#but even i am aware thats not the decent thing to send

[baekuras]

Took a peek into the message preview and my mother latest message starts with “I don’t know why I haven’t heard anything from you-” and like Her last message ended with “You could have messaged me-I could be dead by now”

like how the FUCK do you answer that? K? Cool man?👍? I hope so? So could you on any other day? Lmao I have been dead since 13????? I just??????????? no?

[dottores]

okay well, i logged back in, obviously, because there are clearly some things that need to be addressed and have been taken out of context. just because i’m leaving doesn’t mean i should sit here and let my name be smeared. 

to preface this, anantaru and i had a discussion where we came to a congenial understanding of what happened, there's been an acknowledgment on both sides of misunderstanding and believing distorted rumors and people that we probably should not have, but i’m still going to give a full explanation as to the background of everything so you all can understand and come to your own opinions. plus, if there's going to be a call-out post directed majorly at me made, i want an official address of it.

please do NOT send any hate their way, we have ended this discussion on good terms and have worked out what exactly was stirring this discourse between us. (spoiler alert: there was a third-party shit-stirrer that we both considered a decent friend at the time!)

i don’t really need a reason to block someone, and i shouldn’t have to explain it, but i did and i will again but more explicitly this time: @/anantaru made a post that i did not like. it’s as simple as that. it was a post about genshin characters and sex icks and one of the lines were “venti: too drunk.” i’m not anti-dc, but there are topics that i am sensitive about because i was sa’d in my freshman year of college—that is something i have talked about on this blog before, many of you who've been around since my tr era are aware of it. i acknowledged, and tee acknowledged, that this was probably a joke and was not meant to be taken the way i took it, but the aloof/casual way it was mentioned without any TW of implied dubcon, and without acknowledging that it was at least dubcon and could border on noncon in certain interpretations made me uncomfortable. i don’t mind seeing it as long as i’m warned. if it was tagged properly, i would have moved on without much care, but it wasn’t, so i was scrolling through the post snorting and was hit with that and i was made uncomfortable because i didn't like how it was just being passed off as an ick, and i blocked. there was no reason for it to go beyond what it did, yet we are here. anantaru mentioned that if you frequent their blog, you would know that they often write about venti and reader being drunk—i don’t frequent their blog, in fact this was my first encounter with them being reblogged onto my dash by shared mutuals, so it rubbed me wrong. thats the end of it. 

i’m not sure the exact timing, but i believe it was two(?) weeks after this, when i reblogged an unpopular opinion’s post with an opinion that i thought was fairly harmless. sure, looking back on it i could have phrased it better, i’m not going to deny that, but pinpointing my one opinion out of the hundreds of others that were objectively far more controversial than mine and crucifying me for it is uncalled for. you guys know very well that i do not have the time or energy to sift through random people’s blogs to look for minors. every once in a while i glance at the notes of shit posts that happen to be on my dash and i’d be a bit startled at finding a minor in them because i still do think you should at least try to catch minors who interact with shit posts because that’s the easiest way to find them. but i was working at a medium sized firm for a year and a half at the time of the post and i am currently in law school, i do not have the time to be psychotic about people’s likes and interaction, and even if i did have the time?? i’ve always gotten incredible interaction from y’all lmfao, imposing the idea that i’m jealous is entirely inane. i do still stand by the fact that my words were twisted, i was made out, more than once and by more than one person after the next bullet point's events, to have been some psycho that stalks peoples’ posts for excuses as to why they get interaction when that is simply not the case. 

regardless, after this incident, anantaru made a vague post that was almost directly quoting my tags from the reblog and was thus sent to me because many shared mutuals put together that it was about my tags. this was upsetting for multiple reasons 1) i had blocked anantaru by this point so i felt a bit violated that i was being vagued for something by someone that i blocked. 2) i started getting hate anons en masse after it, some of which were very unnecessarily explicit. needless to say, i was very upset and made a subpost on my main account after noticing i’ve been blocked on ao3 because 1) i was already upset and i didn’t even know why anantaru seemed to have it out for me much less go to the point of blocking on ao3 which leads into my next point and 2) i thought it was a bit ridiculous because the only thing blocking on ao3 stops is people from commenting on posts and i clearly was not going to comment on a post of someone who i was not on good terms with. reasoning aside, anantaru can block who they want and i was out of line for making comments about that in particular. i’ll admit that, and apologize for it. 

a screenshot was taken from my personal—not a good moment for me, obviously, but anantaru claimed in their post that it was about them with no evidence. i dmed them about this in particular because i was genuinely confused, we spoke about it, i offered them proof that it was not them because i had a discussion about this post with a close friend at the time of posting it and they believed me. i will attach screenshots below (cropped because there's no reason to attach the whole conversation) because i feel as if this accusation was rather extreme and i wish it would’ve been removed because it was obviously not my best moment. an explanation for the post itself, i was upset over plagiarism accusations regarding something i put my heart and soul into and then seeing the same person that made them consistently on my dash just straight up triggered me, for lack of a better word lol, so i made a vent on my personal. how it got misconstrued as to be anything about anantaru is baffling to me but i suppose that's a question for the subject of our next bullet point. i don’t want to go into detail about the accusations in themselves because i don’t want people to send the actual person who it’s about hate. regardless, that post was not about anantaru, i have never called them a cunt nor have i ever called them a gatekeepy cunt, though i’m beginning to think i should probably remove the word from my vocabulary atp, i use it far too flippantly. anyway, i do not know them well enough to formulate any sort of opinion like that. aside from that, in our discussion we came to an understanding over it and i wish that would have been cleared on their blog as wel. so i'll attach here (i crossed some out because i don't want to breach any boundaries regarding what anantaru might be comfortable sharing but i do think it's fair for me to want this particular point fully cleared as it was a bold accusation remaining up):

5. in our discussion, we came to realize that we have/had a shared mutual who was fostering discourse between the two of us. many of you will recognize her as audri aka alucrds, who has supposedly left tumblr by this point—i suspected this and anantaru has confirmed it while we were talking. audri was sending anantaru my posts claiming that they were about anantaru, but i will stress that the only actual discussions i ever had with anyone about anantaru was with tee and eris about that initial joke because it had upset me at the time, it never extended beyond that and it certainly was never with audri. my only conversation with audri that mentioned anantaru at all was probably around a week or so after i made the post in point 3, when audri asked me about ao3 blocking in casual conversation and i offhandedly mentioned that anantaru had blocked me on there—audri was a close friend at that point and iirc, she had actually told me right after that that anantaru had her blocked on tumblr, i had no idea that they'd been mutuals at all but either way, it was an offhanded comment that led to nowhere (or so i thought LOL). looking back on it, it was clearly her baiting me into giving her information about the post i made a week or so prior because after talking with anantaru, they explained that they got an anonymous message claiming that i was shit talking them for blocking them on ao3 and the only person that could have put together that the vent post from point 3 was about anantaru was audri herself. audri continued to evidently cherry-pick random vent posts of mine to show anantaru and claim that they were about them. why? i wish i could tell you. i considered audri a decent enough friend, and though she had her fair share of issues with mutuals and other friends of mine, i never really thought she’d stoop to this with me. but i guess there’s really no explaining people who thrive in discourse.

6. my comment in my most recent post about being harassed on ao3 and in comments and in asks was not about them at all. i thought it was very clearly about heliotropes (my dottore series) and pressure to update from certain readers, but i'm clarifying that now.

7. i never intended on directly addressing this, which is why i did not directly name anantaru in my post, if i’d known at the time that tee was going to end up addressing all of this, i would’ve just been straight up with all of it.

anyway, i think that’s all, hopefully this will be the last post for real as i am tired mentally and now i am also physically sleep deprived. i've been up since three so forgive me for typos and grammar errors. this all has gone on for over a year. sorry for all the discourse on y'all's dash, wish i could have left with a bit more grace than this. rumors have been blown out of proportions and blindly believed, things have been taken out of context, such is life. i made my fair share of mistakes on my personal blog with my vents, others have admitted and owned up to their own mistakes, some will never admit to their mistakes. such is life. it moves on, always does. i know all of y'all are smart enough to come to your own opinions.

over and out, sorry again, and logged out (hopefully for real this time),

cat

[sexhaver]

i wanna prod at ur catholic confession post actually. like yes, murder and child rape is obviously bad and there is an inherent problem with how the catholic church shields abusers. but i think removing some of the restrictions of what a priest can or cannot say about a confession could cause some problems. like, for example, how a lot of priests considerer LGBT people to be child abusers/predatory! hypothetically if the cath church made it so preists could openly condemn confessions guilty of child abuse, and if the church considers identifying as LGBT as child abuse, then that could cause problems if someone confessed to IDing as gay/trans. or alternatively, what if someone confesses to killing a rapist/sexual abuser. a priest could use that confession to testify against them and get them imprisoned. is it ok to imprison people for murdering their abusers? idk, but i dont like the idea of the catholic church having that power having a blanket statement that priests cant mention ANY confessions makes it *slightly* more immune to corruption IMO. obviously i dont think this solution is perfect, but my alternative would be to dissolve the catholic church entirely, and i dont think thats happening anytime soon.

well as you point out there isn't really a good solution to this, and that is because the idea of confession is inherently dumb as fuck. everything the catholic church considers a sin falls into one of three categories:

failing to be pious enough (forgetting to pray, missing church, taking the Lord's name in vain). keeping these secret is fine because they aren't, like, actual crimes, and in small + devout enough communities there are definitely priests who would gossip about to their neighbors if not for the confessional seal.

really cool and good activities that are only an issue if you were raised to believe that they would send you to eternal neverending torture after death (jacking off, being gay, having premarital sex, getting/considering an abortion). these should obviously be kept secret because they're embarrassing and potentially dangerous. however, this is kind of a moot point, because any decent person (priest or otherwise) would understand this without needing a confessional seal making it official. so these need the seal to stop the average priest from tattling to a kid's parents when they confide in them.

actual literal crimes with prison sentences and everything (rape, murder, manslaughter, assault). you should not be telling anyone about these if you can help it. what the fuck guys. this isn't even an ethics thing, this is a "don't be fucking stupid" thing. if you murdered your abuser and got away with it, good for you! now shut the fuck up about it because murder is still illegal. is the guilt eating you alive so badly that you need absolution from God about it (cringe)? do what Protestants figured out centuries ago and cut the middleman out of the equation by talking to the J.C. directly via personal prayer! yes i am aware this is heretical. if you care about heresy more than getting caught you are stupid.

so looking at the three points above, the best argument in favor of confessional seal that i can formulate is "sure, it allows murderers and abusers to literally have their actions condoned by God with the explicit guarantee of never being held legally accountable or even changing their behavior (just say a few Hail Maries), but think about the consequences of removing it! priests would be even MORE bigoted than they already are! some of them might even GOSSIP!" like hm, okay, i hear you, you make some excellent points, i think we should nuke the Vatican

[frogtanii]

🔮-

can i confess something really quick-

i was gonna send you one ask anonymously, and that was it, maybe chirp in every once in a while.

i wasnt gonna even set myself aside as crystal ball anon, because ✨a n x i e t y✨ but here i am now. 🤡

this is my 4th ask, and i have decided to stay because i feel vv loved whenever i see you interacting with your anons and when you reply to my asks- (is that weird akdndjnshxnz) i hope thats okay-

A N Y W A Y S MOVING ON-

from y/n's perspective, considering what oikawa has done to her in the past, the apology must have hit her harder than a pile of bricks because-

Why here, why now, of all the damn places and times he could have pulled her aside to apologize?

i love that omi also tried apologizing (catch me wishing to slow dance with omi 😙✌️), but again, TIME AND PLACE.

i dunno, i just think that the party wasnt the •i d e a l a p o l o g y a r e a• plus, y/n was feeling socially drained from talking and smiling for the cameras (understandable, have a nice day y/n-).

but still, the dance with omi, once y/n established that she didnt want to talk about the apology yet and he totally respected her decision (i wished everyone respected others' decisions- 🤡), the dance must have felt like a small break from the atmosphere of their current environment.

i had to reread it cuz i was half awake when i first read it and i wasnt grasping what was happening but-

ari and halsey 🥺 complimenting 🥺 and being 🥺 nice 🥺 to y/n 🥺 she must feel absolutely relieved that there are nice fem "influencers" and "celebrities" who dont drag people through the mud. *ahem* mitochondria *ahem*

is me making headcanons and sending them to you okay?

and would it be alright if i send you drabbles/ short scenarios i think of?

