#actually so funny that she wrote to sue being all dramatic and then she was like actually no ignore everything i said and yet SHE STILL SENT | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

faunastanza · 2 months

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Circlet of the Sun pt. 3

(part 2) (part 4)

Sila and Papaya go back and forth about the script some more, with Papaya repeatedly saying how much she loathes Sila but never says it to her face. They does have a funny line about how she makes an expression that doesn't make sense though.

there's an emoticon for this somewhere

The impression throughout all this ranting is that Sila likes dramatic anime-like fight scenes for her Mary Sue. Doesn't seem like a crime to me but I guess I wasn't there. She is mocked for it. More direct parallels are drawn between Glip's abusive real life dad and the real life gun he threatened his family with and this person on the internet who wrote bad stories and hurt people's feelings.

After a bunch of that, we cut back to Papaya and a new character, Jaxi, at the shop. Jaxi is a stand-in for one of Glip's real life partners Axi, I'm pretty sure. Anyway, Jaxi says that Sila came to them the next day and told them about what happened, and that Papaya really scared her when she yelled at her. They say that, knowing Glip, scaring her would have been intentional. They say Glip shouldn't be so mean to someone who's doing their best and trying to help. Glip doesn't remember yelling or why. Hey, guess what train of logic shows up again! Guess! GO ON! GUESS!!!

sure have trouble remembering when i yell at people for some reason

Papaya says she feels ashamed and starts to explain (crossed out) BLAME herself. She says she should have known better and shouldn't have yelled and just explained it calmly for the tenth time but instead she yelled. "I'm so tired of everyone being scared of me," she says. Gee, I wonder why that would be? Maybe this whole VN is a reason. Jaxi says that Sila is really scared of her and they can't think of a reason now to tell her why she shouldn't be.

We cut back to Tox and her two minions. Inkcat is called Vacuumania which makes me think of a fetish site more than a character name but hey. Toxinuate throws a pity party about how her two friends, Obverse and Vacuumania, tell her everything she does wrong and that makes her get better at things, which is a theme that came up when Tox was first introduced. This whole scene has very weird vibes since it seems like Glip is aiming this at Jaxi, their real life partner, who was talking to them completely reasonably a second ago. I don't know man. It's weird, that's what I'm saying.

i'm not talking about you, jaxi! (or am i)

Tox keeps rambling her big irritating pity party to herself about how she can't have boundaries and does everything wrong and everyone hates her yada yada we've all heard this before. It's also implied at one point that Tox should accept every kind of story/medicine people want to inflict on her, so I guess we're back to kinkshaming lol.

It goes on to touch on being cancelled again and how people blame Tox for things it totally didn't do. I'd remind you that Tox is another self-insert of Glip's but at this point you might as well assume that's a given.

step on me more plz (just kidding) (or am i)

Scissors and Inkcat, sorry, Obverse and Vacuumania actually tell her to shut up at one point which is pretty funny though.

thank you

There's some more of Selfish-Harm being a strawman villain then out of nowhere this hilarious thing.

lol what

There's a whole bunch more yelling and Selfish-Harm being evil and Selfish-Harm stabs Papaya repeatedly with very deliberate rape imagery, which is weird. She tries to explain but Selfish-Harm never listens, so she thinks of a way to make them listen.

Papaya shifts into Lily! Hey, Lily! One of the actual characters! I'm shocked. There's a bunch of rambling in the corners about Lily panicking about how she's put into a role that doesn't fit and she can't remember who she was because she keeps getting killed in someone's mind so she can never grow, because they don't know her. She'd never like someone as pathetic as you! The narration says. "You're Sylvan! You kill her in your mind! You're the one who restarts the universe everytime!"

What does it mean? It means Sila likes Lily the wrong way and writes stories about her dying, basically.

Anyway, Lily holds a baby Jupet in her hand. She says that Jupet is small, but they're a nekopossum, so that'd be why. That'd explain the fairy circle in their room as well! It does imply that maybe Lily had other children in other frequencies but who cares at this point.

hachacha

TAL's been using a laser to collect data and heal. Lily is scared of it, but it helps her. It takes away her pain and creates the wall out of the inability to feel pain. This is the quarantine line, it says. The quarantine line for paranoia! What does it mean. Someone says that you've lost the Heaven's Keys, and that Clear Watching is an underground prison on one of the Keys.

Glip and Lily go into the Keys. Glip says they found an anomaly, and we get a shot of Jupet with an X over their head. No one remembered them, they became a child of the story, never to have been, it says (what). There's then an odd panel with someone rambling, Glip I think, saying you're a terrifying person and that writing about their own character in their own story fills them with dread, so they're going to kill her off for good. I assume this is about Sila. Glip throws Lily into Clear Watching, WHERE ANGELS GO TO DIE.

Anyway, we have a frequency shift from Andre to Sample, because great, whatever that means, and cut to Amdusias pony, now named Sinpony. Beleth is talking to her, but they have a new form now with a diamond over their eye. Another AU form of Beleth. Sigh.

Beleth thinks about how they're so cool and that they can beat anyone up with their three favorite toys. They call them and Tox, Obverse, and Vacuumania show up, baffled. Sila is there again, saying Sinpony belongs to her, and Beleth squares off to fight.

We then get a card saying it's the end of part one and Papaya never wrote the second part because Sila attacked her. It's a poor workman that blames their tools, you know.

:3c

We go to Callclout writhing in pain from Bugsy's rule, yada yada. They try to figure out a way to get out from under it. There's another childish "this is you!" moment with Glip introducing another new dumb angel, Socketpuppet.

wait i'm missing a thumb

As you might guess, Socketpuppet puts on puppets of other characters and pretends to be them. Socketpuppet pretends to be Papaya for a while and I'm not really sure who's talking. Of note though is that Glip again gets defensive about people hating on Call-Clout and says they'll kill off Lily and Neon if it continues. okay.

how to respond to criticism

The voice, Glip I assume, declares Rule Zero, that you (Sila I assume) can never talk to them or their friends again. I don't know why they think Sila would at this point, it sounds like it'd be the last thing on her mind. But hey.

They then explicitly blackmail Sila, saying that if Sila talks about Glip to anyone or has any bad feelings about anything in this VN, they'll kill off Lily and Neon (maybe Jupet too). They get really defensive about Call-Clout again which is hilarious to me. Call-Clout, of all characters. Imagine being defensive of a character called Call-Clout IN a call-out you wrote!! it's kind of amazing.

i'm the hero!! glip says, like all the villains say, but it's different when they do it

It then says Hostage Taker, Selfish Hurt, so maybe Selfish-Hurt is threatening this to... who? Themselves? Someone else by pretending to be Glip? I don't know. Maybe they're blaming Selfish-Hurt for making them take hostages? This is a mess.

Hilariously, Glip then says that Sila made them realize that callouts are a useful tool, but they didn't want to do one. :( They just wanted to write a story about what it felt like for Sila to be a horrible creep! Look what you've made them do! This is your fault!! They say they're recovering just fine without Sila, as the VN clearly shows. No issues here.

We get a bit more clarity now with a goop like sort of Glip being confirming that they are the ones holding Lily and Neon hostage, and that if they die everyone will know it was Sila's fault and know she's a pervert who gets off on killing loving mothers. If they keep quiet then maybe Glip will keep them alive, or maybe not.

conflict resolution, by glip

Glip yells at Sila some more, then gets mad at them for driving them to do this. Sila cares more about jerking the characters around than how it hurts Glip so much when she does that! :( Glip says that this actually made them stop caring about Lily and Neon, because caring about them turned into endless suffering for Glip. I wonder if this could have been avoided if they just banned Sila when they suggested a script that creeped them out in the first place. Just spitballing though. "Who cares, it's just a comic" they say. Who cares indeed.

Glip says Sila radiates violent and murderous feelings and thinks that Sila would physically attack them if they met in real life. You're a dangerous person, Glip says, sorry you had to hear it from me. :( So they say they'll just kill Lily and Neon off right now. I mean, I guess it's not like Glip was even doing anything with them at this point, is it so much of a loss?

Just in case you were wondering, Glip then takes an opportunity to tell you how much they enjoyed writing this callout and screaming at this rando for hours. Callouts are great and cathartic! I guess people get their kicks in all sorts of ways.

call outs are great! not when they're about me though

Papaya laughs, saying that it's just a story. "Stories with no basis in reality don't matter", it says, although then it crosses "don't matter" out and replaces it with "creates that reality".

As threatened, we return to Lily and Neon. Neon says that something's been bothering her. Lily asks her what it is, while narration says THIS IS THE SCHOOLYARD DISEASE, THIS IS WHAT'S ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR. Spite, apparently. Actually that adds up.

Neon says that she's really scared of Lily, that entering this chamber with her and trying to teach her about what's going on is terrifying because she knows she looks like a traitor. Lily breaks, again, finally, whatever that means. Everyone in this comic is breaking constantly. Anyway, she doesn't know why Neon would talk about being a traitor, like she's forgotten that Neon told her exactly why. To be fair that was a pretty long time ago.

Lily wonders if Neon really feels bad about it or if it's just paranoia. Not sure how those two things are different. Why was she joking about something so serious? she wonders. Neon is a stranger, right? It gets crossed out and replaced with danger.

Neon says that this is what she's talking about, when she says again and again that she doesn't want Lily to kill her and Lily doesn't respond. Neon says she's had nightmares for years about Lily killing her (with beholding sirens involved somehow presumably) and that Lily acts like that never happened and just makes jokes and makes Neon feel good, and it doesn't add up to Neon. Neon can't tell if she's paranoid or if Lily is hiding how much she wants to kill her.

looks a bit like a rabbit

"I can feel it again, the way you hide your violent thoughts," Neon says. "You can't get mad or you'll snap and kill me, because Jupet's gone and I caused it." Not sure if this is due to the Jupet going into Beleth thing or Lily getting stuck on the wrong frequency. Neon says she can finally feel Lily's malice. She doesn't know what to do other than try to fix it, and says she'd try to fix it even if Lily wasn't here and Jupet wasn't gone, and she apologizes.

The Schoolyard Disease starts trying to take root in Lily's heart, where it would bring them full circle and begin them anew. But something about Neon said sticks with her. Had she said something new?

Lily feels ashamed of herself. She didn't think Neon would notice all of her violent negative feelings, but she did because she was scared and quiet and loving. I'll just have to take Lily's word for it. Neon noticed Lily leaking violence and hostility and somehow managed to apologize for it. That phrasing is a bit weird I think.

look into my eyes

Lily connects to the feelings she'd been lying to herself about. She'd almost scared Neon to death! This should be in its own separate VN, why it's tacked onto this rant is beyond me. No wait, it's because this scene is written out of spite, that's right.

Lily says that she's tried to kill Sylvan a hundred thousand times, but he can't die. He always comes back to life because he's a necropossum. This explains that mention of coming back to life so long ago with Jupet. Lily then says she can also never die, he can never kill her and she can never kill him. She describes it like she dies, then decides she just didn't die and ends up back here, and then takes it out on Neon. Neon also always comes back. "Are we monsters?" Lily wonders. I have to say, finding out that Lily and Neon are trapped in an endless cycle of death, murder, and rebirth with each other has made their relationship way more interesting. Oh no I'm part of the problem!!

Abruptly, they're back in the Amdusias pony form. Lily wants to say she'd never murder Neon, but she's not entirely sure that's true. She misses Jupet terribly. Lily says that she's not scared of not recognizing Jupet when she sees them again, but of them not recognizing her. She says she knows she wasn't a good mother sometimes, and wonders if that's what factored into them leaving.

She wasn't trying to blame Neon for her feelings about what Sylvan did to Jupet (will we ever find out?), and tells Neon that it's not her fault that all this happened. She's ashamed she hurt her and isn't sure what possessed her to do that.

Anyway, Sinpony collapses on the ground next to white Beleth, we're back at the end of... Schoolyard Disease? Is that the VN I'm thinking of? Anyway, Sinpony feels three other consciousnesses leave it or be forgotten. There's an odd bit about wishing for the universe to take her identity and leaving her with a life of malice for her and her child.

lily?

Not sure what to make of that. Sinpony talks to Beleth like they're her child but doesn't know why. This freaks Beleth out a bit. They say Beleth's memory isn't all there and they shouldn't play dumb, asking why they're playing the same tricks as their father ("may i remind you what a horrible monster he is?"). They weren't always a doll and they can't keep this charade up, Sinpony says.

Beleth breaks (everyone breaks!) and realizes that they don't have a childhood or a past and that maybe something's controlling them. They realize their body is indestructible and that's boring and wonder what death is like, then flip out at Sinpony and threaten to kill them for "touching her memory." Sinpony is terrified and has no idea what they're talking about. Unable to tell Beleth that they just want to see their child again, they pass out.

Anyway we cut back to CC. Sadly they seem to have escaped Bugsy's rule thanks to their "forcesight" to do a bunch of redacted things. They say that the paranoia on Neon had incubated and turned into Socketpuppet because of Beleth. Or Bugsy. Fine, whatever.

i'm the good guy

It does say that CC tried to protect Lily/Neon/Chip from getting their identities eaten, which doesn't really match what we were shown in that VN at all. CC then says she has to deliver a mask to its recipient because they've solved an instance of Schoolyard Disease by predicting what hurt to do in advance! Oh man, remember that?? I actually had to go back and reread it because it was already barely explained to begin with. I think solving an instance of Schoolyard Disease has now told them who they need to deliver the mask to.

Call-Clout remembers that this is where Median isn't saved, because Beleth is busy arguing with Sinpony over there. Beating a dead horse, am I right! Anyway Andre said a long time ago that without Median the plague spreads out of control and everyone dies. Oops! Srinivasa says they hate this world as much as they love it, and that they don't even feel real anymore, just a thing being manipulated by their mask. Stardrop warned you about this.

Call-Clout wants to take off the mask and just exist, but it'll look like the Unmasked Sun (Glip) and no one will help them then. So unfair. :( CC says the shift is inevitable and that they've lost this round and three identities. CC has a big hole in their chest and Socketpuppet shows up and eyes it. CC bleeding out summons an ENCORE (but wasn't Encore already here...?)

