#also i just understood why i dislike the movie so much by ranting this

[ironhusband]

Rant time because I just watched Red, White and Royal Blue:

Things I disliked

(0. The fact it already took over the wiki I swear to god-)

1. Okay let’s start small. I will never forgive the exclusion of the “your dad is hot” text chain.

2. I also don’t like how the karaoke scene played out but I guess I can live with it.

3. No PowerPoint presentation???? Crime.

4. The texts felt a little abrupt? They were supposed to be showing us Alex and Henry becoming friends and they cut them off in two seconds. It didn’t seem so obvious why they’re suddenly friends at new years.

5. Somehow everything they added was cheesier than the book. I mean the book is cheesy but in a way I loved, but this movie kinda made me wanna gag.

6. Ok yes I know this is petty but. I still think the actors were horrible choices. I was not impressed by the acting if I’m honest and they had fine chemistry but it wasn’t… Alex and Henry chemistry. Like book Alex and Henry had so much chemistry it was electrifying and you didn’t want to take your eyes off them. Movie Alex and Henry are believable as a couple… and that’s it. Plus I didn’t love Alex. Alex is one of my favorite characters of all times and this guy just felt wrong. There were some moments that were good but his inherent charm just wasn’t there.

7. Ok now getting to the less petty reasons. I just. Hated. Everything they decided to do with the “side characters”. I will never forgive the exclusion of June, Alex’s best friend and confidant the person who knows him better than anyone. Watching her and Nora be a couple in the sidelines was my favorite part of reading the book, but even if they would have cut those hints, I just. Am so incredibly angry that they deleted the character altogether. It is simply wrong. June was the person who understood the pressure Alex was on most of all, while still having the tension of disagreeing over their passion of politicos. For god’s sake, June was the person that helped Alex figure himself out…. She was important on her own and to the plot and she was sorely missed from the movie. Bea on the other hand was… confusing. I hated how they dealt with both of the families in this movie, which I will elaborate on later, but if they’re giving us a Henry pov how come we get this dull three lines woman, not the punk with addiction problems that is afraid to go out in public. I mean, even the way she dressed - the real Bea would hate it. And we didn’t even get the ‘I love him on purpose’ conversation with her. Nora was fine, I suppose. Her and Alex’s dynamic was mostly a copy of Alex and June, but I could live with it. Except that we don’t know anything about her that we knew in the book. We don’t know she’s the vice president’s daughter. We don’t know she is a computer whiz or good with math. We don’t know hers and Alex’s history. We don’t know she’s a chaos goblin. She was just there. And Rafael Luna who was so important to the plot is just absent… I think they replaced him with Miguel Ramos (based on the trip story) which. I hate that so much.

In short my complaint with most of the side characters is that you could narrow it down to one friend for Henry and one for Alex, and nothing will change. The side characters were some of the best parts of the book and I hate that I didn’t get to see them but some boring cardboard cutouts with the same name.

8. Henry’s family. I mean I guess it was fine. Except that Bea’s struggle with social anxiety is so important to understand why Henry is afraid of coming out. Except that his relationship with his mom was a sore spot and the fact she showed up to support him meant so much in the book. Except that his grief towards his dad was barely expressed and c’mon we could have seen them watching at least one of his movies. Except that no one in that family has ever acted the way they have in the book - besides maybe his brother - and it was. So unclear why Henry wanted to please them. The queen was absent altogether and the king was surprisingly okay about Henry deciding to own his truth? I mean, things got so bad in the book, that Henry considered giving up his title… the movie shows none of that.

9. Alex’s family - besides the fact that June was missing, I think they misunderstood a big part of Alex’s character- his parents’ divorce. Alex’s childhood in Texas is such an important part of him and the fact his parents aren’t even divorced when that effected him so much… it’s why he often deflects when things get personal, why he prioritises his career over his love life, it’s why he acted like his relationship with Nora is now just a way to mess with the press. It’s why Texas is such a bittersweet place for him. It’s why he hasn’t considered his sexuality sooner either, at least the way I see it. It’s why saying I love you to Henry was such a big deal to him - why being rejected hurt him even more. But this time his parents are happily married? This time he has no one to share the burdens of being in the family with? It just felt wrong.

I also just didn’t like any of them or felt their performances to be true to their character. Alex’s relationship with his mother was so hot and cold and the changes in it felt so unnatural (Ellen herself wasn’t as fun either…). And Alex’s relationship with his dad was ok but it didn’t hit the way it should - he didn’t seem as hungry for his approval, as distant from him because he still feels slightly abandoned. Alex coming out to his dad meant so much in the book because of that - it was the first real connection he had with his dad in years and it gave him the courage to admit how he felt towards Henry. Rafael Luna’s absence and the way he was an important part to understanding Alex and his dad was also very noticeable (Luna being Alex’s connection to his dad through their culture and politics, and also Luna and his dad being friends - all of this part of the reason he was so betrayed by Luna being a republican, and felt more distance from his dad who wouldn’t explain this - but also the way it related to Alex’s relationship with being queer, and being Latino and queer…)

Alex loves politics so much because of his parents too - especially in the wanting the approval thing, making a difference as a Latino politician just like his dad and wanting to help his mom because he believes in her cause especially- and the way they showed it wasn’t it. And of course the whole dynamic felt completely weird without June.

The movie made a good point to talk about Alex’s family as his connection to politics and making a difference and representation, but the book did all that by showing and not telling, so even though I liked the fact they had a conversation about white privilege in the movie, it felt superficial because it didn’t relate to who Alex is.

10. We got very little of the emails too which was weird. And a lot of stuff they transferred from emails to real life. Most of Henry and Alex’s relationship was long distance and the emails showed that. But the sweet poetry, the texts about queer history, the mention of meetings and events…. It was all missing. We missed too much of them in that. Maybe this shouldn’t be so high up on the list but it made me incredibly sad. When I saw edits of the book into a “movie” all I looked forward to was the actors voicing over those sweet love letters as we saw Alex being involved with politics.

11. So much I didn’t enjoy about the reveal. The fact we didn’t see the people’s support too much and the way they loved “history, huh? Bet we could make some” (which wasn’t in the emails!!!). I didn’t love that they skimped over how it affected America politically too. Where’s the reveal that republicans outed the president’s son? Which is part of the reason Ellen won? Where’s the funny tweets calling Henry a ho? Where is the speech at Texas? “To you specifically, I say: I see you. I am one of you. As long as I have a place in this White House, so will you. I am the First Son of the United States, and I’m bisexual. History will remember us.”

We never got to see how much the reveal meant to others. It just meant a lot to Alex and Henry to have support, and I’m sorry but that wasn’t enough for me. That wasn’t the point.

12. Alex’s bisexuality. The way it was handled makes me seethe. Ok they had him say it twice but like. Where is the journey of realization? Where is all the little hints before Alex discovers himself (hello the poster??? And also the fact he made out with guys before like yes ok but he didn’t think anything of it at the time. He was in denial)? Where is the coming out to the public? Alex was so touched to discover queer history and he never once let people forget he was bi, even tho movie Alex was perfectly fine letting multiple people call him homosexual when he isn’t. I loved Alex because of his bisexual journey - because it was “later” in life (as I’m not while he was a teenager) too and because it was a part of him without being a big deal. And this movie stole that from me. It broke my heat. This movie, in every way, forget that representation matters.

13. If One Last Stop’s strength was showing us how the private people that changed queer history slipped through the cracks, Red, White and Royal Blue’s strength was showing us the milestones that brought us here and the milestones we can look forward to. And yet in the movie… there is nothing. No discussion of which political figures were gay. None of Henry’s love of iconic British queer celebrities. No photo of the hands up protest on Alex’s desk, no talk about the 2014 gay marriage legalization. Sure it may seem like small moments… but they aren’t. The book was built on the foundation of queer history and queer culture, both American and British, and it payed homage to it and loved it and showed its respect for it…. But the movie cut it, mercilessly misunderstanding its importance. It may have said “History huh? Bet we could make some” but it didn’t get it.

These are the reasons I felt like this is a ‘I fell in love with a prince’ romcom with a gay twist. Sure they got all the technical parts just fine. But it didn’t show the truly beautiful, mesmerizing parts of the book. I wanted to see the real Alex on the big screen. I wanted to be amused by Nora and June. I wanted to feel for Bea. I wanted to see how sweet and shy and dorky Henry is. I wanted to see the political intrigue that hooked me, the romantic emails that made me swoon, the journey to coming out that was so touching, the specific humor that made me laugh and return again and again to devotedly read Casey McQuiston’s books. I wanted to feel like I was seeing the couple who feels like it’s love or die and in their case maybe it is.

Instead, I feel like I just got the answer to who tops which is the last thing I cared about.

Sure, cuts are necessary and this wasn’t a show… but to me it felt like what they choose to cut was the book’s heart.

Things I liked

1. Zahra

That’s it

[ambrossart]

Hi💓

This is just me ranting about the little/big details you gave out throughout the story that I understood just now. The fact that she always researched his interests (going to the concerts, reading his favorites books) BUT he also did. He stated in the flashbacks that he didn't like horror, but the reader was into it and now she finds Creepshow beside his bed 🥺 and the Halloween-themed bit was not forgotten.

The insecurity she felt when his previous experiences were hinted (I don't know if it was intentional but the fact that he looked for a condom in his wallet and it wasn't there means there once was one..or many) but then he reassured her with a silly joke to make her feel better. That was one of the sweetest moments.

The sweetest was when he told her how much he missed her, which makes me look forward to the future stories about their past.

Also, does Gareth dislike the reader? 👀I kinda sensed it in one of your responses so it made me wonder if he dislikes her or he's mad at her for ruining the campaign back then or he's jealous his bff found a girlfriend 😆

Hope I don't bother you with all this unnecessary text

Have a nice day ♥️

Hi! I'm gonna answer your lovely rant with another rant 💖

One of the things I love most about their relationship is how it develops naturally while bonding over their hobbies/interests. They may not have the exact same interests, but they do have compatible interests, so while there still has to be some give-and-take, it doesn't have to be forced for either of them.

For example, she's not a huge fan of D&D (the mechanics are too confusing) but she loves reading, so the storytelling aspect of the game greatly appeals to her. If it didn't, she would have to fake it, and Eddie would know she was faking it. Instead, she lets her imagination run wild (oftentimes ignoring the game mechanics completely) and drags Eddie along with her, giving him a much-needed break from the monotony of Scottie's stale storylines.

I could go on an entirely separate rant about how these two are wonderfully compatible, but I won't.

Their having separate interests also creates some hilarious misunderstandings, particularly for Eddie because he almost never understands her references. Back in middle school, this caused him to overlook several hints that she likes him:

She calls him Halloween-themed. He takes it as an insult even though she literally follows it up with, "Halloween's my favorite holiday." Hint hint.

The most obvious one is in the flashback in the finale. After the reader betrays him and Eddie gets upset, she suggests they journey into the Underworld to get Eddie's character's soul back and she references the legend of Orpheus and Eurydice, a tragedy about two lovers separated by death.

BUT as you pointed out, Eddie has made an effort to learn more about her hobbies just like she has done with him. He was never a fan of horror, but she finds Creepshow next to his bed, which isn’t just any horror comic. It’s a comic based on a movie that was directed by George A. Romero. In part 9, the reader says she’s a huge fan of George A. Romero and considers Night of the Living Dead the greatest horror movie of all time, which is also probably why Eddie decided to awkwardly throw a zombie reference into his big love confession in the finale. He knows she loves zombies and horror. The timing wasn’t great, but his heart was in the right place.

ANYWAY, FINALLY MOVING ON:

Yes, it was intentional to have Eddie instinctively check his wallet only to realize he doesn't have a condom. This boy is not a virgin. He’s not as experienced as the reader assumes he is, but he has had sex a few times. He’s a good-looking guy, and even though he claims most girls are afraid of him, some girls are bound to have gotten a little curious. He alluded to this in part 7. Most girls are scared, but some look at him and assume he’s really dangerous and might be into some kinky shit. He really isn’t, but with the right person, he might be willing to give it a go. 😏

We’ll touch more on this later because, sweet as that moment was, Eddie didn’t completely vanquish her insecurities regarding his dating/sexual history.

And finally, yes, Gareth and the reader have a slightly combative history. Mostly, this is because of Eddie’s dislike for her in middle school. She was the big enemy coming to ruin the campaign, and Gareth was very eager to answer Eddie’s call to arms because he has his own problems with her...

Eddie might’ve declared a truce with her, but Gareth didn’t. For him, the war is still on 😂

[broken-clover]

i recently understood why you dislike the strive story mode so much. i hadn't seen it since i usually stuck to the fighting game part of fg's, but after watching all 3 hours of it it somehow managed to completely sour me on happy chaos because he has barely a shred of the personality he has ingame. how did we learn less about him over the course of a 3 hour movie than in a single banger song that is close to 6 minutes long? he's so comically apathetic in the game, in story he just talks nonsense

I do appreciate Strive's use of character themes, partly because otherwise some characters would barely have any plot. I would say 'that's more than we got from Xrd,' but I realize in hindsight that in Xrd we also had the outtro quotes, and those could give a bit of personality to characters. Even for newcomers like Haehyun and Answer I feel like having victory lines gave them just as much if not more character depth, or at least were just kinda fun.

I know this may sound bitter, but the thought crossed my head after Strive's full release that 'huh, so they weren't just giving us nothing about Nagoriyuki in the previews outside of him being a samurai vampire because everything else is plot-important, it's because they literally gave him nothing else outside of that' (and I know he did play a role in the plot, but still)

Happy is an egregious example in that he not only has a significant chunk of his character put into his theme, but he is also a main character in the actual story mode yet comes off as shallower than a song. And even then it feels so incongruous looking between the song and the story. I know I've already ranted a lot about this and I'm sorry, but it really does make it feel like he's more of a plot device than a consistent character. It's like they specifically made a character to be 'chaos' so they could justify him doing anything the plot needed him to. I never thought I'd say this, but why does this character not act more like a theme song? The ideas of his theme and bio of constantly fluctuating his interests and goals does seem conceptually interesting, but in execution it's squandered so hard

[wdwmarveldisney]

okay i don’t know if you still write for ouat but i’d die for you to write a henry mills fanfic when he’s a teen and he’s in a relationship with a girl of the same age and her parents are villains(but dead now) so regina, emma and the rest of the gang don’t like her and they try to keep henry away from her but he gets upset at them or something because of it.

there are little to none henry mills fanfics out there and it makes me annoyed since i’ve recently refallen down a rabbit hole of wanting to read love stories about him

Don’t

Henry Mills x Fem!reader

Requested

Summary: Reader is the daughter of two recent villains but is nothing like them. When her and Henry start dating, the family don’t take it so well. They begin to try and separate you two out of the belief it was best for him. Having enough of it, Henry snaps at them.

Masterlist

A/N: I agree with there not being enough Henry fics. Also this isn’t set in a certain season. Mentions briefly death, kidnapping and verbal abuse but not in any detail.

(GIF isn’t mine)

Living in Storybrooke was dull when you weren't one of the heroes or villains and especially when your parents were villains leading to no one trusting you. Your parents had recently tried to kill a bunch of people for some ritual. To everyone else, they claimed it was for you but you knew better. They were greedy and self-centred and blinded by it. Everything they did was for personal gain including marrying each other and having you. As much as you didn't want to believe it, it was a story your mum had told you many a times. How they had to pass on their evil legacy to someone and that they had to have a little villain just like them. And so they raised you by neglecting you and verbally abusing you and making you feel like you weren't worth it.

But you didn't believe it. You couldn't. There was so many heroes in the world and you had the opportunity to help. Through tricking your parents into little unnoticeable things. So when they had started to execute their plan, you had headed straight over to the only person you deemed worthy of your trust for the time being. Henry agreed to not tell the heroes that you helped as long as you did. If something went wrong and you had done it purposely, he had swore that he was going to eat you out, no matter the amount of promises you made.

You gave him valuable information of the next person to be kidnapped and when and he relayed the information. And you were parents were caught. You weren't surprised when Henry told you they had chosen to drink an incurable poison to escape doing time for their crimes. It just further proved the theory that they didn't give a damn about you. Apparently they had asked for their maid on their deathbed instead of their daughter and you didn't plan on visiting them. You were free. No more pretending to be evil because no matter what they did, you had told yourself you'd be nothing like them. They were villains, all that was wrong in the world and all you wanted to be was a beacon of light.

After you not visiting your parents, Henry started asking questions. Questions you didn't want to answer. So he connected things and he had got the idea, confirmed by a small nod of your head. Henry understood you weren't your parents and that you wanted to be different so he stuck by you. His family started noticing and whenever passing them in the street, you'd get hesitant or suspicious looks but Henry assured you it was nothing. And then you started dating. Boy, that did not help matters at all.

It was good at first, amazing. You went on so many dates, spent so much time together and knew each other better than anybody could believe. But his family began worrying more, scared you were using him or corrupting him. You couldn't blame them. You're parents were villains and you had asked Henry if he was ok with keeping what your parents were like a secret because you hated the idea of it defining you. He had agreed saying that it was only fair since it was your life and you should be the one to decide who knows. So his family strongly disliked you and you hated it.

One thing you admired about Henry was his love for his family. They were everything to him and so they were important to you. Them hating you tore you apart because it upset Henry. You tried everything to try to prove yourself to them but the recent kidnappings and murders your parents did were fresh in their mind. You explained that to Henry, every time he began to apologise. They had reason and logic on their side and they had every right to dislike you.

Even with the dislike, they never really did anything to get in between you and Henry until recently. Every time there was a date, something magically happened that Henry couldn't get out of. Decorating rooms instead of the arcade dates, clearing out garages instead of the picnics, running the shop instead of lunches at Granny's, helping Hook with his boat instead of movie nights. You could see what they were doing and, though it hurt, you accepted their side of the story. Henry, however, hadn't noticed what they were doing. He had complained about not being able to spend enough time with you and you didn't want to be the one to tell him what was happening.

