#also the fact that u can tell what my mental state is like from the amt of drawings in my spiderman folder

[pbnmj]

assorted sketches (personally very obsessed w petermj rn and the fact that the 2020 run of noir colored his hair/eyes as black/grey. peter parker the man that you are....)

[levmada]

PLEASE write about Levi’s mental state, i’m begging you

He’s faced death and precarious situations since he was born, yet he’s still standing strong and hopeful, WHAT THE HELL I LOVE MY SHORT KING

IT'S FINALLY HERE😭im sorry anon i hope you're around to see this and if u are i hope i dont disappoint

the tone in this analysis is so weird because i kept getting caught between 'this is an apa paper no contractions, academic language, double spacing -' and 'this is a tumblr post about a fictional blorbo wtf r u on'

i also use some scientific language i try my best to explain but if this turns anyone off i don't blame them because im unhealthily obsessed

*i'm a third-year undergraduate psychology student w/ a concentration in psychopathology

tw/cw: discussion of childhood exposure to sex (not assault)

Foreword

I’ve been putting this off for a while (I’m forgetful and this topic is intimidating what can I say), but being a year out from graduating with my bachelor’s to become a mental health professional, and being a Levi scholar(/hj), I wanted to give this a shot. 

I wanted to dissect and examine Levi Ackerman’s mental health “currently” (as in general canon), and explain as thoroughly but as simply as possible how and why he thinks and acts the way he does.

Seeing how AOT is pretty renowned for leaving out the ‘insignificant’ details, especially character details, a good majority of my assertions and even details of his life are built off of correlations and “signs and symptoms”; meaning some things could be an aspect of Levi’s personality, or a symptom of psychopathology. 

 I will examine his childhood (especially his childhood), adolescence, young adulthood, and “present” adulthood, with a short summary at the end of where he might be mentally after the war.

*Lastly, I don’t like it when things I say about a series or character are taken as fact or make it implied that someone else’s thoughts are “wrong”. This is partly built on headcanons anyway, which are influenced by my own experiences. Don’t take away from this that this is me telling you what to think.*

Childhood

The most important period of development occurs in infancy and childhood, especially from the ages of 3-6. This is when a child learns where to find security, love, and basic skills, gaining stability as they develop.

Well, Kuchel died when Levi was 4.

Maternal Love / Learning Empathy / Anxious Attachment Style

Levi was born into deep poverty within a violent unwelcoming environment. Basic physical needs must have been very hard to meet (i.e., consistently fed enough, a clean environment, no physical threats). And where Levi was born is like the dictionary definition of a bad environment for a small child, excluding only his mother’s care and love.

As it’s generally understood in canon (and suggested from Levi’s special backstory manga so far) she was a caring parental figure early in Levi’s life that loved him unconditionally. We can conclude that Kuchel did everything within her power to compensate for both parenting Levi alone and shielding him the best she could from his horrible surroundings, teaching the kindness, goodness, and love that Levi would internalize and go on to strive for for his entire life. 

As far as we know, no other children lived in the brothel. Socialization is just as important for a young child as receiving love. With this isolation, it’s extremely difficult to learn how to connect to other people, or pick up on social cues. Levi would’ve never learned how to interact properly with his peers—aside from use of aggression and violence which Kenny would go on to instill in him.

With the danger/anxiety imposed by strangers, mostly if not entirely men, he would turn to his mother for comfort all. The. Time. 

And she would give him that support and affection of course. This early motherly affection is integral to child development: a child who receives empathy and affection is subliminally taught how to feel and express empathy towards others. 

While Levi’s surroundings were dangerous, lonely, and chaotic—traumatizing enough for a toddler or young child—Kuchel provided a safety net from that, so I think that Levi developed an anxious attachment as a child: exhibiting clinginess, excessive fear of abandonment, and an excessive need for security and/or reassurance.

Paternal Trauma / Potential Androphobia

Born and living in a brothel, we can assume that Levi was probably seen as a burden and a mistake by others, especially by men (both the likely majority of her customers and her boss).

AOT ch69; Before the Fall, ch34

This is likely in contrast to the women (those living and working in the brothel like Kuchel). They should know Kuchel if not as friends, then acquaintances who could empathize for her and her son. 

There’s an obvious trend here. If Levi is going to feel fear/danger/anxiety because of men, he should have a general aversion to men and-or the behavior of men who he encountered as a child. This is impossible to know for sure or in meaningful detail, but it seemed to be resolved by the time he became an adult if so.

Although Kenny in his words was no more than Levi's teacher, Levi did see him as a father figure.

The subject of Kenny will be expanded on later, but it's clear Kenny in no way resembled a father, who also would go on to abandon Levi (at the age of 11 or so). Children without father figures tend to struggle more emotionally, psychologically, and socially. Specifically, (especially boys) tend to exhibit intimidating/aggressive personas to compensate for resentment, fear, and unhappiness. 

Sexual Trauma (Tangent, Probably)

This is unconfirmed but a likely trauma Levi went through: exposure to sex as a child. There’s no way to confirm what he experienced, so I’ll function on ‘probably’s’ and ‘most likely’s’. 

Because Levi and Kuchel only lived in one room, other rooms in the brothel should have belonged to other women, and he was at the oldest four, I wager that he was babysat by women who Kuchel knew and/or was made to hide somewhere while she worked, such as in a cabinet.

(for reference)

AOT ch69

The odds are high that he was exposed to the aftermath of sexual violence (i.e., marks seen on his mother), and the sound or smells that have to do with it. That young, he wouldn’t know what it was, but he should have realized later as an adolescent.

In general, children regardless of gender exposed to sexual content usually experience early puberty (which is just as likely for impoverished children, or children who experience chronic high-stress in general); issues with intimacy; become desensitized to high-risk behavior; negative/inaccurate expectations about sex and relationships in the future; influence inappropriate behavior with other children or adults; sex addiction.

This is especially relevant to Levi’s fear of closeness/intimacy in the future. Exposure to sexual situations—possibly not including CSA in his case—very early in life inflicts on a child emotions and stress they don’t have the intellect or reasoning to process or understand. An extreme aversion to interpersonal relationships, especially physical ones, results.

This stress Levi must have felt, being powerless to this happening to his mother, is a different beast. Children aren’t capable of handling high levels of stress, and so the brain will automatically create coping mechanisms: dissociation (a severe form of “zoning out”; observing the self “from the third person”; numbness; the feeling of living in a dream), excessive daydreaming/overactive imagination, symptoms of PTSD (nightmares and terrors; flashbacks; spontaneous activation of fight-flight-freeze associated with anxiety; excessive worrying/fear; loneliness/self isolation). PTSD will also be prevalent in Levi’s later life, which I’ll delve into later.

Inappropriate behavior and sex addiction are also highlights for me because they shouldn’t exist in him based on Levi's personality and behavior throughout the series. In my opinion, Levi ought to associate sex with pain, shame, and violence; he does see it as an ordinary job—a means to an end. He should be desensitized to sex as a concept, but associates it personally with shame, sadness, and pain, possibly feeling disgust towards it. So it is highly likely that Levi in every stage of life following this experienced sexual repulsion (usually associated with high anxiety towards sex), a low libido, or a lack of sexual desire entirely. 

From a trauma perspective, he could avoid sexual topics of conversation, sexual settings (i.e., brothels), or an array of things which are sexually suggestive or he as a child possibly associated with sex (i.e., cleavage, panties, specific touch). Similarly, he might avoid direct reminders or have a post-traumatic reaction to them, such as anxiety or flashbacks (i.e., the sound of a bed creaking, the sight of wet clothes).

Importantly, it can be concluded that sexual violence was often exhibited, and the idea would be ingrained in him that sex, like everything else besides his relationship with his mother, is “give-and-take”, “victim-and-attacker”, and learn to be repulsed by intimacy. This impacts his willingness for later friendships and relationships as we’ll see later. 

Early Abandonment & Early Exposure to Death

As Kuchel’s health deteriorated, Levi’s sense of security would break down. Availability of shelter, food, and emotional support would be even less secure than before. He might have been providing for Kuchel for some time, even, as it can be gathered that he received little to no help from those around him while she was sick. To whatever length he had to take responsibility and both fear for Kuchel, this would cement a sense of responsibility and guilt in him from the age of just four years old.

He will fail to save her—regardless of the fact that that’s not his responsibility in the first place; a child wouldn’t understand that—and then lose her with nothing he could do to even cushion the blow.

How powerless he must’ve felt. How hopeless. How likely is it that Levi found comfort in joining her? A child his age wouldn’t be able to comprehend death, basing our understanding on Piaget’s theory of cognitive development. To summarize, at the age of six or seven, children aren’t capable of complex, abstract thought like death or the finality of it. But Levi had to learn early. 

AOT ch69

This will be center in his “clean-freak” tendencies later.

Adolescence

Most of this section is going to be rather vague again, but we already got the bulk of that over with in childhood!

Emotional Train Wreck / Lack of Identity 

It’s hard to notice if you’re not paying attention, but in every scene we’re shown with Levi after his mother dies but before Kenny leaves, he’s wearing some variation of his mother’s one dress styled into a shirt. He loves her endlessly, even or especially in death. And part of cherishing her memory, to him, should’ve been taking after her as much as he could.

That’s how to explain why he didn’t become a cruel person (Kenny for instance) as he grew into a teenager, even though much of Levi’s outlook and behaviors come from him (ch57).

The more pertinent question is how extreme violence, reinforcement of the idea that that violence is power, and Kenny’s total (or most likely total) lack of communicated emotional connection affected him.

Levi would still desperately want that connection deep down, especially with his mother gone. This is a major reason why Levi sought to get stronger to please Kenny. For chronically abandoned people, that continues into adulthood and even beyond. A hole inside which can't be filled.

AOT ch69

Chronic loneliness—like I explained before—basically explains his aloof nature and awkward disposition. It’s not that Levi feels as detached as he looks, but he doesn’t know how to express himself or open up. He wouldn’t learn how to process his emotions, let alone talk about them. He’s basically emotionally stunted and immature in impersonal relationships (between friends and especially in regards to intimacy).

The Underground’s environment also makes him socially awkward, rude, of course stoic/not very expressive, and blunt. Levi was forced to become extremely observant of people to suss out their intentions, remaining vigilant of his surroundings at all times.

Levi doesn’t even get affection in any sense anymore. He doesn’t get a hug or a pat on the back, and he certainly doesn’t get a shoulder to cry on.

If anything, Kenny would punish him for showing weakness. Vulnerability is weakness; weakness is death.

What results is a continuous and boundless sense of emptiness inside that can’t be filled. He’s plagued by a chronic sense of unbelonging and loneliness. There’s no time or opportunity to develop “normally” as an adolescent. Socialization is limited at best; thinking of his place in the world is irrelevant when his one and only most pressing goal is survival; he doesn’t get to explore hobbies or interests.

OCD Propensity

One “interest” Levi is passionate about is cleaning, at least. Disease is what caused his mother to die. The easiest cause to point to would be their disgusting surroundings (although, Kuchel was infected by a customer). It is canon that Levi’s love of cleaning comes from "his personal experiences". In that interview, Levi first specifically references the important of fighting disease.

In other words, his "clean freak" nature comes, primarily, from the death of his mother: Filth -> disease -> death, and abandonment by extension.

His mother would’ve encouraged him to keep their room clean. There were times he or she had to have come down with something and dirtiness was the cause. On top of Kenny’s enforcement to keep up “clean” appearances to garner respect from everyone else in the Underground. 

This in particular is extremely relevant to his mental health. When someone feels out of control of what is happening to them, especially in a recurring way, and especially as a child who doesn't yet know how to feel stable in an unstable environment, they look for something to control. It can be weight, bodily functions (blinking, breathing, etc), dominance over others, or cleaning, for instance.

Fear of disease, the urgent need to have control, and the basic need for stability makes it obvious that Levi would become obsessed with cleaning. And moreover, developing OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I’ll go deeper into this diagnosis later.

Lack of Self Worth

Despite the acknowledgment throughout canon that he trusts in his own strength, it wasn’t always that way.

Canonically, Levi sought praise from Kenny by showing his strength because that was the only thing he received praise for. The conclusion Levi came to once Kenny left him was that he wasn’t strong enough (wasn’t good enough) to warrant staying with him.

In conjunction, Levi’s first conclusion was that he did something wrong, not that Kenny possibly had some obligation that forced him to leave the Underground, pointing again to his own lack of self-worth.

This scenario created a complex in him, the very root cause of Levi’s pain, the very foundation of what Levi would go on to prioritize in adulthood. If he isn’t useful to those he wants not to abandon him, he’s worthless. He’s only useful when he shows his strength. Every other aspect of him like his interests is either irrelevant or bland by default in his eyes.

He would go on to make it his mission to try his best to be good enough in order to save and protect the lives of others, but foremost those he cares about.

Young Adulthood

Our first exposure to Levi as an adult is in A Choice with No Regrets, his OVA/backstory.

(By the way, I’ll be basing this analysis off a mix of the manga and the OVA.)

Emotional Immaturity/Affective Dysregulation

Generally, Levi’s defining negative character trait as a young adult is his emotional immaturity/anti-social behavior. Yes he’s grumpy and rude which is always indicative of him, but he’s very quick to anger, too. He cursed at the Squad Leader who offended him (by assuming that because he, Isabel, and Farlan are from the Underground, they’d be dirty), and argued furiously with Farlan that he would kill Erwin—not because it was required for the job, but because he disrespected him—for a few examples. 

ACWNR ch2

He tended to be arrogant, too. Such as when he ultimately called a Scout who had experience with the Titans stupid for telling Levi to hold his swords in a certain way. He spoke to every officer the same as he would anyone on the street, having a remarkable lack of basic respect for authority. He was insistent on distancing himself from the entire setting and structure of the Scouts as much as possible, both to not get attached, and he found their mission childish/foolish. 

He’s rather selfish. There is nothing Levi cares about genuinely more than Isabel’s and Farlan’s lives and the job that will set them up with a good future. Farlan’s advice is the only one’s he takes and the only judgment outside himself that he considers, such as when Farlan asks him to not cause trouble with authority to keep a low profile, but even then he acts stubborn. Levi trusts nobody wholeheartedly except himself (until later in ACWNR).

