less than one year, no less? He couldn't understand the kindness Sho showed you. It made no sense, nor any difference. You'd be dead soon, so what did it matter?

It's got to the point where he's begun to randomly put you down with petty insults and biting remarks. They usually consist of things like "Oh my god, even preschoolers know Anomalous Biological Basics! Come on Inspector, is your head screwed on right? Not even the Captain is this stupid." or "You remember your ability is useless when we need it, right? You'd be nothing more than a burden on missions if you can't even control this power. " or even "God, you're such a basic loser. Can't you find something else to do with your free time instead hang around Sho like a lovesick puppy? You're starting to look like that dog that's always around Kagami." and worse insults. He gets the occasional sidelong disapproving glance from Alan or even a slight furrowed brow from Sho, but it didn't matter to Leo. So long as he could slowly plant seeds of doubt in his fellow ghouls and put you down to satisfy his ego, even an odd look was negligible.

He couldn't even stand looking at you. The uniform they'd chosen for you was awful, didn't even highlight your curves. He hated the way you styled your hair, and always thought he could totally do it better. The way you seemed so relaxed around other ghouls pissed him off, why couldn't he be good company? He found you repulsive, unable to resist glaring at you from the corner of his eye whenever he could. He had to get rid of you somehow. He would never admit to feeling threatened by you; instead choosing to focus all that energy into believing you were simply throwing a wrench into his plans to live an easy, get-away-with-anything university life.

It's all come to a head today. Leo thinks he's had enough of seeing you at the food truck after hours, chatting it up with Sho. It's like he can't even catch this guy alone anymore. Before he knows it, he's made a beeline for the truck. His brand new shoes scuff on the brick path in his rush, and eventually begin to stain green on the grass, his brisk stride tearing through the verdant lawn. He tries not to let his anger show on his face, but it's evident in his posture and pace. He forcefully sidles himself into the conversation, leaning on the service counter next to you, not even waiting for you to finish speaking before he pipes up. "Wow, here again, huh? And here I thought a basic bitch like you would know her place! That mouth of yours must be good for something if he keeps a chatterbox like you around."

The chill settles into the air almost immediately despite his candid tone and relaxed, smug smile. He's so focused on your reaction that he hardly notices the look Sho gives him, twisted with displeasure and confusion. He watches as you visibly falter, your lopsided smile fading into a barely-there frown. He stares, unrepentant, laughing internally. This was the reaction he wanted.

He turns towards Sho and raises an eyebrow at his look. "What? She can take it." Sho's expression visibly wavers, and Leo fully expects him to back down, as he usually does. But instead, Sho turns to you and his face grows pale. Leo rolls his eyes, assuming Sho is totally overreacting, and turns to you. He stiffens at your visible tears. Okay, totally not what he expected, but come on. This was the insult that made you cry?

Leo notices Sho is at your side in record speed, wrapping an arm around your shoulders, and gently drawing your hunched form away, giving Leo a harsh look. Leo simply scoffs. As far as he was concerned, your reaction was pathetic. It wasn't going to stop him from having any fun.

This. Under no circumstances should this hurt. At all.

Leo had noticed you'd been avoiding him. You would slink away if he so much as entered the same room as you. You wouldn't look him in the eyes if he approached, keeping your expression impassive. Sometimes you'd just outright ignore him. It was beginning to become a bit of a nuisance. He couldn't properly mock you if you weren't there to witness it happening, or didn't give him the reaction he wanted. It was odd. When he faced these feelings head-on, it almost felt like he wanted your attention somehow, even if he didn't quite want it to feel like that. A nagging feeling told him that maybe he went too far with his latest insult. He didn't want to admit that, but something told him he did. It was in the way both you and Sho acted around him.

Sho was missing a lot of Leo's calls lately, sometimes not even bothering to call back. Leo partially understood, what with the food truck business booming and all, but he didn't appreciate being made to wait for his own best friend who's usually at his beck and call. Not to mention the flat, terse responses he would get from Sho more often than not nowadays. Leo knew Sho was miffed with him from last week's incident, but as far as Leo was concerned, things still ended in his favor. He hadn't seen you around Sho much anymore, which means he could go back to how things were. No more pesky little honor student to reign upon his days any longer! Sure, there was the biting underlying feeling that maybe he'd screwed things up, but one ride on the back of Sho's motorcycle, going wherever Leo wanted as per usual, and he was living the dream again. No way everything would change over a silly, insignificant insult.

For a short while, he begins to get bolder, openly mocking you when he does come across you. His originally surface-level remarks become rather personal, even using your eventual death as a way to tease you. From "You know, I'm surprised you haven't done anything to change up that unflattering look, considering you're dying soon. Ever considered dressing up a little? You might get some attention before you die." to "Hey, Little Miss Inspector! With the number of men you talk to around campus, I'm surprised nobody's written you off as a whore yet!", and worse, of course. He continues to get no such reaction out of you, and it frustrates him to no end. Why couldn't you just frown? Shrink away? Or even retort something just as scathing back to him? Your lack of entertainment towards his endless ridicule reduced his motivation, and slowly, it ended up dying off. Soon, he left you alone altogether, not talking to you unless necessary, mimicking your actions. In a way, some part of him hopes maybe this will be what gets your attention. Even if he can't quite admit to himself that your attention, regardless of whether it's positive or negative, is what he wants.

It's late, but Vagastrom students don't go to bed until far later. And Leo needs a favor.

His crushing lack of success in garnering any sort of attention or reaction or rise from you had driven him to a point. He didn't want to apologize to you or anything, but this new habit of you ignoring him was beginning to stoke his displeasure. In his pondering, he remembered how easily Sho captured your gaze and wondered if maybe he'd have any idea of what Leo could do to at least put an end to this stalemate.

Leo's reluctance shows in the way he drags his feet on the path to Sho's room, less than eager to confront him for his opinion on something so shamelessly trivial. Why was he wasting his time with this anyway? Surprisingly, the lack of a solid answer to that question did not stop his trek. A twinge in his chest told him he knew exactly why he was "wasting his time".

In the month it had been since he'd made you cry, the nagging feeling had only gotten harsher. His mind kept flickering back to the shock of your tears and how he'd not bothered to consider it much further. An uncomfortable guilt had made itself known starting then. He never really expected you to cry; he just wanted a mild reaction. He wanted your eyes on him, flashing with anger, just for a moment. Your ire was a saccharine pill laced with ecstasy that he'd gladly crush with his teeth to speed up his high. Maybe it'd be too much to say he got off on it, but he enjoyed the way you used to roll your eyes at any comments from him a little more than he cared to admit. Now, he wouldn't even get that. It'd be rare for you to so much as make fleeting eye contact with him, not that something as small as that would be enough for Leo. Part of him was willing to accept that maybe, he'd gone too far. Maybe. But how else was he supposed to monopolize your attention when you give that out so freely? To his best friend, even?

He didn't know it was possible to covet something so terribly. He found himself wondering why he couldn't catch your attention in the same way as the other ghouls? In his quest for the same attention you gave so freely to the kinder, softer ghouls, he found another version of your attention. It was negative, but it was attention nonetheless. Your sweet, honeyed rage seemed to fill his cravings and then some, so he continued to devour it under the guise of "chasing you away" or "putting you down" or "satisfying his ego". In truth, for whatever reason, there was a rather bothersome and persistent envious longing, a covet, for your attention. Leo wants to vomit. A part of him denies it still, pushing his needless feelings to the back of his brain. He had something to do, and he ought to focus on that. What good would mere wallowing do?

He makes it to Sho's room and almost considers turning back. He stares at the door, his expression morphing into a complicated look. He shifted his feet, his slippers sliding against the floor. It was quite clear he really did not want to do this. At all. He sighs and grumbles indignantly, putting his head in his hands in an attempt to gather some courage. This couldn't be that hard, right? Just in, ask Sho a question, get an answer, then out. The only reason this was easier said than done was just because it could potentially show Leo was capable of feeling remorse, which would make this conversation leagues harder than it needed to be. He shakes his head and straightens up, preparing to knock, when he notices something.

Sho's room was... unusually quiet. Usually, Leo almost always heard some loud music or a cooking show running in the background, but he couldn't hear anything this time. Sho couldn't possibly be asleep. As late as it was, the only person who Leo knew for a fact could stay up past him was Sho, regardless of how much sleep he had gotten. There was no chance Sho was asleep. Believe it or not, Leo doesn't like to spy on Sho. But curiosity overwhelms him. What could he possibly be doing that would render the whole room in silence?

"Haxs," he whispers, listening closely.

The first thing he hears is the cling-clanging of Alan hard at work on a car in the garage. Not the sound he was meant to be focusing on. Then he hears endless jeering and loud insults shouted, though they're all muffled like they're underground. Another pit fight? Still, not the sound he's looking for. He sifts through the sounds he hears before he settles on the one coming directly from Sho's room.

Voices. Groaning, strained voices. The sound of wet skin against wet skin. Panting. Sho's panting, specifically. He could tell by the slight nasally tone of it.

Leo felt his face gradually warm. Christ, of course it'd be this he'd be up to. Leo muffles a laugh into the collar of his pajamas, keeping his hand clamped over his mouth as his body shook with mirth. When he finally calms down, he slinks off to the corner down the hall, and hides himself there, shamelessly still listening to it. Sho's a sly dog. Leo certainly didn't expect him to be getting up to anything this soon. He leans his body against the wall, crossing his arms and drumming his fingers on his arm, waiting for Sho to finish. He smirks to himself, as though enjoying the vocal show.

...

He had to admit, whoever he was with had gorgeous moans. He'd have to ask Sho if he'd be willing to pass this girl's number. He could use a couple things to get his mind off of you.

...

Okay, he had to stop listening to this now. He lifts his stigma and holds his hands over his ears for good measure, partially trying to hide the furious red blush across his face. As pretty as that girl's moans were, he was not going to listen to his best friend's climax. No thanks. He huffs out an impatient breath as his cheeks cool down, leaning his back against the wall, leaning his head back until it hit the wall with a dull thump. Now he just had to wait it out. He knew damn well Sho would never let a girl stay over. He'd never hear the end of it from yours truly, Leo.

Leo's right. It isn't long before he hears the door to Sho's room click, and hears murmured voices travel down the hall. He smirks, rushing down the hall in the opposite way, so it doesn't look like he was listening the whole time. He listens, waiting for a cue of some sort.

"Shame you have to go, you know." Sho's voice. Laced with relief, pleasure, and a thick tiredness. Leo's skin crawled. He could practically feel the smile in Sho's voice.

"It's not so bad." The girl responded with a light and playful tone, her voice seemingly much more put together than Sho's despite all that moaning. The voice sounded oddly familiar, but Leo brushed it off. Must be someone he shares classes with. "I've got things to do anyway. But it was nice to spend some time with you, Sho." Eagh. Leo internally hopes this girl isn't the type to get easily attached.

"...Yeah. Same to you. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

Finally, he heard the girl's footsteps trailing down the hall, heading in his direction. Leo hurriedly pulls his phone out of his pocket, making sure the screen was bright as he flipped through the latest trends. He made a point of not looking up until he heard the footsteps nearing him.

He looks up, prepared for a simple glance, but ends up being rooted to the spot.

It was you. Of course, it was you. Who else would be taunting enough?

Despite himself, his gaze remains glued to you, his head turning as you walk past him. For a moment, Leo thinks you're just going to ignore him again. Then, suddenly, your gaze meets his in a flash, and he stiffens, almost out of fear. The way your eyebrows crease and the way your lips twitch downward almost makes him salivate. You were clearly displeased to see him. Even so, he notices you don't slow down, continuing your way down the hall, not bothering to crane your neck to look at him.

Leo remains rooted to the spot, watching your figure as you leave. His jaw hangs open slightly, his chest heaving with shocked breaths. His eyes are wide open, pools of gold reflecting your retreating form. His hand trembles as he holds his phone, the latest trends left neglected in the wake of a single mean-spirited glance from you. He feels his heart pound mercilessly in his chest, as though confirming what he'd tried so desperately to deny.

All at once, anger and arousal seem to grip him simultaneously. Anger at himself for feeling arousal from a mere negative glance from you. He couldn't possibly have craved your attention so viscerally he'd happily accept mere scraps. And yet here he was, a lap dog, watching you as you leave as though silently begging for another glance, another chance to watch your eyes burn with that familiar, delicious anger, another meal to satisfy his starved heart.

For a moment, he would have gladly followed you, and pestered you to death, just to irk you and become a willing victim of your wrath. Anything... just for that attention.

a/n: wow. no stop why am i kind of in shock at the poetic lines i kinda think i did a great job! but 4 whatever reason it's always the writing i think was total shit that does actual numbers *sob*

aghhhh in any case. no i don't have an excuse 4 this. my requests are still technically closed. i just... couldn't help myself... so consider this a freebie. regardless though if u like my writing feel free 2 fill the fuck out of my inbox idnc i love hearing from y'all.

also TUMBLR KEEPS TURNING OFF MY REBLOGS!!!! GRAH!!!!!! tumblr hates me y'all they keep catching on2 me 4 writing porn :( so please if u really wanna show appreciation and tumblr won't let u reblog, leave a comment! those make me happy :)

anyways. usual note that i adore likes, comments, and tagged reblogs!! please tell me how much you like my writing, i love to hear it and it keeps me going! until next timeeeeeeee!

EDIT: I FORGOTTT QUICK EXPLAINATION: im assuming everyone knows pavlov's dog and the whole classical conditioning theory. this story is basically that mixed with the mere-exposure effect.

neutral stimulus: mc's presence

natural response: leo's arousal/excitement

response-producing stimulus: mc's anger

mere-exposure effect: psychological effect in which a like or dislike of things is developed merely due 2 familiarity.

[jayladfanpage]

OPENED the first page of Robin lives #3 and just EXPERIENCED EMOTIONAL DAMAGE

fuCK. LIKE. GENUINELY. FUCK. going to consume raw bismuth rn im sobbubg I had hopes after they showed Shelia and just F U C KKKKKKKKKKK

I think writers forget so much of what made adtif adtif and what made Robin Jason Robin Jason. that boy was willing to give up Robin at that point for just a loving family? The issues that led to adtif? WHAT ABOUT HIS whole struggle and issues with being robin itself? what are we even doing here. Nothing is addressed. Instead we get fucking revenge story after revenge story I'm going to implode die. now I feel stupid about waiting for it. I'm half incomprehensible about most of the things I HATED. DICK. What is he saying. God.

I miss u robin Jason, he was so much... a singular character... barr's run... starlin too to a degree... UGH. HIS CHARACTER THESIS IS LOVE ??? ON GOD I will consume 2 tons of pipebombs today fucking hell on god he barely gets dialog, he barely gets shit, I liked 1 panel and that s it im

Anyhow :D yippie ! Happy to see that you're here for fanon writers and all ! Super cool of you ! And your posts are vvv cool, much love ! Would love to hear your thoughts on Robin lives#3 :) <3

Anon you are so incredibly fucking real for this

Issue #3 is... such a fucking disappointment. Exactly like you said, already the first page makes my blood fucking BOIL.

There's a fundamental misunderstanding, in this issue, of where Red Hood!Jason's ideas of revenge come from. His obsession with Joker's death specifically isn't actually out of a need to have Joker dead, it's a need to prove to himself that Bruce loves him more than he loves his mission. Which is not true for Jason or any of Bruce's other children. Gotham will always come first.

