#also nevermind i had internet problems until today

[baekuras]

Took a peek into the message preview and my mother latest message starts with “I don’t know why I haven’t heard anything from you-” and like Her last message ended with “You could have messaged me-I could be dead by now”

like how the FUCK do you answer that? K? Cool man?👍? I hope so? So could you on any other day? Lmao I have been dead since 13????? I just??????????? no?

[ramp-it-up]

The One

Pairing: Chris Evans x Reader

Warmings:  18+, Minors DNI. Curate your own experience. Cursing, drinking, running, a raging argument in an established relationship, name calling, taunting, drunken raging, Twitter. SMUT, explicit, rough sex, fingering, tit slapping, orgasm denial, spitting, oral sex (mostly female receiving). Also, I’m sleepy. 😴

A/N: Not proofread. Also, I know very little about Chris and Jenny, and have no real opinion about their relationship. I made up the scenario about what happened there for the purposes of the story. THANKS FOR 400 FOLLOWERS TONIGHT! 🥳🎉🎊🍾👏🏽🎈

This fic is based on the following ask:

Anonymous asked:

Imagine idea :

Chris is drunk after a fight with the reader. He was On Twitter and saw some pics with Jenny and when the reader comes in he screams at her and says that Jenny was the one and not the reader. The reader get sad because she was always kind of insecure about the age gap with Chris. The day after he didn’t know what he says and she don’t say anything because she got the feeling that he was right. But one thing both didn’t noticed that Chris was drunk calling Scott and he knows everything Chris says and drive to Chris to give him a good clamp ahahhaha Chris was drunk and Just mentioned her name because he saw a post with Jenny.

------------------

It had been the perfect day.

You slept in, then had a late brunch at home. 

You saw a message from Chris’ former co-star, Heidi, light up his phone that he’d plugged in on the kitchen counter when you two were tidying up.

You wondered why he was texting the bitch even after you told him that she wanted him. And after he agreed to cut off contact out of respect for you.

Heated, you didn’t even look around before you picked it up, put in his code and read a string of friendly, if not borderline flirty, texts.

Chris walked in the kitchen, caught you, and yelled at you for being in his phone. 

“What the hell is going on?”

“Exactly! What is going on, Chris. I thought we talked about this?” 

Chris rolled his eyes. “It’s not a big deal.”

“Oh, it’s a big fucking deal.”

You threw his phone on the marble countertop, which caused Chris to pick it up to see if it was cracked. Your temper was too much.

“We’re just friends! She knows we’re together, y/n!” 

You rolled your eyes. 

“And I know women, Chris. That doesn’t fucking matter to her. Sometimes you’re so oblivious. Or act like you are.” You huffed and rolled your eyes.

“I know you want to leave me for someone more glamorous and beautiful. Someone who will put up with your shit, everyone the media says you’re fucking. Go ahead and just do it!”

Chris’s temper was really rising now. You could tell as the red creeped up his chest to his neck. 

“Stop fucking saying that!” Chris was screaming now. “Is that what you want? To end it? Because you don’t have to make me do it. If you want to leave, just leave.”

You said shit like that a lot. And it scared and angered him. He wanted to know if you were trying to make him break up with you so you would be free.

“Why are you being such a fucking…” Chris stopped himself. He knew better than to call you out of your name.

Your head almost spun around. You smiled evilly. 

“Go ahead, say what you wanna say, Chris. Or are you scared?”

Chris exploded. “A fucking BITCH.”  He was shaking because you went there.

“How many times do I have to tell you, I’m not fucking anyone else!”

Chris lost it and punched the wall, making a hole in the drywall and definitely injuring his hand.

You just stood there with your mouth open and in silence. You went toward him to look at his hand, and he just put both of them up, backing away from you and going to the liquor cabinet.

He retreated to the deck with a bottle of Jameson’s. He wanted to dull the pain, in his hand, and in his heart. He hated when you hurt each other.

You understood that you both crossed the line, so you let him be. You went upstairs to change into your running clothes to get out and clear your head.

Chris settled on a deck lounger, started drinking from the bottle and got online, which is never a good thing, but he needed something to distract him. He started reading tweets about himself, and following a thread of Chris + Jenny stans.

The more he drank, the more he started reminiscing.

There were good times. He was happy. Mostly. He thought she was the one. Sometimes. But she broke his heart. He was just a rebound. 

Her handsome arm candy.

Then he thought of you. His heart melted; you really loved him. He was sure of it. But loving him was hard. He realized that you felt the same way about him that he felt about Jenny. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

Insecure. 

And you had good reason to be. Everything you’d said about women coming after him was true. But what you didn’t realize is that since he’d met you other women didn’t matter to him. 

You were the one, not Jenny.

Chris began to get melancholy. He’d fucked up. You were nothing but good to him and you just asked him to respect you and listen to your feelings. He’d ignored that. 

Shit, why did he yell at you like that?  

He went to erase Heidi’s contact and block her number. He was confident that you were never going to throw him away like Jenny did. She was the one who’d hurt him. Not you. Never you. He recognized that you wouldn’t ever hurt him on purpose.

His mind was racing with how to apologize when you came back. He was an idiot. The pain in his heart was replaced with regret and his hand had slowed to a dull throb.

But then 30 minutes turned to 3 hours, and by the time you got back, the bottle was empty and Chris’s eyes were red with rage and worry. 

Maybe you were just like Jenny after all.

--------

You ran, and then went to get some coffee. You ran into Shelby at the cafe and distracted yourself with mindless chatter, then walked back. You were ready to apologize by the time you opened the door.

When he heard the door, Chris picked up his phone and met you in the living room. He was obviously shitfaced.

“WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN!?” 

Chris’s voice boomed throughout the house and you jumped. Then you just stood there, shocked at his outburst. 

“The hell are you talking to me like that?” 

He was unsteady on his feet. He leaned toward you, and you could tell that someone was spinning the room for him.

“I don’t want it to be you!” 

He had to let you know that he knew that you wouldn’t be the one to hurt him. Chris pointed his phone at you. 

“You’re not the one. Jenny’s the only one. Not you! Not ever you!”

You couldn’t believe your ears. But then again you could. It was what you were afraid of. You were head over heels. And Chris could find someone on his level. Like Jenny.

“Well, Fuck You very much, Chris.” 

You brushed your tears away and ran past him up the stairs to the bedroom, locking the door and crying your eyes out. You got out your suitcase.

----

Chris started up after you, calling your name, and then suddenly needed to duck in the downstairs bathroom to throw up. 

He tried to make it up the stairs and had to sit down on the floor near the bottom. Then, he needed to lay down just for a minute.

The next thing Chris knew, it was morning, and he woke up to a pounding on the door and in his head. He rolled over on the floor, and something stabbed him in the side.

Groaning, he reached down and saw your keys to his house, his cars, and his life, all on the Tiffany heart keychain he’d given them to you. He was staring at them, confused, when Scott opened the door with his key.

“There he is. My brother. The fuck up.”

Chris groaned again, sat up on the bottom stair and held his head. 

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Nevermind me. It’s not often I get to say that, only when you publish your dick pic to the internet or you RUN OFF THE BEST THING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED TO YOU!”

Chris winced when Scott yelled, his head a pounding mass of meat wrapped in fuzzy cotton. 

He didn’t understand why he was being tortured and he didn’t understand why his hand hurt.  He looked at it, all bruised up, and the keys inside it.

“Just tell me, Scott. Why are you here?”

Scott leaned up against the door. 

“Did you know you drunk dialed me last night?” 

Chris looked up at Scott, and his face was a sight as his brother told him what he’d said to you.

“Fuuuuuck me!” He put his head in his hands again. 

“I don’t know if she ever will again,” Scott joked, but Chris didn’t laugh. 

“I called her after you apparently passed out and wouldn't pick up your phone.  She was ready to catch an early morning flight, but I convinced her to sleep in today and leave tomorrow.”

Chris moved his hands down from his eyes and stared out the patio doors, trying to think.

“I put her up in the Four Seasons, on your dime of course.  Room 6145. Penthouse. Could be pretty romantic. If she were in that kind of mood.”

Chris looked up at Scott, smiled weakly, jumped up and hugged him, then made for the door. Scott jumped in front of him.

“Trust me, you’ll want to get some water and coffee in you, and shower and brush your teeth. You look and smell like shit.”

“Right.” Chris nodded, flexing his hand. He could still move it. He was glad it wasn’t broken. “Thanks, bro.”

“No problem.” Scott walked into the bathroom as Chris went to the kitchen, groaning when he saw the hole in the wall. He’d have to ask Scott to get it fixed before you saw it again. 

If he could convince you to come back.

----

It was 11 am, and Scott had verified that you were still in the room. Chris just stood there, nervous and terrified that you were just going to be done with him.

Room service came and headed toward your door. Chris waved them down and when they saw his face, they stopped in their tracks, shocked.

“Hey, can you do me a favor?”

----

You climbed out of the wonderful deep jetted tub, having soaked until the water got cold and your fingers were wrinkled. You pulled on the plush Four Seasons terry cloth robe that was provided with the suite.

You felt calmer than last night, and after some sleep and relaxation, you realized that you’d been a fool to think that Chris would want you forever like you thought.

It was for the best that you leave and start over, to focus on your consulting business and yourself for a while.

You opened the door with a smile on your face for the attendant, and you let them into the room, your back turned to the door while they brought the cart in. You turned back around and there was Chris.

You grew heated, and your heart began to race while the attendant scurried out. Chris’s face was a welcome sight, but you were still angry.

There you were, looking so beautiful, curls tied up in your favorite silk scarf, cocoa skin radiant in a white fluffy robe.  You should have been comfortable, but your eyes were wide and scared.

He’d done this to you.

“Fuck, y/n… I…”

You interrupted him. 

“You’ve got some mutha fuckin nerve. How dare you just run up in here, using that fucking face,” you flung your hand up, “using who you are to get into my room. How did you even know where…?”  

Your mouth dropped open at the realization of what Scott had done. You turned on your heel to get your things. You didn’t care that you were naked under your robe. You didn’t care that you still loved Chris. You were out. This second.

Chris moved to block you from entering the bedroom of the suite. You tried to push past him, all 5’ 4” of you versus 6 feet of him.

“Move, Chris!” 

You glared up at him, your body responding to him in ways you weren’t prepared to admit. You were betrayed by your pussy.

“I just want you to listen to me.  Then you can leave, stay, do whatever you want. Just hear me out.”

You and him physically was always the shit. His arms across his chest did things to you  But you kept mean mugging him, making him hard for you. 

You stepped back and said, “Okay.  You have 10 minutes.  Then I’m out, Chris.”

You paced back to the couch in the living room of the suite, watching him warily.

Chris paced in front of you, making it inevitable that you follow his lean form back and forth across the carpet. You noticed that his hand was bandaged and that he kept flexing it. 

You hoped it wasn’t broken. No matter what, you cared what happened to him. You would always love him. Even if it was the end of your relationship.

“First of all, I’m sorry. My anger got the best of me, and I was violent and that is never acceptable.  Even though I didn’t touch you, it’s not ok, and I know it was intimidating. I take responsibility.”

He stopped and looked at you, you melted a little, but you didn’t give any outward sign. Being a business owner taught you a mean poker face. 

But the shirt he was wearing made his true blue eyes pop and you could see a hint of his chain around his neck under the fitted henley.

You suppressed a shiver at the memory of the things you did to have that chain and medallion wave in your face, to have it clenched between your teeth as Chris had his way with you, and you with him.

You focused on him, pointedly looking at your watch. Chris’ anxiety peaked when he saw that.

He stepped toward you and thought that he recognized the look in your eyes.  He was almost sure that you still wanted him, sure that you still cared.  He could only hope as he came closer.

“And then I started drinking. And while you were gone, I came across some posts about me and Jenny. And it took me back there.”

At those words, you crossed your arms and averted your eyes, defenses up. You didn’t want to hear about how much he loved Jenny.

Then, Chris swiftly moved to sit on his haunches, becoming eye level with you.  

“And I realized that she never really loved me. Not like you loved me.”  

Chris speaking about your love in the past tense made you a little angry and you stared him in the eyes. 

It was just the reaction he hoped for. Your attitude. He loved it. He hid a smirk so that he could continue, but you saw the glimmer in his eyes. And you rolled yours.

Chris then picked up the sash to your robe and started playing with it, your eyes drawn to his thick fingers. You didn’t know why that was getting you hot, but it was. You opened your mouth to breathe.

Chris’s voice cracked when he said. “And to me she was the mountaintop. Another, different kind of conquest. But I realized that I never really loved her. Not like I love you.”

Present tense.

Now you were looking into his eyes, about to fall into them. Shit. He had you hooked. But then you remembered, and drew back.

“Yeah, I know what I said, but what I was trying to express was that I know it could never be you to hurt me like Jenny did. That I didn’t want you to hurt me like she did. Not when I’ve thought about forever…” 

He moved even closer. “I mean forever, forever, with you.”

All of a sudden you couldn’t breathe. Chris got on his knees.

“I want to be in this position again with you one day. One day soon. But not like this. I don’t want it to be to try to get you back. I want us to be good.” 

He sighed, pensive. “I want you to be smiling and happy, and even have our families there.”

You don’t know how your face looked at that moment, but Chris started smiling at you. You were so beautiful to him right now.

“I was drunk, and I couldn’t use my words correctly. I yelled and I screamed and I punched the wall. I fucked up and may have lost you forever, but I’m sorry, Y/N. I’m so sorry.” 

You felt yourself get emotional, but you tried to calm down.

“I’m just so fucking scared that you will get tired of all the bullshit that comes with me and leave… and I absolutely wouldn’t blame you. But there’s no one else, y/n.  No one else can compare…”

“Chris…” 

You raised your hand to his face, eyes searching his. You could tell he was being honest.

Chris grabbed your hand and started kissing your palm.

“So.” He looked at you with those eyes. “Is this goodbye?…” His lips were giving you shivers. “Or hello again? Can we start over?”

Chris trailed his lips from your palm, to the pulse point at your wrists and lingered there, licking the delicate skin. Then he moved up your arm to the opening in the robe. 

He pushed his torso in between your legs and leaned into your neck, inhaling the lavender bath oil that was your favorite. And his, too. 

He moaned as you leaned your head to the side, giving him access. But he didn't just want the physical. He breathed into the shell of your ear. 

“Please come home, baby…”

You just moaned as he started sucking right below your ear, your spot. Desire took over for Chris when he heard your sounds.

“Fuck it. I can tell that you still want me. If this is goodbye, then I’m going to make it worth your time.”

Your back arched and Chris palmed your bounteous ass over the robe, pulling you flush to his crotch.  He smiled as he felt the warmth coming from you.

“You’re so fucking warm, babe. Are you wet, too?  Are you wet for me? Do you want my cock? I mean, do you want your thick, fat, cock to fuck you babe?” 

Chris was kissing down your neck into the cleavage that the robe was revealing with each sentence as you opened your legs. Your pussy was quivering for him, but you still didn’t answer him.

Chris looked up at you with those eyes and pulled on the robe sash. It fell open and he looked down and bit his lip, taking in your warm skin, lovely breasts, and elegant pussy, with the manicured triangle of hair kept like he preferred, and offered up for his taking. 

You still looked like his girl, and he smiled as he looked up into your eyes. But he had to be certain. He lowered his head, keeping eye contact and descended toward one small hard mountain peak, kissing it gently, tentatively, while watching you.

You were mesmerized as his tongue peeked out and licked it, then he opened his lips and enveloped it, moistening it with his pink lips. 

The look on your face compelled him, and he fully enveloped your nipple and started sucking roughly, still keeping eye contact. You were determined not to close your eyes, but it was difficult. You bit your lip to stay still.

Chris’s bandaged hand was dangerous, however, and it came up to pinch and roll your other nipple. You arched into his hand as he became rougher and rougher. 

He switched nipples and hands and his saliva made your breast that much more pliable and sensitive. He slapped it, and then rubbed it with the rough bandage, making you cry out and moan as his other hand trailed down your body to your cunt.

“This pussy will still be mine, even if you leave me.” He smiled cockily while looking down on it. 

He looked at you, before lifting his hand to his mouth, looking straight into your eyes and spitting on his fingers before bringing them down to your cunt.

“I think, that if even if you leave and  move back to Houston, and I come to town, that if I I call you, even if you’re with someone else, you would meet me in a parking lot and let me fuck you over the hood of my rental car.” 

He was faintly tracing your pussy lips and instantly your control was gone. You were sopping wet, because of his words and because of the knowledge that what he was saying was the truth.

“Oh,” was all you could say. You were adding to the wetness of the saliva on his fingers.

Chris smiled and tilted his head as his two thick digits breached your opening. He had his answer as you threw your head back and let him finger fuck you while he rolled and slapped and pinched your nipple.

His thumb was lightly brushing your clit and you wanted so much more.  Chris could sense that and he pressed down roughly on it, causing an electric jolt up your body, which you keened for, arching your body into his hand.

Chris moved his hand from your breast to your neck and applied the pressure that you wanted and needed and that he was expert at while he stuffed another finger inside you and circled your clit with his thumb. 

You floated among the clouds as you came like fireworks, and all over his hand.  

He watched you come undone, and come down, rubbing his hard cock through his pants with one hand while he sucked your juices off his fingers, releasing each with a loud pop.  When you opened your eyes, you smiled.

You pulled his hand and started licking yourself off him, flattening your tongue against his palm. 

“I forgive you Chris. I forgave you when you conned your way into my room, you ass.” 

You smiled against his hand as he groaned, relieved and desperate for you.

“But you still have some work to do.”

“What do you want? Anything.”  

Now Chris was breathless, anticipating payback.

“First, you need to take those damn clothes off.”

He quickly moved to take off his shirt, and then stood up to take off his pants.  You smirked as hs cock sprang up immediately when he peeled them down. He wasn’t wearing underwear.

Chris caught your look. 

“What? I wanted to be prepared.”  He chuckled softly while pumping his cock lightly, expecting to immediately fuck you.

He moved toward you. But you quickly moved off the couch and into the bedroom, forcing him to follow you, and his dick, into the other room.

You sat on the edge of the bed as he remained standing. 

“What do you need, babe?”

You reached for his cock and tugged it toward you, opening your mouth and deep throating it, wetting it from root to tip and then spit on it. Chris moaned as you started to stroke. Then you stopped.

“I need you to jack off for me.” 

“Ugh! You’re so fucking nasty. I love you.”

Chris instantly started where you left off. This didn’t seem like work.

You leaned back on your elbows, watching him, and licking your lips.

“And I need for you not to stop, and not to come. Until I tell you.” 

You looked him in the eye and that was when Chris knew he was doomed.  A chill ran down his spine as you reached down and started playing with your pussy.

“Fuck!”

You looked so damn good.  He licked his lips and stroked harder and faster, his balls drawing up already. 

“Shit, y/n.”

You watched his eyes, and got wetter at his blown pupils and glazed look. 

“You like that?”

“Fuck yeah.”  

His voice was broken and desperate. He fisted his cock, and held his balls, trying to stave off the inevitable. 

You turned around, got on your knees and reached back between your legs and ran your fingers up and down your slit.

“How about that?”

“Goddamnit!” 

Chris grunted as he tried to hold it in. You were a goddess. He licked his lips. Wanting to taste you. So he did. 

He dove in, tongue competing with your fingers to command your slit. You finally gave in to his expert mouth and he savored your salty goodness.

“Fuck, Chris, you better still be…”

“I am. Christ.” 

He was leaking in his hand, but he had it under control. Barely.

Chris stopped eating you out for a second, grabbed your ass cheek with one hand, stretched you open, spit on your tighter hole, and watched it slide down your satin lips to drip onto the bed. 

His warm saliva made your pussy quiver and he watched it lovingly. Then he dove in again.

He sped up his movements with his other hand and you could hear the smooth skin of his dick sliding on his palm while his tongue did forbidden things to you.

“Ffffffuuckkkkkkk! Chrisssss.” 

You came, burying your scream in the mattress, and even harder than before. You couldn’t believe that he’d turned the tables on you.

Chris ate you out through your orgasm, holding you down with one hand like it was nothing. 

He was god of war, love, and sex, all at once. 

Fuck Captain America.

You came again, almost immediately.

When he was done with his meal, he let you go, wiped his mouth with the back of his free hand and stepped back.

“Fuck, what do you want me to do? I can’t take it much longer…” Chris’s sexy growling voice got to you. 

“What do you wanna do, Chris? How do you want to take me, Daddy?”  Chris’s cock jumped in his hand, he slapped your ass, and watched it jiggle.

Chris entered your wet, wet pussy, and marvel how if felt like it was choking the life out of him.  He had to stop moving, or he would burst almost immediately.

“How the fuck are you so wet, but so tight.  It’s like a fucking vice grip, geeze.” 

You both waited and felt it jump inside you, then Chris reached down, grabbed you by the neck and pulled you upright and flush to his chest.  

One hand clutched your throat and the other arm hooked under your leg, allowing him to piston up into you upright while your other leg dangled, your big toe barely touching the ground.

Chris held you and fucked up into you, grunting each time the large mushroom cap head of his cock was stuffed into your pussy. 

“Ugh, gatdamn it, you were thinking of leaving, ugh, you wanted to leave this, mmmmmm, this dick that, ugh, that fucks you like this?” 

Chris’s mouth was near your ear, which was on his shoulder because your head had fallen back on his chest. He was using you like a sex toy as he fucked you senseless. 

His dick slicked in and out of you with obscene wetness, Chris somehow lifting you up and slipping completely out of you and pounding back into you with force.

“Chris!!!” 

You started shaking, your center of gravity being where you and he were connected.

He fucked you even harder and faster, chasing his release, but he maneuvered his hand to find your clit, refusing to come before you. 

“Fuck! You know you were going to miss this cock that your sweet cunt fits… like…  a …mutha …fuckin…  glove!” 

"Ahhhh!" 

You screamed as you fluttered around his cock. He could take only so much before he had to shut his eyes and bite down on your collarbone. Chris’s legs were trembling now.

