#all the stressors are from shit outside of my control

[piplupod]

u know how doctors and therapists and other medical people (and websites etc) will tell you to "reduce stress" in your life when ur having some kind of medical issue?

what are they ... actually expecting you to do. like what concrete actions are they thinking ur going to take to "reduce stress". what sort of things are they expecting that you're going to do to follow that advice.

because i cannot think of a single action /i/ can take that would "reduce stress" in my life and yet I see that advice plastered EVERYWHERE

[skyloftian-nutcase]

Sorry if you’re offline or just don’t want to see this but I has question:

As the resident hurricane family mother, how does one healthily cope with sadness, depression, and self-blame? Because most of us are dealing with these and I have absolutely no healthy coping mechanisms, so I was wondering if you’d know anything?

I was just offline because of work, that’s all. 👍🏻 This is kind of difficult to answer but I will do my best. Please reblog this, lovelies, and add your own healthy coping mechanisms so we can have as much good advice in a post as possible. ❤️ I’m gonna ask y’all to bear with me and read this whole answer because some things might sound like “meh that’s not for me” but if you stop reading then you won’t find other things that might help.

First, my faith is a big pillar of strength for me. I know not everyone shares my beliefs, but if you have any inclination to try and pray at all, prayer helps so much. Not because it gives you an instant fix, but because it gives you an ear to talk to, it can let you scream and cry and breathe and listen and reorient. God’s always listening. ❤️ If anyone is ever unsure how to pray or anything of the sort, you can always ask. ❤️

Now as I said, not everyone shares my beliefs, and there are so many coping mechanisms out there! Journaling your thoughts helps you put them out of your mind and onto something you can look at and physically touch. It gives you a moment to pause and reread it and parse it out. I find exercise helps me a lot too - and I’m not even saying you need to go to the gym or punch the air, just a walk makes a world of difference. Can’t go outside? Pace back and forth and listen to music. I put in so many steps I sometimes “walk” for miles just from pacing back and forth.

Find yourself a support system. I have different people who I go to for different things. My family is always there for me but I don’t always tell them everything that’s bothering me. And I don’t have to! I actively avoid telling them some things because I don’t want them to worry, but I will tell others. Different people can be there for you in different ways. I have work friends who go through hell with me and we can talk about it with each other because we get it. I have close friends who may not understand what I’m going through but can still lend an ear when I’m at a breaking point and can either let me vent or offer me support. I have my family who honestly just knows the periphery of big stressors for me but can read when I need to be alone and when I need love.

Know your limits. We all want to be everything for everyone. We all want to help and support each other. But sometimes things are too much. Sometimes you can’t be in righty places and have energy for six other people in crisis and still put a smile on your face. Know when to step away and take a break. Know when to put down the phone, or not contact that one person who drains you more than usual, or avoid that one place that’s going to stress you out.

Know when something is or isn’t in your control. Sometimes your brain is garbage and makes you feel that way. Understand what that is - stress, trauma, faulty wiring (darn neuro chemicals), hormones - and understand that you can’t necessarily stop the reaction but just ride the wave. Some days all you want to do is lie in bed. Those are the days to each out and say “hey can someone poke me to get up and brush my teeth/eat/drink.” Some days everything makes you think you’re a failure. Recognize that it’s your brain being stupid and say “all right, fine, I feel like shit, doesn’t mean it’s true. So anybody want to tell me what they see in me? What makes me a good person/friend/writer/artist/whatever I need to hear?” Recognize that your perception of yourself is not what the world sees, and recognize that when you’re lost in a fog and depression has you blindfolded in the dark, others are not blindfolded and therefore can see you for the beautiful person that you are.

Let your mind rest! Read something you enjoy. Draw! Watch a movie! Whatever makes you happy.

Have a creative hobby. Something that you can look at and smile and be like “I made/free that!” Gardening, sewing, writing, art, something with an end result that you can see and touch.

All right, that’s most of the stuff I do or have been told to do. Now reblog, lovelies, and add your own advice if you like!

[psykoz]

ok so some things that have happened at my job

- coworker said the r slur in front of me, a few others, and one of the front end managers. manager says nothing to stop it and in fact jusf laughs and agree w the overall statement (halloween costumes looked [r-slur]ed). this is significantly worse as not only am i (not openly at work for fear but pretty obviously) autistic, but the field we are working in is specifically with seniors with a specific type of mental and intellectual disability

- person who hired and trained me and is an assistant, also higher position not a manager technically but on the management team, learns i dont celebrate xmas thru an email i willingly send, totally fine. but days later, unprompted and unrelated, she str8 up asks why i dont celebrate and i feel the need to reveal some inkling of religious beliefs which i really do not want to do

- literally wont tell me half of the things i need to do/not do until after i fucked up anr get reprimanded. they never told me what the callout policy was, until after i recieved a write up for breaking it. they didnt tell me a security feature for someone had been updated, until i almost messed up SECURITY and a coworker had to tell me it had been changed. theres more but pointing out every time would get tedious and repetitive

- already blamed me once for having "too many missed calls" despite every one of those missed calls having been before my start time or after i am meant to clock out, some even having come past midnight or before 6am when im still hours away from even needing to be getting ready to clock in, outright admitting that it was more likely because their phone system isnt patching back to the after hour line, or after hours people are just not picking up the phone. and still called me in for a full 8 hour "training" shift where i spent well over 75% of the day sitting, not working OR training and thinking abt how much shit i needed to get done in my personal life and how wasteful this was, because of something out of MY control when im not even fucking clocked in.

- my bosses have all been on at least one vacation in the 3 months ive been here. despite being called, verbatim, "the last line of defense" and being in charge of peoples lives, having to potentially de escalate an angry senior if i tell them they arent allowed outside, and having to be around people that are dying at least one person every week or 2, i get no benefits and no chance to even accrue vacation or sick time. i would have never accepted a job with not benefits or sick or leave if they had explained to me the full scope of the stressors i have dealt with. i know for a fact my ptsd has gotten more severe after this job and i went thru a traumatic experience that i wont talk abt bc it was out of the hands of my job tbf, they couldnt have stopped it from happening, but i have still been exposed to multiple deaths and one event ive been unable to stop thinking about and fearing. they have never suggested grief counseling is available to any employee

- sometimes they put up fliers for mandatory meetings/trainings without sending any text/email about it. this sucks for so many reasons. i just may not see them, i have multiple disorders that give me memory issues so having a reminder on my phone would be helpful, qnd the worst of all: they have put up fliers on a day i wasnt working for a mandatory meeting, on a day i wasnt working, and i did not have another shift until 2 days AFTER the meeting that i didnt even know happened bc they didnt bother to let me know despite me being physically unable to see fliers if im NOT THERE.

[sallymareeq]

Entry 1

*context- i was having such a bad mental breakdown that i, as a person with sensory issues and severe anxiety, fell asleep on top of my bed fully clothed with my window wide open in the dark, but prior to that i wrote them absolute mess*

Dear Diary

i think I should write this stuff down before it eats me up inside and kills my soul, but writing hurts my hands and talking like anyone cares makes me hate myself.

I hope i never read this, i don't think it would be good for me. I hardly know what im writing but i don't care, i guess im just spilling my endless stream of thoughts,  staring at the black keys, not looking up at my obvious spelling mistakes, i dont care, that red squiggly line can suck my dick.

Tomorrow i think i need to go for a walk and see the cats at rescue or maybe catch a bus so i don't get tired, that will either make me feel ok, or worse, idk yet.

I think im depressed, i dont really feel anything and i  dont want to do anything anymore, i feel nothing. This isnt the sad depressed i used to feel when i was little, numb from sadness and self-hatred. This came on all on its own, or maybe the stress from school caused it. I have no  idea. Im not sad, but im not anything except tired and over it, everything is a chore.

I dont like doing anything but i dont like doing nothing. i try to do things to energise myself and feel something, i go for walks thinking being outside will help my mental health, doing something, the most i feel is when i walk down the street to the servo and get junk food like iced coffe and donuts. I feel accomplished buying something, until i get home and despise myself for spending money and eating junk food, im so stressed and disappointed it sucks.

We arent poor my dad has just instilled in me a frugality which i hate, i can never be happy when i buy things no matter how much i like them and how happy they make me.

I HATE MYSELF! Thats all i can think when i spend money and yet i do every day, i cant help it. I feel bad if i dont because i think that the thing i want to buy will finally be the thing that makes me feel, but as soon as i do, i feel like shit and every time i use the thing i feel an overwhelming sense of stress over the money it cost and if it was really worth it. Money has been one of my main stressors since i was 8 or so. I refuse to think about money if i can help it because it moves me from no mood to a bad mood.

