abyssbirds · 1 year ago
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hi i saw your tags idk if you meant you wanted a stranger to help but i just want to say like
nonverbal and semiverbal are permanent states. there is no temporary. you cannot "go nonverbal" because people who are nonverbal are nonverbal 24/7. potential terms to use for episodes of not being able to talk are speech loss or losing speech, however, there are other ways to phrase it without saying nonverbal or nonspeaking
likewise people who are semiverbal are semiverbal 24/7. semiverbal means speech is inefficient and difficult, always. some semiverbal people have a hard time articulating and take a long time to talk and may have imperfect grammar or articulate their point inefficiently/i sound like i don't know what i'm talking about. i sound like i'm lying. i stammer, stutter, start sentences i can't finish, can't find words, can't describe things, can't think. other people only communicate, always, permanently, in short sentences or with only a few words. other people make sounds (which is still considered semiverbal i think but may actually be nonverbal i am not sure). other people only communicate via echolalia (for instance, only responding with quotes from a special interest). other people... basically don't use a lot of words, especially filler words
i have episodes of entire speech loss as a semiverbal person. this doesn't make me nonverbal. i am still semiverbal. and i also have episodes where speaking becomes even harder, and this isn't like a special occurrence that needs a word because it's just part of me being semiverbal. sometimes it just gets even harder to talk or i lose the ability, online, to mask, because i can mask online but not offline. it's easier for me to talk online because i have more time to think and also mostly the ability to edit
i hope any of this is helpful but mostly i just wanted to say nonverbal is a permanent state of being and is never temporary. nothing about being nonverbal is temporary
Thank you for taking the time to educate me, Anon! :)
I'm very new to autistic discourse + don't know the ins and outs of it + appreciate the effort you put into this ask to help educate me. I read a couple posts that also explained to me why nonverbal is bad to use for people who aren't always unable to speak or communicate verbally. I really appreciate the distinction.
I don't think I have a good word to use for what my brain does when it doesn't work, because I don't want to steal terms or claim something I don't need to claim. But I at least know not to use nonverbal and semiverbal when I mean unable to speak (and now my moots/followers can know this too)
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its-freaking-jordan · 1 year ago
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Hihi!! First off all I hope you are having an excellent day / afternoon / night! May I request some headcanons of the hashiras seeing reader (who's also a hashira) as an older sibling figure (Gender Neutral if possible!)?? If it's possible all of them, if not that's alright! Please and thank you! ^^
-🌸✨
Hi! I can do this request no problem and thank you!!!
Hashira seeing you as their older sibling figure
Tokito Muichiro
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First off, your 17.
He would be by your side 24/7, not giving you any type or space.
You are overprotective of him, because he’s 14 and a hashira at that.
You remind him of his twin brother a little, which he told you about one day.
Once he told you about his twin, it did make you sad, and you promised Mui that you will make sure nothing happens to him.
You take him out at night to just look at the stars and talk, or just sit in silence. Which neither of you mind.
He will try his absolute best to not forget you, but sometimes he does and say “Who are you..why are you following me?.” You just watched him in a shock but then remembered Shinbou said he has a bad memory. You’re very patient with him.
Once you both were making paper planes in your Estate he forgot what he was even doing and just walked out. It did make you confused but you laughed it off when he came back and remembered why he was even there.
He holds on to your uniform whenever he can, so he wont be “lost” but in reality he just wants to be close to you <3
Sanemi Shinazugawa + Genya
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You’re 28.
He tends to be more comfortable around you, (besides Obanai.) He feels as if he can talk with you about deep things.
He interrupted the Master once at a important meeting, you glared daggers at him. You scolded him in front of everyone, he just stared at you, while the others were giggling.
He didn’t intend on bringing up Genya al all.
You found out about Genya regardless, you saw him with Sanemi, but Sanemi was yelling at him.
He slapped Genya, well almost did, but you somehow managed to stop him right before he could.
You demanded explanations from him, he wouldn’t tell you, but end up doing so because you kept nagging him.
You scolded the HELL out of him and, demanding he apologize to his younger brother.
He flipped you off, basically saying no and went on with his day. Thats when you ignored him.
You found Genya again but in the forest, and decided to talk with him as well. He was the opposite of his older brother.
He did end up apologizing to you and Genya. Now you three are a little happy family <3
Mitsuri Kanroji
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You are 20
Please help her with her hair once in a while, she loves when you do her hair and style it.
She adores you 24/7. Literally every little thing you do, she gives a compliment.
Often ask if you would want to make food with her, and ofc you wouldn’t say no to her.
You both often go out shopping together, to buy gifts for the other Hashira’s.
She would tell you about her love life with a certain hashira.
You support her 100% and help her with anything she needs.
Once she came crying because she “thought” she messed up on Obanai’s gift.
“Y/Nnn! Please help me! Pleaseeee! I gave Iguro-san the gift I picked out and he just nodded and walked away!!! I think I did something!!!”
You just stared at her while she was clinging onto you sleeves as she was crying. You just smiled and hugged her, telling her she didn’t mess up anything and, maybe that Obanai was just shy to say anything and, that she shouldn’t be harsh on herself.
She suddenly looked at you, crying more and just tackled you to the ground hugging you tight. “Wahh! Thank youu! I dont know what I would do without you Y/N!!”
Obani Iguro
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Your 22.
He would often watch over you as if he’s the “older sibling” Which you don’t mind at all.
He would do small talks with you before any Hashira meetings. He mostly tell you how he feels about the Love Hashira.
You support them 100%!
He would often ask you for advice because he doesn’t know what to say sometimes, which you gladly help him out with.
He did show you his scar before, but he never meant for that to happen. He is ashamed of it, but you told him that it was a beautiful scar, which he didn’t believe at first, until you had to show him how beautiful he was without his bandages.
He takes pride in it now, but still decides to keep the bandage on.
He came back with a gift Mitsuri gave him, being the nosy one that you are. You started teasing him about, which caused him to slap you.
“Are you actually older than me? You act like a child for your age Y/N.” He gave you a side eye when he heard you whine from the slap.
He ends up putting ice on your face, as a apology, which you accept fully, dragging him into a hug, he hesitated for a moment before he gave in.
Giyuu Tomoika
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You’re 23
He feels more comfortable around you than anyone, minus Sabito and and his sister.
He’s still introverted but makes any effort around you.
He would often ask if you would like to accompany him during his missions, which you accept.
He would smile when you’re around him, but you cant see it.
You would try to make him not be introverted as much, which was a complete fail. You honestly didn’t mine trying though.
Whenever his haori ripped, you’re very quick to fix it up. He would try to tell you, he can do it but you didn’t listen.
“Y/N please, I can fix it myself..You don’t have to keep doing things for me.”
You told him, thats you we’re alright with helping him with almost anything, even if its small things. He simply signed knowing you wouldn’t budge, he just placed a hand on your shoulder with a genuine smile, which melted your heart.
“Fine, but let me at least take you out, as a Thank you.”
Gyomei Himejima
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You’re both the same age, but you’re only older by a few months.
Jeez, you are WAY shorter than him, he ends up thinking he’s the oldest sibling just by your height comparison.
You would often meditate with him whenever you get the chance.
You both would go out just to walk and talk. That’s his favorite thing to do with you.
He has a cat, and once shows you his pet cat.
You both would always talk about your days,whenever you’re done with missions.
You’d often ask about his beads, which he would happily talk to you about.
“Y/N can you please put my weapon down..It’s not something to be toyed around with.”
You kept examining his weapon, asking how does he fight with it. You were just amazed by it. He was kinda stunned from you asking questions about his weapon and how he fights with it.
He took his weapon back, which caused you to stop smiling. He then sat you down by him and started to explain his fighting skills to you.
Shinbou Kocho
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You’re 20.
You often hear her teasing Giyuu, which always make you laugh.
You then apologize for her teasing at the end.
You know about what happened to her eldest sister Kanae.
She would often do checkups on you everyday to make sure you’re not getting a cold.
You helped her around the Butterfly mansion a lot than needed which she’s very thankful for.
Which caused you to be her “sibling” now.
Whenever your both alone you would ask her, how is she doing. Which she replies:
“I’m quite alright Y/N. I appreciate you asking me.”
Which was bullshit in your eyes. You end up having that same talk with her, that she had with Tanjiro.
She honestly thought you didn’t know about her sister at all. Which caused her to stop “smiling”.
“I see…So I’m assuming you knew her then?”
You end up explaining how you promised Kanae that you would watch of her and Kanao both. Which caused Shinbou to actually smile.
You hugged her out of nowhere, not really sure of what to do about the silence in the room.
“Thank you..Y/N.”
Uzui Tengen
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You’re a few months older than him.
This man had a-lot of energy, which drains you every time.
He always tease you and call you “Un-flashy”
Often mocks the smallest things you do, which ends up you hitting him on his head.
He introduced you to his wives, which caught you off guard, when he said that he has 3.
Expect dinner parties almost every week at his place.
He made you a headband like his.
“Ah! My dearest sibling Y/N! I made you thee most flamboyant gift you’ll ever receive! No need to thank me, it’s just something I thought of.”
He gave you a headpiece just like his but your stones had a heart on it.
You wore it almost everyday, somewhat matching with Uzui.
You both were close than ever.
Rengoku Kyojuro
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You’re 21.
Expect to be woken up very early, by his crow.
Everyday he would compliment you once he gets the chance.