So to have Jason go after Joker with the intent to kill him (and succeed at it!) is spitting in the face of all the complicated, messy familial ties that are at the core of UTRH, for the sake of some sense that Jason was always doomed to be the way he is as an adult.

Jason also doesn't feel good after killing people. He doesn't derive any pleasure from it. He's not disgusted by or ashamed of the things he's done, far from it, but to him the murders are just a means to an end. A task to complete if he wants to save Gotham in the way that Bruce isn't able to. Murdering people sure as fuck isn't the "best thing" to ever happen to him. What the fuck.

I also really hate this page. As much as I don't expect any teenager to fully "deal" with their trauma, because they're a teenager, Jason certainly wouldn't run from it. Jason is perhaps the most openly emotional Bat character, and that's always been one of his most important personality traits. He talks about his pain and his trauma, constantly and endlessly, because Jason benefits from communicating his emotions, even if he does it aggressively or explosively.

Plus, "paralyzed with fear" ?? Jason's fear response is FIGHT not freeze. It's never been freeze. Every time Jason is scared, as Robin or otherwise, he responds by picking a fight. He flings himself head-on to the thing that's making him afraid because god fucking damn it Jason has always been good at saving himself -- which is why he's so desperate to have Bruce kill Joker, so that somebody else will protect him for a change.

This plot I'm conflicted on. I've always hated Timmy Todd and always thought that Jason should have been Joker Junior instead. However, this was not the comic to do it in. Robin Lives should have been a comic about trauma and vulnerability and healing. Main Continuity already gives us the neverending loop of Jason's trauma, of how it keeps constantly getting worse and worse, and I wanted Robin Lives to have been different. I wanted it to grab me by the shoulders and say He could have been fine. Jason could have healed. If only things had been different, Jason Todd could have been good.

But it didn't. It's just another fucking Cheer storyline where we read about a child being "doomed from the beginning" and shifting the blame of Red Hood onto Jason for being a lost cause instead of acknowledging the greater context of Jason's death and revival and it's just. Ugh. It fucking sucks.

Also, Bruce would never say this about saving like a dozen children. "Bigger fish to fry" WHILE HE IS RESCUING BRAINWASHED CHILDREN? where is my Bruce Wayne and what did you do to him

About the fanon writers -- thank you! I always find the hate for them a little misplaced. There are dozens of canons across hundreds of comics and fanfiction as a medium is supposed to have a certain degree of separation from its source. I think a lot less people would be upset over "fanon" batfam fics if the writers understood better core traits of the characters. Fanfiction isn't about "Would [x] do this" it's about "How would [x] do this" and a lot of non-writers don't understand that and just think fanon is always horrible.

[banavalope]

Hello, I'm a Homestuck and Good Omens fan and just saw your post about coffee. I came to the Homestuck fandom way late, though, and don't know what the coffee theory was. I was wondering if you'd be willing to share that story from the trenches if it's not too traumatic :)

I'll preface by saying, this all happened near about the time I began to step away from Homestuck, as this was late 2011 to early 2012. My recollection could very well be missing some juicier deets, because I always managed to avoid the worst of it. In all I had a pretty benign time floating about the Homestuck fandom, I'll say that. My knowledge is as a fly's.

If you want the short version: once upon a time, the Homestuck fandom was so stupid it had discourse over the way coffee was drawn in a single panel, because the stylistic choice used to show the way cheap potted coffee has that oil slick sheen on the top Really got the gamerz thinking Gamzee was putting troll blood in the coffee.

The long version is this: this Act was annoying. All the Acts had been annoying, there'd been rather more than six of them so far. The fandom's toxicity was at its most potent, and the main fandom exodus hadn't happened yet. But the stylistic choice brewing on page 4702 of A6I2 suggested a discourse was on the horizon, and it was the size of planet fucking Jupiter.

To understand the affairs of 2011/12 Homestucks, a few things are important to mention: first, nobody enjoyed Act 6. Ask anyone from the tumblr era First Wave, we all agreed that Cascade would have been a better place to start wrapping up the comic as a whole. When Act 6 opened introducing the alpha kids, a whole new plot derivative, and we all realized we'd have to go through the same slog again, that the story wasn't over, the collective exhaustion was palpable. SWATHS left unhappy; worse yet (for some), the alpha kids brought us away from the game of SBURB and the over-aching plot, to instead place our focus on their interpersonal relationships. It was a bad time to take your audience away from a well crafted climax.

Reading it now as a completed work makes this not so bad, because the book is wrote. You can consume it as a finished piece and clearly interpret a through line for yourself, start to finish. Skip it even, if you want. When you've no idea at what time the next update will come, while all the pieces remain necessary to tell the story, any pacing is bad pacing.

Second, while Homestucks are known for many things - all of them cringe - the one that goes overlooked most, in spite of the ripple effect we still feel from it today in every corner, is the sheer amount of over analyzing done to the story itself. Every panel, every inch of every pixel, was a part of a puzzle we all collectively made up. Theorizing was an integral part to the Update Culture era of Homestuck's fandom, that we Figure Out the Story, you had to be the one who predicted what came next. Impressive how none of us came up with some kind of fandom Nobel Peace Prize, for how much we lauded it as a lifetime achievement.

I'll give you, Homestuck does have a very rich narrative. Much of it, I'll favor, is even intentional. It made worldbuilding choices captivating enough to get people painting themselves grey, for fun, so surely it had a few right ideas in some places. And there's nothing wrong about analyzing your media, picking apart its references to tie together a background story, even if it's just one you make up based on how you experienced reading it. That's kind of the whole point of consuming art. It's to be discussed, share your personal conclusions on. Theory is the breath of creativity.

It's the whole part about wanting to be right, where Homestucks as a collective force wanted to start eating each other alive on the spot. We were fucking OBNOXIOUS with theory posting. I'll be honest with you, I really ate that kind of thing up, and even I was getting annoyed. People were beginning to stretch, likely to cope with becoming bored.

Finally, the sober Gamzee controversy. This came about a while before coffeegate, but the effect the inciting update had on Homestucks is comparable to a haunting. It was fucking chernobyl, and a bad day to be a nuclear scientist because now it was your problem. Vriska fans - equally insufferable, as we all were by some respect[1] - and Gamzee fans fought with each other VEHEMENTLY, just to see whos gang was better. Keep that in the background of your mind as the theme music to what's playing. Everyone was anxiously wondering what had happened to Gamzee, because for the last several some-odd panels, we'd lost the boy. He was full of murderous intent, we were down to precious few characters on the meteor left, and we'd lost the boy.

So here we are. It's 2011. We're standing now at the end of the world, we've lost the boy for several panels, and finally the plot is trying to move along. We're all tired, and irritated, and divorced, doing this song and dance one more time but god willing the LAST TIME, when a joke about the look of shitty potted coffee gets made.

And some harbinger of the fucking apocalypse takes to tumblr dot com, drafting up a post about how Gamzee - living in the meteor walls - is putting troll blood into the coffee. Because, otherwise, how is Kanaya as a rainbow drinker doing so fine? Dave called the taste metallic, like blood. Something something long forgotten theories about trolls blood here something something. People would chime in to say "that's just how coffee looks", somehow it dissolved into actual discourse of people violently discussing back and forth how it could ONLY BE BLOOD, because coffee drawn in a prior panel UPDATES AGO didn't have the film on top, only now AFTER SOBER GAMZEE. Etcetera. It was just the worst case of reading too hard into something that you done ever did see.

Shortly following this, many people who were already growing exhausted with Homestuck's narrative direction at this point decided to take this coffee theory as their sign the flood was coming and to board the ark or learn how to swim. Anyone who learned to swim subsequently left during the exodus of 2015.

Again, my memory is pretty hazy. Thanks to Requiem Cafe, surprisingly difficult to google these days. Certainly another old still following me will have something more to add that I'm forgetting, as your handy dandy unreliable narrator.

[1] Said the Eridan fan.

[6-hours]

Pretty much a diary entry

I just binged Nagata Kabi's stuff since I found it in the library and it felt like a thing I needed in the moment...

The cycle of feeling bad, then feeling good, then feeling bad, etc etc just reminds me that personal suffering doesn't have a narrative arc. You suffer, you overcome, and honestly the "overcome" part might not even be permanent. In the pit of suffering you can't tell if it'll ever get better and that makes it so much worse... Like what if this time, being sad is permanent.

This isn't the first time I got sad, and if my past experience is anything to judge by, I'll probably get over this sadness too. Then forget about it and go be sad about something or other again!!! It's a cycle!!!! It never stops!!!!

Anhedonia really sucks. But this time, it made me think, "If I'm going to do stuff and not enjoy it, I might as well do something that's good for me even if I don't enjoy doing it." It was that thought that pushed me to drop some covid weight, and do physical activity (which I'd never done purposefully in my entire life until right now!!!). (Like if I'm going to be sad at least I can try to be physically healthy I guess)

And I have a lot of time that I have trouble filling, so I take my time to do stuff that I'd always thought was annoying or a waste of time. Sometimes I walk 20 mins to the grocery store to get a single jug of milk. I take my time to actually clean the bathroom or kitchen. I don't resent maintenance chores as much as I used to. It's something that should be done, and I have time to do it, and the time isn't coming out of something I'd rather be doing. I haven't overcome that hurdle when it comes to cooking though... Thankfully my spouse is happy to handle food.

I'm working on a personal project that's supposed to be "as big as it needs to be, take as long as it will end up taking". I've always had a hard time with something like that because I guess external validation is very tied to my enjoyment of drawing. If I don't get some kind of feedback the enjoyment has to derive purely from my own belief in the project... This is something that basically drove me to utter sadness in thesis year college because I had shut down socially. When I wasn't talking to people, every missed point of contact played out in my head as a scenario where other people directly rejected me. (So and so didn't talk to me when I walked by them in the hall! They must have so little interest in me they don't even want to talk to me! Completely forget the fact that I said absolutely nothing to them!!!)

Anyway! I really took some time to dissect what parts about this project is

Something I wish I could be capable of doing

Something I kept thinking about doing

What are the hard parts about it that I thought I wasn't good enough for

What kind of work I need to put in to make the hard parts possible

I've managed to dismantle some illusions I have about "good artists" and how "good work" actually comes about. I also put aside the thoughts of "this isn't good enough for the kind of scope you want". (The prof in college that said "Do your research! People can tell when you haven't done your research!" really paralyzed me. I had no idea how much research is "enough", especially when it came to something I didn't obsess over, and if it's not "enough" I'll be scrutinized to the ends of the earth. Why put myself through that scrutiny? Why bother doing anything, ever? You can't be criticized for doing something badly if you never do it at all. Take that,!!!!)

The point of doing this project is, I think, to prove to myself that I did it. And at the end of it maybe do another one. Then at the end of all these projects, I can say to myself, look at the body of work you produced! It might not be good, it might not be liked by other people, heck maybe no one else other than you ever saw or knew it existed. But! I put all the thoughts in my head into a physical form. It gets to exist more than it used to.

[tincansamurai]

for some reason they sent me my allergy blood test results at like 10pm so i’ve just been doing research since then. i’m going to strangle and kill birch pollen

basically the main protein in birch pollen is responsibly for a lot of cross-reactivity. every food i’m allergic to is known to be cross-reactive with birch pollen. the results i got back had some component tests (breakdowns of multiple proteins in a food to see which you are sensitive to) and i am completely non-reactive to everything BUT the birch pollen related ones. 

this means my food allergies, all of which started in adulthood, are like 99% derived just from being super reactive to birch. you would think this also means that effective treatment of the birch allergy would fix these, but that appears to be pretty hit-or-miss because there are multiple parts of your immune system that become trained to react to the food proteins. immunotherapy is basically training some other part of your immune system to grab the proteins first so the IgE can’t get it and give you a severe reaction, but those other parts are less eager to be cross-reactive than IgE.

the thing that is really confusing me about my situation in particular is that i legit don’t get pollinosis. i have literally never had hay fever. i have no idea when it’s pollen season because i don’t get sneezy or stuffed up or teary or anything at all. even when it’s so bad you see clouds of green tree sperm in the air. i’ve only ever gotten like that in super moldy environments. yet every test shows i should be fucking dying like 24/7 from how reactive i am. and i’m more and more reactive to stuff i eat so it’s not like there’s no effect on me. i wonder what hidden problems i have from this that i’ve just never noticed or assumed were my default state of being

the thing that’s really frustrating me is the hypothetical world where i got treatment for this sooner and didn’t develop more food allergies. of course given i had 0 idea how allergic i was until i started having food reactions, that was probably impossible. all i can hope is that i can get immunotherapy at some point and it helps instead of making everything worse (also possible)

good news is that thru my research i found that the soy protein i’m allergic to is not present in soy sauce, so i can cook like a human being again. i mean it’s gonna take me some time to work up the courage but that’ll be nice. bad news is the result is in the Very High category so even soy products with small ppm are uhhh scary, since that same study showed ppl having systemic reactions not just OAS ones. no idea when i will feel comfortable eating at restaurants again. i assume soybean oil and soy lecithin are ok, but i gotta research that some more

[plunder-heaven-and-devour-god]

Tropes!

My brother and I are discussing how to put out tropey indulgent media out there while still making original content that is aware of its environment. 

We were looking at tropes and stupidities that we never get tired of in movies/books/games and why we still kind of want them in our content. For example, I can’t get enough of Enemies to Lovers and the bro loves the Jerk with a Heart of Gold Trope. How do you incorporate that into new original ways to stories that still feature a socially conscious voice?

You cannot slap on traits of that trope and expect it to work. You cannot frame the shortcomings of the trope as ideal and you cannot gloss over the ramifications of the trope. Discard what is harmful, take what you love, and run with it. 

EDUCATE YOURSELF, really though, figure out the shortcomings of this trope. Where does it fail? Where does it succeed? I know that my Enemies to Lovers falls through A LOT! How many times do you find  they’re battling each other and clearly the writers weren’t aware of the rules of said trope and they end up being ultimately flat and abusive? The Byronic Hero being the other one people get wrong A LOT. How do you tread that line with elements that can easily run into abusive and violent (or fucking stupid for that matter)? Same for the Jerk with a Heart of Gold  trope, which done properly is great. How many of us have fallen prey to any character who cracks wise and makes bad decisions but ultimately loves and cares? If done badly it treads into dismissive/belittling/abusive 

To give examples of two shortcomings and two successes with these tropes I’ll offer up:

Byronic Hero:

Good: Mr Rochester 

Bad: Literally any bad YA love interest

“Byronic heroes are charismatic characters with strong passions and ideals, but who are nonetheless deeply flawed individuals who may act in ways which are socially reprehensible because he's definitely contrary to his mainstream society. A Byronic hero is on his own side and has his own set of beliefs which he will not bow nor change for anyone. A Byronic hero is a character whose internal conflicts are heavily romanticized and who himself ponders and wrestles with his struggles and beliefs. Some are portrayed with a suggestion of dark crimes or tragedies in their past.” THE LITERAL BYRONIC HERO TROPE PAGE

I feel like that biblical paragraph sums up the Byronic Hero. Where lets say Rochester and Frankenstein or their modern equivalents never have their behaviour or actions framed as good, we still find ourselves engaging with them. It’s indulgent in its admission. It has to be your bag, and it’s that you have to be here for. You have to like engaging with a character that has done bad things but still has enough emotional relatability that instills fascination. 

