#also made me sad that ive forgotten so much about college :(

[fizzingwizard]

in a writing rut. but here's something i scribbled to try to get the creative juices flowing. it amused me. i might do something with it

totally unfinished, random ideas. moomins at (american) college, but this is fantasy so it's not america, it's troll land or whatever haha

~~~

"Moomintroll, why don't you try something new for a change?" Snorkmaiden asked.

"Something new? Like what?"

"I don't know. How about rugby?"

"Rugby?"

“Well, you have the right build for it. And wouldn't it be fun to win?”

“More fun than losing, anyhow.”

"Oh, pooh! The risk is what makes competition so exhilarating!”

Moomintroll pulled a face. With a huff, his girlfriend folded her arms. Today her fur was tinted a whimsical fuchsia hue. She used to keep it white, because "white goes with everything." Lately, though, it seemed she'd entered an experimental phase. Which was fitting. Why else did people go to college, except to try on a hundred shiny new personalities out of sight of those who knew them in high school? They certainly didn’t come for the academics.

"It's up to you, of course. But if you ask me, your life could use a shake-up. You practically live in your dorm. You don't come to campus events. Class is the only place we ever see you."

Moomintroll bit back the urge to retort that this was college, you were supposed to live in a dorm and go to class. Snorkmaiden liked sarcasm, but not when she was lecturing. (She also didn’t like to be described as lecturing.)

"You're seeing me right now," he pointed out instead.

"But in twenty minutes I'm going to the Midnight Breakfast, and you won't even join me for that! There will be pancakes, Moomintroll!"

"I don't like pancakes."

"Yes you do!"

Shuffling his feet, Moomintroll turned his back to her and pretended to search for something on his desk. He opened the drawer. Inside there was a little tin box, where he kept shells and sea glass worn smooth by the waves.

In a small voice, he muttered, "I like the way Mamma makes them."

Snorkmaiden heaved a long-suffering sigh. He felt a pang of guilt, and wished he'd kept his thoughts to himself.

"I know you miss home, my Moomintroll." Her paw came to rest on his arm. With the other, she nudged the drawer with the tin box shut. "But this is your chance to live your own life, however you want it. Remember how we used to stay up late planning adventures for when we grew up? You wanted to be a pirate!”

"Trolleton College doesn't offer a major in piracy."

"Comp sci!" Snorkmaiden chirped.

"Wrong sort of pirate."

At last she let the subject drop. But he could sense her disappointment, even though she talked and giggled the same as always. It rankled. He knew he should feel grateful that she cared. And she had waited over a year to start gently prodding him to put more effort into collegiate life. Now, half-way through their sophomore year, Snorkmaiden was in every club her packed schedule would allow for and had friends in every department. She never lacked for something to do or someone to do it with. Compared to her, his daily routine of go to class, eat lunch, go to class, eat dinner, study, then sleep, looked pretty sad indeed.

It hit him suddenly, as Snorkmaiden’s twenty minutes ran out and she took one last swing at persuading him to come to the midnight breakfast (“There won’t only be pancakes - last year they had scrambled eggs, fried ham, sausage, fruit, not to mention donuts!”), that Snorkmaiden was popular. In the small valley where the two of them met, grew up, and fell in love, he’d never noticed. People liked her, of course. But back home people were rather scarce.

She nuzzled his cheek, waving as she exited his room, the buttons from various campus events that covered her backpack twinkling in the light. They sported slogans like “Go Green,” “Save The Arctic: Polar Bears Menacing But Too Cute To Die,” and “I ♥ Ethical Environmental Policies.” He wondered how she could enjoy living in Trolleton, surrounded by brick and cement, not a tree to be seen that hadn’t been planted last year by boy scouts. At night, instead of the hushed parley of frogs and crickets, their lullaby was police sirens and motorcycles ripping down the street.

His stomach growled. Moomintroll looked at the clock. Just after eleven. He opened his mini fridge and took out a frozen pizza.

The first time he ate pizza, he was around fifteen. His family never traveled much farther than the mountains, although they loved to talk about it. But a winning sweepstakes ticket took them out of the valley to the Riviera, where they found the cozy pizza restaurant. It was real pizza, with fresh basil and tomatoes, baked in a massive wood-fire oven. The cook slid it out on a huge wooden slab, the cheese still bubbling. Even the memory made his mouth water.

The frozen pizza was rock-hard. Heating it in the microwave always left the crust soggy. Moomintroll clutched the box, wrestling with indecision. It might not be too late to catch up with Snorkmaiden. Honestly, the scrambled eggs at the caf were like rubber and only marginally edible. But donuts never let you down.

Before he could talk himself out of it, he threw on a scarf, grabbed his lanyard with his student ID, and hurried out of his dorm. Outside was dark, the lights streaming from the cafeteria beckoning. Over the archway hung a banner:

MIDNIGHT BREAKFAST! At the caf, 10:00 p.m. - 1:00 a.m. Tuesday, December 10th. We know you all want to cram in a few more precious hours of study, but you’ve still got to eat! Power up with good food and good friends! Food is free with your student ID. 5 silver coins for students without a meal plan. Best of luck! Show those finals who’s boss! Sponsored by the student union.

At the door, Moomintroll hesitated. There were a lot of people inside. A lot of people. It wasn’t like he was shy. But how was he to find Snorkmaiden? He didn’t want to be that awkward guy eating a stack of donuts by himself in the corner. He’d probably wind up with a horrid nickname that would stick with him for the two and half years - longer if he went to grad school - something like “Corner Donut Boy.”

Grabbing a tray, he made his way around the buffet table. He snagged two jelly donuts, one custard donut, and a cinnamon-dusted stick thing with a placard that read CHURRO. Then he scooped up some sausages, since they were there, and a few hash browns for the salt.

With his tray loaded, he took it and wandered around dismally. Every table was occupied. Should have thought to bring a doggy bag.

A gasp. “Ooh! Moomintroll!”

Snorkmaiden shot up so fast that her table rattled. “Over here!” she cried. “Move over, Sniff, move, move!”

“Why do I have to move?” Sniff cried. “It’s just Moomintroll. I was here first. Let him sit on the floor!”

“But he’s my boyfriend and I want to sit next to him.”

“So?”

“So, girlfriend privilege. Scoot over!”

Sniff’s whiskers twitched, but he made room on the bench. Moomintroll squeezed in between them with a sheepish grin.

“Thanks, Sniff.”

“Don’t thank me! She twisted my arm!”

“Well, thanks to your arm, then.”

“Come on, Sniff. We’re happy Moomintroll’s here!” Snorkmaiden said, raising her eyebrows with meaning. “We’re so happy our friend made it down here to hang out with us before finals after all.”

“Why are you looking at me like that? Moomintroll, what is she doing?”

“Being subtle.”

Sniff stared at him, mouth open. “... Huh?”

Moomintroll picked up a jelly donut. “Want a donut, Sniff?”

Donuts were the one thing Sniff loved more than not having to share his seat.

“So is this boyfriend?” someone asked. Moomintroll squinted, but no one appeared to have spoken. Across the table sat a rather gaunt hemulen, quivering as he pored over an entomology textbook (whether the quivering was the result of lack of sleep, nerves, or too much caffeine wasn’t immediately clear). To his left was a pretty girl with enormous blue eyes, her red hair bundled in a tidy knot. Next to her, a round, sturdy blonde in a striped shirt gazed dreamily into a mug of cocoa.

Moomintroll was gobsmacked to realize he didn’t know a single one of Snorkmaiden’s friends (apart from Sniff, who he couldn’t help knowing - Sniff was his brother, of sorts). Apparently she flitted like a butterfly through the different circles of friends on campus.

“Um.” He bit into a hash brown. “... Did someone say something?”

“I did,” answered the same voice. Once again, no one’s mouth appeared to move.

Moomintroll blinked twice, then rubbed his eyes.

“Down here, idiot.”

Someone jabbed his leg. Hard. In shock, Moomintroll bent and tried to fit his snout under the table. There, on the floor, stood a very small girl in a red dress, sneering. She also had vibrant red hair in a knot like the pretty girl, but her demeanor couldn’t have been more different.

“Well, didn’t your mama teach you it’s impolite to stare?” the tiny… student? … shouted at him.

“Oh - sorry - I didn’t realize you were down there is all. Er. I didn’t step on you, did I?”

The girl cocked one brow at Snorkmaiden. “He’s quite the catch, your lover boy.”

“Moomintroll.” Snaking an arm through his, Snorkmaiden snuggled in close. “Let me introduce you. This is Little My. She doesn’t always eat under the table. Sometimes she sits on top. But she said Hemulen’s moaning gave her indigestion.”

“Nice - nice to meet you,” he stammered, suddenly feeling quite anxious.

“And this is her sister, Mymble,” Snorkmaiden added.

The pretty redhead smiled.

“You don’t… mind that your sister eats under the table?” Moomintroll asked.

“Oh no,” Mymble replied. “She’s always stirring up trouble, you see, and makes me run after her. If she’s not trying to go for a ride on a frisbee, she’s photocopying her face in the library, or leaving toy roaches in RA’s shoes. I’ve had so many discussions with the dean on her account. If she’s under the table I don’t have to worry at all, except if she starts biting ankles.”

That explained this strange anxiety. Little My did give the impression she was likely to take a bite of his ankle instead of the pancakes.

“I hate it when she bites,” Sniff grumbled.

“It’s all right,” the blonde girl said. Her voice was as airy and dream-like as her eyes. “Keep your ankles out of reach and you’ll be perfectly fine.”

Sniff quickly tucked his knees in. “That’s easy for you to say!”

“Expect the best and prepare for the worst,” grinned Little My.

 The girl in the striped shirt suddenly drained her cocoa and stood, plopping a funny blue hat with a red pom on her shaggy crop.

“Are you leaving, Too-ticky?” Snorkmaiden asked.

“Yes. My first exam is at eight-thirty, and I like to get a full eight hours’ sleep. Good-bye, everyone.”

She even walked away dreamily.

“Sleep well, Tooti,” Mymble sang.

“She’s very nice,” Snorkmaiden told Moomintroll. “A bit - odd - but who isn’t?”

“And she’s a philosophy major,” piped in Little My. “They’re all a little whiz-bang-watchamacallit, if you get my meaning."

“What’s your major then?” Moomintroll asked, to be polite.

Still under the table, Little My appeared to turn her head a full 180 degrees, fixing him with her piercing green eyes. She bared her teeth. “Toxic mycology.”

Moomintroll gulped. “I didn’t know the majors here were so… specific.”

“I customized my own,” she answered. “And what’s yours? Let me guess. Undeclared?”

It sounded like an insult, the way she said it. Which was ridiculous. Lots of students went undeclared in freshman year. And sometimes their sophomore year too. Nothing wrong with that. Still, he found he was once again stammering. “No - well, yes - but I have - an intention to declare a major soon…”

“Oh, you do?” Snorkmaiden perked up, turning to him with interest. “What did you finally decide? Tell me, I’m all ears!”

“Ehm… agricultural… something…”

“Agriculture?” Little My scowled. “Aren’t you afraid that if you start a farm, you’ll be mistaken for one of your cows?”

That ruffled Moomintroll’s fur. “People usually say Moomins look like hippos, not cows,” he shot back haughtily.

Snorkmaiden patted his shoulder, in warning, perhaps. “My sweet. That’s… not the flex you think it is.”

Little My shrugged. “I’m just saying. But I guess you know all about farming, growing up in that lovely, open valley Snorkmaiden goes on about.”

“Moomintroll doesn’t have a farm,” Sniff interjected, helping himself to Moomintroll’s questionable "churro." “His papa doesn’t work. Moominmamma has a garden, with big tomatoes and cucumbers in the summer, and squash in the fall. But she doesn’t sell them. I told her she ought to, but she said if he sold her vegetables, what would she have to cook my birthday dinner? So I said maybe she could sell only some of the vegetables, and leave enough for my birthday dinner. But she worried that then she wouldn’t have enough to make sandwiches for Mrs Fillyjonk’s tea.”

Sniff, naturally, was a business major.

“Pappa works,” Moomintroll objected. “He writes books.”

“Anything good?” Little My asked.

“Yes. Lots.”

“Anything I’ve read?”

Moomintroll thought for a while. Snorkmaiden drummed her fingers on her cheek with a look of deep boredom.

At last he settled for: “Well, when he publishes his memoirs, I’ll send you a copy, and you can judge for yourself.”

Little My set her jaw and nodded. “You do that.”

“Snorkmaiden dear,” interjected Mymble. “Do you want more cocoa?”

“Gosh, yes!” Snorkmaiden exclaimed, seizing her mug. “I meant to go earlier but - oh, looks like they’ve run out…”

“No problem,” Mymble said. “I can get us some from the back. Wait a little.”

She sashayed off. Moomintroll watched her go, perplexed. “What ‘back’ does she mean?”

“She means she’s going to flirt with Marco the cafeteria worker, and get him to dip into the cocoa bins in the supply room.” Little My made a noise of frustration. “I thought grad school would teach her to cool off some, but the minute she spies anything shiny with washboard abs and a few chin whiskers, off she goes…”

Managing Marco didn’t take long. Mymble returned after a while with cocoa packets for each of them. When she offered one to the Hemulen, he pinned it to the table lightning quick, muttering about bluebottle butterflies.

“Now let’s talk about something else,” said Mymble.

“Like what?” Little My pulled herself onto the table in Too-ticky’s spot.

“I don’t know. Pick something.”

“Fine. Piranhas.”

“Nothing that bites,” Sniff cut in, shivering.

“Moomintroll, you pick,” said Snorkmaiden.

He was taken aback. “Why me?” he cried, but she only looked at him expectantly. Frantically shifting through his mind, he tried to summon a topic that everyone would like, something interesting, something current.

“How about finals?”

“Finals?” For someone of her stature, Little My had quite the thunderous voice. “Groke take me. We came here to get a break from the endless facts going round and round in our heads, and all you can think of talking about is exams?”

“... Or something else,” he squeaked.

(to be continued.... ????)

[pearl-likes-pi]

i honestly dont know hoe to say this, but you really had a hand in shaping my brai chemistry while i was growing up, no kidding. i remember when i was 13 or so and whenever you posted a pearl rap career chapter it would unironicaly make my day (specially when you dropped the peridot chapter i had a stomach infection or smth, so that video and the last one out of beach city episode were on replay for me for a few days). its really weird seeing that rebecca managed to make a safe space for lgbt folks (it was really hard for me to accept myself as gay, it seems really simple nowadays but back then it was so discomforting to even thinm about it so su and its fandom, and by some extent, your vids, helped me externalize some feelings or queernes i guess, do you remeber when someone said your video editing was raw and masculine? lol). anyways, its wild to think i was in 5th grade when i first watched laser light canon and now im finishing my journalism course in college and seeing how this show raised me in some way and helped me to be aware of my own mental health i only have good memories, thankfully, and its really sad to see that it ended, but i honestly wouldnt have had it any other way. its kind of a long rant but id like to thank you, mackenzie, your videos made me laugh a lot when i was a teen and they still make me now. this show was truly a gift, it made us connect to something bigger and magical. this was kind of a long rant since ive kinda forgotten that su existed and remined that it existed because of some dreams lol. i remembered back then when i was super anxious about the cluster episode, i remeber checking your tumblr everyday and seeing fanon content. i really dont know how to express myself since english is not my first language and i tend to ramble on a lot on my native one, but id like to say youve made me smile a lot, it was so cool seeing you present the su podcast and being an intern at CN. i honestly wish you the best.

