#accidentally deleted this while trying to edit the post so I had to write it out all over

[felisgalactus]

Made some sprites of @charseraph’s crowns, ft the Gamer himself, Bongspider on the right. Actual size below.

[sweetmariihs2]

🪄Cedric The Sorcerer merch, art and official stuff - Masterlist (incomplete)🌌

That's the new version of the post. The previous one was (accidentally) deleted by me, and this one here is more updated and organized.

I wrote a complete part two post about this post here (searching for Cedric stuff), and it was all very genuine because I was writing down my opinions while looking for more content, so there were my reactions for having found incredible content, art that I had been looking for for a long time, books games and more. I did this research the whole day (of course, taking some breaks and also doing my personal tasks) and finished the post at midnight, but when I posted it, Tumblr deleted the post for no reason. I think maybe it's because there was a bug on the post, because I only had two drafts (this post and one more) and in quantity it said it had 5. Even though I tried to contact Tumblr support, they didn't solve my problem :( so I decided to redo the blog just with the data I found, more organized and also a masterlist of the illustrations I found on Tumblr. (I still want to share the things I found but I don't want to rewrite my reactions, because it won't be genuine anymore)

I did this research myself, so it's likely there are still items off the list that I didn't include. Or there is media that Cedric is in, but that has not been published on the internet and I didn't found anywhere. The content of the magazines for example is so damn hard to find.

After that day, I continued searching all over the internet. I would say this research took around a week or two. And I decided to put everything I found into a big masterlist to share with other people too, so I made this post.

As over time I will continue editing this post and adding more links, you need to remember that when a post is reblogged, the version it was in when it was reblogged will be the version present on the profile of the person who reblogged it. If there are updates, the most recent versions will not appear on that person's profile, so it's a good idea to always check if I have added any more links. Here I will leave the link to the post on my blog, so you can know if there have been any changes.

As always, I will be very grateful to those who have access to this material and can share it with me, so that I can add it to the list, or who have found a link with content that was left out of the post. I'll be very grateful to add it to the list and I'll give you credit. You can send it to me through comments, asks or messages. I will add the link and @ of your blog :)

If you only have images please put them in a post and send the link to me, because we can only add 10 images per post and I have already added too many images in the masterlist :)

You can access the links to the products/media/stuff by clicking on the colored texts (not on the titles, as the titles are just decorative). I'll divide the links into topics so they don't get mixed up.

Sometimes the same book or the same product has multiple links because in one link there are some images and in the other there are others. It could be due to the difference in quality of images from one site to another or because one link has images that the other does not have, about the same product. I will list these links in yellow.

Let me know in the comments if any link doesn't work.

~This version of the post is a REPOST. I accidentally deleted the other post, but fortunately I had a backup in my notes app. I knew that if I lost this post all my hard work would be destroyed too, so at each update, I also did the same update here. I got so mad because I deleted when I was trying to add a new link. What makes me pissed is having to organize in the Tumblr format (with the colored text and everything), but at least the links and the text are still saved. I also added new links.~

~If you want, you can delete the old post from your profile if you reblogged it before I deleted it. It is no longer useful and is the outdated version, plus I may end up getting confused with the two posts. Forget about the old post and focus on this new one ;) ~

23/may/2024 edit: I was going to edit the post and add more concept art links and I was notified that I have reached the link limit per post (100). I don't know what I'm gonna do anymore, since this masterlist is incomplete and CAN'T be completed because Tumblr doesn't allow me to. I'm thinking about making a post for each one of these topics and get their links to make a masterlist of them. But oh God this will be extremely exhausting to do. This post is reblogged in a lot of people's blogs already, I'll make a mess. Let me see what I can do. For now I'll keep the post the way it is.

21/july/2024 edit: I'm gonna be removing some dead links (links that don't work anymore and brings us nowhere) to add some concept arts/storyboards and the stf magazine masterlist I did some days ago.

Let's go to the list.

✨️Concept Art:

This section is incomplete since new concept art is always being discovered.

Model sheets by Connor Flynn (and more artists in the other drawings, I believe)(my favorite concept art)

Model sheets by Connor Flynn (Cedric and Wormwood concept arts)

Carol S. Berkeley Concept/Official art

Cedric and Wormwood Character Descriptions

‼️ Sofia The First series bible (pitch bible) (I was afraid of it turning into lost media so I also uploaded this in my blog, in two parts. Since we have a link limit per post I won't add them here, but if in the future this turns into a dead link, you can find it pretty easily by searching for "bible" or other keywords in my blog)

🪻Storyboards:

Once Upon A Princess third/fourth Cedric scene storyboard (+Goodwyn was there for some reason. He got scraped and added to "Cedric's Apprentice" later on)

Holiday In Enchancia - deleted scene storyboards (Cedric in his undies lmao)

Holiday In Enchancia - deleted scene storyboards (same as the above, but more content and in the original artist's website)

The Amulet Of Avalor - Get That/My Amulet storyboard (this specific link can only be accessed through the Wayback Machine website. It works for me, but some people said that it didn't worked for them. I also uploaded these in my blog in case you can't access this link.)

The Floating Palace storyboard (sea monster Cedric)

The Winter’s Gift episode storyboards (Cedric and Sofia's hug)

The Leafsong Festival storyboard (Cedric's design it's different, which is weird... maybe it was made before Once Upon A Princess)

Through the Looking Back Glass - Magic Touch storyboard (Cedric's hair looks so cute! This whole artstyle is so sweet)

The Enchanted Feast - All You Desire storyboards (originally called "Anything You Want")

🪄Storybooks (introduction):

The content of the books can be easily found on YouTube by searching for "Sofia The First read-along book", as many people record videos of themselves reading the books to children. Although we can see the arts, they are usually not in the best quality, so I found some scanned illustrations on Tumblr.

Usually the storybooks have the same stories as the episodes, so Cedric will be present in the books corresponding to each episode he's in. Except for the book Royal Sleepover (He's not there) and Holiday In Enchancia (He's present on a page, but not present in the episode). When You Wish Upon A Well is not posted on YouTube, so it was not found with all the pages and is difficult to find.

—

💫Sofia The First Storybook Theater App:

It's an interactive reading mode that existed inside the Disney Junior app. We don't know if there are more interactive books besides these recorded and posted on YouTube.

Sofia The First (introduction book)

The Floating Palace

🌙Storybook scanned pages:

(I won't include the YouTube videos because then can be found easily)

There are variations from the Cedric's Apprentice book: Sofia's Magic Lesson, Cedric Gets Help, "Aprendiendo a Hacer Magia" and Magic Class (He's not in this one). There's also the japanese version of this same story.

Cedric Gets Help read-along video (because it's hard to find)

Japanese Cedric's Apprentice

Princesita Sofia - Aprendiendo a Hacer Magia

Princesita Sofia - Aprendiendo a Ser Princesa

From the book Sofia The Second

From the book Amulet Of Avalor

From the book The Enchanted Feast

Only one from the book Two Princesses And A Baby (little golden book edition)

One small illustration from Two Princesses And A Baby

From the book Royal Mouse In The House + Two Princesses And A Baby

Mix from Enchanted Science Fair and When You Wish Upon A Well

Mix from The Perfect Tea Party, Magical Match and Amulet And The Anthem

Welcome to Royal Prep (MUSHROOM CEDRIC AAaa)

🌠Merch/Activity Books:

Sofia The First - Annual 2015 (Insta)

Sofia The First - Annual 2015 (Pin)

This book "Annual 2015" along with a magazine confused me a lot. I found illustrations from this book, but they matched illustrations from a magazine comic, which left me very confused because I didn't know what was from which book. After finding a video on YouTube with pictures of the whole magazine, I was able to separate which illustration was from which book. You can find this specific magazine in the magazines section below. Let's go on with the book list.

Sofia The First - Sparkling - Sticker Dress Up (dress Sofia and her royal friends)

Same book, but dress up Cedric

Same book, but Cedric is in a dress

Same book, but dress up Cedric + Baileywick and Roland

— Okay, now we can go on with the rest of the books :)

Sofia The First Magic Sticker Book (Korea)

Sofia The First Deluxe Sticker Book (we have Wormwood here, and both Cedric and Wormwood have heart stickers! And Cedric wears a green robe!)

Sofia The First look and find book

Sofia The First Clay Buddies

S Is For Sofia (ABC book)

Personalized book (you can add your kid's name)

Sticker book "treasury" (NEW CEDRIC STICKER - there's still content from this book that Cedric is featured but I couldn't find it anywhere)

Compilation of Cedric in the coloring books

Unknown source (Cedric with his concept art teeth)

🌟JAPANESE Merch/Activity books:

Japan needs a whole separate topic because they have their own producs, magazines, even the aesthetics change

Found a lot of romantic c*dfia traumatizing content...

And at least a good thing: a japanese sofia the first cookbook (for...children?)

I know that not everyone is just part of the "Cedric fandom" like me. I know that there are people who genuinely wants to search for STF content and not only Cedric, and the advice I give to find these things is to write "princess sofia magazine" in Google Translate and translate to Japanese, and then you copy it to the clipboard and search on Google. You will find a lot of interesting stuff.

You can understand what is written in these books by downloading the image and putting it in Google Translate, image translation mode. Select Japanese language translating to English, and translate by image. The app will write in English on top of the Japanese texts so that you can read them. You need to download the image to do this, as it needs to be in your gallery! Or it's an image on Google images and you click on the camera symbol below it -> translate. I use my cellphone, so I don't know how it works in desktop mode. There must be tutorials on the internet about it.

In the Amazon links, sometimes the website don't always shows all the pics that the seller put to sell the product. To see them, don't just swip to the right when you enter the website, click on the image FIRST and then look through the pics. I think that counts for all the Amazon links.

(This one is a storybook) Sofia The First - once upon a princess story (you can read the preview on that big button and there's a Cedric illustration)

Sofia The First + Frozen Sticker Book

Sticker dress up magnetic bag

Sticker dress up book

Another sticker book

"Kisekae collection", japanese mini portable dress up bag

Did you notice that the photo of Sofia and Cedric on the cover has the ruby ​​heart sticker? <3

Another japanese sticker book

Same japanese sticker book but more images

Lessons for becoming a princess (Disney picture book)

Flora painting Cedric's robe pink 😭😭

Little Princess Sofia Perfect Guide All stories published! (Gakken Disney Mook) *I just translated* Cedric is in the stickers (click on the image to see all)

Japanese learning english book? With a reading pen

Japanese learning words with little princess Sofia [NEW CEDRIC ILLUSTRATIONS]

Activity book (Cedric is in the stickers)

Activity book (Cedric is in a number card)

Japanese character encyclopedia (new pics) (click on the image to see all)

Japanese character encyclopedia (high quality images- not complete)

Magazine/book with new Cedric content, BUT there are new pics of the last "character encyclopedia" and bless this person on amazon, they did so much for us, thank you, thank you (click on the image to see all)

(That's all the same link I just played a little with the colors lol)

Magazine/book with game of fiding the seven errors with Cedric (click on the image to see all)

MAGAZINE WHERE WE CAN LEARN MAGIC TRICKS WITH CEDRIC!!!! (click on the image to see all)

Magazine/book with stickers (click on the image to see all)

Magazine that comes with pens and a small bag

10 stories (there's a part for describing the characters... but it's just a preview so you have to buy it)(that gray button is for reading the preview)

10 stories 2 (same thing as the last one)(that small button below the pic is for reading the preview)

"Princess Lession", probably an activity book

Another sticker+activity book

Unknown book (it's described as a comic, but I don't believe it is)

I found a website full of high quality images of japanese merch and books, some scanned pages and everything. But it redirected to adult sites. The site full of STF merch appears for a second and then several betting sites and mature content open, so to be able to get these images, I turned off my Wi-Fi before the adult site appeared and kept scrolling the page to see the images, then to go to the second part I would turn it on for a moment and turn it off again before the ads appeared 😭 it was very difficult but I got everything interesting that was there. Here are some:

🌌Magazines:

Some time ago I started to buy the STF magazines in my country to scan them and prevent them to be turned into lost media. I only own some of them but I was capable to upload them here on tumblr. Here is the post where you can access them:

The Day Of The Sorcerers magazine:

Random images + part of the comic

The Day Of The Sorcerers comic version

Snowman Cedric pic

"A Bit Of Magic" (name of the comic) magazine:

WHOLE MAGAZINE VIDEO: Activities and full comic

"A Bit Of Magic" comic (Once Upon A Princess/Cedric's Apprentice inspired story)

"A Bit Of Magic" comic scenes (finally- that's not an "unknown source" anymore)

A Bit Of Magic" comic scenes (previously nicknamed "Once Upon A Princess comic-like illustrations by me)

Another part of the "A Bit Of Magic" comic (that's the reused artwork I mentioned at the "annual 2015" book)

This is the comic I mentioned in the "Annual 2015" book part. The illustrations in this magazine are similar to those in the book and because I didn't have access to either of the two complete books, I couldn't understand which was which. Today I know because I found the video of the whole magazine.

Other magazines content (activities):

Intituled "Sofia The First Official Comic Issue 13 with free gift", but it can be called "Magic Helpers"

Sofia The First Royal Adventures - Join Sofia's Party!

"Another chance"/"Perfect spell"/"Magical Mishaps" (unknown source)

"A successful spell" (unknown source)

"A magic celebration" (unknown source)

"Secret Path" (unknown source)

"Pet swap" (unknown source)

"Our special talents" (unknown source)

Magazines' comics:

"Welcome to Royal Prep Academy!" Magazine (comic)

Same comic but different pics (previously an unknown source)

I had a screenshot here before I mentioned that I lost the source. But not that I found out it's source I discovered that it's not from a magazine! It's a sticker book that I already mentioned but I thought those were two different books!! The book I'm talking about is "Sticker Play - Royal Activities". // 21/july/2024 edit: now the link that bring us to that sticker book is a dead link. Lost media unfortunately :( I removed it from the masterlist

—

���Magazine covers:

Sofia The First - Leading The Way (True Friendship/Cedric Takes Charge) [Day Of The Sorcerers Comic]

Sofia The First - Royal Adventures (New Exciting Adventures!/The Power Of Being Nice)

Sofia The First - Leading The Way (Surprising Friends!/Visit Hexley Hall with Cedric!)

Sofia The First - Royal Adventures (Indonesian: Selamat Datang di Pesta Sihir)(translation: Welcome to Magic Party) (sassy Cedric)

🌔Merch:

Panini stickers (from the Sofia The First - Collectible Sticker Album)

Panini sticker album — High quality stickers (I FINALLY FOUND THE DAMN STICKER ALBUM CARDS)

Panini sticker album — here we can see all of the pages. The quality is low but in other videos people don't show them all

Panini sticker album — complete (lmao this video)

Board game - Surprise Slides (conceptart-like Cedric illustration)

🐦‍⬛Games:

I have great news for you: I found a website called Numuki that still supports flash games. On this website you can play ALL the games I have listed below (except for Sofia's Enchanted Adventure. I thought it wasn't possible to play The Mermaid Princess either, but it just doesn't show up when you search for "Cedric", it shows up in similar game recommendations when you're playing a STF game). Just search for Numuki on Google and in the website's search bar search for "Cedric", and voilá, have fun.

I'm having trouble with the link limit per post, because I already reached 100 and I need more space to add other ones, like concept arts and storyboards. So instead of adding a link to videos about every game, I'll just link a private playlist I made on YouTube with videos to all these games (in the order that I mention them in the post) for you to access it more easily. Those colored titles of the games aren't links, okay?

This is the playlist link ✨️

A Spell for Mr Cedric

Cedric needs ingredients to make a spell that makes fireworks, so Sofia needs to get them for him.

Keys To The Castle

Sofia needs to go to the royal ball and Cedric locked the door with his magic. Now she needs to get the keys to go back to the ball. Cedric has a new 3d pose and is an enemy/npc that can "game over" your game (his walk is so funny). Plus we have Wormwood here. "Game over" at 04:50 min.

Sofia's Enchanted Adventure

Cedric turns into a lizard (a very cute and funny one, that doesn't show inside the episodes) and Sofia needs to help him turn back to his normal self.

The Curse Of Princess Ivy

Cedric has a new 3d pose and a small animation. This game is about catching Ivy's butterflies and you can play with Amber or Sofia.

Sofia's Card Catch

Matching game with Cedric. There was a previous version where Cedric was the sea monster instead of his normal self.

The Mermaid Princess

The Floating Palace game version. I'm not that familiarized with the english dub so I don't know if they reused the same voicelines from the episodes or not.

A Day At Royal Prep

This game is basically a collection of minigames based on the classes at the royal prep. Ironically, there is a "potions class", and Cedric apparently is the teacher... let's take the episode Substitute Cedric into consideration lmao.

A Starry Sleepover

A compilation of games from the Disney Junior app based on the episode "The Big Sleepover". Cedric is included in a minigame called "Hide and Seek" where the characters appear behind objects and the player must click on them. The narrator says "Watch out for Cedric, he's after Sofia's amulet!"

⚗️ Toys:

Cedric The Sorcerer figure — from the Sofia The First Deluxe Friends Pack

Cedric's workshop playset — from the Sofia The First Wizard School/Magic Lab Playset

Cedric's magic show tools — from the Sofia The First Magic Spells Bag

[t4llhum4n]

So. Um. @fluffsoo

I have once again demonstrated that I do not know how to use this app and accidentally deleted your ask while trying to edit my answer in my drafts.

I apologize.

BUT. I am here to quench your thirst for a Porter analysis because DAMN I've been meaning to write this for a while.

Cut for length!

So I really like Porter. He's ambiguous, but without it being too pretentious, and I am OBSESSED with the implications about William that he's been raising. I'll definitely talk about the latter thing more at a later date, but in this post, I want to focus on his ambiguity; namely, his history in regards to the audios he's mentioned in and what that did/does for his character.

Let's break down this man's character introduction. First, we get that post-credits-esk scene with Sam, where it's first revealed that Porter and Vincent had a fight. Because of this, in his first audio (a BA lol), a lot of people were wary about him -- especially given that the scene was similar to what Ivan had described when he kidnapped Baby 2.0. This, if it was deliberate on Erik's part, is absolutely genius.

Looking first at the Sam text message scene, when we hear that this new character had a fight with Vincent, the first character on the channel, it immediately casts doubt on the new character's, well, character. It's a "devil that you know" type situation; because the listener is more familiar with Vincent, they are more likely to side with him against this unknown guy. Having Sam deliver this news is such a good choice as well. It's a third-party perspective -- his reaction isn't charged with a personal experience, leaving a world of possibilities about what this "Porter" could be like.

The seed of doubt only begins to grow further when the listener is actually introduced to Porter. As I said before, the beginning of the BA is very similar to the situation that led to Baby 2.0's kidnapping. We were already wary, and now this man has parallels to one of the most intense characters on the channel? It paints him in a bad light before he even does anything to merit it. And then what does he do? Absolutely nothing.

Well, I mean, he definitely did something in that BA if you know what I mean, but he doesn't do anything bad. In fact, he's rather charming and even cares for Treasure after the fact. Like, imagine having an amazing hook-up in the woods, and then the other person takes you to this crazy fancy house to wash up, and then they trust you enough to not wipe your memory even when that's the protocol for situations like this (well, as far as we know, but I won't get into that). He does nothing that indicates that he's a terrible person, and yet...

He fought with Vincent, and according to Sam, it was pretty bad. That's the thing, though, at that point, the only accounts we had about Vincent's backstory were from Vincent himself. There's an inherent bias there, and that bias had been transferred to the listener as well, to the point where the second it's revealed that someone fought Vincent, the first reaction is that this other person is the bad one. So, we go into Porter's audio with Treasure with that mindset and leave feeling.. confused.

This? This is the guy who grappled with Vincent until they nearly killed each other? Sure, he's enigmatic and raising a few questions, but he doesn't seem dangerous. At least, that was my first reaction. And I think that an introduction like this suits his character as we know it now perfectly.

Porter has continued to be a wild card. He seems so carefree and "go-with-the-flow," and yet he's bound in his loyalty to William. Every question he answers only brings up more, and he never really makes the bigger picture clearer than before. Some things he does intentionally, serving some kind of goal, while others (like telling Vincent that he was inviting Treasure) are just for shits and giggles. Because of this, it is near impossible to tell for sure if what he's doing or saying is important or not. It's like the evolution of the "villan or good guy?" question from his first introduction.

ALSO that villan question? Due to what has been revealed about Porter, the "villan or good guy?" conundrum has shifted off of him and onto William. The answer for Porter, at least at this point, isn't a villain or a good guy. He's a servant to William. So, that begs the question: Is William really a good person?