"Take all of it!." He was hitting your spot.  "How does it feel?" 

Although the feeling was intense, you tried to speak. 

"L-l-l-like h-heav-v-v-ennnnn." 

The sound of your voice made his release start to build. 

With each of his thrusts, the sweet tightness began to build until you came, screaming and moaning in pleasure.

“Oh shiiiiitttttt!”  Chris exploded inside your tight wet cunt. He wanted to fill you up like never before. He wanted to put his baby in you and tie you forever to him. That made his balls empty.

He fell back on the bed, with you on top of him, slipping out of you and depositing you on the bed beside him.

Chris couldn't help but smile as you both came down.  He was made for this.

Chris put his hand on your cheek, brushing your beautiful lips with his thumb. You smiled under his attention into his sea blue eyes.

“I love you.” You grinned. 

“God, I love you.”  You sobered up, taking in the weight of his words.

“Is it weird that I want to get you pregnant before we’re married?”

You made a face.

“Who says I want to marry you?”

Chris scooped you in his arms and rolled you over on top of him.

“You don’t want to marry me? You’d say no if I asked?” 

You held in a giggle.

“Nah. I’m gonna move back to Houston and marry someone else so you can come in town and fuck me over the hood of your rental car. That sounds hot as fuck.”

Chris released an anxious breath.

You took his head in your hands.

“Easy now. Ask what you want to ask.” Chris started to speak. You put your finger over his mouth.  

“When you want to ask it.” You looked into his eyes again. “I won’t break your heart.”

Chris smiled at you and said, “I know.” He kissed you. 

And when you pulled away, breathless, he told you, “You’re the One.”

----------- Read Part Two: It Takes Two

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[itsreigns]

Surprising Him

Elias x Reader

(Y/N) surprises him at Monday Night Raw after not getting to see him for a few weeks.

Warnings: Angst. Mainly Fluff.

Words: 2,676

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It’s been too long since I’ve seen my boyfriend. Three weeks with nothing but FaceTime and iMessage back and forth. I missed his face so much. Yeah, I know I saw it on the screen but it just isn’t the same.

I miss his face close to mine. I miss his face tucked into the crook of my neck. I miss his beard tickling me as he kissed down my body. I miss his scent. I miss the warmth that emanated from his body. I miss his deep voice. I miss him.

For the past few days, he tried to dismiss it but I could sense he was upset. If I had to guess, I’d probably say he was just bummed that we couldn’t be together on our first anniversary. He always said he wanted to be home, so we could have a private dinner, just ourselves, and enjoy our company. But unfortunately, his work schedule didn’t play in our favor. 

Initially, he asked for a couple of days off and they granted them, but a week ago, after Raw, he was informed that he was needed on the show on our anniversary day. He was so disappointed, and almost embarrassed when he called me to tell the news and call our plans off. I shrugged it off, obviously, and tried to comfort him. 

It wasn’t his fault, so I definitely didn’t want to make him feel even worse. Plus, it was very likely that it meant a huge improvement in his career and in his current storyline. Deep down he knew I was right, but I think he might have gotten the wrong idea. I had the slight feeling that he thought I was okay with not seeing him and not celebrating our anniversary. 

But it was the complete opposite. I was so heartbroken with the news of our now cancelled plans, but I didn’t want him to feel guilty or sadder about it. I moped around for some time, bummed about not seeing my husband, until I had a lightbulb moment. 

If he couldn’t come to me, I’d go to him.

How had I not thought about it before? Seriously, so dumb of me. It’s a special date for us, and I can definitely arrange to take some days off work. It will be perfect. 

I grab my laptop, my credit card and my phone and head to the sofa, ready to start booking my flight and arrange some nice hotel room for us. It took me about an hour and a half and lots of surfing the internet and scheduling to do it all, but it’s all finally set. 

Seattle is waiting for me! In three days, I’m going to surprise my husband on our anniversary. It’s going to be unforgettable. It’s not what we had planned or wished, but what truly matters is that we’ll be together. 

I decided not to tell him anything about my trip. It’s kind of rude, I know, but I’m definitely not trying to torture him. If I’m being honest, I just can’t wait to see the look on his face, always full of love and lighting up when his eyes land on me, especially after some time apart. And I can’t wait to have his arms around me, holding me tight against his warm and broad chest.

Three days later...

It’s finally here! Today’s the day. I’m already on the plane, 10 minutes away from landing in Seattle. I am so anxious, my stomach is flipping. I’ve got jitters just thinking about how close I am to seeing him. I swear I feel like a teenager on her way to meet her crush all over again. Help!

I’m bouncing my leg nervously, as I look through the window, watching the city come closer and closer in sight. When we finally land, I swear my legs tremble like jelly, I can barely stand up for a few seconds. It’s almost hilarious. I mean, he’s my husband and I feel like I’m about to go on a first date or something. I love how we still get this feeling about and around each other. 

Once I check out, I call an Uber as I go wait outside the airport. In less than 20 minutes, I’ll be entering the arena. Oh God, the chills running through my body just thinking about his warmth enveloping me. 

The Uber arrived in no time and the trip down to the arena was quicker than I expected. Thankfully though! The anticipation is killing me! 

I step out of the car, thanking the driver before he drives off. I reach my phone so I can pay for the ride, and give him a tip as well because he was so nice the whole time. When I’m done, I stare at the gigantic building in front of me, taking in the sight before texting Nattie, who was my inside girl. 

“I’m outside!” I write, barely holding onto my phone as my hands shake nervously. 

A few seconds later, it beeps, signalling a new message. “Don’t move! I’ll be there in 5. So exciteeeeed!”

I smile as I read Nattie’s text. Of course she’s excited, she’s all about surprises and parties and helping out her friends. I love her, she’s a great friend, I just wish I could see her often. 

“GIRL!” I hear her voice coming out of the building, making me turn as I spot her running towards me with a huge smile on her face. “How are you? I missed you so much!” She squeals excitedly, pulling me into a hug. 

“I missed you too, Nattie! And I’m better now that I’m here.” I admit, feeling myself blush a bit as we pull back and she fully faces me.

“Yeah, now that you’re about to see your man, you mean.” Nattie teases playfully, shooting me a knowing grin and earning a genuine laugh from me. “Let’s go inside.” She says, wrapping her arm around my shoulders and leading me through the front doors. 

We walk through God knows how many halls, carefully so Elias doesn’t spot me earlier than expected, until we finally arrive at the women’s locker room. As we step inside, all eyes turn to us. Some of them, I already met, the others I haven’t but Nattie quickly solved that problem by introducing me to everyone. And they are so nice! 

“Don’t be nervous! Elias will love your surprise.” Alexa said. 

“I bet he misses you so bad, he’s going to loooooooove it.” Nia replied.

“He won’t even see it coming. I want to see the look on his face when he sees you!” Lana added. 

Everyone was trying to support me and calm me down, I guess my nerves were that palpable. But being with them, eased me off. I’m feeling so much better, and I’m so ready to see my man. 

It’s been almost 2 hours since I’ve arrived. Raw is halfway through and we’re watching Elias’ segment. My stomach twists in nervousness from both his segment and our imminent encounter. God, I truly missed him. 

I watch him intently as he plays his guitar in the middle of the ring, only to be interrupted by Randy Orton who proceeds to attack him. They engage in a rough fight, making my heart contract in fear for Elias. I’m always so scared he’ll get hurt. He’s been there before and it wasn’t easy at all. 

The match finally ends. I look proudly at Elias through the screen, he’s all sweaty and there’s a bit of blood on his forehead but... I am so proud of him. All of his hard work is finally paying off. He so deserves everything good this world has to offer. 

“It’s time!!!” Nattie yells, clapping her hands enthusiastically, snapping me out of my thoughts. “C’mon (Y/N)!” She insists, extending her hand to me. I take her hand before getting up and following her lead. “Charly texted me, Elias is getting his forehead looked at by the medics, so we’re waiting for him outside the examination room.” 

“Okay, let’s go!” I say, taking a deep breath.

She squeezes my hand a couple of times as we walk towards the room, shooting me a couple of reassuring smiles along the way. Five minutes later, we arrived at the door signaled as examination room. 

“Now we only have to wait.” Nattie smiles, sighing deeply. I could tell she was also nervous for our encounter. She’s so sweet. “It will be great! I can’t wait!” 

By my count, it’s been 10 minutes since we got here. I’m getting super worked up, definitely not liking this delay at all. What if something was wrong with him? What if the cut in the forehead was more than a mere cut? I am getting even more nervous. 

Sensing my uneasiness, Nattie pulls me into a hug. “Hey, it’ll be ok. Sometimes these things take a bit longer than we’d like to.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m just worried about him.” I mumble softly. “And I truly miss him.” 

“I know you do. He’s just seconds away, though.” She encourages, smiling widely as she pulls back and faces me. 

Suddenly, the door opens, revealing an exhausted and shirtless Elias, with his gaze glued to the ground as the palm of his hand is connected against his freshly stitched forehead as if relieving some of the pain. I can also see some red and purple-ish spots on his abdomen and his pecs. He really took a huge beating. 

“That’s my cue. Bye.” Nattie whispers to me, managing to leave without Elias noticing neither of us.

“Surprise!” I shout, for some reason really shyly.  

His gaze moves up in a fraction of seconds, shock written in his features as he stares down at me, his mouth hanging open. His eyes are shining, filled with emotion and love. I feel my own get blurry with unshed tears.

“What-? I mean, how did you-?” He tries to ask, unable to form a complete sentence. I bet his mind is running a thousand miles per hour. “Nevermind, come here, baby.” 

He takes a step towards me and I meet him halfway, launching myself at him, carefully so I wouldn’t hurt him, and hugging him tight, wrapping my arms around his waist, as if my life depended on it. He quickly envelops me in his arms as well, wrapping them around my shoulders and pulling me to him tightly. 

I can feel him taking in my hair’s scent as he kisses it a couple of times. That makes my insides flutter. He misses me as much as I miss him. How difficult it is to find someone who is on the exact same page you are. I am so goddamn lucky.

“Happy anniversary, baby.” I whisper against his chest, then planting a kiss right on the same spot. “I missed you so much.”

He pulls back slightly, resting his wounded forehead against mine. “Happy anniversary, love.” Then, he presses his lips to mine, slowly and gently, pecking me repeatedly. “It means a lot to me that you’re here, (Y/N). You have no idea how much.”

“Wherever you are, that’s where I want to be, Elias.” I reply, in all honesty. “Wherever you are, that’s home to me.” 

“I love you so much.” He sighs, hugging me again. “Every day that I spend with you just shows me that I made the right choice when I asked you to marry me. You’re my girl, and you’ll forever be my girl.” 

“And I made the right choice by saying yes.” I smile widely at him, once we pull back. Then, he lets out a weird laugh, so I raise my eyebrow in confusion. “What?”

“You know… I kind of got the feeling that you didn’t care that I couldn’t be home today.” I’m about to interrupt him, but he doesn’t let me. “I know you care, but I was just… angry for failing you, and then you just acted indifferently, and it kinda stung.” 

“I knew you weren’t feeling good about canceling our plans, I knew how much you wanted to be home, and I didn’t want to make you feel worse. It wasn’t your fault, and I bet you were feeling guilty. That look on your face right there tells me I was definitely right.” I chuckle, and he smiles back, as blush creeps up his cheeks. "I didn’t act indifferently.” I assure him, resting my hand on right above his heart. “I was destroyed inside, Elias. I missed you so much, and all I wanted was to have you for myself and myself only for a whole night.”

“You can have me, baby. Anytime, I’m yours. Only yours.” He reassures me, pecking my lips again. “I’m sorry I failed you, though. I really wanted to be with you, at home.”

“I know you did. That’s why I came up with this magnificent plan of coming all the way down to Seattle to surprise you.” I laugh, feeling really proud of myself. 

“Yeah, about that… How did you pull this off in like… what? Three days?”He asks genuinely curious and amazed by my idea.

“I sat on our sofa for almost two hours, surrounded by my phone, my notebook and my laptop. I called Nattie and she also helped me with some of the details. It was hard, I’m not going to lie, but I’m stubborn, so yeah.” I sum it all up really quick, so I wouldn’t let it slip that I had one more surprise. 

“You’re very stubborn.” I cut him off by smacking his arm playfully. “And intelligent, and pretty, and everything good in this world and I can’t imagine my life without you.”

“Good, because I’m not going anywhere.” I whisper, feeling myself blush a bit as I get on my tiptoes so I could kiss him properly. 

“Speaking of which, I’m really tired and I have a hotel room waiting for us.” He informs, looking much more relieved and happy now. 

“About that… I’m not going to your hotel room.” I say, watching his face fall. “But neither are you.” This time, it’s his turn to look confused. “With Nattie’s help, I got us a really special hotel room, so we could celebrate properly.”

“You got us a suite?” He asks incredulously. 

“You’re goddamn right I did. A master suite, with a king size bed. Champagne, strawberries and chocolate waiting for us.” I can tell by the look in his face that his mind is already wandering in dangerous places. And I love it. “And a little bonus, that I think you’re going to love, considering you’re so sore: it has a jacuzzi.” I add teasingly. 

“Oh great. A jacuzzi, I think you’ll find it very helpful too by the end of the night.” He replies, his voice laced with desire and love.

“Yeah? How’s that?” I tease him back, biting my lip. “You’re going to wear me out? Get me sore?”

“Oh, baby girl, I’m going to make you feel so good, I’m going to show you how much I love you. I’ll be giving my wife the anniversary present she deserves.” He starts, whispering into my ear. “And then, I’m going to hold you tight to me and sleep peacefully with you in my arms after we’re all worn out and sore. When we get up, I’ll get you in the jacuzzi and I’ll massage your shoulders and your back. Or maybe we’ll go in for another round before we get up and then we’ll get to the jacuzzi.” He informs, lust filling his eyes, his tone so low, that it had me clenching my thighs together. Of course he noticed. “Already ready for me, baby?” 

“I’m always ready for you. So can we go?” I stutter, knowing I sound really ablaze and unsettled but that’s the truth, I can’t wait to be alone with him. 

“I can’t wait to get my hands on you either, baby. So after you.”

Give me some feedback please?

Also follow up?

[wedreamedlove]

[Confessing Voice]

"Under the glimmering lights I was only watching your radiance. I'll place everything I wish to tell you in this song."

This is doing a rerun on the ENG server so what better time to post a translation on it than now? Maybe it'll encourage people to get the card. But I'm also curious about what people feel regarding the differences between the versions.

Does the Asian version seem more quiet with charged undertones while the English version is more physical? It reminds me of reviews I've read about different actors' takes on the Phantom of the Opera lol.

NOTE: This is the JP version with CN subbed lines because I needed to keep the literary reference with the song he sings.

[True Love Date]

I was meticulously checking the first broadcast of Miracle Finder for the New Year in the editing room.

It was an important broadcast related to our sponsors and our ratings this year. I looked over the show's contents with especially strict eyes.

Editing Staff: We've edited this 12 times already...

Everyone's line of sight gathered on me. They were waiting for me to give the OK.

MC: I think it's good this time. We're done with this!

Cheers rose. Looking at everyone who worked hard through consecutive all-nighters I felt bad.

MC: Good job everyone. I'll be generous with the project rewards so look forward to that!

Editing Staff: President, the person we need to thank the most is Professor Xu Mo.

I showed a confused expression.

Editing Staff: I secretly contacted Professor Xu Mo when we kept on redoing this. He gave me a lot of advice even though he was busy...

I looked at my phone screen in surprise. Two weeks earlier---

~~~

His face crossed my mind when I was troubled over this current project.

My hand moved on its own to call Xu Mo. It started to become a habit to contact him whenever I had problems.

Xu Mo picked up after several rings.

MC: Xu Mo? Are you busy right now? There's something I'd like to ask you...

Static crackled from the other side of the call. After a while, I heard Xu Mo's voice.

Xu Mo: I'm sorry but lately... I've been busy.

His tone was calm but also distant. It wasn't from exhaustion. I felt a coldness from somewhere.

MC: Don't worry. It wasn't anything serious, so...

Xu Mo: Mm. If it's nothing then I'm going to end the call.

MC: Okay...

Xu Mo didn't say anything further. That was more than enough to make me feel the distance between us.

MC: Wait!

MC: Um... you might be busy, but take care of yourself. Bye bye.

Just when I thought there was rough breathing it suddenly fell quiet. Hearing a monotone beeping, I came back to myself. Xu Mo had already ended the call.

MC: Did he hear my last words...?

Looking at the ended call I was struck by a strange feeling.

Maybe I was thinking too much? His words and speech was cold like never before.

MC: What am I thinking? Xu Mo is just busy...

Although I tried telling myself that I couldn't help but feel uneasy somewhere.

I shook my head and drove away my negative emotions. I relied too much on him. This time I needed to solve things by myself.

Editing Staff: ---President, President? Are the credits good like this?

I returned to the present after being lost in my thoughts. The words "Program Supervisor: Xu Mo" on the credits roll jumped into my eyes.

MC: W-what sort of advice did Professor Xu Mo give? Um... how did you get him to help? When was that?

Editing Staff: It was about 2 days ago. We were editing until 4AM but still had to redo everything... It was when you fell asleep on the sofa.

Editing Staff: After I called Professor Xu Mo, he asked me what happened to you, and I replied you were sleeping on the sofa.

Editing Staff: Then he ended the call saying he was busy. But the next morning an email arrived with detailed advice...

Editing Staff: The strange thing is that he wrote for me not to let you know. But you've found out already, so it's fine, right?

I wondered why Xu Mo helped when he had refused once.

(Why did he say not to let me know? Is there a problem if I know about it...?)

I also didn't understand the reason for Xu Mo's sudden coldness.

For a while there were no replies to my texts and his lectures were on break too. It was like he was distancing himself from me on purpose.

My heart clenched when I thought this.

Editing Staff: President, why don't we invite Professor Xu Mo to our New Year's party this time? He looked like he enjoyed our year-end party a few days ago and he helped us out this time too...

I said this while looking at the New Year's party notice I sent to everyone.

MC: He... seems to be busy, so he might not come.

Editing Staff: But he came to the year-end party even though he was busy, right...?

I hurried out of the editing room as if ending the topic.

On the day of the New Year's party, I came with everyone in the company to a newly opened high-class karaoke box in Lianyu City.

It was an elegant, modern, and spacious reserved room. A white grand piano and guitar were placed in front of the karaoke machine, and beside that was a small stage.

I checked my phone's text messages over and over again. A message from 3 days ago remained there.

Text: Xu Mo, my company's going to have a New Year's party at Petrichor 3 days later. If you'd like, why don't you come?

Text: You looked like you enjoyed singing at the year-end party a while ago, so I thought I'd invite you this time too. But if you're busy then please don't hesitate to refuse.

Even though the message was definitely sent there was no response. I sighed with worry and disappointment.

Yue Yue: President, why have you been staring constantly at your phone? Work is done for today!

Yue Yue quickly stole my phone, randomly touching the screen, and then placed it in front of herself.

MC: Hey, my phone...

I stretched out my hand but Yue Yue pushed a set of cards to me.

Yue Yue: You don't sing, right? Then let's play cards!

The company members around us gathered in interest. I had no choice but to pass the time playing cards with everyone.

Xu Mo's house---

The phone rang and a message arrived. It was from [NAME].

Xu Mo hesitated slightly and then picked up the phone. However, the message was just numbers and letters and he didn't understand what she wrote.

What was this? Xu Mo's expression became severe.

He searched on the internet and tried various methods but he couldn't decipher it. He felt a sense of frustration.

He wondered why she had sent this message.

Was she angry at being treated coldly? Or was it a demand for a reply to her New Year's party invitation...?

Xu Mo dialed her phone from his landline. However, only an automated voice saying "This phone has been turned off" came.

Xu Mo: What is wrong with me?

Xu Mo: When did I start caring about these conventions?

For a while, Xu Mo stared at the message which came from the girl 3 days ago. It was written with her usual detailed and kind words.

At the beginning, his objective was just to get close to her. But the closer he got the more he was drawn to her for some reason.

Xu Mo: Didn't I already decide to leave her life?

Why did he help her again even though he refused her once? Why was his heart unsettled from this incomprehensible message?

The intense pain in Xu Mo's heart insistently told him the reason. That over there was an answer he couldn't escape even if he desperately averted his eyes.

The moment the door to the karaoke room opened Xu Mo faintly understood the answer.

That he couldn't leave her.

~~~

MC: Xu Mo! You came?

Her clear eyes widened roundly and she looked at him. The person reflected in those eyes was him alone.

Xu Mo suddenly placed a hand on his chest. A thin thread was tightly squeezing his heart.

He sighed.

Forget it, he would be foolish once more with this foolish girl.

Xu Mo entered the room and sat beside her naturally.

MC: Weren't you busy?

MC: Erm, nevermind. You didn't reply so I didn't think you'd come.

Even under the dim lights he could clearly see her emotions.

There was joy and doubt.

He swallowed back the words he was about to say and softly stroked her hair.

Xu Mo: Sorry. I couldn't get through to your phone so I came here.

MC: You couldn't get through?

She looked down and searched the top of the sofa before showing him the phone, biting her lip awkwardly.

MC: I accidentally turned it off...

Xu Mo smiled lightly with some exasperation. Light and shadow were jumbled together in his eyes.

Xu Mo: Silly.

She gave a pure laugh and then, covering her face, her eyes darted around.

MC: Were you worried about me?

Xu Mo: Yes.

Xu Mo approached her and nodded without hesitation.

Yue Yue: Huh? It's Professor Xu Mo? President, you should have told us if the professor was coming.

MC: Uh... that's because...

Xu Mo: I heard everyone was having a New Year's party so I came without an invitation. I'm not interrupting, am I?

Yue Yue: No way. I was moved when I heard you singing at the year-end party. Everyone wants to hear it again!

Yue Yue said this and then ran back to the stage again to sing enthusiastically with Anna.

Xu Mo: Why aren't you singing together with them?

MC: Huh? I... don't sing much.

Xu Mo: I know. But I'd like to hear it.

My face turned red at Xu Mo's unexpected words.