Dude it means so much to hear that my lil shitposts have had an impact on people!!!! I completely understand where youre coming from re: SU's impact on your life (and acceptance of queer identity) and feel the same way!!! im so grateful for this show and everything it represents. in a world without Steven Universe my current life would be completely unrecognizable. like genuinely I dont think any single aspect of my life would be the way it is without SU. which is nuts but it's true!!!

I love engaging with this community and it gave me a lot of support when I was at a place in my life where I felt pretty isolated. I'm kind of rambling now too but this seriously has been sitting in my inbox for a bit now and I just knew i needed to respond and say thank you for sharing. <3

ALSO LMAO I FORGOT ABT THE RAW AND MASCULINE COMMENT THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME HAHA

[chynandri]

thoughts about sex education season 4 🥲

so i watched the previous 3 seasons 2 years ago, honestly ive forgotten much of my previous opinions or what happened before lol. i remember thinking this show was falling off due to... i think... probably the convoluted relationship stuff with maeve and otis in s3...? again i dont remember lol.

i think my almost blank slate is probably the best kind of perspective to have gone into watching this season because i probably wouldve had more expectations and preconceptions otherwise lmao! so thats why i can say i really enjoyed this final season

i liked the new setting of the college and examining the pitfalls of its performative progressiveness. i liked the new characters, to me it's always good to have MORE trans and disabled characters. as usual otis is probably the most annoying part of the show.... not that i cant say he's realistically written, but his lack of communication can get pretty annoying LOL.

i liked the development of old and new characters, i really am still impressed by how they manage to flesh out almost every character to some degree and make them redeemable or understandable. this show is largely about empathy and written with empathy, i can feel it. but is also not afraid to make them an asshole or flawed

eric's religious arc was very?? intriguing??? like unexpected they would go this kind of direction with the visions???? also thought it was very sly of them to give him the nickname 'saviour' this season and have it be foreshadowing a way bigger meaning later on... but the finale scene with god telling him to spread the true message of christianity was soooooooo. i felt it was very brave. eric is easily one of the best characters fr

and the scene after that was especially powerful to me too. the solidarity between these 3 black characters, and cal saying 'i dont think the world really wants people like me in it'... that statement was just really representative of the politics and feelings of today, to me. and in perspective of the politics in the uk for the past couple of years, it really makes me.... profoundly sad to think on. i take it a little personally, as someone who lived in the uk for 6 years and saw things get. well. kind of worse and worse over there before i left.

which leads me to what i really want to say... i think it is so important this show existed. im sure there is a lot to critique about its execution. at times it felt a little too instructional/like a psa. some character arcs lacked time or depth. at times it was too politically correct etc... but i think it matters that it tried so much and it had a lot of heart. and that every character on here was written with dignity and empathy. and that so much representation was gathered here on one show, and that it really tried to touch on... SO many experiences and topics. so in the end im just left impressed and glad something like this was made

[asbestieos]

we used to be friends, way before, and like, wow, youve gone so far, proud of you

🥹🥹🥹 oh my goodness!! anon if youre who i think you are (i am somewhat confident in my silly hunch), im so happy to know youre still out there even if we dont talk anymore!!! admittedly i have the most terrible memory ever so i barely remember much of our time together (i wish i remembered more!! but as is, i cant even remember the last time i showered lmfao) but since its been such a long time, i hope its ok if i give you a Riley Life Update of the past.. two, three years? <- it feels like it has been longer than that 😭😭

2020!! i graduated!! i enrolled in school! i girlslayed hard! however due to World Events, i cant go to school in person and am relegated to online classes in my room </3 unfortunately im also in the deepest depths of my genshin phase and ran both my own And denver’s acc. sometimes i paid for her acc’s battlepass too it was bad DBDKBFJ

2021! girlslaying starting to fail from burnout and severe depression from being shut in! i passed my first semester exams with flying colors! i failed all but one of my second semester exams. also come january im both afflicted with covid and experiencing a bad bed bug infestation. #girlsuffering. i dropped out in the summer ^_^ this is when the terrible moodswings hit (i thought they were moodswings but as it turns out, i was incredibly emotionally unstable!! more on this later)

2022!! last year oh my gosh! denver and jasper/moth and i started talking about moving in together, which requires me to have money of course. so aprilish i get a job! i work at starbucks! i girlslay REALLY hard. i also start playing ensemble stars (the beginning of my curse……..). come july i had a massive breakdown and almost broke up with denver and our mutual friend group 👍 it was Bad bad.. but things worked out? <- this experience has led me to believe im probably a bpd haver becos of how wildly unstable i am. fun! crasy asf!

moving plans fall through as summer goes by, im still employed at my job, still havent gotten my license yet but it is ok i will get it soon, and come 2023, moving plans are back on!! hopefully will be seen-through ny the time summer comes…

tldr i have bpd, i dropped out and got a job, im gay a shit over idol bot gacha game, and by summer, ill hopefully be moved in with denver!! yeha those are the important updates! for me at least. randys in college now btw!!! in her sophomore year!! shes incredible truly! she lives on campus so i usually only see her once a month or so but shes literally awesome ^_^

very long update post and i made it all about me 💔 theres history between us that ive unfortunately forgotten and im sad that ive forgotten (then again i could always read back, but every time ive tried, ive only cringed at myself like OOGH is that me?? sickening) but im really glad to have gotten this anon!! if youre not the person i think you are thats okay and also i am sorry i assumed UEGEJVFDJF i needed this i think to try and reflect back on. the crazy ass time my newrly three years of adult life has been.. im 21 in july!!! crazy as hell!

i also hope the formatting is ok, i try to break up big paragraphs w/o starting a brand new one for the sake of readability <:] i think i mightbe learned that from you? i dont remember though guwbddjjd.. but i think about you on the occasion as i do with everyone ive ever met ever and im glad to know youre still kicking it like i am.. life is rough a hell 💔

theres not enough words i can say that can make up for not remembering us too well and also for saying and doing hurtful things to you if theres one thing ive not forgotten, its that i was not a very nice person way back when. but i hope now youre in a better place and you have friends who love you just as much as i did and still do!!

i have to go to work but uuwheuehehhehehrhfht thank you for reaching out anon i hope this post was nice to read and feel free to live in my inbox for forever, even if you wanna stay anonymous forever i dont mind! if youre not the person i was thinking of, rest well with the joy that youve given me a moment to reflect on myself euwhhwrh but if you ARE the person i was thinking of. im sorry i hurt you. and thank you!! i love you!! im glad you were a part of my life. i hope your day is good and your tomorrow is better!! live in my inbox if it pleases you!!

EDIT: FROGOR TO SAY IM PROUD OF YOU TOO 👍

[stardustskz]

Smile, For it Suits You

Title: Smile, for it suits you

Word count: 3.1k

Genre: best friends au, fluff, holiday au

Warnings: alcohol, drinking, sickness, typo errors (lmk of there are more)

Member: jeongin

Description: the four times Yang Jeongin ruined your new year’s and the one time you ruined his’

Notes: dedicated to @jeonginks for @districtninewriters ‘s winter exchange fic. first of all, i’m so sorry for it’s late. i was wondering on whether posting it on new year’s eve or on the morning of january 1st but thought of doing the latter. happy holidays eiko! i hope you had a blast holiday and i hope that you’ll like this one, i tried putting as much into it! 

ps. i forgot if there are any word count limit, i’m so sorry if there are

pps. i’m so b=nervous posting this idk why

i.

There’s this superstitious belief that has been going on every January 1st and you neither disagree or agree with it. Okay, scratch that… you are sensitive about it. Ever since your grandmother told your eight year old mind about it, you always made sure to make your first days of every year perfect. 

The following year, you were cautious of your entire January 1st as your parents took you out to the local theme park to celebrate the new year. The day went well with the self reminders that your young mind whispers every time you were about to lose your composure due to the small things that irk you. You went to every extreme ride that you like– perks of having the height to fool the staff for your age. You even won plushies multiple times from the crane machine and the huge human-sized bear that your father got you as a prize in that one fishing game. 

Night time was fast approaching when you decided to have an ice cream without your parents' assistance. Because you were in the age of bragging about how independent you've become seeing to it that you’ll be adding a number to your age in the following months. It was successful! You bought your chocolate coated vanilla ice cream after telling the vendor to have a happy new year. You’re on your way back to where your parents sat on a bench when you saw a boy running fast towards your direction. Your first instinct was to move away from his pathway but it seems that your mind and body forgot how to process your intentions as you fell on your butt, causing your ice cream to fall on the ground as well as stain the lower part of your favorite jacket.  

"Hey!" you called out to the boy who was now about a meter away from you. Your calm and optimism for that day gone. Because he didn’t even apologize or bother to stop from his tracks. 

The boy came to a halt from his frantic running, turned around, and yelled back,

"I'm sorry! But I'm really in a hurry!" he then looked at you apologetically then continued running to god knows where. And oh boy, you were so annoyed as he turned out to be Yang Jeongin from your class. Your everyone-loves-and-adores-him classmate. Everyone falls for his stupid cheeky smile and almost everyone in your class has a huge crush on him. Which is you think, stupid, you were all in fourth grade, how does one know who to like? After that incident your day went sliding downwards, from getting scolded by your parents for ruining your white shirt to losing your favorite hanky from riding the Vikings and you only have one person to blame and it was and still is, Yang Jeongin.

ii.

Quite opposite from your dislike towards Yang Jeongin, you gained the ‘honor’ to be his best friend during 7th grade. It just… happened. When Han Jisung decided to be a dear who made you audition, forcefully, for your school’s theatre club, it so happened that Jeongin was a part of it too. 

Now, during your junior year in high school, you were currently in one of your senior Minho’s parties before the new year. You were in the middle of talking to Jisung and Jeongin when you felt your surroundings started to spin, 

"Hey, I'll just use the bathroom for a bit" you said, excusing yourself from all the talking. You don’t have a clue why you’re feeling nauseous when you only had a cup or two of what seems to be a soda, well, it tastes like it.

"You okay?" Jeongin asked, his tone laced with concern.

"Yeah, I'm fine" you replied, starting your way to where the comfort room was. It was when you started throwing out all the contents of your stomach when you felt a hand on your back, patting it in a calming manner while their other hand puts away the stray strands of your hair from your face. 

"Is this what you call fine? I thought you won’t drink tonight?" he jokingly said, chuckling a bit by your earlier tough act.

"Well, yeah I also thought I wouldn’t." you rolled your eyes at him through the mirror by the sink after you gargled with water. Maybe it wasn’t just a soda after all. You glanced at the door, furrowing your brows when you noticed that it was closed. 

"You closed the door?" you asked him.

"Yeah? I did?" he said innocently.

"There's a reason I left it open dumbass" you said, trying to call out for help but of course people wouldn't hear you due to the loud, obnoxious music blasting by the speakers in the living room, you even heard people shouting. 

"Oh… I didn't see the sign?" Jeongin said, a bit unsure of himself. Truthfully, he doesn't remember seeing it but he may have forgotten that Jisung told him something about not closing a door because the lock was not working well. Maybe this is the door he was talking about. Jeongin pondered.

It was dreadfully silent, but it was a comfortable one, with you frustrated of how the fuck are you both gonna get out before the countdown. You left your purse with Jisung containing both your phones. There’s no way you’ll be able to get out unless Jisung remembers the absence of your presence and he probably won’t do that until after the countdown. Because Jisung tends to get overly excited about fireworks that he’ll forget that you and Jeongin aren’t back yet.

"5 minutes until the countdown, are we really spending our new year here?" you asked, a bit sad to miss the fireworks display and spend your first minutes of the new year inside a bathroom. What a way to start the year.

"I’m sorry, we’re stuck here" Jeongin said, cautious of whether you’re mad or not. You went closer to where Jeongin sat inside the bathtub, planning to sit beside him.

“I’m not mad, just… annoyed?” You said, sitting beside him and laying your head on his shoulder, maybe it was the alcohol or how comfortable you were around your best friend but you soon drifted to a deep slumber after hearing the fireworks explode outside, remembering to greet Jeongin a “Happy New Year, Jeongin” before completely shutting down.

And if Jisung said something about you getting locked last year in Minho's bathroom and only managing to get out the following year, as if it’s a good joke, you definitely punched him for it.

iii.

The news of Jeongin and his family moving to your neighborhood the following year surprised you. Of course you were ecstatic about it, even more when you saw their moving truck beside your house. You were about to be neighbors! Ever since then, you’ve been spending most of your time with Jeongin, more than what you both used to, your moms also got a lot closer. Which is why they decided to celebrate New Year’s Eve with both families. 

A few hours before the countdown, you decided to hide away in your room, deciding to sleep before the clock strikes 12 because you sure are exhausted by all the preparations. You were lying in your bed with your feet dangling at the bottom, the happenings from earlier that day flashing in your mind. You heard the door to your room opened but you didn’t even bother to look at who it is. 

“Everyone’s looking for you” Jeongin’s familiar voice said. He went closer to your figure only to see that you have your eyes closed, he thought that you’re already asleep,

“I’m tired, let me sleep for a while.” you said, eyes still closed. You tapped the space beside you signaling for him to sit there if he wants. However, Jeongin chose to lie down beside you. And you never opposed it. 

“Wake me up before the countdown.” you said, tiredness completely settling in your system, the hazy figures in your mind beginning to be more vivid as your dream completely took over your consciousness.

Jeongin rolled his eyes at your command, but he will anyway. Turning on his side, his sharp looking gaze softened as his eyes landed on you. He carefully watched how your eyes are now closed, with your lashes curled adorably. You look like an angel whenever you’re sleeping. You were never this peaceful looking when you’re awake because you're the type to furrow your brows more than smile on a daily basis. But right now, your brows are not furrowed even in the slightest bit and the corners of your lips are lightly pointing upwards, a sign that maybe, you’re having a good dream. It continued like this when Jeongin realized that he’s also falling asleep, and even falling harder, as he kissed the night with a goodbye as well.

You both completely missed the countdown but it wasn’t like you were mad about it. When you woke up the next morning, with your best friend still beside you, you figured it was a shame to not witness the fireworks display for two years in a row but you had a great time with finally sleeping for more than eight hours. 

Despite that, yes, you still blame Jeongin.

iv.

It was the first time that you’ll be spending your new year in a different place than your own home. You were already in your third year in college and your group of friends decided to spend your new year at a vacation house near the provinces of your country. Of course, your parents only allowed you to go if Jeongin would be there and thank god you both are in the same circle of friends. 

The original plan was to go together as a group and ride Chan’s van all throughout your three day escapade. However, you have to attend a family gathering in the morning of December 31st, which was the reason why you were left with Jeongin and his truck. You had everything prepared, from the music for the road trip to the snacks that you two bought from your shopping two days prior. And the only thing left is the long journey. Your friends already arrived at the destination by the time you and Jeongin left your place. You were both jamming to different genres of songs, with you feeding Jeongin a chip or two from time to time,

“You can sleep, you know, we still have a long way.” Jeongin said, glancing at you as you yawn from the passenger’s seat. 

“No, no. I can’t leave you for yourself. You can also get sleepy anytime soon.” You said, cautious of possible incidents that may occur. 

“Suit yourself y/n” He said, as you blasted an even livelier song on his radio. 

You were both listening to ‘Wannabe’ with Jeongin doing the shoulder dance and his eyes almost disappearing due to all the smiling and singing when the car slowed down in a not so good manner, as you think.