You help him with Senjuro, that he is thankful for.
You would make bentos before he leave for his missions and, he swore he will owe you back.
He never lets go of a promise, he always have a gift for you and his brother once he’s back from missions.
You him and Senjuro would all make sweet potatoes together, even if Kyojuro can barely cook.
One time he wanted to surprise both you and Senjuro, so he woke up very early than usual. He made your favorite food along with Senjuro’s.
A few minutes later you woke up to find Senjuro shaking you to wake up. You both made your way to the kitchen only to find it a complete mess.
Rengoku was done with the food he prepared, with the ingredients on him and on the counters. He had the biggest smile on his face when he served the food to you both.
“I made you both a treat! As a thank you for everything you’ve done for me. Even if it’s not the best, it’s the thought that counts, right?”
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eighties-goth-suicide-note · 2 months ago
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writing this shit so you wont leave me ( go to sleep ) - kitten - house cat - stray cat - big cat - wildcat - purring - sunbathing - hissing - biting - hunting - scratching - meowing - pouncing - claws - whiskers - collar - catnip - pawprints - night vision thats all from me for now I EXPECT AN ANSWER TO EVERY QUESTION!!!! ;333
i love you my bpd prince <33
kitten 🤍 who was your first darling?
you, silly, and you always will be 🫀
house cat 🤍 what kind of attention do you want from your darling?
k…kidnap…glass cage… SORRY IT WAS THE DEMONS AGAIN i loooove when you lay on me and i can brush your prettty hair and and when you stalk me i giggle and blush like a school girl :333 you could put knife to my neck and i would just ask you if we are gonna kiss!!
stray cat 🤍 how do you feel when your darling interacts with others?
it makes me want to kill myself and choke you to death!!! only i should matter to you!! am i not perfect for you!! interacting with others wont happen EVER because i will kill everyone who ever will try to look at you lalalalalala ^___^
big cat 🤍 do you want to control your darling?
…i know your location 24/7 and have access to your phone…it speaks for itself…
wildcat 🤍 what are some fantasies you have about your darling?
you kidnapping me and locking me in the basement after silly me decided to be upset without a reason so i will learn my lesson!! i would only see you and you would take care of me!!! and i wouldnt be allowwd to go outside because people there could stare at me and im just only YOUR doll!! ^-^ or or me choking you until you almost faint!! biting scratching you,, your body is truly the most delicious meal EVER!! i will literally rip you apart and feast on you like a wild beast i deserve it, i want to see you begging and my hands dirty with your blood,, and then i would take care of you because you are such a good boy and make me happy everyday!! i would clean your wounds, kiss them and make your favorite dish!! sorry i went a little bit insane with this sowwy :3
purring 🤍 what are your top love languages?
quality time…and you made me like physicsl touch..i demand back rubs and headpats NOW.
sunbathing 🤍 what would be your ideal hangout or date with your darling?
i only need to see your face to have idea date.
hissing 🤍 are you jealous?
^___^lalalalalala guess !!!!
biting 🤍 does your obsession makes you violent?
….sometimes…but i control myself when it comes
to you…BUT YOU ARE SOOOO ADORABLE I WANT TO EAT YOU ALIVEEEE
hunting 🤍 do you get to find new darling?
NO. i want to get old with you!!
scratching 🤍 how do you cope with toxic urges you have related to your darling?
…i dissociate…
meowing 🤍 how do you express your love?
WITH EVERYTHING!! i would buy whole world for you!! write so many letters that my hands fall off!! kiss you so much my lips start to rot!!
pouncing 🤍 do you stalk your darling? if yes, how?
🤫
claws 🤍 how do you react to any obstacles between you and your darling? what if they cheated?
i destroy every obstacle that comes to our way!! my mom few months wasnt allowinh to sleepovers?? and now?? my friend didnt likr my bf?? i cut them off without a hesitation ^__^ anf if you ever cheat on me i will break wvery bone in your body!! just the thought of it makes me sick!! i wpuld chole you so bad my fists will pierce your flesh and i will watch you bleed out with a smile!!!! i will make sure it will be slow and paintf!! no one will love you like me!! you will die lnowing you hurt only person who only cared about you and loved you so deeply!!
whiskers 🤍 how close are you with your darling?
we are basically tied tigether :3
collar 🤍 whats the worst thing you could do for your darling?
i dont know.. .. i can cut off everyone.. or hurtmyself if it would made him happy
catnip 🤍 what are your favorite things about your darling?
EVERYTHING I LOVE ALL HIS GOOD AND BAD SIDES I LOVE ALL OF THEM
pawprints 🤍 what are your favorite memories with your darling?
our first date… >w<
night vision 🤍 do you have dreams about your darling?
YES!! they are my favorite ones..especially the ones where we live together..have small cottage..we have cat opposum..dog..2 rats and we go on forest walks everydY…i read books while you sleep on my lap on autumn evevning..i love you so much..
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afuckingsystemsthoughts · 8 months ago
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we've seen a lot of people with DID and OSDD hate being a system. most of us dont hate it per se, its more of the bad parts we hate. i, host, suffer much more mental pain from other disorders we have, not just DID- thats probably the smallest part. for us, our biggest cause of mental pain is bpd and denial of trauma/our posttraumatic disorders- so what were about to say will probably sound biased.
also a note, i only suffer the really dramatic drastic disorienting dissociation everyone with DID online complains about (and claims they have 24/7) only half the time or less. most of the dissociation i experience as host is dissociative amnesia, theres not a day i dont experience that but its usually of the past ill never remember or milder forms like "oh i did that? hm dont remember" "oh they said that? i only remember the interesting parts of the conversation and i cant even remember it verbatim", or emotional/mental detachment and emotional numbing (especially if my mood is too unstable), and staring off forgetting what to do or not knowing how to do it and having to mentally yell at myself
now, for the parts of having DID id absolutely get rid of right now and never want back.
i hate when im trying to do something, i wanna do it alone, i wanna have privacy, wtv. and boom, an alter suddenly appears out of nowhere invading the front. i dont wanna be rude to them because theyre a part of me and more than likely a trauma holder or protector i wouldnt be here without, but i want to have some privacy in my own head. have some things just to me. i am annoyed, i know they feel that. and for that, i feel guilt. for being annoyed by the presence of someone else inside my head, and the guilt gets even worse if its a little, understandably, or a trauma holder whos been through enough rejection already, or a protector who i wouldnt be alive without. i have to show common courtesy to a large group of selves inside my own brain, every second im awake. and that gets tiring. no wonder im always so mentally drained.
having to work around what alters want. this often goes hand in hand with them randomly intruding the front. ill be in the clothing aisle, just to get a simple grey shirt- and an alter will come out when they see a shirt they like. if i refuse to get it, they might feel hurt, and ill feel guilty. and if i look through a whole clothing aisle, more than one part will come out and make me feel drawn to the different clothing they like (sometimes a few alters making me feel drawn to a few different clothing styles at once) i get a headache from that and dont like how i feel pulled into many different directions by my own brain. (id experience that before i even knew what plurality was or really knew my alters or even remotely felt plural and it caused me a lot of mental pain and headaches)
feeling like a stranger to myself now because i realize how much i was a stranger to myself, i didnt even know i was abused, and i didnt even know a lot of things i did. and feeling guilt for not knowing i was a stranger to myself for most of my life. i should have known but i didnt. i was too dumb to pick up on the clues that someone inside me ran away with my body and my life. theres even small things i didnt know about myself i discovered years later. example, i didnt know i asked for a get-well card for a doll when i pretended it was sick until i discovered it about 8-10 years later. and theres big things i never knew. some of these things were people. when i was little, i was around people i should remember, i was around them enough. but when i see them again in 2019, i think its the first time even stepping foot in the place, and seeing the people. i only knew that i knew them when i was little because i was told that in 2019. i also dont remember an entire year, minus a small snapshot memory. i cant be sure if the memories i think i have of it are real. which leads me to the other part about DID i hate and if i could get rid of only one part of it, this would be it.
the dissociative amnesia (mostly of trauma) and its effects. i dont remember majority of my early childhood, and i only remember about half of my mid childhood, maybe a tad more than half. the memories i have, its like im watching an eerie, dark tinted movie of myself. i dont remember being abused in any of the memories before around 8, and very few are of me being unhappy. i think to myself, "if i was abused, id have memories of it or be unhappy." i didnt feel anything. i just... existed. no feelings, maybe an artificial happiness, but no feelings outside of that. its like i was a robot in control of my own actions. i tell myself i dont have trauma and im just holding onto the "impossible possibility" i was abused as a small child as an excuse for being this way "because i cant accept i was born broken, i dont have an excuse to be this way." then, someone comes along who explains to me what i did in the memories when i was little and throughout my entire childhood was a sign of abuse, and i feel valid and confident about myself because im reassured im not born broken scum, but then i realize that means someone violated my body and ill never know who did first, how old i was, where it first happened. and ill never know what all my body has been used for either. then ill feel disgusted with my body and want to escape it or self harm. and i live with a person who flip flops between being emotionally abusive/manipulative and being nice and shes used my dissociative amnesia against me before, used it to say things didnt happen and the memories were planted, and to say i did things i didnt do. other people used my dissociative amnesia against me before too. but the most painful part for me, is im stuck in a vicious, mentally draining cycle- feeling like my trauma isnt real and hating myself because i feel like i was born broken, just wanting to know i was abused, then i find out and i feel uncomfortable in my body, i cry, i feel alone because the only people id allow myself to seek comfort from arent around, and sometimes self harm.
for me, im fine with being a system. i wouldnt trade most of my alters or the memories weve made together since i found out i had a system and met them. they taught me what family really is. they taught me what community means. its the parts that make it disordered id gladly get rid of. sure, we want our own bodies, id like them to have their own bodies too, but im fine with them just being in my head when theyre not intrusive.