I'm gonna stop it there before this gets too long. In all honesty, a lot of my Porter thoughts are less "analysis" and more "theories" because there aren't many audios to analyze. I would be more than happy to theory-craft at a later date, though. There are SO many connections I could draw to past audios based on information we have now it's insane.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed my ramblings! And sorry again about accidentally deleting the ask! I'll get to the rest of them throughout the week (I am so pumped to do the one about Sunshine you have no idea). This was a really nice de-stress after finals :D

[flame-x]

this is a response to an ask from @afairytalestray from such a long time ago that i cant even remember the original ask (i accidentally deleted it lmao) tumblr wouldnt let me upload it but i found it today in my google docs where apparently id put it to stop tumblr from deleting it altogether. i havent edited any of it so you get the whole word vomit lmao

annoyingly ive had to break this post up into small chunks :( becasue tumblr wont let me uplod the whole thing for some unknown godforsaken fucking reason. im gonna tag each one with #jellyjennyskimblegus-sometimes-ft-bustopher polycule though

i have many thoughts about the jellyjennyskimblegus-sometimes-ft-bustopher polycule. it's not exactly what you asked for but i'm going to talk about it anyway :3 (this is a version where gus is asparagus's father and jelly and caramel have different parents. who are they? well your guess is as good as mine lmao) (also just to be clear; jelly and skimble do not have feelings for each other and jenny and asparagus do not have feelings for each other)

so jelly and jenny were rly tight growing up, their families were pretty close. they told each other EVERYTHING. jenny confided in jelly somewhat nervously when she realised she was pansexual and jelly was ofc super supportive.

meanwhile skimble return home to his bf asparagus every time the night mail returns to London and they are happy. all 4 are v good friends. jenny however develops feeling for skimble and is rly torn up about it bc yk he's in a happy relationship so what can she do? but then skimble and asparagus have a big blowup fight (about what i have no idea i am putting these months-old vague ideas into writing and filling up the gaps on the spot as i go) and suddenly jelly and asparagus are tight? somehow jelly has ended up on the receiving end of both jenny and asparagus's love woes while battling her long-time feelings for jenny that she'd long since buried (jenny's been in love w skimble for aaaaages now) and her new budding feelings for asparagus and the poor girl is so confused. and stressed. but trying her best to be there for the people who need her.

 skimble and gus break up on sad but not bad terms. jenny and skimble eventually start dating and jelly and asparagus cry in each other's arms as jelly reveals to him her feelings for jenny and then soon after, her inner conflict over her feelings for him too. asparagus takes her by the chin and kisses her ever so softly and that's that. (it's the cutest most tender thing). anyway jelly continues to try to tamp down her feelings for jenny and predictably fails. however here's what's going on with skimble: he's so unbelievably happy with jenny but asparagus continues to haunt him. they're all still great friends but it's a little strained sometimes between the two of them. there are many caught sorrowful, regret-filled glances and pangs as he gazes at how *handsome* asparagus is as he laughs with the girls in the sunlight. as for jenny she is still completely oblivious to jelly's feelings for her and hasn't really fully developed her own romantic feelings towards her? like she feels the connection but doesn't understand yet that it isn't platonic. or maybe it isn't yet! she doesn't know and neither do i :3

(part 1)

[teenagegoldrush]

howdy all!

i am coming off the most emotionally destructive and draining year i have ever had, so i lost focus and passion for the craft (fanfic writing). but i promise this year i WILL be finishing obx3.

i have the second season done, will be posting that very soon. i had the first episode of season three finished but accidentally deleted it from existence while trying to make storage on my laptop. whoops (i am so frustrated about it, believe me)

in the meantime, i will be trying to recreate what i had written in that episode as well as going back and editing/cleaning up the previous seasons chapters. so if you see me reblog with edits feel free to reread!

love to all

[a-very-fond-farewell]

hi! hope this reply finds you.. eventually. I accidentally deleted your ask when I actually wanted to delete another one (sorry) but I was meaning to reply to a few people in a single post anyway and took provisional screenshots! so this was a lucky coincidence!

thank you for reading Children of the Red Dust! my pride and joy :D but since you know me from word of honor I.. kind of guess why you would be confused by my previous post about my “fandoms of interest”, as u say.

so, originally (I believe it was around either 2017 or 2018, cannot guarantee on that I’m afraid) this was a side-blog spurred from my need to compartmentalize and gush about my experience of re-reading a few of my favorite fics from the hobbit fandom. back then, in fact, I was in a slump and needed to pick myself up. so I decided to revisit fandoms who had brought me joy in the past, one of which was the bagginshield ship. hence a “nostalgia” blog!

coincidentally, one of the authors of a particular fic among those would have later on (in 2020) influenced my decision to try reading mdzs since they were considering writing a fic about it. they were (and still are!) one of my favorite fic authors, so I trusted them completely on that and that’s how I stepped into the world of danmei!

first it was the untamed, then winter begonia and finally word of honor, through which you have come to meet me :) isn’t that magical?

now. in regards of your second question.. thank you for letting me ramble about my new shiny interests! :D

so here’s a handy list:

1. hotd & r//haenicent :

oh, where do I start! that’s a tough one bc I’m mostly vibing in here?? like. don’t get me wrong, I love the show as it is and I do enjoy the lore behind it a great deal. I’m mostly absorbing the content and let it either shock me or impress me depending on what’s on screen. I do see the flaws but I honestly don’t care about them. I’m just vibing, as I said. but I do like to see people posting meta about the reasoning behind each character! and I love reading about the actors’ ideas behind their back stories and motivations!

my ship of choice is mostly based on the fact that I do like me some toxic-ladies-twice-divorced energy in the room and I should add that I haven’t probably been able to watch killing eve yet just so I could prepare my tastebuds with the hotd female leads first. I especially love the modern!au edits I’m seeing floating around and for now that’s enough to keep me from starving until the new season arrives.

2. the devil judge :

honestly, my focus would be gone on all planes of existence wasn’t it for @/amethystina’s fic (I don’t want to bother her with me tagging her on this, but do trust me and go read it bc it’s gonna change your life!) Who Holds The Devil. seriously, my anxiety has been so bad recently but there she glows, the most massive brain in the universe, bringing us frequent updates despite her busy schedule (and, apparently?? she wrote an entire 100k words fic in the strangers from hell fandom on a whim?? so if that’s your vibe you can go feast on that baby and have a fucking party while you’re at it. thank me later)

no but for real. it’s almost camp. almost. the drama, I mean. all it needs is a feathered boa and it checks out. outlandish villains that do be sounding a little too similar to IRL egotistical capitalist pigs, dangerous pretty ladies, rich bitches (Kang YoHan included), mysteries™️, boytoys and sassy teenagers. there are a few complains I have, ngl, but the vibes are immaculate imo. I would also offer, in a similar vein, kdramas like little women (a recent favorite of mine!), beyond evil (a classic at this point) and, on a bigger scale, the glory (which I have yet to watch, contrary to the first two).

3. helluva boss :

this one caught me off guard, ngl. I used to see it trending on tumblr often but thought it was just the most recent western brand of animation that people get hooked on for the witty dialogue and vaguely philosophical themes being explored (as u can see idk anything about these things, I thought it was similar to adventure time or smth, the fool that I was!). what I got instead was great animation and complex three-dimensional characters overall. now I’ve rewatched the entirety of the available episodes perhaps ten times. honestly, my anxiety really needed that.

as with hotd, I’m just vibing.. but I’m very engaged. I felt almost euphoric at the thought that animators and artists could just.. have fun with it? I’m sure there’s an enormous amount of work involved in the production of every single episode, so I’m just leaning back and enjoy the show. bad gays are hella entertaining and I’m here for it. coincidentally, around the same time I started actively watching the series I found out about a new queer short film that is being developed called the lovers! it’s gonna be a long wait but it’s gonna be worth it :D

4. don’t hug me I’m scared :

this was a fun one. when it first came out (idr when tho) I remember being very uncomfortable with the material. it reminded me of Flat Eric, a yellow puppet used in dance music videos of some artist or smth: it used to terrify me as a child and dhmis evoked the same reaction out of me in the beginning. but then I watched some video essay on the matter and I grew more accustomed to the feel of it and became interested in the though process behind it instead. first video I watched on the topic was about an interpretation of the show through an autistic perspective and the other was a.. I believe a 3 or 4 hours video making an overview on the whole lore behind it.

I’m not very interested in “finding out what does this all mean” or anything of the sort. I’m just here for the cosplays xD no but really, people are so inventive! and they make merchandise and dolls and drawings and full on costumes all on their own! that’s creative as fuck! and it’s unsettling and evocative at the same time. I’m baffled by everyone’s talents and I’m merely wishing to be as good as them ahah.

5. dune & the hunger games :

not sure how this happened. I have read the latter series but not the first, I don’t have time for that. but I can digest a movie or two and the visuals are very interesting to me! also I am a bene gesserit simp and I hate them and their ways in equal measure. idk why but that’s how it is. similarly, I want to see how the cast for the prequel of hunger games does! I’ve heard the lovely viola davis is in it and I’m thrilled to see her being unhinged :D

but mostly, I re-evaluated the entire hunger game trilogy by reading meta posts and fics exploring the story from different perspective in the past and this new movie reignited the interest for the time being, so I’m excited to give it a try! dune, on the other hand, is new for me and it’s helping me bond with my dad on our shared love for sci-fi. what’s not to love??

6. succession :

I’m honestly not sure about this one. I plan to look more into it but idk when I will have the time ahah. if nothing it will entertain me with rich people drama which is always obnoxiously fun to tap into when capitalism fucks me over one way or another. we will see!

thank you for letting me talk into the void xD hope you have a great day yourself!

[indefenseofkara]

MWII Operator headcanons: Specgru edition

Hello! I think the multi-player operators deserve more love, so here are some headcanons for the base Spegru team. This doesn’t included people who were in the campaign because there’s plenty of stuff about them already. The pictures are just screenshots of my game, lol.

Jesus “Chuy” Ordaz

(the COD blog post I’m getting some of these full names from says his first name is Manuel, but his bio says Jesus?)

has terrible handwriting

but as my poetry instructor once said, “the worse the handwriting, the better the work”

and he does write poetry

been through a lot, but still a romantic at heart

really great with kids

Gustavo “Gus” Rodriguez

you could not pay this man to shave his mustache

once he grew that mustache, he knew he could never go back

looks like a literal baby when shaved clean, like people will start asking "who let that preteen in here?"

really proud of his career and the fact that he gets to work with Special Forces since he’s not military (because technically there was no military for him to join)

will not bring up surfing, but has a bunch of cool surfing videos ready to go at a moment's notice. you know, just in case

Zhiqiang “Zimo” Wong

precious bean, i love him

cinnamon roll but serious

doesn't mean he can't be brutal, he is a soldier

kind of intense overall, which intimidates some people

really cherishes platonic relationships

movie buff who might smack you if you say you don’t watch foreign films because you don’t like reading subtitles

Kleópatros “Kleo” Gavras

(fuck, I accidentally deleted my notes on her. :( I’m sorry Kleo, I have to wing it!)

likes to dress up. will put on a whole fit and makeup just to hang around the house every once and a while

it's a nice contrast to her usual military get up

good at every sport

also very good a chess

Nila “Nova” Brown

really great eyesight

misses flying, tbh. jumps at the chance to do some piloting for a mission

seriously considered becoming an astronaut

worked with Kortac briefly, but changed to Specgru as soon as her initial contract was up

(that one’s a deep dive for anyone who remembers that she was a Kortac operator during the beta)

Sobiesław “Gromsko” Kościuszko

Polish pride (idk, everyone I know who is Polish or has Polish heritage is very proud of that)

plays some quirky instrument like the accordion or keytar or hurdy-gurdy

uses reading glasses

knits. while wearing the reading glasses. looks like a literal grandmother

Enzo “Reyes”

will never admit it as a proud Canadian, but he doesn't like hockey

a Swiftie

flirts with everyone

pansexual, so no one is safe

(that's a joke)

(I'm not trying to do the "bi/pan people are sluts" thing)

(I just think this man is attractive and charismatic)

(and wants to share that with the world)

(blame the Valentine's day skin)

Tse “Luna” Míngzhū

really amicable

will actually hit you up after saying "we should hang out some time!"

loves attending sporting events and cheers very loudly

it's not mentioned in her bio, but she grew up in Virginia, near Washington DC, so 9/11 probably had a big impact on her and her career choice

(pulling on my own experience for that one)

(not job experience, but growing up in DC suburbs when 9/11 happened experience)

lots of frustration with generic military gear because it's all way too big on her

Thanks for reading! My Kortac headcanon post can be found here.

[ruershrimo]

genshin impact x reader: spending time with genshin characters, but with different songs from my spotify playlist

features noelle, bennett, sucrose, eula, kaeya (diluc was supposed to be here but I don’t know how to write him well + I don’t really like him)

warnings: very short, not proofread for sucrose’s part, bennett’s one is short I am so sorry, please help me choose different songs if I wrote them with songs that didn’t fit them, fluff (edit from sep 2023: although I don't write romantic works for characters who seem to be minors, like noelle and bennett, I won't delete them since I wrote them at a time when I was still did so. you can read the "rules before requesting" section here where I explain it a little)

notes: everyday my writing style changes, I might make an angstier version of this, remember that one post where I said I was writing something for sucrose? I made it shorter and put it here boom, my proofreader (she proofread the whole thing before I did sucrose’s part) was a lovely friend of mine who is not on tumblr

noelle: my kind of woman (if anyone has a better song suggestion for this, please tell me, because I wrote it with the song in mind but I still feel like the writing doesn’t really match with the song.)

You had known noelle ever since the two of you were children. She had always wished to join the knights. You always viewed her as your knight in shining armour or your guardian angel who was always protecting you from children who bullied you, or her kind personality and hardworking nature. So, it was safe to assume that you were shocked when you first found out that she had failed the knights’ entrance exam.

Then, you told her to go try again, and she failed again as well. Then, she tried it again. She also failed that time.

By the time she had failed it again after five consecutive tries, it was almost impossible for her to become a knight at that point.

“I really don’t know… I keep trying, and yet I can never become a knight,” she sighed, while she confided in you, burying her tear-soaked face in her hands. “I really don’t know anymore…”

“…why won’t you be even more stubborn? The world needs more people like you, and I of all people would know that,” you paused, wrapping your arms around her. “Sure, the knights might need more maids, but you’re still noelle. You’re my noelle, who’s irreplaceable, kind, hardworking, deserves to be a knight more than anything else and has the strength, willpower and determination within herself to be able to become a true knight. I know you, and I know that you will return to face the entrance exam yet again and be stronger, until you’re strong enough to conquer it,” you spoke, hoping that this would soothe her. You hated seeing her sad, and you knew that she would be able to become a knight someday. She would always comfort you when you were little, and now it was your turn to comfort her.

Was it enough, though? You knew you had to go further in order to make her smile again.

“I…” words started to tumble out of your mouth. Words of adoration, admiration and love spilled out of you, with you accidentally declaring your love for her while trying to cheer her up. “I love you. You know, noelle, you’ve always been there for me, and you’ve always protected me from the things that hurt me. I’m sure that once you become a knight -it's a question of when, but not if…- you’ll be a brilliant one, no doubt, and the world will fall in love with you, but… I’ll be in love with you just a little more.”

Your words took her aback, as she retracted her head from you. There was red on her cheek that even she couldn’t tell whether they were from her tears or her flustered state, before she hid her face in your chest again and retreated to being in your arms.

“I love you too,” you could hear her whisper, ever so softly, to the fabric of your clothes, and she realised that she now had a new motive to become a knight, one which should have been her true reason to join them all along: you.

bennett: hey lover

Your story of puppy love can be captured through more-than-platonic hugs, continuous trip-ups while the other is around, the warmth on each others’ cheeks when he talks to you and promises to love each other no matter what. With letters to each other which bursted with affection and fondness, to cacophonous but adorable giggles echoing throughout the places you spent time in together. It’s a story told with the simple tale of two friends realising that their relationship might be able to be taken to a different level.

Bennett knows that he is unlucky, he has always known so. However, with you around, he has a lucky charm, the one that is you. You were always his good sign, since you were always able to make him feel like his luck was getting better with you next to him anyway.

And why wouldn’t he feel that way? His whole life had been riddled with disaster and curses, but one of the only good things that stayed, was you. Just like how you never cared about his bad luck and loved him for that regardless, he would never care if you were beautiful or not, or anything of the sort. He loved you, and that was all to be said.

So although Bennett is bound to a curse that makes him a catastrophic force, the force that makes him feel lucky, even on the unluckiest of days, is you.

sucrose: something stupid

Just like her anemo vision would suggest, she was like a breath of fresh air whenever she spoke of her passions. While she did, all you were able to do was watch her ramble on and on to you. Oh well, you didn’t mind it one bit, after all. It was wonderful to finally meet someone like her, whose view of freedom laid in their charisma and exuberance in their work.

The harmless sweetie’s saccharine antics and her presence continuously helped you push on through the beginning of your career, with her kindness and consideration always assisting you in both your life-related and work-related endeavours. With a cup of tea after a long day at work when you visited her at the crafting table, to her going out of her way to give a warming bottle to you during missions in Dragonspine (courtesy of albedo, who taught her to make said tools in the first place), to her specially brewing a concoction whenever you were sick. You tried and still try to return her love with gifts that remind you of her from different, more dangerous places in Mondstadt, to making her coffee every morning so that she starts the day well before you go off to do your work.

When you first met the green-haired bio-alchemist, you knew she was destined for large things that some people could only dream of doing and accomplishing in her field. What you did not expect, however, was for the two of you to have an unlikely friendship.

Your first meeting took place during work for the Knights of Favonius, which was where you had decided to go in order to pursue your dreams. You were only a mere recruit of the Reconnaissance Company then, who had joined in hopes of filling up a more important spot in the Knights of Favonius Reconnaissance Company.

You had been ordered by your superiors to scout the borders of Mondstadt and carry out a thorough investigation on anyone who was about to visit Mondstadt and to protect any passers by from monsters.

That was when you had met sucrose.

Right before you were about to leave your designated area, you caught a glance of a minty-haired fair lady with a somewhat shy demeanor. She had black-rimmed glasses, and the sweetest and most winsome amber irises you had ever laid your own eyes upon.

Just as you wanted to reprimand her for investigation and to warn her that there were monsters nearby, you noticed that she was wearing a knights of favonius alchemist uniform, with the knights of favonius’ signature crest on it. You then walked towards her in hopes of learning about her identity. At least that would mean that you would have a friend.

“Miss, who are you and what are you doi-…”

You felt the heat rush to your face the moment she turned at you. Why did she have to look even more beautiful up close?

However, she frantically withdrew from you and ran away at the speed of lightning, and all you could do was wonder if she was scared before attempting to find her. Had you scared her off?

Once you found her hiding behind a large rock, she introduced herself as sucrose and you spoke about yourself as well. You then proposed that you two were to head back to Mondstadt together, with you being able to protect her due to your prowess in combat and she would make special medicines for you to have if you were hurt too badly.

And the rest was history.

eula: for once in my life

For once in her life, she had someone who didn’t hate her before knowing her. You weren’t from mondsdadt, but instead were a researcher from the nation of wisdom, sumeru. If she were to make an educated guess, being a sumerian was probably one of the reasons you knew not to judge her before truly knowing her like others did, even before she was accepted by the knights of favonius. She seemed to have also guessed that you would leave her the more she spoke of the vengeance she would exact upon you, but you could easily understand that those were just the unique jokes of hers that she used to shield herself from the insults which were hurled at her because of her bloodline. You could also understand that she used those jokes to cope with her loneliness.

You met her when you gasped, as you were hanging from a cliff, with one of your hands holding your research and the other clinging to your life. You had been attacked by several monsters, who, fortunately, you were able to beat with all of your strength, as you weren’t an experienced fighter. However, you were found by some treasure hoarders who wanted to steal what you held in your hands, but you resisted and tried to keep the research to yourself. Knowing the treasure hoarders, they most likely wanted your research in the elements for their own selfish purposes, like to enhance the potioneers’ solutions.

Suddenly, as you thought you would finally have to give in, a force struck that speedily defeated all of them in one go. There was a blue-haired woman who fought like a dancer with grace and elegance. She wielded a brutish greatsword, which was a stark contrast to her royal-like demeanour.

“Who are you?” you questioned, tentatively.

She stood in silence for a second. How did you not know her name?

“…Eula Lawrence.”

“Oh…from the Lawrence clan? I haven’t really delved that much into Mondstadt’s history, but I think I have my facts straight.”

This is where it will happen, she thought. Another person who saw her as “Lawrence” instead of eula.

“Y’know…knowing how people act after ages of tyranny from all of those history books, Mondstadt probably doesn’t treat you well, right?” you continued. You just wanted to state what you thought at that point, so you supposed that this so-called “bluntness” would be alright for her to handle. “But, you’re a hero, in my eyes, at least. You just saved my life.”

She was surprised by your statement, believing that people would always judge her for her last name instead of her given one.

“Fine, but due to your statement, I believe that when the time comes for you to face my vengeance, you will have it in a relatively less painful way, outlander,” she frowned, though you could tell that she didn’t exactly mean the “vengeance” part.

“…You know, if mondstadt ever warms up to you, do you think you’ll join the knights? I think you’d fit the position, since - y’know, you’re a hero.”

At that moment, she realised that for once in her life, she might have finally met someone who would need and love her, and that person was you.

kaeya: just the two of us

He loves you like how he loves wine. Exquisite, unique and he could find himself being with wine at any time and still finding that it has the same charm and beauty to it everywhere. From a local tavern, to an upscale party, just like you do. You are wonderful, just like wine, and he thinks that he’s curiously delighted by the fact that you and wine are his two favourite things in his world. However, there is a difference between you and the wine he fancies. Instead of letting him run away, he has to face his past, and the very person who he is, formed by a series of masks and lies hiding unpleasant, inconvenient truths when he is with you, but he finds himself coming back to you ever so often, even visiting you more than the tavern sometimes. Because now, the truth is that he’d be willing to face those things with you by his side. Unlike wine, you accompany him in his mental perils by actually helping him, instead of assisting him in running off like a coward. Though you and wine are very similar, unlike wine, he might just love you a lot more.

“Oh, don’t you look stunning?” he smirked at you once he visited you at your home.

You rolled your eyes in response, bringing him to the sofa, just like how you always did.

“But anyways, why did you come this time?”

“Oh, shouldn’t a person be naturally inclined to visit their gorgeous lover?”

With heat rapidly flushing in your cheeks, you replied, “What was the actual reason? It’s too late for your games, and you’re lucky that you’re cute.”

“Alright,” he sighed. “It’s one of those days.”

“Oh…” you rushed to his side to check on him before giving him a long, tight hug. “Well then, spill - if you want to.”

You knew that you always had to be there for him, and you would do it again at any time. He would do the same for you, two.

After all, it was just the two of you against the world.

[miastideclock]

Stray Kids Reaction To Their Relationships Accidentally Going Public

@babybouille​ asked

Hi there ~ ! I saw that your request are open ? If possible can I please have a skz reaction for when their relationship with their s/o accidently goes public ? Thanks :)

-

Can do, love!

