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elliesbelle · 1 year

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nobody compares to you

chapter 11

pairing: ellie x reader

synopsis: you're in your junior year of college and at a party, you run into the girl who broke your heart: ellie williams. despite the time it took to reset your life, will you risk a broken heart again for her?

content warnings: modern college au, cursing, angst, descriptions of alcohol and underage drinking, mentions of homophobic slurs, descriptions of marijuana use, men being creepy in general, drama between exes, descriptions of an anxiety attack, mentions of nausea and vomiting, minors do not interact

word count: 10.2k

chapters: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen

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Freshman Year, Fall

You’d never been to a college party, much less a frat party. The extent of your knowledge was taught by cheesy and likely inaccurate movies where all the characters were all played by 30-year-olds pushing 40. But after the shit show that was your senior year of high school, you were looking forward to celebrating your newfound freedom through underage drinking and close-quartered gyrating.

Your roommate's name was Tara Maclay, a honey-blonde tomboy who wore baggy clothing and had a foul but amusing mouth. Your first few days involved polite conversation and awkward apologies when you’d accidentally invade the other’s personal space. However, after a late night of deep conversation, you’d discovered that you were both lesbians and felt a friendship click almost immediately.

During yet another freshman orientation, this time for your dorm held by your RAs in one of the lounges, you’d both befriended a few other girls who also resided in your building, Wilson Valley. The first you’d met was a girl named Astrid. She was tall, skinny, and had long black & blonde braids that swayed gracefully every time she moved. You couldn’t help but notice the way Tara eyed her, nudging her playfully to break her out of her slack-jawed loser lesbian stupor.

Astrid had greeted you both sweetly and introduced you to a couple more girls she’d already met: Sidney and Rebecca, who happened to live right in the same hall as you and Tara. Astrid mentioned she had a roommate as well, who couldn’t come to the meeting. You vaguely recalled she said her name was Dina.

After your RAs ended the meeting and dismissed the rest of the residents, your newfound group lingered in the lounge. You continued to chat lightly about nonsensical topics like new classes and room assignments and the campus until Rebecca mentioned a party being thrown the next night.

“My roommate Kristen mentioned that this frat is having a ‘Start of the Year’ party or something tomorrow!” She said, settling into one of the ratty couches. “Not sure if you guys would be interested in that, but I thought that would be cool to go to, even just for the experience.”

Tara grimaced before saying, “An excuse for asshole, predatory frat guys to prey on freshman girls?”

“Could maybe still be fun, though,” Astrid mused. “Nice excuse to get fucked up and all.”

“Well, I guess the free booze isn’t so bad.” Tara quickly said, changing her tune instantly. You chuckled quietly at her.

“What’s the frat?” You asked.

“Uhh,” Rebecca pondered for a moment. “I think… Sigma… something? I honestly don’t remember. I’ll ask Kristen later.”

“All of them just sound the same anyway,” Sidney shrugged, sitting criss-cross applesauce on the carpeted floor next to the couch. “I’m totally up for it if you guys go, though. Good way to be social. I don’t really have friends around here just yet.”

You turned towards her.

“We’re all your friends, so you do now.” You said, smiling at her.

Sidney returned your smile with a wide one of her own.

You’d already set out your desired outfit on your bed for the Sigma Eta party when you sat by your desk, applying your makeup. Behind you, Tara was clumsily rummaging through her clothes, cursing under her breath as she kept changing her mind about her party attire.

“What the fuck do you even wear to frat parties, dude?” She said, throwing yet another unfolded, creased shirt into her dresser.

“Honestly, I don’t really know. I’ve mostly gone to high school theatre cast parties, and I don’t think those really count as real parties.” You replied, lightly brushing a small spoolie through one of your eyebrows.

“Am I supposed to look fucking nice, or—?”

“Just be yourself!” You jokingly said.

Through your makeup mirror, you saw Tara give you an annoyed grimace in the reflection. You laughed.

“That’s stupid ass advice.” She groaned in frustration.

“Sorry!” You apologized in jest. “I mean, you’re not really there to attract guys. Don’t have to be all dressed up and all if you don’t want to be.”

“You’re getting all dressed the fuck up.” Tara pointed out, motioning towards your outfit on the bed.

“I just like looking nice,” You shrugged. “Just for myself, not really for anyone else. Like I said, you don’t have to get all dressed up if you don’t want to. Unless there’s someone you’re trying to impress.”

“I mean, I didn’t say that…” She grumbled, almost indiscernible underneath her breath.

“Oh?” You said, momentarily pausing your makeup routine to turn towards her with an eyebrow raised. “Why? Is there a certain someone you wanna look good for?” You inquired.

Tara refused to meet your inquisitive eyes as she fidgeted with another shirt’s buttons between her hands.

“I knew it!” You laughed, pointing the makeup brush you held in your hand towards her. “You like Astrid!”

“No, I fucking do not!” Tara responded defensively.

“You have a crush on Astrid,” You said in a sing-song voice. “You have a crush on Astrid!”

“Shut the fuck up, dude!”

“You think she’s pretty, you want her to have your babies!” You continued to sing, cackling as you turned back to your desk to resume your eye makeup.

“I will physically fight you, you dick!” Tara warned noncommittally.

“Save all those kinky threats for your new girlfriend.” You chuckled as you effortlessly blended two shades of eyeshadow with one another.

“Ugh,” She groaned as she flopped down on her bed. “She’s so fucking straight though. Like, painfully fucking straight. Like, not just heterosexual. Barbie heterosexual.”

“First of all,” You said as you set down the makeup brush in your hand to grab your setting spray. “Barbie is so gay, so that point is useless.”

“Barbie is not fucking gay, man.” Tara argued.

“Barbie is a lesbian with comphet and Ken is her lavender marriage boyfriend,” You disagree, fanning your freshly sprayed face. “Secondly, Astrid is one hundred percent a dyke too.”

“Did you fucking see her, dude?”

“Yes, I did. I have eyes, Tara.”

“Yes, I do too.”

“But not a good enough gaydar though, it looks like.”

“What the fuck!”

“Trust me, Tara,” You said, turning towards her once more to look her straight in the eyes. “There is not a single straight bone in that girl’s body, I guarantee it. If you weren’t so busy checking her out before, you would have noticed it too. Might have even noticed that she was also checking you out.”

“Wait. Hold the fuck up, seriously?” Tara said, perking up for a second before suddenly looking nervous.

“Dude, this is no time to be a fucking pussy! She’s really pretty and seems to like you back. Just get to know her tonight!”

“You think she’s pretty?” She asked.

“I mean, yeah, of course. She is gorgeous.” You admit. “But you’re okay, I’m not competition. She’s not my type, trust me.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, kind of discovered after my last relationship that I’m more into like, masc and butch lesbians.”

“Oh?” Tara said intriguingly, abandoning her search for appropriate clothing to take a seat on her bed. “How do you mean exactly?”

“Well,” You said, twirling your eyeliner pen in between your fingers as you turned in your chair to face her again. “My ex-girlfriend was a little bit more feminine than masculine. And I mean, I guess I was attracted to her in different kinds of ways, but I think that I was drawn more to her personality than her looks.”

You sighed before continuing.

“Which, obviously, I think is very important, but I also believe that you’ve gotta be physically attracted to who you’re with too, you know? Not in a shallow way or anything. But I don’t think I really ever felt that click with her, even at the start. It was just another unrealistic expectation I had of her that ultimately cemented the end of our relationship.”

Tara hummed in understanding.

“So why masculine lesbians, then? I’m just curious as someone who presents more as masculine but who tends to like more feminine girls.” She asked.

You pondered her question for a few moments, considering your response.

“There’s just… I don’t know, there’s just something so bold and alluring about a woman who completely rejects femininity in every possible way. We’re all expected to fill that role of being gentle and ladylike, and I think it’s just so attractive when a girl openly says ‘fuck you’ to that and presents the way she actually wants to, not the way the rest of the world expects of her. I love it when women are exclusively masculine, almost like they’re showing men how it’s supposed to be done. I think it’s just so hot and charming and sexy.”

“Ooh, so you think I’m sexy and shit?” Tara teases, wiggling her eyebrows at you as you conclude your mini-speech.

“No, you’re way too much of a loser lesbian who can’t even tell the difference between a straight girl and a femme lesbian.”

“Hey, not too fucking much now!” Tara said indignantly.

You laughed loudly before going back to applying your winged eyeliner.

A few moments later, you heard a knock followed by Astrid, Rebecca, and her roommate Kristen after you shouted that your door was unlocked. Kristen, a short and perky girl with her dirty blonde hair up in two long pigtails, introduced herself and said that her friend Mina was also tagging along later on, in addition to two other people she didn’t mention.

It was incredibly amusing to you how red and flustered Tara became as a result of Astrid’s sudden appearance. You even felt a little bit giddy yourself when Astrid graciously offered to help pick out an outfit for Tara to wear for tonight’s party.

It wasn’t long after the three girls arrived that Sidney joined the rest of your group, having done herself up a bit as well in a short, pink dress and pieces of curly hair styled to fall from her space buns. You all enthusiastically complimented her and hyped her up, to which she blushed.

You were the last one to finish getting ready, the rest of your new friends every now and again watching you finish your makeup routine as they all chatted animatedly. They all gawked in awe at the way you’d artistically dolled up your face, Kristen commenting that Michaelangelo couldn’t have painted colours the way you did your eyeshadow (to which you humourously and geekily remark that he was more of a sculptor than a painter). The girls all loudly squealed at how expertly you applied your fake eyelashes within mere seconds, you chuckling to yourself at how easily amused they seemed to be.

As all the girls began to pre-game with a bottle of Bacardi spiced rum Kristen had brought, you threw on the rest of your outfit: a long-sleeved, lacy and see-through white top with a black bra underneath, a black mini-skirt with side pockets, and your favourite knee-high black boots. You joined in the drinking festivities before Astrid checked the time and her messages then suggested you all head out to meet Kristen’s friend Mina and head towards the Sigma Eta party.

You all squeezed into a rickety, old elevator located in the middle of the hallway and headed down to the first floor of your building. As the elevator doors opened up to the lobby, Kristen broke off from the rest of the group when she spotted another girl waiting with two guys by the front doors. Kristen squealed happily and gave her a tight hug before introducing her friend to the rest of you.

Mina was a girl with short kinky blonde hair that reached just above her shoulders. She wore a white halter top with dark blue jeans accompanied by black pumps. To her left was a short, brown-haired guy with a plain, blue button-down and a pair of salmon-coloured shorts; to her right was a tall, dark-haired boy wearing an orange Hawaiian shirt and a pair of dark blue jeans.

“Good evening, fellow freshman cuties,” Mina said before gesturing to her hand to her own company, introducing them respectively. “This is Fred, and this is Jesse.”

The two boys smiled and nodded in greeting.

“Mina’s brother actually used to be in the fraternity that’s throwing the party we’re going to tonight before he graduated last year.” Kristen explained to your group.

“Yeah, Fred here is a friend of my brother’s. He was the one who told me about the party.” Mina added.

“Oh, that was really nice of you.” Astrid said, giving Fred a polite smile. He smiled back, not before eyeing her keenly up and down.

“Thought I’d introduce Mina to college life the proper way.” Fred replied cockily, patting Mina hard on the back in a brotherly fashion. Mina rolled her eyes.

“Let’s head out, chicas!” Kristen announced, beckoning your large group towards and out the front doors.

The trip to the Sigma Eta frat house wasn’t very long, but it felt like it to you at the beginning. Tara had broken off from your side when she was able to garner enough courage and nervously converse with Astrid, who was chatting back animatedly while ignoring Fred’s futile attempts to flirt with her. Kristen and Mina were enthusiastically catching up with each other, and Rebecca, who noticed Sidney’s shy and reserved demeanour, began kindly engaging her in a conversation to help her open up and get to know her. This left you to yourself for a while.

You were excited to be branching out socially and making friends, but it was difficult not to feel like you were out of your league in this rather abundant group of acquaintances. Being accustomed to smaller circles of friends and having gone through a recent ordeal with former friends, you weren’t quite sure how to politely insert yourself without seeming like a burden or nuisance.

The other guy Mina had brought along, Jesse, seemed to notice your silent predicament. He was a tall, muscular Asian man who had jet-black hair and kind eyes. You and your friends were approaching a nearby bus stop when he first spoke to you.

“So, this is your first real party, huh?”

You almost jumped, surprised that someone was speaking to you.

“Oh! Umm, yeah,” You responded sheepishly. “Is it really that obvious?”

“A little, but it’s alright,” He chuckled. “I’m Jesse, by the way. What was your name again?”

You smiled meekly as you introduced yourself.

“I’ll be sure to remember that.” He said with a friendly, assuring grin.

You weren’t sure what it was about this guy Jesse, what it was about him that made you like him instinctively. Men generally made you feel uncomfortable, and you almost never had any guy friends. But something in your gut was telling you that he was genuine, someone you could trust.

“So do you go to these kinds of frat parties a lot?” You asked in an attempt to be social.

“Sometimes,” Jesse replied. “Don’t really like this specific frat we’re going to, but I’m supposed to be helping this friend of mine link up with some guy who’ll be there. Do you smoke pot?”

“Why do you ask? Are you a cop?” You joked.

“Oh, absolutely. That is precisely why I am tagging along with a bunch of underage freshmen to a booze-filled shitty, frat party as someone who is also currently underage.” He chuckled.

You smiled at him.

“Yeah, I smoke,” You eventually replied. “I don’t really have a solid plug out here just yet though.”

“Well, my friend is a dealer and the guy we’re meeting up with tonight actually grows nearby, so we’re gonna see if my friend can work with him. She needs to procure some more fresh ‘merchandise’ or whatever.” He said, making air quotes upon saying the word ‘merchandise.’ “If you’re looking for a regular plug, I can introduce you to her later.”

“That’d be perfect, honestly,” You replied. “Don’t know how I’ll be able to get through freshman year of college without the influence of drugs.”

“Trust me, I get it,” Jesse said. “I had to make do with second-rate dealers as a freshman last year ‘cause my old dealer back home is obviously far away. Everyone around here either charges way too much or their shit is completely dry and weak.”

“Damn,” You replied. “But you think your friend’s got better connections?”

“Well, we’re going to see. But she’s real great about finding good strains and shit. Hopefully, things work out tonight.”

“I hope so too. I don’t wanna try and find another dealer out here, and then it turns out they’re creepy or something. And I trust you and your faith in your friend.”

“Yeah?” Jesse said curiously. “That’s very nice of you.”

You shrugged and gave him a warm smile.

The rest of the trip to the Sigma Eta house was much more enjoyable now that you seemed to find a friend in Jesse. You clicked instantly with him: discussing where you were both from, what your majors were, what there was to do around and outside of the campus. He even gave you tips on how to navigate college as a freshman, having gone through it himself already the previous year. It comforted you that this person you’d just met already seemed adamant about looking out for you in a friendly, platonic manner.

As your group walked down the sidewalk that led to multiple houses where other college students resided, you spotted bright, strobing lights coming from a house towards the end of the street. The sounds of loud party music and boisterous chatter grew louder the further down you ventured. You finally came up to a house where several cars were haphazardly and crookedly parked out front and an assortment of other college kids loitered around the porch, most holding red solo cups filled to the brim.

Before you all stepped foot onto the front porch of the house, Astrid suddenly stopped and turned around to face the whole group.

“Hey, can we take a quick pic of all of us attending our first-ever college party? I wanna capture the memory of getting fucked up with my new dorm besties!” She gushed excitedly.

“You know, this actually isn’t my first college party.” Kristen chuckled, but Mina nudged her in the ribs.

“You know what she means, you killjoy. Come on, let’s all take a selfie!”

All the girls gathered together and began to link arms or embrace each other around the waist or drape their arms over each other’s shoulders. You turned towards Jesse, who was texting rapidly on his phone.

“So, selfie time?” You asked him.

“Nah, you guys go ahead. I think I’m gonna go find my friend inside ‘cause I’m pretty sure she’s here already. Plus I don’t wanna get in the way of you and your friends.”

“You’re my friend too,” You asserted boldly. “Come here and get in the picture with us, new friend.”

Jesse flashed you a warm smile and relented without any further argument.

Astrid held up her phone at a 45-degree angle towards the starry, night sky, angling it so she could get the whole group in the frame (except for Fred, whom she made very little effort to include in the picture, him standing at the edge of the group and desperately trying to have his face captured as well). You and Jesse stood right next to each other, and you allowed yourself to put a hand behind his back in an almost half-hug. You let out a partly genuine smile as Astrid said “Cheese!” and snapped a few photos of your group. After she sent the pictures to you and the rest of the girls in a mass group text (which she then promptly named “Wilson Crew ❤️‍🔥” after the dorm you were all living in), you and your new friends finally ventured into the Sigma Eta frat house.

The deafening noise of terrible EDM and the smell of sweat that filled the thick air was almost enough to make you regret coming out. But the rest of your group tittered in anticipation, so you feigned excitement as you all ventured further into the house.

You entered the dining room where a long, wooden table had been turned into a small, makeshift beer-pong court. There were several people gathered around it, whether as spectators or players. You watched as a girl in a ponytail whooped after she effortlessly bounced a ping-pong ball onto the table and into a red solo cup on her opponent’s side. Several bystanders cheered in response as a frat guy on the other side of the table cursed in jest and promptly chugged from the cup.

“Dina!” Astrid mused excitedly, approaching the girl. She gave her a tight hug, which the girl named Dina affectionately returned.

Dina was an incredibly pretty girl with tan skin and black, wavy hair. Beneath thick, dark eyebrows were a pair of beautiful brown eyes that looked extremely warm and welcoming. Being Astrid’s roommate, it’d have been an obvious guess that she was a freshman too like the rest of you. But she exuded this air of boldness and spunk that made it seem like she was a vetted college student. You noticed that several onlookers, mostly men, had been eyeing her shiftily and curiously.

“I thought you said you weren’t coming!” Astrid scolded her playfully.

“Well, I honestly wasn’t, but a friend of mine had been trying to persuade me to come and—” Dina began before breaking off suddenly.

Her eyes had wandered towards your group of friends and fell on Jesse who was standing right next to you. The wide smile on her face faltered as her animated expression turned into one of shocked recognition. You turned towards Jesse who had suddenly gone rigid and stone-faced. You looked back at the girl Dina who blinked back to reality and began to stutter.

“I-I’m g-gonna catch up with you later, okay?” She said to Astrid before making her way towards the back of the house.

“Ah, shit,” You heard Jesse mutter under his breath. “Goddamn it.”

“You know her?” You questioned him.

“That… was my ex-girlfriend Dina. Childhood and high school sweetheart.” He explained.

“Oh, shit.” You uttered.

“Hey, I’m… I’m gonna be right back, okay?” He said to you before quickly heading towards the direction that Dina had gone in.

You watched as he left you behind with your friends who began to gossip amongst themselves curiously about the exchange that had just occurred.

You’d been standing in the kitchen by yourself for the past five minutes, attempting to finish a drink in your hand that you’d reluctantly poured from an orange cooler on the counter. After they’d downed a couple of shots, the rest of the girls had tried to convince you to come to the basement where the dancing was primarily taking place. You declined and said that you needed a minute or two, promising you’d find them later. Though it was still relatively early in the evening, you were already feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated. You’d been faking plenty of smiles and forcing tight-lipped laughter all night; it was getting more tiring to feign excitement, especially now that the new friend you’d made tonight had not made a reappearance since quickly running after his ex-girlfriend.