DID isnt fun, but it isnt always living hell 24/7. not for every DID system. not for us. but its still not "friends in your head" and even when you are friends with some of your alters they can still intrude on you when you want to be alone and you'll still have the distress from having DID. its not always fun but its not always hell.
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unablethethird · 3 months ago
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60. how are you?
3- yeah but I think it's more of the thought of them than their actual self 4-Going to university and studying psychology 5-my frens/moots 6-My bad memory is both a blessing and a curse, but with the power of forgetting comes the guilt of not remembering
7-genuinely think it was the worst year of my life lol, i can't imagine going through that again 8-Yeah, i cry easily in general lol 9-Does my sister count 10-Very, mostly because my base facial expression is :| so unless im trying hard to mask, or you know me well, you will not know lol 11- Nope, i forgot to put it on but im wearing my headphones 12-To wake up as a random cis boy 13- a little scared/paranoid, but distracting myself with tumblr
15- No self awareness, bad memory, smart dumbass, irresponsible, cringe, sincere, accomadating, i will yap for 100 years or not at all, no inbetween 16-I mean, hasn't everyone 17-They suck to have but they exist and i think its normal to have one thing ur insecure about [as long as you don't obsess over it] 18-Kind of? Like if i could choose different options. But if i couldnt choose then HELL NO 19-nope 20-
21- 14, 27/11/2009 [dd/mm/yyyy] 23- my friends hating me, forgetting, never being okay 24-166cm
25-My friends, not even joking 26-again, my friends 27- feeling negative feelings, people being assholes for no reason, my memory 28-If you're my friend and your vibe isnt bad 29- The lorax 30-Hazbin/murder drones 31- A) The epidermis can't bleed, it has no blood vessels B) Hitler was high for most of WWII C) Theres proof that hitler might have been a closseted gay [and killed people to hide it] Bonus fact: snakes smell with their tongues 32) Used to be mainly guys but im at a single sex school so its girls now 33) To play anything cool, to say no 34) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 35) Sport 36) A) be a psychologist B) Be a good,happy human C) make my frens happy
37)idk much about acting but that beetlejuice guy is cool as heck 38) Im a basic bitch but john mullaney 39) I love playing all sports, but my favorite is either dodgeball or basketball [this does not mean im good at them though /silly] 40) me and my old family friends would phsycially fight for fun a lot, and so one day as our parents took us to the park, we went on a big hill and we started fighting eachother, and it was a 3 on 1 [well, yeah my sister was there but she didn't fight and all she did was run, so nobody went after her], and i still fucking won, the self esteem boost was crazy
41) *insert joke about me and fictional character* 42) Girl in pieces, i have never not cried when reading it 43) I cant choose 44) i dont talk to people so idk 45)
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49) The arcade, playing pump it up 50) that'd dox em and i dont have pics of my moots 51) Sag 52) im kinda good at reading intentions 53) 1-frens 2-music 3-Fanfiction 4-psychology 5-research 54) if i say it i'll get more anxious lol 55) moots=frens 56) Cheese 57)Foxes!!! Especially red or black ones 58) Their username starts with Z, their pfp shows their oc underwater, and they have a don :3 59) I needed to read a fancomic on undertale but i had to make an account
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chilei-the-hotsauce · 7 months ago
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ALL the artist ask game questions. ALL OF THEM-
omg yes hold up
1. uuh krita, fire alpaca (i used to use fire alpaca but not after getting csp)
2. left? i think? i can draw all directions (-ish) (it wont be good but i can)
3. none?? idk bro i have bad memory (or maybe i suppress them idk)
4. anything from canon media. like i love you boo but why. also clothes and poses
5. i post very little of my art actually lmao whoops. very busy lately but might start posting art again if i remember
6. my hyperfixation at the time. or well, me. also art tutorials i see on pinterest, though that's a bit more conscious i think
7. SCULPTING TRADITIONAL PAINTING GRAFFITI all so cool amazing wow
8. there's so many that i cant even remember jesus christ-
9. everything is keysmashes. i do not name my layers. i am satan
10. mm i actually like drawing shirts i think?
11. music. fun fact i listened to paranoia on loop for over a week. thats what brain rot does to a man
12. uuuh hhand
13. i really dont know. every thing is my thing. every creator is admirable in their own way. love everyone. commit crime
14. death? eldritch horrors? blood? rot and corruption? yeag the good shit
15. my room. at school also because im studying animation and game design
16. making. sprite sheets. for 2d game.
17. i usually have a tea nearby but i always forget it. i kinda drink it halfway when it's still warm, then forget about it and then when i go back for it it's cold so i just chug it all and go get a new one
18. uuh i'd say like? 10? im very gentle and loving with my stuff uwu
19. no. i do not. ok but maybe like. cloth idk.
20. hands. idk bro i drew them so much at one point out of spite i just kinda got good at it and now i just wing it and it looks good and doesnt require much thought. and if it requires thought it's in a funky position but then i just wrangle my own hands a little, inspect it, and then continue to draw
21. lineless, painting-esque, thick lines, realistic, sketchy... yeah good shit
22. nah man i just go straight for the laptop
23. uuh sometimes
24. im satan i dont use references often. but when i do? yeah i think
25. i havent been told so idk
26. i. dont really intend anything on purpose? so when someone interprets something wild i just kinda go "yeaah sure! idk either!"
27. Dno. straight for the art. might doodle thine truly if im not in a hurry
28. nah, but i'd like to! i've made art for two 2D games in the past year and now there's a 3D one in the making. im charged with making the 3D model for our main villain thing and boy is it pain
29. bold of you to assume anything doesnt inspire me artistically (he doesnt know)
30. thats a great question i have no idea 👍
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eric-the-bmo · 1 year ago
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eep I'm bad at thinking of questions, any fun facts about your characters??? ooh or actually I've just been discussing music, what kinda music do your characters listen to?
[this might be rambe-y im so sorry lmao]
oooh!!! yes i like this one, Music Time
John listens to folk punk and whatever genre Lore Huron and Hozier are. (also a bit of vocaloid, solely because of Shelby)
Theodore listen to like. Cool electronic music. Haven't determined the exact genre but its very Computer
Once again I don't know the genre but I think Leo doesn't quite have a favorite genre? Since his memories got blasted he's not quite sure anymore, but in my brain I associate him with Matt Maeson a lot since I was listening to his songs a bunch when creating him.
Annabelle's setting has a 1920s kind of vibe (at least the kingdom she lives in does), and so she enjoys that kind of old-timey jams!
Ven and John actually have like, really similar music tastes, sans the vocaloid bc it doesnt exist in Ven's universe. Folk Punk is Ven's guilty pleasure
I... I don't think Apollo listens to music. Like I dont think the City has any save for idk, Latin choirs or whatever.
....has Rhidian even heard music since he became a Nothic. bro does he know what that is /hj
Murmur listens to like. So much vocaloid/pop/electronic music. They love it sm they blast it near 24/7 into their earbuds
hmm Fun Facts (a mix of Character and Developmental):
Theodore admitted during the White House Heist (have I even told yall about that) that he's been thrown out of a window before
Theodore's got a roommate named Steve and like. He was only around for the first session and I miss him sm, that guy was great
Theo please stop skipping your fucking classes
Ven likes peppermint tea. Peppermint tea is also known to help with headaches, which he gets a lot!
Shelby was 22 when she met John (aka hit him with her car)
Shelby was also intended to be a self-insert when I first made her; she was the Mundane for MoTW, but then I got to wondering "what if she and John were friends" and the rest was history
She's also a twitch streamer solely bc i realized she needed a job and that was the funniest option to me
John's limbs are very long in proportion to the rest of his body! His arms are like, Super Long
Rhidian dislikes touch; not only because it's been a Very Long Time since anyone's touched him, but also because he wants the first person he touches to be his girlfriend- once she gets a physical body, of course (they are going to hold hands and kiss <3)
Annabelle is So Adamant in the fact she's not part of Warrick's family; she's his secretary, and not his daughter, thank you very much- but she always participates during Family Game Night
She also would like collecting vinyls :-)
Leo's heterochromia happened because I couldn't determine which eye color he should have, and so I gave him Both
His eyes have become my Favorite Thing about them, and there's like. So much symbolism in them dude. I'd ramble more but my fellow VtM players follow me here.
On the subject of Leo, he was originally created in 2020 as an entity that lived in TV static and would try to drag people in, as he was desperate for company- as you can see, he's changed A Lot from his original concept
Leo's original concept has since been recycled for a potential Rapture Heights monster that I've taken to calling Hijack.
Apollo and Leo both have a habit of holding their hands together when they miss their partner/exes- and it's actually a habit I myself have picked up.
John's whole NotDeer thing started because I had told a librarian about him, and admitted I didn't know what kind of monster he was yet- and she asked if he was a deer monster due to his last name. Thank you Ms Librarian u changed his entire trajectory thank u <3
Did you know there's a visual novel about a character also John Doe? He's eerily similar to mine in terms of visual, I think
Valentine was created after/ while I was reading the DIE comic series- the main character's scene in prison was the main inspiration for him.