Word Count: 4,6k Warnings: sorry this took so long, not really a warning bUT YOU GET IT

Bang Chan

“What kind of spoiler? You will see it later. Recently what has everyone been up to these days? I’ve been working out a lot. Like, I’ve been eating salads. I want to build up my body-” Chan answered as he read the questions out loud.

Chan and Felix were sat on each their chair in Chan’s studio, talking to the fans via Chan’s weekly livestream. However, you had completely forgotten this. As you and Chan had been dating for almost six months, you probably should know this by now, but what can you do. 

You knocked gently before opening the door, instantly closing it back up when you saw what they were doing. Luckily, the camera was at such an angle that you couldn’t see the door. 

Chan jumped in his seat, as did Felix. “Hold on one moment you guys, I just need to mute our mic for a second.” The older Aussie spoke into the camera before clicking a few buttons. Chan then got out halfway out of frame, to the point where you could just see from the waist down on the left side of his body. From where he was standing, he could reach the door, so he opened it back up to find you standing there with a sheepish smile on your face. 

“I am so sorry! I completely forgot!” You instantly apologized to both your boyfriend and your friend. As you leaned gently to the side to see past Chan, Felix chuckled, waving it off saying it was an honest mistake. “Did anyone see me?”

Even though you and Chan had dated as long as you had, the public had yet to find out. Originally, Chan was under a strict dating-ban, but after a few weeks of convincing, the management agreed to let you date, but only if you kept it a secret, and if you worked at the company. That way no one would be suspicious of you entered and left the building at free will. 

“No, no one saw you babe- we’re good.” Chan chuckled and leaned forward to kiss you, jokingly making kissy noises as he came closer, mostly to gross out Felix, but also because the two of you genuinely found it funny to act like those super-gross couples. 

“I just wanted to let you know that I’m headed to the store, you boys want anything?” You asked, but as both the boys said no, their phones started vibrating like crazy. Felix grabbed his from the table they were sitting at, his face first confused, then a look of panic struck him. He instantly motioned for you and your boyfriend to be quiet as he grabbed the mouse and started clicking around the screen. He ended the live. 

“Mate. You didn’t mute yourself.” Felix breathed once Chan asked what all the commotion was about. Chan’s blood ran cold as he realized what that meant. You instantly pulled out your phone and went to the VLIVE app to see the ending of their stream, and sure enough. Kissy sounds, loving nicknames, Felix saying you were cute together. It was all there. 

“I guess we’re official then?” Chan sighed as he looked at you, scared of how you would react.

“Oh thank god!”

Lee Know

“You excited for the set tonight?” You asked softly as you sat on your boyfriends lap. He gently brushed his hands through your hair as he hummed a reply. 

“Yeah, it has been so long it feels like. But when you really do the math it really isn’t that bad.” Minho replied, the playing of your hair never stopping. You had enjoyed having your boyfriend to yourself for a while, but you knew how much he loved working and being on stage, so you didn’t mind giving him up to his members for a while.

You and Minho had been dating for about a year at this point, but you had yet to go public. The only people who knew were his members, and their management team. Or so you thought.

“Hyung, don’t kill me!” Seungmin ran over to the couch you were sat on in the greenroom, his make-up perfectly done and his outfit matching Minho’s. Minho sat up straighter, making you look up from where you had your face nuzzled into his chest. 

“Then don’t give me a reason?” Minho spoke, asking more than anything. Seungmin looked genuinely panicked, and you soon grew concerned for the boy. You had seen him get worried over dumb things before, but never like this. 

“I posted on Instagram. I didn’t see until I read the comments, but by then it was too late- I deleted it, but the fans are too fast.” He stumbled over his words and stuttered, almost as if he had just ran a marathon. 

“Seungmin, calm down. What was it about the picture?” Minho was now also concerned for the well-being of his member, genuinely worried he would have an anxiety attack. 

“You and Y/N are in it.” He breathed and showed you his phone. The screen showed his selfie, very cute picture. But if you zoomed in, you could see you and your boyfriend, cuddling, being mid-kiss. Unluckily for you, the quality was good enough to where you could definitely tell it was Minho. 

You inhaled a sharp breath of air, and instinctively looked to see Minho’s reactions- but it was impossible to read him. Was he happy? Stressed? Angry? Sad? Even with a gun to your head, you couldn’t give an answer. 

“I mean..” He started, not sounding very upset. “If it’s already out there, management can’t really force us to keep it a secret anymore, right?” He asked Seungmin what his opinion on the matter was, but he was at a loss for words. You had to side with Seungmin on this one, as it was a thing anyone would be angry at. 

When all Seungmin could do was stutter out inaudible sounds, Minho turned to one of the managers that had just entered the room. “Am I in trouble?” He asked calmly, and much to everyone's surprise, the manager shook his head. 

“No, but just meet with us in the conference room when we get back, so we can talk about where you can go and stuff.” He said, making you and Minho nod.

“That went well.”

Changbin

You smiled slightly as you smelled the freshly popped popcorn, the salty and buttery smell filling your nose. While humming gently to yourself as you poured the snacks out of the bag and into a bowl, bopping your head to the beat you heard in your head. “Blurry lines, yeah-yeah. So many, so many-” But you cut yourself off as you heard your show begin in the living room. You softly squealed and ran with the popcorn and your drink.

Your boyfriend Changbin and his group was going on a talk show, and you were so excited to see it. You always loved their live interviews as they always felt more charismatic when nothing was edited out.

“Tonight on Late Later Latest with Bentley™, Stray Kids! Welcome!” The host greeted the boys. They did their intro and got started. The host asked her usual questions, how promotion was going, how it felt being such an up-and-coming group etc etc. After the general questions, she asked more individual question, asking Minho about his dancing (Nat Geo), Felix and Chan about their life in Australia and so on. When she finally went to Changbin, you felt your heart beat proudly. 

You had originally asked management if you could come to the audience of the talk-show and watch, but they sadly denied your request as people might get suspicious. You and Changbin had been dating since forever, but the public didn’t know yet. Management had agreed to let you keep dating, but only if they could expose your relationship at any given moment for promotion purposes. At first you were disgusted with their demands, but you soon understood where they came from, and agreed. 

“So Changbin, what would you say motivates your writing the most?” The host asked, giving him a smile as she did so. 

Changbin nodded and answered, not giving his answer enough thought. “Well, mostly my girlf-” but he cut himself off. “uuh- my members? Maybe my fans?” He stumbled over his words, trying to hide his original answer, but it was too late.

“Were you gonna say girlfriend?” The host asked him in kind of a humoring tone. Changbin then sighed and nodded, this making you choke on your popcorn, sending a few pieces flying as you coughed. You did not expect him to expose your relationship for the whole world to see, this fine Thursday afternoon. 

“Yeah. I guess I have to come clean now, don’t I? Y/N, please don’t kill me.” He sheepishly smiled into the camera and gave you a slight wave, causing you to smile back at him and wave gently, not realizing he couldn’t see you. You then let your and fall into your lap as you giggled at your now public boyfriend.

Hyunjin

While almost skipping, you made your way down the hallway. Taking turn after turn and up and down hallways and staircases, you finally found what you had been looking for. The loud music gave it away instantly as you entered the room.

in the middle of the floor, looking at himself dancing in the mirror, stood your boyfriend Hyunjin. “Hi baby!” He grinned when he saw you stood there by the door. He stopped dancing and hurried over to you and picked you up to spin you around. “I missed you!”

You had been out of town for about three weeks, so it was with good reason he said what he did. 

“Am I interrupting anything?” You quickly asked, praying that he would say no. He shook his head while copying your grin, finally placing you back on the ground. You took that opportunity to get on your tippy-toes and give him a kiss.

You and Hyunjin had been dating for just under nine months at this point, and your relationship was still as blooming as if was only a few weeks ago you went on your first date. 

At first, you had been forbidden to date, as his idol-contract came with pretty serious and strict rules, but after sneaking around for about half a year, the company finally gave up and let you do whatever you wanted. Hyunjin’s managers were all surprised when you let them know that neither of you wanted to take the relationship public, at least not to begin with. So all the secrecy was completely your own ideas. Hyunjin’s members also agreed to keep you a secret for now, respecting you and Hyunjin’s decisions.

“Would they mind if I stole you for a day date? I was thinking maybe taking you on a picnic right now, and then after we could go to the fair?” You suggested, already having the picnic basket ready in your car parked outside.

“I already told them I would be occupied the day you came home. I just gotta send this to our editor, and he can work his magic or something!” Hyunjin let you know, letting go of your waist to run over to the camera propped up on a tripod. He had been filming a dance practise, something he did every once in a while. 

He clicked the camera and then sat down on the floor next to the laptop the camera was wired to, clicking a few more buttons. After that he cleared out the room, and you were on your way. 

The date was nice, you and Hyunjin catching up, even though you had spoken on the phone every single night while you were away. However, mid-date, Hyunjin got a phone call from his leader. As it was just Chan, he put it on speaker so you could listen in too.

“Hyung! What’s up?” He asked casually, after he had placed the phone back down on the blanket. 

“Hyunjin- did you mean to post that? Cause if yes- hella cute. If not? I’m so sorry, mate.” Bang Chan’s voice was slightly static as he was talking through a phone after all, but that wasn’t what made his statement confusing. 

“What are you talking about?” Both you and Hyunjin said at the same time.

“Oh, Y/N, fitting that you’re here too. But you posted the uncut version of your dance practice to our VLIVE instead of sending it to the editor. Everything is there.. Everything.” He spoke slowly, trying to make sure you and your boyfriend truly understood the consequences.

You looked over at Hyunjin for a second, him being just as confused as you were- all before he looked like he had touched a hot plate, his face lighting up in a grimace. 

“You! You’re in the video! We kiss! And say dating! sHIT-” He started panicking. 

“Baby- slow down. I don’t care if you don’t. Maybe it was time for us to go public anyways- we couldn’t have kept it a secret the rest of our lives, right? I love you, you love me- we can do this.” You spoke in a tone to try to calm him down.

“Yeah, I do love you. We’ll figure it out.” He replied after letting out a sigh of relief. You then leaned in to kiss him but was cut off by someone you had forgotten long ago.

“Awwww, you guys! That was so cu-” BEEP. Hyunjin quickly hung up on Chan even though he was mid-sentence, going back to kissing you.

Han

“Please don’t ever get a mustache.” You chuckled as you gently stroked the fake beard glued to your boyfriends upper lip. He chuckled as he returned the favor, gently pulling on your fake grandma-glasses.

“I would say the same about your outfit, but I don’t know. This whole grandma look is growing on me.” He joked, you swatting away his hand as he did so. 

“You’re weird.” You laughed at him.

You were currently sat in a boot at a restaurant, trying to enjoy a good meal with your boyfriend. As you still weren’t known to the public yet, despite having dated for almost a year- you had to play dress up. 

You were sat in a dated dress you could find in any grandmother's closet, matched with a shawl draped over your head and granny glasses, covering as much of your face as possible. Your other half was in a suit, distorting his true body-type, a fake mustache and a hat. 

“I don’t know, I preferred the costume where you dressed as a woman.” You snickered, making Jisung roll his eyes and chuckle with you. 

This was in no way shape or form the first time you had dressed up to go out, but it had been some time since the last time you did it. His company didn’t necessarily have anything against your dating, as long as you kept it lowkey. You could go public if you so wished, but if you did- you couldn’t go on dates on massively crowded spots. 

“I liked the one where you were not only a man, but a biker!” Jisung cackled at that one. But before he could say anything else, you both noticed a flash of light in the distance. Your first thought was lightning, but as you were inside a shopping centre, you doubted it.

As you both turned to the source of the light, you saw not only one, but two paparazzis standing by the entrance of the restaurant, taking your pictures.

You then quickly looked up at each other, and then making a run for the door, trying to hide your faces as much as you could. 

Once you made it outside, Jisung grabbed your hand as you still ran, trying to drag you after him. You couldn’t help but laugh at the situation, as it would have to look ridiculous to anyone else. An old couple running at full speed down the shopping mall, as if they were being chased by the police? Iconic. 

Your laugh soon infected Jisung causing him to laugh too, one hand on his hat, the other in yours.

Felix

“Okay, so- No! I’m not impostor- I’m down by electrical!” Felix defended himself as he spoke into the mic, discussing with the other players on Discord.

Felix was twitch streaming as he and some of his personal friends played Among Us. They also opted to use Discord rather than the chat that came with the game, when they were discussing. 

“Nah, Felix sus! You know you can vent from electrical to medbay, and then you’re in cafeteria in two seconds, giving you plenty of time to kill cyan, and then leave!” One of his friends argued, prompting you to say something. 

“No, I saw Felix do a garbage-task earlier, he safe.” You backed him. You hadn’t actually seen him to a task, but he seemed like he needed some help. 

You loved playing with Felix and his friends, but you preferred it when they weren’t Twitch streaming. You were always scared to mess up, or let words slip. Words like babe, honey, or boyfriend. As you and your boyfriend Felix had decided to let the world think you were only friends, it made things a bit more difficult, gaming wise. 

You had been dating for just over half a year at this point. His idol-company had asked you to date in secret for a while, just to see if it would work out before you announced it to the world- something you completely understood, as it was quite a mess to clean if you had a nasty break.

However, the past few weeks, you and Felix found yourself catching yourself almost revealing it by accident. At this point, you found it tiresome to keep the secret, wanting to spread it to the world so you could adore your boyfriend in public. 

“Oh damn. Unless Felix and Y/N are impostor together!” Felix’s friend tried once again, but just as you had done previously you defended both you and your boyfriend.

“Eject confirmations are on. Danny was clearly the other impostor you dimwit.” You chuckled into your mic, making him groan.

“No, sorry- you’re right. Sorry Felix.” He apologized, prompting Felix to thank you for backing him, but along those lines, a certain word accidentally slipped his lips.

“Thanks, babe.” 

As soon as the words had left his lips, the chat grew quiet, no one knowing if they were allowed to speak, or if Felix wanted to try and save his mistake. One of your monitors showed Felix’s stream which also happened to show his stream-chat, it going completely nuts.

xxemogirlxx: DID HE SAY BABE?

changbinishawt: IS Y/N HIS GIRLFRIEND?

falixlaa: omg i knew they were dating

And so on, and so forth. You found yourself in complete shock as you leaned back in your chair, your mouth wide open. 

“Oh, screw it. Yes, Y/N is my girlfriend, and we’ve been together for a while. I’m also impostor while we’re at it.” He said, the relief in his voice prominent. As he spoke the last words, he ran over to his friend in MedBay and killed him, finishing the game.

The discord went crazy, all eight of Felix and you’s friends rioting.

“How does it feel being completely out to the world, Y/N?” You were asked by Danny.

“Feels great.”

Seungmin

“I’m really sorry, I’m already late for the meeting!” Your boyfriend, Seungmin apologized as he repeatedly kissed your cheeks, nose and forehead, finally landing on your lips. 

“Go on! Have fun, and say hi to the boys from me would you?” You giggled and tried to squirm your way out of his hug. He finally released you, but not fully as he slid his hands down your arms and intertwined your fingers, slowly stepping away as he did so. 

“Of course! Love you.” He smiled as he finally let go of your hand, but kept his walk backwards. 

You were inside the company building at this point, so you didn’t need to worry if anyone saw you. You smiled at him and waved slightly until he turned a corner and was out of sight. 

You and Seungmin had been dating for exactly six months, it being the reason for your date- to celebrate your anniversary. The company did have some words to say about your relationship in the beginning, but after a while they backed off and let you have your fun. 

Once you were sure he was gone, you made your way out of the building and down to the bus-stop waiting for the next scheduled bus. Two girls were sat at the bus-stop already, waiting for the same bus as you probably. They seemed to have a weird look at you, but you ignored it 

Maybe they had seen you and Seungmin enter the building! or maybe you just had gum on your pants? You decided to not give it too much thought. It was only a two minute wait, so before you knew it, you had your headphones plugged in and your phone in your hand. You were about to press the Spotify app, but soon noticed you had received a notification from VLIVE a few minutes ago.

You grew confused as the title didn’t mention any specific members hosting the live, but you clicked it nonetheless. 

Your headphones were soon filled with the cheers and rioting of your boyfriends band members, having the time of their lives as some sat on the couch, and some on the floor. You did however fail to spot Seungmin in the crowd, making you a tad bit confused, but reckoned there was a reason for it. A reason you and about 1.2 million others soon found out.

Just as the boys calmed down and Minho opened his mouth to talk, the door at the very left of the screen opened and revealed a distressed Seungmin. 

“Sorry I’m late, I was on my anniversary date with Y/N-” He started, not realizing the live had already started. The boys tried to save him as they started yelling once they saw where the sentence was going, but it was too late.

You felt your heart drop as you moved faster than lightning to tap the screen so you could see the comments. They were going crazy, everyone trying to figure out who you were, and if they had seen you before. 

“Damn it. Well, sorry STAY- I do in fact have a girlfriend, and we would much appreciate it if you didn’t go trying to look for her, or harass her in any comment section. Thank you.” Seungmin asked directly to the camera, the comments instantly flooding with nothing but love and support for their faves and their significant others. 

After the live was over, you found yourself smiling to yourself, happy that no one came with any mean comments. 

As you were on your way to collect your bag and push the stop button on the bus, you accidentally made eye-contact with the two girls who were sharing headphones. They looked you up and down once more before their eyes lit up, almost if they realized. 

Fear instantly washed over you, but it was soon gone as they raised their hands and waved and sent you little finger hearts, showing that they supported you. You softly waved back and stepped off the bus.

I.N

You were walking around a store downtown, minding your own business, having taken yourself out on a date. Your boyfriend, Jeongin was unable to join you as he had an early morning practice. You didn’t mind though, it had been a while since you got some time to yourself.

You and Jeongin had officially been dating for ten months circa, meaning you were already well into the relationship. His managers never really had anything against it as you seemed to follow all the company rules anyways. 

Looking at the items in the thrift-shop you were in, a ring caught your eye, instantly making you think of Jeongin. You decided to give him a call to see if the ring was something he liked, and if you should bring it home for him. 

The ringing of the FaceTime was short before he picked up, lighting up the whole screen with his massive smile. “Hi babe!” He beamed. You quickly greeted him and asked if he was busy. When he revealed he had a few minutes to spare, you flipped the camera so he could see what you were looking at.

“I saw this ring and thought it would suit you so well! It’s not too bold, and just large enough to make a statement. Would you wear it if I bought it for you?” You asked him as you showed him every angle of the ring, even how it looked on you. 

“Oh I love it! It would go well with so many outfits too. You really know your stuff.” He complimented and chuckled. You spoke for a few more minutes before you felt a tap on your shoulder.

“Excuse me?” You whipped around as they spoke to you, the voice belonging to a girl around maybe fourteen years old. You gently placed the screen of your phone against your stomach, not necessarily to hide your boyfriends face, but to be respectful towards the person you spoke to.

“Can I help you?” You asked as politely as you could. The girl soon waved over her friends who were scattered around the store, making them all step over to you.

“How do you know our oppa?” The first girl asked, almost sounding angry as she spoke. You shot her a confused glance, genuinely not knowing what she was talking about.

“I’m sorry- do I know you?” You asked, in case it was the little sister of one of your friends.

“No, you don’t. But I saw your phone and you are talking to our I.N-oppa!” She was almost throwing a tantrum at this point, and you had no idea what to say or do. You tried stuttering out a reply, but you found your mouth gaping and closing, like the one of a fish. 

Muffles sounds suddenly came from your stomach, making both you and the girl look to your phone. You gently pulled it back out so you could see the screen. “Y/N, babe! Let me talk to them okay?” He suggested, having heard the entire conversation. You turned your phone around, but you didn’t let the girl hold it on her own, scared that she would run off with it. 

“Hi! Nice to meet you! I’m Jeongin, and this lovely girl you are talking to is a good friend of mine, so I would really love it if you stopped being upset with her, and rather left her alone, okay?” Jeongin spoke to the girls, trying his best to come across as kind and sweet, even though he hated how they had treated you. 

“Of course! But.. Is she your girlfriend?” The main girl asked, causing you to shake your head no, at the same time Jeongin sighed and confirmed you were. You felt your breath hitch and a smile creep up on your face.

“She is, but since we’re best friends now, you guys won’t tell anyone right?” He continued in the same baby-ing voice. Almost all of the girls agreed. All but one.

“Too late? I am so sorry!” She started sheepish, and ended in a panic. Apparently she had been filming the conversation and instead of stopping the filming when Jeongin asked them to keep it a secret, she had stumbled and uploaded it to twitter istead. Posting it to her hundreds and thousands of followers already. 

Both you and Jeongin stood there silently for a second before you flipped the phone around and agreed that you should stop by the company building to do some damage control.

“I’ll see you there. Love you, bye.” You said and hung up. You gave the girls a half-assed smile and picked up the ring to go pay.

That took so long I am genuinely so so so so so sorry x

I hope you liked it tho!

-Bentley

[beautifulletdownfics]

‘someday, someday’ :: tumblr edition, #24

(Reposting in 2022 bc I accidentally deleted this chapter :) curse the mass post editor) 

++

Nina woke up in stages.

It was just after eleven in the morning and I wondered what she was seeing as her eyelids fluttered while still saying closed. Finally, there was one deep breath and she squinted into consciousness. I watched her blink at her bedroom ceiling a few times before I spoke. 

“Morning,” I smiled, leaning over to kiss her good cheek once. The bruising around her eye had turned a muggy yellow over the last thirty-six hours and the redness around her stitches was finally receding. The colours were light enough now that she would be able to hide most of the bruising with makeup and clever hair placement.

“I slept in,” She replied, her arms appearing out from under the covers as she reached her hands up to stretch. 

“Yeah, you did. We both did, don't worry.” I grabbed the fingers of the hand closest to me, pulled it across my chest and worked about anchoring Nina into my side again. She was wearing a t-shirt she hadn't been when we fell asleep, and I tried not to think too much on why that was something she needed to do, to wake up in the middle of the night and cover herself.

“Is it late?” She asked, all eyelashes and pink cheeks and beautifully chapped lips.