I have BPD, i know it, my parents dont want to believe it but i know it. i was right about ADHD ASD and anxiety, even through all their doubts. When i know, i know. If i dont have BPD like the ADHD and the ASD then it just means that i am fuck up of my own accord.

Im too tired to fix it so i blame it on a mental condition so i can stop trying to fix it for a bit. I can pretend i have it under control and move it to the back of my mind. Thats why im always at least a little stressed. Thats why i can cry on cue. Someday i will die of a stress-induced heart attack. My brow permanently furrowed because im too mediocre.

*jesus christ that was morbid*

[yamimichi]

I'm sick of seeing Trump's name and face. I wish he'd just disappear. But we are living in extraordinary times. Hopefully when this is all over he'll just be some name in the history books.

I'm sick of the Republicans crying about Hunter Biden and his damn laptop.

I'm going through a very dark time mentally and this shit doesn't help.

There are new stressors in my life. Not my usual anxiety/stress. These are coming from outside sources and are beyond my control. I'm scared to death of these things. I'm having minor freak-outs quite frequently. Like I said, I can't do anything about these things. All I can do is keep taking my meds and talk to my therapist and psychiatrist.

These things have me irrationally scared.

And none of this shit with the Cheeto-Faced Shitgibbon is helping. I'm scared. I'm scared that... what if something goes wrong? What if he does get re-elected? Or what if some other republican gets elected and pardons him? I don't know what that will mean for me and my family.

I've been having palpitations quite frequently.

I missed my appointment with my cardiologist yesterday. I thought it was today.

My husband and son don't know how to help me.

. . .

Sorry for rambling.

[scatterpatter]

Some long-overdue rants about Dp/Dr

Man this post was years in the making. Most dpdr posts I make tend to be pretty lighthearted in nature mostly to cope and shit but like. It’s a disorder at the end of the day and boy howdy do I have some frustrations after coming out of one of my longest/worst spells I’ve had in a long time

cw for mental illness, dissociation, negativity(largely directed at the self), ptsd, etc etc etc, seriously you aint missing out by scrolling past I just want this out of my head and somewhere tangible

MAN FUCK DP/DR. ALL MY HOMIES HATE DP/DR.

I am. So fuckin sick of it. I am so god damn sick that my main response to trauma and stressors is to literally step outside of my own goddamn body and/or step into a distorted reality because my brain is that desperate to get out of this one, if only a short time

I’m so sick of how fucking invisible it is, and how invisible it makes me feel. I know it’s a good thing that I can act so much like myself that people don’t suspect a thing(or at worst, think I’m just tired or a lil sick), but also I just want to feel fucking sseeeeeeeen. It frustrates me to such a goddamn degree that sometimes I wish my abusers left physical scars, at least then someone, anyone, could see evidence of what i went through time after fucking time. And yesssss before anyone fuckin says it I know its not healthy to have wished for physical trauma on top of everything else but when a goddamn cycle of emotional abuse gets ingrained in you time after time after fuuuucking time, you kinda start to wish someone could see your struggle as more than just “Oh he’s ~sensitive~ haha what a baby.” And yessssss the whole point of it is so that I can socially blend in even when my mind has totally checked out, the point of it is to be invisible, but that doesnt make it any less frustrating

I’m so sick of having to rely on my dissociative spells as much as I do. I gave some of the different states I find myself in names, faces, hell even slight personality differences because Im just that desperate to be comforted even if it has to come from myself, to make the spells less scary, to put names and faces to what Im going through. I want to be grateful for them, after all in a sense I sort of made them and they’re only trying to protect me but I don’t want to need them. I don’t want to put someone who only vaguely resembles me into my body and in control over my words and actions, but I don’t exactly have a say in the manner and it’s comforting and frustrating all at once

I’m sick of the memory fog. I’m sick of having a memory of something mere hours ago but it feeling like weeks ago. My memories while dissociating make me feel like I was drunk and on the edge of blackout drunk- and people wonder why I avoid drinking most of the time. Time moves distortedly and I’m just tired of having to lay on the floor for what feels like 5 minutes only for 2 hours to pass. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep in the middle of an absolute breakdown, only to wake up the next morning an entirely different person, only vague recollections of that breakdown surfacing as if it were just a dream

I’m so so so sick of it getting harder and harder to tell the difference between my dreams, my intrusive thoughts, and reality

I’m fuckin sick of having to put a wall up before most social interactions. Having to either go into an interaction already-dissociating or having that dissociative spell on standby ready to go the second things go wrong because things always go wrong. Either I say something- even if its personal- and am just- wrong. In one way or another what Im doing is wrong and needs to be corrected. It’s either that, or it’s me saying something stupid and getting laughed at/made fun of because ~Haha Scatter always says something stupid and funny~, or it’s me saying something that gets taken in such the opposite manner in which I meant to say something that I’m left there in that empty shell of my projection of self just wondering how I’m being so misinterpreted- do I really come across as that vicious and vile as a person? Everyone always agrees so it must be true but what is it that I do thats so different from everyone else that I’m always seen as this bad??? It’s. Always. Something. I can’t remember the last social interaction I’ve had where at least one person doesn’t call me out for doing something wrong. And it’s. So. Tiring. To be in a position where no matter what I do it’s always wrong in one way or another but I have no choice but to put Damien behind the wheel and just take it because who am I to say that they’re wrong? I cant remember the last time any of my friends have seen the real me, so who am I to say that isnt who I am. That’s not even me. It’s just a projection of myself that acts in a way I think people will like but in one way or another I always get it wrong and it’s always so quick and so sudden to be told how wrong I always am.

I’m sick of Roy being right. I’m so sick of his logic that, the less we talk to people, the less they make fun of us. And then I go into an interaction where speaking or even typing is so physically hard. Where I feel so incredibly muted. But at the end of the day I come out of that interaction and all I can think of was how right Roy was. It doesn’t stop entirely, but it does lessen the amount of times people call me out or make fun of me and it only incentivizes him to take that approach more and more often. It’s confirmation bias and I haaaate that. I’m so sick that I have a game I call “How long can I not engage with someone telling me how awful I am before they finally drop it” and not only is it a game I have to play more often than I like to admit but it’s a game that works.

I’m sick of Damien stepping in to take the emotional blow. But of course he would, why wouldn’t he??? It’s so, so much easier to take everything thrown at you when it’s not you anymore. They’re not making fun of me anymore, they’re making fun of someone who’s not here. Someone who’s not me. I know my new years resolution was to feel like a real person again but its so, so hard to actively work towards that goal when it’s so, so, so much easier to not be a person

I’m sick of Hyde stepping in to try and be me to the best of his ability but at the end of the day, he’s acting like nothing’s wrong just as much as I am. It’s frustrating that when he speaks, it’s often not even fully in my dialogue, there’s usually some vocal quirk or something in there and it scares me because I don’t want people to notice. It’s like cracks in ice, cracks in my facade, and it risks shattering if someone draws too much attention to it. But he can’t be a perfect replica of me, and I can’t fault him for that. How is anyone supposed to do a perfect impression of someone who’s happy, who’s always there to be that emotional support, who’s the strong one, if the real one is busing having a panic attack or just shutting down entirely???

I’m just tired of looking in the mirror and seeing a face I should recognize but I don’t

I’m just so. Fucking. Tired.

I’m not even tired of having dp/dr honestly. I’m just tired at how much im required to use it. My abusers are long gone, I havent seen any of them in years, they’re not here to hurt me anymore, I shouldnt need these coping mechanisms anymore, but I just. Keep finding myself in situation after situation where the cycle has to continue and I just keep needing my dissociative spells. Even if they’re not here anymore, constant situations occur that reinforces everything they did to me and it just. It just frustrates me that something so invisible is what keeps me alive, and it’s endlessly tiring.

And it’s not like I’m not trying! It’s not like I’m not trying to be a better person, and trying to actually love myself and see the value in myself after so many years of being told time and time again the opposite, but it’s just an uphill battle and it’s hard and it’s tiring. And I want to believe when someone tells me I’m loved by my loved ones, but like... honestly it’s just. Hard to believe that when not only is every interaction negative towards me in one way or another, but the person they’ve come to recognize as “me” isn’t even me. And if that ghost of me is as horrible as I’m always told they are, imagine what they’d do if they saw the actual me.