Encore shows up and says they can take the hole away from CC's chest, although CC is too weak to say anything with Socketpuppet nearby. It has a thorny ring looped into it like a keyring.

i guess you can call for multiple encores

CC says they're not good and are tired of playing the villain. Encore says they'll do it instead and they'll give them what they deserve, a fair trial. CC laughs at the idea, asking Encore where they were when they got blamed for the plague and exiled back in the Masked Sun VN. Socketpuppet lols in the background and again sizes up the hole in CC's chest.

CC calls them an idiot, resonating with "the entire cycle Socketpuppet had completed", and the hole in their chest congeals and becomes a Circlet of the Sun. Title drop! After all this time what is it?? What's the circlet of the sun??? What is it???

It's just the receipts of what Sila did.

the secret of this callout is... that it's a callout

Anyway CC rambles on disjointedly about exaggerating feelings and some talk of suicide and Sila assaulting her brother or mom or something, I can't keep track of this since it's not explained and I don't care. This is already so long and we're so close to the end...! CC goes on to describe malice and I thought maybe Glip was describing themselves but I think it's supposed to be directed at Sila. Not sure how I could've mixed that up!

got a face made of taffy

There's also a "diagram" that looks a lot like a uterus.

and some fallopian tubes i suppose

Anyway out of nowhere, Ms. Warmheart appears again. CC asks her to help them by yelling at CC as if she's yelling at Socketpuppet. Warmheart is peeved and says that CC already has a "little doll" in back to play with, and says that this is why CC got into this mess in the first place, their little experiments. Anyway CC and Warmheart and Socketpuppet argue and it's boring and doesn't make a lot of sense. Malice gets brought up again. Warmheart does say that CC is some kind of abomination that holds multiple souls and identities within themselves though.

She also mentions razing the land again! I remember that getting mentioned before. It's not explained any more here than it was back then.

burn it all to the ground

CC pulls out the mask they were supposed to deliver, saying it's time to eat it. Socketpuppet demands it but CC gives it to Warmheart instead, although she seems pretty hesitant about the whole thing. Encore meanwhile makes a big circlet portal and goes through it, figuring everyone else can handle it on their own. They wonder what they'll do when this frequency is completely drained of magic. They shrug and say it's just the natural consequence of trying to solve a problem by lying to yourself.

Mr. 5 meanwhile is covered with worthworms while everyone else is doing other things. What'll he do now, the narration wonders? Die, hopefully. Encore keeps going down a hole and Glip brings up being cancelled again out of nowhere.

this red circle is about to charge

Encore, looking sillier and sillier as they go, yells at Sila again. I thought at first they were yelling at themselves sarcastically but now I think it's genuine yelling at Sila? It's weird how the same accusations seem to fit between the two of them. Probably a coincidence.

/srs or /j? /srs or /j?????

There's more yelling at Sila, along with accusations of trying to kill herself to make Glip feel bad. It goes on and on for a while and then Glip's like "let me make it a violent cartoon, you like those!" and Bugsy shows up again. Bugsy likes punching things but sometimes feels bad about it and doesn't know why. What could it mean? At one point Bugsy holds up a list of all the people Glip's ever hurt and says they'll hold Glip accountable for it if Glip hurts them like they've ever hurt anyone ever. Just in case it's too subtle, Glip's name is scribbled out.

Bugsy wearing a fetching bra

There's more yelling at Sila. Glip/Encore says that when Bugsy acts like their bad feelings are reality, it erases theirs. They then say that that's fine, let's talk more about Bugsy's feelings. Let's make sure the rest of the story is agreeing with Bugsy! Let's see what happens, Glip says.

We go back to Clear Watching, WHERE ANGELS GO TO DIE. There are two new inmates in the cell of the prison (the channel on the discord, remember), Lily and Neon. No one ever escapes Clear Watching, where angels are held against their will for as long as the judge deems appropriate.

Glip appears and mocks them for being stupid enough to have their identities stolen/raped, especially by Bugsy of all people. Lily and Neon look on and while we saw Glip in a disguise, they see Encore as Encore. They say they've seen this creature in their dreams, overlooking every instance of Schoolyard Disease. Let's do it all again, let's see the tragedy from the top! Encore says. That does fit with what we know about Schoolyard Disease, to be fair.

The narration scolds Lily for not being a good mom, saying that Jupet is off hurting people all the time, with no idea how their mere presence brings plagues into existence. Jupet's getting hurt because they were never told that hurting others was bad, since Lily herself is good at hurting others. Lily feels bad and decides to swear off violence.

Since Lily can't die, there were never any consequences for killing others, so she just got used to it. Lily is upset, telling herself that killing shouldn't be normal, but it's become normal to her. Lily can't tell Jupet that what they're doing is wrong because she can't connect with Jupet's feelings without infecting them with an unnatural bloodlust, and leaves the feelings that Jupet picks up on anyway unexplained. While this is going on Lily is turning into a worm for some reason.

a furry slinky

Lily tries to understand what's happening to her as a constellation (Stardrops rule about reading stars?) appears on her. She must have stolen someone else's identity, she wonders, because why else would someone be stealing hers? It must be her fault and she deserves this, she reasons. She becomes a full furry slinky called Salivent, the cyclic solvent, swearing that she'll solve this problem if it's the last thing she does. Don't know why the saliva theme with her.

Some scribbles yell about victim blaming. I have no idea who they're supposed to be. Glip I assume.

odd equivalence i think

On closer inspection I THINK it's supposed to be Lily talking about being raped and Encore talking over her, but again I'm not sure. Encore goes on with more victim blaming and then says this is boring. Lily screams how this can be boring, and Encore says she's seen this hundreds of times. Lily swears off violence and then kills Neon again. Lily insists that she's changed and isn't like that anymore, and Encore says oh, like all those other times you said you wouldn't kill her? And Lily stays quiet.

Lilyworm writhes in her cell about how no one believes she's changed even though she says she has and how unfair that is. It's disgusting that Lilyworm thinks its intentions matter, someone says, no one cares. The "acid" escapes Lilyworm's throat and she says "why don't you like me" which isn't what she meant to say, and it gets rewritten to "why don't you believe me".

Neon has now merged with Obverse for whatever reason, asking why Lily would think she doesn't like them. Maybe it's because she doesn't like her. I'm not making a joke, that's what it says. It's implied by font though that it might be Obverse saying it and not her.

simple enough

Lilyworm screams "why won't you believe me" while Obverseneon says she does... believe she likes hurting her! Oh! Got you good!! It actually might be Obverse saying that though. They go on to say that they believe they don't like Lily, while what I think is Neon says that she does believe her. There's a bunch of rambling about Obverseneon believing Lily hates her and such and she's scared.

Obverseneon, with the subtitle Obnoxiously Oblivious, gets to a chalkboard to explain how she's wrong. There are more faux mathematics as we AGAIN go to the same theme, where Obverseneon thinks that she must not have been expressing her love for Lily correctly if Lily had to ask in the first place, so the blame is on her. She reasons that Lily is asking because she hasn't actually changed, otherwise she wouldn't ask. Whatever.

Obverseneon laughs about how funny this all is and how they could ever expect Lilyworm to change. "We're just feelings machines" she says, "none of this is real and never has been". Lilyworm also has a stupid face, kind of looks like a playground kiddy ride.

or an indie horror game villain

#floraverse

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arithesimp · 4 years

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Best of Friends|

best friends- to enimes- to whatever the hell they have now. a very complicated relationship, that y/n y/l/n and Draco Malfoy have, chances are they won't figure it out any time soon

WARNINGS:none that i can think of

a/n - i wrote this on tumblr so i couldn't do everything properly sorry for the grammer

Slytherin!FEM¡ reader X Draco

y/n and Draco had been friends since they were two, their parents were best friends, and business partners, neither of them had much loving parents. only having their mom's and each other for support, "you two will eventually understand." was all their fathers said to them, never once did they know what that meant, and they never will.

starting their first year, they had one order, make friends with Harry, Draco went with a more aggressive interduction, whislt y/n went with a softer one- while neither of them were in Harry's favour, y/n was still given a nodd or short talks in the hallway.

in second year y/n began to hang out with Blaise zabni, of course she still hung out with Draco, just less. this of course made Draco angry, many arguments happened that year, "i can have more friends than you!" "so you're just gonna abandon me?!"

in third year they became super close friends again, like cuddling and kissing and so on, however that all changed when, Pansy and Draco started dating and Blaise and y/n started dating. Pansy and Draco didn't last long, "Pansy! why are you always down my throat?! for godric's sake! it's always 'Draco this and Draco that' just shut up!" "fine! maybe you'd be better off without me!" "i would be!"

they got back together after a day. but ended up breaking up the third week of school, for good

y/n and Blaise never fought though, unless it was about candy or food "no, i got that one!" "no- i did you got the every flavour beans!" The two dated for the first half of the semester.

Thats where we start our story.

y/n and Draco we're talking with Blaise, y/n and Blaise hand in hand, all three laughing about how Hermione had tripped in class today. the trio was walking to hagrids new class, care of magical creatures.

"Draco i swear if you agatate that- freak of nature that we'll see in class today i'm killing you." y/n said as Draco was complaining about that "oaf" as he called hagird teaching classes.

"Draco you're just dramatic." Blaise said adding onto y/n's point. "says the one who cried about charms last week" Draco fired back

"yeah but you were crying over potions yesterday, Draco" y/n said, "shut up- you cried over that muggle song you heard last month!" Draco and Blaise said in unsion.

"ulch! no, The story is a really sad and emotional song!" y/n defended her self, "look theres potter and his cult" y/n whispered

Draco looked up and sure enough the golden trio was standing right there "pottah! do you go anywhere without your possy?" Draco yelled

"wha'dya want malfoy?" Ron asked rolling his eyes "just wondering why potter's always with you, and the mudblood." Blaise said

"Blaise elias zabni, i will hex the hell outta you if say that again." y/n said grabbing her wand out of her robes, "sorry,love" he said looking down at his shoes

"malfoy why do you look so embarrassed all of a sudden?" Harry spoke up, pointing out his blush. "oh thats funny pottah! i don't get embarrassed." he said quickly looking away from the couple.

"Harry, ronalad, let's let the love triangle figure it's self out." Hermione said grabing the boys robes and turning them around "not so fast bush tail." y/n spoke up

"y/n you're so nice, if you'd stop hanging out with them you'd be much nicer." Hermione said turning around, putting her hand on her hip "i suppose it's because you need the attention from them, you wanna be notcied" Hermione added

"what did you just say to me?" y/n said pulling out her wand "i said, you hang out with them because you wanna be noticed, you want every to either want you, or be envious of you." she said

"you little-" y/n began drawing her wand as did Hermione but the boys on each side managed to hold the girls back and calm them down. y/n began walking again, shoving past them, pushing Hermione down and kicking her slightly before walking on "that'll teach you to disrespect me."

of course this angered Ron and Harry "y/l/n- how dare you?!?" Harry said drawing his wand "eat slu-" Harry barley got his words out before Draco shouted "STUPEFY!" lauging along with Blaise and walking off

"watch it you three, i don't play nicley if you're on my bad side." y/n said scowling at the girl just now getting up, the scarheaded boy regaing stablity, and the readheaded boy still looking at the two boys walking to the class.

at last they were in hagirds class, "this looks interesting." y/n said sighing, after hagrid explained everything, he asked the class whi wanted to try, every one took a step back except for y/n was zoned out, throwing stones at some kids in the class, and Harry who had his head in the clouds.

"grea! yuh two c'mon den! hop on!" he said grabbing the two and putting them on the hippogroff, "no! i am not! hagird you put me down this second or i'll sue! put me down!" y/n and Harry protested.

once the two were seated on the createre hagird explained some more stuff to the class real quick "Harry- no tension after this, got it? we won't talk we'll just sit and enjoy, got it?" y/n asked, Harry nodded

"righ then off ye go!" he said smacking buckbeak so it takes off. it was pretty eventful but due to the new found rules, Harry was the only one enjoying it.

a little over half y/n started enjoying it to, feeling the wind through her hair, streching out her arms along with Harry "this is actually kinda fun!" y/n yelled "yeah i guess" he said while holding back a laugh

"shush scarhead" she said smiling slightly. when they landed the two's hair was a complete mess, Draco being jealous as usual decided to make the greatest desecion and yell at the animal "not so big and bad are you" he began "d- d, don't do it." 'd' was y/n's nickname for Draco, and it gave him butterflies every time she said it so he always obliged

but this time he ignored the butterflies "you great big ugly brute." he yelled, this offened the hippogroff so it clawed at him, pushing Draco down "d!" she yelled letting go of Blaise's hand to run of to him "i'll sue you hagird! i will!" she yelled "it's killed meh it's killed meh!" he groaned, rolling on the floor.

"it's alright Draco, hagird help him!" she said holding her best friend's hand "righ well i tak em ta thea hospital wing" he said picking Draco up, y/n quickly followed after kissing Blaise goodbye "hurry hagird we have to get him to the hospital wing!" y/n explained

"i'll get you back for this! and your bloody chiken!" he said "hagird he's hallucinating!" she said "nuh he's noh" hagird rolled his eyes "he's jus exagratin'" hagird explained

"oh okay" she said letting out a heafty breath.

once they got to the hospital wing y/n sat next to Draco immediately, "d?! you alright?" she asked putting her hand on top of him "mhm" he said

"i can't believe you nearly got yourself killed this early in the year." y/n said laughing "hush y/l/n" he said rolling his eyes "right well Blaise said he needed to talk to me after class ealier so i'll be back later" she said getting up and kissing him

she was in for a treat.

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oneweekoneband · 4 years

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a hugely inexpert, absolutely correct examination of The Planets and their role in taylor swift turning out to be such a freak

Astrology is real. Astrology is made-up nonsense. Made-up nonsense is real. One person’s chosen organizing principle for living is no more or less stupid than anyone elses. All of this is true or maybe it isn’t. Don’t roll your eyes too hard, but Joan Didion wasn’t lying—we do tell ourselves stories in order to live. It’s about all we do. I don’t understand the stars and planets because I don’t believe it’s my business what happens up there, plus I’m a little dumb, but I, like any blubbering narcissist, enjoy being told something about myself, and what is a horoscope but an opaque little love note designed to be interpreted by the reader in whatever way suits them best. There are astrologers who write beautiful, empathetic horoscopes that are a balm whether you believe them or not, and in this way astrology has a cultural value which makes any dubious scientific purity irrelevant. I don’t understand the stars and planets, but I have friends that do, and I like hearing whatever they sort out. Certainly, I’m not immune to believing in spurious little rituals; I was raised Catholic. Thinking that your star sign is responsible for certain aspects of your personality is no more impractical than keeping a Saint Christopher medal in your car to protect you from danger while traveling. These days I do both. Astrology is possibly real or possibly is not and maybe it matters what “real” means or else it might not, yeah, but the philosophical questions recede in the face of one fact upon which we can all agree: Taylor Swift has a profoundly upsetting birth chart.