“Still acceptable,” I reasoned, ghosting my fingers around the exposed skin of her collarbone where the shirt was too big for her. "A bit passed eleven."

“Hmm, I’m hungry,” She leant her head further back against the pillows and closed her eyes for a moment, rolling onto her side and opening them up for me again. My fingers skimmed the warm, smooth skin around her neck. 

“Hungry, you say,” I quirked an eyebrow, bringing my hands down to her hips.

She blushed and my laugh was instantaneous, “I’m a bit sore.”

I grinned and nudged my nose into the crook of her neck, “Good sore though, yeah?”

“Well, I dunno, Harry,” Nina had her silly voice on, the one I was still getting used to getting from her so freely. I adored it. “Yes.”

I squeezed her legs with mine, “Can't say I'm particularly sorry”

She hummed, curling her toes against my calves. Physical intimacy with Nina felt like nothing else before it had.

“The other's are up, I had a cuppa with Rodger earlier,” I kissed just below her ear and then reared back to look at her face again.

“You got up without me?”

I squinted, earning a small giggle, “You were dead to the world, love.”

“You three wouldn't let me go to bed any earlier!” She reached over to her bedside table and I moved off her, letting her lean enough to reach the bottle of water waiting there for her.

The night before Nina and I had come over to her house and made everyone dinner. It ended up being late-night drinking with Rodger and Max gossiping and her flatmates teasing the two of us for our new relationship. It felt good being with Nina in front of them, and I felt her ease into being how we were alone while the boys were there.

Nina's phone pinged from the table just as she put the water back, and when she lay back down she held the phone up to her face for a few moments and I watched as her eyes went wide at something she read. Then, biting her lip, she typed furiously, I watched with an amused smile on my face, “Who said what?”

She clutched the phone to her chest and looked at me with a fresh blush across her cheeks, “Rodger, and it's nothing.”

I laughed and reached out to try to see the message, “Nothing? Really?”

Her grip tightened around the phone but I pulled her fingers apart easily, flipping it over so I could read the screen that was open on her messages to Rodger, “Let’s see."

Get Harry to put his dick back in his pants and get your arses down here. Max is trying to make breakfast. He’s cracked an egg down between the fridge and the wall. FML

I rolled my eyes, typing a reply, “What a rude twat.”

Her hand came out and covered my fingers, “What are you writing back!”

I frowned at the screen, "I'm telling him he's a rude twat."

She fisted a hand and shakily punched my shoulder, “Idiot ... He's right though, we need to get up.”

I frowned and dug my arm across her tummy, “No.”

“Yes,” She sucked in a breath and watched me quietly.

“You nervous about tonight?” I whispered.

Nina quietened at my words, her face becoming pensive and worryingly thoughtful, “Yes.”

I trod carefully, halting my thoughts quickly when I sensed her recoiling somewhat but at least she was telling me what she felt. The last two days we'd been back in London we had spent a lot of time at my place, Nina had helped me reorganise a few things at home and we spent hours lost in documentaries on Netflix and each other. Having a period together completely uninterrupted by other people felt like a godsend and I found myself more and more settled into the fact we were now in a clearly defined relationship. 

I asked her to go to the New Years Eve party I was invited to every year and had been able to spend the better part of a day slowly wearing down her fears until she agreed to come and meet some more of my London friends. The selling point for her had been the fact that despite it was an industry party, Rodger and Max were going to be there, and that the musicians and writers who would be there I'd found to be discrete in the past. They were people I'd run into over the years or worked with myself, and it was uncommon for those kinds of people to be the ones who caused trouble for me because they wanted to keep the possibility of working with me again. 

My friend Nick hosted the party at his home near Primrose Hill, and I had promised I'd make an appearance again this year. In the past, I hadn't hesitated, but I understood Nina was concerned about how the night would play out. Nick was desperate to meet Nina and thought it was hilarious that she was “better at music” than me, but it was a fact about Nina I wore as a badge of honour and his teasing only served to make me more proud to have her.

"I'm going to shower," Nina suddenly started pulling herself up, tugging on the bottom of the shirt she was wearing and shaking my hand away at the same time, “Do you need the bathroom first?”

I sat up next to her, bunching the duvet away from us and shuffling myself closer to her. I took hold of Nina’s elbow gently, tugging her around, “Hey, I know me saying this doesn't change anything, but you don't have to be worried about tonight.”

Nina let out a shaky breath, trying to fight it but eventually meeting my eyes. “I know, I'm just not ready for our little bubble to burst yet.”

My insides warmed, "Nobody's bubble is bursting, promise."

I watched her take a breath, "I'm just a little nervous to be the girl everyone's watching to make sure I'm good enough for you … Or watching trying to figure out what the hell you see in—"

—"Okay," I frowned, pinching Nina's chin between my thumb and index finger and gently pulling her eye line up to mine, "First of all, the notion of anyone not being good enough for someone else is complete bullshit and I won't have another second of you thinking you're somehow inferior to me or anyone else. Especially seeing as you'll be the most talented person in the room. Second of all," I watched her carefully, making sure I was getting through, Nina had rolled her eyes at my comment about her being the most talented musical mind there, "You've got to trust that I wouldn't walk you into a situation that was going to be nasty like that."

Nina had heard this before, and I had briefed her already on who would be there for New Years. I was worried by the fact she hadn't been able to put her concerns aside. I wanted her to feel safe with me and to look forward to our first New Years together. There was a certain element to her nerves that I knew wouldn’t dissipate until the event was over though, I understood that. 

"I'm just worried about ..."

"About?" I prompted when her pause dragged out. 

“I think this is one of those bullshit things that—

I cut over her, “—It’s not bullshit if it’s worrying you, Nina. Just talk to me.”

“I don’t want to embarrass you in front of anyone or say the wrong thing.” Now I was worried, “Embarrass me? How the hell could you embarrass me?”

"I just," Nina let out a long sigh and I could tell she wished she had kept her mouth shut.

"You're not going to embarrass me, Neens," I told her quietly, watching as her frustration at herself played out on her face, "If you're wary of people finding out that we're together we could just go to Gem's party instead? It's just her and friends from home and their partners."

"I don't want to not go, Harry," She said her glance harsh as she picked at her nails, "I’m not stupid ... Or naive about who you are.”

“Nina,” I breathed, “I’ve never thought you were stupid. Ever.”

“I don’t know. I’m just ... I know you're a big deal, Harry. I mean ...” Nina gave up on whatever she was going to say, finally looking over as if begging me to save her from the conversation she barely seemed ready to have. But my head was stuck in a conversation I’d had years before with Louis well before I had been in a position to heed his advice, my heart sank watching Nina portray exactly what my bandmate had warned me against.

I sat up in front of her, wanting to get the look off her face that told me she thought she could disappoint me in some way. “I don’t want to hide you, Nina. I don’t want to hold back or act like this isn't happening in my life,” I explained quickly, “I’m not saying we do anything differently to what we have been. I feel like we’re moving at a good pace ... But I don’t want to have to watch myself around you in the company of friends or like hold back from just being us ... I want you in my world and I want you to know who else is part of it ...But if you need us to then we’ll need to rework things. If you're not ready to risk it then we won't.” I swallowed thickly and kept my eyes on her.

Nina looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

“Nina," I said softly, hating the two sides to this conversation, “I also need to ask you how you’ll react when you publicly get tied to all this. To me.”

“Am I not already?” Her legs flopped out in front of her and she took a few painful seconds to cross them at her ankles.

I wasn’t sure if by her words she was making a point, or genuinely wondering how ‘in my life’ I considered her.

“Nina,” I began evenly, “When it comes to it … I don’t want to be sneaking about trying not to get spotted together. I don’t want the game to be we lose points if someone takes your picture with me, or the media figure out we’re together. I don’t want any of that, I just want you and I want me. I want us doing whatever we like, where ever we like. Within reason, of course,” I took a deep breath, trying to read her blank expression, “But I’m worried out of my mind right now because I don’t know what you're thinking and I know it's so much for me to ask and it would be perfectly reasonable for you to not want it.”

“That might have already happened though,” She argued back, and I wasn’t altogether sure why “Someone might have taken pictures of us together weeks ago. They probably did, Harry, I don’t know.”

“It’s different now though,” I reached out for her elbow in a bid to gain the attention of her eyes on mine, “People already know you know me, Nina. I mean, as soon as I followed you on social media there was a public link,” She nodded at what I was saying gingerly, her eyes flicking around my face as if unable to settle on any one part of it, “What I’m talking about now is ... Is something where it's clear we're a couple ... Are you ready for that?”

The relief I felt when Nina nodded her head was immeasurable, “I don’t want to stop us from moving forward,” She said faintly.

My head fell back automatically, and my eyes closed with the doleful breath I took in, “Nina.”

She thought I didn’t know what she meant because she continued to explain herself away when I was trying to figure out a way through the sadness Nina’s self-doubt had me wading in.

“I bet you’re like,” She paused and my heart hurt seeing the dark look that shadowed her face, “Getting sick of this, aren’t you? Of like,” Nina bit her lip for a second, “Me being weird.” She lifted one shoulder dismissively, “Sometimes I just think I’m not making this very easy for you. Am I?”

I shuffled closer and turned around to face her, holding her knees firmly so she couldn't look anywhere by my face. Nina gazed up at me but behind her eyes was hesitation and a sadness dangerously close to what I had witnessed in the quiet moments I'd spent watching her fight off her demons.

“Nina, I am crazy about you,” I repeated, “Did we not just two days ago turn our dating into something official? Do you think if I hadn’t wanted you to come tonight I would even have suggested it?"

“You’ve been very patient.”

My eyebrows furrowed together, “You say that like its been a burden. I’ve loved every minute of getting to know you?”

She shrugged, “Some bits I bet you wished hadn’t happened.”

“You’re pushing me away, Nina. Please don’t,” I didn’t hide the desperation in my voice.

“What will happen when everyone knows that we’re ... We’re ...”

She didn’t know how to label us, even after the last two days together. I didn’t let that worry me in the moment though, I was thankful she was at least asking the question though. We did need to talk this through, and it was stupid of me to leave it off so long.

“Together?”

“Yeah,” Her eyes left my face and went back to her lap.

“Well,” I began, seeing a way to hopefully turn this conversation around. I shuffled around on my backside, moving up and slipping either of my legs around her body. She instinctively leant back against my chest and let me loop our fingers together in her lap, “Our friends and family will be happy. And nobody else matters."

Nina’s fingers had been travelling all over the backs of my hands, they slipped underneath the band of my watch, pressing against the cool metal just before she spoke, “What about the media?"

I let out a long breath, relieved that Nina hadn’t been placated by my answer that I knew didn’t go far enough, "There can be nasty people. But I mean it when I say there are ways to avoid 95% of it. You're already a private person online, and I don't share a lot from my private life anymore. Which is good in some ways, but it's generally resulted in most of what's floating around out there about me is absolute bollocks. I've learnt as long as your front row people in life are trustworthy you can ignore the rest. In a relationship though I bet it can get tough ... I don't know there's a way for me to make promises about that. We'll be figuring it out together."

"I just want to be able to keep doing this," She replied finally. "I'm scared but ... I just think back to when I first met you and I was so stubborn in not being interested. What a bloody fool I was."

I let my shoulders slack and felt my eyes well up, I had been sure she was spiralling away from me, "It’ll probably really suck at times, Neens,” I told her in a hushed voice, needing to be honest, “If I’ve learned anything in the past six years it’s that people can be very, very nasty when they think they’re being funny. Or they’re jealous. Or they’re getting paid to sell magazines.”

“But you’re okay, right?” She asked, timid and sweet.

I leant to the side, catching her eye when she turned her head around to look at me, “Yeah,” I nodded, a little perplexed, “I’m alright.”

“So, I’ll have to be alright too then,” She followed on seamlessly.

“Nina, this isn’t an ultimatum,” I urged, “If you’re not comfortable with it we can ... There are ways to hold it off. This can still stay under wraps. I’ve been living with it all for years, you have an element of choice I didn’t have.”

Nina brought her knees up and leant her forearms over them, I took that as an opportunity to incase her in a warm hug, "I don't think it's fair on either of us to have to hide it. Surely nothing good comes from that."

I let out a steady breath, “So, you’re saying ...”

I wanted to make sure Nina was in control of this bit, even though she’d agreed with what I had said I still needed to hear some derivative of it in her own words. Her fingers wound around my wrists and tugged them over her knees so I was holding her egg-shaped body against me by her bare shins. 

“I'm saying we continue as we have been and take things as they come ... I don’t want to not be doing this with you,” She leant her chin down onto the top of her knees, her fingers nervously pulling away from mine.

The happiness swelled in me instantly and I could nothing but laugh.

It was a peal of big, loud laughter that had my cheeks hurting from the smile my mouth formed and my chest knocked into Nina’s back as I struggled to contain it all within me.

“Harry,” Nina giggled, twisting her body around to try and sneak out of my grasp, “You’re squishing

me.”

“Don’t care,” I sang out, lunging forward when Nina made a break for it and tumbled off her bed onto the rug on the floor.

She stopped herself just out of my reach and pushed up onto her feet, “Bloody hell, Harry.”

I held both my hands up to her, gesturing I meant for her to pull me up, “Help?”

Nina stepped forward and slipped her hands into mine, I let her lean back slightly and felt the tug in my arms before I overpowered her and pulled her back toward me. She stumbled forward with a yelp and braced herself on my shoulders quickly. I took Nina’s elbows and kept pulling her down, her laugh happy and chaotic in my ear.

“Harry!”

“Nina!” I mimicked her, tugging again so she landed in my lap, “You make me happy.”

Nina pulled her hands up into the sleeves of her jumper, looking deceptively small, “I’m very pleased to hear it … Now, am I allowed to shower?”

I nodded slowly and leant forward to plant a sloppy kiss on her cheek, “I’ll go save the kitchen from Max.”

+++

Nina’s hand trembled as we stood on the step outside Nick’s house. 

I clutched it in mine tightly and kept my eyes on the back of Rodger’s head as we waited at the door, thinking if I drew attention to her nerves it might make them worse. I heard the little whoosh of air that left her slightly parted lips though and couldn’t stop myself leaning across and kissing the crown of her head.

She was nervous, and I understood why, but I had the benefit of knowing she was going to be fine.

When I’d seen her tonight it felt like my entire body went cold. Or very, very warm. The silver sequin dress she was wearing looked incredible on her, and I had loved it from the moment she’d first shown it to me. I was a fan of a bold fashion choice, and Nina pulled it off perfectly. I’d had to bite the inside of my cheek to stop myself from embarrassing myself in front of her housemates. The fabric hugged her curves and where the short hem might have usually made her uncomfortable, I found that I appreciated the long sleeves because I knew they were a big part of the reason Nina was feeling good about what she was wearing. She’d spent time on her makeup as well, and I kept finding myself searching for any evidence to the bruising around her eye but there was none. 

I had even managed to convince her to let me take some photos of her as well, she was uncomfortable with the whole idea but I promised I’d get a good one. And I did. Nina liked it so much she posted it on her Instagram, the size of her smile in the photo gave me a kind of pride I wanted to gloat over. ‘Look how happy I make this girl,’ I wanted to comment but didn’t. I settled with the disco man emoji.

As we sat in the back of an Uber Rodger had ordered, it was hard to think about anything other than how beautiful she looked. My eyes couldn’t leave her form for more than a few minutes before automatically seeking her out again if only to make sure she was still happy and comfortable, but most of all I was checking she was real at all.

Nick answered the door. His face was already alight with buzzing jubilation that must’ve meant he had uncharacteristically peeked through the peephole to see who it was before opening the door.

I groaned when his mouth fell open and he looked around Rodger and Max and landed right at Nina joyfully, “It’s just us, Nick,” I said.

“‘Just us!’” He repeated, shaking his head and holding his palms out to us, “‘Just us?’”

Nina secured her free hand around my wrist at her side but she laughed at Nick’s theatrics, my throat tightened with whatever it was I felt to know she was uncomfortable but trying.

For me.

“Will you let us into your house before you attack her?” Rodger asked dryly, stepping up onto the last step towards him. “You upset her and I’ll clock you one, got it?”

Nick’s palm hit Rodger’s chest firmly completely ignoring what he had said, “No, no,” Nick's head shook ferociously, “Ladies first,” Rodger was pushed him aside and I watched as Nick gestured for Nina to walk in first.

She ducked her head and let her fingers slip out of mine so she could obediently shuffle through. She was stopped by Nick just as I was closing the front door and Max and Rodger were removing their coats.

“Hello, I’m Nick and you look utterly lovely,” He kissed Nina's cheek and started pulling off her scarf as he pulled back, “Give that all here. Give it, give it. Give, give, give.”

I watched them carefully but started pulling off my outer layers, missing having Nina’s hand in mine to judge her nerve levels from. Without her squeezing my fingers or rubbing her thumb over the back of my knuckles, I had no physical way of telling how she felt aside from her facial expressions. And she had perfected the art of feigning calm, she had a bright smile on her face though which had me smirking at the thought Nick was about to be completely charmed by her.

I turned around to hang up my coat, taking my eyes off them for a split second when I was quickly coaxed back around by a small scream. I was met by the sight of Nina being held up off her feet against Nick’s chest in a bear hug, his arms almost crossed right around her back and he was slowly leaning his body back to keep his balance.

“Nick!” I yelled, throwing my scarf on the ground without a second thought and stepping further into his entrance hall, “If my girlfriend’s feet aren’t touching the ground again in four seconds, I’m trashing your Beyonce shrine!”

Nina stumbled back into my waiting hands when he released her, “Just saying hello to my new pal Nina, Harry. No need to give yourself a hernia.”

“You’ll get a hernia from lifting her like that, you old git,” I grumped, winding my hands around the front of Nina’s neck and hugging her firmly, not taking my eyes off Nick who rolled his eyes and turned on his heel, "Have some bloody boundaries."

“Boundaries are overrated,” He turned back to us suddenly and seemed surprised to find we had followed him, “Everyone’s suitably tipsy, but nothing’s been smashed yet … that I know of.”

When we got to the doorway into the living area I loosened my grip on Nina and let her step away, the room was a little bit more crowded than it usually was at this point in the night and I ran my eyes over the groups that had naturally formed. I waved to a few people as Rodger and Max both went further in to greet people. I turned back to Nina.

“Right,” I breathed out, looking down at Nina who was taking in the whole party, “Drink?”

She took a few seconds to look at me but when she did she nodded twice, “Yes, please."

I reached for her hand and twisted my arm around so I could walk and lead her by our joined fingers to the kitchen. A few other people waved or said hello to me but I made a serious beeline to Nick’s kitchen.

“Clear a spot on the bench,” I told Nina, opening the fridge door and plucking at various bottles within. When I turned back to the floating kitchen bench, there was a corner ready for me and Nina stood watching me quietly with her side resting against the edge. “He does this every year, what cocktail would you like?”

I got one of the hi­-ball glasses that Nick had left out for people to use and half-filled it ice to begin. Nina flicked through a cocktail recipe book that had been left out on the kitchen island, along with an array of ingredients and bar tools to make them. 

“This one,” Nina pointed to a gin cocktail and reached forward for a bunch of mint in front of her, "Did you see strawberries in the fridge?"

“Why yes there were,” I pulled a face and went back to retrieve them, "Let me do that, I'm making you a drink, I'm not watching you make your own." I tutted and bumped her hip with mine so take over from where she has started measuring into a cocktail shaker. "Say when," I started pouring the gin in without using the measuring cup.

“Harry!” She took hold of my forearm to stop the pour, "That was a lot of gin!" I grinned at her, "The best part of making your own."

She narrowed her eyes at me for a second and then returned a smile, "Maybe a little more."

“Don't worry," I told her, sloshing a little more in and then topping it up with tonic water, "I'll cut you off as soon as you suggest Dido karaoke, it's not a New Years vibe,” I winked at her. 

“Karaoke?” Nick’s voice drew Nina and I both away from each other. “I love karaoke!”

I went back to the fridge and fished out a bottle of Peroni for myself, listening to Nina humour Nick as he started spouting off all his favourite karaoke songs. She had poured herself a drink and offered him up a glass as well. Nick took the drink without taking a breath in his story and continued to inform Nina with a heavy sigh that he wanted a karaoke machine very badly but he hadn't yet acquired one.

"A godsend, really," I commented, laughing.

I turned around just in time to see his eyes light up like baubles and one of his pointer fingers rise to jab her way, “We have to go to karaoke together!”

“Yeah," I said slowly, moving to stand next to Nina, "We’re gonna give karaoke a miss, thanks, Nick,” I wasn’t bothered by the pathetic look of disappointment that befell his face, "I came to your Eurovision party and that was quite enough. Now, where are the least drunk people?”

Nick waved his hand about above his head, “Yeah. Yeah. You're coming to that again next year,” He paused, "This year? What time is it?"

"Just gone ten. Thanks for having us,” She told him sweetly.

His face melted into a goofy smile, “Pleasure’s mine, love. Harry’s been a lot less mopey since someone started paying you to mind him.”

Nick was quick to dodge my backhanded slap to his chest, but he was too slow to see the knee I threw into the side of his thigh. We left the kitchen to his yells of foul play. Nina sipped on her drink with a smile as I lead her back out into the party, our hands tightly joined. I chanced a look at her as we walked, trying to gauge how she was fairing, she caught me looking and squeeze my hand reassuringly.

“Hey,” I greeted the group Rodger and Max had both gravitated to as well, “How is everyone?”

I introduced Nina to the friends that were there, they were all people I had seen over the last few months where news that I had been seeing someone slowly infiltrated to the people I didn’t mind knowing. Nina sat on the arm of the chair I took up, Alexa struck up a conversation with her straight away which I was incredibly thankful for. Having friends who were generally a little older than me meant the maturity level in these kinds of situations was often higher. 

