#also i might just start. posting shit. who cares if i spoil what technically happens later in the AU. if it gets me motivated then like.

[pyrriax]

one day i will stop being afraid of getting hounded for writing something that is less pretty and more just. raw.

[thedeviljudges]

yohan + physical tough + trauma response

disclaimer: this is based off of eps 1-7, and preview of ep 8; i wholeheartedly recognize that this post may become the worst meta ever depending on how the rest of the show goes. however, i do think there are still some interesting things to note about yohan. a lot of this is also me just talking shit out as i was sifting through all the eps again. i’m more than willing to change my mind or hear other thoughts.

also i kinda, sorta, unnecessarily included all of the moments of yohan and any physicality. a lot of them are not super important, but i do think they help draw a distinction in how he reactions when surprised, alone and around other people.

so, here’s a long ass post that is literally 99% me bullshitting, lmao.

so i wanted to delve more into yohan’s response to physical touch by way of trauma. while i know a lot of us have pieced it together, i think it’s pretty cool to lay it all out visually because i think there’s much more justification for his reactions; not to say it makes it right, but it does really flesh out a fundamental part of his characterization that i think is highly, highly important to understand.

yohan lives on the cusp for reckless behavior, almost as if he doesn’t care whether he lives or dies. the car chase, running through industrial buildings where safety isn’t a concern, etc.

episode one

the first time we see an instance of his disinterest in physical touch is when he first meets gaon. he actually offers him his hand, but the way he goes about it isn’t a handshake. he almost looks hesitant, and then he squeezes and does not shake. it’s truly a split second gesture out of formalities. granted, he’s just met someone he thinks looks like isaac, and might be in a little bit of… not shock, but certainly distracted.

later in the episode, yohan is in an abandoned building with homeless people. he’s checking people’s wrist, but he’s quick about leaving them alone. until, a homeless man comes up behind him and grabs him. in response, yohan swings his arm to knock him off. then, he punches him, steps on him and decides whether he’s worth the effort. again, granted, no one likes to be surprised in a creepy situation like this, so his response? kinda understandable at this point.

next is the scene where yohan catches gaon in his office, where he pushes him against the bookshelf and kinda, more or less, comes off as a bit luring. we know yohan knows gaon’s lying, but a couple of things here. yohan initiated the physical contact, and he did it because of the suspicious nature of gaon. yohan also knows how to use his power and charms to catch people off guard, and i think really, he was messing with gaon when he brushed his shirt and asked him if he lived alone. gay as fuck, lmao, but i also see it as an intimidation tactic, in a way.

i could also pose a couple of theories aside from intimidation if we wanted to squint:

yohan is still in a state of awe of gaon’s resemblance to isaac. he’s not heard his voice or been around the other man for at least 10 years, and now there’s tangibility at his fingertips.

if we want to look at it from the gay perspective, gaon is clearly intriguing to yohan, and as i’ll note further down in this post about yohan in relation to physical touch, i’m sure it could be assumed that this is one of the first people in a long time that yohan has an interest in making a connection with. however, because of his upbringing, it’s clear he does’t necessarily know how to connect with people (ie. ep 7 trying to connect with elijah, eps 1-6 with him trying to non-verbally tell gaon that he has bigger plans than what’s in front of his face. his admission in ep 5 about being monster). more or less, he knows his charms can be used, but when it comes to actually flirting and/or liking someone? it’s left to be addressed, but could be assumed he’s just as awkward about it as when we see him at home.

we also see a small instance of him letting someone dress him. there’s still touch involved, but it’s very clear what the intention is. he has control over the situation, and it’s not a surprise.

the next time he engages in physical touche, again, he initiates it because he’s in control, and it’s meant to be comforting, to an extent.

and then to round everything off, we actually see him reaching for isaac, who is actually gaon in the court scene, but you know storytelling and all that. he reaches for him both in the courtroom and within a flashback.

him reaching out for isaac seems to be a motif within the show as it happens later on, of which i’ll point out.

episode two

we see him initiate a handshake again. at first, to gaon, and then with jinjoo. controlled situation.

later on in the episode is when we see our first glimpses of batshit crazy yohan, an absolute delight and fav, lmao. he actually reaches out to the spoiled kid, and it’s clearly to legitimize intimidation and a position of power.

okay look, i’m not even gonna front, this was a cute scene. when jinjoo gets out of the car, he checks to make sure she’s okay, and they have this moment before they go onto the red carpet where they smile at each other. yohan is confirming she’s okay, and she agrees. again, controlled, and i don’t know for certain if yohan is more comfortable around women, or it’s just mere fact that he doesn’t always have a problem with touch when the situation is safe. he actually lets her take his arm further on in the scene, and yes, it is a public display of niceties, and he knows that.

so in the midst of this happening, we get the ‘devil child’ story. and i want to make note of the bird scene because i do think it’s important to note that people yohan cares for, he’s willing to go to the ends of the earth to protect them. yes, they’re children in school, but the girl next to him is the only one who showed him an ounce of kindness, and yohan is proven to remain loyal to those he loves or trusts in some capacity.

of course, he ends up pitting the rich and the poor kids against one another for their betrayal and making him an outcast. in yohan’s mind, what he did wasn’t necessarily wrong because his sense of justice is based on protection and when people wrong him or those he loves, it’s seeking justice on their behalf or making the situation better - not in the technically right way, but right to him. yohan comes across as a fixer and problem solver.

yohan has a very, very strong sense of trust and loyalty, and we can assume that stems from isaac, who clearly tried to protect yohan from his father, who went out of his way to do so as best as he could as a young kid. yohan values loyalty not because he necessarily wants lap dogs and people to do his bidding. it comes from a place of love and security he’s never really had.

anyway, back to the gala with jinjoo, he does shake the minister’s hand. again, controlled. there are cameras. he also puts his arm around her, and that’s mainly because it’s a battle of the wills, and she’s trying to reprimand him, lol, as if she could. he hugs her a little hard and a little enthusiastically, and you can clearly tell it’s for show.

and then he dances with both jinjoo and sunah. and there is a stark difference between these two scenes. yohan actually teaches jinjoo the proper placement for where she should rest her hands and how to move. he’s actually having a good time with her, and again, it’s actually really cute.

with sunah, he’s reluctant and definitely on guard. he can tell from her demeanor that her intent is with purpose trying to get close to him. at this point in the story, he probably sees it as sunah coming onto him and not because she’s actually the maid from when they were children. when sunah reaches up to whisper in his ear, you can really tell he doesn’t like her being that close to him at all especially because her words may not be overly threatening, but there is purpose behind them, which means yohan’s guards are up. he physically removes her hand and than blatantly turns her down: she tells him that enjoying things alone isn’t fun, and he counters it by saying he’s having a lot of fun.

so at this point to reduce on some screen caps, he meets the minister’s family, has handshakes with her husband and the kid he went after to essentially beat up his car with a mallet, lmao. the handshake is quite funny because they both know what happened. yohan is in control, and that kid is shaking in his boots.

then the explosion happens, and of course, it makes sense that yohan helps gaon after he’s hurt. gaon has never been a threat to yohan, and it’s clear yohan’s not heartless whatsoever, but it’s also poignant to note that gaon helped saved yohan’s life, thus starting yohan’s journey of loyalty to gaon. i think he’s always had his sight set on gaon to begin with, possibly long before he even became an associate judge, but if this was a test, gaon passed it with flying colors because if gaon can rescue a little girl, and he can help an old man who fell off his bike, would he really go the lengths to save yohan who has shown him time and time again his sense of justice is different?

episode three

yohan reacts negatively to soohyun and within good reason when she questions where gaon is. he turns away because for him, the conversation is over, but for her, it’s not. to get his attention, she grabs him when he’s not paying attention, and of course he has a very adverse reaction. at this point, it can be chalked up to disrespect given the fact that he’s a head judge and she’s just a mere cop, but hindsight is 20/20. he does throw her arm off by flicking out his arm. but instead of berating her, he just tells her to catch the culprits who harmed gaon and leaves it at that.

and then of course, everyone’s favorite scene and rightfully so. yohan caring for gaon? very sexy of him. gaon is injured, poses no threat, and as i said above about yohan finding some amount of loyalty in gaon means his physical boundaries aren’t jeopardized. and for that, we get these wonderful scenes of yohan helping gaon as he heals.

and then scenes of him messing around with gaon by hitting him. truth be told, i wonder if this was something him and isaac did as young kids. anyone with siblings know how that goes. fake picking on each other? fake bickering? yeah.

and then it slowly, but surely, it’s revealed that yohan didn’t have the same upbringing as isaac did. our first instance that something at home wasn’t right wasn’t just the conversation with ms. ji and gaon. it’s the flashback with yohan reading in his room when the door opens. he hastily pretends he’s asleep, and you can see he’s visibly shaking and breathing roughly until he realizes it’s isaac who’s there to give him books.

and that’s also when we get our first glance of what kind of abuse yohan suffered from at the hands of his father. it’s clear this isn’t the only incident, and there’s been many times that isaac wasn’t around to help defend him.

it’s also very clear in how yohan acts when he’s terrified and that his abuse has gone on long enough to be a routine pattern in the house. any time he hears heavy footsteps or thinks his father is around, he visibly shakes and gets panicky.

episode four

i include this scene because it’s been noted that a lot of books yohan reads are about humans, human nature, animals, animalistic tendencies, and he says random shit like this that directly points to what he thinks about humanity and humans themselves. we notice this most prominently at the dinner with gaon and jinjoo earlier on when he describes that he likes the feel of the chew and that he cannot taste. he always mentions hunting and prey, and i think this is one of those very clear instances where he actually reveals to gaon what he truly, truly thinks; no gimmicks. this also comes into play later on in ep 6 when elijah is worried about him being out all night. yohan clearly doesn’t trust people at all. he understands their intentions, their motives and how much pain they can cause other people for their own profit and their own gain. it makes sense that he wouldn’t leave his house, especially if he has a strong sense of loyalty to isaac (even after all these years) and caring for elijah.

this is also one of the very direct moments that yohan doesn’t understand family dynamics. when it comes to people, it’s a giant chess game. not only that, later on in the episode when they’re in the car and yohan talks about how people, no matter what, are always the same in front of greed, yohan is cynical, and he expects the bad every single time.

what he reads and the way he words things (here and the discussion of him being a monster, for example) is clearly an indication that he doesn’t trust; that he cannot trust, nor does he want to at this point. yohan doesn’t understand the concept of kindness being given freely (ep 7 when he berates elijah for being used by gaon, telling her she falls for kindness every time). and yet, later on in eps, it’s clear when he’s around the right people and the right mindset (uh, gaon?? lol), he’s constantly putting up a front.

after all in ep 7 when he tells gaon that confidence is key, it literally gives him away not just in the courtroom but in his personal life. there’s a reason he looks softer at home than when he’s not there (the hairstyle changes and clothing).

basically what i’m getting at is this behavior can be seen as a defense mechanism because of his abuse.

then it’s another gala event with gaon and yohan this time. another lovely favorite where yohan helps him get dressed and then proceeds to drag him around and safe him from the lion’s den.

tbh i dont even need to include these, but i’m doing it for the indulgence.

yohan does sorta physically throw gaon as well during the rich people party, but that’s mainly to get him to shut up because he’s trying to show gaon the truth at hand and how all of it’s pretty much a farce.

later on in the episode is when we first have gaon truly attacking yohan verbally, and that’s when yohan snaps. it’s clear that isaac is a trigger for yohan, especially from someone who speaks out of line on something they know nothing about. gaon, truth be told, had a stupid moment confronting yohan the way he did. i don’t know who waltzes up to a proposed murderer and just asks them, lmao.

but here’s the thing, thus far, gaon has not entirely posed a threat to yohan. whether that’s from yohan planting gaon and guiding him exactly where he wants him or gaon just not being as thorough as yohan would like, and he’s trying to tap into that talent, is anyone’s guess. but as i said above, the one thing yohan protects is the things he does care about the most, and he tries to talk himself out of his own feelings. he constantly compares himself to an animal (again, dinner scene with gaon and jinjoo) to justify his actions, and to possibly not feel anything; because that’s easier, isn’t it? not feeling. so on top of gaon calling him a monster and a killer, confronted with the possibility about being a villain in his own brother’s story, obviously sets him off. he beats down his emotions until he’s confronted with it - and this is what gaon also meant in ep 6 about how it’s ridiculous that yohan calls himself a monster over a victim because yohan can’t even see himself in that light. not because he truly believes victims are weak necessarily, but i wonder how much he realizes that what happened to him wasn’t his fault.

to me, and as i just said, yohan convinces himself he’s a monster to make it easier for himself to belief his actions (ep 5 telling gaon some humans are born monsters in relation to himself). it’s not that he inherently thinks he’s wrong, but i think his guidance for what’s right and wrong was misconstrued without a parent figure in his life, especially if he’d read crime and law books as the focus. yohan’s actions, at least quite a bit of them are, are based on a gut feeling of right and wrong. when you think about it and your own sense of justice, how would that differ without the checks and balances in place? what punishment do you think fits the crime if we weren’t bound by written law? yohan thinks any action to protect those he loves is, more or less, justifiable because it’s a means to an end. it’s making a worng right again.

i don’t think yohan is a monster. i think his feelings, and what he knows is love, is misconstrued in terms of how to express it. we see this in episode 7 with his and elijah’s conversation where she’s just trying to be a teen, but his version of love is protecting her without, once again, understanding family dynamics and the pain points of growing up, the learning she has to do on her own. yohan might technically be right; similar to being book-smart but not necessarily street smart. his theory of telling Elijah that she’s soft for kindness and being used was true, but his delivery and the idea that that’s how humans develop doesn’t work. he’s telling her text-book rules, but people don’t live through books. they live through real life. yohan reads to get a sense of fulfillment and to learn. he’s learned his way into adulthood, but that’s not normal.

so uh anyway, back to this familiar scene:

because we don’t know the actual story of isaac’s death, it’s hard to say what role yohan played in his death, but i don’t know that i believe he was the one who did it. the entirety of the devil judge is relying on unreliable narration, so it’s difficult to gauge (for now since we’re on ep 7) how this will turn out and what happened, but to me, it really comes across as yohan upset over the insinuation that he could be the one to cause the death of the one person he loved the most. plus, i think it says a lot that he cares/loves elijah, and she was part of isaac. gaon crossed a thine line. yohan essentially welcomed him in, and this is gaon toeing it. we can also look at this is not gaon being an outsider to their family, but now has become part of the family, and so it’s easier for yohan to be ‘abusive,’ if you will, rather than the perspective of gaon still on the sidelines and pushing too far. by this i mean, the accusations made by gaon threatens their formulating family dynamics.

and once again, the only person he ever actually reaches out for is isaac.

and then we have the aftermath of yohan’s nightmare, where he’s still caught in the dream as gaon comes in, and refuses to be touched after, even if gaon’s intention is to see if he’s okay. yohan makes it very clear to gaon not to touch him, and that’s when elijah comes in with a very accusatory ‘what are you two doing?’ in this moment, yohan is not just vulnerable, but he’s emotionally sensitive. i’ve no doubt he’s still dealing with a form of sensory overload from his dream.

and then, i don’t know that this was necessary? was it necessary?

the following set of scenes are the ones where gaon tells him he’s a victim and he hasn’t confronted his own emotions about his abuse. i think yohan realizes gaon is right to some degree, but it is convoluted, and it’s not so simple to face your own traumas. however, he does for a moment after gaon leaves, remember another instance of abuse he couldn’t stop but wishes he could, wishing a parental figure of sorts would’ve come in to save him like his older self is trying to save the kid version if only he could turn back time, if only he had the power to do what he wish someone else had done for him.

and then the kidnapping scene is just. fucked up in and of itself. it actually makes my skin crawl. not because sunah is scary necessarily, but the lack of autonomy yohan has - especially when we find out later more of sunah’s story. to do something like this after what she’s suffered through makes this scene even more disturbing.

you can see the moment yohan hears heels when sunah (not knowing it’s her yet) comes in. literally the minute he knows someone’s headed his way, he checks the fuck out. his whole face goes slack, especially when sunah reveals herself. and when she’s kissing him? blank as fuck, too. it’s the most dead-eyed stare i think we’ve seen from him.

episode six

so, we get this gem from elijah that i’d like to touch on later. it’s more speculation and just me running through ideas more than it is canon fact. but what it does let us know is that yohan doesn’t seek people out. he prefers to be at home and staying there.

after we get the maid story, and we do get yohan touching sunah’s cheek, and in some fucked up twisted way, this is his way of protecting one of the things isaac cherishes the most. the point of the gesture isn’t just intimidation but serves as an act of intent, of protection in the only way yohan knows how. he’s safeguarding isaac. you can tell he doesn’t actually like sunah at all as a kid, but uses that to his advantage. imagine yohan learning violence for ‘good’ things when his father used violence for ‘bad’ things. what a twisted way of looking at it? and the irony at hand.

additionally, the main reason i’ve included so many varying scenes of yohan touching people isn’t to establish that he’s okay with being touched given how many scenes there are of him randomly shaking people’s hand or touching them. it’s all about context and what the intent is for. most often than not, really way more often than not, yohan only reaches out for people when it’s socially acceptable to do so and because it’s manners. and yet, even in some of those cases, there is still intent behind the gesture.