//askly headcanons//

•when y/n felt down one day, atsumu defo tried cooking for her, and roped in bokuto only because he entered the kitchen while he was getting the ingredients. long story short, they nearly burned down the kitchen but good thing omi/akaashi arrived.

•ok but sitting on oikawas lap while doing his eyeliner?? and putting on highlight?? and lipgloss?? 😩

•iwa tryna convince his s/o to go with him to the gym because s/o was whining about wanting to work out only for them to sit and watch him workout and eat the granola bars they brought.

•i think kuroo wouldnt hold hands all the time, but if his s/o was wearibg pants with a back pocket, he would the back pocket hold and twirly-twirl his s/o like in "to all the boys ive loved before" (if youve seen it)

•(hes not in pf but still) tsukki, if his s/o was mad at him, he would most definitely like grab their face with his one hand and turn their face to his before squishing their cheeks between his fingers and apologizing in a baby voice(he usually gets smacked in retaliation, or if they're really upset, they would start crying and he'd instantly feel bad), but obvi, if its a more serious apology, he would do that but say sorry more genuinely and seriously.

•on the tsukki note, he also uses his shorter s/o as an arm rest. (p.s. 0/10 would not recommend having your head and person used as an arm rest by a man 🤢 HAHAHAHSHS)

and lastly-

*i n h a l e s*

HAVE YOU HAD A DECENT MEAL YET? HOW BOUT A GLASS OF WATER? MHMM, HOW BOUT SLEEP AND NOT JUST SCROLLING THROUGH SOCIAL MEDIA? MHMMMM, ARE YOU AWARE AND UNDERSTANDING THAT YOU ARE LOVED AND VERY MUCH DESERVE THE LOVE YOU RECEIVE?

😠aggressive kith and affection😠

much love and good vibes

ʕっ•ᴥ•ʔっ

aww, ur message at the beginning was v sweet, m glad u made the leap to continue to send in asks!!! i love reading ur hcs (these ones included!!) && ur always so considerate checking in on me!! ((yes i did eat just now && i’ve been having water all day!!)) ilyyyy (platonically hehe) <333

[banghwa]

Not to be negative (but being): I don’t know who I want to hit the most, the annoying Jikook shippers that can’t help themselves delving into this parasocial thing they have with a supposed gay couple (which really irks me because the vast majority of the shippers are cishet women - which, just, aaaaaagggghhhhh) or Jungkook and Jimin themselves for furthering this whole burning circus by being so fucking compliant and acquiescent to performing fan service…

like… we get it, you two are by a far margin the most popular BTS members and because of that BigHit probably has a bigger iron grip on you but by GOD, can’t they (BigHit included here) see the damage they’re causing??? Can’t those two show signs of rebellion from time to time in other to send a hecking message (specially to BigHit)???? We all know someday this will be over, aren’t they aware of the consequences of what they’re doing right now in the case of BTS breaking up?? Or them finding actual significant others and not being allowed to share their happiness with ARMYs because a decent percentage of ARMYs will only tolerate their romantic choices if it’s only between themselves??

And PLEASE, can cishet women STOP with the whole gay shipping culture?? That’s just defensive mechanism against competition from other women, you’re not being an ally by doing that, Tiffany

scream okay SORRY this took like 3 days to answer i just rly wanted to articulate my thoughts properly lmao. i think.....idk my feelings about fanservice and jikook specifically are kinda complicated? first of all disclaimer bcs the last time i talked about this i got a lot of people missunderstanding me lol. i DO think jikook are very close and i don't think theyre "faking" their friendship or how clingy they are. i maybe they way they act on camera is "not natural," yknow? no one on camera is gonna act as naturally as you would alone, and i think the same goes for them, i do agree with you on the idea that they probably play it up on camera, whether or not by choice or consciously just because of the fact that they're being recorded, and fanservice comes with being an idol and its ot just jikook, its all of them to a certain extent.

that being said, i dont think i have so much of a problem with them engaging in fanservice as i am with the way fans react to it, which is what may or may not encourage the way fanservice is given. jikook get clingy on camera WAY more than other members, and we know some of the other guys are a lot less comfortable with it. because of that i think its probably a bit reductive to say that jikook are only playing it up for the fans. its probably more than that, partially because they just are naturally clingy and close and they're comfortable enough to act that way on camera, partially to make up for other members' discomfort with fanservice, partially to distract fans from looking too into their personal lives by giving them something "public" to look at. i think where the problem lies is, as you said, people taking the parasocial relationship they have with bts too literally, and assuming they can define bts' relationships with each other for them. i DO think its incredibly homophobic point blank period to act like you can analyze idol relationships based on what they do on camera and name their relationship for them. whether or not they are actually that touchy with each other behind the scenes doesnt really matter to me tbh, if they want to act that way on camera for whatever reason, thats up to them. i just think its 1) grossely invasive and 2) downright homophobic of fans to act like their relationship is entertainment and up to us to consume/define.

it makes me think a lot of an interview with lauren from fifth harmony about how people shipping her with other members was traumatizing even if she is gay because it made her feel like she didnt have agency over her own relationships and how everyone else seemed to know her sexuality before she was comfortable sharing made her feel like she wasnt safe. i felt that way a lot in highschool too, where before i even KNEW i was gay people would assume things about my relationships with my friends just because we were comfortable and close. it WAS traumatizing and i think thats where my issues with fanservice come from; i dont care what bts or jikook do on or off camera because its up to them to decide how they feel about their relationship and how they want to show their friendship/whatever it is they have. what i CANNOT get behind is fans acting that, off the assumption that they ARE gay/together, that it means they get to read into their behaviours as if that isnt incredibly invasive and hurts gay people more than it "supports" them. you're absolutely right in saying its all just homophobia bcs twt stans only care about gay rights etc etc when it means inserting themselves into someone else's oppression and creating a narrative they can use as entertainment.

[princelestatdelioncourt]

Just Becasue...

//This is a fanfic I wrote long ago but I cant find it on my old account. So I will try to recreate it again. Enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The seven son of the Marquis D'Auvergne. I had no rights to the title, no land or money to own after my father passes. But I was good in one thing, Hunting.

I spent hours in our land hunting, away from my father and the chateau. My only moment of happiness and freedom. All I could have trapped in that village, trapped in my won land.

The Villagers called me the Lord becasue I was the only one in my family able to use a pistol, a sword and hunt. Provide for the family. Fix the vineyard, fences...etc. Do whatever was needed to do to have a decent life and not live in ruins. We were poor so to see things like that, left alone and root it even made it worse. I hated it but I did it anyways. But I loved to hunt. I loved to provide for my family. Even if I never received a Thank You in return. I never expected that from them but I wished they did.

I got up very early every morning to go hunting with my dogs, my mare and get a piece of bread of cheese I could find in the old kitchen. Sometimes an apple or an orange. All I had the whole day until returning home and hopefully with whatever I caught that same day.

So hunting was my happiness but it was a monotony. Everyday the same. Get up, hunt, come back home, eat if there was something cooked, to my room, sleep and all over again... boring.

But I had a few things that broke that monotony. I went to mass even if I never believed in God. I just went to do something different. I went to the village and to the tavern to get a glass of wine that sometimes, most of the times I could not afford so I ended up stealing from the back door. And the girls... yes. I bed girls here and there, anywhere. Never cared and I found it funny. Distraction. They were kind to me becasue I was the Lords son but I never really cared or loved any of them. I liked them, yes pretty girls, attraction perhaps but never that heartfelt deep love. I guess. I dont know. I grew up with a family of no affection or love so I never knew what love was. I wasn't unsure if I loved them or liked them or nothing or all and I was just a billygoat never caring of anything.

Spending time with these girls, sometimes the same one for a couple days , sometimes different one everyday or going back to that one that I didn't see in a few ... whatever. I drank so that might influenced the situation s well. The barn, the forest, the back door, the back of the church, the chateau barn, my room...you know, I didn't care if my family saw me with them but it made me alive if they knew. Made me more rebellious. I loved it. My brother Augustin screaming to me I was a lost cause. My father just upset becasue he was always upset with me. My other brother just following Augustin steps. My mother just reading her books in her room, I wonder if she ever heard anything - smiles - but she never came to me about the girls or anything.

But one night things just became a little bit more... exciting.

We were seated on the big dining table, eating broth and big chucks of meat from the deer I caught that same day. My whole family was there. My mother and father each on the end of the table as always. I always seated by my mothers right side. My brothers seated always on my fathers side, on each side, beside them their wives.

I had no one in front f me, it was always like that. Me the outcast. whatever, I did not want to see their faces near me. But I looked to all of them eating that broth and these pieces of meat. Mixed emotions. I hated my brothers and my father yet seeing them eating that meat was good. Then I looked at my brothers wife and realized she was looking at me as well. Well we are family so I thought it was..ok? she didn't say anything, remember this is the 18th century, women belonged to men and they had no power. Like my mother Gabrielle, my brothers wife, she was trapped there.

I continued looking at her and she smiled at me on a shyly way. I wondered what was that about. I didn't thought much about it and i went back to finish my meal. Everyone finished eating. and once again everyone left the room even if I did not finish eating. Whatever.

I ate a piece of deer I had on my plate just listening to the earth, the fireplace was in front of me and I just looked at the flames. Then I heard someone walking in the room. I turned my head, It was my brothers wife. I just looked at her holding the piece of meat in my hands. I wasn't sure why she was there and I really REALLY never wanted anything or anything related to my brother. I did not had an open family relationship with his wife, barely we ever spoke. So yes it was strange she was there now.

"Thank you for the hunt" She said to me in a soft tone. I was surprised about that. It took me a moment to process that and respond with a nod with my head. She looked at the open door making sure no one was around and she came closer to me and leaned forward and she whispered in my ear "you are not like them, you are beautiful" I felt her fine thin fingers on my chin very gently touch. I looked up at her I was surprised to such act. And I have to say I liked it. She was pretty. Pale skin, blond, blue eyes, pink lips, her skin seemed so soft, her cheeks...her breasts...Ok I had to stop myself there. Lestat think! thats your brother's wife. Then a sound came from the door, someone approaching. She moved away from me rapidly. It would be a disaster if someone saw her doing that. And with that means, beatings for her. and for me... i guess just a fight with my brother, nothing out of normal. We fought a lot. My brothers wife left the room. The maid came to clean the table. I was done with my meal. I stood up and left the room.

A few times me and my brothers wife happen to step on each others path. I started to like that game. A few nights later I was in my room, late night. Sleeping. Ive heard the door of my room open. I always had a very light sleep. I looked towards the door. It was my brothers wife. She was only wearing the long white night gown. I only thought: Well....

I looked at her while she approached to the bed and crawled and laid by my side.

"So.. is anything you need?" I said. I smirked. I knew why she was there. I looked at her for a brief moment and smiled. She smiled back and up next I found myself kissing her lips. One soft kiss lead to another and to a more passionate one to end up devouring each others lips. She sat on top of me while still kissing each other like if it was the air we needed to breathe, I took of her night gown. Very nice body she had. I looked at her naked skin sending me more electrifying sensations that now I could not stop.

