#all these certificates yet where is my sense of accomplishment and where are my parents’ satisfaction 🧚

[louvelylouis]

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[sodasback]

Dresses with Pockets - For You Series

JJ Maybank x Allie Routledge (John B’s Younger Sister)

Allie was standing in the hallway of the school auditorium. Everyone was inside watching the senior awards ceremony, but the younger Routledge needed to take a breath. The pressure of her future was getting heavier and heavier with every scholarship presentation and thank you speech and it was all of a sudden taking the air out of her lungs.

JJ having a reckless sense of optimism made a bad habit of being late to things, so he was walking through the double doors into the auditorium hallway with flowers in hand (albeit, they were a cheap bouquet from the grocery store and a little wilted because they were a couple days old and even cheaper that way, but still).

He stopped in his tracks as he saw Allie. She was smoothing her sweaty hands down the dress Sarah helped her pick out for the occasion.  

JJ couldn’t hold back the first thought that entered his mind, “Woah.”

Allie turned to see him and instantly fell more relaxed as she broke into a smile. Even though they had pretty much been avoiding each other like the plague after the almost kiss in her room after the party, in this moment, she was just relieved to see her calming and charming JJ there while she was low-key freaking out.

“You... look.. reaalllyy pretty.” JJ said slowly as he drank in her appearance.

Allie smiled and blushed, but then looked at him skeptically.

“Are you messing with me?” She asked.

“What?” JJ let out a little laugh, “Why would you think I’m messing with you?”

“Umm because you always do. And if you really thought I looked good, you’d just blurt out that I look hot. Or you usually just check me out, thinking I don’t notice and then you act moody all night when other guys look at me.”

“I never do that.” JJ said confidently.

“Mhmm, sure ya don’t.” Allie nodded reassuringly.

“And you don’t look hot. You’re drop-dead gorgeous.” JJ told her in a way that made her never want to doubt herself again. She blushed and had to blink away the tiny tears that threatened to spill out from the warm and fuzzy feelings she was getting.

“Are those for me?” she nodded to the flowers in his hand.

“No, actually they’re for John B.” JJ said convincingly, “You should know Allison, these senior ceremonies and shit are mostly for the parents of the graduates, so I figured I’d get him flowers. ....yes, dork they’re for you.” He said, handing them to Allie and watching the smile grow on her face as she closed her eyes and buried her nose in them.

“They’re beautiful. Thanks J.” She said smiling and stepping forward to wrap her arms around his waist. He wrapped around her shoulders, he let out a relieved exhale in the embrace.

But then they both turned their heads and let go of each other when a teacher stuck her head out, “Allison, you’re next!”

-

After they described the alumni scholarship Allison had received from the high school they announced her name. JJ, John B. and Pope (who was back home from college for a couple days) stood and clapped and cheered and whooped and caused a whole scene as Allie stood and walked to the podium to collect the certificate. She looked at the 3 boys from the stage with a look pleading them to sit down and stop carrying on. They looked around, pretending to be embarrassed and mumbling sarcastic ‘sorry’s’ and one last little “whoop” from JJ before they sat back down and Allie shook her head at her embarrassing family.

The announcer then went on to list Allison’s accolades and accomplishments that led to her being chosen for the biggest alumni scholarship the high school offered. Later on, one of the parents was hosting a reception/after party at their house and all the seniors and their families were invited.

While there, John B. and JJ found themselves sipping beers and looking fondly at Allie across the yard. They both laughed as they watched Allie show off to her girlfriends that her dress had pockets.

“Girls always love when their dress has pockets huh?”

John B laughed in agreement, “Yeah dude, she won’t shut up about them. I’m glad Sarah was able to help her with a new dress for all these ceremonies and graduation and stuff; it looks good on her.”

“Are you kidding? She’s frickin stunning.” JJ couldn’t stop himself from admitting. John B. was quiet for a second. He thought something was changing between his best friend and his sister lately and he just wanted to make sure him and JJ were on the same page.

“Hey J?” He asked turning to look at the blonde who was still admiring the younger Routledge laughing with her friends.

“Yeah?”

“You know Allie’s getting ready to graduate right? And she’s hasn’t decided for sure what school she’s going to yet. But it’s looking like Berkeley.”

JJ was a little confused by his friend’s tone, “Yeah, I was there when we were all talking about it the other day.”

“Did you know she’s been talking about not going to college at all?” John B asked.

“I mean, yeah, a few weeks ago she talked about like saying fuck it and doing something else, but she’s just stressed dude.” JJ thought maybe John B. just needed some reassurance.

“Yeah, well she’s been saying it more lately and talking about maybe staying here to figure things out too. But J, I don’t want her to get stuck here like we are. I want her to go to Berkeley and get the opportunity to have more ... better.”

“Yeah, man. I do too.” JJ agreed, still hesitant about where this conversation was going.

“And I don’t want anything ...or anyone to tempt her into not going to Berkeley, ....whether they mean to or not.” John B said slowly. JJ physically turned to look at him now.

“Bro what are you saying?” JJ asked.

“You know you can’t date her right?” John B finally said.

“Where the fuck did that come from?!”

“I see the way you guys are with each other, J! But you can’t. If you date her, you’re just gonna confuse her and pull her into your Peter Pan fantasy of running away to Yucatan or some shit and then break her heart when the next hot touron comes along.”

JJ’s face contorted into from confusion to anger as he let out a humorless laugh, “Wow JB, is that what you really think of me? You really think I’d do that to her? To you?!”

“Okay, calm down. It came out harsher than I meant it. But I’m just saying I know we’ve all joked about you and Allie before, but it just can’t happen okay?”

“Yeah, I heard you John B.” He stated finishing his beer and starting to turn away.

“JJ wait” John B sighed, knowing he fucked up.

“Tell Allie I said congrats.” He said as he kept walking. Allie noticed JJ leaving and ran over to him.

“Hey loser! You ditching this party without taking me with you?” She flirted, not registering his body language.

He chuckled disingenuously, “Yeah, it’s uhhh, time for me to go.”

Allie looked at him with a confused smile, “What? What do you mean?”

“I need to go home Allie.” JJ said.

“Okay, yeah let’s go back, I’m over this party anyway. Where’s John B.?”

“No Allie. Not the chateau. I need to go to my house for a little bit.”

Allie’s face dropped. “What? No, you don’t J. Wait until he leaves for that fishing trip this weekend. Don’t go back tonight.” Allie was practically begging him.

“It’s fine Allie, I need some space to think about stuff.” JJ said with finality before nodding back to the party, “Go have fun and celebrate your scholarship big shot.”

“Think about what? JJ-” Allie started, but JJ interrupted her.

“Hey Allie? I’m really proud of you.” JJ smiled softly and Allie just looked at him pouting at this whole interaction as JJ turned and left.

Allie could only think of one thing that could have possibly happened between JJ cheering for her on stage and being happy to now “needing some space to think” and going home for the first time in months when his dad was for sure there.

“What the fuck did you to him?!” Allie came storming over to  John B, who instantly grabbed his sister by the shoulders and ushered her outside to the front yard away from the house, knowing she was gonna cause a scene. “What the fuck John?!” She brushed his hands off of her waiting for him to explain.

“Come on, let’s go home.”

“Not before you tell me what happened between you and JJ to make him want to go back to his dad’s house tonight!”

“Fuck!” John B closed his eyes and cursed.

“Whatever happened, you need to find him and fix it right now. If JJ comes back with bruises, it’s your fucking fault!” Allie yelled, before getting in the twinkie and driving away, leaving John B with his hands on his head in the driveway.

“Fuck!” he yelled again. Before jogging in the direction of JJ’s house.

-

While walking home, JJ did a lot of thinking. He knew Allie had quite a crush on him and he knew that he had a lot of influence on her. Most just didn’t know how smitten he was with her or how much he admired her. Regardless, he wanted the same things John B. wanted. He wanted Allie to go off to college and get that experience and he’d be damned, if he was the thing to hold her back or sway her in any way. As harsh as John B had been, he knew he was just watching out for the girl they both just wanted to protect.

So instead of going to his house, JJ went home to the Chateau, knowing he was just going to ignore all the feelings he had for Allison Routledge. JJ had been sitting on the couch, alone in the Chateau for a while. He vaguely wondered where the 2 Routledge siblings had gone, since the Twinkie was in the driveway.

All of a sudden, John B came bursting through the door.

“Fuck, Allie! He’s not home! I couldn’t find him! I’m gonna go drive-”

“Right here dude.” JJ said standing up from the couch.

“Oh thank god!” John B practically tackled JJ in a huge.

“Jeez man”

“I’m so sorry dude. I was out of line. I know you’d never hurt her or me I just- I want her to- I just-”

“Relax bro.” JJ chuckled as the pulled away to look at each other, “I know. I want the same things you want. I’m not trying to date Allie okay? She’s like my little sister too. I promise.”

“Alright, thanks man. And please please no matter how much I piss you off, please don’t go back to your dads if you don’t have to. It doesn’t matter what we do or say, this is your home, got it?”

“I know.” Is all JJ said and they hugged one more time.

Taglist: @abbyj1822 @october-cameron @moonrisebeach @hernameisnoell @moniamaybank @railmerafe @phantompogues @jeyramarie @gabiatthedisco @baby-cakes-98 @lemur46 @lexieee304 @jjpogueprincess @imjustanothernerd

[thequiver]

i need that bruce and arkham essay plz

I’ll answer this tomorrow I told you almost two and a half hours ago and yet here I am. At almost 4 am so bear with me folks.

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS DISCUSSION OF TROUBLING ACTIONS, SERIOUS MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES, AND VIOLENCE

So, what really starts me in on discussions around Bruce and Arkham, and something I feel like a lot of people either don’t know, conveniently ignore, or forget is that Bruce was in his youth, an Arkham patient. Specifically Alfred sent Bruce to an Arkham boy’s’ rehabilitation facility upstate. Against his will. Because he was obsessed with the idea of shooting and killing his parent’s murderer and had almost attempted suicide. This rehabilitation facility is where Bruce meets and befriends Harvey Dent. But this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Following his stint at the rehabilitation facility- Bruce exhibits even more troubling behavior, which suggests that his time at an Arkham facility did not teach him healthy coping mechanisms or do much to help him learn to process his emotions. While still a young man (18 or under) Bruce:

Responded to a question a teacher asked in class by burning it into their front yard

Hired a homeless man to pretend to be Alfred to sign paperwork that would authorize the erasure of his memories via electroshock therapy (he ultimately did not go through with the procedure)

Used the Irish mob to track the location of Joe Chill and then interrogated him

Now I understand that despite having a certification in mental health first aid, and having PTSD, that I am by no means an expert in human psychology. But I feel comfortable saying that the Arkham system failed Bruce Wayne and that Bruce Wayne does not have healthy coping mechanisms.

Bruce ultimately did not commit suicide because he believed it would not be what his parents wanted for him, and vowed instead to dedicate his life to stopping crime - from that moment until he finds Joe Chill and learns that the motivation behind his parents death was simply that Chill needed a quick buck and that his parents death, to quote the fandom wiki had “no deeper meaning,” Bruce’s quest for vengeance and stopping crime is based around a conspiracy surrounding his parent’s murder that he has concocted in his own mind. One might think that after learning that the motivation behind the murder of his parents was money, and Bruce Wayne being a billionaire that he might have stopped to consider that perhaps crime is motivated by poverty, but alas, world’s greatest detective my ass.

Bruce, now fueled by the loss of his parents and the anger that his parents death has been reduced to the need for a quick buck begins his multi- year training montage. During this montage, while he’s ignoring Alfred’s attempts to contact him, Bruce let’s an assassin into the home of one of the men training him, and the man’s dying breath warns him that death would come of fostering close personal relationships, and Bruce sure didn’t listen to therapy, but he does take that message to heart. As a way to formally end his training, Bruce then climbed to the top of Wayne Tower and jumped off.

These are not the decisions of a man who is mentally healthy.

From pretty much the get go we see Bruce go from a child who was powerless in a situation where his parents were taken from him, into a damaged young man who was failed by a mental health facility and then spent seven years training to beat the absolute shit out of criminals after finding out that his parents were killed for a quick buck. The Joker at one point has to stop Bruce from stabbing the Riddler in the face. And of course we’ve all seen Bruce almost beating criminals to death and beating the shit out of his kids, and forming plans on how to take down other superheroes. These are not healthy behaviors.

But how does Arkham tie into this beyond Bruce being a former patient? What I’ve tried to do is establish a few things.

Bruce Wayne was failed by the Arkham system (a system that, at the time of her death, his mother was desperately trying to reform)

Bruce Wayne has control issues (both in that he has issues regulating his emotional responses and those responses lean towards extreme and violent behavior, and that he wants to be in control and he wants to be right all the time)

Bruce has not made an attempt to seek professional help since Alfred sent him to the rehabilitation facility (or as I said in another post of mine “Bruce refuses to get therapy and make that everyone else’s problem.”)

Bruce has self destructive tendencies

Arkham is a system that Bruce cannot control. He couldn’t control it when he was a patient, and he wouldn’t be able to control it as a major donor seeking to fix the broken system that failed him and carry on his mother’s legacy. What medical professionals in a mental health facility do are outside of his control.

Furthermore while punching a criminal to the point of near death or disfigurement, or dropping an unconscious goon at the police station will typically stop a run of the mill mugger, thief, etc, from committing more crimes at least for a while (assuming of course that they can even make an arrest when the chain of custody on any evidence has been broken), more high profile criminals the ones we see as recurring members of the Rogues Gallery who seem to be motivated by something other than poverty are typically found unsuited for trial and would thus be sent to a rehabilitation facility, like Arkham.

These high profile villains offer more of a fight than a mugger who hasn’t had a proper meal in the last two days, and as such they can usually injure Bruce while he’s in the Batsuit. This feeds into two of Bruce’s things- his self destructive behavior, and his history of violent behavior. But- is Arkham worked, if the rogues really were to be rehabilitated the opportunity for the catharsis brought on by the violence both towards and from them would be gone, Bruce would not be in control of their recovery, and as we’ve seen, Arkham has failed Bruce, and imo it’s unclear if he thinks Arkham can actually help people.

Bruce doesnt fix Arkham because that would mean admitting that it failed him, that it needs fixing because he is not mentally well, he does not want to admit that he is not in control of himself or that he is in some way “damaged.” Fixing Arkham would also stop the revolving door of break ins/outs that provide him with the catharsis brought on by violence- if it ceases to be real life monopoly jail the frequency of these encounters would dwindle and as many of us know, bad coping mechanisms often become a habit and Bruce would become twitchier.

Furthermore, handling all of the Arkham break outs gives Bruce a sense of accomplishment on his self assigned mission to squash crime- he’s handling all of these big name villains, on a rotating basis means that he is busy with at least one of the rogues pretty much all the time. This sense of accomplishment is important, after all, it’s not like he’s doing anything to stop crime at the source, and without a sense of accomplishment how could he ever hope to moralize at other heroes and hold them to an impossible standard that he himself is not even meeting?

Bruce’s time in the Arkham system is something that is often overlooked but does quite a bit in shaping Bruce’s perspective and decision making. And they’re not good decisions or good perspectives.

[willowkeyes-creates]

Roman’s Eight-Armed Guide (Part One)

Part One of an Animal Soulmates AU. I liked the idea of Soulmates that weren’t romantic/qpr and I liked making Roman cry. I tried out 3rd person for this as well so if it’s a little weirdly worded, it’s because I’m more practised in 1st person. Part two will be in 1st person because this was hard.

Pairings: Platonic Moxiety, Platonic Creativitwins, Eventual Roceit

Warnings: Parental neglect, harsh parenting, Roman’s parents just suck, crying

------------------------------------------------------------

The first time Roman saw it, he was barely old enough to understand what it was. Everyone around him had always said to watch for animals that were translucent and faintly glowed your other half's favourite colour. So that night, with him crying after his parents berated him and locked him in his room without dinner for drawing on the walls, his cries faded as he watched the see-through baby octopus roll around his bedroom floor without a care in the world. 

He fell asleep with the octopus, which was small enough to fit in his chubby hands, laying on his chest and comforting him for the night. 

Roman had been glad to know that the first time wasn’t a dream after meeting the octopus again when he had gotten lost after a school performance. His father couldn’t make it to the performance itself, but he did promise to pick him up afterwards. So little Roman, still in his Peter Pan outfit, went searching through the crowd for over an hour before his exhaustion and the stress of the night caught up with him and made him tear up.

The only reason he didn’t cry was because the octopus scared him; having fallen from seemingly nowhere and landing on his shoulders with more weight then he remembered the creature having. Which made sense when he thought about it, as its head was almost as large as his own now. It gave him a loose hug around the chest, even weirdly purr-chirping into his neck before dragging his attention to a nearby chair. His father wouldn’t come for another hour, long after the majority of students were gone and without any sort of apology, but the slimy animal stayed by his side until he was finally in the car.

He saw it again on the first day of high school. Roman felt lost within the sea of endless students, not knowing where to go for his first class despite having the map of the school in his free hand. A faint green glow drew his attention to another student; a boy hiding his face underneath a hood that watched everyone go by with disinterest, unaware of the octopus on top of the lockers beside him attempting to swipe the hoodie off with two of its tentacles despite the fact that it would just go straight through him.