Sighing, you refilled your red solo cup with the same unknown alcoholic contents from the cooler. You weren’t particularly enjoying the drink, completely confused as to what it was in the first place, but it was at least giving you something to do. As you continued to sip from your cup, you decided to venture towards the backyard where you figured Jesse had walked off.

Squinting past the darkness illuminated by the moonlight and the strobing lights peeking through the house’s windows, you scanned the numerous figures occupying the grassy lawn. You eventually spotted Jesse’s tall, dark silhouette after a minute or two, seeing that he was in a seemingly heated discussion with the pretty girl Dina. Deciding that this was a lover’s quarrel that you probably shouldn’t get in between, you find your tired, aching feet take you back inside the house.

You felt the temperature change back from brisk chilliness to throbbing heat from the pheromones in the musky air. Unsure of where to go, you walked back to the kitchen where you found a couple pressed up against each other in the spot you previously occupied. You grimaced at their pre-coital positioning and how they seemed to be swallowing each other’s faces before retreating from the room. Having no interest in watching the new round of beer-pong that several people had started again in the dining room, you settled for finding sanctuary elsewhere.

Finding an empty spot on a wall in the living room, you leaned up against it and took a generous sip from your cup. Though you didn’t have high expectations beforehand, the night was still going quite poorly. You cursed yourself silently for not having a sufficient social battery to socialize with your friends at the party nor enough courage to endure your overwhelming surroundings. You were contemplating whether you should rejoin the group after all in their close-quartered gyrating in the basement when you suddenly felt an invisible pull from across the room that called to you and compelled your head to instinctively turn in its direction.

Your eyes simultaneously met a pair of ocean green ones. The sounds of terrible music and overlapping chitchat immediately vanished when you saw her. You watched as her eyes scanned your face just as you scanned hers. The handsome stranger began to look you up and down before the left corner of her lips turned up in a crooked smile. Your cheeks burned in bashfulness and you tore your eyes away from her to stare at the ground and take another sip from your drink.

You felt your throat close up, your breathing hitch, and your entire body going up in flames. It felt as if someone had shot you through the chest with an arrow, aiming for and perfectly hitting where your heart was located. You felt utterly bare and naked in front of all these strangers, suddenly prey to a strange emotion that felt completely foreign to you. It was intoxicating, like you were completely wonderstruck within seconds of being in this stranger’s presence.

When you eventually felt her eyes wander elsewhere, you dared glance at her once more. She was incredibly handsome: her auburn hair partly tied up in a bun, cheeks adorned with freckles as if an angel had hand-painted them itself, broad shoulders that suggested a muscular frame underneath an old, brown motorcycle jacket she was wearing. She was sitting on this ratty old couch, manspreading in the middle as she noncommittally nodded at the people standing beside her. Her slender, long fingers were expertly wrapping a few rolling papers on the table in front of her. As she brought a joint up to her lips to lick it closed, her eyes flicked up once again to look at you. Embarrassed that you were caught shamelessly staring, you quickly focused your gaze in a different direction. From the corner of your eyes, you could see her chuckling.

The girl muttered something to her nearby companions before making her way across the room to you. Your drumming heartbeat echoed each of her steps, getting louder and louder in your chest the closer she got. You didn’t allow yourself to look her way again until she was right in front of you.

“Hey.” She said, voice rough and husky.

“Hi.” You responded, trying not to sound too flustered over this extremely attractive stranger approaching you to engage in conversation.

“You all alone tonight?” She asked.

“Not exactly,” You responded truthfully. “My friends are around here somewhere.”

“Oh?” She said, cocking her head slightly to the side as she crossed her arms.

“Yeah. I think downstairs, humping and gyrating with everyone else.” You joked.

She chuckled.

“Not your type of thing?”

“Not really,” You said. “I wasn’t in the mood tonight to get felt up by some horny frat guy trying to shove his limp-dick boner up against my ass.”

The girl let out a genuine laugh accompanied by a toothy grin.

“You’re funny.” She commented. You returned her smile with one of your own.

“Wanna come sit on the couch?” She asked. “You honestly look like you’re about to collapse at any second.”

“Yeah, it wasn’t really the best idea to wear a really nice pair of high heels to some crappy fraternity party.”

“Well, hey, they look good on you, so not a total loss.”

“Yeah?” You questioned, lifting an eyebrow.

“Yeah,” She smirked. “Anyway, come sit with me on this ugly ass couch. I promise I won’t try to shove my dick up your ass or anything.”

“Aww, you’re not? I was going to say yes, but if you’re not gonna shove your dick up my ass...” You teased boldly.

Even under the dim lights of the party, you thought you saw traces of pink appear underneath her freckles as she smiled. You felt your own cheeks burning.

“Come on, pretty girl.” She chuckled, leading you towards the sofa.

She sat back down in the middle but didn’t manspread this time to make room for you to sit comfortably next to her. Her body faced towards your direction, indicating to her companions that she was disinterested in any further conversation with them. Both your hands gripped onto your red solo cup tightly like it was your life-saving anchor. Your body tensed up from being so close to this handsome stranger whose name you didn’t even know yet.

Almost as if she read your mind, she introduced herself.

“I’m Ellie.”

You smiled nervously as you gave her your name.

“So,” She began. “You a freshman too, huh?”

“Yeah,” You hummed. “First ever college party.”

“Oh?” She said, reaching for one of her joints on the table.

“Mhmm,” You respond. “Not really as exciting as people have been making it out to be.”

“What, you’re not impressed by the repulsive smell of jungle juice and shitty trap music and the giant, sweaty orgy going on in the basement?”

“Eww,” You giggled, scrunching up your nose in disgust. “No, I wouldn’t really say that I’m impressed, exactly.”

Ellie chuckled before offering you the joint she was holding.

“You smoke?”

“Yeah, I do. But are you sure? I don’t wanna waste your weed.”

“I never mind smoking out pretty girls for free every now and again.” Ellie shrugged.

You ignored the way your heart fluttered as you placed your cup down and took the joint from her. You ignored the sudden, electric spark when you felt her skin brush against yours. You ignored how her own breathing seemed to hitch at that same moment before she pulled away from you to grab her lighter from a front pocket of her motorcycle jacket.

You placed the joint in between your lips, trying not to think about the fact that Ellie’d just sealed it a minute or two ago with her tongue. Ellie cupped her left hand around the tip while her right hand flicked on the lighter. Your eyes wandered from the budding flame to her eyes, which were already watching you. Her stare caught you off-guard that you almost forgot to inhale. You leaned away from her, both to blow the smoke in a different direction and to nervously catch your breath from how intimately close she was to you.

“So?” She inquired, reclining back and throwing her arm behind you on the back of the couch.

“Mm?” You hummed in question as you took another puff of the joint.

“How do you like the j?”

“Hmm,” You say after releasing another breath of smoke. “It’s… fine.”

“Just fine?” She asked, looking playfully offended.

“What!” You said, giggling and handing her back the joint. “It’s just a regular, old j! What else would you like me to say?”

“What, do you smoke some fancy ass weed with gold and diamonds and shit where you’re from?” Ellie chuckled.

“Sorry! I guess I’m just used to something very particular.”

“Oh, yeah?” She asked, cocking up an eyebrow, the one that you’d noticed had a slit right through it. “What do you mean by that exactly?”

“I usually lace my own js with lavender buds,” You explained. “Makes it taste better, in my opinion, and it helps me relax.”

“Really? Lavender, huh? I’ve never heard of someone doing that before.”

“A little trick I learned from an ex-girlfriend.” You clarified, pretending that you didn’t throw in that last word on purpose.

“That so?” She replied. You could have sworn that she had moved slightly closer the moment you mentioned having an ex-girlfriend.

“Mhmm. Lavender’s my favourite, but I’ve tried lacing them with other herbs and plants too.”

“Yeah? Like what?”

“I’ve done rose petals and passionflowers before. Gives them a much better flavour. Sage is good too if you wanna destress and all. And apparently, hibiscus and jasmine are, well…” Your sentence is cut short by a slightly drunken giggle emerging from your lips.

“Are what?” Ellie prompted you.

“Umm, they’re good too.”

“Good for what, exactly?”

You handed the joint back to her before responding.

“I heard that they’re supposedly good aphrodisiacs.” You nearly whispered.

Ellie smiled slyly, taking the joint back without breaking eye contact.

“Interesting” is all she says before taking a huge puff.

Whether it was the mysterious alcohol finally kicking in or the sudden presence of marijuana in your system, you felt a surge of sudden confidence flood your senses. You wanted to impress this strange girl, you wanted her to like you. And yet somehow, it feels almost as if you’d already met before.

“By the way,” Ellie began. “I really love your eye makeup. You did it yourself?”

“Thanks,” You smiled. “Yeah, I did.”

“That’s seriously fucking impressive. I’ve never been into makeup and girly shit like that, but I know it must take a fuck ton of talent to do it.”

“Nah,” You waved off before picking up your red solo cup from the table and drinking from it. “It’s really not that hard to learn. I taught myself how to do it for the most part.”

“That’s even more fucking impressive.” She stated simply. You gave her a sheepish smile before uttering another quiet thanks.

Before either of you could speak again, the guy leaning against the arm of the couch next to Ellie turned towards her.

“Yo, Williams, Chang here yet?” He asked.

“Really don’t know, man. He said he would be.”

“Damn. Call him or something.”

“Call him yourself. I’m not his mother.”

The guy tsked in irritation before returning to a conversation with his companions.

“Nice friends you got there.” You said out loud without thinking.

“We just got a mutual friend in common, that’s all,” Ellie replied, shrugging and taking another puff. “My best friend knows like, half the people who go to this school.”

You nodded in acknowledgement as she continued.

“Most people are usually disappointed that I’m not as nice as him.”

“You’re not?”

“Nah, apparently I’m ‘antagonistic’ and ‘mean’ and just really fucking rude.” She chuckled.

“Doesn’t seem like that to me.” You commented.

“Well, we just met,” She smirked. “Just wait a little while.”

“What, are you planning on being really mean to me in the future, Ellie?” You quipped.

She shrugged and you chuckled.

Both immensely absorbed in your engaging and private conversation, you weren’t quite sure exactly how long you and Ellie were sitting in that dirty living room on that ratty, old couch. You talked about the classes and professors you had in common, bonded over your shared love of music and the instruments you both played, laughed at all of the dumb and silly jokes she made.

At one point in the night, Tara emerged from the basement, all buzzed and sweaty. She scanned the living room, having been worried that she nor none of the rest of your friends had seen you since you’d all first arrived at the house. Upon spotting you sitting so intimately to Ellie, her whispering something in your ear and you boisterously laughing, Tara smiled and retreated back to the basement.

Ellie was beginning to tell you about her hometown when your conversation was suddenly interrupted by a familiar voice.

“Hey, yo, El!” You heard Jesse say from behind you.

You turned around to see a jovial expression on his face that didn’t quite meet his serious eyes. He was smiling in greeting, but it seemed like whatever occurred in the private conversation he had with the girl Dina rattled him in some way.

“Yo, Jess,” Ellie said, waving him over. “Been wondering where the fuck your ass has been this whole time, man.”

“Ahh, well, I kind of… got detained by D…” He admitted as he approached the couch before spotting you sitting next to Ellie. “Oh, shit! You guys know each other?”

“What, you don’t know that we’re lifelong best friends?” Ellie said, winking at you. You turned away as you bit your lip, attempting to hide the smile on your face and the heat rising to your cheeks.

“Now, hang on, I thought we were lifelong best friends?” Jesse gasped playfully, putting one hand on his hip and gesturing between you and him mockingly.

“Sorry dude, I claimed her already.” Ellie said, smirking.

You tried to ignore Jesse’s mumble of “greedy whore” towards Ellie in between loud, fake coughs.

“Anyway, you saw D? Are you okay?” Ellie said, her tone more serious now.

“I mean, I guess,” Jesse sighed. “Thought she wasn’t tagging along tonight, but I guess she did.”

“Sorry, man, I really thought you knew.”

“It’s cool. I was gonna end up seeing her at some point. Might wanna check up on her, though.”

“She okay?”

“I think so, but you know how she can be.”

“Where’d she run off to know?”

“I think she said that she was gonna go hang out with her roommate or something for the rest of the night.”

“I’ll text her, see where she is.”

“Oh, umm,” You said, awkwardly speaking up. “My friend Astrid is her roommate, so I think your friend Dina went downstairs to the basement.”

Both Ellie and Jesse looked slightly taken aback at your short degree of separation.

“Sorry,” You apologized as you looked down at your hands in embarrassment. “I didn’t mean to insert myself.”

“Hey,” Ellie assured, nudging your shoulder with hers. “Didn’t I just say that we’re lifelong best friends?”

You looked up at her and smiled with appreciation at her thoughtfulness.

Ellie, realizing they’d been leaving you out of their conversation, quickly filled in the blanks.

“Our other lifelong best friend Dina got dumped by this asshole joker right here a little while back. It was a bit of a messy break-up.”

“I haven’t always been the smooth and suave man that you see before you today.” Jesse quipped.

“Never have been, dumbass.” Ellie added. Jesse gave her a scowl, which she mockingly returned.

“Anyway,” She continued. “Now I’ve been stuck being the middle man for the past year or so ‘cause these two clowns don’t know how to talk about their motherfucking feelings.”

You chuckled at Ellie’s choice of words.

“I’m sure she’s okay if she’s with your friend, though. This Astrid girl nice?” Ellie inquired.

“Oh, she’s the absolute sweetest.” You affirmed.

“Well, I trust your judgment. I’ll give her some time and check up on her after.” Ellie concluded, giving you a half-smile.

It was so curious how these people you’d known only for a few hours seemed to somehow trust you so intimately and almost blindly. Besides your cousin Rafael who’s known you since birth, you’d never clicked so well with anyone else in your life. You felt a quiet warmth in your chest, feeling as if you had been soulmates with these people in a past life.

“Might as well,” Jesse said, looking down at his buzzing phone. “Eugene’s contact said he’s here. He’s out back if you still wanna talk to him.”

You suddenly felt naive, not realizing sooner that Ellie was the dealer friend Jesse had been talking to you about earlier in the evening. Her previous rolling of papers and multiple joints should have been a dead giveaway, but you were far too mesmerized by Ellie and her charm and her ocean green eyes to give much notice to your current surroundings.

“Ah, shit, I totally forgot,” Ellie cursed.

She looked at you.

“Umm, do you wanna come with? It’ll probably be boring as shit, but—”

“No, no, it’s okay,” You said, waving her off. “It sounds pretty important. Jesse was telling me earlier that you needed to meet up with him.”

Ellie turned towards him, an annoyed look on her face.

“Now, why are you going around telling my business to everyone?” She asked him.

“It’s fun.” Jesse joked. Ellie rolled her eyes.

“If, uh, you wanna stick around, this probably won’t take long. I’ll see you after?” She said guiltily. You gave her a soft smile.

“Ellie, please go ahead. I’m a big girl; I can be left alone for two seconds.”

She chuckled at your words as she stood up from her seat next to you, not before brushing her hand and her knee against yours. You wondered silently if she did so by accident.

“See you in a bit, pretty girl.” Ellie said, winking at you.

You watched as she and Jesse walked off towards the backyard of the house. Once they were out of sight, you sighed quietly.

You realized that you were all alone tonight once again, this time through no fault of your own. Not knowing what else to do, you leaned back into the sagging sofa and pulled out your phone from a pocket of your skirt. As you waited for your companions to return, you scrolled mindlessly through different social media outlets for a while until your entertainment was exhausted and eventually settled on Instagram. After a couple of minutes of looking through your friends’ stories and posts, sending likes and comments every now and again, you see something that suddenly makes your stomach drop.

Still not fully over the results of the disastrous break-up with your high school ex-girlfriend, you hadn’t unfollowed or blocked her on social media just yet. You realized in the moment what a grave mistake that was when you came across a post with several photos of her and all your former friends at some party with a couple of unknown people included. Hot tears formed in your eyes when, while swiping through the many images, you encountered one picture with your ex-girlfriend’s arms wrapped around a strange girl you didn’t recognize. Their physical intimacy and stances suggested something more than just friendship.

You suddenly felt the urge to throw up and you immediately rose from your seat in search of a nearby bathroom. Eventually, you came across a small one towards the front of the house and wrenched it open, feeling lucky that it was presently unoccupied. Leaning over the grimy sink, the feeling of nausea subdued from what you figured was a result of separating yourself from the overstimulation of the party. Still, your hands and neck felt clammy. You felt as if you couldn’t breathe, no matter how hard you inhaled and exhaled.

You raised your head up to look at yourself in the murky mirror. Thick tears threatened to fall from the corners of your eyes. Pieces of hair stuck to your forehead with nervous sweat. Lips were trembling and shakingly releasing laboured breaths.

Leaving your past behind was not as simple as you believed it could be. The past several months had been a personal hell for you, having been abandoned to be lonely and companionless by people you loved. After a messy break-up with someone who suddenly broke your heart, a result of two young, dumb kids attempting to be much more mature than they actually were, your entire friend group ended up choosing her in the aftermath. It left you completely grief-stricken and betrayed, not expecting the people you believed cared for you to cast you aside so quickly and easily.

You’d spent the entire summer after graduating high school healing and recovering from such a loss, and you’d genuinely believed that you came to your new school fully mended. But as you stood in front of a fogged-up mirror in a dingy frat house bathroom, it seemed as if you hadn’t fully overcome your emotional wounds like you thought.

You were dabbing the soggy sweat off your moist forehead when someone suddenly knocked on the bathroom door, causing you to jump.

“Oh, umm, someone’s in here!” You quickly exclaimed. The sound of the same voice you’d been listening to all evening calling out your name from behind the door had you grip the edges of the sink and freeze in place.

“Y-yeah?” You asked falteringly.

“Hey, uhh, i-it’s Ellie.”

“Oh!” You said in surprise. “Hi! Umm, I-I’ll be out in a minute!”

“Hey, uhh, are you okay?” Ellie said after a beat or two.

“Y-yeah, I’m fine!” You cried out unconvincingly.

“Can… can I come in?” She asked hesitantly.

“Oh! Umm—”

“It’s okay if you don’t want me to! If you need space—”

“No, no!” You interrupted.

You took a deep breath, threw out the damp tissue you still held in your hand, and carefully opened the door to reveal Ellie with a concerned look on her face.

“It’s a bit of a tight fit, but, uhh…” You said, stepping aside to let her in.

You backed up to make space for her and sat on the edge of the shabby-looking tub as Ellie closed the bathroom door behind her before leaning her back against it.

“How’d you know where to find me?” You inquired.

“Someone saw you come in here.” She explained.

“Oh” was all you could say in return.

There were several moments of complete silence, neither of you knowing how to start or what to say. It was you who eventually broke it out of nervousness.

“So, umm, how did it go with that guy you were talking to?” You asked awkwardly.

“Oh, uhh, good. At least, I think so. Gave me a pretty good deal and all.” Ellie replied.

You nodded in response.

“So, hey, uhh, if you need a new plug out here…” She pointed a pair of finger guns at you, to which you half-heartedly chuckled.

“Sorry,” She apologized. “I’m not really as smooth as I would like to think.”

“Don’t worry, I still think you’re plenty charming. Dorky, but charming.” You gave her a soft, affectionate smile that she returned as you saw her turn slightly pink underneath her numerous freckles.

“So, uhh, are you okay? I don’t mean to pry or anything, and you don’t need to say anything if you don’t want to—” She began to ramble.

“Ellie,” You said, chuckling. “It’s alright. I don’t mind, and you’re not prying.”

She let out a quiet sigh of relief.

