#also a bit of gender dysphoria just to keep it interesting

[jamiebluewind]

Oh my god could I stop being sick please? It's been two freaking months and I got shit to do!

[jamisonwritestf2trash]

Ello

I am a mutual but i am embarrassed about self shipping so we go anon

If you are comfortable with it could i request the mercs with a trans man/nonbinary on their period? Like if they comfort you and how, what their reaction is (if they find it gross, if their confused as hell)

Thank youu

TF2 Mercs Comforting A Trans Man/Nonbinary Person On Their Period!

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Hello Secret Mutual! Of course you can ask this, it's really cute! You asked the right guy, too, because I am a transgender. Anyways, would you believe this is my second x reader ask? Uh, I hope you don't mind that I used my lgbtq+ headcanons for this! Also, I assumed by comfort you meant general comfort but also dysphoria, I hope I didn't go off ask with that assumption

————————————————————In case you were wondering, none of these guys would be embarrassed or refuse to buy pads/tampons/any other period products for you. And even if they were embarrassed, they'd do it anyway. I will die on this hill. There's also a myriad of period products in the base already, probably all old, but they're still there. Also, none of them will find it or you gross! Some of them might not really understand what a period is, but when they figure it out, they will never make you feel like it or you are gross. Periods are natural, and at the base, no one needs to feel ashamed!

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Um, light TW for gender dysphoria mentions? Nothing serious, just what the title implies. Lots of comfort and validation, though! Also uses of the words pussy and uterus!

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Demo is probably confused for like five minutes and then has a lightbulb moment,

"Oh, yeah, I remember being on the rag, hurt like hell. Medic can fix that if ya want. He took mine years ago." He had follicular cysts and good god was he thrilled to never have that pain again. (He's just like me fr!) Assuming you don't trust Medic, hate surgeries, can't get it removed, or just don't want it removed, he's understanding of your choice to keep it, and will try his best to be comforting. Anything you'll need, he'll manage to find. Heating pads? He's got them somewhere, he's sure. PMS pills? He's on his way to the lab to get them from Medic for you. If you have dysphoria from your period, he's also really good at providing comfort for that. If you're a trans man, he'll tell you you're plenty masculine and one of the strongest men he knows. If you're nonbinary he'll assure you that a little bit of blood every month doesn't change anything and that your identity is still valid as hell. He would fist fight your dysphoria if he could.

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Engie is more surprised than anything. Not in a bad way! Here's the thing, he straight up forgets about periods once he got his uterus taken out. My man had PCOS, and once he no longer had to deal with unbearable cramps and sickness every month, he just never thought about it again. He's super quick to comfort you, though. In a similar vein to Demo, he'll tell you about Medic removing his. Again, I am very respectful of your choice. He will do his best to make you super comfortable and keep you happy. He'll make you special heating pads! He'll also bring you anything you need. I cannot stress this enough. When it comes to dysphoria, you will get called an insane amount of pet names. All validating your identity, of course. He understands the feeling of dysphoria and will do anything to ease the pain and sadness that comes with it. Lots of cuddles from him too btw.

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Heavy is confused. Not by periods. This man grew up with three sisters. He knows what a period is by now. No, he's confused by you getting a period. He's not mean, of course! He's just going to ask you a lot of questions because he's probably just interested. He'll do whatever you need him to do to make it easier for you. He knows his sisters were miserable during their time, and he can't imagine how bad it is for you to have to deal with a period and dysphoria. Speaking of dysphoria, he doesn't really know what to say but also manages to say everything you need to hear at the same time? Like he assures you in no uncertain terms that you are super valid and no less of a man or person and that you are you and you're valid. He hugs you a lot! If you seem even the slightest bit sad, he's giving you a hug.

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Medic is probably the best when it comes to dealing with periods. He understands dysphoria and knows how to ease your pain. The second you feel pain, he's handing you hot tea and pain medication. He keeps you in his lab while he works to keep an eye on you and sends Archimedes and his other doves over to comfort you whenever he can't. He tracks your period purely to make sure he can have anything you might need on hand day of. He's always willing to remind you of how scientifically you're gender has nothing to do with those pesky organs. Lots of compliments on your body if you're a trans man, commenting on how masculine you are. If you're nonbinary he's complimenting your resilience and strength. Honestly, he's great. Points taken off, though, because he wants your uterus for his ever growing organ collection, but he will respect your choices with minimal pestering.

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Scout is confused all around. He doesn't get it. So you have to explain periods to him, then you have to explain being trans to him, and then you have to explain both together before it finally clicks in his mind. He's immediately supportive. Maybe to supportive. If you ask him to get period products you'll get hit with the "Alright babe, I'm in the pad isle, what's ur pussy size?" And if you make the mistake of not answering in the first five minutes he buys so many boxes of pads and tampons. You're sitting in bed clutching your stomach, and he comes in the room to dump at least seven boxes of pads and tampons on you. Hey, what he lacks for in understanding, he makes up for by being able to make you laugh so hard you forget the period cramps. You'll never feel dysphoria if he has any say in it. He will do anything to distract you from bad thoughts and will validate you until his voice wears out.

(HE'S LIKE THIS WHEN HE FIRST LEARNS WHAT A PERIOD IS 😭)

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Sniper doesn't care that you have a period and doesn't care that you're trans. That sounds really mean, but I swear it's not like that. Periods are normal, and you shouldn't feel weird about them, so when it's your time of the month, he'll support you in whatever way you need, but he'll act very nonchalant about it all. With you being trans he reassures you that he doesn't care about how you were born and that you shouldn't either because your body doesn't define the person you are. Basically, this man is so supportive but in a really calm kind of way. But just because he acts all chill and nonchalant doesn't mean he isn't worried. Oh no, this man appears to be calm and collected, but he's really upset that you have to go through this. You might find yourself on the receiving end of hugs and kisses whenever you look particularly sad.

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Considering his ass is on the support team, Spy is not very supportive. Well, not supportive emotionally. Physically, he'll bring you the best of whatever you need or want. He's more than happy to kill someone to get you something nice, just to see you light up or (happy) cry out of appreciation. Emotionally, however, he's not mean, but he thinks you're being ridiculous with the things you say. He wants to provide you comfort, but he really doesn't understand why you feel so dysphoric and doesn't even know where to start. He'll just reassure you he loves and cares for you. Speaks softly to you and talks more than he normally does if you prod him. Who knows, he might even sing for you or tell you stories while you lay in bed with cramps if that would make you feel better.

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Soldier is confused, but he's got the right spirit. In a similar vein to Scout, has asked what your pussy size is at least once, and has at least bought nine boxes of period products. He really just wants to be helpful and make you feel better. He'll gladly get anything you need, from heating pads to chocolate he's already getting it the second you even thought about it. I'd you feel dysphoric, he'll remind you that you're an American!! (even if you aren't 😭) And you're an amazing person. So, who cares how you were born? What matters is the person you are today! Less screaming than normal, especially if you get migraines or just headaches in general. He's still really loud, and your head will still probably throb, but he's trying. It takes him a while to go from his normal 100% volume to a normal speaking volume but the effort really shows. Most of the time though, he might just lay with you and listen to you talk, if you're in any mood to. Or just take a nap with you. Literally anything you want to do, he'll do, as long as he can do it with you.

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Pyro knows. Like 100% knows. They experience it every month and deal with pain and gender dysphoria. (They're the only merc who has a uterus and period, actually! They're MTF and underwent the surgeries only to realize their agender, they now have a complicated relationship with their gender where they love their body but dislike their uterus and want it removed but at the same time value their uterus) Anyways, this isn't a Pyro post so moving on! So, you two would probably sync up and deal with it together. Pyro would most likely focus on you to help them ignore their symptoms and dysphoria. They love helping you and caring for you. They have a big heated blanket that you can share to help ease pain, and they have as much chocolate as you need to make you feel better. Lots of hugs and cuddles, too! They'll talk to you for hours about their issues with gender dysphoria if you let them, always returning the favor to let you rant back at them. Finding their own way to assure you the feel the same and that you both need to realize that a blood cycle can't and won't ever define you or your gender.

