#aged people toilet

[amazingdealsblog]

Unboxing And Review Portable Western Toilet/ Commode/Western Toilet Stoo...

[iamhereinthebg]

I had a vision

[ohmigoshiloveu]

Okay so like. I still haven't managed to get myself to finish episode 9, so I don't fully know how Theo's glow up finishes, but regardless I fucking love relistening to Emizel's section of episode 1 and like. Fuck man Theo does a lot of growing. Like he's a little bit pathetic at the beginning of the series. He's so, so brave during the alleyway fight, but he sounds shaky and scared and like a sopping wet pathetic baby the entire time. Charlie specifically describes him as not very alert, not a great fighter, and gives him this little moment where it takes him a second to manage to crush a soda can. He botches the check to beat Emizel in Smash Bros so there's a chance he sucks at the related skills (dexterity and computers I think?), but also after he loses Charlie specifically has him sound super frustrated and conclude that he should've 'stayed in his lane'. When Emizel says 'We'll do what we do best,' and Theo immediately responds with 'drink soda?' so fast that the other players notice it. Charlie might've had that as a predetermined character thing. Theo drinks soda. There's not much else to him.

Which creates this interesting dynamic between him and Emizel, because Emizel is so much better at him at all of these skills that the people around them (a FUCKING GANG) value. Emizel's perceptive, and agile, and strong, and a great fucking fighter irl and in videogames AND he always sounds badass. He's the top dog, the apex predator in their social circle. And I think that colors their relationship a lot? Like Theo has to look up to Emizel. I bet that Theo's looked up to Emizel since they first met, maybe Emizel came crashing into his life doing something epic and Theo thought it was the greatest shit ever.

On the flip side, I was getting a few hints of resentment? Hear me out! It's that 'should have just stayed in my lane' line. He's painfully aware how great Emizel is, compared to how much he's (from his perspective!) just a one trick pony. He's here to drink soda and say funny things, that's all most people want from him and he fucks up whenever he tries to do anything else!

And later in the segment Theo snarkily brings up a medicine check that Emizel had just fucked up in like this super backhanded, super passive aggressive way. That could be him wanting to rub Emizel's one singular fuck up in his face (especially because Theo was having a Moment about how he feels like people only see him as the soda guy, so any feelings of inadequacy would've been dialed up to eleven, so if there was any time for him to resent Emizel it'd be then), but it could also be that he was frustrated with Emizel being an ass (Emizel had just guessed that Theo's dream was to be a nurse, which was flat out wrong, and that's literally what set up the backhanded comment. Theo was saying something like 'thank fuck you don't wanna be a nurse cuz you sure fucked up with nursing that guy earlier.' It could also be that Emizel literally almost forgot Theo's name. Theo literally gave him the 'th' sound, it might've just been a bit Charlie was doing or it could've been Theo being AWARE that Emizel almost forgot his name. Or! It could be that in this moment, where Theo was confiding in Emizel about feeling like being the soda guy was all anyone ever saw in him, Emizel said something to the affect of 'well yeah Soda's the fun one.' Emizel doesn't think before he speaks and literally has a 1 in empathy. Just because he loves Theo doesn't mean he's not gonna blunder into being a complete and utter asshole to him. I'd hazard to say Emizel accidentally being an ass to people he cares about is a running theme).