He had worked it out soon enough and had ranted about it in his cute little way you loved. The over exaggerated retellings, the massive hand gesture that had made him accidentally hit you at times, the cute little pout. After spending the time with you on your 'secret date', he seemed to have planned something. You were complaining about the old lady in the next room at the inn who couldn't seem to keep her nose out of your business when his eyes had lit up and his grip tightened ever so slightly on your hand. "You ok there?"

"Come on," Henry practically dragged out of the diner, giving just enough time to leave way too much money on the table. He had dragged you straight to the loft, where everyone was and pulled you over to the sofa. He began to put in a movie whilst you had an internal breakdown. You always did movie nights at your room to avoid his family and any possible outcomes it may have. The start to Peter Pan began to play and a smile made its way onto your face, your hand having to cover your lips when you remembered Hook was right behind you. Henry gave you a grin and a shrug before sitting next to you and pulling you into his side despite your attempts to avoid it.

It was silent apart from the TV and you could feel the eyes on the back of your head glaring at you. Taking a deep breath, you moved closer to Henry and grabbed his hand in order to play with his fingers, a habit you had began to do when stressed. His focus went from the movie to you as all your focus was on his fingers. He had this small grin on his face as he watched you interlaced your fingers with his and turn back to the movie. He soared a glance over his shoulder to see his family still watching with hesitant looks. He sighed, grabbing the remote and pausing the movie, standing up in the process. You had ended up almost laying on the sofa from his sudden disappearance and sighed when you saw the look on his face. He was going to have a go at them. You'd convinced him not to but he was going to anyway. You stood up too, in front of him, hands on his chest as you two made eye contact. "Don't,"

"I have to," his voice was strong but soft and you sighed, resting your forehead against his shoulder, praying to every god above this went well. "I know you guys have been trying to keep her away from me because of who her parents are but she's not like that. She's the complete opposite!" He looked to you for permission, understanding that it was probably best to tell them. You nodded, not facing the adults in order to ignore the reactions, "Her parents were horrible. They neglected her and verbally abused her and tried to force her to become this mirror image of them but she's good. She's the kindest, sweetest and cutest person I know. She's spent money she doesn't have on me because I've forgotten to eat or I can't pay for something. She drops everything if I need her and she listens to everything I say. I," he paused, sending you a quick smile, "We hate that you don't like her. She's been trying so hard to prove to you guys she's good and you're just ignoring it!"

"Kid-"

"No mum. You can't justify that. And I've wanted to talk to you about it for a while now but Y/N has constantly stood up for you and stopped me." You finally looked at the adults' expression, the shock and surprise and a hint of guilt possibly. You were never really good at reading expressions. "I love her," that got your attention. You quickly stepped in front of him, eyebrows raised and eyes wide. "Say what now?" He laughed, glancing down to where you had subconsciously grabbed his hand and began to play with his fingers. "I love you,"

"I love you too," his grin widen at your dopey smile and giddy expression. You lifted your hand and shoved his shoulder lightly making him laugh and reach to hold that hand as well. "We're sorry," With what was happening, the fact there were adults in the room had completely slipped from your mind. Facing them, you saw them glancing between you two and let a confused look take over your features. "Why?"

"We shouldn’t have done what we did. We should’ve given you a chance,” Snow was the one to speak but from their similar expressions, you guessed they all felt the same. Even with the apology you were confused. “But you had every right too. You were trying to protect Henry and I’m the daughter of two evil monsters. I don’t blame you,” they all smiled, Regina clapping her hands together before speaking, “Well, how about we watch the movie?” As the adults worked on popcorn and blankets and Hook not so secretly changing the movie, you and Henry sat on the sofa. He wrapped his arm around you, pulling you closer, the two of you smiling like maniacs. You had both wanted this since the beginning and now all you felt was relief and love.

You finally felt like you had a family.

[alittleimagine]

just a favor pt. 1

derek hale x reader 

prologue

Derek looked tense. You understood why- it wasn’t every day a person brought a fake significant other for a holiday dinner with their parents- but, it simply wouldn’t do. 

You had this. You were going to be the best fake girlfriend the Hales had ever seen. Hell, if Derek’s purported terrible taste in women was true then you were likely to be the best girlfriend they’d ever seen fake or otherwise. 

Now you just had to make Derek believe it. 

You jotted down ‘basketball fans’ in your notebook and tapped the pen to your lips. “We should probably discuss any pet names.” You said. Your natural inclination was to watch him until his ears turned pink again, but he already looked ready to lose it at any moment and that was the opposite of your goal this time around. Instead, you kept your eyes on your paper, even if you watched him from the periphery. 

When you’d met with him days ago to start getting details together it was obvious he had no idea what he was doing. That was fine, you had plenty of experience with fanfiction and Hallmark movies.

From the corner of your eye you could see Derek glance your way. He didn’t look alarmed, per se, but he was far from relaxed. 

“Pet names?”

“Yeah. You know- honey, babe, snookums?” There was no way in hell you would ever seriously call Derek snookums, but if calling him things like Sugar Butt or Honey Bunches made his ears turn that pretty shade of pink you would have some fun with it. “If we’re going to use any kind of nickname we want to get in the habit so it sounds normal and not weird.” 

You angled yourself toward him, dropping the pretense of reading the same five lines on your notebook. 

He furrowed his brow, looking deep in thought. “I don’t know. Jennifer hated pet names.”

Jennifer. Hated enough that even sweet Kira had ranted and raved for weeks after she dumped Derek. If this was going to work, you thought, he could not talk about her. 

“Okay. New rule number one. If you want your family to believe you are over your heinous ex, it’s best not to mention her.” You said. “As far as you’re concerned any mention of Jennifer should prompt a ‘Jennifer who?’ in your mind. New girlfriends don’t like the mention of old girlfriends.”

He winced. “You’re right.”

“Also, screw whatever Jennifer liked or didn’t like. I’m asking 

Derek Hale, what you’re comfortable with.”

For a moment he said nothing, then nodded resolutely. There was the slightest loosening of his shoulders and you smiled to yourself. 

“You can call me whatever. Except snookums.” He added in a rush. 

You snorted. 

“I don’t know what I’ll call you though. It might just be Y/N.” 

“That’s fine. Go with whatever feels normal. I’m probably going to call you babe. Or Derek. Or D- you can blame Stiles for that one. Who knows.” You shrugged. Without thinking about it, you wrote ‘babe’ onto a separate line of the notebook. 

“Are you really taking notes?” The car slowed as you pulled up to a light and Derek took the opportunity to look over at the little blue and gold journal you’d been fiddling with for most of the car ride. 

“Not quite,” you said, unsure how to properly explain it, “I’m never going to review the notes or study them. But, jotting things down just helps me organize my thoughts and remember things. We’re planning a classic fake dating holiday shenanigan here- you want me on my A-game.”

“I can’t believe you even agreed to this.” He muttered as he started driving again. 

Malia and Kira had not been surprised at all when you’d told them. Kira had spit out her apple cider when you barged into the coffee shop you’d planned to meet them at and declared that you were now dating Malia’s cousin (Kira never failed to give you a good reaction), but after hearing the rest there had only been knowing nods. 

When you’d moved to Beacon Hills Derek had been almost a year into the ill-fated relationship with Jennifer. You’d been introduced to both of them at the same time by Stiles and Jennifer had seemed like a perfectly friendly person, but the face Stiles made when they turned their backs had been plenty indication that she was not the most well-loved. 

You never spent any time with Jennifer directly. As you began to fold more and more into the close circle of friends you noted that she never went to movie night and she never joined the girls for sushi. Lydia had insisted that they’d tried to be nice and include her in the beginning, but that hadn’t lasted long.

“There was pretty much zero chance I would turn this down.” 

The truth was Derek was a babe and so much your type it was almost painful, but you’d always assumed he didn’t like you very much. When he’d asked you to fake date him you’d figured either he didn’t dislike you as much as you’d thought or he was really desperate. Either way, you couldn’t say no.

“Because you’re a little crazy?” 

You flicked his arm with your pen. “Never mind, rule number one is don’t ever call your girlfriend crazy. Don’t call any woman crazy just to be safe.” You said.

“Noted.” He looked like he was trying not to smile and that was reassuring. “But, really, why would you say yes to a Thanksgiving pretending you’re my girlfriend in front of mostly strangers?” 

You shrugged. “How often does an opportunity like that come up?” He didn’t need to know that you wanted to become friends and that it wasn’t hard to pretend to be head over heels for him. “Besides, you looked really desperate. Who was your next option? Stiles in a dress?”

The image flashed in your head the moment you said it. 

“I should have said no. That would have been hilarious.”

“If you’d said no I would have had to fake some terrible accident.” 

You snorted. “And they say I’m dramatic.” You tapped your pen to the paper and wracked your brain for anything you might have missed. “Okay, let’s walk through it.” You said as you turned in the car seat to face him.

“Kira and Malia will arrive tomorrow morning, and they are prepared with our basic story. Which is as simple as possible. The more detail you give unprompted, the easier it is to spot a lie. I got to town, thought you were way hot,” Derek flushed and you added another mark to your mental tally, “but you were with Jennifer. You guys broke up, you got over it, we were hanging out with everyone else, you realized I am also way hot, we got together. Simple.” 

Derek, blush slowly fading, nodded again. “And if they ask for details we tell them about running into each other a couple of times on our own. At the pizza place first. Then the coffee shop the next time. And talked.” He said it like he was still trying to memorize every detail.

“I kissed you first. And tada, we’ve been together since then.” 

You’d kept it all simple and common on purpose. No one questioned such an every-day story. Both of Derek’s sisters had been to Beacon Hills to visit him since you’d moved to town so there were restrictions to keep in mind as well. 

A thought struck you. “Hey, pull over into the next gas station.”

Derek glanced at you quickly. “You need something?” He asked, already flicking the turn signal on. 

“Park to the side.” You said, then waited until he’d pulled all the way into a parking spot to unbuckle your seatbelt. You looked at him very seriously. 

The crease in his brow deepened. “Is everything okay?” Hesitantly he turned his body to face you. 

“We need to kiss.” 

“What?” Forget his ears and neck, you were sure Derek was red to the tips of his toes. He gaped at you and looked around the car once as though some invisible passenger had more information. 

“Relax. Breathe.” You had discussed physical contact days ago. He knew to expect casual touching from you and cheek kisses were a given. He knew that there was a chance you’d have to kiss-kiss because, as you’d said, ‘assuming we won’t is a surefire way to have a kiss demanded’. “I’m not talking making out, heavy tongue action, getting steamy in the 7-11 parking lot.”

He ran a hand over his face. 

“But, chances are the occasion for us to kiss will come up. I don’t know about you but I don’t typically make out in front of my mom, but kissing on the lips seems pretty standard.” When he nodded you went on. “So we should probably not have the first time we kiss be at that awkward moment. No one will believe us if we can’t even find each other’s lips.” 

Derek leaned his head back against the seat and took a deep breath. “You’re right.” He said. 

“I know. I usually am.” 

He rolled his eyes but it seemed like the casual arrogance was doing something to relax him. He sat up straight and turned to you again. “Let’s do this then.”

You adjusted in the seat, folding a leg under you and leaning forward. You expected Derek to be hesitant like he’d been about every other step of the way, but he seemed resolute when he reached forward to wrap his hand around the base of your skull and pull you in.

The kiss was chaste- nothing but a warm press of his lips to yours, but the heat of his hand against your neck was extremely distracting. 

You pulled back first, schooling your expression into something you hoped read amused and not like you wanted to give that another shot. 

Derek quickly sat back into his seat. His face gave nothing away, but you thought you could see pink crawling up his neck.

The place where his hand had been only a moment ago now felt cold. Unconsciously your hand moved to cover the spot while you leaned back in your seat and buckled up. “There.” You said. Your voice was steady and casual. “Now that that’s done, we can keep going.”

Derek cleared his throat and glanced your way before he buckled his seatbelt and pulled out of the parking spot. 

There was a tension in the car that you hadn’t felt before the practice kiss. It could not be allowed to continue. 

You reached down to pick your notebook back up. You clicked the pen open and tapped it against your bottom lip. “So, let’s be honest, which of your sisters is going to want to embarass you most?”

Derek groaned. 

[dwaynepride]

better off running wild

summary: college au. reader is supposed to be tutoring tony, but things get carried away.

words: 3,360

warnings: make out session

tags: @stanathanxoox​ @pageofultron​  @jrenn10​ @andreasworlsboring101 @dressed-up-just-like-z1ggy​ @ms-allenbrown​ @ikbenplant​ @dylpickles1267​ @diaryofafan17​ @specialagentlokitty​

There’s just something you’ve always hated about jocks. 

Most of them were alright, admittedly. Those who mostly kept to their own giant friend circles and didn’t pay you much attention. There’s even a basketball player in one of your classes who gave you part of his lunch during lecture, which was pretty cool. 

But the sentiment of disliking jocks, while cliche, is never so prominent than on Wednesday afternoons. 

“Hurry up, Slowpoke. I got practice at four.” Tony’s broad chest is pressing against your shoulder, pushing himself into your space. All it earns him is an elbow to the gut, and the sound of him grunting is strangely satisfying.

“I can only write so fast,” you snap back to him. With a huff, you continue to scribble your name down on the library’s guest sheet. Once upon a time, you had a peacefully available Wednesday afternoon schedule. Sometimes, you’d go to the coffee shop to study and work. Other times, you might just head back to your dorm and catch a quick nap.

Nowadays, because Professor Gibbs decided you were the best for the job, you get to hang out in the library tutoring Tony DiNozzo.

As if the Professor couldn't have paired you off with anybody less annoying, less eager to actually learn, or any more inclined not to run off at the mouth about his favorite movie that you’ve never even heard of before. And sure, Tony was hot. Jaw-droppingly gorgeous with big shoulders and a great smile and nice hair and somehow, that all just made him even more annoying because he knew he was a 12 out of 10.

Case in point, when you finally step away so he could sign his name, Tony smiled and winked. Probably a reflex for him to flirt with anything that moved or whatever. You’ve been dealing with it for weeks. 

So with a cross huff, you turn and walk off in the direction of your usual table.

The table is located at the very back of the library - a stuffy little corner nobody came around or even acknowledged and it’s worked wonders for Tony’s attention span. Out among the other tables, he just got too distracted - flagging down and talking to whichever one of a thousand friends he has, or attempting to chat up some poor girl who was trying to study. 

It’s sad, really, that you have to tuck him away in some dusty corner for Tony to focus, but it's where you are now.

By the time Tony shows up, you have all the books and papers laid out on the table for the tutoring session. “Did you do the homework last night?” You ask him without even looking up.

He’s quiet for a moment, slowly making his way around you to his own seat. “I did some of it,” Tony answers eventually.

“Some?”

“Yeah. I had a party to go to. Couldn’t finish it.”

Tony plops down in his chair, tilts his head up, and puts on that familiar glamorizing smile - probably hoping it would keep you from scolding him. Maybe before, that smile might’ve weakened you a bit. Not now, though. Not after dealing with his bullshit for nearly two months every single Wednesday afternoon. 

You sit with a deadpan frown. “So a party is more important than your grades, huh?”

Tony blinks and shrugs. “Well, this party was. You really should come along to one, sometime. Have some actual fun.”

This isn’t the first time Tony had tried persuading you into attending one of his dumb parties. Or even wanted to drag you along to his football games under the guise of it being fun and ‘the college experience.’ There was even a time where he called you in the middle of the night and asked if you wanted to go get drinks with him. As if you hadn’t been cramming all night for an exam.

Frustrating and irresponsible. How Tony DiNozzo even got into this school, you’ll never understand. 

“Let’s just work, okay? The test is this Friday and I doubt you’re prepared.”

He shrugs and, shockingly, doesn’t argue. And for the next hour or so, you talk him through his half-finished homework. But this was probably the most frustrating aspect about tutoring Tony - he wasn’t stupid. Not by a long shot. He understood the work and actually got the questions right, if he tried. He could easily pass the class on his own. 

Yet, you’re left tutoring him.

Once the homework is done, Tony slams his book shut with a smug smile. “Alright, Teach, I’m done. Am I free to go?”

You shake your head and bend over to reach for something in your backpack. “Not yet,” you answer him. “I went by Professor Gibbs’ office yesterday and picked something up that will help you on the test.”

Taking out a small packet of papers, you place it in front of Tony. He studies it, eyebrows furrowed together, until you speak up. “It’s a practice test for the exam. I was thinking you could take it, I’ll grade it, and we’ll see what you need to work on.”

Immediately, Tony lets out a loud groan - much too loud for a library, but really, you two were so far removed from everybody else that you doubt anybody even heard. Still, you glance around at the dusty bookshelves before roughly shoving Tony’s shoulder. “Don’t be a baby! I’m trying to help you pass this fucking class. Do I have to remind you that if you fail, you don’t get to play football? I’m doing you a favor by tutoring you - the least you can do is try.”

The rant just spilled out without anything to keep it back. Maybe Tony’s antics had slowly chipped away at your patience. 

And for once, he was quiet. Tony blinks his surprise at your tone, his gaze drops, and then he nods. “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry, I’ll do the test.” Resigned, he pulls the packet closer and starts working. Really working.

You’re left in shock that you just won so easily. Usually, Tony attempts to shrug you off, or he changes the subject, or just tries to flirt his way out. Seeing him actually working - trying - is a strange sight to see.

As the minutes tick by, you try to keep yourself busy as Tony works. Go on your phone, do some reading, go to the bathroom. But in the end, your focus just keeps shifting back to Tony - his eyes sharp with focus, and the furrow of his brow showcases just how much he’s paying attention to the practice test. 

But it’s not all you notice.

And….alright, you aren’t blind. You’re well aware that Tony looks good; how else does he get so many dates? You notice the way his jaw clenches tight. Every once in a while, he takes a deep breath and his whole body moves and you’re reminded of just how big his shoulders are. He must be one hell of a football player - not that you’d know. You’ve never gone to his games.

He’s got a cute nose, as well. Not that you’d ever tell him that.

And suddenly, before you could realize you were staring, Tony’s eyes meet yours. Flustered, you look away - but even out of the corner of your eye, his smirk is visible. “I’m done,” he says, handing over the packet. 

But as you go to take it, Tony pulls it just out of your reach. So you look back to him, and he’s watching you in that annoying Tony DiNozzo way. Like he’s finally figured you out. “I want a wager, though,” he continues.