Right off the bat, just from an aesthetic standpoint, this image (above) is not inviting. I don’t like to see it. When I wrote about Taylor Swift on this site in 2013 I didn’t know my moon or rising signs. This knowledge was not yet mandatory for trying to date girls and/or understanding jokes online. I was, at that time, far from even the semi-astrologically-literate state I am in now, yet even then if you’d have shown me this image, I know I’d shudder. It doesn’t take a scholar of any kind to see this and feel a chill down your spine, the itch of cold, spectral fingers closing around your wrist. Look at it again. The painful bisection by those angry blue lines. If you found this painted on a cave wall you’d turn and run back towards the fresh air of the opening, blinking back tears, certain some undead beast was following in your wake. This is a birth chart that says I am capable of writing songs like “All Too Well” but sometimes what I like better is to name a cat after the worst David Fincher movie and do a anti-homophobia music video that actually is so bad it felt somehow like it itself was homophobia. This is a birth chart that says I am going to release my new album, Red (2012), with a promo wherein Papa John’s will bring you a copy of it along with your pizza. This is a birth chart that says yeah, I used to do a fake twang as a teenager, and then I dropped the fake twang, but I can bring it back with no notice sometimes so all the girls (mentally ill adult women who have a Pavlovian response to anything that kinda sounds like “Hey Stephen”) go wild.

Taylor Swift is a Sagittarius. That’s the one with the arrow. It’s one of the good signs, theoretically, because it’s one that I have a lot of in my own chart, and because it’s in November and December, which are months where you can wear all your coats. Some other Sagittarians include Brad Pitt, Britney Spears, Janelle Monae, 8th US President Martin Van Buren, Jane Fonda, my friend C., who, in fact, happens to share all three major placements, sun, moon, and rising, with Ms. Swift, but I still don’t think she’s murdered anyone, and, of course, Jake “Twin fire signs / Four Blue Eyes” Gyllenhaal. So we have basically a lot of hot people and one guy who died of asthma, but who did manage to get the highest ranking job in the country first, though the country was a lot smaller then, and didn’t even have McDonalds yet to serve to teams that win college football tournaments. All in all, seems okay. Her moon is in Cancer. I think this connotes something about the watery depths of her emotional self, and it’s the only astrological placement which gets a shout out in the Joni Mitchell song “Little Green”. Her rising sign is Scorpio which is, like... Well, Scorpio to me is Halloween and Blair Waldorf from Gossip Girl. Medically speaking, I think that influence is how the stylings for the reputation era turned out so very Hot Topic. My moon is in Scorpio so this is a self-own as much as anything else.

Now look at this. What does it mean? Impossible to say, but that will not stop me from concluding that whatever it does mean is definitely bad. It will not stop me from extrapolating that probably a “multiple planet opposition” is the kind of thing that makes a person go to Stonewall during Pride for a surprise appearance but perform “Shake It Off” instead of any of the actual really good and sexy songs. But then, I bet it probably also factored into her developing into the kind of creative mind who would write something as weird and funny and vital as “And I’ve been meaning to tell you / I think your house is haunted / your dad is always mad and that must be why,” so possibly bad is good and good is bad and the various astrological signs just signify the different ways we relate to death. I don’t know. I’m scared.

In the documentary Folkore: The Long Pond Studio Sessions, released on Disney+ last month to accompany the record, because this daughter of three generations of bank presidents is nothing if not a money-maker, Taylor wears a terrifying outfit that I started to like rather than recoil from by about halfway through, and while wearing it espouses a belief that we are all monsters, which I happen to figure is correct. In Madame Clairevoyant’s Guide to the Stars, essential book on astrology and, importantly, the vagaries of the human heart, the incomparable Claire Comstock-Gay writes, “For Sagittarius, the desire is shifting and undefined. This is a drive, above all else, to see, to learn, to experience, to continually seek knowledge. It’s a drive to live a life that never asks or requires that you cede your freedom and never requires you to stop searching.” Certainly, this is the kind of internal compass which would lead to making the unusual, dramatic, and frankly very cool decision to entirely re-record your first six albums when ownership of the original masters has fallen into the hands of a little creep named “””Scooter””” who refuses to relinquish this morally, if not actually legally, false claim. For years I have speculated that actual murder of a human would not be outside of Taylor Swift’s capabilities. This is a statement made with neither praise or criticism attached. It’s a clinical observation from a sterling mind. What I feel with equal conviction, but admit more grudgingly, is that, if it happened, she’d have a perfectly logical reason. (Note: Taylor, if you’re reading this, I am not the type who’d rat anyway. It’s fine. Please don’t sue me.) I’m positive the astrological facts support my findings on this, and if I’m wrong, fortunately I will never find out. Anyway, the next full moon is in 22 days. I always want to look at it and then I forget. There’s a lot going on in space, and while I do feel that any cosmic forces which would put me and Taylor Swift on Earth at the same time are sort of inherently malevolent, I guess it’s been pretty fun, too.

#taylor swift #folklore

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multimetaverse · 5 years

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HSMTMTS 1x03 Review

The Wonderstudies was a very funny ep that set up a lot of drama to come. Let’s dig in!

I don’t want to take High School Musical: The Musical: The Series too seriously, but a case could be made for the Wonderstudies being a Greek tragedy with EJ Caswell as the protagonist. EJ has it all as the popular, talented, and handsome jock and theatre star but his hamartia (tragic flaw) is that he’s so insecure about his relationship with Nini that he’ll do anything to keep her, as EJ says he plays to win, but in doing so EJ will lose Nini. EJ had several chances to turn back before it was too late, to come clean, to apologize, to make things right, but he kept on violating Nini’s trust and privacy. EJ nearly got away with it but he couldn’t control his insecurity and had to take one last shot at Ricky which will bring about the breakup he was so desperate to avoid; thereby fulfilling his destiny as decreed by the Fates (the writers)

I loved the library conversation between Nini and EJ where she keeps building him up as this wonderful person while EJ knows that he’s not quite the good guy she thinks he is and is trying to keep Nini from stooping to his level. I think Matt Cornett did a good job of showing EJ realizing that maybe he’s not been the positive influence on Nini that she thinks he is. We also see EJ making Ashlyn #complicit though he seems unaware that he’s doing so

I chuckled all through A Billion Sorry’s; it was very funny with the goofy facial expressions, corny lyrics, and 90s boy band dance moves. I saw a lot of people complaining that the song wasn’t good but that’s the whole point of the song; it’s supposed to look and sound like something a teenage boy wrote in a couple hours. They’ve done a great job with the EJ and Ashlyn cousin relationship so far and I hope that continues. Seems like Ashlyn’s family isn’t as wealthy as EJ’s

Of course, EJ does have reason to be insecure, he’s not the lead of the musical or the romantic lead of this show, which means he’ll lose to Ricky no matter what he does. I am curious to see how the NJ breakup plays out

A gratuitous shirtless scene that could have come straight from Riverdale ( Wise of Disney to run ads for HSMTMTS during Riverdale, there must be a big overlap between those two audiences). It does show why they casted a 21 year old Matt Cornett to play EJ. On that note, I hope tonight is the last NJ kiss we have to see, the age gap between the actors is just too apparent to ignore.

Ashlyn refers to Nini’s vid for Ricky, which was posted on June 1st, as being four months ago which would mean we’re now in October in universe and Gina says in the 1x04 promo that there’s 6 weeks to opening night which would place it in mid to late November if true

The jokes were great this ep. Nini and Kourtney stealing all of Gina’s stuff and Nini returning it to her in a garbage bag, Nini’s list, Nini saying that she learned that people used to have watch TV shows at a specific time, Ricky’s I nailed that.

Special mention to Carlos’ dance training in the beginning, ‘’audience member has a heart attack? Keep dancing’’ is a hilarious line. I also loved Carlos getting Miss Jenn a matcha green tea with red bull. It reminds me of a guy I knew whose drink of choice was rum and green tea; he claimed the green tea made the rum healthy

Did not expect Benjamin Mazzara to be such a dick. That was a low blow against Carlos and I’m so glad that Miss Jenn defended Carlos and all her kids. I really liked that line that it’s not because most of these kids will end up on Broadway but because most of them won’t. She may be a fraud but she really does care about these kids and her friendship with Carlos is sweet

Ricky and Big Red was great as usual. We saw Ricky growing as a person and being more respectful of Nini’s boundaries (her voicemail message was cute). I liked that when he though she didn’t like his voicemail that he was just going to drop it before EJ made it sound like Nini had shared the voicemail with him

Sofia’s dancing continues to impress. I really liked how wily Gina was this ep; she could guess that Nini would likely be late so she came prepared and I like how all she told Nini was that she didn’t have her phone, which is true but leaves out that she’s the one who stole it and gave it to EJ.

I liked that they actually showed EJ bleeding after being hit with the basketball, a nice touch of realism

I really liked the status quo rehearsal and that dramatic cliffhanger ending

Looking Ahead:

Mrs. Bowen is back next week, that will be angsty. The fallout from the Bowens impending divorce and the NJ breakup is probably what the writers will use to keep Nicky from getting back together until 1x10

Does EJ rat out Gina when he goes down or is her breakdown to her mom triggered by something else?

Mr. Mazzara’s comment to Carlos about getting some friends under the age of 35 seems like it could be setting up an arc for Carlos the rest of the season, making more friends and starting up something with Seb. There’s a school dance in 1x05 and it seems like Mr. Mazzara is a chaperone and Carlos decides to do a big dance number so maybe that’s part of Carlos getting back at him. Hopefully Seblos starts soon, Frankie Rodriguez liked a tweet saying that there better be Seblos soon to make up for Carlos being sad this ep and with only 6 weeks to go until opening night if Seb needs help with his choreography then that should happen soon

From the promo pics and ep descriptions we also know that Miss Jenn will take Nini and Kourtney out for a girls night and she at least ends up at the bowling alley and has a run in with Mr. Bowen. I really hope they don’t put Miss Jenn and Mr. Bowen together. Dara said that 1x05 was a big ep for Kourtney so hopefully that pans out. It’s still very apparent in the writing that Kourtney was originally only supposed to be in just the first ep

In the back of my head I had wondered since the pilot if they were going to do an enemies to friends to lovers story for Miss Jenn and Mr. Mazzara but if they are then they’re going to have to do a ton of work since Mr. Mazzara trying to get Miss Jenn fired should be hard to move past. I also can’t seem him being a Sue Sylvester style enemy of the drama department for the entire series so we’ll see what happens

So Miss Jenn faces a tribunal in 1x06, has she been faking her credentials? We know they let her continue with the musical so presumably it’s not something super serious that would get her fired for sure

Larry Saperstein said that 1x07 was a big fun ep with the cast together most of the time so maybe that’s the cast party we saw in the promo

Until next week wildcats

#HSMTMTS #EJ Caswell #Nini Salazar-Roberts #Ricky Bowen #Ricky x Nini #Nicky #NJ #Rini #Miss Jenn #Carlos #Benjamin Mazzara #Ashlyn #HSM #HSMTMTS Reviews

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finding-the-daylight · 4 years

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It’s been a real fucking stressful week so I’m finally gonna be drunk-watching and reviewing Breaking Dawn Pt. 2. However, I will likely only be slightly drunk(ish) (if at all) because I’m all out of liquor and only have one beer at the moment, but hopefully it’ll be enough to counteract how terrible this movie is lmao. As usual, here is what I remember from the movie the first (and only) time I ever watched it:

1. The battle scene happened but it was all in Alice’s vision and never actually happened.

2. Imprinting bullshit that none of us want to talk about. Let’s pretend it never happened.

3. Some weird dude makes fake IDs on demand.

4. All the vampires with cool powers get together, yet, sadly, they do not take down the Volturi to form a better, democratic government.

My thoughts as I’m watching are below the break:

- The opening credits triggered a forgotten feeling of sadness. Was it sadness over a terrible plot or sadness over the series being over? I couldn’t tell you.

- This fucking soundtrack excuse me. The orchestral opening piece? BEAUTIFUL. I want to choreograph a ballet to this. Or do the TikTok twerk challenge to it. Idk.

- I’m actually kind of sad that this was the last movie and it hasn’t even started yet. Most of the plot is shit and smeyer wrote some horrible garbage, but I want more of this universe. Can some of y’all who are creative write the next book and not be racist or sexist? Thank you.

- Fuck this part of the soundtrack I’m literally going to cry.

- I can’t believe smeyer produced this movie. Who let her?

- When Bella opens her eyes that shit makes me want to be a vampire @Carlise.

- Her first instinct is to grab Edward’s arm I’m crying. They love each other so much and it’s so fucking pure. I hate how they look at each other. It makes me sick but it’s all I want.

- This is the most relaxed Edward has been in any of the movies.

- LITERALLY HOW COOL WOULD IT BE TO SEE A FLOWER BLOOM LIKE THAT?!?

- I WANNA JUMP OVER A DAMN WATERFALL

- I actually feel really bad for this deer and I wish they did eat mosquitos :(((((

- Edward’s so proud of her for her control. He loves her so much.

- OMG I FORGOT SHE SAVED THE DEER WE LOVE TO SEE IT SAVE THE DEER BELLA

- aww fuck no now they’re gonna talk about the imprinting bullshit. I won’t even comment on this because y’all already know my thoughts. We hate it and we hate canon and smeyer is fucked up for what she wrote.

- Carlisle looking fine as fuck as usual, thank you. I don’t love the hairstyle here, but he’s still fire.

- Rosalie looks so happy and we love to see it. She deserves it.

- EMMETT AND ROSALIE ARE INSTIGATING THIS FIGHT AND AS FUCKE UP AS THIS STORYLINE IS I LIVE FOR THEM BOTH AND I LOVE IT LMAO

- THE WAY JACOB SAYS “OH” SENT ME THE FUCK LMAOOOOOO

- Emmett loves this fight and I love Emmett

- Damn Edward’s actually openly being turned on by something for once in his life

- The Loch Ness monster line isn’t that funny anymore tbh. I did not laugh.