MC: You're planning on teasing me again, aren't you...

The corners of Xu Mo's lips rose and then he sighed.

Xu Mo: It's true I was worried about you. It's also true that I want to hear you sing.

Xu Mo: Everything is true.

His casual words resounded in my heart more than any other noise in the room.

Yue Yue started singing a sad love song with Anna who was still on the stage.

Anna: Did you really throw away those glittering days...

Yue Yue: I had many dreams in those long nights. Don't remember me. One day you will also know pain...

Xu Mo looked at the words showing on the screen. The flickering light was reflected in his eyes.

The lively karaoke party on top of the stage repeated and, below the stage, everyone else amused themselves with games.

Seeing that Xu Mo had come everyone persistently invited him to join their game.

Gu Meng: Next is the improved version of Spin the Bottle! Whoever this beer bottle points to has to answer everyone's question. If they can't answer with the truth then as penalty they need to drink all this alcohol!

When Gu Meng clapped her hands the editing staff carried over a tray with five cups of whiskey.

Colleagues: This is overdoing it!

Looking at the lined up drinks, I became worried. I would get drunk from just one cup, so if I drank them all I might collapse.

That reminded me, I hadn't seen Xu Mo drink before. I looked at him inquisitively.

Xu Mo nodded and patted the back of my hand.

The beer bottle began to spin and then pointed at Gu Meng.

Yue Yue: Do you have someone you like?

Yue Yue, who had joined the circle at one point, began the questions. At that first question... everyone's eyes gathered on Gu Meng.

Gu Meng glared lightly at Yue Yue and then reluctantly nodded.

Cheers rose. Gu Meng spun the bottle as if trying to avenge herself. This time the bottle pointed at Xu Mo and stopped.

Yue Yue: Professor Xu Mo, is there someone you like in this room?

Gu Meng: How about trying another question?

Yue Yue: That's why I said "in this room"!

Xu Mo smiled and nodded decisively.

Xu Mo: There is.

That answer was so surprisingly clear that the area became quiet. After that cheers exploded and Gu Meng whistled.

My heart was already racing the second Yue Yue asked that question.

The person Xu Mo liked was in this room... My ears turned red and my mind went blank.

I unconsciously brought my hand back but Xu Mo grabbed it firmly.

Xu Mo: Why is your face red?

MC: Erm, uh... it's because of the drinks!

Xu Mo: But... it doesn't seem like you've drank anything yet.

MC: Umm, it's because it's hot then?

Looking at me as my voice gradually became smaller, Xu Mo chuckled beside my ear.

Yue Yue: Okay, next is Professor Xu Mo again!

The beer bottle pointed at Xu Mo again and stopped. This time Gu Meng restrained Yue Yue and asked a question.

Gu Meng: Who is the person you said you liked?

Everyone held their breath and stared at Xu Mo.

My heart wouldn't stop pounding. I looked down and reflexively pulled back the hand that was held by Xu Mo.

Xu Mo smiled, as if he understood something, and drained the drinks one after another.

Everyone was a bit disappointed and began to spin the bottle again.

I secretly glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. He looked drunk and even his ears were red.

MC: Xu Mo, are you okay?

He nodded his head and brought his lips to my ear. His hot breath and the smell of alcohol drifted around me and it felt ticklish.

Xu Mo: I'm fine, although... you still owe me an answer.

MC: I...

I was at a loss for an answer and, at last after panicking, I fell silent. I just concentrated on touching my hair and hiding my discomposure.

Maybe it was because of the drinks or maybe the atmosphere of the place, but Xu Mo became talkative and his eyes were hazy.

Yue Yue: It's finally the president's turn!

Yue Yue and Gu Meng exchanged looks and then came up to me together.

Gu Meng: Who's the person important to you? Please be specific.

MC: How come I'm the only one who has to be "specific"?

Yue Yue: You have to keep to the rules. It's useless to try and run!

The person most important to me--- I looked at Xu Mo shyly and then breathed in deeply.

MC: That person showed me a world I didn't know about until now.

MC: He's warm but not oppressive. He's calm but not melancholic. He's a person that's like a clear sky and a deep fog.

MC: He also notices the slightest change in my feelings and taught me the laws of this world.

MC: Whenever I'm lost he leads me forward with a gentleness that surrounds me.

I sunk into my memories and continued to talk by myself, not noticing how beside me Xu Mo placed his glass down, furrowed his brows, and bit his lip...

MC: He is... a very, very important person to me.

Finished talking about my heart, I gave a deep sigh.

Colleague A: For the president to talk so passionately means that "man" isn't here, right? If he was here, then you wouldn't say this, huh~.

Yue Yue: I wanna know who it is!

MC: Hey now! Enough with the chatter, let's move on...

Everyone unanimously guessed at the "man" I talked about. Xu Mo remained silent and raised his glass, taking a mouthful of his drink.

Despite the game resuming Xu Mo seemed strange somewhere. It was like his cheer up to now had disappeared.

MC: Maybe he's drunk? He drank a lot earlier...

MC: I've never seen him drunk. I'm sure it'd be cute.

I stood in front of the sink, thinking about how he'd look drunk, and giggled.

~~~

The moment I stepped out into the hall to return to the room my arm was suddenly grabbed by someone. I was held against a sturdy chest with a force I couldn't fight against.

I was dumbfounded. The scent of summer grass and the smell of faint alcohol surrounded me.

When I came back to myself I was held tightly to Xu Mo. My back was against the wall and one of my arms was caught by him.

MC: Xu Mo...

My heart raced and I didn't know what to do.

Xu Mo looked at me with empty eyes.

Xu Mo: Is that person so important to you?

MC: Huh?

Xu Mo: Tell me. Who is that person?

Xu Mo suddenly came close, speaking in a censuring tone.

(Hold on. Didn't he hear me talk? Or... did he misunderstand?)

I looked up at Xu Mo. Complicated emotions that seemed about to overflow even now were being restrained desperately in his eyes.

MC: You've got it wrong...

Xu Mo: Tell me...

Xu Mo came even closer. The scorching heat of his presence enveloped my surroundings.

It was the first time I saw him with such a scary look. It was so surprising I had no idea what to do. I stared into his eyes and said this.

MC: It's you.

MC: ... The "man" I was talking about is you, Xu Mo. You're my important person.

Xu Mo's eyes became dazed for a second. The smell of alcohol disappeared.

MC: I was talking about you. But... it looks like I caused a misunderstanding...

Xu Mo regained his calm and quietly released my arm.

Xu Mo: I'm sorry. Did I hurt you?

MC: A little...

Xu Mo looked down and rubbed gently at my arm. I couldn't see his expression but his warmth reached up to my ears.

When we returned to the room everyone was still excited. My heart raced just from remembering what happened earlier.

Pressing on my chest, I told myself to "calm down". Then, so that he wouldn't drink any more alcohol, I secretly pulled his glass in front of me.

Yue Yue: President, you never sing, right? How about singing 1 song today at least?

Yue Yue held out the mic to me.

MC: Erm! I'll pass...

I looked at Xu Mo and nervously declined.

It wasn't that I was bad at singing. It was just that I wasn't prepared to sing in front of Xu Mo.

Yue Yue: If the president won't sing then I'll have Professor Xu Mo sing!

Hearing that, everyone became even more enthusiastic.

Xu Mo, who was looking at me, nodded. I also wanted to hear him sing.

He gave a soft smile and, holding a glass, went to the stage.

It was at that time that I finally noticed him wearing a black turtleneck and dark purple scarf.

The speckled lights shone on him and how he had a hand casually placed in his pocket. A languid and alluring atmosphere was brought out.

Xu Mo set his glass down. Then, after thinking a little, he came to me and nonchalantly took my hand and returned directly to the stage again.

He wasn't using a strong force, but there was a sense of pressure that brooked no refusal.

Before I knew it, he slotted his body against mine and placed his chin on my shoulder. The aroma of the alcohol mixed with a refreshing fragrance which was like grasslands after the rains stopped.

Xu Mo: What would you like to sing?

MC: ... Do I have to sing?

Xu Mo: I want to hear you sing.

MC: You won't be shocked after hearing my singing, right?

I raised my head and said this, pursing my lips.

Xu Mo: Then... why don't we try it?

His mouth came close to my ear and he said this in a low voice. I nodded in a dazed manner with a mind gone hazy from the alcohol.

Xu Mo operated the karaoke machine and a mellow melody rang out.

His palm covered my hand. It was a large hand which seemed to cover my hand and the mic together.

Something like a weak current seemed to run through my entire body from his dry palm...

His eyes stared straight at me... straight into the depths of my heart.

Something like a decision was reflected in those eyes.

Xu Mo: When I fall in love, it will be forever.

It was a low enrapturing voice, like a late autumn wind or the swelling night ocean. He sang with his heart in it.

That voice knocked on the door to my heart.

Memories came into my mind one after another.

The first time we met and his beautiful face under a dazzling light. The time we met in a movie theatre at midnight. That golden-colored picnic. That rainbow after the rain lifted...

All those memories rode on that singing voice and slowly flowed throughout the sparkling room.

MC: And the moment---

MC: I can feel that you feel that way too---

As we sang we came even closer together and our hands continued to remain touching.

From the beginning until the end, Xu Mo looked at me with a constant smile and eyes that held expectation.

Xu Mo: It turns out a song can be this short.

The song ended and we got off the stage.

MC: Xu Mo, you really do sing well!

Xu Mo's lips curved and he said this with mischievous eyes.

Xu Mo: Oh? Can I believe... the words of a little liar?

MC: Huh, what do you mean?

Xu Mo: I was actually looking forward to your shocking singing.

I remembered how I said earlier "You won't be shocked after hearing my singing, right?" and my face turned red.

MC: Who asked you to believe in that...

Xu Mo: Then what else have you tricked me on?

Xu Mo flicked my forehead with a finger.

MC: Um... before I said you didn't have to come if you were busy, but to be honest I really wanted you to come.

I looked at Xu Mo and, while thinking this and that, spoke awkwardly.

Xu Mo was surprised. Flickering light surged up violently in his eyes and I saw him swallow, Adam's apple bobbing.

MC: What's wrong?

He gave a long sigh and then spoke in a voice even lower than earlier.

Xu Mo: I won't do that anymore.

He looked apologetically at me.

Xu Mo: Why won't you ask if I've ever tricked you?

I blinked.

MC: Um... of course I know that you've tricked me.

Xu Mo: For example?

MC: You were clearly drunk earlier even though you said you weren't drunk. Even more, you misunderstood me...

Looking at her grumble, Xu Mo was a bit surprised and he laughed quietly. Then he drew in the glass beside his hand and drank a mouthful.

His mind was hazy. Her smile and the spotted lights swayed in front of his eyes.

He thought about how he was surely drunk. But that was fine. Being drunk was better.

The music could continue, the drinks could continue.

That way he could tell himself this. That he was taken in by this atmosphere and the alcohol. And that's what these gentle feelings and hesitation resulted from.

Xu Mo raised his glass and drained it all at once.

~~~

DATE DIARY

Everyone worked really hard for the first show of the new year. Finally, after it took shape, I learned that Xu Mo helped. I thought he had refused to though... Why?

On that day, if I remember correctly, I asked for Xu Mo's help but he refused me coldly. Why did he help me again at the critical moment? I don't really understand Xu Mo.

I thought Xu Mo wouldn't come to the New Year's party but he came on the day of. He said he became worried because I didn't answer my phone. During a game of Spin the Bottle, Xu Mo confessed for the first time that he had a person he liked.

I also talked about the person most important to me. But, because Xu Mo was drunk, he seemed to misunderstand that. I'm someone who rarely sings in front of others but for some reason I ended up in a duet with Xu Mo. There was joy in his eyes.

[myhockeyworld87]

Nervous Regrets - Tyler Seguin - Part 19

Word Count: 3614

POV: Tyler

Warnings: language

Notes: Sorry this took so long, it was suppose to be posted yesterday and what can I say, things got hectic. It’s the holidays and unfortunately that happens more than I’d like. Hope you guys enjoyed your Thanksgiving holiday if you’re in the US; and that you got lots of Black Friday shopping done. As always feedback is welcomed. Peace Love and Hugs All! Also I posted this from my phone, because I still have internet problems, I’ll get the keep reading in there later when I can put it on my laptop.

TYLER’S POV

You had no idea what had gotten into you the day before, but as you drove to the airport the entire day replayed in your head. An overwhelming need to make (Y/N) yours had just overcome you. Deep down you knew she wasn’t leaving, that she would never cheat on. All you can say is that when you saw Jamie’s hands on her baby bump you lost it. Speaking of Jamie, you owed your friend an apology; so, as you boarded the plane, you took a seat beside him.

Jamie, raised his eyes at you; as you sat down. “Look man, I need to apologize for yesterday. I was a complete ass.”

“You think?” It was a deserving response. “Wanna talk about it?”

“I don’t even know where it came from, just know it wasn’t you.” You blew out a breath. If you were going to talk to someone about it; it might as well be Jamie. “I don’t like leaving her, you know?” He nodded, though said nothing. “I’ve been scared to death ever since the accident. Like I’ll just wake up one day and she won’t be there.”

“Tyler…”

You stopped him. “Let me finish. I know yesterday it was completely irrational, but when I saw you touching the baby; I just snapped. And not that you would ever take (Y/N) from me, I know you wouldn’t do that, and neither would she. It’s just someone could you know.” Jamie gave you that glare, the one that said you couldn’t be more wrong. “I know, I know. It sounds crazy.”

“Yes, it does. That woman is crazy about you Segs. She just lights up when you’re in the room.” A smile touched your lips as you thought about coming up behind (Y/N) and wrapping your arms around her. She truly did glow when that happened. “And you know I’m teasing when I say, I’m going to take her away from you.”

“I know and its fine, it truly is.”

“As long as you know I’m just kidding with you.” You did. It was other people you worried about. That she’d go back to work and some high-profile client would whisk her away; or she’d meet some guy at the damn coffee shop or something. Someone who was probably way more deserving of her, than you were.

“I was a damn wreck last night.” A quizzical look crossed Jamie’s face. “You know, when (Y/N) and I were.” You shrugged giving him that you know what I mean look.

“Woah Seggy, I don’t need to hear about yours and (Y/N)’s sex life.”

“Don’t worry I’m not giving you all the details or anything. It was just….nevermind.” Why you were even confiding in Jamie about any of this, you didn’t know.

“Just tell me Segs. You know you can tell me anything.”

You hesitated, then decided this was one of your best friends and well you needed to hash this out. “It’s a bit embarrassing.” Dropping your voice down to a whisper you said. “I cried. Like full on sobbed.” Jamie looked at you, no judgement in his eyes; just concern. “We were in the middle of…it. And I made her promise to never leave me. Then I lost it when she did.”

You could see Jamie struggling with finding the right words to say. “Look man, I’m not going to pretend to know what you’re going through, because I can’t. What I can say, is that it’s normal. Segs, you guys have been through a lot. I mean like a lot of shit. It’s not surprising that you’re feeling this way. I think things are just finally catching up with you.” When you didn’t say anything right away, Jamie continued. “You know, she’s finally going to games and doing stuff with all the girls. The two of you officially moved back in together, in a new house. It’s kind of natural that your mind would be waiting for the shoe to drop per se.”

You let Jamie’s words absorb into your brain. He was right, everything had been going so well; you just figured something bad was bound to happen. But there was something more, something that was off or missing. “Maybe you’re right; I am waiting for the something to go wrong.” Replaying the events of last night again in your mind, something stuck out; that overwhelming need for her to promise to never leave you. It hit you then, you knew exactly what both your mind and heart needed to be confident in your relationship with (Y/N).

“Oh no, I’ve seen that look before. What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking I just solved all my problems.” Jamie waited for you to continue. “I’m going to ask her to marry me. Like officially ask her, with a ring and everything.”

“Well it’s not the craziest thing you’ve ever said to me; and she did agree to the house. Which I never thought would happen. So, what’s the plan?”

“I don’t know. I just decided that was the answer.” You’d made mention of marriage before, she’d always said you needed more time; but after yesterday, you didn’t think that time was much of a factor anymore. “Well I need to get a ring first.”

“Well, that shouldn’t be hard; you’ve been looking since you met her.” It was true; there would be times a couple months after you started dating that your eye would be drawn to rings in the jewelry store. You actually had one in mind; though you didn’t know if it existed. It wouldn’t take much to contact your jeweler and see if it could be made.

“You’re right, I do know what I want. Ok, so let’s assume that part’s done. When do I do it, Thanksgiving, Christmas?” Christmas would be far off, but you could have all your family there; you knew (Y/N) would like that.

“Do you know nothing of women? For as many as you’ve dated in your life, I would think you would have somewhat of a clue.” You gave him a look, now was not the time to be talking of all the conquests you’d had in the past. Not when you planned on spending the rest of your life with the only woman that mattered, (Y/N). “You can’t ask her on a holiday. Women want it to be something special, a day that’s only for them. That they can gush to all their friends about.”

Jamie was right, you needed to make this special for (Y/N). You wanted it to be a day that you told your children about. “Ok, you’re right Chubbs.” A plan started to formulate in your mind. “I think I’ve got an idea.” The rest of the flight you and Jamie mapped out the perfect proposal. All that was left, was to set it into motion.

Conveniently you were headed to Toronto, so you were able to snag an appointment with the Jeweler when you landed. By the end of the meeting, he had the ring of your dreams down on paper. If it turned out half as well as what he drew, it would take (Y/N)’s breath away. The biggest problem now, was that it wouldn’t be done for a couple weeks. Which meant, that with your schedule; you wouldn’t be able to propose until the first week in December. While it was somewhat disappointing to wait that long; you felt a weight lifted off of you knowing that plans were set into motion.

It was hard to contain your excitement when you facetimed (Y/N) that night. “Hey baby, how was the first day back to work?”

“Exhausting. I forgot how many interruptions happen during the day at the office. I seriously got more done working at home.”

“Awww, I’m sorry hun. I’m sure everyone was just excited you were back.” She chuckled a bit at that comment. “You know I missed you when I left today. I think I got used to you being at home.”

“Honestly, I missed being there. And I miss not being there in Toronto with you and the family.” There was a frown on her face. You knew she would’ve traveled to Ontario with you, if she hadn’t been off work so much. “How is everyone? Did you tell them I missed them?”

You had told them much more than that, but (Y/N) didn’t need to know that. “They’re great. They all miss you as well. Mom went crazy and bought a bunch of baby clothes. They probably won’t all fit in my suitcase.”

“Oh my god, show me.” Switching the camera around on the phone, you took each outfit out of the bag letting (Y/N) see them. “Awww, that’s so cute…Oh I think that one’s my favorite…No, it’s definitely that one. I’m going to send her out a thank you card tomorrow for them.”

Camera facing you now, you told her, “Babe, you don’t have to do that. You know she’s in her glory buying these things. She also said she mailed you something called a Boppy. It’s some kind of pillow for you to sleep with. I told her that was totally unnecessary as you have me.”

She laughed, the sound was music to your ears; it made you long to hold her in your arms. “I totally wanted one of those.” You frowned at her words. “It’s for when I’m like super pregnant. You probably won’t want to touch me then.”

“I doubt that. I want to touch you all the time. I can only imagine how sexy you’re going to be all round with our baby inside you. I’m not going to be able to keep my hands off you.”

“Oh stop, you’re just trying to make me feel better.”

“I’m not. You have no clue how fucking much it turns me on.” You were being one hundred percent sincere with her. Even now, though her bump was small, it was a huge turn on for you. Thoughts of (Y/N) being heavily pregnant with your baby, just sort of made you want her even more. “Oh and before I get to turned on, Cass and Candance are thinking of coming down to visit in a couple weeks; if you’re ok with it.”

“You don’t need to ask me to have them come.”

“Yes, I do, it’s your house too.”

“Well our house is always open to your family. I love having them here and this time we’ll actually be able to do things; as long as work doesn’t get in the way.”

She seemed down on work today. You knew it was only her first day back; but you found yourself saying. “You know, you can always quit, if you want.” It was never a topic that you’d brought up with (Y/N); though you hoped she knew it was an option.

“You think I should quit?”

From her tone you couldn’t tell if she was upset at you for suggesting it; or totally intrigued by the idea. “Look, only if you want to. I know you like having your own money and all; I guess I’m just thinking down the road, you know when the baby is born. Are you going to want to go back to work after that?”

By the look on her face, she was truly grappling with that question. “I mean we haven’t really talked about that yet. But I would like to stay with the baby at least a little longer than the six weeks the company gives. But you could be right, I may not want to go back at all.” She was thinking some more. “I have a hard-enough time leaving the dogs with a sitter; I don’t know how I’ll be leaving the baby with someone. Oh, fuck this is a problem.”

You laughed at her. “Well you wouldn’t be leaving the baby with a sitter all the time. I’ll be there from time to time. Look babe, you don’t have to make a decision now. Just know it’s an option. You can quit whenever you want. As for the money situation, we’ll work that out. Just think about what you want to do. You’ve got options.”

“I know and thank you, for loving me and letting this be my decision. Did I tell you yet how much I love you?”

“I’m pretty sure you haven’t mentioned that just yet. But I love you as well and miss the hell outta ya.” If she quit, she could be here with you now, or at least the next trip that you’d be making here. It would now be an idea you’d push for whenever you got the chance.

“I miss you too. It’s weird being in this house alone. Especially since we only got to spend a couple nights here together.”

“Awww, is someone lonely.” She shook her head yes. “I wish I was there babe. This long road trip is killer, but I know how we could pass the time.” You wiggled your eyebrows suggestively at her through the phone.

“Tyler Seguin, you’re incorrigible.”

“And yet you still love me.” She rolled her eyes at you, but was smiling the whole time; that was until you saw her wince in pain. “Babe are you alright? Is it the baby?”

She laughed then and some of the tension you immediately felt subsided. “Only this baby.” She turned the camera at Gerry, who had evidently jumped up on the bed and was now sprawled out across her legs. Gerry looked as happy as could be. “His nail dug into me. When’s the last time you had them trimmed?”