There’s a cognitive dissonance in him. Growing up, and still as a young adult, Levi’s headspace is marked by fear and uncertainty, with his power as his source of confidence. The first time he kills a Titan (with Isabel and Farlan), he uses too much gas because he refuses to potentially risk his friends’ lives; when the expedition is upcoming, he abruptly tells Farlan and Isabel to find a reason to stay back, and that he’ll complete the dangerous part of the job on his own. 

Levi is full of repressed fear and uncertainty. He hides and/or buries all of it for the sake of self-preservation both emotionally and physically.

Antisocial Personality…?

It’s extremely interesting how a character as selfless, heroic, and empathetic as Levi exhibits antisocial symptoms. I’d even argue that if his childhood was spent entirely without his mother figure, then he might be a dictionary definition of ASPD (Antisocial Personality Disorder).

People with this disorder live day-to-day under the constant assumption that whoever is around them is “out to get them”/searching for a weakness to exploit. Humanity is made up of only prey and predators; morals are completely subjective, perpetuated by the society that surrounds them. This constant need to defend oneself, the effect of the exact trauma the potential sociopath experienced, combined with a muted emotional spectrum, results in a complete disregard of everything, including people outside of themself. They might believe they’re entitled to comfort or admiration, but overall, they’re intensely self-serving, often aggressive, and ruthless. 

Because Levi for instance learned to rely on violence both for “love” and survival, then he might fall on violence to manipulate a person or situation into serving himself. I see reason to believe that Levi could have grown into worse than Kenny’s image if it weren’t for his mother’s influence.

However, the greatest cause for deniability is Levi’s wide emotional spectrum (especially including empathy and shame), while a lack of shame is the most significant marker of ASPD . (It is arguably one of many testaments to his strength that a victim of so much suffering, violence, and cruelty could become a man as empathetic as him.) 

However, these tendencies may still be relevant: A sense of arrogance—both to the way Levi thinks of some who he perceives as weak and live without good morals—lacking issue with using deceit or violence to attain a goal, and living outside the rule of authority.

I go into more detail about this idea here.

Conclusion

As is true in general, there’s very little to say of mental development once someone has reached their early–mid-twenties. What we know of Levi’s young adulthood does reinforce his fear of abandonment, but he finds a cause where his strength and compassion can be “put to good use” and give to him a life that is worth living.

Conclusion: the ‘Present’/Diagnoses Overview

C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)

Levi’s emotional dysregulation (i.e., inability to sit with and process negative emotions), his difficulties in relationships, insomnia, negative worldview, absent sense of self, and finally, his persistent sense of unworthiness/worthlessness are all indicative of C-PTSD. It’s distinct from PTSD in that he didn’t endure one short-term traumatizing event, but he grew up surrounded by trauma and saw it as normal (e.g., gang violence, extreme poverty, death of a parent, (more presumably) physically and emotionally abusive parental figure). Levi as a child developed no understanding of a nurturing, secure environment. 

Negative/Absent Sense of Self

I’ve talked about this at length already, but it’s worth noting how Levi’s perception of himself must have changed when it was revealed that he is extremely strong physically not from his own efforts as much, but because he’s an Ackerman. 

His self-confidence and self-worth have always been built on the foundation of his strength. He’s useful if he’s strong, so he’s worthy if he’s strong. Along with the extreme high pressure his goal to kill Zeke put on him in season four, he might have gone to extreme measures to compensate for his strength he might have felt was “unearned” (such as excessive exercise for example). This is an aside, but it was a blow to him for sure.

Emotional Dysregulation

The causes of emotional dysregulation generally which he experienced are as follows: early childhood trauma, feelings ignored, judged, or invalidated at a young age, and physical and emotional child neglect. Beyond his first four years of life with his mother, Levi experienced all these things (early exposure to sex and likely exposure to domestic violence aside). 

It’s important to focus on emotional neglect specifically, when any and all perceived “weakness”, no matter how small, is unacceptable to Levi. He will never ask for help (being independent to a fault), he can’t define or process his emotions, and it doesn’t occur to him—and it could be a shock—when he learns that his friends care about him, not him insofar as how useful he is. 

As an adult, Levi appears to be emotionally mature, but I argue that this isn’t the case. It’s more accurate to say that he has better control over his emotions (in that he buries them or ignores them) with a mature outlook because of all his experiences with suffering.

Similarly, he’s not outwardly emotional not because he’s antisocial (as related to ASPD, not introversion), but because he’s so “emotionally constipated” that he’s numbed the vast majority of the time.

Relationship Issues + Fear of Abandonment

Because of his fear of abandonment and impaired emotional intelligence in close relational conflict, he’s extremely passive and/or passive aggressive. In order to avoid potential abandonment, he doesn’t go out of his way to win major arguments—such as threatening to break Erwin’s legs if he didn’t stay away from the expedition in season three, but ultimately giving in. He’s also more likely to sneak petty insults into arguments, give “silent treatment”, slam doors, etc. His kindness and exceptional empathy shouldn’t let him be physically or overly violent.

These are likely additions to why Levi doesn’t foster many close relationships.

Fittingly, as a child I thought that Levi might have had an anxious attachment style (clingy, excessive need for security), but as this possibility for security was removed entirely, and he was taught to not rely on others, he would develop more of an overt avoidant attachment in adulthood in combination (fearful-avoidant): making very few emotional demands—even though he has needs—withdrawing when there’s conflict, acting aloof yet fearing abandonment, having difficulty expressing emotions he feels intensely, and fear of depending on someone else.

Anxiety

His cool-headedness even in the heat of battle/war (other factors like experience aside) is exactly what you would expect from someone diagnosed with C-PTSD; he’s accustomed to chronic high-stress. But small stressors (i.e., a change of plans) are overwhelming and make him quick to anger/excessive annoyance.

OCD

Emotional dysregulation is also closely associated with OCD.

OCD is much much more than being concerned with keeping clean or organized. OCD is an anxiety disorder composed of anxiety-related obsessions and compulsions, such as frequent and disturbing thoughts or images (intrusive thoughts). These attempt to be managed through rituals (i.e., handwashing, counting in patterns). Although symptoms will fluctuate with anxiety, OCD at its baseline is a distressing disorder.

Since he was young, Levi should have had an incessant need to be in control at all times. A shining example of this is his mother’s death, an incident he couldn’t control but included dirtiness/disease as a cause he could pinpoint, so this anxiety with dirtiness becomes a major obsession, and the compulsion is cleaning. (Putting aside the fact that Levi enjoys cleaning by itself too.)

It’s a widely-held belief that if Levi has OCD, it’s contamination OCD, as it specifically has to do with an obsession with dirtiness and a compulsion in cleaning (i.e., damaging handwashing, ritualized bathing that may take hours). However, based on the multitude of times Levi was covered in blood and remained unbothered by it (Titan and human), and in fact the obsession’s lack of relevance entirely during urgent missions/situations, contamination OCD is simply not plausible. Instead, it’s general OCD.

There’s no way to know for sure, but I don’t see his OCD as mild or severe. Levi is an extremely orderly and balanced person, so it can be concluded he must have things done a certain way, routinely, organizational, or planned; when the dirtiness is “negative” (i.e., Titan blood, blood on a knife he used to kill Isabel’s attackers), he is never more rigid with cleanliness; it’s probable he suffers intrusive thoughts (likely of the violent nature), a fear of contamination, and/or counting ritualistically, but the most obvious compulsion is cleaning. He might have sensory issues, such as disgust if he happens to brush shoulders with a stranger; aversion to particularly bright lights, irrational rage towards “mouth sounds” (i.e., chewing, coughing, swallowing), etc.

EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified)

Levi should have a complicated relationship with food to say the least. 

In the realm of eating disorders, EDNOS is sort of a catch-all term when an individual doesn’t qualify for the diagnostic criteria of anorexia or bulimia, and it encompasses lesser-known eating disorders like Pica. It’s the most common diagnosis for clinical eating disorders.

I already covered how integral the early years of life are, and beginning at a young age, if children aren’t given a basic need like food, and they must seek out food on their own, it becomes an anxiety deeply rooted in the brain regardless of how well-fed they are when they’re older. There will always be an urge to have food available. Levi’s years in the Underground were spent either actively starving, or going about every single day having acquiring food as top priority. He was a young adult when he left, so it’s impossible to unlearn this (without extensive therapy, which Levi doesn’t seek). It’s similar to compulsions found in OCD: even though he logically knows that there will be a dinner after lunch, it’s impossible to put aside this worry. 

That may mean always having food stashed, eating too much—especially in his early years Aboveground when he’d eat as much food in a day than he’d eat in a week Underground— stealing food, or eating way too quickly (as someone who lived in a place where food was considered something of a luxury resource and threatened being stolen at any time).

The latter factor contributes to Levi’s suggested preference to only eat alone—joining the fact that Levi only eats with Erwin after expeditions. Eating in front of others should be considered a weakness to him.

As time passes with this easy access to food, combined with his extremely narrow sense of what makes him “good enough”, his relationship with eating may become toxic. Especially when the stakes of his worthiness are so high—literally life and death. He may think that he’s privileged to eat at all, and when he feels worthless, he restricts himself from that “privilege”. 

He may be so accustomed to the feeling of hunger, that it doesn’t immediately register with his mind when he is hungry.

Lastly, he may have a generally low appetite. This is often associated with depression, but depression is comorbid with C-PTSD.

Misc.

Some tangents/miscellaneous speculation about Levi’s psychology:

Queer?

Sexuality is formed and shifts due to a wide variety of factors, which most if not all are terribly understudied: genetics, hormones, and your environment/experiences. So again, my speculation.

With his fear of close relationships and negative experiences with sex, I think he should land somewhere on the queer spectrum, specifically under the asexual or aromantic umbrella (i.e., pansexuality/being panromantic (attraction to personality) and demisexuality/being demiromantic (attraction only to those he has an emotional connection to)).

MDD

The odds of Levi having MDD (major depressive disorder/clinical depression) are iffy. Most if not all of the symptoms are comorbid with childhood trauma and C-PTSD: Such as persistent apathy, guilt, and/or discontent; sleeping too much or too little; lack of energy; reduced or heightened appetite; irritability. 

Oftentimes, depression, C-/PTSD, and related mental illnesses cause unexplained physical pain, such as back pain and occasional tension headaches. “Stress hormones” like adrenaline are built-up in the body, and usually persist without physical therapy and-or medication (Disclaimer this mention is based on nothing more than Levi always standing with at least one hand on his hip).

Body Language

Similar can be said of his body language from a cognitive perspective. The vast majority of the time, Levi has himself closed-off in some way, usually by crossing his arms to protect his chest; a subconscious barrier between oneself and another person.

Also see this official art of Levi asleep.

Afterword

We’ve known it’s not just Levi’s physical strength and skill that makes him the strongest, right? It should take immense mental strength to make it day-by-day dealing with the trauma and issues that he does, but not only has he survived and continues to, but he lives heroically, selflessly, with the wellbeing of everyone around him as a top priority. He buries all of his pain by moving forward always and without exception regardless of how painful the present is. Living with “no regrets” should in mental respects be a guise for pushing his trauma down, too; there’s just no words that can properly do Levi’s resilience justice.

Part of me wants to go into detail about his later adulthood, but given how very little we know (right now), I think it’d be too speculative.

However, based on what we have seen at the ending of AOT, it’s comforting to know and plain to see that Levi wasn’t defeated when he “lost” the reason to be so strong, and even his strength itself; he didn’t lose his love for his friends nor of life. 

In middle age, based on Erikson’s psychosocial stages, the conflict that should enter Levi’s life is the idea of generativity versus stagnation. He seems satisfied with his life despite the negative effects of all he went through—grief, physical disability, inevitable mental scarring—and he’s still concerned with helping others, especially the younger generation in a world after the overwhelming devastation that was the Rumbling.

My speculated psychopathologies/diagnoses of Levi:

C-PTSD (insomnia prevalent)

OCD (contamination obsessions)

EDNOS

[placeinthisworld]

ttpdta review part one 🤠

let me preface this by stating that i am a swiftie first and person second in this situation. i have grown up with taylor and feel as if shes my big sister- yes i can make fun of her but if i see anyone else do it i will get fiercely protective. i do understand her music is not only art but also her form of therapy. that being said, throughout these nonsense notes i am constantly mentioning that taylor should go to therapy. i am aware of what she has said about therapy (and why she doesn’t go) but i would beg to differ with her…especially after this album release lol.

taylor is an extraordinary storyteller and song writer. i believe this album is full of evidence of that, but it also has some faults that prevent from being as good as i felt like it could have been. overall the album feels rushed.

i also feel like it’s important to recognize the elephant in the room. i know we probably all expected this to be a joe breakup album, so the fact that it turned out to be a “fuck you matty healy” album shook us all a little bit. i know matty had a controversial history, im not gonna sit here and defend him. i don’t know much about him other than what is forced against my will. i do however know that he struggles with mental health issues/ substance abuse/ addiction. i’m not gonna comment much about his personal issues, i don’t feel like that’s right and taylor’s constant references to drugs throughout ttpd definitely rubs me the wrong way. i should also mention i grew up with an active addict and do view things from that perspective, so i feel slightly triggered by the topic and my feelings about that may just be personal but i do mention that in my notes when it’s relevant.

lastly, i am not a music production girlie idk shit lol. i only know i am a aaron dessner stan so any song with his name im already biased towards and i am aware, if u don’t like that idk what to tell u lol. i just know what i feel like is “good” or “bad” but music is subjective🫶🏻

1. Fortnight:

Hate the functional alcoholic part. Like the beat, the chorus is catchy. One thing i love about a taylor swift song is that theres always a story and its always visual. I like the metaphor of the “good neighbors” of like having this teasing/ longing feeling for someone that you could have had a life with. “Your wife waters flowers/ i want to kill her + my husbands cheating/ i want to kill him” feeling like you were robbed of her life, feeling “all my mornings are mondays stuck in an endless february” reminiscing about the short period of time where you were together and convinced it would last forever (only for it to end before it even started). I do not listen to much post malone but i enjoyed his verse!! So many florida references we get it everything bad happens in florida.

i have not seen the video yet oooopsies

2. Ttpd:

i thought this was the opening of Hey Stephen (the remix) or something at first. gotta say i absolutely love the way she sings “you left your typewriter at my apartment/ straight from the tortured poets department” i enjoyed the vibe of this song, and lyrics up until the “you smoked then ate seven bars of chocolate (OKAY SOOOOOOO ME CODED NGL I LAUGHED at this point i could let this lyric slide- bit then she had to mention the charlie puth and golden retriever thing and ngl it almost ruins the song entirely for me. Tbh when i first listened to the leak i thought this was a fake AI song and that i was sending around a fake leak bc these lyrics started to get a little weird to me. ‘Sometimes i wonder if youre gonna screw this up with me/ but you told lucy you’d kill yourself if i ever leave” …………girl i am begging you to see a therapist (side note did anyone else have a friend in hs whos bf would say that shit a lot?? I remember straight up fighting with a friend who refused to break up w her bf bc he would threaten to end his own life is she did and he was like 16? If an adult is saying that same shit i would be Very concerned not gossiping about it???) “i chose this cyclone with you” my first reaction was: ride the cyclone the musical? Overall i liked the first half but you lost me at charlie puth (hes the one with eyebrow right? I think i get him and miles teller mixed up) (i dont know who either of these men are)

3. My boy only breaks his favorite things:

Okay tbh i thought this was gonna be one of my least favorites, but the total opposite happened. I think this is one of my top 5 favorites on this album. I do think that there is a difference between a poem and a song and that they are not always interchangeable. I feel like if this was edited into a poem it would be KILLER. The visuals, the the story, the vocabulary, the sadness in it. “Im queen of sandcastles he destroys/ There was danger in the heat of my touch/ once i fix me/ hes gonna miss me/ i felt more when we played pretend then with all the kens / cause he took me out of my box” i feel like ever since folklore, taylors been trying to push these big fancy words and sometimes it feels awkward and forced, but this is one of the rare songs that doesn't suffer from that.