“What’s happening?” you asked him, maybe panicking for a bit because you were both currently in the middle of nowhere and the sun was already setting. 

“I don’t exactly know,” Jeongin said, his bright smile no longer visible as he stared down on the steering wheel, wondering what the fuck is wrong with his truck. 

“It won’t start.” he said, after a few attempts of once again turning on the car’s engine.

“I should go find help somewhere nearby.” you said, because clearly, your phone’s signal isn’t working as well. 

“No, we should go together, it’s dangerous,” he said preparing to get off the car as well

“Help me push the car to the side of the road first.” he added, then you both worked on it. 

After grabbing all your important belongings, you both started walking forward, continuing the path of the road in hopes of seeing a gas station or an apparel or something.

“I feel like I brought upon misfortune with you whenever we celebrate the new year together.” Jeongin said, probably blaming himself for what just happened.

“It’s not like we can control everything that’s happening around us.” you replied, looking at Jeongin’s sullen expression. 

“Hey! Don’t frown, you look like someone who’ll eat me up alive” you told him. Well, he’s not particularly frowning but Jeongin’s scary whenever he’s not smiling. You noticed the sky slowly get dark and you managed to get sight of something bright at the road ahead.

“Still, I’m sorry this happened, y/n.” he said, coming to a stop only to lock his gaze on yours to sincerely apologize. 

“Stop apologizing dumbass, look I can see something ahead.” you said, mirroring his gaze and smiling as brightly as you can. Jeongin has been your support ever since you two have been attached to the hip. His bright personality is so much of a contrast to your snarly, hostile and strong attitude. And he brightens up your day almost everyday even though he can also annoy the hell out of you. But still, you can’t bring yourself to hate or get mad at him. Because a single smile from Jeongin, all your irritations and annoyance will surely melt away. It just does. The moment Jeongin smiled at you, with his cheeky grin that managed to show his dimples, as a reply, and nodded in agreement and determination, to walk towards where you were pointing out, all your worries for that night went away. Together with your belief that all new years are supposed to be spent in a perfect manner. Because this time, although you spent your new year by the parking lot of the gas station that you both found, you don’t blame Jeongin for all the things that went wrong in that specific year. And at the very least, you get to spend it with the person you cherish the most.

v.

“Why did you decide to spend your January 1st with me dumbass” you asked him, as you opened the door to your dorm, thanking your roommate who went home for the holidays. 

“Well, my also, ‘dumbass’ best friend stayed at the dorms for the holidays and worked themselves up because of finals and now they can’t go home due to a very high fever.” he rambled. You finally let him in because you can already feel your limbs giving up on you. 

“Look! You can’t even stand up on your own!” Jeongin scolded, wrapping his arm around you while he escorted you back to your bedroom. He managed to tuck you in your bed and placed a cooling pad on your forehead before he quickly left for the kitchen, without saying a word. Minutes later, he came back with a bowl of porridge in between his hands.

“You can cook?” you teased.

“Eat.” he said, his expression was serious so you had no choice than to immediately oblige on his command, yes, he was mad and you are kinda scared of this type of Jeongin. You quickly finished it and took the medicine that he gave.

“Do you not have any other plans today?” you asked him, your voice almost a whisper.

“Someone ruined my original plans for me.” he said with his tone a bit more harsh than usual. 

“If that someone was me then I don’t need you here.” you said, irritated by his tone, you turned around to face the other side of your bed in order to avoid seeing him. Jeongin must have figured out that you’re mad at him, due to the change of your tone. He took a deep sigh,

“It’s not like that,” he started.

“I already warned you a week ago about overworking yourself and look where it brought you!” he said, his voice now more calm than before,

“And check your phone please.” he added. Your phone? You haven’t checked your phone since last night due to this stupid fever and apparently- Oh. There are multiple calls and texts from him. 

“I asked auntie regarding your whereabouts and I knew from her that you’re down with fever because I thought you went home yesterday morning, to make it in time for new year’s eve.” Jeongin said, you turned around again with your guilt forming because you forgot to tell him.

“I was worried, y/n. I prepared something for you last night, we were supposed to-” you cut him off,

“I’m sorry, I forgot to tell you,” you said, trying to find his gaze,

“Are you mad?” you asked, taking his hand that was resting on his sides.

“N-no, I’m not. I just-” he took another sigh, “I was just so worried, we can continue whatever road trip I prepared for us anytime this year just please don’t disappear on me again.” he said, more like, begged as he held your hand between his’. 

“Okay,” you said, reaching out to ruffle his hair.

“I won’t do it again, now please smile?” you asked, hoping for him to please just smile again.

Because did he just see you act cute in front of him? Apparently, yes.

“Oh my god okay!” he said and laughed out loud.

“Don’t do that again, this is why I’m the cute one between us!” he said, holding his abdomen for his dear life from laughing too much. You frowned. But this is better. 

“I’m sorry for ruining your first day of the year.” you said, because he wouldn’t be able to go out as he chose to take care of you.

“It’s fine, I intended to spend it with you in the first place” he said, still recovering from the good laugh that he just experienced.

“Wait, so you’re supposed to take me to star gazing?!” you asked, your eyes widening in surprise.

“Yeah? I’m sure my truck won’t fail me this time but you did.” he said, you’ve been bothering him about this request of yours since last year due to his car ruining new year for the both of you. 

“Hey! You already forgave me for that!” Jeongin only laughed and told you to go rest and sleep already. At first, you refused to, but you remembered that you’re still down with a fever and your body gave up on you already. But that day, you fell asleep with a smile on your face. All these time, from the previous years that you had until now, you were searching for perfection for all your first days of the year. However what or rather, who you really need is someone that would stay with you no matter how much misfortune you get. And gladly, you have a dumbass of a best friend for that. 

[the-littlest-goblin]

Hey! For the WIP thing, e/c college au?

ooh this one’s fun. Shadowgast college/modern with magic au with a whole lot of academic magic talk. Caleb and Essek are research assistants to Yussa and Waccoh, respectively, who are forced to work together on a research project despite their long-standing rivalry. While their bosses go on an enemies-to-colleagues (to lovers, maybe???) journey, Caleb and Essek bond over dunamancy.

I really love this au but it lacks enough plot to justify the worldbuilding, and also parts of it got piecemeal-ed into other fics so it seems kind of redundant now. I haven’t totally given up on it, but it’s definitely on the back burner. since I’m so fond of it, you get a much longer excerpt than necessary: 

“That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard in my life!” Professor Waccoh announced her arrival by shoving the door open like it had wronged her in a very cruel and personal manner. Yussa stormed in behind her, his robes swishing aggressively, as if they too were possessed with a righteous fury.

“Your plan will never work!” he cried. “The experiment will be over before it begins, because all our materials will have melted.”

“They won’t if we get mithril sheets instead of steel!” Waccoh countered.

“And blow a third of our grant funds on day one? What lunacy!”

Caleb and Essek exchanged long-suffering looks. Their first day as co-lab assistants to the joint research team of Waccoh and Errenis was not looking to be a pleasant one.

“Are we still on for tutoring later tonight?” Essek whispered under the noise of their bosses’ continuing argument.

“Of course,” Caleb answered. They were both standing against the wall at the edge of the lab, awaiting instruction, writing utensils at the ready to take down notes, but neither Yussa nor Waccoh seemed to realize they were even in the room. They had eyes only for each other.

“Of course we have to enchant the materials first! It will be so much easier than waiting until everything is assembled!”

“So what am I supposed to do, just sit here twiddling my thumbs and wait an eternity for you to cast your stupid spells? No way! I’m building the engine first, then I can move on with my life while you spend another decade enchanting it.”

“If you would just listen to reason, Tuss…”

Essek leaned over to Caleb again. “Perhaps it would be more efficient if we start now?”

Caleb looked up from the cat he’d been doodling in the margins of his notebook. It looked more like a sausage with legs and a tail—he was no Jester.

“What do you mean?”

“Here.” Grabbing his bag in one hand, Essek put the other on Caleb’s elbow and guided him to the next table over. Neither professor commented.

Sitting down, Essek pulled a cinderblock of a textbook out of his bag. The front cover showed a galaxy of stars overlaid with geometric designs and bold, block letters reading: Fundamentals of Dunamancy. And under that, in slightly smaller letters: Leylas Kryn, PhD. It was littered with sticky notes poking out the side of nearly every page.

Essek flipped open to one marking about a fourth of the way through the book, labeled CALEB.

“So,” Essek began, and Caleb scrambled to turn his notebook to a fresh page. “We left off last time talking about dunamis, correct?”

“Yes,” Caleb confirmed. “And the beacons.”

“Right. So you understand the origins of dunamancy.”

“I am a little unclear,” Caleb admitted. Curious, he glanced over to the other side of the lab. Yussa and Waccoh had migrated to the chalkboard, where they appeared to be laying out their respective arguments in bullet-point form. They did not seem to be in need of any assistance. He turned back to Essek.

“The beacons are fonts of magic, but they are also religious relics, correct?”

Essek nodded.

“But dunamancy is an arcane subject,” Caleb continued. “It does not come from worship of this Luxon figure, the way clerical magic is derived from deities. It is a realm of academic study.” Essek nodded again. “So, where does the religious connection come in?”

“Well, you have stumbled upon a matter of great controversy,” Essek answered. “Personally, I believe religion has nothing to do with it. If you ask me, the beacons’ connection to the Luxon is a historical note, a misguided invention from a time with a more primitive understanding of magic. If we were wise, we would disregard any writings that talk of its divine origins and approach the subject from a fresh perspective. But,” Essek mouth twisted into a bitter smile, “if you ask Professor Kryn, you will get a very different answer.”

“I see,” said Caleb, mind whirring as it mulled over the new information.

“But that debate is not essential to our lessons. You don’t need to understand the depths of the beacons in order to practice basic dunamancy. Although, I appreciate your curiosity.” His smile softened as he surveyed Caleb. “You have an uncanny talent for getting directly to the heart of the matter.”

Don’t ask so many questions, Bren.

Caleb blinked hard against the voice echoing at the back of his mind.

“Have these beacons been studied very closely?”

Essek tilted his head to the side, considering. “A bit? It’s difficult, with them being such cherished cultural artifacts. Most of the examination that has been done was conducted by archeologists and historians. A handful of arcanists in recent years, including Leylas, have been permitted to study them, but it’s an extremely thorough vetting process.” He paused, jaw working as though he was unsure about whether to allow the next words past his lips.

“The vetting is mostly done by high level clerics within the worship. I imagine Leylas’ long history of devout practice made them more inclined to allow her access.”

Caleb noted the tinge of sadness—and was that resentment?—in his voice. But Essek was speaking again before he could comment.

“I can send you some articles on the topic, if you wish to investigate further,” he said. “In the meantime, we move forward.”

Though it remained open in front of them, Essek hardly consulted the textbook once as their lesson continued. It was difficult not to pay attention when he talked; the smooth timber of his voice paired with the undeniable enthusiasm he had for the subject kept Caleb enraptured, Even the most basic elements, clearly known by rote, Essek explained with a spark of passion in his eye, which grew brighter with every question or clarification Caleb parried back.

He was an excellent teacher.

They had almost entirely forgotten about the job they were meant to be doing, and their bickering superiors, until over an hour later. While Essek was guiding Caleb through a diagram of common somatic movements for dunamantic spells, Yussa called out,

“Caleb! I need you to go to my office and retrieve my copy of Otiluke’s Guide to Enchantment, Volume IV. I have a point to prove!”

ask game

[honestlyimstilllivinginthe90s]

Golden |Drew Soulmate AU| Two|

A/n lowkey ngl im like really proud of this chapter. i really hope y’all like it. also idk if i wanna write a smutty chapter for the next part. i’d love to hear your opinion on if i should or not because ive never written smut before so itd probably be trash so...... whatcha think?

Warning: Swearing, kinda fast paced (wish it was slow burn but i dont have the attention span for that), mentions of vomit (at the end)

Word Count: Approx 1.9 k

APRIL 22ND 2020 12:32PM

“I’m going to shit myself.” Y/n said, moving the same strand of hair out of her face.

“Well that’s a really cute dress, you better fucking not.” Naya tutted from her position leaning against her bedroom wall.

“Okay. I’ve got this, right?”

“Yes! Now go get yo man! He’s still outside waiting for you.”

Y/n smiled at her reflection and let Naya drag her out into the hall. Naya walked over to the door and looked out the peephole.

“You didn’t tell me that he was that hot.”

Y/n pushed her out of the way to look through the peephole. Drew was leaning against a street pole and damn did he look good.

“Go get him girly.”

Y/n opened the door, Drew standing up straight at the sound of the door being opened. Drew’s heart stopped. She looked gorgeous and damn red was definitely her colour.

“Wow, you look, wow, you’re gorgeous.” Drew smiled as Y/n did a little twirl in response.

Y/n giggled and linked her arm through his. They walked down the street together to a small coffee shop that Drew said sold “chocolate chip cookies so good you’ll never be able to eat another cookie again”.

“The outside of your apartment looks nice.” Drew teased as they rounded the corner together.

Y/n blushed, sputtering out an apology. Naya hated having guests in their apartment even if it was for a few minutes.

“You’re cute when you blush.” Drew smiled down at Y/n, his hair flopping down against his forehead.

“You’re cute.” Y/n stated, spinning around so she was facing him while she walked backwards in front of Drew.

Drew reached out and took Y/n’s hands in his to make sure she wouldn’t fall over. Y/n’s skin tingled as their fingers interlocked. Damn, she could get used to this.

“Am I now?” Drew chewed on his lower lip as a rosy blush grew across his cheekbones. Drew chewing on his bottom lip when he got complimented made Y/n wanna compliment him for the rest of eternity.

“I suppose.” Y/n shrugged.

Drew gently tugged Y/n’s hands in protest, laughing along with her.

"How long have you been living in LA?" Drew asked, still holding Y/n’s hand.

"About a year or so. Naya, my roommate, we went to high school together and we were best friends. She wants to sing and well her dream brought us here."

"What about you?" Drew asked, tilting his head to look at her.

"What about me?"

"You told me why Naya's here, why are you here?"

"I wanna write. Or paint. I don't really know. Naya knew what she wanted, I'm just along for the ride." She shook her head in embarrassment. "What are you doing here?"

Drew smiled. "I'm an actor. I moved here from North Carolina to find my big break." Drew chuckled.

“Have you found it yet?” Y/n looked up at him as Drew stopped outside the coffee shop. It was a small building on the corner of the street, with window boxes filled with artificial blue carnations.

“I don’t know.” Drew smiled a sad smile before reaching forward and opening the door to the coffee shop, the smell of freshly baked cookies hitting Y/n instantly. Although the place was small, the inside felt bigger than it actually was. There were an elderly couple sitting in the corner beside the door and a young woman sat in the far corner working on a laptop with a forgotten cup of coffee beside her.

“This place is beautiful.” Y/n sighed in pleasure, Drew grinning as he took her hand and pulled her over to a table in the left hand corner beside a small window. Drew pulled out Y/n’s chair for her, she laughed.

“And who said chivalry is dead?” Drew sat down across from her, trying to focus so much on how beautiful she looked when she laughed.

“It’s easy to be chivalrous when it comes to you.” Drew shrugged, looking down at the table trying to ignore the rising blush on his cheeks. He had never felt like this about anyone before, they barely knew each other but already he craved to be closer to her. He needed to know everything about her, he needed to touch every inch of her skin, he needed her like an alcoholic needed a shot of whiskey. And with every passing second it just got worse. He was addicted. And so was she.