Time passed quickly and the group rattled through stories from the year, Nina took it all in and surprised me by being forthcoming with a few anecdotes of her own. Nick came over for a little while, he looked pleased with himself. There were a few times I felt as though I was being watched from another corner of the room, but that tended to be a usual kind of thing. Usually, I might go and mingle, see who else I might have met at some point it would be nice to say hello to. But I found myself just wanting to park and enjoy the night with Nina and the people in the room who were genuine friends.

“I’m going to the bathroom,” Nina’s hand landed on my shoulder from out of my eye line and I turned to look up at her, “Can I bring you back another drink?”

I shook the bottle I was holding, finding it close to empty, “Yes, thanks. Want me to come with you?” “To the bathroom? I think I’ll manage,” She smiled at me, “You stay here, I’ll be right back.”

After ten minutes or so I noticed Nina come back into the room from the hallway Nick’s bathroom was down, she ducked straight into the kitchen, the sequins of her dress sparkling as the material moved around her frame. From his spot across the circle to me Max had seen her go in as well, and I watched as he watched a guy I didn’t know go into the kitchen after her. Immediately, Max put his drink down and stood, shuffling himself around the sofa and across the room without hesitation or a glance back. 

I frowned, wondering if I was just imagining the straightening of his back or the way he had looked annoyed at who he saw following Nina in. I tried to tell myself I was imagining it but couldn’t, and after a minute or so I stood and made my way to the kitchen myself.

“Fucking wild that you’re here, innit!” I heard a voice drawl out as I took in the scene in front of me.

“Completely,” Nina said quietly, a forced smile on her face.

Max was standing with his arms crossed and a harsh look I’d never witnessed before across his face, he was leaning back against the bench and staring at the guy standing right in front of Nina. I could guess there had been a greeting hug, but Nina’s features looked tight and ashen. She appeared small in front of this stranger but very quickly I determined he was no stranger to Nina and Max. 

The guy turned and saw me, “Ah! And here he is, imagine my surprise seeing little Nina walk into a party with Harry fucking Styles!”

I drew my mouth into a tight line, taking in the body language of both Max and also Nina and deciding whoever the guy was I didn’t like him. I felt my jaw clench at the way he’d prefaced Nina’s name with a demeaning little. Even more annoying was the blatant sucking up he was trying with me.

“I’m Leon Hunt,” He introduced himself, taking one step away from Nina and leaning his body out with an outstretched hand to me, “Great to meet you, I know Nina from Cambridge days.”

“Hi,” I said noncommittally, chancing a glance at Max who was staring daggers into Leon’s back.

I was trying to track back through all the small moments Nina had mentioned her ex-boyfriend, to remember if she had ever used a name. If this was him it would certainly explain the look of annoyance and distrust on Max’s face. I had never known Max to be anything other than exuberant and warm. Still, Leon didn't quite strike me as a human Nina would ever connect with.

Leon Hunt was either the most socially oblivious person I’d come across in a long time or was so self-assured and self-centred he failed to be able to adequately read a room because he was still looking around with a giddy disbelieving look on his face. As though some marvellous coincidence had taken place he couldn’t quite believe in. If he had any kind of awareness about him he would have found the reactions of the people around him spoke volumes.

He laughed and took a sip of his beer, looking at Nina, “I can’t believe this. I’ve been doing sessional work at the BBC, that’s how I know those guys,” He pointed his bottle back out of the kitchen, “Fuck, Gavin was talking about you just the other week … He’s going to laugh his ass off.”

Max stood up, “Don’t talk about that prick here.”

So Gavin is the ex. 

Leon held his hands up in front of him, “Alright, Jesus, touchy.”

Nina looked mortified and seeing her so upset made my stomach drop. I stepped further in the room and walked around behind her where the cocktail station was still set up. When I walked passed Max I briefly placed my hand on his shoulder. I wanted to be closer to Nina and hoped my physically moving might trigger her to do the same, I ran my fingers across the middle of her back as I went behind her. It was almost like she was frozen in front of him, and it was worrying me that Nina hadn’t said anything yet.

“Same as last time?” I asked her gently, thinking maybe if I excluded the others from the new conversation at least Leon might decide the group chat was over and he would leave. 

She looked up at me and didn’t seem to be able to get anything out for a moment, in the end, she just nodded.

Leon didn’t leave, and Max hadn’t stopped glaring at him since I had come into the room.

“I wouldn’t have put money on you ending up in London,” Leon directed at Nina.

I wanted to ask him to mind his fucking tone but kept my mouth shut. Nina shuffled a little closer to me which I was glad for, “Well, here I am,” She said.

“Insane,” Leon repeated, “Nobody’s heard a peep out of you in years and here you are! Dating a pop star! Nina the Power Dater, at it again!”

“Fuck off,” Max puffed out, shaking his head.

“Excuse me?” I asked Leon, leaning away from the bench to get him properly in my eyesight. I couldn’t believe what I had heard come out of his mouth, “You want to be careful what you say next, mate.”

Nina’s hands had frozen. She had been plucking at the mint, keeping her head down but it was clear as soon as Leon went too far because she halted, swallowed thickly and swayed on her feet.

“Aw, c’mon it’s a group joke!” He back-peddled, “Nina gets it.”

“Leon, I swear to god,” Max jumped in, his face a clear picture to him having had enough, “You’re lucky it’s me who saw you follow Nina in and not Rodger because he’d have socked you one.”

“Hey,” Leon defended starting to puff up and tune into the heated moment, “I was invited tonight, just like you pretentious arseholes. I’m catching up with our little Nina. We’ve missed her, Gav was heartbroken you never came back. We’ve both been on tour most of the year. Mostly the US. He’s got a place there now, you’d kick yourself if you saw it.”

I started doing very badly at keeping my cool. Leon was loud and obnoxiously tipsy and I couldn’t believe the gall he had. He was scrolling through his phone and I got a bad feeling in my gut that he was about to ask for a photo, I didn't think he'd take well to my telling him to fuck off.

“I’m pleased he’s doing well,” Nina provided too politely to be genuine. 

“Hey, too bad about how you got sick and stopped playing,” Leon’s sickly sweet tone grated on me, even drunk I could tell he was a calculated prick, “I mean Gav would never say he told you so but …What are you up to know?”

“Oh, get fucked,” Max sighed. “She’s doing great, she’s—

“—I think we’ve all said enough,” I cut in, suddenly overcome with the realisation that this wasn’t the first time Leon had spoken to Nina in this way. I wasn’t going to let it happen again, especially not while I was standing next to her. She was close to completely shut down so even when I took her hand it took a moment for her to react, “Come on,” I said.

“I just asked a question!” Leon dared to look confused as Nina and I walked passed him. He held up his phone for a second, "Let's grab a picture, Gavin won't believe me!" 

I held up my palm to block the shot he had probably already taken anyway, "No photos, mate. Max, come with us,” I called behind me, dropping Nina’s hand to brace her shoulders with my palms, guiding her in front of me. I didn’t want to leave Max in there for more verbal sparring that wouldn’t go anywhere good.

As we walked by the group Rodger saw us and stood, before he could ask I told him Max would catch him up. I continued to lead Nina to Nick’s front door. When we got there I started sorting through all the coats hanging to find ours, I found Nina’s first and turned around to her, holding it up.

“Harry,” She croaked, “No, I …”

“We’re just going for a walk,” I told her, waving the coat towards her for her to put her arms through, “Up onto the hill above the zoo, the others will come for the fireworks in a bit.”

She turned away from me to slip her arms in, and I saw her shoulders move down in a quick release of breath, “I’m sorry.”

“Nina,” I sang softly, briefly leaning in to press a kiss to the side of her head. My lips lingered right by her ear, “There’s not a single thing you need to be sorry for.”

“I told you I would embarrass you.”

I planted my hands on her hips and turned Nina around to face me, “You have not embarrassed me.” I leant further down to make sure she was hearing me. The pain was evident on her face, gone was the cheerful, happy woman I’d spent the last four days with, “Neens? C’mon, let’s walk.”

She wordlessly shuffled out the door in front of me, I put my coat on as we trundled down Nick’s steps. Nina turned to walk up the street and I sided up to her to take her hand in mine. My head was racing, just wanting to demand answers to all the questions I had. I had already been curious about her ex, especially after spending time with her girlfriends who were blatant in their dislike for him which seemed to inform an automatic questioning of me. 

Whatever Nina had gone through nobody who loved her wanted her to endure again with me. I was desperate to know what I was up against.  We trudged up the hill of Nick’s street, around the corner to the entrance of the park near the London Zoo entrance and then up further to the very top of Primrose Hill. There were quite a few other groups of people up there too, and we found a vacant area a little bit down the slope.

“Stand in front of me,” I pulled Nina’s arm slowly and directed her to where I wanted her, “There you go.”

She latched her fingers around my forearms when I draped my arms over her shoulders and crossed them underneath her neck, and she shimmied her way further back into my chest and settled there. My chin rested on the crown of her head and I held her close to my body, taking a moment to collect my thoughts.

“Leon is my ex’s best mate,” Nina spoke before I got the chance to ask her anything, “Gavin … I haven’t … He’s got a mean streak.”

“Who has?” I asked, pretty confident the answer would be that they both did.

“They all did, I suppose,” She admitted, “But it didn’t start that way. I met Gavin and he was charming and a little older and all I wanted was to feel normal. I told you how he hated drama and—”

"—Made you feel like you couldn't share when you were struggling, yeah, I don't like this guy."

Nina let out a long breath, "I was sick of being the freak musical genius or whatever … I just wanted something normal and he showed an interest … At first, I think it was an image thing for him, to say he was with me, he seemed proud of me. Then …”

I spoke when Nina got lost in her thoughts, “I’m going to hazard a guess and say his ego didn’t like discovering how good you were.”

“His friends have always been like that,” She said with a tight voice, “Gavin was always set on becoming a star … He was only there so he could market himself as the guitarist with a Cambridge degree. He wanted to get into a touring band and build a name for himself that way, which it sounds like he's done. Everyone said he could be the next Steve Hacket or Carl Barât, that's where the whole 'Power Dater' thing comes from it was this joke about—”

“—It's not funny," I told her, knowing exactly the kind of belittling and ugly sneer it was. That Leon had turned around and poked the same wound with her tonight made my blood boil, the insinuation that Nina and I's relationship was built on that foundation made me livid.

Nina's shoulders raised in a small shrug, "I was just a kid … I mean, I was eighteen and—”

“—Shit,” I cursed, “I forgot how young you were.”

“It was a relationship that taught me you can judge a person by the company they keep. His friends treated me like shit and he let them, particularly when alcohol was involved. Eventually, Gavin started making the same jokes when we were alone. But he’d insert backhanded compliments as well and make me feel like I was a show-off who should be grateful he was there to bring me back to the ground.”

"Nina, that's not a normal relationship. That sounds stifling and miserable."

"I know," She said quietly, "But from the outside, it looked good. Everyone thought I was thriving like I was finally coming into myself ... I was at university and I had friends and a boyfriend. I felt like such a grown-up. It's obvious now I didn't have the maturity to handle what was going on around me."

I squeezed her shoulders tightly, my heart aching for the sadness in her voice, "What happened?"

"Gavin's very talented but he's not so good at the theory side of things, he learned to read music late and didn't take to piano very well. He was getting told he was going to fail certain classes ... He first asked me to help him cheat about three—"

"—Nina," I breathed, horrified, unsure if I wanted to hear how this would play out.

"—months into things. When I said no he was furious," She kept going, "I said I'd help him learn and he just took that as me being insolent and cavalier and trying to make him look stupid. He'd always said that he didn't care about the classical element to it all, 'That classical rubbish is shite, Nina,' he'd say, 'You're beatin' a dead horse, baby.'"

I cringed at the way she said the nickname, it was clear she despised it now. I let the silence sink around us for a moment, I was building a picture of Nina's first and only relationship in my mind, trying to understand what her experience had been like.

"I started having panic attacks before performing,” Her hands were shaking as she moved her hair off her face, “And if he was in the audience I nearly always blew it. I started hating it all. I hated that music was ruining the rest of my life. It had always felt like the force opening doors, Cambridge felt like all the doors closing at once. I stopped auditioning for anything outside my study and I took leave from a few appointments I had.”

“I’m so sorry,” I told her, “That’s now how it should have been, your talent is such a gift ... The thought that someone took that from you ... How dare he stomp on you to make himself feel bigger.”

“I should have told people, it's not like I didn't have a support network,” Nina steamrolled my statement, now that she was telling the story there was no weakness in her voice, she stated the facts and I waited to hear a sniffle but didn’t, “I stopped taking the meds I should have been taking because it made contraception easier and I didn’t have it in me to get help, I knew I needed it when it all started taking effect. God, I felt like one of those stupid girls staying an unhealthy relationship just for the image. I was saving face, I kept telling myself there was a version of me that he could love, and it was my job to get to her … It was Georgie who first figured out something was wrong.”

“How?”

“She got a train down to see me one random weekday, I usually only saw them on weekends or holidays so … She says she woke up and clicked together a few different things, she'd had a bad feeling she couldn't shake. She got on a train and stayed with me for three days. At first, I didn’t know why she was there, but the second night she just said she thought I should go back with her for a while. She said she didn't know what was going on but she knew it wasn't good."

"Bless Georgie," I said into Nina's hair.

"As soon as I realised someone knew something was wrong, that's all I needed to be okay fixing it. It was like all of a sudden the people who loved me were louder than he was. I got sick nearly straight away though so it wasn't quite as triumphant as it should have been."

"Sick enough that you ended up in the hospital," I added bitterly, "What did he have to say for himself?"

"Nothing," Nina replied, "We had a phone conversation when I first went back home and I didn't hear from him again. He ended up getting a spot on a festival line up as a sessional guitarist and never graduated. I haven't seen him since."

"He's scum, Nina," I said lowly, "Him, and his stupid mate tonight."

"The worst was how disappointed everyone was."

I waited a moment before responding, "They weren't disappointed in you. They would have been disappointed they couldn't have stopped it happening to you. Particularly because it made you so unwell."

“Is that how you feel?” She asked softly. 

I couldn’t lie, “Yes,” I said quietly. 

“Are you mad at me?” 

I shut my eyes sadly, swallowing a thickness at the base of my throat and shaking my head immediately, “No, not at all.” 

“You could be, you know,” Her permission was given just loud enough to hear, “I’d understand if you were. I messed up and did the wrong thing with completely the wrong guy.” 

I tightened my grip around her hips slightly, “We’re not playing that game, Nina. The past isn’t a weapon like that, that’s not fair.” 

“I’m sorry. If this hadn't happened tonight we’d be good right now. I've spoiled the night with this shit coming up.” 

I nudged her hips until Nina turned to face me, holding either side of her face firmly, making her look at me, “We are good, Nina. You’ve got me, okay? That fucker or his mate haven’t changed anything between us. Not a thing. If anything I know you better because of it.” 

“I would’ve told you.” 

“I know,” I nodded earnestly, “I'm sorry it was pulled out from under you. Now I get to ask you this, are you okay? Tonight ... I hate the thought you'd be suffering under those memories while with me. The party was meant to be fun for you.”

She smiled and it was so sweet I could have cried, her fingers came up to my jaw, "I'm okay," Nina told me, "  “You always make everything feel better,” She clamped the fingers of her free hand around my wrist, fanning them out and dipping them through the ridges of my knuckles. 

“It’s my job,” I told her, tilting her head so I could kiss her, slow and sweet. 

It was a long kiss that left me breathless, but after we’d shared a few chaste kisses, Nina’s face fell away from mine and she rested her forehead against my chin. Her hands dropped to play with the hem of my T-shirt. It took a few moments for me to piece together her redeveloped erratic breathing and realise that she was crying.

“Sorry,” She all but whimpered, messily covering her face and half turning away from me. “Sorry. I don’t want to cry. I don’t.” 

I ducked my head down to press a kiss to her cheek, "It's okay, you've just shared a lot." 

We stood quietly for several minutes until eventually, Nina had pulled herself together, she turned back in my arms and snuggled her back against my chest again. 

“I’ve never been in London at New Year’s before, I'm usually still in Blackpool.”

Around us, our group started sharing New Year’s Eve horror stories from being overseas or with the

wrong people on this night. Nina and I stood quietly, laughing along in all the right bits, but I was

happy to just exist quietly with her. It was something I had learned from Nina, standing back and

watching, listening, more than I used to. I picked up on physical cues as well, noticing shuffling feet

or eyes darting off to the sides; they were all tells I’d had to learn to catch in Nina.

“Ten minutes to go!” Someone said loudly nearby, and I moved my hands down around Nina’s waist, bending to rest my chin on her shoulder and pulling her impossibly tighter against me.

“Any New Years Resolution you want to share?” I whispered just to her, grinning when she squirmed

at my warm breath.

“More music,” She replied simply. “Braver heart.”

I paused for a moment, touched by the softness of her voice and the magnitude of her goals. Especially when my intention had been silly and playful, and almost a little bit teasing.

“Wow.”

“What about you?” Nina asked.

“I dunno,” I answered lamely, “Keep growing? Remember home, maybe.”

Nina laughed and turned around in my arms, “Doesn’t have to be just two words.”

I shrugged, “Simplicity is underrated. And I’m a copycat.”

She laughed again and somehow managed to shuffle her feet closer as she dropped her head to my shoulder, “What happened in my life this year that I’m somehow standing on Primrose Hill on New Year’s Eve with you?”

“I’d say very good things happened,” I moved my arms back up and rested my forearms over her shoulders. “It’s weird to think about, isn't it. How much you are oblivious to until it happens.”

Around us a countdown had begun, I moved our bodies around so we would both be able to see the fireworks that were coming. Nina chuckled to herself a few times, shaking her head then she went quiet as the people around us got louder. There were shouts of excitement and then a countdown started and with it an exhilarating rush to the cold air. For the first little bit, I stood comfortably, just holding Nina and watching the glowing London skyline with muted anticipation. Then as the numbers got smaller, and the sky lit up with shoots and pops of vibrant colours, people seemed to be coupling off, throwing their arms around each other in celebratory embraces.

At the call of two seconds until midnight I ducked my head to Nina’s ear, “Happy New Year, Neens.”

She turned around and bunched her hands around the lapels of my coat, “Happy New Year.”

Her smile grew but before she could say anything, I kissed her. She grew in height against me as she perched herself up on her tiptoes, I wrapped my arms around her more fully to support some of the weight. Nina’s mouth moved against mine smoothly, warming me all over and filling me with gurgling happiness.

"Here you too bloody are!" Max's voice carried across the hill, and I looked over to see most of the group we had been sitting within Nick's lounge room had gathered together to watch the fireworks nearby.

"Happy New Year!" Nina said to him, practically leaping into his arms as he approached us. I watched with a grin on my face as she was enveloped in a rough hug from him and a sloppy kiss to her cheek.

"Love ya guts," Max told her affectionately.

"You too," Nina responded, quickly disappearing in a stronghold from Rodger who had followed Max over. 

Rodger levelled up to Nina, planted his forearms on her shoulders and gave her a stern look, “We’re not going back there. Not even for a second. Don’t let that knob get to you.”

I watched Nina’s eyes immediately brim with tears, Rodger kept his eyes locked on hers and didn’t look at all deterred by her emotions. It took a moment, but she started nodding and he pulled her into his arms for a hug. It was a moment I didn’t fully understand, conversations and memories were passing between them unspoken. Not for the first time, I found myself reflecting on how lucky Nina was to have Rodger and Max, they had been her support and rock in her move to London.

Everyone else came over and Happy New Year greetings went around the group, eventually, Nina came and tucked herself under my arm again, giving me a big smile when I looked down to check how she was doing. I hadn’t missed the way she had been looking around the group with darting eyes as if she was waiting for someone else to appear. It didn’t take a genius to figure out who she was concerned about seeing again.

“Let’s go to Gem’s,” I said quietly, pressing my nose into her hair above her ear, “Her girlfriends will adore you and I promise you my sister will have desserts. Nick doesn’t have desserts.”

“Are you sure?” Nina asked in a straight voice, none of the inflection of a question in her tone, telling me that leaving this party was exactly what she wanted to do.

“Yes, let’s say goodbye on the way back down and order an Uber.”

In reply, Nina squeezed my hip.

“Okay! I’m leaving!” Alexa wasted no time as soon as the dust had settled, “It’s fecking freezing.”

It seemed that the rest of the crowd felt the same, and people slowly started descending the hill down the street, or off into the streets around. 

“You two coming back?” Rodger asked.

“We’re going to head to Gemma’s,” I told him.

He nodded in understanding, taking a step towards Nina to kiss her cheek and tell her to have a good time. Max did the same and I hugged them both too. Nina and I walked down the street with them, she was distracted by pulling up her Uber app. The boys continued down away from us and while we waited for the car I pulled Nina into my arms for a prolonged hug.

“I’d say I’m about ten minutes away from frostbite, Harry,” Nina brought her gloved hands up to her face and blew warm air through the wool.

I rolled my eyes at her, covering her hands with my own and pulling them up to my mouth to work on them myself, “What a marvellous imagination you have.”

“It’s a gift,” She quipped back.

“Ah,” I moaned happily, pulling her back against my chest and resting my lips against the top of her forehead, “I almost miss the Nina who was too shy to tease me back. My job was a lot easier back then.”

Her knee jabbed into my shin bluntly in retaliation, “You didn’t get to kiss that Nina.”

“Ouch!” I feigned injury, “Maybe a worthwhile trade.”

Nina looked up at me then, the smallest smile on her face and I knew that she knew she had me, “Really? You didn’t seem to mind the New Years Kiss, you’re telling me you’re not really into tradition?”

“I’m so into tradition,” I grinned, lowering my mouth to hers for a short, sweet kiss.

“Happy New Year, Harry.” She whispered again.

*******

It was just passed 1 am when we arrived outside my sister's apartment.

“This is it,” I told Nina as the car came to a stop. 

“Okay,” She breathed out, undoing her seat belt and sliding into the middle seat to get out the same door as I was. We had been quiet in the car, Nina clutched my hand in hers but we didn't speak about Leon or what had happened or what we had spoken about afterwards. I was trying to learn to let Nina sit with things and process internally because I knew that was how her brain tended to work.