What is not fascinating/enjoying/attractive is watching bad YA that frames these bad qualities as ideal or go as far as to fetishize them. For instance, the possessive boyfriend angle ‘cause it’s hot is one of my PET PEEVES. YOU WILL ALWAYS GET MORE TRACTION WITH FRAMING THEM AS BAD THAN HAVING THEM DO CREEPY SHIT AND BANKING ON US EMOTIONALLY ENGAGING WITH THEM POSITIVELY. (Looking at you Tiger’s Curse)

You have to be aware where the trope works and where it doesn’t. The authors of bad YA have the intent to make them conflicted/tragic/flawed but don’t really want to examine what made those byronic heroes enjoyable. Instead they take surface attributes and slap them on. Byronic Hero is hiding a wife in the attic (BAD and framed as such)! Bad YA Love Interest is demeaning and patronizing to flirt (BAD and framed as good!) Challenges God and Nature and is NOW A FATHER (Not So Great Frankenstein and not framed as such) . Bad YA Love Interest is physically possessive because that is what this demographic finds sexy (BAd and framed as Good)

Here is an alternative! YA Love interest does bad shit and its not framed as anything good! The protag can react with more autonomy than :Oh that’s hot and my reader’s will think so too! The protag can be dismissive, angry, or shitty right back! No one is absolved! But you can still engage with them on a more nuanced level. You can suddenly make connections with the Byronic Hero because you understand their fear or their conflict, rather have it be a lazy flashback to explain why your bad YA Love Interest is being shitty. 

How to be indulgent: Make your awful characters awful and frame them as such! IF you’re able to create a subtle character that warrants the trope then clearly they have what it takes to be engaging! 

The Jerk with a Heart of Gold trope:

Good: Iron Man (I know people with debate this but we like him in this house so go with it) 

Bad: Any sitcom husband ever

“A person you would expect to be a big Jerkass has some redeeming qualities behind their tough demeanor. Occasionally, they'll try to make it a Hidden Heart of Gold.” - The Jerk with a Heart of Gold TV Tropes Page. 

Awareness is a big factor in incorporating this trope into new ideas and new content because I don’t think this one is ever going away. It obviously manifests in different capacities and genres. But I chose the above examples because they’re familiar, and can be played for drama and laughs. 

Tony Stark is a good iteration Jerk with a Heart of Gold because his actions aren’t framed as harmless or irrelevant. He is a hot mess, he says it himself. He makes bad decision after bad decision and endangers himself and others in the process. Why does he still have a heart of gold? He still gets the “save the cat moment” and he is given time to show his conflict and reasoning as relatable.  He creates Ultron, sides with the UN in Civil War (I still see a lot of his motivation as valid which to each their own when it comes to that movie). He does so out of guilt and the desperate need to hold himself accountable. Being the only person on the avengers who fights by ways of inventions he has understood the consequences of bringing this technology in the world and stepping up an arms race. And yet he continues to fight. To an audience we see his shortcomings as an individual. And yet we feel for him. He is framed with a more subtle dialogue, he is flawed, he tries to be heroic, but he has no clue what he’s doing, and continues anyways.        

I bring Sitcom Husband up because so often show writers will create Sitcom Husband with harmful and toxic male coded traits in mind. They are:

Callous, lazy, clueless, domineering, stupid, always wrong, uglier than their partner, enforce toxic gendered norms, homophobic, transphobic, and/or racist? 

You are not framing your Sitcom Husband’s actions as shitty and bad and worthy of changing. They are being framed as commonplace, expected, and normal. These are not just “jerk” things to do, they are emblematic of larger social issues that many sitcom writers shouldn’t be allowed to tackle. There is the opportunity to have characters that evolve and change but they aren’t allowed because they represent you, the male viewer, and you are shitty and unable of changing. And to all the other genders out there: this is your lot and life, this is how people will treat you. 

Flawed Superhero sides with the UN (Not Ideal but Framed with Good intentions). Sitcom Husband cant remember anything relevant about children’s lives (NOT GREAT but framed as commonplace instead emblematic of a larger issue).

To give an example of Sitcom dads who don’t hit this bad note: Bob from Bob’s Burgers is great, he’s tired of his family’s Shenanigans, but loves them and would do anything for them. An example of Jerk with a Heart of Gold that doesn’t have his shitty actions framed as okay but is still likeable (sounds a bit Byronic Heroish but he’s not trust me). 

The Lens:

Gender

The Byronic Hero and the Jerkass with a Heart of Gold are very gender laden tropes as well. The moment you apply these tropes to people who are not cis men, they transform in meaning, and not to mention, there are BARELY ANY OF THEM. Just trying to find villains who are just cis women with proper writing is a task in 2018. These terms get applied to men and their definitions are validated by their interaction with heroines or other men. 

The failed Byronic Hero is aimed at “female audiences”. It’s a tangled snare of a male content creators guessing at what “women” want and women who have fetishized and internalized the failures of this trope. All come to the conclusion that “chicks dig bad boys”. Not to be that person, but it also vastly misunderstands the appeal that Byronic Heroes have for all genders. It is extremely difficult to create new content that pays homage to this trope without hitting the pitfalls of most media. 

The failed Jerk with a Heart of Goal is aimed at a gender dichotomous audience. It’s a snub of content creators of what they think, you, man or woman, are. The faults are framed as inevitable manifestations of gender and yet still excusable because these jerk related tendencies are just part of being man or a woman, and not a vast social system that favours few and marginalizes many. This extends to race and sexuality as well. Your jerkishness is thanks to your identity, and therefore, unchangeable. 

Race

From a race perspective? They’re all white. We are at a point in Western Media, at the very least, where diversity is becoming an increasing demand. But with media content creators still being part of an out of touch racial group, it’s difficult to see any character, let alone anyone with the discussed tropes represented. We are at the point where your diversity, if a larger role, is going to be portrayed as perfect. This is a major issue I take with creating poc, and woc characters, not to mention characters of different gender and sexual identities. There aren’t enough diverse content creators to get us past this block of creators making them perfect because they don’t know how to make a human character who is also of color. 

This makes the Jerkass with a Heart of Gold impossible to tackle. We are starting to see more fleshed out characters nowadays. It is still a fairly recent sensation to HAVE A SELECTION to chose from.

I would love it if Byronic Heroes and Jerks With A Heart of Gold came in color. We are meant to watch white guys do bad shit and engage with the conflict of their character. And as a mixed race women it is definitely a weird place to sit when one does enjoy tropes like that. IT’s even more unsettling when we can’t extend that empathetic engagement  to men of color, or woc, or god forbid, trans people. (let everyone have a byronic hero honestly)

And in a world of hate crimes and deplorable race relations, what is the relevancy of this trope? What is the relevancy of this trope in a visual mass media already saturated with badly written YA Love Interest or Not So Deep Byronic Heroes?

I’m not an expert, but as a  consumer of books/tv/movies/etc I don’t think fiction is the root of all mankind’s evil and I don’t think fading this trope out of visual mass media is going to get rid of it. I, personally, think we need more content creators of color, of different gender identities, and different sexualities reinterpreting Jerk Ass with a Heart of Gold and the Byronic Hero.

Gender Binary and Sexuality

I chose these two tropes because they’re traditionally VERY gender related. And I mention this to clarify that the market is aimed at a gender binary: straight girl or straight boy. Gays, Bis, Non Binary, Gender fluid, or trans folk, for example, are left out of the equation of: what do they want to see in media?

I do know that for as long as evil has existed there has always been a very clear coding as to what the villain’s sexuality might be. It’s clearly deplorable how literally the only representation a huge marginalized community get will be in the form of a morally or sexually debauched villain. Which is why I will never forgive LeFou being made gay (you couldn’t have picked any other character from your 600000 other features Disney?). 

Also as a Cis woman, I don’t feel like I can do an accurate run down of how indulgent tropes fail or succeed with a LGBT lens. I have a base idea of WHAT NOT TO DO but I would rather see other people talk about it! 

 So PLEASE! Add to this discussion! I would love to hear about which tropes you love but where media fails you and in what capacity! Or where they’ve gone right! 

But as someone who loves their tropey enemies-to-lovers and villains I will keep returning to them in my media consumption and I be subject to paying them homage when the time is appropriate! 

That being said! I had no clue this would get so long.

[mariacallous]

As Russia ramps up its second offensive, a debate has erupted over whether Moscow or Kyiv will have the upper hand in 2023. While important, such discourse also misses a larger point related to the conflict’s longer-term consequences. In the long run, the true loser of the war is already clear; Russian President Vladimir Putin’s invasion of Ukraine will be remembered as a historic folly that left Russia economically, demographically, and geopolitically worse off.

Start with the lynchpin of Russia’s economy: energy. In contrast to Europe’s (very real) dependence on Russia for fossil fuels, Russia’s economic dependence on Europe has largely gone unremarked upon. As late as 2021, for example, Russia exported 32 percent of its coal, 49 percent of its oil, and a staggering 74 percent of its gas to OECD Europe alone. Add in Japan, South Korea, and non-OECD European countries that have joined Western sanctions against Russia, and the figure is even higher. A trickle of Russian energy continues to flow into Europe, but as the European Union makes good on its commitment to phase out Russian oil and gas, Moscow may soon find itself shut out of its most lucrative export market.

In a petrostate like Russia that derives 45 percent of its federal budget from fossil fuels, the impact of this market isolation is hard to overstate. Oil and coal exports are fungible, and Moscow has indeed been able to redirect them to countries such as India and China (albeit at discounted rates, higher costs, and lower profits). Gas, however, is much harder to reroute because of the infrastructure needed to transport it. With its $400 billion gas pipeline to China, Russia has managed some progress on this front, but it will take years to match current capacity to the EU. In any case, China’s leverage as a single buyer makes it a poor substitute for Europe, where Russia can bid countries against one another.

This market isolation, however, would be survivable were it not for the gravest unintended consequence of Russia’s war—an accelerated transition toward decarbonization. It took a gross violation of international law, but Putin managed to convince Western leaders to finally treat independence from fossil fuels as a national security issue and not just an environmental one.

This is best seen in Europe’s turbocharged transition toward renewable energy, where permitting processes that used to take years are being pushed up. A few months after the invasion, for example, Germany jump-started construction on what will soon be Europe’s largest solar plant. Around the same time, Britain accelerated progress on Hornsea 3, slated to become the world’s largest offshore wind farm upon completion. The results already speak for themselves; for the first time ever last year, wind and solar combined for a higher share of electrical generation in Europe than oil and gas. And this says nothing of other decarbonization efforts such as subsidies for heat pumps in the EU, incentives for clean energy in the United States, and higher electric vehicle uptake everywhere.

The cumulative effect for Russia could not be worse. Sooner or later, lower demand for fossil fuels will dramatically and permanently lower the price for oil and gas—an existential threat to Russia’s economy. When increased U.S. shale production depressed oil prices in 2014, for example, Russia experienced a financial crisis. Lower global demand for fossil fuels will play out over a longer timeline, but the result for Russia will be much graver. With its invasion, Russia hastened the arrival of an energy transition that promises to unravel its economy.

Beyond a smaller and less efficient economy, Putin’s war in Ukraine will also leave Russia with a smaller and less dynamic population. Russia’s demographic problems are well-documented, and Putin had intended to start reversing the country’s long-running population decline in 2022. In a morbid twist, the year is likelier to mark the start of its irrevocable fall. The confluence of COVID and an inverted demographic pyramid already made Russia’s demographic outlook dire. The addition of war has made it catastrophic.

To understand why, it’s important to understand the demographic scar left by the 1990s. In the chaos that followed the Soviet Union’s dissolution, Russia’s birthrate plunged to 1.2 children per woman, far below the 2.1 needed for a population to remain stable. The effects can still be seen today; while there are 12 million Russians aged 30-34 (born just before the breakup of the Soviet Union), there are just 7 million aged 20-24 (born during the chaos that followed it). That deficit meant Russia’s population was already poised to fall, simply because a smaller number of people would be able to have children in the first place.

Russia’s invasion has made this bad demographic hand cataclysmic. At least 120,000 Russian soldiers have died so far—many in their 20s and from the same small generation Russia can scarcely afford to lose. Many more have emigrated, if they can, or simply fled to other countries to try to wait out the war; exact numbers are hard to calculate, but the 32,000 Russians who have immigrated to Israel alone suggest the total number approaches a million.

Disastrously, the planning horizons of Russian families have been upended; it is projected that fewer than 1.2 million Russian babies may be born next year, , which would leave Russia with its lowest birthrate since 2000. A spike in violent crime, a rise in alcohol consumption, and other factors that collude against a family’s decision to have children may depress the birthrate further still. Ironically, over the last decade Putin managed to slow (if not reverse) Russia’s population decline through lavish payoffs for new mothers. Increased military spending and the debt needed to finance it will make such generous natalist policies harder.

The invasion has left Russia even worse off geopolitically. Unlike hard numbers and demographic data, such lost influence is hard to measure. But it can be seen everywhere, from public opinion polls across the West to United Nations votes that the Kremlin has lost by margins as high as 141 to 5. It can also be seen in Russia’s own backyard; while an emboldened NATO could soon include Sweden and Finland, Russia’s own Collective Security Treaty Organization is tearing at the seams as traditional allies such as Kazakhstan and Armenia realize the Kremlin’s impotence and look to China for security.

Perhaps most important of all, Russia has reinvigorated the cause of liberal democracy. In the year after its invasion, French President Emmanuel Macron won a rare second term in France, the far-right AfD lost ground in three successive elections in Germany, and “Make America Great Again” Republicans paid an electoral penalty in the U.S. midterms. (The far right did sweep into power in both Sweden and Italy, but such wins have so far failed to dent Western unity and appear more motivated by immigration.) And this says nothing of the wave of democratic consolidation playing out across Eastern Europe, where voters have thrown out illiberal populists in Slovenia and Czechia in the last year alone. It is impossible to attribute any of these outcomes to just one factor (U.S. Democrats also got a boost from the overturn of Roe v. Wade and election denialism, for example), but Russia’s invasion—and the clear choice between liberalism and autocracy it presented—no doubt helped.

Nowhere, however, has Russia’s invasion backfired more than in Ukraine. Contrary to Putin’s historical revisionism, Ukraine has long had a national identity distinct from Russia’s. But it’s also long been fractured along linguistic lines, with many of its elites intent on maintaining close relations with the Kremlin and even the public unsure about greater alignment with the West.

No longer. Ninety-one percent of Ukrainians now favor joining NATO, a figure unthinkable just a decade ago. Eighty-five percent of Ukrainians consider themselves Ukrainian above all else, a marker of civic identity that has grown by double digits since Russia’s invasion. Far from protecting the Russian language in Ukraine, Putin appears to have hastened its demise as native Russian speakers (Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky included) switch to Ukrainian en masse. Putin launched his invasion to bring Ukraine back into Moscow’s orbit. He has instead anchored its future in the West.

Of course, one can argue that, however much the war has cost Russia, it has cost Ukraine exponentially more. This is true. Ukraine’s economy shrank by more than 30 percent last year, while Russia’s economy contracted by just about 3 percent. And this says nothing of the human toll Ukraine has suffered. But, like Brexit, Western sanctions on Russia will play out as a slow burn, not an immediate collapse. And while Russia enters a protracted period of economic and demographic decline, once peace comes, Ukraine will have the combined industrial capacity of the EU, United States, and United Kingdom to support it as the West’s newest institutional member—precisely the outcome Putin hoped to avoid. Russia may yet make new territorial gains in the Donbas. But in the long run, such gains are immaterial—Russia has already lost.

[regarding-stories]

Reading the books: "My Youth Romantic Comedy is wrong, as I expected."