the moments he acts out the most are when he’s not in front of an audience, when he’s more likely to be alone with his thoughts and is exceptionally more vulnerable to his own triggers.

and i think the scene after he’s back at his house from the kidnapping is noteworthy because it doesn’t just feel like he’s shaking off the effects of the drugs he was given. he seems to visibly trying to compose himself of the mental and physical play he just had to deal with.

the next scene is yohan angry with gaon for taking elijah out. which really, he does have every right to be angry, and one thing i didn’t note above during the ‘you killed your brother’ choke out scene before is that when yohan is backed into any kind of corner, he reacts like a caged animal.

because we’ve already established the scenes with his abuse, his father took his anger physically out on yohan. so how else was yohan supposed have developed the tools to express it? it’s easy to hurt the things you love the most; it’s easy to abuse the ones you know, and between gaon and himself, they both have an unhealthy dynamic because gaon is old enough, strong enough to take whatever yohan gives him. gaon is not family and so there’s still that clear divide and a distinction as to why he lays a hand on gaon but not elijah, for example. gaon can still pose a threat. elijah is family. then again, it can also be said that maybe yohan considers gaon family, and gaon betrayed elijah and therefore yohan, and you don’t do that. not with yohan’s understanding of family dynamics.

but with that said, it begs the question why yohan keeps gaon around, and i think some of that has to do with the fact that gaon surprises yohan. he might’ve set his sights on him long before he became an associate judge or maybe he took interest after gaon was chosen for the role (this is still up in the air), but deep down, yohan sees something in gaon despite his snooping, despite his righteousness. it could be the potential; it could be the fact that gaon could be better than yohan if he just allowed himself to loosen the ropes he’s tied himself with when it comes to the court of law and the justice system.

but here’s the thing that idk a lot of people have really picked up on. gaon is one side of the same coin underneath it all. he’s also provoked yohan with physicality when yohan brought up details about soohyun.

to be fair, we can say that yohan evokes a different type of anger in gaon, one that he hasn’t tapped into for years that allows him to open up to that more physical side of himself he learned to put behind him. gaon doesn’t really come across as the physically threatening type, but yohan does push his buttons and vice versa.

but then, of course, we have the big fight scene where gaon goes in on the attack, and that’s when yohan makes his threat not to attack him ever again. it’d be easy to say he says it based on the merit of him not actually attacking soohyun, but seriously speaking, the intent feels much more than that. more along the lines of asking gaon not to provoke him without warning again because next time might be bad. most of their other fights, especially the one above,have been in the midst of conversation. this time, it’s from a place of complete surprise, and you can tell yohan goes on the defensive when his first instinct is to not just throw gaon back but raise his fist to strike.

episode seven

the only physical contact yohan has with anyone is the president, and that’s when he turns on the live video of the two of them, and it’s clearly intended to be a lowkey threat. he keeps pulling the president back into his side to be on the live camera after the dude tried to come after yohan. i do think it’s hilarious that yohan manipulated the situation with a live component just as the president and the rest of the rich people thought they could turn a live court show into manipulating the public.

and then, of course, the jail scene. the part where he makes gaon stay. he also touches gaon’s shoulder later just before they leave.

episode eight

the most prominent scene in this ep is certainly the scene where sunah comes onto yohan, and you can tell she did it to get under his skin in some way. of course, he’s smart and knows she’s up to something, but i think it’s so interesting how he wraps his fists around hers, almost as if to tame her and prevent her from trying to further put her hands on him.

we also know yohan has no issue with using physical force regardless of who it is (obviously, his dialogue in this scene, too) when he feels caged or trapped. his intention is also to retrieve isaac’s necklace, and i like how he uses literally anything to his advantage. meaning, he’ll use physical touch, his mentality, etc to get what he wants or needs, even if it is marginally uncomfortable to some degree.

and i think that also says alot about him is that he’s able to displace what makes him uncomfortable in moments like this to achieve an end goal.

additional thoughts

i know this isn’t really common with a lot of the characters in general, and could be chalked up to a cultural component, but yohan’s definitely not a hugger.

the other thing i wanted to note is yohan’s seemingly adherence to touch unless it’s for good reason in relation to sex. the main reason i bring it up is because i’ve seen it discussed a bit, especially in regard to elijah’s comment about him not staying out overnight since the fire. there are a few plausible scenarios, maybe more, but for the sake of this, we’ll go for these.

yohan has had past relationships/experience or will in future episodes

day flings

he’s never had an interest in anyone before given his upbringing and abuse and therefore never sought out sex

inexperience could be from lack of interest in other people and sex itself

he’s never found anyone to really connect with and trust in such a way and has avoided it for that reason

and i bring this up mainly because i think it could be something to explore in fanon, but also because i’m kind of annoyed with how people have been talking about yohan being a virgin. i’m not quite sure what the joke is, but lack of sexual experience does not mean naive or that he doesn’t have a sense of humor when that’s clearly far from the truth:

i don’t know that people find it unbelievable because of his age, because of characterization of yohan being more dominant, but none of these things negate this being an option. i think it’s perfectly plausible of a situation (from what we know right now), and truthfully, it would make a whole lot of sense. i just don’t get the jokes about it that i’ve been seeing online (twitter) when there isn’t a mutual exclusiveness to any of it whatsoever.

yohan already has a hard time connecting with people, and i can imagine that level of physicality could be difficult. clearly he knows how to use a version of it to get what he wants. i’ve no doubt he’s used his charms in situations where he’s needed to. yohan knows he has that going for him, at the very least. but sexual appeal and jokes doesn’t mean having a body count any more than it could indicate there being one.

lastly, i also want to pull these paragraphs from @b612sunsets​‘s post because i think they do a much better job than i ever could of explaining, short and sweet, a fundamental part of yohan’s characterization, and mainly what i was trying to get at with this long ass post.

“There's two things we already know about Yohan from the last 6 episodes: he hates being touched when he doesn't see it coming and doesn't have control over it because of the abuse he suffered (I assume). To name a few: Soohyun grabbing his elbow to stop him from leaving and get answers about Gaon, the beggar that touched him while he searched for the fireman, Gaon after punching him and Yohan clearly telling him to NEVER do it again. The impression it gave to us is that if there's a next time he might not be able to stop his instinctive reaction of defending himself and using violence back (something worse than choking or pushing Gaon and he doesn't want to do that with him).

“Unless it's a friendly/small/slow touch like in the breakfast scene when Gaon touches his arm when he gets up to offer them some fruits. When he had the nightmare with Isaac, his walls were up high so even if he could see Gaon's touch coming and it was friendly, he decided to stop it because he was too defensive and sensible to accept the gesture (it would be the first time Gaon started physical contact with him too, he wouldn't be ready for that in such a state).

“The second thing is that Yohan hates when people take what is his or mess with what is important to him. Again, to name a few: Sunah with the necklace when she was a maid, the fireman with Isaac's watch (Yohan made them fall from high places, not caring if they died or not), the guy that fabricated the small bombs that hurt Gaon (Yohan would have burnt his face if "K" hadn't stopped him) and Gaon taking Elijah out of the house to Soohyun without previous notice (a cop and someone he doesn't trust).”

yohan has a very, very large sense of self-preservation for himself and for those he cares about. it’s in his intention, actions, facial expressions, movements, the way he interacts with people. i find it fascinating how calculating he can be, but at home, he’s at his most vulnerable and almost socially unaware and awkward.

yohan is a bit of an irony. he understands people from an action-oriented, instinctual level, but he doesn’t necessarily understand their thoughts and emotions in the waves of nuances that people live through on the daily. like, he gets it to an extent and on a practical level, but he himself is a square trying to fit into a circle - he doesn’t always understand it for himself and has to actively work on social cues so as not to come across as the devil child he was once painted to be.

and let it not be unsaid, yohan really will go to the ends of the earth for family, even if it means stepping out of his comfort zone.

and so anyway, i doubt this offered any real insight, but i think this is my way of breaking all of this down for myself. so, tada!!! lmao

[loveyhoneydovey]

Dating Sam and Joaquín headcanons

Note: I was trying to write headcanons and I couldn't pick which one of them I wanted to write about, so I was like "why not both?" So here's the result, it's a mess and I wrote this at 3AM, I'm so sorry 💀

All my stories are written with a bisexual reader of colour in mind, but anyone else is more than welcome to read them

Sam Wilson x Joaquín Torres x fem!Reader

Warnings: slight mention of injuries, SMUT (lots of filth i'm sorry)

· listen omg, constant entertainment from all three of you, like one of you is always up to something

· ok so i think it started out with only sam and torres

· they had been dating for a while before they first met you, their new neighbour

· you know how torres was fanboying over sam?? yeah, that was nothing compared to how you felt when you first met them

· like maybe you were struggling with the boxes you were carrying during your move because they were so full

· sam and joaquín were on their way home from their morning jog when they saw you, and what kind of people would they be if they didn’t help their cute new neighbour

· when they first introduce themselves, you’re just grateful to see the people in your new building are nice. You also felt like they looked super familiar

· they could see the gears turning in your head when they’d first introduced themselves. Both theorizing about how long it would take you to realize

· and then after like 2 minutes, it hits you, and you feel so dumb

· you try to remain calm and collected since you didn’t want them to think you were crazy or feel like they couldn’t be comfortable in their own home

· they were super chill too, you noticed joaquín was the more talkative one, while sam was content with letting his boyfriend take charge of the convo

· by the end of it you ended up agreeing to hang out together, you promised them baked goods as a thank you for their help

· you’d totally stuttered a few times, and half the time you were staring at them with heart eyes (which joaquín was not used to but sam was jngercewdc have y’all not seen the way torres looks at him whenever they interact?)

· you end up forming a relationship with them, which eventually morphs into something more

· none of you had ever had more than a partner before, so you were all figuring it out together

· torres would be so chaotic. So organized on the field, yet so clumsy at home

· sam is the one that has his shit together (not always but definitely most of the time)

· and when you start dating them, they quickly realize you’re even clumsier than joaquín, and sam’s like “oh no, there’s two of them now”

· ok let’s talk about the good stuff now

· so many freaking cuddles

· post-mission cuddles are a thing in this relationship

· just the three of you laying in bed, holding each other, tracing patterns on each other’s skin, enjoying each other’s presence

· both of them LOVE having their hair played with. only difference is sam has a bit of difficulty asking for it while joaquín will put his head on your lap and put your hand on his hair

· if they come home with minor injuries, you help them clean treat their wounds. The first time this happened, you only had avengers themed band aids (which torres LOVES), so from that point on you only buy those

· on lazy days, after some lazy morning sex, all three of you like to spend the day baking new recipes and eating them in bed

· joaquín getting whip cream on the corner of his lips and on his cheek

· sam making fun of him before you tell him he also has some on his nose

· sam putting whip cream on your face when you least expect it to get revenge

· tickle fights, they used to team up against you until an elbow was once accidentally thrown and someone got a black eye

· you and joaquín love taking cute pics of sam when he’s not looking. He noticed it eventually but never said anything because he thought it was adorable

· both you and joaquín coming home with stray animals and trying to convince sam to let you keep them

· and of course he’s gonna say yes, you two had perfected your puppy eye technique

· he’s that kind of person who says no to getting a pet, then ends up spoiling it more than you and joaquín combined

· you never need a blanket when you’re around them, especially around sam because they’re always so warm

· movie night dates always ended in the three of you doing anything but watching the movie

· both of them flying you with their wings at least once

· you calling them captain and lieutenant in public to tease them

· messing with them by acting like a fan who’s never met them

· like at one point you buy a poster of each one of them and go up to them and you’re like “i’m a big fan, may I get an autograph”, which makes them roll their eyes

· dude they’re also both so playful. Always cracking jokes and even competing to see who’ll come up with the best joke

· the three of you always know you have a home with the two others, and that you can always openly talk about your problems and insecurities without fearing each other’s reactions

· I think sam is the one that has a harder time asking for help. so you and joaquín are more attentive to his body language and any other signs that might reveal that he’s feeling down

· it breaks your heart because he was always taking care of you, joaquín and everyone else, and you needed him to know he was important too

· you decide one day that the three of you should go on vacation every once in a while, because you’d all been working so hard and deserved a little peace

· (also bc shitless sam and shirtless torres)

· imagine eventually they’d give you their dog tags as a way of proposing 🥺 i’m melting

· you had a little ceremony while on a tropical vacation with your closest friends and your pets and had the time of your lives

· you knew you technically couldn’t legally get married, but that didn’t matter. You wouldn’t have it any other way

NSFW headcanons

· now let’s get into the filthy stuff

· whenever you act up, you usually do it around joaquín, because you knew he’d have a harder time saying no or disciplining you

· and he knew you were using that to your advantage, he saw right through it

· yet most of the time it worked

· sam was more of a no nonsense type of person, so if you wanted to break the rules and act like a big girl, he was going to treat you like one

· sam is the ultimate brat tamer and you can’t convince me otherwise

· as a punishment, he loved making you ride his thigh (have y’all seen this man’s thighs? three course meal), but not letting you cum

· whenever you’d whine or pout, he’d remind you that you brought this on yourself

· while joaquín would try to get him to go easy on you, because he took pity on you and kinda has a soft spot for you

· until one day you made the mistake of pushing him too far

· maybe you’d felt like they weren’t giving enough attention, so you threatened to go get it somewhere else. Maybe you even brought up how you could go to that one friend who had a crush on you (you definitely weren’t going to, but you knew how to push their buttons)

· whether you were planning on following through with that threat of not didn’t matter

· you got the punishment of your life on that day

· he’d edged you for hours, to the point where you were crying and trembling and begging him to cum

· so he made you cum, non-stop

· “you wanted me to let you cum, didn’t you? Now take it like a good girl”

· even sam is SHOOK, now he almost took pity on you

· by the time they’re done with you you can barely remember your own name

· they took you to pound town 😌

· ALSO, you’re all switches, and sometimes you enjoy cuffing one of them or being the one giving out the orders

· I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, torres has a praise kink and LOVES being called a good boy

· Sam has one as well, but it’s more discreet

· likes being told how good he’s making the two of you feel, how no one else can do it like him

· ok but aftercare with them would be so soft

· you’re all super attentive to each other’s needs and usually know if it’s time for a bubble bath and cuddles or if you want to be held and drift to sleep

· lazy morning sex!!! just the three of you taking your time, exploring each other without a rush and not worrying about the outside world

· if they’re on a mission together and have a bit of free time, expect lots of nudes and teasing

· or sometimes even videos, which you find not fair because they have each other and you’re all alone

· NFJDNVEF imagine you buy them one of those clone a willy kits as a joke 💀💀💀 but you end up actually using them

· you know how they gave you their dog tags? yeah it drives them crazy whenever they’re fucking you or you’re riding them and they see the tags bounce

· especially those times where you’d wake them up in the middle of the night because you had a wet dream and couldn’t wait till the next morning. Where the only light entering your room would be provided by the moon, sometimes shining on the tags they gave you

· … imagine sometimes two of you decide to team up against the third and compete to see who’ll give them more orgasms 👀the loser has to do whatever the winner wants

· Jdfvfds lord this is such a long mess i’m so sorry

· in conclusion, there would never be a dull moment with those two and they’d be the sweetest, gentlest partners

Tags: @bury-my-love-inthe-moondust

[adobe-outdesign]

BATDS Update Liveblog

I was debating on whether or not to liveblog this, but it seems more substantial than the original release so I guess I will. Spoilers under the cut.

Unfortunately I did spoil myself in regards to Milla being Alice, but I do like the bit of foreshadowing with her voice - you can still tell it’s Lauren doing it, and Susie being a VA means that doing other voices is her thing. it’s a nice touch.

I’m confused on what Boris is doing with the corpses. I’m assuming he’s opening their ribs, but they’re already open? And it doesn’t make sense as to why there’s tapes there (okay, maybe Millia’s makes sense, but I’m assuming other character’s tapes can spawn as well).

I like that you can pick up the hearts and Norman just kind of yells at you but doesn’t even bother hunting you down

is there any point to these wall holes? they just seem to be there for no reason

just gonna headcanon that Susie’s father actually was a butcher and she figured she’d work that into her fake backstory

Kind of concerned about that one Wally tape because it mentions the ink moving like in DCTL. Unlike the infections, the Venom shit just... does not work or add anything to the plot, and I’m hoping it won’t be a major plot element here or in BATDR (though I don’t mind the ink seeming to move a little, it’s more when it’s just straight-up conscious that shit starts getting kind of stupid)

I realize Milla’s just Alice trying to... lure in Boris, I’m guessing? But I do wish her tapes had more variety. They’re all just “this fucking sucks save me” and it’s starting to get repetitive.

Then again, it is kind of clever foreshadowing, given that they’re all fake. Makes sense for Alice to ham it up.

I’m assuming the Alice ending is an alternate ending and not canon? would be kind of fun plot twist though if she steals the heart of this Boris and it turns out this was a previous Boris living in the safehouse, and ours doesn’t move in until after this one dies. Then again, the sound of Henry entering the studio doesn’t make a lot of sense if it doesn’t happen anytime soon after this.