“What, is that suppose to be my job now?” In all honesty, you couldn’t remember the last time.

“No worries I have appointments for them this week, so I’ll have it done then.”

Since the opportunity presented itself, you said. “See hun, it’s a full-time job just taking care of me and the dogs.” It couldn’t hurt to plant little seeds here and there, about quitting work.

“Trust me, I know it is. But on that note, you have a game tomorrow and I still have work.” You frowned at her, it seemed like the two of you just got to talk; you weren’t ready for her to hang up just yet. “Make sure you call me tomorrow before the game.”

“You know I will babe, but do you have to hang up just yet? Can’t we just fall asleep together on the phone like old times?” When you had first started dating and would be on a road trip, it was something that happened almost every night.

She snuggled down into the covers of your new bed, then held the phone close to her face. “I think I can manage that. As soon as these three decide where they’re going to sleep.” You watched the dogs settle down, then settled yourself under the duvet.

“You’re so beautiful (Y/N).” It was true, you’d always loved seeing her like this; no makeup, hair in disarray, just lying in your bed. “I love you so much.”

“I love you more.” She blew a kiss at you through the phone, then closed her eyes. Soon the sound of her even breaths lulled you to sleep.

In the morning, when you woke, the phone was buried somewhere in the sheets and it took a minute to find it. You went to morning skate, then met up with the family for lunch; where you all mostly talked about your upcoming engagement. They wanted to know every detail, which was difficult since there was still an enormous amount of planning to do. It was your mom who pointed out one huge flaw in your plan. “Have you asked (Y/N)’s dad if you can marry her?” Your face must have given away your answer, for in her next breath she said. “Oh Tyler, how could you forget something so important?”

“It wasn’t like I forgot; I just haven’t done it yet.”

“Oh please, don’t try and fool us. You forgot, plain and simple brother.” Why did Cassidy always have to point out your mistakes?

“How am I going to ask him?”

“I would start with, ‘Can I marry your daughter?’ but that’s just me.”

“You’re such a smartass, Cass. What I meant was when am I going to get the chance? I’m on the road for the next what seven days; then her parents are on some trip that they won or something. I’m cutting it close on time.” Their blessing was important, not only to (Y/N) but to you as well. “Do you think it’s something you can ask over the phone?”

“If that’s your only option, then I think that’s what you should do; and soon darling. I’m sure you’d planned on them being there as well.”

Your mom was right, you had planned on her whole family being there; along with your friends. “Then it looks like I’ll be making a phone call later.” After the game, you found yourself pacing back and forth in your hotel room; while everyone else was out grabbing a few beers, your family included. This was the most nervous you’d been in a long time. It was kind of like being in a game seven, with a tied score and you have a penalty shot coming up. No pressure there. All sorts of thoughts ran through your head. Should you ask both her mom and her dad? What if they said no? Which would be a totally valid answer after everything the two of you had been through. There was only one way to find out.

Hitting the facetime button on your phone, you waited patiently as the call connected. “Tyler, son, how are you?” Mr. (Y/LN)’s faced popped up on the phone all cheerful, which you took as a good sign.

“I’m doing well Mr. (Y/LN) and yourself?” God you sounded so formal, but then you supposed this was a formal occasion.

“Oh I can’t complain. Great win tonight, I’m surprised you’re not out celebrating with your family.”

“Yeah, I actually wanted to speak to you and Mrs. (Y/LN) before that.” A bead of sweat ran down your face, and you swiped it away.

“Everything alright? Nothing’s wrong with (Y/N) or the baby?”

“Um, no sir. They’re fine. I just got off the phone with her actually and she said everything was great.” The conversation with (Y/N) had been short, since you claimed that you were going out with your family.

“Good. Hold on one sec.”

It took all of fifteen seconds for (Y/N)’s dad to find her mom, though a lot longer for them both to be seen on screen. “Tyler, so good to see you. How’s everything?”

“Oh it’s great Mrs. (Y/LN). How are you?” You were stalling, but then wasn’t it polite to at least make a little conversation with them first.

“We’re doing well. I talked to (Y/N) today. She said the house is simply gorgeous. We can’t wait to see it.”

“Yes, it’s really nice. You’ll have to come up soon and see it.”

“Oh we’d love that, maybe we can plan something for when we get home from this trip.” That timing would be perfect for what you had planned.

“Well speaking of that, it’s kind of the reason I’m calling. You see I wanted to do this in person and all; but given that I’m out on the road now, and you’ll be leaving soon, I didn’t know how to make that happen.” Finally, you stopped pacing and sat down on the bed. “Ummm…I don’t know how to say this. Look, I know I’m not the first choice you’d pick for your daughter, but I love her more than anything in this world. And I know I haven’t proven that in the past, but I plan on making up for that for the rest of my life.” Maybe you should’ve practiced this beforehand, because you weren’t sure you were saying all this right. “What I’m trying to ask is….Would you be willing to give me your blessing to marry your daughter? I mean I don’t even know if she’ll say yes, but nothing would make me happier than if she did. I really want us to be a family and I’m promising you now that I will do everything in my power to make her the happiest woman alive.” You realized you were babbling a bit on that last part, but you wanted them to know how important (Y/N) is in your life.

“Well, it took him longer than I expect.” Mr. (Y/LN) was looking at his wife when he spoke, but then he turned towards the phone. “You have our blessing son.”

“Welcome to the family.” Mrs. (Y/LN) added. It all went much smoother that you anticipated, especially with (Y/N)’s mom.

“Thank you, thank you so much.” You hadn’t realized that you were crying until your hand went up and swiped at a tear.

“So, do you have a date when you want to ask her?” This from her dad, as her mom was wiping away tears as well.

“Actually I do, and I’m hoping your whole family will be there.” You spent the next several minutes explaining the elaborate engagement you had planned for their daughter; and at the end of the conversation, you were ready to start the next phase of your plan in motion.

[thewayiremember]

EPISODE 2

July 6, 09:47 AM

The official police statement is that I was found brutally beaten in a narrow alley near the movie theater I was supposed to be at around that time.

 THE THINGS I KNOW:

The movie was to start at 7 PM

Complete blackout

I was found at 11:40 by a woman, who when calling 911 reported she had found a dead body because according to her I wasn’t breathing and my body parts were not really where they should be, but thank God the paramedics who rushed to the place didn’t entirely believe her judgments. It turned out that she didn’t even get close to me because she was too scared, and from a distance, I looked much worse than I did in reality.

The police later found out by looking into the security cameras that I wasn’t present at the movie theater that night

The police are annoyed because they don't believe in my memory loss and think I just don’t want to tell them where I went that evening.

My parents don’t believe me either. They asked me about a thousand times now why did I lie to them about going to the movies. Well, we don’t know if I lied to you, do we? To confirm that, I would have to KNOW that, and I DON’T KNOW that. Thanks for being supportive and not making me feel guilty.

  It’s ridiculous to talk about. It’s ridiculous to even write about. But it is true, I did travel back in time. I keep having flashbacks of a teenage girl yelling at me that if I don’t do anything it will be my fault and that I need to go back to the day that it happened. But WHAT happened? I think her name was Nora? It all feels like a memory long forgotten.

I’ve been avoiding thinking about it because every time I do my stomach drops. I don’t want to get involved, I don’t care. Why should I? It’s not my fault I don’t remember. I want to be a dentist, not a detective. And I’m not a kid anymore who’s excited to run around the city solving mysteries. I don’t care about what happened to me. I'm fine! Stuff happens, let me move on.

11:30 AM  

I asked a nurse if she could give me some more painkillers today because I couldn’t bare staying in bed for another day. She said “No problem”, but I’m pretty sure she gave me some sugar-filled pills since I don’t feel any better. Nice try, lady!

Apparently,I'm the only one who didn’t know this place had a cafeteria downstairs because when I went there people were having a legit breakfast party. It was too loud,so I ordered a coffee to go and took off immediately. Where do all those people get their energy from so early in the morning? Oh, coffee, probably. Nevermind. I went to the mini-park instead. Nice benches, nice grass, nice… fence? Yeah, I don’t have anything to say about this park. It’s nice cause it’s at the back of the hospital, so you can’t really hear any cars driving by. Yeah, that’s what I call a smart design, that’s it, right there.

I haven’t heard from Bobbie and Nicole for seven days now. They went camping on some kind of meditation program that Bobbie was really excited to go to and he tried everything to make us go with him. I don’t know how he managed to bribe Nicole into this, but there just wasn’t a chance that I’d spent a whole week without my phone or Internet whatsoever. So maybe that’s just karma that got me beaten for turning my back on a friend. Nah, I’d probably ruin the experience for Bobbie with my moodiness anyway. I like to think that I’m letting them gather their energy back that they lose by putting up with me. It’s a good thing. I’m a good friend.

They should be back by 7 PM. Today. They don’t know what’s happened. I mean, me neither, but I need to give them some kind of explanation. Do I prepare them first, somehow? Do I text them what happened, or do I wait till I’m back home tomorrow and we see each other in person? Do they want me to wait, or are they going to be angry that I didn’t want them to visit me here? Because I think I don’t. It’s depressing in here. People get triggered by hospitals. They get all miserable, it gets awkward, they don’t know what to say because they feel the need to feel sorry for everybody. And I don’t want to be felt sorry for. I’m fine.

Telling them thatI had a car crash crosses my mind for a second. That way I would skip the uncomfortable part of losing my memory and they could tell me all about their boring trip, that I’m actually weirdly keen on hearing. I kind of miss interacting with people. I know I always say that I love being alone, and I still stand by it. I recharge by being alone. But let me tell you, this place has recharged me pretty quickly. Or has it completely drained me and it’s not the lack of interaction itself that I miss, but just the lack of interaction with healthy people?  Yeah, I can’t tell.

3:10 PM

Nathaniel, buddy, my hospital bestie, did they treat you good today? Are you comfy, do you need me to adjust your pillow? Here, let me… Better? Yeah, it is. Sorry I haven’t been around that much this morning, but do you remember when I told you that I wanted to explore this hospital some more before I leave? Yeah, and I’m leaving tomorrow morning, so, today had to be the day. Did you know there’s a mini-park at the back? And somewhere above us, there’s also have a mini-church. And when I say church I mean a room with a hanging crucifix on the wall. I’ haven't found any mini-synagogues or mini-mosques, though. Are you religious? Probably not. But how do you feel about Christmas?

Oh yeah, I talk to him like that. I just googled how likely is it for an unconscious person to hear me, and it said there’s a 25% chance. I’m doomed. I must look like Kathy Bates in “Misery” to him now that I think about it. When you wake up and you want to fill a lawsuit against me… I’ll be waiting.

I was out of bed for 4,5 hours and I’m completely exhausted. Is that how elderly people feel all the time? I hope not. I was planning on being an active senior. That’s how I see myself in 50 years. Hiking, biking, maybe even running. I’d be the coolest grandpa.

8:30 PM

I just took a 3 hour nap. Great, good luck falling asleep tonight. I’m looking around the room to see if I have to start packing today, but I guess I don’t have that many things here with me anyway, so, I’ll leave it for tomorrow. My mom is picking me up at 11 AM so I’ll have plenty of time to do it. If my last morning blood test results are all good that is, but I’m sure they will be.

I just got a text from Bobbie. Here’s the screenshot:

BOBBIE: Guess who’s back! Come over and don’t forget to bring your PJs. I promise I won’t be boring you with any meditation stories. Nicole said she won’t be attending my Sleepover Night because apparently, she’s tired of sleeping with me.

ME (wanting to sound neutral): Sounds great, but I can’t. See you tomorrow?

BOBBIE: What’s wrong?

God, he’s annoying. Of course he knows there’s something wrong.

ME (trying to keep it real but not reveal where I am so that he doesn’t get a wrong impression and think that I’m dying): Nothing serious, stop worrying. I’m free after 12, you down?

BOBBIE (thinking I need a lecture from him): Every time you have a problem you stop talking to me? Have you noticed? You avoid me until you solve it alone and you’re able to just tell me all about it afterward. Include me in the story sometimes.

But yes, I’m down, after 12 it is.

Yes, I have noticed. And I wouldn’t include him this time either, but since the story of why I woke up in the hospital isn’t over yet, I kind of have to include him, don’t I? I don’t want them to make a big deal out of it and I know they will. It’s not THAT serious. I’m fine!

[choicesfanatic86]

TTS:  Part 12 (Liam x MC)

DISCLAIMER:  All characters belong to Pixelberry Studios, except characters unique to my story.  Those belong to me. ;)

PAIRINGS:  Riley (MC) x OC, Riley (MC) x Liam, Liam x Riley (MC) x OC, Olivia x Drake, Bertrand x Savannah, Maxwell x OC

SUMMARY:  Riley hit the stop button on her relationship with Liam 2 years ago, so why does she feel like all she did was press the pause button?

If you are new to the series and would like to catch up by reading previous parts, please check out my master fan fiction listing.  CATCH UP HERE

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If you want to be added to the tag list so that you an be notified when new parts of the series are released, please let me know, and I will add you to the above list.

IMPORTANT - if I have you tagged above, and you aren’t getting notified, please let me know.  I think I‘m tagging everyone correctly, but if it’s not working, I may have to figure out a new way to notify everyone. Well guys, Part 12 is here.  I spent about 12 hours working and reworking this part until I was absolutely sure I was happy with how it turned out.  I hope you enjoy it!  Please let me know if you have any questions or suggestions.  Without further ado . . .

PART 12 - Hitting Un-Pause

Bertrand and Savannah bid the others farewell as they made their way over to the VIP area of the derby.  Maxwell had decided to pass on viewing the races from the King’s tent because he said he didn’t want to leave his two favorite ladies to wander off and get lost in the hustle and bustle of the races.  Riley knew otherwise.  She saw how closely Maxwell sat next to Andy in the limo.  She also saw how, when he thought no one was looking, he’d sneak a quick glance in Andy’s direction, just to see what she was doing.  He was smitten, and he wanted to spend every chance he had with Andy.  Riley was thrilled that they seemed to care for one another.  Even though it had only been a few days, Riley had a sneaking suspicion that this was more than just two people who instantly hit if off . . . these were two people . . . who . . . if Riley wasn’t mistaken. . . were falling for one another.  

The trio walked around to the back entrance of the derby, Maxwell leading the way.  He had said that he wanted to make sure that Riley felt comfortable.  Despite having heard that things related to the scandal had been long since over, she was still a bit wary of the nobles and the possibility of being spotted by some member of the press.  She didn’t want her face splashed across the Cordonian paper.

“Don’t you think this is a bit much?”  Andy asked.  “You heard Bertrand in the limo, no one cares about what happened way back then.”

Riley sighed; she knew the walk was longer and especially difficult in heels when going through the back route.  Plus, Andy wasn’t getting to experience the full experience of what a Cordonian derby was like by walking in with the other hordes of people.  “I’m sorry . . . I just don’t want to risk running into anyone.  I know that the drama with the scandal is over and done with, but my drama with you know who is not.  The last thing I want is to run into him . . . again.”  She added for good measure.

As they made it to the back entrance, they saw Hana waving them over.  “Ah, there she is,” Maxwell said.  “Thank you for letting me know about the back entrance, Hana.  It definitely came in handy.”  He greeted her with a hug.  “Plus, it made me feel like a bit of a spy for a moment,” he laughed.  

She smiled cheerfully.  “Oh, it was nothing,” she waved off his praise.  “When you’ve been to enough court functions, you start to know how to sneak around the system a bit.”

Riley reached out to hug her, also thanking her gratefully.  “I truly do appreciate this Hana.  I just wasn’t ready to face the crowds of nobles.”

Hana nodded understandingly.  “You don’t ever have to do anything you don’t want to, Riley.  It’s all on your terms,” she patted her on the shoulder before turning to greet Andy.  “Well, I’ve scouted out some seats that I think we’ll be safe in away from any prying eyes.  Follow me,” Hana said.

In true Hana fashion, she had found the perfect seats.  They settled into the seats located at the farthest corner of the arena, away from where many of the other noble families had chosen to sit.  They’d still have a clear view of the races, but be out of public eye.  Riley sighed in relief, grateful to be out of sight.  She hoped that it would stay that way for the rest of the derby.  Her eyes scanned the track, looking to see if the race was about to begin, that’s when she saw him.  She wasn’t even looking for him when her eyes landed on him.  Isn’t it funny how that works?  You do your best to avoid something, and then it’s just there.  She squinted a bit wondering if her eyes were playing tricks on her.  Squinting only made her more certain that it was him.  

“He’s here,” she whispered to Andy.  Riley pointed down to the edging of the racetrack where there was a large white tent set up with chairs and tables scattered around it.   “He’s wearing the white turtleneck,” she whispered.

Andy squinted, trying to get a better look at him.  “Wow.”  She said softly.  “How you’re even able to recognize anyone that far away is beyond me,” she laughed.

Riley now felt a bit foolish.  She shouldn’t be thinking about him. She shouldn’t even be looking for him.  She sighed, trying to turn her attention back to waiting for the races to begin.  Race after race finished, and the group of friends chatted about different subjects, mostly about the upcoming wedding and how exciting it all was.  

Remembering their arrival at the Beaumont House the day prior, Hana apologized once again for Neville’s behavior.  “Speaking of the lovely couple  . . .” she began, “I just wanted to apologize again for Neville’s awful behavior yesterday.”  She bowed her head in embarrassment.  “I’ve never seen him act so boorish,” she replied sadly.

“Hana, there’s nothing for you to apologize for . . . if anything, that pretentious dingbat should be the one apologizing,” Riley explained.  

Andy chimed in, “Of course he’d probably never do it because he probably doesn’t even think he did anything wrong,” she sighed.  “Hana, you told us you’d talk to us more today about your engagement,” Andy said.  “That you couldn’t talk about things with Neville so close?”

Hana nodded, “Oh yes,” she remembered.  “There’s not much to tell except that my father thought of Neville as a particularly strong match, what with his experience in business.  My father thought he’d be a valuable resource as a son-in-law.” She explained.  “Nevermind the fact he was an awful person,” Hana frowned.  “My father was so approving of the match, I couldn’t dare tell him how much I despised Neville,” she looked at her friends sadly.  “I had already tried to talk to my mother about it, thinking that she’d be a bit more understanding about the situation, but my concerns fell on deaf ears.”  She said.  “So when he proposed, I had to say yes, otherwise I’m certain my parents would have disowned me.  They said another broken engagement would only bring shame to their household, and would also be held as a personal stigma against me.”

“Oh, Hana.”  Riley cried.  “That’s terrible.”

“It is, but I’m trying to make the best of it,” she sighed softly.  “I’ve been planning to go stay with my cousin in Shanghai when wedding plans start to pick up speed,” she explained.  “At least in Shanghai, they won’t bother me as much,” she said matter of factly.  “Plus, my travels there would once again delay preparations for the wedding,” she smiled.

Riley nodded, trying to grasp the situation that Hana had found herself in.  Here it was 2018, and Hana was still fighting for the basic right to choose her own future.  Riley bit her tongue, not wanting to upset her.  Maxwell, on the other hand, couldn’t help but speak his mind on the issue.  “Don’t your parents care about your happiness?”  He fumed.

“Of course they do . . . they just want to reap the benefits of my happiness in the process,” she sighed.  “The only problem with that is . . . I’m just not happy,” she shrugged.  “Neville makes me miserable.”

“Hana, we want to help.  How can we get you out of this marriage?”  Andy asked concerned.

“There’s honestly nothing you can do,” Hana shook her head sadly.  “I just have to focus on breaking free from Neville, and I’m sure I’ll be able to work out the rest.  My cousin in Shanghai and I are starting a small business,” she said excitedly.   “It’s a fashion-based business where you can sample clothes over the internet made by small-time designers,” she explained.  “I’m hoping that we can make it successful enough so that I don’t have to rely on my parents anymore.  Then I’ll be able to break things off with Neville for good,” she smiled.

“But Hana, won’t your parents figure out what you’re trying to do?” Maxwell asked.

“They’re so involved with their own business affairs, that they don’t even have time to bother with me.  All they care about is that I have the perfect match, which in their eyes, I’ve already achieved.  Now that Neville’s in my life, they don’t care what else I do with my time as long as I go through with the wedding,” she explained.  

Riley tried to unsuccessfully hide the sad look of pity on her face.  This wasn’t the life she had wanted for her sweet Hana.  

Seeing Riley’s face, Hana tried to comfort her.  “Don’t worry, Riley.  As sad as it sounds, I have no intention of marrying Neville.  He is a means to an end, and as soon as I am able to make it on my own, I’ll be ending the engagement, and then I’ll be free to live the life I truly want to lead,” she smiled hopefully.

Hana seemed to have everything figured out. Riley was a bit worried that her plan would backfire, causing more problems than anything else, but if she knew one thing about Hana, it’s that she was successful in everything she put her mind to.  Hopefully, getting out of her engagement would be no different than all of her other accomplishments.

A few races later, Riley needed to make a trip to the ladies room.  She excused herself from the group, and tried to remember the back route they had taken to get to their seats.  Searching for a bathroom was a lot more complicated than she had anticipated.  First, she couldn’t find the right corridor, then, once she did find the right area, there was a slight line, and she didn’t want to be recognized.  Riley held herself off to the side, waiting for the line to get shorter when she felt a jab on the back of her shoulder.  She whizzed around searching for what had caused the offending tap.  As she turned around, Riley found herself face to face with fiery red hair and livid green eyes.  

“Well, well, well,” Riley closed her eyes slowly sensing the impending trouble that was about to ensue.  “Look what the cat dragged back in,” Olivia said spitefully.  

For a moment, Riley contemplated biting back at her, but she was fearful that getting into things with Olivia in the middle of the corridor would draw unnecessary attention to herself, so she tried to deflect.  “Olivia, as nice as it is to see you again,” she tried to say, “I really have to get back to my seat now,” Riley pleaded, forgetting her need to use the bathroom.  She was desperately trying to avoid the start of a scene.  She tried to walk away, but Olivia persisted, blocking her as she went to leave.  

“Oh no you don’t,” she growled.  “There you go again, running a way,” she rolled her eyes.  “Is that what you Americans do best?  Run away?”  Olivia spat.