“Just a bunch of bullshit in regards to my ex,” You explained. “Thought I was past it all, but…”

Ellie nodded in understanding.

“Still not over her?”

“Oh, god, no, no, I’m completely over her,” You clarified quickly. “But dealing with the outcome of it all… isn’t necessarily fun.”

“Yeah,” Ellie agreed. “I completely get it.”

You looked up at her with an expression of gratitude.

“Man, this lesbian shit is real fucking messy and complicated, huh?” She quipped in an attempt to lighten the mood. You couldn’t help but giggle at her joke.

“How’d you know that I wasn’t okay?” You asked her after a beat or two.

“The people I was with earlier said that the pretty girl I was talking to suddenly looked stressed and ran to the bathroom.” Ellie explained, shrugging. You attempted to hide your bashful smile as you felt your cheeks go hot again.

“Wanna get out of this disgusting bathroom and go smoke some more?” She asked.

You and Ellie were passing another joint back and forth again several feet away from the Sigma Eta frat house. You’d both taken shelter underneath a nearby tree, listening to the muffled bass drops of yet another bad EDM song currently playing from the frat house. The weed was calming your nerves down slightly, but you had a gut feeling that it was Ellie’s presence that was the actual cause of your peace of mind.

“Damn, I really wanna try your lavender-laced trick now.” Ellie said after taking a hit of the joint.

“I mean, it’s not really my trick. It was my ex’s idea.” You chuckled dryly as you watched her blow the smoke up towards the night sky.

“Oh, fuck that shit. I don’t know her and I know you, so it’s your recipe.” She disagreed. You laughed graciously at her argument.

“Can I ask what happened?” Ellie began, handing the joint to you. “Like, did the bitch suddenly call or text you, or…”

“Nah,” You said after a puff. “She posted something on Instagram and, I don’t know, I guess seeing evidence of her existence triggered something in me.”

“Wait, you don’t have her blocked?”

“No…” You admitted sheepishly. “I still follow her and everything…”

“What!!” Ellie exclaimed. “Why?!”

“I don’t know!” You laughed at her immediate indignation. “I just could never get myself to actually do it!”

“Alright, no more free weed for you!” Ellie proclaimed, swiftly snatching the joint out of your fingertips.

“Noooo!” You whined.

“You’re on a time-out for still keeping your stupid ex-girlfriend in your life in some kind of way!”

“Look, I like to lurk sometimes! I can’t do that if I have her blocked!” You protested, attempting to take the joint back from her.

“Oh, now you’re definitely not getting any more free weed!” Ellie said, holding the joint up and away from your reach.

“How else am I supposed to be a miserable, pathetic lesbian who needs to be sad and tragic if you don’t let me!!” You said, giving up and crossing your arms over your chest in a huff.

“Pretty girls like you should be spending their freshman year in college in their drunken whore eras, not in an ‘I’m gonna sulk over my worthless ex the whole time’ era!”

“Ugh. Yeah, I know, I know,” You sighed. “But that all sounds like so much work!”

“Alright, give me your phone.” Ellie said suddenly.

“What?” You asked, surprised. “Why?”

“Just give me!” She insisted, holding her free hand out.

You pulled out your phone from one of your skirt’s pockets and handed it over to her, eyeing her suspiciously.

“What are you up to, Ellie?” You inquired of her.

“Just hold this!” She replied, handing you the joint. “But no smoking!”

“Yes, sir!” You said with a salute before taking a quick puff.

Ellie rolled her eyes, chuckled, and had you unlock your phone before taking it back to open up your Instagram.

“Okay, what’s your ex’s name?”

“... why?” You asked skeptically.

“Just trust me!”

You squinted your eyes at her before reluctantly giving her your ex’s name and Instagram handle. As you took a generous hit of the joint, you leaned over and watched as Ellie went to your ex’s profile and blocked her.

“Ellie!!” You protested.

“This is for your own good!” She exclaimed.

“Oh god,” You laughed. “Yeah, yeah, maybe.”

“Definitely.” She asserted before typing another handle into your Instagram search bar.

“What are you doing now?” You asked dubiously.

“Replacing your ex with a hotter, much cooler person.” She explained simply before handing your phone back and taking the joint out of your hand.

You looked at your screen to see Ellie’s Instagram profile and realized she’d followed herself through your account.

“Wow. Dinosaur nerd, huh?” You said, noticing one of her posts was of her posing geekily next to a dinosaur skeleton display in some museum.

“Shut up.” She chuckled before hitting the joint.

“Well, are you gonna follow me back?” You asked.

“I don’t know, I don’t really know you that well.” Ellie shrugged.

“You dick!” You scoffed, to which she laughed. “What happened to us being lifelong best friends?”

“Calm down, calm down,” She chuckled, holding the joint between her teeth and already pulling out her phone. “Bossy.”

You felt your phone buzz with a new notification from Instagram.

“There you go,” She said, putting her phone back in her pocket. “Now we’re official lifelong besties.”

You laughed. Your affection for this incredibly handsome and charming girl that you had just met tonight was growing more and more by the second. Every time she laughed at a joke you’d make or stared at your lips a little too long or brushed her skin against yours, you wondered if you were imagining it or if she had been feeling the same spark too.

“Hey, umm,” You began. “Thank you for that.”

“Don’t have to thank me. I’m sure you would have done it eventually. At least, I hope so.” She chuckled at the last part.

“Oh, I don’t know. I honestly hold on to shit like that forever. I would have probably stayed following her ‘til I was I was fifty.”

Ellie laughed.

For the next few minutes, you told her all about the sorry tale of the break-up between you and your ex. As you and Ellie went through and finished yet another joint, she listened to you intently while she leaned against the tree you’d been standing next to. She didn’t interrupt you, aside from an occasional supportive comment or two, intent on letting you rant your pent-up frustrations out.

You hadn’t opened up to anyone else about this, apart from your cousin Rafael. It felt like you had nobody else left to trust your heart with. And yet, there was something so different and familiar about Ellie that made you feel so at home, so comfortable confiding such intimate thoughts and experiences. She happily entertained you as you confessed to her the way you’d never done before with anyone else, her face looking so sympathetic and gentle as she watched you ramble.

“Oh my fucking god,” You eventually said after a while. “I can’t believe I’ve been babbling nonstop about my bullshit, I am so sorry, I—”

You buried your face in your hands in embarrassment.

“Hey, no, no,” Ellie interrupted, pulling your hands away from your face. “None of that. Don’t apologize, please. It’s shit that you obviously have needed to get off your chest for a long time now. I don’t mind listening at all.”

“Okay, but I’m a total stranger who just trauma dumped on you like a dumbass—”

“Alright, no, you are not a dumbass,” Ellie insisted. “And lifelong best friends, remember?”

She gave you a soft smile and began to rub her thumbs against your palms, her warm touch making you tremble.

“Oh, hey, you’re shivering, here.” Ellie said, taking off her motorcycle jacket and placing it around your shoulders.

“Oh,” You said, “T-thanks, Ellie.”

“Looks really good on you.” She commented, smiling. You felt your cheeks go hot again.

“It-it’s very nice.” You said.

“Yeah, it’s my dad’s old jacket. He gave it to me when I was around 14. He used to be a delinquent and was part of some gang or something when he was younger. Rode motorcycles a lot or some shit like that. I’ll tell you more about it one of these days.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Ellie seemed to realize how close she was to your face and how intimately she was holding you. A little sheepish, she walked back a few steps to lean against the tree. She crossed her arms against her chest and, her arms now uncovered, you noticed a large tattoo covering her right forearm.

“I like your tattoo,” You commented. “What is it?”

“Oh,” She said, glancing down at her arm. “It’s a moth with some ferns around it.”

“It’s absolutely gorgeous.”

“Thanks. My ex-girlfriend did the tattoo itself, but I created the design.”

“Woah, really?”

“Yeah.” Ellie said, chuckling at your admiration.

“I know you were telling me earlier that you like to draw, but that really is something.”

“It is?” Ellie replied. You could see her blushing even under the dim glow of the moonlight.

“You’re really talented, Ellie.”

“Nah. I mean, my ex-girlfriend Cat, she did a lot of work making it look better and shit.”

“Still, it’s very impressive.” You insisted. “Do you think— Can I…?”

You extended a hesitant hand out towards her tattooed arm. She smiled warmly as she offered it to you.

“Yeah, go ahead.”

You lifted your outreached hand to trace your fingertips across the multiple leaves decorating her skin. You stared at the intricate design of the Death’s-head hawkmoth that was perched atop the ferns.

“It really suits you.” You said.

“You think so?”

“I do.”

As you continued to stroke Ellie’s tattoo, you felt electricity once again run between you two. You looked up at her to see her ocean green eyes staring at you. You’d never seen anyone look at you that way, not even your ex-girlfriend. You tried to decipher her expression when the moment was suddenly interrupted by your name being called coming from the direction of the frat house.

“There you are!” Tara exclaimed, half-jogging towards you.

“Oh, hey, Tara.” You greeted her, pulling your hands away from Ellie.

“Been looking for you everywhere.” Tara said.

“Sorry, the party was getting a little too much for me. Needed a breather.” You apologized before gesturing towards your companion. “This is Ellie, by the way. She’s Jesse’s roommate.”

“Oh, hey, nice to meet you, man.” Tara said, nodding towards her in greeting. Ellie replied with a nod of her own.

“This is Tara, my roommate.” You gestured to Tara this time.

“Nice to meet you too, dude.” Ellie repeated back to her.

“So, uhh,” Tara began. “Half the group is completely wasted, and Astrid really wants to get rid of that guy Fred who has not stopped trying to grope her all night.”

“Oh, gross. Is she alright?”

“Yeah, she’s okay. But we’re gonna order an Uber and we’re about to head home in a sec. Did you wanna come with or…”

“Oh, umm…” You turned towards Ellie.

“Go on,” Ellie replied, smiling. “I think I’m gonna go find my friend Dina.”

“I’m gonna go gather up the girls.” Tara said, pointing a thumb towards the house. “Nice to meet you again!”

“You too, man.” Ellie said as you both watched Tara walk off.

“Go ahead,” Ellie said, head motioning after Tara. “Go help your friends.”

“Are-are you sure?” You said hesitantly.

“Here, give me your phone again.” She said, holding her hand out. This time, you didn’t hesitate and unlocked it before handing it to her.

You watched as Ellie quickly typed for a few moments before placing it back in your hand. Glancing at the screen, you saw that she’d texted a new contact she’d named “Ellie 😛” with the message “hey sexy” accompanied by a winking emoji.

“Oh my god, you’re annoying.” You said, laughing.

“What, you don’t think I’m sexy?” She replied, grinning.

“Goodbye, Ellie.” You chuckled, walking away a couple of steps before suddenly stopping in your tracks.

“Oh, wait, your jacket—” You said, beginning to shrug off her old motorcycle jacket.

“No, go ahead and keep it.” She interrupted, securing it back onto your shoulders.

“Are you sure?” You asked.

“Gives you a good excuse to see my sexy ass later.” She smirked.

“Shut up,” You said, unable to hide a smile. “You are so annoying.”

“You love it.” She said, smirking once more.

As she adjusted the jacket onto you, you realized just how close she was again. You stared at her and she stared right back. There was a moment or two when you gazed into each other’s eyes, neither saying anything. You felt heat increasingly rising to your face when she suddenly brushed a piece of hair from your forehead.

You found yourself completely unwilling to leave this bubble that enclosed only you and Ellie. It was extraordinary how intimately absorbed you felt in this person you’d only seen for the first time today, how enchanted you felt by merely being in her presence. In just a few hours, she filled your mind completely with thoughts of her and only her. You prayed that this wasn’t a chance meeting but the beginning of something life-changing.

The moment was once again interrupted, this time by Jesse.

“Dude, I was—” Jesse began, but upon seeing what he’d walked in on, his sentence faltered. “Oh, shit, sorry—”

“It’s okay, Jesse,” You assured. “I gotta go, anyway.”

You turned back towards Ellie.

“I’ll, umm, see you soon?” You asked nervously.

“I hope so.” She replied, smiling softly.

You began to walk back towards the house, giving a quick goodbye to Jesse. Once you reached the front porch and before you walked through the door, you turned back to where Ellie and Jesse were standing beneath the tree.

You lifted your hand and waved at Ellie, which she returned with her own soft wave. The look on her face looked completely dazed and awestruck. You bit your lip in nervous anticipation, looking into her ocean green eyes one more time before walking into the house.

After a beat or two, Jesse finally spoke.

“Is she wearing Joel’s old jacket?”

“Shut the fuck up, Jesse.”

author's notes:

i can’t believe this is finally out!! sorry for taking so long to update this, but hopefully how long this is will make up for the time ♡︎

the "barbie heterosexual" line is a reference to a line from the iconique movie "imagine me and you" :)

reader's little spiel to tara about her dating preference is just another little love letter of mine towards masc/butch/stud lesbians. just love y'all so much, you deserve the world.

fred is named after another jackson resident in the actual game (as i've probably mentioned before, all the character names in this fic are purposeful: either named after actual characters or named after people irl). i thought it was a silly little reference for him to go after astrid cause in the games, he's barely mentioned except at one point when it's seen he was paired up with astrid for patrol at one point. i enjoy my little easter eggs :)

the descriptions of most of reader’s friends are slightly based on the physical appearances of some of my irl friends :)

i’ve discovered that i really love making these flashback chapters hehe

like i said, i’m so sorry for taking forever to update this!! my life has been an absolute shit show lately (if you’ve been keeping up with my personal ramblings on here, you know by now lol). but the next few chapters have been basically mapped out already, so hopefully it won’t take me that long to update this with the next chapter ♡︎

taglist: @lonelyfooryouonly, @elliesinterlude, @sawaagyapong, @peppesgirl, @iconsoft, @maybeidohaveadhd, @ellieswifee, @valiantllamapersonpony-blog, @nil-eena, @echostinn

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#nobody compares to you series #ellie williams #dealer!ellie #ellie x reader #ellie x you #ellie x y/n #the last of us #tlou #the last of us part 2 #tlou2 #ellie fanfiction #belle speaks #belle writes

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captain-mj · 11 months

Note

Could I get Siren!Soap and Siren!Roach? With (brutal captain?) Pirate!Ghost? Please?

Barking, jumping on my little toes, yeah I can, especially the brutal part

Ghost felt like he was going insane. He knew that Soap and Roach couldn't be human. He suspected for so long that something was wrong with them but now it was a persistent problem.

The two of them had... bewitched him somehow. Clearly. In their presence, Ghost's thoughts were consumed by them. How beautiful they were. How brave. How cool as well. Also, an ever growing anxiety on what they thought about him.

Away from them, his brain worked normally and he could realize how evil they were.

Right now, he watched them from afar, they talked amongst each other. Well, Soap talked. Roach never spoke, just watched him and listened. They were so pretty together. Pictures of beauty.

Ghost knew they could not be human. Impossible.

His cold heart would not open so easily. However, despite how cruel he could be to others, he had trouble being mean to him. He assumed this had something to do with the curse they had put on him, but the idea of doing what he would do to anyone else, skinning them, having them tied to the mast and whipped, tying them up tight and dangling them over the edge so they drowned, well... it bothered him.

Naively, he told all of this to his friends Price, Alejandro, Rodolfo and Alex. Gaz was nearby but had "gotten distracted". Lately, he had been avoiding him.

"I'm sorry. You're saying that last night you slept with them," "Yes." "and this is a problem... why?" Price asked, confused.

Ghost frowned. "Because they've bewitched you?"

Alex hummed. "I mean... sounds like you need it. Might make you a bit happier."

Ghost threw his hands up. "But they're not human!"

"Yeah, but you're getting laid. So why are you complaining?" Alejandro pointed out. He glanced at Rodolfo who had a funny smile on his face.

They did their stupid telepathic thing and Ghost looked away. "Yes, but it's... different. It's not just... sex. I want to be with them."

Price sighed. "Simon." He gave him a pity smile. "have you considered that maybe, just maybe, you like them? It's not a bad thing to want companionship."

"I do not need companions. You all are not listening. They're evil."

All of them exchanged glances before glancing over him.

Ghost got up and left, whistling to indicate to his crew they also needed to come with. He went straight to his quarters to be alone.

The footsteps that followed him made it clear that wouldn't be happening. A rational person would tell the sea witches to be gone, but he was a weak man. So he quietly undressed, hung up his Captain's hat, and went inside, leaving the door open.

Roach's hands were on his back, tracing the whip scars under his shirt. His soft lips pressed to his back, sending shivers down his spine before his deft little hands unbuttoned Ghost’s shirt.

"Hey, Bug."

Roach grabbed his waist and squeezed gently. He smiled against his back and Ghost hated that he was so weak as to allow this.

Soap started to undo the laces of Ghost's shoes, looking up at him. “Captain…”

“Johnny…”

Soap kissed his thigh and then moved to undoing the laces of his pants.

“Evil.” Was all Ghost managed, only met by their laughter.

“So evil.” Soap agreed while he smiled at him. “Irrefutably. And why exactly am I evil?”

Ghost refused to answer, instead looking away. "Dastardly...."

Soap laughed and Ghost could feel Roach's shoulder shaking. "Uh huh."

Ghost stepped out of his shoes and kicked his pants off. He closed his eyes as he was moved around. Roach tapped his jaw and lifted his mouth to just his mask. They kissed quietly as Roach licked into his mouth, moaning softly.

Soap gently kissed Ghost's stomach. "Bug, can I have him first?"

Roach nodded immediately and kissed Ghost's neck. He bit him gently to make him groan.

Soap kissed Roach to thank him, both of them exchanging a good bit of tongue. Ghost swallowed and watched him. They noticed and quickly gave him more attention. Kissing down his neck and along his chest. Roach grabbed his pecs and squeezed.

Ghost looked away as Soap trailed his fingers further down.

"Simon," Soap said gently and it made Ghost shiver at the use of his real name and not the one he chose for pirating, "you okay?" Roach forced Ghost to look at him, right into his eyes as Soap continued. "If you don't want it, we can leave?"

"Please don't leave." Ghost rasped.

Soap sank down on to him, a perfect fit. "Good. That's what I like to hear. You change your mind and it's over okay?" He twisted his hips and the heat tightened around him. Pleasure rushed through his veins until he almost went deaf from the blood rushing in his ears. They always made him feel like this. Never pressured into anything. Always pleased and... loved. Like that was something he was capable of feeling. Their every touch was magic but especially like this, alone and against his bare and scarred skin. Gentle and sweet and ready to listen to cues that Ghost didn't even understand.

Ghost nodded and felt Roach's lips on his neck. He closed his eyes and groaned softly. "I know. It's diabolical what you do."

Roach laughed and traced the words into his skin. Gentle and careful over his chest. The lines overlapped and didn't make sense but he knew he was speaking to him. He made a questioning hum.

Ghost answered. "Putting me under spells. Giving me this..." He groaned as Soap shifted. Like he read his mind, Soap knew he wanted soft and sweet. He rode him with no amount of haste, enjoying himself and making sure Ghost did too.

"You think I'd need a spell?" Soap ground down on him and he melted in pleasure. "Roach definitely doesn't."

Roach grinned and leaned in, biting his earlobe. His soft humming did something to Ghost's brain. It didn't... take anything away or control him. As much as he wanted to just blame that, it clearly wasn't as simple. Instead, it simply eased his anxieties. Made it easier to give in to the offer.

Because he didn't want sex. Not really. He wanted their affections. Their love.

And they knew this. The evil, tyrannical, dastardly-

Roach kissed him sweetly and Soap sped up. They fought a little over who got to kiss his neck and who kissed his lips, so they kept alternating, keeping him dizzy.