- There was a lot of quivering.

- Bella literally said we’re gonna keep going for the rest of eternity.

- Everyone knows when they get back. So far, Emmett is my favorite in this movie lmao. Even Carlisle who’s always sick of his kids’ shit cracked a smile.

- Poor Charlie. They’re about to tell him she died and they’re all moving.

- Jacob’s about to go tell his secret to Charlie and then shit gets lit. I remember this part now.

- Taylor deserved an oscar for this scene. This movie might have been trash, but his conversation with Charlie deserved all the awards.

- “Jacob put your on clothes on” fucking SENT ME LMAOOOOO.

- Charlie’s so confused, poor man.

- Jacob straight up invited Charlie over with no warning while Bella was a newborn vampire lmao.

- I LOVE ESME AND CARLISLE SO MUCH

- The way Carlisle opened the door and said “Hello Charlie” did something to me. I wish my name was Charlie.

- Charlie’s so happy to see Bella though. I’m happy Jake told him tbh.

- Poor Charlie now he’s all upset because he saw Jacob turn into “a very large dog” and he’s concerned about what this means for Bella.

- She finally called Charlie dad and hugged him like she loved him.

- EDWARD TOLD CHARLIE THE TRUTH THAT RENEMEME WAS THEIR DAUGHTER HOLY SHIT I FORGOT

- Emmett really is my fave in this movie lmaoooo.

- Everyone is laughing and smiling instead of being all depressed. We lov to see it. This is my favorite scene in any of the movies now.

- When Bella said she was born to be a vampire, it would’ve been way more effective to start playing “Born to Die” by Lana Del Rey tbh.

- Irina’s about to go tattle-tale to the Volturi. Tbh I’d be pissed too after what those racist fucks did to Laurent. He wanted to join the Cullens and adopt their lifestyle. And by racist fucks, I mean smeyer and the writers of the screenplay.

- Aro is such a dramatic bitch.

- Carlisle could read me the damn phone book and I would listen.

- Honestly smeyer is fucked up the fuck up and I’m starting to think she nejoys writing about children losing their childhood. The immortal children storyline is one of the most fucked up parts of canon and we really need to expose it more.

- Carlisle and Esme are so damn cute.

- Uh-oh Sammy boy’s there. Jasper and Alice just bounced? I completely forgot about this.

- The fucking volvo.

- Okay SUPER BIG FUCKING PLOTHOLE HERE. So when they were in Alaska, Edward basically said Renememe had a beating heart so like, wouldn’t the Volturi be able to hear it? Wouldn’t that end the battle before it ever started? Smeyer really just wrote shit without thinking it through lmao.

- We hate to see all the cultural appropriation but we love Rami Malek.

- Senna and Zafrina are STUNNING and the fact that Smeyer wrote them as being anything else is a fucking crime.

- I don’t remember this Garrett hoe but I’ve seen a lot of memes about him so I think he’ll be my second fave in this movie next to Emmett. He’s high key a bitch though for treating people how he did.

- Yeah, I’m with Jacob on this one. The red-eyed bitches don’t need to be killing people. ALSO FUCK SMEYER’S RACIST SHIT AGAIN. MORE WOLVES DUE TO MORE BIOLOGICAL WARFARE THIS IS BULLSHIT SMEYER.

- Garrett really fell in love with this bitch Kate and said idc what you do to me, just do it.

- HOLY SHIT THE NEW WOLVES ARE KIDS KIDS. THEY’RE LIKE 6 OR 7. Y’ALL. WHAT THE EVERLIVING FUCK??? GOING BACK TO WHAT I SAID ABOUT THE IMMORTAL CHILDREN THING. THE POINT STILL STANDS.

- Vladimir and Stefan are EXACTLY the vampires I’ve been waiting on. OVERTHROW THIS MONARCHY OLD ASS SHIT AND FORM THE DEMOCRATIC GOVERNMENT. This scene made me like Carlisle slightly less, but in my headcanon he did want to overthrow the Volturi. I would still stare at him all day and listen to him read the phonebook. But he could’ve been a little more badass. It wouldn’t have hurt.

- Edward actually grew a pair and asked everyone to fight.

- Is Aro’s hair different in this movie? It looks different and I kinda love it.

- I hate the Volturi and all of them for varying reasons, but I do love Aro’s dramatics.

- Emmett is living for Edward being shocked by Kate which is why, again, he is my fave in this movie lmao.

- Bella reading to Renememe is the sweetest moment in this movie and it deserves more love.

- “Yeah I just do it so much better.” This cocky bastard.

- FINALLY. HE ADMITS HE UNDERESTIMATES HER. THANK YOU HOE.

- When Jake and Bella are laughing together it makes me smile. It’s so genuine.

- Sue knows what’s good. I can see it in her eyes lmao.

- Alice was smart af though for hiding that clue for Bella.

- JENKS. That’s the dude’s name that makes the fake IDs.

- “Unusually well-preserved” that’s one way to put it lmao.

- This is so sad. Bella thinks she and Edward will die.

- LOOK AT ALL THOSE BENJIS SHE’S STUFFING INTO BACKPACKS@ BELLA PLEASE PAY OFF MY STUDENT LOAN DEBT

- Alistair is such a bitch. Why is he even here?

- This little house looks so cozy for Christmas. This is all I want.

- I love the Clearwater family so much and they deserve nothing but our love and respect.

- I FUCKING LOVE GARRETT. “NAME ANY AMERICAN BATTLE I WAS THERE.” LMAOOOOO

- “No one does rebellion like the Irish.” I love this guy too lmao.

- DAMNNNNN 1500 years waiting on revenge?????? They really could’ve overturned the Volturi in favor of a democracy but Carlisle was too damn diplomatic. But he’s still my fave.

- They did Kristen’s eyebrows dirty in this movie.

- Garrett loves Kate so much and it’s so pure.

- Emmett and Rosalie look so sweet.

- “THE REDCOATS ARE COMING” LMAOOOO I REALLY DO FUCKING LOVE GARRETT AN AWFUL LOT.

- Look @ the Volturi dramatic asses wearing cloaks and shit. Hoe. It’s the 2000s. Not the 1600s. Fix your shit. If a human saw you, you’d expose the secret you’re supposedly trying to keep.

- When Carlisle raised his voice though.

- BUT THIS IS THE BULLSHIT I’M TALKING ABOUT SMEYER PULLING. TALKING ABOUT HOW RENEMEME HAS A BEATING HEART. BITCH. THE VOLTURI WOULD’VE HEARD IT AND KNOWN. NONE OF THIS FUCKERY WAS EVER NECESSARY. SMEYER’S ASS IS MORE DRAMATIC THAN ARO, AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY.

- Bella tried to shield Edward but it wouldn’t stretch all the way to where he was :(((((

- I deadass would not let my child anywhere near Aro period. It would’ve been on sight at this point and the Volturi would’ve been cleared out for democracy.

- I wish Edward would just punch this hoe.

- OH MY GOD I FORGOT ABOUT THE LAUGH THAT IS THE FUNNIEST SHIT

- Jacob seems more concerned than Edward and Bella and that’s really a problem for me. Her parents should’ve torn Aro a new one and that’s on period.

- Bella’s protecting all of them. YAAASSS QUEEN. DEFEAT THESE BTICHES.

- Aro basically verified the headcanon that Gen Z would expose vampires lmaoooo.

- Alice and Jasper save the day.

- CARLISLE FINALLY SNAPPED YAAAASSSS. BEAT THESE HOES ASSES.

- ESMEEEEEEEEEE

- SAM AND THE BOYS ARE READY TO FUCKIN FIGHT NOW TOO. NO ONE FUCKS WITH CARLISLE.

- This whole fight scene is intense but I already know that none of it really happened and it was all a vision so I’m kind of just tuning it out lmao.

- Y’all weren’t playing. When they get Seth that shit really does hurt.

- Alright I’m over this. They’re dragging it out. I’m fast-forwarding lmao.

- YEAH BITCH, BELLA WOULD GET YOUR ASS SO YOU BETTER STOP WHILE YOU CAN.

- OKAY LITERALLY ALSO FUCK THIS STORYLINE NOW I’M PISSED AGAIN I JUST REMEMBERED SMEYER IMPLIED THIS HOE WAS GONNA COME BACK AND FIGHT JACOB FOR RENEMEME WHEN SHE WAS LEGAL IDK IF IT’S IN THE MOVIE IF IT IS Y’ALL FINNA HEAR ABOUT IT AND OF COURSE HE’S INDIGENOUS TOO BECAUSE SMEYER’S GOTTA BE RACIST AS FUCK.

- BUT ANYWAY. Nahuel is actually cool af. Like most of smeyer’s characters, he deserved better.

- Good boy Aro, just walk the fuck away.

- I really wish Carlisle would’ve just listened to Stefan and Vladimir and kicked the Volturi’s asses.

- Everyone is so happy and in love. We love to see it. #simpasshoesfandom

- THIS SOUNDTRACK FUCKING SLAPS. THE CLOSING SONG BEFORE THE MEADOW/AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MEADOW IS A JAM.

- Oh fuck here we go with the flashback. I’m gonna cry for sure. It really would’ve been better with Flightless Bird American Mouth though.

- Damn I’m actually crying. #simpasshoesfandom

- She showed him all her thoughts and love for him I’m crying.

- “NOBODY’S EVER LOVED ANYBODY AS MUCH AS I’VE EVER LOVED YOUUUUUUU”

- FOREVERRRRR

- MY HEART

- THE END CREDITSSSSSS

Ummm. So I really thought I would hate this movie. It is mostly problematic as fuck. But some parts of it were good. Like it had funny moments and sad moments and simp moments and it was not awful. Content wise I rate it like a 3/10. Overall rating I give it like an 8/10. If smeyer’s fucked up shit didn’t get in the way of the movie, it could’ve been a 10/10.

HOW THE PAGES OF THE BOOK OPEN TO REVEAL THE MAIN CHARACTERS’ NAMES I’M CRYING

#Twilight #Twilight renaissance #Twilight review #drunken Twilight #Breaking Dawn #Breaking Dawn part 2 #drunken Breaking Dawn

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flawlesspeasant · 5 years

Note

I don’t know if you have even been watching season 16 or if you’re still writing jolex fics but I have a prompt SPOILER FOR MIDSEASON FINALE!!! Fic: Alex’s reaction that jo stole a baby!

this is short and there are probably typos because i wrote it really quick on my phone and didn’t proofread, but yay for being inspired!

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truth is, the two days in iowa made me miss her and that was something i didn’t realize until i stepped outside into the familiar seattle drizzle and waited for the blue honda to park curbside.

the uber was ten minutes late. i called him six times and he answered on the seventh, just to tell me that he was stuck in traffic on the freeway and he’d be there in five more minutes. my first instinct was to yell or look for something soft i could throw at the bathroom wall because she was right, throwing things really does make you feel better.

i’d decided to throw a starbucks cup. a sweet-talking little teenage girl left it there a few minutes ago when she took a call from her boyfriend, and it was half empty so i didn’t think she’d be coming back for it. i was going to take the cup, duck into the bathroom and toss it at the wall repeatedly, over and over, until i felt better because all i wanted to do was get home to her.

the uber came before i could make it into the bathroom, though.

and i knew that it was entirely impossible, but i started to feel like maybe there was somebody in this airport that had access to my mind. stupid, i know. but on the off chance that somebody in the place knew what i was about to do, i tossed the cup into the garbage can like it was what i was going to do the entire time. i didn’t linger around to see if anyone would come back for the cup and frankly, i didn’t care. i just grabbed the small suitcase that she convinced me to take and headed out through the double doors.

i think that was when i started to feel like i missed her.

i didn’t miss her once while i was there because i was busy, barking orders at mom’s caretakers and demanding they give her a room without steps because if she fell down them one more time, i would sue. i didn’t have time to sit down and think about how much i missed the way she’d curl her fingers through my hair in the mornings before i woke up or how she sat me down and gave me an entire presentation on how much more financially responsible it is to stuff everything into a tiny carry-on suitcase instead of paying $45 to check a bag.

but then i was crammed into the backseat of the smallest honda, watching the raindrops drip down my window, thinking about how i could make it home just in time to hear her sing in the shower. that alone was enough to make me grin. see, she sings pretty. i mean, if you asked her if she was a good singer she’d tell you that she isn’t because she can’t hit those really high notes and plus she’s humble. but in reality, she’s great.

iowa made me miss her.

and when i say that i miss her, i don’t mean that lightly.

i missed the big things. like how she always looks for me when she enters the room and how she reaches over to hold my hand when i drive her to work. she looks out the windows and counts the number of trees that haven’t lost their leaves yet and i always shake my head and tell her that she’s “goofy” but what i really mean to say is remarkable.

i missed the little things, too. like way her hair sticks to my chest when she needs to hear my heart beating in the middle of the night, and the way her nose wrinkles when i tease her with a good morning kiss. like the way her eyes wrinkle at the sides when she’s laughing because i burned toast and the small hairs around her ears that she always manages to leave out of a ponytail.

loving her at first was like trying to reign in a hurricane. she came in waves, anger then softness. harsh, then gentle. she ripped through everything that she touched, left carnage in her dust and in the eye of hurricane jo, i stood to be grounded. the eye was the calm. the gentle ways she rubbed my back if she knew i needed a little bit of her, the way she squeezed me in a hug if i needed a lot. she was powerful, and all i could do was try to predict her outcomes, but she was unpredictable. she was strong.

until one day, she wasn’t.

she was undone at the seams, falling apart at every corner. hurricane jo was waning, moving inward to uncharted territory, and the only thing i could do was watch. her strength turned to vulnerablity and she needed me in a way i had never been needed. at last, she was broken and it was up to me to do the fixing.

i was hesitant about therapy at first. i didn’t think that i needed it. funny that way, because after one session, i learned that i didn’t need to chase her. loving her was like reigning in a hurricane, but she didn’t need to be reigned in. i didn’t have to chase her, i just had to follow. she led the way and i trusted her to navigate us into new territory.

she’s back now, by the way. that wild, unpredictability is still the center of her being and i’m glad for that because i don’t know how to love anything less than her whirlwind ways. i’m finally realizing that she was never really gone, her light just burned a little less bright and she has the tools to reignite it now. and i know that i’ve gone soft for her. i mean, when most people think of alex karev they probably don’t think of a guy who sits in the backseat of an uber and reflects on how much he loves his wife. but i swear, if she was your mess — the good kind and the bad — you would go soft, too. hurricane jo has that magic inside of her.

i handed the uber driver two crisp twenties when he pulled up to the loft, and i slid out. the window to our living room was glowing from the outside, so i knew that she was up and she was ready and she was probably waiting for me.

my immediate thought was that she was pregnant, and that scared me which, i found to be a bit weird, actually. because it’s not like i didn’t want a baby with her. i wanted all the parts of her — the mess and the beauty — and maybe the best parts of me. i wanted it all swaddled up into a soft blanket for me to look down at and ogle with love. but the feeling in the pit of my stomach was like going down a rollercoaster ride. the dread and the anticipation swirled all up inside of me, trying to figure out how to coexist at the same time.

i eyed the car seat sitting by the door and closed it, silently trying to think of other reasons why a car seat would be in our loft.

i was sure that she would have told me if she was pregnant, though. if she were pregnant, there’s no way she would have been able to keep that in. jo’s good at keeping secrets, but she definitely would have called me because she’d be bursting and plus, she knows just how badly i’ve wanted this. maybe she was babysitting for hunt and teddy, that was my next thought.

she knew i was home because there’s no way she didn’t hear the door slam shut behind me. i kicked my shoes off on the rug beside the door and shrugged out of my jacket. i knew later she’d gripe at me for throwing it over the arm of the chair instead of hanging it up in the closet, but i didn’t care in that moment. all i cared about was getting to see her.