4. Down bad:

meh. Chorus is catchy. I dont love the narrative “fuck it if i cant have him/ i might just it would make no difference” but i also have never once experienced that over a person before lmao……….taylor go to therapy. Nothing really stands out about this to me otherwise. No offense, but it sounds like a generic jack antonoff song lol. Like maybe if another artist released this, i would enjoy it more but idk i wouldnt expect it from taylor i guess. Just kinda feels boring to me sorry if u enjoy it <3

5. So long, london:

oh man were done with british men now for real for real. “ two graves one gun. I'll find someone” its over for joe and matty (but thats fine if all she has to say about joe is what i think she said on this album i am happy i think We Get It…) Aaron dessner i love u (remember when he reposted me on his ig ahh).”i kept calm and carried the weight of the rift/ pulled him in tighter each time he was drifting away” + “I stopped trying to make him laugh/ stopped trying to drill the safe/ i didnt opt in to be our odd man out/ im pissed off you let me give you all of that youth for free” oof i FELT that one a LITTLE too hard. I think this is both a song about matty and joe- i think she had a life and an attachment to london just in general through both relationships, “im just mad as hell because i loved this place” and so reflecting back on how both are over and how all those plans with either are done. “You sacrificed us to the gods of your bluest days” OKAY kinda hate this phrase bc it feels like shes placing blame on whomever’s mental health/ depression, like as if they made the conscious decision to sacrifice the relationship solely. This very much feels like “how much sadness did you think i could take before i got bored???” overall top favorite songs bc it doesnt have too many cringey or odd lyrics and the production is 10/10 thank u aaron dessner ilysm king

6. But daddy i love him:

tbh when i got the leak this was the first song i listened to bc i thought it was gonna be the worst one and i wanted to get it over with (i was RIGHT until she dropped that second half……..) and i DIDNT have the lyrics obviously so i couldnt for the life of me figure out if she really said “im having his baby…..NO IM NOT!” until the VERY end of the song and bro…….the cringe. The cringe. The cringe. This is also when i started to question if this was real or if i was passing out a fake leak, lol. I dont understand how she could be saying this shit about matty. And like we all know it lol. “Sometimes growing up precocious sometimes means not growing up at all” …….but like does it??? I feel like thats kinda an oxymoron or something like i understand what shes trying to say and MOST of the time her metaphors and comparisons make sense to me but like this one doesnt. Growing up precocious means to grow up more advanced in maturity, how would that also mean not growing up at all? Is it just me getting stoned and overthinking things? “Ill tell you something about my good name/ its mine alone to disgrace” true that bestie ur doin a great job by being so politically quiet over the past couple of yeats after making a whole asss documentary about wanting to be on the right side of history. But I digress i am just one of those bitches performing soliloquies you'll never see. Overall this song is very weird and cringey imo and i wish it stayed in whatever vault it was sitting in lol.

7.Fresh out of the slammer: “In the shade of how he was feeling” -_- dont like this narrative already. I could honestly go on a rant about why i dont like this song but im going to spare for the sake of my sanity in this review of thirty one fucking songs but its along these lines “to the one who says im the girl of his american dreams” oh brother. otherwise i dont care for many of the lyrics, the chorus/ melody/vibe is mid i guess. It sounds like another jack song (i was right)

8. Florida!!!: “all my friends smell like weed or little babies” okay i know what she was trying to say but im SORRY you cant tell me she couldnt think of ANY other way to say her friends are either parents partiers lmao. Deserves jail for that but luckily the vibe and the chorus of the song are really catchy and florence’s voice is beautiful in it. “Well me and my ghost we had a hell of a time/ yes im haunted but im feeling just fine” CHILLS i loved it. I didnt think i would like this song but (maybe as much as i like no body, no crime which is meh) but no i lowkey love this song and think its really fun. Once again the drug references start to get heavy here in the album and like i mentioned i do get slightly triggered by drug mentions.

9. Guilty as sin?:

okay taylor we get it you masterbate. Another strong jack song and it’s pretty similar to others on the album so nothing besides the sexual lyrics stand out.

10. Whos afraid of little old me?:

“if you wanted me dead you should have just said/ nothing makes me feel more alive” ooooooooooh i love that. I feel like a live or an acoustic version of this song would give me CHILLS. “Is it a wonder i broke / lets hear one more joke/ then we can all laugh until i cry” honestly so relatable, “i was tame, i was gentle til the circus life made me mean” oh :( that hurt bc it just reminds me of the vibe shift during midnights era/ eras tour where it *feels* like she started to pull back from being taylor swift and started to become Taylor Swift (™) and the way her fans/ media has treated her made her mean or cold or something and that just makes me feel sad. “Whos afraid of little old me? You caged me and then you called me crazy! I am what i am cause you trained me! SO. WHOS. AFRAID. OF ME? Again the narcotics line kinda makes me feel icky but thats bc i have that thing about drugs and just dont LOVE all the references to them. Like i know its not that serious but theres a reason why i dont seek out artists that typically talk or write about that stuff ya know so its weird. Overall i think the production is one of the most unique ones on this part of the album.

11. I can fix him (no really i can):

i hate it all around i think. I hate the narrative of “i can fix him!! I can handle a dangerous man!!! No really i can!!!” there is a reason why this song is barely 3 mins long lol it should have been cut but i think taylor wanted to Be Edgy. i dont care for the productions or the lyrics, its very forgetful imo.

12. Loml:

okay i really thought this was gonna be a joe song (rip) so i was thinking it was gonna be really deep and sad and like it IS but with the context of it being the pt 2 fling with matty it doesnt seem like it now. Anyone who thinks this is not about matty please look at the lyrics and be so serious “whos gonna stop us from waltzing back into reklndled flames/ if we know the steps anyway” I think matty just said too much shit to taylor during their fling and taylor WAS truly convinced this her invisible string and he promised her a lot that he couldnt upkeep and ghosted her and she took it SUPER hard, i mean two breakups in one year is a lot (me, whos never been through a single breakup once). I just dont understand how she feels like matty is the greatest loss of her life. One of my favorite tracks on the album, “our field of dreams engulfed in fire/ your arsons match your somber eyes” a LOT of these lyrics are actually really good imo. I think im the only one that didnt find the “mr. steal your girl and make her cry” line idk i thought it was actually kinda neat, the phrasing of it, kinda contradicts the title “love of my life” because he was never that serious or respectful of her and only use her from the beginning. This is another song that i think would make KILLER poem over song. Overall i think the piano is haunting and a live version of this will make me die, thank u again aaron dessner 10/10

13. I can do it with a broken heart:

ngl i thought this was the opening to mastermind for a hot second- also gave me a scare on whether or not this was a fake leak lol. Catchy ass chorus but very YOYOK. “Breaking down i hit the floor/ All the pieces of me shattered/ as the crowd was shouting “more!” ooffffffff seeeeee that is exactly WHAT i was afraid she was feeling durning the eras tour after the joe breakup/ matty situation and all these stupid twitter and tik tok swiffers were out here overanalyzing EVERYTHING and demanding rep tv like every other day. “Im so depressed i act like its my birthday” …….okay taylor. Like a lot of people have said, i think she interchanges “depressed” for “sad” a lot and the two are not the same. I think taylor wrote this song (but specifically the “i cry a lot time but i am so productive” and was like “yup this part is gonna go viral on tik tok,” initially i wrote “feels like taylor saw that depression barbie commercial in barbie 2023 and wrote a song based on that” lol which i still agree with. Overall the production of this screams midnights reject lol, very jack antonoff. Over time this song has grown on me a lot. Originally i didnt care for it but now its kind of a bop but i think its bc its so similar to YOYOK. “Try and come for my job” @taylorswift deadass you couldn’t think of anything else to say instead. cmon. I was mostly on board until that very last part, just seemed very cheesy lol like its not a big deal but i thought it delivered well without it.

14. The smallest man who ever lived:

(aaron thank u for saving me and this entire album) “they just ghosted you/ now you know what it feels like” OUCH. “i dont even want you back i just want you to know/ if rusting my sparkling was the goal/ and i dont miss what we had but can someone give/ a message to the smallest man who ever lived” oh this was somber af. I am obsessed with the phrasing of the chorus. I also LOVE taylors deeper voice its def giving me the same feelings MTR gave me from folklore, that made me CRY and this was very similar. This is another classic taylor song that i could EASILY write like a ten page essay about if someone put a gun to my head. I know that its about a *romantic* relationship, but it feels general enough to be able to relate to anyone who is close to someone with an addiction or struggles with substances. A lot of addicts dont understand the impact of their addiction or their behaviors that they display while struggling. To meeeeee, this feels very much like “you were self centered and betrayed my trust, was any of this true? Real? Am i paranoid or is this that deep?” “it wasnt sexy once it wasnt forbidden” has me thinking lots of things. I think that describes taylors “type”if that makes sense? Like i said i would need to literally break this song down line by line like its ridiculous i have too many thoughts about this song i have listened to it on repeat six times by the time im typing this. “In public showed me off/ then sank in stoned oblivion” FUCK. “you treat her like an also-ran” honestly i have never heard of that phrase/word thank u dr. swift. “Were you sent by someone who wanted me DEAD/ did you sleep with a GUN underneath OUR BED/ were you writing a BOOK?/ were you a sleeper cell SPY? IN 5O YEARS WILL THIS BE ALL DECLASSIFIED?/ AND YOU’LL CONFESS WHY YOU DID IT!/ AND ILL SAY GOOD RIDDANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” tears were formed besties. Also love the gracie abrams reference. “And you deserve prison but you wont get time” i feel like is very metaphorical like you DESERVE to be punished for what you did to me but you won’t admit to the guilt, you wont admit your wrongdoings, you wont admit that i would have done anything for you and you have no problem replacing me. “You said normal girls were boring/ but you were gone by the morning” first of all red flag girlie, nonetheless heartbreaking. “And in plain sight you hid/ but you are what you did” i say this with all the love in my heart, someone take taylor swift to a really good really private therapist. I could say more but i think i need to move on because i am now on my eighth cyle of listening to this song.

15. The alchemy:

already kinda hate it. “What if i told you im back/ the hospital was a drag/ worst sleep i ever had” do you think taylor swift has ever been admitted to a real hospital in this context. Feels very out of place and like i said earlier i dont love the psych ward visuals/ references she keeps inserting in this album. “He jokes its heroin but this time with an e” thanks! I fucking hate that line so much. Feels very icky, not funny. I get what shes going for but it falls so flat for me. The football references (yall know my opinion on meathead!!!!!!!! I will not engage!!!) are fucking dumb. Production is kinda lame and uninterested. Will only listen to this song if by force and will not repeat it ive head enough lets move on.

i have Lots Of Thoughts. i don’t think anyone cares about what i have to say though so i don’t think i’ll bother posting the rest lol but i did do a lot of work so ill post just a bit to make myself feel better.

[reverieaa]

i personal feel that this the problem a lot us are probably facing and thinking. i feel this is a topic to be discussed rather than saying "you have it now, the 4D is the only thing that matters, 3D is a reflection... blah blah blah". we should also consider the people who's struggling and suffering from serious mental health issues even though they know the LAW OF ASSUMPTION.

let's say they want to manifest good grade and their test is tomorrow they have nothing prepared so they just 'try' to manifest, claim it and sustain in that assumption and the next day they go to school with full hope and they doesn't know a single thing in that paper and yep they get a bad grade and get discouraged. i know i know, you be like circumstances don't matter it's because that is what you assume. if they were so passionate and hopeful about that why did they get a bad grade? many of them haven't even manifested a thing so far they get easily discouraged and give up. then they be like "let me revise it" and nothing is happening again, this shit is going on loop.

WE NEED TO STOP THIS SHIT!

the blogs and stuffs say that the 4D is real and the 3D is not important it's just a reflection. let's say your bills are due in an hour or so days and you gonna pay the 4D money? hell nah. what's the point of having it in the 4D if you're homeless and your stomach is empty. you say manifestation is instant, if it is so why isn't my assumptions not hardened into facts? we assume a lot of things and not seeing them get real pisses us off.

now let's take an example, i want a complete 360 turn of my entire life like nothing is same as before. i want to be in a different country, have different name, have different job, have different appearance, have different personalities, have different friends, have different family ...... everything is just different. and then I assume like "okay, I'm going to count to ten and when it reaches one when i open my eyes my reality is completely changed" (assumed) and then i do that and nothing changed and i gave up.

this is what is happening for a lot of us and it's even harder when they're a beginner to concious manifesting or haven't consciously manifested anything before on will.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF THIS THE CASE YOU'RE GOING THROUGH? WHAT WILL BE YOUR PIECE OF ADVICE.

if i make rules and if I assume that thing it's going to be like that why isn't it changing?