Riley clenched her jaw, her hands balling into fists at her side.  “Olivia, I really can’t get into this with you now,” trying once again to get past her.

Once again, Olivia pivoted, blocking her way.  “What’s the matter Riley?  You don’t want to talk to me?”  Olivia sneered.

Riley closed her eyes again, trying to collect herself.  ‘Well, Olivia, as always . . . time with you has been rather . . . interesting,” she rolled her eyes, finally gathering the courage to push past her.  Olivia looked as if she were going to start in on Riley again, but became distracted with something behind here.

“LIv . . .” she heard someone yell behind her.  Riley turned, watching Drake jog over, a look of alarm on his face.  “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Olivia muttered, not making eye contact with him.  Drake turned to Riley, “Everything okay?”

“Peachy,” Riley snorted, turning to walk away.  “Can you call off your guard dog?” She asked sarcastically.

“What did you say?” Olivia asked, her voice filled with rage.

“Liv, that’s enough okay? Back off,” he scolded.

Olivia ignored him, still riled up.  “I wonder what King Liam would say if he knew you were back in Cordonia,” she called out.

Riley’s mouth dropped open, surprised.  Catching herself, she sucked in a deep breath.  She turned around to walk back to Olivia and Drake, clearly agitated by the red head’s comment.  

“What did you say?” Riley said angrily.

“You heard me . . . wouldn’t it be interesting to find out what dear Liam would think about having you back in our fine country?” She cackled.  

““Olivia . . . “ Drake said threateningly.  

“No, Drake, it’s fine.  I got this.”  Riley got closer to Olivia, mere inches from her face.  “Go ahead and tell him, Olivia.  But I wonder how interested the press would be in a story about an ongoing affair between one of Cordonia’s duchesses and the King’s best friend,” she snipped.

Olivia looked momentarily stunned at Riley’s accusation, but she recovered quickly.  “This isn’t over, Riley,” she whispered as she narrowed her eyes, walking off before hitting Drake with her shoulder.

He sighed, rubbing the spot she had hit.  “I’m sorry about that . . .” he started.  

“Well, she’s s prickly as ever,” Riley said sarcastically.  “Is that what gets your rocks off, Drake?” she griped.  Riley knew it was a low blow, but she had tried to defuse the situation with as little confrontation as possible, Olivia just wouldn’t quit.

Ignoring Riley’s snarky comment, he shook his head.  “Forget about her for a minute, okay?” Drake said shortly.

“It’s kind of hard to forget about her when she pretty much just threatened me, Drake,” she replied, just as short as he had been with her a moment ago.

“Lawson . . . “ he tried as Riley stormed off.

“Drake . . . now’s not the time okay?”  She walked off, heading back to her seat, thoroughly annoyed.  She and Olivia had never particularly gotten along, but she liked to think that while on the engagement tour they had developed a sort of understanding for one another.  Clearly, that understanding was gone.  She sighed, knowing that she was probably acting that way because of him.  She returned to her seat sulking, irritated that she hadn’t been able to use the bathroom.  Half an hour later, Riley tried to go to the restroom once again, this time finding it a lot smoother.  When she was done in the restroom, she saw Drake leaning on the wall outside.

“Think you have time to talk now?” he asked, sitting next to her on the bleachers.

“Depends, do you have whiskey with you?” She smirked.

He sat down next to her breathing deeply.  “I’m sorry about Olivia, she’s really not angry at you.”

Riley raised an eyebrow at him.

“Okay, well maybe she’s a little angry,” he sighed.  “She was just being Olivia,” he shrugged.  “She’s really protective of Liam, and well, she wasn’t exactly happy how things had ended between the two of you.”

Riley narrowed her eyes at him.  “I’m sorry if my heartbreak was inconvenient for Olivia,” she snipped.  

Drake lifted his hands up, not wanting to upset her.  “I’m not saying she’s right, I’m just trying to explain things from her perspective.”

Riley snorted.  “I never thought I’d see the day where Drake Walker defended Olivia Nevrakis.”

“Yeah, well.  You’re the one who keeps telling me that things change and life moves on.”  He rolled his eyes.  “Anyway, I didn’t want to talk to you about Olivia.  Whatever is going on between the two of you, that’s your deal.  No way am I going to get in the middle of that,” he said.  

“What was it that you wanted to talk to me about, then?” Riley asked.

“Last night, when we were getting pretty wasted, I finally had the courage to tell you something that I’d wanted to tell you for months.  Hell, almost a year.”

Riley started to look concerned.  “Drake, if this is about –“

“Let me finish, Lawson,” he said firmly.  Riley stopped herself, biting her lower lip. “I wanted to tell you something about Liam last night, but you told me that you didn’t need to hear it.  It bothered me all night that you didn’t want to hear it.  I should have just said it anyway,” he started to daze far off at the racetrack, gathering the courage to continue.

Sensing his hesitation, Riley put her arm around his shoulders.  “Drake, I told you already . . . it’s not important.  I don’t need to know anything.  I’m fine, really, I am,” she moved to stand up, to end the difficult conversation, when he grabbed her arm forcefully.  She winced, surprised by his sudden grip around her arm.  

Seeing the wince, he loosened his grip around her arm.  “Riley, I said to let me finish,” he spoke a bit louder and rougher this time.  She pulled her arm gently away from him, rubbing the area where he had grabbed her.  

“Okay,” she whispered softly, suddenly intimidated by the seriousness of his tone.  She swallowed thickly.  He had used her first name.  Drake never called her by her first name.  She looked into his eyes seeing a mix of desperation and hope.  He was starting to scare her.  What could he possibly have to say that hasn’t been said already?

“I know I told you that Liam never stopped loving you, and I like to think that you could possibly feel the same way.  I know you’re with some other guy back in New York.  He sounds okay.  I’m sure he’s nice enough and he makes you happy . . . but he’s never going to be Liam.   You know that right?  You guys . . . there was always something special between the two of you.  You were it for each other.  I knew it that night in the bar.  I knew that nothing would ever be the same in his life because he had met the girl he was supposed to spend the rest of his life with.”

Riley started to wonder if Drake was drunk or if he had gone just a bit mad.  He wasn’t making any sense . . . he was rambling, and she didn’t know where he was going with the conversation.  It was really starting to worry her.  “Drake, are you okay?”  She paused, carefully trying to choose her next words.  “I don’t understand what you’re trying to say.”

“He’s divorced, Riley,” he said simply.  

Riley was quiet for a moment, taking in the words that Drake had just uttered.  

“Look, I’m sorry.  I know you said it wouldn’t make a difference, but I had to let you know . . . unless you knew already and – “

“I didn’t know.” She cut him off.  “When . . . when did this happen?”  She asked.

“Almost a year now,” he shrugged.  “They were never really married to begin with.  They had the wedding, which he almost didn’t go through with, but it wasn’t a wedding about love.”   Drake sighed.  “They’d lived two completely separate lives.”

She suddenly felt a bit wobbly on her feet.  She had wished it was because of the mimosas, but she knew it was because she was startled by the news.  “What am I supposed to do with this information, Drake?”

“Whatever you want,” he shrugged.  “I just needed you to know.  It wouldn’t be fair for you not to know.”

“Why?” She asked.  “Why now?”

“Because you were wrong last night,” he said.  She opened her mouth to object, but closed it, waiting to hear him out.  “What I had to say could change your future . . . you just have to let it.”

She bit her lip, taking all the information in slowly.  She was angry.  What was she supposed to do?  Did the divorce change anything?  Did it change how much he had hurt her all those years ago?  Did it change the fact that she had fought like hell to rebuild her life?  Did it change the fact that she had a wonderful man waiting for her at home?  She didn’t know.  

“Drake, I don’t know what to say.”  She shrugged.  “I wish I did, but I just don’t.  So this is what’s going to happen,” she said.  “I’m going to go back to our friends, and I’m going to try my best to enjoy the rest of the derby.  You’re going to go back to our seat, too, and we’re not going to talk about this again, alright?”

He nodded, somberly.  “I just had to tell you.”

She didn’t respond, she just turned to walk away and headed toward the area where she had been sitting.  back to wear she was sittig.  She went back to her seat next to Hana, plastering a fake smile on her face, not wanting to hint that anything was amiss.  Hana, Andy and Maxwell were chatting lively about the races.  She vaguely heard bits and pieces of their conversation, but really, she was lost in her own thoughts for the rest of the races.  She wondered why Maxwell hadn’t told her about the divorce,  or Bertrand even.  After all, Bertrand had no problem telling her about the resolution of the scandal.  She thought about it carefully, she had made it clear to every single one of them that she didn’t want to know anything about him . . . she couldn’t have it both ways.  She internally sighed.  Why was this bothering her so much?  Why did she suddenly care?

Riley was numb.  The ride back to the Beaumont Estate was uneventful, everyone enjoying the sleepy silence of the night ride.  Riley was thankful that no one was really talking.  She wasn’t in the mood to pretend to be interested in idle small talk, not when she felt as if her world were crumbling around her.  She rubbed her aching head.  She drank too much whiskey last night and too many mimosas during the day.  In retrospect, had she known the bombshell that Drake was going to drop on her, she’d probably pack a bottle of whiskey for her to have at the derby.

She needed to hear Paul’s voice.  Maybe he’d be able to talk some sense in her.  She half expected to get his voicemail again, but when the phone started to continuously ring, she smiled, thankful that at least something had gone right that day.

She heard the click at the end of the phone, and heard his deep voice answer.  “Hey, baby.”  

Riley smiled; it had been a couple of days since she had last heard his voice.  Just hearing the deep tone of his voice made her happy.  “You’re okay!” She exclaimed gladly.  “I have been trying to get in touch with you for the last two days, but I kept getting your voicemail,” she said disappointedly.  “I was starting to think something had happened.”

“I know Riley, and I did get your voicemails.  I meant to call you back but I couldn’t figure out the time differences.  Then I had to fly out to Boston again.  I’m living out of my suitcase, again.  Just bad time is all,” he responded.

“Oh?”  She questioned.  “I didn’t think you’d be back to Boston so soon.  Everything okay with the merger?”

“Maybe . . . I don’t want to jinx it just yet, but we might just be closing the deal by the end of the week,” he said cautiously.

“Paul, that’s amazing.  That’s such great news.  All your months of hard work is finally going to pay off,” she smiled.  “I’m so proud of you.”

“Thanks, Riley, but I don’t want to get my hopes just yet.  A lot can happen before the end of the week,” he said warily.

Riley sighed, relief washing over her.  She had been so worried that something had happened to him, when really he was just being his workaholic self.  She was so thankful that he was okay, and even more thankful that his time in Boston looked like it would be coming to an end.  The merger had been all he had been talking about for the last three months, and she was so happy that he was one step closer to finally sealing the deal.  “I know there’s a lot that can happen, but I have a good feeling about this,” she smiled at the phone.

Paul chuckled on the other end of the phone.  “What did I do to deserve you?”

Riley smiled, her heart skipping a beat.  “Oh, you know . . . everything.”  She flirted back.

He laughed, and she pictured his handsome face on the other end of the line.  “How are things going there?  Any more run ins with your old friends?  I know you were having some problems with that Drake guy.  Things get better?”

She hesitated, not exactly sure how to respond to his question.  She didn’t want to bring up the masquerade ball and how she may have been unintentionally flirting with a masked mystery man, who ended up being the ex-boyfriend she was so desperate to avoid.  She also didn’t think he’d want to know that said ex-boyfriend was now divorced.  Paul was a great guy, but she wasn’t sure that any man, no matter how kind and patient, would appreciate hearing about something like that.  

“Things have been getting better,” she said truthfully.  “Drake and I are on great terms again.  Nothing a little whiskey couldn’t fix.  Everything else is fine,” she murmured.  “Just missing you.”

He cleared his throat.  “Well, I might be able to solve that last problem for you.”

“Oh,” she asked.

“If all goes well with the merger, I just might be able to meet you in Europe,” he said happily.

“What?” Riley gasped.  “Are you serious?”  Riley could feel a knot forming in her stomach.  

“Yeah . . . the wedding’s on the 5th right?  It’s only the 19th.  If everything pans out how it should, it will be me and you on a European vacation.  Well, and Andy, if she doesn’t mind third-wheeling it,” he laughed.

Her heart started to beat rapidly.  This was a turn of events she hadn’t quite expected.  When she had asked him to come a week ago, she had genuinely wanted him to be her plus one.  Now that he suddenly had the opportunity to join her in Cordonia, she wasn’t exactly sure how to feel about it.  She was enjoying her time with her Cordonian friends, and although reliving the memories of what her life was like the first time she was here was painful, she had them to get her through it.  How was Paul going to fit into the equation?

She tried to put on an enthusiastic tone, hiding the uncertainty in her voice.  “Paul that’s really great news,” she said.  “How soon would you be flying out?”

“I’m really not sure,” he said, sounding distracted on the other end.  “It would be closer to May though.  I’ll have to check my schedule and let you know for sure later.”

“Well, just keep me posted,” she said.

“Of course,” he replied.  “Hey baby, I’m about to head back into a meeting, you think we can talk tomorrow?”

“Yeah, of course.  Good luck!”

“I love you, Riley,” he said genuinely.

Riley closed her eyes, still not able to bring herself to say the words she knew he truly wanted her to say.  “Goodnight, Paul,” she said softly, clicking the end button on her cell phone.

The fact that Paul had mentioned possibly coming to Cordonia had caused a sinking feeling in Riley’s stomach.  Was she ready to introduce him to this part of her past?  She had hoped talking to him would relax her enough so that she could fall asleep.  Yet, here she was, unable to sleep once again.  She wished she could blame the time difference, but she knew it was much more than that.  She had far too much on her mind, and she was having these awful internal battles with herself about what to do about Paul  . . .  and him.  Her mind wandered back to the derby, and what Drake told her.  Divorced.  He was divorced.  She sighed, wishing that Drake had never told her that piece of information.    

She couldn’t help but feel a bit sad for him.  No one goes into a marriage thinking they’ll get divorced . . . had he?  His circumstances were different of course; it was an arranged marriage, more like a business deal.  She knew he didn’t love Madeline.  Their marriage hadn’t had the foundation of love and respect that most had going into it.  His love was for Cordonia; his reason for everything.  His love was so strong that it made him sacrifice anything and everything that jeopardized its safety.  Riley knew the consequences of such a love.  She sighed.  Was she right?  Did this change anything?  She thought she knew the answer, now she wasn’t so sure.  Plagued with these endless thoughts, she decided to give up on falling asleep.  It was obvious that it just wasn’t going to happen just yet.  

She found herself on the veranda again, computer in hand, trying desperately to wear herself out just a bit more so that she could finally go to sleep.  It wasn’t working.  She scanned through more of her emails, excited about some of the upcoming events she had to look forward to when she returned to New York.  Alicia was handling everything like a pro.  It made Riley think that she could trust her with more responsibilities when she got back; maybe even bring her on as a full time event planner when she got back.  She thought of Hana starting her own business, and smiled.  She hoped it was a success.  She knew how hard it was those first few months, and she only hoped that her business would be successful enough so that she could truly follow through with her plan and break away from that awful Neville.  Maybe then her parents would see how capable and independent she was, and finally let her live the life she wanted to lead.

She heard the sliding door open and shut much like it did the previous night, and she couldn’t help but smile.  “Change your mind about that whiskey session?” she laughed.  “We’re getting a bit too old to be drinking into the early morning, Drake.”  She smiled as she completed the finishing touches on her last email.  “Okay, one drink to help me get to bed, but that’s it.  I don’t want another rough day tomorrow,” she yawned.  

“So it’s true, then,” a pained voice whispered behind her.  “You’re back.”  She stood up quickly, knocking over her chair in the process.  Having expected to hear Drake’s voice, she became startled when she heard someone else.  The same voice she had heard the night of the masquerade ball.  The voice she hadn’t heard in two years.  The voice she thought she’d always remember.  His voice.

Her eyes widened when she realized that it was him.  Her mouth parted slightly, her throat getting dry from the surprise of it all.  He stared at her intensely.  She returned his gaze.  As she looked at him, she couldn’t help but think how unfair time had been . . . if possible he had gotten even more attractive than she had last seen him.  His body was firmer, he had gained more muscle.  The sides of his hair had started to turn gray, most likely due to the stress and responsibilities of his role as King.  She’d be lying if she didn’t admit how sexy he looked.  He looked so handsome in his button down shirt, leather jacket and jeans.  Riley couldn’t remember a time when he had been so dressed down.  Yet here she was looking like a complete mess.  Her hair was knotted high atop her head, she was in a thin tank top and sweatpants.  The makeup from the day long since washed off.  She couldn’t help but suddenly feel so vulnerable.  She awkwardly covered her upper body with her arms, her eyes darting to the ground.  

“Riley . . .” he stepped closer to her; he looked at her as if she were going to disappear.

Riley licked her lips slowly, nervously.  She had been trying to avoid this moment since she had returned.  Strangely, she found herself torn.  Part of her, the rational part, wanted to run away.  The other part, the dreamer that was still deep inside her, urged her to run into his arms, hold on, and never let go.

Two years, Riley had hit the stop button on their relationship . . . but what if she had only hit the pause button?  Two years may as well have been two lifetimes ago.  They were two completely different people living two completely different lives.  Yet, here they were, standing in front of one another . . . so different, yet so much the same.  Suddenly, Drake’s words echoed through her mind again.  He never stopped loving you.  The question was, did she love him?  She had worked tirelessly to close out that part of her life, that she didn’t quite know how to feel.  Seeing him in front of her now had caused her world to turn topsy-turvy.  She stared at him for what seemed like hours, when really it was only a few seconds.  She turned away, overcome by the emotion of it all.  “Liam,” she whispered softly . . . realizing then that in this moment, the pause button on their relationship was going to be un-paused.

[frogsandfries]

It feels like everything sucks

It feels like my art means nothing even to the one person other than myself that it should mean some small thing. Like, I've got the job. We wouldn't have the apartment if I didn't have the job. If I didn't have the job, we wouldn't have the apartment.

Apartment=Job.

Job=Apartment.

Keeping this apartment, nevermind keeping the job, hinges on me. Getting evicted is not nbd.

But I'm not doing enough because I figured, fuck it, the paperwork is done. Everything else will kinda take care of itself. Eventually, I'll figure out how to organize the kitchen, the laundry will get picked up and put away. We've got like a week to get things out of the storage bin and hand over the keys.

I get that we live in the desert. I get that it's hot. That's no reason to get fucking heat stroke. That's no reason to get a sunburn and worse. We may only have until nine in the evening, but we could arrange to move things much earlier, in the cool hours of the evening.

My partner also likes to walk with traffic, in the road when there's no sidewalk. With his, er, creative logic, his tunnel-visioned ways of perceiving situations and trying to solve problems, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. But I'm absolutely annoyed.

And I'm not sorry that, yes, in my uncertainty at how long we're actually staying, existing in a state of limbo on the job situation, I want to be absolutely, extremely careful. I don't know how much each check is going to be. I don't know how much electric, gas, internet, and rent are going to take up. This whole thing wasn't originally meant to hinge on having two incomes, but I guess I should just go get a second job. I mean, after all, the art is useless. I'm never going to have a career revolving around my art, I'm never going to get a booth anywhere selling merchandise featuring my illustrations. I obviously need to just trade my art time so that I can make money.

Clearly, this is what I've been doing wrong since I quit college. Clearly, if, when I had to drop out, I'd taken up eighty hours of work each week, instead of just forty; clearly if I'd just kept those two jobs to this day, obviously I wouldn't have struggled these last five years. Clearly if I hadn't wasted time on making any kind of art, today, I still wouldn't have an art career, but I'd finally be financially better off than my dad.

That's all that matters.

My happiness doesn't matter. Striving to build some kind of portfolio. Striving to build a body of work that I'm consistently happy with. Art doesn't matter. The only art that matters is the watered down shit that corporations deign to pass down to the masses. If I'm not getting every dollar sunk, every hour sunk, back double in the first quarter, obviously I should just trade it out for a second job. Obviously I'm not doing enough, least of all if I work from the time I get out of bed until I go back to work.

I'm exhausted. Maybe when things even out, things will be better. But I dunno........ I'm kinda sick of all of this....... I've got a week and a half to find out whether or not I actually have the job............ I just want to focus on some more designs before I go back to working fulltime. I wouldn't have chosen fulltime ever again. It's too much for me. Maybe there's just something wrong with me.

Maybe I just have no interest in wasting my life away for someone else when I have so much to contribute. But maybe it should matter that no one wants to hear me. Maybe it should cause me to fail silent and give my whole, entire life over fully to the rat race. After all, only men get to waste their lives in front of video games. Women should waste their lives working four jobs.

Don't mind me, I'm just rambling bitterly.

[goodra-king]

Transcript of How Reducing Friction Increases Revenue

Transcript of How Reducing Friction Increases Revenue written by John Jantsch read more at Duct Tape Marketing

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John Jantsch: This episode of the Duct Tape Marketing Podcast is brought to you by SEMrush. It is our go-to SEO tool for doing audits, for tracking position and ranking, for really getting ideas on how to get more organic traffic for our clients competitive intelligence, back links and things like that. All the important SEO tools that you need for paid traffic, social media, PR, and of course SEO. Check it out at semrush.com/partner/ducttapemarketing, and we’ll have that in the show notes.

John Jantsch: Hello and welcome to another episode of the duct tape marketing podcast. This is John Jantsch and my guest today is Roger Dooley. He is the founder of Dooley Direct. He’s an author and keynote speaker and he’s got a new book called Friction: The Untapped Force That Can be Your Most Powerful Advantage. So Roger, thanks for joining me.

Roger Dooley: Well, thanks for having me on, John. I’m excited.

John Jantsch:  Let’s start with friction. The word friction, I mean for a lot of people that’s kind of a bad thing. I mean, friction in science is … causes drag, friction in business makes it hard to buy. You’re proposing that it is somehow and advantage.