Ghost turned his head and tried to breath. He tightened his grip on both of them and came hard, head spinning. Soap kissed him softly and pulled away.

Roach quickly replaced them, much more excitedly. He kissed him frantically as he tried to get Ghost hard again before quickly riding him. His mouth was soft against his throat, trying to bite down. Teeth far too sharp to be human pierced him.

A voice rose above it all. A simple order that his entire body fought against but ultimately obeyed.

"Relax."

Ghost felt like he was floating. Roach attacked his neck and shoulders to litter him with bites as he bounced as quickly as he could.

Soap gripped Ghost's hair and tugged a little, listening to the guttural noise it got out of him. Ghost yanked him closer and bit his throat hard enough to bleed right as he came again. Vision whiting out and ears ringing.

He woke up moments later, licked clean, saliva still drying on his chest with both of them laying all over him.

"Why do you insist we have to be evil?"

Ghost grunted. Maybe he was wrong. It didn't make much sense for them to not be human. Roach didn't ev-

Lyrical and alluring, Roach spoke. "And it's not like we're going to eat you." Soap laughed, sharp teeth showing.

Ghost thought about it for a moment. He should kick them out. Be sane.

He pulled them closer to sleep.

#Johnny “Soap” Mactavish #Simon “Ghost” Riley #Gary Roach Sanderson #Soap Cod #Ghost COD #Soapghost #Ghostsoap #Soap x Ghost #Ghost x Soap #Macriley #Call of Duty #Call Of Duty Modern Warfare 2 #ghost x roach #roach x ghost #roach x soap #soap x roach #ghost x soap x roach

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ssentimentals · 1 year

Text

crushing doubts {boo seungkwan}

pairing: seungkwan x gn!reader

prompt: 'you brought me flowers?' (this work is part of my 1k event, go check out other works of mine here)

warnings: generally none as it is fluff, but reader is very insecure and struggles with self-worth so please be mindful if these themes trigger you!

a loud laugh echoes in the hall and you freeze, unmistakenly recognizing source of this sound. only one person's laughter makes your heart do this stupid fluttery thing that reddens your cheeks and dries out your throat. it's seungkwan, of course. seungkwan is the you had crush on since the very first day of college and seungkwan is also happens to be the very same boy who told you that he likes you three days ago. he also is the boy who you've been steadily avoiding for the past three days. today should have been day number four of your avoidance, but universe obviously does not favor you that much; you knew your luck would run out sooner or later. looking around in source of escape, with growing horror you realize that there's really nowhere to go apart from turning back to your previous class and-

'-our professor almost had a heart attack! i kind of did feel bad though- oh.'

that oh makes you want to shrink up and disappear, but some things are not possible no matter how much you wish for them. you stand frozen on the spot, caught like a deer in highlights and although you're looking at the ground, you can feel seungkwan's eyes on you. don't come close, you beg for him in your mind. please, oh please, don't make a show, just act like i'm not here. it seems like universe does favor you still because seungkwan continues his speech and passes you in a blink, not sparing you a second glance. it takes few seconds for him and dino to pass and you wait for few more just in case before rushing out of that space. stupid, stupid, stupid. guilt and blame battle in yur head as you rush back to your room, not noticing anything around you. see, anxiety is a dirty, dirty liar and you're aware of that. it's just sometimes it's really hard to pull yourself out of those negative thoughts and self-blaming, sometimes it's hard to catch yourself at the moment before spiraling.

once in the safe quarters of your room, you feel tiredness overwhelm you as thoughts come back to seungkwan. you like him, of course. how can you not? how can anyone not? he's sunshine, he's warm and loving and always mindful of others. he is loud, he incredibly entertaining but in a way that is never offensive to someone else. he is handsome also with his baby cheeks and big dark eyes that stare at you with all the care in the world. and above it all, he is kind. oh, he is so kind that you don't udnerstand how so much generosity and empathy can all be placed into a one person. that's why - that's exactly why - you don't understand how someone like him could possibly fall for someone like you. everything about is so painstakingly normal and average, not nearly enough to hold attention of someone like seungkwan. you don't think he played a joke on you when he confessed - no, he's not that cruel, you are sure. but you also can't believe him; if it's not a joke, maybe it's something else? you never really thought much about his actions towards you: seungkwan was as kind and nice to you as he is to everyone else.

why would he say that he likes you then? why would he confess?

you didn't have any explanation for these questions. what could he like? you were never someone popular and never had line of secret admirers behind your back. seungkwan looks like someone who deserves another sunshine of the person standing next to him, but in your head you'll only deem his light. fingers picking at the hem of your oversized hoodie, you think of most memorable interactions of you both together and with a startle you realize that seungkwan always, always went out of his way to make you feel good about yoursef: ('whoa, you are so smart!' seungkwan gushed, staring at your completed exam paper. 'you really are a genius, huh?'

blushing, you shaked your head. 'no, i'm just-'

'you're the first one to finish,' seungkwan interrupted in a flat voice, pointing out obvious. 'you're always first one to finish and you get the best grades. what is it called if not being smart?')

or how he always somehow knew about interactions with your other friends and he'd always point out how you help them out or how highly they speak of you: ('you are very loved,' seungkwan's voice held too much emotion for you to be able to look in his eyes. 'your friends love you a lot.'

warm fuzzy feeling filled your chest and you smiled. 'i love them too.'

seungkwan chuckled at this and you finally dared to look up, willing your heart to start beating so fast. he stared at you with incomprehensible softness and part of you thought he looked almost fond, but another part immediately dispersed that idea. 'good. i'm happy that you're surrounded by people you love and who love you back.')

he always striked conversations with you first and themes varied from latest gossips to the most random facts ever, all to keep you entertained: ('did you know that crocodiles cannot stick their tongue out?' seungkwan seemed to be fascinated by this new knowledge. 'poor guys.'

'why would they need to stick their tongues out?' you wondered out loud, smiling a little as he quickly fell into the step with you, your shoulders bumping at each other a little. 'i don't think you have history next, why are coming with me?'

'to not let you get bored, of course,' seungkwan replied like it's obvious. 'and because i love your company. but also because i just learned that fact and really needed someone to tell.')

you smile at your last memory before biting your lower lip in frustration. because i love your company. could it be true? your company was nothing special. surely not special enough for seungkwan to even consider wasting his time in walking you to your lecture even if that's exactly what he did. groaning at complete misunderstanding of it all, you grab your blanket, throwing yourself at the bed with a huff. when you close your eyes that fateful day from three days ago comes into your mind. (he caught you off guard when you were going back home and you didn't think anything much at first, because seungkwan has that tendency of coming up unexpectedly; but then you started to get worry as he looked nervous. 'is everything okay?' you asked with your heart at your throat. seungkwan never looked nervous and in turn it grated on your own nerves. 'something happened?'

'no-no, everything is fine,' he quickly reassured you and even smiled, staring at you with that same gaze that looked almost fond. 'always caring, aren't you?' before you could comprehend this and somehow answer, he continued: 'i just thought i- i feel like i gotta come clean cause i have this feeling that you're not- like, you're not... getting... the hints, you know?'

you paled at those words. not getting something is one of your biggest fears, not being smart, not being good enough- 'hints?' you asked in a small voice, trying your hardest not to overthink.

'see, this is what i'm talking about,' seungkwan shook his head and dread filled your body. 'i knew you had no idea, boys kept pestering me to just be direct, so here i am.' he took one look at you and sighed. 'even right now you don't get where i'm going with this, don't you?'

you hated bad news. god, you hated them with everything in you and only option was to run. 'i need to go,' you muttered, trying to come up with something, but lying never was a strong suit of yours. 'um, i gotta-'

'i like you.')

your eyes shot open at the sound of the knock. a tentative one at first, but then more firm. sick feeling at the pit of your stomach increased as your gut whispers who exactly is standing behind that door. you can pretend to be asleep. that's what you were going to do anyway, right? so it wouldn't be a lie. seungkwan calls out your name from the other side of the door and you sit up, shocked. why he's not on the lecture now? did something happen? before you can even process those thoughts you're up and opening the door, staring at seungkwan with worried eyes, looking him all over. physically he seems to be fine, but his face carries such a grim expression that you step back on instinct. 'can i come in?' he asks in a quite voice.

'sure,' you move automatically, closing the door behind him with trembling fingers.

god, he is here to confront you, isn't he? confrontation is something you always managed to avoid but it looks like there's no escaping this one now. seungkwan doesn't look angry, so you hope for the best. 'i came to apologize.'

these words make all the mindless and negative thoughts inside your head come to a halt. apologize? 'for what?' you ask, sincerely confused.

'i think i made you really uncomfortable with my whole 'i like you' thing,' he says, looking serious and dejected. 'that was not my intention.'

that's when you notice them. beautiful, white and green. seungkwan held flowers behind his back, hiding them like little kids do. it's an adorable sight, it swells your heart until it grows too big for your chest. your silence doesn't deter seungkwan as he goes on: 'i won't take my words back, i do like you. but i am sorry if i were too direct.'

ball's on your side and it'd be really good to say something right now. weirdly enough all thoughts - even the negative and mean ones, the ones that tear you down and make you feel worthless - fly out of your head and you can't concentrate on anything apart from those flowers. you were pretty sure that they were for you and just- no one ever gifted you flowers before. never. the urge to receive them, to hold them in your hands is so strong, it makes you blink and look up at seungkwan, only one question falling from your lips: 'you brought me flowers?'

seungkwan chokes on his words and wordlessly nods, quickly handing them to you. with awe and feeling like you're accepting something very important and big, you take the flowers from his hands, pulling them closer. they smell like spring rain, like the butterflies in your stomach, like all your hopes growing big. flower stems itch between your fingers but you don't mind it at all. 'i- these are not like 'i'm sorry' flowers, by the way. these are more 'i appreciate you' flowers.' you turn to seungkwan in surprise and he fumbles with words, getting shy. 'does that make sense? i mean, i'm not giving them to you so you'd forgive them, i wanted to give you flowers cause...'

he drifts off but you know what he wanted to say. cause it looks like you've never been given them before. and that would be the truth. you almost say it for him when he adds: 'cause i just wanted to. you do so much, you help me so much and i wanted to let you know that i appreciate it. i thought flowers would be good but now..' he scratches back of his neck unsurely. 'now it seems like a bad idea.'

you shake your head, unable to hide your smile. cause i just wanted to. what if... what if there's a tiny, super tiny chance that all of your thoughts shouting at you and calling you unworthy for him are not true? what if universe favors you, what if you are her favorite and she sent seungkwan for you specifically? 'you like me,' you say, not question. seungkwan looks surprised but nods nonetheless. and nods so confidently that your doubts start to crumble. 'why?'

it's not a question to get praise for an answer. you're not fishing for compliments and seungkwan knows it. he smiles, shaking your head. 'you are so attentive to everyone else but so blind for your own self, it actually is concerning,' he mutters quietly but you still hear him. seungkwan takes a breath: 'i like you because you are caring, and smart, and kind. and you always help me and others, and i don't know, you are funny and did i say kind already?'

this feels like a dream. you listen to him and he lists those things that are not about you, they can't be about you - it's more like seungkwan is describing himself. but he is not cruel, you remind yourself, and he is not a liar. seungkwan really does mean it all about you and your heart might burst from all the emotions.

'and i don't want to seem shallow and sound like i'm looking only at physicality, but i mean, appereance one you're reaaally easy on the eye-' he suddenly stops, alert. '- is everything okay?'

there's moisture on your cheeks and with a loud squeak you realize that you're crying. hurrying up to wipe the tears, you press flowers right up your face and their smell invades your nose. spring rain. butterflies in your stomach. hope. seungkwan looks mildly terrified and you take a steadying breath, trying to calm down. it's shameful to start crying from that but tears actually felt good. 'i was not lying,' he suddenly says, stepping closer. 'but i can stop if it's too much.'

seungkwan's so considerate that it makes your heart ache. 'i know you weren't lying,' you say just to put him at ease. 'sorry that i got so emotional-'

'no, don't apologize,' he interrupts, carefully reaching out to wipe few tears himself. 'you're feeling okay?'

you listen to yourself intently: are you okay? there's no war of anxiety vs logic happening inside, so you're experiencing any stress. it's actually rather rare for you to feel as peaceful as you do right now. 'i'm fine,' you hear yourself say and it's true. and then, making eye contact with seungkwan, you say in an unexpected wave of bravery: 'thank you. for flowers and those words. no one... no one ever said anything like this before. or gave me flowers.'

seungkwan's face is carefully blank but before you still noticed spark of surprise and bewilderment as if notion of no one giving you flowers or telling you these words seemed incomprehensible to him. 'i...' he starts, carefully eyeing you. 'i can help you like you help me.'

'help me with what?' you ask quietly already knowing the answer.

'to be kinder to yourself,' he responds. 'you'll see yourself through my eyes and that image will crush all the doubts you have in your head about yourself.'

maybe universe loves you in reality. because how else can you explain seungkwan's existence in your life? feeling this kind of peace is so rare for you and you crave that feeling all the time. what if seeing yourself from his eyes is exactly what you need?

'okay,' you breathe out before you can change your mind.

seungkwan lights up and nods. 'okay,' he agrees readily.

maybe seungkwan came right at the moment when you needed him the most. came with flowers that smell like spring rain, and butterflies in the stomach, and hope.

a/n: i wrote this down in one sitting and i'm sorry if this got too sad, but i hope by the end of it all of you are smiling. thank you for reading this! - nini

tagging @prpldahy

#seventeen imagine #seventeen fluff #seventeen reaction #seungkwan #seventeen seungkwan #boo seungkwan #seventeen boo seungkwan #svt seungkwan #seventeen #seventeen fic #seungkwan x reader #seungkwan scenarios #seungkwan au #you all deserve someone like seungkwan in your life!!!#this is not proof read by the way sorry for the mistakes

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leviathanspain · 1 year

Note

i just saw your guidelines , thank you!! sorry it flew right over my head, i appreciate you for directing me to the page when you responded :D

i have two ideas but you may choose which one interests you the most!! thank you again so much, i love your writing <3

would like a kylo ren x reader please, pronouns can be whatever you'd like but i prefer she/her. the point of view is up to you! i prefer second but i think you prefer third and/or first and i don't mind either or!

the first idea is kylo and y/n have been together for two years but it was kept within the first order and not public because kylo knew people (like the resistance) might use it against him. maybe during a fight between the first order and the resistance on a planet, y/n would get kidnapped by the resistance. this was finn's idea because he knows kylo has a significant other. what the resistance does with y/n is up to you, whether it be to lead kylo into some sort of trap, or to get information out of her, a mix of both... it's all up to you! finn knows that she's his only weakness. eventually kylo will save her. bonus points if she's in rough shape and in bad physical condition. kylo gets really upset because he thinks he’s doing a bad job keeping her safe and that he failed to protect her. angsty , self-loathing kylo but y/n trying to make him feel better.

the other idea has a bit of angst aspects as well but less action. it’s been about half a year or maybe even a year of kylo and y/n dating. everyone knows of his anger issues and tantrums. not even stormtroopers will want to be within 10 feet of him when he’s having an “episode”. the only person who would go up to him is y/n. one time kylo was so upset that he didn’t think before acting. when y/n went to calm him down he hurt her. nothing too physically harming , it hurt more emotionally than it did physically. maybe he yelled at her a lot and said things he didn’t mean , he could do anything. then she gets super upset and runs off to their shared quarters. he ends up finding her crying.

he’s never seen her cry or show weakness before.

you can pick one of the two!! thank you so much again and please , if these topics aren’t interesting , please tell me <3

stargirl

kylo ren x reader

synopsis: in your captivity, all you can think about is him, in love and in hate

a/n: anything in italics is a past memory, and i just combined the two into one, so i hope you like it!!

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

you had wondered when you’d be interrogated. it was inevitable, you had been through enough war and fighting to know that whenever someone was kidnapped and held captive, they would be interrogated.

you had done it before, multiple times.

you couldn’t say that you hated it. the only dark part of your morality let you love what you’ve done. of course, having the pleased eye of kylo ren staring at you was also the encouragement you needed whenever you felt doubts.

the door had opened unexpectedly, you could hear the woosh, and immediately you closed your eyes in anger, “what is it?” you heard the footsteps of heavy boots, most likely a trooper or a knight.

you turned around and saw the opposing figure of one of the knights of ren. you raised your eyebrow and the knight cleared their throat, “master ren has been acting strange,” again they cleared their throat, anxiety waved off of them, “he’s been..” they trailed off and you inhaled slightly.

the knight exhaled, their shoulders dropping with relief at your reaction. this was nothing new. kylo had his fits of rage or tantrums where he was practically inconsolable.

after working with him so closely and developing more than just a friendship, you were well versed in the game of calming down kylo.

you waved the knight away, “i will be right there.” the knight nodded, gave a respectful bow and walked off.

there was a loud slam against your cell that awoke you. the pathetic excuse for a blanket fell of your shoulders as you sat up, wiping your eyes as you heard the cell door creak open, “let’s go.” a hand came up to your arms and pulled you up onto your feet. you would protest, but you stayed silent, keeping a calm face. but the man’s fingers dug into your arm, making it hard for you not to cry out.

you were hauled out of the cell and practically dragged to another room, nearly as small as the cell, you were pushed inside, made to sit at one of the only two chairs in the room.

you looked around, there was no sign of the rest of the resistance members. perhaps they were hiding their prisoners away from the others, obviously on purpo-

“you can stop trying to figure out where everyone else is.” he was tall, a younger looking man, his face whispered familiarity.

he pulled the chair out opposite of yours and sat down carefully, his eyes grazing over your face. you looked at him, not willing to break eye contact.

he smiled hard, almost menacingly, “isn’t this odd? we’ve met, many times before..i know you, but you don’t know me..” he trailed off, “y/n.”

your name peeked your attention. hardly anyone outside of the order knew your first name. only kylo, a few officers, and the knights knew your true name. but you were always referred to as iza’re, or iza’re ren.

you narrowed your eyes at the man, “get to the point. what do you want from the first order?” you were getting bored, and if this is how it’s going to be, you needed to cut it short.

“you don’t know who i am?” the man looked surprised to see you so nonchalant. as if your true name was supposed to be the key to everything.

you shrugged again, leaning your elbows on the table, you got close to his face, “you say that like i’m supposed to care. i won’t repeat myself again,” you hissed, “what do you want from the first order?”

“get out. all of you!” kylo ren’s anger exhibited itself in his voice, a large hand outstretched itself towards the door, the metal door heaved open with the force and the rest of the troopers filed out, quickly as can be.

fn-2187 stared at kylo ren. even under his mask, he could just imagine his expression. fn-2187 knew that the moment you had walked in, that this wasn’t going to end well.

he followed the rest of the troopers out to the hallway. there was a large window that allowed people to see in, and fn-2187 had walked slow so that he could end up in front of the window.

“you need to calm down.” you had been talking to kylo through the force the entire way here. he was being stubborn, unresponsive to your usual tactics, you realized that maybe this wouldn’t be like other times.

“kylo.” you called his name, his back was turned to you and you were dying in the silence.

“why can’t you ever just stay out of it?” kylo turned around on his heel, the dark fabric of his cape followed him, and he began to stalk towards you, “hmm? why do you always think that you can save the day? you’re pathetic. a pathetic excuse for a force user, a pathetic excuse for a soldier of the first order..” he listed off all your weaknesses in a cruel list, “i cant stand to look at you. you make me fucking sick.” he had stopped you cold against the wall. even just arms length away from you, you could feel the rage, feel the truth to his feelings radiate off of him.

you wanted to cry. right then and there, you wanted to ball yourself up and sob on the floor.

but you scrunched your face slightly, as if not to lose the nerve, “find me when you’re done being an asshole.” you didn’t even look at him as you stalked past him, glancing at the open window towards the troopers, who were all facing away from the window.

except for one.