BATIM now has FNAF-style jumpscares

it amuses me that boris runs out of stamina by running for like 5 seconds. does he have the metabolism of a hummingbird

I wish the jumpscares were more creative. They’re kind of awkwardly animated and pretty generic

alice recording these like “Boris I swear to god get your bitch ass over here or I’ll hunt you down and disembowel you myself”

AND BEHIND DOOR A IS... A NEW CARE

why was Alice just sitting behind this door anyway. how long was she waiting back there for boris to finally find the damn key

(also that’s kind of funny if he is wally adkflj)

I really like the attention to detail here - might make a post about this, but Alice’s dialogue indicates she used to be more deformed, and has slowly been fixing herself with the hearts. Sure enough, this a prequel, and Alice does look more deformed. It’s good lorebuilding and attention to detail.

and while it makes sense for her to be less deformed, I’ve always wanted to see a more monstrous version of her. This delivers nicely, 10/10

so she doesn’t... kill him? what the hell was the point of that then? esp because she just... sat there and let him leave when it should have been stupidly easy to close the door on him?

also, why in the piss does Alice not kill him when he’s in the station? Bendy seems to be implied to not do it because he enjoys fucking with people, Norman’s mindless, but Alice knows he’s in there and has no reason not to grab him. I know the technical reason is “gameplay” but it feels sloppy.

or she looks exactly the same and that illustration was just stylized. fuck me I guess

boy oh boy it sure is suspicious that the game just happens to be comparing Boris’ score to Wally’s score and is possibly a game he himself made and it’s one of the main things you have to unlock

I’m going to read some transcripts of tapes because it’s gonna be hard to find them in Let’s Plays. hopefully I’ll hear them while watching later or someone will comp together a video of them all, but for the sake of liveblogging I’ll just read for now.

I’m genuinely curious as to why Thomas would steal from Shawn. He doesn’t have a reason to, and it doesn’t seem in-character for him. I smell shenanigans

I’m wondering if this “Nathan” dude is the Unknown tape from BATDR? He doesn’t have a South American accent but it’s not clear if Nathan was born in South America or just moved there. I’m mostly wondering because he and Joey are friends, Joey specifically called on him to help out (which he didn’t apparently), and Unknown knows about the studio and seems to have almost taken over at some point (if it’s an AU or something). And I don’t know why else they’d bring up a new character unless it dies into BATDR somehow.

Final Thoughts:

The good:

They did a really good job improving on this game.- the original wasn’t really bad, it was just a solid Meh. This actually has a bit of plot, more interesting character tapes that actually have meaning, and more lore. I didn’t bother buying the original because it didn’t really seem all that interesting, but now I probably will grab the mobile version.

Hearing from old characters again

Getting to face off against more canon enemies rather than just Bendy

Something resembling a plot

The bad:

The subplot with Millie was clever and interesting... but it feels pointless because it doesn’t amount to shit. I mean, Alice chases you afterward, but that could have happened without that subplot and it would’ve made just as much sense. And like I mentioned earlier, Boris escaping in the first place doesn’t really make sense and feels like it only happened because this is a prequel.

Some things, like Alice not entering the Miracle Stations, feel like they exist only for the gameplay and are pretty sloppy. Environmental storytelling doesn’t really work if things only happen for the sake fo gameplay and nothing else.

It doesn’t really... end? We’ll see if future updates keep adding to it, but the original, while not technically “ending”, had a resolution with Boris remembering who he was briefly and Henry entering the studio, even if you could keep playing afterward. Here, it feels like the Alice part should have been the ending... but then it introduces another character and keeps going for another round, except when you complete that nothing actually... happens. It’s weird.

So basically, this was a pretty solid update.and a surprising improvement on the original. Would recommend.

[borisbubbles]

26. SWITZERLAND

Gjon’s Tears - “Répondez-moi”

*GASP* I DON’T LOVE GJON’S TEARS!!!! JK He’s perfectly fine, imo. You guys know that I like to divide my songs according to the trafflc light scheme (green = good, yellow = meh, red = bad). “Répondez-moi” is like a very, *very* pale shade of chartreuse - I almost like it. But I do have a few caveats that prevent me committing myself to it. 

Song Analysis

On the surface, this is a lowkey brilliant entry. “Répondez-moi” is very cleverly put together, using Gjon’s wide register to create a gender-ambiguous, emotionally ridden tone, further reinforced by a simple, yet effective flurry of guitar strings and edm percussive noises. 

Ho boy, two paragraphs in and I’m already otno the technical stuff - probably the biggest indicator of how unimpressed I am by this song. Good Music, snooooore where’s the funtrash at (safely tucked inside the upper half of the ranking, d’uh) I can appreciate “Répondez-moi”’s technical brilliance and I can appreciate it more here than I did with “Fai Rumore” or “Divilji Vjetre”, because unlike those two, Répondez-moi actually *is* contemporary and original. It accomplishes exactly what it sets out to do. 

However, if I’m honest, the only thing I outright like is how you could argue GHOSTING as a narrative theme for this song - “I AM READY TO THROW IN THE TOWEL! ANSWER ME!!! :read at  22:23:” is a pretty fun pretend-meaning to be slapping onto this song. Sadly, I know French and I know that a lie, tragique, je sais. The real meaning, as far as I can gather is about ~the inability to come with the capriciousness of life and death~ or some pseudo-philosophical meandering spliced into the song to make it look intelligent WELL SORRY TO SAY YOUR SONG IS NOW ABOUT GRINDR GHOSTING, GJON, I HAVE *DECIDED*!!!!

“Répondez-moi” is absolutely one of those songs which are caught up by their own competency. You see, entries such as these come just barging in all “THIS IS HIGH QUALITY AND YOU WILL LIKE IT” and well, unlike the “I AM SOPHISTICATED, I USE *~*PITCHFORK*~*” crowd, I really just don’t care so long as the humanizing component I desperately need to cling to remains absent. 

 “Répondez-moi” feels like it is a good song, but at the same time listening to it also feels like sitting through a fucking TED-Talk. It’s the “How To Click with Everyone Every Time” amongst this batch of songs  and while I do feel like it accomplishes precisely what it sets out to be without ever being tedious or uninteresting, I don’t feel any sort of personal connection. Maybe if Gjon had some live charisma to show for (which is largely absent from the VC - maybe that’s just a Me Thing but Gjon’s muffin hair completely neuters his sex appeal for me), but alas. 

Oh and, there’s another reason why I don’t rly care that much about Gjon: This year had *so many* “Répondez-moi”s (many of which didn’t even win their NFs? Carrying that torch for Moniqué, Barbora Mochowa and Dotter), and I like the gross of them more. Downside of being an internal selectee is that the journey only starts once rehearsals do. 

Switzerland 2020 vs Switzerland 2021

Gjon fans claim that Gjon could’ve won ESC 2020 and well... not rly? First of all, Victoria and Roxen both exist and draw from the same votepool, so he would require better staging. Secondly, yes he got SJB, but everyone was already eating out of Victoria’s hand from the moment she was announced and besides, SJB was already busy working her magic towards making Tornike the break-out star of the year. Thirdly, BABY, I CAAAAAAAN’T WAIT TO KNOW WHADOYUTINKABOUTINGS ::twerks in teal tracksuit::

I do love the (only existing in the minds of clinically insane Eurovision nerds) pattern of “Switzerland wins every 32 contests with a French-speaking ballad” though. I guess we’ll never know :-) 

oh yeah and ofc he’s back in 2021, post-Zibbz switzerland aren’t dumb.

Congratulations top 25:

Freaky! Friday! Factor!

OMG I remember when the first rumours of Gjon’s Tears came around, and a preview spoiled the Swiss song *wasn’t* in English or German (but in a language a German-Swiss man wasn’t able to recognize), there was some RAMPANT wild spec that Gjon, who is Kosovar-Swiss, might be singing in ALBANIAN AND FRENCH. 😍

Imagine how SICK that would’ve been had this actually come to fruition. Gjon wouldn’t just have murdered Arilena. He would’ve molecularly disassembled her inside a gravitron collider and then would have force-fed the substrate to Mikaela Mingle herself. That shit WOULD have been hilarious, except, it never happened, kinda like how Eurovision 2020, and me having a career never really happened. 

I can (and will) hand out a few Senheads for Gjon though. Not only is “Répondez-moi” the first *truly* competent (as in: release me outside of esc and I survive in the hit parades) Swiss entrant since... idk...”Canzone per te”? “Io Senza Te”? “Ne T’en Vas Pas”??? A long, long time, probably before you and I were born. It’s also in FRENCH, not English and probably would’ve cemented Switzerland’s renaissance into a decent Eurovision country. The entry itself isn’t too exciting to me, but its potential place inside the canon definitely could have been. 

Score: 3 Senhits out of 5:

[quietlysatan]

Hale Sandwich ~ DiscontentedWinter, AO3

Link: Here!!

Rating: Explicit for lot’s of lemon, and maybe grapefruit??

Favorite Quote(s): Oh Jesus. He wants to provide for Stiles. He can actually imagine himself beaming proudly as he hands over a brace of dead rabbits and, because this is his fantasy, Stiles doesn’t even look faintly disgusted. Instead, he smiles, delighted, and thanks Derek with the sort of quiet sincerity that, honestly, Derek has never seen Stiles display in all the time he’s known him. Sincere? Sure. Quiet? Fuck no. Derek needs to work on the quality of his fantasies, or at least learn to better suspend his disbelief.

And

Yep. Derek would rip his still-beating heart right out of his own chest. 

And

Of course, he’s always had terrible judgment when it comes to getting laid.

And (I’m posting too much but I can’t help it)

Peter smiles as Derek folds like a cheap suit. And, under the weight of Stiles’s wide-eyed hopefulness, who could blame him? Peter’s certainly not enough of an asshole to refuse the kid, is he? It would be a downright cruelty to deny him. No, Peter’s being the picture of selfless generosity and charity, offering Stiles his dick. He’s Mother Fucking Teresa right now.

And, because we all know Peter Hale is a lying liar who lies, but we love him (In fanon where he’s usually, if not always, better written because honestly it’s hard to fuck up all that potential even worse though to be fair I have seen it, sadly.) anyways

Peter’s smile grows.

Mother Fucking Teresa.

And another one that I can’t put because it’s explicit, but it’s got something to do with Stiles oral fixation and it’s in chapter one, right after the start of everything

And this, both because OUCH MY HEART!! and also because, Awwwe, That’s why he’s so childish with his threats, how adorable!!!

The list of things that make Derek want to punch Peter is the head is ever-expanding, actually. Derek’s been updating it since he was about five. It could fill the Library of Congress by now.

One more!! LAST ONE!! LAST ONE I SWEAR TO MYSELF SINCE, TECHNICALLY I, as Satan, can’t swear to god, so like, I don’t know??? I swear to Satan, but like me as Satan Satan???

Oh, Peter likes Stiles. The boy never backs down from a challenge, even when he should. Humans are so fragile and squishy. Stiles has all the attitude of a much hardier creature. It’s either ambitious or deluded. Whatever it is, Peter approves.

Words & Chapter(s): 10,947 two chapters; though I suppose you could just ignore the second chapter if you don’t want to read the knotting, I will add that it doesn’t last long, and it’s really not that bad all things considered. A very accurate portrayal of a virgin, and someone’s first time having Certain Interactions with a weird Certain Male Body-part.

Summary: It's exactly what it says on the box.

Score: Everything this author writes is ten and up. Even the angst that I’ve gotten around to reading. I can’t decide so I’m ranking it 10.5, which is still really good, and I might read it again someday

Pairing(s): Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski/Peter Hale, BUT Peter and Derek aren’t together, Peter is more like an occasional third that’s slightly necessary for Stiles and Derek to move on to the next stage because Stiles is just as bad at emotions as Derek is, for all that he rarely shuts up. Funnily enough, most people like Stiles are like that though.

Warning(s): Hypothermia, but it’s quickly cured, I’m not sure that it’d take this long normally but Stiles might be a little magical or something so let’s roll with it, who knows, maybe werewolves have magically healing dicks I think I read something somewhat similar one time, but that’s literally all I can remember; I can’t even remember the fandom.

Stiles is a few weeks shy of eighteen, months is one thing, I don’t actually care about weeks because very little will change in two or three weeks my guys, BUT if you’re worried about that it’s completely okay, remember, you can always click the back button, there is no shame in self-care.

Knotting. First things first, I think the knotting happens after Stiles is 18, but I’m not sure, regardless 14-21 days from eighteen doesn’t make any difference to me, but still.

Pros: Derek would never admit it, not even to himself, but there’s something strangely empowering about watching another man undress Stiles. Maybe it’s the way that Stiles pinks up with a blush, and keeps glancing over at Derek looking for silent assurance that this is okay. He’s suddenly shy, his scent sharp with anxiety, and it’s Derek his gaze is seeking. Peter might be the one touching him, but Derek knows that Stiles is totally focussed on him.

This fic is really good at drawing lines, but keeping it comfortable, the characters, as per usual to this author, are very in character in the actions and personality, while also having a certain flair that the Teen Wolf show, lacked, for reasons We’ll Never Know. Derek has issues, and even though this is just a lemon fic basically, they’re still present, BUT not in an uncomfortable way ya’know? Stiles is still a little shit, Peter is still manipulative, but they have a reason for why they’re doing what it is that they’re doing. Derek’s not panicking for the sake of panic, Peter’s not Just Like That, Stiles has Something he wants, like, the characters are very, in character; I don’t think I can put it any better, not unless I were just linking the authors profile and telling you that even if it is an AU it’s still honest, and realistic, and true to the characters....

Author’s account, where the characters always act like they probably actually would if Teen Wolf had better writers and direction. Even if it’s an Alternate Universe sometimes.

Also, the porn is readable, understandable, and I am never once left wondering what’s happening to who, by who which is always really fucking great.

Okay, I REALLY don’t like knotting, it’s right up there with Mpreg and ABSOLUTELY ANY FANFICTION AT ALL THAT INCLUDES THE WORD BOYPUSSY WTF PLEASE STOP MAKING THAT A KINK THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS. But, and hear me out on this, But, the way it is done here? Is amazing, it’s talked about, it’s explained, there’s a process and there’s consent, and honestly, as much as I’d fucking love to go more into detail, I can’t without spoiling it. I will say, however, that it only lasts for a little bit regardless of the fact that the whole second chapter is technically about that.

Gif Aesthetic: okay this isn’t it but I couldn’t help myself wtf this is hysterical!!!

Stiles

Sorta

And technically yes, but also technically no :/ but it’s as close as I could find to what I meant

[salty-donut-collecter]

Why Not?

Part Twenty-Three 

Twenty-Two      {Masterlist}     Twenty-Four

Chapter Word Count: 1638

Trigger Warnings: This is a very dramatic chapter honestly, so uhh

People get hurt, yelling, crying, mentions of neurodiversity 

Please tell me if I need to tag anything else :)

*Also, I’m planning on having this story as a slow burn, so please be prepared :)

Prompts: “Do I look like I give a fuck?”, “I don’t know what I’m feeling, but I’m feeling a lot of  it.”, and “Not to dictate your life, but drop your shitty friends.”

A/N: Okay, so this gets... interesting. I'm not going to tell you how things go in the future, but know that this is a very dramatic turn and I guess I just wanted to warn you a bit before I posted it. I'll answer questions as long as it doesn't spoil anything, so feel free to ask away

Happy reading! (Also, feel free to comment your thoughts! I love reading comments :))

Also, if you’d like to be added to the tags list, please let me know! :D

      _____________________________________________________

You walked down the stairs seeing red, your eyes probably glowing as you couldn't help but hear the numerous amounts of thoughts running through everyone's heads. Complete focus wasn't there. The world blurred, mixed with reds and blacks. Accents of sunlight making everything feel like the Greybeyond from Lord of The Rings after Frodo had put the ring on.

When you get to the living room, you don't stop. The room quiets as everyone starts to stare. Within moments, you have a full room of eyes on you. Their thoughts won't stop, they're clouding your mind like smoke in a strip club.

Through all the noise, you heard Steve speak.

"Y/n, what're you--" his voice was low, like he was talking to an enemy, so you had no moral conflict in interrupting him.

"All of your kids are neurodivergent, and are currently suffering." You practically growled, "And yet you guys are continuing to argue so LOUD without ANY consideration for your children-- the children you chose to adopt and take care of." you spit, your hands balling into fists.

You saw Bucky's face go pale. He glanced at the exit.

A dry chuckle escaped your lips. "You really think they want to see you? After everything they've just listened to?" another sarcastic huff. "Why don't we settle this somewhere they won't hear you?"

Snap.

Your hand was still up when Steve's shield hit your face. Your jaw dislocated-- or maybe it broke. You weren't quite sure. Either way, you took your hand, which was still in its previous position of post-snapping, and used it to relocate your jaw. Seconds later it was healed.

"I'd like to say I'm a very sympathetic person, Steve," You took a breathe, still overwhelmed by the overlapping voices that were composed of everyone's thoughts, "That's why I'm maintaining my composure."

Another breath. You blink.