Due to enchantment magic having the potential to be used for Awful Things, I explicitly made Valentine to be a sex-repulsed asexual, and intended for him to be aromantic as well.
Valetine killed Velma (yeah, from Scooby Doo) during his one-shot
Oh, and fun fact about me: in my dnd server, I'm the reason there's a rule stating that one-shot characters need to be able to breathe <3
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caidsjacks · 1 year ago
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I am so tired of everything right now
So incredibly burnt out and exhausted
Im worried and scared 24/7
I constantly feel like a burden to my people because i have no energy or motivation to even exist, call, or even text back. Or hell, go visit anyone.
I have a "boyfriend" who says he fucking loves me but is constantly negative, or either mildly supportive and helpful or not at all
Roommates who hate him because they're jealous that he gets to be my boyfriend and they dont get to have that kind of relationship with me so they take it out on me randomly
A father who would rather live states away ans never speal to his chukdren again
A mother who pawns everything off on me regardless of what i do or say, who despote her best intentions makes me feel like im not good enough or not trying hard enough
Brothers who dont ever reach out and talk to me if i don't reach out first
Cousins who dont even treat me like family when I'm around, who ignore me or treat me different because i /am/ different and not like them or have the same interests like themn or have a family of my own
A gaping whole in my heart where my daughter should be
A permanant slew of black spots in my memory from years of trauma that is now affecting my working every day memory
Doctors who dont ever call back so now i have no medicatio. Till probably next month
I am so fucking tired
I don't want to fucking do this shit anymore.
How do you take a mental health break from life when there isnt a fucking pause button or no actual way to make anything better that doesnt fully exhaust me even more.
How do you continue to keep going when every bone in your body is SCREAMING at you to just please stop, we need a fucking break from everything.
We need a god damn break from worrying about everything all of the time.
How do i pay for the things that need foxed on my car?
Hiw do i pay for the things that need fixed in my home?
How do i take care of myself when just getting out of bed for work every day is a STRUGGLE
How do i keep my friendships going when i hardly have the energy to hang out with anyone, call them, or even text them back?
How do i go see people when driving gives me the worst migraines and overstimulates me more often then it used too?
How do i get someone who will love me despite my fucking mess?
How do i continue to work evryday for the rest of my life in this hellscape when every day it feels more and more pointless to try and get ahead in any way shape or form?
I know this is just a bad day and i will be fine
But i am so tired
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acreaturecalledgreed · 1 year ago
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Hi its that one anon again, for the Multigender asks, I humbly request uh
4,5,6, 7,8, 19, 24, 28, 29
...is that too many numbers.?
hello nonny you are a-okay i just wanted to respond on my laptop b/c im gonna do a lot of writing now cracks every bone in my trash body lets do it
4) When did you first hear about being multigender?
my memory is very not great and i honestly do not recall any specifics, but id ballpark 2014ish was around the time i was realizing "oh i dont have to slide b/t genders, its okay to be more than one at once"
5) Are there any terms under the multigender umbrella that you identify with? (like bigender, trigender, genderfluid, omnigender, multiflux)
i genuinely like pangender and omnigender very much. again, greedy.
6) Do you identify with any umbrella terms that can encompass being multigender, like "trans" or "nonbinary"?
yes! i personally consider nonbinary to be trans, and i am both. i call myself a nonbinary trans man (which is true) when i want to give ppl a not complicated answer.
7) Are your genders more fluid or more static?
i suppose it'd be accurate to say my genders are static in that they dont really shift from one to another but i also do not like the description of "static", it makes me think of stagnancy, and my gender is not stagnant- it gets added to and expanded rather often, its edges extend and recede like a tide
its like. pointillism. i am a painting and every dot is a part of the image
8) Are your genders more separate or blended together?
waggles my hand both kinda, hard to explain, again its the "pointillism" thing
19) When in a situation forcing you into one gender, what do you do?
so i did answer this one before but ill rehash in a briefer way
on non queer spaces i just deal with it and feel bad but theres no point in pushing it b/c i find most people just dont get it or dont really try to and im Very Tired
in queer spaces people forcing me to be just one of my genders is genuinely heart wrenching and makes me feel deeply unwanted, because they only want this specific part of me and not just. me.
24) Do you do (or have you ever done) anything to express pride, privately or publicly, in your multigender identity?
not really, no. its not that i do not want to. i just have trust problems around people and i struggle to have faith that people will not be shit. and privately, i just dont feel a need to justify it to myself, yaknow? i casually incorporate my identity and queerness into all i touch and create, and i think that counts as pride.
28) Are you open/out about being multigender?
anyone who knows me even a little knows im a gender clusterfuck, and i have long since stopped bothering to pretend im any flavour of cis. if people get weird about it its my intent to challenge them then and there. if you wish to be transphobic you must look me in the eyes and know that i am a person and say it and see how brave you are then.
29) Are you open about some parts of your gender identity, but not others?
the more abstract parts of my gender i tend to really just talk about with other trans ppl but mostly just b/c it can be hard to explain to cis ppl "yeah one of my genders is like, a shark, but longer" whereas if i say the same thing in a trans heavy server ppl are like "oh god samesies"
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kdipshit · 2 years ago
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Running away
Look at me running away from it as soon as it makes me uncomfortable, yeah I did what I could in my brain and change my thoughts but I still chose to leave because it was getting hard. I left. I chose that, and now I am here, and now what? Now I have to process leaving, get told off probably, feel guilty, all because I chose not to do it. Thats my issue now, just doing it.
Okay lets look at the reason why I left okay, instead of telling myself off a little bit. First of all, I was feeling genuinely sick and onto of that I was already bothered and moving slow, now, I should have just told someone I was leaving, but I was sick and I felt like an empty pit in my stomach, I was in pain, my face went white and I felt faint and dizzy, and I didn’t even smoke, I was sober and sick dizzy and in pain. I didn’t have to energy for my activity I had promised to go to.
Anyways, so yes I do feel sick and tired and I’m aloud to feel sick and tired. tell me off all you want but I’m not going to let it effect me in any way negatively at all, instead it will effect me none, and I will take only the truth and grow from it. I just have to keep levelling up, and I feel like I’m trying to make my own steps, instead of progressing with the universe’s path chosen for me. My decisions determine which path I go down, yes, but by trying to make my own pathway out of thoughts is again, chasing dragons. Just walk the path you’re on, and if you can’t see it, then clean up a little bit more.
The power of choice. I’m here now, so whats the point continuing to feel guilty? I’ve processed it, and I’m happy with my outcome, I know some more why’s, and I’m getting a better understanding through current practice. The power of choice.
I would like to look at all the memories I forgot, like a library. Maybe I wouldn’t be so miserable and difficult if I could just see how much love I had in it, instead of all the bad. I really don’t like talking to people coz they really have no fucking idea. What am I talking to? It makes no sense to me, anything anyone says makes 0 sense. Zilch. I don’t understand nor can I comprehend their sentences. im not part of them, I’m seperate. They are the same, luckily. Being seperate from the human race is a difficult and sometimes grey world to live in. But If ye can find the colour, so can i. i dont like to hold conversations, no small talk bullshit, being quiet doesn’t mean I’m scared. Maybe I’m a little scared, but nothing I cant fix though. He sacredness that I have, I wonder where it comes from, I remember having panic attacks at 7 in primary school when this one kid would always throw a fit and become violent throwing desks and chairs and screaming swearing punching kids hitting kids, I was scared of him, but he was nice to me. I guess thats my earliest memory, I was so scared I didn’t move, but my body started shaking just real anxious. I guess that can be caused by my parents arguing around us as kids, sometimes it got real ugly and I did the same thing, shake. I used to think ‘what the hell is wrong with me’ as I tried my best to stop shaking, causing more panic when I find it impossible to stop. It doesn’t take long for me to become extremely overwhelmed once I hit this point, and at that point I can lose control.
Maybe I’m just so medicated that I don’t even realise when I’m in a depressive episode. Sobriety makes me anxious and angry, I just need weed to feel mellow, and not flip the fuck out for real. Thank you for pointing that out.
so this whole level up thing I’ve been wanting to do, like pretty much just be high maintenance, always look good 24/7, look good feel good right? Q is…. Should I get extentions? …. no
I think as long as I’m taking care of myself, and I’m writing, I can do anything. Thats really my base, thats all I need, self can and letting everything off. Im really excited to get my nails cute like Haiilsz beiber, yeah. I want pretty hands.
I really didn’t plan to be here for this many years. I mean like when I was 14/15/16 I wasn’t thinking about myself at 23 years old, which Is where Im at right now, 23 :) thats crazy, anywyas, I wasn’t planning on it. So now that I’m here I’m lost it seems, or like, still 19, still a teenager. But I’m a woman now. Everyone around me is older aswell.
I dont have much respect for peoples time, I don’t really take things as seriously as other people do. Or at least thats how I feel, I feel rude. But I shouldn’t, because I never set out my day to be rude, I set out my days in the best possible intentions I can bring myself to create for myself. And that is why things are always working out for me not matter how they look at any time.