“what do you mean you ‘think’? we’ve been holding her for days and you’ve been in there for hours, and that’s what you’ve come up with?” poe had been overseeing the interrogation, and it was clear that it was going nowhere.

“threatening to blow up starkiller base would get us somewhere if we actually could.” poe rubbed his face, the feeling of a headache was coming on.

“why can’t we?” finn stared at poe, and poe laughed, realizing that finn was being serious.

“are you sure it’s her? it couldn’t be someone else? another trooper, perhaps?” poe looked at finn, who sighed, “she’s the only one i’ve ever seen that close to ren. it’s gotta be her.”

kylo hadn’t thought to apologize. but you had been ignoring him for days, even going as far as having stormtroopers deliver messages.

he had had enough when he had tried to talk to you through the force, and felt nothing in response.

“are you done?” the sound of the metal door opening had you turning your neck to see kylo ren, helmet off, hair dishelved, stalking in.

he set his helmet down on your dining table and kicked his shoes off, “i asked you something.” he stared down at you, his eyes searching you for something back.

“really?” you come in here after the way you talked to me a few days ago and expect us to be fine?” you looked up from your data log and stood up, “you yelled at me, tore me apart, called me pathetic many times over-“

“i’m sorry.” kylo interrupted you, and his face softened. this was utterly unlike him.

“what?” your own voice sounded distant and you blinked. a hand flew to your chest to feel the beating heart inside, “did you just-“

“yes. i am sorry.” kylo walked over to you, and watched as your face broke, tears spilling as you walked into his arms.

silence and the sounds of your sniffles filled the room. all that you ever wanted from him was an apology, and he had finally done it.

“i swear to you,” kylo broke the silence, the quiet was drowned out by his husky voice, “that i will never do that to you again.”

“and you caught them..?” poe’s eyebrows knitted together with confusion. his pilot uniform jacket hung on the chair beside him, as he paced the room, “let’s rewind,”

finn nodded, and poe sighed, “you were sent down to give her a message,”

“it had something to do with the knights.” finn had tried to remember what exactly the message was about but it had been nearly two years since then.

“and instead kylo ren answered the door?” poe repeated the events and finn nodded. “are you sure it wasn’t his quarters and you’re just an idiot?”

finn’s expression fell and he rolled his eyes, “stormtroopers are supposed to know. it was her quarters, her name was in a blazing plaque outside the door.”

a knock at the door had interrupted you. kylo had stripped off his clothes, leaving only the thick black sweatpants on, but even then, they hung dangerously low on him.

you, on the other hand, barely had anything on.

“fuck.” you cursed, and stuffed whatever shirt you could find off the floor. just by the scent of it, you knew it was kylo’s, but you still shrugged it on. you got off the bed, trying to find some shoes but kylo grabbed your arm, “i’ll get it.”

he was already getting up, and even with your protests, it was too late.

“master ren!” the robotic voice of a trooper met your ears and you cringed. troopers talked, and this was definitely something to talk about. there was an exchange of words between the trooper and kylo, until finally, “you are dismissed, fn-2187.”

“that’s kind of hot, no?” poe had been staring a little too long at the wall, clearly imagining what finn had described.

finn’s face turned into a picture of disgust, “there is something wrong with you.”

“iza’re to starkiller base. iza’re to base, does anyone copy?” you were falling, and fast.

the resistance had been chasing you for almost an hour. you had tried to lose them in some astroid graveyard but they were on your ass, until they shot your ship.

“fuck! someone! iza’re to base!” your hands clutched at the controls as you felt your chest rise and fall with fear.

kylo was right. you should have never gone off alone.

“kylo! im just off the astroid chunks by naboo.” just as you had finished telling your location, the ships power shut off, and you felt yourself blackout as the ship began to fall harder.

kylo had them playback your voice. over and over again.

the fear in your voice had been seared into his mind for days. he had tried to reach you over the force but was met with nothing. the usual thrum of your power would at least let him know you were alive. but he felt sick when he felt nothing.

“and no one heard this until when?” kylo looked around at the table filled with officers and military personnel. they all had this look of stupidity on their faces that made kylo want to knock them all out cold.

“this morning-“ a staff spoke up, “we believe she was taken by the resistance.”

kylo’s hands smashed against the table, “this morning?! find her!” he yelled at the officers. he raised his hands and suddenly they were all clutching at their throats, “find her now or i will murder every single one of you until someone does.”

“she’s loyal.” rey had observed, watching you through the glass, she wondered if you could see them all, gawking at you.

“of course she is. she’s sleeping with the supreme leader of the first order.” poe commented, rolling his eyes slightly, “i say we just lie.”

finn turned towards poe, “didn’t you just say that we shouldn’t lie? you got all mad-“

poe shrugged, “i was a different person then. say that ren is dead, and the first order is ashes-“

“oh like she’ll believe that-“ finn replied sarcastically. he had his hands on his hips and stared at you.

you were looking off into the distance, totally unaware of them on the other side staring at you.

“she’ll know. you said she’s a force user, correct?” rey peered at you and finn nodded, “yes. why?”

“she’ll know we’re lying. she probably also knows that we can see her,” you turned suddenly, meeting their eyes, “-right through this glass..” rey trailed off, and poe whistled lowly.

“wow. this is embarrassing…” poe laughed nervously. finn laughed, patting his friends shoulder as he walked off.

kylo was close. he hadn’t realized until now that it was the distance muffling your power. he could feel you, a quiet thrum in his head, he knew you were close.

“kill anything and everyone. i don’t care- just get her out alive.” his instructions were incredibly clear to the knights and troopers. he wanted you more than he wanted the resistance gone.

“so..” he had been trying to get you to talk for almost thirty minutes now. unlike his friend, this one seemed to be a little dull. “what’s between you and ren?”

you raised your head, and narrowed your gaze, “you mean my superior, the supreme leader kylo ren?” you were so serious that poe had to think about it before nodding weakly.

“nothing. bring me the trooper. fn-2187, is it? at least he knew what kind of questions to ask..” you waved a hand, dismissively towards the man and turned away, hoping he would leave.

“oh my god.” poe let the words escape as he shut the door behind him, “i don’t know what he sees in her-“ he looked at finn, “she’s asking for you. like specifically for you.” he raised his eyebrows at finn, who laughed in shock.

rey looked at the men, “don’t tell me you’re going to go in there.” she held up a hand to finn and he shrugged, “what else should we do?”

rey sighed, “give her up? she’s clearly nobody to ren, maybe finn was wrong.”

kylo ren had blown up half of the resistance base. he had felt nothing as he did so, and nothing more as he stepped off his ship, and hauled ass to wherever the hell you were.

he tried to use his own force powers to try and locate you, cutting down anyone that tried to fight him.

but it was worth nothing. nothing drove kylo ren more than you, and he would find you even if it killed him.

the argument between poe and finn had barely lasted before the emergency alarm had gone off. shouts echoed down the hall and they all began to run.

troopers were all over the place, blasters were shooting at everyone and they knew this was kylo.

“maybe finn was right..” rey looked at the men with a sheepish smile, and finn rolled his eyes, “get down!” he shouted at rey, who just barely ducked the blast that was shot towards her.

“if it’s him then shouldn’t someone go fend him off?” finn stared at poe and rey, as if waiting for one of them to volunteer.

poe shrugged, “i don’t think she’s worth it. barely talked.” finn didn’t even bother arguing when rey began to agree.

you could hear the sounds of a fight through the door. you couldn’t see through the glass window, but you could just imagine it.

the door opened and you half expected to see one of the two guys who had been interrogating you. but instead there he was.

wearing his usual all black, kylo cut down the room and immediately opened his arms, pulling you into them. “y/n..oh y/n.” there was a sigh of relief as you wrapped your arms around him.

you were crying.

this entire time you had forced yourself not to cry, not to show emotion. perhaps you had saved it for this moment. “kylo.” his name rolled off your tongue, “im sorry.”

kylo shook his head, “don’t. it’s all my fault. i should’ve just gone out there with you.” he scolded himself, shaking his head as he thought back to what he could’ve done.

“no. don’t. you always do that, you take responsibility for a decision i made.” you hugged him even tighter, “don’t. okay. just don’t.”

kylo didn’t even protest, he just held you all the more tighter in his arms.

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nebula-blitzar · 7 months

Text

Just kinda in the mood to post this so like

There’s a lot of rumors and speculations on how Fizz and Oz met and when so I thought I would share my personal theory.

I think when the incident first occurred, Mam freaked the fuck out because he had just signed a contract, had been doing work for him on the side, and made him lots of money. So Mam calls up Oz and asks him for prosthetics for cheap. They were decent quality (especially for the price,) and Oz had written instructions and stuck them to the prosthetics so Mam would see them. Mam, being the lazy ass he is, threw them away and just gave Fizz the prosthetics, with no guidance on how to use them.

Now Fizz was further indebted to Mammon, so he couldn’t really leave. He worked full time for him, and was still paid as much as he needed to get by (decent apartment, food). At some point along this timeline, Mam also had Asmodeus make the Fizz-bots, which lightened the load. But Fizz’s performances became more intense, and further put stress on him.

I do want to note I have a theory that imps with irises (all the time) have chronic anxiety or other problems. Since other imps’ irises only appear when they’re upset in some way, shape, or form. So that would be Barb, Blitzø, and Fizz. Cash didn’t have irises, but Tilla did, and since she was sick and shit, it kinda makes sense.

So with all of this stuff happening to Fizz and around Fizz with no one to help him, he had worsened anxiety. But he kept performing since he felt so indebted to Mammon. Around the four and a quarter year mark, Fizz started to feel some pain where his limbs were attached to his body. So he asked Mammon. Mam, being the asshole he is, said no, obviously, so he just kinda..kept performing through the pain.

Since the pain was persistent enough to get in the way of Fizz’s performances, he kept asking Mammon. Finally, Mam let him go do it so he would shut up about it. So Fizz and Oz finally got to meet in person, and they learned the problem was basically some pretty severe friction burns from not wearing them properly (y’know since Mam threw the instructions away) and so Oz was pissed about Mammon not listening to him (as always) and wanted to call him to give him a piece of his mind.

Fizz stops him, saying it’s a bad idea, and that Fizz will get in more trouble, so he doesn’t call Mam.

Then Fizz leaves, and Oz goes back to work, but not without texting Bee asking if they can meet up (if you don’t hc Bee and Ozzie as friends we can’t be friends/j) sometime soon. Bee is obviously like totes dude and a few days later, they meet up.

Oz asked to hang out to consult Bee on the fact he kinda had a crush on Fizz, Bee is super excited (duh) and is like tell me everything they talk more and come to the conclusion Oz has a genuine crush, and him and Fizz should talk more.

Oz doesn’t want to be awkward and text Fizz just to talk, but lucky for him, a few weeks later, Fizz applies for a job application at Ozzie’s, cause he wants to be able to afford some luxuries, and for that he needs more money, and Mammons not gonna give him a pay raise. Since Fizz actually is a really good fit for the job, he gets it.

Anyway the pair get really close both business wise and friend wise, and Fizz does more shifts at Ozzie’s. Mam isn’t actually that mad since he has the Fizz-Bots to perform, advertise and sell.

At some point near the five year mark, the pair kiss, and while both sides enjoy it, it keeps both of them up late. So the next day after Ozzie’s closes they talk it out and end up accidentally confessing their feeling to each other.

So yeah that’s first meeting, how they got together, and why they got to know each other. I am writing a fanfic about this in more detail, and this is probably not the last time I mention this theory, so stay tuned!

Ps thanks for reading this long ass rant lol

#helluva boss #helluva boss mammon #helluva boss asmodeus #fizzarolli #fizzmodeus #fizzarozzie #fan theory #i dont support anything bad vivzie has done #helluva boss beelzebub

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narcissosbythepool · 1 year

Text

[A little gazprice omegaverse (omega!price, alpha!gaz, mention of omega!soap) draft, i'll prob make it into a thing later but here's what i have for now]

Omega Price hasn't had his heat in years – not something he's been keen to do. Maybe it's also some remnant of a bygone era where omegas were shunned in the military, perhaps Price is just extremely private person, maybe he doesn't just like heats much.

But suddenly, a mission goes on longer than expected and he runs out of suppressant pills

And the heat hits hard.

So Price and Gaz are on the mission together, they're behing enemy lines and they get stuck. Price looks at his pill stock and is like :) well shit. 141 knows Price is an omega but it's kind of a need-to-know thing, so he's the only one who keeps stock of his suppressants AND he doesn't go to regular health checks (he can go around them as CO).

Going years without a heat is Very Bad for an omega's health, and the next heat will be The Mother of Heats so it's not recommended. So the med stock starts to dwindle and Price doesn't tell Gaz, starts just taking half a pill per day.

Gaz picks up on it, the sweet scent of an omega in preheat, and he's surprised, didn't realize that Price could just... lower his guard like this around Gaz, not use his blockers or suppressants.

Until Price's nervous behaviour starts cluing him in that this is a bad situation.

They finally reach a safehouse but Price is about to have his heat any day now and Laswell can't promise them an exfil any time soon, though she promises to try her best. Price's pheromones will start attracting attention if the heat hits full force and they're both nervous as shit about it.

Add to this a dormant but ever-present pining situation... Gaz and Pricr have been into each other for a while but there are so many barriers: their rank and the power imbalance, Price's protectiveness of his omega identity, the age gap (that Gaz doesn't mind one bit tho, he likes older men), and also just prioritizing their friendship above all else – not to mention how damn compromised they'd be if they bonded. Could Price send his lover on the battlefield to risk his life? Would he be able to stay objective? Neither of them is entirely sure.

But Price starts displaying some signs of a distressed omega, frustrated at himself and the situation and Gaz's scent driving him insane.

It takes a few days of being stuck in close quarters, until Gaz finally breaks their waiting game.

"Sir... I don't want to be disrespectful."

"Try me, Sergeant." Be real fucking careful now, Price's tone says.

"Would it... would it help if I scented you? I hear... or Soap says at least, that it helps ease the symptoms." Gaz swallows. "My scent could cover yours. If something goes wrong."

Neither of them miss the rising scent of arousal in the room. They don't even know which one of them it's coming from. Maybe both.

The idea isn't bad – it would make sense to cover Price's scent with an alpha's, and it might ease Price's anxiety, perhaps prolonging the beginning of the heat.

Price would like to drag Gaz to the bed he's claimed for himself, wants Gaz's weight on him, wants him close, but this isn't the time to make bad decisions, and so they kind of stand there, awkwardly facing each other until Price opens his arms and Gaz's one hand finds his hip, the other his neck. Gaz pushes his nose against Price's scent gland, inhales the strong scent and revels in it, until Price grunts impatiently and Gaz starts scenting him for real.

And then they just. Stand there. Practically embracing each other. Enjoying each other's scents and the indulgence after months of pining.

Months? Maybe even years.

In the following days Gaz starts scenting him every few hours and Price's heat, while still steadily approaching, isn't going as haywire as in the beginning.

One night Price is restless, tossing and turning and so clearly frustrated that it's keeping Gaz awake.

Until finally it stops. Gaz turns to look. Price is looking at him.

"Kyle," he starts, and Gaz's stomach twists a little. "Would you... no, I can't ask that of you."

"Try me, Captain."

Price stalls for a moment and then finally sits up, looking somehow lost and years younger.

"I feel so damn empty. I need... a touch. To be taken care of." He grimaces. "I hate heats. Too dependent on others."

"Sir?"

"If you don't mind. Could you come here?"

Price lifts his blanket a little, makes space next to him on the narrow bed.

Gaz is frozen for a second and then gets up, crosses the room, and sits down.

"How do you want me, Cap?"

Price's eyes get a teasing glint in them.

"Now that's a bit forward, eh?"

"Sir..." Gaz mumbles, embarrassed.

Price lies down and turns his back to Gaz. If it weren't dark in the room, Gaz wonders if he would see a blush, the tips of his ears red.

"C'mon Garrick. You can figure it out."

He sure can.

Gaz settles down and turns to his side, lifting his arm over Price's side and pulling him close, burying his face in Price's neck and inhaling his scent, exuding his own calming scent, and feels how Price relaxes in his hold.

[That's all I have for now! Maybe i'll write some more later]

#cod #pricegaz #omegaverse #narcissosbythepool #my favourite thing w these two seems to be the whole 'if we get together the chain of command will be compromised'#it's just juicy idk i enjoy it lol #call of duty

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 11 months

Note

AITA for not talking to my childhood friend after she falsely accused me of trash talking her?

I (16F) have been friends with Jane (16F) since 4th grade. We've been pretty close, and even our moms have been good friends.

Now, Jane has had some bad experiences with past friendships which causes her to automatically assume the worst in people and misinterpret what people say to her. This only increased over covid when we briefly lost touch due to online schooling and our classes being shuffled. She was medically diagnosed with anxiety last year as well.

This year, I've already heard a shit ton of rants about my other friends and how everyone is mean to her. This seems a little exaggerated to me, but I never tell her so and instead always patiently hear her out. I try to be supportive, but sometimes the things she tells me sound outright ridiculous.

An example of this is an experience she supposedly had with my friend Raya (16F) who is also in our class. According to her, Raya challenged her friendship with me and passed mean comments about her. This seemed quite out of character to me since Raya is a total introvert and struggles to make conversation with anyone, let alone bullying people. (I later learnt she actually brought the topic of our friendship up to strike conversation with Jane and try to befriend her since I am their common link)

All of these accounts on Jane's part felt suspicious to me, which I did not express, but left alone, knowing she was probably just misinterpreting others' words. However, I did often wonder if Jane ever made up such incidents about me and shared them with any of her other close friends. This was another sentiment I ignored.

Recently, I came back home to a very angry mother. Upon asking why she was mad, I found out that Jane had cried to her mom after school saying that she overheard me say mean things about her to my classmates. I had not done any such thing, so I obviously denied the allegations.

When I asked what exactly I had done, details were given to me sparingly. Not only was I unaware of what I said to cause such a reaction in Jane, but also she had posted about it online. Though she had not taken my name in the posts, I felt very attacked considering the circumstances.

My mother kept insisting I go talk to her, but I found it unreasonable to "patch up things with her" when I had never done anything wrong to begin with. I'm kept in the dark about whatever possible misunderstanding could've happened and I'm just supposed to go talk about it when she didn't have the guts to even specify what I did?

I didn't talk to her for around 5 days following this incident. Today Jane came up to me trying to "get over it" saying she missed me, still refusing to tell me what I'd even done. I've acted friendly so far, and I've tried to cooperate with her mental issues, but this whole situation is making me rethink our friendship. She's pretending that nothing happened, but the whole ordeal makes me wanna distance myself from her.

Sorry if I missed any details, it's a quarter past midnight and I am very sleep deprived.

tl;dr my childhood friend with anxiety accused me of trash talking her and refused to elaborate when I asked about it, so I just ignored her for a few days

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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universeofdreams · 1 year

Text

Stupid Sunshine

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Shuri Udaku x Fem!Reader

Genre: Angst, Fluff and also kind romantic

Warnings: Mention of T'Challa's death, slight depression, anxiety and panic

Wordcount: 1470

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Summary: At T'Challa's funeral Shuri realized how serious it was and it gave you a ton of flashbacks. You take care of her during her panic and a mental breakdown PLUS you do her hair.