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I love these guys so much. It's insane. Also, I love this ask, I want to shake it around in my teeth like a dog. Anyways! I swear I'm normal. I hope you like this Anon :)

[floating-above-sea-level]

General SecurityWaiter/DreamTheory headcanons cause I just love them (part 1 cause I will never shut up abt them)

+some other general fnaf movie character (Abby mostly) stuff but mainly still SW/DT related, random timeline order I’m just spewing

-Mike goes to Sparky’s before and after work. He gets coffee before work cause DUH, and then sometimes he’ll get a small breakfast/some coffee in the morning so he doesn’t immediately pass out after his shift. Thats how him and Ness met. First impressions were along the lines of Mike thinking that this waiter talks too much, especially for the hours it is, and Ness just think Mike seems interesting and mysterious (lowkey thinks he might be a cryptid)

-the SECOND Mike lets slip that he works at Fazbear’s Ness is OBSESSED with talking to him more. He already thought he seemed interesting but now he knows he works at the place that he’s being obsessing over for YEARS he is NEVER gonna stop asking him shit and infodumping (Mike finds this very annoying at first, but then eventually realizes that Ness does in fact know quite a bit abt Freddy’s which he finds interesting and helpful so he starts actually engaging in the conversation)

-Ness has asked Mike to take them to Freddy’s multiple times, he has yet to say yes (not like Ness hasn’t broken in before. They’re half the reason they needed a security guard)

-Mike is insecure abt the height difference (and his height in general) but Ness literally just wants to squeeze him and go like ubububbubububu ur so cute ubububbubububu (me)

-Mike is actually fairly strong cause he likes to work out (it’s a coping mechanism) so sometimes he picks Ness up (like bridal style and shit) and it lowkey gives him gender euphoria and Ness just fucking loves it it makes them so giddy

-I saw smth somwhere abt Ness possibly being Sparky’s owner’s son so I’m just gonna second that and say that that’s why he works there so many hours (aka he basically helps run the place) but it’s also why he can kind get off work whenever he wants

-Mike complaining abt this annoying waiter who talks to much and is obsessed with Freddy’s peaks Abby’s interest so she asks Mike to take her to Sparky’s and that’s how Abby and Ness meet (they become best friends ever and sometimes Ness takes care of her when Mike is busy)

-Abby has plushies of the fazgang and a collection of fazcoins and other collectibles that Mike got her from the prize counter (not like anyone else is using them) and she shows them to Ness who absolutely FLIPS OUT about it. She also uses the faztokens as money for when they play pretend

-MIKE has freckles NOT NESS because Josh hutcherson LITERALLY HAS FRECKLES THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT /hj /lh

-Ness has a cat named Skip (cause he’s literally just MatPat /hj)

-Mike has passed out at Sparky’s before (usually like Saturday mornings after his shift since he doesn’t have to worry abt taking Abby to school, I mean not like he does it intentionally but he’s less worried abt it so sometimes he just zonks) and Ness will bring him soft shit to lay his head on and then gently wake him up and offer him coffee, which he eventually starts giving him on the house (totally just cause they knows he’s struggling financially and NOT because they’re flirting /j)

-I LOVE the “Mike can’t cook and Ness loves cooking” headcanon so I wanna say that’s real, but looking at the movie, Mike’s been taking care of Abby for years and cooks dinner for them multiple nights, and Ness is a waiter…based on the information given, Mike would theoretically (hehe theory) be the one who cooks ☝️🤓 /hj

-Abby demands to paint both their nails. Ness more than happily agrees but Mike is hesitant (dysphoria and general “ugh little girl stuff” type energy) but she keeps asking so he lets her paint them black (cause that’s so edgy and cool and masculine /j) and he learns he actually likes it quite a bit

Ok done for now this is getting very long but I will have more don’t yall worry 🤗🤗🤗

[dee-the-red-witch]

The Monthly Roundup

Okay, normally, this is just a free monthly post over on my Patreon, but I figured I should push this out into the wild as well, because this kind of stuff's always needed. Want this, and a bunch of weekly readings from a cursed tarot deck, media reviews, and other content including fiction and the occasional build post? Maybe consider adding me over there as well. Anyways, like I said, it's a monthly roundup- in this case a bigass collection of links and resources for folks interested in pursuing gender transition one way or another. And while a bunch of it is transfem specific and sometimes medical transition specific, because it's stuff I dug up while hunting down things for myself, there's also things in there good for anyone of any gender, and resources for legal/social transition as well. And this is long enough to deserve a cut for once, so...

Hey! What If *I'M* trans?

The Gender Dysphoria Bible- https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en Wondering if you're experiencing Gender Dysphoria? This may be a good place to start. Realize the GDB is slanted largely towards transfem folks, so it doesn't necessarily apply evenly to everyone, but it does cover a lot of ground that folks may identify with.

Trans Medical Resources

DIY HRT- https://diyhrt.cafe/index.php/Main_Page (for legal reasons, I'm going to tell you to at least try to see a licensed physician or endocrinologist before starting to DIY your own hormones, but keep in mind, I'm not your responsible adult, and if you don't choose to listen, that's on you) This is the main, best hub for sourcing and getting info on doing your own hormone therapy. Keep in mind, it's once again slanted towards feminizing methods, because testosterone is still a controlled substance in most of the world (which is bloody fucking stupid, but that's a rant for another time).

GALAP- The Gender Affirming Letter Access Project- https://thegalap.org/ While we may have new WPATH guidelines with the Soc 8 updates that dropped a little bit ago, most providers and insurers are still on outdated requirements that insist on letters from mental health providers for transgender-related care. Which can affect access to surgeries, HRT, and more. GALAP exists to connect folks with providers who'll give those letters,m in some cases free of charge even.

Gynecologist List- https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1Djia_WkrVO3S4jKn6odNwQk7pOcpcL4x00FMNekrb7Q/htmlview This one's more for uterus-owners in general and less trans-specific, but giventhe number of folks with uteri who'd can end up with a hard time finding a willing doctor for some procedures, it's important for everyone. This is a Google database of hundreds of gynecologists, listed by location, willing to perform sterilization procedures with informed consent, without secondary authorization from anyone else. The list is patient-vetted, so your mileage may vary, but for those seeking sterilization and/or hysterectomies as part of their transition it may prove to be invaluable as a resource, because doctors willing to do this work can be few and rare in some areas.

Transfeminine Science- https://transfemscience.org/ Articles, journals and all sorts of researching into, well, just what the name says, transfeminizing science. A lot of medical professionals simply don't have knowledge in the field and are acting on what they learned in med school, which may be way out of date. If they're willing to listen, there's stuff in there to help bring them up to speed. Better yet, it;'s also a great resource to educate yourself so you can advocate for your own care a bit better.

Other Transition resources (legal, social, etc)

NCTE's ID GUIDE- https://transequality.org/documents The National Transgender Center for Equality's guide to changing your legal identity, in a handy format that lets you break it down by state or territory, or even federal documents (United States only, sorry.) and links to the right paperwork to use. Rainbow Passage- https://rainbowpassage.org/ It sucks that we need organizations like this in these times, but I'm glad to see there's people already stepping up to the task. Rainbow Passage is an organization dedicated to helping trans youth get out of trans-hostile states and relocate to safer areas. And if you can, volunteering for them is a great way to help improve safety for trans folk in general.

Seattle Voice Lab- https://www.seattlevoicelab.com/ if you've seen me on social media much lately, then you've seen me talking about this place. This is who I'm (through February and March at least) taking voice lessons through to feminize my own voice more. They also have a bunch of online resources, a discord server, and other help if you need to figure your own vocal chords out a bit better.

Strands For Trans- https://strandsfortrans.org/ Need a haircut, or color or other beauty services you're using for the first time ever as an out trans person and you're not sure where's going to be safe to go? Strands For Trans is the first comprehensive database of Aesthetics businesses for hair and everything, AND THEY VET THE BUSINESSES, to ensure your safety and comfort.