"However, becoming unhinged and attacking me out of nowhere won't do anyone any good for multiple reasons." you frowned, "I figured, since you'd been the one to teach Maverick that, that you too would understand the concept." your frown deepened, "But I guess being wrong is today's family trend." you sigh.

The place you'd transported everyone wasn't actually real. Technically, they were all still in the living room, passed out. Would you tell them that yet? No, but it helped when you thought about Steve throwing his shield at you thinking it'd actually do anything to you. He had seen you fight, after all.

So yes, instead of actually attempting to teleport them anywhere (which was only something you'd thought you might be able to do), you made it look like you'd teleported them to Château du Guildo, Créhen, France. They were awkwardly standing in the ruins' courtyard during a chill, starry night.

You made things as realistic as possible to evade any suspicion. However, Tony, who was just wearing a tee-shirt, was almost shakey with his arms crossed because you hacked into everyone's hypothalamus (which controls how you feel temperature--Bruce had you learn the known parts of the brain to make your job "easier") so they could feel their surroundings. You used to do things like this for HYDRA as a method of torture, but you tried not to let those types of thoughts enter your mind right now. You didn't need that. You needed to stay focused and concrete.

The more you thought about the way Katie looked at you as you looked

Around at the people your siblings called parents, the more your anger started to boil.

"Now that we have you out of the house," you forced yourself to calm down a little, rubbing the very realistic pain that was still present in your cheek, "What in the fucking UNIVERSE WAS THAT ABOUT?!" You didn't quite scream, but you wanted to--oh how you wanted to.

The so-called Avengers just looked down for a moment.

Then, of course, Steve fucking spoke up.

"Well," he looked around at his teammates, which apparently didn't include you anymore. What a shame. "Some of us don't think you should be... included on the team anymore."

A laugh, one that was so dry and sarcastic, it almost became real, left your lips. "That's rich." You chuckled, wiping a fake tear from your eye.

"Y/n, they're serious." Tony gave you a concerned dad look.

Your semi-forced smile dropped, "I know how serious he is, Tony." You Looked over to Sam, already knowing he was probably on Steve's side. He always was, after all, "They think I'm still controlled by HYDRA. They think I'm a double agent."

Sam stepped up, "HYDRA has nothing to do with this."

Vision chimed in for a moment, "Y/n, we think you're... unstable." he looked at you with a sincerity that no one else seemed capable of, "We only wish to expand your mental stability in order to prevent more outburst that could possibly cause harm towards others. Particularly Katie, and her siblings."

Tony stepped up, now just as angry as he probably was before, "Y/n wouldn't lay a finger on that girl and you know it!" he furiously spat, his hands shaking as he angrily pointed a finger at Vision.

"Tony, we're not saying she'd want to do anything." Steve seemed desperate to make Tony understand, you realized he'd probably been trying all night and getting nowhere. "No one in their right mind would want to hurt that little girl, but--"

"And when was the last time Y/n was in the wrong mindset?" Pietro asked, stepping up to Steve boldly, "When was the last time she did anything without a reason?" he asked, his arms disdainfully swinging at his sides.

Rhodey gave him a pointed look, "What do you call hacking into our locked files and illegally copying them to her laptop?" he asked.

"I call it finding the answers she should've had access to in the first place as a member of the Avengers." Wanda looked at Rhodey like she was reminding him of the fact that she could tear him to pieces in a matter of moments, and that she was definitely thinking about it.

"That's like giving Peter access to all of our files" Natasha rolled her eyes.

"He has access to all of our files," Tony corrected, "He's just too distressingly polite to look through them without our permission." He added.

Peter, who wasn't too far away, nodded. "I feel bad if I don't ask Mr. Stark first, but I do have access to everything, just like Mr. Stark and Steve," he told them. "I thought Y/n had full access too, so I didn't really think anything of it when I heard she hacked us, because what else are you supposed to do when you don't have the password and everyone else is asleep, right?" He nervously chuckled and watched himself shift his feet due to the vast amounts of attention he'd just accidentally earned.

"Besides, what's it to you anyway?" Clint just looked done with everyone, "We're prepared to deal with her if she does lose her shit, which isn't going to happen btw," he paused to take a sip from the coffee pot no one had noticed he had, "and it's not like she's as difficult as Barnes was!" Another sip, "Like, I love the kids as much, if not more, than you do, but she's not a threat to them. They love each other too much." He gave Steve a side look, "Almost like you and Barnes," he commented, proceeding to take a long, loud drink of his coffee as the rest of the world processed what he'd said.

Steve blushed, but didn't let Clint get to him.

"I still think that we just need to make sure--"

"What, exactly?" you snapped, "Because, I don't think there's literally anything for you to be worried about, Steve." You'd slowly become calmer in this atmosphere. It wasn't getting out of hand anymore, and it was more of a debate now. However, hearing Steve had caused your blank expression to fade into a blatantly irritated frown/scowl situation.

"We just want to make sure you're... yourself." Sam tried to reason, "We want to make sure you're well enough to have full control of yourself--"

"So it is about HYDRA?" you interjected, already knowing how the rest of his statement would've sounded.

No one said anything.

You scoffed, "unbelievable." you look up to the heavens you hoped didn't have to see this, "To think I believed you when you told me I was a part of the team. That you thought I was all better and wanted me here because I made a good edition." you threw your hands up as tears started to form in your eyes, "And all that other complete bullshit you were feeding me." You laughed, your voice breaking, "When all you really wanted was another helpless mess that wanted nothing more than to try and make up for all the horrible things they'd done. You wanted someone just trying to change-- because after James, Pietro, Wanda, really everyone here, you just couldn't get enough. You just love a sob story, huh?!" You sniffed, looking down at everyone around. Most everyone just had their heads down in shame.

You smiled, nodding as the tears started to fall. The overlapping voices weren't helping, but you could barely hear them anymore. Not over the quickly developing silence that your brain demanded.

"Not even a word." You continue to nod, not knowing what else to do, "I get it. I see." A sad, sinister smile appears on your face as an idea popped into your head.

"That's alright," You stopped nodding, smiling at the floor and whispering, "that just means you won't mind when I leave."

With that statement, you look up just in time to see everyone's final face of panic before--

Snap.

_____

Taglist: @introvertedsin @galacticalstarcat @acidrain707

[pellicano-sanguino]

Wasted potential in fiction is worse than a story that’s just bad overall.

If someone had asked me couple years ago what vampire books I liked the most, one I would have definitely brought up was Vampire Winter by Lois Tilton. 

It’s a post-nuclear story, where a vampire is at first joyful that the fallout clouds cover the sun both day and night so he is free to hunt whenever he wants but things get worse rather soon. Turns out humans who have been exposed to the radiation have turned undrinkable, poisonous for even vampires. Also, the amount of survivors is small and getting lesser by the day as desperate people leave their shelters to find food and supplies and run from looters, risking radiation poisoning. The vampire who used to kill his victims without mercy is at a situation where he can’t afford to lose a single healthy human to avoid starvation. So he strikes a symbiotic deal with a bunch of humans: since he is unaffected by radiation, he will wander out and bring them food, medicine, even books to pass their time, in exchange for blood donations. This is what I remembered from the book, and thought it good, because I’m a sucker for interesting relationship dynamics between a vampire and their donors.

However, I re-read the book recently and was surprised. It wasn’t nearly as good as I remembered it. The interesting symbiotic relationship between the vampire and his donors only lasts a short period of the book and then they go their separate ways and the vampire for some weird reason just goes back to killing his victims again. Also, there was a lot of completely unnecessary violence towards women. The book tries to have a message of “in hard times it’s better to spare lives and co-operate than divide into groups all against each other” and that “every life is precious” but then goes and has the donors leave behind a mentally handicapped girl for the vampire to kill because she would just be “a burden” for the survivors. Also, there’s a fucking gang rape scene. I’m...   confused...   how did I ever convince myself this was a good book?!

The problem was that my memories were too focused on the one part of the book I found super fascinating. The vampire-donor symbiosis plot was such a great story idea that I actually forgot the rest of the book is shit. I was too intrigued by the story’s potential I failed to notice it doesn’t properly utilize the great idea it had and just turns into a gross masculine violence fantasy.

It’s a shame, because with little changes, this could have been an awesome book. But it completely wasted its potential and left me much more disappointed than would have been the case if it were just a regular old shitty vampire novel with nothing new and interesting added.

I just finished a new book that has the same problem and it infuriates me. It’s a book that has some really great parts but then goes and ruins everything. This book is called Pure Mua (”Bite Me”) by Terhi Tarkiainen. I know, writing about a Finnish book in Tumblr might be useless, since what are the chances Finnish vampire enthusiasts will find my posts, but I want to vent my frustration about it somewhere. So here goes.

Finnish vampire fiction is a rare species. There are some short stories but the only novel I can think of is Jarkko Laine’s Vampyyri, which is a very...   specific Finnish literature category; a “tuskapaskakirja” (literally, pain-shit-book) where everyone is miserable and things just get more and more depressing until the whole garbage reaches a lame anticlimax like a bowl of ice cream I accidentally put in the refrigerator instead of in the freezer. Not my kind of book. So, when I heard the rare species had spawned a new book, Pure Mua, I got curious.

My expectations about the book were mixed. I generally don’t like modern Finnish literature. The few books of it that I had to read back in high school or by getting them as gifts were at best incredibly boring and at worst insufferable pretentious artsy junk. However, this book looked like it aimed to be entertaining, not fake deep and for intellectuals only. It whispered a promise of genuinely embracing its own cheesiness. And, well, I do like cheese.

So I read the book. And my opinions remain conflicting with one another. I can’t really say if I liked it or not because for every part that was done well there was something that seriously rubbed me the wrong way.

The story itself is really well written. The text flows naturally and is pleasant to read, the narration is occasionally very witty and humorous. The plot twists are unpredictable which is unfortunately rare in this genre. Vampire fiction is so full of reused story ideas that they often turn out rather predictable. But this book surprised me several times. Of course, unpredictability shouldn’t be valued by itself. Writers who intentionally lead the reader in one direction only to pull a carpet under their feet or who make their characters behave in unreasonable and inconsistent manner just to get a juicy plot twist, usually don’t produce good quality stories. These plot twists however feel natural and well planned, not there just for the shock value. The plot also escalates constantly, forcing you to read chapter after chapter because you don’t want to leave it at an intense cliffhanger.

Since the vampire fiction is full of reused story ideas, it’s rare that I come across a book that has something I haven’t seen before. The basic premise of this book is that since vampires aren’t classified as humans, human rights don’t apply to them and there’s a ring of illegal slave trade where a “kennel” produces “specimens” for the rich assholes who want to turn their fantasies of dating a hot vampire into reality. Human trafficking basicly, only with vampires. I have not bumped into this story idea before. Usually the power dynamics are reversed, the vampires being the cruel monsters who do horrible things to humans. I know the whole “humans are the real monsters”-trope is old and overused, but surprisingly rarely does it happen in vampire fiction. I guess it’s because to a lot of friends of this genre vampires are a power fantasy and they wouldn’t enjoy seeing them tamed and subjected to something as horrifying as human trafficking.

So, the book turns the traditional vampire/human power dynamics upside down. However, the protagonist actually doesn’t want the pet vampire her nutty parents bought her as a birthday present. She tries to find a way to safely release him back “into the wild” but has trouble coming up with a solution on how to do it and ensure he won’t be recaptured by the trafficking ring again (since he is chipped). 

Next I’m going to spoil the last plot twist of the book. Turns out the trafficking ring is led not by humans but by a loony communist vampire who has a diabolical plan. He intentionally made vampire pets a trend among the filthy rich and then once every elite household in Finland has one, he intends to shut down the safety chips that give the vampires electric shocks if they attack their masters and let the hungry, abused, vengeful vampire slaves drink all the greedy capitalist pigs.

And this is...   supposed to be the main villain of the book. I’m supposed to be appalled and horrified by this impending slaughter of innocent humans. Well. Does it make me a monster if I say I think this is a great plan? Everyone who buys a personal sex toy from a human trafficking ring deserves to be devoured by ravenous vampires. The fact that the victims of slavery aren’t technically human here changes nothing since their intelligence is identical to ours. And creeps who would buy a vampire would definitely buy a woman or a little girl too. 

Everyone who thinks slavery is a fun hobby that the elite should be allowed to do again deserves to be killed by their slave.

The slavery theme is one of the reasons I have such conflicting opinions about this book. It’s such a horrifying scenario and you really, really want to see the main vampire freed from it, you want to see him and the main character succeed in their attempt to destroy the vampire slave trade. But then the book decides to focus less on the horrors of slavery and...    actually romanticize prostitution. The vampires in this book’s universe are all nymphomaniacs and addicted to sex. Umm...   ok, your world, you do what you want. But I really can’t stand the stereotype of seductive, nymphomaniac prostitutes, who do it because they enjoy their “work”, considering how the harsh reality of prostitution is something completely different. “She likes it anyway” is a lie slimy old men tell one another to feel less guilty when they go to Thailand to “play minigolf.” Hurk. Hork. Barf. I know this is fiction and the vampires aren’t human (and we don’t see female vampires) but I really wish people would stop writing this character type. Also, I hate stories where a noble person saves a prostitute and is “rewarded” by their love (in other words, gets to fuck the prostitute anyway, feeding into the idea that “nice guys” who protect women from creeps deserve sex as a reward.)

I give the book one point for the scene where the protagonist starts to caress her slave when she’s super drunk but then is startled and horrified at what she did, thinking that she has become a monster.

If there’s one thing I hate even more than romanticizing prostitution, it’s sexual violence. Thank goodness this story doesn’t have that but it’s bad enough that one male vampire constantly threatens the protagonist with rape. And I’m supposed to care about this guy and worry about what will happen to him. There’s something so disgustingly...   male...   in the thought process that when you want to hurt someone, your first thought is rape. When a woman sees a person they love being abused by someone, she might beat the abuser into a fine pulp but no, women do not rape, women do not use sex as a torture devise. If a guy gets hard from anger and wants to fuck someone he hates there is something seriously wrong with him and he needs to seek help. Men are scum!

This book isn’t a particularly pleasant read for a feminist anyway. With the exception of the protagonist, all female characters are lazily written, unconvincing, misogynistic cardboard cutouts. Male characters on the other hand are, with the exception of the main villain, painted as flawed but sympathetic. The protagonist has a stalker ex who doesn’t understand the concept of “no.” I was convinced this creep would turn out to be a villain in the end, trying to kill the protagonist because “if I can’t have you, no one else can!” Because everything he said and did kept raising the red flags. But no, I’m supposed to find him charming and loveable and his stupid bratboy jokes soooo hilarious. The book wants me to think of all the women except protagonist as either mean-spirited bitches or dumb blondes (your “I’m not like other girls”-complex is showing...) and feel sympathy towards a creepy stalker and a guy who threatens women with rape. Right. Is this some het culture bullshit or just what exactly am I not getting? Also, if your only way to make the heroine likeable is to turn all the other women into cartoonishly evil or ridiculously immature and stupid so that she'll look better in comparison, the reader will become suspicious of her character (because exaggerating the faults in others while claiming you yourself are perfectly innocent is a strategy used by narcisstic, manipulative jerkfaces).

I’m also rather disappointed that the book relies on stereotyping Fenno-Swedes. Fenno-Swedes are the Swedish speaking minority, descendants from rich Swedes that were given land here back when Finland was part of Sweden. Because many of them are still in the upper class, having inherited their ancestors land and wealth, the middle and lower class Finnish speaking Finns tend to be racist towards them, considering them smug elitists and disgustingly rich capitalists who never had to work for their wealth. Making the main character a Fenno-Swede and then giving her behavior that strengthens the prejudice against “bättre folk” is just really lazy writing, it’s like having a romani character and having her do shoplifting. Sure, the protagonist wants to be different than her gross parents who would buy a sex slave as a gift, but her attitude towards money is the same indifference. Oh, I smashed my phone to pieces because the phone call made me angry. Oh well. Pappa betalar. 

There’s a scene where the protagonist and the stalker ex witness a protest that consists simultaneously of racists who want to close the borders and unemployed who blame the government for their poverty (right. You really want to draw “equals as” sign between crazy nationalist bigots and unfortunate people trapped in unemployment hell? Fuck you, fuck you so much.). The protagonist asks where all this hatred comes from and the stalker ex explains that when a person is in a bad situation in life they seek scapegoats to blame for their troubles, whether that be foreigners or politicians. But since we’ve already gone the route of giving the protagonist stereotypical Fenno-Swede behaviour, why not let her voice the opinion of “If the lower class is angry at the upper class it’s because they project unfair blame onto the rich, surely their suffering has nothing to do with the elite’s greed and misuse of power.” Now, opinions like this wouldn’t matter to me normally, because characters are allowed to be flawed, but when those flaws rely on harmful stereotypes, it’s disappointing.

I want to like this book. It’s so genuine and entertaining and well written. But I threw up in my mouth so frequently while reading it that I don’t think I care to read it another time. If it was written a little differently, I would probably love this book. But there’s no use crying after wasted potential. I can’t help but praise the book for the parts that are really good, but I can’t recommend it either. I would have preferred it to be either all good or all shit, not this mixture of gold and rust.