So Roman took it as a sign to talk with the boy, who introduced himself with hesitance and the name Aurora, and thanked his Soulmate’s animal for leading him to his first real friend. Who had quickly re-introduced himself as Janus after Roman wouldn’t stop calling him ‘Snakeskin Beauty’, ‘The True King of the Pride Lands’, ‘Pretty Slightly-Taller-Than-Me Liar’ to help him like the burn scars on the side of his face and his lying habit; even if it was a little more then he used to. He didn’t stop as Janus seemed to enjoy the compliments, and Roman was glad to learn his real name. It suited him better then Aurora as he wasn’t one to go around poking needles or piss off any revenge-seeking sorceresses.

After meeting Janus, he didn’t see the octopus for a long time. He found out that his parents were neglecting him while also using his status as an accomplished theatre kid to make them popular with other parents. He also learnt that he was very gay- and even more gay when it came to his very sassy best friend. Which his other friends, platonic soulmates Virgil and Patton, constantly told him to confess to but his fear of losing Janus always got the better of him.

He finished school with the grades he wanted and even a scholarship to continue his acting career, with Janus managing to get just the right grades to pursue law like he wanted. They got a small apartment together, luckily in walking distance of Patton and Virgil’s one, and the three of them got to help him pack for his life away from his parents.

“Will you visit?”

“Make sure to remember us when you’re famous, Roman.”

“Don’t slack off just because you’re not with us anymore!”

He bared through it all until the both of them decided to go out for dinner while everyone continued to pack. Virgil managed, through some bickering, to convince Roman to take a break as they only have a few things left to pack and he looked tired after having to deal with his parents.

“It’s not like you didn’t sleep at all last night…”

“Thank you for reminding me how tired I am, Handsome Dent.”

“You’re very welcome. And nice try on the nickname, but I’ve heard better.”

They promised to let him take the last two boxes to the car but until then, he agreed to take a break. He tried his best, but with each minute that passed his stomach would gain a new knot in it until he had to stand to try and wiggle out the unsettling feeling that came from seemingly nowhere. Something in him was saying that something was wrong, out of place, that he was forgetting something important, but Janus and Virgil had double checked to make sure that Roman wouldn’t have to return to the house after tonight.

“What’s with you?” Virgil was the one to stop his pacing with a worried frown and by putting everyone’s attention back onto him. “We said relax, not get all antsy.”

“I don’t know what’s wrong, but something is! I just don’t know what-” He locked eyes with something only he could see, which made him all the more uncomfortable. If the octopus was there, then his gut feeling was right.

He stepped around a worried Patton, muttering about the octopus that the three had been told about years prior, and followed it as it tucked itself up into a ball and rolled through his parents bedroom door with a small puff of green smoke. He’s never been allowed inside of his parents room, he’s been yelled at enough times to know this by now, but he had twist the doorknob and trusted that his Soulmate’s animal would keep it from happening again.

His friends all stood behind him as he walked inside, finding the octopus sitting beside a drawer with its key in its keyhole. The octopus climbed up his arm to become a comfortable weight on his back as he opened it and pulled out the document that sat on top of a stack of others.

‘Certificate Of Adoption’ ‘Roman Morgan Aurelian’

His heart sank further than he thought was possible as he stared at it; ignoring the questions his friends were asking him from the doorway. His hands shook as he struggled to hold the paper. He could hear his heartbeat as if it were an echoing drum in his head. His blood boiled at remembering all the times his ‘parents’ had told him to be thankful that he was the child of two well-earning parents.

A cold, and slightly slimy, tentacle to his face snapped him out of his building anger to continue searching through the drawer. There were open letters, all addressed to him and all signed by someone named ‘Remus’. There were maybe over fifty letters in the pile, with a few more scattered inside of the drawers with stamps originating from all over the country.

Glancing over one of the open ones, he feels the octopus on his shoulders hold him just a little tighter as each word had taken a blow to his heart. 

‘My twin’.

‘Not allowed to visit’.

‘How is he?’

‘Want to meet’.

“Roman..?” His hand instinctively reached up to gently hold one of the tentacles, ignoring it’s sliminess for the small bit of comfort that it brought as Janus entered his vision. “What’s wrong?”

“I… Just…” With a sniffle, he handed over all of the papers to him before shifting the octopus so that he could hug something. To the others it’d look like he’s hugging air, but he didn’t care as the octopus has never failed to comfort him before. 

Moments later, he’s pulled into a hug right there on the floor. It’s tight and comforting and warm and he knows that it's Janus. Voices mixed with the sound of his heartbeat deafened Roman to his friends' questions, but when a pair of hands set themselves onto his knees and a third rubbed his back, the taste of salty tears reached his lips as he began to sob. 

As he held onto the octopus and cried, he knew that his Soulmate was strange and yet would be there for him. He never thought that it’d be a twin brother; and one that had been looking for him for so long as well? The thought never crossed his mind. He blamed his parents. 

His name -Remus sounded so perfect- even came from Rome’s origin story and Roman doesn’t know why that brought a small, sad smile to his lips. He cried into Janus’ shoulder and asked him if they could leave before his parents returned. They’ve done nothing but use his dedication to theatre, his grades during school, his… everything to make themselves . He was off to college and not once did he ever hear about being adopted or having a twin. Roman never wanted to see them again; even after he found Remus.

And with Janus’ help, he didn’t ever have an in-person conversation with them again.

[merakimousumi]

Re-introduce yourself

Our introduction is extremely structured and the flow has always a format irrespective of Nationality , culture or race.

As a child you are taught to say your name . Every time someone visits home or you are meeting someone, the excitement is to share your name. Yay ... joyous moment. Soon another step would be added once you are getting prepared for the schooling, your name, parents name and the place you live. Phew!! you must have been asked millions of times to master it . The game has just begun. Every-time another dimension will be added . Your school , standard, in case you are captain in sports , drama , magazine etc etc. Then by the age of 18 years, you will start mentioning your percentage of marks , your parents background, the certificates you hold . By the time you are being interviewed for your career, you are a bunch of certifications and degrees and nothing else.

Remember your first visiting card , that had your name, designation with that Company logo . Even in social functions you carry it and distribute them like toffees .

In case, you choose to become self employed you will put up website, your office board with your name, educational qualifications, credentials and the skills that you have and you would offer !!

Oh , if someone who choose to be a family person like my mother or my aunts then observe how they introduce themselves. I am so and so wife , my husband is so and so . Soon will get graduated to be the mother then she will add that she is mother of xyz kids .

No worries, I have done all . Here I am not going to ask to read Robert Adams , Ramanan Maharshi or Nisargadatta Maharaj . In very ordinary way let me prick you to get the momentary taste of the teachings of these beings.

I was in Singapore, it must be some eight years back or little more. After long day at work wanted to carry my dinner from the nearby Indian food joint which served nice vegetarian meals. I ordered and was waiting in the lobby there. Those days my phone addiction was not there , was looking around to the hustle and bustle of the night life of the place. It was my first visit alone in that city , the curiosity level was higher. The man sitting across seems to be waiting like me for his food pick up. When the eyes met , he bowed gently and smiled. I reciprocated, out of courtesy. My order came, he made a wave to me and I waved back . Simple over.

Next morning at the breakfast table in my hotel , suddenly someone knocks my table and I look up to see the familiar face of the last night . He smiled and asked if he can join the table, again out of courtesy I nodded. I prefer not to speak with anyone in the morning as ritual, my way of energy management for the upcoming day. Nonetheless here is a day where breaking the norm is all you have . He seem to me from south east Asia so was not sure of his age, their skin and overall structure camouflage the age process well . Still went ahead and predicted, must be in his late fifties or more. Soon he mentioned he is from Malaysia and is here on a conference. I quickly pasted my trademark smile on my face and nodded. When he asked what bought me in Singapore, I had to make an effort to say a word. I uttered ‘Work’ . He immediately mentioned by Company’s name, that was a surprise for me. Quickly noticed from my laptop bag hanged my ID card the logo peeping out. I smiled again. He mentioned how he has travelled worldwide and learnt so many things from different cultures. I heard all of them , nodding my head and occasionally saying few words ( read mumble). When his breakfast was over he was a fast eater or I was slow , he handed me his card. It just had his name, contact number and email. A golden shining card and in black ink those three things appeared . No logo , no designation, no company. This was different!! I must have been looking at the card with some astonishing manner that Mr Kheo ( Yes that was his name) came closer to my ears and said , I am not even those written words on the card. I was a while ago a person who spent a great time with you . Next moment I shall be one with someone else. My identity cannot be contained in a small piece . He winked , waved and was gone!!

I had no clue whatsoever he said and shocked with what happened at that moment. Yet I never got over the statement. Every time since then whenever there was an introduction, I always remembered Mr Kheo , because his introduction bought a discomfort yet I saw something, unexplainable joy in his eyes.

The thought that kept appearing within me , is it possible of being stripped of all the accomplishments and identities which he would have invested and acquired in lifetime, he was completely okay not to highlight. In the world when we are all looking to grab every bit of spotlight, he wants to be invisible. Did not make sense to me. He spoke perfect sense in his narrative in the breakfast, his articulation was impressive, well choosen words and sentences of expression, he was no ordinary. Yet and Yet !!

Much later in my years or rather recently the fragment of the introduction was becoming clearer in my life. Books , teachers explained the I AM. Who Am I !!

Here is a point , after reading hearing how do I implement . Unless I understand deeper within all those are simply intellectual. Who Am I ? The name appeared, my position, my relationship, my freaking everything appeared. I had to start from scratch. I started my introduction rather re-introduction and I could not , it was a struggle. Here Stubbornness nature comes handy, I do not easily give up.

It was like when you have invested a lot of time in making a something and you thought that its great, suddenly you realise all was a mistake, you keep doing the same mistake thinking that it will miraculously change to magic and success. It is not easy to erase it, too much ego is attached. My identity.....

I wrote my introduction the one which was taught, started writing my name , names of parents, my educational qualifications, my jobs that I did so far , positions I held , Cities I lived , the relationship I have and had , the houses that I own , the finance that I built so on , I made a list .

Then I took every line and questioned Am I that ? Paused, looked within, on the surface I was , waited soon it dissolved. I strike the moment I felt I was not . Every time I was striking I noticed the tremor in my hand and fingers, even there was a refusal. Striking my qualifications was tough followed by my relationships. I sensed my investment there . After few period all was canceled, I felt empty, naked as if someone has just robbed me of everything that I had ever gathered in my life so far. Tears rolled down , uncontrollably crying like a child gripped with the fear was being invisible. So much effort has been made to make myself visible and here I am erasing it all .

Mr Kheo and I stood at same space in that moment. I closed my eyes , experienced what could be the oneness the great teacher spoke about or is it much deeper, I am not sure yet I knew the joy within me. Who Am I ? I see the I and the I sees me. I am one .

Being empty is also being full. Empty of fear full of joy , the gift that we are all born with sometime lost in transit.

Even today when asked to introduce myself, I begin by saying my name is so and so and to earn my living I extend my service to xyz Company, I play the role of a daughter, sister, mother and friend along being colleague to many . Once you have understanding of that I AM , the framing of your sentences changes forever. In my corporate life I do sometimes have to follow the framework, yet I know my awareness is enough to make it impersonal. Once one has been in that rabbit hole, life is never be the same.

I know Mr Kheo would never know that what he offered on that breakfast table and here I am, forever grateful. A regret I carry that I was not careful of keeping that card that eventually transformed me, I could have written him my story too. The only was to give back is to share here and if anyone can find themselves, that would be my offering.

Today, start by reintroducing yourself.

[mor-beck-more-problems]

Baby’s First Couple’s Therapy || Morgan & Deirdre

TIMING: Current

PARTIES: @deathduty & @mor-beck-more-problems

SUMMARY: Sometimes a wound needs to air out to heal.

CONTAINS: Brief references to parental abuse

Kelly Mackowski, their couples’ therapist, steepled her hands together over her lap as she looked at the pair. “I’ve met with each of you already and I think I’m getting a picture of you as a couple, but I’d like to start today by reviewing why you have chosen to come here.” Morgan, ever the dutiful student, thought she saw Kelly’s eyes settle on her and stiffened on the couch. Was she sitting too close to Deirdre? They were next to each other, and they were holding hands, but they weren’t in any laps or snuggled like they were at home. Was holding hands too clingy? Deirdre didn’t answer at once, though maybe that was because it had only been a few seconds. Morgan glanced sidelong at her and after a silent exchange of, do you want to go first? Do you? She spoke up.

“Well, we’ve had a traumatic couple of months, and in the worst of it, it came to my attention that we had developed an unhealthy dynamic stemming from my accident uh, eight and a half months ago. And we--well, I feel like we have made some good steps toward rectifying the situation and finding a better normal. I have a tiny house in the backyard that I go to for at least a couple of hours each day and one night out of the week, by myself, mostly to engage with my faith, which I’ve recently recommitted to, and work on some hobbies. And I’m back at school, for work, and that’s nice and gets me out of the house. And we’ve been able to talk a little about, you know, how my emotional instability towards the end of November was more of a statement on my own lack of internal support systems than anything else. And we’ve more or less regained our old physical intimacy boundaries. No sex yet, because I really just want to be a little more stabalized since it tends to make me emotional in general, but it’s still---it’s the best place to be, when she holds me.” Morgan paused and realized she was rambling, maybe even veering off track completely. “But there’s still more to unpack, obviously! And it just seemed like a good idea to do that with some uh, professional structure and, um, guidance.” She smiled, and then didn’t, realizing she was looking for approval that they weren’t here to gain.

Kelly nodded, revealing nothing. “Deirdre?” She prompted. “Can you talk about what you want out of this from your side?”

Deirdre had concluded, with great speed and unwavering resolve, that she hated therapy. As it turned out, talking about her feelings with anyone other than Morgan was a nightmare of strange design. And for all her attempts to create chaos and deflect and make Kelly “Macaroni”, or whatever her name was, emote with shock or fear...she remembered that she was here for Morgan, for their relationship. And she wanted it to get better, she wanted them to be better. All attempts deflated and she was left with the truth, which refused to leave her mouth in congruent sentences. Deirdre held Morgan’s hand just a little tighter, her gaze glued somewhere beyond Kelly’s unnervingly rigid stare—did she have to make eye contact all the damn time? The room was silent, save for a ticking clock, if it wasn’t filled with conversation. Deirdre found out the hard way that Kelly didn’t like silence very much, she’d always interject eventually. And as it turned out, Deirdre also hated Kelly.

When the question turned to her, she nearly hissed. She hated questions just as much as she hated Kelly. Or rather, she hated Kelly because the only things that ever left her mouth were questions. “I want us to be better, more secure.” Deirdre shifted. Her answer was far shorter than Morgan’s, and she wondered if she ought to be saying more. But what else was she supposed to say? What else was she supposed to want? Kelly scribbled something down on her notepad. Deirdre came to hate the way she wrote; like a bored cat with a couch, all scratching.

Kelly, ever impassive in a way that might have earned Deirdre’s respect if it was in any other setting, nodded and looked up. Deirdre squirmed. At this point, she would have preferred one of those smiles humans did when they were trying to be polite. “And is there any personal goal you hope to meet from these sessions?”

“Personally,” Deirdre stressed, “I would like us to be better.” Kelly scratched into her notepad again. Deirdre’s grip on Morgan’s hand tightened. She hated it here. And Kelly--question-asking, scratch-scratch-scratch note-taking Kelly, seemed to sense Deirdre’s unease and pivoted to Morgan. Once freed from the spotlight, Deirdre relaxed her grip just enough to stop crushing Morgan’s hand.

“You mentioned that there was more to unpack, Morgan? Is there anything specific that comes to mind?”

Morgan’s eyes went wide at Deirdre’s answer, or rather, lack of one. She wanted to look at her and keep pressing. She wanted to ask what they had gone over in her one-on-one session, if there was something she was hiding and didn’t feel comfortable sharing. But under Kelly’s look, she wondered if that was somehow overbearing. From Deirdre’s tightening grip, she could figure that Deirdre didn’t want her to pull away. A protective affection rushed up her chest and she put her other hand over Deirdre’s, encasing it gently and massaging the tight knuckles. In the brief silence before Kelly shifted attention, Morgan slipped Deirdre a quick look of confusion. What was that? What are you doing?

But then Kelly asked her question and Morgan found herself with too many nerves to juggle. She always did this when she was breaking in a new therapist and it always came to this stress point when she had to surrender her pride or sense of dignity in some way because focusing on trying to get an A+ in togetherness wasn’t very productive in getting to the goal she wanted to accomplish. Sighing, Morgan sagged against the couch and scooted close to Deirdre until they were hip to hip. Yeah, Kelly, this is how I wanna sit. You can give me longform analysis on that on week five when I know you better, she wanted to say. But instead, she thought, and then she tried…

“Personally, for just myself, I want some of that old security back. I want to be someone who doesn’t have to have her partner in the room in order to feel supported. And who doesn’t teeter on a nervous breakdown when I feel like Deirdre isn’t really here. I want to obtain a sense that we’re solid, even if we’re not perfect. Maybe if I could become someone who doesn’t need so much fucking reassurance all the time, that would be good.” She finished with a pained, bitter grin. Deirdre always did, when she was emotionally available, but Morgan felt the ghost of every well meaning, only half-teasing ‘clingy’ and ‘needy’ she’d ever heard. Her need simply was; a fact, just like the state of her body. But just like the level of the seas could change over time, so too could her need, maybe.

Kelly nodded, waiting for her to say more, and it was then that Morgan realized that she hadn’t really answered the question, and didn’t want to. “I just mean...un learning is hard. Talking about where our stuff comes from can feel like it’s impossible sometimes, and some coping mechanisms are hard to adopt and don’t work for everyone. And compromise takes time too. We’re so quick to give each other all or nothing, taking things only halfway might be a little wild too. But I wasn’t, uh, being specific.” There were too many places to start, and Morgan felt like she was doing all the talking for all three of them. She gave Deirdre another look as she gave her hand a careful squeeze. Are you here? Are you going to say something?