I made us roll on the bed and now it was me on the charge. I kissed her everywhere, I touched her caressed her, whispered her whatever I had in mind and she giggled and she wrapped her legs around me and her hands holding me tightly her fingers grabbing me hard. I gave her pleasure with my mouth up until she could not handle anymore, I touch it like probably she was never touched before. I kissed every inch of it. And we became one and it was like a blur. I dont even know what I thought. I thought about my brother and what he could have done to her, I thought about her with my brother, I thought about the door of my room to open suddenly and my brother extremely upset on an horrendous face expression on fire to see me with his wife. Look brother this is the way to make love, like it? she loves it. She is happy now.

But the door never opened. We laid on each other arms and I dont even know why all of that happened. She then spoke to me, fingers curled on my hair, I could fall asleep to that. But I listened.

"I have never felt like this before" she said sweetly. I looked at her

"Isnt he a good lover?" I asked

"No" She doubted to continue talking but she did "He....just likes it when he wants it by force."

I completely knew what she was talking about. Again this was the 18th century and women were just to stay home, and marry, cook, clean, obey the husband, stay quiet and have babies. I thought about my mother and these days or nights Ive heard her and my father fight and imaged what happened and surely all 7 children she had was not an act of love.

"He is ... You know I dont like my him" I told her. "but I am happy to know you felt good now." I smiled to her, I knew I was a good lover. "It was very good ....very" then I kissed her. We did it again.

We had a few encounters every now and then, not every night after a long period of time. Secretly in my room after everyone was asleep or in her room when my brother was away or quickly at the barn... anytime the opportunity presented. I think once my mother saw us but she never said anything.

So yes, I bed my brothers wife a few times and no she never with child from me. Thank God! at least not that I am aware of! but no, months have passed after these encounters and she wasn't pregnant so it was all good.

God knows for this Ill go to hell, but how so much excitement and fun was. I deserve the punishment but no one will steal from me all these happy times. My only happy times in a rotten place with no love or nothing but hate and screams and fights, tears and hopes and dreams... I found my own happiness. I'm a brat. I love it. I need action and excitement in my life . I need something to happen if not ill make it happen.

ha!

And the thing is....I always do it with good intentions. To never hurt. To do it with love. What i think is good for people. Lelio makes people smile. Lelio makes people to forget their pains and sadness with his acts. Lelio plays onstage and offstage. I want to be Lelio, I am Lelio, I am Lestat.

[boywizard-moved]

Hi, okay. So um I’m kinda scared to send this because I think you’re really cool and I don’t want it to seem like I don’t like you, but I also kinda tense up whenever I see things that are super anarchistic. For context, I’m a Bernie/AOC supporter.

I don’t know what your racial background is, so I don’t want to assume, but I also kinda think that my position as a poc has kept me from being pulled further left.

For example, whenever I see anarchists talking about the destroying the state (which I am aware is a quite an over-generalization, but I don’t know enough about anarchist philosophy) my mind immediately goes to “so then people can commit hate crimes and there will be no punishment.” While I am aware that our current system was built on racism and that is still very much alive today, there’s also some fears that I have about anarchy.

It’s hard for me to fully subscribe to it because when there’s a lawless society, people aren’t going to feel the restriction that they usually do. And while I would like to believe that people are fundamentally good, it’s hard for me to do that when I’m scared of taking a walk because someone might kill me. And I think it might get worse if government was fully taken down.

Plus when I see people saying that voting for a candidate who isn’t as far left as you is a bad thing to do (obviously not everyone, but I see it often enough that it scares me), it doesn’t strike me as someone leading a revolution. It looks like someone that wouldn’t have to deal with the ramifications of having their rights as a queer person stripped away, or that they’re okay with systems of institutional racism still prevailing, or numerous other things.

It just strikes me as an incredibly privileged philosophy. And I know that’s probably not the entirety of it, so I just wanted to send you an ask because you’re the most, for lack of a better word, radical person that I am able to contact. Sorry if this is annoying.

Hi! I don’t think this is annoying and I actually think about these things a lot. 

Personally, I think my position as a poc and a jewish person has made me lean farther left but I totally understand that we don’t have all the same experiences and influences ect. 

Disclaimer: I'm probably going to be really bad at explaining this and articulating myself. You should probably ask someone else for a better explanation.

First of all, does the government really address hate crimes? Are they really punishing people for them? All I can remember is disappointment after disappointment as even blatantly obvious ones are ignored or severely under-penalized. I’m sure that they do sometimes but the system is so deeply racist that it’s not really happening. 

As for the government being taken down and society after and all that, that’s a really long and complicated topic and is really not going to work like that. What’s going to happen and is happening is anarchists just resisting power and most importantly building care systems for marginalized people and communities. People talk about ‘the Revolution” as some monolithic event that will be guns and bravery and all that jazz and that’s a fantasy. Anarchy isnt about a lawless society but more about: ‘’hey, when a few people are in charge of everyone else they invariably do shitty things to literally everyone! Thats really fucked up and I think that people should have decent lives and not be killed by oppressive systems of government! We should help people.’’ I’m pretty sure Marxists or someone like that are for government takeover or whatever but im not 100% sure on that. 

Second about the voting thing: i see a lot of anarchist blogs getting harassed for ‘’being anti-voting blah blah’’ but rather they did vote but 1) criticize politicians, especially the ones they are going to vote for and 2) acknowledged that a good deal more than voting is going to have to happen to change things, meaning direction action 

As for people saying they’re not going to vote if the candidate isn’t as left as they want or whatever: that’s just dumb. Vote for what you have and realize that voting is the most basic form of action but its gotta happen. Voting is what most people do and is what we do currently to switch out our officials. 

I really hope I addressed this okay. Stay safe dude <3

[artsynimbus]

I’ve caught up with RWBY guys and I gotta say.. I’m not as disappointed as I thought Id be...  SPOILERS AHEAD-- Imma clear up and say that I’ve seen V5, I guess in my mind it was V4 pt 2 so yeah I completely forgot that I saw it already so I only had 2 volumes to catch up on which wasn’t so bad. V6 - Was overall not as bad as i thought it would be- the point of the volume seemed centered around RWBY and exposition regarding ozpins orgins and whatnot- which can I say.. wow interesting. Jinn was absolutely stunning I have to make that clear and Blake and Yang recovering... jesus christ I felt tense.. as they were trying to patch things up with each other especially on the farm. I’m glad the Adam fight happened cause it seemed to play a bridge in mending what fractured in V3 and most importantly I’m thrilled they introduced a character with silver eyes to train Ruby. And can I just mention how JNR is just... wow if they’re not the definition of family then my god. Nora and Ren go so hard when it comes to Jaunes feelings and I absolutely love that. Thats about all the good I can say was in the volume, however the only thing that drove me mad was the fact that the ‘bad guy’ in the volume was an old lady who wouldn’t get the crew a plane until it was too late and she changed her mind lol. I think other than that, I really didnt’ like the fight  scenes with the grim in the beginning of the volume cause it seemed really slow and ‘cinematic’ which I’ve never been a fan of, also adam became such a fukboi that his character made me repulsed.. like he had an intimidation factor in the early volumes but then he turned into a whiny incel bro dude that was mad the girl he liked left him-- like what??? .........but thats really it, overall it was a decent volume that explored what counted given what happened before the journey. I think it was annoying also that despite a few people knowing the lore of silver eyes, ozpin... doesnt? or it never crossed his mind that rwby could do what she did to the grim back at beacon to salem?? Like.. not even just oz, but did everyone forget?? Everyone seems very wrapped up in ‘oh salems immortal how do we defeat her??’ but none of them think sealing her in stone or freezing her time = defeat? it seems like people just selectively forgot how powerful/ what type of edge they really have with rubys miracle eyes. Also, Kars thought he was immortal too till Joseph sent him to fuckin space, so send that bitch to space, like?? c’mon..

V7 - I already said I loved everyones new look! I love the ace team. I AM ABSOLUTELY FLOORED THAT PENNY IS BACK! granted I’m confused why any data she records is in a stored core and not some sort of cloud lol but ok.. Nora’s idea for Thunder Thighs is VALID! Marrow is GOOD BOI! The theme for the story seems to be very much political? Which I think is interesting, and can’t wait to see what happens to the end. BB is HEAVY in v7, and honestly despite what both sides were saying in my inbox... Its not devastating y’know? like, I don’t mind it lul. What I do mind though is Rens fucking attitude, like where is this coming from?? like he’s starting to subtly bother me, but idk, I just thought V4 kinda highlighted how he shouldn’t hide his feelings and that he has people there who are always open to talk with him, but i guess thats thrown out the window?? BUt whatever, renora happened so I’m happy lol! I like Robin and who is the faunus that rolls with her?@? shes adorable! Speaking of faunus did I mention Marrow?? Yeah hes a good boi.. ANyway Winter is going to the the next maiden which honestly didn’t shock me, cause something told me after her character was introduced and when Ozpin was telling the story about the maidens, my dumbass was like “oh i bet winters gonna be one hUr DuR” and so now thats a thing, but I believe she’s going to be a badass one, so thats cool! Overall I think so far V7 is really turning out well, the action in the fight scenes are way better than in v6 and half of v4 I wanna say! The only thing that I don’t like is how mustache guy can just hack atlas with with his 13 iphones and atlas isn’t like.. aware of that?? like when he powered down the cameras there was.. nothing? no one in ironwoods office freaking out etc especially ironwood, which isn’t he at this point on the edge of his seat trying to prepare of any threat-- so wouldn’t random cameras shutting off out of nowhere make him more wired to kinda.. fix that or see whats up.. idk that painted a story to where he’s been fucked up since the fall of beacon but he seems chill overall despite whats happening.. so what.. does he not know about the team that assists salem?? like idk, sometimes this story seems so choppy, but imma wait cause its not done . Also why isn’t Penny connected to anything? like the network in Atlas? Shes the protector but ya’ll didnt’ install wifi in her so that she could pick up that camera stuff? Not to mention the way the framed the girl at the end seemed very cheap... there were a few faunus in the room and no one saw the scorpion faunus going ham and killing people? You’re just going to waait for 1 person who obviously didnt’ see shit to blame her?? Its THIS kinda thing that kinda turns me off to the story sometimes, cause boy.. like hiccups overall aren’t bad, but like in real life they get annoying when its constant. Also going back to ren, I can’t believe they really put in a part where he and nora were really arguing about whether BB is a thing like... bro.. ok? why tho? was the moral of that.. for BS shippers to identify with Ren, and BB shippers to identify with Nora...just so the argument overall could be highlighted??? Cause I mean.. at the end of the day, we all make out and get along so i dunno I just --LOL V7 is going great so far, it just seems choppy but when doesn’t it get choppy y’know??  