But also all of that might come down to Charlie still getting the character down. Or, because I've theorized before that Theo might not've been supposed to survive the first Gabriel fight, the little hints of bitterness might've been intentional (even if they were completely improvved and Charlie didn't mean to add that to Theo's character) because Charlie was trying to shove as much character into this character before he was gone, but once it became clear that Theo was going to stick around longer he dropped it. As far as I remember, that bitterness is completely gone in all later interactions we see with Theo. OR! It could be that the bitterness drops because they've both got bigger fish to fry from that point onward, what with Theo's Shilo Incident TM, Emizel's vampirism, the Weylin twins. He doesn't have time to be bitter, he's too busy worrying about losing a cornerstone of his identity or helping his best friend adjust to being a fucking vampire now. And then after he learns to live without soda that basically negates his feelings of inadequacy- like, getting over the idea that he's nothing if he's not the soda guy would be required for him to give up on being the soda guy. And then Emizel would drift back into JUST being a guy to aspire to instead of also being a reminder of Theo's short comings, and then drift even further down into being 'guy who is actually going through it and has to overcome his own demons just like I had to overcome mine'. Like, I think we got to watch Theo slowly start to take Emizel off this pedestal in real time (he still definitely thinks Emizel's hot shit tho. Emizel's his boy, after all.)

Regardless, even if Theo did resent Emizel a little in the beginning, it's so fucking clearly overshadowed by how much he fucking loved him. And like, how could he not? Imagine you're Theo, critically low self esteem, and the literal coolest guy you know fucking LOVES you. Like, Emizel keeps consistently going out of his way to pull Theo up to his level and to treat him as an equal (mostly. Sometimes protectiveness bleeds through, like in his hypothetical fang scenario in ep 1 where he predicts there being five Fangs to fight and he says he can take three and Theo can take two (which in itself is still incredibly kind to Theo. Like, boy, you thought Theo was gonna be able to take out two whole guys? Hell no.) But that could also be chalked up to Emizel just being a cocky ass who wants to show off). Like dude, c'mon. Emizel might be a reminder of everything that Theo's not, but he's also probably Theo's biggest cheerleader. He wholeheartedly thought he was being supportive when he said he thought Theo'd make a great nurse! In all seriousness, though, even if it ultimately discourages him, Theo playing that Smash game against Emizel was at least a little bit of proof of him decidedly not 'staying in his lane,' and Emizel seems to inspire that! Later in that segment he challenges Theo to see which of them can break one of the Fangs kneecaps first! I bet Emizel challenged him to stupid competitions a lot, and that got Theo fired up and competitive in return!

And even when Emizel's not building Theo up, he's still giving Theo special attention, or readily receiving any attention Theo gives him. If nothing else, even at his lowest points that might've made Theo feel cool by association.

On Emizel's part, I think he's like, possibly completely oblivious to any turmoil Theo's going through? Like he thinks Theo's the shit and genuinely sees him as an equal. I'm 99% sure that Theo being his right hand man happened because Theo would've put himself into the role (in episode one before he gets all of his character development he's pretty much always looking to Emizel for what to do, and still more or less does whatever he says up to where I'm at in the series, with refusing to leave the alleyway being the only exception I remember). I think if Theo'd had higher self esteem or been less eager to defer to Emizel, Emizel would've happily gone about his business slotting Theo into more of a partner role. He tells Theo to run from that alleyway because Theo'd taken a fucking devastating hit and Emizel was sure he could handle himself, not because he knows Theo sucks at fighting. He tries to turn Theo into a cool vampire. He convinces Shilo that Theo'll be a valuable asset to raiding the Weylin warehouse and they take Theo with them instead of having him stay behind with the car like Grefgore, despite Theo being the one who actually knows how to drive. He tells Theo about being a vampire even though he keeps it a secret from everyone else, confides in Theo that 'yeah he might absolutely be susceptible to going into a frenzy like Shilo did.'

When you get down to it, Emizel pretty much tells Theo everything he would think is relevant, with two notable exceptions. Maybe three if you count him not telling Theo he has nine lives like a cat but tbh I think he might've just forgot. Or maybe he gets to it later, or maybe he did tell him and I forgot! idk man! But! Those other two things. First off, he like. Pointedly does not tell Theo that he's a prince. Like when they were doing the recap on the way to the Weylin warehouse, there's like. Charlie gives Condi an opening to say it, a little 'is there anything else?' and Emizel just. Doesn't. And the second one is that (at least where I'm at) Emizel never comes clean about bloodbonding Theo. Maybe it just hasn't come up yet, but still. It fits a pattern of Emizel not wanting to admit something that makes him, like, ABOVE Theo somehow. He sees Theo as an equal, and a precious one at that, he doesn't want things to get weird between them because he's literal royalty, and he doesn't want Theo's life to literally revolve around him like it would under a level three blood bond- and doesn't want to admit that he even considered it, even if he did it without really understanding what it was.