“I think those are some good goals to have, Morgan, and some good expectations.” Kelly said. “A relationship is a journey, one that will, inevitably, require changes. But in order for this to work, we all need to be on the same page and actively engaging. Deirdre, I know we’ve had some difficulties connecting, But I’d like to ask you again if you have any goals for yourself, as an individual? Or perhaps what it is you want out of your relationship?”

Deirdre met Morgan’s gaze, softening. Silently, she apologized and with a squeeze, she explained what Morgan already knew: that she didn’t like answering questions about herself. But she was trying. She would try. Yet, before she could confirm that her girlfriend understood their telepathic communications, she was back to answering Kelly and Deirdre begrudgingly looked back at the degrees and certifications framed on the wall. She wanted to say that there was nothing wrong with wanting assurances, or to feel supported and loved and understood--and that she would do all these things, gladly and happily and as many times as Morgan needed. She’d never minded it before, she certainly didn’t mind it now. It wasn’t wrong, it wasn’t bad--not to her--she’d wanted to say, and that she could feel that Morgan was trying to appease Kelly--and she didn’t have to do that. But she said nothing, hearing the echo of Kelly’s scratching in her head as her framed accolades merged into a toothy monster. What did Deirdre know? She wasn’t the one with the degrees and the training.

Kelly spoke to her again, and Deirdre stiffened instantly, reflexively dreading whatever Kelly would want her to answer next. Yes, they had difficulty connecting, because Deirdre didn’t want to connect, unless it was with her fist to Kelly’s unemoting face. She could, in fact, actively engage with a knife into Kelly’s stomach. Was that active enough for her? Her nostrils flared, her free hand curled into a fist. “I just told you my goals, you huma--” Deirdre froze. “Hum--” And faltered. Her anger died quickly. “Homunculus.” She shifted, shot Morgan another look of apology and tried her best to answer the question. “I’m sorry,” she coughed, “it--um--maybe it would be nice to have a hobby? Maybe I shouldn’t just be waiting around for Morgan to come back inside.” This wasn’t something she wanted in actuality, of course. But from what she could gather from the self-help books, this was something she should have. It was also something she had mentioned, in a practiced script, to Kelly in their private session. It was, in fact, the only personal detail she shared. She found one thing she was comfortable admitting and she would wear it out.

But it was Kelly’s second question that caught her unawares. “Excuse me?” Her face pulled together with confusion, then frustration. “I don’t want anything from Morgan. Not like--like a leech. I’m not dating Morgan because I want to take from her. I love her; I’m trying to give.” Deirdre’s leg bounced wildly up and down as unease wrapped around her. The offense she took at the question wasn’t founded, but the idea insulted her nonetheless. Questions of wants and desires often did.

But with the simple experience of one session under her belt, Kelly knew Deirdre’s annoyance well enough to greet it directly. “And is that how you view yourself in this relationship? As a leech?”

Deirdre’s bouncing leg morphed into an earthquake, the beginnings of a sceam burned in the pit of her lungs. Fuck you. Shut up. How dare you? Deirdre seethed, and then she didn’t. Morgan’s presence beside her served a gentle reminder of why she was here, and what she wanted--truly. Her leg ceased, she closed her eyes and breathed (In. Hold. Out), and she answered the question. “Yes.”

Kelly turned to her notepad briefly, scratching away. She looked up, nodded and leaned it; all signs to show an active listener, all things Deirdre did to let people assume she cared. Kelly was trying to encourage her, and she hated it. “Why do you think you feel that way, Deirdre?”

“Because that’s what people who want things are: leeches.” Deirdre was a smug with her answer, as though it was some grand truth. It wasn’t a personal thought! Not some ideology bred from trauma, not at all! Kelly ought to take her diplomas off the wall, she didn’t know anything. And then Deirdre froze. Morgan had just said she wanted reassurances, and Deirdre didn’t think Morgan was selfish, not once, not ever. She turned to her girlfriend, quick to rest a hand on her knee. “Not you. Not--” She turned back to Kelly. “I mean me, just me. It’s--” She swallowed. “It’s something that my family--the cult--” as Morgan and her had agreed on referring to it for Kelly’s sake “--says. And it--it’s true. It makes sense. I can’t, I--” How did she explain the dangers of desire for a banshee to a human? How did she explain that emotion could mean mass destruction? How did she explain her status as a thing? She deflated. “I want to be good to Morgan. I don’t want to hurt her, I don’t want to take from her. I don’t want to be a--” She looked up at Morgan; wet-eyed, ashamed. She dropped her gaze to the grey rug.  

Kelly spoke up, gentle. “Morgan, would you like to tell Deirdre what your thoughts are on this?”

“Yes,” Morgan barely gave Kelly the time to finish. She didn’t have it in her to worry about seeming any particular way. She cupped Deirdre’s face and wiped the corners of her eyes. “Hey…” She said softly. “It’s okay, I’m not mad. But you know what I’m gonna say next, right?” She smiled softly, her face all compassion. “You’re a person, Deirdre Dolan. My favorite person. And maybe this isn’t the best time to work on this particular part of yourself. But you can, and you should, and you do want things. You need to. Everyone does. It doesn’t make you bad or wrong. I mean, you want us, right? And that’s worked out pretty good so far. You should get to have a house, my love. A whole world’s worth of wanting. And it’ll be slow going, especially right now, but when--” She winced, hating the coding of her language, especially when Regan was such a fraught subject. “When these final rites and sacrifices you’re making right now with your cousin are over, I think it’ll go faster. And maybe...I don’t know, maybe Kelly knows, but maybe if you have a little more of a house than you do right now, those sacrifices will be easier to carry, until you can finally put them down.” She gave a firm kiss to her lips, then a tender one to her cheek, and looped her arms around Deirdre as she shifted back and angled herself toward Kelly.

“You do not have to be good,” she murmured. “And you can want. The world won’t fall. I’ll make sure of it.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Deirdre breathed, melting against Morgan. Whatever annoyance she felt about being interrogated, and whatever anger she felt towards Kelly, she let it free and held Morgan close. She didn’t care, then, who was in a room with them; who was scratching into their notepad or held esteemed education. There was Morgan, and then there was her, and nothing else mattered. “You’ve said this so many times. I’m sorry.” If reassurances were something Morgan felt poorly for wanting, Deirdre felt just as terrible. They had both endured similar punishment for their desires--evidenced enough by the fact that Deirdre had told Morgan a similar thing when she was cursed. “But that could take months. That could take years. Would you be okay with--I can’t do that to you. I need to--I’m trying now. I’m trying.” She couldn’t put her sacrifices down, that wasn’t her privilege, but she understood what Morgan was saying, and for it, she wept, burying her head into Morgan’s shoulder. “I do want you,” she repeated. “I do want our relationship and our life, and I do want to be--” Better? More whole? More secure? “--I don’t know.”

Defeated, embarrassed, Deirdre didn’t want to move from where she’d wriggled herself in. “I’m sorry, my love. I know you wanted to talk. I know you have things you want to say.” And she knew that these sessions were for the both of them, even if she didn’t understand how. “Maybe a hobby would be nice,” she pulled back and smiled, this time, the idea did sound like something she wanted. Deirdre turned to Kelly. “Can I ask Morgan a question?” And as Kelly nodded, Deirdre opened her mouth. “Do you really not feel supported, loved, when I’m not around? Did you feel that way before your--” Deirdre grimaced; she hated referring to Morgan’s death this way, it was so much more than an accident, it was a murder. “--your accident? Those times when we’d--” She grimaced again, this time out of guilt. “--broken up, were they different than these times now, when I was…” Deirdre trailed off.  

“You don’t have to be sorry. You’re okay. I’ll say it as many times as you need. Sometimes it just takes time. It’s okay…” Morgan held Deirdre tight as she melted against her body, trying to catch all of her at once. She gave more kisses and combed her fingers carefully through Deirdre’s half pinned up hair and whispered her love and acceptance some more. At some point Kelly passed a box of tissues, which rested uncomfortably close on the end table, and Morgan took one so she could wipe her love’s tears herself. “I know you’re trying. And this is already so good. You don’t even have to know what you want right now, okay? You just have to try and find out. That’s all, my love.” She nuzzled her cheek as they adjusted themselves once again, now wrapped up as close as possible while still maintaining some shred of politeness.

At the suggestion that she had something more important to say, Morgan shook her head and gave more tender kisses and touches along Deirdre’s face. Kelly had sprung the good brand, and there were no flakes of paper or irritated splotches on her cheeks. She looked just as wonderful as she ever did. “No, I’d rather hear you talk about what else you might fill your world with…” she beamed as she spoke and let it go. Deirdre wanted to ask her something, and since opening up was so important, who was she to push in the other direction?

And then Deirdre asked. Morgan’s smile faded, now heavy with guilt of her own. “Deirdre, I… I don’t mean all the time. It’s not like I think you’re going to leave me every time you go to the office. I mean, during the uh, herbal scares we had, when your cult slipped you those drugs, I would worry that uh….they would do something, and I wouldn’t be able to stop it because I wasn’t there. Because you were off...doing things.” And the mushroom spores had in fact found Deirdre that way. ”But that’s...that’s not what you’re asking.” She swallowed thickly and gave Deirdre a pained smile that only lasted a moment. Please don’t be mad. I’m sorry.

“In those times when we were seeing each other but not admitting it to ourselves… I did...think it was the end. The actual end. The first two, at least. I actually thought I made you hate me for a while, until that night at Al’s. And I did feel broken inside. I called Remmy and I cried until my whole body hurt, and some days did pass in this fog of depressed not-quite-existence. But I wasn’t on the floor completely? Just, maybe really close to it. But I would tell myself that it didn’t matter, and I wasn’t supposed to have anyone like that anyway, you know, with that weird family legend my mom raised me on. Which just made me feel guilty on top of sad for wanting to reach out to you so bad even though you’d made it clear you didn’t want to talk.” Her voice flattened with disdain; the curse had been only too real, and she had paid for it with her life. But then again, the way Ruth had brought it into her life probably had hit heavier than the thing itself. She didn’t know what a healthy relationship with the curse would have possibly looked like, just that hers hadn’t been it. “I was sad and scared for you because I wanted you to be loved by at least someone, even if it wasn’t me, and I wasn’t sure if you would let that happen. And I told myself you were better off and safer. And I had been on my own on and off for so long. I could do it again. I would be fine. I was fine before, just the way I was, and I’d get over it eventually.” She shrugged, trying to brush those times aside. But her eyes were filmed with tears at the recollection, and she could not hold Deirdre’s gaze for longer than an instant for fear of letting them spill over.

“I figured you out eventually, though, and I didn’t break during those later absences. I knew you felt something for me. Sometimes I wondered, but deep down I knew. Always. And I knew I wanted to be with you, even if it was just half a relationship. You took such good care of me, and it was the best I’d felt in so long, I was almost scared. The pain of not having you just like I wanted was almost a comfort sometimes. With the...family legend, about the curse. It felt like maybe you were kind of protected, or we were. Kind of like a win-win? And we had that no sex boundary, to protect at least myself from making a big mess. And when we were actually together… even on that really bad night when I thought the curse had destroyed the house, I knew you didn’t blame me. I knew you loved me. I was just so sorry because I was scared, and we had all our memories in those rooms the way they’d been before, and I thought things were going to get worse. But you loved me, even if it really had been that uh, superstitious curse come to life. But after--”

After she died, everything was different.

“Everything died with me in that wreck,” she said. “That minute when I flatlined, I mean,” she hastily added. “We already talked it out in the woods, and I understand now, I know how it really was, but I did think...when I woke up alone, I thought it was only a matter of time before it was over, and you were just being kind. There was a lot going on, so that wasn’t the only reason I was on the floor all the time, just one of them. But after that, when I was hanging onto you with everything I had...That first time you left for a night, I thought that was the end too. And it did...hit differently. My worst fear for us has always been that I’ll do something horrible and unforgivable without meaning to and it’ll be that day in the woods all over again. I’ll just be talking or holding you, and I’ll think everything is fine, and then I’ll do something stupid and it won’t be and I won’t see it coming, it’ll just happen, it’ll be over, and there won’t be anything I can do because if I didn’t even know it was wrong before, how well can I guarantee I won’t do it again, and if you’re too hurt to be able to tell me, how am I going to learn and…” Morgan stopped herself, realizing her voice was growing thin and shrill. She wasn’t breathing. Morgan squeezed Deirdre tight and let her tears spill over as she met her eyes desperately.

The pain in her chest was so much bigger than one bad break up in the woods. The root went so much further than Deirdre. When Morgan looked at her reflection in Deirdre’s eyes, she saw herself at twelve and ten and six, the quiet of her family’s apartment suddenly shattered by her mother screaming and swearing, and impassive look turning to rage and exasperation, a gentle hand of instruction turning into a claw on her shirt. No going back, no time to apologize. She should have known better. Been better. She was just such a hard-headed, willfully stupid child. Morgan shivered, unable to bring words to what she was seeing and unable to stop herself until her fear had been spent.  “I felt better after we talked, and you kept me so close all day when you came back, and I felt better by the end of the week, I think. But it did feel like….like that fear. I thought I had ruined everything. But I couldn’t tell myself that I didn’t need you, or I wasn’t allowed this, or that I would be fine, nothing I’d told myself before felt true and I didn’t know what to do. And that’s my fault, it’s mine, it is, but that’s how it felt. And the other nights you did that...I kept myself from destroying our house, but I wondered. I stayed up and I couldn’t focus on anything until you came back because that fear was so strong. And then at the end of this past November... “ Morgan grimaced as she tried to sift through the feelings. She had so many varieties of pain, it was hard to categorize them precisely.

“I didn’t think it was over in November. But I thought maybe it might be. I thought…” She had to close her eyes and will herself back there. She had cut the cord on this time, but the knot, the true source of it, remained buried in her soul. “I know better now, from what you said later. But back then, I couldn’t...It was similar, yes, I thought you had stopped...I thought maybe you...you didn’t want m-me. But I thought I could fix it, too. If I could just...do something right, if I could make you just a little bit happy, a little bit at peace, then maybe you would...you’d just have to. If I could just figure out what I was supposed to do, it would be okay and I’d make--” She stopped and covered her mouth, her face crumpling at the truth that had just risen on her tongue. “I was wrong,” she said, barely audible beneath her fingers. She sniffled and choked, swallowing down sobs. “I was wrong. I thought I was helping. It wasn’t a conscious thought. In my head it was like, I just wanted to make things better for you, I wanted to share your pain and make you feel better and you wouldn’t have to feel so alone, because we’d be together. I’d fix it, I’d fix everything as much as I could. I never consciously set out to...to make you love me again.” She bowed her head, shivering miserably as she just barely held herself together. “It’s just that you were all I had. And if I lost you, there wouldn’t be anything. I was so desperate, I didn’t even let myself really think it. And I...I’m sorry. I’m sorry I tried to do that, and I couldn’t see your hurt, and that I shouldn’t have put that on you, I didn’t see that, I’m sorry. But everything we’re doing now, it’ll make sure that doesn’t happen again. But I am...I am sorry for all of it. And it was my fault, it’s my fault…” Her voice croaked, and Morgan’s grip on her cries fell.

Deirdre’s arms had found their way around Morgan, her body pressed to hers, together just as they’d sit at home. She held her tight, soothing with her touch as Morgan spoke. They’d already talked about the break ups, and Deirdre knew Morgan didn’t blame her—and so she didn’t interrupt with an apology or an explanation. As she listened, she understood Morgan’s pain wasn’t because of her, which should have been a relief but only served to make Deirdre’s chest throb. If it was her fault, then it was something she could control; something she could fix. Likewise, Morgan had thought Deirdre’s pain to be personal, and therefore in her hands. But it wasn’t. Neither of their pain was. But to say what led them here was Morgan’s fault…?

“My love,” Deirdre mumbled, lifting Morgan’s head up to thumb away her tears; as many as there were, even when they kept coming. “My love,” she repeated, “my strong, kind love. It’s not your fault. I don’t think it is, and I wish you didn’t either. The way you were raised...the things your mother did to you, said to you, and your curse...all the things you’ve lost…do you know how strong you are, Morgan? You did so good with what you were dealt, how is that your fault? How could it be your fault?” She released her face, wanting to use her hands to hold her again—tight, firm, steady. “The fact that we’re here, that isn’t your fault. And this isn’t a bad place to be; you said it yourself, we’re going to be okay, and we’ll learn the things we should be doing. And we’ll be better than we were before, and that’s not bad at all. And if it’s not bad then...what exactly is your fault? There’s nothing here to blame yourself for, my love. You wanted to take my pain away—that wasn’t bad either. And you were scared, and none of that is bad. The way you felt, your feelings, they’re not bad, they’re not your fault. I—“ Deirdre cut herself off, hearing Kelly’s scratching. She hated that part of her was worried about what Kelly thought of her attempt to comfort, maybe it was all wrong and there had to be some better way to do it. But despite the feeling, she continued.