APRIL 22ND 2020 2:56PM

They walked out of the café, giggling and talking about everything and nothing at all. All they knew was that this date couldn’t end, not yet anyway.

“Wanna go to the beach? My car is parked around the corner.” Drew asked standing in front of Y/n, basking in her presence, their fingers still interlocked.

Y/n couldn't agree fast enough. Drew’s car was parked just a few feet down the street from the coffee shop, “I might have gone in before our date to ask them to save that table for us.”

Y/n climbed into the passenger seat and Drew drove them to the beach. Y/n reached over intertwining her pinky finger in his as he drove.

She stared out the window, hypnotised by the passing trees. Drew sneaked glances at her, hypnotised by Y/n.

From the Dining Table softly played in the background of their moment. Y/n basking in the presence of her soulmate, Drew basking in the presence of a girl he wished to know. So far from each other despite their interlocked pinky fingers all because of a bond meant to bring them together.

APRIL 22ND 2020 5:57PM

“You’re so golden.” Y/n muttered at Drew as she ran her fingers through his hair. They lay beside each other on an old ratty blanket Drew found in the trunk of his car. Drew’s hands were placed firmly on her waist, rubbing small circles on her still slightly damp skin from when he chased her along the shore.

Drew stared longingly at her lips, trying to tear his gaze away. He was not one to kiss on the first date and the last thing he wanted was to scare her off.

“Am I now?” Drew teased, tugging on his bottom lip with his teeth.

Without thinking Y/n reached out and removed his lip from between his teeth. Him chewing his bottom lip did unholy things to her.

Drew swallowed as Y/n kept her thumb on his lip, carefully rubbing it before moving her hand to rest on his jaw.

Drew’s voice was hoarse, sending shivers down her spine as he said, “I really fucking want to kiss you right now.”

Y/n licked her lips, as Drew’s hand made their way to rest on her hips. “Please,” she whispered, taking in shallow breaths, “kiss me.”

Drew pulled her into him as he pressed his lips to hers, her hands instantly found their place in his hair. The kiss was slow and soft, all movements gentle and cautious despite the hunger in both of their chests.

Drew slowly pulled away, resting his forehead against Y/n’s as the both tried to collect their breaths. It was pointless as the more they tried to catch their breath, all they could smell was each other and before they knew it their lips were crashing back together.

This was needier but slow and sensual. Drew lay on his back, pulling Y/n on top of him to straddle his waist.

One of her hands was under his chin, ensuring that his lips never left hers. Drew’s hands were on the small of her back until one slowly crept up to her hair and the other under her jacket, pressing her even closer to his chest.

Drew slowly pulled away, taking Y/n’s bottom lip in between his teeth, drawing a moan from her as she devoured his lips again.

The connection between them, their soulmate connection, tugged at Y/n until they separated, Drew held her close to his chest. As he told her a story about his time in college, Y/n couldn’t ignore the fear that he’d never realise they were soulmates. Remembering the address that Naya wrote in her phone, Y/n swallowed her fear and enjoyed this moment with Drew.

APRIL 25TH 2020 1:28PM

“Mrs Lopez, I’m Y/n L/n, I’m Naya’s best friend. I need your help.” Y/n stood on the steps outside of a two storey house with vines growing on the walls and an arch of flowers over the front gate.

An elderly woman of average height opened the door, she had dark skin which was wrinkled with age although she held a youthful aura about her.

“Of course, soulmate problems eh? Come on in Chiquita.”

Y/n walked into her house, silently wondering how she knew that she had soulmate problems. Mrs Lopez led her into a small room at the front of the house that smelt of incense. Mrs Lopez gestured to Y/n to sit down at a small table as she took a seat across from her.

“What’s wrong, honey?”

“I, well I, I think I found my soulmate.” Y/n stuttered, she felt foolish but she was desperate.

“Bonita that’s wonderful. What’s worrying you?” Mrs Lopez reached over and took Y/n hands in hers.

“He doesn’t know. He has no clue we’re soulmates and it’s killing me.” Y/n groaned, the pain in her chest returning.

“Oh you poor thing. That is unusual.” Mrs Lopez clicked her tongue, she released Y/n’s hands and poured her cup of hot chamomile tea.

“Are you sure that he’s yours? Sometimes emotions can cloud our spiritual judgements.”

“Yes. I know. He’s just, I know Mrs Lopez.” Mrs Lopez smiled a sad smile when her nose scrunched up suddenly.

“What age is he? When’s his birthday?”

“Em, November fourth, I believe. He’ll be turning 27.”

“Oh Amor.” Mrs Lopez shook her head as she stood up and started rummaging in her drawers.

“What? What’s wrong?” Y/n sat up, watching as Mrs Lopez walked around the room with surprising grace for her age.

Mrs Lopez didn’t respond as she walked back over to Y/n, a small bottle in her hand.

“We have the same soulmate through every lifetime. We may have different bodies, but the soul remembers. Something must have happened to him in his past life that is blocking him from remembering you in this life. You need to get him to remember what happened.” Mrs Lopez handed Y/n the bottle, “A few drops of this in a drink or in food until the memory returns should do the trick. It should take about three months to work. It’s just a herbal remedy, so it’s perfectly safe.”

Y/n held the bottle in her hands, she could solve this.

“Sometimes, the universe is wrong. Make sure you actually want this, you have the choice to choose if you want him to remember you. Some people don’t get that luxury.” Mrs Lopez sounded like she spoke from experience.

“But what did you need to know his birthday for?” Y/n watched as Mrs Lopez’s face fell in melancholy.

“Have you ever heard of the 27 club?”

“You mean the conspiracy about a bunch of celebrities dying at 27?” Y/n chuckled in confusion.

“There’s a reason. Soulmates are precious and rare so you only have so long to form the bond with them.” Y/n felt sick, “You have until their 27th birthday. But sometimes we run out of time and sometimes people can’t handle it.”

“Why? What happens if I can’t get Drew to remember me before his 27th birthday?”

“Amor,”

“Please. Mrs Lopez tell me.”

“You’ll forget. Both of you will forget that you ever met each other and every memory you have together, will leave you. You’ll only be left with a feeling that something is missing.”

Now Y/n was going to be sick.

Taglist: @butterfliesinthenightsky @netflix-imagines @copper-boom @starrystarkey93 @drew-starkey @maybanksbaby @poguequeen @prejudic3 @nxsmss @ilovejjmaybank

AHH!! did you like it??? i really hope you enjoyed. thank you so much for reading and feedback is VERY appreciated!! thank you and stay safe!

[cosmosrival]

Rico besides Kama what do you think about the other indian servants?????

AHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS GOING TO GET SOOOO LONG!!!! i have a different view of the indo fam as a whole. i call them the indo fam but i mean the found family trope!!!! theyre like a group of college students sharing a dorm if that makes sense, since their servant selves are obviously different from their initial myths/human vessels!!!

OK SO. RECENTLY, i have an oomf that found books about arjuna that summarize his exploits in the mahabharata(I DONT HAVE THE STRENGTH TO READ IT ALL IM SO SORRY) and also talk about him in a more philosphical manner such as his states of mind during each event etc and i’ve been meaning to read said book because im genuinely interested in arjuna now!!! and i’d like to know more about this indo prince because from what i’ve seen, he is portrayed in a rather bad light(?) in FGO which i find extremely !!!!!!!!!!! and incrdibley !!!!!!! strange !!!!!!! the mahabharata’s conflicts can be put in a mostly grey area where there’s no good nor bad, its not black and white. so seeing arjuna get bashed because of the way his conflict with karna was written is... hm. let’s say that im REALLY starting to understand arjuna fans that dislike seeing him get mischaracterized so much. OTHER THAN THAT, his design is adorable, his travel outfit is my favourite because he deserves to relax and have some fun!!! fgo making him a chuuni is cute and his VAs little moans are cute cute cute!!!!!!!!!!! (mash grabs my shoulder and forces me to sit down) i think that arjuna deserves better and im really happy to see him have fun in his travel costume voicelines. i think we should take arjun on a date!!! he’s a great lover, we’d have the best time!! OH ALSO, kama seeing him as the student council president in their interlude makes me SOOOOOOO HAPPY its unreal, i think it fits him very very well, the seitokaichou who was elected because of everyone’s hopes and recommended by teachers because he’s suuuch a good student but because of that, the pressure to be good is constantly towering over his head and everytime he looks out the window he wishes he could ditch class and skip a day just because he felt like going to the arcade and be a bad student.......just this once........i think hes very very cute...... i want him to cook for me. HAVE YO U READ HIS BOND 4 VOICELINE ?mmmmmggg i want him to get embarrassed everytime i praise him for having such a muscular waistline. AUG

ANEWAYS i also have quite the thoughts about karna, his characterization in the game is linked to arjuna’s and thats fine but i think that forgetting how much of a little sassy bastard he can get was a mistake! did you know that in apocrypha’s german dub on netflix, when jeanne calls his name like “You’re Karna, aren’t you ? The son of the Indian Sun God !” HES LIKE “So ?” AND THAT WAS SOOOO BITCHY OF HIM, i think that karna is a good boy in fgo but the fact that he was such a fighty old man in the mahabharata shouldnt be forgotten and is a charm trait. I MEAN ???? HE THREW HANDS WITH AN 18 YEAR OLD(ARJUN) WHILE BEIN LIKE... THIRTY TWO. WHATS WITH THIS ANNOYING OLD MAN !!!!! knowing these little facts about him made me like him so much more actually !! i think karna being so nice is adorable!! but the little bitchy energy u can find in his voicelines is also very charming!! i think karna looking at me emotionless as i ask him to lend me his notes for the nth time that week and then saying “...Mn.” when i thank him is cute!!! his voiceline towards things he dislikes is interesting to me. karna seeming aloof and mean bc he doesnt know how to communicate but is actually nice underneath...... hey... thats a little delinquentcore........ i wouldnt say yankii but hes like... hes like... u know hes the handsome quiet one of the group of yankiis... u know the one...? hey where are you going

ganesha is also a character im deeply interested in but i havent played CCC so i dont know that many details about jinako herself !! my brain goes HMMMMMM it seems lord ganesha is trans in fgo ! (since kama used to be a male god originally as well!!) ganesha uses all pronouns!!! and ganesha is also special to me because they share similar traits with kama when it comes to their characterization AND mischaracterizations. ganesha isnt JUST jinako. theres a part of a god in the servant mix!!! and jinako HERSELF is actually a pretty sad character imo. the whole otaku/neet thing is obviously a facade and her true wish being that she wants to redo her whole life is also proof of how much she hates what shes become, yet at the same time, she doesnt know what else she could do. but anyways, i prefer looking at servants from a lore POV so i think that ganesha should still be considered a god and be adressed as such!! i like seeing people portray ganesha as jinako but i prefer it when a certain lavish more godly side of them is put forward. a side of jinako that managed to move on a little bit if that makes sense ? that got more serious. and became someone else entierly despite sharing similarities. needless to say their bond with karna makes me happy since he shows them respect as you should towards a god!! its a bit different from their bond in CCC... like they matured somewhat!! anyway ganesha is the one who taught everyone else in the indo fam about video games and technology and i will NEVER shut up.

ashwatthama..... MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM %_’(’ç_”’è_ç(è_’”545656455456545453£¨¨µ¨µMµ¨++°=)=)°+ goodness. jesus christ on earth. my love story with him makes me so embarrassed. when he got revealed i instantly fell in love with him despite knowing JACK SHIT ABOUT HIM but since i was the only one in my friend group who was hardcore into fgo at the time, i kept my love for him to myself and just... (looks away)(i drop my wallet full of picturses of him) quietly adored his everything in silence. WELL, ree having an intense crush on yankii type characters isnt new, its been my favourite trope for ages (gyarus go in hand with them!!) and im still very attached to it so thats what made me love him in the first place!!!! BUT THEN. I GOT INTO HIS MAHABHARATAN LORE. And OHHHHHHHHH BABY.......... (im twirling my hair) so theres this 7ft tall war criminal..........<3<33<3(mash leans in and informs me that the convention of geneva didnt exist at the time) SO THERES THIS 7 FTTALL IMMORTALMAN.......<233 gOD he makes me absolutely CRAZY9909840385%£%%£%%µ%µ%µ the love i have for this character is immense and whenever im sad i remember that pako exists and has a tablet and can draw and i suddenly feel so much better. ok im gonna stop horny posting a little bit. but hes my wife. AND WHAT I LOVE ABOUT HIS PORTRAYAL IN FGO IS THAT, they actually made him a good boy despite his initial roughness and misdeeds ???!!! HELLO?? ashwatthama wishing for a redemption ark is my favourite thing and his righteousness that was born because of his regrets is a very interesting drivepoint to me !!! hes a gorgeous character and im buying a ticket plane as we speak right now so i can go find him in northern india. i’ll find him. GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME !!!!!GET OFF ME !!!

miss lakshimi makes me very sad! because every female servant in the indo fam is an already known face. (... would sita count.) and lakshi being a jeanneface is a waste. well, she’s still very pretty and her lore is also quite interesting!! i havent looked into it fully yet but i think she should be kissed on the mouth. her bad luck makes me slip on a banana peel whenevr i get close to her to kiss her and i hit my head on the pavement and pass away- 

parvati is on a tough spot for me atm. i genuinely love thinking of her as the way the indian goddess herself is portrayed because thats where the fun lies for me in her character. especially when shes involved with other indian servants, thats a given!! i would like to see parvati grow, suffer and heal. because branding her as an “all-knowing mom” is easy, but every single parent makes mistakes if you follow that logic. also, since shes the sakura servant “thats closest to her initial personality”, she’s got some of the most Repulsive fans ive Ever witnessed in fandom spaces and lets say that im trying to work my way out of this hellhole and find things to like about parvati without the fandom’s influence. needless to say, im going to keep looking into her mythos and her lore by myself at my own pace and keep doing my own thing in my little corner. 

rama shouldve been a jock. THE RAMAYANA IS OLDER THAN THE MAHABHARATA, WHY IS.....Hrm well him being summoned as his baby version gives me hope for a future rama alt perhaps??? but i think that he shouldve been a total jock and he shouldve been huge with a huge red lion-like mane for his hair and a teethy grin and big biceps and intense love for his wife. SPEAKING OF SITA, her charm point is her purity but i wish.... that their artist still hadnt drawn them like That, im not a fan of lily servants and i think purity = being young is a bit of an annoying excuse!!! rama and sita looking similar is because of their shared history which is fine but... rolls my eyes............. rama shouldve been 6ft tall and sita shouldve been a milf to match...... anyways i doubt ravana would be added as a servant but i’d love to have a ramayana centric event!! where all indo servants have their own lore centric role to play!!! oh thatd be a dream.... but i have learned to not expect much from a fanservice game so im jus gonna draw my own stuff! (strikes a pose!) (mashu claps!)

[dragonrajafanfiction]

Dragon Dancer IV: Heart to Heart

Zihang and I walked down the streets of Tokyo at sunset on a warm spring day. He was carrying a backpack full of supplies. Even though supposedly he couldn’t fight, he was very strong and made a good pack mule. He was so good, he remembered to grab Ru’Yi’s carrier and the diaper bag when he ran out of the burning warehouse.

I was wearing a simple jeans and polo shirt combo provided by the hotel. Side-by-side, we looked like the couple we should have been. We looked like the future of Tokyo: A young man and a young woman with an infant.