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ravysu · 4 years ago
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Sannin headcanons and thoughts
The last thing I would like to post for the sannin week. It is still 24.04 here! :D @sannin-central
This is long. Spoiler alert. Mostly Orochimaru, some Tsunade, a little of Jiraiya (because his story is pretty clear and spoken and idk what I can add). Also I recommend to read this meta about Orochimaru, it has influenced me a lot and has some good points. Sorry for any posible grammar mistakes. Also I really should put here a lot of references to the manga or anime but it was something that was piling up for a year and I'm soooooooo lazy. After all, those are just headcanons. Also: Im not excusing Oro's bad stuff here, Im trying to understand the reasons.
Ive already posted some hcs, here, here and here.
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1. First if all, the chronology pic of sannin lifetime based on the info i found on naruto wiki and also some statements about wars from this post. It was tough considering what a mess naruto’s chronology is.
2. Sannin story shows what it cost to be a legend. They're like Team 7 but more realistic. Tsunade literally carried the war but left with nothing and developed a ptsd and have problems to just live on. Also anger control issues. I think she can be pretty bossy and stubborn which is not always nice. Jiraiya is the hero of the day but also very idealistic and can ignore some important details in the real word whether its the fight (he always injured during flashbacks maybe because each time he took too much to handle and on the one hand it's heroistic but on the other is a mistake that can lead your team to situations like in that Iwa cave) or your friends issues (I bet he saw what's going on but thought it's fine until Oro actually got red handed and left). He lives in his world and may have problems to get out to see it through someone else's shoes. As for Orochimaru, it seems like he was a normal guy for 20+ years (I mean, he didn't do crazy criminal shit and had something good in him and it was stated somewhere that it was his teammates influence. It is obvious they considered him as a friend, I don't thinks it was for nothing) but we mostly know his darkest side. Despite being a moster he is a human that have empathy and some ordinary human traits (man just decorates every bit of an environment he is in lol).
3. Tsunade was the leader of team Hiruzen.
4. Tsunade sometimes hit Jiraiya for some stupid things he did or said but never touches Orochimaru even if he did something same. Jiraiya complained about it once and almost got another hit.
5. Jiraiya had problematic parents that didn't care about him much and a lot of time he was wandering in the streets.
6. Judging by the look of Oro bangs and hair, he sometimes cut it off. A stress relief huh? And the fact that he doesn't do it now in Boruto..
7. It was shown that Tsunade and Orochimaru was acknowledged before they become a team. Maybe they did just before, or maybe some longer time before. I prefer the second option and hc that they met because both had no real friends - Orochimaru seemed weird and scary for everyone and Tsunade was Senju so everyone wanted to hang out with her but didn't really care. They weren't seen as what they were - people put the labels on them. But they didn't care about each other's labels and actually saw each other in true lights.
8. Tsunade knew it was an accident and it's not right but still she blamed Orochimaru for Nawaki's death for some time. It was something that seriously damaged their friendship and the team. Orochimaru was mad but also guilty, after all, he was responsible at least as a shinobi since Nawaki was under his watch. So he started to act cold and emotionless and was trying to distance himself from his teammates.
9. Jiraiya was in Ame while Dan died.
10. The whole his orphans mission was a bit irresponsible tbh. They already fought Hanzo and as he stated the conflict between Konoha and Ame is going to an end with Konoha's win. It's weird to stay here for three years in the middle of the war while there were other lands to fight. He left his teammates for some idea. Maybe that caused another crack in their team friendship.
11. If Tsunade would have find a way to live on with her trauma and follow the will of fire and stuff it would affect Orochimaru as well just as her grief affected him. It's like he would get an example that you can live on with this pain. So death isn't above human capability and we are not just the slaves of mortality (sounds stupid but i dont know how else to describe sorry). But as we know what he actually saw is that it broke her crucially to the point she couldnt be herself again. And so the death is above everything.
12. Oro wasn’t just acting as a cold pragmatic bitch in that cave but also tried to save Tsunade. Jiraiya knew it and that’s why he showed this sign to him like "I see what youre doing here" and that stunned Oro because he would prefer to look rather like a cold pragmatic bitch hehe
13. Just a thought. People in the village probably treated Oro as a foreigner or just wouldnt accept him because he looked so differently and had a weird attitude. That's why he sometimes didn't feel that Konoha is his home. After the wars where people were treated as means and tools, even the children, he himself developed this view on people - he dehumanized them and used as the means to his goals, just as his village did. Funny thing some people were straightly dehumanizing him too like Ibiki thought that he was a demon (tho he was a child). And he probably weren't the only one. Anyways the point is that it's logical that Orochimaru don't care about anybody but some few people, he's the product of his era. He's like Naruto that would chose the hatred way. But naruto had some good and understanding people around him and.. Orochimaru had them too, but match how Iruka treated Naruto and this Hiruzen's "I sAw tHe mAliCe in This cHiLd fRoM tHe BegGinNinG". And oro didn't even have a big ass evil fox in him. sry i hate hiruzen
ANYWAYS the moral of the story is not "go criminal if they hurt you" but always treat people like people. Waving my hand to Kant.
14. The reason why Orochimaru didn't pick some good morals to stick with through the hard times no matter what (like, idk, Jiraiya or Naruto) is because 1) I think he is/was pretty depending on people around him 2) the war fucked him and his friends up too much (Nawaki incident + Tsunade) 3) twisted addictions (though I don't think he's that sadistic, we never saw him torturing randoms just for fun, it was always some science experimental shit. He tends to get fun out of cruelty only when it's personal) that maybe developed as a way to sublimate anger and sadness caused by his parents loss (that's what they share with sasuke - unlicke naruto, they knew their parents and it's other kind of pain. Sasuke developed a revenge issue and Orochimaru - cruelty pleasure which... is kinda the same but less epic and more occasional lol).
15. Speaking of that, Orochimaru cared for Sasuke because he saw himself in him.
16. Oro hold grudges against Hiruzen for not choosing him to be Hokage not only because he was ambitious and/or egoistic, but also because Hiruzen was some kind of a father figure for him and his approval was important tho i doubt he was aware of that. He also probably could tell that Hiruzen was suspicios about him when he was a child and that led to many conflicts and was hurting as well.
17. Tsunade knew things weren't pretty with Orochimaru after the wars but she never expected them to be this bad. During the week that she was given in her arc she thought not only about how much she wants to see Nawaki and Dan again despite how wrong would it be but also was trying to bury all the good memories she had left of Orochimaru so it would be easier to kill him.
18. She poisoned Jiraiya exactly because she knew he would not let her do it. Jiraiya was always hesitant to kill and inclined to forgiveness, while Tsunade, as mentioned by Orochimaru, could be merciless (so much so that he was not surprised when Kabuto suggested that she wanted to use Jira for Edo Tensei).
19. That was one of her traits that scared Jiraiya and fascinated Orochimaru.
20. Remember how Oro grabbed Jiraiya's neck when the latter was trying to cover with hair jutsu? On the snake, in Tsnade's arc. Orochimaru could have easily kill Jiraiya by pulling the sword out of the mouth (arteries are right there) but he didn't. As well as he could kill Tsunade when she was still shaking - just aim for the neck or the heart. Instead, he just injured her lung and kicked her which is not a big deal for the kind of shinoby like her at all.. Also he helped Anko not accidentally kill herself but it would be way much profitable to let her do it. "Orochimaru has no feelings".
21. The reason he suddenly wanted to kill Tsunade instead of forcing her to heal his arms as it was planned (which is weird since it will not going to get him heals and he kinda said that he wouldn't want to kill her just minutes ago) is that not only she refused to help him (he thought he could work it out) but she also prefered the village over him (from his point of view). Out if everyone she was the closest to being able to understand him since the village caused her painful losses too but nevertheless she agreed to be on it's side.
22. He wasn't fighting her back in the end partly because he thought he deserved that. Somewhere deep inside hahah.
23. Tsunade got a fear to develop deep bonds so they probably weren't very close with Shizune (also the way she knocked her down in this hotel.. oh).
24. Orochimaru will be here when she'll die.
25. Orochimaru's eng dub to Tsunade: "I often wondered what it would be like to ring that pretty neck yours". No comments.
26. Orochimaru is either bi/pan or ace. Anything or nothing lmao
27. Hiruzen knew about at least some of the Oro’s illegal experiments and was okay just as he was okay with the Foundation all the time. Because it’s useful. Then he has discovered he went too far OR he knew everything and oro just became too inconvenient because of his methods. The way Orochimaru tells Sasuke about reasons they are well treated as the criminals is based on in his experience with Hiruzen.
28. As you may know the lyrics in Orochimaru’s music theme goes “don’t talk with the silence of the heart”. It was taken from one Indian song that also had lines like “don’t question life too much”, ”pain arose somewhere in the chest”, “don’t speak to the wounds of the heart”. Though I’m not sure 100% because I was translating it with some hindi dictionary with like zero knowledge of hindi
29. I like to think that this “silence of the heart” theme and the fact that he called his village a hidden sound village are somehow connected. The hidden sound is the possible explanation of all things waiting to be listened to but the truth is silent and you know it deep in your heart and it bothers you. The world is silent just like the life is meaningless but people can only hear. *Sigh* anyways
30. Orochimaru’s journey is the one about accepting death. When he saw Karin released her chains while was trying to get to Sasuke he understood that the death is a part of human’s strength.
Can’t wait to feel that everything I wrote is wrong or not enough or stupid and obvious lol. Anyways, it’s something that I wanted to share until I move to some other fandom.
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jennilah · 3 years ago
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every New Year's Time I like to take a moment to dive back into my diary and reflect on the last 12 months of my life.