[seungmin-jpeg]

Stray Kids On Tumblr // Jisung

Chan // Woojin // Minho // Changbin // Hyunjin // Jisung // Felix // Seungmin // Jeongin

One of the few members that actually 

Spent a goooood amount of time on his header

And his desktop theme actually 

Like actually learned how to do some html coding to make his blog nice

Works really hard to keep is blog running smoothly

Doesn’t ever use queue tho

Really isn’t that invested 

Anyways 

He’s had the blog since forever

Like ever

Got on tumblr to destress after school

Then continued to use it to destress after he’s long days of training

he just wanted a nice looking blog

Never really made his own posts 

Like he’d go through phases of posting his own things

Little bits of lyrics and poems and texts and stuff

Nothing to fancy

He’d follow some block b’s zico stuff

Because role models am i right

So he’d be aware of the big kpop side of tumblr

He’d be the type of blogs that would write short-ish pieces 

Where there was no real plot

Not really any characters either 

Just like aesthetic writing

Something that started out as a melody in his head

And he’d take that melody and put it into words and post it

Each person could interpret in their own way

Which is why those types of posts ended up taking off

He’d never really post them to often

Because i mean how often can he just put a melody into words

And then yah know eventually he started putting that towards 3racha and stray kids

But every now and then when he would think of something that wouldn’t ever fit with the two of them

He’d write it down

But this is how he got your attention

You’d followed his blog a bit ago

Probably around the time he was a trainee

You couldn’t really remember how you got there

But once you saw some kpop stuff there

And get even further into his blog

And found his little written bits

You followed him right away

You were always waiting for him to post another little bit of writing

And when he finally did

It was even more amazing then you had expected it to be

And you couldn’t help but to leave an ask

Going on about how great his blog was and how much you loved his writing and just wow

And of course he was like 

Woooooh someone likes me weird brain dumb posts enough to leave an ask like this?? 

And he checks out your blog naturally 

Because of the ask it links him to your main blog

And its pretty normal

He sees a few kpop posts and is like

Hey!!! They’re into kpop!

And then he sees the links in your description

And checks a few of them out 

And then 

Oh and thennnnn

He clicks on the link that leads to your stray kids blog

And his jaw drops

Because what

He’d been on tumblr for so long

But this is one of the first stray kids blogs he’s ever found

Naturally he’s got this huge swelling feeling in his heart

But he’s also just kinda like

Someone who’s a fan of me found my other blog

Somehow

And still likes me??? 

Even without knowing its actually me??? 

Shook

He cant help but follow you

He follows both your main blog

And your sk blog

Because why not

Of course you notice right away

How would you not notice that such an amazing and inspirational blog followed you

AND your stray kids blog at that

Another stray kids fan!!!!

That in itself was exciting

He likes and reblogs a good bit of your stray kids stuff

And your like

Can’t let this moment pass

So you message him and are just kinda like 

“Hey thanks for following me i really love your blog your writing is amazing. Also i see you like stray kids?” 

And thus the start of a beautiful relationship 

Of course you had nooooooo clue you were talking to the Han Jisung of Stray Kids

The j.one of 3racha

Probably for the best

Because you’d actually die if you knew it was him

Also it’d totally be risky for jisung himself

But somehow the two of you keep in contact 

And actually find decent things to talk about

Instead of giving you his name 

Because he’s smart enough to not thank goodness

He just went by his nickname 

“Squirrel” 

And you’re like yes the cutest nickname i love it 

And then moved on

You called him your “squirrel” 

And he somehow ended up calling you his “puppy” 

And thats just how it stayed

Even when you’d tag each other in posts 

He’d use your nickname 

And you’re follows where always ???

Why puppy???

Tbh you didn’t know either but you just went with it 

Not gonna lie you found it super cute 

Made your heart feel all fluttery 

You loved talking with your squirrel

And he really loved talking with you 

But as the survival show got more intense 

And then stray kids debut on the horizon 

And you were kinda ;___;

Because where’s your squirrellll 

Little did you know jisung was missing you a lot too

Anyways one day you were watching a vlive

And a group of the boys were talking about things they miss

And jisung 

Real chill was just like

Oh i miss my puppy

And you were just kinda ???

Cause you didn’t know jisung had a puppy

Felix had clearly been thinking the same thing apparently

Because he were like 

Wait you have a dog???

And he just kinda looked at felix and then glanced at the camera and smiled before turning back to whatever he was doing before

And you couldn’t help but feel ??? that maybe ??? 

Maybe that was about you?? 

But you pushed that thought out real quick

That’s bs there’s no way that had anything to do with you

So you just finished the vlive and went back to scrolling through tumblr

And then  you stumbled across a list of the sk members nicknames 

And oh gosh

Jisungs nickname 

Of course it was 

His nickname was squirrel 

Now everything you had worked so hard to shove down earlier was coming back

And coming back much stronger

Your squirrel wasn’t han jisung right

It couldn’t be

There was absolutely no way it could be

But you couldn’t help it anymore

So you messaged jisung

And just kinda said something like

Hey did you know you and jisung go by the same nickname?? 

And surprisingly faster than usual he messaged you back and was like 

“Yah, isn’t that ironic?!” 

And you’re just kinda like …..

And then you get another message and its like 

“He also really misses his puppy too!” 

And you’re like 

…….

And he just kinda sends you a winky face 

And your like “there’s no way”

You get a “lol” back

At this point you’re 95% sure it is him

So you take a deep breath and say

“You’d tell me if it’s true right?” 

And he says

“Didn’t i already tell you tho?” 

Youre screaming now

Hes pretty much screaming too

“So you’re really him” you send off

“I’ll only answer if you say it for real” 

“But if im wrong that's embarrassing” 

“pup how can you be wrong at this point”

You can practically hear him laughing at you 

“Wouldn’t it be bad for you to have it so straight forward tho? If we keep it like this then technically i dont have any solid evidence its you…” you say

He takes a bit to respond 

“I guess you’re right…” 

And thus you somehow ended up becoming the mom friend to jisung 

Well...friend… the “friend” part is up in the air… 

[ravenaveira]

#73

Ok....todays Boruto episode was just...

There were just so many problems I had with this ep that I just...

I...I cant even right now, I’ll just list the things I didnt like or am just wtf about

Why was Karin there? minor fanservice I assume bit still that little interaction between her and Sarada just felt I donno...awkward? I guess

Why is Suigetsu acting respectful towards Orochimaru all of a sudden? didnt he hate this man? I know they on house arrest together but come on this dude had you naked in a tube unwillingly and did experiments on you I’d think there’d still be some resentment but I guess not

Didnt Boruto and Sarada only JUST FIND OUT Mitsuki was a clone in the manga? but in the anime they made it now instead? isnt this a filler arc? or is it canon? and if it is then what are they gonna do when they get to that part in the manga? skip it? change it? so many questions!

Ms Karin? I cant tell if Sarada was just being respectful or not but it seemed to be a little too familiar for someone she’s never met and thought her dad cheated with so did they have some off screen meeting that we dont know about or what? I’ll just assume when Suigetsu brought her her new glasses he explained everything and their just cool now which makes no sense but I’ll roll with it

Orochimaru being vague again....shocker

Why is the fact that Orochimaru killed Konohamaru’s grandfather only just being addressed? wasnt he friggin filming Orochimaru in Konoha Hiden? did I miss something? does he just pick and choose when to be pissed about that? was it a error by the studio? who friggin knows at this point

Naruto giving Konohamaru the Hiruzen to Iruka speech but Hiruzen did it 10x better, maybe its just me but Naruto really handled this whole Mitsuki Konohamaru situation poorly, atleast Iruka knew who Naruto was from the start and had the choice whether or not to forgive him despite that while Konohamaru didnt even get the courtesy of that and had to find out at the worst possible time in the worst possible way

In the Sasuke retrieval arc the excuse for why they sent genin instead of jonin is because most of them were out on missions or busy at the time, whats the excuse here? sure they have ONE jonin which is Moegi but still instead of Shikadai Inojin and Chocho wouldnt it be better if it were just all jonin with her instead of genin? I mean you got the 7th hokage’s son and Sasuke Uchiha’s daughter I’d think a little extra caution is warranted considering everyone knows Boruto took down a god even if it was with help, and Sarada with her Sharingan and monster strength? definitely underestimated, and why Moegi of all people? couldnt they send a much more experienced jonin then that?

Ok last ones just a little nit picky so ignore that its no big deal but worth mentioning anyway

Seriously this episode just had me all over the friggin place and Im still tryin to process it all...

Bonus - Yamato said he was going to look around Orochimaru’s lair so does that mean hes gonna see the Mitsuki room? matter of fact shouldnt he have seen it already if he does routine checks on him? if so then does that mean Yamato’s just...ok with this? cuz Naruto’s aware of this too and doesnt care so is this just like ok now?

Bonus 2 - Orochimaru basically put a bomb inside his son to explode if his secrets are ever at risk of getting out....what? I never thought Orochimaru was a good dad nor did I ever trust him and something like this Is not surprising to me that Orochimaru would do but...got danm thats cruel, Orochimaru’s done some cruel shit in the past but this is his own friggin kid you’d think he’d atleast be a LITTLE less fucked up but I guess not, all the more reason not to ever trust his ass in the future

I...I just cant with this ep right now...it was a decent episode besides all the fuck shit and I’d give it a 7/10 based on that but everything else I just...I just cant

[xthirteensummersx]

I need a safe space where I can express my emotions in writing about whats been going on in my head in regard to my current relationship. I have someone I can talk to at least but I feel like I think things through better in writing.

Honestly all the real problems started when we moved away from his hometown. I wanted to start our own life together somewhere away from the toxicity that is his hometown and at the time he felt the same so we made the plans I managed to find us a place by myself and secure myself a stable enough job that we could move out.

First he had trouble finding a job and that was fine and dandy but about 3 weeks in hes starting to get really down and depressed working there, so I did make the suggestion of looking somewhere else and leaving that job if he wanted as the job I had at the time was paying me more than enough to cover all our bills on my own. So he left that job and he goes a few months without finding a job still it definitely didn't feel like he was looking that hard but I have given him the benefit of the doubt because it was a very different job market there than what he was used to.

Then he decided he wanted to go to school, I've done the school thing, I've failed twice. I really wanted him to succeed where I didn't so I told him straight up that if he wanted to go to school I didn't want him working I wanted him to just be able to focus on the school no pressure and so thats what he did.

Couple more months pass and he gets into an online program despite my suggestions of on campus as a more focused experience but he was determined to do it online so I trusted him. Everyday I asked him how it was and how it was going asking if I could help, I covered all the bills and let him do his thing. All the while he's getting increasingly stressed out when I do see him working or he isn't working at all and just grinding his games. I figured whatever I've made it clear that I'm here if he needs me everytime I bug him he just snaps at me.

Until eventually he tells me he wants to drop out. I told him if thats what he wanted all I ask is that he looks for a job immediately he agrees. I didn't try to make him feel bad as like I said I've failed twice and wouldn't have wanted my loved ones to rub it in my face or nothing so I wouldn't do that. I firmly live by the treat others the way you want to be treated mentality at least until recently.

Anyways we were in that city for almost 2 years and he only worked those first 3 weeks and I covered everything that whole time always hoping he'd get a job in the next week. Then finally he gets an interview and things look promising until covid hit and it was downhill from there. They never called him back after the interview because they ended up going out of business a few months into quarantine.

So money got tight as my pay took quite a hit since my job at the time was not suited for quarantine conditions. We started fighting a lot until eventually he says he wants to move back to his hometown so we can start a family because he misses his.

At this point I considered it a pretty equal trade because there have been a lot of things that I have wanted out of my relationship but I had not recieved a single one of those things yet and although he had already promised this when we originally moved to Niagara Falls (His conditions in general was that we had to be making decent money and had our own place which we would have met the criteria in Niagara as soon as he had landed a job) but the promise of finally maybe getting to have a baby like I've always wanted was being dangled in front of me and that is well worth trading in a great job and a great place that was relatively inexpensive that we called our own. So we moved back to his hometown.

Now we are in the middle of quarantine when we do this, I use up all of my savings to move us there so that we can rent a room (with no door) at his sisters place until we can find a place to rent of our own or get enough to but a house whatever comes first, we only planned on staying a max of 6 months.