TLC's Life-Planning Guide- http://transgenderlawcenter.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/TLC_Life-Planning-Documents-Transgender.pdf The Transgender Law Center put this guide together specifically for planning end-of-life details. Yes, it's a depressing and tragic thing, but protecting and making sure our identities are still properly preserved after we die is still just as an important part of what we're fighting as anything else is. This guide will help you with establishing a Living Will, controlling hospital visits, and setting up proper Powers of Attorney, so that nothing potentially falls back into the hands of people who might refuse to recognize who you truly are. (In many states, you can designate someone other than your next of kin to take charge of your body when you die (next of kin is defined by law, not by preference). If you need to do that, go to nolo.com and look up article on "[your state] funeral law" to get a rundown on if and how to do this.

Trans Media

The Digital Transgender Archive- https://www.digitaltransgenderarchive.net "The purpose of the Digital Transgender Archive (DTA) is to increase the accessibility of transgender history by providing an online hub for digitized historical materials, born-digital materials, and information on archival holdings throughout the world." (In short, this is one of several free libraries of trans history.)

Totally Trans- https://www.patreon.com/totallytrans/posts Hey, look at that, it's another Patreon! Except, no, wait, it's a podcast! Totally Trans looks at media both historical and modern with a transgendered lens. Sometimes it's silly fun, other times, it's great insights into queer and trans history, and all around it's a great show to add on whatever service you're already getting podcasts through- or you can hit the link above to help support them at the same time for early access.

Trans News, Blogs, and Notes

Erin In The Morning: https://www.erininthemorning.com/ Erin's newsletter runs almost daily these days, mostly with updates regarding trans legislation all around the US. It's a good way to stay up to date, but it can also be a drag these days, largely because it's practically just a constantly expanding list of bad news thanks to the GOP right now.

Stained Glass Woman: https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/ aka Doc Impossible/Zoe. I first discovered her work and writing when WPATH released their new SOC 8 guidelines, because she was one of the few people that could make the thing actually make sense in non-legalese. But I subscribed andkeep following here for regular updates both because she presents a trans coming out narrative that was just a joy to read, and also covers interesting  news in the field of trans medicine from time to time. Definitely worth adding to your feed.

A Self Defense Study Guide for Trans Women and Gender Non-Conforming / Nonbinary AMAB Folks: https://www.silversprocket.net/2021/09/13/a-self-defense-study-guide-for-trans-women-and-gender-non-conforming-nonbinary-amab-folks/

This is, quite honestly, one of the best self-defense guides I've seen for gender-nonconforming folks (and one of the few, to be honest), short of private defense instruction. AND it's available to read in full for free at that link, or in print for just a 5$ donation. Go check it out.

Other general roundups

Grassroots GAC Resources- https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/19kSzBLo_hjpiBjHN8tvK73sVHU25NKWjMau2vNl8uuM/edit#gid=778305468 Google spreadsheet of links in general, from therapy help and hrt assistance, to all sorts of other info, some of which are repeats from here, but there's also a bunch of others I haven't had time or opportunity to vet yet.

[beanghostprincess]

Dipping in and saying transfem Sanusop is great but also just that transmasc Sanji has just a real special place in my heart. He’d probably join the crew already transitioned, just because I can easily see Zeff just being immediately supportive of his boy, and nobody ever questions Sanjis gender ever. He’s „blackleg“, „pervert“, „lovecook“ Sanji and nothing is ever gonna change that. Enter Sanuso tough and things get more complicated because Sanjis ideas of what makes a man are weird and nonsensical at times and him being a „ladies man“ is something he prided himself in and now he has to come to terms with the fact that: No, most straight men don’t regularly think about what it would be like to be in a fulfilling relationship with another man, no not even to „just see what it’s like“, most straight men don’t get those types of butterfly’s around their best friend. And poor Sanji is having an internal struggle because a weird part inside him feels like this somehow invalidates his gender. Bad times and dysphoria all around. Usopp may actually even already know that Sanji likes him back but doesn’t know how to proceed past this issue. He wants to tell Sanji that he loves him, that he would love for him to be his boyfriend, but nothings worth putting Sanji trough a mental breakdown and the thought that them being together would somehow make Sanji feel like a „false man“ is just horrific to him. In my mind they navigate trough it eventually just because I love fluff, but they have a slow burn type of relationship with lots of two steps forwards one step backwards types of progress.

Oh, I absolutely love this.

I've said it already a couple of times, but even if I'm very fond of transfem Sanji, I think transmasc Sanji works just as well with his character and story. He's so trans that no matter what you like, you're probably going to be right. Unless you think he's cis. Then you're definitely wrong. He's trans in every way possible.

His whole view on women and the fact that he worships them so much would have played, in my opinion, a big role in his gender discovery. He would feel so guilty and just... Wrong rejecting womanhood. Like- If he thinks women are the best thing the world has ever created, then why is it so hard to be one? He would have it rough, honestly, accepting himself. Especially after escaping the Vinsmokes and trying to forget all the things they said about him (and how many of them are related to femininity). But I think everything would get easier with time after getting adopted by Zeff. He transitions and he's finally happy with himself (almost, because he still has to fight every day against his own thoughts and past. But at least he's more comfortable in his own skin, now).

And everything goes well from there. Except when he meets Usopp.

It's not that Sanji thinks being gay means being less of a man or anything. He keeps saying he has nothing against gay people and he's being completely genuine there. But his own view on masculinity and what it means to be a man for him includes being a ladies' man. Liking women. Only women. That, and the fact that men and manhood have brought so much pain to his life, make it really hard for him to accept that he's in love with Usopp. With a man. Besides, he has created this persona- This different personality (slightly different from his own. Just a bit more confident and a bit happier and stronger and everything he thinks he's supposed to be considered a man, including liking girls) to feel like a real man. And he is a real man. He knows this. He just feels like if he doesn't follow the right norms he has established for himself and his own masculinity, everything will fall apart.

So, yeah, he kind of has a whole crisis when he realizes he's in love with Usopp. I love talking about Sanji's internalized homophobia/biphobia because I honestly think it's such an interesting topic... But I don't want to make this too long, so I'll just say that he would have a really hard time trying to accept this. The situation would make him angry at himself and even angrier at his surroundings. It would also make him isolate himself because, of course, he won't ask for help. And if Usopp (his best friend) enters a room, Sanji will get out of there just as quickly. His brain is a mess. My poor boy.

Usopp knows, of course, because it's not hard to tell when Sanji is in love with someone. But of course, he won't say anything until Sanji is ready to say something first, because it's pretty much obvious that he's having a hard time, and it's even more noticeable because he becomes more and more and more annoying when it comes to women now. He tries to overcompensate and reaffirm his gender by acting like the ladies' man he tries to be (it doesn't work). And Usopp doesn't mind waiting for Sanji, even if it takes him years, but he can't bear to see Sanji doing this to himself without doing anything to help him.

Not gonna turn this into a whole fanfic because if you're asking me this you probably know my posts and how long they end up being because I turn them into whole one-shots at this point- I swear I won't this time!! But!!

Just saying that Usopp trying to talk things out with Sanji and Sanji having a whole breakdown + Usopp comforting him and saying that they don't have to rush anything if he doesn't want to, that they can go as slow as Sanji wants. That he would wait forever for Sanji. And Sanji accepting to date him and getting used to being loved and loving in that way... I don't know. It feels like a good way to reach the fluff you were looking for with a bit of angst and slow burn first!!!

[peppertaemint]

I'm curious about your analysis or even just your take in the meaning of Guilty (both MV and song together as a whole). Along with the teaser/trailer and the mention of Bataille's book, the whole thing seems to be a complicated onion with so many contradicting facets. But if you ignore all of that and just watch the MV, then it is rather a straightforward "hurt people hurt people" and some Lord of the Flies reference. But my head keeps thinking it's more convoluted than that lol. Would you tell me what you think the MV is about? :D

My initial take is pretty straightforward but completely undercooked, lol. This is my unvarnished and un-researched take.

I think that the concept has to do with sin and behaviour outside of expected moral bounds. I think this is where the eroticism comes into play. The dance involves self touching, which can be a hint towards the "sin" of masturbation. His character seems to be held in a place where he is tightly controlled and conditioned, and he experiences physical abuse as a form of behaviour control. It seems like he could be in a place where children are taken to correct "sinful" behaviour, perhaps to correct gender dysphoria, or androgyny, or homosexuality, sins of masturbation, promiscuity, et cetera.