A family with much room to grow and a long future ahead of them.

“My teacher knew your dad.” I said by way of beginning. “That’s why I saw the picture of you, when you experienced your first snow.”

Zihang kept his eyes forward and didn’t say a word in return.

“That’s why I know his name was Tianjiao Chu and he worked as a driver. And that his favorite food was braised intestines.”

I glanced up at him but still he stayed silent and expressionless.

I tried a different angle. “Don’t you think it’s strange that you don’t remember Lu Mingfei even though you went to the same school?”

That got a response. “Yeah. I’ve been trying to remember him and I can’t see him in my mind. It’s odd because, he said that when he went back to his high school he was an important person.”

“Right... and don’t you think its strange that you can throw a bookcase?”

“Brother says that he remembered I was very strong...”

“Did you think you were Superman?” I asked, giggling. “That bookcase is so heavy, not even four strong people can lift it. But you knew you could.”

He fell silent again and my smile faded. I forgot how difficult he could be to talk to. We’d grown so close as a couple, we could have long conversations even deep into the night on subjects like science, history, philosophy and art. 

I would ask him questions and he would give a serious but absurd answer, and I would laugh.

----------------------------------------------------

The grocery store was uncomfortably crowded with people making last minute purchases before going home after work. “What ice cream do you want?” He asked me.

I started to say that I wouldn’t have any, just out of habit, but then I saw that his head was down, standing in front of the glass doors in the frozen food section.

“Strawberry.” I said quietly. My emotions began to rise, boiling below the surface like water in a kettle.  “I... it’s pretty crowded. I’ll go to the baby section and get what I need.”

I quickly walked away to the back of the store, aiming for the public restrooms. Fortunately, one was open and I pushed my way inside shut the door and locked it, leaning against it.

I let go of the sobs I’d been holding back, covering my eyes with my arm.

I told myself I’d give myself one minute and one minute only. It wouldn’t take long for Zihang to reach the checkout line and I didn’t want to take too long or Nono and Mingfei might suspect something.

I missed his smile. I missed his arms around me, his kiss on my lips and neck and shoulder. I missed the comfort and company of someone who knew me and was there. Zihang was someone I could relax around.

I checked my phone. I had fifteen more seconds. I went and grabbed the tissues and wiped my face and nose. I stared at myself and forced myself to breathe deeply until the redness in my cheeks faded behind my dark skin.

After a few more seconds of forcing myself to relax, I felt ready to face the world again.

I opened the bathroom door and there was Zihang, leaning against the wall, the ice cream in the basket.

I froze. 

He didn’t look directly at me. He had to have heard me. The door wasn’t that thick. I swallowed hard, lowered my eyes and walked out.

“The baby section is the other way...” He mumbled.

We walked in silence while my mind raced wondering what he must think of me now.

When we reached the aisle I grabbed tube of the nipple cream that kept me from getting raw and chafed from Ru’Yi spit and also some more diapers and wipes. 

“I don’t like talking about my Dad.” He said. 

I stopped shopping and looked at him. He stared at his shoes.

“I don’t know what your teacher told you. But... he was pretty terrible. He married someone he couldn’t support and when they got divorced, he didn’t even fight for custody of me. He just said he would find a better job. But he was never able to stop being a chauffeur.”

“Oh...”

“He had the right to visit me once a month. But he would miss it a lot... And when he was with me... he was... really annoying and stupid.”

I folded my lips between my teeth. I’d forgotten that children with absentee parents, regardless of the reason, often resented them. Even though the Zihang I knew had come to terms with his father’s futile attempts at being a good father, this Zihang hadn’t had that sort of time. By telling him things the adult Zihang recalled fondly, I was hurting the teenage Zihang.

“I’m sorry...” I said.

He gave me a small shrug.

“My parents abandoned me as a baby.” I said. “I was left at a foster home with no name and no origin. My foster dad, Robbie, always told me that my mother was running from a dangerous circumstance. She left me behind because she was very afraid that I would get hurt.”

“So... for a long time I didn’t question it. But sometimes... I did feel a little angry that she didn’t come back to check up on me. Sometimes I would look for her, just in case she was watching in secret. But deep down, I knew it wasn’t true. But... when I was your age, I mostly forgot I had parents other than Robbie and Sandra.”

He stayed quiet, fidgeting with the straps on his pack. 

“...will you forgive me?”

He looked at me, his eyes shifting uncertainly. “Y...yeah.”

“Okay...” I chewed my lip and together we walked out to the check out line.

I suddenly noticed that people were whispering and glancing at us because we were a mixed race couple. They glanced at the baby muttering the word for ‘half’.

As Ru’Yi was growing, it was clear from her eyes that she had some Asian descent. Her hair also didn’t curl all the way, was jet black, and was silky but had thicker strands than mine. Anyone who looked at us could tell it was our child without question. I couldn’t believe anyone would look at Mingfei with his more European features and look at Ru’Yi and say, “Yeah that’s his kid!”

Once we made it back outside, however, Johann once again proved his powers of observation were far keener than the people at the College. “Who is the baby’s father?”

I laughed a little. “My teacher. If you hadn’t figured it out.”

“I was wondering... if it was Crow.” He said seriously.

“No! Oh no. No....” I shook my head emphatically.

“He is very fond of the baby and you know a lot about Hydra.” He explained, looking up in wonder. 

“Well, you’re wrong! Ru’Yi is a Chinese name! Chinese!” I grimaced. “I know a lot about Hydra because I had a major mission in Japan.”

No wonder if he asked me if I liked Crow earlier! I decided to just spill the beans. “The truth is... my teacher is her father.”

“Where is he?” He asked.

I sighed. “When I was still pregnant, he stayed home with me, but a week before Christmas, he was called away for one more job. He didn’t want to take it but he had a special skill that they really needed. I think he felt pressured.” I gave a little shrug. “I was okay with it too. The job was simple.”

“But later when the job was finished, he called me. He said he felt regret for leaving and thought about quitting his job.”

“What would he do after he quit?” Zihang asked, eyes wide.

“He was very smart and capable and we could live off savings no problem for a while. I wasn’t worried. I was surprised because he was very dedicated to his work and I did not expect him to quit.”

Zihang shook his head. “What happened?”

I didn’t know how to explain. If I said he disappeared, it would sound like he ran off. But if I said he died, it would be a lie. 

So I didn’t say anything and let Zihang draw his own conclusion.

When I didn’t answer he said, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t talk about sad things.”

“It’s okay...”

“I think... leaving was a mistake, but at least he said he was sorry. That makes him better than my dad.” Zihang said.

I smiled a little. “If we see each other again some day, I will tell him you said so.”

[slut-for-fandoms]

Paint me yours (kth x reader) PART 1

Pairings: Artist!Taehyung x reader

Genre: smut, fluff, angst (in the following chapters) 

Summary:  You are an art college student who struggles with finances. Until one day, on an exhibition of the arising artist Kim Taehyung, when the same boy offers you a job as his model. Would it be just a simple job or would it complicate your life in ways you have never thought it would?

Warnings: none in this one (perhaps my bad writing and lots of mistakes?) 

A/N: So here is the first chapter. I really don’t know what to think about it as i haven’t written anything in more than a year (so sorry guys but now I am back, yey) I really do hope you like it and please let me know what you think and whether you would like to be tagged in the series ♥ Enjoy 

Euphoria. Excitement. Happiness. Exaltation. A complete symphony of colors and emotions. Blue, purple, violet, azure - blended in such a way that glues you to the masterpiece. At places it seems unfinished, raw, as though the creator has been in a hurry. But at the same time it is so detailed that you wonder how long it took him to create it. It represents a woman, or to be more precise, a young girl. Long hair composed with ochre, amber, honey and a hint of gold, covers half of her pale face. Her lips are the perfect combination of red, cheery, wine and auburn. An orderly chaos of colors.

While everything seems just as raw painting, the most capturing features are the eyes. They are so detailed and express the condition of the girl. The sparks that make her look tangible grabs you on a roller coaster of thoughts and feelings and somehow makes you even experience the same state.  I move to the next painting.

Sadness. Affliction. Pain. Torment. The contrast between the used shades is much deeper. Pale yet dark. The more I look at it, the more it captivates me. All of the creations I saw were beyond amazing, complete masterpieces but this one… This one is different. One look and I got this strange feeling in my guts when we anticipate something bad, something that might hurt us.

The background is composed of dark shades, while the girl is sculpted of the pale range of colors. Again, the most detailed parts are the eyes. You get the feeling as if a soul was trapped inside the drawn girl that shows how much she suffers. The more you contemplate, the more you assume that the darkness around her represents the cruel world, while the bright yet shaded colors shows how fragile and broken she is. Is it from the world? What destroyed her? Who made her look like a shattered vase which parts are no longer going to form its beautiful shape?

Holding my glass of champagne I took some steps back and sat on the settee opposite the painting. Thanks god it wasn’t that low as they use to be in other galleries. I crossed my legs which caused the hem of my black dress to roll up slightly. As an art student, I tend to visit many exhibitions in order to get inspiration, gain knowledge of the new and unorthodox styles and improve mine. I can’t say I am complaining as we are given free access to any kind of such events. This is beyond amazing as now I am contemplating the art of one of the rising artists – Kim Taehyung. Honestly, I have never seen him but the critics consider him the new Van Gogh and now I understand why.

When I came I was so uneven about it, all the people here were rich and classy and I, a broken student with a cheap dress borrowed from her friend, had no place here. Everything was out of my league and I felt like garbage disfiguring this place.

“You seem really immersed into the picture.”, someone chucked, bringing me out of my thoughts. I looked up and saw man in golden suit and two glasses of champagne in his hands. His smile was so bright, genuine, that it made me blush slightly, “May I?”, he titled his head towards the settee as if asking if it was free.

“Ye- yeah, of course”, I stuttered and put a lock of fallen hair behind my ear.

His smile grew bigger and he took the free seat next to me.

“Here.”, he gave me one of the glasses. I looked up at him confused, “I saw that you have already finished yours so…”, I looked at my glass which was empty. I might have stayed there for a way longer time that I have thought. I left the glass on the floor next to the settee.

“Thank you.”, I gave him a smile, although inside I was feeling embarrassed, “Very fond of you.”, I said after taking the offered glass.

“Well, I just wouldn’t have forgiven myself if I have left such a beautiful lady sitting here by her side. The champagne was just an excuse to approach you.”, I bit my lip and tried to hide myself due to the blush that crept on my face.

“You are even more appealing when blushing.”, okay, I have never believed I could become so red but here I am.

“Please, stop.”, I stuttered through the smile that just grew bigger on my face.

“Why?”, he tilted his head and asked me with that sweet smirk still placed on his face, his eyes never leaving my figure, “you don’t like honest people?”, as a response I chuckled and tried to gain my dignity and look at him. Why was I such a blushing mess around this… stranger…a handsome stranger?

“It is just that you are the first one to approach me this evening.”, a slight feeling of sadness made my stomach turn as I recall the events, pardon, the lack of them from this night. I started playing with my hands as something as pity overwhelmed me.

“Well-”, his deep baritone voice made me look at him. This time he was facing the painting in front of us which gave me the opportunity to survey him. Soft pink lips, sweet roundy nose, medium long light eyelashes. Skin in the color of bronze and a golden suit that make him look like a god. Aristocratic hands with long fingers, adorned with rings. The way he is holding the glass gives you the thoughts that a prince is sitting oppose you, “It is their lose.”, he states after locking his eyes with mine. And then I’m completely lost. They are just like the sad girls’ in the paintings – full of emotions. I see the same spark that leads directly to his soul. It captivates you. There is love, care, tenderness that make my heart skips a beat. But also you can spot something wild and intriguing. An abyss of feelings kept locked deep inside.

He took a sip of his champagne which caught my attention and made me break the eye contact. How could such a simple action as drinking makes me wanna grab the brushes and paint this gorgeous creature on the canvas?

“I can’t say I am complaining of that.”, I followed his movements and took a taste of my drink, “They seem like they are here only for talking. All of them are just chit-chatting and just at times spare a glance at the paintings. It – It just looks like a gathering of the rich and bitchy class.”, suddenly he burst into laughing. Oh that sound… It was like a soft melody for my years I could listen to all day. It was so infectious and addicting.

“What?”, I asked confused but with a smile plastered on my face.

“I couldn’t have said it more correctly. I’ve met everybody in the gallery and yet you are the only one contemplating the works.”

“Isn’t that what we are supposed to do on an exhibition? But apart from that, these paintings, these masterpieces…”, I took a breath like looking at the sad girl opposite me, “they are captivating. There is life in them, there is soul. Undoubtedly the artist is one of the best I’ve ever come across. Many have the ability to draw, few have the talent to create a masterpiece, something that makes you stop and think. And these here, they indeed convey more than a hundred words.”

“And where do you think that comes from?”, he asks me in that deep voice of his. I turn my attention back on him to see the man already looking at me with a stern expression showing nothing.

“The ability to make a painting live?”, he nodded his head in agreement, “Pain.”

“Pain?”

“Pain. It is always the pain. Why do you think the greatest artists are those who have suffered the most?  Sadness, sorrow, ache, agony… they are different than the other feelings. When something good happens to you, you are happy for a short moment. Usually those moments tends to be forgotten way easier than the moments that our soul was in pain. It is just that the affliction we bottle inside us ruins us in the end. The knots in our stomach, the suffocating feeling in our chest… they are tormenting us and we all need a way to express them somehow, to try to get them out of us. And the answer is always the art. It doesn’t matter whether it would be with a brush or a pen in our hands, if we are going to compose a poem, song or just draw something.  We just want the pain away. For its tight fist around our hearts to weaken, for its dark thoughts to leave us at peace at night, for the tears to stop rolling down and choke us.”, I paused in order to take a sip of my champagne, feeling his eyes following my movements, “That is one of the reasons why I like this one so much.”, I continued pointing at the work before us, “It look as if not only the model had been sad, but also the artist.”, when I turned around he had a sad smile on his face. For a moment I saw the abyss – full of sorrow and regret, pain and affliction.

“You can’t be more right.”, and once again, as he looked up, the door to his soul closed with that stern expression, “That is why I don’t know whether I like this work or not.”

“It recalls a bad event?”

“It recalls the day I painted her.”

My eyes were so wide that surely they were going to pop out of my head. I opened my mouth, then close it, then opened it again. I was so shocked that I could say nothing.

“I still remember how heartbroken she was.”

“You- you are the artist?”, my voice raised an octave higher and I cursed myself.

“Surprised?”, he asked smiling at my shocked expression.

“You just caught me off guard.”

And then the rest of the night kind of slips my mind. I don’t really know how long we’d been talking through various topics. Whatever felt like hours had only been half an hour once I saw the watch on my hand.

“Unfortunately, as a host, I need to make a speech. It was nice to meet you -”

“(Y/N)!”, answering I took his hand as he helped me get up from the settee.

“(Y/N).”, he said tasting my name and I could not miss the way his tongue rolled and the deep voice that sent shivers down my spine, “A beautiful name for a way more gorgeous girl.”

“Why are you trying to make my blush so hard?”, I asked trying to hide my face.

“I don’t know. I just like it.”, he shrugged with a smile, “Can I ask you something, (Y/N)?”, is it just me or he just lowered his voice on purpose while saying my name.

“O-Of course.”, out of nervousness I started playing with my own hands which only made his smirk grow bigger.