Idk about you, but I'm pretty satisfied with the answer.

Ppl seem to often misunderstand the "you make the rules" quote a lot bc the idea that they are in control of everything fules ego.

" I want to move this moutian, and if I assume it'll move, it will" does nothing if self hasn't changed. You can't change an outer reality when there is no "outer", it's yourself that you need to change and seeing your mental problems as an obstacle for your dreams ect makes things worse for your mental health.

I understand that many may struggle bc of their mental health. But how is thinking the way you do any better? I think It'd help for a lot of you that instead of saying:

" I have this (mental problem) that means it's harder for me to manifest, therefore I either can't do it or it'll take me a long time" to

" I seem to struggle with (method/certian loa thing) bc I have this (problem), what can I do to make myself more comfortable?"

Even if you're not into loa, viewing everything you can do as limited bc of who you are and what you have can't be good for you.

No one is telling to you to "ignore the 3D" if you have bills to pay and you're manifesting being rich don't just quit your job, if you're hungry and your fridge is empty don't just sit there but go buy food, no one says these things will hold you back from your desires but you. The "things" u hate now is all a state and mentality itself, all in the 4D that's why it's no different than the 3D, you are always the inner self.

Do you want me to change the law? Bc I have no intentions in convincing you or saying sth special. Manifestation itself may be effortless but you need to put in effort in believing that, esp when you’ve lived your life as the opposite up until now.

Did you imagine moving a moutian, or did you imagine being the person who moved it?

The "things" you want changed are waiting for you to change.

[walker33961]

COLONEL'S H O M E 💗

Alejandro real-time forgot that he had a little picnic planned with you in Japan on spring times... You really felt a bit broken when you realised that he forgot ... Meanwhile....he was down feeling from the recent missions , no proper intels, seeing best ones in injury and enemies change in location often and sending threats to his motherland .....

He really wanted to tell you these things , Well...you were aware that the time was not going well over Him, over the team & base ... After the mission got finally complete from his side , He got busy reconstructing the base.. After a good ass war with the shadows and specially , Graves....

Whenever he came home , we was all dull , broken from inside ..he hardly shows his emotions..

He was always better in hiding emotions after losing his elder brother , He almost lost his brother like person, his best friend and mate, Rudy..

Everyone wanted to see the Happy - chilled Colonel they knew & always saw They know about you, they know you always fix him. They know you are his "Home"...

They have a high expectation this time since it was the most freak shit mission and he also got locked in his own black site prison...

.

Time : 2:43 AM

Door nob twisting sound fills the silent room and he stepped into the house, A beautiful garden surrounded 2 storey house, in a location which only Rudy, los Vaqueros, Task force 141 Boys knew about..

After he stepped he got welcome by the little sweetie in the house "Marie" The cute munchkin milk white cat you got as a wedding gift from your sweet mother- in - law.

It's a family tradition that the bride will be gifted at least 1 kitten / cat which signifies the peace love and wellbeing of the family, Marie always brought light to both of your dull days❤

But this time, emotions and mental health striked him bad honestly.... So it's different this time.. No happy face after petting Marie..still... His heart became a bit warm ..

.

Alejandro : Awe Pequeña - *Little* . How you've been.. *tired voice but enough to understand* *petting the cat*

"Donde esta tu Mamá? " - *Where's your Momma*

The cat meows and walks to your room, Alejandro following Marie.. After she stopped and scratched the door a bit... She went away to her little space and He Twisted the nob and sees you sleeping peacefully..

He saw your sleeping state , time stopped like he's in a dream and your a angel from heaven sleeping in beds as if sleeping in clouds..

Your wedding ring shinning bright, sharing little shines around your face..

The orange Bedlights throwing a gold glow over your fair light brown skin He sees it As it's sharing aura lights in the midnight dark blue sky .....

And your charcoal black hair, shinning normally... But he sees it as if it's the wave of sea in the yellow moonlit night.....

One thing tho...it's ain't like he's the one who works..

He always saw you struggling with your work and getting less chance for yourself.. Even ignoring the fact of being in rest when sick... That's why he planned for a Japan spring picnic under the sakura falls..but... Got cancelled due thar historic mission....

You didn't mind since you are understanding....He's fking lucky for it !

Alejandro :

*comes near you and sits down carefully on the floor, so that u don't wake up*

"I have no idea how I got you Mi Amor , Maybe I did something good in past and you're the reward for it....I can never describe how you fix me everytime, wish I could tell you how much I want a little picnic , a little time spend.... To make u feel loved a bit more . I want to open up my heart, don't know what the fuck is stopping me from being free to my beloved wife... I love you more than anything Y/n.. I just wish. ...

*starts sobbing*

You :

*slowly opening the eyes from the sudden sobbing sounds, seeing Alejandro sitting and wiping his eyes, hair all messed up, diry clothes still on, eyes full of tiredness*

You : *hugs him placing hands over his neck and pulling him closer*

"Don't cry , your pretty earthy brown eyes don't deserve these bitter like tears..I love you Ale , and i understand that it's not easy to open up no matter how close the person can be... Take your time Amor.....I'm always with you , to listen whatever you wanna speak about"... *kissed him on his forhead*

*you feel his body getting lighter from the pain and burden which was over him.. He was melting in your touch, sobs getting lighter and his breathing getting back on the right pattern*

Alejandro : Can we plan for it aga.....

You : Honey, You don't have to plan a trip to make me feel loved.. Your presence is much more important to me than those trips.. All i appreciate is a cup of coffee, sitting together in a couch , Marie in your lap , And some sweet movie playing in... I live for these moments to be happen everyday..bcz home is home..and your My Home . ...But your long mission calls and...

Alejandro : Not this time... Los Vaqueros and 141 , all of us got 6 months off from our missions...the rookies are well trained and will assist , we'll give direction to lead from our homes... As easy as that...

" I promise to make the use of these times, to the fullest.. ❤"

You : LOS QUIERO MUCHO ALEJANDRO - *love you so much* *A big kiss over his lips*

Alejandro : Y/n .... *staring at her with whole love*

You : Hmm?

Alejandro : Gracias por todo.... - *thanks for everything*

You : *hugs*

Alejandro : *inhaling her sent , which he feels home*

You : * Releasing the hug* Honey you better take a shower... I'll prepare the dinner

Alejandro : How about I have you tonight as a meal... It's been....

You : *pinches him a little*

Alejandro : Ouch Mi Amor, Okay okay I'm going for a shower...

*screaming from the bathroom *

"I'll make sure I keep my words about it...."

You : *😳😳😳😳😳😳*

｡.｡:∞♡*💗»»————><————««💗*♡∞:｡.｡

<3 : @alewesker @sleepyconfusedpotato @sarahs-secrets2

　　

[okkalo]

could u do a scenario with kunigami and a reader who has a perfectionist mindset and ends up breaking down bc they dont feel pretty or smart enough? i’ve honestly been feeling like shit for not feeling perfect and i just want my comfort character to help me escape </3

if u need more inspiration listen to pretty hurts by beyonce

hi anon! i tried to write this one as fast as i could after the previous request for u..i hope ur feeling somewhat better!! just in case no one has told u recently im soso proud of you and you can get through this! i hope u enjoy,, lots of love 🫶🩷

character: kunigami

- kunigami had gotten used to your perfectionist attitude

- in fact, he barely struggled getting used to it

- he was always there to try to comfort you or take your mind off of whatever was bothering you

- he definitely struggled with reassurance at first, however. he actually still isn’t good at it

- he’s only good when you start degrading yourself and his mind just kinda takes over

- if you ever tried to brush him off with an “i’m okay” he would definitely back off

- he would instead try to do other things for you, such as getting your favorite food or making sure to pull you in to rest on his chest

- if u did brush him off he’ll probably learn not to comfort you that way and won’t really approach you, he just continues doing stuff that would hopefully make your day better

- all of that aside he actually loves your perfectionist side

- he loves the way you continue to strive to be better

- mostly because he can relate, he has to work hard to be everyone’s hero!!

- he tries to help if he can too

- he feels as if it’s his role as your boyfriend

- he also thinks your beautiful

- duh, you might be thinking. but he always tries to remind you with some sort of compliment

- he’s just as bad as giving compliments as he is at receiving though! so be patient

- but back to the moment you breakdown

- he’s probably not the best at detecting how stressed you are

- he didn’t even notice. he only knew when he saw you crying in bed while looking at your phone

“y/n?” your name rolled out of his mouth with worry, catching the attention of your widened teary eyes. “y/n, what’s wrong?” the question immediately left him once his concerned eyes met yours. he dropped his bag on the ground, his long legs extending to reach you fast and pull you into a comforting hug.

his heart broke at your released sobs and the way your body slumped into his, your hands clawing at the fabric of his shirt in desperate need of comfort. his finger pads gently made their way to your scalp, each spread out to gently massage your skin. he felt stupid, unable to come up with any comforting words at the moment and only being able to hold you close. he wanted to do more, he wanted you to feel better.

once your sobs lessened and you finally gained confidence in your voice you started sputtering what was weighing your heart down. the moment kunigami heard the words ‘i’m not pretty enough’ or ‘i’m not smart enough’ is the moment he decided to interrupt, not being able to hear anymore of your painfully wrong thoughts.

“hey, don’t say that.” he pulled away from the hug to lift your chin and make you look at his stern eyes. the hand still softly resting on your waist told you he wasn’t mad at you. “you know none of that is true, you’re just in a bad mental state right now to see. you’re the most beautiful person i’ve seen, and you aren’t anywhere close to dumb. you’re damn near perfect.” he stated, confident in each word he was saying while making sure to hold eye contact throughout the whole time.

“come on, take a bath with me and once we get back you’ll have to tell me who made you feel that way.” he gently took your hands, pulling you off the bed with him. once you were standing on your feet he cupped your face in his hands, giving you a soft kiss on the lips before pulling away with a reassuring gaze. “i’m so proud to be your boyfriend, i can’t have you feeling like you’re not enough, because you’re way more than enough for me.” he stated, giving one last final kiss to your cheek before his hand found your back and started pushing you to the bathroom.

unedited thanks for reading!

[youhideastar]

I'm one of the readers for whom the ending of Concord didn't work and I think the commentary helped me realize why. WWX's depression really resonated with me extremely deeply, whereas the parts where you intended to show that he was getting better once LWJ started making an effort were incredibly subtle. So I continued feeling the angst building up and up and was expecting a climax that would be cathartic and drain all the pent up emotion, only for the angst to suddenly fizzle out (1/2)

(2/2) If the intention was that LWJ was an unreliable narrator and also, like the reader, had misunderstood WWX's mental state, it would have been nice to see him grappling with that realization for a bit. Maybe disbelieving or shocked at first but then rewinding his memories and picking up on all the things you pointed out in the commentary. Or something. Instead, he takes it in stride and then WWX tells him he loves him, and then theyre holding hands, the end. It's too rushed.

My usual response to constructive criticism with which I disagree is to carefully and patiently explain why I wrote the fic the way I did and why I think the way I did it is good. In this case, I already spent tens of thousands of words doing just that, so I'm disinclined to show my work all over again, especially for someone unwilling to attach their pseud to their criticism - instead, I'm going to speak from the heart.

I have spent a lot--a lot--of time talking to people with depression. Like you, they often try to convince me that the unrelentingly negative view of the world that they see through their Depression Goggles is, in fact, objective reality. It is not.

Wei Wuxian's growing happiness in the second half of Concord is not "incredibly subtle." Frankly, it is not "subtle" at all:

Wei Wuxian still conducts himself according to the principles, when they travel together – still eats in silence, sits properly, refuses alcohol. But he seems more comfortable in crowded spaces full of laughter and color – teahouses and markets and small-town festivals, where he banters easily with shopkeepers and hawkers. And if Lan Wangji fills his bowl after he has already eaten three, or orders meat dishes for him, Wei Wuxian accepts the implied permission and eats with pleasure. He is still too thin. But he no longer looks as if a strong wind could blow him away.

Because he cannot take Wei Wuxian night hunting as often as he would wish, given his teaching responsibilities and other tasks as head disciple, Lan Wangji begins finding excuses to visit Caiyi Town. He brings his husband with him, and watches with satisfaction as Wei Wuxian offers effusive compliments to the innkeepers and waiters when his meal is finished; as the staff come to know Wei Wuxian’s likes and dislikes, and bring him his particular favorites.

On one such occasion, a small child toddles up to their table and deposits a toy lion in Wei Wuxian’s lap. “Can you make it roar?” the child asks, blinking up at him.

“Of course,” Wei Wuxian says, beaming. “What’s your name?”

“Yan’er.”

“Well, xiao Yan’er, are you sure you want me to make your lion roar?” He makes a ridiculous face. “It’s going to be very scary!”

The fact that someone can read a passage like the above and think, "The angst just keeps building up and up, nothing is getting better," says something about the lens with which they are viewing the fic; it says nothing about the fic itself.

You say, "If the intention was that LWJ was an unreliable narrator and also, like the reader, had misunderstood WWX's mental state"--but that was not the intention at all. "The reader" does not misunderstand WWX's mental state. Most readers got it just fine. For the other readers (including at least one previous anon of the same mind), I have already expended hours and hours of time and effort on the commentary trying to help them understand, so going forward, I won't be responding to any more anon asks that boil down to "I don't get the ending of Concord." It's not a good use of my time or theirs.

Frankly, even if nobody else liked Concord, or its ending--which is very much not the case--that wouldn't change how I feel about it one bit. I am very proud of Concord, including and perhaps especially the ending. No anon is going to change my mind about that.

[bluecatarts]

Hi!

I love ur art and your characters! I was wondering if I can draw fan art of them?

Also I wanted to ask about their powers/abilities and/or fighting styles? And I would love to know more about Dark Sans backstory!