“A wager,” you repeat.

“Yup. If I pass, I get to kiss you. Is that a deal?”

Kiss?

The word barely makes sense to you, right now. You’re left blinking and scoffing - a buffer to try to make sense of Tony’s words until finally, you can come up with actual words to say. “What if you failed?” Oh yes, brilliant; act like you’re going to go along with his stupid wager. That’s what you want. 

Tony’s smirk widens. “If I failed, I’ll walk back to my dorm in my underwear,” he announces. “Either way, you win.”

You ignore the sudden onslaught of butterflies and yank the packet out of his hands. “Fine. Deal. Maybe if I’m lucky, it'll be raining when we leave.”

Tony simply hums, unbothered by your insinuation that he’ll lose. And as you start grading the practice test, you can feel his eyes on you. It’s hard to focus and with a rush of heat, you realize that he must’ve felt you staring at him before. And your staring had been a complete accident - Tony is purposefully watching you. And you just pray that he doesn’t notice the new flush of your skin.

Instead, you force yourself to focus on Tony’s test. Something easier for you to understand.

7) When did the Minoan Civilization end?

Tony’s answer: The Bronze Age Collapse. 

Okay, that one is correct. Fair enough, it’s not even that hard of a question. Next one:

8) The City of Rome was founded in:

Okay, he’s got to get this one wrong. In all the time you’ve been tutoring Tony, there was one kind of date you knew he was terrible with, and it was the historical kind. 

His answer: 753 BC. 

Damn.

And it just kept going on like that. More correct answers than incorrect. Even when you finished grading his test, you didn’t want to look up and face him and admit that he totally passed the practice exam with flying colors. That would also mean confessing that he won his stupid little wager.

“How’d I do?” He eventually asks. And his voice is low; very different from his annoyingly loud and boisterous self that you can’t help but look up. 

He’s watching you carefully, like you have his undivided attention. It’s a little unnerving, but at the same time, maybe a little exhilarating. And you don’t even have the mind to wonder why.

And it takes a moment to remember how to speak. “You passed,” you tell him, matching his soft tone. Perhaps if Tony were acting normal, you would’ve added on a teasing comment. Something about him getting a good score against all the odds, or maybe comparing him to the second coming of Albert Einstein. Then Tony would say something equally stupid and he’d leave because he has his precious football practice. 

None of that happens - this is uncharted territory.

He hums again, slow and purposeful, as if he’s thinking. And you notice him lean over just a little, on the very outskirts of what’s considered your own personal space. You catch a whiff of his scent and almost catch yourself leaning away from him.

Is this why Tony is so popular? Because he has his own gravitational pull? That must be it. 

“Looks like I won the wager,” he says with a smirk pulling on his lips. “I believe you owe me a kiss.”

His words make you hesitate. Was he serious? Tony DiNozzo: football star, annoying heart throb, everybody’s friend….actually wanted to kiss you? It has to be some kind of dumb joke. A sick prank. Something to tell his friends later on that he scammed you into kissing him and all he had to do was stop playing dumb.

Immediately, it becomes easier to lean away from Tony. To break out of the spell that his eyes had somehow cast onto you. His expression changes, but you ignore it. “Did you plan this?”

“Plan what?”

“Making a stupid bet to get me to kiss you. It’s a joke, isn’t it? A prank that you and your dumb football buddies thought up? Well, it’s not very damn funny.”

You don’t even attempt to hide the anger in your voice. Tony’s eyebrows furrow together, looking confused but you ignore him to start hurriedly gathering your stuff up. You’ll just have to go to Professor Gibbs tomorrow and ask him to assign a new tutor for Tony - if he even needs one. Seems like he can manage himself just fine.

You’re stuffing a textbook into your bag while Tony juggles with his words. “What? Hey- hold on, it’s wasn’t a joke or anything-”

“Right. And you just want me to kiss you.”

“What if I do?”

Immediately, your eyes whip back around to face Tony. The way he straightens up does offer a tiny bit of satisfaction, admittedly. “You don’t, Tony. And that’s fine, I don’t really care. I’m sure you can find someone else to kiss if you really wanted to,” you tell him blatantly. 

“I know I can,” fucking typical, “but I want it to be you.”

Slowly, you cease packing up your things. The next time you look at Tony, you really look at him. He looks serious enough; though, you’re not even sure if you’ve ever seen a serious Tony DiNozzo. But you reckon this might be it. And if he’s being serious, maybe he’s being honest.

“Did you even really need a tutor?”

He shrugs, and a smirk falls on his lips. Not condescending, but almost like your question amused him. You’re not sure which is worse. “Maybe not. But hey, you make history a whole lot more interesting,” he answers, voice smooth and sounding like the regular Tony that you know.

It makes you scoff lightly. Eyes breaking away, but he tilts his head to keep the contact. “Listen, you don’t have to kiss me if you don’t want to. But I think you do. And I know I want to, so…”

You finally stop and think about things. The way he lured you into tutoring him was very....clever, in a way. Putting himself in your domain instead of dragging you kicking and screaming into his. Tony is definitely a lot smarter than he lets on, and it leaves you wondering how the hell you let him get the edge on you, like this. 

But he was also right - you did want to kiss him. Desperately. And you didn’t even really know it until just now. Looking at him, your eyes drop down to his smirking lips. And as he starts to lean in closer, you don’t pull away like last time. Once again, you’re caught up in his gravity. Being pulled in helplessly, as if he’s a massive blackhole in the middle of your solar system.

Tony’s close now, so you fight to grab onto any sense of logical thought. “Tony,” you murmur out his name. He hums in response. “I don’t wanna turn out like all your other dates. You show ‘em a good time, and then never call them again.” You watch his eyes flicker up in surprise. “I know about all that.”

He hesitates, and then huffs in amusement. “‘Course I’ll call you. Gonna need help on that final exam, aren’t I?”

Another dumb joke, but you’re not too focused on dissecting the implications of his words. He’s so close, you can smell his cologne. It’s a little strong but also dizzying and once his warm breath wafts over your lips, you can’t help but let your eyes fall shut. A silent invitation that Tony gladly accepts.

His lips are warm and wet against yours, and they feel like fireworks. 

Yes, the thought of Tony’s many dates and flings had made you a little wary. But right now, you’re thankful for each and every one of them. The way Tony kisses...it just melts the world away. No more dusty bookshelves or crappy library lights. No hushed laughter from a group of girls that you’ve been hearing for the past hour. This corner of the library is a tiny world that only you and Tony inhabit, if for a short time.

He’s steadily stoking a fire in your stomach, even if he doesn’t know it. It gets stronger when Tony hums against your lips and raises a hand to fit along your cheek - his palm is big and warm and the feel of it nearly makes you shiver. 

And then Tony laughs, and you wonder if you really did shiver.

But the detour was brief - he goes right back to kissing you good. Sucking on your bottom lip for a moment, stops, and then waits for you to want more from him. You don’t even know when your fingers found their way into his hair, but Tony groans a bit. The sound of him goes straight to the pit of your gut.

His lips are relentless. Barely giving you a chance to breathe and by the time you notice his hand has vanished from your cheek, your lungs are aching slightly. And before you can wonder too much, the hand is suddenly on your thigh.

The touch was unexpected. Shocking, even, but definitely not unpleasant. His hand is large and strong and when he squeezes the flesh of your thigh, you can’t help but moan just a little against Tony’s mouth. The moan, of course, was completely accidental and it sends a hot wave up into your face because you know he heard that. 

But he seemed to like it. Tony’s grinning, and his hand squeezes your thigh again. Maybe it wasn’t all too embarrassing. “I like the way you sound,” he rumbles out. When he comes in to kiss you again, his hands slowly slides up. Just an inch, but it feels like a mile and you’re trying really hard not to start writhing under his touch. “Like the way you taste, too.”

Fuck, he can’t be talking right now. Not when his kisses and his touches are already doing so much to turn your body into putty in his hands. Everything’s hot and burning when he moves his fingers up another half-inch, dangerously close to the sensitive part of your inner thigh. 

By now, you’re nearly panting. Fingers gripping Tony’s forearm so tight, you’re surprised it hasn’t hurt him. What’s worse, you don’t even know why you’re holding onto him or what you want him to do: stop, or keep going. Evidently, Tony’s in the same boat. Because he leans in real close, his breath wafting over your ear. “What’re you thinking? Wanna see how quiet you can be?” He asks, voice lowered to a harsh whisper.

You force your brain to start working, and you try to decide. You really, really try. But the choice is stolen from you.

“Hey, this is a library. Get some space between you two!”

Of fucking course the librarian picks this time to come around to this desolate little corner.

Instantly, you shove Tony away, eyes dropping away from him and the librarian. “Sorry,” Tony says, not sounding particularly apologetic. Eventually, the librarian walks off. And his entire focus is back on you. And for a moment, you wonder if he's about to start up where he left off. Or maybe ask if you’d want to go back to his dorm. You don’t even know what your answer would be - yes? No? Can you have both at once? 

“Tony-”

“I got practice,” he cuts in. His smile is back as he leans in for another quick kiss. But Tony doesn’t back away too fast. He stays, and when he speaks, his breath is on your lips once again - something so small, but already so addicting. “You really should come to one of my parties sometime. I think you’d have a lot of fun.”

With that, he straightens up, picks his backpack off the ground, and walks off. Once he’s disappeared behind the bookshelves, you’re left alone at the table. Surrounded by books and papers and still finding it hard to breathe.

Were you still going to ask Professor Gibbs for a new tutor? Maybe not.

Was your decision entirely influenced by Tony and his lips and the warm imprint of his hand on your thigh? It’s possible.

But as you continue to gather up your supplies - hands shaky and legs a little wobbly - you can’t stop thinking about what might have happened if the librarian hadn’t walked up when he did.

[fallenhero-rebirth]

Brain update

First, let me say that this isn't about what anybody has done. My reactions are not in proportion to anything that has happened, and might be considered odd, weird and sensitive to people involved.

So let me explain.

I'm an Aspie (what we call ourselves in Sweden), on the autism spectrum. Yeah, might have guessed that from the story I'm writing, Sidestep is not the only one trying to figure out how people work.

Over the years I have built up an arsenal of knowledge and analysis to be able to pretend to be neurotypical, something that I can manage alright most days, but which breaks down once you get to know me better. I'm open with this at my current job, and luckily both my bosses seem to be okay dealing with open communication and just telling me what I need to do.

It was not always like this, and that is one of the reasons why I had a breakdown and needed to get off discord/tumblr.

Back in the late nineties, I had finally got my dream job. I was a product developer in the food industry, part of a rather small department of middle-class academics. I was the new hire, everyone else had worked there for years, and things were going well. Or so I assumed. I got cool projects, got along well with one of the sales people, and well, my boss was weird but bosses always are.

Three years later. Our parent company wanted to sell us off, everyone was starting to get worried about their job. We tried to expand into things were weren't equipped to do (you don't bring spices into a fruit jam line, will be hell to clean) and while I did the projects, I also raised an (in retrospect) too big stink about the fact that we were wasting time developing things we couldn't produce without expanding. My boss (who I had learned was a devout christian) started to get really weird, I got called in and he wondered if I was a member of a cult (I was often wearing a headscarf at the time because pressure on my head is good for stress relief). I also got told off for wearing army boots to work (we had lab shoes in the lab), because (I kid you not) if we had danish visitors to the lab (we didn't have visitors) they could be offended since they had once been occupied by Nazis. Yes, at the time I was an Antifa metalhead/satanist, it was a very volatile time in sweden and nazis were everywhere. Now they're a political party, go figure.

It all came to a head when I was confronted with a folder one of the secretaries of the department had where she had written down every odd and strange thing that I did, and there were a lot of accusations of things I quite frankly blocked out. Around this time I was suffering from bad burnout, had memory loss, my hair was falling out and I lost two bikes because I forgot where I parked them. All because of workplace hostility.

So for the first time ever, I went to the company doctor, who immediately sent me on a one month sick leave, and gave a reference to a therapist. When I went and told my boss, his reaction was "It can't be anything at work," in a dismissive tone. I wrote my resignation right then and there, left the building, snuck back a Saturday to clean out my stuff so I didn't have to meet anyone. Luckily I was backed up by my union, so I got unemployment despite quitting, and the therapist helped me get back on my feet and hook me up with some antidepressants.

Still, I was a wreck for years.

At the time, I had NO idea I was an Aspie. It weren't talked about, the only thing I knew about Autism, was from the various portrayals in movies, and well, in the nineties you can guess. Rainman pretty much was it.

What destroyed me the most was not that people disliked me, I didn't like them either, we didn't have anything in common, and middle-class people always scared me. No, what broke me was the fact that my system failed.

See, I had built up myself over ten years into someone I wanted to be. Smart. Capable. Metalhead. Researcher. Activist. I thought I knew the rules. How to interact.

It turned out I knew nothing. People had been talking behind my back for years, and I didn't know. Getting annoyed by my ticks, and I had no idea. Nobody ever brought anything up to my face until it exploded one day out of the blue. This is why I have ranted about anons on this tumblr. This is why I have been so openly against passive aggressive posts and bullying, especially the anonymous kind, because it destroys people and I don't think the people who does it knows the impact they can have. I hope they don't.

I have never gone back to the lab. I can't. I'm having heart palpitations just thinking about it when I'm writing this. I retrained. Became a machinist. Back to the working class I came from. Eventually started writing.

And this is exactly what these last months have felt like.

I thought I understood things. I was pretty open with being old, an Aspie, not understanding memes, or humor, or tik tok, or certain aspects of people's behavior like jealousy, but the problem with joking about this is that it's so easy to take as just a joke. That I'm just making fun of myself (oh it's that too). I got advice from some of you, which I ignored, because I thought that I could be different. That there was no danger in getting close. That I could be just another voice in the crowd. An occasionally evil avocado. That this couldn't blow up in my face, that everything was cool.

And then it did. And I was wrong. And the talking started, and things were coming out that I had no idea that was going on. That I was being held responsible for. Opinions that were spoken in my name. Events I was supposed to have been aware of and supported. All of a sudden I was omniscient, aware of the true passive aggressive meaning of every reblog, aware of every post in every room in the discord I wasn't even running. Wasn't even a mod on. All of a sudden I had power, and I had used it to hurt people. The people I cared about. Everything I wrote was taken in the worst possible way, twisted into things I never meant, and the more I tried to talk to people, the worse it went.

Look. I know this was at heart a war between people that just doesn't like each other and the things they do/the ways they behave. I'm still not entirely sure who's been involved, and I'm not interested in finding out. I tried to build a supportive space, reblog everyone's art and fics, encourage people to make their own things, get a kofi, get some money, make some friends.

And herein lies my problem.

I thought I understood how to be, and now I don't. I have no idea who hates my guts and who doesn't (well, except some who has very vocally let me know). I can't trust anything. I can't trust anyone. And it sucks. Someone I trusted stabbed be in the back because they were convinced I stabbed them in the back and that sucks more than I can describe. Every time I make a comment on AO3 or twitter it's after psyching myself up for half an hour, and I'm usually a wreck afterwards, because my brain doesn't know if they hate me too, and if I am imposing on them and making their day bad.

So yeah. I need to figure out how to be. How not to have a nausea attack every time I accidentally click open tumblr from pure reflex, looking away from the screen just not to see how may messages I have.

I never wanted to be the aloof author, but maybe I have to be. The question is if I can. I have been told I can't comment on pics or fics, because then I have favorites. And that makes people jealous. And it makes people think I take sides. I have been told I can't be on the discord, because then I will be held responsible for what the mods do there, and everything that's said even when I'm not around. I should apparently have someone manage the tumblr, it's not something that I, an author should do.

I now understand the authors who just stay away and remain distant, because people give themselves the power to write the narrative for you.

Part of me wants to tell people what I've told my current bosses, don't assume, just talk to me. I don't pick up/do passive aggression, I don't understand hints, I have trouble with nuance, I don't listen to gossip, I don't interact enough to know anything that's going on. Just ask before assuming.

Except that right now I can't. I can't talk about any of this. It's too close. It sets me off. It's getting better, sure, I'm on medication again, but the smallest thing still can ruin my entire day. I have no idea how long it will take me to recover and come back to some semblance of normality. I'm not posting this myself (my partner does). Writing is going well, because it lets me not be myself. I need those walls again. The therapy of writing about pain.

I'll rebuild them. I'm not entirely sure who I'll be on the other end of it. We'll see.

I have consciously not spoken about any details because those could be misunderstood, this is not a passive aggressive callout to anybody. I have no hard feelings towards anyone, I am not angry or upset, just confused and sad. I am truly so very, very, very sorry that I've hurt people, both by action and inaction. It was never my intention. I will do my best to do better in the future.

Still working on how to do that.

[the-irrelevant-trumpeter]

My Ranking of StarKid shows

Okay, so I haven’t posted any original content for a while, so I’m gonna do some ranking. Note: I don’t dislike any of the shows, they’re all amazing and just because a show is low on my list doesn’t mean I don’t like it. 

Also, spoiler warning for all of them (duh)

So here we gooooo

12) Holy Musical B@man

I don’t know, to be honest... the humour just didn’t click with me as much as the other shows did. I’ve never seen or read any Batman or DC stuff, so that doesn’t help, but it just really didn’t stick out to me. However, it’s still amazing. The soundtrack is great (Rogues are We is my 3rd favourite StarKid song), Brian Holden as Superman is iconic, and it was overall very sweet and fun. 

11) Me and My Dick

This is mostly because I don’t like sex, but the other parts are really sweet! Joey/Sally is such an underrated ship (so is Tiffanessa... yeah I’m still thinking about them...) and it had a lot of good songs and funny scenes (AJ as Joey’s Heart was the best thing ever). It was made in 2009, so some of the jokes are outdated, but the good parts are great. 

10) A Very Potter Senior Year

This is mainly so low because of some personal reasons (that I’m not going to go into). But it was really sweet and made me cry, had some great songs (looking at you Sidekick...) and was amazing when you take into account that they barely had any rehearsal time. 