You know, Im always worried someone will take this as... gloating or being self centered or something. I just... well, I guess to convince myself that its fine, I've just always loved blogging about my life and goings-on, good and bad. A few years back something happened that made me scared to talk about my life like I used to, and Im still trying to relearn that its ok to be self indulgent on my personal accounts.
And during these year roundups, I like taking the opportunity to expand more on things I kept quiet about, reflect on the big changes, or simply find the good moments in an otherwise rough year. I don't want anyone to compare their life to mine. This is just for fun.
I like reading about whats happening in the people Im following's lives too! I think its nice to stay in the loop like that...
That said... here's my 2021 Year In Review, if you're into that kind of thing
Ill start off by saying at the start of 2021, I was only a month into my new job. I was animating on WandaVision, and I was working entirely from home. It was nice getting some near-immediate gratification seeing our hard work on the screen only a month or so later. (LOOKING AT YOU, TOP GUN MAVERICK, WHICH I WORKED ON 2 YEARS AGO AND IS STILL YET TO COME OUT)
According to my diary early in the year I was still looking for therapists, so I wasn't doing too hot in the mental health department. I have since given up on that search because it was just too expensive, but also I think I am doing a little better now.
I will say, this year was the first year I can think of since.... god, ever? where I haven't had a hyper interest. Meaning, there's things I love dearly, but there's nothing occupying my mind 24/7. Nothing I want to make fanart of until my hands fall off. Nothing I want to read fanfictions of. (I am actually autistic, remember. This is probably the symptom that affects me the most and its been there my whole life. So when I say hyper interest, or special interest, I am not being dramatic. I am using it in the actual autistic spectrum definition) The absence of a current special interest for so long is a little debilitating. I realized, if I'm not daydreaming about something, my mind starts assaulting me with every thing that bothers me in the back of my mind. Especially since my last two special interests "ended" in bad terms. Both SPN and DBH I slowly faded from because of the discourse and hatred being spread among fandom members, my happy memories of both get shoved aside by the discourses and bullying ive seen and things ive read swirling in my head over and over and over and over and over on a repeat I cant stop thinking about it. I dont even know how to phrase it in a way that doesnt sound ridiculous. Trust me, its more frustrating for me than it is cringy for you. Every day, especially when trying to sleep. It's hell, and its one of the things I wanted therapy to help me handle. I'm still struggling with it. I try combating it by literally daydreaming of counting sheep like Im a child.
(so yes ive been a little desperate for my brain to latch onto something new with no drama but it hasnt yet. this is not something i can consciously do.)
But... in these fandomless times I am taking the opportunity to play new games, try to watch new shows, and actually READ SOME BOOKS. With no fanfiction to read before bed, I can actually... read a book. So I read some books. Specifically, The Locked Tomb trilogy (which apparently is gonna have 4 books now? Cool)
I've been enjoying those a lot! Cant wait for the next book. :)
I got to guest-lecture for an online class at my old college, SVA. That was super fun and I hope to do it again sometime! I love guest lecturing! The students don't need you to teach them technical things, they mostly just want advice, to hear your "story", and ask questions about what the industry is like. It's super fun! Always happy to supply that advice and information for any animation student who asks, online or offline.
I attended a zoom wedding, which was wild, but hey, I'm happy for that friend.
I started really getting into plants. My collection expanded quite a bit, and I have been having a lot of fun with that hobby. With no hyperinterest, my brain filled with plants. (I'm pretty sure Im not even joking there.)
Around springtime, I had my first review with my boss and supervisor about my performance. I'd say this was a small turning point. I am a Key Artist at my job, which is the highest rank before becoming a Lead, and I was nervous that I was underperforming because I still felt like a low Mid artist. Thats when they told me I was doing excellently, and I am one of the most reliable animators on the team. If they had any advice for me, it was that I worry and stress too much. (Ha. Yeah....... if that wasn't clear so far)
Anyway... that was an eye opener. Like hey, maybe I'm good at this thing after all.
Yeah. Wanted to keep that ball rolling, though. Hearing something like that only makes me want to work harder. At this time, I was also working on possibly the most fun project I got to animate on in my career so far- it was just SO up my alley and my supervisor really let me run free with my ideas. You'll see later 2022. (Unless it gets pushed)
Oh... got to this part in my diary. Well, this year I was hit with another big low. I lost my beloved pet cat Tiger, who was part of my life since I was 8 years old. Luckily, she lived a long happy life, and she passed peacefully. I was worried I would be wracked by nightmares about it for weeks like when I lost my dog a few years prior, but I think that was because his death was so sudden and so disturbing. I miss them both so much. I still cried so much, and still cry when I think about it too much. (See earlier about my brain attacking me lately. This is one of those things I get mentally assaulted with when trying to sleep) But... I'm ok. I handed it well, I think.
I played Horizon Zero Dawn, loved it. I watched the Fast and Furious franchise with some friends over discord, loved it.
Also, I will say, there was non-stop construction in my apartment building for like... over a year by that point. It was so loud, I had construction grade ear muffs just so I could focus on work or try to take naps. The noise was also incredibly debilitating to my mental state every day, along with my anxieties and covid shit and everything.
Late spring, my studio got together at a park to see each other in person for the first time. That was so nice, I was emotional about it. Clearly I was not having a good time the whole year until then, what with the noise and my anxiety and all. But I had 1 vaccine in my arm by that point, and seeing everyone was so lovely, I remember feeling really good that day.
Well... aside from the part where I almost blacked out.
I rode my kick scooter to the park and when I arrived, my vision got really blurry and I got really dizzy. I still don't know exactly what happened that day, but I was terrified. I thought I was going to ruin the picnic by having to be hospitalized. (yes, literally standing there silently with the group, unable to see, not saying anything, hoping I didnt pass out in front of everyone and ruin the fun)
I don't know what that was about, but it was a wake up call that I think I need to exercise more. I think my body was so used to being sedentary from being locked up in my apartment for a year, that small day of exertion nearly took me the fuck out.
Come June, my year really started turning around.
My application to be a tenant in a new apartment complex was approved! GOODBYE to my shitty old apartment with the cockroaches and construction noise and managers who don't care and water cuts and electric outages and fire alarms and everything.
My overall shittyass mood for a long time started improving with that moment.
I still had to deal with the old building for a few more months, but the new apartment on the horizon kept me goin'.
I also decided to start buying new clothes, better clothes that actually make me feel cute and confident. I love them! Too bad they are really only summer clothes though, so most of them are sitting in the closet until its appropriate to wear them again... but baby steps!
Then I got my second vaccine dose, and coupled with overall very good covid numbers in Montreal, I got to do some things again! I got to go to the movies again, my favorite thing! I got to see some friends again!
And then, I got to work in the office again! I got to talk to people again! I got to separate home from work again! (And I got to get away from the deafening construction noises at home again!)
I was feeling so much better!!!!
Then after some time of blissfulness, working diligently on Joe Pickett (check it out! its out now on Spectrum, and I think its coming out on Paramount+ soon? I think?) my boss called me up. I was a little worried, like oh no maybe I did something wrong- but nope! He offered me a very rare permanent position! (Instead of contract-to-contract, which is the story for most people in the industry here) Very exciting, and felt very nice being valued like that. Also very nice not having to worry about my work permit for as long as I want! (A big stress living abroad)
September and October was MOVING TIME GALORE. I took off time from work to move, and it was a lot of fun. Tiring, but fun. (Especially since because the two buildings were so close, I spent most of the time wheeling my belongings over back and forth in suitcases)
My friends also came over to help me paint, and my parents came up and helped me with the finishing touches. This was the first time I saw my parents since the pandemic started, because the borders finally reopened and everyone was vaccinated, so that was very emotional and very fun. (I am very close with them, and I missed them very much)
The new apartment has been so amazing its actually impressive. I realize now just how much I was settling for SHIT before. The place is so lovely, working from home here isnt even that bad. (I'll get to that in a minute)
Watched some more good shows and good movies. I started my trek into the world of slasher films for the first time, and that has been fun. I caught up on the Scream franchise with the same friends I watched the Fast and Furious franchise with. I loved the movies, but it was made even more fun by watching them with good friends.
Small dip in my mood when my pet fish, Pancakes passed away. It appeared to be from old age and the complications that come with it. She was "just" a fish, but god dammit, I loved my little fish. RIP, tiny friend.
Work was trucking along nicely. Working at the studio and bolstering in-person relationships was going excellently. I quickly made friends with my coworkers, getting to chat with them at lunch and friday afternoons and everything. They are a great group of people, 10/10 goofballs.
I talked to my boss about my progress again, now with nearly a year at the studio under my belt. It went even better than before. He restated that I am still one of the most reliable animators on the team, and he could see me being a Lead in the future and would begin my training the moment I say I want to do it. (I said I am flattered but extremely not ready yet) He also used that opportunity to say that I can come to him if theres any studio issues or changes I want to suggest, because thats how much of a grip I have on the studio, basically. They want to keep me happy as best they can and will try to help in any way.
...interesting...
Haven't really flexed that power yet, but it's there.
Come December, things started getting fishy again.
Things were happy, my brain isn't being attacked quite as much now with some of my daytime anxieties quelled, but... well, as you all must know by now, things started shutting down again.
My christmas trip home was cancelled for a myriad of reasons. I went from graciously knowing only two or three people with Covid over the last two years to now nearly ten at once. Theaters are closed again, bars, clubs, etc, and we are mandated to work from home again...