“Would you like to be my model, darling?”

[disunothegreat]

A not-really-a-fic part 2

So this is kind of a what happens to McCree after Part 1 and then some-ish

Jesse…

Jesse cried a lot that day and night and is still there hours after Hanzo’s body has been taken away.

Jesse gets told to see a therapist but he ignores it saying that he’s fine. That he just needs some time.

Eventually he goes back to overwatch and tell Winston to put them on the roster.

The gorilla of course denied it. Thinking it was too soon for him to just be flown into missions like that. But the cowboy insisted until Winston caved.

Obviously Winston could see that he wasn’t in his right mind so he say that he’ll put him on the roster. He also warns McCree that the minute he thinks that he could be a liability to the mission that he’s to be taken off immediately. McCree agrees to his condition and goes to the training area.

It was long before he was found drowning himself in alcohol. So maybe sending him on a mission wouldn’t be so bad if it stopped him from drinking so much.

But then… then he notices that Jesse’s not sleeping. Like at all.

Hell he hasn’t even seen them eat like at all since he got back.

Winston even saw the way his teammates tried for him to eat or to take his mind off the liquor but nothing worked. They all could see how he was slowly losing muscle definition. How their eyes were sinking, their cheeks hollowing, their bones becoming visible a mile away. Angela has already found them passed out and had to take them to the medbay and put an IV in them.

It got to a point where the Gorilla had to give him an ultimatum.  Either he get better or he’s off the missions completely…

Months pass, Jesse being good enough to eat at least once a day if a bit forcibly. But it was enough for Winston to keep him on the roster.

Besides he was starting to have better days. Genji and he start hanging out more.

It was when he had bad days when they’d worry. On those days he would isolate himself in his room, not coming out once. The only reassurance they had is that it never lasted more than three days.

So when the day came that Jesse hadn’t been seen for more than his normal. Genji began to worry, the ninja started looking for him everywhere just to make sure but found nothing. So he went to the cowboy’s room and knocked.

No answer.

Seconds passed and seeing that Jesse wasn’t going to respond Genji asks Athena if said person was in there at all? She answers an affirmative, she also urged him to get to him quickly as she unlocked the door for the cyborg.

He looks everywhere but it wasn’t until he goes to Jesse’s bedroom bathroom that Genji’s horrified with what he finds. Laying on the ground possibly passed out, Jesse had a whiskey bottle loosely cradled in his mechanical hand while the other… the other was cut open at the wrist. He could see that it was deep enough to be losing blood at a fast. He couldn’t see what he used to cut himself with but but it as a second priority. Genji didn’t think twice and bent down to grab the other man and haul him to his feet so he could get himself as fast as he could. Once outside the the cowboy’s room Genji began to yell for help.

McCree may have lost a lot of weight but he was still bigger than the cyber ninja which made it harder for him to maneuver. Finally he spotted one of his colleges and yelled for their aid. Luckily for Genji it was Reinhardt. The older man jumps onto action carrying Jesse fireman style towards Dr. Zeigler’s office.

Jesse wakes in increments, feeling like the worst hangover he’s felt in ever. ‘Still here huh…’ he think to himself. He goes to rub his head but finds the he can’t. He opened his eyes carefully. Flinching still by the bright lights of the room he was in. He take a deep breath and takes notice of all of his body’s aches and pains.

His wrist was killing him. He tried once more to move either of his arm but it proved useless. Looking down McCree could see that he was restrained to the bed he was laying on.

Panic started to rise on his chest so he quickly looked around to take notice on where he was. It, of course, was the Watchpoint medbay. So that relaxed him somewhat but was still confused on why he was handcuffed to the bed.

It wasn’t long before he got his answer since Dr. Zeigler herself walk in to his room looking at his chart.

“A-Ang?” he called, his voice raspy and dry.

Dr. Ziegler looks up from the chart and hurried towards his bedside. She puts the chart down on the nightstand and puts a cup of water to his dry lips.

Once he was done he tried to speak again but the doctor beat him to it.

“Jesse— are you out of your minzid mind!?” She would have yelled but her years of experience kept her from it.

“Look, Ang—”

“Vhat? Do you not care for us anymore!? Don’t care how we will feel. Do you think you’d be easily forgotten as if you’re a pile of trash!? Is that it!?” It was obvious that she was furious with him. Even as she hides it well Jesse still felt cut with every word she said to him.

“Angela I—” Jesse tried again but she cut him off once more.

“I may not have had a more-than-coworkers relationship with Mr. Shimada but that did not mean that I didn’t mourn for him! We all did. And I get that it was hard for you… believe me I do. It may not have been by the same circumstances but I still lost a dear friend. But mein Gott, killing yourself is not a solution Jesse.”

The silence that was brought after she finished was the loudest he’s ever heard before.

After a few seconds he caves and says “I know Ang. I know, it just… seem like the best thing at the time.” Jesse closes his eyes and sighs. He rests his head deeper on the pillow before adding “logically I know that offing myself ain’t gonna do shit to bring him back. I know that, that ain’t how things work. But then it was all my brain was telling me to do. That it was the best thing to do. I felt numb in that moment, like nothing else mattered…” he pauses. Trying to compose himself. He opens his eyes and stares at her. He notices Genji standing outside of the bedroom. He huffs a small chuckle and says “ain't cho mama ever teach you not to eavesdrop on people? It ain’t nice. Now come in here so yah can hear the rest.”

Genji did, albeit looking somewhat sorry for eavesdropping but Jesse knew he doesn’t regret doing it. Angela stood silent as Genji stood beside her waiting for Jesse to continue.

A few seconds later he did.

“I’m sorry that I put you both in this kind of situation. Believe me it wasn’t my intention to do so. I would take it back if I could.” he apologizes to both.

It took a few seconds but both doctor and cyborg to react but in the end they both did accept his apology.

“That being said, you’ll still be on suicide watch, you will have someone with you at all times. The only exception being the bathroom but even then we’ll be having Athena check your vitals and lastly I’ve already informed Winston about it, so do not fight me on it.” Angela informs him.

Obviously Jesse wasn’t exactly thrilled with these accommodations but he understood the why they needed to do so.

“Alright. One question though… did--did you tell the others too?” Jesse asks, not certeing he was ready to hear the answer.

“Nein, I did not. The only ones that know of what happened are Winston, Genji, Reinhardt and Myself. It is not my place to tell the others. I’ll leave that to you.” she says with a sad smile.

Jesse chuckles and says that he’s fine with that.

Later that day the old crusader dropped by to see of Jesse’s well being. They talked for a while, sometimes reliving old times. When it was time for Reinhardt to go he go up and went to the door but before he could open it Jesse called to him and thanked him.

“Wozu?” the old soldier asked, confusion clear in his voice. Jesse wasn’t great with German but he’d been around the older man enough to recognized some of the phrases he said from time to time.

“Well you know… for carrying me here. Genji told me that you were the one to do so.” he paused for a bit before continuing “I also want to say i’m sorry. I’m sorry that you had to go through that. That I put you in that kind of situation.”

Reinhardt sighed and went back and sat on the bedside chair once more and told Jesse about his experiences with this kind of situation from when he was younger and even today he can sometimes see it. Told not to worry too much but to please never do that again. That he liked the cowboy and it’d be a shame for him to be gone. With that he got up to leave again “I’m one of the oldest ones here. I know this is not a realistic view but the old are not meant to outlive the young don’t you think?” Reinhardt winks and slips out the room leaving Jesse to his thoughts.

[u-r--lovely]

My Story In Seven Chapters: “Underneath The Marks”

Ch.1 Flowery Sheets

Sometimes late at night I’d pretend to fall asleep on the bottom of my mom and dad’s bed just so my dad could carry me in with his strong arms and warm heart. I remember my childhood as an old movie playing on the screen of a projector dropping in and out of my consciousness. Growing up in a large family I was often overlooked, and quiet, so if you could imagine it was easy for me to feel invisible. From a young age I’ve learned to pretend, to disconnect, to venture into a world of my own. I had imaginary friends who were fairies that followed me everywhere. I hid under books, and stuffed animals as my older brother shot up heroin and older sister got drunk in the upstairs attic.Cop cars lights were a common presence in my driveway but I didn’t mind because at least my brothers and sisters would be safe from the drugs that way.  On the hard days, I remember the flowery pink sheets I kept myself in, the silhouette of my own hand comforting my soul. I remember holding my bunny tight as my mom sang me Amazing Grace as I fell asleep. I remember begging my brother Jeremy to open the bathroom door when he was shooting up Heroin one time, and the day he stole my babysitting money for drugs. Then, came the day I asked where he was and my mom freaked out because she had forgotten about him and suddenly... he was gone. Actually gone. I was twelve and didn’t know much about death (I mean what twelve year old should), but I knew that he had been sick for a really long time and that he was finally finally free and that made me happy and sad at the same time.

Ch. 2  Scratchy Beards

When my dad told me he got sick with Cancer, I sort of thought it was okay because that meant he’d be at home more. That meant he would actually make us real dinners instead of having hot pockets every night and cold burnt spaghetti. Between the ages of twelve and fifteen I filled my life with making origami, twirling, and writing songs about pretty girls, fairy dust and sunshine. I hated when my dad came to my school because he had to carry around this huge oxygen tank with plastic wires creeping out of his nose, and I pretended I didn’t know him. I still feel bad about that to this day. The most iconic thing about my dad other then him being secretly gay (which I didn’t know about until now), was his scratchy beard and large tattooed forearm. I miss his hugs most of all, maybe that’s why hugging people feels wrong at times--no one’s hugs are quite like his were. My mom and dad left for Europe to seek alternative cancer treatment the last year he was alive. This just so happened to be when my sister got sober. As she was parenting her own baby boy out of wedlock, she also was supposed to be parenting me. In a flash of an instant,  me and all my siblings gathered around his hospital bed and sang Amazing Grace to his subconscious mind through the rumbling of the machines keeping him alive. Walking out of the ICU each of us said “see you later’ because we all knew it wasn’t goodbye. I guess, not really. On the Christmas morning before tenth grade,  he had left us and I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces. I had told myself a few days before that if he didn’t call me beautiful one last time, then something just something was wrong with me. I knew exactly how I was going to change that.

Ch. 3 Safety Pins

I forgot to mention, that while my mom was saving my dads life in Europe I had decided to try to change my own, in the only way I knew how. I decided to stop being the good invisible quiet christian girl and become someone who was seen. At the time, I believed I just wanted to make friends, yah know..be a part of something-- but in a desperate need to distract myself from the losses I endured I had to find a way to become alive again. I self harmed for the first time at fifteen and didn’t think much of it, I thought it was cool and something other people in my friend group did. I didn’t know safety pins weren’t all that safe, I didn’t know hurting myself would become an addiction I’d struggle with for the next six years of my life. I thought that if people saw the pain on my body they could hear me asking for help. Even as I hid under long sleeves and smiles and laughter I started to feel the deeply distant darkness pull me away from myself. Even though I thought I didn’t want anyone to know about it, I felt as though I was screaming yet I wouldn’t allow any sound to come out.

Ch. 4 Porcelain Bowls

A few months after my dad died my mom ran off to Florida every weekend with her new but old boyfriend whom she had been with before my dad 30 years earlier. At the cost of losing my dad, and subsequently losing my mom, I found solace in toilet bowls and diet colas. My friends and I had sort of made a game of it, we’d talk about dieting and then talk about feeling bad for giving into the diets and then feel bad for feeling bad. What started off as a game between friends, began to become a dangerous game of Russian roulette. I remember high school as a blur of calories, cheese puffs, and washing my hands in sinks. I kissed boys that I pretended to like behind tennis courts and eventually began treatment for my eating disorder and self harm during my senior year of high school. I got better ( or so I thought), but beneath the perfect recovery girl I created, laid a deep fear of still not being seen, still not being heard.

Ch. 5 False Safety

I went to college and fell in love with a girl I didn’t pretend to love and went to therapy twice a week.This is a time in my life I like to call “False Safety” because although I felt somewhat okay, I was relying on others around me to take care of me, I never learned to do it myself. I ran around college from club to club pretending to be the recovered girl I thought I had to be, but others couldn’t see what was truly underneath. During therapy I was being seen and loved and everything felt okay... but outside of that small room I believed I was alone. I mean, I  thought things were better, and they were... yet I continued to run from the pain through self harm. I craved so much attention from my girlfriend that if I did not get to be her world, I felt I couldn’t be with her at all. I was so scared of her leaving me like my mom did, I left her before she got the chance too. Back when I was ten, I waited for hours and hours for my mom to pick me up at camp and as each car passed by  and it was not her my disappointment grew deeper. In my adulthood I learned to instead stop waiting for her--or anyone,  I decided to run away and never be found because then I wouldn’t have to face being abandoned.

Ch.6 The Pink Room

It was a month or so after the breakup and I hid behind doorways so I wouldn’t have to see her look away from me. I hid in bathrooms during panic attacks and cried into my cereal in the back of the cafeteria. My world stopped when my therapist told me she was moving (leaving me is what I heard). I had completely attached myself to her and I felt that the one person in my life that truly saw me was leaving. Leaving. People are always leaving me I thought. I decided to fill up the hole she left with alcohol in coffee cups and pills and more cuts and more fake smiles and more “recovery” articles and speaking engagements. It wasn’t enough. None of these things were ever really enough. In the week my therapist left me, I decided to get as drunk as I could and pretend to be happy and flirt with boys I didn’t know because that would make everything better right? I didn’t know the boy with black hair was seven years older than me. October 13th October 13th October 13th. I didn’t know he’d be so mean and when the drinking game got out of hand I didn’t have the capability to say yes or no. I didn’t know walking drunkenly into that pink room, he’d hurt me the way he did. It wasn’t rape, but it was terrifying, violent, awfully painful physically and emotionally.  He was a giant dog playing with a glass doll and he shattered me into a million pieces, he shattered my fake smile right off my face.

Ch. 7 Letting Love In

From October 2017 to May 2018, everything was a blur. A blur of multiple treatment programs for depression, anxiety, and the sexual assault. The Eating Disorder came back stronger and more powerful than ever and this time I was determined to run as far away as I could from that pink room and from the therapist that left me. After a week in the psych ward I thought I could get better on my own with the eating disorder, I thought that I could control my out-of-control-ness. In February 2018, I told my mom I was going to go to treatment, but would wait until Monday. Suddenly, I had a thought, an urge, a quiet voice in the back of my head telling me to go that Friday instead, which I did. I entered treatment for the millionth time and was quickly rushed to the ER for low potassium. It was late at night and no one in my family was picking up the phone. I was in an unknown ER, half asleep, half dead and I still didn’t feel sick enough. There was an IV stuck in my arm and doctors telling me my levels were life threateningly low and I still didn’t feel like I was ‘that bad’. I don’t know if I’d be alive right now, if God hadn’t told me to go that Friday. He truly saved my life. From that point on, I started listening to that quiet voice. A month or so of running from God, one suicide attempt and many family therapy sessions later I decided to go to Selah House. I finally decided to give up the demons that had become my identity. I decided to let love in again. I decided that I could only be free if I let myself be. I could only get better on God’s terms. I know now that I had to fight the ED, Depression, Self harm, PTSD, Anxiety, and Addiction with God by my side only. I know now that what went on in that pink room was not my fault, and I don’t have to be ashamed of it or put blame on myself in any way. Here at Selah is where I’ve found hope. Here, I’ve found healing. Here, I’ve found love. Love between God, others and myself. I know now that it was never actually about the food, the numbers, or the marks. I know that I have a future, a future of helping others heal in the same ways I did. A future full of laughter, crying, heartache, touch, and love. All of my life has really been what’s in between. In between moments of exhale, of tears running down my face, of dad hugs, and Real smiles. These things are all a part of my story but they are not at the core of who I really am.  My life was never meant to be a sad story because I’m not that girl anymore. I am healing, I am tough skin made of scars, I am endless nights crying and glorious mornings shining like nothing bad has ever happened. I am becoming free, becoming Real and I have so much yet to learn about the spaces in between.