What takes 15 days? Correct! Reading the 14 main line novels of "My Youth Romantic Comedy is wrong, as I expected." and the Volume 14.5 short story collection. What a ride...

What I definitely can say: The anime series was extremely faithful to the books. When you stick to the mainline and omit the short stories, you would mostly miss out on one thing. The best thing!

Hachiman Hikigaya's endless inner monologue!!

Good lord, this boy has issues. He's overly in his own head, makes lots of assumptions, is too smart for his own good, and too clueless. I just love it.

Gazing into the abyss with rotten eyes

Writing a series completely or almost completely from the point of view of its protagonist, basically mostly from his stream of consciousness, has of course its own set of challenges. Luckily it's not plain stream of consciousness but also scene setting and descriptions of the other people's actions, and a lot of the fun of the series derives from contrasting Hikki's assumptions and interpretations with your own.

It's also frustrating... (Also, spoilers, I guess.)

And late in the series I was asking myself, if the boy had any connection to his feelings at all. Author Wataru Watari has a habit of hiding the obvious, and so our main characters beat around the bush to the very last. I did get a tad annoying. But I'm getting ahead of myself...

What actually works quite well is the evolutionary change we see in Hachiman over the series. The way he thinks about people changes subtly and continuously. In the beginning he even calls the ever-lovely Yui Yuigahama a "ho" and a "slut" to her face. Hardly charming!! This is one of the moments one has to endure, proof of Hachiman's resentment towards the world after having been ostracized for so long, his hate for "normies." And on the surface, Yui is the uber-normie, the adaptable, the one willing to change for the sake of popularity - something Hachiman cannot abide with. Initially.

It paves the ground, however, for enjoying all the deeper the kindness Hikki displays in his thoughts later on towards Yui, or how highly he thinks of her in the end. (Though not of her lack of book smarts which he confuses for intelligence.)

While we're at it, Hikkitani's eyes gaze upon a few other things. I was remarking in my original post about the anime series how refreshingly low on male gaze it was. Well, our protagonist is male, and he occasionally compares bust sizes... not in the most charming way, either. However, it's neither permanently so nor done unconvincingly. We did enter the mind of a male teen, after all. In reality, we would have been bound to find much worse things there, after all... Of which we get one hint, really. (I will not tell.)

An almost unbroken stream...

What we also get is a lot of Hachiman's thoughts about his boy crush Saika Totsuka. Which is endlessly hilarious in all its bi-confusion. The scenarios unfolding in his mind without filter - I can't tire of them.

However, for the first 11 volumes we are home alone inside the head of our anti-hero. The last three, however, mix things up a bit. Labeled as "Interludes" there are scenes that take place without Hachiman, written from the view of another character. With Volume 14 we also get a multi-installment "Prelude" that features the scene between Yui and Yukino we didn't get a detailed glimpse of at the end of Volume 13.

What's annoying here is the tendency of omitting part of the dialogue and only describing it vaguely. We can infer that Yukino admits her love for Hachiman to Yui - whispered in her ear. Because that's what Yui knew all along but didn't want to hear. And we get Yui admitting the same to Yukino - that she's in love with Hachiman - but again it's not spelled out. We all know. But for some silly reason it's not spelled out.

Another central interlude is earlier when Yui discovers Yukinon's hidden treasure. Behind the stuffed Grue bear Hachiman got her, her hidden image of holding on to him on Splash Mountain. (Which hasn't been quite accurately transcribed into pictures.)

These scenes are necessary to understand everybody's actions for the complex ending. To understand why Yukinoshita seems to reject Hachiman and send him towards Yuigahama. To understand why Yui will in the end ask if it really feels alright and prompts her Hikki's final bid... towards the other girl. And why they all can remain together after. It also reveals Yui's mature side, her high degree of emotional intelligence, and her deep understanding fo and love for others.

We also get a bit into the head of Iroha Isshiki, Yukino and Haruno Yukinoshita, Hayato Hayama, and even Komachi Hikigaya. And a bit more of that if you read the final volume, 14.5. But the star of these scenes will always be Yui, the glue that holds them all together at the end - at great pain.

But in Volume 14 we get maybe the most convincing thing of all, something that I needed after seeing Hikki's indecisiveness for so long. He sums it up like this:

"I wish it had been a simpler kind of feeling. If it had been ordinary love or yearning, then I'm sure I wouldn't have felt so intensely. I wouldn't feel like this only happened once in a lifetime."

This is during Hachiman's confession. He says he wasn't struggling so much with being in love or a crush. What took him so long was figuring out a very complex feeling. (The passage is longer.) He's apparently able to discern between teenager hormones and the fact how well suited he is to be with this particular person, and how important that is to the other - to be seen, understood, and be loved at a deeper level. But the complexity is also discerning it from the love he already feels - like he would for Yui.

Other things you get from the books

One of the best things about the books besides Totsuka fantasies is the ability to read Iroha's terribly revealing rejections to Hachiman, each of them escalating over the previous one, getting ever more like invitations to ask her out just not right now. And her increasing complaints that he doesn't listen at all when she says them.

Also Irohasu's merciless teasing is best paced in the books. And Hachiman's opinion of her. These two would have chemistry for sure. It's just that this particular protagonist was made from the beginning for a particular heroine, and that's what I find so convincing about this series' narrative.

Sadly volume 14.5 only treats us to only one date between Yukino and Hachiman. I was hoping for more, but I take what I get. Even on their one month anniversary they're still all blushing smiles and red ears, but at the same time Yukino is already setting out a common future. Very cute.

If you want a real treat, however, search the internet. There are several anthology volumes filled with content mostly by other authors borrowing the characters - but also the short story "Thus A New Enemy Appears Before Him" from the anthology called "Yukino's Side" written by Wataru Watari himself. It has been translated by fans - I couldn't find a way to buy an actual English translation for any of this. The short story, however, is told from the vantage of Yukino's dad - his perceptions of the three highly intelligent women in his life and how they establish facts for him. The eternal struggle of the future father-in-law is real! The way he finds out that his youngest has a boyfriend had me in stitches. Also, Yukino's mom is on her game the whole time. Basically him mostly watching as his wife, Haruno, and Yukino interact is ... priceless.

[jiminrings]

petition for stem koo to do all the things for oc he originally said no one does (make her lunchboxes, makes her cheerful...) bc i think that’s a beautiful redemption arc

cold senior!y/n x stem major!koo masterlist :D

jungkook's day one of his redemption agenda doesn't go that well in the end

"namjoon!!! my man. got any updates for me?"

seokjin strolls coolly on the way to his office, hair slicked back and his dress shirt definitely missing more than a few buttons

what's head admin gonna do??? dress-code him???

fire him???? PLS HE'D BE BETTER OFF!!!!

jin makes student affairs his bitch,,, not the other way around

"for the last time, i am nOt your secretary!!" namjoon stresses as he ceases his typing just to glare at him

he's the university registrar and everyone needs to go through him and at this point he's like a historical landmark from how he's made impact in less than two years

and he and seokjin graduated from the same batch!!!! they're the uncanny always pair for the subjects they shared together

it was definitely weird but functional lol cause one is uptight yet hardworking and the other's relaxed yet smart

sue them for working in the same place they swore they'd never go back to after graduation </3

"if you say-"

"some kid's been waiting for you even before i opened the office. made him sit inside but i just told him that he'd be expelled if he even tries to touch your coffee machine."

namjoon says even before jin could finish the sentence, clearly holding that in until the last minute

jin's obviously a lil annoyed because he's starting work as early as now but the way that joon laid all that out on him is a highlight for him

"thanks. knew you're a secretary for me first and a registrar second."

"no. i'm a national citizen before-"

alright alright he's not listening anymore

this bETTER be important because jin has to hold out his morning routine for whoever this kid is

"what can i possibly do for you today?" he rubs his eyes in preparation, intentionally dragging his steps because just looking at how near he is to his work computer gives him vertigo

"mr. kim!!!"

no

there is no way

there is no fATHOMABLE way that this has got to be happening to seokjin right now

"..... jungkook. what a pleasure."

he sits on his chair, voice gritted and monotone and he could just feel his eye twitching, his clenched fist under his deck now flipping off the kid in secret

it's a last-minute realization that he grasps that jungkook doesn't know you're his friend and it presents some really unique vantage points

like the time that seokjin recounted about a ridiculous student's filing for theft of his lunchboxes and he turned out to be your crush

or when he used his student affairs capabilities and pulled up resources left and right when jungkook broke your heart then seriously contemplated about messing up his academic record

or that time when he delivered a high and sleepy you to bed and then heard the entire conversation (if you could even call it that) between yoongi and this fucking nerd

"i need your help, mr. kim. you're the closest one to me i could ask!!" jungkook pleads desperately, the big doe eyes not really inducing an effect on him whatsoever lmao

"mhmm. i may not be the person for the job. counseling is right next door."

jin hums without even attempting to get jungkook to elaborate because for all he knows, his services aren't exactly open for people who hurt his friends >:(

(a guy once bumped shoulders with yoongi twice on the same day with aTTITUDE!!! and seokjin just dismissed the dude's concerns when a prof of his, who's a buddy of jin's, suddenly gave him an F)

seokjin IS student affairs

“no, no. you’re the only one who can help me!! you see, i-i just feel this brotherly connection with you and-“

“we talked once.”

god what did you used to see in this kid??

a crybaby aND an easily-attached personality to him? god it’s like jungkook’s just asking jin to pick on him

jungkook doesn’t seem to pick up how jin’s making it obvious he really doesn’t want to be of help if it has something to do with him

he likes interrupting and jin’s just the perfect match to interrupt him even earlier so now they just sound like one of those dubsmash snippets

“MR. KIM!!! how do you make lunchboxes? i don't know how.”

jeez where are his manners :O aren’t nerds like him supposed to worship the ground that admins walk on,,,

but what did pique his attention is the content of what jungkook just said

.... lunchboxes?

jin doesn’t want to give the kid benefit of the doubt because the last time he did that, you got hurt!!!!

if he has to hear hyeji’s name one more time, he’d really waste no time in stripping jungkook’s name from the honor roll

“remember that time i thought someone was stealing my lunchboxes?” he quizzes jin like it’s his job, clueless how he’s poking the bear even more with where he decides to go with this, “yeah. turns out no one was.”

was that not made clear the first time around!!!!!! he knows for a fact that a uni student would trade a classmate for a pack of gum but nO ONE would go for stealing a lunchbox

no one wakes up one day and decides that they’d steal a lunchbox. literally none

“but then this random girl claimed that it was hers a-and well i-...”

kook pauses to gauge jin’s reaction, clearly seeing now the one brow that’s raised at him

oh so if jungkook just asked him how to make a lunchbox, and he called h-word random,,,, then that would mean-

“i may have hurt the original giver of my lunchboxes at the process.”

.... that means he’s asking how to make a lunchbox for you

well that was a pleasant surprise

seokjin snorts briefly at that, dryly chuckling with his eyes widening to stress out his “non-threat” that’s pretty mUCH a threat

“wow. i might just give you a sanction for that.”

does he think jungkook’s a good person? lol he has to think about that for a month

was he wrong for hurting you that way? ultimately yes

but did he think at some point that jungkook’s completely heartless and wouldn’t try to redeem himself to his senior? no, not completely

but is he still on your team, regardless if the kid begs for mercy and you forgive him? yea a hundred percent :D yoongi and seokjin could never be brought out from your circle

"and you're doing this why?"

this is a no-brainer question for jungkook but the question still spooks him, feeling the chills at his neck that responding to seokjin is like a sTEPPING STONE when it comes to you

lmao if only he knew

"i uh, i just really wanna make this right. i messed up completely and it's pretty much unforgivable, but i atleast wanna try and give my best even if she doesn't forgive me, y'know?"

interesting

"mhmm. right, right."

???

he's still mad but he appreciates that jeon's doing the bare minimum of redeeming himself

speaking of, the poor kid looks like he's pissing himself because he may have just embarrassed himself with how long the silence stretches out

maybe,,, just maybe jin's gonna try and be a bridge this time

but like as soon as jungkook lacks for a fourth of a second, seokjin would BURN that bridge faster than a blink

"well first of all, you buy a lunchbox."

RIGHT RIGHT

:O

jungkook grabs a literal pocket notebook and jin pretends he didn't see that because WHO the hell does that!!!!

"of course... okay, proceed!! i'm taking notes," jungkook nods in understanding, jotting down the very important advice of not ordering from online because you can't smell the material through a screen

p.s. smelling containers before you buy them is a VITAL thing to do!! it already tells you about the quality at the first sniff

"are you buying one?"

"buying one for every day of the week. i'm thinking if i should get extras too-

"good idea. i recommend buying eight."

alright seokjin's mentioning some very specific colors and schemes and jungkook's not complaining!!!

MAYBE HE'S ONTO SOMETHING!!!

"what meals should i make? i don't even know what she likes!! and even if i knew what, how would i make it?"

why is his heart racing

yoongi may have taught you how to do your taxes but jin taught you how to cook food that's more than four steps!!!

he taught you how to not flinch at all when you're frying and that's the equivalent of raising you to be the woman that you are now <3

look at him and yoongi being your best friends!! teaching you about taxes and being unnerved at cooking oil and busting out a smoke ring or two <3

in fact, the lunches you've cooked for jungkook are all inspired and derived by seokjin!!!

the fact that jungkook's plan isn't bad and the way everything pieces together with his insight,,,, goosebumps luv

"....hypothetically? what i think she'd like?"

jungkook eagerly nods with stars in his eyes, fingers gripping onto his pen for dear life as he tries to channel all his listening techniques into this lecture

"get a bigger notepad."

:O

wow

"look at you!!" yoongi gushes the moment he sees you, waiting at you from the front door

you're going back to your classes again :D

you don't look as worse as you did four days ago!! you're not as sluggish and as animated too

"please don't," you snort as yoongi doesn't seem to stop looking at you like you've saved the world, giving no fight when he insists on carrying your backpack to your first class of the day

the past four days,, yeah they were undoubtedly rough

you slept as much as you could and for the moments you weren't dejected enough to be awake, you spent it surrounding yourself with seokjin and yoongi as much as possible

that's the beauty of hanging out them!!! you're not required to have a single thought lmao

except for the time when yoongi wondered aloud how eels even live and die (or if they even do???) in the first place and that sent everyone in a spiral and you didn't think of jungkook for a single seconds

you're not intimidated to go back to regular programming or with the fact that it's nOT unlikely you'd see a glimpse of jungkook in the hall and such

but that does mean that even if you're the bigger person, you're still gonna avoid him for as long as you could

speaking of!!!! you're looking for the person now that you're eager to find

"taehyung!!"

there he is :D you'd recognize that fluffy mop of permed hair anywhere

"y/n!!"

tae jumps over chairs in excitement to finally see you again after being so worried for you, engulfing you in a hug immediately

alright you see why yoongi thinks he's a golden retriever

you're clearly not a touchy-feely person but you'd let this one pass,, tae helped you (even indirectly) throughout your downtime anyways

"thank you so much for the cookies. i tried taking smaller bites just because i didn't wanna have them disappear that easy," you confess sheepishly, knowing how you had to pull the i just got my heart broken like two days ago multiple times so the two menaces would stop stealing from your stash

:D

jungkook's excited!!!! seokjin may have given him a tip that "he felt it in his gut" that you were gonna go to class today

he came a little late because he wanted to perfect the very loaded lunchbox that's in his backpack right now

oh weird

you're not in your usual chair

bUT jungkook sees a glimpse of your hair and he's certain that you're there and his heart may be beating out of his ribcage

a baby peach lunchbox with a sticker (of what seokjin said he thought you'd like) on the middle of the lid :D

pork katsudon with furikake rice aND coffee jelly pudding on the side!!! it was definitely pressure-racking to strictly adhere to jin's recipe but god does it look worth it

jungkook's only did miniature taste tests on it and he had to stop himself from devouring the lunch that he's made specifically for you

the lunchbox itself is tied neatly with a silk wrap, adding his touch of sewing your name visibly on it aND there's a scribble taped to the lid too

god jungkook really can't wait to make it up to you

sheesh that was one of THEE longest lectures you've ever felt you had

it was actually the same amount of time it's always been but maybe you've been out of practice from just staying at your dorm for days

tae's great company but he could be a little bit chatty!!! you just nod when you feel his voice go up and he apparently gets excited by that easily

.... he apparently also has a small bladder and he told you that within the whole hour of class

"hold on. i gotta pee before next period. go without me!!!' taehyung hurriedly slings his backpack to his arm, looking ridiculous in a rush

tae's sometimes unintentionally funny because you don't even share next period anyways

you're on your way to the exit when a shiny scarf catches the corner of your eye, having to squint at it because wow does it look pretty

is that-

is that your nAME???

you pick it up before you could even rationalize it, realizing then what it was wrapping when you feel the warmth on your hands

:")

"sorry i forgot my headband!!!"

taehyung stumbles back into the room, catching his breath to run back to his seat and fetch the headband he took from his hair to play with awhile ago

he looks shocked to see what's on your hands, flicking his gaze between you and the item but he doesn't think much of it

wOW that's a really shiny scarf!!!