If I wasn't clear before, I prefer working from a studio. I was crushed. I cried, packing my desk things to work from home for another indeterminate amount of time. To not see my work friends again for another indeterminate amount of time.
The bright side is that working from home made the wintertime a little easier to bear last year, not having to walk in the slush and ice and all, so it should make things easier again this year. And my new apartment is much nicer to sit in all day... but oh well.
And... here we are. Mood has taken a solid hit. But.. trying to look up. Trying to stay hopeful for some nice things next year. Gonna try to reschedule that trip home for when it is warmer and the case count is low again... maybe I can see Top Gun with my family, or that other movie I mentioned. That would be nice.
Yesterday I bought a VR system... very excited about that. Always loved VR and wanted to have a system myself, and finally bought one. I'm excited to finally try out some games I've been wanting to play for a long time.
As for new years resolutions.. I definitely want to try to keep my head up. Continue to find the good in the bad. Also try to exercise more. (Not like serious gym-hitting or anything, but just try some baby steps... hopefully work my way up....)
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vrnicky · 3 years ago
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Lets go with some...
Deal breakers and things they admire from someone!!
In a romantic way and also in general! Man, this is going to be long- REALLY LONG-
Gotta thanks @ratsoh-writes lol
Sans:
-His deal breaker is either hating his brother or just being an *ss. Dont get him wrong, he gets when someone is teasing or joking around but when he knows someone is a truly *ss, you've been ghosted. Romantically is literally the same without counting how much he loves his job, if the probably future s/o doesn't want him that busy as he gets then maybe dont be with him??? He can't let aside his job that he truly enjoy for someone that isn't even his s/o-
-Something he admire either platonically or romantically is if they're also invested in their work/studies. That they dont mind having to stay late doing something they enjoy and not being forced to do. If i say knowing to say puns is already too used but anyone can make jokes or be the joke; how the ones with the bubbly attitude just keep being themselves is also something he admires.
Papyrus:
-One of his deal breakers are totally seeing the bad side of everyone like, all of the people and world in general. He doesn't like hearing talking sh*t about someone who they dont know??? Just with the excuse of "just look how they dress!" If you do this, he may just snap at you and just to break any connections; he still believes in everyone until they show him otherwise. That goes for also romantically! Too much jealous and trying to manipulate him is also one.
-Since he already sees the good in everyone what isn't something he admire from someone??? Platonically how they stood up for what they want and dont listen to some "extras" who are just jealous; romantically is another different thing, no matter your appearence because none of them would care but how compasive and kind they are is something he admire from his crushes.
Blue:
-His deal breaker either platonically or romantically for him, is one. Being treated as a child, he HATES it with all of his soul being treated like glass just because he is "small" and cute?? Well, cute he knows it; i think all my sanses would not tolerate someone who hate their brother or talk bad about them. Its a rule.
-If he ever meet someone like him, small, cute at everyone's eyes but they used to win stuff (without going that high) thats something he admires because not all the time he gets what he wants when he ask for it because he is "small" but instead, they can do it without a problem? How cool! Romantically may be acting like you want to act without waiting for everyone to like you, you're the one making decisions, not them!!
Miere:
-He is the most chill with deal breakers and that because.. he doesn't care that much but people making him choose between them or another cigarette/videogames/etc actually makes him mad and mostly uncomfortable, okay, you want me to probably choose you? Then gain it, its stupid how you try to compare yourself to something that isn't alive, for god's sake...
-People who actually give sh*t to people who expect a lot from them, he feels.. protective mostly from those ones since you do you man! He's here to support you in that big step you actually want to do for yourself, not your family, friends, neighbors. He likes their bravery.
Red:
-His more deal breakers were slowly fading away as he got "comfortable" in the surface but he still has one, someone who is really interested in scaring him by getting behind him; yes, it may be stupid but he HATES it because that return him into the underground when he could have been dusted in a blink of an eye, NEVER ever do that to Red.
-If someone can flirty and not get flustered thats a "marry me please" from Red, mostly joking.. unless. But also the fact of compliments that aren't in a flirt fight, genuine compliments also get him and he really admire them, like a lot actually. Use it either just to fluster him and get him grumpy or just do it if you want him to crush on you and deny it.
Cap:
-Lazy people, hands down or well, dirty people. He just can't help it, he hates watching a place so trash down but dont get him wrong; if you work 24/7, he will let it pass and if you're already friends he may help you and even help you organize everything. But if you dont work or study and have everything as a chaos... he may never go to your house again, total mother attitude.
-Now, what you really expect from him, everything in order and everything clean, If you can keep that even with your job or study, he may start being interested in you, legit. Or also if you take your job really seriously, If you want something and you go for it without having to hurt anyone in the process may also crush him hard, he doesn't like the ones who likes to feel superior of other people. If you want to be a good leader, you have to treat your team in a good way if you're expecting them to do a great job.
Black:
-Say something sh*tty about his brother and he is so done with you right now, like, another type of done with you. His brother is his everything and you better not try to ask him to choose between him or you because, sorry not sorry but he's choosing Slim, you had that win from before. Also blaming them about everything they went through. No, get the f*ck away.
-The protective instict towards family is something he will always respect, no questions asked; If you either have older or younger brother doesn't matter, for him it matter how much you protect them for love, of course, dont make them useless, just, let them know how much you care for them and Black would soften a little.
Slim:
-If you call him a baby because of wanting to be with his brother or trying to protect him, you wouldn't get it so dont talk about something you wont understand. Also the fact of making fun of his insecurities affect him HARD. Mostly because of his jealousy, he cant help it because a lot of people are better than him but here you are, making fun of him. People are better than you, after all.
-If you're also touch starved, dont get him wrong, he doesn't want anyone to be touch starved but he may enjoy more if you are since he's clingy even with friends, you're just so soft and squishy! If you're his s/o in the other hand.. he's more flirty clingy or child clingy by your side, you decide lol.
Hans:
-He's really weird because platonically, he hates that his friends or people trust so easily and romantically is the opposite! He hates when his crush/s/o doesn't trust them. That has an explanation, he doesn't trust that easily even with his joker attitude and when he probably accept his feelings towards a person, he started trusting more and more but now they dont trust him??? Like??? That's a really deal breaker for him.
-Now, he admires those people who had been hurt before but still can see the bright side of everything, yet, he doesn't understand them enough. That works for just a friend or crush/s/o. He will admire them not letting a Karen ruin their day too lol.
Edan:
-Saying his brother didn't suffer enough, making him less at what he felt as a toddler in a fell world... yeah basically you gain hate instead of love from Edan. He HATES hearing sh*t of his bro but the sh*t that involves his past or scars. That's his true deal breaker. No matter if its for s/o or just friend, dont say sh*t of his brother.
-Now, one word, fashion. Yes, he may not like dressing up that much as the old lady squad or that but he legit admires people who make perfect outfits that help their tone of skin, hair color, eyes, body, etc look good!
Allen:
-If you remember him how he killed those children because HE PROMISED to give his world freedom.. get the f*ck out of his sight; the sad thing of that is, he wont get mad, he will get sad and his hate towards himself would be stronger, please, dont do it.
-Someone who is really the word generous, no matter if you may ended up without nothing but you help someone in need and not expecting something back. He may crush on you thanks to that, he can't help it.
Bliss:
-If you call him out by the fact he left his brother alone, he has his reasons and both of them already talk about that. Dont bring that conversation ever again in his face, he gets MAD at that. Also hurting or insulting children AND talking sh*t of his brother, he doesn't want anyone talking bullsh*t at the back of his older brother.
-If you're a EXPERT with kids, he may put you in a fricking shrine; dude, he has the attitude of Toriel, of course he will want someone that likes kids and know how to deal with them. Either for just a friend or s/o, he may crush on you tho lol.
Zen:
-Treat him like he is scary and he is some type of weird creature... He may ghost you if you do, yes, he may be more taller and bigger than Sans but he is more soft than him. Of course, he may want you to treat him with patience mostly, his memory isn't the best so he may ask you twice about everything. If you're not patience then you shouldn't have talked to him in first place.
-Again, Patience is the key of Zen and if you either have literally the soul trait of patience or is in your personality; he really admire how patience you can be with either elder people or small kids, he may slowly crush but he may not know.
Max:
-A little the same as Zen, treat him like a weird creature and he may be upset at it and a upset Max is no joke; also treating his brother like a child or abusing his bad memory to get away with something... now that something that would make him MAD, since the famine has passed, he may got the older brother role and someone treating bad his brother make his non-existing blood boil.
-While Zen wants someone with a patience attitude, he wants a kindness attitude, he just wants someone that would be nice to everything and everyone, not giving a single f*ck if is a human, monster, elder, kid, etc. He just want them to be friendly and kind, more because of his scary look with his softie attitude, two totally different things in only one monster; that's him.