[lysdal]

tagged by @rick-wrights-right-nipple​ q; thanks <3

LASTS:

Drink: tomato soup :)

Last phone call: with my mom asking when they’d get home again

Last text message: girlfriend q: 

Last song listened to: røde mor - kys din frø      really getting into old danish protest and psychedelic rock q:

Last time you cried: yesterday i think, dont remember

HAVE YOU EVER:

Dated someone twice? nope

Been cheated on? well.. no, not really

Kissed someone and regretted it? yeah... definitely. i assume both of us have just forgotten it though

Lost someone special? grandparent, knew her very well though

Been depressed? i dont know, never been checked by a doctor

Been drunk and thrown up? ofc :’) threw up in my hair resulting in it being sticky the day after. (also managed to puke and then faceplant into it later :’))

Talked to someone named Tom? no, not yet

IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

Made a new friend? yeah :) 

Fallen out of love? definitely :’) much has happend this year though, i feel it was necessary to shape me, so i dont go around being sad about the time i ‘wasted’

Laughed until you cried? always. if its worth laughing about itll probably make me laugh until tears come lmao

Met someone who changed you? i guess you could say that, yeah q; <33

Found out who your true friends were? already knew who those people were

Found out someone was talking about you? not really

GENERAL:

How many people on Tumblr do you know in real life? 4 people :)

Do you have any pets? sadly no ;( i did have a bird sometime, he was pretty cute

Do you want to change your name? maybe my last name, but not my first name, its pretty okay q:

What time did you wake up this morning? at 11 or 13 i think, its vacation so i dont keep track

What were you doing last night? just talked to a nice person q; 

Name something you cannot wait for? meeting up with my girlfriend q: it has been what ive been looking forward to for a pretty long while now

What getting on your nerves right now? pretty much nothing, maybe a couple of ‘friends’ at school but not too much. 

Blood type: im pretty sure its 0-

Nickname: lysdal (yah, username is creative i know)

Relationship status: post minecraft sex, but still no hand holding yet

Zodiac sign: aries (horoscopes seem to fit so im pretty happy with it)

Prounouns: whatever you want to call me, swamp monster included

Favorite tv show: futurama so far :)

College major: no ideaaa

Hair color: dark brown, getting darker i think

Long or short: long definitely q: 

Do you have a crush on someone? well that person would be my girlfriend  🤔 is it still a crush then

What do you like about yourself? if i really want to do something i can focus on it, and do it. i suppose thats quite good. i also play guitar and bass okay. my curiosity seems to drag me around in a lot of hobbies, so thats also nice.

FIRSTS:

Surgery: had a splinter 1 cm deep under my nail :’) the doctor just took a pair of pliers and ripped it out nearly alongside with my nail :’)

Piercing: i once fell and pierced my own head, but no intentional ones, and im not too sure ill ever get any

Best friend: eh.. my middle school best friend didnt really turn out like me, so we stopped talking pretty much as soon as we stopped going to school together

Sport: volleyball :’)  for 3 years :’) never againnn

Vacation: hungary when i was 2 years old, i remember the trip by car being wayyyy too long z.z

Pair of sneakers: never had any i think

NOW:

Eating: protein rods aka breadsticks

Drinking: pepsiii 💦💦

I’m about to: go to work because ive been postphoning it whole week

Listening: an 8 hour long video of joel playing half life 2 👍

WANTS:

Kids: later in life, yeah

Get married: unless the social norms change, yeah

Career: i wish i knew :’) maybe music if thats possible, probably not though

WHICH IS BETTER:

Lips or eyes? eyess 👀, lips are still pretty tho :)

Hugs or kisses? both are very nice :) especially together q: 

Shorter or taller? preferably shorter, but thats because anyone taller than me would surely have back problems z.z

Older or younger? same age, maybe a bit younger, depends on how mature the person is though

Romantic or spontaneous? romantic definitely q:

Sensitive or loud? depends on what mood im in, both can be nice

Hook up or relationship? relationship 100%, hook ups seem rather pointless for stuff other than self confidence

Trouble maker or hesitant? hesitant when theres risk, trouble maker if there isnt :’) 

HAVE YOU EVER:

Kissed a stranger: neverr, kissing is more precious than that

Drank hard liquor: you bet, currently the strongest stuff ive tried was 80% alcohol modern absinthe, but im still looking out for stronger stuff :’)  why not try it all if i can.

Lost glasses/contacts: dont have either

Sex on first date: if its with a person like rick wright maybe 👀 i mean.. its a once in a lifetime opportunity.. generally no though :’) if you like the person that much then whats the rush, there will definitely be more dates.

Broken someone’s heart: nooo z.z never done that and i hope i never will

Been arrested: noo, but i once slapped a police officers ass in the amsterdam airport when i was younger :’) was too young to get arrested though, and the police officer didnt mind 

Turned someone down: once a veryyy long time ago. its not often i get asked though so eh, not like theres much to reject lmao

Fallen for a friend: sadly yeah.. went okay 1 time, lost a friend the other time

DO YOU BELIEVE:

In yourself: depends on what stupid stuff im doing :’) when i seriously try stuff i do tend to believe i can do it though

Miracles: sometimes its hard not to 

Love at first sight: attraction at first sight maybe, but theres no way you can know the persons personality and everything by just looking.

Heaven: maybe, but not in the traditional sense

Santa: sadly not ;(

Witchcraft: heck yeah, that would be hella cool

ill tag @subdivisi0ns and @silentfreeway if they want to q:

[bootisimo]

ok so i dont care if im spamming my personal shit bc this is fucking tumblr & i need to just talk abt things

so im going to talk abt my best friend audrey. i havent had a best friend since around 7th grade (I’m a graduating senior this year) & my overall friend group has been really unstable & changes a lot, so I didn’t realize it at the time, but I haven’t made any deep connections in high school and it’s kinda sucked. Pair that up with me being super insecure because everybody talked about me behind my back in middle school and literally nobody outside of my group of 5 friends could stand to be near me (which I only learned around 2 months ago & it’s fucked me up so much, especiallyl because i was so oblivious & for all i know the same thing could still be happening), so I’ve felt very isolated and alone without realizing it for basically all of my scary developmental years. & then this new girl comes to school, and I meet her a the beginning of senior year! & she’s so wonderful and we click so well and after knowing each other for barely any time i felt so close to her and I was essentially drunk off of finally being close to someone again and she was all i ever thought abt bc i loved spending time with her so much! ((that sounds weird and obsessive but i promise im exaggerating i just kinda accidentally started idolizing her and absorbing her mannerisms bc thats what i always do)) & following my stupid fucked up pattern for people im clsoe to, i was all over her for a few months then i started doing that isolating thing and i convinced myself that her & the rest of my friends barely tolerate me (it didn’t help that this is senior year & shit actually did happen w two of my other close friends so my friend group is shrinking rapidlyl and i dont want to put effort into roping it back together), so I became really unhappy without realizing it bc i repress everything and i literally have so much trouble processing and actually feeling what’s going on around me . thats where my problems with derealization come from, because it crosses the line into literally not being able to say if im awake or in a dream, or if i exist or not, so how the fuck would i be able to know if i was happy or unhappy? im realizing tonight that ive been actually, truly depressed for an indeterminant amount of time, and that really scares me with the whole bipolar issue bc ive figured out that i cant live life without control. i need independence and control over my entire sense of self or i can’t cope, and its super unhealthy but its the only way i know how. and if im bipolar like im starting to believe i might be and like my therapist thinks is a definite possibility, then kind of by definition that means that i don’t have control, over my actions or my moods or my life, especially if it’s bad enought that i need medication. and judging by just how bad things have been recently, right when i start being able to feel my emotions without automatically shutting them down (so I’m feeling them to the full extent that i shielded myself from, in other words), i don’t think i can succeed, or even survive, on my own if this is what my daily life becomes. I’m losing my control right before I’m really going to need it, right before i turn 18 and go to college and actually need to take care of myself, and I’m so anxious about it that I constantly feel like I’m going to vomit, and like there’s a dumbbell sitting both on my chest and at the bottom of my stomach. when I repressed everything, i was always relaxed. i literally could not make myself stress or feel bad about anything, which is super unhealthy, but now it’s like i can’t make myself not be stressed, and i can’t reverse it!! I’ll try to feel like I used to because not feeling is so so so much easier than feeling, but it’s like I’ve forgotten how!! 

anyway part of the reason my relationship with audrey is so good and so bad is bc it’s super hard for me to actually talk to her, because I always struggle with guilt because of how easy my life is compared to my friends. feeling like i have things better than anyone makes me feel so guilty that i want to die, which is probably a part of the depressive episodes, so I’ll go through periods where I’ll talked to audrey but i literally wont’ say anything to her bc i feel so guilty about how much she has to deal with, and then it’s like we aren’t even friends anymore and its 100% my fault because I consciously pull away and just think about dying for a week or two and convince myself that i dont need or deserve any friends or anyone to talk about the issues im having with. when i actually do share things with audrey, i lover her even more, because she never makes me feel guilty for having things she doesnt, and she always reminds me to that im trying to be conscious of the differences in our lives, and she always makes me feel so good about myself because that’s the kind of person she is. she’s been through so much more than most people, and I don’t even know a lot of the details about her life. its amazing though not just because she went through it--it always pisses me off as a trans person when people tell me i’m “brave” just for living and transitioning, and i know she would feel the same if i thought she was amazing just bc she’s survived so much. but she’s amazing for how she deals with it, mostly. you can tell she has a lot of problems coping but she still always makes an effort to make people feel included, and to better herself, and to be fucking kind. I’m always so amazed by how kind she is and how little she deserves all the shit that life throws at her, and I dont say that to her bc it’s always uncomfortable when people tell you that, but I’m really starstruck by her. i very often just start thinking about what a genuinely caring, selfless person she is--not like me, who does everything because of the reaction that I anticipate from other people. when she’s kind, you can just tell that it’s because she wants to be kind and doesnt care about the consequences. she is a good person far deeper down than I am and its amazing to see that at work. I’ve actually been standing up for my beliefs and saying something when I think someone’s in the wrong just because I’ve been around her and I’ve seen her do that 

but the worst thing is that we met so close to the end of graduation. we just found out we’re all staying in the area next year but with my habit of suddenly dropping people for no reason, I can’t guarantee we’ll stay close, and that makes me so so sad because I genuinely think the more time I spend with audrey, the better a person I become. it’s hard to balance because I also make all my bad decisions with audrey because we fuel each other because w’ere so similar, so that makes it hard to. (haha we’re both geminis after all, and i dont believe in astrology but the idea that two geminis always have short, intense bursts of relationships, so they’re hard to make last, seems super accurate for us, and I’m afraid that tha’ts whats going to happen) 

anyway I’m just typing a lot because dear audrey gave me an adderall to take so i could last the night & not die, and it’s more than I normally take, so my focus on this post is so intense, and adderall makes you rambly anyway. it’s good to take a lot every once and a while though because just thinking things through in this focused, controlled but optimistic and basically unbiased outlook that adderall gives you can be super helpful--typing this out has actually been pretty similar to my therapy sessions, except nobody has to ask me questions and prod at what I say to interpret my thoughts. damn i hope i can get a prescription because i feel like this is exactly how people who can actually ge their work done and not drift off constantly feel like, and I feel like now that I know how adderall feels and how homework is actually feasible when I take even a small dose, like half of a 30mg pill, I can’t expect myself to keep fumbling through my academic life once it costs 20k per year, and when I’m not on adderall, I’m always, always fumbling and confused, no matter what I’m doing. I feel like I’m just realizing how much I need it, and the people around me aren’t as surprised because they’ve always seen it, because it’s literally always been there, but they just assumed I was disorganized and spacey, and when I say “I think I have ADHD,” theyre’re jsut like “oh, I never thought of that but now that you’ve said it I absolutely believe that, I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.” It’s inhibited me enough in my life, especially in school, that in my freshman year all of my teachers called my parents in and told them to test me & my sister for ADHD, and the only reason it never happened is because there was a miscommunication and my mom thought the school had screend us for free, when me & emma have never ever seen a doctor about it 

things are jsut bad rn bc it’s like i stand on both edges of a really small planet. on one side is the adhd stuff, and the realization that if I get treatment, life could be a lot more possible for me than I ever knew it was possible to me. on the other side is the emotions that I’m not able to repress anymore (maybe it’s the bipolar vs the adhd, maybe not--again, not diagnosed, and definitely not self diagnosing). these emotins that I’m actually starting to be able to process are a lot worse than I ever realized they were, and it’s promising the opposite of the adhd side--that things could get much worse than I ever knew they could get, and that they’re already headed that way. 

sorry for making you all scroll past this thing, but it’s been really helpfulto be able to sort my thoughts out like this. I definitely feel like i just prepared myself to make progress in my therapy session on friday, at the very least. maybe things can actually be ok after all

[wardnovelsandstories]

Forgotten Love

CHAPTER 1

             Today was a normal day as Andrew and I was leaving the movies, walking to the car. As we were laughing and joking about the movie. We got in the car as Andrew buckled and started the car. While I buckled my seat belt I was planning in my head; we’ve been friends since kindergarten, and I have grown feelings for him. Apparently, he had started driving and was half-way down the road as he snapped his fingers in front of my face, snapping me out of my trance.

             “Lizzy? Are you on earth still?” he questioned with a laugh. As he laughed my face warmed up as I looked down and replied with a simple ‘yes’. “Ok Lizzy, you never answer with an ‘ok’. What’s wrong?” he asked as he sounded genuinely worried. I gulped looking up at the road, then I screamed as I saw a driver on our side of the road going the wrong way, heading straight for us. Andrew saw them as he tried to swerve out of the way, but he swerved to the right… right in way of the other driver. Hitting him straight on, then everything went black.

            I opened my eyes to a very bright light, almost blinding, as I tried to move. Yet my body wouldn’t do as I say, I tried to yell for help but all that came out was a whisper. As I sat there, memories flooded back in; I remember the movies, getting in the car, then it was slightly a blur after that. I remember Andrew and I was talking then screaming, and then darkness. A gasp brought me out of my thoughts as a female dressed in scrubs and her brunette hair tied back in a messy bun. She looked at me with pity before rushing out, yelling something.

           It seemed like forever, but she finally came back with a male with scrubs on and a clipboard. He looked at me with a gentle smile then he went to a serious face as he asked me ‘what my name was, how old I was, and where I live.’ I looked at him as I tried to speak, but nothing came out as I looked down again. As I was about to cry as he gently took my chin and lifted it, so I looked at him while he gave me a reassuring smile. I was still sad as I nodded as I understood. He then left the room as the nurse followed.

         It’s been a couple of weeks and I was able to sit up, semi-comfortable, so they let me sit in the wheelchair to ride around the building. This would be the first time outside of that room since the “incident” and I needed to know if Andrew was ok. After getting permission to be rolled over to his room, I was anxious as I got closer and closer to him. Finally, we made it to his room; he was sitting up, still in bad condition (I wasn’t too much worse than him, but he got most of the impact) as he looked over at me. I almost cried with happiness as I smiled at him.