"tae?"

"hmm yeah? what's up?"

he's about to jog back to the comfort room because he hasn't really relieved himself yet, not bearing to leave his headband in the room when anyone could snatch it up

you raise your lunchbox, a thankful gaze on your eyes that looks so close to crying which is why tae's mORE than lost now

"thanks for the lunch."

..

.....

jungkook could only helplessly watch.

[m0e-ru]

why did you give izanami nullity? is that even an actual arcana?

oh shit I never explained this at all here ever have i 🤯

short answer: no it’s not a real tarot, however it's somewhat derivative of The Fool and the reverse of The World (you get where this is going).

long answer sponsored by moel oil gas corp

It was all the way back when I started thinking of this au making it the first few things I ever thought about in the lens of gameplay and lore wise. I figured I’d follow how they implemented Adachi’s SL and mimic that-ish.

In the way that Social Links and Arcana are affected by the Velvet Room’s guest’s perception of their bond, the nature of the relationship itself etc etc. It’s what gives them strength and in P4’s context, helps bancho find the truth.

By definition “nullity” could mean “nothingness” “insignificance” “nonentity” “a thing of no importance or worth” where I just hoped it would be the opposite to “anybody” or “everything”

that being said if this social link was ever implemented into the game players would fucking hate it for how stupid volatile it is <- thought about gameplay

while it’s incredibly easy to garner points since whatever the fuck you say to their face wouldn’t really matter, the schedule is so intertwined with the story itself if you missed the dates to rank up one rank the whole social link would just be gone from your SL menu and it would’ve been like there was never an attendant to begin with

you keep the attendant part time job just . without the attendant. they even stop showing up when it rains they’re just fucking out of there they’re done with you

not only is there a strict schedule but also dumb prerequisites to each rank like initiating Justice or getting Jester to rank 3 not only do you have to worry about the day but if you’ve gotten those ready or not <- dumbass hypothetical game mechanics <- is the one that thought of the game mechanics

BUT if you do it all right and get it to rank 9 you’re technically fine and Yomotsu-Hirasaka becomes Yomotsu-Hirafuckedup and is worse than the Hollow Forest itself gamefaqs worst jrpg dungeon of the decade. If you choose the right dialogue options maybe you’ll a good bad ending where someone theoretically dies but it continues like the game’s True ending or maybe you get Nullity to rank 10 and it becomes the Universe and you get a special key to unlock episode izanami on persona four arena ultimax for free and the whole story completely diverges from there

moving the hypothetical gameplay aside, i make mim go through their own’s fool’s journey if you know a thing or two about the actual tarot. that makes three clowns and a judge at the gas station it’s a circus at that point (gave Namatame Adjustment tarot, Thoth equivalent of Justice)

while i also understand the weight of the World and Universe arcana in the Persona-verse itself i like to mess around and give mim the universe hehe (i am pulled off stage probably) i think it’d be cool to see another fool complete their journey and receive the world

i probably mentioned this 10000 times or never times on this gas station i don’t know but my plans for mim at least is that. well. they’re quite literally nothing

sure they’re a god sure they have a duty they have a face they have a name they have the power to manipulate the manifested world of a collective unconscious—but it’s anyone else’s bond with the attendant, it's the gas station attendant social link. nothing more than a role they play to put their plan into action. like acting as a manager for a bunch of amateur teenage show hosts or puppeteering Teddie’s poor Shadow or governing an entire reality

something meant to be disposable and forgettable—something empty. like a weirdly crocheted pouch you think you wouldn’t use and probably end up unraveling to reuse the yarn but you used it so much, put things in it, decorated it even, that there’s sentimental value to it now and you can just toss it out or unravel it anymore <- has been crocheting

that’s no longer nothingness that’s no longer nullity there’s essence and something and ego that yes maybe this bond will change dramatically from both parties’ view

[nekropsii]

Reminiscing on some old fandom stuff. No clue if this is still an active problem, and I don’t necessarily care, because I want to talk about it regardless.

It was always strange watching some people call DirkJake/SkullCap/whatever you want to call it severely abusive, or saying that either party in the relationship was the worst.

The finger-pointing and name-calling really just missed the point of how and why their dynamic was like that. Neither Dirk nor Jake are abusive, toxic, conniving demons who fully recognize “what they’re doing” is hurting the other- they are mentally ill/disabled 16-year-old boys who have been severely isolated from human contact their entire lives.

One has to recognize that on top of their age and level of isolation, Dirk is incredibly, incredibly mentally ill and Jake has untreated brain damage that just keeps compounding ACTIVELY in the story. We see Jake get pretty bad head injuries regularly! It’s a genuine issue!

The reason their relationship fell apart was not because they’re ultimately purposefully toxic figures, either on their own or to each other, it’s because they lacked the ability to communicate properly. They fell apart because of a breakdown in communication, not because they actively hated each other. It’s not that they REFUSED to communicate properly, they LACKED the ability to do so.

Dirk’s complete isolation from human contact his entire life, coupled with his mental illness, meant that he struggled with communication. Jake’s isolation from human contact, coupled with his legitimate brain damage, meant that he struggled with communication. Neither of them are totally, completely at fault for this, because they are literally just flawed 16 year olds with no romantic experience, and honestly, all things considered? They could be a LOT worse. They COULD have been actively abusive to each other- taking into consideration their living situations and how it could have affected them- And it would have even made sense if they were- but they weren’t. Maybe their version of “trying their best” isn’t relatable to everyone. Maybe the thought of what Dirk and Jake’s version of “trying their best” is makes one cringe at the thought of it applying to them. But here’s the thing- it’s not exactly supposed to be completely relatable, nor is it intended as being the pinnacle of relationships. Dirk and Jake’s relationship isn’t a how-to guide, it’s just a display of how their relationship functioned.

Jake’s perceived “Hopelessness” is derived from his impaired cognitive functions and his inability to communicate properly. That’s more than likely caused by his brain damage. Dirk’s self-perceived “Heartlessness” is derived from his own seeming inability to properly communicate with people, as well as his supposed potential for “evil.” That’s most definitely caused by his mental illness. Are these attributes- Jake’s “Hopelessness” and Dirk’s “Heartlessness”- also connected to their classpects, Page of Hope and Prince of Heart respectively? Abso-fucking-lutely. But we aren’t here to talk about that today.

Holding Dirk and Jake up to the exact same standard one would two perfectly functioning, experienced adults is weird and disingenuous, and completely brushes aside that these are two inexperienced, unaware children who are struggling to make things work on a fundamental level.

It’s ok to struggle and fail in a relationship. It’s a regular occurrence that’s happened to a lot of people, for one reason or the other. Not everything works out, especially on the first try, and that’s ok. Dirk and Jake’s relationship was the result of one of the most common reasons a relationship fails. Neither of them are horrible people for it, just flawed. And that’s ok. They just need to grow, is all.

[mushroom-gt]

contact

(head empty gay thoughts. i have a dire need for fluffy wlw gt content so here’s 2Kish words of mushroom lesbian. this is definitely going to have a part 2 at some point but i wanted to get this out bc i have a lot of feelings about these two.)

-

Amari had never understood the appeal of physical touch.

The fey of the Court of Blights were not a tactile people. Even when gathered upon a fresh corpse, her siblings and elders kept one another at arm’s length, and she had always done the same. Those who dared to brush against their betters were at best rebuked and exiled, and at worst became part of the meal. She kept her hyphae to herself, everyone else did likewise, and that was that.

The world beyond the woods, she discovered, had no such aversion to touch. The humans of the graveyard would cling to each other, drape their arms over others’ shoulders, clutch their young close to their chests. Some would fall into ugly bouts of emotion and need to be carried away by others. Once, she had observed the ritual during which a deceased human was placed below the earth, and although the corpse had been concealed within a wooden box, one especially weepy human still placed a hand upon its lid, as though they were desperate to touch the body inside one final time. It was all very confusing.

She would be lying if she said her curiosity had not initially been piqued, but she quickly found that she had not been missing much. Aside from being difficult to reach inside their sealed boxes, humans were cold, clammy, stiff, and more than anything, they were boring. A fine source of nutrients, certainly, and not necessarily unpleasant, but neither were they anything special. The soil she grew through was more texturally interesting. After her third or fourth disappointment, she was forced to concede that whatever the reason for the human obsession with touch, it was most likely beyond her.

When she met her gravedigger, old habits returned. The very first thing the human had tried to do was touch her, to confirm that she was not “seeing things.” Amari gave her no such permission, and while in hindsight threatening to rot her to the bone if she tried was perhaps excessive, it succeeded in dissuading her. The whole ordeal had quickly been forgotten in the ensuing chat; the gravedigger was wary of her, as she should have been, but she made a decent conversationalist. Enough so to keep Amari coming back.

Yet that desire for proximity lingered in the human, and every so often it would bubble back up. She would place her hand just a bit too near, and Amari would gently step back from it. She would reach for her as if to pick her up, then think better of it. She was never persistent about it, nor did it seem she was intentionally breaching her boundaries; she was remarkably receptive to Amari’s unspoken cues to stop, and she would always apologize for the transgression. It appeared to be subconscious, a quirk of her humanity, even if she couldn’t fathom what hidden satisfaction she would derive from contact with a non-human a twentieth of her size.

Regardless, those all-too-human impulses came and went, politely yet firmly rejected each time, and Amari was, for the most part, able to put them out of her mind. She liked the gravedigger plenty, she was cleverer than the average human and had a good sense of humour to boot, and so she could forgive the occasional slip.

At least, until one night, when the human was given a particularly egregious shift. A typical night had her digging out a single grave. That night, it was three. Never mind that some were already partially complete; her gravedigger would still be working from the early evening until well after sunrise. And to make matters worse, none of the three sites were close to one another, meaning Amari would need to be transported between them.

This was not the first time the human had had more than one grave to dig. Under normal circumstances, the arrangement they had settled on saw her conveying Amari from one site to the next upon her spade. But by the time the second grave was finished, it was clear that the labour had taken its toll on her; she was breathing harder and moving slower than usual, and still her work was not done. She was weary, exhausted, and yet when she clambered out of the grave and dabbed the sweat and dirt from her skin, she held out the blade of her shovel to her, silently beckoning her aboard, as though nothing was wrong, as though her arms were not ever-so-slightly trembling from strain.

And so it was that Amari, for reasons she could not wholly articulate, swallowed her pride, and asked to be carried.

It caught her gravedigger off-guard. She insisted that she was okay, that Amari weighed less than nothing, but she knew a half-truth when she heard one and stood her ground. Thankfully, it did not take much more to convince her—fatigue was a persuasive mistress—and soon the human’s palm was laid flat before her, waiting for her to step on.

Some arrogant, willful part of her still bristled at the notion of allowing herself to be so vulnerable, literally putting her life in the hands of another. But, she reminded herself, this was temporary, an exception and not the rule, for the gravedigger’s sake. She knew what she was getting into. No surprises. She expected a shakier ride than normal, a bit of vertigo from the altitude, and for the affair to be over quickly, never to be repeated again.

She did not expect the human’s hand to be so warm.

The shock of it should have made her pull away. None of the corpses she had fed upon had been warm; she had no idea what it meant that the gravedigger was. And yet in defiance of her self-preservation instincts she found herself stepping closer, drawn like an ill-fated moth towards the light of a flame, until she was nestled securely within the human’s palm.

Sitting with her legs crossed, she could properly take in the strangeness of it all. The skin beneath her was soft, much softer than she had anticipated, yet there were patches of it that were toughened, and she could trace every one of its ridges and creases. She could feel the blood travelling through the human’s veins, circulating around and back, a constant stream of motion. And oh, the warmth. Comfortable, inviting, so unlike the chilly, damp earth she was used to. It surrounded her, wreathed her, almost overwhelmingly so, and she felt as though she could simply melt away into nothing… 

-

“… Am? Amari?”

“Mmh?” She blinks out of her stupor, suddenly aware of the gravedigger’s voice above her. She tilts her head to see the human’s brow furrowed and face creased with worry, eyes locked squarely onto her.

“I said, are you okay? You looked kind of out of it—do you want me to put you down? It’s fine if you’ve changed your mind—”

“No!” she says, too quickly. Damn her. The gravedigger’s brow quirks, and she composes herself. “No, I am quite alright. The concern is appreciated, but unnecessary.”

She gives Amari an expression that says she does not entirely believe her, but she nods regardless. “If you’re sure… I’m going to lift you up now, okay?”

“Yes, go right ahead.” Amari sinks back into the warmth and watches as digits nearly as tall as she is curl to cup her protectively, before everything shifts and she moves up, and up, and up…

-

She was granted an entirely different perspective as she reluctantly stepped off of the human’s palm and onto her shoulder. The height was dizzying—everything was so distant, so small. She couldn’t even make out the individual blades of grass below, all of them instead melding into a shifting carpet. It might have made her afraid, were it not for her position just beside her gravedigger’s neck. That lovely warmth evidently permeated her entire body, not merely her hand, for it followed Amari as she seated herself, and in that blanket of heat she found she could not feel anything but content.

And though the ground was far below her, she was so close to her dear human, and again minute details revealed themselves to her. She could feel gentle movements as she breathed in and out, in and out, with the slightest rise and fall of her shoulders in sync. The strands of hair that escaped from under her knit hat held straight even in the faint midnight breeze. What she had assumed to be bumps or discolourations on the lobes of the human’s ears, upon closer inspection, were made of metal, shiny and pristine and quite beautiful, and she found herself wishing for different lighting so she might have better appreciated them. 

She had not even noticed that she was leaning into the gravedigger’s neck, putting as much of herself in contact with it as she could, until the human asked if she was secure and ready to leave. Luckily she had the excuse that she was simply interweaving some of her mycelia with the threads of her clothing so as not to fall, which was not technically a lie, insofar as she had begun doing so when she said as much. She could feel her cap flushing dark with embarrassment, and could only hope her positioning would hide it from her gravedigger.