Thank u :D

Hi!

It's nice for me and my friends to hear that our characters have sunk into someone's soul. We have nothing against fan art by The Nameless Quartet, we are only for and glad of such creativity!

It's nice to get questions about the characters. Now I will be happy to tell you briefly about each of them.

Let's start with Voltage!

This energetic sun is still the youngest and most inexperienced of all. He is a child who has inherited powerful forces with which he is still learning to work. But the potential of his powers suggests that with proper training, he will be stronger than Dark, Kyle and Black at once.

Volt, due to lack of experience in combat, begins to act without thinking anything ahead. He's incredibly fast. It can create very strong charges and both hit them directly when touched, and release them in the form of lightning remotely. He is quite adept at handling electricity, if the charge is not too large. It can safely charge any device or, conversely, suck out electricity. Although he is not bad at hand-to-hand combat, he relies more on pure strength and speed in battle.

Speed is its main characteristic. When Voltage reaches maximum speed, everything around him practically freezes in his perception. Only in this state is he unable to attack, because the energy released at such a speed is too much and can harm himself. He uses maximum speed for dodging, scouting, moving, and saving others from being hit.

He does not have the typical abilities of the Sans in the form of teleportation, telekinesis, bones, Gaster Blasters, karma or soul control.

But despite the fact that Voltege is positioned as the most confident and positive boy…

Inside, he is afraid to unleash all his power because of an incident in the past. An incident involving his brother Papyrus and not only him… Because of him, he became afraid of himself and his powers, which is why he put a mental block preventing him from releasing all his strength.

Now consider Kyle

Kyle is literally the opposite of Voltege. He is cold, calculating, rational. He would never engage in battle unnecessarily, preferring to avoid battle. He has no problems with pride and running away does not seem to him something shameful. That's what he usually uses his chameleon mode for. Thanks to this mode, he could easily blend into the terrain and be invisible. If he still has to fight, he will make a minimum of unnecessary movements, squeezing maximum efficiency out of himself. He perfectly analyzes the enemy and the environment during the battle and perfectly uses this very environment and the enemy's weaknesses against him.

He is very good at hand-to-hand combat and can easily disarm and twist an opponent in a matter of seconds, if he is not too much stronger than him. He still has absolutely all the abilities of the original, only without karma, and thanks to level 7, they are stronger. Except for teleportation. Due to mutations, his teleportation abilities have deteriorated and he can no longer teleport long distances. In battle, although he can use teleportation, he prefers chameleon mode to escape attacks.

Kyle's main ability is to manipulate human souls. He has three souls of kindness, two of bravery and one of justice in his bag. After twenty years of surviving in the wastelands, he had learned to use human souls to enhance his attacks without absorbing them. The soul of justice perfectly enhances long-range attacks, like blaster shots, the souls of courage - physical attacks, like bone attacks, and the souls of kindness - the strength of both bones and blasters that he uses for protection.

Kyle has no moral principles in combat. He can use any dirty tricks to win and in extreme cases, if the opponent refuses to give up, he can easily kill him.

Let's move on to our Dark

Dark's fighting style differs little from Classic Sans. He has exactly the same arsenal: bones, Gaster Blasters, karma, etc. Due to level 3, he is stronger and faster than Classic Sans and therefore less lazy. But because of his cracked soul, it's hard for him to use a lot of magic for a long time, it tires him out quite quickly.

Regarding the background of this character, which you asked about. A post dedicated to this topic will be released today.

The last one in line is Black

Black doesn't have any classic Sans abilities. But. She is able to create black knives based on the hatred in her soul that attack the target. Skeleton often starts a melee battle, using both hand-to-hand combat and daggers created by her, preferring to inflict a continuous series of attacks on an opponent, exhausting him. Due to the lack of teleportation in her arsenal, she uses the maximum of her maneuverability and agility to get out from under the blows. As a last resort, she has to use a special blade that allows her to make large portals, which she often uses to escape.

One of the abilities based on the study of the Black nature of her soul's hatred was the summoning of two tentacles of hatred, which for a limited time help her attack an opponent. They serve both to capture the enemy or constrain his movements, and to attack from underground, taking the form of sharp spikes. But the summoning effect lasts no more than 10 minutes, during which hatred begins to flow from Black's eye sockets in the form of tears, causing a small fixed damage to the skeleton. Because of this, this ability is used as a last resort.

I hope you are not bored with reading all this. Thanks again for reading! The next post will be dedicated to Dark's backstory.

[heartlyrins]

Obsessed w/ the brain dead vanilla people that were in some post replies going "it's ILLEGAL" like..... what law. Which country and what specifical law says that depictions of FICTIONAL incest is illegal? I know that nsfw depictions of fictional children is illegal (mostly and depends) but incest of adult characters???

If any of these pearl clutchers are American.... I hope they know that incest is literally legal on 3 states. If these bozos want to make a big fuss like "but the LAW" plz actually look up laws. Like child marriage as young at 10 years old is still legal in a MAJORITY of states and how a lot of states don't have proper statutory rape laws. Y'all should be fussing about that and not someone writing about a pretend person from a video game wanting to ass blast a pretend family member.

I just got home from work rn and I've been checking my inbox. Half of it are supports from u guys <33, but some of them are pressed people lmao.

Sorry I haven't been writing any fics, it wasn't because I was down from the hate but I'm very busy this week. I'm hoping that I could at least post one fic today.

Also, I couldn't have worded it better Anon.. Like fictional incest is not illegal, in fact there are so many incest mangas, manhwas and even popular movies.. (I'm looking at u game of thrones)

You know what's illegal? Sending death threats to people online.. Can even serve up to 5 years in jail if it's serious. I mean, they're committing an even bigger crime than I am at the moment—which is writing fictional incest that DOESN'T harm anyone's mental health, physical health or anything.

Imagine how much they would flip if they see AO3 though. But I don't mind, because I'm gaining a lot of attention from them and that's good actually😭.

And the fact that they keep using the argument that I like my siblings in a sexual way or something when I already said that it was intrusive thoughts.

Some of them tells me to grow up, like really who should be growing up right now?? I'm already working jobs and doing this as a pastime. Meanwhile you're chasing some random people on Internet that didn't even post something that extreme.

anyways, BLESS 🙏🏻

[magnolia-sunrise]

i was wondering like. at what specific point could wolfgang be sure that bastien likes them afterall. i think iirc you might have mentioned they propositioned him pretty early on and kept a sense of intrigue anyways, i guess this could be a really specific moment in time? what signal made them go 'wait a minute this guy is into me afterall'

second specific question u mentioned wolf would have been in other relationships during these many years they spent w bastien. i guess these are multiple questions, would wolfs other partners notice that theyre somewhere else with their mind? would bastien be jealous or sad or just resign hinself to it? would wolf want for bastien to be jealous or is it more like. happenstance. does this make sense asking like this??

ahh thank you so much for sending this! it is a rare treat to be able to talk about this backstory stuff a bit more <3

lets see, first question, to start off i wrote out a sort of timeline of their acquaintance over 8 years in this post . you remember right, Wolfgang propositions him when they actually get to meet for the second time and talk for a while. they can tell he is kind and selfless in a way that many humans aren't, and also, more importantly, he's hot (and he did save their life and they're very grateful). Bastien politely declines as he's in a comitted relationship with Matteo at that point already (and still very much in love with him), but its fair to say theres a lot of mutual physical attraction, and it's very fun for Wolfgang to flirt with him and tease him through the years as they grow closer.

Bastien falls in love first, but he's also become very good at hiding those feelings and putting them away into a drawer somewhere far away in his heart. iirc i haven't talked about what would've been *The* moment for Wolf - they have an affection for him, but i think it takes them a few months to catch up on the fact there's something more, that his touch is softer, more tender perhaps.

but there is this event that happens early on when the actual story would kick off, around year 7/8 of them knowing each other, when they witness something really gruesome and in their attempt to follow the perpetrators they get hurt, but its significantly worse on their mental state - they can't unsee the things they saw and they grieve the lives they could've saved if they were faster. in that state they drag themself to the clinic late in the night and only Bastien is there. he takes care of their wounds as usual, except nothing is really 'as usual' anymore, and they can't stop sobbing through it. it's probably the most vulnerable they've ever been with him at that point. Bastien doesn't come home that night, he stays with them and holds them without asking questions. he knows he shouldn't but he can't bear to send them away. from that time i think Wolf finally understood just how much Bastien loves them, even though he tries to hide it. (he is even so good at hiding it that Élise tries to talk some sense into Wolfgang and that they shouldn't pine after him because it's a lost cause)

second question -- this is a bit tricky because its my fault for being the unreliable narrator here who hyperfixates on the "main love interest" in Bastien, without showing much of other people in either of their lives. in the early years, Bastien is not necessarily the most important person in their life at all - he's intriguing, sure, and he's attractive and they become genuine friends but that takes years, and Wolfgang knows other interesting and hot people they fuck and date in the meantime. one of their previous partners they actually meet at the clinic (another android patient). they also maintain a kind of fun friends with paid benefits relationship with Élise. so i would say they very much pay their full attention to whoever they're with, and their primary intent is definitely not concerned with thinking about what Bastien might feel about it. at least initially.

does Bastien feel jealous? oh yes, even though i don't think he would be able to identify that emotion correctly. more than once he sees them making out with someone or other in the alley behind the clinic and he can't help but feel - well - he gets angry at himself mostly, full of jealousy and envy, and then pushes it all down. he probably thinks he deserves to feel miserable and guilty.

when they get to the point they're both aware of their mutual feelings, Wolfgang doesn't really even have time to pursue any relationships. at most they fuck their friends, but the emotional mess that's between them and Bastien just keeps getting messier and more desperate, and they don't want to seriously involve anyone else in it. it's bad enough that Bastien still lives and sleeps with Matteo. in a moment of spiteful weakness maybe they would try to make him feel jealous of them sleeping with someone else, but all it does is just make them both more miserable so there's not really a point to it - it wouldn't change Bastien's decision. their worst fear is losing him as a friend, they can't push too much and they can't leave either. so for months they're both trapped in this mutual misery of yearning and lingering touches and things left unsaid until it all boils over

[starryjeekies]

Hi sweetie. May I request OT8 kinks for stray kids? Ty💙

a/n: hi. oops. i've been gone for quite some time. long story short I didn't have access to my medication for about 2 months and it didn't help my mental state at all. now I am back on them and will be starting off small with writing some blurbs and trying to finish my asks that I can actually create ideas for. this one is one that'll be easier for me to complete as I come back into the writing scene!

Bang Chan:

Cockwarming {receiving}

Orgasm Control {giving}

Praise {giving/receiving}

Chan was so easy to pick out some kinks for. I don't doubt this man loves cockwarming but in an "innocent" way. Like most people don't get it until you do it, but sometimes feeling full with your lover's dick inside you is comforting as hell and he would definitely offer it up for the first time before you start asking for it. The orgasm control would definitely come as a way for you to get the most pleasure out of your intimacy, him whispering, "Not yet, you can hold out a little longer, yeah?" and MAN would he dote on you while drilling you. He also loves it when you tell him how good he's making you feel, it'll probably make him fuck you harder if anything. STROKE HIS EGO CUZ HE WON'T!

Lee Know:

Thigh Riding {receiving}

Cuckolding

Edging {giving}

hhhhhhhhhh okay i have so many issues cuz it was hard to just narrow down three for him. This m a n has the prettiest thighs ever, he's got a lot of muscle. I don't doubt he would make you ride his thigh before you can ride his cock. And the cuckolding is definitely influenced by my Double Trouble fic, like he'd be so smug watching you get fucked by someone else, relishing in the new view he gets to see. Wouldn't be too often as it's gotta be someone you're both comfortable with but once you've found someone, phew. And Lino is a little shit so he would definitely edge you until you are sobbing with the whole purpose is to fuck you dumb.

Changbin:

Impact Play {giving}

Breath Play {giving}

Manhandling {giving}

This man is a dom. I take no criticism. I have no doubt in my mind that he loves to spank you, in the bedroom and outside. Outside the bedroom would be flirty, but inside the bedroom he aims to make marks. He also definitely has a kink with his strength/power so hence why breath play is on there. Obvi it would be with your consent and he wouldn't aim to hurt you by any means with it, just wanting control. And the manhandling i MEAN he would throw you over his shoulder, fuck you against a wall, bend you like a pretzel simply because he can and he wants to show you he can. He's gonna talk to you super sweetly while he handles you like a ragdoll.

Hyunjin:

Shibari/Bondage {giving/receiving}

Blindfolds {giving/receiving}

Exhibitionism

See I get like. super switch vibes from him. but still sub leaning so this was kinda hard. Shibari/Bondage is a no brainer though because if you're tied up, he would love to sketch you. In fact he would probably have a sketch book dedicated to the different patterns. If he's tied up then he would definitely be the perfect pillow prince. Blindfolds would be fun either way because of the anticipation; the thrill of not knowing what the other could do with a feather, a flogger, fingers, u g h. And I don't doubt that this man is secretly into showing off for others. If he moans too loudly in the dorms or someone sees you two sneak away in the company building, he likes to be risky and wouldn't honestly mind if he did get caught since he's already in the mood.

Han:

Corruption {receiving}

Breeding/Creampie {giving}

Roleplay {giving/receiving}

Here is where things started to get harder (haha puns). So I don't think Han is 100% sub by any means. Just inexperienced. If you take the ropes to show him the world of kinks and bdsm and sex, I think he would let you take the reigns. He would be down to try many things, even if he would be shy, but I guarantee 6 months down the line he will be just as kinky as you are. One of his favorite things he discovers is a breeding kink. The one thing he loves to mark you with is his cum. He's messy and will drool watching it pour out of your holes. Also to have a little fun would be roleplay! I think it would take him a minute to be serious and into the role but as we see in the SKZ shenanigans, he's a born actor.