Roger Dooley: Well if you … it is usually a bad thing, but that means that if you can eliminate it, you will have an advantage over your competition. I mean if you look at what Amazon has accomplished in the last 20 years, much of that has been by reducing friction. Back in 1997, Jeff Bezos was talking about frictionless shopping when most companies were just thinking about getting serious about being online. And throughout the years he’s made that just a point of relentless emphasis. Even things like packaging. About 10 years ago they saw the customers were struggling with these packages. Like if you go to Walmart, buy a product, it’s probably in one of these plastic blister packs. But you see the product and they look nice, they prevent theft because they’re hard to put in your pocket and walk away with, but they’re difficult to open. You may need tools, you may injure yourself by stabbing yourself with sharp plastic. And so they said, “Hey, we can eliminate that.” And they created frustration free packaging. And not only did people like the packaging, the reviews on those products improved. They had 73% fewer negative comments just from that change in packaging. And so eliminating friction can be a big competitive advantage. It isn’t just big companies because often big companies are the slowest to respond. So a smaller company that sees how they can make things a little bit easier for their customers can get that advantage.

John Jantsch: Yeah. And I must admit that my wife will be reading a magazine and she’ll say, “We should get this and,” and it says the website and all that stuff, and I go straight to Amazon and see if they have it because I know it’s going to be really easy for me to get it.

Roger Dooley: Well you and me both. John, just a few years ago, my loyalty to Amazon was tested because up to that point, in Texas, they were not charging sales tax. Then they worked a deal with the state where they would be charging sales tax, which meant that all of my Amazon purchases immediately had an 8% price increase. And I assumed that my behavior would change because of that. In fact, it changed almost not at all. And because of what you’re saying. It’s just so easy, why would I want to go someplace else, deal with setting up an account to have some sort of uncertain shipping process where they say it’s going to be seven to 10 days and … when I know with one click I can get it from Amazon and it’s going to be my doorstep 48 hours later without fail.

John Jantsch: So you mentioned the bigger companies, it’s harder. Some of that can just be the practical nature of making change is harder period. But do you think it has anything to do with that a lot of times friction is felt by a customer, but not necessarily expressed? They may not even realize that their shopping cart is hard to operate.

Roger Dooley: Right. Well, many times customers can’t articulate that there is a problem. It’s only when they see somebody doing it better. I mean, look at the taxi industry. For pretty much our entire lives, we dealt with taxis as something that was a pretty good way to get around, generally better than the bus or the subway and worked reasonably well. And it wasn’t until Uber came along and showed us how every element of that process was full of friction from getting the cab in the first place to getting out of it and paying. They eliminated all that and suddenly it’s like, wow, none of us really saw that before, but now we could. So yeah, I think what businesses have to do, whether they’re large or small, is kind of look at their processes from a third party point of view. Instead of saying, “Well, this is how it’s always been done,” or “This is how our competitors do it and we’re actually a little bit better than our competitors,” for one, you have to compare yourself to Amazon and to Uber and say, “Okay, is my experience as good as theirs? And if not, can I move my experience in that direction?”

Roger Dooley: So it’s just important to focus and also to observe customers. I bet you’ve had the same happen, John. You’re on a website or you’re trying to accomplish something and you just can’t figure out what to do. And you’re wondering, did the people who created this website or this app ever actually watch somebody try and go through it for the first time? Because you’re perplexed and you’re struggling and you’re clicking stuff. And I think the answer is in many cases, they have not watched users go through it. They have an idea of what the users or customers want, or will do, or how they’ll behave, but they haven’t actually watched them doing it. And that’s so critical.

John Jantsch: And I think the one thing that a lot of people underestimate too is that … if you used the taxi example. I mean you and I just tolerated it. We didn’t like it, but we didn’t necessarily think we had a choice or that it was even a problem per se. It was just the way the world is. And I think when you watch, what happens a lot of times is that next generation comes along and goes, “This is nuts.” We’ve been doing it, so that’s all we know. But they’re new to it and all of a sudden they’re like, “Why would anybody do this?” I have millennial age children that are so funny to watch how little they will tolerate from a website because they just, that’s not how they feel like the world should work. And they’ll go find somebody who gets it. I mean, because they don’t have that same sort of loyalty, I guess is what I’m getting at.

Roger Dooley: Right. Well, it’s not even so much loyalty. It’s that they realize how simple and powerful experiences can be. I think a good example of businesses that really don’t get it are cable providers. I have an internet cable provider and I have a satellite TV provider and they both kind of fall into that category of not getting it, making their experience really high friction. On Amazon, I can look at anything I bought in, I don’t know, 10 years, 12 years, beats me. I can go back as long as I want and see every order I’ve placed. On my Internet provider, I can only go back six months. So when I go to do my tax and say, “Okay, well I need those bills for that purpose,” then it’s not there. And you say, well why would a business design an interface that would only let me look at the last six months? Now that makes no sense. But unfortunately businesses say, “Well, hey, why would a customer want that, or we’ve done it this way, it’s been fine.” And they don’t have necessarily anybody that’s forcing them to do it any better.

John Jantsch: Yeah. And that’s actually a great feature of Amazon though. Have you ever done this? You buy a book and they go, “Whoa, you know, you bought this book two years ago,” and I go, “Oh, okay. So it’s on my Kindle. Nevermind.”

Roger Dooley:  Yes. I personally have never had that experience, John. But I have heard from people who have. It happens to me all the time saying, “Ah, book looks interesting,” and “Oh, damn, I bought that, I’ve got it on my shelf somewhere. I better go find it.” Yeah, it’s great. And I think that is an example too of a business that is putting its customers in the forefront because there are certainly some businesses out there would say, “Ha, that jerk just bought that for the second time.” Where Amazon wants you to have a good experience and they know that eventually you might discover that you bought it once, you already had it, and either you’re going to return it or you’re going to feel stupid because you have two copies now and they help you prevent that.

John Jantsch: And I think you just touched on where this starts, right? It’s not just about how can we make this website faster, easier to use. I mean it really kind of starts with what you just said. How can we make sure that our customers are having a great experience? I mean that’s what sort of turns you into the detective to go looking for this stuff, isn’t it?

Roger Dooley: Yeah. And I think just jumping back to taxis, if somebody had just, say taken a video of the taxi experience, you could look at the particularly, I don’t know, I’m sure you get to Europe occasionally and like to pay for taxis by credit card there. If I have to take a taxi and … because Uber isn’t available because it’s illegal or something. And inevitably what you see is the driver first saying the machine’s broken. And then you say, “No, I don’t have any cash.” So you got to use that. And so, okay, they reach under the seat, they pull out this a clunky machine trying to establish an Internet connection, get your card, wait for the thing to print out. And then they’ve got to print out and sign it and they’ve got to reenter it. It’s this horrible process that takes minutes. And if someone just looked at that, they could say, “Well, can I imagine a way in a perfect universe where I could eliminate this?” And it wouldn’t be that difficult to come up with multiple ways of eliminating that process, but it took this really disruptive company to come along and actually do it.

John Jantsch: And I suspect because you pay attention to this stuff that I can envision you across the counter from a young clerk who has a very … a process that is riddled with friction and doesn’t make any sense to anybody. And you point it out to them and they say, “Well that’s the way we do it here. Or that’s how we’ve always done it here.”

Roger Dooley:  Yeah. Or they say, “Yeah, no kidding. We’ve complained about this, but they won’t do anything about it.” More often than not, people inside the company can identify it as friction, but they are unable to get it fixed. And to me the important thing is that businesses develop a friction aware culture so that their employees are sensitized to look forward in the customer experience. But even in their own experience, because oh, there is a huge amount of money, in fact there was a Harvard Business Review article that estimated that $3 trillion a year is wasted in US businesses by what they called organizational drag. Used the word drag just in the intro. And organizational drag is what they call all the time that’s wasted by bad processes, dealing with email that you shouldn’t have to deal with, meetings that served no purpose, or all this waste of time in organizations is a $3 trillion problem. And so businesses that develop this friction awareness will not only improve their customer experience, but they’ll improve their internal experience. And that’s great because the team members themselves do not enjoy wasting your time. They’ll be more engaged if they feel they’re working on stuff that is important or is helping a customer, as opposed to doing stuff that is really serving no purpose other than the fact that they’ve got to do it.

John Jantsch: Yeah, I read a survey, this is going back at least a decade, maybe longer, and it was a giant Gallup survey talking about what made people happy at work. And you would think it would be that they felt challenged and they were paid well, and the number one thing was that they had the tools that allowed them to do the work effectively. So essentially, processes and equipment, and tools, and things are of part of that that causes friction, isn’t it?

Roger Dooley: Yeah. And there’s a lot of work that’s been done on work and motivation and having that work directed in a productive creative way is one key metric. Dan Ariely he did some really interesting work and wrote a short book called Payoff about that, but where they would have people assemble Legos under different conditions. In some cases, immediately after the person assembled the Lego, the experimenter would tear it apart in throw the pieces in the box. Needless to say, the people that had that experience were much less motivated to build more Legos even though there were being paid the same as folks where their creation was not destroyed.

John Jantsch: So you mentioned this friction awareness. I’m just trying to envision, how does, where does somebody go looking for it? Where does it hide, how did you … if I’m listening to this and I think, “Okay, I’m not aware of huge friction,” where do … how do I find it? How do I create this awareness culture?

Roger Dooley: Well, by reading the book for one, but no seriously John. I think that just looking for examples of it, becoming aware of it. It’s sort of like if there’s a background hum noise, which hopefully there isn’t in this recording, but you generally might not be aware of it. But if you listen for that background, how many say, “Oh yeah, okay it’s there.” And friction is kind of the same way because we become just sort of used to it, like that taxi experience and every other experience like that. But if we start looking at it from a more of an absolute point of view and imagining better ways, then we start seeing it. I found that just if I do a talk where I spend maybe 30 or 50 minutes talking about friction, just that exposure will get people for the rest of the day yelling friction when they encounter some difficulty in the hotel or the conference center, something where there’s a line or some form they have to fill out.

Roger Dooley: So it’s really just sort of sensitizing yourself and then once you start seeing it, it’s pretty hard to stop seeing it. Which is in some ways, is kind of bad because you cannot cure all the friction that you’re going to experience, especially when you’re simply the customer and someone else is controlling that. And it can get you, gets me at least, a little bit cranky at times.

John Jantsch: There’s a line from The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne. I’m actually doing … my next project involves some of that literature. So that’s-

Roger Dooley: I was [crosstalk] going to say this is taken really literary turn [crosstalk]

John Jantsch: Yeah, I was going to say that that’s why this is right at hand and it was, “She had not known the wait until she felt the freedom.” And I think that really goes very directly to this. A lot of times we don’t realize how much we’re way down until we find this better way. And we were like, “Holy crap.”

Roger Dooley: Wow. I would have put that in the book, had I known that quote at the time, John, so I may still have to use that somehow. So thank you for that.

John Jantsch: And you talked about this thing actually called invisible friction.

Roger Dooley: Indeed. Not … to some degree, all friction can be a little bit invisible if we’re not looking for it. But there is another kind of cognitive friction where we … there’s no rational reason why something should be higher in friction, but it’s all in our brains. And it has to do with a concept called cognitive fluency, how easy it is for our brains to process something. And this affects our behavior in a few ways. If something is difficult to say or read, it seems more dangerous and risky. So when scientists ask people to rate the amusement park rides for how dangerous they were or risky, if they had a hard to say name, the exact same ride description was rated as to being more dangerous. Same thing for prescription drugs. Drugs that were hard to say were seen as more dangerous. But where the friction comes into play is that if something is hard for us to process, it seems more difficult.

Roger Dooley: There is another research project that found people were less likely to follow important medical instructions, now imagine that, medical instructions that are important for their health and perhaps their life, if those instructions were in a hard to read font and it wasn’t that they were so difficult that it was impossible to read. It’s just that when things are hard for our brains to process, even a little bit harder, they seem a little bit more difficult. At the University of Minnesota, they ran this great experiment that asked people how long it would take to perform a simple exercise. It just gave them two short sentences. Exact same text for two groups. One group saw it in a simple arial san serif font, so a very easy to read font. The second group saw the exact same instructions in a slightly harder to read brushy font. Still perfectly legible. You’d have no problem reading it. But the first group that saw it in the simple font said it would take eight minutes to do, the second group said it would take 15 minutes.

Roger Dooley: So what was happening there was that the difficulty in processing that information, the difficulty in reading, translated into difficulty in doing. And that’s really an important message for anybody who is designing websites or apps or print material. Anytime you’re asking somebody to do something, you want to make sure that those instructions are short, concise, easy to read, black on white, or something. And use the simplest font possible because the more difficult it is to read, the harder whatever it is you want them to do is going to seem and the less likely they’ll be to do it.

John Jantsch: Well, I know from a marketing standpoint, it’s pretty accepted logic that while you would think giving people lots of choices would actually make their decision easier, it really creates friction that you’re sometimes better off saying, “You want A or B?” And that’s about it.

Roger Dooley: Yeah, well, Barry Schwartz wrote an entire book called The Paradox of Choice that kind of zoomed in on that issue that in many cases, not in all cases, but in many cases, the more choice you have, the less likely you are to actually make a decision. And it varies, but there’s ways of dealing with that too. One is to just limit the number of choices. If you only need three plans, don’t offer people seven plans, because that may kick them into sort of an analytical mode where they end up making no decision at all. Guiding them to the most popular of the three plans is a great way to show, “Okay, there’s good, better, and best. Almost everybody chooses better.” At that point, that’s a really easy decision for most people to make. But if you’ve got a seven plans and it’s some have different features and they’re overlapping and that’s where it gets confusing.

Roger Dooley: So, but now Amazon has unlimited choice. If you pick any product, they probably carry just about every version of that product that’s available on the planet. But the way they help their customers is by providing a whole series of screens and filters and queues. So first of all, they will rank the products and the way they think that best fits your search. They will show you, “This one is a best seller.” They will show you, “This one is best rated.” They’ll show you that it’s got four and a half stars from 2000 reviews. And all of these things are cues to let you, hopefully, narrow down your choice really quickly and distinguish between two very similar looking choices. So they do just fine because for them, offering a lot of choice means that … you hear about a product, the first thing you do is check Amazon because you figure odds are they’ll have it, but then instead of just presenting you with a big massive products that you have to sort through, they provide you all kinds of tools to choose the right one.

John Jantsch: Now we’ve talked mostly about business, but you kind of wander into how friction shows up just in our lives, in our habits and things. I know that anytime I’m trying to lose a little weight, if I have healthy food sitting around, I will … and it’s easy for me to get, I will do a lot better job than if I have to actually work to get that food. So how does it play? How does friction play out in our habits?

Roger Dooley: Well, it is a very powerful force. I’ve read several books on this topic. My friend Art Markman from here at University of Texas, Austin is a pretty slim guy these days, but he had had a weight problem some years back and he found that his downfall was Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. Those little pint containers that theoretically if you read the label, there’s, I don’t know, like four servings in there, three or four servings. But if you’ve ever actually just pulled one out of the freezer and started eating with a spoon, you find it’s really easy to polish it off in one sitting. You get down halfway and, actually you’re more than halfway at that point, and it seems like a small amount to put back in the fridge, right? So you just keep going and before you know it, it’s gone and you’ve added who knows how many calories into your daily diet.

Roger Dooley: His simple realization was if he did not have that in the house, he would probably not drive to the store to get it. So if he made that decision when he had the willpower for the future, saying, “Okay, I’m in the store. I’m not going to buy that because I know it’s bad for me and I know I’ll eat the whole darn thing.” Then he would not put up with a considerable friction of getting in his car and driving to the store to get it.

Roger Dooley: But going beyond that other habit change experts like James Clear and that BJ Fogg all talk about even just creating moderate friction. Okay, if you have potato chips in the house, don’t leave them out on the counter. Put them on a high shelf in the cupboard, put them in the garage maybe. And yeah, anything that makes it more difficult, even the smallest interventions can make a difference.

Roger Dooley: Some Yale researchers did a study for Google where Google provides free food, which is a nice benefit of working there. But people tend to over consume. And particularly things like sweets, candy, M&Ms, I mean they are something that your brain will taste, say, “Hey that’s pretty good, I want more of that,” and people will keep eating them. They found that just putting the M&Ms in an opaque container and moving a little bit farther away from the front of the shelf allowed them to cut a couple of million calories out of one office’s budget every month, which is pretty phenomenal. And very similar experiments in a cafeteria lines where putting the healthy stuff in front and the non-healthy stuff a little bit farther away. All of these things had measurable effects. And obviously the more friction that you had, the more profound the effect. In one case, in that cafeteria line, instead of just moving it to the back, they created a separate line for ice cream and soft drinks, stuff that you were not supposed to eat. And they found that in that case, it dropped consumption about 90% because most people did not want to put up with the hassle of going to another line, selecting their items, and paying for it separately. So it’s just however much friction you can add without creating a perhaps the rebellion.

John Jantsch: I’m chatting with Roger Dooley, author of Friction: The Untapped Forced That Can be Your Most Powerful Advantage. So Roger, tell people where they can find out more about your work and the book itself.

Roger Dooley: Probably the best jumping off point is rogerdooley.com I link to all of my stuff there, my blogs at Neuromarketing and Forbes, and have links to the books, of course. And on social media, I am on all of the channels, but I’m most easy to find on Twitter where I am @RogerDooley.

John Jantsch: Well, thanks for joining us, Roger, and hopefully we’ll see you someday out there on the road in a frictionless world.

Roger Dooley: Ah, if only that would happen, that’d be great. John, thanks so much for having me.

from http://bit.ly/2VBs2GT

[kuroimajo]

Purple Eyes and Snowy Nights | Klance

AO3

Words: ~7000

Summary:

Christmas is just around the corner, but this year it's different for Lance. This year he won't be celebrating with his family. He just moved into this big city a few months ago and doesn't intend to go home to his family for at least a few more months, otherwise he can't move on. At least that's the feeling he has. That there would be a big surprise in form of a familiar face would have never come to his mind. This Christmas he will never forget.

Purple Eyes and Snowy Nights

Trembling I sat one foot after the other, my hands in my pockets. It was freezing cold. I should have been already at home, lying on my couch, wrapped up in a cozy blanket, happily sipping on my hot chocolate and surfing in the internet. I’d have nothing else to do, anyway, but now I had to get home first and that wasn’t that easy without a car. My car had broken down halfway and I couldn’t contact a breakdown service. Furthermore, there was no one else I could have contacted. In moments like these I missed my home the most. I’ve moved into this city almost three months ago, because I hoped to be able to make my dreams come true. Before moving I saw my family for only half a year. I would’ve liked to stay with my family, but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to move on if I stayed with them. I just had to do this here.

Sighing I stopped and looked up into the dark sky. I watched the beautiful snowflakes falling down, dancing through the night. With a heart full of hope I had come to this city, but now I was standing here during the coldest winter in the dark and was looking for the shortest way to the apartment I couldn’t really call home. It was just an apartment I lived in temporarily. Even though I didn’t know how long ›temporarily‹ meant.  

I pulled up my blue scarf a little bit until it covered my nose again, because it got a little loose and slowly made my way forward. I let my mind wander and somehow it seemed as if the way was longer than it should have been.

Finally at home, I took off my warm gray coat and my blue and gray colored shoes, took a quick shower and nestled down in my blanket, my laptop in my lap. I turned it on and waited for it to finally be useable. After waiting for too long – in my opinion – I went online and opened my favorite chatroom. A smile spread on my face the moment I noticed the small green dot next to his name. Just a second later the first private message popped up.

»You’re late. I thought you wouldn’t come online anymore today.«

Grinning and shaking my head I began to type.

»Even so you were waiting for me, am I right? ;)«

About a month ago I found this website while surfing and messaged offhandedly a few strangers. I didn’t know why, but the user RedSamurai had drawn my interest. By now he was the only one I still talked to. The conversations with him let me always smile and – it sounded stupid probably, but I really had the feeling that I started to fall in love with him. We had never met before and I didn’t even know his real name, but … I didn’t know how to describe it. There was something between us. I felt it.

A quiet pling brought my focus back to the chat. He had replied.

»Yeah, sure. In your dreams.«

As I realized how long he had taken to type those few words I couldn’t keep myself from smirking.

»Just admit you missed me ;)«

»Why were you late today?«

It was cute how he tried to change the topic. I told him vague what had happened. Afterwards like always we talked about a lot of different things.

»What are you going to do on Christmas?«

Speechless I stared at his words. The sudden change of topic from music to Christmas surprised me. I didn’t expect him to ask something like this. However, it wasn’t a topic I liked to talk about.

»To be honest, I don’t really know. I’d like to spend time with my family, but … Nevermind. I’m going to relax at home probably. What about you? Any big plans?«

I didn’t know why I mentioned my family but once it was sent I couldn’t change it anyway. A little while I watched the small animated dots, which were a sign that the other person was typing.

»I wanted to spend time with my brother on Christmas eve, but something came up and he doesn’t have time anymore. That means we both will be alone …«

I already wanted to think about a reply, when I saw that he was typing again, so I just waited for him to finish, my fingers tapping impatiently on my notebook. He was typing, stopped, was typing and stopped again. A little while I watched the dots until the pling was back.

»I don’t mind … I mean, if you want to … We could be spending our time with chatting on Christmas eve? I won’t have anything else to do … and you neither, so …«

A smile spread on my face again and got even bigger than before. A thought crossed my mind, but I didn’t know if it was a good idea or not. I struggled a few minutes with myself. A little bit too long as it seemed. Again, I received a message from him.

»It was just a suggestion. If you don’t want to it’s okay, too.«

This message made me want to take a risk. I threw all my doubts overboard and started typing again.

»How about we meet on Christmas eve? I mean in real life?«

My fingers were trembling while I clicked on »send«. I knew him only from the internet. All I knew about him was that he lived in the same city as me, liked to drive his motorcycle, had an older brother and that he liked the color red. Of course, I also knew a few other little things I learned about while chatting with him. The thought of meeting him in real was … I didn’t know how to describe it. Somehow, I was really excited and stared a while that seemed like an eternity at his name. No animated dots. Minutes went by without getting a reply from him. Slowly the thought crossed my mind that perhaps I scared him off and I already wanted to apologize for this stupid suggestion when the little dots appeared eventually. Pling.