The walk to the final grave of the night was not nearly as bumpy as she had feared. Although she could feel each one of the human’s steps reverberating up through her body, her movements were smooth and cautious, and Amari got the distinct sense that she was deliberately slowing her gait to keep her steady, trying to disturb her passenger as little as possible. She always carried herself with a grace disproportionate to her scale, this Amari knew, but to see it up close—to know that natural grace was being put to use for her sake—was something else entirely, and it sparked an unfamiliar feeling in her chest.

Alas, though the gravedigger’s walk was slowed, it was not slowed nearly as much as she would have liked, and in what felt like no time at all they arrived at the last digging site. When the human raised her open palm to carry her down, she only barely managed to bite her tongue and avoid asking to stay atop her shoulder. It would have been horrendously impractical for both parties, no doubt, and yet the temptation was undeniably there, much louder than it ought to have been. And, as she stepped down onto the soil once more and planted her roots, she could not help but notice that the earth seemed… colder than usual.

But she said nothing. The human had work to do. She would observe. Their brief contact here was a fluke; soon, they would return to the status quo, close but not too close, and that was how it would stay.

Wasn’t it?

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Eviction is over (if we want it)

Now that the illegitimate, undemocratic Supremes have voided the CDC eviction ban, and now that the cowardly Dems who control House, Senate and Oval Office have declined to pass an eviction ban bill, millions of Americans teeter on the brink of homelessness.

As we look at this looming crisis, which will increase the spread of covid, kill more Americans, and put a generations-long stamp of trauma on the people who lose their homes, we’re asked to side with either renters or landlords.

But that’s a false dichotomy. Americans owe $12–14b to their landlords, and Congress has authorized $46.5b in rental assistance that could make all of those landlords whole several times over. But the states have only distributed 11% of the money!

https://pluralistic.net/2021/08/04/eighty-sixed/#helicopter-not-foundhttps://pluralistic.net/2021/08/04/eighty-sixed/#helicopter-not-found

Why are the states having so much trouble handing out money? Bureaucracy. You know, the thing whose supposed absence was cited as the source of America’s moral and economic superiority to the USSR.

What’s the source of this bureaucracy? Means-testing. The endless red-tape, so beloved of conservatives, that is meant to ensure that the “undeserving poor” don’t get any of the money earmarked for “hardworking poor people.”

(The irony, of course, is that conservatives are completely unconcerned with trillions in no-bid contracts for the beltway bandits who were supposed to be nation-building in Afghanistan)

https://defensesystems.com/articles/2021/08/19/afghanistan-sigar-contracts-pullout.aspx

(Nor do they care about Trump’s billions for crooks who were supposed to supply PPE at the start of the lockdown, but simply placed orders from China, got in line, and marked up the shipments to Uncle Sucker)

https://pluralistic.net/2020/07/12/postal-petard/#prolongz

When it comes to delivering aid to the wealthy, conservatives hate red-tape. When it comes to preventing working people from starving or becoming homeless, conservatives put on a paperwork parade that outshine the pettiest Soviet commissar.

This contradiction arises from a cornerstone of conservative ideology — the idea of “learned helplessness.” Learned helplessness is a real thing that psychologists can induce in lab animals, discouraging them to the point of fatal listlessness.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_helplessness

But that’s not what conservatives mean by learned helplessness. For them, learned helplessness is the evidence-free conviction that if you give a person a “handout,” they will lose interest in “hard work.”

Think of all the fast-food “entrepreneurs” whose signage proclaims “no one wants to work anymore” because of “government handouts,” conspicuously failing to mention sub-starvation wages, irregular shifts, and abusive working conditions.

In conservativism, wealth is providential. Markets reward virtue, so the wealthy are inherently virtuous. They know the value of “hard work” and aren’t at risk of “learned helplessness” so they can get “bailouts” (not “handouts”) without risk of “perverse incentives.”

But conservativism contains a contradiction: because capital — by definition — earns its returns from someone else’s labor, any bailout is also a potential handout. If you save a locked down “heroic small business” with payroll support, you also “pay workers to stay home.”

And if you bail out landlords by making up their tenants’ missed rental payments, you also let the tenants “live for free” (ignoring for the moment that landlords whose mortgages and living expenses derive from tenant payments are literally “living for free”).

So here we are, about to endure a gaping, generations-long self-inflicted wound. We’re about to cost millions of renters their homes and potentially put their landlords in default because evicting a tenant doesn’t get you a nickel in back-rent.

You couldn’t ask for a neater demonstration of the extent to which “conservative business acumen” is a LARP — a set of culture-war performances rather than any kind of meaningful attention to profit and loss.

Because saving millions of your fellow Americans from destitution and homelessness isn’t merely the right (and, you know, Christian) thing to do — it’s also the smart business move. Homelessness is infinitely more expensive than rental assistance.

State conservatives are refusing to hand out $41.3b in order to create a decades-long cycle of public liabilities that will easily cost a hundred times that amount, and they’re not just hurting poor people — they’re euthanizing a whole shit-ton of rentiers!

As David Dayen writes in The American Prospect, it’s the kind of thing you’d expect from a party with “two primary core talents: selling quack supplements and lowering taxes.”

https://prospect.org/infrastructure/housing/americas-acute-governance-problem/

After all, if you campaign on eliminating government due to its incompetence, then governing incompetently is a feature, not a bug. But for the nation (and the world) which needs its government to manage climate, pandemic, etc, this is a serious bug.

Meanwhile, Dayen has a great suggestion for how to dispense with all the red tape and save landlords and tenants.

Just station a federal official with a “big bag of money” in every eviction court. Every time a judge hears evidence that a tenant is behind in the rent, the official makes them whole out of the big bag of money, and the eviction is cancelled.

This is literally the worst way of doing it, a monumental waste of court resources and an inhumane way to treat tenants (and landlords, too). The only thing worse would be to allow that wave of looming evictions to wash millions of our neighbors onto the streets.

Oh, and note the Repubs aren’t the only ones who have a problem with learned helplessness. The Dems have the House, Senate and Oval Office and they can’t even pass the For the People Act, which will force all those red states to stop thumbing the scales for GOP candidates.

Because the Dems can’t figure out how to whip Joe Manchin and Krysten Sinema, they can’t nuke the filibuster and pass a wildly popular law that will stop the GOP from rigging every election to come with voter suppression and gerrymandering.

When the party with the triple-lock on power watches as Texas passes a law that disenfranchises Black and brown people as well as people in major cities, guaranteeing the midterms, the 2024 Congress and eternal rule, what is it but learned helplessness?

Image: Emojione (modified) https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Emojione_BW_1F4B0.svg

CC BY-SA 4.0: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/deed.en

Pbjamesphoto (modified) https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Inyo_County_Courthouse,_California_by_dusk.jpg

CC BY-SA 3.0: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/deed.en

[screamingatanemptyroom]

Please Fix the Story pt 22 - Sci Fi

New part is here! Just a few more in this world. Just realized that it's been about 1 year since I've started this story. Wow.

Masterpost linked here.

Enjoy!

____________________________

The school was greatly relieved to hear that I had made a Connection and was no longer a danger to myself and others. They immediately rescinded my suspension and "encouraged" me to resume training with my new partner as soon as possible. I found the quick 180 amusing, but didn't argue.

It took multiple video calls with Alaira’s father to reassure him that everything was okay, and a few more to prevent him from throwing a parade for Liam to thank him for matching his daughter. His tears of joy at the news was a complicated moment for me.

I had felt a deep sense of joy, but it was an emotion that didn’t belong to me... it belonged to Alaira. Watching him celebrate his daughter’s recovery felt hypocritical, knowing that in the world that I hadn’t taken over, his daughter hadn’t had a good end. She had died alone and afraid, her mind fragmented.

But there was no way to tell him that.

The mission completion status on my communication device had risen quickly from 1% to 42%. Liam and I spent every waking moment together, talking, joking, and learning about each other. We practiced making the connection with the Mech, powering and controlling it now a smooth, painless process. It was natural, coming as easily to me as breathing. Working with him felt less like learning with a new partner as gaining back a missing part of me.

I was happy.

But not everyone was glad to hear we had matched.

Shortly after our match was made public, Liam and I were walking down the hallway after class, and were forced to stop by a young, angry woman blocking our path.

“It’s a lie!” Princess Ilene glared at Liam as she faced us down. “William can’t be a real Connector! He’s always been just a useless waste. He's a stain on the royal family!”

Liam seemed unfazed by his sister’s cruel words, as if he were used to it. The lack of reaction and the implications behind it made me even angrier. I stepped forward, hiding him partly behind me, and smiled pleasantly. My expression and pleasant tone obviously confused the princess, who took a step back.

“Ilene, Ilene, there’s just so much wrong with what you said… I don’t even know where to begin!” I shrugged. “ But, correcting idiocy IS my calling in life, so let me give it a shot:”

Ilene’s face was red with rage, but I ignored her incoherent sputtering, holding up a finger.

“First, Liam is capable of making the connection. He just had a strong barrier. Obviously it isn't impossible, or he and I wouldn’t be matched. “ I held up a second finger. “Secondly, and more importantly: even if he COULDN’T make the connection, he still wouldn’t be useless. He’s a kind, wonderful person, and that’s more than you can say about most Guardians or Connectors… present company included.”

“ How dare…” Princess Ilene took a step back. “What are you trying to say?”

I blinked, shocked “Oh, was I not being obvious enough? I don’t like you. I think Liam is a much better human being than you, and find it pitiful that you try to derive your self worth from putting him down.”

Liam stepped forward, grabbing my hand. “It’s ok…”

“No, its not. You don’t deserve for people to call you trash.” I felt emotional, as if something deep inside me was trying to break free.

“It’s always been like this.” He shrugged, “I’m used to being alone.”

____________________________

“Friends, family?”

The man in front of me was smiling at my question, but the expression was so sad it made me want to cry.

“None.” He twisted his hands in his lap, looking away. “I’m supposed to be alone.”

“Why?”

“Supposedly that’s my fate.”

____________________________

“You are not trash.” I tightened my grip on Liam’s hand. “ and you’re not alone anymore.”

“I know.” He smiled, “Thanks.”

Princess Ilene spoke up, obviously tired of being ignored. “How dare you trample on Chris’s kindness and reject him for this tr…” She started to say the word “trash” but seeing my face, nervously trailed off and started again. “You don’t even know if you two have a high enough resonance match to ward off your mental degradation…!”

“We do. It’s gone.”

She paused, thrown by my matter of fact tone. “… But what if you’re a higher match with Chris…”

“Don’t care. I hate him.”

“… But…”

“You do bring up a good point, though.” I turned to Liam. “We should see what our resonance match rate is.”

He looked nervous. “What if it isn’t very high?”

“Doesn’t matter. We’re already partners. I’m just curious.” I grinned. “Plus, I’m pretty sure it’s really high, and I’d love to use that to shut people up.”

He chuckled at that. “If it means that much to you to rub it into people’s faces...”

“It does.”

We walked towards the match center, leaving Princess Ilene stunned into silence behind.

____________________________

Liam got more anxious the closer we got to the match center. “You promise you won’t break our partnership if our match score is low?”

“You know I wouldn’t do that.” I didn’t feel insulted at his questioning. I could feel his insecurity, the need for me to say out loud what he thought he knew. “Low or high, we’re partners. You’re stuck with me.”

“Good.” He sighed, grinning. “I like being stuck with you.”

Finally, we were facing the machine that had failed us both so many times. Irrationally, I felt a little nervous, the many prior failures of the past few weeks too fresh and painful to completely forget.

Liam stepped away from me, reaching out and placed his hands on the panel first.

“Unrecognized tester. Please let down your mental barrier to proceed with Match testing.”

I rubbed my forehead tiredly as the robotic rejection echoed loudly around the room; “I forgot your barrier is still around since it doesn’t effect me anymore.”

“Honestly, I had forgotten too.” He responded with a happy smile.

A crowd was starting to gather, curious at our actions. As more and more people realized what we were doing, I began hearing the whispering between them.

“Didn’t she go crazy?”

“...thought she couldn’t match?”

“He has a barrier? ...never could match.”

“I heard they already formed a connection.”

“Heard her dad is a general, spread the rumor of her matching so she wouldn’t get kicked out.”

“Isn’t she matched up with Chris?”

“Why are they here?”

I grabbed Liam’s hand again, feeling relieved when I felt his warm skin against my own. “Don’t listen to them.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t.” He stared straight at me, ignoring the hostile words and gazes of the crowd. “You’re beside me, and that’s all that matters.”

I squeezed his hand in my own. A strong desire welled up within me to be worthy of the trust he gave me. I wanted to show everyone what Liam could do, the bond we had... but of course it couldn't be too easy.

“We just have to figure out how to get your barrier down enough for the machine to read you." I glanced down at my hand that was still holding his. "I mean, I’m touching you now, right? There’s no barrier between us?”

He stared down at our clasped hands, his cheeks tinged pink. “Yes, I feel you. I mean, no, there’s no barrier.”

“Good!" I gestured to the pad with my free hand. "Then why don't you try again while we're still touching each other?”

He placed his hand back on the machine.

“Please let down your mental barrier to proceed with Match testing.” The machine's voice repeated itself calmly.

His hand fell away, frustrated. I could feel his anxiety, and worried deep down that I had made a wrong choice. I did this to reassure him that we are a good match. To shut up everyone saying that it's a made up story to justify the removal of my suspension. To prove to everyone that Liam isn't useless, even by their own stupid standards.

But none of this will happen if he can't use the machine.

I thought it over, and grinned as I came up with a plan. “Hmm… Well, there’s one other thing we can try…”

I leaned in and kissed him, grabbing his free hand with my own and placing it on the pad together. His breath caught in his chest and he froze in shock very briefly before kissing back. In that moment I almost forgot why I had kissed him in the first place, but the robotic voice quickly reminded me.

“Resonance match detected…. Scanning…. Resonance Frequency Match...100%.”

The voice had barely faded before there were shouts of shock from the crowd. The room descended into chaos at the announcement. I broke away from Liam, who was still distracted, and stared at him.

“Did that machine just say… we are a 100 PERCENT match? I didn’t even think that was possible!”

Liam blinked. “I’m sorry, I dinwhat did you say?”

“We’re a perfect match, Liam.” I laughed. “I knew this was a great idea!”

Definitely didn't completely doubt the plan halfway through... yep.

“So… no one can separate us then?” His body relaxed, and he reached out, pulling me against himself and hugging me tightly. I felt the trembling of his muscles and knew that the anxiety he had shown was only the tip of the iceberg. His true fears and insecurities were still well hidden, even from me.

I hugged him back, waiting for him to back away. The crowd’s murmuring were now a loud roar, as everyone discussed a match rate that most thought impossible to achieve. And there, in the back of the crowd, I saw a solitary figure standing there, watching us with a blank stare.

Chris.

I shuddered, holding Liam tighter. The first thing I had done when Liam and I announced our match was to report to the authorities Chris holding me in his room. I suspected him of drugging me as well, remembering the prick of the needle before falling unconscious.

I was laughed at.

“Why would a student with a crystal clear reputation go out of his way to kidnap a general’s daughter? He already had a match, a better one than his resonance with you if I recall. If anyone had motive to kidnap someone, it would be you to him!”

The words were cutting, made worse by the pity on their faces.

“It’s obvious: your mind was breaking down due to the strain without a Connector, and came up with this fantastical plot of being kidnapped.”