9) Ani: A Parody

I’m actually really sad about putting this so low. Ani is so good and is severely underrated. Chris Allen was amazing, and JJ’s death was, in my opinion, one of the saddest deaths in a StarKid musical. My only criticism is Tarkin and Emily’s relationship, which has got to be one of my least favourite ships, but it did provide some funny moments, and Joe and Julia were amazing. Nick’s Obi-Wan was hilarious. Also, the music slaps and anyone who says it isn’t a real musical because the cast doesn’t sing can fight me, because Clark and Pierce went too hard for us to say that it doesn’t count. Also, despite what a lot of people say, I have watched like 2 Star Wars movies and still understood most of the jokes. They actually did a really good job of making it funny for everyone, and the point of most of the jokes were that you didn’t have to understand them. I think that if I hadn’t seen or read Harry Potter, or watched Aladdin or Disney, I would have enjoyed Ani more than the AVP Trilogy and Twisted. 

Wow, went on a rant there. Okay...

8) Twisted

This is going to be unpopularly low... I do love it, I just don’t vibe with it as much. It was really great, it was constantly making me laugh, the soundtrack was amazing, and I loved how it kind of had a moral to the story. I just don’t really care, y’know. It was great, but just didn’t capture my attention like some of them. I don’t really have any more to say on it. 

7) A Very Potter Musical

Ah, the OG musical. AVPM has so much nostalgic value. I think it really holds a special place in all of our hearts. It was the first StarKid musical I watched, and I just have a lot of fond memories from it. Actual quality wise, it’s probably not as good as a lot of them, but it’s what started this whole thing, and it’s gotta go up higher. 

6) Black Friday

I’ve seen a lot of dislike for this one, which I think isn’t really fair? My only real criticism is that it’s very busy and has got a lot going on, but so do a lot of the others. I think it has one of the strongest soundtracks, Jeff did an amazing job. All of the cast was great, and the filming was outstanding. I think a lot of people don’t like it because it was the most serious, but honestly, I like that StarKid is trying something new (AND it still had so many funny moments as well). Yeah, I just think it is amazing. 

5) A Very Potter Sequel

In my opinion, this is definitely the best of the AVP Trilogy. It was the funniest for me, had the best soundtrack (Days of Summer, The Coolest Girl, Harry Freakin’ Potter, I could keep on going for ages). Obviously there’s the problem with the portrayal of Umbridge. I’m not the best with words, so I won’t go into it, but a lot of other people have put it really well. But apart from that, it’s really great. 

Okay, the next two are basically tied. I usually choose them based on which one I’m vibing with at the moment, but just consider them the same. 

4) Firebringer

I’ll admit, I originally didn’t like this one, but then I rewatched it and was amazed that I’d slept on it for so long. It’s very funny, the soundtrack is amazing, the choreography is amazing (thank you Denise Donovan), and let’s not forget, THE COSTUMES. HAVE YOU SEEN HOW GREAT THE COSTUMES ARE. JUNE SAITO IS A QUEEN. Anyway, yeah, it’s really well written, and i super sweet and fun to watch (also Jazzalil was not rushed and I can and will write a whole essay on it). 

3) Trail to Oregon

I just love how dumb it is. It’s so silly and immature, and it’s great to watch. It is, in my opinion, the funniest StarKid show. It has the perfect small ensemble cast (also let’s take a moment to appreciate Joey Richter. Thank you, you may continue) and it has CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT! WE LOVE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT! The music is amazing (even You Gotta Go, which everyone seems to hate because of the fart noises). I just love it heaps. Also, it has my ALL TIME FAVOURITE STARKID SONG EVER! WAGON ON FIRE ROCKS! 

2) Starship

I feel like most people assume this is my favourite because of my username, which is valid and I can understand why. Starship is my comfort musical. It’s my emotional support musical. It’s just... so cute? It’s silly and a bit of fun, and is just kind of a feel-good show. I don’t mind how busy it is, it keeps me entertained all the way through and makes me want to come back and watch it again. It is also the home of my OTP (Tootsie/Megagirl is the cutest thing ever and I will die with that opinion). It also has some of the best characters. Also, in my opinion, it has the best soundtrack, despite only having 10 songs - it’s got 2 songs in my Top 5 (The Way I Do at no. 2 and Kick it up a Notch at no. 4), and there’s not a single song I dislike. The puppets were freaking amazing! I just love it A LOT and I think all of the StarKid’s are really sleeping on it (looking at you Nick...)

1) The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals

Yes, I know, I’m very boring and stereotypical. I’m sorry I couldn’t have a more interesting opinion. 

I really don’t think there’s much denying that TGWDLM has the best plot/storyline. It gives me big Dr. Who vibes, which I love. I’m usually not a big fan of horror, but this was the perfect mix of seriousness and comedy. It’s very engaging and keeps you wondering what happens next. I’ll admit, I’m a sucker for angsty endings, which TGWDLM definitely provides. I just really love sci-fi stuff. It has a really strong soundtrack, top notch dancing, and was just overall the best StarKid show. 

So yeah, that’s my ranking. Tell me what you thought! I’ll probably do some song rankings for each show. Also don’t be too angry at me please. 

[hopesilverheart]

Title: I loved your colours (before I loved you) Artist: @calliartss​ Rating: Explicit (Chapter 10 only) Pairings: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Alec Lightwood & Clary Fray, Clary Fray/Isabelle Lightwood Word Count: ~95k Summary: Magnus Bane is a journalist who's always dreamed of modelling for Lightwood Fashions. When the CEO Alec Lightwood starts looking for new models for their spring collection, he jumps on the occasion.

In the meantime, Alec Lightwood is struggling with the idea of finally announcing his role as co-designer. When Magnus Bane strolls into his life, Alec is torn between keeping his secret or throwing all caution to the wind.

This fic was created for the Malec Discord Mini Bang 2020.

Chapter 6: He got my heartbeat skipping

It was just a date.

Alec had been on dates before, and they had gone – for the most part – completely fine, so there was no reason for this one to be any different. Sure, Magnus Bane was way out of his league and far prettier than anyone he had ever met, and he was probably going to be thoroughly disappointed when he found out Alec cried during rom-coms, but still… Just a date.

Alec’s first date in years. Not that it was any reason to freak out, since everything was going to be perfectly alright.

(Clary had made him repeat those exact words at least fifty times before she let him out of the apartment, but even her little exercise hadn’t been enough to make him feel better about the upcoming evening.)

It wasn’t like they were going to do anything fancy. Dinner and a movie sounded like the perfect first date, but Alec was nothing if not a worrier. He liked being in control, and he couldn’t help but fear that Magnus would choose a movie he disliked, or stumble upon the very few things Alec was allergic to, or accidentally talk about the few things Alec tended to avoid.

As he stood in front of Magnus’ building, holding a bottle of wine in one hand a pathetic bouquet in the other, he wondered if he would have been better off saying no. Sure, he would have missed out on the chance to go out with Magnus Bane, but at least he wouldn’t be risking complete and utter embarrassment with said man.

“Are you going to stay out here all evening?”

Alec’s head snapped up and his cheeks flushed a dark red as he took in Magnus’ silhouette, leaning against his building’s front door, a beautiful smirk adorning his lips. Because of course his date had noticed him lurking outside like the weirdest human being in the world.

“I’m sorry, I’m just-” Nervous, anxious, afraid, uncertain. “I wasn’t sure whether I was supposed to ring the bell or give you a call, and then I got caught up in my thoughts, and… Yeah, sorry.”

“It’s quite alright,” Magnus chuckled, taking a step forward and extending his hand out to Alec invitingly. “I do have dinner waiting for us in my loft, though, so if you’re hungry to get going…”

“Absolutely,” Alec said, clearing his throat when his voice broke on the word. “We should do that. Sorry again, I’m usually not- Well actually, that’s a lie. I’m always a bit of a mess around beautiful men, and can I just say you look particularly handsome tonight? I suddenly feel completely underdressed.”

In his black slacks and dark blue, slightly shimmery shirt, Alec felt like he was no match to Magnus’ reds and golds and sparkly make-up. The man was a beacon of light, and Alec felt like his breath had been stolen away from him when he stepped into the building and was assaulted by the glory that was Magnus Bane in proper lighting.

“Nonsense,” Magnus huffed, looking Alec up and down appreciatively. “You picked a gorgeous outfit for an even prettier man. Is the shirt one of Clary’s designs?”

“Yeah,” Alec smiled softly. “She gave it to me for my birthday last year, and I never really found the right time to wear it until now, but it’s absolutely wonderful. Of course, she had her partner to help her out, but she’s the one who did most of the work and I couldn’t be prouder of her.”

“Hmm, the two of you are quite close,” Magnus hummed, pressing the button to the penthouse level before turning back towards Alec, a curious look in his eyes. “I have to say I never quite understood why you decided to hire her before she was even done with college. I’m not saying it was a bad choice, because she’s clearly one of the most talented designers in the country if not the world, but it’s still an interesting business decision.”

“Perks of owning your own business,” Alec shrugged. “There was never a doubt in my mind that Clary would be our main designer. She had the talent, the desire to succeed, and the fresh pair of eyes the company so desperately needed. When she first joined us, Lightwood Fashions was still overrun by white men who didn’t have the slightest idea how to follow trends, but she did a wonderful job at keeping her cool and bringing her collections together.”

“And her partner?” Magnus asked, a hopeful glint entering his eyes. Alec shifted uncomfortably, because of course Magnus had managed to stumble upon one of the very few things Alec didn’t want to bring up during their date. “I know their identity is a secret, but can I just ask if they started working at the same time?”

“That would already be giving you more information than they’re comfortable with sharing,” Alec answered as patiently as he could. The last thing he wanted to do was snap at Magnus, but he had never liked people who asked him about Clary’s secret partner, completely disregarding the secret part of his title.

“I’m sorry,” Magnus winced. “My friends already told me that I should stop sticking my nose in other people’s business, but I just really love her partner’s work. Their talent with colours is really something else, and I would love to talk to them about everything they’ve achieved. I’m particularly excited about the spring collection, since it seems this is going to be a little bit different? I’m not sure how much you know about the collection as the CEO, but…”

“We’re hoping it’ll be the company’s biggest success yet,” Alec cut in with a small, satisfied smile. As much as he hated talking about his position within Lightwood Fashions – for obvious reasons – he had never been one to turn down a nice conversation about fashion and colour theory. “Our lovely designers are coming up with something completely different, and the collection should hopefully be ready by the first photo shoot, so you won’t have to wait too long.”

“You know, I always wondered if you had any interest in fashion,” Magnus admitted as they walked into his loft. “Obviously, you run a fashion business, but I know plenty of higher-ups who couldn’t care less about what goes on in the lower levels. You, on the other hand… You actually like all of this, don’t you?”

“Yeah, I really do,” Alec breathed out, looking around Magnus’ home with wide eyes. “This place is beautiful.”

So beautiful, in fact, he had to bite down on his bottom lip to stop himself from going on a rant about the perfect colour coordination of the loft. He knew that was one sure way to get his secret out to the public, and he really wasn’t ready to deal with all the backlash quite yet. Not that he thought Magnus would necessarily tell the whole world about Alec’s true identity, but…

Well, he had learned a long time ago that it was better to be safe than sorry.

“Thank you,” Magnus preened. “I hope you like salmon?”

Alec nodded, feeling better and better about the date as time passed. Magnus’ place was peaceful and welcoming, the man himself was obviously happy to spend time with Alec, and the food smelled wonderful. Sure, the conversation had been a little bit stilted at first, but he was sure they would manage to work that out in their own time.

Indeed, by the time both of them sat down for dinner, their plates balanced precariously on their knees as they turned the TV on, Alec was feeling more relaxed than he had ever since Magnus had asked him out.

“I can’t believe you’re willing to risk this couch’s cleanliness just to get the movie started as quickly as possible,” Alec shook his head. “At least tell me you’ve already got one lined up and ready to go, because I’m not sure I’m ready to argue about movie choices with you quite yet.”

“Rightly so, since you would lose,” Magnus smirked wickedly, pressing play and grinning when the first scene of Clueless popped up on the screen. “After all, my taste in movies is impeccable. Just give me a genre, and I can come up with an itemised list of at least twenty titles.”

“Oh really?” Alec raised his eyebrows disbelievingly. “You know, you might have to go up against my future brother-in-law if you’re feeling so confident about your cinematic abilities. Clueless may be a solid choice, but Simon is a monster when it comes to movies, so…”

“Simon Lewis?” Magnus snorted. “I went out with him yesterday, and I can promise you I have better taste than him. Even if he has solid knowledge on fantasies, sci-fis, and maybe even horror movies, do you really think he could pull out rom-com classics like I can?”

“Maybe not,” Alec admitted, because Simon had never been big on romance movies – for reasons he truly couldn’t comprehend. “But between the two of us, we could probably come up with a list that would completely trump yours.”

“How about this, then?” Magnus smiled crookedly, never taking his eyes off the movie. “Next time we go on a movie date, you get to pick all the movies, so we can see if your taste is truly as good as you make it out to be.”

Alec’s heart sped up at the mention of a second date – and maybe even more than that – but he nodded dutifully, hoping he didn’t look half as red as he felt. It wasn’t like he hadn’t thought about going out with Magnus again, but to hear it from the man himself… It made him feel both flustered and horribly unprepared all at once. What if he was making a mistake by putting him back on the dating scene? What if Magnus just wanted something semi-serious and just wanted some arm candy who also happened to be rich? What if it was all a-

“Isabelle told me you would overthinking everything, but I hadn’t realised how serious she was,” Magnus murmured, winking at the other man flirtily when Alec narrowed his eyes at him. “You know there are no expectations here, right? We barely know each other outside of work, and you don’t have to agree to a second date if you don’t want to. I just think we could have something nice if we tried.”

He sounded distinctively honest, and Alec suddenly realised that this wasn’t just a date. Or it was, but it could be more. He had no idea what Magnus’ dating life had been before the two of them had met, but his end of things had been pretty dry. He hadn’t dated anyone in years, and this… This thing with Magnus was the first real excitement he had felt in a very long time.

And Magnus was right; they barely knew each other. They had a vague idea of who the other was, and the attraction between them was quite obvious, but if they were to date, they would be doing it the old-fashioned way. Magnus would probably woo him seriously, and Alec would get to do the same thing right back, and he would finally get to live through the love story he had always dreamed of having.

“My favourite colour is gold,” he blurted out before he could think about his words. He blushed furiously at Magnus’ surprised look, wondering if he had completely ruined the mood, but then Magnus turned away from Cher to stare at Alec with a small smile, and he thought maybe he had done something right. “And I’m more of a cat person than a dog one.”

“Oh, thank god,” Magnus laughed. “Because I have a cat, and I don’t think I could have taken you out again if you had told me you hated them. And my favourite colour is blue, just so you know. Maybe you could give Clary a bit of a hint, try to get her to put me in some navies and skies and royals?”

He looked so hopeful, and Alec’s mind immediately started working in overdrive. He had been planning on adding more colours to the mix anyways, so why not substitute the reds he had had in mind for some blues, maybe complemented by some purples on the women’s side of things? And if he managed to mix a few gold and blue pieces together, it would almost be like Magnus was wearing-

“Or not? I completely understand if the designers want to deal with the collection on their own and don’t want to hear our input,” Magnus shrugged. “It was just a suggestion. Besides, I’m sure I’ll look wonderful no matter what your friends create.”

“I’m sure you will,” Alec agreed easily. “Now, what do you think about Cher’s fashion choices? And don’t think it escaped my notice that you chose a vaguely fashion-related movie as our first stop of the night. What’s coming up next? The Devil Wears Prada? Confessions of a shopaholic? Barbie and a Fashion Fairy tale?”

“Barbie and- what?” Magnus gaped at Alec, but the latter refused to back down from his list. “Why Alexander, you continue to surprise me.”

“In good ways, I hope,” Alec grinned. “I know Barbie isn’t exactly the greatest source of knowledge in the world, but she’s really helped me through some tough times, so Clary and I tend to watch at least one of her movies every month. Fashion Fairy Tale is by far one of our favourites, especially since it means we get to bicker about Barbie’s poor design choices.”

“You, Alexander Lightwood, banter over Barbie movies with one of the country’s leading fashion designers?” Magnus sounded incredulous, but Alec only shrugged at the other man’s shocked tone. He had stopped worrying about his strange quirks after his 25th birthday, especially since he had realised he didn’t want to fall in love with someone who couldn’t appreciate his slightly eclectic habits and hobbies. “And here I was thinking you were just another businessman who had no idea how to take care of his company outside of finances. But if you’re watching Fashion Fairy Tale on a monthly basis, you can’t be that bad.”

“A glowing review, I’m sure,” Alec smiled, relaxing into the sofa and trying to remember the last time he had felt so connected to someone who wasn’t a part of his family or on his team. “Maybe I should give an interview for the spring collection and mention my love for America’s most beloved doll. Do you think I would bring in even more customers?”

“I assure you that you already bring in plenty of customers just by looking like that,” Magnus said, licking his lips as he stared at the hand Alec had unconsciously placed on his date’s thigh. “Pretty faces do wonders for businesses, as I’m sure you know.”

“Oh, I know,” Alec said, deliberately staring straight at Magnus as he spoke, wanting to make it very clear who he was talking about.

Even as he spoke, Alec wondered what on earth had happened to him. He had never been shy, per say, especially not since he had started dealing with rich men and handsy women on a daily basis, but he had also never been quite as… brazen as he was when Magnus was around.

Maybe it was something about the man, or maybe Alec had just forgotten how to play coy after a few years lacking practice. Secretly, though, he hoped it had something to do with the connection he could all but see flaring up between them every time they spoke.

“You know, your sister told me that you’re quite reserved when it comes to dating,” Magnus drawled after a few moments of silence. “So now I’m wondering if she was just off her mark, or if I’m the exception to the rule. I came into this thinking I would have to be a lot more subtle than I’ve been so far.”

“I’m not really into subtlety,” Alec shrugged. “I mean, Izzy taught me how to play hard to get when we were both younger and more naïve, but I’ve never- I guess there’s a point in my life when I realised that playing shy and holding back affections wouldn’t get me anywhere. However, I think you have the right to know that I’m currently sweating because of how nervous I am.”