When I was out of the car I stood and waited for her, wordlessly holding out my hand and leading her up to the front door. I rang Gemma's apartment and turned back to Nina while we waited to be let in.

I bit my lip and tucked her hair behind her ear as if it hadn't already looked perfect. I just wanted an excuse to be this close to her; her breath fanning out across the bottom of my neck making my heart race, and her eyes just watching me as though nothing had ever fascinated her so much in her life. 

"You good?” I asked thickly, trying to distract myself from the quiet voice in my head wishing I'd just taken her home instead. 

Nina smiled brightly, "I'm good ... I promise," She added when I must have looked sceptical.

"These guys are going to love you," I told her.

“I can tell they mean a lot to you, Gemma’s friends,” Nina specified, following our hands with her eyes when I reached out and took hers in mine, “And they’ve known you forever ... ” Nina trailed off, looking at our feet and moving one of her feet forward to touch the tip of the toe of mine.

"You'll like them," I reassured her, "Gemma's mates tend to get carried away when they’re together. They're like your girls, harmless but terrifyingly powerful at the same time.  I’m hoping they won’t pick on me so much because I'm bringing you. They give me shit for everything."

"Oh, so I'm the sacrificial lamb?" Nina feigned annoyance.

"Cutest lamb ever," I confirmed happily, looking up at the door and wondering what was taking Gemma so long, "Where the hell is my sister?" 

"You know them well?"

“Yeah,” I nodded pulling out my phone and dialling my sister's number, “I guess they watched me grow up, you know? Gem always had her friends ‘round on the weekends or after school—

"—Holla!" Gem answered loudly.

"We're downstairs," I said into the phone, "Come let us up plea—

"—'kay!"

"She hung up on me," I said, holding the phone up at Nina, "Anyway ... What was I saying?"

"Growing up with your sister's friends," Nina prompted.

"Right ... Now, when I see them it’s like being back there again ... I’m just Gemma’s little brother. That was my tag, growing up, you know? Gemma’s kid brother.”

Nina snorted a small laugh, “You would have been such a little pest for a brother."

“I don’t feel like I have to be anything when I see them,” I finished my train of thought.

Nina nodded, “Do you get on with them though? Or are they just mean to you?” She was smiling now and I cherished it.

“I like them,” I confirmed, “They’re good fun. And I get to be a pain in the arse little brother to them ... Even at twenty-six. It feels good, normal?” I tried, “I guess I don’t have many people I can still be like that around. I think I lost the playfulness from a lot of my friendships when ... When my life changed,” I finished quickly.

There was a shout behind the door and Nina jumped, Gemma waved embarrassingly with both her arms as she barrelled down the stairs I swore under my breath and muttered her name which earned a giggle from Nina beside me. My sister was holding a champagne flute in one hand, a piece of her rainbow Giant Jenga set under her arm and she was wearing a gold Cleopatra wig.

"Hello!" She greeted us, opening the heavy door to her building, "Happy New Year! We match!" Gemma directed at Nina pulling my girlfriend into a hug before even acknowledging me, "Your dress is amazing! I saw your photo from earlier, stunning."

"Thanks," Nina laughed, "That wig is mad."

"You can wear it if you like," Gemma offered and I could just see my sister spilling her drink all over herself trying to get the wig off and hand it over.

"Happy New Year, Gem," I stepped in, hugging her and planting my head over her, "Let's leave that on the head it's on, yeah?"

Nina and Gemma chatted at quick-fire speed as we made our way up to my sisters flat and I was happy to let them. Seeing that Nina seemed to have genuinely relaxed and moved on from what happened at Nick's filled me with a great sense of relief.

“My little brother’s here!” Gemma sang out happily when she threw open the door and half a dozen people were crammed into her living room.

Noticing Nina tensing ever so slightly next to me, I reached down for her hand and slipping entwined our fingers together. That seemed to calm her, and I felt the pads of her fingers trace over the tops of my knuckles gently.

“Hey everyone,” I grinned, raising my hand to send a wave around the room as we stepped inside, "Happy New Year!"

Ned appeared to help take our coats, a little tipsier than I'd ever seen him before but still painfully polite. I appreciated how kind he was to Nina though, he had immediately eased Nina's nerves the first time they had met. I heard the beginnings of their greetings to each other before two loud voices filled my ears and stray limbs were grabbing at me.

Nicole and Caitlyn.

“Harry you’re so tall you nasty git!” Nicole cried, messing up my hair as she pulled back from a hug. 

“Yeah,” Caitlyn added, swiftly kicking her barefoot to my shin as I leaned in for a greeting hug with her as well, “Bend over you little punk, make a girl work for everything, hey?”

“Lovely seeing you as well,” I retorted but then jumped back when Caitlyn kicked me again for being rude. “Hey! Play nice!”

“Ah, we’re just kidding,” Nicole smiled kindly which I returned easily. “Good to see you, Little H. Great outfit.”

I looked down at what I was wearing, "This isn't an outfit! These are just my clothes."

Nicole raised a teasing eyebrow, "That bow is an outfit in itself."

"Don't," Caitlyn told her, "He looks adorable." 

"Adorable! I look bloody dashing!"

They both laughed at that and I waved them both off in favour of seeing who else was around. 

“Hey Harry,” A gentle voice flew up at me from the armchair directly below me. My fingers had been resting on the back of it without my even realising it.

“Meg,” I sighed, taking a step back when she moved to push her chair out. Her hug was sincere and warm from the start, “How’s my favourite?” I asked quietly.

“I’m good,” she responded, matching my hushed tone, “You walked in here holding hands with an awfully pretty girl, Harry.”

We pulled away and I looked at the short woman in front of me who matched my sister almost exactly, it was eerie how similar they looked. She tilted her head to the side in silent question and I simply nodded my head in confirmation to her statement.

“Nina,” I called suddenly, looking around for her but keeping a hand on Meg’s shoulder. Nina looked up from where she had been getting introduced to Caitlyn and Nicole by Gemma. I smiled at her and yanked my head my way, calling her to escape them and come to me. “Neens, this is Meg,” I introduced the two of them when she arrived at my side, “She’s the sane one.”

“Hi,” Nina greeted timidly, “I’m Nina.”

“Lovely to meet you,” Meg returned politely. Nina’s face warmed into a brilliant smile and the tension that had been there when Nicole and Caitlyn had been harassing her wore a little thinner.

“Come, I'll introduce you to my fiancée,” Meg turned back to the room Nina obediently followed. 

I got a few more questions about Nina as I went around the room saying hello to everyone, all of them as equally friendly and trusting as Meg’s inquiry. I revelled in the light teasing when it happened.

Nina had ended up in the kitchen where Gemma was organising some snacks, Meg and her fiancée were helping as well and I made use of the fact Nina was facing away from me.

Walking up behind her, I took a split second just before I reached out for her to take note of the way my body was so much longer and broader than hers. I took in a breath, knowing she had sensed me behind her, and slowly leaned into her, wrapping my arms around her waist. She sucked in a long breath and I swayed our bodies from side to side hoping to make the embrace feel a little more casual.

“How are you ladies doing?” I added the extra weight of my chin onto the top of Nina's head and pulled her closer to my chest, feeling like I was swallowing her with my shoulders, “Does anyone need a drink?”

Nina took in a quick breath and her hands came up to cover mine where they were linked at her stomach, “Yes, please."

I made myself at home in my sister's kitchen. Getting everyone the drinks they had requested as the conversation swelled around me. It wasn't until the third time it happened that I realised my sister bumping my hip was her stealth way of trying to have a private conversation.

"What?" I asked quietly as we both looked in her fridge.

Gemma pulled out what she needed and got to work on the bench right where I had everyone's glasses lined up, "Are you two good? I didn't think you were going to make it here. How was Nick's?"

"We ended up wanting something a bit more chill."

"Chill," My sister mulled the word over in her head, searching for the hidden meaning, "Did something happen?"

"I'll tell you about it another time," I said.

"Well," Her ankle kicked up to meet my knee, "I'm glad you came, and you two are precious together. Ned's added Nina to our group text, he's finally got a chum."

I stopped what I was doing to wrap my arm around her shoulder, "Thanks, it means the most you like her.'

"I don't just like her," My sister told me, dropping her head onto my shoulder, "I like her for you."

"Me too."

The next hour was spent in my sister's kitchen, laughing and feeling the easy kind of happiness that I hadn't realised I had missed over the last few years. I wanted to have more nights like this, that turned into what felt to me like normal parties and nights my peers were having. Nina shone, settling easily into a rapport with Gemma's friends that while intellectually I was sure would be the case was still reassuring to see. 

It was close to 3 am when I noticed Nina starting to look tired across the room. I had been peaking over to try to eavesdrop on the original conversation she had been having with Meg about how we first met but now that the conversation had morphed into something else Nina's energy levels looked to be crashing.

"Are you ready to go?" I mouthed the next time she looked up, her eyes catching mine.

Nina smiled softly and nodded.

It took us a good half and hour to say goodbyes and be on our way downstairs. Nina's Uber driver was less than impressed at having to wait for us. I tried chatting my way back into his good graces for the first little bit of the journey back to Nina's house but eventually gave up when his answers remained gruff. Nina was watching out the window wordlessly.

"How you doing over there?" I asked her, reaching for the back of her neck and fanning my fingers out to give a gentle squeeze.

"Good," Nina smiled across at me, but she tentatively held up her phone for a moment, "I've got four missed calls from Gavin though."

I frowned, "He's been calling you?"

"News must travel fast," She mumbled, "I've been ignoring them but my instinct is to just block his number."

"I'm surprised you hadn't already," I said honestly.

Nina shrugged, "It wasn't an issue. I never heard from him after we broke up. He'll have been drinking and been sent something from Leon probably."

I didn't feel jealous or even threatened by Nina's ex trying to contact her, if anything I was surprised with how balanced and calm Nina was about the whole thing. She looked tired though, "Let's leave it for tonight, yeah? Just turn your phone off and we'll deal with it tomorrow."

Nina nodded, "I doubt tomorrow my approach will have changed."

"I agree, but we've had a good night and quite frankly, he can sod off, he's not my priority right now."

"And what is your priority?" She asked with a sly grin.

My fingers traced all the way down her arm and latched around her hand, "You."

Nina's eyes brightened, "This seems like a situation I can manipulate to my advantage." 

"It could be."

She leaned in towards me and tugged on the end of my tie, "I think we should order chicken nuggets and be utterly disgusting and eat them in bed."

 A laugh exploded out of me, "You have a truly filthy mind, Nina Lawrence."

++

January 6th

"Hiya," I answered the phone as soon as seeing it was Nina calling, "What time is it? Shouldn't you be—"

"—I'm early," Nina hurried, "And I'm trying not to think about it."

I smiled down, shutting the washing machine with my hip, "You're going to do brilliantly."

"Shut up, Harry," She said quickly, "I didn't eat lunch because I was nervous and now I feel hungry and nervous." 

Nearly a week had gone by since New Years, and Nina had returned to rehearsals with the orchestra for their summer season. We had fallen into a nice routine of spending nights together either alone at my house or with Rodger and Max at hers. I still had a week before I had to get my work life chugging along again, so I was enjoying the time being a home body. 

Today, Nina was being interviewed for the magazine artist profile and despite handing over all the advice that I possibly could she was still worried over it. If anything it highlighted to me just how far I had come, I used to work myself up before certain interviews earlier on in my career. This was new to Nina.

"I've got a roast on," I decided to distract her. "And we have the rest of the pudding we made on the weekend for dessert."

"Oh, yes," Nina groaned, "I'm going to eat all of it. How's your day been?"

I let out a deep sigh,"Well, I had a brief moment of panic earlier when I couldn't find a matching pillow case but I went looking and found it in the towel pile, of all places! And I didn't have enough carrots so I've done half a pumpkin with dinner instead ..." Nina was laughing, "Sounds harrowing."

"We can't all be world class musicians learning symphonies and getting interviewed for magazine articles."

"It's amazing I stay so grounded," She quipped back.

"Truly remarkab—"

"—Oh!" Nina cried quietly, "I think she's just walked in."

"Smash it! You're a babe," I sang out to her. 

"See you later!"

++

[mortifyingideal]

i was tagged in this by the wonderful @fremulon (thanks cherry!) and accidentally deleted the whole thing twice so now i'm mostly just posting it out of spite and without a read more due to said spite. SUCK IT TUMBLR.

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

I have 10 published out loud and 1 published anonymously

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

226419

3. How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

okay so this is really only my most recent life. i have been around a lot. a lot. i was there, gandalf, during the superwholock years (and an active participant) so over the course of my life it's like

Harry Potter, Teen Titans, Sherlock, Doctor Who, Supernatural, Inception, Daredevil, The Avengers, The Musketeers, Wells & Wong Mysteries, Twin Peaks, Homestuck, Red vs Blue

but in this lifetime i'm just writing for Good Omens (and have written for DuckTales and Cruella)

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

1 — Loosely Ballroom (surprising absolutely nobody)

2 — Look Not Too Deep

3 — ergo propter hoc (okay this one is kind of a surprise actually but i'm very happy about it i love this fic)

4 — café au vin

5 — an institute you can't disparage

5. Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

i do! i try to respond to every comment i get on the day of/the day after i get it. i've met a lot of good friends this way, and i also just like taking the time to respond to people who've taken the time to respond to something i made. makes me feel good (plus i want everyone to like me)

the only downside is it can get a bit overwhelming at times? particularly with LB, which gets a shitload of comments per chapter and can take me up to two full days to read through them all and answer, and if i'm having a bad brain time i just cannot face doing it. so if you've ever left a comment and i've not responded, i promise It's not because i don't appreciate it. my brain machine just was going brmmmmmmmmm.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

i was going to say NONE BECAUSE I DON'T WRITE ANGST but i guess if i had to decide it would be the RVB fic that's on my ao3 right now, which has an angstily hopeful ending.

7. Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

hahahaha

CRAZY LIKE A FOX

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

not as far as i'm aware! i have had several uhhhhhhh overly familiar meant-to-be-jovial comments on/about the above crossover from people i don't really know very well that have told me i'm a terrible person or i've committed crimes while i'm out here like, cool this is art i made and put in the world for fun and believe in and i don't really... know you? but those comments were meant in good faith imo so i don't really think it counts as hate

9. Do you write smut? If so what kind?

the last time i tried to write smut, crowley got stabbed, so the kind that sends people to the hospital i guess?

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not to my knowledge. good luck formatting all the images and italics, anyone who might try.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

again, not to my knowledge!

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

infamously. it's the only reason anyone might have read this far. also attempting to collaborate on an as-of-yet-unfinished-project with @indieninja92 who is a creative genius with their finger in many, many pies. speaking of, have you visited hauntedswords.com recently?

13. What’s your all time favorite ship?

errrrrr i mean probably aziraphale/crowley, not to seem obvious. they've been with me since i was like 10 years old, they haven't gone anywhere, they will probably be bothering me until the day i die.

14. What’s a WIP you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I WILL FINISH ALL OF MY WIPs. okay no that's not true, i have the start of an inception fic that is a GO AU that i honestly think would have been fucking slammin' but the time for that has passed now.

15. What are your writing strengths?

a very definite sense of character voice, attention to detail in terms of enriching the world i'm writing in, dialogue dialogue dialogue, smash cuts (are they even called smash cuts in writing? WHATEVER THEY ARE I CAN DO THEM)

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

you are my collaborator. you send me back part of a chapter and tell me i have a sentence that is a bit too lengthy and doesn't work, and i need to edit it. i send it back to you. the sentence is now an entire paragraph and a half, with three jokes, a metaphor and a new line of dialogue embedded in it, changing the overall tone of the chapter. this is known as The Mort Special.

i also get very in my own head about not really being a good writer, or not being as good as the people (or person specifically i suppose) that i'm working with. i'm working on this! i'm not working on The Mort Special, though, that's always writing gold.

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

this is a really weird and specific question, who hurt you OP? errrr i guess much like any quirk of writing, it's fine when used sparingly and with a deft hand.

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

fuck me, probably Harry Potter? neopets roleplaying boards were a gateway drug.

19. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

this is the part where i pretend i'm going to say something other than Loosely Ballroom. i don't think i'll ever make something else in my life that's made me feel the way making that has. it's been—to delve into reality TV speak (and paraphrase crowley from a future chapter)—a real emotional rollercoaster.

plus it's just fuckin' funny isn't it.

tagging @phoenix-soar, @thyra279, @heycaricari, @stillseekwill and @katnoggin (and anyone else who might want to!)

[deathlikelead]

great news, briloved! totally using this as an excuse to write gallavich and andriel. 5. bar/restaurant au + 30. holiday fic, except i don't try very hard to make it fit the prompt or canon bc i'm me and this is my party. also p.s., as promised, this was written on my phone. directly under the ask. in a parking lot. it's not getting edited. it's also why i had to post this as a screenshot, bc i accidentally posted before it was finished and had to delete it so you couldn't see (;

outline:

• after graduation, dan gets a job coaching in chicago, so all the foxes are visiting her for the holidays

• neil drags andrew to the alibi this rundown bar he found bc he can't imagine kevin day, queen of exy, being caught dead there, and he needs a break

• mickey and ian come in to celebrate their engagement, which happens in november in this au bc i say so

• ig set the year after dan graduates for aftg, and obviously s10 for shameless, no i will not be taking questions

send me two prompts and a ship // read on ao3 // read on tumblr

"Why?" Andrew asks, peering up at the sign hanging over the rundown bar. The Alibi Room.

"Because I wanna get away from Kevin for a bit." Neil answers.

Andrew slides his gaze to Neil, his expression blank. He looks back up at the sign. "You're the one that wanted to come to this little family reunion. Why are you and Her Royal Highness fighting now?"

"We're not fighting." They are, but Neil didn't want to get away from Kevin just to have to talk about him. Neil is sure Andrew hears that statement for what it really means, so he's grateful when Andrew let's the subject drop and reaches for the door handle. They'll likely have to talk about it later, but for now, Neil follows Andrew into the warmth of the bar.

The inside of the bar is just as, if not more, rundown than the outside, with greenish-yellow lighting and decor that, aside from the flat screen television mounted on the far wall, probably hadn't been updated since the early 1980s. It has enough customers scattered around at tables and the bar that the chatter would drown them out if they want to talk in relative privacy, but not so many that it's overwhelming.

At the end of the bar closest to the door and furthest from other customers, Neil orders whiskey for the two of them and watches in silence while the unusually friendly bartender tries to make conversation with Andrew. "I've seen some of you guys' games on TV, but you know, I just don't get the sport," He said as he poured the first drink and places it in front of Neil. "I mean, not that you guys aren't totally impressive and all, but I don't get what the point is. I owe a gym, you know? If you guys are ever looking for a place to work out in Chicago."

Andrew gives the bartender an unimpressed look the entire time he's talking. Once he receives his own drink, he turns away from the bartender entirely, bored gaze focusing on the baseball game playing on the television for a few moments. Neil opens his mouth to say something, but is cut off before he gets the chance. "I'll throttle you if you make a comment about wanting to watch Exy right now." Neil closes his mouth and bites back an amused smile as Andrew turns forward on his bar stool again, choosing to stare at the wall behind the bar instead.

The baseball game isn't Exy, so Neil doesn't really care, but it is mildly more entertaining than staring at the wall, so Neil returns his attention to it before too long. He's finished his drink and ordered another by the time noise erupts from the doorway. Beside him, Andrew tenses, but doesn't make to leave. Neil sees Andrew watching him in his peripheral vision, so he turns to see what the commotion is about.

A rowdy group of people that's nearly as large as the Foxes were Neil's freshman year filters through the door. One of them, a sparkly eyed brunette who can't be much younger than Neil breaks away from the helm of the group to pound his hands on the table closest to the door. "Ladies and gentlemen," He announces once most of the customers have turned their attention towards him. He takes a step back from the table, giving a sweeping gesture towards two men still standing near the entrance, wrapped up around each other. "May I present the future Mr. and Mr. Gallagher-Milkovich?"

---- The taller Future Mr. Gallagher-Milkovich - Neil thinks he heard someone call him Ian, but he's not one hundred percent sure - is probably the biggest lightweight Neil has ever seen, even after two and a half years of college. He's had one beer and Neil isn't even sure if he finished it, but he's up, stumbling around the bar with his betrothed. They must be regulars here, since the other customers got up to help the giant wedding party in moving tables off to the sides of the bar to create space for a dance floor. Neil is also pretty sure that the person who offered up their smartphone to play slow songs over wasn't someone who came in with them.

When the song ends, another one that Neil doesn't recognize starts, but the grooms break up from each other. The dark haired one goes to retrieve his own beer from where he left it on the table, and Ian makes his way to the bar alone.

There's a shot and a glass of some clear liquid waiting for him when he arrives. Neil didn't see the bartender make the drink, but he hopes it's water. Even the shot seems ill advised. He leans over, grabbing the bartender by the arm and tugging him into an uncomfortable looking hug. "Thanks, Kev. For... like. Everything." Ian whispers, except he's drunk and it's not that quiet, since Neil can still hear him over all the other noise in the bar. The bartender, Kev apparently, pats his back and grins when they pull apart. "Of course, man. You guys are family."

He reminds me of Nicky, Neil thinks, watching Ian hold Kev hostage in an across the bar hug. He decides it best not to mention that to Andrew, who still hasn't made to leave, but has been getting steadily more tense the more strangers that filter into the bar.

He thinks it's strange, given Andrew seems to have no problem with all of the unfamiliar people that swarm around at Eden's Twilight. He's ready to chalk it up to the fact they're away from home, but he's startled out of his thoughts when Ian turns away from the bar. His arm catches on the drink he'd been ignoring, and he turns just quickly enough that it sends the drink sliding off the bar and into Andrew's lap. Ian looks entirely surprised, like the glass had materialized out of nowhere, but after a second for the shock to wear off, he's quickly pulling napkins from a dispenser and stepping closer. Neil is about to warn him off, but Andrew hisses, "Don't." It's only when Ian stops, handfuls of napkins inches away from Andrew's wet lap, that Neil realizes he was talking to Ian, not Neil.