“jo...?” i called her name as i wandered into the kitchen. there was a half-eaten box of pizza on the stove, so i flipped it open and grabbed a slice. “how old’s this pizza?” i asked, mouth full and chewing.

“from yesterday,” i heard her voice behind me but when i turned around, she wasn’t there.

eventually, she came bounding from behind the divider that separates our bedroom, tongue between her teeth. she exaggerated her tiptoes, dramatic as she often is. watching her come over to me felt like i was waiting for my entire future to come. her hair was tied back in a high ponytail and it swung with every move she made. the sweatpants she got from my drawer hung off her hips and her favorite acdc t-shirt had a white stain down the front of it.

“hey,” i mumbled as the piece of pizza slivered down the back of my throat with a swallow.

“hey,” she sighed and raised up on her tiptoes to press her lips against mine. just like i missed, her fingers curled in my hair and she gave me an eye-crinkling grin. “how’s mom?”

“she’s good,” i tossed the crust of the pizza back into the box and grabbed the bottle of dr. pepper from the fridge to wash it down. “settled in, doing fine. she told me to tell you hi.”

“i’m glad she’s okay,” she continued to smile at me and rocked back and forth on her feet and i knew she was hiding something. “so.. we have to talk.”

“bout what?” I twisted the cap back onto the soda. “baby sleep?”

her eyes widened by about two sizes and she looked at me like i just said something completely forbidden.

“did link already tell you?!”

“tell me what?”

“about the baby...?”

“no? why would link have to tell me?”

“then how do you know?”

“know what? that you’re babysitting allison? the car seat’s right there, i —“

“oh! oh, god, okay, wait —“

“you’re being weird.” i mumbled under my breath as i headed for our bedroom. “how long you babysittin’ for? couple hours?”

“alex, wait. before you go into the room, there’s something i really have to —“

she jogged after me in order to keep up and probably get to the room before me, but i beat her there. i thought she was probably worried that i was going to wake the baby up, but i had no intention on doing that. i just wanted to change out of my pants because the bottoms were wet from the rain.

but when i rounded the corner and crossed the divider, there was nothing pink or blonde or blue-eyed about the baby snoozing on our bed. he was much too new — a few days old if i had to guess just by looking — to be allison. and much too... boy. i looked at jo, expression confused and she gnawed at her fingernail. she only did that when she was really nervous.

“i can explain...” she said, nervous as nervous can be.

a million things ran through my head and none of them were logical. i thought maybe shepherd had her baby and link enlisted her to babysit which was stupid, i know. then i thought that she didn’t know she was pregnant and had the baby at home while i was in iowa because the little tuft of brown hair on his head and his cream colored skin was enough to make me believe... maybe even wish... that he was ours.

“i thought i could handle it!” she started while i was still trying to process. “i told you when i agreed to be a volunteer that i wouldn’t do it if it was too much, that i would just walk away but —“

“he’s a safe haven baby? jo, look this is —“

“i know you’re thinking it’s illegal but it’s not, i checked.”

“you checked?”

“uh-huh! it’s perfectly legal! ...as long as his mother doesn’t come looking for him.”

“jo, you STOLE him. there are policies and procedures in place and certain things —“

“i know but alex, look at him! i can’t even explain it to you but i just held him and i... i just... i was done.”

“you said you weren’t ready for kids. jo, this is all too much for you. this is —“

“i know what i said! but alex, it was so weird. it was SO weird. they put him in my arms and it was like i knew. it was like... like he chose me or something. and then they came to take him away and i... i panicked! i couldn’t let them take him and put him into the system. he’s just so little and so... he’s so little. i panicked. and i told them i was his mother and i changed my mind.”

“this is insane... jo, he’s not ours!”

“but he could be! he could be! just look at him... i was going to call you and tell you but i knew you’d tell me no and this was something i had to follow. i felt it in my heart. i know you don’t understand now, but i need you to trust me. and trust what i feel. this is our baby. he’s meant for us. i knew it as soon as i held him, i knew it. i felt it. and if you held him, you’d feel it too.”

“jo... i...” i sighed and looked at the tiny guy, snoozing with his hands over his head. “this is insane.”

“i know, but just hold him.” she picked him up and handed him to me, awestruck by the little grunts he made as we shifted him. “just hold him.”

i took him into my arms and looked down at his tiny, defenseless body. and it felt wrong because i knew it was wrong. but i wanted to trust her and trust her feeling, so i held him. and i stood by her. because loving her is like trying to reign in a hurricane...

but sometimes i just have to follow her.

#jolex #fanfiction

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nightglider124 · 6 years

Note

5.000 Prompt #4 & #120 - Jinx X Kid Flash, please!

Nice. Er… the first one is probs a little shite; I really struggled with the prompt and idk why.

Second one had me smiling whilst I wrote it tho.

And I know Wally in TTA has blue eyes but I really prefer him having green eyes like in YJ. Oh well, sue me.

These are a fair bit shorter than any of my robstar ones but hey, there are 2 in this reply so.

Hope ya like them.

“You are going to have to eat something if you want to run from cops all day.”

It was warm, thesunlight drenching everything in its path. An interesting thing considering itwas getting on towards the middle of Fall. The orange and brown leaves had mostlyalready fallen to the ground, crunching beneath people’s feet.

Good things were ontheir way like Halloween and Thanksgiving and the nights were getting coolerand crisper; perfect weather for snuggling up to loved ones with hot cocoa.

Wally smiled as hisgreen eyes scanned the windows of the shops they were passing. He had so manyideas for Christmas presents but he was still about 2 months early so he was restraininghimself all he could.

He rolled hisshoulders beneath his red and yellow coat, flexing his fingers that wereintertwined with his girlfriend’s. He looked over at the pink haired beauty inquestion who had her eyes on the sidewalk they were walking upon.

It was nice thatthey could go out together without bothering with disguises or holorings. Thetown they’d chosen to call home together was quiet and whilst they savedinnocents when necessary, the public nor police tended to make connections orreally take an interest; a vast difference to Jump or even Steel city.

She must haverealised he was staring at her because she turned her head toward him,smirking, “What’re you looking at?” She asked, with a mock attitude.

“Just some hottie.”He replied, flashing his teeth as he grinned,

“Loser.” Shelaughed, rolling her eyes.

Jinx suddenlysniffed the air, the delicious aroma of food filling her nostrils, “Wal, do yousmell that?”

He inhaled thesmell of greasy fast food and smiled, “Oooh… hot dogs…”

As they turned thecorner of the street, they located the source. There was a silver trailer withan open front, a sign on the top and a crowd nearby. They could hear the radiobeing played whilst the cook did his job and the sizzling of fries and burgerson the grill were unmistakable.

Wally sped up,dragging Jinx with him. She smiled and rolled her eyes; she often wondered ifthere was ever a time that he wasn’t thinking about food.

He halted in frontof the fast food trailer, his eyes roaming over the menu whilst licking hislips. After what felt like forever, he finally nodded to himself and smiled,

“What do you want,babe?” Wally asked, eyeing Jinx.

“Just a hot dog,thanks.” She murmured, leaning into him a little,

Wally grinned atthe man inside, “Can I get 3 regular hot dogs please?” He asked, gaining anaffirmative nod from the vendor and forked over the cash,

Jinx’s bright eyeswidened and she pulled away to stare at him incredulously, “Seriously? You’regonna eat 2 hot dogs?”

He snorted, “Why doyou sound surprised?”

“I’m not. You’rejust ridiculous.”

“You’re justjealous because my metabolism is waaay faster than yours.”

“Uh-huh, that’s it.You got me.” She muttered, shaking her head,

After a fewminutes, the chef handed one hot dog to Jinx and the other two to the redheadedboy himself. Wally thanked him and the two continued to walk down the streettogether.

Before they’d evenmade 3 blocks, Wally had finished his first hot dog and was onto his second.Jinx, who was halfway through her sole hot dog, raised her eyebrows,

“Where do you evenput it?”

Wally chuckled,taking a huge bite of his secondary hot dog, “I told ya. It burns off before iteven digests meaning I never lose my abs.”

Jinx narrowed hereyes at his stomach, “Abs? Where? I don’t see them.”

He scowled at her, “Ha-Ha.You’re funny.”

She smiled and tookanother bite of her food, “I know.”

As they wandered, acomfortable silence befell them for a short time as the two simply ate theirfood. They reached the end of the street which led to an open park and stopped,Jinx swallowing her last bite of hot dog, scrunching up the napkin and throwingit in the trashcan outside the gates of the park.

“Y’know, it’sprobably a good thing you’ve eaten a lot anyway…” Jinx mentioned, slyly,

Wally paused beforehe could take his last bite. His eyes swiveled to her, unnerved, “Why?” Heasked, skeptical,

She smirked as shestared ahead at the park, “Oh no reason…” She paused, “you are going to have to eat something if you want to run from cops allday.”

By this point hehad finished off his hot dog but passed mid chew to stare at her wide eyed, “What?Why would we be running from police?”

Jinx shrugged, coyand tilted her head from side to side, “Do you remember that diamond bracelet Iwas looking at in the jewelry store?”

Wally slowly nodded,dabbing his face with the napkin cautiously, completely thrown by the thingsshe was saying,

She smirked, thatsignature mischievous glint in her eyes, “Well,it was so expensive but I reallywanted it so…” She scuffed her toe against the concrete briefly,

Whilst Jinx hadreformed and mainly did good things, working as a hero rather than a criminals,she was a bit of a loose cannon and occasionally relapsed on her promises ofnot stealing ever again.

His eyes widened tothe size of dinner plates and he felt his heart drop and a case of nerves buildin his chest instead, “Jinxy, you didn’t-”

“No!”

Momentarily reliefsurged through him, “Oh-”

“You did.”

He almost fell onhis ass, he was so surprised, “What!?”

She gave him aslow, naughty little grin, “Check your pocket.”

Gulping, Wally slida hand down into his coat pocket. He closed his eyes and cringed as hisfingertips brushed over the smoothness of the diamond bracelet. He shook hishead, struggling to form words to reprimand her,

“Jinx! You know wedon’t steal-”

She rolled hereyes, “Being good is okay and all but sometimes, I miss the rush of being acriminal, that’s all.”

Wally flinched ather flippant behaviour, “That’s all!?”

“Will you shut upand start walking already?”

“Why?”

She smirked, “Don’tyou hear the police sirens? We gotta get going if we don’t wanna be caught.”

He merely blinkedat her, his mouth hanging agape as disbelief consumed him. She giggled and spunaround on her heel, sprinting through the gates of the park.

Now that shementioned it, those sirens were getting awfully close. His heart startingbeating rapidly and he gulped, shaking his head and chasing after hisgirlfriend,

“Jinxy! Get backhere!” He called after her, frantically looking back to keep an eye on thosepolice cars closing in,

He really lovedJinx but boy, did she like to throw one hell of a curve ball sometimes.

“I’m not trying to threaten you.” “Well I do feel pretty fucking threatened!”

Licking his barefingers free of pizza grease, Wally smiled lazily to himself, momentarilysatisfied by the entire pepperoni pizza he had just stuffed down his throat. Hewiped his hands on the sofa before sighing and leaned back against the pizza.

He heard asimilar sigh but it was more like a sad or unhappy one.

Wally looked overat Jinx who was sitting more or less like he was, her feet up on the edge ofthe coffee table and her hands resting on her slightly bloated tummy, full fromtheir pizza pig out. The boxes lay on the table, empty with nothing but crumbsleft inside.

“You okay, Jinxy?”He asked, speaking through his food coma haze,

She sighed andshook her head,

“What’s wrong?”He asked, suddenly concerned,

“Wally… you maynot like it but… we need to start eating better.”

He blinked beforehe suddenly found himself in a bit of a cold sweat, nerves rocking through him,“Excuse me?”

Jinx rolled hereyes and sat up straight, crossing her legs and turning her entire body towardshim, “Wally-”

He was confused.

“No, seriously.What?”

“The bad foodhabits aren’t good for us. If we keep it up, we’ll never be useful heroes toanyone.” She told him, tilting her head towards him,

He sat upsuddenly, his brows furrowed and he opened and closed his mouth several timeslike a fish out of water, “You must be joking, Jinx. Tell me you’re joking!” Heshrilled,

She cringed and rolledher eyes at him, “I just mean not as much junk, Wally.”

He shook his headminutely, “Look, if this is your way of trying to get me to participate more indaily training, then ya got me. I’ll do it. You don’t have to threaten me!”