“Don’t worry,” Magnus chuckled. “I’m not much better. I haven’t dated in a while, and although I’ve always liked a bit of a chase, there's something… refreshing about you. The last thing I want to be doing so close to my thirties is playing mind games with my dates.”

“Chases have always been more of Izzy’s thing,” Alec smirked, thinking about the way his sister was all but begging Clary to ask her out with the amount of teasing and bantering she laid on the redhead.

“Ah yes, your sister and Clarissa,” Magnus grinned widely. “I have to say, they’re a rather… explosive pair. They came to see me the other day, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much sexual tension in a single room before. Have they been pining after each other for long?”

“Years,” Alec groaned.

The thing about Clary and Izzy was that they hated each other to the point of loving each other. At first, their relationship had been a disaster; they hadn’t been able to be within two feet of each other without throwing insults around, and Alec had dealt with many a migraine over the years.

And then, as time passed, the hatred and animosity had turned into something softer, something so close to love that Alec wondered how they hadn’t noticed it yet. Or more importantly, why they hadn’t done anything about it yet. Clary had come to terms with her crush on Izzy a long time ago, and Alec knew his sister wasn’t far behind, but the two of them could be extremely obtuse when they wanted to.

“I love them both to pieces, but I’m not sure how much longer I’m going to be able to stand this for,” Alec sighed. “They love each other, that much is clear, but I think they’re both worried about falling back into their old habits. Their relationship has been built mostly on fights and drunken compliments, so I’m not sure how smooth the transition between somewhat-friends and lovers would be.”

“They’d be perfect together, though,” Magnus said, his voice stuck somewhere between questioning and hopeful. “From what I’ve seen, at least. Did you know they teamed up with each other just to get me to ask you out?”

“Yeah, I know,” Alec snorted. “No offence, but most people don’t invite their dates over on the first night, so I already suspected that they had something to do with this evening. Not that I’m complaining, since this is- Well, I mean- It could be- I’m just very happy to be here. I’m not really the type to go out, so this night in is- was very thoughtful.”

Alec cursed himself for his inability to remain suave in the face of feelings, especially since he had been handling everything so well up until then. But there was something about the way Magnus brought up Clary and Izzy, almost with a hint of uncertainty – like he was afraid Alec would be angry at him for following their advice – that made Alec feel just a little bit vulnerable. It made him feel like whatever was happening between them mattered to Magnus just as much as it did to him, and he had never been the best at dealing with requited crushes.

“Nothing thoughtful about treating myself to one of my favourite movies whilst enjoying one of my favourite dishes,” Magnus assured him, but Alec could tell he was trying to suppress a pleased smile. “And if it so happens that I get to share all of it with a pretty boy who has ridiculously similar tastes to mine? Well, I’m certainly not going to complain.”

“Ah yes, this is all done out of selfishness, and has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that my sister and best friend told you all about my love for rom-coms and good food,” Alec hummed seriously, biting down on his lip to hold back a huff of laughter.

“Well, I wouldn’t say it had nothing to do with that,” Magnus grinned. “After all, I needed to make sure you would say yes to a second date so we could prove once and for all that my cinematic choices are better than yours.”

“And then maybe a third to show the rest of the world that we can go out and behave like regular people?” Alec suggested softly, blushing as Magnus’ gaze turned fond. “If that’s what you want, of course. You might decide that my movie lists are appalling and refuse to see me again.”

“I highly doubt that, Alexander,” Magnus murmured, his hand moving to rest on top of Alec’s, effectively lacing their fingers together. “Now, do you feel up to some Devil Wears Prada? Or would you rather I bring out the old Barbie DVDs I keep for my goddaughter?”

“Very funny,” Alec rolled his eyes. “Just go along with whatever plans you had in mind. And you have a goddaughter?”

Magnus nodded as he navigated through his Netflix and selected the Devil Wears Prada, starting the movie and immediately turning down the volume, angling his body towards Alec and crossing his legs on the couch.

“Madzie,” he answered, sounding completely endeared at the mere thought of her name. “She’s my best friend’s daughter and one of the best kids I’ve ever met, although I’ll admit I’m a little biased. Catarina adopted her a few years ago and she’s been the light of our life ever since, no matter how sappy that may sound. Work makes it hard for me to see her as often as I may want to, but I’m slowly figuring it out.”

“I’m sure you’re a wonderful godfather,” Alec smiled, thinking about Magnus playing with a little girl, carrying her on his shoulders and letting her paint his nails. The image was far too appealing considering that this was only their first date, but Alec had never been the most rational man out there. “And I’m certain she appreciates all the time you can give her. At least you’re trying to be there for her, which is more than can be said for some parents.”

The topic brushed dangerously close to home for Alec, but he had a feeling Magnus would know exactly what he was talking about without having to ask. It wasn’t like Robert Lightwood’s flaws were well-kept secrets. The whole world and their neighbour knew about his blatant homophobia, his racist remarks, and the abusive behaviour that had eventually cost him his company, and Alec knew Magnus would be smart enough to put two and two together.

“Thank you, darling,” Magnus said, squeezing Alec’s fingers gently. “You know, if things go well between the two of us, you might even get to meet her. I’m sure she would love you.”

The thought of getting to know Magnus’ family, of getting to know his goddaughter, had Alec’s heart fluttering like crazy. He felt like a teenager again, getting a crush on the first pretty boy who entered the room and finding himself unable to look away.

“I’m sure I would love her too,” he choked out instead of pouring all his feelings out to Magnus and truly making a fool of himself. “And I would love to get to know her, you know, if things- If we go on a second date, and then a third, and all of that. I mean, we’ll probably be busy with the collection and the shoots and all the other things you have to do for the Media Team and I have to do for the board, but… Yeah, maybe I could meet her.”

“It would only be fair for you to meet my best friend and the closest thing I have to family, since I’ve already had a few conversations with both Isabelle and Clarissa,” Magnus pointed out. “I keep getting all the details on you and your life and all the things you like, but you have not been afforded the same courtesy.”

“They’re your colleagues,” Alec chuckled. “It’s not like you could avoid them even if you wanted to. Once Izzy’s decided to make a friend, she never lets them go, and Clary is too overprotective to let me date someone without giving her approval first, so you’re going to be stuck with them for a while.”

“And I have a feeling I shouldn’t hurt you if I want to stay alive for a while longer,” Magnus laughed. “I mean this in the best possible way, but your sister is terrifying, and Clarissa gave me quite the lecture when I was a little too nosy with her and her partner’s work. You’ve got yourself quite the protectors.”

“It’s what family does,” Alec said simply. “We protect each other. Even when they do stupid things, I’m always there to pick up the pieces and make sure they’re alright, and I know they’d do the same for me. Although I’d like to think that I make a lot less mistakes than the two of them. I swear, trouble finds Clary wherever she goes, and Isabelle gets herself involved in the most bizarre situations. When things fall apart with them, I’m the one who has to get them out.”

“Bizarre situations?” Magnus asked, suddenly looking distinctly nervous. His eyes shifted back to the TV, and he gulped loudly as he waited for Alec to answer, which was both incredibly curious and not something Alec was willing to decipher at the moment. “Like what?”

“She and our other brother, Jace, are really close,” Alec started, thinking back on the craziest thing his siblings had ever done. There were a great many stories to choose from, but one had always stuck out to him. “And when we were teenagers, they used to sneak out all the time, thinking they were being stealthy. Of course, our mom always made me follow them to make sure they – mostly – stayed out of trouble, because she wanted to keep them safe without taking their freedom away. And one time, when they were seventeen, Izzy decided it would be a great idea to go to a party, drink a mysterious cocktail, and then go on a walk through Central Park.”

“Sounds like the beginning to either an awesome comedy movie, or a horror story,” Magnus said, relaxing slightly and pausing their movie to focus entirely on Alec. It was a heady feeling, having all of someone’s attention on Alec all at once, and he had to admit it was a lot nicer when Magnus was staring at him than when his parents were.

“I’d like to think it turned out to be a bit of both,” Alec sighed heavily, shaking his head at the memory of his siblings’ antics. “Izzy was especially drunk that night and, when she reached Central Park, she suddenly decided that she was too hot and proceeded to take her clothes off, stripping whilst Jace cheered her on from the side lines. I had never been more horrified by my siblings’ behaviour before, and I don’t think they’ve ever come close to scarring me the way they did that night again.”

“Did Jace…?” Magnus prompted, wheezing silently as Alec nodded solemnly, his lips pressed together in a thin line.

“Oh yeah,” Alec grimaced. “Except unlike Izzy, Jace has absolutely no boundaries. Where Izzy at least kept her underwear on, Jace threw his boxers off at the same time as his pants, leaving him butt naked in the middle of Times Square. And that was the night my siblings discovered that I followed them around every time they went on a night time adventure. Needless to say, they were grounded for a solid month after their little spectacle.”

“You told on them?” Magnus gasped, bringing his hands up to his chest as though Alec had personally wounded him. “Alexander, I never took you for a snitch! And here I was thinking you were the kind of older brother to cover for his brother and sister when they wanted to go on secret dates.”

“I was,” Alec huffed. “But even I had my limits. Izzy and Jace had scarred me, their naked bodies forever burned into my memory. So I told our mom about what had happened as payback. Other than that, I was actually a pretty cool older brother, when I wasn’t too busy reading or looking after our youngest sibling.”

“Of course you were a responsible older brother,” Magnus muttered. “Makes me wonder how you aren’t married with children by now, you know? How on earth has no one managed to win you over yet?”

“I just… Haven’t looked?” Alec shrugged. He had never really thought about it that way. Yes, he knew that there were plenty of people out there who wanted to take him out and get to know the infamous CEO of Lightwood Fashions, but he had never been interested in hooking up with strangers until he found the right one. “And it’s not like any of them came knocking at my front door or anything. My sister tells me I’m too intimidating, and Clary thinks I’m too closed off. Either way, it works in our favour, right?”

“Oh, absolutely,” Magnus grinned. “A believer might even go as far as to call it fate, especially given the way we ended up meeting.”

After that, it was all too easy to fall into a conversation about beliefs, fate and religion. Alec and Magnus’ views matched up most of the time, but it was still interesting to get someone else’s opinion on matters Alec rarely discussed with his family. Magnus was ridiculously well-versed in topics Alec knew next to nothing about, the designer found himself staring at Magnus with awe written all over his face. They had talked for hours on end, long after the sun had set.

By the time Alec checked his phone, five hours had passed, and he knew it was only a matter of time before Clary called him in a frenzy, wondering if something had gone wrong. As much as he hated putting an end to their date, he knew he had a lot of work to do the next day, and Clary would undoubtedly keep him up for three hours to get all the details about his date with Magnus.

“You have to go, don’t you?” Magnus smiled softly. “It’s getting late and we both have to be at the office rather early, so it’s probably a good idea.”

“Yeah,” Alec nodded, even though he really, really didn’t want to leave.

The beginning of their date had been slightly stilted, but then again he should have expected it, given how little he had known about Magnus and how little Magnus had known about him. Now though, after a few hours of talking, some light flirting and frankly just enjoying the other man’s company?

“Is it too soon to talk about an actual second date?” He blurted out quickly, not wanting to give himself the time to back out of it. “If you’re still interested, that is.”

“I’m very interested,” Magnus beamed. “I’ll stop by your office as soon as I have some free time so we can settle on a time and date. Hopefully we won’t get delayed by meetings or shoots or co-workers or anything of that sort.”

“That sounds perfect,” Alec said quietly, and he couldn’t remember the last time he had meant those words as much as he did right then.

He was smiling brightly when Magnus escorted him back out of the building and to his car. He was still smiling when the journalist pressed a soft kiss to his cheek, and he smiled all the way back home, up to his bedroom, and still when Clary called him for details.

And as he fell asleep, he was pretty sure he could still feel a smile curling at the corner of his lips.

[noot-noot-shoot]

Note: I don’t often write stories so my writing style might be not as good as others and there might be some grammatical and writing errors. I welcome and accepte all criticism but please be polite.

For my work, especially for the prompt destiny, I was inspired by Makoto Shinkais movie Your Name. Destiny always plays a big part in his movies and they are really beautiful in general. So if you should notice any similarities to Your Name please remember it was still my inspiration and I don’t want to steal any of his ideas.

Please also note that this will be a Human AU. So human names will be also used.

Otherwise I hope you enjoy it.

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Prompt: Destiny

Characters: Prussia, Canada, Spain, France

Other: Human AU, Human names used, POV

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Was it destiny?

Every now and then I wake up from a dream. A dream I had many times before. It’s a beautiful dream yet the melancholy lingers in me when I wake up from it. In the dream I wake up in a house that’s not my own. I would always look out the window and would always see the same scenery: A slightly clouded sky but I’m still able to see the blue beneath it. The sun is brightly shining and touching my face. When I listen closely I can hear the birds chirping. In the backround seemingly far away from where I am in this moment is a chain of mountains. An ocean of trees spreads from the mountains to the house I am in. As I still admire the scenery the door cracks open and in comes a male I never even saw once in my life. He has blond curly hair that is longer than my own completely white hair, pale skin that almost resembles snow yet it still has more colour than my own. On his nose he wears a pair of round glasses with black frames, his slender body is covered with a red shirt and a grey pair of trousers. He walks over to where I sit and sits down himself. This is the moment where I can see his kind violet eyes. Even though I don’t know where I am or who he is I feel deeply linked to him. Without even realizing it I smile at him. Maybe he feels the same way or maybe it’s just out of friendliness but he would always smile back at me with the warmest and sincerest smile I ever saw.Then everything becomes a blur and the next thing I know is that I lie in my bed. The beautiful stranger and the unknown place are gone. Only my memory holds a blured image of him.

I’m Gilbert Beilschmidt, 24 years old and living my best life. Or whatever someone would define as the best life. I have a stable job as a employee in a big and famous company, a small group of friends I would hang out with often and go drinking with on some weekends and a loving family consisting of my father and little brother. Even though I’m single I don’t feel lonely at all in. In fact I enjoy my life to the fullest. But this damn dream will one day drive me insane. Where is that place? Who is that person? These are questions I ask myself for a long time now. But there seems to be no answer for them. Once I asked my friends what the dream could mean and their answers were as stupid as ever. Antonio, one of my friends, started ranting about destiny and Francis, my other friend, just made the dumb comment that the boy from my dream is probably my true love. They were the most stupid and far fetched answers they have ever given me. Or so I thought.

It was the day I met him that changed everything.

It was a lazy day so I decided to go to a small coffee shop that was only a few blocks away. It looked really simplistic from the outside but was really comfortable and calming once you went inside. I must have went there well over a hundred times. When I opened the door time seemed to stop for a short moment. Behind the counter there he was. The boy with the blond curly hair, pale skin and violet eyes.The boy I have dreamed so many times about. With an equally shocked expression he was looking back at me. The shock only lasted a few seconds though and soon enough he gave me the warm and sincere smile he would always show to me in my dream. At this moment this weird feeling came back.The feeling of being deeply linked with him.

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It was the day I met him that changed everything.

It was a quiet day at the coffee shop I worked at. Not many customers came at this hour so it wasn’t as stressful as it usually would be. Even though I only worked there for a few days everyone accepted me and I could make some friends fast.

As the door opened on this one quiet day I turned around to greet the customer and for a split second time seemed to stop. This was him. This was the man that I saw in the dream I had every night. In this dream I would wake up in my own house and always would start to walk around. It would always end up with me going to my living room. When I opened the door to the living room he would be there. A man with messy hair and skin that looked like snow. He would wear a dark blue hoodie, a pair of black trousers and would always look out the window. When I entered the room he would look at me. I never saw him before in my life but I still had this strange feeling that I’m linked with him in someway. So I would walk over and sit next to him. He then would always give me that bright, energetic smile and before I knew it I was smiling back at him. But after that I would always wake up in my bed and this wave of deep sadness would come over me. Once I brought my dream up in a conversation with my brother but he dismissed it and just went on with ranting about something. I haven’t told anyone else about it. I didn’t want to tell my friends about it because I knew they would start talking about something like destiny or true love. I enjoy my life as a single. Sure a partner would be nice but I don’t mind being alone.

But everything changed because now he was standing right there. I must have had the same shocked expression as him but the shock wasn’t there for long. I couldn’t help but smile at him and he gave me the same bright and energetic smile as he would in my dream. Exactly in this moment this strange feeling of being linked with him came back.

I tried to say something to him but at that moment he too opened his mouth to say something. We stopped ourselfs from talking when we noticed we started talking at the exact same time. I think it was this in short span we both fully understood that we know each other.

From this day forward our lives weren’t lonely anymore.

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I spent almost every day with the boy I met in my dreams now. We got to know each other over the past four months. His name is Matthew Williams, he’s 19 years old and a college student. He has a brother and left his home country Canada to study here. I learned about his likes and dislikes and that Matthew had the same dream as me where we met over and over again.

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Since the day we met we almost spent every minute together. We learned much about the other. His name is Gilbert Beilschmidt, he’s 24 years old and works for a big company. He has a family that consists of his father and his little brother, he left Germany to work here and he too had this dream where we met.

He took me to many places here and even introduced me to his friends who were really nice. I wanted to return this kindness to him so I invited him to go eat dinner with me. The evening with him was the best time I had in the past years. We enjoyed our time together to the fullest. After dinner he walked me to my house. When we walked together a question crossed my mind. In my dreams I felt that connection to him. I just wanted to know if he felt something similar. As I tried to get my qustion out I just stumbled over my words. I was anxious that he might find it weird when I talked about something as bizarre as this. As stupid as it sounds I don’t want to lose him because I said something weird. But he seemed to understand what I meant. He told me he felt that same weird connection.

I don’t know what got into me at this moment but I was just so happy that I didn’t notice that Gilbert was looking rather worried at me. It wasn’t until he asked me if I was alright that I realized I was crying. But why was I crying? I don’t know. I just know that when I closed my eyes out of embarrassment to look away from him he hugged me. And before I had a chance to realize what was going on I could feel his lips on my own. I can’t describe the feelings that went through my whole body but this was probably the happiest moment of my life.