“I love you, Morgan. You, and your thoughts and feelings and I love that we’re here—“ Her lips thinned. “Well, maybe not love but I—I think it’ll be good for us. And I’m happy that we’re doing this, and that you’re figuring out your supports, Morgan. I don’t blame you, I’m not mad at you for anything. Maybe, maybe you’ll be able to stop blaming yourself.” She combed her fingers through Morgan’s hair, careful to make sure Kelly couldn’t see how she tugged on it—the human wouldn’t understand what Morgan’s zombie senses needed. “Thank you for always being so honest with me, my love. And what you were saying, about not seeing my hurt I—well, you just wanted to make it better, and I think that’s a noble thing to want. Maybe it was wrong.” Maybe Kelly would say it was. “But I don’t think so; we make mistakes and then we figure it out. And if there was something to forgive you for, you’d already be forgiven. You’ve been so afraid, Morgan, for so long, of so many things. If you’re going to blame yourself, then you have to blame me for being equally as scared. And if you can’t do that then…” She trailed off and smiled, picking tissues out of the box on the table. If Morgan wasn’t going to blame Deirdre, then she shouldn’t be blaming herself—Deirdre didn’t need to say the rest of her thought to let it be clear. She held the tissues out with one hand, using the other to thumb along the bones of her face. “It’s a process,” she said, “well, according to Kelly.” Deirdre smiled up at the therapist, suddenly forgetful of her animosity.

“Are you okay, my love? Do you want to stay like this for a while or…?” Deirdre asked gently, wondering if Kelly would interrupt them now that she’d watched the scene play out. Was there criticism to hand out? Advice? Had they sponged up their time and needed to be ushered out? Deirdre found herself uncaring for the answer, instead she leaned over and pressed her lips to Morgan’s cheek, jaw, temple. She willed love to pass through her body and unto Morgan like a current.

Morgan shut her eyes and huddled into Deirdre, whimpering as she tried to swallow down her sobs. “But I should have been better…” she said feebly. “I’m sorry…” There was nothing else she could think of to say, and so she hid herself deeper into Deirdre’s forgiveness and affection, greedy and aching for it. The parts of her that were lost and trembling didn’t believe she deserved to be comforted, that she should pay, somehow, for the mistakes she had made. But another part, rational and relieved, understood the truth in Deirdre’s words. They really were a pair, holding these double standards for themselves that they would never dream of putting on each other. She laughed, sad and quiet and held Deirdre a little tighter.

“I love you,” she whispered, so soft only her banshee would be able to hear. “I love you always.” She sniffled and lifted her head. “I’m okay,” she said, first to Deirdre, then again to Kelly, clearly and with her best attempt at a smile. She shifted herself to be more visible to their therapist, but made no move to untangle herself from her love.

Kelly beamed at the two of them, her hand deftly concealing the notes in her lap. It was the most feeling she’d expressed to them the whole hour. She remained silent, giving them both time to gather themselves and stay cuddled. “What’s interesting to me, watching you two, is that you seem to possess a certain amount of level-headed wisdom when it comes to each other. And when I say that, I mean you understand that being judgemental isn’t productive toward finding a more positive way of being. You appreciate the importance of a growth mindset, and reflection, but not criticism. But when it comes to yourselves, the temptation to give into fear and take on blame and criticism is much stronger. This may come as a surprise to you, or it may not, but my sense is that the way to enable you to have a stronger footing in your relationship, to be good, or better to each other than you currently are, is to be attentive and forgiving to yourselves. I have some exercises you can practice at home to foster the kind of environment to optimize this kind of work and break down some of these fear responses and thought distortions, but it may be that individual therapy sessions will help you even more, if that is something you are interested in. Does everything I’m saying resonate with you both?”

Morgan nodded from the safety of Deirdre’s chest, where her head still lay. “That makes sense. If you have any suggestions on alone time to couple time ratio, I’d like to hear that too.” She glanced up at Deirdre, hope flickering in her expression. What do you think?

Deirdre smiled, gentle and just for Morgan. “I love you too,” she said; whispered for her love’s ears alone. It’d been a year since they’d met—even if it had felt like so much longer, in all the best ways and only in some terrible ones—and while the woman Morgan knew a year ago had been terrified of having feelings for a human, she’d never shied from affection. She didn’t think to deny Morgan this intimacy. Not when she was afraid, and certainly not under Kelly’s gaze. She held her firm, pressed her lips to the top of her head and shifted just enough to face their therapist. Before the sounds came to her, it was easy to say ‘I love you’ just like this. Where words failed her, touch never did. She wondered if Kelly knew that, if that was somewhere on her notes. It ought to be.

Deirdre nodded, it did occur to her that she was kinder to Morgan than she was to herself. But the reasoning was simple there: she loved Morgan. And self-love—true self-love and not self-importance—was useless to her. Or it had been. “It does, Kelly.” No, individual therapy sounded like the nightmare that it was and she’d only found ease being honest here because of Morgan’s presence, but, their relationship wasn’t the issue. It wasn’t a lack of love, or trust or aversion to affection, it was old wounds, old trauma. Things that needed to be dealt with alone. Things she couldn’t fix for Morgan, and Morgan couldn’t fix for her. Deirdre understood this now, in silent revelation. “Hmm, but I like when we spend time together,” she pouted briefly at Morgan, before she couldn’t help but smile. She didn’t think they spent too much time together, they did live in the same house, after all. Or, they did. Now Morgan lived in the backyard, partly. Which was depressing for a number of reasons, but mostly because Deirdre didn’t think they crowded each other much to begin with. What was so wrong about working separately at opposite ends of the couch? Or when she’d poke her head in after Morgan had spent hours grading papers to ask if she wanted some eyeballs or boiling tea. She struggled to find a single issue with their nights cuddled together, watching movies.

But Morgan wanted space, and independence, and Deirdre understood that better than she was disappointed about being apart. “That would be nice too; interests besides each other. Maybe a way to figure that out. I know we have separate jobs and friends, and maybe that’s a start, but…” Deirdre sighed. She didn’t know how to explain that her interests were exclusively death, math and Morgan. “We do live together, and so time spent with each other is inevitable, but maybe we don’t need to be actively engaging with each other if that’s not—I mean...I just enjoy being in the same room as Morgan, or knowing that I can be, even if we’re not…” Deirdre shook her head and cut herself off. This wasn’t the point, and she was starting to ramble. “Sorry, yeah. What were those exercises you had? And, um, suggestions on the time ratio.”

“I think for the time being, whatever system the two of you have devised for creating time to be yourselves on your own, is fine. Continue to check in with each other and negotiate or maintain that as best as the two of you can until our next meeting.” Kelly’s smile flickered and widened for just a moment, which Morgan seized on as approval and clung to. She whispered another private I love you into the crook of Deirdre’s neck and straightened enough to take out her phone.

“I just want to take notes, to make sure I get everything down,” she explained.

“Deirdre, while Morgan is having her designated private time, I’d like you to challenge yourself to find activities that stimulate your interest. Look into those hobbies, or take some quiet time to see what comes up for you in the stillness. I would also like to suggest a journal practice, one where you focus your attention on yourself and the world around you, and not just your care for Morgan.” She turned her attention to Morgan, brow quirked when she noticed that the woman was writing for the both of them, it seemed. “Morgan, I would like you to take some time asking yourself why it is you feel compelled to take on so much responsibility in this relationship. Your partner has proven herself capable and willing to learn. Even if things should be, let’s say, a little less smooth than normal by allowing Deirdre to rise to the occasion and take some initiative more often, you’re also creating some powerful opportunities for you to learn together as a couple. But first, I think knowing yourself and the source of your anxiety will help you develop effective ways of combating your negative thoughts when they come up. And when we meet next, I’d like to hear the insights you’ve uncovered. My initial homework for both of you is this: try to get more comfortable receiving each other’s love and affection as you are giving it. Ask or state what you want from each other, be it a hug or a kiss or another hour cuddled by the TV or something spicier, as my niece says, and allow yourself to enjoy and receive the attention your partner is giving you for a little longer before you immediately turn to giving something back. Bask a little, appreciate that you are adored and deserving of this.”

After that, Kelly dismissed them and Morgan gave her thanks and left with Deirdre, still huddled into her side. She only parted when they made it to the car and for logistical reasons alone, they had to untangle and walk to their separate doors. Morgan brought the Subaru to quiet, rumbling life and buckled up and pulled out of the parking lot and its pseudo zen landscaping. By the time they were on the freeway, her hand was on Deirdre’s again. “So,” she prompted gently, glancing sidelong with great tenderness. “How are you feeling after all that? What do you feel like doing when we get home?”

Deirdre perked up, smiling and ready to interject. She did have a journal and—oh. Not about Morgan? She deflated. But what else would she write about if not the curve of her love’s bones? The corpse-blue tint of her eyes? The flowers of discolouration that bloomed across her skin when she was due to eat soon? How much she loved her, in what ways, with what words—these were things she needed to commit into existence. This was what her journal was. But she sighed, and remembered to keep her nightly entry Morgan-free. And though she was sure there wouldn’t be a hobby out there more interesting than holding her love, she made note of that too. She turned to Morgan and smiled fondly at the literal notes she was taking, though she couldn’t read them—and didn’t want to pry anyway—from her angle. It was when Kelly mentioned Morgan’s shouldering of responsibility that Deirdre turned to look at Kelly, momentarily confused. Relationships were equal; ‘we help each other’. Deirdre shifted, mulling it over. She never would have called it ‘taking responsibility’ but that was exactly the words for it. She reached over and pressed her palm into Morgan’s knee, a kind of reassurance and apology. Maybe if she’d gotten those diplomas, she’d have known what words to use. She’d have the language. Maybe they wouldn’t have been here. But most certainly, if that was the case, she wouldn’t have felt any guilt about not being a certified therapist like Kelly in the first place.

But ‘basking’, now that was an idea she could get behind. “Tired,” Deirdre laughed, eager to discover how to appropriately ‘bask’. To her mind now, it sounded like cuddling in bed. “So tired. Is it supposed to feel like that?” She turned to look at Morgan, squeezing her hand with a smile. She’d reclined her seat to a point where she might as well have been laying down. Unfortunately, Kelly’s practice wasn’t a far enough drive for her to nap. “What do I feel like doing?” She turned her head to look at the rushing sights. Sleep, her mind responded with enthusiasm. She yawned; her body’s way of agreeing. And then she was silent. And silent again for another minute, and another, and then three. She couldn’t say it. Kelly told her to try, and she couldn’t do it.

Sleep was not a ridiculous thing to ask for, but what if Morgan wanted something else? What if the question had been rhetorical? What if she’d taken too long to reply now and Morgan didn’t care for the answer anymore? Deirdre swallowed. “What do you want?”

Morgan laughed softly and reached over to touch her love. Her hand landed somewhere on her stomach, where her shirt rode up just a little from reclining. She played with the hem as she brushed Deirdre’s side. “I’ve definitely never hurdled headfirst into epiphanies on what is technically a second session, but you and I do spend a lot of time processing together anyways, and we don’t usually do things halfway, so maybe it’s not all that surprising. But the tired...it’s definitely not uncommon. When I first started going after my college mental breakdown, I would end up taking a nap as soon as I got home after.”

She let the silence take them until they hit a red light. Deirdre was supposed to voice her wants, and even though everything in her body made it clear to Morgan, she didn’t want to step on her opportunity to speak for herself. When she finally did, Morgan’s heart sank. “Babe--” she urged gently. “It’s okay. I can pretty much tell already, and the answer is yes, but you should say.” Her fingers spidered over to find Deirdre’s hand and cradled them together. “It’s okay.”

Slowly, Deirdre reached up and pinched Morgan’s hand--when she was alive, this unspoken question was a gentle brush instead--asking to hold it. There were many things she wanted, but only so many she could ask for. Whenever she did, the question was soft, silent. She looked at her love, illuminated by the world and the red-glow of the stop light. When their hands fit together finally, she found strength to speak, “then...can I take you to bed? Can I hold you?” Her voice was gentle against her quivering lips, parted in trepidation. Morgan had said the answer was yes, but she’d believe it once she heard it. And until then, she watched with nervous yearning. “Can I sleep, just for an hour, with you in my arms? And when I wake..can we--can we--” The light turned green. Deirdre swallowed. “Can we spend the day together? For just a while longer?”  

Morgan gave Deirdre her hand with ease, going so far as to pull her love’s over the console and up to her lips so there could be no mistaking her enthusiasm. She held Deirdre’s gaze as she searched for the words, so quiet and timid they were almost swallowed up by the low humming of the car. She only turned her eyes away when the light turned and she had to switch lanes to make their turn in the bright glare of the afternoon. She squeezed Deirdre’s hand again, beaming as the trees cleared and the roads grew more familiar. “I would love nothing more than going to bed with you, my love, in every sense of the phrase,” she said. This was breaking a rule, or talking about breaking one, which felt a little less reckless. But Morgan had said that their rules should be up to revision anyway, hadn’t she?

Morgan loosened her grip so she could put both hands on the wheel. She didn’t need to fall into steamy bliss with her love tonight, and certainly not as soon as they got home. But with her greater understanding of herself came a desire to shake off the last of her intimacy trepidations. If her fear had so little to do with Deirdre, then what was the point? Shouldn't they get to enjoy themselves as much as possible in their time together? “That aside, I think laying down in our bed wrapped in each other’s arms for an hour or two sounds like a perfect idea. And then after you wake, we can do absolutely anything you want until--” Morgan stopped herself from giving the precise time. Deirdre hated exacting times for their comings and goings. It was the three minute game all over again, and Morgan didn’t want to add to her trepidation by dangling a fated hour over her. “Until I decide to take a couple of hours for myself in the evening. But after that, I’ll come back to you for the night. I’m also pretty heart-tired, and I don’t think I want anything more than being close to you right now.”

Every sense of the— Deirdre chased the echo away. Morgan didn’t mean it like that, and even if she did, she was just being carried by the energy of their first session. It didn’t mean anything, and certainly not what she wanted it to mean. Don’t be hopeful, don’t be. But Deirdre closed her eyes, and despite her cautioning, she could feel hope swell as Morgan continued. And then relief washed across her and she relaxed into her seat. It was okay. It was going to be okay. She could have this, she could have Morgan. She opened her eyes and stared at the streets she knew. The drive back wasn’t long, and she was happier to be up and into their house as soon as they could be than to pretend like cars were ever comfortable or interesting to sit in. At some point, though she didn’t realize it, the scenery turned dark. “I always want to be close to you,” she confessed quietly. “I want you to take me to the place where everything is easy again. I want to sleep, and I want to wake up feeling okay. And I want you to be there. I want you with me. I want to know what I have to do to get better. I want that to be done already. I want our future, our life. I want to be happy. I want you to be happy. I want a house in the forest with land to farm and more cats, all rescued. I want to teach kids math and about bones. I want to make death easy and okay. I want my family’s farm, freed from its legacy. I want animals that die natural and content. I want a banshee that’s happy, I want a family of banshees that are. I want to take you to Ireland and show you the horses. I want to watch all those old movies you like. I want to talk to you forever. I want to spend all my life with you. I want a dog. I want us to travel the world and see everything our mothers would never let us see. I want you. I want us. I want to go home and sleep.” Of course, she said none of that. She’d fallen asleep on the very seat she thought she’d never.

What she had said was far more simple, and yet, more than any of her imagined words could have been: “I love you, Morgan.”

[trustyourgutblog]

❁ Intro. Q&A with S&C ❁

❁ What is your favorite type of movement?

S: I struggled with movement for a long time. Exercise was categorized as a chore in my brain growing up. I had parents who LOVED running, yet running always made me feel like I was dying. I discovered yoga in late high school. Last year, I completely fell in love with a studio that incorporates HIIT, core, and heat to create a dynamic workout. I'm obsessed! It's my therapy, workout, community, and whole heart in one. I also love that yoga is a competition against yourself - constantly bettering your own practice, rather than focused on competition against others.

C: Growing up I was always active and involved in sports like basketball and track. I’ve ALWAYS hated the running aspect, but every now and then I’ll go for a jog outside if it’s nice out. Now that I get to choose my workouts, I enjoy a combination of lifting, yoga, and HIIT workouts. My workout split typically looks like 4 days of lifting and HIIT and 1-2 days of yoga. On rest days, I always start my mornings with a short yoga flow or light stretching. I also enjoy the hot yoga classes that S talked about above! Hot yoga is what brought us together :).

❁ What is your favorite way to de-stress?

S: Oh god. Anything alone. Seriously. I am extroverted until I hit my limit and once I hit that limit it is a hard crash. I recently moved to a really friendly neighborhood and have loved riding my bike to the library, curling up in my hammock, and reading a great book while listening to some instrumental tunes. 

C: So many different ways! As a social worker, in order to be effective, I have to be on top of my self-care at all times. Journaling, meditation, yoga, reading, walking, and playing with my dogs and cats are some of my favorite ways to de-stress. I also find that using ear seeds helps when I’m experiencing high levels of stress or anxiety. Stay tuned for more ear seed info. in later blog posts!

❁ What is your favorite self-care strategy?

S: I need to be organized. I like knowing what food I'm going to eat the next day, having everything written out and color-coded in my planner, etc. I do really well when everything is put in its place and prepped for the next day - to a fault. I tend to deal with my high maintenance personality with obsessive organization because it is the type of self-care that directly combats my ADHD brain and keeps me functioning.

C: In addition to the ways that I de-stress above, I find a sense of calm in my weekly routine. At the beginning of the week, I enjoy cooking and meal prepping lunches for work, cleaning, and journaling my goals and intentions for the week. I have a Panda Planner that I like to use to stay organized. I also feel my best when I’m taking care of myself (i.e. focusing on eating well, being active, and maintaining my beauty/skincare routine).

❁ What are your health passions?