He was able to find a job almost immediately but for whatever reason I had a really hard time, and in the beginning he was pretty supportive of me insisting that I could use the break (although I could use it im not the type that feels safe unless I have stable income so I was frantically looking everyday) but it only took a couple weeks before he changed his tune asking why I didn't have as much money saved as I had when we were first got there (I have more expenses then him like OSAP payments from when I flunked out of college but to me that's besides the point I never harassed him about money when he wasn't working but now he was doing it to me and thats what bugged me) which caused more fighting between us, everytime I would tell him that something he did upset me he would just tell me that he isn't responsible for how I feel about things and that I'm just being emotional. Now I do have BPD so I am emotional and I am fully aware that I blow things out of proportion a lot of the time. But I'm pretty good at handling it like I can say "I don't like when you say/do *this* it make me feel like *this(usually some synonym for bad)* something I learned from taking DBT and CBT phrasing thats meant to prevent me from blowing up but when he responds with *I shouldn't have to filter myself* I tend to lose it because I was literally trained how to communicate and no matter how hard I tried it felt like he would not listen. Especially when it comes to me feeling like an equal in the relationship. Which leads us to the next thing that was something I wanted out of the relationship, I want us to have a car so I can go for my license again. Since I finally got a job at the other end of town I brought this up again seeing as in our new circumstances of living with his sister his promises of starting a family were out of the question so to me it was a compromise.

He wants to get a used car, I'm fine with a used car but I don't want to wait forever and I do like the assurance of longevity of a newer car. He agreed and had me start looking at used cars(he always makes me look at cars and places when we've looked at vehicles and places he refuses to help or do it himself) so I did, I would send him a couple options a day and he would find a problem with every single one. Then after the first day I ended up not having a ride home from work which happened to be in a snow storm where I found out that it is a 2 hour walk from my workplace to my home, I insisted he at least go and look at the pricing of some new cars and give it a chance because we could get into a vehicle much sooner. And he agreed and made an appointment.

This is kinda where the story climaxes, so when we first moved back to his hometown I still managed to keep a whopping 1500$ saved as my contribution to the car. And by the time the appointment came i had, had to dip into it a bit so I only had 1200$ but I knew I would have more by the end of the month to ad on top of my savings anyways so I wasn't worried about it.

Anyways so we are walking to the dealership its about a 1 hour walk away but he decided to book the appointment for 45 minutes after he was done work. So as soon as he got home we were out the door again. At the start of this walk I was so happy, ecstatic even, I was finally getting something I was finally feeling heard and I was finally feeling like an equal then he asked me as we were walking "How much do you have saved for the car?"

So the first thing I told him was that it was hard to say exactly as I still had a couple pays I would be getting and would have more by the end of the month but I have no idea how much is be getting paid so I wouldn't be able to say exactly what I would have saved.

He immediately gets angry with me saying that I should have MORE than $1500 saved even though I'd been without work until probably 3 weeks prior and still contributing to all the bills. And then asked me again specifically he said "How much do you have in your savings right now?" So I told him 1200 because in that moment thats exactly how much I had, and that was completely unacceptable. So I got on the defensive because I was doing my best here and him shaming me for it was not going to remedy the situation. Then he was upset that I was upset with him, it was unreasonable for me to be angry about him getting mad about my savings. So I finally asked how much he had saved and he said $1000. Which made me right ticked off because to me after all I did in the past 2 years with and for him, he was getting mad when he still didn't even have as much saved as me. Then it became a blame game and I escalated into me letting out a single scream, not at him, I get overwhelmed and I need to release that extra energy to calm myself down I had even walked away from him so I could do it, I had tried to walk away from the conversation before I had gotten that far but he refused to let me. Either way there was a moment of silence before he told me he was breaking up with me. On the side of a road, in the middle of an argument, on our way to pick up the one thing that I was finally supposed to be getting for myself, he decides to end it.

At this point it was literally like the whole world was collapsing around me all my emotions were on top volume and 8 could hardly breath or think. I called a friend to pick me up and I told them everything that had happened, they assured me that they believed I was in the right in this situation and maybe if I hadn't yelled and maybe if I didn't have BPD I would've believed that first but I felt I was equally to blame for what happened either way. Now because I'm living with him and we have no door and I didn't have any place else to go I had to go back to his sisters to go to bed, but I was anxious mess and didn't end up being able to sleep the whole night. And he slept next me totally fine and if I hadn't broken down the next morning we probably would've stayed broken up.

But I begged.

Like really fucking begged, I'm still ashamed of it, but I love him, I've been in love with him for 4 years now, he's the person I wanted to have kids with a life with, I didn't invest all this time to just let him go like I have with guys in the past. He's only the second person I ever slept with and the first guy was only one time and it was a very disappointing experience so there was and still is a lot of fear about even knowing if I could feel the same way about someone else the way I feel like him.

He gave me a condition, that I see a doctor and get my BPD and Anxiety under wraps with medication. And so in the hopes of maybe helping myself in the process I agree. Because I figure at the very least if I go on medication he can no longer use my extreme emotions as his defense.

I have been on this new medication for 3 weeks now, and knock-on-wood im feeling pretty good these days emotions wise. I don't quite feel like myself but its still early I think I'm just in the process of relearning who I am on a less emotional level. But there are things that are still bugging me about the relationship things I have brought up in the past and he's said he would try to do better with but has not.

Here's a short list of some of these things:

Using "You can't bring up the past to defend himself when I bring up points of behavior that prove that he has been doing certain things to me still despite me saying its unwelcome.

His "Rules" they themselves are not the problem they are definitely reasonable, my problem is that if I break any of the rules its an immediate guilt trip (more like a stern look and some huffing to be clear he doesn't hit me or nothing and he's only actually yelled AT me 2 times in our whole relationship but he's very good at making me feel like I've done something horrible when I havent) he however is allowed to break his rules as apparently they do not apply to him only me. I.e. I have to make my side of the bed if I so much as leave it to run to the washroom but he can leave his side unmade when he goes to work. None of my stuff is allowed on his side of the bed even when he's not home but everytime I come home from work I have to pick up his stuff that strewn across my side (I have lots more examples but ill leave it at that)

My money is constantly monitored but if I ask him how much he's got "its not important information right now".

I only get affection on his terms not my own. If I want a kiss I literally have to jump through hoops to get it whether I'm the one leaving for work or he is, its always just a joke to him he will barely even give me just a regular sweet kiss its always him trying to gross me out in the process.

I never get hugs like ever (literally I've had 1.5 in the 4 years we've been together)

Continuous empty promises, hes now getting what he wants and in a week or so we should have a used car but I'm not sure I want to be a part of that anymore but we'll see on that. We still aren't in a situation where we can have kids and despite his numerous times assuring me he wants out of his sisters place as much as I do when I recently asked about looking for a place he said "That won't be for awhile so its not important".

And the biggest issue I'm having is even with the new meds ever since the break up I now live in this endless fear that I could say one wrong thing and he'll just leave.

To be clear we've talked about a lot of these things recently again as the new meds have made it easier to be firm about what I want out of this relationship I even went as far as to ask him to at least go talk to a doctor himself and he told me "He doesn't believe meds work" which led me down a huge mental spiral but I'm working through it. Other than that he did say once again he was going to try harder but right now I feel like I'm performing a dangerous balancing act on the fence of my life.

I still love him and thats the biggest thing holding me together right now but there are a lot more things to take into consideration im thinking more and more about how I want my kids to grow up, and I can't help but wonder if he can make me, the person he loves, even if unintentionally feel as bad and worthless as he's made me feel before what if our child felt the same way. Or the fact he has very opposing views than me on gender and sexuality and what happens if he continues to believe what he does and we have a kid who's gender neutral or trans and he makes them feel unloved and unacceptable because they don't fit into his little box of what he wants.

I don't know what I want anymore.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I honestly don't know why I want it to work so bad. Maybe its because its been 4 years but for me despite my love for him and a great handful of some pretty pleasant times, I've been relatively unhappy.

I pray that the universe may help me on the right path because I'm having a hard time distinguishing it myself.

[identitycris1s]

im back

hi just thought id pop in with a status update! maybe i’ll break this down into categories. feel like im doing an email update (ew!) but this rly is probs the best way to structure this post...

work / school (?)

work has been....aite. idk what to say. idk if i have unrealistic expectations of what work is supposed to be, but the idealist in me thinks its wrong to not even try and find something that seems meaningful / is deeply fulfilling. i think im mature enough to get that work isnt supposed to be fun / exciting every single day but bro this daily grind / sense of dread / utter disinterest / feeling of futility / frustration / disenchantment surely isnt the correct state of affairs.....at least let me try and find something that is a better fit, thats more stimulating, that feels more NATURAL to me? i just dont think im cut out to be a lawyer. sure i sometimes like arguing and making my point and i like that everyone i work with is smart and interesting and generally kind and reasonable and i like the prestige of the job and feeling like ppl respect me and i like the decent pay and the humane hours but.....i feel unmotivated to be a good lawyer. i think i find it difficult / disingenuous to always 100% get behind my client and advocate for their best interests. i tend to see things from a zoomed out perspective, like WHY are we fighting, WHY cant we just settle, WHY are the claimants pursuing this absolutely crap and unmeritorious claim and WHY do we have to defend it when its stupid and bound to fail (cos access2justice i guess but still, WHY), WHY cant we just hash things out in a meeting instead of sending emails here and there and wasting time, WHY do we have to answer stupid questions, WHY WHY WHY

and i think public policy is sort of an answer to that....i think theres more questioning of why we do things and why a policy will or will not work, in a macro sense - what is good for society at large. whereas in law (at least in litigation) its how can we just move this case forward and help the client, which is often not the most productive thing to do in a macro sense - very much a zero sum game. i get that shitty / unmeritorious claims still need to be defended against and someone has to do it and I GET IT but i just dont think i want to be that person defending these claims...or bringing them for that matter.....ultimately i cant fully / sincerely separate the overarching sense of futility from the duty to do a good job.

sigh. well at least ive kind of figured out this isnt for me. which is scary cos being a lawyer in this firm is pretty much a career for life - truly an iron rice bowl, i could probably make partner in maybe 4 or 5 years and live a comfortable upper middle class life...but i cant bring myself to do that. i cant bring myself to not give myself a shot at doing something i actually find interesting, stimulating and that i care about deeply. call me crazy! we’ll see where this brings me in 5 years’ time....:) 

anyway most ppl at work (at least in my team) know that im most likely gonna leave soon. i rly only told 2 ppl (my boss cos he had to sign off on my testimonial and G cos she was quitting anyway)...but somehow ppl found out one way or another. i dont rly mind and ppl have been taking it pretty well and have been kind and encouraging (i guess why would they not take it well, im hardly indispensable) but i get a bit antsy thinking - what if i dont get in...then what? do i just put my head down and continue here (BUT IM SO SAD) or do i just quit without any prospects and try to find a policy-ish job??

idk. will have faith that God will put me where I need to be. he is in control of it all and I BELIEVE THIS !!! I am just a bit scared that his plan is different from what i  think i want....but this is just my human instinct and i know in my head that there is no reason to be scared cos his plan is always the better one. head knowledge just needs to translate to heart understanding and real trust / faith.

ermmm relationships...???

i started using...cmb...idk why i find this so cringey. i guess about a year ago i couldnt imagine doing this and i kept thinking EW what if ppl i know see me and they think im a desperate saddo who cant find a bf irl and has to resort to an app EW shes so lame and ugly and gross. and i realised that is so stupid no one actually thinks that way and its very backward and dumb and insecure of me to be thinking that. and anyway as i get older i rly dont quite give a shit what ppl think of me (at least i tell myself that....)

i suppose i was also inspired by csm who has been quite actively using apps and meeting ppl and taking real..strides..(LOL) in her dating life. i used to tell myself hey God will provide u with a mans if he wants u to be with a mans. but also God can use an app to do that...and if i dont step out in faith that he will do something and i dont take any action at all, how is God gonna work?? should i sit at home and expect a man to fall into my lap??