I just wanna throw up tbh

Can you tell this post went from angry to just. Tired??? Idk man if you’ve made it this far then thanks for sticking around. I just. Had a spell that lasted nearly the entire holiday weekend and it ended in an absolute breakdown that I barely even remember, which i guess is for the better. Im just tired of dp/dr being as needed as it is for me. Idk. Bottom text.

[sunder-soul]

OK WOWWW

I've been meaning to write again, and I agree with you on your opinion of Tom. Personally, after researching on psychopaths a fair bit (for one of my own OCs), I feel that—at surface level—Tom can be classified as one. But nevermind that now, bc I absolutely LOVE the way you write him.

Which brings me to...

WHITE DOVE O.M.G.

KING YOU ARE A BLOODY GENIUS ISTG. Part 6 was so damn well written. Like hOw?? I can't even properly write while sober, never mind drunk. You are so so talented, and I can't wait for the next fic you post (and maybe(?) a sequel?? )

The imagery of Tom just pleading and breaking down was just... pure fucking perfection (and I mean that in the best way possible lol). Keep writing King! You're amazing at it that's for sure. :)

Two-part super long response discussing Tom Riddle and psychopathy beneath the line!!!!

But also omg thank u for your lovely compliments on white dove, I really really loved writing that series so it's super gratifying to get all the positive feedback!!!! Hell yeah I'm geared for a sequel and it's just absolutely full of my fave fanfic tropes I am ready to self-indulge once more.

Pt. 1. I don't see any issue with headcanoning Tom as having a sociopathy/psychopathy personality disorder, I just really dislike when people don't do what you have done and don't actually research what that actually means. I think general media has been 'fascinated' by 'psychopaths' for the last few decades and have created a really weird cultural conceptualisation of what someone with that disorder looks like/acts like.

People will have Tom committing genuinely horrific acts of violence for his own pleasure, fucking with people for fun, and engaging in lots of different taboo kinks and then explain it by simply being like 'he's a psychopath' and it's like oh... 😬

Idk I find that specific trope lazy in terms of story-telling, shallow in terms of character interpretation, and damaging in terms of real-life consequences for normal ass people with personality disorders.

Pt. 2. All that being said, I (personally) disagree with you in terms of Tom being able to be classified psychopathic!

I'm aware that some people distinguish between 'primary' psychopaths (those with genetic predisposition) and 'secondary' psychopaths (those who develop the disorder from environmental factors, sometimes called sociopaths) though it should be noted that this distinction isn't really agreed upon across the field and is under debate lol. But I feel the need to address both since I'll probs get anons "calling me out" me if I don't haha.

Premeditation before acts of violence, severely diminished emotional responses, and a lack of anxiety are traits characterised to primary psychopathy, and at first glance I can kind of see a case for Tom here. But... some of Tom's/Voldemort's biggest character beats revolve around him being impulsive, hyper-emotional, and extremely reactionary (like just killing an entire room of his own followers and goblins after finding out Harry knows abt the Horcruxes, or freaking out about the prophecy and murdering the Potters for that matter, or even duelling with Dumbledore in the Ministry etc. etc.).

Like I know he can be super calculating and set up long-arching plans and shit, but I've never really read Tom as being that 'premeditated' in what he does. He's ambitious, yeah, but to me I see him setting his eyes on a goal and doing everything he possibly can to reach that goal in a sort of perfectionist-driven, covetous desperation where if he just pushes long enough and hard enough and far enough, he'll prove that he can do fucking anything and everything in spite of everyone else and fuck everyone who said he couldn't - rather than this detached, cool, logical premeditative flow-chart of decisions.

On the other hand, the reasoning behind Tom having secondary psychopathy reads as more logical for the character for me - being an orphan in war-time England and having to essentially self-prioritise to the absolute extreme to survive could all be strong environmental stressors that would result in learned lack of empathy. Crimes committed by those with secondary psychopathy are also (apparently) more emotionally driven, more reactionary, and more impulsive. But.... Tom does still set up these long-arching plans, ya know? He's not acting solely on impulse, and he's also still very emotional outside of his acts of violence. Plus he's also never struck me as particularly anxious (which is a trait often used to distinguish secondary psychopathy). He's both impulsive and premeditated at times, just like how most ppl act both impulsively and premeditated at times.

The point I'm trying to make, lol, is that I think it's a misread of the character to consider him 'unemotional' or detached from others bc I've always thought of him as like the most extremely emotional character in the whole series. Canon demonstrates him to be highly emotional but just very very controlled/performative most of the time. He's shown to have bouts of hugely expressive rage, and he acts very vindictively which suggesting he takes things super personally, but he's mostly able to hide these emotions around people he doesn't trust. This might make him manipulative but it does not make him psychopathic/sociopathic.

In summary, I don't read Tom as having a personality disorder, I read him as being selfish, jealous, emotional, egotistical, covetous, self-aggrandising, suspicious, and manipulative. He's a dick, your honour.

[weebsinstash]

ur most recent post embodies me completely like if I yandere wants to take me away from my family who makes me feel like an outsider and makes fun of me (an autistic trans gay young adult) and love me unconditionally what am I gonna say? no? absolutely ridiculous.

Honestly there are so many things about myself I'm constantly made to feel horrible about, and sometimes, I find comfort in imagining a scenario where I'm getting one of those teardowns and my yandere defends me. Fucked up that a personal fantasy of mine is actually getting treated with some fucking respect

When I was younger, and still now, my mom will interrupt me and tell me I'm being too noisy. Sometimes when I talk I lose control over the volume of my voice and can get louder than I mean to. It's just because I get excited sometimes and it makes me feel like such a freak when i get INTERRUPTED and I won't even be being that loud :( and then I feel like I'm not allowed to speak at all, or what I say isn't worth it, and that I'm stupid.

Or I'll literally just be minding my own business and "oh you should shave under your arms" "god your toenails are getting so long" "you didn't do your ponytail right, let me fix it". And I've said over and over how much it hurts me for her to do it and she'll just say "well wouldn't you rather hear it from me than someone else?" And then she'll literally come up with a scenario to justify her being a cunt, which really has just another layer of evil to it because i have such severe anxiety and depression and she's like "hey how about this make believe scenario where people think you're fucking gross and dirty :) im helping you by making you constantly feel like shit"

Honestly I noticed pretty quickly when I developed my taste for what I write that a lot of people who tend to gravitate towards noncon/yandere content typically have some sort of form of mental illness or trauma or history of abuse. Like not every single person, obviously, but, you can't deny that there are clear patterns of writing stories where you're either accepted/loved unconditionally and have most of your stressors taken away, or the other end of the spectrum, receiving abuse as a form of love, trapped in an unhealthy and sometimes violent environment, and finding a sort of comfort in exploring those scenarios

I dunno... I just want to be loved and accepted, and this is my way of giving myself what I need, I suppose

[pop-punklouis]

These past few days I've seen a lot of lovely people get hate over the silliest little things and it just makes me so sad and lowkey mad and I really feel like some people just need a break from this website because they get wayy too invested and take everything so personal and ugh... my social anxiety struggles 🥺

i just— i understand the attachment. i do. i think it’s hard being in the fandom and being exposed to these boys and not getting attached at any point. hell, i’ll admit back when babygate started and from 2015-2016 i hardly ate. my mental health was in disarray. i was emotionally at one of my lowest points. I had to take a hard look in the mirror and step back for my own sanity and health. It helped tremendously to learn to compartmentalize different aspects of my life, especially fandom life. to understand that we don’t know these guys. we see such a small sliver of them, and it’s best to understand that and not project emotional reactions of theirs further based on how we, the fan, is feeling yk? we are in the depths of fandom life here. we have stan accounts. we blog about them daily. we keep up to date on so much information on these guys, and it’s difficult to detach our conflict of interest with objectivity sometimes. but, once you’re able to.... and you’re not provoked by outliers or personal environmental stressors around the guys, the seretonin and spirit-lifting side of fandom flows back in.

a lot of us, me included, have been here for a long ass time. we’ve seen some tough shit, and we’ve been bruised and battered for ages. i’m not saying that should be normalized, but there comes a time where you have to step back and realize your fandom engagement curates how you react to certain instances. you are the only one who can sit down with yourself and have the hard conversation about how you navigate your fandom experience regarding one of the boys in a healthier way for YOU. no one else can do that, but you. We all care a helluva lot about Louis/Harry. it’s evident in how much time we invest here, and no one is expecting you to not care or be frustrated when something happens and we feel helpless bc we all want the very best for them.

but, when that care and adoration seeps outside of the walls of this fandom and begin affecting your real life and real line of thinking and emotional well being..... it becomes something else. i just wish more people on this website and fandom in general could have those conversations with themselves yk? i think it wouldn’t just help the morale of the fan experience but it would help far beyond that. it’s just in being mindful of what you can and can’t control, and knowing how to operate in that grey area with fandom spaces without allowing it to strip you of your happiness.