»Sure, why not? I want to meet you.«

»Really?! Good, we’ll meet on Christmas eve at the big fountain in front of the cinema downtown. I’m the tall and handsome guy with a blue scarf and a red Santa hat ;) ;) ;)«

Giddy with excitement I couldn’t keep myself from writing a long reply. I was in a really, really good mood and the big grin on my face was far away from disappearing. Even as we started to talk about all kinds of things again the smirk on my face stayed.

***

Nervous I played with my fingers and tried to warm them up. Since half an hour ago I was standing here, because I was an idiot who showed up at the meeting point an hour before the time we had agreed on. Like promised I was wearing my blue scarf and a red Santa hat, which was decorated with five red glowing stars.

With my back facing the fountain I was standing in front of a snow-covered bench and looking around me to hopefully spot my date. He should be wearing a warm red coat with a black symbol on his chest. I was so excited to meet him that even the cold didn’t bother me.

More minutes went by and slowly the time we agreed on came closer and closer. Once again, I looked around, but this time there was a person who caught my interest. The smile on my face froze as I noticed the young man with a mullet coming closer. I knew him. I would have recognized that mullet anywhere. The problem was: He looked like my date.

Mullet came closer, his eyes lowered to the ground. Only a few steps away from me he looked up and was obviously just as surprised as me.

»Lance?!«, he blurted out in a low voice. Without saying another word, we looked at each other for a moment. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t even expect to be able to see him ever again. My heart seemed like it wanted to break out. It beat so fast. Everything seemed like a dream. That guy, who was standing right in front of me was Keith. The guy, I had had a huge crush on back then in high school and who had disappeared over night.

A whispered »Keith …« left my mouth while I looked at him with wide eyes. I couldn’t say anything else. While the years had gone by, I always wanted to know, what had happened to him. Nobody had known anything.

»Lance … Are you Sharpshooter?« He broke the silence. I tried to regain my composure and nodded slowly before I asked nearly the same question. »And you are RedSamurai?« Like me before he just nodded as a reply. Something he had said before came to mind and my heart started to beat faster.

»Wait, you … You know my name? I always thought you didn’t even know I exist.« With a surprised face I looked at his slightly blushing face. My mind blamed the cold weather for it, but my heart wanted to believe that it was my doing.

»You …«, he started to speak and looked away. Spellbound I stared at his beautiful purple eyes. »You always tried to be better than me in everything. Of course, I noticed you.«

There was this tiny twinkle in his eyes that told me that there was more behind his words, something he hid, but maybe that was just, what I wanted to think. It didn’t matter, anyway. He knew who I was and that was the most important thing. The grin on my face spread again and didn’t want to go away.

»How long have you been waiting here? I’m sure, I’m at least fifteen minutes early.« I snapped back to reality. Keith’s words sounded kind of … concerned? Did I imagine that? Beautiful eyes were looking at me again. I didn’t know what to say, but I wanted to look cool in front of him, not like an idiot who was waiting for him an hour in this cold weather. So, I decided to just tell a little lie.

»I came here like a minute before you did.«, I said with a shrug and looked around. There were more people now than half an hour ago. I spotted a couple a few steps away, probably on a date. When they were out of sight I looked back to my ›date‹ and noticed he was staring at me. Really staring. I would even say, he was checking me out? When our eyes met he quickly turned around and started walking. Speechless I stood there watching him go. Had he really been checking me out? Or did I just imagine that? I could feel my hopes rise as a smirk appeared on my face.

Suddenly he turned around with a frown, made a few steps back to where I was standing and grabbed my arm. »Come on, we have to warm you up! You are trembling!« Surprised I stumbled a few steps and looked at his hand. He still wore the same fingerless gloves as in high school. While I was pulled along by him I tried to get a hold of my overflowing feelings and the grin on my face. When he noticed I was really going beside him, his hand disappeared from my arm and left the slight feeling of disappointment.

Just a few seconds later we entered a small coffee shop. It was the first time I was in here, but Keith seemed to know this place very well. He was headed towards a small table in the back of the coffee shop without looking around. I followed him, gazing at his back, until he stopped. Distracted by his broad back I nearly bumped into him. We were standing right in front of a small table with two seats facing each other.

Without a word he took off his coat, hung it over his chair and took a seat. And I … watched him. I just watched him sit down and spaced out. Now, that I had a better view on him I had to admit he looked better than in the old days. No, not just better, gorgeous! He looked much more handsome than in my memory. He looked pretty much the same, but kind of … more mature? He was a lot older than in high school, of course he looked more mature. It’s just he–

»How long are you going to stand there?« A little confused I blinked once or twice until it hit me and I realized I was flat out staring at him. I could feel my face redden in embarrassment as I quickly took off my coat and took a seat myself. If I had been in my right mind I would have just said something, but I wasn’t and that was the problem. Seeing Keith just like that right in front of my very own eyes was … like a miracle. It had been years since the last time I had seen him. I was just … I didn’t even know what I was thinking. It was like … finally finding something you thought were lost long ago.

»What’s that? Keith Kogane has a date? Unbelievable! What’s ya name, loverboy?« The sudden voice of a person standing right beside our table startled me. Slowly I looked up to see a tall blonde guy with a smirk eying me in curiosity, a notebook and pen in one hand and the other on his hip.

»Shut up, Rolo! This is not a date and he is not my ›loverboy‹! Just take our orders and fuck off!« Annoyance was clearly heard in Keith’s voice. His words sent a shot to my heart and I could feel all my hopes crumble down in the blink of an eye. I looked away from this smirking guy to focus on my hands, lying loosely on the table. Wearing a forced smile to hide my shattered hopes. The voices and clattering around me grew slowly to a distant noise while I sunk into deep thought. I should’ve known it. Why would I even think, this gorgeous man would consider this as a date?

Keith was … so out of my league, it hurt. He was right in front of me, but at the same time so far away. He had always been the great Keith Kogane, the best in class, number one in school. And I … I had always been the goofball, the dork who nobody had even considered as serious. Even after Keith had disappeared he had been used as the example of a model student. His name has been brought up nearly every day. It had been really hard for me to get over the fact, that I would never see him again. Even now I just–

A gentle touch on my arm startled me. My eyes went wide in confusion as I saw Keith’s hand brushing against my arm just a moment before he pulled it back. »Everything alright?« He asked in a low voice, concern swinging in his voice and suddenly I got aware of my surroundings again. The clattering and talking around me got louder as I scanned the room. Catching Keith’s gaze at last. His brow furrowed and only now I realized that he had asked me something.

»Y-Yeah … everything’s fine. I just … spaced out a little.« I said glancing back at my hands and fiddling with my scarf which I was still wearing. The cold was slowly climbing its way through my body.

»I’m sorry about Rolo. He’s an acquaintance of mine and … Nevermind. He’s always like this. Just … don’t mind him. To be honest, I didn’t even know he was working today. I thought he had the day off and–«

»I switched shifts with someone.« The sound of this guy’s, Rolo’s, voice interrupted the beautiful but hurting sound of Keith’s. Just a moment later there were two cups placed in front of Keith and me. »By the way, it’s on the house. Enjoy your date!« He said in a strange way and disappeared again. Bewildered I looked back and forth between this guy and the cups until mullet’s voice reached my ears again.

»This is not a date.« He yelled after him, definitely looking mad. Why was I still here? He clearly didn’t like me in that way, but I … I had fallen in love with him twice. The first time when I had seen him and his stupid mullet for the first time running through the hallway of our high school. And the second time … I had not even known who he really was but had still ended up falling in love with him, anyway. What was the point in–

»Sorry, he likes to talk trash at every given occasion.« Taking his cup in both hands he looked at the liquid inside while I tried to get my voice out. »I-I don’t mind. Don’t worry about it.« Lie! I did mind, and it didn’t feel good at all to hear him denying this being a date twice. Absentmindedly I grabbed the cup in front of me with both hands to warm them up a little. I felt still cold as ice. Going back to thinking about this way too much, I raised the cup to my lips and took a sip. My eyes went wide as the taste spread in my mouth. Surprised I looked at the liquid in my cup before I took another sip and only now I realized that I had not ordered anything. This hot chocolate didn’t taste like an ordinary hot chocolate. There was definitely a hint of vanilla in it. A nostalgic feeling spread through my body as I drank a mouthful of the hot liquid, burning my tongue, but drinking anyway. I didn’t expect to find this taste here in this city.

»Did … Did you order this?«, I asked more whispering than anything, without looking at him. »Y-Yeah … Something wrong?« Slowly I shook my head and took another sip. I let my eyes wander around the coffee shop until I spotted the menu right above the counter and there I read three kinds of hot chocolate. An ordinary one, one with vanilla and one with rum. Was this a coincidence or did he know I liked the one with vanilla? But how would he even know that? I didn’t remember ever telling him about this. Maybe I just thought about it too much. Who doesn’t like vanilla, anyway? Yeah, I was definitely just thinking too much.

An awkward silence spread between us. I didn’t know what to say nor could I look at him now. If I had known how this »date« would end up, I would have not suggested meeting at all. Then I could be still lying on my couch chatting with the mysterious RedSamurai and imagining him liking me, too. But now I knew I didn’t have a chance. I knew he didn’t like me in that way. I knew he was the love of my life and that thought was heartbreaking. My heart was pounding against my rib cage. It felt like it wanted to break out at all costs. Why was I still here?

Not knowing what else to do I gulped down the rest of my hot chocolate, feeling the heat warming me from inside for a short moment before this strange cold feeling was back. The silence was slowly suffocating me as a sudden, but melodic voice cut through it and a beautiful young woman appeared right next to our table. »Keith, good to see you here. You forgot your headphones at my place last night.« Her smile was breathtaking while she rummaged in her purse to find something. She handed him black headphones, her hair falling in long silver waves over her shoulder. Her dark skin seemed to have not a single flaw. My eyes were downright drawn to her bright blue ones. She was really beautiful and … the look on her face which was directed at Keith was kind of like they knew each other for a really long time.

Keith wanted to say something but was cut off by her right at the beginning. »Sorry, I don’t have much time. See you tomorrow.« The words barely leaving her lips, she bent down, placing a kiss on Keith’s cheek, turned on the heel afterwards and went away. I wasn’t sure if I had imagined it, but I thought she had sent me a wink while turning around. My eyes wandered around in confusion until they met Keith’s and locked with them. There was a slight blush on his face and I could feel a pain in my chest. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be here and watching the guy I was in love with rejecting me by getting a kiss from a gorgeous woman who could possibly be his girlfriend! The pain in my chest got worse with every second our eyes locked longer. Why was I still here?! This beautiful dark purple was hurting me so much, but even so I couldn’t look away. My heart was slamming against my chest, breaking with every thought about Keith not liking me a little bit more.

I couldn’t take it any longer. With loud clattering I stood up, turning my head away, so I didn’t have to look at him anymore. »I need some fresh air.«, I said mumbling, grabbed my jacket and stormed off. Without looking back, I left the coffee shop and ran. Right then, when I wanted to turn left and disappear in a dark alleyway to hide from the rest of the world, I could hear his voice calling out for me. I didn’t stop there. I just turned the corner, running a few meters until I leaned against the wall with my back. I slowly slumped down the wall, hoping that Keith wouldn’t find me here. I didn’t know how I would react if he saw me like this. I couldn’t take the pain in my chest anymore.

I bent my knees and slung my arms around them, hiding my face behind as I heard fast stumping feet come closer and closer until they stopped a few steps away. »Lance? Why did you run away?« His voice sounded so full of concern, it hurt. I closed my eyes for a second, took a deep breath and swallowed down the pain in my chest. I couldn’t stand the way things went. There was nothing else I could do other than being completely honest now. Slowly I stood up again, brushing the snow and dirt off from my jeans and straightening my back. It was time to face the situation head on. I looked at Keith and our eyes locked. There was a strange look at his face I wasn’t able to read as I slowly began to speak with a serious expression.

»Keith, look, I … I don’t think we should meet anymore. Not in real life and not in the chatroom either.« I could see his eyes go wide and his jaw drop as I kept speaking. »I-I can’t do this. It’s too painful. I know you don’t feel the same way as I do, but I can’t pretend to see you as just a friend. You know, for me this was a date. At least until you denied it. So … Good bye, Keith. Farewell.« I couldn’t hide the sadness swinging in my voice as I turned around to walk away from the person I loved. If I had stayed I would have done something I would regret later. As I slowly dragged my feet over the cold snowy path I bit my lip. Suddenly it was quiet. Everything around me seemed to disappear. There were only the sound of the crunching snow beneath my feet at every step and the pounding of my heart, slamming against my rib cage in a fast rhythm. I could feel the words I really wanted to say, wanted to shout, stuck in my throat.

Then suddenly I had to stop. His hand had grabbed me by the wrist, followed by a loud »Wait!«. Surprised I turned around to see him with a pained expression on his face. »Don’t just run away without letting me explain anything!«, he screamed at me before lowering his voice to a whisper. »Just … hear me out! Please!« Strangely enough, he didn’t let go off my wrist. I replied with a nod, scared of what might come out if I spoke.

»You don’t know anything!«, he began again. Louder this time, nearly screaming and I just gazed at him, waiting for what would come and biting my lip while his hand on my wrist made my stomach flutter. Even though there was a thick layer of clothes between us. »I can’t believe you! You are Lance McClain, aren’t you? Why would you even consider this as a date? You hate me, don’t you? I-I always watched you back in high school. I heard everything you ever said about me. I know that you hate me! So why would you even want to go on a date with me other than making fun of the stupid gay guy with the mullet?! You know, I wished this was a date, because I really do like you. Now, fuck off!« Eyes wide open and Jaw dropped to the ground I stared at him. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The last few words were screamed at my face and only a second later the beautiful purple eyes were gone as well as his hand on my wrist. Dumbfounded I gazed at his back, quickly disappearing at the corner of the alleyway before I realized what had happened.

He had thought I had hated him in high school and even now? The last thing I had expected was that he … he had watched me? In high school? But … That couldn’t be the truth! He had heard everything I had ever said? Fuck! I … I had to run after him. I had to explain everything! But my feet wouldn’t move immediately. With a silent shout on my lips I sprinted forward, hoping to find Keith quickly. I turned at the corner and once again I found his mullet just by looking through the crowd. There weren’t as many people here as a few hours ago, what helped a lot. As fast as I could I ran in his direction, trying not to bump into other people or lanterns.

»Keith!«, I yelled while grabbing his arm and turning him around with only one thing in mind: I had to explain my feelings for him, but … Somehow, my inner voice was telling me that words weren’t enough. My free hand grabbed his neck and pulled him closer until he was close enough for me to kiss him. After his half-assed try to break free from my grip he began to relax and started to kiss me back. I let go of his arm and cupped his face in both my hands. He wrapped his arms around my waist while our kiss got passionate. Everything around me seemed so far away. The only thing I focused on was Keith and my pounding heart. The feelings which were floating through my body. The adrenaline pumping through my veins. His surprisingly sweet scent rising to my nose. This moment was beautiful and all I wished for was that it would never end.

Sadly, everything had to end eventually. This wasn’t an exception. The kiss came to an end, but neither he nor I pulled away. We stayed like this for a couple more seconds. My eyes were still closed, our noses brushed against each other. I felt his breath on my skin and it made me want to kiss him again. I didn’t want to open my eyes, because I feared that everything would end if I did. But at the same time, I really wanted to see his face, so I decided to take a risk and slowly opened my eyes. His eyes were still closed. Gently I stroked his cheek with my thumb and leaned my forehead against his. Then I watched his eyes opening and revealing this dark purple I loved so much. Again, my eyes shut close, a grin spreading on my face and a whisper entering my ears.

»Why did you kiss me?« Even though we were so close, his voice seemed to drift away. Now, I really had to explain myself.

»Because I really, really, really like you. Ever since the first time I saw you. You’re right. I talked a lot of trash about you in high school, but I didn’t mean any of the things I said. I just didn’t want anyone to know, that I fell in love with you. Back then … Not even my best friends knew that I am bisexual. I came out to them right after you disappeared. When I realized that you were RedSamurai, the guy from the chatroom I fell in love with, I was so happy. Seeing you after so many years again made me speechless. I thought I would never be able to see you again, but here you are, standing right in front of me and it makes my heart jump. I really do like you, Keith. I could never hate you.«

I opened my eyes again and pulled away a little bit, to have a better look at him and his blushing face. My arms wrapped around his waist as he looked at me obviously speechless, lips slightly parted and eyes sparkling. »I-I don’t know what to say.«, his voice finally came out. My grin got wider as I kissed him again. »You don’t have to say anything, besides …« I closed my eyes for a short moment, took a deep breath and locked eyes with this beautiful man in front of me. »Keith Kogane, do you want to go out with me? Wanna be my boyfriend? If yes, just kiss me here an–« I was cut off midsentence by him closing the small distance and locking our lips together. This kiss was a lot shorter than the others but was still everything I wished for. With this we were officially a couple. The thought alone caused my heart to slam against my chest in a rhythm that was even faster than I thought it would be possible. I was so incredibly happy, I couldn’t even describe it.

For a moment we looked each other in the eyes without speaking another word. The smile tugging on his lips was enough for me to know that I would never be able to let go of this breathtaking man.

»Do you want to go on a date with me? Right now? A real one?« His low voice was barely audible. My grin widened as I saw his face getting even more red. In a quick movement I planted a peck on his lips, took his hand and entwined our fingers. »There’s no way I’d say no to that. Especially when you’re the one inviting me.« He smiled at me with an expression so fond and soft that it made my stomach flutter and the heat rise up my neck. Without another word he turned around, checking our surroundings until he made the first step away, pulling me by the hand.

I didn’t care about where we were going as long as Keith was by my side, so I didn’t recognize where we were headed until we entered a building and the smell of coffee entered my nose. We were at the same coffee shop, headed to the same table and sat down just like before. Our cups were still there. This time I took off my scarf and hung it over my coat, which I had hung over my chair. We faced each other, both smiling bright and just enjoying the atmosphere until a cheerful voice broke this peaceful silence. Rolo was back, grinning from ear to ear, a tray in one hand, the other on his hip.

»That was a beautiful show you put up out there, guys. Really heart-wrenching.« In a dramatic gesture he wiped of an imaginary tear from the corner of his eye and pointed at the window at the other side of the coffee shop afterwards. I could feel my cheeks redden in embarrassment as I realized that he had seen everything and turned to Keith, who had a similar expression as me. Rolo just laughed a heartful laugh and placed two plates of cake in front of us. »These are presents from the manager.«, he said casually and took out a notebook. »Do you want to order the same as before?«, he asked afterwards. Still speechless we just nodded. »Okay, that would be a simple Cappuccino for Keith and a special vanilla hot chocolate for loverboy. By the way, I still don’t know your name.« Now he looked at me, still grinning. I was just about to say something when I was interrupted by a mumbling Keith. Confused I turned to look at my boyfriend, who had turned his face away from Rolo, a deep blush creeping up his neck and face.

»Did you say something?«, Rolo asked with a smirk. Keith sighed and repeated his mumbling just a little bit louder. »Lance! His name is Lance!« Still hiding his face behind his beautiful black bangs he looked at me, an apologetic glint in his eyes. A split second it was silent again until that guy’s voice rose in realization. »Wait a tick! Did you say Lance?! As in Lance McClain?! Your high school crush?!« My eyes widened at his words. Keith had talked about me?! I could feel my skin tone darkening. Turning back to Keith I saw him squinting his eyes and then he snapped. »Yes, Rolo! Lance McClain, the guy who obviously didn’t really hate me. Just fuck off!«

»Whoa, calm down!«, Rolo said, smile fading. He took his tray from the table, turned around and walked away. Keith’s angry gaze was still focused on the waiter. With a long stretched »So …« I tried to get my boyfriend’s attention back. »You talked about me?« Now his head snapped back to me and his expression softened. »Y-Yeah, kind of, but … that’s not important now. Just … Just eat your cake!«

I couldn’t hold back my laughter as I saw his troubled expression. It was cute how he tried to change the topic. Just like in the chatroom. Even his glaring face, which was now directed at me, was cute. When my laughter finally died down, he took a look at his piece of cake and rolled his eyes. Curious I looked at my own piece. It was a chocolate cake and »Congratulations« was written on top of it. Confused I looked back at Keith. »Just don’t mind it.«, he said already eating the cake.

A while we talked about a lot of little things and I tried to completely relax, but … there were too many questions on my mind. Not sure if it was a good idea to risk his smile, I stared at the cup of hot chocolate which Rolo had brought just a few minutes ago and spaced out again. But not for long. Soon after, Keith brought me back to reality when he placed his hand on my arm, startling me a little bit in the process. »Is everything okay? You’re spacing out.«, he asked with a worried look on his face. Without thinking twice, I placed my hand on top of his and showed him my warmest smile. »Everything’s alright. It’s just … There are a lot of questions floating through my head.«

»Then … just ask. You want to know why I disappeared, right?« A soft smile formed on his lips as we locked eyes. Slowly I nodded and entwined our fingers together as he started to speak. His smile faded. »My brother had a car accident. He lost his right arm. At first, he was at the hospital near our old school, but soon he had to be transferred to the hospital here in this city. It was the only hospital with the right equipment to treat him. He got a prothesis. I wanted to stay with him, so I just packed my things and left without a word. I didn’t want to be pitied by anyone, so I didn’t tell anyone. There’s no one who’d miss me, anyway, is what I thought.«

He averted his sad eyes as he said the last few words, so I squeezed his hand a little bit to comfort him. »You know, that’s not in the least true.«, I had to say what was on my mind. »Not only I missed you. Everyone missed you. You were number one in school. There was not even one person who didn’t know you. So many students looked up to you. You were the most talked about person in school the first few weeks after you disappeared. There were even a lot of crazy rumors going around. Everyone was trying to explain why you left without a word. There were people saying you’re an alien and you left, because you were done with your research on the human race.« I couldn’t hold back a chuckle as I remembered all the absurd rumors that were going around back then.