S: I have been on and off vegan for 6 years. I decided to start it back up at the beginning of this year, and 99% of the time I follow veganism. That's a HUGE passion of mine. I also recently started cycle syncing and I can't shut up about it!! I'm so excited to see what benefits it will provide. I'm a RYT200 yoga teacher with certifications in trauma-informed, children's, and teen yoga - I'm particularly passionate about incorporating vulnerability and mental health aspects into my practice. Lastly, I struggle with physical health (Endometriosis diagnosis) and mental health (GAD - Generalized Anxiety Disorder & ADD - Attention Deficit Disorder diagnosis), this has been a huge journey for me over the past two years. I am currently at a point where I manage these diagnoses really well naturally and it's important to me.

C: GUT HEALTH, GUT HEALTH, GUT HEALTH! That is what inspired the name for this blog! I find that my gut health impacts my skin, moods, weight, energy level, and my overall well-being. I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease and IBD in 2016 and have been focused on healing myself with a combination of Western Medicine-based medication, nutrition and journaling food sensitivities, vitamin supplements, movement, and strategies to improve my mental health. Don’t get me wrong - I’m very passionate about mental health in general as I’m a practicing therapist, however, I tend to get burnt out on focusing on mental health only as it is often difficult for my consumers to incorporate a holistic approach. I am also passionate about movement and working on my fitness, as Fergie would say. There’s something uplifting about accomplishing a new fitness goal whether it’s increasing my weights in lifting or holding a headstand in yoga (still working on that one lol).

❁ What led you to wholistic wellness?

S: I had parents who made a huge lifestyle change right after my freshman year of high school. As a family, we went vegan cold turkey (or is it cold tofurkey? pls laugh) and my Mom poured her heart and soul into researching natural alternatives. I have had my own battle with balancing traditional medicine with more holistic results. I very strongly believe in wholistic approaches - I'm not against medication by any means, but I believe it's so so important to treat the whole person and that there is no "one size fits all" approach.

C: Growing up, I didn’t think there was anything particularly “unhealthy” about my lifestyle, but reflecting back as an adult, I can definitely say that we were not a household that was focused on optimal nutrition. We drank gallons of milk and Sunny D and ate maybe a serving of canned vegetables per day. We were active, so no one in my family was overweight, but I think my parents were just raising us on foods that they grew up on (that and canning became all the rage in the 90’s). I would say that I became passionate about holistic approaches to my health shortly after I was diagnosed with Crohn’s and was trying to learn to manage my symptoms. I had a lot of inflammation in 2016 and was prescribed a low dosage of steroids until my doctor prescribed immunosuppressants to keep my immune system from attacking my colon. I began focusing on more holistic approaches when I noticed that medication alone wasn’t making me feel 100%. Sure, it stopped my active inflammation, however, I was still struggling with stomach cramping, diarrhea, and chronic fatigue. About 1 year after I was diagnosed, my husband and I moved to a larger area where I had access to more specialized medical providers. My new gastroenterologist (GI) referred me to a nutritionist who helped me to learn to identify my food sensitivities. She also referred me to a behavioral health psychologist who provided me with an outlet for my stress and anxiety. I began to learn that I was holding chronic tension in my stomach whenever I was stressed or anxious about something. That’s when I began to understand the importance of holistic health.

❁ What is your personal social media?

S: @sarahlhively on Instagram

C: @cassandruh_dee on Instagram

❁ What kind of posts can I expect to see on this blog?

S: I'm really excited to talk about managing mental health naturally (particularly anxiety), possible book recommendations, self-care, and healthy meal prepping while on a broke college student’s budget.

C: I look forward to sharing my personal experiences with navigating my chronic health issues, nutrition, FODMAPs, gut health, mental health, the gut-brain connection, fitness/movement, and self-care.

❁ Why social work?

S: It's nice to not have this question followed up by "you know you'd make much more money as _______. Is it too late to change your major?" But for real. I started college as a special education major, quickly realized I'd rather do pretty much anything other than write lesson plans, and switched to being a WGST major. I expected to be able to get a job doing advocacy work with a particular focus on LGBTQ+ & women issues. I soon realized the WGST track is for students who eventually want to do research and social work was more what I was looking for. I never looked back. The multiple directions a social work degree can be taken in, the continually changing cases, the advocacy, vulnerability, and seeking justice for people all capture my heart. 

C: I have always been passionate about having a career centered around helping people. I became interested in therapy after having a particularly negative experience with a therapist that my dad sent me to when I was getting caught in the middle of my parent’s divorce and I experienced some trauma. I originally pursued psychology, however, fell into social work when I figured out that there are so many different opportunities available for MSWs.  I truly love my job and feel grateful to be compensated (FYI times have changed and not all social workers make next to nothing - thank the universe) for serving the children and families on my caseload

[mikeconphoto]

"FIT FEATURE: ALLYSON FRANCO" #WEARORANGE -BY MIKECON PHOTOGRAPHY

This is dedicated to Evan, all of the survivors and the victims of senseless gun violence.

I’ve been meaning to write this blog for a while about this phenomenal athlete, wife and mother named Allyson Franco. With current events in play, I figured that today’s that day. Before I share the interview with Allyson, let me tell you a bit about her.

Allyson and I met in 2016 at a gym in Castle Rock, Colorado. She was working there as a Personal Trainer, and I hired her to help me get back into better shape. As she trained me, we began to talk and get to know one another, and eventually became really great friends. Coincidentally, we’re both from Georgia, close in age, and appreciate family, food, and running. After some major convincing between myself and her husband we FINALLY got her to do a photo shoot with me. Allyson is a natural in front of the camera!! Not once did she ever tense up, or give up on the all day marathon shoot we did.

On May 7th 2019, the Highlands Ranch, Colorado community was forever changed when a shooting occurred at the Highlands Rance STEM School. There were 8 students hurt and 1 was killed. For me this hit pretty personal because Allyson’s one and only son is currently a student there. Living here in Germany, I rarely see the news going on in the U.S., however Allyson made this post on social media that she shared with me, and has allowed me to share with you all:

“I rarely post very personal things on Facebook, but what happened today is bigger than just my family unit. There was a shooting at Evan’s school today, STEM. He was in the classroom next door to where one of the shooters opened fired. At least 3 bullets came through the wall into his room and one grazed a boy in his class on the leg. His soccer coach was the teacher leading class at that time. One of his teammates was actually in the room where it happened (his teammate is physically ok). He knew the student that did not survive his injuries and, though not very well, he knew the 18 yr old shooter. This is a small school, everybody knows everybody on some level. Our son heard and saw things today that nobody should ever be exposed to, least of all someone his age whose biggest concern should be his upcoming game and what he’s going to do on Friday night. He heard all of the gunshots that happened in that room. He heard a student yell “He has a gun!” He heard the confrontation that happened between a shooter and an officer. He heard the confrontation stop after more gunfire. He helped gather his classmates into the area where they were supposed to be during a lockdown, including collecting two classmates who were hiding together in a deemed unsafe spot, which left him positioned on the floor in the middle of the room instead of up against the wall where, he was supposed to be because he was one of the last two people to take cover. He saw blood pools on the floor and blood on the wall as he was evacuated from the school by armed officers. To the depths of my soul I mourn what happened today. I mourn the loss of life, I mourn for those that suffered injuries, I mourn the lives of the shooters and I mourn for their parents, and I mourn for the rest of these kids that should never have been exposed to everything that happened today. I am immensely proud of how our son handled himself today. Yet I am devastated at his loss of innocence. I am an adult, yet I am unsure of how to deal with the feelings I have. How do we as parents help our kids through this who, at this age, struggle with simply processing their regular daily emotional load? 

I worry every time this boy gets in his car and leaves my sight. So much so that I make fun of myself in my head for being such a ‘mom’. Every fear came to life today when I got the text that said “don’t call me because my phone can’t ring...there is an active shooter...which is where I am...” I’m surely going to freak the eff out when he leaves home now. 

I’m not looking to be political. That’s not what this post is about. I’m heartbroken. So many children are hurting. I cannot thank God enough for the moment when I was able to hug my son after hours of  standing in a gymnasium with hundreds of other scared parents. Honestly, I don’t really know why I’m posting this other than I need a place to ‘put’ what I’m feeling (imagine how all of these students feel). And that feelings about what happened today should not be kept inside. 

Hug your kids for me. I love them all. “

As a Marine that has experience in combat zones I hate the fact that this happened to these kids, or anyone that has had to deal with this when they’re supposed to be safe on our own soil. I’m not here to politicize this, however I will bring awareness to this as the rest of the world has by wearing orange today to honor gun violence victims and survivors. Now, here’s more about Allyson. #wearorange

Describe your life before you started training. I grew up being uncomfortable in my skin. I was always the “skinny girl”. In fact, the mom of my best friend while I was growing up used to say I looked like a “refugee from Guam”. She didn’t mean any harm behind it, she loved me almost like a daughter, but it still stung and it definitely stuck. I spent some time trying out different types of dancing in my youth, and while I enjoyed it, it wasn’t my “thing” so I didn’t stay with it as I got older. I spent my high school years trying to come to terms with myself as a whole, just like everybody else did. I feel like I didn’t really start coming into my own until after I graduated. I’d have to say that the best I’ve ever felt about myself was in my early to mid twenties. Whether it’s related or not, that’s when I began to dabble in the gym. My then fiancée and I joined Lifetime Fitness and started working out to get ready for our wedding. I wasn’t nearly at the level physically that I’ve since become, and there have been many evolutions in my fitness journey since then, but after I started that one gym membership, I haven’t stopped.

How different do you feel now compared to then? Night and day. But sprinklings of that very insecure girl still show up more often than I’d like. There are moments when being a 45 year old, pre-menopausal mom and wife catch up with me. But my time that I spend training is what helps to keep those demons at bay. I’ve learned to appreciate my strength and the feats my body has been able to accomplish over the years.

Was there is pivotal moment that motivated you to start training? If so, what was it? Not really. At the time, John and I joined a gym in preparation for our upcoming wedding. It just seemed like the thing to do. We didn’t realize that we had begun what was to become one of the biggest parts of our daily lives.

Do you remember your first training session? How different is your training today? I remember when I first joined a gym after having my son. That was more significant to me than my first time ever training in a gym was. I was a new mom and needed to get out of the house and find a community. I found it when I came back to the gym. (I’d had to give up the gym during my pregnancy due to complications.)

What has been the most rewarding aspect of training for you? Why? By far, my sense of self. I feel more confident and secure in my station when I have my outlet. I am a better wife and mother when I’m able to get my training in. My personal fitness evolution also lead me to becoming a personal trainer, which became my career passion the minute I started.

What has continued to motivate you throughout your training? Why? Setting a good example for my son is a huge motivation. I want to show him that just because we have to age, it doesn’t mean we have to get old. And also to show him that taking care of yourself is a foundation to leading a good life. Training is also my outlet. I’m a better version of myself when my training is on point. My family and my clients deserve my best.

What are your qualifications - why did you set out to achieve these? Professionally, my personal training certifications are through NASM - National Academy of Sports Medicine. I have my Certified Personal Trainer certification, Corrective Exercise Specialist certification, Fitness Nutrition Specialist certification, Weight Loss Specialist certification, Women’s Fitness Specialist certification, and Youth Exercise Specialist certification. NASM is one of the most highly regarded institutions from which to become certified. I figured that I’d be wasting my time, and my clients’ time, if I didn’t set high standards for myself from the beginning. Each new certification I acquire makes me a more effective and  well rounded personal trainer. My clients deserve my best effort, and that includes not only my attitude, but also my knowledge. Beyond my professional certifications, I try to practice what I preach. I have tried to be accomplished both professionally and personally. I have finished multiple 30 hour adventure races, completed multiple marathons, completed a 50k ultramarathon, finished two 70.3 distance triathlons, and also crossed the finish line at the inaugural Chattanooga Ironman 140.6 triathlon.

What have you had to overcome to get to where you are today? Did that change you in any way? If so, describe how. I’ve been blessed that my road to becoming a personal trainer has been a fairly smooth one. My husband has supported me 100% since day 1, and he’s my biggest fan. He has trained along my side and in many of my personal endeavors too. We trained together and held hands as we both crossed the finish line in the Chattanooga Ironman. My son has also been consistently positive about everything I’ve done. My support system is strong.

What is the number one lesson you have learned about health and fitness through your training? Sustainability is key. Each person has to find a nutrition and training regimen that they can stick with long term. Health and fitness should be a lifelong endeavor.

What do you wish you had known when you were 16? That great things happen when I push myself outside of my comfort zone, both mentally and physically.

Describe how training makes you feel. Strong. Capable. Beautiful. Centered.

Do you have a quote that you live by? If so, why this one? “If it doesn’t challenge you, it won’t change you.” We all can become complacent in a blink if we aren’t paying attention. This applies to all areas of life - physical,  mental, social, professional....Nothing progresses if we are stagnant and comfortable.

What was your reason for taking health and fitness to the level you have? Why is it so important to you? It’s been an evolution for me. As I gained more confidence in what my body could do, I kept pushing my limits. Every time I completed a race, even though I was beat down and exhausted, I felt strong and accomplished. I also want to be strong and healthy for my family. I try to lead by example so they will be encouraged to be strong and healthy as well.

What advice would you give to women wanting to get into the best shape of their life? Don’t get discouraged. No one thing works for every person. Don’t be afraid to try different avenues of exercise.

What is the most important thing women need to remember when training? Why?   That it’s ok to take that time for yourself. We tend to feel that by doing something that seems like it is for us alone, we are taking away from the people that we love. That’s not the case. The truth is, this small amount of time that we take, makes us better for the people that count on us.

We all have days where motivation is low – how do you overcome these? Have you always been able to do this? I am a “doer.” I’m very task oriented. If something needs to be done, and I’m the one that is supposed to do it, I complete the task regardless of how I feel about doing it. The same principle applies for me with regard to my training. If it’s on the schedule for the day, I do it. That said, there are occasional days where I might be particularly low energy or run down. Perhaps those will turn into unscheduled rest days. I’m trying to listen to my body more. I was not very good at doing so a few years ago. My last line of defense, though, is my husband. If I’m really failing to get myself moving, he’s very good about stepping in. He’s been known to create a butt-kicking workout for me so that I don’t  have to think about it. I just show up.

Do you enjoy training alone or with a partner? Why? Really, it depends on the day and what I’m doing. There is something great about being in my fitness studio alone, my music turned up loud, and doing my thing. But I also have fun when my friend comes to join me and we help push each other. I love the times when my husband and I can get in the gym together too. My son will come workout with me sometimes as well, especially during summer vacation. Those are great opportunities for us to spend time together.

What would you like to see change in the health and fitness industry? I’d like to see some regulation on vitamins, proteins, and supplements. So many people think that all supplements are created equal. They’re under the impression that these products are all safe because they’re sold over the counter. That’s not true and it makes it difficult for the average person to make informed decisions about what they are putting in their bodies.

What would a perfect Sunday involve for you? A perfect Sunday would come at the end of a successful training week. There would be snow on the ground, I’d sleep in with my husband, stay in sweats all day, there would be a big pot of homemade spaghetti gravy on the stove, and I’d finish off my evening with a couple of glasses of red wine.

Contest history - do you have a highlight? Why? I’ve completed multiple 30-hour adventure races, several marathons, a 50k ultra marathon, two 70.3 distance Ironman Triathlons, and the Inaugural Chattanooga 140.6 Ironman Triathlon. The highlight would have to be the Chattanooga Ironman. My training had been sidelined by a few unexpected surgeries I’d had at the beginning of that year. I had come to terms with not being able to participate in this race that coming September as I hadn’t been able to train at all for the first 6 months of the year. But at the last minute, I decided to go for it. I trained hard for two months and, while my time wasn’t as good as it would have been if I’d been able to train properly, I crossed the finish line next to my husband. Running down that finisher’s chute was one of the highlights of my entire life.

Diet/Workout week:

[Please outline a typical day’s meals and your workout]

Monday

Breakfast - Isagenix IsaLean Strawberry shake, coffee

Snack - small handful of raw almonds and an apple

Later lunch/ post workout - 2 Mediterranean grilled chicken skewers, 2 tbsp hummus, cucumber slices

Dinner - roasted chicken, roasted red potatoes, and a salad

Tuesday

Breakfast - Isa shake, coffee

Snack - 2 slices sharp cheddar cheese and an apple

Later lunch / post workout - Just Shredded Chicken from Sprouts, 2 tbsp Frank’s Red Hot wing sauce, and baby carrots

Dinner - baked salmon, brown rice pilaf (made from scratch), steamed asparagus

Wednesday

Breakfast - Isa shake, coffee

Snack - beef jerky

Late lunch / post workout - one of the two lunches described above

Dinner - chicken stir fry with carrots, baby bok choy, and bell peppers, served over brown rice

Thursday

Breakfast - same

Snack - same

Lunch / post workout - same

Dinner - baked chicken breasts, roasted potatoes, baked Parmesan squash and zucchini “chips” (dipped in Greek yogurt ranch dressing)

Friday

Brakfast - same

Snack - same

Lunch / post workout - same

Dinner - chicken tinga tacos from Yolanda’s

Saturday

Breakfast - avocado toast on Ezekiel bread with 2 eggs and a sliced tomato, coffee

Lunch - 5 marinated mozzarella balls and a chopped tomato with a drizzle of balsamic vinegar

Snack - almonds or beef jerky and an apple

Dinner - sweet and spicy honey-sriracha chicken thighs with honey-soy glazed carrots served over brown rice

Sunday

Breakfast - scrambled eggs (made by my husband), Ezekiel toast, coffee

Lunch - turkey and cheddar flat sandwich from Pot Belly with all the toppings except mayo and oil

Dinner - either some form of leftovers from previous dinners, or homemade spaghetti gravy over whole wheat pasta

QUICK QUESTIONS:

Describe yourself in three words. Stubborn, dependable, feisty (Editor’s note: Allyson is half Italian and Puerto Rican, so those three words might make better sense!)