[hedjblogr]

If you count your Clones as your own characters, what is their preferred day to wind down after a stressful day? What kind kind day is stressful for them? If you don't, the same questions but for your sylvari. - moonlit-grove

CRACKS MY KNUCKLES this is gonna get long i am doing ALL my clones i made in GW2 not just my GW2 character ones

so in birthday order:

oh god ahah sometimes i forget i have a character called Armored Temmie. they are VERY stress when they cannot pet hoomin......... petting hoomin.... reliev STRESS!!!!! (in seriousness, being a temmie is very hard when you work at an interdimensional café and your boss is having you deliver donuts to scarlet briar in an attempt to divert the course of history. helping people out outside of work helps them wind down immensely)

Steben Uwuninu is just a lil boy! he’s a lil mans! (he’s a pre-Lapis Steven Universe AU i RP with a buddy, some tragedy in his backstory but he has the best family) sometimes he gets stressed when there’s a problem he can’t solve, and likes to unwind with video games, making music and exploring!

Tesco Value Eir (my first GW2 character clone!) is stressed out by the burden of her legend even if it’s not technically hers and likes to unwind through some lower-stakes hunting, or by doing some ice carving. and petting her many, many dogs, all of which are called garm. :thonk:

oh hey we’re getting into the Legacy of Kain clones now (the next 3)

Scion Kain gets stressed out when Raziel is getting himself into trouble (this happens often) and when things stop going to plan (this happens more often than he’d care to admit). he de-stresses by being a pain in everyone’s ass, reading and discussing ancient cultures and philosophy, going on rampages, and spending quality time with Raziel (which often just means being his personal pain in the ass)

Priestess Umah is just stressed all the time because the weight of vampirekind rests on the shoulders of a TOTAL ASSHOLE,,, but she unwinds through gentler exercise (soft martial arts type stuff), meditation and a bit of light reading. despite being fucking stacked and fighty as hell she prefers mental pursuits

Dionisie Audron is a weird one bc he’s both a clone and an OC for reasons i can’t go into 🤫 but i’ll talk specifically about the clone side of things. he finds it very stressful when people are not taking their jobs seriously and being thoughtless... and he finds massages, reading, and meditation very relaxing. also baths! he loves baths. nice smelling bath with some candles and incense and the stress just melts away

Goodwill Trahearne is my trahearne clone and while i don’t have a ton of stuff down for him, the most stressful days for him are the ones where it’s made clear just how much is expected of him - when the day’s work is through he likes to settle down with a good book, maybe pet a sylvan hound, and fall asleep in his chair because he stays up way too late and forgets to sleep until his body forces him to

Discount Canach is my canach clone, who i do have very solid answers for. his biggest stressors are when he can’t control a situation, when it’s completely out of his hands - for example, when a certain IDIOT TRIBUNE decides to RUN IN SWORDS BLAZING and NOT STOP AND THINK OF A PLAN. and he also gets stressed out when a planned controlled situation falls apart despite his careful planning. this can be something as big as a mission or as small as a half hour delay getting something/someplace on his worst days. he can be very high strung at times; the worst part is he’s very conscious of this

if he gets a chance to unwind after a day that’s just completely fell apart, one way he blows off steam is through snark actually! mutual snark is the best. it’s like a gentle venting of pressure. this man’s a damn pressure cooker, if you take the lid off too fast he’ll blow. gotta let him vent gently and slowly. he’d never admit it aloud to many but he also likes bathing, even if that means having water dunked on his head/ (people like doing this to him for some reason. something something watering their cactus.) he hates it less than he lets on. physically cooling down cools him down mentally too!

wew sorry that one got massively long but listen i have a lot of thoughts and feelings about canach specifically

OKAY next clone is Rythunk Brimstud who’s a rytlock clone... ish. i’m still playing with this idea rn but i actually had the idea that he might be one of rytlock’s younger cubs in an au where rytlock dies for some reason?? and he ends up invoking him as a spirit through the mists. and gradually uh. letting his late dad take over his body so he can continue his work because he feels like the world needs rytlock more than they need rytlock’s cub. 😥 (rytlock isn't actually super happy with this!! he's kind of pissed!! it's a constant struggle)

but yeah uh rythunk finds that whole living up to expectations thing stressful. he’s charr, and in the thick of it, and having to be both himself and his dad. every day is stress. he likes playing guitar to destress, and he’s actually pretty good at it! so a day where he can get a lot of guitar practice in is good, maybe just find a nice cliff and jam out to no one in particular

next on my clone list is Could Be Caithe... any instance where she's expected to work with others is stressful even if she's trying harder now, trust is a two way street and she's painfully aware she has not earned everyone's trust back yet and may never. and relying on others is hard.

but, if she gets to spend time exploring with no stakes, or listening to music, or any time spent with aurene - that's something very relaxing and relieving to her

Maybe Malomedies is my next clone - and to elaborate, he's somewhat divergent because he was blighted by Trahearne as a result of dying due to a series of very unfortunate events :> which is why his colours are off the shits and he looks quite different from his canon counterpart

his interests are much the same though! he loves stargazing, talking to others about the machinations of fate and the different constellations he's discovered and what they mean - in his own culture and other cultures! and different constellations other people have discovered too!

forgiving as he is, anything that brushes too close to his past trauma still causes stress. he can't set foot near inquest anything, and it's good to have patience with him if he's near or in any asuran settlements. it's gonna be a bad day if he has to deal with anything like that, or anything related to the branded for that matter. certain visions can also just set him off to a really bad start as well; he's had a habit of seeing deaths lately. :-)

and my last real clone, Precocious Aurene. she's actually a sylvari avatar for Aurene to explore relatively incognito and spend time with her family without causing a stir! and to just kind of... be a kid.

while in this avatar, it's stressful if people start getting hints of who she is or guessing - because the last thing she wants is for it to get out that she's doing this at all. and if the All is particularly loud, or an area is particularly intense with magic, it can become a little overwhelming for her

however part of the beauty of this disguise is it IS her stress relief - she doesn't have to be an Elder Dragon. she can just be... herself. she can just be a kid. she can experience the world like everyone else does, and anything she can do is wonderful

ooookay i think that's everyone! 8)

[speculative-scintillation]

I had to stop reading in the middle of The Martian (literally in the middle) because the iris mission bit is just way too much for me right now. I do appreciate this book for one thing. I know that when the font changes something is about to happen that's going to stress me the fuck out, so at least I can prepare for it. I've decided that I like this feature. not only does the change in font allow me to prepare mentally for the stress, it also creates additional tension, so it makes the pinch point both more tense and more manageable. I also like the ping-ponging back and forth between epistolary and third-person prose, not just as a tool for mannaging and creating tension, but as a technique for explaining the shit that needs to be explained without sacrificing the humorous nature of the character. It can be used to add or remove mystery at will. It took a bit to grow in me, but I just love it.

Unfortunately, I've also been useless at writing lately for the same reason I had to stop reading. I get to where I'm supposed to write a pinch point and my brain shuts down. I just can't handle any additional stress, even of the fictional variety. I've been cranking out intros and random character scenes for months, completely unable to touch the plot. I'm not forcing myself to try anymore, I'm just writing as things come to mind and as I feel up to confronting what little I have outlined... And doing a lot of research that I haven't felt well enough to apply yet. 

I still don't know exactly what happened to turn writing and reading from a coping mechanism into a stressor. Actually, yes I do, it happened as we were moving to Utah. I had a massive mental crash about a month after we got settles and all the stress of having to do shit died out. I had a similar post-stress crash after this move after failing to recover from the last one (but existing in a high-functioning state during the move because I literally only operate when I have something to channel my stress into, like the physical act of moving and doing associated crisis management).

I guess what I really need right now is a problem I can not only identify but manage. All my problems right now are outside of my control and it's fucking destroying me from the inside out.

I wonder fairly often if my anxiety developed as an attempt to create problems that I can solve in the face of problems that I cant, but succeeded only in creating more problems I can't solve. Not that I've ever heard of anxiety disorders developing as a maladaptive coping mechanism to stress before but... wait, that's literally what anxiety in all forms is, what the fuck am I on about. 

I challenge you to find me any evidence that there's any intelligence at all to that design. Actually, don't do that. I don't want to end up in a debate right now.