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I don’t know what thought went through my head when I kissed Matthew. And the regret set right in when our kiss broke off. What if he didn’t want this? What if he just runs away now? I didn’t want to lose him just because I did something stupid. But these worries were all gone when I saw his smile.

Maybe Antonios answer was true. That it was destiny that we met. But Francis answer was definitely true. Matthew was the person I loved.

As we were standing there, looking at each other the words ‘I love you’ escaped my and Matthews lips at the same time.The only thought that crossed my mind this second was that he is the person I want spend the rest of my life with.

This was at least my plan.

It was five months after we started our relationship and told our friends about it, that he went back to Canada to visit his family. I didn’t think that the kiss we gave us at the airport would be the last one.

It’s been now three years since I last saw him. I don’t know what happened to him. An hour after his plane should have landed I called him but he wouldn’t pick up, he would also not answer my text messages. I tried it again and again but it never worked. I tried everything to find him. I even flew to Canada to search for him but it was extremely difficult because he told me only vaguely where his family lived. After a year of searching for him I gave up. I hadn’t the strength to always just get to a dead end. I sold my house and moved away because I couldn’t stand to be reminded of him by everything. I started to bury myself with work just to get away from my thoughts about him.

Last month my company sent me on a business trip. It was a surprisingly small town I was staying at during my business trip. After I checked in the hotel I had the urge to take a walk. There wasn’t much to see in a town like this but the thought that I should just walk around a little wouldn’t leave my mind.

As I walked around I noticed a small coffee shop that looked almost like the one I met Matthew at. Even though thinking of him still hurts something just screamed that I had to go inside. I gave in to my thoughts and walked in the coffee shop. At that moment time stopped for a few seconds again. He was standing there. The boy I met in my dream. The boy I thought I lost three years ago. Matthew was standing there. I was frozen in place. I couldn’t move. I only could stare at him in shock. And he, like the first time we met, just stared back at me in shock. It wasn’t until he began to cry I was able to move my body towards him. I hugged him just like when we kissed the first time that one night over three years ago. The difference was that this time I couldn’t stop my tears either. Finally after three years I can hold the one I love with my whole heart again.

As I held Matthew I remembered how Antonio told me that it was destiny that I met him.That, what I thought to be the most stupid answer I have ever heard, is now the truest thing anyone could have ever told me. It was destiny that we met and it was destiny that brought me back to him.  

[iamanartichoke]

I hate when I follow a post to an OP’s blog and think they seem cool and I might follow them and then there’s something so exceedingly pro Taika Waititi and Anti Anti Taika Waititi that I’m just like, oh. And then I go through the notes and it’s nothing but bashing Loki stans for not worshipping at the altar of Taika Waititi and I just - 

People can obviously have their opinions. I don’t care if you like Taika Waititi, that’s great. I’m glad the movie was enjoyable for you. But if you can’t express that without tearing down the people who are critical of them, then I won’t follow you and I’ll probably think you’re a bit of a jerk. 

I have long been vocal about being in the middle when it comes to the Pro vs. Anti Ragnarok discourse. Ragnarok got me into the Loki fandom, and I enjoyed the film a lot. But. As people have probably noticed (judging by the followers I’ve lost, at any rate), my view toward the movie has become increasingly more negative recently, as more and more discourse comes out and shines a bright spotlight on all the things wrong with it. 

Before, I was able to enjoy it as an objective fan, without paying particular attention to Loki’s treatment or how OOC everyone was. It’s a fun time. I’ve gotten to the point, though, where I can no longer separate my critical thinking brain with what’s going on in the story, or with Loki’s treatment. Furthermore, I can’t even enjoy the parts I really loved anymore (Loki’s “I’m here,” the coronation scene, etc) because all I can think about when I watch it is the absolute fucking travesty of what happens to the Asgardians in IW. So I’m like ... yeah, I can’t be in that middle place between enjoyment and critique anymore. There were already parts I skipped entirely upon rewatches bc they’re so bad (the play), but overall, I can’t enjoy this movie anymore. 

And, honestly, I don’t understand how someone can read all of the negative, shitty things Taika said about Loki, about Asgard, and about the Thor franchise in general and still say that he’s the only director who understood Loki and Thor’s characters. Then, furthermore, they say that Joss Whedon is the one who can’t write, can’t direct, ruined Avengers, and should stay far away from Marvel, and I just ...???? I have been a fan of Joss Whedon since the 90s, he is responsible for So. Many. Characters. And. Storylines. that I both loved unequivocally and also had a profound influence on my development as a young woman and as a person that I can neither bring myself to dislike him nor understand those who have such vitriol toward him, to the point of, in my opinion, willful ignorance about what’s really going on when it comes to who cares about these characters. I don’t know much about Joss personally, and maybe some of his views are ~problematic~ but as a filmmaker, I have nothing but the highest regard for him. And it really gets me when I see people toss him away in order to stan Taika “I didn’t even watch the other Thor movies here have an anus joke” Waititi. 

I mean, maybe I’m being a hypocrite. It seems like I’m saying that I feel like praising Taika is wrong and tearing down Joss is wrong, and if you have these opinions you are wrong, and my opinions are right. That’s not what I’m saying at all. I respect everyone’s opinion, whether or not they’re different than mine. 

But I will say that it’s telling of something, I’m not sure what, that the anti Ragnarok people keep the discourse focused entirely on what Taika himself has said and what the movie itself does and doesn’t tear down and/or personally attack anyone who holds the opposite opinion. Furthermore, no one is going and attacking Taika or Chris or anyone personally on Twitter, Insta, or wherever they may hang out. Meanwhile, the Pro Ragnarok people have no problem shitting all over “hard core Loki stans” for these opinions and hoisting themselves up on the altar of smug superiority that they aren’t the pathetic losers who need to get a life. And it’s just. Why? Why can’t we all just keep the opinions limited to the actual source material? Why do feel like your opinions make you better than anyone who disagrees? Could it possibly be because you can’t defend the source material you love so much, so you have to resort to insulting the people who provide the evidence to support their argument that it sucks? I mean, I’m just tossing that out there. 

I apologize for this rant. It’s just something that’s been building over the past couple of weeks and I saw a post that just kind of made me snap. This is very stream-of-consciousness and I don’t mean to belittle or insult anyone who likes the movie. I’m sorry if it comes off that way. It’s just, this is where I am at the moment, and I just needed to get it out. 

[gamzee-the-capricious-fanfic]

Chapter 5

The next day you can barely focus on your classes. All you can think about is your “date” with Tavros. You pester Karkat all day about what you should do and he is starting to get frustrated and annoyed.

“Gamzee! Just. Be. Yourself. Goddamn. I don’t know how many times I have to say it to get the fucking concept through your thick skull you fucking dipshit. I swear the message would get through to even the smallest insect. They don’t even fucking understand our language! That is how stupid you are being!” 

“Clearly being myself has gotten me absolutely nowhere.” You gesture wildly at yourself. “Apparently this motherfucker only gives off ‘lets be friends and only that’ vibes!” You pull at your hair in frustration. “Why am I like this!”

“Dude, fucking chill out before you give yourself a seizure or something.” 

You gasp. “I didn’t even think about that! What if the movie has a bunch of flashing lights!!! I heard that I should avoid movies with flashing lights if I have seizures. Motherfuck that would be motherfuckin embarrassing as shit!”

“Wow, your only worry is getting embarrassed is it? Not the fact that seizures are a very serious thing and can lead to you being seriously hurt or like you could die but yeah, don’t want to seem less cool of course.” Karkat sighs. “Why am I the only one who takes this seriously. 

“Bro, the way Tavros perceives me is super motherfuckin serious.”

“Ok first off, do you have to say motherfuck in every sentence you say? Also I doubt Tavros would think of you any less if that happened. Besides it would probably make you even more pitiable.” 

“Yes. But anyway so, what you are all up in putting down is that I should see a movie with a bunch of flashing lights so Tavros gets all motherfuckin worried about me? That is brilliant Karkat.” 

“Goddammit Gamzee! NO!” Karkat looks like he is about to explode and go on a serious rant but you cut him off.

“Kar I’m just joking I promise!” you chuckle. “I may look like a dumb motherfucker but I promise I’m not stupid.”

“You’re right you do look stupid. Like the most stupid, Imagine Trump, then put some clown makeup over that orange ass face and you are that stupid.” Dave chimes in. You didn’t even realize he was there with you guys. You glower at him. 

“What is a Trump?” You ask.

“Wow, uh like the current president. The one who isn’t Obama. We fuckin wish Obama was back. Brilliant person. Cared about the economy man. It’s all about the economy. Like imagine Obama, imagine him saying “the economy is bad” and we are all like “oh no!” but then he is just like “I’m going to fix it.” and you feel serene listening to that beautiful voice of his but then Trump waltzes in and just fucks it. Like literally, wrinkly dick right up in there. I don’t know about you but the economy with Trump’s dick deep in it is not a good economy dude.”

You understood none of that. You open your mouth as if to reply and nothing comes to you. Damn. Eventually you manage a weak: "Who is Ob-"

"Don't even finish that sentence." 

You look to Karkat for some backup or something but he's just smiling lightly at Dave with a red tinge to his face. You look back and forth between them and come to a realization. You give Karkat an exasperated look. "Bro, really?" 

He looks at you confused for a second then realizes that you know about his little crush. "Anyway Gam yeah just go for it, it's just a movie right?" He says that loudly with a fake laugh at the end desperately trying to change the subject. Dave raises an eyebrow but his face remains unreadable. His stupid face pisses you off. Yet also attracts you. Ah the complexity of black romance. Honestly you never expected to feel black feelings towards anyone. You never really disliked any of your friends to that point. Well, Vriska annoys you, you don't like how mean she is to Tavros but that is different.

 For the next few hours you agonize over this movie date. Should you take him to dinner? Is that too much? Then if you did where should you go? There's too many questions and Karkat is tired of you pestering him with said questions. You decide you might as well ask Tavros what he wants to do. Talkin is so much easier over text. 

 TC: HeY tAvBrO, wAnNa Go GeT sOmE wIcKeD aSs GrUb BeFoRe ThE mOvIe?

You wait staring at your phone screen. After a minute you get fidgety and so you get up and pace around the room biting your lip absentmindedly. It takes 5 minutes for Tavros to respond but to you it felt like forever.

AT: uH,,, yEAH SURE

Thats it. You waited 5 minutes for that. You groan in frustration. Ok, just gotta ask him where he'd want to go then. 

TC:  AnY pReFeReNcE mY mOtHeRfUcKeR?

Now you play the waiting game, again. You expected a quick reply since he just answered your previous text but you sure expected wrong. It takes a good 15 minutes before your phone finally goes off.

AT: nO PREFERENCE REALLY } : )

God dammit Tavros. Now you have to think of somewhere to go. You have literally little to no sense of taste, and you are supposed to pick a place. And you KNOW everyone has a preference. They say they don't but then you pick a place and then they are all up and like 'oh, not that place' and the cycle repeats itself. Alright, you gotta play that fuckin reverse card shit.

TC: WeLl T-dOg, YoU kNoW i DoN't AlL uP aNd HaVe A sEnSe Of TaStE rIgHt NoW sO mAyBe YoU sHoUlD pIcK. :o) 

Take that motherfucker. Now the pressure of choosing should be off your chest now. You receive another text. 

AT: oH,,, uH,,, mAYBE WE SHOULDN'T GO OUT FOR FOOD THEN,

For fucks sake. 

TC: We StIlL cAn, I jUsT wOuLdN't Be GoOd At ChOoSiNg Is AlL tAv. 

AT: uH,,, oK THEN, iT MIGHT TAKE ME A WHILE TO UH,,, dECIDE THOUGH,

TC: DoN't MaTtEr To Me BrO, tAkE aLl ThE tImE yOu NeEd :o)

 Finally, progress. You love Tavros but this whole date thing has got you on edge. You need to calm your shit. You try to think of something to do in the meantime but only one thing comes to mind. It’s time to get a little bit high. You know it’s not a great idea and Tavros would disapprove of this but It would soothe your nerves and that is what you need. You spend 30 minutes at your spot, you decided the place you first smoked weed at is now your place to go. It is quiet and peaceful over there so it is a good spot to go to get away from everyone because only you know about it. Now, it didn’t take you 30 minutes to smoke by any means but it was so calming to be there so you ended up staying longer than you intended to.  By the time you finally check your phone for the time you see it is 10 minutes before you are supposed to meet Tavros for your date! You curse yourself for being so careless and you start heading back to the dorm building. 

However, as you are heading towards the dorm building you get stopped by a group of trolls. At first you didn’t realize their intent was to stop you but as soon as you tried to go around them they circled you. There are 5 trolls, at a quick glance they all appear to be blue bloods. You give them a lazy smile, as if you are not worried at all. Of course you are not stupid, they want to cause trouble and you are prepared for that but for now you just say: 

“What can a motherfucker do for y’all?”

They are all giving you dirty looks, disgust even. The leader, at least you assume so, steps forward. 

“I just want to know how a disgusting runt of a highblood like you didn’t get culled.”

You laugh, “Well seeing as me and you are around the same height how does that make me a runt to you exactly?” 

He ignores that. “Just look at you, weak, stunted, and you look practically skeletal. Not to mention your sopor addiction. What fucking idiot would come up with the idea to consume that?”

“Look, I got somewhere to be motherfucker, you can spout all the hate you want but maybe at a later time.” You are getting impatient, Tavros must be wondering where you are. 

“Wow, you are as stupid as you look huh. You aren’t going anywhere ‘motherfucker’. We are going to do you a favor and just pity cull you.” 

He gestures to the others and they start advancing towards you. He looks so cocky and sure of himself. “We will see about that then.” Your smile widens, almost predatory. It is very slight but you swear you see a flash of fear in the lead troll’s eyes. One of the trolls decaptchalogues his weapon, a serrated edged blade, and leaps towards you. You casually step aside dodging his attack. You grab the back of his shirt as he trips past and lifting him with ease you throw him at one of the trolls trying to attack you from behind. The remaining three still standing realize that coming at you one at a time will not work. They rush towards you all wielding different kinds of blades. You decaptchalogue your clubs and use them to deflect the blades then you kick the troll in front of you, the leader, in the stomach and he collapses heaving. You grab the arm of one of the remaining trolls pulling her towards you unbalancing her before you slam a club down on her arm breaking it. She drops her blade with a scream. The other one who rushed you stabs towards you and you just barely move out of the way getting nicked slightly on your side. He smiles triumphantly before you grab him by the hair and slam a knee into his face effectively knocking him out. You hear movement behind you but before you can move you feel a sharp stinging pain in your shoulder.

“MOTHERFUCKER!” You hiss in pain and look to see an arrow lodged in your shoulder. Now you are fucking pissed. You whirl and snarl angrily at the troll who shot you. His face pales seeing you enraged. You advance towards him and you can see him shaking, frozen with fear. You stand in front of him now and you grab his bow from his shaking hands and you snap it in half. The terrified troll whimpers and stutters. “P-p-please don’t h-hurt me. I-It was all Xaleeb’s idea!” He points towards the leader troll who was just starting to get to his feet. “I don’t give a flying fuck bro.” You punch the fucker in the face, knocking him out. Everything screams in you to kill these trolls but you keep yourself in check just barely, never again do you want your rage to run wild. You look towards the lead troll and growl. 

“If you know what is good for you motherfucker I would get the fuck out of here.”

He glares at you eyes full of hate. “This isn’t over highblood, watch your back.” 

He and the other conscious trolls run off leaving those who are unconscious. You captchalogue your clubs again and check your phone, you are almost an hour late, the fight felt so fast how the fuck did the time fly by so quick? You groan then wince as your shoulder throbs reminding you of the arrow stuck in your shoulder. Goddammit. You rush back to the dorms ignoring the shocked looks, yeah you have an arrow in your shoulder and you are bleeding, so what. You are panting by the time you open the door to the dorm. Dave, Karkat, and Tavros look towards you, Karkat stands looking angry and as if he is going to tell you off before he notices the arrow sticking out of your shoulder and his face turns to concern. “Sorry I am late Tav, got a bit hung up for a moment.” 

Karkat sputters for a moment before finally finding his voice. “Hung up for a bit!? Gamzee you have a fucking arrow in your fucking shoulder!” 

You ignore that and walk up to Tavros, he looks as though he had been crying. You gently cup his face with your hands and you can see fresh tears forming in his eyes. Before you can stop yourself you lean down and gently kiss him. His lips are just as soft as you imagined them to be but all to soon you back off now worried about his reaction. 

“Ah, shit bro sorry, I couldn’t help myself.” 

Your voice trails off and you can’t look at him. You totally fucked up, this isn’t the way you wanted to do this. Tavros gently grabs your arm and you look at him confused, he pulls your arm down and towards him making you stoop slightly before he kisses you. You are sure you are blushing profusely, if you didn’t know any better you would think you were dreaming but the sharp throbbing pain in your shoulder tells you otherwise. When he pulls away you can see that he too is blushing profusely. You chuckle softly and Tavros giggles looking hella cute. 

“Uh, sorry to interrupt your little red fest but Gamzee you are literally fucking bleeding out onto the floor in case you forgot!”

You grimace, yeah, that is true. Tavros looks at your shoulder worry written all over his face. 

“Uh,, you should probably get that looked at Gamzee.” 

“Don’t you worry Tavbro I’m sure I’ll be ok.” He doesn’t look convinced. He looks to Karkat for support. 

“All right Gamzee, you are coming with me.” Karkat grabs you by the arm and pulls you out the door. You honk in surprise. 

Karkat practically drags you all the way to another dorm room down the hall from yours. He knocks impatiently. It takes a second but Rose answers the door.  

“Hey Rose, can you get Kanaya for me?” Rose looks at Karkat then at you, her eyes drifting to the arrow poking out of your shoulder. 

“Sure.” 

Rose goes back into the room leaving the door open a crack. You can hear her call for Kanaya and then some soft murmuring. After a second Kanaya comes to the door. 

“It seems you had an accident Gamzee?”

“You could say that.” You smile sheepishly. 

Kanaya gestures the two of you inside. “May I ask why you have an arrow in your shoulder Gamzee?” 

“Just a little altercation is all. Not too big of a deal.” You shrug then wince and curse as a sharp pain runs through your shoulder, ok, best not to do that. 