A/n: Be prepared for a little pain, hrhr. Idk, I'm a sucker for Shuri lately and I'm so grateful that I know at least a little that is needed for stories about her, thanks to my girlfriend atp.

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She cried her heart out, one hand of her mother on her right arm and another hand on her left arm which belonged to her dear lover.

Neither Ramonda nor you were able to speak and so you had to guide Shuri through this mental breakdown without words. Tears rolled over her cheeks like the rivers flow through Wakanda and they weren’t stopping.

Heavy sobs came from her mouth and her hands were folded in front of her, crying for her brother and for dear Bast.

Her sobs were heart-breaking, you couldn’t deny it.

Even though you had a hand on her, she felt her knees buckle and while the casket of T’Challa got lifted up into a jet, her legs went numb and she fell to the ground, heavily crying and burying her face in the dirt beneath her.

Today was the day she was finally able to show people how much she’s hurting without her brother, that something took him from her and her heart is breaking every day a little more.

Until this day her nights were full of bad dreams, nightmares and sleep paralysis and every time she closed her eyes, she saw him.

His wide smile and how he called her Sisi all the time, his voice echoed through her head all the time.

There were nights where she would rip her hair out in fear of falling asleep.

Or nights where she would stay in the lab for 72 hours straight, only caffein, even no food.

You were worried, the hell were you worried.

You clenched your jaw when thinking of that memory, months ago.

She was on her way to her room, told everyone that she would go to sleep. That she tried to choke herself during a paralysis right in the moment you walked through the door of her quarters wasn’t a plan.

You had those dreams once too and yet you didn’t know how to wake her. The only idea was sitting next to her, gripping her hand tightly and putting it on your thigh and away from her own throat.

You gently stroke her hair, played with the coils that hung slightly in her face, slightly wet from her excessive sweating.

A silent “No. No.” escaped from her lips while she tugged on your thigh and gasped for air.

“I’m sorry!” she whispered, started crying and that was the moment you knew-

“Shuri.”

You called out and grabbed her by the waist to turn her around.

Didn’t wake her up.

“Hey Shuri, I’m here.”

You shook her.

Didn’t wake her up.

The last idea contained a splash of water so you hurried to the bathroom, drenched a washing cloth in the cold wetness, returned to the princess and wrung out the cloth just above her face. The contact with the cold water woke her up and she shot up from laying into a sitting position.

Those tears were still in her eyes and the dried streaks of the ones she shed reflected the light off of her gorgeous skin.

The way she held eye-contact with you, so intense, so right in front of her safety-wall crumbling that you had goosebumps.

She’s broken right now and in this moment, there was no energy left for her to hide it. You offered a hug and she gladly took it, snuggling close to you and wrapping her arms around you.

“I’m here. It’s okay usana, I’m here.”

She only sniffled and shifted closer to you.

And now she was laying in front of you, crying her heart out while everyone around her celebrated. You kneeled down next to her and did the exact same thing you did back then, that night.

Gentle strokes over her head and her face while she could feel your knee on her back.

“Sthandwa sami, I’m here. Look at me.”

Your words slowly sunk into her mind and she turned around to take a look at you, almost the same expression on her face like back then.

Slow nods.

You held out your hand for her to take and once again she gladly took it and sat back up, thanks to your support.

“Let us go home, please” she pleaded and didn’t let go of your hand with which you pulled her up, into your arms. “You able to walk, love?” Your voice wasn’t more than a whisper and if she wouldn’t be next to you, she probably would’ve missed it but you didn’t want others to really hear your conversations.

She didn’t like it when others saw her “weak side”, that’s what she told you long ago. Another nod and a tight grip on your arm showed you that she indeed was ready to walk back to the palace, avoiding bigger crowds.

When the two of you arrived you pulled her up into you and carried her the few steps up into her rooms. After arriving there, you searched for some more comfortable clothes than the formal dress she was wearing right now.

When you were done looking into her closet you decided on a loose top and some shorts which you placed on her bed and helped her out of the white fabric.

You could’ve taken a look at her beautiful, naked skin but in that state you didn’t. Placing a soft kiss on Shuri’s shoulder and rubbing her arms, you brought her into the bathroom and prepared a cozy and warm bath for her with bubbles and a nice massage.

She leaned back and started feeling at ease when you undid her cornrows, started shampooing and massaging her scalp and detangling her hair as those words slipped past her lips.

“Am I being too sensitive?”

You were shook, once again.

“No, you’re not. I know your heart hurts and there’s nothing to make this feeling go away.”

You tried to reassure her to which she nodded.

“Now everyone always belittles me after he left.”

“I don’t think it’s because they want to be rude, I just think that people want to give you the time to heal, show you they’re okay with you not always being happy.”

She sighed. “Sounds logical.”

The conversation ended and you rinsed her hair, applied some leave-in conditioner and twisted it, you passed her the shorts and top for her to hop into. After searching and finding her bonnet you grabbed some water from the nightstand and passed her the glass.

“You cried, your body needs hydration, usana.” You explained and for the first time this evening – she chuckled.

“You’re right.” And drank the entire glass in one sip.

While you took the glass and went to set it aside on a dresser, Shuri started talking, more than then whole entire day.

“Why don’t you think I’m weak? You took care of me the whole time, I think if I were in your position I’d be so damn annoyed-“

And you laughed at her words.

“Shuri-“ You cupped her face.

“You’re so- so, so stupid, sunshine.”

And then a look of confusion plastered her face.

“What?”

“You always think the worst of yourself. But the fact that you couldn’t stand all these things without at least a bit of mental support stands stronger than your opinion.” You laughed so hard that your hair bounced from side to side.

“You’re so precious. Also I promised your mother and your brother to take good care of you.”

Redness appeared on Shuri’s face due to the compliment when she admired her hair in the mirror.

“Ngiyakuthanda” she said and touched her hair curiously. (I love you)

“But I’m tired.” The girl smiled and her back touched the soft mattress but also looked at you desperately.

“Join me, sthandwa. Please.”

And those beautiful brown eyes shone bright, those eyes that you could never deny the even smallest wish. So you went and lay down next to her while she cuddle up to your side, resting her face in the crook of your neck.

With heavy breathes she took in your scent and played with the brim of your shirt until she

- for the first time –

drifted off into a peaceful slumber and her snoring later on made you fall asleep too.

It was the first night for Shuri without any nightmares.

You loved the genius and there was yet nothing that would make you care less for her. Every day and every night she fights her own demons and still keeps her head up most of the time, there was no way you couldn’t love her. She is everything people look for in partners and here you were, having the most amazing girl by your side that could exist. You pecked her forehead for the last time that night, wrapped your arms around her and let her take a full cycle of sleep.

#letitia wright x reader #shuri udaku #shuri x fem!reader #shuri x reader #wakanda forever #black panther #black panther wakanda forever

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multifandom-simp-page · 2 years

Text

Just A Nightmare

Pairing: Cal Kestis x Fem!Reader

Word count: 3.2K

Summary/request: Reader has some trauma from recent empire reconditioning that she is scared to face, but Cal is determined to help her through it

Warnings: Angst, PTSD, nightmares, mentions of torture, mentions of blood, problem avoidance, contention, mentions of scars, mentions of being shot. I think that’s all?

This is a request from my friend, so here you go girly, please excuse any grammar or spelling mistakes l hate English.

You stared at the woman opposing you so close that you could easily reach out and touch her. She had a wicked grin and a shiver ran down your spine, her bright yellow iris’ felt as though they stared directly into your soul. The woman was you.

A bone-chilling cackle rang out into the void around you and she leaned in close to your face, whispering a mere few words under her breath that made your heart drop to your stomach.

“You can’t keep me away forever Y/N”

Your eyes shot open with a start as your breath heaved from your lungs, you sat up in bed and placed a palm over your racing heart. You slid your legs over the side of your bed and leaned your elbows on them, dragging your hands over your face as you tried to calm your acute nerves. It was just a dream, it's okay, we escaped, she can’t get us anymore. You said under your breath as though trying to make yourself believe it.

You inhaled sharply as you heard your blast door open to be met with a worried elder Jedi “You alright Y/N? Could hear you tossing and turning from the kitchen” she asked quietly as she leaned on the doorframe, crossing her arms. You huffed out a breath as you looked at your hands, picking up the dirt you’d accumulated under your nails from your earlier adventure.

“Uhm yeah, just a bad dream I guess,” You looked up and gave her a weak smile, and she gave you one in return, you saw her glance at the sleeping night sister in the bed across from yours and motioned for you to follow her before turning and walking back down the hall of the Mantis. You stood and stretched your sore aching muscles and walked out of your shared quarters then down the hall following Cere.

There was a dull pain in your thigh from where you had gotten shot earlier that burned while you walked, Cal had given you one of BDs stims after the encounter but the pain still lingered underneath the pink scar.

You fell onto the plush couch in front of the holotable and rested your chin on your hand while rubbing over your sore thigh with the other. You looked out of the open Mantis door to see Bongano, they must’ve wanted to get off Zeffo after your and Cal’s encounter with that Inquisitor sister. You sighed as cere set a cup of some steaming beverage in front of you and then sat across from you with her own drink.

You felt her eyes on you as you sipped the drink, you finally looked up and sighed. “Just say whatever you wanna say Cere,” You said and she laughed under her breath looking out at a bogling playing in the mud.

She chuckled under her breath and sipped her drink again. “I was wondering about your exploring yesterday, Cal was brutally vague when I asked about it after he left you in your room,” She asked and your jaw clenched at the mention.

“It was pretty good until the Inquisitor showed up, she was really annoying,” you said nonchalantly, as though she didn’t almost trigger a full-blown anxiety attack for you.

Cere rolled her eyes and set her cup down to fold her hands together on the table “And you don’t think she might’ve caused your nightmare last night?” She asked hesitantly, knowing what it was like to go into the inquisitors reconditioning.

You shot her a glare “Cere stop. We’ve been over this-” You were going to continue but you heard a blast door open. You looked over to see Merrin yawning as she walked down the hall, reminded that other people also were on the Mantis you closed your mouth. Merrin smiled as Cere scooted over to give her room next to her, she happily sat and smiled at you.

“Morning Merrin,” you said curtly and returned her smile.

She yawned again “Morning, Cal gone out already?” She looked to Cere, whom nodded. “And I assume Greez is sleeping?” She inquired as you gulped down the rest of your drink.

Cere shook her head, “Actually he's outside, doing maintenance on the Mantis, said something about how we’re ‘gonna be the death of him with all this adventurin’” She quoted him and they both laughed, you stood up and smiled at them both.

“Well If Cal’s gone out already I should go get some training in, would hate to have him show me up next time we spar,” you commented before excusing yourself to your room to get dressed.

As you pulled on your shirt you heard a knock on the door, you looked over and made sure your shirt was on properly before speaking “Come in!” You said as you grabbed your lightsabre and clicked it on your belt, you heard the blast door open and looked over to see Merrin standing in the doorway.

You smiled as you sat down on your bed to pull on some boots. “Hey Merrin, what's up?” She stepped into the room and walked to sit on her bed across from you.

She sighed and you looked up at her, raising your eyebrow “Are you doing okay?” She asked nervously, as though she wasn’t allowed to know. “I know you didn’t sleep well last night,” she said and you smiled at her.

“Yeah, but it's alright, it was just a nightmare, nothing I can’t handle,” You slapped your hands on your knees and stood up “I'm sorry if I kept you up last night, and for making you worry” You smiled and she nodded before you left, walking back into the main room of the Mantis to find Cere still sitting where you last saw her.

“Y/N please-” She started when she saw you but you hurriedly started walking down the ramp into Bogano’s warm humid air.

“No Cere. I don’t wanna hear it” You spoke sternly as you heard her get up to follow you.

She huffed as you stepped into the mud and she stopped at the top of the ramp, “Okay I get that, but Y/N please will you at least talk to Cal? He’s worried about you too, he told me you’ve been pulling away from the force since he came and rescued us from Nur” She pleaded to you as you continued walking away, refraining from answering her.

When you were out of the Mantis’ view you stopped and sighed, lifting your hand to run it over your face. You pulled your hand away and looked down at your arms, you ran your other hand over the small pink scars that crawled down your arm like lightning. You shivered at the vivid memory of the feeling of being strapped to that cold chair. Feeling your body light on fire as the Second Sister instructed a droid to electrocute you every time you didn’t answer a question to her liking.

As much as you hated it you knew Cere was right. You had been pulling away from the force since then, refraining from using your lightsabre unless absolutely necessary as well, which Cal had often pestered you about when you ended up in a tight situation. You knawed on your lip as you thought about how close you were to breaking, to abandoning everything you had been raised with just to stop the pain.

Tears pricked your eyes as you thought of what Cal might think of your confession, he would probably get upset and talk some nonsense about how terrible they are. You felt dizzy as the thoughts overwhelmed you, so you sat down unceremoniously and crossed your legs, before resting your head in your hands and trying to calm your breathing.

You huffed as you looked up to see a bogling scampering by and you smiled at the peace, you flexed your hand and sighed, ‘maybe I should meditate’ the thought flashed through your mind and you felt a tightness in your stomach. You knew you should, but It terrified you, the thought of having to face the memories, the darkness that threatened to consume you whole.

You bit down on the inside of your cheek and placed your palms on your knees, remembering your padawan days when your master would make you sit for hours trying to teach you the art of force meditation. You almost laughed, you could practically hear the pestering motherly tone she used whenever you complained that you were going to fall asleep if you sat there any longer.

You inhaled deeply, smelling the fresh soil around you. The smell reminded you of Cal, he always smelled like some mix of dirt, grease, and sweat with all the adventures he found himself on. You felt warmth bloom in your chest as you recounted all the time you spent together since Prauf introduced you to him on Bracca. All the trauma you helped him get through, and what he had helped you with in turn.

You remembered how tentative he was to you that first night out of the facility, letting you stay in his room with him after not wanting to say alone in your room, seeing as how Greez and Merrin were on a run into a market for some supplies for the coming days.

Images of the cold barren room flashed through your mind, causing your jaw and fists to clench. You could vividly recall the cold metal clamps holding you down as you thrashed against the empire's torture device. The feeling of your throat being so raw you could taste blood, and despite that fact, your screams and cries would still pierce through the air and echo around you. You shivered, falling into the memory.

Pain. The burning sensation in every fiber of your being was the only thing you could think about. You knew you were screaming, you couldn’t hear it because of how loud your ears were ringing. But you could feel it. Your body thrashed against the device that held you down and sent violent shockwaves through your veins. You felt your chest heave as the pain subsided momentarily, and you heard the click of boots as someone paced in front of you.

“Now, are you going to comply yet?” You heard the second sister sneer at you. A cough racked through you as you opened your eyes to the blinding light above you, you felt a coppery taste pool in the back of your mouth as you met the inquisitor's eyes, she stepped forward with a raised eyebrow.

You choked out another cough and glared at her, “Go to hell” you retorted and spit a mixture of blood and saliva on the floor in front of her, she looked at the floor in front of her with a neutral expression, then back at you with a slight grin.

“Very well, have it your way,” She said and turned on her heel, you didn’t get to watch her walk out the door before you were once again overcome with the all encompassing feeling of electricity coursing through you.

You were pulled from the memory state when a hand grazed over your shoulder, your body moved before your brain could even comprehend what happened. In the span of about 10 seconds, you went from sitting to kneeling over someone's back with their hand pinned against their lower spine.

You only seemed to realize it was Cal when BD jumped up on your shoulder and started beeping at you so fast you couldn’t understand him. You gasped and quickly clambered off of the ginger and started spewing words of apology.

He sat up and laughed wiping mud off his hands and smiling sheepishly at you “Kriff If I’d known you were gonna do that I wouldn’t have tried to sneak up on you Y/N” he chuckled and watched as BD crawled off your shoulder and into your lap. “What are you doing out here anyway?” He asked with a soft smile playing on his lips.

You looked down at the droid in your lap and chewed on your lip “Just… thinking,” you said softly, and BD booped at you.

Cal ducked down slightly to see your face and frowned “You should talk about it y’know,” He reached out and grabbed your hand from where it lay on your knee, he clasped your fingers in one hand and used his other to trace over the small scars you’d acquired through the years.

You watched his calloused fingers brush delicately over your knuckles and then upwards over the new pink scars that dragged horizontally over your wrist and upper arm, and then traced back down on the vein-like scars that webbed down your forearm. A permanent reminder of how much they broke you.

You sniffled as he kissed gingerly at your knuckles and looked up at you with a soft smile. “I know you hate looking at your scars, especially the ones from Nur. But they just show how strong you are, you survived and these show that” he said and lifted both his hand to place them on your face and pulled you to look at him.

You laughed softly when you saw the determined look on his face to bring you out of the shell the empire had shoved you into. The look of pure love and admiration had you melting and you sighed, sniffling again. You felt guilty for being this way, you were supposed to be the strong one, the rock that grounded everyone around you. But now you just felt like a child, like you wanted to curl up in a corner and disappear from reality.

You couldn’t be the rock anymore, and you didn’t know if you could make it past whatever this was. This was unlike anything you’d ever done before, even when you were alone after the purge and had to survive on your own. This threatened to consume you whole. You placed your hands on Cal’s wrists as you felt his thumbs lightly brush over your cheeks. Tears began to spill down your cheeks as you had to tear your gaze away from his. Instead, choosing to look down at your lap where BD stared back up at you, if droids could look sad then the way BD stared at you now would be the way to describe it.

You choked out a sob as Cal shifted closer to you, pulling you into a warm embrace as BD scampered off your lap. Your hands balled into the fabric of his poncho at his sides as you rested your head on his chest. His arms wrapped around you, one of his hands on your lower back to secure you against him while the other cradled the back of your head. He placed soft kisses in your hair and allowed you to cry.

He knew that things changed after Nur, he would be an idiot not to, but he also knew that your coping skills weren’t working and that the longer you waited to face the problem the worst it would become. He also knew that it was wrong to push you when you weren’t ready and that you would come to terms with it when you felt prepared. He's just glad he found you before you realized you couldn’t hold on to the false sense of peace anymore.

You suddenly pulled away and looked up at him with teary eyes, you sniffled and started spewing nonsense “I'm sorry Cal- I thought I could handle it- a-and I-” you ranted, but he shushed you and he smiled sweetly, pulling the hand from behind your head to wipe stray tears off your cheek.

“It's okay, you’re okay. I understand, and I’m here for you alright?” He spoke softly and placed a gentle kiss on your forehead. You nodded and wrapped your arms around his neck playing with the collar of his poncho and the hairs at the base of his neck. You looked up at him to see him already watching you, with a small smile tugging on his lips. You couldn’t help but chuckle at the look on his face, his hair awry and muddy, the flecks of dirt littering his face, and best of all the infatuated look on his face.

He couldn’t help but join in your contagious laughter even though a confused expression crossed his features “What!?” He cried out in laughter as you pulled him close to you again. His brows furrowed as he looked at the droid who stood idly by, who just beeped at him in similar confusion.

“Nothing!” You hummed as you turned your head to look at BD as well, “Your just a dork Cal” you said and squeezed his midsection, you both laughed as he pulled your face back and smiled mischievously before leaning backward to lay down and pulling you with him in the mud. You squealed as he wrapped his legs around your waist to keep you pinned against him to pepper your face with kisses.