Jinx raised aneyebrow at her boyfriend, “What? I’m nottrying to threaten you-”

“Well I do feel pretty fucking threatened!”Wally yelped, looking like someone had snatched his most favourite toy in theworld from him,

Jinx’s face wasblank and she folded her arms over her chest, “You’re overreacting.”

Wally threw hishands up in the air, “Hey, you’re the one trying to take all the joy outta mylife!”

The pink hairedgirl sighed, “Look, I-” She suddenly stopped and frowned, “Wait, junk food isthe only joy in your life, huh?”

His eyes widenedas he realised what he’d just said, “Wait-”

Jinx got to herfeet, her fists on her hips, “That’s it! I’m replacing everything in the fridgewith salad and fruit! How about that!?”

He slapped hishand to his chest, staggering back against the couch, “Jinxy! NO!” He gaspeddramatically, “Don’t… do… it!”

With that, hecollapsed back on the sofa, his arm and leg falling over the back of the seat.He panted harshly, acting like she was effectively killing him.

“Dear lord, don’tlet her do it.”

Jinx’s expressionwas deadpan and she dropped her shoulders as she stared at her boyfriend incomplete disbelief. She shook her head and rolled her eyes,

“Sometimes, I can’tbelieve I’m actually dating you by choice.” She sighed, collecting the pizzaboxes off the table whilst he continued to fake a heart attack over hersuggestion.

#requests #asks #teen titans #flinx #kid flash #jinx #wally west #1000 follower prompts #fanfiction #oneshot #cute pairing #love em #nightglider124

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classic-rock-roller · 6 years

Text

1. Bonham is joining your family for dinner one night and right from the start, your sister is giving her shit for being fat. She’s letting it slide until meal time comes. Bonham asks, “Could you please pass the potatoes? They’re delicious.” Your sister just looks at her and says, “Ethically I don’t think I should.” This is upsetting to Bonham. How do you respond? What does Bonham say? What do your parents say?

Me: Corinne...shut up and stop being rude before Bons punches you in the face.

Bons: I wouldn’t punch her in the face.

My mom: Corinne that was rude and uncalled for. You need to apologize.

My dad sits there very uncomfortable.

2. A production company approaches your band and pitches their idea to you. They want to make a movie set in the 1800s, but the actors will all be musicians. Their ideal casting is as follows

Gentleman Character: Kevin

Sensitive Man: Tom

Overly Theatrical Funeral Home Director: Erik

Cross Dressing Teen: Sean

Super Rich Dude who is actually a Horny Scumbag: Randy

Perfect Southern Belle: Bonham

Linus: Flamboyant character that you can’t tell if they’re a dude or not

Undecided: You, Rudy, Carlos, Frankie, Crue.

Each person’s character is the exact opposite of their personality in real life. It will be a true testament to any acting abilities you all have. Which roles do the undecided players get? Who all accepts the offer? How does the film turn out with those who accepted?

I end up being the barmaid in charge of the bar and the other barmaids, Rudy is the outlaw, Carlos is the mayor of the town, Frankie is the deputy, Mick is the Sheriff, and the rest of the Crüe boys are miners. We all do which the director loves because then he doesn’t have to find anyone else. It doesn’t turn out too bad. Although some are better at acting that others.

3. Bonham has just learned to play the bass and wants to play it for your band sometimes. “You can’t have 2 basses in a band though, it’s not the same as other instruments.” Linus comments. You all agree, since it’s a fair point, but wonder how to proceed. Finally, the idea comes to you all that she and Erik could do dueling basses. Every show while the rest of the group takes intermission, they’ll duel it out on basses (like Lars Ulrich and James Hetfield would do with the drums). How do you and the rest of your band like the idea? How do the crowds like it? What do you all say?

I love this idea because I’ve always loved the dueling guitars concept except that we never found someone to meet Linus’ standards.

Linus and Sean think its great because it means they get to take a break once in a while.

The crowds go wild over it. They find it amazing and it makes Erik and Bons bond more as friends. They’ll plan while licks to play off each other. And we become known as the band who duels basses every night.

4. Kevin is leaving on a plane to visit some family during the spring just after you got with Tom. You’ve known Bonham has had feelings for him for ages but she’s a chickenshit and hasn’t done anything about it. You’re all seeing him off at the airport. The flight attendant is getting ready to call up the boarding groups. Kevin stands up and wishes you all goodbye, but then, very suddenly and in a moment of 80s-esque theatrics, Bonham goes up to him and says, a little too loudly, “It’s dangerous to go alone, take this!” and kisses him passionately. How does he respond? What do you and Tom say? What do you think of her terrible theatrics?

Kevin slowly opens his eyes, “...whoa.”

I squeal because I’ve been hoping Bons would do that for weeks and Tom goes, “Jesus Christ.” I pull her into a hug and go, “It took you long enough. I was waiting for you to kiss him. I’ve known you had a thing for him for weeks. You’re not good at hiding it.”

5. Bonham has been in a bit of a depressive rut lately, and she’s been saying that she wishes she could feel something. You blow it off, as does everyone else; she’s been overly dramatic before, it’ll pass. One day, you and her Tom and Kevin are driving around in a vintage 1964 Ford Galaxie. She clicks the car’s cigarette lighter when Kevin asks her to, and when it’s ready, she pulls out the knob thing (idk what it’s called. sue me.), but instead of handing it to Kevin she looks at it for a moment, contemplating, until you see her stick it deliberately on her thigh. She’s screaming in pain, and eventually you pull over (you’re driving) and ask her, “What the hell?” Through her tears she says, “I just wanted to feel something.” What do you all say to that? How bad is her burn? What do you do next?

I pull over within two seconds of her screaming. I pull it out of her hand and glare at her, “Don’t ever do that again, ok? You worry me. Let me see.” It’s a second almost third-degree burn and I drive her to the hospital. When it’s bandaged I go, “Please be more careful, please. You worry me. I don’t want you hurting yourself.”

6. You and Bonham and Sean and Kevin and Tom are in the studio one day working on the soundtrack to your band’s biopic. Everyone except Sean is in the room looking over some promotional photos, and Sean soon comes in with a peanut butter sandwich. At one point you ask what he thinks, and he just says, “You guys ready for some awesome ASMR?” before making smacking sounds with the peanut butter in his mouth. How do you all respond?

Me: ahh! Sean! Knock it the fuck off that makes my spine crawl.

Erik: Stop chewing with your mouth open, it’s disgusting.

Linus (rolling his eyes and huffing): Idiot.

Tom: Man, stop it, that’s gross.

Bons is ignoring him and continuing to look over the promotional photos.

7. You come home one day to find Tom and Kevin and Bonham sitting out on the front porch. Tom’s in a chair with his phone, and Bonham and Kevin are on the step facing each other with water in their mouths. As you walk up, Tom reads a stupid joke from his phone, and Kevin and Bonham struggle not to laugh. Soon enough, they both fail to keep a straight face. Bonham’s water just kind of drops out of her mouth, but Kevin’s spews out all over Bonham. Tom says, “Point for Bonham. Reset.” “what are you doing?” you ask. “This is the spit take challenge. They both get a mouthful of water, I tell a dumb joke, and whoever spews farther loses. It’s pretty funny cause Kevin’s really bad at it.” Tom explains. How do you respond? Do you let them keep going? Who wins in the long run?

“Well...that’s a game.”

I let them keep going and Bons wins in the long run because she doesn’t spew everywhere.

8. Bonham was just released from jail, but she still won’t tell you why. You and her are hanging out with Kevin and Tom one day when Kevin grabs her around the waist and kisses her neck and says, “You’re mine.” She doesn’t even look him in the eye and says, “I’m on probation right now so I belong to the state of Colorado.” How do you, Tom, and Kevin respond? What do you think she did?

Kevin pouts, “You’re no fun.”

Me: What did you do?”

Tom: Yeah, what did you do that you got probation.

I think she got into a fight and punched out a guy and I’m right. The news is all over this because of how famous our band is.

9. You and Tom and Kevin are waiting for Bonham to get off work so you can all go out. She gets home and promptly collapses on the couch, her head in Kevin’s lap, and groans. “What’s your deal?” Tom asks. “I just moved 3500 pounds of tile almost singlehandedly, I am not in the mood for your shit today.” She groans again. How do you and Kevin respond? How does Tom react? How does the evening go?

Me: Ok, well, Tom and I’ll go home. You seem like you need rest.

Bons (Struggling to get up): No, I can go out.

Kevin: Are you sure, honey? We can stay in so you can relax?

She groans as she tries to get up.

Tom: That’s it! I’m ordering takeout. We’ll watch a movie here.

We get Chinese takeout and eat it while watching a comedy. It’s a pretty good night.

10. Your band (+ Kevin and Tom) are helping out a local high school with their spring musical since Bonham wrote it and it features songs from all of your bands. On the first day when you get there, you’re admiring the set when the theatre director says to one of the students, “Nicole, will you show these fine folks around? I’ve got to take roll.” A student comes up to you and says, “Hi, I’m Nicole, I’m playing the lead in this–whoa, you have some massive tits.” She’s staring at Bonham, and she said it really loud, so now the whole auditorium full of teenagers are staring. How does Bonham react? What do you and your band and Kevin and Tom say? How does sitting in on rehearsal go?

Bonham blushes a bit but ignores the comment.

Kevin: You bet she does!

Which makes Bons blush more.

Tom: Kevin! There are teenagers present. Shut up.

I roll my eyes.

Linus(to the student): That was very rude of you. You should apologize.

Sean is in the bathroom

Erik: Jesus, Linus. It was an accident, relax.

The student apologizes profusely. Us sitting in doesn’t go too bad.

11. Bonham and some guy friends of hers are helping to remodel yours and Tom’s new house. They’re offloading tile from the truck when she picks up a box and drops it on her hand, and you hear a crunching sound. She moves the box to where it goes, takes off her glove (she’s turned away so you can’t see what her hand looks like), and you see her hands start to shake. She puts it back on and they keep offloading, but at one point one of her friends stops her and says, “Are you in pain?” “No,” she says back and grabs another box. Her friend takes the box from her, puts it down, and then grabs her arm before she can pick up another one. “Bull. Shit. I can see it on your face. What did you do?” “I dropped a box of tile on my hand.” “How bad is it?” Her friend asks and takes off her glove just as you and Tom walk up to see what’s up. The glove hits the ground and the friend gasps. “I could have kept going if you didn’t insist on seeing my hand.” Bonham says. What does her hand look like? What does the friend say? How do you and Tom react? What do you all do next?

It looks really bad most likely broken.

Friend: Jesus.

I push my way in holding baby Chrissy, “Let me see. Christ Bons, I’m taking you to the hospital.” I hand Chrissy to Tom and take Bons to the car while Tom gets the kids in the back seat.

Bons: I don’t have to go.

Tom: Bullshit, You’re in pain we can see it and it looks like you broke your hand.

Cassie: Is auntie Bons gonna be ok?

Me: She will be once we get her to the doctor.

_____________________

1) Your singer brings you, Kevin, and Randy around to meet her friends and while introducing them, her friend Ash comes up to Kevin. Your singer introduces them and Ash goes, “You look like the love child of Gene Wilder and Will Ferrell.” How do you, Randy, your singer, and Kevin respond?

2) You, Kevin, Randy, and your singer are sitting on the couch. Your singer gets up to get a soda and Kevin goes, “Yo, get me a soda.” Randy asks, “Can you get me a soda, please?” Your singer comes back out with two and hands one to Randy, “Randy, you know you’re adorable and a sweetheart?” How do you, Kevin, and Randy respond?

3) You and Kevin come back to you and your singer’s apartment to find her sitting on the couch. You ask her how her day went and she responds, “I have realized I am a very boring person. I spent the last eight hours watching a documentary series on the nineties.” How do you and Kevin respond?

4) You and your singer are waiting for her sister to get dressed before going black Friday shopping. She comes out in cropped jeans and a tucked in black t-shirt, and vans. Your singer gives one look at her and goes, “You look like Jackie Kennedy.” How do you and your singer’s sister respond?

5) You and your singer are sitting at the kitchen table working on homework. Randy and Kevin come back to your apartment from practice and your singer says to Kevin, “I know what’s wrong with you.” “What?” “Your adolescent egocentrism never left. That’s why you’re so annoying.” How do you, Kevin, and Randy respond?

6) You and Kevin are with Tom, your singer, Cassie, Sam, and Chrissy in Disney World. As you’re walking you hear Kevin mumble, “Absolutely not, absolutely not.” Under his breath and you turn around to see Tigger pull Kevin into a hug. How does he respond and what do you, your singer, Tom, Cassie, and Sam say?

7) You, your singer, Kevin, and Tom are on a road trip. One night, your singer is driving and it’s very dark. You’re in the middle of the woods. All of a sudden the car starts to make crazy noises and you ask what’s wrong when your singer pulls over. Your singer goes, “I think we’ve got a flat tire.” She screams to the back, “KEVIN! TOM! GET UP.” They both jump and she goes, “We have a flat tire you guys are gonna have to help me.” How do Tom and Kevin respond and how does changing the tire go?

8) You, Tommy, Nikki, and your singer are sitting doing work in your singer’s room when all of a sudden you hear rap music being blasted from next door. Your singer sighs before going over to her record player and playing a record really loud. It soon results in a music war where both sides keep turning it up. How do you, Tommy, and Nikki respond and does your neighbor come over to tell you to shut up?

9) You’re at dinner with your singer, Tommy, Nikki, and Kevin. Your singer gets up after dinner and goes, “I’ll see you guys in 48 hours. I’m going to lock myself in the library to write my paper.” You know she probably won’t eat or sleep during these 48 hours. How do you, Tommy, Nikki, and Kevin respond? Does she end up barricading himself in the library?

10) You, your singer, Tom, and Kevin are out on a double date. It’s going well and in the middle of dinner, Tom proposes to your singer. How does your singer react and what do you and Kevin say? Does your singer say yes?

11) You come back from class to find your singer hitting the ceiling with a brook. “What are you doing?” “Oh Tommy upstairs is having sex WAY too loudly and he woke me up from a nap so...” She goes back to banging the ceiling. Soon you hear a knock on the door and open it to find Tommy, “Hey man, can you tell your roommate to knock it off? It’s ruining the mood for Pamela and me.” Your singer pops her head in the doorway. How does she respond and what do you and Tommy say?