And despite my objections, the claim was dropped. I hadn’t seen Chris since the day we parted in his room.

Until now.

His gaze held mine. He was expressionless, watching us with a detached, almost clinical air. I would have almost thought he was bored, or at least uncaring about the situation in front of him… if not for his eyes…

His eyes were burning with rage.

I looked away first feeling an odd sense of familiarity, as if something similar had happened before.

____________________________

A few days later Liam and I had our first mock battle. Suspended together in the Connection chamber within the Mech, the constant physical and mental connection with Liam made operating the Mech much easier than it ever had been alone.

I fought with a sword, having abandoned the dual guns completely. I breathed a sigh of relief at the speed I could move at as I ducked under the enemy Mech’s attack. Turning with the spin of my dodge, I used the momentum and I swung around to slash the torso of our opponent with the sword.

“Nice hit!” Liam’s voice in my headset was excited. He was cheering me on along the way, spurring me to show off with more complex moves when possible, hoping to impress him.

I pressed the attack, slamming the Mech with the shoulder of ours, and kicking it to the ground before it could recover its balance. The movements were smooth, and my head was clear of any pain. The prior drain and discomfort of controlling the giant robot was completely gone.

As our opponent fell to the ground, I pressed the tip of the sword into the Mech’s neck. The referee called out our victory, and the crowd around the arena cheered, but it was just noise to me. All that mattered was Liam’s excited babbling in my ear.

“That was awesome! I’ve always wondered what it felt like to win a Mech fight, and it’s so much cooler than I ever imagined! This is great! When can we fight again?”

“Glad you had fun, Liam.” I laughed at the innocent delight in his voice. After the stress and pain I had experienced since waking up in this world, the uncertainty of who I was and why I was here, there was something simple and healing about being by Liam’s side.

I feel happy.

I was nervous about admitting it, even to myself, as if the simple acknowledgement of the positive emotion would be enough to destroy it. But I couldn’t deny it. I WAS happy.

After we had undocked and changed, Liam and I relaxed in the fighter’s lounge. Liam as always, had a container that he pulled out of a bag, opening it to reveal a slice of cake. I took it from him with a murmur of thanks, and after the first bite sighed with joy.

“I've been meaning to ask you: Where do you get this cake? It's obviously not from the school shop, it’s way too good!”

Liam smiled at the question. “I made it myself.” Usually more quiet and shy, he seemed very confident when it came to matters such as food. The change in his attitude was something I loved to see.

“Really? You made it? This is too delicious… if only I could have this all the time.” I took another bite, savoring it. As I swallowed, I looked up at him and joked. "Yep, I think the only solution would be for me to just marry you.”

“…” There was a strange silence in the room. I ate some more cake, unconcerned at first, but as the awkward stillness stretched on I paused in my actions, turning towards Liam again with a questioning look.

His face was bright red, and he stared at me with a look of shock and joy.

“Liam?”

He nodded, and blushing more, pulled out his communication device, dialing a number.

“Who are you calling…?”

Alaira’s father, General Gladus showed up on the holographic projection from his device. He stared at Liam, confused for a moment, before barking out with a frown. “Who is this?”

Liam sat up straight, staring at the man with a solemn expression. “General Gladus, my name is William. I am the third born of the Royal family, and a first year student at the academy, and a Level S Connector.”

General Gladus grinned. “I know who you are, son. You’re the wonderful young man who matched with my daughter. I’ve been wanting to talk with you and thank you…”

“Your daughter has asked me to marry her and I have agreed.”

“What?”

“What?”

My father and I asked in unison.

“I was very happy to receive your daughter’s offer of marriage. I will do my very best to support her in all her endeavors.”

“She proposed?”

I silently mouthed an echoing question as my father burst out loudly. “I proposed?”

Liam nodded. “I wanted to let you know so that you could arrange for military leave and be present for our wedding. I know the paperwork can take weeks to months. ”

“…” General Gladus looked stunned. Slowly, his hologram turned towed me. “Alaira, is this true?”

"Yeah, military leave paperwork is notoriously slow..."

He interrupted. "No I mean about the engagement!"

I glanced over at Liam’s excited face.

____________________________

“I don’t believe it’s real.” He whispered, staring down at our hands that were clasped together. “I thought that I was always going to be alone. I thought my fate… my role… ”

I fiddled with the silver band in my hand, trying it on his finger. “Screw fate. We’re getting married now.”

“Yeah.” He grinned, the smile lighting up his face, making the whole room brighter. “Screw fate. I’m your husband!”

____________________________

I shrugged. “What can I say? We’re a destined couple.” I briefly explained about our 100% resonance match.

“… Did you say 100% match?” At my nod, General Gladus opened up his arms. “Welcome to family! When's the wedding?”

After a few more minutes of discussion, Liam hung up, still looking happy.

“Should we notify your parents?”

His face froze. When his gaze finally rose to met mine I shrunk back from the dull look I saw there.

“No reason to.” He reached out, tucking back my hair. “A family without love is just blood related acquaintances. You’re my real family, wife.”

I hugged him again. “That’s right. I’m your family.” I hadn’t really meant to propose… it was just a joke. But the second he called me wife, my heart had felt a sense of recognition. It was happy, but also hurt, a deep remembered pain. A panicked feeling rose up within me, as fear, despair and sadness came in waves, before leaving quickly, overwhelming me without warning or reason. I desperately wanted to remember something, to tear open the fog clouding my brain and peer at what was hidden behind it. But I couldn't.

You must accept your fate. A metallic voice rang in my head, cold, dispassionate, filled with undeniable.

“No.” I whispered, tears filling my eyes even if I wasn’t sure why they were there.

Liam noticed my distress. “Alaira?”

“I'm fine." I think we should go back to practice.” I pulled him to his feet. “We’ll talk more about this later.”

“You’re right, let’s continue working hard so we can save the world like you wanted. But on our next break, we have a wedding to plan!” For the first time, Liam was more excited than me to get to practice. He grabbed my hand and raced forward.

____________________________

Later that night, I went back to my dorm room, still thinking over my last conversation with Liam. He was energetically talking about wedding plans, making lists and drawings with the hologram on his communicator, storing them in special file with my name on it.

When I asked him why he was so excited, he paused, staring down at his hands. “Have you ever felt a desire that was so strong, it seemed to be beyond anything you’ve experienced before?” He glanced up. “I feel this, Alaira. Deep in my soul. I want to be by your side. I want to marry you, but even if you didn’t want that, I’d be your minion or your sidekick. Being by you… helping you… it’s such an integral part of myself, I couldn’t separate from it if I tried.”

“Liam…”

“I think I believe in reincarnation and soul mates.” He smiled. “I’m so happy right now that I think this has to be a hallucination, it can’t be real.”

“I don’t believe it’s real.” I felt the memory of the young man’s whisper in my head again, and pushing it back, I leaned forward to kiss Liam gently.

“It’s real.”

Now alone in my room, I couldn’t help but feel bewildered by the connection with Liam, the emotions and memories that accompanied every moment with him.

“Who am I?” I leaned against the wall and whispered to myself.

“That is the question isn’t it?”

At the unexpected answer I straightened up, falling into a defensive stance. Recognizing the intruder did not make relax, however. If anything it made me more tense.

“Chris. What are you doing here?” I kept my voice calm, trying to hide my inner tension.

“I’m getting tired, Bel.” He sat down on my bed and leaned back, staring up at the ceiling. “I’m just… so tired of all this.”

“What did you call me?” The name resonated with me, much more than “Alaira” ever had.

He ignored me. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this. You were supposed to give up right away. It promised me…”

The room fell into silence. I stood as still as a statue, barely daring to breathe. I was desperate to hear more, terrified to let him continue speaking. Chris’s voice was different, his tone filled with years of regret. His eyes when they stared at me, seemed to look right through me, as if seeing through my skin to something deeper and more profound.

“Why can’t you just accept your fate, Bel?” He sighed, the sound seeming to drag on too long. “Everything depends on it.”

“What do you…?”

“The lower realms you treasure… the friends you’ve made… even…” He hesitated. “Even his existence depends on everyone having their role and playing their part.”

“I don’t understand what you mean, Chris.”

“MY NAME ISN’T CHRIS!” He yelled, the sound startling in the otherwise silent room. “Just like yours isn’t Alaira. Just like his… it wasn’t supposed to be…”

“Liam?”

”THAT WASN’T SUPPOSED TO BE HIS NAME!” Chris, or whoever he was, stood up, his face red with rage. “He corrupted it! He refused his role, and ended up tricking you to do the same.” He stepped closer. “Why do you always force me to be the one who has to carry the weight of the realms on my shoulders? Why does he get to be the only one who is happy? I don’t want to play these games anymore, Bel.”

“I’m not playing games!” I shouted back, frustrated. “I don’t remember anything!”

“And you won’t. Not until it’s over. But it will be soon. Because I’m going to end it.” He walked towards the door, preparing to leave, only stopping when I grabbed his arm.

“No. You aren’t leaving until you explain what you meant.”

His eyes lit up briefly at our contact, and I pulled my hand away quickly. “You made a bet, Bel, and these are rules you can’t escape. All it takes is one failed mission. One failure before you can finish the task of piecing together your soul.”

“Piecing together…?” His words struck a chord within me, but I shook my head. “I may not understand anything going on, but I’ll tell you this: I won’t fail my mission.”

The light is his eyes dimmed. “You started this. Just remember that, when you regret everything. You. Started. This.”

He left through room, slamming the door behind him. I stood in place, staring blankly, my mind racing.

Realms, real names, missions and bets… I don’t understand any of it.

But I knew one thing, as certainly as if it were imprinted on my soul.

I would not accept my fate.

Even if I couldn’t remember what that fate was.

Even if I had to destroy fate itself to escape it.

[flickeringart]

Further exploration...

I used this chart when going over the implications of the inner planetary placements (Sun, Moon, Mercury, Venus and Mars) and their aspects. You can find the post here.

I thought I’d move spontaneously with my own train of thought as it applies to this chart in order to explore it a bit more.

This person is pleasant but private. She’s definitely guarded, as would be expected with Pluto in the 1st, not in a way Saturnian way of being walled off, but in an observant and quiet way of attempting to assess the situation. She would appear to be tolerant and open minded, albeit careful with how she expresses herself, what she reveals and how other people respond (Pluto square Venus). There’s definite optimism but with reserve and caution. Her chart ruler, Jupiter, is in the 8th house of the subconscious and intimate relationships. It would seem as if she’s in for some fated discoveries and adventures, a search for meaning through the depths of the human psyche. It would be safe to assume that wisdom is to be derived from confrontations with the unknown and deeper dimensions of the human existence. In a sense, both the Pluto in the 1st  in Sagittarius and Jupiter in Virgo in the 8th points to a brave explorer that is destined to benefit from getting familiar with the best and the worst of human nature. Her confidence and expansion won’t come through anything superficial, bravery is required to remain curious when faced with the intensity of life. As it happens, Jupiter squares Pluto, which not only indicates a link between the principals of unconscious forces and expansion, but a tense link at that. The survival complex might drive her to jump at every opportunity to be more, learn more and see more of what is hidden from view. “What if I don’t become everything I could be?” is the paranoia of this kind of dynamic. This aspect stimulates action, a pressing need to uncover the truth, to soar higher through diving deeper. There might be great fear fueling the drive to make things happen, causing overextension and inflation. A Sagittarius Ascendant always meets life with boldness and optimism for better or for worse. One can’t miss an opportunity to see what lies beyond the horizon, or in this case, beyond the surface layers of reality!

The Sun, representative of the center of the personality, is inconjunct Jupiter and sextile Pluto, which further confirm the theme of expansion and inner subconscious forces in this person’s life. Sun sextile Pluto implies that there are resources of strength that can be used if necessary. She is probably aware of the power she can wield in terms of resilience, focus and dedication. There’s perseverance and stamina to the personality, without it being compulsive. Sun inconjunct Jupiter is a more ambivalent dynamic. Sometimes, the optimism and general faith seem to be present, at other times she might feel the need to reconsider her perspective and ideas in order to get back on track. Nuance should be considered before setting out on quests and careful deliberation is called for. This is especially true since Jupiter is in Virgo, the analytical earth sign. Modesty, moderation and detailed organization are likely to be skills that bring rewards. It’s not wise to overdo anything and to blindly go for things though– in the case of the inconjunct aspect, things could work out sometimes and sometimes not, which is why discernment is called for. The Sun is in Aquarius, which means that this person is civil and respectful in her personality but also very attached to her own intellectual autonomy and freedom. Aquarians are always friendly and interested in others but never at the expense of their own vision. Aquarius is a fixed sign and won’t except that other people have a sounder mind than they have. Beyond a certain point there’s no room for compromise or deliberation – they like to keep their personal universe intact – even if it’s completely different from everyone else’s. In order for the personality to work well with the abundance of Jupiter in Virgo, she should attempt to be a little more flexible and open to questioning her own fixed mental stance on certain topics. It’s possible to remain in integrity while adjusting certain perceptions and reap the rewards that exploration brings.

Continuing on with the Sun, it forms a conjunction with Neptune, which means that the personality goes hand in hand with the archetypal redeemer, sacrificial victim and artist. There’s softness to this person, passivity and an air of otherworldliness perhaps. In more negative terms, the person might have a personality that exhibits the “holier than thou” attitude. This person can be whatever she likes to be because the identity is not very defined. Yet, she definitely lives in the real world and is keen on materializing the dream, to find herself through her capacity to be potent in the real world (Sun in the 2nd house). The famous painter Frida Kahlo had Sun conjunct Neptune, albeit in Cancer in the 11th house, which indicates a more sensitive and feeling based personality that expressed though art – in the sphere of the collective matters, ideas and change. In the case of this person and this chart, there’s also awareness and emphasis on collective movement and how it affects identity, seeing as the conjunction sits in Aquarius. Self-actualization and individual purpose won’t be found in the sphere of the collective however, it will be found through developing personal control and potency in the real world of material possessions. It’s likely that the person is unaware that the sense of self is tied up with the Neptunian ideal of redemption – conjunct planets usually let us assume that everyone else is the same way – perfectly imperfect, abstract and fluid. Neptune is not very comfortable in the 2nd, being a transcendent principle in a primordial sphere of life. There’s a big risk that when money or possessions are lost that the identity follows down the drain – and painful disillusionment and disappointment instills. Uranus, the Sun ruler, is in Pisces, with further confirms the theme of universal love and collective identity tied to potency in the physical world.

As far as career and work goes, there are a couple of pieces that conspire to make up a certain picture. The ruler of the 10th house of career is Libra, although containing a good bit of Scorpio as well. Venus, the ruler of Libra is in Pisces in the 3rd house of communication, Neptune, the ruler of Pisces conjuncts the Sun in the 2nd. The ruler of the 6th house of work and employment is Gemini, with the ruler Mercury in Capricorn in the 2nd house. Without following the trail any further it’s obvious that there’s a theme of aestheticism and refinement (Libra and Venus) tied up with the redemptive artistic dream (Neptune and Pisces). There’s also interaction, communication and intellectual creativity (Gemini) tied up with material assets (Mercury in the 2nd). Not to mention, Mercury sextiles Venus - a definite indicator of someone who has great writing and communicative skills. There’s a big chance that anything from artistry, writing, sharing, interacting and helping people could be in the cards for this person. As noted, Libra might be the ruler of the 10th but Scorpio also has a presence in the sphere of career matters. In fact, Venus, the ruler of Libra squares Pluto, the ruler of Scorpio. The Venus principle of beauty, love and sophistication makes a tense connection to Pluto, the primitive force, destroyer and transformer. This person might go through power struggles in love and relationships, attempting to control how one is perceived, using subtle dominance tactics to enforce a certain impression. Sociability and charm characterizes the public image as well as privacy, secrecy and guardedness.