Some of the George Bataille quotes I've seen centre on how eroticism and violence and death are linked. I think the eroticism here is less surface or obvious. People expected this sort of Madonna style sexuality of his previous work, but that's not what we're getting here. It's taking criminal to a whole different level.

There is a link between the sensuality of violence and that of traditional eroticism. This is a bit mindbending. The best example I can think to explain right now is David Cronenberg's Crash. Passion and eroticism are linked literally with the bodily experience of a car crash, its violence and trauma. The violent climax of the car crash is likened to the ecstasy of orgasm. In Taemin's Guilty, the ecstasy of orgasm is linked to a different type of harm to the body and the mind. At the very beginning of the video, how he runs away and has a sort of fit, it's rather orgasmic. I think he's showing us the ecstasy of harm and losing control in many parts.

The video is more complex than it seems on the surface, I think. On first watch, I think it's easy to say okay well he's breaking free of something blah blah blah. I think over the coming days when we actually look at the details closer, we'll see a lot more there.

The entire sequence in this outfit and its setting hasn't been touched upon. The dance that he does in thus setting reminds me of the just me and you contemporary dance performance. I do think there is the struggle of gender underpinning the entire concept, but also a struggle with sexuality and the corporeality of eroticism that so many find sinful.

In quite a few concepts, he has explored the idea of ecstasy through being destroyed or destroying oneself. I think this is another iteration of that. Another exploration. And I think he's done a brilliant job of elucidating that ecstasy in a new way that is really centred on a unique contemporary dance style.  many people have said that he's able to tell a story through his dance and I think this is another great example of that. He's merged cinema and dance into a narrative form to the point where almost feels like it's own language.

I'm not sure where I fall in the Lord of the flies references anymore, but surely there are some present. And we see his character becoming worshipped. But I think there's also a consideration as to what is real and what is not and how many narratives are present in this piece of cinema. Perhaps certain sequences are the daydreams of someone locked up. They could be the fantasies of someone who is not free. Does he escape? Does he get liberated? Those are interesting questions to consider.

[idkaguyorsomething]

Sailor Earth and the Crystal Senshi and Firelord Katara both sound interesting, could you tell me a little about them?

¡Absolutely!

Fire Lord Katara is a slight AU fic where, after the Agni Kai in the finale, Zuko ends up in a coma for a hot minute, leaving something of a succession crisis as to who will take the throne. As it turns out, Katara. Katara takes the throne and becomes Fire Lord because technically she’s the one who defeated Azula in an Agni Kai. What follows is her trying to navigate the royal court, dismantle the bender’s prisons, and pay reparations to other nations without getting overthrown, at least until Zuko’s recovered enough to take back the throne. Iroh, Ty Lee, Mai, Suki, Hama, and maybe Azula are all involved. There’s not actually much romance, mostly just Katara trying to make the best of a tough situation while being her awesome self. A story of politics, trauma, unexpected friendships, Katara badassery, dismantling the prison system, and tea. Technically more of an outline than anything else at the moment.

Sailor Earth and the Crystal Senshi is a Sailor Moon roleswap between the Inner Senshi and Heavenly Kings with a bit of mystery. Mamoru rescues a talking cat one day who discovers that for some reason he is the guardian of the moon, even though by all accounts this shouldn’t be possible. Even more mysteriously, four other teens manifest the power of the other planets despite being boys, and there’s a weird blonde vigilante that keeps shooting top hats at people, plus reports of four young women going missing whose descriptions match up with the generals they’re battling… it takes more inspiration from the old anime than the new one, but it’s not a beat-for-beat retread, and there’s a lot of exploration of gender roles and identity going on in between everyone trying to figure out why all these people have the wrong powers. A story of transgenderism, dysphoria, questioning one's assigned roles, confusing feelings, fabulous crossdressing, mystery, and THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP Also I changed the ages to make it a bit less squicky. Here’s an excerpt:

Masato set his drink down and looked at the binder again. The picture stared up at him, that stoic face inscrutable. He’d reread all the information over and over again, and all he’d gotten out of it was a headache.

“Heeeey!” a shout made him look up. Usagi stood across the street, waving at Masato. Behind her stood Jirou, both of them carrying several brightly colored shopping bags.

“What’s going on?” before long, the duo was seated across from him, setting their bags down in the cafe floor, and Jirou was asking him questions. “Weren’t you supposed to be paying off that shrine today?”

“That’s already done,” Masato waved him off. “Something more important’s come up. Where's Mamoru?”

"He was called in to work today," Jirou shrugged. "Some flash-in-the-pan diva idol showed up at the studio and they needed all hands on deck to record a music video."

"I wanted to come along, but he said no," sighed Usagi. She looked up with a dreamy expression on her face. "Could you imagine being an idol and having all those adoring fans?"

"I don't need to," Jirou grinned haughtily. A bit of his model's grace found its way into his pose. "It's good of you to keep imagining, though. Everyone should have at least a few impossible fantasies."

Usagi smacked him with one of her shopping bags. She turned her attention towards the spread of paper that Masato had laid out over the table. "What's all this?"

"Paperwork for the shrine," answered Masato. "I was reviewing how many people worked there to see how many people to compensate."

"How interesting," said Jirou, rolling his eyes. "I don't suppose you have any of that huge allowance of yours left over to compensate the brave heroes who saved the shrine?"

Masato ignored him and kept talking. "However, I learned that one of the workers there had disappeared a few months ago. The granddaughter of the owner, a young lady who was by all accounts very hard working and dedicated to her job. What's more, she disappeared only a few weeks before the youma attacks began, according to Luna."

Both Usagi and Jirou's expressions grew more serious.

"Hey, what're you implying here?" asked Jirou.

Masato laid down the photo on the table and Usagi immediately snatched it up. Both she and Jirou's eyes widened when they saw who it depicted.

"General Mars?" she gasped. Masato nodded solemnly.

"Wait, but- no, the youma transform their victims all the time, so their leaders-" Jirou curled his hands into fists and let out a cry of frustration. "This is a joke, right?"

"Do you think I'd joke about something like this?" Masato snapped. "We may have been responsible for the death of an innocent girl brainwashed by the Dark Kingdom."

Usagi, looking down, clutched the photo to her chest and asked softly "What do we tell Mamoru?"

"I don't know," he rubbed his fingers against his temples.

"We tell him the truth, obviously," Jirou glared at Masato. "And we ask that stupid cat if she knew about any of this, and if there's a way to turn people back from being generals."

"Yeah, maybe Luna can help!" Usagi said with a sense of renewed hope.

"Maybe," Masato let out a sigh. "But let's just give Mamoru some time before telling him anything, alright? It would be counterproductive to not tell him, but with his work and this new 'General Venus', he already has a lot on his mind. Let's just not put everything on him at once, alright?"

The others agreed that it was already a busy weekend, perhaps they should wait until the end of it to lay this revelation on Mamoru. The stresses of leading a double life were known to all of them. Just focusing on one or the other instead of trying to juggle both was practically a break at this point. A little bit of tedium might have been what all of them needed right now, especially Mamoru.

Elsewhere, Mamoru was being chased by a giant record label youma hurling exploding vinyls at him.

[fandom-go-round]

heyy! could i ask for some headcanons of tfa ratchet (+sentinel, if you can please) dating an ftm human that has a lot of dysphoria concerning their (reader's) face? it'd mean a lot, thank you for your writing -💫

Warnings: Dysphoria (Face), Reader Dysphoria, Negative Self Image, Negative Thoughts, Trans Reader, FTM Reader, Awkward Reassurance (Ratchet), Misplaced Compliments (Sentinel)

Ratchet:

Ratchet doesn’t understand the human emphasis on gender, he really doesn’t. Cybertronians have a looser definition of gender, partly because they aren’t organic. At least that’s his running theory. That’s one of the reasons why he doesn’t see it as a big deal when you come out to him. Ratchet might be gruff but he knows that this is important and will support you 100% of the way.