And Emizel backing off from ghoulifying Theo after Arthur explains what it actually entails kinda leads into a far more headcanon-y relationship analysis thing so um. Feel free to skip the next paragraph.

So! Like. Why the fuck was Emizel so attached to Theo being Soda. Like he gets over it decently quick, cuz that's his buddy and it's what Theo wants, so like. Whatever. But like, if I'm right about Theo always looking up to Emizel from the moment they met, there might've been some wiggle room between when they first became friends and when Theo became Soda. And like, before Theo became Soda, being Emizel's buddy would probably be the only thing he'd feel he had going for him? Which would've made it even harder for Emizel to get them both on equal footing, and I think that's just... really unappealing to him. Like! Don't get me wrong, I'm sure Emizel loves having people kiss up to him and respect him and blah blah blah, I just think Theo being his boy and Emizel treating him like a partner go hand in hand. Either they weren't best friends yet or Emizel was just. Kind of uncomfortable and eager to push Theo into growing into something more than a hypeman. And then the soda incident occurs, and it gives Theo SOMETHING to define himself by, something people like him and know him for that's got nothing to do with Emizel, and maybe the initial soda incident was bad, but having that sense of identity and falling into what kind've feels like a class clown kinda role might've helped get Theo over his self esteem issues long enough for Emizel to go 'oh you're actually super cool. sweet.' and then blah blah blah they get super close like they are in canon. And then whenever Theo seems like he's backsliding into what he was before the soda incident, Emizel tries to course correct not because he doesn't think Theo's any fun without soda, but because he's made the mental connection that Soda without soda turns into less of a best friend and more of a follower, which as stated before he probably really doesn't want from Theo specifically. but idk. pure conjecture here.

Anyways, above all else, Theo's important to Emizel. I really, really like the idea that Theo was supposed to be like a brother to him (which. Again pointing at my 'Theo was supposed to die in episode 1' theory, can you IMAGINE the angst Emizel could've had about that? Lose one brother and then someone else claiming to be your brother shows up? It would've felt like some hellish, not-worth-it trade. Like a betrayal, like accepting Shilo might mean replacing Theo, and how could he ever?)

And Emizel's important to Theo! But unlike Emizel (who I'm 99% sure is gonna have some kinda moment with Theo but I genuinely cannot see him loving Theo in any other way than the way he does now), Theo has the bonus of having his view of Emizel have a clear trajectory to evolve over the course of the campaign. Like I said, he seems to be getting more confidence in himself and like, not gonna get into the stuff I've had spoiled beyond episode 9 but it seems like Theo's gonna get a lot more comfortable being a proper leader and not just a number two. He's gonna have an easier time seeing Emizel as an equal, and I think that's fucking awesome!

I could be completely off base, but if I never watch another episode then I'll never be proven wrong. So. Ya know.

[mari-lair]

in the age swap au that the minobros interage/relacions with akane,yashiro,aoi, lemon, hanako,etc?

uyguyiyu that’s a lot of people to go over! I tried to keep it short, simplify every dynamic, but it still got long.

Teru likes how genuine and passionate Nene is, her daydreams and gushing amuse him. She makes his more childish side shine, listening attentively when she tells him prince charming daydreams and sharing his own wishes for vacation, though he is very condescending at times: There is no malice to it, but Nene can act very naive and Teru is one arrogant little brat.