“Yeah but I'm your dork!” He cheered as you tried to push him away. BD-1 paced around and beeped furiously, clearly not understanding what was happening. Your fit of laughter died down as you fell limp against Cal’s chest your ear resting over his heart, your eyes falling closed as he lulled you into a calm peace. His hand lightly rubbed up and down your back reassuringly and his heartbeat reminded you that he was here this time. That you didn’t have to do the hard things alone anymore.

You turned your head to look up at him and smiled, seeing him look at the soft blue of Bogano’s sky. You smiled, lifting your hand to trace softly over his face, his eyes falling shut as your index finger ran over the scar across the bridge of his nose.

You sighed and leaned down to place a kiss on his collarbone, and smiled letting out a soft “thank you Cal, I needed this,” You weren’t quite sure if he heard you at first, but when his hand on your back stopped its motions and squeezed you against him, you knew he heard you.

His eyes opened slightly to smile at you once more, “I know” he said smugly and you sat up shoving off his chest and making him jump with a roll of your eyes.

“Oh shut it you” You slid off him as you both started in a fit of laughter, his laughter died down as he sat up to give you puppy eyes. You don’t think you’ve ever rolled your eyes so hard in your life, but knowing exactly what he wanted you still leaned over to place a sweet kiss on his lips anyway. Your troubles fell into the background for the moment as you bathed in the radiance of Cal’s pure joy. You figured that those nightmares wouldn’t bother you again for a while, and if they did, you were sure your favorite Jedi would jump in to return the light to your soul.

Damn, of course Cere was right, she always was.

Hello! I hope you enjoyed it! And thanks so much to everyone who made requests I will get them posted ASAP! Have a blessed day or night, dear readers!

#cal kestis x reader #x reader #hurt/comfort #angst with a happy ending #jedi!reader #ptsd #empire trauma #personal request #TW blood #TW scars #star wars #star wars jedi fallen order #cere junda #greez dritus #nightsister merrin #BD-1 #fem!reader #trilla suduri

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jungkookslipring · 1 year

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“I Can’t Sleep”

TW: mentions of depression, anxiety, drinking, and insomnia, read at your own risk.

AN: this was what I went through my senior year of college.

It was understandable what you were going through, it just sucked. You were in your fourth and final year of college, graduation was 2 months away, you were taking way too many credits even though your advisor told you not to. You would just rather take the remaining credits spring quarter because you knew you did not have the energy to take 5 credits for 6 weeks in June and July. In a way, you did this to yourself, but you didn’t realize how hard it would be, and you didn’t realize the toll it would have on your body.

This crazy schedule started affecting your health. It started off with not getting enough sleep, maybe 6 hours, then it dropped to 5, then it dropped to 4, and you were LUCKY if you got 4 hours of sleep. Soon, you were pulling all nighters, some nights by choice, some not. There was nothing a coffee or two couldn’t fix. Then you went from having one to two cups of coffee a day to three, sometimes throwing in a redbull in the mix. It didn’t help that you also drank to cope with stress, so mixing all these drinks in the span of 12 hours definitely didn’t do you any favors. Not to mention you had anxiety and depression. It was just a cluster fuck.

It got so bad to where you started experiencing sleep paralysis and occasionally waking up having panic attacks, even when you were half asleep. It was hell. Your senior year was complete hell. You had no desire to keep pursuing school even though graduation was just around the corner.

It was hard to open up to the guys about it. They had their own problems, and you didn’t want to burden them. Chan was the one with insomnia so you especially didn’t want to whine to him about your lack of sleep.

One night, you woke up having yet another panic attack. You got on your knees as you gripped your pillow and your chest. You took in sharp inhales, desperately trying to get air into your lungs. This was the 3rd night in a row you woke up sometime in the middle of the night, completely disoriented and not being able to breathe. It hurt your chest as you did everything in your power to get the oxygen flowing. After a solid maybe 30 seconds which always felt like hours, you were able to get your breathing somewhat regulated. You took in deep breaths as you placed a hand over your heart. How much longer did you have to go through this? What if this is permanent? You’ve never gone a year in your life without education. What if when you graduate you’ll continue waking up panicking from all the stress? You were pulled out of your thoughts when there was a quiet knock at the door. You looked at your clock and saw it was 3 am.

Great, I woke up one of the guys, you huffed to yourself.

You got out of bed and walked over to your door. When you opened it, there stood Bang Chan, who had concern written all over his face. Guilt swirled in your chest realizing you probably woke him up, the one and only time he was going to sleep. You started apologizing at mach 20.

“I’m so sorry if I woke you up I’m really s-” you rambled before he gently cut you off.

“Woah woah woah slow down you didn’t wake me up, I just got home,” he said pointing to his laptop that was still hanging on his shoulder. Relief warmed your chest but unfortunately sprung tears to your eyes. Bang Chan’s eyes widened as he set down his lap top, never breaking eye contact.

“Hey hey what wrong bug?” he asked as he put a comforting hand on your shoulder. You covered your eyes as you bit your lip, attempting to swallow the sob that was making its way up your throat.

“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, I just heard a slight bit of commotion in your room and wanted to check in on you,” he said gently. You couldn’t keep your emotions at bay as a sob ripped out of your throat. Bang Chan pulled you into his arms as he walked you further into your room and closed your door. You buried your face in his shoulders as your body wracked with sobs, releasing the built up tension from the past few months.

“I’m here y/n, I’m right here,” he whispers into you ear as you hiccuped in his hold.

His fingers slide up and down the back of your neck softly as he rubbed the small of your back with his thumb. You continued to cry as Chan held you in his arms, alternating between rubbing your back and neck, while at the same time dropping small kisses on the side of your temple.

“I don’t think I’m okay Channie…” you whimpered. Bang Chan continued with his actions as he let you spill your heart out.

“I haven’t been able to sleep well and I k-keep waking up having p-anic attacks and I- I’m so t-tired and I’m s-scared its always gonna b-be this way and I d-don’t know what to do,” you wailed as your grip on his sweatshirt tightened.

“Shhh shhh shhh breathe sweet girl, breathe for me,” he said gently. He took one of your hands and placed it on his heart. He kept his own hand over yours and used his other hand to cradle the back of your head. He guided you through breathing exercises until yor heartbeat was regular again. You were so exhausted. He continued to hold you securly in his arms, gently swaying you back and forth. You were beyond lucky to have him and the rest of the guys. Without stopping his actions, he began to speak again.

“Do you think you’ll be able to go back to sleep? I can stay with you if you’d like,” he suggested. You decided to let go of your pride and nod. He kissed your forehead before leading you to your bed. He took off his hat, placing it on your nightstand, and helped you get under the covers. He opened his arms as you snuggled right into his chest. His hand made its way into your hair as he threaded his fingers from the base to the ends. The soft touches were lulling you to sleep, and before you could slip into dreamland, Chan began to speak.

“We don’t have to talk about it now, but if you ever need to, I’ll always be here, we all will, I promise,” he whispered before leaning down to kiss your cheek. You smile and bury yourself even deeper in his chest.

“Thank you Channie,” you croak out. He held you close to him, continuing to play with your hair. After some time, you were able to fall asleep, and not too long after, Channie did the same.

#bang chan #bang chan x reader #christopher bang #skz fanfic #skz bang chan #stray kids x stay #stray kids #hurt/comfort #stray kids hurt/comfort #stray kids fluff

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a-bit-too-silly · 3 months

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Haymitch and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Content warning for implied alcoholism/talk of drinking and withdrawal symptoms

Note: this is not meant to be Haymitch/Katniss! I just like little Katniss and cg Haymitch, but wanted to write from Haymitch's perspective :]

Also my first time writing for this fandom/characters so.. I hope it's alright.

🍂🍂🍂🍂🍂🍂🍂🍂🍂🍂🍂🍂🍂🍂🍂🍂🍂🍂🍂🍂

He didn't need to hear Effie's lecture on the manners he was sorely lacking, nor did he need her nitpicking his choice of clothing or whatever else was wrong with him. Not today.

Saying he 'woke up on the wrong side of the bed' was an understatement. His head feels like he's gotten far too acquainted with a brick and his stomach feels like he's been knocking back a few too many of those 'special' drinks that the Capitol offers at their feasts. Those little vials will always be confusing, maybe it's because he wasn't raised that way. There's no sense to it. Regardless, a sucker punch would probably feel better.

Katniss was snippy during one of the interviews and he might've snapped at her after. It's for her own good, she can't be rocking the boat right now. Not when everyone is breathing down their necks, hungry for a snippet of drama, unaware of the uprisings said 'drama' may prompt. He'd really tried not to yell. Just the thought of more unnecessary sound made his head ache. But he had, a little, and that earned him a harsh glare from Peeta. Normally he wouldn't care, but on top of everything it was starting to break him apart at the seams.

Peeta was miffed and Katniss was certainly angry as well. Effie was already getting that tic in her eye, the pressure rising up like she's some kind of kettle. He can practically see the steam. However, he wasn't about to let her blow off on him. Instead he stormed off to his quarters on the train to nurse his headache and try to keep what little remained in his stomach down.

He's been working hard to get sober, really, he has. Headaches and tremors and nausea and the anxiety that never seems to stop. It's like his senses are cranked up to eleven, the lights are too bright even when dimmed, the train car is too loud, his clothes are touching him all wrong... everything is wrong. Everything is driving him back to his vices. He's seen the bottles in the cupboards. No one would notice if one was missing, would they? They're probably all asleep anyway. If he could just-

For better or for worse, his thoughts are interrupted by a quiet knocking at the door.

"I'm not hungry." He calls back, rolling over on his bed so his back faces the door.

At first there's no response, then he hears the door creak open quietly, the faint light from the hall peeking in alongside whoever has decided to disturb him.

"For Panem's sake-" he grumbled as he pushed himself up against the headboard to a reclined position. "What do you want?!"

Immediately he regrets his harsh tone. He assumed it was Effie or an Avox or someone, but no, it was Katniss. Not the usual Katniss Everdeen, not the victor of district twelve, not the star-crossed lover of Peeta, not the girl on fire.. this was a side of Katniss very few were partial to see. Peeta, of course. Probably Cinna and Effie too, considering how closely and constantly they're buzzing around. At first they tried to hide her from Haymitch, but the girl has never been one to listen to anyone. She does her own thing. But that brings the question, why is she here? Now?

Katniss stands there, peeking into the room at Haymitch with those big grey eyes. She's like a lamb. Shy and skittish and sweet, but still an energetic troublemaker when she wants to be. Thankfully for Haymitch's sanity, she seems to be the former right now. Granted, he probably scared her by raising his voice moments before.

"Haymitch angry?" She asks meekly, not daring to open the door more than she already has. Already prepared for a quick escape.

That question makes him pause, taking in a deep breath and resting his head in his hands for a moment. No. He's not angry, not at her at least.

"No. Haymitch is not angry, sweetheart." He says calmly, trying to quell the guilt of snapping at her. "Haymitch is just having a bad day."

She pushes the door open a bit more, slipping inside like a lamb through a gate, then she closes it behind her. The room returns to darkness, spare for the faint light from the windows and the glow of a few candles Haymitch lit earlier to try and freshen the stuffy air of the train.

"Help?" Katniss asked as she toddled her way over to his bed. Haymitch raised his head from his hands and gave a small nod. Katniss clambers up onto the bed beside him, butting her head up under his arms and comfortably nestling herself against his chest.

It's basically a practiced motion at this point, Katniss loves being cuddled as close as she can get. And Haymitch enjoys it as well, having his baby so close. Her weight in his lap and against him helps draw his attention away from the ache in his muscles.

And there they sat on Haymitch's bed. His hand gently running through her hair, her hands bunched up in his shirt. The sounds of the train slowly drown out as Haymitch starts to drift off, slumping against Katniss in his grogginess.

Soon after he started to slump, Katniss broke the silence.

"Sleep." She mumbled, reaching up to gently pat Haymitch's face, something he does to her when she's refusing to close her eyes. It does make his head hurt a bit more, but it's too endearing for him to complain. Haymitch slumps against her some more, purposefully mushing her just a bit. That earns him a playful shove from the little one. "Haymitch *sleep*."

"Yeah.. yeah.. I got it, kid.." he groans, lifting her slightly so he can lie down. She pouts, just a little, and curls back into him.

Despite the chaos going on around them, the bottles in the cupboard still tempting him to break, the whispers of uprising crackling with sparks.. despite it all, here is quiet.

He can make it to tomorrow. With his baby safe in his arms.

#sfw agere #the hunger games

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rivangel · 1 year

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Share - PT.1/4

pairing: Erwin/Levi

summary: At no particular place or time, Erwin and Levi were together, and now in ways both beyond Levi's most hopeful dreams and anxious nightmares. What does it mean to be together? There is no rulebook for this.

They'll make their own.

content/warnings: fluffy, hurt/comfort, canonverse, established relationship, Levi needs a hug so bad, DC (cutting/sh), low self-esteem, Levi has ocd, intimacy, lack of communication | 5.4k

note: here i am posting a longfic on my tumblr after many centuries of not👍 why not? even though it’s ship content on tumblr.com? well i’m bored also, there is a graphic scene of sh which can be skipped by passing the *******

ohhh and for the uninitiated, this series is a part of a bigger series on my ao3 about my favorite ships being virgins😌this is the final one, with this ch serving as a prologue.

| next chapter |

Just speak. Just ask, ‘Hey, Erwin.’ 'Hey, Blondie. Serious question.’ Speak. You won’t have this type of privacy again for the rest of the day, and then you’ll be too weak yet again to just ask.

“Is there anything you wanted to add to your report, Levi?”

Erwin had been sifting through files on the shelves, but his head is turned to look at him now. Levi just submitted recommendations for two new potential squad leaders to replace the dead. He could elaborate to cover up the fact he stood there for too long, ask, or just say no, and seem suspicious.

What he has been trying to do for a week is to ask Erwin on a date—it’s not like it’s a crazy leap. They’ve been together in this way for a while, known each other much longer, and it’s not the first time they’ve had a date. Only, Erwin has ever asked.

He has poured over all the different ways and settings Erwin has asked: slipping the question into whatever conversation effortlessly with an almost boyish hopefulness… his voice containing a charming lilt to get Levi’s attention. His eyes are impossible to look away from, excited and yet subdued to play off that excitement. And he’s so romantic… it’s impossible not to get flustered. That’s the way Erwin is.

And anyway, Erwin wouldn’t laugh in his face like Levi almost did straight after the first time they kissed, but.

Levi isn’t a people person, or charismatic, or that suave unless you count being a smartass. He can’t express himself like Erwin does, even when he genuinely feels hopeful and excited at the prospect of asking Erwin on a date himself.

Plus, he has an idea in mind already. It took a while to think up, wanting to be original, which excluded horseback-riding in the country, reading together, and so on, because Erwin is too good at dating. Of course he is, having committed to a woman for quite some time in his past (who is now Nile’s wife).

'I’ve gotten tired of sleeping in that chair. For once, we should share the bed.’

To be even more fair, Levi sleeps near Erwin most nights, but never in his bed. A chair sits near a small round table at the window. In the beginning, sleeping there meant creeping in at the middle of the night. Levi won’t think of himself as a brat that needs coddling after a nightmare, but… the proximity to Erwin helps. And those mornings, neither of them mentions it.

For not the first time, he wonders if sleeping in the same bed even qualifies as a date idea. And that question saps the rest of the wind from his sails.

“…No,” he answers. He wants to slip out in the next two seconds, but he’s forced to leave as casually as he came in to save face. He reserves his weak knees and closed lungs for the hallway.

A groan of frustration gets lodged in his throat as his fists curl by his sides. He failed again.

His feet begin to walk without any command or goal. He decides to go back to his own quarters just downstairs to rein his thoughts and feelings in so they aren’t overwhelming when he can’t afford them to be. Case in point, when he and Erwin have dinner this evening, like they do most evenings.

A fresh rush of anxiety plunges into the pit in his stomach. He walks faster.

He deserves another punishment for his cowardice. He planned that in advance—if he failed again, he’d do it again. The same way he always punishes himself.

Adjacent to his office, inside his personal quarters and his bathroom, he kneels, and slides out the false bottom of a bathroom drawers. Contained in it are three closed switchblades, from small and relatively dull to a switchblade Levi would and has brought to a major fight; plus one razor.

He plucks out the razor blade. Familiar. Damning.

The only reason he keeps all these supplies, and needs a hiding place, is because he fails at expectations, set by himself or otherwise.

It’d be considered stupid to do it, knowing how much damage just one cut can do. But he of course knows how to keep it clean. Very few have ever gotten infected, and not since leaving the Underground.

It’s true that since he lost… his friends, that punishments accelerated over the months. It’s been a few years, and he hasn’t gone back to his plain method as a teenager.

Like when he was learning to read and write, and on a day he didn’t improve, he would then slip into a place he wouldn’t be found and punish himself, before he became Captain.

Getting reprimanded by superior officers never bothered him. He was then surprised when it began to, as it bothered Erwin somewhere around the time he was sworn in as Commander. After all, Levi was promoted the same day from nothing. Failing Erwin became a grievous offense in his mind.

(It was considered favoritism to skip ranks, but Erwin argued that it was a long time coming. Levi’s skill spoke for itself, but Shadis always held a grudge against him for being himself, which was fair enough.)

Ironically, Erwin would hate if he knew he harmed himself, no matter the reason. That’s why he won’t understand that he deserves this.

He tells himself that. And he tells himself he will stop when he stops failing. An impossible goal, but a goal.

An excuse. If he didn’t get some sick satisfaction out of this, he should dread it more and think about it less. With an ensuing wave of nausea, he knows that.

Well, he deserves punishment for wallowing in his own self-pity too. The cycle continues.

**********

He rolls up his sleeve. Sitting on the edge of the tub, a cloth pinned between his thigh and the top of his arm, and drags the razor idly down below his wrist, out of the way of his veins.

His skin opens in the blade’s wake, flashing white before blood floods the surface and rapidly rolls down. Vicious stinging shoots like a star, searing the wound. He sighs to himself.

It would hurt worse over his ankles or collarbones, or the undersides of his thighs, but it’s not worth his error in this case. Scars of different severity and immense number litter those places, less elsewhere, but they exist just about everywhere. Sometimes, they can be passed off among ones he didn’t cause.

And besides, he wants three together. This is the third time he failed.

He brings the sharp edge down again, evenly spacing the wounds apart. He’s bleeding quite a bit.

With a grueling start, he realizes there isn’t enough unmarred room for the third.

Too bad. Maybe if you weren’t so careless, like you’re careless with him.

It’s fine. He cuts into the scar tissue, applying more force to do so, and inhales sharply as the tough skin opens. His hand doesn’t shake.

The perfect parallel lines get muddled under the streams of blood, which quickly bleed into the washcloth.

He washes off quickly to make sure. It’s acceptable.

**********

That’s three times, three times, three times he’s chickened out on asking Erwin on a stupid date. He just can’t reciprocate like he wants badly to—and he doesn’t know why. He’s so underqualified for a relationship, let alone this one, he can’t help but think. He’s not good enough.

But that’s not an option. Erwin sees something in him, something worthy of his companionship.

Maybe Erwin just hasn’t seen enough of his soul to change his mind.

But… Erwin doesn’t make flippant decisions—in fact he has perfect judgment. Besides, the fact that they are involved like this at all will destroy whoever dies first, and one of them will. That sacrifice can’t be understated. Erwin can’t be wrong about him.

But he doesn’t understand. He can’t understand.

He tapes on a roll of bandage and secures it with a clip. The punishment is done. It feels like enough. It’s fucking deluded, but he can’t ignore the inner tranquility he feels from fulfilling the pattern, the push to do it right next time.