12) For your biopic, you decide to cover Girls Girls Girls. Crüe comes to watch the music video and when they do they all stop in their tracks. You and your singer are dressed how you were when you were in their music video for Girls the only difference is your playing bass with Erik which makes the bass extra heavy. You knock the song out of the park and afterwards, your singer goes to Crüe and Tom, “So what did you think?” Tommy screams, “You two look so fucking hot. Why did you ever stop dressing like that?” Vince screams, “Yeah! The things I want to do to you two...” Your singer screams, “Vince keep your erection in your pants.” How do you, your band, Tom, and Crüe respond?

@osbournebemydaddy your turn Bons :)

#tag game #tag war

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radfemetc · 6 years

Text

When Bindels speak*

Fourteen years ago, in an opinion column in The Guardian provocatively entitled ‘Gender Benders, Beware’, lesbian feminist activist Julie Bindel wrote that:

“I don’t have a problem with men disposing of their genitals, but it does not make them women, in the same way that shoving a bit of vacuum hose down your 501s does not make you a man.”

I vaguely remember reading this at the time, slightly bemused both at the piece and then at the subsequent outraged public reaction to it. Fast forward to a few months ago, and I’ve just published some blog pieces which, though not reaching Bindelesque proportions, have proved moderately controversial in my discipline, academic philosophy. As I discuss and defend my views on social media, and watch others discuss them, the name of Julie Bindel comes up repeatedly, as an example of company which, it is presumed, I absolutely don’t want to keep. A well-established male philosopher intones repeatedly about Bindel’s ‘offensive, transphobic’ comments in the past. Another describes her to me as a ‘loopy extremist’, and ‘potty’. I go back to find the article online and rather disbelievingly check whether it’s the same one I vaguely remember. It is.

Now, to attempt to mitigate against such perceptions, which perhaps you share, I could tell you about Bindel’s frankly stunning track record of effective activism, working on behalf of natal women and girls world-wide with an energy and bravery which borders on heroic. I could tell you that the context of her Guardian piece was partly a discussion of an attempt by trans women Kimberley Nixon to sue Vancouver Rape Relief for not allowing her to work with traumatised natal women fleeing male sexual violence: a case which rumbled on for another three years before Nixon lost, costing the shelter thousands of dollars to defend against. I could point out that the idiom of the piece was clearly intended to be comic, colourful, and frank, and was pretty funny in several places; for instance:

“When I were a lass, new to feminism and lesbianism, I was among the brigade who would sit in the women’s disco wearing vegetarian shoes and staring in disbelief at the butch/femme couples, mainly because they were having a better time than me”.

I could tell you that even so, she later apologised ‘unreservedly’ for writing the article. I could point out that many of the things she says in the piece are prescient, and over time have only got more troubling: worries about how trans ideology often essentialises wholly sexist gender stereotypes about masculine and feminine behaviour; about the development of a culture apparently in favour of cutting off parts of healthy bodies if one is ‘unhappy with the constraints of .. gender’; and about the harmful implied message sent by this culture to butch lesbians and camp gay men. And I could also easily manifest the anger I felt, as I read these online comments from middle-class heterosexual males, typing smugly and contemptuously about one moment fourteen years ago in the life of a working-class lesbian, who has devoted most of the rest of that life to addressing issues such as child grooming, sex trafficking, prostitution, and cross-border surrogacy; doing activism in the field, and not just from the armchair.

But to cite these facts as exculpatory of Bindel would suggest that an ordinary woman who had said roughly the same thing as her– that is, that trans women aren’t, in fact, women — and yet who was not already a heroic feminist defender of natal women, or who wasn’t partly talking about an odiously selfish individual such as Nixon, would be at fault. I deny this too. That is, I reject the near-pathological zeal with which trans activists, ‘trans allies’, and ‘woke blokes’ generally, seek to monitor and control natal women’s language in this domain: not just with respect to discussing whether trans women are actually women, but also in uses of particular names and pronouns, and gender attributions.

The statement “transwomen are women” has become a kind of mantra for so-called progressives. To understand what it is meant by it, we need to distinguish the use of that phrase, in those mouths, from two other contexts. One of those involves a claim about the law. Since 2004, those in the UK with a Gender Recognition Certificate are counted as having had their gender ‘reassigned’. This is not, and was never intended to be, any pronouncement on a biological fact. It is in fact impossible for a child or adult to biologically change sex. (I’m prepared to offer arguments for this, if needed, but most readers will, I hope, accept it as true). Nor was this law supposed to pronounce definitively on the question of whether a trans woman with a GRC ‘really is’ a woman. The Gender Recognition Act was at most intended to allow for a legal status — that of ‘gender reassignment’ — for the purposes of access to certain protections under the law.

A second version of the claim “trans women are women” is uttered for therapeutic reasons. One basis for self-identifying as a trans person is the condition of gender dysphoria. It is assumed by many medical practitioners that, on diagnosis of this condition, treating a person ‘as if’ belonging to their self-identified gender is helpful to their well-being; whereas confronting them with their ‘birth-assigned’ gender, or the biological facts of their sex, is not. We might easily interpret this as a kind of benevolent role-playing or method-acting, extending from the medical practitioner out into the wider community: act as if a trans woman is a woman, in most social contexts. But this is completely compatible with denying that trans women really arewomen, in a more committed sense.

Somehow, though, in recent years, a respectful concern for the well-being of trans people has supposedly morphed into a literal claim about category membership: trans women really are women. That is: trans women belong unambiguously in the category of women; the concept of woman literally applies to them. For most trans activists, this is supposed to be true whether the trans woman is a post-operative transsexual, or a trans woman on hormones, or whether she belongs to the significant proportion of trans women who are neither. She ‘is’ a women, whether she transitioned in her teens, or in middle-age; whether thirty years ago, or yesterday. Moreover, for many trans activists, not only are trans women literally women, but if they have children, they can be mothers. If they have female partners, they can be lesbians. They can be victims of misogyny. And so on. One by one, the familiar words women have used to describe themselves tumble like a chain of dominoes.

Such claims are usually unargued-for. They are presented more as self-evident truths; the outcome of revelation, perhaps, or as some article of faith which it would be downright evil to try to deny or complicate. As this description suggests, agreement with such claims is ruthlessly socially enforced by trans activists. Not only are you not supposed to refer to or imply, in front of a trans person, any fact about their natally-bestowed gender or biological sex; you aren’t suppose to mention these, even in their absence. To do otherwise is sometimes called a form of ‘violence’. Even on a massive UK discussion forum like Mumsnet, in a thread about trans people written by gender-critical feminists and directed towards fellow gender-critical feminists, you aren’t supposed to mention it. Even on a Whatsapp group chat involving natal women working at the BBC, you aren’t supposed to mention it. It doesn’t matter if your subject matter is Labour party all-woman shortlists, what to do about children who think they are trans, medical discussions, biology teaching, or presumably, your own relatives; you are never, ever, eversupposed to describe trans women as men or male, ‘deadname’, ‘misgender’, or use the ‘wrong’ pronouns out loud. Even trans women themselves aren’t supposed to do these things: see the bullying treatment that trans women in the UK such as Miranda Yardley, Kristina Harrison, and Debbie Hayton get, when they deny that they themselves are ‘really’ women, and seek a different narrative.

This is in itself quite striking, as for other false claims about category membership, people are normally socially permitted to assert them. Take the claims: “Elton John is straight”. “Marvin Gaye is white”. Those claims are obviously false, but there was, presumably, no inward gasp of horror as you just read them. Now contrast with: “Caitlyn Jenner is a man”; “Lily Madigan is biologically male; he is a man”. Even though I mention these as exemplary sentences, rather than assert them myself, I assume that at least some readers think I just wrote something awful. Moreover, this is presumably not just the feeling that I showed a lack of respect for the addressee’s wishes; for if I tell you that the composer of the song ‘Rocket Man’ is Reginald Dwight, presumably you don’t think I just committed ‘violence’ against Elton John by ‘deadnaming’ him.

Writing down those phrases about Jenner and Madigan just now, but without quotation marks, would be enough to have me banned from Twitter. Articles have been removed from Medium for less. This is not, despite what opponents have sometimes suggested, because such statements are obviously morally equivalent to denying the personhood or humanity of those who are racially different to oneself. (Again, I’m happy to offer arguments for this — it won’t take long — but I leave it aside for the moment, on the assumption that most readers aren’t so sophomoric). Nor is it reasonable to think that hearing such statements will generally cause trans people to have thoughts of suicide, as is sometimes dramatically suggested by Owen Jones, in a way that means we should never utter them.

A better explanation seems to involve the thought that, should a speaker X publically refer to a trans person Y by their natally-bestowed name or pronouns, even out of the earshot of Y, Y might later find out about it; or at least, some other trans person might find out about it, and by extrapolation to their own case, be caused to experience a distressing episode of dysphoria. Equally, presumably, it is worried that if a trans woman overhears a general claim such as “trans women are men/ males”, she will be caused great distress; perhaps too, a trans man might be caused great distress, again by extrapolating to his own case.

However, this reasoning clearly has limits. If gender critical feminists are talking to each other on a discussion thread clearly advertised for the purpose, or in a Whatsapp group, then it just seems too demanding to require they talk a certain way, just in case a trans woman or trans man reads or ‘hears’ them. The trans woman in question would almost certainly have to be specially looking. Quite often trans activists will equate misgendering along the lines of going up to a trans person and screaming ‘you’re a man!’ in their face(always ‘screaming’, of course). Obviously this isn’t what is happening in the contexts just mentioned: this is natal women talking to other natal women, about matters of great importance to them, as such, and with no reasonable expectation that they will be accidentally ‘overheard’.

In any case: even if one can foresee that trans people will overhear when one denies that trans women are women — is that a compelling reason not to say what one thinks? It rather depends on what is at stake. It was part of the original argument of my blog pieces that rather a lot is currently at stake in the UK with respect to this matter. There are several conflicts of interest that arise between trans women, as a category, and women, as a category, competing for the same spaces and resources. Trans activists seem to think that natal women should accede to all their demands. In that context, I think natal women should be allowed to speak freely in a critical way about the underpinnings of trans activist views. If natal women conclude after consideration that trans women aren’t women, they should be able to say so, whether or not they’re ultimately right.

Partly too, though, I think that the moral horror which unconsciously accompanies ‘misgendering’ in particular is, perversely, an artefact of sexist normative stereotypes for natal women and men. We tend to frame statements like “Caitlyn Jenner is a man/ male” in terms of insults launched at ‘butch’ or ‘manly’ natal women. The combination of a woman’s name and the epithet ‘man’ or ‘male’ sounds insulting, automatically. Compare: “Kathleen Stock is a man”. Were you to hear someone else saying this, perhaps you would empathically imagine me hearing the same thing and finding it distressing or embarrassing; you might assume that as a woman, I must aspire to the norm of a feminised appearance, and must suffer if I miss the mark. But — of course — to say e.g. that “Caitlyn Jenner is a man” isn’t an insult, in many contexts in which it is uttered. It is, in the mouths of many, a descriptive fact, not a slur or insult. Indeed, arguably it could only be an insult in the way just indicated, if in fact the speaker already assumed that Caitlyn Jenner was a woman. And this is, precisely, not assumed by those that tend to say it.

What else might underly the reaction to Bindel, in particular? I’m sure that part of it is to do with another sexist assumption: that women cannot be bawdy, frank, or colourful in their language; they must be sober, measured, cautious, responsible, kind. At this point we might as well also revisit Germaine Greer’s statement from the Victoria Derbyshire show in 2015:

“Just because you lop off your penis and then wear a dress doesn’t make you a fucking woman .. I’ve asked my doctor to give me long ears and liver spots and I’m going to wear a brown coat but that won’t turn me into a fucking cocker spaniel.”

This is a vividly Rabelaisian way of making the basic claim — which I have argued that natal women should be freely permitted to make, whether or not it is true — that trans women aren’t women. It caused an enormous fuss at the time, and is still regularly cited, along with other such statements, as evidence of Greer’s ‘transphobia’. Yet in her brilliant and funny seminal work of feminism The Female Eunuch, published in 1970, it is clear from Greer’s discussion of April Ashley that she held the same position then as she does now. Greer expresses herself frankly about many things, and always has. See also, for instance, this brutal passage, also from The Female Eunuch, about female students in Universities:

“Their energy is all expended on conforming with disciplinary and other requirements, not in gratifying their own curiosity about the subject that they are studying, and so most of it is misdirected into meaningless assiduity. This phenomenon is still very common among female students, who are forming a large proportion of the arts intake at universities, and dominating the teaching profession as a result. The process is clearly one of diminishing returns: the servile induce servility to teach the servile, in a realm where the unknown ought to be continually assailed with all the human faculties: education cannot be, and has never been a matter of obedience”. (p.75)

Now, you very possibly disagree with this, and so do I. And the style may not be to your taste. You might prefer your lady writers hedged, scholarly, sympathetic, and so on. Myself, I find it refreshing, like a bucket of cold salt water has been chucked over me after days of humid air. That is of course, compatible with saying that I disagree with a lot of what Greer says: as I have a mind of my own, this is hardly surprising. But whether Greer is to your taste or not, it is simply obvious that we don’t police colourful derogatory male speech in anything like the same way, whether the males in question are talking about natal women/ females, or even trans people.

The constant harping of progressive men on supposedly salutary examples like Bindel and Greer sends a message to natal women. Don’t say what you think. Don’t express an opinion on what women are; leave it to trans women to decide that. Don’t be assured. Don’t be bold. Don’t be whimsical or linguistically playful. Don’t try to be funny. Watch your mouth. Given the typical circumstances of female socialisation, natal women are already highly susceptible to such messages, and to feeling shame as a result. So here’s a task for any progressive males reading. Next time a natal woman expresses herself in a way you find unattractive, unseemly, unkind, or downright rude about trans people, then, assuming they aren’t “screaming it in a trans person’s face”: why not shut the fuck up and keep it to yourself.

Kathleen Stock

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luminisvii · 6 years

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So it’s pretty late right now and I’m liberally using the Bold function, but let’s talk about bad fanfiction.