Nene has a big crush on Kou, and she actively tries to woo him instead of admiring in silence, plenty of reasons why, but mostly these three:Kou doesn’t have “someone else he likes”, when he rejects people he kindly says that he isn’t interested. Kou is not the “school prince” he may be considered a hot guy in school but he isn’t put on a pedestal, and that makes him feel more human and ‘attainable’. Kou is super sweet and blunt with Nene, when she is down, he tries to cheer her up, and he is so genuinely confused when she feels insecure, telling Nene she has a cute smile and she looks prettier than Aoi when she is happy. She is down bad.

Kou has a soft spot for Nene, he thinks she is a very sweet girl with a bright smile, and is sad she will die soon. He really appreciates that she is friends with Teru, even if a lot of her actions confuse him (he has no idea she has a crush on him), and when she bluntly praises him, he gets shy/have no idea how to react.

Hanako hates her crush on Kou so much, but he can’t genuinely hate Kou, he is the closest thing to a friend Hanako had before Nene summoned him. He still grows passive-aggressive with Kou and super clingy with Nene when she gets too lovey-dovey.

Teru wants Hanako exorcised and Hanako is scared of Teru, they try to convince Nene to abandon the other constantly. Most of the time Nene go “Play nice or I’m not staying with either!!” so they tolerate each other's presence.

They get very competitive at games, and it takes a lot of time, but their mutual care for Nene, and the traumatizing realization they share a lot in common make them slowly go from “Enemies that will go out of their way to hit where it hurts and drive the other to tears” to “Rivals that don’t respect each other in the slightest but can easily fall into friendly banter. It is a mystery if they care about each other cause they would rather swallow needles than say anything positive about the other.”

After Teru got attached to Nene, he always runs to her class to greet her with a sweet smile and a “Hey, we should ditch Hanako today! ”. This habit makes him meet Aoi relatively quick. Once she is introduced as Nene’s best friend, he tries to convince Nene to hang out with Aoi instead of Hanako, sure if she is already nene’s friend she’ll help Teru keep her away from Hanako.

His attempts usually fail, and Nene drags him to the bathroom with Hanako, but on the occasion he can convince Nene that “today is such a beautiful day to waste cleaning bathrooms” Aoi follows them.

He gets a crush on Aoi after a week or less of hanging out, and he isn’t fully aware it's a crush so he doesn’t hide it very well: he is sweeter with Aoi than with Nene and he asks a lot of questions about her, it makes Nene want to cry cause she knows Teru have a crush and it makes her get into her depressed “haha, all the boys really love her, I must be a radish in comparison :´)” moods.

Aoi is unsure and a bit overwhelmed by Teru at first but she warms up to him with time, realizing he does say a lot of weird things, acting as if ghosts exist, but he is not as unpredictable as he appears, and his questions seem to be born out of simple curiosity, so she eventually chalks him as a ‘sweet kouhai’.

Teru avoids any of Aoi and Nene's love talks like it's the plague, and Aoi finds that amusing, assuming it's because Teru doesn't want to hear Nene go over his big brother's dreamy smile, not because Teru is emotionally constipated and doesn't want to talk about his feelings, which is unavoidable if he lingers.

Teru used to be huffy with Akane since he is a half supernatural whom Kou treat as fully human, (Teru tied Akane up when they first met and tried to show off to Kou, expecting him to be proud he defeated a school wonder, but instead he was scowled for bullying a senpai) and he feels awkward every time Akane declares his love for Aoi. Still, no matter how cringe he acts, Akane is nice to people, easy to tease, very observant, blunt, competent and yet easy to trick, which makes him so cool to Teru. He really wants to be his friend.

Even though Akane is older, and the student council president, Teru still bullies him: It is common knowledge at school that Akane has beef with a 14 years old. He mostly ignores Teru but he did almost snapped when Teru says he will try to get into the student council so they can play more often.

Kou doesn't interact much with Akane, just checks on him from time to time, a bit worried about him since he knows how hard it can be to see supernaturals in a world where everyone else is blind to it.