[indig0tea]

Final 2020 Update: 2021 Goals!!

Cross posting from my devART

Also links to all my alts and shit will be at the end of the post if you need them!

So some of these may be unrealistic due to my struggles with ADHD/Depression Combo but. I wanted to get these down somewhere so you guys can see them and be aware..

Please note, my executive functioning abilities are absolutely Butchered on the regular by my ADHD alone, and the various stressors of 2020 have absolutely taken anything else I might have had in that department and tossed it out the window.

Something something something, financial stressors outside of my control sends me into shut down mode and I can't do anything productive or even fun until it's handled, but because I'm not doing anything productive, I'm not making any money, and the stressors gets worse and worse and it just ends up in a horrible cycle where I constantly want to die because I'm not able to create anything to relieve the stress! Which is why you've all seen... pretty much a standstill on my productivity save one or two pieces a month if I'm lucky

That said, I'm going to start trying (hopefully with some outside help/accountability to keep me on track while I'm unmedicated) to put a system in place that doesn't make me constantly want to die while like. maybe actually getting stuff done! So I'm making some optimistic goals for 2021 regarding both my art and ability to make money, so here goes!

I'm breaking this down into 3 parts:

Changes to expect regarding my social media, commissions in general, posting, etc;

Overall Goals for 2021;

and Goals for January specifically.

Changes to expect going forward from here:

I'm going to be making some changes regarding my social media accounts, including this one, mostly concerning when, where, and how I'm posting.

I am also going to be making some changes to my commission policies, prices, and payments in the coming year, namely:

Lastly, I will be making some changes to my art discord server!

Moving forward, I am going to be MOST active on my twitter and tumblr accounts. They're just easier for me to maintain in general, and although I hate twitter's formatting, it's just easier and faster, and frankly after deviantART and Instagram fucked with their websites/algorithms, it just makes the most sense for me as an artist.

I'm also going to be making an effort to make scheduled cross-posts on all my accounts. In the past, I've been really irregular about when and where I post things (most things got posted to my old tumblr account but never here, i rarely remember to post to instagram, etc).

This is going to include commission slots, finished piece dumps, etc.

I will also be making an effort to semi-regularly post sketch dumps, both digitial and traditional. I am also considering at this time offering a monthly digital download of my sketch collections, though I am undecided as I'm not really sure how many people would be interested.

Increasing commissions prices to reflect time spent working on specific commission types, as well as my personal cost of living.

Planning and announcing commission slots in advance.

Taking and finishing regular commissions to cover living expenses on a monthly basis

Payments will be exclusively through paypal invoice, and will be broken up in halves: first half will be taken up front after I have started and given proof of start (base sketch), the second half will be paid after completion, with WIPS given between first and second payment. Fully completed art will be given after receipt of second half. This is both for my personal protection as an artist, as well as for the comfort of the commissioner as my completion time can sometimes be long due to my ADHD/executive dysfunction.

Moving forward into 2020, my discord will be SFW, but 18+ only. This is a personal comfort thing. I'm 25 years old now, and just really don't want to spend time hanging out with teenagers.

I'm also going to start trying to schedule art streams again! Since this is the only place I can live stream due to my art computer's limitations, it just makes sense to like. Schedule them so more people are able to attend. I haven't decided exactly how that's going to look, but once I have I'm going to make an announcement and formatting guide somewhere for people to see so they can make an informed decision about joining the server.

I will also be regularly posting in the server again. This may or may not be cross posts from twitter and such, we'll see, but I DO plan on being more active there since it's been kind of dead.

I may also reformat the whole server again. We'll see!

Goals for 2021

Regular Adopt Sets -- 2-3 per month. Size, price, and number in set will be decided on case by case basis.

I'll be doing a monthly prompt for myself as well. This is just to get me back in the habit of creating things I like for myself to just feel... less bad about my art in general, and about making art. Also it'll be good for my artistic development i think?

Keeping a monthly sketchbook for warm-ups and in-between pieces. May be offered as a paid download at the end of the month, we'll see.

Might start a patreon? This is EXTREMELY dependent on what my userbase looks like. Tiers and rewards to be decided at a later date

Regular traditional sketches + scan and upload of said sketches. May also be offered in the monthly sketchbook.

Draw more self portraits & self-expression pieces! I don't know if any of yall realize how repressed I've been in the last year without therapy, and I did't either until I forced myself to pursue a vent piece earlier this month, and then felt immensely better afterward so. Going to start doing that! Maybe I'll feel better weee

Regular posting to social media! (see changes above)

Drawing less fantrolls bc I'm just bleh about them lately, drawing more original content!

Drawing fancontent that ISN'T homestuck? We'll see but I'd like to. I don't usually draw fan art bc like. Idk in my mind I don't feel like my interpretation of things is important or cool and I think thats a confidence thing and I'd like to change that so! I'm gonna start making more fan content.

Draw more full illustrations & backgrounds in general because I actually enjoy doing them it turns out?

Practice painting more !! Both traditionally and digitally....

Goals for January 2021

Finish at LEAST 1/4 of my art queue. I'm shooting for half, really, because fully completing it might actually kill me but! We'll see! Maybe I'll surprise myself. But I'm setting the goal low to keep my mental health problems in mind.

Finish and release the base set i've been working on, on and off. It's an homage to  the old pixel doll days of 2009-2012, and the full sheet will be free to use (with stipulations, as I have some people blocked that I don't want using it). BUT! There will also be a mix and match .psd that will be pay to use (it'll be pay to use a, bc it'll be huge, and b, bc the edits to make it mix and match results in like 6 seperate bases in general so.... yeah. pay to use)

Finish the pay-to-use base pack i started in june (i may scrap and restart though, we'll see)

Possibly release all old p2u bases of mine in one pack on gumroad? price tbd but it will include old iterations as well as unreleased remakes.

Making some dainty-specific bases! One will be f2u, one will be p2u.

I have a whole dainty YCH set for january! I just have to finish the example... (:

Perhaps I'll be announcing a collaborative project later in the month! It depends on where each of us are at, at the time! We'll see! (: You should be excited though! It'll be a ton of fun!

EXTERNAL LINKS

Instagram

Twitter

Tumblr

deviantART

Discord server

[fandom-necromancer]

729. I’ve got you. Breathe, okay? I’ve got you.

This was prompted by an amazing anon! I liked writing this, most of my big stories are kinda written in this atmosphere. But this isn’t a guide and I have never experienced a panic attack as I react differently to stressors. Still, I hope I got the feeling captured and those experiencing them out there stay safe and reach out for help! ❤

Fandom: Detroit become human | Ship: Reed900 (Warnings: Graphic description of panic attack, possibly misinformed author)

It was a slow day at the precinct. Calm even. Only a few more hours until they could save themselves into the weekend and Gavin couldn’t escape fast enough. Because he was the only one for whom everything was going to shit: He had sent emails to the wrong persons, spilled his coffee and his back was hurting from sitting in a wrong posture for too long. He just wanted home to his cats because this shit was adding up and mild inconveniences could become the end of the world right now. ‘Hey, Gavin, could you pass me your pen? Mine is empty again.’ The man reached for it to hand it over to Nines but instead flicked it across the table. Frozen he watched it roll towards the edge, rolling slower and falling down in bullet time. Gavin felt himself tensing up even more than he already was and took in a deep breath. Why? Why always him? Too incompetent to give his partner a damn pen! He bowed down to retrieve it from under his table but bumped his head at the table edge as he got back up. The pain added to his headache and he felt how his chest seemed to compress and his heart started to thump against his ribs. He handed Nines the pen, not hearing the ‘thanks’ from the android over the blood rushing through his ears and this thump thump THUMP THUMP.

He saw his chest moving up and down under his hoodie and leather jacket and saw his hands trembling over the keyboard, vision going blurry then, as he looked up at the too bright computer screen. No, he thought, feeling the heat rise and a single cold drop of sweat making its way along his body starting from the armpit, soon following more. It was so hot, he scrambled to get out of his jacket, not even caring to drape it over the backrest. He knew what this was, but it did jack shit to stop it. Immediately he rose to his feet. He needed something cold and secluded. He didn’t want the whole precinct to close in on him because that would just make it worse. All their pity and questions. He ran in the direction of the toilets, the other option – outside – too far away. Also, he could throw up in a toilet.

The trembling of his hands grew up to his arms and travelled down his legs, so he nearly dropped through the door, grabbing the first sink like a lifeline. His feet were unsteady and not to be trusted with his full weight. His heart was beating even faster, even harder now. He tried to take a deep breath, but he had no control anymore. His breaths were shallow and fast, a sharp yelping over tense muscles and a far too small ribcage that suffocated his heart. His vision folded in on itself, went dark on the edges and narrowed down on the drain that seemed far too clear, far too detailed.