Usually the first thing that springs to mind when it comes to bad fanfiction is My Immortal. Anyone who’s talked to me for more than five minutes knows that My Immortal is undoubtedly one of my favorite pieces of literature. And that’s not a joke, I think it’s an absolute masterpiece of bad. The misspellings, the reworkings of the characters to be goth/scene in an incredibly middle school way, to Marty McFly’s cameo to the chapter written by a self proclaimed troll--It’s a perfect storm of bad literature that makes for a hilarious read. I won’t get into a huge tangent but what makes My Immortal so funny is it has a certain level of naturalness to its writing where you’re never quite sure how serious the author is. The true joke is the mystery. We’ll never know who wrote the infamous fic and how serious they were when they did.

However, My Immortal is kind of scratching the surface. See, that’s a fic that’s actually funny bad. Most bad fanfiction is bad bad. Today, I intend to discuss the lesser known fanfic that I rank as being one of the most difficult reading experiences I ever had, and I only successfully pulled through after many years thanks to the love and support of my friends and us reading it out loud at 4 AM.

That fanfic is known as My Inner Life. Don’t let the title fool you, it was written well before our favorite goff showcase and it’s honestly a whole lot worse. This Legend of Zelda fic, written by one Jen and based on her dreams, features a young lady named Jenna who is a simple merchant traveling in Hyrule when one Link catches her eye and it goes downhill from there. The short version is that there’s a lot of overly dramatic sex, tedious clothes descriptions that include too many triforces, poor treatment of horses, Jenna getting praised and lavished with attention for no reason, and no research put into the lore. After a while it straight up forgets about being an Ocarina of Time fanfic and launches off into some nonsense about griffins and an evil lord I can’t actually remember the name of (It was very late and I was very tired so I called him Lord Asshole after a while, it has the same effect) and also that The Griffins, who live just beyond the Black Mountains, do not trust easily.

If you wish to read it, you should probably quit now, but if you are too weak (which is honestly understandable) here’s my recounting of the story.

Where to start is a little bit hard, but a good place is the insane 2,000 word author’s note at the beginning. Jen, seemingly unaware of how thin skinned she’s being, goes on about how anyone who leaves her a negative review is being is immature and thin-skinned. Here’s a delightful excerpt that shows the author’s view on all of this!

“Also as a side note, I NEVER physically hurt ANYONE with this story. I got one reviewer that said. “Oh God please stop writing, your hurting everyone.” Now I want to know where I physically touched that person. I want to know how I’m twisting anyone’s arms to read this. I have never done anything of the sort in any way, shape or form and I DO NOT appreciate being accused of that! If you’re emotionally hurt over this, its your fault not mine.”

She spends quite a bit of time talking about how reviewers need to be more mature as she dedicates that much time to complaining about negative reviews and methodically rebuking everything they say from her poor grammar to Jenna being a Mary Sue. Now, props to the author for straight up saying that Jenna is the obvious author avatar that she is--Jenna is simply the dream persona of Jen, which okay, fine, that is not that bad. It’s what happens with Jenna that really makes me want to drink.

The other majorly telling factor is the first line of the story itself.

“Dreams come in many forms. Some good, some bad, some very realistic, even ones that feels very real.”

You may have noticed a redundancy there. That is only the beginning. If you get tired of hearing about the same things repeatedly, you will be VERY tired very quickly in here. Jen likes to constantly explain things to the point where she has footnotes in the story, and just after citing a footnote she explains what was cited in text anyway so now you have a double explanation.

“A tale of love, passion, despair and hope. I enjoyed my inner life. I looked forward to going to sleep to it every night. And I look forward to ones that will come, because LOVE WILL NEVER DIE.”

I love quoting that. I’m also not sleeping so I guess I don’t know the meaning of true love.

Anything beyond this point is where I start to die because I actually grew up playing Ocarina of Time and I’m quite well versed in its lore, so if you are too this is going to be about as pleasant as root canal.

Since me recounting everything in detail means we’d be here into the next year, I’m going to try to boil this down to its essence. TL;DR: Jenna meets Link and they fuck. Badly. A month later and they’re getting married so they can fuck more. This whole time you have King Hyrule who is treating a random merchant off the street better than Zelda, the Sages are just inexplicably back despite now residing in the Sacred Realm. Zelda also inherently gives up the throne because she will not marry and thus is no longer in the line of succession but this random guy from Kokiri Forest who married a random merchant is! Ruto is turned into a jealous harpy and the other sages hardly appear at all.

After they get married they go to the part where I quit the first time I started reading this fic which was the Bonding Ceremony. If getting married to a guy you met a month ago wasn’t enough, going to a monastery and getting telepathically bonded by drinking his piss sure is. Okay, it’s not JUST the piss drinking, but that was enough to make poor 2014 me stop trying and go lie down. They also fuck in front of the monks because that’s a thing straight people do, I guess.

Somewhere in there Jenna gets pregnant and has a child. She names the child Link Jr. I don’t have anything to say about that, I think it’s comedy in itself. On top of that Epona also gets pregnant so they get new horses named Midnight Star and Star Dancer. That’s not an important detail at all, my friend simply hates those horse names and I’m bringing them up on the off chance that she reads this.

Oh yeah, Dark Link is an antagonist at one point and he inexplicably talks exactly like a stereotypical villain and ties Link and Jenna up in a room and leaves them there for no reason like a small time crook leaving Batman in a cage with all his gizmos nearby. And turns out Jenna has magical powers and is from some ancient race of super people or whatever. They have to explain this over and over again in the same few paragraphs and I want to die.

Beyond all the bad sex that has tiger metaphors (Somehow Jen knows how tigers fuck) there’s the Original Material which had me crying more than the tragedy that was the remain of OoT’s story. Once we get tired of Link and Jenna’s love story and Tiger Sex, there’s suddenly an invasion from Lord Ariakas who is threatening the Griffins who live beyond the Black Mountains, just a day’s ride from Hyrule. He’s just some evil guy who threatens the Griffins, who do not trust easily, and who live near The Black Mountains. If you think redundancy is painful then prepare for the worst redundancy you’ve seen yet. I went insane when we were reading this and tallied all the times The Black Mountains are mentioned and turns out it was a whole lot less than I thought, but almost all of them happened in a short amount of time so it felt like an eternity of explaining The Black Fucking Mountains. Turns out I’m a masochist of sorts because this STILL didn’t shake me off. In order to repel Lord Arakias’ forces, Link and Jenna need to talk to the Griffins who like to make a big deal about how they don’t trust anyone as they instantly trust Jenna and let her into their royal court to give her support and magical gifts. It’s kind of incredible how Jenna does nothing and is constantly rewarded for it.

Sadly this ends in a cliffhanger, like all good terrible fanfics. But that’s a semi-coherent retelling of the actual plot. It takes way too long to explain any of these plot points in story. Characters constantly repeat themselves, there’s a bunch of small plot points I left out because we’d REALLY be here all year if we talked about this, there’s the original material where I have to give credit that she went and did this BUT ALSO DID YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS MANY TIMES WHAT THE BLACK FUCKING MOUNTAINS ARE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

I’m not okay. Time for some deeper analysis of particularly notable parts.

The sex scenes are sadly some of the less entertaining sections. They’re pretty boring for the most part, but then you have shit like “I turned tigress” and my personal favorite, “when I took his nut sack and caressed it with my hand, it was his undoing.” That exact sentence shows up TWICE in the fic, same wording and everything. Remember this, ladies, next time you have sex with a man, caress his nut sack. It’ll be his undoing. It’s not just the silly wording, though, there’s some stupid stuff in there too about how having sex makes your children stronger and also exactly how much fluid Jenna is ejecting which is a little bit alarming to say the least. Otherwise they’re a bit bland and use the same flowery language that you’d expect from poorly written erotica. Also they fuck in front of a bunch of monks. It’s for the bonding.

If you’re into LoZ lore then you’re going to have a bad time, too. My favorite thing is showing people the segment where Jenna explains how the OoT timeskip works because it makes zero sense to everyone, OoT fan or not. Let’s take a quick history lesson for OoT if you’re not familiar with it. In Ocarina of Time, a major plot point and element of gameplay is that Link travels between past and future in a seven year gap. From Link’s point of view, the change is instantaneous, right down to the fact that his age changes from child to adult and vice versa. To everyone else, they’re living those seven years. Time continues without Link there to observe it, and in Link’s absence Hyrule collapses. Thus is the plot--trying to stop Ganondorf from destroying the future with a power that Link and Zelda accidentally gave him. The point is all Non-Link people experience time normally, and the world moves on.

Somehow Jenna missed something that I inherently understood when I was a wee child of 8, barely able to play Ocarina of Time due to poor reading comprehension and lack of Zelda Puzzle Solving Skills™.

“Gannondorf tricked the soon to be "Hero of Time" into unlocking the door to the Sacred Realm. I even noticed that Zelda was a little older then I. Last I saw her she was four years younger then me. It was told to me that when Gannondorf went into the Temple of Time and into the Scared Realm, time jumped ahead in Hyrule seven years. Yet only two years passed in my land. And in the rest of the world.

After the "Hero of Time" defeated the King of Evil, the hero was granted to either return to the past or to remain in the present time. Since he chose to remain in the present Zelda jumped ahead of me in age by four years. It seems that everyone in Hyrule jumped in age from the rest of the world.”

I’m not sure I really understand still. I’ve read this so many times trying to comprehend and maybe I’m just stupid but this doesn’t scan. But when you time travel it should affect the whole world or else that’d be pretty fucked. Back To The Future would be pretty wack if only Hill Valley was sent back to the 50s but everywhere else was still 80s.

God, I spent too much time on this. It still hurts my brain.

I also just have to have a section where I metaphorically hand Zelda a box of chocolates and a check for 5,000 dollars for even being in this mess. The real MVP of the story is Zelda for tolerating all this bullshit. She has to watch her father treat Jenna better than her, she gives Jenna a bracelet from her mother who is dead for Jenna’s wedding, she has to passively accept that because she isn’t married she’s lost her claim to the throne and it’s being handed over to Link and Jenna because despite both of them being nobodies they’re more legitimate heirs to the throne than the king’s own daughter. She also has to be the one to help Jenna birth her baby and it’s maybe a little bit weird to have the princess of a nation be your personal midwife. Even if she is your so called best friend. Were I ever in the circumstances of giving birth, I wouldn’t make my friends help. Please get an actual nurse. Also for some reason Jenna won’t stop calling her baby a miracle and it’s done so frequently it’s a little off-putting. Even the chapter where the child is born is called “The Miracle” like idk I know life is mysterious and miraculous but I’m not sure giving birth, something a lot of cis woman can do, is a “miracle.” Me not sobbing while reading this is a miracle. Zelda, honey, you deserve so much better.

I’m running out of things that will actually last a paragraph or so tangent wise, so time to wrap things up with smaller notes:

-Jenna thinks that you boot horses in the knees to get them moving. You are probably not riding a horse right if you can kick it in the knees while sitting on its back. That’s not even getting into other horse related mishaps like the fact that kneecapping them isn’t a good idea either.

-Link Jr. is capable of math at like, four months or something. I wish I was that talented.

-Ruto is my wife and I will not stand for this slander against her. Yeah, call me a fish fucker if you want, Sidon is cute too don’t @ me

-Take a shot every time Jenna mentions triforces on her outfit (actually don’t)

-Jenna makes a big deal about how Link has to go off to war and how she’ll miss him and he’ll miss her and it’s all very emotional but he’s back literally the next chapter

-One of my favorite moments is Mido rightfully pointing out that Jenna isn’t a Kokiri and thus has no right to receive a fairy but everyone thinks he’s being super rude for actually having common sense. They barely gave LINK a fairy and he grew up there!

-I inflicted this on my friends and it went as well as you’d think it would. Quote supplied by Jen who is not THAT Jen but a far superior one

-Somewhere in the fic suddenly Link and Zelda’s eyes are capable of changing color based on mood, or maybe they could do this the whole time and my eyes were changing based on mood alright, they were glazing over and I missed it

-Jen always types “threw” instead of “through” and it’s just enough to throw me off every time. Also every time a character starts a new sentence she starts another set of quotations even if they were already talking and occasionally she misspells “huge” as “hugh” which leads to some hilarious circumstances

-THEY DRANK EACH OTHER’S PISS

-Apparently when you are telepathically bonded with your Husband/Wife you aren’t allowed to be in a room with someone of the opposite sex AT ALL. Personally I think that reeks of insecurity

-Also because a good pal loses her shit every time we mention it, Jen couldn’t come up with a marriage ceremony that wasn’t just a christian one for a universe where christianity doesn’t exist, but she sure likes to put world building into those DAMN GRIFFINS

All in All? My Inner Life is not for the weak willed. It is INCREDIBLY long and redundant and while it’s still pretty funny, it’s mostly plain terrible. I consider is a much better showcase of what bad fanfiction is actually like, and also since it’s of a more standard awful, it means people can’t badly parody it while missing the point as to why it’s funny. So at least there will only be one My Inner Life and no imitators.

Seriously, I hate My Immortal imitators. Write your own terrible fanfiction, damn you! If I had a shot for every time a fanfic was compared to My Immortal I would be dead six years ago. Getting compared to MI is not a good thing, but not for the reasons you’d think. At least My Inner Life only shares the basic premise of a self insert character and the rest is a ride of complete bullshit that’s par the course for terrible Mary Sue fiction. Everyone loves Jenna for no reason and those who voice the valid concerns against her are seen as unreasonable and stupid. Characters are bent backwards to serve the threadbare plot and apparently Jenna’s love life alone is enough to constitute half of the story before we just plain forget it’s a Legend of Zelda fanfic and it goes off into some generic high fantasy horse crap with dragons and Griffins and some evil guy like what even is his name and it all ends without any real closure.

However if you are strong enough or maybe just a masochist (me) I highly recommend this fic for just being a test of endurance and also for all the funny little moments sprinkled throughout. It’ll certainly be a waste of time and it’s a good thing to read with friends. While it’s an oldie, it’s a goodie, and no one comes out unscathed.

Also the author apparently is a good sport about it now, although who knows. It’s just a thing I heard. While I like making fun of Jen throughout reading the fic, she doesn’t seem awful. Just perhaps young and unaware.

Truly, the real treasure was the piss we drank along the way. I’m sorry I will never be over that

#don't tell me tell #long post #REALLY LONG ASS POST #i couldn't sleep so i made this essay instead #i accept my fate as the bad fanfic expert #i might regret this later #but for now i need rest

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