Both don’t really interact with Lemon. Though Lemon does vaguely think Teru is weird in a funny way and Kou seems like a cool dude.

Teru is overly attached to Kou, for a long time Kou was the only person he ever trusted. Kou is his cool big brother/ best friend/ caretaker all in one and whenever he gets lonely or has a problem it is an instinct to go to Kou. He put Kou on a pedestal while simultaneously being protective of him: He has noticed Kou’s hero complex, and he doesn’t want to be an added reason as to why Kou looks so tired, he doesn’t want to be just a ‘dead weight’ Kou takes care of.

When Kou says he is “so smart, you’re far better at this than when I was your age!” or “So strong! You took that big supernatural all on your own! I'm proud of you” Teru takes it to heart, so he is very arrogant.

Teru does his best with house chores that don't involve cooking, such as cleaning and babysitting Tiara, to help out but he is more confident he is of help when it comes to protecting Kou's back on patrol. When Kou is stressed by school exams he tries to understand what Kou is studying to help him as well (much to Kou’s surprise, despite their three years difference, when he is in the red and Teru spends the day trying very hard to go over his school books, he is usually able to grasp the basic and help simplify things.)

Teru is aware he is not as 'heroic' as Kou, and he grows more and more resentful of supernaturals the more Kou's attempt to understand them hurts his big brother. He is scared if they talk about his real view on their job Kou will be disappointed in him, or, on particularly bad days, consider Teru a bad person.

Kou is very protective and fond of Teru, and will exhaust himself to spoil him.

Kou is scared by the idea of not being needed. He is genuinely proud that Teru is a prodigy but feeling more and more lacking by the year: Teru stopped asking for his advice in exorcism or how to vacuum or how to use a washing machine, and he never needed Kou’s help with school.

Kou got a mini-crisis when Teru started spending time with Nene and Hanako or Aoi and Akane every day instead of with him. He is very happy his little bro isn’t so lonely anymore, but he is so used to Teru’s visits during his school break, it takes time to get used to not see him for a whole day and not immediately assume something is wrong and Teru must be in danger. He is also far too used to being the only person Teru trusts, and it does make him jumpy and hurt when Teru starts to hide some things from him, or go to his friends instead of Kou to vent.

More info on it can be found Here

[impmansloot]

saw a bad anders take as you do on the internet, time to cleanse my palette

[tardis--dreams]

There's silverfish in this apartment so the only chance for my body to get some rest would be collapsing from exhaustion otherwise i will not sleep for a While

[taxonomicons]

“Mature content” but it’s just doing the dishes and having to stick your hand in the disposal or calling maintenance to check the efficiency of the thermostat

[mihrsuri]

I just need to have a panic vent here (abuse under readmore)

There is a mouse that I saw inside and my brain is just Screaming Horror (one thing my abuse involved - dirty motel rooms, bars and alleys and stuff and…yeah. Dirty bathrooms. And I clean and keep food stored securely and sweep up crumbs and I HATE THIS. And yes I am ordering mouse go away stuff (I would like to do it humanely) but just…So Many Triggers. So Many.

[malcolm-reeds-pineapple]

Having a well-documented good relationship with your father is like casting a hex on everyone you know to believe that you’re good with cars and know how to do home improvement projects

[none-asked]

The cats are named Luna, Harry, and Roman. They are all special and stupid and I love them.

[techmomma]

Facts about your body after you turn 25, AKA things I wish someone had told me:

you will get hair in fun new places. this is normal and fine.

these places include (but are not limited to) if you don't already have them: your asscrack, your back, your ears, and moles. it's fine.

some of you, dick or not, will also lose hair. this is normal, but also if you have ovaries maybe get this checked out for PCOS.

your acne will probably change. some people get better. some people get worse. it's fine.

your nails will probably get an infection or a fungus at least once in your life. this is fine. (but also let your doc know).

how you gain and lose fat and where you do so will change. this is fine.