"Are you okay?" Ian asks, taking a step back and setting the napkins on the bar in front of them instead. He moves slowly, and Neil can't tell if it's because he's trying to keep himself steady or if it's because of whatever he sees on Andrew's face that he feels he needs to fear.

"I'm not the one marrying a cartoon mouse." Andrew deadpans. Once Ian has backed off a few steps, Andrew grabs the napkins he was offered and starts using them to try to wring some of the water out of his soaked t-shirt. Neil isn't sure it's going to do him much good.

Neil is right, it doesn't do much good, as after a minute, Andrew gives up. He finishes the remainder of his whiskey and drops the wad of wet napkins into the empty glass on the bar. Then he turns to Neil and says, "Give me your jacket. We're leaving." Neil offers up his jacket without another word and watches as Andrew breezes out of the bar. He starts digging in his jeans pockets in search of his wallet so he can pay for their drinks, but is interrupted by Ian, who is still lingering by the bar.

"No, no! Wait, let me.. Let me pay for them. 'M sorry I ruined your date."

Hearing his scheme to avoid Kevin with Andrew referred to as a date makes Neil hide a grin, a private joke with himself, though he's sure he'll share it with Andrew later. He won't say no to free drinks, though. "Okay. Sorry for crashing your engagement party." Mickey, who Neil gathers is Ian's fiance and not a cartoon mouse (though he's about as big as one), approaches to wrap himself around Ian's side. Ian rests his cheek against the top of his head and grins like the happiest person in the world.

Ian waves when Neil turns to leave, and Neil idly waves back before opening the door. He exits the bar into a cloud of Andrew's cigarette smoke and walks past without stopping. When he feels Andrew fall into step beside him, he thinks he may be willing to go back and fight Ian for that happiest person title.

[nightswithkookmin]

MONDAY, JANUARY 18TH: GOLDY'S LOG

I miss Suga. Scratch that. I miss Agust D. My spirit animal.

I've been thinking about him a lot lately, wondering if his injury isn't an exemption to military service. I wonder if he qualifies, in light of his injury, as an able body. I wonder what their law defines as able body.

I wonder if he passed the legal physical exam and health assessment test when he turned 19, since he's had that injury way before debut. Or if BTS have undergone that mandatory military service assessment since they are all past 19 and what their results are.

Jimin has chronic back pain too. That should qualify him for an exemption to military duty. He can still do desk work if it's that serious.

I should talk to ***** and look into South Korea's law on exemptions to military service.

Moon values the arts and culture industry. There's already been an extension for conscription for the benefit of BTS. Their success and longevity in the spot light perhaps influenced this decision. Should BTS maintain this momentum, an exemption would be inevitable I feel.

I miss them. They've been gone for too long. I'm worried about the impact this is going to have on their popularity if they disconnect from fans for so long or be mechanical about the way they connect with their fans.

I hate the limited access to them. But Scarcity increases the value of a product and it's not surprising if this is the approach BigHit is adopting in the wake of the pandemic.

Limited access not only raises value, it creates demand. Bang PD is a bigbrain marketing genius- I hate it.

They are taking a huge risk with this new marketing strategy. Personally, I'd stick to what works but then I am no marketing guru. Just a consumer who likes to play it safe. I guess I won't be getting hired anytime soon. Fuck.

It's all very fascinating.

What's equally fascinating is the shippers out here on these streets. The Jokers.

I... they confuse the hell out of me sometimes.

How are they going to question my rationality when I talk about moments I feel Jikook are having issues in their relationship or had broken up etc but then have no problem with and even applaud that same rationality when I talk about moments that has led me to believe there is lack of depth in Tae Kook's dynamics or that they are not real by any standard or that another ship in BTS isn't real.

Do I have two minds? Or are they more inclined to be selective in their beliefs based on their biases towards Jikook and against other ships? It's weird.

By the same lens I define Jikook as real, I define Tae Kook or any other ship that includes JK and Jimin as not real. And by that same lens if I feel Jikook aren't together then I'm wrong and irrational?

It really confounds me.

Not sure if they expect me to apply double standards to Jikook in those instances.

I don't think there is right and wrong opinions or perspective when it comes to shipping, but I think if they are right about me being wrong about my perspective on Jikook then I must be wrong about my perspective on any other ship in BTS as well.

I can't be right about one and wrong about another. I'm either right about all or wrong about all.

I can't be 'right' about Tae Kook having 'issues' in their bond in such a way I think it often bars them from fully nurturing their bond and developing depth to it but then be 'wrong' about Jikook also having issues that mess with their bond from time to time when it's the same measurement I use in accessing the depth of bond of both ships.

I really don't understand their way of thinking.

What is right and what is wrong and who decides on that?

I think we ought to substitute right and wrong with 'believe and believable.' The approach to such discourse should be about what one is willing to believe or not believe about certain discussions: I believe this. I don't believe that. Because believes stem from our personal biases towards a subject.

And the people that come running to me with 'look, Jikook smiled at each other in On era so change your mind'

I would except I hear this debate all the time. I wonder if they realize they sound exactly like the Tuktukkers in my DMs trying to convince me Tae Kook is real.

'Look Tae sat on JK's laps! How can you say there is no depth to Tae kook' ' He squished JK's cheeks' 'Jk said he wants to ride with Tae, if there was no depth why did he say he wanted to ride with him'

I have a feeling Soft Koo is back. The days of Terminator JK might be over. Too bad, I liked terminator JK. He was a bad ass.

I like that he is experimenting with his looks. But I'm glad his Ravi-esque phase is over. I wonder who he is drawing inspiration from this time. He reminds me of Jimin though. There is something peaceful and serene about his looks.

Can't really tell much because Bighit is sitting on tons of footages. I think I need to send a truck to Bang PD HQ.

I don't like that Jimin posted a Vhopemin photo for Tae's birthday. It was cute and all but I don't like it. That shit felt passive aggressive as fuxk. Lmho. What, he didn't have a V or Vmin photo in his gallery? Sounds like someone didn't put much effort in their VMin agenda for this post.

I wonder if he will keep the same energy come JK's birthday. I mean both him and Tae didn't post for him💀

May be I'm reaching on this one. But a single post where V was not even the focus of the post... I think his birthday means a lot to him and he enjoys when people shower him with love and attention and I don't think his birthday is an exception.

And he kept reiterating after such said birthday how he recently discovered he loves to be loved and how he does most of the things he does in order to be loved by his fans, friends and family.

And it breaks my heart that, the headlines read BTS shower X, Y with love on his birthday but the two people close to him were missing from that list this time. The media talks about BTS posting for eachother as them showering eachother with love. Certainly they all know this.

And the fact Jin posted for Tae after Tae's birthday says a lot about Tae and JK. Tae had no intention of posting perhaps because he left JM a message on the packages. With Jin I feel he was overcompensating for not posting for him on his birthday...

JK gets a pass. If JM wasn't happy about him not posting for his birthday, he would have pulled a Jin.

Jimin talking about coming to the realization he loves to be loved makes me think JK withholding his affections openly made him come to the realization he loves to be loved. Just a hunch. And the only reason JK would withhold his affections is if Jimin himself estopps him. Those two give me headaches.

I think I got the closure I needed from this.

LESSON: dont get on JM's bad side and bloody post for his birthday 💀

Tae been releasing photos of Jimin and Jhope a lot lately. Not sure how that makes me feel either. I think it's beautiful. But when I think about all these beautiful photos he has of Jimin on his phone and how generous he is with them- I think they would have been more meaningful had he released it on JM's birthday. The snow photo he posted still sits in my Vmin heart somewhere.

I really don't like this not posting for each other's birthday business. It's 2021. They need to cut it out.

I feel JK set a bad precedent but personal happiness first so good for him.

This moment haunts me for some reason.

What was going through V's head. I want to know. RM looks done. Lol.

Jimin is really beautiful. I love his eyes when he smiles and the thing he does with his shoulders.

Some people complain I write a lot. Some say I don't write enough. Ayayayai!!!!!!

What to do.

I think I accidentally deleted a post.

I'm looking forward to JKK1. Stay Gold, Still with you, Your eyes tell... I hope he hasn't given his best away cos those were bops.

PJM1... oh God I'm nervous. I'm excited for it but nervous. I think Serendipity is a classic. The Christmas song was equally great and frankly the only good Christmas Ive heard so far and I don't even like Christmas- nothing against Baby Jesus I just think it sucks. That bridge in Dis-ease is something.

I want to read his thoughts. His spotify playlist is insightful but I want to confirm if he really sees himself as a mess who is always causing his lover grief.

I mean he did say he has realized he needs to be considerate towards those that love him. Not sure yet the connection there.

I want to read his thoughts.

PJM1....

I love JHOPE. I think his ship with Jimin is beautiful and healing. They make my insides warm. Not sure if their shippers think they are real. Do they? That would be awkward.

I think RM and Jimin need to spend time together... it would be good for them.

Jimin and Sungwoon shippers are alleging Jimin has been staying with Sungwoon all this while. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

But the bit about him living with Sungwoon before the start of Bon V 4 has me🤔

Around that period, I don't believe JM was at the dorms and Jikook were not together then too. He must have been staying somewhere...

I'll let them have that.

But around November 2019 when he was having issues with JK he was staying with Tae too so no I don't think that means Sungwoon is queer or that Jimin is sleeping with him💀

They need to get out of their imaginations.

I think Jikook will drive me crazy one day.

I can feel my cranium swelling.

JiRose shippers need to pack it up. They really think Jimin is straight? 💀

It's the bad editing for me.

That doesn't look like a straight face to me. Unless his butt was on fire and he was uncomfortable looking at that black interviewer, I think that's his flirting face.

Lately I've been thinking about what ifs.

What if Jikook is not real?

I wish I believed that.

[sleepingcrisis]

I'm gonna try writing something not super serious to hopefully get over my writers block and even if I hate it I'll post it. :/

***

The water glistened like a thousand stars when the sun hit it at just the right angle. Wave after wave after wave crashing against the beach.

They aren't on the beach though. They are on a boat. A yacht. A yacht owned my the Shindo family... or at least rented. Hiromi wasn't sure.

Speaking of things he wasn't sure about (and there was a great deal of them) he wasn't sure why he had been invited to this. He and Oka tended to get along with the more "serious" skaters these days he supposed. He was still very much aware that they didn't quite click.

But here they were! On a yacht as Cherry and Joe got into a competition of who could stack the most glasses. Because that was sure to end well.

Hiromi ignored it for now since it wasn't a problem he was interested in dealing with. Yes normally this would be his type of scene. Competition. Alcohol. Attractive men. Yet the reoccurring thought of "they are all out of your league and would happily send themselves to the hospital for the sake of a contest" nagged at the back of his brain.

There was Adam and Cherry who were more alike then they were different of course. They were also terrifying. Hiromi had heard rumors of skaters sent to the hospitals by their glares alone. During the tournament Cherry had been sent to the hospital by Adam and of course everyone assumed that was it. Adam was the better skater, right? Next time they beefed Cherry sent Adam to the hospital and his injuries were worse. He dubbed them "even"... they hadn't beefed since then. Probably for the best.

Then there was Snake. Snake who apparently liked to blend into the background. No fancy costume and he hardly ever skated. He was good though, Hiromi knew it. He effortly carried himself with this air of confidence.

The glasses on Kojiro’s growing stack were knocked over when Kaoru 'accidentally' bumped the table and Snake managed to catch all except one of them out of the eight. To be fair they were quite drunk so eight was probably impressive. Snake has great reflexes. Hiromi had seen it on and off the track.

"Shadow, go help Joe clean up. He needs some water and you are the only one freakishly large enough to drag him along," Cherry called, effectively snapping Hiromi out of his thoughts.

Hiromi was calling bullshit on that. He had seen Cherry drag Joe to the ground. Regardless he left his spot next to Oka before leaving with Joe into the kitchen.

Joe is massive. He is massive and a flirt and everyone likes him. Even people that try and hate him end up being attracted to his magnetic personality. Hiromi had nearly been jealous of the fact that Joe seemed to attract anyone, but he had embraced his own role as the antihero of S.

"Thanks Higa," Joe hummed. His voice is a low content buzz as he leaned into Hiromi. Hiromi sighed softly and helped him into the kitchen before helping him get some water.

"No problem, you three got drunk quickly. But usually you are having to take care of me so I don't mind!" Hiromi said quickly.

"Good," Joe hummed and Hiromi could see this look in his eyes. Pupils blown and hands against the counter as he leaned back, effectively pushing his chest out.

"Good?" Hiromi tilted his head, confused.

"Well good for me. I get to be drunk and look at how handsome you are while Cherry and Adam fight over Oka," Joe explained as if that made perfect sense.

"What?" Hiromi nearly dropped the glass before offering it over to Joe.

"Well Oka is at least appearance wise Adam’s type and Cherry has always found him charming, but I have a bet going that you have a lot more piercings then meets the eye and I want to see all of—"

"That isn't what I meant!" Hiromi hissed as his face flushed red.

He was still figuring himself out and he knew for a fact that Oka was too. So now the guys that were supposedly 'out of his league' were trying to—

"Well what did you mean Higa? I would like to hurry this along to I can make my intentions crystal—"

Joe doesn't get to finish his sentence though because Tadashi interrupted them by pushing the door open.

"We are heading back," Tadashi announced.

"Sounds good!" Joe called and gave him a friendly wave.

"I guess our time is up Hiromi. Hopefully we have more time together, hm?" Joe suggested.

"Uh..." Hiromi is nearly stunned to silence before he manages out a soft, "yeah... sure."

***

Didn't help with my writers block... I don't completely hate it though.

Didn't edit because if I did I would delete it lmao.

[edettethegreat]

How to stage King Lear so that Edmund’s 100% more sympathetic and Gloucester’s 100% more of a jerk

( the prequel )

( the sequel )

(This is 100% about Edmund. If you wanna read stuff about other characters then this isn’t the post for you)

(Seriously this isn’t about anyone other than Edmund)

(This is your final warning- enjoy!)

(Or don’t I don’t care I’m really tired and I have midterms to study for)

General Staging 

-every time Edmund and Gloucester are on stage together, they gravitate away from each other. Kinda like what happens when you try to push two magnets together. If one takes a step towards the other, the other moves away.

-Gloucester rarely ever looks at Edmund. He often walks in front of him when both are walking together. In scenes where a three way conversation is taking place between himself, Edmund, and someone else, he looks at the other person the whole time.

-Edmund faces away from people when he’s lying to them. Often by standing in front of them (but like, across the stage from them so the audience can see them both) (like this—->)

(I deleted the picture accidentally this is not ok now I have to draw it again)

Casting/ Costumes

-(I’m only gonna be talking about the characters that I actually care about how they’re cast)

-Edmund: someone of average height, yet shorter than Gloucester, Edgar, and Cornwall. Around the same height as Albany and Goneril. Taller than Regan. Is attractive (obviously. That’s one of the first things we’re told about him), but leaning more towards cute than hot (as per my analysis in a previous post). Wears shades of grey- all of his costumes make it clear that he’s upper class, but they’re not overly flashy. 

-Gloucester: If I get even one Santa Claus vibe, I’m gonna punch a wall. He should have zero resemblance to Santa. I just saw a production of Lear where he may as well have been a mall Santa. I wanted to scream. Anyway. Onto what he should look like. I honestly don’t care, as long as i can’t mistake him for Santa. It’s the vibe that counts. ANYWAY. His costume is obnoxiously ostentatious, but it gets gradually more normal as the overall stress level increases. 

-Edgar: taller than Edmund, and physically more muscular, but in like “Disney channel movie football player side character who’s no one’s primary love interest and is kinda dumb” sort of way. (Future Edette Editing: What I meant was “he’s a himbo”) He’s not ultra hot, but he’s not exactly ugly either. He’s pretty average looking. He wears shades of brown, because I feel like that suits him.

-Cornwall: tall but doesn’t give off Tall Person Vibes. Preferably with dark brown or black hair, but other colors can work as well. I cannot imagine him wearing anything other than suits that are mostly black with some shades of red somewhere- I don’t care how you incorporate the shades of red into his costume, as long as they’re there. 

-Albany: has a dark shade of blond hair, or a medium shade of brown hair. Any other hair color just doesn’t work. (Future Edette Editing: any color hair other than black is fine for Albany). Dresses sensibly and wears really boring costumes.

-Goneril, Regan, and Cordelia have at least a little bit of a family resemblance. Please. Their costumes are similar as well- all wear standard types of clothes you’d expect the princesses of England to wear. 

ACT 1 SCENE 1

- Gloucester and Kent enter the stage with Edmund trailing behind them. They’re entering the palace from outside. Idk how England’s weather works, but I decided that the whole play takes place in the fall. I’m not wrong. It does. It doesn’t feel like the sort of play to take place in any other season. You can all fight me on this in the comments, I have no evidence to back up this claim. Anyway, they’re all wear jackets. Because it’s fall.

-As Kent and Gloucester say their first lines, they take their jackets off. It’s hot inside the palace. Edmund leaves his jacket on. It’s not a heavy jacket. He’ll be fine.

-As Gloucester finishes up his first line “...can make choice of either’s moiety” he hands his jacket to Edmund. He does this in a very natural way- it’s clear this is something he does instinctively, without thinking about it. Edmund takes it. He takes it instinctively as well, without thinking about it. 

-Kent, watching this says the line “Is not this your son, my lord?”. As in “hey dude. Isn’t he your kid? Why are you treating him like a servant or a coatrack?”

-at “His breeding, sir, hath been at my charge”, Gloucester puts a hand on Edmund’s shoulder in a “yes this is my son” sort of way. He does that a bit too roughly- not in any attempt to hurt Edmund, but definitely showing that he’s doing it for show and not in genuine fatherly affection.

-While Gloucester talks about Edmund, a waiter goes around with champagne glasses. Maybe they have actual liquid (ie water) in them, maybe not. I don’t care. Anyway, both Gloucester and Edmund take one. 

-As Gloucester continues talking, he slowly sips whatever alcoholic beverage is in the champagne glass. (Probably champagne, but hey, I’m no expert on alcohol). NO, this isn’t to imply that he’s only speaking Like That (TM) because he’s drunk. He is not drunk. 

-meanwhile Edmund downs the whole glass, in the standard theatre way of “I don’t wanna be here and I don’t wanna deal with this”

-Gloucester hands his empty glass to Edmund. He seems to suddenly remember that Edmund is, in fact, there. He says him line “Do you know this noble gentleman, Edmund?”

-At “my services to your lordship” he would bow or something (I don’t know English nobility etiquette, sorry), but he’s currently holding two glasses and a jacket, so he partially bows to the best of his ability. 

ACT 1 SCENE 2 

- A main set piece for this play would be a door or two on wheels that can be moved around. People really like entering and exiting buildings.

-ANYWAY. Edmund comes in through said door, currently located at the back of the stage. Gloucester house have a portrait of Gloucester family in huge on the wall. Gloucester’s in the middle, with Edgar on one said and Edmund on the other. At this point this should go without saying, but the gap between Gloucester and Edmund is much larger than the gap between Gloucester and Edgar. There’s also a desk and chair somewhere on stage.

-As he starts his first soliloquy, he takes off his jacket that he was wearing in scene 1 and drapes it over the back of the chair

-at “legitimate Edgar, I must have your land”, he turns towards the portrait and looks at Edgar. Then there’s a pause in the soliloquy as he goes over to the desk and writes The Letter (TM). Then he continues the soliloquy with “Our father’s love is to the bastard Edmund..”

-Gloucester enters. He doesn’t notice Edmund. 

-As Gloucester asks Edmund for the letter, he and Edmund slowly circle around the stage, the way you’d see animals circling when they’re preparing to fight each other. They’re not going to fight. Not directly at least.

-Gloucester doesn’t make direct eye contact with Edmund for most of this scene

-Until he does, at the line “Give me the letter, sir.”. The line itself is said very forcefully. Both Gloucester and Edmund have stopped circling each other. They stand at opposite ends of the stage. There is a pause, and then Edmund takes the letter back out of his pocket and gives it as he continues saying his lines.

-Gloucester spends the remainder of the scene looking at the letter instead of at Edmund.

-“Edmund, seek him out..” is said very offhandedly, like he’s giving an order to a servant, rather than talking to his own son

-Gloucester leaves, Edmund sinks into the chair at the desk. He puts his head down on the desk and leaves it there for a solid second. He starts his soliloquy with his head still down. (Future Edette Editing: I still want something here to show that Edmund doesn’t get any enjoyment from this- he’s doing it out of anger, or as revenge, or to gain what should have been his, had things been slightly different, or possibly as a means of survival. Basically, he’s not doing this to have a fun time at deceiving anyone) He’s not enjoying what he’s doing- he’s not rejoicing at what is seemingly his success- he sees that it doesn’t make a difference. Gloucester would rather have no sons than only have him. 

-Edgar enters. Edgar enters in a great mood. His optimism is turned up to a solid 100%. 

-“How now, brother Edmund!” He speed-walks over to Edmund, who’s standing near the middle of the stage at this point. He does something brotherly- I don’t know what that would even mean, given that I am a girl with no brothers. He puts his arm around his shoulder or ruffles his hair or something. That’s the vibe I’m going for. The “haha yeah we’re siblings and we totally get along” vibe. Edmund is, however, not vibing.

(-if the second option is what we’re going with, Edmund takes a moment to fix his hair. A very short moment, but a moment none the less)

-Edgar notices that Edmund does not seem to be vibing, and that’s when he continues with his line “what serious contemplation are you in?”

- at “..go armed”, Edmund hands Edgar his own sword. This is the sword Edgar will later use to kill him. 

ACT 2 SCENE 1

- On Edmund’s conversation with Curan: This is the first conversation Edmund’s having with someone without there being any uncomfortable tension between them. They talk in a casual way, and it’s clear that outside of the play they would be friends, regardless of status. Why would they be friends? Because I decided they should be. 