for some ppl it has been way easier, e.g. my parents meeting in uni and falling i love. i always wanted that - the organic relationship, the meet-cute, the friends to lovers thing. (i guess i tried that last one before and it didnt work...) but i think theres no point in romanticising relationships anymore. thats a very modern thing to do and its not necessarily a good thing? like who’s to say a relationship that had organic beginnings is intrinsically better than one that started from an app?

anyway i havent had much luck haha i think its hard to find genuine GCBs (or maybe theyre just not attracted to me....) although recently ive been talking to this one guy B for a week or two and its been...ok i guess. hes rly nice and seemed cool at first - we talked about travelling and hamilton and the office, which was a good start. he is thoughtful and kind and doesnt seem to be put off by my very slow replies (he replies so fast......its stressful a bit) and he does the whole good morning text thing (which i frankly find a bit bizarre, we barely know each other..?? and ive never even met him irl.. but its sweet i guess :))

but DUDE his english seems to be not great - at least thats the impression i get from texting him. which is an issue for me. i dont want it to be BUT IT IS...first red flag was when he said some weird thing about not wanting to wear a mask at work (not a literal mask - like he didnt know if he could be his ‘true self’) and the wording was very strange. then he said “the weekends are almost here” ?? the weekend is not a plural though? then he used the wrong tense a few times and his apostrophe usage was wrong (”Gods’ love” - bro there is one God). he also uses way too many commas which irks me.

i mean i get that text is supposed to be an informal medium - come on look at this post, there r hardly any capital letters and plenty of short forms and hardly any apostrophes but u see its CONSISTENT and its obviously cos of laziness / convenience - but i think his problem is a bit different...u can sort of tell if someone doesnt have a 100% strong grasp of english. those r basic grammar mistakes man...i get that i sound petty and stupid and this isnt a huge deal but i feel like im settling by even talking to him cos this is not something i wld normally tolerate but hey maybe im getting desperate with age :(:(:( urgh 

on the other hand maybe i just need to be more generous with ppl and l have an irrationally high standard for english cos i am a lawyer and my friends all speak well / text well?? maybe im just being too nitpicky?? honestly hes very nice  and communicative and straightforward and seems mature and very God-fearing and idk why hes still talking to me cos ive been a bit cold and slow to respond. hes very patient which i dont rly deserve.....i myself have a million flaws that are probably way worse and egregious (ahem PRIDE...ahem ego....ie the source of this dilemma in the first place...) so maybe i should just close one eye abt the bad grammar.

i also realised how fked up i am - confirmed my suspicion that i am naturally attracted to emotionally unavailable ppl / ppl that just seem distant / out of reach (thats my avoidant attachment style right there). i think there was one day he didnt text me at all and omg...i couldnt stop thinking what i did wrong...like did i piss him off by being too cold for too long...did he get scared off cos i said i wanted to do a masters (idk this seemed like an irrational leap but i was being irrational)..then i started being nicer to him and replied more promptly hahaha turns out he was just rly bz at work that day. omg this pattern is real i think i did this with xj also - was eager to speak when he was in japan but after meeting irll i was just over it... (i am drawn to distance like a moth to a flame and i am repelled by availability like....a fire by a fire extinguisher (??)). yucks i rly hate myself sometimes but yknow what at least im self aware and im trying to fix this...kind of.. gonna hash this avoidant thing out with my therapist at the next sesh.

on the topic of xj i got a bit nostalgic and wondered why we stopped speaking (surprise surprise it was my fault, didnt reply then felt it had been left to long to pick it up again...) went back to look at our texts and aw we rly got along so well, i do miss him as a friend and im sorry about how poorly i treated him especially in dec 2018 / jan 2019 sigh.....i was a real bitch....

anyway im just gonna see how things go with B... if he asks me out i prob will go... just to give it a shot. update if / when that happens!

EDIT - he asked me out lol we shall see how it goes. 

[lesbianakaashi-archived]

a while back i said i was going to write out all the reasons i don't like melanie martinez and her music. well, here it is. everything is under the cut, but beware, this includes ableism along with abuse, suicide, and csa/rape mentions. also, uncensored slurs. be safe!

ill be going by songs, starting w the crybaby album, because i don't have much to say about melly herself. thatll be at the end. this is HEAVILY opinion based, so take it all w a grain of salt. 

- crybaby is ok to me, nothing super terrible. 

- dollhouse is the first song i don't like; it presents nothing new, because the whole "abuse/other bad things wrapped in a cute package" thing isn't a new concept. i also don't like the line "i see things that nobody else sees" because yes, while crybaby is a character, shes not said to be psychotic or have hallucinations, and i feel like that line was just thrown in to make her sound "crazy".

- sippy cup is like dollhouses terrible older sibling tbh. within the first verse, we have an ableist slur and plastic surgery shaming. real nice. also "silly girl, with silly boys" just rubs me The Wrong Way(tm). then theres what sounds like romantiziation of eating disorders, which as far as I know, mel doesnt suffer from (if youve heard otherwise, please send me an ask abt it!) sippy cup is basically saying "bad is still bad even if its presented in a good way!!!!" and its just...not good. 

- i don't have any strong feelings about carousel. tbh, it has a nice tune and its actually one of the few decent songs on crybaby. 

- confession time: i LOVE alphabet boy. if i had to pick a melanie song to listen to, itd be alphabet boy. its really catchy and fun to sing (plus im a slut for alliteration,) and i don't have many personal complaints. though i do detest the whole "baby" theme she has, esp in this song. 

- soap is just...eh to me. i really don't like the causal suicide line as someone whos attempted So Many times, and the whole fake-deep thing just amounts to "i fucked up, i feel terrible". 

- training wheels is a CLUSTERFUCK. as i said, i hate the "baby" theme, when mixed with adult stuff. this song is undoubtably about sex and relationships, but shes using things kids can relate to and its just...feels bad, scoob. "i love everything you do, when you call me fucking dumb for the stupid shit i do" is a one-two punch of emotional abuse implications and a slur. its just...all around bad. 

- pity party is...decent. the "im laughing, im crying, it feels like im dying" lines are suspect to me, because they sound very bpd-ish and idk how i feel abt that. 

- tag youre it is just. BAD. mel herself had the ADACITY to say its supposed to be ~whimiscal~, such with crybaby being kidnapped by the "big bad wolf". that may be the story, but putting a song about your childlike character being kidnapped and implied to be raped? is so fucked up.

- milk and cookies is also fucking terrible. "im fucking crazy, need my perscription filled" nice job implying all csa survivors are crazy, melly babe. gg. 

- i dont have strong feelings abt pacify her. just that its some infantilizing bs as usual.

- mrs potato head is somewhat decent? i dont have strong feelings about it either 

- mad hatter, and i know everyone and their mom have said this, is an ableism filled fucker. from the first lines, when i first heard it, i thought it was a harmless alice in wonderland inspired song. cute! and then the next lines played. im gonna go line by line and say what implications/statements bother me. "now i'm peeling the skin off my face" as someone who has pretty severe skin picking issues, this rubs me the wrong way. its basically just there to make crybaby ~weird~ "'cause i really hate being safe" oh, bc safe is SUCH a bad thing to be? this is just a bad line. "the normal, they make me afraid, the crazies, they make me feel sane" holy ableism batman! the normal? like psychotic people arent ~normal~? also, i love (sarcasm) how she says "the crazies". mel, honey, you have no grounds to say that. "i'm nuts, baby, i'm mad / craziest friend that you've ever had / you think i'm psycho, you think i'm gone / tell the psychiatrist something is wrong" do you think mel even thought about how fucking assholeish and downright insensitive she sounds abt mental illness right here? because she sounds like she did one (1) google search about psychosis and wrote down everything she could. "oh, off the bend, entirely bonkers / you like me best when i'm off my rocker / tell you a secret, i'm not alarmed / do what if i'm crazy? the best people are" okay, so, im 99% sure mel is NOT psychotic in the fucking slightest. hey babe, youre not ~crazy~ and you dont get to appropriate our oft reclaimed slurs. this is just. so insensitive and fucked up. 

- cake isn't that bad. i find myself humming it a lot. 

- teddy bear is decent as well, kinda edgy tho. 

- now for the only one of her unreleased songs that bothers me: a million men. (major csa tw for that song) she wrote it after watching a documentuary about sex trafficking and csa, and while its not bad lyrically and a few lines are relatable to my csa survivor ass, but shes not a csa survivor, and i don't feel like she should have written and sang it. 

- my personal problem with melanie is that she has her "crybaby" image all the time. shes tweeted saying she broke her nail trying to open her sippy cup, she poses half naked in bibs with a pacifier, etc. it just feels wrong to me, as i had my childhood and innocence and childhood things torn from me and sexualized very early on in life. 

- so thats all! i may or may not update this if anything else comes up. thank you for reading this far. 

(please be aware that i do not hate melanie as a person, and that i don't wish her any ill will. i just have problems with things shes done. and i am not saying you need to drop her music completely; just be critical and use your brains. and be respectful if someone says it bothers them!)

[cyjprojectarchive]

blurry | bambam

prompt: inspired by bammie’s instagram selfie hot dayum could i not contain myself, so i made an imagine abt it B) here it is if ya wanna get attacked by our bamchinja. c;  group: GOT7 pairing: bambam, you genre: fluff words: 3185 note:  sorry theres so many spelling errors its currently 3:18 am and im tired as heq ill edit this tomorrow thanku ㅠㅠ

“Dude, you got this.”

“Yeah, well, what if I don’t? Our asses are on the line here,” Bambam’s worried tone reverberates from your phone’s speakers. You have it on loudspeaker mode because you were in the mood for some mint chocolate ice cream. You just got home from classes today and boy was it scorching hot outside. 

“Yes, you do. And no, they’re not. You’ve been practicing nonstop for this comeback, Bam, I think you have it all down by now,” you repeat a little louder than usual as you open the freezer and take out the pint of sweet and cooling treat. 

Setting it down on the kitchen counter, you cap the lid off and start digging in with your spoon. “And why are you so nervous? You’ve never asked me advice on how to handle stage fright ever since we knew each other,” you comment through the melting of your favorite dessert inside your mouth.

“Are you eating ice cream from the pint again?” He suddenly asks, a tone of amusement lingering in his voice. You automatically hug the thing of ice cream closer to your stomach, eyes peering at the phone resting near you. “How’d you know?”

“Just a hunch.” You can just hear him shrugging smugly.

“You wish you were here,” you retaliate, scoffing as you take another scoop. You make sure he captures the sound of you scraping the soft and gooey substance of sweetness. You know you should be encouraging him right now, but teasing the boy you’ve known for quite a while now is always a treat in its own way. 

“I do. I do wish I were there,” he agrees somewhat seriously. You’re unsure whether he was talking about having ice cream or something else, but you brush it off, not wanting to think about such complications right now. 

You put the spoon down and attempt to bring the previous conversation back. “Really, though, Bam. You’re going to do amazing, as always. Don’t worry too much about it, alright?” You tell him earnestly. If Bambam had never asked for any reassurances with you before, maybe this time he really needed it. 

A slight pause occupies the air until you hear him exhale shortly on the other end of the phone call. “You’re right, you’re right. That makes me feel so much better. Thanks, fam,” he answers with a hopeful tone. 

Shaking your head, you protest, “No problem. And don’t ever call me ‘fam’ again, fam.”

“Would you like to be called something else then, hmm?” There he goes, back to his usual zany self which you can’t help but blush about…

Did Bambam just make you blush? 

“I would like you to call me when I’m not busy enjoying my ice cream,” you tell him, going back to eating your lunch for the day. 

“You didn’t even start eating ice cream when I called you in the first place!” Bambam interjects and you soon chuckle at his predicament. You hear a few conversations bubbling up in the background, even recognizing Yugyeom’s whining to one of the hyungs, maybe Jinyoung, you’re not quite sure.