how you smell will change. this is fine. (fishy or rotten smells mean doctor time though)

if you have a prostate: it gets harder to pee. prostates enlarge as you age (get this checked regularly). this is fine.

if you do not have a prostate: it gets easier to pee but not in a good way. as in as you get older, your pelvic floor muscles tend to lose some of their strength. this makes it harder to keep pee in. this is fine.

all breasts and pectorals eventually sag, with the rest of your body. this is fine.

a decent percent of the population will experience a cyst at least once. some of you will make up for the rest with multiple. this is fine, but keep them checked out by a doctor. (sometimes this is a condition! get checked for that too!)

almost half of everyone gets hemorrhoids. it's a good idea to just expect them since your chances of getting them get higher the older you are. your toilet will look like a murder scene. definitely get your booty checked out BUT this is almost always perfectly normal. just eat more fiber. "but I already-" eat more fiber. and maybe suck it up and buy some hemorrhoid cream, you'll thank me later.

yes, this means you will probably need to make an appointment for a doctor to see your butthole. it's okay. not only do they really not care but 1. they've seen weirder that day and 2. they'd far rather you see them now than later when it's been going on for forty years and now it might be colon cancer. it's okay. consider it a rite of passage.

adults need more sleep than children. don't believe the myth that you need less than they do. that is capitalist propaganda to make you give up more of your life to the work grind, comrade.

vitamins and medicine, something you are more likely to take as you get older, sometimes make the toilet turn weird colors. it's okay.

if you still have your tonsils and get those little stones and get sore throats more than once a year you should plan on getting those suckers out before the tonsils cause an infection and go septic. if you're getting stones at all you should get those reevaluated every year, especially if the stones are bigger than a needlehead (or get bigger over time). it's gross and yucky. I don't care. get them looked at before you end up in the hospital.

you'll probably need to add foot support to your shoes if you don't already do. this is fine.

your body changes. sometimes it can feel sorta weird and upsetting that it isn't what it used to be. that is okay, and it is okay to be upset. just know that this is normal, it's normal to be upset or not upset, but don't let it hinder your quality of life. trans or cis, there is a certain level of acceptance you just gotta give your body and forgive your body for as you get older. it's okay.

it's okay. I promise.

[sunnysidedown48]

Hey Tumblr! Are you guys ready for when someone inevitably “discovers” that the head form the Skibidi Toilet videos is actually the character model male_07 originally from the hit 2004 game Half-Life 2? And which later gained popularity as a default character prop in Gary’s Mod, a widely popular mod by Gary Newman for the Source game engine that was later approved and published by the parent company Valve as a stand alone title.

I’m just… like, in a month or two there’s gonna be this influx of TicToks and YouTube shorts talking about this “Obscure group of games from 20 years ago” and I will immediately shrivel up into a teeny tiny lil’ raisin and die of old

[guitarnacle]

oh man 2 people at my job are quitting GOODBYE my lovely noon start 2 days a week HELLO evil opening shift & getting called in when i have class

[ivyloveheart]

That’s what so many people are like when it comes to skibidi toilet, too

[pinkys-plan]

My housemate used up an entire roll of toilet paper after coming home drunk yesterday and I'm actually a little fucking mad about itttttt. Like I get that I was for cleaning up puke and stuff but y'all. This house has a very specific toilet paper system AND that was one of those big rolls that has waaay more sheets than the average roll and it was literally a new one so when I say the entire roll I mean actually literally the entire roll.

Not to be petty but that was a downstairs toilet roll and he is an upstairs housemate. And I'm not gonna be, like, seething quietly abt it or holding it against him (it's more of an 'aw man, seriously?' type situation) but I just need to get the annoyance out of my system with this post

[foldingfittedsheets]

I’d like to entertain and enliven you now with the saga of my Slut Era.

I’ve always been a serial monogamist and my shortest long term relationships clocked in at three years. So perhaps that’s why when I finally broke it off with my ex I went insane on dating. Part of it was definitely just that between anxiety and loneliness I wanted to fill up my time.