It takes him a little while to realize that you don’t like looking at your face. At first he thinks it’s just mirrors in general but over time he sees that it’s specially your face. Bumblebee takes a prank too far and you look so shocked and ashamed that Ratchet has to scold the bot to the moon and back. He checks in on you afterwards to see how you’re doing and you confess that looking at your face makes you really dysphoric.

Ratchet listens to everything that you tell him without interrupting, letting you vent and talk through things that have clearly been bothering you for a while. He does step in if you start saying negative things about yourself; you’re his favorite person after all and he won’t stand for it. He’s going to do a lot of research into trans issues after this, both from a professional and personal curiosity. He wants to do what he can to help.

He starts gifting you different types of shirts and hats, experimenting to see which help define your face the way you want to. He’s not the best at fashion but he’s a gay old mech; he gets it. It can be a little embarrassing to have him giving you all these things but it comes from a place of love. Ratchet also makes a habit of complimenting something on your face but not your face itself. He’ll tell you he loves your eyebrows or nose, how your chin looks well defined. These are all private admissions but they mean a lot. The bots learn quickly that if they have any comments about your transness to keep it to themselves; Ratchet has no issue taking someone out back for a ‘training exercise’. He might be old but he has a few tricks up his sleeve.

Sentinel:

Sentinel takes a bit to admit to himself that he loves a human, let alone learning about human culture and nuance. He’s not completely oblivious but he does start paying attention to Jazz more as he talks about Earth and humans. Jazz doesn’t say anything and if he starts talking about your likes and interests more, both would deny it. Sentinel does his own research but it never seems to go as deep as he’d like. When you come out to him, he plays it cool but it mentally taking furious notes so he can look things up later.

As self-centered as he is, that attention also includes you. Sentinel considers you a ‘part of himself’ (both cute and weird) and so he’s always complimenting and praising you. No one is as much of a hype mech as Sentinel, even when you think it might not be the best time. He takes quick notice that you get uncomfortable with compliments to your face and it has him leaning in a little more.

You have to sit down with him and explain that you feel dysphoric for him to back off. He never intents to upset you so if you truly don’t want him making any comments he’ll shut up. All he wants to do is let you know he loves you and the easiest way for him to do that is verbally. Sentinel never thinks that his compliments are over the top but does get embarrassed if people call him out on being lovey dovey (just in case you want some payback). The two of you create clear boundaries on compliments and never once does he cross the line.

Sentinel will push, however, because he does think it helps. He’ll make comments about how your jaw line matches his or he loves to look at you. He also makes a habit of kissing your cheek or part of your face when you’re close by. At first it starts off as a cute way to shower you with affection and silently compliment your face but it soon becomes habit. He nearly gives everyone a spark attack the first time he does it in front of a group but he loves the way you can get embarrassed; it’s an ego boost. Woah the person who tries to be an asshole to you; tries because the moment someone starts to say something he’s all over them. Sentinel has a biting glossia and no one is safe from his wrath if they mess with you. It’s like having a cute, giant metal guard dog. And he loves tummy scratches.

[couldtransitionsaveher]

ALLEN RIDGELEY from XENOSAGA

JUSTIFICATION:

"OK LISTEN,

First- if you played the game series you probably can Understand this is a transbian egg in love with her boss. But because most people Have Not played xenosaga I can break it down;

So Allen is the longsuffering workwife of the main character and in a impressive feat of gameplay and narrative coding she is in the role usually reserved for the female love interest of a male MC- never in combat except maybe in a cutscene where she does one cool thing and then needs to be rescued. Because the people who wrote the game are Insane at narrative Themes and Symbolism, this is likely purposeful positioning (though likely for narrative twist reasons instead of trans ones- this IS a 00s jrpg). Now Allen is also very unconfident, she doesnt seem to comfortably take up the 'male role' in that she seems clearly unsuited to it in practice but tries really hard at it and keeps bringing it up. This girl would be SO much happier if she realized she wasnt one and that it was ok for her to be one. Leading into that her character arc is about balancing the self-reliant 'man' ideals with the co-dependent submissive following his boss around she is prone to. Conquer toxic masculinity with the power of accepting the 'girly' bits. Like her whole gender. She is so anxious and vaguely pathetic and I feel like she would be so much happier as a girl. Just look at her. Thats a sad lesbian in the tech field. Save her.

She wears fullbody covering clothes and her swimsuit model is one of the old fashioned kind of swimsuits that covers the torso fully. Her dysphoria is so bad. Come on, spare her some E.

It wouldnt stop The Horrors of the plot from happening to her and everyone else, but she sure would be happier." - Anonymous

Reminder: Submissions are always open! Submit here!

Did you make your daily click today?

[fujoreads]

To Strip the Flesh // Review

To Strip the Flesh is a short tales collection in manga format, containing 5 stories in total—the main one going by the book’s title.

I remember someone mentioning this in a book-related podcast I listen to, but I don’t remember which one. I found it at a bookshop when I went on a little date last year, and I just had to buy it! It took me a while to finally read it, but I’m glad I did.

CW: Gender Dysphoria, Explicit Nudity; Organs; Hunting; Animal death; Sexism; Transphobia; Body Horror

This manga was something else. I may not have the exact same experience as our protagonist Chiaki, but I related so hard I cried—thrice, in fact. I got such a headache from crying I had to end the day that evening. Powerful stuff.

I knew I would probably enjoy it because of the art and the topic of trans issues. I myself am a transmasc bastard, so it’s always nice to see manga talking about these things.

When I finally finished it, I had to pause for a minute or two. For the first half, I read many scenes where I felt dysphoric together with Chiaki, but the way the story ended made me actually try to be stronger and fight for my right to happiness, even if I have to face transphobic doctors on the way.

Chiaki Ogawa has never doubted that he is a boy, although the rest of the world has not been as kind. Bound by his mother’s dying wish, Chiaki tries to be a good daughter to his ailing father. When the burden becomes too great, Chiaki sets out to remake himself in his own image and discovers more than just personal freedom with his transition—he finds understanding from the people who matter most. (The StoryGraph)

Although the main story is this one about Chiaki, there are many others who are also just as enjoyable, albeit shorter.

This tale is condensed in about 100 pages, but packs an emotional punch enough to leave you in tears. It made me realize that I have my own found family and I don’t need to keep living a lie.

The flow of the story may have been somewhat rushed due to its overall length, but it still felt neatly presented. I do wish I could have seen more of Chiaki and the rest of the cast, especially his late mother.

This manga’s artstyle is interesting. It feels very anime, but it does feel different in some aspects, like how soft the eyes are. I really enjoyed it.

As someone with a big chest, I personally related to Chiaki’s struggles and the way it was visually presented was just wonderful.

Chiaki is the son of a hunter (who also butches his own kills). He lives as a closeted trans man and desires not to betray his parents’ wishes for him—to be a bride—hurt as it may. He struggles with trying to impose his masculinity to his father, who refuses to see him as anything else but his daughter, saying how “women don’t hunt”, and never letting him get hurt, seeing him as a frail girl. However, we also see his weaknesses: how he never lets his father know his true feelings, even when his father clearly shows he cares for what he thinks is best to Chiaki. It’s understandable, but also what strains their relationship at some point, even if from Chiaki’s perspective.

It’s so sweet to see Chiaki’s growth after a big moment where he has to make an important decision, both for him and his father, and how that improved their overall relationship.

His father was an interesting character to follow as well, even if we see less of him, and usually accompanied by Chiaki. I wish we could have had more moments with him.

I enjoyed Takato as a friend of Chiaki’s, but while he is sweet and supportive, he’s also a bit annoying. Maybe having him grow more throughout the story instead of a last-minute development would have made him more justice.

This was a lovely read, and not just for the main story. Personally, the Hot Watermelon short story was my second favorite, followed by David in Love.

I got even more excited seeing how Oto Toda, the author, worked as an assistant for Tatsuki Fujimoto on Fire Punch—one of my favorite works ever, as despair-inducing as it was.

If you care about stories centered around trans issues, you’ll certainly like it. It’s also a tale of father-son love, and how old wounds can be treated, even if it seems all too late.