[jira-chii]

Thoughts on the Shoumetsu Toshi Anime before it even airs

The Shoumetsu Toshi anime will air in April 2019, which fills me with both excitement and trepidation... 

Warning for long post. And a bit of language. I may have spoiled the bare minimum of the game in order to explain why it is awesome. There are no spoilers for the anime because it doesn't air until April 2019. 

NB: This whole post is my own personal opinion. I don’t claim to be an expert in anything anime or game related. In fact, I don't play many mobile games at all, and usually steer clear of anime adaptations of such games because I know how shit they can be. I sincerely hope Shoumetsu Toshi will be different because of the quality of the writing. Also yes I am very biased. And passionate. And this whole thing is written on the assumption the producers actually want to make this anime good and worthwhile, rather than just a quick money-grab. I just have a lot of feelings about this ok. 

During Shoumetsu Toshi’s fourth year anniversary, one of the projects announced was an anime! I'm sure everyone playing knew this was going to happen eventually. After all, the game has an all star cast of seiyuu, an amazing storyline, and has been marketing itself for quite a while now (collabs, live concerts, CDs, keychains and more). I have no doubt Shoumetsu Toshi has the potential to become an amazing anime if done correctly, but it will face many challenges on the path to adaptation. Here are some of them.

Too many tamashii

One of the game’s greatest strengths also becomes one of its greatest barriers to adaptation. Shoumetsu Toshi has done an amazing job at creating a huge community of characters (like, an actual city). We get to see their stories unfold and their characters develop bit by bit through various events and quest stages. Within the game, we meet characters that are strong and inspiring, characters with complex relationships, characters that are good-natured and goofy, characters with tragic pasts and so much more. There are characters with stories in this game that will tear your heart to shreds, stories with plot twists nobody saw coming until years later, and stories that were so impactful I had to write a 3000 word essay on it before I was satisfied.

Unfortunately, the anime cannot afford to invest the same amount of time and effort in its characters as the game does. Though we love them, including too many would be detrimental because 1. It wouldn’t fit the tone the anime is going for, 2. There's actually no point because the majority of these don't affect the main story whatsoever and 3. They won't be developed enough for first timers to become invested in them. Especially the ones with more serious stories.

The producers will need to carefully choose which characters to include: characters that are not only distinct and easy to invest in, but will actually contribute to the plot and make the time getting to know them worthwhile. Because one of the worst things an anime can do imo, is bring in a character nobody is invested in, who contributes nothing to the story, has zero character development (i.e. their character is based completely on cliches and tropes) but also gets about 200% more screen time than any other side character, because there is the assumption that they’ll be popular based on their character design alone. That is just lazy writing and is disrespectful not only to the audience, but also the character (I don’t care if they’re fictional, good characters deserve respect too).

I fear there is a very real danger SPR5 could become that. The in-game idol group got a real world debut, and, while I don’t mind seeing promotion in an anime (we live in a capitalist society after all), they shouldn’t contribute much to the overall story, and I will be very disappointed if the anime give them more screen time than they need purely for the sake of marketing.  

Complex storyline

If there is one thing I absolutely don't want this anime to get wrong, it’s the story. The Shoumetsu Toshi main storyline is frickin’ amazing. It is an epic quest that spans four worlds, involves characters literally jumping through space and time, and breaks the fourth wall in the creepiest way possible. The creativity that comes with that is my absolute favourite thing about the game, however I acknowledge some heavy changes would need to be made to make it fit the traditional anime format…

I have heard the anime will be an original story, however the PV suggests it will still retain key plot points from the game. Contrary to my general opinions regarding anime-original content, I think this is the right way to go. I think fans innately despise original stories in anime adaptations for one of two reasons: the story will either be too complex for non-fans to enjoy, ruining the reputation of the series, or the story will be too watered down in order to appeal to said non-fans and consequently lose much of what made the original actually great. Achieving harmony is an incredibly difficult balancing act, and part of this involves the series living up to its own greatness. Which very rarely happens. If Shoumetsu Toshi goes for a retelling of say, World 1, it is invariably going to be compared to the original. Also it becomes predictable for anyone far enough into the game. If the producers do want to go the extra mile and make it worthwhile for the OG fans (which is nice in theory but, admittedly, unlikely), they would need to add some meaningful original content that still retains the essence of what makes Shoumetsu Toshi, Shoumetsu Toshi. That is, it retains the same themes and atmosphere, conveys a similar message, keeps all the characters appropriately in character...basically anything that would not feel out of place if it were to be inserted into the original. Luckily for us, Shoumetsu Toshi writers have loads of experience with this. I am talking, of course, about the mountain of ranking quests, side stories and events.

I will admit not every single minor story in Shoumetsu Toshi is fantastic, particularly many of the ranking events, which usually only allow about three stages to tell a story focused on one character. However, what I think the game does do very well in respect to these short ranking stories (and many other events and side stories open to lower level players), is make them accommodating to both old and new players. This is usually achieved by including Easter eggs and hints to a greater plot for the former, while keeping the actual main story for that particular quest straightforward and accessible for the latter. This strategy avoids alienating newcomers and will be absolutely vital if the anime is aiming to appeal to a larger audience, namely the international one who are mostly not even aware of the game. Failure to adhere to this strategy is also partially why many anime adaptations of games have such a shitty track record. They try to pack in too much, usually by explaining multiple complex concepts without devoting enough time to see them properly work in action. The story might take a backburner in favour of the more technical stuff, leaving newcomers confused and bored. Then when it’s time for the climax, nobody actually understands what is happening on screen. “Just play the source material”, actual fans will say, but really, unless the premise or characters appealed to me, how likely am I to invest even more time into a game if I thought the anime was boring as hell?

I do not think Shoumetsu Toshi will be able to showcase its full potential in one anime season. But if the goal of the anime is just to promote the game, there is no need to. If the goal of the anime were to be an actual good anime though, I think the creators would need to take the same approach as the game does for its stories.

Shoumetsu Toshi’s most epic moments are its unpredictable and creative plot twists. The amazing thing is, they don’t just come out of nowhere. This game’s strongest stories are the long ones that build up gradually to spectacular and emotional climaxes, which are possible because characters are given ample time to establish their values and motivations. This helps us as an audience better understand important plot points without the story having to beat us over the head about it, allowing the game to weave a subtle yet sophisticated narrative that actually makes total sense by the end. This means the story needs to be planned out from the very beginning, and will need some time for setup. Which means it won’t truly shine until the metaphorical ‘late-game’.

Stories like these are at a disadvantage these days because, especially with the Internet giving us so much more choice, a lot of anime watchers now tend to drop a show if it fails to impress them from the very start. After about three episodes, the audience should have a good feel for the anime’s main characters, setting and a hint of the main plot. If by then, absolutely nothing about the series appeals to you, you would start to think there are better things you could be doing with your time. Unfortunately, sometimes a show just needs a long time to set up a good story (or sometimes producers dick around too much with filler episodes).  

On top of probably needing a slow start, the Shoumetsu Toshi anime is at another disadvantage in respect to one type of audience, because the game does not have an English version. Which means a lot of the Western anime audience will have had no prior interaction with it and don’t know what to expect. They have no idea who the characters are, what the story is, and why its fanbase considers it so much more than just another gacha game. We just have to hope the anime is compelling enough in the beginning to ‘hook’ these newcomers, and make them stay on board long enough to make their time worth it...

A good Shoumetsu Toshi story needs to take risks. I hope to God nobody at that studio makes the executive decision to ‘play it safe’, because the last thing any fan wants is a disappointing anime adaptation with a mundane story even a non-fan wouldn’t be able to enjoy.The writers need to be given complete autonomy and trust to fully realise their creative vision, because that is exactly what is needed if this adaptation wants to use Shoumetsu Toshi’s biggest drawcard to its full advantage.

Animating exposition

This is a pretty minor thing compared to the other two I mentioned previously, but the most iconic thing that sets an anime adaptation apart from the source material is, well, the animation. Visuals and animation are probably the biggest things influencing a new audience’s first impression. Unfortunately, the PV portrayed some pretty lacklustre animation for Madhouse standards and I don’t think people were that impressed.

Good animation is time-consuming and can actually take quite a lot of effort on the part of the director (not that I have that much experience to speak to). Where to place characters in the shot composition, when and how far to zoom in for a close-up, how to best direct movement for maximum impact, but also keeping the scene direction consistent enough that the audience can still understand what is happening on screen. Dynamic scenes are hard enough, but on the other end of the spectrum, how do you animate a static character reciting an information dump in an interesting way?

Shoumetsu Toshi has a lot of talking. It's just something that comes part and parcel with a game of this format. In the game it's alright because you can read at your own pace, and it's important information. Plus they usually keep you engaged by switching up characters’ facial expressions (Shoumetsu Toshi 0 does this in spades) or by distracting you with the stellar soundtrack. I expect the anime is also gonna have a heap of exposition. I mean, from the PV alone I already see at least three expositional characters: Geek, Eiji and Kikyou.

Personally I think expositions are the hardest things to animate. And I don't mean difficult to actually draw and turn into animation, but to actually direct something like that in a satisfying way takes brain power. There are an infinite number of ways to animate characters talking, ranging from the super boring still-image-with-moving-mouth-flap, to using dynamic camera angles to keep the composition interesting, or overlaying a montage of some sort to visually convey the message without having to look at a static character. The game provides only a generic idea of how the scene might play out when animated. While this opens the door to a heap of creative possibilities, I’m concerned that if it comes down to time and budget, or if someone gets lazy, it is very likely we could end up with one hella boring sequence of exposition. Which could be a serious problem if the action scenes aren’t able to impress.

Ahh, you guys have no idea how much I want this anime to do well. There's just so much potential there.

In my opinion, traditional anime can be seen as an incredibly limited medium that must, in the span of about 12 episodes, tell a good story to its audience, invest them in its characters, and keep them engaged for half an hour each episode through pretty visuals/cool animation. If they can’t do that the audience will probably drop the series because they a) get bored, b) don’t care, and/or c) fall asleep. This also means a good anime can’t afford to sacrifice story for character development or vice versa. They need to happen concurrently.

It is not easy to make a good anime, and even more difficult to make one that lives up to the hype of its very amazing source material. As a general rule of thumb, I keep my expectations of game adaptations low, and that is what I said to myself when the Shoumetsu Toshi anime was announced. But then one day I got linked a Shoumetsu Toshi drama CD, and I was blown away by how well they did it. The title is The Vanished Elephant, a literary reference to Murakami's short story of the same name. I'm trying not to spoil but basically, the CD fully utilised the fact we can't see the characters (but can hear them) to craft a mysterious original story with a wonderful plot twist. It works just as a stand alone story, but actual players who are familiar with the characters and motifs immediately get that sense of unease at the very beginning, which is finally paid off with the reveal at the end.

Thanks to that, I can't help but be excited for the anime. If they do fuck it up, I won't be surprised but I will be very, very, sad.

If you have read this far, thank you so much for your time. If you are unfamiliar with Shoumetsu Toshi, could I ask you to please give this anime a chance? And if after its run, it does turn out shit, by all means, complain to your heart’s content (because I will be doing the same).

[catescher]

Review: The Savior’s Champion by Jenna Moreci

Quick Disclaimer: I was not in any form or shape paid for this review/compensated for it. I bought the book on my own initiative and out of my own pocket. No strings attached whatsoever. However: I am influenced by Jenna Moreci’s TSC-related content such as blog posts and character portraits. I went in knowing a bit about the book and who the characters were. Also Spoiler Warning!

Name of the book: The Savior’s Champion Author: Jenna Moreci Publishing House: Self-Published Pages: 562 Formats available: EBook and Hardcover ISBN: 978-0999735213 Prices: E-Book: 5.99 € (EU) 7.15 $ (US) 4.79 £ (GB) Hardcover: 21.41 € (EU) 23.164 (US) 18.99£ (GB)

Description (Amazon) Tobias Kaya doesn't care about The Savior. He doesn't care that She's the Ruler of the realm or that She purified the land, and he certainly doesn't care that She's of age to be married. But when competing for Her hand proves to be his last chance to save his family, he's forced to make The Savior his priority. Now Tobias is thrown into the Sovereign's Tournament with nineteen other men, and each of them is fighting — and killing — for the chance to rule at The Savior's side. Instantly his world is plagued with violence, treachery, and manipulation, revealing the hidden ugliness of his proud realm. And when his circumstances seem especially dire, he stumbles into an unexpected romance, one that opens him up to unimaginable dangers and darkness. 

The Author Jenna Moreci is a Silicon Valley native and Youtube sensation, dominating the authortube community with her straightforward and hilarious writing channel. A lifelong storyteller, Jenna specializes in crafting thrilling adventures with heaping doses of bloodshed and romance.  When she's not writing or 'tubing, Jenna enjoys angry music, potent wine, and laughing until her face hurts with her goofball fiancé.

Website

Tumblr: @jennamoreci

The Review:

I’ll try to keep it mostly spoiler free, and otherwise be as vague as possible. But, you might want to read the first three chapters on Jenna’ website here.

Cover art  “Pretty nice cover,” I thought to myself. “Simple, yet fitting… if the shirtless wouldn’t be there.” Honestly, in my opinion, the cover would have been so much better without said dude on it. I have a very simple opinion of shirtless dudes and book covers and if I wouldn’t have known what the book was about I probably wouldn’t have bought it or would have at least been very sceptical of it. On a related note, I cracked up when Tobias asked for a shirt in later chapters which makes my complaints about the shirt even more funny to me somehow.

How did I find the writing? It’s a fantastic writing style, that’s for sure. Also, in many points, it improved so much compared to Eve: The Awakening. The writing itself was pretty awesome, it was written in past tense and in 3rd Person limited, which happened to be my preferred tense and POV. The only point during which it varied was the prologue, in which I was honestly not sure in which POV it was. Was it omniscient or did she switch between two different POVs? It kinda threw me off, but otherwise, the POV was pretty consistent.

Fun Hell yes, it was fun. I read through the entire book (almost) without a break in about eight hours, give or take. I was engrossed in it. I honestly can’t remember the last time bloodshed was so fun to read about. So much fucked-up shit happened in this book and it was fun to read about. To be fair, this says a lot more about me than about the book. Other than the bloodshed I quite obviously enjoyed, a huge part was the romantic subplot. If you followed me for a bit and read the other reviews by any chance, you know I’m not quite fond of romance. But from all that romantic subplots (or plots) I read this year and quite probably last year, this was one of the best, if not the best. Tobias and Leila are both so sweet and caring for each other, especially when you consider that those two are not what one might call nice. But, it kinda got a bit preachy about the dehumanization of the suitors - but again, this becomes sort of a bounding point between Tobias and Leila. I would just have preferred it to be a bit more subtle.

Characters Due to TSC having about 30 characters (and about half of them die), I will only talk about Tobias, Leila, and Kaleo in detail. I will say some stuff about other characters, but those three have to act as representatives. Tobias is a good character, bit cynic and (and I guess starting with the latter half of the book) depressed or has PTSD-like symptoms. And that’s about it when it comes to flaws. He’s sweet, and his only bigger flaw (which went away when pressured) was that he was unwilling to fight and kill. I mean, I liked him a lot - but he’s too much of a Mister Perfect. 

Leila is the main love interest, and she is my opinion better developed than Tobias.She’s very callous in the beginning to Tobias because of a misunderstanding, but softens up eventually. Due to her living in the palace her entire life, she has a very funny (and sweet) scene in which she doesn’t realize that normal people not necessarily have servants. It’s one of my favourite scenes in the entire book! Also, she is without a doubt my favourite characters. I mean, who doesn’t like a girl who can handle a knife? Kaleo is one of the main antagonists. Let’s just say, Jenna Moreci is excellent at creating villains you love to hate. He’s despicable and absolutely sociopathic without any regards to human lives. Also, Tobias’ (and our) dislike is earned in Chapter 3. Let’s just say it involves a wall and blood. Lots of blood.

The other characters are all important, don’t get me wrong, but there are just so many of them. Let’s just say there are a lot of hateable and lovable characters in this book and Jenna makes very good hatable characters. Honestly, most of them would deserve an analysis by themselves.

Predictability I had a few predictions, some turned out to be true, some not and some I completely missed. In any case, one of the big plot twists concerning the murder of the previous Saviour I was correct about the identity of the killer. But one came completely out of left field towards the end, and honestly, if you read it, you will know which one I mean. Also, you will see the hints that Jenna Moreci left throughout the book on the second read through and I had my mind blown by them. Let’s just say I might have said “What”. Loudly. Multiple times.

Another problem, outside of the book and technically my own fault, was the character profiles on Tumblr, so I might suggest that if you want to be surprised you should skip those until after you read the book. I was kinda spoiled because I knew that certain people would survive until a certain point because the scene in their character profiles/introduction did not happen yet. Like I said, my fault, so if you want to go in blind - don’t go to Count Blogula on Tuesdays. And stay away from the TSC-tag. Also… since it’s the first book in a series, I do have two theories about two of the characters in the prologue. It’s a metalsmith and a midwife (?). A man who is a metalsmith also happened to be Tobias’ father who died in an accident - a bit too much of a coincidence. The other, the woman, had a child which she gave him before performing a C-Section on the Saviour’s mother. So, either she is his wife and with that Tobias’ mother, or she is Delphi’s mother who was mentioned to be a midwife. If this happens to be true, you heard it here first. Probably.