Kanaya tuts watching you. “If you say so, let’s see what we got then.” Kanaya gestures for you to sit and you do so. She grabs a black case and opens it. Inside there looks to be both sewing utensils and first aid. She then looks closely at the arrow in your shoulder and hums. “It appears luck is not on your side Gamzee. This arrow has barbs all down the shaft of it so it is not going to come out easy. I may need some assistance.” 

You groan, “Of course the motherfuckers used barbed arrows, cowardly little shits.”  

Kanaya types on her phone for a second and within a minute there is a knock on the door. 

“Come in” Kanaya calls. 

The door opens and Equius comes in. “I heard you needed assistance highblood.” 

You give a crooked smile, “Seems so, I guess pulling a motherfuckin arrow out of my shoulder by myself is unadvised.” 

He perks up at the mention of an arrow, he always was obsessed with archery even if he couldn’t do it himself on account of his ridiculous strength. He approaches you and studies the arrow “It is a good quality arrow, I would presume a higher blood owned it?” He doesn’t give you time to answer before he goes on. “Though it is unfortunate they used barbs, cowardly really.” He starts rambling about what type of arrows a respectable troll would use but you zone it out. You watch blood ooze from your shoulder wound. You think it’s quite a motherfuckin beautiful sight really. You imagine painting with your own blood, first just an image but then you think about how you could paint miraculous designs on Tavros, imagining the cool toned purple blood on his more warmer toned gray skin, fuck that’s hot. You shake your head clearing out that weird fantasy and focus again on what’s going on around you. Apparently Equius had been calling your name a few times. He sounds very exasperated. 

“Shit sorry bro, got a lil lost in my own thinkpan for a second.” He gives you a disapproving look. 

“Like I was saying Makara, I am going to break the head off of this arrow, it may jostle the wound.” He waits seemingly seeking permission. 

“Go ahead bro” 

He nods then grips part of the arrow sticking out from your shoulder to steady it, the action causes a sharp pain in your shoulder but you do not react. He then quickly snaps the head off the arrow, the movement of that causing you to hiss in pain. 

“My apologies highblood.” He is starting to sweat a bit profusely. 

You wish he would stop calling you that but with all the times you’ve told him to stop it, so far it has not worked. “It’s all up and just fine bro, just can we get the motherfucking thing out of my shoulder now?” 

You would really like nothing more than to get this over with and hang out with Tav. Equius nods and steps slightly behind you now placing one hand on your shoulder trying not to hurt you and the other grips the back of the arrow. “This will hurt, a lot.” 

And with that he rips the arrow out of your shoulder. The pain is intense and you can just feel the barbs shredding your flesh, you cannot help the scream that comes ripping out of your throat. Then your body locks up and your vision fades, the last thing you hear is: “Oh fiddlesticks.” 

[pwnyta]

Full Endgame spoilers/review:

(TL;DR: It was really fucking good. Theres some bad obviously but overall worth it. Even after reading the spoilers and feeling like I may not like it as much as I thought I would... I actually liked it more.)

- - So as I said I loved the movie I had some gripes but overall I thought it was one hell of a fun, entertaining movie. I'll go by each characters story in my review saving Cap and Tony for last.

Natasha- Honestly? Though I think the MCU dropped the ball on the 0G6 being a believable family... I think Nats role in this movie was sweet. I really like the scene where Tony Nat and Bruce were laying down talking about Strange and the stones. It was really cute but it really made me wish we got to see this earlier. Joss dropped the ball hard in AoU. Ive said it one and I'll say it again. AoU should have been the movie where the Avengers were a solid unit throughout the movie.Nats death was... heroic but honestly her and Clint beating the shit out of each other because neither could stand the thought of the other being sacrificed was kinda funny and cute which is jarring to the story. It kinda sucks that she was fridged before the final battle though.

Clint- What are the fucking odds that every one of his family was dusted? But w/e. Clint having a wild sword battle in Japan... it was ridiculous and weird and IDK what they were thinking with that scene but it was played really dramatically but I laughed? Cuz it was so over the top and silly... even though he just slit that guys throat and Nats like :c Clint~ honey no its fine... and they hold hands over the guys warm corpse. LMFAO WHAT!? Im at least happy his kids got him back if nothing else.

Bruce- ... Bruce with Hulks big green body? NICE. Thats gonna have some interesting fanart I can already tell and I lift my glass to you. I once tried to draw a little comic where Bruce and Hulk separated but also had swapped bodies.... so Bruce had Hulks body but I never did finish it I wonder if I still have it saved somewhere. Anyways. Honestly? I found Bruce in this movie to be equal parts funny and annoying? Like it was a bit jarring sometimes that he was so lighthearted despite everything.

Thor- When I read the spoilers I thought I was gonna really dislike Thor but watching it I understood where Thor was coming from and I couldnt really blame him for spiraling and its not like anyone close to him seemed to even check up on him despite clearly knowing where he was. Im really sad that it took all those years and only until he was needed for someone to try and talk Thor through what he was going through. Im not annoyed with Thor. Im annoyed with the rest of them (minus Tony and I guess Clint? Considering.). Bruce was his friend in Ragnarok, Nat keeps talking about them being family, and Steve is their leader where the hell were they? Unless im missing something... I guess Valkyrie too but shes been picking up his slack as a leader and was holding the Asgardians together so I can cut her some slack. ANYWAYS. Thor was kinda funny in the movie but it was kind of hard to enjoy his goofiness. It kind felt like Tony in IM2. Speaking of Im glad Tony seemed really tolerant of Thors drunk behavior... I was sure he would throw a lot of shots like Rocket did. I wish they had a moment to talk about Thor self medicating with booze... Tonys been there. I get why they couldnt really but.. His scene with Frigga was really nice. Frigga is a bad bitch raised by witches and shit.... she knows all~ A wise woman that Frigga.

Scott- HOLY SHIT Did I love Scott in this movie. He was soo funny and cute... and bullied a lot. You know I have a thing for easily bulliable character. And Scott just got spanked left and right. His helpless goofiness reminded me of Harry from KKBB a little. He bounced off everyone well and it makes me kinda wish he was one of the OG6 instead of Clint. He was more of the heart that kept the Avengers together than anyone. Also him and Tony talking about Caps ass? HILARIOUS. Bisexual icons honestly. 'That suit did nothing for your ass.' 'No one asked you to look!' 'I think you look great Cap as far as Im concerned thats Americas ass!' and then later Caps all 'That IS Americas ass.' Unbelievable. But his best scene is still him reuniting with Cassie. She was so big! Im so happy she got her dad back... but Bruces failed time travel machine scene.... that was a close second. 'Somebody peed my pants... idk if it was baby me or old me........ or me me.' Also the 'whats up regular sized man' scene is longer and more hilarious than the preview showed. FUCK YOUR TACO SCOTT. At least Bruce is nice to him. I ship GreenAnt a little. Rocket petting Scott and mockingly calling him a puppy. SAME.

Rhodey- JESUS RHODEY. Speaking of hilarious idiots. Im glad he got a bigger roll in this movie but he didnt hug Tony when he got back so whats the point? BUT W/E... He was hilarious and amazing. It was nice to see him step up as one of the sorta leaders after the snappening. But he was also A HUGE FUCKING DORK THE ENTIRE WAY THROUGH. Thinking that a secret cavern with a spooky name would be boobytrapped like in Indiana Jones and trying to convince Nebula to be careful. Naming a bunch of shitty time travel movies to prove a point about time travel (with Scotts help) and going back in time to kill baby Thanos...and Bruce was like 'yeah... no...' and him fucking TRASHING the magic of the iconic opening scene of the first GotG where Quill is dancing.... 'so hes an idiot?' RHODEY PLEEEEAAASSSEEEE have mercy. Him and Nebula are a trip. Also I made a note to mention Don Cheadles BEAUTIFUL soft voice. So here it is. I love Don Cheadles beautiful soft voice. He had too few scenes with Tony but their first scene when Tony starts freaking out and hes trying to get Tony to calm down was pretty good... and god that ending.... ;-; How come Rhodey got NO lines while Tony was dying? But also in the same position I dont think Id have any words either. I too would just cry. And did... for Tony. But yeah besides his lack of scenes with Tony I really loved Rhodeys scenes. I usually do. Hes adorable.

Nebula: Sweetie... You are just amazing. Shes legit one of the best most solid characters in the movie. The opening scenes between her and Tony? FUCKING adorable. Im sad we dont see more of them after the time skip. I also wish we got a longer scene of Neb and Rocket talking when she gets to earth... I guess just seeing them sit together sadly was enough to portray the emotions but.... I MEAN. More Nebula wouldnt hurt anyone. Having to see two tortured versions of Nebula was upsetting. Future Nebula who lost so much and past Nebula still under Thanos' thumb. 'You can change!' 'He wont let me' OOF. Im sad that past Nebula was killed... but appreciate that even in that moment past Gamora was upset to see her be killed. Im glad with Present Neb, Gamora was so easily heel-face turned. She loves her sister. Also their moment after past Gamora beats up present Quill was hilarious 'Really? This is the guy?' 'The choices were him or a tree.' WHAT ABOUT DRAX, NEBULA?! I know I said I may not watch any MCU movies after this but I might tune in for GotG3 for Nebula (and Thor).

Steve: I actually ENJOYED Steve in this movie for the most part. For the first time in any movie... even by himself I kind of enjoyed Steve. Especially the scene when hes fighting himself and his past self says 'I can do this all day' and hes like 'Tst... yeah I know... okay' Like he was sick of his own damn bullshit. And frankly? Same. Also him whispering 'Hail hydra' to get the scepter? Hilarious. I cant help but see it as a knock at that shitty Hydra Cap comic that everyone hated. But despite me enjoying Steve for most of the film... the MCUs inability to write a good romance and pretending like Steve and Peggys relationship was a peak or something completely undoes it all. It would still NOT BE GREAT regardless but the fact the RUSSOS are the ones who brought Sharon into TWS in the first place makes it SO MUCH WORSE that Steve dipped out. Steve should have moved on... even if it wasnt with Sharon. They could have at least MENTIONED HER but they knew they couldnt because then it would be too highlighted that Steve is a fucking FUCK BOY who used the niece of the woman he loved as a surrogate and that him going back to the past means hes gonna be meeting little Sharon at some point. Also? Really? Steve you have this whole new family you supposedly love and can live your life with but you rather go back in the past because the first woman who was nice to you was there? Move on. Its so fucking weird that hes so obsessed with her. You have your childhood friend and the rest of your new friends... and supposedly a girlfriend. IDK how anyone could be happy with that ending for him. But I guess its in character... remember the note he sent Tony 'I've been on my own since I was 18.' What about Bucky? He was there with you and you had family in the Avengers supposedly. Natasha seemed to think so. YOURE SUCH A FUCKIN SCUMBAG STEVE. Jesus.

Tony: First of all Id just LOVED his scenes with Nebula as I said. He sat there patiently teaching how to play paper football and held her win. It was REALLY cute. When he passed out she picked him up off the floor and sat him down on the chair and pat him. REAL CUTE. He nicknamed her 'The Blue Meanie' its cute and he tried to give her the last of their food but she insisted he eat it. Bobbos eyes never looked more gorgeous than in that scene where Carol finds them honestly. Tonys I told you so was really really sad. It had a lot of feeling like that scene in AoU when he laughs hysterically and starts ranting? Rhodey tried to calm him down but he just ripped into Cap. Also he yanked off his arc reactor and I FULLY JUMPED IN PANIC because I forgot it wasnt in him. I fully flinched. But he pulled his heart out and gave it to Steve and then passed out. Tony and Peppers daughter is ADORABLE. And her interactions with Tony are so sweet. Domestic Tony is lovely. I love that when Steve and the gang roll up on him Morgan runs out during their discussion and is like 'Mom told me to come and save you....' and hes like 'Well Ive been saved!' REAL CUTE. Also he swore and his daughter copied him and hes like NOOOOO!!!!!!! LMAO. LANGUAGE Tony. Tony is motivated to fix things seeing that pic of him and Peter. Hes such a softie. IM REALLY REALLY SAD that we finally see Pepper kinda GET Tonys need to be Iron Man and is like 'But could you rest?'. The one time she encourages him to go back to be Iron Man and he fucking DIES. Im so sad for Pepper. But that scene between them where shes like 'We'll be ok.... you can rest now.' FUCK. Im crying again. That scene between him and Steve- 'Someone shoula warned you~' 'You did...' 'Oh did I? Thank god Im here' has the same energy as 'Who taught you how to dance?' 'You did.' 'Well Ive done a marvelous job!' It was pretty great. Tonys nicknames for Scott are 'Pissant' and 'Thumbelina.' Im not OVERLY fond of his scenes with Howard. But honestly? My brother is the same way with our dad... he just chooses to forget the bad stuff and focus on the few good times. I cant do that but if it made Tony happier then VERY WELL. I wish Tony coulda talked to Jarvis too tho... just a word... anything? Best Tony scene is Peter babbling about how he musta passed out because Tony was gone and and and and Tony just hugs him so tightly and Peters hugs back and is like :D 'this is nice'! Though that STARK contrast of them after Tony uses the gauntlet... and Peter is like 'Mr Stark... we won... we did it... no Mr Stark...' Big Simba and Mufasa feels (and kind of Hughes and Elicia tbh). Not cool Disney. I was already crying. Rhodey was the first to reach Tony and Tony couldnt say ANYTHING to anyone and Rhodey just pets his cheek... Tony was just looking around as his family just has to watch helplessly as hes dying and Pepper tells him its ok. His funeral was really nice. He recorded a message for everyone kind of like his message for Pepper on the ship. Everyone was there... I think even Harley (Im really sad we didnt see them get reunited even once). The scene with Happy and Morgan was really sweet. 'I'll buy all the cheeseburgers you want....' It was cool to because... ya know.... Jon Favreau. He got a really beautiful end. I wish he could just retire and live with Pep and Morgan... but if he had to die... that was a really lovely sendoff. SO ALL IN ALL. Awesome movie. I didnt get to see past elderly Steve passing the shield off to Sam... I'll have to rewatch it again when theres a better version. Especially for that fucking STUNNING end battle. Even with the shitty cam I watched it looked AMAZING and I cant wait for it in HD.

[pacificwanderer]

Got any advice for a girl who has 3 younger fanbro brothers who proclaim they will not be watching TROS in theaters? When I told my brothers the title, two of them groaned and said, yuck, seriously? And, my 21 year old brother, who really doesn't care about romance in action movies, always rolls his eyes when I bring up Reylo, and said the trailer reinforced his dislike for the ST actors. I know I shouldn't care what they think, but I do. I keep thinking I have to prove myself as a SW fan.

Hey Nonnie!

This is a really great questions :) I’ve been a fan since I was very young and it was something that I largely enjoyed on my own (family wasn’t much into it, though my aunt did make us watch Space Balls one time, so LOL I’ve got that, I guess?), so my experience will be a little different, but I’ll do my best. NGL, my first impulse was to type out “YOU DON’T OWE SHIT TO NOBODY NOHOW” but that’s not really helpful and, to be honest, it’s really a concept that I learned with age and experience because, for much of my life, I’ve also felt like I had to prove myself or justify my interests to others, esp when someone was choosing to criticize them. Also, this is a pretty common and normal feeling inside of fandom and in life, so you’re definitely not alone :)

It almost felt like it was a judgment on me. Somehow, I was doing something wrong by liking whatever thing I felt I needed to justify, so I needed to explain myself so that they could understand why I liked the thing because I didn’t like to feel like I was doing something wrong by liking it. I didn’t want them to reject me or think less of me because of my interests. But, as I’ve dealt with more of this kind of thing over time, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s okay for them to not give a shit about the things that I like and that I don’t owe them my time or a justification. I’m not wrong for liking SW just like they’re not really wrong for disliking it. It’s just the way it is in life. And, honestly, once the movie comes around, they might change their tune anyways because I have a feeling it’s going to be epic.

If I like something, it’s right for me because it’s right for me. Doesn’t mean that will be the case for anyone else, but it also doesn’t mean that I have to convert them or bring them over to my POV. The best thing for me was to find people who shared my interests and talk with them about how much I love the thing. For me, that was getting started in online fandom. I was also really lucky to find a group of friends outside of the fandom who are really supportive and patiently listen to my Reylo and Star Wars rants. I’ve also gotten more confident with my likes and interests over time, which really is just me becoming more confident as a person. The older I get, the less I give a shit about what other people say about things that ultimately don’t matter (like fandom). It’s supposed to be fun and I do my best to seek out the people and opportunities that are enjoyable to me :) Again, that’s after a lot of years of feeling lesser than, or like I needed to hide my hobbies, but now I just dgaf lol.

Another thing to remember is that peer pressure and influence from others is a real thing and some people feel the need to fall in line, or hate on things that “everyone” else hates on just because they don’t want to feel like they’re not part of the group (and, boy, is that group loud on the internet, even if they are small). So, it could be that they’re feeling outward pressure to hide their own interests and preferences (not saying that’s definitely the case, but it can be part of the reason). It happened with the PT too, where you get people who aren’t even into SW weighing in on how “terrible” the movies are. Because SW is so ubiquitous, everyone has an opinion on it, so there’s always going to be plenty of conflict in the fandom because not only do you have generations of people growing up and loving different facets of this series, you have people who think that a viable personality trait is hating on Star Wars (it’s not, they’re boring, and I’ve learned to just ignore them and enjoy with part of the fandom that is good for me). It takes a lot of guts to be open with your likes and hobbies and not many people feel comfortable with making themselves vulnerable like that. I know it was a challenge for me growing up because it stings to hear shit like “that fucking sucks,” or “what’s wrong with you [for liking that]” or “Isn’t that a boy thing?” But, again, it’s a reflection on them, not me. Mostly, I think people are jealous that they can’t openly like the things they like because they’re afraid of criticism. Which sucks. 