Felix:

Cock Ring

Auralism {giving/receiving}

Toys {giving/receiving}

Tiny Felix. He looks so precious and cute and you just wanna pinch his freckled cheeks. I don't think he's not kinky, his are just a little more muted. For example, having the cock ring on for you when you ask him to so you can have a beautiful dick to ride or will put it on right before date night so he can dick you down into pleasure. He also probably has a think for your voice. Your moans, your praises, gasps, he will drink up everything. You can expect him to have really pretty moans and grunts too, deep grunts when he's dom and sweet moans when he's sub. Also, I expect him to have a plethora of toys to your disposal to use for yourself and him. Once a month, you two go shopping for a new on to try out on the next date night.

Seungmin:

Dacryphilia

Temperature Play {giving}

Humiliation {giving}

He's a huge brat. Huge tease. He is ready to push every and all buttons that you have. If you got 3 rounds and you're oversensitive, squirming, getting fucked dumb, and you start to cry from it being so good? You get that's going to drive him over the edge to his first orgasm of the night cuz this boy has wicked stamina. I think he would be a little bit more vanilla BUT one thing he likes to use is either wax or an ice cube. Dripping hot wax on your chest, seeing how it rises and falls with the heat, or the way you shiver when he drags an ice cube down your tummy. Oh and don't even get me started on the humiliation part of it. He's a tease, we know this. However I don't think the humiliation comes in until you're being close to fucked dumb, swallowing his cock, legs shaking from the orgasms you've had, he'll hit you with a "pretty little whore" and it's all over.

I.N:

Somnophilia {giving/receiving}

Pet Play {receiving}

Voyerism

Consent. Is. Key. So Jeongin would definitely ask for your permission to fuck you slowly and deeply while you slept. He would love to see your peaceful face twist up in pleasure, your dreams turning naughty. And he would encourage you to do the same, to use his cock for your own pleasure while he's sound asleep. The pet play, though, is something he saw on the internet once, suggested you try it, and he immediately fell for it. Seeing you with the cute ear and collar sets that he'll buy you every couple of months to see a new color on you, you being a good little baby and listening to him like a good pet should, makes him weak in the knees. Especially while you're in your pet gear, he loves to watch you. He wants you to play with yourself just for him and his eyes only. He doesn't like to share what's his (affectionately of course).

[lady-sci-fi]

Hi hey hi so

I just finished your Electric Organisms fic series on ao3 and i just wanted to express some sentiments towards your work "^^

1. The fics are so damn good aaa it infected my brain so much i would regularly tell my best friend all about it even though she doesnt watch star trek

2. The fact you dug up unused scenes and scripts and wrote them into fics is so damn cool!! Also may i ask where you found those?

3. Your character writing is so well done, i was so disappointed they didnt explore Geordis personality more in the show. I love that you went into his family background and mental health properly also I honestly love that he just gets to be happy a lot of the time, the show constantly made him suffer for some reason

4. The drawings are such a nice addition to the fics and theyre sooo well drawn <3

5. The way u handled the Fajo&Borg queen assualt implications was so well written. Im still angry the movies and show basically dropped the whole thing and never went into what it would do to datas mental state

6. The romance was so well written i cant- i dont usually read romance but maaan was i invested in this one <333

I swear you basically rewrote the entire series while fixing all the shitty parts and making the good parts *sparkly*

Also just the raw amount of stuff you wrote is crazy impressive!!!!

Unrelated your blog is really cool ive been following for a couple of months or so and it delights me whenever you show up on my dash.

Anyways you're a great writer and artist and i hope my ramble could express that your work is very very appreciated :)

Thanks so much for telling me all this! It does indeed make me feel warm and fuzzy. 🥰

The full series link if anyone else is interested.

While I have written the start and end points for the series, there are still more ideas I'm going to write for it, so stay tuned.

1- That's a huge compliment.

2- It's great to find those little nuggets that were cut out from final script to aired episode for whatever reason. You can read them at Star Trek Minutiae.

3- I like to think I've watched too much TNG to get them too wrong in character 😜. I would've definitely appreciated more Geordi episodes.

4- Thank you. In addition to a fic list, I also have an art list, and DaForge is taking up most of it 😅

5- I'm glad you think so. I don't really blame the show for that, since mostly "one-and-done" episode stuff was the overall structure of shows in that time. A few character things get mentioned or used later, but not everything.

6- The boys deserve a well-written romance 😊It's great to know you think I'm achieving that.

Believe me, I'm also surprised how much I've written for this series since I started it in June 2022. I didn't expect a one-shot fic that came from Brent Spiner saying he much rather would've found Geordi instead of Spot in the Enterprise-D wreck to have led to all this.

It's nice to know you think I'm cool enough to follow on here 😜

Thank you again for saying all this. I'm glad you really like this series.

[insecuregodcomplex]

here's a bunch of thoughts i have about the book and the movie and how they do/will/might tie together or not !

very much mostly for me but if you want to interact u can

RWRB Movie Anticipation List

i started keeping notes on what i could envision with and what i hope for in the movie as i embarked on my latest reread, and tried to organize it below. this is mostly for me and my own keeping track of things but feel free to interact

(spoilers from promos and things ahead)

(Book) Chronological Thoughts Ahead of the Movie

key red - i'm expecting no orange - faint hope blue- it's in the movie and may not directly be from the book yellow - i could see either way OR i'm thinking about it specifically and it could be used differently green- confirmed in the movie pink- quotes/words i would love to see/hear in the movie

I wonder if the "don’t get caught" etching is at all included (not thinking likely, more of a book thing)

London Luck and Love in soundtrack (not thinking likely, it's too small of a thing)

Alex’s backstory with Henry’s pic (it's useful in the book but not sure it's of use in the movie)

Meet at climate conference and Alex is snubbed by Henry (this is in the movie apparently in place of Rio) — flashback? Or just mention or starting the movie with (?)

Nora (rather than June) dancing with Henry (?)

idea: the cake scene is Alex trying to poke at Henry’s facade as he describes in the book and he is like come on have some cake don’t you want to try it and then forgets it

parallel: (in case we don't get the book line) "I think you are [obsessed with me]" (first meeting) to "lifts/I know that too sweetheart" (re: ndas)

would love if we can have Henry’s “fuck” from cakegate because it's the first time ACD hears him swear (possible but tbd, extraneous)

the "ride the dead kid sympathy into a second term" line (possible but tbd, extraneous)

idea: after “takes the cake” Ellen could have the “please tell me another joke” line from the book

Zahras “sun shines out of his dick” and it’s even embellished (we know we're getting it)

if they do the fact sheets I hope they include Great Expectations because of the email explanation (?)

shoutout fact sheet clip with the 6 ft 2 moment (still tbd of above)

idea: Alex is in a muscle tee for the cornettos scene. I think (although we aren’t getting rumpled pajama Henry listening to sad music - sad!) it will still be a caught off guard moment — maybe even retaining the Nora FaceTime that Henry interrupts ((not to analyze but this from a visual POV gives more of a linear timeline imo where we don’t see Henry with his guard down til later, literally)). Sad for no glasses but similar vibes of a small (important) detail in the books that doesn’t necessarily need airtime

cornettos is happening

will Henry’s depression be explicit at all? either of their mental states im curious (?)

"Always great to see this guy!!" (we know we're getting it)

hospital scene with Claudette (we know we're getting it)

we know we're getting some sort of acknowledgement/apology for being a prick during the hospital closet scene but how much of the dialogue will be from the book? (?)

on that, there's been mention of ACD speaking on “the importance of young men ‘with a Z in their names’ being able to see people like themselves succeeding in the world”...could that be part of ACD's explanation of the H/A parallel but also how Alex "isn't even white like [his mom] is, can't even pass for it"? (?)

“no booty calls” when Henry and Alex exchange numbers (also is this when he does the peace signs? part of why I could see this line being said then - either way, H's reaction is exactly right) (?)/(?)

“omg make out already” comment (if not also the "this guy" gif equivalent of the fist bump gif) (?)

curious to see what they do with President Mom pizza dinner? if there will be the pool hustling story with Alex and Oscar? and then that leads into the campaign position like in the book? (?)

the first texts. Like. Yeah — one does not foster a lifelong love of star wars without knowing an “empire” isn’t a good thing ? I am lowkey impressed ? (?)

Nora teasing Alex about texting Henry (?)

we know we get the turkeys THANK GOD

could we get the nods of his parents calling him Claremont and Diaz in certain moments (?)

Christmas call to Henry (featuring Bea?) (?)

NEW YEAR'S PARTY AND THE FIRST KISS (Get Low is confirmed) (we know we're getting it) THANK GOD

my own thoughts: I’m just excited to see how they do Alex’s “oh.” kind of transition and hopefully into a convo w Nora — we see that she “totally privately called” their kiss so

so with the changed Liam/Raf character will that character serve a purpose as Alex figures out he's bi? (?)

"the night is young ma" clip, is that state dinner?

RED ROOM state dinner kiss!!! (we know we're getting it) THANK GOD (is that still of the forehead touch in there idk - regardless we know we get Amy and the kiss)

sooo after that they hook up (and i'm assuming that's where the clips from the trailer are from) and then would be the "i wouldn't mind doing this again" scene

tack room - at least the aftermath (we know we're getting it) THANK GOD

above - the eating dialogue is good and maybe served into that still (from the !!first!!day!!) of them in a cafe or maybe “Paris" do we get France (?)/(?)

"is that a hickey?" from Zahra (?)

The names call!! And the gay kings! And the first time we get “baby”! And the talks about family and queerness and coming out (?) also confirmed Henry loses his father in the movie

will someone say to Alex "he's your match" its so good (?)

good morning strumpet (?)

Karaoke. Don't Stop Me Now.!!!!!!! (we know we're getting it) THANK GOD (bathroom? we saw the close friends and the challenge prompts the song...) "bisexuality is truly a rich and complex tapestry"??? -- also it's in Texas right so it'll be later? with the lake?

their first penetrative time

“So, this is the gang now, huh?” (?)

will we get acd fighting for southern states thats !!! mml and casey both southern kids! (?)

I don’t think will have time for Wimbledon...although maybe something similar but in a different context, idk (?)

so we've gotten stills of them at a piano...do we get our beloveds at the piano post wimbledon even in a different context... (?)/(?)

we’re getting DNC hotel hookup but does this mean we get Henry surprising Alex too (will we also see like. People noticing him at the hotel bar? Alex and Nora going on a date and Henry goes on a date with some random girl?) ((??))

->->-> Casey said "originally they were outed by an annoying British tabloid reporter" (x) which im curious if that's the raf/liam character. also is that where we get the shot of them in robes smiley((??))

"Someone else's choice doesn’t change who you are…most things are awful most of the time but you’re good" would love. to hear.

“Getting into international relations” “technically” could very likely be in there as well as dont tell mom bc we know we get "you putting your dick in him" quote

ACD coming out to his mom!! the clip was released - is the pizza for the presentation (he doesn't say bisexual in the clip and we know MML cares about it...is that to come?)

Ellen’s “feel forever about him” (we know we're getting it) THANK GOD

How are they going to do history huh (email/VO?) (i do have a mental picture of TZP typing it and giving us that Moment)

will we get henry's story from his email? im not expecting it but also it's when he says yes to the lake so maybe?? would be happy!

we get the lake. we get him leaving. we get so much from the lake. (we know we're getting it) THANK GOD

is there a way we will get to know the moment alex realizes he's in love? or moreso the part where he tries to tell henry? (same with you carry too much/i know?)

so the Bea/Henry stroll and "do you love him""what difference would it make if I did" and also "at least youll never be king" is after that im guessing... and I'm not positive where "Prince Henry belongs to Britain" goes...is that his "i've been trying to be happy my whole idiot life"?

Alex in Kensington. (we know we're getting it) THANK GOD - two thirds Alex POV one third Henry POV (apparently in light of Kensington) ?!?!

what lines from kensington will we get?? Obtuse fucking asshole? when have i ever pretended to be anything but in love with you? i never imagined you'd love me back? then fucking have me? we can find a way to love each other is in the trailer...you treat me like I do?

v&a. them dancing living out henry's fantasy gn. (ty perfume genius can’t help falling in love) And then. The airstrip (we know we're getting it) THANK GOD (addendum: pls "i completely fucking love you") ALEX GIVES HIM HIS KEY

I know we get emails but how much of chapter eleven do we get (I’ll throw up if we get Waterloo)(or the list)(or most any of them tho).

Shaan and Zahra have to be a thing in the movie.

do we get “Sería una mentira, porque no sería él.”/"It would be a lie, because it wouldn’t be him." in some capacity. pls

the email from alex after the luna fight is so beautiful to me but idk if we will get it?

I know we get the email released of course but do we get “I need to talk to my son” and everything with it?? Please.

On that ^ can we get Nora and Ellen and Oscar hugging/being there for him after the immediate release of everything

decision to go public and the Shaan/Zahra reveal - how?

also that still of H and A on the stairs hugging is that when they find each other ("i wont lie not about this not about you"?) - they look too sad in it or i would say it's after they settle with the queen but on that it's different in the movie (king, i dont think catherine is in it...)

bea’s sponsor monologue. It means so much to me but it doesn’t necessarily move the plot forward although it gives some background to Henry (at least as a kid who lost Arthur) so ?? -- also "you need to understand this" and the explanation ugh it is so good and i understand if we only have it in the book. but. ((one more thing - could be used as part of Henry's POV just saying))

wait yeah. that's when he does "on purpose" which isn't CRUCIAL but like. crucial for the book!

we get the king and philip and pleading. we know we're getting it of course!

for what it's worth that's the bravest son of a bitch (?)

"look at this" clip of Bea just like her showing them the BBC coverage of support (?)

Never tell me the odds mural. Idk about copyright and things but god. Imagine. something?? like it?

history huh shirt??

ACD’s speech word for word from the book transcript (possible but tbd, technically possibly extraneous to include it all but...)

super curious about Nora and the whistleblow and no Raf, if/how they'll go about that?

those early bts photos of TZP in the lilac…maybe a scene im not thinking of (or just them being together) but ??is it them sitting for the Royal portraits??