This happened when I was living alone for the first time, no roommates, just me and my little cat Leeloo. I didn’t want to come home to an empty house so instead I set up dates.

Most of these were disastrous. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea and I had a lot more first dates than second because they’d seen enough, including the one where people aggressively complimented me.

But after a few months I had four people I was seeing simultaneously. I was up front with all of them that things were not exclusive, and they all agreed, so no infidelity took place here, just a lot of hijinks.

Here’s who was on the dating roster:

• An apprentice woodworker that we’ll call Jill. I honestly thought at 26 years old that her being 21 wasn’t a problem age gap and I quickly learned that there was a vast gulf of both maturity and life experience between us. Jill described herself as “heteroflexible” and had just dumped her first boyfriend to flirt it up with me.

• A married woman looking for a friends with benefits. We’ll call her Alice. I insisted on meeting her husband first to be sure I wasn’t part of a cheating mess and he gave me his blessing when I stayed over at her house. Years later when he and Alice had divorced I would go on to sell him and his new fiancée an engagement ring and we both realized at the end how we knew each other and it was wildly awkward. Alice was nice, but a hardcore vegan who insisted I brush my teeth if I so much as ate string cheese before I could kiss her. She was also unhappy in her marriage and was feeling out if I’d want to get serious.

• A bartender dubbed Snakebites, so called because of her signature piercings. She cooked me a steak so raw it was still mooing and some of the best asparagus I’d ever had. In our singular sexy encounter she bit my nipple and I never got over it. Really don't bite someone if you don't know their preference and work up in pressure. We weren’t terribly compatible but neither of us were willing to admit it yet. Truthfully I considered still dating her solely because I desperately wanted her bathroom. It had all black tile, black toilet, black sink, a rain shower in the corner and a jacuzzi tub. I may not have loved her but god I loved that bathroom.

And finally,

• My beloved, who I would go on to marry, who was dealing with a lot of personal stuff at the time. Obviously that meant I liked them the best of all the people I was seeing because we were both disasters at the time.

So that’s the cast of this little misadventure. Now, our story begins with Jill.

Jill was someone who heightened my anxiety. Each of the three times she came to my home she brought and left more stuff. A self help book, a ramen kit, the entire Teen Titans collection of DVDs. It was like she was trying to move in. She also liked to deride my taste in things, frequently calling me a pleb when I mentioned a band or show I liked.

She was working on a gorgeous little decorative table in her woodworking program. The main wood for the top had a beautiful dapple of knots like jaguar spots, and when she showed me a picture I exclaimed how pretty it was.

“Do you want it?”

“Oh- I mean it’s lovely, I wouldn’t mind having it, but you should sell it and make some money!”

But she was adamant. She’d give me the little side table. At about this time, Alice was starting to get awfully lovey for a FWB. I knew she wasn’t happy with her husband but I also knew we were not a good fit. Fun fact: Alice and her husband were step siblings with a pretty hefty age gap. They got together when he stumbled upon a kink photo shoot she’d done with vegetables. None of their family was happy about the relationship but they weren’t related by blood so it was fine.

So I was fending off more overt romantic advances from Alice, and feeling increasingly like I needed to break things off with Jill. Snakebites wasn’t ever initiating communication and I decided to pull a lot of plugs at once.

I ghosted Snakebites, told Alice that I thought we should cool it, and in a move worthy of a rom-com I asked my beloved if I could pretend we were exclusive to put off Jill. They agreed and I texted Jill to let her know that I was no longer single.

I was not prepared for Jill’s response. She. Was. Devastated. She flew off the handle. She’d just been waiting for the right time to tell me how she felt about me! How dare I do this to her!

What about the table?!

“You should keep the table, it’s gorgeous, you’ll be able to sell it, but I don’t expect a free table.”

Silence met me after that text. I worried and fretted and eventually headed home.