You move your position to the couch, setting down your phone on the coffee table. You hear a distinct voice referring to Bambam and he responds, but you’re too focused on your ice cream to eavesdrop. 

“I have to go in a few. What’re you going to do afterwards?” He finally addresses you. You ponder his question until you realize you’ve forgotten something really important. 

“Shoot! I have a major presentation for my History class tomorrow!” Spoon hanging in midair, you slowly place the ice cream pint next to your phone, feeling guilty of even opening it up. 

“And you haven’t started on it yet,” Bambam muses. You groan in agreement and slap your forehead lightly. “No, because I thought it was happening next week.”

“Too distracted with me, huh. I have that effect,” the boy on the other end suggests, a smirk almost evident in his voice. You laugh mockingly, but the anxiety in you keeps rising. “Guess I have something to keep me distracted while you’re performing,” you conclude, probably feeding his ego even more. 

“That’s good, then, at least it’s not another guy,” he jokes and you roll your eyes. “Whatever, snake,” you shoot back. 

“Anyway, I got to go, we’re shooting in a few,” he tells you, almost begrudgingly. “Hey, I really appreciate you answering the call.”

You smile at his genuine reply. You rarely see this side of Bambam whenever you guys are together, or even just talking on the phone. You feel a sense of warmth in your heart, and you honestly don’t know what to make out of it. But you don’t let it get to you- not yet.

“Of course. You know I’m here,” you mutter softly. 

“And me too,” he chimes. Another voice, presumably Jaebum, informs him about getting ready, so you anticipate Bambam’s good bye. “Now I really need to go. I’ll message as soon as possible.”

“For sure, Bam. Good luck! You never fail to do your best,” you add, making sure he’s still reassured. Bambam thanks you again, and the call ends.

Now, onto cramming that damned History presentation.

Adding a few finishing touches here and there, you finally have a decent 10-slide presentation for your class tomorrow morning. Stretching your arms upward, you let out a relieved sigh, yawning in the process. Making sure that the file has been saved to your laptop, Google Drive, and USB, you turn your laptop off and trudge your way into the comfort of your bed. 

The digital clock on your nightstand reads 11:24 pm and you feel quite proud for completing a procrastinated project before the day ends, roughly speaking. You ease your way into the duvet, grabbing your phone to the side for a late night session on a few of your social media accounts. 

You go to your Messages and remember Bambam’s call from earlier. You wonder whether the performance was a success- it probably was, and Bambam just had cold feet, but you already texted him two hours ago complaining about History being your worst subject ever and how lucky you are it’s your first class of the day. You type a new text, informing him of your success nonetheless and hoping he had a fun time today as well. 

Before you can hit the send button, a chat bubble appears on Bambam’s end first. Your eyes widen at the screen and your lips part in surprise. 

“What the…” You utter under your breath, hands suddenly sweating at the sight of your phone, Bambam’s selfie showing on the bright screen. You squint your eyes to confirm what you’re seeing is right. 

You hit backspace on your keyboard and type a new message with quick and shaking thumbs. 

Wrong number, headass. 

He reads it immediately and your heart skips a beat. Your eyes cannot seem to focus on anything else other than the blurry selfie of a jet black haired K-pop idol. You find yourself mesmerized at his cerulean contacts and drawn to the straight and full pink lips. Breath hitching, you mentally urge yourself to stop giving in to your thoughts. 

Undeniably, Bambam broke every puberty challenge out there, and not a day goes by without you reminding him that- much to his satisfaction. But you complimenting him was always out of good faith as good friends, nothing more and nothing less. 

However, recently, things have been a bit blurry between the two of you. It doesn’t help that his constant teasing makes you more conscious of the type of relationship you guys are slowly developing. 

And this selfie isn’t helping.

lmao what do you mean that is supposed to be sent to my best friend

You share a room with Yugyeom. Just show it to him in person lmao

not himmm, my OTHER best friend. u. anyway, like what u see? ;)

WTF are you talking about, you never send me selfies before??? 

aww is it that bad, b? :,( it’s just a lil smth to motivate u with ur presentation. hows that going for u, btw?

Again, with the weird ass nicknames, Bam lmao? And you’re just a few minutes too late bec I’ve finished, but thanks for trying.

Also, no, it actually looks really good. :)

pshhh u like itttt bb ;) oh, hey thats great. u should go 2 sleep by now.

and really? don’t play me, bb :,(

It does! Your face is blurred, so it’s perfect.

wow bye

You chuckle to yourself at the playful conversation. Typical Bambam, but you still can’t help but be confused at any underlying message of all this. Or maybe there’s not any and your mind is just running irrationally due from the emerging crash of the caffeine. Maybe that’s it.

You think of sending him a meme- of himself, might you add- until he follows a new text. 

blurred like our relationship, right

Dropping your phone to the side, you bring a pillow pushed to your face and scream into its plush surface. You feel the heat coming off of your cheeks, chest heaving in and out as well. What was that all about? Has Bambam been aware of the unusual tension you, yourself, have been feeling towards him the past couple of weeks? Why is he speaking up about it now?

that was stepping out of the line of being corny. i’m sorry lol

You notice that he was trying to play it off cool, but now that you’ve gotten a signal from him acknowledging the uncanny stage of your relationship right now, you wanted to go all out. With Bambam, you need to know whether he’s serious about this or not. 

You retreat the pilow away from your face, flustered at the suddent flight response you just pulled off. You certainly cannot be this embarrassing once you confront him, that’s for sure. But realizing you might have been absent for a while, you gingerly take a hold of your phone and type a new message with a plan. 

When are you free, Bam? 

You need to discuss this to him in person. You need to see it in Bambam’s eyes. You see the typing animation show on and off as he’s probably contemplating on what to say to you too.

i’m free for a few hours after our morning radio interview

Perfect. I’ll meet you at the cafe near my university at 12. Sounds good?

yeah yeah ofc 

Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow, Bam.

you too. uhhh good night?

Good night to you too, Bambam. :)

“Headass, over here!”

A guy in stylish clothing, together with a black cap, black sunglasses, and black mask whips his head towards your direction. His tall stance and sense of fashion already singled him out from the lazily dressed college students surrounding the cafe right now, including yourself.

You end up sleeping three hours later after your conversation with Bambam, different scenarios of your meet up today forming in your head, some with good outcomes and others unspeakable. You couldn’t believe that you were able to set up a “date” with him with the intention of confessing the uncertainty you have in regards to affectionate feelings towards him. 

He walks over to the corner of the quaint little shop, a cold drink already in place before his seat. You don’t see his expression quite well, seeing that his whole face is covered with different kinds of masks, but you hear him chuckle as he relaxes in front of you, inspecting the drink shortly. 

“You know me too well,” he finally says, lowering the mask to his chin so he can take a sip of his favorite drink. You grin at your accomplishment, chugging the iced coffee you bought for yourself as to keep your nerves from taking over you- which was ironic since you’re gulping down more of what keeps you shaking right now.

“How was the interview?” You ask nonchalantly, watching his every move. Bambam glances up at you and nods his head, “It went really well. More enjoyable than your presentation, that I could say.”

Glaring daggers at him you counter, “Shut up.” He cackles at your response, and then the two of you instinctively easing into your normal conversations of mundane stories and brutal banters, almost forgetting about the original reason of you meeting him here.

But you didn’t mind, not one bit. You missed his physical presence. Just seeing a hint of his crinkling eyes from the shade of his visor is enough for you to feel comfortable around Bambam. He genuinely is the best person you know. You both never have to think twice about saying something potentially wrong, because the other would just use it at their advantage but at the same time turn it into an inside joke between the two of you. 

There was something that he declared which made you stomp your hand down the table in rejection. He chortles at your dramatic expression and casually lays his hand on top of yours. Your face quickly realizes this as you retrieve your hand back to your sides, squeezing it tight to stop it from trembling at the sudden contact. 

Bambam notices your discomfort and coughs awkwardly. “Sorry, sorry. I ruined it, didn’t I?” He admits, looking down in frustration.

“No, no, Bam it’s not that,” your attempt in fixing the matter at hand was futile, and you wish you have more time to stall, more time to just have mindless fun with the best guy friend you’ve ever had in a while. 

But seeing that your stomach churned and jumped in itself after a simple touch of your hand, you had to tell him how he’s made you feel. Or else you’re going to go nuts.

“What are we, Bambam?” You blurt out, eyes fixating on the empty cup of beverage sitting idly on the table. “And don’t make it out as a meme, ‘kay? I’m asking it seriously,” you follow up with a scrunched face, making sure that Bambam knows you’re done with fooling around. 

You peek at his face and he seems to be smiling shyly, hand that was once touching yours now scratching the back of his head. You find yourself wishing you never took it back. 

Shaking your head, you whine at your inner frustration. “I… I think I like you, Bam. And I don’t know why I’m saying this now but recently, you’ve been saying weird stuff to me that gets me all flustered and red and you can’t see that because we haven’t seen each other in a while, but when we do I try to suppress it just because I don’t you to think I’m weird or something like that but our conversation last night messed me up big time, and now I don’t know if suppressing it is going to help anymore and I just -”

You stop yourself from losing air in your system as you inhale and exhale. Your hands have been clutching themselves tightly on your lap and you let go to feel the blood pumping again. You’re afraid to look up and see a confused Bambam staring at you, but before you can contemplate any further, you hear a soft laughter resonating from him. And it wasn’t that of mockery, so you slowly turn your head to reveal a blushing adolescent boy before you, hands covering his eyes under a pair of expensive sunglasses.

 “Aw man, you beat me to it. Why do you always do that to me?” He complains cutely. You titl your head in confusion. 

“I was supposed to confess first. Do you know how ashamed I feel right now?” He takes his hands off his eyes as well as his sunglasses and you finally see his eyes. Glistening in hope and anxiety all at the same time, but the beauty in them never left. You are taken aback, but you try and keep it together as he gulps down and stares right back at you. 

“You always beat me to things, but that doesn’t mean I won’t confess anymore. Yes, I’ve been trying to get your attention more frequently because I’ve… developed feelings for you, and I didn’t know how to handle them other than be more annoying than usual.” His assessment of the situation makes you giggle, and it prompted him to keep going. 

“I was really happy I got to talk to you when I was feeling hella nervous yesterday. It made me confirm my feelings for you and that you make me comfortable in whatever situation we’re in. The selfie I sent you last night was just me trying to see if you kind of feel the same way, and I honestly didn’t know what to expect from there.” He brings his hands on the table and plays with them mindlessly, biting his lip as he looks down. 

“I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel frustrated by the way I’ve acted, I’m just a dumb adolescent boy who doesn’t know how to handle his feelings well. But I was honestly really glad we got to hang out today, you know I missed you a lot. So, I’m sorry if this ruins everything…” he trails off, seeming to want to say more but his tongue prevents him from doing so.

You keep your eyes on him, not exactly knowing how to respond correctly. He gives you a full minute to contemplate on your own before he looks back up at you, pausing with his hands and smiling sheepishly. “Any response from you would be great right now.”

“Shoot, I’m sorry,” you say, lips in a tight line. You think for another few seconds before finally making up your mind. “C’mon, let’s take a selfie.”

“W-what?”

“C’mon, Bam. You have a better camera than mine, so go get your phone!” Your tone was firm but encouraging at the same time. He hesitates for a second but complies nonetheless. You scoot next to him, your arm slightly touching with his. You falter a bit, but you feel Bambam relax with your touch and you smile as you move in a tiny bit closer.

He positions the phone at the perfect angle and you see him trying out a few different expression before his thumb presses over the button. Your smile grows wider at the sight of him assessing himself, but you quickly peck the soft surface of his cheek and beat him to taking the selfie. 