Overall impression Loved it. I enjoyed it a lot, I could sink into this world and just shut off my brain and enjoy it. It’s definitely the best book I’ve read this year so far and it’s a strong contender for my personal Book of the Year. I’m looking forward to TSS (The Saviour’s Sister) and I can’t wait for it to come out (or even for teasers to turn up).

Some of my favourite lines: “His skin was smooth, his chest bare - am I ever going to get a shirt? - but his nerves were piqued, stirred by the thought of the looming celebration of which he knew so little. […] You little shit, I just got this shirt.”

“’You seem like a honest man. Wear that with pride. Be true and good, and I have no doubt you’ll gain the exact favor you deserve.’”

You want to read more from Book Bloggers? Here I got a long list for you.

[bucky-barfs]

Let There Be Cowgirls

Let There Be Cowgirls(½): A Captain America Fanfiction

Relationship:  Steve x Reader, Bucky x Reader

Summary: Bucky has been cleared to start going out on social gatherings and Steve has been cleared to start forming intimate relationships. So what happens when they go to a bar and meet you?

Warnings: Drinking, mention of threesome, mention of military service.

Word Count: 3,840

Author’s Note: I’ve never in my life tried to write this perspective before. I typically stick to third person omniscient, sorry if this sucks. This is the first part of a two-shot  Reader x Steve, Reader x Bucky threesome. The second will most likely be gratuitous smut. Also, this happens in a post Civil War perfect land where nobody is in jail and everyone is mostly happy.

Bucky was not sure how he ended up here. He was only cleared to go out earlier that day, upon hearing the news Clint and Sam had immediately insisted on taking him out. Steve had of course followed and for good measure, Natasha had come too, just to keep an eye on her boys.

It had been a rough few months of therapy, all of the Avengers were in therapy, but Bucky had it the most frequently. His therapist had suggested a few weeks ago that he start pushing out of his comfort zone, first suggesting that he simply head a few floors down and grab a coffee from the Starbucks in the tower.

Next suggesting he try something other than plain black coffee, which had opened him up to a world of sweets he had never known before. In his time, sweets were rationed and everything was bland. Now he could get anything and everything he wanted, in fact, he had one time. He had asked the barista for one pump of everything, it hadn’t been good, but he had simply been excited by the thought.

A few weeks later, she had told him how proud of him she was and cleared him to leave the tower. Which usually meant Sam and Steve dragged him to some nearby food cart or nearby eatery. It was fine like that, it kept his human interaction minimal while also allowing him to slowly get used to the idea of being seen.

That had initially been his biggest issue; he had lived in the shadows for so long he hadn’t known how to stop. Going outside in broad daylight, even just to head to the deli on the corner was a huge step for him. It had terrified him at first, but Sam and Steve had been his rocks.

The two men had never faltered, and though his relationship with Sam appeared to be rocky, it was incredibly beneficial to him. The teasing and refusal to tiptoe around him had helped immensely; Sam treated him as if he was human. Whereas Steve still edged around him, afraid of upsetting him or setting him off.

Steve’s same therapist had given him the go-ahead weeks ago to start working on forming intimate relationships. Which had led to Clint and Sam attempting to take him to a strip club, as if that’s where relationships were formed.

Earlier that day Bucky’s therapist had proudly declared that she thought he was fit enough to go out socially. Which was how Sam concluded that Bucky and Steve needed to go to a bar. Clint had immediately jumped on board, excitedly planning the night out with his fellow bird. Steve had been apprehensive, partially because he himself was still iffy about going out.

According to Sam and Clint, they had chosen this bar, a country themed bar, because it was simple. The people there were mostly polite and while the music wasn’t what the boys had been used to, it was much better than that weird beeping shit. Most of the bar was retired military and traveling people who were in the rodeo or something related.

The former assassin was hunched over in the corner of the bar eyeing the drink in front of him with contempt. Clint had hurriedly ordered it for him before ditching the group to head after some girl in daisy dukes. Steve sat beside him, blinking at the odd drink in front of him. Neither man cared for the taste; however, they suspected it might be some type of beer.

They noticed the bartender slide over to their side of the bar, you eyed them curiously as you set a drink down in front of a man a few stools away. Bucky instinctively tensed and Steve immediately sat up straighter as you walked over to them.

“Evenin’ fellas. Your drinks okay?” You asked, your voice sounding like honey. The southern lilt in it was thick as you kept your voice low.

Both men shuddered; they could practically feel your words on their skin. Your accent seemed to caress them, the gentle inflection in your tone making them feel like you actually might care about their orders. You were definitely good at your job.

“Uh, what is it that we’re drinking?” Steve asked, his face wrinkling as he forced himself to take another sip.

You cocked her head and smiled softly. Your black, silver studded cowboy hat tilting forward and nearly falling in your face. “You’re with the blonde guy right? With the arms?” You murmured jerking your chin towards where Clint was dancing with some blonde-haired woman.

“Yeah.” Steve answered, though he was a little confused about the arms part. Didn’t everyone have arms? Well… maybe not everyone.

“It’s an IPA. Beer, but in my opinion, not good beer.” You chuckled softly before pulling their drinks away from them. “They’ve only picked up traction within the last few years; mostly hipsters drink ‘em.”

Hipsters was not a term that Bucky recognized, however, it made a small amount of sense to him. He could use context clues to guess the meaning, though he was off by about a mile. If the beer had only become popular within the last few years, then that explained a lot.

Steve, however, recognized the term immediately. Natasha had jokingly called him one when they donned disguises and ran from Hydra several years ago. She had spent the next ten minutes trying to explain to him what a hipster was.

“You fellas like whiskey?” You asked casually, turning back to the shelf behind you to catalogue the bottles. Bucky took note of how your long hair swished just above your jean-clad ass. He was sure every part of you was carefully crafted so you could get the best tips; your movements were friendly, but deliberate. You were clearly a woman who had perfected her art.

Steve raised an eyebrow at Bucky, silently asking him if he liked whiskey. Back in the day, they had, but they weren’t sure if they liked any new brands. Steve knew he liked what Tony drank, but he had a feeling that it was excessively expensive and that a place like this most likely wouldn’t carry it.

“Yeah.” Bucky answered gruffly, much to Steve’s surprise.

Steve shot him an odd look that was only met with a shrug. His therapist had told him to interact with people more, so he was doing as he had been told. Plus, you were a bartender, which meant you were kind of like the Baristas he had befriended.  

Both men summerized that you were cute; with your grey and red flannel tied up into a crop top with low-rise black jeans. If the sound of your footsteps was any indication, you were most likely wearing cowboy boots much like everyone else in the bar.

“Alright, well let’s see what we’ve got, yeah?” You shot them a cheeky smile over your shoulder as you pulled down five different bottles of whiskey.

“By the way,” You started as you set the bottles down in front of them, quickly finishing by introducing yourself.

“Steve.” The blonde man replied, giving you a hesitant smile.

The sincerity in his eyes made you melt. You weren’t technically supposed to take customers home, but boy did you want to share a handsy cab ride with this one. It wasn’t the bars rule, it was your own personal rule.

Bird Dog Blackberry, Bird Dog Peach, Cutty Sark, Wild Turkey, Old Grand-dad. Bucky mentally catalogued. Cutty Sark and Old Grand-dad seemed familiar, he liked familiar. However, he was supposed to try new things.

“Bucky.” The dark haired one mumbled.

“Alright, let’s start with Old Grand-Dad. It’s a classic. It’s been around since the 1840s, it’s a Kentucky bourbon. It’s got classic whiskey notes and this sucker is 100 proof. It’s got a sweet, but savory taste going on. I give it to all the whiskey snobs who tell me to surprise them.”  You poured them each a small amount in disposable cups. Both men tried it, both pleasantly surprised by the familiar taste of it.

“Next, Wild Turkey. My least favorite whiskey, ever. But, some people swear by it.” You wrinkled your nose as you took back their cups and poured a small amount in. “It’s been around since the 1940s, it’s also a Kentucky bourbon. Now this one is 101 and proof. It’s got a smokier and grittier flavor that sticks around in the back of your throat.  Most people prefer it with a bit of water. But it’s best in mixed drinks.”

Both men drank their cups, this time pulling slight faces. Maybe in the past they would have liked it, but both men had become spoiled by modern day sweets. The gritty flavor of this one just was not cutting it for them.

“Now, Cutty Sark. It’s a Scottish whisky from the 1920s. It’s also 100 proof. This one is soft, has less of a charred taste and is medium bodied so it doesn’t linger. It’s a good basic whisky.” You shrugged as you slid the drinks over to them. They enjoyed this one more, it was softer. Neither man really liked the lingering taste that the previous one had left.

“Don’t you have other customers?” Steve asked apprehensively, there were quite a few other people in the bar.

You shook your head, “They can get their drinks from Cash.” You waved your hand dismissively before shooting them a devilish look. “Besides, I like pleasing my customers.” You finished off with a wink in Bucky’s direction.

Cash was your fellow bartender, who because he lacked the proper assets -ahem, boobs- did not make as much in tips as you. However, he was a kickass bartender and the regulars loved him. 

“Alright, Bird Dog is a newer whiskey. It’s also a Kentucky Bourbon, but it’s only 86 proof. Bird Dog is known for its flavored whiskeys. If you have a sweet tooth this is the whiskey for you. Personally, the blackberry one is my favorite. Now, this isn’t like those fruity pink colored cocktails, this may be sweet, but it’s still whiskey.” You decided to pour them the peach one first.

Steve’s eyes widened as he drank it, while Bucky simply stared at it suspiciously after finishing his. It was delicious, yet both men felt slightly betrayed that they preferred this new age sweet whiskey to their familiar Old Grand-Dad.

Bucky was sure he’d found love when he tried the blackberry one, while Steve preferred the peach. Something about the sweetness of it mixing with the woody flavor of the bourbon made his taste buds sing.

You grinned as they grudgingly admitted their approval of the drinks. “Neat or on the rocks?” Both men chose neat, which lead to their plastic cups being disposed of and replaced with glass tumblers.

“I’ll be back to check on y’all in a bit.” You said before sashaying away from them and walking over to a group of undeniably drunk men at the other end of the bar.

“She was nice.” Steve mused quietly.

Bucky grunted in reply. You had been very nice to be so patient with them; of course, your motives were most likely tip related. It still made him feel warm inside, or maybe that was just the sweet whiskey he was sipping.

“She’s cute.” Natasha said casually, admiring her nails.

Steve and Bucky both jumped a little, neither had noticed Natasha show up.

“Where did you come from?” Steve asked, stuttering slightly. Natasha was one of the few people who could sneak up on him, and it hadn’t helped that maybe he had been a bit distracted by the cute bartender.

“Since Wild Turkey.” She snarked, spinning her seat to lean her back against the bar so she could analyze the crowd. Steve’s cheeks reddened and Bucky’s eyes narrowed at her revelation. “I think she likes you.” She didn’t bother specifying which of them.

The dark haired man immediately wanted to change the subject and clearly, Natasha was talking about Steve. Which, maybe, disappointed him. “What’re you drinking?” Bucky questioned, pointing to her mason jar.

Natasha eyed it curiously as if she was seeing it for the first time. “A Cowboy Killer.” She sent a smirk in the soldier’s direction.

The blond super soldier squinted at Natasha’s head. “Where did that hat come from?” She hadn’t shown up in a cowboy hat, but now she was wearing a sleek black one, perched easily on her red curls.

“A cowboy gave it to me.” She stated simply.

“Gave?” Bucky asked, raising a brow and shooting her a lopsided grin.

She looked offended for a minute before standing up and narrowing her eyes. “… Yes.” The redhead walked away, venturing back out into the fray.

“Hey, man? What’s that?” Sam asked, materializing out of seemingly nowhere between the two soldier’s.

Bucky tried to stop himself from making a snarky remark, but was just a little too late. “A drink.” He replied wrinkling his nose at the lanky man.

“It’s called Bird Dog Whiskey.” Steve answered, shooting Bucky a disapproving look. He held his cup out to Sam, offering the other man a sip.

After savoring the taste for a second Sam blinked, confusion taking over his features. “Why does it taste like peaches?”

“It’s peach flavored whiskey.” Bucky snapped, an implied ‘duh’ at the end of his sentence.

Steve sighed, giving up on trying mediating. He wasn’t entirely sure how the two’s relationship worked. They seemed to antagonize each other to no end, sometimes he feared they would start throwing punches. But, oddly enough, it seemed to work for them. Bucky seemed genuinely at ease around Sam, which filled Steve with a great sense of relief.

There was a few minutes of bickering before You approached them again right as the song changed. The new song singing something about God making cowgirls.

“Hey, soldier’s. Y’all still doing okay?” You leaned against the counter, maybe, just maybe, slightly showing off your exposed cleavage. It came with the job, but you also just kind wanted them to check the girls out.

Steve looked at you incredulously, “How’d you know?” After noticing how you were leaning against the bar his cheeks flushed and he began staring at the wall directly behind you.

Bucky risked a glance at your chest before swallowing thickly and averting his eyes the wall beside him. 

Mission accomplished. You thought smugly.

“Most of my family is military. I recognize it in your eyes.” You shot a slightly sad look at Steve and Bucky, causing both men to shudder. For a second you placed your hand on Steve’s, before straightening up again behind the bar. 

You would have done the same thing to Bucky, but you were getting the feeling that he wasn’t a fan of being touched.

You then brought your warm eyes to rest on Sam. “Airman.” You nodded at him.

“Okay, that’s impressive.” Sam said, tipping his beer bottle in your direction. “I’m Sam.” He gave you a charming grin as he settled into the seat Natasha had abandoned beside Steve.

Instead of immediately replying, you refilled the men’s drinks, not even needing to double check that you was pouring the right drinks. You answered with your name, giving him a curt smile.

Your expression brightened as you looked over at Bucky, he was continuously sweeping his too long hair behind his ears. Every few seconds the strands would fall back into his face, causing him to get slightly frustrated. The faint gleam of his metal hand could be seen as it rested on the bar, gently holding his cup. He had spent the last few months carefully practicing with holding breakable things, just to make sure his left arm wasn’t completely destructive.

“Interesting name.” Sam laughed, giving you a flirty look that you didn’t bother acknowledging. You already had your eyes on someone, or someone’s.

You kept your eyes on Bucky. “I have a non-traditional family.”

Suddenly, your hand appeared in front of him holding a black hair tie. “Take it.” You said, giving him a gentle smile.

 Instead of immediately grabbing the hair tie Bucky set his glass down and dropped his arm to his lap, not wanting to scare you. He smiled apprehensively back as he gently plucked the hair tie from your outstretched hand, making sure to use his right hand. He still didn’t pick up his drinks at Starbucks using his left-hand. He was still too worried about its destructive properties to risk touching anyone else with it.

Truthfully, as you watched him put his hair up all you could thing about was threading your fingers through the strands and giving them a good hard yank.

Your eyes darted to a man several stools down from them, sitting with a group of friends, all of them drinking beer. He had a prosthetic hand and leg that went from the thigh down. Immediately your eyes returned to Bucky, giving him a warm look. What you had tried to portray was that this was a safe place, you hoped he understood.

Steve watched this short exchange, his eyes softening as Bucky hesitantly wrapped his metal hand around the glass again. He was already planning on how to invite you to lunch, once he saw something that made his friend happy he tended to leap on it.

Sam had already backed off; clearly noticing the vibes you were putting out were not for him. They seemed to be for Bucky, or maybe Steve? However, he could still ask you questions that he knew Bucky and Steve would never ask. Just as a little help to his friends.

“How old are you?” He asked giving the two a cheeky grin as your back was turned. Both replied with frowns, though Bucky’s looked slightly more murderous than Steve’s.

“Twenty-six. But, my birthday is in a few weeks.” You replied casually as you tidied up behind the bar.

Sam thought it over for a minute, before reaching for his phone and quickly typing a few things into google. “So you’re a Taurus? You know that means you’re really compatible with Cancers and Pisces.”

You turned and raised an eyebrow as you dried a tumbler. “Yeah? You know any?”

“These two.” He replied, cheekily pointing his thumbs at his two companions.

Steve and Bucky had honestly no idea if they were actually what Sam said they were. Wanda sometimes read them their horoscopes, but it was usually in one ear and out the other.

You looked Steve and Bucky over before giving Sam an unimpressed look. “Yeah? What are you? Their wingman?” God, you hoped he was.

Steve and Bucky both snorted, oh if only you knew that’s exactly what Sam was.

“You could say that. So, which one do you think you’re taking home tonight?” That one got him an under the table smack from Steve who was now looking anywhere but at you.

Bucky was staring into his glass, already knowing the answer.

“Por que no los dos?” You answered with a wicked grin.

Steve and Sam were rusty at best with their Spanish, but Bucky had been trained in multiple languages and was fluent. His eyes widened comically as he stared at you, his mouth slightly agape.

Women now were so forward, he saw that every time he went anywhere with Steve. Women would throw themselves at the blonde super soldier, which usually left Bucky sitting on the sidelines. He supposed that was how Steve had felt all those years.