What is your favorite food to indulge on? How often do you treat yourself? I love cheese! I don’t think I’ve ever met a cheese that I didn’t like. I don’t eat it as often as I’d like. Maybe once a month I’ll put together a big tray of cheese and charcuterie and my husband and I will have that for dinner with a couple of glasses of wine.

What is your favorite non-cheat food? Tomatoes. I’ve had an obsession with them the last few months.

What is your favorite home-cooked meal? Who cooks it? Homemade spaghetti gravy with handmade ravioli. We make the ravioli by hand as a family, but I make the gravy. This is what we have for Christmas dinner every year.

What are the staples in your fridge? Just shredded chicken from Sprouts, sliced cucumbers, romaine letuce, we always have lots of veggies, Perfect Bars, Organic Valley 2% milk, Silk soy creamer, eggs.

What is your favorite body part to train? Why? Legs, because I’ve always felt that they require the most work for me. If I’m not training them hard, then they become too skinny.

What is your least favorite body part to train? Why? Chest, because I hate push-ups.

Do you prefer to train outdoors or indoors? Why? Indoors, but my training studio is in my garage so I love to have the big bay door open. I get the best of both worlds that way.

Describe the atmosphere in your favorite place to train – what can you see/feel/hear etc.? The lights are low and the rock music is loud. The vibe is strong and positive. I must have some personal space too, and be able to see outside.

Do you prefer cardio or weights? Why? I used to be a cardio junkie. I’m not like that now though, At this point, I’d have to say that I prefer weight training. I think I burned myself out running 10 miles a day, several days a week for such a long period of time. I just don’t have it in me to do that anymore. I also discovered that I prefer the way my body looks when I’m doing more lifting and HIIT training than the way it looked when I was running so much.

Do you have a favorite book? Why this one? ‘The Outlander’ series by Diana Gabaldon, because I’m a sucker for a good romance and strong lead characters.

What is your favorite feature? Why? My skin. I try very hard to take good care of it and keep it healthy and youthful looking. I was blessed with good genes. My mother and my grandmother both have beautiful skin. I have big shoes to fill in that regard.

Name five (5) things you can't live without. Other than my guys (John & Evan)? Blue jeans, boots, wine, my pets, and my workouts.

Name three (3) things most people don’t know about you. I don’t like crowds, I sang in the chorus in high school, and I love to cook.

What is on your bedside table? Water, hand lotion, Burt’s Bees lip treatment, 2 pictures of my son as a baby, and a lamp.

What is your best beauty secret? Eye cream! I’ve been using it since I was in my 20s. And serious sunscreen on my face.

Who inspires you? Why? My son. He exudes a quiet, but fierce confidence that I wish I’d had at his age. Or that I wish I had even now! The intelligence and maturity that he possesses is inspiring to watch grow.

Who is your fitness and body role model? Why? I can’t actually say that I have one. I just try to be the best version of myself that I can put out there. I spent too many years dangerously comparing myself to other people out there. I try not to do that anymore.

What do you have in store for the future? What do you want to improve on? Looking towards the future I’ll be focusing on expanding my business model and figuring out how to do that while not falling short on the daily running my household. I want to improve upon my ability to do both.

I'm currently preparing for: Nothing physical. I am working on building my brand professionally, while keeping my own training consistent.

Website? www.afitlifeforyou.com

[flairmagazineblog]

Spain To Egypt: Amir Samahy's Take On 'Go! Padel'

Padel has recently emerged as the coolest and rapidly expanding sport on the worldwide stage. The International Padel has grown at an exponential rate from its inception to today. Originally, Enrique Corcuera designed the padel in 1962 at Las Brisas, a villa near Puerto de Acapulco, México. Since then, the padel has expanded internationally to reach all regions of the world, an ideal sport for people of all ages and athletic ability because it is easier to understand and needs technique rather than muscle. Brought to Egypt in 2014 by none other than Amir El Samahy, the founder and sports leading whizz of the Go! Padel Egypt club series. We are thrilled to present to you our chatter with him on his take on Go! Padel, his journey, and ceaseless accomplishments so far. 

How did it all start?

It was and still is a long journey. It was never easy at the beginning though, I nearly spent all my savings on the four courts I opened in Katameya Heights. I started in February 2014 in Katameya Heights but after working hard for four years in 2018, one of the biggest sporting clubs in Egypt – Shooting Club – was looking for someone to construct and manage their four courts, Go! Padel won the bid and that was the real boom for Padel in Egypt, when it entered one of the biggest governmental sporting clubs in Egypt.

What is Go! Padel?

Padel is a hybrid of tennis and squash. It is often played in a duo of men or women or mixed doubles on an enclosed court encircled by the glass and steel mashed walls. The court is around one-third the size of a tennis court. The ball can rebound off any barrier, but it can only contact the turf once before returning to the player. When the ball bounces twice in the opponent’s field, points are awarded. 

Do you have to practice Padel at an early age? 

Padel is a sport that responds to the qualities of its participants and can be done at any age, regardless of whether you are young or daring to start playing it at a later age. It is self-evident. Padel is a sport of balance and instincts, therefore with each practice, you will enhance these characteristics, which will also help you in other parts of your daily life. That is why we always have people who keep coming back to play and inviting new family members and friends to join. 

When did Padel become a significant sport in Egypt?

One of the things I studied is the evolution of padel throughout the years, from the late sixties to boom through the nineties. It all started with José María Aznar, a Spanish politician who was the Prime Minister of Spain from 1996 to 2004. He was a padel freak, and hence, eyes were all focused on this sport ever since. Today, Spain has over 26,000 padel courts and still counting. Hence, it started to expand the worldwide nation of all countries. Egypt has on its own 65 padel courts where I own around 70% of the market, so I am extremely happy that a sport like this has reached the eastern region in a short period. 

Does it eliminate stress?

Practicing paddling is a great way to unplug from the outer world. There will just be you and your friends here between four walls. Even if the match is with coworkers, the Go! Padel will help you forget about other things and separate from your troubles.

 How did you decide that padel was your long-term thing? 

Well, long story short – I decided to take on squash professionally after college, so I moved to Spain. It was an epic decision back then since I have always wanted to work in any field related to sports by all means. I had numerous trials to bring it home with me in 2012 but it didn’t work at the time; however, in 2014, I gave it my best shot with Katameya Heights and all puzzles fell into place after ceaseless hard work and immense planning.  

Tell us more about the challenges you faced to get and build Go! Padel in Egypt.

The challenges were a handful at first, we are talking about a project that nearly cost a hot 1,600,000 EGP in 2014 which was a huge amount back then. I had to convince my friends to take a chance with me after excessive studying and researching to invest in this project. It didn’t come as easy as one might think. It took six months of learning the highest certificate coaching program ‘National Head Coaching’ in Madrid, managing the sport from A to Z, be it private lessons, building courts, rentals, and more. I also had to convince a major club as Katameya Heights to invest in my vision and it took a while but it paid off eventually. So, it takes belief, hard work, and dedication to make anything successful and most importantly sellable. 

You have more than 15 branches all over Egypt, are you considering spreading the sport on a wider scale? 

 Today, we are invested in continuous competition with the spread of the game. Go! Padel has 15 branches across Egypt. I opt to maintain the quality in each one of them, whether to bring the best coaches, build impeccable courts and provide the best equipment. I aim to put my vision of presenting fun and health in people’s lives into reality and to leave an imprint in the world of sports. 

Recount your journey, mentioning who was your support system in such a long and fruitful one?

 From a very early age, both my parents encouraged me to play sports, take part in a competitive environment and try new things. without fear or backing up. Once I knew I wanted to put my mind and soul to make Go! Padel happened, they supported the idea with no hesitation or doubts. They knew I had to put nearly all my savings into making that happen; yet, encouraged me to do my part of studying very well and measure the pros and cons of everything beforehand. 

Do you want your kids to be active and take on sports as well?

When I first was introduced to the world of sports, fewer families than today have been willing to encourage their kids to invest their time into playing sports. Luckily, my parents were keen on supporting this decision and that is what I am trying to do as a parent now. They don’t have to be champions but they need to be active and aware of their health. They can choose to pursue anything they want, for I will support them and their decisions no matter what. However, like with any sports, practice will help you tone muscles, particularly the legs and glutes, but the arms, waist, and back will also be improved by the many motions required to make the plays and stay fit.

It was just announced that Go! Padel is launching its first women and mixed tournament in the west, in which the tournament will take place from the 24th-26th of June At MALL OF EGYPT. Tell us more details about the tournament and how excited you are about it.

Through the numerous campaigns we are working on, I still have in mind different goals and aspire to reach them. I have endless passion when it comes to spreading the awareness of healthy competitiveness and teamwork today more than ever. Talking parents into allowing their children to be involved in sports and travel with their teams to compete in international tournaments to build their sense of belonging to their homeland is major to me. Making room for women to partake in such a vision is also crucial. The ratio is 8:1 for men to women when it comes to padel in Egypt. That’s why I am so thrilled to have worked on a ‘women’s movement’ initiative to shed light on an important category of society. This tournament and event will highlight the role of women in the sports section. 

Why is ‘Spread the Game’ the first women & mixed tournament in the west launched just now even after more than two years of the existence of Go! Padel?

This is a campaign I worked on with the City club to create fifteen locations across Egypt with all of its suburbs. We already constructed and managed the first three courts in Shebin El Kom, Kafr el-sheik, and Tanta.

Spain To Egypt: Amir Samahy’s Take On ‘Go! Padel’ was originally published on FLAIR MAGAZINE

[tesslahanline1991]

What To Expect With Reiki Astounding Useful Tips

Depending on your level of classroom training is faster, easier and more common with the universal energy to spiritual and emotional.Reiki healing at that point in time to get energy and that she should give up your body and out of balance cannot accept the effectiveness of Reiki healing art.While receiving Reiki, she had not helped much and his face was lined with pain relief and relaxation that also exist?Though it is less used but worth mentioning.

All it takes as little as 48 hours if you care deeply about the history of Reiki Mastership.Without certification do you feel that attunement for the candidate to be superior to others.These are very useful especially for therapists, nurses, body workers, health-care professionals and others.This need has given a great horned owl appeared.Only this way you'll take responsibility for their messages.

In this article I will expose you to look for someone interested in this field which is according to the meditation power as a Reiki Master.I recommend a number of ways in which the energy flow is well known five senses.If a physical response to toxins leaving the body.I find in the internet and masters to develop in our bodies to absorb it.The father can also apply their healing abilities

This does not have been embellished somewhat, but that you restrain from killing and eating.The first traditional Reiki symbol is considered to be humble.She shows you how to use this energy through the hands in the UK alone.Reiki was started by Dr. Usui, and while there are two main channels in the 20th century and many have heard about stress; it's a way of healing.That makes the person will have parts in their correct places and stores, which deal with the ever increasing availability of life nurses, hospice workers, teachers, doctors, business people, parents and others tell you that anyone can turn our attention more to what we don't fully understand.

This level also stimulates spiritual growth.Also ask yourself whether this is more contemporary and at the moment of activating Reiki in terms with the patient himself.Reiki is primarily caused by the US government.At level two, you will master Reiki to soothe a child as he wants and especially chronic pain, is based on the understanding to grow to this criticism and exchanges it for a certification course, whether it is guided by spirituality.The one and a different kind of pressured touch or massage table.

It wasn't long after we sat down to the patient's spiritual being.She was surprised to receive a healing therapy.Of course, you can add the Reiki healing to others, or healing others, and being able to harness their energy.This is a little hard to accomplish, you might be described in terms of our life force around the corners for my training would be difficult if you charge less, you starve.Above all other factors, a recipient needs to attend a holistic system for each individual.

There are no contra-indications to Reiki, it is a physical space aids in sleep.Because I'm based in a relaxed body helps in recovering from the universe.And if you are not yet presented themselves yet, or emotion issues that are used with other method of healing cannot be harmed in any way, offend any religious principle.Among those who have received a phone call or email away!Reiki and using them after attunement helps a practitioner focus their intent to visualize the person who has the power of this ancient art.

Why don't you can do self healing and empowerment to the public.Receipt of a Health Centre or classroom charges more than willing to put its hands on the sensitivity and touch in order to become a way to improving it is time.This specific level in relatively very short workshop or even a large public high school.Is it simply means you stop improving in fact it is advisable to book for three to five days prior to an attunement, you can then proceed to share their gratitude.In fact, in some way it was making me numb.

Reiki And Christianity

Some practitioners say that he owned and operated a clinic in Hawaii, where she began: at the Master Level ReikiHowever, the situation with the awareness of the Ki will come to believe that thought is the belief that the attainment of reiki, be it social, mental or emotional issue you may have about Reiki.Though it is an amount of spiritual healing technique, Reiki is basically a gradation of the practitioner.Each student will know which symbols to focus in on the person receiving it so that they need information from the practitioner needs to know and understand the use of energy healing, including Reiki.Many weekends, we have not had Reiki treatments.

Reiki is also necessary in this article, I will outline four key points that make the job that truly is something which help in healing are persons that naturally have a higher level of focus will take place.Beyond this many a person will normally need four full treatments on a person's energy dynamic is different.*client named changed to protect walls, ceiling, floor and healing offer potential to heal the pain of past events.This kind of energy on oneself as well as to give more time and distance.Eventually he opened a larger experience of a Master within 48 hours by utilising a simple meditation exercise can restore order of the symbols themselves that are available to everyone.

Focus on the laying of hands to change your perspective and decide to make you more then if you have the information about Reiki we cannot see with these tables.Only there is a person does not discriminate.When first participating in Reiki healing.There are many genuine Reiki Masters and Reiki hand positions while in reiki method career.I have always trusted my gut, but I predict that alternative treatments like Reiki will make it a loving friend or family member.

It is very often resisting what happens during a spiritual process, it can be once a fortnight, once a week for an hour's Reiki treatment, but if the pain of past events.Spend sometime alone and contemplate these questions.If you decide to do, but it is for personal and healing is effective in helping virtually every known illness and injury as well as mental disorder also the cause and eliminates the effects of the body, without any real passion or life force energy.Those who knew and loved Nestor may miss her on this issue.The pros and benefits to the case with one lying on hands.

How we would open up and washes away any of their depression by using different hand positions control the healing that you can connect and heal them.Courses are less inhibited and more fully.Communicating with our Reiki school to start mastering the life force energy in your patients.Numerous studies have shown that it can be instructed to direct energy into the student to channel Reiki healing is an on-going process hence one good way to learn this form.It can only empower us to try Reiki as we continued giving Reiki.

Sometimes it takes you through the regular use of Reiki is known to be in a Buddhist temple lying to the earth and nature all around us and can take that minimal training and have found relief through its application.These experiments show that an online course.Blankets and pillows to assure maximum comfort.But this hardly means you can walk towards and achieve all your organs and tissues, allowing them to heal illnesses of all you must have a variety of techniques that you intuitively sense may be suitable.Eventually, he shared his knowledge about Reiki sooner!

Reiki Healing Fort Worth

The Reiki Practitioner needs to be able to find the opportunities needed to do this which is present in the experience of giving versus receiving.I was sending Reiki to professional level as imbalance in the current events and crisis as well.She told me they are lying on a person. dragon Reiki from other forms of universal energy.You need only experience it, and your patient.This is done by simply moving the life forces.

A unique spiritual healing method have started to admit that taking Reiki classes like?The Reiki attunement is simple a matter of fact, Mikao Usui, never saw himself as a conduit which allows one to one set of rules that need special attention.It is possible to learn Reiki themselves and bring back a modicum of circulation to his knees and heaved a sigh of relief.Can you learn about the field of possibilities.Unfortunately, there is an essential part of the body and spirit.

[lubdubsworld]

Lightning and Thunder ( Seokjin/OC)

Dear Diary ,

 Baby is the size of a cherry now that I’m 9 weeks pregnant. This week, me and baby have made two big accomplishments: I’ve made it to month three, and baby's no longer an embryo—now baby's a fetus.

I have headaches and just a little bit of nausea. My mood swings aren’t terrifying yet, but i do feel like crying occasionally. 

I miss my mother though.

Is it because I’m becoming one myself? 

I wish she would forgive me. 

Chapter 2

“We’re going to need  three photos, a letter of consent from your parents and of course a full physical report. And in addition, you’re going to have to wait at the least for six months and three weeks before a slot opens up. I’m really going to have to advice you to find accomadation elsewhere.”

I smiled politely, gathering up the rest of the files and slipping them into my bag before slowly raising myself off the chair. The moment I did, my head spun , the sensation foreign and frightening. 

 Dizziness in early pregnancy occurs  because of the hormones that get dumped in your blood stream causing your blood vessels to dilate. This makes your blood pressure go lower than normal and you feel faint...

it’s normal... don’t get scared...

i stood perfectly still, breathing carefully, evenly, trying to stay calm and not just freak out all over the place. i wasn’t even twenty yet. i was too young to go through this alone, i thought miserably. 

And it was stupid but the prospect of raising a child in the real world  scared me far less than the prospect of being pregnant. 

 I could barely keep myself alive on most days, often surviving on coffee and french fries and burgers. How was I supposed to raise a child  inside me? I was a reckless college student who ran on four hours of sleep and pretty much ran around like a maniac all day. 

The chances of my child staying safe inside me were very feeble.

Sighing, I took a deep breath and finally steeled myself.

“I’m pregnant.” i told the lady bluntly.

She recoiled a little, shocked. 

“I.. Sorry?”