Let’s look at relationships, needs and emotions a little bit closer. There are a few things worth exploring, Venus (the sense of beauty and harmony), the 7th house of other people and partnerships, the 8th house of intimacy, death and transformation and the Moon (emotional and physical needs). Since Venus has been touched upon already, let’s look to the 7th house. Gemini is the ruler but Cancer takes up a lot of space as well. The person would seek mental stimulation and interaction through other people, learning and exchange of information. The 7th house is the sphere of life in which the person has to adjust, seek equilibrium and cooperation through the signs occupying the house. Gemini is good at seeing both sides, adapting and playing parts for the fun of it. Cancer is good at sensing the atmosphere and avoiding direct confrontation in order to create safety. The person might encounter struggle and work when tapping into the emotional requirements of being in a relationship, seeing as Saturn is placed here. It would take deliberate striving and concentration in order to achieve some kind of emotional well-being. Since planets in the 7th are easily projected, the person might think other people are walled off, rigid and defensive of vulnerability when in fact it’s a reflection of oneself. The person might have difficulty relating to others on an emotional – physical level, admitting to her instinctual needs and allowing herself to be nurtured and cared for. The Moon, the ruler of Cancer is in Leo in the 8th, quite hidden and brooding underneath the conscious surface. A Leo Moon wants to shine, to be seen and appreciated, but in this case, it lives this out in secret, behind closed doors and through intimate bonds. It’s a powerful Moon, trining both Mars (the personal aggressive drive) and Pluto (the inner emotional forces). Emotionally, this person would be quite demanding, insisting on getting her way. Interestingly, the Moon is also part of a yod figuration, being at the mercy of Venus and Mercury trying to modify and adjust the emotional nature through reason and values. The person might be prone to rationalize and idealize emotion, or try to adjust emotional needs to fit intellectual preferences. There’s a slight polarization of the rational mind - personal preferences and emotional needs. Needless to say this could prove somewhat challenging in relationships. In addition to these aspects, the Moon finds itself in opposition to the Sun (personal identity and purpose) and Uranus (mental convictions and progressive outlooks). In other words the feminine mother archetype is pitted against the masculine father archetype in her life.

The opposition of the Moon and the Sun is usually and indicator that there’s a tendency to disown either one’s instinctual-emotional side or the purposeful conscious direction of one’s life. Some would say that the personal father probably couldn’t relate to the personal mother and vice versa, that they lived complementary lives rather than living a shared experience. The fiery, passionate Moon certainly collides with the more intellectual-rational and “spiritual” Sun conjunct Neptune in Aquarius along with Uranus and Venus in Pisces as well as Mercury in Capricorn. People who have their Moon in opposition to the Sun will seem to have contradictory forces going on, with a Libra-Aries opposition for example, there’s a sociable sympathetic airy personality that fronts in a certain circumstance, and at another time and place that very someone is reckless and impulsive, acting completely “out of character”. A swing of the pendulum has occurred and the Aries Moon has come out, fierce and uncompromising as a striking contrast to the diplomatic and smooth Libra Sun. In the case of this person the dynamic would be similar, the Aquarius Sun would be aloof and quite determined and fixed in conceptual freedom, tolerant, intellectual and open-minded. The contrasting Leo Moon would be bursting with creative energy, wanting to be admired and noticed for its talents and expression. The objective quirk in contrast to the inspired creative can’t exist in the same space and must take turns showing up in life. Because Aquarius and Leo are opposite signs, there’s always going to be ambivalence and insecurity present, the person doesn’t quite know how to integrate the two principals, which is understandable.

It’s likely that the person felt torn between the mother and the father growing up, having to alternate between the two.

Let’s take a closer look at father signifiers in the chart. Let’s look at the 4th house (assuming that the 4th relates to the father) with Aries on the cusp and Mars in Taurus. He must have been quite determined and domestic, presumably quite conventional and aligned with the customs and traditions of society seeing as Mars is sextile Saturn, but also quite eccentric, original and innovative seeing as Mars is sextile Uranus. Mars also makes a square to Mercury, which is a clear indicator of someone who is overly convicted of one’s intellectual capacity to the point of it being detrimental. Although there’s force and sharpness to the intellect there’s pride involved, which might take over and lead to this person forcing information down people’s throats. Mars is also trine the Moon in Leo which would point to a warm and nurturing side. All in all, it seems like the father is quite a force to reckon with – stable, dutiful, exciting, warm, and active, with a risk of going over the top when interacting and engaging with others. In addition to the 4th house image, we have to look to the Sun as a father principle. It’s in the 2nd house of material possessions, which perfectly aligns with the 4th house and its connection to Taurus, the fixed earth sign. Not to mention that the Sun is in Aquarius, highlighting the Uranian connection of inspiration and vision. He would surely be a financially and materially focused person with a lot of inspiration and excitement for the future as well as an interest in public affairs and public relations (Sun inconjunct Jupiter). He’s also a Neptunian type and probably has a rich imaginary realm, inevitably deeply affected by the terrors and misfortunes others are put through, overall sympathetic and accepting of all fates and experiences. There’s also the Sun-Moon opposition, pointing to somewhat of a homebody, deeply connected to the emotional past and its memories. He might’ve had difficulty integrating that part of himself, being a strong presence in the outside world and retreating back into a safe space.

Let’s have a look at mother signifiers in the chart as well. The 10thhouse is unoccupied; Libra is the cusp ruler and Scorpio fills the majority of the house. This is a mother that probably was concerned with behaving in all the socially appropriate ways. It’s also indicative of someone who seeks validation and appreciation and gives it to other people in order to create harmonious atmospheres. She’s also somewhat private, watching her back and letting people know that she sees it all and won’t let things slide. This mother is a pleasant social navigator and private, defensive and biting type. Moving on to the Moon, which gives us an image of a woman of passion and courage, a stubborn fighter (Moon trine Mars and Pluto) working in the shadows of the 8th house. She’s not someone to openly display her force, although it’s certain that she has a whole lot going on beneath the surface layers. Passionate nature aside, she’s also very diplomatic and interactive, although she might have to put in some effort to not let her need to please, interact and care get the best of her (Moon inconjunct Mercury and Venus). She would be restless; the kind to feel trapped and kept apart from her own potential and progression (Moon opposite Uranus) as well as her own purpose, self-actualization and possibly even redemption (Moon opposite Sun-Neptune). It would seem as the mother is trapped through conventional reason (Moon inconjunct Mercury in Capricorn) and self-sacrificing ideals (Moon inconjunct Venus in Pisces). The 8thhouse is related to other people and their resources/values indicating that she is living at the mercy of conditions beyond her own control, at least in her own experience. What other people are willing to support or not support determines her situation – it doesn’t lie within her own control.

[asherlockstudy]

Rhett and Link’s problems with the Enneagram

I have now watched both Enneagram EBs and the second one actually set my gears to work (So Anon here it comes! I promise it was spontaneous).

After listening to Link and mostly Rhett talk about the Enneagram again and again, I realised I have a problem but I can not place its exact root. There is either something fundamentally wrong with the Enneagram itself or maybe it’s Rhett and consequently Link who talk about it in a way that made me feel a little uncomfortable.

My problem and cause of concern was that everything that was said during the two podcasts had a clear negative tone to it. I will have to bring in myself to it to give you an example so bear with me for a paragraph. I did the test and I am a 5 (Investigator - Observer, something like that) which suits me rather well, especially since it agrees perfectly with my Myers-Briggs INTP type. The results said I was a 5w6 (essentially an emotionless analytical robot) which is definitely wrong as I am clearly a 5w4 (a sad mess who analyses the world and searches pointlessly for the true meanings in life and wants to come up with the ultimate all-encompassing philosophy). I mean, OK, they are not described exactly like that but trust me, that’s the point. But despite all the flaws associated with it, especially in the fields of socialising and tremendous procrastination due to an insane fear of failure, I am actually very much in touch with it. I revel in analysing, in trying to see the bigger picture, to make up my own theory about life and the world. It gives me fuel to go on, it fills me with excitement, it gives me a purpose.

Now, what I kept hearing from Rhett and Link are the things they would hope to run away from. I can’t seem to remember a single positive thing they said about their personalities. All traits they mentioned ( which were all pretty one-dimensional for both I dare say) were presented in the context of torturing them and having to confront them. With these insights in their personalities and the spiritual deconstructions earlier, their old (surprising back then) statement that they are “fundamentally sad people” makes more and more sense. Some of their traits, like Link’s care for perfection to the smallest detail and his moral concerns could have been neutral or positive but, no, they are almost all given as clear negatives or at least as things that have an emotional toll on them.

This gives me the impression that Link and especially Rhett have found comfort in studying the Enneagram and try to find an explanation for what they are like, to feel part of a group, represented in their misery. In short, they focus on the analysis of the flaws of their personalities as a part of who they are and avoid dealing with the root that caused said flaws. Link is more self aware while Rhett still struggles to reach the root of it, which is his childhood. Not that he doesn’t know it but he can’t just deal with the people and the situations that impacted him enough to make him a three. For instance, Rhett seems to believe that he is a natural three that his parents made manifest even more strongly. It could be the case or the threeness we observe in him is the direct product of his parents’ constant judgement. By keeping chanting he needs to “be” instead of “do”, I am not sure Rhett will achieve much. Honestly, the one impactful step he needs to take is to stop caring about what his father thinks and I am sorry to say he is still not near achieving this. Especially when I take into account how scared he was during his videocall with his dad in GMM and how relieved he looked after the call was over without drama. In short, my problem with their take in the Enneagram is that it seems that Three is Rhett’s pack of unresolved issues rather than his complete personality type.

Furthermore, Rhett speaks knowingly about all numbers / personality types which proves he consumes passionately all Enneagram information that is available. For a man of his level of active lifestyle, hectic schedule and impatience, this shows that he indeed seeks comfort in finding a detailed description and an explanation for his personality, for the way he feels and acts. What does this mean? Well, that he does not like the way he feels about himself a lot. Not only that, but he is actually in a search of self. At this point, he is no longer cryptic about it but it is more serious than he lets on. He tries to make sense of himself and he tries desperately to find something in himself to love. I hope there are people in his life who let him know that he is worthy of their love, friendship and appreciation even though he is so deep inside his head that even the affectionate feedback can only help so much. Rhett will start finding some peace only if he takes the one step I mentioned above.

And then it seems that Link’s personality type is also exclusively a byproduct of his childhood and is aggravated by his relationship with Rhett. Link’s perfectionism doesn’t cause him enthusiasm - he just dreads the disturbance of his supposedly perfectly stable world. In all honesty, Link doesn’t strike me as an ambitious person. Link would just love to have his dear routine and a loyal person to share it with. Link needs stability and companionship. He is fine with just one person as long as this person contributes to the stability of their bond. Who that one person is in Link’s life is another story…

Link doesn’t care that much about the creative process and, frankly, he doesn’t care all that much about the comedy. Link cares to keep the environment Rhett and he work stable and safe. For Link, judgement from the audience is not as alarming as Rhett’s frustration because of it. Link cares to ensure that Rhett’s idea will be successful enough to keep working and to keep working together. So Link’s entire self-identification as a one seems to stem from his fear of abandonment and worthlessness only. Link fears he has not much to contribute to Mythical and he tries to counteract that by becoming the ultimate source of management and control. Because if he didn’t even manage the company, then what would Rhett need him for? Hence, Link’s obsession for control is a consequence of his fear, he doesn’t necessarily love to be in control for the sake of it. This is proven by his plane example, which shows that he finally relaxes when he does NOT need to be in control.

Link has been working hard most of his life to ensure his position next to Rhett. This brings even more insight in his resentment for Rhett that explodes from time to time. Link resents Rhett because he tries so hard to be always by his side but due to Rhett’s opportunitism, he can’t tell whether Rhett wants his companionship or he simply needs it for their brand. Even worse, Link dreads that the reason Rhett is his friend is because Link feeds his ego with his loyalty and admiration, because he takes Link for granted and not because he loves Link for who he is.

“Do you care for me or do you revel in the fact that I care for you?”

Now, I can’t get inside Rhett’s head but I doubt he uses people. I believe his genuine care for Link can be found in the weirdest examples - those from which Rhett has nothing to gain i.e getting frustrated when Link doesn’t enjoy food as much. Yes, this is a sign of love. Rhett enjoys food so much that he wants to share that enjoyment with Link. He can’t realise Link’s tongue works differently - he thinks Link is missing out and it frustrates him. Another silly example is Rhett buying Apocalypse equipment for a clearly disinterested Link and probably never getting its money’s worth back. This is important to Rhett for some reason and he is concerned enough to protect careless Link as well despite having no personal gain from it.

The truth is that these two men feed off each other; Rhett keeps Link attached to him to always feel worthy and Link keeps Rhett attached to him to always feel safe. However, the fact that Rhett is almost his entire source of safety and that Link is Rhett’s biggest calibrator of worth is indicative of the levels of love and need. Nevertheless, Rhett and Link are not independent people. They were constantly in search of support from one another and they lost themselves in the process of satisfying others or being safe. This is something they are realising only now.

Link’s fear of abandonment is so big that it frequently leads him to an almost paranoid behaviour. It is crazy that he felt left out when Rhett communicated with the audience during a podcast whose key purpose is to… communicate with the audience. His fear here has two sides: 1) that Rhett didn’t consider him an equally important business partner so he preferred to speak directly to the audience and 2) that Rhett isn’t emotionally invested in him in order to open up to him. And by saying he can deceive people if he needs, Rhett doesn’t help Link overcome his huge insecurities. This is why Link begs Rhett to talk to him about his feelings more. He does not understand whether Rhett loves him or uses him. The notion that Rhett doesn’t truly love or appreciate him is one of his biggest fears in life.

As for Rhett, it is certainly huge growth that he starts opening up and being vulnerable to a few thousand strangers yet it all still derives from his need to be accepted by said strangers as I am afraid that the late disproportionate criticism he gets for silly stuff on Twitter and Tumblr surely don’t help him deal with his issues, no matter how hard he tries. Therefore, Rhett is trapped in a vicious circle. Besides, Rhett was overly sensitive to be hurt when Link stated the obvious; that he was being vulnerable in hopes to be understood and accepted, because that was clearly what Rhett was openly doing. However, having someone discussing openly his vulnerability immediately made Rhett retreat back to his shell because no matter how hard he tries, Rhett hasn’t managed to separate vulnerability from weakness in his mind yet.

Long story short, Rhett and Link might be Three and One respectively but I am not sure they have a good understanding of themselves anyway. They may have figured out their types correctly but they certainly narrow their entire sense of being to their unresolved issues and phobias. They entirely lack a sense of self-worth and they probably have not realised the extent of the traumas in their youth. In the Enneagram language, the nine personality types have nine levels of development. I believe Rhett and Link are either in the average levels or the mildest unhealthy level. They are certainly not in the healthy top three levels.

Their obsession with the Ennegram helps only superficially but they seem to have based an illogically huge part of their self exploration on it. The Enneagram might offer some insight but won’t offer the resolutions they long for and badly need in order to find some relief. The ones that come when you confront your environment instead of overanalysing yourself and beating yourself up because of it.