Alex and Nora’s little planning for their futures — could also then see Henry and Alex’s pic which would be cute but who knows

will we get Ellen's victory speech? (lowkey in my mind's eye i see a cut to of firstprince going home as she's speaking, then shift to them officially when she steps off stage ... but idk how closely this part will be stuck to yanno tbd)

ending lines being “we won” like in the book (?) - just Henry and Alex as the end, maybe not that dialogue exactly ? (not sure if they would have an entire other set just for a scene but also maybe??)

point here ^^ is i dont really know what the end is going to be but i know i will like it <3

thank you matthew thank you taylor thank you nicholas thank you all <3

[daysiwrld]

friends kiss too

chapter is semi-inspired by the song 'friends kiss too' by danny and alex. it's on my playlist, which is linked in my tiktok bio. hope you all enjoy! check out the note at the end.

—

"y/n! hey."

you look up from your phone to see mikasa not too far down the breezeway jogging towards you.

"hi mi-casa." you smile as the black-haired girl sits next to you on the bench. "you're here rather early," mikasa states putting her school bag down by her feet.

"i got here about five minutes ago, soooo, i could say the same about you." you reply flashing her another smile. "but, it's because i never had a class in this building. i just wanted to make sure i knew where i was going." you explain locking your phone. mikasa nods her head. "same."

"i'm glad we have professor hange for this class, though it's weird that they're teaching an elective since they're a chemistry teacher," mikasa tells you as she observes the students that pass by.

"i'm gonna guess something happened with the other teacher that was supposed to teach this class. i'm also pretty sure this was a last-minute change, cause last week i needed to switch a class on my schedule, and that other professor's name was still on it," you reply pulling up your fingerless gloves so they cover more of your arms. you underestimated how quickly the weather changes in paradis.

fuck, it's kinda cold...

"yeah i saw that, but i love hange so it doesn't matter in all honesty." mikasa states. you nod your head.

"girl, it's low-key cold as fuck, i didn't expect it to be this chilly today." mikasa curses rubbing her bare arms with her hands.

"girl i was literally just thinking that." you laugh turning towards her. "at least you look hot." you point at her outfit. she smiles, "thank you, you look good today too, i can see you actually tried." she laughs scanning your outfit

mikasa's outfit: [goth/alt mikasa supremacy]

yours: [if u don't like, ignore.]

"shut uppp, i always try on the first day, but after this, i'm coming in sweats and a t-shirt." you respond giggling. "but i really wish i would've worn a long sleeve today."

you mentally curse yourself for not checking the weather app.

"well at least we wore some fingerless gloves," mikasa states, pulling them further up her arm.

"not that it makes a big difference since we're wearing short-sleeved crop tops." you laugh. mikasa laughs as well, nodding her head in agreement.

"it was literally eighty degrees yesterday, i didn't bother checking the weather app today since i just expected it to be on the warmer side. in fact, i expected myself to overheat from these gloves." she lifts her arms up, letting them fall back into her lap. "same."

"why don't we go sit inside?" mikasa questions. "all the benches inside are full, and it's just overall crowded in there." you shrug. "but it's nine-fifteen, the eight am class should be leaving." before mikasa could utter another word to you the building doors open and students begin filling out.

"guess we can go in." mikasa mumbles.

the two of you grab your bags and walk into the building towards your designated classroom.

"mikasa! y/n! hello! how are you two doing?" hange exclaims as the two if you walk in, a huge smile on their face.

"hey hange, we're doing pretty good," mikasa replies, smiling softly. you nod your head offering a smile as well. "what about you?" you question your professor.

hange lets out a giant huff. "well, i wasn't supposed to teach this class, but some stuff happened last minute and now we're here. it's just...a bit upsetting i suppose." they voice lowly with a slight frown.

you and mikasa nod your heads understandingly at hange's predicament.

"but hey, it was pleasant surprise when i saw the two if you and some other students on my roster. it's nice to know i'll see some familiar faces." they smile.

"now go sit down, i have to greet other students and pretend i'm not miserable because i have to teach this class." hange shoos you and mikasa away. the two of you laugh at their statement and head towards the back row of the room.

"looks like this class is going to be huge since it's in one of these giant lecture rooms." you say as you put your bag down on the table and sit. "probably." mikasa murmurs doing the same.

"so mikasa, tell me a little about professor ackerman. he's a relative of yours, correct? i have him for two classes and i wanted to know more about him." you turn to mikasa.

"have you seen his rate my professor..?" mikasa questions in an awkward tone.

"yeah...is it really that bad..?" you wince at her words. mikasa slowly nods her head, giving you a sympathetic look.

"he looks like a mean guy, but he does care about his students. as long as you show effort in his class, he's willing to help you as much as he can." mikasa assures. you nod your head. "yeah i saw some of the good reviews say something similar to what you're saying."

mikasa goes to say something else but is interrupted by hange's loud and cheery voice, causing the two of you to turn in their direction.

"is that the notorious, jean kirstein?!" hange exclaims as she sees the tall, light-brown-haired boy walk in with a massive smile on his face.

"notorious? what do i do that's wrong?" he questions laughing.

tuning out their convo you turn towards mikasa, "girl. not him using a tote bag..." you whisper. mikasa shakes her head turning to you. "ran through girl, ran. through." mikasa emphasizes. you laugh at her statement turning back towards jean.

you take a moment to scan his apparel. it's simple but stylish and perfect for the weather. a light brown sweatshirt with a white shirt under, dark brown pants, and some retro 1s that are color-coordinated with his clothes. a few silver rings liter his hands and you see some silver necklaces. he looks good, you can understand why girls be throwing themselves at him.

damn...why does he low-key look...finer.

jean's outfit [without hat]:

you're snapped out of your thoughts when you hear the chair to your right being dragged against the floor. you look over to see jean pulling his chair closer to yours. he puts his bag down and sits, placing his full attention on you once settled.

"l/n," he states formally putting his hand out for you to shake. you roll your eyes playfully at his antics before going along with them.

"kirstein." you shake his hand firmly. jean smiles loosening the grip on your hand. you attempt to retract your hand, but fail to when it's pulled back by jean. you furrow your eyebrows slightly, but instead of clearing your confusion jean begins to inspect your hands using both of his.

"you just got this set done huh?" jean questions peering up at you. you nod your head, "yeah about two days ago, why?" you tilt your head slightly.

"nah cause i saw you had similar nails last weekend at eren's end-of-summer party, and was wondering if they were the same set," he responds as he continues to observe your hand, fidgeting with your rings as well.

did i even talk to him at that party? i didn't even know he was there, last time i saw him was mid june, and i didn't even have acrylics at the time. did he stalk me or something...

"yeah, i just got a refill with a dark red polish instead of the black," you tell him.

"they look good, i like dark colors on long stiletto nails," he mutters touching the acrylic of your pointer finger.

he really is ran through. the community bike.

"thank you, i've gotten many compliments on them." you smile ignoring your mental statement. jean goes to say something but is interrupted by mikasa.

"yo jean, let me see your schedule," mikasa states as she scrolls through her phone.

"yeah i got you." jean takes his right hand away to pull his phone out of his pocket. he takes this opportunity to hold your right hand firmly with his left, caressing the top of it with his thumb. although you know the small gesture is nothing to fret over, you can't help the feeling that blooms in the pit of your stomach.

jean has always been flirty with you and has expressed interest in you, but every time he tried to woo you over, you dismissed him. it's not that you don't find jean attractive or not like him, you do, but he sleeps around a bit and you don't really fuck with one-time hookups.

you want exclusivity, sexual exclusivity. relationships can be draining and you honestly don't even want one, you just want to be able to fuck the same person for a while, it's safer.

there's a term for that, but i can't recall...

"y/n, let me see your schedule." jean squeezes your hand to gain your attention. you forget the thought and nod your head, reaching for your phone with your free hand. you unlock your phone and search through your camera roll for the screenshot of your classes. you find it quickly.

"here." you hand the phone to jean. he takes it from you and begins to scan your classes, a smile appearing on his face.

"looks like we have almost all, if not all our classes together," he states happily.

"wait let me see, so i can compare." mikasa intervenes grabbing the phone from jean.

"oh my god, you guys do have all classes together. y/n just has on extra class on monday and wednesdays." mikasa states showing you jean and your's schedule side by side.

"jean, are you an art education major as well?" you question turning to jean, your eyebrows slightly furrowed.

"yup, i was music ed, but i changed to art, i'm minoring in music instead," he explains taking his phone back from mikasa. you nod your head doing the same.

"so-"

"it is nine-thirty on the dot so i guess i'll start." hange announces loudly at the front to gain everyone's attention. jean, reluctantly, lets go of your hand turning fully forward in his seat to face hange.

you wonder what he wanted to say.

"hello and good morning to you all, my name is professor hange zoe, some of you may know me and others may not. if you don't know me, i am one of the chemistry professors here at paradis university. i've been teaching here for a good nine years and up until—well—now i've only taught chemistry. and let me tell you, i love it. i absolutely love science and sharing it with younger minds. now i'm looking around the room and i'm seeing the 'what does you loving science have to do with this class' face and well, to your surprise, it does have something to do with this class!" hange exclaims causing calm laughter to spread amongst all the students.

you turn to mikasa showing her a confused look as you laugh, mikasa shrugs, laughing as well.

"you see, i instruct five chemistry classes and this one art survey class. no offense, but i care about those chemistry classes more than this one...in a teaching sense. so what does that mean for you? that means you're all lucky. your lucky because i'm so in love with science that this class will be the easiest you'll ever have. and you will all most likely pass with flying colors." hange announces as they begin to power up their promethean board.

"essay a." mikasa leans over to whisper. "for sure."

"to break it down easily, your grade is going to be based on your attendance and the single quiz that's due every sunday before midnight, that will be posted to your moodle." hange states pointing to the syllabus on the board.

[my university uses moodle, it's basically google classroom lol]

"now about attendance, in all truthfulness, i'm not going to be too strict about it. i understand that things happen, you're sick, grandma died, you're stuck in traffic, etc. as long as you send me an email before or later in the day giving me your reasoning, you'll still get a passing grade for the day. but if you're missing class every single time with no excuse, i'm not going to care at all and i won't help you. even if you just don't feel like going to school, you know, those days where your brain feels like it wants to k-word itself, email me. tell me you need a mental health day. your well-being is much more important to me than an attendance or quiz grade. as long as you communicate to me i got you, okay? is that clear?" hange puts her arms looking around the rooms for answers.

a collective amount of 'yeah' is heard throughout the classroom causing hange to smile.

"good. okay so now, let's get started. today we will just be going over the syllabus so you'll leave my class early." hange announces going over to the lecture room's podium.

"also, please don't call me professor zoe, call me either professor hange or just hange. i might croak and die if you call me professor zoe..." hange tells the classroom causing laughter to break out among them.

you begin to zone in and out of hange's syllabus review until you feel your phone vibrate in your lap.

someone sent me a message?

it's way too early for someone to be texting you. the only people that would text you this early are your mom or eren. you mentally roll your eyes at the thought of eren. the two of you "talked" for a few months, it was nice for a while, but he had his shortcomings.

he definitely knew how to fuck though.

ignoring your thoughts, you open your phone and check your notification bar.

imessage:

el conquistador: pone atención

you turn to jean, narrowing your eyes at him. he gives you a cheesy, boyish smile. "text me." he mouths pointing at the phone in his hand. you roll your eyes and quickly type up a response.

chat:

you: i am, u need to pay attention since ur so busy looking at me.

el conquistador: you* your*

you: kys

you: also if you're going to correct me at least be correct |: it's you're not your

el conquistador: nahh you're wrong

you: mf...

el conquistador: WAIT NVM LMFAOO

el conquistador: my bad bae

you: BAE? hell nooo

el conquistador: damn. it's like that?

you: yeah. it's like that.

el conquistador: you need to stop playing.

you: ??? que

el conquistador: you playing games fr

you: games are for children, i don't do that

el conquistador: LMFAOOOOOO

el conquistador: that's crazy

you: i'm lost fr, how have i been "playing games"?

el conquistador: you know what you do

you: no...no i don't.

you: so you tell me

el conquistador: after class, i will, when we walk to our next class together (:

you: no. tell me now.

el conquistador: no <3

you roll your eyes at the last message before turning to jean. he gives you a smile mouthing 'after class' to you. locking your phone you place it on the table desperately waiting for hange to be finished.

-

"alright, so it looks like we got out 45 minutes earlier, make sure to do the syllabus validation online before sunday. it's your first grade and it'll be worth a quiz grade. free one-hundred for checking a stupid little box! i'll see you all on monday!" hange exclaims dismissing everyone. after hearing her words everyone swiftly begins filling out the class.

"y/n, i have my next class with armin so i'm going to go meet up with him, i'll text you later, we're still going to go eat after all our classes right?" mikasa asks grabbing her bag and phone.

"yeah we're still going, just text me after your last class," you reply waving her off. nodding her head mikasa bids jean goodbye as well leaving the two of you alone.

clutching your bag you turn towards jean who has a big smile on his face. "you ready?" he holds his hand out for you to grab. you narrow your eyes at him. "yeah..." you reluctantly put your hand in his. jean rolls his eyes.

"stop acting like that, i don't bite." jean grips your hand pulling you along with him. the two of you exit the building, and you're hit by a gush of frigid air. jean notices how your body shrinks into itself at the sudden temperature shift.

"do you want to use my sweater? i have a long sleeve under so i'll be okay." jean offers examining you intently. you shake your head. "i'll be okay, you don't need to worry." you respond. jean notices your body lean into his for warmth as you wrap both of your arms around his.

sighing, he puts his bag down, removing you from him as well. he begins to take his sweatshirt off for you. eyeing his actions, you see his undershirt rise with the sweatshirt, exposing his lower abdomen.

okay, he's definitely hotter now.

"here." he passes you the sweatshirt. you smile and thank him, putting your bag down to put it on.

"see, a lot better huh?" jean asks grabbing both his and your bag. "yeah, yeah," you tell him playfully grabbing your bag from him.

"okay so can you clarify to me what you were talking about over text?" you question jean, tucking your arms over your chest. "damn, can we at least sit down on a bench before we start talking?" jean puts his hands up defensively. you roll your eyes, peering around for an empty bench. your eyes lock onto one a little down the corridor. "that one." you point.

the two of you make your way over, sitting down. you turn to jean and anticipate him to start talking, but he doesn't. he just sits there looking at you with a stupid grin on his face.

"you look lovely today." jean states softly causing you to turn away due to embarrassment.