-Edgar is doubly armed- with Edmund’s sword and with his own. He was planning on returning Edmund’s sword. When they “fight” Edgar uses Edmund’s sword and Edmund uses Edgar’s. They have different types of swords- Edmund’s- which is now Edgar’s- is slightly shorter and lighter. Edgar’s- which is now Edmund’s- is a two handed sword. These details are slightly irrelevant, but I feel like their weapon of choice (even though they’re using each other’s weapons (ie not their weapons of choice)) should match their personalities. 

- Edgar just. Has NO idea what’s up with Edmund’s “hey we gotta sword fight now” thing. It should be clear to the audience that he’s ONLY going along with it because he trusts Edmund entirely.

-during the fight, Edmund slashes the family portrait with his sword, cutting a line between Edgar and Gloucester. Is this cliche? Yes. Must it happen anyway, because ✨symbolism✨? Yes.

-Edgar leaves through The Door I keep talking about

- Edmund stabs his non-dominant arm. This is relevant and important.

- “But where is he?” Gloucester hasn’t even noticed at this point that Edmund was injured in the “fight”. “Look, sir, I bleed!” Is Edmund’s attempt to get Gloucester’s attention. It’s his way of saying “I got injured for YOUR sake. THAT’S how good of a son I am!!”

- “where is the villain, Edmund?” The word “villain”, not the word “Edmund” is emphasized. While his seemingly innocent a son is standing there with his arm stabbed and bleeding, he’s more concerned with the son who supposedly plotted against him, but is currently running away now and is of no threat to him. 

- (this is the point where I get really into @suits-of-woe’s Cornwall theory, because while I had never thought of it before, as soon as I read it I agreed with it completely. Please go read the theory if you haven’t already.)

- While Gloucester rarely looks at Edmund, Cornwall’s eyes go straight to Edmund as soon as he enters the room. Edmund doesn’t notice- he’s too busy trying to support his stabbed arm in a functional way without bleeding everywhere

-while Gloucester and Regan are talking, Cornwall calls a servant aside and whispers to him. The servant leaves. He asked the servant to get Edmund bandages because his arm has LITERALLY been STABBED and no one’s doing anything about it. 

- Edmund’s focused on his arm until Cornwall’s line of “Edmund, I hear that you have shown your father a very child-like office”. Finally, someone appreciates him! At “It was my duty, sir”, it’s clear that there’s some sort of understanding between them. They somewhat get that they’re on the same side. There is a short pause.

 - “...and received this hurt you see” Gloucester, being Gloucester, grabs Edmund’s injured arm to “show it off” to Regan and Cornwall. Edmund, master of hiding his emotions and such, winces for a millisecond but then goes back to “ah yes everything is ok and I am totally not condensed rage in human form”.

(Future Edette Editing: I am *so glad* I’m editing this because I really don’t like some of the stuff I shoved in here to try to cater this to a larger audience)

-after “..how in my strength you please”, that servant Cornwall called returns. As he says “For you, Edmund, whose virtue and obedience..” until the end of that paragraph Cornwall takes the bandage and bandages Edmund’s arm- I mean no one else is gonna do it. That, combined with the content of what Cornwall says in the paragraph, lead Edmund to be like “wait. Is this?? A father figure???” “a father figure? For ME???” 

(-Hence the Cornwall theory I mentioned earlier) 

- “I shall serve you, sir, truly, however else” this is the first line he’ll say in a way that it’s clear to everyone (mainly the audience) that he’s 100% sincere. He’s not trying to be deceptive. He’s not trying to trick anyone. He says it softly and truly means it.

-Edmund’s arm remains bandaged for the remainder of the play. (It’s not heavily bandaged or anything)

ACT  2 SCENE 2 

- At “How now! What’s the matter?..” Edmund comes out holding Edgar’s- which is now his, I guess- sword. He’s holding it well enough, considering it’s a two handed sword and he just stabbed himself in the arm, but it’s pretty clear that he won’t be able to win a fight with it. Don’t worry, he’ll get a new sword before his final duel.

-at “no more, perchance, does mine, nor his, nor hers” “his” is referring to Gloucester, not Edmund. This isn’t because Cornwall is ignoring Edmund, it’s because that’s just the order they’re standing in. Edmund entered this scene first out of the four of them, so while Kent and Oswald are on one side of the stage, Edmund stands towards the middle, and Cornwall, Gloucester, and Regan stand at the other side. 

ACT 3 SCENE 3

-Gloucester is angry in this scene. Why is he angry? Because I say so. He says all his lines in an angry and bitter way. Which may be counterproductive- having Gloucester be angry about how Lear is treated may make him more likable, which isn’t my goal. But I don’t care.

-Edmund says his paragraph at the end in a bitter and angry way too. Because ✨ parallels ✨

ACT 3 SCENE 5

-Cornwall is Gloucester’s opposite when it comes to how they react to/ treat Edmund. While Gloucester rarely looks at him and has an anti-magnetic effect, Cornwall stands near Edmund on the stage and looks at him both when he’s speaking to him and when Edmund’s replying. And not in a “good eye contact is important” sort of way, because Edmund faces away from people when he lies to them. Just for staging reasons, not because he can’t lie when facing people. 

-Cornwall knows Edmund’s lying- he shows this by constantly moving so that he’s nearly always standing beside him instead of behind him (not actually directly behind him; scroll up for General Staging, where I explained this.)

-At “go with me to the duchess” Cornwall puts a hand on Edmund’s shoulder, directly paralleling  Gloucester in Act 1 Scene 1. Because I really like ✨parallels✨. Except Cornwall, the same guy who said “thou shalt find a dearer father in my love”, does this in a much more- fatherly, I guess?- way than Gloucester did.

-At “if the matter of this paper be certain...” Edmund does what he does when he lies; ie tries to turn away and takes maybe half a step back. He pretty much trusts Cornwall enough to not walk halfway across the stage when he lies, but not enough for him to either lie directly to his face (or just tell the truth, I guess- but that’s because the whole point of this is to stick to the original script and use only stage directions to make Edmund more sympathetic).

-At “True or false, it has made thee earl of Gloucester...” Cornwall puts his other hand on Edmund’s other shoulder (wow I’m bad at describing things) 

Here are some stock photos to help ya visualize this-

THIS is putting one hand on a shoulder. Note that the two people aren’t necessarily facing each other.

AND THIS is putting both hands on shoulders-

(So imagine that, but minus how aggressive that looks, and minus one of the people’s arms. Also a whole lot less tense/intense.) (Anyway. Moving on.)

-at “thou shalt find a dearer father in my love” (...cue me googling “how on earth do fathers show affection?” Because I really want to get the point across that edmund’s like “a father figure??? For me???” And Cornwall’s like “👍. A father figure. For you.”) HECK I GOT IT. Hear me out. Cornwall pats Edmund on the head (in like, a fatherly way), and with the other hand hold The Letter (TM) (even though this is a different “the letter”) and looks it over. This is the first time he looked away from Edmund since this conversation started. In a way that portrays “yes you are my son now I have claimed you as my own” but also “you are not necessarily my top priority- I can give you the fatherly love and affection you desire, but it’s not exactly unconditional. You did well today, good job! You keep up the good work and I’ll keep up my end of this; ie providing you with the fatherly love you never received in your childhood” ( @suits-of-woe I am trying here. I am struggling. I’m so sorry for ruining the Cornwall Theory like this- I’m trying my best to convey it via my amazing stage directions, but I can see pretty clearly that I’m epically failing at this).

ACT 3 SCENE 7

-Cornwall walks onto the stage first, followed by Goneril and Regan close behind them, and Edmund last. 

-at “Farewell, sweet lord, and sister”, Cornwall nods at Goneril in response (this has nothing to do with Edmund, I always just thought it was weird that he doesn’t respond) 

- at “Edmund,.. farewell” Goneril had already left the stage, Regan is standing next to Cornwall at the opposite end of the stage. Edmund’s about to exit when Cornwall says “Edmund”. He turns around- expecting Cornwall to say something more to him or something. There’s a pause. Cornwall doesn’t have anything else to say. He just says “Farewell”. Edmund nods and leaves the stage.

ACT 4 SCENE 2

-oh heck I gotta stage an Edmund and Goneril scene now

-I don’t wanna?

(Future Edette Editing: and so I won’t!! I don’t normally describe things as cringe, but that’s what this was. I only put this in because I felt obligated to talk about every scene. Oh well- I guess 4.2 isn’t getting stage directions from me)

ACT 5 SCENE 1

-Edmund enters first, dressed in some sort of military commander uniform. Because. Like. There’s a war going on. His sleeves are rolled up/cuffed up to elbow length, and his arm is still bandaged from when he stabbed it.

-there is a tent with a desk in it on stage. Hold on let me illustrate this:

(Future Edette Editing: yeah there was an illustration here, but I’m changing some stuff so I deleted it)

It’s all on wheels so it can be moved around the stage- whichever piece is the most important to the scene will be more up front.

-Edmund stands at the desk which has some military plans of some sort on it.

-Edmund is armed with a brand new sword (Cornwall’s sword? Maybe? Who knows?) (UPDATE: yeah hi future Edette here- I decided that it is, in fact, Cornwall’s sword)

-With Regan, Edmund also doesn’t get that she’s flirting with him right away.

-and then. Then he’s like “OH WAIT” “WAIT SHE’S FLIRTING” “WAIT SO I GOT 2 GIRLFRIENDS??” “OH WOW THIS IS FANTASTIC” “THIS IS LITERALLY THE BEST WEEK OF MY LIFE” (lol Edmund it’s also the last week of your life)

-he 100% realized at “No, by mine honor, madam”.

-Albany stands at the opposite end of the desk. He never moves any closer or further from Edmund than the opposite end of the desk. Goneril would have moved closer but Albany is blocking her.

-as Edmund leaves he puts on his military commander hat of some sort and adjusts it while looking in a mirror or some other reflective surface. Just to show he’s still the same Edmund from act one- he still cares about his appearance to an extent.

-at “the enemy’s in view, draw up your powers.” Edmund half-jogs in back onto the stage- showing that he wasn’t just commanding the soldiers ( if he was he’d have been walking at a moderate pace), but he was actually with them, to some extent, fighting along side them on the battlefield. 

- (Future Edette Editing here: yeah so I deleted the notes on the soliloquy here. I didn’t like them. Oh well.)

ACT 5 SCENE 3

-wow it’s hard to make this Edmund guy redeemable/sympathetic when he kills off Cordelia. Like. He really didn’t need to do that

-why, Edmund. Why must you do this. 

-you’re making my job here (ie to make you sympathetic) very difficult.

-ANYWAY. I’ll do what I can for this scene

-The captain here? Yeah, he’s Curan from earlier. Edmund made him a captain. There you have it, Edmund’s one semi-redeeming factor for this scene

-I really don’t know how to have this part play out in a way that makes the audience sympathize with Edmund. This is the best I can do.

(Future Edette Editing: yeah so honestly killing off Cordelia and Lear was a logical and strategic move to make, tbh. ((Not morally fantastic. But logical.)) Because yeah Albany would have left them alive and then what? They’d get the throne? Let’s be real here- the country’s already collapsing- the last thing you need is Lear or Cordelia on the throne. Even *Albany* would do a better job than either of them. And he wouldn’t do anything at all. So. Yeah.)

-I’m so burnt out right now I know this isn’t the quality content you came here for but I don’t know how to get this back on track either. ANYWAY I am dedicated to finishing this. Let’s go! There isn’t much left to the play! I’m almost done!

-at “Sir, by your patience, I hold you but a subject of war..” Albany speaks in a very harsh tone- talking to Edmund as if he were a child who interrupted class for like the eighth time that day. Albany’s just salty that his wife likes Edmund more than him.

(Future Edette Editing: Sorry if this doesn’t flow well here anymore- I deleted a bunch of stuff)

-as the argument continues, Regan and Goneril get more frantic because they see they’re not winning.

-Albany gets louder and angrier because he’s frustrated that his wife likes Edmund more than she likes him. Also because at this point, he pretty much hates Edmund.

-Edmund, however, is the quietest out of all the yelling people around him. He doesn’t like arguments- or rather, he doesn’t like when he’s the one the argument is directed towards. He tries to stay calm and talk in a level voice. As everyone around him argues he tries to step in between them and silently play the role of peacekeeper. 

-at “Nor in thine, my lord” Edmund is still calm./ not yelling at him. He says it like he’s stating a fact, not contributing to the argument.

-at “half blooded fellow, yes!” My book’s translation to modern english say “Bastard, it is!”. And like. No one’s called him a bastard for like 4 whole acts now. All I have to say to this is Big Oof. (Is that a dead meme? Yeah. Probably.) Edmund is surprised at first- then glares at him- in a way saying “oh? You want to go there? We can go there. I’ll gladly fight you with my own two hands.”

-at “I will mainly my truth and honor” he draws his sword, which I have now decided definitely is Cornwall’s sword. Why does he have it? Idk, Regan probably gave it to him.

-As Edgar and Albany talk before the fight, Edmund swings his sword at nothing in particular- the way you’d see people warming up for a fight. This sword is not a two handed sword, so he’ll be fine even with his stabbed arm. As I mentioned earlier, he stabbed his non-dominant arm, so his sword arm is fine.

-at “In wisdom I should ask thy name..” he does something to indicate that he might know it’s Edgar. What does he do? I don’t know. Something with a whole lot of ✨symbolism✨. I’ll figure it out before posting this. Or maybe I won’t. (Future Edette Editing: Yeah so I figured out what to do here slightly after, and I have a whole post about it- but to sum it up, he looks at the *mysterious masked man*’s sword (which as you may recall was his). And he’s like “oh. Oh. Ok then.”)

-they fight. Edgar (as I previously mentioned) is using the sword Edmund gave him at the beginning. Edmund is using Cornwall’s sword. 

-As they fight it’s clear that they’re pretty evenly matched. (I mean. Then again, Edmund was just helping in battle like two seconds ago while Edgar was just chilling with his half dead/dead father. So. Edmund’s trying to win a duel after just doing a bunch of exhausting physical activity while Edgar is not.)  (Edmund would win if they were fighting when they were both at their strongest)

-(I’ve mentioned this in a previous post, but I’m gonna restate it so that you don’t mess up on how you imagine the fight going down. There’s only one valid interpretation of it, and it’s my own interpretation. That has literally never been used in any production. Yup. That’s the only valid way to imagine the duel.) ANYWAY. As they fight, Edmund seems to be about to win, when Edgar hits his already stabbed arm. Edmund loses focus in that one moment, because. Like. That’s painful. (I was gonna say he drops his sword, but does he? Does that work? I don’t know. If he does or doesn’t, it’s valid either way). Then Edgar stabs him. With is kinda even more painful, and somewhat fatal. 

-After he’s stabbed, some random soldier brings him to the tent toward the back of the stage, where he stays until he’s brought off stage

Here’s an illustration to help you picture this:

-Edmund is more focused on his wound than the conversation. His tone and body language for the rest of the play conveys “You won! I lost! I’m sorry! Can I get medical attention now??”

-Headcanon that Edmund would have lived if he would have gotten some medical attention sooner 

-at “yet Edmund was beloved” he does a little sarcastic laugh (not like a laugh laugh, more like a cynical nose exhale?)- he sees the irony of how all three of them trying to take their rightful power, and all dying at the same time as a result of it.

-while Edmund tells them they still have time to save Cordelia, he sinks down/lies down. He already accepted the fact that he’s going to die. 

-while he’s delivering this news, Edgar and Albany look at him in shock and then at each other. From there to the rest of the scene, no one looks at Edmund again. Not because they don’t like him, just because they find him irrelevant now (which Albany outright states a few lines from here).

-When Albany tells the soldiers to take Edmund off the satge/away from there, he doesn’t look at Edmund, he just vaguely motions to him.

-At “Edmund is dead, my lord” “That’s but a trifle here”, Albany barely turns to look at the messenger. He doesn’t care that Edmund is dead. No one does. The wheel has come full circle. No one cared about Edmund at the start, and he’s just as irrelevant now. Edmund wanted to be something to people. He would have wanted them to react to his death. If they had celebrated it, he would have been happier than if they ignored it. He doesn’t even get that much.

-The Curtains Close. The Play Is Over-

[hiddensandtrap]

I think one of the detrimental things about social media is how it kind of masquerades as a private thing, on one level, while actually being extremely public.

And to some extent I actually do think this is unintentional. Humans have had an urge to record their thoughts ever since the first writing implements were invented, which is quite a bit different from public speaking. Keeping a diary, sharing secrets with a single intimately trusted loved one, writing letters and burning them, talking to the family pet, or the shrine, or a ghost at their grave, or the old tree or funny-looking rock that inspires some degree of interaction, even some types of prayer, is all more or less acting as a way to let the speaker voice their thoughts and sort them out for themselves rather than present them to the wider community as a confident dissertation. It’s communication but it’s private. Personal.

Social media can deceive you into feeling like this is what you’re doing, when it’s not. The computer, smart phone, tablet, etc, is not a person. It’s a machine. Even more, it’s a machine with video games and programs on it - things where you interact and you get impersonal little rewards, stars and points and hearts and other prizes that can make you conceptualize this as a device where you put in interaction and can accumulate things to ‘win’.

If you’re not internet famous, then most of the time when you make posts on social media it’s just more of this pattern. You post a video or a thought or a picture and some of however many people who follow you hit little buttons and you get hearts or thumb’s ups or a number gets bigger. Maybe you get one or two small comments of agreement or support. This can make it feel a little inferior to just write your thoughts in an actual private journal or something, which doesn’t give you any kind of treat for doing so.

But unless you’re actually on private settings or in a small, controlled group like a discord server of friends or a small forum, the idea that the space is private is a complete illusion. Intellectually of course people know that, but intuitively? You’re not standing up in front of a crowd to give a lecture. There are no crowds there in person to stare you down, there isn’t even a film crew or live audience as there might be for a television broadcast. You’re just fiddling around with an electronic tool. A toy.

So when a post unexpectedly blows up, it’s like finding out that someone put a wire on your dog and then published your idle ranting during the late night walk to an international newspaper with worldwide distribution. Suddenly strangers are giving opinions on something you were utterly unprepared to discuss with actual people. You never really thought about whether or not this was something you were prepared to see hijacked into a fandom or meme. You didn’t brace yourself for counterpoints or people taking your topic and running with it. You definitely didn’t try and phrase things to carefully avoid honest misinterpretations, let alone malicious ones. Public speakers often get training, speeches are drafted and re-drafted, even if someone’s just standing up in front of a room of thirty people they will generally take more care with their words than when they’re rambling at their houseplants. Even people who publish their diaries tend to edit them a lot before they do so.

Social media makes it possible for something you think is akin to a journal entry to be seen by thousands or even millions of people, and it can be impossible to predict when something you post will suddenly get attention. Screenshots or reposts can migrate across websites to places you’ve never even been and linger long after you’ve deleted your accounts. You could say something you absolutely meant to be a joke and have people replying to you in utter seriousness, something you made can go viral for retorts that are mocking it, you can have the reverse happen and accidentally contribute to someone’s post facing widespread derision, and so on and on, all because you decided to put your diary entry into the points machine instead of writing it in a private doc or on a physical page.

And so of COURSE people get pissed when this happens, of course we see more and more people on social media with DNI’s and angry retorts to the ‘wrong kind’ of interaction with their posts, whether it’s actual disagreement or a matter of tonal dissonance or even any perceivable interaction at all that’s setting us off. It’s more than just the inevitability that any popular post will end up being seen by people who strongly disagree with or abhor whatever it’s about, but this incensed, wearied outrage that strangers are making jokes or misunderstanding or using it as a jumping off point to discuss other topics or tagging it with the wrong words or or or-! It’s mine! Stop it! Go away! You weren’t supposed to actually perceive it, or at least not do anything with that perception except silently approve!

But.

We’re in public. Like this post, right here, might not go anywhere, but functionally I may as well be tacking it to a billboard that says ‘To Engage With’ on top. No way of knowing who will actually see it or what they might do with it. The contradiction of doing that and then dreading actual engagement is striking. ‘Don’t clown around about this’ I might as well say as I print it onto fliers and go to the circus to hand it out. You see where the problems come in? Social media runs on a business model of advertising and data collection, which requires engagement. The interface and the increasingly ubiquitous nature of it obfuscates that you are doing everything in front of an audience, whether by design or by accident. Maybe 99% of the time it’s a very small audience, but at any given moment it could become a very, very, very large one. You can’t actually control it. Trying to introduce more layers of etiquette to make a huge public space act more like a small private one won’t work, mostly in the end you’ll just be giving people more things to feel outraged about.

The only thing that will work is to acknowledge that places like tumblr, and twitter, and instagram, youtube, tiktok, etc, are mainly public spaces and anything you post on them has the potential to be seen and shared by thousands of strangers. You don’t have to mind your manners if you don’t want to, but if the thought of people really reacting to or interacting with something you post in anything but the most passive and benign ways seems unpleasant to you? Don’t post it! Just don’t make that post! If you don’t want to deal with idiots then don’t try and start an awareness campaign! If having someone take your vent post 100% seriously seems exhausting then don’t put that shit on twitter! If you would rather eat glass than see someone append a supernatural GIF to your poem about depression, do not put it on tumblr, for the love of god. You don’t have to WANT these interactions or others, but at least take two seconds to stop and ask yourself ‘what will happen if this actually gets popular, what will happen if it doesn’t, and would any of that distress me to the point where I’d regret making it?’

If the answer is ‘yes’, log out of your social media accounts and maybe try writing in a journal or making a personal video diary or texting a friend about this topic instead. Force yourself to recollect the layers between having a thought, expressing that thought, expressing that thought to some people, and expressing that thought to everyone. And I don’t mean that in a ‘keep it all safe for work’ kind of a way, I mean that in a ‘if you bring up a subject in public, you make it infinitely more likely that someone will respond’ kind of a way. Do you actually want responses?

Think carefully. It might save you a lot of stress in the long run.