      Then he spoke, “who are you? And why are you in my room crying?” he asked as my heart dropped. I was in shock as I tried telling him my name… he shook his head not knowing the name. I cried more as I told the nurse to take me back to my room. The nurse tried to say something as I interrupted her with a very loud ‘NOW!’. making everyone jump and she quickly wheeled me back to my room. I insisted to stay in the wheelchair as I looked out the window.

        They tried feeding me, but I wouldn’t eat. This went on for I think two days as they finally stuck an IV in my arm so I wouldn’t be malnourished. Sighing I stayed in the wheelchair almost the whole time; except when they found me asleep and placed me back in the bed. Which when I woke up, I asked to be back in the wheelchair.

        I should probably tell you who I am before we get to the rest of the story. I’m Elizabeth Young, a freshman in college. I’m 4’11”, green-eyed, dirty blonde. And the other guy is Andrew Amor, also freshmen in college, 5’10”, blue-eyed and blonde hair. We were best friends since grade school, and we had plans. But as you see that won’t be happening. Ok enough of me talking back to the story.

         It has been about a month as I stayed in my wheelchair, doing physical rehabilitation when need be. But today I am getting out of here. Finally, I get to go outside, but the one thing is Andrew is too. And he goes to the same college, and our dorms are not that far apart. I just hope I don’t ruin things too much more. As I kept thinking to myself, the nurse rolled me outside and to a taxi. Stopping at the bright yellow door, I stood up and sat in the taxi. Waving to the nurse, but the taxi wasn’t moving,

         “Sir? I’m ready.” I asked as he chuckled lightly. And responded with a ‘patience’ while he looked back in front of him. Nervous I shifted to the other side of the taxi, to give room for whatever or whoever was coming. Tapping my foot, I hear the squeaky wheelchair rolling out as I looked over and my heart sank once again… it was Andrew. He seemed as awkward as I was as he sat in the far-right seat. Leaving the middle seat empty and me in the far-left seat. The taxi driver drove off as the silence had a strong tension to it.

       “So… what brought you to the hospital?” Andrew asked as he tried to start a conversation. I looked at him then back down, fiddling with my fingers.

       “A car accident…” I replied softly, not knowing what he would say. As he didn’t answer right away, I looked up at him. He had a confused look like he was trying to put two pieces of a puzzle together that didn’t fit the way he had them. I smiled gently as I remember he wasn’t the exact smartest when it came to hints. I should I’ve tried.

      “That’s a really weird coincidence, I was in a car accident too. I was with someone though…” he drifted off into thought again as looked like he was trying to put the pieces together again, but something was blocking his thoughts. I looked back down, too scared to tell him that it was me in the car with him. The chat stopped there as he was lost in thought for the rest of the ride as I looked at my phone, pretending to read something on it.

       We got to campus right after classes ended as students were scattering like cockroaches. I quickly got out of the taxi, paying my half of the bill as I gripped my messenger bag tightly. I looked around hesitantly as I felt a hand on my shoulder. Jumping slightly, I turned around, only to see that it was Andrew; taking a deep breath I regained my bearings.

        “You ok? You seem tense” Andrew asked sincerely as he looked almost worried. Before I said anything, I nodded and looked down, my anxiety was getting the better of me; the hordes of people didn’t help either. Unexpectedly Andrew took my hand, leading me to the dorms. Sprinting through the person obstacle course that was the afternoon rush as I held hid hand tightly, trying not to get left behind. When we finally stopped at the dorms as he let go of my hand and huffed slightly. I was panting softly as well as I gave him a small thank you before walking up to my dorm.

        Walking in my room I sighed a bit in relief, finally “home”, as I set my messenger bag on a chair and plopped down onto my pillow comforter. I stared up at the ceiling, questioning why this happened to me!? While I gently dozed off, the darkness consuming me.

[cheskalagran]

BYE 2018

This year has got to be the year jampacked with EVERYTHING. I might have the same motivation to write now but i gotta try for my future self. (bcos yaknow everything that I dont write eventually gets forgotten and i have no way of remembering, it just turns into a blank patch in my mind lyk 2017 lol) whatever happend to 2017??? i was scrolling through this blog and i didnt find any 2017 posts lol what??? was i in a trans or??? idk i have no memory of new year 2017. well i dont want that to happen to 2018 because theres just so much that happened so here it goes.

JANUARY- I started the year in qc.

Jan 2- I saw Mamsh for the first time in uptc. We bought my very first film roll. n Agfa Vista 200 in Satchmi.

Jan 7- i put my first film roll in. took a few shots. oh and im back in marinduque

Jan14 to the end of the month- im just in duque doing normal stuff i guess idk. More MSC days. I was really stressed about being irreg. lol

FEBRUARY-

feb 2 i went to Manila for the opening of Arts Month. IT WAS SO GREAT I NEVER FELT SO ALIVE IT WAS WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED, to live each waking day to be exposed to art. agh fun tyms. i spent 5 days in Bayview and everyday i went to luneta park for workshops and other shennanigans. While this was all happening i was also shooting for our Trends and Network (?) (subject) video. Reg was my partner in this video we were supposed to put a vissual on a poem our prof gave us.

feb 3

first time to eat yellow watermelon.

went to a baybayin writing workshop and learned how to write baybayin yay

saw autotelic, better days, sud and ben and ben that night

FEB 4- still there

feb 5- attended poetry night and saw mike coroza. saw mamsh again today and we went to national museum. It was the last day of arts month.

feb 6- i went home to duque

Feb 7- i edited my footage

~idk what date but hahaha the video i edited got 75 loooool but our prof gave us another chance to edit the shit.

feb 14- mundo- iv of spades was released. idk how this is relevant to me lol but yeah it was released on this day.

feb 17- UP fair that i wasnt able to go to. Finals week is near im so stressedt

feb 20- im editing the video again. we made a storyline instead of just putting vissuals on the poem.

feb 21- the stress was getting to me. i havent been sleeping bcos of finals and editing so i cut my hair short. the shortest it has been, they said i looked like hannah baker

~idk what date but i finally passed the video and we got 85 thank god for that curve lol~

feb 24- Im back in Manila. first time to ever play with the orchestra in a place which is not marinduque. Played in Makati along with Sta Isabel peeps.

feb 26-

Went to bgc--- to the overrated Venice grand canal place to be exact.

Saw Alex Aiono live.

Bought a new Murakami book (Wind Up Bird Chronicle) that i havent still finished until now

feb 27 to march- marinduque ++ more MSC things

March 29

practiced a viola piece for auditions sa ust but hey its 2019 and i didnt end up auditioning

Moriones festival (holy week)

Watched Baconaua a film by Joseph Laban shot in Mdq. the plot was also mdq related!!! and also socially relevant at present. its kinda about drugs--- well it is about drugs.

april 7- went to ust for enrolment

apr 8- went home na ata i dont even know

apr 13 ICON MANILA DAY1

went to manila for yfc’s 25th anniv!!!!! AAAA ICON 2018~ FULL BLAST

bRO THE THEME WAS MUSICALS AND THEY PERFORMED DISNEY AND THE GREATEST SHOWMAN THEMED THINGS HUHU MY HART IS HAPI

yfc reunion yey

APR 14 DAY 2 - FIREWORKSSS AND TALKS

APR 15- DAY 3

LAST DAY

GOT AN ICON DAVAO SHIRT

NASA ICON RECAP VIDEO AKO

APR 16 ARRIVED IN MDQ FOR FINALS

APR 19- SURVIVED FIRST DEFENSE

APR 23- FINAL DEFENSE

APR 26- SHELLY’S DEBUT

APR 30- FOUND OUT I DIDNT PASS THE UPCAT YO

MAY 3-

GRAD PHOTOSHOOT

SAGALA

MAY 8- 18TH

MAY 10- SURPRISE BDAY CELEB BY THE BEACH T^T gots a new laptop yey. got another murakami book from fiel. got a cool shirt from dem. got my fav necklace (which means so much to me since it has so much connection to who i am--- its a Sta. Claire/ St. Francis pendant from Rome.) Lola passed down a family heirloom to me--- her watch. <3

MAY 11- woke up after last night’s celeb for Graduatioooon.

May 11 to 19- stayed at home and watched movies and shi

May 20-

watched Musika sa Isla’s concert. first time that i sat out since i was so busy huhu.

Went out with Reg and went kayaking

May 21 and onwards more of doing nothing and watching movies and shii

May 29- went out with sum frends i havent seen for so loooong: isa, franz, angge, ira

Jun 2- went out with the fam and tita pina to the beaaachhh

Jun 15- My first provincial Shout!!! YBB LAGUNA!!!

Jun 18- went to shannon falls!!!! hiked and swam with the fam ++ dream favor fam

Jun 19- end of Prov Shout huhu went to amoingon with the YBB laguna team. swam some more in the beach.cried A LOT. said goodbye to fwends huhu

Jun 20- left duque for good

Jun 22- went to ust to settle thingz, dorm hopping

Jun 23- went to ust again

Jun -Jul scrabble, movies, wine, milktea, mc do and a couple of city thingz. Prepared for YCOM acad. long distance organizing with yasu huhu.

Jul 25- went home to duque for YCOM Acad!!! My first and last event as a the provincial YCOM head. cant believe we actually got to put this together huhu sml

Jul 26-28- finally had face to face organizing with the pcg. practiced songs and hosting.

Jul 29- YCOM ACAD NAAA. a lot of hard work paid off in this event. a lot if crying again. said goodbye to friends again.

Jul 30- left for Manila first thing in the morning

Aug 1- First day dorm life

Aug 2- Start of freshmen week. Freshmen pol sci orientation

Aug 3- ROARientation

Aug 4- got very drunk with batch mates uuuhhh which was wrong cos its just the first day and i probably made out with someone???uhhh

Aug 6- Tomasino na ako event. Saw Ben and ben and fourplay mnl

Aug 10-

went to cinemalaya with reg,kly and paul. was supposed to watch liway but ended up watching school service. bumabagyo rn hahahaha.

first time to ride the lrt loool

Aug 11-13- spent 3 days alone in qc aHAHAHA they were in cebu

~Lol kinda  dated a blockmate or whateva at this time uuhh~

Aug 17- parents visited manila, we went to intramuros

Aug 20- kuyas bday

Aug 21-saw reg and we watched another cinemalaya entry: Madilim Ang Gabi. sobrang slow paceeeedddd but ya it was about ejk. #SupportLocal

Aug 22 and onwards- A LOT OF READINGS

Aug 28- bar hopping with 7wonders

MORE STUDYING

Sep 5- saw Sud again in ust. org week ata??

MORE STUDYING

~kinda stopped dating that blockmate na~ ahahah

MORE STUDYING

Sep 21- saw shelly, aira, and fiel at Happy T. met someone but never talked again after that nyt. slept at fiel’s

MORE STUDYING

Sep 28- YFC GA

Sep 29- WENT TO SHE’S ONLY SIXTEEN’S 10TH ANNIVERSARY WITH MAMSH BROOOOOOO (XX: XX Makati)

ang bandang shirley

lions and acrobats

mellow fellow

rusty machine

oh flamingo

sandwich???

i forgot the others huhu

IT WAS WILD I LOVE SENA

OCT 4-5- PRELIMS ((no sleeping starts))

Oct 10-pre lims. got rly unexpected close friendships. slept at dean’s.

Oct 20- Island with shelly, ira, dean and sum binilde friends. met sum ppl. slept at mark’s

MORE STUDYING! ! !

~kinda started talking to someone i actually like~

OCT 29- FINALLY WENT BACK HOME TO DUQUE HUHU

OCT 29- went to the beach with reg trisha cavite peeps and kuya francis. saw kent kuya jm and jayson at kuya karl’s

OCT 31- inuman with friends i havent seen for so loooooong, drew, ira, pam, josh, angge

UNDAS- made my term paper about islam huhuhuhuhuhu d y i n g

NOV 3- went to the beach with yfc people huhuhu yasu mat ninyah and others. quest ang gracenote were there at villa aplaya also ahahaha

NOV 4- haaayyy left duque again :<

MORE TERM PAPER MAKING

NOV 14- first meeting of that ~someone~ im talking to. went to rou bourbon. agh i actually like this guy can u believe it

NOV 16- saw ~that guy~ again. went over to his place and met his dog

MORE STUDYING

Nov 23- saw ~ that guy~ again// study date

MORE STUDYIN BCOS FINALS IS NEAR IM DED

Nov 29- adventures with dean and mia at 3am. smoked a lot this month brOo i was ded more studying

Dec 2- mom visited me huhu lord tnx

Dec 3- Agape

Dec 8 onwards- FINALS WEEK a lot of smoking//very very very ded at this point

Dec 13- SURVIVED FINALS AND WENT OUT WITH 1POL3

Dec 15- i was high with kuya and claud

Dec 17- drank with kuya and claud

Dec 19- i was high

Dec 20- mom and micha and pau arrived

Dec 21- PASKUHAN with micha <3 ~the guy~ i was talking to ditched me lol. the dating thing was “paused” looooooool things started going downhill again but paskuhan was so fun!!!!! huhhuhuh definitely made me feel things. saaw ransom collective and spongecola <3 mia and chad r now together. micha slept in my dorm

Dec 23 and 24 and 25- christmas shenanigans in ateneo.

Dec 24- cinco ako sa nstp. i died seeing this

Dec 28- BANDERSNATCH!!!!!!!

Dec 29- went to bulacan for Kuya Oyo’s wedding cute couple

Dec 30-31- STAYCATION with the fam

DEC 31- went home and welcomed the new year. smy prof hasnt still replied for the cinco he gave me.

yaaaaalllllll 2018 was rough. a lot has happend. and im difinitely not the same person anymore. whats worse is that im kinda disappointed of what i turned out to be. :/ things are just sad. i havent been able to pick myself up until now. idk if im just in the right place or in the right time or with the right people but all u i know is that things could be in a much better place. i just hope that 2019 would put things in a better place. i cried a ton shit of tears this year. cut a few scars.left a lot of people. so much new things. it was my wildest year so far. Living independently alone, surviving college and the city life--- it was very different from what Im used to. but hey i survived and im proud of myself for that.2018 u were painful---so painful.  U made me try so hard and fail so hard at every aspect. I tried to maintain ties with friends even though it wasnt rly my thing. It was so hard for me to maintain connection agh but at least i still tried. Acads wise, I tried so hard to study for that one major prelim exam and i failed--- for the very first time, i failed a major exam. I tried to love--- yup--- thats totally not me--- i tried to date people. but lol things rly just dont work out sometimes. it be lyk that sometimes. ako pa yung dinitch HAHAHAHAH lol

the first half of the year was so fulfilling a lot of fun times. Never have i ever felt lyk i knew myself so much. everything i did was everything i wanted to do. For the first time i felt lyk i was turning out to be who i wanted to be but surprise everything turned around at the second half of the year.

it  made me feel lost it made me feel alone. its 2019 and that feeling hasnt changed. still a ton shit of anxiety. god Every holiday season i try my best to get in the holiday spirit but hah this year no matter how hard i try i wasnt just feeling it.  everything feels so static i dont wanna be like this anymore. The second half of 2018 made me feel like im the wrong place am i in the wrong place i dont know.