“Shit.” Sam said, laughing. “She speaks Spanish. I need to get Nat over here to translate.” The phrase sounded weirdly familiar to him, but he couldn’t place it.

Bucky considered offering up the translation, but he decided to be selfish and keep it to himself. Your words made him feel warm, girls didn’t like him anymore, Steve was the desirable one now. But you had wanted both, which meant Steve and Bucky.

“Did someone call me?” Nat asked, walking back over to the bar. She had been observing from the sidelines while babysitting a drunk Clint. She hadn’t heard anything that was said, due to the drunk man’s babbling, aside from her own name.

“Hey, Nat! I need you to transla-” Sam started only to be cut off by Clint.

“Well, hello, cowgirl.” Clint slurred, sauntering up to the bar. He shot an easy smile towards you. It was clear that he was decently intoxicated; such was to be expected as they had now been at the bar for almost two hours. “Whose bed are your boots gonna be under tonight?”

You wrinkled your nose slightly. “Referencing a Shania Twain song about cheating to hit on me, classy.”

“Classy is all I kno-” Clint started. He was cut off as a burp rose in his throat, which he released, burping loudly near your face.

“Good one, Clint.” Sam groaned, shaking his head disdainfully.

Steve immediately started apologizing for his friend. You were used to it, in fact worse had happened, much worse. You resisted the urge to shudder at the memory of a customer defecating on the bar.

The man felt another burp coming up, only to realize at the last second that this one felt suspiciously like more than a burp. In an instant you were holding a small yellow puke bag in front of him, which Clint graciously accepted.

“Sorry, boys, I think we’ve gotta go.” Natasha said apologetically.

The others reluctantly got up, Steve pulling out his wallet. “How much do we owe you?”  He motioned to Sam, himself, and Bucky. Natasha and Clint had set up a tab as soon as they walked in the door.

“Free for some fellow Bird Dog lovers.” You replied with a wink. “Which means you have to pay, Sam.” Your tone was teasing.

“Damn you, woman.” The former Airman replied, shaking his head.

Steve pulled out three twenties, “Then take these as a tip.” He gave you his signature all-American-boy smile that unbeknownst to him usually caused the panties to drop.

“I’ll see you again soon.” You replied, grinning as you slid the money into your back pocket. You leaned against the counter as you watched the group gently guide their drunk friend out.

You were a little disappointed that they had to leave, but you were confident that they would return.

Steve drove them back, Bucky sitting up front with Sam and Natasha sat in the back on either side of Clint.

“Man, I’m telling you, I was this close to sealing the deal for them.” Sam said, shaking his head ruefully as he glared at Clint.

“I’m so-sorry. I ruined Bucky’s only chance of getting laid- I’m the worst friend.” Clint drunkenly whined. He continued on, babbling nonsense while Natasha simply chuckled and gently patted his arm.

“We’ll just have to go back then.” Natasha said casually.

“By the way, Nat, what does ‘por que no los dos?’ mean?” Sam asked.

“Taco…commercial.” Clint mumbled.

“It means ‘Why not both?’” Both Natasha and Bucky supplied at the same time.

Steve accidentally tapped the brakes too hard, causing them to lurch to a stop at a red light. His cheeks were bright red and he coughed to cover up his embarrassment.

“Shit! From the taco commercial!” Sam exclaimed. “That’s where I know it from!”

Clint let out a loud wail, “I ruined their only chance at a threesome! I’m the worst!”

The car erupted into laughter. Steve continued coughing while Bucky chortled under his breath; Natasha laughed a full belly laugh and Sam simply let out a pained laugh as he shook his head.

“We’ll definitely have to go back then.” Natasha said as the laughter died down. There was mumbled agreement from the others in the car.

[tessatechaitea]

Justice League of America #1

Lobo tries to catch Ryan so he can shove him in his urethra.

Stop exaggerating for dramatic effect, Vixen! You know the only people causing problems on the team are Killer Frost and Lobo.

• If I take Vixen's statement literally, I have to assume that The Atom is a homophobe, Vixen is a Hong Konger hater, Killer Frost is racist, Black Canary hates men, and The Ray keeps rubbing his boner on Lobo. Fine, I don't have to assume all of that! But I'd like to. • Batman is all, "People need to see heroes are human! That's why I created this team!" Then he scoots in front of Lobo and opens his cape wide so Vixen can't see him. "See? Humans!" • While Batman and Vixen discuss the philosophy of the team, Black Canary and The Ray are rescuing people from a burning building in Vanity, Oregon.

Batman just got done discussing how these heroes are human and here's one of the most human of them jumping out of a second story window clutching two people in her arms. I guess her Canary Cry helps with landing safely?

• Lobo is off on his own rescuing dolphins from magma sea trolls because, as I pointed out in my last review, he loves dolphins. Technically, does this make him the Aquaman of the group? If so, Aquaman should just retire forever. • Frost and Atom are busy fixing up The Sanctuary in Happy Harbor. They're working on something Ryan terribly named The Troubalert. Get it?! • While all of that other shit is going on, the team's first main threat appears in Saratoga, New York. And this threat isn't just a bunch of chumps! They took down the Post-Crisis Justice League International! Although, to be fair, a bunch of chumps probably could have taken down the Post-Crisis Justice League International.

The Extremists!

• Lord Havok announces that he and his crew have come to save Earth before it burns like his Earth. Some police immediately pull up, profile them as super-villains, and pull their guns. What kind of a welcome is that? Peace officers, my ass! • After reading a couple more pages, I should probably apologize to the police officers and my ass. The Extremists idea of "saving the world" seems to be that one where they destroy everything and kill everybody before they can do it to themselves. It's not the greatest interpretation of the definition of the word "save," but at least it makes for an exciting comic book.

Lord Havok isn't saying anything I haven't already said in this blog. It's just that I don't burn down a city every time I publish another blog post.

• Lord Havok and I differ on our reactions to the reality that civilization is constantly just one step away from chaos. He sees it through the eyes of fear, the way a lot of American citizens see it. Too much freedom leads to too many possible chances for bad people to do violent things. I see it through the eyes of a cheerful optimist who thinks, "I could stab my neighbor in the face any time I want but I don't. And even more likely, he won't do it to me. I can live with this agreement." • The Extremists have decided the only way to save Earth is to rule it themselves. That sounds like maybe they're not really too concerned about the Earth and maybe just a teensy bit more concerned with power. • Thankfully, the Justice League arrives so I can make a stupid joke!

Especially if they're metric!

• The big fight doesn't start after Vixen has her say. Batman has to mouth off first! He's all, "I'm the Batman!" No wait. He doesn't say that this time. I guess that's too cliché, especially when the bad guy directly asks, "Who are you?" After that, the big fight starts! There are so many different characters that it might last six issues. • According to the big first panel splash of the battle, Lobo is going against Gorgon. That's the only fight I care about. Hopefully it doesn't take place behind a bar and then Lobo's hand appears to grab a cigar and to indicate who won. • The fight ends abruptly just as Lord Havok is about to decapitate The Atom. Batman calls a halt to it and trades his life for Ryan's. Not that Batman gets decapitated at the end of this issue. That probably won't happen until the beginning of the next one. The Ranking! Plus a jizzillion! That's as many pluses as there are sperm in one spurt of semen. Maybe a few less because Lobo wasn't the focus of this issue. But he was still in it so this is still the best comic book your money can buy. Also, this was one of those issues where the name of the story appears on the last page and I'm glad it did. This story was called "The Extremists" and that would have spoiled the surprise for me when I turned the page to see Lord Havok and the gang standing there.

[snkret-photography]

Is it Self-Care?

I am a HUGE advocate for doing whatever is necessary to function at your absolute best day-to-day. That can be anywhere from lighting some Palo Santo, to going for a run, sacrificing your credit card to the local expenditures or just disconnecting and getting your Netflix & Chill on… with your boo alcohol/weed (or both). However, as someone who constantly disconnects for “self-care”, I really had to really start looking at why I was bullshitting my friends. It wasn’t necessarily that I didn’t want to see them or I was unwell. Sometimes they said let’s grab food and my bank account laughed at me so I just kinda sat in my bed wondering how the bitch I invest so hard in could do such a thing. Needless to say, I cancel plans quite often. However, I try to come at the situation early. Like if we have plans on Saturday, by Wednesday I know full and damn well what excuse I am using to not show up and on Thursday, you will have to accept it. A personal favorite is an open-ended cancellation. “Oh girl, I’m not feeling well but I’ll let you know day of if I’m feeling better.” (I never will in this lifetime.)

Now a lot of times, my friends know that there is something going on or I’m stressed from life/work so they assume I’m just doing my self-care. Realistically, I’m laying around in bed and raiding my fridge without showering until about 5pm with a high possibility of not remembering whether I brushed my teeth that morning. And we all call that “self-care” because I’m disconnecting from the world and taking the time that I need to get my energy up so that I can function day-to-day. If we’re going to be completely honest, I’m one of those introverts that recoups their energy by actively engaging with people. Like if I’m drained from a day, a good conversation with good company sends my spirit through the roof and usually I’m revitalized. Now, people are also draining as fuck but disconnecting usually is a slow deterioration as it’s me, my thoughts and I’ve come to the conclusion that sitting in that environment is much akin to the devil’s playground. Things get dark and negative FAST. And I just prefer to be doing something (something preferably free) with my time when I’m awake. I’m totally down to have a meal but how about we cook the meal and stay in. I can hear you speak, we control the track list and I find cooking therapeutic. I’m from MD which to NY is basically the south. Hosting and gatherings is more just shit we do rather than revisit the SAME FUCKING PLACES. I haven’t had a good kickback in NY since I stopped hosting them. But among my friend group, a lot of us commune in the fact that sitting back with a good group of friends and enjoying each other’s time/company is usually some of the best care we get. Even if we’re in a bad mood and we just want to bitch about how that paycheck never come out right next to these student loans, we always end smiling and laughing.

If we’re going to talk about “self-care” then we should acknowledge that it shouldn’t be something we practice monthly or weekly but a daily habit that keeps us going in the direction we want to go. All that disconnecting or the monthly spa day is cool but truly how is isolation or spoiled endeavors really caring for yourself. Especially when these acts exist in a day/finite amount of time and then you go back through long stretches of the shit that brought you down in the first place. If you’re developing a habit as a reward for surviving rather than dealing with your problems or minimizing their impact, how is that helping? Think about dieters who plan out their cheat days. Sure, the cheat days work well for plenty to encourage them to keep going and hold on. But have you ever met them in maintenance where everyday is technically a cheat day or they hold onto that mentality and we justify their hangry behavior? Bitch, you force starving yourself of what you desire ain’t got shit to do to me. You hungry, here’s a snickers. In the same sense, a lot of our “self-care” splurges of isolated and specialized timing isn’t really fixing any issues, simply applying bandages and ointment until you bleed through. Rinse, disinfect, repeat. They’re treats. Self-care should be the daily habits we form to mitigate the hardships and irritations of our lives. The bigger, spread out measures of self-care are warranted and truly add value to people’s lives, not knocking it. But they don’t necessarily suffice by themselves. I find it amazing how much people talk about the things they do for “self-care” but then carry on in the same depressed manner after the supposed event as they did before. Why? Because bandages just protect wounds from infection. Healing is an internal process that our bodies do and require an appropriate level of hydration, nourishment and rest to fix itself. So one weekend a month ain’t gonna heal you if you keep opening up the same wound.

So what does heal? What qualifies as actual self-care to ensure we’re running as our best optimal selves? Just focus on our health and doing things that fulfill and excite us. You know half the time when I’m on set doing a shoot that I’m really excited about or helping someone with a project, I consider it self-care. Not anything extravagant or overly thought through, not an isolated time to enjoy a particular habit (rather draining 95% of the time) but I’m feeding my soul. I’m giving my soul a recharge by just doing things that challenge me creatively and allow me to expand my concepts and collaborate. A lot of times, for me, self-care can be defined in my daily routines: showers in the morning to wake up and clean myself but also a shower at the end of the day to decompress. I literally just jump in the shower as a means of separating my day and saying that all the things related to work and the outside world that were bothering me or irritating me and refocus on what I want to do for the night, be that work or simply eat and sleep. In addition, I like to watch my crappy reality tv or random YouTube videos while I eat. For bed, I always put on a diffuser with lavender as my carrier oil to just bring me down and help me sleep. That all happens daily and really keeps me grounded rather than breaking down. Another huge aid in my daily is the focus on diet and exercise. I feed my body what causes me the least inflammation and the most satisfaction. I have steak quite often and I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon. And a good morning gym session really helps set the stage for my day. And you know what it might mean for some of you, that daily coffee in the morning with just the right amount of sweetness or bitterness to help you jolt your day. Or that after work phone call with your significant other where you can just vent. The playlist that you play pre- and post-work to really keep your spirit high. That is self-care. It is those habits we’ve formed to keep us grounded and able to handle all that life throws at us. And in a time where everyone is so focused on their own self-care, it’s important that people exercise the definitions that they assign to the term, whatever that may entail. But this is my blog so you’re gonna get my opinion. And these are just minor examples but I think it’s really important that if people want to take care of themselves, they actually take care of themselves, inside and out. Most importantly, it’s about looking to take care of all aspects of yourself, not just the physical being that people interact with but making sure your mental health is in order and you are leaning on the right people to keep you supported and focused. Most importantly, in my opinion, is taking the time to find what feeds your soul and keeps you moving spiritually. A lot of people work jobs that we justify strictly based off the fact that they pay us just enough to keep coming back for 2 weeks but don’t personally fulfill us or reinforce that our lives have purpose and we’re working towards fulfilling that purpose. It’s actually crazy how much we let our mundane, bill-paying jobs run us into the ground and forget to establish what our purpose is in life and how we’re going to do it. But that’s what I encourage everyone to do: take care of yourself so that you can do what you were born to do; whatever that is.

[grubhivemind]

-- decastichAmazifier [DA] began pestering aurulentHuntsman [AH] -- 

DA: sup working man 

DA: there he is, standing post proudly with his boot on a stump, tiddies out, hair billowing 

DA: unless i caught you during the lunch break and you're slurpin noodles while reading this 

DA: no less attractive but entirely different situations though one is decidedly saucier... damn we just found the peak of potential sexiness 

DA: good work team

AH: KAVI! ~}==> 

AH: What a pleasant surprise! Indeed, you have caught me during a moment of respite, so your timing is QUITE fortuitous ~}==> 

AH: I could definitely eat though, now that you mention it... ~}==>

DA: the hunger is real and altogether mutual, but let's work on food first 

DA: guess which handsome guy is having his handsome boyfriend drop by lunch? 

DA: Avalon is a lot of ground to cover and while i'd hate to dump a tracking chip on you i can't help to realize how convenient it'd make dropping in

AH: How inventive! We could exchange tracking chips if you'd like! HAHA ~}==> 

AH: I'm sure that would be unnecessary, however... I am always at your beck and call, of course ~}==> 

AH: For now, you can find me at home ~}==>

DA: there he goes feeding into my bad habits with grace and flourish while also being a sweet fuckin dork, expertly disarmed.. damn 

DA: you can't tell but i'm clenching my fist like a prepubescent anteater... or aardvark ...... the fuck? 