The sunset is turning orange when he walks down to the mess hall and grabs a tray of dinner (two tender rolls and a watery vegetable soup), plus Erwin’s. His comes with a few thick cuts of smoked ham on the side because he’s the Commander. As he deserves.

Levi retrieves it himself both to take some of the load off Erwin’s busy days and so the meat actually gets to him. He often refuses, being too humble; he dislikes special treatment, but as far as Levi’s concerned, it’s his, so he should take it.

Levi feels optimistic after the woman at the counter who hands him the food wishes him a good night, as he inhales the smoky smell of summer in the brisk breeze, but he should attest part of that to the fading rush of what he did earlier.

It isn’t adrenaline. There’s something inherently wrong with him, he’s pretty sure.

Come on. Show him you care already.

With the two trays perfectly balanced in his hand and on his arm, he briskly knocks and comes in without announcing himself like usual. Erwin is still at his desk unsurprisingly, working on papers he looks up from when the door closes behind him.

He spots the tray of food at the same time Levi does the steaming cups of tea he made in advance, and blushes.

“Thank you, Levi.”

Erwin promptly sets his things aside, clearing space so that Levi can set down the tray. Sitting next to him in his own chair (except this one doesn’t swivel), Levi slides his tea over.

“Back at you.”

They eat in tranquil silence, mostly. Erwin does most of the chatting about his day while Levi listens, sometimes giving his own input, and glaring whenever Erwin covertly slides the small plate of ham in his direction.

“Come, Levi. Maybe the extra protein will help you grow.”

He hums sarcastically. “Only stilts will help me now. Don’t bother.”

Erwin laughs. “Perhaps I’ll invest in stilts.”

“Don’t you dare.”

Something about that laugh makes him remember what he wanted to ask. Suddenly he loses his appetite, with only a little left on his plate. He finishes eating anyway.

Somehow Erwin notices his shift in mood. Supported maybe by that awkward moment earlier.

Finally, Levi sits back in his chair, holding his hands over his lap as he stares pensively out at nothing. Erwin pretends he doesn’t notice as he groups their dirty dishes together.

“Erwin,” he manages. Fortunately it doesn’t come out in a croak. “Serious question.”

Someone knocks on the door. A woman’s voice calls out, “Trays?”

Levi inwardly cringes at the way he startled by the sudden noise. Erwin makes an impatient sound, and tells him ‘one moment’ before picking them up and crossing the room.

Levi doesn’t pay much attention. But he still pick up on how flustered the Scout sounds that the Commander himself would bring the dirty food tray to her, as if he didn’t do the bare minimum. Taking it in stride as always, Erwin is polite when he tells her it’s no problem.

It’s almost like fate wants him to fail. Levi taps his forearm three times, hidden under the desk. He probably only looks mildly irritated, but inside, he’s a nervous wreck.

Erwin comes back too soon and yet not soon enough, now turned in his chair to face him. Levi forces himself to look him in the eye.

“What was your question?”

“Date,” he blurts out. “We should… date. Make one happen.”

Not exactly a question. His cheeks instantly feel fiery hot as soon as he manages that much. Erwin begins to smile, then more, and hides it behind his hand.

He narrows his eyes. “What.”

“You’re…” A chuckle escapes him. “It’s nothing. You're—just cute. Don’t glare, Levi!—You’re making it worse!” he laughs.

Levi rubs his fist across his mouth as if to erase the blush stretching to his ears. Cute. His mind goes blank.

“What did you have in mind?” Erwin asks, still smiling, but openly now.

For a moment Levi doesn’t even remember the idea he had, before it dawns on him. He repeats it the way he planned: “It’s nothing groundbreaking. I’ve gotten tired of sleeping in that chair. So for once, we should share the bed.”

Erwin’s eyes go a little wide, clearly enthused. “Good idea.”

He crosses his arms. “Sure it is,“ he retorts. "Still. I really put my blood sweat and tears into coming up with it.”

“It’s a great idea,” he amends. “Would this date be only for one night?”

He’s teasing him. Levi pouts. “That depends on if I have to ask every time.”

“That’s tempting… but no.”

“Good answer. If it still qualifies as a date at that point.”

Erwin chuckles, still looking at him with those stars in his eyes. Levi fails to see what’s funny.

“I’ve come to the conclusion that time planned to spend together qualifies.”

He blinks. “Even slumped at your desk working?”

“Even then.”

“I see.”

That changes everything. Not for the first time, he wishes there was a handbook for this. If he knew he didn’t have to agonize over this so much, well, he could’ve spent less time in agony.

Well it worked out. The question that’s left is whether he’s a bad bedmate, if he does sleep. When he was young, he was both taught and learned the hard way that there’s no other time you’re most vulnerable than asleep, especially laying down and confined under covers. But he will be next to Erwin, which is a variable to consider.

He feels giddy.

“Do you have anything comfortable to wear?” Erwin asks. His raised brow lets him know that they both know the answer to that.

“What’re you implying?”

“A solution.”

Levi crosses his arms, following Erwin with his eyes as he crosses his office, to his personal quarters. When he looks back, he stands and follows.

For some reason, a wave of peace follows closing the door. It’s not because his quarters are nice (although they very much are, but just as decorated as Levi’s, which is hardly), or even because it’s familiar. It’s a unique air, unique only to Erwin. He feels comfortable within the smells of trimmed pine needles, laundry, and a scent relative to fresh cinnamon.

Feeling comfortable is a conflicting concept to him. Everyone likes feeling comfortable, but it’s alien to him. Unknown. And the unknown is dangerous.

He lets it go. If any emergency could possibly come up, he’ll take care of it.

A walk-in closet is attached to Erwin’s large bedroom. Levi always thought that his bed looks too big for even him, and the last time Levi slept on a mattress like that must’ve been when he was very young. For no reason he can define, nervousness pricks him again.

“I doubt any of my pants could fit you.” Erwin gestures with his hand to shirts hanging up. “What about those?”

He has worn Erwin’s clothes before. The only reason it’s not reciprocated is because it’s impossible.

He pretends to spend a minute rifling through them and deciding. Contrary to what most may believe, most of Erwin’s casual clothes are soft to the touch. Cardigans, tunic sweaters, simple loose shirts with minimal buttons, woolen things.

Levi has no taste in fashion, really. There’s his uniform, and whatever works that presents the image he wants to present while hiding his body. With or without the self-inflicted scars, his body being looked at by most, just in concept, makes him uncomfortable.

He stops that tumultuous train of thought before it can fall into a ravine, and picks out a simple long-sleeved shirt, almost painfully soft to the touch, and looks up at him. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome, Levi.”

Levi worries the inside of his cheek, and then tips his chin up. Smiling softly, Erwin leans down and kisses him.

He changes in the bathroom, and inspects himself in the mirror just long enough and with enough attention to detail to gauge that he has nothing to straighten out.

The obvious is his lack of pants. He wouldn’t mind wearing just boxer briefs in front of Erwin if it weren’t for his scars. The most line the undersides of his thighs, but there are thick scars on his thighs in general; the tops of his feet too, and the bony parts of his ankles. Visible for their milky color when they aren’t severe. A few sloppily ripped into his skin as a relic of blind violence.

But luckily, the shirt’s thin material sways around his mid-thighs like a summer dress. You wouldn’t be able to tell that he’s wearing underwear at all.

The sleeves swallow his hands if he lets them, so he rolls them up just enough to cover his wrists, and checks himself in the mirror a final time. He chose a shirt with a snug collar on purpose to hide the scars on his collarbones and neck, but it still just manages not to slide off his shoulder. Well, they won’t be seen in the dark.

It’s good. It’s Erwin’s.

He notices his heart is pounding, a thick and foreboding drumbeat in his chest, and he’s a little short of breath. He should enjoy himself—but there’s so much that could go wrong. Waking up Erwin with a nightmare, or…

Enough. He spreads his fingers and taps them together three times, and does the same to his bandaged forearm. Like a sturdy shield being constructed in his mind from what-if’s. That makes him feel better.

He kills the lantern with a twist of the knob, and turns the brass doorknob that feeds into the bedroom. It’s dimly lit by a candle on the bedside, which smells strongly of lavender. Erwin looks up when he does so.

He sits on the edge of the bed, also in boxers and a shirt, which makes his heart flutter. Did he do that because of the summer heat, or to make Levi feel less awkward? He doesn’t want to think about it.

He stands, the door not even opened all the way so as to hide his legs.

He looks pointedly at the tall candle, and back to Erwin. He obediently pinches it out without question.

It’s darker, but by light of the waxing moon piercing faintly through the curtains, he can still see his way to Erwin’s bed. He wants to lay closest to the door, where Erwin is sitting.

He doesn’t move at all, though. Not until Levi is near enough to take his hand. Erwin brings it to his lips, and presses a kiss to his knuckles.

The lump in his throat appears again with a vengeance.

“What’re you doing…?” he murmurs.

“Kissing you, my love,” he softly replies.

His heart leaps, his breathing stammers.

He pushes Erwin down to the bed and plants himself on top, seizing his collar with both hands and kissing him hard.

He’s straddling Erwin’s waist. They gravitate to each other as naturally as rain to the earth, with Erwin matching his passion breath for breath, and his arms thrown around him to bring him down closer. Like he wanted this just as badly as Levi didn’t know he did.

Doesn’t he? Levi has made fantasies out of desires plenty of times; being underneath Erwin in bed or below him in his office, with his warm hands completely encompassing his upper thighs, no mind paid to the battlefield his body is. But those fantasies always cut themselves off after a certain point, when they begin to hurt. They sour.

One more aspect of their intimate relationship that has troubled him immensely is being hurt when the time comes.

He has no qualms about pleasuring Erwin when at the cost of his own pain, but the pain is the reason the fantasies end—when Erwin finishes undressing him or pushes him down. It’s easy to imagine the shame, and on the outside, the aches, pains, and bruises after the fact, and hates his imagining. In the mirror, he’ll see his mother’s face.

But it’s a fact he should accept soon. It’s going to hurt, and Erwin will be the one to inflict it on him. Pain changes nothing, because he knows that Erwin feels about Levi the same way he does him.

It’s normal. And it makes him abnormal for thinking so, but he could never imagine himself in Erwin’s position.

The way his daydreams about Erwin—the beginnings of them—turned him on cemented that decision. He should get over it. Erwin is so good to him, better than Levi could ever have dreamed of being treated. He will get over it.

At the top of his chest, turmoil twists his insides as Erwin lovingly strokes his waist, under his shirt. That, and his belly roiling with heat is a distressing and strange combination.

He hears himself whine as their tongues slide together, tasting mint and his warm mouth. Erwin, grasping at his shirt like Levi is the only thing he ever wanted. It feels good.

That isn’t right.

But he’s not allowed to stop him.

After what feels like forever, Erwin rolls them over so he’s finally underneath him. The shift has Levi’s shirt ride up his middle.

He cards his fingers through soft blond hair, opening his legs and hooking his teeth in Erwin’s bottom lip to play off the terror creeping inside and making a home in his blood.

Erwin groans. Levi hates that he wants to cry, like a pathetic brat.

At least his scars can’t be noticed in the dark. And Erwin will be happy. He simply grips Erwin’s shirtsleeves and focuses on obeying.

Levi gasps down his throat when Erwin pushes his hips down against his own. The front of his boxers is hard, much bigger and a little harder than his own.

The lash of amazing friction makes him grip tighter, and moan, and that lump in his throat grow even heavier. This is moving so fast it’s hard to keep up. He wants to roll over and curl into a ball.

He lets it happen and makes no effort to move one way or the other. He should just be grateful that it hasn’t sunk in yet.

Their joined hands slide his shirt up more. It’s dark in this room, but not so dark that Erwin won’t spot the bandage. He doesn’t want him to see, but maybe he can just lie and brush it off. If he noticed an injury on Levi he didn’t know about, he wouldn’t let it go until he knew what happened.

That’s too much right now. He wants to get this over with so it can be over. Even though there will be a next time, he always knew the first time would be the most difficult to get through. After, he’ll find ways to get used to it, but he will always enjoy giving Erwin pleasure. There is nothing Levi wouldn’t go through for him.

Their lips part for a moment so Levi’s shirt can come off. In their haste, their hands touch again, and even through the darkness, veiled in shadows, it’s clear to feel how badly Levi is shaking.

Erwin makes his worst fear come true by pausing. They’re both breathing hard. Erwin faintly squeezes his hand and gazes down at him encouragingly.

“You’re not the only one who’s nervous.”

Levi opens his mouth to say he’s not, but the words can’t come out. Does Erwin want to get this over with like he does? That hurts, so much worse than if Erwin didn’t feel anything.

He’s shaking like a leaf, and it’s hard to breathe now. He feels his control unraveling, like a roof collapsing. That’s not even the most distressing thing of all, but it’s close.

Erwin unhands his shirt, bringing their hands down over Levi’s wildly racing heart.

“What’s wrong?”

He shakes his head in attempts to be dismissive. It’s one thing to ruin something, but another to feel it happening as you do it.

“I’m fine,” he grits out. “Just do it.”

“Do… Do what?”

“Why do you sound so confused?” he sneers. It’s much, much easier to be angry than… whatever this is. “I’m not going to resent you. Hurry up.”

Erwin does the exact opposite of hurry up. He leans back. “…I think we’re both confused. The only reason you’d resent me is if… I hurt you. Do you think that’s what I want to do?”

Levi stares at him through the darkness. The more he does, the clearer is the outline of Erwin’s perplexed and troubled look, and especially his eyes. They’re bright in the dark.

His silence is answer enough.

“This isn’t supposed to be painful,” Erwin says, intentionally even. An honest, logical statement. Levi keeps staring, eyes growing wider.

Erwin leans back more so he’s sitting up and climbs off of him, while he’s more or less frozen still.

“You know that you can tell me to stop, don’t you?”

The answer is no. But that’s when the answer to his ongoing discomfort clicks. The biggest reason he resented those fantasies is because Erwin wouldn’t put him through pain.

He is suddenly crushed by guilt.

“What made you think you couldn’t?” he asks softly. Levi tenses up. Even now, Erwin is being kind and thoughtful towards him.

What is the answer?—because he has to muster one. Living his life? He’s never had true experience, but he has experiences. And they teach.

“…I was born in the Underground,” he states. Like the cold conciseness of silence, that should be answer enough.

Erwin knows of some details. Their pasts in general never come up on purpose, but when they sometimes do, they do talk. Even though Levi willingly expands on his past less than 'sometimes’, and he remembers very little about his childhood, Erwin knows what that answer means.

Levi finally, and slowly, sits up. “…Don’t even wonder if it’s your fault.”

Erwin nods in the dark. He sighs, like a weight has been lifted. “Levi… It will never hurt. And we’ll always want to, the entire time. If that changes, we’ll stop. I need you to know that.”

A little voice wants him to believe that Erwin is exaggerating, or that those rules apply only to themselves because Levi is too weak to go through actual sex.

Maybe that’s that problem. He keeps thinking of it like ‘going through’ it. If it’s like he says and everyone involved is supposed to ‘enjoy’ it, then that shouldn’t be the case.

“…Even when… it’s being done to you?” he asks.

Erwin innocently places his hand on his knee. “Nothing is being done to anyone. It’s equal. Sometimes that intentionally doesn’t seem like the case, but in the end it always will be. Anything else… is an attack.”

“…I see.”

Levi thinks through what he’s just learned. What she went through then… was just pain.

While on the other side of the bed, Erwin turns on a lantern as low as it can light, to avoid the abrasive brightness of a candle. Erwin, always thinking of him.

He sits beside him. Levi sits up a little straighter so they resemble more of an equal height.

“Were those your intentions from the start?” Erwin asks.

He scoffs. “No. My lame idea was real. But when you did what you did earlier, I just… wanted…”

He struggles. What did he want? What he can never have?

“…I wanted to ease the burden for you. You couldn’t have predicted it would be like this.”

“The burden of what?”

It’s one of those very rare moments when Erwin sounds downright confused. Levi meets his eye intently then pointedly looks down at himself with a vague gesture between them.

“Not in general. Just,” he scoffs again. He takes Erwin’s limp hand. “About this.”

“…L-evi.”

He’s shocked again. Erwin’s voice breaks in one word. He hopes he’s mishearing. There is so much they experience to be depressed about. He can’t be another cause.

Levi lets him go and folds his knees to his chest, taking a shivering breath in. “I’m not good at this. I’m not even passing at it. For you. I can’t seem to be…”

Erwin turns towards him to compensate for the distance he created. “Levi, who ever said I needed you to be anything?”

It’s frankly impossible to see what face he’s making in the dark until he leans in closer, and he can feel Erwin’s presence close to his leg, and listen to his words more clearly.

“You have your own mind. That’s not a detriment. This…” He squeezes his knee. “…is not a challenge. It’s nothing you need to train for. When I don’t understand something new, it’s easy to see it as such.

"Whether something is a challenge or not, learning is always at the root. You’re not a burden because you’re learning. If you ever have any doubts, you are not a burden to me.”

It dawns on him when of course Erwin explains it. He… still doesn’t understand how he can be good enough just by being, but it’s not his responsibility to pick apart Erwin’s feelings.

No mastering this? No general technique? He needs several moments to process.

Feelings and what to do with them have never presented any technique or mastery. They’re fluid, sometimes complex, and often enough messy. And intrinsically connected to sex.

He doesn’t know his feelings, what to do with them, how to pick them apart or even name them.

But he would do anything to see Erwin smile. He doesn’t want Erwin to leave him behind. He wants to kiss Erwin, be held in such a deep and warm embrace, and listen to him talk. Levi won’t touch that feeling with a thirty-foot pole.

But Erwin would do those things for him. Including help him learn about this.

Levi sighs silently. “I didn’t know there was anything you don’t understand,” he retorts.

Erwin chuckles to himself, but there’s little humor in it. “As people, I think that’s always the case. But if you want proof, I haven’t done what you proposed earlier either.”

Oh.

Levi practically gawks, mostly unseen, but Erwin can read his shocked silence.

“Is that surprising?”

He sounds satisfied with himself. Levi scoffs. “It’s surprising you felt any need to spell it out.”

“I do know some things. But the learning has yet to happen.”

He huffs, reaching and playfully flicking his ear.

He snickers and tries to snag Levi’s wrist. Levi’s faster, though, and takes his hand, then both his hands. Erwin playfully struggles, knowing he can’t win. Eventually Levi gets fed-up and hugs his arms. At that point, his laughter has become infectious, and the sensation of his lips stretching into a smile is odd-feeling.

Levi brews some calming tea to soothe their woes, and as usual, in silence that’s comfortable. It warms his belly. At around midnight, it’s time for their date.

Going back to bed is easy, just something that he gets used to. The silky sheets feel like just as much of an embrace as Erwin, curled up behind him does. The pillow under his head is plush like a cloud, and although it’s summer, it’s not uncomfortably warm.

Sleep is difficult to reach, but he didn’t expect much different. After Erwin’s breathing becomes slow and even, Levi’s mind continues to race, but he can’t pinpoint what he’s even thinking.

He thinks… that he likes not liking feeling comfortable next to Erwin. Something to learn.

It felt good, earlier. His weight pressing him down, or the drag against his cock right as he throbbed. He would like to try it again. Soon.

Thoughts and wonderings blur more and more until his mind is subdued and quiet. He falls asleep long before dawn, which is saying something.

When dawn does break, in some odd turn of events, he slept like a rock, not having moved an inch. Erwin however is more intertwined with him than before, legs tangled and his breath soft and slow at the back of his neck. His arm is Levi’s pillow..

To none of his surprise, he likes waking up next to Erwin.

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