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tw domestic violence, sex
idk if im looking to vent or get advice but i atleast wanted to get it off my chest. my boyfriend beat me up so bad the other day i have a black eye and scratches all over my neck. ive kind of just accepted it as the price of being with him. i love him with all my heart and miss him the second hes away. today though i was looking at myself in the mirror and it dawned on me how wack i look feeding our newborn looking like this. i dont want him to think its ok i dont him to grow up and do the same to his girlfriend. im so messed up the night after he wanted me to suck his dick and i tried but couldn’t cause he hurt my neck so bad it was hard to physically suck. the other day he told me he likes chocking people because they have to do what he says in that moment and ik the statistics on dv and strangulation. but i dont want us to break up i just want him to stop i made a family with him why does he have to treat me this way? why am i so weak that im literally willing to accept it? i dont know whats wrong with me im not even the same person i was when we started dating and he doesn’t even help with anything around the house or the baby and i have to do everything even tho im the only one bringing in any money and ughggggggh
whats funny (but obviously not) is that in movies showing domestic violence the woman literally lives in fear or her abuser and im sure its that way for many in real life. but i dont live in fear i dont worry at the drop of a hat i say whatever i want (no filter super messed up stuff because he can hit me so why should i censor myself?) most fights are just regular fights. i never know when its gonna turn physical. even after it turns physical im not scared of him ik hes just trying mess with me. its when i push him beyond that point is when i get scared. when he puts his hands on me and wont stop even when im crying and begging. he hates so much when i cry as he freaking chokes me and it makes it worse. what does that mean? am i supposed to live in fear 24/7 or is it just not that bad?
-
First of all anon, I want to say that your feelings here are valid. You don’t need to fit the stereotype of living in fear 24/7. Like most stereotypes, it doesn't hold true for everyone outside of movies. Living in fear 24/7 creates a lot of on-screen tension that helps the audience connect and that's why they do it in movies. Real life domestic violence is a lot more complex and nuanced. Many people do not live in fear 24/7. Many describe exactly the feelings you describe - of being afraid when their partners go too far, but other times feeling brave, loving, or indifferent. Or some describe feeling safe and certain their partner has changed during the honeymoon phase before feeling unsafe again when their partner gets violent again. Not everyone has to react the same way to the same things, and your experiences are valid no matter how you feel or respond to them. 
I also want to point out that you are not weak. Not even a little bit. But if you genuinely feel that way, I do want to say that feeling weak is completely valid, and that it doesn’t make you less worthy. You are worthy now, as you are. Completely. 
It’s completely valid if you are having conflicting feelings about staying with your partner as well as having feelings about abuse not being okay. These feelings can co-exist. Most domestic violence survivors don't want their relationships to end, they just want the abuse to end. They love their abuser and wish they could just get their partner to treat them better. This is incredibly common. The reason for that is that abusers are rarely ever horrible 100% of the time. And they're rarely ever horrible right from the beginning (otherwise it would be much more difficult to lure victims to be with them). So in most cases of abuse, the survivor has lots of great memories (sometimes even recent great memories and loving moments) with their abuser. And when the abuse happens and they want it to stop, they don't want to get out of the relationship, they just want things to go back to being like it was in the good memories. It’s completely normal to have an array of feelings, even conflicting ones. And they are all valid. 
I want you to know that I am in no way judging you at all. I am just offering perspectives here, and one of those is thinking about your child. Even if you are convinced that he would never harm your child, your child could still be at risk. He may not have hurt your newborn yet, but it's not uncommon for people who engage in domestic violence to end up also physically abusing children later. Even if your boyfriend doesn't hurt your child, just witnessing abuse can also be traumatizing and have lasting effects.  It's okay if you're not ready to leave, it doesn't make you weak to accept the abuse and to choose to stay. There are a lot of complicated feelings involved in domestic violence especially with a child involved and wanting to keep the "family" together. You're not weak or wrong for having those feelings. But I still encourage you to think about whether this is the environment that you want to raise your child in. Especially since you don't want him to grow up seeing that kind of behaviour modeled for him and then decide to treat his future girlfriend that way.
One possibility for getting help that I want you to be aware of is taking the baby to the pediatrician is a good way to tell someone privately that you and your baby need help. They often have resource connections locally at doctors offices. You can also call a domestic violence hotline in your area or reach out to a local shelter if you have access to a phone that your abuser doesn't monitor (for example a friend's phone).
If you can, document any injuries. Preferably by seeing a doctor, but taking photos yourself and keeping notes of dates/times work too. This is a good idea even if you don’t plan to leave or file charges yet (or ever). It’s good to have for if you ever change your mind down the road and need to try and secure custody. If you document your injuries yourself, please try and make sure the documentation is somewhere your partner can’t find and destroy/delete it.
Another thing we suggest is to find a local domestic violence crisis center for help, or you can use virtual resources. Link 1, Link 2, or you can call 800-799-7233 if you are in the US. If you are in immediate danger, 911 (or your local emergency number) is always available to call.
- Mod April, Mod Allison, & Mod Emmett
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we-are-inevitable · 3 years ago
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About this new au....
I want headconnons of each first date comparatively
Like, did they go to a coffee shop the first time? And if they did, Would they go get coffee again for their second first date? Or would they go to a bookstore or something because they don’t want it to be the same?
~Jax
OHHH I LOVE THIS
okay so like. as i mentioned, jack and davey are just ,, complete wrecks when the first meet, so:
their first date is a 'party.'
like, a frat party.
for reference, they probably met at a different party, and probably made out at that first party, so jack texts davey and invites him to the next party and the rest is history.
they're both expecting just to hang out and get to know each other and, well, they both get crossfaded and end up waking up in bed together the next morning with little-to-no memory of what actually happened after the party.
now, if you dont count that as a date, then their first "date" was at a shitty little diner downtown, and they definitely dined-and-dashed and ended up smoking together in a park.
like i said, they're very dysfunctional and very bad people; they're immature and selfish and they almost hyperfixate on each other and confuse last and excitement for love.
now, between their breakup and reunion, they both finish school and begin their respective professions. they mature and reflect on past mistakes and try to better themselves every day, which MEANS:
their SECOND first date is to a simple cafe.
nothing big or extravagant; this is still new, still fragile, and honestly, they don't know if they're going to work, so why not go small at first and build their way up?
they make small talk and have a dinner where neither of them need a smoke break
side note: i DO think they'd both still smoke cigarettes; not nearly as much as they used to, but that's one habit neither of them have been able to completely kick.
also Jack still smokes weed but more as an anxiety/relaxation thing and not an "i need to be high 24/7 or i'll lose it" thing
BUT ANYWAY BACK TO THE DATE
it goes surprisingly well, and afterwards, they don't rush anything. they don't even kiss until the 4th or 5th date; they're really taking their time with this, because they want it to work, and they're working for it.
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surveysonfleek · 3 years ago
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1596.
1. How has covid affected you? it had its pros and cons. we’re just about to come out of a 3month lockdown and honestly i was okay with it. i got to work from home, i saved a ton of money from not going out and i got a lot done. 2. What is a comfort show of yours ? the office 3. Are you open about your past or do you not let anyone in? im pretty open about it when asked 4. Favourite fast food joint? kfc! 5. Do you think we were put on this earth for a reason? if im honest, probably not. we aint shit compared to the rest of the universe
6. What is something you have done this year you’re proud of? bought land to build a house on 7. Do u ever feel like surveys are usually the same questions? yes. i wouldnt be surprised if ive done that same survey multiple times over the years 8. What were you doing 10 years ago? i was still at uni, living life lol 9. Do you call out Karen’s when they’re harassing a cashier? i honestly havent come across that in public  10. Animal crossing , yay or nay? yay! although, i did get over it after 2 weeks. i bought a switch just for it and now its basically unused 11. Why do you like to do surveys? something to pass the time 12. Did you ever have a MySpace ? yes 13. Do you think breaks are toxic in a relationship? not really. it depends on what youre agreeing to. i think the space apart can actually really help 14. Do you have a YouTube channel? If no , would you create one? If yes what’s your content? yes and i havent uploaded in years. i traveled a lot like 5 years ago so i documented all my vacations 15. Are you a math person? i can do simple maths pretty quickly but thats about it 16. What’s the worse thing someone has said to you? hmm none comes to my head but theres been shit said to me for sure 17. Have you ever befriended someone because you felt bad? nope 18. Would you ever date someone online? mostly likely not 19. Have you been ghosted before? Would you ghost someone? no 20. When do you think things will be normal again? i dont think itll ever be normal. i feel like people will forever be weird about massive crowds etc 21. Do you watch anime? only as a kid. i got a free trial on anime lab to watch sailor moon and i couldnt get into any other shows. its just not my thing 22. Biggest goal you wanna reach before 2020 is over ? 2020 is over and done with 23. How old did/do you turn this year ? im old haha, i dont wna talk about it :( 24. Do you like tiktok? yes 25. Do you ever miss vine? i never got into vine 26. How are you doing, seriously? look, im fine. i just need to start getting shit done 27. Is there someone you want to talk to but you know you can’t? kinda. and thats fine. 28. Do you make jokes to cope with your problems? nah 29. Have you ever had someone call you their best friend but you didn’t even consider them a close friend? hahaha no, thatd be awkward 30. Have you ever dealt with a pathological liar? cant say i have 31. Long or short surveys? in between. sometimes long boring surveys are just draining 32. If ur in school , are you doing it on zoom or in class? not in school 33. Would you ever have a pet rat? noooo 34. Favourite memory with your best friend? travel memories <3 probably san francisco 35. Favourite type of content to watch on YouTube? a bit of everything. interviews, travel vlogs, podcasts 36. Are you allergic to anything serious? nah 37. Dream job? id love to be the person/people who create new scents for bath and body works haha 38. Do you think dreams mean anything? nothing that would dictate your life but im sure its def got something to do with ur subconscience  39. Fav clothing brand? h&m 40. Do you miss anyone? my dad
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