DA: i'm gonna google it on my way over

DA: see you in 10 babe

-- decastichAmazifier [DA] ceased pestering aurulentHuntsman [AH] -- 

KAVI: =It's a home he's well familiar with so don't mind him swoocing on in there... unless it's into one of Auryhn's mechanical servants then really don't mind and please look away from that fumble. He's having a better hair day but with changing from the hot to the cold his curls are all tight and extra sproingy=

AURYHN: -please, he has security cameras everywhere... he sees all. but he will not crush kavi's pride by drawing attention to his blunders. instead he trots out into the hall to greet him with a swoosh of his coat.- There you are! ~}==>

KAVI: =HE WILL HACK YOU.... but not this time because all the toys are away. The coat and scarf are already coming off, Auryhn gets a big smile and a cold kiss on the cheek= it's me, your dream come reality 

KAVI: even more so since i got nibbles, hope you're in the mood for Earth-style Mediterranean 

KAVI: i'm expanding my menu.. trying anyway

AURYHN: It sounds DELECTABLE ~}==> 

AURYHN: You know I'm always willing to try something different ~}==> -winks and places a palm to kavi's back, leading him towards one of his many drawing rooms in the wing that's still private to him, as opposed to being repurposed for his CREW. it's much more casual here than eating in the dining area. he'd rather kavi feel cozy and at home.-

KAVI: =Here's the scoop though, he does feel at home here and most certainly with Auryhn in general. It's kinda scary, very exciting, and exceedingly frightening. Being in love is great but it doesn't really come hard for people like him which sprouds a wariness that he can't shake but, conflictingly, not give a shit to shake.= 

KAVI: nuts, and here i was plotting all kinds of ways to convince you there goes the pre-lunch seduction 

KAVI: which is probably in the best interest of all parties, hummus goes on pita, it's basically law and i'd hate the local authority to catch wind to my wrongdoings =he'd HATE it, it'd be so awful.... but once in the dining area he lays out the food fresh from his sylladex thus fresh from the kitchen= 

KAVI: =A hearty salad with things like chic peas and purple lettuce, falafels and thinly sliced meats and not to mention the hummus and some cucumber sauce he tried to make. Also because presentation is everything he has it looking fancy for his spoiled prince=

AURYHN: -yes, these are two men who truly value presentation. auryhn is eyeing the display with much interest, on the edge of his seat and gathering up his meal.- This is fantastic! And you prepared it all yourself? ~}==> 

AURYHN: -he's such a carnivore, despite half his family being vegetarian, and chomps right into the falafel without a moment's hesitation. it's only kavi around, there's no need to be COMPLETELY refined.-

KAVI: mmhmmmmm, right down to the pita =chinhands while Auryhn tears into his food. Kavi's always been more of a nibbler so that's what he's doing= 

KAVI: nothin but the best for you, sugarcube =and he intends to make it the best... having practiced these recipes for around a week Figaro's had more than his fair share of lettuce and other greens other turtles can only dream of= gotta make sure my man's well-fed

AURYHN: -looks up from his food with big smiles and shiny eyes. so much adoration. kavi spoils him... and he does like to be spoiled, even if he's sometimes a little too prideful to admit. after dabbing at his face with his napkin -- because he's no HEATHEN -- he leans in to give kavi a kiss on the side of his head.- 

AURYHN: It's delicious, Kavi. Thank you ~}==> 

AURYHN: I must return the favor next time... ~}==> -it's been a while since he's done any cooking. it's a shame.-

KAVI: =grins and never ceases the chinhand= anytime babe, i look forward to that 

KAVI: maybe sometime we can cook together, that'd be bitchin =He misses that cooking and also Auryhn in general. All this hero-ing makes him nervous but he doesn't mention it..... much=

AURYHN: -he seems EXTRA excited about that idea.- Egads, that's genius! Why haven't be thought of that before? ~}==> -he's so pleased, he smooches on kavi again... and nuzzles him... he might be a little starved for affection.-

KAVI: we were too busy one-upping each other into oblivion on the smooth factor =smiles at the nuzzles, good excellent. Crosses his legs and leans on Auryhn. Up on him actually for a kiss= 

KAVI: we can make time for it and other shit, multi-tasking if need be

AURYHN:  If anyone has the drive and the capability to achieve that kind of multitasking, it would be us! ~}==>

AURYHN: However, I'd rather not divide up any of my attention when I have time alone with you ~}==> -don't mind him as he abandons his food to touch at kavi's cheek, brush a thumb at his springy curls.-

KAVI: =Turns into that hand and lightly kisses Auryhn's palm, his hair is soft and if it's pulled it'll bounce right back up. Speaking of let's get up he settles in Auryhn's lap, scooting him out from the table a little= 

KAVI: oh you wouldn't be dividing any attention, not from me .... really 

KAVI: hypothetical question: could we or could we not squeeze in a quickie while making a robust stew?

AURYHN: -grinning at this kavi he has bundled up in his lap, resting his hands on his sides... only to short circuit a little at the question.- AH... ~}==> 

AURYHN: THAT SEEMS LIKE IT COULD GET....... Messy ~}==> -wheeze-

KAVI: =shrugs cooly and plays with Auryhn's ponytail, putting it over a strong shoulder then moves to play with his ear= maybe but that's always, if the mess in the kitchen is a big deal there's an easy fix 

KAVI: =Let's it hang in the air for a minute= i mean. i could just turn around

AURYHN: -oh deer, he's quite blue in the face now, his ear twitching under kavi's delicate touch.- That would be... much more convenient ~}==> AURYHN: -hands smooth down his thighs, palming at them with a sudden eagerness.-

Mishroom-04/20/2017

KAVI: =All according to keikaku= KAVI: see, that's what i'm sayin we can be mad efficient =Leans down to kiss Auryhn's collarbone then tips his head up, nosing under his jaw. He can't not grin at that cool blush= we could do a practice run just to be sure if you're still worried though... unless you gotta get back =Which yeah the way Kavi drags his fingers and speaks soft and low under Auryhn's ear that's basically a thing he's gunning to not happen. He will play dirty=

AURYHN: -honestly, he doesn't need much convincing when it comes to any form of attention -- but especially so in this case. he's already long gone and the sweet touches might as well be torture. he grips at kavi tighter.- Well... Haha... Surely if there was any immedi8 threat to 8e concerned with, I'd know... ~}==> 

AURYHN: But who's to stop me from neighing-- STAYING ~}==> -all the heat rushes to his face for his excited slip ups. how embarrassing.-

KAVI: =Neighing... Kavi grins and even though that tighter grip makes his insides roll in excitement he also just-- now directly in Auryhn's ear= (hey how you doin big man lemme knicker in ya ear, you can pun all night baby. wordplay is my second favorite) = snickers and nips at that lobe, dangerous flat teeth watch out.=

AURYHN: -flat as they are, the way they scrape is an entirely different kind of  deadly. between that and the whispers (FILLY as they are) he's shuddering all the way down to his toes, his blunders all but forgotten.- I wouldn't call it... especially clever wordplay... But a slip of the tongue ~}==>

AURYHN: You've got me rather twisted up... ~}==> -reciprocates with sweet kisses to kavi's neck, his hands grasping with more confidence, up under his shirt at the warm skin of his sides.-

KAVI: =A grin spreads over his face feeling Auryhn shudder, good. Excellent.= i'll give you a slip of the tongue, also it's cute 

KAVI: my only thing is be prepared for me to prod you the next century if you're about to bust a trollnut and a pun comes out, i'm just saying it's out of my hands and gives me life while also destroying me 

KAVI: =Mutters through the neck kisses and flexes for the wandering hands and undoes his ponytail gently. Combing fingers through Auryhn's hair to fan it out= before the mocking starts i can help you unwind though.... we.... do have a perfectly good table right here and technically i didn't put out dessert so that can be fixed =presses a kiss to Auryhn's cheek, it's him. He is the dessert. It's a careful, gentle set-up to being boned on furniture. Smooth=

AURYHN: -oh yes, VERY subtle... but auryhn didn't need much coaxing. after moving aside the food on the table, his hands secure under kavi's ass, lifting him with ease and a rumbly purr, silky smooth and contrasting his chastising words.- 

AURYHN: Must you be so crude? I've herdly been given the chance to romance you ~}==> -with that, he plops kavi onto the table, crushing him under more kisses.- 

AURYHN: Or would you prefer to skip that part? ~}==> 

AURYHN: Whatever you desire, your wish is my command...~}==>

KAVI: =The second this dumb chair is out of the way his legs secure themselves around Auryhn's waist. Then snickers against his lips, pausing from slipping up Auryhn's shirt= whoa time out, are you sure? you bathe in pure romance babe, Mr. Flowers-for-no-reason =Bye shirt, folds it and puts it under his head. His now= 

KAVI: oh, rare flowers from the top of mountains not one a wholeassed bouquet nbd KAVI: but i mean.... if it's player's choice then i'm ready for more unbridled spoilage from my super sweet boyfriend =cops cop tiddies=

AURYHN: -these unbridled stallion tiddies FLEX under kavi's hands.- In that case... ~}==> 

AURYHN: -kisses down his neck to his collar tenderly, shifting over him to start pulling his shirt up as well, exposing more skin to cover in more cool, gentle smooches.- Please allow me to worship every inch of you ~}==>

KAVI: =NICE. These are the goods and Kavi's cat is showing because he's kneading them, poses gently as his shirt is pulled up :sparkle: But also.... :eyes: hot diggity= 

KAVI: when you ask that nicely how could i say no?

[makingausernameisthehardest-blog]

I'm going to start from the beginning beginning when we first met in high school up to now. We met at my High school dance my sophomore year of high school. I was friends with people she was friends with and I also knew her bitch friends that she hung out with. At the end of the dance we were all talking and I was loving the attention because she was feeling on my biceps. I was like ayee I got this bad chick feeling my muscles lol. Afterward we all went to Wendy's where her two bitch friends were at the side crying about guys while she was chilling at the table with me and my friends. It was fun. She was cute but my good friend said he was going to try and talk to her so of course I backed off. But he never actually pursued anything with her. We would occasionally talk on Facebook just being silly and being curly hair buddies. I thought she was cute but still never even really tried to talk to her. Idk why I just didn't. We didn't talk much for a while but we were cool. We started getting close because we started talking through Facebook messenger. We started to actually get to know each other and really become friends. She had nobody to go comic con with so I told her to hangout with me and my family. So we all went to comic con and had a really fun time. I thought she looked really good. As in her cosplay and very attractive. At that point we had started talking regularly and had become close friends. At one point we even went ice skating it was so much fun, then she introduced me to five guys and it happened to be really good. My timeline is a bit off but it's okay. I remember when I was working at Best Buy she came to visit me once. It was cause her friend thought she could get a PS4 on the release date LOL. But it was really nice that she came to visit me. It made me happy. What was funny was that my other best friend came to visit me that day too. It was so funny. I found it crazy how she came to visit me and my girlfriend never actually did. Then she went to a career fair at her school and applied to bed bath and beyond. She knew I was going to my school and told me I should apply so we could together and I thought that was a great idea. I'd get to work with my best friend. We both got the job and started training together. Everyday of training I would go to her house and we'd just chill. I was going through one of my breakups and was pretty emotional about it and she was there for me the entire time. She was the only person I had I could really talk to and be honest about how I was feeling. She would talk to me about her past relationship as well. I felt myself having feelings for her but I never tried anything even though it was the perfect opportunity to. I was at her house giving her a back massage with her family upstairs. But not only did I not try anything because I was hung up on my ex but also cause I'm super pussy when it comes to trying anything. lol. After that we started working at bed bath and for some reason I started becoming and worse and worse friend to her. I pretty much put her on the back burner when she was my best friend. The person who had been there for me all this time and the one who actually is the reason for me getting the job. I still feel incredibly bad and guilty for that when I think about it. It's something else I try to push to the back of my mind. She would call me and I wouldn't pick up and she would text and I would forget to respond. I wouldn't hit her up or anything. I was terrible person to her and she still called me her best friend. I didn't deserve that title but she still gave it to me anyway. I considered her my best friend as well but I sure as hell didn't act like it. I don't know why I did it part of me believes it was cause I needed to distance myself from her because of my feelings for her. I found her amazing, a great person, and absolutely beautiful. Whenever we would go out and drink i would be all over her. I wanted to be all over her. I would always hug and and sit on her and everything. I wanted to kiss her but I never did. Because I was in a relationship but I would've been too pussy to do anything anyway. That was part of why I distanced myself. I don't know what the other reasoning was. I just wasn't being a good friend or a good person to her. I still could've at least texted her. Then she became friends with a guy who I was friends with in high school, his name is Jose. I knew him as an asshole but I was cool with him. The last thing I wanted for her was to get involved with him but it happened anyway. He was treating her good and spoiling her at first so I was supportive of the relationship because he was making her happy but then it flipped. He turned into a completely asshole who emotionally abused her. She ended up moving him with him because of something that happened at home with her family. After that he took everything from her. Her life, her happiness, and even tried to take her friends. I would always tell her to break up with him but she was stuck with him. If she broke up with him she'd be homeless. I offered her a place to stay but she didn't want to be a burden to me. Whenever something happened I tried to be there for her. It hurt me a lot to see someone I care about so much going through that. I wanted to do more but I couldn't. One day he kicked her out and said things that should never be said to anyone. As soon as she contacted me I started moving as fast as I could to get to her I know she needed me. I texted our friend jess saying she needed us and jess came as fast as she could as well. That was a period of time me her and jess were hanging out a lot. All the time. That night I had her spend the night with me. I couldn't let her go back to that house. Her boyfriend thought she cheated on him with me but nothing happened that night. We just talked and played video games. It was a fun night. But the next day she went back to the house. I was so upset. I don't think I'd ever been that mad with her. I didn't want her to back. I wanted her to stay with me because I knew everything he put her through. After that happened we stopped talking as much. I wish I hadn't done that. She needed me still. What made me really distance myself was a day we were suppose to hangout and she canceled telling me that we couldn't hangout alone together because of Jose. I was incredibly hurt and angry. She put him before me and I felt like I deserved to be put ahead of him because of what he did to her but that was also selfish of me. I didn't realize the position she had been put in and put my feelings of being hurt in front of what she was going through and distanced myself. We stopped talking and I didn't see her for a long time. I fucked up as a best friend. I wasn't there for her during that time when she really needed me. I finally saw her again and realized how much I missed her. One of the first things I told her was that her boobs got bigger lmao. She told me it was cause she got fat but I still thought she was as beautiful as ever. Just like before I was all over her that night. We started talking again but still not as much as before. Fast forward to when me and my ex finally broke up for the last time. We were hanging out all the time and my feelings for her started getting stronger and stronger and I found myself getting attached to her. One night we talked a little bit about kissing. The next day we were drinking with jess and when jess went to the bathroom we looked at each other and she kissed me first. I was gunna do it but I was still kind of pussy. We made out a lot that day. It was great I had wanted to kiss her for so long and it finally happened. We didn't get into a relationship right away because I was still getting over my ex. But even before we were in a relationship she made me happier than my ex ever did, she spoiled me more, and did more for me as well. Even before we were in a relationship it was already so much better than my last. On July 3rd I felt like I was over my ex completely and wanted to officially be in a relationship with Ali. We would go out all the time it was so much fun I was so happy with her. But not long after I did something incredibly stupid. I was in Atlantic City with family having a great time with I get a text from my best friend nick asking if I was okay because of what Jonathan posted. I didn't know what he was talking about so I went on ig and saw a pic of my ex kissing Ali's ex on the head. I got very upset for more reason then one. I realized I still had feelings for her and because she knows what Ali went through with him but went after him anyway. The biggest mistake I made was contacting her without talking to Ali first. I was upset and let me emotions take over at this point. When we spoke Tati made me feel like shit. Telling me how I hurt her and making it seem like everything happened was my fault and I fucking believed her when I know that isn't true. She flipped everything and made me feel like that bad guy. Manipulating me into thinking I was wrong for moving on with Ali. Making it seem like I cheated on her or something. I told Ali about most of that conversation but not everything. It might have been that night or the next morning. I don't remember but I was feeling like shit about myself and guilty over things I shouldn't be and I texted her something very stupid. I told her I was sorry and I regretted my relationship with Ali when I know that wasn't true. It went against everything I said to her before when I said Ali makes me happy. I never told Ali about that conversation and it blew up in my face but I'll get into that later. I came back from Atlantic City stressed more than ever because of all the shit that happened. Me and Ali were still together and continued going out and creating amazing memories. I knew I loved her but I was scared to say it too soon but one day at night in Central Park she got my to say it. Technically speaking she said it first but whateverrrr. After saying it I just felt it getting stronger and stronger and I soon realized I was falling in love with her. I eventually told her and she told me she felt the same way back. But then I fucked up. This is the first fuck up though. I had plans with her but I was going to hangout with my friend ray first. We went to the gym and then played smash and smoked. I was suppose to see her after a short while but I kept her waiting for hours. I again was being a selfish asshole. She called me and hung up angrily and I didn't even try to call her again knowing she was angry. I got upset myself so I tried to justify my actions by saying that but I was the one who fucked up not her. After a few days she completely forgave me and things got back to the way they were. We were happy going out, her coming to my house and me going to hers. She spent the night a few times and we spent our holidays together. But recently I fucked up worse than ever. I lied to her, betrayed her, and everything I believe in. Someone was messaging her on tumblr talking shit and it seemed like it was my ex. We were 100% sure it was her. She wouldn't text her so we took it upon ourself to make contact. We both messaged her on ig so she could respond. She constantly said she didn't send it and then send a screenshot of the conversation from months ago. Instead of just telling Ali yes I send and just explained to her what happened I lied. I fucking lied. In my head I got scared about the relationship getting ruined not think about wtf I was doing by lying. Lying is much worse then the text I said. She was defending me saying she didn't believe that I sent the text and I said nothing. I let her believe that didn't send that text. I knew it was wrong and I knew I was being a piece shit but I just let keep going. In my head something was telling me it was the smart thing to do even though I knew it wasn't. She trusted me and I fucked that up. If I was in her shoes I would be incredibly hurt and have trouble believing what she would have to say after that. I completely ended my last relationship because of lying and I went and lied to the one person who never lied to me and trusted me completely. I made her feel like shit and even though she already forgave me I don't feel like I deserve it. I honestly am sorry about lying and I swear on my life that I don't do it again but that doesn't take back the fact that I lied. The fact I made her look bad. I can't do anything to take that back and it sucks. I should've came clean. I even fucking promised. I fucking promised. I take that shit seriously and went against what I even believe in. We're suppose to be able to trust each other and I broke that and it makes me feel like shit about myself. I'm at a new low right now I deserve whatever shit she were to give me right now. I have no excuses. I fucked up when I shouldn't have. I want to chance in the near future to build that trust up again and never break it. I love her with all my heart and I shouldn't hurt her. I promised never to hurt her again and I fucking did. I broke 2 promises. I won't do it again. I won't fuck up again I can't. I can't ruin this. I want my future to be with her. I want to make her happy and I want her to trust me.