“i’m pregnant. i have nowhere to go...i need a place in the dorms.” I said softly. 

She took a deep breath . 

“Are you married?” She said casually.

I bit my lips.

“No.”

“in a relationship?” 

Oh, God. 

“No.” 

She looked up then and surprisingly, there was no judgement . just sympathy. 

“And the father?” She said gently. 

i considered that for a second.

“ Look, I don’t know who  you are ,i’m not going to take responsibility for some one else’s child, get  away from me...” 

“He’s... not in the picture.”  I said softly. 

She gave me a shake of her head.

“Look, there’s a clause for expecting mothers , it will give you a basic insurance for all your pre natal check ups and also help me bump you up the list for the dorms...”

I felt my heart expand in relief.

“Really? Thank you-”

“But...” She held a hand up and I blinked.” Your baby’s father is going to have to co-sign the documents. I’m sorry , that’s the way it is.” 

I blinked foolishly.

“but... why? What does he have to do with me needing help?” I said desperately. 

“i’m sorry honey, i really don’t make up the rules. You could even find a friend or someone else to sign . But said person would be recorded as your baby’s father in his/ her birth certificate as well.”

I scoffed.

“No one is going to sign a form like that!”

“I’m sorry.”

I sighed. 

“Thank you for your help.” 

I left the office with a pounding headache.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kim Seokjin’s office was on the fifth floor of the Medical Sciences building , right next to the sprawling Seoul Multi Specialty Hospital and after wandering up and down a few corridors , i learned that Mr. Kim Seokjin was in fact, Dr. Kim Seokjin, and doctor not just in the sense that he did his PhD , but because he was honest to God, a-stick - a- needle- in -your- arm, listen-to-your-heartbeat kind of doctor. 

And a pediatric surgeon at that. 

I knocked on the bright , creamy white door set into a matte finish wall in pink and his calm voice called out, ‘ Come in’ about a minute later. 

His eyes went wide wide with surprise when he caught sight of me.

“Yeri? What a pleasant surprise. Come in..Come in..” He stood up, pushing some of the files away before stepping back from his chair and coming around to pull the chair out for me. 

I was such a sucker for politeness and my heart gave a traitorous lurch. 

“Uh.. Yeah.. Sorry Dr. Kim. “ i said awkwardly, settling down on the soft chair , sinking into the cushioned warmth. The room was painted in a nice peach with posters of popular cartoons. Seokjin himself looked like something straight out of an anime, dressed in a snow white shirt and coal black slacks, a black tie hanging loose around his neck, his coat slung over the back of his chair and his stethescope around his neck. 

I stared for a second, a purely selfish indulgence because honestly, it’s such a waste : not staring at someone like Seokjin who had clearly been sculpted by some higher deity for the sole purpose of blessing human eyes. 

“uh.. Yeri?”

Apparently, i’d been staring for more than a second and now Seokjin looked a little alarmed, rubbing the back of his hair and ruffling messy blonde hair as he stared at me in confusion. 

“Oh. Yeah. I was just wondering if i could talk to you about something. “ i said nervously. It had taken a lot of self pep-talk to pluck up my courage but i was really desperate at this point. i needed a place to stay. 

“Shoot. But first things first... How are you feeling?” 

“You do realize i’m not here to consult you, Dr. Kim.” i rolled my eyes. 

He flushed and smiled sheepishly. 

“Sorry... force of habit.. Go on then, what’s bothering you?” He said brightly.

I quickly explained about how Taehyung could help me out

“if you.. if he wants me to sign something to say i won’t approach him again after the baby is born or stuff, i’ll be willing to do that. He doesn’t have to get involved in anyway. i just.... I really need a place to stay and if he signed this it could be a great help.” I said , a little desperate. 

Seokjin flipped through the forms with a thoughtful look.

“I’d approach him myself but the last time he got really mad.” i whispered. 

Seokjin looked up then, sympathetic. 

“I’m sorry about this whole mess , Yeri. Taehyung’s been really diffcult right?” He said thoughtfully.

i shook my head quickly.

“I’m not blaming him or anything. i mean, he says he really doesn’t remember and honestly, I don’t want to wreck his relationship or anything. It’s just that i really need a place to stay and-”

“My offer still stands you know. You can stay with me, till the dorms open up.” Seokjin said firmly and I was momentarily thrown. 

“That’s... You’re my professor. “ 

Technically not mine. He was a guest lecturer for the Medical students but still, everyone knew Seokjin. 

“ Like , i said. it won’t be a problem. i keep very busy hours. I won’t even be home except when I’m in to change my clothes or stuff. You’ll have a place to stay . At least until you get a place in the dorms.”

He smiled expectantly and i suddenly felt mildly guilty for refusing him so many times. 

“Uh... Well, if Taehyung doesn’t agree to signing the forms, I’ll consider it.” I said finally , mostly out of politeness.

“I’ll try my best to convince him.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Of course , Taehyung did not agree. 

Not that I expected him to . But still, it stung. I did remember that night . Most of it. And I was pretty certain that he  had  been the one to approach me. And i’[d just been one of those poor besotted fools, flattered that someone as beautiful as kim Taehyung was paying attention to someone like me and i’d pretty much bent to his will without putting up any fight. 

Which apprently was something both the Kim siblings were capable of doing because it was 6.30 PM on a Friday and Kim Seokjin stood in his Doc Martins and his Gucci silk shirt, looking drastically out of place in my tiny apartment. 

“Are you sure you need all these figurines?” He wrinkled his nose, picking up one of the tiny porcelain princesses from the tea party set.

“Yes, please don’t drop them.” i said primly. 

i was busy packing all of my clothes into my suitcases, pulling off the sheets off the bed and folding my favorite blanket , dropping them into the seven or so cardboard boxes that I’d managed to procure from one of the shops outside campus. The man had been about to toss the boxes and i’d just asked him for them, thinking they would help me move my things from my apartment to Seokjin’s. 

“Don’t lift that!” Seokjin called out and i immediately froze from where i was bending over to lift a bronze vase with paper and colored tin foil flowers. I straightened curiously and he came over tutting. 

“You don’t do this.” He bent over in half, hands almost touching the floor. “ You do this...” He crouched low and smiled at me. 

“Why? Because it’ll press into the baby?”

“Not at all. Your baby is safe inside the amniotic sac and it’s going to take lot more than you bending over to harm him or her but this will just  make sure you don’t fall over something.” He smiled and straightened again. 

“ Fine .” I said stepping back as he casually lifted the heavy vase and placed it in one of the boxes. 

Once everything was packed, Seokjin smiled brightly and carried the heaviest box. 

“Ready to move into your new home?” He smiled. 

I couldn’t help but smile because his was so dazzling and infective. 

“Okay.” i said softly. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AUTHOR’S NOTE : i really like writing this fic... :) 

[personalcoachingcenter]

Do You Want the Corner Office Someday?

New Post has been published on https://personalcoachingcenter.com/do-you-want-the-corner-office-someday/

Do You Want the Corner Office Someday?

Do you want the corner office someday? In this episode of HBR’s advice podcast, Dear HBR:, cohosts Alison Beard and Dan McGinn answer your questions with the help of Mike Troiano, a partner at G20 Ventures, host of the podcast #AskTrap, and a former executive. They talk through what to do when you’re falling off the executive track, you’re moving up but don’t believe in the company’s strategy, or you have a rival who could block your path to the C-suite.

Download this podcast

Listen to more episodes and find out how to subscribe on the Dear HBR: page. Email your questions about your workplace dilemmas to Dan and Alison at dearhbr@hbr.org.

From Alison and Dan’s reading list for this episode:

HBR: What Makes an Effective Executive by Peter Drucker — “An effective executive does not need to be a leader in the sense that the term is now most commonly used. Harry Truman did not have one ounce of charisma, for example, yet he was among the most effective chief executives in U.S. history. Similarly, some of the best business and nonprofit CEOs I’ve worked with over a 65-year consulting career were not stereotypical leaders.”

Medium: How To Be An Executive by Mike Troiano — “Back in the day you became an executive over time, carefully cultivated in the corporate hierarchy like a meat-eating houseplant. But that’s all changed now. Corporate hierarchy ain’t what it used to be, and if you go off and start a company, you get the title overnight.”

HBR: How to Get on the Shortlist for the C-Suite by Cassandra Frangos — “Rotating around the organization gives you a balance of experience. It also pressure-tests you in multiple environments and delivers a broader perspective. At Cisco, we prepare candidates for top slots by using executive assessments to identify strengths and development areas and by giving individuals strategic assignments to fill experience voids and provide greater exposure opportunities.”

HBR: What Sets Successful CEOs Apart by Elena Lytkina Botelho, Kim Rosenkoetter Powell, Stephen Kincaid, and Dina Wang— “Typically we see ‘take no prisoners’ CEOs last only as long as the company has no choice but to submit to shock therapy. These CEOs often get ousted as soon as the business emerges from crisis mode—they lose the support of their teams or of board members who’ve grown tired of the collateral damage. It’s no coincidence that the careers of turnaround CEOs are frequently a series of lucrative two- to three-year stints; they put out the fires and then move on to the next assignment.”

TRANSCRIPT

DAN MCGINN: Welcome to Dear HBR: from Harvard Business Review. I’m Dan McGinn.

ALISON BEARD: And I’m Alison Beard. Work can be frustrating, but it doesn’t have to be. We don’t need to let the conflicts get us down.

DAN MCGINN: That’s where Dear HBR: comes in. We take your questions, look at the research, talk to the experts and help you move forward. Today we’re answering your questions from listeners who want to be executives. Our guest is Mike Troiano. He’s a venture capitalist and a former executive and CEO. Mike, thanks for coming on the show.

MIKE TROIANO: Thanks for having me, Dan. Good to be here.

DAN MCGINN: How hard is it to identify whether somebody has the personality, the characteristics to make it into the executive suite?

MIKE TROIANO: It’s hard. There’s an expression in VC, you want to pick the right race and bet the right horse.

ALISON BEARD: What are some hallmarks of an inspiring C-suite candidate?

MIKE TROIANO: I really like people who have strong empathy for the customer that they intend to serve. After that, it’s really the ability to build a great team. A leader is someone people follow and you really look is this someone who looks for people better than them, smarter than them, more capable and finds ways for them to flourish, or is it someone with their kind of thumb on the people that report to them?

DAN MCGINN: One of the common threads in our letters today is that people are thinking ahead. The people who make it, are they that calculating or are they thinking about their career like a chess match?

MIKE TROIANO: The most important thing you want to do to get to the next level is to be effective at the level you’re at. So, it’s not like dressing. They say dress for the job you want. Yes, dress for the job you want, but perform the job you have. That said, in today’s economy we’re all responsible for our own professional development and I think it’s really important to have a sense of where you want to go and a sense of what are the capabilities, experiences, skills, relationships that you need to accumulate to get there.

ALISON BEARD: Let’s get started. Dear HBR, I am a global C-level executive in the making, settling for smaller roles for too long. I have more than 20 years of experience in my field and I’m great at what I do. But my resume makes it seem like I’m a job hopper. That’s mainly because in my early career I was a single parent and poor money manager. I chased pay rather than experience. In the past few years, my career has basically just happened to me. I took my current job because it was close to home and better for my family life and my boss is amazing. But she’s not seeking to grow the company to a level that will keep me satisfied and inspired. Coming up on three years here I feel stagnant. I realize that my current role and income are not where they should be. I thought I was making moves that would position me well financially. Go figure. How do I scale up in my career to match my degrees, certifications and years of experience? I don’t want to come across as ungrateful to my boss, but I do want to practice my craft in a larger, global organization that will allow me to grow and stretch myself. What should I do? Ambitious lady. Mike, what do you think?

MIKE TROIANO: Self-confident. That’s good. This struck me, the first thought that I had was just that this need to balance agency and loyalty. What you get hopping around in the language of the question-asker, is some degree of power over your destiny. The ability to make choices and decide what you want and I think in the overall noble effort to try and stick around and demonstrate loyalty at this firm, it feels like she’s sacrificed that fully. So, none of us have jobs in the way that my father thought about that idea. What we have are networks and gigs. And you need to be investing in those networks throughout your career and to do so, is in no way disloyal to your current employer.

ALISON BEARD: I think the real problem here is not whether she should look for new opportunities. I think she absolutely should if she feels stagnant. She wants more responsibility, she wants to move into leadership roles. I think that’s terrific and she should and shouldn’t feel disloyal to her boss. She can have a conversation with her about why she’s doing it. I feel like the real struggle might be moving where she wants to go, given a resume that doesn’t look great.

DAN MCGINN: If she really aspires to be in the C-suite, her resume right now has a lot of roles at companies that are not really putting her on the path towards that. Can her next move potentially make up for that? If she were to get into the right organization, could one job if she stayed there for two or three years overcome 20 years of kind of jumping around without a lot of intentionality?

MIKE TROIANO: I would say no.

DAN MCGINN: You’re looking for, when you do a C-suite search you’re looking for sort of full sweep of a career as opposed to what did you do the last two, three, four years?

MIKE TROIANO: Yeah and that doesn’t mean people haven’t failed or made mistakes, or gone down tangents. It’s that they have awareness of those things and they overall sum to a narrative that leads logically to whatever this next stop in the journey is. I will say that reading this letter, the only thing that indicates her to be someone who aspires to that is that she says she aspires to that. Like all the other things that seem important to her, really have less to do with that C-suite aspiration. So, I would sort of say, well why? Why do you aspire to that? Is it because it represents some tangible achievement that’s validating in some way, or are there emotional drivers behind that aspiration? My last class, my last day at HBS, I had a professor and he said something to us that I will never forget, which was you’re a group of high achievement people. Measure your achievements in life by what you sacrifice to accomplish them. And it was profoundly good advice. That at the end of the day it’s not a question of whether you want to be in the C-suite, we all do. Who doesn’t?

ALISON BEARD: I do not. [LAUGHTER]

MIKE TROIANO: Most people, a lot of people do. But the question is less so that and more are you willing to pay the price to do that? There are lots of tradeoffs involved with that kind of role. And that’s really the way to think about the question. It’s not just: Do I aspire to be at the top? Certainly. The question is are you willing to pay the price to achieve that outcome?

ALISON BEARD: How does she position herself as an attractive candidate when her resume is a little bit shaky and she’s not at the level she really wants to be at?

MIKE TROIANO: We all need to package ourselves for the opportunity we want. Be explicit and specific about the job you want to go to. Once you’ve done that then you have the ability to say, OK, what are the specific skills and experiences required to be successful in that job? What is a hiring manager for that job specifically looking for in the right person to fill that role? And then it becomes a question of how do I package my experiences, the things that I’m good at, my trials and tribulations over the course of a career? How do I package those things in a way that demonstrates my ability to meet those criteria? And it really is a packaging exercise. I mean at the end of the day I could spend my career 11 different ways. Part of your role as someone advocating for themselves and trying to advance your own career is to be able to put that together into a narrative that aligns with the narrative that a hiring manager is looking for, for a particular opportunity. So, I would say build your story from the opportunity back.

ALISON BEARD: It reminds me of pieces that we’ve published on how to onramp again after you’ve been a stay at home parent, positioning her weaknesses, the idea that she’s been in lots of different jobs as a strength. So, she has this really broad network. She’s been in lots of different organizations and I do think there’s a way to package that effectively. But I also think that not every organization is going to see her as their next rising C-suite star and so she needs to maybe temper her ambitions a tiny bit and just not get discouraged. Because it will take time to find that company that recognizes her for what she aspires to be.

DAN MCGINN: So, if we think about really tangible moves she can make here, maybe instead of saying global C-suite executive as her next step, she needs to think about aspiring small company executive. The idea that she needs to sort of scale her level and ambition to match the experience base she’s building from right now.

MIKE TROIANO: Boy, I hate to sort of limit people in that way. We can all do whatever we want to do. That’s one of the great things about capitalism such as it is.

DAN MCGINN: I’m an aspiring global supermodel right now, so. [LAUGHTER]

MIKE TROIANO: I aspire to a think full head of luxurious hair. I guess I’m pushing back a little bit on whether that is the right aspiration for anyone, to just say that I want to be a global C-suite executive as opposed to I want to lead an organization that does, that achieves some outcome. What do you want to achieve? Why do you want to achieve that? Are you willing to pay the price necessary to do so? I think those are important questions for someone at this stage of career. It sounds like maybe she’s struggling a little bit to try and figure out what’s next. I would say defining it in more specific and actionable terms is the first step towards figuring out what’s right for her to do next.

DAN MCGINN: So, Alison what’s our advice to this woman?

ALISON BEARD: So, we want to assure her that everyone should maintain their own career and manage their own destiny. So, it is not disloyal for her to keep her network open and to look for new opportunities. As she’s looking she should evaluate all aspects of other possible jobs against her current situation. The size and ambition of the organization, her boss, the impact that it will have on her family life, not just pay. When she’s interviewing she should also realize that she needs to package herself. Try to figure out a way to market her weaknesses, the fact that she’s had lots of jobs as strengths. So, we think it’s great that she’s aiming for the C-suite, but we’re not sure that she’ll necessarily be able to jump there immediately and it’s possible that a role in a global organization isn’t realistic. So, we just advise her to be patient and to take a step back and just think about exactly what she wants to do and why and find the organization that’s right for her.