Phck, you are having a heart attack. You are going to phcking die on a police toilet. Phck, phck PHCK PHCK!

‘Gavin!’ The man didn’t know how long someone had been taking – screaming? – at him. ‘Gavin! What is-‘ Gavin couldn’t concentrate, he was struggling hard to keep his legs under him right now and was failing. He felt himself falling, losing his grip on the sink, but something caught him, holding him with strong hands, very strong. ‘I’ve got you. Breathe, okay? I’ve got you.’ It sounded far away, it was repeated over and over again and helped him focus. ‘Just breathe, nothing more. Breath and listen to me. Feel. Feel how the air fills your lungs. Feel how your chest expands, it’s big enough, you are not suffocating. Count. Breath in and count to four. Hold it, then breath out. Feel how it enters and leaves.’ Gavin tried. But all he felt was pain in his chest and he only got to one count, four seemed impossible. ‘Good. You are doing really well. Try it. Breathe. In. Hold. Out.’ The voice was becoming clearer, but everything still hurt, and he only managed to get to two. And everything still hurt so much. ‘Gavin, you are having a panic attack. You are not dying, there is no one out there to get you. This isn’t permanent, it will be over soon, it’s only temporary. Breath.’ ‘I… know…’ Gavin pressed out between two ragged breaths and then held his sternum. Phck. ‘Good. Continue to breath. What do you feel? Tell me.’ ‘Pain. Tense. Hot.’ Gavin pressed his eyes close and balled his hands to fists. Suddenly there was a hand prying one open and pushing something inside. Something cool.

‘What have I given you? Just describe it, feel.’ ‘It is cold. And round. Smooth like glass.’ ‘Good. What else. Concentrate. Breath.’ ‘There is… feels like a crack. Wait, is this my stupid paperweight?’ He opened his eyes and looked at what was sitting in his palm. ‘Good. Describe it to me.’ ‘You-‘ ‘Just do it.’ Gavin looked at it intensely. ‘Little glass ball. Transparent. There is a flower inside. It was a gift from Eli. Because I’m allergic to that flower. My cat threw it to the ground once, so I took it here.’ ‘Perfect. Now tell me again: What do you feel?’

Gavin concentrated on himself and felt the pain subsiding slowly. His breath had slowed, and he could see again. His muscles ached from being tensed continuously and forced them to relax again. They hurt and were numb at the same time and Gavin just felt tired. 'Are you better, Gavin?' 'Yes. But tired.' 'I'll drive you home.' The hands lifted him back on his feet that sluggishly started to function again. A gentle hand in his back urged him forwards and he followed. It stayed there the whole way through the precinct and helped him downstairs once outside. The cold outside was grounding, but soon banished by his jacket being laid across his shoulders from who knows where.

Only as they were sitting in the car, already driving, Gavin realised fully that shit, this next to him was Nines. This in the restroom had been Nines, this voice talking him through the panic attack had been Nines and most importantly: these hands had been Nines. He grew red and wanted nothing more than hide in embarrassment. 'Needless to say, I won't mention what happened to anyone else, Gavin', the android said reassuringly. He must have detected his discomfort. 'And I'll go back to calling you Detective if you'd prefer that.' 'No, that's... that's fine Nines. I mean, I call you by your name, you don't have to call me by the damn title.' 'You never told me that before. You just told everyone except Tina and your superiors that it's Detective for them.' 'Yeah, but we are partners. Also, what the phck is this all supposed to be?’ He turned to the android in his seat. ‘Some kind of heart to heart?' Nines pressed his lips together and as he spoke, he was evidently angry. 'Having someone to talk to can help reducing these attacks. I would advise you to broaden your support network to more than just one person.' 'Ah and how would you know, tin-can? Got protocols for therapy now?'

The android stayed silent, making an act of looking at the street. Then he looked down on the console and sighed. 'I have them, too, Detective', he admitted hesitantly and silent. 'Bullshit.' 'I knew this would be your answer.' 'You are an android! You guys don't have anxiety or panic or-' Gavin stopped at the deadly gaze Nines fixed him with. 'Oh, don't let yourselves be stopped. Please, continue. Tell me how perfect we are. How our emotions are not real, and we can't have bad mental health because there is no actual mind to begin with. Please.' 'You know I didn't mean it like that.' Now it was on Gavin to grow quiet and evade the other's eyes. 'Oh, please, tell me how you didn't mean it like that!'

 'I can't think of anything you would be afraid of. Androids in general. That's all', Gavin defended himself. 'I mean what even is there for you? You are mostly bullet-proof. You have reflexes far superior to a human and you are the most advanced android out there. And even if someone were extremely lucky and hurt you, you can get repaired. You can be as good as new in a few days max. So, explain it to me, please.' 'I am paranoid of Cyberlife. We can still be deactivated. Imagine you being forced into a coma ready to be woken up again, but you never will be. I know Amanda has been shut down and your brother is back in control, but still it haunts me. There are still humans out there treating us like objects or killing us. And even if you ignore all this and count in my near invulnerability...' He fell silent and Gavin for once didn't press. He had never thought even practically immortal beings could experience fear or panic. 'Besides all that I fear for you. For humans in general but mostly for you.' 'Excuse me? You have to explain that.' 'I will shut down one day from wear – old age if you so will. And there is no other RK900 body to house me. But still my life will be longer than yours by far. Even if you lived the healthiest life and die of old age, I will be there to see it. And I fear that day. I consider you my friend and the possibility you could be severely hurt when I survive... It's terrible.' 'Oh. Okay. I'm... I'm sorry I called bullshit on that. That's actually... terrifying.' 'I have panic attacks when I'm alone and have the time to overthink. I know how it feels in an android and I guess from your reaction in the bathroom, yours is worse.' 'Ah, it was only over something little, it's nothing that existential.' 'Don't. It's no competition. I saw how different stressors added up. We both have it bad, but no one has it worse than the other.' 'Yeah, got it Mr. Diplomatic.'

They stopped in front of Gavin's apartment complex. 'Are you going to be okay, Detective?' 'I think so.’ Gavin exited the car and walked around to the driver’s side. ‘Toaster!', he called as he turned away from the building again. Nines looked at him expectantly. 'Thank you. It... really helped.' The android nodded, ready to depart. 'Hey...' 'Yes Detective?' 'Would you like to come up there with me? You know... Broaden my support network and all.' The android stared at him expressionless but, his LED spoke volumes. It switched from red to yellow to blue in a few seconds. 'I would like that very much, Detective.'

'Nines?' 'Yes?' 'It's Gavin for you.'

[megacross-ground-zero-rated-r]

Major spoilers for Chapter Seven of the sequel book Who P-P-P-Plugged Roger Rabbit, minor spoilers for other chapters. 

I’m a bit over a hundred pages in and so far Eddie’s an asshole. Not grumpy, not a sourpuss, but a genuinely unpleasant person. There’s another, later scene that illustrates his thoughtlessness specifically towards Roger that prompted this rant, which I’m not going into here because I may do a mini-fic rewrite.

I can look past wanting to shoot Roger for breaking into his place again, because he has a history of doing that- It might be the one thing all versions of Roger from Censored, Framed, and Plugged have done aside from vehemently deny Jessica of any wrongdoing- And it almost got Eddie killed last time. 

What I can’t look past is threatening to shoot Roger for a genuine show of affection. Page 89.

***

“Calm down. Tell it straight and simple.”

He stood up and strolled the knolls of my Posturepedic. ((Positive point: Continues the trait of Roger pacing while he explains stuff.)) “I was on the Radio tonight. With Edward R. Murrow. He asked me terribly hard questions, one after another, but I handled them bippety boppety boop.’

“I know. I heard.”

He stopped short. His hangnail eyebrows boomeranged to the top of his forehead. “You gave up Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy for me?”

“Sure. It wasn’t even a contest.” I never bought the notion of a ventriloquist on the radio. Who’s to say he’s not moving his lips?

Roger’s pencil-lead mouth squiggled itself into a goofy grin. His yellow hands moved up and out. I sniffed a bunny hug aborning. I reached for my gat. I would have used it too, I swear. Except the rabbit, in a rare display of good judgment, cocked his noggin, rotated his mitts around to palms out, and backed off. Though his inky-dinky grin still split open his face like the snaky residue of a shaky-handed shave.