This is a very short story, followed by other even shorter stories, so if you desire a more detailed and lengthy tale, you might not enjoy this. It’s a powerful narrative, but it’s rushed at times and unless you personally relate to Chiaki’s struggles, you might feel less emotionally affected.

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

Thank you for reading it all to the end! Hey, kind stranger! Would you be so kind and consider giving me a little tip? It can be as low as 3 bucks and it’d make a huuuuuge difference!! If you tip 10€ (or higher), you can dictate my next read and be credited (if you’d like) on that review! Have a nice day!!

[mschloevalentine]

Another character (and Warlock) of mine, Ezra'Van! A Yuan-Ti warlock of the Archfey. I promise, promise this post is shorter, since he has a bit less going on. Also somebody please tell me how to do the 'Read More' thing on posts like this.

Ezra'Van, referred to as Ezra from now on, was once the child of a simple farming family. They took great interest in gardening and herbs as they grew up, and seemed to be on the path to a successful career. But Ezra had been born female. Gradually becoming more and more uncomfortable with this as they aged, Ezra eventually got desperate about their gender dysphoria, frustrated that their parents just really didn't understand their problem, and didn't know how to help.

So, by the time Ezra became an adult and had saved up enough money to start traveling, they set off, hit the road, traveling to the only destination he knew might hold the solution to his problems. A deep, deep forest, with reports of fey activity somewhere within.

Ezra knew the dangers of fey, he had grown up with stories of them. But even so, he knew what they could do. So he made his way deep inside. On his way, he faced trials and tribulations, having to dodge wild predators (mostly a particularly hangry owlbear) and weave his way past alluring but not at all well-meaning fey creatures.

After awhile, the greenery became much more dense and vibrant, but at the same time, much more alive. He had to dodge predatory plants and cruel thorny vines, eventually becoming gravely injured in the process, which eventually resulted in the loss of one of his legs. But by the time that happened, his destination was already in sight.

A Grand Palace: It was white and gold, looking like a life-sized porcelain sculpture, broken and repaired repeatedly via some form of kintsugi, and then left in the wilds for many centuries, as vines and other plantlife took hold, growing in and out of the impressive royal abode.

He knew what it was immediately. The domain of a Fey Lord, a powerful and nearly god-like being. He knew that they could fix his problem, and all he needed to do was make the right deal with them. So he forced himself to keep going, knowing that he just needed to crawl a little ways longer before he'd reach the one who could solve all of his problems. Give him a new lease on life.

When he finally arrived, he was met with a very amused Archfey, who had watched Ezra's journey ever since he entered the palace. The Archfey was a tall, huge guy really, tan-skinned and red-haired, with an exceptionally long, coiling snake body in place of legs, and a tail that rattled every time the Lord laughed.

The Lord seemed pleased by Ezra's determination, at the very least amused. After aiding him in his wounds, the Lord invited Ezra for dinner and offered a deal, which Ezra elaborated upon. They spoke for a long time about Ezra's desires, and the desires the Lord had as well. And eventually, they settled on something.

The Archfey Lord would give Ezra a proper gender transition treatment, through great fey magic. And he would replace Ezra's leg, as well as gift him great knowledge on plants, in exchange for one thing. A lifetime spent as the Lord's servant, a traveling servant at that, gifted many supernatural and magical powers to aid him as he traveled across the world to gather information for the Lord. Becoming a Warlock, with the sole mission of exploring and gathering knowledge, news, and stories to share with the bored Archfey.

Of course, Ezra accepted. And soon after, he found one of legs replaced by a golden one, tailored specially to his body, which had now been transformed into the more masculine one he so desired. He was gifted magic, brief lessons on how to use it, and some freshly tailored clothes to replace the torn-up farmhand clothes that Ezra had once traveled in.

After that, Ezra set off, ready to serve in the name of his new patron, and happy with the changes that had taken place. He was a little suspicious about his patron's intentions, but overall pleased with how his new life was going now.

[lake-archive]

Track 7 - A Shameful Body

Content Warning!

Gender Dysphoria

If this makes you uncomfortable, I advise you to skip this one.

AO3 Link

Fandom: Hypnosis Mic

Character: Ann Wolff (OC)

Synposis: At work Ann gets to talk to other women who seem to be fascinated with the newbie. They all comment on her, specifically her body. That body… Something she hates.

Track 6 - Track List - Track 8

Another important thing to do at work was not just to work hard but to also build up connections, in case you will need someone in near future. It is also important to keep a good reputation. Being known as the ‘obnoxious bitch’ does no one any favors. It was an awful reputation to have… So Ann made sure to hold conversations whenever she could, when the chance presented itself. After all, it should not have been any different when talking to her friends. Just be a little more polite. After all, they were not people she knew for months nor hung out with for a while. They were people at work, people she converses with on a professional basis… Usually. However, there were those days sometimes… The days she hated the most. Those disgusting days where she just wanted to sink into the ground, right at this moment…

“Ann–San, how do you make this messy hair work?” One of the women asked her, eyeing her very carefully, from head to toe. The young woman had a gaze ever so curious yet eager, just wanting to know the answer to this mystery. It was not the worst… Or so Ann liked to think. But it could get only downhill from here…

“Yeah! And your chest… It’s large!” The second woman commented, making sure to point at the topic of interest, making even Ann’s gaze wander down for a moment. It made her remain silent and the blush hidden behind her mask, luckily, as well as the frown starting to form slowly upon that comment. It was just… She didn’t know. It wasn’t something said with ill intent but not something she felt like hearing. Curse that chest… Curse it all.

“Oh yes! It’s pretty large!” Another one laughed, though playfully. “How nice, the guys must like it a lot. Say Ann, do you happen to have a boyfriend?”

Not this again… But she nodded. “Yeah, I do.” 

“Aww, lucky. Then again, if I had your body maybe I would be as lucky~” Ugh, please, shut up… He likes them a bit too much after all and Ann didn’t want to think about that for even a second… This is a rare instance where her face was hidden so at least she could make the fitting grimace upon hearing such words… And the mention of her boyfriend… Wait, why is it so unsettling to begin with? This is a natural assumption, right? This… It's normal, isn’t it?

“Haha, c’mon now. Not everyone is so lucky like Ann. I mean, she makes that mess of a hair work too. It’s a miracle.”

“Yeah, but most guys I know only look at that you see. I think he could care less about anything else.”

“What guys are you hanging out with?”

Ann was silent during all of this, she only listened. And yet she moved her arms up, crossing them beneath her chest which felt tighter than usual. It was painful, suffocating. Yet again a comment on these sacks… These dreaded sacks. Why does she have them? Why was she cursed with such a large sight? No matter what she wore, she could not hide it. They aren’t the largest in the world but they do stick out. Even now… And since they are the topic in this room the two were more obvious than ever… Again.

How can anyone envy her for this is beyond Ann sometimes. Not to mention being reduced to nothing but those two… It’s painful. It was always those things. How she was envied for this. How guys must like them… How her boyfriend must like them… Was this how this worked? Was she supposed to be happy hearing that? 

If she could have she would have run, right then and there. But she had no excuse this time, not during lunch break. She had to endure those comments. Hah, it is just a literal pain. If it was no big deal to chop off these literal sand sacks, she would do it in a heartbeat. Even if she would scream in pain, it was a hella lot better than whatever this conversation was. In fact, if she could become one with the mere ground, she would be swallowed by the surface of earth and her chest alongside it. No, her body. If the earth could just swallow that up. But she had to take it, make this not known. It would be inappropriate if she didn’t. Feel glad about this… But why didn’t she? Why was her brain just not accepting the praise and wanted her to run instead? She literally had to force herself to sit down and stay put after all… 

Even if they didn’t see she forced herself to smile, just for this moment… A light smile. A smile to show that she appreciated those words. Even if it was an act, a lie in some way. And yet, the longer it went on…

“Say Ann, what is your secret? You got these somehow.”

“I want to know too! A young woman with a boyfriend has to know!”

“Hey, would you mind a little more intimate question Ann–San? Just for—”

Ah no! She can’t do it! She absolutely cannot do this! So she stood up in one swoop, looking at the group before saying: “Excuse me. I have a lot of work to do. So I should head back already.”