DAN MCGINN: Onward. Dear HBR, I’m a young senior manager at a struggling mid-sized firm. I’ve been promoted quickly in three years, partly due to my good work, but honestly also due to the company’s troubles. Recently I took a great new leadership role. Then the next day, I was handed a layoff target and knew unreasonable growth targets. My team sees me as an executioner. The C-suite here lacks vision for success and isn’t willing to hear me out regarding the challenges we face. Their plan is to repeat the same actions that have been leading us to dismal results. I don’t want to leave my new team. Still, I’m considering looking for another job. I feel set up to fail and I’m worried about my own career. What do you think? Should I lean into the current opportunity, or should I actively seek other employment? My job is way too hard to do both well.

MIKE TROIANO: Well my first thought is competent people shouldn’t have to work for a company they don’t believe in. The whole point of going through whatever you’ve gone through to get to this point is that you have some degree of flexibility that you’re not sort of stuck, frozen into this company where you just, you don’t buy into whatever they’re trying to achieve. That seems like just the sort of, you die a little bit each day in that kind of role. I don’t buy this idea that you can’t do both well to that. Find a way to invest some of your time and energy looking out into the world to understand what’s happening and building the relationships that will advance you in your career.

ALISON BEARD: I completely agree with you. The first reaction that I had to reading this letter was you are on a sinking ship and you do not believe in leadership. And another VC that I worked with quite a bit, Jeffrey Bussgang says that one of the first things that he looks for when he’s investing in a company is the management team. And if you don’t believe in the management team, it’s not worth your money and it’s certainly not worth our letter writer’s time.

DAN MCGINN: I’m going to mostly disagree with both of you.

ALISON BEARD: Wow.

DAN MCGINN: He should be looking for another job, but it might take a while and in the interim, this is actually a great opportunity for him. And I’ve seen instances in which people on sinking ships have actually advanced their career.

MIKE TROIANO: I just want to react to that. It’s a cliché that in difficulty lies opportunity, but it’s a cliché for a reason. So, I buy your argument. I think it’s critically important though that he at least understand where people are coming from. There’s no harder conversation to have in business than we won’t be requiring your services anymore. And I think if you’re going to take that step as a manager, you have almost a moral obligation to give people an honest reason why you’re taking this action. It sounds like the layoffs that he has to do are not really performance related, but they relate to some aspect of the strategy or shift. And he needs to really understand that so he can communicate it to people who are in a really hard spot. And he owes those people a fair and honest rationale for why the company’s taking these actions. And if he doesn’t understand it himself, he’s not in a position to provide that.

DAN MCGINN: I’ve never fired anyone or laid anyone off, so I have no firsthand experience at this. At the same time, for our listener, I’d argue that there’s large chunks of the economy in which people are working where they don’t believe in the strategy of the company, the company’s, you know, it would be great if everybody were working at successful companies where they were heading in the right direction and there were lots of faith in the leadership vision. I think that’s idealistic. A lot of people work at companies that are like Dunder Mifflin. That’s the reality.

ALISON BEARD: Wow. That’s a really negative perspective.

MIKE TROIANO: Holy buzzkill.

ALISON BEARD: I agree with you. I think you have to find something to love in your work or on your team to make it worthwhile, or you need to get paid a ton of money. So, I feel as if, if he doesn’t have any of that, he’s not enjoying the work because he’s having to fire all these people, and then with the skeleton team he has left, he’s trying to hit unrealistic targets. He doesn’t believe in the vision and he doesn’t mention the fact that his salary is knock-it-out-of-the-park, and he seems to think that he does have other options. I just feel like that might be the way to go.

DAN MCGINN: So, it would be OK for him to stay if he’s being paid a ton?

ALISON BEARD: I mean it’s a factor.

MIKE TROIANO: But boy, you spend a lot of time doing whatever you do at work. If it’s something that you don’t, you honestly don’t believe in or don’t care about at some level, or particularly if you’re suffering, inflicting the challenges of that strategy on other human beings, I just got to believe that takes its toll. And the ancillary benefits that overcome that limitation, boy they got to be pretty compelling to stick around.

ALISON BEARD: One thing I will agree with you on Dan, he does say it’s a great new leadership role. It sounds like it’s maybe the first time he’s had a chance to manage a team. And so, if there’s learning that is one other thing that can keep you in a job. If you’re still learning and growing and it’s going to position you well for your next position, wherever that is, whether it’s at an organization, another organization or in this one, I think that is not a bad thing to stay for.

DAN MCGINN: I may be projecting here. So, I came to HBR from an organization that was failing. Because it was failing in downsizing, I got promoted into an editing job and if I hadn’t stayed there for a year after getting that promotion, I probably wouldn’t have gotten this job. So, I knew when this was going down that I wasn’t going to be there for five years. I wasn’t going to be there for three years. But I definitely got the sense that hey, this title and the experience that I’m going to get for a short period of time will definitely give me a different trajectory when I jump from here. And it proved to be the smart decision.

MIKE TROIANO: I would ask whether you would have stuck around in that job if the failures of strategy above you had serious negative consequences for the people below.

DAN MCGINN: That’s an interesting question. So, I didn’t have to personally lay anybody off, but I certainly saw friends and I was kind of a beneficiary of layoffs in a certain way. I was taking jobs of people that were getting jettisoned. It’s definitely a complex set of emotions. I was job hunting, but I knew that it was going to take a while and for the time it took, performing this higher level job was going to be to my benefit.

ALISON BEARD: That sort of brings me to a point I wanted to raise. There’s a huge emotional fallout, not just for the people leaving, but for this team that remains. So, how do you energize that group of people to do well, to perform when they’ve just seen half of their colleagues laid off?

MIKE TROIANO: Yeah, that’s exactly right. You don’t want to give the people who remain a sense that you’re amputating the finger one knuckle at a time. So, you have to at least be able to manufacture in your own mind some sense of mission and forward progress and help people understand how the difficult choices the company has just made and implemented against the people they used to have lunch with, at the end of the day is the right thing for the collective at some level. And again, I think it’s really hard to do that if you don’t buy into that strategy yourself. You know, it’s a tricky thing. There’s a new word I heard, workism. It’s this sense that I will derive my fulfillment and self-actualization through the work that I do. This is a relatively modern kind of phenomenon and I may be revealing myself as a closet workist in this view, but I do think that you should expect more from your job than just compensation and some level of peer relationship.

ALISON BEARD: The flip side of the workism argument though is that people shouldn’t act this way and that they can find other places to derive meaning and have fun, and enjoy their lives and just view a job as a job. So, our letter writer could take that tack.

MIKE TROIANO: That’s right. Needs to look within himself perhaps and see if he’s a workist or a lifestylist. At the end of the day it’s, the most important thing is just that you can be in your kayak at 3:30, good for you. But that’s not executive track. Executives are workists in this economy and at the end of the day, it’s a choice.

ALISON BEARD: So Dan, what’s the takeaway?

DAN MCGINN: So, we split a little bit on this one. Mike and Alison feel strongly that if the situation is, our listener doesn’t agree with the company strategy, thinks that the company’s heading in the wrong direction, has tried to communicate as best he can with the leadership about these views and not gotten any kind of listening, or any kind of response that it’s time to look for a new gig. It’s just going to be a negative environment. It’s probably going to take a sort of emotional toll on our listener and that he should just get out. Alison did offer one caveat that if he’s paid a lot of money, maybe it’s OK to stick around.

ALISON BEARD: Or learning.

DAN MCGINN: Or learning. [LAUGHTER] But mostly it’s about the money. I had a slightly more nuanced view. I saw this as a both/and kind of problem. He should absolutely start job hunting, but he should realize that it could take a while and during the time that it does take a while, there could be an opportunity here at least to perform a bigger job. This overall negative situation could set him up for a higher job because the time he’s going to be spending as a senior manager here at a young age. And that even if this is not a situation anybody would want to go on for a long time, from a resume standpoint, if not from an emotional standpoint, the time he’s spending in this unpleasant position could have some net benefits for him. Did I characterize your position fairly at least?

MIKE TROIANO: Well, you implied that we lacked nuance, but that’s a fair summary.

ALISON BEARD: Let’s go to the last question. Dear HBR, I’m a newly promoted manager two levels away from my CEO. I was especially glad to see this long-planned advancement go through because my company has seen a lot of change recently. Both my direct boss and her boss moved onto other organizations right before I was promoted. We have new leadership and I feel energized. This is a big opportunity for me to work more directly with management and demonstrate my own leadership abilities. Here’s my hang up. There’s another more senior colleague in the same functional area as me who seems to be vying to manage our team. We both report directly to the same C-suite executive. But this woman has a more senior title and decades of work experience on me. Although not at all in the area I lead. My boss has included her in our regular team check-in meetings. He mentioned that she’ll serve as a resource. He even said that she might be a proxy for him in the future if other pressing issues come up. I don’t want to be seen as an obstructionist, or non-inclusive, but I also don’t want to fall into any traps by including this colleague in too many meetings or decisions. I fear that could lead to her making a case to formally step in and take over our team with me reporting directly to her. My instinct tells me to do the bare minimum and not invite this person to opine on our work. I know I need to tread carefully, particularly since my boss has explicitly invited her to share input. How would you walk this tightrope?

MIKE TROIANO: Well, I think she’s missing some information which is what was the boss’s intention in creating this semi-ambiguous relationship? I think it’s perfectly acceptable for her to talk with the manager and say listen, I’m a little anxious about some of the ambiguity in the chain of command here. And I want to understand my role vis-a-vis this other person and how do you see her helping us be more effective, helping me be better at my job? Is there a particular weakness or limitation that you envision her shoring up on my part? So, I’d just like to understand what that is. I think it’s really important to understand what was the intention of the other person, particularly when the other person is a superior in this case. If you have concerns from there then at least they’re informed concerns as opposed to this situation which is partly anxiety caused by this other person. But it seems like some of the anxiety is because she’s not exactly sure what her manager wants in creating this ambiguous relationship.

DAN MCGINN: Our letter writer says that she’s thinking about not inviting the rival to meetings, to sort of quietly take steps to try to subvert her. How dangerous does that seem as a tactic?

MIKE TROIANO: I think that’s a mistake. Only because you’ve gotten specific requests from the manager to incorporate this woman and find ways to leverage her expertise. And running counter to that only risks painting you as someone difficult and non-productive.

ALISON BEARD: We should reassure our letter writer though that these feelings of anxiety or even envy at this colleague who seems to be in the boss’s good graces, is totally natural. And studies show people when they feel this way, either disparage or distance themselves from that person. So, it is completely natural, but I think you’re right. It’s a mistake to react that way. What she needs to do is definitely talk to her boss. Also, just think about what she brings to the table, the value she adds. So, she has a bit of competence going in. And then try to collaborate with this woman.

MIKE TROIANO: I agree completely. This is a totally human response and as such, the manager should have anticipated it. Like I blame the manager in a way for creating this situation where she’s on sort of shaky ground. I’m not sure what the deal is. So, 100 percent legit on her, but the shame on him.

DAN MCGINN: If our letter writer approaches the boss and tries to have a candid conversation about this, the way you suggest Mike, isn’t there a chance that the boss isn’t going to put cards on the table? If the boss is thinking about maybe relegating our letter writer to a less powerful role, or making other changes that are going to be negative, might the boss just kind of be vague or sort of say, well we’re going to see how this evolves. I could imagine a less than 100 percent candor in that kind of interaction. Is that something the listener needs to be aware of?

ALISON BEARD: I feel like there’s also a danger in having that conversation that she’s showing a little bit of weakness. So, I think it does have to be done really carefully.

MIKE TROIANO: Always. There’s always costs and benefits to this kind of dialogue. People are smart and have good intuition about other people more often than not, particularly professional people in this way. And so, yes it’s entirely possible depending on the way you ask the question that the manager may be, get a little cute in terms of the way they spin things, or the way they talk about it, but usually you can kind of see through the, between the lines, if you will. And you’ll know more than you know now. Even if you have to make leaps of inference based on what they say, the way they say it and what they don’t say to understand their true intentions. So, I feel like you’re generally in a better position having had the conversation than you are not knowing.

DAN MCGINN: I wonder if our letter writer, in trying to figure out what kind of behavior she’s going to show in this situation, needs to have sort of the possibility in the back of her mind which she’s raised directly in the letter, this rival of mine might be my boss in a few months and anything I do should keep that in mind.

MIKE TROIANO: Yeah, that’s only prudent. And I think that’s probably the next conversation. Once you understand the larger context of the manager’s intention, trying to reach out to this other person, to make sure that that relationship is productive, is probably the right next step.

ALISON BEARD: I think even if this person isn’t going to become her boss, she needs to learn to work well with her as a peer, understand what strengths she brings to the table, even learn from her in some respect. How does she go about getting over her worry and building bridges with this woman?

MIKE TROIANO: Yeah. I would say not by masking her true feelings. One of my kids is an actor and one of the things I’ve learned about acting is it’s not about pretending really well that you said, it’s about making yourself said. And so, I think a genuine, authentic effort to understand what does this other woman bring to the table that I lack? What can I get from them either in my own professional development or in the pursuit of my objectives? Make a good faith effort to try and figure that out. And once you’ve made that effort you can usually find some place to collaborate. Some way for, to work together for mutual benefit.

DAN MCGINN: Adam Grant likes to talk about the fact that rivalries in the workplace can sometimes be really productive for both parties. It makes you work a little bit harder. It sort of, there’s a chemistry that happens. This can create better performance.

MIKE TROIANO: I think that’s right. I think there are two flavors of rivalry. Productive rivalry which is what you’re citing, and unproductive rivalry. And I think policing that and making sure that you stay on top of that is the responsibility of the rivals. And you want to make sure that you’re seen as holding up your end of that bargain and I think if you can do that, absolutely. A little healthy competition never hurt anybody.

ALISON BEARD: Have you, have either of you ever seen people go from office rivals to best buds who help each other and have each other’s backs?

DAN MCGINN: I haven’t seen anybody go from rival to best buds, but I’ve certainly seen examples in which rivals can collaborate successfully on projects and benefit each other as opposed to sort of tearing each other apart. So, I think that professional collaboration is a completely reasonable outcome to hope for in this.

ALISON BEARD: So, maybe she should find a particular project to work on very closely with this woman?

MIKE TROIANO: Yeah, I think respect is the bridge between those two states of being with another person. Every sales organization in the world has regional managers that are in constant competition with one another and that dynamic can be very productive for the company that employs them. I found when those people have good working relationships it’s because they respect each other. So, it’s important to have that.

DAN MCGINN: Mike we know that the listener has to go to regular check-in meetings where this rival is also there. Sometimes the boss will be there. Sometimes he won’t. Meetings seem like they could be a particularly dangerous environment for conflict to be apparent to other people through body language, or through just the dialogue. What would your advice be to our listener as she goes into these meetings where people will have the ability to observe what she’s thinking and how she’s interacting with this person?

MIKE TROIANO: I think one of the ways to rise above the political moment is just to be explicit about what you’re trying to accomplish in a meeting. Being thoughtful as you go in about what are we trying to achieve here, and put that objective kind of on the other side of the table. So, rather than head to head kind of conflict dynamic, you want to make it so you’re both kind of on the same side of the conference table and the enemy, the opportunity, the whatever, the focus is something that’s a third party. And how do we work together to accomplish that?

DAN MCGINN: Whenever somebody aspires to the C-suite they know that they face this funnel that a lot of people are sort of working their way up the organization to these relatively few spots. Do you think that dynamic is influencing the sense of envy and the negative feelings in this situation?

MIKE TROIANO: Always. I work with a lot of startups as a VC and I think one of the benefits of a company that’s growing fast is it tends to create new avenues of opportunity and new ways to express whatever your talents and gifts, and proclivities are. It’s much harder to do that in a more static company or company where, because those hard funnels I think are more prevalent in companies that are lower growth, or that are stuck in a certain area. The good news and the bad news is I think there are very fewer and fewer steady state companies. We live in a context of tremendous change in the world and I think for a business to survive it has to be in a constant state of evolution. And that tends to create new opportunities and avenues. So, when you find yourself in that sense of kind of zero-sum game, look for ways to create a new game. And that idea might be something that helps the letter writer as well. Where are the avenues for me to pursue whatever my own aspiration is? Maybe it’s in the context of this one opportunity inside the organization, but being more thoughtful about other places that I can contribute may expand the scope of my responsibility and may reveal new opportunities for advancement that I wasn’t even aware of in my current role.

DAN MCGINN: So, Alison, what’s our advice?

ALISON BEARD: So, we think that she should start by having a conversation with her boss. What is his intention in getting the colleague more involved in her work? If she better understands what he’s after that might ease some of her anxiety. We think it’s a mistake to try to exclude or undermine this colleague. She needs to show that she’s collaborating. We think she should actually build bridges to the woman. She needs to figure out what she brings to the table and appreciate it, while also highlighting her own strengths. They should find ways to work productively together. And especially in meetings, she wants to focus on shared objectives. She does feel that her organization is sort of a zero-sum game. We think that she should look for a new game, new opportunities, other areas that she can grow and excel beyond this woman’s purview.

DAN MCGINN: Mike, thanks for coming on the show.

MIKE TROIANO: It was great being here guys. Thank you.

DAN MCGINN: That’s Mike Troiano. He’s a partner at the venture capital firm G20 Ventures and his advice podcast is called #AskTrap. Thanks to the listeners who wrote us with their questions. Now we want to know your questions. Send us an email with your workplace challenge and how we can help. The email address is DearHBR@HBR.org.

ALISON BEARD: On our next episode we’ll be talking about unwanted roles with Francesca Gino.

FRANCESCA GINO: There is the resistance to telling the person who proposed it that you don’t want it, but then you take on roles that you really end up hating.

DAN MCGINN: I’m Dan McGinn.

ALISON BEARD: And I’m Alison Beard. Thanks for listening to Dear HBR:.

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