"jean shut up and explain the texts please." you murmur, your head still turned away. "fine, fine, but you have to look at me while i talk." he pokes your leg. you roll your eyes and face him, signaling for him to start.

"basically...you're playing games when it comes to me." jean expresses causing you to groan. "jean please elaborate. that doesn't explain shit."

he sighs as he mulls over what he wants to tell you, a look of contemplation on his face. "it's literally what i mean though, what do you think i mean, based on what i said?" jean asks attempting to get you to realize what he means. he would say it himself, but he doesn't want to encounter embarrassment because of it.

"when i think of someone "playing games," i think of someone playing hard to get when someone's pursuing them for something." you simply explain.

jean bounces his head slowly. "that's basically what i'm saying about you..."

you crease your eyebrows and tilt your head slightly, "but i'm...not." you voice unsurely. jean sighs, "y/n, yes you have. every time i tried to make advances toward you, you'd shut me down before i could even speak. but you flirt with me from time to time, and i don't know–i just want you to hear me out for once." jean reveals softly looking down at his hands as he fidgets with them.

you sigh, hearing jean's words makes you feel bad for disregarding him all those times before, but you are not just a one-night stand, and that's what jean wants. at least that's what you assume.

"i'm sorry for not hearing you out before, okay? but...i'm just not what you're looking for jean. you don't like to be committed, you like one-time hookups, and...i don't want that. i like exclusivity. if i'm going to fuck someone, i need them to be more than just a single hook-up. our desires just don't align. i'm sorry if my flirting led you to believe i was playing games with you. i just–i thought it was harmless. i mean, you're flirty with nearly every girl you encounter, i played along cause i thought you wouldn't think anything of it..." you apologize to him, tugging at the sleeves of jean's sweatshirt that you wear.

at this moment, jean feels anger and hatred. not at you, but at himself, because the reputation he made for himself is coming back to bite him in the ass. he recognizes that every action truly has a consequence.

"but do you one-hundred percent know for a fact, that i just want to hook up once?" jean inquiries quietly looking directly ahead, you could tell he's upset that you presumed.

"no, no i don't actually..." you respond realizing so.

stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. you're so fucking stupid.

jean stays quiet, letting your realization settle in, and fuck did the silence make you feel bad. i should've listened to him...at least once.

but—does that mean he desires to be something more..?

you look at jean as you arrive at your second realization. "so if you're not looking for a singular hook-up...what, do you want from me?" you question him carefully. you see jean's face redden a bit at your question, he conceals it with his hands, rubbing it a bit.

"i always understood that you...require exclusivity. so i don't know, i wanted there to be something more...between us?" jean hesitantly suggests, turning to look at you. a blush evident on his face and ears.

looking ahead, you ponder his words for a few moments. if jean's willing to only have sex with you then you wouldn't really mind, but you have no way of knowing if that'll happen. now you know jean's a good guy at heart...but he appears to be insatiable. what if the two of you hook up and then ditches you for a better girl. when it comes to girls he's like a dog when it sees a bone.

"okay so, let's say...i accept. how will i know that you're not gonna just leave me for another girl after we hook up? what if you meet a better girl two days later? what if you realize i'm not anything special? what i'm saying is...don't get involved with me if there's even a slight chance of you changing your mind. i don't hook up with people who are not gonna stick around." you state firmly, looking at him dead in the eyes. he swallows the lump in his throat. he can tell you're being extremely serious, but he knows he is too.

"y/n, i've been trying you for months. why would i be unfailingly trying after you if i wasn't intending on sticking around? it'll just be you and i, no one else. i can promise you that." jean tries to assure, twisting his body more towards you. he wants you to be able to trust him. he so desperately wants you to.

you laugh at his words. "yeah, but while you were "trying" i recall that you were still hooking up with other girls. if you really wanted to be exclusive with me, you would've stopped. it would've gotten my attention and i would've listened to you earlier. but you didn't because, well...you're a man. and it's in your nature i suppose..."

jean sighs, he really wishes he could turn back time, he would do anything to just obliterate all of everything, if it meant that you'd give him a chance.

he stays quiet, he can't refuse your words, and at this point..he doesn't have anything more he could say to you. he feels defeated, but at least you listened for once. he knows he can't be mad, you're in your whole right to deny him anything, reputation or not, but he knows that if he didn't have it, you'd give him the possibility.

a few more minutes of silence pass before you speak up. "i know—i know there's a term, a term for friends...who...kiss too..." you speak out trying to remember. jean's head snaps up at your words, but you're too concentrated to notice it.

"friends with benefits?" jean eyebrows furrow at what you're attempting to get at.

"yes! precisely, that's what it's called." you exclaim looking at jean with bright eyes. "why are you bringing that up?" he questions still confused.

"that's what we are," you state simply, looking directly into his eyes. jean's face falters a little, in disappointment, but is quickly replaced with a happier expression. "are you saying that.." he quietly speaks out in shock.

"yeah, we can be more, we can be friends with benefits," you smile assuring jean. he laughs, "just a minute ago, i thought—i thought that you were going to turn me away again."

you shake your head, "nope." you tell him, emphasizing it with a pop. "but i do have some rules about this, you're free to add some of your own if you'd like." you begin, gathering jean's full attention.

"first: this one's a given, but in case you forgot, no sex with anyone else, but me," you tell him firmly. jean scoffs rolling his eyes. "i know, i know, you don't need to remind me."

"second: do not kiss other girls either. this should be a given with the first one, but boys are simple-minded, so i'm going to tell you. it's just safety as well, bitches could have herpes or something, and i don't want even the slightest chance of getting it. and lastly: no strings attached, if either of us feels like we're developing feelings, we either just distance ourselves a bit or break things off. i do not desire a relationship." you assert lastly.

jean frowns slightly at your last rule, but you fail to detect it.

"also, not a rule, but before we do anything, get tested. i'll get tested as well if you want. just to make sure we're good." you tell him getting up.

"hey. i use protection. yeah, i've...slept around, but i haven't been reckless." jean defends getting up as well.

"have you given other girls head?"

"...yeah.."

"have you kissed other girls?"

"yeah..."

"then you still need to get tested. sticking your dick in someone's cat isn't the only way stds are transmitted jean. i thought a sex-a-holic like you would know that at least..." you shake your head.

"yeah...i know, i'll get tested, but you don't have to if you're only doing it to make me feel better." he states cranking his head to look up.

"nah i still need to get tested." you plainly reply. jeans head shoots down to look at you. "why?.."

"like i said, there's other ways of getting stds. i've kissed other people and stuff...i mean, i have my needs, you know." you say turning around.

"now let's go find our next-"

"so you've been kissing and getting head from other people?..knowing that i've been here all this time?" jean states quietly, his body shaking slightly.

"listen, don't get angry with me, you've been getting your dick wet by a different girl every other week until now. i've only gotten head a few times from the same person, and i've kissed only a few people." you dismiss him, walking off ahead. he sighs.

"this girl is going to be the end of me..." jean mutters quietly before following you.

—

first chapter!! tell me your thoughts! did you like it? what was your favorite part?

it's a relatively short chapter, but it's just setting up y/n and jean's relationship really. it'll start picking up next chapter. i know i kinda gave hange a lot of dialogue, but they're going to be prominent in the story, at least that's what i want. they're going to have a parent-child relationship with y/n, so i wanted you all to get a sense of their personality in my fic. though i tried to keep them as similar to canon hange's personality.

thank you for reading! please vote, heart, repost, leave kudos, and comments! also please share i want everyone and anyone to read!

- daysi <3

[sutheworld]

Hey can you please help me as i m in a very bad situation rn..My mother has only 2-3 days left and my mental health is also very bad rn.....I tried to manifest but can't....there are lots of things which are personal that are getting out of my hand so Can you please manifest me going to void cuz i don't want to lose my mom....and everyone..... i m 15 yrs old see i cannot pay u with i can pray for you please its a request

This is my first ask and im honestly disappointed but i'll help you. I can affirm for you and everything but you have to start applying the law correctly. As i said in my other posts before your 4D is the only important thing! So your mom is healthy and you manifested million times before and youre great at manifesting. Seriously just think "My Mom is healthy" once, it doesnt matter with which "emotions" youre saying it. Doesnt matter if you have tears in your eyes right now and feel very sad, just say it. And then it's done ! Now learn the law correctly(my way?):  In our brain there is the conscious and the subconscious. The conscious mind thinks rationally, he relies only on facts. He is like the bodyguard of the subconscious. Because unlike the conscious mind, she(the subconscious mind) believes everything you tell her. The conscious mind relies on our senses, on everything we perceive through our environment, while our subconscious mind can’t do that. The subconscious only listens to us and is always awake and this is what our consciousness cannot do, it’s much less active at night. She is always awake and has been here since we’ve been born, that’s why all our memories and beliefs are stored in her. When we repeat affirmations and affirmations are sentences implying something about certain states in our life. Then they remain in our subconscious. Every single sentence/ thought remains in our subconscious. Its just that we do not think the same thoughts every day. We often contradict our own thoughts.But if we would always think favourable of ourselves. Then we would embody the best version of ourselves because our environment has to change to match our beliefs. That’s what your subconscious is responsible for. The subconscious mind absorbs our thoughts/ affirmations then materialises them and makes them a reality. Actually you don’t really have to repeat affirmations regularly, once is enough. But by repeating them consistently these “thoughts/ affirmations” become permanent “beliefs”. This way sudden negative thoughts in your head can’t ruin your manifestation/ belief. You’ll always think favourable with that belief in mind and won’t ever confuse yourself. So i recommend repeating affirmations. Consistently repeating affirmations doesn’t make your subconscious materialise stuff faster, one thought is completely enough. Manifesting is instant. [Because in 4D manifesting is instant] But our consciousness makes it a bit difficult for us, since he thinks logically and sees that the reality contradicts our thoughts. [ When annoying thoughts come up use the balloon method. Imagine how these thoughts are all different coloured balloons and the wind is pushing them away from you. They fade. You’ll feel calmer after doing this. ~side note ] Our consciousness can’t effect us at all though, unless we allow it. He can only make it difficult for us when we believe in our environment. When we think that our environment decides how our reality looks like, not our thoughts. But then in reality it’s our thoughts deciding how our environment/ reality looks like. You need to know that the truth is what is in your head! Your current thoughts are your reality, not what you see! Your subconscious has to do her job and change reality to match your new belief. Don’t search for the stuff youre affirming for in your reality though. You will only set yourself up, searching for results in your environment. Because like i said our environment isn’t the “truth”, it’s powerless and it’s not your environment that’s deciding wether you have it or not. Your thoughts decide that. Nothing you see in your environment matters because it cant matter, it got produced trough you and you can change it with just one thought. Realize that the things you see right now are things you unconciously manifested. YOU WILL ALWAYS BE IN CONTROL NO MATTER WHAT. Your thoughts always get realized doesnt matter if theyre negative or positive. 

I hope you understand the law now and see that youre setting yourself up with those thoughts. Congratulations on your moms recovery!! <3

[foxfairy06]

HIIIII poookkksss its ollie, u banned me so ill yell at you on tumbllrrr <33333. YOU ARE A JOKKKE. "No cause i literally got diagnosed on the phone but ok hunn go off". okay sure, seriously doubtful because you could lie over the phone... did you know that... bet you didnt. anyway. like thats your reply to what u actually have to do to get a diagnosis, so your over the phone shit is actual bullshit. like its not covid no reason to do that, and also they need to see you in person and have you explain how your feeling aswell as your movements and the way that you respond to questions to get a diagnosis, or they will ask your family and friends or your teaching if they have noticed behavior that is needed for your diagnosis. so BULLSHIT BULLSHIT :333. Telling me to touch grass, god you so basic oml. also calling me a hypocrite when your a literal exclusionist , which you get to decide what is and isnt in the lgbtqia+ community is hypocrisy. from the merriam webster "a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings" and something you said in our messages, "The basis is lgbt topics. It's meant to be a place for lgbt exclusionists to gather" you say you support ppl of lgbtq but if they dont meet your criteria or if you dont think their queer you exclude them. thats hypocrisy. anyway hope you actually get the help you need so you can WAKE THE FUCK UP for you stupidity <3 which i will continue to state because my proof above proves it <3.

-ollie p.s you are still a ball of sperm we all are its not rude its a literal fact

p.p.s if you bring up what i said in the server here is a message i sent to you "i was spewing BULLSHIT" which you know is because i am a troll and i was gathering dirt on you pooks

p.p.p.s i have screenshotted all of out chats <3 karmas a bitch she is coming for you.

Karma for??? Being a good person? I didn't say anything rude, homophobic, or bad to you so you have no actual leverage here. That's like saying "i took screenshots so karma is coming for you<3" to the poor child you just harassed that eas being respectful and kind to you the whole time.

For those who don't understand, green text to the rescue!

> be ollie

> be sitting at your moms computer, bored

> decide your life isn't angry enough

> create an entire Tumblr spewing radmed shit thinking transmeds will follow you

> find a transmed with a server

> start saying super homophobic shit and harass everyone

> get muted for being homophobic and transphobic and harassing people

> message all the mods and call them names for muting your

> admit you were trolling then scream and cry at the owner for being transmed while calling him names and making strawmen and adhominem

> get banned

> still be a pissbaby who can't stop being angry with his life

> decide touching grass is too much

> go leave a novel of an ask under the owners Tumblr that makes several assumptions and zero sense then question their means of diagnosis.

For those who don't have context, i am trans, I am duosex, I went to a therapy place for free, and saw a therapist. He immediately started going through the criteria for dysphoria because I asked but we ran out of time. So I'm getting my diagnosis finished over the phone. It took me two appointments and $0 to get a gender dysphoria diagnosis. So stop acting like this is difficult or hurting anyone.

It's not hypocrisy to provide a safe space for a group and exclude people. You would provide a safe space for enben that has binary people in it? Because they aren't enby. Thus they don't need that space, and could fuck it up.

You're the hypocrite calling me names and crying and screaming at me calling me crazy. Seriously get some help. Therapy is an option. If you don't feel safe in your current mental state you could always check in at an ER and tell them you need help. You could also look around. Many places provide therapy for free. Utilize these resources and stop harassing strangers online. I hope that goes well for you.