And not even waiting for a reply she stormed off, almost running. She walked past several other employees, each giving her a confused stare. Yet Ann did not pay any attention to it. She wanted to be alone, just stay somewhere in solitude. So when she finally passed an empty corner and turned in there she fell onto her knees, mask off as she held her mouth with both of her hands.

The urge was there, all too much. Hearing those comments, echoing in her ears… She had the urge built up, being so close… But she didn’t. Instead she only stared onto the ground, eyes wide as she tried to gather her thoughts… 

How can anyone look at her body and say such things? It is a pain, it is just… Terrible. She hated it, every second she had to walk in that damn thing. She was always looked at - Her figure and especially her chest, the one feature sticking out to so many, one of the first comments she received. It’s… Just… 

It’s so ugly! It’s disgusting! That skin, that hair, that face – She asked for nothing of it! She didn’t want it! The chest is too big, the face too soft, the hair too long! It’s a nightmare! But if she switched it up then what? She would get weird looks! Even though she got different kinds of looks… 

She wanted to sulk, the tears almost coming up. But… No, she didn’t, not here. A deep breath and calm down. This will be over. ‘Get yourself together, you have to work! You have obligations to follow!’ That works.The reminder how she is supposed to be! It always works! 

No, it worked… But it didn’t work today. And the day after… And the many other days to come…

Track 6 - Track List - Track 8

[old-school-butch]

just wanted to say that following a butch older than 40 on here is SOOOO amazing like it blows my mind as a baby butch, it makes me feel like there actually is a future for me embracing being female AND being masculine. bc usually it's one or the other in today's "queer" circles. ppl have acted threatened of me being comfortable as a woman honestly?? like i can tell they just don't understand. a friend of mine even told me they (transmasc) just can't see me as a woman. i was like what do you mean? and they said idk i just can't, you just don't have the vibes. you feel so genderless. later i told them it hurt my feelings bc coming to terms with my womanhood meant a lot to me since i'm detrans, and they apologized and blamed it on their ex-girlfriend having had a looooot of internalized misogyny, and them needing to unlearn it. and now my brain is like... wondering if maybe that affected them identifying as nonbinary. idk. i still try to use they/them if ppl prefer it bc i try to be kind and i myself don't use my birthname and would be weirded out if ppl tried to use it for me. and from my history of dysphoria i know how painful (yet irrational) it can be. i'm just so aware that some ppl out there are identifying as nonbinary not bc they enjoy the identity but bc they're repressed and/or traumatized and have a lot of internalized bs. it makes me so, so sad. i want to help but if i say anything i'm a bigot, and i'm extremely scared of being seen as bigoted, it's a big source of anxiety for me. i'm living a double life right now, most of my friends irl are nonbinary but i have a radfem blog and i'm becoming very critical of gender. it feels like you just can't have a neutral conversation with someone about this. i tried with my nonbinary ex and they visibly started freaking out, and... not to be shitty but it really reminded me of how they acted when i saw them during cptsd episodes. it was like they were full of anxious energy, i couldn't say anything even slightly gender critical. there was a moment where i tried to pry a bit into their internalized sexism and they got this really harsh tone they had neverrrr taken with me in the 5 years we were together. they also regretted going on hrt and they had a moment of regretting top surgery too, but they pretended it never happened afterwards. anyways. it's just wild these days, and i worry about ppl who identify as nonbinary for the wrong reasons, for reasons that actually harm them. i hope there will be more resources for them over the years :/

Pretty interesting that your ex can keep a grip on control over you by ‘acting out.’ That’s not an irrational action, it’s effective. Which sadly describes the grip gender orthodoxy has on our community.

I completely hear you, I never told people I was trans and, if anyone asked had critiques of gender just kind of bubbling inside, but the reality was that other people told me I ‘must be’ trans. One said I was ‘a gay man trapped in the body of a lesbian’, so… I guess when I did something feminine I did it in a masculine way? Or, ya know, how I act is labeled in different ways because of reasons that have nothing to do with me and my existence as a woman.

Don’t beat yourself up about this - all the language and concepts were shoved down our throats. If women are people who identify as women, and if we accept that as true, what are the implications for our own existence and identities? The people creating this language didn’t care about us, and our silence trapped our doubts inside us.

Women won’t be free until we learn to care for ourselves as much as we care for others.

[nyctophobia-au]

Where I've Been

Okay, so, 'sup babygrills. This is going to be a bit of a lengthy post, but I feel like I should update followers on here as to where I've been because I haven't been active for, like, months.

If you don't care to read all of the stuff under the cut, that's fine. Here's my TL;DR: I've been having issues with mental illness, trauma, motivation, gender dysphoria (?), and have been busy with college and YouTube/social media stuff. However, luckily my HK special interest has returned and I plan on posting more often hopefully. (Mild cw for mental health mentions ig.)

Okay, so, to begin, I've been gone a lot due to responsibilities outside of making Nyctophobia content. So, up until recently, I've been working on graduating from college. I've been finishing up my final class this Summer, but last quarter in the Spring was really difficult for me time-wise and mental health-wise. I've had a lot of issues with depression and anxiety throughout my life, and being at college was torturous and sapped all of my energy. It did not help that, last quarter, I had to be there at the college for six hours of my day five days a week. It was not easy to make art for myself and my channel, much less for this blog.

Outside of college, and I've mentioned this before in passing, but I also make YouTube videos and, at the moment, YT is my income (alongside comms as well). I've been pretty focused on keeping my my schedule at least a little bit consistent, and that alone has been draining and tiring. It also affects the kind of art that I can create, as I have to draw certain things for certain videos. I've been really weary when it comes to making content as of late, and I really need to take a small break so that I can work on stuff I actually want to work on rather than being stuck drawing certain things for the sake of videos I'm not inspired to make.

Pivoting more into specifics about my mental health, I have been needing to see a therapist for a long while, but I haven't had the motivation or the funds to pursue that option up until recently. Hopefully, I will be attending therapy soon. Last year in, uhm, September I had a particularly bad mental health episode and I've come to realise that some events that happened during that time have left me with trauma that I'm still currently working past and healing from. I've had issues with self-harm, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and self-perception for a long time, but in the Spring they were stifling and impossible to ignore. Lately, they have been better, though. So, that's nice. There hasn't been just the usual stuff lately (oh no, that's be too easy), but I've gotten jumpscared with gender issues (hooray, my favourite /s) during this time, and am struggling with my self-perception regarding my gender up to current day. (Hi, I currently go by Rot or Sexy Fictional Bug Enthusiast and my pronouns are they/them, but they may very well be they/he soon). Also, I had a bad identity crisis a couple of months ago and had to do this whole rebrand thing that was a lot of work and it kinda sucked away a lot of energy and time.

On top of all of that, ya boy's special interest metre has been focused primarily on OC stuff and other things outside of HK. It's pretty well-known that I have autism and Hollow Knight is one of my special interests. I'm unsure how it works for most people, but my fixations tend to come in waves and fluctuate (though super special meaningful ones stick for a long time). So, like, I had this whole issue with my mind always being fixated more on things outside of HK. It's been my OCs for a few months, but alongside that, I also suddenly became enraptured by The Owl House and my Digimon special interest sleeper agent returned for a hot second there. As of recently, I've been interested in HK again, but have been afraid to start/work on projects related to my AU because of me having to work on OC content for my channel and also for my friends who are invested.

As of right now, I have some more time on my hands to make the content I want to make, and my HK fixation is back (thank fuck). I've generally been doing a bit better in the mental health arena, but I will also be taking some time off of YT and posting videos regularly in favour of focusing on making stuff I want to make. So, like, expect me to be more active here for some time. I might be finishing a fic in the next month (hopefully) as well, and I have some general comic and art ideas. I just want to draw Auric again, god dammit. My beloved. <3

Anyways, thanks for reading if you did. Just figured I'd make a post about this for people who thought I died or something (and for the people who were once interested in my projects on here and are starving for content, lmao).