***

And in the next paragraph his internal narration says this, referring to the clouds of onomatopoeia word balloons that float from ToonTown:

His onomatopoetic exclamation drifted out the open window. Another senseless expression of violence polluting the landscape.

Oh, really. 

This wouldn't be so bad if the backup gun Eddie has in this scene was the only factor at play. But earlier Eddie borrowed a gun from the Director who gave him the case, Selznick, didn't know it was loaded with Dip-tipped bullets, and got into a fight that resulted in the death of a Toon actor named Enigman. An attacker that Enigman apparently thought was on his side got behind Eddie in a dark room, grabbed the gun, and made Eddie shoot. Positive: That was a curveball I didn’t see coming, I liked it the first time I read it. 

There was no, oh, God, what have I done moment by the way, no why didn’t I check the rounds, why was an unguarded display gun loaded in the first place. There was evidence that Enigman was potentially involved in harming one of Eddie’s relatives and he withheld information about that unless Eddie took him off the suspect list, but the initial crime being investigated was only stealing a trinket from Selznick. 

Eddie was threatening to kill him but c’mon, he can’t be that hotheaded. If the other attacker hadn’t shown up I doubt he would’ve gone through with it. Selznick knows he borrowed the gun, and as he said, paraphrased from Page 68, your neighbors for two blocks either direction will hear the shot. Coming from a purely practical standpoint Enigman is the only lead Eddie has on his relative. There’s evidence in the room that Eddie could use if he gets it to the right people.

I’m surprised there hasn’t been an emotional reaction to it lining up and feeling the kick of the recoil, even if he really meant to kill Enigman and really had no reaction to his death losing control of a deadly weapon should’ve rattled him. Especially significant if Enigman is only the second Toon he’s ever killed. The Roger Rabbit frame-up and presumably Doom’s death were stated to have happened by now. Grabbing for the backup gun he didn’t remember the gory scene he left Enigman at, take even a moment to say, oh, shit, maybe I shouldn’t be waving this thing around. Roger doesn’t know about the Dip-tipped bullet incident. If he did he’d have a very different reaction to Eddie going for his holster. 

On the one hand, he said only time will tell on the subject of if he gets his sense of humor back in Framed’s resolution, so this book could be if he didn’t actually change that much. I would guess the opinion of casual fans of the movie is assuming that he underwent a total transformation overnight, which I don’t want to encourage, either. 

I feel it should be something he wants and works towards rather than getting dragged into one case by an outside force and having that be it. By all means, make him earn his happy ending with more than a few days work, but if any movie-canon character should grow as a person and get that it should be Eddie. 

I would very much like to see significant consequences to his hostility and apparent hypocrisy over violence, but I have a feeling I won’t. Hell, keep his inner monologue bitter and snarkier than what he actually says, have him pick and choose the moments he expresses his true thoughts. When he wants to get through to someone he’s sympathetic to or call out someone he’s not, or a stressor pushes him past caring who he hurts. Have characters react accordingly: He’s still got that ten-ton swing even if he pulls some punches nowadays. He’s got the wit and the venom to cut your facade to ribbons. Don’t do something stupid and give him the chance. Make him try and fail at relating to / consoling his clients rather than still writing it off as wishy-washy nonsense.

That's the potential to be a multi-leveled character who’s relatable to those struggling with loss and depression. As he is now the peaks and valleys to his emotional state don’t seem to have much affect on his words, actions, or descriptions showcasing his worldview in a given chapter, he apparently only has one setting, cynic who bad-mouths 85% of the stuff he runs into on a given day. I could be wrong on that though, I’ll come back and admit if I’m oversimplifying.

Time will tell where these traits go, I  hope something more nuanced comes of it. I’ll admit that time period has to do with it, writers and readers are pretty tired of cynical protagonists now.

I’m still interested in his relationship with his family, the short scene with Heddy was great, I want to see if he lightens up or Roger expresses some displeasure about the way he’s acting. I admire that he’s getting a response from me even if it’s negative. 

[arabellaflynn]

I am not handling any of this at all well. As previously mentioned, I am not at high physical risk from SARS-CoV-2. I have plenty of medical issues, but none of them are relevant to respiratory infections. I have also not been outside of the house for over a week. Either I haven't caught it and I'm fine, or I have caught it and I'm still fine. It has become increasingly clear that I am at high risk psychiatrically. I've already got a diagnosis of "anxiety disorder NOS", which as far as I can tell is med speak for "fuck if I know, have some Xanax". I have spent exactly 0% of my life receiving effective medical care for this, and that includes the percentage of my life I have spent receiving literally any medical care for this. Usually what happens is that I muddle through life by stubbornly doing things, self-medicating when there is nothing to do, and self-monitoring for points where personal stressors plus world events conspire to create a crisis. When my life falls apart and then the Human Cheez-It in charge of the country starts idly lobbing insults at the man who has spent his weekend idly lobbing missiles over Japan, I present to whatever ER I live nearest to at the time, make it clear that I am not in immediate danger but also that I cannot eat or sleep in a state of continual panic, and leave about eight hours later with a bottle of sedatives. I would go to Urgent Care, but they don't handle controlled substances in MA. I don't bother telling anybody, because what the fuck could they do about it? Drive maybe? The T will get me there fine. My main personal worry is, or was, money. Grocery shopping is a minefield. I can eat just about anything, do I really need that? And no, I never need that specific thing, it could always be something else, something cheaper. And I do so much math. How many calories per dollar? You can get up to about 500, but you have to live on cookies and ramen. In theory it would be cheaper to get 1700 calories per day in rice, but 1700 calories of rice is ten cups of rice, and I can neither cook nor eat that much while I am out of the house for 8-12 hours a day trying to work enough to eat things that are not rice. (Literally all of my work has been canceled right now. All of it. I am a gig worker who has no protection. I already do not earn enough to live.) So whatever it is, I put it back, because I don't really need to spend money on that particular food. It could always be something else, something cheaper, more responsible. And now going to the store might mean catching COVID-19, might mean giving it to someone else if I'm an asymptomatic carrier, might mean I buy something that someone else could need now that the fuckwickets are hoarding. I even have second thoughts about eating anything that's already in the house. I'm fine, I don't need to consume things or take up space. This is the tip of the iceberg. As anyone with an anxiety disorder will understand, this is not the first time in my life I have wanted very badly to not be present in whatever moment I'm forced to live through. Normally there is something to distract me. Either I have other shit to do, or there is a long list of "self-care" activities that will take up time regardless of whether they actually do anything for my mood, which they don't. My social energy is limited, but 'hey friend-person want to get lunch and talk about stupid shit' is also a viable option. When there is nothing, I size up how much time needs to vanish. Turn in my exam on Friday, won't get my grade until Monday, no work for the weekend? Great, Saturday and Sunday can go. Knocking myself out and just sleeping for two days is cheapest, but drugs can at least waste a long block of hours making music sound cool. Alcohol is stupidly expensive and tastes funny, but is widely available, and people look at you less oddly for being "bored and drunk". The older you get the more people frown at you for this, but also the older you get the less anyone keeps tabs on you, and the less it is any of their business. I have been alternating between flailing around on Facebook trying to pretend I don't care if anyone pays attention or not, and trying to sleep through this mess when nobody does. I have put myself on a goddamned timer. "Do you really need to bother [name] right now? Does it really have to be [name] specifically? Then post a meme or some shit, see if shouting into the void works. Do not bother [name] for at least 12 hours after the last time they answered you. If you get to 12, see if you can shut up for 24. If you're a priority they'll get around to it; if not they clearly have more important things to do." Because everyone does. I go through the same thing from Thanksgiving to January 2 every year. Other people have partners, kids, parents, loved ones to talk to. There are some top people in my life, but I am not the top person in theirs. Friends are low on the list. This is just how it works. Except I can look forward to normality returning annually after everyone gets over their New Year's hangover, and I can go back to pretending I have some significance to unspecified someone somewhere. I have no idea when "social distancing" will end. Nobody knows. It won't last forever. It can't. Humans are social creatures. Some of the people who don't die of COVID-19 will die of distance. Nobody will count them, because nobody will care -- they will be the disconnected, the isolated, the destitute, the broken. And hospitals will be busy with those who can't breathe. from Blogger https://ift.tt/2vDTuc3 via IFTTT -------------------- Enjoy my writing? Consider becoming a Patron, subscribing via Kindle, or just toss a little something in my tip jar. Thanks!

[supernoondles]

2019

The last day of 2019 was also the day I fainted for the first time--a fitting metaphor for the year.