I wish we were more encouraging about interests instead of always making fun of people for being “too excited,” or “childish.” This would would be a more magical place if people could take themselves outside of their own experiences, fears, and insecurities, and realize that we’re all just stumbling along together, trying to get by, on this crazy rock that’s hurtling through space. People also get a lot more traction by talking about what they hate because it gets a rise out of others. Look at youtube or twitter. That shit is toxic as fuck (and this place can be too) with people continually focusing on shit that they say they “hate” but are actually obsessed with (and probably secretly enjoy, which I’m sure pisses them off, hence the overcompensating with hate to PROVE to themselves that they really do hate it--Gee, reminds me of a certain character, to be honest lol). 

Also, it’s okay if people don’t like Star Wars or don’t like the new movies or Reylo. It’s fine. As long as they’re not being mean about it. There are plenty of things that I just can’t stand, but I stay out of it lol. And, well, some people are just gonna be jerks about it and that’s a reflection of them and their current state of being. If they enjoy making other people feel shitty about the things that they like, then I imagine their own state of being isn’t that great. Now, with brothers, I’m sure the dynamic is different (I don’t have any brothers, but I grew up around farm boys, so I got some of the dynamic, but living with people makes things a bit more challenging). So it might just be a family thing where you’re getting pushback because you’re a family member. Family sure is like that sometimes. 

I’m going to stop myself from going on a rant talking about how Star Wars, while it has action elements, isn’t an action movie and people who have that expectation for the series are always going to be disappointed (it’s a space opera), but it’s also good to remember that some people just don’t understand romance, and maybe they don’t like it. And that’s okay. People are entitled to their own opinions and interests and, as long as they’re not starting fights over it, I’d just move on. 

You have every right to enjoy Star Wars just however you see fit. You don’t owe it to anyone else to justify or explain your preferences. Whether you’re deep into it, or just like the aesthetic, or want romance or Reylo, or like the ships, whatever, it’s all valid. 

Is there something about SW that you all like that you can share if you’re looking for a way to bridge the gap? I’d avoid topics that you’re never going to agree on, but maybe if you’re looking to have conversations with your bros about SW, talk to them about the things you enjoy that you have in common. Or, if they’re picking at the ST, just ignore the bait. IT’S HARD and I hATE IT because I want to rub people’s faces in how wrong they are, but I also have to take a step back and remind myself that it’s fake and in space lol.

In summary, you never, ever, ever, ever, ever have to justify yourself as a SW fan or with anything else out there. Ever. Sometimes, it’s hard to remember that, but with time and practice, it gets easier, I promise. Take it from a chronic over-explainer lol. You are good and valid and wonderful just the way you are and in whatever way you enjoy this series. No matter what anyone else says or implies. Star Wars is for everyone, and anyone that implies otherwise never understood the series to begin with.

AND if you read all this and think it’s shit and you have a better way to deal with it HAHA I’m fine with that. These are my personal experiences and thoughts on the matter, and what’s right for me isn’t going to be right for everyone, nor do we all follow the same path in life :) Hope this helps, at least so you know that you’re not alone and I’m cheering for you! 

Take care, Nonnie! And MTFBWY!

[tak4hir0]

One of my favorite insights on the subject of online community is from Tom Chick: Here is something I've never articulated because I thought, perhaps naively, it was understood: The priority for participating on this forum is not the quality of the content. I ultimately don't care how smart or funny or observant you are. Those are plusses, but they're never prerequisites. The priority is on how you treat each other. I expect spats, arguments, occasional insults, and even inevitable grudges. We've all done that. But in the end, I expect you to act like a group of friends who care about each other, no matter how dumb some of us might be, no matter what political opinions some of us hold, no matter what games some of us like or dislike. This community is small enough, intimate enough, that I feel it's a reasonable expectation. Indeed, disagreement and arguments are inevitable and even healthy parts of any community. The difference between a sane community and a terrifying warzone is the degree to which disagreement is pursued in the community, gated by the level of respect community members have for each other. In other words, if a fight is important to you, fight nasty. If that means lying, lie. If that means insults, insult. If that means silencing people, silence. I may be a fan of the smackdown learning model and kayfabe, but I am definitely not a fan of fighting nasty. I expect you to act like a group of friends who care about each other, no matter how dumb some of us might be, no matter what political opinions some of us hold, no matter what games some of us like or dislike. There's a word for this: empathy. One of the first things I learned when I began researching discussion platforms two years ago is the importance of empathy as the fundamental basis of all stable long term communities. The goal of discussion software shouldn't be to teach you how to click the reply button, and how to make bold text, but how to engage in civilized online discussion with other human beings without that discussion inevitably breaking down into the collective howling of wolves. That's what the discussion software should be teaching you: Empathy. You. Me. Us. We can all occasionally use a gentle reminder that there is a real human being on the other side of our screen, a person remarkably like us. I've been immersed in the world of social discussion for two years now, and I keep going back to the well of empathy, time and time again. The first thing we did was start with a solid set of community guidelines on civilized discussion, and I'm proud to say that we ship and prominently feature those guidelines with every copy of Discourse. They are bedrock. But these guidelines only work to the extent that they are understood, and the community helps enforce them. In Your Community Door, I described the danger of allowing cruel and hateful behavior in your community – behavior so obviously corrosive that it should never be tolerated in any quantity. If your community isn't capable of regularly exorcising the most toxic content, and the people responsible for that kind of content, it's in trouble. Those rare bad apples are group poison. Hate is easy to recognize. Cruelty is easy to recognize. You do not tolerate these in your community, full stop. But what about behavior that isn't so obviously corrosive? What about behavior patterns that seem sort of vaguely negative, but … nobody can show you exactly how this behavior is directly hurting anyone? What am I talking about? Take a look at the Flamewarriors Online Discussion Archetypes, a bunch of discussion behaviors that never quite run afoul of the rules, per se, but result in discussions that degenerate, go in circles, or make people not want to be around them. What we're getting into is shades of grey, the really difficult part of community moderation. I've been working on Discourse long enough to identify some subtle dark patterns of community discussion that – while nowhere near as dangerous as hate and cruelty – are still harmful enough to the overall empathy level of a community that they should be actively recognized when they emerge, and interventions staged. 1. Endless Contrarianism Disagreement is fine, even expected, provided people can disagree in an agreeable way. But when someone joins your community for the sole purpose of disagreeing, that's Endless Contrarianism. Example: As an athiest, Edward shows up on a religion discussion area to educate everyone there about the futility of religion. Is that really the purpose of the community? Does anyone in the community expect to defend the very concept of religion while participating there? If all a community member can seem to contribute is endlessly pointing out how wrong everyone else is, and how everything about this community is headed in the wrong direction – that's not building constructive discussion – or the community. Edward is just arguing for the sake of argument. Take it to debate school. 2. Axe-Grinding Part of what makes discussion fun is that it's flexible; a variety of topics will be discussed, and those discussions may naturally meander a bit within the context defined by the site and whatever categories of discussion are allowed there. Axe-Grinding is when a user keeps constantly gravitating back to the same pet issue or theme for weeks or months on end. Example: Sara finds any opportunity to trigger up a GMO debate, no matter what the actual topic is. Viewing Sara's post history, GMO and Monsanto are constant, repeated themes in any context. Sara's negative review of a movie will mention eating GMO popcorn, because it's not really about the movie – it's always about her pet issue. This kind of inflexible, overbearing single-issue focus tends to drag discussion into strange, unwanted directions, and rapidly becomes tiresome to other participants who have probably heard everything this person has to say on that topic multiple times already. Either Sara needs to let that topic go, or she needs to find a dedicated place (e.g. GMO discussion areas) where others want to discuss it as much as she does, and take it there. 3. Griefing VIDEO In discussion, griefing is when someone goes out of their way to bait a particular person for weeks or months on end. By that I mean they pointedly follow them around, choosing to engage on whatever topic that person appears in, and needle the other person in any way they can, but always strictly by the book and not in violation of any rules… technically. Example: Whenever Joe sees George in a discussion topic, Joe now pops in to represent the opposing position, or point out flaws in George's reasoning. Joe also takes any opportunity to remind people of previous mistakes George made, or times when George was rude. When the discussion becomes more about the person than the topic, you're in deep trouble. It's not supposed to be about the participants, but the topic at hand. When griefing occurs, the discussion becomes a stage for personal conflict rather than a way to honestly explore topics and have an entertaining discussion. Ideally the root of the conflict between Joe and George can be addressed and resolved, or Joe can be encouraged to move on and leave the conflict behind. Otherwise, one of these users needs to find another place to go. 4. Persistent Negativity Nobody expects discussions to be all sweetness and light, but neverending vitriol and negativity are giant wet blankets. It's hard to enjoy anything when someone's constantly reminding you how terrible the world is. Persistent negativity is when someone's negative contributions to the discussion far outweigh their positive contributions. Example: Even long after the game shipped, Fred mentions that the game took far too long to ship, and that it shipped with bugs. He paid a lot of money for this game, and feels he didn't get the enjoyment from the game that was promised for the price. He warns people away from buying expansions because this game has a bad track record and will probably fail. Nobody will be playing it online soon because of all the problems, so why bother even trying? Wherever topics happen to go, Fred is there to tell everyone this game is worse than they knew. If Fred doesn't have anything positive to contribute, what exactly is the purpose of his participation in that community? What does he hope to achieve? Criticism is welcome, but that shouldn't be the sum total of everything Fred contributes, and he should be reasonably constructive in his criticism. People join communities to build things and celebrate the enjoyment of those things, not have other people dump all over it and constantly describe how much they suck and disappoint them. If there isn't any silver lining in Fred's cloud, and he can't be encouraged to find one, he should be asked to find other places to haunt. 5. Ranting Discussions are social, and thus emotional. You should feel something. But prolonged, extreme appeal to emotion is fatiguing and incites arguments. Nobody wants to join a dry, technical session at the Harvard Debate Club, because that'd be boring, but there is a big difference between a persuasive post and a straight-up rant. Example: Holly posts at the extremes – either something is the worst thing that ever happened, or the best thing that ever happened. She will post 6 to 10 times in a topic and state her position as forcefully as possible, for as long and as loud as it takes, to as many individual people in the discussion as it takes, to get her point across. The stronger the language in the post, the better she likes it. If Holly can't make her point in a reasonable way in one post and a followup, perhaps she should rethink her approach. Yelling at people, turning the volume to 11, and describing the situation in the most emotional, extreme terms possible to elicit a response – unless this really is the worst or best thing to happen in years – is a bit like yelling fire in a crowded theater. It's irresponsible. Either tone it down, or take it somewhere that everyone talks that way. 6. Grudges In any discussion, there is a general expectation that everyone there is participating in good faith – that they have an open mind, no particular agenda, and no bias against the participants or the topic. While short term disagreement is fine, it's important that the people in your community have the ability to reset and approach each new topic with a clean(ish) slate. When you don't do that, when people carry ill will from previous discussions toward the participants or topic into new discussions, that's a grudge. Example: Tad strongly disagrees with a decision the community made about not creating a new category to house some discussion he finds problematic. So he now views the other leaders in the community, and the moderators, with great distrust. Tad feels like the community has turned on him, and so he has soured on the community. But he has too much invested here to leave, so Tad now likes to point out all the consequences of this "bad" decision often, and cite it as an example of how the community is going wrong. He also follows another moderator, Steve, around because he views him as the ringleader of the original decision, and continually writes long, critical replies to his posts. Grudges can easily lead to every other dark community pattern on this list. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to recognize grudges when they emerge so the community can intervene and point out what's happening, and all the negative consequences of a grudge. It's important in the broadest general life sense not to hold grudges; as the famous quote goes (as near as I can tell, attributed to Alcoholics Anonymous) Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. So your community should be educating itself about the danger of grudges, the root of so many other community problems. But it is critically important that moderators never, and I mean never ever, hold grudges. That'd be disastrous. What can you do? I made a joke in the title of this post about weaponizing empathy. I'm not sure that's even possible. But you can start by having clear community guidelines, teaching your community to close the door on overt hate, and watching out for any overall empathy erosion caused by the six dark community behavior patterns I outlined above. At the risk of sounding aspirational, here's one thing I know to be true, and I advise every community to take to heart: I expect you to act like a group of friends who care about each other, no matter how dumb some of us might be, no matter what political opinions some of us hold, no matter what things some of us like or dislike.

[actuallyvady]

personal ranting under the cut

For a long time, my friends have associated me with villains. Maybe they’re discussing a cosplay group-- ooh, Vady would be a great [insert villain here]. Maybe I’ve just asked ‘hey, what character do you see me as?’ and they all go for a villain. I get it, I really do-- I do adore a lot of villain character designs and latch onto people that are sometimes regarded as villainous. It’s far from exclusive-- my favorite character archetype is not a villain type-- but it’s a thing. 

I didn’t realize how much it bothered me until Hux. I can’t really trace when it started to bug me, but I do know that I have been actively trying to distance myself from straight up evil characters/sentiments for at least a year, around the same time I realized I never wanted to wear Hux again. Hux is his own special case; I ended up with gross things like actual Nazis thinking I would agree with them and one creep hitting on me by telling me “the national socialists were really snappy dressers.” (I wish I were making that up.) It might be that that drained the fun out of the rest of them, I don’t know. I do know that the timing works out to blame all of that-- but either way, it started to bother me that people had this association. I didn’t say anything, just quietly dropped all my actually evil cosplay plans and started doing more heroes, that sort of thing. 

This morning I posted a thing asking people what they think I should cosplay. Someone said Data, from Star Trek-- an idea I love, Data is a favorite character-- and then someone else decided it would be cute to suggest that I do Lore, instead. (For those unaware, Lore is basically Data’s evil twin.) It was the last straw-- a meaningless little comment, except that I have gotten so tired of all the meaningless little comments. So I posted asking people to not do that. Specifically, I said this:

A short PSA:

While I have cosplayed a lot of villains and often like characters whose morality is shades of grey, this is far from the only kind of character I like and I am getting tired of friends consistently associating me with "evil" characters. Villains have fun costuming. Complex characters are interesting. But I wanted to grow up to be Luke Skywalker.

I realize I created this expectation for you, but I am formally asking you to stop. I'm not a villain and do not want to be.

EDIT: I suppose I ought to clarify. I don't think any of you really think I am evil. What bothers me is that in the constant assumptions about who I will like, identify with, or want to cosplay there is an implication that I am one-dimensional. It's somewhat dehumanizing to be distilled down to a single trait. People seem to see that I favor villains and just... stop there.

I have played into this, I know. I didn't know it would bother me. So I am not blaming anyone-- you couldn't have known.

I got more than one apology from the person who had made the Lore comment-- he didn’t quite get why it bothered me at first, but he immediately apologized. Many of my friends leaped to reassure me that they didn’t think of me as such, others apologized who didn’t really need to. A few made thoughtful comments that brought tears to my eyes about how they actually see me-- but then, none of these people were the ones that were bothering me. This was probably my favorite:

You know, I mostly see things like...out of all the characters in Overwatch, I picked Zenyatta as being the 'vadiest' one. I see you as your inquisitor more than I see you as a villain. And sometimes, yeah, I remember you cosplay villains, but then I remember you talking about WHY you liked Loki, and why you picked Kid Loki for NOT being a villain and why Siege and his storyline were so captivating. You cosplay the stories and lore and it just so happens those characters are sometimes not always the good guys - but that's what I remember. I hope it helps a little, knowing that I think of those.

A few people I spoke to privately also understood and offered sympathy. There were some comments that missed the point entirely, and I tried to not be annoyed at it because they obviously hadn’t understood why I was upset. 

... and then there’s this.

have associated you with villains, not as villains in general, but as fun characters, as they tend to be more interesting than the heroes they go with. Dr horrible and loki exemplify this. When there's an interesting non-villain in something, that's what I picture you as. (Smartass Judy and smart asser semi-moral nick Wilde > bellflower for example. You are not bellflower. You very much are nick. Maybe Judy.) When I say "villain" I never intended for it to mean "all villains", though I see and apologize for how it became that, I meant "interesting, differently moralled characters who usually play villains in standard media stories" How would you rather I categorize that?

I’m going to start by saying that this is a person I have never met IRL and whose tone in text tends to get on all of my nerves at once; they always read to me as talking down to everyone, and it bothers me. So my reaction on seeing that they had commented probably meant that I was biased from the start. However.

If I say “hey guys, I’m really tired of being pigeonholed into this one type” the appropriate response is emphatically not to be defensive and explain to me why you doing it is okay. 

I am trying really hard to not snap at this person. I am not Dr. Horrible and you clearly do not understand what I liked about Loki. I am emphatically not Nick Wilde; my favorite fucking character in that movie is Clawhauser, and I would rather be associated with Judy and her boundless optimism than any of the people you might describe as “differently moralled.” I didn’t take the time to write out all of why I don’t like the association; I had hoped my friends would accept it and move on-- as most of them have. But this one? Here’s what I would like to say to her:

How would I rather you categorize the characters you have come to associate me with? I don’t care. If you consider yourself a friend, maybe try learning a new association rather than defending the one I have just said I don’t care for. Quibble all you like about definitions, your “differently moralled” characters are not me. That’s the whole point of this post-- people have this association, and I have come to greatly dislike it, and I am asking people who call themselves my friends to stop doing it. Instead of getting defensive about why it’s okay when you do it, maybe show me an ounce of respect and ask what it is that bothers me. Or, you know, get to know me better and develop a new association for me. 

I have a type! They’re not “differently moralled.” In fact I consider many of them to be deeply moral people; most of my faves are. Flawed people trying to do the right thing are really compelling to me; characters that can be described as “semi-moral” are not. My actual favorite characters are motivated very strongly by doing what they believe is right. Sometimes they’re wrong, but they believe in their cause.  

(... yes, I said I like people with greyscale morality; that is a very different thing. It means they do not see the world in black and white, not that they do not think right and wrong matter. Profoundly good people can have shades of grey in their morality; they see the capacity for good in what a more strictly black and white person would write off as bad. Or perhaps they believe the ends justify the means, and are willing to make sacrifices-- sometimes not their own-- in order to do what they see as right; that also goes against a strictly black and white world view. Shades of grey does not necessarily mean “semi-moral.”)

Anyway, it is late and I am cranky and I should wait until I am not cranky before replying. So I’m ranting here instead... though I’ll be cranky in the morning too, and probably any time I look at it, so we’ll see.