[sweetmoogirl]

I'm curious as to the psychology of your kink. For someone so young, it seems like a pretty full on and specific kink. I am wondering firstly, what is the connect between fantasy and reality, if any, are you just engaging in fantasy purely for horny reasons? Does your fantasy and kink ever enter your reality and if so to what extent? Secondly, how did this kink begin for you - were you traumatised, did you simply explore the internet until stumbling across something that you explored further because of the sexual excitement it gave you, do you have mental illness or are you a fully functioning person? I think there's a lot to learn from you so please, the more detail and clarity, the better.

im pretty flattered that you seem to think im so interesting lolol

i dont know which kink youre specifically talking about though since a lot of my kinks can fall under this line of questioning. ill answer this for the three "worst" kinks i have: detrans/misgendering, cnc, and misogyny. if its not one of these three then lmk and ill answer again.

for detrans/misgendering, it really not that specific tbh. theres a lot of trans people who have a kink like this or similar to this. (forced) feminization is also very common, especially in masculine spaces. theres absolutely a psychological aspect to this, as well as a societal one. trans people are oppressed and often discriminated against in many ways, including being misgendered. this kink allows for a SAFE and CONSENTUAL space for someone to cope through their traumas in a healthy way.

theres also a VERY strict gender binary often forced on trans people by cis people, and sometimes others in our own community, that force a lot of us into a box. if you dont keep your hair short, wear boy clothing, like masc hobbies, and transition medically then youre not a real trans man. if you dont do makeup and wear dresses with long hair, tuck, get surgery or use padding for breasts, or act feminine then youre not a real trans woman. if youre too masc or fem or you dont fit into nonbinary stereotypes then you must be lying.

this kink is a very easy way to explore masculine and feminine sides to ourselves as trans people that we wouldnt be able to irl because of these harsh gender roles that we HAVE to adhere to otherwise no one takes us seriously (obviously trans people are valid NO MATTER HOW THEY PRESENT OR CHOOSE TO DO but this is a very common mindset we have to deal with).

i got into this kink bc my gender dysphoria is awful. its made me miserable for most of my life and it, alongside my adhd and possible autism, is why i struggle so much with depression and anxiety. im always worried about how ill be seen, if ill pass as male, and remembering my own body makes me sick. i started joking over half a year ago, saying "well i cant get dysphoric if i pavlov myself into getting horny everytime i get misgendered. haha checkmate t3rfs!!!" and then it became less of a joke.

i wrote stories of trans men exploring this kink in my writing and it really helped. im still dysphoric. i may joke about how this kink is the way to cure gender dysphoria but thats not how it actually works. i still have days where my body is unbearable and the thought of being feminized makes me want to hide away forever. but it genuinely did help to break out of those boxes i put myself in and play in a safe space with terms and mentalities regarding my gender.

in terms of fantasy and reality, this is purely fantasy for me. i have no desires to detransition, nor do i have any want to be misgendered outside of horny purposes. i am a man, i will always be a man, and thats not going to change just because tumblr user xyz called me babygirl. im almost a year on testosterone and im considering getting top surgery as we speak. this kink doesnt affect me on any other level than horny.

for cnc/noncon, this one is probably a bit more in depth. i dont have any specific trauma in this field. ive been touched inappropriately against my consent a handful of times (as in someone touched my chest or my hips) but nothing that spawned this kink.

however, there are studies that show that a LOT (as in over half) of afabs get fantasies regarding cnc and non consensual situations. this DOES NOT mean that they want to taken advantage of. for the most part, this kink derives from the idea of being wanted so badly by someone that they would take you no matter what. its also the idea of POWER PLAY, of being helpless and not having to make any sexual decisions.

theres also a lot of trauma involved and, as stated before, kink is a SAFE and HEALTHY place to cope with that trauma as long as safe words, aftercare, and proper communication is enforced. there are many people who like being in a cnc scene and knowing that, unlike their trauma, they now have CONTROL over the situation and can stop it whenever they want and have their wishes be RESPECTED. in this area, i am the wrong person to ask so i implore you to do more research on your own with this topic if youre truly curious.

for ME personally, i like noncon/cnc bc of that power dynamic. i am a submissive who could NEVER dom in any sense of the word. i like being completely submissive and i like having my dom take control and do anything and everything for me. i dont want to make decisions and i like being overpowered and taken care of. its just hot to be forced to do something, whether that be manhandled into the next room or be good.

this is a fantasy that ive had for years, even when i was a kid. i dont know WHY that is, but i do know that a lot of my friends who have childhood related trauma also had fantasies like that as a kid. i also discovered hardcore porn and noncon scenes when i was WAY too young to even know what sex was and im sure that exposure affected me in an unhealthy way too. again, id implore you to look for educational resources on the nature of forceful and violent fantasies, both sexual and not. its a fascinating subject and bdsm and kink psychology and etiquette has been a fixation of mine for years.

and it is just that, a fantasy. in real life, i am extremely sex repulsed and borderline identify as asexual because i dont want to do anything like that with anyone. im also, as mentioned before, extremely anxious and socially awkward so i dont like being near people at all. the idea of anyone hitting on me or not respecting my boundaries makes me feel ill, even if its hot while im horny.

for misogyny, ill keep it short bc its related to everything above. basically combine my reasoning for cnc and detrans and youd get my reason for this. its basically me, as a trans person, going from one extreme of being so masculine it was toxic and exploring the other extreme. its once again just me exploring a taboo subject in a safe and consensual space.

misogyny kink is rooted in strict female gender roles, as well as the forcefulness and disrespect you get from cnc. thats why its my favorite kink, it combines everything i like but specifically utilizes WHY i like those things. i discovered it when i made my first detrans/misgendering tumblr account and made a side account dedicated to it, and then when i made this account i just combined the two.

i grew up super fucking feminist and i still am a major feminist who is all about supporting women and their choices. i love women and think theyre cool as hell and much, much stronger than i am lolol. this is just a fantasy for me, nothing more. this is another kink that is heavy on the dom/sub dynamics, as well as giving people who experience trauma at the face of their oppression a place to take back those experiences.

anyways thats my super long post!!! tysm for asking, anon, i love answering questions. if you have any further questions then you can shoot me some more anons or you can message me directly, i dont mind :D

i hope i answered your question and it all made sense!!!!

[pup-in-transit]

After two months of waiting, dozens of phone calls, countless sleepless nights, and a $300 fee, I had my appointment for my surgical readiness assessment yesterday. I was approved.

As you might expect, I have been feeling a little emotional about it.

I don't have a date yet, but now that all the paperwork is ready to go I can get my doctor to send it off to Montreal, at which point I can reach out to them and book whatever I need to book. I'm estimating I'll have my vaginoplasty by late next year.

I heard a lot of horror stories, mostly from America and Britain, about this kind of appointment being gatekept or letters denied due to having the "wrong" kind of dysphoria, but the nurse practitioner I sat down with was very kind to me. I felt safe asking questions and talking about myself. I'm grateful that it went as well as it did. I worked really hard to get this appointment ahead of the astronomically long wait list through MSP, and I was so scared they'd say no and I'd have to start all over again. Honestly, I don't think I would have had the strength for that.

You might be at a similar stage as myself and curious (re: dreading) what they'll ask you. I'm Canadian and going through the standards of care required in British Columbia, so our experiences may not be identical, but essentially all their questions are gonna be based around a small handful of themes:

What is your story about your dysphoria? My assessor wanted to know a bit myself so she could properly support me. We talked about "when I knew" I was transgender, how I mitigate my dysphoria, and when I decided to explore surgery.

What supports do you have? This a life changing surgery, and my assessor wanted to know that I'll be taken care of after everything is said and done. We discussed my housing, briefly about my financial situation, and who in my life can help look after me.

What do you want, and why? Basically, she needed to know what procedure I'm interested in and why I thought it was the best choice for me. We also went over the risks and complications, and she encouraged me to ask questions about anything I didn't understand.

At no point was a formal diagnosis of gender dysphoria discussed, nor was my non-binary status / lack of HRT talked about as a barrier to surgery.

This wasn't nearly as scary as I was worried it would be, and I am so glad I went through with it. It's one more important milestone over and done with. I'm a big step closer to having a body I can truly love being in!

If you are at this stage and you're just as terrified as I was, I can say from personal experience that you are going to be ok. Keep at this, you will perservere 🧡