Without waiting for his response, you snatch the phone away and inspect the picture. Content with the image, you show him the screen. 

He looks at with his eyebrows furrowed, but immediately understands and reveals a goofy grin. You nudge his elbow playfully before resting your head on your shoulder, already feeling at ease with your position.

“Not so blurry now, huh?” You ask him. He pats your head in response and squeezes your shoulder reassuringly, the touch of him making you want more.

 But for now, this is enough.

[maddiebonanafana]

I saw your post on another blog and I just wanted to give you big virtual hug. This thing has been going on for a long time, being done to a lot of people. I know it can be frustrating, but it's important to remember that what it's really about is them and their issues. Every time that you get hate, or one of your posts is mocked, what you should do is let it be a reminder of how great YOU are. Everyone has their own struggles and pain, and no matter what you've gone through, you haven't let (1)

it make you like them. You haven't let it turn you into someone who derives joy from hurting others, who doesn't get pleasure from mocking people and being cruel, or from attacking people who can't defend themselves. All they're doing is reminding you that you're stronger than they are because no matter what you've struggled through, you didn't let it make you into that kind of person. And ultimately, you're the one who holds the power. Conflict, engagement, and attention is huge part of (2) they crave, and you have the power to either give it to them and ultimately help them in hurting themselves, or to not give it to them and refuse to participate in a toxic and harmful coping method. I recently read a really cool quote from a friend's grandfather. It went something like "there are a lot of bitter, angry people in the world, and you might not be able to stop them from being bitter and spiteful toward you, but you can make them look foolish when they are". Don't give them what they seek. Use their anger and sadness as a reminder of your strength, of the things that keep you strong and make you happy. Focus on those things and let those be the things you post about. Use their pettiness and vindictiveness as a reminder of your kindness and empathy, and endeavor to show those things to other people. If you ever find yourself upset because of something they do, counter it by sending out some kind, uplifting messages or posting about something you love, or something you like about themselves. Don't let them be a source of toxicity in your life, and instead let them be a reminder of the positive. Turn their hateful campaign around and let it motivate you to be kind, empathetic, and positive about yourself. Stop the hate and anger in its tracks.

Thank you @onceandfuturekiki this message really brightened my day, you're always so kind and level headed, I don't know how you stay that way since you get triple the amount of hate I get. I will say thought that responding to Zumpie was just for my benefit, I didn’t want to stay silent about it and wanted to just let out my feelings whether anybody cared or if she just laughed me off. I already know about the way she chooses to blog, she hasn't changed since the day I first encountered her three years ago (time flies). I was made aware of the fact that I am one of the people she makes posts about and, for one, its interesting that she blocks me but still goes through my blog and picks out posts to make fun of. Usually when you block someone, that means you are done with them. Anyways yeah, I just wanted to put my feelings out there instead of having them sit in my head. I knew she was just going to laugh me off and make me out to be some horrible and stupid person, I wasnt responding to her post about me expecting her to say sorry or stop doing it. It was just a matter I wanted to speak about to get it all out and then block her again and be done. And Zumpie if you are reading this, you probably are, I really do mean it. I wont be checking your blog (something I haven't done in three years until today), but I am sure you will do the same to me, and many others and yet claim other people are obsessive. 

And you know, I get having issues with people that have done the horrible things she talks about having happened to her and friends. Thats understandable, but I have not done any of those things she mentioned. The only crime I committed was not agreeing with her, therefore making me a “dumb bitch”. She says she values real people feelings over fictional ones, yet thats what she says about me. I just wanted to let that hypocrisy out into the world. 

 I also just want to say thank you @phoenixwrites @anonymousnerdgirl @grace52373 for the kind words you said about me and the support you gave me, it really did mean a lot to me. I am not even in your close circle of friends and you guys were very supportive and nice to me. What a concept, just being nice and decent people because real people matter and television shows and the internet don't. Its a shame some people don't see that. 

Thank you for this message really, it means a lot to me. 

[kaspermakowski-blog]

Transformation Commitment

January 27th, 2017

So after keeping a journal for some time, for the purpose of keeping track of my start overs, my thoughts and my off of destructive habit day counts, I’ve concluded that it would be nice to have my desires and intent distributed into space and time. I’ve never blogged before and I’m not even sure if I’m doing this right and if the content is actually going to be posted somewhere for someone to read, but I do know that I’m about to embark on a journey and its going to be fucking interesting not only for me, but for anybody that also likes to ponder as I do and is a soul searcher and a believer of magic.  

After recent events of developing anxiety and then later becoming an unfaithful father who later became so lucky to have a relationship with his baby mama and his mistress knowing the pleasure of having two girlfriends and a son under the same roof, then one and then none, I’ve realized that I have a lot of internal work to do.

The aforementioned mistress Meagan had provided me with a lot of joy but also a lot of sadness and frustration. She wasn't happy in the 2 girl relationship so I chose her, she did make me very happy and the intimate life was amazing. However she developed distrust probably due to me choosing her instead of the mother of my child. I did maintain a positive relationship with the mother of my son Kaleb and spent nights at the hospital/ hotel and at Jessica’s house (mom), fighting through Kalebs developmental disorder called biliary atresia. To make a long story short Jessica and I....  we’re still cool, cooler than most x couples and this threatened Meagan, strained our relationship and turned me into an asshole or kept me one... it was a battle I could never win.

So we broke up... well kinda. We still saw each other talked to each other on the phone  every day and were exclusive to each other, apparently I wasn’t even able to have single female friends. So as you can see... still a dysfunctional relationship. But I’d take anything, I guess my confidence needed work.  So this went on for some time, I leaned on my addictions to tobacco, weed, porn and daily gratification to get me through the days. My self love was hindered, my confidence lacking in the bedroom, developing fear of the next encounter with her and my social life was lacking.

I ended up trying to take control of my insecurities by getting healthy mentally, and physically. I stay away from conventional meat and dairy... most of the time and I’m 60 days pot and tobacco free.This provided me with a flawless digestive system (which I was having problems with) lungs to breath with, a stronger immune system and some confidence but small victories.....

Some of my not so proud accomplishments... porn again, after day 50 and long sad attempt of connection with my one and only I made myself feel better, ... I did not feel better. But I think I’ve severed the link between me and Meagan for the last time.So hence the time to start fresh? (Meagan always said that I was addicted to starting over....) I have not started to meditate which I really want to, but I always come up with an excuse why its a waste of time...my mind is so funny. But then. I also always find a way to waste my time (shows, social media and what not). My interaction with people sucks too... I judge, I seem to have the right answers where I really I cant even get a grip on my own shit, and I seemed to always argue even when I don’t want to. Finally, I’m swimming debt, I work seasonally and have no stability, my house needs to be renovated and at least cleaned.  

So I know I’m capable of awesome momentum because I had some prior to my relapse, So I’m making a commitment to myself and the world to pick some rituals. There’s this motivation speaker by the name of Tony Robbins, the guy really speaks to me and I know what to aim for, I need structure, I need focus i need to start now and be comftorable with being uncomfortable. I’ve developed some areas of improvement on paper that describes my ultimate vision and purpose in various category’s such as health, love, family and fiances. I plan to focus on the category’s as I progress on this journey. So this is my 90 day commitment.  Which mostly includes controlling undeserved instant gratification, a global epidemic.

1. Monk Mode No Fap.... look it up. But it means no mindless watching of porn (this is the big one), but also movies, shows, trolling the facebook, dating sites but also controlling personal sexual thoughts. This also means no masturbating, touching or stimuli of any kind.  No more gratification to artificial and imagined stimuli. Real relationships are ok, providing their fulfilling and  based on love and affection.

2. Daily Stretch Morning and night, I never liked it but I know that flexibility helps in life period, it makes you well... flexible to what life throws your way and connects your mind to your body. We as people are always in our head and never in our bodies stretching provides a link and its one way to simply take care of yourself.

3. Daily Meditation/ Mindful Gratitude So this is a hard one for me but I’m going to develop a daily practice, there’s lots out there on way I should, or why everyone should so I won’t tell you all my reasons. But the main one, I want to be content, I want to know the world I live in, I want to control my thoughts and not have them control me. I don’t want to worry about things that do not matter. I want to live an authentic life and connect with the world and with the people in it. I want to appreciate what I have, what I experienced and what is to come. Because I am one fucking privileged individual.

4. Daily Exercise Another one that does not need to be explained but. Training for life, to feel good, to be confident, to be strong. To take care of myself. To give purpose to this young body so it doesn't wither away to nothing. To improve all the processes that are inside me.

5. Daily study. languages, reading and development I never have time for the things I would actually want to do with my spare time so I need to incorporate improvement in my daily activities or I’ll never improve. I speak Polish but not good enough to speak freely and confidently with my family member is Poland so I want to improve. Also, ever since I had the time of my life with Meagan in Cuba I’ve been dead set to learn Spanish, so I’m going to learn Spanish! I also have a lot of growing to do in how i communicate and think and plan so developing those through reading and study is also important to me.

6. Working to complete Renovations. My house is my ticket out of the secluded little town of Wawa. I’ve loved nature but I also really need a life and I will never get what I want here. So the fact that I’m in debt but own a house gives me an edge... the market here sucks, all houses sell for less than 100k if that gives you an idea and also I bought my fix me up er for 24600 so less than most people spend on a car. But if I’m to get out of this hole I need to rent or sell my house, and fixing it up will get me there.

7. Developing Time Management and my Personal Legend. I need to develop focus and discipline and I’m starting now. I know my mind tells me what I feel like doing, well I need to tell my mind what to do. This is key, my actions or no action is all determined by what I’m thinking and how juiced or excited I am about something. The more I do it, the more momentum it will acquire. Go to bed a decent time, wake up early and enact my rituals. I must be successful and continuously strive to better my life situation. This means I must actively be looking for opportunities, improving my resume and networking.

8. Exclusion of unhealthy substances entering my body. I’ve had a problem with smoking, toking, drinking  and generally eating like shit. NO More of that! I’m going to be mindful of what I allow into my body, because I’m the master of that and that is an important position that I will not take lightly anymore.  I will plan my meals so that their nutritious and delicious with lots of the good things I need to power me through my day. Thats not to say I’ll never have a glass of wine or smoke a joint in good taste in a comftorable social environment it just I can’t right now I need to gain control first. As for the smoking tobacco, its safe to say I’ll never touch the stuff again because I’m a fiend to it and I know that so goodbye forever or kill me slowly forever... I prefer the goodbye.

9. Keeping a clean environment/ being Mindful. I’ve been living in filth and its depressing. If I want to feel better I need to keep the house, my car and my mind clear of clutter. I need to be aware of the clutter of my mind and ensure that I’m grateful and mindful of the moment I have and of what I’m thinking and feeling in that present moment, being alive is an active activity and it can pass you by if your not paying attention to it.

10. Fast for 21 days This will be the door way into my new life, I would have had my body and mind prepared to take this on and after the fast I will begin the new chapter of my life with past mistakes a thing of the past. My rituals will be well established and I will really get some clarity to the road that lays before me. THis is going to happen in April, the month of my sons birthday and the end of my first 90 days. I will have a whole other blog keeping track of this I think but we will see if I can figure this blogging stuff out first. So there you have it. I just watched my last porn clip, almost bought a joint to send me off, but I’m still doing great there so I decided against it.

Conclusion

I feel shitty now and that’s a good indication that I need to get on my path, as soon as I post this its on, and I’m not stopping for no one. If your reading this wish me luck and hopefully it might inspire you to get off your ass and get your shit together, but really all this is, is mostly a prayer to solidify my intent. I burning my boats and taking this fucking island and when I get discouraged I’ll remember that a bucket fills drop by drop. I’ll keep everyone posted.  

Kasper over and out