»I-Is that really true?«, I heard him say in disbelief and looked him in the eyes. The dark purple sparkled as he blushed a little. A smirk spread on my face as I answered him with a raised brow. »Yeah, and I even thought some of the rumors were true. I mean … You just have to be from outer space because your body’s out of this world.« Satisfied I watched him getting even more red before he burst out laughing. »You’re such a dork.«, he said between laughs and I chuckled along while I watched his beautiful face.

I still couldn’t believe it. I still couldn’t believe that I had found him again. That he was sitting here right in front of me. With his beautifully stupid mullet and his adorable laugh and his bright purple eyes which were prettier than any gem. I loved him so much, I loved this moment so much that my chest grew tight and my stomach fluttered. Never would I have imagined that it was possible to be this happy, but I was.

Then he calmed down and looked at me with this soft smile and this fond expression. I felt my heartbeat rise again. I mirrored his expression, raised his hand to my mouth and kissed the back of his hand.

The rest of the evening we talked about everything and anything. Some of the things I already knew, others were new to me. I learned that the beautiful silver haired woman named Allura was his brother’s fiancé and that it had surprised him as she kissed his cheek, because she usually didn’t do such things. We talked so much that we didn’t even realize that we were the last ones in the coffee shop until a strange looking man appeared right beside our table. With his orange hair and odd-looking mustache, he looked kind of goofy.

»So … Keith, I really don’t want to interrupt you two, but … I want to go home, so …« With wide eyes Keith looked at the clock hanging on the wall near the counter. »I’m so sorry, Coran. We didn’t watch the time.«, he said with an apologetic expression. Only now I took a look at the time myself. I had not realized that it was already this late. Closing time had been already two hours ago. We put on our jackets said goodbye to Coran, whom I now knew was the manager of the coffee shop and also Allura’s uncle, and went outside.

Snow was dancing through the night as we walked along the snowy paths. Our hands intertwined, not saying a word. After a while, Keith’s beautiful voice cut through this peaceful silence in a whisper. »Y-You’re … You’re not celebrating with your family this year, right?« I stopped to look at him and smirked at the thought of the direction this was going to. »Yeah, so what about it?«

»Do … Do you want to celebrate with us? It would be nice to have you with us and you don’t have to sit alone in your apartment all day.«, he said without looking at me and a blush creeping up his face. My smile softened as I pulled him into an embrace. »There’s nothing I want to do more than that.«, I said in a low voice. »Oh wait … There is one thing.«, I whispered and started to nibble on his earlobe. My grin got wider as I heard him gasp. When I pulled away I caught a glimpse of his blushing face before he turned his head away. Chuckling I cupped his face in both my hands and forced him to look at me before I laid my lips on his and engaged him in a passionate kiss. »Let's go to your place, Samurai.«, I said still whispering while letting go of his face and taking his hand in mine. »This is by far the best Christmas ever.«, I thought to myself as we made our way to Keith’s motorbike.

AO3

A story about my favorite Paladins I wrote a year ago.

[persephoneandpomegranates]

flashbacks and old posts

I’m consolidating blogs so here’s some fun posts from when i was a senior in high school / freshman in college.

Sunday, July 22nd, 2012

whenever i go to the library

i always find the most embarrassing books at the very beginning so then i have to walk around with them while i peruse the rest of the library.

so then i end up grabbing up bunch of random, potentially interesting books to use as an awkward shield so no one can see that i have a stack of comic books and paranormal research and whatnot.

but then i have to check them out. even though we have self-serve, which i always choose, the librarian is always sitting right there just watching so no one tries anything sinister like stealing library books. and at some point i run out of normal books to check out and then i’m just like. … oh yeah tarot cards? i forgot i grabbed that book. that’s for my… dog… because he can read and he’s really into learning about new… nevermind.

#awkward , #library, #tarot cards, #embarrassing books

Monday, July 30th, 2013

procrastination is an onion

i like to create multi-layered procrastination.

instead of just putting off my summer homework or my online byu classes by watching tv, i like to create mind numbing projects like organizing my gruesome music or kindle collections, or cleaning my room.

but then i don’t want to do those either.

so then i realize that it’s almost august and camp nanowrimo is nearly upon me.

well, i can’t possibly organize my kindle and music collection with less than 48 hours to figure out plot, characters, and most importantly, how about genre.

but then.

it’s really hard to just do that.

so i have to get some creative inspiration, right?

so that’s how i ended up on neopets.

i swear, they used to have the most amazing writing boards and guilds. but now things just trudge along on the boards because there are less users. and i am all about the speed and instant gratification because hey, facebook.

but because the boards are so slow i find myself trying to feed my neopets in the meantime.

and then i’m like, oh i never got the pack rat avatar! i better start finding a bunch of useless items to put in my safety deposit box…

and now i have to work my way all the back down to my summer homework and byu classes by completing everything else first. because my neurosis says so.

my procrastination is an onion.

so many layers and it makes me cry.

#onion  #procrastination  #neopets  #nanowrimo  #camp nanowrimo #layered procrastination  #somebody end this miserable cycle please

Tuesday, December 18th, 2012

captain college

this one time, a girl desperately wanted to go to college.

but then she realized that she would have to do college applications and also ask for letters of recommendation.

that’s a lot of work.

so instead she watched tv and lol’d at the internet.

and spent like half an hour wikipedia captain planet because when i ws younger i thought it was freaking bad ass and captain planet was hot. or something.

the power of heart!

but seriously, can i put this on my application? heh.

#college apps  #applications  #college admissions  #captain planet

Thursday, January 24th, 2013

i am not even a good artist.

cute guy was like oh can i borrow your notes?

so i went to get my notes only to find them covered in doodles.

and not cool ones.

doodles of danny phantom.

…in a slightly suggestive v-neck.

well fuck me it can’t get any worse.

so i go to give the folder to said guy.

and i drop the folder.

papers. everywhere.

i am so slick. and by slick, i mean extremely socially inept.

my only hope is that my doodles are so terrible, that he can’t even tell what i drew.

but somehow, the fact that i also wrote DANNY PHANTOM next to the picture, does not make me feel optimistic.

#danny phantom  #bad doodles  #aww jeez  #socially awkward  #awkward #i like tags almost as much as i liek turtles.

Sunday, September 15th, 2013

Jesus, Marie

My life is a bunch of rocks.

No but really, I’m freaking out. I’m going to college in like three fucking days and its going to be my last day at this amazing parrot sanctuary I volunteer at tomorrow. All I want to do is sit in a corner and play with those fucking parrots and probably get bit at because I am not the best parrot handler but I’m  learning. Beyond the point.

I just feel so unready. All my friends are out there doing that college thing already or they’re like me and have a few days left but they are so ready. They want to meet new people and go to parties and join clubs and hangout with their new roommates. They want to get out and live life like a college student.

And I just don’t.

I just can’t picture it. Me doing laundry, making my own food, sharing a communal bathroom. I can see myself doing all these things, but it’s like watching a movie montage. It’s not actually me.

I don’t know if I can do this.  But dammit I’m not giving up. A teacher told my senior class to look around our classroom and know that while we were all going  to college, at least one person would drop out before they graduated. It wasn’t harsh, it was just a fact. The point was that it’s not for everyone and sometimes people learn that too late.

I’m just terrified that person is me.

But you know what? I love school. I love learning. I love procrastinating by organizing all my notes and color coding them when I could actually be studying which would be a lot more useful. I love commiserating with my friends during all nighters or even just glancing at my Facebook and see that twenty other people in that class are on Facebook at that ungodly hour, doing the exact same thing I’m doing- which is regretting that they put off a giant project or a huge midterm.

I am so excited that I’m going to get  to grow up and prove to my parents they did a good job raising me, despite my flaws: my laziness, my morning crankiness, the fact that I worry about everything.

I think that’s the problem, that last part. I always worry. My worrying has one level: defcon five. I think about how the supervolcano in Yellowstone could erupt at any moment and kill a gazillion people and also me. A heavy fear that wraps around me and my shaking hands inevitably weaves its way through thoughts like my immeninent demise. But it’s also what I do when I think about the scores on my latest math test might be. There’s no panic gradient with me. Just on or off. And it’s rarely off.

But you know what else I’ve learned about my worrying? Even when it is absolutely warranted, like when I get  that math score back-and yep I saw that coming- I hardly flinch.  I mean, “Ouch, I am not so good at this calculus thing” goes through  my mind, but I accept it and move on ridiculously fast, considering how much worry I put into it.

So that’s what I’m doing now. Taking everything and turning into the apocalypse.

College isn’t going to be what movie montage me expected. It’s going to be me figuring out how to talk to my roommate and still sucking at talking to boys and probably using too much laundry detergent and most definitely awkwardly trying to feed myself at 3am because I’m suddenly starving.

It’s not going to be easy. It’s going to be different  than anything I’ve ever done before.

But that’s okay. Because I can’t just spend my life sitting in my room wishing  I was 16 again and my biggest defcon five worry was never getting my license and ending up like my aunt who’s trapped walking and riding a bike or bus everywhere.

I can’t just stay where I am right now forever. That wouldn’t be living; it would just be existing.

What I’m saying is dammit. My life isn’t just going to be a bunch of boring rocks. It’s going  to be a fucking kaleidoscope of experiences.

I’m going to go to a college rager, even though I won’t  drink more than two sips of lightweight beer, just because if I don’t go, I’ll always wished I had. And you know what? Maybe I will get drunk and seriously regret it in the morning but at least  then I’ll know it’s not for me, rather than just being too afraid  to find out.

I’m going to join the pre veterinarian club even though I’ve heard it’s cutthroat and that scares me, I have every right to be there. And I’m definitely joining some nerdy fan clubs. I’ve always wanted to learn how to play D&D.

Who’s going to stop me? Myself?

Not a chance.

#jumbled mess  #college  #fuck yeah  #worries  #i can do this #even if i need to take a few xanax  #i got this

Sunday, September 15th, 2013

Whew

I feel a lot better now. Like I’m fucking capable of being alive or something.

#post rant #much better

Wednesday, September 25th, 2013

First Week of College

Great first week at UW.

So my life is pretty cool and all my worries about college have been unfounded. That being said, I did shrink some of my cotton shirts in the dryer doing laundry for the first time. Also, the lotion I brought for my legs is something I’m definitely allergic too. Oops. I have two little hives on my legs and both my shins are super itchy. Guess who is buying new lotion tomorrow?

I did almost kill myself in the shower today, though. I went to shave my legs for the first time, but because the shower is just a tiny little rectangle, I had to get creative with my acrobatics. Because I went to a yoga class today, I felt like maybe I could put my leg up on the wall and do a modified wall sit type of thing. So I did that and it seemed like a pretty good idea except for the fact my leg was a little lower than I meant it to be. No problem, I can just hitch my leg up a little higher and then we’re in business.

That’s where my shower took a turn for the worst.

As I was lurching my leg up, I lost a bit of my balance and my back slid down a little. Now I’m stuck. Well, shit.

So I struggle a little more and realize there’s no way I’m getting out of this gracefully. But I can hope, so I decide to slide slowly down the wall of the shower until I reach a point where I can adjust myself and stand up.

Of course, showers are fucking slippery when wet.

For a brief moment, I thought I was going to die.

Whooosh. Clunk. Fuck.

So now I’m sitting on the floor of a nasty ass public shower, butt naked of course and feeling sad about myself because that kind of hurt. I missed my head and whatnot so luckily none of my roommates found me bleeding and unconscious and also naked in the shower an hour later, but still. My dignity is bruised.

Anywho, since I’m already sitting on the floor of the gross shower and the five second rule has gone and past, I just decided to wallow in my self pity and shave my legs on the floor.

It actually worked out quite nicely except for the fact I probably have butt herpes now.

#how i almost died in the shower  #slippery bathroom  #college life #don’t shave your legs like i did #also you can’t get herpes like that but you probably can get something else horrible #can you get herpes in your butt

[roguenewsdao]

CIA Partisans in Media and on Twitter Furious Over Director Pompeo Meeting with VIPS' William Binney, Undermining their 'Russia Hacked the DNC' Narrative

Since LaRouchePAC promoted VIPS and the Adam Carter/Forensicator findings that the DNC emails could have only been downloaded at flash drive speeds by an insider at the scene, Fox News nightly host Tucker Carlson has had Binney and Congressman Dana Rohrabacher (R-CA) on his program undermining the entire 'Russians hacked the election' story. Tucker Carlson's willingness to cross party lines and question the bipartisan #BlameRussia #BlamePutin narrative for everything has infuriated many ex-spooks and wannabe spooks on Twitter. Last night Carlson repeatedly challenged former DNC consultant turned bestselling book promoter Donna Brazile regarding the failure of the DNC to turn over the servers to the government, never receiving a straight answer from her as to how and why that occurred. Brazile, who had written in her book that she feared for her own life after colleague Seth Rich was gunned down on the streets of D.C., basically hemmed and hawed and dodged the question:

British 'ex' GCHQ man Matt Tait, a crony of James Comey's pal Benjamin Wittes who pushes ridiculous claims of a pro-Trump Republican seeking to recruit him for obtaining Hillary's 33,000 deleted private server emails from the Russians, has railed against Binney on his Twitter feed. Former CIA agents turned social media starring #NeverTrump ers Ned Price and John Sipher have been apoplectic about Pompeo's willingness to hear Binney out, denouncing this as a Trumpist corruption of the totally non-partisan intelligence community's integrity. Nevermind that introducing the Steele dossier into the intel community through Trump hating agency chiefs James Clapper, John Brennan and James Comey in of itself represented a serious, Democratic partisan corrupting of intel collection and analysis. But Sipher in particular has been outspoken in defending the Steele dossier, a trashy piece of oppo research paid for by Hillary Clinton operatives, as a somehow authenticated piece of intelligence (regarding which, now former DNI Clapper would later laughably tell CNN it 'didn't matter' who paid for it, a position that in any other circumstances trained intelligence officers would dismiss as ridiculous).

In typical spook double speak, Sipher also allows in touting the dossier as legit that it may contain FSB/SVR disinformation fed to Christopher Steele's sources, as the 'former' British spy could no longer visit Russia and had to gather his (bogus) intel remotely. In his arrogance, counting on total deference from Democratic partisans with press passes, Sipher doesn't think anything of admitting that perhaps partisan Trump hating Democrats running DNI, CIA and FBI may have been punked with disinfo by Putin's security services. Sipher strikes us as a classic, "Heads I win, tails you lose, and I'm always right" personality.

If -- as Republican lawmakers like Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA) suspect and former Trump campaign adviser Carter Page has alleged the 'dirty dossier' was used as a basis for obtaining FISA surveillance warrants -- then the abuse rises to at least the same level or worse as anything Nixon did in unleashing agencies against domestic political enemies. If Binney's story is just a crackpot claim -- and no one in the cyber security community takes seriously the idea that Crowdstrike lied or more likely, conflated multiple phishing attacks on the DNC that may have happened with an insider leak Democrats fanatically insist did not occur, why their sudden alarm? The question answers itself -- these individuals realize deep down if that if NSA/GCHQ had tapped trans-Atlantic (and Internet nodes leading into Russia) cable data to back up their 'Russian hacking' claims it could've been easily ordered declassified by President Obama on his way out of office. That point was made by Bill Binney from the very beginning of the 'Russian hacking' story in 2016. In January 2017 VIPS wrote a letter to the lame duck occupant of the White House urging Obama to do just that, and declassify the evidence.

Obama of course, never replied to Binney or former Reagan CIA daily presidential briefer Ray McGovern. But the growing evidence is now making an impact in Washington, that LaRouchePAC's dossier on political assassin Mueller and the VIPS notes on how Wikileak's disgruntled Bernie bro (Seth Rich?) source -- and not the Russians -- actually downloaded the DNC emails shared with Wikileaks. As LaRouchePAC writes below, the skeptics and the public need to keep pouring on the pressure to smash open the spooks cover up of their attempt to cement a Clinton crime family/Democratic deep state and Cold War 2 hoax into place for all time. -- JWS

PRESS RELEASE Former NSA Analyst Binney Meets with CIA at Trump's Request to Dispute Russian Hack

Nov. 7, 2017 (EIRNS)—The Intercept published an article today under the byline of James Risen and Duncan Campbell, which states that Bill Binney, the former National Security Agency expert who has exposed the fraud of the "Russian hack" of the Democratic National Committee computers, met with Director of Central Intelligence Mike Pompeo on Oct. 24 at the specific request of President Donald Trump.

Binney presented the CIA with his demonstration that there was no Russian hack of the Democratic National Committee and of John Podesta, the central tenet of the Russiagate hysteria now gripping the United States. Binney states that Pompeo asked him whether he would be willing to meet with the FBI and NSA, and that Binney said he would, of course, meet with these agencies. He had not heard back from Pompeo at the time of the article.

The Risen-Campbell Intercept article rails against Pompeo for meeting with Binney and claims that the CIA Director hearing actual evidence about the non-existent Russian hack at the request of President Trump means that Pompeo is not an honest broker of relations between the President and the CIA. This assertion rests on the the completely false idea peddled by the news media and the coup maestros that the Justice Department and similar institutions are independent of the Presidency, which, of course, under our Constitution, they are not.

In what is probably a directly related development, the Justice Department and the FBI leaked to the Wall Street Journal Nov. 2nd that they had evidence by which to indict six Russians for the DNC/Podesta hacks, but would not be doing so until 2018. The same Wall Street Journal article informs us that the Department of Justice and FBI are handling this aspect of Russiagate rather than Special Counsel Robert Mueller. But, wait, you may ask, isn’t that the central thing Mueller was supposed to be investigating?

Other than the Alice in Wonderland features of all of this, one thing is certain: both the DOJ and press hacks like Risen are simply terrified of the truth suddenly beginning to break into daylight.

The Pompeo-Binney meeting, of course, represents a major break in the counter-coup scenario which the LaRouche organization has played a role in bringing about. Time to escalate.

Bill Binney will be appearing on Nov. 12, at 4:00 p.m., at Symphony Place in Manhattan, 95th and Broadway, at a showing of the film about him, "A Good American." Binney, Sean Stone, and Diane Roark will discuss the film, his role at the NSA, his criticism of the NSA regarding the failure to stop 9/11, and the Russiagate hoax, and will take questions from the audience.

See also the LaRouchePAC.com article below -- "Trump in Asia -- The New Paradigm Can Emerge This Week" November 8, 2017

Despite the best (i.e. worst) efforts of the neocon Republicans, the Obama/Hillary Democrats, and the British and Obama intelligence networks, to sabotage President Trump's historic visit to Asia, the diplomatic tour is thus far promising to see the United States engaging — and perhaps joining — in the new paradigm for mankind as defined by China's Belt and Road Initiative.

Not only did the "Legal Assassin" Robert Mueller indict a former Trump campaign manager (for issues having nothing to do with Trump or Russia) just before the scheduled Asia tour, but he is now leaking that he has enough evidence to indict retired DIA chief Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn, which could take place just as Trump is meeting with Xi Jinping, or when he meets with Vladimir Putin on the sidelines of the APEC meeting in Vietnam over the weekend. It is certain that the corporate media will attempt to bury the reality of Trump's agreements in Asia behind a barrage of British fake news about Russiagate.

But reality is overwhelming the British fairy tales. Trump was in South Korea yesterday, where he has expressed optimism that a solution to the North Korean crisis is coming into focus, as a direct result of China, which, he said, is "trying very hard to solve the problem," as well as similar support from Russia. This must have caused hysteria in the Mueller camp back home.

Also, in China, the new U.S. Ambassador Terry Branstad told Xinhua that there is tremendous excitement on both sides of the Pacific about Trump's visit, and deep feelings that "this could be very historic and significant." He said that there is an intention to "advance economic cooperation and prosperity in both America as well as in China."

Meanwhile, both political parties in the United States are in a state of disintegration — something Lyndon LaRouche has long welcomed, and promoted, as necessary to allow the population to break out of the straitjacket of party politics, and to address the truth directly. As long ago as 2004, LaRouche wrote, in the essay Toward a Second Treaty of Westphalia: The Coming Eurasian World":

"In an existential crisis, such as the present world situation, which has those or similar attributes of a threatened general breakdown of the system, the danger comes chiefly from the leadership which fails to break with the pre-established policy-shaping trends, the failure to break in the way President Franklin Roosevelt did in his 1932 election campaign, and in the turnabout in U.S. policy which he introduced beginning his first hours in the Administration.... The great leader for a time of crisis is one whose selection breaks the rules, those rotten rules which are the relevant expression of the relevant, essential corruption."

This is potentially the case with Donald Trump, who is certainly breaking the "rotten rules" of the two Wall Street controlled political parties, attacking the corrupt leadership of the Republican Party equally with the leftover Obama/Hillary crowd in the Democratic Party, while also willing to work with the few honest elements of each. As Helga Zepp-LaRouche said: If Trump fully joins the New Silk Road, he could go down as one of the greatest of American Presidents.

Helga LaRouche today drew attention to the irony in the crisis within the Democratic Party. Here are the people who are screaming against "dictatorship" in Russia and China, who rant that Xi Jinping is the new Stalin who denies the people their rights, who is chosen only by the elites. This ignores, of course, the fact that both Putin and Xi Jinping enjoy massive support from the overwhelming majority of their populations. And, now, the world knows (in part due to the Donna Brazile book released this week) that the oh-so-democratic Democratic Party elite had chosen their presidential candidate, Hillary Clinton of Wall Street, over a year before the Democratic Party primaries and convention, in which "the people" are supposed to elect their candidate. And, they sabotaged the campaigns of each of her opponents. So much for what Lyndon LaRouche calls the "two potty system."

We are experiencing a pregnant moment in history, a phase change, in which the old order is disintegrating, but the new paradigm has not yet been established. It can be one of a new global era of peace and development, or it can collapse into depression and war. It can be a community of shared future, as Xi Jinping describes it, or a New Dark Age. To a great extent, it depends on every individual, each of whom, in a time of drastic change, has a power to move history, if they choose to act on the basis of their true humanity.