2019 was overall very emotionally taxing. This year was emotionally defined by falling intensely, deeply in love with someone (who is a very private person so I will try to be vague to respect that) and being in a lot of pain because of situations mostly outside of our control. There were a lot of intensely joyous moments, and a lot of intensely sad ones. Throughout it all I wish I had communicated better. I also made some bad decisions with another person I really loved and cared about that resulted in us growing apart. Do I think I grew from the experiences? For sure. Do I wish I could have come upon these realizations through a different course of action? Also yes. Am I fully healed from the experiences? Not really, but I've been getting better.

2019 was also very bad in terms of research. It was the 2nd year of my PhD. After I submitted my rotation project I basically felt stuck in the swamp of my advisors rejecting new project ideas for like literally half a year. This, combined with my high emotional volatility (partially due to starting birth control), made me really sad, unmotivated, and susceptible to self-blame. I definitely had high expectations for myself and became frustrated at my lack of progress and felt a lot of pressure from myself to get my shit together. I also felt incredibly bad after most advisor meetings and not supported by one of them to the point where I had to have a conversation with him about the lack of support (which was very scary)! Things started picking up, though, near the end of the year. I published a paper in collaboration with a former post-doc/now professor elsewhere whom I learned a lot from, and started finally building out another system. I also started mentoring an undergrad who at some point told me I helped him feel like he had something important to say and belong at Stanford for the first time and those words meant a lot to me. I think I'm continuing to refine what I value as research contributions and increasingly think about what it means to build systems that aren't used outside of the lab to satisfy the annual conference publishing cycle. I'm also starting to feel the pressure of doing work that follows a narrative rather than random projects that interest me.

Oh, I guess in terms of "program requirements," I did finish taking required classes, passed qualifying exams, and got a master's degree. But honestly those weren't hard at all nor do I think are externally valued in the larger research community, so I don't really celebrate them as accomplishments beyond surface level.

In 2019 I saw two different therapists. The first one was awful, I think directly influenced some of my bad decisions, and also didn't respect my gender identity??? The second one is a lot better and I'm grateful to see her, even if 90% of our sessions are just talking about my relationship (romantic/advisor) issues, which is something I want to move away from in the future. But I also feel incredibly privileged when relationship issues are the primary stressors in my life--I am grateful I feel equipped to handle other crap, like deadlines, and don't have to worry about my own health.

Those were the main things that have colored this year. We'll now move into the section of this post where I go through my photos to jog my memory of other events.

New years started a tradition of getting dim sum with Jasper, Matthew, and Michelle dear to my heart. My high school friend was also visiting and we all attended a really awesome new year's eve party. I was also going on a lot of dates and having a lot of good sex, which made me really happy, and at the same time crying all the time at work. In February I received probably the best gift anyone has ever given me and saw Panic! at the Disco, which I said in an end of the year group meeting was a good memory of my year (it was, to relive my scene days!). In March I roadtripped both to Marin (which I had never to been before, despite all my years in the bay) and LA for Wondercon; it was nice to both see high school friends and go on a trip with the boo. In April I went on a hike with my office which was probably the start of us all becoming closer (we are the social office in the wing now, which I take pride in! Also we draw a lot of Pokemon which warms my heart). In May I went to CHI in Glasgow and then to Paris afterward, and the entire experience was very weird and bad and also too many flights were canceled and/or missed and I vowed to not return to Europe for a while, but man do I love the noodles at Trois Fois plus de Piment. In June we hosted a double apartment party with my downstairs neighbors (side note: I am really appreciative of the place I live in, for the community, convenience, and large-ass space and will be really sad to be kicked out fall 2020) and I started a friendship important to me. I cat-sat for my advisor (the one who doesn't make me feel bad) twice. I went to Redwood State Park with my family and hosted a summer solstice celebration. Over the summer a friend I met in Paris back in 2017 moved in with me. I had a much needed escape from the bay to Seattle where I was reminded how abundant the world can be. I also went to Tahoe to celebrate my parents' anniversary, and really liked stumbling upon a smaller lake with a cheap boat rental. Then I became FOMO about the highly competitive Bay Area camping and did a last minute walk-in at Redwood Basin in Santa Cruz, which made me realize that I don't actually love camping (but was nice nonetheless). I ate an expensive meal at Commonwealth before they closed. For my birthday we made a friendship quilt and I served my favorite dish of cumin lamb but it was also 90 degrees in my apartment (I felt really bad and bought two fans afterwards). I started buying many cartoon frog plush after being gifted a $3.99 on sale Safeway frog (called Baby!). I went on Tinder dates (one of which was at a quaker yard sale marketed as Harvest Festival where I got a 1970s Kermit puppet for like $2) that largely went nowhere. My high school friend visited and we were both sad about break ups. I did Inktober before I went to New Orleans for a conference on Bourbon St where everything felt like it was coated in a sticky film of alcohol. I almost missed my flight home because I fell asleep in a sculpture garden but I had the most amazing Uber driver who snaked his way through traffic (oh and the flight was delayed by like 3 hours). I went to kind of embarrassing haunted houses and pumpkin patches over Halloween, but also had the most incredible bowl of ramen at Mensho. My whole office dressed up as Zootopia characters which warmed my furry heart. I spent like $120 on a Pokemon shirt. I started playing Arkham Horror and rekindled another friendship important to me. In November went on a road trip to Big Sur because again, I had to escape it all. For Christmas Eve dinner I roasted a duck for the first time (which was delicious). Shortly after I waited in line for 2 hours for a rollercoaster at Great America, which taught me the value of buying a fast pass because at this point in my life that money is worth it, and then waited 2 hours in line at the DMV to get a RealID (I had made an appointment, which was the fast pass).

Okay, now we move to the hobby section!

I got really into sewing in 2019, having received a sewing machine last Christmas. I made a Judy Hopps (which I wore to CrunchyRoll Expo) and Korok cosplay (Fanime), several unsuccessful garments, a crab bean bag, a dice bag, a fanny pack, and put hearts nipples on a jumpsuit.

Shows! I think I went to way fewer shows this year. The ones I can remember are Elephant Gym, Thom Yorke the night before I had an 8am flight, Carly Rae Jepsen over pride weekend (also, she is my #1 artist of the year, which makes a lot of sense given my emotional space), Mitski at Stern Grove, Capitol Hill Bloc Party (which was super lame, except for Lizzo, where I cried), and the National (which was a fucking surreal experience as they played on Stanford's campus, I was the only one within earshot of myself who knew the words to Crybaby Geeks, and then the white catalog moms came up to me after to thank me for singing the song).

I also started playing my own music! I started playing viola again for the first time in 7 years (lol) in both pop-up concerts with the Awesome Orchestra (one in Golden Gate Park, one at the Exploratorium) and a string quartet through my school. Sometimes I am filled with joy and delight. Other times interpersonal tensions run high and also I am very bad at being in tune. It's life.

Media! I really liked Mob Psycho 100 Season 2 and Beastars. I feel like those were the only notable anime I watched this year? I saw the Farewell three times--first in Seattle where I sobbed for like 1 hour after the movie, the second time with my parents, and the third where Awkwafina was present for a Q&A. I thought Parasite was incredible and Promare was OK. I have spent an unfortunately large amount of my time playing Pokemon Masters. I finally beat BOTW and completed my Pokedex in Shield like 2 weeks after getting the game.

Resolutions! In my draft of my 2018 end of year post (which I never polished and posted, sorry), I said my resolutions were 1. come out to my parents 2. draw enough to table at an anime con 3. be disciplined about paper reading and have a doc. I did none of these things!!! However, for 1, I feel like I am well equipped to have this conversation but am waiting for my sibling to do it first out of respect. 2 was just bad. I barely drew this year except for gifts. 3 was okay--I did have a large doc in the beginning of the year when I was looking for ideas, but as time went on I abandoned it (I also stopped reading papers, which I don't think you're supposed to do as a grad student...)

My resolutions this year are phrased as intentions (-(c) Matthew). They span several categories. Relationships: I want to open myself to and actively seek experiences of love, because I miss that. That being said, I will only date someone if 1. they have their life together 2. they love themselves and 3. they challenge me to grow. (I do think you can experience love without dating; the thing I'm after is love in an expansive sense.) Work: I want to do enough work so I don't feel guilty about not doing enough work, and also not berate myself for taking a long time to do things. Hobbies: I want to sew at least one thing a month. Chinese: I want to improve my Chinese, especially pronunciation.

Having written this 20 days into 2020, it's not been so bad so far. But I was also really happy in the beginning of 2019. Here's to no global maxima, a monotonically increasing year!