There on my doorstep. The table.

It was a small little end table, reeking of oil and polish, but very beautiful. I brought it inside. The little drawer didn’t even have a knob or guide rails. But it did have a handwritten bill proclaiming that it was costing me $500.

“I can’t afford a $500 table, Jill!” I texted.

“Well you kept saying how nice it was. I spent a lot of time on it.”

“I’m not saying it’s not worth $500” (it wasn’t, it was a tiny side table made by an apprentice) “but I can’t buy a $500 table.”

“Make me an offer.”

I stared at the little table. I did actually like it, but I worried about the repercussions of entering into this deal. Hesitantly I typed back, “$300.” I didn’t think it was worth that much but I didn’t want to insult her too badly.

This suited her for the night. But the next day she informed me she needed a new bed, and that she’d take her $300 in credit toward a new mattress. I spent the whole next day basically wrangling with her over what she wanted and eventually she spiked back up to demanding $500 for the damn table.

“Let me just give it back,” I begged. It was not the first, second, or even third time I’d asked to return the thing but this time she finally relented and gave me her address. Since she lived with her parents still I’d never been over.

I called up my beloved and said, “Hey, I need moral support, can you run an errand with me?”

They agreed which is how we loaded up a self help book, a ramen kit, the entire Teen Titans DVD collection, and the table from hell into my little car together. Jill had said to meet her at one o'clock. I intended to drop everything off at noon and be done with this madness.

But while my beloved and I were on the doorstep leaving everything I heard, “Jill? You’re home early,” through the door. Her mom opened it to peer at us in confusion.

“I was just bringing Jill’s stuff back!” I chirped in alarm.

With little tact and a lot of speed we left her with Jill’s collection of things and then I sped out of there like my tail was on fire. I handed my phone to my beloved as I zoomed away instructing them to block Jill’s number. I was free. The tabletross around my neck had been returned.

It was about a month after that when my beloved and I officially began dating exclusively. I had wrapped up all my messy dating threads and it was a relief to be in a relationship again. They went on a trip to Mexico shortly after we made it official.

So I knew they were out of town. But next morning I walked out to my car and beheld a lipstick kiss pressed to the drivers side window.

I was petrified. I had just dumped three girls at once and had an extremely messy back and forth with one of them. Did I have a stalker?!

Of the girls, Alice seemed like likeliest candidate, being of a stronger lipstick variety girl than Jill or Snakebites. We had ended things a bit stiffly, but still cordial. She just laughed when I asked if she knew anything about it. “Nope,” she said, “but good luck.”

I’d rather have walked over broken glass then text Jill, and I’d firmly ghosted Snakebites so I was scared to reopen communication to ask if she was stalking me. I had to drop it. But it haunted me, that lipstick kiss.

For months I was jumpy, wondering which of my spurned lovers had done it. And why. Was it a threat? A goodbye? I lay awake thinking about it, worrying about how everyone I’d dated knew where I lived, which car was mine.

Finally, nothing else happened and I moved on. The kiss would remain a mystery and I had to be content with that.

It was a year later when I finally started filling my mom in on my dating escapades that I finally got closure. She was hooting and laughing as I went over the table debacle. Then I paused and added, “And then this kiss showed up on my car.”

“Did you like it?”

“What? No! I’m pretty sure one of them was stalking me! Who else would leave a kiss on my car?”

My mom started bellowing with laughter. “I did!” She wheezed.

Apparently. My mother had been driving by my place. And decided that a cute little gesture would be to leave me a kiss. And then decided to never mention it to me even though she’s never done anything like that previously.

“It scared the crap out of me!” I yelled while she collapsed with helpless laughter. “I thought I had a stalker! How could I possibly have known that was you?!”

“How could I have known you’d just broken up with three girls at once?” She wheezed in rejoinder and like. Fair play.

So that’s how my mom convinced me I had a stalker and I got out of buying a $500 table.